Gianmarco Soresi Returns

Summary

Podcast Summary: So True with Caleb Hearon – "Gianmarco Soresi Returns"

Release Date: May 15, 2025
Host: Caleb Hearon
Guest: Gianmarco Soresi (John Marco)
Platform: Headgum

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1. Life on the Move: Embracing an Unmoored Existence

In this episode, Caleb Hearon welcomes back comedian Gianmarco Soresi, affectionately referred to as John Marco, for a candid discussion about their transient lifestyles. John Marco shares his experiences of frequently moving between cities, highlighting the challenges and impacts on his health and mental well-being.

[01:45] John Marco: "I don't live anywhere. I live an unmoored existence."

They delve into the difficulties of planning ahead while constantly being on the move, with John Marco expressing the inevitable strain it places on his psyche.

[02:01] John Marco: "If I plan so far ahead, it's already set. I can't cancel."

Caleb contrasts his own approach, contemplating a more spontaneous lifestyle yet acknowledging the financial necessities that keep him anchored.

2. Navigating Relationships and the Path to Parenthood

The conversation shifts to the complexities of relationships and the contemplation of marriage and children. Both hosts reflect on their upbringing and how their parents' behaviors influence their views on parenting.

[06:12] Caleb: "My dad is almost 98% rage."

[06:24] John Marco: "He hit with his words. Decibel punches."

John Marco opens up about his stepfather's emotionally abusive behavior, revealing the deep-seated fears it instills about his own potential as a parent. They discuss the anxieties surrounding temper management and the fear of perpetuating their parents' negative traits.

[09:03] John Marco: "At least yours isn't still around. I have to deal with it every day."

3. Work-Life Balance: The Struggle of Being Workaholics

Both Caleb and John Marco identify as workaholics, discussing how their dedication to their careers complicates the idea of having children. They explore the potential challenges of balancing intense work schedules with the responsibilities of parenthood.

[19:18] John Marco: "So it's tough. But we are both workaholics."

[19:27] Caleb: "That's a good life. For the kid."

They ponder whether their work-centric lives would allow them to be present and nurturing parents, contemplating the possibility of their children becoming extensions of their own work ethic.

4. The Commune Concept: Dreaming of a Shared Living Space

Caleb introduces an imaginative idea of forming a commune, envisioning a community where individuals maintain personal autonomy while sharing communal spaces for dining, entertainment, and socializing.

[13:26] Caleb: "Get a big pot of land, maybe 15, 20 acres... everyone gets their own individual dwelling."

John Marco expresses reservations about the potential pitfalls, particularly the risk of forming a cult-like hierarchy despite the initial intention of fostering community.

[15:04] John Marco: "I can't. I'm not susceptible to it."

5. Confronting Mortality and Hypochondria: A Deep Dive into Anxiety

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to exploring themes of mortality, death anxiety, and hypochondria. Both hosts share personal anecdotes about their struggles with the fear of death and obsessive health concerns.

[36:46] Caleb: "I just can't take it. I'm so scared that I will like it a lot and want to do it forever."

[42:21] John Marco: "I was scared of death, sure."

They discuss strategies for coping with these fears, such as accepting the inevitability of death and reframing their approach to health anxieties. The conversation delves into how these fears affect their daily lives and relationships.

[43:05] John Marco: "That's my religion."

6. Political Discourse: Reflections on Leadership and Public Trust

Caleb and John Marco critique the current political climate, focusing on the deterioration of public trust in leaders from both major parties. They express skepticism about the motivations of political figures and the impact of misinformation.

[33:00] John Marco: "Democrats, Republicans, alike... no one believes anything."

The discussion touches on the influence of wealthy individuals in politics and the challenges in maintaining accountability and integrity within leadership roles.

[54:27] John Marco: "They just got to meet him. The biggest solution is to have lunch with Elon Musk."

7. Comedy, Touring, and Personal Projects: The Life of a Comedian

Towards the end of the episode, Caleb and John Marco shift focus to their careers in comedy. They share stories from the road, dealing with hecklers, and the intricacies of managing a successful tour.

[68:57] John Marco: "I was thinking about the day I voted for Hillary Clinton in 2016... I fell for it again."

[72:00] John Marco: "I'm on tour. I'm going to be in Europe. I'm going to be all over America..."

They also touch on upcoming projects, including John Marco’s appearances on other podcasts and Caleb’s own show, highlighting their continuous engagement with their audiences.

8. Interactive Segment: True or False Challenge

In an engaging interactive segment, Caleb initiates a "True or False" game with John Marco, presenting various statements to test their knowledge and quick thinking. This segment adds a fun and dynamic element to the episode, showcasing their chemistry and camaraderie.

[69:10] Caleb: "The human skull is made of 29 different bones."
[69:15] John Marco: "True."

[70:25] John Marco: "True."

This playful exchange not only entertains listeners but also reinforces the rapport between the hosts.

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Conclusion:

"So True with Caleb Hearon" episode featuring Gianmarco Soresi offers a blend of humor, deep personal insights, and critical discourse on societal issues. Caleb and John Marco navigate through topics ranging from personal anxieties and relationships to political skepticism and the life of a touring comedian, all while maintaining an engaging and relatable conversational flow. Their honest and open dialogue provides listeners with both entertainment and thoughtful reflections on contemporary life.

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Notable Quotes:

• John Marco (01:45): "I don't live anywhere. I live an unmoored existence."
• Caleb (06:12): "My dad is almost 98% rage."
• John Marco (09:03): "At least yours isn't still around. I have to deal with it every day."
• Caleb (13:26): "Get a big pot of land, maybe 15, 20 acres... everyone gets their own individual dwelling."
• John Marco (36:46): "I just can't take it. I'm so scared that I will like it a lot and want to do it forever."
• John Marco (33:00): "Democrats, Republicans, alike... no one believes anything."
• Caleb (69:10): "The human skull is made of 29 different bones."
• John Marco (72:00): "I'm on tour. I'm going to be in Europe. I'm going to be all over America..."

These moments encapsulate the essence of the episode, highlighting the hosts' vulnerability, humor, and critical thinking.

Transcript

[Caleb]

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[John Marco]

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[Caleb]

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[John Marco]

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[Caleb]

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[John Marco]

Than the one that speaks.

[Caleb]

To discover what lies beyond the edge.

[John Marco]

Of your seat, start your free 30.

[Caleb]

Day trial at audible.com wonderyus that's audible.com.

[John Marco]

Wonderyus in college was my, like, big, like, thinking about death?

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

Constantly.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

And I think if I could go back, the only. The only advice I'd give to myself would be like, stop thinking about it. Like, truly.

[Caleb]

All that racist stuff you said, we're gonna cut that. Don't wor.

[John Marco]

Okay, But I meant it.

[Caleb]

Okay. You're in la, John Marco.

[John Marco]

Leaving tonight.

[Caleb]

What? Okay. What do you mean you're done with the lease?

[John Marco]

Yeah, we did like the. The winter. We did December to now.

[Caleb]

Whoa, you did December to now?

[John Marco]

Mm.

[Caleb]

I did not realize that it was that long.

[John Marco]

Yeah, but I'm out back and forth. I was in New York a little. I don't live anywhere. I live an unmoored existence.

[Caleb]

Don't you get tired of that?

[John Marco]

It's. It's having deep impacts on my health, my psyche.

[Caleb]

You gonna stop soon?

[John Marco]

No. Here's the thing. If I plan so far ahead, so, like, when I see the warning signs, I go, okay, eight months from now, we gotta make some changes. But it's already set. I can't cancel.

[Caleb]

That isn't man, how you been enjoying the touring life?

[John Marco]

You've been touring?

[Caleb]

I'm about to move to the woods.

[John Marco]

Yeah.

[Caleb]

I'm about to move to the woods and start making folk music.

[John Marco]

But you go back and forth, you go through these phases where you go, I'm gonna go away. And then you come back to the heart of all of it.

[Caleb]

Yeah. New York City. Is that what you mean?

[John Marco]

New York City or la? You go to your home in Kansas.

[Caleb]

Not often, but. Yeah.

[John Marco]

Yeah, yeah. But that's like. That's how you find your balance.

[Caleb]

You go like I do. Yeah, well, yeah, I think I need to have nothing. You know what my ideal life is? Nothing is ever on my calendar ever. Not a single thing. I wake up and I go, today, I think I'd like to do a show in Connecticut.

[John Marco]

What is that? I understand that that's like your Persona. I do.

[Caleb]

No be dead serious.

[John Marco]

How many podcast tables are you doing today?

[Caleb]

Today? Just two.

[John Marco]

Two?

[Caleb]

Yes.

[John Marco]

So you filled your cal, you fill your calendar, you could live this life.

[Caleb]

That you need about. I need money.

[John Marco]

This is my job in Kansas City. You could retire today and be the wealthiest person in Kansas City.

[Caleb]

You underestimate. There's a lot of billionaires in Kansas City.

[John Marco]

Are there really?

[Caleb]

There's at least a couple, sure. Yeah. Well, you know, it's funny, last time that like, Devin Walker and a bunch of my buddies, like comedian buddies, were in town for this charity thing, they were all hanging out at one of the billionaires houses. Cause he throws this big party.

[John Marco]

Sure.

[Caleb]

And they're like, dude, you gotta come. I was like, I have no, absolutely no desire to be in that house.

[John Marco]

Sure.

[Caleb]

I'm scared to be in a billionaire in kin city's house. It's just different. It's different to me. Cause, you know, a billionaire in New York or la, they have, of course, a gorgeous home in Kansas City. An estate is $900,000.

[John Marco]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Caleb]

Are you scared of rich people?

[John Marco]

I feel like I came from enough money that like, I see them for what they are, but I don't know. Billionaires, upper middle class people. Yeah, I understand them. Billionaires. Yeah. Stay away from them.

[Caleb]

I don't think I knew an upper middle class person until college.

[John Marco]

Oh yeah?

[Caleb]

Yeah. I don't think I knew one. Cuz like the. I guess maybe there were some people with a little bit of money in my town, but you never really know where I'm from. It's like based on how much acres they have, you go, how many acres you got out there?

[John Marco]

Sure. My dad had seven acres.

[Caleb]

See, that's not a lot where I'm from.

[John Marco]

Sure.

[Caleb]

Where you're from. It is.

[John Marco]

Why? Yeah. Potomac, Maryland.

[Caleb]

Yeah. That's a lot over there.

[John Marco]

Yeah.

[Caleb]

But in Missouri, seven acres, like, oh.

[John Marco]

I think I grew up in a way that I like, I know how miserable you can be, even with how you can isolate yourself. How you get a pool, you get your own pool. And that means you have no one to swim with. And when you drown, no one's there to save you. And like That's. That's. And that's what they're striving for. And I go, you are working against your own interests and you don't see it. Yeah, go to a community pool. It's more fun.

[Caleb]

Well, you lost me on community pool.

[John Marco]

You did. You're good at having parties, I guess, and friends over.

[Caleb]

I have friends to swim with.

[John Marco]

Yeah, but not everyone's.

[Caleb]

John Marco has friends to swim with.

[John Marco]

Not really.

[Caleb]

John Marco has friends to swim with.

[John Marco]

Tova's taught me how to, like, have friends over. I. I get nervous. I go, this is a burden to make them come here.

[Caleb]

No, it's nice. They like it. The friends, I guess. So when are you gonna marry that girl?

[John Marco]

I. Listen, I just had fucking. I had Robbie Hoffman on my podcast, and I almost didn't release it. That was. The whole episode was all about marriage, marriage, marriage, marriage.

[Caleb]

Well, okay, so you wanna talk about that? What about kids?

[John Marco]

Kids, too. We could talk about kids. People say to me, they go, oh, you're good with kids. And I go, that's nice. But I don't. I haven't been around them enough to, like. I need to be with people when they're with their kids. When they're having a bad day, I always see the good view of it. I go over for dinner, and in New York, a lot of my friends don't have kids. I need to witness it when it's a burden, when they need to leave the party early because of the kids. And I can really go, okay, am I ready for that?

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

What kind of temper do you think you'd have? Cause that's. When you have kids, you start to see your real flaws.

[Caleb]

Well, you start to see your dad. Yeah, my dad is within me.

[John Marco]

And what was your dad's anger like?

[Caleb]

My dad was almost 98% rage.

[John Marco]

Rage. So we're talking, like, yelling.

[Caleb]

Oh, my.

[John Marco]

Cursing.

[Caleb]

Yelling, cursing.

[John Marco]

My dad's a curser and a screamer and.

[Caleb]

Oh, screaming about every little thing. And my dad had a big power, powerful voice. And my dad was really smart. So you just. When he yelled at you, you were just. You just felt. So my dad was a yeller and a real angry guy.

[John Marco]

Now, how. Cuz for me, with me and my dad, he would yell, and then I'd yell louder, and then he'd yell like, primordial. Like something deep.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

And it was. I couldn't match. And I'd cry.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

And then we'd hug.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

And it was like. That was the journey.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

And. Yeah, I think that's what would happen if I was a parent. Dude, I think that's what I worry. I just. I. Loud. I'm loud. I don't think. He was never physical. He never hit, but I don't know. He hit on the inside.

[Caleb]

Yeah. He hit with his words. He did decibel. Decibel punches.

[John Marco]

Stepdad, My stepdad. He never did it to me, but with my sisters he would do. Present your hand. They present their hand.

[Caleb]

Pardon? What? Hold on. He said present your hand.

[John Marco]

Present your hand.

[Caleb]

Hannibal Lecter ass bitch. What are you talking about?

[John Marco]

Present your hand. And then he would. It wasn't like a slap. That really hurt. It really was about the shame. But he would do like a.

[Caleb]

Wait, is he still with your mom?

[John Marco]

No.

[Caleb]

You gotta get her out of there. This man, is he alive?

[John Marco]

Yeah.

[Caleb]

Oh, we gotta kill him. That is crazy. Present your hand. And then he taps it.

[John Marco]

Yeah.

[Caleb]

What a freak. You don't find that so freaky?

[John Marco]

There's worse things could be worse.

[Caleb]

I'm not saying there's not worse. There's totally worse. That's some freaky shit. That's crazy.

[John Marco]

Yeah.

[Caleb]

This guy, this guy is not right.

[John Marco]

I'm sure it's better than whatever his dad did.

[Caleb]

Well, that's the thing, isn't it?

[John Marco]

My mom once, like, she was mad at me, like way too late in life, like, tried to give me a spank, like a punishing spank. And we both burst into laughter. It was so pathetic.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

It was so meaningless.

[Caleb]

Yeah. I think I was maybe 17 when I put together the thing you said about it was probably better than what his dad did. My dad was. It was real bad for him. And I was like 17 when I figured that out. And then I had that really horrible moment of like, empathy for him. Yeah, I mean, where I was like, oh, God, now I feel bad for you.

[John Marco]

Yeah. Did you know your grandfather?

[Caleb]

No.

[John Marco]

No. Me neither.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

Died before I was born, I think.

[Caleb]

Yeah, mine definitely died, but I don't think he was in the picture regardless. Yeah, but having to have empathy for someone who gets on your nerves so bad is really like. Finding out your dad contains multitudes is so.

[John Marco]

It's brutal.

[Caleb]

Like, oh, God, now I'm like picturing you as a kid and I'm sad. I know it was easier to just hate you. It was easier when I was just mad at you. Now I'm like empathizing with you and.

[John Marco]

At least yours isn't still around. I gotta deal with it every fuckin day.

[Caleb]

Well, your dad will die.

[John Marco]

I see him In a week.

[Caleb]

Really?

[John Marco]

Yeah. I'm scared.

[Caleb]

You think he's gonna yell?

[John Marco]

No. That's what sad is. You hit an age where you're like, now I know he couldn't yell louder than me.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

Or he'd die.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

So there's like, it's just a feeling of now I just have to hold it back.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

I have to continue to let him, you know, win.

[Caleb]

Really.

[John Marco]

I don't know. His anger has really. It's as. He's 72 now.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

So his anger is really.

[Caleb]

Damn, he's old.

[John Marco]

I. You know. Yeah.

[Caleb]

Geez.

[John Marco]

I'm 36, you know, he didn't have me that late. Had me at 35.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

So it makes sense.

[Caleb]

Well, where I'm from, everyone has kids at like 19, so it starts to feel a little different.

[John Marco]

Yeah.

[Caleb]

It's like a 20 year difference. My mom's 51.

[John Marco]

That's good.

[Caleb]

It's young.

[John Marco]

That is young.

[Caleb]

But that's your dad. Your dad could be my mom's dad.

[John Marco]

Sure. My dad could be your mom's dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In Kansas. Sure. In some universe.

[Caleb]

In some. Well.

[John Marco]

And that would make you my.

[Caleb]

Hold on.

[John Marco]

It would your dad. It would make you my half brother. No, no, no. God, no. My mom would be your mom's dad.

[Caleb]

So I would be your nephew.

[John Marco]

You'd be my nephew?

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

Oh, my God.

[Caleb]

That'd be a fun dynamic.

[John Marco]

I'd have to take you for a walk. You'd be like, left is right.

[Caleb]

I'd be like, we'd be like that music duo lmfao.

[John Marco]

Lmfao? Yeah. We'd also go into music in this full scenario.

[Caleb]

We'd be like that music duo lmfao. Me and you. Well, wait, what were we talking about? Oh, dads. I don't want to talk about that anymore. What else is going on with you?

[John Marco]

Sure, sure. I'd be talking about dads all day.

[Caleb]

You think you'd be. I know parent stuff is.

[John Marco]

You're talking about me being dad. I mean, we're talking about. You really think you. You think you're going to have kids?

[Caleb]

Well, I thought for a long time and now I'm like on the fence about it. I guess it depends on what happens in my love life. If my love life goes a certain way, maybe if I settle down with a guy who really wants kids, I do it.

[John Marco]

Do it alone.

[Caleb]

Kids alone.

[John Marco]

Yeah.

[Caleb]

That would be hilarious.

[John Marco]

It would be.

[Caleb]

But I don't think.

[John Marco]

Good, not necessarily bad. Who's doing a great job of parenting. Yeah, very few.

[Caleb]

Sabrina Jalees and her wife Shawna.

[John Marco]

1.

[Caleb]

Who else is doing a good job parenting? The Cosby's in the show.

[John Marco]

In the show? Yeah, sure.

[Caleb]

Yeah. In the show. The Connors.

[John Marco]

I was thinking about, you know that Cosby guy that works at Trader Joe's. Yeah. And they always, they always like, they like do articles about him and like, oh, he used to do this. And I works at Trader Joe's. I think about being the person who has to work next to him.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

And every day someone comes in with a camera crew to show how far his life has fallen. And you're like, oh, I was excited to get this job.

[Caleb]

Yeah, this is a good job.

[John Marco]

It's a great job.

[Caleb]

Trader Joe's scares the hell out of me. I don't like going in there.

[John Marco]

They want to have some of the conversations that I just don't know where they'll be like, oh, this bar, this is pretty good. You try the blueberry.

[Caleb]

The food is 3D printed. The people in there. I don't like the Hawaiian motif. The friendliness feels forced and I like friendliness. But to me, Trader Joe's a very dark space.

[John Marco]

All the trade shows is just. I've lost the ability. Like, all the meals are pre prepared and whatever. So now when I go to a regular grocery store, I'm overwhelmed.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

It's like, it's like I went to a furniture store and it was just two by fours and I'm like, how do they go together?

[Caleb]

I'm going to put this together. What, at my house? This makes no sense to me. Someone should do this for me. Yeah. I don't like. I don't like that everything. I don't like that everything in Trader Joe's is fake food. There's no real, like, it doesn't make any sense. You have to go to another grocery store to get the shit you actually eat. It's like, it's like novelty. It doesn't make any sense to me and it scares me. I'm actually getting upset talking about it.

[John Marco]

Sure.

[Caleb]

Trader Joe's.

[John Marco]

No dads. No.

[Caleb]

Trader Joe's Parking lots. No, I want to talk about it. The parking lots are horrible. The uniforms don't make sense.

[John Marco]

The what are the uniforms?

[Caleb]

They're like Hawaiian shirts.

[John Marco]

Oh, yeah.

[Caleb]

Ick.

[John Marco]

Yeah. It feels like it should be good. In theory. It's kind of like a commune. Like, there's a feeling of like, community. But you're not. I'm like, I don't want to be.

[Caleb]

Part of this now. We're talking commune. You in?

[John Marco]

I've always thought I would want to be like an artist. I always have my fantasies, like, because I didn't grow up with neighbors or family or community. It's like we all live in a big complex and we all have our own spaces. Yeah, but the kitchen area, it's very communal. Well, you know, that is kind of my fantasy.

[Caleb]

Well, I'll tell you about my commune idea.

[John Marco]

Yeah, tell me.

[Caleb]

Okay. Get a big pot of land, maybe 15, 20 acres.

[John Marco]

Okay.

[Caleb]

Outside of a city that we all love, maybe Kansas City or whatever works. But you get a big pot of land, and then everyone gets their own individual dwelling. Of course, you get your own house. You get your own golf cart or gator. I'm going gator. You get your own little vehicle to drive around the property. And then everyone just get your own stuff. It's not shared wealth kind of thing. But then we all go in on a communal building, like a Morton building. And that's where there's like a big dining table, a big, like huge mini. Mini couches, screening area to watch movies and stuff together. Yeah. There's like board games. There's everything. Communal building for everyone to hang out when you want to and then when you don't. Back to your house.

[John Marco]

Sure.

[Caleb]

Tell me that's not perfect.

[John Marco]

Do you have the means?

[Caleb]

Maybe we have some shared set of values.

[John Marco]

Would you let the power go to your head? Would you end up being like. Cause you could be a cult leader.

[Caleb]

Totally.

[John Marco]

You have the DNA. You could. You have the confidence, the ability to speak.

[Caleb]

Would you join?

[John Marco]

No, not at all. I'd visit, I'd stop by, I'd say, oh, what a nice cult.

[Caleb]

That's how it starts. That's how it starts.

[John Marco]

No, I could never. I've had what I've had. I've had enough Teachers who were cult like growing up, I had a voice teacher who I admired. I thought she had all the answers. And I was spurned.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

And so I feel like I got it out of my system. I no longer could believe that someone has the answers.

[Caleb]

I don't need you to believe that I have all the answers, John. Marco, I would never espouse to. Maybe we all have the answers together at my commune.

[John Marco]

I can't. I'm not susceptible to it.

[Caleb]

I don't desire a cult. Do I think if I ended up in a cult situation on accident that I would take advantage of it and let it go to my head? No.

[John Marco]

Yeah.

[Caleb]

No, I think I'd be. I think if anything, I'D be uncomfortable with it, I think, once I realized. Cause I think what would happen is I would be trying to do commune normal style. Everyone has autonomy. Everyone has autonomy. No one's getting any weird culty vibes. And then the day that I figured out, like, oh, no, everyone's looking to me as dear leader, I think that day I would go, oh, what have I done? Sure, now we're in it.

[John Marco]

Yeah.

[Caleb]

You know, but the power you'd feel, I guess. But power just. I think power is just a lot of responsibility. Don't you just kind of want to be left alone?

[John Marco]

Sometimes. But then sometimes you want everyone to look at you while you speak on an elevated stage.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

Amplified.

[Caleb]

You do that every once in a while because you have to. But yeah, I don't think. But that's the thing, though. The stage is such a specific thing. You don't want it at dinner.

[John Marco]

Sure. That would feel stressful.

[Caleb]

You don't want it in your house. It's like at work. Sure. People. Everyone looks at you. Everyone claps. They have to clap or else it's bad. They have to laugh really loud or else you fail. That's. That's fun work.

[John Marco]

I'm sure that's why most cults end with them trying to get everyone to kill themselves. They're like, I don't want this anymore. Yeah, too much stress. Aliens are coming. We got to kill ourselves.

[Caleb]

Do you think you'd be a good cult leader?

[John Marco]

No, I'm far too insecure. I have flashes of, you know, oh, I got it. And then moments where I would turn to them and be like, do you think this is what God wants?

[Caleb]

Do you guys like my interpretation of God?

[John Marco]

Do you think we should poison ourselves? And that's when it would all crumble. I don't have that. Like, yeah, if I had a partner, I think, like, you see the master.

[Caleb]

Yeah. Yeah.

[John Marco]

I think, like the partnership that L. Ron Hubbard had with his partner. I think Tova and I kind of have that dynamic.

[Caleb]

You and Tova definitely have a partners and a cult leader dynamic.

[John Marco]

Yeah. We could be a cult together. We could be in a cult thing, and I'd be the cult leader, but it would be her.

[Caleb]

Sometimes I shudder thinking about your guys. Private conversations. Sometimes I just think, cause Tova, I can't get her. I called her the other day for those. The uninitiated. Tova is my manager in show business and also Gianmarco's girlfriend, in that order.

[John Marco]

And.

[Caleb]

And I called Tova the other day about a problem. Not an urgent one. Just like something I needed sorted. She answers me, loudest place I've ever heard. I go, where are you? She goes, I'm at a bachelorette party, but I can talk. What's up? I go, hang up the phone. I'm gonna call someone else. There's other people that work on this stuff. She goes, no, no, no, I can talk. What's up? I go, goodbye. This is a person who will just. I think about that level of commitment to work and then your level of commitment to work and how much you guys love talking about comedy. And I just think about your pillow talk sometimes and I go, man, it might scare me.

[John Marco]

Well, yeah, we were talking about you calling her while she was at the bachelorette party last night. And just, you know, it was. I'm not gonna share it on here. It's personal, but I hope you got it sorted out. Sounds like it was pretty urgent.

[Caleb]

Yeah. How was I supposed to know she was at a bachelorette party? I hung up as soon as I could. John. Marco.

[John Marco]

No, no, that's fine. Yeah, I think it was one of, like, the earliest. Before we were dating, it was still during, like, Covid, and we were. We were stoned and we were just chilling and someone called her and she went in the other room and, like, snapped into it.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

And spoke eloquently. And I was like. I was so high. I was like, how are you doing that? Yeah, but she could do it.

[Caleb]

She can. Yeah, she's good.

[John Marco]

She's very good.

[Caleb]

But you two together, it's power couple vibes. It could get very scary very quick. Do you guys ever have to impose a no work talk rule?

[John Marco]

It's evolved. It's evolved in terms of, like. It was more like me. Like, I've learned to have to be better about if I have a bad set or if I'm stuck on a joke. Not to bring it up.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

But we struggle with it. We struggle with just, like, Sundays in the morning, we go on our phones so quickly. And I. Especially in la, because we're three hours behind New York. So it's like, it's happened. Shoots on the phone, it's going.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

In New York, you at least have a couple hours before things really get moving.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

So it's tough. But we are both workaholics.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

So that's another thing with kids. It's like, can you have kids when you're both addicted to work? I'd want that kid to be opening for me. I'd be.

[Caleb]

That's a good life. For the kid.

[John Marco]

Sure. I think Nate Bargazzi, all his specials now opens with his daughter, like, introducing him onto the stage.

[Caleb]

Tour bus, baby.

[John Marco]

I would do pranks with the baby. I really like pranks.

[Caleb]

What.

[John Marco]

Whenever there's a TikTok of, like. What's one that we looked at recently? There was one where, like, the mother put the hand in the teddy bear. So the little girl's sitting there, and then the bear, like, looks at her and she goes.

[Caleb]

And then, you know, mother's moving the teddy bear.

[John Marco]

Yeah. But secretly. And so the kids thinks that teddy bears come to life.

[Caleb]

You convince the kid the teddy bears alive.

[John Marco]

Oh, it's amazing. And I laugh so hard. There's. There's a recent one where I love these little prank videos where you tell the waiter to come over and, like, while you're in the middle of the meal, they just take your plate away.

[Caleb]

That's kind of fun. I like that one.

[John Marco]

And these little pranks that are innocent. It's really. It's a joy. Or. You see the one recently. It's someone. It's like a barber. And as they're cutting the guy's beard, he's wearing a glove. He just, like, puts it in their mouth, and they're like. As they shaves or while they're shaving, he goes. And it's so funny.

[Caleb]

That would turn me on.

[John Marco]

Yeah. Well, I think that's. That it does.

[Caleb]

If someone do that to my lips while they're. I'd be like, stop.

[John Marco]

Yeah.

[Caleb]

I've had a sexy barber before. It was tough for me. I. I'm so interested in what caused you to go contemplative on that.

[John Marco]

So, okay, so I had this barber once in New York, and he was like. And I was young. I was in high school, and he was hyper, flirtatious.

[Caleb]

Whoa.

[John Marco]

Just like. He was just like. If you had hair on your shoulder, he'd go over to your ear and go. And it was inappropriate.

[Caleb]

You were in high school, probably. And this person is an adult, I assume. Yikes.

[John Marco]

But here's what it was. It was like. It was definitely inappropriate, but there was something about it that was, like, interesting to me.

[Caleb]

Yeah, sure.

[John Marco]

And I remember I went back to New York the next summer, and I saw him again. Like, I went back into the lion's den. Yeah. And I remember then it crossed a line. It crossed the line of, like, there was a couple. He blew me a little too much.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

And I said. And it was. It was just this thing where, like, I was like. It was intriguing. I don't mind it. It's like, you know when the yoga teacher says, raise your hand if you don't want be touched for an adjustment. And I'm like, who's raising their hand?

[Caleb]

Yeah, please touch away. Touch me, touch me, touch me. Anybody who wants to touch me, go ahead and touch.

[John Marco]

But then. But then it was too far. I may have seen him three times, actually, and then the third was too far, but there was some fifth time.

[Caleb]

I remember I was like, this is not. I can't keep me and him start hooking up. And then I'm like, this has got to end.

[John Marco]

But there was. Yeah, I just remember that haircut.

[Caleb]

I think I would too. It sounds like he was really inappropriate and you were like a kid kind of.

[John Marco]

No, but I like some studies. You get a haircut and they do a hand massage for some reason, like at Aveda, or they do a little shoulder massage. And I like to be touched.

[Caleb]

Do you like a massage?

[John Marco]

Oh, I love a massage.

[Caleb]

See, I actually, for all the joking about touch, I don't like a massage.

[John Marco]

Really?

[Caleb]

I've tried, dude, I've tried everything. I've gone to nice places. It's not ticklish. I find unsettled.

[John Marco]

If you knew them, do you think it would be. Could I give you a massage?

[Caleb]

I've gotten. We could try. I've gotten massages from people I know, and it was the same deal.

[John Marco]

What do you like about it? Do you feel physically uncomfortable? Are you turned on?

[Caleb]

It doesn't. No. I'm happy to be turned on. Being turned on is wonderful. I like when that happens almost anytime.

[John Marco]

The.

[Caleb]

What it is, is it's supposed to relax you. You're supposed to feel better afterwards. And I feel so. I don't know what it is. I don't feel better. My body doesn't feel better. I feel more tense after every massage.

[John Marco]

That's so interesting.

[Caleb]

Or I feel ill. I feel like. I feel like. I'm not kidding. I got a massage once, me and Zoe Lister Jones, we were in. We were going to, like, Europe to, like, travel around for a little bit, and we landed in London. And she goes, hey, when I land in London, I like to. Or when I land sometimes I like to go straight to a spa and get a massage. Do you want to do that while we wait for Lovely? Maybe a train or something? And so she goes, I'm going to call in the car and we'll go straight there. And I was like, oh, my God, this is so chic and fun and cool idea. So we go straight to this really nice spa place off of like a, you know, whatever, a 12 hour flight or something. Yeah, to London. So we get there and the woman massages me. And Zoe comes out. I'm telling you, I've never seen someone look so refreshed. She looks like she just slept for 100 years. Looks beautiful, peaceful. I come out haggard. Haggard. My whole body aching. I've gotten sick during the massage. Now I feel like my head hurts. I'm feeling like I think I've died.

[John Marco]

What I'm just imagining on the table, like, tensed up.

[Caleb]

I'm not tense. I'm loose on there. I'm loose on there.

[John Marco]

It doesn't make.

[Caleb]

I know. It doesn't make any sense. It defies logic. I'm loose on there. I let them touch me wherever they want. They go more or less. I go, whatever you want. They go more. They go less. I try some more. I try some less. They go harder. They do everything. They touch and touch and touch.

[John Marco]

When they ask me that with like, how hard, I'm like, kill me, kill me. Yeah, go as hard you want.

[Caleb]

Really hard.

[John Marco]

Oh, make me. I want to feel sick. Yeah, make me feel.

[Caleb]

Oh, well. Yeah.

[John Marco]

Part of me is like. Part of me is like. Part of me is like, you know, you need to keep. You need to keep trying.

[Caleb]

I know, and I do. I've tried so many times. And, you know, my sister is an esthetician and she runs spas, and she runs. She's had. Had a spa in Illinois that she was running for years. And she was like, you got to come. You got to come to the spa. I never made it up there, but now she's about to run a new one in Kansas City, so it seems like. I'll go.

[John Marco]

You got to go.

[Caleb]

I'm. I want to go because I want to support her. I'm very excited for her. But the massage stuff, I'm like, can we do something else maybe? Can I lay in mud or something?

[John Marco]

Yeah.

[Caleb]

Is there a mud thing? Because I know people do mud at those sometimes.

[John Marco]

Sure.

[Caleb]

Maybe you put cucumbers on my house.

[John Marco]

Mud stuff. You always do this and you go, what was this? This was bullshit.

[Caleb]

Yeah. Or mineral. Mineral bath.

[John Marco]

Mineral bath.

[Caleb]

You can put cucumbers on my eyes or something like that.

[John Marco]

Sure.

[Caleb]

But you cannot massage me. Or you can, but I'm not gonna enjoy it, I don't think. Because I've tried.

[John Marco]

I'm so sorry.

[Caleb]

I know. You know, I saw a prank once, too. I didn't mean to. Get off of Pranks. I saw a prank the other day.

[John Marco]

Yeah.

[Caleb]

On my phone. Baby. Baby playing with her mom. And maybe she reached for food or something. And the mom goes. Mom goes, I bet you want that, don't you, fat ass to the baby. And then the joke was like that the baby looked all sad. And I was like, I don't think you should do that to the baby.

[John Marco]

Wait, what's the prank like? You could tell that a prank that's just abuse.

[Caleb]

But the baby is so little. It's not supposed to know what fat ass means. But I'm like, no, I can tell by the way you're talking to it. I was so shocked.

[John Marco]

Yeah.

[Caleb]

People were in the comments, like, lmao, me when I'm trying to get that last place. Pizza. Pizza. So I was like, lost the plot. Baby was fat, though.

[John Marco]

There's one where you have three plates and you. You. They're covered.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

And the mom, the. The baby and. And the dad. Traditional household, just the way it used to be. And basically it's revealed the mom has a cookie, the dad has no cookie, and the baby has two cookies. And you see if the kid. It's usually like two or three. Like, is he gonna give a cookie to the dad or. No, you don't have any cookies. That's too bad.

[Caleb]

At a certain point, these are the Stanford Prison experiment. Like, at a certain point, we get into a level of, like, psychological warfare and understanding that is almost unbelievable.

[John Marco]

It feels indicative of who you're gonna be, though. If you had a kid and they said, sorry, you don't have any cookies, then I have two.

[Caleb]

My kid's a winner.

[John Marco]

Maybe.

[Caleb]

I said, that's a CEO.

[John Marco]

Sure.

[Caleb]

That's someone who's gonna take care of me in my old age. They're gonna look out for them, and then they'll look out for the rest of us. You have to get your two cookies to build a life where you can provide cookies for others. You give all your cookies away right at once.

[John Marco]

Yeah. That's an optimistic look. Or it's a serial killer. It's a thief.

[Caleb]

No, obviously it's concerning. If the kid doesn't give a cookie, I would want.

[John Marco]

Yeah. And then what do you do? What do you do? You try to teach them ethics. And some kids do, some kids don't. It's like the marshmallow experiment. I always like that one.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

You know that one?

[Caleb]

No.

[John Marco]

You leave a kid with a marshmallow and you say, hey, don't eat this marshmallow. I'm gonna come Back with, if you don't eat it, I'm gonna come back, I'll give you another marshmallow. So you have two.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

And then they leave. And like some kids, they wait two seconds and they just snap and they can't wait. And it's about like, do you have the patience? Can you reward yourself more later?

[Caleb]

That doesn't feel like it's morality though, right? You don't think there's morality?

[John Marco]

Do you have the ability to like, think more about the future? Yeah, I mean, maybe it's more. Maybe the kid with the one marshmallow is happier.

[Caleb]

Well, that's the question. Do you eat the marshmallow or wait for two? Because in the waiting they could have been lying to you or you could never get the two. Who knows what might happen? Sure, you might wait so long you don't even want marshmallows anymore. But if you really want one marshmallow and there's one in front of you, there's something to be said.

[John Marco]

It's an imperfect experiment. All those experiments, the psychological experiments.

[Caleb]

Experiments, yeah. TikTok content. Yeah.

[John Marco]

Well, they used to. I mean, probably TikTok content now, but they used to be. There was. There's something that's happened recently in psychology. What I'm told is that they tried to recreate a lot of the classic psychology experiments and only like one third of them held up. So many of, like just so many of these old kind of early psychological experiments, they weren't that accurate. They weren't. They didn't test enough. So a lot of our like base knowledge, our Malcolm Gladwell type stuff, it's all bullshit.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

But we all still think it's kind of true. The same way we go, oh, red wine's better for you. And it's like, it's not. Yeah, that was a study that was popular once.

[Caleb]

It's not.

[John Marco]

And now. And I still, even if I'm out, even though I know it, I'm like, I'll have the red wine. I'm going healthy tonight.

[Caleb]

Really? I didn't know that it was supposed.

[John Marco]

To be better for you. 60 Minutes did a big thing on it and it was a faulty study.

[Caleb]

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[John Marco]

Even the truth. My sister, I guess she went to some dentist where like you know, they're like, you gotta get this electronic toothbrush, this one. It's cause they get a kickback from that particular company.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

And she goes to someone else and they're like, you cannot use that electronic toothbrush. And they're both getting kickbacks. And you understand why she as a consumer goes fuck doctors.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

Eventually that's where it gets to.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

I hate my doctor.

[Caleb]

What? You're, you're.

[John Marco]

I asked him, I said I needed sleep, I wanted sleep medication.

[Caleb]

No, no. He's in with Big Awake and he's in the pocket of Big Awake and.

[John Marco]

And I asked for Xanax. I was going to Australia.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

And I wanted just to sleep on the flight and I had an Ambien prescription. But he said, he said before we talk medication this is words. He said, have you tried giving your brain permission to fall asleep?

[Caleb]

Have you?

[John Marco]

Well, it was pathetic. I tried it. That night I was in bed, I was like, it's okay.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

Did not work.

[Caleb]

Really?

[John Marco]

No.

[Caleb]

I wanted it to work.

[John Marco]

No.

[Caleb]

Because that would have been so cool if you like this quack. And then it worked immediately.

[John Marco]

Nothing works except for hard drugs.

[Caleb]

Really? For you to sleep.

[John Marco]

Oh, yeah.

[Caleb]

You think slurping on those might be part of it?

[John Marco]

Maybe. But no.

[Caleb]

No.

[John Marco]

It's general anxiety. It'll happen any moment.

[Caleb]

I gotta say, I'm not even a doctor, and if a guy like you walked into my office and said, I need Xanax, I'd say, right away, sir.

[John Marco]

Yeah.

[Caleb]

Yeah. Cause you. You move with a kinetic energy that suggests a need for Xanax. I say, if this guy tells me he needs Xanax, I believe just by his gait.

[John Marco]

Yeah.

[Caleb]

Just by the way he strolled in here. And it's not a bad thing. It's just you operate at a. Even seeing you on stage, I'm like, I'd dose that guy.

[John Marco]

Sure.

[Caleb]

I'd give you some time off. Why?

[John Marco]

I got it eventually.

[Caleb]

You got the Xanax?

[John Marco]

Not for me, but I basically, I got a referral to a psychologist. Is that the one who gives prescriptions?

[Caleb]

Oh, I believe it. Psychiatrist.

[John Marco]

Psychiatrist. And this is where you go, oh, you are. I'm paying you an absurd amount for this appointment, and you will give me whatever I ask for.

[Caleb]

That's the deal. Yeah.

[John Marco]

And to really witness it, I asked because it was for Adderall. I was getting Adderall, and I was getting the full sleep.

[Caleb]

Jesus Christ.

[John Marco]

And I asked, I said, hey, after taking Adderall, is it okay to smoke pot? Like, just in case? And she said, we're on Zoom. She said, let me Google it real quick.

[Caleb]

And I was like, google it, Not Google it.

[John Marco]

She Googled it in front of me and read whatever the AI synopsis was. And it is safe, according to Reddit, but it's. You just go. You see how people eventually go, all of this is broken.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

I don't trust it anymore.

[Caleb]

I'm scared of all pills. I don't do pill. I don't take anything. I. You know, I have horrible dentist anxiety because I've had some bad dental experiences. Had a doctor, I had a dentist who couldn't figure out how to get me numb and operated on me anyway. And ever since then, which is, of course, like, literally something they do in movie for torture.

[John Marco]

How old were you?

[Caleb]

This is a couple of years ago. This is, like, five years ago.

[John Marco]

My God. You didn't. You didn't.

[Caleb]

I did. And he was like. He was like, yeah, we've. He was like, we've given you 14 shots, and we can't get it numb, but the work needs to get done. So he just did it anyway. It was horrible. And so I have really bad dentist anxiety now. And then I found a really great dentist that I love who, like, can get me numb, et cetera. And he gave me. But when I come in, I'm shaking, sweating, like, on the. Like, my whole body is really. And I have a high tolerance for pain, genuinely. But I truly. When I go to the dentist, I'm, like, shaking, and. Because it's like, my body remembers.

[John Marco]

Yeah.

[Caleb]

And he gave me a prescription for Klonopin for when I come in, and I just can't take it. I'm so. I'm. I just. Am I.

[John Marco]

Were you scared? It's gonna.

[Caleb]

I just don't. Pills freak me out. When I got knee surgery, I didn't take the pain pills they gave me. I just took Advil.

[John Marco]

Lean in. Try it.

[Caleb]

I'm scared to try. That's the thing.

[John Marco]

Were you scared you're gonna. Something you'll have a bad reaction to the pill itself?

[Caleb]

I don't like not feeling in control, and I am scared that I will like it a lot and want to do it forever.

[John Marco]

I get that fear, but do you have an addictive personality?

[Caleb]

Yes.

[John Marco]

Sure.

[Caleb]

Yeah. Anything I like, needs to be happening pretty much all the time.

[John Marco]

Yeah.

[Caleb]

Yeah, I get that. I didn't smoke. I didn't smoke weed until I was, like, 27 because I was scared that I would. And actually, I've been pretty good with weed. I have a pretty good relationship with it, but I was scared that I would just have to start doing it for every single thing. Like, to wake up, to go to sleep, to eat.

[John Marco]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't. I've never been nervous because I just don't have that. It's always like. I started taking this Adderall, and it was so strong. Like, I mean, I really felt. I felt like. This is. This is crazy. I got this at cvs.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

I should have gotten this behind cvs, you know? Like, it was. I was tearing up. I felt like I wanted to cry, but, like, in a happy way.

[Caleb]

Adderall did this.

[John Marco]

Oh, my God.

[Caleb]

Oh, see, now I'm interested.

[John Marco]

And I think I needed to do the slow release because I basically stopped taking it because it just felt like on Tuesday. Am I ready to get high as fuck?

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

And I was supposed to. I got this to help. Like, it worked ton on Adderall. Oh, yeah.

[Caleb]

I didn't know it could make you happy. I thought it made you study.

[John Marco]

That's what I thought. I mean, it just made me. It made me really hopeful and like, what? It didn't focus me at all, to be honest.

[Caleb]

It's a hope pill.

[John Marco]

It more just made me go like I got it all. Oh my God. There's so much in front of me to get done and it's gonna be great and I can do it.

[Caleb]

No one's ever made me want to take Adderall until this moment. And now I'm like, I might need one today.

[John Marco]

I got em with me.

[Caleb]

What are they? What are they? What do they do? Their speed. What are they?

[John Marco]

It's speed. Oh, it's 100% speed. It's what I thought cocaine would be. I only did cocaine twice. Yeah, didn't like it. My heart beat just too fast. That's all I felt and I couldn't get it up.

[Caleb]

Anything that's too good to be true, though. You tell me. Adderall makes you feel hopeful and I love feeling hopeful, so I'm interested. But I'm like, what's the side effect? What's the crash? What cancer is it giving me? What neuron is it firing too hard that eventually it won't hit anymore and then I won't be able to get it again?

[John Marco]

Toma says to me, though, whenever I go, she's like, I'm like, I'm worried this is gonna give me cancer. I have cancer. She goes, we're all gonna get cancer eventually. There's stuff in everything, we're getting cancer. Like, that's her version of hope.

[Caleb]

That's how I got out of it. Yeah.

[John Marco]

Oh, yeah.

[Caleb]

I was a really bad hypochondriac. And then I just started telling myself, everything is killing you. Move on. You have everything. Yes. You're gonna get. You're gonna. My big thing was blood clots. I was like, you're gonna get blood clots. It's just gonna happen.

[John Marco]

I called my dad and he's like, he's. He's 72. He's always getting tests for something and it's impossible to splice the hypochondria versus the reasonable concerns of a 72 year old.

[Caleb]

When you get old.

[John Marco]

Yeah, I call and I go, oh, you had a test last week that you were stressed about. How'd it go? And he Goes, well, I have cancer. And I go, fuck. Okay, so what's the next steps? He goes, well, I have another test this week that will determine if I have cancer. And I go. I go, I don't know what to do with any information anymore. Until you're. Until you're dead.

[Caleb]

Yeah. Until that point when I see you on the slab and I have death certificate in hand. That's the next time I'll trust your diagnoses.

[John Marco]

Yeah. If he's about to take his final breath, he'll be like, I meant final breath. One day, I will take it.

[Caleb]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[John Marco]

And it's coming up.

[Caleb]

Yeah. Mom's. I don't know if your mom's like this, but my mom is the opposite. My mom will call me and I'll be like, hey, how's it going? She's like, oh, good. Went to work. I had a nice salad today. I got that tumor removed. And then I go, part. What. What tumor? She goes, oh, I've had cancer for a couple months, but, yeah, I didn't want to bother you, but they took it out and they think it's fine. But I'm going to go hang out with your Aunt Gina tonight. Just, like, we'll drop it in nowhere. Some crazy, harrowing medical thing she went through. Didn't want to bother you. I'd like to know. Thank you.

[John Marco]

No, that sounds like heaven to me. Sounds like heaven to me.

[Caleb]

That's scary. That's scary behavior.

[John Marco]

I know every. Every medical appointment of my dad's, it's. It's a nightmare. But. Yeah, I don't know. I'm sure it's stressful. My dad's always been a hypochondriac, and it's just. He never dealt with it. And now we. His kids, have to just, like, kind of hear about it and don't know what to take seriously or not.

[Caleb]

Yeah. Hypochondria. Yeah. Got myself out of it by telling myself it's gonna happen. Kind of similar thing with.

[John Marco]

What would you. What would you fixate on? Like. Like, I had. I certainly. When I was, like, single, std, hypochondria, like, that was where it would always be. It'd be like, oh, there's. There's. Is that. Is that a bump?

[Caleb]

I never worried about STDs, because I just. As a gay guy, you know, protection was from the very beginning, like, a very serious thing, but.

[John Marco]

Me, too.

[Caleb]

But you too, but you weren't.

[John Marco]

Anyway, I've always been, frankly shocked at the people, the number of people not using protection. They. I was like, oh, I thought we all were.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

I thought we all were doing this.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

And I hear my friend. I hooked up with someone last night. I was like, do you have a condom?

[Caleb]

Nah.

[John Marco]

And I'm like, are you crazy?

[Caleb]

That was me in college when my friends were like, oh, yeah, we. I hooked up with this person last night. And we, you know, we did with that one. I was like, whoa, I can't believe you're so casually telling me that. That feels insane to me.

[John Marco]

Yeah.

[Caleb]

If it's like. Especially a stranger. If it's, like, someone you're in a relationship with, it's this, that, or the other. But a stranger is nuts to me. But my hypochondria always. It always centered around things I certainly almost couldn't know, like blood clots or cancer.

[John Marco]

Sure.

[Caleb]

And the real thing of it was like, oh, if I went to the doctor right now and got every single test run and they found it, they could save my life. But if I don't, it'll get too far gone. And I'm just. It was always that thing of, like, early. Early detection and being like, if you just check all the time, nothing can get past it. And it's like, right. But that's not feasible. And also, there's something deeper going on. And what deeper was the.

[John Marco]

I was scared of death, sure.

[Caleb]

But the fear of death was causing all my problems when I was younger. It was causing my depression, my randomly. My ideation. Kind of like, oh, you're not gonna get me. I'll get me first. And then my hypochondria. And then once you just go, oh, you're gonna die someday. Don't worry, it'll happen. Then it kind of.

[John Marco]

When was this? Cause in college was my big. Thinking about death constantly. And I think if I could go back, the only advice I'd give to myself would be like, stop thinking about it. Like, truly, that's all I've come up with. There are moments, especially when I used to get high, it would happen. And now, truly, if it's. If I feel my mind going there, I'm like.

[Caleb]

Yeah, same.

[John Marco]

And that's. That's. That's it.

[Caleb]

I have one.

[John Marco]

That's my religion.

[Caleb]

Maybe every seven. Same. Every seven months, I will get struck with a random moment of, like, thinking about my mortality in a genuine way. And I literally just go, ha. I just move on. Because I'm like, there's no point. But I do think. I wouldn't take it back because I do think if I could just force the knowledge of mortality on a lot of these psychopaths who are running around in our culture right now. If I could force that on them for a second, I think the whole world would be a better place.

[John Marco]

But that's what I feel like all of I feel like, whether as Joe Biden not retiring or that billionaire who's trying to live forever.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

Where I guess you see a world without you start going, oh, maybe religion was necessary to give people some kind of hope because they're not confronting dying.

[Caleb]

Yeah. And.

[John Marco]

And so they just want to keep going. If I keep working, I can't die.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

And it's awful. The consequences of it.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

That billionaire guy I think about because I'm like, if I had a lot of money, certainly the hypochondria, why not have. If you're Jeff Bezos, why not have a doctor who does a little check once a day?

[Caleb]

A lot of them, I think do.

[John Marco]

I'm sure they do.

[Caleb]

President certainly does. I mean, yeah, they get checked on all the time.

[John Marco]

When that guy who wants to live forever dies sometime in this week.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

It's gonna be hilarious. And it's unfortunate for him.

[Caleb]

Funniest thing imaginable is that that guy, while filming about how he's going to live forever just gets hit by a bus. It's the funniest thing imaginable. He. Cuz he. There's no. Like, that's the thing is he's like, oh, I'm making my genetics. This, that and the other. You're going to die, brother. It's going to happen.

[John Marco]

I remember being younger and thinking to myself, well, surely technology, they'll be able to reverse aging by the time I'm around, you know, getting old.

[Caleb]

Oh, you thought that?

[John Marco]

That's what I would tell myself when I was like in high school, when I had those, those fears. Yeah, I mean, I've, I've been thinking about it for a long time.

[Caleb]

Your. Your mortality.

[John Marco]

My mortality. Like it was, it was when I saw scary movies as a kid. No, that's what they triggered was seeing. I, I was, I watched Final Destination in high school with this girl that had a crush on it. She like came over. We started watching Final Destination because people would say, People would say, oh, you want to hook up with someone, like watch a scary movie? And then.

[Caleb]

Not kind of scary.

[John Marco]

Yeah. Not with me. The other way. Not with me. And I, I went to my dad, I believe I went to his room and I said, hey, can you like count to 10? I want you to come back in the room and go, you're not allowed to watch this movie. And take it out of the vcr. And he did. My dad walked in and was like, is this Final Destination? He knew it too quick. Like, he did a little too fast. He didn't, like, wait to, like, see.

[Caleb]

Off that Final Destination, Son, you're not allowed by my rules. That is a horrible scene. Yeah.

[John Marco]

And because I truly. I saw that first person die and the concept of death chasing after you, and I was like, I cannot watch this movie. Horrified.

[Caleb]

That is so funny.

[John Marco]

Yeah.

[Caleb]

Oh, I love that. The horror movie to hook up. Pipeline is good.

[John Marco]

I've never underst. I accepted people like watching horror movies. My little sister would watch them to go to bed, and I go, our brains work differently, and I'll never understand what you're getting out of this. Life is so scary to me. I don't know why I would introduce the concept of a girl coming out of a TV on top of cancer and dementia. Yeah, I got enough on my plate.

[Caleb]

I had a. I had one. One straight guy friend in high school. We were kind of like. We had, like, begun to, like, wrestle, and then it kind of turned into a hookup. Okay. We were like. We were, like, wrestling. We were, like, watching a movie, and then we were, like, wrestling, like, kidding around. And then it turned into a hookup. Okay. And it was one of the coolest things at that time that ever happened to me.

[John Marco]

So then what kind of. Who was winning? Like, was there. How does the wrestling evolve into that? Were you doing, like, WWE style?

[Caleb]

Everyone was winning.

[John Marco]

Sure.

[Caleb]

No, we were just like, you know, we were just, like, fooling around. And then we, like. We were just like. I don't know how else to say.

[John Marco]

It other than paint the picture. I wanna see. Was it a headlock? Kind of.

[Caleb]

Did you. No.

[John Marco]

You give a kiss? Okay.

[Caleb]

No, no. It just kinda. We're, like, messing around. We're wrestling around, and then someone gets hard, and then it turns into a hookup.

[John Marco]

Is that what, though? You're. You're like. You got the headlock.

[Caleb]

Well, I wanted it to be a hookup the whole time because I'm secretly gay. I don't really think. I don't know what all your moves are.

[John Marco]

Very crotch piece.

[Caleb]

Well, mine. When things are being touched, I'm not getting upset. You know what I mean?

[John Marco]

Yeah.

[Caleb]

And then after that, I was like, oh, this is the key to hooking up with guys. So then every time I was hanging out with someone, I was like, y' all want to wrestle. I was like, wrestling is the hookup move.

[John Marco]

It was like.

[Caleb]

It was like the horror movie, but it was wrestling. You know what I'm saying?

[John Marco]

Sure.

[Caleb]

That was. The thing is being like, if we wrestle, someone's going to get hard and it's going to turn into a hookup.

[John Marco]

I wrestled a friend in middle school and I just accidentally made him cry.

[Caleb]

Oh, you heard him.

[John Marco]

Yeah.

[Caleb]

Oh, well, that's not fun.

[John Marco]

Yeah. Who knows? Maybe he was trying to hook up and I misread.

[Caleb]

Maybe. You never know. Boys are weird.

[John Marco]

Sure.

[Caleb]

But sometimes it is just about the. Hey, I had plenty of. I had plenty of wrestling that just ended in someone losing.

[John Marco]

Yeah. God, I think. I think about those rest of those wwf, WWE guys. Like, they must. They must be a lot of hooking.

[Caleb]

Up with each other.

[John Marco]

Yeah. It's just. It's a very. Wrestling is very sexual.

[Caleb]

Yeah. Also there's such a. Among a lot of those guys. Any of those kind of. Any of the. Any of the, like hyper testosterone, masculine guys that are obsessed with body. I don't know how you could constantly be sizing up your own body in comparison to other men's bodies and admiring other men's bodies and not. Yeah. Sometimes dipping into a little bit of sex.

[John Marco]

Sure.

[Caleb]

And that's cool. That's maybe one of the coolest things those guys do. You sleep with another guy, you like the way his traps look or whatever the fuck. I don't know what those freaks get into.

[John Marco]

I wonder if they're hooking up and it leads into wrestling.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

It goes back.

[Caleb]

They start with sex.

[John Marco]

They start sweet. Goes back to straight. Yeah.

[Caleb]

Yeah. Well, maybe. And that could be beautiful.

[John Marco]

That sounds wonderful. I'm very supportive.

[Caleb]

What are you? Okay. You're not a hypochondriac. You still fear of death still within you. Yay or nay?

[John Marco]

Yay. But so much more controlled. I was so obsessed with, like, trying to find some kind of answer.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

I would, like, look up all these, you know, whatever. Scientists thought there might be a God. I remember when you were searching for.

[Caleb]

The proof of God. That was one of the. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[John Marco]

Of course. Absolutely. Here's what it was. I was. I'm a skeptical person by nature and I was looking for some explanation that didn't make me go, that's bullshit.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

And I remember, like, I remember the day in college where Stephen Hawking would always refer to, like, by the way, I'm too dumb to understand any concept Stephen Hawking is talking about.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

But he used to be like, oh, we See the fingerprints of God? That would be the metaphor that he used. And then I remember it was on Yahoo. News. It was like, stephen Hawking says there's no God. And I'm like, why did you have to say that, Stephen? Yeah, but I remember it sending like a. Oh, I thought this guy believed in God and he was smart. So that meant it was all fine and just being shaken to my core.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

Like. Like the proof had been taken from me.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

I remember, like, looking up. It was just anyone I admired. If. If they were an atheist, I'd go to their Wikipedia.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

And if it was just an actor whose work I thought was good.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

I'd go, oh, they're an atheist and they're a good actor. That must mean they know something. And. And I wanted it to be real so bad.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

And ultimately, I think it was a mix of, like, getting older and just accepting that no person had answers, number one. Number two, no one was like, everyone was compromised. Everyone had, you know, their belief in God stemmed from some childhood experience, whether positive or negative.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

They. No one is to be trusted.

[Caleb]

I was very attracted to certainty when I was younger. And so Christianity I latched onto for a while because they were certain, and they're like, this is definitely what happens. And I found that very attractive and alluring. And then when I figured, at least for me, when I decided that's all bullshit, these people are nuts. The. The fanatical Christians that were dead set on telling you, like, the evangelicals, I was, like, nuts. And then I got very attracted to militant atheism, and I did that for a while.

[John Marco]

You did? Like, Richard Dawkins.

[Caleb]

Oh, dude, you have. You have.

[John Marco]

I would love to have known your militant atheist years.

[Caleb]

Oh, fucking annoying.

[John Marco]

How would you bring it up? Like, if people said, bless you, you'd.

[Caleb]

Be like, it didn't matter. I would do anything. I would do anything to bring it up. And I was on heavy on Facebook, sharing. Like, I remember specifically, there's this one image I must have shared 15 to 20 times in my life.

[John Marco]

Ricky Gervais with the.

[Caleb]

Basically, it was. It was a bunch of. It was a bunch of atheists. Ricky Gervais was certainly on there. George Carlin, like, a bunch of people. Like, a bunch of their headshots. Like, you're talking about, like, a bunch of different, like, religious figures, actors, comedians. And it was all their headshots put into this little square graphic. And then the text was like, if all atheists go to hell, I'll be in pretty good company. And I, oh, sharing that on Facebook where all my like former youth group friends were. I was like, eat that bitch. Like I loved it. And then I got to the point where I'm pretty much at now where I'm like, actually anybody, Anybody pitching certainty. Atheists, Christians, like Muslims, super, super religious, Jewish people, like anybody saying that they certainly know what's going on. I'm like, you do your thing but I cannot be involved. We're living in post truth. Nothing's true anymore. Now it's all just takes. Everything is just. There's no. Nobody believes. There's hardly anything that you can get most people to go, yeah, that's.

[John Marco]

And I think we also live in a place where no one can apologize without then being defeated by it. I think it would be great if Fauci or the government said, hey, remember when you wiped off your groceries? That was a pain in the ass. And we found out later if they came forward and said we thought that might help. And later we said it's probably not that important. But they can't ever cop to errors because then people go, well then fuck you, you failed. But then if no one ever apologizes or takes accountability then people just start getting resentful and write you off. We live in a very unhealthy time and I don't know if there's any way back. Yeah, I feel pretty hopeless.

[Caleb]

Well, there'll be truth on my commune. I don't feel hopeless, actually.

[John Marco]

You don't feel hopeless?

[Caleb]

I really don't.

[John Marco]

I've said that all the time. You know how one of the theories of the reason there's no alien life is that intelligent life always reaches a stage where it destroys itself?

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

That feels, that resonates with me in terms of, with social media and the ways we've become. Our information has broken down.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

That I'm like, I can see us destroying ourselves. And that's why when another humanity, they're alone in the universe.

[Caleb]

I have real doubt and troubles believing in our systems of information. I have real doubt and trouble believing in Nessus. Like maybe the systems of democracy that are supposed to be acting. I, I think I know where all that. I think I have ideas about how we could handle that. And who is the problem? Rich people. But most, most of all hope for me comes from people. Most of my interactions every day are mostly fine. Most people are nice for sure and normal. And I think most people are not hateful. I don't think most people in this country or elsewhere are bad or ill intentioned. I think Most people are pretty much just trying to get through the day and have fun with their friends and family. And that gives me hope that we can figure something out. I don't know if we will.

[John Marco]

I agree with you. It's the rich people, but it's just no one seems to be doing anything about it.

[Caleb]

Yeah, I was going to, and then I started making some money and now I'm like, those guys. Those guys aren't so bad. I like hanging out with them. They're nice.

[John Marco]

Are you gonna have Elon on the pod already?

[Caleb]

He's scheduled.

[John Marco]

Yeah, yeah, he's next.

[Caleb]

We're gonna move that couch out so he can just sort of jump in place over there. God, I hate that stupid bitch. His whole. His whole arc in the whole thing is just like. It's beyond cartoonish at this point.

[John Marco]

Yeah. It's just. I don't know if I hate him. I don't know. There's nothing. I just. I just love the guy. The video game thing, it's always like, you want to be like. Even that alone, the paying someone else to play video games for you and like claiming that it was you playing them.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

To me, like, that's enough. That if that was a friend of mine, I'd go, we need to stop hanging out. There was a guy I went to middle school with, and he always he this. When Pokemon card were super popular, he pretended like he had these never before seen Pokemon cards at home. Like Pokemon we had never heard of. If you give Eevee this stone, it becomes this thing that no one's ever. And we believed it. And this. We were young enough that we couldn't quite look it up. And every day he'd say, I'm gonna bring it tomorrow. And every day he'd say, my mom said I couldn't bring it. It's too precious.

[Caleb]

He's a genius. My mom said I have to keep it in the glass case where it lives. Too precious and valuable to her.

[John Marco]

And that was enough to be like, oh, you shouldn't be in charge of slashing government programs.

[Caleb]

Yeah. To me, the craziest thing of it all is that the idea that. I don't understand how we got to this point where working people believe that guys like that give a fuck about them. I just don't understand that. I don't.

[John Marco]

Cause they. I think it's just the belief of surely if they got this money, they must be good. And I go. What I want to. Sometimes I want to say is like, do you know someone who makes a Little bit more money than you. And you think they're full of shit and you think they're an idiot and you think there's no way they deserve that. Okay. So you can understand it doesn't correlate to the person's worth. Now just take that, take that example and go. It can happen at this level.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

And that's the thing. You just got to meet him. If anything, the biggest solution is to, like, have lunch with Elon Musk. Just go have lunch. I think we get lunch one on one.

[Caleb]

But he every single day talks in public and is so annoying, so uncool.

[John Marco]

So like, but the spin is so good. They go, but he made that car to them. He made that car in his backyard.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

That's how they perceive it. I remember it was Bill Burr always had a good joke about Steve Jobs. Cause I feel like Steve Jobs was one of these early people where it was like he made the iPhone. And Bill Burr's point was like he pointed to a box and said, put a thousand songs in there. And someone else did that. And then we think of him as he made the thing.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

And I think it's that the spin is just so effective that people look at this guy and they go, he did all these things. He made the rockets.

[Caleb]

Yeah, he made them. Same with Trump, though. It doesn't make all of. It doesn't make any sense. They're all grifters. Trump's a horrible businessman. The only thing he was ever good at was exploiting people. We have so much evidence. And it's crazy to me how many things we know about him that just don't factor anymore because it didn't work. Like the hits didn't work. So now we just don't talk about it.

[John Marco]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Caleb]

We have so much examples of him just straight up not paying contractors, hard working people that like built things for him.

[John Marco]

Can I tell you something? I went to a rally, a Trump rally. Mm.

[Caleb]

Uh huh.

[John Marco]

Where it was. So it was two days before the election.

[Caleb]

Maybe the vaccine stuff is adding up now. By the way.

[John Marco]

I was in Raleigh, North Carolina, and it was like three days before the election, and I got a notification.

[Caleb]

You're getting cooked for that pronunciation of Raleigh, by the way. North Carolina heads in the chat are gonna come for you. Just so you know.

[John Marco]

Raleigh, North Carolina, and I got a Twitter notification that was like, trump rally. And it was the city next door. And I. This was like in that moment where I was like, I think it's done. I think it's over. He's gonna lose, and this is gone. I'm not gonna pretend like, I knew what was coming. So I go to this rally, and I wanted to go, like, undercover, so to speak. You know, sometimes I'm recognized. I don't think this is my circle, per se, but all I brought with me were musical theater T shirts.

[Caleb]

That's not a good thing.

[John Marco]

All I had. And so, like, I picked Oklahoma. It felt the closest.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

You know, Trump likes cats. Apparently. I should have gone with cats.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

But so I. We went there. We got a hat there, you know.

[Caleb]

Got a Gunnigan hat.

[John Marco]

Country. No, no. It was, like, a little bit, like. It was a cooler, like, more ALTI version.

[Caleb]

Do you want us to put this out?

[John Marco]

Because I was curious. I thought I was, like, doing what? Like, you know, I was like, maybe I'll, like, see something. I'll learn something. I'll. I'll see an insight to why this thing is continuing.

[Caleb]

Yeah. I was, like, pretty on board. Until the hat.

[John Marco]

Until the hat. What was it? You want me to go in wearing what, a so true podcast hat?

[Caleb]

Ideally, yeah. But no, I think just know how would have been fine, too. Buying merch is crazy work.

[John Marco]

It was. It was not the official merch. It was a local person, so I was helping small business owners.

[Caleb]

It was a small business owner in the parking lot.

[John Marco]

And I just remember, first, it was way smaller than I thought it would be. Yeah, it was way smaller. They. He was very late.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

And it was like, when you see this person, like, in person, 100ft away from you, you go, this guy is old.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

And he was doing, you know, three sets that day, essentially, and he flies in. They played the Undertaker's theme music as he got out of the plane. And I was like. I was like, are you serious?

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

The Undertaker. It was, like, ominous. Like, that was the vibe. It was like this, like, here he comes to destroy whatever. And he went up there, and he was like. People started leaving after. After 10 minutes. Cause it was so boring.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

It was so not engaged. And that's when I thought, oh, it's done. I had this crazy sense of optimism about Kamala winning, because I think people were leaving. He didn't have the juice. He was talking about lowering gross grocery prices where they were selling jerk chicken for, like, $45.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

And I was like, why don't you lower the prices of this jerk chicken?

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

To start off. Yeah.

[Caleb]

Once you lower the price of these mega hats. I spent a fortune.

[John Marco]

Fortune.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

And then I left. And I left feeling like, ugh, it's done. It was that same confidence I had the day I voted for Hillary Clinton in 2016 when I voted and I was like, oh, thank God this is over.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

And I fell for it again.

[Caleb]

Well, he won by very unstatistical margins in a lot of swing states, so who knows what happened?

[John Marco]

But he won North Carolina. I truly, I said, well, he's not winning North Carolina. I thought I was. So it was just shocking how much of a non event it was and how old. So old.

[Caleb]

That is strange, isn't it, that he, that he's so boring and it seemed so bad for him, and yet he won every single swing state by like a pretty big margin after talking about stolen elections for a couple years. That is interesting.

[John Marco]

I think it just goes back to. It's the hatred. They did a good job branding or collecting the idea of the woke person. And this is not about anything other than hurting that person and people. People wanted it.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

It's a bummer.

[Caleb]

Yeah. Who knows? Who knows what happened? Who knows what happened in those.

[John Marco]

Who'd you vote for?

[Caleb]

Who'd I vote for? Yeah, it doesn't matter who we individually voted for.

[John Marco]

Yeah. Yeah. You know, it's not like you won by one vote.

[Caleb]

It's so much bigger. Not in Missouri, where I vote. It's. It's so much bigger than that. But. But of course I voted my conscience and I voted for change.

[John Marco]

But when they, when they, when they worry about a third term or whatever, I'm like. I'm like, he's older than. He's older than you. You think? Yeah, like, you really, you really seeing the highlights.

[Caleb]

I think the third term thing is genuinely so horrifying.

[John Marco]

It's horrifying, but I really don't think. I think Father Time will save us from this point.

[Caleb]

It's not about whether or not he serves the third term or even tries for it. It's about him. We have a United States president. This is another one of those things that I'm like, I feel like I'm fucking, like, living out or something. Like, am I like democracy now or something? That I am, like, why we have an American president talking about genuinely wanting to explore options for a third term, and everyone's just like, oh, yeah, that's part of it now. That is fucking insane.

[John Marco]

Sure.

[Caleb]

That is fucking insane. This person is fucking insane. I feel crazy.

[John Marco]

My only hope is that it really. There's a big chunk of it tied to this. One individual has so captured some version of America and no one is going to fill in for this person. This person has a charisma. I understand. I just said that. He was watching him live. It was like watching a Las Vegas comic who was done. But ultimately, we're a celebrity based culture. This person had a unique celebrity that's been cooking for since the 90s. My dad had the art of the deal on his shelf.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

You know, I watched the Apprentice season one when I was, what, in eighth grade?

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

Like, there's such. There's. No one's gonna fill in for this person. And it will fracture and break down once he. He passes away. I really. That's. That's. That's a hope that I do have.

[Caleb]

God, you remember the way L. A felt when he lost to Biden? Oh, you weren't in L. A. I.

[John Marco]

Wasn'T in L. A. Oh, God.

[Caleb]

It was. There were parties in the world.

[John Marco]

Oh, Tova filmed it. There was dancing.

[Caleb]

Oh, people breaking. We were.

[John Marco]

Because it was delayed. Remember that? It was like. But then eventually one day, someone finally called it.

[Caleb]

Yeah. Oh, this. People were embracing strangers. There was. It was. Oh, it was beautiful. And I think the day that he.

[John Marco]

Remember the day he got coveted, we were all. We were all still in lockdown. But I was like, I was calling my family.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

I was calling my sister.

[Caleb]

I was like, he's old. And it's doing it to old people. He's kind of fat, too.

[John Marco]

Reading tweets to each other just like, this is amazing.

[Caleb]

Yeah. The day he leaves us is gonna be a really special day. It's gonna be very. I'm. Well, I want nothing to do with it.

[John Marco]

If one motherfucker. If one motherfucker. And I have a couple friends who do this goes. Guys, it's. We shouldn't celebrate someone dying. I'm gonna go.

[Caleb]

You can die too. Shut up. It's fun. Shut up, shut up. It's fun. Anyway, John Marco, what's so true to you?

[John Marco]

I was thinking about this. Good, good.

[Caleb]

Hey, you're bounds ahead of most of our guests already. You're ahead by a country mile if you've thought about it at all before walking in here.

[John Marco]

So I've been thinking a lot about one of my openers on the road. His name's Liam Nelson, a good comedian, and he's 7ft tall.

[Caleb]

Why would you take him out?

[John Marco]

Take him out?

[Caleb]

Why would you take him on the road?

[John Marco]

On the road?

[Caleb]

I know it's gotta be logistically complicated. Stuffing him in places.

[John Marco]

Flying's brutal for him. Sometimes with the bathroom, he has to keep the door open if he has to.

[Caleb]

Yeah. Sell him to the circus. Why are you taking him on the road?

[John Marco]

I mean, what am I but a traveling circus?

[Caleb]

Yeah. Right.

[John Marco]

That's the life.

[Caleb]

Right. My bad. Yeah.

[John Marco]

So when I'm with him, I really experience how many people have to ask him how tall he is and the ways that they do it. And there's a lot of, like, you almost hate it when people ask you this.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

I'm sure you get asked this all the time. I'm sure if someone asks you today, you're gonna put a bullet in your brain. But how dull are you? And I go, how. We've lost manners. Yeah, we've lost manners. And I don't know when I was taught that. I don't know what, like, whether it was a kid's TV show or school or my parents just said, like, don't. Or mind your business. Some version of mind your business.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

But everyone, the older guys, they're the worst. This one guy came up to him recently and goes, like, he goes and just sits there waiting for him to have to initiate.

[Caleb]

Seven foot.

[John Marco]

Yeah, seven feet. And, you know, he deals with it and he has like, he has like cards now sometimes that he gives and he's like, you know, it's a good way. It kind of ends the conversation.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

Just giving a card and he's like, follow me. You know, whatever. He's trying to get something out of it.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

But I remember one guy said, I know what four letter word you like, D, U, C, K. And I'm like, shut the fuck up.

[Caleb]

Leave us alone. That kind of rocks. That was a banger.

[John Marco]

It's. But it's, it's. It's everywhere. It's everyone and it's, it's. It's older people. It's not the kids usually. It's older people. And I just scared. How do you not have it in your mind to go, oh, if I want to ask him that? How many people have wanted to ask him that and have.

[Caleb]

Yeah, shut up. Why is he doing comedy and not playing basketball for real?

[John Marco]

Because he has Marfants.

[Caleb]

Oh, what's that? That sounds bad. Marfants.

[John Marco]

No, I mean, it's fuck. He said it so many times.

[Caleb]

Fuck. But.

[John Marco]

But basically, like, you know, there's heart stuff where you can't do super physical activities.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

Organs are longer and stretched out.

[Caleb]

Organs are longer.

[John Marco]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Caleb]

Jesus.

[John Marco]

Fuck. I forget the word. He always says it. But a lot of people, if you're tall. I was checked for marfans. Because if you're tall or lanky, they go, maybe it's because you have Marfanz.

[Caleb]

You can't have it if you're fat.

[John Marco]

I think you can do. I have. I'm not a medical professional.

[Caleb]

Do you think I have it?

[John Marco]

Is Mercury in retrograde?

[Caleb]

It might be. You never know. You have to check if you're feeling odd. You might be.

[John Marco]

Yeah. Then you might have Marfans.

[Caleb]

Check on it. Marfans. I don't know what that is, but I wish that he could play basketball. That's so sad.

[John Marco]

Yeah, I think he did it, like, at some point as a young kid, you're tall and they're like. I mean, they threw me in basketball because I was tall and I was.

[Caleb]

Terrible to have to be a comedian when you're seven feet tall. I'm shouting out, Liam, he's strong. He's really strong and beautiful. Marfan most commonly affects the heart, eyes, blood vessels and skeleton. They're tall and thin with unusually long arms. It can be mild or severe.

[John Marco]

Cool.

[Caleb]

So, well, shout out to Liam.

[John Marco]

Osama bin Laden had Mar fans.

[Caleb]

He did. Was he tall?

[John Marco]

Oh, yeah, he was very tall.

[Caleb]

Oh, wow. I didn't know that about him.

[John Marco]

Jonathan Larson, who wrote Rent, he. He had Mara fans and he actually died because whatever happened with his heart, they didn't know he had Marfan. So they treated him in, like, the incorrect way.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[John Marco]

And that's why he died, because they.

[Caleb]

Treated him like a regular guy whose liver was normally. Chance printed your acting resume for me.

[John Marco]

My college acting resume. Oh, thank God.

[Caleb]

I don't go over it. I don't want to talk about that. I want to do a segment with you. I want to do True or false with you.

[John Marco]

Okay.

[Caleb]

And I want you to know that I'm going to read you 15 statements and you're going to tell me as quickly as you can if you think that each thing I said was true or false. If you get 10 or more. Correct or. Marco, we're going to give you 50 US dollars. It's kind of big.

[John Marco]

Did I do this last time?

[Caleb]

Oh, yeah. Everyone's done it.

[John Marco]

Did I win?

[Caleb]

I don't remember.

[John Marco]

I don't remember getting money.

[Caleb]

You ready? Wow. The human skull is made.

[John Marco]

By the way. I was on stage recently and someone heckled me and they said, when is Caleb coming to Indianapolis?

[Caleb]

First of all, I just went to Indianapolis. And second of all, don't do that. Yeah, don't do that. Don't yell out about me at someone else's show. I don't like that. I've gotten multiple reports from friends about stuff like that. That does not make. That does not please me. Listen to the show.

[John Marco]

Enjoy the idea that I'd call you and be like, hey, you gotta come out to St. Louis.

[Caleb]

Hey, I don't know.

[John Marco]

You gotta make the trip.

[Caleb]

You gotta get to Muncie quick. They need you over there.

[John Marco]

Yeah, well, how do you feel? Cause people always want you to tour more, and they get frustrated. They go. They go. They want you to come, and so they take it out on your fellow comedian friends.

[Caleb]

Well, I would say stop taking it out on my fellow comedian friends. And also, you're probably gonna stay frustrated. I'm on tour right now, and it's a beautiful, amazing tour, and it's wonderful. We're playing these incredible theaters. It's so nice. They're all sold out. You couldn't ask people who want a tour. You couldn't ask for a better situation than mine. I'm ready to quit.

[John Marco]

You should do it in Kansas City, like a Las Vegas residency in Kansas City. You'll help their economy. You can have, you know, share the money, and that's the only place to see you live. And people will travel from all over the world to do it.

[Caleb]

That's a beautiful idea.

[John Marco]

I think you should.

[Caleb]

The human skull is made of 29 different bones.

[John Marco]

True.

[Caleb]

That is true. The lifespan of a taste bud is nine months.

[John Marco]

True. False.

[Caleb]

It's about 10 days. Baby bunnies are called pups.

[John Marco]

False.

[Caleb]

False. Kittens. Ray Liotta graduated from the University of Miami.

[John Marco]

True.

[Caleb]

True. Scorpions can glow.

[John Marco]

True.

[Caleb]

True. The largest desert in the world is in Antarctica.

[John Marco]

False.

[Caleb]

It's true. Georgetown Day School's mascot is the wasp.

[John Marco]

False.

[Caleb]

False. It's Hoppers, the grasshopper. Earth sky is purple. Human eye. Earth's sky is purple. Human eyes just see it as blue.

[John Marco]

True.

[Caleb]

True. There are more chickens than people in the world.

[John Marco]

False.

[Caleb]

It's true. Don Knott's real first name was Edward.

[John Marco]

True. False.

[Caleb]

It was Jesse. The Sega Dreamcast is older than the Nintendo 64.

[John Marco]

True.

[Caleb]

That is false. Kangaroos can't walk backwards.

[John Marco]

True.

[Caleb]

True. Mars is the closest planet to Earth.

[John Marco]

False.

[Caleb]

False. It's Venus. The Monopoly guy wears a monocle.

[John Marco]

True. False.

[Caleb]

Camels have straight spines.

[John Marco]

True.

[Caleb]

That is true. How do you do? What a horrible. Nine is the worst one. Nine is the worst number. And the best number, frankly, is 10. To get exactly 10 is great. Nine is the worst. Anything over 10 is boring. You're a. No. It all. Anything under nine is humiliating. You're yeah. Nine and 10 are the only two numbers that count in this game, in my opinion. John Marco, it was a pleasure to have you. Do you want to tell the people where to find you, etc.

[John Marco]

Yeah. I'm on tour. I'm going to be in Europe. I'm going to be all over America, in cities that Caleb would never, would only fly over. I'll be there and then listen to my podcast. The Downside. We've had Caleb on three times.

[Caleb]

Looking for a fourth.

[John Marco]

I would love to have you for a fourth.

[Caleb]

Looking for a fourth.

[John Marco]

We'll make it happen.

[Caleb]

Has it been three?

[John Marco]

Yeah, it has. We did one just you and me way back in la.

[Caleb]

One in LA and then one in your current studio. Or two in your current studio in New York.

[John Marco]

Two in different iterations of the studio.

[Caleb]

Anyway, looking for a fourth.

[John Marco]

I would love to have you have me on.

[Caleb]

Anything else you want to tell them?

[John Marco]

Jamarcus Arazi, the Downside Podcast.

[Caleb]

There it is.

[John Marco]

That's all I do.

[Caleb]

We love you. Thanks for being here.

[John Marco]

Thanks for having me.

[Caleb]

We did it. That was a headgum podcast. Hey, I'm Tony Hale. I'm Matt Oberg.

[John Marco]

And I'm Kristen Schall.

[Caleb]

And we're going to be hosting the new podcast the Extraordinarians, where we are going to be interviewing extraordinary people doing extraordinary things, things that we have never and probably will never do. We talk to people who have broken records on slack lines, suspended by hot air balloons. We're talking to people who have done multiple flips on trampolines. You'll have to tune in to find out how many flips they did.

[John Marco]

Subscribe to Extraordinarians on Spotify, Apple Podcast.

[Caleb]

Pocket Cast, or wherever you get your.

[John Marco]

Podcast and watch videos. There's new episodes that we release it every Wednesday.

[Caleb]

We do. I've never seen you cry before. I know. I don't know why this is setting.

[John Marco]

For all of us. They don't let us break for lunch.

[Caleb]

They do podcast.

[John Marco]

It's so competitive.

[Caleb]

They make you just talking. Guys, we're watching a spin out. Please subscribe. Oh, man. Extraordinarians.