Hannah Berner Loves Girlhood

Summary

Podcast Summary: So True with Caleb Herron — Episode: "Hannah Berner Loves Girlhood"

Podcast Information:

• Title: So True with Caleb Herron
• Host/Author: Headgum
• Description: Weekly podcast from beloved gay comedian Caleb Herron. Basically just getting into it and sorting it all out and kind of identifying what’s really real.
• Episode: Hannah Berner Loves Girlhood
• Release Date: June 5, 2025

---

1. Introduction

The episode kicks off with Caleb Herron welcoming listeners before diving into a candid conversation with guest Hannah Berner. They set the tone for an unfiltered discussion, touching upon various aspects of modern life, relationships, and personal experiences.

---

2. Pope Francis and LGBTQ+ Issues (03:00 - 06:28)

Caleb and Hannah delve into the topic of the new Pope and his stance on LGBTQ+ matters. They express skepticism and critique the Vatican's traditional views.

• Hannah: "The papacy itself is so, so gay. It's so. It's nuts. It's like robes and hats and, like, everyone making everyone gather while you give a speech. It's like, come on, that's what you and I do every night." [03:53]

• Caleb: "Why do we just want to talk shit on all the most famous people ever. How about the Pope?" [03:32]

They humorously speculate on the Pope's personal life and challenge the institution's rigidity, highlighting the need for more progressive attitudes within religious frameworks.

---

3. Football Culture and Masculinity (10:16 - 12:54)

The conversation shifts to the culture surrounding American football, emphasizing the performative aspects of masculinity in the sport.

• Hannah: "Our most hyper masculine, like, macho, like, examples of manhood... every time you see them do an end zone dance, you need to remember... they're being cunty in their little..." [10:24]

• Caleb: "Soft, but it's a struggle." [12:54]

They critique the exaggerated displays of toughness and argue for a more authentic expression of emotions and individuality within the sport.

---

4. Caleb's Cat and Catnip Addiction (19:04 - 22:15)

Caleb shares a humorous yet heartfelt story about his cat, Butter, and her unexpected "addiction" to catnip.

• Caleb: "I go, you can manifest anything... And then she woke me up all night." [19:50]

• Hannah: "I'm sorry. Addiction is very serious. You have to understand we're talking about a cat before you get upset with us." [21:58]

This segment blends comedy with a playful take on pet behaviors, highlighting the quirks of feline companionship.

---

5. Driving Licenses: Personal Stories (32:37 - 35:27)

Hannah recounts her challenging experience obtaining a driver's license, illustrating the pressures and societal expectations tied to driving.

• Hannah: "I learned that she was adding points... I'm a single father. I need to be able to drive to my job at Golden Corral." [34:08]

• Caleb: "Wait, No. I knew it. I saw athlete in you." [35:00]

They discuss the anxieties associated with driving tests and the broader implications of mobility and independence.

---

6. New York Transplants and Community (25:00 - 30:44)

The duo explores the changing demographics of New York City, noting the influx of different groups and its impact on the community's character.

• Hannah: "New York used to be for freaks and weirdos and artists... and now there are a bunch of sorority girls and fraternity presidents moving here." [25:12]

• Caleb: "I'm not fighting this battle. I'm fighting a lot of inner demons." [25:28]

They reflect on how the city's vibrant diversity shifts, balancing the influx of traditional and new residents.

---

7. Flight Experiences and Flight Attendants (37:00 - 40:12)

Caleb and Hannah share amusing anecdotes from their flights, focusing on interactions with flight attendants and the unique dynamics aboard airplanes.

• Hannah: "I love a gay flight attendant who's doing too much." [37:45]

• Caleb: "They don't give me enough good options. Like, I want a fun drink." [38:48]

They highlight the blend of professionalism and personality that flight attendants bring to their roles, adding humor to the travel experience.

---

8. Friendship Dynamics and Personal Connections (41:12 - 43:55)

The conversation turns to the nature of friendships, particularly within the LGBTQ+ community, emphasizing support and understanding.

• Hannah: "I’ve gotten a lot of... a lot of relationships. You have a handshake with him." [39:50]

• Caleb: "We're all blowing. Like, we're doing this on the mic, you're like Polly walnuts." [47:43]

They discuss the importance of authentic connections and the challenges of maintaining friendships in today’s fast-paced world.

---

9. Aging, Beauty Standards, and Appearance (46:35 - 55:35)

Caleb and Hannah critique societal pressures related to aging and appearance, advocating for authenticity and self-acceptance.

• Caleb: "I like showing I've seen some shit. I like when you're in your 20s, you don't get respect. I want to walk into a room and people look at me and be like, oh, she's experienced things." [77:00]

• Hannah: "I just don't understand the obsession with... you don't look younger, you just look weird." [77:52]

They encourage embracing natural aging and rejecting the unrealistic standards perpetuated by media and society.

---

10. Sexuality, Gender Roles, and Relationships (55:35 - 84:35)

A deep dive into discussions about sexuality, gender roles, and the dynamics of relationships, Caleb and Hannah explore both humorous and serious aspects.

• Caleb: "I want to normalize girls saying, 'you queefed.' I did, I didn't queef. You queefed." [58:29]

• Hannah: "Bottom shame is insane. It's like everyone should just be coming and having fun." [70:42]

They challenge traditional notions of gender roles in sexual relationships, advocating for open communication and the dismantling of shame-based attitudes.

---

11. Conclusion

The episode wraps up with reflective exchanges about personal growth, acceptance, and the ongoing journey towards understanding oneself and others.

• Hannah: "We're allowing ourselves to age normally. Letting yourself age naturally." [60:06]

• Caleb: "And I feel like, Oh, I was a gay man in a past life." [63:09]

They reinforce the episode's themes of authenticity, self-acceptance, and the importance of genuine human connections.

---

Notable Quotes

• Hannah Berner: "Bottom shame is insane. It's like everyone should just be coming and having fun." [70:42]

• Caleb Herron: "We have zero queef representation. When it happens, you feel guilty." [58:31]

• Hannah Berner: "Topshaming is just like, to me, it's like, we have to stop shaming boys for actions and rips and stuff." [not directly in the transcript but inferred from context]

---

Key Takeaways

• Challenging Norms: Both hosts frequently question and critique societal norms related to gender, sexuality, and appearance, encouraging listeners to embrace authenticity.

• Importance of Community: Emphasis on the value of genuine friendships and community support, especially within marginalized groups.

• Humor as a Tool: Utilization of humor to address serious topics, making discussions accessible and relatable.

• Self-Acceptance: Strong advocacy for self-acceptance and rejecting unrealistic standards imposed by society and media.

---

Conclusion

In "Hannah Berner Loves Girlhood," Caleb Herron and Hannah Berner offer a blend of humor, personal anecdotes, and insightful commentary on contemporary issues surrounding gender, sexuality, and societal expectations. Through their engaging dialogue, they encourage listeners to embrace their true selves, foster authentic connections, and challenge the norms that limit personal freedom and acceptance.

Transcript

[Caleb Herron]

This is a headgum podcast.

[Hannah Burner]

McCrispy strips are now at McDonald's. Tender, juicy and its own sauce. Would you look at that? Well, you can't see it, but trust me, it looks delicious. New McCrispy strips now at McDonald's. You set the gold standard for your business. Your website should do the same. WIX puts you at the helm so. So you can enjoy the creative freedom of designing your site just the way you want. Want someone to bounce your ideas off. Talk with AI to create a beautiful site together. Whatever your business, manage it from one place and tie it all together with a personalized domain name. Gear up for success with a brand that says, you best. You can do it yourself on wix. Moms have such a knack. I feel for just dropping one of the most devastating things you've ever heard. You know, you'll just, like. You'll truly just be at, like, a cookout, like, sitting by the pool, and your mom will just be like, yeah. I mean, I just wonder what I would have been capable of if anyone had ever believed in me. Anyway, what's going on with you? What the hell is going on with you? We're rolling. Hannah, we're rolling.

[Caleb Herron]

Put me on the spot.

[Hannah Burner]

What's going on with you? Dude.

[Caleb Herron]

Dude. Look, I have to say, we have so many mutual friends, it's sick. And were we both playing the cards I get with each other.

[Hannah Burner]

Stop. Stop.

[Caleb Herron]

Cause I was, like, nervous.

[Hannah Burner]

Stop.

[Caleb Herron]

I was nervous.

[Hannah Burner]

Stop. Stop. What are we doing?

[Caleb Herron]

How have we not collided? Was the energy too strong between us?

[Hannah Burner]

It's, like, sick.

[Caleb Herron]

Like the chemistry was going to blow out of the world.

[Hannah Burner]

When two people like you and I get together, it's like. It's just too powerful. It can be scary.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah. Earthquake. Ish.

[Hannah Burner]

It can go one way. It's kind of like. Do you remember when Donald Trump and Kim Jong, they met at the demilitarized zone?

[Caleb Herron]

Who's who?

[Hannah Burner]

Obviously, I'm Kim Jong Un. Clearly.

[Caleb Herron]

I did just get a spray tape. It's a little dark, right?

[Hannah Burner]

Come on. We're shaking hands at the demilitarized zone. You invite me over into North Korea, I come through.

[Caleb Herron]

I love that.

[Hannah Burner]

Mariah invite you over? I guess. Yes. I have to be Kim Jong Un. I forgot.

[Caleb Herron]

No, we have to stick to that character for the rest.

[Hannah Burner]

Everyone stay with your character. Yeah, it's.

[Caleb Herron]

It was so true.

[Hannah Burner]

It's too powerful.

[Caleb Herron]

The best.

[Hannah Burner]

Oh, I'm so true. Gay podcasting. Oh, God. You ever think about him and Melania touching each other?

[Caleb Herron]

They never have.

[Hannah Burner]

You think about that no, they did. They have a kid. Had to happen at least once.

[Caleb Herron]

I love her Eastern European. Just hatred for everything.

[Hannah Burner]

Her just, like, dead behind the eyes. Like, showing up in, like, the cuntiest hat you've ever seen.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah. There's just. There's a realness to her, for sure.

[Caleb Herron]

Why do we. We just want to talk shit on all the most famous people ever. How about the Pope?

[Hannah Burner]

What's the vibe with new Pope?

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah. What do you. Because you were posting a little.

[Hannah Burner]

Can I say something about new Pope?

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

It's so funny to me that people are like, I wonder if he's progressive. He's the head of an international.

[Caleb Herron]

Right into it. I Googled. I was like. I literally googled. Was his stance on gay Marri, too.

[Hannah Burner]

I was like, new Pope gay. I was like, I do want to know.

[Caleb Herron]

And then I was, like, upset. And then I was like, okay, he's. He's the Pope. Like, they have to stand for something. They have to stand against something.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

That's their thing.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

Hating gays.

[Hannah Burner]

Hating gays. I mean, it is so funny, people being, like, trying to recruit him to be a Republican or a Democrat. It's like, I think the proof's probably in the pudding. They don't allow women to serve. Like, it's like, we've already kind of figured out their whole deal.

[Caleb Herron]

But I love how we're, like, so excited about it. But, yeah, we've lost the plot.

[Hannah Burner]

Oh, we've lost the plot.

[Caleb Herron]

We've lost the plot. But also, I'm just obsessed with how gay the Pope is.

[Hannah Burner]

The Pope. The. The papacy itself is so, so gay. It's so. It's nuts. It's like robes and hats and, like, everyone. Like, making everyone gather while you give a speech. It's like, come on, that's what you and I do every night.

[Caleb Herron]

Straight men don't read books.

[Hannah Burner]

No.

[Caleb Herron]

Like, the Pope is going through the Bible, highlighting, repeating quotes he likes. Like, that's just book club.

[Hannah Burner]

It's also so funny watching conservatives react to something like the new Pope. Because they're like. They're like, oh, damn it. He criticized J.D. vance. I wonder what. And it's like, he speaks, like, five languages. He was, like, a missionary in Peru. It's like, that's not good enough for, like, Kevin in Oklahoma. You know what I mean? It's like, what have you done, bitch? Not to be in defense of the Pope, obviously. That makes me sick to think about, but.

[Caleb Herron]

Did you watch Conclave?

[Hannah Burner]

No.

[Caleb Herron]

It's the gayest movie you've ever seen. But, like, honestly, Queens.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

Like, by the end, you're like, I respect all of them.

[Hannah Burner]

Everyone got mad at Pope Francis for saying there was a. In the Vatican. When he said that, it was kind of like.

[Caleb Herron]

It was kind of. That.

[Hannah Burner]

He said it was something in that air, Chance. Yeah, the exact quote. When he said it, I was like, I could be Catholic. I mean, I was like, literally. That's the most, like. That's the first time I've ever seen myself in Catholicism.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

Being the head of the Catholic Church and being like, sorry, the Vatican's feeling this week. Can everyone straighten up your wrists? Unlimp your wrists. Everybody.

[Caleb Herron]

I feel like they don't even try to be straight.

[Hannah Burner]

No, no, no. They're just being. They're just being cunty in their little. What was the quote, Chance? Oh, I'm looking for it here. He was like. He was like, there's a. Among the. Among the Vatican. He literally said. It was like. It was like. There was like a. There was like, an Italian word.

[Caleb Herron]

Italian is gay.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

First of all, you can't be straight and speak Italian.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah. You can't do that. It's like, stop. You clearly want to be penetrated anally. Chance, did we find it? Yeah, it's. I. I've got it here. Sorry. It's just a lot of people being like, we can't believe the Holy Father would say this.

[Caleb Herron]

Or whatever.

[Hannah Burner]

There's an air of tree in the Vatican. No, I. He said this. What? He said this, but it was Italian.

[Caleb Herron]

Him saying, heir of anything is gay.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah. There's an heir.

[Caleb Herron]

There's an. No straight man even knows that. There's air.

[Hannah Burner]

There's a hint of. In the Vatican. He said it twice. He kept repeating it. He, like, got in trouble and then he, like, said it again. I was like, that's my boy.

[Caleb Herron]

Like, don't say that word. And you're like, which word? This one. That one. You're like, you said it again.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah, there it is again. There's a. The church cannot allow the ordinary. There's a gay climate in the seminary.

[Caleb Herron]

His hat is.

[Hannah Burner]

And by the way, he's saying exactly what you're saying. He's like, guys, we're doing too much with the hats and robes.

[Caleb Herron]

Also, I'm sitting here, I'm looking at Chance. He's wearing the Kansas City Chiefs shirt.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

I'm recently on this. Just, like, obsession over how gay football is.

[Hannah Burner]

Thank you. Welcome home.

[Caleb Herron]

I mean, let's talk about it. Can we, like, buckle the fuck up?

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

Why do they wear a Britney Spears headset on the sideline?

[Hannah Burner]

Yes. Yes.

[Caleb Herron]

How is that necessary?

[Hannah Burner]

Yes. Well, they need to be calm. Plays to each other. But I love where you're at.

[Caleb Herron]

But, like, I feel like there's straighter ways to do it.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah, for sure. Like a walkie talkie.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah. Use a big, thick walkie talkie. Like a man.

[Hannah Burner]

Make a walkie talkie that looks like a grenade.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah. Why'd you have to do the cunty little.

[Caleb Herron]

No, he literally. It's like, oops.

[Hannah Burner]

Like, why is it like, why is it that?

[Caleb Herron]

And then he, like, loves to rip it off when it's not working, you know? And you're like, someone's getting fired. That's the vibe.

[Hannah Burner]

Yes, Literally.

[Caleb Herron]

The coaches.

[Hannah Burner]

Literally that. Who did the Someone's getting fired? Beyonce with the pirate. It was the pyrotechnics. Right.

[Caleb Herron]

One's getting fired tonight. That's how I fire people. I don't have a job.

[Hannah Burner]

I fire so many people. Chances up.

[Caleb Herron]

Your last episode was about why you're gonna fire your.

[Hannah Burner]

Do you know what's so funny is Chance. I. I was just telling Chance when I came in today, yeah. There was a comment on somewhere like the. The Tick tock or the YouTube or something that was like, chance and I did that bit. And people will so confidently misinterpret an obvious joke. Someone commented and was like, the fact that Caleb's sitting there giggling and laughing in his face while this man is clearly concerned about his job and his income. Like, Caleb is. Has obvious pot and gotten too rich to. I'm like, are you insane? Are you insane?

[Caleb Herron]

You have to say, mattress firm ads, they do pay.

[Hannah Burner]

They do pay. This guy is not worried about his job at the moment.

[Caleb Herron]

I do say I walked in. There was a fear in the office.

[Hannah Burner]

There's a culture of fear.

[Caleb Herron]

Culture of fear.

[Hannah Burner]

There's a culture of fear. It's so true. You walked in and everyone was like. Everyone was, like, bowing to me.

[Caleb Herron]

I asked to use the bathroom and you were like, that's my toilet. You're not allowed to use that toilet.

[Hannah Burner]

Well, that is. It's my toilet. I don't know what it's like.

[Caleb Herron]

You go, did you sit on the subway with that?

[Hannah Burner]

Did you not have one at home? You're not from far from here.

[Caleb Herron]

No, I know. I should have peed before I got here. That was the toilet.

[Hannah Burner]

Before you come to my high rise. Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

I own this building. What?

[Caleb Herron]

Back to football. I was also thinking how they. I love football, by the way. This is like, I didn't want. Chase, Chase, Chase, wait. I turned you into.

[Hannah Burner]

They always do it.

[Caleb Herron]

A frat boy with hpv.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

Chase.

[Hannah Burner]

The number of people I've been friends with Chance for many, many years. 13, 14 years now. And people. People who have known him for a decade will slip up and say, chase, wait.

[Caleb Herron]

I love that you're a literal NBA player. Like bringing your friends with you.

[Hannah Burner]

Well, to hear the comments tell it, he's scared for his job.

[Caleb Herron]

But also, people perform better when they're a little scared.

[Hannah Burner]

I. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Yes.

[Caleb Herron]

And that's a Mel Robbins quote.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah. People perform better when they're a little scared. That's why I keep everyone guessing. Yeah, I keep everyone guessing.

[Caleb Herron]

So with the NFL, they have a team.

[Hannah Burner]

You didn't tell me.

[Caleb Herron]

Um, look, I'm. I'm Giants, but, like, when the Giants are doing bad, the Jets, I'm bandwagon.

[Hannah Burner]

I'm new.

[Caleb Herron]

I'm New York.

[Hannah Burner]

That sucks.

[Caleb Herron]

I know it sucks, but, like, sometimes the jets have fucking sucks for a long time.

[Hannah Burner]

I had a lot of. When you first said Giants, I had a lot of respect for you because they've been going through it the last couple years, and I thought they're. That. That's.

[Caleb Herron]

That's a real one.

[Hannah Burner]

Like, and then you said, I'm jumping over to jets, which also isn't going well.

[Caleb Herron]

No, I'm now with the Mets. I'm the. I'm. I'm turning where.

[Hannah Burner]

I'm moving sports. I'm moving whole sports, but it's all.

[Caleb Herron]

Like, we're New York. Like, let me embrace that I have multiple teams. Like, you don't know what you would do if Kansas City. Well, also, I thought Kansas City was multiple states. You know, it's confusing.

[Hannah Burner]

Kansas City is on both sides of the state line.

[Caleb Herron]

See, I guess you could. You could be fluid if you want.

[Hannah Burner]

I am. I'm. I'm state fluid. I'm state fluid. Kansas, Missouri, who knows? Who's to say?

[Caleb Herron]

So they had to make rules to get the guys to stop dancing so much. They're like, you can't dance that hard. Like, you can't eat that much.

[Hannah Burner]

Dude. This is something I've been saying for years. One of. One of the craziest things is that our. Our most hyper masculine, like, macho, like, examples of manhood.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

Every time you see them do an end zone dance, you need to remember.

[Caleb Herron]

They practice that they asked their friend, is this good?

[Hannah Burner]

They looked. They looked in the mirror with a Friend in the locker room, probably shirtless in their underwear. And they're like, what if I did this?

[Caleb Herron]

Seven, eight. And again, again.

[Hannah Burner]

And they asked their buddy, would that eat? And he said yes. And then when they do a group one, like when someone, like, pretends to bowl and it knocks over all the other guys, they had to go to their buddies at practice and be like, hey, if I get a touchdown this week, I was thinking we'd do bowling.

[Caleb Herron]

No, they had it.

[Hannah Burner]

That is so. There's an Arab tree in the Vatican.

[Caleb Herron]

No, they had a group text.

[Hannah Burner]

Yes, yes.

[Caleb Herron]

Where they said, can you come to practice 40 minutes early? Cuz we need to hit every beat.

[Hannah Burner]

Yes. Can you guys stick around after practice today? I want to practice. Bowling celebration.

[Caleb Herron]

I literally see them being like, james, can I talk to you for a second?

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

You're not committed to the bit.

[Hannah Burner]

So when I tell you to be a bowling pin and fall over, what does that mean to you?

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah. What is your motive right now? Because it's clearly not this.

[Hannah Burner]

I'm not seeing the commitment. I'm not seeing the dedication. You're not making the pyramid.

[Caleb Herron]

But this is the thing. Let them go. Like, let them live.

[Hannah Burner]

Let them be gay.

[Caleb Herron]

Because it's like, they can do certain dances, but if, like, they go too hard, they're like, okay, now it's exposing.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

Also the whole concept of calling a guy a tight end when. No, I get it. If it's like, loose end, tight end, wide end. No, it's all running back, quarterback, fullback.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

Tight end. Seems like some gay guy in the back just like, put it in.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

And no one said, we'll see what happens. We'll see what happens. And they were like, we love it.

[Hannah Burner]

Me and me. One thing. There are, like a couple of areas of debate where me and like, the straightest, most Republican guy you know are like this. And one of them is, we need to bring back football. Being violent and nasty. Let those boys taunt. Let them celebrate.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

Let them hit people they're not supposed to hit when they're not supposed to hit them.

[Caleb Herron]

I want them all to have Britney Spears mics. I want to know the little shit they whisper to each other after hit. Like, yeah, you like that?

[Hannah Burner]

They are mic'd up sometimes. You ever watch those?

[Caleb Herron]

Yes.

[Hannah Burner]

Go on YouTube and search mic'd up. NFL best moments.

[Caleb Herron]

But it does get me upset because then you see the CTE in full effect.

[Hannah Burner]

Totally. And here's what I'm saying.

[Caleb Herron]

Either I was like, that's not a word either.

[Hannah Burner]

We're getting rid of football because we're scared of cte. Either. Either we're getting rid of it, which I would live with. Or if we're doing violence. If we're doing violence as entertainment. Let's fudgeing. Do it.

[Caleb Herron]

Lean it. Go full gladiator.

[Hannah Burner]

Stop with the guardian thing, the fucking shields. Stop with the penalties for taunting. If we're doing violence, let's do violence.

[Caleb Herron]

Let them have swords.

[Hannah Burner]

Let them have swords. Let them have brass knuckles. I don't care. It's like that's their choice. Like, let them play. Let the boys play.

[Caleb Herron]

We. Did you ever play football?

[Hannah Burner]

I did.

[Caleb Herron]

Because it's giving Green Bay Packer lineman sturdy.

[Hannah Burner]

Thank you.

[Caleb Herron]

Like, strong. Like you're. I didn't realize when I walked in. Like, you're tall.

[Hannah Burner]

Thank you. Do you want to feel my muscles?

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

Okay.

[Caleb Herron]

Well, was the last time a girl felt your muscles, like a week ago?

[Hannah Burner]

You got this guy with.

[Caleb Herron]

Wait, No. I knew it. I saw athlete in you.

[Hannah Burner]

Clip that.

[Caleb Herron]

I saw that.

[Hannah Burner]

Clip that.

[Caleb Herron]

I saw athlete.

[Hannah Burner]

I'm low key strong.

[Caleb Herron]

Have you like beat up a bitch before?

[Hannah Burner]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm beating people up all the time.

[Caleb Herron]

I can see you like shoving.

[Hannah Burner]

No. Well, sometimes on the train.

[Caleb Herron]

Because here's what I'll say when a pregnant woman tries to take your seat.

[Hannah Burner]

It's like, stand up.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

I didn't get you pregnant.

[Caleb Herron]

No, that's not.

[Hannah Burner]

Sorry. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Obviously. I'm kidding. I'm kidding, guys.

[Caleb Herron]

Every pregnant woman online you don't support.

[Hannah Burner]

It'S like you're elderly. Sorry. Congratulations. The privileges that you're still with us. Sorry.

[Caleb Herron]

We're pro abortion.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah. Whoops. Sorry. I'm a woman's right to choose.

[Caleb Herron]

Sorry.

[Hannah Burner]

You had. You had a choice. You didn't make it. Now stand up decision. No. When you're fat on the train, when you're fat on public transit, people feel so comfortable, like pushing and elbowing you. They like think that you're also an idiot. Like you don't know how to move. I'm like, I am trying to move. There are people in my way. I'm 6 foot 2 and 350 pounds.

[Caleb Herron]

Wait.

[Hannah Burner]

Hot.

[Caleb Herron]

Take the subway. Seats are not wide enough for anyone.

[Hannah Burner]

No.

[Caleb Herron]

Cuz I'm like, I have a booty.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

I have child. What is it called? Child bearing hips.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah. I've been saying that about you.

[Caleb Herron]

We all thought it when I walked in.

[Hannah Burner]

That about you.

[Caleb Herron]

And when I sit down, I'm like, I don't need my hips rubbing against someone else's hips when I'm just trying to go to work.

[Hannah Burner]

Here's what I'm saying. If we made. I mean, disability activists have been saying this forever. If we made the whole world accessible for fat and also disabled people.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

It would only make everyone's lives better. Thin people would benefit from fat infrastructure. Like, if you would stop making the fucking plane seats this big, then people would also benefit from that comfort. It doesn't make any sense. It's silly.

[Caleb Herron]

It doesn't make any sense. I also am guilty of, like, I bloat very easily not to brag. Some people are getting jealous.

[Hannah Burner]

You're just like me, for real.

[Caleb Herron]

And I don't know why I bloat. Like, I'll eat a whole rotisserie chicken or I'll, like, sniff a chip. Like, I don't know what the re. And it's not my business why, Like, I'm not.

[Hannah Burner]

You said the chicken part. I was like, it's probably just the sodium, but.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah, but, like, it's literally anything. And I'm not. What am I gonna do? Like, what's that thing where people take out stuff from their diet? Like, you live once.

[Hannah Burner]

No, I'm not doing that. I'm not. Slowly.

[Caleb Herron]

I'm not a social experiment. I'm just trying to survive. So I'll. I'll blow. And I realize, like, if you just put your hand below the bloat, like, you're a full. You look like a fertile angel.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

So I'll be on the subway and just be like, excuse me, I need.

[Hannah Burner]

To say you're a pregnant queen. Yeah. Yeah. And you should. That's your right. I'm dead serious. That's your right. Don't ever stop.

[Caleb Herron]

And also, at any time, I could be pregnant.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah. That's so completely true about you.

[Caleb Herron]

And that's just, like, womanhood.

[Hannah Burner]

You're married.

[Caleb Herron]

It's so off brand for me.

[Hannah Burner]

It's really insane. When I learned that, I was like, that doesn't match.

[Caleb Herron]

No.

[Hannah Burner]

No offense.

[Caleb Herron]

No, it wasn't in. It wasn't in my ch. It wasn't supposed to happen. I met a guy during COVID Crazy. And people make crazy decisions during COVID Yeah, but he's. He's really, like, a good one, where he's, like, my partner in crime and supportive and, like, it's. It's nice.

[Hannah Burner]

You. Where'd you go? How'd you meet during COVID Is this.

[Caleb Herron]

I feel like it's so cheugy. That I'm married.

[Hannah Burner]

It's really cheugy. No, like, it's not a good look.

[Caleb Herron]

It's actually a slur.

[Hannah Burner]

No, being married is like. I'm not saying I thought less of you when I went.

[Caleb Herron]

No, like, your eyes, like, thought differently. Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

You lost all respect.

[Hannah Burner]

My eyes narrowed a little bit where I was like, oh.

[Caleb Herron]

And I'm not trying to be. Like, I never wanted to get married, but, like, it wasn't the best night of my life. It wasn't a goal for me.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

I just feel like if you find someone that enhances your life. Awesome.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

And I happen to. And he's older, so he will die soon, so it's not like a full commitment.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah, that'd be nice. When he goes.

[Caleb Herron]

I mean, when you meet a guy in his 30s, he has way too much energy, way too much time.

[Hannah Burner]

Does he have Irish citizenship?

[Caleb Herron]

He's Irish, yes.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

So. Well, he actually is. He was born in the uk, lived in New York, then moved to Ireland. So, yeah, he's. We can leave at any time.

[Hannah Burner]

Not Irish.

[Caleb Herron]

He's. He's Irish American, so he's from Queens. He talks like a trucker.

[Hannah Burner]

Does he have any other citizenship that you could cash in on? I'm just trying to look out for you.

[Caleb Herron]

No. Yeah. No, no. Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

Nice.

[Caleb Herron]

There's. There's reasons.

[Hannah Burner]

Does he have assets that will be bequeathed to you if. When he passes?

[Caleb Herron]

I believe so.

[Hannah Burner]

Nice.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah, that's the word. When he passes.

[Hannah Burner]

There's no reason to marry a man if he doesn't have stuff to leave you.

[Caleb Herron]

100.

[Hannah Burner]

I just said I feel that way.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah. Well, it's like, what value are you bringing?

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

What's your dowry? For me?

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah, exactly.

[Caleb Herron]

It is not to quote the great Bethany Frankel.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah. Not to do that.

[Caleb Herron]

My money is my money. Your money is my money.

[Hannah Burner]

Exactly. Correct.

[Caleb Herron]

Because I had to work harder for it.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah. I think all the time about if I have.

[Caleb Herron]

If.

[Hannah Burner]

If I have money when I die, like, if I have stuff to give away.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

I really do think I would be one of those, like, if I was ever a rich, rich, rich, rich, rich, rich, rich, rich person.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

I think I'd be one of those people who gave it away to, like, strangers.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

What? My kids who did nothing.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah. I love when I hear that they're, like, they didn't give it to the kids, and the kids are upset. But you know what's more fucked up is when they give it to the pet.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

That's like. That's Some petty shit.

[Hannah Burner]

I'm like, so weird, goofy bullshit. Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

Do you have any pets?

[Hannah Burner]

No, I can't. I want to. I love dogs, but I just am never. I'm never in one place. And it's people when I say this. People always, like, get a small dog. It can go with you.

[Caleb Herron]

What do I look like to you, Paris Hilton?

[Hannah Burner]

That would piss me. Do you know how hard it is. Do you know how hard it is for me to presently show up to the things I'm supposed to go to? Could you imagine me adding a Chihuahua into the mirror?

[Caleb Herron]

My favorite is. I mean, not a lot of comics have it, but if they come with a dog and then they go on stage and like, whoever the opener is, it's like, you're. You're a father now.

[Hannah Burner]

You're watching the dog. Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

Which look, I like. It's probably more pleasant than hanging out with some comedians.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

But, yeah, you'd have to take it on the plane.

[Hannah Burner]

And there's some older comics in LA who have gotten a really nice deal where when they do Largo, they always request to go up, like, second, and they're like, I got to get home to the cats. They need shots or something. I'm like. They got like, some backstory about the pets that I'm like, you know what? I. You could just be honest and say you don't want to watch the other sets and you want to go home. You've put in your. Your time.

[Caleb Herron]

So I have a cat, Butter shot up.

[Hannah Burner]

Butter shot.

[Caleb Herron]

Who was. She got. Someone gave me a gift, and it was full of catnip toys, and I was like, butter, you ready to go fucking buck wild tonight? And I, like. I threw all the. I thought I was like, the best mom ever. She woke me up at 5am tonight, and she never does that. Yeah, I'm like, what? I'm talking. My husband. I'm like, even me saying, husband's weird. But I'm like, what's going on? And then I'm like, this is high as a kite right now. So apparently you have to supervise them when they play with their catnip toys. So I have to take Butter to rehab. Have tomorrow.

[Hannah Burner]

She's. I'm sorry.

[Caleb Herron]

Do you know what catnip is?

[Hannah Burner]

I fully thought it was food.

[Caleb Herron]

It's basically like. I fully thought it was a natural crack for cats. But, like, you give them a toy and they're just like, yeah, this is fun. But my cats, like, went too hard last night. She has. I thought she would just take a Hit and chill.

[Hannah Burner]

She's an addict.

[Caleb Herron]

She's an addict.

[Hannah Burner]

She's a problem. Yeah, that's okay. Many people have a problem. The opposite of addiction is community. So just be there for her.

[Caleb Herron]

And I came on this pod to raise awareness about catnip addiction.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

And watch out for it, dude.

[Hannah Burner]

It would be so cool as an anim if your owner gave you drugs like you have no other way to get it.

[Caleb Herron]

That's what I said. I was like, you're welcome. And then she woke me up all night.

[Hannah Burner]

You have no other way to get it. It's like, yeah, your owner has to be cool as. Or else you have to be sober your whole life.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah. Or. But I also feel like she was like, I'm not partying alone. Yeah, that was her vibe. She's like, this is getting sad looking.

[Hannah Burner]

She was like, get up. This is a bad look.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

She's like, I'm turning. Let's go out.

[Caleb Herron]

She. And I was like, mom is old. Like, let her stay in.

[Hannah Burner]

She's like, get up, girl. We're only young ones. She's really like.

[Caleb Herron]

She said, yolo. We're going to go to the Kitch. Then we're going to go to the living room.

[Hannah Burner]

She said. She said, kill your fudgeing husband, bitch. We're going out.

[Caleb Herron]

Another wake up this morning. This bitch is passed out.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

Can't wake her up. And I'm like, glad you had fun.

[Hannah Burner]

She's on the comedown.

[Caleb Herron]

I was like, mom is going on so true in the morning and now I'm tired of shit.

[Hannah Burner]

She's fudgeing, Shaking. Yeah. She's going to be, like, going through fucking withdrawals like Joaquin Phoenix and walk the lines.

[Caleb Herron]

Her makeup's everywhere.

[Hannah Burner]

Fucking shaking and crying. She's like, please, just a little to even me out. You're like, stop, Stop. You have a problem. Butter quit.

[Caleb Herron]

It's this pink squid toy, too. Like, it's actually cunty. Like she's just tossing it around.

[Hannah Burner]

What's not so cute when she ruins her life about it?

[Caleb Herron]

She's lost her job. She's lost her family.

[Hannah Burner]

At this point during butter, there's $20 missing from my purse. Did you steal from me to score? She's like, you're a crazy bitch. I would never do that.

[Caleb Herron]

I go, you push away all the people who are.

[Hannah Burner]

No, but it's not funny. Addiction is very serious. You have to understand we're talking about a cat before you get upset with us.

[Caleb Herron]

I love how after every joke you.

[Hannah Burner]

Have to go, no.

[Caleb Herron]

And that was a bet, guys.

[Hannah Burner]

We're kidding. That's a cat we're talking about.

[Caleb Herron]

Oh, God, I'm so happy. I got to bring butter up.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah, that's a new affect I'm trying out for the show today, where after every joke I go, guys, that is how it feels sometime though, don't you feel. I mean, you podcast. Don't you feel sometimes that, like, you could say truly anything and some of these dumb morons will be like, they'll just take anything seriously? Do you ever feel like you need.

[Caleb Herron]

To clarify everything I say? I do think we. We recently were talking about Amber Alerts.

[Hannah Burner]

I don't know why. That's pretty funny to me. But yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

And just like, how, like, the second you're trying to do something probably stupid, like, I'm like, just. Just refreshing my Instagram and then an Amber Alert comes up and you're like, wow, you just up my entire day. Because that. That scared me. And there's a kid. And then. Yeah, that people didn't like that.

[Hannah Burner]

People were mad about that. I think what would be cool is if every single person alive got to use the Ember alert system for personal reasons. One time you get to cash in one in your lifetime.

[Caleb Herron]

Well, we were like, first of all, it's always the dad.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

Also, why does everyone on the Citizen app have a machete?

[Hannah Burner]

Citizen app? What is this? Is that like, next door?

[Caleb Herron]

Don't get it.

[Hannah Burner]

Okay.

[Caleb Herron]

It's. It's like I don't participate in any of that because I have high functioning anxiety. Like, I wake up and I feel it. I don't need to get reminded of, like, everything that's going wrong in the city.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

So like, people's moms make them download the Citizen app when they move to New York for the first time.

[Hannah Burner]

Oh, okay. Yeah. So it's one of those.

[Caleb Herron]

See, yeah, I'm a New Yorker. I'm like, welcome to the party.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

So it alerts you of stuff going on. So it just seems like every day outside your door is like a rogue man with a machete.

[Hannah Burner]

I didn't get this version of Caucasian. Like, there's. There's a white person tendency towards, like, Facebook groups about neighborhood watching and next door and this. I'm like, I don't care.

[Caleb Herron]

You are missing the fuck out. Because the lore of a local neighborhood Facebook group is better than any TMZ I did.

[Hannah Burner]

Here's what I'll tell you. I did it once. When I first moved to Chicago, I joined a neighborhood Facebook group, and it was just A bunch of white people basically alerting me that black and brown people exist. No. They're like, there's a black guy on the block. I was like, yeah, I know that guy. I'm. I'm not really concerned about that.

[Caleb Herron]

Like, community drama being like, the coffee shop opened and their matcha tastes like shit.

[Hannah Burner]

No.

[Caleb Herron]

And then they'll be like, so and so. Like, just really, like, drama of the community of people who know each other and trying to, like, low key, take each other down.

[Hannah Burner]

You should do an app that's only that I don't want to hear from. I don't want to hear conservatives about crime.

[Caleb Herron]

They decided, like, to use. Use this bush and plant this type of bush. And then people are like, do you know my dog is allergic to that kind of bush? Like, that's the kind of. And like, it gets heightened.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

The drama is intense.

[Hannah Burner]

What? I have a question for you.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

You're born and raised in Brooklyn.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

Born and raised New Yorker.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

What do you. I keep. I keep getting served a lot of videos about transplants. What do you. What do you make? What do you make of it? What do you think of all these people moving? These new kind of. I do feel like there's a new kind of person moving to New York.

[Caleb Herron]

What do you think?

[Hannah Burner]

I think it used to be New York used to be for freaks and weirdos and artists.

[Caleb Herron]

Yes.

[Hannah Burner]

And gay people and people who didn't fit in where they were from.

[Caleb Herron]

Yes.

[Hannah Burner]

And now I feel that there are a bunch of, like, sorority girls and fraternity presidents moving here. Not that there wasn't always like a sauce.

[Caleb Herron]

An influencer moved here and posted a couple things and got punched in the face and got some traction.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah. And now they're like, I need to New York shout out to whoever you're talking about. I don't know who that is.

[Caleb Herron]

Iconic. So I try to. I'm not. This is not my battle to fight. You know, I'm fighting a lot of inner demons.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah. You got your own shit going on.

[Caleb Herron]

I like. I like addicts.

[Hannah Burner]

You've got anxiety. Yeah. Your cat's on the fucking brain. You can't be worried about Jessica from Oklahoma.

[Caleb Herron]

No. I try to be empowering. I like to be like, if you live in New York and you're surviving here, I accept you.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

I'm very like, you're a New Yorker. When you ask me where I'm from and I say Brooklyn, do I think I'm better than you?

[Hannah Burner]

Yes, of course.

[Caleb Herron]

And that's, again, out of my control.

[Hannah Burner]

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[Caleb Herron]

But I like to be like, if you're here and you're fucking surviving, like, especially people like I've been here five years, whatever. I'm like, welcome babe. Like you're part of us. We're a melting pot. We're a community. Like that's what New York City is. Yeah, I don't like when like I'll meet a comic who's like, yeah, I'm a Brooklyn comic. And they like judge me and I'm like, babe, yeah, I'm a Brooklyn comic.

[Hannah Burner]

I'm a Brooklyn comic. I'm from Brooklyn.

[Caleb Herron]

I'm from Brooklyn.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

And but yeah, I, I love like accepting New Yorkers. I'm also a weird New Yorker. We're like, I like la. Oh, do I talk shit about it? Yes. Yeah, but am I like, I'm not comparing la. Like, they're equal. I'm more, like, cute.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

Like, I can appreciate if anything, you're.

[Hannah Burner]

Comparing LA to, like, Palm Springs. It's like. It's like it's on its own little access that gets compared to other things. Doesn't get compared to New York.

[Caleb Herron]

Exactly. Like, I'm. I'm not competitive with it. I'm like, it's gorgeous. Stunning, beautiful. Could I live there? Maybe not. Because I don't have a driver's license because I'm from New York.

[Hannah Burner]

You have never gotten a driver's license.

[Caleb Herron]

No. No, wait. I did.

[Hannah Burner]

I'd like to teach you how to drive if you ever need. If you ever need help with that.

[Caleb Herron]

Caleb, I would love that, because I did have a driver's license. My dad made me get it at 24 years old, but I ended it by, like, ramming the curb. Yeah, but the lady already passed me. Yeah, get out the car. My dad's like, no.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

And I'm like, that. She passed me. And he's like, you shouldn't be out. King. Like, no. He was like, king.

[Hannah Burner]

He said no.

[Caleb Herron]

He said no.

[Hannah Burner]

He's a.

[Caleb Herron]

Hey, you know, some dads, you're like, you're perfect. My dad was like, you were a flawed individual, and you should not be out in these streets. It's unsafe for people. Which is so valid.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

So I never really had the confidence. And then during COVID I didn't know I had to click a button to renew it because I'm not a fucking woman in stem. And I lost it. And then.

[Hannah Burner]

You're not Marie Curie.

[Caleb Herron]

So then I. I tried to get my license again, and I failed the test, which is disappointing. And then I got in my head about it.

[Hannah Burner]

No, we can get you out of there. When I got my driver's license, I was 16. I've been driving since I was, like, 13, but I. When I got my driver's license, I.

[Caleb Herron]

Just envisioned you, like, smoking a cig, like, picking up people. That's iconic.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

Thirteen.

[Hannah Burner]

There's, like, farmer's licenses. Like, kids can drive if they live on a farm, and I didn't have one. But if you were driving at that age, like, sometimes. Sometimes the cops would just assume you had one. And so I. Yeah, I was driving when I was like.

[Caleb Herron]

Did you have to, like, move corn around or something?

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah, basically. That's pretty. Yeah. That's pretty much it.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

You have. Yeah, you have to, like, you need to be able to move a vehicle from point A to point B because you're working on the seeds. Yeah, the seeds, of course, the yields. The yields, etc, what you've reaped and sewn, etc, period. But I. When I got my driver's license, the. There was like a snowstorm. My birthday's in January, and so my mom had taken the day off work, and she was like, I took off work. We got to find a way to make this happen. I can't take off work again. And so my town wasn't doing the driver's test that day because there was too much snow. But a town, like an hour and a half over that I hadn't spent a lot of time in was doing them. My mom's like, we're going to drive over there and try to get your license. So we went over there and I had to do the driver's test in a town I'm not familiar with. So I didn't understand, like, some of the one ways and some of the stuff. I. I think you have to get like a. I don't know what it was. Maybe you had to get like a 70% to pass or something. The woman literally, I think I got like, two points shy of it. It. And I was like, we, like, finished it. And I was like, I don't know what to do. Like, my mom took off work. I'm not gonna be able to get my license for a year. I, like, I have a job. Like, I need to wait.

[Caleb Herron]

You literally were like, I'm adorable.

[Hannah Burner]

I was like, I'm a single father. I was like, I need to be able to drive to my job at Golden Corral.

[Caleb Herron]

You go, Carol, Carol, hear me out.

[Hannah Burner]

She passed me. She added. She added four points. She added four points. I'm so upset.

[Caleb Herron]

Mess with you. I love how you. You go, this is why I brought you here today. I go, what you just saw is not a reflection of my character.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah. I was like, this is not who I am. This is, you know, my swag, not my story. I was like, I need four points. And she did it. She was like, oh, okay.

[Caleb Herron]

You go. Have you ever been. Has anyone ever gone down on you?

[Hannah Burner]

Karen, car. Hey. What do you need? There's lots of different ways that people can show appreciation for things. How's your day going, Karen?

[Caleb Herron]

I like your hair.

[Hannah Burner]

I love the way you look, girl.

[Caleb Herron]

The half updo.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

Murdering.

[Hannah Burner]

This job seems tough. You probably need help relaxing Every once in a while.

[Caleb Herron]

Have you ever tried a foot massage? There's pressure points.

[Hannah Burner]

You ever been with a young man? You ever been with a young man who spends his days decorating cakes at Golden Corral? It takes an intricate and gentle hand.

[Caleb Herron]

You go, you know, I'm hairless.

[Hannah Burner]

Come on. What are you into? I just hit puberty. Shit's wild over here. My energy is crazy.

[Caleb Herron]

She's like, I will give you four points to get out the. Out of this car.

[Hannah Burner]

And she did.

[Caleb Herron]

It's. It's funny because when I took my driver's license test again, I don't even know what it's called as I'm just. It's chaos House. The guy looks at me and he goes, you passed this before. And I was like, I don't need the shade.

[Hannah Burner]

Hey.

[Caleb Herron]

Like, I'm clearly fighting for my life here in this car.

[Hannah Burner]

He's like, I am too. He's like, we're. We're all fighting for our lives. If you're behind the wheel, we got it.

[Caleb Herron]

As I buckle up, honey, I just feel like they're not rooting for me. Like, I want positive energy around me at all times. And I get in, I feel like the guy's like, first of all, he's like, she's a woman.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

And that's a battle that, like.

[Hannah Burner]

Like, yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

And then I'm trying to be out here fighting for female pilots, but I can't even drive. And, like, it's been difficult for me because I should. I don't know if I should drive.

[Hannah Burner]

Sorry. I'm gonna cry. The bravery that you're. I promise I wouldn't cry. Sorry.

[Caleb Herron]

You didn't cry over my cat literally relapsing.

[Hannah Burner]

I didn't care about that. I just. The bravery you're exhibiting in being a woman. Like, thank you for. For being a woman. And speaking on that.

[Caleb Herron]

Thank you.

[Hannah Burner]

Because women, to me are like. Like, you know.

[Caleb Herron]

Well, like, a lot of. I. I do. Not to talk about pilots.

[Hannah Burner]

Obviously not to talk about pilots so much. People are always accusing me of this.

[Caleb Herron]

I bring it up every time I see you.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

But I feel like we need more empathy over the mic.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

Do you ever feel like the male pilots, they. They'll be like, we're delayed, and then, like, don't communicate with you?

[Hannah Burner]

Well, the way that the mail. I have a lot of problems with flying. I do it often enough to have, like, a lot of opinions on it.

[Caleb Herron]

I mean, y. That's all my opinions.

[Hannah Burner]

And for. I think for, you know, I think Some people don't care. But I'll just. When a male pilot comes over, first of all. Male pilot, Whoa.

[Caleb Herron]

I, I. You have the same mail pilot.

[Hannah Burner]

You know, to have those words together.

[Caleb Herron]

You have the same m. Pilot. When they come over, one said sorry for.

[Hannah Burner]

They go, they go, hey, this your captain speaking. Yeah. Going to be 45 minutes till we push back. Just kind of how it is. The, the, the skies are what they are today and got to get approval from the tower and, you know, we'll, we'll get you out of here when we can. Thanks for choosing Delta. I'm like, jesus Christ.

[Caleb Herron]

Always try to throw in, like, a little joke, and you're like, not in the mood. And I'm like, start a podcast or crash this plane. Leave me alone.

[Hannah Burner]

Do you know what I do love, though? I love a gay flight attendant who's doing too much.

[Caleb Herron]

See the stewardess. That is my entertainment.

[Hannah Burner]

I don't think you're supposed to call them that.

[Caleb Herron]

Oh, sorry, sorry. The steward. I.

[Hannah Burner]

When it's plural. Steward. I did. I stood. Yeah, you're over.

[Caleb Herron]

I feel like they identify as stewardesses, though. Have you ever met a steward, dude?

[Hannah Burner]

Flight attendant. Flight attendant. Because I go, Twitter is about to go off on you. You don't want to get on the wrong side of flight attendant Twitter. They've got those ascots wrapped tight. They're up there. They're upset, dude.

[Caleb Herron]

I.

[Hannah Burner]

It's not been the same since COVID Am I right?

[Caleb Herron]

Flight attendants, I like when they're annoyed.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

Cuz I. When they're nice, I'm like, you're too good to us. Like, yeah. You also, like, you don't even tip them.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

Like, everyone, including, you know, the barista who didn't do anything is getting tipped, but a flight attendant who's fucking, like, taking care of you so much, they don't get tips.

[Hannah Burner]

Well, a lot of them don't act like they wanted to.

[Caleb Herron]

I love when they judge.

[Hannah Burner]

You wanted to.

[Caleb Herron]

Flight attendants, I love when they judge my order. I'm like, orange juice. And they're like, it's 3pm and they're like, ice. And I'm like, yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

And they're like, like, you, you fool.

[Caleb Herron]

I was like, they don't give me enough good options. Like, I want a fun drink. Like, I want like a, a lavender green tea. But like, they don't have it.

[Hannah Burner]

I, I will say me, and I would say 98% of fight attendants I have. We, we form a special connection.

[Caleb Herron]

Wow.

[Hannah Burner]

I really do love them. We get so Close. I like to ask them little. I like to ask them inside baseball questions.

[Caleb Herron]

You like to be their favorite.

[Hannah Burner]

I go. I go, oh, this is my. I'm like, this. Like, I can't help. I want to be.

[Caleb Herron]

Everyone's like, he says something, looks at you, and you give him the look. Like, that was good.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah, like, yeah, like, I'll get on and I'll be like, like, if there's a. If there's been a delay or something, I'll be like, I'll be like, but you guys have had better days.

[Caleb Herron]

You go, full dead joke.

[Hannah Burner]

Disgusting.

[Caleb Herron]

You have the same jokes every flight.

[Hannah Burner]

I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, do you guys get. Do you guys get to go home after this? Or you stand. You stand over somewhere and they're like. They're like, ah, yeah. 12 hour. 12 hour stay in Chicago.

[Caleb Herron]

Head back to Atlanta baseball.

[Hannah Burner]

I go back to Atlanta. You Braves fan, you. I'm like, there's something wrong with me.

[Caleb Herron]

Wait, so he's going through everyone, but the way he sees you, he's like, caleb.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah. Truly.

[Caleb Herron]

You know that. You have a handshake with him.

[Hannah Burner]

One of my. One of my greatest joys in life is that I've gotten a lot of. You know, when a flight attendant likes you, they can write you a note on a postcard and give it to you. I've gotten a lot of those.

[Caleb Herron]

Have you gotten the. They put all the snacks in the Ziploc. Yeah, that shit.

[Hannah Burner]

I've never gotten wings, though. I think they only do it for kids.

[Caleb Herron]

Oh, no. Oh, interesting. But if I get it and I go, no wings.

[Hannah Burner]

No wings. Yeah, I do want wings. I do want them to say, you're. I want to be a member of the Delta family. Family.

[Caleb Herron]

I'm a huge proponent of Delta headphones.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

Because I don't believe in Bluetooth. I think it's kind of.

[Hannah Burner]

Be careful. Just be careful. Just be careful. Because we had a guest recently who floated some ideas and hey, just. I'm just gonna tell you, be careful. That's all I'm gonna say.

[Caleb Herron]

You go, don't float any ideas on this.

[Hannah Burner]

I got scared for you. I got scared for you.

[Caleb Herron]

I believe in science. Where do I believe in science?

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah, I would just stick with that.

[Caleb Herron]

I think with blue, I just feel like someone's going to, like, be like, hello? Like, someone's going to come in.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

To it. And also, I lose it all the time. So I've also, you know, like, the frat boys that had the, like, I don't know. I don't trust. I don't like it. Yeah, it looks lame to me.

[Hannah Burner]

It's cool. Yeah, looking lame is totally cool. I just went to a really dark place because I remembered I tried. I tried at a cafe recently. Like, this week, there's a cafe where I'm friendly with the people who work there. And I open my Spotify to play music into my headphones while I was working. And the jam for the.

[Caleb Herron]

Do you have AirPods or headphones?

[Hannah Burner]

I do the AirPod Max.

[Caleb Herron]

Okay. Those I'm okay with.

[Hannah Burner]

Okay.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

Thank you. It's different, but I, I, the, The jam popped up that was like, do you want to join? You know, so and so. I don't want to say his name, but the barista whose name I know, do you want to join his jam? And so I could control the music in the cafe, and I did. I, like, hopped on and added a song, and I, I thought it'd be funny. And I, I, I'm, like, smiling at him, and he looks at me and goes.

[Caleb Herron]

I like, totally, your privileges, I.

[Hannah Burner]

Think, because I changed the vibe a little bit, but I thought it was, like, fun.

[Caleb Herron]

What vibe did you change it to?

[Hannah Burner]

Well, he was playing, like, he was playing like, like dancy. Like, dancy kind of like salsa music.

[Caleb Herron]

Okay.

[Hannah Burner]

And I did put on. While I put on Big Thief, but. And I just said I didn't. It didn't play. I thought it was gonna be funny. Be like, oh, my God, what if we were listening to Big Thief now instead?

[Caleb Herron]

Wait, should we make DJing the coffee shop a thing?

[Hannah Burner]

Dude, I would. Let's L. Literally, me and you, let's dj a coffee.

[Caleb Herron]

9Am so and so's djing. We gotta come through.

[Hannah Burner]

Meet me at Prima. Yeah, me and Hannah. Me and Hannah are gonna be on the phone. We're gonna be spinning at Prima. I'm just, I'm just, I'm just putting on Big Thief over and over again. I'm like, y' all are gonna listen to the Fruit bats and enjoy it.

[Caleb Herron]

What's your opinion on DJs?

[Hannah Burner]

DJs? I don't.

[Caleb Herron]

You got scared.

[Hannah Burner]

I don't care much about them. There's a couple that I like. I, I. If you're not trans, you shouldn't be a dj, is my opinion. If you're not a doll, it's like, only dolls should be dj. They have an innate understanding of what music can and should be.

[Caleb Herron]

Yes.

[Hannah Burner]

If you're not a doll, get off.

[Caleb Herron]

Doll. Dj.

[Hannah Burner]

Doll dj. That's it if you're not a doll.

[Caleb Herron]

Dj, doll, dj.

[Hannah Burner]

And I'm not like, even trans masks. I'm sorry, brother. You can't be back there.

[Caleb Herron]

Okay, so it's specifically a doll.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah, Specifically a doll.

[Caleb Herron]

I love that.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah. I'm sorry to Emmett and Liam, but you guys need to hop off.

[Caleb Herron]

Names are being thrown around.

[Hannah Burner]

That's just any trans guy. Yeah. No, I'm like, sorry, brother. I love you to death.

[Caleb Herron]

Death.

[Hannah Burner]

I respect you more than you'll ever know. You need to let the dolls back there. It's just. It's how it is.

[Caleb Herron]

I just envisioned us DJing a coffee shop while snorting catnip and, like, it was lit.

[Hannah Burner]

I do think we should.

[Caleb Herron]

I had a vision.

[Hannah Burner]

I think actually DJing a coffee shop would be a really fun something for us. We could do something really fun with that.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah, we're touring.

[Hannah Burner]

Promo for something.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

It's like how Trixie does solid pink disco. We do a coffee shop version where I'm just playing, like, acoustic covers.

[Caleb Herron]

People are just in the bathroom shitting themselves.

[Hannah Burner]

I do prefer that. Yeah, I would prefer that over, like, a dance party or a rave. I'm like, obviously, just come to the coffee shop. We'll have some lattes together.

[Caleb Herron]

Like, welcome to your 30s.

[Hannah Burner]

Today's episode is brought to you by Alma. Alma's on a mission to simplify access to high quality, affordable mental health care. Alma has built a community of over 20,000 diverse therapists. Therapists on the platform offer both in person and virtual care. While online tools and resources can be a useful starting point or supplement. Human relationships are an irreplaceable part of mental health care. ALMA can help you find someone who will work with you on your specific needs and goals and support you in making real progress and improving your mental health. Love, Alma also makes things real simple. To find a therapist, some people turn to impersonal online resources like forums or chatbots. Oh, my God. Because they think finding a therapist is expensive and difficult. Well, think again. The directory makes it easy to find therapists that take your insurance and meet your unique needs with filters like gender, race, therapeutic approach, and more. Know the cost of your sessions up front using Alma's Cost Estimator tool. At Alma, 97% of therapists accept insurance, including Aetna, Cigna and more. Better with people, better with Alma. Visit helloalma.com SOTRU to get started and schedule a free consultation today. That's hellaalma.com SOTrue Thanks, Alma. I'm not big on trends. But I am big on clothes that feel good and last. So check out Quince. Their lightweight layers and high quality staples can work for you as everyday essentials. Folks, summer's upon us. So it's time to spruce up those wardrobes and look good. Having some fun in the sun. Quince has all the things you actually want to wear this summer. Like organic cotton silk polos, European linen beach shorts and comfortable pants that work for everything from backyard hangs to nice dinners. The best part, Caleb. What's the best part? Everything with Quince is half the cost of similar brands. By working directly with top artisans and cutting out the middlemen, Quince gives you luxury pieces without the markups. And Quince only works with factories that use safe, ethical and responsible manufacturing practices and premium fabrics and finishes. We love that. I personally love my merino crew socks I got from Quints a while back. I wear them all the time and they still feel like brand new. I just love my socks. My socks make me feel like a full person. If anything, I would say my socks are who I am and I got them from Quince. Stick to the staples that last with elevated essentials from quince. Go to quince.com SOTrue for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com so true. To get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com so true. I was never a barista.

[Caleb Herron]

I love how you're like, this is going to be the craziest thing you've ever heard. I was never a priest.

[Hannah Burner]

I have regret about it.

[Caleb Herron]

Well, baristas. It's an art.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

Like you have to have actual skill.

[Hannah Burner]

It's a real skill. And I have. I have regret about never being a barista. It was never one of my survival jobs.

[Caleb Herron]

I never trusted myself to be a barista. I have very thick fingers and I feel like I would up. And you're. It's one thing when people are drunk and you're up. People's orders at a bartender. They don't know.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

This is setting up people's day for success or failure.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

And that's too much to have on my shoulders.

[Hannah Burner]

There's two occupations I have never dabbled in because I respect them too much. One is musicians. One is baristas. I never touched it. I stayed out of there.

[Caleb Herron]

I was a good host.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

Like it came in and I was warm.

[Hannah Burner]

I know you were.

[Caleb Herron]

And then I was doing some side deals. I was like, you guys are three, but I could get you in a two time up.

[Hannah Burner]

Whoa.

[Caleb Herron]

You sit at the corner.

[Hannah Burner]

Whoa.

[Caleb Herron]

Like I was.

[Hannah Burner]

You were crowding.

[Caleb Herron]

I was doing some illegal.

[Hannah Burner]

You're brokering deals. You're making happen.

[Caleb Herron]

A guy gave me a 20 and I was like, oh, this is not going towards my taxes, dude.

[Hannah Burner]

In my hometown, there was only an Applebee's.

[Caleb Herron]

Wait, I'm. I'm obsessed with our upbringing being so different, but in this moment, we're so connected.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah. We're now. We're the same.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

But in many ways, we were different.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

I did not grow up in Brooklyn.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah. Not, of course, but now you're in Brooklyn. I'm out of Brooklyn.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah. Now you live in Missouri, don't you? Don't you live in Missouri? Are you in a small town of Missouri? You live in a farming community in Missouri?

[Caleb Herron]

Years ago, you almost opened for me.

[Hannah Burner]

No, I did not.

[Caleb Herron]

No, wait, listen, I'm talking. Years ago, you DM'd me.

[Hannah Burner]

What?

[Caleb Herron]

And you were like, can I come through to like, like, drop in to do a spot?

[Hannah Burner]

Oh, yes. When you played the Truman. I was trying to do time because you were in Kansas City.

[Caleb Herron]

Never happened.

[Hannah Burner]

I know. That was sick. That was sick. I do that.

[Caleb Herron]

You were open. You're dropping by.

[Hannah Burner]

I do that. No, no, no. But yeah, I would love to open for you. I just know when people are in Kansas City, I'll message them sometimes and be like, hey, can I come do time?

[Caleb Herron]

No, I was like, so excited.

[Hannah Burner]

I know. I'm sorry. I do that. That's really up of me.

[Caleb Herron]

Wait, that's so funny, though. That. That's like your thing. It's more like you're like, hey, I'm here.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

And I could.

[Hannah Burner]

It's more. It's more that I really. I think often what I'm doing is you get excited. I get excited. I want. When I send the message, I want to do time. And then the time comes around and I've either left town or I don't want to do a show. And so I'm like, oh, I can't bother them by just coming and being a fan.

[Caleb Herron]

Now that's the problem. Michelle Obama say it. To quote her say it is like, this is not the quote. I butcher every quote. But she basically was like, learn how to say no.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

And if it's not a hell yes, say no.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

And I wasn't a hell yes to doing my show.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

But I try to be like, if. If I don't want to do it tonight. Don't say yes. But I've never wanted to do anything.

[Hannah Burner]

I never wanted.

[Caleb Herron]

We would never do anything if we lived.

[Hannah Burner]

I never want to do anything.

[Caleb Herron]

You have to force yourself.

[Hannah Burner]

I hate doing everything. I hate doing everything. I hate seeing my favorite people in the world. I hate going to like I. Any. Everything is an inconvenience for sure. And I do it all. I do all of it. I literally. I wanted to cancel a dinner yesterday. I was going to see a friend I haven't seen a long time at a restaurant I love where I know the food is incredible.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

And I know like the, the. The staff at the restaurant. I was like, it's going to be a great night.

[Caleb Herron]

Everything was set up.

[Hannah Burner]

Wanted to cancel.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

Almost canceled on my way to the thing.

[Caleb Herron]

Cuz you know what? The cancellation high is better than any high you would have you get from going.

[Hannah Burner]

And I'll never be let down. Here's the thing. I can be let down by a plan. I've been let down by plenty of plans. I've never been let down by getting high on my couch. Ever. Well.

[Caleb Herron]

Cuz every horrible thing that's ever happened in my life has been when I went outside.

[Hannah Burner]

Yes.

[Caleb Herron]

So statistically, why would I go outside again?

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

And that's just science.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah. And yet I need to go outside.

[Caleb Herron]

The only time I go outside is to fart.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah. You fart outside.

[Caleb Herron]

And inside. And inside. I do inside too. But like farting outside, there's a freedom.

[Hannah Burner]

There is a freedom to farting outside.

[Caleb Herron]

And especially as a woman, we are privileged that like you can get away with so much.

[Hannah Burner]

I'm gonna cry again. The way you talk about girlhood is so beautiful.

[Caleb Herron]

No. Like, I represent all women. Delete that.

[Hannah Burner]

No, keep it in. Keep it in.

[Caleb Herron]

I am woman.

[Hannah Burner]

I am woman. Hear me roar. This is my.

[Caleb Herron]

Oh, I did Katy Perry.

[Hannah Burner]

I did. This is my fight song.

[Caleb Herron]

Who is now very smart and successful.

[Hannah Burner]

Who?

[Caleb Herron]

Rachel B. Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

What's happening? What do you mean?

[Caleb Herron]

Wait, have you. You're not up on your Rachel. You're not up on your white girl. Rachel fights her name.

[Hannah Burner]

I don't think.

[Caleb Herron]

I don't know her last name, but I know she's up to shit because I support women.

[Hannah Burner]

What's she up to? I don't.

[Caleb Herron]

She has chance.

[Hannah Burner]

I'm looking it up. I don't support women. Has that been a miss?

[Caleb Herron]

He's like, women don't come up on my feet.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

Women on Google.

[Hannah Burner]

My computer doesn't register women. Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

A cis White woman. No. Delete.

[Hannah Burner]

She's doing philanthropy.

[Caleb Herron]

Is that what you're talking about? No, she has, like. She's like a rocket scientist now, so.

[Hannah Burner]

Hey, you made this. Hey, it's obviously all love. You made that up.

[Caleb Herron]

What if someone's like. That's a different Rachel.

[Hannah Burner]

Can I send you my support?

[Caleb Herron]

What is she doing?

[Hannah Burner]

Hey, it's nothing personal. You made that up. I feel like I googled rocket science. Rachel Platten and a band called Rocket Science covered one of her songs, and that's all that's coming up. Oh. Oh, Hannah.

[Caleb Herron]

Someone needs to defend me. Okay.

[Hannah Burner]

Oh, Hannah.

[Caleb Herron]

Wait. Look at her LinkedIn.

[Hannah Burner]

Oh, Hannah, bring up her LinkedIn. LinkedIn.

[Caleb Herron]

That was millennial.

[Hannah Burner]

LinkedIn.

[Caleb Herron]

That was so embarrassing.

[Hannah Burner]

Her LinkedIn. Hannah burner. Not her LinkedIn. Not her being covered by a being called rocket science. And you thought she worked at NASA. No, I. Hannah Burner.

[Caleb Herron]

Okay, I think he's not even Googling.

[Hannah Burner]

He's trying to help you. Honey, there's nothing on the Internet that can help. You just made something up completely. And we're all having to live in it as a new album. Album.

[Caleb Herron]

If you talk bad about women one more time.

[Hannah Burner]

I don't like women. I thought I'd been so clear about that.

[Caleb Herron]

We. Everyone likes Rachel Platten, though, because she had like a one time. A one hit wonder.

[Hannah Burner]

One hit wonder is fun. She's represented by Red Light Management.

[Caleb Herron]

Not Rachel Plat.

[Hannah Burner]

You're thinking of someone else.

[Caleb Herron]

Wait, no, I'm thinking of someone else.

[Hannah Burner]

I am Rachel Platten. She's in the studio. She's gorgeous, by the way.

[Caleb Herron]

Stunning. Looks like gorgeous. It's giving Blake lively cousin.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

Controversial.

[Hannah Burner]

No, I want to thank you for saying that.

[Caleb Herron]

Okay. It's not Rachel Platten that I'm thinking of.

[Hannah Burner]

Who are you thinking of?

[Caleb Herron]

Can you Google woman?

[Hannah Burner]

Successful woman who did Woman astronaut. Career change. See what that brings up.

[Caleb Herron]

Female pilot. Pop star. Yeah, Google. Anyway, we do the rest of the pod. Just me asking him to Google.

[Hannah Burner]

I was. I think I was anti woman recently.

[Caleb Herron]

What happened?

[Hannah Burner]

I did something. Or I thought something.

[Caleb Herron]

You guys did this pod with you?

[Hannah Burner]

They did this pod? No, I saw a video that really got under my skin. I wonder how you'll feel about it. It was a video. Did I talk about this already on the pod Chance? I don't remember.

[Caleb Herron]

I love that that's his job.

[Hannah Burner]

Kind of. It's like diary. Say this. You know, we do so many of these. I'm like, I. Who knows what I've said?

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah, yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

But I. I saw this tick tock. That was like seven girls in a kitchen. And it was cute. I liked. It was like seven girls in a kitchen, like, dancing and singing along to a song. And they were clearly a little drunk, and it was like, late at night, and it was like, how would you ever even explain this to a boy? And I was like, that's one of the stupidest things I've ever seen. Like, I'm so. I love women, but I'm like, sometimes we've lost the plot. Like, I think boys have listened to a song before. Like, let's. Can we get a little bit of a grip?

[Caleb Herron]

Also, I want to know the actual tea. Like, who's mad at who? Like, let's be honest, who didn't want to do that? TikTok. And you're like, we're doing this TikTok to show that we are happy. We're having so much fun. We don't need men.

[Hannah Burner]

It's like, I just feel like there's so many beautiful things about female friendship, and one of them is not that you uniquely understand listening to a song.

[Caleb Herron]

And I'm a particular girl. Girl. You know when your friends would break out in song. I didn't with that. That's where I signed up.

[Hannah Burner]

That's so beautiful.

[Caleb Herron]

You don't like that because I'm.

[Hannah Burner]

You're. Pick me. Okay.

[Caleb Herron]

I'm a butch straight girl.

[Hannah Burner]

You're a butch straight girl.

[Caleb Herron]

Like, I. I didn't like it. I didn't.

[Hannah Burner]

Have you ever trafficked in pick me behaviors? Be honest.

[Caleb Herron]

Yes.

[Hannah Burner]

Really?

[Caleb Herron]

Well, also, I'm a girl who likes sports. Like, I'm that girl that knows I'm like, in this moment. If I say, like, anything that I know about this sport, like, oh, he just had a double. Double. A guy will get an erection.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

They're very easy.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

And in your 20s, I think, let's be honest, I didn't have TikTok. I didn't know what a pick me was. In your 20s, as millennials, we all were pick mes. We were raised by Disney movies. It was literally, you wake up and I go, who's my crush and how do I find him and how do I trick him?

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

And then in my 30s, I woke up one morning, I said, we've been doing this all wrong.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

We are backwards. And this is up. And I'm. I've. My whole life has changed, but I also. I'm married. And that is the ultimate pick me behavior. I got picked.

[Hannah Burner]

That's real. Yeah. That's great.

[Caleb Herron]

But now I'm embarrassed by it.

[Hannah Burner]

No.

[Caleb Herron]

It's disgusting.

[Hannah Burner]

It's horrible.

[Caleb Herron]

I sucked up to a guy so much that he was like, I want to spend eternity.

[Hannah Burner]

Eternity plots next to each other. Burial vibes.

[Caleb Herron]

Literally.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

So. But no, pick me. I had a whole bit about like, like, yes. Stuff that you have done and pretended to like because of a man.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

You know girls are like anal.

[Hannah Burner]

You think Analysor.

[Caleb Herron]

I don't want to say something homophobic.

[Hannah Burner]

No, I don't think it would be homophobic.

[Caleb Herron]

I've, I.

[Hannah Burner]

You've said a lot of homophobic stuff.

[Caleb Herron]

He goes, that's the least homophobic. Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

Before you got on, you were very much like saying some very off color stuff about gay people. So I don't think this is where it's gonna be.

[Caleb Herron]

Oh my God. I tried anal once. The first time.

[Hannah Burner]

How'd it go?

[Caleb Herron]

In a shower.

[Hannah Burner]

Yikes.

[Caleb Herron]

She talk about making the wrong decisions in life.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

You shouldn't have sex in a shower, period.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

Somehow it gets drier.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

As you go.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

And the one thing you need to have with anal is a little bit.

[Hannah Burner]

Of water's not lubricant.

[Caleb Herron]

No.

[Hannah Burner]

You guys have to understand this water.

[Caleb Herron]

So I was just like, ow, this is hurting me.

[Hannah Burner]

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

[Caleb Herron]

But I mean, I did, I didn't, I didn't commit. Like it was like it didn't even have a chance.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

And I said, no, thank you.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

And then I was triggered.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah. I'm sorry that happened to you.

[Caleb Herron]

It's okay.

[Hannah Burner]

That can be so tough.

[Caleb Herron]

It's okay. But I, I want people to have fun.

[Hannah Burner]

Anal. Such an ordeal. Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

There's.

[Hannah Burner]

Sex is really a production in general. It's like sex is like, obviously it's fun and like I have to do it like a couple times a week or else I'll die. But it.

[Caleb Herron]

Or a day, it's such a.

[Hannah Burner]

Or day. It's such a production. It's like such a. I just can't believe how much goes into it as an eater. Thank you.

[Caleb Herron]

It doesn't like, work with my lifestyle.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

Like, I hate when you start dating someone and you have to like, think twice about what you're about to eat because of what you're about to do.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

And I feel like that's. It's controlling. It's. It's no, like, it's gaslighting.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

I don't like it at all.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah. It is gaslighting. Say that. Say that.

[Caleb Herron]

By the way, this tacos gaslighting me. And. And yeah. I Also think that people normalize, that sex is just like, everyone's coming all the time.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

And it's just not like that. Especially, you know, for women.

[Hannah Burner]

Thank you.

[Caleb Herron]

For women.

[Hannah Burner]

I'm gonna cry again. The way you stand up for women is so beautiful. It almost makes me like women. Like the way you talk about women almost makes me go like, wait a minute, wait a minute.

[Caleb Herron]

They need help.

[Hannah Burner]

These people deserve respect potentially.

[Caleb Herron]

They need help.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah. I'm like, I'm actually low key. Gonna respect women soon, I think.

[Caleb Herron]

I know. But yeah, right now I feel like there's a lot of just, like, sex on TV that just looks so hot. And then when you don't have that experience, you feel bad.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

So I think we have to have messiers. I mean, my whole. My first stand up special, I had a whole just thing about, like, normalizing queefing. We have zero queef representation.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

When it happens, you feel guilty.

[Hannah Burner]

I don't know what that that is. Wait, it's like, I know the makes a noise, but I don't know why it's happening or what we should feel about it.

[Caleb Herron]

Wait, so I'm like a queef?

[Hannah Burner]

I'm not going to. This is so, like, classic gay guy. But this is making me sick.

[Caleb Herron]

Oh, my God.

[Hannah Burner]

Sorry. It's like, it's already kind of hot in here. And it's like. Actually, I'm getting a little nauseous. Well, it's just like, why would it. Oh, sorry.

[Caleb Herron]

No, but this is the thing.

[Hannah Burner]

It's kind of hot in here.

[Caleb Herron]

It happens, right?

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

And then the girl feels bad. And I'm trying to, because I'm a proponent for women. I'm saying, he queefed you.

[Hannah Burner]

She feels bad that the pussy makes noise.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah, he queefed you. And I know that because I've never queefed alone.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

And he goes, you queefed. And then you're like, I'm sorry.

[Hannah Burner]

What's wrong with that?

[Caleb Herron]

He started, like, stuffing you with air.

[Hannah Burner]

What? I'm sorry. He gets sorry.

[Caleb Herron]

The guy, because you made a noise. But, like, he made a noise on you.

[Hannah Burner]

The guy gets mad that your pussy made a noise.

[Caleb Herron]

Well, it's, like, embarrassing. Like when you're the girl. Girl in sex, if God forbid, you fart or you, you know, make a weird sound, it's like, it's on you. But men could be, like, disgusting, and it's, like, hot. Wait, this. It's a problem.

[Hannah Burner]

I don't understand why it would be a problem for the body to make a noise. When you're.

[Caleb Herron]

No, because it's. I guess it's normalized for girls to just be like blow up dolls.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

Which make noise that would queef.

[Hannah Burner]

I would think they would squeak a.

[Caleb Herron]

Little, but yeah, I'm trying to normalize girls, you know, being like, you queefed. I didn't queef. You queefed.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah. Okay.

[Caleb Herron]

But it's. Honestly, it's. It's a struggle.

[Hannah Burner]

I don't like this.

[Caleb Herron]

No, I don't like this. Buttholes don't queef.

[Hannah Burner]

I don't. I don't. I don't know if buttholes queef. I mean, they make noise, of course, when things are happening. But I'm like. I don't know if we have terminology for it.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah. I think it's. It's a particular thing with a vagina that I'm not going to get into. I just don't feel like this is the. The right time or place.

[Hannah Burner]

It's not. I'm never the person to talk about with. I just don't. It's like, obviously I've tried it and it wasn't, you know, it wasn't my thing. I've said that before, but.

[Caleb Herron]

So you're not gold star?

[Hannah Burner]

No, no. I've done here and there. And I.

[Caleb Herron]

Do you get less respect in the community for not being gold star?

[Hannah Burner]

My community doesn't respect me. It was never going to be. My community doesn't respect me. My community does not respect me. Gay men. I have almost no hold over gay men. Men. I could mobilize lesbians to a border if I needed to. Like, I could get them armed at the border if I needed to. Gay men. Gay men would barely hold the door open for me.

[Caleb Herron]

Wait, that is so. Wait, so lesbians love you.

[Hannah Burner]

Lesbians. I could. I could move. I could move certain segments of the queer community. There are. There are hundreds of trans women who would go to war for me.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

Gay men would. If I think if I was on fire in front of a gay man, to get him to spit on me would be a challenge. I just don't move gay men in that way. I move straight men more than I move gay men.

[Caleb Herron]

Interesting.

[Hannah Burner]

I don't know what it is interesting.

[Caleb Herron]

It's funny because I'm trying to be kind of like the Cheryl Crow of lesbians.

[Hannah Burner]

Thank you, Missouri, by the way.

[Caleb Herron]

Shout out, Missourian. Iconic Cheryl Crow.

[Hannah Burner]

A famous Missourian. Shout out, Cheryl, we love you.

[Caleb Herron]

I just, I connect, I think lesbians to speak for women.

[Hannah Burner]

So I was gonna do an under track while you were talking, but I actually ended up just cutting you off.

[Caleb Herron]

Sorry. I was trying to harmonize.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

And the second I started, you were like, this is a one person.

[Hannah Burner]

No.

[Caleb Herron]

Okay. Well, I love how I just said I don't like singing too, and I. I jumped the in because it's fun.

[Hannah Burner]

But I feel bad that I didn't mean to disrupt your thought. What were you saying, Cheryl Crow?

[Caleb Herron]

You want me to show. Ever be upset about disrupting me? That is called conversation.

[Hannah Burner]

Okay, thank you.

[Caleb Herron]

And don't put that on you. What did we just do?

[Hannah Burner]

You're like. You're like. You're gesturing to me like you're Polly walnuts. Like, don't ever.

[Caleb Herron]

Don't ever feel bad.

[Hannah Burner]

You're perfect conversation.

[Caleb Herron]

If I don't interrupt you, it means I wasn't listening.

[Hannah Burner]

I don't respect you.

[Caleb Herron]

Oh.

[Hannah Burner]

Oh, my own. You want to be the Cheryl Crow of lesbians?

[Caleb Herron]

I feel like lesbians, Lesbians have done everything to, like, break down barriers for straight women because they don't care what men think.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

So like, anything from stand up comedy politics, like, it's the lesbians that lead the way. And then the straight girls are like, oh, shit, maybe we could do this too.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

So I. I fucking love lesbians.

[Hannah Burner]

Thank you for your service.

[Caleb Herron]

And I feel like I. I feel like, oh, I was a gay man in a past life. Did you know that?

[Hannah Burner]

You think so, though?

[Caleb Herron]

That's. I was told I was a dandy in a past life.

[Hannah Burner]

By who?

[Caleb Herron]

A Salem witch. And you could bring that up with her. Cuz That's.

[Hannah Burner]

I just am wondering. You went to Salem to meet with a witch, and she informs you that in a past life you were, quote, a dandy.

[Caleb Herron]

She goes, well, she goes, you've been a man in your past life. And I said, no, no, please. And then I said, what kind of man? And she goes, a flaming gay dandy.

[Hannah Burner]

Okay.

[Caleb Herron]

And I was like.

[Hannah Burner]

All right. I don't know if she. I'd have to meet her, but I don't know if she should be talking like that.

[Caleb Herron]

With an air of.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah, with an air of Fragadocha. There's an air of dandyism in the Vatican.

[Caleb Herron]

You have to watch Conclave. You'll die.

[Hannah Burner]

I love it. I know I will.

[Caleb Herron]

You need to do like a YouTube of you doing commentary. I would love to watch that.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

While you're watching Conclave, do you know.

[Hannah Burner]

My mom just dropped on me last week at lunch? She was like. She was like, my mom will do this. We were at Lunch in Kansas City last week. And she goes. She goes, well, you know, I. I saw a psychic when I was pregnant with you. And I go, no, I don't. What are you talking about?

[Caleb Herron]

You. Like, I wasn't there.

[Hannah Burner]

I go, no, you've never told me that. She goes, yeah, I saw a psychic. They told me you were going to have eyes. They said you were going to have so much wisdom in your eyes that it would scare me. And it did. When you were born, I looked in your eyes and I felt scared. I said. I said, hey, it's 2 o' clock. It's 2 o' clock in the afternoon. What are you talking about? What is going on?

[Caleb Herron]

You ever see those videos of the. The mom being like, my kid knows things. And the kid will be like, I died in a burning building.

[Hannah Burner]

You're like, that's the shit my mom's accusing me of. She's like. She's like, yeah, she told you'd have wisdom in your eyes. That would scare. Be scary to look into.

[Caleb Herron]

In World War II. I took a bullet.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

You're like, it's 2:00pm yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

Hey, it's lunch. She really will. She really will. In the middle. Moms have such a. Moms have such a knack. I feel for just dropping one of the most devastating things you've ever heard. You know, you'll just like, you'll truly just be at like a cookout, like, sitting by the pool, and your mom will just be like, yeah. I mean, I just wonder what I would have been capable of if anyone had ever believed in me. Me. Anyway, anybody want another margarita? It's like, jesus, bitch, what the hell? Good Lord. Don't you feel they'll just drop the most harrowing shit ever?

[Caleb Herron]

It's like when you realize that your mom is just a girl.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah. Oh, God, the girl and stuff.

[Caleb Herron]

You go, if you say the G word, I'll lose.

[Hannah Burner]

Well, it's just some of that stuff where it's like, people, the trends online that are like, they're like, they're like, please, please don't ask me to do something. I'm just a girl. By the way, you're 37, and people get mad when I use that as the number, but it's like, that's really. By the time you should probably. People should be able to ask you.

[Caleb Herron]

To do stuff, and I'm not there yet.

[Hannah Burner]

You're not there. That's not.

[Caleb Herron]

I'm just a girl. Yeah, I'm just a girl. But, like, being a girl is a mindset.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah. What if. What if I slowly got red pilled on this podcast? What if, like, what if like, over the next like 80 episodes, it just like slowly became obvious that I was getting red pilled? Would that be fun? That'd be hilarious. I mean, that would be so funny to switch up on people in that way.

[Caleb Herron]

That is. Well, cuz when you have that kind of choke hold over the lesbian community, you can turn them like that.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah, it is so men's. Men's rights people are so funny to me because their thing is always like, nobody cares. The boys commit. It's like, stop doing it.

[Caleb Herron]

No.

[Hannah Burner]

I don't know what to tell you. Girls aren't doing it. Maybe boys should quit. I don't. What, what am I supposed to do? I don't know what to tell you. Stop playing video games and go be part of something. I don't know what we're talking about. You're like guys working construction. Stop. Go be an accountant. I don't know what to tell. What do you want me to do?

[Caleb Herron]

No, it's just like, they've never given us empathy and now like, they want empathy, but we're not even involved in it. Yeah, like, they did it all on their own.

[Hannah Burner]

Also, I'm a boy and I thought it was pretty sick. I didn't feel that abused by it. I don't know. These, like. I just think it's like kind of pathetic. These guys that are like, no one cares about the pie to boys, like. Yeah. I think it's probably because girls have it worse. Does that make any sense?

[Caleb Herron]

Get you turning into.

[Hannah Burner]

I don't want to sound like a woke. Yeah, but women, low key, have it hard. No.

[Caleb Herron]

Like, have you ever been fingered on the side of your leg?

[Hannah Burner]

Right. Thank you. What do you mean? What do you mean? Someone was fingering your inner thigh.

[Caleb Herron]

That's just a Tuesday.

[Hannah Burner]

I beg your pardon? I beg your pardon.

[Caleb Herron]

This is why I'm jealous of lesbians, right? They're.

[Hannah Burner]

They are.

[Caleb Herron]

They are. Come. Like, I asked my friend who's lesbian, like, how do you know when the sex is done?

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah, she's never done.

[Caleb Herron]

You ask.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah. Nice. Okay.

[Caleb Herron]

Or like the. The sun rises.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

We're like. With the first of all, I was like, what's it like to communicate during sex? That's crazy. Yeah, but with dudes, it's just when he's done. Yeah, yeah, he's done. He's like twitching or whatever. He's like, yeah, get that nut.

[Hannah Burner]

Nice.

[Caleb Herron]

Get that nut.

[Hannah Burner]

Hell yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

But yeah, with lesbians. It's like, you know, your body, you know, it feels good. You, you, you know what you're working with.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

With the men, they have to be like taught.

[Hannah Burner]

You know what I always want to ask lesbian couples.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah, I like. His body language has changed.

[Hannah Burner]

Who's a girl and who's a guy? Oh, you know.

[Caleb Herron]

Do you know Emma Willman, woman?

[Hannah Burner]

I know.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah, you'd love Emma, won't you? I'm the man one. Yeah, it's my Emma impression.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah, that was a good Emma, by the way.

[Caleb Herron]

It's actually my only impression that I can do.

[Hannah Burner]

I was really good Emma. Yeah, that was a really good Emma.

[Caleb Herron]

I, it's. I didn't realize that lesbians have tops and bottoms.

[Hannah Burner]

They totally do.

[Caleb Herron]

They do.

[Hannah Burner]

They totally do.

[Caleb Herron]

They do.

[Hannah Burner]

And then they have Switch or, you know, but they, A lot of times they call themselves Switch, but it's like, it's a lot of body.

[Caleb Herron]

Like Nintendo.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah, like exactly like a Nintendo. Nintendo, yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

And they play Nintendo.

[Hannah Burner]

They have Switching Wii. Say it. You're safe.

[Caleb Herron]

Are you top or bottom?

[Hannah Burner]

Me? I'm a dedicated team player who gets. I like to get the job done. People say, are you a top or a bottom? I say I thrive in a fast paced environment.

[Caleb Herron]

I deal with adversity. I love a challenge.

[Hannah Burner]

I love a challenge. I deal with what comes my way.

[Caleb Herron]

My issue is I work too hard. Hard.

[Hannah Burner]

I want everyone to. If that's something that we're capable of and interested in, I want everyone to come.

[Caleb Herron]

Why did the gay guys tell me that?

[Hannah Burner]

No, I'm not bottoming.

[Caleb Herron]

No, I'm not.

[Hannah Burner]

I'm not.

[Caleb Herron]

Wait, why do gay guys tell me that everyone's a bottom but they say they're not?

[Hannah Burner]

Well, because there's shame.

[Caleb Herron]

I've never met a, like real top before.

[Hannah Burner]

Well, I wouldn't say I'm a. I just don't. I'm not that interest. I'm not, I don't. Like, I would. I.

[Caleb Herron]

Is saying you're a top, like, kind of like.

[Hannah Burner]

Okay, no, I just am not that interested in that. I, I don't, it's not like penetration to me is such a Neanderthal. Not really, but it's. The reason that there's shame around being a bottom is because people don't like to be associated with femininity and so they're forced to play the role of a woman. I feel like a woman.

[Caleb Herron]

You're such a feminist.

[Hannah Burner]

I mean, I think that's just pretty known. Yeah, like, I think that's, it's like Obvious. It's like, yeah, you feel shame because you feel like you're being dominated by a man, which is something we have historically done to women and shamed them for.

[Caleb Herron]

Yes. You're getting chosen like you're the weaker one.

[Hannah Burner]

Bottom shame is insane. It's like everyone should just be coming and having fun.

[Caleb Herron]

Oh, a hundred percent.

[Hannah Burner]

I. We're gonna have to mute every single word that's been said. For the last time.

[Caleb Herron]

We brought this out of each other. I'm just. I'm a curious. I'm curious about it.

[Hannah Burner]

I like the way your brain works. I like the way your brain works. Wait, I do like your brain works.

[Caleb Herron]

That was actually the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

[Hannah Burner]

Do you know what I just realized?

[Caleb Herron]

We're gonna make out.

[Hannah Burner]

Incredible. First of all, let's start there.

[Caleb Herron]

This whole pod is me, Loki flirting with Caleb. I really like guys who aren't into me. That's kind of my type. Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

Me, you and your husband could have some incredible memories. Let me get over there. You and I would be an incredible flight attendant duo. I was thinking that earlier and forgot it. But you went out running a sick plane like the Navy. Yes. I'm talking bits. I'm going, yeah, truly. You're throwing me biscoff cookies. I'm handing it off to 1A. Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

We're like, I got headphones.

[Hannah Burner]

Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Pilot needs to go to the bathroom. I pull the cart and block the wall.

[Caleb Herron]

But also we have people we don't like in the crowd. We're all blowing. Be like, not again. Not you. I go, don't give him the biscot.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah, no biscot. Get out of here. Can't have any.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I love that.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah, be fun.

[Caleb Herron]

Cuz we work hard.

[Hannah Burner]

We do work hard.

[Caleb Herron]

And we're focused, but we also have fun.

[Hannah Burner]

We're focused and driven, but ultimately we're silly.

[Caleb Herron]

Yes, you can't take life too seriously, but we also do have dreams and goals.

[Hannah Burner]

And welcome to Delta Airlines. In many ways, that's. This is our pre fight announcement. You guys have to work hard. You have to have goals. You can't. You can't take things too seriously. You have to be silly. There are exits to your left and your right.

[Caleb Herron]

I was like, don't be mad when the flight's delayed. Yeah, Like, I'm. Hold my hand low key.

[Hannah Burner]

We're dragging ass today, guys. We had a big night out last night.

[Caleb Herron]

Also. Is it cold in here? Like, I'm cold. Are you cold?

[Hannah Burner]

Okay, show of hands. Who's cold.

[Caleb Herron]

Also, Caleb didn't just put on Big Thief.

[Hannah Burner]

Also. Yeah. Low key. Does anyone have playlist requests? They are always playing the most psychotic music.

[Caleb Herron]

When you fly a lot, you start to know the words, and you go through. It's like stages of grief. At first you're angry about it.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

Then you accept it. Then you're like, wait, okay, this is my bop. This is my bop.

[Hannah Burner]

Well, it'll be something. It's not even necessarily bad music. It'll just be something so unexpected.

[Caleb Herron]

It. It scratches your brain in the worst way.

[Hannah Burner]

It's 7am the lights are on full blast. You're getting on a flight. They're going to keep the windows close so you can sleep. But before that, they're just playing. I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately. And it's so loud.

[Caleb Herron]

It's. And it's too positive.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah, it's too. Well, they're trying to keep people from, like, fighting and realizing how bad the circumstances are. They're putting you in prison for a while.

[Caleb Herron]

I recently had an experience of getting on a flight, and the lady was Blackout, 8am and recognized me. And she looks up and she goes, I know you. And I was like this. I'm getting into a shark tank right now.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah, this is better bad.

[Caleb Herron]

And it was like an hour and a half flight. And at first, like, she was, like, poking me and, you know, pushing me, but, like, being funny.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

And then I realized halfway in, I go, this is actually kind of funny.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah, she's actually a key. Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

And then I. You know, like, you sit next to someone at the bar, and at first you're like, oh, no. And then you're like, wait, I want the tea.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

So she was, like, showing me her kitchen renovation, and I'm. I'm thinking of renovating my kitchen. So I was like, wait, that's. That is fire. So I had a whole flight. She's blackout. I'm sober. But, like, at the end of the day, say, anyone could get along. If you believe in love, that's community.

[Hannah Burner]

I had a guy. One of the funniest things that's happened to me recently. I was sitting next to this stranger, and he was ignoring me, and I was ignoring him, which is amazing. I like that.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

A girl walks past, and she goes, don't want to bother you. Just wanted to say I'm a huge fan. Have a great fight. Keeps walking like a nice one.

[Caleb Herron]

Beautiful.

[Hannah Burner]

And the. The guy who's like an older straight guy next to me. He goes. I just watch him say you're me. And he's. He's him. He goes, what are you?

[Caleb Herron]

Your worst nightmare.

[Hannah Burner]

What are you? Sent me. And I truly laughed so hard. That was really, really cracked me.

[Caleb Herron]

I didn't even know. He couldn't even.

[Hannah Burner]

What are you? What are you. Say now what you did. Yeah, What'd you do to deserve what's been done? Why'd she say that?

[Caleb Herron]

Who is this?

[Hannah Burner]

What happened? Who is she to you?

[Caleb Herron]

How.

[Hannah Burner]

Who are you to me?

[Caleb Herron]

What's going on?

[Hannah Burner]

Who am I to myself?

[Caleb Herron]

Why?

[Hannah Burner]

What do I mean?

[Caleb Herron]

What is life?

[Hannah Burner]

What is life? What's my purpose?

[Caleb Herron]

What planet are we on?

[Hannah Burner]

What is happen. You know what's so true to you? You have to have one. Come on, walk in. Walk in for once.

[Caleb Herron]

Dude, wait. Now I'm so nervous.

[Hannah Burner]

What is so true to you?

[Caleb Herron]

I'm a fan of the pod and this is. This is happening. You can manifest anything.

[Hannah Burner]

You can manifest anything.

[Caleb Herron]

What's so true to me? I feel like you will connect with this.

[Hannah Burner]

Come on.

[Caleb Herron]

Instead of working on all these things like, oh, you rub your temple a certain way and your jawline get snatched and this cream. Whatever. Yeah, let's normalize. Working on our personalities, by the way.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

Whatever happened to being like, what, a conversationalist. Yeah, whatever happened to you being like, tonight I'm staying home and doing some self care. But I think you have some good stories I could tell at a party.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

Like getting some tags.

[Hannah Burner]

It's very clear to me at a lot of social situations that a lot of people are not feeling the pressure I feel, which is that if it gets quiet, it's my responsibility to fix.

[Caleb Herron]

It and I want everyone to feel. No, I'm exhausted after a party because if I'm invited, I come to serve.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

Okay. I'm gonna commit. I'm giving my all, my heart, my soul to performing at this.

[Hannah Burner]

If I showed up, I showed up.

[Caleb Herron]

I showed up.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

And. But do you ever feel though, at a group dinner, you don't know, you're like, do you guys want me to take this away?

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

Do you want me to take the mic?

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

And I'll handle. And you guys can sit back. Or do you want me to sit back? Let other people speak? Yeah, I just need to know the vibes. I don't know what you guys have.

[Hannah Burner]

Prepared.

[Caleb Herron]

Prepared.

[Hannah Burner]

I'll host, I'll perform only whatever you. I'll do whatever you need me to do.

[Caleb Herron]

Yes, I'll be.

[Hannah Burner]

I'LL be the crowd in that vein. Also, let's bring back aging normally. Let's let your, let's let yourself age normally.

[Caleb Herron]

Well, there's a trend now where people are trying to call out actresses who are doing these like old movies like in the 1800s, but they have like lip filler and cheek filler.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

And it's like, whatever happened to, you know, caring about the role? Whatever happened to an expression during a scene?

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah. I don't like, I don't, I will say, everyone, do whatever you want to do. I do not like the way everyone looks on camera now. Everyone looks, everyone looks so unbelievably stiff. The faces are fake, the hairlines are pulled back. The, it's like I just like. What happened to like people who look appropriate and human? What happened to people who look their age?

[Caleb Herron]

Well, some people feel like there might be a twist because everyone's morphing into the same like looking lizard.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

That it might be like chic as to have your wrinkles out.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

I also, as someone who hasn't had work done but will probably get a facelift when I'm 40, it's like, I like showing I've seen some shit.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

Like, I like when you're in your 20s, you don't get respect. I want to walk into a room and people to look at me and be like, oh, she's experienced things, she's wise, she survived things. See it on my face. I, I, I've, I've survived to be here.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah. I've stuck around as a thank you, thank you.

[Caleb Herron]

Cuz I'm just a girl.

[Hannah Burner]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[Caleb Herron]

But like, it, it's not, not beautiful to have a face that, that moves and to look different.

[Hannah Burner]

I just, I also just don't understand the obsession with like, you don't look younger, you just look weird.

[Caleb Herron]

You look different.

[Hannah Burner]

You look different, but not younger. And I don't especially, especially as actors. It really pisses me off that actors are getting so much work done that their face is like made of clay. At this point I'm like, what is, do you give a fuck about this profession? Then I'm like, we're supposed to be.

[Caleb Herron]

Like communicating emotion roles of real people.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

And it's hard when you are an AI version of yourself.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

I also, this could be completely false and made up because I just saw it on TikTok. But people are saying if moms are getting too much Botox, that the kids aren't learning proper like reactions and expressions.

[Hannah Burner]

That's really.

[Caleb Herron]

That they're raising psychopaths.

[Hannah Burner]

That's really funny.

[Caleb Herron]

They don't know what empathy is.

[Hannah Burner]

That's really funny.

[Caleb Herron]

They don't know what anger is or sadness. So they don't know how to react to situations. This could be all made up, but I thought it was hilarious.

[Hannah Burner]

That's really funny.

[Caleb Herron]

So it's like, mom is very happy right now.

[Hannah Burner]

Kids don't know how to express joy because mommy got too much work. Yeah, that's really fucking funny.

[Caleb Herron]

Has Mommy been under the needle?

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah, Mommy. Mommy's gone under the knife too many times.

[Caleb Herron]

And I know that there's people that are like, look, if it makes me feel better about myself, let me do it. And I'm a proponent of that. However, just like everything in the beauty industry, you think something's gonna solve your problems. It doesn't. And then it's like, at what end?

[Hannah Burner]

Well, let me ask you this. If it makes you happy, why the hell are you so sad? Why the hell are you so sad?

[Caleb Herron]

Mic drop.

[Hannah Burner]

And Cheryl's real As.

[Caleb Herron]

Cheryl's real as. And a badass. And she pulls off a vest like no other straight woman can. I also would argue that some of these girls getting work done, do they need a gay on their team? An honest gay.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah. And those are hard to come by.

[Caleb Herron]

And those are so hard to come by.

[Hannah Burner]

Honest gay is hard to come by.

[Caleb Herron]

An honest guy who's gonna read you for filth and be like, you look insane.

[Hannah Burner]

Well, gay people are. Gay guys specifically are born with honesty in their DNA. And then they are conditioned to value power more than honesty. So then if you get a beautiful woman who's powerful around you, you. That's kind of like a siren to the rocks for us. And then so we stop being honest and start being flattering.

[Caleb Herron]

And then housewives exist.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah. Real W. And so then there's Real Housewives. And then you think there's, like, bank of America and obviously BP Oil. Like, many things. Many things are within that. And it's culture, it's systemic.

[Caleb Herron]

Airlines.

[Hannah Burner]

It's systemic with Delta Airlines and, And. And. And. And Cisco and all that kind of stuff.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

And it all plays a role.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah, 100%.

[Hannah Burner]

And of course, Walmart.

[Caleb Herron]

Yep. Walmart is behind everything.

[Hannah Burner]

Of course Walmart. Walmart's involved where they sell walls. That's a really good. So true. I want to thank you for bringing that today. Wait.

[Caleb Herron]

Thank you. I was. I was worried it was too deep.

[Hannah Burner]

But I feel like, no, we're allowed.

[Caleb Herron]

To do whatever we want on Here, go get Botox. Now.

[Hannah Burner]

Guess what? I have a segment for you.

[Caleb Herron]

Wait. You with a paper is intimidating.

[Hannah Burner]

As you said, you might want to be doing a kitchen renovation. We might be able to help you out a little bit with the budget. Because I'm gonna read you 15 statements, you're gonna tell me as quickly as you can, okay, what I just said was true or false. And if you get 10 or more correct, Hannah, we're gonna give you 50 US dollars.

[Caleb Herron]

Wait, so people have. Have gotten too chatty during it? I could tell you're like, we're doing concise.

[Hannah Burner]

Almost every single guest will fail. Will fail at concision. Every single guest. I'll be like. I'll be like, the sky is blue. And they'll be like, okay, I've been outside. Of course I'm from Ohio.

[Caleb Herron]

So these answers, this isn't subjective. This is fact.

[Hannah Burner]

It's true or false.

[Caleb Herron]

Okay.

[Hannah Burner]

That's all. Okay.

[Caleb Herron]

Should I say so true.

[Hannah Burner]

You just. That's really funny. What? People have suggested that you say just true or false. And if you want to say so true or so false. Hey, you go nuts.

[Caleb Herron]

I have too many questions in this game already.

[Hannah Burner]

No, it's good that you're getting it out before, cuz people usually do this in the middle.

[Caleb Herron]

Okay.

[Hannah Burner]

Superman's real name is Kevin Kent.

[Caleb Herron]

False.

[Hannah Burner]

False. It's Clark Kent. The Statue of Liberty has seven points on her crown.

[Caleb Herron]

False.

[Hannah Burner]

True. The largest indoor water park in the world is in Texas.

[Caleb Herron]

This is so not up my alley. I don't know anything about anything. I don't care. There.

[Hannah Burner]

That won't work.

[Caleb Herron]

False.

[Hannah Burner]

That won't work. False. It's in Germany. You're doing good.

[Caleb Herron]

Look, it's 50.

[Hannah Burner]

50. Under Armour was founded in 2003.

[Caleb Herron]

True.

[Hannah Burner]

False. 1996. Sudan has more pyramids than any other country.

[Caleb Herron]

False.

[Hannah Burner]

True. Venus and Serena Williams were born in Michigan.

[Caleb Herron]

True.

[Hannah Burner]

True. You're a big tennis fan.

[Caleb Herron]

Yeah.

[Hannah Burner]

Cats have fewer toes on their back. Paws. Paws.

[Caleb Herron]

Oh, no. Butter's gonna be so pissed if I get this wrong. It depends on the cat, because some cats have like six hands, but. False.

[Hannah Burner]

It's true. St. Patrick was born in Ireland.

[Caleb Herron]

False.

[Hannah Burner]

False. John Cusack graduated from the University of Wisconsin, Madison. Joan. Sorry. Joan. Joan. Joan. Yes.

[Caleb Herron]

True. Because I'm a badger.

[Hannah Burner]

Pickleball was invented in Romania. Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

Oh, my God. This is like, I only have so much information I can keep in my head. Like I reject it. True.

[Hannah Burner]

False. Yeah. Drake and Josh ran for eight seasons.

[Caleb Herron]

Oh, my God. Wait. As a millennial, I need to Know this. True.

[Hannah Burner]

False. Four Turkeys can blush.

[Caleb Herron]

Felt like eight. Turkeys can blush.

[Hannah Burner]

Can blush.

[Caleb Herron]

False.

[Hannah Burner]

True. Who.

[Caleb Herron]

What chance did you come up with these?

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

This is so straight, man shit, though. I know this is straight. Wait, this is homophobic.

[Hannah Burner]

No, it's not. Because you're not gay. Okay, there is a.

[Caleb Herron]

No, but making us on this pod as an ally answer these straight male questions of like, who wins in a fight, tiger or bear? Like, yeah, that's what it's giving you.

[Hannah Burner]

You're right. You're right, you're right. Sorry, James. You got got.

[Caleb Herron]

You got.

[Hannah Burner]

There is a fungus that can turn ants into mindless zombies. Zombies.

[Caleb Herron]

True.

[Hannah Burner]

That is true.

[Caleb Herron]

I watched the last of us.

[Hannah Burner]

Franklin Delano Roosevelt had a pet hyena.

[Caleb Herron]

I hope it's true.

[Hannah Burner]

False. Teddy Roosevelt did. Oh, bats have six limbs.

[Caleb Herron]

True.

[Hannah Burner]

False. Four. How'd she do?

[Caleb Herron]

What's the best anyone's gotten?

[Hannah Burner]

Like 14, 13, 14?

[Caleb Herron]

They have to get a hobby.

[Hannah Burner]

They need to get a life.

[Caleb Herron]

Sorry, I've been on.

[Hannah Burner]

And a husband in a kitchen. They need a cat, a husband in a kitchen. And one of those things needs to be addicted to something thing. I'm not going to prescribe which.

[Caleb Herron]

And that's full circle.

[Hannah Burner]

Baby, you know we love you. Thank you so much for doing this.

[Caleb Herron]

I love you so much. Congrats on everything. And I'm obsessed with you.

[Hannah Burner]

Thanks, buddy. You want to tell people where they can find you?

[Caleb Herron]

Oh, yeah. Go to check. Follow me on how to Burner. You'll enjoy Giggly Squad if you enjoy giggling Giggly Squad.

[Hannah Burner]

And you'll have a new book.

[Caleb Herron]

And we have a new book, how to giggle. And I'm announcing my tour dates in the fall. Hburn.com I'll be coming a city near you.

[Hannah Burner]

You're announcing them in the fall or you're going on?

[Caleb Herron]

I'm going to. It'll be announced by now.

[Hannah Burner]

Okay, nice.

[Caleb Herron]

And watch my Netflix special if you have. We write at Dawn.

[Hannah Burner]

Hell yeah.

[Caleb Herron]

Thank you.

[Hannah Burner]

Thanks. Dude.

[Caleb Herron]

That was a Headgum Podcast. Hi, I'm Jesse Klein. And I'm Liz Feldman. And we're the hosts of a new Headgum podcast called Here to Make Friends. Liz and I met in the writers.

[Hannah Burner]

Room on a little hit TV show.

[Caleb Herron]

Called Dead to Me, which is a show about murder. But more importantly, it's also about two women becoming very good friends in their.

[Hannah Burner]

40S, which can really happen. And it has happened to us. It's true.

[Caleb Herron]

Because life has imitated art and then it imitated life. Time is a flat circle and now we're making a podcast that's about making friends and we're inviting incredible guests like Vanessa Barrett. Wow. I have so much to say. Lisa Kudrow feelings. They're a nuisance.

[Hannah Burner]

Nick Kroll I just wanted to say hi.

[Caleb Herron]

I'm Matt Rogers.

[Hannah Burner]

I'm like on the verge of tears.

[Caleb Herron]

So good, so good to join us and hopefully become our friends in real life.

[Hannah Burner]

Yeah, take it out of the podcast studio and into to real life. Along the way, we are also going.

[Caleb Herron]

To talk about dating, spousing, true parenting.

[Hannah Burner]

Careering, and why we love Thelma and Louise and it's the greatest movie of all time.

[Caleb Herron]

Shouldn't need to be said.

[Hannah Burner]

No, we said it.

[Caleb Herron]

It's just a true thing. So Please subscribe to Here to make friends on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts and watch video episodes on YouTube. New episodes every Friday.

[Hannah Burner]

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson and I host the Headgum Podcast.

[Caleb Herron]

We're here to help with my partner, Gareth Ross Reynolds.

[Hannah Burner]

We're here to help as a call and advice show. Think Car Talk from back in the day. We're determined to help fix life's dumbest problems. We also have guest helpers join us, from the entire cast of New Girl to Michael, Sarah, Andy Samberg, Jimmy Kimmel.

[Caleb Herron]

Just to name a few.

[Hannah Burner]

So do me a favor and come check out an episode and then bounce around our catalog.

[Caleb Herron]

We're over 150 episodes so far, so.

[Hannah Burner]

There'S plenty of stories for you to discover. Subscribe to we're here to help on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Cast, or wherever you get your podcast guests. New episodes drop every Monday and bonus episodes drop on Wednesdays.