Taylor Ortega Knows Her Rights

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Taylor Ortega Knows Her Rights"
So True with Caleb Hearon
Release Date: February 13, 2025

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Introduction

In this engaging episode of So True with Caleb Hearon, host Caleb Hearon sits down with special guest Taylor Ortega to delve into a myriad of topics ranging from personal rights and dating dynamics within the LGBTQ+ community to societal pressures surrounding appearance and mental health. The conversation is candid, humorous, and insightful, offering listeners a genuine glimpse into the lives and thoughts of two beloved voices in the gay comedy scene.

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1. Knowing Your Rights and Personal Growth

The episode kicks off with Taylor reminiscing about her past experiences with an early app designed to educate users about their legal rights. Taylor shares, “[00:56] A: When I was, like, 19, my boyfriend had this, like, app, and it was very early into apps…” This segues into a discussion about the importance of being informed and how her perspective on rights has evolved over time.

Notable Quote:
Taylor Ortega: “[00:56] ...the 'KnowYourRights' app was something I didn't understand at the time, but now I want to know every single right I have.”

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2. Dating Dynamics and Relationship Preferences

Caleb and Taylor explore the complexities of dating within the LGBTQ+ community, touching on topics like monogamy, polyamory, and the challenges of maintaining healthy relationships. They candidly discuss their personal preferences, such as Caleb’s preference for clear, committed relationships and Taylor’s experiences with casual hookups and the emotional aftermath.

Notable Quote:
Caleb Hearon: “[17:02] ...I don't want some garbage no one wants. I don't care how sexy you are.”

Taylor Ortega: “[18:09] ...I can't be number three on the call.”

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3. Life in New York vs. Los Angeles

The conversation shifts to geographical and cultural differences between living in New York City and Los Angeles. Caleb humorously stereotypes New York as the hub for gay men who are always on the go, while Los Angeles is depicted as the domain of lesbians who prefer staying in. They discuss the social dynamics, stereotypes, and personal experiences that shape their perceptions of these cities.

Notable Quote:
Caleb Hearon: “[10:18] ...New York is gay guy hq.”

Taylor Ortega: “[10:18] ...LA is lesbian hq.”

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4. Societal Pressures and Plastic Surgery

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to the topic of plastic surgery and societal expectations around appearance. Caleb expresses his frustration with the prevalence of cosmetic procedures, especially among younger demographics, and Taylor shares her own experiences with Botox and Sculptra. They critique the beauty industry's influence and advocate for embracing natural aging.

Notable Quote:
Caleb Hearon: “[34:30] ...the biggest threat to acting of our lifetime is plastic surgery. Everyone looks insane.”

Taylor Ortega: “[37:39] ...I found that after getting Botox, I felt my eyebrows were smooth and crazy. It wasn't for me.”

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5. Mental Health and Therapy

Taylor and Caleb discuss the importance of mental health and the role of therapy in their lives. They touch upon the stigmas surrounding mental health in the LGBTQ+ community and the personal growth they've experienced through therapeutic practices.

Notable Quote:
Taylor Ortega: “[50:35] ...grateful for all the healthcare workers out there.”

Caleb Hearon: “[47:28] ...it's important to stay in therapy. It helps a lot.”

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6. Support for Healthcare Workers During COVID-19

Reflecting on the COVID-19 pandemic, Caleb and Taylor share their perspectives on supporting healthcare workers. They recount the tradition of banging pots and pans in solidarity, debating its effectiveness and emotional impact. Taylor, a nurse, offers an insider’s view, emphasizing the importance of genuine gratitude over performative gestures.

Notable Quote:
Taylor Ortega: “[50:21] ...I just want to thank all the healthcare workers out there and love you to death, Cal.”

Caleb Hearon: “[50:14] ...people are saving lives around the clock during a global pandemic.”

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7. Comedy, Politics, and Social Responsibility

The duo delves into the intersection of comedy and politics, discussing how humor can be a tool for social commentary while also navigating the fine line between being funny and being sensitive. They explore the responsibilities comedians hold in addressing serious issues without alienating audiences.

Notable Quote:
Caleb Hearon: “[55:16] ...the most important thing in comedy every time is being funny.”

Taylor Ortega: “[55:34] ...the beauty industry wants you to hate yourself so much and they get better at it.”

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8. Personal Anecdotes and Light-Hearted Banter

Throughout the episode, Caleb and Taylor intersperse their in-depth discussions with personal anecdotes, playful teasing, and humorous exchanges. Topics range from their shared experiences with roommates and living arrangements to lighthearted debates about food preferences and pop culture references.

Notable Quote:
Caleb Hearon: “[60:33] ...I think they're big on presentation. That's how that happened.”

Taylor Ortega: “[64:50] ...gay guys are pretty cool about that stuff.”

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Conclusion

"So True with Caleb Hearon" featuring Taylor Ortega is a delightful blend of humor, honesty, and introspection. Caleb and Taylor navigate complex topics with ease, offering listeners both laughs and meaningful insights. From advocating for personal rights and healthy relationships to critiquing societal standards and supporting mental health, the episode serves as a compelling testament to the power of candid conversation in the LGBTQ+ community.

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Key Takeaways:

• Empowerment Through Knowledge: Understanding and asserting one's rights is crucial for personal growth and safety.

• Navigating Relationships: Clear communication and understanding personal boundaries are essential in maintaining healthy relationships.

• Challenging Stereotypes: Breaking down misconceptions about different LGBTQ+ identities and geographies fosters a more inclusive community.

• Embracing Natural Aging: Rejecting societal pressures to conform to unrealistic beauty standards promotes self-acceptance and mental well-being.

• Importance of Mental Health Support: Therapy and open discussions about mental health are vital for personal resilience and community support.

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This episode is a must-listen for anyone interested in the nuanced dynamics of the LGBTQ+ community, personal development, and the intersection of comedy with serious societal issues.

Transcript

[A]

This is a headgum podcast.

[B]

I'm calling all K Lebrities, K Lesbians and Truthers. We're conducting an audience survey at GUM FM Sotrue, and we want to hear from you so we can keep making content you love. You know this. We know this. Look, there's ads on our podcast. Sue me. Sometimes the product might not be for you, but I know you all still diligently watch each ad from start to finish because you all just love supporting the show so much, huh? We want to improve that experience, but in order to do this, we need to know a little more about you, our audience, or as I like to call you, our family. I know you're all lovely, kind, mentally well people, but the more details I have, the better experience we can provide for you, my family. The survey is a quick, easy and free way to support this podcast, which we would just appreciate so very much. It'll take you two minutes and you'll be helping us out so much by doing it. What's two minutes to help out your favorite gay podcast. Or as I like to call me, your family. We actually do want you guys to do this. This is actually something I asked us to do. It's the survey. You're going to tell them what kind of ads you like and don't like and when you do it. If there's an option to say we love when Caleb's silly with it, put that in there. Go to GUM fm. So true. To fill out our audience survey. That's G U M FM F S O T R U E Love ya.

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

Sorry, do we legally have to say that?

[B]

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[A]

When I was, like, 19, my boyfriend had this, like, app, and it was very early into apps, like, not everyone even had iPhones. And it was like, know your rights. And he was like. And he quizzes you to know your rights. And at the time, I didn't understand.

[B]

Can I just say, it is so funny in the same episode to be like, yeah, I'm trying not to mention my age anymore to be like, I had this boyfriend who had one of the first apps. NYC weather. And we can put this in. Yeah. Saturday. Okay. High of 30.

[A]

Oh, that's actually. But it's nighttime actually in.

[B]

The low is the highest. It's been. The low's been like 15 or 14 the last couple days. The low is gonna be 25 that night.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It's gonna be 40 on Sunday though.

[A]

That's the weather we needed at that to me. Can I be honest? Marginal.

[B]

30 and 40 is a big difference, babe. I guess 30 degrees to 40 degrees the evening. No. But here's what I'll tell you. The party has an outdoor patio, Heat lamps. Yes. So it's like if. Whoa. Yeah. It's gonna be real cold when we're out there. But the fact is people go out there to smoke. They will.

[A]

It'll be fine.

[B]

Yeah, it'll be totally fine.

[A]

I mean, we're wearing codes.

[B]

Do you know what I have been obsessed with lately? Omakase.

[A]

Yeah. Where they pick for you.

[B]

Oh my God. I love that they pick for me.

[A]

Really? That surprises me.

[B]

I know. I tell them no eel though. I don't like eel. But I like when they bring. Because I would never think to say, hey, can you bring me a little bit of miso on top of a piece of salmon? I would never think to do the. That they do.

[A]

Right. Cuz you've never made sushi.

[B]

I've never made sushi and I don't like when people do that.

[A]

By the way, homemade sushi, it's loose.

[B]

It's loose and it looks shaking loose. They're putting like. They're putting like imitation crab meat in there.

[A]

I'm like warm as hell. You can see it.

[B]

Have something else.

[A]

No worries.

[B]

Everybody knows someone who has bought one of those little bamboo roller things and been like, I took a class. You didn't take enough classes.

[A]

I have one. I don't think you need a class. Well, I've never used it.

[B]

Yeah. Were you planning to. Ho. Going to make some. Going to make some really loose sushi.

[A]

I was going to make some. I thought I could do it tight.

[B]

Going to make a. You think?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I believe you.

[A]

I can.

[B]

I don't like it when people do it.

[A]

No, I think it's a. Sushi is a very. No matter what the cost, very fairly priced.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, really?

[A]

Yeah. Cuz you're paying for the expertise.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And the. And the fresh fish.

[B]

I don't feel that it's always worth the price. I. I will say I've had. I've gotten some sushi bills and been like, hey, whatever happened back there?

[A]

Because particularly here.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, the sushi is.

[B]

Because I'm. I'm looking at it and I'm going, that's a ball of rice and a piece of fish laid over it. You can't really tell me that's 25 bucks.

[A]

You can.

[B]

Yeah. Then they do and I pay it.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[B]

I. Yeah. I'm a rube. No, I'm a fool.

[A]

You're so smart.

[B]

I'm a simpleton.

[A]

The other things we're paying for are crazier. Like, to me it makes total sense because it's fresh fish and like, you can't get, like, it has to be a certain way. What? We pay for pasta.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's disgusting.

[B]

But you're Italian.

[A]

I know, but I. I went to Italy. Whispering.

[B]

Yeah, well, I went to Italy.

[A]

I went to Italy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And when I discovered. And I grew up eating a lot of Italian, what I discovered, I think it's totally overrated. I think Italian food is delicious. Amazing. Definitely overrated.

[B]

Really?

[A]

And definitely for babies.

[B]

Oh, yeah. You're gonna go anti Italy right now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Are you Italian? Yeah, and from New.

[A]

And I'm from New Jersey.

[B]

God, you're such a stereotype, huh?

[A]

I know. And we ate it like all. All week long.

[B]

And you're loud as.

[A]

I know. Not anymore. I'm being really quiet.

[B]

Are you being. Yeah, you're being dainty now. No, I like you loud. I don't want you to go quiet.

[A]

I think as I get older.

[B]

Don't make yourself small. Don't shrink yourself.

[A]

I have to.

[B]

I get like, really, like, lean in feminism with you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm like, take up space queen.

[A]

I can't. I think it was cute when I was 25 to be screaming all the time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And people like.

[B]

We love it.

[A]

We love it. And now I have to switch sort of shift into kind of being like, see? Because I want to seem wise.

[B]

Yeah. Do you think you are wise?

[A]

Yeah, but. Yeah, but I think I started from such a dumber place in. In wisdom. I'm very smart and very witty, but with wisdom. No. I started way at a big deficit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so I'm probably as wise as a really mature 27 year old.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Because I had to learn all my lessons firsthand.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Interesting.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I have a question for you. Do you think this. Do you believe in, like, when I. When. Okay. Do you think this is your first time on earth?

[A]

No, but close.

[B]

Yeah. Like you've only been here a time or two.

[A]

And people, strangers will tell me that.

[B]

I think I've been here one trillion times.

[A]

You think that many times.

[B]

I think I might have been one of the first people.

[A]

You think one of the first. I would put you dead in the middle. Dead in the middle. Dead in the middle.

[B]

I feel tired. For sure. I'm not tired. Even in a bad way. Just. I feel like I just kind of know. I don't know. I just.

[A]

30. It's. You're.

[B]

I'm not 30. Well, Taylor, 30. I'm about to be.

[A]

Something happens, actually.

[B]

By the time this episode comes out, I will be 30.

[A]

You'll be 30. And I think that what happens is when you're 30, you go, oh, I don't feel old, but I've been alive a long time. I've seen so many things.

[B]

And how do you explain the fact that I felt that when I was seven?

[A]

There's a picture of you. It's a show promo on Molly's fridge.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And there is and old soul energy to that child.

[B]

There's like very few pictures of me as a child where I look childlike in the eyes.

[A]

Yeah, you're kind of like. You are kind of like. You're like.

[B]

Yeah, Most pictures of me as a child are me kind of looking like I just got really tough news and I know how to handle it. You know what I mean?

[A]

You look like you're working for hr, transitioning me out of the job. Every time I stare at Molly's and it's big, too. And I, and I look at, I look at him a lot.

[B]

All my baby pictures are like, like a guy I look like. You know, when there's like a serious baby on the timeline and people are like, he's got a 40 hour a week job and a pension. That's literally how I was when I.

[A]

See that picture of you. I think if I was that kid's mom, I'd be telling him too much about my life. I'd be asking him for advice and I'd be leaning on him heavy.

[B]

My mom did and so did everyone else's mom.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I'm literally the kid at the sleepover who, like all the other kids be playing PlayStation. I'd be in the kitchen like, Cheryl, it's not fair. He can't do that. He can't do that. If he says he's gonna take you out, he has to take you out.

[A]

That's exactly what, exactly what it Looks like I be. Like, my boundaries would be bad with that kid.

[B]

Yeah. No one.

[A]

I be showing him texts.

[B]

I be. You know? Yeah. Oh, I wish I knew. I wish I knew.

[A]

You wish I was your.

[B]

Your mom at the age you. I wish you were my mom. I wish I knew you at the age you are now. When I was then.

[A]

Yeah, me too. I often feel that way.

[B]

That was a beautiful thing to say.

[A]

Yeah. I often feel. And I've said it out loud, You. You haven't been there, but I've seen that. I've seen that photo, and I go, God, I wish little boy existed now.

[B]

Yeah. He's not there.

[A]

I would cherish him.

[B]

I. Sometimes I get. I try to do the inner child thing, you know, where I'm like, oh, what does my inner child want? And then I'm like, I don't. I think he won. I think he was all good. You know what I mean?

[A]

You. He had it all.

[B]

He. How he said he had what he needed for sure. Or I'm like, I don't know what that would even look like when I'm like, oh, I'm gonna heal my inner child. I'm like, he's chilling.

[A]

What do you think if you had to, like, take him out for the day now?

[B]

Him out for the day?

[A]

Where would he want to go?

[B]

Dude, he would love my life.

[A]

You think he'd want to do everything the same?

[B]

Well, he'd want less emails, for sure, but I. He would love my life. I eat whatever I want. I go on walks whenever I want. I listen to music all the time.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

I have friends. I'm gay. He was really.

[A]

He would be.

[B]

I knew I was gay really young. Got it, like, second grade.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

I remember there was, like, it was second or third grade, and there was this kid. I won't say his name. I don't know where he's at in the world now. I'll say his full name, but there was. There was. They were doing. You know, everyone would get, like, married on the playground. Kids are fucking.

[A]

No one ever asked me, but I was. I was getting involved in support ways.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And support roles.

[B]

Yeah. Trust. Trust. I was. I was laying flower petals down for the.

[A]

Like, what do you guys need me for?

[B]

For the cute kids to get married. Yeah. No one was asking me, but I remember being like, I want to marry this. This boy. I don't know why they're. Why they're like, what girl do you want to marry? And I was like, not really any of them. Yeah.

[A]

That kind of makes sense for you too, because I do think even like you just like you'd want to be. You'd want to be like, I think in an uncomplicated way, be like, I'm married to a boy. Like, like the same things.

[B]

Yeah. Huh. What is. What do you mean?

[A]

Like you got like. I referred to you as butch the other day, which I don't think is how you're supposed to refer to gay guys.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like that's a lesbian term.

[B]

Yeah. You're just not used to being around gay guys.

[A]

Not for a while. I mean, I used to. I used to live here. And this is a city of gay guys.

[B]

Yeah. New York is gay guys.

[A]

It's gay. New York as a guy, as a person is a gay guy.

[B]

It's gay Gay headquarters. Yeah.

[A]

It is Gay guy hq.

[B]

Totally. That's why I moved here.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Need to meet some of them.

[A]

And I think LA is lesbian hq.

[B]

LA is lesbian hq. Because it makes a lot of sense. New York's about going out. That's what gay guys do. LA is about staying in. That's what lesbians do for sure. Except for the lesbians in our life. Not only do they, they, they stay in until they want to do something annoying that I don't want to do. They stay in until it's time to go to paintball or whatever. You guys, it's the activities. I don't know, it's just.

[A]

It is all too many.

[B]

It's a revolving door of clowns. I can't keep track of the nicknames. I can't keep track of the hobbies.

[A]

They're not nicknames.

[B]

Oh, sorry.

[A]

Non binary.

[B]

I just can't.

[A]

That's so New York of you. There's only two genders in New York.

[B]

New York is very gender essentialist.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Because there's no time for all this phooey nonsense.

[A]

It's literally. I mean. Yeah. You gotta. You gotta walk fast.

[B]

It's cold out when you're walking fast. Who has time to worry about their. That their gender?

[A]

It's not even. And I've never thought about it.

[B]

Your gender. Yeah, I really have. Have you really? Not Be serious.

[A]

Of course I have.

[B]

You think so? Are you doing girl? Just she her.

[A]

I'm doing hardcore she her. Old fashioned style.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But somebody's got to, you know, And I'm happy to do it.

[B]

That's almost alt. Right? At this point. I know to just be she her and like mean it is all. It's like pretty much trad Wife.

[A]

I'm trying to sort of, like, reclaim it because I have no choice.

[B]

Yeah. What do you mean?

[A]

I got like. It kind of is what it is.

[B]

You can do a she there. You might get. You might really get ahead by doing that. Get a short haircut.

[A]

Oh, no, I've done that before. I cut all my hair off.

[B]

It was really ugly. Do not like that for you.

[A]

Ugly.

[B]

You're beautiful with long hair. Thank you.

[A]

No, my face couldn't pull it off.

[B]

Well, you're gorgeous. You can pull off anything. But I just don't. It doesn't feel like you feel too playful to have a short haircut.

[A]

Thank you. I. Listen, I think I was traumatized the minute I did it. It was really, really ugly. I had a boyfriend at the time, and he was so kind about it, but we both knew I looked beautiful. Well, usually if you change anything about the way you look back in my day. Back in my day.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Your boyfriend would have grounds to break up with you.

[B]

Men could leave you for that.

[A]

Men could leave you for a haircut.

[B]

Men used to be able to leave you for a haircut.

[A]

Yeah. And sometimes I think I would do it obstinately.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know.

[B]

Well, because you wanted to be with his sister or whatever the fuck.

[A]

Yeah, I know. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. You were doing his sister. Somebody sister. But you want to be with somebody's sister. For sure. Not even really. Your whole thing is, like, kind of like you're into, like, trans guys that look like Stuart Little.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Literally, you're into, like, proper little trans guys.

[A]

Literally. That.

[B]

Do you think?

[A]

Yes. No, that is my, like, margin.

[B]

That's kind of like. That's where you're at these days.

[A]

Where I'm at. I mean, that's. I. I've always had. It's so funny.

[B]

It's.

[A]

It's really frust. I think it's, like, really annoying to be gay and have a narrow, like, type, you know? But there is a. A really narrow area of the spectrum. And you just really describe.

[B]

When I think of who you are sleeping with these days, it's like a trans guy that would say, hiya.

[A]

Oh, my God. They would not say sweet.

[B]

Like, sweet.

[A]

Yeah. Well, I want someone to be nice to me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

At this point in my life, because I am tired.

[B]

Yeah. What, did you not want people to be nice to you when you were younger?

[A]

There's always, like. And I think, like, this is, like, me. I don't know if this is y'all, too, but, like, I think for women, there's, like, you obviously want someone to be nice to you, but there's like a. It's a very razor thin line where. Not too nice.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Maybe that's trauma, but who cares?

[B]

I've never wanted someone to be mean to me, but I definitely only recently have become able to accept healthy love, I think.

[A]

Yes. And not right away. You know what I mean? Keep it to yourself for a couple.

[B]

You gotta breadcrumb it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You have to breadcrumb a girl like me.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. I don't want to talk. You know what's funny about this show is I. You know everything about me because you're my friend. Yeah, but I. Strangers know so much about me now. It's a problem, but not true.

[A]

Personal things, like about people in your life, right? Like, about who you're close.

[B]

No, but it's like, a lot about my dating and love life that I'm like, whoa.

[A]

I would really struggle with that.

[B]

Whoa. Like, I hooked up with a guy who. Who was, like, treating me a little weird afterwards. It was a casual hookup from Grindr, and he was like, hey, just so you know, I'm not looking for anything serious. And I was like, I. You're like a. You're. I don't know your name. We just fucked from Grindr.

[A]

Yeah, no worries.

[B]

But he. But he. He was. He was like, Well, I just. I've, like, seen the show, and I know you kind of talk about like you're looking for, and I'm like, whoa. Not.

[A]

But not with you.

[B]

Whoa. Not with you.

[A]

Not with you.

[B]

Not with a slut.

[A]

Not with a slut who gives it up on the Internet.

[B]

Yeah. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

[A]

Different when I do it. Always different when I do it.

[B]

Yeah, we're both doing this, but you're the slut, obviously. No, it just. I'm like, people know so much about me, it's weird, and I need to stop divulging, I think.

[A]

Oh, it's you doing it. It's you giving all the information.

[B]

Yes. I'm sitting here in front of this little microphone. When we started the show, I didn't know people were really gonna listen like that. So now people. It's getting, you know.

[A]

That's crazy.

[B]

Did I ever tell the. The bartender story on here? I did. I think about. About how I, I. I mentioned on here that a bartender kind of blocked me, and the next time I went to the bar, they were like, hey, I don't want to end up on the show again.

[A]

That's kind of Carrie Bradshaw. I don't know if you've ever heard of Sex in the City.

[B]

I don't think anyone was reading her column.

[A]

They definitely were.

[B]

Big definitely wasn't they Big definitely wasn't.

[A]

None of her friends were because she was, like, naming them every week.

[B]

They did not like that bitch.

[A]

No, he did not fuck with her. Exactly what I'm talking about.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

She was turned on by talking about. And that was the 90s. So it's like back in the 90s, I would say 80 to 90% had to be mean.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

10 to 20%.

[B]

Back in the 90s, a guy who looked like that, like, average at best, could really ruin a beautiful woman's life.

[A]

100%. Now on that show, it's hard to tell if they're hot.

[B]

I know. And now I kind of feel like it's. Ironically enough, the only one who objectively was hot to me was Steve.

[A]

I completely.

[B]

And she cheated him like garbage.

[A]

I know. It's because he was, like, really into her.

[B]

And that goes back to what we're saying, 100%.

[A]

But he was so cute. And his little accent.

[B]

So cute. And he was so nice and he loved her. And I just was like, ugh. If a guy treated me like that, I would be so nice to him, I think.

[A]

Yeah. Well.

[B]

And.

[A]

But I guess you look at my.

[B]

20S and it's like. Well, I know you look at my 20s and it's like, I had a couple guys treat me like that and I thought they were disgusting.

[A]

100.

[B]

It made me ill. Yeah.

[A]

It makes. Yeah. But that's because of self hatred. But we work through that.

[B]

I don't think it is.

[A]

What do you think it is?

[B]

I think it is for you and most other people.

[A]

Totally. Probably.

[B]

I think for me it was a complex, layered understanding of, you know, it's.

[A]

I do think it is The. The rules of supply and demand apply.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

To having a boyfriend.

[B]

Yes. It's supply chain logistics.

[A]

You have to build demand. I don't want some garbage no one wants.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't care how sexy you are.

[B]

I don't want some garbage no one wants felt like such a harsh but hilarious thing to say.

[A]

I want some garbage.

[B]

Fucking street trash.

[A]

I don't care if you're sexy as hell. If nobody else wants to you. Why would I?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, and that goes for, I'll be monogamous with someone. But I gotta know that at any moment you could cheat on me.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

[A]

You know, but you won't.

[B]

But you won't, but you could. The options are there.

[A]

The options are there. And they're throw. They're throwing themselves.

[B]

Yeah. Cuz you're not doing poly. Right.

[A]

I couldn't do it.

[B]

Yeah. It's not for you.

[A]

I couldn't do it. I've done open and I could, you know, but it would really depend and I would need to be liked the absolute best.

[B]

Yeah, you need to be the primary for everyone.

[A]

Yeah. And honestly, if I found out I wasn't, it would the way it would rock my world.

[B]

Yeah, I can't do it. I'm serious. When. When I have really hot guys have hit me up for casual sex and when I see that they have a primary partner, I'm like, you are telling me that we're gonna sleep together and then you're gonna go home to your loving husband and how about I not.

[A]

Just that you're going to go home to your loving husband and I will not have changed your perspective on the whole thing.

[B]

No, no.

[A]

You're going to spend time with me. The sex is good. I'm hilarious. Like, it's not going to. You're going to go home, you're going to be like, I can't get joy here anymore.

[B]

If I'm going to a poly person, it needs to ruin their life and well, it needs to destroy their marriage.

[A]

That's what I think is. And I. Neither of us are poly. We're like, we're like basically what it is.

[B]

Yeah. So take a look.

[A]

So basically that's what it is, is they would try to add you as a partner.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. I just. But I don't want to be like the thing that's like. Because a lot of them, they have that primary thing that they're like, this is my forever person. We locked it down. Anyone else can come in and out. I feel like that's a lot of what I see in poly. Oh.

[A]

I don't know if it's supposed to be like that.

[B]

It might not be. It might not be how it's supposed to be or how it even is for a lot of people. That's just what I'm encountering. And I'm like, I can't. That is so I can't be number three on the call.

[A]

She know also, I can't really. I would really struggle to casual. I understand. I think committed. I understand. And maybe those two mix. I can't imagine being feeling serious about that many people. And I know there's people who can, but I need. I. I'm not making a commitment unless I'm obsessed with you.

[B]

Yeah. I need serious leads.

[A]

I need to be like, absolutely some things. Like, I'm a little sick, like, you've ruined my brain chemistry. I'm doing things that are uncharacteristic. Like, that's the way you're getting me to.

[B]

That might be something to look into.

[A]

It feels so good.

[B]

Yeah. Okay.

[A]

It feels so good.

[B]

Well, you're in New York.

[A]

I love it here.

[B]

You do love it here?

[A]

I miss it here a lot.

[B]

Why not just move back?

[A]

You know, I'm coming for the summer and I think that'll really feel like I'll be here the whole summer, and I think that'll fulfill that kind of.

[B]

I really feel that you're moving back. I feel that most of our friends are moving here.

[A]

You feel that?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you don't think that's just because you moved here? You don't think that has anything to do with your personal experience?

[B]

I just feel that I. You know what it is? I will grant you. Yes.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I will grant you. I will grant you. I will grant you.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

I bet that me moving here has something to do with it, but I don't think it's. So a lot of people go, oh, Caleb thinks that everyone's going to move to where he lives because he lives there.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And actually, I think I live here because everyone was going to move here.

[A]

You.

[B]

I think I'm the prime mover in the situation.

[A]

You're like one of those, like, people who are like, I'm a culture forecaster or whatever.

[B]

I see where everything's headed. I look at the big picture and I go, I'll go ahead and settle that land.

[A]

Say that about New York. You're like, it's the next big city.

[B]

Well, no, but you know what I mean. We were all in LA and it was cute, you know, we had. We have a lot of fun out there.

[A]

Yes. LA struggled to keep its grip on people, I do think.

[B]

And I was, you know, I. In our friend group, I. I was the first person ever took a move there to say. To say, hey, it might be time for New York.

[A]

You kind of did open sort of like a wayward home for LA transplants for a moment. For a moment.

[B]

For a moment. I was.

[A]

Anyway, House.

[B]

Any lesbian who moved to LA knew they had a piece of bread and.

[A]

A car and an unlocked door.

[B]

Oh, God. People hate. Well, I shouldn't be talking about that.

[A]

What? Oh, yeah, don't mention. Well, here, you can't do that. Yeah, you must have to constantly be unlocking the door now. Is Kayla. Come on. They don't even make doors that stay unlocked in New York City.

[B]

They do.

[A]

You found, like, the one.

[B]

I found the one. Well, I. You know, my front. My door to my building, I keep locked. And we'll keep all this in, actually. I don't care.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I really don't care. I don't care. I don't care. I don't lock my doors. Break into my fucking house.

[A]

For sure.

[B]

Break into my fucking house. You won't.

[A]

And here's what I will say. I live where you used to live, and we locked the door compulsively.

[B]

But when I lived there, we did not.

[A]

Not for a year. You did not. And nothing happened.

[B]

You know what drives me insane? When. When I'm in the. When I'm in the house and someone has come over, a visitor, and they lock the door behind them and then another guest comes and I have to go unlock the door. Is this. Is this fucking Azkaban?

[A]

What's going on? They're locking them in. They're locking them in. I do find it frustrating now when people will show up and you've established that the door is unlocked.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And our friends will try to open the door and, like, halfway break it.

[B]

They're, like, looking in the windows and.

[A]

I go, first of all. No, don't. Don't bring the presumptive energy to the front door. You're gonna break it.

[B]

Yeah. I just think.

[A]

How are they all strong all the time?

[B]

I think locked doors are very conservative, for sure.

[A]

I think for me, it's like I'm. I'm having. If I sleep on my back, I'm having intruder dreams 24 7. I'm having sleep paralysis. Intruder dreams.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I have.

[B]

What about if you sleep on your side?

[A]

Not as much.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's weird. What is that about?

[A]

I have too much to solve there yet.

[B]

Yeah, no worries on that.

[A]

And I'm only sleeping, like, two hours a night, so what am I. It's like, such a small part of the day.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

[A]

I have a question. When you and CG live together, did you guys sleep on the couch together every night?

[B]

No. And if you guys are doing that, I need you to stop.

[A]

We need to stop.

[B]

You guys are too old for that.

[A]

No, I know. It's really.

[B]

It's.

[A]

Don't tell them how old I am on here. Yeah, but it is really bad.

[B]

You guys are too old to be doing that. You're back in here.

[A]

Like, what if I have a kid in five years and then the kid needs to get on there?

[B]

The couch is nice, though, huh?

[A]

It's so nice I left that. It's not. It's not. It doesn't look nice.

[B]

No, it's ugly.

[A]

It's the ugliest.

[B]

Good God. Is it comfortable? It's not the ugliest thing. Let's take a relax on that.

[A]

It's really ugly.

[B]

Let's take a relax on that. It looks. What it looks like really is it belongs in the finished basement of a Midwestern home.

[A]

And I don't know anything about that.

[B]

Midwesterners listening will know.

[A]

I've never been.

[B]

It's a big bluish gray sectional.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Well, it's grayish gray, but it's got blue undertones.

[A]

It's cool toned.

[B]

It's cool toned gray. That's what I'm saying. It's not like one of the.

[A]

Yeah, it's not a warm gray.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Not taupe.

[B]

You got a problem with me? You got a problem with my couch?

[A]

You bought the couch.

[B]

I did buy the couch and I left it there for free.

[A]

I traded Ally my couch.

[B]

No one in that arrangement had permission to do that.

[A]

Oh, I gave away, like, an expensive couch.

[B]

Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah, My couch was also expensive and I gave it away to your home.

[A]

Oh, that's nuts. So I actually feel like we both got scams.

[B]

Yeah. I'm kind of learning that you and I, maybe Ally and CG maybe screwed us out of some couches.

[A]

Yeah. And probably more stuff.

[B]

This is sick.

[A]

That's really sad.

[B]

Do you think this is interesting for the listeners?

[A]

No. They don't know who these people are.

[B]

Deep in the politics of our couch.

[A]

You guys don't know who these people are?

[B]

They might. Ali and cg. You've heard their laughs on the podcast a lot. They've been in the beach, and someday they'll have episodes.

[A]

We should. We'll put their heads right here. Right here.

[B]

Ali's head. That's cute.

[A]

That is.

[B]

Someday they'll be on the show.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They need to earn it.

[A]

What should they do? What do you want them to do? You made me do some sick stuff to be here.

[B]

Yeah, and they need to do the same sick stuff. No, everyone has to do the same sick stuff to get on the show. This is Hollywood.

[A]

I'm really scared. Scared.

[B]

This is Hollywood. Blood sacrifice type.

[A]

Yeah. I would do, like, any type anything. Pretty much anything.

[B]

I wish I got invited to a blood sacrifice in Hollywood.

[A]

Blood sacrifice. Fine. Obviously there's other stuff I wouldn't be comfortable with.

[B]

Oh, okay. What would you not be?

[A]

I couldn't do the Diddy party stuff.

[B]

Yeah. So you wouldn't.

[A]

I would have to. Right. I would have to be a whistleblower.

[B]

Skip it. Yeah.

[A]

I'll be honest. I don't think I'd get invited.

[B]

Yeah, well, because you have narc energy and I'm old.

[A]

Why would you want me there?

[B]

You're old as and you tell on people.

[A]

Yeah. I'm constantly blabbing my own information on here. I'm first naming people.

[B]

Someone goes, should we invite Taylor to the party? And they go, she's old as. And she tells.

[A]

Yeah, she tells.

[B]

She tells. No, get someone young who knows how to.

[A]

I'm like, the party was okay.

[B]

That is. I mean, that is exactly what they're looking for. That's like. Yeah.

[A]

Like, it felt wrong.

[B]

It is really funny how everyone who was in that circle seemingly knew that that stuff was going on and they were all cool with Diddy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then the second that enough news sites kind of said like, no, he's. He's guilty of doing really weird, everyone was like, he's done.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm like, wow. But you guys all seem to have that information before they did have that information, and you were just cool with it.

[A]

I mean, I don't know, because obviously we. We didn't grow up in Hollywood. But I wonder if that's like. If you just see it be normal and you think, oh, like, everyone's doing free coughs. Everyone's doing free.

[B]

Oh, by the way, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible.

[A]

Name is the only thing I like.

[B]

Can'T happen.

[A]

I'm not okay with what's going on there.

[B]

Bad, bad, bad.

[A]

But name is sick.

[B]

Free cough is. Come on, that's fucking tight.

[A]

You know, when I hear freak off, I think of someone, like, doing the work.

[B]

That's because I was gonna say as. As all, like, comedians who came up in improv, freak off for us. We're like, oh, my God.

[A]

Yeah, it sounds like an improv warm up.

[B]

Yeah. They're doing like a dance circle at a wedding.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then you find out what it is and you go, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

[B]

Let's. Hey, let's turn the freak off. Oh, let's turn the freak off Than the knob.

[A]

And that's your official stance.

[B]

Yeah. Would you ever run for office?

[A]

I was thinking yesterday on the flight that I would be so incredible at politics.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's interesting. What? Why?

[A]

I just kind of talk To. To talk. And I don't really feel one way or the other about what I'm saying, which can be a huge liability, but also, I think, amazing politically.

[B]

You're also. You are very. You're very charming in a way that all of our friends are charming, but you're charming in a way that's very like. I. I don't. There's something about you. There's something about you that you feel very. I'm trying to pin it down. There's something that. Specifically about you that lines up with what you're saying, where it's like, I feel that I could say anything to you and you would allow it.

[A]

Oh, a hundred percent.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I think it's my natural curiosity. I go out. Oh, let's entertain everything for a second.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Let's entertain everything for a second. But I do land on stuff eventually. I do consider. I do have kind of what my therapist would call a strong sense of justice.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Interesting.

[A]

So ultimately, I would have to come around on something, but in the meantime, say whatever I want to hear it.

[B]

Your therapist is giving you compliments.

[A]

I think that was more of a diagnosis.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I think that's neurodivergent coded language.

[B]

And I go virgin.

[A]

And we can cut. And we can cut that.

[B]

Do you want me to cut that?

[A]

No.

[B]

I don't care.

[A]

No, I'm ope. I think I vote.

[B]

Everyone's neurodivergent these days.

[A]

100. Whatever happened, I'm gonna be cisgendered and not neurodivergent.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Absolutely not in this.

[B]

What am I, the first lady?

[A]

Yeah. No, thank you.

[B]

What neurodivergence do you have?

[A]

Adhd. So ultimately, at the end of the.

[B]

Day, it's barely anything.

[A]

It's barely anything. It's been mostly in. In my adult life. Amazing. For me.

[B]

Adhd?

[A]

Yeah. For sure.

[B]

I will have, like.

[A]

My rebound rate is like that.

[B]

Love to everybody. But some of the conversation around neurodivergence.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Lately, people are acting like they have stage four cancer.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

Because they, like, can't focus on a book for a little 100. You're gonna. I love you to death. Y. Gonna be okay?

[A]

Oh, totally.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, I also feel like it's kind of like there was, like, six years I didn't read a book.

[B]

Okay. It's crazy. You just completely changed my opinion. Maybe we need to. Maybe we need to start taking this shit seriously.

[A]

6 years I didn't read about.

[B]

Never mind. I was wrong. I was wrong. I tried something On. I was wrong. We need to take this reader.

[A]

I moved to this city, and I would start looking at Twitter on the train.

[B]

Oh, God. Twitter ruined a generation of mines. Mine included.

[A]

It did.

[B]

I'm dumb.

[A]

Well, you were kind of like the mascot of Twitter for a second.

[B]

I was really. I was in college when I was supposed to be studying. I was on Twitter.

[A]

You were on there.

[B]

Our. All of our smart. All of our people that were supposed to be our next smart people are dumb. Now.

[A]

I know.

[B]

And it's because of that website.

[A]

Getting my news there for a minute.

[B]

Yeah. That's where you got your news. That's crazy.

[A]

I didn't want to be left out of anything.

[B]

Yeah. I wanted to know everything at the moment.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You were there for peanut butter, baby. And all of it.

[A]

I. I've been there for. From the other day, I made an Internet reference that people didn't get. I go, it's time to lock that one up.

[B]

Hey, put that one in the bin under the bed. The core storage container.

[A]

I made a Saved by the bell reference.

[B]

Jesus Christ. You may as well reference. Like a cave drawer.

[A]

Yeah. And it's really hard if you're like. If you have a little age gap in dating and you make a Saved by the bell reference. And that person goes, I had to Google it. I had to Google who that was. I know. And I'm trying. People have been telling me not to say my age as much on camera, so I'm trying to do that less.

[B]

That's stupid. Why?

[A]

I don't really know. I don't really feel like one way or the other about it.

[B]

But we're so funny about age.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Especially in acting like, don't let them know that you're 30. Whatever. It's like, I know.

[A]

Like, it ruins the gives a fuck. I know.

[B]

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[A]

Everyone looks crazy. But it's my favorite thing to talk about. I'm obsessed with it. I know all the stuff.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I've gotten really good at spotting it.

[B]

So you're. So you can look at a face and be like, brow, pole, tuck, lift, kind of.

[A]

Especially, like before and after in celebrities. Yes.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. I think it's like we just have to kind of like. It's happening. They're all doing it. Especially, like the really famous ones.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The faces look different. Let's just be normal about it. You didn't have eyelids before and now you have eyelids. Come on.

[B]

Something to talk about.

[A]

We have. Come on.

[B]

I just. Everyone looks insane. I'm not on board. I don't care. I don't. There's like this, like. There's this like faux. There's this like, crypto progressive wave of people being like, it's your body. You can do whatever you want. You can. And you look insane.

[A]

You look crazy.

[B]

Please, God, just age and have weird stuff about your body. Yeah, my teeth look like. I've got a little skin tag right here.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I've got weird coloring on my face sometimes.

[A]

And I'm getting into, like, dysmorphia territory.

[B]

No, I'm like a human being. I like it. I like the way I look. I'm just like, why? And by the way, maybe someday I will want to change one or two of those things. I don't know. I'm not holding myself to it, but like, why are people going at young ages, by the way?

[A]

People in their early 20s, 30s, facelifts, crazy 30s facelifts, and a lot of people doing it.

[B]

What is so wrong about looking the way you look?

[A]

What's really crazy is, I guess I. In person. It does. That's an LA thing that you don't realize. Kind of happens slowly is you're seeing a lot of work and not realizing it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then I'll come back here and I'll see, like, a family member, like someone in their 60s. And it's almost like my eyes were dehydrated and I'm like, drinking, gulping water for the first time. It's like gorgeous, stunning wrinkles on the face.

[B]

It's beautiful.

[A]

It really is like, it. And it shocks you because when I lived here, I didn't think about it or aging would scare me. And then you go somewhere where people aren't aging and it doesn't look better. Yeah, it looks different. It's its own third thing. And so it's sort of like.

[B]

It's a different category.

[A]

It's like you.

[B]

You built a face for pictures, and then in real life, it's not translating. Your face is not translating to real life.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

It's only translating to screen.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And Instagram screen, specifically. Not film screen. You look insane in the movies as well.

[A]

You look insane in the movies.

[B]

It's crazy. I like when people look their age. I don't. All these. All these compliments that people are like. Oh, my least favorites when they're like, white people who are unproblematic age really well. I'm like, I am unproblematic and I'm gonna age. Like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I'm looking forward to it.

[A]

Well, that. What people are describing when they say that is you're. You just can't tell that that person has plastic surgery.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And that's okay. But just like.

[B]

Yeah, some. Because they have cool opinions on, like, race relations. No, it's because they have a really good blepharoplasty. You really do know the names.

[A]

That's crazy.

[B]

Would you. Do you have any procedures?

[A]

Yeah, no. I'll tell you what I've done.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I've gotten Botox twice.

[B]

Why?

[A]

Where? For curiosity. I got it in my forehead. And also one time a friend told me not to do it, and I have an obstinate streak and I had to try it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I did it. I didn't really care for it. I found that it. No one noticed, but I Felt that my eyebrows were like. You know, I felt I look smooth and crazy. And so I didn't really. I was panicking. It actually really made me feel stress. And then the only other thing I've done is Sculptra, which is they inject, like, beet sugar into your face and.

[B]

Beet sugar?

[A]

Beet sugar.

[B]

See, this is what the I'm talking about. That's insane.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

For what poor purpose?

[A]

Okay, here we go. So basically, when you, like, are 27, your body stops creating its, like, own collagen anymore, which is, like, what gives your skin the elasticity. And so if you inject the beet sugar into your face, it irritates your. Underneath your skin, and it. And it makes your body start to repair itself, which makes it create collagen.

[B]

That's crazy.

[A]

It's crazy.

[B]

That's nuts. And you did that?

[A]

I did that, yeah.

[B]

And how did it feel?

[A]

Well, I kind of was just kind of feeling like, oh, look better. Like, I just feel like my skin looks better. You're like, okay, maybe I wouldn't do it again, but it looks good. I did it, like, as a birthday gift. And then I saw it before and after myself, and I said, actually, that looks really good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So you think you'll keep doing it?

[A]

You don't really have to do it again for, like, years and years, unless you want to.

[B]

Oh, well, you are beautiful.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

But you would be beautiful without beet sugar.

[A]

Well, it's already in there. Okay. Nothing we can do.

[B]

You're beautiful before.

[A]

Nothing we can kind of do.

[B]

You're beautiful before and after beet sugar.

[A]

Sometimes I'll get on a. You know, like a wild hair and I'll say, maybe I want really big boobs or something.

[B]

You think?

[A]

I don't think I'd want them all the time. That's the problem.

[B]

I gotta be honest. My. My thing about it is less. And maybe. Maybe I'll learn that I don't even feel these ways. But my thing about it, I think, is that to me, breast. Any breast stuff or any, like. Yeah, that stuff I don't care about, like, getting bigger, smaller boobs, whatever. Specifically, to me, it is the face and the teeth. That's the thing that really gets me going.

[A]

Teeth are tough.

[B]

I'm not going to tell a person they shouldn't get breast implants. And also it. I don't know, it. I guess it kind of pushes up against a weird boundary when I'm like, Well, I never mind. When a friend gets, like, facial feminization. Surgery when they're transitioning or something. That makes sense to me. So maybe it's like a gender affirming thing and maybe my opinions are behind.

[A]

Right. Could I, as a cisgendered woman, affirm my gender with, like a very gradual nose job that I do over a couple years?

[B]

Maybe. Maybe I'm wrong to think that that's funny. You know what I mean?

[A]

I think the choices that. That, like, women are making, it is anti aging. I do think they're like, this is what's tough about it. It is. It can. It's not the same thing, but it is kind of gender affirming in the sense that, like, there are unfortunately a lot of beauty trends for women, and a lot of it used to be like, body stuff, and now it is like face and plastic surgery stuff across the board is like, when everyone was getting this. This fat taken out, that was a trend. And I do think we're gonna look back and be like, oh, we can't put that back in.

[B]

You know, that's crazy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I don't know. I guess it's more. I guess what I'm saying is it's less. My thing is less of a prescription for everyone else. I'm not saying don't get plastic surgery. I'm saying I am voicing a feeling that I'm having, which is that it's making me feel insane.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

To see so many fake faces.

[A]

I would love it if we could have a pact where we say, look, we're all not gonna do it, like a no buy month or something, but everyone not getting plastic surgery. But yeah, people will lie. And that's. Lying is a huge part of plastic surgery.

[B]

Lying is so huge. Okay. You know so much about operations and what does. What. Yeah, what would you prescribed to me?

[A]

Oh, my gosh. Okay.

[B]

What do you guys get?

[A]

Just kind of for fun. What should we do?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Oh, my God. Okay.

[B]

Well, not you lighting up, by the way.

[A]

Well, I love talking. Here's the ones I really know about.

[B]

I really. Oh, that hurt. I'll give you.

[A]

I'll give you some and you can pick.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So the one I mentioned, a blepharoplasty I do think is a really popular one right now. It is one that is for older people.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's when you're kind of eyelid skin gets heavy and you can't see, so they'll cut a little sliver of skin off of your eyelids. But what's happening is, like, younger people are doing it to Sort of like, open up the face a little. Or it's like. I think it's like a style. Like a style.

[B]

I think you would have me do that.

[A]

No, I. I don't think you should cut a piece of your eyelids out.

[B]

But you're giving it to me.

[A]

I'm giving you as an option. So you could do that.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You could also do an egregious amount of facial filler. And we're talking. And this is kind of on the filler. Yeah, filler. Go crazy.

[B]

Okay. My face feels pretty full. I've got, like, a pretty full, like.

[A]

Yeah. But you could throw it in places you would never guess.

[B]

Is this cute, by the way? It's.

[A]

That's what the picture on the fridge looks like.

[B]

Okay. Let's get into it.

[A]

Yeah. You could do. You could do, like, big, hard cheeks.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Or this is another crazy thing. There's filler, and then there's also, like, hard implants. Like a full, like, a chin, a cheek, like. Yeah, we're talking like. Like big implants.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. The face is small, though.

[B]

I feel pretty stressed out by all this.

[A]

Yeah. It's crazy. The deeper you get. I'm kind of grotesquely obsessed with it.

[B]

You are. And I. But I think that's really interesting. It's actually something I don't think much about, and I've been really intrigued by your knowledge of it and. Yeah, of course. A little scared.

[A]

I like to know. Because I like to identify, like. I like to know that I like to be able to see it and identify it so that I know that that's not that person's face. Like, as. I think that. That. That's important to me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When I kind of. After I turned 30, I was. Got really scared that. The way I used to feel about, like, picking my body apart all the time, I was gonna start to feel about getting older.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it was just like, oh. I spent my whole life, like, trying to not, like, do that to my body. So now I'm just gonna, like, switch gears and do it about getting older. That sucks.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm never gonna enjoy or, like, feel neutral about the way I look or just like. Like, having a face and a body, like, that's. I can't do it. I'm tired.

[B]

Well, nothing is designed for us. None of the systems want us to just, like.

[A]

Because they got to sell us so.

[B]

Well, it really. And it's. It feels so. There's, you know, there's, like, things that become so conventionally known that they feel like Trite to say where it's like the beauty industry wants you to hate the way you look to buy more stuff, but it's like. Yeah. I mean, it's. It feels like. Yeah. It's been said a million times. I feel like I don't think it makes me smart to know that, but it's like, yeah, dude, it's bleak. It's like they really want us to hate ourselves so much and they get.

[A]

Better and better at it, kind of. I do think it's like worth repeating because they do get better and better at it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And also, like, like, it used to be the. It was like there was like a big skincare obsession 10 years ago, and now it's like everyone's getting full blown surgery and it's casual and it's good and it's well done and it's imperceptible.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's crazy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it will be affordable and it will be like, it is really nuts also. It's like, it's like five, seven years ago. Filler. Everyone's getting absolutely filled up. There's 23 year olds absolutely getting like, like just non stop routine, everything.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then they're like, it's amazing. It goes away. It's hyaluronic acid. It's like your body needs it.

[B]

Good impression. Good impression, by the way.

[A]

Yeah, that's me doing. That's me doing like a beauty med spot.

[B]

Really good. Really good.

[A]

Respect to the profession. Business owners, small business owners. But it then like a year ago, they're like, oh, it turns out it stays in your face and it's hard. And it's like they did like a scan of people's faces who have had filler and it's just like, like still in there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's like painful to dissolve. And it's like, oh, that's so crazy that they lied to sell you the filler.

[B]

Yeah. Well, I'm gonna become. I'm gonna become a plastic surgeon and start doing real kooky stuff.

[A]

I would let you kind of go crazy on me.

[B]

I'm gonna be like, what's, oh, what's his name from Poor things.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm gonna make a chicken into it.

[A]

I would, like. And I know I would, like, make.

[B]

A duck into a guy.

[A]

I don't know if you've seen my tattoos.

[B]

I'm gonna make a guy into a cow.

[A]

Yeah, I would let you do that too.

[B]

I'd make a cow into a lady.

[A]

Well, I would hope if I want.

[B]

To make a lady Into a duck.

[A]

I don't want to be a duck.

[B]

Too bad. Don't come to my practice, bitch.

[A]

I want to come if other people are going. One time I went to a party, I said, ever the people were getting tattoos at your house. I said, make a.

[B]

Lay them into a snake.

[A]

I said, I'm not. They would love that.

[B]

You won't have to try very hard. Yeah, make a snake into a they. Them. Huh? Honey, I've seen that. Are they them? Who's a snake? Huh? You ever been a Bushwick? God damn, I'm good. God, I really. I really love that. Yeah, make a. Oh, yeah. Make a non binary person into a snake. All right. Save it for. I literally. Dude, I'm thinking about. I'm thinking about making a. I told Chance for the tour, I'm for the so True live tour. I don't want to do. I don't want to do like a stand up set because it's not. I really want to focus on, like, different kind of elements because if I want to do a stand up tour, I'll do a stand up tour. But I'm thinking about writing a clean comedy set to open the show about politics.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

To do like a clean comedy set about the news of the day.

[A]

Do you. I feel like you. I can't. I guess I don't know what clean comedy is because I would think that you all. That you were.

[B]

But.

[A]

But that's.

[B]

You think I'm a clean comic? Have you been? I mean, Taylor, come on.

[A]

You don't think that I'm not either?

[B]

No, you're not. We don't really know any. No, it's like, really just.

[A]

I guess we don't.

[B]

It's like Nate Pagodsi.

[A]

You're right. It really just is.

[B]

God.

[A]

What?

[B]

It's only Nate and it's. What? Can you talk about Jim Gaffigan?

[A]

Oh, sure.

[B]

And that's mostly Catholic, right?

[A]

And like, there aren't any of those left anymore, though.

[B]

You know, there's something about him. He really does turn. He turns nothing into something. Right? Oh, vacation. After, we'll go get ice cream. It's like. Yeah, you mean. You nailed it.

[A]

It's a narrow lane.

[B]

He really is funny.

[A]

It's a. You gotta. I think if we kind of were living that life, though, you know what I mean? If we were Catholic, if we were straight, if we were married.

[B]

Oh, we're gonna go get ice cream.

[A]

Yeah. If we did. That was good.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

You're working on your gym Gap and doing a woman I'm working on my job.

[B]

Sorry. Stop what you're doing. I want to work up my gap again. Oh, how nice.

[A]

That's really good.

[B]

Right? Sorry. What were you saying? You were trying to do something.

[A]

No.

[B]

What were you talking about? I wasn't listening to you. I wasn't.

[A]

Me either. Whenever people get upset that I'm not listening to them, I go, Well, I don't. I'm sorry. I can't be sorry for that because I don't listen to myself either. I don't know what I'm saying. People repeat things I've said back to me. I'll go. Maybe I. I'm not listening. Listening.

[B]

Do you think I'm a good listener? Because I think you are a good listener. It's crazy that you.

[A]

If I'm locked in, I'm listening.

[B]

I think you're a good listener.

[A]

Yeah, well, I. It's my natural curiosity.

[B]

Once you are naturally curious and you have a bent for justice. According to your therapist.

[A]

Yeah, according to my therapist.

[B]

Yeah. But what do they know?

[A]

I don't know. I'm still deciding if I believe in therapy.

[B]

Yeah, well, don't. Don't bring it over here. You might find. You might find an answer quickly. No, I think therapy is good. You stay in it.

[A]

I have to. I've been in it since I was, like, 19. I've been really strong. Don't say like that. Wait, I'm, like, really ment.

[B]

You don't leave it. You don't leave it, hon. You stay in there.

[A]

I think I have strong mental fortitude.

[B]

No, I would stay there.

[A]

I lived in the city during the pandemic, and I was keeping it locked up tight.

[B]

Did you bring any pans? Be honest.

[A]

I'm sure I did.

[B]

Oh, I bet you did.

[A]

Oh, I do whatever anyone else does.

[B]

It's not true. It's not true.

[A]

I'm very. I'm going with the grain. I'm trying. My whole life, I'm really trying hard.

[B]

I would not have bang pots. I know it. No, were I here, I know I wouldn't.

[A]

I can't see you.

[B]

And the thing is, cg, my roommates would have. And I would have been like. I would have been like, are you kidding?

[A]

You wouldn't have gotten riled up.

[B]

Even once I riled up, I would have been very. I would have been deeply upset, but I wouldn't have been like, hey.

[A]

No, I mean riled up, like, oh.

[B]

To bang the pots.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

No, I think the. I think the refrigerator truck's full of bodies. Would have, probably. Would have.

[A]

Probably why they can't hear.

[B]

Would have probably dimmed. Might have dimmed my banging. The pots and pans energy.

[A]

It's for the nurses.

[B]

Yeah, you're right. Did the nurses want it?

[A]

I don't know a single nurse, so I can't answer that question.

[B]

I know one. You want to call her.

[A]

Yeah. I think it probably made things better.

[B]

My mom, Kelly. Oh, she wasn't a nurse in New York, but she's been a nurse for a long time.

[A]

Were people only banging in New York?

[B]

Yeah, it was specifically like you were leaning out the windows in Manhattan. I do remember the nurses.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Let's see what she says. We just called Molly's mom on the pod the other day.

[A]

Oh, Marg.

[B]

Marg. Hey. What are you doing?

[A]

Getting ready to go into work.

[B]

You've never worked a day in your life.

[A]

Well, I told you, I'm turning over a new leaf.

[B]

20, 25. That's really cute. Hey, you're on the podcast right now. I wanted to ask you a question. Is that okay? So, as a nurse, which you are, when people during COVID in New York were leaning out their windows banging pots and pans in support of nurses, would you, as a nurse have found that. Would you have found that helpful and inspiring? Yes. Are you sure? Yeah, I think I would have.

[A]

I think.

[B]

I think just the fact that they.

[A]

Were realizing that nurses were doing a very difficult job and that basically we were putting our lives on the line, you know, if they want to bang pots and pans or smoke a joint or whatever they want to do in our honor, I think kudos.

[B]

God, that you. You've made me look very bad. You've made me look very. You've made me look very bad in this moment. Well, I just had an opposite opinion, but you totally changed my mind. And I just wanna. I just want to thank all the healthcare workers out there and love you to death, Cal.

[A]

Love you, son.

[B]

All right, well, you have fun at work now.

[A]

All right, goodbye now.

[B]

Bye, Sug.

[A]

I'm learning that affirming is really important.

[B]

Wow. Yeah, that was crazy.

[A]

I mean, I don't think it's that crazy. I think it makes a ton of sense.

[B]

She was. She wasn't just like, yeah, that would have been nice. She was like, they need to understand that we put our lives on the line.

[A]

If I was working a 20 hour shift, I don't know how long the shifts are. If I was working a 20 hour shift at a hospital.

[B]

You're right.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[B]

What am I talking about?

[A]

And I'm on the street with my sneakers and someone is banging and clanging. Even if I'm annoyed by it. I'm going to cry a little.

[B]

These people. These people are saving lives around the clock during a global pandemic.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

To hear the clang of pots and pans. Yes.

[A]

Oh, my God. I would literally, I would.

[B]

I'm going to. What am I talking about? See this?

[A]

Cried since 2013. And I would.

[B]

That's the problem, dude. You sit behind a microphone and you stop. You lose touch with. Of course. That would mean something to her.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What am I talking about?

[A]

I will be honest with you.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

I don't think anyone is looking at us thinking we're in touch with the health care workers.

[B]

I think of myself as an in touch person, Taylor.

[A]

I do, too. And I think that you are.

[B]

I mean, wow. That was a real reality check.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's a. That's a. That's, you know, when politicians are like real Americans. That's that lady right there.

[A]

She should run.

[B]

She's a nurse in the Midwest. I mean, that's like, you know.

[A]

And no one was clanging out there. I'm learning.

[B]

And no one was clinging in Kansas. She was going to work for no clangs.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She was going to work for no claims. And she worked all the time during.

[A]

COVID Well, I think people don't. I think it's very sweet when people say thank you. I think it's very sweet when people. I think we. We assume that it's weird to tell someone what they mean to us, obviously. Or I think that. Sorry. Just speaking for myself. I guess other people do it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I think it's. I'm learning. It's really important. It's a thing I'd like to get better at.

[B]

Gratitude and praise.

[A]

Gratitude and praise and like being honest about my feelings.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Is that hard for you?

[A]

Definitely.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

For sure.

[B]

Yeah. Irony is a big shield for you. You use irony as a distancer.

[A]

Totally. And sometimes it's like I got in trouble and I go, for sure. I should have been more serious about that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know.

[B]

Yeah. You need to work on.

[A]

For sure. Yeah. Not you. I'm alone in that.

[B]

That's just your thing.

[A]

That's just. Well, sometimes you will. Like recently you've said things that, like in passing, that I think have been very sincere and I really thought about a lot.

[B]

Yeah. But it is scary and it does hurt. It hurts worse when everything hurts worse when you cared and tried.

[A]

I know.

[B]

And Then it's. And then people will weaponize it against you. That's a really insidious thing about the. Not just the Internet, but like a moment that we're having right now is like, like weaponizing people's feelings against them. Like, a lot of, like, not to make it political, but like a lot of like right wing rallying cry right now is being like. Like being like elated about people's devastation. Being like, being like, ugh, immigrants are crying today because Donald Trump is sending ice. It's like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And that's really like 100. Whoa.

[A]

Yeah, that would upset me.

[B]

And you're taking joy. And that's like. We actually. I don't know how often we stop and go. That's insane that you like that.

[A]

Yeah, it is a. It's like a spooky, desensitized thing. I saw it was a TikTok, I won't lie. I'm gonna say what.

[B]

The source.

[A]

I'm not gonna pretend the source.

[B]

I think it was an article in the Atlantic I was reading.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, where they were dancing to an audio.

[A]

I was reading it online. Still a newspaper it was, but it was like a scene from Cabaret, I believe. And the audience was kind of like laughing at moments of like, like true, like, spooky anti Semitism things that I think were supposed to be like kind of bone chilling moments in the musical. And sort of just like. I think it is like self protection of being like, it's okay, I'm laughing. It's funny. It's like, oh, that actually wasn't written to be funny. That wasn't written to be a funny moment.

[B]

Hey, that was like. That was to let you know that that character is one of the most evil people to ever live.

[A]

Yeah. Like, we're. It's a scary time. That's like, important to the plot of the musical. And it's. Yeah, it's like kind. It's.

[B]

It's.

[A]

There. There is like a callousness that is, I don't know, fashionable. I don't know if it's like. I don't know what it is.

[B]

It's a real negotiation that I'm constantly doing when I'm writing jokes. And I'm sure you are. I know. We all are. Where it's like, I want to make fun of everybody. I want to make fun of people different than me. And like, me, I want to. I like making jokes and I like making people laugh. It's what I want to do. And I'm lucky that I get like, an opportunity all the time. But I definitely do. I feel a real sense of like. Like whoa. I don't wanna. I wanna make sure that everyone knows where my heart is when I'm making the joke.

[A]

For sure.

[B]

You know what I mean? Cuz now it's more than ever people are like hiding behind comedy and being like well he's kidding. And it's like he's saying something deeply hurtful to an entire community of people.

[A]

100 I want to laugh too.

[B]

I love laughing. I also don't particularly believe in like being sensitive or. Or like a lot of reverence for. You know. But it's like, come on. There has to be something more important than being funny.

[A]

Yeah. I mean in comedy specifically being funny is so important. But I think I'm talking about in life. In life. I think it's not always. And it kind of bleeds in. And I do think that's what's like kind of cool about the Internet is I do think people are funnier because of it. Like more people are funnier. Like I think we have like sort of a shared language where everyone's able to sort of like craft a joke in a way that maybe like was really exclusive to performers or writers at a certain time. But it does lend to a little of that where it's like, oh, do we all need the space that like comedians need for risk, to take risks, to write jokes? Do all of us need that in our day to day? Like I don't want a guy in my office doing that.

[B]

No.

[A]

And also trying new stuff sort of in that way.

[B]

Something you said is a really clear delineation. Which is like the most important thing in comedy is being funny. Every time, all the time. Always. The most important thing in comedy is being funny. There's nothing else. It's not about being a good person. It's not about being charitable or generous. The most important thing in comedy every time is being fun funny. And I am a comedian. However, the most important thing in my life is not being a comedian. Most important thing in my life is being a good person. So the negotiation I'm doing is not. Is being funny the most important thing about being a comedian? That's not the negotiation. The negotiation is how much do I care about being a comedian right now versus being a human?

[A]

100 when I was like less mature and like in my 20s, I do think that I like it. It's like, you're already funny. You're funny or you're not. I've always been funny. So it's Sort of like. Like, why do I care about doing that all the time? Why do I need to have a take constantly? Why am I so uncomfortable doing the opposite? Like, why can't I develop that part of myself? And it is, like, maturity just to decide, you know, to be vulnerable and sincere and probably only serves your comedy better. I mean, like, when someone really turns it on you and makes you feel something when they're being after they've been really, really funny.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Got my ass.

[B]

Got my ass.

[A]

Got my ass good.

[B]

Hey.

[A]

I'm feeling deeply. Wasn't expecting.

[B]

Hey. Whoa.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

God. Yeah, that's so. Hey. I almost said that's so true. Taylor.

[A]

Yeah?

[B]

I got a segment for you.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I'm gonna read you 15 statements. You're gonna tell me as quickly as you can if you think they're true or false. Okay. If you get 10 or more correct, I'm gonna give you 50 US dollars.

[A]

That's crazy.

[B]

And that could go a long way towards whatever you needed to. That's an Uber ride. Yeah. Okay. You ready? As quick as you can. The ipod came out in 2008.

[A]

False.

[B]

False. It was 2010. Fish have eyelids.

[A]

False.

[B]

True. The Sahara Desert stretches further than the distance from California to New York.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

True. The New York jets have never won the Super Bowl.

[A]

False.

[B]

False. They won once in 1968. A jackrabbit can travel more than 12ft in one hop.

[A]

No.

[B]

True. The browser Internet Explorer has been discontinued.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

True. A Cucumber is only 3% water.

[A]

False.

[B]

False. Is 96 water. The side of a hammer is called a check or cheek. Sorry.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

True. Dolphins have the best sense of smell of any marine animal.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

False. They cannot smell. Kentucky Fried Chicken is older than Taco Bell.

[A]

Oh, true.

[B]

You sure?

[A]

No. False.

[B]

It is. True.

[A]

I stick with my trip.

[B]

Alicia Keys was born in Greenland.

[A]

False.

[B]

False. New York City. New Jersey was the third state in the Union.

[A]

False.

[B]

True. New Balance originally sold only tennis rackets.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

True. False. No US President has been born in Iowa.

[A]

Oh. False.

[B]

False. Herbert Hoover. Saturn is the sixth planet from the sun.

[A]

Oh, true.

[B]

Probably I think eight.

[A]

Yeah, that's not bad.

[B]

But I will say, because people come for me in these comments. The first one. IPad, not iPod, iPad.

[A]

And here's the thing. I would have been right either way because I had an iPad pod in, like, 2005.

[B]

Chance does get beat up in the comments about these. It's no people. People never comment angrily about almost anything other than being like, bears can swim. Like, they're so mad at Chance they Get pissed.

[A]

Well, I mean, the. The information is accessible.

[B]

Yeah. Is the thing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The way they heard that, the way it was. Was said out loud.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Was. What was? They are mishearing it. Right. The question was. Right, right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I wrote was. Right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm sick.

[A]

Hey, Nobody's. Listen. I don't remember what happened two minutes ago.

[B]

He's crying. He's. People can't see that he's crying.

[A]

He's crying.

[B]

You made a straight man cry. Do you know what that takes?

[A]

How would you like it if everyone saw you cry anyway?

[B]

Tayo Ortego, what's so true to you?

[A]

What is so true to me? You know, I've been noodling on this. I. And I feel like, unfortunately, I kind of already said it, and it's been an unpopular opinion. When I said that I think Italian food is for babies, that wasn't.

[B]

That was hard. Well, I was hard. I. I wonder what you mean by that.

[A]

Well, here's what I do think. I think it's like one of, like, everyone's like, it's my favorite food. And it's like, oh, controversial choice.

[B]

You might just be hanging out with a lot of Italian people.

[A]

Definitely. For sure.

[B]

Yeah. Because I'm not hearing that a lot.

[A]

Well, I grew up, obviously, eating it all the time. It's amazing. I love, love it. Nothing bad about it.

[B]

Right?

[A]

It's sauce. It's. It's.

[B]

What's better than this?

[A]

What's better than this? It's not a rarely a vegetable in sight.

[B]

I love that. Love that.

[A]

I went to Italy. I had a blast. I ate so much the whole time, I grew weary.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I won't. If you ask for, like, hot sauce or something, you know what they bring you? Just red pepper flakes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They go, do what you will with this. We've had these in the back for 50 years.

[B]

It's not what I need.

[A]

No one wants this. And it is just like it. I think what's amazing about it is it's like, oh, it's. It's fre. It's fresh tomatoes, it's basil, whatever. And I go, I need a little. Do you guys do, like. Is there, like, a Szechuan place? Rome?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

You know, is there some? And maybe that's so American of me to need.

[B]

It's funny, though, that you say Szechuan, because I was gonna say, when you said everyone's like, oh, Italian's my favorite. I'm like, I think everyone's favorite is Asian food.

[A]

Maybe there's Food trends. But you're right. It could. This could be a regional thing where I'm like, stop making me eat pasta.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're having a real specific experience. Everyone's mom is making gravy every Sunday.

[A]

It's like, Well, I think it's. And I kind of developed this thing where I go. I think it's, like, very accessible and not a scary food.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, and, like, I think it's, like, maybe a little hack to be like, white people. Don't eat spicy food. But it feels a little bit like you. Oh, you love lasagna so much. You love your little hot cheese sandwich so much. And it felt. I go, we need something else in here.

[B]

Yeah. It's also funny that Italian has, like, really cornered the market as, like, the fanciest food, where it's like, it's not at all. It's. Every fancy restaurant is some version of Italian, and it's like, the fucking sauce and the. Trying to get the noodles on the fork. It's like, I can do it, but I'm like, yeah, it is just, like, not. It doesn't really read to me as, like, why did this get to be the fanciest food?

[A]

I think it's, like, the most. I just think it's incredibly, incredibly popular. Most people like it. Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with that. And I think that Italians are annoying.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

For sure. Don't even think you had to say that. But I do think it's. I. It's like, they're big on presentation.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So that's how that happened. You know what I mean? They like to. The. The waiters want to talk to you, and they put out. I'm talking. This is like the 60s I'm referring to.

[B]

Yeah. To be clear, this is a time gone by. No one talks.

[A]

This is a new. This is a New York restaurant. Italian restaurant in the 60s.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

They're putting out a linen tablecloth. There's a guy. He's got a little.

[B]

Yeah. And a lot of times they're really cute. Italian guys are cute.

[A]

Italian guys are Italian. Italians are so cute. I. But. But they're. I mean, the ones I know are also. And when I say Italians, like, I've been to Italy, but the ones I'm thinking of are all from New Jersey.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You think of Jersey, and it's a different thing.

[B]

Yeah. What's different?

[A]

Haircuts, the clothes, the accents.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Definitely. Chains with the tank top, but culturally, not a lot.

[B]

Hanging out at Satriel's Pork. Yeah. All that stuff. Yeah, yeah. Tony yelling.

[A]

There's a lot. Tony.

[B]

Tony's there.

[A]

My grandfather. Rest in peace.

[B]

Yeah, Rest in peace to him.

[A]

Yeah. There's actually not a lot. A lot different.

[B]

AJ's having a bit of an attitude. We might need to send him a boarding school.

[A]

Oh, Italians don't go to boarding school.

[B]

Yeah, Meadow. Meadow's going off to college soon.

[A]

That was a crazy one. I don't know a single Italian Meadow in real life, but the rest of it. I didn't watch Sopranos until last year.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Really couldn't get into it, but really.

[B]

It'S like, it was a documentary about your life.

[A]

Well, that's the thing. I did find it, like, not, like, accurate, obviously. I'm like, not in organized crime, but. Most suspicious thing I've ever said.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. You're like, I did find. Never mind.

[A]

Cut, cut, cut, cut that chance. Tova's like, you. Please don't say you're not.

[B]

Yeah, your dad's gonna get a RICO charge after this.

[A]

Yeah, I did find that. I go, yeah, this is exactly what Italian people in New Jersey are like. Yeah, exactly.

[B]

I love that. That's beautiful.

[A]

When he's in his robe, standing over the counter, eating gaba ghoul out the rapper. I go, yeah, yeah. Hey, 100.

[B]

Yeah. That's iconic.

[A]

That's 100. 100.

[B]

That's beautiful. I wish we had that from Missouri.

[A]

I'm sure you do have a version of that.

[B]

Somebody somewhere gets really close. Yeah, somebody somewhere is great.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Great show. And it gets really close to feeling like that, but it's not quite my experience.

[A]

Right. And it's also.

[B]

They should make a show that feels like my life.

[A]

What would that be like? What would it. How would it be called?

[B]

It'd be called. It'd be called Gay Guy.

[A]

Gay Guy.

[B]

Gay Guy.

[A]

You're gonna have to fight a lot of gay guys for that title.

[B]

They couldn't. They couldn't carry the title. Yeah, I'm gonna have to do Gay Guy.

[A]

I was going, hbo, give me a call. I was going through a phase where I was. I would. I would be like, oh, that's so gay Guy. You know? And I didn't know if that was offensive.

[B]

Yeah, it's not. No one cares.

[A]

It's okay.

[B]

Yeah, gay guys are pretty cool about that stuff.

[A]

They don't really mind. They're kind of, like, living the life. Life.

[B]

It's funny that, like. It's funny that, like, gay guys and leftists get branded as such snowflakes by the Right wing, actually, because I'm like, we're pretty cool about everything.

[A]

Yeah. And sometimes the most problematic people I know.

[B]

True. Every queer person I know and that I've met in, like, every city is pretty much like, oh, yeah, pronoun jokes are hilarious.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Like, I'm like, what do you. What is it? What is this made up queer person that you guys are sparring with? We're all like, oh, yeah, that's hilarious.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, it's actually funny, you know, and.

[A]

That'S the trouble with I. Most of the people I want to make fun of are people in my own community.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, and that's really hard because you can't let everybody in on that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I want to do it so bad.

[B]

Yeah. You love it.

[A]

I love it.

[B]

You are one of my most problematic friends.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

You have some really complex and intense feelings about things that are. You should not. I know you're really pro prison, which.

[A]

I know I am. It's because I have built so many.

[B]

Yeah, well, more profit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Fill those beds, you know, but you always say, fill those beds.

[A]

I'm always saying that. To be fair. When I got into it, I didn't even know what a prison was. And I regret it.

[B]

Yeah. You just.

[A]

And I'd like to apologize, but it's gotten away from me.

[B]

Yeah. It's bigger than us now.

[A]

It's bigger than me now.

[B]

But your bills are paid.

[A]

I have a lot of employees and I have to pay. You know, they got families. Yes. Is that the same thing?

[B]

Yeah. Warden and guard are not the same.

[A]

I watched about a season and a half of Orange is the New Black.

[B]

I'd be a great warden.

[A]

This rocks. These gals are going down on each other left and right. I got. I gotta open one of these.

[B]

Totally.

[A]

And then I found out they do them for boys, too.

[B]

Boy prison. Boy prison. Much different prison, but still prison.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Girl prison. Much more girl prison. I've heard much more. You've heard things about it about girl prison?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't think that I really would truly know the experience of any. Any prison. I. I can't. I would choose girl prison, I think.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I don't think I would do well.

[B]

You would do well in girl prison, do you think?

[A]

Yeah, I would definitely have friends.

[B]

But you're charming and beautiful. I think you do quite well.

[A]

Thank you. I think I would get a girlfriend immediately.

[B]

Totally.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. That's really gorgeous, but I don't know.

[A]

How that works there.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

I Don't know if it's like, mostly like, everyone's open or like, I don't know if they like DTR in.

[B]

They do. And it's serious.

[A]

Oh, it's probably so serious.

[B]

Really serious. People get stabbed over it.

[A]

And actually, if you think about it's.

[B]

DTR in a way that we actually don't even do on the outside, I could start. Yeah. You're gonna start stabbing people over if.

[A]

We start to be honest about our feelings and really, like, open that gate.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I could see myself getting pretty possessive.

[B]

Stabbing someone over a trans guy in a loafer.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, I mean, that person first.

[B]

Yeah, for sure.

[A]

Are you kidding?

[B]

Oh, yeah. That's intense.

[A]

There's only, like. Yeah. I mean, it's a small community.

[B]

I don't want to go to prison.

[A]

No, me neither. Let's get that on the record.

[B]

Yeah. One of my biggest fears for a long time was being wrongfully convicted of a crime.

[A]

And you were sort of. Did that affect the way you navigated your life?

[B]

100%. And I genuinely. Now I have a couple of friends who were wrongfully convicted who I've met in the world.

[A]

That's really scary.

[B]

I. It really is. It's intense. I have one of the. A friend of mine in Kansas City. I have a couple friends in Kansas City who are wrongfully convicted of crimes, and each of them spent, like, 20 plus years in prison.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Did not commit. And were later exonerated for. And there's a bunch of people in prison who didn't fucking do it.

[A]

Yeah. When I was, like, 19, my boyfriend had this, like, app, and it was very early into apps. Like, not everyone even had iPhones. And it was like, know your rights. And he was like. And it quizzes you to know your rights. And at the time, I didn't understand.

[B]

Can I just say, it is so funny in the same episode to be like, yeah, I'm trying not to mention my age anymore. And then to be like, I had this boyfriend who had one of the first apps.

[A]

I can't.

[B]

So when apps were invented, I was there.

[A]

And I'm sort of cryptic about it too. I'm like. I'm like. We were in our candlelit living room.

[B]

Yeah. It was on. It was on a Nokia Flip, and it was called KnowYourRights app.

[A]

Yeah. Well, at the time, there were only. What was it, 14 states.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And we were in the New Republic.

[B]

Of York, and he was Ortega, 5.

[A]

Foot 9, and that's it there for the first time. And I was I didn't understand at all why that was important at the time. Obviously, I was incredibly ignorant to why you would need to know your rights.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And now I go, I want to know every single right I have. Yeah. I want to be well versed. He also made me watch that. Now, it's probably a viral. See, I'm gonna mention a viral video, and it's not gonna be. But it was a law professor basically talking to a class and bringing a police officer in.

[B]

Well, he wasn't talking. There was like, piano happening while he held up cars.

[A]

It was a cabaret. Yeah, it was a Harvard cabaret.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And he basically brought. Brought a police officer into the class and had the police officer be like, do not talk to the police ever.

[B]

That's insane.

[A]

And the police officer was like, my job is to, like. I'm doing everything I can to, like, get you to say something. And like, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. It's like, anything you say. And he was like, don't say a word to me. This is what I do. This is how I do it. And I'm good at my job. And he like, explains it to the class. And it's like, no matter who you are, you are so much better. Even if you're trying to be helpful, like, don't say a word.

[B]

And then they want us to laud them as public safety heroes. They want us to laud them as public guy. Well, yeah, but it's like he's admitting.

[A]

The whole guy who came to the law class.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Except for him, who was, like, giving away the whole game.

[A]

The whole game.

[B]

Be like, hey, once we get in our head that you did something, we're going to do everything we can to make it seem that way so, you.

[A]

Know, don't not even get it in our head. It's kind of like I want the day to be over and I'm getting my conf. I'm getting somewhere on this case. That's what they do. That's not good.

[B]

They go, we got to get somebody for this. Yeah.

[A]

Shouldn't be how it works, but, yeah, you got it. Going back to the station. Had to be hard that afternoon up.

[B]

That I have such good politics because I'd be an incredible cop.

[A]

You think I could really?

[B]

I guess, dude, I'd be amazing at it. Playing little mind games with people that are innocent.

[A]

You would, but you'd also let a lot.

[B]

That's what they do.

[A]

Slide.

[B]

It's their evil. I would let a Lot slide. But the second Cops are so iconic because they. They will. They will let you break. They want you break any law as long as you say yes, sir and no, sir. The second you disrespect them, they're like, oh, you just broke the breathing air in front of me law. Like, I know. They really are petty little.

[A]

And I'm so bad at that. Yeah, I'm really working on my obstinance and my issues with authority.

[B]

Yeah, we gotta end the episode. Hey, it was so much fun having you on. I love you to death. Do you want to tell people where to find you?

[A]

Absolutely, you can. I don't know what I'm doing over on Instagram. It's crazy over there. A lot of close friends stuff, so you don't have to worry about that. But it's tail Ortega and I got have some fun digital series on there. Oh. And I'm in a bunch. I'm on a bunch of TV shows and so you'll catch me out there. I'm in a movie that's coming out soon. It's a sequel to a simple favor. Gorgeous. Yeah. Me, Blake Lively, Anna Kendrick, all doing an equal amount of work.

[B]

Yeah. Same payment, same.

[A]

Same everything.

[B]

Yeah. Same billing, same pay.

[A]

I'm working the same hours as those guys.

[B]

It's your classic three hander.

[A]

If for some reason it seems like they're in more of the movie than me, I just got a lot cut because I kept improvising.

[B]

Optical illusion. Yeah, optical illusion. Played by the production company, definitely. Yeah. That's gorgeous. I didn't know you were acted.

[A]

Yeah, I've been getting into it.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah. Once I joined Scientology, they were like, this is a really good way to kind of like bridge. We have classes. Do you want to.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Thank you so much, Taylor. This was awesome. That was a hit. Gum podcast.

[A]

Hey, it's Nicole Byer here. Let me ask you something. Are you tired of endless swiping on dating apps? Fed up with awkward first dates and disappointing hookups?

[B]

Girl.

[A]

Same. Welcome to why won't you date me? The podcast where I figure out love and how to suck less at dating. Each week, I get real with comedians, friends, and celebrities about their love life lives. We swap dating horror stories, awkward hookups, and dive into the messy and wonderful world of relationships. I've chatted with amazing guests like Conan O'Brien, Whitney Cummings, Sarah Silverman, Trixie Mattel, Tiffany Hadditch, and so many more. So whether you're single, mingling or booed up, there's something in it for everyone. Tune into why Won't you Date me with me, Nicole Byer and discover insights that might just save you from your next dating disaster. Listen and subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts, and catch full video episodes on YouTube. New episodes drop every Friday.