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A
When it's time to scale your business,
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B
Hey everybody. I'm back on the road. I am though. Batavia, Illinois, you were incredible. Those shows at the Comedy Vault. What a club, what a staff, what a crowd. I can't say it enough. I had a hell of a time. Stanford, Connecticut, thank you. That was a hell of a weekend. With Greg Stone working on new stuff. Next up, we got July 25th in Montreal. Club soda. The late show tickets available@dancer.com and then July 31 and August 1. Four shows. Albany, Funny Bone. I'm bringing SAG Daddy to God, so go get tickets. We're doing four shows at the Funny Bone. That's July 31 and August 1, Albany, Funny Bone. And then August 20 to August 22. I'm going to be at the Spokane Comedy Club in Spokane, Washington. Beautiful. Spokane, Washington. Dan Soder.com for all the dates that I listed. Go get them. Working on the new hour, building it and it's awesome. I. I really appreciate you guys coming out. I love doing standup. This rules. So thanks for coming out and thanks for watching the podcast and I hope you're doing all right, you know, cuz there's a lot of going on, so I hope you're cool. Super casual here.
- [02:16]
A
I like that.
- [02:17]
B
Yeah, dude, we're good. Super casual.
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A
Look at that. You guys got a lot of nice gear here.
- [02:21]
B
Well, you know what it is, is, well, you don't have to be owned by these places anymore.
- [02:26]
A
Yeah, it's funny how we figure they figure that out. The XM's like, wait, don't tell them that cameras are only eight grand for the best ones.
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B
B and H, you're taking us down a peg.
- [02:36]
A
They went to PC Richard and Son.
- [02:38]
B
Oh, that son of a bitch and his bastard just cutting us at the knees. There's just a boardroom at SiriusXM with a fucking corkboard of who they need to kill. We took out the whiz. That was easy.
- [02:50]
A
Mullen. Mullen doesn't know how much cameras are. Do they? Good.
- [02:55]
B
He's unfamiliar on how to Google a camera.
- [02:58]
A
Good. I was watching the other night from three tables over he couldn't figure out.
- [03:02]
B
Do you. You're, like, one of the only people I know. We. We live in an age now of, like, Peter Pan. Just like all the guys in our 40s now are just giant children. I'm prime example.
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A
Oh, man.
- [03:14]
B
There's wrestling dummies behind you and shit.
- [03:15]
A
These are valuables.
- [03:17]
B
Goddamn right. But this is why I love Nick. This is why I love. And obviously, Nick Rush for Go watch everything he does. Scuff. Realtor just did a live one. You're the funniest. Appreciate that. You are the man that every one of my friends. This is why I'm bringing this up. You're the guy I know that all my friends call with dad questions, big dad questions. You are the de facto dad to comedians, but like, to fun comedians.
- [03:41]
A
Yeah. Oh, no. I have no pro. I will. I will assume. It's okay, man. Listen, man, you give me a call when you're in a little bit of trouble. You got a big check. You're nervous about that kind of money.
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B
Yeah.
- [03:51]
A
You walked away from the weekend. You got $31,000. You got. You got one of those last weekend, too.
- [03:56]
B
Okay.
- [03:56]
A
And then a couple of weeks. You got one of those before. Now we got 100 grand. You're thinking, do I do a house? I want to. I want a car that goes really fast. And I'm like, easy, brother, easy. So I have no problem whatsoever. And I will take the phone call. I take the phone call like, it's my son in a. Like, at a frat house, like, on a drug he never took before.
- [04:14]
B
Dad. But it's Lewis going, hey, there's an Audi A8. And I really wanted to go, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom.
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A
It's like, I know you do, Lewis. I know you do. He's like, and there's a girl with me, and she really thinks I'm hot. And I'm like, no, no, no. She's just stupid.
- [04:29]
B
What did we talk about your insurance? And he goes, I know, I know. 20 accidents in six months is really bad.
- [04:35]
A
I know. It's my Puerto Rican driving skills.
- [04:39]
B
Louis go smash. He talks like hu. But it is. I guess the question is, is because, like, you're talking to a guy that follows that account on Instagram of like, here's how you do stuff. That dad that started. It's like. It was like a feel good story. Was like, here's how you change a tire.
- [04:56]
A
Yeah.
- [04:56]
B
And I followed him because that's the kind of hole I have inside of me where I'm like, I need that.
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A
I get.
- [05:01]
B
How do you learn that shit? Did your dad put.
- [05:03]
A
My dad. My dad was dad. I had like four dads. So, like, gay dad's rule. Yeah, yeah, right. He's like. He rolled with like a bunch of guys that had no problem being like, my daughter is a. Like an emo up. But your son listens to you, Rocky. My dad?
- [05:20]
B
Yeah. Your dad's name's Rocky, too?
- [05:21]
A
Yeah. That's nuts. And I don't think he. I think he think he saw the movie. He was like, no, I'm gonna change my. His name's Richard. He was like, nah, that Rocky.
- [05:28]
B
Yeah.
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A
Which is totally nuts. Especially the fact that he looked like Freddie Mercury growing up.
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B
So cool that he saw it. He goes, I like this kind of Italian. I'm Rocky, too.
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A
Hey, everybody's always called me that. I'm right?
- [05:42]
B
No, dude, I've been Rocky since I was a little kid.
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A
His father'. No, no, it's not. We called you Richard.
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B
You're Richard a Dicky.
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A
That hurts more that I'm not Dicky.
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B
I'm Rocky.
- [05:52]
A
He's looking at his dick. He's like, no, it's not. It's Rocky the boxer and my stupid girlfriend. My dogs.
- [05:58]
B
I call him Buckus Mick, but. Yeah, but your dad, was he putting you on to, like.
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A
I grew up in a, like a small car dealership of like, imagine like a single garage with that can fit two cars and then a little man door and then an office maybe the size of this room with a desk and three guys just used to hang out, no jobs. A commercial painter named Junior Uncle June Bug Howard. All dead. All these guys are now dead. And one of them was like a builder. One of them was like a. Like a painter. And then my dad. And then like, my Uncle Tommy wouldn't. Tommy was like a biker kind of guy, but they would have. My dad never kicked me out of the room with men, which is really weird. He'd be like, hey, the crooked cop is gonna sell us a gun. Stay right here. And like. And it would be like three guns on the ground. He'd be like, ah. And this is like, people, this sounds like the most like, Cap story. And it's totally true. He's like, yeah, that gun's cool. He bought like a really cool like a 1911 with like a handle. And he's like, you know, there's been people. The city's getting worse. But we worked, we lived at a buy. We did buy here, pay here, auto, which is you, you fifteen hundred dollars down, forty dollars a week. And I would collect the money from the, the people. On Saturdays, my dad would go buy cars at dealerships. Like he'd go to the back of the dealers by the trade ins. Basically, yeah. So on Saturday he would leave at 9 and I would sit there from 9 to 12 and I would collect like 35, 45 off an index card. And I would expect like, let's just say 60 people to come in and give me 35. I would tuck it with their index card.
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B
And that's what they would come in and go like, hey, so and so. Here's 40 bucks.
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A
Here's my. I'm Mrs. Johnson. And I paid, you know, it's. I have the Cadillac. Your dad told me and he was like, all right, here you go. And then like, how old are you
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B
when you're doing this?
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A
Like, nine.
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B
Crazy.
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A
Nuts. Crazy alone.
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B
Yeah, crazy, crazy.
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A
And like all I have is like the guy you get. No, it was the best buy. They would be like, I don't have it. And I'd be like, well, you know the rule, Mrs. Johnson.
- [07:45]
B
Crazy.
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A
Go get something worth $35. And that would be. I'd have to say, go get something worth 35. And he'd be like, just make them go get something. And they'd come back with like tools and like dogs.
- [07:56]
B
Oh my God.
- [07:57]
A
Like, like, like Saint Bernard. Like, these are $300 puppies, you know, like that's, you know, you know, the
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B
nine year old turning down puppies.
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A
I'm like, this, It's a wholesale. I'm like. And I'm like, I know that Chesapeake Bay retrievers are like $400. Like, I just know they are.
- [08:09]
B
You're like letting it kiss you. You, you go, that's like the gummer of puppies.
- [08:14]
A
Yeah, A little smell, puppy breath on my nose.
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B
You go, that's pretty good.
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A
I'm like, dad, we got a dog. I'm going to name him Dallas, as in the cowboy.
- [08:21]
B
I took nine of them at four a piece.
- [08:24]
A
No.
- [08:24]
B
Oh, no, that's. Accounts closed.
- [08:26]
A
Call the one ad. Make an ad. You're selling them.
- [08:28]
B
You got eight for sale, 250 turning and burning, baby. That's what we do. So you're just on your Saturday mornings are just collecting money for people that are barely getting by that needed their car work done or scumbags.
- [08:41]
A
No, they were all right. It was honestly one of those things that. It sounds really predatory. It could be. We were like, it wasn't a bad thing. And it was almost like, look, the car is. It was like 19. See, I was born in 84, so it was like 1993. And we were selling like 1989. Like Cadillac DeVilles in like the hood, relatively speaking on front street. When socket look at a four or nine front street levels.
- [09:01]
B
I love that. I love the receipt. Google map it.
- [09:04]
A
You Google everybody's like, rich kid grew up with his dad's dealer. They think I own like a Ford dealership. I'm like, look, the dealership.
- [09:10]
B
Someone that went to college with kids whose dad I went to college with a kid whose dad owned a Land Rover dealership. And I'll tell you right now, upon meeting you, the first time we ever met versus at Skank Fest versus like I. You can tell.
- [09:24]
A
Oh yeah.
- [09:25]
B
When I met the Land Rover kid, I was like, what is your dad own a dealership? And he'd be like this in La Jolla. And you're like, oh, God damn it. Versus you. Where I was like, I bet this guy is like a fence. Like you're like a fence of. So like you're a post, whatever they call it. One of those guys that sell weap in the old west. They used to call them like posts or something. I don't know. We can delete this. That's the best part of editing.
- [09:47]
A
That's a.
- [09:48]
B
But when I saw you, it's like a trading post. But it's like you're a guy that see and go. I bet he could get me an illegal gun.
- [09:54]
A
Yeah. I was not. I was never a gun guy up until two weeks ago, but yeah. No, really? Yeah. Guns I never got. I just got my first gun. Two guns. I bought a little like a school shooter psycho gun with. It's like mint green, it looks like.
- [10:04]
B
I don't think you're supposed to call it a school shooter, right?
- [10:06]
A
It's. Something's wrong with it. Like, it's just a. I was like, I'll take that one. That's cool. It's for my. It's like a credit card size Smith and Wesson bodyguard something. And then I bought a buddy of mine built me a. An AR with like cus. And I wanted it to look like like a The Pottery Barn edition gun with, like, cranberry and it's so ridiculous.
- [10:25]
B
Dude. If you would have made a Pier 1 Imports gun where it's like a wicker basket handle.
- [10:32]
A
That's so. Like a woven one. That's so funny. Like, with like a. Like a duvet, like a down duvet shoulder pad. It's like the grip has, like a velvet. Like a crushed velvet paisley beachy ar. It's a very beachy. It's fun.
- [10:45]
B
It's a very Cape Cod AR15.
- [10:48]
A
The breeze going through your hair, the anger pulsing through your veins.
- [10:51]
B
Junk has ran out of your system. You're looking to shoot up and make enemies.
- [10:55]
A
Your putrid hatred, virility for life going, I'm going to try to show you my pottery.
- [11:01]
B
This. What a company mashup with a gun. Smith, Smith and Wesson and Pier 1 Imports bring you. Yeah, that's cool.
- [11:09]
A
So you don't want to show that, but that's. That's it. That's cool. Yeah, but it's gone. They were like, the guy who built it for me posted it, and everybody's like, who's the idiot who built this gun? And they were like, nick, did ever break in my house again?
- [11:23]
B
Watch out, you've got a laser point on your dick.
- [11:26]
A
You're, like, so freaking dead right now.
- [11:28]
B
Blow your hips out.
- [11:30]
A
Which is really funny. If you robbed my house, it'd be like, they used to sell. Like, I used to have an antique store. And they'd be like, oh, dude, aren't you afraid of people stealing? I'm like, who are these gay burglars that are gonna steal? Like, oh, can grab the Warhol.
- [11:42]
B
Someone. I hear someone. And you hear it because of gasps. They go, I've been looking for this. You go, someone's broken in.
- [11:50]
A
Someone's in here.
- [11:50]
B
Someone's in the house.
- [11:51]
A
Click, click, click, click. I'm like heels.
- [11:54]
B
It's like hearing my dog run down the hallway.
- [11:58]
A
Come on, girl. Oh, my phone's ringing. Oh.
- [12:00]
B
Oh, my God. Turn on silent.
- [12:01]
A
You Romeo, you better be outside. Turn the car. I'm going to get the fuck out of here.
- [12:06]
B
Go, go, go. I've got a first edition RuPaul Drag Race that he has framed in here.
- [12:10]
A
Do y' all stay?
- [12:11]
B
Yeah, but that kind. You calling it a school shooter. Handgun. Makes me think. If you say that when you're buying the gun, remember you would try to buy a bong and you'd call it a bong.
- [12:22]
A
Yeah.
- [12:23]
B
And they go, it's a water pipe. Everything in here is for tobacco use only. You do wonder if that's how. I'm not a big enough gun guy to know the answer.
- [12:31]
A
Me neither.
- [12:32]
B
But talking like that in a gun store, we're going like, I know a family I can make disappear with this and they hate. We can't do that now.
- [12:39]
A
We can't. Now we can't sell it. That's right. And I'm like this. You're going to blow me tonight, right honey? You're going to blow me tonight, right, honey?
- [12:47]
B
It's the same energy I had when I was at 15 at Smokies with a Z. Being like, oh, then I'll be like this, I'm going to get so high. And the guy's like, dude, I come on now.
- [12:57]
A
I can't sell to you, 15 year old kid.
- [12:58]
B
Yeah, but you go. You watch your fire. Yeah, just whispering stuff to yourself. You. I told you. I told you revenge would be mine. Who's the.
- [13:07]
A
Who's the fat. Who's got fat tits now? Eddie, stay asleep. Stay the asleep. I got 411 for this gun.
- [13:14]
B
Start doing this worse stuff. Where you go, baby, I know this is scary. Get in the car. We gotta go away from mommy. Hold on. This does feel natural. Baby, go.
- [13:23]
A
Maybe the car is ready. Clyde. Me and my daughter.
- [13:27]
B
Just the two of us. Just you and I say, mama. Hey, are you singing Bonnie and Clyde 97? Because I can't. No, no, no, no, no.
- [13:35]
A
I was thinking Z top.
- [13:37]
B
I was just a little baby boy. You're not allowed to sing Eminem and look at guns. Yeah, they're like, no, you got to give me that.
- [13:43]
A
Sorry, dude, you can't. Like they point to a sign. It's like no Eminem, Slim Shady, LP album.
- [13:48]
B
Wayne's ruled when he does Stairway to Heaven. Hey buddy, we got a strict rule because guns are fun. I lived in Arizona, I grew up in Colorado where like there's a lot of. Hey, everybody. I don't know how to. Sometimes I don't know how to start these where I just go like, hi everyone. I'm here to talk to you about a subject. But you know, everything's digital now. All your money, cash is still king in my eyes. But you need an app. You need an app to bank. You need an app to pay friends for stuff. Cash app is a great app if you're looking for an app that makes you feel good with security. If you weren't up to speed already, Cash app is way more than just a safe way to send and receive money. With the cash App card, you unlock a ton of perks, which is great, plus discounts on everyday purchases. And you can add your card to your digital wallet to make your money moves easier. Cash App also adds security to your money by declining any suspicious card transactions and sending you a notification to make sure the payment is actually you. If your card is ever lost or stolen, you could lock it with just one tap right in the app. That's probably a very underrated feature that people need to realize if you ever lose your credit card, if you have Cash App Card, you lose it. Just go to the app, bam. And now it's fine. One click of a button, Cash App can do way more than you think, and it can make your money work. If you do direct deposit at least $500 in paychecks every month and use the Cash App card for purchases, you can earn interest on your savings, no hidden fees, and no minimum balance requirements. New Cash App customers can earn $10 if they use the code CASH APP10 in their profile at signup and send $5 to a friend within 14 days. Terms apply. So do that. Get yourself free. Five free. 10 bucks. Dude, it's pretty sick. Cash App is a financial service platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App Bank Partners. Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton bank member fdic. Cash App Visa debit flex cards issued by Sutton bank member FDIC and the Bancorp bank pursuant to a license from Visa USA Incorporated. See terms and conditions for the Sutton prepaid card, Sutton Debit Flex Card and Bank Court Bancor Debit flex card. Cash App Green features savings, direct deposit roundups, overdraft coverage, and discounts provided by Cash App, a Block Incorporated brand. Visit Cash App Legal podcast for full disclosure. Square. Square in the business you own now, make money. I remember back in the day, I used to go on the road with Bobby Kelly and I would sell T shirts for him, and I was horrible at it. And people would be like, oh, here I have a debit card. And I'd be like, yeah, it's 20 bucks cash. And they'd be like, well, I don't have cash. And I'd be like, well, it was nice meeting you. And now all I had to do was get a square. You get a square, you put it on your phone taps, your credit card, you see how much you paid. You get. You get it all. The breakdown right there. Square is a platform behind the scenes of so many businesses you already love. Whether it's someone selling T shirts at a comedy club, whether they're cutting hair Fixing bikes or running a boutique. Square gives them one connected system to take payments, manage inventory and run payroll, send invoices, and track it all from one place. No contracts, no hidden fees, no complicated installs. Just tools that accept every major payment, let you see sales and inventory, and help you access your earnings. And immediately. With Square banking, if you're starting a business or running one that deserves better tools, Square helps you sell, manage, and grow without slowing down. Right now, you can get up to 200 off Square hardware@square.com. go Soder. That's sq a r e.com geo Soder. Run your business smarter with Square. Get started today. Guns. The first time I was around a gun was my uncle who, like, lived up in the mountains. And it's the first time you're disciplined. I think that's what's important.
- [17:58]
A
Yeah.
- [17:58]
B
Is being yelled at by a man as a boy about gun safety where you feel stupid.
- [18:05]
A
Yes.
- [18:05]
B
Because what happened is I had the rifle, and you're always supposed to keep it pointed up, finger off the trigger or whatever. And I was like 9 years old, and I went like that. And he went, what the. Like. Which is how you're supposed to react.
- [18:18]
A
Right.
- [18:18]
B
And then it's. And I was like, oh. You know that thing where you're like, I'm sorry.
- [18:21]
A
I'm sorry.
- [18:22]
B
I'm not a perfect boy. And your uncle's like, no. Your uncle's like, no, dude, you're just aiming a gun at everybody.
- [18:29]
A
Yeah.
- [18:29]
B
And you're like, yeah. And then I grew up and then would go to ranges in Arizona, dude. I'd wake up hungover and just go to go, shoot.
- [18:36]
A
It's like a massage.
- [18:37]
B
Yeah, it's an Arizona massage.
- [18:41]
A
$40 worth of ammo out there. They love. They do. That's where I shot a lot with the administrative results guys. And they took it so seriously. You know, when you drive in Arizona, you see the highway and they're like, where are we going to shoot these things? They're like, you know when you drive down the highway, like, we're going to go, like, up there.
- [18:55]
B
Yeah.
- [18:55]
A
Like into a hill. And we just took the amount of guns that was taken out on a table. They were like, yeah, this is. I was like, how the fuck do you guys have. Like, this is this. You could take over a fucking small country with this amount of, like, 18 guys and this much firepower. Could literally. You could take over, like, parts of, like, Albania, like, cities and stuff.
- [19:14]
B
I mean, good luck.
- [19:14]
A
Yeah. No, what am I talking about?
- [19:16]
B
See what they're doing to a Blanca and Jared Kushner.
- [19:19]
A
Yeah.
- [19:19]
B
They're like, come get this island. They're like pushing trailers off cliffs and it comes up in my feed and I watch every second of it.
- [19:26]
A
Yeah.
- [19:27]
B
Albanians are the toughest.
- [19:29]
A
Yeah, you're right. That would me up. I'm sorry I said that. Who is this talking man?
- [19:35]
B
Think he's so strong in the powerful.
- [19:38]
A
Why don't you come here? Try to take what I have.
- [19:40]
B
I will take. The double headed eagle will kill you.
- [19:43]
A
Falconer kills me.
- [19:44]
B
It's like, yeah, they are the toughest. Ve own. You don't like Vecchion? I lived with him for 10 years. He's obsessed with mafia. Like, obsessed with mafia. There was a guy that used to work at Gotham Comedy Club that was a retired nypd, but what he specifically did was he turned informants. That's what he did for the NYPD for like 30 or 40 years.
- [20:09]
A
Wow.
- [20:10]
B
So he would turn guys.
- [20:11]
A
He was a rat maker.
- [20:12]
B
Yeah, Rat king.
- [20:14]
A
Rat king.
- [20:14]
B
He would. You all know a rat, but he said he's like, terrified. I don't know what I got. He. But he'd explain to Mike how each family work. Like the Italians.
- [20:27]
A
You have the Colombo or the Colon.
- [20:29]
B
If you got an Italian, how you would get him is gonna. Hey, listen, we're not gonna fuck with your family. Your family can keep the money. You're just gonna help us get a case over a guy above you. So they always knew to go with the family. Like he said was like, I think. And again, this is like a story that vacuum told me over 10 years ago. But he said, like, the Asian, like the Triads and the Yakuza, couldn't crack them. No, could. But it was all about honor and respect. Like, respectfully, whatever information you give us. And then we like, kind of like almost like a business deal. He said the ones you couldn't crack were the Alban Albanians. Were like. The Albanian mob was like. They said a thing of like, if you join it, we. You have to have people that live in Albania.
- [21:11]
A
Yeah.
- [21:11]
B
So that if you rat, they just kill them.
- [21:13]
A
No way.
- [21:13]
B
Yeah. They go like, well, we're just gonna wipe out your whole family. And they go. And the guy from the NYPD was like, never got one.
- [21:19]
A
No way.
- [21:20]
B
Never got an Albanian.
- [21:21]
A
That's. I heard that about the Chinese guys in Providence, where. Okay, you pull over a Chinese kid. Kid with a gun from Boston.
- [21:29]
B
Yeah.
- [21:29]
A
And they don't say one word.
- [21:31]
B
Chinese. But he's got the accent. He's like, what the Are you doing? You're pulling me over here?
- [21:35]
A
Ye.
- [21:37]
B
Are you doing. I wasn't speeding.
- [21:39]
A
I wasn't even driving. Well, hey, you like. Do you like apples?
- [21:44]
B
Come on, you're Chinese.
- [21:45]
A
He's like, well, I got nothing to say to you. How do you like them apples? But they would say nothing. It was horrifying.
- [21:50]
B
They wouldn't just.
- [21:51]
A
They wouldn't roll like that. That's, like, from that story from the mob guys that. From Providence. They were like, the Chinese, the cop mob guys.
- [21:58]
B
Yeah.
- [21:58]
A
Would be like, no, no. They say no words. From the time you stop them, find the gun, to the four years through,
- [22:05]
B
they just sit there and take it.
- [22:07]
A
Yeah.
- [22:07]
B
And then when they're done, they probably. When they're done sitting on it, they don't even. Probably get a giant party like Italians do, where there's women with boas on and it's just a old Chinese guy smoking a Marlboro 100. And he goes. And he goes. And then he leaves. Just gets in a car, drive, does four years. Yeah, that's what it is.
- [22:28]
A
No party. No. I mean, the Albanians, you know, you got your. Who's the peace? Who's the most peaceful country in the world, then is Denmark. Who's the easiest one to conquer?
- [22:37]
B
Denmark. Denmark. Here's the thing. You want to say Scandinavia.
- [22:42]
A
Yeah.
- [22:42]
B
But then all you got to do is look into the history and go, oh, you turn them on, you're in trouble.
- [22:48]
A
Yeah.
- [22:49]
B
I think they're pleasant people. I went to Stockholm, which I loved, and I did. Oh, I love Sweden.
- [22:53]
A
Were they nice to you?
- [22:54]
B
They're unbelievable.
- [22:55]
A
I went. I lived in Stockholm for a month.
- [22:57]
B
Really?
- [22:57]
A
And, yeah, I lived in Lilja Homan,
- [22:59]
B
which is right near, by the way. Good luck pronouncing it.
- [23:01]
A
Yeah. Yeah.
- [23:02]
B
I'm half Swedish, and I can't pronounce it.
- [23:04]
A
Yeah.
- [23:05]
B
They're like. They go, oh. Like how they say my last name. And I go, oh, it's suitor. And they go, no, it's you. I've said this before. It's so frustrating because I'm like, how am I saying it wrong?
- [23:15]
A
I'm saying it just like. You are like. And the girls are so gorgeous.
- [23:19]
B
Gorgeous.
- [23:19]
A
And I remember being there, and they were like, everybody. I went. I left on Thanksgiving night. I dated a girl a long time ago, and I went to go see
- [23:27]
B
her, and she was in Sweden.
- [23:29]
A
She lived in. She went to the Stockholm School of Economics. I was like, why did I ever date a girl? And then.
- [23:33]
B
Cool life, dude.
- [23:34]
A
It was a cool life. She was A cellist. You ever date a girl and then stop dating a girl and then be like, why the fuck did I stop dating that girl? And then the second year in date minute one, you're like, oh, that's right. Because you get drunk and you turn into a huge bitch.
- [23:44]
B
Yeah.
- [23:45]
A
Oh, shit. I, like, literally forgot that. And then when she was walking up to me in the Stockholm train station, I was like, oh, yeah, that's right. You got totally annihilated and then made me and my guys, like, I had a landscape coming. Made me and my guys, like, move furniture for you. And like, you bossed us around for two weeks and I hated you.
- [24:01]
B
Oh.
- [24:01]
A
And I was like, and now I'm already, like, living with her.
- [24:04]
B
That returning anxiety.
- [24:05]
A
Yes.
- [24:06]
B
Where you go, oh, no, I forgot this is how you make me feel. And now I'm regretting in your apartment
- [24:11]
A
and I don't like you. And I'm living in Lily. A home. And with her for like, it was like two weeks. Then we went to Amsterdam. But I remember, like, we were trying to party and, like, smoke weed and. And I was like, they don't. They weren't sharing their weed with me. I was fat. I mean, I was like this, but I felt like I was nineteen hundred pounds.
- [24:26]
B
Yeah, they all. They're all built lean. Yeah, they're tall and lean.
- [24:30]
A
Yeah, it's like pecking.
- [24:31]
B
Not all of them. Some Swedes are chubby, some that came to America. My family was big for some reason, really fat.
- [24:37]
A
Swedish gets him out of here. What is it?
- [24:42]
B
You can't call us that. That's what they say. We're walking towards them. Hey, she's not cool.
- [24:50]
A
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, they're like, you should. Homer Simpson is over here eating all the cheeseburgers.
- [24:56]
B
Oh, look how. Don't breathe around him or he'll eat it.
- [24:59]
A
He'll eat your breast because he's so
- [25:00]
B
hungry, he eats your breath. The breast eater. That's what you find out. They call you the breath eater.
- [25:05]
A
No, that's what a skinny kid told me. I'm outside having a cigarette with it. One kid was cool, and I was having a cigarette with him. And he's in a T shirt and I'm in a army duffel coat, basically, like, and wrapped up. And I'm like, like, trying to rip a butt. And he's like, you need to control your breathing. And I'm like, what? He's like, you need to control your breathing. You don't control it. And I was like. I was like, what the Fuck. This kid's like 111 pounds, skinny as. I'll get out. And I'm like, oh, cool. This is fun. And I'm getting called fat.
- [25:34]
B
That. That is the thing that America needs more of is the European confidence.
- [25:41]
A
Yeah.
- [25:41]
B
And stuff like that. To tell other people what they're doing wrong.
- [25:44]
A
Yeah.
- [25:44]
B
Because in America, you go, hey, buddy, what's going on? You cold? Cold. You had that cigarette. And he goes, you need to breathe.
- [25:50]
A
Your breathing is off because you are. Your heart. Heart palpitations. Because your blood pressure is too high because your diet is poor. That's why you were embarrassed when you wanted to take you. They take their shoes off in the house. You remember, like, poor health. 20. I don't know if you guys just, like, your feet stink when you're like, a box.
- [26:06]
B
Yeah.
- [26:06]
A
And my feet are.
- [26:07]
B
Dude, my feet are grody. Really. Now I'm starting to work on them.
- [26:11]
A
Somehow it went away. I don't know. As I got older, maybe my diet changed. But, like, when I. And I was like, oh, cool, I have to take my feet off. And I'm trying to. Even though I can't stand this girl, I'm still trying to have sex with her. Yes, you're in. The smell of my feet. She wants to kill herself. Like, my feet smell, like, so bad. I remember there was a one time I took my shoes off at a party, and this girl started crying. She was like, why do they smell like that? She was all cooked out.
- [26:30]
B
Oh, my God. She's like, you're bumming me out of coke. Imagine being on coke and buckling because of the smell of feet.
- [26:40]
A
Like the oily. Like, when your socks crust under your toes smell, you know? You know when, like, they get like that.
- [26:45]
B
What the are you doing to me?
- [26:48]
A
The socks are hard.
- [26:50]
B
How did you. How did you leave the Swedish girl?
- [26:53]
A
I just was. We went to. We. We went to Amsterdam and I had, like, $4,000 to my name. And, like, we went out and we did Amsterdam, night one. We went to, like, Boom. Chicago. Like, an improv. I had just got done. UC Beast improv. So I was like, let's go see an improv show. Dude, this will be fat.
- [27:09]
B
Oh, this is.
- [27:10]
A
So we go there and it's the worst show I've ever seen. I'm. I'm. This is like pre. Stand up anything. I'm heckling. I'm being kind of a dick.
- [27:18]
B
Well, because you. You don't. You said you took the improv class.
- [27:22]
A
Yeah, I did the month intensive at ucb. In la.
- [27:24]
B
I can't. I can't imagine, like, the energy of coming out of an improv class and then seeing an improv class where you go, I can do that too. Yeah, I can do that too.
- [27:35]
A
Oh, they're doing zip zaps up. I know how to do that.
- [27:37]
B
Yeah. Yeah. They clear the scene where the guy walks in front of. Watch this old hat. Oh, watch.
- [27:42]
A
This guy's gonna come out. He's gonna be a chair. It's gonna be inanimate object time. Hold on. Watch this.
- [27:46]
B
But also, bad improv is so much worse than bad. Stand up.
- [27:52]
A
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
- [27:52]
B
Bad stand up. You pity the guy. You or a girl, you just go like, man, this sucks. Yeah, this just sucks. You lost the room. No one cares. Bad improv. It feels like you're at a friend's kids recital.
- [28:05]
A
That's exactly what it felt like.
- [28:06]
B
Rigo, I'm upset. Everybody here right now.
- [28:10]
A
It felt like you were at, like. Like the IBM luncheon or something like that. And they're like, all right, everybody, well, give me an it. Like that energy. And we've had some problems with the
- [28:20]
B
food court, so we put together a little sketch to show you how to get rid of your waste Kyle. And then he steps in.
- [28:29]
A
Oops. This feels junky. Let me check if it's recyclable.
- [28:32]
B
And that's. And you're just sitting there with a psychotic Swede who's like, I really don't like your friends.
- [28:39]
A
This guy is being kind of rude to the performers. Couldn't you. And we were just like, it. Ly. But the tickets were, like, a hundred dollars. I remember. Like, I remember the. The first night we were out, it was like, my. My turn was first night. She was gonna pay for second night. First night, we spent, like, eleven hundred dollars. We went to, like, the Anne Frank Museum.
- [28:53]
B
Yeah.
- [28:54]
A
And of course, I have the inappropriate comments where I'm like, this place is huge.
- [28:57]
B
Yeah.
- [28:59]
A
I'm like, this would be 3,800amonth in New York.
- [29:01]
B
I don't know if I would think everyone's heart's good if I lived in this place. That's funny. You know what's funny, though, is the scruffed realtor was popping out. What?
- [29:08]
A
Yeah.
- [29:09]
B
That's, like, the beginning of that was the early onset. That's where you're, like. You're, like, showing signs. What the is this?
- [29:14]
A
Six families lived in here. Big deal.
- [29:16]
B
This is.
- [29:16]
A
This is. It's literally bigger. Like the Anne Frank. The. The hiding area was bigger than this. And then Anne Frank. One part of it was Anne would write in one of the rooms like Anne Frank supposedly wrote in one of the rooms. And like, she would. They would clear out the room for her to write.
- [29:33]
B
Damn. That's how you know she was spitting.
- [29:35]
A
And then. Yeah, and then.
- [29:37]
B
And then she saw Aunt Frank doing her diary, looking out the window and put it to 8 mile.
- [29:41]
A
She was licking her ballpoint today.
- [29:44]
B
It took another family.
- [29:46]
A
I heard him. I pointed at him. I saw George Soros.
- [29:50]
B
I'm a Nazi.
- [29:50]
A
Otzi.
- [29:51]
B
I'm a Nazi. Otzi, Otzi, Nazi. I'm a Nazi.
- [29:54]
A
On.
- [29:55]
B
Are you doing your rhymes?
- [29:56]
A
Yes. George Soros was an anointed pointed. He's causing wars because he's George Soros pointing.
- [30:05]
B
Oh, yeah, that's. That's real good stuff.
- [30:08]
A
She's spitting in there.
- [30:09]
B
Oh, let's clear it out. Clear it out. Anne's got paws.
- [30:12]
A
Give her room. She's cooking.
- [30:14]
B
Oh, if they come by, I'll say you can. That's where the cooking
- [30:20]
A
is. Cooking up rhymes.
- [30:21]
B
Yeah, but. So you go do all the big things.
- [30:23]
A
We do all the big things. The next day, like, we wake up and I remember being like. I was like, poor and she was clearly a rich girl. Like, her mom was a realtor in Sweden. So she had bread and I was like, all right, what do you want to do today? She's like, let's go find me some socks.
- [30:34]
B
Oh.
- [30:35]
A
I was like, like, she did it just like that too. And I was like, nah, I want to eat like English breakfast and smoke weed and eat the weird mushrooms and like, let's go to the Heineken tour today.
- [30:45]
B
Yes.
- [30:45]
A
And like, do that or something. And she was like, no, let's. I want to buy a sweater. They have the best wool here. And I was like. And it's only. I was like, I don't. This isn't working. And then we just took a. Like a London. We took a train.
- [30:57]
B
Remember?
- [30:57]
A
We took a train somewhere. We took a flight. Orion Air flight back. I packed my. And then I went back to Amsterdam and stayed there for three weeks by myself.
- [31:03]
B
Hell yeah. It was the best break up.
- [31:05]
A
Amsterdam stayed there. It was un. I remember getting so up every night, living in a 12 hostel and just falling downstairs all the time and.
- [31:12]
B
Yeah.
- [31:13]
A
Did you. How long. How long are you in Sweden for?
- [31:15]
B
I was only there for a week.
- [31:16]
A
Did you tour there in comedy?
- [31:17]
B
No. Oh. I went to go see Queens of the Stone Age. Whoa. They played at Gruna Lund, which was
- [31:22]
A
like, oh, my God, I love Sakuruna Loons.
- [31:25]
B
But it's an outdoor. It's like Six Flags. But it's like a historical Six Flags.
- [31:30]
A
Really.
- [31:30]
B
Yeah. It's like all these bands have played there. Like historic. Like Jimi Hendrix and the Beatles and.
- [31:35]
A
Really?
- [31:35]
B
And Queens of the Stone Age was there. And I was like, it, Dude, I want to go to Sweden. So my buddy from Colorado came with me and we did Sweden for four or five days and then we went to Amsterdam for five days. Met up with DJ Lou from the Bonfire, saw Pearl Jam at the arena and then went to Iceland for five days.
- [31:53]
A
Get out of here.
- [31:54]
B
Iceland was. Reykjavik was.
- [31:55]
A
And then we saw Sugar Ray at Iceland. Reykjavik at the Blue Lagoon.
- [31:59]
B
We worked with Whitest and Lamest.
- [32:02]
A
We were going downhill from here.
- [32:03]
B
And then we did who Does Steal My Sunshine? I was trying to think Len. And then we went and saw Len in Iceland.
- [32:09]
A
Len was there and they had Fastball playing and opening up for them with
- [32:12]
B
the car on the banks last Monday morning. We're like, this is the best trip ever.
- [32:17]
A
No, it's not.
- [32:19]
B
Reykov was the though.
- [32:21]
A
Really?
- [32:21]
B
And we went there during World Cup 2018.
- [32:24]
A
Wow.
- [32:25]
B
And Iceland tied with Argentina. Oh. And it was like that island. You don't realize there's not 100,000 people.
- [32:32]
A
The population is amazingly low.
- [32:34]
B
Yeah. It's.
- [32:35]
A
Iceland can be conquered with the guns.
- [32:37]
B
That. There it is. We found it.
- [32:38]
A
Yeah, that's Iceland.
- [32:39]
B
But again.
- [32:40]
A
Yeah.
- [32:40]
B
You activate that thing in them Y that sailed to that island thousands of years ago.
- [32:46]
A
Yeah.
- [32:46]
B
And I don't think they need guns. I think they rock smash.
- [32:49]
A
Everyone's getting killed by a woman with a rock. Like a butt naked woman with like
- [32:55]
B
eating your flesh with a weird face pain thing. Where you go, I don't. Is she connected? Is she. She's like connected to nature.
- [33:03]
A
It's the girl from the Knife is playing.
- [33:05]
B
Dude. There was a. We like stayed in an Airbnb and it was like. There was a restaurant under. And they just like didn't care about us in a way that made us go there every day. But they were like, what? Or do you want the fish stew? And you're like, please. It was really good.
- [33:22]
A
Yeah.
- [33:22]
B
And I was like, the fish stew and this. There was one girl there that I was like, come with me to America. Like, she was so hot. I was like, come with me to America. I'll make you a queen. Have you ever been to New York City? It'll be like Crocodile Dundee, but with an Icelandic.
- [33:37]
A
Yes, I would. That would have been a cool look. You come home with like she's got a little bangs and like, whoa. Soda's new chick's crazy.
- [33:43]
B
I go, I think she's related to Bjork. They're all related a little bit.
- [33:47]
A
She's my cousin's cousin's friend.
- [33:49]
B
It is very nice to be here in Queens with you.
- [33:52]
A
Make a cloud your friend.
- [33:53]
B
I don't like the train above me, but I ride it with you.
- [33:58]
A
You hate her in a week. Shut up.
- [34:01]
B
Why do you talk like that?
- [34:02]
A
Oh, God, she was so fucking hot. I hate her.
- [34:04]
B
Everyone says the best pizza in New York is Joe's, but I don't think that's true. No, it's not. Have you ever been to Spomoly Gardens in Brooklyn? I go, everyone I hate.
- [34:16]
A
Shut up, you fucking girl. I like the pandera bread.
- [34:20]
B
I go to Dunkin Donuts, and the Indian ladies ask me if I want a coffee. I laugh at them.
- [34:26]
A
I understand. Orca is so annoying.
- [34:31]
B
My brasser cousins coming to visit, if that's okay.
- [34:35]
A
He's huge and buff.
- [34:36]
B
He's huge. And Buffy lifts me for exercise.
- [34:39]
A
He's taller than you, Mr. Tall Man. And then, Soda, look at your boobs. He does not have boobs. Your boobs are probably.
- [34:46]
B
Do you have a baby on your belly?
- [34:50]
A
God. She does this during sex.
- [34:51]
B
Oh, God. And it makes me come so fast.
- [34:53]
A
She comes ink.
- [34:56]
B
You look.
- [34:56]
A
That looks like a big pen blew up on your dick.
- [34:58]
B
At this point in the water, you would be confused, and I would be
- [35:02]
A
gone two nights to be confused. I'm a big knife fan. All the knife people are gonna be
- [35:09]
B
like, you know, how the does he know that? It was cool. As though. And I would love to go back to Reykjavik.
- [35:14]
A
Yeah, I mean, you should. You could.
- [35:16]
B
I said it to Ari. And then when you say something like that to Ari, it usually becomes a thing.
- [35:21]
A
He's like, all right, we're gonna go.
- [35:22]
B
He'll be like. When I'm like, I don't know. And I'll be like, summer. And you go, yeah. And he's like. And then I guarantee by next summer, he's like, we're gonna do a show in Reykjavik. Yeah, he's awesome for that.
- [35:33]
A
He likes that European tour anywhere in the world. World. Really?
- [35:37]
B
Anywhere in the world. He's as far as my friends. Like, the most ballsiest traveler I know.
- [35:43]
A
Yeah, that's. Traveling to other countries is cool. I like traveling alone to those. But I'm a married guy now, so that. That ship sailed.
- [35:51]
B
If you. Now that you're married and I'm entering the arena soon is the form of Hell no.
- [35:59]
A
Welcome to the hell, dude. You thought it was gonna be funny. I ain't gonna lie of you, pal. It sucks.
- [36:06]
B
You go. It's a non stop battle.
- [36:09]
A
I'm fighting with my wife right now.
- [36:12]
B
She comes down like Tom Cruise.
- [36:14]
A
Ah, right through your window.
- [36:16]
B
She's the couch.
- [36:16]
A
Yeah, she's in the couch.
- [36:18]
B
Becomes armed talking.
- [36:20]
A
She got a tampon string.
- [36:21]
B
She goes, by the way, I've been waiting here for a week. And you're pathetic too, Dan. I got you married a.
- [36:26]
A
She remembers, like one bad thing you
- [36:28]
B
did in your life. Remember that one time you did say thank you for the cookies?
- [36:33]
A
They all knew. They all remembered. You're not allowed there anymore.
- [36:37]
B
Did you ever pitch to your wife that you're going to go somewhere I by yourself and been like, yo, I'm going to go travel.
- [36:43]
A
Yeah, right. That'd be. That'd be like, I might as well walk with into like, where's the most Puerto Rican pitbull breeding part of the world? P Like San Juan Puerto Rican pitbull kennels with stakes wrapped around my. And balls would have a. I would have a better success rate of me walking out of there unscathed and be like, you know what I'm thinking? I really want to go to Ireland. I want to go to Cork island and get up by myself for a week and play golf that I don't even care about playing just so I can get up. And she'd be like,
- [37:14]
B
what is that? Is that's like her going, I'm going to a couple's massage with my ex that I still have sexual chemistry with.
- [37:20]
A
Literally. Remember? Yeah, yeah.
- [37:23]
B
What?
- [37:23]
A
Yeah, the tall one with the. The 12 inch.
- [37:25]
B
Yeah. She goes, remember the one that I use in my phone is. Ouch. Him and I are gonna get rubbed together by hot oil. So.
- [37:33]
A
So you cool with that too? We're gonna do that in our living room.
- [37:36]
B
Yeah, Ireland sure is cool this time of year.
- [37:40]
A
Well, they fly direct out of Providence now.
- [37:43]
B
What do you think is the biggest. Yeah, like, oh, man. And I have a pain in my foot. And you know where I'm gonna go? Zocdoc.com. i'm gonna go to Zocdoc. Oh, I got the app. So I'll just get on the app and find a foot doctor near me because what the hell? How did I injure my foot? Putting it into my jeans. I need to find a test. I need to find a specialist. Listen, and I also don't mean to hipster you, but I've been, I've been a Zoc doc fan. It's cool they sponsor our podcast and I really appreciate that. But I've been a fan of zocdoc for years. Because zocdoc lets you search and compare local in network doctors. They have more than 150,000 providers with 200 plus specialties all across 50 states. Appointments can happen fast, usually into a day or three and you can even score same day appointments. Taking care of your health just got easier. Start here with Zocdoc.com Soder Zocdoc is free to use so your health matters and taking care of yourself shouldn't be complicated. Find and book the right doctor with Zocdoc. Head to Zocdoc.com Soder to get started and check that appointment off your to do list. That's z o c doc.com Soder Perfect Gene Listen, it's summer, okay. Jeans, it's tough. You got to really choose when you want to wear your jeans. You need to really understand that you're going out there in pants and it's going to be real hot. However, if you get the perfect jean now you've got a jean that's not only comfortable, that not only fits great, also breathes well. That's right. This, you can wear these jeans around even in the summer and go, I'm not that hot. There's some jeans out there that are thick. Feel like you're wearing burlap. This comfortable jeans, they stretch, they feel good. You're just on them and you go, you know what? They're not that hot. They're not bunching up in weird places. They just fit perfectly. They look good. It's exactly what you want in a jean. I'm telling you about a lot of jeans. These ones are great for sitting, traveling. People think it's weird that I fly in jeans. Well, you got the perfect jeans. You're flying in some comfortable, comfortable jeans. And right now our listeners get 15 off their first order plus free shipping at the perfectgene.nyc. or you can google the perfect gene and then use coder or you can google the perfect gene and use code soda. 15 for 15 off. So go ahead and check that out. Let's get back to the podcast. A top three Starting a fight intentionally. Things that you could think of that you would.
- [40:30]
A
That's, that's got to be. I mean it's, it's so. Because we just, we just built a house together and I never wanted to cave my wife's skull in more Than every single night that we were building house. And I wanted to stand up on our bed. Like. Like this is what I wanted to do every night. I wanted to stand up on our bed.
- [40:48]
B
Yeah.
- [40:49]
A
Like this. And just drop a cinder block. Just squash her. Just like drop.
- [40:54]
B
Just.
- [40:55]
A
Just let it fall where it wouldn't kill her. It would just be like. Like, like a corner.
- [41:00]
B
Hey babe. I can't see color anymore. I think there's a real problem.
- [41:03]
A
Oh my God. How did the cinder block get in here?
- [41:05]
B
Oh my God. The cinder block fell right through the roof. But also didn't make a move when it came through the ceiling.
- [41:10]
A
The wood framed house that we have. One cinder block is here. That's so crazy.
- [41:14]
B
Were you just watching Dateline back to back to back?
- [41:17]
A
Yeah. Trying to figure out like how to like decompose a body.
- [41:20]
B
These guys. These guys got it all wrong. Yeah. Dude.
- [41:22]
A
You gotta use feeder to pigs. Like the guy from snatch at the end.
- [41:25]
B
Never that. Hence the thing. Greedy as a pig. Do you?
- [41:31]
A
No.
- [41:31]
B
But like when the house was built did it.
- [41:33]
A
It was over immediately. But during it. It would be. It was a. You know what it was? It was decision fatigue.
- [41:38]
B
Sure.
- [41:39]
A
And it was like this. That, that it wasn't her fault. It was truly my fault. I'm a bad communicator.
- [41:45]
B
That's. That's code. Every guy knows how to say that.
- [41:48]
A
Yeah. Communicator.
- [41:49]
B
I'm a bad communicator. That's like AAA where he's like a friend of ours.
- [41:53]
A
Yeah. Yeah.
- [41:54]
B
He was this friend of ours. It's like the mob.
- [41:57]
A
Yeah.
- [41:57]
B
You go, I'm a bad communicator. So just to let you know, you know I'm wanting you.
- [42:01]
A
I'm working on. It's like white knighting for like you don't do.
- [42:03]
B
Yeah.
- [42:04]
A
But it was just decision fatigue and like. But during that time it was like she would just. It would be like anti plan with no plan. And then the fights would. It would just be like hockey fight. Immediate. I would be hockey goon fight every night. And it's.
- [42:20]
B
It's when the house was finished all over. You were like, we got crazy back there.
- [42:25]
A
Yeah, we. That was tough.
- [42:27]
B
It's like we were both at a hungry on a road trip.
- [42:29]
A
Yeah.
- [42:30]
B
Where you start hockey fighting.
- [42:31]
A
Yep.
- [42:31]
B
We'll be like this. And you go, there's a McDonald's. And she's like. Yeah. I say McDonald's. You're. You never give her. How about you give a solution? Yeah, why don't you give a solution? Instead of just asking that there's more problems. She's like, oh, so this is how you want to communicate? And then you're like. And then cut to a third. A half hour later, we were eating Wendy's and you go, the Asiago Bacon Chicken Ranch really is good.
- [42:50]
A
You're right.
- [42:52]
B
Do you mind if I dip my fries in your Frosty? You can do that. And then you're being cute again. Is that what it was? That was like after the house.
- [42:59]
A
Yeah, it was. It was like that time. I've never fought harder. Like, it was. It was the. It's one of those things where, like, it's like liking and then owning a gynecology office.
- [43:09]
B
Sure.
- [43:10]
A
It's like, oh, I really. Wow. Girls are hot. And pussy school.
- [43:13]
B
Yeah.
- [43:13]
A
I think I'm gonna be a gynecologist in the most obese area of the country.
- [43:17]
B
They're all so fucked up.
- [43:19]
A
They're all sweaty, and they smell like a bag of wet mosquitoes.
- [43:23]
B
Stanhope used to have a joke where he was like, Dr. Drew, it's on an old album. I think it's on the album before he turned the gun on himself. But stan Hope's like, Dr. Drew specializes in celebrity addictions. He's like, that's like being a gynecologist that specializes in 19 year old, hairless, stinkless. That's exactly what it is. I love staying home.
- [43:44]
A
That is a good.
- [43:45]
B
That's a.
- [43:45]
A
That's a damn good joke.
- [43:47]
B
But yeah, man, that is building a house.
- [43:49]
A
What is the fight that. You get that. What's the common.
- [43:51]
B
What's the bad communication? And the thing that I do is go the go away without her is. Is the one where I go, like. Like, if I were just gonna be like, yeah, I'm gonna go to LA for a week and stay at McDaniels and I'm gonna go to a Chargers game and probably just hang out. She'd be like, like, what? What the are you talking about? Hey, she's gonna probably stay out there for like over a week. Well, what about. What about the dog? That's when you're like, whoa. I don't know. You probably figure it out. That would just. I think she comes. She's from Boston. She comes swinging at me.
- [44:23]
A
Yeah, yeah. You can hear like bones. Yeah.
- [44:26]
B
She'd be like, she.
- [44:29]
A
She's just. This is what.
- [44:30]
B
She's. Go home.
- [44:31]
A
She would do this. Like. You look over her shoulder, she's googling this. It's just other guys.
- [44:37]
B
Oh, look, other guys.
- [44:38]
A
Oh, cool.
- [44:40]
B
New York New York, specifically between the streets of 15th and 31st.
- [44:45]
A
Near me.
- [44:46]
B
Near me. Near me is the one. There you go.
- [44:48]
A
Ouch.
- [44:49]
B
Oh, ouch. Yeah. I don't know, man. There is what I. Obviously, that's allowed. It's the best. No. Hell, no. I'd kill her. I'd kill them all.
- [44:56]
A
No, I'm saying that. No, no, not that you. Have you been to McDaniel?
- [45:00]
B
No. Out. I. We always go together. It's fun. She likes sports.
- [45:03]
A
She's into sports.
- [45:03]
B
Yeah, she works in sports, so it's, like, great. You. Very fun.
- [45:07]
A
I wanted to talk to you. You're McDaniel's boy?
- [45:09]
B
Yeah.
- [45:10]
A
He's a Chargers guy now.
- [45:11]
B
Yeah, he's offensive coordinator of the Chargers.
- [45:12]
A
The quarterback in my high school is Liam Cohen from the Jacksonville Jaguars. Head coach.
- [45:18]
B
Oh, hell, yeah.
- [45:19]
A
Yeah.
- [45:19]
B
Duvall? Yeah. You went to high school with him?
- [45:23]
A
He's my high school quarterback. No way, dude. He's the. He's the guy.
- [45:27]
B
He was great last year. Last season, they did very good last.
- [45:29]
A
That kid is a wrong bet.
- [45:32]
B
Introductory press conference I've ever seen in my life.
- [45:34]
A
Media training needed. You know, he. Yeah.
- [45:37]
B
And please find the clip and edit it in. When he got announced as the head coach of the Jaguars, obviously they have a chant there of, do. Do.
- [45:46]
A
They cooked his ass for that.
- [45:47]
B
Yeah. You could hear it in the stadium. If you watch the games and you're
- [45:50]
A
listening now, it's like a thing. Then they. Then watch me win.
- [45:53]
B
Yeah, he really did. He went like, Duvall. And everyone was like, nope. And then this turned that team around.
- [46:02]
A
You don't, like, 14 wins once. You suck my fucking cock.
- [46:05]
B
How about I get. How about I put 14 on you?
- [46:08]
A
You know, with this fucking ragtag team from. Who gives a fuck, Florida.
- [46:12]
B
I mean, Trevor Lawrence was like, thank God this nerd panned out.
- [46:15]
A
Yeah.
- [46:16]
B
Do you know who else had a bad introductory press conference from this season and was the head coach? I'm with Sean Murphy this weekend, and he's a Bills fan, but the Bills head coach, he was on, like, Pat McAfee or he was on, like, a show, and he was, like, talking about being the head coach, and he went, honestly, bro, I just can't wait till we're, like, playing 7v7. And, you know. Or he's like, we're doing team scrimmage, and our defense picks our offense, and I can't wait to just go talk to our offense. And everyone's like, like, what? And he was like, it's gonna be sick. It just. It is it's, it's. It was a cringe moment where I've been like that. So I was able to identify that where you're trying to be something you're not.
- [46:59]
A
Like. He's like, I want to be like these Pat McAfee bro guys. Yes. I'm going to be like, quick, say something. A barstool guy would say.
- [47:06]
B
It's. It's the same as watching Zuckerberg lock up. When Rogan asked him what kind of bow and arrow he uses.
- [47:14]
A
Yeah.
- [47:14]
B
Which is the. One of the greatest clips of all time.
- [47:15]
A
What did I say?
- [47:16]
B
He's like, well, you know, I've been really enjoying bow hunting lately. And Rogan goes, yeah, it's cool. What kind of bow do you use? And Zuckerberg's like, I. I. And then like, Rogan's like trying to help him and he's like, oh, it doesn't matter, man. He goes, yeah, it's just really good. And then it's. And he's like, so you don't know like what kind of brand it is? Is. He's like, no, it's just one of those moments where you're like, how is this one of the richest guys?
- [47:46]
A
Like, what a nerd.
- [47:47]
B
He's a nerd.
- [47:48]
A
I don't know. They set the arrows up for me. Just please help get me out of this conversation.
- [47:52]
B
I don't like when my feet touch the actual ground. I don't believe in grounding at all. That's what sucks is we let too like the. That you talk about. About being like 9 to 12 years old, collecting money on Saturday mornings. Did you go to flea markets a lot?
- [48:09]
A
A ton of flea markets.
- [48:10]
B
A kid that went to a flea market, I can identify it. Yeah. That's how you're so good at picking
- [48:13]
A
out all this stuff. Got here.
- [48:15]
B
Yeah. 100.
- [48:16]
A
What's the piece. What's the piece of the resistance on here?
- [48:18]
B
I mean, this is incredible. Those are like old school. LGN and the fan sent me to that when we were doing the bonfire. I'd probably say either that or this custom made thing from a fan. It's Queens of the Stone Age art. This guy made it at Alabama. This guy in Huntsville.
- [48:34]
A
It's signed on the bottom. You had to.
- [48:36]
B
Yeah, It's Dan from Dave 3:4. Three of four.
- [48:39]
A
Hell yeah.
- [48:40]
B
And I was. We were supposed to get Josh Homme from Queens of the Stone Age on the podcast. And if it ever does happen, I think I'm gonna give him that. And hopefully Dave doesn't take offense because I think that'd be pretty cool.
- [48:49]
A
He's like, I'll send you another one.
- [48:50]
B
Yeah, but that's what I like is like, oh, the Eureka's castle.
- [48:54]
A
Those were.
- [48:55]
B
Those were Pizza Hut things where that used to sell if you bought Pizza Hut. There were Pizza Hut puppets in the early 90s.
- [49:00]
A
Yeah, I remember. I kind of like. You remember these.
- [49:03]
B
Yeah. So Katie was. I wasn't into it, but Katie was super into it. And then when she did Celebrity Jeopardy, I surprised her by buying the whole set online.
- [49:12]
A
What have you. Have you bought anything crazy?
- [49:14]
B
No.
- [49:15]
A
That's my favorite question to ask. Like, guys who are doing well. I'm like, what? Nothing yet, silly.
- [49:20]
B
No couch. Oh, I mean like stupid money couch. No, dude, everything.
- [49:26]
A
I.
- [49:26]
B
You know what it is, is I'm so afraid of going back to waiting tables.
- [49:29]
A
Y.
- [49:30]
B
That I. The only big, really big purchases I've made are like, for family members that need. Like, that's like my mom. I bought her an H VAC unit. I bought like, I've done stuff to my mom's townhouse. Yeah, that's that stuff. Family members that need money, friends that need money.
- [49:47]
A
Yeah.
- [49:47]
B
But I have it. Nothing, dude.
- [49:49]
A
They will get nothing.
- [49:50]
B
That's good. That's what I should have done.
- [49:52]
A
Not my mom. Your mom can get whatever she wants. But cousin, all my cousins, you get nothing.
- [49:57]
B
So what's funny is my mom's side.
- [49:58]
A
Yeah.
- [49:59]
B
That they do well enough. They're fine.
- [50:01]
A
They don't need.
- [50:01]
B
On dad's side, there's like three of us. Yeah, there's two of us.
- [50:04]
A
They pop out of the woodwork.
- [50:05]
B
She was. No, she's. That's the reason I give her is cuz she was like, dude, I'm just happy we're back in each other's lives. I love you. I miss you. And then you go, what do you need?
- [50:14]
A
I know I better do a little bit of high time right now, baby. She hits you with some keno.
- [50:20]
B
But you know what? Really have. Why don't we go down to the casino? Why don't you take out $5,000 cash
- [50:24]
A
and just sit next to me, Watch me win. And it's just watch me. It's like. It's like Wheel of Fortune. I'm hitting. I do a double time, 3x4x cherries.
- [50:30]
B
I'm not into watches. Y. I'm not into cars because I live in New York City. So you're cool, but I'm saving to. That's probably where my call is going to come into you is when we Buy a house.
- [50:41]
A
Where do you guys want to live?
- [50:42]
B
Probably Dobbs Ferry or like, Terrytown.
- [50:45]
A
Dude, Terrytown is. Who's telling me there's some really cool. Andy Haynes will move to Terrytown.
- [50:51]
B
Did he?
- [50:51]
A
Yeah, yeah.
- [50:52]
B
Really?
- [50:52]
A
And like, Andy Haynes is so funny. I'm like, you would move to Tarrytown? Like, I love with him. He's like.
- [50:57]
B
He is like the whitest guy, one of the whitest people I know.
- [50:59]
A
Terry Town sounds like somewhere where you can only skip or you get a ticket if you don't.
- [51:04]
B
Well, hold on now. Yeah, you know, it's Tuesdays and smiles are mandatory. I gotta write you a ticket. Oh, how much is the ticket for?
- [51:11]
A
It's for a hug cucumber sandwich and
- [51:16]
B
a happy Terry Tank day to you. Yeah, there are, like, pretty shady parts. I've been up there.
- [51:21]
A
Really?
- [51:22]
B
Yeah, it's like, nice, but there are
- [51:23]
A
some parts selling some backdoor violins and stuff like that.
- [51:25]
B
Yeah. Powdered wigs. I think you snuck into this choir reception and you go, I did, clearly.
- [51:32]
A
I filled out the forms. I talked to Claire and Eunice.
- [51:36]
B
But Dobbs, I want something on the Hudson.
- [51:39]
A
Yeah, yeah, no, great.
- [51:40]
B
I want to get a good house on the Hudson, like near the Hudson.
- [51:42]
A
I was there, literally Monday. Last Thursday, I went to Deer Mountain Inn and had a meal that blew my socks out. Eating butter with. Oh, my God, the Deer Mountain Inn is so underrated. It's in Hunter, New York.
- [51:55]
B
Okay.
- [51:56]
A
And it's in the mountains. And then we stayed in Wyndham Resort in the Wilder. The Wilder Hotel. Great. And I. I go the Hudson for the Antiques Trail.
- [52:04]
B
Yeah.
- [52:05]
A
Rhinebeck to Hudson, all the way up to.
- [52:08]
B
Should we go up to the Catskills? We go up to, like, Phoenicia.
- [52:10]
A
Phoenicia, yeah.
- [52:11]
B
Like. Like a little bit outside of Phoenicia and like over in that area.
- [52:14]
A
Have you been to Saratoga Springs?
- [52:16]
B
Yeah, it's.
- [52:17]
A
That's like a. It's the second drunken city in America. I didn't know that because I was sitting there behind.
- [52:21]
B
What?
- [52:21]
A
Key West, Wisconsin. The. I think it's. I think it's. I think it's Madison maybe, or.
- [52:27]
B
That makes sense. Madison. They have not been to Madison yet. I only went to one of the best cities in the country.
- [52:32]
A
I can believe it.
- [52:33]
B
Madison rules. I love every time I go through the comedy club there. Comedy on State's fantastic. But. But it's just a cool ass town.
- [52:41]
A
What's your favorite town in America? That's like a Madison or what's your favorite? Like, they Party hard, they rip.
- [52:48]
B
Madison might be it.
- [52:49]
A
Yeah.
- [52:50]
B
You know what it was back in the day? It used to be Austin, like, in 0809.
- [52:54]
A
Oh, wow.
- [52:54]
B
Austin used to be real fun. Used to be really, like, hippie. Ish.
- [52:57]
A
Yeah.
- [52:57]
B
Which was kind of fun. I love Eugene, Oregon.
- [53:02]
A
Wow.
- [53:03]
B
Eugene, Oregon was this.
- [53:04]
A
I'm doing it in the fall. Eugene is. It's so pretty. It's like I. I get genuinely.
- [53:09]
B
It's first place I went to that I go. I might run away here.
- [53:12]
A
I would rim sloth to have a house there. Yeah.
- [53:14]
B
He's like, feels good, baby.
- [53:18]
A
More. I didn't think I'd like this. Kind of not my way.
- [53:24]
B
You're done. And he goes, you know it's just an act. Right. I put on the Superman shirt and I pretend. Yeah,
- [53:32]
A
Gainesville.
- [53:32]
B
But Eugene, I was like, we did the show there, and I was there for an extra day before I went down to the Bay Area. And I was like, I could really. And everything was affordable. Now money's not a problem.
- [53:46]
A
Yeah.
- [53:47]
B
I would live in Marin County.
- [53:48]
A
Oh, you like.
- [53:49]
B
I would live in Mill Valley, specifically. Mill Valley.
- [53:52]
A
Oh, like, that's like. Oh, what's it?
- [53:54]
B
We just. I just filmed my special there at the Throckmorton Theater.
- [53:57]
A
Hell, yeah.
- [53:57]
B
And it was awesome.
- [53:59]
A
They like your finance background.
- [54:01]
B
They. Well, it was funny. Is my dad worked at a liquor store down the street from the theater, so I used to be there a bunch when I was a kid. So that's the reason the lady liked us from the theater. She was like. I was like, I used to, you know, stay here when I was a kid. And she was. I was like, my dad worked at the liquor store. And she was like, what liquor store? I was like, dan's liquor store. And she was like, oh, okay. Oh, what years? I was like, 90 to 94. And she was like, oh, well, yeah, come on, I'll show you that. She was like. Immediately. She was so cool after that. Wow.
- [54:28]
A
She puts her hair up in a ponytail. She'll say, starts looking at you.
- [54:30]
B
Remember that? Remember that? Your dad spotted me a fifth. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You got a problem, huh?
- [54:36]
A
It's only eight bucks.
- [54:38]
B
You can keep it. But that. What about you? What's your.
- [54:40]
A
I like the most fun I've had. I. I just had a lot of fun in the Carolinas. Was really wild. Charlotte was pretty good.
- [54:47]
B
I've heard Hilton Head is the.
- [54:49]
A
I haven't been there. I haven't done the coast yet. But I have fun in Pittsburgh.
- [54:52]
B
Pittsburgh.
- [54:53]
A
Pittsburgh rips like, we're in Polish Hill, getting up and, like, you know when you have, like, tattoo guy that looks like a bad version of us? Like, yeah, it's sleeves. And you're like, this guy's gonna be a dick. And he was. He was like, the nicest guy. He's like, hey, man, what can I get you? And I was like, crafts. Craft. And he's like, yeah, I have a pretty good craft pilsner by a local guy. Here you go. I mean, they're three bucks. And I was like, $3 for a beer.
- [55:17]
B
I'll give.
- [55:17]
A
I'll take 30, please.
- [55:18]
B
You know, I love that. I. You find that in Chicago. You find that in Pittsburgh, Sacramento, Sacramento. Sacramento. You can see a guy and be like, this guy's gonna be a problem. He's like, like, hey, what's up, man? I collect Alien vs. Predator comics. And you're like, okay. You're a different guy than I thought you were.
- [55:33]
A
Damn it. I thought you were gonna MMA my ear off.
- [55:35]
B
Yeah.
- [55:36]
A
Yeah. Thank you.
- [55:37]
B
I love that. I love guys that look dangerous, and they're actually, like, super nice sweetie pies. It's like big dogs that are nice, where you're like, yeah. Oh, you don't have to be nice.
- [55:45]
A
A Cane Corso. That's licking me. That's great.
- [55:47]
B
Cane Corso scared the out of me.
- [55:48]
A
Yeah.
- [55:48]
B
They are rottweilers. I. I love rottweilers, but I get tents around them.
- [55:53]
A
Yeah. I mean, there's nothing to not. It's a. It's like being next to an excavator. Like, it's. It's like. It's like having your head next to tank tracks.
- [56:00]
B
Yeah. You know, the second this thing decides that it doesn't like me, we're all. There's nothing any of us can do.
- [56:05]
A
It's gonna rip my lower mandible off.
- [56:08]
B
Speeches where you, like, have a. You have a. Like a. They put a handkerchief in front of where it's gone, and you go, don't trust dogs. Are you. So Pittsburgh's one of your cities?
- [56:21]
A
Pittsburgh? I like the Ohio. I like the Rust Belt. From, like, Buffalo, Pittsburgh, Rochester. Syracuse was kind of fun. There's nothing to eat there, but Albany is really fun. It's late.
- [56:31]
B
I'm gonna be in Albany next week. Are you.
- [56:33]
A
Where are you playing?
- [56:34]
B
Two weeks. Funny bone. Oh, yeah, honey bone, baby.
- [56:36]
A
Yeah. I fucking. That's. I have a good ass. Fucking. I get.
- [56:40]
B
I have to return to the clubs in the mall to dip my sword in the river.
- [56:43]
A
Yeah.
- [56:44]
B
Stand up. That's what you always have to do. You have to go back and forge your iron in the rivers.
- [56:48]
A
I like that. I'm. I'm happy for you to do that. Cool. Yeah.
- [56:52]
B
I'm gonna walk by a zoomies. And as my blade gathers strength.
- [56:57]
A
Strength and I forge made of new tungsten steel.
- [57:01]
B
Yeah, that's it. Those are the forges. Yeah. The malls are forges where you make your blade sharp.
- [57:06]
A
And they're. They're like. They have like that same like ruthless sentiment of like the Troy. New York is a similar.
- [57:11]
B
Troy.
- [57:12]
A
Albany is very similar to like, like, you know, Milltown. Like I call it like white mill trash. Like just mill.
- [57:18]
B
Yeah.
- [57:19]
A
And like they're great. Those are the great people. Everybody gets along. There's really no. Like, everybody seems tough, but they're super sweet.
- [57:24]
B
I feel like that was. That's the thing that could fix this country is you just killed off a couple billionaires and took their money and flooded those areas with insurance and like, you know, stuff. Stuff that they need like a factory to build stuff.
- [57:40]
A
Give them loans, let them figure it out. Be like, here's the deal. We're going to do zero percent. Hey, do you have a tattoo on your girlfriend Girlfriend's back of a. Of a dream catcher of your kid's footprint. How's a zero percent loan sound?
- [57:50]
B
Guess what that gets you. Zero percent loan.
- [57:53]
A
How's that? Hey, you fixing your boy's car in your driveway? Good news, dude. How's 135000 at zero percent for 30 years sound.
- [57:59]
B
Roll a cigarette off six butts you just found on the ground. Congratulations. Zero percent.
- [58:03]
A
You go, Corey.
- [58:06]
B
This is sick, dude.
- [58:08]
A
Are you kidding me right now? Yeah, honestly.
- [58:10]
B
There's gonna be a guy. It all turns back into Stevo. Everything turns back into Steve.
- [58:14]
A
Sobriety. I'm going, what's up?
- [58:16]
B
I'm Steve O. And this is small business loan coming from. That's his thing.
- [58:22]
A
I'm gonna.
- [58:23]
B
I'm gonna try to go get pre approved at this bank. It.
- [58:26]
A
We don't even need pre approvals. It's chill as this billionaire is giving us money. Hell yeah. I can open up my garage, put a lift in it.
- [58:32]
B
But Bezos and Elon and all them could make so many people people. They're like undying like, oh yeah, just die hard fans. If they just went like, yeah, $4 billion. Hey, Rust Belt, things are better.
- [58:46]
A
I'm coming your way.
- [58:47]
B
I'm coming your way. Or Bezos is like, my sexy lizard lady has told me that you guys need money. I've brought it for you. He's a guy that's so on steroids. That's like.
- [58:58]
A
Yeah.
- [58:58]
B
Remember the first? I don't know if you were ever friends with nerds, but there's, like, a moment in a nerd's life where they, like, kind of get out of it for a little bit. If you were friends with nerds in high school, I had, like, my friends, but I was friends with a couple nerds, and a couple of them joined the military, and then they got in shape. It was right after 9, 11. So they got some pussy, and then they got pussy, and you saw them go, like, I need now. So they, like, almost evolve into, like, different things. It seems like that the, like, the pokey, the ultimate Pokemon version of that was Bezos.
- [59:30]
A
Yeah.
- [59:31]
B
He left his wife, Mackenzie, who was, like, the one that built it all with him.
- [59:34]
A
Yep.
- [59:34]
B
And then he just went and got a sex pot. And then now he's just like. Now he's got hot dog neck from the steroids.
- [59:40]
A
Yep.
- [59:41]
B
And he's just like.
- [59:42]
A
He had his first trap and, like, did you make a girl? Did you hear an organic orgasm come out of a woman? And it, like, snapped his brain.
- [59:50]
B
That's what it is.
- [59:50]
A
Oh, God, I'm gonna. And he was like, that's what that feels like.
- [59:55]
B
I need protein. I need. Needed sets that are low, high rep, low weight for. I need to get cut. That's what it seems like.
- [60:03]
A
He's going through sucks because Mackenzie. What's her last name?
- [60:08]
B
I think Bezos, though, right? Something like that.
- [60:11]
A
She's so my. Like, I like women. I love. I love women that are like. Your breath smells like fruit.
- [60:21]
B
You know, like, mildly stank.
- [60:23]
A
Can you not right now? Your breath smells like fruit.
- [60:25]
B
Yeah. Is her name.
- [60:27]
A
She's giving away billions. She has no idea how philanthropy works.
- [60:31]
B
She's just dumping it, but at least someone's doing it.
- [60:34]
A
What did you find out?
- [60:35]
B
I don't know.
- [60:36]
A
What did she find out?
- [60:37]
B
That she went, I'm gonna burn it all.
- [60:38]
A
I don't care.
- [60:39]
B
But she is just giving it away. All of it away. Which I'm not angry at.
- [60:43]
A
Go to give it out and go, Mackenzie, if you're listening, and you are
- [60:46]
B
Mackenzie, go extreme girl.
- [60:49]
A
My dream girl, who you look like my wife when we met. Real talk. Look it up. It's not even that hard. It's not even a departure.
- [60:56]
B
Connect the dots.
- [60:57]
A
All right.
- [60:57]
B
Her name is.
- [60:58]
A
My wife's name is Jessica Quinn. Your name is Mackenzie Scott. It's like the same goddamn thing.
- [61:03]
B
It's like, we're pretty much married.
- [61:05]
A
Yeah. Like, you guys would get along. You guys could tell me that. I. I have like, the morning sweat smell. You. You need to take a shower before we leave.
- [61:12]
B
I just want you to know you stink a little bit. By the way, can I tell you that it's like earthiness in a wine. That every good wine's gonna have some earthiness.
- [61:21]
A
Yeah.
- [61:22]
B
If you want a wife, have a little bitchiness because it's grounded. It's grounding in a way. Katie will go like this. There's a stain in the middle of your shirt. What are you doing? I was going to do sets last night, and I was just wearing a black T shirt. She goes, you have a bunch of stains in the middle of your shirt. But she didn't say it in like a way of like, hey, buddy. She goes, there's stains on your shirt. And I went. But I would have gone out and just look like a sloppy idiot.
- [61:47]
A
Y.
- [61:48]
B
You need a little.
- [61:49]
A
I love a wife. I'm sorry. Pardon my friends.
- [61:53]
B
I won't even apologize for it. It makes it move for me.
- [61:57]
A
It's. I. I've sold Acuras and Mercedes my whole life, so that's always. The wife of a pragmatic male is like this guy who's like, kind of a button up defeated. And it's like, you know, all these, like, alpha guys are like. Like, I can't like doormat chicks. The guys who marry doormat chicks make terrible decisions in the car dealership. The guys.
- [62:15]
B
And that's something that you have experience on.
- [62:16]
A
You see it.
- [62:17]
B
You have, like, empirical data on that.
- [62:18]
A
I got 350 cars a year for three years. I see like, the guy with. The guy with, like, knee pad. I was like, whatever he wants. It's like, if I have my beach house, it's like, whatever. It doesn't even matter. And it's like he comes in and makes like, I want a GT in lizard green. And do you have a of lot lava red seats? And I'm like, why? Like, why do you even want to
- [62:37]
B
look like a tongue of a lizard?
- [62:38]
A
Yeah, it's sick, right? I'm like, you run a fence business. You're like a psychopath.
- [62:43]
B
He goes, dude, I'm actually getting fence done in old English across my back down here.
- [62:49]
A
All freehand. This guy. This guy Dustin. I know all freehand.
- [62:53]
B
Those guys are the ones online that are like, yeah, he listens to his stupid wife. This guy's a idiot.
- [62:59]
A
That'll be the day. Hey, Donnie, go Outside. And he gives me like a look like he's bought. I'm like. I'm like, oh, that's not. That's not a flexible.
- [63:04]
B
So you really would see that.
- [63:05]
A
Oh, I hate that. I like the one that's like, we already looked at it online and we found it up at Mercedes Benz of Boston, but they have the one that doesn't have the Captain seats. We actually need the Captain seats. I'm like, I have the one with captain seats, but it's not in the white you want. I only have it in the green. But honestly, I wouldn't recommend trusting a car salesman. But the forest green is a dope car. And Mercedes people like those, like those,
- [63:22]
B
those jewel tone colors sold me on this fictitious car.
- [63:26]
A
He makes like, a really good point because the green is actually the second color we picked. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [63:32]
B
And that's what you need. But that's what you need.
- [63:34]
A
She's hot. She makes good choices. She smells good. She takes a shower. Yes.
- [63:38]
B
This is what, this is the end of the manosphere.
- [63:41]
A
Yeah.
- [63:41]
B
Because the manosphere is just broken in the way of. You guys all want dumb. That's not your life up. It's cool while you're dating and you're young, right? And when you still want to go out with your boys or you still want to take trips alone, but then you meet someone that you genuinely get along with, that you fucking enjoy life with. And sometimes it comes to you just like, sometimes ladies marry a dumbass. Sometimes we do dumb shit.
- [64:05]
A
Yeah.
- [64:05]
B
And you just. If you marry a dumbass, guess what? A dumbass is gonna be happy and loyal.
- [64:11]
A
Right?
- [64:11]
B
And he's gonna go, oh, I don't even know. I fucked that up. You know how many times Katie hears that from here? I go, oh, I don't even know I fucked that up.
- [64:17]
A
She's inside her own head. She's like. She can't say that a lot. She's to catch herself because she's so happy at what you just did. So stupid.
- [64:24]
B
Yes. When I, When I communicate, like, I go, oh, my bad. Because I. I actually made a mistake and I didn't even, like, think that out. She'll go like, yeah, you see it? You see her go like, yeah. And it's so. Dude, I'm not joking, man. It's so crazy. If you just like. Because the guys, I think what they're teaching, like, a lot. This is the, like, the thing we were talking about originally, which is like, young men need to be taught things.
- [64:51]
A
Yeah.
- [64:51]
B
And what's happened in this late stage of capitalism is that companies have taken advantage of that for decades now, where they're acting like, like, you know, you looked at the publishers of like Maxim and FHM and all that, they had that. And now it's like transmorphed into this podcasting world and then the manosphere. And you're like, it's all a manipulation of the same thing, which is they're trying to sell you something. Yeah, real life isn't like that. But you're talking about sitting there collecting people's debt, watching your dad buy an illegal gun. Me watching my dad roll his eyes at the bums coming in at the liquor store at six in the morning even though he's a bum. It's like, it's fucking crazy. You go like, oh, this is what real life is. It's nuanced. You don't want a woman in my head. I would probably even at the ripe old age of 43, be like, oh, a giant tittied slut who just says yes to everything. Sounds awesome. For a day, for an hour and a half, until you get that 3.5amount, ounces of liquid out of your body. I don't know how much come.
- [65:51]
A
3.5 ounces. Let's see. This is.
- [65:56]
B
Yeah, let's find this out. Is this almost empty?
- [65:59]
A
Yeah, it's about an ounce and a half. That's an ounce and a half.
- [66:02]
B
That's that right there.
- [66:04]
A
You come that much, I'd. I'd give you 100 bucks.
- [66:06]
B
There's no way I come that much.
- [66:07]
A
No, no, no. Let me see. Huh? Ounce and a half.
- [66:14]
B
But I'm saying like, you think you want that shit, but you have like boots on the ground data that you,
- [66:20]
A
you don't want that.
- [66:21]
B
You've sold cars to successful men that have wives that are a little bit. And they makes their lives. That's why they're successful.
- [66:29]
A
They have a boat, they have a this, they're like this. Listen, I remember I had two instances but like, here's what's gonna happen. Do you like oysters? Do you like oysters?
- [66:37]
B
Yeah.
- [66:38]
A
Great. Do you like oysters? Night. Okay.
- [66:40]
B
If you've given them a shot.
- [66:42]
A
I don't like the way they feel. They taste like snots. That's what big titted bimbo is going to say. Yeah, she going to be, I'll just have, I'll just have like French fries or something.
- [66:48]
B
Yeah.
- [66:48]
A
And you're going to be like, oh, I cuz I, I've dated Like, you know, every. We've all dated a bimbo. But it's like the. At dinner where, like, I'm dating a five year old brain. Like, you're clearly stunted and like, your thong worked for so long, it's not working with me anymore.
- [67:03]
B
And I like being. I like the reverse where we'll be at dinner and I'll be like, I don't like caramelized onions. And then Katie, I'll be like, have you ever had caramelized onions? And I'd be like, yeah, I didn't really like it. She's like, well, it's really good on this steak and you should try it. And then I'll take a bite and I'll be like, I really like caramelized onions. And she's like, yeah. And then you're just like, be a little bit of a dumbass. Yes, let her be a little bit of a. You be a little bit of a dumbass.
- [67:26]
A
It's just. It's gonna win 90 times, you're saying.
- [67:29]
B
The stories of guys coming in dudes
- [67:31]
A
have told me, like, and it's like I. It's just you see them make decisions, like a decision after decision, and it's, it's such a letdown, like calling their wives like rugrat and stuff like that. Or like, just it's, it's like, it's like, it's like, like you think it's cool on the onset and then you realize like, oh, this guy's life sucks.
- [67:47]
B
Like, yeah, respect the person he's spending all of his time with.
- [67:51]
A
Yeah, that's so, it's so weird. It's like guys who call their friends like, and stuff like that, and I'm
- [67:57]
B
like, these idiots I hang out with. You go, you hang out with, with them?
- [68:01]
A
Yeah. You spend a lot of time with them. It's like when I did Kevin Federline's fantasy football, I filmed Kevin Federline's fantasy football team. That's my first job in la. And he took us outside and then like, dumped about all his boys being like, total losers. And I was like, dude, these are like your boys.
- [68:17]
B
Like, wait, so you were filming like a reality tv?
- [68:20]
A
Yeah. He was like, I'm doing a pilot. Ashton Kutcher's in my fantasy football league. And I took my like, film friends and all that, our gear up to his house in Calabasas. And his house was disgusting and it was a dope house. And it was like, he had like cigarette butts in the. It was nuts. They had a beanbag chair in the living room that they put cigarette butts out on. And I'm like, in, like, 50 mountain bikes and grills and, like, things you use once. And then, like, damn air mattresses.
- [68:44]
B
Can I tell you right now, though, that's how good at he was.
- [68:48]
A
Yeah.
- [68:48]
B
That he. His way to that, right? Like, he took Britney Spears and. And the. Out of her. She's like, listen, we broke her. Like, society broke her with all the pressure we put on her as a pop star. But she got broken up with by jt who, like, cheated on her. And then one of her backup dancers
- [69:09]
A
just blew her spine out.
- [69:11]
B
Just put it on her and to the point where she was like, oh, my God, take my money. And now he lives in Calabasas and a house that he probably. Yeah,
- [69:24]
A
yo, my friends are stupid as.
- [69:26]
B
Is that what, Half of a Guy
- [69:27]
A
Fawkes mask on the whole time.
- [69:29]
B
So funny.
- [69:30]
A
I'm like, this. I have to leave.
- [69:31]
B
I gotta talk it through a dirt bike helmet.
- [69:33]
A
Literally.
- [69:34]
B
I'm like, they're idiots.
- [69:36]
A
Yeah. Yeah.
- [69:37]
B
But he just dumped on him. And then. Yeah.
- [69:39]
A
And it kind of. I was like, this. This. This guy's probably dating a knee pad. You know, he doesn't have a girl that's gonna tell him to take a shower because you smell like a lacrosse glove. You smell me? Musty.
- [69:49]
B
Ew. Go away. But it is. And you see those guys, you're like, oh, man. It's. You know, like, when you see celebrities that only have yes men around them.
- [69:57]
A
Yeah.
- [69:57]
B
You go, well, this is inevitable that you're gonna suck.
- [70:00]
A
Yeah.
- [70:00]
B
Because no one's going, shut up, dude.
- [70:02]
A
Yeah, don't do that.
- [70:03]
B
Shut up.
- [70:03]
A
Yeah, I'm your friend. Like, no one's a friend. Like, hey, Dan, I wouldn't buy that.
- [70:06]
B
Like, I bombed last night at the Cellar. Like, I had a bad set. Like, a bad set with jokes that are on my special and everything. No excuse. Besides, I was. I was flat. And I just didn't connect with the audience.
- [70:17]
A
Wow.
- [70:17]
B
And I was there all night. I had good shows. I was a little cocky. Went in and got ear holed by that audience.
- [70:24]
A
No.
- [70:24]
B
Put on the dirt. But I left and I came home and Katie's like, how to go? I went, I bombed on my last show. And she goes, yeah. You always say that's, like, good, though, right? And I went, yeah, yeah.
- [70:36]
A
You're doing the Leonardo DiCaprio meme crying. You're like, yeah, yeah.
- [70:40]
B
I go, yeah, yeah. But it. But I like, dude, I woke up this morning and she was Getting ready for work, and I just rolled over. I go, remember when I bombed last night? And she goes, no, I wasn't there. And I went, yeah, I'm holding on to it. But you, like, you can't. But it is like versus comics that I only see have good sets. And you go, well, I don't think you're growing at all. You have to have. You have to mix some in.
- [71:03]
A
Yeah, you gotta have. You gotta have the strife and be down in it. I think the people living in La La land too long. The one I was gonna say was the guy. There was this guy that told me me in earnest. I remember he was like the coolest guy on the phone. I was like, man, this guy's like, well, he's a Canadian businessman. I sold him an Acura over the phone. He couldn't get him. It was like an Acura tech. And he. I was like, wow, this guy's cool. He kind of picked up that. I was, like, with it as like, a younger kid. And he was sure, you seem like a pretty straightforward guy. You shoot straight, blah. I was like, look, man, I'll give you 800 bucks off you can't get him. Blah, blah, blah. Shows up from Canada, buys the car, bought a house in Boston. Tech guy. And he goes. He goes, look, man, I'm gonna be honest. Shows up with his wife, who's. Who's one of the ones that we like. And he looks at me in honesty. He goes, nick, I want to tell you something serious. Like, she's go over there. He's like, don't ever get mad married. I'm dead serious. And I'm like, what? He's like, I'm not me. I'm being. Listen to me. He's like, you seem cool. You're 20. How old are you? He goes, what are you, 34? I was like, I'm 23. Jesus Christ.
- [71:51]
B
You've lived a tough time.
- [71:51]
A
23. I have a full head of hair. I choose to shave it. So he's like, as a guy, listen, man, don't ever get married. Then outside, I'm showing him the car. Put your hand out like you're showing the radio. He's like. I was like, ah, bro, that's why you were telling me no get married.
- [72:10]
B
Oh, you were trying to save me for yourself.
- [72:12]
A
You were trying to suck me, weren't you? That's gotta be.
- [72:14]
B
Dude, that's gotta be the worst.
- [72:16]
A
Where you go, no, I did say literally like that. I was like this. No.
- [72:21]
B
And he goes, what? What are you doing? You're gay.
- [72:23]
A
He literally. He literally said to his own hand, he was like, sorry, I get a little weird sometimes.
- [72:27]
B
Yeah.
- [72:28]
A
And I was like, jesus Christ.
- [72:30]
B
That's always the worst is when you think you like somebody and then they do something where you go, fuck, man. There's so many of that in society.
- [72:37]
A
Damn.
- [72:38]
B
Where you go, I like this guy and he does it this dumb.
- [72:41]
A
He wanted to kiss me.
- [72:42]
B
Yeah. Dude, that's crazy. Is that the only time that's happened?
- [72:45]
A
Yeah.
- [72:46]
B
That's got to be wild, cuz that's the thing where you go. Did it like up your rhythm for like.
- [72:51]
A
I mean, I was. It was like the delivery. Like, we signed the papers. I'm going over the car, showing him how to like, use the radio, and I'm pairing his phone for him and he's sitting in the driver's seat.
- [72:58]
B
I'm just. You.
- [72:59]
A
You work from left to right. And I'm like on the radio part and he's like this. And just right over the.
- [73:02]
B
I was like, yo, yo. Damn it, pull it away.
- [73:07]
A
I'm definitely getting married to a girl that's a lot like your wife.
- [73:10]
B
I like your wife. I'll marry her. Does she know? Is this an arrangement? It's just one of those arrangements.
- [73:17]
A
Is this like a.
- [73:18]
B
What are you, a lavender marriage?
- [73:20]
A
Yeah.
- [73:21]
B
Get out of my face.
- [73:22]
A
Oh, eight. Oh, nine.
- [73:24]
B
There's so. But there are so many closeted gay dudes that you go like, I bet if you just dudes your life. If, like, society would be better. There's too much better off pent up gay guys.
- [73:36]
A
Yeah.
- [73:37]
B
If we just let them all loose. Where. If they like. If there was like. You know how they're saying that GLP1s curb addiction? They're saying there's like some evidence that addictive behavior is curbed through GLP1s.
- [73:51]
A
I think so.
- [73:52]
B
If another thing of GLP1s was like, you come out of the closet and just be yourself. I think that would benefit more than having skinny people. People. I think it would just benefit having people be like, I'm in love with my coworker and he's a man. And then you go, all right. And then you're out and there's no judgment and you're just. It's just clean.
- [74:11]
A
No bad relationships. Just taking a nice, innocent girl off the floor for someone else that could, you know.
- [74:16]
B
Dude, that's. That was one of the most angry I've ever been in my life. I. I did a gig and I won't say where But I did a one nighter.
- [74:22]
A
This is Fire Island.
- [74:23]
B
Yeah, I wish. It was like 15 years ago, and I go out. It was like one of the first gigs where I, like, got flown out for, like, pretty good money. And it was a part of a. Like a festival thing. And so they fly me out and I was like, with the first night headliner because I was. It was like Wednesday night show, and they're like, great. And then they took me out to dinner Tuesday night, and the lady who hired me and her husband were there, and they were like, oh, we're gonna meet up with my sister. And her husband and her sister came in. And when I tell you she was naturally the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life. Life. To the point that I was like. She was like, school teacher, sweet, beautiful, giant tits. So funny, like, sarcastic. You're, like, talking to her, and she's like, here's my husband. And this walked in. It was like, so nice to meet you. How are you? And I was just. The whole dinner just going like, yeah. Like, he would say something, I'd be like, huh? Like, I want to. Wanted to pull him aside and be like, I was so lonely at the time that I was like, this is it. This is the woman I'm supposed to spend my life with.
- [75:25]
A
Hey, man, come here. Can I try her?
- [75:27]
B
Can I give her a whirl around
- [75:28]
A
the Ferris wheel, man? Take a ride on the soda Express, baby.
- [75:31]
B
I make you feel so good. But he really was like. I mean, we just. We just met and it clicked. And I was just like, where'd you guys meet? And she. And he was like, at church. And that's when I was like, so it is. It is. You are locked behind a cage because of your family, got you into this Christian thing. And she was super Christian. And so they were in this marriage. But you're like, you don't understand what
- [75:58]
A
I could do to her. And he's like, could you? Because I have this 15 inch log.
- [76:01]
B
Yeah. Oh, sorry. It actually stays plump.
- [76:05]
A
He has an arm in his pants. He's like, oh, never mind. Scratch all my thoughts.
- [76:08]
B
Sorry. All right, never mind. I bet I could just make her giggle a lot.
- [76:11]
A
Yeah.
- [76:12]
B
He goes, you know what's crazy about that? No matter who it is, it gets hard for it. Oh, my God. Oh, I'm not gay. I'm bisexual. And you go, oh, you could show her things that I never could.
- [76:22]
A
She's sitting on an ice pack.
- [76:23]
B
Yeah. She goes, oh, he's hollowed me out.
- [76:26]
A
Oh, last night, the car ride here, it's too much.
- [76:29]
B
Insatiable. And the amount of C. It's like 3.5 ounces. I go, 1.5. Did you look up what it was?
- [76:37]
A
It's like.05. Wow. What the hell's a rope then?
- [76:42]
B
How much?
- [76:42]
A
How much ounces in a rope?
- [76:43]
B
Peter north was like, a ounce, and we're like, look at that guy go.
- [76:47]
A
Yeah, Ounce.
- [76:48]
B
Damn, dude. That's wild.
- [76:50]
A
That is a lot.
- [76:51]
B
You're the man. I love that you came by, did the podcast.
- [76:53]
A
Dude, thank you so much for even having me go.
- [76:55]
B
Watch everything Nick does. Scuffed Realtors. Hilarious. His live streams are awesome. Nick's just the man.
- [77:00]
A
Love you, buddy.
- [77:01]
B
Thank you for watching this. It.