Claud is a Gift

Summary

Podcast Summary: So True with Caleb Hearon – Episode: "Claud is a Gift"

Release Date: August 14, 2025
Host: Caleb Hearon
Episode Title: Claud is a Gift

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Overview

In the episode titled "Claud is a Gift," Caleb Hearon engages in a heartfelt and humorous conversation with his guest, Claud. The discussion navigates through personal anecdotes, the dynamics of friendship, the significance of gifts, and the challenges that come with evolving relationships. Through candid exchanges and relatable stories, Caleb and Claud explore what it means to give and receive hope within their friendship.

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1. Introduction to Friendship Dynamics ([01:26] - [02:16])

Caleb and Claud kick off the episode by discussing their unique friendship dynamic. Claud, affectionately referred to as "Claude," is portrayed as the smaller, adorable counterpart to Caleb's larger-than-life personality.

Notable Quotes:

• Caleb: "You're so cute. I low key love you so much." [01:57]
• Caleb: "Together we form a hilarious odd couple." [02:17]

Discussion Points:

• The contrasting physical appearances of Caleb and Claud make them a comedic yet endearing pair.
• Their public interactions, such as riding city bikes together, often surprise onlookers, emphasizing their complementary differences.

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2. Adventures in Chicago and Personal Highlights ([02:38] - [04:57])

Caleb shares his recent trip to Chicago, attending Lollapalooza with his family, while Claud recounts a memorable performance experience with his mother.

Notable Quotes:

• Caleb: "Truly, when you have chicken after you've been hungry for a while, it does feel like you've been infused with energy from God." [03:15]
• Claud: "And I kind of have a really good story." [06:35]

Discussion Points:

• Caleb describes the invigorating feeling post-meal, likening it to a divine energy boost, which adds a humorous touch to everyday experiences.
• Claud narrates how he and his mother danced on stage at Lollapalooza, highlighting the spontaneity and joy of shared family moments.

---

3. Coming Out Stories and Personal Growth ([06:38] - [16:04])

A significant portion of the conversation delves into Claud's experience of coming out as gay, the supportive response from his father, and reflections on personal growth and relationships.

Notable Quotes:

• Claud: "We actually have a really good story." [06:39]
• Caleb: "It's the gift of hope from our friendship." [25:07]
• Claud: "When you go to a frat party, like, who are you interested? First off, no one is. It's a frat party." [09:24]

Discussion Points:

• Coming Out Experience: Claud shares how he first came out to his father at a family dinner, receiving a supportive and understanding response that eased the otherwise daunting process.

  "He was like, does this mean when you go to Syracuse and then you go to a frat party at Syracuse, does that mean you're not interested in the guys there? And I was like, yes, that's exactly what that means." [08:52]

• Friendship and Support: The hosts emphasize the importance of friendships in providing hope and support during personal milestones.

  "The gift of hope from our friendship is the theme of the episode." [25:07]

• Humor in Personal Growth: Through light-hearted banter, Caleb and Claud illustrate how humor plays a vital role in navigating personal challenges and societal expectations.

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4. Best Gifts Given and Received ([12:17] - [16:04])

Caleb and Claud engage in a warm exchange about the most meaningful gifts they've given and received, blending sentimental reflections with playful interactions.

Notable Quotes:

• Claud: "The gift of hope from our friendship." [12:44]
• Caleb: "When I was on tour most recently, my friend Carly Kane... spruced up my apartment while I was gone." [15:04]

Discussion Points:

• Meaningful Gifts: Claud recalls receiving a miniature metal pig with wings from his father, symbolizing cherished memories and familial love.

  "I had a miniature metal pig with wings. I put it in my room. No, I wonder if he does, though." [12:44]

• Acts of Kindness: Caleb shares a touching story about his friend Carly Kane's surprise makeover of his apartment, highlighting how thoughtful gestures can deeply impact one's sense of home and well-being.

  "She brought in some plants... It's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me." [15:04]

• The Gift of Hope: Both hosts reflect on how their friendship itself is a profound gift, offering hope and unwavering support to each other.

  "The gift of hope from our friendship is the theme of the episode." [25:07]

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5. Navigating Friendship Challenges ([25:35] - [29:37])

The conversation shifts to the strains that can emerge in friendships, especially when one friend's life takes a significantly different or demanding path. Caleb discusses his friendship with DJ, who now holds a prominent position, leading to changes in their interactions.

Notable Quotes:

• Caleb: "Sometimes you can never go back to the way things used to be." [28:36]
• Claud: "I have somebody tell me... when your friend gets famous, you have to give them three years to be really weird." [29:02]

Discussion Points:

• Evolving Relationships: Caleb expresses concern over how his friend DJ's demanding job and newfound responsibilities are impacting their long-standing friendship.

  "He's still, my friend is in there somewhere, but he's just gotten really busy." [28:25]

• Accepting Change: Both hosts acknowledge that friendships can undergo significant shifts, and sometimes, despite best efforts, things may not return to their original state.

  "When your friend succeeds, and things change." [28:28]

• Hope for the Future: Despite current challenges, Caleb remains hopeful that their friendship will endure and possibly strengthen once DJ transitions out of his intensive role.

  "I have hope that when he's not in this job anymore... our friendship's gonna be stronger than ever." [28:58]

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6. Personal Anecdotes and Light-Hearted Moments ([29:37] - [40:26])

Caleb and Claud share various personal stories, including humorous mishaps, typing tests, and reflections on daily life activities like doing dishes. These segments add depth to their personalities and offer listeners a glimpse into their everyday experiences.

Notable Quotes:

• Claud: "I was sitting on top of the stairs... and I was like, you're right. He does lead her on." [25:35]
• Caleb: "Don't worry about how you're looking because you look great." [45:58]
• Claud: "I have to do my dishes right now. Literally." [47:02]

Discussion Points:

• Typing Test Challenge: In a playful segment, Caleb and Claud conduct a typing speed test, juxtaposing their self-perceived typing abilities with actual performance, resulting in humorous self-deprecating humor.

  Caleb: "My speed was 82 words per minute with 97%. That's pretty good." [58:54]

• Daily Life Struggles: The hosts discuss mundane tasks like washing dishes without a dishwasher, highlighting their differing approaches to household management.

  Claud: "I rinse them and then I put them in the sink... they should be properly washed." [47:12]

• Interpersonal Dynamics: Through their banter, they explore themes of patience, empathy, and understanding in relationships, often concluding with affirmations of mutual respect and love.

  Caleb: "The gift of hope you get from friendship is the theme of the episode." [25:07]

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7. Conclusion and Final Reflections ([40:26] - [46:05])

As the episode draws to a close, Caleb and Claud reflect on the importance of enjoying life despite its challenges. They emphasize the significance of personal comfort, happiness, and the enduring value of their friendship.

Notable Quotes:

• Caleb: "I enjoy my life 92% of the time." [46:25]
• Claud: "I am totally enjoying my life." [46:05]

Discussion Points:

• Happiness and Fulfillment: Both speakers express a high level of contentment with their lives, attributing their happiness to meaningful relationships and a focus on what brings them joy.

  Caleb: "I enjoy my life 92% of the time." [46:25]

• Living Authentically: The conversation underscores the importance of being true to oneself and prioritizing personal well-being over societal pressures or external expectations.

  Caleb: "It's really about whether or not you're comfortable and whether or not you enjoy Your life." [45:56]

• Final Affirmations: The episode concludes on a positive note, with mutual affirmations of their friendship and encouragement to continue embracing life's joys.

  Claud: "I am totally enjoying my life." [46:05]
  Caleb: "Keep enjoying your life." [46:07]

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Key Takeaways

• The Value of Friendship: Caleb and Claud illustrate how deep friendships provide essential support, hope, and joy, even as life circumstances evolve.

• Personal Growth and Acceptance: The episode highlights the importance of accepting changes in friendships and striving to maintain connections despite external pressures.

• Humor and Heartfelt Moments: Through their blend of humor and sincerity, the hosts create an engaging narrative that resonates with listeners, offering both laughter and meaningful reflections.

• Embracing Authenticity: A central theme is the significance of living authentically and prioritizing personal happiness, encouraging listeners to cherish their relationships and personal journeys.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Caleb: "You're so cute. I low key love you so much." [01:57]
• Claud: "I think that's the best thing anyone's ever done for me." [12:44]
• Caleb: "The gift of hope from our friendship is the theme of the episode." [25:07]
• Claud: "When you go to a frat party, like, who are you interested? First off, no one is. It's a frat party." [09:24]
• Caleb: "I enjoy my life 92% of the time." [46:25]

---

Conclusion

"Claud is a Gift" is a deeply engaging episode of "So True with Caleb Hearon" that masterfully balances humor with emotional depth. Through personal stories and reflective conversations, Caleb and Claud offer listeners an intimate look into the complexities of friendship, personal growth, and the enduring power of hope. This episode serves as a testament to the beauty of authentic connections and the joy they bring into our lives.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

I bought a pot that I'm not even sure, like, is kitchen safe. It has, like, a cute, like, round red lid with, like, a blue circle and, like, it can't sit really on the stove without balancing. It kind of topples over. Yeah, but it's so cute.

[A]

So one of the worst qualities for a pot is that it topples over.

[B]

Claude.

[A]

Claude, you're so cute. I low key love you so much.

[B]

The only way I can sit on this couch without, like, like, fully going toddler mode is if I sit a little bit forward.

[A]

Well, you're small.

[B]

I'm small.

[A]

You're small. And that's really adorable and honestly, perfect about you.

[B]

Thanks.

[A]

And it's what makes us a really funny pair to see out in public.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

You just, like, couldn't be smaller and I couldn't be bigger, and, like, together we form a hilarious odd couple.

[B]

We're perfect together.

[A]

We're per. When people see us on city bikes, they're like, look at those two people who shouldn't know each other.

[B]

Father, son.

[A]

Father son. And you're the dad, by the way.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And I'm your giant son. Oh, I just love you. How you been?

[B]

I've been good.

[A]

Will you tell me about your heart?

[B]

My heart?

[A]

My heart and your soul.

[B]

My heart and my soul is good. I just came back from Chicago.

[A]

Chicago.

[B]

It was like. It was Lollapalooza, but my whole family.

[A]

I'm back in Chicago. I feel it. Another version of me. I do love that song.

[B]

I mean, it's such a good song.

[A]

Yeah, but your family's there. You were saying.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Okay.

[A]

I'm hyper. I just had a Diet Coke and some chicken, and I'm, like, ready to.

[B]

Go, like an espresso shot.

[A]

Truly, when you have chicken after you've been hungry for a while, it does feel like you've been infused with energy from God.

[B]

Right. But turkey puts you to sleep.

[A]

Turkey not something to with. But chicken. We're so up. And chicken and Diet Coke is like. Honestly, I'm alive because of it.

[B]

I mean, that powered a lot of people for a long time.

[A]

I think that was, like, how they did the covered wagon rides.

[B]

I think that's how they must have done it.

[A]

They settled the west on Diet Coke and chicken.

[B]

You've heard it here first, folks.

[A]

But your family's in Chicago.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, my family's in Chicago. And it was Lollapalooza, and I had a lot of friends playing, and so I went to visit family and I went to Lollapalooza. And, um, I got my mom, like, an artist wristband. She was running around backstage.

[A]

Whoa. You got on stage?

[B]

I did.

[A]

You did? Shelly performed with Clara.

[B]

Yeah. My well performed is generous. We, like, danced nice. Yeah, we danced. It was like. Like, sometimes I'll sing with her, but to this particular day was like, there were flight delays and she got in really last minute, and, like, there was just, like. We just got our headphones on, like, right before getting onto the stage. Like, singing was, like, impossible. Like, it would have been so. I would have sounded terrible. Caleb.

[A]

Yeah, that's okay.

[B]

You wouldn't have wanted to hear that.

[A]

Sometimes that happens. I always sound terrible when I sing, and I do it anyway for love of the game.

[B]

You're so good at singing.

[A]

No, I'm truly around the house. You should hear me. It's insane.

[B]

Can we hear a couple bars?

[A]

Yeah. What do you want me to sing?

[B]

I don't know. There's a song called End of Beginning.

[A]

And When I'm back in Chicago, I feel it. Another version of me.

[B]

Really good. That was so good.

[A]

Actually hit.

[B]

Yeah. That was amazing.

[A]

Do you know what Annie and I were singing? I made Annie go rug shopping with me yesterday. Annie Durusso, friend of the pod.

[B]

Where'd you go?

[A]

Industry City. You went over there?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Like.

[B]

Like South. South Brooklyn.

[A]

South. South Brooklyn. It's like Restoration Hardware Outlet. West Elm Outlet. Design Within Reach Outlet. Like, all of them are within a block of each other.

[B]

I keep looking directly into the camera.

[A]

It's rug city. Look in the cameras. That's what they're there for, the audience. They're like, you're a handsome young man with a beautiful smile. Look into our cameras. We put three of them here to capture you. I made Annie go rug shopping with me, and we were singing.

[B]

And I.

[A]

Don't Want the world to see Me.

[B]

That is the best song, Iris. Yeah.

[A]

Cause I don't think that they'd understand.

[B]

Sorry. Name a better song.

[A]

Name a better song, Iris.

[B]

But no one writes it like that anymore.

[A]

There was a moment in the 90s where music got made before, and since there has been very little music being made. It's like you and three of our friends.

[B]

I feel like a lot of music is being made.

[A]

No, it's you and three of our friends, and no one else is making music anymore. More.

[B]

That's it. It's me, Kevin, and Annie.

[A]

Y.

[B]

Your. Your three musician.

[A]

My three musician friends. I only have three.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And there will be no one that listens to this podcast that. Katie. Katie Crutchfield's going to send me a furious text. Katie listens every week.

[B]

You and four of your friends.

[A]

Yeah. So I have four musician friends. Yeah. That's it, though. Something about laying back on the couch is making me feel very silly. You could. You could ask me almost anything, and you'd probably get away with it.

[B]

I feel really comfortable right now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

This is. This is power.

[A]

How did you come out.

[B]

As gay?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We actually have a really good story. Oh, my. I'm so. Yeah, just hang on.

[A]

You bouncing around on this couch.

[B]

I'm just trying to get comfortable. So I was visiting. I was. Well, I mean, I feel like it. You know, it always happens many different ways.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Wait, should I actually tell you. Is that. I wasn't sure if that was a rhetorical question.

[A]

No, I'm having fun.

[B]

Okay. Well, I went to visit Syracuse with my dad, where I ended up going, and I was like, you know, visit weekend for accepted students, whatever. And we were. We Got dinner that night at Dinosaur Barbecue.

[A]

Of course, there's only two places to eat in Syracuse.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Dinosaur Barbecue and Possibilities.

[B]

No, it's true. I forgot about possibilities.

[A]

The only two restaurants, the Red sauce at Possibilities and Dinosaur Barbecue. That's it.

[B]

Really, that. Those are the two best.

[A]

I had to film a movie in Syracuse.

[B]

I know you were just there for.

[A]

Wait for very long, and so I know a lot about the town now.

[B]

I. Okay. I love it there. You had you. I went for college, you went for work.

[A]

Complicated relationship with Syracuse.

[B]

That's tricky. That's tricky. That's tricky.

[A]

Yeah. They had us staying in a hotel off the highway, and I. And at first I was like, man, crazy. They're putting us at a hotel off the highway. And then you look around Syracuse and you go, I don't know that they had much of a choice. There's not. There's not a. There's not a Four Seasons, but Did I like Syracuse? It doesn't matter. Did I. Did I enjoy a couple meals at Dinosaur Barbecue? Yes, I certainly did.

[B]

I. And that is where I came out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I had, like, one sip of my dad's beer, and I was like, I have to tell you something. And I was like. I was like, I'm. I. I. I think I was like. Had hooked up with one person one time, and I, like, told my dad. I was like, I'm seeing someone. I was not seeing anyone.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. What'd your dad say?

[B]

He was. Does this mean when you go to. Like, when you go to Syracuse and then you go to a frat party at Syracuse, does that mean you're not interested in the guys there? And I was like, yes, that's exactly what that means. It was like, how, like, it was, like, such a sweet way to phrase it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Without having to be like, I. I think I'm gay. You know, it was just like when you go to a frat party, like, who are you interested? First off, no one is. It's a frat party.

[A]

I'm not there.

[B]

I'm not there. I will. I've never been to one.

[A]

Well, you know, I was in a fraternity all four years for God. People do forget this about me. Thank God. Thank God they forget this.

[B]

I feel like you would have been, like, social chair. Were you social chair?

[A]

Close enough.

[B]

President.

[A]

I was. No, I was the treasurer. I was the pledge educator.

[B]

CEO. What's the pledge educator?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I think we were technically called new member educators by the school, but it was like when people joined the fraternity. I was in Charge of, like, making sure they pass all of their, like, membership requirements, like, tests about the fraternity and getting their community service hours and doing all the requirements to join the fraternity because, you know, you pledge for a semester, right? So their first semester. It was a lot of their first semesters of college. And it was actually really cool because a lot of them had just started college, and I kind of became, like, a de facto, like, counselor for them.

[B]

That's. I feel like you would be really good at that.

[A]

It was nice, actually. I mean, in other fraternities, it's like, this is the guy who hits you and makes you drink.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But I was like, don't forget to.

[B]

Call your parents, you know, because you were gay.

[A]

Yeah, of course. Yeah.

[B]

How did you come out?

[A]

To whom?

[B]

Like, what? What's the best story you've got?

[A]

The best story I've got. I.

[B]

Did you come out in college?

[A]

I came out publicly in college after my freshman year.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I came out in a Facebook status as bisexual. I came out to my mom the day she dropped me off at college, and then I immediately went and hooked up with a guy, a residence advisor. What's the funniest way I came out? Probably the. I was hooking up with a guy friend of mine in high school, and he really wanted to come out, but I didn't. And so then he outed me to, like, three of our close friends.

[B]

No, that's horrible.

[A]

And then I was like, I could either deny this or just run with it. I was pissed and devastated. Of course. Shout out. But he's a very good friend of mine to this day, and I don't blame him, by the way. It's like, I should have just come out to them. We were all very close. It doesn't mean he should have done it, but, like, I'm. It's fine that he did. But then I. To the. To the girls that he kind of added me to, they're like, is this true? This is what he's saying? And I was like. I was like, yeah, I guess if he's saying that, it's true. And they're like, okay, why didn't you tell us? And I was like, I don't know. And they're like, okay, well, anyway, do you want to go to Applebee's?

[B]

Right? I was like, yeah, right, right.

[A]

Then we went to Applebee's, which is fully where I worked, so.

[B]

Right. You worked at Applebee's.

[A]

Oh, yeah. I was a neighborhood expert.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah. Did you have a job in high school?

[B]

Yeah, I Worked at a toy store.

[A]

Yeah. You'd be so good at toys.

[B]

I worked at a toy store called Tales and Toys.

[A]

Knock it off.

[B]

And it. It went out of business, like, as I was working there.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Which I think makes a lot of sense.

[A]

Did you get free toys?

[B]

I didn't get free toys. It was such a cute store. Like, that's where I got my toys when I was a kid. Like, my toys came from that place. And, like, they even had the same, like, wrapping paper from when I was a kid. So when I would be, like, wrapping presents.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The paper was so nostalgic for me.

[A]

Yeah. That's so sweet.

[B]

I know. Sad when they went out of business. It's a big toy.

[A]

What's the best present you've ever got.

[B]

As a kid or in life in general?

[A]

What's the best gift anyone's ever given you? And you can't say the gift of hope from our friendship.

[B]

That's.

[A]

You can't say the way that our friendship has gifted you with hope. You have to say something different.

[B]

Okay, what's second on my list? Right behind hope from our friendship.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The gift of hope from our friendship.

[A]

I have given you the gift of hope via our friendship. What is the second best gift you've ever gotten?

[B]

Okay, okay, okay, okay. I know, I know. When I was growing up, there was this store in. I have no idea where it was. Somewhere in Chicago. And it had all these little, like, yard, metal little statues at the store. And I wanted one so bad. And my dad's like, you don't have a yard. And I was like, I really want one. And I think for my birthday that year, he got me, like, a miniature metal pig with wings. And I put it in my room. I put it in my room. No, I wonder if. I wonder if he does, though. It really is really hard to, like, hang on to. It's kind of clunky and like. Yeah, you really do need a yard for it. Yeah. It was in my room, like, next to my bunk bed. Like, this is the best thing anyone's ever on me.

[A]

That's a real.

[B]

Slept next to it. I loved it.

[A]

Did you name it Flying pig? Of course.

[B]

I think I just referred to it. Yeah, Flying pig.

[A]

Where's my head? What am I talking about? So, yeah. The gift of hope that I've given you via friendship. And then the flying pig.

[B]

And then flying pigs.

[A]

That's beautiful.

[B]

Two best gifts.

[A]

What do you think is the best gift you've ever given?

[B]

The gift of.

[A]

You can't say the Gift of hope via our friendship.

[B]

Gift of hope via our friendship. I go like this.

[A]

Yeah, I can tell that sitting is.

[B]

She's on the couch.

[A]

That's fine. It's not our couch.

[B]

She's on the couch.

[A]

Yeah, it's fine. Don't even sweat it.

[B]

Okay. Best gift I've ever given Come back to me easily. Anyone else in the room?

[A]

What's the best gift I've ever given?

[B]

I'm not good at giving gifts.

[A]

I don't give gifts, and I don't really like giving them. I'm trying to think the best gift I've ever gotten. You know what? When I was on tour, most recently, my friend Carly. Carly Kane, friend of the Shout Out Carly went over to my apartment, got rid of my couch that she knew I didn't like and brought in a new one that I had picked out, put it in there for me, and then, like, hung up some artwork and brought in some plants. I kind of spruced up my apartment while I was gone, and I came back so nice. It was the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

[B]

That is so nice.

[A]

Probably, yeah.

[B]

That's so thoughtful.

[A]

Yeah. Really nice. I really love that.

[B]

That's really sweet.

[A]

And gifts I've given probably just the gift of hope that I give to all my friends.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, it's a very generous gift.

[A]

Yeah. I infuse it into all my friendships, and I think that that's probably the biggest gift I give.

[B]

You don't like giving gifts?

[A]

I don't. I just don't like getting gifts. So I don't participate in giving gifts that often. I feel it very stressful when people. When people are really into, like, birthdays and gifts and, like, that just really stresses me out because I don't care if you do it for me. So I'm. I just want you to love me the way that I love you.

[B]

That's really sweet.

[A]

You know, which is not. Be stressed out about gifts.

[B]

I love giving gifts.

[A]

That's beautiful.

[B]

I like if. If my gift is a couple weeks before I'm supposed to give it, I'm like, I want to tell you.

[A]

That's so.

[B]

That's so sweet. Let me tell you.

[A]

That's really sweet. I love that.

[B]

I love giving gifts.

[A]

You've never given me one, which is okay. It's no big deal.

[B]

The gift of hope.

[A]

Just the gift of hope from our friendship.

[B]

Isn't that enough?

[A]

That is enough, actually. What do you think is the least hopeful you've ever been? That one's A joke. Don't answer that. Don't answer that one. Don't answer that one. No. Okay, let me ask you this, Mary Kill. Chicago, New York, Atlanta.

[B]

Chicago, New York, Atlanta.

[A]

Yeah. No, that's too easy. I didn't say LA because I wanted to be different. But it has to. I know it has to be la.

[B]

Can we be like.

[A]

No, you have to answer.

[B]

I don't want to.

[A]

Boston, Chicago, New York, Austin, Chicago, New York.

[B]

Okay. I feel like I'm gonna get like. So I feel like there's no right way to answer this because everyone's gonna be mad. No, I would.

[A]

Oh, yeah, you tour also.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Don't answer this. You actually tour. I tour too, but comedians can be mean to places. They tour and get away with it.

[B]

I've never tried to be mean to the places.

[A]

You've never tried to be mean?

[B]

I don't think in general, I've tried to be mean.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah, I think so.

[A]

To who?

[B]

Well, when you left the room earlier and you told everybody to be nice to me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I said, you. You could say whatever you want. I'm still gonna tell him you were mean.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

That was me.

[A]

That's really nasty of you.

[B]

Yeah, I know. And then I said, just kidding, like, immediately.

[A]

This couch is tough, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because it's like, I'm not quite comfortable. It's just, like, not really off the ground at all.

[B]

Do you need this pillow?

[A]

No. Thank you, though. I think maybe I'll just do like this. I look bad. God, I look bad.

[B]

No kidding.

[A]

I'm gonna stand up real quick. Don't cut any of this.

[B]

You look amazing.

[A]

Well, it's just like. The thing of it is, this feels really comfortable.

[B]

Actually stand.

[A]

No, we can't. Everyone's gonna get mad because the cameras.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

But I'm gonna try sitting like this.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Better for me.

[B]

Is this good?

[A]

Yeah. My back just waits.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. But I think that's just because I've been moving and then now I've been sitting for a long time because we did Zwa's episode right before this.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And so now my body's like, what's going on? Are you active or are you lazy? Make a choice.

[B]

Right. It's retaliating.

[A]

What's the laziest you've ever been?

[B]

Summer.

[A]

Always.

[B]

Every summer?

[A]

Yeah. Makes a lot of sense.

[B]

Summer. I'm like, it's summer.

[A]

It's lazy time.

[B]

I'm on the couch and sleeping a lot.

[A]

My laziest era was for sure, my last semester of college. I like Truly did nothing. I moved. I moved. Never. I laid in. I was so depressed. I laid in bed. I took my meals in bed like a Victorian woman who was dying.

[B]

Wait, where did you go to college again?

[A]

Missouri State. Go Bears. N I S S O U R I State. We love it.

[B]

It was beautiful.

[A]

That was beautiful.

[B]

Wait, you went there too?

[A]

That's where we met.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

That's so nice.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The people you meet in college are the ones that you know forever.

[A]

It's the one.

[B]

Is that the saying?

[A]

Yeah. Chances are kind of like a. Do you know when you receive a parasite.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

That you can't get rid of?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

That's what Chance has been to me.

[B]

It's just like that.

[A]

But you do begin to love the parasite because you don't know yourself without it and it's causing you to lose weight or whatever, you know. You, like, find things to like about the parasite. Please.

[B]

That's so nice.

[A]

Chance.

[B]

Chance.

[A]

I know. It's the weirdest thing.

[B]

I'm so sorry.

[A]

Don't be. He loves it.

[B]

This is only our second time meeting. I'm so sorry, Chance, but that's one too many times.

[A]

Do you think it's so weird, though, that I'm not. I'm not kidding. I have never in my life even experience something with the name Chance. People cannot get it. Don't be. It's Chase. Every time.

[B]

I always say Chase the rapper.

[A]

No, it's the name. I'm telling you, it's not.

[B]

I'm kidding.

[A]

It's the name.

[B]

I'm kidding.

[A]

People really do have a problem.

[B]

I come from a really long line of people who.1 get names wrong and to get phrases wrong.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like yesterday I was walking not to keep talking about my dad, but he. I was like, oh, I'm so tired. And you know Lollapalooza.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And he was like, do you have time to nap today? And I was like, no, I don't have time to nap today. He goes, well, when you get older, you'll die. And I was like, do you mean you'll sleep when you're dead?

[A]

But hear him out.

[B]

When you get older, you'll die.

[A]

But hear him out. In his. In his incorrectness. He made a brilliant point.

[B]

When you get older, you'll die.

[A]

And you will.

[B]

It was really like, shell shocking to hear that. I was like, what, dad?

[A]

You're like, I'm a little sleepy today. And he's like, we're all gonna die. You're like, okay.

[B]

But he meant to say, you'll Sleep when you're dead.

[A]

When you're dead. Yeah. That's really funny.

[B]

It's close.

[A]

Chic.

[B]

Yeah. You should have him on.

[A]

He's kind of my diva. Like, some people have pop divas. Your dad's like, my diva.

[B]

Yeah, he's. He's like. Kind of like. You're like, what, Beyonce?

[A]

Yeah. Or my. Like, Madonna or something, right?

[B]

You're Madonna.

[A]

Yeah. He's like the diva that inspires me. My North Star diva.

[B]

He's your waxah.

[A]

He's my Waxahachie dadahachi.

[B]

That's so sweet.

[A]

Yeah. Wax a dachi. There we go.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What's his name?

[B]

Todd.

[A]

Todd a Hatchie.

[B]

I told him I was Todd a Hatchie. Told him I was going on a podcast today. He told me to kick ass.

[A]

I think you are. I think you're totally kicking ass.

[B]

It's not a soccer game.

[A]

It's not a soccer game, but you're totally kicking ass in a way.

[B]

Thanks.

[A]

Don't you feel?

[B]

Yeah. This is only the second podcast I've ever been on.

[A]

What was the first?

[B]

I don't know if that's true, but the second one I remember being on.

[A]

What was the first?

[B]

Girls Rewatch podcast.

[A]

Oh, nice. What did you talk about? Well, what episode did you do? Did you do. They do specific episodes.

[B]

We were on Broad City, which. Broad City is, like, my favorite show ever. And so. Which I was really excited to do. And it was the Shania Twain episode.

[A]

Fun.

[B]

And, like, RuPaul's first appearance on the show.

[A]

Really?

[B]

It was a really good episode.

[A]

Really fun.

[B]

And Wanda. Wanda Sykes first appearance on the show.

[A]

Wow. Big episode.

[B]

It was a huge episode.

[A]

Those two are great.

[B]

And I still just managed to talk about myself the whole time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Instead of Abby and Alana.

[A]

That's okay, though. Sometimes we're just supposed to talk about ourselves on podcasts. That's kind of the point, really. They can be whatever we want them to be.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. Are you working on any music right now?

[B]

I'm trying to.

[A]

How's it going?

[B]

It's good. Like, it's good. I have a lot of clarity on planes. I'm realizing, like, I'll be writing for weeks, and then I'll take a plane ride. And I've been like, this is terrible. This is amazing. Like, it's just. It's so clear to me for some reason.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When I'm on a plane. But when I'm writing, I'm like. It's, like, very cloudy, and I just don't know what's going on? Yeah. Yeah. What about you? Are you writing music? Are you?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Can I produce your album?

[A]

Yeah. Are you kidding? If I made an album for real, you could definitely produce it.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. I don't see why not. I'll tell you something. I'm being really good today. I'm moving, I'm packing, I'm doing all the things I'm supposed to. I'm being very responsible tonight. I am going to get a type of high on marijuana that they frankly might outlaw soon. Like, I am going to get comatose high on marijuana tonight in a way that you can't even almost believe.

[B]

I'm going to FaceTime you tonight and screen record it and then post it.

[A]

And put it into this episode.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We're gonna retroactively edit it.

[B]

Right? Right. You edit it right here.

[A]

Yeah. I don't get. Do you get high?

[B]

Not really. I smoked a lot in high school and I think that.

[A]

See, I didn't. I'm opposite.

[B]

Do you know that theory of, like, you only have like 11 good smoking years in you or something really scares me? Nine, seven.

[A]

It really scares me.

[B]

Eleven. Sorry, which one? I don't know.

[A]

I think it might be seven because 11 feels like a lot.

[B]

Seven or maybe even four. I. I did those seven.

[A]

I would say I didn't start smoking weed until I was 26 or 7 years old.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Maybe 27. Yeah.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

I never did before that.

[B]

Oh, you missed, like, smoking weed in high school and like, going to 711 and getting a Slurpee.

[A]

I think that's really good that I missed that.

[B]

It was so fun.

[A]

I know, but I didn't need it. I think I. It was good that it didn't find me.

[B]

Then we would see like a cop in the 711 and be like, just getting our Slurpee, sir.

[A]

And we're allowed to, by the way. That's so funny.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That's so funny. No, now I'm just getting. I say I get high, like maybe twice a week.

[B]

That's a good. That's a good number.

[A]

It feels okay.

[B]

What do you do? Do you watch a movie sometimes?

[A]

Watch a movie, Go on a walk, Go out to a bar with a friend.

[B]

Hang out.

[A]

Hang out. I don't drink. That's over for me. I'm not drinking.

[B]

Oh, really? Okay.

[A]

Gotta be over.

[B]

Totally.

[A]

I think we might need to end drinking in general.

[B]

I. As I'm hungover right now. I would agree with that.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Today you're on board.

[B]

I was out until 3 in Chicago last night.

[A]

My podcast.

[B]

I'm really sorry. I didn't want to say it, Claude. I know, but. But I like. It's fine.

[A]

It is.

[B]

I'm doing amazing.

[A]

It really is.

[B]

You never would have known.

[A]

You're kidding.

[B]

This is how I am when I'm not hungover, too.

[A]

So I will say, you seem very normal to me.

[B]

I didn't really drink that much.

[A]

You seem like yourself.

[B]

Hungover from the night of just being awake.

[A]

That's just the gift of hope you get from friendship.

[B]

Too late. Exactly.

[A]

The gift of hope you get from friendship is the theme of the episode. I've decided it's really.

[B]

Can we title it the gift of.

[A]

Hope you get from friendship? Too long.

[B]

Too long.

[A]

Yeah. Fuck.

[B]

Fuck.

[A]

What'd you say, Chance? I don't know if the mic will pick it up, but Chance just off in the corner of the room going, it is a gift. Shut up.

[B]

Wait. One time. One time. One time. That was me. I was on mushrooms. And I was. I had a. Like a duplex apartment. It was like two bedrooms. I had three roommates. It was like two bedrooms on the top floor, then a staircase that went, like, right into the living room kitchen, and then two bedrooms on the. That floor. And I was on mushrooms, and I was sitting on the top of the stairs, and my. Two of my roommates were, like, having a conversation in the kitchen. And. And they were talking about, like, this. These people we knew from college. And, like, the guy was, like, always leading the girl on. And I knew these people from eight years ago or whenever. At least I thought I knew them. I actually am not even sure if I really do. And I was sitting on top of the stairs, and I was like, you're right. Like, he does lead her on. And I was, like, crying, and I was like, it's so true. Like, and she's so sweet. And he, like, I just don't think he even knows he's doing it. And then, like, five minutes later, hear them go, hello?

[A]

Hello?

[B]

Someone there?

[A]

No.

[B]

For five minutes.

[A]

So funny.

[B]

Oh, my God, I'm crying. I was, like, responding to their conversation.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Thinking they heard me, and I was part of it.

[A]

One time, I was helping a friend move who was on my bad side, and so I was talking negatively about them while we were helping them move, and I had moved. I had moved the mattress. A mattress. I was on the front end of carrying a mattress behind me, like, kind of like this. And my other friend was behind, and we were carrying it together right out of the house. And then we're walking down the street to the car to, like, put it in there. And I start talking shit on the friend that we're helping move, not realizing that that friend had taken over the back end of the mattress from my friend. So I was talking shit to them about them without realizing it. So I was like. I was like, yeah. I just don't know what the fuck he's thinking. Like, God, he's like. He's like, totally. Like, I don't know even what I was saying, but I was talking so much shit. And then I turn around when we go to put the mattress, and he's just like, hey. And it was so fucking awkward.

[B]

That sucks.

[A]

But also, I wasn't wrong. So I was just like. I literally just went, sorry. Went back and grabbed more stuff from the house.

[B]

What's your friendship like now?

[A]

Really strong. He's. But it's complicated because he's. He has a really important job. He's. He's the president, which is, like, so random. Yeah. Of the country. And so it's just, like, hard because he's like, obviously, I don't feel like he's switched up, but he's just gotten really busy.

[B]

Right. Right. Like, so he's. It's been the same as he's always been.

[A]

No, he's like, still, my friend is in there somewhere, but it's like, he's busy and, like. Yeah, he's just been like, we don't talk as much on the phone as we used to.

[B]

As much as you'd like. I bet that's really hard.

[A]

But I remember the good times. And, like, I have hope that when he's not in this job anymore, like, well, I kind of get back to the way things used to be. But. Yeah, sometimes you can never go back to the way things used to be.

[B]

Right. I mean, but we used to have so much fun. Yikes.

[A]

Yeah. It's hard sometimes. A really big job and they, like. I don't want to say he's changed, because that doesn't feel fair. But, like, yeah, he's just, like, going through with something right now to, like.

[B]

And that happens. And that's like, sort of the cycle of friendships, like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But, you know, when you get on the other side of this, your friendship's gonna be stronger than ever.

[A]

I had somebody tell me once that when your friend gets famous, you have to give them three years to be really weird.

[B]

I think I know who told you that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Who?

[A]

Grace, maybe.

[B]

Or did I tell you that. Because Grace told me that someone told.

[A]

Me someone in our friend group is spreading this, and. Yeah, that's what's happening with. With dj.

[B]

Okay. Oh, this Donald.

[A]

I. Yeah, I just. It's, like, from back in the neighborhood, right?

[B]

No, totally.

[A]

Yeah. I just hope that, like, he'll. I don't know. I just hope he'll, like, come out on the other side of this job. Like, the guy that I used to.

[B]

Know, he's not taking the fame well. No, it doesn't seem. It's going straight to his head.

[A]

It's going straight to his head, and he's being like. Yeah, I don't know. We just, like. We used to joke about stuff. Like, we'd be like, oh, you know, like, whatever. But, like, now it's like, he's really doing really crazy stuff. I thought we were kidding, but it turns out he was serious.

[B]

That's really. You thought everything he was saying was a joke? Yeah. Like, he'd be like, oh, my God, no.

[A]

Yeah, we used to hang out back in the day, and he'd be like, I'm gonna do mass deportations. And I'd be like, dj. But then, no, he straight up is right, which is crazy.

[B]

Oh, Caleb, I'm sorry.

[A]

I know it's hard. It is hard, but sometimes your friend succeeds and, like, things change.

[B]

I can't even remember why we started talking about this.

[A]

Well, that's because it's gone on for so unnecessarily long. Is going to be like, he cannot still be doing this. Yeah. Anyway, no, let's change the subject. You're right. This podcast is sponsored by the crisp, refreshing, Angry Orchard. Listen, guys, there's a litany of things that we shouldn't get angry about, but let's be honest. Sometimes it's hard not to be. For example, don't get angry that your beloved sports team keeps blowing leads in the fourth quarter. Don't get angry that you just stubbed your toe like the furniture has a vendetta out for you. I'm sorry. Get angry when autocorrect changes a word to something ridiculous. Instead, get an angry orchard and feel good, feel chill and refreshed, not pissed off, but just having a tasty orchard. Once you get a cold, angry orchard in your hand, all those little problems start to fade away, and you can kick back, put your feet up, and forget about your troubles for a moment or two. Angry Orchard is the number one hard cider in the country. It's naturally refreshing, delicious, and just has the right amount of sweetness that makes it the perfect drink when you're looking for something a little different. Grab an angry Orchard today. Don't get angry. Get orchard. And please drink responsibly when you're drinking your cares away with Angry Apple, Angry Orchard Remember that doctor's appointment you were supposed to make a while ago? That one you meant to book but you got sidetracked and completely forgot about it until right now. While you're listening to the so True podcast. You know that dentist appointment for your biannual cleaning Overdue annual checkup that's been three years in the making. Jesus Christ. The examples Dermatologist appointment that the rash. You know a doctor's appointment. Sorry. Here's seven types of doctor's appointments. You know a doctor's appointment? Well, you can make one on Zocdoc. Why not book it today? Zoc Talk makes it easy to find the right doctor. Right now it's all online. You'll probably be able to book an appointment before the end of this ad. Zocdoc? I don't know. With the number of examples, you might be able to book two or three. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment. With Zocdoc, you can book in network appointments for more than a hundred thousand doctors across every specialty from mental health to dental health, primary care to urgent care, and more. You can filter doctors to take your insurance, are located nearby, are a good fit for any medical need you may have, and are highly rated by verified patients. When you find once you find the right doctor, you can see their actual appointment openings. Choose a time slot that works for you and click to instantly book a visit. Appointments made through Zoc Talk also happen fast, typically within 24 to 72 hours of booking. More often than not, you can even get same day appointments. Stop putting off those doctor's appointments. Go to zocdoc.com so true. To find an insulin book a top rated doctor today. That's Zoc. Zocdoc.com Mr. Gecko, you're a huge inspiration to us all.

[B]

But who was your muse?

[A]

My dear old nan. She would tell me, always remember to be true to yourself and to use that fast and friendly claim support on the Geico app.

[B]

I follow her advice to this day.

[A]

Get more than just savings. Get more. With Geico, I would.

[B]

I always forget. I'm very forgetful.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And there's always something I forget to say and then I really don't forgive myself.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because I really want to tell you things.

[A]

Maybe instead of trying to be better at remembering, you could get better at forgiving yourself.

[B]

One time, Caleb, I asked you my chance. Don't cry. It's okay.

[A]

Chances crying now because I'm so profound.

[B]

Chance. One time, Caleb said to me, one time, you were like. I was like, caleb, like, you're so good at making decisions. Do you remember this? I was like, you're so good at making decisions. How are you so good at making decisions? And you're like, it's not that I'm good at making decisions. It's that I can handle it if I make the wrong one.

[A]

Yeah. I have a lot. I tell a lot of people this in my life.

[B]

I tell so many people that in my life, too, because you told me.

[A]

Yeah, well, that's what it is. People say this to me a lot. I have a lot of friends that are indecisive and struggle with decisiveness, and they ask me the same question of, like, how do you. How are you so good at making choices? And like, it's not that I never make the wrong choice. It's just that I know that if I make the wrong choice, there will be consequences, and I'm prepared to handle them.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And that's just what. That's. You just have to get. You don't have to get better at making choices. You have to get better at accepting consequences.

[B]

Right?

[A]

That's all.

[B]

It's just so good.

[A]

Thanks.

[B]

And then I was like. My response was like, I can't handle it when I make the wrong decision, which is why I can't make a decision.

[A]

That's really fair.

[B]

Anyway, I'm going to get into my story.

[A]

Yeah, tell your story.

[B]

Okay. So I was. It was. It was like a really, really, really hot day, and I was. The train. The trains weren't working, and I was running late to a meeting, and I had to take an Uber to the West Village.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Do you know the story? Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, I love this story.

[B]

Wait, how do you know it?

[A]

Did I tell you when we were biking?

[B]

Oh, yeah. Is it okay if I tell it now?

[A]

Of course. It's for them, not me. I'm nobody.

[B]

I'll tell you guys, I was in an Uber and I was. So I was heading into the West Village from Brooklyn, and you're. I was heading up, like, 6th Ave. And 6th Ave turns, like, 1. The far left lane goes to the Holland Tunnel, which goes to New Jersey. And it's always, like, so backed up. And I was in this Uber, and the Uber. We, like, I was. The whole ride was supposed to take, like, 25 minutes. And I had been in the car for, like, 40.

[A]

Jesus.

[B]

Because he was, like, kind of. Not just. He wasn't driving great.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so we were in the city, and I was like, oh, my God. Like, I've already missed the first, like, 20 minutes of this meeting. Like, this is horrible. And we're sitting on six av, and I'm like, okay. Finally. Like, it looks like the traffic's, like, breaking up on 6th Ave. Like, the hall and Tunnel Lane is, like, standstill traffic, but there's three other lanes going up 6 Ave. That are just, like, flying. I was like, okay. Like, all. I'm texting, like, be there soon. And I'm, like, texting, texting. I look up and I'm like, we're sitting in the hall and tunnel lane.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I was like, oh, no. Like, if we go to New Jersey, like, my whole day is over. Like, yeah, I'm in the super for another hour. So I was like, excuse me.

[A]

God, I cannot imagine you trying to do this.

[B]

I know. Because I was like, I don't. I'm not. Like, I never say anything ever.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Other than like, how's your day going? You know? And so. But I was like, excuse me. Like, I think this is the hall and tunnel lane. And we're already. We've been sitting in this lane for so long. It's already. Like, the dotted lines are gone. Like, it's a single line. Like, we're about to turn left into the Holland Tunnel.

[A]

And Tunnel was a fucking nightmare.

[B]

It's a nightmare. It would have added, like, an hour.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I think Uber charges me for that. So I was like, excuse me. Like, I think you might be in the wrong lane. And then he just starts, like, yelling at me, and he's like, you think I'm in the wrong lane? Why don't you drive the wheel? Like, whoa.

[A]

Like, I will.

[B]

I'm sorry. Like, I'm sorry.

[A]

Like, get in the passenger seat. I'll drive.

[B]

He's like, I'm in the right lane. This is the right lane to be in. Like, I was like, I'm so sorry I said anything. Like, totally. Like, keep going. He's like, I can drive the car. Like, I'm gonna drive the car. I was like, okay. Okay. And then his phone rings, and he answers immediately. And it goes on the car phone, and it's like, happy birthday. And that was after, like, 40 seconds of, like, back and forth. And then we went to New Jersey. And that was my birthday present to him.

[A]

It is so funny for him to be screaming at you. Get a happy birthday call, and then do exactly what you were worried about.

[B]

I was like, king. I was like, look what we've done now, where we ended up.

[A]

There are people missing me in the West Village right now.

[B]

I missed the entire meeting.

[A]

That is so funny. Did you get forgiven about the meeting?

[B]

Yeah, I was fine. I'm like, early. I'm always early.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so when I'm running late, it's like, fighter. Like, my whole body starts, like, freaking out.

[A]

It makes sense. That's not your nature.

[B]

No, it's not my nature.

[A]

I have a problem where anytime I'm early, my friend will inevitably be late. And so it. That's just my luck in the universe.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

So it creates these wait times for me that are like, 40 minutes, where, like, I've come. I've come 15 minutes early, and they've come 30 minutes late.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Has amounted to me sitting here for 45 fudgeing minutes.

[B]

That's tough.

[A]

And so then I'm more upset with them than I even deserve to be because I exacerbated it by being early.

[B]

Right, Right, Right.

[A]

And the whole thing is just a nightmare.

[B]

That is really hard.

[A]

And I'm not European, so I'm not okay with this.

[B]

No.

[A]

I think being on time is really nice.

[B]

I love being on time. Maybe this is my hot take.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Being on time is like. I think it's really rude to be late.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I really do. I think it's so rude to be late.

[A]

I know. I try not to care so much because things happen, but it's like, man, I really don't. I feel bad when I do it, and I really don't like it when people do it to me.

[B]

I don't like it. Like, I don't like it. I text people when I'm running four to five minutes late.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm saying. I say, like, 10 minutes before, if I know I'm running, like, five minutes late.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I say, I'm so sorry. I'm running five minutes late. Be there soon.

[A]

To me, it's seven minutes. Seven minutes is the moment where.

[B]

Because that's ten almost.

[A]

That. Yeah. Sevens. Where it's like, now I'm looking around going, where the is this person?

[B]

Right.

[A]

Five minutes. I go, of course. Seven minutes is when you. To say something. 20 minutes is when you need to be very apologetic. 20 minutes is like, you've done something crazy to me.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

You didn't Plan correctly.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Or someone died in front of you. Like, something has to have happened. That was crazy. If you're regularly 20 minutes late to stuff, I do feel that you're rude.

[B]

I think that's really rude. But some people have, like, really, like, bad time management skills. And, like, they. It's like. It's like. It's like you're born with it. Like, they just don't know how to get somewhere on time.

[A]

Yeah, I. I don't. I struggle with empathy for that.

[B]

Me too. I really do.

[A]

Because we teach.

[B]

Cheers.

[A]

Cheers. We teach it to kids sometimes. Adults tell me things that they struggle with that I'm like, for sure. But we. You do have to solve that now. Like, I'm so sorry that that doesn't come natural to you, but it is time for you to go ahead and solve that. You understand that?

[B]

You know, it's been 50 years.

[A]

Like, I'm impatient and I can't read a clock. It's like, fix it.

[B]

Yeah, Read a clock.

[A]

Fix it. I don't know what to tell you. There's a certain point where, like, you just need to work on that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's tough. That's a tough one for me.

[A]

I could practice more grace, though.

[B]

I can't.

[A]

I could stand, too.

[B]

I should.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I shouldn't.

[A]

I should, but I can't.

[B]

I know that I can.

[A]

Yeah. That's crazy.

[B]

I'm like a ball of fury sometimes.

[A]

Really?

[B]

No.

[A]

I'm actually gonna say that sounded really adorable. I just get so rageful. If you were ever sincerely mad at me, I think I would cry.

[B]

I would cry if you were mad at me. I don't get mad. I. I just get really worked up internally.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Just, you know, and then I, like, eat something and I'm fine.

[A]

Yeah. What do you think is your best quality?

[B]

That's such a good question.

[A]

And it can't be, like, a professional thing. It can't be, like, how good you are at making music, because I already know that.

[B]

Well, that is. I'm. I don't know my best quality. I can type really fast.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

Yeah. Like on a keep.

[A]

Seriously?

[B]

Yeah. I can type and I can do it without looking.

[A]

Do we have a computer in here that's not being used? Chance, can you pull up the WPM test? Will you do a WPM test for us right now? Have you not?

[B]

No, I've never done that before. I just think I can type really fast.

[A]

Do you want me to do it.

[B]

First and then you can do it.

[A]

So you can watch me do it. We are on the podcast, going to do a WPM test right now. Chance, did you pull it up?

[B]

What do you. What do you type?

[A]

You'll see.

[B]

Sentences.

[A]

Chance, bring it to me first.

[B]

I just remember this one time, my mom. I think I get it from my mom because one time I was telling her a story.

[A]

You have to keep telling the story and narrate while I do this.

[B]

Okay, wait. Okay. One time, I was telling my mom a story. I was like, my teacher is being so crazy, giving us all this homework, and she's like, huh? Huh. And I look and she's going like this, like, she's sending an email, and she's looking at me. Oh, she's sending an email, and she's looking at me while. While I'm telling her the story. And I don't think she's listening because she's sending an email, but she's able to look at me, so. That was really cool.

[A]

That is really cool.

[B]

I was like, when I grew up. Yeah, exactly.

[A]

You do home keys.

[B]

Home keys.

[A]

Like, your fingers are all on, like, the home keys in, like, the middle. And then you just. No. Or is it all just free fingers?

[B]

No, no, no, no. That's crazy.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

No, it's. It's ground. It's planted. It's. Can I see what you're doing?

[A]

It's the one.

[B]

Oh, my gosh. Am I allowed to say oh, my God on a podcast?

[A]

No.

[B]

All right, I'm taking over. My name is Caleb. You need to hear me. I'm. I'm going rogue.

[A]

This is going on.

[B]

This is so true. Are you going to edit this out?

[A]

No, this is. All.

[B]

Right.

[A]

My speed was 82 words per minute with 97%. That's pretty good.

[B]

Okay, my turn.

[A]

We're going to be taking. I'll be narrating. All you do is start typing, and then the timer begins. In today's increasingly hectic and stressful world, Claude is taking their typing test. Now, so far, they have gotten through two words. It's not looking good for their speed. What can I tell you guys about me? Why Claude Tapes takes their typing test? Well, we're hoping to get a new studio for the podcast soon. Guys, I think that'd be really neat. We're gonna see if it happens or not. I'm moving into a new apartment at the moment, which is very exciting. The address is. Just kidding. You wish. Freaks. Go on. Chance moved to New York. I did. Hello.

[B]

Welcome to New York.

[A]

Chance, how you feeling about your New York City move? I feel Great. I really love my place. I'm excited to explore the neighborhood a bit, but I've just been spending a lot of time inside setting all my up just so I can, like, you know, be free for other things. Yeah. Yeah. That's really, really good. Yeah. We're really proud of you. Thank you. I got a piece of chicken stuck in my teeth. I'll deal with it later, though. No one worry. Claude is nearly done. Just a couple seconds left here on their test.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I believe that they've already beaten me, but we'll see. It's hard. Okay. They got their score. What'd you. Your accuracy was 96.

[B]

53 words. That's bad. What was yours?

[A]

Mine was in the 80s and mine was also bad. Just so you know.

[B]

53 words per minute. I thought. I didn't know it. Like, I'm better when it's. I'm just free flowing. This one had rules.

[A]

This wasn't fair.

[B]

This was.

[A]

This wasn't a fair test. We should have tested you on your own writing, like. Yeah. Just to see what you could have done.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Coming up with it on my own.

[A]

You're still really fast.

[B]

I would have been really fast if I also.

[A]

If you had a desk and like a setup, I just feel like an actual keyboard. I know that I personally would have done better in that situation.

[B]

Right, right.

[A]

So I can only imagine what you would have done.

[B]

Amazing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

A hundred.

[A]

Probably even more. I think I've done in the hundreds before.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Like, I think I've done like 100, 1800.

[B]

Really fast.

[A]

I was moving.

[B]

I will say that was really bad what I did.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The work I did.

[A]

Yeah, Your work there was tough.

[B]

That's.

[A]

It's also funny that. Yeah. This. The intro to this was you voluntarily saying that's your best quality. You volunteered that that was your best quality overall as a person and then did one of the slowest. Oh, my God. That's so funny, dude.

[B]

Wow. I don't know myself at.

[A]

I think you do because I think you're faster. I think the circumstances were rigged against you. I feel that. Okay. Just say, oh, yeah. So you come out looking better.

[B]

It was rigged.

[A]

Just lie on the podcast.

[B]

Sorry. Keep moving this couch.

[A]

No, it's okay. You're human. The couch of a complicated relationship. I can feel it. Oh, my God. You look amazing.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Don't ever worry about how you're looking because you look great.

[B]

Thanks, Caleb. So do you.

[A]

It's really about whether or not you're comfortable and whether or not you enjoy Your life.

[B]

I am totally enjoying my life.

[A]

That's awesome to hear. I think. Run with that.

[B]

That.

[A]

Keep enjoying your life.

[B]

What percentage of the time do you think you enjoy your life?

[A]

Okay, so that's tricky, because lately I am really busy, and I find it hard to be busy because I get really stressed out about.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I get more stressed when I'm not busy.

[A]

Opposite.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

I have total belief that I will be busy again and that things will come my way. I do not have the thing where I'm like, oh, no, I need to be busy. What percent do I think I'm enjoying my life? Percentage of minutes in the day. I would say I enjoy my life 92 of the time.

[B]

That's a lot.

[A]

Yeah. I think that's awesome. I think I'm really in the pocket of enjoyment of my life.

[B]

That's really awesome.

[A]

Yeah. I try to really only. I try to only do things that I like, but sometimes you got to do the dishes.

[B]

Sometimes you have to. Oh, my God.

[A]

Or take out the trash or whatever.

[B]

I have to do the dishes right now.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Like, literally. I'm not speaking figuratively.

[A]

No.

[B]

I could feel that I'm literally have to do my dishes.

[A]

I could feel that there's a dishes problem going on with you.

[B]

There is. They're not dirty dishes. Well, they are.

[A]

I was gonna say. Well, then you do not know what we're talking about.

[B]

They are dirty, but they're not. Like, I. I rinse them, and then I don't have a dishwasher, so I rinse them and then I put them in the sink. So there's not, like, food on them. Yeah, but they should be, you know, properly washed.

[A]

Not having a dishwasher is really to.

[B]

It sucks.

[A]

You're living a really hard life.

[B]

But I only have three plates, so it's not that hard.

[A]

That's smart.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's how you have to live when you don't have a dishwasher. You have to limit yourself.

[B]

I never. I don't even. I don't have, like, a table, like, so I never host. So I only need three plates.

[A]

Yeah, just three.

[B]

And I've actually only ever used one or two of them.

[A]

Wow. One plate unused.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

For sale plate. Never used. For sale. Quad plate. Never use.

[B]

I have a red plate, a yellow plate, and a blue plate. The red one I use the most.

[A]

Why are they all different colors?

[B]

Well, I thought that that was cute.

[A]

It is cute, right? It is cute. I just didn't know if maybe there was some other reason I Wasn't thinking of. It's very cute.

[B]

Primary colors.

[A]

Yeah. That's really cool.

[B]

Because when I. When I moved into this apartment, it was my first time, like, living in my own apartment without roommates. And it was the first time I was like, I have to buy plates, you know, because usually I just been using my roommate's plates.

[A]

Yeah. And now we need Claud plates.

[B]

I need my plates. So I went to the store and I. I had so much free will. Like, I didn't have pots, I didn't have pans. I bought three plates. Red, yellow, blue. I bought a pot that I'm not even sure like, is kitchen safe. It has, like, a cute, like, round red lid with, like, a blue circle. And, like, it can't sit really on the stove without balancing. It kind of topples over.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But it's so cute.

[A]

So one of the worst qualities for a pot is that it topples over.

[B]

There really needs to be stuff in it.

[A]

Yeah. So I do have this pot. Now. The one thing about it is it.

[B]

Topples over, but the pan matches.

[A]

That's nice.

[B]

And that topples, too.

[A]

Okay, that's not good. You got the toppling set.

[B]

But it was so exciting to buy it.

[A]

Yeah, it is fun to do that stuff.

[B]

So fun.

[A]

I have some plates of my own.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What do they look like?

[A]

Oh, yeah. Well, my ones in Kansas City have a big red set.

[B]

Oh, I like that.

[A]

All red. The red plates, coffee mugs, bowls, smaller plates.

[B]

I feel like you have really great interior design style that is very kind of you. I've never seen it with my own eyes, but I feel like you really do.

[A]

I want to thank you for speaking on that, and I don't think that I do. I think I have decent.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But it's a. It's not. I just. There's some things I can't figure out spatially.

[B]

I get that.

[A]

I can figure out, like, a couch and a rug sometimes, but sometimes I end up having really basic taste based on accident. Sometimes I'll like something and be like, you're low key. Basic.

[B]

With what? Give me an example.

[A]

Like, the things I like.

[B]

Totally.

[A]

Like, I'll like a rug and be like, that actually is an ugly rug. And not in a cute, chic way, but in a way where, like, a woman from Ohio would have this in her house.

[B]

Like in an Airbnb, identically correct, even better Airbnb style.

[A]

Sometimes on accident.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Like, I really will like something because it's. I don't know. There's. There's Sometimes I just feel that my interior design taste is not what it needs to be.

[B]

I think I like really pride myself on having stuff that is kind of really random.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I recently went to a friend's house in LA and they had the same rug as me. And I kind of had like an identity crisis.

[A]

That's really scary.

[B]

I was like, that's my rug. Yeah, but you're rug. My. My rock. That's my ride.

[A]

Where'd you get it from?

[B]

I got it from. Well, an ad. I got it from an ad.

[A]

That's tough.

[B]

On safari. Website. Internet. I got it on the Internet.

[A]

I got it from an ad on safari. Website. Internet. Absolutely, brother.

[B]

Like really? It's tassel. Honestly, I bet a lot of people have it.

[A]

Probably.

[B]

It was probably like some horrible website like rugs.com or something. Rugs USA name it wasn't that. Because I know that one.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

But all those like Rugs usa Wave, Fair Target even, they all have the same rugs. Have you noticed that?

[A]

Yeah. And they advertise to people like us.

[B]

They do.

[A]

They advertise to queer people in Brooklyn because they're like, you don't want to spend 3,000. I'm telling you. I went rug shopping yesterday. Some of them were in the seven thousand dollar range.

[B]

That's insane.

[A]

And I said, you just have to be kidding.

[B]

It's really crazy.

[A]

Obviously I won't do it. I had a budget that was. I had a high budget, but I was like, I will never in my life life spend even a half of that on a rug.

[B]

Rugs are really expensive.

[A]

They are. It's crazy.

[B]

And the lower budget you go, the more people have that rug and the.

[A]

More that the rug actually sucks it, you get a cheap rug and you're like, this is ugly. Looks bad, feels bad, slips and slides.

[B]

I'm sliding all over my apartment with this rug. It follows me into the kitchen. There's a damn rug.

[A]

This gosh darn rug. Thing about rugs is you should do stand up. Bought your rug.

[B]

Thing about rugs is they slide. How was that, by the way?

[A]

I would laugh at that.

[B]

I don't. I. I'm horrible at stand up. I tried it one time, but. Don't ask. But sometimes I feel like I have this like recurring dream that, like, oh, no, I have to do standup. Like the opportunity. It's not even an opportunity. It's like I have to do it. So sometimes that anxiety comes into my real life. So I like have to practice jokes on my partner.

[A]

Of course.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they are so lucky.

[B]

I'll be like, like.

[A]

And then they. Do they like it? Do they laugh or.

[B]

No, I think it's like 70%.

[A]

That's a good hit rate.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Many comics would kill.

[B]

And I'm like, I am so funny in private.

[A]

I believe you.

[B]

And then you put a microphone in front of me and it's like, like I have three plates.

[A]

And that was your big. Yeah.

[B]

And no dishwasher.

[A]

Three plates was your big closer.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Oh, I have a question. It's called what's so true to you?

[B]

I think that if you're canceling plans, I think we're like past the part like. I think we're past the age of like. You don't have to say why. You can just say, so sorry, can't make it anymore. Have fun.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't think, think anybody should expect a novel of like, why. Oh my God. You know, just. There's chipmunk. You know, you can't.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Traffic.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know. You know, squirrels, like.

[A]

Yeah. Squirrels are always part of it too. Like the hard part.

[B]

I like, I don't know. I don't. It's not helpful to anyone.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because there's always a lie involved.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Of like, oh, just had the longest day, you know, And I don't want to. I don't want to get a paragraph about it. And I trust my friends enough to be like, I can't come and know that it's for a good reason.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Or even a bad reason. And that's okay too.

[A]

Yeah. I just also feel like if someone does it to you enough and you're annoyed by it, you can stop inviting them to things or whatever. But it's like, yeah, I'm with that. I'm like, don't send me a reason. Whatever.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Don't come.

[A]

And if I'm. If we're close enough, I'll be like, why not?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

I'll ask.

[B]

You want to talk about it?

[A]

Yeah. I'll be like, what's up?

[B]

Everything cool?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I don't think people need to. You're right.

[B]

I feel like too. Another thing I'm thinking of. I think you said it on here once is like the nicest thing you can do is go to someone's birthday party.

[A]

The nicest.

[B]

I really. I think that if you don't go to a birthday party then maybe give a little bit of an explanation.

[A]

Yeah. It's hard though, cuz everyone's always having one.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Think about how many Birthday parties you get invited to in a year. And the only one of the best things that ever happens to me is when I get invited to something I don't want to go to and I'm out of town. The way I get to text back to that. No, no, get yourself comfortable.

[B]

I'm really far away. Okay.

[A]

I'm ready, feel set.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The way I get to respond to a plan when I'm out of town for it is so gorgeous to me. I get to respond so, like, no.

[B]

I'm out of town.

[A]

I respond like an heiress who's, like, gonna be. I'm like. I'm like, oh, darling, I so would kill to see you then.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Unfortunately, my travels have taken me elsewhere. Like, I love the way I get to, like, a magnanimous like. Like, I get to respond like somebody I'm not even I.

[B]

Have you ever responded to a text and then in your head, a fiasco been like, oh, I should respond to that text? I'm gonna say, like, oh, no, I'm out of town. And then you look and you've already responded, oh, no, I'm out of town.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Has that ever happened to you?

[A]

Yes. I often go back to respond to things that I've. And vice versa as well. I often go back to be like, why didn't they ever text me back and realize I had not responded?

[B]

Right, right, right, right. I. I think I have, like, automatic brain responses to texts. Like, birthday party, I'm gonna be out of town. It's, oh, no sad face. Yeah, I'm out of town. I hope you have so much fun.

[A]

And I think that's a beautiful response to send.

[B]

But that's like, I know. That's what my fingers will just start typing.

[A]

Yeah, it's just gonna happen.

[B]

It's gonna.

[A]

Even when you're in town and you're not sad, exactly, your brain's like, oh, no, I'm out of town. I have a segment for you, Claude.

[B]

What?

[A]

I have a segment for you.

[B]

What is it?

[A]

It's true. False.

[B]

Oh, okay. Okay.

[A]

I'm gonna read you 15 statements. You're gonna tell me as quickly as you can if you think what I just said is true or false.

[B]

Okay. Okay.

[A]

Please use the words true or false.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And then if you get 10 or more correct, I'm gonna give you 50 US dollars.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

Okay. South America has more nations than Africa.

[B]

Wait, do it again.

[A]

South America has more nations than Africa.

[B]

True.

[A]

False. The average human body consists of 30 water.

[B]

True.

[A]

False. 60 west side Story is based on Romeo and Juliet.

[B]

False.

[A]

True. There are five original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

[B]

True.

[A]

False. 4. The ostrich egg is the world's largest bird egg.

[B]

False.

[A]

True. There are always even numbers of rows on corn ears.

[B]

What? What?

[A]

There are always even numbers of rows on ears of corn.

[B]

True.

[A]

True. Edward Smith was the name of the captain of Titanic.

[B]

True.

[A]

True. Syracuse University's mascot is Captain Orange.

[B]

True.

[A]

False. Otto the Orange.

[B]

I went there.

[A]

The NFL has 30 teams.

[B]

True.

[A]

Balls. 32. Alaska has the most active volcanoes of any US state.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

True. My Chemical Romance has released six studio albums.

[B]

False.

[A]

False. 4. Justin Bieber was born in London, Ontario, Canada.

[B]

True.

[A]

True. The Dewey Decimal System is primarily used in libraries.

[B]

True.

[A]

True.

[B]

The world's largest party girl.

[A]

What? Oh, nice. Me too. The world's longest coastline is in China.

[B]

False.

[A]

False. It's Canada. Highland Park, Illinois was the headquarters of the Solo Cup Company until 2009.

[B]

Wait, I'm from there. Did you know that? Oh, that's why.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Is that true? No, that can't be. True. True.

[A]

True.

[B]

True.

[A]

True. The solo cops until 2009 headquarters.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

How'd they do?

[B]

Really bad. That's terrible.

[A]

No, it was a beautiful attempt. That was full of spirit and you really committed to the time, which I thought was beautiful.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

You're quite welcome. Claude. What? What else do you want to tell people? Where can they find you?

[B]

The Internet. I have like, Instagram and stuff. It's. I have no E at the end of my name, Claude. And sometimes it's like my last name, Claude Mintz. Or Sometimes it's Claude MP3. Is that what I was supposed to say?

[A]

Yeah. You did great.

[B]

I hate doing that.

[A]

You did so great. Thank you so much for doing it. We love you.

[B]

Thanks for having me, Caleb.

[A]

We love you.

[B]

Dude, that was a Hitgum podcast. Hi, I'm Ilana Hope Levinson.

[A]

And I'm Dan o'. Sullivan.

[B]

And this is the Outfit. The new podcast From Higher Ground and Head Gum.

[A]

Now, we're two journalists who are slightest obsessed with the mob and organized crime and other nefarious stuff like that.

[B]

Every week we're gonna bring you a story about a mobster. Some you've heard of, some you definitely haven't. But all of them are gonna help explain why America is like this.

[A]

See, the mob explains all sorts of things. From milk expiration dates to why we got into Cuba, to Las Vegas gay bars.

[B]

Who knew?

[A]

Who knew the mob's involved.

[B]

All that and more. Subscribe to the Outfit wherever you get your podcasts. And watch video episodes on YouTube. New episodes every Thursday.

[A]

Hey, I'm Gareth Reynolds and I have a new podcast on Headgum called Next we have now this show is for people with short attention spans, which is everyone. I mean, you're probably trying to skip.

[B]

This ad right now, but don't because.

[A]

You now legally have to listen to the show. That's how law works.

[B]

Next we have is very simple.

[A]

Each episode has three short segments.

[B]

For instance, Lisa Gilroy and I write insane revenge Yelp reviews for callers who.

[A]

Had bad experiences with a business.

[B]

The doughboys play a game called Meal or no Meal and Steph, Tola and.

[A]

I go head to head on a thought provoking game called Guess that Sound. The show is as dumb as it sounds and we probably have more fun than we should, but it's a great time and you should listen or watch new episodes of Next we have every Thursday on YouTube or your favorite podcast app.