David Gborie Loves a Party

Summary

So True with Caleb Hearon

Episode: "David Gborie Loves a Party"
Date: September 11, 2025
Host: Caleb Hearon
Guest: David Gborie
Podcast Network: Headgum

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Overview

This episode features a high-energy, heartfelt, and genuinely funny conversation between host Caleb Hearon and comedian David Gborie. The two dig into topics ranging from growing up online as queer kids, clothing struggles as bigger men, the power and weirdness of community, partying as a cultural practice, relationships and privacy, and what it means to truly know yourself. The episode is marked by vulnerability, playful banter, and sharp comedic reflections on real life.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Secret Online Lives & Coming of Age Queer (00:02–03:34)

• Caleb opens up about creating a secret, anonymous MySpace as a gay teen:
  “I had a secret MySpace account... I am 13, I live in Missouri. I'm gay. What do I do?” (00:15)
• David jokes about parental fear:
  “That's literally their biggest fear...what if my son has a secret gay MySpace.” (00:20)
• They both discuss the lack of role models and community growing up gay (Caleb) or just feeling different (David), and how the early internet provided new spaces to explore identity.

2. Plus-Size Clothing Woes & Body Image (00:41–03:14)

• The comedians riff on shopping struggles as bigger guys, sharing love-hate with brands like Old Navy and DXL:
  • “You can't actually go [to Old Navy]. ...You have to order from the website...there's no room for us to all be in there.” – Caleb (01:12)
  • “Balling out was like two hoodies.” – David (02:03)
• They swap stories about aspirational clothing (wife pleasers/tank tops) and the pain of not fitting in, both socially and physically.

3. Teenage Popularity Envy (02:24–03:51)

• David recalls feeling jealousy towards “cool body teen boys,” referencing two stylish brothers in his school:
  “All the kids with cool bodies...they just wore wife pleasers. You remember how confident they were?” (02:28)
• Both joke about the eternal hope those popular kids “peaked” in junior high, and the unique challenge for queer kids wanting both to “be” and “be with” those boys:
  “Imagine you're going through that and then imagine you're gay...not only do you want to be that guy, but you low key also need to sleep with him. Crazy.” – Caleb (03:27)

4. LA Life: Parties & Cultural Outsider Feels (05:01–07:16)

• David shares a wild recent LA experience: a “lowrider party” in Echo Park, complete with riot cops and spotlights.
• “We pull up, riot cops on either side of the block...the ghetto bird [helicopter] is circling.” – David (05:29)
• David lovingly recounts feeling “too old” to keep up, and reflects on the magic of being “the one white guy that’s accepted” in other communities – then riffs with Caleb about group outsider status and cultural identity.

5. Casting & Racial Assumptions in Show Business (08:18–10:13)

• Caleb describes being mistaken for various non-white ethnicities in auditions:
  “People think I’m Mexican. People think I’m Filipino. People thought [I was] Pacific Islander...” (08:40)
• David jokes, “You're like the new Rob Schneider.”
• Larger discussion about typecasting, “heroic white guy” roles, and the weirdness of trying to navigate industry assumptions.

6. The Steve Harvey Show Reboot & Writing Gigs (10:38–12:25)

• They brainstorm a sitcom reboot, joking about playing TV teachers/coaches.
• David admits he’s more of “an idea man” in writers’ rooms than a technical scriptwriter.

7. Relationships, Pets, and Growing Up (13:06–15:37)

• David talks about his beloved hairless cat “Grandma,” confronting the “ugly kid” effect, and the class-status of exotic pets:
  “In Atlanta, that’s a sign of wealth.” (15:06)
• They laugh over the responsibilities of pets, special diets, and how caring for animals gives routine.

8. Life as a Voice Actor & Comedy Central (15:31–16:59)

• David describes his “secret” life voicing Comedy Central promos, working from home, and loving the steady gig:
  “It’s like a job nobody knows I have...I do it from home. I’ve done it for like five years.” (15:50)

9. The Pandemic Pause: Stepping Back from Comedy (17:00–17:58)

• David explains why he left LA for Denver and took four years off from comedy grind:
  • “...Everything stopped and I was like, oh, you’re exhausted and you kind of hate yourself.” (17:18)
  • “I think I was in a position to kind of dial it back for a while and get back to me for a little bit.” (17:52)
• Caleb and David reflect on the need to recalibrate, take space, and reconnect with personal life.

10. Wedding Planning & The Perils of Big Parties (23:15–25:36)

• David talks about wedding planning, the stress of culling the guest list, and friend-vetting with his fiancée.
• “I have a lot of friends, admittedly, who are real freak shows…you bring up one thing and now I’m an asshole.” (25:23)

11. Sex, Pets, and the Surreal (19:02–20:31)

• Caleb expresses worry about owning a pet because he dislikes “fucking in front of animals,” leading to a hilarious riff about expectations and pet behavior:
  “I’m putting on a show over here. I’m doing my best….at least be interested.” – Caleb (20:33)

12. The Sopranos and Comedy Partners (21:00–23:14)

• Discussion about rewatching “The Sopranos,” its problematic aspects, and David’s partner not enjoying either Sopranos or Caleb’s comedy – leading to a funny, honest segment about honesty in relationships and “airing it out” on stage.

13. Childhood Parties & Cultural Hybridity (32:44–34:47)

• David shares about growing up amid multicultural house parties:
  • “I was a party baby…I grew into a party teen, and I’m now a party man.” (32:58)
  • “My tiny African mom…just like the 25 Korean girls who were in her ESL class.” (33:09)
• The joys and challenges of growing up poor, with community support.

14. Changing Friend Groups and Adult Loneliness (36:35–38:27)

• Caleb & David reflect on realizing as adults that many friendships were just “party friends.” Now, they value intentionality and real connection.
  • “You realize you’ve never seen [some people] in the daytime.” – David (38:15)

15. Comedy Roots: San Francisco Days (38:32–40:13)

• David reminisces about his deep involvement in the San Francisco comedy scene, throwing shows, building community:
  • “It was the first time I felt like an active participant in my community…everybody on Clement street to know who I was.” (39:21)

16. Regional Identity, Politics & Beach Republicans (40:13–41:13)

• Comedic grievances with conservative Orange County:
  • “I don’t know how anybody could be a Republican by the beach.” – David (41:13)

17. Fishing, Masculinity, and Quiet Male Bonding (41:43–43:14)

• Reflections on the differences between traditional masculinity and being raised by women:
  • “If I’m alone with my friend, we’re talking. …I’m not like that quiet…I love my friends.” – David (43:06)
• Both are “gabbers” who’d rather chat than sit in silence on a fishing trip.

18. Privacy, Relationships, and Onstage Authenticity (65:32–67:29)

• Both comics discuss the tension between authentic self-expression and privacy for loved ones:
  • “I don't want her to have to feel like she's a character in this weird, like, show that I'm building.” – Caleb (67:00)
• Hesitation to mine personal relationships for content, despite the pressure in comedy.

19. Creativity, Material, and Growing with Your Art (67:29–68:49)

• The anxiety of losing “dating stories” as they settle down, fear of becoming one-dimensional (the “dad comic”), and the need to stay intentional about seeking fresh experiences.

20. “So True” – David’s Life Advice (70:09–70:47)

• David’s answer to “what’s so true to you?”:
  • “If you don’t spend the time getting to know yourself, life is gonna prove it to you in a hard way.” (70:20)
  • Encourages prioritizing self-understanding rather than chasing others’ definitions of success.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On being an outsider among friends:
  "Don't you want to be that for every group?...It's just cool to be the one white guy, I think, in any...group." – David (07:13)
• On encountering “cool body” teens:
  "You remember like cool body teen boys, how confident they were? ... I wanted to kill those little boys." – David (02:37)
• On the dangers of being typecast:
  "They’re like, you’re white, but let's have some fun. ... It's Mr. Plug and Play." – Caleb (09:29)
• On pandemic self-discovery:
  "I love entertainment, it’s given me a life…but I think I was in a position to kind of dial it back for a while and be able to just get back to me for a little bit." – David (17:52)
• On relationship privacy:
  "I’ve not talked about him on stage. …I really do want to keep some things, like, private, you know?" – Caleb (66:25)
• On destiny and seeking out joy:
  "Do charming little things just happen to me? Or also am I seeking out charming little things?” – Caleb (60:25)
• On real self-knowledge:
  "If you don't spend the time getting to know yourself, life is gonna prove it to you in a hard way.” – David (70:20)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Secret Myspace / Queer Kid Internet Life: 00:02–00:44, 47:13–49:02
• Fashion for Plus Size Guys: 00:41–03:14
• Teenage Body Envy/Cool Kids: 02:24–03:51
• Wild LA Parties/Lowrider Story: 05:03–07:16
• Casting/Cultural Identity in Hollywood: 08:18–10:13
• Loving Community, Being an Outsider: 07:17–08:12
• Wedding Planning and Guest List Stress: 23:15–25:36
• Privacy / On-stage Authenticity in Relationships: 65:32–67:29
• David’s “So True” Life Lesson: 70:09–70:47

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Overall Vibe & Tone

The episode embodies the honest, quick-witted, and warm-hearted spirit of both Caleb and David. The tone is deeply conversational—funny with real emotional texture, blending stories of struggle and triumph, personal growth, and the awkward joys of both adolescence and adulthood. They lay bare their vulnerabilities but keep the mood light with their comic gifts.

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Recommendations & Calls to Action

• Watch David Gborie’s comedy special: "Birth of a Nation (with a G)" – available on YouTube via 800 Pound Gorilla.
• Catch David's voice work on Comedy Central promos.
• Check out his podcasts: "My Mama Told Me," "All Fantasy Everything."
• Caleb’s fans: Stay tuned for more authentic, boundary-pushing, real-talk interviews.

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Closing Thoughts

This episode is a must-listen for anyone who wants to feel seen, laugh hard, and hear comedians get honest about the business, identity, love, and self-discovery. David’s blend of hard-won wisdom and signature humor make this conversation as memorable as it is relatable.

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“If you don’t spend the time getting to know yourself, life is gonna prove it to you in a hard way.”
— David Gborie (70:20)

Transcript

[A]

This is a Headgum podcast. I was so scared, David. I was like, literally on my Grandma's computer on MySpace in Iowa. Like, everyone's outside playing, and I would sneak in and I had a fake MySpace. I had, like a secret MySpace account.

[B]

You had a secret gay MySpace?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

And I'd be like. I'd be like, I am 13, I live in Missouri. I'm gay. What do I do?

[B]

That's literally their biggest fear. Truly. Like, when MySpace popped, everybody was like, what if my son has a secret, secret Game by Space.

[A]

David, what the hell is going on, brother?

[B]

I can't. You know.

[A]

You are looking good.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

You're looking handsome. I said when I walked in, I really like that.

[C]

You look good.

[A]

You just moved back to la.

[B]

I'm in it. I got a cropped shirt.

[A]

You're in. You're engaged. I'm engaged, which is crazy.

[B]

I got an Old Navy shirt. I'm engaged.

[A]

Shit's up.

[B]

It's. Man, we can't lose right now.

[A]

Shit's up, Dud.

[B]

Get in the market.

[A]

Big guys are winning right now.

[B]

Come on, dog. Did you know we could go to Old Navy like that?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Well, you can't actually go. You have to order from.

[B]

That would be disgusting.

[A]

No, they don't carry our size in the stores because there's no room for us to all be in there. Yeah, you have to order from the.

[B]

Website and then go. And then.

[A]

But they'll send it to you.

[B]

That's. I was getting screwed on DXL for most of my career.

[A]

I can't. DXL has provided to me. They've. They've held me down in times when I needed them. I can't go too hard on dxl.

[B]

But, brother, let's be really honest.

[A]

I know it's tough. They're long and they're golf shirts. All of them.

[B]

As many. When have you used a DXL point in your fucking life?

[A]

I don't use the points.

[B]

That's bullshit.

[A]

That's crazy.

[B]

Because it's full price polo. It's double price polo.

[A]

Maybe they're expensive.

[B]

Yeah, man, I. It was the first time I knew I was doing well in my life when I could just go to dxl.com.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

In, ball out, NWI.

[A]

I'm just gonna fire off a shirt right now.

[B]

Yeah, but balling out was like two hoodies.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

But Old Navy there got me, right.

[A]

I'm cropping old navies. You're looking good. Old Navy's doing you right Also I'll tell you Target.

[B]

Target.

[A]

Yeah, Target will Low key have some good men's stuff.

[B]

My. My, my wife pleaser is from Target. Yeah, I do that now.

[A]

Thank you. Do you on that?

[B]

I change it up.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And that's really beautiful of you.

[B]

Thank you. Well, I wasn't a big wife pleaser guy back in the day.

[C]

No.

[B]

There was a time when I was like a preteen and my body was really weird. That all the kids with cool bodies.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Were just wife pleasers. You remember like cool body teen boys, how confident they were.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You remember that?

[B]

You remember that?

[A]

You remember that? You remember I saw that. I remember that.

[B]

I wanted to kill them.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I wanted to kill those little boys.

[A]

They're running around. They got the cool bodies, bro. You got delts crazy.

[B]

I eat gummy snacks. My mom gave me gummy snacks this morning. And you have muscles on the side of your pecs.

[A]

Yeah. You've got those little like slopes on your shoulders that are new muscles already that I don't even know about.

[B]

We weren't even working those then. That was just God gave it to you.

[A]

You had that from God?

[B]

Yeah, man. Those kids had to have peaked. Right? That's the best that got.

[A]

I have to believe it.

[B]

I need to believe it.

[A]

I need to believe it. I need to believe it. Because imagine, I want you to imagine you're going through that and then imagine you're gay.

[B]

That's hard.

[A]

So not only do you want to be that guy, but you low key also need to sleep with him. Crazy.

[B]

That's. Cause like some of these guys. I remember there were these two brothers in one of my junior high schools. Dovon and Jovan, of course, but they weren't twins. But somehow they were both in junior high school.

[C]

Hell yeah.

[B]

I think it was like a held back situation.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

But they both somehow looked like dmx.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And it was just like, how are you this cool? And they were like, because if I remember right, you weren't supposed to just wear tank tops to school.

[A]

No, no. If I'm remembering correctly, and I think I am.

[B]

Yeah. And I remember one time Jovan had two tank tops on. No, different color. A black and a white.

[C]

No.

[B]

And I was like, this is fucked. Everybody's not crazy pregnant in here.

[A]

He's innovating. He's innovating in the space.

[B]

You have to come get Jovan. Get school cop. School. Don't let this happen.

[A]

Calling school cop on Jovan. I was like, what's the issue? You're like, look at him. Look at him. He's wearing two tank tops. He looks cool as hell.

[B]

Come on.

[A]

He's gonna sleep with these girls, dude. This is fucked.

[B]

I'm wearing three. But that's just to keep it in.

[A]

Yeah, this is compression.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

This is hosiery. These are control top wife pleasers I got on over here. I'm just trying to keep my tight.

[B]

Yeah, man. I'm just. Just trying to. Not to spill out.

[A]

Jovan's. Yeah, Jovan's showcasing. I'm hiding. There's a difference.

[B]

Exactly. Exactly.

[A]

That is so funny, dude.

[B]

It was a good time, though.

[A]

It was a good time. And look at you now, handsome.

[B]

Look at me now, Beyonce crop shirt.

[A]

Living in LA again.

[B]

I could do anything.

[A]

How's it feel?

[B]

It's good. I. I've had all the LA experiences, like, in one week, so I'm kind of, like, worn out a little bit.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, I went. I did a show on Saturday night, and then my friend was like, hey, do you want to come to this lowrider party?

[A]

Oh, that's sick.

[B]

It sounded really cool, right? And I was like, yeah, of course. So me and Jamel Johnson, we go.

[A]

Love Jamal. So funny.

[B]

He's the best guy. We go. And then, like, we pull up in the block is shut down, and there's riot cops on either side of the block. And I'm like, this can't be right. And I call my friend, and he's like, no. Yeah, we're just. We're in front of the tattoo parlor. Pull up. So we're walking up and the ghetto bird is, like, circling.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And it's shining on this one part of the block. And they're actively over the thing. Like, everybody, go back to your cars. You will be arrested.

[A]

What?

[B]

I was like. I called my friend. I was like, joey Glasses. This can't be correct.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

He's like, no, we're partying. It's cool. So we go up on him, and they are just partying and they're playing cool music. Music?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Cool, cool music. Like, I think they were playing, you know, Girlfriend by Pebbles.

[A]

No.

[B]

Girlfriend. How could you let him treat you so bad? They were playing that, right?

[A]

But I love it.

[B]

It's so good. It's so good.

[A]

What neighborhood is this in?

[B]

This is Echo Park.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

It was right in Echo Park. Right across from the Lassens.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

It was like, Main Street, Echo Park. And they were going up and then they were like. And we're smoking a joint and I was dancing, cuz I'm not going to not dance to be Pebbles.

[C]

Right.

[B]

But I was like. And then the cops are, like, actively like, get out of here. And I was like, this is maybe too cool for me.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Too cool to have the cops shining the helicopter light on you, saying you'll get arrested and being like, we're partying.

[B]

I'm too old. I did one song. I smoked one joint, and then I was like, I got to get. I got to go.

[A]

I got to get out of here.

[B]

Yeah. I ain't got it like that anymore. But it was. That wouldn't happen in Denver.

[A]

That's really crazy. I went to a lowrider party once on a bridge.

[B]

Yeah, See?

[A]

And it was awesome.

[B]

It's. Man, it's like a community that I appreciate as a. Like, I don't want to be a part of it necessarily. But, man, it's cool.

[A]

I want to be the. The white guy that they let hang around for a little bit, though.

[B]

But here's the thing is, don't you want to be that for every group?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Like, yes, yes. Like, it's probably the same thing for, like, a group of Filipinos who say the N word. Or, like, there's. You know what I mean? Like, it's just cool to be the one white guy, I think, in any. Or the one. Not that. In any group.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

To be the odd man out.

[B]

But everyone's cool with you except black guy in white group. Because that's. They give that too easy.

[A]

They do give that way, too.

[B]

Nobody. Like, you're like, I'll take it, but it's not like, yeah, you're at ucb. Like, what's up, Rick?

[A]

You know what I mean? I have long said the only thing scarier than a white person with no black friends is a white person with one black friend.

[B]

Yeah. Because they're empowered.

[A]

They move like they're bulletproof.

[B]

Yeah. And it's also like, now you're using this one person as, like, your thing for the whole culture.

[A]

It's like, yeah, it's crazy.

[B]

He's over here with you. He probably doesn't even like it all that much.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

No, I would like to be the one white guy who's accepted anywhere. Of course. That'd be cool for me.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

That's a good.

[A]

They were like, you're okay, white guy.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You have a face, though, that feels.

[A]

I can't wait.

[B]

Relax.

[A]

I can't. Hey, everyone, relax. Hold on.

[B]

Relax.

[C]

Let him say it.

[B]

I know it is white. It doesn't feel that. Why You're.

[A]

Let me tell you something.

[B]

You know what I'm saying?

[A]

There have been some casting controversies.

[B]

Really?

[A]

People are trying to put me in another box. People are trying to put me in another box.

[B]

That's awesome.

[A]

You're like, people think I'm all kinds of things.

[B]

You're like the new Rob Schneider.

[A]

Yeah, I've been saying that politically, etc. People are trying to put me. People are like, people think I'm Mexican. People think I'm Filipino. People thought. Was it Pacific Islander? That we got that one time. People really want to put me in another race box.

[B]

Well, how far would you be willing to stray is my question, Like.

[A]

Well, you know what's really funny? When I first started working with my managers, I think it was them that they sent me a. They sent me a thing that was like. It was for, like, a character called, like, I don't know, he had, like, a very Mexican name. And they're like, we want you to audition for this. And I got really. I was upset because I was like, oh, no. I'm working with these people that think I should be going out for white guy roles. They knew I was white, you know?

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And so I sent this.

[B]

That's why they signed you, right?

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

But they also knew you could play.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

They're like, you're white, but let's have some fun.

[B]

They. They're. The WME morning meeting. Like, honestly, we put this guy in anywhere, whatever you need, we plug him in.

[A]

Yeah, he's plug. It's Mr. Plug and Play.

[B]

That's your Mr. Worldwide.

[A]

Come on.

[B]

Yeah, Mr.

[A]

It's Mr. Plug and play. On the beat.

[B]

Oh, that's. That's exciting.

[A]

But I sent a bit. I sent an email, a stern email, being like, hey, I'm so excited to be working with you guys. I just want to let you know, like, I think that's unacceptable. I would not like on my, like, heroic white guy.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And they were like, yeah, they're changing the character because they cast the other. There's two characters. The other one's gonna be Mexican now. Oh, we know what we're doing. And I was like. I was like, okay, cool. Well, I'll get that tape in.

[B]

That's. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

By 3pm his name's Derek now. Rock on.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Love that. You do gotta tell him, though. Cause I've had that conversation where it's like, listen, if it says, like, bouncer. Jovial.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I'm saying? Fat.

[A]

Jovial.

[B]

Fat and black as he is. Happy.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

These types of character breakdowns. I ain't going, man.

[A]

I'm not doing it.

[B]

I've really only ever been like a TV teacher, like a lawyer and shit on tv.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I would love to see you in a. I'd love to see you like, series. Regular series lead. As a teacher on tv. I'd love to tune in every week to see you teaching the kids.

[B]

That would be fun. Like my own Steve Harvey show.

[A]

Dude, get in the fucking lab.

[C]

What are you talking about?

[B]

Will you be my coach? Will you be my coach? Yes. Cause that's like you have to have the teacher who came back from being successful and then his coach, best friend who's been there for a while.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Like, we used to play football in junior high school.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah, that'd be fun.

[A]

And I know the ways that things work.

[B]

Yeah, you too.

[A]

And would you get hot headed? I go not with the. The principal.

[B]

Yeah. Because me and the principal used to have a thing.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Maybe this is just the Steve Harvey show.

[A]

This is the.

[B]

Should we reboot the Steve Harvey. Should we just reboot the Steve. I think that's where we live.

[A]

No, we'll do the Steve Harvey show. Yeah.

[B]

You're Cedric of Steve.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Let's go.

[B]

Dude, that's. That's why I moved back.

[A]

Like, what do we do? This is la, baby.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Dreams come true here.

[A]

Someone open final draft right now. Come on, let's cook and walk and win.

[B]

I have a Celtics account that's long been dormant.

[A]

Let's not Celtics.

[B]

Yeah, that's how long.

[A]

Oh, come on, brother.

[B]

I got like two movies in there just sitting on ice.

[A]

We got to get them out of Celtics.

[B]

I don't know how.

[A]

No, come on, come on. Get them out of Celtics.

[B]

I don't know. I don't want to live like this.

[A]

Save them from Celtics, dude. Let's get you an fd.

[B]

I don't know what that means.

[A]

Final draft. Oh, you've been in there? You played around in there?

[B]

No, man. You know, I'm really lucky that like every writing gig I've ever had, there's really strong writers assistance. So I'm. I'm kind of an idea man.

[A]

Yeah, I see.

[B]

And then I'll clean up the dialogue.

[A]

I see this.

[B]

Everything else, your structure. That's not.

[A]

Over here. We got the writer's assistance.

[B]

I don't. Yeah. Who? Inciting incident.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Third act break.

[B]

Come on. It's not a business, brother. I want the jokes.

[A]

Yeah, you want to be funny?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Give me a call.

[B]

That's the one thing I got.

[A]

Give me a call. I can help.

[B]

Yeah. And I'm a mid range dancer.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

We need to go dancing.

[B]

We should go. We should go dancing. We should go swimming.

[A]

We should go dancing and swimming. What are we doing? If my flight wasn't out of here today, tomorrow we'd be going swimming in the morning and dancing at night. I mean that.

[B]

Next time you come here, let me know early. Yeah. And we'll hook up.

[A]

I gotta get squeezed in.

[B]

Yeah, well, you know, I got. I got the dog. She takes up a lot of time.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

It's delay. I gotta pretend like I'm busy.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I got the dog and. Etc.

[B]

So hairless cat. You gotta watch her twice a week.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Those things scare the hell out of me.

[B]

They do, but it's like. Cool. She's cool. Yeah, she's scary looking, but she's cool.

[A]

You have a hairless cat for real?

[B]

Yeah, her name's Grandma. You want to see?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

No, I think that you.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And I know this is like. It sounds like somebody with an ugly kid. I think you will like mine.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I do think that I'm gonna take.

[A]

A peek, but I'm really scared about it.

[B]

It's not as bad. It is. See, now I can't. Okay. Okay. Look at that. Come on. That's like an Anne Geddes book.

[C]

Ooh.

[B]

Damn, that sucked.

[A]

I don't.

[B]

That sucked in a way that I shouldn't have even taken my phone out.

[A]

Dude, I'm so sorry.

[B]

God damn it, Caleb. You gotta pretend a little bit.

[A]

Dude, I'm sorry, man.

[B]

It's like you gotta meet me halfway.

[A]

There's a cute face. Maybe you had started face forward.

[B]

That's.

[A]

I don't like the way their skin hangs to their body. I'm sorry.

[B]

It's a she. She's a she.

[C]

Sorry.

[B]

Give me my phone.

[A]

Sorry.

[B]

Give me my phone. With my daughter.

[A]

I'm so sorry. Dude, can you show me a face forward one maybe?

[B]

Yeah, let me find now. But now it's like I'm trying to convince you.

[A]

That made my. That did make my.

[B]

Here she is. When she got a little kern. Her little cone.

[A]

Yeah, her face is beautiful.

[B]

This is. We're not doing this anymore. This sucks.

[A]

No, but I know she's in a loving home. I bet she has a beautiful personality.

[B]

She's a beautiful soul.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

But the issue is the way that the. The skin, when it has no fur on it, the way it clings to the body.

[B]

It is Weird. I grew into it because I wasn't into it at first, really. I just didn't. I was. I was like. We had just moved into a new spot, and my girlfriend was like, what if I get a hairless cat? And I was on the road, and I was on the road like, every week for the next eight, nine weeks. And I was like, bitch, whatever you.

[A]

Got to do, whatever you need, whatever.

[B]

You'Re going through right now, I support it. And I guess I'll deal with the hairless cat. And then it grew on me.

[A]

That's crazy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, is why hairless? Why couldn't we go normal style?

[B]

She's just weird, man. I guess she had already always dreamed of a hairless cat.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I was talking to another guy recently, and he was like, hey, in Atlanta, that's a sign of wealth. And it was like, the best compliment I've gotten.

[A]

That's beautiful.

[B]

Or no, he said, I'm from Atlanta. That's a sign of wealth.

[A]

Even better. Yeah. Cause that is different.

[B]

Yeah. It might not be.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

These could be non sequiturs.

[B]

Cause, you know, people from Atlanta always let you know. Like, he was just, like, saying that.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And then also congratulating me.

[A]

I'm from Atlanta. That's a sign of wealth.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, it's a different thought almost.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, it was good.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

So I've been having a good time.

[A]

What all are you voicing right now? Because I feel like I hear your voice on the radio and tv.

[B]

Just Comedy Central. My. Both my cartoons got canceled, so just the Comedy Central stuff.

[A]

But, like, are you doing, like, they're, like, commercial.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

I do all tune into Comedy Central.

[B]

I do all the promo for the TV Paramount.

[A]

It's a real joy to me when your voice comes into my ears.

[B]

I. I'm glad. It's awesome for me. It's like a job nobody knows I have. I do it from home. I've done it for, like, five years. Hopefully five more.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I just. Every time I go, that's David. I love that.

[B]

Isn't that fun?

[A]

It makes me so happy.

[B]

Yeah. I watch. I listen to your POD podcast. So I see you.

[A]

Whoa.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What's your favorite episode recently?

[B]

Laura Peak is my favorite episode of all time.

[A]

Isn't she incredible?

[B]

I like when you had your mom back. I really like. Who else do I like a lot? No, Peak is. Peak is the best one.

[A]

She's so funny, dude.

[B]

It's fucked up.

[A]

It's crazy.

[B]

I like that she's funny and she's like old school, where she's like, I still smoke cigarettes. So what? And I'm like, hell, yeah.

[A]

She is like a. She is a comic. Like, she really is. Like, she, she'll. She'll show up, shake everyone's hand, step out for a cigarette, get on stage, murder. Come back and be like, so what are we doing? Yeah, I'm just like, you are a fudgeing comedian, dude.

[B]

Yeah, I miss that. I miss that energy. Cause I had to, like, I went to Denver, I had to kind of get away from comedians for a while.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

To like, be a person and figure some shit out. Now I'm back in it.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

But like, I had, like four years kind of off from being around that energy for the most part.

[A]

What happened? Why did you think you needed to get away?

[B]

You know, Pandemic happened and I was like, I really thought I was running and gunning before Pandemic. And then everything stopped and I was like, oh, you're exhausted and you kind of hate yourself.

[C]

Oh.

[B]

And. Or just hate this version of yourself.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like weird LA trying to get it together. And pandemic had started right when I got that Comedy Central job. And I was like, you know, I'm like, they were like, fat people are going to die first. LA has the most cases in the country.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I was like, let me just go home for a minute and figure it out. And then it turned into four years where I was like, I love entertainment, it's given me a life. But I think that I was in a position to kind of dial it back for a while and be able to just get back to me for a little bit.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And, like, get focused just on me and life and like that. So now I'm back.

[A]

Now you're back.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That's interesting.

[B]

About to stop texting everybody.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

It's all lunch dates from here on in, baby.

[A]

Good luck getting a hold of me.

[B]

Come on.

[A]

David's back on the scene.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I got the cat.

[A]

I got the cat, I got the cat. So that's like 10 or 12 hours of the day.

[B]

Yeah, right there, right there.

[A]

Just bang those out.

[B]

I make its food, you know.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

In the, in the, in the kitchen, like, chefing for the cat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, man.

[B]

She's gluten free, is she? No.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Oh, no, no. I never know I have a hairless cat. I'm still an African person. Like, you can't.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

There's like, in your head, you're like, this is a cat.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You can't.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hell yeah.

[A]

Rock on.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

We're not giving it special diets.

[B]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

I don't think she's even insured, the cat.

[A]

Yeah, probably not.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

Probably not. Does I do that sag. What?

[B]

I got to get on that to.

[A]

Get you to your insurance? Yeah, I'd love you to have insurance. Do you have insurance?

[B]

I have. Sack. I have. I'm saying to say, can the cat.

[A]

Get on your sagging.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Well, you know, it's funny. I was reading something recently about. I'm not a pet owner. I would love to have a dog.

[B]

You seem like a. You seem like a classic dog, man.

[A]

I'd love to have a dog.

[B]

Like a golden retriever.

[A]

I'd love to have a dog. I wish.

[B]

And you have the house in Missouri?

[A]

I do.

[B]

Do you have. Are you there full time?

[A]

No, I hardly ever get to go there.

[B]

Do you have, like. Like a caretaker at the home, though?

[A]

There's always people there.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So, like, you could.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Keep a dog there.

[A]

I could. I've thought about getting a small dog and taking it around with me, and he travels with me and he's my dog.

[B]

That's like a level. That's a commitment. That's a new lifestyle.

[A]

But, David, I want kids.

[B]

Yeah. Okay.

[A]

Maybe it'd be good to, like, do the small dog now. There's a couple issues, of course. My schedule is crazy and I like to change it on a dime. That's one thing.

[B]

You don't like to fuck in front of animals. I know that.

[A]

I don't like to fucking front of animals. That's a huge problem.

[B]

It's. You do have to, like.

[A]

You have to, like.

[B]

You just. You just have to let that.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You just. It's just going to happen.

[A]

It's not the audience you want. No. You have.

[B]

No. And it's not even in. You know, the hard part about having sex in front of animals is like, you imagine if you're gonna have sex and someone else is gonna be present. They're gonna be engaged in some way.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

They're at least jerking off.

[B]

Yeah. But the dog is just in there.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Doing what she was doing before you were having sex.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean? So it's like not even.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So you feel like you're not even put.

[A]

Like.

[B]

Excuse me. I'm not.

[A]

You're not even gonna watch.

[B]

You're not gonna look.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

This isn't crazy to you?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

This isn't. You don't do anything. You sit in this house all fucking day.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm putting on a show over here. I'm doing my best.

[A]

I'm putting in work.

[B]

And you are going to turn to the wall and lick yourself right crazy. I pay rent.

[A]

I'd like you to at least be interested.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It's like you have nothing going on all day. I'm over here fucking.

[B]

I'm fucking. Yeah, dude, I'm putting it down.

[A]

I'm laying it down.

[B]

Come on.

[A]

I'm locked in over here.

[B]

Yeah. And you just could give a shit less.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like we're watching the Sopranos that.

[A]

Well, I wish.

[B]

I just finished my second rewatch.

[A]

Did you?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I will say, I love that show. It gets harder and harder every time. To watch the part where they beat a gay guy to death with a pipe. Yeah, that part. You go, whoa.

[B]

I mean, also when Ralph beats the shit out of that girl outside the Bing.

[A]

Crazy.

[B]

There's like. And I was watching it and my girl is not into it at all. And at one point she's like, every time I, like, tap in, they're doing something crazy to women.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

And I'm like, no, no, no. It's like Tony's. And then you're like, yeah, no.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

That's a big part of the show. You're like, no.

[A]

Tony's complicated. She's like, he's hitting people. Yeah. It's like. It's tough.

[B]

They just hit that woman. And you're like, okay.

[A]

It makes me feel better to know that your girlfriend doesn't really like Sopranos because she doesn't really like my comedy.

[B]

Come on, don't we talk. We were talking about this in the car. That's not. That's not. That's not right. That would. We should air it out.

[C]

Yeah, let's air it out.

[B]

She doesn't love comedy.

[A]

She didn't like my show.

[B]

She did like your show, Caleb. She did like your show. You put her in a terribly uncomfortable position. I don't know what she was going to do. She's not a liar.

[A]

What did I even do? I don't remember.

[B]

We. I had told. I said that her little sisters love you.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And you said, not.

[C]

Not her. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

And then you were like, was this on stage?

[B]

Yeah. And you were like, alana, if you're here right now, can you tell me, do you like my comedy? Yes or no? And then she said something along the line. She didn't lie. She was like, I know. I'M not really into it.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And then you were like, oh, so you hate me? It was not. It was nuts. It was so crazy. Alana, she's a real one, though. That's why I'm over there.

[A]

You know, I've never had more respect for somebody in my life.

[B]

She.

[A]

In a. Now I'm remembering, in a theater of a couple thousand people. She. She said out loud in the room, I'm not really fucking with you.

[B]

Yeah, it was. Yeah.

[A]

That's hilarious.

[B]

She just doesn't like comedy in a way that I appreciate because I made a joke the other day about. I was like, if I die early, you know, you're going to have to like, become a comedian, yo.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And she was like, that's literally my worst fear is you being dead and me doing stand up comedy.

[A]

The two, the two things that cannot happen to me.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Are you dying and me doing stand up comedy?

[B]

I was like, we. We should just call it right now. Let's get married today.

[A]

That's so funny.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What are you guys gonna do wedding wise? Have you talked about it yet?

[B]

We have. We got a venue.

[A]

Where?

[B]

Downtown. I don't. Can I say.

[A]

No worries.

[B]

I'll tell you afterwards. Yeah, but it's cool.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

Very old school. I'm excited to get married. I didn't think I would ever do that.

[A]

You didn't think you'd ever be like, be excited about a wedding or have a wedding?

[B]

I think I never thought about the specifics. I always figured I could find myself with some semblance of a family or. But the steps to get there, I never, like, was like romanticizing. So now it's like, oh, we gotta find a caterer and stuff. That's kind of. It feels like the beginning of the rom com.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So that's good.

[A]

That's really cute.

[B]

Yeah, I like that.

[A]

Are you guys going to do big or small? What's the.

[B]

Pretty small. Yeah, I think like 130 people or something like that.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

So, like middle. But we don't want to go too huge.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

This is to me. What. I don't like weddings. I famously don't like them.

[B]

Really?

[A]

And.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Please, I love you to death. Please don't invite me to you.

[B]

I won't.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

And I.

[A]

That's nice.

[B]

We need. We have a salary cap, so. That's awesome.

[A]

That's. Yeah, we can't have that many people in there.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you were on the list before.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Nice. And what changed?

[B]

Well. All right. No, I Shouldn't have done that. You weren't on the list before.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And it's not because. It's just because we've only done the family list.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

We haven't done any friends.

[A]

Nice. Okay, cool.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

No, I don't like them. And the scariest part to me is making the invite list.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. Cause I'm like, how do you do this, man who gets to come because you can't have. I know so many people that I love. I would get stressed out that I'd be like, I'm not inviting.

[B]

It's been tough, too, because I have a lot of friends, admittedly, who are real freak shows. You know what I mean?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And then I have to, like, suggests people to her, and then she says the one memory she has of them. You know what I mean?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

He's bringing up topics.

[B]

Yeah. I'm like, oh, what about Jansen cock? And she's like, the guy who wanted to bring a falcon to the park. And I'm like, okay, that's not. That's not super.

[A]

That's not his character.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That's not his character.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You could say one thing I've done, and now I'm not a good guy. You can talk about one exotic animal I wanted to bring to a park, and now I'm an asshole. You know what I mean?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

But, you know, we're getting there. We're figuring it out.

[C]

Hell, yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I love that. This podcast is sponsored by Angry Orchard. Look, guys, there's a litany of things that we shouldn't get angry about, but let's be honest. Sometimes it's hard not to be. You shouldn't get angry that your beloved sports team lost their season opener in embarrassing fashion to a division opponent, or that during that same loss, one of their star players got injured. Oh, don't get angry that your life has reached the point where you're turning to a random guy on a podcast with no real qualifications for life advice. Instead, get angry. Get an Angry Orchard. Angry Orchard is the number one hard cider in the country. It's naturally refreshing, delicious, and has just the right amount of sweetness to make it the perfect drink for when you're looking for something a little different. Angry Orchard has a bright, crisp flavor. It's the perfect balance of sweetness and acidity. That's what they said about me in college, you guys.

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[B]

That's also complicated.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Because I'm sort of of the mind that no one's canceled for a first dance. Yeah, she does not feel that way. What do you mean? She is. I just.

[A]

What do you want to do that she's worried about getting canceled for.

[B]

No, the musicians.

[C]

Okay. Okay. Like, yeah.

[B]

I don't want to get too into it, but I suggested some stuff and she's like, no.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Cancellations off the table when we're talking about first dance.

[B]

That's what I thought.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay. Yeah.

[B]

Because it's more about us making a memory.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

But yeah.

[A]

So you're not going to tell us who you really want that she's kind of on the fence about?

[B]

Let's just say it wasn't the original version of Ignition.

[A]

I want that for you, dude.

[B]

Me too. Caleb.

[A]

Yeah, I don't think it's.

[B]

Come on.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm saying. Yeah, you deserve this. You work hard.

[B]

You know what sucks is she's not gonna watch this. So it's still gonna be.

[A]

Well, don't I know it.

[B]

We have. You know what?

[A]

Shout out to her little sisters though.

[B]

You know what's funny? Yes. They'll watch this. She Has a. We have a note that we're updating for the wedding playlist.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And I did put ignition, and then I put just for the fellas. And she hates it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

She's not into that.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

No, not at all.

[A]

That is so funny. You go, ladies, leave the dance floor. This one's just for the boys.

[B]

And my argument is that, okay, maybe not first dance. But I think two hours into the reception, everybody's drunk. I think you turn just that one on.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And it still goes crazy.

[A]

I think you're good. Into the reception. I agree. It can't be. Probably can't be the first song.

[B]

No, no.

[A]

That would throw people off.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, I think a couple hours into the reception, you can get away with pretty much anything.

[B]

I think so, man. I think everybody's mingling. The drunk people are drunk. The high people are high. There's no kids.

[A]

Boring people have gone home and put.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

They already said their goodbyes.

[B]

The old people are done.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Or the old people who are with the shits.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So it's like, I. I think I'll get. Get it in there.

[A]

Yeah, I think you will, too.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And this is what the day's about, R. Kelly.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That's what the day should be about.

[B]

That's what the point is.

[A]

It's like, that's why we gathered here today.

[B]

Yeah. That's. That's why I'm wearing a mask.

[A]

That would be a fun. You feel. You strike me as a fun first dance kind of guy.

[B]

I think so. I'm. I was. Me and Alana were just talking about. This is so funny. I'm good in a party. I was really raised on, like, house parties.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

With, like, mad foreigners.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So, like, I'm. I was a party baby.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I grew into a party teen, and I'm now a party man.

[A]

What do you mean by mad foreigners?

[B]

So it's so weird, man. My mom came here, right? And she had me right after she got here. But she's like a kid. She's, like, 19.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So she went to college. So she went to college when I was like, two or three. So from, like, those three to seven, I guess I just lived on campus. And, like, when my mom first started college, she was at esl. So it was like. Like my second birthday party, I think, is just like, me, my tiny African mom. Cause my mom's, like, 4 11. And then just, like, the 25 Korean girls who are in her ESL class. But then she just. She just met all these African people and shit like that. And they would just. My whole life growing up, they would just always have crazy, like, house parties.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So like just dancing and so. And then like her and her friends, they all kind of continued that growing up. So there was. I just. Yeah, it was just always somebody was having a barbecue or a house party and there was always like dancing and all that shit.

[A]

I bet the food at the Korean African house party was.

[B]

The food was going up.

[A]

So sick.

[B]

Food was going up. There was. It was. My mom was reminding me this the other day. There were times where we'd be. Because we lived in apartments always. So there would be times where we'd be partying. I say we. Like, I was in. I was in the kids room, but I was sneaking out. Yeah, for sure I was sneaking out. You know what I mean? I hear waterfalls. My jam comes on. I go out there, everybody. It's cute when he's doing the bump.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

But my mom would leave the door open and like people from the neighborhood would like come into our parties. Like, it was really.

[A]

Sounds heavenly.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, we were very poor, but that part was good.

[A]

That part. Well, here's the thing. I also grew up very poor and that part sucked. But when everyone was just having a good time, you kind of forgot you were poor for a second.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

For a lot. I think I've, like dramatized it now as I got older that it was more of a burden on me maybe than it was really. I. I think a little bit. I think I was mostly kind of trying to have a good time.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I think as a little little kid, I feel maybe same. Like, as a little little kid, I didn't really know anything other than just like. Yeah, we went, we went to the lake a lot and lake parties were like. That was crazy.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Everyone's going crazy. The adults are having a good time. I didn't know that that was like their only day off for the year, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

You didn't know how important it was.

[A]

I didn't know why they were going so hard.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, the burgers had to be right, you know?

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

But there's like a fight.

[A]

People are being weird. They've had too much to drink.

[B]

For sure.

[A]

It's the one day they get off this year.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

But. Yeah, then when I got a little older and I couldn't wear name brand clothes, that's when she started to feel tight.

[B]

That's exactly when it happened. Was like, I think puberty, when you start to Feel that real difference is. Clothing is what it's.

[A]

Yeah, it's clothing for sure.

[B]

It's the three wife pleasers.

[A]

Three wife pleasers.

[B]

When Dovon and Jovan got two on.

[A]

Dovon and Jovan got 2 on Jovan, and Jovan is so awesome.

[B]

It was crazy. It was really. It was really nuts.

[A]

That's really fun. Do you know where they are now?

[B]

No. No idea.

[A]

No.

[B]

I don't even want to look them up.

[A]

I hope that they reach out because of this. I bet they're listeners. Dovon and Jovan, if you're out there, I love you.

[B]

They are not.

[A]

No, come on.

[B]

I don't think they're podcast Jovan and Jovan. If this was the Joe Budden podcast. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

[A]

Damn. You don't think I got reach.

[B]

I don't.

[A]

You don't think I'm.

[C]

You don't.

[B]

Not to where they're at. Not to where they're. I think some people from my past will see this.

[C]

Yeah, for sure. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I think some guys.

[A]

Guys, if you're from David's past, please reach out.

[B]

Don't. Don't. It's okay. Everybody.

[A]

Everybody.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

I don't answer dms.

[A]

I've had a. I've had a couple moments in the last couple years of like, you know, it's like. It's funny the things I think that are big happening in my career. No one from the past reaches out. No, they don't think the same things are cool that I do. And then the things they think are cool are things I don't really care about. But that's when I get the reach out from the random stranger from the past.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

The, like, girl you had one class in college with. It's like, I always knew. It's like, okay, we barely spoke, you know?

[B]

Yeah. That is so odd. It is so odd. You know what I've gotten is some people reaching out in, like, an odd. Like. Like there's this one guy who, quite frankly, we really just used to do drugs together. Like, that's really what the relationship was. And he'd reach out, but it was always so, like, you probably don't even remember me. And I'm like, all right, man, well, I'm not gonna answer to that. And then it's like six of them.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, oh, I bet you forgot your days at dirty tricks. And I'm like, hey, man, what the fuck?

[A]

It's like, antagonistic, kind of insecure. You probably don't even remember me at all, huh? Yeah, it's Like, I do, but I don't want to talk.

[B]

Well, it was that guy particularly. It was like, did you ever have a friend that used to get fucked up with a lot and then you tried to hang out sober one time, you're like, oh, I don't even know.

[A]

That wasn't part of my journey.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I wasn't good. I wasn't getting fucked up like that.

[B]

That's good. That's probably good.

[A]

But I can totally see what occurred there.

[B]

Yeah. Where was, like, one time in the daytime.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And you're like, oh, we don't have any. We don't really have anything.

[A]

I think I had a lot of friends that had, like, this happen to them in mass. That they were like, my whole friend group is based on partying. And then they wake up one day when they're like, 26, and they're like, I don't like or know any of these people.

[B]

Yeah. It's like a lot of people you realize you've never seen in the daytime.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah. Or sober or anything.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you're like, oh, these are just like. I think we're all. We're less like. We're not connecting. We're kind of just bumping into each other at the night time.

[C]

You know what I mean? Yeah.

[B]

But where were you.

[A]

Where were you when. Where were you in your early 20s?

[B]

San Francisco.

[A]

San Francisco.

[B]

I was so. I was in a town in Colorado, and I got the up out of there, and then I made my way to San Francisco at 20, 22, and I started doing comedy. And then I was like. I think I left to come here when I was, like, 27, 28.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I knew that you had done comedy in San Francisco before you came here.

[B]

I was. I was heavy in San Francisco. I really loved it.

[A]

I didn't know you were out there for that long.

[B]

Yeah, years. Years.

[A]

Fixture of the scene.

[B]

Oh, Yeah. I was Mr. I. Man, I loved it so much. I like when I was in San Francisco because it was the first time I moved around a lot as a kid. So San Francisco was the first time I felt like an active participant in my community in a real way. And I just, like, really, like, I threw shows for my neighbor. Like, I wanted to be popping in the inner Richmond.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

That was like, what I was like. I wanted everybody on Clement street to know who I was. You know what I mean?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And it was like. Yeah, it was an amazing time. A bunch of fun friends were there. Amy Miller was there one of the.

[A]

Most confounding things to me about Amy is that she's not Midwestern.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Because she gives crazy Midwestern.

[B]

It's like. You know what it is, is it's a branch of California a lot of people don't know about.

[A]

No, I know. I really had to tap in on that because I met her, she's the kind person. She would live next to sex workers and be like, hey, girls.

[C]

Yeah. You know?

[A]

And I'm like, you're giving Omaha in such a crazy way.

[B]

Yeah. No, but not Omaha at all. Elsa Branny.

[C]

Big.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[B]

Elsa Branny. It's not even Oakland. It's like the. Out. Different thing. Yeah.

[A]

It's past Oakland, actually. Different thing.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I did have to find out that there was a version of California that.

[B]

Gives Midwestern, which is nice, because it's almost like it can't all be paradise.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

I do.

[B]

It's like. Or have you ever been north of San Francisco?

[A]

Like, I've been up there, but I'm not hanging around.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

It's hairy up there.

[A]

It's weird to feel things that drive by, being around California. I've been around the whole state in the last, you know, couple years, and it's weird to feel like. To feel the. The culture and the politics of home, but to be around palm trees and mountains. It's very uncanny valley to me.

[B]

It pisses me off because, quite frankly, because it's like. Like in Colorado, I lived in a little shit town for a long time, or just a little small town kind of shit, but, like, those people. It's brown all the time. The weather sucks. You're on the high plains. You're not even in the mountains. I understand your hatred of California, your hatred of other people. Yeah, it sucks over here.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

But you go down to Orange county and you're like, what the fuck are you mad about?

[A]

What are you complaining about?

[B]

You over here, you're like that.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You should love everybody. Nobody's coming for this.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

O.C.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, you're good. You're chilling. Yeah. It seems odd to me. I don't know how anybody could be a Republican by the beach.

[A]

That's a beautiful sentiment, David.

[B]

I feel.

[A]

That's a beautiful sentiment, I feel. Do you think that. What? Do you have any Republican opinions? Feelings? What do you got going on over there? Anything Republican going on for you? No, I don't think so.

[C]

Right?

[B]

No. No, I don't. I guess I don't hate hunting and fishing.

[A]

Were you going Fishing.

[B]

I like fishing. I'm not hunting. I said to sound cool, but fishing.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Hunting is just too much more involved.

[B]

I feel it's also, it's. Yeah. It's a bigger time commitment. You gotta have the guns. But fishing, especially in Denver, Me and my friends would go fishing a lot.

[C]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I haven't been fishing in a while, man.

[B]

I. We should go fishing.

[A]

We really should.

[B]

I wish you were. I wish now, now I wish I was in Denver because I got spots. Damn. You know what I mean?

[A]

I bet we'll end up in Denver at the same time eventually.

[B]

Yeah. It'll happen soon.

[A]

Life is long.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We need to do that.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I'd love to go fishing. I haven't been in forever, really. I did when I was a kid, I would go.

[B]

It's like, it's just a reason to be outside, man.

[A]

That's the thing. I'd like to go fishing with like minded adults because the issue with fishing and hunting growing up for me is that I'm a talker. And the men in my family were not enjoying that.

[B]

Right.

[A]

They were, they were very much like, shut the upper.

[B]

Like, you're just in the blind just talking about stuff.

[A]

Oh, I'm truly just in the blind, like kicking my feet up. Being like at school, there's this kid. I'm like enjoying my uncle's like, yeah, yeah, man. You're gonna scare the deer away. You're gonna scare the fish away. I was always scaring something by talking.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, I mean, but that goes into life. I, you know, I'm glad I'm not that kind of man.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, I feel like I have enough masculine traits, but I was very much raised by women, so I'm not like the kind of like, if I'm alone with my friend, we're talking.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

We're gabbing it up. My feet are up.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

We're chitting. We're chatting.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

All that Kiki and chatty cat, whatever you want to call it. I'm not like that quiet. I'm quiet by myself. I don't need to be quiet with my friends. I love my friends.

[A]

That's what I'm saying. I don't want. And I don't want to be quiet with anybody. If I'm. If I'm in a hunting mind with a person. We're chatting.

[B]

Yeah. Because what else are we doing?

[A]

I'm stuck in here with you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I want to be quiet with you.

[B]

I'm covered in deer piss. I want to at least Talk about how I feel about it.

[A]

I'm fucking drenched in deer piss.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He's like, yeah, you didn't have to do that. Yeah, but I wanted. But I wanted to, man, because I love you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You got any kids in your life?

[B]

Children? My sister just had a baby.

[C]

Oh, yeah?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When?

[B]

Four months ago.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Fresh baby.

[B]

Yeah. Little baby. Other than that, I don't really have any children. My life, which sucks because I really like children. But it's like I'm at a point where if I want to interact with some, I gotta grow my own.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You can't just be out here.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Who just had a really funny joke about that? Ahmed.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Hamid just had a great joke about that. I don't remember the specifics of it, but he was just basically like. Yeah, I can't. I can't just be like playful with kids the way I want to in public. It's not a good look.

[B]

I had a bit about that on my Comedy Central.

[A]

Did you?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It really is true. And I feel it all the time.

[B]

Yeah. And it's like. Cuz it's like I very much remember being a kid and like strangers taking a liking to you, like in the grocery or some storage. Something.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And always really enjoying those interactions.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, or just like an old lady winks at you or some just shit like that. You know what I mean?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Did that sound crazy?

[A]

No, but. No, but it was. I feel that I'm with you.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Because I've always been. I was on the street a lot as a kid by myself. And I've just always been the type of people. Person that people would come up to.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, I've just always had that in. Sometimes it'd be weird. I remember being a little kid, like dudes trying to sell me cologne out of backpacks. And that wasn't.

[A]

Yeah, that's different.

[B]

That was an ideal, but like a lot of just strangers talking to me. And I always really liked that. I always thought. Or like, you know, you'd be running around the store and somebody would like laugh at that. Just like interacting with kids. But you really. You probably shouldn't be doing that.

[A]

It's hard because I love kids and I do want to like when they're. When they're like, you know, I want to talk to them because I think they're so interesting. And I'm like, I love that you're in here being silly.

[B]

Me too.

[A]

But then you look at the parents and sometimes the parents aren't like the Parent needs to give you a cue that you can be silly with the kid.

[B]

Right? Right. There needs to be some type of. I remember when I first moved to San Francisco, there was like this elaborate bandana system to tell people how you like to have sex.

[C]

Yes. Yeah.

[A]

We learned about this.

[B]

You remember that?

[A]

We learned about this recently on the pod.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

We had a gay historian on the pod.

[B]

It was crazy. I remember because I remember it was like. It was the first. My first, like, wow, I'm not in Colorado anymore. You know what I mean? Like I was at an open mic and this guy has like an orange bandana out of his left pocket and some girls like that means he's down for anything. And I was like, what? Because at the time too, I was like, I've always been open, but I just wasn't like liberal in the way that I wasn't around a lot. Especially like gay people. I just wasn't around. So I remember her saying, he's down for anything. I was like, this guy's probably kissing dudes, to say the least.

[A]

He's actually probably graduated from kissing dudes.

[B]

He doesn't even do that. I was like, down for anything. I was like, what do you mean? Like, he kissed a boy.

[A]

So fucking funny, dude.

[B]

Yeah, I was a rube when I got to San Francisco.

[A]

For sure, you were adult, an oaf just kind of going around being like, who wants to teach me about gay.

[B]

Well, because it was like I had seen a lot of life but like bad stuff. So I'd seen a lot of like violence and crime and shit like that. But I hadn't just seen like really open sexually people, you know what I mean? Yeah, I was always curious about it, cuz it's like it always seemed like it was a good time.

[A]

Yeah, you know, it does seem like it's a good. That's partially why I ended up over there.

[B]

Yeah, they seem like they're having a good time.

[A]

You go, those people are having fun.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Were you? I feel like I know some of your story from watching the podcast, but you weren't. Besides having sex with high school boys, you weren't like gay community in. In Missouri, right?

[A]

No, I had some. I was.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Hooking up with like peers and some guys a little bit older when I was in. When I was a teenager. But I Maybe a little bit like I would talk to. When I was in middle school, I got in gay chat rooms. Not sexually, but I was in gay.

[B]

Chat rooms just for friends.

[A]

No, truly. To talk to gay people.

[B]

That's so beautiful. People don't talk about. Everybody talks about the predatory nature of the chat rooms. Nobody ever talks about.

[A]

Just like, I was in there. I was so scared, David. I was, like, literally on my Grandma's computer on MySpace in Iowa. Like, everyone's outside playing, and I would sneak in and I had a fake my. I had, like, a secret MySpace account.

[B]

A secret gay MySpace?

[C]

Yes. Yes.

[A]

And I'd be like.

[B]

I'd be like, I am.

[A]

I am 13, I live in Missouri. I'm gay. What do I do?

[B]

That's literally their biggest fear.

[A]

Do it truly.

[B]

Like, when MySpace popped, everybody was like, what if my son has a secret gay MySpace? Oh, that's so funny.

[A]

Meanwhile, I'm truly just on there to be like, someone tell me what to watch.

[B]

That's all.

[A]

Someone give me a movie. I got so scared. I remember one. One older gay guy messaged me back, and he was like. He was like, honey, when you feel stressed out, have some chamomile tea and just remember, you're gonna get older someday. And I got so scared by the kindness of that that it felt intimate. And I deleted my account and didn't get back on for a while.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

I was so scared of that.

[B]

I have a few questions about your account.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Did you do your own coding for wallpaper?

[C]

No. No.

[A]

No design? No.

[B]

No design. You didn't have, like, a song play?

[A]

No. No name? No. It was like, oh, yeah. It was like, whatever. Whatever.

[B]

The least you could do was, oh, you poor baby. Because. Did you have any gay people in your life at all?

[C]

No.

[B]

That's tough.

[A]

So I was, like, looking, you know, But I did know inherently that, like, I knew my Aunt Ashley. I knew my mom would be like, wouldn't care. You could just feel that they were. I mean, maybe my Aunt Ashley was openly saying politically progressive stuff, but my mom's always been like, a. Anytime someone would say something hateful around her about any type of person, she'd be like, whatever, let's have a beer.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, she was never down with that shit.

[B]

That's awesome.

[A]

So I always knew she would be cool.

[B]

That's how my mom was, too. Well, also, my mom was like. She went out clubbing a lot. So from an early age, I knew, go to gay bars if you don't want to get hit on by men.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

As a woman, my mom was doing that in, like, the mid-90s. Queen. Yeah. Her and her friends would go. Because she's like, she. She always had a lot of friends. But it's Mostly, like, she has, like, a core group of women that kind of. They're still friends to this day, shout out to my aunties. But they would all go out a lot. And my mom likes to dance. So, like. Yeah, they were going to gay bars in Seattle, which is weird because then as an adult, sometimes I'll go out to see a bar and then I'll remember my mom having talked about that bar when I was a kid.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

Like the rebar or some. You know what I mean? Which is weird.

[A]

That's really weird.

[B]

Yeah, it's strange.

[A]

That's very interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was. I was hopping on there. I was hopping on MySpace to chit chat with. With gay people. But I had a lot of the same things you probably had when you moved to San Francisco. When I was like. Like going up to Kansas City in high school to go to, like, movie theaters and see gay movies and stuff. Yeah, I would see gay people and, like, I would try and, like, I would try to strike up a conversation with them, you know, just to hear. But I was so, like, I would see, like, gay guys holding hands in Kansas City, and I'd be like, oh, my God, they're just doing that out in the open.

[B]

You know what's crazy? Because that integration into your community is so odd. I had that in San Francisco, but with black people. Because I was in a small town for, like, four years. No. Where there were no anybody. Black people. There's like a few Mexicans, but they only spoke Spanish.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So it's like, very isolating. In San Francisco, it was the same thing. Just going to black movies.

[A]

Like, hey, hey, guys. Me as well. Any questions?

[B]

Yeah, I got this green bandana, means I'm down to talk to any race.

[A]

I'll talk to any race. I don't mind.

[B]

Yeah, send a Pacific Islander over. I don't give a.

[A]

Bring him over.

[B]

No worries.

[A]

I don't care at all.

[B]

That's so funny. I'm totally cool.

[A]

That's so funny.

[B]

You know, the weird thing about moving to San Francisco was, like, there was so much open stuff sexually. And I found out really quickly that I'm just a boring straight. And I always felt like, damn, it's tough it. Cause you're like, I'm in the playground.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

How did I end? There would be times where I'd be like, how did I end up in San Francisco? Not gay at 23.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

This is fucked.

[A]

But that's how, you know. You really mean it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

With the straight.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

That is. That is It.

[A]

I really believe that you're straight.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that's a hard pill for me to swallow about anybody that I like.

[B]

I get that.

[A]

I believe you.

[B]

I get. No, I.

[A]

Because you had the. You're right there.

[B]

And it was. If it was going to happen.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

And I remember I'd be at like. We used to tell jokes at this place, the Stud.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

This old gay bar on Folsom. And it would be like right after the open Mark Mike was this party called Bear Wars.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

And so it would be like the opening.

[A]

You had a tough time getting out of there, brother.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And it was the most. It was the first because I was like. I was like 23, 24. It was the first time anyone had paid me any attention in the way of like buying me drinks and shit.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Big handsome guy like you.

[B]

And even that didn't do it. So I just ain't got it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It's not for you.

[B]

Yeah. You know, everything's for everybody.

[A]

No.

[B]

And I appreciate the culture.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I. One of my favorite things is how much my. My like married straight guy friends take an interest in my life.

[B]

That's beautiful.

[A]

They're very. They're very jealous and interested. They're like, oh, you guys just. You just call up a blowjob on command. That's crazy.

[B]

I think sometimes. This is. Sounds terrible. I think sometimes men, straight, super straight men, look at gay men and they view it as like the idea of a life unencumbered by women.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like you don't have to.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And I think that's what they're so excited about sometimes. I will say, you and your boys just kiss.

[A]

You guys just hang out and then you're them.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

What?

[B]

What?

[A]

Well, so not my boys, but so many straight guys don't genuinely just don't like women. That's what I mean, that's totally what it is. It's just like, oh, I got to go. My girlfriend.

[B]

Yeah. It's one of the more alarming things about growing up.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Finding out like. Cuz like I knew about men from my mom and her friends growing up. And then high school, I was playing football and shit. And then I got. I was doing construction for a while and shit. So like finding out that like there's a lot of dudes who just like. And they operate. I'm not saying they're like violent, terrible. They operate in society, they have women in their lives, but they just don't like women. And you're like, oh, I didn't know. That sucks.

[A]

It's a real. They have no interest. And it's a real weird. Like, I honestly had a big.

[B]

Honestly, other people that way do. My girl does not care for men at all.

[A]

Queen.

[B]

She likes me.

[A]

She's real.

[B]

Other than that, she's not really.

[A]

She's real.

[B]

Because I'll try to put shit on sometimes. Like just any man dominated thing. Like last night I was making dinner and I put on the. The master.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And like 30 minutes in, I was like, what do you say? And she's like, oh, I'm not watching.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It's funny. So. Men and women in many ways so incompatible and still really trying it, you know?

[B]

What else are we gonna do?

[A]

Well, yeah. Yeah, if you can.

[B]

Yeah, but what am I gonna do? I don't like it.

[A]

You're in it. Yeah, I know. I feel for you, dude. Yeah, I do think. Oh, wait, what was I gonna say? It was about. About gig. Oh, well, I've obviously reckoned with men not liking women for a long time because I grew up in the place I grew up in.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But really, truly, when. When Taylor Swift started going to a bunch of Chiefs games because she's dating.

[B]

Travis, was that huge for you?

[A]

Well, the reaction to it, I really like re engaged with how much men don't like women. Because all these men. To me, as a gay guy who loves football, I have one of the biggest struggles.

[B]

One of the many.

[A]

One of. By the way, we're all. We're out here, we're everywhere. But I truly have such a. One of the biggest struggles of my life is trying to get the women in my life to care about it at all.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So many of the women in my life don't care about football, and some do. But when Taylor came around, I was so excited because I was like, oh, the girls I love are now suddenly interested in football. This is gonna be so good for me to bridge my interests. And all these straight men were like, get that dumb bitch off the screen.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I was like, you don't want to bond with your daughters over the thing you love, you idiot.

[B]

No, they come here to specifically not do that.

[A]

I just was like, wow, I forgot.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

They're like, that's why I'm over here. Yeah.

[A]

I was like, whoa, that's crazy. Oh, yeah. That's the point.

[B]

I'm like, yeah, that's the whole thing. I. Man, I wish I still loved football so much.

[A]

You could come be a fan of my team if you want.

[B]

No, I can't. I'M a Broncos fan.

[A]

No worries. Well then get back into them. I think they'll probably figure something out soon enough. Do you think that who they got so Nick's. Is he still there?

[B]

Sucks. This sucks right now.

[A]

Yeah, I know.

[B]

Because I do hate the Chiefs just viscerally.

[A]

Totally.

[B]

And there were a lot of eras that I had to sit out. Even though you guys had cool going on.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Dante hall, that whole situation.

[A]

I know, man.

[B]

So cool.

[A]

Tough not to be a fan.

[B]

Tony Gonzalez, when I was a kid.

[A]

Alltime greatest.

[B]

Yeah. But. Oh yeah, Shannon.

[A]

You don't think he's the greatest tight end of all time?

[B]

Shannon Sharp is the greatest tight end of all time.

[A]

Tony Gonzalez is way better than Shannon Sharp.

[B]

I feel numbers wise. I don't think so.

[A]

Isn't he statistically as well?

[B]

How many yards does Tony Gonzalez have? All time?

[A]

Is Tony Gonzalez the all time.

[B]

He's got like all the records.

[A]

We're gonna figure this out. We're gonna get to the bottom of this right now. Tony Gonzalez, it's. He's not my type. I find him a beautiful person.

[B]

You don't think Tony Gonzalez is hot?

[A]

I think he's attractive, but I don't.

[B]

Go up for that city.

[A]

I don't go up. I'm not like, oh my God, Tony.

[B]

Gonzalez looks like he's on a telenovela.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What do we got, Chance? He is the NFL record holder for.

[B]

Career receiving yards for a tight end and career reception receptions for a tight end. Who's number two? Shannon Sharp. What's he bench right now? Shannon's putting up 405.

[A]

Number two might be. Is Gronkowski somewhere up there.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You know who I liked a lot was Todd Heap.

[A]

I don't know who that is.

[B]

He used to be a tight end for the Ravens.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He's a good guy. That was back when I still. As I got old, as I get older, I just. Football less and less. Was it. And it was like I like cared about it.

[A]

You're never going to come back, you think?

[B]

I don't know, man. Not in the way comedy really sucked all the sports out of my life. Like I used to. Like. I lived and died by the Broncos. I lived and died by the Nuggets. That was like my shit. I cared so much in high school, I used to watch college football. I loved Christmas break when I could watch all the bowl games and shit.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And I think the further I got away from playing.

[A]

So two Chiefs in the top three. Tony Gonzalez and Travis Carson.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

Shane Sharp. Is number five.

[B]

Five.

[A]

And it's a big gulf between him and number. By the way, Shane sharp is number five with nine. 9,960 receiving yards. Antonio Gates is number four with 11,800.

[B]

God. Gates was a cool piece of work, though.

[A]

It's a big golf there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm sorry, dude. I'm so sorry.

[B]

I think that I was just in Colorado and I was caught up in the wave, you know?

[A]

Totally.

[B]

I just like the same way Terrell Davis is going to be the best running back to me.

[A]

Yeah, absolutely.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

This all makes sense to me. Hey, it's no worries. I'm surprised Jamel's not getting you into basketball at all. You guys aren't.

[B]

I'm. I'm into basketball. I'm into basketball pretty well because the Nuggets are fun and.

[A]

But I'm not like one of the only NBA. NBA games I've ever been to. Nuggets game.

[B]

Really? Not the day that we. Not. Not that day.

[A]

No, no, not that day. Couldn't get it together for that day.

[B]

I was really glad when you said you didn't want to go, because I was like, I don't want to sit in them little eyes. Same. Yeah. Because we ran into that delight, man.

[A]

We ran into, like, this cool. David and I went out to lunch in Denver and we. There's a guy sitting alone at a picnic table. Real tall, older black guy. Handsome dude.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And we were like, could we. Do you mind if we sit over here? And he goes, go ahead, guys. We start chatting him up. He was a. He was a fun talker.

[B]

Awesome. Awesome, man. We were.

[A]

Bailey go in it.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then we find out he was like a player for. Was it the Jazz?

[B]

The Jazz. And he's an analyst now. And he was in town for the game that night.

[A]

Yeah, he was cool.

[B]

He was awesome.

[A]

New to his Instagram. His fits are crazy.

[B]

Yeah, he was. He was a hot old dude.

[A]

He's slick.

[B]

Yeah. I really like that guy.

[A]

He was cool. Thor. What was his name?

[B]

Thorough. Bailey.

[A]

Thorough Bailey. He was cool as hell.

[B]

His name was Thorough.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And he was pulling it off.

[A]

Oh, he was sick.

[B]

Cuz, like, thorough could suck.

[A]

I think it's funny because we walked up and we saw him sitting there and I think I said.

[B]

It was like.

[A]

It's like Kareem. He's like. Yeah.

[B]

We were talking about Kareem and Veronica Mars in the car. We were talking about that. And then we pulled up. Because we pulled up and I was like, that's like Kareem vibes.

[A]

It's like Kareem.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. And then he was a professional bat actor.

[A]

Crazy.

[B]

Which never happened.

[A]

How fun you.

[B]

I walked away from that day feeling like that's like just what happens to you. What do you mean? I just feel like maybe you're a bit charmed in that way.

[A]

Charmed? Like fun little. Fun little things like that.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. You know, some people are like. Some people are kind of just like. It's just how it is for them.

[A]

I hate, I hate to. It is.

[B]

Yeah, it is. That's okay.

[A]

Charming little things do kind of happen to me, but I also wonder it charm. Do charming little things just happen to me? Or also am I seeking out charming little things? Because I really think I am.

[B]

I think everybody.

[A]

Oh, you think everyone's seeking charming little things.

[B]

Not everyone, but I think the people who do what we do.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, we need shit to talk about.

[A]

We need experiences. We do need experiences.

[B]

We're always looking for fun little animation.

[A]

I feel like you're finding them, right?

[B]

Yeah. Sometimes they're happening to you. I, I, I have had so much periods of chaos in my life. I'm pretty glad for it to be mad slow.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I like to be in the house. You know what I mean?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I like to get. I like to smoke one joint, dance to one pebble song and a riot. And then I want to go home. And then I want to go home to the girls.

[C]

Yeah, that's like.

[A]

That's beautiful, dude. Yeah.

[B]

All my animals, women.

[A]

That's really beautiful. Yeah, that's kind of how your life is set up.

[B]

Yeah, I like it. I'm doing good, I think.

[A]

Yeah, I, I do, I do. You were saying something about when you were a kid that people would like to talk to you. Like strangers would like to talk.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't know if you still have this, but strangers will say anything to me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, strangers come up to me. These two have seen it. It's crazy. Like any I'll be doing. I'm not. I won't even be particularly acting friendly in a moment. Like I'm like a downbeat on tour, like lugging bags or something. And someone out of nowhere will just be like, nice weather. I'm like, what? Like they like, will come over, brother.

[B]

I'm in Century City Mall last night, me and Alana just sitting there eating food. And some old crazy looking man. Like, his, his hair was like. It was, it was like it was wind, like wind blown.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Like it was Like. Yeah, like Doc Brown.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And also died. Very blonde.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And he was just like, hey, you got good vibes. I'm 70 years old. You know what the key is to a great marriage? Just talking to me.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And that kind of thing happens to me a lot.

[A]

But you do have great vibes, so I understand why he did that.

[B]

But I wasn't doing anything.

[A]

You don't have to. You have an image. You have an emanating radiance about your soul.

[B]

I was drinking chick fil a I.

[A]

But it's there. I just. The other night, saw a woman fall down. Strong open, saw a woman. I was walking with my boyfriend. I saw a woman fall down in New York City, and I left him over there, and I ran to help her, and I said. I said, hey, how are you? I'm so sorry. I saw that. Are you okay? She felt she tumbled hard.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And immediately she looked. When I locked eyes with her, I said, this woman has an incredible soul. She's like a beautiful human being. Like, I could feel it just immediately, just from looking in her eyes.

[B]

I love that.

[A]

And I'm dead serious. And then we had a beautiful connection. We talked for a minute, and the rest of the night, I was being a little weird to my boyfriend because I couldn't stop talking about where I can bed. And I'm like, man, I miss that woman.

[B]

Okay, two things. You have that similar. When we were driving home from the mall, I was like. I don't know how to explain it. I think that was divine.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

I'm telling you.

[B]

Because he was. The guy was also like. He was like, you know, one rule I have. Don't be tight. Spend it. And I've been like. I've been, like, weirdly tight. Just like, think the idea of getting married all of a sudden put money in perspective in a way where it was like, money was only a thing that I needed for next week or whatever. And now, like, I have to build a life. So I've been, like, nervous about it. And then he said that, and I was like, you know what? You're right, brother. Second of all, boyfriend. How's that going?

[C]

It's good.

[B]

Yeah, it's good.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You want to show me a picture? Maybe I'll react better than you did to my cat.

[A]

Well, you have to, because he might watch this.

[B]

Yes, she might watch this.

[A]

Your cat's gonna tune in.

[B]

He's the biggest.

[A]

Alana would never allow that. I gotta find a picture of. Do you want to see us together or you just want to see him?

[B]

Yeah, I want to see. I want to see together. I want to see the light in the eyes.

[A]

Oh, this is us. Well, wait, I want to just show you this.

[B]

This is going to be cool. He's beautiful. God damn. Whoa. He could play. He could play anything.

[A]

He's beautiful, but he's really mean to me. So.

[B]

Is that what you're looking for?

[A]

He treats me bad. Yeah, he's not asked these two. He treats me bad. He's toxic. No, no, he's a total. He's a total sweetheart. He's like the nicest guy I've ever dated.

[B]

He's got like. He's got like the type of tattoos that mean he's well traveled, you know what I'm saying? Like, not in an asshole way though, in a cool way. Oh my God, he's reading a book on the beach. Yeah, brother, I'll tell you, that book never gets read when I go to the beach. Bring it every time though.

[A]

Yeah, it's going good. We like that guy.

[B]

Good, good, good. He Would you guys cohabitate or like. No, no, different cities.

[A]

We know. We live both in Brooklyn.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But it's funny because I'm gone all the time and he travels quite a bit for work and like for friends stuff. Like he's always at some point, birthday party in some other state.

[B]

That's country, I assume.

[A]

Or country as the case may be. He's traveling and it's. Yeah, it's funny trying to make it all work, you know?

[B]

Yeah, but that's great. Yeah, it's nice for you.

[A]

It's nice. Thanks, dude.

[B]

You seem like. You seem like you would be. I would imagine if you're just. You could be a bit of a fuck boy, but I bet as a partner you're amazing is what I. Wow, you clocked my. Is that what it is?

[A]

Chance of Virginia are shaking their heads violently, violently over there.

[B]

Well, cuz that's. I mean, I think it's that I have the same thing. Yeah, it's just like you got so much charm that like, if it's not. If it's just oozing out, then you're not really paying attention to who's getting it and who's not.

[C]

Yeah, like.

[B]

Like I've. Yeah, sometimes it's hard to focus that.

[A]

I had a lot of fun fucking around. That. That was an era for sure.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I'm. Yeah, I'm enjoying. I'm enjoying being in relationship. It's nice.

[B]

That's good. Good for you.

[A]

Yeah, I'll Talk about it very much. I. I really do want to keep. I. I want to keep some things, like, private, you know?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I feel like my life is so not private. I share everything.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That I've been really slow to talk about romance. Multiple times throughout my career.

[B]

Same. Yeah, same. Even I just talk about. Because we're engaged now. So it's like. I feel like it comes up a lot more.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

But before that, not too much, because it's also like, they want you. Everybody wants everything to be for sale now. And it's like, I ain't going.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And I don't want it to be like, my thing is my thing. I don't want her to have to be a. In a. You know what I mean?

[A]

Right.

[B]

I don't want to have to. Her to have to feel like she's.

[A]

A character in this weird, like, show that I'm building.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Because we all think that way as entertainers.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And it's like, yeah, you got to let. Let her shit be her shit or his shit be his shit.

[A]

I distinctly have not. I've not talked about him on stage. I've not talked about him much on here. And I.

[B]

Well, that's coming. That I know.

[A]

But you can avoidable. It's unavoidable because it's your life.

[B]

Yeah. I. I avoided it for a really long time.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And then. But after a while, you're just like, it's too big of a part to not. I know. And we don't have kids, you know, so what am I gonna talk about? That's.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That's tough, though, because it's like, now.

[B]

I can't talk about. Dating is weird anymore.

[A]

Well, you lose this whole big chunk of when you're not dating. I got really. I had to really process that. One of my big fears of being in a relationship. I have many. Because I have commitment issues, which is several people's fault. My mom's dad and then mine.

[B]

But you're also so charming, I feel like. Are you? So I feel like when. Sometimes when people are so outgoing, the idea of committing feels like. I feel like if you're very successful socially, the idea of committing to one thing seems like. But what am I leaving on the table?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What's scary, because I'm like. I also liked. I like dating. I think it's fun to like.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I like the rush of, like, meeting someone new and having a good time and getting to know them and getting.

[C]

You know.

[A]

But one of my Big. One of my big fears that is so. Sounds so irrational and crazy is by getting in a relationship is like, oh, I'm gonna lose all my dating material. All those, like, fun experiences I was having that were building, you know?

[B]

Dude, man, that shit is so real. I, like, I tell on all the time. I'm like, man, just don't let me end up being a dad comic, bro. Like, it's gonna happen at some point. I'm gonna have to talk about it, but I don't want to. I've seen that take out a lot of people I thought were great.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And then kids say the darndest things.

[B]

Yeah. All of a sudden, now you're just talking about that, and then the whole brand is that. And it's like, you used to talk about coke.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And that was cool.

[A]

We're missing him.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I missed the coke talk a little bit.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You know.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I think that'll be a really intentional, like, when you have kids or when I have kids, like, because we feel that way. I think a really intentional thing will be, like, making sure I already feel right now just because I've been working so much and filming things that, like, I'm, like, trying. I'm, like, going, like, go have. Please go have an experience.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I want to be more intentional about, like, going and doing shit that's out of my comfort zone so that I'm living a fucking life for me, but also for. So I have something to talk about.

[B]

Well. And you know what I found is, like, I was, like, for a long time, I was really committed to that in the way of doing crazy shit.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, destructive stuff.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Or not even destructive. Just wild. You know what I mean? Like, so I could get on State because I wasn't living a real life. My shit had to be hyped.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Because I couldn't get on stage and be like, oh, depression's tough to battle with. So I'd be like, you ever do mushrooms under the Golden Gate Bridge on a Wednesday? You know what I'm saying? Like, I had to really, like, go out there.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And that was, like, the way I was living intentionally, because I wasn't maybe doing the normal stuff. But now it's like, my tweeters are blown, bro.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I've done too much exciting stuff. Let me keep me in house.

[A]

You're like, I'm at home.

[B]

Yeah. I'm like, I'm having fun with you. I'm really excited because after this, I'm gonna go watch Francis Tiafo play. Tennis with Jamel. And that's like, hell, yeah, my day.

[A]

I love that.

[B]

We gotta go to San Pedro and pick up some bar stools.

[A]

I love that day. David, what's so true to you?

[B]

Oh, man, I'm not ready. If you don't spend the time getting to know yourself, life is gonna prove it to you in a hard way.

[C]

Way.

[B]

Oh, I think that's really true. I think that I spent a lot of time maybe putting qualities that I thought I wanted myself to have and things like priorities that I thought I wanted to have on myself. And then it. I wasn't that guy. And then you just keep bumping up to a difficult wall, but then, you know, you just take the time to really sit and be like, what do I want? What do I think? It makes everything so much easier, man.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That's really, really good advice.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Really interesting. David, I. Well, you know, I think you're brilliant.

[B]

Yeah. I love you.

[A]

I just love talking to you, dude.

[B]

This is so good.

[A]

And guess what? You're not even done yet, because I got a segment for you.

[B]

Oh, is this the money thing?

[A]

The money ball, baby.

[B]

Okay, let's go. I feel like I. I've played along with some of these. I feel.

[A]

You feel ready?

[B]

I feel okay, because. What do I got to get 10?

[A]

You have to get 10 out of 15. I'm going to read you 15 statements. You tell me as quickly as you can if what I just said was true or false. If you get 10 or more correct, David, we're going to give you 50. You.

[B]

Cash.

[A]

Cash.

[B]

Ooh.

[A]

It'll be probably wire.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Does that change things for you?

[B]

I am not on moneygram anymore for personal reasons.

[A]

Okay. We'll find a way we can get it. We'll get it to you.

[B]

Okay, cool.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Chance got it right.

[A]

You ready? You ready?

[B]

I'm ready.

[A]

All right. Fortnite was released in 2017.

[B]

True.

[A]

True. AB negative is the rarest blood type.

[B]

True.

[A]

True. The Colorado Rockies have won two World Series championships. False. They've won none. Zero. Women first competed in the Olympics in 1964.

[B]

True.

[A]

False. 1900, William Henry Harrison was only president for 31 days.

[B]

True.

[A]

True. Radiohead is from Australia.

[B]

False.

[A]

False. England. Pikes Peak had a ski resort up until 1984.

[B]

False.

[A]

True. It takes sunlight 8 minutes and 20 seconds to travel from the sun to the earth.

[B]

False.

[A]

True. Wesley Snipes has played Blade in three movies.

[B]

True.

[A]

False.

[C]

Four.

[B]

Four. Fuck, I only got one more.

[A]

We have never found dinosaur fossils in Antarctica.

[B]

False.

[A]

False. We have Nintendo was founded in 1889.

[B]

True.

[A]

True. Lady Gaga owns a $50,000 ghost radar.

[B]

Use ghost radar in a sentence.

[A]

I need to see a ghost. Does anyone have my ghost radar?

[B]

True.

[A]

True. Caramel never expires.

[B]

True.

[A]

False. Stone cold Steve Austin was born in California.

[B]

True.

[A]

False. Texas. Alzer mammals.

[B]

True.

[A]

False. Birds. You blew it at the end, dude. That was the thing.

[B]

You know what?

[A]

You crumbled.

[B]

You know what happened is I lost the Pikes Peak, the Colorado thing, and then I just. I just. I just fell apart, man. I didn't keep my eye on the ball. You know what I mean? We train for these type of situations.

[A]

And these are the moments where we have to be great and you have to love it.

[B]

Yeah. And it's on me.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm gonna go home. I'm not gonna blame the coaching staff. I think they did a great job getting me prepared. And, you know, at the end of the day, I just love this team, man. I love these guys.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And it's a pleasure to play on the big stage.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Any regrets? Anything you do different or.

[B]

Probably those last four questions. That shit probably would have gone a little differently.

[C]

David, we love you, dude.

[A]

Thanks for coming on.

[B]

This is so fun.

[A]

Thanks for doing it. You're welcome here anytime.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Come back on mine.

[A]

I'm dying to.

[B]

The white one, not the black one.

[A]

Sean and I. Yeah, but. Come on, man.

[B]

Brother. We just can't. We didn't.

[A]

You guys have Will Ferrell on? He's, like, the whitest guy there is.

[B]

Yeah, he owns the network.

[A]

Well, come on, man. What? Tell me where they can find you. I'm pissed now. You can't have on white guys, but Will Ferrell gets to. Come on.

[B]

Will Ferrell.

[A]

He's fucking elf.

[B]

Caleb, you're amazing. It's Will Ferrell.

[A]

He's elf.

[B]

You gotta bend the knee to Will Ferrell.

[A]

The whitest thing you can be is Elf. And I don't get to. Come on.

[B]

I think that's true. I think that is true. I, like, you said it, and I wanted to p. I think that is.

[A]

Why, you see, you could be as Elf. Is.

[B]

Yeah, that movie. It was funny.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I think that black people probably fuck with Elf. Tough.

[A]

I would. I don't know, but I just think I should get to come on the show. I want you to at least talk to.

[B]

I'll talk to Langston.

[A]

Talk to Langston. Talk to the producers. I'm a big Langston fan as well.

[B]

Are you gonna do a show trade? Is that what this is.

[A]

You want Langston to come on here?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Links. You can come on here. I like Langston. He's more than welcome on the show. Langston, come on the show.

[B]

You heard it?

[C]

No.

[B]

Yeah. Cool guy jokes. 87 on Instagram.

[A]

Yes, sir.

[B]

Oh, I have a special that I self produced but then 800 pound gorilla licensed it. So September 29th it's going to be on YouTube. It's called Birth of a Nation with a G. It's very funny. I didn't get any press cuz I released it privately. Didn't know about that.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

But now go watch it.

[A]

Run it up.

[B]

I'd really like you. And my mama told me podcasts. All fantasy, everything.

[C]

Hell yeah. Yeah.

[A]

And really, really, really go watch David special. Please do. That fucking rocks. You're one of the funniest stand ups I know.

[B]

Thank you so.

[A]

I can't wait.

[B]

You kill, man.

[A]

Thanks, dude.

[C]

I love you.

[A]

Thanks for doing it.

[B]

That was a hit.

[A]

Gun podcast. What's up everybody?

[B]

I'm Kyle Mooney.

[A]

And what's up everybody? I'm back Bennett and man.

[B]

Oh, I got. We got something to tell you.

[A]

Oh yeah, we definitely do.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

It's a brand new podcast on Headgum.

[A]

That's right. And it's called what's our Podcast?

[B]

Yep. And that's because we don't have a single idea what our podcast should be about.

[A]

Yeah, we don't. So we actually have guests come on and they tell us what they think our podcast should be about and then we try it. Yep.

[B]

Guests like Mark Maron, Jack Black, Brittany Broski, Kate Berlan, Bobby Moynihan, Meg Stalter.

[A]

And Tim Bolt.

[B]

Landon Axler, Joanie McGree. And Dender.

[A]

And Dender. New episodes release every Wednesday, so subscribe to what's our podcast on YouTube or.

[B]

Any of your favorite podcast platforms. Yeah, I'm going to go do it right now.

[A]

I'm Tig Notaro. I'm Mae Martin. And I'm Fortune Feimster. And together we're Handsome.

[B]

What is handsome?

[A]

Well, it's a state of mind. It's how you feel.

[B]

It's whatever you want it to be. Handsome is also a podcast hosted by us three stand up comedians you may have seen on your tv.

[A]

We swap stories, share life updates, and occasionally laugh until we cry.

[B]

Every episode we answer a question from a celebrity friend. People like Sarah Silverman.

[A]

It's Stephen Colbert. It's Reese Witherspoon. My name is Mindy Kaling. Hello, handsome Podcast. It's Jen Aniston here you gorgeous devil, you.

[B]

So if you're looking for a positive, joyful show guaranteed to make you giggle, check out Handsome. Jump right in with whatever episode tickles your fancy. Or start from the very first episode.

[A]

Listen to Handsome on your favorite podcast.

[B]

App or watch full video episodes on YouTube.

[A]

New episodes every Tuesday and Friday. And don't forget, keep it Handsome.