Krystal Evans - Not a very big ho

Summary

Podcast Summary: Sofieland with Sofie Hagen

Episode: Krystal Evans – Not a very big ho

Release Date: March 3, 2026
Host: Sofie Hagen
Guest: Krystal Evans

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Episode Overview

This lively and candid episode invites comedian and author Krystal Evans for an honest, humorous, and sometimes vulnerable look at astrology, religion, ghosts, dating after divorce, and the realities of life as a working comic and single parent. Hagen and Evans explore belief, trauma, and sexuality with their signature blend of dark humor, self-awareness, and genuine warmth, making this episode both deeply funny and emotionally insightful.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Astrology and Belief Systems

• Astrology Banter: The conversation opens with playful teasing about zodiac signs. Sofie grills Krystal about being an Aquarius ("You're the worst. You can't commit." – Sofie, 02:21), while Krystal shares she was into horoscopes as a child for the fun, not out of spirituality.
• Krystal’s Upbringing: Krystal discusses her mother’s fluctuating commitment to Mormonism, and how attending church as a skeptical ten-year-old made her question religious authority—often out loud.
  • Memorable Quote: “Isn't it true that Mormons didn't allow black people in the church until the 1970s?” – Krystal (04:40)
• Religion, Spirituality & Skepticism: Both discuss their skepticism toward organized religion and belief in the supernatural but acknowledge the social and personal comfort religion offers some people.
  • Memorable Quote: “I think it's not important to know… it's impossible to know anyway, like, if there's a higher power.” – Krystal (08:30)
• Loopholes in Faith: Discussion about how religions often have "loopholes" and how even gods in certain religions are thought to forgive last-minute conversions and technicalities.
  • “If there is a God, he loves loopholes.” – Krystal (09:58)

2. Experiences with the Supernatural

• Krystal is largely skeptical, believing personal experience with ghosts is often about shared social hallucination or explainable phenomena like sleep deprivation.
  • Anecdote: Krystal describes thinking her Edinburgh flat was haunted until she realized everything could be explained rationally (15:13).
• Sofie’s Ghost Story: Sofie shares a compelling, unexplained experience in the Monkey Barrel comedy club cave dressing room, where sunglasses flew off a table, captured on a voice note (17:23).
  • Sofie: “The sunglasses fly across the room… as if they'd been smacked off the table.” (17:20)

3. Dating After Divorce & Middle Age

• Krystal’s Journey: After a 17-year marriage, Krystal re-enters the dating world at 40, feeling like a confused teen—“I felt like a virgin again... confused, horny; I didn’t know how to get what I wanted to get.” (21:04)
• Navigating Modern Dating: Sharing embarrassing DM attempts, the awkwardness of flirting after a long relationship, and ultimately, the reliance on dating apps to meet new people.
  • Memorable Quote: “Being a woman on the apps is like being a piñata, being beat with dicks and you're like, overwhelming.” – Krystal (37:36)
• Generational Contrast: The pair compare their sex lives to Gen Z, joking about changing sexual norms and energy in youth versus middle age.

4. Trauma, Comedy, and Life Perspective

• Trauma in Stand-Up: Krystal discusses her approach to using personal trauma in comedy and how certain dark jokes don’t always land with audiences who haven’t experienced hardship.
  • “I think a lot of the jokes I do that don't work are because I've gone too dark without having some kind of a balance of light.” – Krystal (32:08)
• Audience Disconnect: Sofie notes the disconnect when “normal” people with happy childhoods don’t get jokes rooted in trauma or existential struggle.
  • Memorable Quote: “There are some people... who've had nice lives and who haven't had trauma... Do they deserve to laugh?” – Sofie (32:25)
• Dating with Trauma: Both discuss the delicate question of when to share traumatic histories with new partners and how trauma-dumping can kill attraction.
  • “I have to say, like, that I don't have a steadfast rule, but I will try and wait as long as possible because it just makes everyone way too horny. No, it's too much.” – Krystal (39:36)

5. Status, Privilege & Self-Awareness

• Privilege and Self-Awareness: Krystal and Sofie explore frustration with people who have privilege or easy upbringings and lack self-awareness about it. The “Nepo baby” discussion pokes fun at celebrities who claim self-made status despite obvious advantages (38:19–39:06).
  • “It's not the privilege that you're mad at. It's them being unaware of it that you're mad at.” – Krystal (38:19)

6. Comedy, Books, and Projects

• Krystal’s Book: Krystal promotes her memoir, "The Hottest Girl at Burn Camp," about her traumatic childhood and performing at Edinburgh Fringe. She encourages independent bookstores, especially Portobello Books in Edinburgh (43:25).
• Podcasts: Krystal’s own podcast, "Chris and Crystal Are in Heat," explores sexual relationships, shifting in premise as her and her co-host's relationship statuses changed (44:16).

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Dating Post-Divorce:
  “I felt like a teenager again. In a good way—good and bad. Like, I felt like a virgin again.” – Krystal (21:04)
• On God and Loopholes:
  “If there is a God, he loves loopholes. He will honor any loophole that you find.” – Krystal (09:58)
• On Sexual Harassment and Worth:
  “If you do get sexually harassed, then you're worth something, but you don't want it… it's really deep. This joke is deep.” – Krystal (31:26)
• On Generational Sex Life:
  “Millennials are like ‘whoa,’ and I tell Gen Z and they're like, ‘that's it?’” – Krystal (28:18)
• On Dating Apps:
  “Being a woman on the apps is like being a piñata, being beat with dicks.” – Krystal (37:36)
• On Happy People in Comedy Audiences:
  “Some people... who've had nice lives... Do they deserve to laugh?” – Sofie (32:25)
• On Awareness of Privilege:
  “It's not the privilege that you're mad at. It's them being unaware of it that you're mad at.” – Krystal (38:19)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Timestamp | Topic | |-----------|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 01:03 | Episode begins: astrology banter and introductions | | 03:44 | Krystal’s early intrigue with horoscopes and Mormon upbringing | | 08:20 | Philosophical discussion about belief, existential questions | | 09:58 | Krystal on God loving loopholes | | 15:13 | Krystal’s haunted Edinburgh flat anecdote | | 17:20 | Sofie’s ghost story in Monkey Barrel dressing room | | 21:04 | Krystal on re-entering dating post-divorce | | 28:18 | Generational contrasts in dating and sexual norms | | 30:00 | Krystal’s failed jokes and the struggle using trauma on stage | | 32:25 | Sofie questions if “happy” people deserve comedy | | 38:19 | Discussing privilege, Nepo babies, the problem with unacknowledged advantage| | 43:25 | Book plug: "The Hottest Girl at Burn Camp" | | 44:16 | Podcast plug: "Chris and Crystal Are in Heat" |

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Tone & Style

The tone remains sharp, mischievous, and heartfelt. Sofie and Krystal freely joke about trauma, privilege, aging, and sex—never shying from dark humor, but always balancing laughter with real empathy for the struggles behind the jokes. Their mutual respect and comic chemistry make this episode feel both confessional and cathartic.

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Further Info

Krystal Evans:

• Book: The Hottest Girl at Burn Camp (Paperbook June 2026, indie bookstores recommended)
• Podcast: Chris and Crystal Are in Heat
• Instagram: @krystalevanscomedy

Sofie Hagen:

• Podcast: Sofieland
• Tour info, Patreon, Substack, and newsletter links in show notes

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This episode will resonate with anyone who enjoys comedy that mines real life for its laughter: open-hearted, unfiltered, and fiercely clever, with no topic off limits.

Transcript

[A]

Dear citizens of Sophie Land, I will let you listen to the episode in approximately 60 seconds. But first I just want to let you know that my brand new show, I think some of this is my fault, will be going to the Edinburgh Fringe this August. And then in November, I'm taking it to Soho Theater in London. Then it's going on tour to Denmark, Copenhagen, Unser and Aarhus, Sweden, Melmurg and Stockholm. Then I'm going to Berlin. I'm going to Rotterdam. The UK dates have just come out which are Leicester, Sheffield, Selby, Edinburgh, Glasgow, Aberdeen, Birmingham, Manchester, Liverpool, Reading, Brighton, Cambridge, London and Exeter. Tickets can be found on sophie hagen.com link is in the show notes alongside the link for the Patreon or the substack. Because this podcast is self produced, meaning I do all of the stuff. I do the editing, the uploading, the booking of the guests, the interviews, every single effing thing. So your support means the whole world to me. So if you sign up for the Patreon or the substack, you will get extra fun bonus content and you get to support me. I really appreciate it. I really love you. Thank you so much for listening. Please enjoy this episode.

[B]

Thank you. You know how we like voice notes? Like, my friend makes fun of me because, like, you know how the tick marks go up and down, but mine are just all straight across because that's my voice. Crystal's like monotone. Well, yeah.

[A]

Chris Levins.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Very good comedian.

[B]

Ah.

[A]

Very good author.

[B]

Ah, thanks.

[A]

Very nice person.

[B]

Thank you. That's nice.

[A]

American.

[B]

Thanks for that. Yep. We can mention those things, but.

[A]

Welcome. It's all part of you, isn't it?

[B]

It is. It's all a part of me. Yep. All the colors that make up me. What else am I. Were you gonna listen?

[A]

What else? No. No.

[B]

Is that your guess?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I don't. Are you into that?

[A]

Not enough. I'm into my own. I'm not into other.

[B]

You're a what? Well, I don't. I don't know.

[A]

Obviously. A Scorpio.

[B]

Okay. I don't know what that means, but I. I was into horoscopes when I was a child and, yeah, it all dropped off.

[A]

What are you?

[B]

I'm an Aquarius. Yeah.

[A]

I would never guess Aquarius. I feel like that is rude. Even when I feel like people are.

[B]

Because it's rude to say because we're horrible.

[A]

Yeah. You're the worst.

[B]

Why are we the worst?

[A]

You're the worst. You can't commit.

[B]

You. Yeah. Any.

[A]

Any.

[B]

I was married for 17 years. Are we coming to the conclusion that horoscopes might be.

[A]

Never. Never. I. I had. There was this man who'd been trying to sleep with me for a while and he was obviously an Aquarius and he was in a. It was married. And then he, his wife got pregnant and he was like, she's going to give birth in November. And I was like, this is karma. It's karma. Cuz you've been trying to cheat on her and now you're getting Scorpio children.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Good luck.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Good luck. We're hard work.

[B]

What is a Scorpio?

[A]

Very intense. Vengeful.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like the villain. Like we're villains and we.

[B]

And Aquarius is the bad guy. Apparently to you though.

[A]

Yeah. You can't commit to anything and you're always late.

[B]

I was on time today. We just had lunch.

[A]

Maybe you have like, your moon is in something. Like your moon or your sun is in.

[B]

Of course, there's always an explanation. Yeah. It's like, oh, well, if it's wrong, then. Then it's not. That's also. It doesn't matter. It's very scientific.

[A]

I don't, I don't feel like you should, you should. This my religion.

[B]

I'm so sorry. So sorry.

[A]

Are you. You were so, you were into horoscopes. Were you like, spiritual or like into religion? Like, was that like, why did you like it?

[B]

I thought it was fun. They just had like, I remember at the store, like when we were in the checkout aisle, they would. They had horoscopes and little scrolls and it was a little scroll and it had a little tie around it and it was very cute. And it was like, your horoscope for the week. And I was like, get me that. Like, because then it's a little message every single day of the week, you know? Yeah. And also it's just personality stuff and quizzes. All that kind of stuff is fun when you're a kid and maybe still. But was I spiritual? No. My mom was raised Mormon.

[A]

Oh. Yeah.

[B]

And. And so she would like, on and off, like, feel guilt and make us go to church. Like Mormon church. And I would go. But the first time I actually was properly like made to go to Mormon church, I was 10. So it was too late. I was like, this is a load of bullshit. And I was like, I would sit in the back and be like, I was, I was such a little piece. Like I would, I would say things like, isn't it true that Mormons didn't allow black people in the church until the 1970s when you were 10, 11, maybe. Yeah, yeah. Because my dad would tell me this stuff.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then I would be like. I would say this. And they'd be like, well, yes, that was actually because they always have.

[A]

You called them in front of the congregation.

[B]

Well, because in Mormon church, you do one hour. Mormon church is three hours long. Oh, I know. So the first hour you do in the main bit, like the actual. The whole. You know, that's like a normal church bit with the choir and the preacher and all these things. Um, and then the second and third hours, you split off into groups. Right. So the second hour for children is like all the children are together. And then the third hour you split off into age groups, and there's like a Sunday school teacher and she. So I was in, like, the age is like, you know, 10 to 12 or whatever. And I would be like, yeah, I love that.

[A]

I did that when I was a teenager.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We went on a. With our religion class. We went to Berlin, and we would go to a mosque and a synagogue and. And I would question.

[B]

Great.

[A]

I would question them and they'd be so sick of me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So sick of me.

[B]

So they don't want questions.

[A]

Why do you believe in a man on a cloud?

[B]

Yeah. You know what that reminds me of? That reminds me of just now when I was criticizing horoscopes and you got really pissed off about it. Yeah.

[A]

I think the difference is that you're not a little child. And I bet if. If, If. If those religious leaders at the time had been able to do what they wanted to do.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I would have been smacked.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I think you almost just were, I think.

[B]

Yeah. Religious leaders are the worst, most persecuted people in the world, I would say.

[A]

I think we need to give them a lesser.

[B]

I've had it really bad.

[A]

That's a smack. Annoying children when they're. When they're being really annoying.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So now do you have. No. Do you believe in nothing?

[B]

I. When I. So when I was in my 20s, I was like Richard Dawkins, you know, I was like, atheism, anything. Anyone who believes any religion is an idiot. You know? But then I kind of was like, okay, actually, maybe that's a little bit too extreme as well. So, yeah, I think there might be something, I guess. But definitely not religion. No, not organized religion. But then also I have a respect for people who, like, I'm not sitting there trying to call people out like I was when I was 11, because that's stupid. And there's no point in that. And we all do things. Like when I go to yoga and they go, all right, everybody do the Om. I'll do the Om. I don't care, you know?

[A]

Oh, they just call that the ohm.

[B]

I don't know what it's called.

[A]

The ohm.

[B]

O. And I'm like, I'll just do it. Like, does it mean anything? Does it do anything? I don't know, but we're all doing it, so let's just do it.

[A]

I thought that was about frequencies and like. Like.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like the vibration of. Yeah.

[B]

And is there science behind it? I have no idea, but it doesn't matter. It's like. So I do that, and that helps me. Is it real? I don't know. But, like, if somebody else wants to, you know, join a church that black people weren't allowed to join, then Crystal

[A]

is fine with it.

[B]

That's absolutely fine. I support that. No, no.

[A]

I love. I think Muslims are the coolest.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I think that's a really cool religion.

[B]

I know loads of cool Muslims.

[A]

I love it.

[B]

They're so. They're actually really good sense of humor about everything as well.

[A]

Yeah. And the best outfits.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Very beautiful. They probably have a name. The long one. The Long.

[B]

I'm sure they do have a name.

[A]

I think that's a name to it. The.

[B]

The shiny long one. Yeah.

[A]

Shiny long one.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, it's so beautiful. When you're in any, like, Muslim country and they walk to Sunday prayer, it's. I love it. I love it.

[B]

Yeah. It's like, putting some effort into the visuals of a religion is important.

[A]

Put on your uniform.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How dare we. Yeah. Go to church once a year and

[B]

just what jeans you are, what you wear. Yeah, I know. It's. It's. Yeah, it's really bad. Um, but I think it's. It's not important to know. I think is what I've come to now. I'm like, we don't. It's impossible to know anyway, like, if there's a higher power or if anything. Whatever happens after you die. And I'm like, I could drive myself crazy thinking about all that. But I think that the point is, like. Not that I'm about to say the meaning of life or something, but it's like, you don't.

[A]

Are you saving that for another podcast? Yeah, feel free to say that now.

[B]

Sorry. Yeah. Another one has an exclusive on the meaning of life. So I. They paid me a big advance. No, but, like, I just think it's not really, like. Like, because I Used to think it was important to come to a conclusion about that. Yeah. And my conclusion is there's no God. You know, that was my. Always my. Like, there's no God. And. And if you think that, you're an idiot because there's no evidence for it. But now I'm like, ah, yeah, but it's not important to know. And also love and feelings are a thing as well. And I don't know, what do you

[A]

think you're trying to do? The right thing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's all we can do.

[B]

Let's create our heaven right here on earth.

[A]

I also feel like the good gods, the ones I like to hear about, they're always like, if. If you, like the second before you die, you're like, oh, oh, I'm now converted. They'll be like, that's fine. I'm thinking like, if you're a good person with good intentions, the right God, the only God I would ever believe in would be one who would be like, that's fine.

[B]

And I think if there is a God, he loves loopholes. You know what I mean? He loves it. He will honor any loophole that you find.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, my mom, when she was Mormon, she told me this story of that she was like 18 or 19 and she went to a bar underage, and a guy was like, oh, you're Mormon. How about we get married tonight, have sex and then get it an old in the morning so that it's not like against God? And she was like, I don't know if that's so he's like, yes, God

[A]

exists and this is what he wants. That's like, is it Mormons who just have a lot of anal? Because there's like a loophole about it is.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like that doesn't count or something. Amazing.

[B]

God loves anal.

[A]

God loves anal.

[B]

God bless him.

[A]

God loves anal. Yeah. As he. As he has many times, apparently. Yeah. Well, there's something about, in Islam where if. If Allah knows that you would have become Muslim had you known, like, had you had the chance to learn and really, you know, if someone had like, presented it to you in a way

[B]

that is fair, that.

[A]

And he knows that you would have then become it, then that's fine. So like, if it's some like, old woman in the countryside of Denmark.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Who never hears that have been presented with Islam, he can be like, but you would have. Yeah, you would have liked it then get in here.

[B]

And that's also really fucked up because then he can also be like, you wouldn't have and she. Yes, I would. No, no, no, no. I know you would not have done it.

[A]

I feel like it's not a debate. No, I feel like you don't get to sit with him and go, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait. Yeah, no, listen, this my diary from when I was 14. Let's clearly see.

[B]

I would have been so I loved long shiny.

[A]

Love long shiny ones.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, that's funny. No, they. I remember I asked a. A teacher in the Sunday school or. No, it wasn't that. It was like some conversation I had with this Mormon woman and I was like, but what? Cuz the Mormons believe that like if you don't like. It's very specific things you have to do. So they don't believe in heaven and hell. They believe in three. There's three, right? There's heaven, there's a medium one and there's hell. Right. There's a middle one that you go. The middle one is like not as bad as hell, but it's not as good as heaven. It's like you're a good person but you weren't Mormon. Right? Yeah, I know.

[A]

That's just like a little, A nice place.

[B]

It's all right. Yeah, it's all right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like if you go to the celestial kingdom, you get your own planet. You get to be the God of your own planet. Yes. And what if this is the true religion? We're like, lol. Isn't it funny? And we die. We're like, oh shit.

[A]

I don't think we're going to be oh shit. Because we'll have our own planet.

[B]

No, because we're not Mormon.

[A]

Oh, we get to go to the medium you have.

[B]

So what you have to do is you have to be baptized as Mormon. You have to get married in the Mormon temple.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Like and have loads of kids and all these different things.

[A]

You have to have loads of kids and be married. But that's not.

[B]

Well, you have to at least try to have loads of kids.

[A]

You have to have. Tried to have a little.

[B]

Well, you have to have as many as you possibly can.

[A]

Yeah, kind of. Kind of trying to have a lot of good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Something about the birth control.

[B]

Oh yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. Birth control's evil.

[A]

Like I've.

[B]

You can't drink caffeine either. There's a lot of rules. Can't drink alcohol.

[A]

Oh, okay. Well then that's why they can give you your own planet, cuz you don't need that many of them.

[B]

There's alcohol on my planet, but I can't Drink any.

[A]

I've done lots of anal. Where's my planet?

[B]

That would be a great planet. I'm sorry?

[A]

Great planet, great show title, great book.

[B]

Planet Anal.

[A]

Now I've watched that and that is.

[B]

I told you I wasn't going to be loud and I've yelled so many times.

[A]

No, I think you're allowed to yell. Planet. Planet anal.

[B]

Okay. Yeah, so that one is. Oh, that's what I was gonna say.

[A]

The medium place.

[B]

The Medium place. Yeah. I don't. I think it's just like nice, but you don't get your own planet.

[A]

So it's like the difference between like a five star hotel and like a hostel.

[B]

Three. Yeah.

[A]

You have to share a kitchen.

[B]

I don't know. I'd like to look up pictures of what the. Of the telestial kingdom's like. That's the middle one.

[A]

Yeah. Drawings.

[B]

No, they have photos,

[A]

illustrations.

[B]

Maybe they sent one of the fringe photographers to the terrestrial. The celestial kingdom. Oh, that's good.

[A]

So do you believe in like the supernatural? Ghosts and stuff?

[B]

Probably not. I'm so sorry, am I lame? I. I'm so cynical.

[A]

We're sitting.

[B]

My childhood ruined me for like believing in things that because my mom was like, everything is a sign and means something and I was like, off. It doesn't, but I do. What I find more interesting is like, you know, like when you. When like, oh, there's like a ghost that haunts like this street or this town. I'm more interested in why everybody's having the same hallucination about. You know what I mean?

[A]

I'm like, but that's also exciting.

[B]

That's super cool.

[A]

Cuz the thing about ghost is it's. It's really exciting. But also hallucinations are exciting. So I'll take either.

[B]

Yeah, that's it. Well, when I first had my first child, I had extreme like sleep deprivation, as many people do, and I was hallucinating and I. I can see why somebody in Edinburgh who is like really exhausted and has a new baby would think their flat was haunted. Because three things would happen, right? One thing was maybe four things.

[A]

Three.

[B]

One thing was I'd never lived in a tenement flat before and it sounded like someone was walking down my hallway, like toward me.

[A]

Mm.

[B]

It was definitely people walking in other bits of the flat that was making the floorboards creak. But I swear to you, I felt it was like. It was like there was somebody walking down the hall. The second thing, the hallway door would randomly fly open. And again I found out later the Latch was broken and it's tilted so it would. It would just. No matter how many hours, like. And then the third thing is I would feel a cold breeze on me all the time. And. And that's because. Yeah, there's the. There's no double glazing in these old flats. No, they don't need windows in the coldest country in the world, apparently.

[A]

And does that mean that you were just living in a shitty flat or does it mean that you had a really smart ghost who did not want to be figured out?

[B]

Yeah, he was like, they'll never suspect because this house is already broken.

[A]

Yeah. I'm going to go into this house. Oh, it's just the windows. They won't exorcise me.

[B]

Yeah, he's still there.

[A]

It sounds a lot like you were just haunted and I'm so sorry to have to tell you that.

[B]

No, okay. Right. Ghosts are real.

[A]

The only ghost I've experienced was like, we're right about above Monkey Barrel in Edinburgh right now. That's where. That's where I got into contact with.

[B]

Oh, my God. Tell me what happened.

[A]

I was sitting in the. The dressing room which people need to

[B]

know is a cave.

[A]

It's a cave. Like an actual cave from the olden days? Yes, probably People dead in there. Oh, yeah, like that. I don't know what they were doing with that cave.

[B]

But there's stalactites and stalagmites. Yeah.

[A]

There's very rarely a cave for good.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Yeah. Not to on any religion where good things happen in caves, but I was sitting in the dressing room before my show and I had just taken off my sunglasses and put them on the table. Not even just I. 15 minutes ago. And I put them on the table and I was just sitting completely still. Nothing had happened. I was like voice noting or like listening to a voice note. And then the sunglasses fly across the room.

[B]

That's crazy. Like what?

[A]

Like as if they'd been like, smacked off the table.

[B]

What?

[A]

And I was. I still have the voice note of me like talking normally and then going. And you hear like the click. And I go like, oh, you have

[B]

it on voice note.

[A]

And I'm just like, I gotta call you back. Oh, my God, it was so scary. And then I. I thought like, oh, you know, there must be something. But it's like a cave. There's no wind, there's no string, there's nothing. What is that? And I told Lou Sanders, did they

[B]

fly or did they fall? They flew.

[A]

No, they were all the way over there. Like they were from there to all the way over there. So, like, that's not a fall is down.

[B]

A ghost that hates Sophie's sunglasses.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. And they were sunglasses. I'm not gonna.

[B]

I told Lucas, get a sense of style.

[A]

I've been quiet and dead for 1700 years, but now I'm pissed. I am pissed.

[B]

Were they the cat eye sunglasses? Were they. Were they like, Happy New Year 2025.

[A]

I love the mix and blaming you're doing right now. Like, I brought this on myself. This is so rude. Lucanda started, like, blessing the room. She was like, oh, my God. Like, we gotta do Lucandas. Oh, she believes in all. All this stuff.

[B]

Okay. Yeah.

[A]

And she took it so serious. I was hoping you. And you hope that people tell you something different. I was hoping she would be like, no, that's okay. Like, that's probably nothing and actually could be explained by. And she just went, what? Oh, my God, we need to do something. I was like, well, no.

[B]

What if the ghost loves being blessed?

[A]

Masochist.

[B]

I'm such an. I'd be like, what if I like me doing that to religious people? I've just continued doing this my whole life, trying to antagonize every single person. Yeah.

[A]

It's like improper. You're very much like, no. Yeah, no, but.

[B]

But even atheists all antagonize them as well. I'm very equal.

[A]

They're very annoying because that's also. I think it's anyone who's very, very certain. Yeah, there's a little bit of. Well, yeah, you're wrong.

[B]

Exactly. It's like, you cannot be 100 certain. You can't. You can't be like, so. And if you admit. If you say that, then you're just as much full of as people who are 100. Sure. There's a God. That wasn't me trying to be funny. That was me having it. I was like, this is going to be the serious moment of the podcast.

[A]

Sophie's pissing herself gently crying with all the truth you just let out. How's it. How's dating going? You good at dating?

[B]

Oh, yeah, it was good.

[A]

It was serious. You go into journalism mode. Yes, it was a very good.

[B]

Yes. I face neutral. No, I mean, I. I saw. I got divorced at the end of 2024. Yeah. And it was. I was married for 17 years.

[A]

That's so long.

[B]

I know. And it's crazy. Yeah. I mean, I just turned 40, so I got together with him when I was like, 22. And we got. We broke up when I was 38. And it's amazing how quick you go from 38 to 40. I'll just Bing right there. No, no, no.

[A]

I literally, today in my morning pages, I wrote, I am 37. And I looked at it and I thought, that doesn't look that old.

[B]

Yeah, it doesn't, does it?

[A]

It doesn't.

[B]

Nope, it doesn't. Just wait, honey.

[A]

I feel it. I feel it. Literally feel it. Physically feel it. I shoveled snow on, what, five days ago, and my whole body is still broken.

[B]

Totally. Yeah, It's. I stretched, like, over my arms, over my head two days after my 40th birthday. Pulled a muscle in my back.

[A]

So sad. Oh. So how do you date when you're falling apart? When you're physically, literally falling apart, it's

[B]

like, oh, that's a lot of.

[A]

Can it be 4pm because I need to go to bed at 7.

[B]

There's a lot of fetish websites where people are into this kind of stuff. No, no, it has been good. I felt like after I broke up with my husband, my ex husband, I. I felt like a teenager again. Like, I felt a good way. Good and bad. Like, I felt like a. I felt like a virgin again. Like, weirdly, like, in a way that's, like, I felt like I was confused, I was horny. I didn't know how to get what I wanted to get. I didn't know how to flirt.

[A]

I didn't know how to know what you wanted.

[B]

Yeah, I wanted to have sex with people. I really did. I was like. Because it's like when you just get out of a breakup that you're in, like, a relationship for so long. Like, it's like you just got out of prison. You know, you're just like, I please. I've. I've no, like, please anybody. And I think that desperate energy is what repelled people for at least six months after I didn't. It took me so long to actually have sex with somebody. Both because I. Both because I think I was giving off the. The desperate stench, which is not a real stench, by the way, but it was. But also because, like, I. I wasn't ready either. Like, I was. I was kind of like, you know, like, I was like. And also, I didn't want to go on the apps. That was, like, scary to me. Like, I didn't want to do that.

[A]

So what do you do?

[B]

Well, I eventually did go on the apps.

[A]

What are you doing in the meantime to stand in the corner?

[B]

Oh, I sent some. Some DMS to certain men that still wake Me up at night that sometimes me trying to flirt or me trying. This is what I talk about in my new material stuff is me, like, trying to, like, clunkily flirt with somebody who I once worked with. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Like, you know when you ask a friend, like, oh, my God, I have a crush on this person. What should I do there? Your friend will be like, just message him. Just do it. And I'm like, yeah, should I. I don't know his relationship status. You got to just put yourself out there. Just.

[A]

Oh, there's a special place in hell for those people.

[B]

Especially, like, people who are already, like, in relationships and they're, like, bored as hell.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Just, like, just do it.

[A]

Oh, they'll love you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Anyone who doesn't want to be with you is an insane.

[B]

Yeah. And it's actually not embarrassing to just put yourself out there. Who cares? You know, it's flattering to have someone to know that someone's attracted to you. I'm like, yeah, yeah, they're right, actually.

[A]

Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, actually. Oh, no likes.

[B]

I know my worth. I post, like, a PG thirst trap. I'm like, why is nobody responding?

[A]

I did the. And everything. Yeah, I know my worth, and I

[B]

know it's low, but eventually I. Yeah,

[A]

that's all that matters.

[B]

Really funny. Yeah, that's a good one. I know my worth. Very low.

[A]

It's very low. And I don't deserve love, but I know it.

[B]

I know. I just know. Yeah. Knowing it is the key. No, I. But I did eventually start actually dating really real people.

[A]

And that was via life.

[B]

Yes, it was via apps. Everybody I've dated has been via an app, I'm sorry to say. Yeah, I know. I. I wish I could meet people other ways, but it's really hard. I have had people actually, like, you know, ask me out. Irl. Certain ones. I know, I know.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

But I have said no to them. Yeah.

[A]

To their face.

[B]

Yeah. To their little face. Yeah.

[A]

No, no, no, no. Read my lips.

[B]

Never. Oh, you know what? I would, but I don't want to. I hate. I don't, like, check my calendar.

[A]

Oh, it says no. It's just a picture of you and it says no.

[B]

I. I just saved you in my. Yeah, so. No, I did. I did end up starting to date people and say, I dated a few guys last year that was, like, actually dating them, you know? Yeah. You look on your face is like,

[A]

what do you mean actually dating them?

[B]

Some people I just had sex with.

[A]

Oh, okay. Sorry. I've Never heard of that before.

[B]

Sorry, Sorry. Well, yeah, like, I. I surprised myself last year actually with, like, being kind of open to being like. Because I used to the last time I dated, keep in mind, it was in my early 20s.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I was like. I actually have to form, like, a really strong connection with somebody over lots and lots of dates before I actually decide that I feel comfortable enough to. No, not now.

[A]

No, there's no time.

[B]

There's absolutely no time.

[A]

I have a time between two meetings at 3:30 and 4:15. And that's when.

[B]

That's what it's like. I have that. I have two kids. Kids. I'm like, I've got an hour and 45 minutes on Sunday. You gonna be there

[A]

so hard.

[B]

You better be hard. No, I'm sorry, that's. Get over here already ready.

[A]

I found out exactly how I want to. To meet my future partner because I'm staying in this flat in Edinburgh, and you can and I don't, but you could if you wanted to look into flats on the opposite side of the street, which, of course I would never do because that's intrusive. But in this fantasy world, you know, eye contact with this amazing, beautiful person and then there's, like, flirting and then we end up moving into one of the flats. Ah, that would be such a cute ROM combo. Oh, my God. We start by, like. We somehow get, like, a line across from the flip between the flats, and we can send little messages.

[B]

A line? Like a string. A string with cans.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, how cute. And also, we were childhood friends, and that's what we did when we were children.

[B]

So wait a second. You were childhood friends and now you're here. It's just developed and it's.

[A]

Fantasy has just developed now. I've lived here for 30 years.

[B]

You know, I think that's really realistic. I think that that's probably. You got your feet on the ground, you got your head screwed on right. And I think that's priorities. That's.

[A]

That's just how I want to meet the person.

[B]

Absolutely. No, I don't want it. Yeah, absolutely. Sophie standing at the window with her tits out,

[A]

crying. Please,

[B]

please.

[A]

I'm in number eight. Someone come over, please.

[B]

Yeah. No. Isn't there a horror movie called Rear Window where he sees a murder or something? He sees lots of things.

[A]

You call it a horror. I call it. That is the sexiest. Hitchcock is what I've always called it.

[B]

Oh, good stuff. No, but dating's been great. It's. It's overall been great being a Woman on the apps is like being a pinata, being beat with dicks and you're like, overwhelming.

[A]

That's beautiful.

[B]

But actually it's painful and no, I love it.

[A]

Oh, that was a good thing.

[B]

No, I mean, listen, like, I am, at the end of the day, I actually am a, like, I am a monogamy person, actually. Like, oh, that's what I want. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I want. But it was fun to date for a little bit there, you know, and like, just date around and see, you know, have a little fun and. I sound like a hoe, don't I?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's like exclusively a good thing.

[B]

Thank you. Yeah. And I mean, it's so funny because the amount of people I slept with last year, like, I tell like millennials and like, people who are in relationships and they're like, whoa. And I tell, like, Gen Z and they're like, that's it. Like, it's not like, it's not that many, but it's like, because, like so many, the younger generation just, they're just fucking all the time, you know, like,

[A]

we all have the time and the energy and the, the muscles aren't broken yet and.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. Yes, it's not that many, but it's, but for me, it was a lot.

[A]

It's enough for her age.

[B]

It is.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I hate you.

[A]

Yeah. Just because I'm so much younger than you. It's very weird being a gentle, jealous and hearing about how older people date.

[B]

I know.

[A]

So fascinating.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Who knew you had it in you?

[B]

I, I hate this.

[A]

I sat with a bunch of like 80 year olds and they were the horniest people.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

They were giggling. The way they were, like, smirking at each other. I was like, you are more than.

[B]

They say that the STD STI rates in old folks homes. That's where they're the highest. Because they're all just each other in there. What else is there to do, really?

[A]

Wait till I'm 80 and that happens. I know. That's my plan. If the window thing doesn't work out, I'm going to the cabin.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm gonna just grow really old.

[B]

I, I, what's this podcast about?

[A]

It's very nice. Pleasant conversations with nice people. Oh, great, isn't it? Oh, God, So many questions at the same. Oh, okay. I want to ask you this one.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

What is the maybe not latest, but a memorable joke that you have tried to make work on stage that failed, that never worked.

[B]

I know. Exactly one immediately came to mind, which Is that I said, I think the reason why it didn't work is that maybe I. It doesn't sound like a punchline, but I'll. Because there is no maybe.

[A]

The reason that didn't work is not funny.

[B]

It was. I mean, that's surely what it is. But I wrote this maybe a few years ago, so it wasn't even, like, about me being 40, but I was like, oh, I'm getting older now. And the, like, the only time men. Oh, my God. The only time men. Oh, my God. Now I can't remember how I said it. It's like the only time men want to not want to me or something. It's like after they get to know my personality or like, oh, the only time I get sexually harassed is after men get to know my personality. Yeah, I know it doesn't make sense. Listen. Because it was like.

[A]

But it's very. I've enjoyed it.

[B]

Just your eyebrow crinkle that you did at that joke is what every audience did. And I was like, I know I'm on to something good here.

[A]

Yeah. I just don't think it's. It's coming out like that. What do you. What do you mean? So, like, they. People are only attracted to you when they know your personality.

[B]

Yeah. Because it's like, I'm almost complaining about that. People don't harass me for my looks anymore. You know what I mean? Like, I don't. People don't like me for my looks. Like, I just. But it's also like a double thing because I'm like, I'm bragging about having a great personality, which, like, I think.

[A]

Maybe. I think. I think the disconnect is that sexual harassment isn't to most people, a good thing,

[B]

but it's funny to women because we all get sexually harassed, and it's like, we don't want to get sexually harassed, but yet we do, because that's our worth. It's really. It's really deep. This joke is deep. If you do get sexually harassed, then you're worth something, but you don't want it. It's like, what is it?

[A]

Hey, we're on the same page. I 100% think that it's great.

[B]

And it's weird that after I yell at the audience all that, that they're still not laughing.

[A]

I think it's. It's hard to visualize that they get to know you and then they start groping you. That feels weird. Yeah.

[B]

No, and you're right. I can. I can see why no one is intelligent enough to get that joke. But me. Yeah, that's. That's what it is.

[A]

It's so good. It's so good for them.

[B]

That's. I think a lot of the jokes I do that don't work are because I've gone too dark without having some kind of a balance of light, you know, And I. And I'm like, I think it's funny that this bad thing happened. Right. You know, and we all maybe do that. Like.

[A]

But I will also say there are some people, and this might be a controversial opinion, people who've had nice lives and who haven't had trauma, who've had, like, loving, supportive parents. Do they deserve to laugh? Do they? Do they. You know when you talk to someone who's normal?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they go like, oh, didn't you also travel to. To Spain with. With your parents when you were growing up and you all had a lovely old time on the beach playing beach ball and you're like, go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.

[B]

You're like, I've got a gun.

[A]

Oh, let me just find. Oh, yeah, it's your. It's your death now. This is not good. Isn't it?

[B]

Because they always assume I struggle with this all the time. Do they deserve happiness? But the thing is, they just have a baseline of happiness, you know, that

[A]

I just don't want to be near it. Then I don't want nothing to do with it.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Oh, I had a lovely Christmas. My whole family was there, and we all sat around the Christmas tree, and I got to hang out with my entire family. We have all these traditions, these lovely traditions.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

No, I'm so happy for you, maybe.

[B]

You have any traditions, Sophie? Does your family have any?

[A]

It's a lot of crying and that's,

[B]

you know, I. I do. Honestly, though, like, when I was younger, much in my. My go atheism days, I was like, I hate. I hate that. I really did hate people who had. And I was like, they're idiots. They're pro. You know, they're idiots. I hate them. Like, they don't understand anything. But then now, at my age, I'm kind of like, it is nice that some people have a nice life, but the difference is I do know people who have had a nice life and are aware of that. You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, it's when people aren't even aware that another type of life exists or that if it does, that must be someone so up that, like, they. You shouldn't even. Like, they're a toxic person. That I've had people. Have you had people? Like, you'll tell them what you've been through and they'll be like, oh, wow. And it almost like you're. You're different now. Like they're scared of you. Yeah. And I'm like, get a life.

[A]

Oh, they do the thing.

[B]

I'm better than you.

[A]

I. I could. I couldn't even imagine.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

My. My mom is my best friend. I can't even imagine.

[B]

I'm sorry. I don't know what it is about people saying their mom's their best friend that gives me the absolute ick. And I'm like, I'm sorry.

[A]

I. I think it's okay that some people have had good lives and it's okay that they're happy now, but I think they should be a little bit ashamed of it and apologetic.

[B]

I saw.

[A]

So they should say, oh, I'm so sorry, but my mom was my best friend. I'm so sorry. I know I'm disgusting. And then I can say, yeah, that's disgusting, but don't rub it him. Oh, my mom's calling. Hi.

[B]

Hi.

[A]

Off go yourself.

[B]

I went on a date with a guy last year who I. I love the Scottish accent, but in Edinburgh you'll get catfished by posh English people quite a lot, you know. Oh. Which is fine to be posh English, I guess, but you know, I was really horny and it's just not, it's not an accent that does it for me.

[A]

I'm sorry.

[B]

Or American. I don't like the American accent either. And a lot of times there was. Twice I went on a date, didn't know the person was American. I'm like, this is so up. Get out of my face.

[A]

They know that you were American. Were they the same?

[B]

Yeah, I put, I put it on my profile. I think it's a relevant information.

[A]

You're not catfishing them.

[B]

No. Some people don't want to date Americans

[A]

and that they were like, surprise. I'm also American. And you're like, no.

[B]

What the is this? But the posh English people will never put that.

[A]

No. Cuz that's the baseline. That's what everyone is. Surely.

[B]

So went on a date with this guy. He was posh English. He's older than me. Like, yeah. 46 or something. And I was like, this is weird. The oldest guy I've been on a date with. I know. Old.

[A]

Ancient. Yeah, it's ancient.

[B]

Sophie's vomiting.

[A]

Thank God I'll never be 46.

[B]

I know. He would be 46. Disgusting. Imagine I had a 40, 40 year old say to me the other day, like, people our age. And I was like, do I know? Anyways, yeah. So the 46 year old, I can't remember why I would not normally tell people about the fire and everything I've been through as a child, like on a first date. But he was telling me some stuff, it just became relevant. And he asked me because he was like talking about books and I was like, well, I wrote a book. And he was like, what was it about? And you know.

[A]

Yeah, you know, it's hard to learn

[B]

that mention you have to tell people you wrote a book every, at every opportunity.

[A]

He was saying, oh, have you looked at the menu? And I'm like, I wrote.

[B]

Yes, I wrote a book. I know about words.

[A]

Okay? I've seen the menu. Stop mentioning it.

[B]

Yeah, so whatever. I told him that and he listened and his face kind of dropped and he was like, I. I'm actually very jealous of that because you actually have something to point to as to why you're fucked up. Whereas I, like, don't. And I'm just fucked up for whatever reason. Even though I had a privileged upbringing, I actually said to him, I was like, that's a little bit weird to say.

[A]

That's an incredibly weird thing to say.

[B]

Yeah. And also if you do think that in your head, you don't say it out loud. You know what I mean? Like, I know.

[A]

I bet he thought it was like a really good thing for you to hear, like, hey, guess what? There's an upside. That horrific trauma.

[B]

I wish. My sibling died in a house fire. That's really cool because now I just

[A]

have to tell people I'm a narcissist and it's just not as cool. It's not as cool as having a reason.

[B]

What? Yeah, good times.

[A]

Also posh English people who went to boarding school.

[B]

Yeah, that.

[A]

That's. That's the one. That's it. That's your trauma. Yeah, that is horrific. It's one of the most horrific things you could do to a little child.

[B]

Yeah, it is.

[A]

Just point to that. But they're like, no, no. That was a great place where they taught us we were special. And it was fun not being near my parents for all of my childhood until I was 18. But I just don't know why I'm fucked up.

[B]

Up. That's the reason. Seriously. Now, see, now that's all. Because it's all. It's not the privilege that you're mad at. It's them being unaware of it that you're mad at. Like, all these stories of, like, you know, celebrities now, like, finally being called out for being Nepo babies. And then, like, they'll all be like, actually, it was really hard when I became a famous actress because I had to audition, like, eight times.

[A]

Uncle Stephen Spielberg, he. He never. He told me that I had to just go for my dream.

[B]

I mean, it's like. Because it's like, yeah, sure, but if you literally would just admit, yeah, of course I had a leg up.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Would I be Kate Hudson? Have my mother not been Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell? My dad? Like, yeah, of course I had a leg up. Everybody would be like, cool, down to earth. Thank you for admitting that. Like, just say that.

[A]

We're not gonna take away your opportunities because we can't be. You're a Nepo baby.

[B]

Us. You have fucking everything.

[A]

What are you gonna. What. What's gonna. What are we gonna do?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We're just gonna be like, boo.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But that's it. You'll still have a really nice life.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Also, I think the English. Oh, I have had no trouble.

[B]

You.

[A]

You're not. You've never been allowed to show an emotion.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's traumatic.

[B]

It's very traumatic.

[A]

Stand by that. Jesus. Do you. Do you have a rule for, like, when you bring up trauma on a date? Because at some point you've got to.

[B]

I have to say, like, that I don't have a steadfast rule, but I will try and wait as long as possible because it just makes everyone way too horny. No, it's too much.

[A]

Gotta make it challenging.

[B]

Yeah, no, because I did. I learned that actually last year, like, that guy that I just said. And then this other guy that I went on a date with, and we both trauma dumped. And after I left him on the date, I was like, I don't think I'm attracted to this guy. And I don't think I am, because I think it felt like a therapy session.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I couldn't view him as sexy, you know, and he. And I was like, and I don't feel sexy now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I was like, well, this is not. And not that, like, sex is all I was after. That was kind of for a bit last year.

[A]

We know it. We've just heard about how you being a whole

[B]

is such a funny crystal whore. Evans. Welcome to the fun. Yeah, no, but, like, yeah, now it's funny the. That I. I. I have actually dated, like, a couple people who knew about it before they met me because they'd heard of my comedy and stuff. And that's different, I feel.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I'm like. Because we didn't like Trauma dump, like right away, but it was like, they know about it. But also I'm not trying to crossbound. But also it's like for you and me, it's in our. You look us up and you'll know it.

[A]

Yeah. So I go on the apps under a fake name.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But then sometimes they'll be like a fat, non binary person with blue hair and glasses and like in their bio they're like, I love art. And then they go, hello, you seem like a good person. I would love to. I don't. You know who I am. There's no way. If you're plus size and have blue hair and you're non binary.

[B]

Don't me.

[A]

You know who I am. Just don't. Don't pretend you don't.

[B]

You're like, I know who you are. You've liked every one of my posts, my audience.

[A]

Like there's 20 of you in my audience every night.

[B]

So do you say that on stage? Because that is. Oh, Sophie, that's so funny. That is so funny. I love that so much. You.

[A]

It was like a queer poetry slammer liked me on and I was like, I. And pretended to not know me. And then I. I was so mad I found her on Instagram and I just to check and I was like, oh, there you like. I did like the double reverse picture thing. Oh, it says follow back. Yeah, thought so.

[B]

Absolutely knew it.

[A]

Thought so.

[B]

Don't try and me. Don't bullshit a bullshitter.

[A]

I can smell my audience from miles away. And again, it. It's not a real stench. I can. I just know.

[B]

And I recognize you from the vegan oat store around the corner from my house.

[A]

Literally. I've been in Edinburgh. I've been going into the cutest little shops where they sell all like all these like cute little vases, Easter greens.

[B]

Oh, sorry. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

This. It's just the cutest. And I go in and I just know. I know what's gonna happen. I go to the counter and they go, I'm coming to your show tonight. And I go, yeah, I know. I know you are.

[B]

That's.

[A]

I know. This is my. My audience runs all these stores. These dolls wouldn't exist without me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No. Would be drinking coffee.

[B]

I can't buy something without someone telling me they're gonna come to my show tonight.

[A]

Yeah. I went into. And it's. Then I think that's the norm. And then I went into like a hi Fi store and I was treated like. And I was like, oh, yeah. That's how I'm treated when. When people aren't aware of my work. Like, what do you want a cable? No. Okay, sorry.

[B]

Watch this reel.

[A]

Can you hire a blue haired fat girl?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Then I feel a lot more welcome in here.

[B]

Oh, that's funny. Have I done the tasks of the episode?

[A]

No, not yet.

[B]

We don't have to have it. Oh, great. Okay, great.

[A]

But can you tell people where to find your work? Oh, they need to read your book. Your book is incredible. Oh, I loved it so much. You're so good.

[B]

Thank you for sharing it on your socials. That was very nice of you as well. Well, it's very kind. It's called the Hottest Girl at Burn Camp. And it's just. Yeah, it's about my. I alluded to it in this episode. It's about my house burning down and my harrowing childhood. And then also about me doing the show at Edinburgh. Yeah, it's available whenever. The paperback's coming out in June and it's going to have like a new, totally new cover and stuff, so that'll be fun. And it's also on audiobook. It's on all the. The platforms. And yeah, buy the book independently if you can. Portobello Books in Edinburgh, a great place to buy it. They ship just as fast as Amazon and they also have signed copies for the same price, so why wouldn't you. You don't need to buy a spatula at the same time as my book. Just buy that, you know, which is,

[A]

to be fair, weird demand from Amazon.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Spatulas at home.

[B]

That's what you do on Amazon. You're like, I don't have this. I'll just, you know, it's like, that's true. And anyways, yeah, so do that. And yeah. Crystal Evans, comedy on Instagram. Yeah, Crystal with a K. That's really it for now. Oh, I have a podcast called Chris and Crystal are in Heat. It's a sexual relationships podcast. Oh, I'm not really doing much for me not being a hoe.

[A]

Oh, yeah. There's a horny podcast as well, but

[B]

a very horny podcast.

[A]

I'm looking for love.

[B]

I. It's funny because I. The, the premise of that podcast was me being a married woman with two children, straight woman, and then Chris being a gay man who's slept with hundreds of men and like, you know, him bringing that and me bringing. But now we've swapped and he wants a relationship and I'm a big old hoe. I know. Isn't that cute?

[A]

And I like you shortened hoe to hoe. That's very nice.

[B]

Yeah. You never heard ho.

[A]

It's a much cuter way of saying it.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Yeah. Full time haul.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, thank you so much for coming.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

See you next week.

[B]

See you next week.

[A]

Bye bye. Thank you so much for listening to that episode. If you want some sweet, sweet, sweet special extra bonus content, do go and sign up to Patreon or Substack and within the week you'll get an extra fun bonus episode. And there's so much fun. And there are so much. Did I mention fun? Go to Patreon or Substack. The links are in the show notes and I'll see you on tour. I'll be all over the place. The Edinburgh Fringe, Soho Theater, Denmark, Sweden, Germany, Netherlands and all over the uk. And more dates will be announced soon. Please sign up for my newsletter. The link is also in the show notes and just big thank you. Thank you for subscribing. Thank you for telling people about the podcast. It's completely self produced. I don't know if I've mentioned it, but I love you very much and thank you for listening and I will speak to you again soon. Thank you so much. Bye. Here's the end jingle made by me.