Lily Sullivan Gets Serious

Summary

Podcast Summary: So True with Caleb Hearon – Episode: Lily Sullivan Gets Serious

Introduction In the December 12, 2024 episode of So True with Caleb Hearon hosted by Headgum, beloved gay comedian Caleb Hearon welcomes guest Lily Sullivan for a candid and heartfelt conversation. Titled "Lily Sullivan Gets Serious," the episode delves deep into personal struggles, mental health, and the complexities of navigating life in the public eye.

Mental Health and Therapy A significant portion of the episode centers around Lily's journey with mental health. She opens up about her experiences with anxiety and depression, detailing her initial resistance to medication due to her family's anti-medication stance. This reluctance shifts when a friend encourages her to seek help, leading to her prescription of Cymbalta, an SSRI.

Lily Sullivan [04:00]: "Cymbalta is an FDA-approved medication to treat major depressive disorder."

Caleb empathizes, sharing his own challenges with therapy, including concerns over Non-Disclosure Agreements (NDAs) that limit transparency about his work environment.

Caleb Hearon [02:59]: "Everyone who works here had to sign an NDA because I'm so horrible."

The discussion takes a poignant turn as Lily recounts the tragic suicide of her first psychiatrist shortly after initiating treatment, highlighting the profound impact such events can have on one's mental health journey.

Personal Anecdotes and Experiences Lily shares vivid stories from her life, including a harrowing experience with a gastroenterologist who reacted negatively to her medical condition, forcing her to abandon her practice. These anecdotes underscore the often unpredictable and challenging nature of seeking professional help.

Lily Sullivan [08:08]: "He put his jersey in the rafters because he saw one bag full of shit."

Caleb adds levity by discussing his obsession with squeaky shoes and the humorous dynamics of their friendship, providing a balance to the heavier topics.

Navigating Relationships and Identity The conversation also explores Lily's personal relationships and her reflections on being perceived within the LGBTQ+ community. She candidly discusses the absence of romantic attention from lesbian friends, a topic that sparks both humor and introspection.

Caleb Hearon [28:52]: "I know lesbians are interested in you."

Their banter touches on identity, with Lily pondering her place and representation within the gay community, while Caleb humorously chides her for not fitting traditional stereotypes.

Challenges in the Creative Industry Caleb and Lily navigate the pressures of the creative industry, discussing the necessity of authenticity and the struggles of maintaining mental well-being amidst public scrutiny. They joke about podcast dynamics and the expectations of their audience, reflecting on the challenges of balancing humor with serious discourse.

Lily Sullivan [60:08]: "I think you think I'm not deep…"

Conclusion and Reflections As the episode draws to a close, Caleb attempts to steer the conversation towards more serious and impactful topics, emphasizing the importance of genuine connections and support systems in overcoming personal struggles. Despite several humorous interludes and playful interruptions, the core of the episode remains a sincere exploration of Lily's experiences and insights.

Caleb Hearon [57:00]: "Lily Sullivan, do you believe in God?"

The episode concludes with a heartfelt endorsement of each other's strengths and a mutual appreciation for the vulnerability shared throughout their dialogue.

Caleb Hearon [66:10]: "You're an angel."

Notable Quotes

• Lily Sullivan [04:00]: "Cymbalta is an FDA-approved medication to treat major depressive disorder."
• Caleb Hearon [02:59]: "Everyone who works here had to sign an NDA because I'm so horrible."
• Lily Sullivan [08:08]: "He put his jersey in the rafters because he saw one bag full of shit."
• Caleb Hearon [28:52]: "I know lesbians are interested in you."
• Caleb Hearon [66:10]: "You're an angel."

Final Thoughts "So True with Caleb Hearon – Lily Sullivan Gets Serious" offers a blend of humor and vulnerability, providing listeners with an intimate glimpse into Lily Sullivan's life and the universal challenges of mental health. Caleb Hearon's empathetic hosting ensures a balanced conversation, making this episode a standout for its genuine exploration of serious topics interwoven with lighthearted moments.

Transcript

[A]

This is a Headgum podcast.

[B]

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[A]

What is going on with the shoes?

[B]

I'm obsessed with them.

[A]

They're so squeaky.

[B]

I'm never unshoed in here, and now I'm addicted to them.

[A]

That's what I feel like. I have to.

[B]

I feel grounded on the Headgum carpet. This episode's been too silly. Have you used a stylist for anything?

[A]

No.

[B]

You have great style. You put together great.

[A]

Are you saying that because we're twinning?

[B]

Yeah. We're wearing jeans in the same loafers. I'm like, you actually know what you're doing, so. Actually, I'm loving Lily's looks.

[A]

Wow. Sorry. Yeah. Well, I remember I texted you about what we were going to wear today.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. And you told me, I think you said, don't wear a light wash denim. That's my thing today.

[A]

I said, and I've got the cardigan covered, so you can wear the shirt version of a cardigan.

[B]

So you can wear your towel shirt, I guess. And then you sent an eye roll emoji.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're not nice to me, but you.

[A]

Are we recording?

[B]

What?

[A]

Are we recording?

[B]

Oh, we're.

[A]

That is. You're trying to slander me already?

[B]

Ambush.

[A]

Fucking slander.

[B]

So, Lily, you're not nice to me. What's that about?

[A]

It's not that I'm not nice. It's that you ask for me. You ask for it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You ask for me to be bitchy.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Because when you behave like that, someone has to put you in your fucking place.

[B]

Yeah. Do you know how many people are gonna be so happy to see you saying this?

[A]

Yeah, lots.

[B]

These guys are clapping over there perfectly.

[A]

They're sobbing.

[B]

They're like, finally, someone's putting him in his face.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

You know, she is me. Fuck. She's mothering. Oh, my God, she's mothering.

[A]

I'm sobbing oh, my God. She's.

[B]

Literally.

[A]

I have to keep you humble. I'm sorry. Somebody needs to, like, literally.

[B]

You know, I did Stavi's World podcast the other day, and he was. He was talking to his producer and being like, hey, can we get that camera going? And I. I turned to Eldis and I said, blink twice if you're not okay. And I said, you and Chance should start a support group. You guys treated horribly.

[A]

Honestly, all the poor producers who work on these nightmare podcast, silly little podcasts. The behind the scenes people. You guys, I'm so sorry. What did Caleb do?

[B]

Guys, we can't have this rumor out there.

[A]

What did Caleb.

[B]

Stop. Yeah, what they did is sign an NDA. That's what they did. And so they won't be speaking to you. What if. What if you. What if you found out that was true? Everyone who works here had to sign an NDA because I'm so horrible.

[A]

You had me sign one after.

[B]

Who do you. Who's. Who do you hate? Who do you hate most? Who have you had the most trouble with?

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

In your time.

[A]

Besides my husband.

[B]

Besides your horrific nightmare. Toxically masculine husband.

[A]

Such a. He's such an alpha.

[B]

Tim. Tim Baltz.

[A]

Tim Baltz. One of the most alpha men alive.

[B]

More like Tim Dolt. A guy I've only ever seen. Be lovely.

[A]

Wait, I'm gonna take my. Can I. Can I put my shoes on the couch? I mean, my feet on the couch.

[B]

Of course. Do you want me to take my shoes off to.

[A]

Yeah, let's just get comfy.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

This is what I do at my therapist, and I'm kind of like, I bet you she hate.

[B]

What are you working on in therapy right now?

[A]

Everything. Yeah, Everything.

[B]

What's the biggest thing?

[A]

She got me on medication is the biggest thing.

[B]

What kind?

[A]

Cymbalta.

[B]

What is that? Is that up or downer?

[A]

It's ssri.

[B]

Ssri? And that's what makes you happy? Oh, anxiety. Okay. Yeah, anxiety. Are you an anxious person?

[A]

Extremely. But the thing is, I don't think I ever fully realized how anxious I am because I was like, this is normal to be like. I wake up in the middle of the night and have an anxiety attack, and I'm like, global warming is going to kill us. And then being like, what if my brother died? That's like the level of like.

[B]

Like, I think everyone's tremoring with fear at all times of the day.

[A]

Everyone does that in the middle of the night and doesn't sleep.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then finally, my. My friend Was like, have you ever thought about medication? And I was like, that's fucking crazy. Cause, like, my family's so anti medication in general, I feel like. And then I.

[B]

It's a hilarious thing to be as a family, by the way. One thing about us, we're against medication.

[A]

But then. But then they're all alcoholics, so it's.

[B]

Oh. Cymbalta is an FDA approved to treat major depressive disorder.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

What?

[A]

I guess I'm. I guess I'm really sad and angry.

[B]

With this condition, you may feel sadness, loss, or anger that interferes with your daily activity.

[A]

I'm literally finding out. I'm also so literally over here. Like, I guess I'm depressed.

[B]

Oh, so anxious.

[A]

I thought I was anxious, but I'm sad.

[B]

Yeah. I guess we're dealing with the anxiety via Cymbalta.

[A]

This is insane antidepressant.

[B]

It can treat. Oh, it can treat. Okay. It can treat depression, anxiety, diabetic peripheral neuropathy, fibromyalgia, and chronic muscle or bone pain. Is anyone impressed with how I rattled through those?

[A]

That's really fast. I couldn't string those together.

[B]

Could have been a doctor. Me.

[A]

You absolutely could have a surgeon.

[B]

Me as a doctor.

[A]

Such good bedside manner.

[B]

Where's my scalpel? Excuse me?

[A]

I've already asked for the fucking scalpel, like, four times.

[B]

Oh, I guess it's national don't bring my forceps day.

[A]

Go ahead and cough for me.

[B]

Cough for me, sweetie. I'm not gonna ask again.

[A]

Give me a cough.

[B]

Cough for me. How I talk.

[A]

Come for me. What I was gonna say is my. I mean, two things. First of all, so my. My friend was like, go on medication. I was like, that's crazy. I go to my therapist. I'm like. My friend said, like, I should go on medication. And she's like, yeah, we should talk about that.

[B]

Like, she's like, oh, I've been waiting.

[A]

She'd been holding it in for like, a long time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then the first psychiatrist I had, she killed herself. Can you edit that out?

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. And then.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

I know.

[B]

How recent. Had you done an appointment with her?

[A]

That's what I'm saying.

[B]

It's a game of hours, I think.

[A]

Literally like a 30 Rock joke. I mean, I had seen her for probably like three sessions, and then I got the news and I was like. And the thing is, I also.

[B]

You're like. You're like, I'm just feeling anxious lately. She's like, one second.

[A]

Goes to the other room.

[B]

You just hear a chair hit the floor. Some Writhing noises. Sorry, that's not.

[A]

It's so sad. And also it was like, extremely shocking. And also, like, my therapist was like, so how are you doing, Lily? Like that this happened to you on your mental health journey. And I was like, I don't know. And then also. So I've been not to like, rattle off all my illnesses, but you're again. Another day I go, I. Have you ever heard of a heat rash?

[B]

I've got them worse.

[A]

I have sibo. It's a small intestinal bacteria overgrowth.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

And so basically, like, going to the bathroom like 20 times a day, and I started seeing this GI doctor and they made me deliver my shit in a little to go bag.

[B]

Two days later, kills himself. No, no, Willie.

[A]

He quit the practice forever.

[B]

He got one bag of your shit and hung it up.

[A]

Literally was like.

[B]

He put his jersey in the rafters because he saw one bag of your shit.

[A]

He's like, I'm literally no longer going to be a doctor anymore after seeing this bag full of shit.

[B]

He got one bag of your shit and he hung his cleats up.

[A]

I'm telling you, I don't know what's going on. I'm making people.

[B]

You're wreaking havoc on the medical community.

[A]

It's like the first time I've ever asked for help. And this stuff's happening. It's really rough. It's really, really rough.

[B]

Oh, my God, dude. That is the funniest fucking thing I've ever heard.

[A]

Yeah, so.

[B]

So do you regret asking for help?

[A]

Yeah, I'm kind of like, well, what do I do now? And my therapist is like, yeah, I mean, it's okay to, like, take a pause, but. But she's great. She's been wonderful. Because I actually had a therapist before this who, like, I didn't realize was, like, breaking the rules of therapy kind of stuff. Like, I saw her and she also saw a friend of mine, and she was like. You know, I would say something to her and she would be like, well, we all know how Annie can be. And I What? And then I, like, started seeing this other therapist, and she's so much better. She's also seeing a friend of mine, and she doesn't do anything like that. Like, doesn't even acknowledge that my friend, like, exists. But so I've, like, been telling that to, like, friends about therapy stories. And this guy goes, because my. My other friend had a therapist who in the middle of the session, they're doing like a zoom. She goes, starts eating like this.

[B]

Why? So Quick.

[A]

So quick, like, to hide it. Yeah, so that, like, her, my friend, wouldn't notice that, like, she was eating during the session.

[B]

What?

[A]

Yeah. And then she goes. She starts, like, checking her phone constantly. And then she takes at the end face cream and goes. Starts rubbing it in.

[B]

What? Yeah, people are not well, dude.

[A]

People are unwell. And. And so then I was talking. She. She said that she, like, eventually, like, emailed her and was like, you seemed really distracted. And she's like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I'm diabetic. My numbers were low. Like, and I was so. I was like, checking my numbers on my phone. And I was like, don't be checking your phone. First of all, like, eat, eat before. Like, take 10 minutes to get the numbers normal.

[B]

Hey, you're a mental health professional charged with my well being. Don't be checking your phone.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Figure out your numbers before the one hour we spend together.

[A]

But then I'm like, we both were, like, together. Like, but what about the face cream? She never explained.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And this other guy I was talking to, he's like, I had a therapist ask if he could eat during the session, and guess what he ate. Corn on the cob.

[B]

Can you believe that? Can you imagine?

[A]

I can't believe it. Corn on the fucking cob.

[B]

Wow. So I've just. Lately, I can't escape the thought that, like, my life will never get better and maybe I should just end it all. She's going in on the cob. Going in on a cob. I want to know how many he had. How many cobs he had. I want to know how many cobs.

[A]

I didn't even think of that. He probably had multiple cobs because you're.

[B]

Thinking it might have been a singular cob. He might have had a bucket of cobs.

[A]

That's a really good point. Because when you eat corn, you eat a lot of it.

[B]

He just cranks one out every couple seconds.

[A]

Puts it all in at once.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Pulls it out.

[B]

Just takes them all off.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Or even worse, he does that thing that you sometimes do for kids where he, like, starts cutting it off the cob and then spoonfuls it.

[A]

That would be. That's so messy.

[B]

That's really, really messy.

[A]

You guys don't do that.

[B]

Have you ever had the experience, guys.

[A]

Please don't eat corn like that.

[B]

Have you ever had the experience where one of your friends tells you that they are thinking about going to school to become a therapist and the reality is that they are the most disturbed person you've ever met. Like, I.

[A]

This happens every single one.

[B]

No fewer than seven times has a close friend been like, I think I'd be a good therapist. And I'm like, you shouldn't even really be talking to people at all, let alone in an advisory capacity.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Some of the most fucked up people I've ever met think they should be therapists.

[A]

I mean, absolutely. Like, I. Most everyone I know, but that, that's the weird part about seeing a therapist because I'm like, I think she seems normal, but what do her friends say? Yeah, I don't know.

[B]

Is she older than you or younger than you?

[A]

She's older. I have to do older. I can't do same age.

[B]

That's something I've worried about.

[A]

What do you have one?

[B]

I don't do therapy. I'm really strong, I think.

[A]

Caleb.

[B]

No, I don't need therapy or drugs. I'm quite strong. But I know that some people do so strong. But it's.

[A]

I know I'm weak.

[B]

No, I just have. I did therapy for a little bit in college and I found it quite annoying.

[A]

Well, you have to find the right one. You have to shop around. My mom was like, it should scratch an itch that, like, your friend can't. Like, you're like a friend over wine can't.

[B]

Yeah. Okay.

[A]

And. And now, like, now that I have one, I'm like preaching.

[B]

No, I started a new one. I should do that.

[A]

Yeah. We'll find you in.

[B]

Definitely. Fans are going to be in the comments and be like, based on some of the things you've said on the show, you need to be in therapy.

[A]

Like, Caleb needs help.

[B]

Caleb.

[A]

Caleb.

[B]

My biggest fear doing a podcast is that there's going to be an article that's like, fat gay comedian sounds off and Internet disagrees thoughts and then it spurs more.

[A]

You know, you'd probably get more listenership out of that.

[B]

It would. But I'm not one of those guys. Yeah, I'm not. That's for like the right wing crowd where they're like, the rage. Only fuels my ad clicks. I'm not one of those.

[A]

We need more of those on the left though. We need more of those, like Joe Rogan types.

[B]

Yeah. More people using their privilege to sit next to their friend on a plane.

[A]

Yeah, please.

[B]

Yeah, I'm not one of those guys. I want. I do. I don't need to be liked. There are times when I'm okay not being liked.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like if I like. I got some negative comments when I posted about abortion rights in Missouri. I'll take up that fight. Happy to be disliked on that. That's fine. But that's because I'm a martyr and a hero.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

When it's things about my personality, Lily.

[A]

You know, I know I'm like, very sensitive. Like, if people comment anything even slightly negative, I'm like, oh, my God, what's.

[B]

The one that got to you most recently?

[A]

Oh, man, don't let me be alone here. Well, I think the thing like people, because I do a lot of comedy. Bang, bang. So then I'll do all these characters. So then it'll be like someone being like, I don't like that character as much as this character. So it's like, not even like that negative. It's like. And I'll be like, all day long, like, oh, my God.

[B]

Yeah. Fuck.

[A]

I really got to work on my fucking character. So, so depressing.

[B]

I've got to get down to the wig store. This isn't working exactly. Really lock in.

[A]

Oh, by the way, I didn't say that when I had to deliver the shit, first of all. Yeah, I had to do it at my house.

[B]

Yeah, okay. You had to shit in a bag?

[A]

I had to. No, I had to, like, yeah, shit and scoop.

[B]

Do you shit into the toilet and.

[A]

Then somebody else, they give you, like a mini toilet that goes like, in the toilet, essentially, and then you are supposed to scoop it into this thing. I almost puked like nine times doing it. I told Tim, I told Timmy to leave, like, the planet. I was like, you have to go to another, like, state while this is going on. And then I had to drive it back down to the doctor's office, which is inside of a mall downtown. Like, inside of a mall. So I'm.

[B]

I don't think you were interfacing with the doctor. Every new detail you reveal, I start to feel that you were not working with a doctor.

[A]

It was a doctor. It was a GI Doctor. Ucla help walking them.

[B]

You go, yeah, they sent me a mini toilet home and asked me to shit in it. And then I had to go back to. Well, I had to go back to Little Tokyo and deliver it to an alleyway. And after that they closed down the office. It's like some guy with a fetish.

[A]

It was worse than that. I had to walk past a Uniqlo with, like, my bag of shit.

[B]

Not a Uniqlo with your bag of shit. Did you have it out in the open?

[A]

Yeah. To go back, it looked like a to go bag. It was fucking horrifying. I was driving with it like Next to me, honey. Yes. Anyway, don't sell your shit.

[B]

You guys don't sell your shit. Don't do it, guys. Don't do it. That's so crazy, girl.

[A]

It was fucked.

[B]

I hate to hear that. Did they figure anything out? Are you going to be okay?

[A]

I mean, I just went on medication.

[B]

More medication for my. How many pills are you doing a day?

[A]

So many pills and it's not working. So many pills.

[B]

You seem good.

[A]

Yeah, no, I'm doing good.

[B]

You seem good. You had a great Halloween costume.

[A]

Yeah, thank you. I thought of that the day of.

[B]

Wanted to compliment you on that.

[A]

Yeah. But you didn't, so I am. Oh, okay.

[B]

No, we asked you to come in.

[A]

I was waiting for like, the big, like, on Insta.

[B]

Like you wanted me to do like a grid post. Yeah, okay.

[A]

On grid.

[B]

Okay. I'll take the note.

[A]

I'm looking forward to it.

[B]

I'll take the note. I thought it was genius. I thought it was so fun. It felt very you.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

I thought, wow. I saw it on my feed and I said, my friend Lily is having a nice time.

[A]

Yeah. I dressed up for the listener. Like the Italian gymnast who was sponsored by parmesan cheese.

[B]

Yeah. You posed with a big wheel of cheese.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Could have done some more work on the cheese wheel. Can I get that?

[A]

I made it in one day.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So maybe next time it needs. We take a couple more days. Cause the cheese wheel was the only part that I thought. She did phone it in on the cheese wheel.

[A]

Shut up. That took me a long time. It took me a while to make that. What were you.

[B]

I was at a film festival. I didn't get to do anything.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I'm thinking about throwing a. Halloween or Not Halloween. A costume party for my birthday, though.

[A]

Oh, my God. Yes. If you'd like to come, I would love.

[B]

I think perhaps it'd be in January. January. January. Costume party.

[A]

I've been in Los Angeles testing.

[B]

Well, no, you'll have to fly to New York.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

But I think it'll be worth it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I've looked at a space now. Oh, I need to message that guy.

[A]

How big are we talking?

[B]

How many people? Yeah, I think like 400.

[A]

Holy fuck.

[B]

Yeah. I would throw a proper party.

[A]

I love.

[B]

Well, it's New York.

[A]

Yeah. You're very New York now.

[B]

You don't want to throw a small party in New York? In Williamsburg, New York?

[A]

In New York?

[B]

Yeah. Not in New York.

[A]

No, not in New York.

[B]

Maybe in Tulsa or something like that. Some pointless place. Like Oklahoma City.

[A]

Yeah. Like Crown Point, Indiana.

[B]

Yeah. Maybe some pointless place, like some place in Oklahoma, for example. But no, if I'm in New York, I'm gonna throw a party with four or five hundred people.

[A]

Okay. Okay. Ye.

[B]

Well, I'll have the space for that. Do I think 400 people will show up? I don't know, because I wouldn't. It's not obviously open to the public. Yeah, I know some of the listeners are going to be thinking, oh, I can come. You can. No, you'll never get the party.

[A]

No, I'm going to tell you right now, you will not be there.

[B]

You're not getting the particle. Because if I open up to everyone, that would just be chaos. And my birthday party is supposed to be for 400 of my nearest and dearest. So what are you going to be?

[A]

What's your costume?

[B]

I was thinking if I do it, I'll do a really involved. It'll probably take two or three people to pull off. Okay, I'll do a really involved Marie Antoinette.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Cause you gotta imagine me twerking and smoking a joint on my 30th birthday dressed as Marie Antoinette.

[A]

That would be so incredible.

[B]

That's for the history papers. Freaking papers.

[A]

The history papers.

[B]

For the history papers. Freaking Vogue magazine would probably write a piece.

[A]

You have to do that. You would look incredible.

[B]

Yeah, I do. I do think I could throw a big. I do think I could throw a big costume party.

[A]

I think so, too.

[B]

And I think you could come.

[A]

So what am I gonna be? I have to, like, redo the cheese.

[B]

I think if you're gonna do that costume again, I think we spend more time on the cheese wheel. That is my one. No, I think you could do something different, though. Can I pick your costumes for my birthday?

[A]

Go ahead, please.

[B]

I would have you be a really, really. Oh, this is fun. Okay.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

But you have to really go all out. Okay. You have to get, like, a costumer and like a makeup artist and all that stuff. And like, maybe like the team who did the whale for Brendan Fraser. But I'm not gonna have you be the whale.

[A]

My favorite movie.

[B]

Who would have you be Shrek?

[A]

You know, I want to be Shrek.

[B]

Like photorealistic Shrek.

[A]

Tiny Shrek. No, what are you talking about? I'm not stilts.

[B]

Well, you can be short Shrek, but I want you to put on, like, a bodysuit. I want you to be fat Shrek. I want you to get the ears to where it looks like they're actually in part of your Head.

[A]

So then is Tim Fiona.

[B]

Yo. Of course.

[A]

Yeah, of course.

[B]

But he has to be ogre Fiona. He can't be regular Fiona. And he has to also get, like, not what's in cgi. What am I thinking of? Prosthetics.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I think I would have to get prosthetics, too. Do you not think both of you.

[B]

Both of you have to get prosthetics?

[A]

You're like, no, actually, you don't need prosthetics when we dress up as Shrek.

[B]

Come as you are.

[A]

Just paint your face green.

[B]

Yeah. Tim will need prosthetics. You, on the other hand. No, you'll both need prosthetics. I think. It's just. It's my 30th.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so I don't want anyone to phone it in.

[A]

For sure. You know, one of the cringiest Halloween costumes that I think I want to be.

[B]

What? That's what I want you to look like. By the way, guys, when we pull up pictures on the show, can we start putting them on the screen? In the YouTube video? People are getting mad. Commenters literally are getting mad. They're saying, why can't I see what you're seeing? And I think they're right.

[A]

It sounds like the audience is really mad.

[B]

My audience is really. They have an ownership over the show that this is what you should look.

[A]

Like, though, for Shrek, honestly, it's not going to take much.

[B]

Well, it'll take quite a bit because he also. He's phoning it in a little bit. But the ears do look like part of his head, which I like.

[A]

I do like the Shrek weddings where the people get married at Shrek or Shrek.

[B]

There's like a. Been a Shrek rave before.

[A]

Yeah, I love it. Yeah, that's a good one.

[B]

That is a good one.

[A]

Wait, what the.

[B]

I would love to play Shrek in something. This just fell off, I guess in Shrek. What's this movie called? His movie's called Shrek. Huh? Yeah.

[A]

This is insane.

[B]

That's what I want you guys to come up.

[A]

What is that? Like, Is that like Heidi Klum or something? That looks like a really advanced costume, by the way.

[B]

Mind you, if I do costume party for 30th birthday. Doing a step and repeat.

[A]

Fuck, yes.

[B]

Heidi might be there. You never know.

[A]

Are you close?

[B]

Heidi Klum and I? Yeah, not yet, but you know how Hollywood is.

[A]

Matter of minutes, matter of moments.

[B]

It's all about moments, and I hope I'm coming up with that.

[A]

I see things as moments.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, God. You should be a publicist. You're. You're most of the way there. You're beautiful. You wear good sweaters.

[A]

Aw, thank you.

[B]

You carry a nice handbag and a loafer.

[A]

Thank you so much.

[B]

You could be a publicist. So easy.

[A]

I'm trying.

[B]

Who would you like to be a publicist for? Or what? What would you like to be a publicist for? It could be a person, a concept.

[A]

A thing, probably like a famous animal of some kind.

[B]

Oh, like the hippo that everyone loves. What's her name? Moo Dang Mu Dang. Yeah, I've about had it with her coverage.

[A]

I think everyone has. When she predicted the presidency.

[B]

I'm fed up. When she picked the Trump cake. I was fed up before that, though.

[A]

She bites, but that's the fun part. She's nasty.

[B]

I don't find that charming.

[A]

She's fucking vicious.

[B]

Hurting people is no fun.

[A]

But when it. When you're small like that, it's funny.

[B]

But guess what? She won't be small forever. And now we've rewarded her for biting.

[A]

Well, I'm sorry. She can't be on the show.

[B]

No, she can't.

[A]

Yeah, I know.

[B]

You would be a publicist for Mudang.

[A]

Yeah, Mudang. I would be a publicist for. What are some other famous animals?

[B]

Oh, Harambe.

[A]

God.

[B]

God, did he need one. He could have used some spin right around.

[A]

Yeah, he really could have.

[B]

Yeah, well, he killed that kid.

[A]

Yeah, it's horrible. Yeah, horrible. Shamu.

[B]

Shamu, of course. Yes, of course. Is that a real animal?

[A]

Yeah, Shamu.

[B]

I felt that it was made up for a movie. Shamu. No, no, real animal. Wow.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Who else is there? Famous animals.

[A]

The Frasier dog.

[B]

Oh, of course.

[A]

Brian from Family Guy.

[B]

Brian from Family Guy. Oh, he could use a publicist. He's always putting out a book or something, you know. You guys ever notice how the days are shorter but your to do lists aren't? Power through your busy days with factors. No prep, no mess, meals from breakfast to dinner and anything in between. Factor has easy, nutritious options to keep you fueled and feeling your best. Whether you like routine or you enjoy mixing things up, factor has you covered with 35 different delicious meals every week and over 60 additional convenience options you can add to your box, like keto cookies, Yum. Pressed juices and smoothies even. Don't let shorter days slow you down. Stay energized with America's number one ready to eat meal delivery service. In all seriousness, you guys use your time more efficiently. Okay. So important during these dark months, Web Factor takes shopping, prepping, cooking, and cleaning up off your daily list of things to do. And folks get this factor's cheaper than takeout and dining out. I know it sounds crazy, but I swear it's so True. Head to FactorMeals.com 50 so True and use code 50 so True to get 50 off your first box plus free shipping. That's code 50 so True at FactorMeals.com 50 so true to get 50% off your first box plus free shipping while your subscription is active. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this podcast. Yes, thank you, Aura Frames. Jake, you have one of these? Of course I do. I have several, actually. It's a digital picture frame that you give to loved ones like your parents. And then you can upload photos as they come in, and they get to see those photos wherever they are in the world. It's simple, it's easy, and it brings joy. What's better? Nothing better than joy. This holiday season, it's easy to set up and it's the perfect gift for any occasion. And you can get free unlimited storage. And the photos look like real prints. Yeah, it's fun, it's interactive, and there's nothing family likes more than new pictures of new family members. It's true. Sometimes my mom will text me and be like, we need more photos now. So right now, Aura has a great deal. And you can go to Oraframes.com to get $30 off plus free shipping of their best selling frame if you use code Headgum. Headgum. That's Aura A U R A frames dot com. Use code headgum at checkout to save Headgum. That's right. Terms and conditions apply. Of course. Thank you, Aura Frames. I'd like to do it for the concept of homosexuality.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I feel that we've. Gay. Gay has not gotten a lot of good press recently, so.

[A]

Yeah, tell me.

[B]

I'd just like to up the profile of gay. I'd like to up the profile of gay and say what we're doing and what we're not doing.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You know how we're reacting to certain things, how we're not reacting to certain things? I'd like to say what restaurants are gay and what restaurants are not gay.

[A]

Ooh, let's do that.

[B]

Where are we eating? You know where I had a transcendent meal recently?

[A]

Tell me.

[B]

Well, I'll tell you. I went to a restaurant in Brooklyn, New York, in the Clinton Hill neighborhood of Brooklyn, New York, called Dinner Party, run by a team of women chefs. One of their names is Joy, who I got to meet at the restaurant. They served me an incredible meal. Lily. And what it was, it's dinner party, is the concept. You sit at communal tables, and they serve one meal, and you just lock in.

[A]

Gorgeous.

[B]

You eat what they serve.

[A]

I love that.

[B]

And they bring it to you on different plates and silverware. It's funky. They've got candles.

[A]

It sounds so nice.

[B]

Oh, it was lovely. I had the time of my life. I went with my friend Sabrina and my server Nubia, I believe was her name.

[A]

Oh, my God. You have such a good memory.

[B]

I believe it was. Her name was Nubia. I want to say that that's correct. It could have been Nudia or Nubia. There was a B or a D, but it was a beautiful name. Either way, the sounds were there. Gorgeous young woman, New York native. And we had a lovely conversation. We sat outside afterwards for a while. It was just chilly enough to be. You need a jacket. But it was still comfy.

[A]

Beautiful.

[B]

And I had a lovely meal and a lovely conversation, and so I had a really good time at dinner party.

[A]

So would you go? That means that that restaurant is gay.

[B]

That restaurant is gay because I enjoyed it. Trying to think of where.

[A]

So, like, what's a street restaurant?

[B]

Oh, God. Kfc.

[A]

Kfc?

[B]

Or where have I eaten recently? That didn't feel so gay. Oh, I went to Chin Chin in West Hollywood last night. The light on my table didn't work. You talk about a metaphor.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You talk about a metaphor.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The light doesn't work.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

There's no light.

[A]

Nobody's home.

[B]

There's no light. Straight.

[A]

No Joy.

[B]

No Joy. Straight. Yeah. Chin Chin. West Hollywood did not feel gay to me.

[A]

This conversation's so hard for me because I'm. I'm straight.

[B]

You're not totally straight, are you?

[A]

No.

[B]

Yeah, I didn't think so.

[A]

We'll see.

[B]

I've seen. I've seen enough.

[A]

We'll see.

[B]

I've seen enough to know there's queer in there somewhere. Don't you think?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

A little bi.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Would Tim ever let you?

[A]

Well, I don't know. He hasn't really gotten there. Wait, you sounded British, but, Tim, haven't that you. I do feel like. Yeah. Like, I remember I'm. I'm open to it, but I feel like I never got hit on by women. I've never been hit on by a woman ever.

[B]

I don't think that's true.

[A]

Well, I. If. If it isn't true, is that. Yeah. Does that make sense?

[B]

Sure. Yeah.

[A]

Then I am, like. I'm completely oblivious.

[B]

I think it might be, unbeknownst to you, I feel that. I know. I know lesbians.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I know lesbians well.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I know that lesbians are interested in you.

[A]

Really?

[B]

I can see the whole thing.

[A]

That's really nice.

[B]

Yeah, I can see the whole thing. And maybe if Tim's interested, you guys could bring in a third.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

A woman sometime.

[A]

Okay. Tim. Let me know.

[B]

Tim.

[A]

Shout out, Tim.

[B]

Tim. I love you guys as a couple.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I would not mind you guys adding a third every once, even just for fun.

[A]

Do you want. Are you trying. Is this, like a pitch? Is this an audition?

[B]

I love you guys as a couple, but bringing in someone that you know and like, just for a little fun every once in a while.

[A]

Someone who might live in New York, you know?

[B]

Yeah. Who visits anybody. Who's gonna throw a great costume party.

[A]

Big costume party coming up.

[B]

Who has a Shrek and Fiona fetish?

[A]

You'd be our donkey. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, how sweet would that be? How sweet would that be for the three of us to fuck in those costumes?

[A]

God, that'd be fun. That'd be so fun.

[B]

All we need is our Puss in Boots. Yeah.

[A]

Can I change? Can I be Puss in Boots, please?

[B]

Yes, of course. You know what?

[A]

Tell me.

[B]

Someone said to me the other day, I was wearing a sweater vest, a T shirt, a chain, some slacks, and some loafers on Instagram.com, the website.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I posted it to my Instagram story, and someone responded me and said, not you dressed like a masked lesbian. Now, that's totally fine.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I want to say, who do you think masked lesbians are dressing like?

[A]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

Give me a break, folks. These ladies are dressing like boys. So you're telling me a boy. That I'm dressed like a lady dressed like a boy. Let's do some. That's the thing with the equations where you can divide both numbers and they go smaller. What's that called? Do you know what I'm saying?

[A]

What do you say?

[B]

Do you know what I mean?

[A]

Divide both numbers.

[B]

It was like six eighteenths. That actually comes down to a third.

[A]

Like a fraction.

[B]

Yeah. Simplify that fraction.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Thank you, Virginia. We could simplify that fraction.

[A]

Yeah, we could. We could.

[B]

Oh, honey, you can simplify that fraction. I'm dressed like a girl who's dressed like a boy. Hello.

[A]

Yeah, it does feel like. Well, I almost want to live in that reality where it's like, we forget all where this is all coming from. Yeah, it's nice.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

Like, I want to go.

[B]

You forget the origin of everything.

[A]

Yeah, I do.

[B]

That's nice.

[A]

Yeah. Isn't it?

[B]

Just eliminate. Well, I do think it's because my fan base is so lesbian.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That they actually aren't capable of grasping that something happened before lesbian. You know, like, to them, lesbian is the original source material.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And I love that.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

But I do. I would love to be a part of the lesbian community.

[A]

I mean, I. I have so many lesbian friends. I feel like I am sort of like cosplaying.

[B]

But you feel you've never been hit on by one of them? No, I feel that you have. Who's your number one lesbian friend that I know.

[A]

Does fight count?

[B]

Yeah. Well, they're. Yeah, they're. They're. They them these days?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I will.

[A]

What are you calling them?

[B]

I will give them a call. We haven't had them on the show yet, and we really need to. But let's see. Let's just see what they think, shall we?

[A]

Yeah. They're gonna be a fucking asshole. I know it.

[B]

Oh, yeah. They're a nasty individual.

[A]

They're nasty. And they're not picking up.

[B]

They might not answer. Yeah, they might be television or film set. This is horrific.

[A]

Watch. I'm gonna call after. Let's see.

[B]

And they're gonna pick up.

[A]

They pick up for me.

[B]

Oh, this is so sick. I'm sick to my stomach right now. They probably know you're in here. Are you calling now?

[A]

No, I'm gonna wait.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Your call has been. And now I'm starting. This will make me sick if they pick up. We're in such trouble.

[B]

This will make me sick.

[A]

Someone did this to me in high school and I had my. I was trying to call. I tried to call my friend. She didn't pick up. And then I was like, to this other guy, I'm like, call her right now. He called. She picked up. I'll never live it down. Should we leave a message?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Are you calling them?

[B]

I'm calling Katie Kershaw.

[A]

Your call has been forwarded. We gotta leave a voicemail.

[B]

Hey, Katie.

[A]

Katie. Yeah, what's up?

[B]

Hey. You're on. You're. You're live on. So True with me and Lily Sullivan.

[A]

Katie. Hi, Katie. We are so close, right? We're like BFFs. We are. Yes.

[B]

Okay. Well, I wanted to ask Lily. Lily has a theory on. Has. Has brought up a theory on the pod that she has never been hit on by a Lesbian. Do you find that believable?

[A]

Are you taking a shit? I mean, yeah, I kind of do.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Why do you say that? I don't know.

[A]

I think it's something about maybe the way she carries herself.

[B]

I gotta go. I love you. Bye.

[A]

Oh, my God. This is the worst day of my fucking life. Oh, my God.

[B]

I think I'm actually gonna cry as if things like. Cause I did not. Lily, you have to understand, I didn't. I'm sorry. I didn't know that was going to go that way.

[A]

I just literally think they're, like, not good for me right now. Like, I'm on so many fucking pills.

[B]

I hope that the Cymbalta can.

[A]

The Cymbalta's like, not even working, and, like, I'm shitting like crazy. And then now I find out that, like, no lesbians ever, like, have hit on you.

[B]

That's really crazy. Dude, I'm so sorry. I never thought Katie would.

[A]

What about Shelby? Do you think Shelby would say that I've been hit on?

[B]

Just give her a call. This podcast can be whatever we want it to be. I don't care anymore.

[A]

Should we do some.

[B]

I don't fucking care.

[A]

Let's do some prank calls.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Okay.

[B]

I'll do this one.

[A]

Call Domino's.

[B]

Shall we stay at my house in New York right now?

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

As we speak, it says it's calling, but I don't get that vibe. Based on the no ring, your call.

[A]

Has been forwarded to an animation.

[B]

Sometimes people are on do not Disturb, and you have to call them multiple times to get through.

[A]

She sent you straight to voicemail, I think.

[B]

No, she didn't have the chance. Oh. I accidentally checked my texts, and now I'm thinking about other stuff.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

I'm gonna walk back in with you, though. Ask me to walk in. Ask me to walk in.

[A]

Hey, lock in with me.

[B]

So, Lily, in. In. Earlier in your life.

[A]

Oh, my God. The clipboard.

[B]

Earlier in your life. Here, it says. So, so you went to Bates College in Maine.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You got an anthropology degree with a minor in theater. So you were destined to do podcasting. And in college, you did a show called Three in One.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Tell me a little bit about that, would you?

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Would you tell me about that?

[A]

Oh, it was a solo show.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Senior year.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I worked with the voice and speech coach, who was this, like, Eastern European lady who was really scary and mean, and she directed me, and we picked three pieces that I performed alone. And I cannot Tell you how. I mean, it must have been fucking terrible.

[B]

Do you remember any of the pieces?

[A]

One of them was like, a woman who is calling a magazine and she's like, I know the woman in the photo.

[B]

Give us a taste.

[A]

Okay, it's like this.

[B]

Hold on.

[A]

It's like this. Okay, I got the phone.

[B]

Hold on. Okay, action.

[A]

Hi, I'm looking at your catalog and on page 57 with the Wool Sherpa sweater with oatmeal cream undertones.

[B]

Can I pause you?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

This is so boring right now, but I'm wondering, does it get more exciting?

[A]

It gets really exciting. Wait.

[B]

Action.

[A]

Yep. With the oatmeal cream undertones. Yeah. And you know the woman in the photo, she's blonde, but she has sort of like strawberry undertones.

[B]

So I'm gonna pause you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

How much of this is about the undertones of different stuff?

[A]

Hardly any of it.

[B]

Okay, action.

[A]

Yeah, and she's wearing these dark jeans with sort of a blue undertone. I know her. I know her. I remember her. Okay, we worked together.

[B]

Cut. I'm gonna cut. I'm gonna stop you there.

[A]

Oh, God, I'm exhausted.

[B]

Was this actually the piece?

[A]

No, I don't remember the fucking piece. Really? Are you kidding?

[B]

Be authentic. On social.

[A]

You think that I remember something from college? I barely remember what I had for, like, breakfast.

[B]

I barely remember what I had for.

[A]

I fucking.

[B]

For example, for breakfast.

[A]

Literally, like, it took me, like, 25 minutes to come up with breakfast.

[B]

Do you believe in God? What do you think?

[A]

Well, I will say I was raised like nothing except for, like, Christmas. I was raised like nothing. I was raised like nothing except for Christmas.

[B]

What are you doing?

[A]

I got a text.

[B]

Is it from er.

[A]

I know it's from Katie. She said, miss you. She's trying to make up for being a fucking bitch.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Good fucking luck, sweetie.

[A]

She was such a fucking bitch. Now she's fucking texting me.

[B]

Yeah, of course she is. This is sick.

[A]

This is sick.

[B]

And guess what? She didn't used to be like that.

[A]

Yeah, so that's what I was gonna say.

[B]

LA change.

[A]

I tried to keep her in her place, make sure that she know just like I'm doing with you.

[B]

Yeah, you're keeping me in my.

[A]

Didn't work. Yeah, and look at her now. Nightmare. That could be you.

[B]

I'm gonna change soon. I do want to change soon.

[A]

No, don't.

[B]

Yes, I'm gonna switch up soon.

[A]

Well, like, you're gonna be mean to someone if they're, like, waiting in line for a coffee or Something.

[B]

Yeah. I want to. Like. I want to. Like, for example, like, right now. If I needed something from Chance, like, right now, I'd be like. I'd be like, chance, would you mind? Is it okay? And I think soon I want to be like, where the fuck is my thing? Like, I want to. I want to turn into one.

[A]

I want to try it. Let me try.

[B]

Okay. Be me. The chance. He doesn't mind.

[A]

Okay. I had asked for ice.

[B]

So, yeah, there's. You're lacking. It was a little bitchy, I guess, but it could use some intensity.

[A]

Okay. Okay.

[B]

Maybe you'd like to call him some kind of name based on his appearance or something.

[A]

Hey, Kansas City bitch. I asked for fucking ice. And I'm sitting here like a little stupid idiot.

[B]

Okay, Don't. Don't ever insinuate that you're looking stupid in this.

[A]

What?

[B]

Can I give you two notes? Yeah, please don't ever insinuate that you're looking stupid when you're dressing down someone else.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And also, instead of kin City little bitch, because that's not really an insult or a thing, maybe go with, like, action.

[A]

I can't.

[B]

Come on.

[A]

I can't.

[B]

Okay, well, you. You dodged my question about God.

[A]

Okay. Okay. This is how I feel about God.

[B]

Hold on. Let's reset because we've done. This has been a silly interview. Let's reset and get serious.

[A]

Okay? Let's get serious.

[B]

You deserve a serious interview. And I know I've been silly and I've been all over the place, and God knows I called, and God knows I made five phone calls during the episode.

[A]

It makes me feel like I'm not interesting enough. Like you had to call other people.

[B]

No. You're so interesting, Lily. I begged for you to be on this show. You said no a couple times.

[A]

Yeah, I did.

[B]

I said no, and that was really fucked up.

[A]

I said no about, like, five times.

[B]

Yes. And so we finally got you in, and I want to do a serious interview with you. So let me lock in really quick. Do you mind if I take one second?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Let me just. I'm going to do. Get into, like. Drew.

[B]

Yeah. You ready? Okay. Everybody's good? We're still rolling. Okay. So, Lily Sullivan, do you believe in God?

[A]

That's such a good question.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Do I believe in the concept? Yes.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Do I believe in he, she, they. As a person?

[B]

Right.

[A]

No.

[B]

So what does the concept mean to you? Tell me more about that.

[A]

Like if I am up for a job or like, if I'm looking for A parking spot. Or if I'm like really hoping that, you know, for example, my seaboat goes away, I'm going to pray and I'm going to ask for him to be there.

[B]

So let me just be clear really quick. You don't necessarily believe in the concept of an almighty force in the universe that promotes love and moves us towards good. You believe that you shouldn't have an upset tummy and should have a parking spot and a job.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

That's how I feel about him.

[B]

Okay. I love that.

[A]

Him or she or they.

[B]

Okay, nice.

[A]

It depends, you know, if I'm asking for a parking spot, it's him.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then for stomach stuff, it's her.

[B]

Yeah. And then of course, we all know career stuff. Is they.

[A]

They.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, of course. Well, that's really interesting.

[A]

But you know, my mom's family was Mormon. Broke away from the church.

[B]

Broke away from the Mormon church.

[A]

My grandparents did. And so literally I am the most. Nothing that you can kind of be. Except my dad, like has Greek traditions on his side. Greek Orthodox.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So we do a lot of like cooking related traditions.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

But I. It's so foreign to me that Tim and I once took a road trip and we stayed in Kearney, Nebraska, which is like a full on megachurch town.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

We got like a Airbnb and it was like a. It was like a McMansion in like a subdivision.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And like blue Lives Matter signs everywhere. And I was like, we go in the house, there's a massive crown of thorns. Like, I'm not kidding, like a six foot diameter.

[B]

That's what they put on Jesus's head.

[A]

That big. Oh, Jesus was fucking huge.

[B]

He was huge.

[A]

No one talks about it.

[B]

No one talks about that. He was massive.

[A]

He was so big. You guys.

[B]

Yeah. Do you think Jesus was hung?

[A]

No.

[B]

Well, not from the cross, you know.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

I was like, it's just, you know, here's the thing.

[A]

No, I do. I think he had a big cock.

[B]

Jesus was an actual man in the story. And if that's true, he had a cock.

[A]

He absolutely had a cock.

[B]

And you have to wonder, was it curved? Was it veiny? Was it big? Was it small?

[A]

This is what I think it was.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

First of all, I think it was uncircumcised.

[B]

Nice. That's pretty cool.

[A]

That's awesome.

[B]

I don't think we're supposed to be cutting the skin off those things.

[A]

I don't think so either. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

So he's uncircumcised.

[A]

I Think it's big, but it's like medium big. You know, it's not too big that it's, like, painful.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But it's like a grower. Yeah, it's medium big and it's a grower.

[B]

Yeah. Well, it would just be so funny to think about worshiping a God who has Ed. You know what I mean? It would just be so funny to think about, like, if. If we did the historical research to find out that Jesus couldn't come and he wasn't even on, like, antidepressants or whatever. Like, he just couldn't. He couldn't come.

[A]

He couldn't come.

[B]

It'd be like, oh, man, what a guy to worship.

[A]

He was kind of like, edging until his death.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

In that case.

[B]

Oh, that's beautiful, actually.

[A]

Isn't that nice?

[B]

I don't know why I went negative, because that could be beautiful.

[A]

It's happy.

[B]

Yeah. But there was a thorn of crown of thorns in the apartment or a house.

[A]

In the house. Massive crown of thorns, Bible sayings everywhere, which, like, maybe you're more. Tim's more used to, like, growing up with people who are that religious.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So, like the whole house, he was like. He's like, yeah, it's not that weird. And I'm like, every single wall had, like, Jesus nailed to the cross, like, really violently. And I was like, so fucking terrified. I was like, can you hold my hand? Like, when we were going to sleep, I was like, I'm so scared. Like, it's terrifying to me. Some of the imagery.

[B]

Yeah. I think it would be for someone who's not used to it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I definitely grew up around a lot of that imagery. It's. It's. It's a weird. You know what's funny is the number of, like, Christians I know from my hometown that are like, we don't want drag queen story hours in schools. And I'm like, I grew up listening to a detailed descriptions of people. People's flesh burning in hell.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Somebody in a dress reading a book does not even touch the surface of what I heard as a kid. But the juxtaposition of that is very funny.

[A]

It's outrageous.

[B]

Like, they can't see that. I'm like, you guys took us to a hell house.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Where you depicted people burning in hell, screaming and writhing.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And drag queens are not. Okay.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Crazy.

[A]

Crazy.

[B]

But yeah, it is. It's tough imagery. That's what they need. They need to. It's fear. It's a fear based mlm.

[A]

It is. It Is mlm.

[B]

It's a fear based mlm.

[A]

I've never even thought of it that way. But. Yeah, well, I'm.

[B]

You know, you don't have to. Don't get down on yourself for not thinking of it that way. I'm a bit of a poet and a philosopher and I oftentimes will frame things in a way that.

[A]

Don't get too high on your horse. Okay. Oh, come back down to earth for a second.

[B]

Was I getting.

[A]

You were getting really, really outrageous.

[B]

Sorry, was high. I don't even notice it. Isn't that scary.

[A]

You were becoming like fully like la nightmare.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

I know.

[B]

I did not know that. And I'm actually. There's a blank space in my mind where the moment happened. I blacked out just now.

[A]

I know. That's how it happens, dude.

[B]

I know I did. I mentioned my follower count because I blacked out and I'm worried. I know I'm blacked out and I worried. I mentioned my follower account.

[A]

Don't do it. Okay. No, we didn't hear and we don't want to know. Stop. I know you want to say it. I know you're itching to fucking say it.

[B]

Not even on one platform. I couldn't say. Wait, I have something for you.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Put on those headphones.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

We've got a voicemail from our fans. You know, the fans asked us to bring this back, so I'm trying to remember to do it.

[A]

Ooh.

[B]

Our fans are very involved in the show.

[A]

It really seems like it.

[B]

I do wonder if they like me. Many of them, they listen.

[A]

I've heard. Yeah. I mean, it seems like a lot of controversy.

[B]

There's a lot of controversy in the so Trueniverse.

[A]

It's the epitome of controversy on here.

[B]

It's the epitome of controversy in the so Trueniverse.

[A]

So true. Diverse.

[B]

What do we have?

[A]

Are they. Are your fans? So true. Hi, Caleb, an esteemed guest.

[B]

This is Via.

[A]

And I need to know the truth of why everyone's book recommendations these days.

[B]

Are just fantasy smut books that aren't good. What is going on with this?

[A]

Why is that the only thing women kind of specifically are reading now these days? Thank you.

[B]

Have a good day. Women kind of specifically obsessed with Via.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Obviously obsessed with Via.

[A]

I mean, what are you.

[B]

I'm getting. Yeah. A lot of women in my life are recommending fantasy to me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I think more and more it's not my thing, but I have tons of friends who are.

[B]

Well, perhaps women are getting into fantasy because reality is so bad.

[A]

That's a really good point. Don't you feel that's why I watch reality tv? To run away.

[B]

To run away from reality life.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I think one of my friends actually, we started a book club and they were like, what's going on down there?

[B]

I was just playing with my shoe, But I was listening to you in a really big way.

[A]

One of my friends recommended this book and she was like, we should all start reading this for like, our book club. And it was a. It starts with this like, girl, like, you know, she's depressed. She moves to Santa Monica into her, like, her sister's house. She's like hanging out there. And then like halfway through, she starts like, meets this merman in like Santa Monica Pier and then they start like, fucking. And she brings him like a wheelbarrow back to the house and it's like he like, eats her tampon and like all this.

[B]

Does she have a pool for him to live in or something?

[A]

No, he just like.

[B]

He stays on land.

[A]

He stays on land.

[B]

Well, that's why he's eating her tampon. He's all out of sorts.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. Otherwise he'd be eating trash in the ocean.

[B]

Well, yeah. Be eating freaking kelp and sushi. And sushi and stuff like that.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sushi. Sugar fish.

[B]

Oh my God. You. That's about as close. Let me tell you something about sugar fish. Tell me about as close as you can get to eating fish in the ocean.

[A]

That stuff is fresh.

[B]

That stuff is fresh as all get out. And they're just laying fish over rice.

[A]

Uh huh.

[B]

Don't ask them for dynamite.

[A]

Don't ask them for sauce.

[B]

Don't ask them for eel sauce.

[A]

They don't even give soy sauce.

[B]

They don't. They do.

[A]

No. Never, never in my life.

[B]

We'll cut this. Lily. They do.

[A]

Trying to save me.

[B]

Lily, stop.

[A]

Lily, stop. You want to have a career in.

[B]

This town, Lily, if you want to work, please cut this and delete the file.

[A]

I'm so sorry. Please delete.

[B]

Lily. They do. No.

[A]

Yeah, they've literally never.

[B]

Their stuff is fresh, though.

[A]

It's so fresh. I couldn't believe how fresh it was. The way that that salmon hit my lips down my gullet.

[B]

You're kidding. But they're toasted sesame salmon. I mean, all jokes aside, absolutely fantastic. Hell of a piece. Hell of a piece of sush.

[A]

I've been going. This is one of the things that is out of control about me lately. To erewhon okay. And going to this.

[B]

I've never stepped foot in an era.

[A]

I had never gone until probably six months ago. Can't do it. I mean, it's absolutely everything wrong with everything.

[B]

It's a cursed ground.

[A]

It is. It is. It's offensive. Everything's so expensive. It's psychotic.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But anyway, they have, like, this area where all their sushi is. And I have been getting these, like, little sushi sandwiches that are, like. They make, like, the fried rice. Crispy rice is bread.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's fucking incredible.

[B]

Shit. That's enough to make me want to step foot in an Erewhon for the first time. What's in the middle? Like, spicy tuna?

[A]

Yeah. Tuna, crab, and I think some salmon, too.

[B]

Fuck. Is the crab one really good?

[A]

It's really, really good.

[B]

Fuck. This is really disturbing because I've been so proud of myself for never going. Because you know how in hocus pocus the witches can't set foot on the. On the cemetery.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I view it opposite, where it's like the bad people can only set foot in Erewhon. And if I avoid it, they can't get to my energy.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

But now that I know about this.

[A]

Piece of sushi, it's the only thing that I go there for because I'm not about to spend, like, $9 on an apple.

[B]

Well, have you heard any. Have you heard about those shakes?

[A]

Have you heard about that $25, Justin.

[B]

Well, have you heard about those shakes? They're. These folks are getting out of control.

[A]

Hailey Bieber smoothie.

[B]

Hailey Biber smoothie. I did not get that out, did I? I sometimes on this show can't stop from going into a Persona.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What do you think that means about me?

[A]

I think it means you're running from who you are. And, like, therapy could be really good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'll recommend someone.

[B]

That's one angle. I also think I just studied characters in Chicago much like you, and now I have an illness.

[A]

Well, yeah, I do too. Where? Especially with, like, being, like, fake mean to people. I do it all the time. And I'm like, I really gotta stop. It's a disease now.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's like, certain people like, oh.

[B]

Nice comment, ugly bitch.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Like, why are you. What?

[A]

Exactly. And then I'm like, I didn't know that person that well.

[B]

What are you gonna. Lily, let me ask you a question.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

What are you gonna do with all this talent of yours? What do you want? What's the dream? If I gave you $2 million and I said, Lily, 2 million? Yeah, I guess that's not that much, is it? I give you $5 million.

[A]

Okay, there we go. Now we're talking.

[B]

And I said, go make the Lily Sullivan project. What is it? Is it a sketch show? Is it a film? You would never make a sketch show. You're so talented in characters.

[A]

No, I don't like sketch.

[B]

Really?

[A]

No.

[B]

Oh, you're so talented at it. Lily, this makes me sick.

[A]

What?

[B]

You're so good at characters.

[A]

I. But sketch is just not appealing to me. I would rather do, like, a show where we're like, you know, we're all in character. It's like me and my close friends just, like, getting to be, like, play one character really well, going through, like, nightmare scenarios. Yeah, that seems like heaven to me.

[B]

Okay, so a show like that.

[A]

A show like that, perhaps, but I would rather do something like narrative than sketch show. I don't. It's not appealing to me. Yeah, narrative, like, having to think of, like, little things all the time is really exhausting for sketch instead of, like.

[B]

Walking in on this character over a long arc.

[A]

Yeah, I like that better.

[B]

I love that for you.

[A]

Yeah. Well, we'll see. When. When do I get the 5 million?

[B]

I don't have it right now, but I am working on it. Can you please put that on and leave it there? Golly. I mean, it's. You bring someone on your podcast. So it's because you've messed with the angle of the mic and now it's butting up against.

[A]

Well, I'm just like. It's not built for short.

[B]

You insist it is. It's built. Plenty of people your height have sat there. It's. You insist on. You took off your shoes. You're sitting on your legs. You're turned totally sideways. Your camera angle is going to be. Your camera angle is going to be a mess.

[A]

What are you talking about? Profile is good like this.

[B]

Like, your camera angle is going to be a mess. You keep knocking off the gospel.

[A]

How do I look right now? See? Thank you.

[B]

He has get paid to say stuff like that.

[A]

They tell you in photos, Gen Z tells you, Caleb, to turn your body, and then you turn your head.

[B]

I'm not listening to these kooks.

[A]

I learned a lot of their poses.

[B]

Gen Z. Yeah. I'm not listening to Gen Z.

[A]

This is sunflower.

[B]

Just kidding.

[A]

Sunflower like this?

[B]

Yeah. Huge. Do you know what? Oh, my God. Look.

[A]

What?

[B]

I felt 200 years old recently.

[A]

What happened?

[B]

I went to the University of Pittsburgh to do a talk. Okay, okay. I did a talk. To the students.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I was chatting with the young woman who. She must have been 19. She was so young. She was so young.

[A]

She must have been 19.

[B]

She must have been 19. She's all of 19 years old in a day.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

She's 50 pounds soaking wet with a brick in each pocket. Okay. She's a tiny little thing.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And I go to the college, and she's the one that's gonna be moderating my conversation.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Okay. So she and I are chit chatting a little bit beforehand. I start asking her what she's interested in. She says she loves YouTube and she's interested in making films. She was a very bright young woman.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I really enjoyed chatting with her and getting to know her and spending some time with her. I really had a good time with her. Okay, however. Okay, however, in our conversation, she said some things to me that felt to me like I was being spoken to in Sanskrit. She was speaking. She was speaking to me in ways I had never heard or understood.

[A]

What are you talking about?

[B]

She goes, I love YouTube. I go, oh, what do you watch on there? She goes, oh, like Flip Flop and the Dorse Boys. You know, I'm walked in on, like, I'm locked in on, like, James Darbledoop and, oh, my God, please tell me you're in on, like, the Crumple Tumor Universe. Crumpleton Twins Universe. And I'm like, I literally, I. At one point I had to say, what the fuck are you talking about? And she shows me, and she shows me. And then she goes. She goes. She shows me one of the videos. And she goes. She goes, yeah, this is like the 300th video. You'd have to watch a lot to understand the context, because it doesn't seem good without the context. And I was like, what's the context? And she was like, well, they're playing this game. And I was like, oh, so they're like game streamers. And she was like, no, no one cares about the game. It's like the commentary during the game. And I was like, so do you win the game? She's like, no, you just make them do absurd things. The characters.

[A]

What?

[B]

She's talking to me in a way that I felt like I was having a stroke, but she was, by the way. She was so smart and so, like. I really felt that she was locked into something cool, but I can't grasp it. And I said, I'm cooked. It's over for me.

[A]

Was this during the interview or this is after?

[B]

This is before. Okay, before we Were sitting in the room, in the little holding room.

[A]

So that's good. You felt really old before you went on stage.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We were sitting in the conference room that they called a green room, and we. I was sipping on some water and Diet Coke.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I had a lovely time. By the way, have you spent much time in Pittsburgh only.

[A]

Well, when I was on tour this summer, I stopped there, but for one day, and it seems so great.

[B]

It's a beautiful town. The University of Pittsburgh could not be a more beautiful city.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I love the amount they paid me to come. I had a fantastic time.

[A]

Yeah. And University of Pittsburgh. If you want me to come.

[B]

If you want.

[A]

I'm happy to go, give or take the same fee as Caleb.

[B]

It was so incredible. I had a great time. I really did. I love the University of Pittsburgh. The buildings in Pittsburgh are beautiful.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I love going there. I love. I've said this on the show before. You can look back at the records, listeners. I love doing Bottle Rocket. Bottle Rocket hit me up and said, you want to do a show after your time? I said, no, I'm tired. But I love that. So, you know, my point really was you love Pittsburgh. I love Pittsburgh. And you felt old and I felt ancient. I have a question for you.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

What's so true to you, Lily Sullivan?

[A]

This is a hard question.

[B]

Yeah, but it's the point of the show.

[A]

Does it have to be deep?

[B]

No, not at all. But you could.

[A]

I was gonna go not deep.

[B]

That's fine. Just. We'll cut this part. That's no big deal.

[A]

I guess what's so true to me is that a shower can be life changing.

[B]

But by the way, you're right.

[A]

It's absolutely.

[B]

That is deep in many ways. Think about that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Hold on, hold on.

[A]

Stop.

[B]

Let's just think about that.

[A]

Wait a minute.

[B]

A shower can be life changing.

[A]

Yeah. Because.

[B]

What are you talking about there? Access to clean water, plumbing. We talking about there. Getting clean, washing your sins away.

[A]

I'm scared. Is this.

[B]

Hold on. That actually can be deep.

[A]

Religious.

[B]

Eventually. That's probably where this all goes, right? Don't you think? Me sitting in front of three cameras with a microphone eventually takes that turn.

[A]

I would join your church.

[B]

Would you?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Good.

[A]

If you were like. Like, hey, come to my youth group. And we were like, in high school, I would probably be like, okay, maybe, but we're not.

[B]

What if I was my age and you were.

[A]

That would be really tough for me.

[B]

Okay. So you wouldn't join my church now?

[A]

No, you'd have to catch me young. You'd have to.

[B]

Like, a lot of my listeners are young.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Will you guys do me a favor? Hey, so truth truthers, guys, in the comments of this episode, just say whether or not you join a religion. If I joined one. And be ever. If I made one. And just be really serious so I can just get a headcount on who would be into it.

[A]

Yeah. And then go ahead and. You're gonna wanna go ahead and venmo me.

[B]

What?

[A]

At l a l y dash cut this s u l l dot com. Go ahead and send me your favorite $50 or $100 or more. Because you know that your girl's got you.

[B]

That doesn't make any sense. Why would you. Why would they send that to you?

[A]

And don't you forget, double your. Double your gift this Saturday.

[B]

Why would they double it on Saturday?

[A]

Double it up also.

[B]

What did you mean by your girls got you?

[A]

Go ahead. Your girls got you and you ain't gonna forget about it.

[B]

Literally, you're bleeding from the eyes.

[A]

Don't. Don't you forget.

[B]

But hey, a shower can be.

[A]

It can. It literally has always been my trick for if I'm feeling depressed, which apparently I am.

[B]

Your therapist tricked you. I'm gonna give you this pill for anxiety.

[A]

It's like massive depression.

[B]

No. You know what makes me sick to my stomach?

[A]

Tell me.

[B]

The fact that if I'm feeling badly, if I do this order of things.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Turn my phone off, make my bed, drink one to seven glasses of water, shave, take a shower and go on a walk.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And that sounds like a lot of things, but it's. That's. That's.

[A]

No, that's it.

[B]

That's maybe an hour and a half.

[A]

It's.

[B]

If I do every one of those things, there is a 90% chance that I will get return on investment happiness within the day.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And that's disgusting. That makes me sick.

[A]

It's so hard to leave on the walk, I gotta say. Oh, my God. It's getting harder and harder for me. Oh, my God, my fucking mental health walk. I'm just always like, oh, I should do it. And I hate it.

[B]

Yeah. Because it's none of the stuff I pine for.

[A]

No.

[B]

I don't pine for being clean and moving my body.

[A]

No.

[B]

I pine for a beautiful whirlwind romance in a billion dollars. Wait. I want to say, though, your shower. So true. Was really good.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

And I want you to stop discounting yourself.

[A]

I'm not. What did I say?

[B]

More deep that Was a deep thought, you said. This isn't deep. That was deep.

[A]

You're right. It was deep.

[B]

I want you to stop thinking, Lily. I know the way you walk around the world. You think you're not. You think you're not deep. You think you're unserious. You think your sweater's ugly and your purse doesn't match your outfit. You think your car is a piece of shit. You think your characters are strange, Lily. You think.

[A]

You think that GI doctor quit cause of your shit.

[B]

Yeah, you think.

[A]

You think.

[B]

You think your fucking psychotherapist yourself because your problems were too heavy. I'm here to tell you that none, Most of that. Some of that is not true.

[A]

It's like I didn't actually know any of that stuff. Like I'm just walking around my life and everyone's like, you're depressed. You need to stop talking bad about yourself.

[B]

Tim's hiding Cymbalta in cold cuts and approaching me with a steady hand.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

No. I love you to death. I just love you.

[A]

I love you.

[B]

So true was good. You're right about the so true, by the way. Do you wanna play a game?

[A]

Of course. Get the clipboard, Lily.

[B]

Lily. And they gave me a gay clipboard too. You know, they make these things out of wood and steel.

[A]

Said yours is plastic and purple.

[B]

They gave me the freaking Target Pride collection.

[A]

Which, by the way, your whole outfit is Target pride, Isn't it?

[B]

By the way they dress me like this. I come in here. Chance puts this stuff on me.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Chance, before every episode, he gives me a gay prep, like a pep talk. He goes. He goes. Don't forget to be a little loose with the wrist and say something pithy because he knows what sells.

[A]

Have you done enough of that this episode or you feel like you should add some more in?

[B]

Yeah. Hold on. What's really quick, Bitch or honey, do you guys have something I could sound off on?

[A]

Yeah. Can you sound off on gay does drive the money on parking spots?

[B]

Girl, if you're a parking spot and you're too small for my car. Let's get real, honey. Because I can't fit my car in there. Bitch. You need to make it bigger so I can back in. Queen.

[A]

That's really good.

[B]

That's a. That's a worth factor. Will pay three or four thousand dollars to put an ad on this one. That's good stuff. Well, Lily, okay. Or should I say Queen?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You don't have to do it.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Lily, we've got a segment for you. True or false? Segment, I'm going to read you 15 statements, and you're going to tell me as quickly as you can if you think they're true or false. And, Lily, if you get 10 or more correct for your prize, I'm going to give you 50 US dollars.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

So, are you ready?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Remember, speed is of the essence. Answer as quickly as you can.

[A]

Jesus. Okay.

[B]

A crocodile cannot move its tongue.

[A]

False.

[B]

True. The world's biggest pyramid is in Egypt.

[A]

True.

[B]

False. Mexico. There are more cars than saunas in Finland.

[A]

What? True.

[B]

False. Bryant Gumbel went to the University of Iowa.

[A]

True.

[B]

False. He went to Bates College, where he went to school. Disco means I learn in Latin.

[A]

Um. False.

[B]

That's true. You haven't gotten a single one right. I think you've already lost the game. This might be the worst one we've ever had.

[A]

I gotta get.

[B]

You broke the microphone again.

[A]

I gotta get them all done.

[B]

Snails don't sleep.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Snails don't sleep.

[A]

False.

[B]

They can sleep for up to three years at a time. A full moon is nine. A full moon is nine times brighter than a half moon.

[A]

True.

[B]

That's true. Oh, my God. We've never celebrated so little of a victory. Teddy Erico is the current mayor of Telluride, Colorado.

[A]

True.

[B]

True. You transfer more germs shaking hands than kissing.

[A]

False.

[B]

True. Diane Keaton is a master scuba diver. True. False. She is not. There are more trees on Earth than stars in the Milky Way galaxy.

[A]

False.

[B]

True. There's a Burger King at the corner of north and Wells in Chicago.

[A]

North and Wells.

[B]

A Burger King.

[A]

True.

[B]

False. It's a McDonald's. You spend a lot of time in that area.

[A]

North and Wells.

[B]

It is impossible to sneeze while you're sleeping.

[A]

Well, it falls.

[B]

True. Russia and the United States are 2.4 miles apart at their closest point.

[A]

True.

[B]

True.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

The average dog can understand about 10 words.

[A]

I'm literally not listening to the questions. I'm just saying. True or false.

[B]

The average dog can understand about 10 words.

[A]

True.

[B]

False. Over 150. How'd she do? She got three. She got three? Three.

[A]

Out of how many?

[B]

Fifteen.

[A]

What? Fifteen.

[B]

There were 15 in there.

[A]

Wow. And so feeling so good.

[B]

I don't want to do this, too, but I think you owe me money. We've never had to do this.

[A]

How many did I have to get right?

[B]

You needed to get 10.

[A]

And people do that.

[B]

Oh, with some regularity, yeah.

[A]

I literally started to black out when you were saying the questions. And then I was like, okay, I got it. I'll just instinctively know. And then, of course, I obviously didn't.

[B]

I don't want to be hard on you because it's obviously just a silly game, but you did get more wrong in a row out of the gate than I think we've ever seen. Just so you know.

[A]

No, it's all good. It's all good. It's awesome.

[B]

Are you okay? Because we can cut all that.

[A]

No, like, it's fine.

[B]

Did you want to fix the microphone.

[A]

Too, or do I need to?

[B]

Well, I. Just for the. I think Headgum likes it to be on there because they.

[A]

Headgum, a podcast company.

[B]

Do you want to do the. This is a Headgum podcast.

[A]

This is a headgun.

[B]

Hold on. Cut in action.

[A]

This is a Headgum podcast.

[B]

That's beautiful. We use that. They can actually use that for the company now you do it.

[A]

I want to hear yours.

[B]

This is a Headgum podcast. Do you want to do, actually, an ad for so True, just while we have you? Do you mind looking straight to camera and just telling them kind of what the show's about and just, like, in an accent? Yeah, and talk about me and talk me up and stuff like that as well.

[A]

Sure. Okay.

[B]

Action.

[A]

This is an awesome time to start listening to a very important podcast called so True with an incredible man, an actor, person, writer, comedian, director of.

[B]

Philanthropist. Director.

[A]

Philanthropist.

[B]

Single gay guy. Single gay guy.

[A]

Single gay guy. Caleb Huron.

[B]

Put in some applause there.

[A]

Listen now on Headgum.

[B]

You don't have to keep going or YouTube. Thank you, Lily. That was beautiful.

[A]

Was it good?

[B]

It was really, really good. It was really, really good.

[A]

It looks like you're cutting, like, most of the podcast.

[B]

Me? For real?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Will you be serious for one second? Are you worried about me? Are you worried about me?

[A]

Worried about you? How?

[B]

In any way do you. What do you think of me?

[A]

I think you're awesome.

[B]

Really?

[A]

I think you're killing it.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

And I think, yeah, you should get a therapist. Everyone in this industry needs one.

[B]

Do you really think that? Because I feel pretty balanced. What? Do you guys are close to me. Do you think I need it? Therapy.

[A]

Look at that. Oh, look at that. The answer is they're doing, like, a.

[B]

Fake pain, like, they're in trouble thing. These are my closest friends. Not everyone needs therapy.

[A]

Everyone needs therapy, at least for a little bit.

[B]

Everyone does not need therapy.

[A]

Yes, they do.

[B]

No, that is not true, you guys. That is not true, literally. Do you think everyone needs therapy?

[A]

Yeah, like, everyone who doesn't.

[B]

Well, I think I'm a pretty good case for not needing it.

[A]

You don't think you have any trauma to unpack?

[B]

Of course I have trauma to unpack, but I've done most of it. What is some freaking person gonna tell me about me? Oh, I think your dad was a part of your boof. Oh. Growing up fat and gay and misery. Boo. Come on, y'all. Yeah, I mean, sounds like I'm doing okay, though.

[A]

I just think, you know, like, it's amazing. You just open all these doors, you find out, like, you're depressed. You find out, you know you're sad or whatever. You never know.

[B]

That's only bad stuff happens in there. You know what I think about life? I'm trying to ride this sucker till the wheels fall off. I'm just trying to have fun. I'm trying to have fun until the good Lord calls me home.

[A]

Is this part of the part where you're, like, trying to be gay?

[B]

Hold on, let me try that again. Queen, let me tell you something about this thing called life, honey. Yes, again, you don't have to be gay. The ads don't care if you're gay. You're the guest for sure. So why are you doing.

[A]

I got it. No, for sure.

[B]

Okay. Queen.

[A]

Come on, Queen.

[B]

No, you got it.

[A]

Come on, Queen. Come on.

[B]

You get to be straight.

[A]

Slay.

[B]

I guess you could say slay. A straight woman would do that.

[A]

Slay.

[B]

But, yeah, I'm trying to ride this thing till the wheels fall off. I'm trying to have fun in this sucker.

[A]

Yeah, I think you're doing a good job of that.

[B]

I'm gonna start calling life this sucker.

[A]

This sucker. I mean, I agree. I feel like I'm, like, fully. What is going on with the shoes?

[B]

I'm obsessed with them. I can't.

[A]

They're so squeaky.

[B]

I'm never unshoed in here, and now I'm addicted to them.

[A]

That's what I feel like. I have to.

[B]

I feel grounded on the headgum carpet. This episode's been too silly.

[A]

Oh, no. You're not gonna release it.

[B]

You're not gonna release it, so can't come out. It's been far too silly.

[A]

I was trying to be serious the whole time.

[B]

No, you weren't. I asked you what you thought about God.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you didn't even do that for me.

[A]

Yeah, I did. I answered.

[B]

You went like, oh, when I need a parking spot, they're non binary.

[A]

No, I said it was huge.

[B]

You told us that you're on Cymbalta. None of that was. None of that was particularly serious.

[A]

You can't release any of this.

[B]

By the way, we did have a guest recently. Go on, like, a pretty long rant about something very funny and personal, and then. And then tell us to take it out.

[A]

I know.

[B]

And so I'm worried that you'll do that with the Cymbalta stuff.

[A]

I don't care. I want no.

[B]

Cause you're a cool girl.

[A]

I don't mind anyone knowing what medication I'm on. I don't. The whole HIPAA thing, I'm like, why?

[B]

Yeah. I don't think HIPAA is where you talk about yourself.

[A]

Why?

[B]

I think HIPAA's where your doctors can't tell people.

[A]

I'm like, go ahead, doctor, go tell them. Go get on TikTok.

[B]

Your doctor can't tell anyone anything.

[A]

You see your doctor on TikTok being like, her shit. Her shit was so messed up.

[B]

So story time. I got a bag of shit from a patient, and I quit my practice that I worked on for 15 years.

[A]

So I went to the mall that I work at.

[B]

So I went to the dumpster that I run my practice out of, and I was. Brought a bag of shit.

[A]

My takeout bag, thinking it was lunch. No, no, no.

[B]

So I opened the gallon freezer, Ziploc that I sent my patient home with, full of her shit. It was so raunchy that I quit.

[A]

Yeah. It was like, you know, it was one of the most traumatic things I've ever been through.

[B]

Really pretty charmed life.

[A]

It was really. No, I'm kidding.

[B]

That's it.

[A]

No, it's very. I've had much worse.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah, don't worry. Don't worry.

[B]

I've got this little throat thing right now.

[A]

What's going on?

[B]

Making my laugh sound like Weezer. Could be.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Fuck if I care.

[A]

Well, you never care.

[B]

I don't care.

[A]

I don't care if I've got Covid in here.

[B]

Y'all getting it, too.

[A]

No, I'm not.

[B]

That's not Flag. Yeah. Yeah. If I've got Covid, honey, you're getting it, too. No, I cared about COVID deeply, and I still do. That was a joke. If it's Covid, I would hate that, and I hope I'm not. But I don't think it's. I think it's the weather change.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I came from New York City.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

To la. And that's a big difference in countries, for sure. Or city. In cities.

[A]

Cities. Yeah.

[B]

Well, they feel like different countries.

[A]

Preach. Go off. King, can I talk to you for a second? Yeah, go ahead.

[B]

Again, you don't have to be gay. The ads just want me to be gay.

[A]

No, I know, but I just thought. Yes, and. And like support and like, okay, obviously.

[B]

We'Ll cut all this. But you just.

[A]

Obviously. No, obviously.

[B]

I'm really worried about you.

[A]

What? But I'm like, like I was saying, like, I'm fine just like being gay for the podcast and stuff and like, it's okay if people, like, think I'm bi.

[B]

Okay, okay, okay. Just, you know, podcasting is an ad based business and it's how I make my money.

[A]

Well, I just think I would help, like, sell the products.

[B]

Well, you. I called two, I called three lesbians to talk about you and only one picked up.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And what she said was that you have a vibe that is completely un lesbian.

[A]

Right. Yeah.

[B]

So I think you pretending to be here on the podcast is gonna hurt more than it helps.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah, a little bit.

[A]

Okay. That I totally, like, that's totally fair to say and everything. And like, I just want you to know, like, I support you.

[B]

Are you going to cry?

[A]

Like. No, no, I'm fine.

[B]

Totally.

[A]

No, I'm fine.

[B]

Like, please, not in the so true universe.

[A]

Seriously, like, it's awesome to be here and I'm like, having a lot of fun. Like, the Lacroix is like super good.

[B]

Can I say something? This podcast was way too silly. We did too many. We did too many silly little bits. It's not what people tune in for to this show.

[A]

Yeah, for sure.

[B]

So we need to try and get into serious stuff.

[A]

So we saw. Yeah. Like, can we talk about something like, intellectual, like, I'm happy to learn.

[B]

Yeah. What's favorite global event of recent?

[A]

I can't say. 9 11.

[B]

No, because that wasn't that recent. Also would be weird to call it a favorite.

[A]

I think it was just like a big, very impactful one.

[B]

Oh, it was incredibly impactful. Two huge impacts, actually was sort of the foundation. Well, three or four if you count the field and the Pentagon. Definitionally. What happened?

[A]

Yeah, okay.

[B]

See, but we're being silly again.

[A]

Okay, sorry. Okay.

[B]

So sorry. What do you think Trump's America is going to look like the second time around? Because he won.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Fair and square.

[A]

Well, it's really, really tough to see.

[B]

Don't. Okay.

[A]

What? Do you want me to be serious?

[B]

Yes. Yes, that's what I say. But it just looked like you were gearing up for a bit. No, I'm being serious because this is no laughing matter.

[A]

No, for sure.

[B]

I mean, he won.

[A]

I know.

[B]

By a lot. Okay. He really did. Not scary, but what do you.

[A]

I don't see it being, like, positive.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I see it being pretty negative.

[B]

Okay. I think we just do silly. I think let's just have a silly episode.

[A]

Yeah. That was really hard for me.

[B]

That was not. Yeah.

[A]

I was really trying, though.

[B]

Yeah, I think we'll do silly.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

We'll do so silly. Yeah. We'll talk about your cheese wheel or something.

[A]

Are you talking about my pussy? No kidding.

[B]

That's what they want. Lily, Caleb, it's been incredible to have you here.

[A]

Thank you so much.

[B]

Will you please tell the people where they can find you? I'm a huge fan of yours, as you well know, and I would like for all of my fans to be fans of yours. Would you tell them where they can find you?

[A]

You can find me on Instagram. There's two Lily Sullivans, and I'm not the hot Australian one. I'm not the hot, young, successful Lily Sullivan. I'm the other one. And my handle is very confusing.

[B]

Right. Okay.

[A]

It's Lily L, A, L. Yeah. And then Y, I, L. Yeah. But if you search Lily Sullivan, it's just the second one down. I'm not as hot. I'm smaller, I'm older. I'm less successful.

[B]

You should change your handle to small, old Lily Sullivan. Get all this out of the way in the headline. I'm at small old Lily Sullivan.

[A]

This is why you're so good at this.

[B]

I'm a marketing genius.

[A]

You really are. You're an angel. Oh, I think you're so funny.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

I want you to know.

[B]

Thank you. Yeah, we've got time if you want to say any more stuff.

[A]

No, that's it. That was really hard, honestly.

[B]

Thank you for being on. I love you.

[A]

Thank you for being. I love you, too.

[B]

This was amazing.

[A]

The best.

[B]

And I just. Do you mind real quick if I just do a disclaimer for the audience? Go.

[A]

Yeah. But can then I do mine after you? Yes. Okay.

[B]

Guys. Guys. And if we're being honest, mostly girls. And a lot of these. So why even put guys in there? Girls. And they's. I know that today's episode with Lily was untenably silly, and I just want to say to you, that is not a reflection of how we feel about what's going on in the world. We are deeply concerned about many, many things going on, both domestically here at home, and globally overseas.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

And that was really good. I want you guys to please let me finish.

[A]

Sorry, sorry.

[B]

Thanks, hon. And I want you guys to know that Just because I have on somebody who's silly, that pushes me towards silly and I meet them where they are. I care about you all and I hope you're doing well. And we will not have an episode this silly in the future.

[A]

You shouldn't point because it's too aggressive. You should go like this.

[B]

Even though I brought someone on who's silly and pushes me in the direction of silly, we will not be doing an episode this silly again. Willie, do you want to do anything?

[A]

Yeah, I'm. I just wanted to say that the things that I put on this podcast all extremely true and at times offensive. We're not meant to offend anyone. And if you can, now would be a great time to open that app, Venmo Lily, which is blue logo. Go ahead and click. Go up to the search persons and you're going to search Lily Sullivan. Go to the second one and it's not me. You're going to go one down, not the hot one, not the hot young one who's successful at the other one. And you're going to want to just send me what you can. Donate. Donate.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I could use whatever you can give.

[B]

I think we both know this is not going in. Please, I asked you not to do this anymore.

[A]

Please.

[B]

You're doing fine.

[A]

Please send what you can at this time. My C. B.O.

[B]

The C. Billy, before you go, really quick. Do you want to fuck Mary? Kill the guys from Comedy Bang Bang?

[A]

Can they do them all?

[B]

All of them? All of them. Do you want to fuck me? Kill all of them.

[A]

I do. Okay, that was a headgum podcast.