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Snap Judgment
In the Mist - Spooked LIVE
00:48:16
The hallowed halls of an Airbnb house a spirit that can only be seen through sprinkles, spritzes, and sparkles… of air freshener. Snap’s Queen of Comedy, Jen Kober, returns with a story only she could tell. Plus, Glynn shares a story about a close personal witch.
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- [00:03]
Kevin Washington
Snap studios.
- [00:07]
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- [00:41]
Kevin Washington
Okay, so. Backstage at the hallowed halls of LA's haunted Orpheum Theater, over 2,000 spookters have gathered, waiting on the other side of that curtain, preparing to summon the shadow for Spooked Live. They think they're gonna get one thing, but friends, y' all about to get something else entirely. I am so excited. A woman who is royalty to this Snap judgment enterprise rolled out the red carpet. She's about to step on the spook stage. No, I will never be able to predict the next word out of her mouth, but I promise, I guarantee you're gonna love the ride. Now, this story does contain explicit language. A dear friend of mine, Snap fam Colbert.
- [01:40]
Jen Kober
I just have to say, I didn't know who was on this show. And when you show up to a gig and there's a CNN correspondent, I was already spooked. This can't be good. I don't like spooky things. I hate to be. I have been in a dressing room in the bowels of this building listening to music. La la la la la la la la. I don't like to be scared. Even as a kid, I didn't ever like scary movies. I'm not really Nightmare on Elm Street. I'm more Ghostbusters. Though I do watch a lot of Dateline. Yeah, like those slasher kind of movies that. Blood and Guts. I can't take that. Uh, fictionalized horror terrifies me. But actual people dying, I fall asleep to that shit. That's. But I've never liked scary movies. I remember at a slumber party when I was 8 years old, Betsy Rodriguez got us all into a circle and she started all that. Light as a feather, stiff as a board, Bloody Mary, Ouija, voodoo, schmadoodle. I don't care for that. It scares me. Uh, anytime that would start, I would just go to sleep. I would often wake up with my hands in bowls of warm water. If, you know, you know. If not, we'll move on. I never understood it, though. Like, fine, make me pee. It's your sheath. It was hard to handle those scary movies. I just couldn't, couldn't do it. Side note, I don't like scary movies so much that when the movie I Know what yout Did Last Summer was popular, I was doing a one woman show at that time that I wanted to title I Know what yout Ate Last Summer. I thought it would be funny. And then I was going to parody some scene from the movie. So I sat down to watch the movie. Five minutes in, I shut that shit off and changed the name of my one woman show to Indiana Gin and the Temple of Food. I love Indiana Jones. It's the ringtone on myself. So I didn't know what to do, y'.
- [04:57]
Kevin Washington
All.
- [04:57]
Jen Kober
How am I gonna tell a spooky story when I don't like to be spooked? So I called Glenn. I was like, dude, I don't know what to do. Glenn says, jen, it doesn't have to be blood and guts. Kinda scary. Haven't you ever just been spooked? I was like, ooh, dude, you mean like the time my dog, who was really my grandmother reincarnated, sat at the end of my bed telling me about the presence of extraterrestrials in the greater Los Angeles area? All night long she just kept being like, I'm telling you, Jennifer, there are space aliens on Wilshire.
- [05:38]
Kevin Washington
Boom. Boop.
- [05:43]
Jen Kober
Glenn was like, that's not quite it. I said, ooh. What about the time we held a seance for a dead squirrel in Paducah, Kentucky with a voodoo priestess closer? I got it. What about the time me and my buddy Jeff D cleared a haunted Airbnb of a ghost that looked like ZZ Top? Glenn said, jackpot. Here's what you gotta know about my buddy Jeff D. Jeff D. Looks like the brother I never had, but he's more like the sister I never wanted. He looks just like me. And he is very, very, very gay. He loves Rock Hudson and Judy Garland and Leslie Jordan. I often refer to him as the ghost of homosexual's past. We've known each other since college and he opens for me all over the country. So we travel together a lot. So one weekend, what had happened was we found ourselves playing at the Stardome Comedy Club in Hoover, Alabama, right outside of Birmingham. I don't mean to brag, but they have two Walmarts. One of them has a brand new Arby's inside of it. So naturally we had our shows on the weekend. So we had gotten there on Tuesday. We were gonna spend a few days in an Airbnb there in Alabama and get our laundry done and catch up on our TV shows. This is road Life glamour. So we get an Airbnb. The homeowner meets us at the address. It's a little bit outside of the city limits, but it's a big old house. We get there and the owner meets us. Her name is Celeste and I can't tell if Celeste is a hick or a hippie. She's wearing a tie dye T shirt hippie but with overalls. Hicks. She has long gray hair. Hippie but it's in Willie Nelson braids hick. She's got her dog with her hick, but it's a golden doodle named Bailey Hip.
- [08:48]
Kevin Washington
Y'. All.
- [08:49]
Jen Kober
It's like Hee Haw meets woods dog or for you millennials Miley Cyrus. I can't tell what's going on with this woman, but she and the dog start showing us around the place. She shows us the washer and the dryer. She's got some environmentally friendly detergent there for us to use. Thank you Celeste. Then she shows us the bedrooms and the dog keeps sniffing around a door. She says, oh, that's the equipment closet. Equipment. Uh huh. Life vests, oars, rackets, that sort of thing for sports. I don't know what about looking at Jeff and I would have made her think to show us the sporting equipment, but I figured it was just part of the tour. And then she says, oh and be careful. There's spirits in the house, but they're mostly friendly. And she laughs, gets into her Subaru Forester and drives away as Jolene blares in the distance.
- [10:46]
Kevin Washington
Oh, there is more Jen Colbert on Snap Judgment Returns. Stay tuned. For me, my big mistake was accepting that super high interest rate credit card in college and then buying pizza and beer with it. Turns out that wasn't really free money. And later when I needed a car, needed to rent an apartment, those pizzas came back to haunt me. Don't let pizza haunt you. Now through Chime you can be better about how you manage your credit scores. Build credit history with everyday purchases and regular on time payments. Plus get access to credit tracking tools and personalized tips for a stress free credit experience. Make everyday purchases count with Chime's secured credit builder Visa credit card. Get started today@chime.com snap that's chime.com snap Chime feels like progress.
- [11:41]
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- [12:02]
Kevin Washington
Here's the truth. It seems like everyone is talking about being burnt out. Behind the highlight reels are high functioning people quietly falling apart. Low energy, fragile moods, libido gone. And your little yearly checkups. They aren't giving you the answers or insights you need. I chose Function helped find the signals under the symptoms with tests to measure testosterone, cortisol, vitamin D, magnesium, more, so much more. And it was easy. A couple of short visits to get the fluids and Function puts names and numbers to the crashes no one can see because seeking information about what's off is the first step to getting yourself back. Learn more and join using my link the first 1000 get a $100 credit toward their membership. Visit functionhealth.com snap or use gift code snap100@signup to own your health. Welcome back to Snap Judgment, the In the Mist episode. We return at once to Jen Kober on stage for Spooked Live.
- [13:26]
Jen Kober
So there I am, left with my laundry. Jeff goes to his room. He says he's going to watch a movie. I'm going to get my first load started. I'm separating things there. And Celeste has installed one of those air freshener, the Psst right. And it's on top of the refrigerator, which I thought was precarious placement for air freshener. But you know, maybe Celeste likes her smell good at eye level. I don't know. I'm not trying to judge anybody but and the first couple times it scared the it just comes out of nowhere. So I keep separating my laundry. And then I remember y', all, I had put a Yoo Hoo in the fridge when we first got there, but I can't find the light. She had shown me the light switches. The lights were on dimmers, right? Finally the lights come up. I get the lights to come up and y', all there's crystals all over this room and there's a crystal ball in the middle of the room. And at first I'm like, let's play Pee Wee's Big Adventure in the basement. I'm getting distracted. I have laundry to do. So I dim the lights back down and I go to the refrigerator to get my Yoo Hoo out. And when I open the fridge and the light of the Refrigerator comes on. As I grab it and it closes. The psst happens and I see the outline of a fella. A tall white fella. So I do wanna. I mean, I don't know any. But I have moves.
- [15:34]
Kevin Washington
Though.
- [15:34]
Jen Kober
To be honest, just doing that, I'm a little out of breath. Then I start thinking to myself, this is ridiculous. Sending me a male ghost. This is bullshit. I am. I am a short haired woman. If you want to scare me, son, you best bring your A game. You know what I'm saying? I've been chased by murderers on the Purge. I had bloodthirsty demons trying to eat me on American Horror Story. Droids shooting at me on the Mandalorian. You think you gonna come in here, you tall, skinny ZZ Top, and just scare the hell out of me? Damn straight he did. I was scared shitless. I didn't. I just did my. I just did the southern thing and acted like it didn't happen and kept folding my laundry. And a few minutes later, the. And I see him again. And I felt something near my shoulder, like his beard, like just.
- [16:56]
Kevin Washington
Y'. All.
- [16:56]
Jen Kober
I freaked out. I go running into Jeff D's room and I tap him on the shoulder and he screams, right?
- [17:02]
Kevin Washington
He.
- [17:02]
Jen Kober
Whoses it? I was like, oh my God, what were you watching? He was like, Steel Magnolias. What are you. Shelby was just drinking her juice when you came in. So I explained to him, I said, dude, every time the thing on top of the refrigerator goes psst, I see a ghost that looks like ZZ Top. So Jeff gets up out of his bed, goes to the kitchen, grabs the thing off the refrigerator and smashes it to the floor. He says, there, I've solved the ghost problem. I said, you didn't solve the ghost problem, you moron. You just took away the only way I could see it. Apparently you gotta shoot particles at the ghost so you can see it. Jeff says, this is just like Poltergeist Girl. We're gonna have to confront this ghost and usher it out of a portal. A portal? Like a door? Are you saying we gotta get it out the door? Because earlier I had seen it run out the door. But it didn't run out the door. It ran through the door. That's how I knew it was a ghost. He says, come on, you can do it. And then he starts dancing. I said, what the hell are you doing? He said, I'm ushering. So the only thing we can do is arm ourselves with things from the sporting equipment closet. I'm not confronting a ghost in my Jammies. And gay people love costumes. We love costumes. So we're each wearing a bright orange life vest and a batting helmet. Jeff's has the little holders for beer cans and straws hanging off of it. He has an oar in one hand and a bat in the other. I'm holding what I later came to find out was a pickleball racket and my cell phone. And Jeff bravely says, I'll go outside and check the perimeter of the house. And I'm like, we're in Alabama. The hell does perimeter mean?
- [19:57]
Kevin Washington
He said.
- [19:58]
Jen Kober
He says, I'm gonna check the outside. I said, what if we lose power or something? He says, don't worry. Even if we lose power, your cell phone will still work. If you see anything, call me. I can't see anything, Fool. You took away the only way I could psst. With the thing at the seeing it. So I realize I need something if I'm gonna see the ghost to spray at it. And the only thing I have with me is a can of bacon flavored spray cheese. I had meant to buy the American cheese flavor, but somehow bought a bacon flavored can. So I was not as attached to it as I would normally be. So I was willing to spray some at the ghost in order to see its outline. So there I am, pickleball racket in one hand, bacon spray cheese in the other. And I see it. I see the shadow of ZZ Top. And I call out to him, you have no place here. And I have spray cheese. And I start to spray the cheese at where I think he is, over and over. And I can see the form lunge towards me, which makes me back the hell up. I'm not. So I back up, but there's spray cheese on the floor. And just then, my cell phone rings. It's Jeff. And he says, I don't see dead people. I was like, I got him right here. I'm spraying the cheese. I'm gonna usher him to the door. I spray more cheese. I lunge again, and now I'm headed towards him, when all of a sudden, the spray cheese gets the best of me. I flip. I go up six feet in the air. I come down, the crystal ball follows me. I take down the curtains with me. I hit the ground. And I wake up inside the tv. I'm kidding.
- [22:49]
Kevin Washington
Look at this guy.
- [22:53]
Jen Kober
He's like, is she serious right now? I don't know what happened once I hit my head, but I hit my head. And I woke up the next day to Celeste opening the door to the scene that lay before her. Curtains down, crystal ball shattered, spray cheese everywhere. Jeff and I still wearing life vests. I am still gripping a pickleball racket for dear life. And the dog is licking spray cheese off of everything. And Celeste just looks at me and says, what happened? I said, girl, we seen Zae Zay top. He was here. I think he had a message for us. And that's when the dog said, did he mention the aliens on Wilshire?
- [24:21]
Kevin Washington
More Spooked Live when we return. Stay tuned. Welcome back to Snap Judgment. My name is Kevin Washington, and right now got a special story for Spooked live from yours truly. Spooked. As a kid, I love going to my grandmother's church. There's singing, there's dancing. If you're lucky, somebody's gonna kiss the Holy Ghost. Fabulous. My parents church, not a lot of music, no dancing, no Holy Ghost. I don't dig it as much. At my granny's church, my grandmother, she wins the unofficial old lady church contest each and every week with the biggest, most outrageous hat on her head that you ever did see. If you sit behind my grandmother, you ain't gonna see Jack nothing. And you better not say nothing neither. She gave you one of these here, huh? After church, we go back to my grandmother's place. And usually there's already a line. Because my grandmother's special, people come from miles around to seek her advice. And because I am her second favorite grandchild, I'm special, too. After Granny gets her relax on. After she has a glass of lemonade, after she gives me that look, I have a job. My job as a little kid is to go out to the sidewalk and escort a grown person up the porch, in the living room, through the kitchen, back out to the stew. My grandmother waits. See if the doctors run out of options. If your preacher's got no answers, if you have nowhere else left to turn, the last place people go is my grandmother. And on this day, the woman, she says, Mrs. Mrs. They always call her either Mrs. Or man. Mrs. My man done left me, huh? I know your man. You should thank your lucky stars no. Mrs. Sometimes he just runs with the wrong crowd. He is the wrong crowd, missus. I need him back home. I need him back in the back with me. Well, you bring a picture like I told you? Yes. She takes this picture out of her billfold. My grandmother snatches it up. She takes a match and lights it on fire. She collects the ash in this square of aluminum foil. And then she adds a dash of high John the Conqueror oil. And a pinch of Queen Elizabeth root. Boy, what did I do that for? The oil for the power. The root for the heart. That's my baby grand boy, right there. She ties it off with twine and hands it back to the woman. Put that under his pillow. He'd be back in three days. But don't blame me for what happened after that. Thank you, missus. Thank you, missus. I go back out, and this time I get this big fella. He's in this work suit. He's got boots on. I take him back. Ma'. Am. Ma'. Am. My partner's stealing. Stealing money out the till. You bring a dollar from the register? Yes, ma'. Am. He hands it over and she sets it down in front of her boy. Go get me some of those sweet potatoes off the. Off the stove. I put it on the fine china. I bring it out to her, and she sets it on top of the dollar. She pours whiskey on top of that and she pushes it like she's having company for dinner. She closes her eyes, listens. Listen. Your partner. Your partner's going on a long trip. He won't be back. Thank you, missus. Thank you. I go back out and I see this skinny man, tall, and he's got this blue suit on. He goes to shake my hand. I don't want to shake his hand. I lead him back through the house, and he's looking all around. Take him back to my grandmother. And I know I have to watch him. To watch him close around my granny. Instead of sitting down, he's looking everywhere. Standing up really, really close next to my grandmother. And then finally he bends down and he whispers in her ear. She looks up at him. I'm sorry, I can't help you today. And looks like he's just been barely holding it together. And when she says that he can't do it anymore, he goes boneless. Please. Please, ma'. Am. Please. I'm sorry. Please. I can't do anything for you. I take him back out and he's pale, his eyes blank. I take this grown man outside of our house. When I close the door, he said, let me just go talk to her one more time. Let me just explain something to her. Granny says she can't help you. Granny says she can't help you. He walks to the sidewalk, turns around, spits. Witch. They often use that word. The one she can't help and the one she can. She sets me to work later on with a feather duster, dusting that place. And she has these candles that I'VE seen since I was tiny. Tiny. The apostles. Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. Each of them, their faces turned upwards toward glory. And I'm dusting them. And I noticed for the first time that there's some other candles behind these ones. And they've got faces I've never seen before. And instead of looking up, they're looking straight ahead. Some of them holding weapons. Others are holding herbs. They've got color on their face. Granny. Granny, who this? How, baby? Jesus is love. But you know Jesus works for free. Jesus give you everything you want, but Jesus takes his sweet time. Do you hear? They come quick, in a hurry. But baby, you got to pay later. I'm at church. My parents church next to Pops. And the preacher's building up a head of steam. Brethren, brethren. Some of y' all think we playing games here. Some of y' all think you're gonna have it both ways. You think you're gonna have your. Your Ouija boards and your tarot cards.
- [35:05]
Jen Kober
And you're gonna come into God's church.
- [35:07]
Kevin Washington
And sit down like you ain't done nothing with the devil. Well, I got some news for you. I got some news for you right now. Lord don't appreciate it. The Lord sees, the Lord knows. And you say, preacher, Preacher, ain't you going too far? Ain't you saying things that aren't so well? Brethren, I speak for the Lord. I speak for the Lord because I know the Lord's book. And I want you to know it, too. Turn, if you will, to Exodus 22:18. Pops is quick on the draw. He knows his Bible. I will read it real slow so you can hear it in the back.
- [35:55]
Jen Kober
Thou shalt not suffer.
- [36:00]
Kevin Washington
A witch to live. You hear me? Pops looks at me like I told you so. I can barely breathe. When I next see my grandmother, I just ask her, granny, are you a witch? She looks at me a long time. Ain't no such things as witches. Well, Mama, Daddy say. Your mama and daddy say a lot of things. But you gotta understand something, boy. You are far too young to have secrets, but you gotta keep some secrets. You see, you can't tell everybody everything, you see? You can't tell everybody everything, you know. You understand me, boy? You understand me, Yasu? When I go to sleep, folks don't know. I hear him arguing with my auntie. Cause he's my boy, that's why. I know what they arguing about. I'm husking corn with my. At Granny's. I got me some more questions. Granny. Granny, why didn't you help that man, boy, you saw it. Plain as I do. You know good and well why I didn't help that man. Nah, I didn't see. Tell me what you saw. I didn't say, tell me what you saw. I wasn't supposed to see what I saw. You better tell me. I saw a monster fouling them, eating them. And I want her to tell me, no, you're wrong. Is that what you saw? Instead, she nods. But Granny, Granny, why couldn't you help him? And for the first time ever, she looks small, tired, drunken. I don't know what that man did or who he did it to, baby, but some things you can't fix. It's a beautiful summer morning. And my parents tell me, packing up. Gonna move away to the deep country 200 miles away. And it makes me sad. It makes me sad. And I tell him, I say, you know, I love you and I'm gonna miss you, boy. You coming with us. And I think that don't make no kind of sense. I don't think. I don't think Granny gonna want to move to no country 200. Granny ain't coming. You is. And I do. I move to the middle of nowhere, Michigan, and don't get to see Granny much. Don't get to have the songs. Don't get to hear the stories. One night I go to bed. And then right at the foot of my bed, I see my granny sitting there. Boy, how you doing? I'm good. You talk to the plants like I told you? Yes'm. Talk to the plants. Ask em. They do for you. Mm. She tells me stories about the coyote, about the fox, about the moon. She tells me that certain things skip a generation. She tells me that sometimes you gotta look deep, deep inside to find out what's out there. Uh huh. I said. Randy said, well. Well, I got to go now. Where you going? Got a couple more stops for me. All right? Okay, then. In the morning, I sit on the side of the bed, weeping. My father comes in, in the dark. And he tells me that he got a call from my auntie in the middle of the night. My grandmother, 200 miles away. She passed away. I tell him I know. And the look, the shock of horror when I say it. I know I've made a big mistake. She told me a million times, never tell what you know, what you understand. And I know what he's thinking. He's thinking, Exodus 22:18. I think maybe he's right. He didn't ask for this kid who talks to things that couldn't be There chases after bumps in the night. There's only one person, one person I could speak to, one person I could tell the truth. You could tell that sometimes, Sometimes I see monsters. And she's backing away towards the door. And I know he's gonna walk out, but instead he stops, he pulls himself up, he walks over to me. He bends down, eye level. Boy, you know the stuff you talk to your granny about. You could talk to me and this is the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life. But I appreciate it. I appreciate it because it feels like, like he's bending a little bit. Like to say, I have to walk this way, I have to walk my path. But I understand, I understand a little bit that you're gonna have to walk yours. Big, big, big, big thanks to the LAS team for welcoming Spooked John Cone, Rebecca Stumick, Kristin Payne, the Orpheum Team. What a beautiful theater. Ryan Davis and Sarah Rose Leonard at kqed. Big thanks. Jen Colbert. Jen Colbert. Jen is always doing something awesome. Comedy tv. She's often on tour. You can find a link to all things Jen in our show. Notes. The original live score was done by Doug Stewart and Brigeen Murphy. The recording was mixed by Miles Lassie. Now, did you go on a cruise ship and have a life changing supernatural experience? Of course you didn't. That would be absurd. But if it happens anywhere else, I would sure love to know about it. Spooked@snapjudgment.org because there's nothing better than a spooked story from a spooked listener. Spookednapjudgment.org spooked themselves. Emerges in the dark of night from the underground crypts at K3D Studios. Don't seek to find the way in. That's the way in seeks to find you. Spoons is brought to you with a team that uses the Ghostbuster movies as instructional videos. Except of course, for Mark Risch. You can scream at him till your horse, he's still trying to cross streams. There's Davey Kim, Zoe Ferrigno, Eric Yanez, Elliot Lightfoot, Marissa Dodge, Teo Dicott, Miles Lassie and Doug Stewart. And I want to thank the LAS team for welcoming Spooked John Kohn, Rebecca Stumay, Kristin Payne. The Orpheum Team. What a beautiful theater. Ryan Davis and Sarah Rose Leonard at kqed. We've got the special incantation from Spooked Legal. It reads that no Snap Studios content may be used for training, testing or developing machine learning or AI systems without prior written permission. Take that. Team Spooked the union represented producers, artists, editors and engineers are members of the national association of Broadcast Employees and Technicians, Communications workers of America, AFL CIO Local 51. The spook theme song is by Pat Mesiti Miller My name is from Washington and they say the Shadowlands are scary. And I'm gonna guess that's true. I'm gonna guess as well. The lands of shadow are other things that they are beautiful, curious, compelling, horrifying, even funny. Really? You might ask me. Bold claim. Based on what? I'll tell you what it's based on. It's based on the idea that it is us. And us is it. Wherever we go, there we are. Run as far as you want, cross as many planes of existence as you wish. Wherever we are, it is as well. And as a reminder of this fundamental tenet, one thing I like to tell the kids is to never ever, never, never ever, never ever, never, never, never, never ever turn out sa.