Loading summary
Transcript625 lines
- [00:01]
A
Alabama. I've never done shows in Alabama. Well, guess what? That's about to change. February 20th through the 22nd, I will be in Huntsville, Alabama, at levity live for five shows. Grand Rapids, Michigan. I will see you March 8th. I'll be headlining a show for Gilda's Fest. One show. Come on out, California. It's such a. I don't have a singing voice. I have a voice for stand up. And thank God that's what I'm doing in California. February 28th, I will be at the Balboa Theater in San Diego. March 1st, I will be at the United Theater in Los angeles. And then March 2nd, that's a Sunday. I will be at the palace of Fine Arts in San Francisco. All those Tickets are available dancehoter.com Go get them right now. When we got. When. When we got robbed in Tucson and Amir moved out, he just left the furniture.
- [00:59]
B
Pimp. You want me to stop moving? That's probably what he's trying to do, and I'm moving too much.
- [01:02]
A
No, you're fine. He left the furniture and then called me and was like, you got to pay me for that furniture.
- [01:13]
B
No.
- [01:13]
A
And you're like, that is.
- [01:14]
B
That's so bold. I would. What I would give to live a day with that type of.
- [01:19]
A
I would. I have.
- [01:20]
B
Or I didn't stay up at night wondering and worrying if I just was like. And now I'm gonna call him and tell him to pay me for it.
- [01:25]
A
And he's blown away that I don't answer any of his messages on Instagram or, like, texts. You're like, yeah, you're a horrible friend. Yeah, he just left stuff.
- [01:34]
B
It's funny because you answer everyone's messages and everyone's texts, so he doesn't even know what a big deal this is.
- [01:41]
A
It's not a big. And then my other friend from college is like, jerry talked to him. I'm like, no, I have zero interest in talking to him. The guy left fake leather furniture when I had no money and was like, yeah, you're gonna give me, like, the squeaky kind. Yes. To the point that it was in front of an air conditioner, and it just crushed the arm, crusted over because it was fake leather. And then he's like, yeah, you want to give me, like, 400 for that.
- [02:03]
B
400 love seat, or was it, like, a sectional?
- [02:06]
A
It was a love seat. And a three. Like a regular couch and a love seat.
- [02:12]
B
Wow. It was exactly right, by the way.
- [02:14]
A
Both fake leather and. Oh, and the panther collar coffee table, which did rule Panther rumble. We went to a high school football game. That was one of the cheers. We're obsessed with it. We did a Christmas episode on the drive back, right. And then agreed it wasn't hitting.
- [02:35]
B
I was driving. I've never done a podcast while driving. The last time we did it, when we got trapped in Nebraska, I was passenger princess, as I should always be.
- [02:43]
A
She, by the way, she. She's a wonderful passenger princess.
- [02:46]
B
It's so funny whenever I'm with you, I know this is a common thing on the Internet, so I'm not reinventing the wheel here, but, like, I really am, like, no idea where I am. I just follow him. I, like, we'll be in, like, walking through New York. We'll be taking a subway. And I'm like a lady who's never taken the subway before, though. I take it by myself all the time with you. I'm like, he's got it. I don't have to turn the brain off. So the last time we did the podcast, I was able to really, like, you know, look at a document I had in my phone and help keep us on topic.
- [03:13]
A
And then I was passenger princess this time on the way back. And I was. And I was getting nervous about her.
- [03:18]
B
Driving, which is crazy because I'm a good driver.
- [03:21]
A
You are. But we were going through construction zones.
- [03:23]
B
And I was just kind of, like, sexism, misogyny. Look it right in its face, folks.
- [03:28]
A
She's clearly not the best driver. If I'm locking up, like, the Ohio State.
- [03:32]
B
The lady that had to drive the golf cart with Ryan Day and, like, a couple of the players, and she, like, smashed it into a wall. It's very funny.
- [03:39]
A
No way.
- [03:40]
B
Bringing it up while we were getting driver.
- [03:44]
A
You're making me scared. So stupid. Watch out, watch out, watch out, watch out, watch out. Lady driver.
- [03:52]
B
You drive like a maniac. I get that time we were in a fight. So we weren't, like, addressing that. The. The car was in a little bit of tension, and all of a sudden we got off of the highway we were supposed to be on, and we were on a road that didn't have highway speed limits. But Dan was mad, didn't want to talk about it, and I couldn't correct him because we were already in a tense situation. And so he was just going highway speed limit on, like, a one lane, like, road in the dark with no lights. And he was like, just crazy how this road is handling. And I was like, it might be because you're going 30 miles per hour over the speed limit.
- [04:22]
A
And that's man driving. Prove your point. The point was she will crumble and apologize if you drive fast and furious. No, that was, by the way, the ending of that story. I'm not an asshole. The ending of the story is I was like, I'm pretty mad. This is pretty dangerous.
- [04:37]
B
And you were like, we're here, so they know we got out of it.
- [04:41]
A
Yeah, but sometimes people think you're just a psycho. You just cut the story in. And then he was driving fast through a construction zone, and I was screaming.
- [04:48]
B
For help, and nobody helped.
- [04:49]
A
But, like, I didn't have the realization where I went. I'm pretty upset right now. I should probably slow down because we're not on the highway. But that was also a moment where I'm a big proponent of driving late at night to avoid traffic. But that was a situation where we were coming back from Boston and we didn't realize when you're driving home late at night, sometimes they close the expressway.
- [05:10]
B
They're like, no one needs this. We'll close all these exits. And then this whole swath of the highway.
- [05:15]
A
What would you estimate? How many times have you driven from Boston to New York?
- [05:18]
B
I couldn't.
- [05:19]
A
Because you went to college at Hofstra. How many times over?
- [05:22]
B
Over 100 over.
- [05:24]
A
And you never took the route we took?
- [05:25]
B
Never. I was like, I don't even know what road we're on. I've never seen this.
- [05:28]
A
It was like an enemy crawled into my gps and it was like, go this way wild. And then we got into a fight. We got into, like, two little arguments about it. It was. It was quite a scene. So this road, you know, what I.
- [05:39]
B
Love about you, if I may, is we always, like, figure, like, we don't leave that car. We're not. Like, we didn't go the rest of that car ride fighting. We got it out. Eventually something silly happened, and we were.
- [05:48]
A
Like, you make a joke, one of us makes a joke. Unrational. We are. And then the other one.
- [05:53]
B
I think it's irrational. I'm sorry. I just wanted to help you out.
- [05:56]
A
She does this. And so when the.
- [05:58]
B
By the way, looks good.
- [05:59]
A
Good. Good hair. This.
- [06:00]
B
Don't look, don't Trying to get out of this moment.
- [06:05]
A
I make up words. Broughton has been a big one over the years.
- [06:08]
B
God, it kills me every time. And I'm trying not to correct him because I'm like, what?
- [06:13]
A
That would make her a cold, Mean.
- [06:14]
B
What an annoying thing. But also, you speak for a living, and I don't want you to say it on stage and then go, why'd you never tell me that? It's not unrational. It's in irrational, babe. And I'd be like, you're right, babe.
- [06:26]
A
We don't even call each other babes. So that would be weird. I'd be like, why are you saying that?
- [06:30]
B
The point was, we did this on Christmas. It didn't work.
- [06:33]
A
We were just like, halfway through, and I was like, this isn't feeling right. We have the audio. You can listen. There's some dimes in there. There are, but there is moments.
- [06:43]
B
Let the dimes go. Unfortunately, it's the hard part about the biz where you go like, yeah, it's probably the best that'll ever happen, but.
- [06:49]
A
One that I will fight for because it's a story I do want to retell.
- [06:53]
B
Let's hear.
- [06:53]
A
It was at one point in the. On the driving podcast, we were talking about time zones, and I said, wait, wait, go ahead.
- [07:05]
B
Sorry. I was gonna say, you should start at the beginning of what happened.
- [07:08]
A
Well, I'll tell the story, but I'll just say beginning the mistake I made on the podcast that I will forced to make again in order to see how fucking stupid and funny it was. But we. We were talking about time zones. And I confidently went, well, Trump's gonna get rid of those when he gets in the. In the Oval Office. Because what I meant was daylight savings time. And Katie was like, you think he's getting rid of time zones? So for the rest of the episode, we were like, well, time zones won't matter when Donald Trump's back in office. So I just want to let you know that was the thing you missed out of the one recording that I would say was. The one salvageable part was me going, well, Trump's gonna hear the time zone.
- [07:48]
B
You realize the way you just looked like. And I said, what?
- [07:52]
A
Was like, I said, what?
- [07:53]
B
Yeah, well, the. Well, it's kind of topical. The reason we were talking about time zones. Interesting. About South Bend, Indiana, where Notre Dame is located.
- [08:02]
A
And I just want to say to camera. Oh, to this. To this, one of the sweetest boys in the world, Shane Gillis. I'm sorry, you're fighting Irish lost to the Buckeyes of Ohio State. Katie and I were both cheering for the fight in Irish when they were down 16. We really thought there was going to be a point. But South Bend needed that win.
- [08:23]
B
They really did.
- [08:23]
A
We drove through it recently, so we were coming from. We've been through Columbus and South Bend in the last Six months.
- [08:30]
B
True.
- [08:31]
A
South Bend needed that more than Columbus.
- [08:33]
B
We also. It was a very. We were devastated in South Bend. We were leaving Chicago to drive from Chicago to New York. No, we were stopped. Was this where we were stopping at the Bennigans or. We had already done that. Oh, no, you're right. Straight through. Sorry. Chicago to New York. And we were like, if we leave at such and such time, we can. We'll hit McDonald's breakfast on the way out.
- [08:55]
A
That was kind of the. When you go on a long road trip, when you, you know, we do. This is the second year we've done this, but we're getting really good. We've also done some other road trips that are very long. And we're getting really good at finding ways to treat ourselves so that the. The long drive isn't as bad. We'll get to Bennigan. We gotta talk about that. But what we did is we woke up at Kevin and Julie's, Katie's brother and sister in law and sister in law and shout out, charlotte, puppy. We were about. We're like, it's the end of the road trip. We had driven from New York. Do you want to go? Go ahead. Oh, bye.
- [09:37]
B
We'll miss you.
- [09:38]
A
She'll be back.
- [09:39]
B
Some emotional support dog.
- [09:40]
A
Yeah. Freaking way to give up on me.
- [09:42]
B
I really needed you here.
- [09:43]
A
And I know what you're smelling. She has a bone. She can't eat it because she eats it with her hands.
- [09:47]
B
Oh, now you want to come back?
- [09:48]
A
We'll talk about. We're gonna talk about you, you frisky little. We're jumping all over the place.
- [09:53]
B
No, just let me sell. I'll do it very quickly. We were going from Chicago. We stopped. We were going to get McDonald's breakfast. We skipped the one, I feel like in Gary, Indiana. We wanted to, like, get on the road a little before we hit a McDonald's.
- [10:06]
A
And that was our treat. That was our treat for, like, we're gonna drive 13 and a half hours, right?
- [10:10]
B
We, like, hadn't gotten a coffee. We were like, let's just get on the road so that we don't stop. Then we'll get the food. It's gonna be great. We had it planned perfectly. We had it. It was like half an hour away. It was like weirdly far away. The closest McDonald's, but we were like, look at the clock. Get there exactly on time.
- [10:25]
A
It'll get there with like 15 minutes to spare on McDonald's breakfast.
- [10:30]
B
30 is usually when they stop selling breakfast until we're going to get was palpable. We are about to get off at South Bend, and all of a sudden, Dan looks at the clock and he goes, the time just changed. We just crossed over jump from the.
- [10:47]
A
Central time zone to east coast. So we lost an hour.
- [10:51]
B
It was now 11:15.
- [10:52]
A
It was 11:15, which means breakfast was over 45 minutes ago.
- [10:56]
B
And we were like, what? It was just one of those moments where you're like, what?
- [11:00]
A
Pure defeat. There was there. That was the only energy that was in the car was pure defeat. There was mummering. There was murmurs.
- [11:08]
B
Yes, there was murmuring, absolute murmuring.
- [11:11]
A
And there was sons. There was murmured and sons. And there was this ride had everything. Steering wheel punching, volume, blasting. So then we're like, it. We're still getting McDonald's.
- [11:28]
B
And it was awful.
- [11:29]
A
It was awful. Sorry. South Bend.
- [11:30]
B
It was so bad that a guy who worked at McDonald's who was standing outside having a smoke break when Dan had to go back inside with the McDonald's to be like, you forgot our fries. When he was walking back in, that guy goes, they up your order?
- [11:41]
A
Yeah.
- [11:41]
B
Dan was like, oh, my God.
- [11:43]
A
He did it in a. He did it in an old, black, cool guy way too, where he goes, what? They fuck up? Then I go, the fries. He goes, yeah, they did like that. That guy was overworking there.
- [11:55]
B
Yeah. And I just felt like, imagine a college town that is right on the. Whatever that's called, the timeline. The time zone line, like, is wild to me when you're in your age where you're, like, not planning for anything you have to do. It was right outside of South Bend. Another thing. Why don't you legally have to say on the highway you're entering a time zone? Right? Because now that we are. That make it sound so much cooler. You're in the time.
- [12:22]
A
Welcome to the time zone. Everything stops.
- [12:25]
B
But now that we're going faster, it's 11. Now that we drive such long distances, we're road dogs. I've started to notice things on the highway that are like, oh, that's for people who are driving all the time. And, like, you would think they'd go like, hey, y', all, it's 11 o' clock now. Like, just something on the highway. One of those many things they let you know. Like that stupid sign we kept seeing for whatever state that was whose slogan was like, jingle bells, Batman smells, buckle up or you're gonna die. Or something like that. And we were like, what? Why do they keep showing us this motherfucking Iowa. Yeah.
- [13:01]
A
Used the same joke. On every highway sign.
- [13:05]
B
You know, the ones that hang over the road that are like.
- [13:09]
A
It was the annoyance of. That's what she said. It was like if a state kept doing. That's what she said. And it was jingle bells, Batman smells, buckle up or die.
- [13:21]
B
Something like that. We may be paraphrasing, but it's close. But it's closer than you think.
- [13:26]
A
You read it the first time and you go, that's fun. 16th time. You're like, get writers.
- [13:31]
B
Do something if you're gonna show. Who wanted to show me this this many times?
- [13:35]
A
Yeah, it's not that good.
- [13:36]
B
This was one meeting. You had one meeting about this.
- [13:38]
A
There was. But as far as street signs go, our second time across the country, we did notice when going through Nebraska that they're like. They're like, hey, if these lights are on, it's a. It's a yellow sign with flashing lights. And it says, if these lights are on, the highway is closed up ahead.
- [13:56]
B
Prepare to exit.
- [13:57]
A
Prepare to exit.
- [13:58]
B
And we. I missed that completely.
- [14:00]
A
Last year. We did not see that until now that we were snowed in in Big Springs, Nebraska. Now we've noticed it.
- [14:07]
B
And we looked at each other and we were like, I bet those lights were flashing last year. It's kind of like a little bit notice at all.
- [14:13]
A
You kind of take a little bit of the blame. You go, that might have been on me.
- [14:15]
B
It was on us.
- [14:16]
A
It might have been on us this time. We drove through Big Springs, Nebraska. Didn't stop. Had to stop.
- [14:21]
B
Both had.
- [14:22]
A
Both of us had to pee and we needed gas. Refused to stop in Big Springs, Ohio. We're not getting caught there again.
- [14:29]
B
Not gonna happen.
- [14:29]
A
You're flying T Truck stop. It's great.
- [14:31]
B
Whatever J, I think. Flying J, whatever.
- [14:33]
A
Who gives a shit? We won't be stopping there.
- [14:36]
B
Road dog.
- [14:36]
A
Road dog.
- [14:39]
B
Lizard.
- [14:40]
A
Yeah, dude, you'll do anything for method. We. We had a good Christmas trip. This was like a great Christmas trip. It was. We were a little nervous about the baby and the dog.
- [14:56]
B
Yeah.
- [14:57]
A
Because Myrtle doesn't have.
- [15:00]
B
Myrtle's weird. Yeah, she's weird. She's a pandemic dog with a first time owner. So she's weird. She's not right, but she's not wrong.
- [15:09]
A
But a little baby comes in the room and she's like, can I give it every kiss?
- [15:13]
B
I want to give it every kiss.
- [15:14]
A
And on our way out there, Katie's parents were in Chicago. And we stopped with the dog. And there's a moment where you go, like, all right, we're going to let you guys control the dog and the baby. We're going to. We're just going to let you. You guys say, you got it.
- [15:30]
B
They keep going, like, let her go. Because we do hold nearby her collar. I'm making sure she doesn't bum rush.
- [15:36]
A
The baby, which is, I think, a good owner. Where you go, listen, my dog's a little bit of a spaz. I'm here in case she goes for the baby. I'll just grab the collar. And then she's like, you know, and you're like. And then there's no harm, no foul.
- [15:48]
B
I'm also not the favorite child. My brother is your backup quarterback, and.
- [15:53]
A
You'Re 100% the backup quarterback.
- [15:54]
B
And Charlotte is a human baby, perhaps the only one our family's going to see.
- [15:59]
A
She's the only scion.
- [16:01]
B
Right. And. And ours is a dog. A very cute dog. A perfect dog. The light of my personal life.
- [16:05]
A
Yeah.
- [16:06]
B
But I know in a Charlotte versus Myrtle, they will toss Myrtle out to the wolves.
- [16:12]
A
There's a part Charlotte, there's a part of us that would do that.
- [16:14]
B
Right. You have to. It's the hierarchy of things. I apologize. I love all beings equally. A plant is as good as human.
- [16:20]
A
But you pull out specie versus specie. We're taking Charlotte's back.
- [16:24]
B
But so I'm like, if anything were to happen where the dog hurts the baby, I'm. I don't. I'm getting out ahead of the fact that Myrtle's not winning that fight by holding Myrtle back from the fight at all.
- [16:35]
A
We're. We're preventing. It was a preventive measure of. Our dog is a spaz. Babies don't know what's going on. She just started walking within, like three months.
- [16:46]
B
Yeah.
- [16:47]
A
She's fresh to gravity.
- [16:48]
B
She's never used these feet. Brand new feet.
- [16:50]
A
Brand new feet. And she is. She's got speed on her. She's got Kevin Speed, 100%. You see those little feet kick, especially on her walker. She gets moving. And so there became a point where Katie's parents kept going like, no, let Myrtle. Let Myrtle have fun. You guys are too restrictive. And we went, okay.
- [17:09]
B
We went, all right, let's dance.
- [17:11]
A
We just went, okay, Mike and Kami, we're going to let this go. And what happens? Charlotte comes down the hallway, and Myrtle bodies her. I mean, full go into. Charlotte drops her. The baby drops. And when babies drop, they immediately cry.
- [17:28]
B
Right.
- [17:29]
A
So it's just like. And we watch it from the kitchen.
- [17:31]
B
And parents, to your credit, are all trained to do that like, okay, you're okay. Me? I was like, oh, yeah.
- [17:39]
A
It was a Tom Jackson on ESPN jacked up. And Charlotte in the hallway got jacked up. I mean, Myrtle came. She, you know what? And I, I'm not saying it was good that she did this, but I'm saying the form she ran through the.
- [17:56]
B
Play exactly what you're supposed to. What you want.
- [17:59]
A
Explosive off the line, Explosive. Just. All I'm saying is Charlotte ain't gonna take up the A gap again if Myrtle's gonna be plugging it. That's all I'm saying. It's a hard nosed dog.
- [18:08]
B
It's a lesson she has. She's learning her ABCs and she's learning not to mess and she's learning that.
- [18:12]
A
She can't run in between the tackles. That's right, you got speed. You want to get outside. You're east to west, not north.
- [18:17]
B
Quickly learn from your mistakes.
- [18:19]
A
Maybe Charlotte runs downhill when she gets older.
- [18:21]
B
Right?
- [18:21]
A
I just, as of right now, throw a neck roll on Myrtle because she.
- [18:25]
B
Is, she really is stuff in the back.
- [18:28]
A
She's just, I wish we would, I wish we could have had her mic'd up. Like NFL Films where she's like. And she's like, woo. All day, baby, all day. I got nothing to lick. I got nothing to look. But she got rocked. And then immediately Katie's parents are like, myrtle, why are you doing.
- [18:50]
B
And we're like being a dog who's weird.
- [18:53]
A
Told you this was gonna happen. So after that it was just, you know, one of us.
- [18:58]
B
It's been kind of cool watching Myrtle learn. Like, okay, I have to sit when this one comes in the room because she really wants to love on her.
- [19:06]
A
And so, And Charlotte loves the dog.
- [19:08]
B
It, she does. It is perfectly. She's our dog. All she wants is for that little thing to love her back so badly.
- [19:16]
A
That she's going to, she's going to.
- [19:17]
B
Overly do it to the point where everyone's like, chill out.
- [19:21]
A
Fuck. I rub off on my dog.
- [19:22]
B
That's our baby wants attention. Are we shocked by that?
- [19:27]
A
There are points where Katie and I go, it really is a download. Like you really download your personality onto your dog. Notice how she's mad that she's not getting the attention she wants. So she storms off. Wonder where she gets that from.
- [19:38]
B
Where she gets that from me.
- [19:41]
A
But the drive out there was good. What we were worried about was this trip. My mom's dog died. Riley died.
- [19:51]
B
Rest in peace, Riley.
- [19:54]
A
Use you little gay dog. He was 16 years old and what A life.
- [20:00]
B
He was gay before they let dogs be gay.
- [20:02]
A
Yeah, that was always the. You know, you give dogs voices. For me, it was giving my mom's dog like an old gay man's voice. Not like a young twink, but like a. I was there at Stonewall, and I'm gonna tell you right now, it was like one of those voices where he's like, honey, it's summer. I get a summer haircut, so I don't sweat as much. Keep up if you can, sailor. That was Riley's voice. So he was our old gay dog and he died. Rip.
- [20:30]
B
We miss him. We miss him.
- [20:31]
A
So my mom, in typical Trish fashion, gave it a day, gave it like two days, and then just immediately reboots the franchise.
- [20:42]
B
Amazing.
- [20:42]
A
My mom doesn't wait. My mom doesn't do a period of mourning. She just went and got a new dog.
- [20:47]
B
I'll say she does a period of trial at the beginning of having a dog as well. And I'm a new dog owner. I don't know the ways of this, of the world. I know that I met my baby and I couldn't imagine my life without her. And I'll cry if anything ever happens to her and I'll never be able to replace her. Trish is like, look, I bring a dog into the house, if I don't like it after two weeks, taking it back.
- [21:07]
A
It's been that way my whole life. I understand the phone call I will have to have because of this conversation. I will get a call from Trish and I and. And you know what? 10 toes down. It's how I've been my whole life. My mom gets a dog, it's a 10 day contract. How you plan, how are do you mesh with the clubhouse? What is, what is. What's the upside on this dog? Because in my mom's defense, there was a puppy she got when we first got Myrtle. My mom got before she got William, she had a dog because Oreo, her other dog, died. My mom has a lot of death of dogs.
- [21:42]
B
Well, we have a lot of dogs. I think that follows it.
- [21:44]
A
Yeah, when you have a lot of.
- [21:45]
B
Dogs, those are ears.
- [21:47]
A
But my mom had a dog who's like, stomach was real up and he had to be put down. So she got another dog that she didn't realize. She got a puppy around the same time we got Myrtle. And this puppy got too big too fast. And my mom was like, I'm a lady in my 70s.
- [22:03]
B
This dog's in a body me.
- [22:05]
A
And it happened where the dog Pulled her one time and hurt her shoulder. And she was like, I can't. I can't control this dog. So she gave it to a farmer.
- [22:12]
B
Listen. In eastern Colorado, not dumping her dogs off on the side of the road. I will also. Don't. I'm helping. I will also say it's not. It's better than people keeping a dog forever. And then, like, they have a baby and they abandoned. She's not abandoning a dog.
- [22:28]
A
She's bringing.
- [22:29]
B
Bringing a dog into her home and then kind of making the right call of like, oh, this isn't gonna work.
- [22:34]
A
It is responsible.
- [22:34]
B
And then brings it to somebody else. She makes sure the dog has a home. It's just funny to me because I've only ever had one dog, and I can't picture bringing a dog in and then being like, get you again. Get out of my house.
- [22:46]
A
I told Katie the first time Katie goes, your mom returns dogs. And I was like, yeah. And then I go through my childhood.
- [22:54]
B
And I'm like, the amount of instances.
- [22:56]
A
There was George, there was like, a bunch of dogs that we would get. My mom would be like, I'm not.
- [23:01]
B
Really feeling this kind of looking for.
- [23:03]
A
More of a speed back. And I feel like. So we would get. We. My mom would take the dogs back to the Denver Dumb Friends League.
- [23:09]
B
Dumb. Denver Dumb.
- [23:11]
A
That's what the pound was called.
- [23:12]
B
That's the name of where they adopt. It's so funny to call animals dumb friends.
- [23:16]
A
My mom made the moon. My parents moved us from Connecticut to Colorado when I was 5, and my mom said she was going to go get a dog for our dog Izzy to have, like, a companion. She's like, I'm gonna do how many.
- [23:27]
B
Dogs he's named just.
- [23:28]
A
You've had a lot of dogs, dude. Boy and his dogs, Montana and Myrtle are the top two. My dad, when she told my dad that it was the Denver Dumb Friends League, he thought she was gonna come. Like, the joke he made, he's like, I thought she was gonna come back with a little guy, like, being like, hi. Oh, this is my Denver. Oh, it's just some dumb friends just hanging out. They got a league going. They got jerseys. They fucking high five each other.
- [23:54]
B
Ever since he told me that they call it Denver Dumb Friends League, we've started calling our dumb friends petsmart.
- [23:59]
A
Yeah, they're not dumb.
- [24:01]
B
They're pet smart.
- [24:01]
A
Yeah, they're pet smart. That's the level of intelligence. But my mom got a new dog, Freckles.
- [24:09]
B
Okay?
- [24:10]
A
And she was. She found Freckles.
- [24:13]
B
So Cute.
- [24:14]
A
Just very cute dog.
- [24:15]
B
Also, great backstory.
- [24:17]
A
I mean, horrific backstory.
- [24:19]
B
I meant, like, sorry. In terms of character development, it wasn't great as an experience for the dog, to be clear.
- [24:24]
A
I feel like you said it was great, all the horror, horrific shit she went through.
- [24:27]
B
I think I said she loved it and she should be grateful. The dog was clearly crate trained or potty trained. Like, it knew not to. So it had at some point a home or been trained, but it was found on, like, I'm going to get the type of blue collar work wrong, but like an oil rig or something. In Arizona. Yes. In New Mexico, the dog would, like, come up to the people that worked there and they would, like, feed the dog or whatever. And eventually they were like, this is a problem. We got to get this dog a home.
- [24:57]
A
It just kept coming back. Freckles just kept coming back. And oil workers were feeding her, like, their lunch or whatever. So they took her to a shelter.
- [25:07]
B
That a dumb friends league, if you will. A local group of dumb friends.
- [25:10]
A
Well, I'll tell you right now, these dumb friends, they like to kill each other because it was a kill. Shelter.
- [25:14]
B
Shelter. That's right. That's.
- [25:15]
A
So they reached out and they said, like, we got this dog in New Mexico. My mom liked the way that, you know, she thought Freckles was cute. So they sent her up. This dog is so sweet. It might be the sweetest dog I've ever met.
- [25:28]
B
My life, Myrtle was to me the most, like, lovey dovey, like, sweet little baby dog. This. Until I met Freckles. This dog wanted to touch you and. And mush into you and, like, give you her belly to be rubbed constantly.
- [25:44]
A
Yeah.
- [25:45]
B
In a way that I could see annoying other people. It did not annoy me.
- [25:49]
A
Yeah. Katie loved it.
- [25:50]
B
So sweet.
- [25:50]
A
Katie loved it. She was so get up on the couch. And Freckles would just, right, be up there, just putting her head on her or whatever. And I was. We were worried. So we were worried because Myrtle is an only child. She's an only dog. She's a pandemic dog. She's fucking weird. She's out here, girl, city girl out here just absolutely rocking babies anytime they're stepping up to her. And we were like, I hope there isn't a weird thing with my mom's new dog and Myrtle. And we got there, they sniffed some butts. Sniffed, sniffed puss. And then. And then started growling. There was some growling. There was some awkwardness the first day.
- [26:28]
B
Then fast friends.
- [26:29]
A
Fast friends got along like gangbusters. Wrestled non Stop.
- [26:33]
B
Humped Myrtle got her humps in and.
- [26:35]
A
This is what I was going to bring up. Myrtle learned about cow cheek bones. So Myrtle's tooth broke like a year ago. We stopped giving her like toys to chew on because the vet told us that dog toys are too firm now. So when dogs, they're too hard. So dogs bite them and their teeth break. That's what happened to Myrtle. So we had to have her tooth pulled. And so then we were just kind of like giving her.
- [26:57]
B
By the way, do you guys know that like vets don't do you have to get like a vet dentist?
- [27:01]
A
There's like.
- [27:02]
B
I was like, what?
- [27:03]
A
It's just, I thought it was a one stop shop.
- [27:05]
B
It's a dog. And these are the teeth of the dog.
- [27:07]
A
They go, no, I can get you, I can get you in with my vet.
- [27:10]
B
I need a referral. Can I go to my. Your vet? Yeah, I need like a.
- [27:15]
A
Our vet was like, no, but there's one by you that'll do tooth surgery. So we got, we had. And it cost a lot and it was, it sucked. And so we just kind of avoided giving her firm treats. We go to my mom's house. They're in Colorado. They got these giant cheekbone bones.
- [27:31]
B
They look like bones, but it's just a cheek rolled up on a shelf. The. Yeah, the cow.
- [27:37]
A
It's like hide. It's, it's, it's. People know. Exactly. We're talking about if you're a dog owner. Yeah, we're, we're being city hicks about this.
- [27:43]
B
But it's like hardened. But when you eat it and it gets wet, it like softens. And so she's like, you know, going to town on that and boy, did she like it.
- [27:52]
A
So Myrtle just grabs it. She just grabs freckles bone and starts eating it. And there is blood everywhere.
- [27:58]
B
Yeah.
- [27:58]
A
Because she hasn't chewed gums. She hasn't chewed anything. So her gums just bled. And we were like, this might be a problem.
- [28:04]
B
Like when Dan floss. It's about that time of year, isn't it?
- [28:09]
A
I don't have a retort because she's not wrong.
- [28:13]
B
Nobody floss.
- [28:14]
A
I go, it's just clumps of blood.
- [28:18]
B
Do this because all the blood, it's like, well, technically.
- [28:19]
A
And then I put Listerine in and I go, I put Listerine and I go, it burns. But Myrtle loved the cowhide bone with the blood and all. And it became her thing that now we can't let her do it because she holds it with her arms.
- [28:33]
B
Okay, can dog owners help us with this?
- [28:34]
A
Because first of all, fire off in the comments about Trish returning dogs. Is this normal? My mom reads the comments, so she will read all this stuff. So fire off. Let Trish know if she was right or wrong for returning a dog. Now, I think it's a good program, but awful.
- [28:50]
B
But, but, hey, but.
- [28:53]
A
But I know my mom's reading this Myrtle. She's gonna be, I guess, Dan, they're saying horrible if she starts. Don't comment. Trisha, if you're watching this, don't comment back.
- [29:02]
B
I think my dad commented on an Instagram post that Casuals posted today. I was like, dad, please don't do that.
- [29:07]
A
Stop. I know.
- [29:08]
B
I said, dad, you can't.
- [29:09]
A
This is the them dropping you off at school. You could just let me out a block away. Please stop. Stop following me.
- [29:15]
B
Don't pick me up at the door of the party.
- [29:17]
A
Stop liking my stuff on Instagram. Leave me alone. And she's like, I read these comments, like, stop. I kept my mom off Twitter. She never got on Twitter. I was happy about that one. But I know she's just up in these YouTube comments, so let her know. Second one, let her know about the cheekbones. Yeah.
- [29:34]
B
Cuz Myrtle holds it. I love it visually. She holds it like a person. She holds it between her paws. It's kind of like when she dogs.
- [29:41]
A
Using their paws as hands is one of the best things you will ever. If it's giving your hand, if it's anything. If they hold stuff with their paws.
- [29:49]
B
When she does this when she's tired.
- [29:52]
A
Classic Myrtle. You know when you stretch, when she stretches, she goes, it's great.
- [29:56]
B
Yeah, you got to see it live.
- [29:57]
A
We both do it.
- [29:58]
B
Really something. But she holds it and then she's slobbering away at this thing. And I never thought I would criticize my technically offspring's hairy arms, but her hairy arms is getting. It's caught in the hair and it's like not mange, but it's like stuck in. And when we gotta scrub her arms off, and I'm just like, how do I let you enjoy this wonderful treatment without it making you look like you don't have a place to go to sleep at night?
- [30:26]
A
Yeah, she looked homeless.
- [30:27]
B
She sleeps in bed with us and she looks like she lives outside.
- [30:31]
A
We at halftime of one of the divisional games had to draw a bath and both of us stand in the bath and wash her arms because her arms were so mangy from her eating these bones. And by the way, it's Nasty. Crazy about the bone. That's what she was doing over there. She was like trying to find it because I hid it while we were giving her the bath. And she came out, she's like, I know I still got a little bit of that bone left. I know.
- [30:53]
B
It's like a get in her face hairs.
- [30:55]
A
She acts like an alcoholic. Yeah. She comes out, she's like, I still got whiskey in that bottle.
- [30:59]
B
Yeah.
- [30:59]
A
Where the did you put that bottle?
- [31:01]
B
And so I just want to know, like, is there an easy to use product? Because we went through all the dog stuff we've bought to try to get that out of her.
- [31:08]
A
Didn't work.
- [31:09]
B
Short of shampooing her legs. How do I get that out? It's nasty. And people come into this house and she's like, she's got cow cheeks.
- [31:20]
A
She's a gross little on her.
- [31:21]
B
She's so nasty.
- [31:22]
A
I wouldn't have it any other way. But Freckles and her got along wonderfully, wonderfully. Until she gave. I don't want to say it was Freckles fault. I'm saying it's Freckles fault. She gave Myrtle an eye infection.
- [31:37]
B
Oh, a double eye infection.
- [31:39]
A
Where we.
- [31:40]
B
She got her.
- [31:42]
A
Were we like, looked. She looked high over the course of.
- [31:46]
B
The ride when we were driving to Chicago. Like we saw it the night before and we were like, oh, sometimes your dog's eyes just get red. Honestly, sometimes Myrtle gets so fired up about something that it's as if she's going inside of her. And then you look at her dog, you look at her eyes and their bloodshot. And it's just because she was like, I wanna hurt that baby.
- [32:08]
A
Yeah.
- [32:08]
B
And so when they were bloodshot, I'm like, maybe she just was excited we're leaving or something. I don't know.
- [32:13]
A
Can I take blame for that? Because I think she watches me podcast and want to blurt in with a joke. And I go, and that's her. So I think she picked that up from me.
- [32:24]
B
So you're holding it back.
- [32:26]
A
I can do a voice right now.
- [32:29]
B
But I couldn't. I want to finish their sentence. It's the hardest part of podcasting. But anyway, I thought maybe that was why your eyes were red. And then the next morning when we woke up and we were on a tight schedule, we had to drive to get.
- [32:41]
A
Get to our.
- [32:42]
B
To Bennegan.
- [32:42]
A
Well, well, well. This is the next chapter. We were driving from Chicago to Denver. And what we do for the you all you road dogs watching, we do Chicago to Carney, Nebraska. One day. And then we do Carney, Nebraska to Denver, which is about five or six hours. While we're going Chicago to Carney, Nebraska, we're passing through Toledo, Ohio. Beautiful. We notice there's a Bennigans right off the highway.
- [33:16]
B
It's on one of those highway signs. It's like food off this exit.
- [33:18]
A
Pimp's a city kid. Do you remember Bennigan's at all? Wow. If you grew up in the 90s, Bennigan's was. Bennigan's walked so Applebee's could run. Bennigan's was the first Chachki restaurant burbs.
- [33:33]
B
It was in your birds.
- [33:34]
A
It was in the burbs. Shout out to Monte Cristo. Shout out to their chicken tenders. Honey.
- [33:40]
B
Musty in general.
- [33:41]
A
Honey mustard. Dijon mustard.
- [33:43]
B
Yeah, they call it something like Dijon something that made me go, is that the same sauce? It is. It's the. It's honey mustard. But it's so good.
- [33:50]
A
We were driving from Chicago to Kearney, Nebraska, and we see a Bennigan's, and we're like, there's no way there's a Bennegans. So.
- [34:00]
B
But we weren't hungry. It wasn't time to eat.
- [34:02]
A
Yeah. It was like early in the morning. So we go. We drive to Kearney, then we go to Denver. And when we're in Denver, we're like, we're gonna.
- [34:10]
B
Why, Myrtle? Why cry? Why? What's happening?
- [34:16]
A
She wasn't getting any attention. That's why.
- [34:17]
B
Goodness gracious.
- [34:19]
A
So we're dry. We're in Denver, and we know we got to go to Chicago. We're not doing a straight shot, but our stopping point.
- [34:26]
B
Can move.
- [34:27]
A
Can move. And we know Toledo is about 10 hours, right. On a 15 hour drive from Denver. Chicago. That leaves us five the next day. Easy to do. That way. We're fun when we. When we. Because on our way back, when we land in Chicago, Kevin and Julie are just there. The parents aren't there. It's kid time. Now we just get to have kid fun.
- [34:45]
B
Yeah.
- [34:46]
A
So we're like, where do we stop? We looked it up in Toledo, and I was like, should we go to that Bennigan's? Turns out there's a Holiday Inn Express.
- [34:55]
B
The Bennigans is in a hotel.
- [34:56]
A
It's attached. Yeah, in the hotel. It was attached.
- [35:00]
B
That's in the hotel.
- [35:01]
A
No, no, you have to. To me, to me.
- [35:04]
B
Let's test this out. Yeah, let's litigate.
- [35:06]
A
I almost just. Oh, my God. It stuck to me.
- [35:09]
B
That's why was I silent or was I silent?
- [35:12]
A
You were silent. Shut your mouth, woman in a hotel means you walk in the door of the hotel and the restaurant is in the hotel.
- [35:20]
B
Okay.
- [35:21]
A
Versus connected, which has a completely separate entrance. You don't even need to go in the hotel to go in the restaurant. You can just. Just go in the restaurant and you can leave.
- [35:29]
B
For the brevity and time on the podcast, I'll. Fine.
- [35:32]
A
Also, because you just got smoked in that argument.
- [35:34]
B
Just as, like a silly argument. Like, a lot of times they have a separate entrance, and it still opens up to the lobby. Like, a lot of times this one.
- [35:39]
A
Didn'T open up the lobby.
- [35:40]
B
Okay. And that's. And that's fine. So it's just like. Does it mean a lot to you to win this?
- [35:45]
A
Yeah, clearly. And there obviously was no entrance to the Bennegans through the hotel. You had to go outside.
- [35:50]
B
Then it's not connected. That's different. No, it's not attached at all. Attached means there's a door. I feel like I'm losing my mind here. Let's not.
- [35:59]
A
Let's not in the hotel.
- [36:00]
B
Okay.
- [36:01]
A
It's connected.
- [36:01]
B
They're in the same building. When you go into the hotel. When we checked in, there's a Bennigan's.
- [36:07]
A
Menu in the room because they know it's walking distance.
- [36:09]
B
I'm gonna lose my mind. Basically, we found out the thing that we want.
- [36:13]
A
This is the kind of arguments. I want all the smoke on to.
- [36:16]
B
A thing that we could stay at that was dog friendly. Because that would usually. That's like the. Like, oh, that's a hotel, but not dog friendly.
- [36:22]
A
When I saw that it was dog.
- [36:23]
B
Friendly, I was like, we're staying at the Bennegans Hotel.
- [36:25]
A
We're staying at Bennegan's. At the Bennegans in Bennigan. In. But so we get like, that's it, Ben. Yeah. American. Stupid American.
- [36:38]
B
Rename your franchise what a Silly America In. But it's American.
- [36:42]
A
And this is coming from Two Road Dogs. Fuck. Your stupid name for your motel. Who. Your outdoor. The rooms open outdoors. Are calling it American.
- [36:52]
B
I'm America on that.
- [36:57]
A
But we got so excited in Denver that we're like, all right, we'll drive to Bennigan's. And then as we're driving there, we're like, Myrtle's eyes are.
- [37:05]
B
These are crusted clothes.
- [37:07]
A
Which, of course, then, like any dog owner, you turn on the other dog that got your dog sick. So I kept being like, Skittles or whatever the.
- [37:16]
B
Her name Is the amount of names you gave the dog. Skittles got us pebbles. Got our dog all screwed up.
- [37:22]
A
Yeah. And I was just so mad about it. And I me, I called vet. When I was passenger Princess, I called and I found a vet that we had to take her to early in the morning to get eye drops because we didn't want to take her to Chicago with those things.
- [37:38]
B
But man, because imagine the dog gives Charlotte an eye infection. They're gonna ask me to put her down. I don't know what to. I was like, we gotta put up a wall.
- [37:47]
A
It's way worse than a sack.
- [37:48]
B
Way worse.
- [37:49]
A
That's way worse. That is a full on thing. But we found a vet. More importantly, she was sick. And we got Bennegan and it ruled.
- [37:58]
B
She just, like, slept on the bed and we were just.
- [38:01]
A
Oh, my God, the tendies mix.
- [38:04]
B
We watched something bad. Yep. Remembering what it was.
- [38:07]
A
We watched something that was cringy. Y cringe Watch while eating Bennegan.
- [38:12]
B
Very fun.
- [38:13]
A
And I'll tell you, man, I forgot that the Monte Cristo comes in four slices. First three are heaven. Fourth one's tough to get through.
- [38:20]
B
And I watched you, like a good soldier, be like, I'm never gonna be able to. I'm not gonna be close to a Ben against soon. I owe it to the sandwich to get it down. And then, like, halfway through that fourth one, you were like, you know, the whole thing's deep fried. And you could just see you being.
- [38:36]
A
Like, yeah, I had the jelly dip, which it comes with. Fantastic. Weird.
- [38:41]
B
I didn't know that.
- [38:42]
A
Love it. Raspberry jelly dip. And then I mix it up with the ranch for a little. For a little savory. That's.
- [38:49]
B
I mean, that's. He's sick. He's sick.
- [38:50]
A
I don't have a sense of smell.
- [38:52]
B
I had to let go of his taste combos when I made. Was it buttered noodles. And we're like, yeah. You put hot sauce in it.
- [39:05]
A
Yeah.
- [39:06]
B
It's like, oh, yeah. What are we doing? Oh, yeah, what are we doing?
- [39:08]
A
Oh, yeah.
- [39:10]
B
It doesn't benefit me to. To. To. I just let your freak flag fly. When it comes to your ranch, I turn a blind eye out of.
- [39:21]
A
You know, I eat like a man without a sense of smell who insists.
- [39:25]
B
His sense of taste is no different.
- [39:27]
A
No, it's. It has been severely handicapped.
- [39:31]
B
Yeah.
- [39:31]
A
But you know what kicks through ranch?
- [39:34]
B
Hot sauce.
- [39:35]
A
Hot sauce.
- [39:35]
B
I do know that. I've noticed that in sweets.
- [39:40]
A
And the sugary sweetness of things. Yeah. It. That Bennigan's I felt bad. I was really kind of hoping for an in restaurant experience with some merch. I really had a whole thing dreamed up. And let me tell you, right now, Bennegan's ain't doing so hot.
- [39:54]
B
Yeah. The crazy thing about it, you go.
- [39:56]
A
In that Bennegans and you go, I have seen restaurants that are in lobbies of hotels much better run than this.
- [40:03]
B
Yeah. I feel like in New York, you'd rarely find a restaurant at this point on a delivery app that doesn't have a section where it's like T shirts, hats, and you're like, I'm a $75 T shirt from the place. I get my chicken parm. At first it was weird, but now I'm used to it.
- [40:19]
A
In fact, usually it means it's good merch.
- [40:22]
B
In fact, one time we had disagreed against small little fight like we have. It bothered me that I was in charge of remembering which restaurants we ordered to stuff from. There was a kids get to say, I want that bagel. And I pushed back and I said, and where's that bagel from? And he was like, I don't know. Well, I have to know the name of the place or something. And so then I bought as the punchline to soften the blow. When the bagels arrived, they came with a T shirt. And I said, now you'll never forget what this bagel place is called.
- [40:51]
A
It was Baz Bagel. Over a bazillion sold.
- [40:54]
B
Yeah, over a bazillion sold.
- [40:56]
A
But they had a really good egg sandwich. And I was like, no, I want the egg sandwich. And she was like, what's the name of the place? And it was one of those things where it's really. It was really one of those things early enough in the morning where I go, I don't know. And she goes, so what? You just. I'm just supposed to know? And I was like, it's just. It's just you order the egg sandwich and then you're like, well, why don't you learn the name? And then we could have it. I was like, I take Myrtle for a walk. And, you know, that walk was just spicy.
- [41:19]
B
That's the thing about you is you just gotta know he's arguing with you in his head on the walk. And so I can either argue with him and then when we meet back up, have, like two separate arguments at each other, or I can just go like, y' all spend the 35 on a T shirt he might never wear. I do think it's worth it. For him to open it up and be like, why is there? And then I'll just be smiling with my sweet little face. And then he'll laugh and, oh, we'll kiss.
- [41:44]
A
Yep. And we did.
- [41:45]
B
That's pretty much what happened.
- [41:46]
A
And that is pretty much what happened. And I love that shirt. I love my bass. I love my Baz bagel shirt over a bazillion salt. I wear it all the time.
- [41:52]
B
But Bennigans, I think you could really. If you're not on the way out, maybe they're just like, hey, lady, we're playing music as the ship goes those down.
- [41:58]
A
Yeah, it felt like that, but it.
- [42:00]
B
Was like, if you guys just sold a green Bennigan's crew neck sweatshirt. Honestly, like a champion. Almost like the old champ. I would buy that.
- [42:11]
A
Go for comfort, Bennigans. All these people, I feel like comedians got too good at selling merch, and restaurants got worse at it. It always used to be when you walked in, remember that place I showed you that's now closed down, called Emerald Isle? The place that I worked at in Aurora?
- [42:26]
B
Yes.
- [42:27]
A
It was like the view or something. Yeah. It was a view of the reservoir in the mountains. It was beautiful. It just recently closed.
- [42:32]
B
Is that where the lady drove out onto the ice?
- [42:34]
A
No, that was Yaya's in the Denver Tech Center. I'll tell that story in a little bit. That was nuts. I worked at Emerald Isle, which. That was my first job. It was illegal. I was 14, and I was busing tables there. They paid me cash in an envelope and gave me Marlboro Lights, and they had the best merch. You would go in. It was like a shitty Mexican restaurant. Great bar, unbelievable patio. That was all the money was booze, shitty tacos and burritos and fire T shirts. Emerald Isle, which is named for Ireland, but it's a Mexican restaurant. I don't know. Emerald Isle. Little thing on the front back. If you're from Aurora or you live in Colorado, I bet someone out. I bet someone watching this got an emerald aisle shirt, and they go, it is a good shirt.
- [43:21]
B
Yeah.
- [43:21]
A
Good merch at a restaurant's what you want. Yeah, I don't want. Like, I was expecting to go into Bennigan's. My plan, my fantasy booking. This was. I was gonna go downstairs, walk into Bennigan's and get you a cute little small sweatshirt, get myself a reliable T shirt and a comfy hoodie.
- [43:40]
B
Yeah.
- [43:41]
A
For Sunday.
- [43:41]
B
You were gonna spend it all.
- [43:43]
A
I was willing to drop 200 on merch at Bennett.
- [43:46]
B
Wow. And that's what we do with our money.
- [43:48]
A
Ball is in your court. I was willing to drop 200 instead.
- [43:52]
B
That could save a whole restaurant.
- [43:53]
A
Instead, I spent $55 on a Monte Cristo and some chicken tenders. Was not bummed about that. No, just saying that could have been a 300 bill, which I would have tipped 60 even on merch. Yeah, Just saying.
- [44:04]
B
Could have been. Could have turned money into money.
- [44:06]
A
And then the others you were thinking was I waited table. I didn't wait tables. I bust tables at a place called Yaya's, still in existence at. In the Denver Tech Center. And when I was in high school, there was a snowstorm. It's on the Yaya's is like up a hill. And on the corner of where the streets meet, there's a pond. Like a small pond. I don't know how deep it is, but it's. It's. It's. It's not that small. It's actually pretty. Pretty big. But it's not like a lake or anything. Yeah, it's like a pond that's in a tech center thing.
- [44:45]
B
Yeah. Everyone's picturing exactly what you mean.
- [44:48]
A
I think snowed. There was light snow over everything. The pond was frozen.
- [44:53]
B
Yeah.
- [44:53]
A
An elderly lady and her friend were going to the restaurant. I worked at Yaya's for lunch. They did not know it was a pond. They thought it was a parking lot. These women drove onto the pond. The car went into the water. One of my managers saw it happen.
- [45:11]
B
Crazy.
- [45:12]
A
Grabbed a propane tank from the heat torches from outside, like on the patio as the car was going into. So the pond was deep enough that the car could go like this. He threw one of the propane tanks through the back window. Pulled one woman out. Another woman. The. The driver died. And I worked that night.
- [45:33]
B
Worked that night. Night.
- [45:35]
A
Pretty slow.
- [45:36]
B
Open pretty slow.
- [45:38]
A
No one came in. They caught me pretty quickly. There it was. But it was wild. And shout out. Patrick, my manager, had such coke energy that you were like, what a manager to be on board. Not the guy that's wanting, making the schedule, trying to get. But the guy that's like, guys, you didn't do your side work. And then you're like, hey, there's an accident. He's like, and if I get through and pull the lady out.
- [46:00]
B
Crazy. The quickness you have to come up with. I would have been like, what should I. And if I could. And I just paralyzed by all the ways I could save them. And they would die.
- [46:07]
A
It was a tragedy. A woman died. I just remember Being at work that night, like, staring at the pond through the window, being like, this is up. And then they're like, can you pre.
- [46:18]
B
Bust 46 silverware when you're a lady Died here.
- [46:23]
A
But also as a high schooler, when you. You get cut early.
- [46:27]
B
Yeah.
- [46:27]
A
It is, like, probably the best.
- [46:28]
B
Because that ruled. Even when you're an adult and you need rent, it's like, suddenly I'm not.
- [46:34]
A
At work anymore and my mom thinks I'm at work.
- [46:36]
B
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
- [46:38]
A
Didn't think mom thinks I'm at work till 11.
- [46:40]
B
Yeah.
- [46:40]
A
Because that's when I get cut. I think I'm gonna go to Zach Moore's house. Think I'm gonna smoke weed and play N64 Mario Tennis.
- [46:47]
B
Of course.
- [46:48]
A
Of course you are. And then go, sorry, mom, that.
- [46:50]
B
I'm glad you brought that up because we don't have. We have not yet told anybody. I've had no platform with which to share that on. We golf when we go home for Christmas.
- [46:59]
A
You're trying to get Trish to punch through a wall.
- [47:02]
B
Let me have this. Let me have this. It has nothing to do with what Trish shot. We don't know what Trish shot. Not being mentioned in the story.
- [47:08]
A
So there is a tradition at my mom's house where we play old Nintendo Wii Golf. My mom and I have been playing it for 10 years. However long it's been since the Nintendo Wii came out, we've been playing Wii Sports Golf. You can play nine holes total. You can't even get 18. I know there's a new game, but there's too many.
- [47:27]
B
Isn't that talking about the old one?
- [47:28]
A
We're talking about the old one, and we love it so much that we play it on Christmas, which you have for the last three years.
- [47:35]
B
And I was new to it, and I'm not. I got what would usually happen. If we're being honest. I would have like a. I do okay. And then all of a sudden, I'd have like a round where I was like 10 over. And then I'd be like, this sucks. And I would just woo. It's like real golf. Truly. I'll have a couple good ones. And then I'm like, I'm just here for the beer. I do not want to do this anymore because it gets too frustrating.
- [47:56]
A
And by the way, I've had meltdowns. I've watched Trisha have meltdowns.
- [47:59]
B
I try to be a good sport. I know we're there to. To interact socially.
- [48:02]
A
Very fun. Usually Trish makes a cocktail we'll smoke a bowl. We get up there, you know, Chip King. Katie comes in Christmas of 2024. 4. Now, the records, the records are the best I've ever shot on Nintendo WWII. Golf is 8 under. My mom has shot a 7 under. Those are very hard to get. Usually you're like five under, and then you start bricking on the last two holes.
- [48:28]
B
They show you a little line graph of how you've done over time. And they are up here. And mine goes like, I'm always at the bottom.
- [48:36]
A
Katie comes in day after Christmas. I think it was the day after Christmas.
- [48:39]
B
I don't know what got in Christmas might have been Trish's Baileys that got into me.
- [48:42]
A
Yeah, my mom makes Bailey's. She makes Bailey's homemade Bailey's, which are my coffee. I'm telling you right now. That was when I quit drinking. That was the one of the things she was genuinely bummed about.
- [48:52]
B
I know.
- [48:52]
A
She goes, you can't have the Bailey's anymore. And you're like, yeah, it's all whiskey. Yeah, I, I, no, I can't. She has some. She got a little Colorado Dube in her. Yeah, has some Baileys. Fucking Katie comes out, shoots 8 under. Ties the record. She holds the record. That record's been there for fucking six years.
- [49:14]
B
And I've never sniffed it. I've never come closer. Even came close the. The throne at all.
- [49:20]
A
And now Katie is up there on the mountain.
- [49:22]
B
It was right after I shot a seven under the game before, which was also crazy. I don't know what happened that day. I just want to get it on wax because they don't think it's ever going to happen again. I want to make sure I celebrate my wins.
- [49:33]
A
Why can't 2025 at the end of this year be the year that you get? Or when we, if we go out there during the summer, nine under.
- [49:41]
B
Because if I'm honest, I didn't learn anything from the experience. There was no, like, oh, here's what it is. I've cracked the code. I think I, it just was a perfect moment of all the right things working together. And I, I'm, I, I'll be chasing that.
- [49:55]
A
You know, what happened, what got out of your own way.
- [49:58]
B
Yeah. Ain't that life.
- [50:00]
A
Ain't that life, Hopefully. And look what that led to.
- [50:02]
B
I stayed my own way a lot.
- [50:04]
A
Bennigans. I think this podcast is going to lead to someone at Bennigan's corporate getting us some pretty nice sweatshirts.
- [50:11]
B
Yeah.
- [50:11]
A
If I could say so much, I'LL just make it myself.
- [50:14]
B
Yeah, you can do that.
- [50:15]
A
We'll just make your own sweatshirt now.
- [50:16]
B
Should do that.
- [50:17]
A
Bennigans, what are you doing?
- [50:19]
B
Which, by the way, when does this come out?
- [50:21]
A
Next week.
- [50:23]
B
Oh, I was gonna say if it came out anytime this week. Kevin's birthday is on Thursday.
- [50:26]
A
Happy birthday, Kevin.
- [50:27]
B
Happy birthday, Kevin.
- [50:27]
A
It was last Thursday. Yeah, it's actually your birthday today. Today it's gonna come out on your birthday. Happy birthday, Katie.
- [50:34]
B
Hey, thanks, guys.
- [50:35]
A
Tell everybody. Tell Katie, happy birthday, everybody. And listen to her podcast, Casuals, which is everywhere that podcasts are available. Yeah, go, like, subscribe. It's great. Episode one is Stavros. Episode two.
- [50:49]
B
We know. We think, but he's not confirmed, so I don't want to say episode three.
- [50:54]
A
Could be me.
- [50:55]
B
It's your boy.
- [50:56]
A
Might be me. Might be recording it today.
- [50:57]
B
Why would you do that while doing that? Plug in the podcast and itching your balls.
- [51:02]
A
He's not gonna show it.
- [51:03]
B
It's not that casual. Yeah, listen to casuals, if you want.
- [51:07]
A
To call it that. You better be ready to live that.
- [51:09]
B
Can I just say here, because we are in the podcast referenced in what I'm about to say. I think I sit usually right on the other side of this wall and just like, say hi to your guests.
- [51:19]
A
And.
- [51:19]
B
And then I'm just hanging out. And after enough of doing that, I was like, you know what? Let's just make a podcast.
- [51:26]
A
I have to sit on the sidelines and watch this podcast happen in my apartment.
- [51:30]
B
I hope that didn't sound like that. I meant, like, I hear you making people laugh and laughing with people, and I just feel like, you know, that that meme that went viral a while ago of somebody, like, with the billboard, and he's sitting there, he's like, me listening to a podcast, and it's like them all laughing in the ad, and. And he's eating, going like. I just felt like I was laughing at the conversations. You were. And I was like, I should. I gotta. And so rather than do what I always do, which is like, I don't want to start back up until I have exactly what the thing is that I want to make, and I want to make it perfect. I was like, let's just. Look, everybody's got a podcast, so go make a podcast. And if it sucks, no one's going to notice because nobody cares because everybody has a podcast. So I'm just making a podcast.
- [52:10]
A
You're just back out there.
- [52:11]
B
I'm just trying to get back out there so that it doesn't feel like doing something is doing a million things. I just need to get back into the groove of stuff and. And figure it out. And the concept of casuals seems easy enough to me. It's just like, sports for people that, like, feel like sports leaves them out. Or sports for people that are like, I don't really care like that. Or sports for people that just want to know a little bit about everything going on.
- [52:36]
A
Sports. Now it's became, especially with gambling money, a very intense thing where everyone that talks about sports seems like they're doing it to make money instead of just enjoying it for the fandom, of just being like, hey, I like this, and I just want to talk about it because I like it. It's like trying to drive home a point or get across, like, a bet that you should make instead of.
- [52:58]
B
And, oh, my God, I have no idea what bet you should make. I don't even bet my own money. Don't let me tell you what to do with your money. I don't know about mine, but it's.
- [53:07]
A
Also like, man, there is a. There is a whole slice of the pie that's missing of just like, I just like sports. I just, like, I miss baseball because it's on during the day and I can watch the Tigers and the Blue Jays.
- [53:19]
B
Great.
- [53:20]
A
And just enjoy it and not be like, my parlay is fucked because Ramirez didn't hit fucking for the cycle.
- [53:26]
B
Before gambling was legal, I was very like, hey, let people make their own decisions. Don't tell them what to. It could help reinvigorate the economy. What?
- [53:34]
A
Ha.
- [53:34]
B
What my issue with it is is that once it was legal, it was everywhere. There was no, like, hey, maybe every single show isn't brought to you by DraftKings. Hey, maybe every commercial break shouldn't have three ads featuring the most popular athletes telling me how to lose my money today. Yeah, maybe, like, I just was thinking about, like, little me and, like, little me didn't really feel reflected anyway in sports media growing up. But, like, at least I could watch, you know, like, Stuart Scott and. And, like, watch the sport of it and be surprised and interested by the sport of it. Or like Kenny Maine without being like, oh, and also, it just feels so tied to gambling now that I think a younger fan would have a hard time going like, oh, this can exist separate from this.
- [54:22]
A
Yeah.
- [54:22]
B
And I kind of want casuals to be like, hey, you can gamble or you can not gamble, but we're not brought to you by gambling. Yeah, hopefully. I mean, cut to me a year from now being like, I couldn't make any money.
- [54:32]
A
There you go, Fanduel. Welcome to Fanduel. Myrtle Fanduel. She could. They control our dog now. Yeah.
- [54:39]
B
They do have the most money in sports, and they are, to their credit, they're making content. But, like, everybody's getting paid by that. And I am like, if you made me tell people what to gamble on and then they lost their house, and then someone came to me and said that to me. I'm not. I'm not built that way. I'm built different parentheses, derogatory. I am like, if you come up to me and say, I lost my house because of a thing you told me to do, I'm like, I'm so. I crumble.
- [55:06]
A
Yeah.
- [55:06]
B
I already think I'm the worst person on earth most of the time. And, like, if somebody. I would just. It's too much. And so I just want to, like, talk about sports and be silly. I don't want to feel like everybody's got to know everything. I don't feel like my house is on the line. It's just like, don't you love sports? Sports crazy.
- [55:22]
A
I'm happy you have it, because there's so many times where we watch sports and have so many good bits that has nowhere to go. That has nowhere to go. And now you have a whole home for all our little fun little bits that happen during seasons.
- [55:38]
B
Oh, can I ask you this? And you can cut this out of the podcast if it's not good podcast content, but it was an issue I ran into today where basically. And I don't know what to do in these situations. I want you to tell me. I'll be talking to someone about something, and it basically walks into a bit of yours. I today stopped Stavi and I was like, yes, and I agree, but this is a like a joke of Dan's, and I don't want to basically just quote Dan's joke. So I'm gonna make us abandon this very funny topic.
- [56:04]
A
Watch my comic bring up it.
- [56:06]
B
I'm trying to think. If you. If we can sit in silence for 20 seconds, I think I can remember it.
- [56:11]
A
Impossible to try it. Put the counter up.
- [56:16]
B
What was it? Oh, no. What was it?
- [56:23]
A
Was it my bit about how I'm a generous lover?
- [56:26]
B
No.
- [56:27]
A
Okay, we're back in. You didn't even need to see that.
- [56:30]
B
What do I do in that situation? That's the right thing, right? Because.
- [56:34]
A
Oh, soda has a bit about this.
- [56:35]
B
Okay, you want soda.
- [56:37]
A
I said it. That was for my brain. Love of My life.
- [56:40]
B
Because that's exactly what I did. I said, I agree. But Dan has this joke. The man.
- [56:44]
A
I think my wife calls me Soda. I mean, my mom does. Why wouldn't you?
- [56:49]
B
The man I love the most has this bit. Yeah, let's back away out of respect.
- [56:54]
A
Oh, no, no, no. Yeah. I don't know. I don't really like or get into it and be like, oh, so and so has a bit. But.
- [57:02]
B
But then my fear is I just burned your joke on my podcast.
- [57:07]
A
Standup's different. Standup's different. Standup is like, there's always a regret that I have when I go like, oh, I kind of have a bit that goes like this. Because you're not just doing it the service of, like, performing the bit and, like, getting into it and hitting the punchline. There's like, you know, and comedy is. Especially when it's conversational and that kind of stuff. You're going to bump into stuff that people have said that. They go, like, I said that. And you go like, well, it's not really like, Sam Rill has a bit about Abraham Lincoln being gay. I have a bit about Abraham Lincoln being gay. It is two totally different jokes.
- [57:41]
B
It's so funny how specific that is. Yeah.
- [57:44]
A
And because he said it last night when I got off stage at the Cellar. There's a comic, Pete at the Cellar, that was doing a joke about his grandmother dying at the age 103. I have a joke.
- [57:53]
B
I mean, people. People's grandmothers die.
- [57:55]
A
So it's just like there's. There's topics. So if you bump into the topic, I think the safe thing to do is go so and so has a bit about it. But then you. You're like ear tagging it. And then you're like, all right, now we can just around and joke around about it.
- [58:08]
B
You're very good at that because your brain, you can hear a joke once. Like, you watched Chappelle's Monologue and you came out and you could recite it for me word for word. And it didn't even look like it took you that much effort to remember.
- [58:21]
A
Yeah, it was great. Your brain monologue was great.
- [58:24]
B
Is wild. Your brain, when it comes to comedy, is wild. I think it's why people always come up to you and they're like, hey, tell you a joke. And then they go, does anybody have that yet? Oh, yeah, you can go. Dan goes, no.
- [58:34]
A
One of the most embarrassing moments of my life was when Dave Attell called me and he was like, anybody have this bit? I'VE told you a ton of times, but he just, like, did a bunch of jokes. And I go, oh, but for this one, you could say, like, serial. And he goes, not looking for tags. And then hung up. And I was like, but yeah, I think a lot of comics are like that. I think when you just, like, especially writing jokes, you're like, oh, I know that. It's. I bet musicians are a lot like that too. Where they go like, so and so has a song that goes, ba ba ba ba ba ba ba. Like, when. I always find it interesting in documentaries when musicians talk. They did that one about Quincy Jones organizing the.
- [59:14]
B
The aid. The.
- [59:15]
A
The world aid or whatever it was. And watching they talk about him writing a song with Michael Jackson. And Michael Jackson was just like, no, but the hook can go. I follow. That's my big thing in my algorithm on Instagram right now are old white dudes who have podcasts with old musicians. And they talk about being pimp's nodding. You know what I'm talking about. Where they'll be in the studio and they'll go like. Then he looked at me and said, you got a drum fill for that? And I said that. And you're like, I love this. I'm like, so into that. Specifically.
- [59:49]
B
Yeah.
- [59:49]
A
That's what's great about social media is you can find stuff like that where you're like, creatively, that's such a fun.
- [59:54]
B
Itch to scratch scroll because it finished. And all of a sudden you're just watching a person eat quickly, eat a lot of food quickly, or you're watching a person pretend to be AI.
- [60:05]
A
I prefer, hey, watch me eat all these pancakes. That's how you know we're in trouble.
- [60:11]
B
Hey.
- [60:14]
A
We were saying when TikTok shut down, we were doing. We were doing End of the World Pinky Doll, where she's just in a tent and you just pay money to go in there and she goes, oh. And you give her $5.
- [60:28]
B
She takes the money. Like, it got me feeling like a cowgirl. Let me run it.
- [60:32]
A
And she goes, give me five. Just keep giving her money. You're like, oh, tick tock. In person is such a funny idea. Just people just being like, give me more money.
- [60:40]
B
Give me. Everything's absurd.
- [60:43]
A
But overall, the Christmas trip this year, fantastic. Fantastic. We didn't get snowed in Nebraska. We didn't get into too many arguments.
- [60:52]
B
We didn't get pulled over. We got pulled over last year in Gary, Indiana. Somebody was going a little too fast.
- [60:58]
A
A little too fast, too furious. And she was Like, I'm gonna start the day out driving. I was like, all right. And then she got pulled over right as I was loading the one hitter.
- [61:05]
B
So not great.
- [61:06]
A
Thank God I didn't rip that bad boy. Because when I'm passenger princess.
- [61:10]
B
Yeah. Smokes a lot of weed, and I don't smoke weed and drive, wake and bake. I'm not.
- [61:14]
A
I'm the passenger princess. But I'm in my sweat. I'm in my sweats with my coffee like this. And I go, I kind of want to get really high right now. And you don't want to get really high. And I want to listen to music. That's me as a passenger.
- [61:27]
B
I said, we got.
- [61:30]
A
Oh, my God.
- [61:31]
B
That's risky.
- [61:32]
A
Yeah. Dude. She loves pimp. Look at her. She gets in there, she finds her way in there. But it was a great trip. I love doing it. I think it's a thing that we can do while we're young and sexy.
- [61:42]
B
Yeah. Which we are both.
- [61:44]
A
Check and check, check and check. It's just a very fun way to do Christmas to see everybody, to get the. And then we got to spend an extra day in Colorado, see the family.
- [61:53]
B
Yeah. It's a long trip by the end of it. Dying to just be home. And I keep saying to whoever's around, like, this is no offense to you. I just really want to sleep in my own bed.
- [62:03]
A
Yeah. It was two weeks.
- [62:04]
B
Yeah. It's a long time to be gone. But you are so easy to road trip with. You're just, you know, the guy. And it's.
- [62:13]
A
Thanks.
- [62:13]
B
It's great. I like spending time with you. I like spending time with, like, little swaths of the family and getting little things in.
- [62:19]
A
Yeah.
- [62:20]
B
I got, like, a scalp massage treatment in Chicago with Julie. We did a little spa treatment.
- [62:25]
A
It's very fun. It's very fun to, like, be in Chicago one day, be in Denver the next, come all the way and then come back home and not do anything.
- [62:32]
B
We're jet setters.
- [62:33]
A
Yeah.
- [62:34]
B
And then we did not. The whole month of January has been so nice. I've been so spoiled.
- [62:38]
A
Yeah.
- [62:38]
B
Because you just haven't been on the road.
- [62:40]
A
But I'm back on the road. Dance. Otter.com get tickets, please. Go.
- [62:45]
B
Because otherwise I'm just like, you're not hanging out for no reason.
- [62:48]
A
Yeah.
- [62:49]
B
So buy. Sell that out.
- [62:50]
A
Huntsville, Alabama. I'm bringing the sag daddy with me. And then California trip. You might be with me on that one.
- [62:57]
B
Depends.
- [62:57]
A
It depends on what we got going on.
- [62:59]
B
Depends on what's going On. I mean, what's going on over there?
- [63:01]
A
I don't know, because we do have the. February 28th, I'll be in San Diego at the Balboa Theater. March 1st, supposed to be at the United Theater in Los Angeles. We're still seeing. A, if people are coming out to shows. B, if we can take some of that money and donate it to a cause that can help people that lost stuff in the fires, great. But March 2nd, I'm going to be at the palace of Fine Arts in San Francisco. Shout Out Cubs Comedy Club. I'm going to be in San Francisco at Palace Fine Arts March 2. So dancer.com for tickets. More most importantly, don't keep going under.
- [63:34]
B
Don't do that. It's crazy.
- [63:36]
A
The Casuals. Just. Casuals. Not the. Why did I put the Wild choice? I've been there since you came up with the name Casuals. Go listen to it. It's very funny. Brought to you by Sirius xm. So Katie went and got a work badge.
- [63:50]
B
Okay. But it's. Oh, I don't have it on me. I took it off, but I'm not. But it's not a SiriusXM show.
- [63:55]
A
It's.
- [63:56]
B
It's very confusing because people are like, you gotta pay for that. I'm like, not their podcasts. I don't get it either, to be clear.
- [64:01]
A
Yeah.
- [64:02]
B
It's just they're helping me launch it. It's a partnership.
- [64:04]
A
Yeah, it's a partnership of. They're helping produce it for the first year. But it's your podcast.
- [64:09]
B
Yes.
- [64:09]
A
It is not a serious XM show. It is just that. But she does have a SiriusXM work badge, which does feel weird seeing it on the counter and being like, it's.
- [64:17]
B
Got to be tough.
- [64:17]
A
I had one. Do you want me to put mine next to yours?
- [64:19]
B
And when I had to go to 1221 to, like, do stuff to prep for the podcast, and I would run into, like, Jay and Christine coming in, and I was like, hey, guys. I first saw Jacob, and Jacob's like, what are you doing here? And just looked at me like, when you see a teacher at the mall and you're like, out of context, why? And I was like, hi, I have a podcast here. And I think he genuinely went like, okay. And gave me a hug.
- [64:41]
A
Should. You should. With people. And go. I made him leave so I could have it all to myself.
- [64:46]
B
Exactly right. We can't be in the same place.
- [64:47]
A
I can't.
- [64:48]
B
I move, you know, in the shadows. People think I'm a sweetie, but Actually coming for everything.
- [64:53]
A
You have it all timed out. It is very funny, though, that.
- [64:55]
B
And come see me on tour as a standup comic.
- [64:58]
A
Just kidding.
- [64:58]
B
I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.
- [65:00]
A
Full heel turn, turn. Full heel turn. She's like, and I don't care.
- [65:03]
B
You would have had to have cheated on me or died. Those are the only two ways that.
- [65:07]
A
Ever happens if I die. Grab.
- [65:10]
B
I'll just tell your jokes.
- [65:11]
A
Yeah.
- [65:12]
B
Do what I stopped myself from doing on my podcast.
- [65:14]
A
Grab that blue notebook, because there's like nine bangers in there. And then just.
- [65:17]
B
I'll stop worrying about stepping on them because they'll all be mine now.
- [65:20]
A
Yeah. And she goes, oh, I can run in the field free. Fancy free Casuals. Go download it if you want to.
- [65:28]
B
Honestly, just like, hit subscribe and then, like, later, unsubscribe.
- [65:31]
A
And also comment section is returning a dog within two weeks.
- [65:37]
B
Okay, I don't know why you're making this happen because now Trish is going to hate it even more because their comments are going to be about her. But really quick on Casuals, one last thing. I talked to, like, itunes, and I was like, hey, if people want to give me a one star review, should they click? Which one star do they click? And they said the one all the way on the right. Okay, so if you want to give a one star review all the way.
- [65:58]
A
To the right all the way.
- [65:59]
B
It's like kind of. It's like Hebrew. You read it the other way. So to hit the one star and they're all going to light up yellow. Don't worry about that. It's a bug. Hit the one star.
- [66:07]
A
That's right.
- [66:08]
B
Right.
- [66:08]
A
Great. And then that's it. You don't even have to comment.
- [66:10]
B
No, you. You do not need to tell me what you think. Yeah, I already know Casual. Now what's happening? You've now twice said it wrong. It's casuals. It's not the casuals. And it's not casual. It's Casuals.
- [66:23]
A
Casualize. Relax. Check out her new podcast, relaxation. Okay, here. That's not even what it's called.