Chris Fleming Returns

Summary

Podcast Title: So True with Caleb Hearon
Episode: Chris Fleming Returns
Release Date: January 9, 2025
Host/Author: Headgum
Description:
Weekly podcast from beloved gay comedian Caleb Hearon. Basically just getting into it and sorting it all out and kind of identifying what’s really real.

---

Episode Summary: Chris Fleming Returns

In this lively episode of So True with Caleb Hearon, Caleb welcomes returning guest Chris Fleming back to the studio. The conversation is a whirlwind of personal anecdotes, humorous exchanges, and insightful discussions that delve into their friendship, changes over time, and various quirky observations about life and media.

---

1. Recurring House Issues and Delayed Meetups ([00:02] – [00:41])

The episode kicks off with Chris explaining the frequent reasons why their meetups have been interrupted.

• Chris: "The last, like, four or five times I've tried to hang out with you, there's been some issue with your house in the woods." ([00:04])
• Caleb: "My chandelier just blew up." ([00:08])

Notable Quote:

• Caleb: "You realize that we're recording now, and so you have to be careful." ([00:11])

---

2. Celebrating Chance's 30th Birthday ([00:37] – [05:07])

Chris and Caleb delve into the festivities surrounding their friend Chance's milestone 30th birthday, sharing gift ideas and humorous banter about how 30 suits Chance.

• Chris: "Why would you wish them a big happy birthday?" ([00:41])
• Caleb: "I was going to give him a koi. You know, like what, a koi pond." ([00:55])

Notable Quote:

• Chris: "30 feels good on him." ([01:12])

---

3. Observing Changes in Friendship ([05:07] – [10:25])

Caleb remarks on the noticeable changes in Chris over their friendship, particularly his use of costumes and disguises during podcast recordings.

• Caleb: "I think I've seen mostly you've become a man of many disguises." ([05:07])
• Chris: "I've worn a Minions piece... a mirage man dressed like a chicken bone." ([05:30])

Notable Quote:

• Caleb: "You're masquerading as things now." ([05:38])

---

4. Frustrations with Air Travel ([06:08] – [10:25])

Caleb shares a frustrating experience from a transcontinental flight, detailing the disruptive behavior of a ten-year-old girl in first class and his resulting disdain for frequent travel.

• Caleb: "I flew from JFK airport in New York to Los Angeles." ([06:08])
• Caleb: "A 10-year-old girl crossed the aisle from me... she ordered four Diet Cokes." ([06:40])

Notable Quote:

• Caleb: "I hate traveling so much at this point." ([07:23])

---

5. Headgum Studio Debates and Guest Interactions ([12:16] – [20:11])

The duo discusses their turbulent relationship with Headgum, debating the suitability of studio locations and expressing frustrations over guest dynamics.

• Caleb: "I got in a fight with Headgum on the last episode." ([03:10])
• Chris: "Look at the freaks who do Headgum shows." ([03:27])

Notable Quote:

• Caleb: "Nobody, no respectable Manhattan person should have to see the freaks and ghouls." ([03:27])

---

6. Personal Health Struggles and Self-Motivation ([25:15] – [45:16])

Caleb opens up about his mental health challenges, detailing his routines for self-motivation and his experiences with healthcare professionals.

• Caleb: "I have to give myself a speech that's so intense, it could only be compared to an Oscar winning monologue." ([25:15])
• Caleb: "When I have to say, 'I need zero,' I'm feeling generous." ([25:46])

Notable Quote:

• Caleb: "I have to go. Get up and stop wasting your life away." ([25:51])

---

7. Media Critiques and Pop Culture Observations ([44:16] – [60:25])

The conversation shifts to critiques of contemporary media, including discussions about comedians like Sebastian Maniscalco and Darren Vaughan’s controversial actions.

• Chris: "Sebastian Maniscalco thinks he's doing observational comedy... projecting insanity." ([62:58])
• Caleb: "We gotta get you on Letterboxd." ([63:26])

Notable Quote:

• Chris: "I think it's the ravings of a lunatic. And if you watch his movie... it's high art." ([63:21])

---

8. True or False Segment ([73:27] – [80:40])

A playful and engaging "True or False" quiz ensues, where Caleb and Chris challenge each other's knowledge with a series of random facts, leading to humorous debates and friendly competition.

• Chris: "True or false: Pigs can sweat." ([74:02])
• Caleb: "False." ([74:04])

Notable Quote:

• Chris: "You keep talking about your fits. Your fits are great." ([41:47])

---

9. Reflections and Closing Remarks ([80:40] – [81:15])

As the episode wraps up, Caleb and Chris share final thoughts, express appreciation for each other's presence, and tease future episodes with light-hearted banter.

• Caleb: "You can find me at Caleb Heron on Instagram." ([81:21])
• Chris: "I love you." ([81:11])

Notable Quote:

• Caleb: "This has been a beautiful episode. I'm not convinced that there's not a gas leak in the room." ([80:49])

---

Key Takeaways:

• Friendship Dynamics: The episode highlights the evolving friendship between Caleb and Chris, marked by playful teasing and reflections on personal growth.

• Humor in Adversity: Both hosts showcase their ability to infuse humor into frustrating and challenging situations, such as travel woes and technical mishaps.

• Media Critique: Caleb and Chris provide insightful critiques of contemporary media and pop culture, offering unique perspectives grounded in their experiences.

• Mental Health Awareness: The conversation touches on personal struggles with mental health, emphasizing the importance of self-motivation and seeking support.

• Engaging Interaction: The "True or False" segment adds an interactive and entertaining element, engaging listeners with fun facts and friendly competition.

---

Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

1. Caleb on Recording Precautions:
   “You realize that we're recording now, and so you have to be careful.” – Chris ([00:11])

2. Chris on Chance's Age:
   “30 feels good on him.” – Caleb ([01:12])

3. Caleb on Masquerading:
   “You're masquerading as things now.” – Caleb ([05:38])

4. Caleb on Traveling Frustrations:
   “I hate traveling so much at this point.” – Caleb ([07:23])

5. Caleb on Self-Motivation:
   “I have to go. Get up and stop wasting your life away.” – Caleb ([25:51])

6. Chris on Observational Comedy:
   “I think it's the ravings of a lunatic. And if you watch his movie... it's high art.” – Chris ([63:21])

7. Caleb on the True or False Segment:
   “This has been a beautiful episode. I'm not convinced that there's not a gas leak in the room.” – Caleb ([80:49])

8. Caleb on Instagram Presence:
   “You can find me at Caleb Heron on Instagram.” – Chris ([81:21])

---

Conclusion

So True with Caleb Hearon delivers another entertaining and insightful episode with Chris Fleming. The hosts navigate through personal stories, media critiques, and humorous challenges, offering listeners a blend of laughter and meaningful conversation. Whether discussing the quirks of friendships, the trials of travel, or the intricacies of mental health, Caleb and Chris provide a relatable and engaging podcast experience.

Transcript

[A]

This is a headgum podcast.

[B]

I think the last, like, four or five times I've tried to hang out with you, there's been some issue with your house in the woods.

[A]

My chandelier just blew up.

[B]

Caleb, Caleb, Caleb, I'm not kidding. You realize that we're recording now, and so you have to be careful. Oh, mere seconds ago, Chris. Yeah, yeah. The second I park, they turn the mics on.

[A]

Well, I felt Chances sneaky arm. Put a little go.

[B]

Put a little gopro inappropriately. You realize. You realize me, that we're recording on Chance's 30th birthday.

[A]

Yes. Yes.

[B]

Chance's birthday. Give it up for Chance's birthday.

[A]

Why would you wish them a big happy birthday?

[B]

Yeah. You gave him a gift. I saw that. Yeah, I was going to get him a gift. I was looking at a gift to bring here to the studio today, and then he asked me to go to dinner, and I said, well, if I'm going to dinner, I'm not getting you a box of cigars and going to rouse Hollywood.

[A]

I was going to give him a koi. You know, like what, a. You know, a koi pond.

[B]

Just one single koi.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. He would have appreciated that. He's a very grateful young man.

[A]

He supplies the koi pond. I supply the koi.

[B]

He's a former. He's a very grateful, formerly young man.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

30.

[A]

30 feels good on him.

[B]

30 looks good on him. He looks like a solid 30.

[A]

We were talking about it, and 30 is the first time I exhaled in my entire life.

[B]

Really? What were your 20s like? Tell me about your 20s.

[A]

I was bouncing around. Yeah, I was. True tigger mode.

[B]

You were going, tigger ye.

[A]

You know, I still have this wonderful friend Jer, and I would be going too hard, right. In college and after, whenever I was hamming up too much, he would go behind me and he'd go, all right, Chris. All right, Chris.

[B]

All right, Chris.

[A]

Like a clown whisperer.

[B]

Hey, why is he Matthew McConaughey?

[A]

He is. He has a Southern accent. He's from Brookline, Mass.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I gotta say, Caleb, I mean, the glow up here. Cause last time we recorded.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It was in, like, a doi checkpoint.

[B]

And can you believe people miss that? People miss that studio. They miss when things were simple.

[A]

I kind of hear that.

[B]

They recognize that I've gone Hollywood.

[A]

Yeah. There. It's a little. I mean. Yeah. You're a company man now.

[B]

You've noticed a shift in me during our friendship. I can feel it. You and. Do you want to speak on that it's a space for you to speak.

[A]

Oh, no, I actually haven't.

[B]

Not. Chris. Chris. Not doing my bit. Chris. Chris. Going. I'm not going to do that one.

[A]

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

[B]

Let's just go back to jr.

[A]

Sorry.

[B]

Let's go back to Jerry. Let's go Back to Jeremy McConaughey.

[A]

Let's go back to. Let's go back to the old studio.

[B]

Oh, well, you know what? I was going to tell you.

[A]

Chance taking out the carbon monoxide battery detector so we could get a clean take.

[B]

You know what? I was going to tell you.

[A]

What?

[B]

I had a crazy day today.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I flew from JFK airport in New York to Los Angeles.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

10 year old girl crossed the aisle from me. I don't know what she does for work to be in first class.

[A]

She's a plagiarist is what she is. If she's in first class as a. Whoa.

[B]

She's in first class.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

See, we're in the old studio in a way. Things are falling apart in here. Head gum. I got in a fight with head gum on the last episode.

[A]

Yeah?

[B]

Yeah. They had to release a statement.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because I said the studios in New York shouldn't be in Manhattan.

[A]

They're in Manhattan.

[B]

They're in. Chris, you know. You know, this is what the fuck I'm saying. Look at the freaks who do headgum shows. You seen one well adjusted person sitting in front of this thing?

[A]

No, no, it's guys with glasses facing from the camera. So as I was saying, last episode just shake.

[B]

Yeah. Nobody, no respectable Manhattan person should have to see the freaks and ghouls. No. That habitate the headgum universe, the subreddit. This Is there a headgum.

[A]

Should just be Phoenix. It should be in Phoenix.

[B]

Yeah, let's just move it to Phoenix. Arizona.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'll go out there.

[A]

Yeah. In one of the tunnels.

[B]

What the hell? Why not?

[A]

But I could see you cleaning up in Phoenix.

[B]

Oh, God. You know, Chris, you know what you asked me?

[A]

Okay. I've been thinking about what you asked me. Have I seen a change in you? And I. I have.

[B]

Okay. What is it?

[A]

Well, I've seen mostly you've become a man of many disguises. And whenever you're showing up all over the place. Am I for you, Paige, it's all. But it's you in various costumes and. But you wear these costumes. It's from a clip of a podcast. And you're wearing a costume like. I think at one point it was a Minions piece.

[B]

I've won. I've worn one single costume.

[A]

No, no, there was one where you look like a mirage a man would see in the desert where you were, like, dressed like a chicken bone.

[B]

Okay. I've worn two costumes. I remember Stavi. Stavros Halkius made me put on a fucking turkey for his podcast because he has no respect for me.

[A]

This is what I was going to ask you.

[B]

He has no respect for me. No one does.

[A]

There's a stillness to you in these costumes that. That makes it seem. It's like when you put a costume on a dog and they. And they go on movement strike.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's. You're completely statuesque in these, but you're. The clips I see are always at a point where you've forgotten. I think you're in the costume.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So you're genuinely speaking about something. You know, student counselor, whatever.

[B]

And you got dragged my whole shit.

[A]

It's you, Brittany and Drew. Which has major back of the bus, band camp energy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

On band trip.

[B]

Yeah. Causes ruckus back there. Yeah.

[A]

You're the drum major.

[B]

Yeah. Okay. Interesting.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You put me in a leadership role.

[A]

Oh, yeah, of course.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

You don't feel that.

[B]

You think that me wearing the costumes is a change that you've noticed in me?

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You're masquerading as things now.

[B]

Yeah. You think I'm putting on.

[A]

I go, who is this? Then I have to reverse Google search the eyes and I see. That's Caleb in there.

[B]

You couldn't tell it was me in the minion costume? No. You had to look it up.

[A]

Who's this?

[B]

Huh?

[A]

Who's this? Pompadour.

[B]

Wait, you got away from my story. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, sorry. 10 year old across the aisle.

[B]

10 year old.

[A]

Mm.

[B]

What does she do on this flight? Six hours. Transcontinental flight.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

First of all, she goes in hot. Two hours of extremely focused eyes next to the screen. Anime. 2 hours of anime glued to the screen. Okay? And I'm so. I'm starting to take notice of her behaviors. Before I fell asleep, she ordered four Diet Cokes. She is glued to the screen. So Elvis died pounding, pounding Diet Cokes watching anime. Then when I wake up, she is in the middle of taking. I'm not kidding. What I witnessed 200 selfies. Then she kicks her uggs off into the aisle and turns on Clueless. Okay. I'm addicted to her. I can't get enough. Then when they bring around the warm chocolate chip cookies, they give you one.

[A]

The Polar Express.

[B]

Never been Delta 1.

[A]

Hand feed you the.

[B]

Nougat Delta 1. Very nice experience, Delta. I love what you're doing on it.

[A]

Delta 1.

[B]

Delta 1. Delta 1. The lie down pods, they only do it in New York to la, in the States and back and forth. Maybe Boston to San Francisco or something as well.

[A]

Where there's like a shower.

[B]

Yeah, well, I wish some of those people. Chris, don't get. Chris, don't get me started. Some of those people. Today I was those people. Today actually was a low point for me in travel. Today was the first time I wore sleep pants to the airport.

[A]

Like PJs.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I am officially somebody I've been to test. Like, I've been disgusted by Night Guardian. I do. Oh, yeah, it's. I'm just over. I can't anymore.

[A]

No.

[B]

I hate traveling so much at this point.

[A]

Oh, me too.

[B]

Oh, when they brought the hot cookies around, she asked if she could have two more.

[A]

I feel like you're going to find that she's probably like like some. Someone's daughter, you know, that's probably like.

[B]

We'Re all someone's daughter, Chris.

[A]

But like, don't you find that's so true.

[B]

Don't you find. I'm trying to have a serious episode with you this time.

[A]

We're all someone's daughter. I saw everything capital ever the of every one of those words capitalized.

[B]

We're all someone's daughter, Chris. Yeah, don't you find?

[A]

I mean, like, she's probably like Natasha Bedingfield's daughter and she's probably Natasha Bedingfield's daughter. Yeah, she's probably like some pop star that we don't. She probably has massive following. Yeah, she's probably gonna be in the Rachel Sennett show.

[B]

Everyone's in the Rachel Sennett show.

[A]

Everyone's daughter is in Rachel Sennett. I think they should, for that show, they should record it in front of a live audience of Gen Z. And it's just silent. And then occasionally someone just goes, I'm laughing.

[B]

Well, we could have you do that. You could get paid for that. That'd be nice.

[A]

With my team. I'm not getting paid for that.

[B]

That's tough to hear. Cause we share a manager. I know it's really tough to hear.

[A]

I'm not including Olivia on that. She's good. Yeah, she'll get me paid.

[B]

You're doing very well, Chris. Your clip's everywhere. People loving Chris Fleming.

[A]

People loving Caleb.

[B]

More than that, people loving Chris Fleming.

[A]

Well, I appreciate that.

[B]

I'm loving everything you're posting. You've been on Fire. You've always been great. You know that? You're one of my favor. And you don't want me to be earnest. I know you don't want me to be earnest, but I'm being earnest.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I'm entering Earnest Hour.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You've always been one of my favorites.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

But you've been on fire.

[A]

Thanks.

[B]

You've really killing it lately. I'm really loving everything I'm seeing.

[A]

Well, I decided. What am I. What am I saving it for?

[B]

Yeah, put it out. What are you waiting. What are you holding on to it?

[A]

The cavalry's not coming, baby.

[B]

Yeah. It's just us.

[A]

Yeah, man, it's just me. Am I gonna hoard material?

[B]

Rogue artists on the road.

[A]

Put it out.

[B]

You're a road dog.

[A]

Kinda.

[B]

Waxahachie is making me do her birthday show. Okay.

[A]

Okay. Who?

[B]

Waxahachie. You know her music.

[A]

You're 15 steps ahead of me.

[B]

Incredible.

[A]

I only know about the Dixie Chicks.

[B]

Been on the show. They've changed their name, Chris. They're just the chicks now.

[A]

I was gonna figure they were like the Dixie Women or something. Yeah, the Dixie Gals. But the Dixie Gals, they kept the chicks.

[B]

We should be the Dixie gals.

[A]

We are in my. In my group chat with each other.

[B]

We're so close to having a show together. We're so close to having a show together.

[A]

I know.

[B]

You know they're working on it.

[A]

Well. Oh, yeah. But let's be realistic. It's like it's gonna. You have to go viral every day of your life.

[B]

I think. I am.

[A]

You are.

[B]

I'm trying, so.

[A]

And then on our deathbeds, we get comics to watch.

[B]

Yeah. We get jfl. We get jfl. What a fucking racket.

[A]

Well, Vancouver is. I think it's like a phantom limb. JFL. Vancouver is like, like. I think it's like the go. They claim to still be doing it.

[B]

JFL is a money laundering front. JFL. JFL? New Faces is always like 17, 20 year olds with 375,000 followers on every platform.

[A]

That's what I'm talking about.

[B]

Who were signed by UTA when they were six.

[A]

Did Shirley Temple have a fall like when they discovered her? I love how people are like, you got something, kid? Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

A viable business for the last 25 years.

[B]

A business manager who manages a $600,000 a year touring business is what. They have a new face, right? Oh, this fucking business.

[A]

It's making me smile.

[B]

You and I, we know there's something else.

[A]

Well, we're. We're Tortoises. Olivia's got tortoises.

[B]

Yeah, we'll speak on that.

[A]

You know, hunched, slow. No, it's like punched in slow.

[B]

Hunched and slow. It's just. It's kind of.

[A]

We're gonna pop in. I'm gonna pop in my late.

[B]

You think? Oh, yeah, I think you've popped. I think you're gonna pop again.

[A]

Really?

[B]

You're gonna pop some more along the way?

[A]

Do you ever feel like, oh, my God, like with the New Year's thing, it's like, oh, my God, I gotta.

[B]

Do that again another year.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

How are you doing?

[A]

I mean, career wise. No, I don't mean in life.

[B]

Okay, good. You're liking being alive. Okay, good. Checking in? Yeah, checking in.

[A]

You texted me.

[B]

We got the couches. We don't have to record this.

[A]

You call an animal control.

[B]

On the other hand, another year of work. You know what's really funny?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I was with Brittney Broski right before this.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And she said, I thought I sniffed.

[A]

A little Broski on.

[B]

Yeah, there's a little Broski in the air.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I said. I said, I'm going to record with Chris Fleming. I'm so excited. She said, how are you going to get in the zone to be on that guy's level? I said, I'm not. I'm going to bring a tranq gun and I'm going to date him so that we can. So that we can be on the same level. Because I can't get to where he is.

[A]

You got to grab me by the ears.

[B]

Say, we have to get through this, and I will. At some point, I'm sure we have to be professional.

[A]

Chris, please, please.

[B]

Is his head gum.

[A]

We're not in the Social Security office that you used to record him. Instead of all this. It was just chunks of insulation on the wall.

[B]

It is annoying that Muna gets to do their show in here.

[A]

They do.

[B]

I don't like sharing a space with those lesbians. Goodness. I mean, what the heck is going on with those three?

[A]

I love to. I have recently found myself accepted into the lesbian elite.

[B]

Have you not always been.

[A]

No, no.

[B]

You had trouble getting into the lesbian elite?

[A]

Well, you gotta be careful. You gotta kinda, you know. Yeah. You go, you go out, you go in, you go out, you dip a.

[B]

Toe into the lesbian elite and then you get out. And then you get out.

[A]

Yeah. When they start doing this stuff by the fire.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you're kidding. But that's. I've gone to lesbian parties and they're literally Doing that by the fire.

[A]

Caleb. Caleb. I'm not kidding.

[B]

Do you know how many. Do you know how many, like, full moon ceremonies I've been invited to?

[A]

Yeah. To see the way they relate to the moon. It is astonishing.

[B]

It's astonishing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Being friends with an LA lesbian is not for the faint of heart. You have no idea how much gratitude you can express. You have no idea how much reflecting and checking in can be done until you've hung out with an LA lesbian.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You have no idea the intentions. You can write down and set on fire and give them over to the universe.

[A]

Burn this.

[B]

You have no idea.

[A]

No.

[B]

What twigs can mean.

[A]

Do they ever switch clothes with you?

[B]

Well, no.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

None of them are big enough.

[A]

Katie Gavin Small. She's always switching clothes with me.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Well, it only happened once, actually.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

At Largo.

[B]

What happened?

[A]

In the middle of a podcast, she goes, come with me. We're recording. And then she tears me backstage and we swap shirts.

[B]

Tears you asunder.

[A]

Tears me asunder. And then I come back out wearing her clothes.

[B]

What shirt did you end up in?

[A]

It was. It was a barely there situation. Yeah, it was very. It was very revealing.

[B]

That's nice.

[A]

Yeah. The kind of thing my grandfather's looking down on and going.

[B]

Yeah. Your grandfather, huh?

[A]

Yeah. Called me Butch.

[B]

What?

[A]

He used to call me Butch. And I don't chance. I don't know. He did. I don't know if it was ironic or if he was trying to, like, manifest it.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like. He's like, manly. My manly grandson.

[A]

Yeah. Let's jump the car. Ah.

[B]

Good to be a boy, is it not?

[A]

Hey, Butch.

[B]

Hey, Butch. I beg.

[A]

Hi. I'm covered in hula hoops. You can just see my eyes.

[B]

Hi. What were you like as a kid?

[A]

I was shy, but I wrote Chris the Comedian. I would sign my name Chris the Comedian in kindergarten.

[B]

Stop it.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

That's adorable.

[A]

And also, they're moaning in the producer's studio.

[B]

That's adorable. But a horrifying mark of a sociopath, I think.

[A]

Oh, totally.

[B]

Chris the Entertainer. You being like, I will. The masses will listen.

[A]

Yeah. And they were like, yeah, Chris is gonna be a comedian.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He's not gotten into it yet. He's saving it. And I didn't. I didn't speak until I was three.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I could see us being kind of similar as kids. Very sensitive, you and me. Yeah. What were you like?

[B]

I was very sensitive.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, Yeah. I was really. I was really. Yeah. I was really a soft. It's pathetic. It was pathetic.

[A]

No.

[B]

Oh, it was so sad.

[A]

No, it's your gift.

[B]

Know how to be tough. No. I'm strong.

[A]

Yeah, you are.

[B]

No, I was very sensitive kid.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When did you get, when did you get tough? Well, in high school you were a narc, right. You're open about it.

[B]

You're 100% right. But to have a dear friend look at me and say, in high school you were a narc. Right. So brutal.

[A]

I think about that story. I don't want to.

[B]

Yeah. I was boring in high school. I was so boring in high school. You know this. I was such a little freak. Not in the fun way either. Other kids, I was a freak in the way where like I really thought student government mattered.

[A]

It did.

[B]

I got that we were making big differences.

[A]

What was your role in student government?

[B]

Well, school spirit chair.

[A]

Yeah. What were some days?

[B]

Some day. Oh golly. Well, I'll tell you a day that caused controversy.

[A]

Uh huh.

[B]

That's when we had dress up like Principal Sharrow Day.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Some kids took some liberties.

[A]

Well, yeah. And his principal Cheryl, ready to be seen like that.

[B]

Yeah. Well, he was not a fat man, but he just was a. He was a. He was, he had a little bit of a tummy, a tiny tummy. He was a thin guy, really.

[A]

He had a healthy paunch.

[B]

Bunch of people put pillows in their shirts, of course. And he did. I don't think he loved that. And I think.

[A]

Well, they had limited tools.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What are they gonna, what are they gonna do? Prosthetics?

[B]

I can't do like a nose or a hair or anything.

[A]

No, no, a soul pat. What kind of facial hair?

[B]

I watched. Yeah, a little, A little soul pat? A little like a little goatee.

[A]

Yeah, Yeah.

[B]

I watched him take a picture with three like good looking teenage boys wearing pillows in their shirts to imitate him. And I saw a pain in that I hadn't seen in a grown man yet before.

[A]

Totally.

[B]

And I, and I marked that moment as like, wow, aging is. Aging is a nightmare.

[A]

Probably in a power position like that, you have to be ready to be satirized by the teens.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

By your people. The serfdom.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They're going to have, they're going to come for you.

[B]

Do you get come for ever? Like, does the right wing people ever get ahold of your stuff? Is that what happens to you?

[A]

No. I mean, no, they don't. Oh God. I'm trying to think like it's mostly just women telling me that they astral project with me every Once in a while, the most people, the most I get is like, this sucks.

[B]

That's it.

[A]

Yeah, it's like, it's. I would think it would be a lot worse.

[B]

Oh, I got targeted by a right wing campaign recently.

[A]

Oh, you on Z Way was incredible.

[B]

Oh, thank you.

[A]

You were like Jon Stewart and Tucker. Tucker Carlson or something. You were unflappable.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

I couldn't believe it.

[B]

That's beautiful, Chris. Thank you for saying.

[A]

I would have. My glasses would have fogged up. So you and I were men with glasses.

[B]

That's one thing about us.

[A]

And I think you're probably like me. You want to leave a social interaction with them. You don't want the world remembering the glasses. But when I freak out, like if I'm bombing, which at Largo, it'll happen a lot. If I'm doing someone's in Friends show, they'll think they're like, who's this old woman with new ideas, you know?

[B]

And then you're bombing at Largo on.

[A]

Other people's and French show.

[B]

I don't believe that.

[A]

Oh, no, no. I'm eating ass. Like, I'm doing so bad.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. Flanny's the only one laughing in the back.

[B]

Yeah, Flanny's giving a big Irish laugh from the side stage. He loves you.

[A]

But my glasses fog when I'm not doing. And if I were doing that Z Way situation, my glasses would have fogged immediately.

[B]

Really?

[A]

And you were just. How'd that feel?

[B]

Good. I mean, I was fine with. I wasn't nervous about the to do Z way. Yeah, I didn't feel like, you know, I think there's an interesting thing about white people who get nervous about a situation like that. And it's that they are, they're. They're genuinely fearful that they're going to get caught in something that they're like, oh, I actually have some bad ideas sitting under here that are going to get. They're going to get plucked out. And I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I'm like, I feel. But there's so much, like enough trust.

[A]

There's so much silence that's. You know, I would start admitting to crimes I didn't commit.

[B]

Right. The silence scares you.

[A]

Yeah, we.

[B]

I will say she. Z way's use of silence is pronounced. And you see it in the edit. It's in the room. She will, she will throw something at you and then stare at you for 175 seconds. Like she will just sit. Her team's not wrestling. No. One's moving in the room. No, it's dead silent.

[A]

Yeah, it's interesting, but you got. You're stepping into some power. That's some media training right there.

[B]

I. Have you ever had media training?

[A]

Oh, every day of my life. Caleb, they got you. Me and my dad. My dad wakes me up, takes you to the gym. All right, Chris. All right, let's do this.

[B]

Chair's there.

[A]

Yeah. All right.

[B]

All right, Chris.

[A]

You know, I hear that if I'm hamming it up too much. All right, Chris. Then he walks away.

[B]

I don't think you can ham it up too much.

[A]

Oh, I can't. I mean, you should have seen me back then. I was going way too hard.

[B]

I would have loved to know you.

[A]

I was walking around doing the.

[B]

You're doing that now on the streets. That's for friends and family.

[A]

That's me on the streets.

[B]

Yeah. That is you in the streets.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You also tricked me into having a full calorie coke. You said you wanted one. I got inspired.

[A]

Oh, I'm gonna have it now.

[B]

I mostly threw mine. You haven't touched yours.

[A]

I'm gonna. You've barely touched yours.

[B]

You've barely touched your full calorie coat. Chris. What's going on? Isn't that stuff good? Isn't that stuff good?

[A]

The amount of sugar I have in a day. How much?

[B]

What are we talking?

[A]

Oh, you. I mean it. I mean, I'm. When I. When they cut me open and. And study me.

[B]

Are you giving your body to science?

[A]

Of course.

[B]

Yeah, I hoped.

[A]

Everything but the nose.

[B]

Where's it going?

[A]

My family.

[B]

To your family?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They gonna, like, put it in a shadow box or something?

[A]

It's up to them what they're gonna do with it.

[B]

Yeah. Don't prescribe. I don't prescribe to tell them what to do with the nose.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. No, the matter. I. I'm post food mostly. I mean, I. I'm. I'm telling you, this is my. I'm not even kidding. It's my second of the day.

[B]

What is that?

[A]

Boba passion fruit green tea. And it's run by these teens who are trying to get me on letterboxd. They write on the mess. They write on it when Chris letterboxd win.

[B]

No.

[A]

Cause it's what teens are using as social media is letterboxd.

[B]

No, they're not.

[A]

They're just. The way they connect is they're just tearing movies apart.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. From what I hear, young people have been through. They went through Covid.

[B]

They're fine. They're gonna be fine. Everyone now acts like they're going through something. Most people are going through nothing.

[A]

No, people are going through. I saw a businessman walking on the 110 the other day. People. People are going through it. I saw. I saw a guy the other night. I'm not even kidding, holding a Frappuccino with a turtleneck Like. Like the turtleneck was. Like. It was. It was grabbing the neck.

[B]

This is not a businessman, Chris.

[A]

No, no, this is a different guy.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Turtleneck up to here, grinning, holding a Frappuccino, just walking in circles. 7pm Vintage frappuccino. No, people are going through it.

[B]

Yeah, you're right. I was trying on that idea. I don't think I liked it when I said it.

[A]

No. It's funny.

[B]

Yeah. Thank you. Let me ask you a question. Sure. How many times a week would you say conservative? Let me say this to you when I say to you, is this a shower?

[A]

Is this a cleanliness question?

[B]

No.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Would never ask you that.

[A]

Several times a day, you're showering.

[B]

Several times a day, bathing. Really?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Don't lie to me.

[A]

I'm not. I wouldn't lie to you.

[B]

You, like, live in the woods, don't you?

[A]

Kind of, yeah.

[B]

Every time I. I think the last, like, four or five times I've tried to hang out with you, there's been some issue with your house in the woods?

[A]

My chandelier just blew up.

[B]

Caleb. Caleb. Caleb. I'm not kidding. Caleb. I'm not kid. Sparks.

[A]

It was Phantom of the Opera. I turned my thermostat off. Sparks rain down. I basically dive out of the way. It was more of, like, a pivot.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because I was telling Chance earlier, was it flight? Flight when you freak out?

[B]

Fight or flight?

[A]

Fight or flight?

[B]

Freeze.

[A]

I freeze.

[B]

You froze.

[A]

I lock up. I was telling Chance if I ever go night swimming. Hey, Chris. Why are you so quiet? I'm just freaking out.

[B]

You're freaking out to go light swimming?

[A]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like, you know, the black water.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Anyway, chandelier blows up. Caleb. Chandelier blows up. Then like a birthday cake in the middle. Fire.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I call fire department. They come over in their, you know, Hazmat suits. They're like this. This fucking pansy.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. They're like, hey, Butch.

[A]

They're showing me. They're, like, showing me everything.

[B]

They're like.

[A]

Like, this is a circuit breaker.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What you were doing, like, we've never seen. We don't know how. You're alive, living like this. No, it is.

[B]

No, Chris.

[A]

But it was bad. Yeah. And so they had to like kind of hold my hand through everything.

[B]

And it's always something with you in that house.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'll get a text from you. Hey, I'm gonna have to cancel dinner. The. All the pipes are gone. All the pipes are gone. I don't know where they went, man. I'm not gonna make it down.

[A]

I'm getting fleeced, obviously. Plumbers see me and they're like.

[B]

Then when you start involving the firefighters who aren't getting paid, that's when the attitude comes.

[A]

Oh, yes.

[B]

Yeah. They're not getting paid by the project.

[A]

They were cool, the firefighters.

[B]

How so?

[A]

Oh, my God. They came in with like a thermal camera like, like to show me. They're like. Yeah, yeah, that's.

[B]

That's.

[A]

That was the fire.

[B]

That thing's broken, sir.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it was an exposed wire to the. Anyway, sorry I interrupted you. You were gonna ask me a question. Well, how many times a week when.

[B]

I tell you that? About five times a day. Just to get through my day. And my days are not hard. I have a pretty charmed life at this point and it's insane that I have that I struggle with anything. But about five times a day I have to give myself a speech that's so intense, it could only be compared to like an Oscar winning monologue, a Denzel watching. Are you having to do that? Let me give you an example.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Say it's 8:30am I have one thing to do for the day.

[A]

Oh, too much.

[B]

By the way.

[A]

I need. I'm not telling. I need zero.

[B]

I need zero.

[A]

Zero.

[B]

And if something comes up, maybe I do it because I'm feeling generous. Yeah, I need zero.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

So I have one. And it's obviously making me, you know, freak the out.

[A]

S word.

[B]

I'm. It's 8:30. 8:30 in the morning.

[A]

Are we talking assisted? Are we talking assisted?

[B]

Oh, I would have a doctor involved.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I can kill myself.

[A]

Yeah, you'd have a quack. I could see you. I get. You're getting so big. You get. Get a quack doctor soon. Like a Dr. Blue or Dr. Red.

[B]

Yeah, just start sending me pills. Just send me something. I go. Send me anything.

[A]

I love those guys.

[B]

I just want pills. Love those guys.

[A]

Oh my God.

[B]

But I would say, yeah, it's 8:30, my alarm's gone off. 30 minutes ago. All the. By the way, the thing I'm getting up to do is put on an outfit that looks like. Stop. It feels Amazing. Like, I'm talking like stained sweatpants. I'm going to walk and get a coffee. I'm going to smoke half a joint. I'm going to read a book I adore. I'm going to have a delicious little bite of something. That's the thing I can't get out of bed to go into. Right? And so, and so I'm saying I have to say out loud to myself, you pathetic. I have to go. I have to go. Get the fuck up and stop wasting your life away. Or to get on a zoom.

[A]

You're like. You're like the mom in Psycho talking to yourself.

[B]

Never seen it, but I'll have to take your word for it, you little bitch.

[A]

It's stuff like that. Your hair sucks. Yes. It's just him.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

How often are you having to like motivate yourself in this way? Is it just me?

[A]

I call myself buddy. I'm gentler with myself. Okay, you got this, buddy. Yeah, okay, buddy.

[B]

That's really sweet.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. No, I'm too gentle with myself. I'm so easy on myself.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. I. Yeah, okay.

[A]

You got this, buddy.

[B]

Yeah, y'all, you already know. Today's episode is sponsored by our friends at Athletic Brewing. And I got excited about this ad, okay? Because my sober friends really, really, really drink this stuff. You can't keep sober people off these things. It's Athletic January, okay? Where you can do dry well your own way with great tasting NA brews. You can replace those alcoholic beverages you maybe used to drink or sometimes drink in the month of January or anytime you want with one of the delicious and refreshing non alcoholic options from Athletic Brewing. They've got hoppy and refreshing Run Wild ipa. They've got an upside down golden for that subtly sweet way to end your afternoon without the hangover tomorrow. We hate those. Unless you're talking about the movies. No matter what you're looking for in a great non alcoholic brew, the answer every single time, well, it's gonna be athletic, y'all. We're talking about what great flavor. Yeah, that's athletic. Award winning styles. How about that's athletic. Huge variety, guys. It's athletic every time. From IPAs, extra darks, sours, hazies and winter favorites like Belgian style whites. Belgian style whites? No. Okay. Irish style reds and more. Athletic Brewing has something for truly everyone. And I'll say again, there's no risk of a hangover the next day. Don't we love that, folks? We love it. Not having a hangover, folks. You can find these brews at bars and restaurants, grocery stores, and [e-mail] and they donate up to a hundred thousand dollars annually to organizations that are making a difference for marginalized communities through their Impact Brew series. There's nothing dry about Athletic Brewing Co. Non alcoholic brews. Give it a try and head to athleticbrewing.com SOTrue to find it near you. That's athleticbrewing.com S O T R U E to grab some fun brews near you. Athletic Brewing Co. Fit for all times near beer. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace Folks. Squarespace is the all in one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. If you need a website, and who doesn't these days, Squarespace has all the right tools for you. Whether you're just starting out or managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience, and sell anything from products to content to tickets. All in one place. All on your terms. They have amazing features like Squarespace Payments, which is the easiest way to manage your payments in one place. And it's so fast and simple. All it takes is a few clicks and you can start receiving payments right away. Plus give your customers more ways to pay with popular payment methods like Klarna Ach Direct Debit. Gotta be one of my favorites. Apple Pay Afterpay and even Clearpay. That's crazy. You can also connect major social and multimedia accounts to your website in a few clicks as icons, direct links or embedded feeds. And I love an embedded feed. As you all know, it's a great way to point customers directly to your products and content. And when you go to your favorite food influencer's website, you can easily find their Instagram, YouTube, TikTok or even their Facebook. If you so ch. Squarespace also helps with invoicing. They provide an easier way to collect payments so you can focus on growing your business, invoice clients and get paid for your services. I know that's right. Turn leads into clients with proposals, estimates and contracts and simplify your workflow and manage your services business on one platform. So head on over to squarespace.com SOTrue to start your free trial and when you're ready to launch, you can save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code. So true.

[A]

Is it working?

[B]

Are you doing well?

[A]

Honestly, I so I stopped drinking. It's like two years ago.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Alcohol?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

The doctor said if I was going to continue drinking, they were going to have to discover a Narcan from margaritas. When I, When I was drinking. When I was drinking, I was losing all my money on gofundmes. If I had $300 and not. And not good gofundmes. If I had $300, I'd give 250 to a guy in Cleveland trying to put jets in his bathtub. It'd be like, help Darren get a jacuzzi. Boom.

[B]

You're getting drunk.

[A]

You got it, Darren.

[B]

You're getting drunk and sending off GoFundMes.

[A]

Yeah. @ the end of the night, I.

[B]

Think I might like to get you back on liquor.

[A]

Well, I think, I think in my 50s. And again, liquor is very generous. It was mixed drinks with a heavy fruit on the mix.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, it was mostly heavy mixer.

[A]

And I think it was mostly placebo buzz. What I was getting.

[B]

Right. You were. Glass of cranberry juice with a shot of vodka.

[A]

Barely a shot.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I'm just, I mean, my reaction to sugar, I think, is, Is unusual. Like when I have one of these, I just start driving.

[B]

There's sugar in that?

[A]

Yeah, yeah. I'm. Oh, oh, this.

[B]

What is that?

[A]

So it's passion fruit, green tea.

[B]

Yeah, but.

[A]

And the boba I don't like, as you see by all the bobas. Yeah, but I like, I like the, the brown sugar around it. So it creates this kind of a film, that kind of it, you know that. Yeah, yeah. You know, and that's how I get my ideas.

[B]

How many of those are you having a day right now?

[A]

If it's more than one, you know, they're like, hey, Chris, rough day, you know? Yeah, but usually just one.

[B]

You could really blow off some steam on Letterbox King. We'd love to see you over there. I love letterboxd because now you can watch movies and do homework about it.

[A]

Wait, what's that again?

[B]

I love letterboxd because now you can watch movies and do homework about it. Isn't that fun?

[A]

Are you, are you active on there? I could see you writing some scathing shit.

[B]

I will say. I will tell you. I, I have a. I have a burner letterboxd account.

[A]

Oh, are you gonna send it to me or what?

[B]

I, I, I have no one. I guarantee you. They were all surprised to hear that. I've never told a single person I heard Virginia go. I've never told a single person go.

[A]

Oh, oh, it's happening.

[B]

No, no one knows my hand. It's my birthday.

[A]

Oh. Oh, Chris. Okay, what would you log? What's the latest you log?

[B]

I don't log what are you talking.

[A]

You just, you just like. I came in under the water looking.

[B]

I don't log. I look. I comment.

[A]

You comment.

[B]

I share, I share photos. I'm going live on letterbox. Yeah. From my burner. Yeah. Someday I'll release it.

[A]

Have you seen Baby Girl yet?

[B]

No. Is it steamy or is it just like boring people?

[A]

Oh, it's the funniest shit in the world.

[B]

What is it? Everyone's being like, oh, my God, this is so kinky. I'm like, it seems like the lightest amount of kink ever.

[A]

Oh, it's not kink. I mean, it's not hot.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's this guy, first of all. It's the way Gen Z is treating me, getting me to open for them at the Elysian, by the way. Just this 22 year old just like comes out of nowhere and starts telling Kidman to sit in different parts of a. He's, it's, it's the vast majority of the movie is this guy placing Kidman being like, go stand over there. And she's like. And he's like, stand over there. And she goes, stand. I mean, it's the funniest shit in the world. It's like, sit on this. And it's like, it's like Nicole Kidman just like sitting like this. And everyone in the audience is like. And Caleb, there's one scene, there's a lot of forehead play.

[B]

Forehead.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. So there's like one. Come here. There's one scene where they're like talking like this and they're like kind of going up and down. And then when she gets.

[B]

You guys can never know how much pressure Chris is using.

[A]

By the way, when she gets pissed, he's like, over her and she gets pissed and she goes. And she, she like rubs up. I was on my feet. And there's a five minute clip of this kid dancing to Father Figure by George Michael. They don't even cut it. It's just five minutes and he, he just in this hotel room doing this.

[B]

Is he naked?

[A]

He's topless.

[B]

That'll work.

[A]

And she, and you just bit pan to her watching. And I'm just, I'm doing this with them in the crowd. I, I, I don't clap during movies. I was on my. You got to see this. It is funny.

[B]

Women are like wiping down their chairs at the AMC after this, I think.

[A]

But I think people think it's funny too.

[B]

So you don't think they're actually getting turned on?

[A]

Maybe some people are, I think so.

[B]

Many people are sexless kind of virgins that I think a lot of people think this is like the height of kink.

[A]

Is that what you're hearing?

[B]

I'm hearing that It's. I mean, I'm. I'm. See, I'm getting reaction. Videos of people being like. Like, like stumbling and trembling out of the theater. Like, they've just seen the hottest thing they've ever seen. And I'm like, have you guys had sex? I'm curious, like, what's going on?

[A]

Right. Right.

[B]

Someone being like, get on your knees is like. That's like. That's like step one.

[A]

It's right. It goes way beyond that. It's. It's. It's like, get on your knees. And he goes, actually, no, I want you to. Blair witch in the corner. And then she's just her. For I. I think 10 minutes in the corner. And it's not sexual. I mean, it is. The whole thing is. So. Again, I'm. Remember how Twitter used to show us how everyone felt about things. Like, we could kind of curate how people are feeling. I'm not looking at that anymore. So. No, I think I might just be losing my mind and completely misunderstanding movies.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, you gotta get on letterboxd, Chris.

[A]

I know. I gotta get on the boxed.

[B]

They need you on there.

[A]

I try to sign up and then I think it's.

[B]

I'm sorry to say, I think it's.

[A]

Pretty simple, pretty easy.

[B]

Yeah, I love you to death, but can I help you or.

[A]

Yeah, if you could give me a moment of your time and help me out. Getting on letterboxd.

[B]

What. What was the stumbling block for you on getting signed up?

[A]

I think I got locked out because it was like a confirmation email that I fucked up. I'm aging. I'm basically sundowning at this point.

[B]

I don't want you to drink that Coke. I don't want you to drink that. Now that I've ordered, you'll see the.

[A]

Light come back in my eyes.

[B]

Someone was in the concoction down there. Now I'm scared.

[A]

Have you seen those Ferraris to.

[B]

No, I haven't. I've been back to the movies. I know I've been doing bad. I've been doing bad. I need to.

[A]

He's got a thick mustache. That's all I'm telling you.

[B]

Who?

[A]

The guy.

[B]

Aren't there multiple of them?

[A]

You'll see.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It's like a shitty party city. Thick mustache.

[B]

Did you like it?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

The movie.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Kids, if I see it, I like it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's the Chris promise.

[B]

That's the Butch seal of approval. Yeah, that's me. If I saw it, I loved it.

[A]

Why don't I get a butch Small Nuts. People get so mad when I gotta keep talking through it. People go, enough. You gotta swallow that down. I store it in my cheeks someday.

[B]

Put it away. Swallow it.

[A]

I should get a butch tramp.

[B]

Stamp the name Butch on your. Above your ass.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I would love that. Yeah, I would absolutely love that. I'm realizing one of the mistakes of the new studio, specifically where you're a guest, is there's too much space for you to play. The old studio was small. You've been on the table, you've been on the back of the couch. You've been on me.

[A]

I see Headgum engineers, they're rigging a chain system to chain, like, to chain me to this kind of console right here.

[B]

Casey's working on that, so I. Yeah, we're making it Chris proof in here. Yeah, we're going to hold you in place.

[A]

Yeah. You're not getting this. Who's your last guest.

[B]

In here? Steph Tollef.

[A]

Oh, she's a mover.

[B]

She's a mover, but she was pretty tame on the episode.

[A]

She's blowing up, too.

[B]

Steph Tollef.

[A]

Yeah. Olivia. This is what I'm talking about. Olivia's got tortoises. Yeah, you know.

[B]

Did you get Christmas cookies from Olivia?

[A]

Don't tell me you got Christmas cookies. Did you?

[B]

No, I was just asking if you did.

[A]

Sounds like that sounds like something.

[B]

Did you?

[A]

Sounds like someone who got Christmas cookies from her.

[B]

You didn't get any?

[A]

No, I didn't get.

[B]

Me neither. I wish I did.

[A]

Do we have a polygraph in here?

[B]

Why did it come up? Why'd you bring that up?

[A]

She sent you.

[B]

What's going on?

[A]

This is why managers don't want what's going on. Clients knowing their shared client land.

[B]

My clients are unionizing because my. So my. My subs are unionizing. She gave me some Christmas cookies. I think it's because I was in New York. Yeah, you don't live in New York. You refuse.

[A]

She's crafty. She's good. I don't mean crafty in a tricky way. I mean, she's like. She makes really beautiful. She made little gnomes of me once.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

How'd you feel about that?

[A]

Incredible.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Her cookies were quite good.

[A]

I want to make. I have one in my house, and it makes me look like a bit of a. A narcissist you know, to have a gnome version of my.

[B]

Are you a narcissist?

[A]

I don't think so.

[B]

I don't think you are.

[A]

I think. Are you. I don't think you are.

[B]

I don't think I'm a narcissist. I do like myself a lot.

[A]

Have you taken the blood test?

[B]

Is that what that is? There's a blood test? Yeah. Let's get in there. We can sit in the lab.

[A]

It shows up in blood panels.

[B]

Take my hair. Take my hair and see what the follicles tell you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No, I don't think I'm a narcissist. Yeah, but I guess if someone made a really good argument, I would hear it.

[A]

I. Have you taken. You said the quiz is.

[B]

The quiz. There's a quiz for it.

[A]

Yeah, but it's like aol.com and then. Then to get the diagnosis, you got to pay, like, 7.99.

[B]

No, I hate when they do that, by the way.

[A]

It's really, really shitty.

[B]

No, I haven't taken that. Have you? Yeah, you got.

[A]

No, I got like a. I got a narcissistic. It was. No, it was like you got something going on, but I don't.

[B]

Is narcissist where you think you're the best?

[A]

No, I think it's actually a. It's rooted in a deep insecurity.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I think. But it's still like, you're. I mean, I'm.

[B]

No, come on. Do the DSM. Do the description for me.

[A]

What, are we on five now? DSM. Five.

[B]

DSM. Yeah. I think it's 12. Yeah, we're on the DSM. 12. Oh, here we go.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. Behaviors of a narcissist have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others. Oh, that's not me. I might. Yeah, that's not me. Be envious of others and believe others envy them.

[A]

My big problem is I have a police scanner on. In the sense that I'm always trying to feel what you're feeling. Feeling. I'm always trying to. I'm always like some. It takes me a while to get into my.

[B]

I think that's empathy.

[A]

Yeah, but I think it's like a.

[B]

Behave in an arrogant way, brag a lot, and come across as conceited.

[A]

For instance, the best car or office.

[B]

Insist on having the best of everything. That. I understand. That I understand. That's not fair. That can't be a bad thing. Oh, I want a nice car or office. Actually, my car sucks and I don't have an Office.

[A]

Yeah. It's a sign of.

[B]

I'm not a narcissist. I'm a loser. My life fucking sucks, man. My car's a piece of shit. I got no office.

[A]

Yeah. If you're showing your. If you're showing your face in anything other than a 2001 Acura. Yeah, you're a narcissist.

[B]

You're a narcissist.

[A]

You're a filthy narcissist.

[B]

You fucking freak. I'm a man of the people.

[A]

Yeah. I feel the people.

[B]

My car sucks. My house is cheap. My clothes are stained.

[A]

You keep talking about your fits. Your fits are great.

[B]

They're stained. This one's not. It's brand new. It'll be stained by the end of the day.

[A]

That's fine.

[B]

Yeah. Brian made this. Brian Robert Jones.

[A]

You ever. Have you ever dissed someone publicly?

[B]

Dissed someone publicly in a way that.

[A]

They then dis back?

[B]

Oh, Randy Rainbow.

[A]

Oh my God.

[B]

You remember that? Randy Rainbow blocked me on everything. That's stupid.

[A]

Talk about.

[B]

And we'll run. And we'll run that one.

[A]

Talk about Nosferatu.

[B]

Randy Rainbow coming back.

[A]

I mean, that's. You know, he's voting for Trump.

[B]

Randy Rainbow. If they. If they put gay people in work camps and said that Randy Rainbow was the reason, I would go gladly. I would sign myself up. I can't. That guy, man.

[A]

That's what I'm dreading about the next four years is his. His return to the throne.

[B]

Yeah. Randy Ramo's gonna be in the recording booth.

[A]

Oh yeah. God, hard as a rock.

[B]

He blocked like all Twitter gays for a day. Cuz we were being mean to him for doing something horrible. He made some horrible. Like, some, like, some like Obama is daddy and we're missing him while he's on vacation or something. You know, his stupid little.

[A]

Oh yeah.

[B]

And we all were like, this sucks. You're a ha. And then he blocked all of us.

[A]

But he puts it to like hairspray or something.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good morning, Obama. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He does pop punk.

[A]

And baby boomers are just dripping wet. Yeah.

[B]

90 Rainbow Pop Punk album.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, sometimes your enemies. I would.

[A]

I would tune in him moshing in his crowd of 75 year olds. I'm glad to hear you say this, Caleb.

[B]

What's your audience?

[A]

A lot of women who look like me.

[B]

How old are they?

[A]

Younger than me. Yeah, yeah. And yeah, they. You know how people have people lock up their audiences lock up their phone. They would never.

[B]

Your audience would never put the phone away.

[A]

Yeah. If there was a neopet emergency, what are they gonna do? You know.

[B]

They need to be logged on. Feed that little guy.

[A]

Yeah, they got a dependent. What's yours like? I mean, I think. I think I've just heard you describe yours as something. Something. Barista.

[B]

Yeah. Mentally ill non binary baristas. They're in the mix.

[A]

Yeah, right.

[B]

A lot of LPNs. A lot of LPNs license.

[A]

Is that a coding term?

[B]

No, a lot of, like, A lot of, like, nurse practitioners love me. That's great. A lot of people messaging me from the burn unit, like, had a hard day today. Thank you for putting out the podcast.

[A]

Nurse practitioners. Every time I've met with. I never have access to the doctor. They see me, they're like, you're not getting near the doc. You're getting a nurse practitioner. It's always a woman who's got like an ankle piece.

[B]

Yeah. What's she telling you?

[A]

They're open, carrying. Oh, I literally. I had one in. Their guns are always. There's a. There's always a suggestion of a gun with a nurse practitioner. They're libertarians.

[B]

Where are you going?

[A]

I've never. I don't think I've ever. I go in, I'm like, I'm here to see a doctor. They're like, okay, yeah, well, we got a nurse practitioner for you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And she's like, got two huskies. She got wearing tactical pants with like a.

[B]

I want to go to the doctor's office with you so bad right now.

[A]

I had a. So I have a cashew allergy and whenever I eat it.

[B]

I'm so sorry, Chris.

[A]

Thanks.

[B]

I didn't know that.

[A]

Whenever I eat it, they puff. These puff up. It starts here, starts in the tip. So I wake up in the night scratching like a raccoon.

[B]

Sorry, just so unclear.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What's the nut?

[A]

The tip?

[B]

No, the, the.

[A]

Oh, cashews.

[B]

So if you eat cashews, the tip of your penis begins there, Starts to itch.

[A]

Yes. And then I go, oh.

[B]

And it's made a song about this.

[A]

It's around. What? Who made a song?

[B]

Kobe Kalei made a song about this.

[A]

And it starts in your toes and.

[B]

It goes to your ass.

[A]

And then.

[B]

She's talented.

[A]

She's great.

[B]

But anyway, so your dick starts to itch.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then your fingers.

[A]

Colby Calais daughter again is a problem.

[B]

Probably next to me on the plane.

[A]

It'S probably Gracie Abrams taking 200 selfies.

[B]

Tracy Abrams has a famous parent.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Colby Khalee, Kobe Kelly Abrams.

[A]

Anyway, my fingers then puff up. And anyway, nurse practitioner walked in, and she. She looked at my. My fingers and went, whoa. From the. From how puffy they were. From the cashew.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And she was like, we gotta get those rings off. You look like a gator.

[B]

And did you get the rings off?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then. Do you have to show them your penis as well, or do you just tell them that there's stuff going on there as well?

[A]

No, they. They go, we're good. We don't even want to. We don't even want to know what that is. Yeah, we don't want to know what you got.

[B]

Hey, don't tell us about it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Huh.

[A]

They go, you can sketch it, but we're not going to look at it.

[B]

Did you sketch your privates for them?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Casey really liked that. Casey loved the idea of you sketching your privates. He. He really was in.

[A]

They gave me an easel.

[B]

Yeah, you used that. You're in there painting all day long. They give you a doctor's office with natural light.

[A]

I keep. It's just crumpled paper all over the. That's not right.

[B]

You ever been to a. What are those guys? The dick doctors?

[A]

A urologist.

[B]

You ever been to one of those guys?

[A]

No. Have you?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. I thought I had testicular cancer for a week.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It was like, week of reflection for me.

[A]

What was making you think you had it?

[B]

My balls hurt really bad.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And one had a notch on it, like a nodule. Like, I had, like, a bump, a lump on one of my testicles. Like, all the stuff you'd expect. Expect.

[A]

You had a notch in your balls. You sound like a Viking king.

[B]

I had, like, a nodule, like, a bump on it.

[A]

Terrifying.

[B]

And I was in a lot of pain.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I was working at Big Mouth at the time and had to call my boss and go, hey, I'm gonna be out for the next couple days. I think I have testicular cancer. And she was so sweet and cool about it, but I was like, if I die of testicular cancer, they're writing something about this. Of course they're gonna do something about it.

[A]

Oh, yeah, Those brutalists.

[B]

Those. Those freaks. They're gonna do something crazy with this.

[A]

I feel like you spent a day out of the office and you're already. You show up the next day, and there's a whole new character of you.

[B]

Yeah. Testicular cancer, David. Yeah. I didn't, though.

[A]

I didn't know you wrote for Big Mouth.

[B]

He had to feel all around me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

HR the spinoff. He had to feel all around my nutsack. The urologist.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And he was annoyed with me.

[A]

Yeah. Cause he thought you were a hypochondriac.

[B]

He thought it was a hypochondriac. And then he felt the nodule, and he's like, this is. This is just a pill.

[A]

This is just orange juice.

[B]

He basically. He was like. He was like, yeah. It's like. He was like, this is a normal thing. It's just a pill you need to take. I was like, why are you rolling your eyes at me? How would I know that? He was, like, mad at me. I'm like, you're a urologist.

[A]

That's the terrifying thing about these people is, like. You're like, oh, I'm sure this is a sign of my death. And then you go in there like, this is fine, but that nostril is really big.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that is a sign of this.

[B]

You're ugly. Yeah. Sign that you're ugly. Yeah. Bad news.

[A]

They're growing.

[B]

You're uggo, bitch.

[A]

Your nostrils are augmenting.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

And you're gonna get uggo.

[B]

Have you had any plastic surgery?

[A]

Tons.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No, I'm too squeamish. I would never.

[B]

You got any fillers or anything?

[A]

They say it's too late. Whenever. Whenever I go in, they go, it's way too late to do what? Any work, anything. Yeah. And then I get escorted out. They go, this is. This is beyond. If you came in 20 years ago, maybe.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Maybe we could have saved the nose. Have you.

[B]

Aren't you, like, 34?

[A]

37.

[B]

Okay, so if you went in when you were 17, you thought, I'm 34.

[A]

Yeah, I like that.

[B]

Not bad. Knocked three years off that total.

[A]

Well, that's what we should do. Because of, like, we're all three years younger than we are because of COVID I think everyone. Covid made everyone 33.

[B]

I had a. Oh, got you. Yeah, I had a good time during COVID Yeah. Hate the thing. I wish it hadn't happened. I made it work for me.

[A]

That's great. See? Yeah. You're a survivor.

[B]

I drove for Uber Eats. It was cool. Really? Oh, yeah. Doing Covid. Covid.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Guess what? People don't tip.

[A]

No.

[B]

Rich people especially.

[A]

I keep hearing this.

[B]

Rich people don't tip.

[A]

That's how they stay rich.

[B]

Poor people tip. Yeah, sometimes. Yeah, Sometimes the poor people are just as bad as the rich people do tip. That almost makes you more mad. You're like, God, when the rich people are mean to me, you think maybe they Just forgot to be nice. You're. You're poor.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Why are you being mean to me?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When I delivered food to a poor person's house, I go, you're asking me, another poor person to bring food over here to your shit hovel that you call a home?

[A]

Shit hovel.

[B]

You're not gonna tip me?

[A]

What's a hovel?

[B]

I go back to my hovel.

[A]

What's a hovel?

[B]

Like a shitty little dwelling, man? I'm going back to my shit hovel. I need tips to pay rent. I might. Shithavel.

[A]

Is shithovel one word? Hyphenated?

[B]

Two. Yeah. Hyphenated. Yep. Two, hyphenated shithovel.

[A]

That's beautiful.

[B]

Thank you. I'm a. Yeah, you're a poet. I'm a poet. I've said that a couple times on the show.

[A]

You are?

[B]

I think.

[A]

So do you write or do you just free associate?

[B]

All right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Do you write?

[A]

I just started. Truly.

[B]

Really?

[A]

I mean, I've always written, but in the last year, I've been like, okay, let me write this word for word, the jokes. I try to. And then I misremember it.

[B]

I don't think I've ever written a joke word for word.

[A]

I know, and I didn't for a long time, and now I started and I fuck it up. You ever do what I do to remember stuff is I. And to see if it's funny, I put it in text to speech, and I have a lady read it to me. Me.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. And I'm like, I love that. It's. I go, oh, that's good.

[B]

I. I love. I've never thought of that.

[A]

It's like. It's like someone doing standup for you.

[B]

I mostly improvise my jokes for the first time on stage and then see if they're anything.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And if they're not, well, then we just spent two minutes wasting everyone's time. Usually they are. Thank God. My energy right now is so crazy. Are you clocking that? No, I feel insane. Well, I. I feel. I feel so. I feel like my body's shutting down as we're talking. Are you clocking that at all? I flew here today.

[A]

That's gonna. You up?

[B]

I've been up since 2:00am LA time.

[A]

Yeah. No, this is. This is ambitious, what you're doing.

[B]

In the course of our conversation, it's been lovely, by the way. In the course of our conversation, I have noticed that now my body, I feel like I'm in a. You know how they have sensory Deprivation tanks. Of course. I feel like I'm in the opposite. I'm feeling everything a lot.

[A]

You're in the sensory everything.

[B]

I'm in the sensory upper overload. Because that makes it sound like I'm having a.

[A]

Or is this a ska band playing?

[B]

I can just feel everything.

[A]

Everyone's rubbing you down.

[B]

Yeah, everyone's rubbing me down at a ska band. You get it? Yeah. You nailed that.

[A]

You're like one of those crows that sits on the ants hill and the ants are all crawling all over it.

[B]

I'm exactly like that. But you're not. You're not clocking that my energy is nuts. You're not feeling it.

[A]

This feels like the sun.

[B]

Yeah. Not in a nice way, though.

[A]

No, No. I hate this. But other than that, you're not talking.

[B]

Anything weird with me.

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

No, I feel. I feel calmer than. Than I usually do.

[B]

Well, that's the thing is, I think usually when we get together, it's pretty. I feel like we get. We rile each other up. But I'm feeling very. I'm feeling very meditative. By your presence today, I appreciate that. I love you. Well, I always love your presence, but today it's putting me in a zone of. Yeah, I'm just kind of enjoying the show.

[A]

Well, I consider myself a hypnotist. You know, you, a little bit are. Yeah.

[B]

You know, a little bit. Are your movements.

[A]

Yes. It's hypnotized. It's cobra.

[B]

Yeah. Your movement.

[A]

It's like the great cobra.

[B]

One leg's in a different place of the stage than the rest of your body. At all times. You're moving in such a way.

[A]

Have you ever seen me jump onto the stool?

[B]

I've seen you do everything.

[A]

Chris. I'm like a goat.

[B]

I'm a huge fan. I've seen you move in ways that I've never seen other people move. I've seen you spin on things that weren't even supposed to be noticeable on the stage. I've seen you touch stuff that was not meant to be touched.

[A]

I like using the mic cord recently because it's been. It's like a. It's an added challenge. And I like. I keep feeling like I'm going to fall over that. I used to use a wireless and now that when I use the wired, it's like. I love the idea that I could go down at any moment. I think that's. And I know it's gonna happen when I've lost them and I are. And I can't get them back. And then you fall and you're fucked.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, you lose all your powers.

[B]

I haven't even gotten that chance to ask you yet. What do you think, Chris? What do you make of all this Luigi Mangioni business? What do you make of that? What are we doing with that?

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

Because he did. Is it okay that he did it? Do you like it?

[A]

The way I feel like the people that like him are the same people that, like, hide likes on Instagram.

[B]

You know I highlight my likes on Instagram.

[A]

You do, huh? Every post I feel like it's like it's not gonna save you.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

It's like, it's like doing heroin with a life jacket on. If it makes you feel good, like you're, it's like, it's a, it's like a boundary. That's not, not okay, Luigi, what I think about him, I feel bad because.

[B]

Go back to all the likes. I want to learn something from you in this.

[A]

Okay. Okay. It's like, you think it's like, like if I do, if I do this, then I'm not being. I'm not gonna let this take over me.

[B]

But it's. Well, I'll tell you, it actually has made a difference for me.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Truthfully.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Because I used to obsess over the likes. Oh, my God.

[A]

If you hide them, do you see the number? You're yourself.

[B]

You can, but you have to click in and try, and I don't.

[A]

So it's just ignorance.

[B]

It used to drive, it used to make me insane when I would post things, when I, like, I've hidden my likes now for. Since the feature came out.

[A]

Well, you also. That is, that is the only toxic element that I know about you, is that you, you're like. You're archiving. You, you, you're a content archive.

[B]

I've archive all the time. You don't like that about me?

[A]

No.

[B]

No.

[A]

I, I, I go, damn, he's messy.

[B]

You think that's messy?

[A]

In a good way?

[B]

How so? Tell me about that. I'm interested in that.

[A]

It strikes me as like, it's a very NYU thing to do. You know, know.

[B]

Undergrad or grad school, doesn't matter. Okay. Same universe.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

You don't think it makes me better than you?

[A]

I love when someone gets rid of everything. I think that's like.

[B]

I'm pretty much there.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. You know what I won't do, though?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Unfollow everybody that I. People do that a lot.

[A]

Yes. Yes.

[B]

A lot of Comedians get. They break the 200k followers and they go, I'm unfollowing everybody.

[A]

And what if everyone did that?

[B]

I think that's.

[A]

It'd be chaos.

[B]

I don't like that.

[A]

If everyone does that, then you're just.

[B]

Jerking off in front of everybody. You're just masturbating in public at that point.

[A]

Yeah. I don't like that you're a Kony 2012 guy.

[B]

I don't like that. God, I was big on Kony 2012.

[A]

I just rewatched it.

[B]

They got me.

[A]

I rewatched it and I go, I would fall for this again.

[B]

I did a street team.

[A]

I emptied. I think I drained my family savings on that.

[B]

I did a street team in a big way on posters in Chillicothe, Missouri. Yeah.

[A]

Were you in the tunnels? Remember the video that they wanted everyone to be in the tunnels holding the Coney Tunnels?

[B]

You might have been deeper than me.

[A]

It all happened so fast, too. Right. I think it was like the day went really viral. I think the next, like, two days later, he was on Oprah.

[B]

Not Cony. They couldn't find him.

[A]

I rewatched his Oprah interview, too.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Oh, it's a mess.

[B]

Why so.

[A]

Oh, it's over for him. I mean, Oprah's just. I mean, you gotta rewatch it right when you think he's been degraded. He's debased himself enough. Cause he was obviously nude on the streets and whatever.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And there's a long pause and you're like, she's not going to keep digging. And she goes, and I heard you were masturbating too. Right when you think it. Right when you think.

[B]

What does he say to that?

[A]

He goes, it wasn't me. Whatever that was, that wasn't me. He's just saying it was like he was hijacked. Yeah.

[B]

So the likes on Instagram, you think hiding them is, what, cowardice?

[A]

No, I think it's thinking. It's boundaries.

[B]

You think it's a false boundary. And then the archiving of the post, what do you think of that?

[A]

I think it's messy.

[B]

You think that's messy?

[A]

I do it too.

[B]

But why? What's messy about it? What makes you feel that it's messy? I'm open to this.

[A]

It's impulsive.

[B]

Maybe I'll stop hiding the lights.

[A]

It's naughty.

[B]

It's naughty. I like getting rid of it because they feel so boring to me. To go back and look at my. I don't like the idea of someone scrolling through.

[A]

Oh, it's shameful.

[B]

And going to 2015 and being like, this is what he thought was interesting that week. I don't like that. I mean, be with me now. Be with the guy that I am right now.

[A]

I know what you mean.

[B]

Yeah. You find it messy.

[A]

Do you feel like. I always feel like, oh, I'm never gonna be able to do something as good as the thing I just did, or like, your past. And then you do something, you're like, oh, God, that thing sucked.

[B]

Everything I do, you.

[A]

You keep feeling like, thank God I. Thank God I did this new thing. Cuz it's better than that thing.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I. You know, I won't stop telling my friends in LA that LA is over because I moved three months ago. I'm really. I'm a sick individual. I'm really. I'm really like, I can't believe I ever lived.

[A]

No, I think. I do think that you. You have vision. I do.

[B]

We'll come a long way from the likes. Come a long way from the likes. You're back on, Caleb.

[A]

I mean, we contain multitudes.

[B]

Well, we're large. We contain multitudes. Yeah.

[A]

No, but I. I think if you're saying that. I see what you're saying.

[B]

When I say LA is over, I.

[A]

Mean Silver Lake feels like Dallas now.

[B]

You know what changed me forever? I heard someone refer to working in the entertainment industry and living in Echo Park, Silver Lake as living on campus housing.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Changed my life.

[A]

I mean, Los Feliz is just a bunch of sundowning Emerson grads. You know.

[B]

It'S a beautiful neighborhood, Chris.

[A]

It is.

[B]

It's a vibrant neighborhood.

[A]

Yeah, but it's, you know, sundowning Emerson grads.

[B]

Yeah, but Luigi, yes or no, do you like what he did?

[A]

I think I. I'm. I'm looking at the heat, like, the love that he's getting, and I just know that every day, it's an exponential decay. I know that. I'm like, this guy. The love that this guy's getting is. Is cutting. Is in. In three months, it's going to feel like 2012.

[B]

You think? Yeah, I wonder.

[A]

I just worry about him for that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm like, I hope he can handle that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What do you think?

[B]

I'll be there for him.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm not leaving him.

[A]

You still feel the. The fire burning?

[B]

Yeah. I mean, I need him really bad. I think he's. Yeah, I think he's gorgeous. I think what he did was. I don't want to say if it was good or bad. I think it was you know, I think it's. I don't know. I think it would be. I think it would be inappropriate and ill advised to say that it was amazing and awesome and more people should do it. I would never say that.

[A]

Totally.

[B]

You know, but he did what he did and.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. And he looks great.

[B]

He looks great. He's beautiful. And.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I kind of like him. Yeah. I think he's got a special mind and back problems.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But. Yeah.

[A]

What do you think about how that got him in McDonald's? Do you think that.

[B]

Well, he's being framed. Yeah, he's being framed. I frankly don't even know if he did it. Yeah, they caught him in Altuna.

[A]

Altuna.

[B]

They caught him in Altuna, Pennsylvania.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

With a manifesto on him.

[A]

Right.

[B]

That's not my guy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's not my Luigi. I know.

[A]

Yeah. Like a 3D printer.

[B]

Yeah. I just don't. I think the cops. And then everyone goes, oh, the cops are saying. The cops are saying. Gang. Who asked them? All those guys do is lie. All they do is lie and wear matching outfits with their gay little friends.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's insane being a cop. Amazing. You ever see him just standing around shooting the shit? Oh, you know they're fleecing the city for overtime right now.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Oh, that's a good gig.

[A]

Oh, yeah. With the deepest bonds with each other.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They're in, like a gang together. Literally.

[A]

I haven't. I used to get pulled over all the time, too.

[B]

What's what for?

[A]

Well, I treat any street around me like it's my driveway. Like, if you're in a mile radius of my house, it's my driveway. So I don't obey by the stop signs.

[B]

That's really dangerous.

[A]

And I've explained it to the cops. And I'd be on the phone often, too.

[B]

FaceTime.

[A]

I'm truly dry. I'm, like, holding. The cop sees the phone, goes, chris, you said you were gonna get one of these. I go, I know, I know. I haven't. He's like, were you calling a 911? No, I was talking to my mom.

[B]

Mom, you're on first name basis with cops.

[A]

I don't know their names. But they know you. They know me. They know you, Chris.

[B]

And are you FaceTiming?

[A]

No, I don't. I don't love FaceTiming.

[B]

You don't? FaceTime?

[A]

No.

[B]

Really?

[A]

No.

[B]

I couldn't get you to.

[A]

You could, but you don't like young people. Get me to do it under 30. Yeah, but over 30, it's like, guys, it's like over.

[B]

Over 30. I don't want to see you.

[A]

It's. This feels like it. Yeah. It doesn't feel right.

[B]

Yeah. To FaceTime an over 30 person. I'd like to FaceTime you sometime, please. Maybe I'll. Maybe I'll do that.

[A]

Please.

[B]

Nothing's ever been the same since I mentioned my energy, and then with the likes on Instagram, thing been downhill since then.

[A]

No, no, no. We're about to hit a crescendo. Yeah. We're about to. Ollie.

[B]

About to hit a big note. Well, do you have a so true for this episode? Episode? What's so true to you right now?

[A]

Oh. What do you mean, oh? I had to prepare something.

[B]

Chris.

[A]

That's the point of this.

[B]

Chris, we can't put this out.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

What's so true to you? What's something that you. What's something you're thinking about a lot lately? What's the hill you die on these days?

[A]

Okay, I.

[B]

This is all you do.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You got a million of these things.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're always cooking.

[A]

What's one of your latest ones?

[B]

My latest ones? What's so true to me? Well, people have to learn how to walk. Walk?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

My God. My God. It's one foot in front of the other.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Step, step, step, step, step. It keeps going like that until you get to where you're going. Move. Fucking move. I can't believe it. I can't believe the way people don't know how to walk.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I want.

[A]

I want to give this to Sebastian Maniscalco. What you're talking about.

[B]

Let's see what he does with it.

[A]

You know what I like about him, Sebastian Maniscalco? He thinks he's doing observational comedy. And I just think he's. Yeah. He's an insane man.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And he's projecting this insanity onto anybody's. Treating it like it's observation.

[B]

I've never seen a joke of his.

[A]

You got to. It's like the lie of relatability. It's like people think they're relating to it, but it's like, no, this is just the ravings of a lunatic. And if you watch his movie, which I did, and you imagine the father as a hallucination, it's high art. The De Niro character doesn't.

[B]

We gotta get you on letterboxd. I'm with the Bobotins. Get on there.

[A]

Got to.

[B]

You got to get on there.

[A]

I got to get on there.

[B]

The two things you recommended to me during this interview, baby.

[A]

Girl.

[B]

And sorry. Three things. And we'll use interview loosely during this conversation.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You've recommended to me, baby girl.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

You've recommended to me Oprah's interview with Cony 2012.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

And you recommended to me the Sebastian Maniscalco movie about his dad, which you're asking me to reimagine.

[A]

Yes. Just watch it and imagine that the father is a hallucination.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And it's brilliant.

[B]

Okay. I'm on it. I'm going to do that.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

I'm going to do that for you.

[A]

Yep. My. Okay. Something so true to me. I. I have. I mean, I think we've probably spoken about this. I have a problem with businesses that was started in 2021.

[B]

Say more.

[A]

You know, it's like a lot of, like, things with names that kind, you know, say them. You go like, allison by me or something. Names. You go. And it's just all those egg chairs in a. You know, and there's, like, one elder millennial in there, and it says a bunch of. It's a bunch of restaurants owned by brothers now.

[B]

Like what? Like what?

[A]

Just with these disgusting egg dishes.

[B]

I'm trying so hard to place what you might be talking about.

[A]

Okay. Okay. You know when you're in any city, you know how, like, every city you go to now or every little town thinks it's on the up because they have, like, a speakeasy now?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

There's always these brothers that are kind of like, in, like, a manic episode.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, it's like, dude, I fucking rule at breakfast burritos.

[B]

Yeah, you rule at business.

[A]

Let's fucking go.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then they open it because, you know, brothers are either working each other into a lather or non speaking terms at all.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

What is going on with brothers?

[B]

What's going on with brothers?

[A]

It is the. It is one of the most anciently fraught relationships.

[B]

Brothers. I mean. Yeah. Like, mine's not great.

[A]

Every other relationship has. Has entered the new millennia.

[B]

Brothers are in the past.

[A]

They're in. They're in Sparta.

[B]

Yeah. I just started reading a book called the dawn of Everything.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. What is it about Everything.

[A]

Tell me about.

[B]

Tell me about history of the world, how we understand. Well, it's. It's starting off. I'm not very far, far in.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

But it's starting off, like, looking at, like, inequality. And when we started talking about inequality and why, we started asking questions about it. And then, like, the Rosso kind of, like, question of, are people innately Good or innately evil? And is that even a worthwhile question.

[A]

To ask or are we just depressingly neutral?

[B]

Yeah. And, and, and like, early civilizations, like, was there ever truly an egalitarian civilization?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, a lot of times people say agriculture, culture is the worst thing we ever did.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because it took us from being like, tribe based and egalitarian to being hierarchical. But yeah, it's like, it's because one.

[A]

Guy got really good at the creamery.

[B]

He did. And then he was like, I run the town now.

[A]

Yeah. Riding two cows like Zorro.

[B]

Yeah. And then, and then he, and then he was like, and by the way, my son's the mayor. And everyone was like, he has. We have to let him. Yeah. He runs the thing.

[A]

He's non verbal.

[B]

Yeah. His non verbal son is the mayor. Non verbal. Mayor would be amazing. Oh, yeah, that'd be a sick.

[A]

He could talk. He's choosing not to.

[B]

Yeah. He's taking a vow of silence as the mayor. Beautiful.

[A]

Agriculture.

[B]

Yeah. You ever done agriculture?

[A]

No. No, no.

[B]

They wouldn't let you.

[A]

I, I do get along with horses incredibly well.

[B]

I have no trouble believing that.

[A]

A horse. Just freaking out. I, I, I tell everyone, back up.

[B]

What's that movie about that guy that does that?

[A]

The horse whisperer?

[B]

No.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

But I'm sure that.

[A]

Oh, oh, my God.

[B]

He goes, he's like, he's like. You know what I'm talking about? He's like, wears a vest with no shirt underneath. He has a big knife.

[A]

Oh, I'm thinking you're talking about Crocodile Dundee.

[B]

Crocodile Dundee.

[A]

There was, there was a movie.

[B]

Oh, Crocodile Dundee.

[A]

Crocodile Dundee was the first movie where I go, okay, okay, now, okay. I was like, did this come from my head?

[B]

What do you mean? You related to him a lot?

[A]

Yes, I think it was the first piece of media I related to.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because that's what I'm saying aspirationally. Yeah. You're so good with horses. You're like, look at him. He starts to listen. Yeah, that's really nice.

[A]

I do that. Remember the thing we did earlier? I do that with horses.

[B]

Yeah. You put your head on them and push really hard.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

A lot of pressure.

[A]

I was giving you about three torques.

[B]

You were giving a lot.

[A]

I have an app.

[B]

You're giving a lot of pressure.

[A]

It beeps when I give too many torques.

[B]

Yeah. Jer. Jer's behind the couch.

[A]

All right, all right, all right, Chris. Mostly in audio format. All right, Chris.

[B]

All right, Chris. Less movements.

[A]

Do you ever do agriculture?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I judge soils in high school.

[A]

You what?

[B]

I judge soils. I judge soils in high school, I was judging soils. I'm like, I judge soils. Let me know if you have any questions.

[A]

When you say judge soils, you mean.

[B]

So they're going to bring several soils to the competition, and they're going to ask us, the competitors go through the soils. Take a look at them.

[A]

This is a degradation thing.

[B]

Well, you crumble them in your hand. I'll tell you. Okay. I was on the soils team.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. We would go to. We would go to fields. There'll be just. You name it. 5, 6, 7 kinds of different soils we go through. We'd rub them, we'd sniff them, we'd look at them.

[A]

I'm in a dream state right now.

[B]

We judge them and we'd say, oh, that one's good for corn. That one's this kind of soil. This probably from this region.

[A]

Throw some turnips in here.

[B]

We do that. Yeah. And I got kicked off the soils team because at one of our meets, I got tied and I went to sleep on one of the soils. I'm dead serious in my coach. My coach told me aside. He was like, you don't take this seriously.

[A]

This sounds like an episode of brer bear.

[B]

I got kicked off the soils team for sleeping on the soils.

[A]

What time of day was this?

[B]

Oh, boy. It Must have been 7 or 8A. How hard were out there so early? I was 15. I was gonna sleep on the soil.

[A]

See, okay, the picturing of this. I was imagining tiny little planting things of soil. So you're in massive plots.

[B]

We're in big. They're putting big things of soil out. Yeah.

[A]

And when you say they.

[B]

Yeah, the government, okay. Now, ffa farmers, different guys in the community, they're coming together. They're coming together to make it happen. Well, they suckered me in.

[A]

As Kayla's been telling the story, his focus has gone from my eyes to slowly just this. He's making eye contact with my temples.

[B]

At this point, I feel so increasingly ill while we're in not ill. I feel insane. I feel so insane. And I don't know if I like, if every comment on this episode was Chris was amazing. What was going on with Caleb? No, I want everyone to know you'll be justified. And it's because I had a flight today day that is making me feel nuts.

[A]

Yeah, but it. I'm not feeling it.

[B]

That's fantastic. I did. I got kicked off the soils team for not for a lack of commitment. And they suckered Me in to do commitment. Yeah, Lack of commitment.

[A]

Cuz you're a jack of all trades.

[B]

Story of my life.

[A]

I had the same problem with an acapella group in college.

[B]

You have commitment issues? No, no. You're good with it.

[A]

I only. I don't like very many things. But the things that I like. Oh, go.

[B]

You're going for it. I like that. I like that about you.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not non committal but. But it also means I don't do very many things.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have commitment issues.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, that's fine.

[B]

I get excited about a thing and then I lose interest.

[A]

Yeah. But that makes life kind of every.

[B]

Just like the soils.

[A]

I was going to say it's fun. But you did say this morning you have to give yourself a pep talk where you call yourself a wretched boy.

[B]

No, not a wretched boy.

[A]

Why don't you go fall asleep on the soil, Caleb?

[B]

It's more like. It's more like. God, you're being so lazy. Get up. You know, I have to like be forceful with myself sometimes to get. Especially to get myself on a zoom. Oh boy. I want to cancel every zoom.

[A]

I mean no meeting has ever been worth it.

[B]

I can't stand a zoom.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

The true false segment. Chris, we couldn't be more excited to have you be a part of this one. Chance wrote some. I didn't buy that. Chance wrote some good stuff in here.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

And don't try to look at the.

[A]

I like you with the clipboard.

[B]

Don't like it. I knew you would.

[A]

You look like an indoor soccer coach.

[B]

Yeah. Why indoor? Why not outdoor?

[A]

You know, I don't know. I don't know why I say that. It's just an. I'm impulsive. I just. I think it could be the plexiglass. It could be the blue tint. It's just.

[B]

Could be anything. Yeah, I think Chance got me a blue one cuz I said the other one looked gay.

[A]

Did you?

[B]

And I didn't. I didn't. It was purple.

[A]

Yeah. Blue for boys.

[B]

Blue for boys.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I didn't mention him to it privately. I said it once as a joke on an episode and then this just showed up.

[A]

Wow, that's a. I can't wait for the expose.

[B]

That's a scary chance, right?

[A]

The night the nightmare behind so true.

[B]

Yeah. The hit podcast's going to run it and everything I lost.

[A]

It's a picture, you know. Have you seen the picture of you that they're going to use for when the shit. You know, when they. Everyone's got a picture of them.

[B]

Just like, oh, no, I don't know. I don't know if I have mine yet.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That'S pretty good. Use that still.

[A]

I'll. I'll do one for myself.

[B]

Yeah, that's good. That's really scary. We're going to wash that out and put some red behind it.

[A]

Can you put oven mitts on me?

[B]

Yeah. What for?

[A]

Is it like I'm kind of like. Like it's me. It's like me in a. Poking out of an old Italian house wind. Yeah, I would admit, like I'm strega.

[B]

Nona, is this a. Is this a cooking based crime that you did?

[A]

Well, no. There's the police showing up to my shit hovel.

[B]

There we go. Thank you. Oh, I thought that was gonna be a really hard one. And you went gentle with it. Okay, you ready?

[A]

I thought that was a really hard one.

[B]

True or false segment.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Don't try to distract me.

[A]

I won't.

[B]

15.

[A]

You were in Birkenstocks.

[B]

15 statements. Don't. Don't, Chris. 15.

[A]

What? He was soil judging.

[B]

Stop it. You're getting off task and this is big.

[A]

I just have a problem with authority. I don't like. See, look how I become when the clipboard comes out.

[B]

Can't work hard on these.

[A]

I start doing free associative things.

[B]

You were fine when it was a girl's clipboard. Now all of a sudden I have a man's clipboard. Fifteen statements. You have to tell me if you think they're true or false.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Pigs can sweat.

[A]

False.

[B]

That is false. Conan O'Brien wears a size 12 and a half shoe.

[A]

True.

[B]

That is true. Lowell, Massachusetts is home to the Massachusetts Firefighting Academy.

[A]

True.

[B]

Too late. Too late. Count it.

[A]

You know what they did in middle school? They took us there and we had to like, arm.

[B]

Take you where?

[A]

To the far it was. It's by Lake Boone.

[B]

Stowe.

[A]

It's in Stowe.

[B]

It's in Stowe.

[A]

Oh, so they didn't take us there? That's where I'm from.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, Chance.

[B]

Oh, Chance. Got you on that one. You're playing the fool right now. You're looking sillier than ever in this moment. Count that as a miss. Slugs have four noses.

[A]

Stop. They have zero. They're like Voldemort.

[B]

They have four. It's true.

[A]

Where?

[B]

All over. Apparently no piece of paper can be folded more than seven times.

[A]

You keep saying these things to me that like it's how I felt when you were talking about the soil judging where I'm like. It's like taking me to this, this. This elevated place that I don't know how to. Of course you can fold a paper as much as you want.

[B]

You have to give a true or false answer.

[A]

False.

[B]

True. The city of Los Angeles has about three times more automobiles than people.

[A]

True.

[B]

It's true.

[A]

Wait, so everyone has three.

[B]

Kind of cracked me out of. Well, it's because. Probably because of Glendale.

[A]

How many autoboosts.

[B]

Kevin Garnett is? Six. Two.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Well, pick.

[A]

No, I'm not gonna debase myself.

[B]

You have to. You have to. No, Chris, you have to.

[A]

You're not gonna get it out of me.

[B]

We have to. It's important.

[A]

He's bigger than that. He's six four. Do you have the same problem with nurses where they're little and so to measure you they have to jump up and so I could be anywhere from five eleven to six seven. I have these one foot four Robbie Pras in aprons jumping.

[B]

False. Kevin Garnett. Six eleven.

[A]

He's six eleven.

[B]

He's six eleven.

[A]

Jesus Christ.

[B]

May as well just be seven feet at that point.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

There are three Home Alone movies.

[A]

You gotta hand it to him for the integrity of going by 6:11.

[B]

I don't think he has a choice. No, I think they measure.

[A]

Oh, you think it's that?

[B]

I think they measure him. Yeah. There are three Home Alone movies.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

False.

[A]

Two.

[B]

There's six.

[A]

Oh, right. Pete Holmes did one. What? Did I dream? Did I. Was that one of my dream?

[B]

I don't know. Chance would know. The first bike was called a hobby horse. True. The scientific name for a sneeze is a swall rim.

[A]

A swall rim? No.

[B]

False. It's called a sternutation. Bears cannot swim.

[A]

That's false. I feel like I've seen a bear in a pool. You know those videos of those guys keeping bears?

[B]

What?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. There's like a guy that has a family bear, but now that I'm thinking about it, it is an above ground grounder. So it's. It can't be that deep. Bears can swim.

[B]

Final answer.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

False. Bears cannot swim.

[A]

Humiliating. So all Leo had to do was go into a little bit of a pond to get away from that guy.

[B]

Bears can. See you're throwing off the cadence of the answers because you're refusing to answer them. Ah, so you're going anecdotal instead. Bears can.

[A]

You're hitting the silent alarm. The Headgum Silent alarm.

[B]

Jake and Amir are sharpening the katas. Jake and Amir get too much play on this show. I need to mention them less. We're bringing them up a lot lot.

[A]

Yeah, we should come up with a different CEO.

[B]

We allowed them to make a statement on the last episode. I feel like I'm making them too powerful in the so True universe.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They're going to overtake me.

[A]

You should. You should say you're run by this. This like, old woman in Santa Cruz. That she's the actual Headgum Overlord.

[B]

There's Anya.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Bears can swim. Natalie Portman graduated from Yale.

[A]

No. Harvard.

[B]

Harvard. The Caspian Sea is actually a lake.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

True. The first food eaten in space by a US astronaut was string cheese.

[A]

Disgust dusting. Yes.

[B]

False applesauce.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Weirder.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Bamboo can grow 3ft in one day.

[A]

No, that's false.

[B]

That's true. And you have to be careful putting bamboo in your yard. It'll your property up.

[A]

Oh, totally.

[B]

It'll take over your whole thing.

[A]

I mean, it's what Jack and the Beanstalk is based on.

[B]

Yeah. No, bamboo is really dangerous. Don't put it in your yard thinking it's cute.

[A]

No, no. It's FIFO foam.

[B]

It'll ruin your pipes. It'll destroy your yard.

[A]

Yeah. Pandas. They still eating it?

[B]

Pandas are doing. Doing that?

[A]

They're eating it. I don't know.

[B]

Yeah, they're eating it.

[A]

We went from like 200 pandas to like 17, 000 pandas or something.

[B]

What?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What do you mean? There were 200 left and then we got them all the way.

[A]

I almost just threw up.

[B]

Is there a gas leak? Is there a gas leak in the building? I genuinely. Because I'm feeling. I'm feeling sleepier and more insane by the minute. You are saying things that don't make sense to me. The panda fact made no sense to me. You're going to throw up. I'm scared, Caleb.

[A]

I haven't said anything about pandas.

[B]

Don't gaslight me when I'm vulnerable.

[A]

Are we going to start the episode?

[B]

Caleb, we just got here.

[A]

Yeah. It's so good to see you.

[B]

Who's that freak that does all those scary shows? Lynch.

[A]

Lynch.

[B]

Lynch. David Lynch.

[A]

Who's that freak?

[B]

That freak show Lynch. Him and John Waters making just bizarre stuff.

[A]

Oh. You ever see Pink Flamingos?

[B]

What?

[A]

John Waters. It's shot on like Android Plus.

[B]

It's so good, you know, something really dark.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I looked into. I started looking into flip phones.

[A]

I hear that.

[B]

You ever Seen the light Phone?

[A]

No.

[B]

Looks kind of cool.

[A]

What is it?

[B]

It's like a type of dumb phone that has, it has. It has texting, calling and maps. That's it.

[A]

That's great.

[B]

It'll direct you. You can call, you can text. That's it. No social.

[A]

No calculator.

[B]

No calculator.

[A]

That's my most used app.

[B]

Maybe they have a calculator.

[A]

You know? You know, if I ever want to look, if I want to get out of a conversation, I go, excuse me for a second. On my phone, I'm just on the calculator app. 3 times 2. Are you really divided by one? Yeah.

[B]

Being honest right now.

[A]

I'm totally being honest. I'm the calculator app. I'm always on it.

[B]

Wouldn't it be easier to just actually text somebody?

[A]

Nope. On the fly. My brain isn't like. Then I text them, then they're going to call me.

[B]

You're going straight to calculator.

[A]

If they know I'm on my phone, they call me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's beautiful, Chris.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

This has been a beautiful episode. I'm not convinced that there's not a gas leak in the room.

[A]

Well, do you usually do them this late in the day?

[B]

No, I don't usually do them after a transcontinental flight either.

[A]

And also the holiday, we're still cross eyed from the holiday season. I'm just getting in the Christmas spirit. Right.

[B]

Right now we're recording this on like January 3rd.

[A]

January 3rd, yeah. Thank you.

[B]

Is it later than January? No, it's January 3rd. Exactly.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

I just love you.

[A]

I love you.

[B]

Thanks for being here. Thanks for having me tell people where to find you.

[A]

You can find me at Caleb Heron on Instagram. How do you say your last name?

[B]

You mess up my handle and my name.

[A]

Heron.

[B]

Heron. And my handle is Caleb says things.

[A]

Sorry. Yeah, sorry. Yeah, Caleb says things. And on TikTok it's Caleb says things.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

This was awesome, Chris.

[A]

Yeah. What did we get on the. On the rating?

[B]

Yeah, you got nine on the True or false.

[A]

Oh, no, I'm on the episode. What's the.

[B]

Oh, they're tanking. Yeah, it's live tanking. Fans are unsubscribing every moment. That was a headgum podcast.