SWWP #20 - Read Between The Lines

Summary

Podcast Summary: Something Wrong With The Podcast

Episode: SWWP #20 - Read Between The Lines
Host: Julian Delgado
Release Date: June 3, 2025

Julian Delgado delves deep into personal turmoil, professional conflicts, and the journey toward self-improvement in the 20th episode of Something Wrong With The Podcast. Titled Read Between The Lines, this episode serves as both a candid confession and a therapeutic exploration of Julian's experiences after being ousted from a collaborative project. Through raw honesty and introspection, Julian navigates the complexities of workplace dynamics, personal growth, and the impact of his actions on relationships.

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1. Opening Clips: Tension and Miscommunication

The episode begins with a series of clips featuring Julian's interactions with former colleagues Rory and Damaris. These snippets highlight underlying tensions and miscommunications within their professional relationship.

• [00:00] Julian: "Nothing wrong with the pussy. Nothing wrong with the pussy."

• [00:07] Rory:
  "Me, somebody that, like, brags about what they're supposed to do... Why are you throwing this in my face like you did something that you weren't asked to do? Just sit there and go, 'I did this.' And it's like, no, no. That was the agreement. Should I, like, give you a big hug because you did what you were supposed to do."

• [00:27] Damaris:
  "Now you gotta put their name in lights and have balloons for them every day they walk."

These interactions set the stage for Julian’s ensuing narrative, showcasing the frustrations and disconnects that characterized his professional environment.

---

2. Julian’s Personal Journey and Commitment to Self-Improvement

Julian transitions from the clips to discuss his personal growth following his dismissal from the show. He emphasizes his dedication to leaving past grievances behind and focusing on mental health.

• [01:04] Julian:
  "I've been almost 20 weeks in, this being the 20th episode of my show, and I've made a very concerted effort to leave that part of my life behind. I haven't spoken about my firing since the first two episodes... I've turned to therapy, which I've been extremely open about on this show."

Julian contrasts his previous approach to self-improvement, which was primarily physical, with his current focus on mental well-being.

• [01:50] Julian:
  "In the past, it was easy for me to work on myself purely physically... But we all know that that's not how life works. The physicality is such a small piece of the real work that needs to be done on your mental state."

---

3. Conflicts and Reflections on the Former Show

Delving deeper, Julian addresses his strained relationships with Rory and Damaris, shedding light on the factors that led to his departure.

• [02:22] Julian:
  "This is what I love, the fact that you've convinced yourself that this is where our relationship fractured because I didn't have balloons or I didn't get enough hugs or praise."

He criticizes the lack of recognition and support he received, despite his significant contributions.

• [03:47] Julian:
  "Rory, like, you're fumbling through a BetterHelp script... You guys are just fucking convincing yourself of things that couldn't be further from the truth."

Julian recounts specific instances that exemplify the lack of appreciation and the eventual breakdown of professional ties.

• [05:54] Julian:
  "Why the fuck would Damaris have anything nice to say about me when I just waltzed in the studio, not only took your seat but also drained my pockets too."

---

4. Loyalty, Work Ethic, and Personal Boundaries

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to Julian’s unwavering loyalty and the toll it took on his personal boundaries and well-being.

• [16:30] Julian:
  "I was the person that Rory, in particular felt comfortable confiding in with his fractured relationships... But I've seen how you've spun things to fit you as the good guy in every situation."

He reflects on the sacrifices he made, often prioritizing the show’s success over his personal needs.

• [19:36] Mal:
  "I want it to be done well."

• [19:37] Julian:
  "I want it to be done the best that it can."

Julian admits to being overly accommodating, allowing others to take advantage of his good nature.

---

5. Family, Personal Relationships, and Emotional Support

Julian shifts focus to his family, emphasizing the importance of his parents and the desire to create meaningful experiences for them amidst professional chaos.

• [22:46] Julian:
  "I love my parents and I respect the work that they did for me... I work so fucking hard to be in a position to provide moments like this for my mom and dad."

He shares poignant moments where his role bridged connections between his family and his friends, highlighting the emotional labor involved.

• [23:36] Julian:
  "The music is one thing, but it's everything that led to that point... It's being able to celebrate my friends and my family and my parents and give them those experiences."

---

6. Breaking the Silence and Speaking the Truth

Towards the episode’s climax, Julian confronts his internal struggle between maintaining silence and the necessity to voice his truth. He addresses the fear of backlash and the anticipation of becoming the villain once more.

• [25:53] Julian:
  "People see this as a video diary. These things are very important parts of my life that I feel like I have not spoken about... I want to break out of that cycle to free myself of living with these things internally."

He acknowledges the potential negative reception but reinforces his commitment to honesty and self-liberation.

• [28:18] Julian:
  "Why should I just fall in line and be quiet? Especially as someone like me who advocates so much for people to speak out and be honest..."

Julian underscores the importance of setting personal boundaries and standing up against injustices, even at the cost of personal reputation.

---

7. Conclusion: Moving Forward with Authenticity

In closing, Julian asserts his intention to continue speaking his truth without seeking validation through conflict or controversy. He reflects on his growth and the lessons learned from his tumultuous experiences.

• [29:36] Julian:
  "This has just become a video diary. These things are very important parts of my life that I feel like I have not spoken about... I've been conditioned... to not speak on these things."

He expresses determination to move forward with authenticity, prioritizing mental health and personal integrity over external perceptions.

• [33:32] Julian:
  "I don't want to rely on conflict. I don't need conflict to boost my show and get people to care. I only want people interested in what I'm saying to tune in."

Julian concludes the episode with a commitment to self-preservation and a promise to future listeners that he will remain true to himself, regardless of external pressures or criticisms.

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Key Takeaways:

• Personal Growth: Julian emphasizes the importance of mental health over physical appearances and the journey of self-improvement through therapy.

• Workplace Dynamics: The episode sheds light on toxic professional relationships, lack of recognition, and the personal cost of unwavering loyalty.

• Family and Emotional Support: Highlighting the significance of family, Julian underscores the balance between professional obligations and personal relationships.

• Breaking the Silence: Julian confronts the fear of backlash to advocate for honesty and integrity, even at personal expense.

• Commitment to Authenticity: The final message reinforces the value of being true to oneself and prioritizing personal well-being over external validation.

Something Wrong With The Podcast #20 serves as a profound exploration of Julian Delgado's struggles and resilience, offering listeners an intimate glimpse into the challenges of maintaining authenticity in the face of adversity.

Transcript

[Julian]

Nothing wrong with the pussy. Nothing wrong with the pussy.

[Rory]

Me, somebody that, like, brags about, they supposed to do, like, no, I know. You don't get, like, credit for doing what you was hired for. This is what you get paid for to do this. Why are you throwing this in my face like you did something that you weren't asked to do? Just sit there and go, I. I did this. And it's like, no, no. That was the agreement. Should I, like, give you a big hug? Because you did what you were supposed to do.

[Damaris]

Now you got to put their name, like, in lights, and, like, every day they walk and have balloons for them.

[Julian]

Let's play that one more time.

[Rory]

Me, somebody that, like, brags about, they supposed to do, like, nah, no, you don't get, like, credit for doing what you was hired for. This is what you get paid for to do this. Why are you throwing this in my face like you did something that you weren't asked to do? Just sit there and go, I. I did this. And it's like, no, no, that was the agreement. Should I, like, give you a big hug because you did what you were supposed to do.

[Damaris]

Now you got to put their name, like, in lights and, like, every day they walk and have balloons for them.

[Julian]

I've. I'm almost 20 weeks in, actually. This is the 20th episode of my show, and I've made a very concerted effort to leave that part of my life behind. I haven't spoken about my firing since the first two episodes. I've disconnected from Twitter spaces, Reddit threads, all the places where in which I could get caught up in, you know, in the comments. I've turned to therapy, which I've been extremely open about on this show. I've talked through the hellsheet that I've had with. With my therapist, and also to an extent here, I've committed to working on myself more than I ever have in my life. In the past. It was easy for me to work on myself purely physically. It's like, okay, well, I'm in a bad space. Let me just throw on 15, 20 pounds of muscle and just look better. Because if I look better, it presents that I'm feeling great. But we all know that that's not how. That's not how life works. The physicality of it is such a small piece of the real work that needs to be done on your. Your mental state. We don't need to embellish that. Then here comes Rory on this. I guess this is a Patreon clip. This was sent to me this Patreon episode.

[Mal]

Of course.

[Julian]

Yeah. Tuck it behind the paywall. And this is what I love, the fact that you've convinced yourself that this is where our relationship fractured because I didn't have balloons or I didn't get enough hugs or praise or, you know, you guys didn't give me enough head in between. Every episode we did shows you how little you actually listened to or cared about me in the first place. I could not have been more open or transparent regarding my, you know, concerns, whether it was over an email, text, or phone calls. Obviously, I don't have the phone calls on record, but I have plenty of emails, and they know exactly the email in particular that I'm referring to. Actually, they might not because they never fucking read it. And the text messages as well. I've. I've poured my heart out, and it wasn't just emotionally. It was also backed up with facts and support that. That also supported the things that I was saying, which we can get into in a bit. Like, I. I don't get how. I mean, I get it, because I know these guys, and they do this with every relationship that they have. Like, Rory, like, you're fumbling through a better help script when it's clear your therapy is just as about as effective as Mal's diet. You guys are just fucking convincing yourself of things that couldn't be further from the truth. And I don't feel like it's my job to set the two of you straight.

[Mal]

It's not.

[Julian]

I understand how people like you both work. You're not going to be convinced of something that you're not.

[Mal]

You're very.

[Julian]

You're going to believe the truth that.

[Mal]

You want to believe, because at one.

[Julian]

Point, I was the person that Rory, in particular felt comfortable confiding in with his fractured relationships with everybody on our team and a few other people in the industry. And he confided in me quite often, and I'm not going to spill tea on all those. Those things, and nor do I plan on doing that. But I've seen how you've spun things to fit you as the, you know, the good guy in every situation where in some cases, that may not be the case. And then it just. It was a matter of. It was my time. It was my time to be the fall guy. It's my time to be the bad guy. And I. I just re. Watched the Batman series, and there's a great quote, and I believe it was a Dark Knight. I binged him. I watched the three of them. Dark Knight Rises I believe it was. I watched the three of them in a row. They say you can only meet people.

[Mal]

As deeply as they have met themselves.

[Julian]

And when I started on this show, I had spent so much time committing to a company, committing to guys that weren't ever really committed to the company or the work at hand themselves. Like, I know how this is going to go. I know that. I know the comments are going to turn on me. I'm going to be the villain. It's going to be, you know, fuck Julian. Can you believe what he said about our guys?

[Mal]

I get it.

[Julian]

I've always been a guest. They brought me in, they put me on.

[Mal]

How dare he.

[Julian]

I'm not speaking from a place of. I'm not like guessing here.

[Mal]

I lived it and there's others there that have lived.

[Julian]

I'm not even.

[Mal]

I'm not trying to bring Damaris or.

[Julian]

Drag her through the mud with this, but if anyone can relate to anything that I'm saying, it's Damaris, because we.

[Mal]

Bonded deeply over this stuff.

[Julian]

We could even start by how Damaris and I were broad.

[Mal]

Were met. Our.

[Julian]

The impetus of our relationship was awful. And that wasn't on our doing.

[Mal]

That was because of the two of them.

[Julian]

Basically I was doing social media at the time. She was the producer. They were severely under delivering to Sirius xm, like less than half of what they were supposed to be doing, numbers wise. So in. In I come from just socials to now producing as well. And it wasn't a matter of like.

[Mal]

A transfer of power.

[Julian]

It was like one day Rory asked me to come over to record and I just sat in Damaris seat. And she didn't know what was happening, nor did I. And that was where we met. And not only did they do that.

[Mal]

But they cut the Maris pay as well.

[Julian]

So why the fuck would Damaris have anything nice to say about me when I just waltzed in the studio, not only took your seat, but if. If you're doing the math, which I don't blame her at the time, she's also being. Well, he's also not only taking my seat in my role on the show, but he drained my pockets too. So let's just start there. I mean, that was my introduction to this whole thing. It's like, I'm not that these, these aren't. I dug. Damaris and I did work for years to dig ourselves out of a hole and pitted against each other to become not only co workers, but good friends. I still speak to Damaris. Damaris. I love Damaris. We put in the work to do that we cared enough about what we were building and, and found commonality and all the other bullshit that came with working here and bonded together to survive this whole fucking run that we went on. And now I'm looking at the comments of this video. It's like you guys turned into the people you know, turned into people you turned your backs against. If I. Here's one. Here's a great one. I mean, I can respond right to this. If he was hired as a producer solely and then transitioned into an on air personality, I'm not mad at him for wanting more money. In short, I mean, there's a lot.

[Mal]

That went into me leaving, but that.

[Julian]

Was the main one. And I have an email and they know the email that I'm referring to because they just chose to ignore it. They never read it. But this email I got responses to, I sent it in February. We got around to it in August. So, you know, I felt loved and appreciated along that six months. That was the reason why I really, I put up with a lot of shit. But that was the ultimate slap in the face. And that, I mean, that's true. These, these comments, you know, everyone spends time shitting on people that. Imagine listening to a podcast and then commenting about podcasts. Oh, these fucking losers. These people care and they care about us and they care about our lives and they. And they can also read between the lines and understand what the fuck is actually going on. A lot of these comments are pretty fucking spot on. My role, if you're a listener, you can even track. It changed dramatically from when I first came onto the show to where it ended up. I'm not going to bring in numbers. We can go there if we want. I don't plan on it. When I, when I had my New Year's Eve story, brought in a significant spike to the Patreon, none of which I was, you know, saw any more.

[Mal]

Money of which again, wasn't in my contract.

[Julian]

I wasn't cut or owed any bit of Patreon at that time, nor did I ask for any money from that at that time. I was just very happy to contribute to the show in a very big way. Fast forward to the bare minimum shirt thing. I was very much bullish on making that a moment that led to a huge bump in revenue that ended up going towards like the renovations for the actual studio that we closed on at the time. There are titular moments that I led to. We don't even need to mention the Young Thug clip. That's the biggest viral clip that's come out of the show, period, which led to insane spikes in social data, like, for the show itself, which can all be tracked. None of this is, like, numbers that don't exist. But the point is, like, I really have made an effort to just live my fucking life and just be in the content space, because I enjoy being in the content space. But I saw this, and I actually saw it. So there's this. We gotta backtrack here. People saw my tweet, which. Let me pull up, because I actually don't remember what I said exactly verbatim. Let me pull it up. I had tweeted this. Let me see. I had tweeted on May 28, all.

[Mal]

Those late nights in bottles of wine.

[Julian]

Are wearing on your face.

[Mal]

Drink some water and get some sleep.

[Julian]

Which, again, if you follow me and you care about and you're. You're connecting the dots here, you think.

[Mal]

That that was about Rory. It wasn't.

[Julian]

I. And I, again, would have no reason to lie to you.

[Mal]

That was about.

[Julian]

This is the Memorial Day week. And I tweeted this. This is.

[Mal]

I was referring to a group of.

[Julian]

Girls that I know that, like, just, you know, they're just bottle leechers. They Hamptons hop, You know, they just all post the same content and they just fucking, you know, just drain themselves.

[Mal]

And they're all.

[Julian]

They all just look exhausted, and it wears on their faces, and they just look weathered. And I'm just like, man, like, that shit seems so. Like, you know, maybe it's because I'm older, but that just seems like it's just so not worth it. And I'm just, you know, looking back on it, it's a judgy tweet, but it made sense for me at the time. I just want to throw something out there to be like, I'm glad I'm not in this phase of my life. Obviously, that got a lot of attention from the community. And then someone sent me the video to the one that I played at the beginning, this episode of Rory in mall, having that cute little back and forth about me needing to be, you know, celebrated, sucked off and hugged with balloons and greeted every day. And it really, like, was a gut.

[Mal]

Punch.

[Julian]

Because, I mean, we don't even need to talk about the situation like the other situations and everything else that I've gone through in this fucking. At that show. But it's just. It's so on brand to think that that's the very thing in which led to our. To this split or led to the.

[Mal]

The Downfall was me needing to be.

[Julian]

Championed at all times.

[Mal]

That could.

[Julian]

It couldn't be further from the truth. If by champion you mean paying me what I'm worth, that would have been a great start I would have been able to put up with because I know how this is going to go. I love Nathan Fielder. I've been watching the rehearsal. Let's do some. Let's do some Nathan Fielder method, AKA role playing. If you're not familiar with the Fielder method, I know how this is going to go. This comes out on Tuesday. Today, if you're listening, obviously they're going to come into the studio. Well, now, when I was there, they recorded three days a week. I still think it's three days a week, but say Wednesday or Thursday, who gives a shit? And they're. And, and I know how it's going to go. Rory and Damaris will be there because, you know, the usual recording times, 1, the call time used to be noon. That used to be, yeah, whatever, not happening now it's around 1 o' clock. So they'll be there at, you know, 12:31, like normal people on time. And then they'll hang around for about an hour and a half, two hours, waiting. God, I don't miss that. I do not miss just waiting and then just see it sitting in anger and just sitting in burning time. And we all used to bond over that. Just like, oh, traffic must be crazy today. Because that was always the excuse. And then at some point, in walks mall. Here comes the elevator, door swing open, Mall walks in two hours later as if nothing happened. No, my bad. No, nothing. No word, no exchange of words, nothing. Just gets right into the chair. Yo, what are we talking about today? Mind you, why we would used to get there at noon or one was because we used to have these things called production meetings. Imagine that. Imagine prepping and planning ahead of a recording. Those recordings, those, those production meetings would, you know, basically myself and Damaris would go through topics, Rory would contribute, and then we kind of banter on like certain things and then kind of figure out the shell of the episode, which.

[Mal]

Would probably be great if Mal also.

[Julian]

The, you know, the second name of the billing, the second lead, the 5050 partner of the show was there for those conversations, but he never was. So, you know, when he walks in and he comes in, you know, an hour or two hours late, and he goes, what are we talking about? It would be nice if you made the production meetings because then we wouldn't have to go through the process of.

[Mal]

Explaining what we had just talked about.

[Julian]

And what we plan on talking about. If you were just on time, just gonna throw that out there.

[Mal]

And that's not.

[Julian]

I mean, that's just, like, general advice. Like, if you have, like, meetings just for anybody, just for people in general, if you commit to something, it'd probably be smart and, you know, respectful for everyone's time. If you show up on time, especially when you have guests, it's really weird when you have guests and you're like, the guests are hanging out waiting before the person whose show it is shows up. So just, you know, a rule of advice. So he'll come in and go to his seat and maybe order a smoothie. So now we're looking at, like, another, you know, 25, 30, 35 minutes of sitting and waiting for a juice to get there because you don't want them to interrupt the recording. And then this is how it's going to go. Take a seat, and Ma's going to look over at Rory, and he gonna be like, yo, you see what that. You see what that said? And then he's gonna give lip service about me. Can you believe he said all that? Yeah, we gonna. And then they'll go about do the recording, but they'll never explicitly say anything. They'll do the whole, you know, like this video that I led with. There'll be a lot of subs, a lot of sneaky. Nikki. Because Mal is very keen on never naming anybody or never explicitly saying anybody, because we would, at the time when I was there, we would try to get him there with certain things. With Joe, he obviously didn't want to go there, which, again, I may have at the time, felt differently about, but respected. It's like, look, it's your show. If you don't want to take it there, you don't have to. It's fine. We'll figure out some other ways or something else, or just ignore it. But I know that that's their game. And then there's also the angle. I know Rory's angle is always this, because it's been this for years. It's. I never said your name. But if the shoe fits, then, you know, it must be about you. So he's gonna say in the clip that I led with, well, we never said your name, but if you feel that way, if you feel like that was towards you, then, you know, maybe that was like, Then. Then maybe you were that person. Maybe you felt that way, as if. Yes, that was right. You weren't thinking of me at all during that clip. That's right. You're right. You know what? You've convinced me otherwise. I did need balloons every time we started a recording. I did need someone to hold my hand and celebrate me and give me a gold star. You know what? Shame on me.

[Mal]

That was who I was the whole time.

[Julian]

You fucking. You got me, buddy. I wasn't the person that was willing to go on tour, you know, tour, manage, help write and perform on the shows without making a cent off tour. You're right, that must have not been me. I wasn't the person that flew myself out to London.

[Mal]

Waited.

[Julian]

I flew myself out to not work. I just wanted to be there and experience that because I'd never been to London. And then the day of the show, Benner got too fucking drunk at a bar across the street. The projector didn't work.

[Mal]

And for those that are listening, that.

[Julian]

Are from our London, that were at that first show, you know what I'm talking about. You saw how hard I was working. He's across the street just getting blackout drunk. I'm running in this old auditorium with this fucking 600 pound, 600 pound projector with these two, you know, production assistants trying to figure out the show and communicating with you guys where we're at. Because the person that's paid to be there, the person that flew first class to be there, the person that you pay a managerial cut for, is across the street just, you know, blacking out and smoking and chain smoking cigarettes. But you know, my, I should have, I deserved flowers and you know, a, a high five for, for my efforts. I'm sorry, I, I was asking for too much. It was my bad. I flew myself out there, put myself up, figured out my housing situation, went to the show that I didn't think I was going to work and ended up work. I sweat through my shirt, ended up leading the meet and greet, doing the whole thing with the projector. And then my bad, guys, you know what? My bad, my bad for working too hard and expecting too much from you guys. That's. So I'll. You know what? You know what? Actually I'll take responsibility for that.

[Mal]

Stupid of me to go to London.

[Julian]

And support when I wasn't getting paid. So yeah, you know what?

[Mal]

I am a fool.

[Julian]

Maybe that's, that really is what it comes down to. It's like maybe my loyalty. When people say they're loyal to a fault. I am. I was certainly with them and that should have been a wake up call in itself. Jesus Christ. That was insane. That trip was so bad and there's so much stuff that I could say that I'm just. We can take it a day at a time, but let's just start with that one. What else did I do that was extremely selfish? Let's see. I mean, yeah, I mean I went on the, the rest of that tour again like, you know, every show didn't, didn't make a dime. And I'm pretty sure that that's what soured their relationship with Joe was the touring splits of things. Which is funny because I never asked for a penny from the show money ever, ever. I just wanted to contribute because I loved what I did and it brought me a lot of joy. I was operating like a kid. I, I think I let my. I'm the youngest brother. I think I let my. And I've talked this through deeply in therapy. I have this. I'm very anti conflict by nature, which is what makes doing shit like this hard. But I, I know what's right and I know if I'm involved in it.

[Mal]

I want it to be done well.

[Julian]

And I want it to be done.

[Mal]

The best that it can.

[Julian]

So I will throw myself into something not expecting a return, but for the sake. Basically what I'm saying is I'll let people take advantage of me and not see it as that and also, you know, be spun in a way that it's not taking advantage. It's like we, you know, we appreciate you, you work so hard. But my parents come to the show in New York. Julian is the, is the hardest worker here is no one that works as hard as him is fucking, you know, all that. You do all that on camera, on video with my, with my fucking parents. You know, my mom and dad who I have, you know, who everyone knows that listen to show knows how highly I speak of my family and how little I let people meet them. You know, I don't want people that, that are bad or don't belong to that extent in my life to meet my parents. I guard my parents because they deserve it and I want them to meet people that I love and respect. And that at that moment, that meant a lot to me. And then I see these photos pop up on my phone as recommended old photos. And it brings me a lot of fucking anger to. They're touching and laughing and kikiing with my mom and my dad as if shit is sweet and it never was. And at the time I was just so focused on growing the product and just pushing my personal well being to the side. I cared so much about everyone else but myself. That I let all this shit slip. And it hurts to see these things now. It honestly does. I. I hadn't thought about it and I actually wasn't planning on saying this now I'm past. I'm past the phase of what I thought I was gonna say. Now I'm just going. But, yeah, there's some things that have been difficult to come to terms with. Yeah, I just. I love my parents and I respect the work that they did for me and how hard they work to provide for me and protect me. And I feel whatever. Whatever amount that I can do with that, whatever people I love and respect, that I. That I come into my life, that I speak super highly, ever think super highly of, and want them to meet. Like, they're. They're going to come down to the city, they're going to meet Boz for the first time, and they DM with Boz and they've spoken to him in the past on, like, a FaceTime call. And like, that shit means so much to me from just, like, a point of pride and a point of, you know, vulnerability. Like, you. You know. But when Boz lost his mom, I would turn. He would confide a lot in me and we spoke often, and I didn't feel like I had the tools or was equipped to be someone that could be that outlet. And I. And I didn't know how to be that person, but I knew I wanted to be that person.

[Mal]

So I would talk to my mom.

[Julian]

And my mom had lost her mother when she was a sophomore in college to cancer. And it, like, tapped a vein of my mom and my mom. I saw my mom over our phone calls relive that experience and provide some incredible insight that she would then tell to me that I would interpret and relay to boss. And then I found out that they were actually messaging each other directly on Instagram. And that it, like, makes, you know, it makes you emotional to know that you're the bridge. I love being the person that creates those moments for people. That someone you don't expect can be such a important figure at such a specific time in your life and really.

[Mal]

Bring closure to you.

[Julian]

And not everything needs to be like, when I'm down, I need someone to turn to, even, like, in a happy way. It's like this person is celebrating you or etc. So the fact that they're coming and meeting him later this month is going to be honestly and truly special for me. And Boz announced the. The album with the hicks, and I'm. I'm so excited to, to see that show live and experience that with, with him, with the hicks, but most importantly with, with my parents, with my family. I work so fucking hard to be in a position to provide moments like this for my mom and dad. And it may not seem like much. It's like, Julian, what do you do? Just bring in your parents, do a concert? The music is, is one thing, but it's the, it's the, it's everything that led to that point. It's, it's being able to celebrate my friends and my family and my parents and give them those experiences that I've been so lucky to have that they never were able to have. And I could not be more excited to share this with them. Damn. I was not planning on going down that I forgot where I was. But anyway, I, I, I don't even know where I left off, but I, I saw this, this clip. We'll go back to the clip that I started with and I, and I, you know what it was? I, I couldn't go to sleep. This is the thing. And I said this to my therapist and I know I'm gonna repeat that a lot because it's true, I speak very openly with him. I went to bed that night after seeing this clip and there were so many lines in my head. Whether it was like, you know, what I responses or jokes, or like, me again, back to the rehearsal, seeing myself in this chair responding to it. And I have this like out of body experience where I rehearse these things and play them out and really see myself living through the moment itself, but also through the repercussions that come with it. And throughout my life, I've usually let that unknown of the repercussions that come with it stop me from doing something.

[Mal]

Even if I know I'm in the.

[Julian]

Right or even if I know what.

[Mal]

I'm saying doesn't need to be said.

[Julian]

But will make me feel better because it's just, it's my truth and it's the truth of the situation. So let's take it like an example again with the show. Like, this is like the most obvious one. When Ed and wailed off on me and punched me like, you know, however many times in the face, 99% of people would stand up and punch him back in the face.

[Mal]

I didn't.

[Julian]

Nor did it ever cross my mind because instead of re, Instead of thinking about, damn, I should lay this dude the fuck out, my mind went to, if I do this, here are all the other things that could come with it.

[Mal]

And Those are the things that prevent.

[Julian]

Me from doing things even if I'm in the right. Those that, that wave of consciousness and that wave of thinking ahead really stops me from being an impulsive person. But then I had this thought with this. It's like, why in, in podcasting, in hip hop, in politics in particular, like, in any public facing position, I feel like so many people win that have done the wrong thing and they're like paraded and celebrated and put, and, you know, put to new heights and given more opportunities. Meanwhile, like, the truth of the situation or the people that they harmed or hurt are kind of, you know, expected.

[Mal]

To not speak out or just expected.

[Julian]

To fall in line, whatever that, whatever that looks like or however you interpret that. And I know that there's a part of me that the two of them are like, ah, man, he. He's not built to. He won't speak up because I, by nature, I don't want to. I'm not someone that wants to be. I lived in the shadows.

[Mal]

I've been quiet.

[Julian]

I've just been doing my show, talking about, you know, politics in the Knicks and a couple other funny stories along the way and answering voicemails because that's.

[Mal]

What I want to do.

[Julian]

That's me making peace with the situation. And I think had I responded not to this clip, because obviously this just happened, but had I, had I aired out how I felt when it happened.

[Mal]

I don't think I would have been.

[Julian]

Prepared mentally for.

[Mal]

That level of fallout.

[Julian]

Because I was already the villain, which I get. I understand in doing this, I'm going to become the villain again. The difference is, with this time around, I'm so far removed and detached from this world, and I know what it can. I know you can misinterpret. This is, like you said, he's better than us. I'm saying, like, in a, in a matter of creating boundaries and in a healthy way, I, I am only doing this response because I feel like I need to defend myself and other people that are in a similar situation. And it's also something that has been eating up, eating at me inside for quite some time. Why should I be one of the many people that just don't speak up?

[Mal]

Why should I just fall in line and be quiet?

[Julian]

Especially as someone like me who advocates so much for people to speak out and, and be honest, especially when you know you're in the right of a situation, you should speak to the truth of it.

[Mal]

Especially now.

[Julian]

Who. Who's looking after. I don't have a superior I don't have a co host that I need to, you know, ask for their approval.

[Mal]

Before I go ahead and do things.

[Julian]

I can just act and speak freely, which is, you know, one of the many reasons why, which I started this program was to just be able to be Julian and just be my, you know, stupid, silly, dumb self or. Or just get on like, some heady ass, like, literature, film, nerd shit or, you know, political rant every once in a while.

[Mal]

Why not?

[Julian]

This has just become a video diary. And so is this part of it as well? Like this. These things are very important parts of my life that I feel like I have not spoken about. And I've been conditioned isn't the right word, but I've been.

[Mal]

In the habit.

[Julian]

I've gained a habit of just not speaking on these things. You know, like, when the Eden thing happened, we agreed not to speak on it for certain reasons. And. But that wasn't difficult for me to do because my comfort is to rather is to not speak to the offenses or like, speak to the moments of conflict. And I want to break out of that cycle just to free myself of living with these things internally because it's been difficult to just sit here week after week, ignore the elephant in the room and just go about my.

[Mal]

My life.

[Julian]

Especially when there's no one, no one out there, no one on these YouTube pages, no one in these Reddit threads, no one that can speak to that experience as closely as I can, as being on that show, being in that studio, being someone that came in like a fucking hurricane and left, you know, like a hurricane. And another. It's. It's been an insane ride of highs and lows, and I've lived enough time away from it. I've been removed with it enough to. It's not even that too, because old me would be like, time heals all. I'll just sit on it and pause before I'm at a point where, like, it doesn't affect me anymore. But not only did I take the time away from it to really, like, think through these things, I've been actively speaking to my therapist and opening up and getting to using the moments and my experiences on the podcast as a.

[Mal]

As a way to really get into.

[Julian]

The weeds of, like, the psychosis and psychology of the very things in which and why I act a certain way, which is exciting. And I don't know what comes next. I know publicly I'm going to get a lot of hate, and I'm okay with that. I truly am. I don't want to be the villain, but I know that I am in a better place, but my mental faculties are in a better place to carry that burden.

[Mal]

And.

[Julian]

Whether or not they respond to this, I really don't plan on saying much more. I mean, quite frankly, I mean, the ball's in their court. And I'm sure, again, like, how this clip got sent to me.

[Mal]

They'll.

[Julian]

They'll sub me and. And say things. But I don't. I don't listen. I didn't listen when I was on the show. Like, I don't. I'm not tuning in. I'm not. Respectfully, I'm not following Danny at the stops looking at his stuff either. Like, I'm not. I'm not looking for another fight. I'm not looking for, you know, people are going to see him be like, well, he finally dressed the. Aired him out so he could get his views up.

[Mal]

Those views look crazy in the light.

[Julian]

He needed them all along. I don't do this for those things. I don't want to be someone that needs. I've said this in the many spaces that I've been on as well as in my actual episodes. I don't want to rely on conflict. I don't need conflict to boost my show and get people to care. I only want people interested in what I'm saying to tune in. But that being said, I can only hear certain things or take so much subtle disrespect before I feel like I need to speak on it. That was all I plan on doing today, was speaking on it. I spoke to mentors of mine in podcasting. I spoke to. I said, I may not set him enough. My therapist. I. I ran down the gamut of people whose voices I respect and whose perspectives I respect on this subject matter, about how I should go about this and how I should handle it. And mixed. They've had mixed, mixed views. And I just know that this, to me, at least right now, feels right. And I'll continue to do what feels right for myself. So thank you for tuning in. Good night.