Krystal Evans - Can animals be bad?

Summary

Sofieland with Sofie Hagen

Episode: Krystal Evans – Can animals be bad?
Date: March 10, 2026
Guest: Krystal Evans (comedian, author)
Theme: A comedic exploration of morality in animals, “badness,” laws for a fictional nation, and the intersection of fantasy, horniness, and personal quirks.

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Episode Overview

This episode features a playful, freewheeling conversation between host Sofie Hagen and comedian Krystal Evans. They riff on the concept of “bad” animals, the moral capabilities of non-humans, and what kind of laws they’d create if they ran their own country. The discussion ranges from the silly to the insightful, weaving in personal anecdotes, philosophical musings, and plenty of stand-up-style humor.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Admission to “Sofieland” and Inventing Laws

• Krystal's Inclusion: Sofie “officially” welcomes Krystal to her fictional utopia, Sofieland, proposing that Krystal join the government to provide Aquarian diversity.
• Inventing Laws: They brainstorm absurd and sinister laws, like public murders sanctioned by group vote, legalizing murder in special circumstances, and eating the worst-behaved people – all delivered with comic exaggeration.
  • Krystal jokes: “You have to do it in public. Everybody has to. And everybody has to agree that it’s cool to murder this person as well.” (02:39)

2. Can Animals Be ‘Bad’?

• Moral Judgments on Animals: Krystal questions why badness is attributed only to humans, proposing there must be misbehaving animals who deserve “dolphin jail.”
  • Krystal: "Why do we think that only humans have the capacity to be really bad? I think there must be bad animals." (03:14)
• ‘Bad’ Animal Logic: The comedians riff on the ethics of eating misbehaving animals (or just male animals, since many are responsible for non-consensual animal sex).
  • Sofie: "We just eat all the men ducks." (06:28)

3. Cannibalism and Pop Culture

• The conversation moves into cannibalism in survival situations, referencing the film Alive and its Spanish remake.
  • Krystal, on the original film’s American casting: “Ethan Hawke being called Jesus.” (04:43)
• They poke fun at actors playing real-life survivors in traumatic stories, imagining awkward performances from the actual people involved.

4. Morality in Animals vs. Humans

• Debate whether animals can be morally bad, or whether these are human-imposed judgments.
  • Krystal: “I think it’s arrogant of us to think that our brains are so much more advanced than animals, that that’s why we have morals.” (10:31)
  • Sofie: “Can you be a morally bad animal, or... because we know they don’t have morals because they’re animals, then we don’t judge them for it?” (10:24)

5. Daydreams and Escapism

• Krystal shares her recurring daydream of being plucked from obscurity at a pub and wowing everyone as an impromptu lead singer:
  • Krystal: “I sing. I’m the lead singer of this, like, rock band. And people are like, ‘whoa, yeah. Krystal’s a really good singer.’” (12:55)
• They both relate to fantasies of being humble-yet-talented stars.

6. Attraction, Dating, and Deal-breakers

• Krystal confesses to having newfound street-level sexual fantasies and discusses her “type”—mainly preferring humor, intelligence, and creative people, plus a taste for Scottish accents.
  • Krystal: “Maybe I do have a physical type, but I don’t want to, like, say it because what if then I date somebody who’s not like that?” (17:37)
• Deal-breakers: can’t have ex’s or son’s name, can’t be in the same industry as her ex, no comedian dating via apps.

7. Modern Dating, Apps, and Boundaries

• Insights on the awkwardness of dating apps, especially when others try too hard to impress comedians.
  • Krystal on comedians trying to be funny: “Oh, no, you can’t use this in your stand up. I’m like, dude, you should be so lucky.” (18:50)
• Reflections on ethical non-monogamy, creativity as a must, and the perils of matching with co-workers.

8. Crimes and Escape Fantasies

• Krystal suggests the crime she’d most likely commit is car theft.
  • Krystal: “I think I could steal a car. And I think that would be very exciting. … I would try and be so smart about this and get away with it for as long as possible.” (26:10 - 27:47)
• Both discuss hiding out in Mexico or Spanish-speaking countries, and riff on learning Spanish.

9. Racism, Cognitive Dissonance, and Hometowns

• Discussion of American racism, confusing attitudes toward Spanish language and culture, and a story about Twilight tourism in Krystal’s hometown.
  • Krystal describes Forks, WA (Twilight setting) and recounts a racist incident during the BLM protests (35:44).

10. Climate & Personal Preferences

• Krystal is unbothered by weather, preferring places for reasons other than climate, but admits the Scottish darkness is tough.

11. Quickfire Personal Routine & Plugs

• Krystal’s “dead inside” food answer: “I guess popcorn.” (37:19)
• Krystal plugs her book Hot Girl at Burn Camp, upcoming Soho Theatre show, and her podcast ‘Chris and Krystal Are in Heat’.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Bad Animals:

  • Krystal: “I think there must be like a dickhead rhino out there that the other rhinos are like, ‘oh, for God’s sake.’” (11:08)

• On Eating Male Ducks:

  • Sofie: “We just eat all the men ducks.” (06:28)

• On Fantasies About Strangers:

  • Krystal: “I found myself kind of having fantasies about men I would just pass in the street.” (15:15)

• On Comedians on Dating Apps:

  • Sofie: “Oh, no, you can’t use this in your stand up. I’m like, dude, you should be so lucky.” (18:50 - 18:58)
  • Krystal: “No, you’re terribly uninteresting. No one would give a – oh God.” (18:59 - 19:02)

• On Stealing a Car:

  • Krystal: “I would try and be like. See, in a film, somebody would steal a car and, like, skit. Tires skidding around the corner. I would try. I would be like, I’m gonna be so smart about this and get away with it for as long as possible.” (27:19 - 27:47)

• On Racist Cognitive Dissonance:

  • Krystal, on a racist acquaintance: “…her celebrity was a black person, like, that she would want to marry or whatever. And I’m like, this is classic stuff.” (32:26 - 32:56)

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Segment Timestamps

• Main Law Invention / Bad Animals: 01:22 – 03:49
• Ethics of Animals and Cannibalism: 03:13 – 08:43
• Moral Philosophy in Animals vs. Humans: 10:01 – 11:45
• Daydreams & Talented Fantasy: 11:45 – 14:57
• On Attraction and Dating Preferences: 15:09 – 20:39
• Crime and Escaping: 24:32 – 28:15
• On Learning Languages and American Racism: 29:21 – 32:13
• Forks, WA and Twilight Tourism: 34:44 – 36:17
• Climate, Rain, and Being “Dead Inside”: 36:29 – 37:19
• Outro and Plugs: 37:19 – 38:15

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Final Thoughts

This episode strikes a balance between quick-fire observational comedy and deeper musings about morality, both human and animal. Listeners will enjoy the tongue-in-cheek lawmaking, candid confessions, and bite-sized anecdotes, all delivered in the hosts’ signature warm, irreverent tone.

For more from Krystal Evans:

• Book: Hot Girl at Burn Camp
• Instagram: @crystal.evans.comedy
• Podcast: Chris and Krystal Are in Heat

For more Sofieland:

• See tour dates and support on Patreon/Substack via sofiehagen.com

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(This summary omits promotional segments, intros and outros, focusing solely on the substantive and entertaining conversation.)

Transcript

[A]

Dear citizens of Sophie land, I will let you listen to the episode in approximately 60 seconds. But first I just want to let you know that my brand new show, I think some of this is my fault, will be going to the Edinburgh Fringe this August and then in November I'm taking it to Soho Theater in London. Then it's going on tour to Denmark, Copenhagen, Unser and Aarhus, Sweden, Melmurg and Stockholm. Then I'm going to Berlin, I'm going to Rotterdam. The UK dates have just come out which are Leicester, Sheffield, Selby, Edinburgh, Glasgow, Aberdeen, Birmingham, Manchester, Liverpool, Reading, Brighton, Cambridge, London and Exeter. Tickets can be found on sophie hagen.com link is in the show notes alongside the link for the Patreon or the substack. Because this podcast is self produced, meaning I do all of the stuff, I do the editing, the uploading, the booking of the guests, the interviews, every single effing thing. So your support means the whole world to me. So if you sign up for the Patreon or the substack, you will get extra fun bonus content and you get to support me. I really appreciate it. I really love you. Thank you so much for listening. Please enjoy this episode. Thank you. Crystal Evans, welcome back.

[B]

Thank you. Next week, huh? Yeah.

[A]

Wearing exactly the same as you did last year.

[B]

I just, I, yeah, I, I just, I thought I would for continuity just dress exactly the same. I thought my, my fringe looks like just like it did last week as well. Blow dried it in a really weird way.

[A]

Grown one inch.

[B]

No.

[A]

Okay, so I've decided that you're allowed to live in Sophie land and I would like you to be part of the government.

[B]

Okay, great. So as even as an Aquarius.

[A]

Yeah, it's fine. We need diversity.

[B]

Yeah, great.

[A]

In the government.

[B]

Diversity higher.

[A]

We need an aquarium. Listen guys, we need a diversity higher.

[B]

I know why I got this job.

[A]

Yes, it is the only reason. It's the only reason. What's your law that you want to instate?

[B]

Is murder illegal already?

[A]

I, I, I mean, yeah, let's, let's just go with that. Well, I don't, I don't know. I've been reading about old civilizations and well like before there was civilizations like when we were just like nomads and stuff and like the murder thing, like I feel like if it's fair. Yeah, I, I don't know. I think I'm, I'm changing my mind a little bit about, I think some people it would be just be better.

[B]

Yeah. Because if you were gonna say that it is illegal, I was gonna say let's make it legal. Okay. Go on. Go on. Yeah, but here's the catch, okay?

[A]

You have to do all the murders.

[B]

Well, you have to do it in public. Everybody has to. And everybody has to agree that it's cool to murder this person as well. Okay?

[A]

So, like, we all vote on who gets who has to die.

[B]

I thought of this as well, actually. Wait, okay, so you cut out my first one because that was really dumb. I was trying to make it funny, and it never went fun.

[A]

I'm taking this very seriously.

[B]

Okay, Right. Okay. So do you know how, like, a lot of people don't eat meat because it's not really ethical these days? Right. Okay. So I think I have a solution to this.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Okay. So some people are really bad and need to be murdered.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And I also think, like, why do we think that. I might regret saying this. Why do we think that only humans have the capacity to be really bad? I think there must be bad animals. Well, you know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

There must be bad animals out there. Like ones that are like, what's wrong with you? Like, you're gonna go into dolphin jail or whatever, you know?

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Those are the ones that we can eat.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Of all the places I thought you were gonna take this. I was nervous along the way.

[B]

I was gonna do cannibalism as well. I'm like, we could eat.

[A]

Yeah, I thought you were gonna go there, but.

[B]

But then I thought, that's too dark. Such as my sexual harassment joke from last week.

[A]

And, well, I feel like. Is. Doesn't history say that human meat is really bad? Like, when people have had to eat each other?

[B]

I thought, I've heard it's good. I've heard it tastes like ham.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Like, we taste like pork. Oh. Did you see that movie Alive?

[A]

Of course I've seen it. Have you seen the Spanish remake?

[B]

No. Is it good? Is it even better?

[A]

Yeah, better.

[B]

The funniest thing about the original Alive.

[A]

Tell me about the funniest thing about that movie. About the people who had to eat each other. Yeah, go on.

[B]

Funniest thing about it, because it is quite funny. Is that, like. Because. Because everything in it is, like, accurate when you look it up. But the only thing is they're all American in the films.

[A]

You're like, yes.

[B]

Damn it, Julio. Get over there. Get over here. It's so funny. It's like Ethan Hawke.

[A]

Oh, this is so funny. Ethan Hawke being called Jesus.

[B]

Can't believe you said that, Jose.

[A]

Can't believe this happened on the 4th of July.

[B]

Yeah, but that. But that's the. That's the only inaccurate thing, so it's funny.

[A]

But that's why you have the new one redone.

[B]

It was the Spanish. Yeah.

[A]

Yes, Good. And some of the original survives are playing, like, little roles in it.

[B]

Off. I bet they're terrible actors. I bet that they were gonna give them lines and then they were like, actually, this guy sucks.

[A]

Oh, they were just so traumatized that they kept breaking down and they're like, this was a horrible idea.

[B]

Well, we do have something to eat.

[A]

Each other. No, that's not. But that's how we spoke. I don't think it was how you spoke.

[B]

God, this guy's terrible because he's trembling.

[A]

He's reliving the worst trauma of his life.

[B]

Yeah, but we can't put it on film. We're not going to shift any tickets this way, boys.

[A]

They've edited in the way where, like, the camera will cut to them and they'll go. And then it cuts back. I'm the one guy who never speaks, just crying in the corner the whole time.

[B]

Sorry. So the law about that. That was one lie.

[A]

Okay, so, okay, but do you. But are there bad animals? Isn't that something that happens with. Isn't. Isn't it just people?

[B]

Why do we. Right.

[A]

Ducks. Ducks rape. Don't they.

[B]

There's loads of animals that rape.

[A]

Okay, well, then we'll eat them.

[B]

Yeah, but some of them, like, that's how they mate, which is bad.

[A]

That sounds like. That sounds made up from the patriarchy. That's the patriarchy talking. The patriarchal sharks do it.

[B]

I'm sorry. This is where you go, I bet

[A]

there are many ducks who have lovely consensual sex. And we just don't eat those.

[B]

A pillowy downy.

[A]

Oh, we just eat all the men. The men Ducks.

[B]

There we go.

[A]

Just eat all the men ducks.

[B]

Oh, the men. Ducks. Right, sorry.

[A]

We just eat all the men. All the males of any species.

[B]

Yeah. Also, I really like how in the Golden Compass books, everybody gets an animal companion. Oh, have you read the Golden Compass?

[A]

No.

[B]

Like the subtle knife and all that. It's basically an alternate, like, reality. It's like, kind of like our reality, but a bit different. And it's like a different dimension. And it's like they all have, like, an animal friend that they're born with. And it can. When you're a kid, it shape shifts to whatever. And then when you become an adult, it, like, solidifies into an animal that, like, represents your personality.

[A]

Couldn't we just get good pets.

[B]

But

[A]

no, it has to be a

[B]

shifting no, because they talk. And also, if they get too far from you, you feel like you can't breathe. So you have to, like, they stay with you, like, all the time, and they help you and give you advice, and they're kind of like your little animal slave.

[A]

Okay, so cannibalism, slavery, and.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And eating bad animals, weirdly, I prefer.

[B]

I know what laws are.

[A]

I preferred the one where you wanted us all to vote for people to die and then that to killed in the town square. It's like the most humane idea you've had so far.

[B]

Oh, my God. I should say I wrote a bit about bad animals and eating them, like, years ago. And totally coincidentally, Christopher MacArthur Boyd then wrote a bit about that as well. I think I abandoned my bit after one or two times doing it, and I don't think he ever saw me doing it, but when he wrote it, it was really funny.

[A]

Oh, that's annoying, isn't it?

[B]

I know. So I just have to say that before anybody's like, crystal's Talking about Christopher MacArthur bit boys say it on Sophie Hagen's podcast. I know about the bit. Okay. What other law could we enact? It's like you have to either go really silly or extremely sincere, or you could go the thing like, wait for people to get off the bus before you get on the bus. That's a law I could implement.

[A]

That is extremely serious. I mean, it is very annoying when people don't. But we can combine them, and if they do that when they're not menu. We kill them in the town square and then eat them.

[B]

Perfect.

[A]

And combine the whole. Yeah, yeah. We feed them.

[B]

Sue, is this a town, a city, a. A planet?

[A]

It's a nation.

[B]

It's a nation.

[A]

It's a nation. Yeah, it's a nation.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I found a. I think.

[B]

Cuz you're a dictator.

[A]

Yes, yes, yes. I found a. This. A country no one was using.

[B]

Great.

[A]

No one's. Canada. No one's upset. No one's upset about me being there. There was no one there. But now we're there.

[B]

Now we're there. Canadians are like, we're here. E. You're like, shut up.

[A]

I just found this place, and there's no one here. Did you hear it?

[B]

I am.

[A]

People are allowed to leave, by the way.

[B]

It's not like they're allowed to leave.

[A]

Yeah. I'm a good, good dictator.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

This is like a bad boyfriend that you're like, God, he's so nice. Today he asked me how my day was. You know, you're like, wow, she let me leave.

[A]

No, I. But also. But you don't want to leave. That's the point. You don't feel like leaving because it's so nice.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, okay.

[A]

I mean, it was until you arrived and started killing. Killing and eating people.

[B]

But the animal friends. Yeah, I was gonna say.

[A]

But other actual. I mean, yeah, there could be bad species of animals, I guess, if they. If they go around.

[B]

This is really up. What? Oh, you're gonna just stop the whole species?

[A]

No, we just agreed that some of them were the male.

[B]

Oh, the sharks. Right? The male sharks, Right. Yeah, yeah, they're bad.

[A]

But, like, otherwise, man, the only. Bad because of human men.

[B]

I keep thinking you mean human men.

[A]

I mean, that's my vibe. My vibe. And I'm like, yeah, we don't like men a lot. So that I understand why you think this is not. Like, isn't. Can you be a morally bad animal, or is that because we know they don't have morals because they're animals, then we don't judge them for it? Is that the problem?

[B]

Well, yeah.

[A]

Am I doing my. Because I'm like Christopher McArthur's bit now?

[B]

No, no, no. His bit is not even. But I think, like, I think it's arrogant of us to think that we. Our brains are so much more advanced than animals, that that's why we have morals. Right. Because it's like, are they, though? Because then they've proven all these things, such as, like, they do jokes and they make connections that we do as well. And, like. And also, do you have to be advanced? Like, what about the dumbest human. Do they have morals? You know what I mean?

[A]

This is a painfully good point.

[B]

Do you know what I mean?

[A]

Like, it makes me feel really sick.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm now going to.

[B]

I'm like, well, there must be. So that means there must be, like, a dickhead rhino out there that the other rhinos are like, oh, for God's sake.

[A]

Well, I think it's chimpanzees or gorillas are real cunts.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, real assholes. But then bonobo monkeys are real nice, and they, like, help each other out

[B]

according to us and what we think is nice. Right.

[A]

Mind blown.

[B]

Yeah. Sophie's just made me the dictator.

[A]

Yeah, well, you just made me a vegetarian, so I think I've been ousted from my own government. Yeah. Eating leaves somewhere. Do you daydream?

[B]

You're a daydreamer.

[A]

What do you. What's your daydream Go to.

[B]

Oh, okay, I got one. This is crazy that I have this. I actually tried to write a bit about this one time, and maybe I should go back to it, but it was like. So when I am trying to motivate myself, like, to go for a run or something like that, like, you know how, like, when, like, you're exercising or it's like cooking or, you know, whatever you're doing where you need, like, a mindless kind of thing to think. I will sometimes imagine that I am at a pub. This is very specific. Okay. I'm at a pub.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Sitting with a group of, like, people I respect. Like yourself and comedian. Maybe not you, but people you respect and me. Yeah, yeah. Like other comedians or writers or people that I like. And there's a band on at the pub.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And the lead singer can't sing for some reason, and they need someone else to step in, and it's me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And they're like, crystal could sing that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I sing. I'm the lead singer of this, like, rock band. And people are like, whoa, yeah. Crystal's a really good singer.

[A]

Yeah. But you're being humble about it.

[B]

That's it. Yeah, exactly. Well, I had to. I was made. I was made to do it.

[A]

I'm sorry. I'm sitting here with my friends, actually, and they go, please, please, you have to. And then because you're so humble about it, the comedians are like, oh, this is going to be so bad. It's going to be really bad now.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then when it's not, you're not just a good singer, you're also humble about it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you didn't even want to show it.

[B]

I didn't want to. I was made to do it. So it's like. And it's just like, guys, it's not a big deal. I'm just. I just have this skill.

[A]

But can you sing in real life?

[B]

Kind of.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Kind of, like, makes it less sad because that.

[A]

That's more like you're excited for the day where it happens.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

For those of us who can sing but have almost exactly the same daydream. Yeah. It feels more embarrassing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And what's the song you're singing?

[B]

Oh, my God. A lot of times it'll be show tunes. I know people hate show tunes, but a lot of times it will be like.

[A]

And I am telling you.

[B]

Oh, Dream Girls is. I love all of Dream Girls. I have played every part in Dream Girls in my head. Yeah, I'm the Beyonce. I'm that third one that no one remembers her name. Yeah, I'm Jennifer Hudson. Yeah, I've, like, played every role. I'm Jamie Foxx sometimes. Yeah, that's a great, great musical. Sunday in the park with George. That's a deep cut. It's Sondheim. What else? I mean, I love the Sound of Music. I'm always saying that. Thoroughly Modern Millie, sometimes. I went to musical theater school and so, yeah, I did.

[A]

And where? Like, in the UK or in.

[B]

No, in the us. In the us, Yeah. I had the bit about this in my show last year. Dad took out, like, several loans for me to go and then very graciously paid them back over the course of 10 years and never brought it up to me. And then I never pursued musical theater in any way except for this. These daydreams about.

[A]

Yeah, well, that's somehow. Yeah, kind of pursuing it in a way.

[B]

Exactly. So. So, yeah, that's something I daydream about. And also last year, thinking about sex all the time. It's incredible. It's crazy. I feel like I'm daydreaming.

[A]

Sex.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Any specific scenario? You don't have to go into details. Any specific scenarios?

[B]

I found myself last year for the first time in my whole entire life, and I never really understood this before. And I did nothing disrespectful, nothing inappropriate, but I found myself kind of having fantasies about men I would just pass in the street.

[A]

Oh, that's exciting.

[B]

I know. And I was like, I never even understood that before. Like, I was like. Because I know that men are like, she's fit. You know what I mean? And I'm like, I have to actually know somebody before I'm attracted to them. But, like, I would see men on the street and be like. And then, like, these, like, really horny thoughts would go through my head and like, crystal, what the fuck is wrong with you? Like, concentrate. Like, what? Oh. And you were like, what do I envision? Oh, my God. I don't even. I don't even know. Just like. Just like sex. Like, you heard of it?

[A]

Tell me, Mole, what is this I've heard? What do you want?

[B]

You want, like, specific things.

[A]

No, no, no, please.

[B]

I was like, what do you want?

[A]

This is ideally going on YouTube.

[B]

And I know we talked about Anal World already. Last episode. Analysis Planet. Oh, yeah, Planning anal.

[A]

Well, this is so much better. What's your type? Do you have a type?

[B]

Yeah, I think. Yeah.

[A]

Scottish accent.

[B]

Oh, got that one. Yeah, Love that.

[A]

Not English.

[B]

Yeah, I Mean, listen, I'm not against an English person. If I, I just don't, I don't dig like, you know, primally. If I met somebody who's English was cool, obviously, like, that'd be fine.

[A]

What are the odds?

[B]

What are they, like 60, 70 of them? No, but I just, I guess it's like what I would associate with a posh English accent that I don't like. And obviously not everybody who has that accent fits that, so I'm being really unfair probably. And also things that I associate with an American accent that I wouldn't like, like ignorance and all these things. And I'm like, well, of course not every American's like that. But also I'm American. It's not exciting for me. I, I'm in the land of hot accents guy. You know what I mean? Like, that's just. Yeah, that's like going. No. What?

[A]

No. In my head I was like, that would, that would be like going to, to eat American food here. Yeah, I was going to say, but

[B]

we've just actually really good.

[A]

Actually quite good. So it didn't really last.

[B]

But like, I, I'm hesitant to say like a physical type because I do maybe have a physical type, but I don't want to like say it because what if like, then I date somebody who's not like that and then they're

[A]

going to be like. Doesn't like me be mad at you?

[B]

Uh, I mean, I need probably somebody who's like funny and smart. Probably. This is really fucking boring. You wouldn't be surprised though, how rare that is.

[A]

I know, it's so rare. My God, it feels like you've just said you need someone who's like a millionaire and we're like, that's, that's not a lot of that.

[B]

Seriously. Yeah, I mean it's like. And when, as a comedian you tell, as a female comedian, when you tell a man.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That you are a comedian, they start trying to be funny.

[A]

Oh, it's the worst.

[B]

Constantly.

[A]

Oh, it's the.

[B]

And it's like not. But. But they start trying to be funny because some of them maybe are funny, but the. In their own. Everybody's like funny in their own special little way that they are. But they'll try and they'll try and be like stand up comedian funny. You know, And I'm like, please stop. Like, honestly, you don't need to do this. Like, I'd rather have you just be yourself.

[A]

You know, they, or they get, or they, or they keep seeing themselves from the outside because they keep going, oh, oh, oh. Are you going to mention that?

[B]

Oh, God, constantly. Yeah. Oh, no, you can't use this in your stand up. I'm like, dude, you should be so lucky.

[A]

No, you're terribly uninteresting.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

No one would give a. Oh, God.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. I don't know what else is my type.

[A]

What are your deal breakers though?

[B]

I like, I think somebody has to be like somewhat creative in some way.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like I can't have somebody be like, absolutely no creativity coming out of them at all.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

I can't have. Oh my God. Why, why have I drawn a blank right now? This is like making me.

[A]

I thought you were going to be like tall beard.

[B]

No, no, no, no, no. Oh my God. No, no, no. I don't know. I don't think. I couldn't say like a physical type like that. Like maybe like if I was like gonna draw my perfect man, then yeah, like there would be. Then yeah, there would be a type, but. Oh, actually they're all jailbreakers. I just remember some. They can't have the name of my ex husband, which is quite a common name in Scotland. Sorry, not happening. Why they can't? Because I'm not gonna call my new guy the same name that I called my ex husband. First name.

[A]

That's.

[B]

And you can't have the name of one of my sons. That's weird. Sorry. I've seen a few on the dating apps that have the name of one of my sons. I'm like, sorry. Also you can't have be in the industry that my ex is in and you can't be. And it. When I see like a dating app, picture somebody on stage. Comedian. Sorry.

[A]

No, especially if you don't know them because that means they're not going to

[B]

match on a date. I have actually matched with a couple comedians who I know.

[A]

Oh, really? That's an exciting thing.

[B]

Well, but then it was like a joke, I think.

[A]

Do you think?

[B]

But I was like, is it a joke?

[A]

Because I would have done that and then I would be ready to claim it's a joke if the other person is.

[B]

Is not into it. Yeah, I know.

[A]

I'd be so ready. I once matched with a very long time ago with a BBC producer and I matched and he quickly unmatched and I got so scared. Oh my God, I fucked it. I fucked this.

[B]

Oh my God. That's fine. Again, this is what I mean, people that I'm being that friend now. I'm like, oh my God, it's.

[A]

No, he loves you. I'm sure he thinks of you be

[B]

so good for your career.

[A]

That's why you were never on BBC was because he was too shy because he loves you so much.

[B]

Oh, my God. Exactly. He thinks I've been on every day. I just.

[A]

I don't really know what to think. I hadn't been.

[B]

I. Yeah, I was gonna say something. I have matched or I've seen because I was on this one dating app where it's like by distance, by how far the person is from you, right? Like, Grindr does that. That's like the gay dating. I'm not on Grindr because it's for. It's for gay men. But. But like, this one also did that. It would. It wouldn't say where they were. It would just be like 10 kilometers, 1 kilometer. Yeah, he's behind. Yeah. Yeah, he's looking in your window. No, but, like, it would. It would. So I. I matched with a couple people. I have to be really careful how I say this, but I matched with people who live very near me, who. I know who they are. And they had given me a like. And I was like, does this person know who I am? Or have they just. Because I don't have my real first name on there. Yeah, but I'm like, it does say that I'm a comedian and they know I'm a comedian or. No, it says I'm like a performer or something like that. But I was like, this is crazy. And also, like, when you have that, like, secret, like, underbelly seat, like, you're like, oh, my God, everyone's horny. You know what I mean?

[A]

Like, yeah.

[B]

And it's like, of course. Like, I know not. Not everyone's horny. But I'm like, you know, like, this person was married and it has on their profile, like E and M, like ethical non monogamy and stuff. But I'm like, is it though? And I'm like, did they gave me a. Like, they, like, know it's me and they're like. Or did they just not clock that it's me? You know, some people are just like, everybody, right? And then they just see what comes up or something. But I'm just like. But I was like. For a second I was like. And I never would have considered this person, like, in that way. But then when that happened, I was like, actually, I never would pursue it, but you know what I mean? I was like, I never would have viewed that.

[A]

And that's the sexiest quality in a person, is that they are into you. That's such a good quality. That's such a good personality trait for them to like me.

[B]

Yeah. How smart.

[A]

That shows good judgment.

[B]

I think it's, it does sound arrogant, but I think it's also, it's a protection thing of getting, not getting hurt and not being humiliated. Right. Because I'm like. Because my therapist told me that he was like, well, yeah, that's because you, when somebody wasn't showing you something as a child that was dangerous to then pursue that. So it's like, you know, And I'm like, yes, that's.

[A]

Therapy ruins everything.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Therapy ruins all the horns.

[B]

I was so horny until said that. Yeah.

[A]

Someone goes, I like you. And you go, oh, for sake. You ruined it now. You just reminded me of what I didn't get in my childhood. Oh no. Oh my God.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

So if you double question, okay, if you committed a crime, what's the most likely crime you would commit? And then if you had to go on the run and you had to move to a completely different country when and you had to go into hiding, what country would you hide in?

[B]

Okay, I've already told you at lunch that I sometimes have a drink and drive.

[A]

Yeah, I'm gonna have. Because you are not.

[B]

I have.

[A]

In order to be your friend, I have to believe that you don't drink and drive.

[B]

I'm so sorry, I don't drink and drive.

[A]

But you don't drink and drive, right?

[B]

No, I don't drink and drive. No, I don't. I have in my life, but I don't now.

[A]

Good.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So I just got my driver's license, so I know all the rules and I know that you're not allowed to.

[B]

They recently changed it. You're allowed to drink and drive.

[A]

Oh, okay. Well, I didn't get the update. Maybe it's in Denmark you're not allowed to, but here it's fine.

[B]

There are loads of countries in the world where it's not a lot. I lived in Barbados and that's not, it's not a lot down there really.

[A]

But other than more accidents.

[B]

No. See that's interesting because it's, they, their drinking culture in Barbados is very different than here. And, and it's like Bajan people all like drink and they'll like drink on their lunch break and stuff, but they don't go to excess. Like they don't get drunk like, you know, they don't get shit faced. They just have a one or two or three and stop. Like they just don't really. And they Think they look at, like, the way British people drink, and they'll be like, that's like children. Like, it's like, really immature and. Which they're. Right.

[A]

Oh, interesting. Okay. But we don't do that.

[B]

I don't do that. I wouldn't do that at all.

[A]

So that's not your crime.

[B]

My crime. My crime would be that. I think. I think, again, going with the. The theme of cars.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I think I'd probably steal a car.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think that would be so cool to do.

[A]

Yeah. Like, where you.

[B]

You do the hot wiring.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Or I almost feel like I would be. It would be more exciting for me to steal the keys. You know what I mean? Like, maybe, like, befriend someone like you and me, like, because we're performers and stuff. Yeah. We've known rich people. I've been around some rich people.

[A]

Rich people.

[B]

And then I've had. I've had crazy thoughts of being in somebody, like, around somebody who's rich and been like, their car keys right there. Their credit cards right there. Of course, I would never do it, but I could.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, I. I'm like, I. Wow. They trust me.

[A]

Wow. And you would steal that? Cocky. If you want.

[B]

If I was. I'm like, oh, you know, I gotta relax. I have a couple drinks and then

[A]

I can't steal this car today because I've just had a drink. Can I steal it tomorrow morning when I'm sober?

[B]

Yes, exactly. After a mimosa? No. I think I could steal a car. And I think that would be very exciting. And I think what would be exciting for me is I. Cause I'm always that really annoying person. Like in a movie. Like when you're watching a movie or when you're doing something, I'm like, actually, that's not realistic. Because, actually, I think you'll find that there's no oxygen in space. So it wouldn't be a fire explosion, because we can't have fire without auction, you know? Like, that's my. I'm so annoying. So I'm like, I. I would try and be like. See, in a film, somebody would steal a car and, like, skit. Tires skidding around the corner. I would try. I would be like, I'm gonna be so smart about this and get away with it for as long as possible. Like, I'm gonna tell a lie. I'm gonna say a thing. I'm gonna do that. And I'm gonna drive really normally.

[A]

Did you see all this guy? Yes. Oh. Oh, wait. No, I meant no. Oh, I blew it. I blew it. I forgot to lie.

[B]

I get caught at the Edinburgh bypass over there. I'm like, damn it. Why were you going 20 in a 50?

[A]

Because I've stolen this.

[B]

I still offer.

[A]

I forgot to. No, wait, I didn't. It was a gift.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's pretty cool.

[B]

Yeah. So stealing a car, that was pretty cool.

[A]

That's very movie like.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

And then where would you go into hiding?

[B]

Country to go into hiding.

[A]

You're a public person, so, like, your face would be. You'd have to go. You have to change your looks.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then you have to go to somewhere where you think they would.

[B]

I think Mexico. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[A]

Have you been?

[B]

Once. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I was drunk.

[A]

I wasn't just driving through Mexico wasted out of your mind.

[B]

Yeah, no, I was drunk. I was 18 years old. I don't really remember it, but I was technically in Mexico. But I just. As all Americans, I love Mexican food. All Mexican people I've met are cool as. I just think the culture is really cool, and it's very beautiful. I haven't been there, but. I'm sure it is. But all the pictures I've seen, like, I want to go see, like, the, you know, the Aztec, the Mayan, like, pyramids and stuff. I've always wanted to go to Mexico.

[A]

I mean, this is me learning that. That. That's in Mexico.

[B]

It's in Mexico. Yeah.

[A]

I'm learning so much from this.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

I'd be so surprised being in Mexico. Yeah.

[B]

And I'm the American, apparently. But. But, yeah, no, Mexico would be cool. Would have to learn Spanish, and I think that would finally force me to do that.

[A]

Yeah. I. I was. I. I've always been imagining Buenos tardes. I've always imagined that I would hide in a Spanish because I feel like of all the languages we would have to learn being in hiding, I think Spanish would be the easiest one to learn.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Don't think.

[B]

Yeah, easy as. Yeah, No, I think it would be. No, because it's like, there's a lot of. It's quite. Quite intuitive, I think. A lot of it. Yeah.

[A]

As long as you know the ground rules.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

What you do.

[B]

What are the crown rules again?

[A]

Wait, so it's like lus always be. Os is male as female.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's a big rule.

[B]

Ho is. Or.

[A]

And. And with a product.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

On top of it is. Yeah, yeah. See, you're already there. You're halfway there.

[B]

Yeah. Because I was in Canada for a wedding last year. Year before last. Actually, now. And, like, they very much embrace the French language in Canada. Right?

[A]

I know.

[B]

Every single sign is in French and English. Every single sign. And I'm like, this is how America should be. We should be embracing Spanish on every. But we don't. Because racism and because it's, like, not. It's still not considered. Even though our cultures are so integrated at this point. We love. It was so funny. Like, you know, the whole, like, Bad Bunny thing at the super bowl and all the conservatives getting mad about it, and there's, like, all these clips of them going, like, I guess when Bad Bunny's gone, I guess when Bad Bunny's on, I'm gonna just be reaching for the guacamole, like, not even understanding what it is that they're saying.

[A]

I don't understand what it is that they're saying.

[B]

Guacamole is Spanish. It's Mexican. And they're, like, saying that he's so un American. Right? Bad Bunny.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So they don't want to watch somebody speaking in Spanish because it's America, so he should be speaking in English.

[A]

What's that to do with guacamole?

[B]

Well, because then they won't have to watch the tv. They'll just be eating.

[A]

They're not even making the connection that it's.

[B]

This is why nobody laughs at my jokes. Yeah, they're not making the connection that they're like, I'm gonna do something American, like, eat guacamole.

[A]

Because it was so not American in my head. That's amazing. I mean, racists are.

[B]

They're wild.

[A]

If they weren't, you know, contributing to murdering people who don't deserve to be murdered, they would just be, like, the cutest, stupid, so funny, stupidest people. And you could just be like, my wacky uncle, and he'd say all this. You'd be like, I know. Oh, he's silly. But now you know. It has consequences. But, yeah, if you look upon. If you look away from the fatal consequences, which you should not.

[B]

No, don't look away.

[A]

Do not look away. But if you did, it would just be kind of. It would be like someone saying weird things. You'd be like. It's like Trump when he was, like, a TV person. You'd be like, look at this crazy guy.

[B]

I know. It was so funny back then.

[A]

It's like when you watch any movie from, like, the 90s and they always have, like, a Trump joke. And now it just.

[B]

I know. It's like, this has aged so bad.

[A]

This is so scary.

[B]

I knew a Very openly racist older person one time, as we all have, I'm sure. And she said something very bad about black people. And in the same 20 minutes, we were all talking about how, like, what our ideal, like, celebrity is, and her celebrity was a black person, like, that she would want to marry or whatever. And I'm like, this is classic stuff. Yeah, this is classic stuff.

[A]

This is.

[B]

It's like they have to live in

[A]

this world where they.

[B]

They are. What is that? Where, like, cognitive dissonance is so, like, extreme that you're like. Do you hear yourself?

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

It's so wild. It's like.

[A]

No, all of them, apart from the ones I've met who are actually pretty nice. Okay.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

I can't. I don't know what to start with.

[B]

I must keep them as other in my head.

[A]

Tragic.

[B]

Tragic. Why can't everyone be perfect like us?

[A]

No, because we're so good at this. We're so good at being human beings.

[B]

Yeah, I know.

[A]

Okay, so you move some. Also, the weather is. Isn't. Is the weather good in Mexic?

[B]

It must be. Yeah. No, it is. It's very. It's very hot all the time. Yeah.

[A]

Nice or warm. Where in the US did you grow up?

[B]

Washington State. The weather's very similar here. Very rainy, cloudy.

[A]

Because obviously we've all seen Twilight. Oh, it's not near Washington.

[B]

No, it is in Washington. And. And actually the Twilight series takes place in the town very near the town where I grew up. And that town called Forks has a very. Has had a, like, total. You know, they've. They've grown. They've got, like, exploded because of the popularity and the tourism because of Twilight. Even though it's an extremely isolated rural place, it's like, there's nothing around Forks, like, for a while. Oh, it's a real place. Yeah. She picked it because it's the very northwestern tip of the whole entire country. And then Squim, which is the one I'm from, it's very funny name. It was. It was, you know, like they built a bypass and stuff, and they've built, like. So it's like there's like, Squim has not really. I mean, it's. It has actually grown and stuff since then, but. But yeah, it's. It's wild.

[A]

I find it very difficult to focus on anything other than the fact I really want to go to folks now.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

No idea. It was a real place. There was.

[B]

They did a BBC sounds. Speaking of BBC, a podcast during the pandemic About Forks and they mentioned Squim in it, which is. I had so many people send it to me. They're like crystal. And it was about this family who. This Forks does not come across well in this. But it's really. It's really interesting. I can't remember the name of the podcast, but it was like, this family who's a really big, really big Twilight fans, drove to Forks during the pandemic just to, like, to have something to do. And they got stopped and, like, not attacked, but, like, captured by right wing people in Forks who thought that they were. Because it was during Black Lives Matter and one of the family members was black and they thought that they were, like, coming to attack people in Forks and, like, start a Black Lives Matter mart. It was like, not. It was so misplaced. Like, it was like a game of telephone where someone in Forks called someone else because a black person showed up.

[A]

Just like, tiny, tiny town.

[B]

Yeah, it's very tiny. And. But the. I mean, I will say in Forks defense, after that happened, like, the mayor of Forks and all these people in Forks, like, contacted this family. They were like, we apologize so much. Please come back and we'll show you a good time. Like, please. These people were being idiots. Like, so there were nice people in Forks that were trying to make up.

[A]

To make it up to them. If that was you, would you trust that? No, I'm not going.

[B]

No. And they didn't. They never came back.

[A]

They were like, no, the racist. You know, they're real stupid, but they can come out with some smart stuff.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Not returning to that.

[B]

Guns are still not that good. Yeah.

[A]

And it goes in your seat and watch some Lord of the Rings stuff instead.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Let's go to New Zealand. Yeah. Poor Forks. They tried to make it up to them, but no.

[A]

Okay, so that's rainy. That feels like a rainy place.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And you've moved to another rainy place. And I love.

[B]

Yeah, I don't really. I've said this before, like, weather is not the number one factor in me, like, choosing a place to live. Like, it's not like having, you know, it does bother me is the darkness in the winter in Scotland. That is. It's quite difficult to get through. Yeah. But you gotta just embrace the Christmas spirit and shit better. I know, but yeah, no, the darkness sucks. But I mean, weather, I feel, is like, only a small factor in me moving somewhere. I can deal with any weather. I'm not really, like, that bothered. Maybe it's because I'm dead inside. I Don't know.

[A]

Well, thank God we're at an end. I wouldn't know how to do after that. Like. Yeah, you're dead inside. So what's your favorite food?

[B]

I guess popcorn.

[A]

It's been very nice having you.

[B]

Thank you so much. This has been really fun.

[A]

I'm gonna force you to do a very brief extra thing for the Patreon.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And I already know what I'm gonna do.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And if people want to go and see that, they should join the.

[B]

Is it me taking my top off for?

[A]

That's plan B for the window. That's plan B if plan A doesn't work. But as for now, tell people where they can. People need to read your book, the Hot Girl at Burn Camp, which is really, really good. Can they see the show anywhere?

[B]

I'm gonna put it up very soon.

[A]

Good.

[B]

So I will. That will be up and people can watch it at my Soho Theater performance, which is amazing show. Thank you so much.

[A]

Incredible show.

[B]

And yeah, the book, it's on audiobook and you can buy it from Portobello Books would be great if you can do that. Independent bookshop, please. And I get more money and the world's a better place. And Crystal Evans comedy on Instagram.

[A]

You have a podcast.

[B]

I do have a podcast. It's called Chris and Crystal are in Heat and it's a sex and relationships podcast. And it's very fun and silly and horny. Yeah.

[A]

Well, it was so nice to have you. Thank you. Welcome to Sophie Land. Thank you.

[B]

Okay, I am gonna leave.

[A]

Okay, that's fine. You're allowed to do that.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Lock the doors. Thank you so much for listening to that episode. If you want some sweet, sweet, sweet special extra bonus content, do go and sign up to Patreon or Substack. And within the week, you'll get an extra fun bonus episode. And there's so much fun. And there are so much. Did I mention fun? Go to Patreon or Substack. The links are in the show notes. And I'll see you on tour. I'll be all over the place. The Edinburgh Fringe, Soho Theater, Denmark, Sweden, Germany, Netherlands, and all over the UK and more dates will be announced soon. Please sign up for my newsletter. The link is also in the show notes. And just big thank you. Thank you for subscribing. Thank you for telling people about the podcast. It's completely self produced. I don't know if I've mentioned it, but I love you very much and thank you for listening and I will speak to you again soon. Thank you so much. Bye. Here's the end jingle made by me.