Amy Miller Wants to Be Invisible

Summary

Summary of "Amy Miller Wants to Be Invisible" - So True with Caleb Hearon

Release Date: November 21, 2024

In this lively episode of "So True with Caleb Hearon," host Caleb Heron engages in a candid and humorous conversation with guest Amy Miller. The duo navigates through personal histories, relationship dynamics, career challenges, and societal observations, all infused with their trademark wit and authenticity.

---

1. Personal Histories and Family Dynamics

Amy opens up about her childhood and family struggles, particularly focusing on her mother's coping mechanisms after the passing of Amy's father. At [01:45], Amy shares:

Amy Miller [01:45]: "She was partying. I know, it's really sad. Yeah. My dad died and then she used his pension to buy a red Mazda Miata and two seats, four kids."

Caleb reflects on their shared but infrequent interactions due to their busy lives:

Caleb Heron [02:08]: "No, that's not true. We're both just on the move a lot."

---

2. Balancing Work and Personal Life

The conversation delves into the challenges of maintaining friendships amidst hectic schedules. Amy expresses a desire to reconnect more frequently:

Amy Miller [02:24]: "I'm going to be in town more in the next few months."

Caleb acknowledges the physical distance and the impact it has on their relationship, highlighting the complexities of staying connected in the entertainment industry.

---

3. Financial Reflections and Career Insights

Amy discusses her experiences in the tech and nonprofit sectors, emphasizing the financial unpredictability inherent in the entertainment world:

Amy Miller [13:53]: "Entertainment is expensive. It's expensive to perform. They take our money."

Caleb concurs, pointing out the reliance on merchandise sales and other revenue streams to sustain artistic careers:

Caleb Heron [14:00]: "Nice. You spent that."

---

4. Relationship Dynamics and Modern Dating

Exploring the nuances of modern relationships, Caleb contemplates the idea of marrying Amy, blending humor with sincerity:

Amy Miller [17:15]: "Yeah, I think we will get married."

They humorously navigate the logistical challenges of attending each other's weddings, given their frequent relocations for performances and tours.

---

5. Celestial Events and Personal Impact

Amy brings up the super moon's effect on her menstrual cycle, interweaving personal experience with playful banter:

Amy Miller [06:07]: "I know that it does change when my period starts."

Caleb engages with the topic, adding his own humorous takes on astrology and celestial phenomena.

---

6. Mental Health and Personal Challenges

The duo touches on themes of mental health, with Amy expressing a yearning for peace and happiness amidst life's chaos:

Amy Miller [48:03]: "I just want peace and happiness."

Caleb empathizes, sharing his own struggles and coping mechanisms, fostering a relatable and supportive dialogue.

---

7. Humor and Social Observations

Amy and Caleb employ humor to address broader societal issues, including homophobia and misunderstandings related to mental health:

Amy Miller [62:14]: "It's so silly to put anything in any hole. Like we're all just animals."

Caleb Heron [64:21]: "Having a small penis doesn't make you evil."

Their lighthearted yet poignant remarks offer insightful commentary on societal norms and personal identity.

---

8. Closing Thoughts and Future Plans

As the episode draws to a close, Amy and Caleb discuss upcoming projects and personal plans, maintaining their engaging and affectionate rapport:

Amy Miller [66:54]: "Just follow me on Instagram. Amy Miller comedy. And I tour all the time. You can come see me."

Caleb expresses his support and admiration, wrapping up the conversation on a heartfelt note.

---

Notable Quotes:

• Amy Miller [03:16]: "I'm gonna buy a helicopter. Just to get places on time in this town."

• Caleb Heron [05:12]: "I wasn't gonna have kids, so what do I need any of this for?"

• Amy Miller [17:07]: "I'm gonna give my boyfriend's dick a break."

---

Conclusion

"Amy Miller Wants to Be Invisible" encapsulates a blend of heartfelt revelations and sharp humor, offering listeners an intimate glimpse into the lives of two friends navigating the demands of personal growth and professional aspirations. Through their engaging conversation, Amy and Caleb provide relatable insights and laughter, making the episode both entertaining and meaningful for audiences.

Transcript

[Amy Miller]

This is a Headgum podcast. This episode is brought to you by Huggies Little Movers. Huggies knows that babies come in all shapes and sizes and their tushies do too. Huggies has more curves and outstanding active fit. Parents know that there's nothing worse than an ill fitting diaper, especially for active wiggly babies. Huggies Little Movers are curved to fit all curves so babies feel comfy no matter how much they're moving around. And we all know they're moving around a lot. They also offer 12 hour protection against leaks which is a game changer. Get your baby's butt into the best fitting diaper. Huggies Little Movers. We got you baby.

[Caleb Heron]

Are you struggling to close deals? Cold outreach is wasting the time of both the buyer and seller at every stage, especially when sellers are using shallow and outdated data. Your organization can overcome these challenges with technology that translates comprehensive, high quality buyer data into into real time insights. These deeper insights empower sales reps and teams to adopt the habits of top performers, which leads to better outcomes like more pipeline, higher win rates and larger deals. We call this deep sales and we've built the first deep sales platform with the next generation of LinkedIn Sales Navigator. Right now you can try LinkedIn Sales Navigator and get a 60 day free [e-mail] trial. That's LinkedIn.com trial for a 60 day free trial. Let LinkedIn Sales Navigator help you sell like a superstar today. Just go to LinkedIn.com trial and get started.

[Amy Miller]

She's always been a great cook, but she just like wasn't around when I was a kid.

[Caleb Heron]

Do you like.

[Amy Miller]

She was partying. I know, it's really sad. Yeah. My dad died and then she used his pension to buy a red Mazda Miata and two seats, four kids.

[Caleb Heron]

Will you avoid me like the plague?

[Amy Miller]

No, that's not true. We're both just on the move a lot.

[Caleb Heron]

Are we recording even? Wow, this is so beautiful.

[Amy Miller]

We're on the move.

[Caleb Heron]

So you never see me and I never see you. What do you think that's about?

[Amy Miller]

You guys late?

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah. You're very late to the recording.

[Amy Miller]

I want to see you so much more.

[Caleb Heron]

Why don't you?

[Amy Miller]

I'm going to be in town more in the next few months.

[Caleb Heron]

I moved.

[Amy Miller]

I know. Okay, so I'll see you out there.

[Caleb Heron]

So I'll see you out on the road.

[Amy Miller]

I can see you out in Kansas City.

[Caleb Heron]

You can come to Kansas City. I'd love for you to come to Kansas City.

[Amy Miller]

I have family there, as you know.

[Caleb Heron]

I do know that. But you don't like them.

[Amy Miller]

I love them so much. Yeah, I know.

[Caleb Heron]

I was just making something up for.

[Amy Miller]

Fun, but I typically don't travel when it's not for making money.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah, well, you love money.

[Amy Miller]

I don't have any.

[Caleb Heron]

I've always said about you, you love money.

[Amy Miller]

I think I would really enjoy it in the abstract of me ever having it.

[Caleb Heron]

When I think about me having money, I see a person who enjoys.

[Amy Miller]

You do. It looks good on you.

[Caleb Heron]

You know, money's been nice.

[Amy Miller]

Can I have some?

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah, of course.

[Amy Miller]

Oh, good. Okay. You guys start showing up on time, though. It was tough to park. Traffic. Oh, my God.

[Caleb Heron]

I'm pretty sure we have a spot.

[Amy Miller]

For you, I think.

[Caleb Heron]

And that comes in the invitation as well?

[Amy Miller]

No, no, it was taken.

[Caleb Heron]

What?

[Amy Miller]

I know.

[Caleb Heron]

Oh, my God.

[Amy Miller]

I read all the instructions.

[Caleb Heron]

I know that about you.

[Amy Miller]

First thing I'll buy with when the money comes, the abstract money. Helicopter.

[Caleb Heron]

You'll get a helicopter.

[Amy Miller]

Just to get places on time in this town.

[Caleb Heron]

Could I convince you to buy property instead?

[Amy Miller]

Oh, well, it is. You can live in it.

[Caleb Heron]

The helicopter.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

And you would. Knowing you, that's the first.

[Amy Miller]

I've bought one new car in my life ever. And the first thing I did was crawl into it to lay down at the dealership.

[Caleb Heron]

Oh.

[Amy Miller]

And they were like, are you planning to live in it? They were like, honey, I just want to see if it's feasible, just in case. Like, a lot of money to spend.

[Caleb Heron]

You got that tattoo at my party.

[Amy Miller]

I got this tattoo at your party. What does it mean? I don't know.

[Caleb Heron]

Couldn't tell you. By Gio.

[Amy Miller]

It was the one that I picked, though.

[Caleb Heron]

By Howdy, cowboy.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah, it's. It's. And this one, I just really like television.

[Caleb Heron]

You do love television.

[Amy Miller]

I love television.

[Caleb Heron]

One thing about you. Oh, you love television.

[Amy Miller]

I'd love to work on it.

[Caleb Heron]

I would love someone give us a ring.

[Amy Miller]

I know. God, brother, sister, comedy. Me and you constantly fighting.

[Caleb Heron]

Do you think brother and sister, me.

[Amy Miller]

And you, what would it be? Romantic involvement. I was kind of hoping a May December. A gay December.

[Caleb Heron]

A gay December. You've done lesbianism a timer, too?

[Amy Miller]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

What got you out of it?

[Amy Miller]

I ruled it out. I told my boyfriend that he would probably be the last man I ever dated. And he was like, oh, that's sweet. And I was like, you missed. You missed a word in that.

[Caleb Heron]

You missed.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah, yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

Current boyfriend?

[Amy Miller]

Yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

Still boyfriend?

[Amy Miller]

Yeah, we live together.

[Caleb Heron]

Really Beautiful.

[Amy Miller]

Oh, thank you.

[Caleb Heron]

That's nice. How is it?

[Amy Miller]

He's really sweet. It's good. You know, I'm readjusting to having a man live in my space. But as men in spaces go. Pretty good one.

[Caleb Heron]

Cause men in spaces can be so tough.

[Amy Miller]

Oh, my God. Like living with a wild animal.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah, but you've caged one. You got one you like.

[Amy Miller]

I keep them tied up. And he likes it.

[Caleb Heron]

Do you know I was just talking to Chance about earlier today. Was that the question came up, how did I meet you? And I was like, oh, Amy helped me set up my first show in LA.

[Amy Miller]

That's right.

[Caleb Heron]

@ the Lyric.

[Amy Miller]

Wow, you helped me out.

[Caleb Heron]

And then you.

[Amy Miller]

Still waiting for my commission on that one.

[Caleb Heron]

You want your $200, I'll send it your way. And then have me on your podcast with Steve.

[Amy Miller]

Yes. Because we met in Chicago.

[Caleb Heron]

We did.

[Amy Miller]

And fell in love right away.

[Caleb Heron]

Fell in love deeply and quickly.

[Amy Miller]

I knew it'd be a great success.

[Caleb Heron]

Oh, when do you think that's gonna happen?

[Amy Miller]

It was a good investment.

[Caleb Heron]

What do you think that's gonna happen?

[Amy Miller]

We're watching it.

[Caleb Heron]

Give me. I want to. I want someone to make a statue of me. Who's gonna make a statue of me?

[Amy Miller]

It's a super moon tonight. This is a good time to, like, tonight's super moon manifest.

[Caleb Heron]

What does that mean?

[Amy Miller]

I don't know. Oh, I know that people who want to see the comet are very frustrated by the light of the super moon because it makes it harder to see the comet. I know there's a lot of celestial shit going on right now. I don't know anything about any of it. I don't know about astrology.

[Caleb Heron]

But you're happy to sort of repeat it.

[Amy Miller]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, I do love a super moon. I know that it does change when my period starts.

[Caleb Heron]

The moon?

[Amy Miller]

Yeah. Never feel more like an animal.

[Caleb Heron]

The moon changes when your period starts.

[Amy Miller]

Well, I'm not the only one. I'm not a werewolf.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Periods are so fascinating to me.

[Amy Miller]

I. No.

[Caleb Heron]

Bad deal.

[Amy Miller]

Oh, it's awful. I mean, I've known for years I wasn't gonna have kids, so what do I need any of this for?

[Caleb Heron]

You don't have any kids. No, not for you.

[Amy Miller]

It's a little late.

[Caleb Heron]

Not for Amy Miller.

[Amy Miller]

They would have needs if I had them now. And Jo. They all. And how precious. Right? But it's just a little late for me.

[Caleb Heron]

I don't think it's ever too late.

[Amy Miller]

Thank you. Why? Because of Edie Falco?

[Caleb Heron]

Exactly. Oh, yeah. The Edie Falco rule. Lest we all forget.

[Amy Miller]

If you have success from the Sopranos. You can have children later in life.

[Caleb Heron]

That's. Hello. Ever heard of it?

[Amy Miller]

In your 50s?

[Caleb Heron]

What are you going to manifest with this moon?

[Amy Miller]

Hopefully, like a very relaxing winter of. Of. Of gaining knowledge, seeing friends and doing fun activities.

[Caleb Heron]

Are you gonna stay in town?

[Amy Miller]

Oh, well, most of it, yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

Not probably for Christmas. I don't know. There's a lot of drama going on in my family.

[Caleb Heron]

In the Bay?

[Amy Miller]

Yes.

[Caleb Heron]

A lot of drama in the Bay.

[Amy Miller]

Yes, always.

[Caleb Heron]

For those who are uninitiated, you're from.

[Amy Miller]

The Bay Area, born in San Francisco.

[Caleb Heron]

Born in San Francisco there for a while. Then you lived in Portland briefly.

[Amy Miller]

Y.

[Caleb Heron]

Three years. And then you moved to la.

[Amy Miller]

I moved to New York and then I moved to la.

[Caleb Heron]

You moved to New York?

[Amy Miller]

Yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

I didn't even know that. How long were you New York?

[Amy Miller]

How are you liking it?

[Caleb Heron]

New York? I'm loving it.

[Amy Miller]

It's not eating you alive.

[Caleb Heron]

Well, it couldn't eat me alive.

[Amy Miller]

I never felt that way either.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah, it would have when I was 20.

[Amy Miller]

Toughen up, toughen up.

[Caleb Heron]

And also, I gotta say, if you have. If you have any kind of financial stability, New York is wonderful.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

Of course, these things that people are stressed out about, they're like, oh, the train's delayed. I'm like, yeah, I'll take a car. I don't. I'm sorry. It's just going to be fine.

[Amy Miller]

I'm going to be okay getting on the train. I know that.

[Caleb Heron]

Not get on the train if it's delayed. I'm not waiting on it.

[Amy Miller]

I would rather walk.

[Caleb Heron]

I'm biking everywhere.

[Amy Miller]

I love it.

[Caleb Heron]

I'm bicycling everywhere.

[Amy Miller]

Wow.

[Caleb Heron]

Which I used to do in Chicago and I kind of forgot that I loved it.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

Because LA is a nightmare city where you.

[Amy Miller]

Scary.

[Caleb Heron]

Oh, it's so beautiful. But you can't bike anywhere. People who bike here are crazy to do it.

[Amy Miller]

It's really. And people think it's more dangerous in New York, but everything, biking, walking, driving there feels safer and more logical.

[Caleb Heron]

They're more European in their deference to bicyclists and walkers. They do stop a little bit more. The honk. But they'll stop while they're doing it.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

Louisiana. I'm. I saw myself. I noticed how I was driving in LA yesterday and I said, this isn't right.

[Amy Miller]

This isn't me.

[Caleb Heron]

The way I'm driving is not safe. I could have killed that person. But it's just something about la. I might have. I really. No, I didn't I saw how I was behaving behind the wheel in la. As soon as I touched back down and I said, yeah, this isn't right.

[Amy Miller]

There's a. There's a coordination in New York where. Because most of the drivers are professional drivers. Right. So if you, like, get in there with your amateur driving, there's like, people are working together.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

You know, even the pedestrians. You're coming through an intersection, New Yorkers are waving. You keep going. We got it. I'm not going to let you hit me. You're not going to. Let's just keep everything moving. And in la, it's like every motherfucker for themselves.

[Caleb Heron]

If you were a car, what kind of car do you think you'd be?

[Amy Miller]

Probably a Jeep Grand Wagoneer.

[Caleb Heron]

Really?

[Amy Miller]

Like, wood paneling, forest screen, older, with the wood panel. Oh, yeah. Tan camel, leather seats. Ooh, yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

I'd love to be in there.

[Amy Miller]

Something John Candy would.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

Be seen driving. Well, you know, I'm John Candy.

[Caleb Heron]

I'm trying to be John Candy. Would you mind not doing that? I'm trying to take over.

[Amy Miller]

You're pure enough.

[Caleb Heron]

Whoa.

[Amy Miller]

I know, I know.

[Caleb Heron]

You don't think I'm pure enough.

[Amy Miller]

No. He's so pure of heart and mind.

[Caleb Heron]

You don't find me to be pure of heart and mind.

[Amy Miller]

I think you're motivated by sex, drugs and money.

[Caleb Heron]

Two out of three ain't bad. Yeah, two out of three ain't bad. I think I'm pure of heart and mind.

[Amy Miller]

I think. Yeah. I don't think you're gonna turn, like, have a heel turn, but I think that John Candy was. I don't know, he. He was more guarded and just innocent.

[Caleb Heron]

Whoa.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah. And you're like. Can be scary.

[Caleb Heron]

A deviant. You find me to be scary? No. Say more about that.

[Amy Miller]

No, I don't.

[Caleb Heron]

Who do you think is scared by me?

[Amy Miller]

Whoever you decide should be.

[Caleb Heron]

That's really nice. I like that.

[Amy Miller]

Actually, we're the same that way.

[Caleb Heron]

You can be scary.

[Amy Miller]

Thank you.

[Caleb Heron]

I would never fear you. But I could see why one would.

[Amy Miller]

You have no reason to.

[Caleb Heron]

I wouldn't.

[Amy Miller]

Not ever? Ever.

[Caleb Heron]

I'm on the good side.

[Amy Miller]

I'm here to protect you.

[Caleb Heron]

You'll protect me?

[Amy Miller]

Yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

You're my guardian angel in many ways.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah. And during the super moon, you know, I pray for you.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah, of course.

[Amy Miller]

Of course.

[Caleb Heron]

When the super moon is here, you.

[Amy Miller]

Pray for me, Like a good friend.

[Caleb Heron]

Because your period getting weird and you've got things to think about.

[Amy Miller]

It just starts early when the moon comes out.

[Caleb Heron]

Really?

[Amy Miller]

Yeah. It's going to start tonight. I'll. I'll. I'll text you.

[Caleb Heron]

Send me a pic.

[Amy Miller]

I definitely will.

[Caleb Heron]

Send me a pic. I do keep track of all my friends periods just in case any of them try to lie to the government about their.

[Amy Miller]

I'm losing a bitch.

[Caleb Heron]

Yes. I go. I go, someone says I'm bitch me. I go, hold on. May 12th.

[Amy Miller]

I. I do track, but there's not. There's no apps for, like, people who want to track because we don't want children. We just want to know what's going on. So, you know, the app will often be like, congrats, your period's late. And I'm like, no, that's not the goal here.

[Caleb Heron]

No, thank you.

[Amy Miller]

No. Yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

Does it tell you when you're ovulating?

[Amy Miller]

Yes.

[Caleb Heron]

How does that feel? What's it like to ovulate?

[Amy Miller]

Okay. You know those nights, days, whatever, where you just feel like, I'm so hot today and I could convince anybody to do anything? Yes, yes. Most of your days.

[Caleb Heron]

I have a lot of those days lately. Last year or so, I'm raking those days in.

[Amy Miller]

Ovulation is peak.

[Caleb Heron]

That you feel just sexy and on top of it.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah. And you can feel when it's happening even if you're not tracking it.

[Caleb Heron]

There's some period havers in the room. Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah. Oh, the best sets I've ever had. I'm like. I'm a puppet master.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

Like, this audience doesn't even know. They think I'm extra funny because I dropped a fucking egg and they can smell it.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

Okay, that part. I shouldn't have said that.

[Caleb Heron]

I didn't like that.

[Amy Miller]

They can sense it and they want to fertilize me.

[Caleb Heron]

That's.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah, they're getting stronger and more powerful because I have that many left.

[Caleb Heron]

Right. Okay. I have rare, precious eggs. Yeah, you did just turn 27.

[Amy Miller]

Thank you.

[Caleb Heron]

Congratulations.

[Amy Miller]

Thanks. I feel good.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

Beautiful.

[Amy Miller]

I can't wait to start working on my 401k.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah. Well, get to work. Yeah, I love that. Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

No, no. I have a latent 403B floating out somewhere.

[Caleb Heron]

You worked in tech.

[Amy Miller]

I worked in nonprofit.

[Caleb Heron]

You worked in tech as well, did you not?

[Amy Miller]

Yeah, but I don't have that 401k anymore.

[Caleb Heron]

Nice. You spent that.

[Amy Miller]

Entertainment is expensive. It's expensive to perform.

[Caleb Heron]

Yes.

[Amy Miller]

They take our money.

[Caleb Heron]

You should see the way musicians are living. Have you paid attention? The way these people are touring?

[Amy Miller]

I know. I'm making dime in my house.

[Caleb Heron]

They don't make a dime I know my musicians go, oh, we're not making anything on. On the ticket sales. Hopefully we make it up on merch.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

Make it up on merch.

[Amy Miller]

Gotta buy merch. You gotta.

[Caleb Heron]

Merch is supposed to be the fun part.

[Amy Miller]

I have. My T shirt drawers are packed.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

With shirts I'm never gonna wear.

[Caleb Heron]

You're so real.

[Amy Miller]

I should have just handed the cash to my friend.

[Caleb Heron]

You're one of the realest people alive.

[Amy Miller]

I love to buy friends merch.

[Caleb Heron]

You're really very real.

[Amy Miller]

I don't have any Caleb merch yet.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

You know, because I like to get it in person. I refuse to go online.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah. Well, it's not like I haven't had a show in the last couple of years that you could have come to a.

[Amy Miller]

Well, we're in different towns a lot of the time.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

And you know, the stuff of my period being weird. It's.

[Caleb Heron]

Hard. Hard to get out to a show, huh?

[Amy Miller]

Some nights it is hard to get out to a show.

[Caleb Heron]

What all nights for me. What comedians do you have merch for that you don't have. But you don't have mine?

[Amy Miller]

I have Blair's merch. I have Beth Stelling.

[Caleb Heron]

That hurts extra.

[Amy Miller]

Steve Hernandez.

[Caleb Heron]

That hurts a lot. I'm way.

[Amy Miller]

That one's embarrassing.

[Caleb Heron]

I'm way funnier than him.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

Oh, Steve's a fucking hack. I can't believe you have his merch.

[Amy Miller]

I know.

[Caleb Heron]

Kidding. Love you, Steve.

[Amy Miller]

All sex stuff and.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

Polyamory.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah. God. Would you ever do Polly?

[Amy Miller]

Oh, yeah. I'm trying to do it right now. I'm trying to get my boyfriend to do it just to get my pussy a break.

[Caleb Heron]

Okay. I know he has. Your boyfriend has a big dick.

[Amy Miller]

I don't know if there's currently a word for that where you just want one person to. Polly.

[Caleb Heron]

So what's the point?

[Amy Miller]

And then I'll just like.

[Caleb Heron]

He's. He's going to fuck other people and you're going to just relax on those nights? Is that the idea?

[Amy Miller]

Yeah. Yes. Yes. Watch selling Sunset or whatever.

[Caleb Heron]

Okay.

[Amy Miller]

And just like, let my pussy breathe.

[Caleb Heron]

I'm so exhausted.

[Amy Miller]

And my skull. By knowing progressive people, you would never.

[Caleb Heron]

You're a monogamous skull is tired.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah, well, I. Yeah. I don't have that big of a head, you know.

[Caleb Heron]

What's he doing to your head?

[Amy Miller]

Skull? No, he's gentle. He's wonderful. But, you know, I like to do a good job. I love him. He cooks and stuff.

[Caleb Heron]

So you're. Yeah, you're. You're tossing some Neck his way after dinner.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah. I have started to feel like. And I'm sorry that I started to do a bit about it. I'm not doing a bit at you, but I have started to feel like blowing men is a little old timey.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

Antiquated.

[Caleb Heron]

How do you mean?

[Amy Miller]

Just seems like very antique and animalistic.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

Like we should have a solution for that by now.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

That's not my skull.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah. Okay. Like I'm waiting to hear more. Yeah. I like this.

[Amy Miller]

I. And I do it, you know, I'm a good girlfriend. I do it for the exchange or whatever.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

And because he deserves it. He's a wonderful man.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

But like I don't think, you know, I think men should blow each other. That's great. That's awesome.

[Caleb Heron]

Agreed.

[Amy Miller]

Please, Please. You deserve each other. Big agree.

[Caleb Heron]

Big agree. Think you'll marry him?

[Amy Miller]

Yeah, I think. Thank you, Mariam.

[Caleb Heron]

Think you'll marry him?

[Amy Miller]

He's a suitor. Yeah. I think we will get married.

[Caleb Heron]

Nice.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

But don't invite me.

[Amy Miller]

I'm not.

[Caleb Heron]

Please come do it in a private ceremony or something. I've had it with these weddings.

[Amy Miller]

Please.

[Caleb Heron]

I've had it. I have to fly. I have to come to North Dakota because you fell in love. God damn it.

[Amy Miller]

I know. Give up a weekend of work.

[Caleb Heron]

I have just had it.

[Amy Miller]

They're always exactly when standup happens. I'm like, no, but they're really beautiful.

[Caleb Heron]

I have to have dinner with your aunt because you fell in love, you know. Awesome. And when was the last time you flew in for one of my shows, by the way? Never. I've had very big career moments you've never flown in for. But now I'm supposed to buy a gift cuz you fell in love.

[Amy Miller]

I do think we should. I do think we should get gifts for another occasion.

[Caleb Heron]

I just think it's not likely that I'm necessarily going to have a wedding or have kids. Maybe I will. I want. I would be open to both. But I just think it's really silly that people get heteronormative people but now gay people have started doing it. People who they have a wedding and they expect you to drop everything for it. And I go, when have you dropped everything for me?

[Amy Miller]

I know.

[Caleb Heron]

Like really, when have you. When have you spent round trip flight money, bought a suit like calm. And spend a whole evening having dinner with me and my people and given your whole weekend, sometimes your whole week to an event for me. I have events all the time.

[Amy Miller]

When have you done that?

[Caleb Heron]

You're Gonna come to one of my shows?

[Amy Miller]

Yeah, just for like a Chiefs game or whatever.

[Caleb Heron]

You've never come to my show.

[Amy Miller]

And I am gonna wear a suit.

[Caleb Heron]

I'm not coming to your wedding.

[Amy Miller]

I've seen. I've been to your shows, but I'm saying I'm gonna get a plane ticket. I'm gonna come to Canada.

[Caleb Heron]

What's your favorite joke of mine? What's up, guys? It's me, Caleb. November 23rd in Kansas City. Waxahachie and I are co hosting a bunch of our friends, comedians and musicians at the Midland. We are doing a benefit show called Yeehaw to benefit the tenants union. Tara's episode is out and she talked a bunch about the tenant union. But please, please, please. If you live in Kansas City or nearby Omaha, come on down. Chicago, come on down. November 23rd at the Midland. We're doing a show to benefit the tenant union that we're so excited about it about me, Waxahachie, a bunch of other fun people that will announce. But yes, please come. You guys and girls and everywhere in between spark something uncommon this holiday. With just the right gift from Uncommon Goods. The busy holiday season is here. Yikes. And Uncommon Goods makes it less stressful with incredible handpicked gifts for everyone on your list. All in one spot. Gifts that spark, joy, wonder, delight. And that. It's exactly what I wanted. Feeling. They scour the globe for original, handmade absolutely remarkable things. Somehow they know exactly the perfect gift for every single person you know, like Santa Claus. But they actually work all year round, not just one night like that lacy bum. When you shop at Uncommon Goods, you're supporting artists in small, independent businesses. Many of their handcrafted products are made in small batches. So shop now before they sell out this holiday season. And with every purchase you make it on common goods, they give back $1 to a nonprofit of your choice. They've donated more than $3 million to date. So to get 15% off your next gift, go to UncommonGoods.com so true. That's UncommonGoods.com s o t r u e so true. For 15% off, don't miss out on this limited time offer. You're going to be sick if you do Uncommon Goods. We're all out of the ordinary. I know mine of yours.

[Amy Miller]

You do?

[Caleb Heron]

I do know. Well, I love all your jokes. I think you're. I do think you're one of the funniest. No, I think you're one of the funniest names we have working right now. Period.

[Amy Miller]

Thank You.

[Caleb Heron]

I think you're an absolute, absolute genius. You know this my favorite joke of yours about you. Well, I, I had to force it out of you, but my favorite joke of yours is really hard because I love so many of them, but one that I come back to often is you.

[Amy Miller]

I'm so the.

[Caleb Heron]

The homeless guy because I have a house.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

Do you, do you want to tell the joke?

[Amy Miller]

I'm not. No, because I'm not proud of it.

[Caleb Heron]

But I love that joke. Why are you not proud of it? You. Because of the unhoused of it all. Yeah, well, he shouldn't be mean.

[Amy Miller]

But I haven't changed the terminology.

[Caleb Heron]

They don't get to be mean.

[Amy Miller]

I know, I'm sorry.

[Caleb Heron]

I'm sorry. God bless them, hate their circumstances. They don't get to be mean. They don't get to treat me bad because they're. I'm sorry.

[Amy Miller]

No, you could be mad. They shouldn't be. Fat. Shamey.

[Caleb Heron]

No, you don't get to call me. I've had, I've had unhoused people call me and I'm supposed to react with love. No, I'm going to call you a slur.

[Amy Miller]

Which one?

[Caleb Heron]

I'm calling him the H. Slur. I'm calling him the H. Slur.

[Amy Miller]

Houseless house.

[Caleb Heron]

Less.

[Amy Miller]

I don't. I. Yeah. That joke has been widely circulated and I don't feel like the most proud of it I'll ever feel on my deathbed when, if I think about it.

[Caleb Heron]

I'd be very proud of that joke.

[Amy Miller]

In the next few years.

[Caleb Heron]

Did you want to say a joke of mine that you love or did you want it to just be one sided?

[Amy Miller]

Let's just. I think because we're running out of time.

[Caleb Heron]

No. We do have voicemails though. Do you want to listen to a voicemail from one of our fans?

[Amy Miller]

Yeah. Can I also just say one more thing about weddings because I just went to one. I'm not going to say whose it was because I feel like, like her feelings might be hurt. But I swear to God, during the most touching family speeches, entire table of comedians non stop talking. Well, they're not like this.

[Caleb Heron]

Whose wedding was it?

[Amy Miller]

I'm not gonna say.

[Caleb Heron]

Tell me.

[Amy Miller]

There were a couple people at the table that were scared enough of me just by a look to shut up. A few people didn't give. A father crying, my baby girl. And a thick southern accent. You can guess all the comedians talking. Whose wedding was drunk, screaming. I'm not gonna tell you.

[Caleb Heron]

Tell me off camera.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah, of course.

[Caleb Heron]

Say it now. We'll be. Let's. We. We would, but I'll hear it off camera. Let's. What's the voicemail?

[Amy Miller]

Hi, Caleb, Love the show. My question is, what do you think about time travel? Does the butterfly effect work? Why do movies have their own variations? Can't they come to a consensus of having the same idea? Is it possible to achieve in real life? Yeah, we'd love to know. My name is Michaela. My big three is. I'm a Libra Sun, Virgo moon and Taurus rising. Our big three.

[Caleb Heron]

No, now, mind you, we don't ask. Right. So we didn't ask. Hi, Mikayla. Love you. Shout out. But we didn't ask Mikayla to list their big three.

[Amy Miller]

You didn't prompt. No, wait, what's your big three?

[Caleb Heron]

What do you think of time travel? Yes.

[Amy Miller]

No, I think anything's really possible.

[Caleb Heron]

I don't.

[Amy Miller]

I can't. Okay. I don't really believe in anything anymore because I got roped into so many stories early on as, you know, the Ark, etc.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

Believed it all.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah. He fell for hook, line and sinker.

[Amy Miller]

They got you, you know.

[Caleb Heron]

What'd you say?

[Amy Miller]

Jacob and Esau?

[Caleb Heron]

Oh, yeah.

[Amy Miller]

I thought you said sexy story.

[Caleb Heron]

I thought you said Jake and Benny saw. And I was like, who the fuck are Jake and Benny?

[Amy Miller]

Jake and Benny saw.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah, of course. No. Time travel not real.

[Amy Miller]

It's possible, but it's just not my business, you know, if anyone in this room is from another time. Congrats. You chose a weird thing to come to and just, you know, don't tell me.

[Caleb Heron]

Where would you like to travel if time travel was real?

[Amy Miller]

Ooh, can I cheat? I mean, probably 40 years in the future.

[Caleb Heron]

Really?

[Amy Miller]

Yeah. I just want to be old. Old. Official. Old. Invisible. Oh, sexless being. I'm not saying other that old people are that, but that's how old women get treated. And I personally cannot wait.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

To just be like a ghost amongst us. That's a preset answer Out. A lot of kimonos and robes.

[Caleb Heron]

I don't think old jewels. People are allowed to have their titties out.

[Amy Miller]

You can do whatever you want.

[Caleb Heron]

I did not know that.

[Amy Miller]

And you can just be like, I'm crazy.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

I've been alive too long. Doesn't that seem nice?

[Caleb Heron]

That's. Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

The pressures of being young and I'm not that young anymore, but like being on a journey somewhere instead of just comfortably at the end of it.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

It's too much. It's too stressful.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

You know you're like, what? What? We're working towards something that's so exhausting.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

To what? A better future. I want to be in that future already and know what it is.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

And then just fucking chill out. I will be houseless.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

But my titties will be out.

[Caleb Heron]

I will be houseless, but my titties will be free. I will be free from my cage. And so will they.

[Amy Miller]

I'll definitely call you the Up Slur when you walk by. Mike.

[Caleb Heron]

Amy.

[Amy Miller]

I don't say it, but I think I'm allowed. But I don't. No, no, no. I don't want to say it. I don't want to say it.

[Caleb Heron]

You want to say it.

[Amy Miller]

What is the rule? I think if you've never been called it, say it. No.

[Caleb Heron]

One time.

[Amy Miller]

It's not fun for me.

[Caleb Heron]

We'll bleep it.

[Amy Miller]

I try it at home alone all the time.

[Caleb Heron]

No one's gonna get mad now. Listeners are very cool. Say it once.

[Amy Miller]

No, I say.

[Caleb Heron]

Oh, what about this? I say. You say good.

[Amy Miller]

No.

[Caleb Heron]

Oh. Do you think you would call me a slur were you houseless?

[Amy Miller]

And, I mean, maybe. Let's get in that time machine and go find out.

[Caleb Heron]

I don't think I would go 40 years in the future.

[Amy Miller]

Where would you go?

[Caleb Heron]

Colonial Williamsburg.

[Amy Miller]

Mmm. Gorgeous.

[Caleb Heron]

Would like to see what it was all about. Would like to see what it was all about.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

Or I wouldn't.

[Amy Miller]

Some Butters.

[Caleb Heron]

I would. I would stop Hitler. That'd be fun. I'd love to be the guy who stopped Hitler. I wouldn't stop him before he did any bad things.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

I would stop him when he was maybe, like two bad things in.

[Amy Miller]

Stop him before he kills that dog.

[Caleb Heron]

Before the camps and stuff. But, like, I would. Right. When he comes to power and everyone's like, oh, fuck, what are we going to do? This guy's probably going to be bad.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

I would show up right then and.

[Amy Miller]

Be like, just kill him.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

You gonna tell him why and where you're from?

[Caleb Heron]

I would probably say something.

[Amy Miller]

Definitely gonna call you a slur.

[Caleb Heron]

He says, right as I raise my gun. No, I. Yeah, I would kill him for sure.

[Amy Miller]

I think you'd be surprisingly charmed by him at first, Hitler, and have to remind yourself you did a kill him.

[Caleb Heron]

Do you think I would be swayed by Adolf Hitler.

[Amy Miller]

Maybe? Like, he showed you his art and stuff?

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah. I don't think so.

[Amy Miller]

He's fashionable, you know.

[Caleb Heron]

No, he's not. He wore one uniform pretty much the whole time. He had a horrible little Haircut.

[Amy Miller]

Now, what's the thing with his penis again?

[Caleb Heron]

You'll have to tell me.

[Amy Miller]

Does it have like an extra hole on the side or something?

[Caleb Heron]

Harden?

[Amy Miller]

I think so. Isn't this correct? Yeah. He's got one of those penises where the little urethra is like, took a detour and it goes out the side.

[Caleb Heron]

Hitler himself is believed underneath to have had two forms of genital abnormality. An undescended testicle in a rare condition called penile hypospadias, in which the urethra opens on the underside of the penis.

[Amy Miller]

Okay. By the way. Washingtonpost.com all right, let's talk about Hitler's penis.

[Caleb Heron]

Wait, wait, go back. Go back real quick.

[Amy Miller]

And it was micro as well.

[Caleb Heron]

There's another one from LiveScience called the Science behind Hitler's Possible micro penis. And then of course, Cora, is it true that Hitler had a micro penis?

[Amy Miller]

We love Cora. How big was Hitler's single testicle? Someone needs to know. September 23, 2020. A few months into the quarantine.

[Caleb Heron]

It did not take long. It did not take long of COVID lockdown for people to say, you know what? What was going on with Hitler's dick? The immortal myth of Hitler's deformed genitals.

[Amy Miller]

Oh, my God. I didn't even know about the testicle thing.

[Caleb Heron]

Having a small penis does not make you evil.

[Amy Miller]

I love to see Quoras from mid-2020.

[Caleb Heron]

Having a small penis struggling. You don't necessarily are evil with that.

[Amy Miller]

No, no, no. I don't think so either. Some of the best head I ever got was the smallest penis I ever saw.

[Caleb Heron]

Guys with average to small penises, chapstick working around in there. Pardon?

[Amy Miller]

Like a chapstick.

[Caleb Heron]

His dick was like a chapstick.

[Amy Miller]

It was about those proportions of a tube of chapstick.

[Caleb Heron]

Nice.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah, but wonderful man. He's a teacher.

[Caleb Heron]

And if he's pussy like Kobayashi, then I guess, you know, rock on.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah, you can have a Vienna sausage down there.

[Caleb Heron]

You came in 13 seconds in a bunk bed. The Chiefs beat the bills in 13 seconds once. That's when I think of 13 seconds. I think of the Chiefs Bills game and now I'll think of you. Coming from head.

[Amy Miller]

I hope you're thinking about me coming during all Chiefs games.

[Caleb Heron]

Oh, I am. In many ways my sports fandom is not like the normal male sports fandom. It's very female orgasm centric trick.

[Amy Miller]

Thank you.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah, I'm happy to do it. Means nothing.

[Amy Miller]

Have you ever given a woman an orgasm?

[Caleb Heron]

Oh, God. It would Be hard to tell if they were faking or not because I didn't like what was I was doing. Yeah, I didn't like sex with women. It was. I was like, yeah, I've given somebody with a vagina and orgasm for sure. Okay, trans guy.

[Amy Miller]

I love that.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah, he loved what I was doing. But you know, sex with vaginas in general I find very uncouth.

[Amy Miller]

Old timey, if you will.

[Caleb Heron]

Well, sex with vaginas for me does feel very of an old from the past. Yeah, it feels like blacksmithing.

[Amy Miller]

It's silly. It's silly that we do it at all.

[Caleb Heron]

You ever been to silverdar City? Finn Branson?

[Amy Miller]

Oh, yes.

[Caleb Heron]

How they're all dressed like that and they're like blowing glass and shit. That's what it felt like to me when I was pussy. I was like, this is from an era, a bygone era.

[Amy Miller]

Oh, that's a blowjob. Blow glass, blow job.

[Caleb Heron]

Blow glass, blow job. Yeah, I don't like pussy.

[Amy Miller]

Like just a really out of date, great skill.

[Caleb Heron]

You like?

[Amy Miller]

Yeah, I do.

[Caleb Heron]

Nice.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah. Yeah, that's nice.

[Caleb Heron]

That's nice.

[Amy Miller]

I don't know that I'm particularly great at it.

[Caleb Heron]

How not?

[Amy Miller]

But I just.

[Caleb Heron]

Pretty simple stuff. You just root around in there.

[Amy Miller]

I mean, I'm just like, yeah, okay. You weren't good at it.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

They weren't coming.

[Caleb Heron]

You don't know.

[Amy Miller]

At church camp.

[Caleb Heron]

At church camp? No, never at church camp.

[Amy Miller]

I didn't do anything sexual at church camp either. Because that's so sinful.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah, it's bad.

[Amy Miller]

I would hold hands at the campfire, Max.

[Caleb Heron]

You think heaven or hell? One of those real, perfect.

[Amy Miller]

I think fake. But sometimes I wish for a hell for certain people.

[Caleb Heron]

Really?

[Amy Miller]

I also wish for heaven for certain people.

[Caleb Heron]

That's really beautiful.

[Amy Miller]

Like, I have to believe. And there's a possibility of heaven because sometimes like, I don't know, just like encounter someone with like the saddest fucking story in the world that still believes in God and like, is a wonderful person and is just like, I, I don't know, you know this like sad stories of people who are tragically murdered and like in their last moments they like pray or I'm like, you deserve a heaven. Yeah, Yeah. I hope it exists for you.

[Caleb Heron]

You guys, there are some things in life that are just going to be a crapshoot. Like trying a new type of milk and your coffee or a cheap Instagram ad impulse buy or trying a new takeout spot, for crying out loud. But finding the right doctor should not be A total crapshoot. And with Zocdoc, it's not a crapshoot at all because they give you a ton of different options for whatever you might need. Zocdoc, what can I tell you? It's a free app and it's a website where you can search and compare high quality in network doctors. Choose the right one for your needs and click to instantly book an appointment. We're talking about in network appointments with more than 100,000 healthcare providers across every every single specialty for mental health to dental health, eye care to skin care, and so much more to be honest with you. Plus, Zocdoc appointments happen fast, typically within just 24 to 72 hours of booking. You can even score same day appointments. If I was ever looking for a new primary care doctor or dentist, look, I'd be using Zocdoc. So stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to Zocdoc.com so true. To find and instantly book a top rated doctor today, that's docdoc.com SOTrue Zocdoc.com.

[Amy Miller]

SOTrue this message comes from Greenlight. Ready to start talking to your kids about financial literacy? Meet Greenlight, the debit card and money app that teaches kids and teens how to earn, save, spend wisely and invest. With your guardrails in place with Greenlight, you can send money to kids instantly, set up chores, automate allowance, and keep an eye on your kids spending with real time notifications. Join millions of parents and kids building healthy financial habits together on Greenlight. Sign up for greenlight [e-mail] wondery that's greenlight.com wondery I don't deserve it.

[Caleb Heron]

I think I've been to heaven.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah, that's right.

[Caleb Heron]

It's what's going on right here.

[Amy Miller]

Silver Dollar City.

[Caleb Heron]

Podcasting with your friend Amy. Feels a lot like heaven to me.

[Amy Miller]

Celestial.

[Caleb Heron]

Celestial.

[Amy Miller]

Do you feel that moon? Just.

[Caleb Heron]

I can.

[Amy Miller]

Swelling.

[Caleb Heron]

Well, according to you, I can feel that you're dropping eggs. That's you. You've claimed that you have a presence about you during this time.

[Amy Miller]

I'm in my luteal phase.

[Caleb Heron]

What is that?

[Amy Miller]

It's in between ovulation and menstruation.

[Caleb Heron]

What happens there?

[Amy Miller]

You're just like, just like horny but tired.

[Caleb Heron]

Oh, I'm in that.

[Amy Miller]

He's in his luteal phase.

[Caleb Heron]

Oh, I've been in that for like.

[Amy Miller]

15 or 16 years and it's your body's kind of last ditch effort to get this thing fertilized.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

So you're still appealing, you know, but like, in a more like a lower tier of person is now noticing straight up animals.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

You know, dogs are sniffing.

[Caleb Heron]

Well, Amy, I'm turning 30 soon.

[Amy Miller]

I can't believe that.

[Caleb Heron]

Any advice?

[Amy Miller]

I feel like you were a teen when we met.

[Caleb Heron]

I wasn't.

[Amy Miller]

Well, you were in your mid-20s and.

[Caleb Heron]

That'S very young when we met. I would have been. I can tell you exactly how old I was.

[Amy Miller]

26.

[Caleb Heron]

I would have been 25.

[Amy Miller]

Okay. I think just like the lore of you is more interesting when you're 19 to me. So impressive what you're doing.

[Caleb Heron]

What you effectively just said out loud to me is I like the idea of you better than the reality. That's what you said to me just now on my show that I invited you on.

[Amy Miller]

You're so. It's so amazing, like, what you've accomplished already that it's like turning into true fairy tale mode. That's where I'm like, what is this kid, like, 13? I just keep getting younger in my age.

[Caleb Heron]

Like a full grown adult who should have it together, probably.

[Amy Miller]

You do.

[Caleb Heron]

I think I do.

[Amy Miller]

Are you excited to turn 30?

[Caleb Heron]

I'm very excited. I'm just looking forward to it, you know? Well, so one thing that's been on my mind about 30s is maybe I'll start doing a. I think I said this before on here. I maybe start doing. No, I'm not a fucking freak. Pickleball people. Prison for them. Sorry. There's a couple of them in here. And y'all. Y'all need reform. I just don't.

[Amy Miller]

It's like, need other ways to make.

[Caleb Heron]

Friends, play tennis or fucking stay home. Like, what is the. What is going on? What's with the in between?

[Amy Miller]

No one wants to cosplay PE?

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah. I don't.

[Amy Miller]

Hated it.

[Caleb Heron]

But my 30s, I'm thinking maybe tailored slacks with cowboy boots.

[Amy Miller]

Oh, I love that.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

Big buckle.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah. Oh, oh, yeah.

[Amy Miller]

Okay.

[Caleb Heron]

Oh, yeah. Some camp shirts.

[Amy Miller]

That's gonna be hot.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

And then maybe like three buttons down on the shirt.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

What's your chest hair situation? Are you more of a Jacob or an Esau? It's for the Bible.

[Caleb Heron]

There's not much. Do you see?

[Amy Miller]

Oh, that's good, though.

[Caleb Heron]

But I think it could grow in.

[Amy Miller]

No, that's plenty for like a big chain. Yes. And the nipple hair. Okay. I love this.

[Caleb Heron]

Well, I had surgery on one of these nipples.

[Amy Miller]

Okay.

[Caleb Heron]

I don't remember which one.

[Amy Miller]

Well, it's flawless.

[Caleb Heron]

But what do you think?

[Amy Miller]

I think it's perfect.

[Caleb Heron]

My Body.

[Amy Miller]

Gorgeous. I'm soaked.

[Caleb Heron]

Nice.

[Amy Miller]

I think I just got fertilized.

[Caleb Heron]

Nice.

[Amy Miller]

Oh, yeah. Instantly.

[Caleb Heron]

This was so much fun, huh?

[Amy Miller]

Was it?

[Caleb Heron]

This was a good time. I've had a blast.

[Amy Miller]

I've had so much fun.

[Caleb Heron]

I just think the world of you.

[Amy Miller]

Miss you.

[Caleb Heron]

I miss you. I wish you would talk to me every once in a while.

[Amy Miller]

We can talk off podcasts.

[Caleb Heron]

We're not good at it.

[Amy Miller]

Yes, we are.

[Caleb Heron]

We're not good at it. We're in different places all the time.

[Amy Miller]

You're always doing stuff agoraphobe. Yeah, and. But I'm. I'm getting better at not making plan. At like, not flaking.

[Caleb Heron]

Here's what you like to do.

[Amy Miller]

Make plans and don't go.

[Caleb Heron]

You love that. That's one of your biggest things.

[Amy Miller]

Passion.

[Caleb Heron]

And then you love to go. You love to leave town for three days to do stand up in a city I am not in. You love doing. And then you love to take like a four or five hour walk by yourself.

[Amy Miller]

I do that a lot. Yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

So these are the. I fit into none of that.

[Amy Miller]

You can get in on the walk.

[Caleb Heron]

You think?

[Amy Miller]

I also love beach days. You're not a beach person. Which, with this body, I don't know what is the issue?

[Caleb Heron]

Don't like the beach. It's not the bodies.

[Amy Miller]

Throw it off.

[Caleb Heron]

It's the experience.

[Amy Miller]

The sand.

[Caleb Heron]

The experience of the beach is bad.

[Amy Miller]

It's so nice.

[Caleb Heron]

It's hot. Everyone else is allowed to be there. I hate that everyone else is allowed to be there.

[Amy Miller]

I know some good chill spots and I bring good snacks and I want a private beach. Okay, don't bring your one one day.

[Caleb Heron]

No, I don't think so. But I just want.

[Amy Miller]

Why don't we go to Mexico?

[Caleb Heron]

Ben, you want to go together? Yeah, I'm going to Mexico next week.

[Amy Miller]

Where?

[Caleb Heron]

Cancun.

[Amy Miller]

Okay. With who?

[Caleb Heron]

A couple of my friends.

[Amy Miller]

Okay. I just hadn't heard about this until just now. I'm. Where are you staying?

[Caleb Heron]

Where? There's a new Nobu resort.

[Amy Miller]

What flight are you on?

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah, what flight are you? Tell me. Your dlc.

[Amy Miller]

I'm staying at the Nobu resort.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

Okay.

[Caleb Heron]

I'm not paying for it. Don't worry about it. Don't think I'm paying for it.

[Amy Miller]

Who's paying for it?

[Caleb Heron]

Some company. I don't ask questions.

[Amy Miller]

Sponsored content.

[Caleb Heron]

So I'm not doing any sponsored content. I'm just showing up to the trip.

[Amy Miller]

Okay.

[Caleb Heron]

With two of my favorite people in the whole world.

[Amy Miller]

All right, well, that's nice.

[Caleb Heron]

And I would love to see you guys there. I am flying from la.

[Amy Miller]

Okay. Delta. Always.

[Caleb Heron]

Always. You're a Delta girl.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah, I am. Sometimes Southwest.

[Caleb Heron]

The real. Oof. Sorry, that's in the chill of my spine.

[Amy Miller]

Can't avoid Southwest.

[Caleb Heron]

No, it's unavoidable sometimes. I always have a credit card.

[Amy Miller]

Colorado Springs. Caleb. I'm sorry.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah, no, it's ride to go. Like Raleigh to Milwaukee once. And the only direct airline was Southwest. And I was like, we're Southwest today.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah, it's fine.

[Caleb Heron]

Direct. I'll always do over a stop. I'll leave Delta to not have a stop. Stop.

[Amy Miller]

You know, it's those experiences that I. I hate having a stop. Yeah. I'll leave Delta to not have a stop. Makes you so much more grateful for a Delta first class experience.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

If your last flight was on Southwest.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

Let's. Let's talk more about travel.

[Caleb Heron]

Let's. Go ahead.

[Amy Miller]

That's my comedy wheelhouse.

[Caleb Heron]

Go ahead. What do you want to talk about?

[Amy Miller]

All my favorite jokes of yours are airplane related.

[Caleb Heron]

Really? You could not think of a single joke of mine that you like?

[Amy Miller]

I'm really bad at remembering stuff on the spot.

[Caleb Heron]

No, it's just I wanted to point out that I thought that was a little crazy.

[Amy Miller]

I love your comedy.

[Caleb Heron]

Nice.

[Amy Miller]

I watch it on the Internet.

[Caleb Heron]

Nice.

[Amy Miller]

I watch it. I've seen it in person several times.

[Caleb Heron]

Really?

[Amy Miller]

Yeah. In Chicago, Louisiana.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

And maybe New York.

[Caleb Heron]

Have you seen it in New York?

[Amy Miller]

I don't know. I feel like I have.

[Caleb Heron]

What's your.

[Amy Miller]

I've tried.

[Caleb Heron]

What's your death, Romeo?

[Amy Miller]

Probably like my mom's enchiladas.

[Caleb Heron]

Okay, nice. Is that it?

[Amy Miller]

With, like.

[Caleb Heron]

Usually people kind of go all out, but I.

[Amy Miller]

Green sauce enchiladas with chicken.

[Caleb Heron]

Nice.

[Amy Miller]

It would definitely be something someone in my family made because, you know, it's what. It's a wild card otherwise.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

What if your death row meal is just ordered from the. The bad spot? You know, I don't want to say pepperoni pizza and then they bring in fucking Little Caesars. Although those pizza. Those pizza pockets. Have you had them?

[Caleb Heron]

No.

[Amy Miller]

Pepperoni, crazy puffs.

[Caleb Heron]

Are they good?

[Amy Miller]

I'm. I want to get sponsored. Yeah, it's just a little.

[Caleb Heron]

Can someone. Can someone order some of those here right now? That'd be awesome.

[Amy Miller]

So good.

[Caleb Heron]

We'll try to get some in here.

[Amy Miller]

Pepperoni, crazy puffs. It's just like a little tiny hand pie.

[Caleb Heron]

I want to know about it.

[Amy Miller]

But their big pizzas discounted. Disgusting.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

Right. So that's. I just feel like if My mom's cooking my death row meal. Surely before she watches me get executed.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah, you're gonna make her think of.

[Amy Miller]

The love that's going in those enchiladas.

[Caleb Heron]

I bet she's putting her foot in those your daughter's dying enchiladas. Yeah. Sorry. You're cranking it up in the kitchen.

[Amy Miller]

Maybe. Like, she does this really good blueberry cake with cream cheese frosting.

[Caleb Heron]

Damn. You have like a real moment.

[Amy Miller]

Oh, yeah. You have a real mom.

[Caleb Heron]

Oh, I do. I do too. But yeah, you have like a mommy mom. Like, my mom doesn't have a special cake kind of mom.

[Amy Miller]

Okay. My mom's awesome, but it's late in life.

[Caleb Heron]

Oh, she became a cake person.

[Amy Miller]

Well, she's always been a great cook, but she just, like, wasn't around when I was a kid.

[Caleb Heron]

Do you like that's.

[Amy Miller]

She was partying. I know, it's really sad. Yeah. My dad died and then she used his pension to buy a red Mazda Miata. And two seats, four kids all fat. By the way, no space in a Miata to go grocery shopping. She was just really living it up. So now she has to bake. We. I still know the number to a bar. It's called Dick's in San Leandro, California.

[Caleb Heron]

Where she would be.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

Oh, I had to call my mom.

[Amy Miller]

575639. Hello?

[Caleb Heron]

Hello, is our mom there?

[Amy Miller]

Can you tell her to bring fries home?

[Caleb Heron]

She hopping the Miata. Can she get behind the wheel of the Miata and come home, please? I had to call my mom at bars.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah. That's some pretty classic Midwestern shit.

[Amy Miller]

Oh, for sure. But as a bartender. How cute is that? Hello?

[Caleb Heron]

Hi, is my mom there?

[Amy Miller]

6 year old on the phone.

[Caleb Heron]

I'd probably be pretty sad about it as a bartender if there were six year olds calling and being like, please send my mom home.

[Amy Miller]

I think we just wanted her to bring snacks. We didn't. We were fine with her not being home.

[Caleb Heron]

You just wanted the fries.

[Amy Miller]

That's the thing about drunk parents. Better when they're there or gone. Depends.

[Caleb Heron]

Who's to say. Depends on if they've had a drink or not.

[Amy Miller]

It's a roller coaster for me.

[Caleb Heron]

It was chicken wings. I was like, if my mom comes home from this bar without chicken wings, there's going to be hell to pay.

[Amy Miller]

We got a lot of ribs. God damn that rock with those silver tops. It was like all sweaty inside. Yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

Fuck yeah. That's awesome.

[Amy Miller]

The circular bar ribs. I know.

[Caleb Heron]

Sweet.

[Amy Miller]

So good. Let's go and just like, creeps would use the claw machine and like get us little stuffed animals and stuff to try to get into my mom's. Like, here's a pink elephant.

[Caleb Heron]

Sorry. Just so I'm clear, your claim is that creeps at the bar who wanted to. And I'll just use your words, get in your mom's.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

Would win you toys at the claw game to send them home with her. And then how often were they. Was your mom sleeping with these folks?

[Amy Miller]

Oh, yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

Queen, Queen.

[Amy Miller]

Of course. They want enough stuffed animals for her fat little kids. Of course.

[Caleb Heron]

But of course. Oh, my God, I love that. Do you have any of the stuffed animals, though?

[Amy Miller]

Would be cool. No, no, no. It's like the. The story of my dad dying. It's really. It's really sad. But my mom was like. Like no one could find her. She was out with a suitor. They were married.

[Caleb Heron]

She was cheating on him.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

Was he cheating on her too?

[Amy Miller]

Was a random guy.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah. Well, there was the whole joke that you were the milkman's kid.

[Amy Miller]

You've heard a lot of my material.

[Caleb Heron]

And then you. You actually were someone else's kid. But you worked in marketing, not mil man.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah, he worked in marketing.

[Caleb Heron]

Nice.

[Amy Miller]

Until he died.

[Caleb Heron]

He's dead now?

[Amy Miller]

Yeah, he died when I was 19. I never met him.

[Caleb Heron]

Damn, that's horrible.

[Amy Miller]

But isn't it crazy that I used to work in marketing?

[Caleb Heron]

That is crazy. Wow. It's in your blood.

[Amy Miller]

When you're good, you're good. I can't use it for my own shows or career, but I'm great second generation marketer for a tech company. Yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

What were you doing in tech?

[Amy Miller]

Marketing.

[Caleb Heron]

You were doing marketing? Yes. At tech.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah. You were marketing startups in San Francisco.

[Caleb Heron]

Damn.

[Amy Miller]

The whole thing with like the. With like the foosball tables and the. And the cold brew on tap. Were you making a lot of money sexually harassing CEOs? Like classic stuff.

[Caleb Heron]

Was he cute or did he ever.

[Amy Miller]

Hear, oh, no, they're all disgusting?

[Caleb Heron]

He wasn't. Did he harass you or were you. Did you ever hear, oh, yeah. Okay.

[Amy Miller]

Oh, no. And getting harassed was just part of the deal. Peak Tech San Francisco, you're getting grabbed. Yeah. You gotta ask for more stock options. I'm serious.

[Caleb Heron]

Peak tech in San Francisco, you're getting grabbed.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah. But you can drink beer at the office.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah. Well, to trade off. That's beautiful. I hate that you went through that honestly, but did you get some stock options out of it?

[Amy Miller]

I did, yeah. Yes. I made a little bit of money.

[Caleb Heron]

Okay. Good to know.

[Amy Miller]

I gave my mom a lot of it.

[Caleb Heron]

Why?

[Amy Miller]

That's a great question.

[Caleb Heron]

She already had the Miata.

[Amy Miller]

You're. You're generous with your mom.

[Caleb Heron]

I am.

[Amy Miller]

You gotta always break something off for Mom.

[Caleb Heron]

You gotta break off a little piece for Mama.

[Amy Miller]

For what?

[Caleb Heron]

Send a little home to Mama.

[Amy Miller]

They didn't do that much.

[Caleb Heron]

I think it's best that you don't have kids. I like.

[Amy Miller]

I love kids, though. I'm so good with kids.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

But I just. And they love me as well, but I don't. Yeah. I'm not doing it. You know why? Because I spent too much time with kids. That's where people fuck up.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

You can't spend time around to try kids out before having them.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah. And then, you know too much.

[Amy Miller]

I know way too much.

[Caleb Heron]

Amy, I have a question for you.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

What do you want out of. Out of all of this?

[Amy Miller]

I just want peace and happiness.

[Caleb Heron]

Globally or for you?

[Amy Miller]

Yeah, well, me mostly, of course. Globally. Yeah. I just want to chill out, do fun stuff. Go to amusement parks, eat good food.

[Caleb Heron]

You're going to the amusement parks? Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah. I'm gonna get a Universal season pass tomorrow.

[Caleb Heron]

Really? Oh, beautiful.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah, Solomon says it pays for itself in two visits.

[Caleb Heron]

Solomon Giorgio?

[Amy Miller]

Yeah. Our dear friend, but he's rich, so I don't know. I'm gonna kick off 2025 with, like, no money or plans, but several season passes, and then who's gonna be on top in 2025? That's called a millennial savings account.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

You don't stash the money in investments, you park them in fun investments.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah, you park.

[Amy Miller]

Load up that Dave and Buster's card.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah. You know, I don't know if that's great advice.

[Amy Miller]

Property, you're saying?

[Caleb Heron]

I'm saying property.

[Amy Miller]

I can't.

[Caleb Heron]

A savings account, maybe. High yield.

[Amy Miller]

I can always sell the season pass if things get tough next year.

[Caleb Heron]

Can you?

[Amy Miller]

Yeah. And this, since I'm getting it, Halloween season, it'll include, like, Christmas stuff, Fourth of July. Have you ever seen the decorations at Universal Studios Hollywood?

[Caleb Heron]

I can't say I have.

[Amy Miller]

During the holiday season.

[Caleb Heron]

I can't say that I have.

[Amy Miller]

It's gorgeous.

[Caleb Heron]

Worth it.

[Amy Miller]

Yes.

[Caleb Heron]

What's a season pass run like?

[Amy Miller]

180.

[Caleb Heron]

That's not bad at all.

[Amy Miller]

That's what I'm saying.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah. It might pay for itself on one.

[Amy Miller]

Trip to get into the park.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah. Do you get guest passes with it?

[Amy Miller]

Yeah. Damn discounted guests. We'll go.

[Caleb Heron]

I'm not gonna come, but I want you to have a Lot of fun over there.

[Amy Miller]

You haven't seen Super Mario World?

[Caleb Heron]

It's just not the kind of stuff I do. Oh, I just got asked to go to the Ren Faire.

[Amy Miller]

Maybe this is why we never hang out.

[Caleb Heron]

Never been so insulted. Ever. Got asked to go to the Ren Faire.

[Amy Miller]

We liked it. Look at these gorgeous trees.

[Caleb Heron]

That is beautiful. That is beautiful.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah. And you're going to be calling me up.

[Caleb Heron]

I don't think I will. I don't think I will. I don't want to go there because there's a lot of, like, disgruntled families. No.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah. Well, you gotta go at night. They serve. And they serve beer there.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah. There's Minions. That's kind of fun.

[Amy Miller]

I love a minion.

[Caleb Heron]

You do? You really do.

[Amy Miller]

I never saw any of those movies till, like, last year. I was laughing.

[Caleb Heron]

You liked it.

[Amy Miller]

Oh, yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

Well, they're just funny little guys.

[Amy Miller]

They're really funny little guys. And they're just. Yeah. Dancing and singing, you know? I love fat kids. There's nothing cuter. That's what a minion is to me. Your overalls are really tight and you talk weird.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

That's so cute.

[Caleb Heron]

You're a fat kid.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah. I. I'm. I don't know if I'm happy that my sisters and I didn't really have YouTube or really bummed because what would be cuter than having filmed the things we were doing?

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

Coordinated dances to a Mariah Carey song. You know what I mean? I want to see that footage. When I see a little fat kid at an amusement park where I am often and. Or the beach, I'm like, buddy, if you're getting bullied, it's because everybody knows you're the most charming motherfucker out here. And adults are giving you what you want because you're so cute. And that's why other kids are mean. If you're currently being bullied and you're fat and in elementary school, it's because you're the cutest kid there.

[Caleb Heron]

Is there anything else you want to say to kids getting bullied? They might be watching.

[Amy Miller]

Fight back. And if you can't physically fight back, just steal from them.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

Steal from the bullies.

[Caleb Heron]

Your advice to these fat little bullied kids is to fight back and steal.

[Amy Miller]

What else?

[Caleb Heron]

That's beautiful.

[Amy Miller]

And accept the. The candy and gifts from adults because they want to give them to you because you're so fucking cute.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah. Huh. Okay.

[Amy Miller]

I actually wasn't really a fat kid.

[Caleb Heron]

Really?

[Amy Miller]

But I wanted stolen valor. Yeah. I was fat My sisters did it. And then I was, like, kind of chubby, but not really like.

[Caleb Heron]

Your sisters did it as in, they were fat. I think I might have some fat little kid pictures of my phone. They did it so much.

[Amy Miller]

They were so cute.

[Caleb Heron]

I was a fat little kid.

[Amy Miller]

I worship them.

[Caleb Heron]

Look at this guy.

[Amy Miller]

I mean, that's. What's cuter than that, that I'm giving that kid cash, candy and gifts.

[Caleb Heron]

People liked him. People did like him. I mean, would you hang out with him?

[Amy Miller]

Yeah, of course. I just want to cry seeing it.

[Caleb Heron]

Look at him. That, and you said I'm not pure. You don't think he's pure of heart?

[Amy Miller]

No, I do think he was.

[Caleb Heron]

What? Something changed along the way. Amy, I have a segment for you. Don't read these. Don't look at these. Don't look at these. Don't cheat. Okay. I'm gonna read you 15 statements. Tell me as quickly as you can if you think they're true or false.

[Amy Miller]

Okay.

[Caleb Heron]

Speed is of the essence.

[Amy Miller]

Okay.

[Caleb Heron]

If you get 10 or more correct, we're gonna give you 50 US dollars.

[Amy Miller]

Who decides what's correct?

[Caleb Heron]

The answer. Don't piss me off.

[Amy Miller]

Are these facts or feelings?

[Caleb Heron]

Facts. They're not feelings. Okay. Chauncey Billups is the current head coach of the Portland Trailblazers.

[Amy Miller]

Correct.

[Caleb Heron]

True. The movie the Iron Giant came out in 1999.

[Amy Miller]

True.

[Caleb Heron]

True. There are no reptiles in Sweden.

[Amy Miller]

False.

[Caleb Heron]

False. Oakland is the third most populous city in Alameda County.

[Amy Miller]

False.

[Caleb Heron]

False. It's the most populous. Neil Armstrong drank Pepsi on the surface of the moon.

[Amy Miller]

Yes.

[Caleb Heron]

False. Lance Armstrong's nickname is Big Tex. True. Only four US Presidents have visited Antarctica.

[Amy Miller]

True.

[Caleb Heron]

False. None of them have squirrels. Mate for life.

[Amy Miller]

False.

[Caleb Heron]

False. A female picks a new mate each year. Burger King is older than Wendy's.

[Amy Miller]

True.

[Caleb Heron]

True. Earth is gradually rotating slower each year.

[Amy Miller]

True.

[Caleb Heron]

True. Box mucking is the national sport of New Zealand.

[Amy Miller]

True.

[Caleb Heron]

False. Rugby, last comic standing, ran for nine seasons.

[Amy Miller]

True.

[Caleb Heron]

True. There are over 1,000 bridges that cross the Amazon River.

[Amy Miller]

False.

[Caleb Heron]

False. No bridges cross it. Aretha Franklin was the first woman inducted into the Rock and Roll hall of Fame.

[Amy Miller]

False.

[Caleb Heron]

True. Anteaters are extinct.

[Amy Miller]

False.

[Caleb Heron]

False. How'd she do? Wow. You did it. Wow.

[Amy Miller]

I'm so smart.

[Caleb Heron]

You did it. You really are so smart.

[Amy Miller]

Thank you.

[Caleb Heron]

You really, really are.

[Amy Miller]

Thanks.

[Caleb Heron]

That's beautiful. Well, you know, we ask a lot of people. We ask everyone on this show. It's the title of the show, so True with Caleb Heron.

[Amy Miller]

Okay.

[Caleb Heron]

What is so true to you, Amy.

[Amy Miller]

Miller, that you are actually Pure of heart.

[Caleb Heron]

You didn't prep this answer, did you? You?

[Amy Miller]

No. No one told me.

[Caleb Heron]

You're winging it.

[Amy Miller]

No one told me to prep anything. Which I loved about it.

[Caleb Heron]

Time out. Time out.

[Amy Miller]

That's not a good one.

[Caleb Heron]

That's a really beautiful one. That's a really beautiful one. Do I do want to know what you think of me?

[Amy Miller]

Are we timing out? Are we still going?

[Caleb Heron]

No, we're never timed out.

[Amy Miller]

Are we recording?

[Caleb Heron]

We're always recording.

[Amy Miller]

I just. I'm so proud of you.

[Caleb Heron]

No, I am. You wouldn't possibly be earnest right now.

[Amy Miller]

I am.

[Caleb Heron]

I'm proud of you.

[Amy Miller]

I'm usually earnest.

[Caleb Heron]

Not in my experience.

[Amy Miller]

Oh, what am I, sarcastic? That's the worst person.

[Caleb Heron]

No, I think.

[Amy Miller]

Oh, okay. This is so true to me. Sarcasm, not cute.

[Caleb Heron]

Whoa.

[Amy Miller]

Nobody wants to be around it.

[Caleb Heron]

Oh, I like that. Say more.

[Amy Miller]

I don't know if I'm maybe on the spectrum undiagnosed, but I hate it because I just assume people are telling the truth at all times. And I am mostly earnest and sincere, but people don't always know.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah, I love that. You're like, I might be on the spectrum. And then you're like, what's so true to me is bright lights have gotta go. No more being loud in public. And also, I can't read facial expressions. Stop counting on me to do it.

[Amy Miller]

Better not chew around me.

[Caleb Heron]

What's so true to me is that I really love model trains.

[Amy Miller]

Okay, Sarcasm is a wall. It's a boundary. It's communicating that you don't want to get close to anybody and you want to trick people.

[Caleb Heron]

Trick.

[Amy Miller]

I don't. I never expect, like, it's so exhausting when someone just like, oh, I'm so sure, or whatever. Like, I don't.

[Caleb Heron]

What was that? Your sarcasm to you.

[Amy Miller]

As if you know that kind of person.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah, you're kind of doing me.

[Amy Miller]

No, no. You're sincere. You're earnest.

[Caleb Heron]

I am.

[Amy Miller]

You're the earnestness. Earnest, earnest, earnest.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

No sarcasm for you, huh?

[Amy Miller]

It's a real panty dryer.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah. And we like when the pennies are wet.

[Amy Miller]

I just believe what people are telling me. And so, I don't know. I'm just gullible. And I feel like when people are doing sarcastic stuff or trickery, like. Like trickery with low stakes.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

I hate nothing more.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

Like, I just had just met a comic, and, like, I was in out of town, and I don't know, I just, like, showed up to the club and this. This kid was just like, Shows canceled. And I was like, oh, no. And he's like, just kidding. And I'm like, fun. Why?

[Caleb Heron]

Oh, if that had happened, I wouldn't have been able to pay my rent this month, so.

[Amy Miller]

But it's not funny or interesting or helping us get to know each other. I just never want to talk to you again.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah. How'd the rest of the night go?

[Amy Miller]

Just kidding.

[Caleb Heron]

Did you guys make friends?

[Amy Miller]

Yeah, it was fine. You know what I mean, though?

[Caleb Heron]

Shows cancel. I absolutely know what you mean.

[Amy Miller]

If you want to stay alone, be sarcastic.

[Caleb Heron]

No small stakes trickery around you.

[Amy Miller]

Is that a good. So true.

[Caleb Heron]

If you want to stay alone, be sarcastic. I like that.

[Amy Miller]

Okay. Are you being. I love that. That's so good.

[Caleb Heron]

Nice one.

[Amy Miller]

Really? Seems like you prepared for this question.

[Caleb Heron]

Who are you voting for?

[Amy Miller]

Kamala Harris.

[Caleb Heron]

Really?

[Amy Miller]

Yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

Tim Walls, comma Harris and JD Vance.

[Amy Miller]

She's from Oakland. You know, I have to.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah. No choice.

[Amy Miller]

That's the only reason.

[Caleb Heron]

That's the only thing. I love that. That's beautiful.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah. Tim's from Nebraska. It's like, you know, it's like me and my dude, kind of. Except they're not fucking, as far as we know.

[Caleb Heron]

Know who's not?

[Amy Miller]

Harrison Walls, Are they? I don't think they are.

[Caleb Heron]

He's for type, definitely.

[Amy Miller]

You think so?

[Caleb Heron]

I think if anything is happening, it's he. So if anything's happening, Tim and Doug are. And. And K is watching if anything's happening, but I doubt anything's happening. Hot Wendy might be. Is. What's her name? Wendy Gwyn. What's his wife's name? Gwendy.

[Amy Miller]

Gwen. Gwendolyn. Gwendy.

[Caleb Heron]

Gwendolyn. Gwendy.

[Amy Miller]

Gwendolyn Gwen Walsh.

[Caleb Heron]

She wouldn't watch. She would condemn. She would condemn it.

[Amy Miller]

This is a fun. See, this is a fun, like, hypothetical, jokey situation we're talking about. Maybe if Harris and Walls were. That's fun. If you were like, I read an article today that Harris and Waltz are. I would never talk to you again.

[Caleb Heron]

I want you to look into that spectrum stuff. I want you to look into that spectrum stuff because you just said. Okay, you and I are joking about a topic, and that's quite enjoyable. That was one of the most Spectrum things I've ever heard. We are friends, sharing laughs. Yeah, that was pretty spectrum y. I like that.

[Amy Miller]

Thanks. My little cousin explained the amusement park stuff.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah. But also explain that my little cousin's on the spectrum and he's a lot of fun. He's like. Takes things pretty literally.

[Amy Miller]

Oh, yeah. Same with my niece. She's hilarious, though.

[Caleb Heron]

He's spoken. He's taken really to, like. So I have an on the spectrum little cousin. And I have a gay little cousin. And gay little cousin's an icon. We love him. But spectrum on the cousin. Spectrum on the cousin. On the spectrum cousin, he's gotten really into percentages, and so he'll tell people, like, he'll be like, sorry, I'm 50% paying attention to you and 50% thinking about something else I want to do. And he'll say that out loud to you. It's fucking awesome.

[Amy Miller]

It's fucking awesome. I love that. The honesty. Yeah. It's gotten us into some fun situations. My. My niece was asking me, like, why I broke up with my last boyfriend, whom she knew, obviously. And I was like, oh, you know, sometimes you just have to, like, move on if things are more negative than positive or more, like, conflict than peace or whatever. And. And she was like, yeah, you don't want to end up like my mom. Moms hating each other every day. And I was like, okay.

[Caleb Heron]

No way. Moms.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah, yeah. Two moms. She was. Her dad's in Kansas City. Her sperm dad and his partner husband.

[Caleb Heron]

Two moms.

[Amy Miller]

Two moms, two dads. Huh.

[Caleb Heron]

Interesting.

[Amy Miller]

And she really.

[Caleb Heron]

Sorry. Is that sick to anyone else?

[Amy Miller]

Yeah, her dad's family.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

Who excommunicated him sick.

[Caleb Heron]

That's awesome.

[Amy Miller]

For giving a baby to lesbians.

[Caleb Heron]

Nice. That's fucking awesome.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

But he's allowed to be a gay guy.

[Amy Miller]

No, they don't like that either.

[Caleb Heron]

It's like, he's allowed to be gay guy, but he can't help lesbians have baby. That's crazy.

[Amy Miller]

No, no. And now she's, you know, autistic, so they're like, see the baby? See what happens when you don't have a child under God?

[Caleb Heron]

They think autistic baby is because they weren't. Okay, got it.

[Amy Miller]

It's not outside of the realm of possibility.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah. I'm just glad they didn't like him being gay either. I want it to be consistent. Homophobic.

[Amy Miller]

Oh, they hate it.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

They hate when anyone does it. You the most.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah, they wouldn't like me. I'm doing it all the time. I'm being gay, like, most of the time.

[Amy Miller]

It's so, like. I don't know. It's just so silly. It's so funny. I mean, I grew up, obviously, around those Christians. Yeah. I never bought into that part, not liking gay people.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah, well, that's because you're a little gay.

[Amy Miller]

I know. Well. And I Did choir, like, who am I going to be friends with?

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah, we need to like gay people. It's the only people we have to talk to. No, I think it's really. I really do think homophobia is so funny because it's just like silly gay people are the most like delightful, creative, wonderful people. And you're mad at them.

[Amy Miller]

Not all of them.

[Caleb Heron]

No, all of them, Amy. All of them. No. But as a community, overall, most gay people are. I just. It's like, oh, that's fun.

[Amy Miller]

Fun. Yeah, I know. It's really silly.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

Because for what?

[Caleb Heron]

Big hand movements, where stuff's going in holes, Their little voices.

[Amy Miller]

It's silly to put anything in any hole. Like we're all just animals.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

Old timey.

[Caleb Heron]

Old timey even.

[Amy Miller]

Do you think the dick sucking robots are gonna come soon?

[Caleb Heron]

I don't want them.

[Amy Miller]

You're not gonna use one?

[Caleb Heron]

No. Because if you program something to suck your dick, that removes the whole purpose. It's like, like I don't. I can't do sex workers. All my love to them. I hope that they're well. But it's like if you're paid to be here, the fun of getting my dick sucked is that you want to be sucking my dick.

[Amy Miller]

Whoa.

[Caleb Heron]

Or that I want to be sucking your dick. Or that we want to be sucking each other's dicks. It's like if you're paid to be here or if you're programmed to be here, well, that's not fun. It's like there's a consent piece of it that I have questions about but could, you know, can come around on like, sex workers. It's like there is consent there, but it does still feel to me like, I don't know, I don't. Like there's the enthusiastic consent to, like, only being here because we both want to make each other come. That's the fun part. To me.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah. Yeah, to you.

[Caleb Heron]

To me. You disagree? You want the robots.

[Amy Miller]

I don't know that. I don't know that I would engage with a robot. I just need help. I need help.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

I need help with the day.

[Caleb Heron]

I love that the through line of this episode is you being like someone else has got us like, my boyfriend's dick. I can't keep doing it.

[Amy Miller]

DM me.

[Caleb Heron]

Well, also, I think people think, oh, dick sucking robots might fix incels, but it won't. Because incels problem is not that their dick isn't being sucked. Their problem is that they hate women. They're disrespected because they're losers.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

Like they don't actually just need their dick physically sucked. They need something spiritually different to happen with them. They're such losers.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah, they're sarcastic.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah, they're sarcastic. It's. Yeah, it's something else going on there.

[Amy Miller]

There's walls up.

[Caleb Heron]

I hope we get. There's 10 walls up I hope that we get dick sucking robots just so that you can have some peace in the home.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah. Yeah, it is peaceful in my home. But you know, it just. I just need a little hand.

[Caleb Heron]

You just. Your skull needs a break.

[Amy Miller]

Which I'd be fine with a sex worker as well. But I don't. I don't know. Am I heartless? I. I'm fine. Some. Not with my boyfriend. But like. Like I guess when I was hoeing around, I was okay with some just like get the job done sex. That wasn't like connecting that bad.

[Caleb Heron]

I don't understand what you mean.

[Amy Miller]

Maybe because I don't respect straight men.

[Caleb Heron]

Well, yeah.

[Amy Miller]

None of us should that if it's just like a. It's just like sometimes they're just a shell to me. Oh yeah. It means to an end.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah. I don't think the language is great, but I think the politics are probably okay. Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

And they make sense. Sense.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah. A little bit of taking back the power type thing.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah. That's beautiful.

[Amy Miller]

I guess. Yeah. I don't. But I've had casual sex with women too. I don't know. It's all fine.

[Caleb Heron]

How did it feel to have casual sex with women? Did that feel disrespectful?

[Amy Miller]

Oh, great. No, no, I wasn't disrespecting that.

[Caleb Heron]

Just kind of a sisterhood moment. Traveling pants girls growing out. Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

Oh, that's beautiful. I often look at my lesbian friends and I'll just be in the middle of a dinner and I'll be like, God, I would do anything for us to want to each other other. It would be so easy. You're the only person I want to hang out with.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

It'd be so nice if we wanted to each other. I could just wrap everything up with a bow and be done.

[Amy Miller]

I know.

[Caleb Heron]

But instead I have to go out and forage every.

[Amy Miller]

I feel that about my. My gay friends sometimes as well.

[Caleb Heron]

Gay guy friends.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah.

[Caleb Heron]

Nice.

[Amy Miller]

But they don't want to me Solomon. Oh yeah. Are you kidding me? What a catch.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah.

[Amy Miller]

I would do anything for Solomon. I would his dick right now. He wouldn't like it.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah. Would you?

[Amy Miller]

Probably.

[Caleb Heron]

Really?

[Amy Miller]

Well, yeah. Why not? Because he's not enjoying it. You think I won't? I gotta get mine. You Solomon. I'm gonna let me your dick.

[Caleb Heron]

Let Amy your dick.

[Amy Miller]

We're friends at Universal. At Universal with our season passes in.

[Caleb Heron]

Hand that pay off in two trips. Amy, I. I love you so much.

[Amy Miller]

I love you so much.

[Caleb Heron]

Tell the people where they can find you.

[Amy Miller]

Oh, yeah. Just follow me on Instagram. Amy Miller comedy. And I tour all the time. You can come see me.

[Caleb Heron]

You should go see Amy. You do tour all the time.

[Amy Miller]

Yeah, I know. And I'll see you at Caleb's next show. I'll be wearing a suit. And I will have bought a plane ticket.

[Caleb Heron]

And some merch.

[Amy Miller]

And a gift.

[Caleb Heron]

And some merch, I hope. I can't believe the fact that you have Steve's merch and not mine is so sick.

[Amy Miller]

Well, I need to get it.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah, you guys been friends for a lot longer and that type of thing, but. But, man, that hurt.

[Amy Miller]

I'll buy some, but I want to buy it in person. I'm not gonna pay shipping fees.

[Caleb Heron]

Okay. All right, well, I love you.

[Amy Miller]

I might get lost in the mail.

[Caleb Heron]

Yeah, nice. Nice save. I love you. Thanks for being on.

[Amy Miller]

I love you so much.

[Caleb Heron]

That was a Headgum podcast. Hey. Hey, everyone. I'm Dan L. And I'm Nick Nanny. And we are the hosts of Chicken Padme John, now on Head Gum. It's the very first podcast for and about Italian Americans. That's right. But if you're not Italian American, you can listen to. I guess I suppose we can let you in, cut you a deal. We're talking about all sorts of crazy topics on this. Who's a better cook, Nonna or Mama? Who you got in that fight, Nona or Mama? I mean, I can't say bad about non or else she smacked me across head. We got some great guests on the show. We got Wayne diamond, we got Edie Modica, we got Mike Hanford, and our wife. Severely so. Subscribe to Chicken Parmesan on Spotify, Apple Podcast, Pocket Cast, or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every Thursday.