65: Rest in Panties with Ari Shaffir | Soder Podcast | EP 63

Summary

Soder Podcast Episode 65: "Rest in Panties" with Ari Shaffir

Release Date: January 20, 2025
Host: Dan Soder
Guest: Ari Shaffir

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Episode Overview

In this hilarious and free-flowing episode, Dan Soder welcomes Ari Shaffir for a classic Soder pod hang: stories of drug-fueled concert adventures, the perils and delights of travel, pro sports obsessive loyalty, and plenty of riffing on expat life and societal norms. Anchored by personal anecdotes—ranging from stealing baseball cards to the magic of a well-timed MDMA trip—the episode pivots fluidly between comedy, philosophy, and nostalgic reminiscence. The result is an immersive, laugh-filled ride through the minds of two of stand-up’s most brutally honest storytellers.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The “Rich Comedians’ Kids” Phenomenon

• Soder and Shaffir muse on the fate of comedians’ kids possibly becoming disconnected or spoiled, parodying future generations boasting about famous parents (00:44).

  “There’s like so many rich comedians that are going to have shitty kids… ‘My grandfather was Shane Gillis.’”
  — Dan Soder (00:28)

• Shaffir shares a tale from a dog park: meeting someone who knew Louis CK’s kids, joking about generational guilt within comedy households.

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2. Yo-Yo Energy and Traveler Archetypes

• Soder accuses Ari of having “yo-yo energy,” sparking a tangent about odd talents, and how in the past Ari would’ve fit as a traveling yo-yo salesman. (02:22)

  “Seventy years ago, you would have been a traveling yo-yo salesman, you know?”
  — Dan Soder (02:41)

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3. The World’s Best (and Worst) Cities for Expat Life

• The pair discuss a “quality of living” expat city ranking list (from an MSN article), suspecting its privileged, Eurocentric bias.

  • Top cities: Zurich, Vienna, Geneva, Copenhagen, Auckland, Amsterdam...
  • Bottom cities: Khartoum, Baghdad, Port-au-Prince, Damascus, Kinshasa.

  “I hate to blow it for you... they’re all white countries. They’re all very white.”
  — Dan Soder (03:54)

• Ari dives deep into Copenhagen's “Christiania”—a legendary anarchist commune—and reflects on the sort of basic, communal decency that feels almost utopian from an American perspective.

  “You can go to anybody's door and go, ‘Can I have a glass of water?’... How would that play in America?”
  — Ari Shaffir (11:05)

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4. World Travel, Kitchen Drunkenness, and Cooks’ Secret Joy

• Digression into the secret lives of kitchen staff in New York: Soder fondly details stories of cooks getting blitzed after closing hours—sharing beer and horny, joyous camaraderie.

  “If you want to see someone sleeping comfortably on the train, you’ll see like a drunk Mexican dude just sitting there… This guy’s locked in.”
  — Dan Soder (09:05)

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5. Legendary Drug and Concert Stories

Bonnaroo Adventures, LCD Soundsystem, and MDMA Positivity

• Soder and Shaffir recount their “legendary” 2015 Bonnaroo trip—secret comedy shows in exchange for RV parking, group dynamics, and the magic of seeing LCD Soundsystem while on pure MDMA.

  “The best drug experience I’ve ever had in my life.”
  — Dan Soder (22:56)

• Soder sets the “rules”: if you’re doing drugs with Ari, let Ari lead. If it’s eating with Tim Dillon, let Tim choose.

• The recurring “rest in panties” motif arises as a joke about what they’d want to be buried wearing.

• Extended riffs on music festival culture, group photos, secret comedy shows, and wild post-show subway rides.

Concert Antics: Brooklyn Steel and Beyond

• Ari details another LCD Soundsystem show in Brooklyn Steel—where a misjudged batch of MDMA (with extra speed) led to a much “speedier” experience than anticipated.

  “It was very, very speedy... That was the most drugged out I’ve ever felt.”
  — Dan Soder (29:31, 31:10)

• Memorable moments include Michelle Wolf’s mushroom revelations and wandering out into the deserted Brooklyn street at sunrise.

• They riff on the artistry of being a great concert companion, including making space for families at shows, and recount a touching story about letting a dad enjoy himself separate from his wife and daughters at a St. Paul and The Broken Bones concert (24:30).

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6. Sports Fandom and Awkward Fan Encounters

• Soder and Shaffir riff on the intensity and territoriality of sports fans—both as actual fans and as comedians dealing with pro athletes.

  “You got a lot of nerve wearing that in here.”
  — Ari Shaffir, quoting a Phillies player who challenged him over a Yankees jersey at a Shane Gillis show (48:41)

• The etiquette (or lack thereof) of approaching celebrities and athletes, especially when run-ins occur during private or stressful moments (47:05).

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7. Stealing a Baseball Card: Ethics and Regret

• In a segment rich with vulnerability and classic comic reflection, Ari confesses to stealing a George Brett rookie card from his friend as a kid, never having returned it, and ponders whether he should make amends (54:27–56:38).

  “I’ve held onto it... It’s in one of the holders, so it's still in mint.”
  — Ari Shaffir (55:35)

• The duo extrapolates on the value of apologies versus keeping old wounds closed—riffing on 12-step program principles.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On “Defund Dougie Penhall” and 21 Jump Street:
  “Doug Penhall fought children as an adult cop. So we made a Defund Penhall shirt.”
  — Dan Soder (05:20)

• On Generosity and Drugs at Concerts:
  “That's the best. Two of the luckiest things I've ever got to do in my life—do drugs with Ari Shaffir and eat a meal with Tim Dillon.”
  — Dan Soder (19:09)

• On MDMA: “Don’t worry about the nerves. MD will get you in the right spot, dude.”
  — Ari Shaffir (21:01)

• On mushroom insights:
  “She’s like, ‘I realized I can do whatever I want... I can host everything.’ Within three weeks, she manifested that.”
  — Dan Soder, about Michelle Wolf (30:03)

• On societal collapse:
  “Everyone needs to start—we need to start fist fights again.”
  — Ari Shaffir (42:55)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Timestamp | Topic/Segment | |------------|------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:28 | Comedians’ kids and generational comedy | | 02:22 | Accusing Ari of “yo-yo energy” | | 03:58 | Expat city rankings: “They’re all white countries” | | 11:05 | Copenhagen’s Christiania: communal living and basic rights | | 14:19–23:22| Legendary Bonnaroo story, MDMA/LCD Soundsystem concert | | 23:40 | “Wall” at St. Paul & The Broken Bones concert | | 28:29–34:33| Brooklyn Steel, speedy MDMA, post-concert mushroom odyssey | | 42:50 | On online activism vs. living in the moment | | 47:05 | Awkward run-in with NFL coach Dan Campbell | | 54:27–56:38| Stealing and holding onto a George Brett rookie card |

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Notable Ari Moments & Running Gags

• Glassman Podcast Editing Gags: Multiple jokes about “making Mike do extra work” during edits, referencing Rick Glassman’s innovative podcast video style (13:08, 27:03).
• MDMA and Mushrooms as “Sherpa” experiences—running theme of trusting the most experienced in your group, both for drugs and food.
• Sport Fan Superstitions: Jersey rituals, rivalry, and the weird logic of sports fan ethics.
• Continual callbacks to episode/segment names for editor to use, i.e., “edit that,” “too speedy,” or “make them work.”

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Tone & Style

Classic Soder & Ari: laid-back, tangential, gleefully irreverent, and confessional. The conversation weaves sharp social observation, in-the-trenches comedy culture, and familiar friend-group antics into rich storytelling, never shying away from poking fun at themselves or their community.

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For New Listeners

This episode is quintessential Soder—personal, meandering, but always honest and deeply funny. In addition to music festival lore and comedy career memories, Soder and Shaffir deliver genuine reflection mixed with relentless banter. If you love stories about the intersection of stand-up, drugs, and real life (and a heavy dose of concert nostalgia), this is an essential listen.

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Transcript

[A]

Guys, got an exciting announcement. Doing some shows in some towns that I've been coming to for years, but now we're doing a little bit bigger venues. So this is a pre sale announcement for May 15th, I will be in Albany, New York. Then May 16th, I'll be in Burlington, Vermont. Tickets are about to go on sale. With the code myrtle, you can get tickets pre announced. These are like, before we've actually put the tickets out. Use the code myrtle to get tickets for May 15th in Albany, May 16th in Burlington, Vermont, and June 6th in Red Bank, New Jersey. Red bank, last time I was there was awesome. We did two shows this time. Coming back a bigger venue. June 6th, then Huntsville, Alabama. I will be at Levity Live February 20th through the 22nd. Am I going to have Brendan Sagala with me? Probably, but that's going to be fun. Shows five shows in Huntsville, Alabama at Levity Live. And don't forget to get your tickets@dan soder.com or punch up. Live dance odor. But don't you ever think about right. Don't you ever think about now with. I've been thinking about this a lot with comedy. There's like so many rich comedians that are going to have shitty kids that are going to have like those kids. They're going to have those kids that are like. My grandfather was Shane Gillis. He, you know, like, I met someone.

[B]

In the dog park who went to high school with Louie's kids.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And. And yeah. And I was like, what? And he goes, you know, we were coming of like this, like, white men are all evil. As her dad was the white man who was evil.

[A]

That's why.

[B]

So it's like that. And I'm also already in. Like, my parents, they don't know shit. And it's like, yeah. So America also agrees with you on this one.

[A]

Yeah. Well, did you see that story?

[B]

Oh, I don't know how you would navigate that.

[A]

There was a story about you can do it. However, the. I'm weird. I was literally walking the dog at this and I'm doing it. Oh, really?

[B]

What do you mean? Like, yo, yo, high level yo, yo.

[A]

I was like, oh.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

I was in the living room busting out tricks for pimp before the podcast started. I go, you might know this one is a little half moon bay.

[B]

It's great when you walk along. I've had them before. People are like, what? Old ladies? Like, where'd you get that?

[A]

Wait, you would. Can I just tell you? Someone's known you for a while. You do have yo, yo energy that you would have a yo yo on you.

[B]

I've been around the world and I.

[A]

Go around the world and you've been like, you can like snap it back.

[B]

Yeah, it's like this, like. Oh hey guys. Doing something. I forgot there was some out there forgetting. Oh, I know my yo yo. There it is. And that's the teaser.

[A]

Everybody.

[B]

Welcome to the episode.

[A]

70 years ago you would have been a traveling yo yo salesman, you know? Well, tell me this, how's it stuck to the floor if it's in my hand?

[B]

Yeah. Now if your power goes out, how's.

[A]

Your TV going to do that? Yeah, dude, I always tried. Just like everything in my life I tried yo yos and I just failed at it and got frustrated. It was like this and then had a. Just a tiny glimpse of a window where I knew how to yo yo and then it left me.

[B]

It's great.

[A]

You go everywhere. I saw an article today about the top 10 cities for expats. In the top was crank on bottom 10. Where the is my phone?

[B]

Hold on, hold on. Let me see if I can get any.

[A]

All right, you want to do top 10 first? Yeah, this is.

[B]

Let me see how many I can get.

[A]

This is the top 10. This is. These are the 10 cities with best quality of living.

[B]

I'm gonna guess for X. When did it come out?

[A]

Today.

[B]

Well then maybe cuenca's off there. Cuenca. Cuenca Ecuador. Because now they're having an uprising.

[A]

Oh well yeah, that probably will do it. Yeah, I think a government uprising will take you off the top.

[B]

There's some city in Mexico I forgot the name of it. Okay, great. I'm so far off to Tbilisi was going to be the last one.

[A]

I guess I'm really going to just tell you this right now. I hate to blow it for you. They're all white countries. They're all very white.

[B]

Tbilisi is all I got.

[A]

They are very white.

[B]

I don't know. What do we got then?

[A]

Number one is Zurich for Switzerland.

[B]

Whoa, whoa, that may be a misunderstanding. You need your dollar to go further, not less far.

[A]

Yeah, but see this is how you.

[B]

Barely getting by guy.

[A]

You go to like live. I remember when we were doing sixth and jump you were like I drank some painter's drink. What was it you got drunk on a guy. You were like in chichi Chichi. Hey, defun penal. Speaking of which, I had to get.

[B]

Real mad at this this teacher the other day.

[A]

Really?

[B]

What's that supposed to mean? Buddy, it's going to take you a while to make you understand it. It's not what you're mad about. It's not. You would agree with me. He's a bad cop.

[A]

We need to find. Yeah, the episode. Yeah, I think it was like season two, episode 16. So you can just say it to him. So you can just go, like, if someone goes. What does that mean? You go. 21 Jump Street Season 2, Episode 6 Defund Doug Penhall.

[B]

Here's my contact info.

[A]

Tell me if I'm wrong.

[B]

Go watch it.

[A]

Fight school kids. He fights them. He's a grown man and he fights.

[B]

Not even kids in the. Like, the. They're not looking at those kids as.

[A]

Jump still up available.

[B]

Someone just said that they've been gone, that they went to the Patreon because we made it for free. And then they were like, these episodes aren't up on the video anymore.

[A]

We'll find it. We'll find it and put it back out. But we watched all the seasons of 21 Jump street throughout the pandemic at Doug Penhall fought children as an adult cop. So we made a defund Pen hall shirt. And I could definitely see someone in New York catching that and being like. Especially because the definite. The. The pro police people are aggressive about asking you, like, if you tell.

[B]

Just break that social code. But yeah, if you let me come at you aggressively.

[A]

If you had a. A pro cop shirt, no liberal would ever push you on it. Yeah, but you having a defund dog has guys going, hey, I lost my brother in 9 11. He's a fucking NYPD. Why are you defunding the cops?

[B]

Was that they're giving the right to punch a fucking. A football player. Yeah, he's just trying to go get on the team.

[A]

Ever been to a Buffalo Wild Wings on a Friday and been drunk? So these are the cities with the best quality of living. And this has nothing to do with money. Okay, but why? What I was saying was, when we were doing six and jump went to Central America and we were doing an episode, he's like, hey, I'm pretty drunk. I drank this stuff out of a boot. It was something like that.

[B]

I think it was chicha or something like that.

[A]

And he's like, some construction worker had it down here. And I'm like, that's how Ari travels. Ari's like getting up, that's like someone coming to New York and getting drunk with one of the Mexican cooks that are outside at 5 in the morning.

[B]

You walk them in the morning, they're like, we're just getting started. We finished there.

[A]

Used to be this place across the street when I worked on 50th and 3rd. It's now like a spa, but it was a. A bodega with a top level with. With like, tables and so you could go get a sandwich and had like a full bar, a food bar. You could go upstairs. But it was also like a deli where you could get stuff. And, dude, the morning shift, I found this out pretty quickly. The morning shift cooks would all buy tall boy Bud Budweisers, and Joe go get hammered at like, 4:30. So when I was done closing lunch, and I would, like, maybe go get a sandwich before I go to the comedy clubs, they would be blackout on this top level. And they'd be like, hey, gringo loco. Hey, Green. I'll be like, hey, guys, I know.

[B]

Enough to know that.

[A]

Miguel, what's going on?

[B]

They're like, miguel Sugal.

[A]

They'd be like, where is Sara? They'd be like, saying they'd be all fucked up. That'd be like. If someone visiting New Ari. Is someone visiting New York? Seeing those cooks drunk and getting drunk with them, dude, that's how you travel.

[B]

The benefit. The real superpower of a Latino immigrant is the ability to get drunk off one tall boy.

[A]

They can just get banged up, but by the way they're drunk is so much more fun.

[B]

It's so much more fun.

[A]

And they're like. They get very horny, which is funny.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, the way that drunk Mexican dudes in the day that just worked in the kitchen, how much they love is like. Like a kid doesn't love Christmas that much. They're just like, oh. They're like, just say names of girls that I was waitressing with. And they'd be like, oh, Alyssa. And you're like, yeah, Roberto. You can see her tomorrow. And then, like, you know, one time, this dude, his name was Francisco, he was a busboy. He, like, had a crush on my friend Sarah. And he was like, she walked away. And he was like, sarah, like that? And I go, that's my sister, dude. Anyway, I'm so sorry. He got so upset about it. And then later in the shift, I was like, I'm with you. She's just my friend. And he was like, don't do that, bro. Yeah, he was gonna do that to me, dude. Those guys were just. He got so upset when I was like, that's my sister, bro. And he was like, oh, but these are. I think these are rich people traveling.

[B]

They also have the ability to pass out face down mid sidewalk yeah, Just like. They don't go like, oh, guys, I'm going to go home.

[A]

If you want to see someone sleeping comfortably on the train, you'll see, like a drunk Mexican dude just sitting there. And you're like, this guy's locked in.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He's like, all the way to Queens. He's like, only time I've seen a person fall that hard asleep was Joe Listen when we were. And then he ended up drinking days. All five boroughs. Nice. He woke up a stop before he was supposed to get off.

[B]

Right before Edinburgh.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Let's hear him.

[A]

So these are the top 10.

[B]

Zurich. Makes sense.

[A]

Vienna, Austria.

[B]

Wow. Yeah. Because if you're an old person, you hate different races.

[A]

This is like, truly, if you are rich and white. Yes.

[B]

I wouldn't even Berlin. It'd be like Munich. Yeah.

[A]

And this is Frog. This is what I mean. This is like msn. This is like an MSN article, which is an msnbc, but it's like, this is just a shitty list. This isn't even like that good of a list. All right, so it goes. Zurich, Vienna, Geneva. Switzerland's two out of the top three.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Copenhagen.

[B]

Love it. Love it there. Best weed in Europe. Sorry, Espana.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Maybe you guys can count. But from white Europe, best weed is.

[A]

Is Copenhagen, Denmark.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Why?

[B]

I forgot who I was talking to. Yeah, he's like, wait, pause. I want to get. Let's talk. They have this place called Christiania. It's a. It's this, like, rebel anarchist town in the heart of Denmark with, like, no laws. They just retook like. Like government. Like army housing. Because they don't use it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So they needed it for a while. Like, why is this going to waste? And it's like all that socialist stuff. Like, we should use this. And the government's like, you're not wrong. And so they went in. Like, you can't have stuff falling apart.

[A]

Got.

[B]

But they have these weird art projects out there. Weed is legal.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

All the fun. Drugs, illegal. I go, what is mushrooms? Go right on the fence. But on this side of the fence. And they have two laws. They have a few laws, right. Of like, just human. Like basic human rights. Which means you can go to anybody's door and go. Can have a glass of water. And you. How do you not give someone a glass of water? So, like, you.

[A]

How would that play in America?

[B]

Not well.

[A]

Not well. I mean, can we get to that point? Yeah, let's try to get back to. Can I get a glass of water?

[B]

I know it seems crazy, but like.

[A]

If you're a normal person, you're like.

[B]

I want a glass of. There's someone's home, right? This should be fine. I just want a glass of water.

[A]

Yeah, and I need a glass of.

[B]

Water free from the taps.

[A]

Oh, going to someone's door. That's the new jackass. I'm trying to go get a glass of water.

[B]

That would be very fun. I have that one and I have this one. When somebody's at a outside, like, eating area and you just. Defense is right there and you're walking by, you go, hey, man, can I get a lighter? And so they do. And you light your cigarette or join whatever, and then just chuck it. And then see if they fight you over a $1 lighter.

[A]

I would assume most of it is. Most of it's the inconvenience of maybe I needed that lighter. But I think at most you get like, come on.

[B]

What the man?

[A]

Yeah. So they have basic human rights. So you get a glass of water.

[B]

And then two major, major rules. No taking pictures and no running high. And they're doing giant pool, somewhat illegal drugs. No eating.

[A]

45 minutes before you come into Copenhagen.

[B]

The 17 year old gets in every 45 minutes you get out.

[A]

That's so funny. Adult, adult Copenhagen. It's everyone. Only adults can be out. So they. They have basic human rights.

[B]

Yeah. No taking pictures. Call that up. See right there? Yeah, you got that. It's really beautiful. They have public art displays. It's awesome. It's awesome.

[A]

Nice. He put in an edit that he knew you were gonna do.

[B]

Let's give him more work. Let's give him more work.

[A]

That was seeing the final product. I already jumped ahead to the editing process. But you like that is the idea that you could just be basically decent to someone. It's hilarious that we are so outside or.

[B]

It is. Dude. I heard this NPR interview during. Can you. Can you do. Can you glass me some glasses on that? Yes, dude.

[A]

Full Rick Glassman. This podcast.

[B]

Full red glasses.

[A]

I need you to.

[B]

I need you, dude, something upscale. Just like glasses.

[A]

Mike's gonna text me and be like, what the was are you doing? I've been up since five in the morning. You know what? We gotta pay for this AI art.

[B]

I've gotta.

[A]

You gotta pay for this AI art.

[B]

What was it saying? Oh, this npr and they were talking about the tsunami in Japan. They were like talking to someone like, do you think this is a testament to how you guys are coming together that everyone's like, they're passing out Food. All the powers out. Like, you guys are very orderly in line and, like, no one's pushing or anything. Like, is this, like, how strong you guys are? Is it? And they're like, I don't understand. Yeah, how. What do you mean? There's a line?

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

Like, well, no, just the way you guys aren't p. Pushing each other and shoving the guys. Like, I don't understand your question.

[A]

I.

[B]

What?

[A]

It is weird because they will. Japan specifically, will inconvenience themselves for the good of the group. If you've ever seen those videos of them getting on the subway and they had those people that push them.

[B]

Oh, I want to. I want to do one of those so bad.

[A]

But here's the thing.

[B]

That's my number one thing. I want to go to Japan for.

[A]

Watch them get pushed because they don't have, like, a Queensborough Plaza energy where you, like, push me and see what happens. Yeah, they have, like a. They just, like, give into it, you know, like, almost like a dead, like, push them and hold them in and.

[B]

Like, Gary Vader and LCD sound system concert.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Dude passed out, but too crowded to fall.

[A]

So he's just like, I think we've brought. I think we might have brought it up on a couple different podcasts, but I don't think we've actually talked about that entire night because I've had my best drug experiences with you, and I've had my worst. And I don't even think LCD sound system was the worst. It doesn't. Definitely wasn't the worst. It was the. It was the most interesting. Yeah, but we. Ari and I did Bonnaroo in 2015, second year.

[B]

It was okay.

[A]

And it sucked. Well, mine sucked.

[B]

Oh, oh, right.

[A]

Mine sucked because I was in a relationship where I kind of just, you know, got bossed around.

[B]

You can't get bossed around.

[A]

That's when I admitted it. It made Jay laugh really hard when that. When that. When we went to go get those pictures taken and the photographer was like, yo, that guy Danny, do you remember that? We took a group photo and he's like, hey, the best way to get this photo is like, you guys all yell something. Just scream something. And Big Jay was sitting next, standing next to me, and I go, do you know what it's like to get bullied by a hot girl for a full weekend? And Jay was like. Because he knew I'd been holding it in the weekend.

[B]

Hey, let's all go to that. That show.

[A]

Okay? I don't know.

[B]

Let's go.

[A]

Jay thought it was funny because she'd be like. And I'd be like, hey, guys, I think we're just gonna stay here.

[B]

It was just this look of like, it sucked.

[A]

What? So it kind of just. It kind of. We're not a group. So the next year, Ari is like, hey, I'm doing these secret shows just to go.

[B]

Just to go in exchange for tickets.

[A]

They're not giving me money and a.

[B]

Place to park an rv, just a place to park it.

[A]

Place. Parking, rv. And you got food, and we got food. You got. Already got food. And Ran Azizi was coming for the Grateful Dead. So I went to the first half, which was LCD sound system the first night. Pearl Jam the second night. And we had, like, Full access. Nate was on the comedy shows. Pete Davidson was on the comedy shows. That's how Eddie Vetter got to the comedy tent. But it was like, yep. Ari and I went down, and it was like, when you go to someone's special taping and you're not taping, that was the energy. We were like, oh, this is zero pressure on me.

[B]

No pressure at all. We had these secret shows that we were, like, telling people about at the festival, just walking by going. People right down on their. On their arm.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. It was Santa's tent. Midnight Tuesday, or not Tuesday, Like, Friday morning. Yeah.

[A]

Me, you, Sean Patton, and Jack Knight.

[B]

Jack Knight, rp.

[A]

But it was rest in panties. Yeah. Crazy. Don't put me in panties when I die, because that is very funny. If you're wearing a lacy bottom under your suit, you go, you know, he's wearing lacy paintings under this. But we went and did that show, and it was LCD sound system. God damn it, dude.

[B]

I.

[A]

If I've. If you've heard me tell this story before, I'm sorry, but being here with.

[B]

Ari, I've never heard it.

[A]

It was one of my favorite nights. Ari went and got pure MDMA from a fan.

[B]

Yeah, that was. That was ruled. He took it out of his wheel well. He liked to open up his spare tire. And then, like, when like this, he goes, I got the drugs. I'm like, damn, dude.

[A]

Those are real drugs. Yeah. And Ari, I had never done Live.

[B]

Nation, just about Bonnaroo, so they were coming down hard on drugs that year.

[A]

Y.

[B]

You got to be careful.

[A]

Yeah. And Ari was like, I'm doing MDMA Friday. And I was like, I've never done mdma. And he was like, this is the MDMA you want to do.

[B]

And that's the place for it.

[A]

Is Bonaru.

[B]

Bonaru.

[A]

LCD sound system. Who honestly, outside of Daft Punk, is playing at my house. I really didn't know a lot.

[B]

Me neither.

[A]

Did not know a lot.

[B]

Me neither.

[A]

Just heard about him from Abrams and we're like, great, we'll do. We'll do MDMA and go see LCD sound system. And Nate was on the show. And Nate was drinking again.

[B]

Let's hang out.

[A]

Do you remember that was wine, Nate. That was when Nate was like, I'm only drinking wine.

[B]

So there was this. There was this tower of wine that was.

[A]

That's what it was called. Yeah, it was called the tower of. You could buy it. And it was four.

[B]

And it was orbs. Yeah, four orbs. There was a good way to do it.

[A]

Four orbs.

[B]

No, the one on the right. No, down.

[A]

No, down.

[B]

Don't put the mask down. Move the mouse. Yeah, yeah, that one.

[A]

That one.

[B]

That one.

[A]

Put that one up.

[B]

That one up.

[A]

So, dude, this is so funny because he's gotta edit it tonight.

[B]

You have to find another picture nearby you. So you gotta edit in me with just like as Abraham Lincoln on the side. They're like, what's that one? Just some weird Simpsons. Like Easter Egg Hari and Dan making out on the side.

[A]

No, no, not that one. Move, move. It's us in a painting. They. But I remember Ari was like, all right, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna take one pill right now.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then we'll go into the show and we'll take a second pill. And he like, you know, and listen, you're doing drugs with Ari show. LCD sounds okay.

[B]

Not the stand up show. Yeah.

[A]

Here's the rule. This is the two of the luckiest things I've ever got to do in my life is do drugs with Ari Shafir and eat a meal with Tim Dillon. And they both share. It's. It's both the same rule. Let them lead. If you're doing drugs, you ar's been there before. If you meet Tim in Boston at a seafood place, you let him call the shots. Yeah, yeah, he's gonna. And he did. We walk. Katie and I walked in. He was like, sat down for a second. He's like, I already ordered a seafood tower. And then I came in with like a four stacks. It was wild.

[B]

Okay, nice.

[A]

But Ari's like, take this now and then in a little. And Rachel Feinstein was there, I think. I think Rachel might have been there. I remember talking to her. But I take the pill and I see Nate and Nate's like with Laura and he's like, I'm drinking wine, but don't worry, it's just wine.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And he had been sober. He had. We're, you know, we were drinking buddies. He quit, I quit. He kind of came back for a little.

[B]

He come back, he'd be like, just when I'm on the road. Yeah.

[A]

Not at home.

[B]

So he lasted as much as it lasted with me with just cigarettes in Europe. Like a day later, I'm like, God, I want to fucking cigarette.

[A]

So I, we see him, he's got a tower. And he takes two of them down, right?

[B]

Two of them. And it's like, oh, no, Nate. These are for sharing. They're for, they pull off. They're for like group party.

[A]

Yeah. It's for a wine. Yeah.

[B]

Can I tell you one of the earliest jokes I remember and it fits here is I did an open mic, note mic a show at John X's room. Used to run the DC Improv. Opened his own room. And this guy who had it open for me, he goes, was like a group of like middle aged women. There was like a. It was like a Chardonnay of women.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

That's fun.

[A]

Yeah, that's fun.

[B]

This is for a Chardonnay of people.

[A]

That's a fun, that's a fun joke.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

For a Chardonnay of women. Yeah.

[B]

He.

[A]

So he had two and I, I was nervous because I'd never done mdma.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I took it and we, we walk in. Samantha, our buddy MDMA will take you. What's that?

[B]

Don't worry about the nerves. MD will get you in the right spot, dude.

[A]

But that's what it was. So we sit down and they put us near the sound booth. But there was these like platforms you could step on to see over the crowd so you could see the stage. Cuz you're right in front of the sound booth and I'm.

[B]

We're not blocking anybody.

[A]

I'm like sitting down, waiting for the show to start. Nate has a wine next to me and he's on his third and he's already pretty hammered.

[B]

He's pretty hammered.

[A]

And AR's like, take your second pill. And I take the second pill and I'm chilling there and.

[B]

Feel like you're in the middle of a conversation. Like, I know, sorry, sorry. Just one second.

[A]

That's exactly what it was. And I like talking to it. And Nate's like, you're on drugs, man. I'm not listening to you. And he's like starting to get like Wine Confident. Yes. That's where. Well, he started getting white wine drunk. He started getting very like, excuse me, excuse me.

[B]

Yeah, he was white's wine, dude.

[A]

Rachel spills, knocks over the fourth one. And Nate's like, I mean, come on, soda. You're spilling my. I remember this specifically. He goes, come on, soda. You spilling my wine. And I stood up to defend myself, and I go, nate, I'm not. And then I felt a warmth in the middle of my head, and it spread. And LCD sound system started playing the song Us and Them. And it, like, starts with, like, a very specific drop. Like, like, drunk. And I was like, oh, this is awesome. And I fucking. My God, did I feel great. That's the best. I think. I think we just.

[B]

I think we just ditched Nate. We're like. Nate disappeared because he was like, your drugs. Your drugs.

[A]

Like, our drugs.

[B]

Our drugs are fine.

[A]

Yeah, your drugs. But, dude, I don't even know where he went. I don't know where Rachel went. You know what it became? It became me, you, Josh, Adam Myers, Jeremiah Watkins in the goddamn comedy jam. But Samantha specifically, who worked for Bonnaroo, just kept giving us Cold waters.

[B]

Great.

[A]

It was the best drug experience I've ever had in my life.

[B]

With enough space to jump around. It was, you want an LCD and no one's. You're not blocking anybody.

[A]

I was still.

[B]

I was stepped on so many toes. Jumping and smashing the leg. Sorry. So I really apologize. Gotta keep doing it.

[A]

You look like a guy that you get mad at at a concert. You go, that guy?

[B]

I jump. I can't help jumping. At some point, I'm like, if you're in front of me, I just put my arm on your shoulder so I can. And some looks back, I'm like, do you mind? Like, no, it's fine.

[A]

So I just. Like, I just.

[B]

Just. Otherwise, I'm gonna step on you. I can't jump straight up.

[A]

You are very fun to go to a concert with. Yeah, it's. He's very into. Do you remember when we. I'm jumping all over the place. But I'll go to the worst drug story because that's at another. But another concert moment that. It just entered my mind with Ari, me, you and Greg Stone went and saw St. Paul and the broken bones at Terminal 5.

[B]

Like, I climbed the whole speaker system. Yeah.

[A]

Do you remember that family of women? It was like, yeah, yeah. There was this mom and her two daughters, right? And they go like.

[B]

We do this thing as comics where you look at a group and they're like, let's just give them a backstory.

[A]

Yeah. And so we're like, oh, this. But it. The. But it played out in front of us because this. So the. The we were. It was me, Ari, and Greg Stone, all pretty good size and height. And these women tap on us, and they're like, excuse me. We're. They're short, and they're like, we have a problem seeing over you guys. Could we go in front of you?

[B]

It's all ga. So it's fine.

[A]

We're back one foot.

[B]

Go ahead.

[A]

And then their dad is there, right? And their dad is.

[B]

It was like, the wife and two kids.

[A]

The wife and two daughters.

[B]

Wife and two daughters.

[A]

And they went up, and the daughters are in their 20s. The wife's in her 50s, the dad's in his late 50s, early 60s. And it's. We're like a wall. And we open, and the daughter. The two daughters, and the mom come in and the wall. And then the dad's lagging, and we're like, hey, the wall closed. Do you want to get up? You want to get in front of us? And he goes to me, he goes, all good, man. I'm. I'm good back here. And I go, no, no, no, no, no. You should be with your family. And he gets like. I said, I'm good. And. And then I look at Ari and I go, like, all right. And so we closed the gate off. When I tell you this guy had the best time being separated from his family.

[B]

And then I told him at Hanukkah, hey, dad, I know your favorite band is St. Paul and the Broken Bones.

[A]

They told us. They go, we got our tickets for our dad. This is, like, one of his favorite bands. And he was like, four tickets.

[B]

I'm gonna bring Rodney. I'm gonna bring Tim.

[A]

Oh, I gotta bring.

[B]

And then who do I bring? John or Jim? Oh, it's gonna be tough. I gotta bring Ray Nate, Ronnie gotta bring.

[A]

That's exactly how you narrow it down.

[B]

But I gotta. Maybe they can get one too. But anyway, this is gonna be sick. You guys are great. And then they come back in and they go like, okay, so we got a hotel for us all.

[A]

And so when my dumb ass is going like, oh, no, be with your family, he's like, shut the wall.

[B]

I'm with.

[A]

So I shot it, dude. He had two beers, and. And he was just like, I remember that. I remember there's a song called Burning Rome, and he did this thing that, like, you only do where you're really feeling it. Where he goes. They're doing Burning Rome like that. And I was like, this guy's loving life. And you saw like the mom and the daughters shuffling their feet and they were like into the show. But this guy like got a moment to just breathe to be like. Yeah. And. And so that leads me to the worst.

[B]

By the way. Let me break into the first one. I remember saying talking to Joe List. Huge Pearl Jam fan.

[A]

Oh. Cuz we went to Pearl Jam the next night.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And we also did MDMA and Mushrooms.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Which I just stayed clung to the thing didn't enjoy the show. And then they turned on all the lights and I was like, yeah.

[B]

He also was all that. It was also right after the Orlando shooting. And he was like talking about. But we were just finding out like so we're 80,000 people on drugs fighting out.

[A]

There was this very terrible attack in Orlando. You're not just one tell us like can you do yellow lead better? Yeah.

[B]

And then I remember going like no, I saw him. But LCD sound was better. Not. No shedding on Pearl Jim and. And Joe. L like, you're crazy. That's because they were on drugs. And Jeremiah's like, oh, I'm sober. And I was at the post shows.

[A]

I agree.

[B]

L City was better.

[A]

We're like sober. Sober side it. And that was the first time we saw him.

[B]

Yeah. That's not Jeremiah. That's. Jeremiah was a bullfro. It's down Jeremiah.

[A]

Dude. This is. This episode's gonna be called make them Work. It's just making Mike do extra work. But he. I mean that was like. That show was unbelievable. And that made me a giant LCD sound system fan.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Where I wouldn't listen to all their albums. Got into it. And they're definitely a fan base that would hate hearing that. They're definitely a fan base. That's like. I used to listen to him in Williamsburg in 1998. And you're. You poser. I mean they have a song called you wanted to hit like so.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We've seen them. You and I have seen.

[B]

We've seen three times together. I've never been to any concert with the same person that many times.

[A]

It's true love.

[B]

I don't think.

[A]

Can you give me heart eyes. But we went.

[B]

Oh my God, I gotta scratch my dick.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, don't. This isn't. I can't pay a hundred thousand dollars.

[B]

It's a glass. But this is all Glassman stuff. Hold on.

[A]

Oh, that feels good. So we got. Would be even better is if you if you leave some of these blank so he just looks like an asshole. So we. We got super hyped for LCD sound system. They were doing three nights at Brooklyn Steel. And we, you, me, Gary Veder and Michelle Wolf all were like, we're gonna. I. Everyone knew we were doing drugs. Yeah. I got in trouble with Veeder and his wife.

[B]

You didn't get trouble with Beater.

[A]

I got in trouble with Peter's wife. Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

He's trying to lie about it and I helped him.

[B]

Sam, opening for you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

God damn it. And then that's so bad when they make you lie and then it puts you in the center of the fire. And then you instead of going, sorry, stop. I made him lie. But even if you say I made you lied, now it's like you lied to me.

[A]

Yeah. What a shitty situation. But Ari was like, I got MDMA and I got mushrooms. Great. We did that. We're good.

[B]

We can get waters there.

[A]

Get a. I mean a lot of waters. I think I had at 1.6 waters on me.

[B]

Sweat it out in.

[A]

In a wetter. Cuz I had my winter coat. So they were all like.

[B]

They were everywhere. But don't worry, cuz, you can dance yourself clean.

[A]

Yeah, that's fun. That's fun. And put the song right there.

[B]

The song. And get the rights for that place. Publishing rights. I'm just finding out. Or exorbitant. So good luck with that. God damn.

[A]

We all did mushrooms and took this mdma, which we found out had a little bit of speed.

[B]

It was a little more speedy than I would have liked. A little more speedy than I would have liked.

[A]

It was very, very speedy. The show was good. The giant disco ball was awesome.

[B]

At Brooklyn Steel, Michelle is having all these realizations. I've been with her a couple times where she's had like, shroom realizations.

[A]

Yeah. Bonnaroo 2015.

[B]

That tree is there. The tree is there. This is Michelle, like being lucky to get into Bonnaroo stand up. Just like, oh, cool. I got accepted to, you know, when I realized I can do whatever I want in the whole world. I can live wherever and do whatever and be with whoever I want and I can make it in the world. I can host the everything. Yeah.

[A]

Within like three weeks, she manifested that. I think if that's a lesson for drugs, it start talking that when you're high. Because it works sometimes.

[B]

Kudos to the guy who. I bought enough mushrooms for the entire Bonnaroo comedy. People coming up to Nick Thune and Natasha, like, hey, you got mushrooms. Like, yeah, yeah. Here we go.

[A]

We hit him on Ralphie's bus in 2015.

[B]

Joy. L was like, how do do this? I'm like, put them in your mouth. Like how much? Like, put them in your mouth, Joy.

[A]

I'm the Sherpa. She was how you climb that worked. Yeah. But LCD sound system at Brooklyn Steel. We took mushrooms and the sped up mdma. Yeah. And the show wasn't even the story. Show's good. Show's fine.

[B]

Was great.

[A]

The lights came on. We stood outside talking for. Oh, it's a fire. Something's going on. Maybe the aliens are here.

[B]

Is it the Staten island ferry right by here?

[A]

I don't know. That sounds like.

[B]

It's crazy. They're way off course. Stand bought that ferry. It's been really downhill.

[A]

You look down the boats on 6th Avenue.

[B]

Yeah. I was like, trust me, trust me.

[A]

Who doesn't need a boat on land? But dude, that was the most drugged out I've ever felt.

[B]

Well, Veeder passed out, but the crowd was so tight that he just like, was. Was kept up. We could have got trampled. He was just caught in between people and just like up.

[A]

And then they brought him three minutes.

[B]

He was like, duh, huh?

[A]

Yeah. And we had a bunch of waters.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Michelle was like. Was like looking through a disco ball. It's like they're. They're being amplified through mirrors. And I amplify my art through the microphone.

[A]

That's like all. I mean, by the way, those are. We're not judging. Yeah. I was saying ridiculous. I was going like, I'm sweating out all the problems of my past. You're just all up on mushrooms.

[B]

You guys both have good points.

[A]

Crushing some guys, some. Some bankers feet that lives in the Dumbo. But dude, the thing is, is we're outside Brooklyn Steel for good two hours.

[B]

Talking, just walking slightly slot.

[A]

And then we look up and we're like, where the are we? We were in the middle of Brooklyn. We had no idea. So we took Warehouse District.

[B]

It was pretty abandoned. Like, even like less people than like where Jay lives now.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, he's all the way up. He lives by the Intrepid. There's barely anybody. This was. There was no one.

[B]

Nobody.

[A]

So we took a cab to Ari's house and stayed there. I left at 8 in the morning. No, 7 in the morning. I think I went to therapy.

[B]

Decided right then, let's go to therapy.

[A]

No, I went home.

[B]

Just didn't.

[A]

It just didn't.

[B]

We got to the End of my block. There was a garbage truck and was like, let's just get out here. It's a one minute walk. And then we're like, oh, I feel so bad for this cab driver who now won't be able to get a fare. I gave him like 50 bucks. And then Michelle's like, we should give money. I'm like, I gave him 50.

[A]

200 more. I'm like, jesus, I don't remember that.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You guys have just got out of the cab. Who were so sorry for having to spend another eight minutes in your cab without a fare.

[A]

When you're a cab driver in the mornings at that. At that.

[B]

Like two different kinds of guys you pick up.

[A]

Yeah. Going to work or coming home.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Fucked up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But yeah, man, that was. That lasted for like two days sleep.

[B]

I slept like the next morning. I think I got to sleep.

[A]

Yeah. And I mean, I did it.

[B]

The shell stayed over till like 2pm that's crazy.

[A]

You can find an episode of the bonfire that I'm on that happened the next day. Because it was.

[B]

It was too speedy.

[A]

It was too speedy. We did an episode and I think I did a. You know what, dude? Oh, that was the Yankee swap I was on. That was. Yes. I pissed like, I pissed like 80 times.

[B]

That drink a lot of water.

[A]

I was just pouring water. Yeah, that was holy. That's fun. I didn't know it was a Yankee swap episode. I was. That. Was that the next day. Because that's why I couldn't call out of it, because I was like, that was that episode you did what? Mary Jean, this porn star tried to fight Lewis, like actually tried to fight Lewis. And it was like holding up a painting and she was like going at him. And I was. I was urinate. I urinated and I did a bonfire because Jay was like, you are pissing like crazy. That was nuts.

[B]

Yeah. That ruled. What a night. That was dope. What a night.

[A]

No, it was horrible. It was horrible. The. The first night was great memories.

[B]

I loved it. Oh, wow.

[A]

You know what it was.

[B]

It was annoying. Like, I need to go to sleep, but I'm itchy.

[A]

If that happened now and I didn't have the. If I didn't have to do stuff. Yeah, I would have enjoyed that. If I would have had. If I could have canceled everything I had and then just been like, I would have loved it. But I was like trying to be normal with that being like, do anything.

[B]

I was just trying to sleep. And then like, spiders. Glassman just. Spiders are crawling all over me.

[A]

I felt like spiders were crawling over me.

[B]

Handle it.

[A]

Damn, dude, you got Glasswind. We gotta have him on here when he's on here. Get ready. Get ready for that edit.

[B]

I don't think anyone's changed the podcast game in that level since.

[A]

He's awesome.

[B]

He's like the version of, you know, that four Way Pac Man. We play against each other. It's the first development pac man since Ms. Pac man, which was the same game.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Glassman's editing on podcast. It was like the first like step up in podcasting.

[A]

Also. He's very. It's like he sees it way before you know what the happening where he just goes like do that. And you go, oh, that's. That's fun.

[B]

Yeah, just touch your ear.

[A]

Yeah. Like, why?

[B]

Like. And then some Oompa Loom is coming out of your ear.

[A]

This leads us back to Copenhagen. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, right, right, right. Okay, okay, okay.

[A]

You could do those drugs following Copenhagen. Auckland, New Zealand at number four.

[B]

Wait, wait. We got from Chrisja Copenhagen to LCD sound system and St. Paul and the broken bones and all that.

[A]

Pothead friends.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

That's how that works.

[B]

I think first of all, said it before. You're on the Mount Rushmore of comedian Pog Potheads.

[A]

Thanks.

[B]

Yeah, it's like Doug Benson, obviously. But like it's this mixture of. It can't be like some like open micro does. Hello, Weed. It's gotta be a mixture of having a career and that.

[A]

It's about you.

[B]

Benson Rogan's up there. He's such a fucking advocate. I don't know. There's other ones.

[A]

There's. The fourth one is for comment here. The Forgotten Soldier. The number five. But Copenhagen's for Auckland, New Zealand.

[B]

New Zealand, which.

[A]

That's where all the billionaires are going. Right.

[B]

But what if you need to get away from the Maoris? It's a terrible place. Oh, wow.

[A]

The Maoris are coming for you. You're going to get. You're going to get Maui cancelled. Amsterdam, bro.

[B]

Right up to my house.

[A]

Amsterdam's six. Number six. Some of these, I'm.

[B]

Amsterdam is what? Six numbers? You would think Amsterdam has the best weed in Europe. It does not.

[A]

It's because it's like tourist. Yeah, but those cafes are cool.

[B]

The cafes are great.

[A]

I mean, to find it is better. The what?

[B]

The ability to find it. Just walk and find it is better. But the level of it.

[A]

Yeah, I think we were just late. I was very lazy when I went there. Yeah. I just wanted to get weed.

[B]

Yeah. Sure.

[A]

The guy my buddy Mike was with. Oh, DJ Lou was with me.

[B]

Oh, nice.

[A]

DJ Lou and his friend Amanda and me and my friend Mike. And they just wanted a drink. I wanted to smoke, so those cafes were perfect.

[B]

Yeah, you can get both. And also you also get splits, so.

[A]

It kind of counts as smoking.

[B]

I love spliffs. European splits. Don't worry, guys. You won't still be addicted to tobacco when you get back to America.

[A]

Oh, man, I love it. It's such a treat. It's so a fucking.

[B]

It killed me. I had to really quit again.

[A]

Really?

[B]

It was so dumb. And it was like, I'm fully addicted. And it was like, no. And every time I was like, let me stop.

[A]

It's like be like a day and.

[B]

A half and then right back to like, make up for lost time. Like seven. To make up immediately.

[A]

Would you do it? Every smoke? You would have a spliff.

[B]

So I do it. The last one was in Australia and I would do the Great Ocean Road. I would just split the whole thing. It goes longer.

[A]

That's like smoking cigarettes, though. You got to do a spliff once every four.

[B]

It.

[A]

When you're on vacation. Where?

[B]

Australia.

[A]

But I'm just saying. Cuz if you're smoking weed mostly, then the spliff is like, when I see.

[B]

You can't find great weed everywhere. Yeah.

[A]

When I see Shahrod Small, I know he's gonna be smoking a spliff.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When I smoke with Sherrod, I know I'm gonna get a little tobacco.

[B]

He should warn you too, more than he does.

[A]

I don't know. I love it. I love running into that old mistress. And then you're like, something happened. I had a little puff. Number seven.

[B]

Not cheating, though.

[A]

It isn't.

[B]

It's like. It's like getting a massage parlor jerk off. You know, where a lot of women are like, no, it's never a relationship. Yeah. This is not. It's not smoking.

[A]

Number seven's Frankfurt, Germany.

[B]

I told you. It's gonna be one of those offtown German towns. It couldn't be Berlin. It was gonna be. I said Munich or Frankfurt. Is that what I just said?

[A]

Yeah, Frankfurt. Frankfurt, Germany. Number seven.

[B]

Go back and look up. And if I said it again. Now lay this in. Sorry. I'm sorry. I just texted Glassman today.

[A]

I believe it's Frankfurt. I need you to cut three minutes of the Godfather 2 this morning.

[B]

So I'm so glasping out my. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, guys.

[A]

Seven is all that out. Seven. Vancouver.

[B]

Yeah, Vancouver.

[A]

Great.

[B]

Interesting. Yeah.

[A]

Number nine is burn. Switzerland.

[B]

Burn. Never been.

[A]

You been to Switzerland? A bunch.

[B]

Yeah, but not burn.

[A]

What about. What about Basil?

[B]

Never been a Basil either.

[A]

But those are 9 and 10.

[B]

Wow. And then there's a lot of Swiss.

[A]

They do the bottom 10, which is so funny.

[B]

Which is where you don't want to be.

[A]

Yeah. This is the 10 cities at the bottom of the list.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Are. I'm going to up some of these.

[B]

I mean, who would go to any of these?

[A]

Khartoum, Sudan. Baghdad, Iraq.

[B]

Okay. Not great for gays.

[A]

Bangai.

[B]

What?

[A]

Bangai. B A N G U I. Which is Central African Republic.

[B]

Okay. C A R. Yeah, sure.

[A]

Port au Prince, Haiti. Damascus is on the list.

[B]

Where's Damascus?

[A]

Syria.

[B]

Syria? Oh, wow.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Kinshasa.

[B]

Right. Middle Eastern countries in the Arab countries are really crushing.

[A]

Dominicans.

[B]

I mean, stay away vibes.

[A]

They put this list out not knowing, like, hey, we're gonna look racist. Top 10 countries for Americans. White countries.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Everything else move there. That's such a funny list. Because as a traveler, you know, you just like, why would you make a list if you know where you're.

[B]

Places you don't want to live? Who's like, considering it?

[A]

This is the problem with 24 hour news cycles is people feel an obligation to make these kind of lists where you're like, no one needs it.

[B]

Should also weigh in on what's terrible.

[A]

I should also. The bottom 10 are. Yeah, Sudan is a tough place for a white, like an Ohio American to go. Probably.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But who the fuck would ever think it was a good idea? I hope those aliens come today, you know? You know, they're saying that online. It was like, Remember when Area 51, that whole thing of like, we're gonna go to Area 51.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

December 12, 2012. Do you remember that?

[B]

We want to believe.

[A]

December 21.

[B]

December 21, 2012. Look that up.

[A]

Yeah, bring that up. Can you bring up that? Wikipedia.

[B]

No, no, that's December 7th. You look later.

[A]

That's Big J's birthday.

[B]

The whole thing, you're. What you're doing is googling every single day in December separately. Okay, this is gonna take a while. So now on deck. December 9th. What happened? Notable December. I'm telling you, dude, it's the 12th of the 24th. All right, keep looking. I guess.

[A]

But do you remember they made a whole movie about it?

[B]

Yeah. There was only people on the rooftop waiting for them. Or was that. Was that Independence Day? Independence Day. And then they go, oh, we just got blown up.

[A]

Yeah, they. That So I wonder. I mean, I don't wonder. I know it's going to be the same as December 21, 2012, because I was at my mom's house in Denver. I was in Aurora talking to her drunk neighbor. Yeah. And I remember going, like, if the world ends right now and I'm talking to this asshole, I'm going to be.

[B]

At what point you just be like, bye.

[A]

Yeah. Like, this could be the end of the world.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If the world. I feel like if the world ever. If there ever is an apocalypse and there's an afterlife, you're going to be like, that's what I was doing. The last thing I.

[B]

About everyone bitching about, like, World War three with Iran. Remember that?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, people love those.

[A]

People love to get the World War Three thing.

[B]

And they're like, it's a real thing. I'm like, okay, is your worst worry gonna help it? Because I'm gonna be off skiing with my friends, and you're gonna worry about World War III in your last day. We're all gonna get to hell at the same time. Like, what'd you do with your last time? Like, I was bitching online on Twitter with strangers about what it did end up happening. And what were you doing? Like, fail.

[A]

Bro's reaction was this. And then he pulled his. His goggles up. He went, is that a mushroom cloud? And then it's like. And then everyone's gone. Yeah, dude. That's the people that, like, worry about. That's always been my thing about online activism, is, like, you're not even around it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You're just, like, in the comfort of your home, being like, you guys should do this.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Everyone needs to start. We need to start fist fights again.

[B]

Make this fight legal, you know, I want to. Online. They just don't have it. Is. Is a way to just go. Instead of, like, saying for every, like, political station, do not recommend this channel. Do not recommend this channel. And they go, how about ABC7 from Oklahoma City? Try that one. I'm like, no. I'm like, just, no. No fucking politics.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Just enter into my thing. I don't want any politics.

[A]

How can you.

[B]

I mean, I'll miss something that I want to say over all that. I don't.

[A]

And, like, like I said, you'll see the mushroom cloud when you're. See it, when you're ripping some fresh pounds.

[B]

Hit me from behind. And I won't.

[A]

You're on a good blue run.

[B]

You ever see that. That one with this guy with this lady running and It's Photoshopped. But it was a bear behind her, and she's, like, got the earbuds in, and the bear just keeps going or whatever. It's Photoshopped. Really. Well, call it up, please, and. And.

[A]

And do that again. Bring that up.

[B]

But she's just having a good run. That's how I hope I'll be. Even on the mushroom cloud, even at the end, it's just, like, evaporated.

[A]

Not a second of worry being hunted or just getting grabbed because, like, it's. It's so much worse. That's how. That's why they kill cows without the cows knowing it's about to happen.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because if you go, like, your meat's all tainted. You're like, if I had a bear, like, taunting me, like, you know, And I'm like. And the bear's like, a friend, not the ass. Yeah. I just wanted to, like, out of nowhere, grab my neck and I'm like, sure, yeah. I'm like, googling something. I want to. It's crazy to think that you want to see it coming. No, dude. Yeah.

[B]

I don't blow it up any. You won't make a difference.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's not like, hey, just so you know, they're about to raise your rent. I'm like, oh, thanks for letting me know. Yeah, I won't re up. Or they're about to have construction. That's helping me understand this.

[A]

Yeah. I don't know. I feel like.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What?

[B]

Separate. But, like, you remember, like, want to go up to a celebrity and say hi or something? Like, I always help it. Like, don't. They're not going to help them at all. The only thing you can do is. Let's say this Tom Brady sentence there. Or. Or Brad Pitt. Brad. Oh, I want to say hi. The only thing he would appreciate is like, are you Brad Pit. Is that your car? They're towing it right now. Thanks, man. And then run out there. That's the only thing that they don't want.

[A]

I was. I landed in Vegas last year.

[B]

In Las Vegas, everybody.

[A]

Las Vegas, Nevada.

[B]

Where is that? In the west Coast? Pull that map.

[A]

It's right there. Put an arrow on it.

[B]

Yeah, it's right.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah. Now, how do I get there from here? Family circus route with lots of different details. Oh, there's a dragon up there near Tulsa. Pull up.

[A]

Pull up a playlist of a great song across country. But I went to. We went. I went to. Che got me a Super bowl ticket to watch the 49ers lose to the Chiefs and Che Guevara, the. The revolutionary leader. But I landed in Vegas, and Dan Campbell, the head coach of the Detroit Lions, was, you know, like, in Vegas, you go down those escalators to go to the trains, like, once you land. And I was like, going down the escalator, I was like this.

[B]

He wasn't playing.

[A]

What's that?

[B]

He wasn't playing?

[A]

No. So the Lions lost to the 49ers in the NFC championship game last year, which now I'm cheering for the Lions because I think the 90, 49ers are.

[B]

Not a threat this year.

[A]

You. At least we beat the Cowboys.

[B]

You just gave up a draft position.

[A]

The wrong year for that. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. But I see Dan Campbell and I'm like, I get so excited because it's the Super Bowl. Super bowl weekend.

[B]

Could be the coolest NFL coach.

[A]

Yes. Mike McDaniel.

[B]

I think he's the most autistic.

[A]

He is.

[B]

Dan Campbell could be the coolest.

[A]

You're right.

[B]

Going for two conversions, only rubbing in. Do you see what he did against the Cowboys? Because they called that. They called that play in the playoffs, and that. That made him lost last year. The guy didn't report as eligible, even though he called in reporting for eligible, like, something like 14 times. Even at the very last, they were, like, kneeling in the ball. He's like, go call in as eligible. I like that.

[A]

Dan Campbell's great.

[B]

He's great.

[A]

So he. So I see him and I'm like, Now here's.

[B]

Here's McDaniel. The numbers, the numbers. All I see is the numbers, the numbers, the numbers.

[A]

Potatoes. Like this. Cool.

[B]

Cool as.

[A]

Like this. This is. This is. Go look. This how it goes? Cool as shit. I put sunglasses down, but I see him, and I'm like, I'm going to go talk to him. But then I. It's the thought of that. Of, like, dude, don't bother him. And then I. I'm. I'm in a 49er hat, and I'm thinking about what I'm going to say, and I'm like, I'm going to.

[B]

I like football. And he goes, yeah, that's all who comes up to me.

[A]

I think I was going to walk up to him and go, great season, but I don't. Then I'm like, why say that? You're wearing the hat of the team that beat him. Oh. As I'm getting close to him, I can tell that him and his wife are not in a fight, but they're in A we're traveling together spat.

[B]

We're not happy with each other right now.

[A]

He's going like this. He's going like, I looked over there. I looked over there. That's what I hear when I'm walking up. And I just. Just immediately was like, no, guys, there's nothing you want less than when you're in a lover's spat to have a guy go, I really thought you had a great season this year. And I'm wearing a fucking. The hat of the team that be.

[B]

Dude, I was in. I went to see Shane at Wells Fargo and I was wearing. It was Yankees playoff game, sport team, you know. Yeah, I was wearing cap jersey.

[A]

You go all out, though.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[A]

You go. You jersey.

[B]

I support, I support. I went to every single game this year. Me and Renaissance did. And Mike Cannon did a show at Levity Live to pay for World Series tickets. We're like, we can't afford them. I'm like, oh, we do have an income way.

[A]

That is awesome. Yeah, that's exactly how you should do it.

[B]

Anyway, I'm dressed up, going to see him, and one of the pitchers from the Phillies is there because Shane's famous with every athlete.

[A]

It did long hair. He doesn't have groupies. He has athletes. Yeah.

[B]

And he goes, you got a lot of nerve wearing that in here. And I'm like, why? Yeah, this isn't where you guys play and we didn't beat you.

[A]

Yeah, we have done.

[B]

He just keeps trying to ride because. Oh, judge with the name on the back.

[A]

Oh. Oh, yeah.

[B]

I would never wear that. It's not the official jersey. I'm like, yeah, I know, but I met him in the shirt, so it's lucky. So it's our season, you know, and he just keeps trying to needle me. And I'm like, what?

[A]

What's up?

[B]

Like, what do you want? Did you ever give up 17 runs in the fucking last season against the Mets?

[A]

Yeah, sorry, you guys. His bats fell asleep against the Mets. Did you. Did he let up at all?

[B]

I bet he was like, I would. I talked to my friend who name dropped someone on the. That southpaw from. Or whatever, the sidearmer from. From the Yankees. He goes, he said he would never wear one with his. I'm like, yeah, dude, I don't like it. But it's the one I bought, so I'm wearing it. Yeah. He just didn't let.

[A]

I was like, it's always weird when people.

[B]

What are you coming at me for? When you're in a no Trying to impress Shane. Yeah.

[A]

When you're in a. When you're in a non sports.

[B]

No, that's Shane Torres.

[A]

No, when you're. When you're in a non sports setting and you're getting that energy like your teams are playing. There was. I did shows in London. I was. I flew back to Boston to meet Katie at her parents house because that's where the dog was very.

[B]

The slut waitress from the Comedy Store. When I was starting there.

[A]

Who. That was all edited. I edited out something because Ari fucking pops off at the mouth and says, shit. No, my fiance Katie. But I flew back to Boston from London and I'm wearing my Niners hat and the guy doing customs or whatever, he's like 49ers. I was like, yeah. He's like balls. Wearing that here. And I, I went.

[B]

I don't.

[A]

What's the. You've never had a rivalry with you. What is it? And he goes, yeah. And then he stopped. He stamped my passport. It was. And then. But that's very much Philly.

[B]

That's the Simpsons. They do that. It's like, ah, Springfield.

[A]

That's it.

[B]

You make a wrong time. That's why he beat you nearly half the time.

[A]

Yeah. But Boston and Philly both have that. That's. They're good sports fan bases because they're so aggressive.

[B]

Yeah. But it's like, what are you. Dude, you're just way off here.

[A]

Yeah. Why are you mad at me? Because I'm wearing a 49ers hat. Yeah. And also it would have been great if you're like, grab a glove. I can hit you. Let's go. You're at Wells Fargo shot right now. Yeah.

[B]

I'm in your fucking head in the playoffs.

[A]

I think you're not your. There's so much luck in this Judd jersey.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm going to fucking hit you. Shane, get us a bag.

[B]

Walk it off, walk it off. Somebody like pace it off like a.

[A]

Natural 90ft or whatever it is to amount you go send it. If you had a stance that made him nervous.

[B]

Yeah. I just want so to it out. Shuffle out.

[A]

The shuffle back in, man.

[B]

That. Please.

[A]

Juan Soto signing for the Red Sox is really gonna make you mad.

[B]

Well, just. I just like to say this publicly that your chick was sure. Which. Whose wedding did we go to? We're up there. It was. It was Norman's.

[A]

Oh, in Louisiana. Yeah.

[B]

We're outside. The first day. The main day.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She's going to rue crossing me.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Because she was positive Aaron Judge would not re Sign with the Yankees. Can you look up Aaron Judge's last year?

[A]

Don't do that. Also don't do that. Don't throw that shit at me too. Because he's a fucking. He grew up a Giants fan. And the Giants had a legitimate shot at one point. And then they leaked it. You fucking evil fuck. You come in here and you fucking detonate something that goes on Katie and me.

[B]

That's right. I love the household. God damn you and Myrtle Stanislav.

[A]

No, she's locked up. She was right to bark at you when you came in here.

[B]

Came in. I got two. While she was happy. And then I got a little too. I was like. She's like.

[A]

It was so funny. She was going. By the way. She was going nuts. It's too speedy. That might be the name of the episode. Edit that or Too speedy. Well, you're a Cowboys fan. Are you a bigger basketball or football fan?

[B]

I mean, first off, I'm no longer a football fan. I think anyone who watches football is kind of lame, to be honest.

[A]

So we'll do football cards.

[B]

God, they suck. I went with Jay to that Jersey store on the way down to Wells Fargo. Oh, you gotta stop and get a jersey. I don't feel like buying anything. Cowboys right now. After keeping McCarthy and after resigning Dak Prescott, who's a backup on 11 teams in the NFL to the richest contract of all time.

[A]

Can I just say, this is a sportsman. You won't die. Yeah. You won't win until Jerry Jones is dead. That's the curse. I don't know what it is. Your special is coming out, America, Sweetheart, on Netflix.

[B]

On Netflix.

[A]

Stream it.

[B]

Stream it now. It's available now.

[A]

America, Sweetheart, on Netflix.

[B]

It's a lot about focusing on positive. And that same thing of go skiing when the World War III is coming.

[A]

I like that idea. On Netflix. Go watch it now. Now we're going to do football cards. Okay, Cuz this comes out just on YouTube.

[B]

I have a baseball card story.

[A]

What's your baseball card story?

[B]

I had a nice collection of baseball cards.

[A]

Good for you.

[B]

It was over at my friend's house one time. His brother had all his. They were rich, even for upper class Jews.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

They had a pool table in the downstairs, downstairs, downstairs. And they had a. Downstairs, downstairs.

[A]

Wait, they had what?

[B]

They had a downstairs downstairs.

[A]

So like you go downstairs downstairs was a playroom.

[B]

Standard for middle class. Upper middle class back then.

[A]

Like a TV couch.

[B]

Yeah, just like play Nintendo. If they had a little mini basketball, it'd be down there and they Had a downstairs. Downstairs, I think where they had a room adjoining. They might have been. They had a pool table there and. And he had all his baseball cards laid out. And I stole one.

[A]

Yeah, What'd you steal?

[B]

A George Brett rookie card. 1975, tops.

[A]

It's actually kind of sick, dude. I think I have a George Brett up here. George Brett is the coolest.

[B]

Yeah. I became an instant fan of George Brett after that. He was cool. His. The pants story is stories really sad. I never got it on. This not happening, by the way. It's already out.

[A]

I think we've talked about it more than three times. That story's been brought up. How legendary it is when he tells it. When they're stretching and he doesn't know.

[B]

When he was recording him.

[A]

No.

[B]

Some guy's just doing that. He's like getting.

[A]

It was like my pants last night.

[B]

Who's. There it is. That's George.

[A]

Oh, my God, my pants last night.

[B]

The other player's like, what?

[A]

I love it. The daddy's locker room talk.

[B]

Yeah, that's locker room talk.

[A]

That's absolutely locker room talk. But did you ever tell your friend.

[B]

No.

[A]

Did he ever say anything?

[B]

No. I had it for years when I realized I got older and I was like, I got to give this back to him. I don't know how to broach that subject. I'm just like, hey, man, I don't want you back in my life in any way. With the whole family.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I just need to return this with you. It was worth far more than when I stole it. And then the bottom dropped out of the market. Now it's worth almost nothing. Oh, but. But I've held on to it. It's in one of the holders, so it's still in mint.

[A]

Wait, you still have it?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You never gave it back?

[B]

No. I gotta find out when you go visit home. Like, what? I gotta take time to make amends on something he doesn't even know I did. And it's his brother. So who do I give up to? Him or find his brother? Oh, yeah.

[A]

But it is a George Brett rookie.

[B]

It's a George Brett rookie. I mean, he's a hall of Famer.

[A]

But he didn't miss it because he.

[B]

Would have said didn't miss it.

[A]

So the question becomes. Yeah, if he doesn't miss it, you.

[B]

Do this 12 steps or no, you just quit.

[A]

Nice quit.

[B]

But you know those 12 step people?

[A]

Yeah. Well, they do 12 steps.

[B]

Yeah. And one of them is apologizing.

[A]

Number nine, I believe.

[B]

Number is it sure know a lot for someone who wasn't in the program.

[A]

Listen, my family's in the program.

[B]

No, that's. That's pogrom. That's a different thing.

[A]

That's Russia.

[B]

Edit in some Russian dance.

[A]

Let's just say the Soders aren't unfamiliar with 12 steps.

[B]

But it's like, do you apologize someone if the apology is going to hurt their life? Hey, man, I. Your wife, you know, like, that you shouldn't have. And I think they tell you, like, nah, take that into account. Do not.

[A]

Yeah, I think you keep that George Brett card.