Brittany Broski & Drew Afualo Are Minions

Summary

Episode Summary: Brittany Broski & Drew Afualo Are Minions

Introduction to Minion Costumes and Banter (01:41 - 05:00)

In this Halloween-themed episode of "So True with Caleb Hearon," Caleb Hearon is joined by guests Brittany Broski and Drew Afualo, who don Minion costumes. The trio engages in playful banter about the practicality and challenges of wearing these costumes.

Caleb initiates the discussion by questioning the purpose of their Minion outfits:

"[02:30] A: Now hold on. My question for y'all is, are y'all gonna be doing the episode as Drew and Brittany or as minion characters?"

Brittany expresses frustration over the suitability of the costumes:

"[02:44] B: We were just gonna do this and not commit. What's the Fucking point."

The conversation highlights their struggle with the Minion attire, emphasizing discomfort and the impracticality of the costumes for their usual comedic style.

Exploring Costumes and Personalities (05:00 - 12:00)

The hosts delve deeper into the concept of Minion characters, blending humor with self-deprecation. Brittany humorously likens the Minions to household helpers:

"[03:05] B: Little creatures running around your house, doing chores, giving you a massage."

Caleb introduces a playful yet critical perspective on adopting Minion personas:

"[03:28] A: I. Yeah. What you're describing, unfortunately, is slavery."

This segment combines comedic elements with commentary on the nature of performance and character adoption, setting a lighthearted yet thoughtful tone for the episode.

Ghost Stories and Paranormal Experiences (12:00 - 40:00)

Transitioning from costumes, the episode shifts to spooky narratives and ghost stories. Brittany shares personal anecdotes about ghost hunting with her mother, blending horror with humor:

"[34:32] B: So I went with my mother on an expedition... Doors shut, faucets turn on. But it doesn't feel malevolent. It feels like something... playful energy."

Caleb contributes his own eerie tale about a nighttime encounter in a secluded trailer:

"[46:18] A: So my mom's working nights at the women's prison... I feel like I'm being watched... I see someone staring at me through the window... I crawl to the door, lock it, and call the police."

Drew adds to the chilling atmosphere with stories from her childhood, recounting unsettling experiences with neighbors and haunted environments:

"[55:03] C: When I first moved into my home... A man just walks into the house... She said they're going to burn in hell because they play with Barbies."

These ghost stories are interspersed with humorous interjections and reactions, maintaining an engaging and entertaining flow despite the dark subject matter.

Halloween Planning and Cultural Commentary (40:00 - 73:00)

As Halloween approaches, the hosts discuss their plans and offer advice for listeners celebrating the holiday. They emphasize creativity in costumes and the importance of enjoying the festivities without conflicts:

"[76:23] C: If you are mad, just be like, I need to remember to fight with him about that tomorrow."

Caleb encourages listeners to embrace the spirit of Halloween by making moves on crushes and having fun:

"[76:46] A: My advice for everyone celebrating their Halloween tonight, Y'all get out there, have some fun. If you're out with your crush tonight, make a move."

The conversation also touches on the commercialization and cultural shifts in Halloween celebrations, critiquing trends like "Trunk or Treat" and advocating for traditional trick-or-treating experiences.

Interactive Spooky True or False Game (73:00 - 80:00)

Towards the end of the episode, Caleb introduces a "Spooky True or False" game to engage his guests and add an interactive element:

"[77:24] A: Okay, this is a spooky true or false... And now here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna read 15 statements to you. You're gonna tell me as quickly as you can if you think they're true or false."

They tackle various Halloween and supernatural-themed statements, testing each other's knowledge and adding a competitive flair:

"[78:18] B: False."
"[78:22] C: I think they have a seed. So it would be fruit."
"[79:48] A: You know that feeling when your favorite brand really gets you..."

This segment blends fun trivia with the episode's overarching spooky theme, encouraging listener participation and enhancing the episode's interactive dynamics.

Conclusion and Final Thoughts (80:00 Onwards)

The episode wraps up with final remarks and a festive wish for a Happy Halloween, reinforcing the episode's Halloween spirit and the camaraderie among the hosts:

"[80:24] B: Are we the stupidest idiots to ever be on here?"
"[80:48] A: Any advice for people on celebrating their Halloween tonight?"
"[81:05] D: And we are the hosts of Chicken Padme John, now on Head Gum..."

While the conversation continues to blend humor with spooky themes, the primary focus remains on celebrating Halloween's fun and eerie aspects, leaving listeners entertained and inspired for the holiday.

Notable Quotes:

• "[02:18] C: Minion. Yellow." — Highlighting the simplicity and iconic nature of Minion characters.
• "[03:32] A: Unfortunately, slavery." — A humorous yet critical take on adopting Minion personas.
• "[46:07] B: Yes. We're not doing this here." — Brittany recounting a ghost encounter.
• "[76:23] A: Make a move on Halloween." — Encouraging listeners to embrace the festive spirit.
• "[77:24] A: Spooky true or false..." — Introducing an interactive segment to engage guests and listeners.

Key Takeaways:

• Costume Adoption: The episode humorously explores the challenges and implications of adopting Minion costumes, blending character performance with personal identity.

• Paranormal Narratives: Sharing personal ghost stories adds a thrilling dimension to the episode, intertwining horror with comedic relief.

• Halloween Advice: Practical tips and cultural commentary offer listeners guidance on how to celebrate Halloween authentically and enjoyably.

• Interactive Engagement: The "Spooky True or False" game enhances listener interaction, making the episode dynamic and participatory.

Overall, this episode of "So True with Caleb Hearon" masterfully combines humor, horror, and heartfelt advice, delivering an entertaining and engaging experience that resonates with both seasoned listeners and newcomers alike.

Transcript

[A]

This is a Headgum podcast.

[B]

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[C]

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[B]

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[D]

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[B]

Can I say something really quick before I answer that, please?

[A]

I would love for you to.

[B]

These costumes are going to be wet all the time.

[C]

Oh yeah. My DNA is all on the inside.

[A]

Yeah, mine's soaked. Yeah, already mine is soaked. And guess what else? This candy bowl can't move. Well, girls, welcome back. We're rolling. How y'all been? What are yalls? Genders?

[C]

Minion. Minion.

[A]

Gender.

[B]

Minion. Self.

[C]

Minion. Yellow.

[A]

What are the minion genders? Do they have any at all?

[B]

Stuart. Bob and Kevin Stewart.

[A]

Bob and Kevin.

[C]

Yeah, they prefer not to. To answer.

[A]

Yeah. Okay, no worries.

[C]

I'll have my people call your people. That's an HR visit waiting to happen.

[A]

Now hold on. My question for y'all is, are y'all gonna be doing the episode as Drew and Brittany or as minion characters?

[C]

I mean, I think I know what Britney's answer is. I was gonna be me.

[A]

Yeah. Okay. And Brittany was planning on being a minion for sure. She absolutely was.

[B]

We were just gonna do this and not commit. What's the Fucking point.

[A]

Why are we in the costumes?

[B]

Yeah, we're tucked right now.

[A]

I'm going home. I'm going home. If we're not gonna do it right, I'm going home.

[B]

Then we're not gonna do it at all.

[A]

We it right. We're not doing it at all. I'm going home.

[B]

You know, I've said this on TikTok a few times of if he was onto something with the Minions. Right.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Little creatures running around your house, doing chores, giving you a massage. I only have three fingers. One, two, three. You know, maybe cooking, like, your hello Fresh meal or something.

[C]

Fresh.

[B]

Sponsor this podcast. Click Caleb's link.

[C]

Click my link below, please.

[A]

Click the hello Fresh link.

[B]

But you know what I mean? Like, there has to be some utility to the Minions. For real.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I. Yeah. What you're describing, unfortunately, is slavery.

[C]

He said, I know it's illegal. That's why I made my own. I made my own race, my own species. Created.

[B]

Created my own.

[A]

I just made my own. I did it my own way. Real quick.

[C]

He said, protected under Free diy.

[A]

Diy Real quick.

[C]

Can I say something really?

[A]

I wish you would.

[C]

For the room. Now that we're alone.

[A]

Go ahead.

[C]

There's 27 people in here.

[A]

There are so many people.

[C]

Like, literally, there's 30 people in the room.

[A]

There are so many people in here.

[C]

When I was earlier today, I was like, thinking about, like, how we have plans after. We're gonna go eat whatever chili looking at. You can say chili.

[A]

You can say, we're going to chili with that on.

[C]

So upsetting. I was like, what?

[B]

I'm, like, listening.

[C]

I was, like, thinking about getting picked up, like, by the car that I have. And I was like, mm, I think we'll be fine. Because one thing about Caleb, when he's done hanging out, he's done.

[A]

He'll let you know. No.

[C]

When I tell you every meal we've ever had together, at one point, he goes, well, I'm gonna head out. I have to go. I'm not kidding. Like, he. The way he calls a meeting. Like, he's like, yeah, okay, well, this is done now, so.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, Y'all text. Y'all make fun of me, too. Cause y'all text me the other day and said, I know a rezzy hates to see Caleb coming.

[C]

Yeah, I know, I know. And open table hates to see Caleb coming.

[A]

If y'all say, we're going, you say, what about dinner on Tuesday night? I say, I already got the table.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Trust.

[A]

7:00.

[C]

Yeah, we had no reservation. We're like, well, Caleb always does it.

[B]

Yeah, I don't even. It's like, if we're in a city that I don't know, if we're in New York, whatever. And it's like, where are we eating? I' like, text my guy. I have no idea.

[A]

Cause that motherfucker is eating.

[C]

He's eating. And.

[B]

But not only that, but you know where, like, the good spots are. I'm like, let's do Popeyes. That'll do it every time.

[C]

You and me both.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Not around me, girls.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Y'all gonna miss me when I'm gone. Cause y'all don't fucking appreciate me. Y'all don't appreciate me now.

[C]

Okay. But when I'm gone, I'll celebrate when I'm gone.

[A]

When I'm gone.

[C]

I don't. This candy. I'll do it with the pumpkin butter.

[A]

You're gonna miss me when I'm gone.

[B]

Do you know what me and Drew are talking? Talking about that. That this is like a cup stacking champion.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Do you remember those speed stackers?

[A]

You were good at that.

[C]

Hell, yeah, I was. I had the little math at times. No, I swear to God, I was Denzel Washington in the Equalizer.

[A]

So you weren't getting.

[C]

I said, Give me 30 seconds. Plastic cups hate to see me coming. They hate to see my group of plastic cups.

[A]

If I'm in the room, they're getting.

[C]

And you better believe it.

[A]

Why were you doing that?

[C]

I don't know. Mental illness.

[B]

You know, everyone has to have their thing.

[C]

I saw it and I was like, I bet I could do that. And I asked for it for Christmas, and I got it.

[A]

You said, I'm not like other girls. I'm stacking cups. I'm doing.

[C]

I'm a lot weirder.

[A]

She's cheer captain and I'm stacking cups. You and the Taylor Swift video are across the window. Instead of holding up a little sign. You usually in the window.

[C]

I'm ignoring his calls.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Cause I'm too busy stacking cups.

[A]

I can't hang out this weekend. I got cups to stack.

[B]

You were dating football players. I was practicing the blade.

[C]

I was honing my craft.

[B]

I was honing my skill.

[A]

What have y'all been up to? What's going on in your lives, man?

[B]

Can I say something really quick before I answer that?

[C]

Please?

[A]

I would love for you to.

[B]

These costumes are going to be wet by the time we.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Oh, yeah. My DNA's all on the inside.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah, mine's soaked. Yeah, already mine is soaked. And guess what else? This candy bowl can't move for what.

[C]

I think are obvious reasons.

[A]

Guess what else? Guess what else? Unless y'all want to see an incredibly detailed sort of marble. You know those marble statues where they used to do, like, silk and people would be like, oh, incredible. They're able to do that. That's what the minion overalls are doing to my dick and balls at the moment.

[B]

To my dick and balls.

[A]

Every follicle of every pub hair. You would be able to. Yeah, that's realism. Gorgeous.

[B]

When your tuck comes undone midway through the performance. That's the y'all.

[A]

I want to do. Minions.

[C]

Dr.

[B]

Done.

[A]

I should do a number.

[C]

You should. You absolutely should.

[A]

You think?

[B]

But it's to the boom boom.

[A]

Walk them out in these little bitches.

[B]

Hey, they don't wear this shit.

[A]

Where would y'all fuck me in this?

[C]

I will. If they open, like, that flap on your butt like Long John's.

[A]

Oh, you're gonna. You're gonna. You're gonna bend me over.

[C]

Oh, I'm sorry. Are you not gay?

[A]

Oh, um, sorry.

[C]

Based off that statue, I'd say otherwise.

[A]

Do we have HR Um, the Minions dog. It would be an honor to be by either of you.

[C]

Aw.

[A]

I would take it from either of you at any given time.

[C]

I bet you would.

[A]

I would.

[B]

And nos go's not it.

[A]

I really would. Britney. If I ask you to fuck me.

[B]

On my Christian show, if there's a fee and my lawyer can redline an.

[A]

Agreement, then maybe your lawyer can redline an agreement. No worries.

[B]

I'll show you a red line.

[A]

I'll show you a red line.

[C]

Just move that popcorn bucket.

[A]

What does that mean?

[C]

We'll take a good look at a red line.

[A]

Let's see what's behind here. Let's take a peek. Hey, I got some spooky topics for you guys.

[B]

Okay?

[C]

Please.

[A]

Okay. What horror movie would you survive in?

[C]

That's a great question. Let me think.

[B]

I'm thinking.

[C]

Honestly. Honestly, I think. And I'm being so dead ass. I think Saw. You know why? Cause, like, I don't let men tell me what to do. Ever. But especially not a fucking puppet, period.

[A]

And also on a tricycle, by the way, right?

[C]

Like, get up, bring your little wooden ass in here, and I'll show you a fucking game. You wanna play a game with me?

[A]

I would win Saw. Cause the rules are simple. He goes, chop off your arm or I'm gonna kill you. Guess whose arm's getting Chopped off. I'm a rule follower.

[B]

You are a rule follower.

[A]

I'll do it.

[C]

I'll literally tell Jigsaw to his wooden ass face. That's a very presumptuous take to assume I still wanna be here.

[A]

Right?

[C]

You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Kill me then.

[C]

Yeah, kill.

[B]

I feel like you with Jigsaw, you would break him. Yeah, the whole point is like doing a fucking thing or I'm gonna. I don't know what he does on the tricycle. You would psychologically melt him.

[C]

Yeah, I'm like, no, I don't want to.

[A]

You're taking down Jigsaw.

[C]

Day one, he lets me out. Cause I'm just that annoying.

[A]

Turn my speaker on.

[C]

She doesn't fucking listen. Get out. And bring a different bitch.

[A]

He's behind the camera with his friends, bro, come on. This bitch is annoying as fuck.

[B]

You don't le.

[A]

No, I swear to God. I'm just gonna make the contraption. I'm doing it. I'm doing it now. I'm not even gonna give her the contraption.

[C]

And then you cut. You cut to the camera and I'm doing that Fortnite dance. I'm taking everything they love slowly, one by one.

[A]

You. You adjusting. You adjusting.

[C]

No.

[A]

Save me.

[C]

You're indecent.

[A]

You adjusting your goggles the entire time. Is ascending me over here.

[C]

Well, I have to. It's my thinking cap. So when I put it on, I'm really thinking hard. What about you dripping down my back.

[B]

So intensely right now? What? What? Can you repeat the question for me, Cindy?

[C]

What?

[A]

And where did your gloves go?

[B]

Got hot, right?

[C]

She's getting overstimulated.

[A]

Brittany, Brittany, Top of the episode. Are we committing or not? Brittany, halfway through in a T shirt and jeans.

[B]

Just posted me and a moo moo like this.

[A]

So what was the question again?

[B]

What was the damn question?

[A]

What horror movie would you survive in? Hun.

[B]

What horror movie?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You know, initially my mind sort of. And I don't back this up, but I'm gonna follow through with the thought is. What was that one where the kid was living in the walls?

[C]

Oh, the boy, the boy.

[A]

What is this?

[B]

But I'm the boy.

[A]

You've always. You've always been the boy. You're always the boy in my world.

[B]

You're my boy.

[A]

You're my boy.

[B]

The.

[C]

Yeah, no, I'm good over here. I'm cool.

[B]

Don't worry about me.

[C]

No worries, fam.

[B]

Yeah, that one is like. They hire a babysitter to come babysit this fuck. Ass puppet. Yeah, that's like a mannequin. And the family is like, yeah, that's the doll. And it moves. Okay. Because at first you think like, oh, the parents are repositioning it. Or it's like, we don't know what's going on. Oh, it's a ghost.

[C]

And it has like instructions you have.

[B]

To follow every night. For the little puppet dinner at this time, you have to put a show on. At this time it's a fucking puppet. At the end of the movie, you realize there is a grown ass man child living in the walls of this home.

[C]

And he's like watching through it.

[B]

Yeah, watching her, like, wants to fuck her. Has a blow up doll in his little room. His parents themselves. It's a whole thing. I'd be the boy.

[C]

What?

[A]

Yes, she would.

[C]

And you're the nanny.

[B]

You're the nanny.

[A]

Number one thing I'm not doing. If I get a job request that says come babysit this mannequin or this doll, I'm saying no.

[C]

Well, they wrote it as if it was like their son. And then they're like, this is him and it's a doll.

[A]

I hate that.

[C]

And she's like, oh, people are fucked up.

[A]

You can't trust anybody no more.

[C]

She's like, I'm not reading the doll a story. Like, as soon as I see the instructions, I'm like, I'm not doing that shit.

[A]

Oh, she was like that?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, so she's real as fuck.

[C]

At first she was doing it and then she was like, this doll is like a doll.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I don't think it'll know if I'm Dylan Mulvaney. A doll.

[B]

This doll is a doll.

[A]

This doll is a doll. Me, when I shout out Dylan.

[C]

We love Dylan.

[A]

Shout out to all the dolls.

[B]

Yeah, all the dolls.

[A]

For real.

[B]

And Caleb Herron Nation.

[C]

Unless you're in the boy.

[A]

For real. Unless you're in the boy.

[B]

What's your answer?

[A]

What horror movie would I survive? Texas Chainsaw Massacre. You're not gonna kill me with a chainsaw.

[B]

Why is that?

[A]

Because he walks slow as fuck. Also right now, try to pretend to cut me with a chainsaw and boo my lib. And boo my lib. If he comes at me with a chainsaw, I'm gonna do this. And boom. I lived.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The boy who lived. The boy who lived. I'm the boy who lives.

[B]

You're the doll who lived.

[A]

I'm the doll who lives. You're going on T. Harry his. Instead of having the forehead scar, he has the Top surgery scars. You're a doll, Harry. You're a dol. The name that shall not be named is his dead name.

[C]

That's literally how I feel about the movie Scream.

[A]

Wait, is Harry Potter a trans allegory perhaps? Oh, probably not, right?

[B]

Probably.

[C]

Well, I would assume not.

[A]

Yeah, just based on it. Brittany said perhaps.

[B]

Perhaps. And then I realized the joke. Yeah, yeah, I'm there.

[A]

I'm here, I'm here. What about the movie Scream?

[C]

I said I feel that way about the movie Scream. Yeah, the same way you do. Yeah, because it's one. That's one of your fuck ass friends.

[A]

Yeah, that's just your home.

[C]

I'll beat the shit out of my friends. I don't give a fuck.

[A]

Oh, oh, really?

[C]

And it's gonna happen if you keep making jokes without me.

[A]

Okay?

[C]

That's a promise.

[A]

Beautiful. Beautiful. We're literally going on a trip together in, like, three days. We are y'all feeling about the trip? What are the vibes gonna be?

[C]

I was thinking the movie Spring breakers starring James Franco with box braids.

[A]

Can I be half dips? God damn it, Britney. God damn it.

[B]

Can I be white guy with dreads, please?

[C]

Well, we are going to Mexico, and white people love to do that in Mexico.

[B]

That's true. Maybe Caleb, you and I. Train of thought. And then I had a strobe. Sorry. I'm so sorry.

[A]

The eyeball is leaving an indent on your face that I'm loving Queen.

[C]

I love it.

[A]

You want to do some white people misbehaving while we're in Mexico?

[B]

Yeah. I was gonna say we should all get cornrows with the little beads in them.

[A]

I would love that.

[B]

Yeah. Do you remember when girls would come back from, like, a trip over summer and be like, what'd you do to your hair? And then you like. Do you like it?

[A]

I was in Jamaica. Oh, yeah, we got it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We saw the Facebook album.

[B]

Yeah, I'm locked into that.

[A]

I'm walking Queen.

[B]

Yeah, we're gonna do Mexico. We're doing Cancun. And I. Here's my goal. Here's my intention for the trip.

[A]

Thank you.

[C]

All right, let's hear it.

[B]

Fuck off. Fucking off at the pool. We're off at the bar. We're off when we all sleep the same bed. Okay. Yeah. That's one thing that Drew didn't say is that we're all sharing a hotel.

[A]

Room, and I kind of assume that, but can I ask you guys something? I'll just, like, off the record, low key.

[C]

Sure.

[A]

Billy keeps texting Me and saying that he and I should just share a bed.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is that normal?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Well, I mean, we are. We are looking for a third. We're auditioning a third.

[B]

Auditioning a third. Minion.

[A]

I would do anything.

[C]

Please, please.

[A]

I want to be. I do think I'd be good at being someone's third.

[C]

Do you think?

[A]

No.

[C]

Can I tell you something funny?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

When I was on tour this summer, we would, like, read stories from the crowd. And there was one in Florida where this girl said she was hooking up with this guy, and he suggests, well, a different girl suggested they have a threesome. And so she was like, okay, period. And they go in the room, and she sat in the corner while the two of them did it.

[A]

Queen.

[C]

And she just sat there and waited for them. I was like, were you waiting to get tagged in? Like, wwe, tag me in, Tag me in. And then she literally said she sat there. And then after, Dason was like. And did they say they were tired after? And she goes, yeah. And they said, oh, I'm kind of.

[A]

Beat, so I'm gonna get out of here.

[C]

Yeah. And I said. And did you go, oh, it's actually no worries. I'm so glad. I'm so glad. Nobody. Yeah. And she was like. So we laughed about it all. Like, I still laugh about it now, thinking about it.

[A]

You cucked out Queen.

[C]

Yeah, I'm in the cuck chair.

[B]

Yeah, you got in the cuck chair.

[A]

I'm suggesting a threesome and then putting myself in the cuck chair.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Have y'all ever had a threesome?

[C]

No.

[B]

No.

[C]

I've been invited to one many times.

[A]

Don't do it. Because someone always ends up the admin.

[C]

That's what I'm saying. Directing planes.

[A]

I have been the admin, and I have seen the admin. I've seen someone else become the admin.

[C]

And there's no dignity.

[A]

Well, it's just shameful. They're like. They're starting to, like, grab feet and shit. It's like they're just off to the side trying to throw a finger in.

[C]

Wherever it fits, trying to be helpful.

[A]

It's like me and this guy kind of got something going. You need to maybe just grab a break.

[B]

Logistical coordinator.

[A]

Grab a breather. There's, like, those football player green water bottles in the corner. Get you some water.

[B]

Craft service table.

[C]

Hit the showers, take five.

[A]

Go get a kind bar. We're gonna keep doing our thing over here.

[C]

Pep, you're eating those fucking. You know those little goo things people drink when they Run marathons. Go get me one of those. Tag in.

[A]

Go get me a goo, bitch.

[B]

A chomp protein. Yeah.

[C]

Give me one of those stroop waffles that have a lot of sugars in there.

[A]

Grab me a jalapeno chomp and a goo.

[B]

I love chomping. I had one of those.

[A]

The meat sticks, dude. I fuck with a chomps bass, guys.

[C]

I love a chomps.

[A]

I will have 17 chomps in a row and be like, not me on a diet. Something about chomps makes me feel better.

[C]

I get my protein goal for the day.

[B]

I'm watching my protein.

[C]

I got my protein goal for the day.

[A]

I'm actually healthy as fuck right now. I had What? I have 25 chomps today.

[C]

That's like all in queso.

[A]

I love those goddamn things.

[B]

That is not meat.

[C]

It's not meat.

[A]

That is not meat.

[B]

Can't be meat.

[A]

That's protein pearl formed into a stick. Yeah, I will eat the hell. You know what? This is probably the most country thing about me. Every year during deer season, I call my mom and I say, I don't care what it takes. I don't care what old friends you have to rustle up. Go get me some deer salami.

[B]

Yep. Some venison.

[A]

When she does.

[C]

You lost me a deer season. That's too white for me, baby. Peace and love though.

[B]

Hey, that's fair.

[A]

First of all, all my respect to you, but deer salami slum.

[C]

It hits slaps.

[B]

You know, a lot of this is so not interesting, but I feel the need to tell you. Cause we're talking about it, right? You know, a lot of.

[C]

Obviously chance.

[A]

Will you make a note? We're gonna cut this part.

[C]

Earmark this part ad insert ad.

[A]

I go, oh my God. Queen. We can't wait to hear what's up guys? It's me, Caleb. I have two things. If you live in Missouri or nearby, maybe abortion is on the ballot in Missouri. Vote yes on 3. I had to check to make sure I got it right because I don't want to be saying the wrong thing. Vote yes on 3 to support abortion rights in Missouri. Please, please, please go vote on that. If you are voting in Missouri. I voted early. It was really, really easy. Go get that done. Also, Kansas City, Nov 23 In Kansas City, Waxahachie and I are co hosting a bunch of our friends, comedians and musicians at the Midland. We are doing a benefit show called Yeehaw to benefit the tenants union. Tara's episode is out and she talked a bunch about the tenant union but please, please, please, if you live in Kansas City or nearby Omaha, come on down. Chicago, come on down. November 23rd at the Midland. We're doing a show to benefit the tenant union that we're so excited about. Me, Waxahachie, a bunch of other fun people that we'll announce. But yes, please come. Yes. Queen, go off.

[B]

Well, essentially, when you eat venison sausage, it's not lean enough, so you got to add some pork into it. So usually when you eat, like, deer sausage, it's got pig in it, too, which a lot of people, they don't know that.

[A]

They don't know that. But you cut it for the emulsion purposes.

[B]

100.

[A]

The thing about sausage is the fat, to me ratio for the emulsion. And then, of course, the casing has to provide the proper snap. Drew, sausage heads know what the I'm talking about.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Me going. Me going.

[A]

I was gonna. Drew goes, hey, Chance.

[C]

Yeah, well, you guys don't need me for this part.

[A]

Yeah. I'm gonna go to the bathroom real quick.

[C]

Back to threesomes. Yeah.

[A]

What do you think?

[C]

I do wanna circle back to threesomes.

[A]

Right? So let's take it on. Return to threesomes.

[C]

I told. I was like. Well, this is, like most of my relationship where I. Billy sits and listens to me talk about shit that doesn't matter for, like, 40 minutes, by the way. Like, sausage casing. I'm talking shit, but it's. Cause I'm not the one yapping, so I'm getting jealous.

[A]

Can I just say, by the way, the number of times I've gotten a phone call from Drew, we're talking casually for 45 minutes, and then she just goes, sorry, I'm in the car with Billy. He's been sitting there, and I don't mind, but I'm like, this poor guy, he don't care. He don't care.

[C]

He don't care.

[B]

And he laughs.

[A]

He listens.

[B]

He's a chauffeur.

[C]

Yeah. Easily his own private podcast, obviously, so you could be so lucky. I watched a Law and Order SVU episode about a couple that love to have threesomes. Anyways, don't spoil the ending for you, but I am going to. Essentially, they get caught for being awful.

[B]

Okay?

[C]

And we were talking about threesomes and how, like, they had them all the time. And I was telling him, first of all, fuck a threesome, because, like, I'm the star in my show. I don't need any supporting acts. Appreciate you, though. But then I was thinking what if I was. Was in the threesome? And I just, like. I was convinced it was, like, wwe, like, rehearsal. So I'm like, okay, yeah, no, let's do it. And then I'm talking to the judge, and I'm. This is me literally workshopping bits with Billy. Like, he doesn't give a fuck. Like, your honor, to be fair, they did not say what kind of play we were doing.

[A]

Right.

[C]

Like, I'm thinking, like, I come in off the top rope, and all of a sudden, I'm doing too much during the play.

[A]

Oh, by God, that's Drew Apollo's music.

[C]

By God, he's got a family.

[A]

Don't do it, Drew. Don't do it.

[B]

If I do one of those ropes.

[C]

To bounce, like, I don't know how much y'all know about WWE more, but you know Rikishi.

[A]

Oh, yeah, you know.

[C]

Do you know Rikishi Minimal? Absolutely. A big Samoan dude.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

And his whole thing. I'm not kidding. His famous move was putting his big fat ass on people. I'm not kidding.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And he follows me on Instagram, by the way. Love you, Rikishi.

[B]

Shouts out Shout out.

[C]

Shouts out Rikishi. Shouts out Rikishi.

[A]

Now, you could have never known when you brought Rikishi up, how much trauma is in that whole thing for me.

[C]

Really?

[A]

Cause growing up, everyone loved the wwe, and Rikishi was big back then. And anytime we played wwe, guess who the fuck? I had to be? Guess who? And they were like. And then someone would play the announcer, and they'd be like, rikishi's about to do his signature move.

[C]

And I'd be like, maybe that's. That's. He sits and then rubs.

[A]

You have to smother them with your ass.

[B]

Mina rubs his face.

[A]

He puts him in the turn. He puts him in the fucking corner.

[C]

And then goes like this and then puts his ass up in their face. I'm not kidding.

[A]

Yeah, I wanted to be Stone Cold Steve Austin, but you wanted.

[C]

Oh, not John Cena. So Rikishi.

[A]

Every time I said, can I be Stone Cold Steve Austin? They said, we're thinking Rikishi for you. Sorry, cast.

[C]

That role's actually taken.

[A]

Yeah. They said, yeah, we're gonna let someone cool be that Rikishi. You can do the butt thing, if you please.

[C]

Yeah. He puts his big, fat ass rubs just hard as fuck. That's all he does.

[B]

That is truly the best move. Why? Cause you. It's shock, horror, and then a realization of what's just happened to you.

[C]

Yeah. After their faces. After. It's the best. That's me in a threesome.

[B]

You wanna.

[C]

Let's see what it looks like. Me in a threesome. Rikishi doing his butt moves.

[A]

Rikishi doing his butt moves.

[B]

Rikishi.

[C]

Well, we have a similar build.

[A]

Oh, perfect.

[C]

That's my brother. That's my kin, by the way. Shouts out rikishi.

[A]

Rikishi's literally family.

[C]

That's literally family.

[B]

Literally.

[A]

Ohana. Rikishi. I love him. Yeah, they always have to sell it too. After Rikishi does the butt thing. Like the guys that just got their an ass from Dollar the Face Cats going. It's awesome.

[B]

No, don't do it again.

[A]

Oh, not Private Bits.

[C]

I can't say the name.

[A]

Not Private Bits.

[C]

Basically, we have both shared an experience with someone who stank really bad.

[B]

Okay, Caleb, let me just paint this picture for you.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, this is. He's a very well to do, you know, just white guy in social media.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Drew had told me previously, there's a young gentleman that stinks. And I was like, stinks how? Like Bo or what? She was like, no, it just stinks.

[C]

And there isn't a word to describe it.

[B]

I had the misfortune of coming across him, and Drew was in the room with me, and I smelled him, and I literally went over to her and I said, you weren't fucking joking. Like, it was shocking. And then I was trying to tell describe to Daisy what it smells like. You know what I mean? Like. Like, because it's not Bo. It's. It's something more sinister and something more sour.

[A]

It's. It's from the inside out.

[B]

Yes. There's something medical going on there.

[C]

And I said, smells like ass.

[B]

I said, do you know, like, when you wipe your butt with a butt wipe? Okay. Throw it in the trash.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You don't flush it, right. And then it kind of sits there and it wafts up every now and then. Like maybe when the AC hits it.

[A]

Right.

[B]

That's what he smelled like.

[C]

You know when you wipe and you're like, I gotta get in the shower. That. That times a million.

[A]

You do that. You do that third wipe and there's still too much coming off. You're like, oh, I gotta go hose off. I should be seeing more white after a third wipe.

[C]

It's not supposed to get worse as time goes on. Wiping for 20 minutes.

[A]

How is there more than what I started with? Am I unbeknownst to me while I wipe? How is it so dark on this toilet? Paper. Wait, I'm. We'll bleep the name, but I'm going to say who I think it is, okay?

[C]

No.

[A]

Sorry, cuz I know he smells crazy.

[C]

I guarantee it. No, hot.

[A]

The guy. Cause hot people get.

[B]

Yeah, some people would think.

[C]

I mean, I'm assuming some people would agree. Yeah, some people would, but like I wouldn't.

[B]

No, I wouldn't either.

[C]

And it smelled so bad. Like I literally was like, he needs his anal glands expressed. Like. Actually, you know what, bend over, I'm gonna do it here. Cause I can't take it anymore. Yeah, I'll take one of these, put it right up there.

[B]

Yeah, it makes that elastic sound.

[C]

I'm gonna keep talking about his eating habits. Have you been feeding him wet food? And I'm gonna stick it up there and I'm gonna go to town.

[A]

I'm gonna start rooting around until I find a solution.

[C]

I'm checking. Yeah, I'm clocking in actually. He needs to be hospitalized. He needs to be hospitalized.

[B]

He needs to go home.

[C]

You wanna know something funny? It's so bad that I'm not kidding. This is the third podcast I've talked about. It was so. I feel so personally attacked by it at this point that I was like. And get this, he has a girlfriend.

[A]

Oh God, they always do.

[C]

Yeah, they always do. It's till the room stinks. But he's just in there naked. Nothing's happened.

[B]

Totally close.

[C]

Nothing's happened.

[A]

God, don't catch him on a hot.

[B]

No, I'm serious, dude, I said I.

[C]

Could smell you through a three piece suit.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

There's something wrong.

[C]

You need to go to the hospital. Yeah, ick, ick, ick, ick.

[B]

But like in a worse.

[C]

It's worse than an ick. I don't know what it is.

[A]

I want to smell him.

[C]

And for his sake and his sake alone, I hope he never talks shit on me. Because if he does, we're pulling up all the clips. Girl, do I have. Do I have a gang of fucking jokes for you, you stinky bitch? You know what I'm saying? I'm going to town, bitch. I hope for his sake he never turns on me.

[A]

You better.

[B]

I'm working on a tight fire for this.

[C]

I swear to God I have at least, at least 10 in my head already. It's bad.

[A]

The one thing about gay guys.

[B]

Just say it.

[A]

Here I go. Tell them they will stink and they will think they will stink. And I'm like, do you know how bad you smell? Like I have hooked up with A guy before who smelled pretty good the whole night. And then we got back, the clothes came off and I was like, bro, what is that, bruh?

[C]

What you said, it's like Bernie was like. It's like a baked potato. When you open the foil and it's like wafts up.

[A]

That's cool. The encasing just lets it all out.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

When you smell like a chomps. But there are no chomps in here. I feel personally attacked and insulted.

[B]

Don't come in my bedroom smelling like a sausage.

[C]

Don't smell like dear salami in here. Don't you fucking dare. I'm gonna be pissed.

[A]

Don't knock it till you try it.

[B]

But can I ask you a question? When like on a percentage scale, would you say amount of gay guys that genuinely smell very bad? Because in my experience gay, gay men smell great. Yeah, but I'm not under the clothes, I'm not under the socks.

[C]

You're not getting under the hood.

[B]

I'm not under the hood.

[A]

Yeah. I would say most often it's gay men that I don't know. It's gay men at the club, it's gay men at the bar.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And a lot of them are into it. That is. There is a sect of gay men that are into like a musk play. Yeah.

[C]

They truly scat play at that point.

[A]

Truly shit, poo poo play.

[C]

Stinky butt play or doing poo poo platter. I don't know.

[A]

I don't know.

[C]

I don't know.

[A]

I don't know. Stinky butt play. Icky butt play. Fuck it. You wanna come back to my place and do some icky butt play?

[C]

You got a stinky butt?

[A]

Come on.

[B]

Come on over me some wine. Stinky butt play.

[C]

It's. Can you host and do you have a stinky butt?

[A]

Hey, what do you say you me some white sheets? I'm gonna have to throw out tomorrow a bottle of bleed Stinky butt play. Plates, bottle of blades.

[C]

I feel like that's just men in general too. Straight men are no better. Often times they're worse. Like on tour when we. I had in every city 25 dates by the way, every single one, at least 10 of men having in their ass.

[A]

What?

[C]

Yeah. What are you talking about? Like horrifying stories of like hooking up and finding out that they had in their ass.

[A]

How you finding out? You getting in there.

[C]

I would assume you can smell it. One girl said that he scooted off her bed and left us and left us skitty on the sheet. I'M dead ass. And I'm dead serious. And then get this even worse. She goes. She literally goes, but it's okay. We're married now. I've taught him better. And you bet your fucking ass we opened the show with that one. That was actually the day I found out I was a bestseller.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

And I was like, oh, yeah, Queen. I said, oh, so that's a. That's still in your life?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Why?

[B]

Hey, all love to you and your stinky husband. That's insane.

[A]

Whatever makes the world go around.

[C]

I love men with shitting their ass. One girl, she was describing something, and then she was talking about him, and she was someone. The man she hooked up with was someone. And obviously I'm someone. And then I was, like, clarifying what she was saying on stage, and she goes, no. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I go, well, don't find community with me, bitch.

[B]

Hold on.

[C]

You are alone in that. Hold on.

[A]

Stand alone, Queen.

[C]

Don't you look over here like I know what you're talking about. I don't.

[A]

You're on an island. Stay there.

[C]

Yeah. No, no, no. You are being shamed publicly. Be quiet while I shame you.

[B]

You're on trial. I'm not your friend.

[C]

Active trial. Yeah.

[A]

I'm judge, jury, and executioner.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

And you're about to have a bad night.

[B]

And your husband's guilty of stinky butt syndrome.

[A]

Yeah, he's got icky butt. We're killing him. It's his last day on earth.

[C]

A skitty on your sheets.

[B]

Girl, if a man left a skid mark on my bed, I myself. I have to, like. You get to go home. I have to clean.

[C]

I'm bl up the house with both of us in it, so we're. No one's going home tonight.

[B]

No, you're not leaving this house alone.

[C]

And neither am I.

[A]

None of us are. Everyone gotta die if there's shit on my sheets.

[B]

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[D]

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[A]

Y'all believe in ghost?

[C]

Yeah, absolutely.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, totally.

[C]

Isn't your mom a ghost hunter?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. You come from a lineage. Hold on, girl.

[A]

Hold on. Is your mom a ghost hunter?

[C]

Yeah, that's her family business.

[A]

Y'all don't tell me anything.

[C]

She was. She was gonna take over the family business, but then this happened.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, things took a more serious turn.

[B]

Duty calls, had to clock in.

[A]

But then I got drafted.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And now I serve.

[B]

I'm one of God's silly soldiers.

[A]

Yeah. Have you ever been ghost hunting with her?

[B]

I have. I have been on an expedition and actually, if you want a real ghost story, I can give you one.

[A]

We do.

[C]

Let's hear it.

[B]

So I went with my mother. I'll tell you two. I went with my mom on an expedition. Expedition in Montgomery County, Texas.

[A]

Texas.

[B]

And it's this woman's. It's an old town spring, which is like the story of spring is they took about bunch of houses from Houston and drove them to spring. So they're all like mismatched. They're not originally from there. Okay, different, like whatever. You know what I'm trying to say? Different periods. And so we go into this one store that's of course this crazy old batshit lady. It's like she makes her own perfume. Pheromone perfume and crystals and all that. There's like cats around the whole thing. And we go in there and I think her name is T me. And she's like, Heather. It's my mom's name. Heather. I hear things. I hear things. Stuff moves. I'll lock up one day, come in the next morning. I'm the only one with a key. And things have been moved around. I look at the security footage. No one's touching it. Like it's moving on its own. Doors shut, faucets turn on. But it doesn't feel malevolent. You know what I mean? It feels like something. It's like a playful energy. And I was like, playful energy. And my mom's like, let's go check it out. Sounds like a job for Me.

[C]

Duty calls.

[B]

Yeah, duty calls. And so she brings me, she's like, you want to come?

[C]

I was like, you know what?

[B]

Fuck it, let's go. I go with her. We pull up, we start asking all the questions of like, when do you hear it? Is there a certain time of night? Is there a feeling, Is there a smell associated? Because that's a thing too. Of like sometimes if it's a residual haunting, you'll get remnants of like smoke or like cigarette smoke or cigar smoke or a lady's perfume. Stinky. And so she was like, yeah, sometimes I do. And so everyone leaves and we're in this back room where she was like, the most activity happens in this back room. And we sit there and the technology mom uses and that the ghost hunting community uses, you know an Xbox. Xbox, Kinect. Yeah, it's that footage. It's like a device that is electromagnetic energy to track your body. You know, like when you're dancing and just dance, it makes a little stick figure of you based on the electromagnetic or heat radiator. I don't know. And so she uses this and sets it up in the room as like a genuine ghost hunting thing. And of course we're going to get our evidence off of this naturally. So she sets it up and we're all quiet. And she's got, you know, her EMF detector which is electromagnetic frequency. And you can talk to things and it'll. It sounds like a radiation detector. And then there's divening rods which if you know, you probably know this from farming. Divining rods will cross because they're made of copper. When you go over water and it's what farmers used to use to locate underground water sources. They use. The ghost hunting community uses divining rods to try to connect and talk to spirit. So they'll hold them and they're very loose on top. And you ask it a question. You're like, if you died in this house, crossed the water and then it'll do it sometimes. And then it'll say, my mom will be like, thank you. Can you uncross them? And then it'll fucking do it.

[A]

No, Just so I can step in real quick. She's holding them in both hands.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

What's stopping her from doing this?

[B]

Well, 100%.

[A]

Okay, no worries. I'm just asking questions.

[B]

And you're asking all the rockets.

[A]

I'm doing my own research.

[B]

Okay. And she would say, you know, that's good. Caleb, you're a skeptic.

[A]

I love her.

[B]

Yeah. If she was sitting right There. She'd say, it's good. You're inquisitive.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because I was like, she's white knuckling these things. And I'm like, literally one turn of your wrist in and they're crossing. Crossing. She claims that she's, you know, she'll. She'll hold it steady. And she has. She's hold it on her knees before. And it's crossed. It's freaked me out. So she's got those. She's got the EMF detector and she's got this Xbox connect. Well, we're in the room.

[A]

Not the. Not the ghost is a gamer and.

[B]

And gamer girl.

[C]

Ghost saying, dance Central.

[B]

Yeah, dead 1890. Loves Xbox.

[A]

Gamer doll. Gamer doll, ghost.

[B]

So we're in this back room. It's me, my mom, one other person. And then the owner of the shop. And she starts. All the lights are off, the AC's off, whatever.

[C]

We're in this back room.

[B]

And she goes, if there's someone here, can you say hi, can you tell us, you know, where you are? And it's quiet for a second. And then she asks again, are you there? I. I can feel you. And then the EMF detector. And then it goes back down. And I said, don't with me. Are you serious? And then she does again, are you a girl? And it goes back down. And then she'll ask her, are you a boy? No answer. And so I'm like, okay, okay. Then after a while, she starts asking specific questions. Are you 8 years old? Are you 9 years old? Are you 10? Are you 11? Quiet, you know, whatever. Then after probably about 15 minutes of this, of this, where she thinks she's talking to it. And I'm honestly like, what the. Why is it reacting like that? Because all the stimuli is quietness in the room. A little figure pops up on the Xbox connect screen.

[A]

No, ma'am.

[B]

And it's sitting up on something like that. Like, let's say it's up there, like on a ledge. Like on a ledge on it. She had these big, like, wardrobes that she would keep her perfume vials in. And it was sitting up on the wardrobe like this. No, like it. It had the two arms and then the two legs looked like they were crossed up there.

[C]

It literally.

[B]

It was smoking a cigarette. It's serving. Hey, girls. It starts voguing.

[C]

What the.

[B]

Oh, she's a doll.

[A]

Oh, she's a doll.

[B]

And she was like, is that you? And then it sort of moves a little, and she goes, are you a girl? That's 10 years old. Did you die in this house? And then it starts moving kind of frantically. And then the AMF detector's going. And then it all shuts off. And I'm like, mom, are you doing that? Like, are you serious? And she was like, I. What could I be doing? And she's like, I'm sitting here right next to. And then she has this thing where she's like. When they move. So it jumped down off the wardrobe, came across. No, go ahead. Get you a snack. And then it came across her lap. And it's a cold breeze, like when a spirit. And she can feel it. And that shit freaks me out because I'm like, I can't explain it. She turned the AC off. No windows are open. So if there's something moving where you can feel it, and then it pops up over there across the screen on the kinetic. Do you need help?

[A]

Sorry, I thought it was going to be a quiet, private endeavor. You keep going, hon.

[C]

Get to it. Queen.

[B]

Can we get you some. Hey, put this in 2x. Speed this part up.

[A]

Can we put it in 4x?

[B]

Damn.

[C]

Believe in the part about the rods. That's important. Please don't forget the rods.

[A]

Can we get Drew in the edit? Yes, Drew in the Minions costume. Anyway.

[B]

Anyway, so that was that night. As we established, it's a young girl that was around 9 or 10 when she passed. She is in this back room. Come to find out, my mom does some like, cross minion hand cross, like examination of what we experienced in that room. The information she collected from asking questions. And then historical records of Montgomery county in that time period. Ooh, something. There was a match. A little girl was playing with, I think her brother or something and tripped on a rock and hit her head and like, bled out in this little garden right by that back room. Probably like 70, 80 years ago. And that's the. That's the girl she was talking to.

[C]

That's fucking scary.

[B]

There are certain things where I'm like, what the fuck, Mom? There was another time we were in. You really finished that quick? I mean, well, damn.

[A]

You are gonna think I gave it the Gluck. Gluck 9000. It just came off like that.

[B]

You got really acidic. Spit, saliva.

[A]

Yeah, my shit's toxic. Yeah, that really scary.

[B]

It is. And so I've seen things like that. That's like. I don't know if I truly believe, but it's like I can't explain that away. We were in New Orleans a different time. This is the last ghost story. I'll tell we were in New Orleans, a different time. And I was with my mother and my grandmother, and we were in the oldest operating restaurant since. In America. I think it's from the Civil Civil War. It's from, like, the 1850s, and it's got original flooring and original walls and the original bar. And we walk in, we're like, oh, it's cool. We're the only people in here because it's about 3:30pm no one's eating lunch. No one's eating dinner. We sit down. We're the only people in the dining room. And it's quiet. My mom goes, there is someone over my left shoulder. And I said, don't.

[C]

Your mom's the Long island medium. Teresa Caputo.

[A]

You ever heard of it?

[C]

Yeah, Better believe.

[B]

And so she's like, there's someone over my left shoulder. And I said, we're not doing this here. She said, no, I'm serious. There's someone over my left shoulder. And he's standing there, and it's a benevolent presence. And he's, like, standing like this with his arm. And I was like, what? And then after a while, she was like, he's still there. He's still there. He's not going away. She brings the waitress over, and she's like. Then he reports of hauntings in this room. And the girl was like, oh, yeah, there's like a. A waiter who haunts this room.

[C]

And my mom was like, did you get that?

[B]

Did you get that?

[A]

Hey, you hear what she said?

[C]

Clock it.

[B]

And part of me was like, sure, there's a waiter haunting this room. Because waiters were always in this room. You know what I mean?

[C]

Your mom goes, tea.

[B]

I felt it.

[C]

I knew. I knew it.

[B]

I knew it. I. I knew it.

[C]

I knew it.

[B]

She's like, yes, I knew it. But yeah, so that was a weird one where she pulled the waitress over, and the waitress was like, yeah, it's. It's an older black gentleman who haunts us because it's from the 50s, 1850s. And so up until they closed it and then reopened it, there were slave quarters upstairs. And so she was like, yeah, that's. It's a young gentleman who haunts this room. And my mom was like, let me tell you something.

[A]

If I was a black guy from the 1850s and I died in a restaurant, the one thing a white person would never have is a peaceful meal.

[C]

Yeah, Amen. And the church said, amen, I guarantee. And you got to pull it back.

[B]

Don't.

[A]

You're going to be uncomfortable Least I can do. Least I can do is stand around.

[C]

The table and it's him just standing over you going, yeah.

[B]

Enjoying the meal.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I will haunt every single person who ever walked in there.

[B]

That's a good point.

[C]

Amen.

[B]

So those are my two ghost stories. And she still does expeditions. She does like abandoned hospital and shit like that in Houston. And she loves it, but I love her.

[C]

Yeah, I believe in ghosts for sure.

[A]

Do you?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you have any experiences with the paranormal?

[C]

Not personally, but because I'm indigenous, we believe in stuff like that very heavily. Well, we believe in. Let spirits come back and they like, sometimes they. They come back for bad reasons, sometimes they come back for good reasons. I think it's just like. But I just. I. I'm someone that, like, because I have so much melanin in me, I don't with the afterlife. So every time they're like, let's do a Ouija board. I'm going the home.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Like, I'm not doing that. You. Once you open it, you can't close it. Yeah, but like, people like, I'm. I just don't with them. Like, I feel like about ghosts the way I feel about the sea. None of my business.

[A]

Don't need to know.

[C]

Yeah, don't need to know. Don't want to know.

[A]

I don't.

[C]

Sending peace, love and unity, though.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You don't have the security clearance for that.

[C]

No, I don't. And I don't need it. Don't give it to me. I don't want it.

[A]

I have a scary story.

[C]

Do you?

[A]

Not about ghosts, though.

[C]

It's about what's behind that popcorn bucket.

[A]

Yeah, I got a scary story.

[C]

Whole blurb blurred out.

[A]

Oh, I have a scary story.

[C]

Okay, okay, let's hear it.

[B]

Why are you teasing us?

[A]

But you know, with ghosts, it's almost less scary than real people because real people can hurt you worse. Okay, picture this.

[C]

Me not wanting to listen.

[A]

Dig this.

[C]

Me immediately tuning out.

[A]

Hold on, girls.

[B]

Can we take a break?

[A]

Dig this. Picture it. I'm 15 years old. Okay. Horror, we live. That's it.

[C]

Don't I fucking know it.

[A]

I'm 15 years old. Scary. A thundercrack. I'm 15 years old. My mom is working nights at the women's prison. Thank you. Thank you. So we had moved just out of my hometown. We had moved like, we moved all the time. And God knows why, but we moved out to this little trailer that was in the country outside of my hometown. And I didn't want to move out there in the first place. Because there's nothing to do, and I don't fuck with it. And I. We moved out there, and it was like you went. You. You were so far out there, like, probably 15 minutes outside town. And then to get to my house, you went down a long gravel road, and then you went up a driveway that was lined by trees. And then there was a little opening in the trees, but they surrounded it. And then there was like, a double wide that we lived in. Double wide in an opening of trees. And then there's like a. You know those big gas tanks that sit in the yard? Yeah, like a big. Like propane. Like a big gas tank.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

There's just one of those. And then there's like, the parking. So my mom's working overnights. Okay. I haven't stayed out there alone in that house yet. We've been there maybe like a month, two months.

[C]

That's spooky as fuck. It's spooky.

[A]

And we don't know. I don't know who lived there before us or anything like that, but I have always had an uneasy feeling out there. And anytime my mom had worked overnight up until then, I'd had a friend stay over or something. But this night, I just didn't have anybody, so I had to stay there alone. I had just gotten off my job at the Applebee's, so I have finished at the Applebee's, where I was a neighborhood expert. I have returned to the Double Wide. I'm in the home I'm going to make myself. I didn't want to have my shift meal because my manager, Joram was his real name, was getting on my last nerve. I didn't want to have my shift meal. I said, joram, it's you forever. Yeah, I'm heading back to the Double Wide. I went back to the Double Wide, and I had some frozen. Tyson, any tizers? Hey, Tyson, any tizers?

[C]

Give it up.

[A]

Y'all are. Y'all are it up. So I went back to the Double Wide. I'm in there. I put some. Any tizers on a baking sheet, and I'm feeling uneasy. I feel like I'm. I'm like, there's something creepy about this night. I got, like, a movie on in the living room. And mind you, the living room is where the table is. The kitchen is where I am, right? So it's. I'm. The place is small. And I put the initizers into the oven. I put it on 350, and I'm just like, Kind of standing there, and I'm like, I may as well do these dishes real quick, because I'm just, like, standing here, you know, I'm doing some dishes, and there's a window in front of me, and I'm doing the dishes, and I just keep feeling like I'm being watched. And I'm like, there is something weird going on right now. And then. You got one.

[C]

You got one. Caleb scared one of the 30 people in this room.

[B]

Yeah. One victim.

[A]

Claim I need it. Proves to me that the energy is in the room.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So my anatizers are in the oven. Hate you for real dishes. Hold on, girls.

[C]

Land the plane.

[A]

I'm doing the edge. You take a chance.

[C]

No, I'm on the edge of my seat.

[A]

I want to hear, I'm in the double wide. Any timers are in the oven?

[B]

I'm 15.

[A]

My. Mind you. I'm 15. Be that as it may, mind you, I'm a neighborhood expert, right? So I should, of all people, should be armed and safe, but I am not. I'm in the double wide. I'm doing the dishes, and there's a window in front of the sink. So I'm doing the dishes, and this is a completely 100% true story. I'm doing the dishes, and I'm feeling like I'm being watched. And my mom's not coming home until 5, 6am Right? So I'm doing the dishes, and I look out the window, and I just. I keep feeling this feeling of, like, man, someone else is here. And I look by the big standalone gas tank in the yard, and right behind it is someone staring at me. Staring. I'm a real human being. Staring at me directly in the eyes. A face I don't recognize. I know everyone who lives around me.

[C]

And you can see the person clearly.

[B]

I can.

[A]

We are locked in eye contact.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I am standing in the kitchen. We are locked in eye contact, and I'm looking directly at him, and he is looking at me. I've never seen him before. No, he had, like, kind of long hair and a little bit of a beard, and he looked. Well, say it with me. Scary as fuck.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Not just by the circumstances, but also. Cause, mind you, I'm 15, right?

[C]

Yeah. Right.

[A]

So I literally drop to the floor, crawl to the door, lock it, and I am, like, laying on the floor, hyperventilating. Cause I'm like, this guy's gonna kill me. I get the phone out, and I call the police, who I love and.

[C]

Historically speaking.

[B]

Who do no wrong I.

[A]

Call the police who do no wrong.

[B]

Who can't do wrong.

[A]

And I said, Nah, I'm 15. I'm in the double wide, the anytime.

[B]

Burning, burning, burning.

[A]

I say, bring some with you when you come. And also bring a gun, because you might. Guys. You guys might get to do one of your favorite things today.

[C]

And so your night's really turning around.

[A]

I say, good news, boys. We got one.

[C]

And I'm cool with this one.

[A]

Yeah. I say, hey, go nuts. He's white and in my yard going to say, have a day.

[C]

Make a moment.

[A]

Light him up.

[B]

Get her, Jade. Light him up.

[A]

I said, fire that lid. So I call my friends down at the station and I say, boys, I said, there's someone in my yard staring in my eyes through my window. Please get out here. And they go, okay, I'm going to. It's going to be a minute, but stay on the phone with us. And so I stay on the phone. They're like, what are you doing? I'm freaking out on the floor. Floor. So it takes about 10 minutes for them to get out there. And they pull up, and it's sirens, sirens. And I see that. I see the sirens through the window, but I don't want to step outside because I'm like, you know what happens in a horror movie is you run outside thinking you're safe. You're talking to the cop, and he's like, calm down, calm down. Arrow through his head. Yeah, Something crazy like that, you know? Then all of a sudden, it's you and the killer outside. So I'm staying in the house until I. Until there's some exploration done by the police officers. Now go ahead and belch for me. Thank you.

[B]

I tried to avoid the mic, but what happens, happens.

[A]

No worries. Chance.

[B]

Hating this on your neck, by the way.

[A]

Chance has got the grunos around his neck. He's gone. Casual Fridays at work.

[B]

Holy smoke.

[C]

The way. It's horrifying.

[A]

Chance. Chance. Chance, by the way, is not gonna be on camera today. Text me the other day and said, would you mind if I dressed as Groove?

[C]

You said, live your truth, Queen.

[A]

Put the Groove costume on.

[C]

You're not gonna come on camera, but.

[A]

Yeah, no, you stay over there as Gru.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I'm laying on the floor, the cops have arrived. Y'all don't know how the sirens are. And I sit on the floor until I hear. Now I know the cop who came out. I actually am Prince with him. His name is Officer, and we used to play basketball together at the Y. Okay. It's a small. When you're from somewhere where I grow.

[C]

Up, the way your life is a fucking movie.

[A]

Sometimes you play basketball with officer at the Y.

[C]

This is fucking season one of Stranger Things.

[A]

Yeah, it's going to happen. And so he goes. He goes, caleb, it's Officer. I go, oh, thank God. Here. I open the door and he goes. He goes, I've cleared the property. There's no. I can't see. I walked all around the tree line. There's no one here. But there are footsteps back there.

[B]

Ew.

[A]

So it was a real person horrifying. And I was like, okay, well, can you wait for me? I'm gonna, like, grab some stuff. And can you take me to, like, my cousin's house? Because I need. I can't do this.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And I had to live there for, like. Like another, like 10 months after. After that.

[B]

And he ever come back?

[A]

I don't know. And I never stayed there alone again because I was so scared.

[C]

Oh, my God. That actually reminds me. When I first moved into my home, like, that I grew up in, like, went to high school and stuff in I. When we first moved in, my dad was working and my mom was at the house. And my dad's brother just so happened to be there helping us move. And my sister and I were probably, like. I was probably like 10. She's like 11 or 12. And this guy like, that lived in the cul de sac, like, right up, like, a few houses down. He just walks in the house because, you know, like, the garage is open, the doors are open because we're moving shit in and out because we just moved. He's like, standing in the hallway and he's like, hello, like, calling. And my mom got scared as fuck. And mind you, my brother was just born, so my. He's like on my mom's chest, like, in a little Baby Bjorn thing. And my mom's like, can I fucking help you? Like, he just walks in the house. He's like, oh, my God.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

Like, I was walking by. So you guys just moved in and, like, I saw you have a dollhouse. Like, do you have daughters? Because I have a daughter and she might be around the same age and maybe they can hang out. And my mom's alone. Like, at the time my uncle was there, but he was, like, getting something. So she called him and said, come back to the house. Cause my dad was further. So my uncle came back and then he, like, would not leave. Like, he really wanted to, like, get to know my family. And the little Girl came into the room with me and Daze. And me and Daeson are trying to play Bratz dolls and Barbies.

[A]

Respect.

[C]

And then there's a fucking foreigner in the room. So now we're like. Well, now we can't play the way we want to play. Yeah.

[A]

How did she get.

[C]

We close ranks in this house. But we're like. We're playing with Barbies. And we're like, there's someone here, right? Like I can't be myself when there's someone here, right? And we're like, do you want to play Barbies? And she was a fucking freak. And I say that with no love or humor.

[A]

Runs in the family.

[C]

Well, yeah, clearly. I mean, her dad's a freak. But she was like. She kept saying things like, oh, Bratz dolls are like sinful. And mind you, she's younger than me. So I'm like, how do you know that word, period? Right?

[B]

She said they're sluts.

[C]

Yeah. And she was. She was saying. She was like, they're gonna burn in, Hel. Like, people who play with Barbies are gonna burn in hell. And my sister. My sister obviously, you know, days she gets so scared and so nervous about everything. Especially when she was younger. So like when she. And I'm getting irritated cause I'm like, you're doing a lot of this and not a lot of this. Yeah, this was me playing.

[A]

And then I should be doing more of this.

[C]

Yeah. And then when she started getting more like lippy and shit. Yes.

[B]

Making scissors.

[C]

What I do with my Barbies. And my time is no one's is.

[A]

Me and Dyson's business.

[C]

It's not my neighbor's business.

[B]

You're in a writer's room. Yeah, we were.

[C]

Let me cook. But she was like. As she started being more weird, she started being rude. Like she was saying like, weird rude. And I was like, okay, we don't want to play anymore, so you should go back out to your dad. I literally kicked her out of the room cuz I didn't like her. And then she left.

[A]

She was like, whatever.

[C]

Yeah. She's like, there's someone gay in this room. It's not me, it's Jason. And then she leaves. And she was. She was really rude and. And weird and whatever. And the dad was a big freak too. Fast forward, fast forward. Like eight years later. I'm like, I'm like a junior in high school, right? That family lived there that entire time, right? And something like, there's. You know how like every neighborhood has one lady who's got way too much time on her hands. And obviously Caleb's that lady in his neighborhood, period. But they know everything about everyone and, like, the neighborhood gossip. Yeah. And we had a lady like that, and she gave my mom all the tea all the time, like, against my mom's will. And most. Most times. And so she was like, oh, my God, did you hear about that family in the cul de sac? And my mom was like, no. What happened was it was that guy, his wife, and then they were a nuclear family, so they're that little girl and a little boy. The guy found out that the wife was cheating on him, right? And he was so angry. He, like, waited till she got home from work, and he was like, oh, we should have dinner. Kills her in that house, right? Like, and when I say kills her, like, I mean, for real, like, he. It was, like, horrifying, right? What murdered her in that home. Like, it was horrifying. Put her in the car, put the kids in the car, drove it off a cliff. And when I tell you that that girl's energy was so sinister to me. Like, she, like, she had a very, like, obviously, her. It's her father's fault and he's a psycho. But her, like, I was like, she had such an ominous, like, energy about her that I did not, like. And I told y'all my third eye. Yeah, here's my third eye.

[B]

There it is.

[C]

It's always wide open. And so I had a really weird, like, feeling about her. Obviously, Jason's afraid of everyone, so she didn't like her. But, like, Jason's one of those, like, a shelter dog, and so, you know, she needs. Yeah, that's another funny joke. I'll tell after this. And she had a weird energy about her, and that's why I was like, you need to leave. Like, I told her, you need to get out of here. And I'm glad I fucking did, because who fucking knows? Like, if I, like, befriended her or something, if I looked past her weird and I ignored the ominous energy. Energy. Who fucking knows?

[A]

You're like. You're like. I told that girl who needed help to get out of my house and.

[C]

Take your freak dad with you.

[A]

I don't know what's going on in your house, but you better call someone who cares.

[C]

But she's weird. But she literally, like, she would, like, hurt animals and shit.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Like, she was one of those girls. That's why I was like, okay, no, no, no, no, no. You got something about you. Yeah, take this white shit to your house.

[A]

Something's going on in Yalls house.

[C]

This is an ominous energy, Dude.

[B]

Imagine if you would have been friends. Been over to her house.

[C]

That's what I'm saying. And the dad was a psycho freak and weirdo and horrible. But yeah, isn't that horrifying? Anyways, damn, What a vibe killer. I'll tell a funny. I'll tell a funny story to lighten it.

[A]

Imagine. Imagine being the guy that the mom cheated with, by the way. Just being like, that's fucking crazy.

[B]

God damn. Damn.

[A]

My bad.

[B]

When your dick's so good he blows.

[A]

No, dick's so crazy. I ruined a family.

[C]

No, for real. Dick so crazy.

[B]

It's a murder mystery, dude.

[C]

One time someone asked me like, how did. How did you get Billy and Dason to have their own relationship where they get along and can exist without me, they can hang out without me. And I was like, well, Jason's kind of like one of those cats in the parking lot where you gotta put feet in your hand. And every day you're kind of like. And then you're like, okay, I'll leave this here. And then whoever wants it can come and take it. I was like, that's kinda how she is. Straight men need to approach her carefully and with caution.

[A]

Gingerly.

[C]

Yeah. And I was like. And he just. It's like those vet videos where they laid down next to reactive dogs, pad with the blanket. Like they lay like this next to reactive dogs. Like, Billy just laid next to her long enough where she got. She got comfortable.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[C]

Like, he had a little treat for her.

[A]

Billy, every time he walks in a room is like, smell my hand.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Billy had a sunny angel.

[C]

Whoever wants this can take it if they would.

[B]

Like, I'm not playing with it right now.

[A]

I don't need it at the moment. Yeah, you play with it for now. What else we got in here? Anything good? Oh, well, what. What age should you stop trick or treating?

[C]

Hmm. Honestly, I enjoyed being like, get. Transitioning to giving out candy.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Because I. I play God at that door.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

If I can't tell what you are, you get no fucking candy. If you didn't, no costume, no candy.

[A]

I love that.

[C]

Sorry. That's why I'm like, real like running at like the gates of heaven. You know what I mean?

[A]

Dude, we used to go. I remember the Halloween was big for us. Cause it was the only time we got treated right in terms of candy. Like, we didn't get to just get full candy bars any old time.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So we would go to the rich neighborhood. Our parents. All of our parents linked up and we're like, get in the minivan. We are going to the rich neighborhood.

[C]

We used to go to rich neighborhoods, too, dude. We would take cases.

[A]

It was military to us. We were like, every house, every rich neighborhood.

[C]

Same.

[A]

There were two.

[B]

Same, same, same.

[A]

And we were. We were making the rounds.

[C]

Hell, yeah. Same.

[A]

And I remember my dumb ass dentist gave out gum every year, and we always had to go to his stupid door.

[B]

Apple.

[A]

Yes. I was like, nobody wants you.

[C]

My dentist, by the way.

[B]

Cheap ass.

[A]

Cheap ass, healthy ass, sugar free gum. Are you nuts? Have you lost your goddamn mind? Yeah, put a kick hat in there. Yeah, an Almond Joy.

[C]

My dentist is so mean to me.

[A]

Your dentist is mean to you? Present day.

[C]

Yeah, but she's. She's a real one, though. Like, she's done my. My. She's done my teeth. She's worked on my teeth since I was, like, nine. And, like, when I see her now, she goes. Like, when I started seeing her, probably when I was like, in my late teens, early 20s, like, college, I had to get my wisdom teeth out by her. And she literally goes, yeah, you really should have worn your retainers. Because, like, just, like, all of my work's just gone. And I'm like.

[B]

I said, oh, okay.

[C]

Thank you, Dr. Lily. Thank you.

[A]

I love that. Casually just like, yeah, you fucked up everything I've ever worked on.

[C]

But, yeah, open up.

[B]

I'll take your money.

[C]

And she literally would go, like, your sister wears her retainers all the time. I don't know that. That bitch doesn't she fucking sewing days.

[A]

Out of the dentist.

[C]

She has better. She has better genetics than me. That's literally all it is. I was like.

[B]

And I be like, she literally doesn't. She doesn't wear her retainer, bro.

[C]

Me feeling competitive with the dentist, drooling.

[A]

Yelling about your sister. She's not good.

[C]

Also, she's tripping because I used to have an underbite. Like, I had a really bad underbite. Like, my grill was far more jacked up than it is now. So she's tripping. I said, you're tripping, Lily, girl, you're tripping.

[A]

Get her out of here.

[C]

I like when I became an adult, though, and I could talk to her like an adult.

[A]

That's beautiful.

[C]

I'm like, lily, you don't know what you're talking about.

[A]

The relationship with the dentist evolving over time is one of the most beautiful things about aging.

[B]

About America.

[A]

Yeah, about America. Yeah. Thank you for putting your Gloves back on, by the way, anytime.

[B]

The sweat dried.

[A]

Yeah, not me. I'm dripping sweat.

[B]

Yeah. Don't talk about this area or this area.

[A]

Yeah, don't worry about what's going on right here.

[B]

Yeah. Right here is private.

[A]

Don't worry about this. For me, my private Idaho.

[C]

I know I'm scared to raise my arms because I bet it's soaked under that.

[B]

Fuck it. I would like to answer your original question with. I think 16 is the cutoff.

[A]

16.

[B]

I think if you're 16 and you really give it your all, you dress up with your friends, you do a group costume that's two, you know, 17 year junior in high school. I don't want to see it.

[C]

I also think too, it depends on how old you look.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Because I looked 24 when I was 13. So like, yeah, my big ass shouldn't be there.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

But I was, don't get me wrong. I was there and I was sweaty and I didn't care. But a lot of times they were like, this is for kids.

[A]

Sorry, sugar, this is not a job fair. You should not be at my door.

[C]

Don't come to my door. Go to LinkedIn.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Put your resume away.

[C]

No, for real.

[A]

You don't need a full size KitKat bar. You need Indeed.com.

[C]

You need Monster.

[A]

You need to apply for 300 jobs and not hear back from any of them.

[B]

Now do yalls families get into like the giving out the candy aspect?

[C]

Kind of. Kind of. Not really. My, my family loves Halloween. But we were a big like trick or treaters and then now they're big like candy people. But they just hand it out really. Like, you know, some people go on the driveway, they have like a fire pit like that.

[B]

My family goes fucking balls and nuts on Halloween. I mean like my dad gets the smoke machine. My nana dresses up like a witch. I mean, paints her face.

[A]

Your mom's scaring the kids. She's like, there's an energy behind you.

[B]

My mom's hexing little children. Yeah, we, we go full, full balls out. And I used to in high school, when I aged out of trick or treating, I would resort to scaring children. So my dad would be doing the smoke machine. My mom would be, you know, like candy little girl. And then I'd be behind the thing.

[A]

Just.

[B]

Help me.

[A]

You're a theater kid, ass.

[B]

Yeah. I had to be the center of attention. And so I would, I would scare the out of these little kids. And it brought me so much joy.

[C]

You know what's funny is you say that and I actually worked in a haunted house, like, two years in a row for no money at all.

[B]

I just found the love of the game.

[C]

I found a lot of joy in just terrorizing little children.

[B]

There's something very special.

[C]

Yeah. And, like, it was. The one I worked in was with one of my friends. I don't even remember how I got that job. They just asked me if I wanted to do it, and I said, yeah, yeah, I want to do that. And again, I look 24, even though I was, like, 15.

[B]

What was your room? What was the thing?

[C]

It was like a hospital. Like a haunted hospital.

[A]

Love that.

[C]

Yeah. So I was like. They did, like, scary makeup on me. It was very. The budget was $2 max. It was very bad. And did I. I broke out like crazy after I put that dollar tree paint on my face where you have.

[B]

To use that little white square, like, you know what I'm talking about, the.

[C]

Little, like, paint pot.

[A]

For real, dude, there's a. I know you playing the grandma in every production in high school. I know you saw that sponge once or twice.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And did I have cystic acne?

[C]

Because.

[B]

Of course, because we all shared it.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I'm done with my makeup. Here, Use the same stuff.

[A]

This one does. There's a haunted house in Kansas City that's in this, like, old, big warehouse. And you go up the. Y'all know what I'm talking about. You've been to this. You go up the. Okay. You start on the bottom level, and then you go up as you go through. And every floor is a different, like, crazy thing.

[C]

Horrifying.

[A]

And then at the end, truly, I'm like. The real fear is I might make it out of this. The. What happened? So at the very top, there's a slide. Slide that goes on the outside of the building and takes you back down. And that's how most people get out.

[B]

That's so fun.

[A]

I went through the whole thing. Well, not for me, because it's enclosed, and I don't like that shit.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

So I got to the top, and I got all the way through the haunted house, and then I get to the slide. By the way, one of the rooms that the walls close in on you. I'm sorry. I thought we were having a nice night. I thought we were having fun. That's actually scary.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Then get to the top, and everyone starts. Go down the slide. And I go, hey, I know there's a staircase on the side. Can I just take that? And a really huge fat guy. Guy in, like, A gargoyle mask pops out of his job. I'm not talking to him. I'm talking to another person. Like a person with a clipboard. A big huge fat guy in a gargoyle costume pops out and takes his mask off and goes, I've been down it, brother. You'll fit.

[C]

You'll fit. Okay, I wasn't concerned about fitting.

[A]

And I still want to take the steps. Thank you.

[B]

Had nothing to do with my size.

[A]

Broke character. And then I will say, haunted houses. People get a little free. Free balling with my weight.

[B]

Yeah, I'm sure there was a.

[A]

There was a military ghosting you all this Harry boy. There was doll. There was a. You're trans hairy. There was no. There was a military room where, like, there was a commander who. His job was like, to yell at everybody and everyone else.

[C]

And that is scary.

[A]

He's like, you don't have what it takes, maggot. You're not strong enough to be in the army. And he got to me and he was like, you fat fuck.

[C]

And I was like, he's not even in character anymore.

[A]

I was like. I was like, pardon? Oh, my God. There's other fat people in here.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I'm not the only fat fuck in here. I'm the only one who got called fat fuck.

[B]

Fat fuck is brutal.

[A]

He's like, you're not strong enough to be in the army. You're never gonna make it out, you fat thug. I was like, yo, he's not too much on me, Sergeant. He said, move on.

[C]

When I was a kid, I went to a Christian carnival during trick or treating.

[A]

Thank you. You know what, can I say something real quick?

[C]

Please do Trunk or treat.

[A]

Grow the up, girl. If your kids are going to get razors in their apples or kidnapped, you just got to grow up trunk. You know what trunk or treat is?

[C]

Yes, I do. I hate a trunk or sick.

[A]

They're ruining our culture.

[C]

They literally just go to a parking lot.

[A]

A church parking lot?

[C]

Yeah, church parking lot. And they just like. It's almost like tailgating. But it's car trunk. Yeah. So they just like walk in.

[A]

It's like invite only. So it's like just people from your church. They're ruining.

[B]

Yeah, they're ruining our children sanctity.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Halloween is not supposed to be about that.

[C]

No, it's about running around.

[A]

It's about this.

[C]

It's about this.

[A]

I hate trunk or treat.

[C]

It pissed me too. I talk on a trunk or treat till the cows come home.

[B]

I have never heard of Trunk or tree. Really into blasphemy.

[A]

I'm surprised by that.

[B]

I know.

[C]

I'm from California and they do it here all the time. Like the church. The church things. I went to a church carnival. We went to one. Obviously it's like, it's not Halloween. And it's like, what the fuck do they call it? Hallelujah night. That's what they call it instead of Halloween. That's what I was like, days.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

They call it Halloween night. I don't like that. And we go because we go because it's in the rich neighborhood and we're poor and everything's like free for the most part. Like the slides, the Halloween slides and shit. And all I wanted was to go on this slide. And Jason was so scared to be away from my mom, obviously. And I was like, come on. Like, I was trying to convince her to go with me. And we go on the slide. I'm probably like, at this point, I'm probably like 6 or 7. But I remember this vividly because it was traumatic. And then we go to the top of the slide. Dayson goes down. She's like, ha ha. Oh, it's so fun. I'm getting ready to go down.

[A]

Perfect, by the way.

[C]

Yes. I'm getting ready to go down the slide. Right? I'm like, oh, my God. This is the most exciting moment of my life. I've always wanted to go on one of these things. This is my first time ever going on one of those blow up things. I'm sitting up there, I'm scooting to the edge, and I'm like, my parents are at the end waiting for me. A teenage couple is behind and they're like. When I say teenage, I mean like 18 or 19 years old. Like, they're older. They're play fighting. Cause they're like on a date. As I start to push, they fall over the edge. They trample me the whole way down. They crush me like a fucking cartoon character, bitch. Like when they scoop Bugs Bunny off the street and he's flat, bitch. When I say the whole way down, I felt all of their belt buckles. I felt every single, every single elbow, every single finger, like. And they're, mind you, the whole time they're laughing. They have no idea there's a body under.

[A]

They've killed a child.

[B]

They've killed a small indigenous woman.

[C]

They're flirting and they're like, like giggling and laughing, trampling me the whole way down. My mom watches me. It's all like, like a fucking cartoon character.

[B]

Bam.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Fucking cat Screech. Class break.

[C]

It was literally like a Batman fight.

[B]

Like, you have piano keys.

[C]

That's why I said I'm straight and have, like, a tire mark on my face. My.

[B]

I was.

[A]

Stand up. There's little birds flying around your bed.

[C]

No dead ass. I sit up, my hair's all fucked up, my costume's ripped. I'm like. Like, I literally couldn't breathe. My mom, my. Okay. And by the way, you know my mom.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Queen.

[C]

My mom at one point was crazy. And that's okay.

[A]

That's my girlfriend. Tread lightly.

[C]

And mind you. Mind you, my mom at this point is, like, in her late 20s. And my mom would swing on anyone on site ever. She still will. She just got a lot more, like, restraint. Restraint now, Right? She jokes all the time. She's like, if I didn't have your sister, I'd be in jail. My mom jokes about that all the time. She's like, I'd be in jail or I'd be dead. I'm like, okay, perfect. That's light. Dinner time.

[A]

So anyway, yeah, we're at dinner.

[C]

Yeah, we're at Apple's, by the way. And my mom, like, went nuts. My mom was like, what are you doing? Like, screaming and yelling at them. She made both of them cry, man and woman.

[B]

That'll do it.

[C]

And then she's like, you guys are too fucking old to be on this fucking slide. And that was the first time I had ever heard my mom, like, cuss like that. Scream like, whatever. And then my dad. My dad picked me up, and my dad took me to get a goldfish. You know, they like, do those little ping pong things, and I'm all like, yeah, I want that one. That's what I want.

[A]

That one.

[C]

Now calling me. That one's calling me. But then, bright side to that, I got attention all night, so it really worked out.

[A]

I know you did.

[C]

I got attention all night, and that's all I really needed that night. You learned a valuable lesson that refilled my XP really quickly.

[A]

Right.

[C]

I didn't take any more physical damage after that.

[A]

Right. Leveled up, powered up, health up.

[C]

I powered up. Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Immunity medallion.

[C]

Yeah. It was pretty traumatic, though.

[A]

I have a question for you guys, please. Now, as you know, this episode is coming out on Halloween. Do you have. Do you guys have any advice for people going out and celebrating their Halloween tonight?

[B]

If you come to my house, I will be putting razors in all the chocolates.

[A]

Yeah, you do that all year round, though.

[B]

Yeah, it's A fun little gag.

[A]

I got hurt last time I came over.

[B]

Yeah. Trick or treat.

[A]

Yeah, but it's never a treat with you.

[C]

All I have are knuckle sandwiches to pass out. So if you want to line up for that, that's on you.

[B]

I'm just actually gonna hand out chomps this year.

[C]

Yeah, well, then I'm coming.

[A]

Don't play. Don't play. I'll be there.

[C]

You'll go broke.

[B]

What was the question?

[A]

Any advice for people on celebrating their Halloween tonight?

[B]

How about commit to a great costume? I don't wanna see sexy nurse with the firefighter with your cock out. I want to see Bene Gesserit from Dune.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I wanna see Teletubbies. It's five friends. Y'all all go as different colors.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I wanna see some real creativity.

[C]

Yeah. No concep costumes. I saw someone you. I saw someone talk shit on a concept costume. They're like, I am an espresso martini. Then I need to see you up beyond belief. I want to see glass all over you. I want to see an olive. There's no olives in espresso martinis.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sell me.

[C]

Sell me the dream.

[B]

I don't want to see you in a brown off the shoulder blouse.

[C]

No, for real. From Shein. I don't want to see it. You know what's funny? When I was in college, my friends obviously. Whore face.

[B]

Obviously.

[C]

I had a huge whore face in college. Thank you. Obviously. As God intended. And when I. When I did group costumes with my girls, like, every year, I always told them, I don't care if it's slutty. I just want it to be creative.

[B]

Exactly.

[C]

I don't care if it's slutty. We can be slutty all we want.

[B]

I want compliments.

[C]

Right?

[A]

We might be whores, but tonight we're going to be art house whores.

[B]

Whores.

[C]

We're going to be creative. Creative whores, if you will. Like, last year, I was American Gladiators with Jason.

[A]

Hot. That was really hot.

[C]

And Billy.

[A]

That was really hot, y'all.

[C]

And I was like, no one's gonna get this costume, but I don't give a fuck.

[B]

Hot. Because it was fun.

[C]

Cause it was fun. And I committed to the bit. Like, I love. I love a niche costume. Like something that's so specific. And then when you look it up, you're like, okay, tea.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[C]

I love something like that. You also don't need a lot of money, I feel like, too, to get a really good costume. I mean, look at us.

[B]

Hey, you look amazing.

[A]

And this cost almost nothing.

[B]

And we can tell.

[A]

And I'm feeling it. And the budget's clear now. It is fucked up. You say that because I offered to have hair and makeup here to go authentic and you guys didn't want it.

[C]

That is true. I did say I was going for a more spirit Halloween vibe. I think we've achieved it.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

It is a lot harder with the nose inside this thing. Yeah, it is a lot harder to breathe.

[B]

This has been fogged up for about 48 minutes.

[C]

What's your advice, Caleb?

[A]

My advice for everyone celebrating their Halloween tonight, Y'all get out there, have some fun. If you're. If you're out with your crush tonight, make a move. Yes. Make a move on Halloween. It's the night to make a move. Tonight is the night to make a move. If you're not with your crush, call them, text them. If you are with your crush, grab their hand. At some point, say to turn to them and say, you looked so good during the apple bobbing competition, I would love to kiss you.

[C]

What are they, Peanuts characters?

[A]

Y'all don't do that. You're gonna say. You're gonna turn around and say, I love when you won the pumpkin carving competition. Oh, my God. Can I give you a kiss? And give him a kiss.

[C]

And give him a kiss.

[A]

Make a move on your crush tonight. Have some candy, but not too much. No need to have an upset tummy. Have some fun.

[C]

Also, I will add to that, if you're a couple and you're doing a couple's costume, fuck, Now's not the night to fight. Oh, because it's embarrassing.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Nobody wants to see. Yeah, like Tina and Bob Belcher arguing. There's no dignity in a fight tonight. And then just. If you are mad, just be like, I need to remember to fight with him about that tomorrow.

[B]

November 1st.

[C]

Yeah. 11-1-12. Midnight on the dot.

[B]

2021.

[A]

First of the month. Bring up the conflict.

[C]

Exactly.

[A]

Until then, let it be fun.

[C]

Exactly.

[A]

I love that. Y'all, I got a segment for you.

[C]

Please, let's hear it.

[A]

Okay, this is a spooky true or false.

[B]

Okay. Are we on a team?

[A]

Yes. You can tag team it. You can tag. Tag team it.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

And now here's what's gonna happen. I'm gonna tell you. I'm gonna read 15 statements to you. You're gonna tell me as quickly as you can if you think they're true or false.

[B]

Caleb loves a fucking game.

[A]

They're spooky. Themed. They are spooky themed. If you guys. Now we're gonna up it. You guys gotta get 12 or more correct. What's the prize if you get 12 or more correct? I'm gonna buy yalls chilies tonight.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Tea period.

[C]

You're buying regardless, right?

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. As if it isn't a fucking fight to the death between us together. That's true.

[C]

That is actually tea. Okay, wait, hold on. Let me lock in. Hold on.

[A]

Walk in. Both of you. Lock in and synergize.

[C]

Got.

[A]

Texas is the biggest candy producer in the United States.

[B]

False. False.

[A]

False. It's California. Four out of ten Americans believe that ghosts and other supernatural entities exist.

[B]

True.

[C]

True.

[A]

True. Willow Smith was born on Halloween.

[C]

True.

[A]

True. Pumpkins are vegetables.

[C]

False.

[A]

What's your final answer?

[B]

Hold on.

[C]

I think they have a seed. Yeah, pumpkins have seeds. Yeah, pumpkins have.

[B]

So it would be fruit.

[A]

False. They are fruits. Harry Houdini died on Halloween.

[C]

I'll do yours here.

[B]

True.

[C]

True.

[A]

True. Candy corn was invented in 1945.

[B]

True.

[C]

True.

[A]

False. 1888. John Cena was the most popular Halloween costume in 2023.

[C]

True.

[B]

What?

[C]

No. No. 2023. No, that must have been. Yeah. False.

[B]

What? Tiger King or some like that.

[C]

2023. That's 2020, girl.

[A]

What's your answer?

[C]

I'd say false. I say false.

[B]

False.

[A]

False. It was Barbie. Over. Over 8,000 people die every day in the United States.

[C]

Shit. I feel like that's way too low. False.

[B]

Yeah, that's too low.

[C]

That's too low.

[B]

False.

[A]

True.

[C]

What?

[A]

The world's heaviest pumpkin weighed in at £2,749.

[B]

Yeah, that's for sure. True.

[C]

True.

[A]

True.

[C]

Me and the pumpkin both.

[B]

That makes two of us.

[A]

Yeah. Hey, same Sister. Carmelophobia is the future of candy.

[B]

Carlo. Phobia.

[C]

I feel like that's not real.

[B]

No.

[C]

False.

[A]

True. There are 13 films in the Halloween franchise.

[C]

True.

[A]

True. The Ring is the scariest movie of all time according to science.

[B]

The Ring. Is that where she crawls out of the tv?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Is that. You're going to die in seven days.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

She's got the black hair. Yeah.

[A]

So you seem to know the movie. I feel like.

[C]

Yeah, he's on it. Girl. You got it. True.

[A]

False. It's sinister. Jimmy Carter is still alive.

[B]

True.

[C]

True.

[A]

True. But we should be checking that one by the minute. This might not be true if this was written earlier today. Let's just do a Google. It is illegal to dress as a nun or priest for Halloween in Alabama.

[C]

False.

[A]

True.

[B]

Are you for real?

[C]

I should have guessed.

[A]

Alabama, y'all. Halloween was originally called Satan Day.

[B]

False, false, false.

[A]

All Hallows Eve. How'd they do? Oh, y'all are buying chilies.

[B]

Are we the stupidest idiots to ever be on here?

[C]

You make the question so fucking hard.

[B]

Can I ask you a question?

[A]

I had Trixie on.

[B]

I was gonna ask who. Hey. And from all of us, a Happy Halloween.

[A]

That was a headgum podcast.

[B]

Hey, everyone.

[A]

I'm Dan Licata. And I'm Nick Nanny.

[D]

And we are the hosts of Chicken Padme John, now on Head Gum.

[A]

It's the very first podcast for and about Italian Americans. That's right. But if you're not Italian American, you can listen to. I guess I suppose we can let you in.

[D]

Cut you a deal.

[A]

We're talking about all sorts of crazy topics on this. Who's a better cook, Nonna or Mama? Who you got in that fight, Nona or Mama? I mean, I can't say bad about Nonar. She smacked me across head. We got some great guests on the show. We got Wayne diamond, we got Edie Modica, we got Mike Hanford and our wife. Severely so. Subscribe to Chicken Parmesan on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Cast, or wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes drop every Thursday.