Carly Kane Returns

Summary

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So True with Caleb Hearon – "Carly Kane Returns"

Episode Air Date: August 28, 2025
Guest: Carly Kane
Host: Caleb Hearon
Podcast Network: Headgum

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Overview

This week on "So True," comedian Caleb Hearon welcomes back close friend and comedian Carly Kane for another round of candid, meandering, and hilarious conversation. The episode dives deeply into customer service horror stories, the psychics and ghosts that haunt queer apartments, the fragile boundaries of queer friendship, memorable restaurant jobs, weird management, and the urgent, communal yearning for autumn. It is both tender and frequently unhinged, with both friends riffing on vulnerability, boundaries, and the chaos of being gay, alive, and just trying to “sort it all out.”

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Customer Service Nightmares & Work Trauma

[00:55–04:35]

• E-bikes & Customer Service Despair: Carly vents about the NYC heat and the frustration with electric bikes that won’t dock; both commiserate over how customer service has gotten worse, especially at giants like Verizon and Citi Bike.
• Caleb on Customer Service Jobs: He recounts working as a senator’s receptionist for Claire McCaskill, referencing hostile, sometimes bizarre, constituent calls.
  • "People would call and they'd be like: 'That dumb—' and I'd be like, 'Okay, we're not gonna do that.'" – Caleb [03:10]
• Restaurant and Pharma Customer Service: Carly describes working at a pharma company and how fraught calls about medication were. Both agree restaurant work was more traumatic but yielded wilder stories.

2. Queer Friendship and Touch Boundaries

[04:41–08:16]

• Flirting and Boundaries: Carly jokes about flirting with gay men at her tables and playfully needling Caleb for not accepting her playful touches:
  • "The minute I try to flirt with you, you're like: 'No touching! Boundaries!'" – Carly [05:00]
• Coffee Shop Vulnerability: Caleb shares an unusually vulnerable moment with Carly in a coffee shop, which is instantly derailed by a fan interrupting to say hi, making him feel exposed.
  • "I was being uncharacteristically, like, raw... I feel sometimes like more of an idea than a person lately." – Caleb [06:03]
• Touch Starved Friends: Caleb jokes about having a “type”: lesbians who are touch-starved, feral, and insane. Carly admits she can’t fully relate but, “I understand.” [08:16]

3. Tattoos, Cultural Symbols, and Language Fantasies

[08:29–11:57]

• Painful Tattoos: Carly recounts getting a shin tattoo in Hartford while shoeless and how the pain made her claw up the plastic on the chair.
• Swastika Story: Unpacks how cultural ignorance led a college friend to get a swastika tattoo, supposedly as a Buddhist symbol.
• Languages: The duo discusses which languages they'd like to magically acquire:
  • Caleb: Mandarin, imagining going viral as the white guy who “stuns at the Chinese restaurant.”
  • Carly: Spanish, though admits she struggled to retain it in school.

4. Injury Conspiracies and Sudden Language Acquisition

[11:59–13:39]

• FedEx Accident Urban Legend: Carly floats the urban legend that if you get hit by a FedEx truck, you get a $2 million payout—information gleaned from a man at Rockaway Beach. Caleb is skeptical.
• Brain Trauma/Learning Languages: They joke about stories of concussion leading to spontaneous foreign language fluency and segue into beliefs about the supernatural.

5. Ghosts, Hauntings & Queer Spirituality

[13:39–16:56]

• The Lesbian Ghost Cohort: Carly earnestly shares that she believes her grandfather (Poppy) is haunting her Brooklyn apartment, based on a friend’s psychic senses.
• Caleb’s Skepticism: Caleb counters that flickering lights and depression are not evidence of ghosts and jokes about “batshit” lesbian friends.
• *Ghost Sex: The segment devolves into queer ghost erotica and the moral quandaries of spectral incest.
  • "What if the only way he can move on is if he fucks you? What if Poppy's a really good guy, but he can't leave Purgatory until he fucks his granddaughter?" – Caleb [14:54]

6. Losing Your Mind & Queer Psychosis

[17:57–18:44]

• Schizophrenia Fears: Both share the fear of losing their minds or having a psychotic break; Carly jokes that, if Caleb did, he could “snap out of it.”
  • "You'd look in the mirror and be like, we're done with this." – Carly [18:39]

7. Workplace Catastrophes and Restaurant Culture

[23:05–34:36]

• Job Disaster Swap: Carly confesses to eating leftover fries from plates and being fed by a busser who liked watching her eat (“unblinking”). Caleb calls a former boss live for character witness. Both recount restaurant jobs as breeding grounds for misbehavior and mayhem.
  • "I'd empty [fries] into my server thing, and go to the bathroom and eat them." – Carly [23:09]
  • "At Applebee's, my boss would play 'I'll Be' and barely not cry." – Caleb [33:07]
• Communal STIs: Carly details a chlamydia outbreak at her Italian restaurant job, where “every level of service had chlamydia.”

8. Restaurant Romance, Management, and Small Town Memories

[34:57–36:11]

• Queer Romance at Work: Carly asks Caleb about queer romance in restaurant life. He had none; “There were no gay people where I grew up.”
• Small Town Eats: Both reminisce on Applebee's and Outback as high cuisine in their hometowns, praising the power of half-off appetizers.

9. Smoking, Fashion, & Self-Presentation

[37:00–41:38]

• Smoking Aesthetics: They riff on the hot/cool look of smoking, despite both finding the reality kind of disgusting. Caleb has never smoked; Carly insists he’d “hold it wrong.”
  • "You'd use your back two fingers. Like Mr. Bean." – Carly [39:06]
• Fashion Inadequacies: Caleb reflects on not feeling “carefree” or cool in fashion, just “careless.” Carly echoes not caring about designers and both lament lack of time and style to look effortless.
• Designer Name Snobbery:
  • "Why is it spelled like that? And then they do the little croissant, and it's like: shut up." – Carly [41:38]

10. Standing Up for Yourself & Unhinged Hamptons Energy

[42:50–45:43]

• Petty Slights: Caleb recalls being condescended to about “haberdashery” as a teen; Carly almost goes off on a Hamptons shop lady for body-shaming her friend. Both admit to letting a lot of minor slights go but feeling near a breaking point.
  • "The more people call me nice, the more I want to prove them wrong." – Carly [45:49]

11. Pets, Cat Psychics, and Emotional Support Animals

[46:06–48:30]

• Carly’s Persian Cat: She describes her devotion to her flat-faced cat, Walter, and shares about a gift psychic reading revealing his "ADHD" and wish for a cape.
• Caleb’s Reluctance: Caleb is skeptical about both the cat psychic and Walter’s “menacing” looks but takes it in stride.

12. Seasonal Feelings: Overrated Summer, Queer Christian Autumn

[48:35–50:54]

• Why Summer Sucks: Carly claims “Summer’s really overrated” and details the misery of sweating through five pairs of underwear daily. Caleb declares autumn the perfect season, noting nostalgia, folk music, and Halloween’s queer resonance.

13. Weirdness, Astrology, and Rapidfire True/False

[51:18–54:42]

• How Strange Is Carly?: Caleb rates her a “public 4–5, private 7” and they compare astrological charts (Aquarius, Scorpio, Leo placements, and more).
• True/False Quiz: Carly plays a feverish round of trivia for $50, getting rapid-fire facts right and wrong.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Caleb (on customer service):
  “Verizon is going to hell... They don’t care. Everything’s gotten so much worse.” [01:05]

• Carly (on ghosts):
  “Grandpa was wrestling in the space… Sometimes I step back there, I start to cry. My cat stares into it.” [13:27]

• Caleb (on restaurant pay):
  “I am alive today because, during multiple times when I was too broke to live, you gave me chicken wings for $3.” [35:53]

• Carly (on being called nice):
  “The more people call me nice, the more I want to prove them wrong.” [45:49]

• Caleb (on autumn):
  “It’s so clear to me that autumn is the most ideal season that we have, and people don’t respect it enough.” [49:36]

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Highlighted Segments with Timestamps

• Customer Service Jobs & Stories: [00:55–04:35]
• Queer Friendship & Boundaries: [04:41–08:16]
• Tattoo & Swastika Story: [08:29–10:21]
• FedEx Truck Urban Legend & Ghost Discourse: [11:59–16:56]
• Restaurant Mayhem & STIs: [23:05–34:36]
• Applebee’s & Outback Memories: [35:21–36:11]
• Smoking & Fashion Confidence: [37:00–41:38]
• Being “Nice” & Repressed Rage: [42:50–45:49]
• Pets, Cat Psychic, and Emotional Labor: [46:06–48:30]
• Seasonal Feelings – The Case for Autumn: [48:35–50:49]
• True/False Quiz: [53:27–54:42]

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Final Thoughts

The episode manages to be both loose and thematically cohesive as Caleb and Carly dig into the realities of queer friendship, boundaries, and the weird jobs that shaped them. Through rapid-fire banter, dark digressions, and heartfelt moments, listeners get a clear sense of their affection and comic synergy. The segment on ghosts and spirituality versus skepticism stands out, as does their mutual longing for autumn as a cure for queer malaise.

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Find Carly on Instagram.
"So True" is available on Headgum and major podcast platforms.

Transcript

[A]

This is a headgum podcast.

[B]

Quick. Time to choose a meal deal with McValue. The $5 McChicken meal deal, the $6 McDouble meal deal, or the new $7 Daily Double meal deal, each with its own small fries, drink, and Four Piece McNuggets. There's actually no rush. I'm just excited for McDonald's. Price and participation may vary.

[A]

How do you make an Airbnb? A vrbo Picture a vacation rental with a host who's showing you every room like you've never seen a house before. Now get rid of them. There you go. No host ever. Now it's a verbo. Make it a verbo. That reminds me, I got a tattoo last weekend and it was the most painful. It was like one of the most painful tattoos I've ever gotten. I'm crying.

[B]

Where'd you get it?

[A]

Hartford, Connecticut.

[B]

Sorry. On your body. So what's your problem, Carly?

[A]

My problem with you or in general?

[B]

Let's start in general and then work our way to me in general.

[A]

My problem is with this heat and E bikes right now.

[B]

You e biked here?

[A]

Yeah, they're not going in the docks. We talked about it.

[B]

They're slowing down, they're slower, and they won't go in the docks.

[A]

And I've been having it three times. I've DMed like, with the guy on there. Have you had to do that?

[B]

Where I'm like, yeah, you're DMing with Citi Bike.

[A]

I'm DMing with Citi Bike. I'm on there. I'm hey, my bike isn't docking. And they're like, okay, give us a second. And then you're waiting for about 10 minutes. And they go, we're so sorry. You can leave the bike where it is.

[B]

What? Yeah, I've never DMed them.

[A]

You can't. Well, it's like on through the app. I'm not like, on Instagram.

[B]

Oh, well, either way, I didn't even know you could talk to someone on there. I have so little faith in customer service now. In general. Everything's gotten worse. Nobody's good at customer service. No one cares that I just don't even try anymore. When a service that I'm using goes wrong, I just go, I'm fucked.

[A]

Have you ever worked in customer service?

[B]

Yes. And I. And I deeply cared, and it was horrible. But I call. I call. So I so nice with a legitimate problem. When I tell you Verizon. Verizon is going to hell. Verizon is going to hell. You call these people and they go, yeah, I don't know. We might be able to send some out in four days, but we're the only service provider in the area, so kind of stick it up your ass and deal with it. They don't care. Everything's gotten so much worse.

[A]

No, they're just hanging up. They're just hanging up out of nowhere.

[B]

We fix your cushion. It's bothering me. It's, like, all the way off the couch.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Should I take it off?

[B]

No, just, like, push it back. It just was bothering me because it's hanging all the way off. I worry about it. Are you comfortable?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, I'm comfortable.

[B]

Worried about you falling.

[A]

Well, I used to do customer service, and I would literally, like, I'd be. I'd be giving therapy. People would be crying, and I'd be listening.

[B]

I'm saying, when I did customer service, I really cared.

[A]

What did you do customer service for?

[B]

I did. Well, I worked in a restaurant for years, which was different than customer service. But then I did the. At my college, I did. What's it called when they, like, foundation. I did, like, donations and requests, and I fielded calls. And then I worked. Well, I guess not. And then before that, I worked a reception at a senator's office.

[A]

What Senator? Caleb.

[B]

Claire McCaskill. Shout out Claire. I worked. I interned. I was on the phones.

[A]

So you were the one calling. You were out. Outgoing calls?

[B]

No. Incoming.

[A]

Incoming.

[B]

Which I don't know if you can imagine, the incoming calls at a Democratic senator's office in Missouri. But let me just tell you, I didn't get paid anything, and I deserved a million dollars. And the craziest thing is, people would call, and they'd be like, that dumb. And I'd be like, okay, we're not gonna do that. Is there something I can help you with? And they'd be like, that my Social Security checks aren't coming. And I'd be like, okay, we can actually help you with that. Can you give me. And then I'd ask for the information, and then I'd give it to the senator, or I'd give it to my boss, who would give it to the senator, and then she would, like, make some phone calls, make something happen. And then I would call and follow up and be like, hey, did your Social Security checks start coming? And they'd be like, yeah, but I'm. But I'm still not voting for that bitch, you know? And I'd be like, jesus Christ, this system is not working.

[A]

Mine was for a literal pharma company.

[B]

Yeah, same, same. Yeah. Senator Pharma Company at this point. What's the difference?

[A]

Yeah, absolutely. And it would be people calling, like, looking for their medication. So as you can imagine, I was screaming, crying. You know what I mean? And then I would help them get their medication for cheaper. Same thing. I call them back and be like, so the medication are working, and it's like, you only gave me 50% off. I want 75. And my daughter wants it to. Yeah, like, it was like. Well, it's like, I don't think she's prescribed that.

[B]

Yeah, they're prescribed my daughter the medicine. We don't. We're not a doctor.

[A]

She's sick. She doesn't have high cholesterol, you know?

[B]

Yeah, that's really beautiful. Do you have any. Do you have any, like, fun stories from your customer service? Any good stories? Was anyone really nice to you or. No, not really.

[A]

Some people were really nice. You know, a couple people prayed for me. I think most of my crazy stories were from working in a restaurant.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

I was thinking about this the other day. Like, I was so. I remember I had these table of two guys, and, you know, I was like, when two guys are gay, you're flirting. You know what I mean? You're really like. I thought these guys, they were too, like, gay guys.

[B]

Sorry. Sorry. You. You flirt with other gay guys.

[A]

Don't even give me this, Caleb. Because the minute I try to flirt with you, you're like, boundary. You're like, don't touch me. I'm like, tickle, tickle, tickle. And you're like, if you ever do that again, we're gonna have issues.

[B]

You touch a lot.

[A]

No, I've pulled back.

[B]

And you do it when I'm vulnerable.

[A]

No, I have pulled back a lot.

[B]

You do unwanted touch to me when I'm vulnerable.

[A]

Wait, can I tell the story? What happened?

[B]

You, like, get me high, and then you're, like, touching my inner thigh, and.

[A]

I'm like, carly, that's absolutely untrue. The only kind of vulnerable touch I give. Can I say what happened in the coffee shop?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When you were being vulnerable.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So we're in a coffee shop, and I'm checking in with Caleb.

[B]

I remember this. We might have to cut this.

[A]

And Caleb's being vulnerable, which it's sometimes, like, hard to get you to do that. And you. And. And you're just like. I'm like, how are you doing? And you're like, honestly, like, I just haven't gotten any rest. Like, you know, I'm grateful For everything I'm working on. But I'm starting to feel like a shell of myself. And I kind of like grab out and touch your hand, and then a guy comes over to you and he's like, I'm a huge fan.

[B]

Oh, my God. Wait, where was that? I remember this now.

[A]

That coffee shop that, like, doesn't have coffee.

[B]

Wait, wait, where was this? I remember this.

[A]

I was like, right by your apartment. I don't want to talk to you.

[B]

Well, you know, but. Yeah, yeah, I understand. Yeah. Oh, yes. No, it really was a very funny moment because you were like. I was being uncharacteristically, like, raw. And you're like, how are you? And I was like, honestly, like, I feel sometimes, like more of an idea than a person lately. And I'm really grateful for everything, but, like, I just. I'm having a hard time balancing it all and truly, I'm in the middle of that and the guy comes over and he's. He's like. He's like, I fucking love your stuff.

[A]

It was something out of a movie.

[B]

And I was like. I was like, thanks, man. And then I turned back to Carly and I was like, well.

[A]

And that was.

[B]

Now I feel insane for saying that because he probably heard me say that and still chose to step over.

[A]

Well, he still took to step over and it was like I was holding your. Like a light, like just like a two finger touch.

[B]

Yeah, you were.

[A]

You know what I mean? So it's like. Yeah, right. Sorry.

[B]

No, it's just. It's not that. It's more when you, like, get me vulnerable. You'll, like, drug me up. You'll be like. You'll be like. You'll be like, let's smoke a J. And then we'll smoke. And you'll be like, touching.

[A]

No, it's not. It's more like emotional touching. I'm like, what are your. Like, I don't really believe in God.

[B]

I don't know what emotion is conjured by, like, rubbing my inner thigh.

[A]

There's no rubbing of your inner thigh. I think it's because I'm touching parts of your brain and I'm reaching out for parts of your brain. I'm saying, hey, tell me about your childhood. And you take that as an inner thigh touch.

[B]

No, I think it's more like you're like, are you high yet? And I go, yeah. And you go, nice.

[A]

No.

[B]

And I go, carly.

[A]

Well, but then you'll come in with a surprise touch.

[B]

Yeah, well, I try to give you what you want.

[A]

You'll kind of come in with like a behind hug. A behind hug and lift.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's like, I'm a woman on the street, you know?

[B]

Well, all my girls are really touch starved and insane. I have a type. I have a type. My type is lesbians that are touch starved, feral and insane. And so sometimes it's hard because I'll be like, I'll be like, hey, babe. And I'll give like a kiss on the forehead and they'll be like, fuck, sorry, it's just been so long. And I'm like, oh, my God. You know, I just. I couldn't possibly imagine that that was gonna happen, you know?

[A]

So you feel like you're just getting enough touch in your life that.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

I can't fully relate. Yeah, I understand.

[B]

Maybe.

[A]

Yeah, you have a point.

[B]

Yeah. You know, I'm having a lot of fun with. During this episode already.

[A]

What is.

[B]

I have no shoes on for maybe the first time ever at a podcast and I'm clutching the mic cord in my toes.

[A]

That was actually. That reminds me, I got a tattoo last weekend and it was the most painful. It was like one of the most painful tattoos I've ever gotten. Crying.

[B]

Where'd you get it?

[A]

Hartford, Connecticut.

[B]

Sorry. On your body? No, so I'm actually wondering about the pain and where it's at in your body.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, my shin.

[B]

Oh, really? Oh.

[A]

And shoeless. You know what I mean? Until my feet are, like, in their face.

[B]

I remember the tattoo now. Yeah, you showed it to me.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And. And my feet are, like, in their face, which already feels bad. You know what I mean? But then at one point, they're laughing, they're cracking up, and I'm crying because I'm in so much pain. I'm trying to hide it, and I'm like, what's going on? And they're like, look at your right foot. And my foot, that wasn't being tattooed. I had clawed up all of the plastic on the. Yeah, all of it. And they were like, are you okay? Like, do you want to take a walk?

[B]

Yeah. It looked. When I saw it, it looked like it might have been painful because when you told me what tattoo you were going to get, I didn't know if you'd get it filled in or not. But a swastika doesn't really look right when it's not completely filled in with ink. So I think you made the right call.

[A]

You make me sick.

[B]

Come on. The idea of you getting. Sorry, but the idea of a swastika shin tattoo is pretty funny.

[A]

Well, let's talk about it.

[B]

What?

[A]

No, not me.

[B]

Pardon?

[A]

I had a friend in college. You know how there's a Buddhist symbol that is the same.

[B]

Yeah, Fuck.

[A]

The same as the swastika, you know, And a lot of girls in college that are doing a lot of acid and at EDM festivals.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They don't really know a lot about history, you know what I mean? And they love ripping off from other cultures. So this bitch literally got like a swastika tattoo and we had to be like, hey, Rachel.

[B]

Where'd she get it? Come on, man. Come on, man.

[A]

We were like, hey, Rachel, you're also Catholic. You're not even Buddhist at all.

[B]

Funny. That is really funny. That's. That's like the number of people that get like, they just get like any Mandarin tattooed on their body and they have no clue. They have no clue what it means. They've never been over there. They don't really know.

[A]

I know.

[B]

And they're like, it means love. I'm like, I will have to take your word for it.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. And it definitely doesn't.

[B]

Yeah. Would you. What language would you do? You don't speak another language, right?

[A]

No.

[B]

What would you pick? If you could just instantly know one.

[A]

Spanish.

[B]

Really? Yeah. I think that's a silly one to pick because.

[A]

What would you pick? Oh, cuz it's not that hard to.

[B]

Learn because it's like, you could probably. It's so close to ours that with enough work. Well, I say that, but I was in Spanish class for a long time and I couldn't retain it to save my life.

[A]

That's the thing.

[B]

I'm not good with language.

[A]

What language did you pick?

[B]

Mandarin. Because I think it would be really hard to learn and it would be really. I think it's really. Do you know those videos where it's like, white boy stuns with Mandarin at Chinese restaurant. I'd love to star in one of those.

[A]

But I do fear you.

[B]

And the Chinese people at the restaurant are like, what the fuck?

[A]

I know, but I do sometimes I do kind of fear you'd still give, like, white dad at a restaurant vibe.

[B]

For sure.

[A]

Like, your accent wouldn't be right.

[B]

For sure. It wouldn't. But. No, but it would in this world. Because when a white guy tries to stun with Spanish at a Mexican restaurant, they're like, it just never feels right. It's like, it's always giving, like Brad Pitt in Inglorious Basterds, you know? But that's how you know but when a white guy stuns with Chinese at the Chinese restaurant, those videos really speak to me.

[A]

Well, I think we can make this happen for you. What's going to happen? What we're going to do.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We're going to get you hit. Hit by a FedEx truck. Because, one, they pay out 2 million. Hold on here.

[B]

Hear me out before you go on, because I am allowed to have questions on my show. What do you mean the FedEx truck pays out 2 million? This feels like. Do you remember in college when someone was like, if your roommate himself in the dorm, you get free tuition. And then people were being like, I kind of hope my roommate. You know? Like, this feels like one of those things that everyone just decided is true.

[A]

A guy on Rockaway beach told me, right.

[B]

So you can understand where I'm coming from.

[A]

Well, he was severely injured, and he was like, my next move is, I'm gonna get hit by a FedEx truck. Because I've done a lot of research, and my next move.

[B]

Y' all watch this space. As soon as I find a FedEx truck who's driving while texting, we're gonna fucking make it happen.

[A]

Well, we're gonna do that. And then what happens is, a lot of times when people get in these accidents, incidents. But they survive. They wake up, they can speak another language. I forget what it's called. Haven't you. Haven't you heard of this?

[B]

I have heard this.

[A]

It feels like something you wouldn't believe in, even though there's, like, scientific proof I do.

[B]

What you're not gonna do is what you just tried to do. What you're not gonna do is what you just tried to do. Because you are a member of the cohort of lesbians in my life who often try to. When I tell you, I'm just gonna talk about this, and we can cut it if you want. Carly's been bent out of shape for months because another one of our psychotic lesbian friends came to her house and said, I feel a ghost in this house, and I think it's your grandpa. Okay. Carly believes that and is truly being like, yeah, sorry, I couldn't sleep last night. Like, Grandpa was wrestling in the space.

[A]

Grandpa is wrestling in the space, Kayla. And then.

[B]

So note the earnestness. And then I get in trouble for being like, that's batshit and stupid.

[A]

Well, no. Well, you gave in a little bit, because what happened was.

[B]

No, I didn't, by the way.

[A]

No, you made a funny joke that made me think, oh, maybe we're on the right track. Because there is a ghost in my apartment. And maybe I'm wrong. God forbid things are turning on in this room, in this little weird room, this haunted room in the back space. Sometimes I step back there, I start to cry. My cat stares into it.

[B]

And you have depression, and you live in an old building. It's just not the lights flickering. And you crying is not a ghost. You need to stay on your meds, and you need to move into a nicer place. I'm sorry. That's just the reality of the situation.

[A]

Well, you're not gonna like this, but there were markings on the wall.

[B]

What?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

What do you mean, markings on the wal.

[A]

Talked about it yet?

[B]

Because that's mold. You have black mold. Depression. Stop.

[A]

And I will say. I will just say, here's the thing. Things start getting a little creepy back there right after I go through some kind of breakup. And you said, maybe this ghost is trying to fuck you. Which, if it is my grandpa, there's a lot to unpack.

[B]

There's obviously such a complicated situation if your grandpa, as a ghost, is trying to fuck you.

[A]

Of course. I think Poppy is. Poppy was a really good guy.

[B]

Okay, well, he's different now. I mean, he's not. He's a ghost now. Who knows if your values change? Maybe they know something we don't know.

[A]

Well, apparently, he has a message.

[B]

Wait, Carly, I have something really sad to bring up.

[A]

What?

[B]

What if the only way he can move on is if he fucks you? What if Poppy's a really good guy, but he can't leave Purgatory until he fucks his granddaughter? Isn't that sad? I don't want that to be the truth either. I would hate that universe, but golly.

[A]

Well, it kind of feels like one of those things of, like, can you have sex in front of your pet? Like, can you really a ghost? Like, you know what I mean? What kind of are the morals of that? I don't want to my grandpa ghost, but it's like, what even does sex with a ghost look like? It might just be him passing through me, which I frankly have felt.

[B]

What?

[A]

I felt the chill down the spine.

[B]

See, this is the kind of I try so hard. I'm like, I don't want to be negative towards you in the comments.

[A]

In the comments. Have you seen a ghost in the comments?

[B]

I love you so much, but sometimes you say things like this, and it's, like, very hard for me. I want to obviously, like, always support you, and I love you so much, but then you're like, I felt my grandpa pass through me. I'm like, come on.

[A]

I mean, I could be wrong. I'm not like, I'm up for nuance. I'm always down to be wrong. And there's a little part of me that's like, I think we've lost a lot of spiritualism, and we live in this materialistic world, and it's like, let's bring it back.

[B]

Yeah. You're not gonna sell me on me being materialistic because I don't believe that your grandpa's haunting your spare room. I don't think that's me, like, loving the iPhone. I think. I just don't. I just don't feel that well.

[A]

Okay. Even if it's not my grandpa, it's like people are seeing things every day.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is. You know what I mean?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Stuff is weird.

[B]

Yeah, Totally. I'm so sorry. I understand.

[A]

Have you ever. I feel like you like, to me, you give. Like you saw a ghost when you were eight and you've shut it out so completely, and it's something you've never talked about.

[B]

I think I'm an adult who lives in the real world, and I. I don't. Look, maybe ghosts are real. I don't know. I guess it's possible. I just don't ever. No one's story has ever compelled me. Everyone's story is like, you know, they were wearing workwear from the 18th century, and they passed me in the hall at my college dorm, and I'm like, I don't know. I just feel like it was dark and you were a little scared.

[A]

I know. I do think it's interesting that, like, ghost sightings always seem to be, like, children or women from, like, a colonial period, you know? Like, I don't. I don't really know what that means.

[B]

It's always dated. Yeah.

[A]

It's never, like, a fun gay guy.

[B]

I would be really compelled, actually, if what I found out about ghosts is that they can't move on until they fuck someone. They should. You know, it's like, you have to that person, you had a will they won't they with at your job or you can't move on. That would be really compelling about ghosts. Otherwise, I'm just like, yeah, I don't like. Also, it's a sad thing to believe in. People think it's cool, but they're like, yeah, there's a. The ghost of a child in this house because it used to be a paper mill, and he died working on the paper. It's like, that sucks.

[A]

No, it does suck. I don't think it's, like, fun.

[B]

I hate that he's here.

[A]

I'm not, like, obsessed with it.

[B]

I feel like people are going to be mean to me in the comments because I don't believe in ghosts, but it's my trinity.

[A]

Like, you're. You also have a schizophrenic girl on your podcast.

[B]

You're not schizophrenic.

[A]

And I can just say that because it runs in my family.

[B]

So you're not schizophrenic. You're not schizophrenic. You have other stuff. Do you think you're schizophrenic?

[A]

No. No. No, I don't.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

But some. My family is there.

[B]

One of my biggest fears is that I will lose my sanity.

[A]

Do you know, 100.

[B]

Like, that I will, like, lose my, like, sound. My sound mind.

[A]

Totally. Like a psychosis moment.

[B]

Yeah. That I'll, like, snap and be like. And not snap like, I hurt people, but snap. Like, I'm just, like, never the same mentally.

[A]

You are one of the few people.

[B]

Uh.

[A]

Oh, no, no, no, no. It's kind of a compliment. You were one of the few people.

[B]

Let's be sure before we say it.

[A]

You're one of the few people, like, in my life that, like, if you did have psychosis, you'd be like. And that's enough of that. Like, you could snap yourself out of psychosis.

[B]

You think?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's really beautiful, Carly. Thank you for saying that.

[A]

You would 100% be like. You know what I mean? Like, you would look in the mirror and be like, we're done with this.

[B]

Yeah, that's nice. Thank you. That's really nice. I'd like to believe that. You want to talk about your breakup or not really. Wait, Maddie, our friend Maddie was over at my apartment the other night, and we had smoked weed, and I got us Ben and Jerry's, and we had smoked weed, and we were, like, eating a little bit of ice cream, and I. I was a kind of high that I was feeling, like, more blunt than usual, which is pretty obviously blunt. And I was trying to come up with something to talk about, because I didn't. We were just, like, kind of sitting and watching tv, and I go. So I was not trying to be funny. I genuinely. This is what my brain came up with. I go, so you're single and you're unemployed. That's, like, what my brain told me to say out loud to have a conversation. And she goes. She was also high, and she Goes, wait, what.

[A]

Now? That's diabolical.

[B]

It was awesome. But a good conversation, so. It was really powerful. Yeah. More people should say things like that out loud.

[A]

Well, we do need to fly a kite. I think that'll.

[B]

We have been talking about flying kites.

[A]

I do think that will, like, free something for both of us.

[B]

I think if you and I actually, we should make time to go to Prospect park soon and fly a kite.

[A]

I completely agree.

[B]

I will. Chance, will you buy me a kite?

[A]

I want, like, a really big extra one.

[B]

Yeah. I want, like. I want it to be like. I want people to see us in the park and go, like, where the fuck did they get that kite?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Should we put, like, advertisements on it or something? Like a blimp at the beach?

[B]

I don't need this to be business, personally, but if you would like it.

[A]

To be, I'm also single and unemployed, you know?

[B]

Yeah. Shout out. I'm hiring an assistant. Do you want to be my assistant?

[A]

Sure.

[B]

I think that's a really bad idea. Right. I thought about hiring Anna, our good friend Anna, but I'm like, I think that would destroy both of us.

[A]

I think it's, like, difficult with friends. Like, I think I. I would be good at it.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, you'd kill it.

[A]

But I think that you wouldn't. Like, what If I was your assistant? I'd want more physical touch.

[B]

That's 100% not gonna happen. That's an inappropriate thing to ask your boss.

[A]

Exactly. I don't think it would work.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I think we wouldn't have good boundaries. What's your biggest concern with me being your assistant? Be honest. I can handle it.

[B]

Genuinely. That it would affect our friendship.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Other than that, probably you saying that we would be bad at boundaries when I'm really good at them. You sort of still not understanding that the boundary issue here is kind of on your side of the court.

[A]

Yeah. And that's. Yeah, 100% that.

[B]

I'm, like, actually chilling on the boundaries. I actually say, like, hey, if you're gonna get chills when we touch, I'm gonna. I'm gonna put a moratorium on that. No, I love our friendship. I think it's beautiful. I wouldn't change it.

[A]

No, I love our friendship, too.

[B]

For real?

[A]

No, I feel the same.

[B]

Straight up. And then other than that, Mike, you being my assistant. Well, what would be your biggest concern about me being your assistant? Like, if roles were reversed and you were gonna hire me to be your assistant, what would be your biggest concern?

[A]

I Wouldn't have enough for you to do.

[B]

Is it my whole attitude?

[A]

No, no, I wouldn't have enough for you to do. You'd be working two hours a week.

[B]

But you'd pay me full time?

[A]

No, I'd pay you in like. Like, it would be sort of a barter trade system. I wouldn't.

[B]

That's not right.

[A]

That's what I'm saying. I wouldn't be able to pay you. Be more like, hey, like, let me give you a foot massage. Or, like, I'll roll you a joint if you can work on my calendar.

[B]

I'd love for you to roll me a drink. Okay, let's. Okay, hold on. Can we exist in a world where you do have enough money to pay me properly?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What do you think would be my biggest downfall as an assistant? And I was an assistant at one point.

[A]

Keep in mind, I think your biggest downfall as an assistant is, like, you would almost be too good at it. That you would just be like. You, like, wouldn't be having it. You'd just be like, I'm not. You also don't like lines. You don't like a line?

[B]

No, the lines really make me.

[A]

So you're not gonna. You're not gonna. You would go. I'd be like, can you get me a coffee? And you'd be like. You'd come back and you'd be like, it's not happening. There was a line was too long.

[B]

I wonder if I have the phone number of it. You know, I was an assistant in Chicago.

[A]

I didn't know that.

[B]

Oh, yeah. I worked as an administrative assistant for years.

[A]

Was that when you were at the office and you were in the front desk? Yes, I worked the office manager.

[B]

I wonder if I could get ahold of someone from my old job right now to say what the worst thing about me as an assistant was.

[A]

I think he could.

[B]

What was wrong at your last restaurant job? Why were you hated?

[A]

I was just drunk all the time, and I'd eat all the food I'd like. I'd empty a plate, and it would have, you know, people would not eat their fries. And I'd empty them into my server thing, and I go to the bathroom and I'd eat them.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it became, like, such a problem. They had to be like, hey. And then I got one of the bussers. He would get me free food from the kitchen as long as he could watch me eat it.

[B]

I'm sorry, what?

[A]

I was eating a lot and he was watching.

[B]

That's.

[A]

I mean, it's exactly what it sounds like. He'd be like, here's some chiliquiles, and I'm just gonna not blink and watch you eat this. And I said, all right, that's fine with me. I'm hungry.

[B]

So he would get you chiliquiles only so he could watch you eat it.

[A]

He said, I'll get it free for free. I just want to watch you eat this.

[B]

That's kind of. Oh, wait, I remember to have one of their phone numbers. I want to come back to that. By the way, I'm sorry. I did get really sidetracked on. I think this will be really interesting. I wonder if she'll answer.

[A]

Hello?

[B]

Hey, Jenny, it's Caleb Heron. How you doing?

[A]

What are you. Hi, Caleb. What's up?

[B]

Hey. I'm on a podcast right now, and I'll text you later to make sure you're okay with this, but I wanted to ask you. We were. I'm on this podcast with my friend, and we were talking about when I was an assistant and how bad I was at the job. How. Oh, my gosh, what do you think was the. Like, obviously I was bad at being an assistant, but, like, how bad was I? And what do you think the worst part was?

[A]

Oh, my gosh, I'm so glad you just called me and asked me this because I just found, you know how we would send letters to people we were going to do interviews with? We had to send them an email that, you know, to the client. We'd send an email and we give them, like, a script of what we were going to be talking to their staff about.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I found a letter that you had written and sent to me to proof it before you sent it off. And it was literally redlined from top to bottom, except for it said, respectfully, Caleb Huron. And that was not respect.

[B]

That is so funny. I was so bad at that job. I wish I could call. You're the. You're the. Go ahead.

[A]

Oh, I was gonna say, I actually just sent that to a colleague of mine who loves your podcast and.

[B]

Wait, Jenny, Jenny, you're sending. You're sending out my bad work to people that are fans of mine?

[A]

I said, don't you ever send this to someone. If I see this on a tick tock and I get sued and Caleb never talks to me.

[B]

That is so funny. Well, you're one of the. You're one of the nicer people that I worked with. I wish I had, like, somebody who really didn't like me's number, because that would have been really interesting, but you're too sweet. You're just like. That's a sweet example. I really was bad at that job.

[A]

Also, I would like to tell you that I was. I did not believe that this is actually you calling me. And I am like on vacation in Costa Rica right now, sitting next to me. And he was like, no, answer it. I said, it's Caleb.

[B]

Okay, I'm going to let you go and I'm going to text you later, but thank you so much for answering.

[A]

Okay, bye, Caleb.

[B]

Bye. I'm dead.

[A]

What did she just say?

[B]

She said she's on vacation in Costa Rica. She goes. She goes. I didn't think it was actually you calling me. I'm on vacation in Costa Rica. And my husband said, answer it. It might be him. That is so funny. She was one of the nicer ones, though. Jenny. I liked her. She liked me and I liked her. And I don't think she cared that I was so bad at the job. But there's one or two people that I worked for that I worked. I wish I could get a hold of them because they hated me and they were right. I was so bad at the job. But they couldn't fire me because I was a. I. Basically what I did was I. I used my personality as a weapon.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

To get like three or four influential people on my side and then I would be really bad at my job, but they would keep me around because I was fun.

[A]

Personality hire truly.

[B]

And in a way that was like I knew who I could piss off and who I couldn't.

[A]

So did you use that to your advantage? Obviously, 100%.

[B]

It was a job that I didn't believe in or respect and I didn't want to be there.

[A]

So I was fired or you quit?

[B]

I quit that one. I quit that one because I powerful. Well, hilariously, In January of 2020, I had just gotten managers and I quit to be a full time comedian. And then I ended up driving for UberEats for seven months because there was, number one, no jobs. I don't know what I was thinking. And number two, then Covid, did you like that job?

[A]

I feel like you hated it.

[B]

Uber Eats.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I actually really enjoyed being left alone and making my own decisions. Like being like, this is when I'm gonna work, this is what I. What I'm gonna do. But no, people, rich people don't tip.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And that was the thing that made me the most mad, is I was like, what do you mean? You ordered $500 of sushi and you gave me a $3 tip.

[A]

No, it's really. Actually, it's raining snowing.

[B]

I'm double parked in downtown Chicago. I'm getting tickets, I'm getting yelled at. Meanwhile, poor people on like a ten dollar McDonald's order are being like, here's three dollars. I'm sorry I don't have more.

[A]

Oh, it's so true. It's so true.

[B]

Anyway, this guy would give you food to watch you eat it.

[A]

Yeah, it was a crazy restaurant, but I'm still friends with a lot of people that work there. But I was just. I was known for just how much I would eat. Like, it was like a big thing. And then I just had to cut corners. I was like, I have to be getting food during the shift. I can't not eat. And one of the busters was like, all right, here's the deal. I'll get you free food from the kitchen, but I just want to watch you eat it.

[B]

Did it feel sexual?

[A]

I'm sure it. Absolutely.

[B]

Because of course I can't. I'm sorry, I can't escape that being the kind of context of it all.

[A]

I mean, absolutely. I'm sure that's what it was, but I just didn't make eye contact, you know?

[B]

Yeah, that might have done more for him. I'm worried he, he. Was he doing anything? No.

[A]

Unblinking, but okay.

[B]

That's one of the scarier things I've ever heard. For real. I hate that that happened around you.

[A]

I mean, that was one of the craziest places I've ever worked.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, I worked at Applebee's in Golden Corral once. The most memorable story to me about working at Golden Corral was that I was like 16 working at Golden Corral. And I would get scheduled for like all kinds of crazy shifts. But the craziest one was the 4am breakfast shift because we had a breakfast buffet. And I would get scheduled.

[A]

No golden crowd at breakfast.

[B]

Yeah. I don't know if all of them do, but ours certainly did. And it would be Saturdays and Sundays. I'd have to get there at 4am to prep the omelette bar. And then I'd run the omelette bar. And I remember I had told my boss this. This guy that I didn't fucking like this guy. He was a tool. Probably still is. I told him, I can't work this Saturday, this certain Saturday, because it's homecoming and I'm on homecoming court and I have. I have to like go do all the stuff and I won't Be able to come in and do the omelet bar. You have to schedule someone else, maybe one of the 15, 40 year olds who work here, and this is their career, literally. And he. I got the schedule. Like you get an email with your schedule, you know, and it has me scheduled, omelet bar, Saturday morning of homecoming. And so I text him and I go, hey, Kevin, I think I told you this, but I can't work that shift because I have homecoming and I'm on the court and it's. I have a bunch of stuff going on that weekend. And he calls me and he goes, he goes, caleb, this is Kevin. And I go, yeah, I know. Did you get my text? And he goes, don't you ever in your life tell an employer what you can and can't do? The tone that you took with me, I will fire your ass. So, like, really, like, yelled at me. And I was like, I can't work that day. And he's like, then you have to get it covered. And I was like, in my head, I'm like, does he know that I'm 16? Like, did he forget that? Like, he's talking to a child? And I remember I did get it covered, but I was like, this guy is insane.

[A]

Almost every restaurant manager has some of the most diseased mental illness I've ever experienced in my life. I mean, I worked it outback at 16 and I had a bunch of nose piercings. I was a little emoji, and they made me cover it up with, like, multiple band aids.

[B]

So people would walk so much worse.

[A]

People would walk in, I'm the host, and they're like, you know, it looks like I got a nose job. They're like, ah.

[B]

Your manager's like, sorry, she's not alternative. She has lesions. It's not what it looks like. I promise.

[A]

I'd have to use, like, one of the big ones that would cover both. And they. And they just, like, they just didn't, you know, I wasn't good at the job. So anytime, like a kid shit all over the bathroom, they'd be like, get in there. You know, I was the girl that just, like, cleaned up the shit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then we had a regular who was blind, and she would bring her dog listening. Okay. She would bring her dog in. And so we go down and we pet the dog. And oftentimes then there was a time where she started petting me.

[B]

Huh?

[A]

She didn't. She thought I was the dog. I'm bent down, I'm petting her dog. She thinks I'M the dog. She's like, kind of petting. Petting my head. And I'm kind of looking at my manager, and he's like, stay. Like, stay down there until she's done. I'm bandaged up, getting pet.

[B]

There's no chance that she thought you were the dog. Just so you know. There's no chance that this person whose other sentence senses are heightened and touches that dog every day thought you were the dog.

[A]

I think, feel the top of my head.

[B]

No, it's not giving dog. And I think she really just wanted to touch you. Blind people can be perverts. We don't know if she was, but she might have been.

[A]

And I'm having some really, like, fucked up experiences at restaurants.

[B]

Yeah. Your manager telling you to stay down there is also crazy. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Finish.

[B]

My manager at Applebee's was going through a breakup for, like, five months. Like, they were on again, off again. She didn't want him, whatever. And he got, like, objectively worse during that period. And every night when we were closing, he would. At this point, I'm 17, 16, 17. He would play I'll Be by Edwin McCain and, like, barely not cry and make us clean in a way where I've never cleaned before. He'd be like, we have to do it for opening crew. And I'd be like, this is about something else. Please, I have school in the morning. Let me go home. But he would play, and I'd just be like, I'll be blaring through the Applebee's while I'm on my hands and knees scrubbing tile that's, like, behind a booth. No one will ever see it. I was like, this is so insane. I can't believe I have to do this.

[A]

Well, like, yeah. Restaurant romances really deeply affect the entire. When I was in college, I worked at this, like, fancy Italian restaurant. I was the host, and I was dating the busser, who was, like, 27 and I'm 19. You know what I mean?

[B]

Of course.

[A]

He cheats on me with one of the servers that's working there.

[B]

Yeah. He had no choice.

[A]

Yeah. He gives me chlamydia.

[B]

Of course. Yeah.

[A]

So he has chlamydia. I have chlamydia. The server gave him chlamydia. She was also our manager who had chlamydia.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So there was literally a week where every level of service had chlamydia.

[B]

Yeah, of course.

[A]

Like, we were all just, like, itching.

[B]

What it's like when you're working down under.

[A]

It was, like, such A disaster. Like, we were all just like. And I stayed with him serving up.

[B]

Bloomin onions while you have, like, the itchiest pussy ever. Sorry, guys. Sorry if I'm being weird, y'. All. Here's your bloomin onion. I have chlamydia that I got from the whole staff.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Your server has chlamydia, too. The manager that's checking in on you also has chlamydia.

[B]

We all have chlamydia.

[A]

The guy that's cleaning your table also has chlamydia.

[B]

Do you want to add shrimp to that steak? We all have chlamydia.

[A]

Just so you know, we all had to take, like, a couple days off at different, slightly different sporadic periods. And it's like I had strep throat. You know what I mean? The manager had, like, swimmer's ear.

[B]

Sorry, everybody. I know we all have chlamydia, but mine's actually tennis elbow. And I'm off for the week. That's so funny.

[A]

Did you ever fuck employee at a restaurant? Did you ever have, like, a love affair?

[B]

No, there were no gay people where I grew up.

[A]

Yeah. So they were there. They just.

[B]

I wasn't privileged enough to be getting committee at the outback.

[A]

Yeah, well, at the time, I was.

[B]

You know, guys, so we also didn't have an outback. That was considered a fancy restaurant. Where I grew up, Outback was like a city restaurant. It's like, you got to go to the city if you want Outback.

[A]

Interesting. Yeah.

[B]

Applebee's was the nicest restaurant in our town. And I'm not kidding, people came for, like, Sunday after church meals.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

To the Applebee's. It was the nicest joint town.

[A]

Applebee's does hold up.

[B]

The half price appetizers have gotten me through many challenging periods in my life. Many challenging periods in my life. I am alive today, at least in some part because of half price appetizers at Applebee's. And they can clip that, run that Applebee's. Hi, Applebee's. I'm only alive at this point in my life because during multiple times when I was too broke to live, you gave me chicken wings for $3.

[A]

Thank you, Applebee's.

[B]

What?

[A]

Thank you, Applebee's.

[B]

Thank you, Applebee's. Shout out. For real. And I, when I worked there, I would get the most insane shift meals. I'd be. I'd like. I'd like, take it. I'd bring in Tupperware and be like, throw some extra stuff in there for me. I need to take this Home. And the cooks would be like, all right, man, whatever.

[A]

What was your favorite thing to get?

[B]

I would get French onion soup. I would get a piping hot cauldron of French onion soup. And then I would get. They had this, like, hot bacon vinaigrette salad that I really like.

[A]

They.

[B]

They heated up the dressing before they put it on your salad.

[A]

Not the lettuce, though, please.

[B]

I know. No, the lettuce wasn't heated, but it didn't matter because the sauce was so hot.

[A]

Do you remember smoking sections?

[B]

No, I really don't think we. Yeah, but I really don't think we had any in my hometown. I think they were gone by the time I was, like, at restaurants.

[A]

We had them at our Pizzeria Uno.

[B]

Really? I think that's a Philly. That's like an east coast thing.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Well, nothing Midwest doesn't have them, but I just. We didn't have enough restaurants, and Applebee's was so corporate that I feel like it was already beaten out of there.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

This is probably a local joint, right? Yeah. Were your parents sitting in the smoking section or. No?

[A]

No, no. I think my mom smoked cigarettes, but she quit before I was born.

[B]

Whoa, you smoke?

[A]

No.

[B]

You're a big cigarette head.

[A]

No, I'm not. I smoke them when I'm going through something.

[B]

Yeah, but you're going through something. Yeah, but in fairness.

[A]

Yeah, in fairness, that's true. But I haven't smoked a cigarette in, like, a week.

[B]

That's really nice.

[A]

I don't want to be, like, known as a smoker. Like, I'm not a smoker. It's just, like, kind of like. I don't know, there's something about.

[B]

You're just like, no, it's objectively cool to see someone do it. Kissing a smoker, it feels like prison.

[A]

Yeah. No, I don't consider myself a smoker. It's more like a flare up. I understand when people are like, I don't want to date a smoker. Like, kiss a smoker. Like, it is. It is absolutely disgusting.

[B]

It's too bad because you can really be so hot while you're smoking cigarettes, and then you can really. The taste of your mouth can be one of the most daunting things that anyone's ever experienced.

[A]

Yeah. If I, like, ever smoke a cigarette, it's like, I'm never, like, kissing someone or anything.

[B]

Yeah, well, you don't smoke them enough, I think, to have, like, permanent smoker's mouth.

[A]

Yeah. No, no, no, no, no. But there is. God, there's Nothing like a cigarette sometimes.

[B]

I've never smoked one.

[A]

I know, and I don't want you ever to.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. Don't.

[B]

I bet a lot of people listening right now want me to smoke one.

[A]

No, I don't think you'd like it. And you'd hold it wrong.

[B]

What the. That was. Why'd you say that?

[A]

Because it's just like. I just, like, know you, and you.

[B]

Hold it like this, don't you?

[A]

I. No, it's two hands. It's two hands. No, you need both hands. A finger from each. Kind of like a recorder.

[B]

Like, you're like, I'm playing a piccolo. Yeah, no, I'd hold it right.

[A]

I think you would get really nervous, and you wouldn't want to seem like you were nervous, so you would hold it a little weird. Or you'd use, like, your back two fingers.

[B]

Yeah, just what?

[A]

You'd use, like, your back two fingers. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Like I'm fucking Mr. Bean.

[A]

No, you do.

[B]

Like, I'm a calm. Like, I'm a foolish idiot.

[A]

And you would, like, you would take a couple drags and you'd, like. You'd do a little bit, and then you'd be like, this is disgusting. And he'd throw it.

[B]

I think I'd be really good at smoking cigarettes. And for someone who doesn't want me to try it, you're awfully convincing me to do it.

[A]

Me?

[B]

Like, you negging me into becoming a smoker. I think I'd be really good at it, and I think I'd look really hot.

[A]

You would look hot, but you'd be holding it weird.

[B]

If I had better style. If I had, like, better personal style.

[A]

You have great personal style.

[B]

No, if I had better personal style.

[A]

I feel like we have to go back to that. What's going on?

[B]

Like, I'm wearing this polo. It was $7 from Old Navy, like, 10 years ago. It does not look good vintage. No, I really appreciate you, but, like, it does not look good. These jeans are ugly. Like, they're tailored, which is a little nicer, but, like. Like, I just don't. I'm not. I'm not. Here's what it is. I don't want someone else's style. I think I. Everything I do is cool because I am cool and I'm doing it cool. But I do think, objectively, I'm not capable of looking carefree in fashion. Do you know, like, this doesn't look carefree. It looks careless.

[A]

Yeah, I don't think I'm very carefree either. My button is my. My fly is down.

[B]

I think you look really carefree. Do you know what I mean, though? Like, a cool person who looks like they're, like, leaned up against a car smoking a cigarette, and they're dressed in a way that's like. Like, I do know that you care about that outfit, but you do feel carefree in it. If I put on capital, A, capital O, an outfit, it feels like, God, that guy is, like, going somewhere, you know?

[A]

No, I have the same thing.

[B]

It's like, I can't pull off, like, effortless.

[A]

I'm the same way. I'm not too effortless. But I also think, like, the more I. I just don't have enough time. Like, I don't. I don't. I like to feel good and, like, look good, but I'm just, like, I don't, like. I don't know what a designer. I'm just like, how do people have the time? Like, I just don't really care about clothes. I wish I cared more, but I don't.

[B]

Yeah, I'm. I'm was just doing a fitting for a job that has. Is like a very, like, has a very fashion thing. And I can't say any of the designer brands, and I found myself getting really insecure.

[A]

You didn't know them well?

[B]

Yeah. That they were. That they. I have this, like, fabulous old gay stylist, this, like, queen that I'm obsessed with. And he's like. And he's like, of course we're going to put you in the Margiela. And I'm like, right. And I'm sure that that' what is. What does that mean? You know? But I don't know any of it, so I feel like, behind.

[A]

I also don't really, like, like, the name or have you ever had, like, I pronounced like, a designer wrong, and someone's like, that's not how you say that.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Like, you think it's. I've Saint Laurent. I'm like, how am I supposed to.

[B]

Why would I know?

[A]

Why the would I know? And why is it spelled like that or whatever.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then they do the little croissant, and it's like, shut up.

[B]

First of all, don't be French. That's the number one thing I have to say. I remember one of the times I got most mad at somebody. And, like, one of the first times I really stood up for myself. I was like, 16 or 17. We're finding out. That was a really foundational area for me in this episode. I guess this Guy. His name. Well, it doesn't matter. This guy. I was, like, a school conference, and this guy was like. He was, like, an east coast guy, and he went to, like, a very fancy school district, and we were, like, at a school conference together in, like, Orlando or something, Something like that. And he was like. He was like. He was like, yeah, maybe when I get older, I want to open, like, a haberdashery or something. And I was like, oh, that'd be cool. And he looked at me and he goes, you probably don't even know what a haberdashery is. And I was like, yeah, I guess. I don't. I just thought it sounded cool. And he was like, yeah, it's a menswear store. And I remember in the moment, I had never talked to someone like this, but I went, what is your problem? Like, it was. It was the first time that I encountered someone so rude that I was like, the fuck is your. What? What are you. Why are you doing this? Because he was right. I didn't know what it was, but I was like. I was just being nice and fun.

[A]

Also, why is a men's. I don't know.

[B]

Are you saying haberdashery? You fucking freak.

[A]

I didn't know what a haberdashery was. And when you were saying it, I did not think men's warehouse. I said, like, a place where they, like, sell rabbits.

[B]

Yeah. Also, how are you gonna try to little bro me when you're saying, like, haberdashery? I had to beat your ass.

[A]

Call it a men's clothing store.

[B]

Yeah. I don't know where he's at now, but that was. That was nuts.

[A]

No, I've been, like, on edge. Like, about to. I don't know. I'm gonna, like, snap at someone soon. Everyone thinks I'm so fucking nice. And it's like, I really almost, like, went in on this woman what happened in the Hamptons. She. Okay, so my friend was like, we're in this store, and it's like this fancy vintage store, and this woman is batshit crazy. She's like, keep an eye. Make sure nobody's stealing in here. And we're like, what? Like, relax. And then my friend is looking at this shirt. She goes up to my friend and she goes, you know that's an extra small, right?

[B]

That's kind of funny.

[A]

It's not funny. And I was this close to being like, your Botox makes you look like a cat, you stupid, dumbass bitch.

[B]

You could have gotten away with that. I Think.

[A]

And I wish. I just like, I'm not quite that brave. I think it was so fucked up.

[B]

Yeah. I got really mad at someone recently because they. I was telling a story that involved a couple of friends who happened to be like, well known famous people. And they were. They, like, jokingly were like, they're like, like, nice name drop. And I was like, no, those are just people I'm friends with. Don't be a fucking asshole to me. I didn't like that. I was like, what? You're. You live in a space where that's exactly their project. You would like to name drop. And so you're putting that on me. I'm just actually telling a story and you're being annoying.

[A]

Did you say that?

[B]

No, I just. I wasn't in the mood. A lot of times I will let someone get away with something crazy because I'm just not in the mood. That was objectively rude. And I was just like. I was just. I. I remember identically. They. They weren't trying to be rude either. They just were projecting. But they said that. And I went, that's not what I was doing. And then I just moved on.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because I was like, I'm not gonna do this with you right now. But they're. I. I feel also like. I feel what you're saying. I feel like I let so much small slide that I am on the verge of, like, really letting someone have it.

[A]

I'm really gonna let someone have it soon. Like, it's. I'm really on the verge. Like, my friend lives in the Hamptons, so I've been there a lot this summer, which. It's a beautiful place, but the people there, I've never seen anything like it. We're biking in a bike lane. This guy in a Jeep is like, move the fuck off. And I went off. I was, you fucking piece of shit loser ass bitch. Like, I've never seen myself like that. And it's like, we're in the Hamptons. You know what I mean? Like, there's moms with strollers. Like, we're not in New York City. And my friend was like, are you okay? Like, what's kind of happening? My friend was like, what's going? Like, is something going on? She's like, you have been a little off recently.

[B]

And I was like, hey, that guy was an. Your response was way disproportionate.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. He just kind of, like, yelled, and I was like, ready to, like, throw a rock at his car.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, I was pissed.

[B]

That's Beautiful. Carly, I think you should have done that.

[A]

I know. Everyone just keeps calling me nice. And the more they call me nice, the more I'm ready to, like.

[B]

I know that you're not a serial killer, but that does sound like a serial killer thing to say. Like, the more people call me nice, the more I want to prove them wrong. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, Yeah. I mean, I don't know. Put me at a press conference, see what happens.

[B]

How's your cat? I know. I'm trying. I'm trying.

[A]

That really means a lot. He's good. I love him so much. My cat named Walter, he's really special. Caleb won't come over and meet him.

[B]

I don't like the way he looks. His face is very. His face is very. It's menacing to me.

[A]

Yeah, he's a Persian cat. So he has a flat face.

[B]

Well, don't say these Persian. That makes me seem prejudiced.

[A]

Well, I. I don't know.

[B]

I'm not prejudiced.

[A]

I. You're the one. I didn't say anything.

[B]

Yeah, he just. He's. He's menacing to me.

[A]

He's. No, I really love him. I. Maddie, our friend got me a cat psychic.

[B]

Okay. Yeah. That's interesting.

[A]

And, I mean, she had a lot of really insane things to say.

[B]

I'm certain that she did.

[A]

She goes, your cat has adhd. And she goes, do you look like him? And we do kind of look alike.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And I was like, a little bit. And she goes, he'd like to be in matching green outfits with you. And she goes, and he really wants to meet your dad. And I said, why? She said, he's a character, you know? And apparently he wants a cape.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I'm gonna get him one for Halloween.

[B]

I would like some praise for how well I'm handling all of this.

[A]

You're handling it really well. Listen, a lot, because I want to.

[B]

Act out right now.

[A]

I mean, she did say some insane shit. She was like, he feels like Count Dracula. And I was like, I think the call needs to end.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The idea of a cat psychic in general has really upset me. Everything you said has upset me. It's obviously funny, but, like, I don't like that she got paid to do that.

[A]

Well, it was a gift, and I appreciated it for Maddie and. But, yeah, no, he's a really special. I didn't really know, like, animals could make you feel this way. It's opened up a side of me I just. Like, I never knew existed. But he's worried about me.

[B]

Walter.

[A]

Yeah. He makes me realize how quite unstable I am.

[B]

What is he, as a cat doing to make you feel that way?

[A]

Well, it's like, you know, I'll be sobbing, and he's kind of staring at me like.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then five minutes later, I'm like, I love you. Like, you're my special boy. And he's just like, you're batshit. You know what I mean? Like, it affects him. Yeah, it affects him.

[B]

He's affected.

[A]

He hides.

[B]

He's affected.

[A]

He's deeply affected.

[B]

Yeah. Well, I have a question for you. What's so true to you today?

[A]

I don't know if you're gonna like this, but what's so true to me is that I think summer's really overrated.

[B]

Of course I like that.

[A]

You do?

[B]

Oh, yeah. Especially as someone who kind of worked all summer and didn't do anything fun. I'm really in a position to accept.

[A]

That I'm really, really over it. I get so sad in the summer. I don't. There's so many lines. It's like, why is there an event pop up at Hungry Ghost Coffee? Like, I just. I'm. Everyone's like, go to the beach. Go to the beach. The aliens are in the ocean. You know what I'm saying? There's sharks everywhere. I don't like it. Yes. Everyone's horny, but in a hurtful way. Like, in a. In a painful way. Yeah, I don't. I'm sweating from every orifice.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I go through, like, five pairs of underwear a day.

[B]

What?

[A]

I'm sweating. I'm sweating my pussy screaming, hell belt.

[B]

You're sweating through five pairs of underwear a day?

[A]

Yeah. I'd say.

[B]

Okay. We have a different perspective on summer.

[A]

Okay. What's yours?

[B]

I just think it's kind of hot, I guess, which lines up with the sweating thing. But you're like. You're like. It's horny in a hurtful way. And Hungry Ghost is too busy. I'm like, okay. We have a different.

[A]

It's just like a. I'm not having a. I like fall, so I'm so.

[B]

Glad you said that because it's so clear to me that autumn is the most ideal season that we have, and people don't respect it enough. I think actually. Actually, some like. Like, autumn girls who really go in for autumn have gotten a kind of a bad rap. It's a Christian girl fall type of thing. But I'm like, no, they're right.

[A]

They're right. They are right. And I think that it really stems beyond that, I feel like you have Halloween, which is very queer coded.

[B]

Halloween's extremely queer coded.

[A]

I like the leaves change. I like to brood. You can yearn. You can write a little bit.

[B]

Folk music hits different in the fall.

[A]

There's smells, These nostalgic smells. Especially if you grew up somewhere with seasons. It's like just the change of the. There's something about fall. I could cry thinking about it. I can't wait. I need summer to be over.

[B]

God, fall is gonna be so good.

[A]

It's gonna be so good.

[B]

If this fall doesn't hit, I'm gonna have to make some serious decisions.

[A]

I'll be dead.

[B]

What? Hey. What? No, this fall needs to hit really bad. I kind of felt that about summer. And then summer got away from me. And nothing. Nothing fun happened. Like, plenty of fun things happened. But I worked a lot.

[A]

You also, like, didn't miss anything. It was just, like, too hot.

[B]

I know. I just wish I. Yeah. I thought I told myself that summer wouldn't get away from me this year. And it did. But fall will not slip through my fingers. No, I will not allow it. I will have a gorgeous fall.

[A]

We're gonna have a gorgeous fall.

[B]

I will have a gorgeous fall.

[A]

We're gonna get big hats and we're gonna get scars.

[B]

That's not part of it for me.

[A]

We should go to church one time.

[B]

I'll go to church. You know, I go to Universal Universalist Unitarian Church sometimes. Yeah, you can go with me anytime.

[A]

Yeah, I do unitary. I'm gonna start doing that stuff because it's beautiful.

[B]

Those people are only a little bit strange and mostly lovely.

[A]

I know. I'm gonna start working with a bunch of them. We'll see how it goes.

[B]

Being a little bit strange is actually beautiful.

[A]

Oh, 100.

[B]

Sometimes you want to be around somebody a little bit.

[A]

Do you think I'm a little bit or a lot that strange? Be honest.

[B]

I think you're perfect. And I mean that.

[A]

No, be real. I'm being level of strange. 0 to 10.

[B]

I think out of 0 being the least strange person I've ever met. Like a boring Normie. And 10 being like, what? You have to help me on the 10.

[A]

10. It's like, oof. Like.

[B]

Like might have bodies in the basement.

[A]

Yeah. Conspiracy theorists.

[B]

Conspiracy. The crazy.

[A]

Crazy. Yeah.

[B]

I would say on that scale of weird, I would say publicly, you present as like a four or a five. The truth is that you're rocking like a seven. And I love that. I love the real you. That I know. And I love the fake or the public? You.

[A]

You're like an honestly, your two faced fake.

[B]

Well, no, but I love. No, it's like the moon and rising thing or something or whatever. Yeah, you know.

[A]

Do you know yours?

[B]

Have I ever said this on here? What is my stuff?

[A]

You're an Aquarius. And I would guess that you're like a Leo moon. If I'm being honest.

[B]

Right. Would it say rising and I feel.

[A]

Like you're like a Scorpio rising.

[B]

I have to search Aquarius because I know that's my number one guy. My ascendant is Taurus. My son is Aquarius. My moon is Scorpio.

[A]

Oh, I knew there was Scorpio in there.

[B]

My Mercury is Aquarius. My Venus is Sagittarius.

[A]

Oh, interesting.

[B]

My Mars is Leo.

[A]

I'm a Mars in Leo too.

[B]

What does that mean?

[A]

It makes sense that we do performing. It means you're like Mars is like a lot of career. And then like if you're a Leo, it's performer, so it makes sense.

[B]

Okay, that's interesting.

[A]

And Sag Venus makes a lot of sense for you.

[B]

Sag Venus. Why? What is it?

[A]

That's in like love and dating. And Sag is very like carefree, wants to explore.

[B]

Like, you know, I don't find myself to be carefree in love and dating. I don't find. Do you think that's true of me?

[A]

Not like. Well, I. I feel like you, like when you were traveling. It's like you're always having some love affair somewhere.

[B]

Carly, we. We have a segment for you. The True false segment you've played before. I'm Gonna read you 10, 15 statements, okay? You tell me as quickly as you can if they're true or so you get 10 or more correct. I'm gonna give you 50 US dollars.

[A]

Are you serious?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I better get this.

[B]

Cheerios is the most popular cereal in the us.

[A]

True.

[B]

True. Dune is older than Star Wars.

[A]

True.

[B]

True. Rocky Balboa was a real person.

[A]

True.

[B]

False. There are four stars on the Chicago flag.

[A]

False.

[B]

True. There have only been 11 EGOT winners.

[A]

True.

[B]

False. 27. Barbie was invented by a woman named Ruth.

[A]

Yeah. True.

[B]

True. Octopuses have three hearts.

[A]

True.

[B]

True. Avocados are vegetables.

[A]

False.

[B]

False. They're fruits. Nutmeg is a hallucinogen.

[A]

True.

[B]

True. The last letter added to the English Alphabet is J.

[A]

True.

[B]

True. Philadelphia City hall is the largest municipal building in the country.

[A]

Ugh, I should know this. True.

[B]

True. Ducks are herbivores.

[A]

True.

[B]

False. Omnivores. There are no operational Chuck E Cheese locations in the U.S. false. False.

[A]

I've been.

[B]

Deborah Huff is the current mayor of Doylestown, Pennsylvania.

[A]

True.

[B]

False. Noni West Sloss moves three times faster in water than on land.

[A]

Oh, I. I believe that.

[B]

True, true. How'd she do?

[A]

Do I really get 50 bucks or that?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, something like that. Something like that. Something will happen. Don't worry about it. Carly, is there anything you want to tell the people that we didn't get to.

[A]

I just want you guys to know that Caleb is really as amazing as he seems.

[B]

Carly, come on, man.

[A]

And he is just such a good friend. And I love you very much.

[B]

Tell them where they can find you.

[A]

Probably on Instagram. You can follow me there. I don't really use anything else.

[B]

Nice. I love you.

[A]

I love you, too.

[B]

Great episode.

[A]

It was so fun. Thanks for having me again. Oliveir.

[B]

That was a Headgum podcast.

[A]

Hi, I'm Ilana Hope Levinson.

[B]

And I'm Dan o'. Sullivan.

[A]

And this is the Outfit, the new podcast from Higher Ground and Headg.

[B]

We're two journalists who are slightly obsessed with the mob and organized crime and other nefarious stuff like that.

[A]

Every week, we're gonna bring you a story about a mobster. Some you've heard of, some you definitely haven't. But all of them are gonna help explain why America is like this.

[B]

See, the mob explains all sorts of things, from milk expiration dates to why we got into Cuba to Las Vegas gay bars. Who knew? Who knew the mobs involved.

[A]

All that and more. Subscribe to the Outfit wherever you get your podcasts and watch video episodes on YouTube. New episodes every Thursday. What's up, everybody? I'm Kyle Mooney.

[B]

And what's up, everybody? I'm Beck Bennett. And man. Ooh, we got something to tell you. Oh, yeah, we definitely do.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

It's a brand new podcast on Headgum. That's right. And it's called what's Our Podcast? Yep. And that's because we don't have have.

[A]

A single idea what our podcast should be about.

[B]

Yeah, we don't. So we actually have guests come on and they tell us what they think our podcast should be about. And then we try it. Yep. Guests like Mark Marin, Jack Black, Brittany Broski, Cape Berlan, Bobby Moynihan, Meg Stalter. And Tim Ball. Landon Axler, Jory, Joanie McGree. And Dender and Dender. New episodes release every Wednesday, so subscribe to what's our podcast on YouTube or any of your favorite podcast platforms.

[A]

Yeah, I'm gonna go do it.

[B]

Right.