Daniel Foxx - Born to be a sardine

Summary

Sofieland with Sofie Hagen

Episode: Daniel Foxx - Born to be a sardine

Release Date: June 9, 2026
Guest: Daniel Foxx
Location: Melbourne, Australia

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Sofie Hagen welcomes comedian Daniel Foxx for a hilariously candid and wide-ranging conversation in Melbourne. Their chat delves deeply into travel mishaps, quirks of tour life, embarrassing confessions, book tastes, queer dating dynamics, pop culture, and their own silly laws for the fantasy land of “Sofieland.” It’s a playful, often self-deprecating, and deeply queer exploration of everyday chaos, friendship, and the peculiarities of both themselves and the world around them.

Tone: Warm, irreverent, openly queer, self-revealing, and frequently absurd.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Travel & Hotel Mishaps

• Melbourne Setting: Both Sofie and Daniel are in the city for shows; Daniel's just arrived and already has notable hotel stories.
• Housekeeping Anxiety:
  • Daniel shares anxiety about hotel cleaners finding personal items (“douche and butt plug”) and poorly timed towel-folding ([04:18]).
  • They joke about packing choices and the need—or not—for travel sex toys, with riffs on improvised solutions and healthy cucumbers ([05:53]).
• Sofie’s Experience:
  • Sofie describes being mistaken for someone “up to something” by hotel staff because of camera setups and aversion to cleaners, even resulting in wellness checks ([08:09]).

2. Symmetry, Cameras, and Vanity

• Daniel humorously laments their own facial asymmetry and plays with the idea of “good sides” in pictures ([02:58]).
• “This is a natural conversation between two friends into microphones.” – Sofie ([03:58])
• Joking about mirrors, camera angles, and their own perceived flaws.

3. Childhood and Sleeping Quirks

• Sofie recounts her dream of sleeping in a coffin as a child, sparked by her family housing a dwarf hamster in a repurposed wardrobe. Daniel dubs her “born to be a sardine” ([12:10]).
• They riff on sardines, tinned tuna, preservation methods, and what they’d prefer to be metaphorically canned in: “No, I'm a spring water. I'm a tuna.” – Sofie ([12:30])

4. Challenging Self-Narratives & Taste Evolution

• Sofie talks about questioning personal narratives—like insisting she hates poetry, only to fall for a poem Josie Long recommended ([14:05]).
• The pair discuss changing tastes in literature and self-awareness, especially Sofie’s discomfort at loving fiction so much she loses sleep over it ([16:00]).

5. Twilight, Team Jacob vs. Team Edward, and Pop Culture Fandom

• A long, humorous digression on the Twilight series, jealousy toward fictional worlds, and the oddness of imprinting storylines ([17:12]-[22:01]).
• Daniel: “Jacob was hotter... and could defend her and turn into a werewolf.” ([18:19])
• Robert Pattinson’s interview about “no one was Team Jacob” gets a loving eyeroll ([18:13]).
• They ponder how the cultural cachet of the Twilight/Harry Potter casts has flipped over the years ([19:34]).

6. Living with Parents, Animals, and Rural Fantasies

• Both have recently returned to living with their parents while on tour ([23:11]).
• Daniel lists the wide menagerie at his parents’ countryside house: dogs, an old cat, tropical fish, chickens, a beehive.
• The romanticized vs. real experience of rural living: “I am actually still in my city phase. I’m really enjoying the city again now.” – Daniel ([26:23])
• Sofie fantasizes about being a receptionist as an alternative life path; they role-play awkward office banter ([27:13]).

7. Film & TV Taste, and Celebrity Crushes

• Daniel confesses a love for financial drama films like The Big Short, Margin Call, and The Wolf of Wall Street ([29:53]).
• Sofie’s into “journalist movies” like Spotlight; Mark Ruffalo emerges as a shared (celebrity) crush ([31:45]).
• Sofie’s main TV crush: Paul Adelstein from Scandal, prompting a comedic struggle to validate her taste with Daniel ([34:12]).

8. Queer Dating Dynamics: Crushes, Types & Gender Spectrums

• Sofie describes the recurring heartbreak of fancying men who then fancy Daniel—the “opposite” on the gender spectrum ([38:00]-[38:44]).
• Honest riffing on how queerness, attraction, and friendship intersect: “You can never tell, but sadly…75% of the time, you can.” – Daniel ([35:53])
• Daniel confesses to crushes on butch lesbians and navigating attraction across gender presentation ([39:03]).
• Frank talk about labels (top, bottom, pan, bi), how those meanings shift, and how “queer maths” makes romance exhausting ([40:09], [50:28]).
• “Queer maths is hard, and I wish they taught it more.” – Daniel ([50:30])

9. Sofieland Laws & Death Penalty for Annoyances

• Daniel proposes new “laws” for Sofieland—some with a satirical “death penalty” for:
  • Ghosting
  • Bad breath
  • Animal cruelty
  • Bad hairdressers
  • Participating in flash mobs
  • “Clavicular” and looks-maxxing TikTokers ([50:48])
• Extended, comic debate on appropriate (and wildly inappropriate) punishments.
• The horror of flash mobs, air-drumming in public, rubber horse masks, and attention-seeking behavior ([53:13]-[62:16]).
• “Death penalty for all of them.” – Daniel ([63:34])
• “But not us, because we're perfect.” – Sofie ([63:35])

10. Concluding Reflections

• Self-aware jokes about comedians’ attention seeking, the perils of queer dating, and the need for centralized Google-style life reviews ([65:32]).
• Flirting with “Black Mirror” ideas: relationship CVs, mandatory therapist and friend references, and government moderation ([65:25]).

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On packing mishaps:
  “Of all the things I’ve brought to Australia, I have so many questions.” – Daniel ([04:18])

• On childhood coffin bed design:
  “You were born to be a sardine.” – Daniel ([12:10])

• On Twilight fandom:
  “Jacob was hotter... and he could defend her and turn into, like, a werewolf.” – Daniel ([18:19])

• On poetry & taste change:
  “My new thing is questioning the narratives I tell myself about myself. Because... I go, ‘I don’t like this,’ and then when I think about it— you do!” – Sofie ([14:05])

• On queer crush perils:
  “It’s really, really embarrassing... It’s embarrassing that I didn’t know. It’s not like I’ve never met [a gay man]... I assume everyone’s gay to some extent.” – Sofie ([38:00])

• On butch lesbian attraction:
  “Recently I have met more than one very butch lesbian where my brain has done short wire circuits.” – Daniel ([39:03])

• On “queer maths”:
  “Queer maths is hard, and I wish they taught it more.” – Daniel ([50:30])

• On flash mobs:
  “If I could go back in time and kill one baby—the baby that would end up coming up with flash mobs...” – Sofie ([55:47])

• On comedian ego:
  “Why do you want attention? I’m the one who gets the attention. How dare you!” – Sofie ([63:12])

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [04:18] – Daniel’s hotel towel & plug anxiety
• [12:10] – “Born to be a sardine”/Coffin bed childhood story
• [14:05] – Sofie’s poetry conversion story
• [18:19] – Team Jacob vs. Team Edward debate
• [23:11] – Daniel and Sofie on moving back with parents
• [26:23] – City vs. countryside living discussion
• [29:53] – Daniel’s obsession with financial films
• [31:45] – Celebrity crush on Mark Ruffalo & TV taste
• [35:53] – “You can never tell, but sadly…75% of the time, you can.”
• [39:03] – Daniel's attraction to butch lesbians
• [50:30] – “Queer maths is hard, and I wish they taught it more.”
• [53:13]-[55:47] – Flash mob horror stories
• [62:44] – “Ego death penalty” for air drumming & attention-seeking
• [65:25] – Implementing relationship CVs, life reviews, and centralized dating feedback

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Episode Highlights & Takeaways

• Razor-sharp queer banter: The conversation is always warm but pointed—poking fun at themselves, each other, and the world.
• Unabashedly personal: Both Sofie and Daniel share embarrassing, vulnerable, and hilarious stories—about sex, crushes, neuroses, and queerness.
• Meta self-awareness: Throughout, they comment on their own taste, the podcast as a medium (“Is this good podcasting?”), and how narratives about oneself shift.
• Cultural commentary: They move seamlessly from introspective joking to playful but sometimes sharp critique of pop culture, media, and social behavior.
• Satire of laws & justice: The Sofieland “death penalty” riff underlines their love of mock authoritarianism, always with a knowing wink.

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Conclusion

For fans—or those new to Sofieland—this episode is a masterclass in warm, silly, radically honest conversation. Whether arguing about canned fish, role-playing office politics, or parsing the heartbreak math of queer attraction, Sofie and Daniel create a joyful, welcoming space, full of self-mockery and sharp observational humor. Their laugh-out-loud riffing on everything from Twilight to flash mobs to the “death penalty” is as relatable as it is absurd.

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Transcript

[A]

Dear citizens of Sophie Land, I will let you listen to the episode in approximately 60 seconds. But first I just want to let you know that my brand new show, I think some of this is my fault, will be going to the Edinburgh Fringe this August. And then in November I'm taking it to Soho Theater in London. Then it's going on tour to Denmark, Copenhagen, Unser and Aarhus, Sweden, Melmurg and Stockholm. Then I'm going to Berlin. I'm going to Rotterdam. The UK dates have just come out which are Leicester, Sheffield, Selby, Edinburgh, Glasgow, Aberdeen, Birmingham, Manchester, Liverpool, Reading, Brighton, Cambridge, London and Exeter. Tickets can be found on sophie hagen.com link is in the show notes alongside the link for the Patreon or the substack. Because this podcast is self produced, meaning I do all of the stuff. I do the editing, the uploading, the booking of the guests, the interviews, every single effing thing. So your support means the whole world to me. So if you sign up for the Patreon or the substack, you will get extra fun bonus content and you get to support me. I really appreciate it. I really love you. Thank you so much for listening. Please enjoy this episode. Thank you.

[B]

In the goddamn shot.

[A]

Goddamn shot.

[B]

In the goddamn shot. I love podcasting with you.

[A]

What do you mean? That was good.

[B]

And now you shut up.

[A]

Now you shut the up.

[B]

This is being friends with Sophie Hagen.

[A]

I need to start by.

[B]

And now you'll shut up.

[A]

And now me talk. I need to warn you about this because it's a new water bottle and it's so like, you can close it like, like a normal water bottle. I appreciate that. But then you open it by turning it in the direction of the same way you would open it. And then at some point, it's perfect to drink from.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And at another point, it's just fully open. And it falls out. It falls out.

[B]

It looks like a kilna jar. Yeah, like a kilner jar.

[A]

Yes, but I like those.

[B]

Yeah. You look just like.

[A]

I never know if I'm about to spill down myself.

[B]

You look like you're a wedding from 2015 and that we're all going to start doing this to, like a Mumford and Song Song. Sung Song. Mumford and Sons song.

[A]

Mumford and Sung Song,

[B]

the Asian cover band.

[A]

It's why this wall.

[B]

Mumford and Sung Tsung Muffin and sing songs.

[A]

It's why there's water down my body. Because sometimes it's. I just pour it.

[B]

I was gonna say there often is. You are often like a little Bit wet. That's not water. But it's like here normally. Yeah.

[A]

Drool. Walked past the pancake shop.

[B]

I'm trying to arrange myself in a way that would be, like, attractive for this.

[A]

Oh, good luck.

[B]

I want you to know.

[A]

No promises.

[B]

You are. You've. You're on my good side. So, like, I wish I was facing like this to the camera so I might do, like, those.

[A]

Oh, I see what you mean. I'm sitting in your spot.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I'd like the camera.

[A]

Would you like to produce the.

[B]

Ideally, you don't have what?

[A]

I don't understand this. There's no good sides. What do you mean?

[B]

My face is so. Are we starting? My face is so asymmetrical that, like, this and this are totally different faces. You know, have you seen the trend where it's like, you can, like, mirror.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

One half. So, like, this side is one half in 2020. This side is one thing and this side is, like, another person.

[A]

Which one do you say is the best one?

[B]

I think this side is better. It's nice to have the option you'll

[A]

get directly at me. Look at me, E. Oh, my God.

[B]

I would say, like, it's just so. Yeah.

[A]

Most importantly, what's mine?

[B]

Show me the other one. Neither of them. God, neither of them. Both of them. I would say you're quite symmetrical, annoyingly.

[A]

Oh, what can I do? What can I. Been blessed. Anyways, I like that I get to talk to the ugly side of you.

[B]

No, you're talking to the attractive side of me and they're seeing the ugly side of me, but you have to

[A]

pretend they're not there. This is a natural conversation between two friends into microphones.

[B]

Very well. There's a camera on me right now. You've brought me into your hotel room and you've turned on the cameras.

[A]

I'm so nervous about the cleaners coming in.

[B]

I'm sorry, you told me that the cleaners come every three day.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They may come to do a full clean every third day, but they are replacing our towels every morning. And I say that because I had a shower this morning and left some of the towels in, like, different positions depending on, like, which ones were used. And I've come back to perfectly clean, folded towels on the racks, which they will have done around the douche and the butt plug that was, like, left out of my sink because I was like, I'm just popping out for breakfast. I'll tidy up my bathroom later. Of all the things I've brought to Australia, I have so Many questions.

[A]

Most importantly, did you not put the no privacy sign on your door?

[B]

No, because I thought I only arrived, like, yesterday. There'll be a while before they come and clean this room because Sophie said it's every third day, but now I'm remembering. Actually, my towels were oddly folded again last night, so I think they're coming, like, very regularly to replace our towels. I think if that sign's not on the door.

[A]

Yes. Yeah. Well, yeah, I feel like if you don't have a no privacy sign on your door, you're basically asking them to just waddle in at any hour of the day.

[B]

What was your next question gonna be about?

[A]

The why the fuck you brought a butt plug to Australia?

[B]

No, when I say butt plug, I don't mean butt plug. I mean, like, you know, like a little. You know, like a little what?

[A]

Just like a little. Just like a little.

[B]

Have you brought a vibrator to Australia?

[A]

No.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Nothing? No. You're here for a month, two months, are you not? Well, you did buy that. You bought that incredibly healthy cucumber.

[A]

Why do you think I got this?

[B]

When we were in the supermarket?

[A]

A very crooked cucumber.

[B]

The cucumber that was, like, perfectly curved for her pleasure.

[A]

It was an amazing cucumber.

[B]

It was like a pea. A prostate massage. Cucumber.

[A]

Listen, if you ever see me buy any fruit or veg, assume that's going in. It's not for health reasons, is it?

[B]

Just in case. And also, like, neither of these things used you. I didn't, like, arrive from Australia and just immediately douche. But just, like, in case. And also, I might meet, like, a hot bogan lifeguard.

[A]

But do you store your butt plugs in the bathroom?

[B]

Well, I guess it was just, like, amongst all the bathroom things. I don't know. It was just, like, in a bag with, like. Well, I guess. Yeah. You would use those things in the bathroom.

[A]

Your packing choices baffle me.

[B]

That's probably what tips my luggage over the weight.

[A]

My toothbrush, my butt plug.

[B]

It wouldn't be wild if a woman came to Australia and had packed a vibrator.

[A]

No, no, I'm not judging that at all.

[B]

Right, so just, like a little.

[A]

Would you. Then you take out the. Well, are there batteries in yours or is it just like a analog Chargeable? Chargeable.

[B]

It's small. I'm not saying I've got, like.

[A]

Would you then, like, drain it? I'm mine. What if someone can hear it if it goes off?

[B]

I don't care if they can hear it.

[A]

I think it's a toothbrush. But they open up your thing and they're like.

[B]

Then I'll be like, oh, no, my run for prime minister is over. Someone knows I own a small butt plug. I'll be like, you're fine. I say butt plug. I'm talking like G spot massager. Like a little, little thing.

[A]

How far in is the G spot?

[B]

Barely in.

[A]

Wait, our juice butt's a difference, right? Yeah, because ours is in the main one.

[B]

Yours is in hole. Yours is in. Yours is in the. In the. One's in the purse and one's in the bus. Yeah. Bush bus.

[A]

I got really excited.

[B]

One's in the bush.

[A]

There's one in the bush. Wait a minute.

[B]

A bird in the hand. I think we're coming.

[A]

I need.

[B]

Is worth a bird in my bush. Is worth a hand in my bush.

[A]

But okay. Well, that is very embarrassing. I do see that.

[B]

Mortifying.

[A]

But I think that it's. I saw. I came back and then they were trying to get in. There was, like, two people from the hotel trying to get. But this is what happens.

[B]

I think they're coming in along.

[A]

This is what happens When I travel, I think they always think I'm up to something.

[B]

Of course. Because they've come into your room and found a full camera setup.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Professional lighting.

[A]

That's because I never want them to come and clean. I think them doing something.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, I've had health and wellness checks at hotels before.

[B]

What?

[A]

But it was. I think it was.

[B]

Wait, wait, wait. As in like. Like, are you okay?

[A]

I think so. Like, where. It wasn't the cleaner. It was like someone from the hotel coming to be like, we just wanted to know if everything's okay. But I think it's because I was there alone and it was like a family resort.

[B]

No.

[A]

And then I was reading Matt Haig's book Reasons to Stay Alive.

[B]

That'll be why out the pool. Yeah, that's fully why I wanted no cleaners in. A mother of children at some point has gone, why is she crying? There is someone at the pool and she's reading Reasons to Stay Alive. And my children are asking about it, and she's.

[A]

Everybody turns the page and she goes, not that one.

[B]

Every time she reads a page, she tears it out.

[A]

Eaten.

[B]

The pool is full of pages of Reasons to Stay Alive. Yeah. Maybe if you had the do not disturb on for long enough.

[A]

Yeah, they check.

[B]

Holiday. They'd be like, well, it's nine days of do not disturb.

[A]

Yeah, they check.

[B]

But I. I don't know about you on tour. I never want my room cleaning.

[A]

No, of course, if I'm just there

[B]

for two days, I don't need that cleaning. I would rather just have my space to.

[A]

My space also, because then they ruin the bed again. They'll tuck the thing all the way in.

[B]

Where are we all now? The amount that they talked.

[A]

Melbourne, Australia.

[B]

Melbourne, Australia. It's an Australian accent.

[A]

Sorry, was mine not Melbourne, Australian?

[B]

American accent.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

They've tucked the duvet in. Yeah. So tight that to get it out, actually wrecked the sheets.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Wild.

[A]

It's wild. So I sleep on top of my. With a towel over me.

[B]

You famously bring a sleeping bag with you.

[A]

Oh, I wish I could.

[B]

I would be.

[A]

You know how Mariah Carey brings, like, a golden toilet seat? I would bring. I bring a tent.

[B]

Camping term.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Well, you have famously said that you would like to sleep in a coffin.

[A]

Famously. I designed a coffin bed when I was a child because my. We put my mother.

[B]

We.

[A]

My mother found a hamster. Like a tiny, tiny hamster. And then that tiny, tiny hamster needed a place to live, so she took a massive wardrobe and put it down.

[B]

What do you mean by found a hamster?

[A]

She found a hamster. I don't know how to say it differently. She walked down the street, there was a hamster, she grabbed a hamster. A hamster. I don't know what I'm saying. That isn't making.

[B]

So someone else's ham. Like a.

[A]

Like.

[B]

Not a mouse, like.

[A]

No, a hamster.

[B]

Huh.

[A]

Like a. I think. I think it's called. I hope it's what it's called. A dwarf hamster.

[B]

Wow. So isn't that what it's called? No, no. What's it called? Pick me.

[A]

Oh, no. I'm saying wrong things.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

What's shadow? Isn't that called that? Oh, my God.

[B]

I can't be on this.

[A]

No.

[B]

Yeah. Dwarf hamster. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Is it? Thank you. It's a. She found a dwarf hamster. But there were no, like, sign. No one said they were missing.

[B]

There were no signs.

[A]

No one was missing one.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

There were no, like, lost hamster.

[B]

How interesting. Got just on the street and it ran up to her.

[A]

No. Oh, God, no. She probably had to chase it down, but then she saved it and then she took a wardrobe, put it down, and then that was its home. Yeah. And you. Yeah. What you're thinking is that is quite a big home for a tiny hamster. Yes.

[B]

That's also quite a big home to. For you to be Able to lay down a wardrobe and just have that in your house?

[A]

We had a weird hallway. We had a hallway that was very, very wide. So you couldn't do anything else, but you could lay down a wardrobe. Yeah. So that left that. But then I was fantasizing about that. Cuz as soon as you put down

[B]

the wardrobe, you could get in the wardrobe.

[A]

You could, you could have put like a mattress in there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then if you just put the lid back on the doll that is now a lid, I could have slept. And that was what I asked, if I could have that as a bed. And my mother said that is a coffin.

[B]

That is a coffin.

[A]

Would you like to sleep in a coffin? I was like, yes, please.

[B]

You were born to be a sardine. That's what I v. To be can.

[A]

That's how I identify.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

That would be.

[B]

Have a metal lid just like rolled up over you. And if we want to get you back out for a show, we have to like peel it back.

[A]

Yeah, don't if. Oh, I wouldn't. I wouldn't need to do comedy.

[B]

We lay you down, we pour oil or brine, whichever you'd prefer.

[A]

No, I'm a spring water. I'm a tuna.

[B]

Spring water. I don't trust them.

[A]

What do you mean? That's where they live. That's what they do. That's what they feel comfortable in.

[B]

They live in saltwater, but like that's the same thing.

[A]

But they don't swim around in oil. That's my right.

[B]

But you don't. Like a pickle lives in vinegar.

[A]

But not in nature.

[B]

Well, not in the wild. But like if you want to preserve something, use salt water or vinegar. You don't just float it in like clean spring water because that will just turn into a soup and rot. So like I don't trust the tuna that's just living its life in plain water because that's not a preserve a preserving force.

[A]

I need to add that filter where it's like numbers and the maths stuff, because this is not making sense.

[B]

Because if you were pick like what preserves something is either pickling it or brining it. So it makes sense that the tuna is in salt water or oil.

[A]

But the thing that preserves is. Isn't it just that it's in a can? Well, I guess maybe it doesn't get air.

[B]

But then why were they in brine and oil in the first place?

[A]

I don't want to eat anything that's been in oil. Apart from quite a lot of things actually. Now that I think of it now that I give it three more seconds.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, go on.

[A]

But if they're fried in oil, not just if they live in oil, but.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What would. What else would you eat that's in oil? That just lives in oil?

[B]

A great many things. Well, I'm not hearing you say any garlic cloves. There's a lot of things that you like are in oil. And then you fish out of the oil.

[A]

Oh, sundry tomatoes. Okay.

[B]

Peppers.

[A]

Okay. Fair enough.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Do you know what this is reminding me of?

[B]

Is this good podcasting?

[A]

My new. What it will be right now when I say a very profound thing, which is my new thing is questioning the narratives I tell myself about myself. Because I do it all the time. I go, I don't like this. And then when I think about it, you do?

[B]

I do.

[A]

I do. Right. And I was in a bookshop with some comedians, and then I made a big. A big splash by. By claiming, I don't do poetry. I hate poetry. Then Josie Long took a book, opened. It was like, here, read this. And I was like, oh, my God, that's the most beautiful thing I've ever

[B]

read in my entire life.

[A]

And now I'm into poetry.

[B]

Oh. And you know, it's going to be like a rupi Kaur poem where it's like, the cat was my tears, the tears were my heart.

[A]

No, no, I do. I will do. No, I do not do weird little non haikus. Like, haikus that are not even haikus. I don't do that.

[B]

Good.

[A]

I'm still against that.

[B]

You want to rhyme.

[A]

It doesn't have to rhyme, but, like.

[B]

Yeah, but ideally, I like, if people

[A]

don't know how to rhyme, I will still let them get away with it. But it is, like, it's a minus for me if there's not even a rhyme in it. But it was very beautiful. It's something about, like, the body being an ocean or something. But it was very nice.

[B]

You must have come on Tik Tok across, like, the God, what's her name? Mary Oliver's Wild Geese. That kind of stuff that's always, like, viral TikTok poetry. Not that she's a TikTok poet. She's a great poet.

[A]

But my algorithm knows me well enough to never, ever serve me.

[B]

I'm gonna send you some good.

[A]

Okay. No. Yes. See, why am I like this? But I was immediately like, have you

[B]

told them about the fact that you claimed you don't like fiction because it's too engrossing? And makes you. You're too interested in it. You were like, telling me how you can't read. You hate fiction.

[A]

I hate fiction when I can't put the book down. I don't know why that's a. Sophie

[B]

kept sending me, like voice notes, being like, ugh, I'm hating this book. It's like ruining my days because I have to keep reading. I need to know what happens next. And it's so stressful. I was like, sorry, do you mean I love this book. I can't put it down.

[A]

No, it's ruining my. I can't put it down now. I have to spend six. I don't have six hours.

[B]

I am used to reading the books where they are very boring and I read one paragraph and then I put it down and I have learned some information.

[A]

Yes. Because I was like going to sleep at like 4:00am yeah.

[B]

Because it's embracing and thrilling and you need to know what happens next. Yes, but which is a good thing. Which is a good thing. That's what reading is.

[A]

Yeah, but then what do you do? You just. Oh, I just don't sleep because I'm reading about someone else's fictitious life.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How is that a good thing? I don't see what's good about it

[B]

because it's like, oh, I'm so lost in this book. I'm loving this book.

[A]

It's making me hate my life so much that I don't want to exist

[B]

in my real life. There's like some self parenting and go, and now sleep. But like, yeah, we've all stood up until 1am being like, I'm loving this book.

[A]

But I also don't think. I think this is.

[B]

Does she choose Jacob or Edward?

[A]

When I read Twilight, it genuinely made me depressed because you. I was like 20.

[B]

Oh, 20 or so.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe 19. But I remember being so sad because I was so jealous.

[B]

Yeah, well, we all had that experience, right? Yeah, it was really.

[A]

I was really. Especially the second one where she's just like a depressed girl for like the whole book.

[B]

You were so jealous.

[A]

No, but I could relate because I also didn't have. I also didn't have him in my life.

[B]

Oh, yeah, no, fully. I have felt that about a great many trashy fantasy series.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Being like, I can't bear to now have to go out into my shitty normal life where I'm not a wizard. That's being like, chased by a knight.

[A]

The really sad thing is, I was about to say, yeah, but, well, that's fantasy. That's not the same because.

[B]

Because Twilight is a very serious part

[A]

of me was like, don't you dare put Twilight in the same camp.

[B]

Did you see recently, Robert Pattinson gave an interview where he said that no one was Team Jacob.

[A]

I love.

[B]

Someone asked him and was like, are you Team Jacob or Edward? And he was like, no one was Team Jacob.

[A]

I love him so much.

[B]

I was Team Jacob.

[A]

Oh, because you're not. What, like, you're not like the other girls.

[B]

No, because Jacob was hotter.

[A]

I see what you. I see what you.

[B]

If it was just about and, like, sexy and could defend her and turn into, like, a werewolf.

[A]

Yeah. And he was so interested in her.

[B]

Yeah. This is.

[A]

That's it, isn't it? He was too available. That's not hard. What's hard is this, like, I can never be. If I get near you, I'll kill you. Don't threaten me with a good time. That's like a win win.

[B]

God, now she's, like, staying weirdly near me and she keeps tearing the pages out of this book.

[A]

I mean, I wish I was Team Jacob.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But he's just too. He's a dog. He's a dog. He's. It's too simple. It's too simple. A simple being.

[B]

That's all I need. When they're in the tent and it's like, he was so warm and steamy, lovely. A nice radiator man, you know, He's

[A]

a good, like, way to make Edward jealous.

[B]

Ugh. It was like, get away from Edward Denton. Edward.

[A]

But are you into current Robert Pattinson?

[B]

Not sexually, but I love him.

[A]

I love him.

[B]

What I think is amazing is how with time.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

The Twilight cast went from being the ones that in school we were all, like, lame to being really cool. Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are now, like, edgy, cool, highbrow actors that are like, the culture is mad for them.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And I would say, I mean, they're doing a bit better now, but like, there was a period of time where, like, Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint, everyone was like, ooh, when? At the time, when we were younger, they were like the good ones. They were the ones where we were like, oh, my God. Beloved Harry Potter castle kids. And then for the last decade or so, it's been like, ugh, Them. It's a real flip.

[A]

Has it?

[B]

But I would say Daniel Radkin is now quite cool.

[A]

The ginger one, he's like, that was bad. Right? Didn't he go into. I do. I don't want to spread Any rumors? Didn't one of them. One of them kept supporting.

[B]

No, that I think is Draco Malfoy.

[A]

Was that not the redhead?

[B]

No, that's.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

It was Ron. I don't think Rupert Grint, I don't know.

[A]

Who was the one who made a documentary about how much fans loved him.

[B]

Oh, I don't know.

[A]

That was a really good documentary, but I think that might be the bad guy. I will just add Taylor Lautner is also pretty cool because he married a woman called Taylor Lautner.

[B]

Yes. And I've heard a rumor that they're calling their child Taylor, which will be Taylor Launner, which is just incredible. I hope. I hope really funny.

[A]

It would be the funniest thing.

[B]

Yeah, I like him a lot.

[A]

They're really cool. I really like them. Why? I don't remember why we talk. Oh, being engrossed in books. God, I love Twilight. I get really annoyed when people take the piss out of the baby. Being in love with Jacob.

[B]

Oh, it would be so funny for anyone to call their child Renesmee. I'm sure someone has. Wait, the child imprinting on Jacob, you mean? Yeah, or him imprinting on the child. Why do you find that annoying?

[A]

It's like you can't be like halfway there. You can't be like, oh, I'm on board with all of this stuff, but that is taking it a bit too. Like, people can fly and stuff. So of course you can be in love with it, but you know, it's

[B]

not sexual with a baby. Anyone could, if anything. That's the thing that is vaguely real that happens in this series.

[A]

We've all been there.

[B]

Also, doesn't the baby age at like a year, a day or something?

[A]

Yeah,

[B]

like if Leo can get away with it.

[A]

I love the way the first name basis with Leo.

[B]

Speak for yourself.

[A]

Can I. Oh, I have things to ask you about.

[B]

Welcome back. Daniel Fox. You've done this podcast before. It's nice that we're in Melbourne now.

[A]

The difference is that we're awake now. We were so tired in the last one. I feel like we're awake now. Yeah, we've seen the light. We've also both moved home to our parents. I mean, I already.

[B]

Do you want to tell them we're in Melbourne?

[A]

We're in. I think we've mentioned Melbourne a few times.

[B]

Yeah. But like.

[A]

Okay. How do you. How are you finding Melbourne? Do you like Melbourne?

[B]

I don't think you. Yeah, it's fine. I've just arrived. I just thought what you're Saying is that I'm back.

[A]

You have. You have nothing to add about Melbourne.

[B]

I guess not. I feel like you're not interested in how I feel about Melbourne because you don't.

[A]

You've just been here for 12 hours. All you've said about Melbourne is that you got new towels twice.

[B]

Well, I just thought people might think it's weird that I'm. I'm back on your podcast.

[A]

Welcome back on the podcast. How have you been since the last time you did my podcast?

[B]

A whole mix of life up and down.

[A]

This is very useful information. Have you for example moved back in with your parents?

[B]

Like I was about to say, yes, I've been back in with my parents.

[A]

Glad we got there in the end.

[B]

Been doing all sorts. Yeah, I'm with my. I'm now like you. I'm living with my mom. Yeah. Cool. In the cool living with parents club.

[A]

Can you just take me through like because when we vice note you sometimes like you talk about all kinds of animals and I don't think I have a a big idea of accept because there's new animals in each voice notes that you're taking care of and doing things with. What are those that sounds and often people.

[B]

I can't remember if it was you or a different friend. I voice noted recently who replied saying is there like a bird that you visit? Okay, it must have been. Maybe it was Dane. Someone was like is there a bird that you visit? It was like sometimes in your voice notes a bird will come into the background of the voice note. So I'm living with my parents because I'm moving house and I'm on tour. That's. I just want to let people know that. And I will be there for like a year.

[A]

I think that's also my excuse.

[B]

Well both our mums are looking after our dogs.

[A]

That is true.

[B]

That's partly why. So a lot of when my parents are away especially but also just day to day a lot of life at my parents they live in like a cottage in the countryside. There's my dog and their dog Polly. There are two cats, one of them so old and deaf and like he needs like lifting up to his food bowl and like sometimes he'll just scream in the middle of the floor which means you need to take him outside and put him on soil so they can do a wee and you take him back in. It's like care him for the cat. There are some tropical fish and then there are two ponds of outdoor fish separate. There's like a little pond and a Big pond that you need to kind of, like, feed those.

[A]

You have to feed outdoor fish. What's the ocean for? Isn't that the whole point?

[B]

Well, the ocean's not in their garden.

[A]

That's a fair point.

[B]

So for that, that's, I guess, a different thing. I think there will be, like, bugs and stuff for them to eat, but it's just to make sure there's plenty of food.

[A]

I had never considered you should. Okay, fair enough.

[B]

Yeah. And then there's a beehive. I don't really get involved with that, but that is there. And then there's chickens in a coop. So that's the bird that I'm visiting, I think. So you, like, go and collect the eggs. I do really get a lot of pleasure from, like, in the films. Like, you see the Old Maid in the film. I like to get the handfuls of birdseed and, like, throw it, like a little handful at a time for the chickens. Like an Amish girl. Yeah.

[A]

How else would you possibly do it?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, people would just quickly kind of just like, pour it all. I want to mother.

[A]

I'm just going to feed the chickens. You must go feed the chickens.

[B]

One day I hope I will find

[A]

love

[B]

but for now, I guess I'll just feed my chickens.

[A]

Is that also an American accent?

[B]

Yes, that was Australian accent.

[A]

That's so cute, though. Is that the life you want to lead as, like, in general? Because that sounds nice. That sounds like a really nice life.

[B]

I think I thought it was. I definitely had a phase where I was telling you about how I was desperate to move to the countryside. And I think now that I've done it, I've done it.

[A]

Okay. You've been there for a week.

[B]

Yeah, I've been there for a week. I think. I think I would like to at some point. I am actually still in my city phase. I'm really enjoying the city again now. I'd like more of a garden. I would definitely like to grow some courgettes. I don't know if I need to be in the countryside right now.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I'm gonna enjoy this year in the countryside. But I actually think, like, I've got another couple of decades in the city.

[A]

I think I know what you mean. I think I'm fantasizing a lot about potential jobs I can do that aren't. Stand up and it'll. I think I'm fantasizing about those in the same way that you fantasize about the chickens, where I'm like, in my head, I'm like a receptionist.

[B]

Yeah, hi.

[A]

Sorry, can I. I'm gonna put you right through. One second, Mr. Smith? Yeah, so we've got Mr. Smith on the line. Yes, I'll pass him right through. Thank you so much. Please have a seat. I don't know why he's both there on the phone, but have a seat. Yeah. Can I get you anything? Some coffee? Oh, I would be so good at it.

[B]

Can we role play a little bit? Okay, I'll be your boss.

[A]

Okay, you're my. You're my boss. Thanks for last night. I had a great time. Sorry, nowhere in the office. That's not. Sorry.

[B]

You did that thing I like.

[A]

I just don't know why you kept it with a toothbrush, but that's okay. Okay.

[B]

No, wait, so you.

[A]

Are you coming into work now?

[B]

No, I'm at my desk. But you've just got a call for me.

[A]

I have a call for you. Okay. Am I in the room or am I you?

[B]

I don't know, Sophie, you roll with it. I'm. I'm at my desk in my office.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

What is it, Sophie?

[A]

Miss, what's your name?

[B]

I think you would know my name.

[A]

Mrs. Smith, I've got a call on the line for you. It's HMRC.

[B]

Wait, am I now Mr. Smith? Because earlier he was calling for an appointment with me.

[A]

More people than one can be called Mr. Smith?

[B]

Yeah. Is it my husband?

[A]

Yes, and it's.

[B]

Yes and sorry, hmrc.

[A]

HMRC is my husband.

[B]

My husband that works there. You mean whose name is Mr. Smith? Yes. I don't want to talk to him, Sophie.

[A]

That's okay, I'll let him know. Mr. Smith? Yes. Mr. Smith can't speak to you right now. He's in a meeting. Yeah, okay, but I'll have him call you back.

[B]

That's really good.

[A]

I have him call you back. Okay, bye. Bye.

[B]

Because what I wanted to know was how. What excuse you would give.

[A]

Oh, you were in a meeting. You could have just asked me that.

[B]

That's good. No, just do a long and kind of like overblown role play.

[A]

He's in the meeting right now.

[B]

I'm so sorry.

[A]

I could. Oh, I could lie. I could. I'm so good at lying. And then if they called back in like two weeks, they're like, he's always in a meeting. I'll go. Well, isn't that why he's in demand? Isn't that why you want to speak to him? Because he's very in demand.

[B]

That's why he's one of the lead. Footsie 100.

[A]

CEOs, Footsie 100. Is that a sex thing?

[B]

Yeah. No, it's the UK. It's the top 100 public UK companies.

[A]

Footsie.

[B]

FTSE.

[A]

FTSE. So you didn't say footsie.

[B]

You say footsie. There's the Footsie 150.

[A]

No, 250.

[B]

The pussy. There's the Footsie 100. And the 250. No, the Foot C. 250. It's the something, something, something exchange or something like that. It means, like, they're the top 100. Like, there's the S&P 500 in America.

[A]

S&P.

[B]

S&P 500 in America. Which is the top 500 publicly traded American companies. I don't know why I know so much about this.

[A]

Yeah, I don't know. This sounds really boring.

[B]

I love. Talking of boring, I.

[A]

Go on, please.

[B]

Love a financial film.

[A]

What?

[B]

So, like, top of the tree of that, of course, is like. And this is my favorite. Like a wolf. Like a big short. That's a top.

[A]

I've never seen that one.

[B]

That's really good. Yeah. About the financial crash. It's really good. Wolf of Wall street is obviously the one that all the bros like, but that's a bit more about, like, crime and drugs and sex workers and stuff.

[A]

I've seen that one.

[B]

But it is also about financial crime. There's a really good one called Margin Call. Margin Call, which has Zachary Quinto. Kevin Spacey. He's a really good actor.

[A]

He's such a good actor.

[B]

But Kevin Spacey, Zachary Quinto. Oh, Paul Bettany. Oh, there is a Bell, who was then in, like, a load of Marvel films, but is a really good actor and. Is a really good actor and someone else is a really. Oh, Jeremy Irons is such an amazing.

[A]

What about the. The one with Julia Roberts? Isn't that a financial one? Kind of.

[B]

Which one?

[A]

The one where she is a lawyer.

[B]

Oh, no, not at all.

[A]

It's a. It's an industry one. It's. There's a business.

[B]

I love it. Aaron Brockovich. Legal, I would say. And I do love a legal. I love a legal film, too. No, financial.

[A]

Yeah, I think I've seen those.

[B]

Yeah, they're really good. You would like margin. I'm sure you'd like all of them.

[A]

Maybe.

[B]

Anyway, I love that.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I don't know why. Oh, odd. An odd quirk of my personality that I really love. Like a financial movie.

[A]

Yeah. I don't understand that. I do like a journalist. One journalist trying to Figure the zodiac.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And what's the one they did it to? Kids. They've done it to kids. What's that one?

[B]

We don't know.

[A]

Yeah, you do. They did it to kids.

[B]

Keep saying that about the priests. Yeah, yeah. No, I know the one you mean. Oh, the one with through the True Moonlight.

[A]

The searchlight. The something. Spotlight.

[B]

Searchlight.

[A]

Spotlight. Searchlight.

[B]

It's one of the one with Mark Ruffalo.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah, he's.

[A]

They did it to kids.

[B]

My number one celebrity crush, really. Mark Ruffalo.

[A]

I understand that. Oh, my God. I don't know, actually. There's so many.

[B]

Few.

[A]

Yeah, there's so many. I read. My instinct. Well, he's not movie. Really. He's more TV show.

[B]

It could be anything.

[A]

He's the guy who. I also don't know what his name is or what he's been in, but I really like. I have his face in my head right now. He's always, like, a bit of a bad guy, that one. I don't remember. I. I'm trying. Tv. Tv. He. America was in. He was in Scandal, which I feel like you still haven't seen.

[B]

No, I never will. But you also like, you shouldn't you.

[A]

No. Never watched. Not into suits. But Scandal is incred. I don't understand why you haven't seen Scandal. That should be right up history.

[B]

I don't love to commit to a TV series. It takes a lot.

[A]

It does. But sometimes it's worth it. Scandalous also. You can just watch it whenever. It's so easy to follow. And she's so hot. She's so beautiful.

[B]

That's where we get to. And then I feel like every time you've told me about it. It's a lot about Olivia Pope. Pope?

[A]

Yeah. But not just that. She's got an affair with the goddamn President of the United States of America, and he doesn't want it to happen, and she doesn't want it to happen, but they just love each other so much. It's almost exactly like Twilight.

[B]

Like Twilight.

[A]

And he's like, God damn it, Olivia. And she's like, ah. Just because you're the president, you think you can just kiss me? And he's like, yes. And she's like, okay. Oh. And then his wife is really cool as well. It's. What's her name? The one who made it. She's incredible. She also did the great anatomy. She also did how to Get Away with Murder.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

She's incredible.

[B]

I don't know if I'm gonna watch it there's a lot to watch, but he's in that.

[A]

The guy I'm really into.

[B]

Okay. Is he in anything that anyone's seen?

[A]

A lot of people have seen Scandal. Are you kidding me?

[B]

Half they. Because I never heard any. I think you're the only person I've ever heard talk about it.

[A]

That is not true. Well, that could be.

[B]

It is true. It could be true. I don't think I've ever heard anyone talk about Scandal before.

[A]

Scandal actor. I'm gonna look this up. It might not be good scanned, but I think everyone will appreciate it. And then I'm gonna actually go out of my way and put a picture up on him. On, off. On him.

[B]

A picture up of a.

[A]

On the goddamn screen. If anyone's looking at this instead of listening. And I'm going to say the name to people who are not. God, he's far down on the castle. Paul Adelstein.

[B]

Show me.

[A]

Yes. This guy. Oh, it's a bad picture. This is like when you show someone,

[B]

literally someone you're dating. Sorry, no. And when. When someone.

[A]

You need to get his vibe.

[B]

I've never seen this man in my life.

[A]

You need to get his vibe.

[B]

I can see that he's attractive. When people go to show you the person that they're dating and they send you it, and you can see when they've done it and they've cropped the Instagram so you can't see when they posted. And then you go, mm. And every time. You know that if you then go and find it. That's from 2021. No, here's a picture of him. Are you sure? Because he seems to be standing in front of the Twin Towers, so I don't think that. That.

[A]

Why is he wearing a diaper? He was in Prison Break.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And Private Practice and the menu. So he's been in a movie, so

[B]

he's actually a menu. That's a good one.

[A]

Have you seen the menu Then? You've seen him. I don't know what he played in that. He's probably like, a chef. An extra. Speaking of, I had a crush on someone who then. Who then turned out to be gay. And then I kept telling people, like, yeah, but I hadn't. Like, how would I possibly know? And I've been showing his picture and, like, a video of him to. I'm gonna say 20 people.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And every single person. And before I say anything, I go. Because you can never assume, like, you don't know just from. And people like. Yeah, you can never assume. And then I show them the video, they go, he's definitely gay. Without a. Without a doubt, this man is so gay.

[B]

Yeah. That is a truth that I think it. I think it is a worthwhile pursuit for us to keep saying, you can never tell.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But sadly, we should also quietly, privately acknowledge that 75 of the time, you can tell. 75% of the time, you can tell that they're gay.

[A]

I couldn't tell.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And. But. But it then became very apparent to me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When he then turned when I mentioned your name, and he went, you know,

[B]

Daniel Fox my name. Because he's a fan.

[A]

I had such a crush on him.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

And I was like,

[B]

wow, that's gutting.

[A]

And I said, I'm so sorry. He's straight. I'm sorry he's straight. It's an act.

[B]

It's an act that he's putting it on Instagram. Can you show me this man? Because I'm extremely single. Can I steal the guy that you got a crush on?

[A]

Well, just so you know, he's gonna. He's gonna come across as incredibly straight. How did you be. You're gonna be so shocked because you're gonna be like, this is the straightest man I've ever seen. I can't. I can't blame Sophie for having a crush on this straight guy.

[B]

Is so gutting to have a crush on someone and then.

[A]

So the most straight guy you've ever seen and. Shut up. This is a straight. Shut up.

[B]

Sophie is showing me a gay little guy. Look at the sweetest little gay guy. He's a very brief crush. So comfortable in modern family. He looks like a sweet American little gay guy.

[A]

Maybe that's my type. And I don't think that should be a. I. I think it's unfair.

[B]

Listen, somehow, like, gay bottoms, and that's fine.

[A]

Homophobic. That I'm not meant to date gay guys.

[B]

The gay man. Yeah. Gay bottom man. Yeah.

[A]

I think for them to read me as a woman is transphobic.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yes. So, actually, I think.

[B]

When did gay men should be?

[A]

A couple of months ago. Why?

[B]

Because I'm coming to Denmark. That's so funny.

[A]

Wait, well, are you and him looking for a third?

[B]

That's really tragic. To fancy someone and then them without even ever acknowledging that them tell you that they fancy one of your best friends.

[A]

It's really, really embarrassing.

[B]

It's really embarrassing that that best friend is a totally different gender to you

[A]

and, like, an extremely different gender to me. I think we're the most opposite on the gender spectrum.

[B]

I Think so.

[A]

I think you can't be more opposite. I'm so upset. It was so embarrassing. It was embarrassing that I didn't know. I feel like I. It's not like I've never met. I'm not like a Christian who's like, assuming that everyone's straight because that's the way God made us. Like, I assume everyone's gay to some extent. To, like, some. I don't think. I think very few people are a hundred percent. Like, I think everyone would have. Could. Could maybe of all the billions of people in the world, everyone could find at least one of another gender that they could fancy.

[B]

I am having an interesting thing lately where I would describe myself as fully gay. Like, yeah, I can't think of any. But recently I have met more than one very butch lesbian where my brain has done short wire circuits.

[A]

That is funny.

[B]

Like, where I'm like, whoa, hang on. Especially when I'm like, walking down the street and from, like, behind perhaps can't tell if they're like a stocky, slightly shorter gay guy or when you catch up and you're like, oh, no, they're like a butch. A butch queer woman. And you sort of like, like follow after. And they're like, oh, no, they. Oh, wait, they've got nail varnish. It's a boy. But, like, it does do it. Sometimes I find myself checking people out and then going, that's a lesbian woman. Oh, not the. But then I'm like, well, now what? And I find myself going, okay, well, then if I was a woman, that would be my type. But I guess it's my type now too. There is a middle ground.

[A]

I mean, because you wouldn't, like, if you fell in love with someone that you saw as a man and then you're like, in love and all of that, and then you find out that he has a vagina. Would that, like, is it. Are you against vaginas or is it,

[B]

like, how much on record that I'm against vaginas?

[A]

But you know what I mean? Is it a genital thing?

[B]

It's interesting.

[A]

I think it's fine to have, like, a product. Oh, I prefer this genital. But to me, I don't think the genitals matter at all.

[B]

Well, that's because you're pan and orb.

[A]

Yeah, but I think that's one of the things about pan bi people is that I think we find it very, very difficult to imagine genitals mattering.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

I'm now talking on behalf of a

[B]

lot of People I don't know. I think I would find it hard. I mean, I've definitely. There are so many trans men that I've had crushes on.

[A]

Right. That's what I mean. You just get over the. The extra hole thing.

[B]

Yeah. I think that on the romantic side, there's no barrier for me, so I guess it wouldn't matter on the side. I've never tried. I've never. I've never been there. More just out of like lack of opportunity. But.

[A]

But if we open our minds a

[B]

bit, as I've said, there's plenty of things on my. This, my bathroom counter that can be used in place of a. Yeah.

[A]

And hey, here in Melbourne, where the fruits are being all fanciful and finally,

[B]

that cucumber that you bought.

[A]

It was almost like I was. I felt Christian, I felt like I was gonna be. We cannot be selling these cucumbers in shops.

[B]

Very provocative.

[A]

It was incredible. It was an incredible cucumber.

[B]

And I notice it's gone now.

[A]

Yes, it's in the fridge. It's in the freezer.

[B]

It's gently warming in the oven.

[A]

I'm sewing it back together. Oh, now I got distracted because of the cucumber. Yeah, but that was very embarrassing.

[B]

I'm delighted.

[A]

Of course you are. Of course you are. Maybe we can do a thing where you date him for a bit, then you break his heart and then when

[B]

he's at his most vulnerable, break his heart so much.

[A]

Maybe you just. Maybe you should just stop. Stop dealing with men. Men are shit. You know what? You need me.

[B]

If you went back to your butch phase, actually, clearly that would do nothing for him because if he has a crush on me, you need to go more femme.

[A]

More femme? Smaller boobs. Yes, but you have a good butt. Maybe it's the butt.

[B]

Maybe that guy doesn't strike me as being interested in the butt.

[A]

I don't know what that means. Does that mean he's a bottom?

[B]

I get the sense that we would be quite incompatible because one thing is

[A]

not being able to recognize a top as a. As a gay guy. But if I can't recognize about him, what am I? Take away my. Take away my members license of the.

[B]

No, but I don't think you can anymore.

[A]

No, that's true.

[B]

Quite often you see, if anything, it's

[A]

because I'm too woke.

[B]

I didn't say I think so. Yeah, quite often. Well, I think I might. Sometimes you see a gay and more. Increasingly more and more and more in the modern world. You see a gay couple walking around and it will be a mountain giant.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then like a small Russian twink.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Wearing like a fur coat.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

With like long nails.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

That will be the top.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Like it. It's. Everything's gone wild now.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

There is no visible sign of which who's doing what.

[A]

But does it also be. Is it also becoming less of a thing? Like, I feel like I've heard more people recently say, yeah, I'll. I'll do a bit of each.

[B]

I think maybe. I think it's. I don't know if it's become less of a thing. I feel like the like mid 2000s and 2000s were like the peak of that label culture.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Being like, I'm this or I'm that. I'm sure in like 1960 people weren't being like, top or bottom. I think people were just like, whatever we can get when the police aren't here, I think. I don't know. I feel like. I do think it's a bit lame.

[A]

Oh, you don't think people. I've never thought of that. I don't know.

[B]

I just can't imagine the Victorians being like, are you a top or a bottom? Dust thou.

[A]

Yeah, it was just like a hole in a sheet.

[B]

The ancient Greeks, did they have like.

[A]

Yeah, but they were ahead of many

[B]

of us or behind in many ways. They were freaks. Don't you find when a. When a celebrity. When there's. When like an academic talks a little bit too much about the Greeks and like, do you need to go to prison?

[A]

A really fun thing that was coming up recently is someone who went, you know, when all the men said that they think about Rome, the Roman Empire. The Roman Empire all the time. She was like, no, you're not.

[B]

Oh, no, they're not.

[A]

No, they're not. And I felt like a relief.

[B]

No, they're not.

[A]

Because that means that all the men who were asked, they just lied and said, oh, yeah, I did think about. I. I'm pretending to think about Rome all the time because that's so. It's more pathetic than actually thinking about the Roman Empire all the time.

[B]

I think a decent amount of men have thought about the film Gladiator, have thought about the game, maybe Civilization five or maybe Age of Empires or something, but they're not thinking about it on a monthly basis. But I think they have thought about the Roman Empire, but only in quite like a basic gamer boy way. Or like film, like B list film way. But I think more what that was as a trend. I Think it was less about the men lying, though. They did. And I think it was more about the girlfriends so wishing for it to be true. All those women going, babe,

[A]

babe, do

[B]

you think about the Roman Empire once a month and him being like, oh, yeah. They were just loving that trend. They like. There was something about them loving being like, my boyfriend thinks about the Roman Empire. That's crazy. There was something in that, I think the psychology of. Why did you want that to be the case?

[A]

That's pathetic.

[B]

Yes, it is pathetic. But I'm like.

[A]

My ex was really, really, really, really into the Roman Empire. And at one point I bought him a sword. Like a Roman sword. I had to get a. A weapon license in order to buy a sword.

[B]

Wow. Wait, you had to get a sword license? Yeah, I got a sword license for you.

[A]

It's in, like, my. Whatever police thing. What's it called?

[B]

Oh, you're like. Like your profile.

[A]

Yeah. It says that she's allowed to carry a Danish sword.

[B]

You're allowed to carry a sword?

[A]

Well, yeah, but I have to have a sword.

[B]

You have sword bearing rights?

[A]

Yeah. And then. Because then I wanted to give it to him and he. I wasn't allowed legally to give it to him until he had a license too. It was a whole thing because he was. So we went to Rome for like a holiday and it was the worst thing.

[B]

I think the only people that have.

[A]

Oh, so it's boring.

[B]

Are like, incels. Yeah. With katanas.

[A]

With what?

[B]

Katanas.

[A]

I don't know what that is.

[B]

The Japanese sword. Oh, the samurai sword.

[A]

Yeah. It's not good, is it?

[B]

No, it's not.

[A]

It wasn't. But this was before. That was a very bad sign, I think.

[B]

Such a bad. If you were to date a guy and you went back to his house and he had a katana, I think that you have to walk straight back

[A]

out on the list of things you don't want to see.

[B]

It is. It is katana. Jordan Peterson's Rules for Life. Black sheets, black satin sheets. Satin sheets are such a sign that a man has been like. Man has heard the song. Like the song lyrics or the. The book. Things are blank and he had satin sheets. Nights in white satin, all that stuff. And it's like. Nothing is more disgusting than a satin sheet. The feel of satin. I don't want anything in me. If you've got satin in your house.

[A]

I once bought, and I never used it in my defense, but bedding that was like furry, like a. You know, like when you buy like a furry, like Bed spread. Like a. Do you know what I mean? A. Furry is the wrong word. Harry.

[B]

Harry. Oh, hairy. When you buy the bedding, that's hairy.

[A]

Do you know what's it called?

[B]

Hairy bedding.

[A]

Frothy.

[B]

No.

[A]

What's it called?

[B]

Hairy.

[A]

Yeah. Shut up. What's it called?

[B]

Furry, I guess. Do you mean like faux fur?

[A]

Little hair?

[B]

Yeah, the little hairs. You mean like fur? Like an animal's fur, but fake.

[A]

Yeah, but fake.

[B]

Yeah. Fur. Like you had it with fur. You did not need to go to Harry. Frothy. I don't know what you're thinking. The foam, foamy. The liquid bedding. The cafe latte bedding.

[A]

And I never used it, but I had this fantasy, like, oh, it would be really nice to lie under this. Like.

[B]

Yeah, it would be. That's very Danish. It's very Viking. I think that's your ancestors coming through.

[A]

Oh, wow. It was also purple. What animal have I killed?

[B]

Oh, God. A lesbian. Are they? Then barista Is what you've killed for? Purple fur sheets

[A]

and my black satin sheets. Welcome.

[B]

Oh, my God. Disgusting. If I came over your house and you had black satin sheets with a purple faux fur duvet.

[A]

Oh, hello. I have never been in a relationship and I don't know why.

[B]

Would you like to find out what fingering is together?

[A]

And he's like, I'm gay. He's like, okay, well, I have no idea. I'm only here because I was thinking maybe Daniel Fox is too. Oh, my God. Can I say, before we end this episode, if you are the person and you. If you feel like you recognize yourself in this anecdote about me having a crush on you and then you being in love with Daniel Fox, I need you to know it's not you. Because this has happened more than once. I just want to make that absolutely clear that the reason it's even more embarrassing is that this is something that has happened before in my life.

[B]

It really.

[A]

And I. It does not thrill me that your type is someone who's in love with you.

[B]

It's men that would fancy me because that's such a particular diagram. Like Venn diagram.

[A]

But you know what? We just need. We need you to fall in love with someone who stands straight. Because don't you think it then works the other way around? Don't you think that. Don't you think that you would then fancy someone who would then fancy me? Don't you think that because we're friends

[B]

again, all of the butch women I'm chasing down the streets of Brighton would Fancy me? Of course they would. They would walk into a Lucy and Yak and see you and go weak at the knees. Weak at their padded knees because they're on the way back from their roller skate class. Roller derby.

[A]

That's.

[B]

So that's the vendor. That's the.

[A]

The love.

[B]

Square triangle.

[A]

Yeah. Square, yeah. We would have a lovely double date.

[B]

Yeah. But we'd each be longing for each other's.

[A]

For each other's partners.

[B]

Yeah. Or rather, each other's partners would be longing for us, like.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Because it doesn't work the other way around.

[B]

Jesus. Meanwhile, we would be longing for people that were at the opposite tables.

[A]

Queer maths is so exhausting.

[B]

Queer maths is hard, and I wish they taught it more.

[A]

I was gonna. Well, you've already given a law. I mean, obviously, you're now living in Sophie land.

[B]

Yeah. Hi. Thank you for having me on the show.

[A]

Yes. Do you have a quick law?

[B]

I have a very long law, and I'm gonna give it to anyone.

[A]

Please do.

[B]

I have a new law.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

That I want to suggest that we bring into your land. And this is a thing I stand by in real life, and it's not a popular. It's quite controversial. I also think it makes me seem right wing, but it's not. Okay. I would like to bring back the death penalty.

[A]

Yeah, no, that's already it. We already have that in Sophie land.

[B]

I just want it for specific things.

[A]

That's fine. Yes. Usually that's how it works.

[B]

I want the death penalty for these specific things I would like punishable by death. Ghosting, bad breath, animal cruelty. Clavicular.

[A]

What? What's that?

[B]

The looks.

[A]

Clavicular. Yeah.

[B]

Cut you saying that. Because everyone knows who clavicular is, who it is most famous looks. Maxer.

[A]

I don't know what is looks. Looks, Max. Wow.

[B]

I know what looks maxing is. How old are you?

[A]

Looks maxing.

[B]

All the boys on TikTok that are, like, hammering face and like, doing weird exercises to try and make themselves look like the perfect. What they think the perfect man is. Clavicular is like the lead of them

[A]

and he's like a. Oh, it's a man called Clavicular. Well, he would never get in.

[B]

Well, because he's dead because of him being killed.

[A]

Fair enough. You kill him at the bottom.

[B]

Clavicular, saying, I could be a vegetarian if it wasn't for bacon trying to open a toilet door that says occupied, bad hairdressers. Anyone who's been in a flash mob in the last Six years.

[A]

I feel like some of these are personal. Some of these. I feel attacked.

[B]

Why?

[A]

I sometimes have bad breath and I

[B]

try to not have never had bad breath.

[A]

Okay. Thank you.

[B]

That I've ever encountered. Have you been in a flash mob in the last six years?

[A]

No.

[B]

I would walk out of this flat.

[A]

Flash mops are illegal in Sophie land. I hate flash mops. With such a bad. Can I tell you about the worst one I ever saw? Worst slash best one I ever saw?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No one cared. It was at, like an event, like a big event. And it was like a. Like a corporate event where a bunch of different companies were invited. And then one of the companies had decided to do a flash mob. So it's like a big busy. Like, everyone's talking and chatting, like, standing up among themselves.

[B]

Where are we? What's the room?

[A]

We're in like. Like a. Like a ballroom type of thing.

[B]

Oh, like a big, like rented.

[A]

Like a big ballroom for, like a bunch of companies to all get together. And then what? I think it was. I don't know if it was one day more from Les Mis, but something

[B]

similar as a dance.

[A]

It's like a bit. Yeah. Like, you go back and forth, like. And there was like, one of them started standing up and, like, singing. And then, like, people started joining in, but.

[B]

Oh, no one singing. Flash mob, dad. Yeah, of course.

[A]

No, but listen, it was the worst thing I've ever seen because everyone just. They just kept talking. No one did the thing that they want.

[B]

They talked. Oh, my God. They didn't stop.

[A]

Touch. No, people just kept going. So there was like, tragic all around them, like 40 people. Something being like. Do you hear the people saying? And people were just like. Like someone would be like, right here going. And people just. No one can. It was.

[B]

They're like, so what are you doing in the second quarter of the year? Oh, my God.

[A]

And just.

[B]

Just Jenny still work there. She was lovely. Were you at the one of these from last. From last year.

[A]

Were you the worst and best thing you've ever heard, Hoping that everyone would go?

[B]

Yeah, they want everyone to stop and go. This is what life is about. Oh, my God, this is so joyous. Fuck you. This isn't about you. It's so pathetic to know that. They've practiced that every Friday morning for the last, like two months. They've been. They're all like that. It's knowing that each of the ones. That's about, like, waiting their turn to go enjoy it in the group. Oh, my God. I thought she was just by the buffet table. But she's part of this too. Like, and you know that they were sitting there with, like, shaking hands, waiting because my mom is coming, my moment's coming. And then everyone clap. It's disgusting. I think it's such a horrible instinct.

[A]

I can't. I cannot do it. I can't deal with it because it is expecting the. The rest of us to. We. You can only have one reaction to it, and that is. Oh, my God.

[B]

What?

[A]

This is really.

[B]

What's going on.

[A]

You're not allowed to go. Not today. I'm not in a flash mob kind of mood today.

[B]

I just got dumped.

[A]

I just got dumped. I'm just here to get a burger and go home.

[B]

And now, like, Norma, and now I have to, like, sales is dancing in front of me and, you know, making eye contact while she's doing it.

[A]

And there are cameras because they're doing it for a viral.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

Has there ever been a flash map that wasn't for him? And if there was, I would love

[B]

to know what happens in the woods. And no one is there to record it.

[A]

There's no one cringe. But, like. Right. Has there ever been a flashback that wasn't meant to be recorded?

[B]

No. They all think if there is, great.

[A]

I would. I would. I would like that. That'd be fine. If no one could ever film it, it wasn't allowed to be filmed. That feels kind of fun.

[B]

They're all. They all think they're about to be the next big YouTube sensation and be on Ellen. I think the first people to ever have done one. If I could go back in time and kill the first people that ever did flash mob when they were babies, I would do that.

[A]

If I could go back in time and kill one baby, the baby that would end up coming up with flash mobs.

[B]

I fully agree.

[A]

And I think.

[B]

And I can't think of anyone else.

[A]

I don't. I can't think of a worse person to go back in history and kill than the person who invented flash mobs,

[B]

But I think the first people that ever did it. Fine. I'm sure that actually was delightful. What's going on? That's crazy because it would have been pre phones, but even the second people that ever did it is so pathetic to me. And it is the same instinct as the people on TikTok and Instagram who comment the same joke that someone else made, you know, and they pretend like they're the first ones to ever do it.

[A]

Won the Internet today.

[B]

That's the original.

[A]

You Just won the Internet, sir.

[B]

You just won the Internet today. But also there's new ones. There's ones right now where it's like my first five seconds of opening the app today, by the way, mind you. Like, they just like reuse things that like Brittany Broski said like two years ago. And they're like commenting it as if it's their thing. And then all the comments underneath are being like, oh my God, this comment. This comment crazy. It's like, yeah, this comment which someone else said:6 months ago and this person has just seen it and is now repeating it verbatim.

[A]

It's the equivalent of having a notebook with a joke on. On the front.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Which I may or may not have spoken about a million times before, but I stand by it. If you have a note, if you have. If you're wearing someone else's joke.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If you're carrying something that has someone else's joke on, what are you doing?

[B]

Yeah. And there will be so many people listening to this that have done it. And that's fine. Just quietly get rid of it. Now. It is the same thing as buying.

[A]

Also, if it's my merch with my joke, that's also.

[B]

Oh, that's fine. If it's our merch, that's fine.

[A]

You're allowed to.

[B]

That's different.

[A]

That's different.

[B]

It's so different. But it's also. It's the same thing as when people buy a totally pre made Halloween costume, mass produced, put it on and then arrive at your party.

[A]

Like, and it's like, yeah, now I'm

[B]

your pre bought joke. Because you're thinking of your elephant costume.

[A]

No, because I usually mix the elephant costume with something funny.

[B]

Yes, exactly. Which is funny. But you're adding a choice.

[A]

But I wouldn't mind just wearing a. See, I do understand. No, I understand your point.

[B]

People that arrive. Oh, here's going on my list. Anyone who's ever put on the weird rubbery horse head mask and thinks that they are funny. Oh, crazy. Yeah. You and the other 3 million non binary Tumblr nerds that have done that.

[A]

Any. What's it called?

[B]

It's my third joke about non binary people in this episode. I'm just really hating on you.

[A]

Any Hindu. What's it called when it's not a bachelor party where they have to dress up and they have to dress up in public.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And for them, this is the biggest moment of their lives because they are like, there's the first time in their lives whether they can't be Normative. So they are so self aware.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they're just like. And no one gives a. No one cares. Okay. You're a man wearing a wig.

[B]

I couldn't give a. Oh, my God. When they come to comedy shows and they do.

[A]

They talk about the guy and everyone's like, the hat. The sombrero.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The guy in the front row wearing a sombrero.

[B]

And their friends are just waiting. They're like, any minute now, they're gonna bring up that Dave's wearing a hat.

[A]

The best.

[B]

I don't give a.

[A]

The best stage experiences I've ever had was just ignor. The man on the front row wearing a sombrero for the entire. It was a one out. It was a preview, a one hour show. He sat there, had to sit there and wear the hat. And I never mentioned this because you.

[B]

You had a. A stag do come to a preview.

[A]

Yeah, it was my first. My first show.

[B]

Sophie Hagen, Brighton Media Brighton. So funny. Yeah. The thought of a stag do thinking. Because their thought process would have been like, we're gonna take Dave.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

To a stack. To a comedian's thing. And then they went to see.

[A]

Oh, she's gonna take the piss. She's just gonna take the picture. He's gonna be wearing us. We're gonna make him wear sombrero. Because then she's gonna take the piss. And I'm just like, hi. So my dad left and here's my joke about it.

[B]

Social justice thoughts.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I've had.

[A]

Goodbye. I hope you feel real proud of yourself.

[B]

They just get to the end and they're like, well, I guess I learned some things today.

[A]

Yeah. Can I take off the sombrero now? Yes. Yes. Take off the temperature. I think you need to take this umbrella off.

[B]

She should take this umbrella off.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And maybe make fun of it.

[A]

No, I think she just thinks I'm someone who wears a sombrero in real life, actually. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Do you think when she talked to me in the crowd and she didn't say he. Do you think that was out of respect.

[A]

Out of respect for the sombrero? I would never call you out for wearing a sombrero. I. I only agree with some of those. Oh, I thought you were finished. Because you've killed half my population.

[B]

I'm adding people that have worn the horse hat that has killed.

[A]

Okay, fair enough.

[B]

Listeners, the guy on TikTok giving people the bad colored contact implants. Have you seen them?

[A]

No. What is your algorithm?

[B]

He's this.

[A]

People who are smashing up Their faces.

[B]

The fact that you don't know looks. Looks maxing is a major gap in your pop culture knowledge that we need to fill in. After this.

[A]

I feel like it's okay. I feel like I don't need to know.

[B]

This is huge.

[A]

I'm going to stop being now.

[B]

It's like manosphere levels are big.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Looks maxing is like, the new thing. You need to know about this. I'll tell you after. You also need to know about it that you know about it. There's this guy, this surgeon. He's gone very viral. He keeps giving people, like, permanent contacts, essentially, where they, like, laser a contact in. And he's like, you're gonna have the most beautiful realistic hazel eyes. And then it, like, zooms out and they honestly look like the Zombies out of 28 days later. Like, they all have the most insane. Just one block color contact lens in, where they're like, oh, my God, they look like aliens. And every single one of them afterwards, the most famous one, he's like, okay, open your eyes. It's done. And it's always them, like, seeing themselves in the mirror for the first time. And they, like, open their eyes and the guy goes, wow. He's like, it's good, right? And he's like, yeah. Is it permanent? And the guy's like, yeah, it's permanent. And he's like, I love it. And he looks awful. Oh, my God, he looks awful. That man needs to be electric chaired.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Away with him. Oh, my God.

[B]

And finally, people who air drum, people who listen to music and do this, Especially on, like, a train.

[A]

Oh, yes. Yes. In public. Yes.

[B]

I don't mind. What you do in your house behind closed doors is fine. I'm talking about the people that are in public. And it's. It's a performance for the public. And what they're saying is, I know how to drum.

[A]

Yeah, okay, I see. I do understand that. I. I do.

[B]

I just. I just want to add. I once saw a guy do this, not even drumming. Headphones in. Piano air. Piano air, keyboard.

[A]

I feel like these all have something in common. What is it? Is it people just being unaware?

[B]

No, it's too aware. It's people being like they're showing off.

[A]

The thing that they are doing is. Has nothing to do with them. It has everything to do with how we should be reacting to them.

[B]

Yeah. They want.

[A]

They're trying to direct us, to have a specific reaction.

[B]

Yes. And almost all of them are things I would have done at 16.

[A]

Yes. Because that's what you did when you were 16.

[B]

Yeah. Because you're. You want attention. It's all, like, attention seeking in a way that we all should have learned not to do by the time we hit our 20s.

[A]

We say that as comedians. Why is. Why does everyone want attention anyways?

[B]

All these people, they keep coming to my show and wearing a hat.

[A]

Why do you want attention? I'm the one who gets the attention. How dare you. Oh, God. People just. What is wrong with people?

[B]

People are pathetic. People are pathetic.

[A]

I'm the one in the light. I'm the one whose voice should be amplified.

[B]

So death penalty for all of them.

[A]

Yes, but not us, because we're perfect.

[B]

That's my law.

[A]

Okay, that's. I mean, I'm going to veto some of them. I. I'm going to veto some of them. I think for some of them.

[B]

Which ones?

[A]

The punishment is more about, like, intense therapy. We. We. Death penalty, definitely. That. That incel. Looks Maxing guy. Yeah, Anyone who. And anyone who has that name.

[B]

Okay, tell me which ones are death and which ones aren't ghosting?

[A]

No, no, no. I think sometimes that's better. I would rather have someone ghost me than be like, hi, I'm so sorry. I just don't feel like we. You. Why do you assume. Why do you assume I'm into you? No, well, I'm fine with.

[B]

But most of us, yes, I'm fine if you ghost for, like, two or three days, whatever.

[A]

I mean, not ghosting after, like, a certain time. But I don't think death penalty. I think.

[B]

I think death penalty.

[A]

That's fine. I'm just vetoing it.

[B]

What if you've, like, messaged them three times going, like, if you're like, it's been like, what if you've been seeing someone for, like, six months, they ghost and you've sent multiple messages being like, can you please just let me know, like, what is going on? I just want to. I. And this is okay, but, like, I do.

[A]

I do think that should be punished, but I think what we should have. We should have some kind of, like, Google Maps, Google reviews system where when someone does that to you at a certain point, it triggers, like, an alarm. That then means that every single one of that person's friends get a notification that is like, your friend has just done this. Oh, your friend is just ignored their new partner or their. The person they're dating.

[B]

I know we don't have time. And you keep looking at your laptops. You want to end this, but can we implement, like, a slight A second law, which is the Black Mirror episode where we can rape people.

[A]

I haven't seen that one, but I

[B]

said you can rate people like Uber and you could. I would like to be able to leave comments. I think we should have a running CV in our lives.

[A]

I think so, but I think it should be centrally controlled because otherwise you don't trust people.

[B]

Yeah, I think there should be someone by your government.

[A]

Yes, exactly.

[B]

Yeah. It has to be like moderated.

[A]

Yeah, it has to be moderate.

[B]

Submit the comment, it's fact checked and then it's left. It's not. You can't just troll. But like, I want. When I date a new person, I want a CV and a cover letter and I want to speak to like two of your exes.

[A]

Yes, yes, yes. We should all be available to. Yes, yes.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And the therapist, we need to have a one on one with it. And they have server therapy.

[B]

Let me speak to a parent if you still get on with them. Let me speak to a friend and let me speak to two of your exes. And please send me your stating cv. Life at cv and a cover letter.

[A]

Yeah, I think that's fair. And also their friends are involved and they'll know how things are going, how they treat you.

[B]

Yeah. All of those people are updated on how. How each day went.

[A]

That's fine. But no, and then only if you're really. If then everyone agrees after a while that you should die, then yes.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I don't think death penalty for bad breath, but I think maybe just like more dental awareness. Free. Free dental. Free dental.

[B]

Animal cruelty.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Gone. Dead. I shouldn't have said I was boring.

[A]

No, I quite like that. That's part of it. Because it shows how much you really care about the other stuff.

[B]

Single ply toilet paper.

[A]

Yeah, we don't have that.

[B]

Yeah, clavicular. You'll know when I get him saying I could be a veteran if it wasn't for bacon.

[A]

Well, I don't think death penalty, but I do think like a little slap in the face. A little slap of like, then just eat bacon and be a vegetarian.

[B]

I think a little slap of barbiturates. Trying to open a toilet door that Kalyn says occupied.

[A]

Yeah. But also sometimes the signs are not that clear. And sometimes.

[B]

Well, I'm talking when it's clear.

[A]

When it's clear. Fair enough.

[B]

It's red.

[A]

I think I'm sitting in a bathroom

[B]

and then you hear the door jangling.

[A]

Yeah, but I think then we just need every time there is a clear sign, we Just electrocute the door. So if you touch it, you're.

[B]

Yeah, it's like.

[A]

Like the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park.

[B]

I was literally about to say it's like the gates in Jurassic park and it's so strong that it throws them back into the wall behind. Yeah, okay. The bad hairdresser. A bad hairdresser.

[A]

Yeah. You should pass a test.

[B]

Yes. And I think that test should be like.

[A]

There probably is a test.

[B]

I think, I think. Well, there's schools. But I think it should be. I think it should take as long to become a hairdresser as it does

[A]

to become a doctor.

[B]

A full doctor, like past junior doctor. They should be called junior hairdresser until they're 35 years old.

[A]

Yes, I agree.

[B]

Okay. Anyone who's been in a flash mob in the last six years.

[A]

Well, yeah, but also just a concept. Even if you're. If you're caught planning a flash mob, you're dead.

[B]

The guy on TikTok giving people bad colored implants. I'll show you him after.

[A]

Yeah, he's gone.

[B]

People who air drum or air any.

[A]

Yeah, no, yeah, there's an issue, but I think therapy for them, for them. I think they're hurting. I think if you see someone air drum, there's someone in deep, deep pain.

[B]

So not physical death, but ego death.

[A]

Yes, ego death.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Ego death penalty.

[B]

Thank you. Ego death penalty.

[A]

When people go and see you perform,

[B]

pouring all around the UK from like May until December, you can find me on danielfox.co.uk.com and it's a very good show.

[A]

Thank you. And you've also got.

[B]

Do you want to sit today?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Do you tonight?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

That was just for me, not for you. You guys can't see it tonight.

[B]

You guys can't sold out.

[A]

Also, you haven't seen this.

[B]

And also this hasn't gone out yet. Do you guys want to see it tomorrow?

[A]

Call me, call me. Okay. Thank you so much.

[B]

Thank you so much. Bye bye.

[A]

Thank you so much for listening to that episode. If you want some sweet, sweet, sweet special extra bonus content, do go and sign up to Patreon or Substack and within the week you'll get an extra fun bonus episode. And there's so much fun. And there are so much. Did I mention fun? Go to Patreon or Substack. The links are in the show notes. And I'll see you on tour. I'll be all over the place. The Edinburgh Fringe, Soho Theater, Denmark, Sweden, Germany, Netherlands and all over the uk. And more dates will be announced soon. Please sign up for my newsletter. The link is also in the show notes and just big thank you. Thank you for subscribing. Thank you for telling people about the podcast. It's completely self produced. I don't know if I've mentioned it, but I love you very much and thank you for listening and I will speak to you again soon. Thank you so much. Bye. Here's the end jingle made by me.