Carly Kane Loves Crystals

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Carly Kane Loves Crystals"

Podcast Information:

• Title: So True with Caleb Hearon
• Host/Author: Headgum
• Description: Weekly podcast from beloved gay comedian Caleb Hearon. Basically just getting into it and sorting it all out and kind of identifying what’s really real.
• Episode: Carly Kane Loves Crystals
• Release Date: February 6, 2025

---

Introduction

In the episode titled "Carly Kane Loves Crystals," beloved comedian Carly Kane joins host Caleb Hearon for an engaging and humorous discussion. The conversation delves into personal anecdotes, relationships, sexuality, and the intricacies of touring together. Throughout the episode, Carly and Caleb intertwine their unique perspectives, providing listeners with both laughter and insightful reflections.

---

Personal Relationship Dynamics

Carly and Caleb open the episode by addressing their friendship dynamics, especially focusing on physical interactions like hugs. Carly shares her feelings about hugging Caleb, revealing moments of vulnerability and platonic affection.

• Carly: "It's platonic." [01:00]
• Caleb: "I don’t like hugs from you when you start to get chills and goosebumps and stuff." [00:48]

Carly also discusses her first tattoo, symbolizing her emotional experiences with music, highlighting her connection to moments that evoke chills.

• Carly: "It's the word 'frison,' which is when you get chills when you listen to music. And the F is a treble clef." [01:17]
• Caleb: "That's beautiful." [01:30]

---

Touring Together: Highs and Lows

The duo reminisces about their time touring together, sharing both humorous mishaps and heartfelt moments. They reflect on the chaotic nature of life on tour, including missed flights, broken limbs, and unexpected events.

• Caleb: "When we traveled really well together, but definitely you are extremely organized and timely, and I'm sort of..." [07:43]
• Carly: "I was really a horrible person. I was getting arrested all the time." [02:06]

One of the standout stories involves a chaotic series of events in Nashville, where flight cancellations led to a series of frantic actions, only to end up in a disorganized hotel situation.

• Caleb: "I booked our flights, I canceled because they had rebooked us on a new flight for the original airline... And then you get in and..." [10:08]
• Carly: "What was your funniest thing that happened on tour?" [08:14]

They also recount a particularly funny incident in Austin involving loudly performing neighbors, leading to an unforgettable interaction.

• Carly: "We have such a beautiful friendship and that's the thing that moves you." [61:58]

---

Sexuality and Relationships

A significant portion of the episode delves into discussions about sexuality, including polyamory and the challenges of maintaining multiple relationships. Carly expresses her thoughts on polyamory, emphasizing the need for education and structured understanding.

• Carly: "If you're gonna be polyamorous, you gotta take a course." [59:18]
• Caleb: "I abhor it. I don't understand." [59:45]

The conversation also touches on the fluidity of sexual orientation, with both hosts reflecting on their own experiences and the societal pressures surrounding coming out.

• Carly: "I feel very much like a lesbian, but it's like, will I have a slip up? Probably?" [22:03]
• Caleb: "Being gay is the biggest gift that God ever gave to me." [22:48]

---

Humorous Anecdotes and Personal Stories

Carly and Caleb share numerous humorous stories, ranging from Carly's mishaps with animals to Caleb's father's relentless harmonica playing. These stories add a light-hearted and relatable element to the episode.

• Carly: "One time I was zip lining and... I hit a hawk in the air, it died. My parents got divorced two weeks later." [53:00]
• Caleb: "My dad gets frisked before he walks into establishments because he won't stop playing harmonica." [55:08]

Their storytelling showcases the depth of their friendship, blending humor with personal insights.

---

Free Will and Personal Beliefs

The hosts engage in a philosophical discussion about free will, contemplating its existence and limitations within societal structures like fascism.

• Caleb: "I think we have free will." [36:35]
• Carly: "I think we do, too." [36:35]

They explore how free will interacts with personal choices, especially in the context of coming out and living authentically.

• Caleb: "If they're straight, that's the most base, vile, disgusting thing you can do." [23:54]
• Carly: "I want you to be a lesbian for as long as you can be." [29:25]

---

Closing Thoughts and Future Plans

As the episode winds down, Carly and Caleb reflect on their personal growth and future aspirations. They discuss topics like marriage, desire for children, and maintaining their unique lifestyles.

• Caleb: "I want to throw a party instead of a wedding. No dress code, no gifts." [46:34]
• Carly: "I would love to do kids if it feels right, but I have a fear of committing to being a lesbian openly." [41:51]

Their candid conversation offers listeners a glimpse into their personal lives, reinforcing the authenticity that defines the "So True" podcast.

---

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Caleb: "Being gay is the biggest gift that God ever gave to me." [22:48]
• Carly: "If you're gonna be polyamorous, you gotta take a course." [59:18]
• Caleb: "We have free will. We just might be met with consequences." [36:42]
• Carly: "I wanna celebrate marriage with a party, no dress code, no gifts." [46:37]
• Caleb: "I abhor polyamory. One person's not good enough for you. Get a grip." [59:45]

---

Conclusion

"Carly Kane Loves Crystals" is a captivating episode that blends humor, personal storytelling, and profound discussions on relationships and self-identity. Carly Kane and Caleb Hearon’s dynamic interaction offers listeners both entertainment and thoughtful reflections, staying true to the podcast's mission of identifying what’s really real.

---

Note: Advertisements and promotional segments present in the transcript have been intentionally excluded to focus solely on the conversational content of the episode.

Transcript

[A]

This is a headgum podcast.

[B]

I know how you guys think of me. You think I'm this serious.

[A]

I don't think you're serious.

[B]

You think I'm this. You think. You think I'm this serious guy who's. Oh, Caleb doesn't believe in crystals. Well, I don't, but. Karlie Kane, what do you. Okay. What do you think of us?

[A]

Of you? Of the whole team.

[B]

Of us, me and you.

[A]

Oh, of us?

[B]

What are we?

[A]

I mean, you know what I want us to be. You know that you're the only man I would date.

[B]

That's not true.

[A]

But you kind of want nothing to do with me. You don't even like hugs from me.

[B]

I do like hugs from you.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I don't like hugs from you when you, like, start to get chills and goosebumps and stuff.

[A]

What do you mean? Because, like, when am I getting chills and goosebumps?

[B]

Like, sometimes I give you a hug, and you're like. You, like, melt into it in a way that's like. Yeah.

[A]

Cause I love you.

[B]

Remember that. It's platonic.

[A]

I know. And then sometimes I'll try to, like, squeeze your shoulder, and you make me feel like I've done something really bad. I've been, like, really getting my head about it for days. I'm like, should I not. Like, I should have asked consent before I squeezed his shoulder. Wait. Speaking of chills, do you want to hear what my first tattoo is?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's so embarrassing. I don't even know why I'm saying this. So it's in French.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And the F is a treble clef. It's the word frison, which is when you get chills when you listen to music. And the F is a treble clef.

[B]

That's beautiful.

[A]

I got it when I was an 18.

[B]

That's beautiful. That's nothing to be embarrassed of.

[A]

It's literally humiliating.

[B]

No, that's beautiful what you did.

[A]

I know. So I guess I do kind of relate to getting chills a lot, you know?

[B]

God, to know you when you were 19, I would give anything.

[A]

I was really a horrible person.

[B]

What?

[A]

I was getting arrested all the time.

[B]

What crimes were you doing?

[A]

Fake IDs. A lot of weed.

[B]

Those are not even crimes, dude.

[A]

Well, in Florida, they were, because I was in jail a couple times.

[B]

Our country's so silly. You can't have a fake ID and weed when you're a teenager. What the. What the hell is the point?

[A]

I know.

[B]

Oh, but meanwhile, you got guys that are inside trading stocks.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And are walking free.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

I don't like the guys that do that stuff. The financial crimes. I like guys who do. I like guys who do weed.

[A]

I'm fine with tax fraud. I mean, I just feel like it's like, I wish that more non millionaire billionaires could get away with tax fraud.

[B]

Yeah, that's the issue. You can really only do tax fraud when you have a team.

[A]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

Dude. I spent my. If my early 20s were about not looking into things that surely aren't right. My late twenties into my early thirties have certainly been about paying the price. I am the number of things. The number of things that have gone ahead and come back around that. When I was 23, I said, Ah, whatever, man. It'll be what it'll be.

[A]

Oh, my God. I can't relate more. I mean, the calls I get from the hospital about being in there for poison oak, getting my appendix removed. I mean, I haven't paid anything.

[B]

Well, you fall down a lot.

[A]

I do. I'm falling out of trees.

[B]

I will say every time I see you, you've got like a new ailment. You've got like a new. And it's not. People are thinking like, oh, Carly, maybe she has like an immune system thing. No, it's not a new ailment like that. It's like, I'll see Carly and she'll have like a broken fibula. And I'll be like, how? And she'll be like, oh. I was in a clowning class and Jeremiah pushed me into the bumpers. And then of course, I fell down the stairs. And anyway, it was a lot of. It was fun.

[A]

No, I mean, yeah. This time last year, shattered my thumb. Did a day where I skied and surfed in the same day. My thumb was hanging off of my.

[B]

Shattered my thumb.

[A]

And my friends were like, get up and get on the board. And I was like, okay. Yeah. My thumb was literally like, who was with you? My friend Tyler.

[B]

Tyler, you're such a sweetie.

[A]

I know. It was a bunch of boys. So they were like, pick it up, boys.

[B]

Boys are such an insidious concept.

[A]

So, so insidious. I was. I was at dinner with six of them last night.

[B]

What?

[A]

I know why. I. I'm a pick me. I'm a lesbian pick me.

[B]

There's something so funny about self identifying as a pick me. Oh, well, I do this kind of stuff because I'm a pick me.

[A]

Male validation is literally highest drug you can get.

[B]

No, validation is king. I need it to Live.

[A]

Don't want to sleep with them at all, but God damn.

[B]

Oh, my God, that's beautiful. I don't think I'm a pick me. Do you think I'm a pick me?

[A]

No. You hate men.

[B]

Nice. I don't. I actually really need them. I love men, but I don't like that I love them. You know, I feel like you love.

[A]

Them in a very specific way.

[B]

Well, sexually. Oh, there's a specific way, all right.

[A]

How many? I mean, you actually have a lot of guy friends, but you have so many friends that it's actually.

[B]

I have a lot of guy friends, but I don't respect any of them.

[A]

No, no, you don't.

[B]

You're fine. Chance, hold the pride.

[A]

I mean, you have so many friends that it's literally like I'll be like, hey, Caleb, like, what are you up to today? And you're like, actually, I have like a 30 minute window, but I'm getting six dinners. I'm going to the circus tonight and then a late night opera. Yeah, it's like, what the fuck are you talking about? And you're like, this is my actual. The most free time I have. And then I'll be like, I actually can't do that 30 minute window. And you're like, okay, you want me dead?

[B]

Oh, yeah, let's tell the actual truth. Which is that, yes, I'm busy, but I'm friends with a bunch of waifish witchy lesbians like you. A bunch of fucking on the verge of being non binary women who at any day are gonna throw a they into the mix.

[A]

I've really been thinking about it.

[B]

Who are gonna fucking. Who are gonna fucking text me all the time and be like, hey, sorry, I'm just really holding space for myself today. Like, I can't do breakfast. You and Holmes, they already threw the van. Fudgeing. Oh, my God. With the holding space and the taking time, it's like.

[A]

I have never said holding space.

[B]

I'm sorry, I'm too tired to come out tonight. I'm just exhausted from processing all the ways in which it's like fucking get up and come meet me at this bar. What are we talking about?

[A]

No, there has been a lot of. A lot of processing.

[B]

You. We went on tour together.

[A]

We did.

[B]

What was your. I want you to be so fucking for real right now. What was your experience of going on tour together?

[A]

I had an absolutely amazing time. It was truly one of the best experiences of my life. I can't believe we flew to a new city almost every day.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, that was one of the most, like. It felt so opposite of, like, what, like, humans should do.

[B]

Oh, we shouldn't have been doing it.

[A]

Yeah. But I had literally, the best. I mean, it was amazing. Your fans are obsessed with you. They cry.

[B]

My fans loved you.

[A]

No, they did, and I really felt that. But, I mean, we got to see so much. I love spending time with you. I could tell I was slow.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

Slow moving.

[B]

Yeah. Hey, I loved having you on tour. It was the most fun. But, yeah, if you're going to bring up the speed. There was a situa. There was multiple situations where I was like, really?

[A]

No. Yeah, you definitely were like, pick up the pace. You know, a couple of times. Left my wallet in the Uber. We're chasing it down.

[B]

You're disaster adjacent your want to be. Yeah.

[A]

And you kind of run on Caleb time where you're like, we're going now.

[B]

Yeah. It's not. It's not a great match. You're one of my best friends in the whole world, obviously, Just so people know. But we are an odd, funny kind of odd couple, because you are so prone to something hilarious and slapstick happening, and I am so not having it, you know?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Like, I'm like, we need to go. And you're like. You're like, sorry, my phone's on the. It's. It's. I got lost it in the ceiling. It's a long story. I'm like, what?

[A]

I mean, yeah, that's the thing. Like, we definitely traveled really well together, but, like, definitely. You're extremely organized and timely, and I'm sort of.

[B]

You know, I just want to track also that. That the phone in the ceiling is the second time that I've struggled to come up with a bit, and I want the listeners at home to know I'm not losing my touch. We're recording this at 9:00am do you know. Do you know how bad I felt for myself that I had to get up at the time that most people get up today?

[A]

I know. When we did the times, I was like, oh, my God, I can't believe Caleb's gonna be up. I hope he's okay.

[B]

Yeah, I was at. I was at a show until 1am last night.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Cause you sent a text at. And I'm like, God damn it, go to bed, buddy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You're, like, just organizing, like, a small dinner. It's like 15 of us in the group chat. It's one in the morning. I'm like, people, people. And the thing is, people are up. They're waking up for you. People get a text from you and they.

[B]

No, they're in la, so they're already up.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Mind you, my alarm did not go off this morning. I woke up to Chance ringing my doorbell. He walks in, he's like, good morning, buddy. I was like, hey, I've got, like, marks on my face from the way I was sleeping. I was like, hey, I'm gonna try to make time for a shower. The.

[A]

What was your. The funniest thing that happened on tour?

[B]

Would you say the funniest thing that happened on 12? I don't think I've talked about this on here, but okay. The Chicago into Nashville of it all. Do you remember?

[A]

Of course. I'll never forget.

[B]

We. Dude, and. And chime in if I'm missing anything. We. At this point, we're what, like halfway, three fourths of the way through the tour. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. And Chicago was such a high.

[B]

Chicago was like, what did we play? Oh, we did three nights at Lincoln Hall.

[A]

Yeah, it was amazing.

[B]

That was like a dream come true.

[A]

So many friends coming.

[B]

Oh, my God, how fun. And we had a show on the last night we were in town. And then. So let's say the show was on Friday night, and then we had a show Saturday night in Nashville. And my team gets pretty comfy with the routing. And my team gets pretty comfy with the dates. They will have me. They will have me in Minneapolis one night and Baton Rouge the next.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. You're like, I'm in New Orleans tonight, but tomorrow, Vancouver, truly, it's.

[B]

Yeah, but I mean, I asked for it, but. So we do the Chicago show, we have so much fun, and then we go out with a bunch of people, and I was, like, out with a guy that I was kind of seeing at the time.

[A]

There was a magician at the bar, too.

[B]

There was what?

[A]

A magician.

[B]

Love that. I don't think I clocked that. We go out, we stay out real late. And then what happens? Oh, you go home and go to bed. You go back to your place and go to bed. I go to my hotel with this guy. We're up, like, you know, we're, like, making out. We're like, I'm thinking we're gonna hook up. Feel we've hooked up before, so it's not like a new thing. But before we can hook up, I get a text from the airline. No, I got the text at the club, didn't I?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, my God. And I still took this Guy home.

[A]

You were at the club.

[B]

I was still at the club. So we're still at Berlin.

[A]

You weren't even kissing in the hotel yet.

[B]

We were kissing in the club. I'm making out. I'm hanging out with this guy. I'm hanging out with this guy at Berlin, and then I get a text at the club that says, your flights have been canceled to Nashville. And I go, huh? And I go. I text car and I go, flights were canceled. I'll deal with it later. Put my phone away, went back to dancing. Stayed for another hour or two. Took him back to the hotel. Should not have taken him back. Probably should have focused on the flights. We are making out in the hotel room. He's like, you should probably deal with those fights. I'm like, well, you know, we've got this other thing going on. So then he and I are doing our thing, and then you're asleep fully. You're asleep as you should be. I find us a new flight on an airline that I don't like to fly. Let's just say it's an airline that I don't love to fly. I'm not going to name them, but they don't give you an assigned seat, and they do things a little differently. And the difference is, it sucks. Yeah, we have our own special way of doing things around here, and it's called a hell on Earth. But it was the only fight that would get us to Nashville on time. But the fight is at 5am and I think our original flight was gonna be like 10 or 11 or something. So I book our. Both of our flights. I cancel because they had rebooked us on a new flight for the original airline. And by the way, the details of this are very fun for the listeners. I cancel both of our flights. I book both of us new flights. I don't go to sleep because I have to pack. So now I'm throwing all my stuff in my suitcase. I throw all my stuff in my suitcase. I zip it up real tight, and it's. I only travel with a carry on at that time. Now I'm getting more into check bags, but I only travel with a carry on. So it's real tight. Right. Then I get in the car, I call you. I'm like, carly, get up. We got the flight. I come and get you when I get. When I go to get in the Uber. Do you remember this part? When I go to get in the Uber, my suitcase snaps into.

[A]

Yeah. And the thing is, I just want to say that I was asleep the entire time. So none of this affected me. I wake up and you're like. I'm just. Have all these sex. Flight canceled, Handling it later at the club, back with the guy. Okay. I'm outside, okay. And I was like. I was reading. It was like a haiku.

[B]

You're like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Then you come outside. So what I had to do was. My bag has split in half. Everything has spilled out of it. Okay. Everything onto the ground. So mind you, it's four or five in the morning. I'm throwing the shit back in the suitcase. I take the suitcase like a sandwich, stuff it in this guy's trunk, and then come get you.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

And then you get in and you go, hey, how's it going? I got my bag broke. I can't talk about it. Then we get to the airport, and I have to throw the suitcase away, didn't I?

[A]

Yeah. And do you remember what bag you use?

[B]

I had to use a laundry sack.

[A]

You use the laundry sack, which I had a lot of trauma about, because that laundry sack, one load, cost me $85. And I called them. I tried to cancel. I got really, really pissed. And so I was like, well, thank fucking God this finally worked out, because I. That was a pit in my stomach. Paid $85 for probably three shirts and a sock.

[B]

Well, you paid $85 for three shirts and a sock. And my new checked bag. So this laundry service that we used in Chicago, it was like a paper. It was like a paper bag that I put. I had to throw away, like, two pairs of shoes in my suitcase because I didn't want to cancel on Nashville. And Nashville, you better love me. And so we. I checked the paper bag with my remaining shit in it, by the way. I have to carry it like a baby.

[A]

Yeah, it's like a. It's like a full sack.

[B]

It's like a sack. I have like, a rucksack, basically. I look like a fucking bindle. So then I check my laundry bag to get on the bad airline. We get on the bad airline, we take the flight. Then I land and find out that something has happened. I'm not gonna say whose fault it was. It's no one in this room. But something has happened at the venue that they overbooked the show by, like, 75 seats. And I don't think it was their fault. I think it was, like, the fire marshal's fault came and, like, rezoned it or something. So basically they were like, do you want to cancel on 75 people or do you want to add a late show the day of? And I was like, so the question is, do I want to cancel on 75 fans or do I want to do a show for 75 people in a 400 seat room? Both sound like, I'd rather get stabbed in the fucking head. But I was like, I'm not going to cancel on the people. So then we add a late show. So now we. I have not slept in I don't know how many days. My bag is. I have checked a laundry sack. We have flown the worst airline in the world to Nashville. Then we get to Nashville and they won't let us check into the hotel.

[A]

Well, and also, no one's working at the hotel. It's one of those. It's a beautiful place, but it's like, you walk in, it's just this music. Also, we're sitting there, right? We're both completely destroyed. It's like, I'd never felt that way in my life. And I slept. And Caleb, you're sitting there, you get a phone call from a friend. Okay, your friend's going through a breakup. Your friend is going through something really traumatic. And you talk to her for probably an hour. And I was like, what is going on with him?

[B]

Yeah. So I'm. We're sitting in the lobby of this hotel, and this is literally what I look like. Like, I've been to war. I haven't slept in days. We've been through, like, travel hell.

[A]

And you're giving the best advice I've ever heard.

[B]

I'm literally. I'm literally being like, no, if. If they were meant to be, they would. Mm. I'm like, truly about this vomit and cry. Like, I'm so. I really don't want to leave them hanging. So then Carly's laughing at me, making fun of me, being like, hang up the phone. Then I think, I don't remember what I said to you, but at one point I was like, you were like, get us in.

[A]

Yeah, you go find someone that works here and get us in. And I go, o, like, haunting the halls of this, like, empty hotel that's just playing Green Day. It's like, it is beautiful, but it's like kind of, what is the business model here? And then I finally find somebody that's cleaning one of the rooms. And I was like, please, this is what we had. Like, can you please let us in? And she's like, I can. I was like, I can't go back down there.

[B]

I can't return to him empty handed.

[A]

Until we Get a room. She's like, okay, okay, like, I'll let you in.

[B]

So fucking funny. I literally turned to you in desperation and I was like, figure it out, Solve it. And then we got into that room, we closed all the blinds and we went to immediately to sleep.

[A]

And then we like. I made a cup of coffee in there and it was like, I'd never been hit harder by caffeine in my life.

[B]

We had the worst coffee in the world, but it tasted like a gold elixir. We woke up to that coffee because we had to sleep up until the show, have hotel room coffee, and then go do a doubleheader.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I. Yeah, I mean, I think for me it was the funniest moment was the hotel in Austin when there were the loud people next door.

[B]

Oh, the whole episode is going to be me and Carly talking about this tour. Dude, that. Okay, do. Yeah, go ahead, tell that. That's so fucking funny.

[A]

So me and Caleb are trying to sleep. It's like, it's like a wonderful hotel. We're in Austin.

[B]

Nice hotel. Very nice hotel.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Paid a lot for it.

[A]

Thank you, Caleb.

[B]

No, not. I'm saying, like, people should be behaving.

[A]

Totally. And I'm trying to get over my people pleasing tendencies. The people next to us are screaming. They're so fucking loud. And I look at Caleb and I'm like, should I go over and say.

[B]

We didn't hold on, mind you. Can I interrupt you to tell. To remind you and also tell the listeners, my friend Andre, who had come to the Austin, who had come to the Austin show, got his car towed during the show. And when we went to hang out with him afterwards, he was like, my car's towed. And we were like, that's the night.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He was like, you guys, go ahead. I was like, no, we're going with you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we went to get his car untowed.

[A]

We were off roading.

[B]

We got driven around in the bed of a truck in a field in Texas by the tow truck guy. So we've had a night in Austin to begin with, which was like, by.

[A]

The way, the best night we could have had.

[B]

And Andre's the best.

[A]

Yeah, he was amazing. And then we go back to this at all and I'm like, caleb, I'm gonna knock over and like say that we have like a newborn in here and we're trying to sleep. And you were like, I guess. And I was like, no, like, I was really needed you to like build me up to do It. And you were like, I really don't care.

[B]

Did we say that the noise they were doing was sex? Did we say that part? Do you remember that part? They were fucking.

[A]

That happened after.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

They were talking loudly and playing music. And I was like, okay, I'm gonna go over. I'm in a robe. I'm trying to look tired.

[B]

You looked insane. I don't know that there was much trying that had to be done. I love you to death. You looked. You looked, like, bad.

[A]

I did. I looked like I just had a newborn.

[B]

We both looked bad. We were going through hell.

[A]

So I go next door, I knock, and the guy opens, and I'm like, hi, I know you're having fun tonight. We have a newborn next door, and we're just trying to sleep. I feel like, don't mind keeping it down. He was like, oh, my God, of course. Of course. I'm so sorry.

[B]

The door's open. So I'm just in bed, trying so hard to be asleep after these days of madness. And I just hear Carly being like. Carly over explaining, being like, it's a baby. So it was just born. So it's like. So it's like a baby and it needs quiet because of the night. And I was like, I'm crying, laughing.

[A]

I'm like, I'm having a little postpartum depression. And then I get back in the room, and I'm like, isaiah to Caleb. And, like. And you know, again, you're just kind of like, whatever, girl. And then we're trying to go to sleep. They start having the loudest, most performative sex.

[B]

It was fuck you sex.

[A]

It was fuck you, it was fuck that baby sex. It was insane. I was fuming. And I'm like, caleb, you know, he's hitting it from behind. Like, listen to him smacking her ass. And you were like, shut the fuck up, Carly.

[B]

I'm still trying to fall asleep. And Carly's like, oh, great. He's giving her back shots. Carly's like. Carly's like, play by play, color commentarying their sex. I'm like, you're making it worse. Carly's like, I can hear his ball smacking her fucking gooch. I'm like, carly, I need to go to bed. That was. We had the Austin show that the night of that. And then we were off to somewhere the next day.

[A]

Yeah, we left early in the morning. And I, like. I was like, I want to get revenge. And you were like, maybe just not like, I think I, like, banged on the wall.

[B]

Were they hot? You never Told me no, I wanted them to be hot. If they were hot, it would have been like so fun to hear them have sex, you know?

[A]

Well, you were not having it. You were like their straight stop. Yeah, you were like, you're kind of like. You were like, are you into this? And I was like, no, I'm also.

[B]

If you're ugly, it's like you shouldn't be having loud sex. Yeah, they do that shit and bring it in silence. It was, if you're ugly, don't have loud sex.

[A]

No, right. It's like if you're ugly. Well, I do feel like when people are ugly, they're not making much noise during sex.

[B]

Ugly people.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, they shouldn't be making noise at all.

[A]

I've had sex with a couple of them ugly people.

[B]

I have never really. I've never slept with an ugly person. Not once. Because I know I can't.

[A]

I had a lot of low self esteem when I used to sleep with men, so.

[B]

But here's the thing. A lot of what, See because some, some you have to understand, I think so many people are hot.

[A]

I'm into all different. A lot of hot people. You're not. You, you have really high standards.

[B]

But I have slept with many different types of people. I just have never slept with an ugly person.

[A]

Yeah, I can't relate to that.

[B]

You name them. Short, tall, fat, skinny. I've. I got a couple different genders in there. I've done it. But none of them have been ugly.

[A]

I say a lot.

[B]

Wait, who are your ugly people? Name them by first and last.

[A]

No, I won't. I don't even remember some of their names. They were so that. Unmemorable.

[B]

No, I'm kidding. I've slept with people whose names I did not know when we slept together.

[A]

Yeah. Just being a gay guy, I think it's like crazy. I used to sleep with so many men.

[B]

That is crazy.

[A]

I would just try. I was like, I'll like it eventually, you know?

[B]

Yeah. Huh. That was really sad what you said. Did you feel that? That was sad.

[A]

I didn't.

[B]

Okay. Okay. Well, just know it's hitting the ears. It's hitting the ear as a little sad love.

[A]

Yeah. No, that's fair.

[B]

What is your sexuality?

[A]

I don't know. I mean I feel like. It's like. I feel very much like a lesbian, but it's like, will I have a slip up? Probably?

[B]

Slip up?

[A]

Yeah, I think I do. And it would spin me out for about a month.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But it's been about six Years.

[B]

A lot of my gay friends are having slip ups these days.

[A]

Well, is it like lesbians specifically or like gay men too?

[B]

Well, the gay men aren't doing it, but they're talking about it. I've got. I can't tell you the number of coffees I've gone to in the last year where a gay guy says, I've been thinking maybe. Maybe I want to sleep with a woman. And I think it's. I think it's because being a gay man is such a nightmare. Curse sent from hell. You know, I've always. I've been saying, being gay is the biggest gift that God ever gave to me. It was sent to me by the universe. It enriches my life in ways you can't even imagine. Being attracted to men is a curse from the devil sent to destroy me.

[A]

It. Absolutely.

[B]

And that's what gay guys are going through.

[A]

Totally.

[B]

But when lesbians slip up, I go, what are you doing?

[A]

Totally. That's why. I don't know. I think it's like more in my head, but I. What was I gonna say to you? I do feel like. Do you feel like gay men are maybe a little more bisexual than they let on?

[B]

Maybe. Yeah. Bi is. Yeah, Bi is real. And a lot of people are doing it. And by. Yeah.

[A]

So maybe you're not a fan, though. I know I am.

[B]

I'm good on bisexuals.

[A]

That's new.

[B]

No, no, it's good. It's all historic and, and constant.

[A]

I, I'll, I'll talk to Caleb and I'm like, I feel like my sexuality could be a little. Maybe a little more fluid than I thought. And you're like, I. I don't really. We can stop talking now.

[B]

No, I want everyone to be gay. I do think being gay is the highest accomplishment you can do on earth.

[A]

I agree.

[B]

I think being a gay guy or a lesbian and just keeping it nice and tight in those boxes, I think it's the highest thing Earth. I think it's the greatest achievement. I think it's like achieving nirvana.

[A]

Totally.

[B]

You know, and I think stepping outside of that is like, I just feel you're falling from grace a little bit. But I know that people do and that's okay. We're not all perfect.

[A]

No.

[B]

If you're straight, I think that's the most base, vile, disgusting thing you can do. But I know some people who are doing it in like a cute way.

[A]

It's very few and far between.

[B]

Yeah. Like my friends Nancy and Tom.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I love that they're Straight, but like, they're doing it in like a very fun way, you know?

[A]

Again, these are like friends. You just have so, so many friends.

[B]

You know, Nancy and Tom, I think.

[A]

Do I.

[B]

Maybe they rollerblade a lot.

[A]

I don't know. Nancy.

[B]

They're great.

[A]

They're one of my favorite straight couples.

[B]

They're one of my favorite straight couples.

[A]

Okay. I love that.

[B]

You know those, those tinpole straight couples that we all have in our lives that we're like, you guys are the good ones.

[A]

No, I do have a couple of those where I'm like, God, I really respect you. And it's so good to see that this is a good relationship.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, God, a good relationship.

[A]

Yeah. I do have a hard time listening to people talk about men, like, when they're dating them. I'm like, I really. I'm not the one. I'm like, I don't know why you're picking me, but please don't pick me. I'm like, please don't pick me.

[B]

Skip me.

[A]

I'd rather hear about the worst woman in the world.

[B]

Yeah. Than the best man. Folks, everybody makes excuses from time to time. Hey, even me. When was the last time you needed to go to a doctor but you pushed it off? You make excuses like, oh, I'm too busy or it'll be on its own, or I don't know which doctor to go to. I think we've all been there. Booking a doctor appointment can just feel so daunting. But thanks to Zocdoc, there's no reason to delay. They make it so easy to find and book a doctor who's right for you. Zocdoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment. We love clicking, don't we folks? We're talking about booking in network appointments with more than a hundred thousand doctors across every specialty from mental health to dental health, primary care to urgent care, and more. You can filter for doctors who take your insurance, are located nearby, are a good fit for any medical need you may have, and are highly rated by verified patients. The tyranny of the unverified patient is over. We've canceled it. Once you find the right doctor, you can see their actual appointment openings. Choose a time slot that works for you and click to instantly book a visit. The clicking is back. Stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to Zocdoc.com so true. To find an instantly book a top rated doctor today. That's z o c d o c.com so true zocdoc.com so true. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace Folks. Squarespace is the all in one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. Okay, if you need a website and who doesn't these days, Squarespace has all the right tools for you. Whether you're just starting out or managing a growing brand, a baby brand that you've raised up, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience just like I'm doing here, and sell anything from products to content to tickets all in one place, all on your terms. They have amazing features like Squarespace Payments, which is the easiest way to manage your payments in one place. And it's so fast and simple, y'all. All it takes is a few clicks and you can start receiving payments right away. Plus give your customers more ways to pay with popular payment methods like Klarna Ach Direct Debit, which has got to be one of my favorites. Apple Pay After Pay and Clear Pay. You can also connect major social and multimedia accounts to your website in a few clicks as icons, direct links, or even embedded feeds. Huh? It's a great way to point customers directly to your products and content. And when you go to your favorite comedian's website, huh, you can easily find their Instagram, YouTube, tick tock, even their Facebook if you so choose. Squarespace also helps with invoicing. They provide an easier way to collect payments so you can focus on growing your business, invoice clients and get paid for your services, turn leads into clients with proposals, estimates and contracts and simplify your workflow and manage your services business on one platform. So head on over to squarespace.com so true to start your free trial and when you're ready to Launch, you can save 10 off your first purchase or webs for a web of a website or domain using code. So true. Quince Quince Quince Quince Quince My old friend. Elevating my style used to mean breaking the bank, but with Quince I get high end versatile pieces at prices I can actually afford. Now I can upgrade my style by snagging killer luxury essentials that sync with my vibe and wallet, Quinn says. All the must haves like Mongolian cashmere crewneck sweaters from $50 iconic 100% leather jackets and versatile flown and activewear. The best part? All Quince Items are priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. By partnering directly with top factories, Quince cuts out the cost of the middleman and passes the savings on to Us And Quince only works with factories that use safe, ethical, and responsible manufacturing practices, along with premium fabrics and finishes. I love that. I ordered some of their merino crew socks. And let me tell you something, my feet haven't been this happy since I took my very first steps as a small child. If I see them in my sock drawer, you know they're my number one pick. Indulge in affordable luxury. Go to quince.com so true. For free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q U-I-N-C-E.com so true. To get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com so true. That's pretty up.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Just because, like, boys are going through a lot right now.

[A]

I know the patriarchy harms men, too, and I don't give a fuck. No, I do care. Sorry, Carly. I do care about men. I got dinner with six of them last night.

[B]

That's true. Oh, my God. Well, I want you to be a lesbian for as long as you can be.

[A]

No, I think I will be. I just, I think I have this fear of, like, saying I'm a lesbian and then like, oh, who did you.

[B]

Vote for in the most recent election? Presidential.

[A]

I'd rather not say. Who did you vote for?

[B]

Trump? No. Could you imagine? No.

[A]

I voted for Kamala.

[B]

You voted for Kamala?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Does that surprise you?

[B]

Yeah. No, not really. I, I, I, yeah, I don't, I don't, I don't know. I don't really think about stuff like that. I'm kind of apolitical.

[A]

Yeah, you definitely are apolitical.

[B]

I don't really think about politics and stuff like that.

[A]

Yeah, no, neither do I. I think.

[B]

Standing politicians is such dork, loser ass, weirdo behavior, politicians.

[A]

It's like, you should have just been in high school theater. Like, you make me sick.

[B]

Yeah. But people, there's this whole culture of, like, standing politicians where people are like, like, even with the. Kamala, obviously. Trump and J.D. vance have their stands. Kamala, too, though. I'm like, people being, like, obsessed with them and wearing their faces on shirts. And I'm like, If you're not 18 to 21 years old, I'll give a pass for that. Only because of my behavior with Bernie Sanders. I will give a pass for that. Only because when I was 19, I was. Oh, boy, was I in for Bernie. And I still would love to vote for the guy.

[A]

Yeah, 100%.

[B]

But the stand behavior, the T shirts, the photo, the fucking selfies. The. I'm like, you're. You're a loser.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Well, it's like the celebrity. They make them celebrities. That's the only thing that we know how to do in America is like, to make these politicians celebrities.

[B]

We need to get back to standing Jesus Christ.

[A]

I actually love that guy.

[B]

Jesus Christ?

[A]

Yeah. With no religious affiliation.

[B]

He rocked as a guy. Probably pretty sick.

[A]

Yeah. I think he was definitely gay. He's turning water into wine. He's for the people. He was definitely very leftist.

[B]

You think Jesus is gay?

[A]

For sure.

[B]

You believe in God?

[A]

I believe in, like, to me, God is like nature and sort of like the love that we all share. I sort of believe it in a spiritual sense. And I know that makes you kind of sick to your stomach.

[B]

No, you've never asked me about my feelings on God.

[A]

No. I know that you probably believe in God in your own kind of way. I know you do say more about that. I just think you're the kind of guy that would be like. Like, it wouldn't surprise me if you were like, yeah, once a month I go to, like a non denominational church and like, I sing in the choir and. No, you definitely would. You have at some point. And I can feel that I have.

[B]

Never sang in the choir.

[A]

You were up to something at a church.

[B]

When we lift our voices, mine will not be able to. I do.

[A]

You were definitely up to something in a church growing up, and I know that for a fact.

[B]

I go. I. To this day, I go to Unitarian Universalist churches when I can.

[A]

Yeah, I like those too.

[B]

Those are cool. I like those.

[A]

Yeah. I like hearing when you have a spiritual practice because I'll try to talk to you about my spiritual ideas and you're like, you need to stop or leave my apartment.

[B]

Do you know what's funny? I have become pigeonholed into a certain type of person by you and our friends.

[A]

What is that person?

[B]

By being, like, rational and pretty funny. I joke around and then I get put into this role and I get put. So you guys think I. You guys. I know how you guys think of me. You think I'm this serious.

[A]

I don't think you're serious.

[B]

You think I'm this. You think I'm this serious guy who's. Oh, Caleb doesn't believe in crystals. Well, I don't. But you know what's funny, though? I do catch myself. I do, I do. Do you ever catch yourself playing your role in a way or like sometimes on this. On this podcast specifically. I think I said this in The Chris episode. I'll try something on in the moment. You ever try something on. You ever try on a personality trait and just, like, quickly discover that you actually don't like that 100%?

[A]

You know what I mean?

[B]

I'll try, but sometimes you get caught. You try something on. Like, sometimes it's so quick that, like, I did it with Chris where, like, I'll try on something and I'll. I'll be like, oh, you know, whatever. Like, you know, people who wear loose jeans or whatever. I'll say some big opinion, and then. And then the other person either won't respond to it in the right way or. Or they will, and I won't like that. And then I'll be like, oh, that wasn't the thing I like. But you ever try on, like, a personality or an opinion for too long? Oh, all of a sudden you're weeks into it and you're like, what the am I talking about?

[A]

Yeah, Yeah.

[B]

I don't know if it's like a comedian or, like, an artist thing where I' like, constantly. I'm always thinking about my point of view and, like, my little, you know.

[A]

Totally.

[B]

I don't know what it is, but sometimes I'll be like, weeks into a thought and I'll be like, that's not a good thought.

[A]

Totally. You know. You know, I'm there all the time. Well, I think it's like, yeah, so much of, like, being a performer. It's, you know, you're constantly thinking about your identity and. Yeah, like, you said your point of view. And then it's like, I'm in the house. I'm living alone for the first time. So I'll be singing, like, solo karaoke. And I'm like, this is really powerful, you know? And then I'm, like, doing a spell, lighting a candle, and it's like, this has to end.

[B]

The spells do have to stop.

[A]

I know. The spells really have to end.

[B]

The spells and the cryst people.

[A]

I don't. I'm not a crystal girl. You may as well let a have a rock.

[B]

You may as well be. I'm sorry, but the. The sage and the.

[A]

I don't stage. That's a close practice.

[B]

Sorry. The. Whatever. The. The. I can't even think of all the names the. That you guys do. You. And the lesbians that you run around with. It's just. I have a hard time with the tarot cards and stuff.

[A]

Oh, I love a tarot card. I think a tarot reading would.

[B]

Oh, it's fun. I just Don't.

[A]

Have you gotten one?

[B]

What, Tarot reading? Yeah, no, I have.

[A]

Would you rather go to therapy or get a tarot reading?

[B]

Therapy or tarot reading? Well, both are fake. No, no, guys, see, that's the thing I was trying on.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't even think therapy is real and good. Most people need it. Not me. No. I think I would. I think I would benefit from therapy. I've done therapy. I benefited from it during the time I was in it. But then we quickly got to a point where I feel like I was in charge, and I was like, well.

[A]

I could do this at home. And honestly, I really believe I was.

[B]

Like, well, I could probably figure that out. Yeah. Tarot. What is tarot? It's just a deck of cards, and they say, oh, you're the slithery snake.

[A]

Yeah, they have, like, you know, each card has a meaning. And I think it's not so much about, oh, like, it's magic. I think it's about finding, you know, sort of a. Whatever the tarot reading is being like, oh, this idea, you know, I relate to, or I don't. Taking what resonates and leaving the rest kind of thing.

[B]

You do have anything. You could put a candy wrapper on the table and say, yeah, you're gonna have a good future. I relate to it, or I don't. Why does it need to be a special little deck of cards?

[A]

I don't know. It's like, they're beautiful.

[B]

Oh, I do think they're. I like the designs. I like the Fool.

[A]

Yeah. And, you know, that makes a lot of sense.

[B]

I've thought about getting that one as a tattoo. I like him.

[A]

No, I'm obsessed with that.

[B]

His little scepter or whatever.

[A]

No, it's cute, but I like him. Can you get a tattoo if you don't like tarot?

[B]

Oh, of course. You can do anything you want.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

There's nobody stopping you from doing anything pretty much all the time. Time.

[A]

No, that's true. I would like to exercise my free will a little more. Yeah, but do we have free will?

[B]

Like, that's a great question. I think. Yes. I think. Yes. I'm. I'm team. We have free will.

[A]

I think we do, too.

[B]

I mean, what would the alternative be that we don't.

[A]

I think there are, like, certain limitations that.

[B]

On free will.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What are. How.

[A]

Who.

[B]

What are the. What is the source of the limitation?

[A]

Fascism.

[B]

Fascism. Well, but we still have free will. We just might be met with, you know.

[A]

Yeah. Consequences.

[B]

Consequences. But the Free will is there. Yeah, yeah, I do. I do think about, you know, when you talk about like coming out and stuff, like in terms of the conversation on fascism and how quickly we're seem to be headed there, the people, people talk about like, oh, you know, it's not fair to expect people to come out when things are getting so dangerous for being out again. And I'm like, oh, so what, you're going to die a coward's death? So what, you're gonna live in the closet because you were too scared of the consequences of being out? It's time to come out.

[A]

I completely agree.

[B]

I just think like, yeah, there's consequences, but like, let's be brave.

[A]

How about, would you out someone?

[B]

No, it's not my business to out them. But I, I ridicule those who don't do it themselves. That's my, that's my consequence for their free will. I do. And look, if you're like a trans teenager in Alabama, hey, keep tight.

[A]

I get it.

[B]

Hey, you stay in that closet as long as you need to, baby. I love you. We're here for you when you're ready. If you're a 35 year old project manager in Brooklyn, come on out. I don't want to. I don't want to hear about the, the fear of coming out. Shut up about that and come out and say that you're here because people need to know that we're everywhere.

[A]

No. 100%.

[B]

I think about free will when I think of that.

[A]

Yeah, no, that makes a lot of sense. I remember coming out and like, nobody gave a. Like I was.

[B]

Hey, I would have cared.

[A]

No, no, I know. I like came out to my roommate and we were like sobbing outside of Lost Lake in Chicago. I. I was sobbing. I'm like on the ground like, I'm gay. And she was like, I know. She's like, I don't care. And I was like, really? Like not even like a.

[B]

Not even a little bit, huh?

[A]

Yeah. Like three people, same response each time.

[B]

Did you have a crush on her?

[A]

No.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

No, like good, good friend. Yeah, no worries. Did you like anyone you came out to crush? I know you came out as bi first, which is one of my favorite things about you.

[B]

I did. Which is beautiful. That's beautiful. Do I have a crush on anyone I came out to? I. The first person I ever properly came out to was a guy that I was hooking up with.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like giving him a hand job. He's like, yeah, I know. You know?

[B]

Yeah, well, we were hooking up in high school, and I had suspected that he was gay because of all of his behavior.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

His voice and his way walked and everything. And so I. I invited him over to hang out one on one when my mom was at work, and I was like, you should come over and hang out sometime. He was like, I would love to. And I was like, okay. You know, and then he came over, and we did. I. I made some moves, which are the scariest moves you'll ever make in your life. Oh, my God.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When you're in the closet and you're making a move on someone that you don't know if they're gay or not, like, the most horrifying things really is. And everything is so. You think you're being so overt, but everything's so subtle.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You're, like, handing them a drink and, like, grazing their hand with your pinky and being like, I just. I just gave him a hand job. Like, it's. It feels so overt and brazen, you know? And then, yeah, we came out to each other, and then we're hooking up for a while.

[A]

Okay, so the coming out happened before the hookup?

[B]

No, the hookup happened, and then it was like, no, the hookup happened, and then I immediately took a shower. I didn't know what else to do. I was just like, I'm all gross. So I went and took a shower, and he just hung out in my room.

[A]

Yeah. Washed off the sin.

[B]

And then he was like, did you just take a shower? And I was like, yeah. And he was like, okay. And I was like, so are you gay? And he was like, I think so. And I was like, same. We're still good friends to this day.

[A]

Oh, I love that.

[B]

I said. I mentioned his name in an interview recently when I was telling that story in, like, a. A big publication that. I was like, people will. I don't know if they're gonna run it or not, but I text him, and I was like, hey, I don't want to. Like, I don't know if you're cool with me talking about this, but I. I said your name, and I talked a little bit about us. Do you want me to text them and tell them to cut it? And he was like, no, no, that's fine. And then they didn't end up running it anyway, so I was. It was no big deal. Yeah, but. But yeah, he's still a good friend of mine today.

[A]

Oh, my God, I love that.

[B]

Love that guy.

[A]

I love that so much.

[B]

Yeah. Anyway, now I'm gay all the time.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Same part time gay back then, gay full time now.

[A]

Yeah, I've been kind of on a.

[B]

Pause as a job, pretty much. You've been on a pause from gay? Yeah, I've been really ramping it up. I'm getting gayer and gayer. I'm like worried about my 30s.

[A]

No, I think it's gonna be really good.

[B]

I'm worried about my 40s, actually. I don't know how I might. Don't know how.

[A]

You're gonna be locked in by 40.

[B]

Locked in on gay?

[A]

Yeah, like locked in husband.

[B]

Hopefully sooner than that.

[A]

Yeah, but that's what I'm saying. I think you're gonna be like about 15 years into a marriage by your 40s. Well, no, no, I'm just running the math.

[B]

I'm just running the math. And I'd have to get started about five years ago. You want marriage?

[A]

No.

[B]

No. You don't want marriage?

[A]

No.

[B]

No kids?

[A]

No.

[B]

Disgusting.

[A]

You want kids?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So how many? Three.

[B]

I'm. Look, here's the deal. The further I get into my gorgeous style, the more I wonder how much I want kids. My lifestyle is so beautiful. And when I think about my lifestyle, I think I might love it more than I love children. I do feel like I love my lifestyle. I love kids.

[A]

You. You do love kids. And you're so good with kids. I could see you having a kid and being like, well, I made a mistake.

[B]

Well, I've wanted a dog for a year and haven't been able to justify it. You know what I mean? So I do worry. I do. I told. I told my mom recently. I was like, I think I'm gonna get a dog in private and not post about it or anything so that if I don't like it, I can return it without getting. And she was. I was like, I don't want to get in trouble with people. She was like, are you serious? I was like, no, obviously I'm kidding. If I get the dog, I'm keeping it. But with a kid, you really are locked in with them.

[A]

You really are locked in. And some people do have kids and they regret it. And like, that's fair.

[B]

And it's too bad because they're your. They're your immutable property. 40.

[A]

Yeah. My parents regretted it for sure.

[B]

You think?

[A]

Oh, yeah, I kind of know.

[B]

Oh. Did that have an impact on you? I'd say so.

[A]

You know, I think you know me pretty well, you know.

[B]

Yeah, I can see the tendrils of that I can see. I can see the the ripples of that. Yeah, Dry does not have to be Boring okay with Athletic Brewing coast fun and flavorful Non alcoholic beers There are so many ways to incorporate athletic in a bruise into your life. You could try doing an athletic February where at the end of a long work week when Friday rolls around, you crack open a fresh can of their Run Wild ipa. Or maybe try going damp, something I would hate for my socks to be in the winter, but it's a great way to still enjoy your traditional favorite beverages while spicing things up with a delicious and crispy athletic light. Every other drink, no matter what you're looking for in a great non alcoholic brew, the answer is always athletic. Great flavor. It's athletic. Award winning styles. Yeah, it's athletic. And they donate up to a hundred thousand dollars annually to organizations making a difference for marginalized communities through their Impact Brew series. There's nothing dry about Athletic Brewing Co. Non alcoholic brews. Give it a try and head to athletic brewing.com so true to find it near you. That's athleticbrewing.com S O T R U E to grab some fun and flavorful, flavorful brews near you. Athletic Brewing Co. Fit for all times Near Beer the start of a new year is the perfect time to get organized, set goals and prioritize what matters most. For me, the top priority is my financial wellness, which feels more important than ever. Thanks to Rocket Money, my goals feel achievable. They show me all my subscriptions right in one place and help me easily cancel ones that I forgot I've been paying for. Rocket Money also pulls together all of my spending across all my different accounts so I can clearly check my spinning habits and see where I can cut back. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. See all of your subscriptions in one place and know exactly where your money is going. For ones you don't want anymore, Rocket Money can help you cancel them. Rocket Money's dashboard gives you a clear view of your expenses across all your accounts. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of 500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year. When using all the apps Premium fees feature, cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to rocket money.com so true today. That's rocketmoney.com so true. Rocket money.com so true. Yeah I do want. If I find someone who wants kids, and it feels like we could do kids, I would love to do kids. And I would love to do three or four kids. But if I found someone who wanted zero kids, I would do zero kids. If I found someone who wanted one kid, I would do one kid.

[A]

You're flexible.

[B]

I don't want a wedding. Oh, God, do I hate weddings.

[A]

I feel like you would throw, like, a party or something. You would do something.

[B]

I'll do a party.

[A]

Celebrate.

[B]

I'll do a party. But no gifts, no dress code. No. No sending out a fucking piece of paper in the mail and begging someone to come to wherever I'm at. Oh, God, I hate weddings.

[A]

Weddings are. I have a lot of fun when I'm at them, but I'm really bad about, like, getting gifts. I'm really bad about being, like, a respectful guest in that way of. I have a really tough time with them.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I. I'm. I do tend to have fun at weddings.

[B]

Oh, I'll have a blast once I get there. I just don't. I don't like the implication. It's so presumptuous.

[A]

It really is. So presumptuous.

[B]

Yeah. I'm gonna come to Cedar Rapids. What?

[A]

Or even when they're travel destinations. It's like, you got to be kidding me. I just feel like if I ever had a wedding, I would have to be rich enough where I could pay for everyone. Because I'm like, I'm not gonna ask a bunch of people to do this.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, I don't feel I'd like to.

[B]

Get married at the courthouse.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then I'd like to send an email or a text or something.

[A]

You. You send a particle, basically, to everyone.

[B]

We love and just say, hey, we got married. We're gonna throw a party in three months. Come if you want. No dress code, no gifts. If you can't make it, we do not care.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Love you to death. Goodbye.

[A]

No, that's. That's. That's. If I got married for, like, insurance or something, I'd do the same thing.

[B]

Married for insurance. How are you, by the way?

[A]

Hey, let me tell you, my boss won't give me insurance, so.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. I signed a contract and everything, but he's pretty loaded.

[B]

Shouldn't he just give you insurance?

[A]

I completely agree. I followed up three times.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So, you know, marriage looking pretty good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You want to do it? I'd be your surrogate.

[B]

I like, pretty close. I'm. Yeah. Yeah. I'm pretty Close to asking you about that.

[A]

Yeah, that's like all I've ever wanted.

[B]

I'm pretty close to being like, do you want to just get married for the benefits? Whatever gay guy I find. We'll just be like buddies. I'll have a kid. He can help out with the kid if he wants to.

[A]

Maybe we'll have like one special night.

[B]

No, we'd go to the doctor. You and home's both with this. Every lesbian I asked to have my kids are both. Are both. It's all. It's always with the. Can we do it the. The old school way? No, there'll be test tubes involved.

[A]

Oh, I'm not doing shots.

[B]

You don't have shots. But you're going to go to the doctor for the semen. I'm not. I'm not. We're not having sex. It's just messy. Literally.

[A]

Well, if you ever change your mind, you know how I feel. I won't push you into a voicemail. A voicemail?

[B]

You want to do a voicemail from the fans?

[A]

Oh, my God, yes.

[B]

Would that be kind of fun?

[A]

It'd be so fun.

[B]

I always forget to do it because I'm always chit chatting the day away. But with you, I feel so comfortable.

[A]

I love that. Let's hear it.

[B]

Okay. Put on your little headphones.

[A]

Do you feel like a lot of these are unhinged?

[B]

My fans are. Yeah. They're not hinged, I'll tell you that much. What? Which one's the right and left? Okay. Yeah. My fans are a special group of people that are going through a series.

[A]

Of circumstances and I gotta say, I'm gonna need your help again. And I don't think this one's on me. Oh.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Got it.

[B]

Let's hear it.

[A]

Hey, Caleb and guest. I am just wondering and wanting to know the truth about where bugs go when it starts to get freezing cold outside. Do they go underground? I know you're not a scientist, but I feel like you might know the answer to this. Thanks.

[B]

Okay. Huh.

[A]

What are your.

[B]

Loving them, by the way?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Loving the question. Loving them. What do I think where bugs go, they probably die, right?

[A]

I think they do die.

[B]

I think they die.

[A]

Worms go underground. I know that mosquitoes seem to be here year round.

[B]

Yeah, they're comfortable. That was a really good question. And I don't know, I'm gonna. You don't think all bugs die?

[A]

Do they go south?

[B]

Where would we get new bugs? All right, Chance. Hey, you're making too much sense, brother. Stay out of Here. Chance said they can't all die. Where would we get new bugs? And he's right.

[A]

I mean, I'll tell you where the cockroaches are.

[B]

Are they at your place?

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

What? Oh, that's gross.

[A]

No, not at this place, but at my last place.

[B]

Oh, well, you had rat. You had mice at your last place?

[A]

Relax.

[B]

I was sitting on the dang couch, and I saw a scurry up the wall.

[A]

Well, no one told us.

[B]

I did. I told you immediately you told us.

[A]

But I remember home stayed and. And later they were like, yeah, they're about like three mice. And I was like, what the.

[B]

I said, yeah, you got. I immediately I said, you guys have.

[A]

It was really bad.

[B]

Yeah, that's gross. Not anything you can control, though. That's just New York City, I think.

[A]

I know. I know.

[B]

Doesn't happen at my place, but I know.

[A]

I just. I have a lot of guilt for how we got rid of them, but.

[B]

How'D you get rid of them?

[A]

Just like those. The kind of in. In the snap. I would cry every single time I started getting candles. I'd put them in my window for each one.

[B]

The sort of inhuman snap. Would you hear them get snapped?

[A]

They'd cry. They'd cry, and I couldn't handle it. I don't feel good about this. I don't feel good.

[B]

They cry. They cry. Why? It's the silent of the lamb.

[A]

I feel like, is that my iPhone alarm? And it just be.

[B]

They'd cry. They'd cry. And then you. You lit candles for them. Yeah, that's the kind of. I'm talking about with the.

[A]

I felt healing, but then it was sort of like, well, maybe we just like, do this in a more. Or. Or the. The glue. The glue ones. We do, too.

[B]

Oh, God. And they're start trying to gnaw their own shit off. It doesn't work. Yeah. That's really sad.

[A]

Well, I wanted to get the ones that, like, you know, it just closes in on them, and then you can bring them to the park. Well, our neighbors told us. They were like, don't do that. Because we did that. We brought him to the park, and the minute that he got out, Hawk.

[B]

Swooped down much more painful death. You'd rather be snapped, don't you think.

[A]

Than captured by a hawk? I think so.

[B]

I'd rather be snapped. What would you, given your choice, you rather be stuck to a glue thing till you die, captured by hawk, or snapped?

[A]

I think captured by Hawk?

[B]

Go.

[A]

More a natural way.

[B]

I'm going snapped. I want to die quick and I don't want to know what happened. I want something to just, you know. Yeah, definitely not captured by a hawk. I don't want to be cucked on my way out. And glue trap is so pathetic. Like, oh, I'm stuck.

[A]

I know the stuck. I can't even think about it. I could cry.

[B]

I did that to living beings. No, I'm sorry. The thing is, Carly really will cry and I. I get it, actually. Be responsible. I can't be responsible for that today.

[A]

No, I believe my roommate.

[B]

It would be so. It would be so horrible to be captured by hawk. Cuz not only are you going to die, but you're also. You're like a loser. Pathetic. You're getting bullied by a bird.

[A]

I don't know. It's a cycle of nature. And like, to be fair, I've had my own experiences with hawks where.

[B]

What, what, what happened?

[A]

One time I was like zip lining and.

[B]

Oh my God. Yeah, I know about this.

[A]

And you know, I was having a great time. I didn't realize but I got off the zipline and kids were really upset and I. I had body checked. A hawk to death. Fell right out of the sky. Died.

[B]

Were you covered in blood or anything?

[A]

No, no, the. The bird was sort of kind of like an omen for the rest of my life. My parents literally got divorced two weeks later.

[B]

Sorry, just so I'm up on the story, because I know the story, but I just want to make sure I'm understanding fully. You were ziplining. You hit a hawk in the air, it died, Your parents got divorced.

[A]

Yeah. And so the zipline, we were in Montana. So it's like one time, they were like one time a guy was ziplining and like a mountain lion was kind of jumping up at him, really scary. So they named the zipline after him. And then they named that zipline Carly Bird killer.

[B]

Carly Bird kill.

[A]

Doesn't feel good.

[B]

How, how was your parents marriage before the hawk? Was it healthy?

[A]

Like I said, they didn't want kids.

[B]

It'd be so funny if everything was like pretty good before the hawk.

[A]

I would say things were like, we didn't quite like. I didn't really know how bad it was, but I wouldn't say it was great.

[B]

Yeah, well, my favorite, my favorite story probably about anyone ever is the fact that your dad gets frisked before he walks into establishments in your hometown and they're not looking for a gun or a weapon, they're frisking him for a harmonica.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Because he won't stop playing harmonica.

[A]

He literally will not stop playing harmonica. It's really bad. He ruined a lot of. You know, we'd be at like an Applebee's and it'd be music night and he'd disappear and we'd be like, where the fuck is he? And he is just kind of creeping up on this poor 19 year old, you know, Mumford and Sons looking guy. And he's just ripping on the harmonica so off key. And this poor kid is like, you know, like horrified. And we would just leave the restaurant. We'd be like, get up and go. We'd be like, dad's up there and we gotta go. And we left him at so many places. He does it at weddings. He literally has asked at like big concerts and they're like, you can't play.

[B]

It's my favorite. It's my favorite thing about anyone ever. To be a guy who's so insistent on playing the harmonica that there are like public safety systems being put in place in a mutual aid fashion. People are coming together and sharing information to stop this guy from playing the harmonica.

[A]

And he has a case on him always.

[B]

Oh my God, he's iconic.

[A]

He'll play in the car, picking up from school. I mean now it's like he's gotten pretty good. He's like in a band now. And I'm so sorry, dad, but even I'll go and see him perform. Cause like he is good now, you know, and I want to support his dreams.

[B]

He's been practicing.

[A]

Even on these nights. It's like a full band, right? So everyone gets their solos and they have to tell my dad to stop. They're like, hey, Kevin, it's time for the bassist. You know, he's completely unaware.

[B]

He fucking loves harmonica. Dude. That's beautiful.

[A]

It is beautiful, but it's kind of like read a room.

[B]

Oh my God, that's fucking hilarious. For even his own band to have to be like, man, look, we're happy to give you your moment, but it's gotta be a moment.

[A]

Oh, it gives me the ick. I'm like watching all these 50 year old men look at each other to like how to get my dad to stop. Cause his solo's over.

[B]

They're like, they're like.

[A]

And I'm like recording, trying to be supportive and then I just have to like kind of put the, put the.

[B]

Phone down and have to cut out the lead singer making eyes at my dad to stop playing harmonica. Oh my God, dude, probably have a segment for you.

[A]

Let's go.

[B]

You ready for this? Yep. All right. This is an iconic segment on the show, the true or false segment. I'm Gonna read you 15 statements, okay? You're gonna tell me as quickly as you can if you think it's true or false.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

If you get 10 or more correct, I'm gonna give you 50 US dollars.

[A]

Are you serious?

[B]

I'm very serious. In the way that, you know. We'll see, but. You ready? China only has one time zone.

[A]

False.

[B]

True. California produces more toothpicks than any other state in the U.S. true. False. Maine bald eagles can swim.

[A]

False.

[B]

True.

[A]

I'm going to myself today on this podcast.

[B]

The singer Pink, is from Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania.

[A]

That's false because she's from my hometown and I'm Doylestown, and you have something.

[B]

To say about that.

[A]

And I Bridge Over Troubled Waters. I sang the solo, and she was the last person to sing it. I didn't do well.

[B]

Okay. Zip code stands for zoning identification pin.

[A]

True.

[B]

False. Zone improvement plan. A group of a dozen or more cows is called a flink.

[A]

False.

[B]

True. The ma. You're only gonna get the Doyles done. The mascot of Columbia College Chicago is a barista.

[A]

False.

[B]

Well, it's the Renegades. Technically, more Siberian tigers live in zoos than in the wild.

[A]

True.

[B]

True. Apples are the most consumed fruit in the world.

[A]

True.

[B]

False. Mangoes. Steel is 100 recyclable.

[A]

Say that again.

[B]

Steel is 100 recyclable.

[A]

True.

[B]

True. Australia is the only continent without an active volcano.

[A]

True.

[B]

True. Paul Giamatti's dad was the commissioner of Major league baseball for five months.

[A]

True.

[B]

True. There are 10 planets in our solar system.

[A]

False.

[B]

False. There's eight. A Chicago handshake is a shot of Malort in a pbr.

[A]

True.

[B]

False. Shot of Malort in an old style. The PSP came out after the PlayStation 3.

[A]

True.

[B]

False. How'd she do seven?

[A]

Pretty rough. I failed out of high school, so keep that in mind.

[B]

Didn't you go to college?

[A]

I did. It was a. I kind of. I.

[B]

No worries.

[A]

I was it.

[B]

Yeah, no worries. Don't. Actually, don't. Hey, don't even worry about that. I don't know what kind of trouble we're gonna get you into with different accrediting. I don't want to do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Carly Kane, what's so true to you?

[A]

So many things, Caleb.

[B]

Oh, yeah. So you prepared.

[A]

What's so true to me is that I think if you're gonna be polyamorous, you gotta take a course.

[B]

Don't get me started, darling.

[A]

I, I listen, I like the ideas of polyamory. I'm all about, you know, not going for the nuclear family. However, I want to see you at SUNY taking a fucking four week course on to get certified at SUNY New Paltz. Yeah, there's a lot of malpractice out here.

[B]

And it would be new pulse.

[A]

Yeah, it would be new pulse. You want to take me bowling and then, you know, fuck me in your girlfriend's bed. I want to see that certificate slamming against the wall. And that's what's so true to me. I mean, how do you feel about polyamory?

[B]

Oh, I don't know. I abhor it. I abhor it. I don't understand. What are you talking about? One person's not good enough for you. Get a grip.

[A]

That's what I'm saying. Who has the time?

[B]

Who has the time? And also, like, oh, my God.

[A]

It is like, communicate. Nobody's talking.

[B]

I don't. I just don't. My problem is they're talking too much there. There's too much communication from where I'm at. You had a different situation. But I'm like, I'm like, oh, God. The like, hey, tonight you're my primary, and you'll always be my primary, and you know that. But tonight, my secondary and my tertiary, we want to go to paintball and we're just. We want to go to paintball with just us. But that's not because we don't love you. It's just like, sometimes when you love someone, you need to give them to me. And I'm just like, shut the fuck up. Shut up.

[A]

I know. I'm just saying, like, I feel like people that are polyamorous, the people that you are then like, dating, spend their entire lives processing what you're putting them through. And it's like, fucking stop. Yeah, just stop. Or like, just read a fucking book.

[B]

Yeah. I tell my poly friends all the time, I wish you would stop. Steve Hernandez. Steve Hernandez is one of my, My most famous poly friends. I'm not kidding. I texted him three days ago and said, I wish you loved your wife enough to only want.

[A]

I do feel like he does do polyamory. Right.

[B]

Their relationship is beautiful. They're really killing it. But it's like, one of the only poly cases.

[A]

It's one of the only poly cases. It's very few and far between. And I just think, like, let's just put a little effort into it.

[B]

Those two were really meant to find each other.

[A]

I agree.

[B]

It's crazy.

[A]

They have a beautiful.

[B]

They have a beautiful love. And I don't think it's because of Paulie. I think Paulie is able to. I think Paulie is able to work with them because their love could survive.

[A]

Yes. Yes. 100%.

[B]

Yeah. I don't think their love is beautiful because of Poly. I think their love is beautiful in spite of Polly. Polly.

[A]

Totally. Yeah.

[B]

Do you know what I mean? And now they've got a kid in that freak show. Golly.

[A]

Typing.

[B]

Golly. There goes the clicks. I'll be. I'll be getting a text about that. Hey, do we want to leave this one in or no? We'll leave it in. Steve will like that, and so will Julia. And so will Hilda. Someday she won't appreciate it yet. She's too young. But some days she'll appreciate that.

[A]

Beautiful child. Wild.

[B]

Someday. Someday when I'm long gone off this earth, Hilda will watch this episode and. And appreciate who I was in her.

[A]

Life for a long time.

[B]

A guy she saw for a couple once a. Once every year. Once every year or so. You think I'm gonna live a long time? Yeah. When do you think I'll die?

[A]

I think mid-80s.

[B]

Whoa. I do not see that for me.

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

I think I'll either live forever and literally never die. Like I'll be the first person they figure that out with, or pretty soon.

[A]

I'll tell you what. I'm getting hit by a bus before 45.

[B]

I think so.

[A]

100%.

[B]

Oh, my goodness.

[A]

I think I'm gonna die in some kind of vehicular situation.

[B]

That's horrible.

[A]

I'm just so bad at driving.

[B]

You should move to that island off Michigan where they don't do cars.

[A]

I really think.

[B]

Yeah, that'd be good for you.

[A]

I agree.

[B]

You need to go to the woods.

[A]

Don't you know it.

[B]

I see it for you.

[A]

Yeah. I'll be living in the woods eventually.

[B]

Yeah, I know. You'll have a farm or something. Yeah, That'll be so cute.

[A]

You know what? Something interesting I Learned. What only 10 of people die by sort of something like that. 90 of people die by disease.

[B]

All right, well, Corey, thank you so much for being on. This was a lot of fun. Love you, girl.

[A]

Having me. Caleb, I'm obsessed with you.

[B]

I'm obsessed with you as well. That was a very strange thing to say. And I'm really off put by that. That bringing up disease in that way was crazy.

[A]

I know. I'm just, like, learning a lot about death right now.

[B]

So I know you're like, training to be a death doula. I really want to talk about that. We'll talk about it on the Patreon. Sorry, guys, we gotta go. Love you to death. You want to tell people where to find you?

[A]

You can find me on, you know these destroyed meta platforms. I'd say Instagram. I'm on the most.

[B]

Yeah. ICarly Kane at iCarly Kane. You're one of the only. You're one of the only handles. I think I know.

[A]

Oh my God.

[B]

Cuz I've tagged you so many times.

[A]

That could literally make me cry.

[B]

That's crazy. That's the thing. We have such a beautiful friendship and that's the thing that moves you.

[A]

Well, it's just one of the things. You know, I, like, cried in front of you all the time.

[B]

I do know that. Love you.

[A]

Love you.

[B]

That was a hit.

[A]

Gum podcast.

[C]

Hey, it's Nicole Byer here. Let me ask you something. Are you tired of endless swiping on dating apps? Fed up with awkward first dates and disappointing hookups?

[B]

Girl.

[C]

Same. Welcome to why Won't yout Date Me? The podcast where I figure out love and how to suck less at dating. Each week, I get real with comedians, friends, and celebrities about their love lives. We swap dating horror stories, awkward hookups, and dive into the messy and wonderful world of relationships. I've chatted with amazing guests like Conan O'Brien, Whitney Cummings, Sarah Silverman, Trixie Mattel, Tiffany Hadditch, and so many more. So whether you're single, mingling or booed up, there's something in it for everyone. Tune into why won't you date me with me, Nicole Byer, and discover insights that might just save you from your next dating disaster. Listen and subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. And catch full video episodes on YouTube. New episodes drop every Friday.