The League of Impersonators - Snap Classic

Summary

Summary of "The League of Impersonators - Snap Classic" Episode of Snap Judgment

Released on October 3, 2024, by Snap Judgment and PRX, this episode titled "The League of Impersonators - Snap Classic" masterfully intertwines real-life drama with the art of impersonation. Through compelling narratives and dynamic storytelling, the episode explores themes of identity, survival, and the unintended consequences of uncanny resemblance.

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Introduction

The episode opens with Glen Washington setting the stage for a captivating story about impersonation and its profound impacts. By blending real stories with energetic beats, Snap Judgment invites listeners into a world where looking like someone else can change the course of one's life.

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Story 1: Umid Izabaev – An Unintended Doppelgänger

From Ordinary to Unwanted Fame

In 2019, Umid Izabaev, an Uzbek auto shop employee in Moscow, lives a mundane life until a serendipitous photo captures his likeness to Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy. Unaware of Zelenskyy's political stature, Umid becomes an overnight sensation.

Umid Izabaev ([03:24]): "I came home from painting cars, slept, woke up. And when I woke up, I woke up famous."

As his resemblance gains traction, Umid is inundated with invitations to media outlets and opportunities to leverage his likeness without any effort to imitate Zelenskyy's voice or mannerisms.

Political Tensions and Escalating Dangers

With the backdrop of deteriorating Russia-Ukraine relations and the onset of the Russian invasion of Ukraine in February 2022, Umid's situation becomes perilous. The threat of his image being exploited for propaganda purposes looms large.

Umid Izabaev ([07:04]): "Portray Zelenskyy, it was a meaningless, ugly role. I didn't want to play that role. He is not a clown. He is a president. I was afraid to unwittingly participate in a show that would make fun of Zelenskyy or make him ashamed."

Realizing the danger, Umid contemplates abandoning his life in Moscow. However, a pivotal suggestion from his old agent leads him to relocate to Kyiv, aiming to continue his impersonation in a safer environment.

Enter Howard X and Steve Poland – The Impersonator Saviors

Howard X, the world's foremost impersonator of North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, and Steve Poland, a seasoned Putin impersonator, become Umid's unexpected allies. Recognizing the grave risks Umid faces, they devise a daring rescue plan to extract him from the war-torn region.

Steve Poland ([10:26]): "I thought maybe, damn, I better give Umer a call, because I didn't want him to be used as Russian propaganda."

Despite initial setbacks and Umid's hesitation, the duo's determination shines through. They navigate a series of challenges, including mistaken identities at checkpoints and the constant threat of bombings, to facilitate Umid's escape.

The High-Stakes Rescue

The climactic rescue sees Umid narrowly escape the advancing Russian forces, embarking on a treacherous journey to Poland. The emotional weight of leaving behind his former life and the uncertainty of the future underscore the story's intensity.

Umid Izabaev ([24:17]): "Howard took me out of the war. He gave me the rest of my life."

Aftermath and New Beginnings

Safely in Poland, Umid begins the process of rebuilding his life as a refugee. The bond formed between him and his impersonator rescuers highlights themes of solidarity and the profound impact of human connections in times of crisis.

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Story 2: Joel Gein – Living Through a Glitch in the Matrix

Unexplained Time Anomalies

Transitioning from international impersonation drama, the episode delves into the eerie experience of Joel Gein, a former military personnel now navigating college life. Joel notices discrepancies in his daily routines, such as missing shuttles and unexpected parking tickets, leading him to suspect something is amiss.

Joel Gein ([35:00]): "I felt like I was living through a glitch in the matrix. I felt like the system had hiccuped and I was the casualty."

Discovering the Electrical Grid Mystery

Joel's investigation uncovers that his apartment is connected to a separate electrical grid, causing his digital clocks to run slow due to incorrect alternating current frequency. This technical anomaly explains the perceived time discrepancies.

Joel Gein ([41:26]): "All of my clocks were about the wall. That was the aha moment. That was the ray of hope."

Resolution and Reflection

With the issue identified and rectified, Joel experiences relief and a newfound understanding of his predicament. The story serves as a metaphor for perception versus reality and the lengths one might go to make sense of inexplicable events.

Joel Gein ([41:26]): "Has plenty of other problems. But there wasn't a space time glitch in my apartment. It was fixed more or less immediately."

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Conclusion

"The League of Impersonators - Snap Classic" weaves together two distinct yet thematically linked stories about identity and perception. Umid Izabaev's journey underscores the complexities of unintended fame and political turmoil, while Joel Gein's narrative explores the psychological impact of unexplained phenomena. Through rich storytelling and evocative quotes, Snap Judgment delivers an episode that is both entertaining and thought-provoking, urging listeners to consider the deeper implications of looking like someone else and the fragility of perception.

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Notable Quotes

• Umid Izabaev ([12:34]):

  "He said, 'I'm not forcing you to trust me. It is your choice.'"

• Steve Poland ([15:02]):

  "We need to get this guy out. He's in real danger. He's one of us. We have an obligation."

• Umid Izabaev ([24:17]):

  "Howard took me out of the war. He gave me the rest of my life."

• Joel Gein ([35:00]):

  "I felt like I was living through a glitch in the matrix. I felt like the system had hiccuped and I was the casualty."

• Steve Poland ([10:35]):

  "When I swear, do you cut that off or does that go in?"

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This detailed summary encapsulates the essence of the "The League of Impersonators - Snap Classic" episode, highlighting the pivotal moments and emotional undertones that define the narratives. Whether it's the life-threatening scenarios faced by Umid or the perplexing experiences of Joel, the episode offers listeners a profound exploration of identity and reality.

Transcript

[Glen Washington]

Snap Studios. Snap Judgment is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible financial geniuses, monetary magicians. These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive and save hundreds. Visit progressive.com to see if you could save Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states or situations. Okay, so Kyoto, Japan, Friday night. I'm fresh dressed like a million bucks. Got all my blazing white tee and some brand new chucks. There's a spring in my step but I move real slow, Meet up with my crew. Cause my crew say so? We step up to the line but then the bouchers come and get us. First I gets kind of scared, but they don't try to hit us. Instead they take us through the back like I'm some kind of Mac. Poor as Hulk and Jack figure it must be cause I'm black. We got the vip, we're looking down at the crowd. Then they start up the music and they kick it real loud. A man takes the stage and they stop the beat. He's like, there's a celebrity in the house that y'all need to meet. He points up at my crew, we start looking around. Then he shouts out, there goes Bobby Brown.

[Howard X]

Yep.

[Glen Washington]

Up in the club in front of hundreds of people. And the spotlight comes on. The dude says, I'm Bobby Brown. What would you do? What would you do? I'm gonna tell you what I did. The drinks, the crowd, the spotlight, the music. I dance. Every little breath you take, I give the people what they want. You're welcome, Bobby Brown. Wherever you may be, you're welcome. That's what I did. But today, unsafe judgment, other folk, they make other choices. We proudly present the League of Impersonators. My name is Glen Washington. It's my prerogative. Don't be cruel. What's the telephone? Man, that girl is poison. I don't know about that last one, but you're listening to Snap Judgment. We begin when Umid Izabaya is trapped behind enemy lines. He gets help from two of the world's most dangerous men. Sam Judgment.

[Narrator]

In 2019, Umid Isabaev was living in Moscow. Every day he took the metro.

[Umid Izabaev]

I was working at a pretty good garage. While I was going to work, a guy who was sitting right in front of me took my picture. After a week or so, my sister sent me this picture. Apparently, they showed it on YouTube, saying I looked like the president of some country.

[Narrator]

The stranger on the train had taken a photo of Umid and posted it online. In it, Umid is sitting facing the camera, wedged between two other commuters, holding a plastic bag on his lap. His eyes are closed. He looks tired. But as the guy who posted it pointed out, what Umid really looks like is Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy. The photo attracted comments like, it's him and the real Zelenskyy doesn't have a stomach like that. Meanwhile, Umid barely knew who Zelenskyy was.

[Umid Izabaev]

I didn't know that he was a president. I didn't understand politics. I was not involved in politics at all.

[Narrator]

But pretty soon, politics wanted to be involved with him.

[Umid Izabaev]

All of a sudden, I became famous. They started inviting me to different studios, to different programs. A producer wanted to make some movie.

[Narrator]

Umid is from Uzbekistan. He moved to Moscow in 2006 to work in his friend's auto shop, where he painted cars all day long. It was hard work. So after the photo went viral, when people started tracking him down and asking him to be on their talk shows or news programs, he went with it. He didn't even have to imitate Zelensky's voice or do any acting, just put on a suit and stand in front of the cameras.

[Umid Izabaev]

I came home from painting cars, slept, woke up. And when I woke up, I woke up famous.

[Narrator]

But as he fielded requests from Russian TV producers, there was something Umid hadn't realized.

[Umid Izabaev]

I didn't even know that Ukraine and Russia were not getting along. I thought they all were the same people.

[Narrator]

The Russian invasion of Ukraine was still two years away, but the two countries had been at war since 2014. And here was Umid living in Russia while looking like a dead ringer of the enemy nation's president. This is a clip from a 2020 Russian TV Umid as Zelenskyy is standing on a stage while four men, wearing the traditional shirt of Ukraine, a white blouse with red embroidery, link arms and whirl around him. The men sing to him, where is the money? Umid LIP SYNCS BACK There isn't. THEY SING if you are trying to get into NATO, it would be better if you raised salaries. Is there any hope for that? Umid LIP SYNCS BACK There isn't.

[Umid Izabaev]

They said it was not making fun of Zelenskyy. Also, those singers, they said they were from Ukraine too. They said I should not worry about it. And so I agreed.

[Narrator]

But when TV producers approached him about making a Russian version of the show Servant of the People, the one that Zelenskyy had starred in before becoming president of Ukraine, Umid started getting uneasy about the way he was being asked to.

[Umid Izabaev]

Portray Zelenskyy, it was a meaningless, ugly role. I didn't want to play that role. He is not a clown. He is a president. I was afraid to unwittingly participate in a show that would make fun of Zelenskyy or make him ashamed.

[Narrator]

So in February 2021, Umid gave up the whole thing, not just impersonating Zelensky, but his entire life in Moscow. He quit his job, said goodbye to his friends, and moved back to his hometown in Uzbekistan, where he thought about starting a farm. But soon his old agent in Moscow got back in touch with an idea. What if Umid moved to Kyiv instead and worked as a Zelensky impersonator there? In Ukraine, he was free to make money from his face without being used for Russian propaganda. So Umid did. He found another job in Kyiv, painting cars. And for extra money, he took on Zelensky gigs. He appeared in a TV program about political lookalikes alongside a big, boisterous guy from Australia who played Kim Jong un. Then, in February 2022, the Russians invaded. Umid thought.

[Umid Izabaev]

They are all Slavic people. They are relatives. They will get along with each other tomorrow. The war will end one day. It is not forever.

[Narrator]

Then the bombs started falling.

[Umid Izabaev]

There was nobody on the streets. You couldn't even turn on the lights at your house. You couldn't go out on the balcony. Very few of my neighbors were left. I could hear the rockets landing at the airport. Grenades and bombs were exploding all around the war. It felt like it was coming closer and closer. Maybe rockets and bombs could fall on top of me.

[Narrator]

It occurred to Umid that looking like a president is one thing. Looking like the president of an invaded country is another. At this point, people he knew back in Russia started reaching out to him.

[Umid Izabaev]

Saying, where are you? It is better if you tell us your address and let us bring you to Moscow.

[Narrator]

This was all happening about the time that the real Zelensky refused to be evacuated from Kyiv, saying, the fight is here. I need ammunition, not a ride. What would happen if someone saw Umid fleeing the country and mistook him for the real thing?

[Umid Izabaev]

I didn't want to leave. I respected Zelenskyy like my own brother. His heart is strong and large. I didn't want fake information to spread that Zelenskyy had fled the country.

[Steve Poland]

That's when I thought, damn, I better give Umer a call, because I didn't want him to be used as Russian propaganda.

[Narrator]

This is the supreme leader of North Korea. Actually, it's Howard X, by the way.

[Steve Poland]

When I swear, do you cut that off or does that go in?

[Narrator]

He's the guy from Australia who had appeared with Umid in that TV program about political look alikes. Howard has been the world's foremost impersonator of Kim jong un since 2011, when he first saw him on TV.

[Steve Poland]

Yeah, that was the first time we looked at the tv. And I thought, wow, this guy really looks like me. He's the only fat person in the whole North Korea. And I thought, damn, I can make some money off this.

[Narrator]

He's been in TV commercials, video games, flown all over the world to attend private parties and restaurant openings. And, yeah, he's on cameo.

[Steve Poland]

Hello, this is Kim Jong. This message is for Eli, and I'm here to wish you a happy bar mitzvah. Death to America.

[Narrator]

Howard could talk about his adventures as Kim Jong Un for days.

[Steve Poland]

It's done wonders for my sex life. I had a Tinder profile that's Kim Jong Un, and man, it was.

[Narrator]

But he does use his resemblance for a higher purpose. He argues that by impersonating a dictator, he's undermining the power of authoritarians everywhere.

[Steve Poland]

Communist countries with dictatorships, they can't stand satire. They can't stand people laughing at them. Somebody told me that, you know what? You're more powerful than the fucking nuclear weapon.

[Narrator]

So when the Russian invasion begins.

[Howard X]

Breaking news.

[Glen Washington]

Russia has now begun in.

[Narrator]

Howard is watching the bombs fall on TV from the other side of the world, remembering Umid and thinking, I want.

[Steve Poland]

To take that chess piece out of Putin's hand. It's only a small chess piece, but I believe it is an important one. And also, he's one of my tribe.

[Narrator]

On March 1, 2022, six days after the invasion began, he reached out.

[Steve Poland]

I told him, you need to get the hell out of there. And I offered my help.

[Umid Izabaev]

He said, I just want to do some good for you. You're in danger, and I want to save you. This war is not going to end tomorrow or the day after, and there is no reason for you to stay there. It's better if we get you out of Kyiv. So I told him, first, let me meet you and talk to you so I can know if you are who you say you are.

[Narrator]

To Umid, Howard was a stranger, so they got on a video call.

[Steve Poland]

That's one of the advantages of being a lookalike. When they see you through the video on Skype, they know they're dealing with someone who's trustworthy.

[Umid Izabaev]

He said, I'm not forcing you to trust me. It is your choice.

[Steve Poland]

And I said, do you want to get out? And he said, yes, I do want to get out.

[Umid Izabaev]

He knew politics and politicians. He was able to explain them to me, and that's why I believed him. He told the truth. I thought, maybe Allah has given me a chance to leave this place.

[Steve Poland]

So I contacted the next person who was the closest to him, which was the Putin impersonator who lives in Woclav, Poland.

We don't choose our faces. We are born with our faces.

Steve Poland. That's his stage name.

Nature didn't bless me with the full head of her. Putin's hair situation is similar to mine. So when I go to photography sessions with all the other impersonators, I just walk in and I don't have to do anything. The other people have to sit and get their hair done.

[Narrator]

Howard and Steve had played Kim and Putin a bunch before. They were big names on the fake dictator circuit.

[Steve Poland]

Just the fact that I look like Putin does not mean I can change the world. It doesn't mean that I can meet face to face with the president of Russia and explain things to him, so maybe he could change and not cause so much evil and pain. I don't have that power, so I do what I can. I try to use my looks in a positive way.

[Narrator]

Howard explained Umid's situation to Steve.

[Steve Poland]

We need to get this guy out. He's in real danger. He's one of us. We have an obligation.

Umid could have been used in Russian propaganda, possibly one day in the form of fake news, with the president of Russia falsely announcing the war's end. And Umid was afraid of playing that role. It might have been the last role of his life.

[Narrator]

Within days, Steve and Howard hatched a plan and shared it with Umid. Steve reached out to people he knew in Ukraine, members of the National Guard who could move around the country freely. They would send a driver to meet Umid and take him to a safe house about 100 km from Kyiv. There, he could lay low a few days before continuing across the border to Poland, where Steve would be waiting for him. But when the rescue car showed up, Umid wasn't there.

[Steve Poland]

I thought maybe, oh, maybe he was killed.

[Glen Washington]

Don't go anywhere. Snappers. When we return, the rescue plan is in place. But where's Umi? Stay tuned. Welcome back to Snap Judgment, the League of Impersonators episode. When last we left, the car to take Umi to safety had just shown up, but now he's gone awol. Is Howard's Plan falling apart, snap judgment.

[Steve Poland]

I thought maybe, oh, maybe he was killed. But apparently he wasn't killed.

[Umid Izabaev]

I had this big hesitation. I didn't know who to trust. I don't trust anybody else in this world except my father. I had some people close to me in Kyiv who took me under their protection. They said, let us check the vehicle that comes. They didn't want some strange driver to give me to Russian soldiers. They said they would check the vehicle and the driver first and I should tell them I wasn't home.

[Steve Poland]

So we had to talk to him. Say, what the f, man? The car was waiting there for you, man. We had to pull a lot of strings to get this guy.

[Narrator]

Here's Steve Poland again, the Putin guy.

[Steve Poland]

We talked to him that night, telling him that our purpose is to help him, asking him to trust us and give. Giving him choices. Either accepting our help in getting him out or staying behind and taking care of himself without our help.

[Narrator]

Four days go by. Meanwhile, the Russian armed forces are trying to encircle Kyiv. Tanks are advancing. Missiles are flying. One strikes the city's TV tower, cutting off all transmissions. Umid's life hangs on how quickly Howard and Steve can convince him to leave.

[Steve Poland]

Get on the video phone. Get on the WhatsApp. We need to do a video call so that he can see you.

[Narrator]

So Howard arranges a video call between Umid and Steve Poland, who looks exactly like Putin.

[Steve Poland]

He knew that we weren't working for anyone. We convinced him we are people that he can trust. We're dis impersonators trying to help you out. We're not working for the Ukrainians. We're not working for the Russians.

[Glen Washington]

Our number.

[Howard X]

Allah holden.

[Umid Izabaev]

Allah made me trust him.

[Narrator]

Howard and Steve find another driver, another car, and Umid agrees to get in.

[Steve Poland]

It just in the nick of time. The whole area was heavily shelled the next day. I honestly don't know what would have happened if we hadn't picked them up that day.

[Narrator]

The car is actually a minibus. It's full of other escaping Ukrainians, all wearing Covid face masks. Umid climbs in and tries to get comfortable. He's wearing a face mask, too, plus sunglasses. But there's a problem.

[Umid Izabaev]

The driver recognized me first, and then old women in the car recognized me. They said, you are Zelensky, and that's why you don't want to take off your mask. You want to know how regular people are being evacuated.

[Narrator]

Umid tells them that he isn't, but they keep talking to him like he's Zelensky.

[Umid Izabaev]

They Said, when are you planning to end the war? Your people are with you.

[Narrator]

I'm not Zelensky. Umid insists.

[Umid Izabaev]

Finally, I showed them my passport, and then they believed me. We were passing by streets where I had good times, good memories. Now there were soldiers and tanks everywhere. The roads were trafficky and there were cars that were broken upside down. Many, many things were going through my mind. Where am I going? Are these people trustworthy? Are the Russians going to kidnap me? What if there is a rocket explosion right next to me? I was afraid. And at the time, I understood what Zelensky might feel as a person, as a president.

[Narrator]

Night falls ahead. Soldiers appear. It's a Ukrainian checkpoint. The driver tells everyone in the minibus, don't answer any questions, just show your documents.

[Umid Izabaev]

The soldier who was checking my documents, he asked me to take off my glasses and my mask. He was standing there with a rifle and he got scared seeing me. He didn't know if I was the president or just somebody who looked like him.

[Narrator]

Umid doesn't know what to do. The soldier is jumpy. He's holding a gun. But the driver calms him down, tells him Umid is just a look alike. Nothing to see here. The minibus drives on. Sometime later, men in uniform force the bus to stop again. This time it's Ukrainian police. They're looking for anyone who might be in touch with Russian agents. They want to check everyone's phone for anything suspicious. And when they get to Umid, they notice all the calls from his friends in Moscow.

[Umid Izabaev]

They took my documents and my bag for some inspection.

[Narrator]

The police keep him for hours. Then finally, one of them bothers to take a good look at him.

[Umid Izabaev]

They realized that I looked like Zelensky. And then after that, they started helping me.

[Steve Poland]

He showed them the pictures of me and the Putin impersonator. And then the cops go, okay, okay, cool. We believe you.

[Umid Izabaev]

They apologized. They wished me happiness. They wished me luck. They said they saw their president with their own eyes. And they hugged me.

[Steve Poland]

And then even the cop said at the end, said, hey, tell Kim Jong to send us some missiles.

[Narrator]

Finally, six days later, Umid crosses the border into Poland. Steve is waiting in Wroclaw.

[Steve Poland]

He went directly to the hotel we had reserved for him and slept. He was exhausted. After that, he came to the reception area to meet me. I knew what he looked like, but when he came out, I have to say that he looked more like Zelensky in person. We shook hands and then we hugged each other. There were some people in the reception area and they looked at us. They looked very surprised.

[Narrator]

It's not every day you see Putin and Zelensky holding each other in a hotel lobby. Do you feel like you saved his life?

[Steve Poland]

I guess. I've taken him out of immediate danger. The rest is up to him.

[Umid Izabaev]

Howard took me out of the war. He gave me the rest of my life.

[Narrator]

The two talk regularly. Howard keeps urging Umid to bulk up so he'll look more like Zelensky, although that doesn't seem to be a problem.

[Umid Izabaev]

They all call me Zelensky.

[Narrator]

After his escape, Umid went to live in a refugee camp in Germany along with hundreds of others.

[Umid Izabaev]

The cooks call me Zelenskyy. The guards call me Zelenskyy. Everybody calls me Zelensky.

[Glen Washington]

Thank you, Umid, for sharing your story with the Snap. The three fake heads of state recently reunited in Poland for a magazine photo shoot. I'm gonna have a link to that [e-mail] Umid is still waiting for his papers. He's hoping to be back in the Zelenskyy game soon.

[Umid Izabaev]

My plan is to stay in Europe. If they invite me, of course, I will participate in some movie or show. My only other wish is to go to America.

[Glen Washington]

In addition to Umeet and Steve, Howard represents impersonators of Barack Obama, Rodrigo Duterte, Elon Musk, and Bruce Lee. And Howard is currently running for public office in from the Australian state of Victoria.

[Steve Poland]

If the CIA is listening, take out the real Kim Jong and put me in his place. Okay, I'll open up the country and I'll free all the political prisoners and I'll be a good, good, benevolent dictator.

[Glen Washington]

Big thanks to Ethan Hirschenfeld, who voiced Umid's words, and to Mars Lepowski, who was the voice of Steve Poland. And thanks to our translators for this piece, Muhaddin Ahun Hajayev and Magdalena Baltz. The original score was by Renzo Gorio. It was produced by John Fasile and Anne Ford. When Snapchat returns, A hole in the Matrix. Stay tuned. You're listening to Snap Judgment. I know it's in Washington and it's 2004. Joel Gein just left military training to get married and go to college. He's got a new life, got him a new wife, but he's having serious problems getting places on time. As the story starts, Joel and his wife are living in an off campus apartment. Snap Judgment.

[Howard X]

It's a mile to campus, so I pretty much had to be on campus by 9am every day. I need to be catching the 8:36 shuttle, and it really is to the minute. I got up and I got dressed and grabbed my bag with my books in it, okay, shuttle's gonna be here soon. Walk out the back door, lock it, walk over to the corner. And I could see, as I was getting to the stop, I could see the shuttle disappearing up the hill. So I was like, I must have left a minute later than I thought, or the shuttle was a little earlier. Maybe a little bit of both. They're just not really early. Now I have to speed walk to campus. By the time I got to class, I was a little late, which was annoying, but I just went about my day the next morning. I wasn't really thinking about it. I just thought, all right, I missed the shuttle yesterday. I better be a little faster. I do like to be on time. That was pounded into me in the military. And so I kept a closer eye on the time and gave myself a few minutes more to spare. I got to the shuttle stop, and the shuttle wasn't there. And nobody else was either. I'm looking around, going, the shuttle canceled, and everybody knew but me somehow. What's going on? After standing there for a minute or two and realizing the shuttle's not coming, I walked to class as fast as I could. And I was even later that day, the professor's like, what's your problem? Why aren't you showing up on time? And I don't really have an explanation besides, the shuttle's not running properly. On the third day, I'm determined to get my life back on track, so to speak. I double check my clocks in the morning. I get up earlier, I get out to the bus stop. Plenty of time to spare. There should be other people here waiting for the bus to go to class. And I'm here all by myself. I hurry to a class, get there as fast as I can, and I'm late. Embarrassingly late. No matter what I do, I'm behind. When I get that knot of anxiety right in the middle of my chest, right below my solar plexus, and it just constricts everything. It feels like I can't breathe completely. I wasn't used to being confused. I'm former military. I was taught how to assess the situation, gather data, find the course of action. And that had built a lot of confidence in me. I felt like I should be able to get through a day on campus correctly. That should be easy. And it turns out it wasn't. I talked to my wife about it. I said, hey, I keep being late to stuff, and she was the one who said, well, why don't you set your watch and wear it? I have a Seiko watch that my father gave me for my 18th birthday. Nothing too fancy. It was in my nightstand, desk drawer. I set it by the alarm clock on my dresser. What I noticed was the campus flow didn't make sense. It's a busy campus. There are tens of thousands of students. When school is in full session, you're going to have crowds of people moving back and forth between buildings. And those movements tend to correspond with the top of the hour. And it seemed a little bit off at times. When it should have been crowded, it wasn't. And when I thought it should have been quiet, it was crowded. Nothing was quite the way it should be. There was an errand that I needed to run on campus. There was a metered parking spot right by the campus building I needed to go to. They would only enforce the meters after 5pm because they didn't want students trying to park overnight. I parked there. I checked my watch. I had plenty of time. I did my appointment and came back and I had a parking ticket. I just set my watch this morning. It was 4:57 or something like that. I looked at the ticket and the ticket said it was 5:09pm I thought, I'm going to protest this ticket. This is so unfair. I'm a poor student. I can't pay this. I don't remember what the fine was. $40 or something. I can't pay $40 just because they're being greedy and giving me tickets that I don't deserve. I angrily went back to my apartment and called the parking office, said, hey, you gave me a parking ticket at the wrong time. You guys are setting your clocks ahead on your parking ticket riders. She said, no. Our clock synchronized to an atomic clock twice a day. So you misread your watch. I said, no, I've carefully read my watch and I just said it. She said, then all your clocks are wrong. I thought maybe one of my clocks was wrong, but all of them. I was friends with the couple across the hall and his name was Manoj. So I went across the hall, knocked on his door and chatted with Manoj. And from where I was standing, I could see one of his clocks and I could see that his clock matched my clock. I really don't know what's going on. My wife said, well, let's get online, go look up the correct time and reset all the clocks. Because you got a parking ticket, you know, you big buffoon, you got a Parking ticket. So I did. I went online and checked, and sure enough, all of my clocks were about 17 minutes behind. So I reset all my clocks. I had an alarm clock, a oven clock, and a microwave clock. What a relief. Now I know what the problem is. My clocks are off. I'll reset them, and then everything will be fine. I think that was a Friday. Monday morning, I'm feeling pretty confident, and I miss the bus again. My emotions were shifting from annoyance and frustration to fear and suspicion. I was feeling like the world was conspiring against me somehow, but I had no idea how. It makes me think of watching the show the office, where Jim pranks Dwight, and he does stuff like changing the weight of his phone handset or slightly moving his desk a little bit. But to change somebody's clocks every day is a pretty major prank. I just couldn't think of who would be doing this and how they would be getting into my apartment. And it even crossed my mind at one point, like, is my wife doing this? But that's just not her. That's not the kind of prank she would play. And it's just running through my head, what is wrong? What is going on? I sat on the couch, looked out the window, and I got up and I shut the curtains, and I sat back down to contemplate my own sanity for a few minutes. My mind was spinning, trying to fit all the pieces together. Okay, last week I was late every day, and then I got a parking ticket. And that told me in no uncertain terms that I was operating on a slightly different time than everybody else because the parking clocks were correct. And the parking meter lady, when I called in to complain about the ticket, said, all of your clocks must be wrong. I checked, and they were wrong. Resetting my clocks, thinking I had solved it, realizing I hadn't. Sitting in my apartment at my wit's end, feeling shut off from the whole world and wondering, is this my life now? Maybe the world is too confusing for me. Maybe I can't operate effectively. That was a very lonely moment. Everything in the world looked suspicious. Some of the work I did in the military was psychological work. I was moving towards a particular career path, Field intelligence, which is a lot uglier than it sounds. So if you want to upset somebody and if you want to completely brainwash them into new patterns, then what you have to do is adjust subtly things that they don't realize are being adjusted. So when I was training people in the military and I went through this myself, they would actually mess with the length of days and Then when I was training people, I did that too. And you get to where if you wake somebody up and it's dark and you feed them breakfast, they assume it's morning. I had no idea who or what or why or even how, but it felt like somebody was doing this to me. I felt like I was living through a glitch in the matrix. I felt like the system had hiccuped and I was the casualty. Or the equally terrifying possibility is I'm going crazy. Something's wrong with my brain and I'm the only one who knows it. When I talk to my wife about it, I don't recall telling her, hey, I think there's something wrong with me. It's too scary to say it out loud when you think it might be true. We were newlyweds, too. That's not an announcement you want to make to your lovely young bride. It just didn't seem like a very fair thing to bring her into until I had a little more data. I was standing at my back patio and I was looking up the hill towards campus. And then I started thinking, it's a mile from here to campus, and why would I be different from campus? There was space time phenomena right here in my apartment specifically. And then I suddenly realized all of my clocks are plugged into the wall. That was the aha moment. That was the ray of hope. I got online and got on the website and was like, okay, who the heck can I call? So I get this number and I call this guy who normally never has a student call him because he's a maintenance guy. I think the guy's name was Paul. I live in student housing on the east side of campus at this intersection. Am I on a different electrical grid than the rest of campus? And he said, oh, yeah, actually, you are. You're on. We call it B grid. You're separate. The rest of campus and most of the other housing is on a grid. I'm sounding like an emotionally disturbed circus of an individual trying to explain that something was wrong with time and electricity and my life was messed up and can you do anything about this parking ticket, please? He's like, why are you calling to tell me this? Why am I having to listen to this person have this breakdown? He said, I think you need to see somebody. Like, I'm not the person you should be talking to about this. And then I kind of yelled it at him. No, you don't understand. All of my clocks that are plugged into the wall are slowing down. There's this long silence. And he goes, holy. He started explaining to me, and I could barely follow. But the power's pulsing by the outlet. You're getting what's called an alternating current. The pulses are supposed to match a certain frequency. And if that frequency's off, then if you've got the digital clock plugged into the wall, it's giving the clock a false sense of how quickly time is passing. Which meant all of my clocks were slowing down. And because I was on that separate grid from everybody else, then it was affecting me and the very few people in my little building and not affecting most other people. It was that flood of relief, that warm flood of relief that, oh, I'm gonna be okay. I don't live in a broken world. Not broken in the way I thought it was. Has plenty of other problems. But there wasn't a space time glitch in my apartment. It was fixed more or less immediately. Within 24 hours, my clocks weren't off anymore. But you better believe I didn't rely exclusively on plugged in digital clocks anymore. I called the parking ticket place and said, hey, this parking ticket was actually the university's fault. I'm fine because you guys messed up my clocks. And they were like, very funny. You still have to pay the parking ticket.

[Glen Washington]

Thank you, Joel, for sharing your story with us. If you're hungry for more details about Joel's experience with the real life glitch in the Matrix, we're gonna have more information snapjudgment.org the original score for that piece was by Dirk Schwarzoff. It was produced by Ann Ford. Did you like the Journey? Hours of amazing Journeys at the Snap Judgment podcast, available right now for free. Time is brought to you by the team that never wears a clown nose and a multicolored wig when they go about their everyday business. Except, of course, for the uber producer, Mr. Mark Ristic. There's Nancy Lopez, Anna Sussman, Renzo Gorio, Pat Mercedes Miller, Regina Bariaco, David Exime, Shayna Shealy, Teo Dakot, Flo Wiley, John Fasille, Marissa Dodds, Bo Walsh, Annie Nguyen, and Zara Norbach. And please know that this is not the news. No way is this the news. In fact, you could do what I do. Introduce yourself as the Uber producer Mark Risich and watch how you get amazing service in restaurants. And even as you marvel at the difference a name makes, you would still not be as far away from the news as this is. But this is prx.