Steve Gerben | Son of a Boy Dad #426

Summary

Son of a Boy Dad #426: Steve Gerben | August 11, 2026

Episode Overview

In this episode of Son of a Boy Dad, Steve Gerben joins hosts Roan, Lil Sasquatch, and Francis for a freewheeling, hilarious conversation that explores everything from New York driving nightmares and co-ed rec sports to behind-the-scenes stories from the Netflix show "Tires," stand-up comedy pressures, golf obsessions, the economics of show business, and much more. The episode is packed with personal anecdotes, quick-witted banter, reflections about masculinity and growing up, and memorable moments that highlight the deep camaraderie between the regulars and their guest.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Nightmare of Driving in NYC

• Roan, Shane, Francis, Matt share horror stories about navigating the Lincoln and Holland Tunnels.

• Discussion on urban planning rage versus road rage.

• Frustration with convoluted city layouts and the stress of missing exits.

  • Notable Quote - Shane (03:31):
    "I tried to call you. I'm in the tunnel. Can't call you...I might just turn around."
  • Memorable Moment (04:35):
    The group jokes about getting lost on New York’s looped highways, getting stuck for hours, and driving in tears.

2. The Zen (and Rage) of Car Culture

• Reflections on the car as a peaceful/meditative place.
• Some prefer silence, some music, others note how road rage and frustration are always close at hand.
• Francis discusses preferring silence and self-diagnoses as a "mad-nice" road-rager.
• Francis (08:30):
  "It’s a Zen box...I love the air conditioning, I love the silence of it."
• Confessions about not really listening to music in the car, comparing it to fantasy football ("Why imagine when you can do?")
  (10:36) Francis: "I think I look at music the same way I sort of look at fantasy football, where I'm like, well, I play music, so why would I imagine it?"

3. Musical Preferences, Piano, and Billy Joel

• Francis details his classical music background, favorite pianists, and being a de facto musician on the podcast.
• The group debates Bruce Springsteen’s relevancy and voices (11:06-13:00), with jabs at his aging vocals and nostalgia-laced lyrics.

4. Golf as Identity, Obsession, and Class

• Extended conversation on high school golf, privilege in suburban New England, country club culture.
• Matt reminisces about free golf during high school in Massachusetts; contrasts with less privileged systems elsewhere.
• Francis offers a detailed description of golf’s social ladder, high school golf perks, and the "cheater’s culture" in school sports (21:01).
  • "We used to have kids who’d play in practice, shoot double par, then come back claiming they were two under." (23:48)
• Indexes, handicaps, and the obsession with stats.

5. Co-ed Rec Sports, Team Building, and Injury Woes

• Roan and Shane tell stories of injuries sustained in adult kickball and dodgeball, often while trying to impress women.
• The awkwardness of competing in co-ed rec leagues—the tension between competing and trying to date.
  • "The only software running on my brain is like, who can I date?" (47:00 - Shane)
• Humiliation following public sports injuries, repeated shoulder dislocations, and the comedy of adult athletic failure. (43:17)

6. Masculinity, Physical Decline & “Glory Days”

• Group riff on "glory days"—nostalgic reflections on prime years, the passage of time, and the myth of the athletic prime.
• Francis (13:19):
  "It definitely feels like I'm in a bit of a glory hole."
• Roan: "You're not getting sucked through a wall, bro. You’re having glory right now!" (13:23)

7. Behind-the-Scenes of “Tires” and Showbiz

• Gerben and the hosts share stories about the making of Netflix’s "Tires," casting decisions, craft services, and on-set anecdotes.
• On using real people as inspiration for characters, and the oddities of show business hierarchies.
  • Shane (54:39):
    "There was a guy that worked for my dad...incredible salesman, horrific cocaine problem, always doing something, getting fired and coming back. Robbed them at one point."

8. Finances, Taxes, and Family Ethics

• Gerben’s stories about family finances, using bar mitzvah money for a dog’s surgery, and his dad’s laissez-faire attitude toward state taxes.
  • Shane: "My dad’s the type, he’d be on the highwire from a business perspective..." (60:31)
• The group debates medical debt, bankruptcy, and the logistics of staying afloat financially in showbiz and beyond.

9. Travel Hacks, First-Class Upgrades, and Delta Lounge Life

• Francis and Matt share stories about airline status, lounge life, and the culture of upgrades.
  • Details on Delta’s top-tier "Diamond Medallion" status (96:03), lounge food (99:29), and travel etiquette.
• The psychology of watching couples refuse solo upgrades for love (84:02), and deriving joy from beating others to a first-class seat (94:01).
  • "I was rooting for their love...so they’d want to sit together and not take the upgrade" (84:36 - Francis)

10. Miscellaneous Banter & Tangents

• Hospital ownership ("People own hospitals, not just doctors!")
• The right and wrong ways to hold doors and elevator etiquette (25:01-28:56)
• Childhood musical education and the grudges or appreciation it fosters (82:39-83:59)
• Vodka as a sign of true, stoic masculinity; the "pinch" and the appeal of neat spirits (78:51-80:22)
• Ongoing thread: who will play golf with whom, and the logistics of getting a round going

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On NYC driving hell (03:31, Shane):
  "I'm in the tunnel. Can't call you...I might just go home."
• On music vs. musical performance (10:36, Francis):
  "I look at music the same way as fantasy football: I play music, so why imagine it?"
• On co-ed sports & romance (47:00, Shane):
  "The only software running on my brain is like, who can I date?"
• On bar mitzvah money for dog surgery (59:01, Shane):
  "I think I got like three grand for it...that was kept in an account. And then later my dog, Scooby, needed surgery...it was used for that."
• On competitive glory and growing up (13:19, Francis):
  "Feels like I'm in a bit of a glory hole."
• On travel upgrades and schadenfreude (94:01, Francis):
  "What I wanted to do was scan my ticket and wait to hear them be like, ah, we lost it. Cause that would have made me happy. Cause shame on them for thinking the world would be handed to them on a silver platter."
• On consuming straight vodka (80:22, Francis to Shane):
  "That's what you get to when you become a real man...the most mature men that I know drink vodka."
• On using work experiences for creative inspiration (54:39, Shane):
  "There was a guy that worked for my dad...incredible salesman, horrific cocaine problem and was just into it. Always doing something."
• On wealth and taxes (61:08, Shane explaining his dad):
  "He can be on the high wire from a business perspective in a way that would make most people uncomfortable."

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Nightmare NYC commute & tunnel talk: 01:19–08:22
• Car as sanctuary, music & silence: 08:36–11:36
• Bruce Springsteen debates: 11:36–13:12
• Golf, privilege, and cheating culture: 15:07–24:29
• Co-ed kickball, injuries, & athletic embarrassment: 34:26–47:45
• Rec league dating and masculinity: 47:45–50:10
• Behind-the-scenes "Tires"/character inspiration: 53:05–56:01
• Family finances/tax avoidance & medical debt: 59:01–63:32
• Stand-up comedy return, pressures, and Philly scene: 65:11–66:38
• Flying, lounge, and airline status wars: 84:11–96:14
• Delta Lounge, food, and awkward upgrades: 93:39–95:37
• Production catering & on-set eating: 99:03–100:31

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Flow and Tone

The episode is fast-paced, high-energy, and deeply conversational, bouncing rapidly between riffs, personal stories, and friendly roasts. Roan, Sasquatch, and Francis keep the banter sharp, while Steve Gerben fits seamlessly into the comedy, often grounding the conversation with vivid, self-deprecating stories. The tone is comedic and candid, punctuated by parental nostalgia, raw honesty, and the subtle existential dread that comes with being newly "rudderless" in adulthood.

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Final Takeaway

If you’re a fan of unfiltered friendship, inside baseball on comedy and showbiz, and seeing the vulnerable, barely-adult side of adulthood, this episode delivers all that and more—plus a healthy appreciation for the simple pleasure of a glass of cold vodka (and a well-timed “Glory Hole” joke).

Transcript

[Roan]

Hey. Son of a boy. Dad. Listeners, you can find every episode on Apple podcasts, Spotify or YouTube prime members can listen ad free on Amazon Music.

[Shane]

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[Francis]

Yeah.

[Roan]

It's nice, right?

[Shane]

Yeah, yeah.

[Roan]

It was bad. It was bad getting here.

[Shane]

Use it.

[Roan]

Have you not. You don't drive to New York.

[Shane]

No, no, no. I hate. I hate driving generally. And then here, it's just yours if you want it. I just wanted to see what it was. Sorry.

[Roan]

This is a video game thing.

[Shane]

There was no. By the way. There was no time to process anything. I just. I walked in and then we're, you know, I'm just kind of looking at stuff. Yeah.

[Matt]

You could take it all.

[Roan]

Yeah. I think there might be some Portuguese chocolate stuff over.

[Shane]

Absolutely not. What is it? Is it. Thank you.

[Roan]

A Portuguese chocolate. It's a sardine chocolate.

[Shane]

I appreciate that. I don't want it.

[Roan]

Why? You're bad at taking gifts.

[Shane]

Guys.

[Francis]

When did you become so rude?

[Shane]

What? I've always been this way. What? What are the. So.

[Roan]

Yeah, take it in. Take it in.

[Francis]

It's funny.

[Shane]

I'm just going to have to make. Go ahead.

[Francis]

You're the nicest person I know.

[Matt]

No, I'm not.

[Francis]

Until you're not.

[Shane]

First of all, how have I been anything but? I've been mad. Mad. You could be mad. Nice.

[Francis]

Our correspondence is you leaving me three minutes of the kindest, most sincere voice notes I've ever heard in my life. That's what you do.

[Shane]

Okay.

[Francis]

You're incredibly sweet.

[Roan]

What kind of. What's the nature of that? Kind of stuff.

[Francis]

We usually talk about golf and, like, you know, missing each other and stuff like that. Wanting to hang out more.

[Roan]

Who initiate? Are you initiating? Are you returning the same energy that he's giving, or is it.

[Shane]

I return way more if he talks about golf stuff, then I give back. I'm just looking for any reason to talk about. Sorry, I'm not.

[Matt]

No, no, all good. All good. I like sitting over here, but.

[Shane]

Yeah. So the drive here, you're in the Lincoln Tunnel, and then it goes, hey, you got to get over.

[Matt]

You can't get over.

[Shane]

You can't. I'm looking at white.

[Roan]

Double white.

[Shane]

Double. Well, not even double white, but like. Like white pl.

[Matt]

Cones. Oh, those things that straight up. Yeah, you can just go.

[Francis]

Those will. You'll bend those. Those will go.

[Matt]

No, Sometimes you got it. Sometimes you have to.

[Shane]

I have to. Well, I refuse to do that. So then. So then I'm going left, and I have to await my fate of, like, what's coming? I don't know. I got 10 minutes. It's bumper to bumper.

[Matt]

So then you don't know if it's going to add, like an hour onto the trip, too.

[Shane]

Right. So then, like, you know, a couple rights, and then I'm on another road and I go, oh, that's interesting. There's like those white. You gizmos again, not a good sign. And I go, that's got. It's kind of smart because four lanes, you separate it. You keep. And then all of a sudden, it starts going right again, and it's like, keep left. I'm like, I can't. And then it stick me back to the Lincoln Tunnel. It's like, you got to get off. Where.

[Matt]

Where that happens with the Holland Tunnel, too.

[Francis]

So you went back through the tunnel.

[Shane]

Through the tunnel.

[Matt]

You did it three times because you had to go back again.

[Shane]

I suppose you'd say four times because it was in. Out.

[Matt]

Well, yeah, you haven't gone out yet.

[Francis]

You will. You will eventually have done 4.4lengths.

[Shane]

So then I tried to call you. I'm in the tunnel. Can't call you.

[Francis]

Well, I called you as I'm coming out, and all we heard you picked up and you went, I might just go home.

[Shane]

I'm going home.

[Francis]

I might just turn around.

[Shane]

And then you.

[Francis]

And you were like, hang on. And then you hung up. And I'm like, all right, I'm here. You're on speaker. And I'm like, well, guys, I gu. That's the guest for the day. Appropriate.

[Shane]

That's an appropriate response to. So then the only reason I didn't go directly home was because he was still trying to reroute me. And then I was in new territory. So I was like. The safest thing would be to try it.

[Francis]

You had to follow the GPS because it was telling you to come. To keep trying.

[Shane]

Yes. There's so many. Why do people like this? Oh, my God, it's terrible.

[Matt]

I've had it. I've had it in the Holland tunnel where I've got that happen where like we got caught in the. Go back again and I was in like an Uber and I just got out. I'm sorry, man. I was like, there's no way I'm going through the tunnel two times again. Like, I'm just going to take the train or something.

[Shane]

Yeah, yeah.

[Matt]

It's terrible. But it happens on both of those tunnels.

[Shane]

If there. There's like a place to pull over and cry. I would have taken.

[Roan]

But there's not. There's the thing is that the fight through. God forbid you, like, open your window in the Holland Tunne. Oh, yeah.

[Matt]

You die immediately.

[Roan]

It's just all exhaust.

[Francis]

It's a bong of exhaust.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Interesting. Yeah.

[Roan]

It's a nasty hot box. But that is a frustrating drive, crying in your car. Imagine if you didn't have gps. That was a terrible era. I remember having to drive to North Jersey with printed out directions on MapQuest and like, I couldn't figure it out. So I was calling my dad to go over a map in real time with me and I was like spazzing on my dad just like it was his fault that I was lost in North Jersey. I was fucking crying. I think I cried afterwards. Just driving, losing it. It's frustrating.

[Shane]

It's so frustrating.

[Matt]

Yeah. Road rage is real. Do you get road rage a lot or just in situations like that?

[Shane]

I wouldn't even say that was road. Maybe there was a.

[Matt]

You were. You were raging directly at the road.

[Francis]

There's no infrastructure.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Francis]

City planning rage.

[Shane]

City planning rage.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Just mowing that thing down, though. It would just be a. And I've done it.

[Matt]

It's terrifying. But I only did it because the car in front of me did it. And then I was like, it. I'm doing it too.

[Shane]

Interesting.

[Matt]

And you think it's gonna be a scene, but it really. It's a. It's a very fluid motion. Just go right over. If they.

[Roan]

But if they didn't want you to drive over those things, they wouldn't make them bent, you know.

[Matt]

Yeah, they definitely don't want you to drive, you know.

[Francis]

You know. You know the wheel on Wheel of Fortune? You know how the little.

[Matt]

Yeah, exactly like.

[Francis]

And it kind of. It goes over the knobs and bends a little. That's. That's you.

[Roan]

Yeah, it's by design.

[Matt]

All right, well, if it's an orange cone, you're fucked.

[Shane]

At least I know for next time.

[Roan]

Are you worried about breaking the rules or that it would damage your vehicle?

[Shane]

Both. Yeah. I mean, if you've never done that.

[Roan]

It's also nasty. The one tunnel you go through, and it's just like a loop, and it's just like six different exits, and it's like Brooklyn.

[Matt]

Which one's that?

[Francis]

That's down in Tribeca. That's coming out of the Holland Tunnel.

[Roan]

Holland Tunnel? Yeah. You go through the Holland Tunnel, and it's just like. It's just going to send you on a fucking expressway to a town you don't even want to go to. It's brutal and dangerous.

[Matt]

So even getting off of that tunnel, like, if you're turning onto Hudson, if you don't get to the right immediately, you got to do another. Another loop.

[Francis]

Can't get over way out of the Holland. I don't think you can keep going around that loop.

[Matt]

Oh, you can't?

[Francis]

No. The last stop is the Canal Street.

[Matt]

I make it. I make it a priority to get over to that right side.

[Francis]

Yeah, yeah.

[Matt]

It really is stress.

[Shane]

Stressful, though.

[Matt]

It's like if you don't get over, you're like, it's over. Like, I'm going back in.

[Shane]

Constantly having to just take people's lives in your hand, driving because you have to.

[Matt]

Well, we none of us really drive here. I drive a lot in the city, though. Like in Manhattan. That's crazy.

[Shane]

You seem to have a good temperament for it.

[Francis]

I've gotten used to it. I also find my car to be a very peaceful place.

[Roan]

Self driving.

[Francis]

It's just like. I love the air conditioning. I love the silence of it.

[Matt]

I don't know.

[Francis]

It's a. It's a Zen box.

[Matt]

That's good. It's good to have that relationship with your car.

[Francis]

I say that, and then I'm also the guy that, like, films myself flipping out when people use the shoulder to cut. So you drive in silence? Yeah.

[Matt]

He listens to music.

[Francis]

No, I don't.

[Roan]

I don't.

[Matt]

Been in the car. When I've gotten in, I put it on for you.

[Francis]

So it's not weird.

[Roan]

It's a gift.

[Shane]

It's not weird to listen to nothing I. I love. I think nothing most of the time.

[Matt]

Think, like the whole way here today. Like, how long was your drive?

[Shane]

I did at one point I started to think, is that a Bruce Springsteen song? And then I tried to listen to some Bruce, but then I went back to silence.

[Francis]

Be too careful. There's all that music going on.

[Roan]

Tried music. And it wasn't for you today? No.

[Shane]

Oh, man. But I did. I did that Realist. There's a Chemical Brother song called Go that. It's part of some Instagram reel that got me. It was like when it was just an image of a guy feeding a very obese woman a piece of cake. And it was like when your battery. When your phone batteries. You got it on the charger.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Shane]

The Killer Brothers. Go play the back. I said, that's a good song. It's on the top of my likes for a while.

[Matt]

So do you just listen to that reel a couple times through and then.

[Shane]

Yes.

[Roan]

Played the song from the real. You're like, I have the appetite for the song. The real.

[Matt]

So you're a big 60 second preview guy.

[Shane]

What's that like?

[Matt]

You just like the. You just listen to songs in. In content, I suppose, or.

[Roan]

He said he downloaded it. You. You downloaded the song. So you had it on Spotify.

[Matt]

Oh, nice, nice, nice. I didn't. I didn't know if you had. So you listen to music just not in the car?

[Shane]

No, no. The car would be the place that I would.

[Matt]

So you don't listen to music at all?

[Roan]

No, I don't think Francis does he. I don't.

[Shane]

I don't.

[Roan]

I never heard you be like, I like this. Or I guess a little bit. Olivia Dean was the last artist I remember.

[Francis]

Yeah. But you know what? I think I look at music the same way that I sort of look at fantasy football, where I'm like, well, I play music, so why would I imagine it?

[Matt]

That's insane.

[Francis]

Why would I.

[Matt]

That might be the craziest thing you've ever said on the podcast.

[Francis]

Why would I, like, pretend. Why would I actively pretend to participate in this?

[Matt]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Francis]

I can do it when you can do it. I'll just wait till I get home to my piano and then play Go by the Chemical Brothers.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Yeah. Do you have a pianist that you like?

[Francis]

Excuse me, one. Singular.

[Matt]

Well, who's your favorite? Yeah, who's your goat?

[Francis]

Okay, well, that's a tough question because across different genres, I mean, I like certain composers. I like. Yeah. You want to talk about classical?

[Roan]

Start with. Start with classical.

[Francis]

And then I really love. What did you say?

[Matt]

I didn't hear that.

[Francis]

Chopin. I love as from a. More like modern stance. The pianist in the band. You're going to have to talk while I figure this out.

[Roan]

Obviously, Billy Joel was the answer to this.

[Shane]

My favorite Bruce Springsteen song would be the Christmas song.

[Matt]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Francis]

Love that one of Claus is Coming.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Roan]

That is the best one. Probably. Do you like the rest of it?

[Matt]

That's a good Christmas song. It's definitely not his best song.

[Roan]

You like the rest of this shit? I mean, I can't either. Yeah, I try all the time. Or I've tried multiple times. I went to a concert at Penn state. It's like $200. It was all I had. Three hours of him singing no songs I knew. And he just couldn't even get. He couldn't even get there with his voice. Oh, his voice is like leaving him. I don't know. That was like 20 years ago, dude.

[Shane]

Yeah, no shot.

[Matt]

His voice was leaving him 20 years ago.

[Roan]

Yes, it was, dude.

[Matt]

I saw it just when the Boss was peaking. Yeah, but that's. That's how it's supposed to sound. The raspier the better.

[Roan]

Because he was trying to shout it. He was trying to.

[Shane]

Also didn't have, like, any glory days. Personally, I'm kind of living in them.

[Roan]

But, you know, you are happy, so

[Francis]

that's why you can't relate to that song. But the whole point of song is glory days. They'll pass you by, by the way. You're in your glory days.

[Shane]

I did say that.

[Roan]

He said that.

[Francis]

Good. But you need to. You need to take stock of it because they will pass you by. And you'll look back on this time and say, I really wish I hadn't convinced myself I didn't have any glory days.

[Shane]

Well, no, no. I'm extremely aware of the glory of my days, currently.

[Francis]

Right.

[Shane]

But in relating to that song of, like, you know, in high school, the guy. Quarterback. Quarterback, Exactly. Right.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Nope.

[Francis]

I have. I've been in a little bit of a deficit of glory lately. And I will say, it definitely feels like I'm in a bit of a glory hole.

[Roan]

No, you're not in a glory hole, bro. You're not getting sucked through a wall.

[Francis]

Definitely in a glory hole.

[Roan]

You're having glory right now. What are you talking about? Where's your lack of glory?

[Francis]

I'm just hearing, like, three knock, which means he's ready.

[Roan]

He's about to come. Yeah, I think you're having glory. I don't. I don't think you should. Should judge yourself so, so, so harshly.

[Francis]

No, I actually feel pretty good. I just wanted to get to that glory hole joke. The Mount Joy is the band I was thinking of. And the pianist.

[Matt]

Oh, yeah.

[Shane]

I'll listen to them on the way home.

[Francis]

They're great. Mount Joy's awesome.

[Shane]

Is it like a jam band or.

[Matt]

Kind of.

[Francis]

Kind of. But, but, but more, more melodic. More like Philly.

[Shane]

Okay.

[Roan]

They're from Philly. They're Philly guys.

[Matt]

It's like Lumineers and Mumford and Sons. But like, more like positive, you know, Very happy.

[Roan]

It feels happy music.

[Shane]

That's great. Yeah.

[Francis]

Feels good for your body's awesome. You would like them.

[Shane]

Sorry. I'm like a little Flemmy, a little under the weather.

[Francis]

I was waiting for you to say something.

[Matt]

We were waiting for an apology.

[Shane]

Well,

[Roan]

it didn't. It didn't read as Fleming to me, honestly.

[Shane]

Oh, good.

[Roan]

I didn't. I couldn't tell.

[Matt]

I didn't pick up on any flame.

[Roan]

But now that you've said it, I'm going to be paying more attention.

[Shane]

Well, anytime it's crept up, I've cleared it.

[Roan]

But he was Fleming yesterday and he said you've been sick as a dog.

[Matt]

And it's a dog. Feel good now, though.

[Roan]

It's cleared up.

[Matt]

No, I haven't actually been sick as a dog.

[Roan]

You do sound a little Flemmy now that I'm listening to you, though.

[Matt]

Well, that's. If anything that's coming from him. He's passing over the phlegm.

[Francis]

Yeah. You two are. You guys are just ping pong in the flame.

[Matt]

Yeah, exactly.

[Roan]

You think you caught it live like that.

[Francis]

A lot of silent GS going on.

[Roan]

It's a sad day because you guys were supposed to be playing golf today.

[Francis]

We were. And Steven wore his golf shoes.

[Shane]

That's right.

[Matt]

What happened? Why are you guys not playing Rain?

[Francis]

The rain.

[Shane]

He.

[Francis]

He's the one who canceled. I would have played in the rain.

[Matt]

You don't play in the rain.

[Shane]

Well, but there was lightning. There was lightning.

[Francis]

Is there lightning?

[Shane]

I mean, that's what the icon said.

[Francis]

If that's so then, then fair enough.

[Shane]

Yeah. Because then it's a walking course. So then you're kind of like out there and.

[Matt]

Have you ever been out there when they. When they blow the air horn?

[Francis]

Many times.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Matt]

It's the worst.

[Francis]

Many times.

[Matt]

Or when we. I used to play. I played golf in high school and when we had those. When we had matches and you heard the air horn, you were like, oh, thank God. Fuck out of here.

[Shane]

Really? Oh, you have to play in high school.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Because you'd be playing in the rain. Like, you don't want to be playing. So then when you hear. Waiting that whole time to hear the

[Francis]

air horn, I think he's more excited that you played in high school.

[Shane]

Yes. Because. Yeah, that was the sort of. That was the cheat code to be able to play for free.

[Matt]

Oh, yeah.

[Shane]

Yeah. And I just missed it, so it was like, why'd you miss it?

[Roan]

Oh, you didn't start playing.

[Shane]

Right.

[Matt]

It's like the. I say it all the time. It's. It's easily. Like, for at least where I went to school, it was the best sport that you could play. Like, it's the only sport in high school that you get out early for from school because the sun goes down in the fall, and it's like. I think it was like. It's like $200 a year. And then you play golf every single day on, like, the nicest courses in the area. Like, we were going to, like. Like, I'm from Massachusetts, so, like, we were going to, like, Cape Cod and playing in, like, these. Playing on these, like, insane courses in Cape Cod for free.

[Francis]

But that's because you grew up in Duxbury, the luxury.

[Matt]

Well, I mean, the kids from the other towns were playing the same courses, too.

[Francis]

I'll tell you what, the kids from Freeport High School were not playing because

[Matt]

you guys didn't have Cape Cod. You don't got Cape Cod up there.

[Francis]

Well, we had a couple nice courses, but they were playing Freeport Municipal, which

[Matt]

is where I go. But we have. We have a lot of courses, so the options are more.

[Francis]

Because of the wealth.

[Matt]

I don't know if it's because of the wealth or because there just happens to be more people that golf around there.

[Roan]

Did you have to pay. Did you guys have to. Like, who's paying for you to go to these nice courses? If it's only 200 a year, they subsidize it for the children, for the youth.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Courses tend to have programs where they allowed local high schools to use their course for their home course.

[Roan]

Really?

[Francis]

And in fact, I mean, it's crazy. Like, at Harvard, the country club was where the Harvard golf team played their home matches, which is one of the. It's a US Open venue. It's like, one of the fanciest places in the country.

[Matt]

Yeah. We played at the private course. And where I'm from, it's amazing.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

It was insane.

[Francis]

What was that called?

[Matt]

The OT Club.

[Francis]

The Yacht Club.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Francis]

See what I'm saying? Like, it's cool. It's like this weird outreach thing that. That fancy clubs do where they're like, yeah, we, you know, we got the local kids coming in.

[Roan]

Yeah, well, because it's probably. It's future. Future members.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Matt]

I mean, half people on the team were members anyway.

[Francis]

There you go.

[Matt]

Yeah. So that kind of always sucked. You'd go to tryouts and there'd be kids that just know the course completely, and you're like, I don't know what any of this looks like.

[Roan]

It would have been so nice to get you in the Internet Invitational.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Yeah, I. I think that. And I think that next year you'll get the look.

[Shane]

Okay.

[Roan]

I don't think anyone. You were on anyone's. People weren't thinking about it.

[Francis]

Yeah, you weren't.

[Roan]

Should be.

[Shane]

Well, I. I mean, I'd love to, but I also totally understand, you know, not having me. It's fine.

[Francis]

You don't post on social media. And if you started to post a little bit more of golf content, or if you and I went and made a video and people realized, one, you're very good, and two, you're hysterical, I think that's a good way in.

[Roan]

Yeah. What about being a golfing content creator for the rest of your life or something like that? That'd be sick.

[Shane]

It'd be incredible.

[Matt]

I mean, golf. So golf's your big thing? Golf's your main thing.

[Shane]

Well, I know. I do love it.

[Matt]

Yeah, you love it. How many times a week do you play recently?

[Shane]

You know, quite. Quite a bit.

[Matt]

Every day.

[Shane]

Pretty close.

[Matt]

Damn.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Matt]

So you're grinding.

[Francis]

He's wearing golf shoes.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Matt]

But I've done that before. To the most comfortable shoe in the world.

[Francis]

To, like, through the streets of New York, rained.

[Shane]

I'm going to wear, you know.

[Matt]

Yeah, you're going to be walking home in soggy shoes.

[Francis]

I'm not saying you can't. I'm just saying this is a man who lives the hobby. Like, imagine if, like, I was out on the street right now and I was like, how far away is that building? And just pulled out a range finder. I guess I have to walk 400 yards. You know, I just. Luckily, I'm with the it.

[Shane]

Yeah, I do wear them. Yeah.

[Francis]

I love it. I love it. Yeah. You've been playing a lot, dude. I mean, when you and I played. Because you and I played, what, a year or two ago? Two years ago, probably. And you shot high 80s, maybe something like That.

[Shane]

I don't know. I think that was. That was low 90s.

[Francis]

That was okay. And now you're breaking 80 routinely.

[Shane]

A decent amount. Sure.

[Francis]

What's your index down?

[Matt]

So you're. Are you scratching?

[Shane]

No, no, not even close. Seven, nine.

[Francis]

Yeah. That's fantastic. You're single digit. Heading towards single digit. 5, 4, like something like that.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Matt]

What were you at your last year?

[Francis]

When I was at my lowest, I was down to 2.4.

[Shane]

That's incredible.

[Francis]

But that was the case for like two weeks. And then it like it throws out certain scores.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Because I had two rounds of like, I had like a 72 and a 73.

[Matt]

Is that par or below or one

[Francis]

over 72 at Bayonne where we played. It's one over par, par 71. Yeah. But the course is rated pretty hard, so like, if you do well there, you. It's better for your handicap than say or brings you.

[Matt]

Oh, that's like. It's like weighted like that.

[Francis]

It's. Yeah, it's rated difficult.

[Matt]

Interesting. I never kept track of any of that shit. I never knew my handicap or anything, but I can't imagine it was very good.

[Francis]

I mean, dude, you said you used to shoot low 40s on nine hole matches, right?

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

But it was like it depended on the course, of course. Obviously. Like, if I played like our home course. Yeah. I could definitely shoot 40s.

[Francis]

I would bet that you were like somewhere between an 8 and a 10 maybe.

[Matt]

But the thing is I would play on like other courses and I would blow up.

[Francis]

Like, that's true.

[Matt]

In the hundreds.

[Francis]

Yeah. Oh. I mean, I shot 100 at Deepdale a couple weeks ago, literally on the number 100.

[Matt]

Our first tryout was embarrassing. The first tryout I ever did.

[Shane]

We.

[Matt]

They. It's. Obviously there's like a bunch of people that try out, so there's like a ton of tea time. So they have to start at like 5am because it's a public. It's a public course. The one that we were playing at the. The tryout is. Wasn't. Where the. Wasn't at the home course. It was like two towns over. And so you had to get up. You had to leave at like 4am to get there. And then I got there and I. The first time I tried out, I didn't make the team the first year. The first time I tried out, I shot a 118.

[Shane]

Damn.

[Francis]

Yeah, that's bad.

[Matt]

Just kept like every hole I would blow up.

[Shane]

Sure.

[Matt]

Yeah, it was. It was so brutal.

[Shane]

Did you cry?

[Matt]

No, I Didn't cry, but it was like, you're. You're close. Yeah, you can feel it. Yeah, yeah.

[Shane]

Like, mouth just. Yeah.

[Matt]

I also played, like, in. I played, like, in middle school, but, you know when you play, like, when you're first starting to play, like. Like, I was just talking to one of my friends. My. My friend Bo is getting into golf, and, like, he. He was like, yeah, I played. We played nine. Like, I shot, like, a 48. That's pretty good, right? And I've seen him swing the club. He can't hit the ball. And I'm like, yeah, but you didn't actually shoot a 48. Like, you think you shot a four. Like, you're not. Like. I feel like once you go from, like, playing by the rules to then actually playing by the rules, it adds, like, 15 strokes.

[Francis]

Yeah. 100.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Matt]

So it's like, I went into that tryout being like, I shoot in the 40s. Like, I'm fine.

[Francis]

Right?

[Matt]

And then it's like, oh, no more mulligans. No more free drops. Like, anything like that. And then it goes up to 118.

[Francis]

I mean, dude, beyond that, even I would. Like, 90% of the golf that I play now, as far as rounds go, is I end up playing match play with, like, my friends.

[Matt]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Francis]

So very often you'll be like, I'm out of the hole. And then the most you can take per your handicap is usually a double bogey. But that's not what I shot.

[Shane]

Right.

[Francis]

Because, you know, I would. If I had had to actually, like, take the proper drop and my partner, you know, and my score mattered, and I'd had to finish the whole whole ball and hole, like, maybe I would have made a nine.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Francis]

And that's, you know, that's where like, the handicap thing comes. Becomes a little inaccurate, is when you

[Matt]

guys play now, like, you obviously get paired up with people, like, randomly. Like, do you. Are there. Do you. Do people cheat? Like, the way, like, when I was. I've talked about this, too, but when I was in high school, like, everyone was cheating on both teams.

[Shane]

Well, it's something that. I mean, like, I don't think people. But nobody's getting their actual score.

[Matt]

Yeah, yeah, there's.

[Shane]

I mean, that would be your experience, too, right? It's everybody match play or just whatever they're shooting. It's rare to find somebody that actually counts, like, every B or.

[Francis]

Yeah, yeah.

[Shane]

Putts everything out, or.

[Matt]

I mean, we used to have, like. We used to have kids that would play in practice and we would do, like, only eight people can be in, like, the starting lineup. So they would. We would do practice, and it would essentially, like, base who was starting by how practice went. And you would have kids that would shoot, like, double par. And then they would come back from practice and they'd be like, yeah, I shot two under. And the coach would be like, wow, you're really improving. And then it's like, no. Like, what do you think happened between yesterday and today? He's like, no, he's lying.

[Francis]

You take the. Take the Limitless.

[Matt]

Yeah. And then they would go to the tournament and get smoked.

[Francis]

That's crazy that the coach wasn't out on the course to monitor people.

[Matt]

He is, but he can't monitor everyone.

[Francis]

Right, Right.

[Matt]

Because it's so spread out. But he would be, like, in a cart, and he'd, like, drive around.

[Francis]

Oh, something just happened right before you got here. I have a question for you guys, which is this. So I just walked into the Poke bowl place to get lunch, and as I was about to walk in, a girl was arriving just after me. So I opened the door and held it for her, and then we walked in. And then she got in line in front of me.

[Shane]

Yeah. It's insane.

[Francis]

I completely agree.

[Shane]

It's utterly insane.

[Francis]

I'm not seating my place in line to you. I'm being polite about the door. Once inside, you should relinquish my place

[Shane]

to me without question.

[Francis]

Good.

[Shane]

I don't know. Screamed.

[Matt]

Yeah, I agree.

[Francis]

I mean, I couldn't believe it. I was so not happy.

[Matt]

But then what's the right move there? Don't hold the door for her.

[Francis]

No.

[Matt]

Or hold the door in the way where you're still in front of her.

[Francis]

I think I open the door, and if I see she's not gonna give it back, I pick up the pace and go around.

[Matt]

Yeah, yeah.

[Francis]

But there's not much room between the door and the wall.

[Matt]

No, no. It's right when you walk.

[Francis]

So I would have had to be really aggressive. And knowing now that women are monsters, I will going forward. But the read. The, like, the logical extension to this for me is, like, there's nothing chivalrous or expected as far as chivalry. Like, if I were in line and she came behind me, I wouldn't be like, oh, please, go ahead.

[Matt]

No, never.

[Francis]

Which is what she almost effectively assumed. Right. That is, like, the extension of her thinking is that he's opening the door and allowing me to go in first, which means by extension, he is ceding his place in line. To me.

[Matt]

I mean, I don't really think. To be honest, I don't know if you have that place in line until you're in line.

[Shane]

Can you imagine how relaxing it would be to be that woman?

[Matt]

Oh, yeah. She doesn't give a.

[Shane]

Just never mind. Cut the line because none of this is going through.

[Matt]

She was probably pissed she had to wait in line at all. She probably walked in there and was like, I shouldn't even have to wait in line.

[Shane]

She wasn't anything.

[Francis]

There's no thoughts.

[Shane]

What's so nice about it?

[Francis]

The world is just open to her.

[Shane]

Get this.

[Matt]

What would you guys say? Same. Same kind of question for an elevator. If you're on an elevator and there's a lady on the elevator and you get off the elevator, does the lady have to go first?

[Francis]

Yes, but that's totally. Again, that's just the same as the door.

[Matt]

That's opening the door. Okay, so now let me give you a more specific scenario. You get into an elevator and there's a guy and a girl in the elevator, most likely together in this scenario. And you there in the back. They're taking up the back two corners. You get in, you stand in right in front of the door.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Matt]

You land and then you get out. You're just getting out of the way.

[Francis]

If it gets crowded and it's logistically difficult or it gets awkward from an exit standpoint to see the elevator exit to the woman or whatever. Yeah, go ahead. Obviously, I don't think anyone would argue with that. I've been in it, but packed, elegant.

[Matt]

I got into it where there's some

[Francis]

older woman in the back, and I'm not going to be like, everyone out of the fucking way.

[Shane]

She's going wall.

[Matt]

Then me crawls out.

[Francis]

But if it's a couple, I'm still. I'm giving. I'm. I want any. Everyone to get out of the elevator before me.

[Matt]

Okay. So I had a situation at the office here where that exact thing happened. And then when I got out, she said, so much for ladies first.

[Francis]

So your response to that should have been, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were a.

[Matt]

I didn't say anything. I just kept walking.

[Francis]

I was so uncomfortable because that will really piss them off as the doors close.

[Matt]

But it's like I, like. I hold the door for people all the time. But like, in elevator.

[Francis]

I've done that before.

[Shane]

It's. That's wonderful.

[Francis]

I had that one time I landed it. I stuck the landing.

[Shane]

Wow.

[Francis]

Because she also was very androgynous. Looking.

[Shane]

Well, okay.

[Francis]

But I did know. I knew she was a woman because she was like, I guess she was like, I guess chivalry's dead. Similar thing.

[Matt]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Francis]

And I was like, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were a woman.

[Matt]

I didn't say anything. I was like, what the fuck? I was like, the door opens itself. No one's holding the door for anybody. It's an automatic door.

[Francis]

This is a very old fashioned gallant.

[Matt]

But this wasn't an old fashioned lady. It was a modern. A lady of the times.

[Francis]

But she clearly expects it. So she is subscribing to an age old practice.

[Matt]

You good?

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Francis]

That is not.

[Roan]

No, it's my surgery. I'm getting surgery on my knee tomorrow.

[Matt]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Roan]

I got a break. I got. I've been rocking a brace. I've been rocking pants all summer. Usually I'm not averse to shorts, but I've been rocking pants all summer to hide my shame.

[Matt]

Alrighty, guys, let's talk about Shady Rays. Quick question. How are my Shady Rays? Basically the same quality as the $200 sunglasses I used to buy?

[Roan]

Are you exaggerating?

[Matt]

I'm not exaggerating. They feel every bit as premium as the expensive brands I've owned. Meanwhile, I'm wearing Shady Race to the lake on the boat, at the game and on the job site.

[Roan]

I just got tickets to a baseball game and I wanted to get some primo sunglasses because I'm going to be in the sun. And I said, why not some Shady Rays?

[Matt]

Why not?

[Roan]

They'll be polarized. I remember when we were fishing, we were like, hey, we need to get these, these, we need to see these fish.

[Matt]

You wanted to cut glare hard and that's what. And you wanted super clear optics.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Matt]

And durable frames with solid hinges.

[Roan]

So. Well. And that's why I went to shadyrays.com grabbed a pair and I got sunglasses with lost and broken protection.

[Matt]

You can go to shadyrays.com, grab a pair and get. Oh, and yep. What Roan said. We've also, we've teamed up with Shady Rays to bring you an exclusive offer. Head to shadyrays.com and use code dad for 50% off. Two or more polarized sunglasses. That's code dad for 50% off. Try for yourself. The shades rated five stars by over 300,000 people in the past few weeks.

[Roan]

When I have been kind of laid up with my knee messed up, my routine has definitely taken a bit of a hit. But luckily I'm getting back on track. With Factor because Factor is making chef crafted dietitian designed ready to eat meals that you don't have to choose between, where you don't have to choose between real food and convenience. Because they have the real food and they have a convenience. And let's be honest, it's going to taste fantastic. I'm talking about shredded pork, salmon burgers, collard green nutrient dense foods on a menu that you can choose from with plenty of new options and add ons like pumpkin flavored cheesecakes and protein shakes. Wow. 97 of users realize that Factor meals will help them live a healthier life. So you can feel confident that you're doing something for yourself. And that's why I love Factor. It's easy to use, great for the body, and it tastes fantastic. So let's eat real. Head to FactorMeals.com/sun50off and use code SUN50OFF to get 50 off and one free breakfast item per box for one year while supplies last until October 31, 2026. That's code SUN50OFF at FactorMeals.com [e-mail]. see website for more details. It's been fine. I've been able to walk on it, but I just gotta get surgery. But they were just on the phone, they were like. And like, would you like to see a chaplain before the, the. Oh my procedure. God, what does that mean?

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Roan]

What the are you talking?

[Francis]

I've never heard.

[Matt]

They think you're gonna die.

[Roan]

It's a multi faith. And I was like, but is this like a last rights thing? Yeah, like what are you talking about? They're like, some people get communion. Like, no, no, it's not last rights. But I was like, why? That would make me so much more nervous. Like some priest coming in and blessing me before.

[Francis]

Okay, next question. Is your will in order?

[Roan]

Yeah, yeah. What do you have next?

[Matt]

Things don't usually go wrong on the knee surgery, but they have.

[Roan]

Yeah, yeah.

[Matt]

People have died.

[Roan]

How did Kanye's mom go? Because I feel like it was some like that knee surgery. It wasn't. Maybe not knee, but was she maybe BBL or something like that?

[Matt]

No, I think it was something like that.

[Francis]

Wait.

[Matt]

Actually. Yeah.

[Roan]

Damn disrespectful.

[Francis]

I shouldn't allow.

[Matt]

His mom died in like an insane way.

[Roan]

Just like a standard, a standard procedure and that's what freaks me out about it.

[Matt]

Plastic surgery.

[Francis]

Oh, fair enough.

[Matt]

You think that's a first? Yeah. Do you think people die during plastic surgery?

[Francis]

I'm sure that's happened, yeah.

[Matt]

That's insane, bro. Imagine.

[Roan]

Imagine getting a full body, getting a

[Matt]

new ass and dying.

[Roan]

My wife's friend was over the other night talking about this doctor she knows that does a thousand body makeover surgeries a year. A thousand a year? A thousand bodies a day. And it's like he has, like a signature body that he puts out. And you could, like, spot his body in the wild and be like, oh, that's the body that this guy makes.

[Matt]

Wait, so what does that even mean? What is that? You just get everything.

[Roan]

Everything.

[Matt]

Tits, ass, Tony tuck, your whole body.

[Roan]

They just, like rip your skin around your skeleton in a certain way.

[Matt]

What if you're a dude? Can dudes get that? Like, can I get that? Could I get a full body repair?

[Francis]

You should.

[Matt]

What would they do?

[Francis]

What?

[Matt]

What would they do, though?

[Francis]

Abs, calves, implants. They would probably.

[Roan]

You could pick. You honestly could probably pick and choose a la carte for guys.

[Francis]

Tummy tuck, probably, like pump your. Whatever that make you skinnier.

[Matt]

Liposuctions skinnier. They'd lipo trying to get bigger, not skinnier.

[Francis]

And then they would do maybe tricep implants, bicep implants. A lot with your face. There'd be a lot.

[Matt]

Yeah, they'd go to town.

[Roan]

Chin, cheekbo.

[Matt]

You're looking like blackface. After they're done with the sharpie.

[Francis]

Multiple sharpies for sure.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Shane]

That's the worst, though, when you know something's wrong.

[Roan]

I know, dude.

[Shane]

I like story. Go ahead.

[Roan]

No, no, it was terrible. Yeah.

[Shane]

Yeah. I told it on, like, Matt and chains at some point, but I. Because I tore my hammy playing kickball. Adult league kickball.

[Roan]

Oh, I don't think I knew that.

[Shane]

Yeah, it was

[Francis]

tore it.

[Shane]

Tore it, but not to where it needed sur. But I had to work. I had to wear. I had to use crutches.

[Francis]

Wow.

[Shane]

Yeah. And the way it happened was, like, we had actually moved back from New York. I lived here for like a year and a half and then joined a adult league, kickball. And was just part of, like, the

[Roan]

group that was like, team building for. To make friends and stuff.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Nice.

[Shane]

And then the first time we played, everybody was wearing cleats. So then I got cleats for the second time. And I guess, you know, I just, like, hadn't been used to wearing cleats. And so I kind of hit one to third and then tried to take a big step and then just went straight down and just like.

[Matt]

You feel it.

[Shane]

Oh, my God. Immediately it was just like, something is so wrong and irreversible and this is going to take me out for a while. It was just worst.

[Roan]

Was it really painful? Was it, like a. A crying situation?

[Shane]

It didn't cry, but it. I. I could have cried. I sucked it up. There's a couple hotties on my teams. Just, like, lift it over to the car. Cr Was there.

[Matt]

Did you try to get. Get back in?

[Shane]

No, no, it was no good. Back in. At the time, I was at Drexel. I was finishing up, so I wasn't. It was. It was pre New York then. But anyway, I was in Drexel, and I was in a modern dance class because I needed two credits, and I remember just. She wouldn't let me not participate, so I would just, like, stand on the crutches and have to just like. That's crazy.

[Matt]

Modern dance?

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

On crutches?

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Just, like, do something.

[Roan]

Is that in a pair or, like, a grouped choreography?

[Shane]

It. Well, it was a class, so it was just a matter of, like.

[Roan]

Oh, it's just you doing, like, a recital.

[Shane]

No, no, it was a class, so everybody was, like, taught a move.

[Roan]

Oh, got it.

[Francis]

Was it a class or was it, like, an individual tutorial?

[Shane]

It was a class.

[Francis]

Oh, okay.

[Shane]

Why am I. Why am I, like. Did you, like.

[Matt]

Were you paired with someone else to dance, or was it all. Okay, so, like, did someone have to get paired up with you while you were on crutches?

[Francis]

That's the question.

[Shane]

Oh, that's the question. Understood. No, there was no pairing.

[Roan]

It was a class.

[Shane]

Yes, it was about.

[Francis]

Got it.

[Shane]

What is,

[Roan]

like, a plane crash?

[Francis]

How many aboard in this class?

[Matt]

So did you. Did you, like, learn anything cool from the modern dance or. It was.

[Shane]

No.

[Matt]

All that you could have just learned from watching Dancing with the Stars and whatnot. Shake it up.

[Shane]

I don't think I learned anything.

[Matt]

You guys don't even know Shake it Up.

[Roan]

I don't think I do.

[Matt]

No.

[Roan]

Was that a movie?

[Matt]

No, it was like a dancing show on Disney Channel with Zendaya.

[Shane]

Yeah. I don't think I knew.

[Roan]

That was like, a reality show.

[Matt]

No.

[Roan]

Oh, damn.

[Matt]

It was awful. Terrible.

[Roan]

Can't be good.

[Shane]

I went through a dancing phase recently that Shane hated, obviously. And then I went on a date with a woman who had been professionally trained as a dancer at nyu, and I had been working on this one dance. The was. It was from the remake of Footloose. This is like a line dance.

[Francis]

I loved that remake of Footloose so many times.

[Shane]

Really?

[Francis]

I'm not making this up. Please keep going. We'll talk about it.

[Shane]

Okay. We'll have to. Because I, I, I've just. The, the one scene where they're line dancing is the one that I. Yeah. And so I was telling her about it, obviously, on the date, and she was like, let me see it. And then I was like, absolutely not. But then, you know, we had some drinks. So I did it, and she was like, do it again. And then I did it again. She was like, you're not moving your upper body at all. It's like, you're too tight. It looks kind of like Irish. So then the next day, I, like, videotape myself doing it. I have not danced. It's. It so bad. It's not what I thought. Like, I'm, I'm. I'm anticipating every step, and it's like a computer, just like binary movements. There's no, like, you have a very, like, natural.

[Roan]

That is not that you're. You don't know me.

[Shane]

I do.

[Roan]

No, you don't know. But if that's what you think, there's no way. I have a terrible. My body's a prison as well.

[Shane]

You're not good at basketball.

[Roan]

No, not at all. And I can't, like, operate the. I can't operate. Yeah. Francis is.

[Matt]

France is the only one that's good at.

[Roan]

Me and sass are in the same boat.

[Shane]

Really.

[Matt]

Zero coordination, lack of movement.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Is that right?

[Roan]

It's like I don't have the controls to my vessel.

[Matt]

No. I believe that if I start running downhill.

[Shane]

Okay.

[Matt]

I'm in no control of my body.

[Francis]

It is hard to believe with him because he's cool.

[Shane]

Right.

[Francis]

And I think it's easy to assume that someone who's cool moves well and is, like, you know, good dancer, athletic. He's a battle rap champion. But black people are all good at dancing.

[Matt]

The thing is, with Roan, I get

[Francis]

how you got there.

[Matt]

A lot of people don't. Don't know with Roan because he, he, like, goes out of his way to not have to do anything. Like, athletic on camera.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Matt]

He refuses athleticism so that he's not exposed for his lack of coordination.

[Roan]

I mean, I've done athletic things on camera. I've played basketball on camera plenty of times. It's an embarrassment.

[Matt]

But you're. But you're playing it in, like, a cool way.

[Roan]

No, I'm not.

[Matt]

We never see how. You never see him at full sprint.

[Francis]

It's like, it's like, check out this half court hook shot.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Francis]

He's like, well, nobody's gonna make that

[Roan]

but look at this, though. Like, look what happens if I tried to move at full speed. My body would like.

[Matt]

Yeah, it shuts down, actually.

[Shane]

So that's. But it's because your age, so you're probably moving quick. I don't think I can move quick enough to actually pop any.

[Matt]

Well, you broke your. You popped your hamstring.

[Shane]

That's true, but that was a while ago.

[Matt]

Yeah, true. That was a while ago.

[Francis]

Back when he could move. I love that you specified too, that it was an adult handball league.

[Shane]

Kickball. Kickball.

[Francis]

Kickball, Right. As if we thought like, oh, is it the one that crosses over with the kindergarten?

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Is that the child. It's not the child's adult combo team.

[Shane]

Yeah, fair enough.

[Francis]

But it's also like, the only sport for which you had to specify. One would have to specify that no kids are allowed.

[Shane]

Right? Yeah, it's a kid sport.

[Francis]

Yeah. It's typically a kid's sport.

[Matt]

That's got to be a brutal way. Like, I played. I was in like a softball league for like a 1:1 fall, like a couple years ago, and my buddy Derek Drescher, he.

[Roan]

He.

[Matt]

We went out to Randall's island at like 8am for this game, and in the first inning he was like, he's obsessed with it. And the first inning, he, like, his groin just exploded.

[Roan]

Oh, what?

[Matt]

Yeah. What same that happened to you?

[Roan]

His groin popped.

[Shane]

Oh, you got a hernia.

[Matt]

Like something happened. Something. Something tore.

[Roan]

Where even is the groin? Is that the groin?

[Matt]

Yeah, yeah, it's the inside of the thigh.

[Francis]

It's the shoot to the penis.

[Roan]

Yeah. Because I always knew it from wrestling when they'd be like. Like he hit him in the groin. Like it's a groin shot. When it was obviously they couldn't say penis on air.

[Shane]

Sure.

[Roan]

But then like. Like pros would get their groin injured and I still don't know exactly.

[Francis]

Yeah, it's this muscle in here on the inside of the legs.

[Roan]

Got it. How do you work it? Is it this guy?

[Francis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You would use that. That, like, grip strengthening device, the big one.

[Roan]

I can't do that.

[Francis]

Yeah, that's just for girls.

[Roan]

That's for the ladies in the gym.

[Matt]

It's workout.

[Roan]

That's why you think. Whatever you say. A girl doing it. Yeah.

[Matt]

That's working out her workout.

[Francis]

She's. No shaming it. Yeah, she's tightening.

[Roan]

I mean, that is what people are thinking it like deep down in their brain, rejuvenating that. That they're. They're rejuvenating.

[Shane]

Yeah, yeah.

[Matt]

It's a little rejuvenating.

[Francis]

Become a little undone down there.

[Matt]

Yeah, yeah. That's like. Sometimes you got to hop in the gym and just tighten up.

[Roan]

Just sew it. Yeah, sew it shut. This. That's. This isn't that kind of podcast, though. We don't talk.

[Shane]

I'm happy to go ahead.

[Roan]

We just don't talk about that kind of stuff. We're not really a vagina talk podcast.

[Matt]

We don't get into that nasty.

[Francis]

We respect vaginas, of course.

[Shane]

Who doesn't?

[Roan]

We have like a 60% female listenership. Is that right? Yeah.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Roan]

It's more than you would think, though.

[Francis]

Let's put it this way. 60% of our female listenership has loose vaginas. Yes, exactly. That's why we have to stay away from the topic.

[Shane]

Wonderful.

[Francis]

That can't.

[Roan]

That can't truly be true. Yeah, I. Playing children's games, like that is it. You want to keep on holding on to it. I biked past a. A soccer field today, and I was like, I'm. I would love for another. A phase of my life to include playing soccer with people. But then my first thought, I was like, I need to get in, like, the lowest girls league or like the lowest co ed league, you know, where it's just like, girls who are just trying it for the first time. But I want to be part of something like that.

[Francis]

I play in a children's soccer league.

[Roan]

I want to get in the children's league. Like, that sounds fun. I pass guys doing it every day. But then right after college, we did dodgeball, and I, like, threw the dodgeball so hard that my shoulder just popped out of its socket.

[Matt]

Oh, my God.

[Roan]

And I, like, put it back in. And I. Twice more that same game.

[Shane]

Put it back in.

[Roan]

The same shoulder came out of the socket.

[Shane]

Yeah, that's cool.

[Roan]

Twice more in the same game. Like, honestly, the way it was dangling, I could, like, kind of like roll it like this and it would like, like ratchet back.

[Matt]

Yeah. Like, falls back into place.

[Shane]

Like, slam yourself into.

[Roan]

So I was like, oh, it's not that bad. It's back in. And twice more of that game has popped out. And I was just like, since then, my shoulders popped out. Like, since then it's been a wrap just from trying to do some team building.

[Matt]

How are you going to teach the boys how to throw?

[Shane]

Go.

[Roan]

It's gonna have to be. I. I might hear Tommy, you'll have to get a coach.

[Francis]

He's gonna throw this left hand. And their sons. The sons Are gonna be like, dad's

[Shane]

gay dodgeball is a team building.

[Roan]

It was. I mean, it's. Any sport you play with girls is like, it's not just for the athleticism and the win. It's, like, partially team building, I think, with girls.

[Francis]

Isn't it usually, like a dating thing when you do those, like, co ed leagues?

[Matt]

It's just fucking.

[Shane]

That was. That was my goal.

[Francis]

Yeah, but you.

[Matt]

You tore everyone's heart.

[Shane]

Yes.

[Matt]

Yeah. Tearing something is the quickest way to. Not with some new girls.

[Francis]

I just love. I love the image of you having a icebreaker conversation with a woman. Like, is this the first time you've done one of these? Yeah, me too. Anyway, I'm up next. I'll see you. I'll see you after. Good luck. Your leg explodes.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Did you go down?

[Shane]

Oh, it's straight down. Yeah. It was like a James Brown against my will, sort of.

[Matt]

Was it like a thing where, like, both teams came out?

[Shane]

Like, were people thinking it was. Yeah, there was, like, general concern.

[Matt]

Did people clap when you got up?

[Shane]

No, I don't recall the clapping. I was just utterly humiliated.

[Roan]

There's probably no audience. There's probably.

[Matt]

No, there's like when we. When I played hockey, like, when someone got up, everyone would, like, smack their sticks on the ice.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

I didn't know if they did something. Maybe they all bounced

[Shane]

their feet. But the. The first time, the. The. Before the cleats, I rem. Was playing first and I didn't have my foot on the bag because it was, like, you know, terrifying that somebody's, like, running at me full speed. And there was this attractive woman on the other team and she ran first and then got there and was like, his foot wasn't on the bag. And I was like, what? So that's it?

[Matt]

Yeah. You didn't want to make her uncomfortable.

[Shane]

Yeah. That was the end of that.

[Roan]

You'd be a perv. Yeah. That be like, yeah, no, I didn't

[Francis]

want to get my ankle run over by some big.

[Roan]

Don't they.

[Francis]

She was pretty. You said, yeah, right.

[Shane]

Because I said, oh, that's noticing the team.

[Francis]

And I was like, did you have something planned with her? Like, would you have said something to her?

[Shane]

Should have kept on trying to tell everybody's mingling afterwards.

[Francis]

Do you think getting her out would have behooved your chances more than not having?

[Shane]

It was solely because I'm like, this is adultly kickball. Like, why are we even risking it? High probability, low probability, high impact event.

[Francis]

Like, well, because women still are Attracted to men that are, you know, athletic and.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Francis]

You know, proficient. Right.

[Shane]

I didn't know that at that point.

[Roan]

But in softball they have the double wide base now. Like, they have a base for you to stand on and a base for the runner.

[Shane]

Pioneer.

[Roan]

Yeah. You were honestly, like, you just needed that double wide base and you would have been fine. You'd probably be married to this woman.

[Matt]

Yeah. I mean, I don't know. Like, what are you supposed to do? Like, what are you gonna like? It's not like you're gonna like, grab the ball and then be like standing at first ready to lay her out when she gets there.

[Shane]

Well, but if you catch it with your foot on the bag, then she's out automatically.

[Matt]

You should have. What if she tried to steal? Do you think you would have tried to get better?

[Shane]

Of course. Yeah, of course.

[Francis]

Would you have beamed her?

[Shane]

Would I have beamed her?

[Francis]

Beaning is a way to get people out in kickball.

[Shane]

Right. I. I suppose I would have attempted to be.

[Francis]

Or would you have thrown it to second to try to get her out that way?

[Shane]

I think I. I would have thrown it at her.

[Roan]

Yeah. Right.

[Shane]

Yeah. Cuz.

[Francis]

Cuz. Why?

[Matt]

What if you hit her in the butt?

[Shane]

I'm just going off of. You never know how you're going to react and say, I don't know. I just, I, you know.

[Matt]

Yeah. What if you hit her?

[Shane]

I can't throw a missile. Yeah.

[Matt]

What the was that? That hurt. And then you're like, I'm sorry, I don't know what happened.

[Roan]

But you have to throw it hard enough that's gonna get her game. Yeah. Two handed. Like, are you chest passing it? You have to throw it the way that'll risk your shoulder.

[Shane]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Matt]

Coed sports are just too uncomfortable.

[Shane]

That's. Yeah, I feel like I do find it uncomfortable, but I think it's also because the only, like software running on my brain while it's going on is like, like, who can I date?

[Roan]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Francis]

That's tricky. It is a balancing act because you want to compete well, but you also want to flirt and.

[Shane]

Yeah, right. And appear.

[Francis]

I think a lot of the women that sign up for those things are like fierce competitors.

[Roan]

Yes.

[Francis]

Has been my experience when I've done like, I did a co ed soccer league once and it was like, yeah, stay out of the women's way.

[Matt]

Way.

[Roan]

You know, I mean, soccer is a high tea space.

[Francis]

They're not here to meet us, they're here to meet each other.

[Shane]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Francis]

They're here to like, find fellow Survivors.

[Roan]

Your coach did that too. And like, yeah, like, there's videos of these, of the women soccer players. Have you ever seen, like, the violent ones, like, solo? I mean, she's a classic. She beat up her husband. But, like, there's the girls that, like, yank each other's hair to the ground and, like, out of each other.

[Shane]

Animals.

[Roan]

They're high t animals, bro. You do not want to with them, dude.

[Matt]

They're way scarier than, like, a scary dude.

[Francis]

Stephen, I was listening to you on Matt and Shane's and I know that you're a huge fan of. Of Cunningus.

[Shane]

Oh, okay. Sure.

[Roan]

But this isn't that kind of pod.

[Matt]

Yeah, we don't talk.

[Roan]

Oh.

[Francis]

But yeah, don't. So don't bring that up.

[Shane]

No, but the. The only reticence I have is that that is like a season three sort of of season three of tires coming out October or August 13th.

[Francis]

Okay.

[Matt]

That's in it. You're doing connilingus in season three.

[Shane]

There's a talk about it. There's talk about. Yeah.

[Francis]

I don't think we would have buried the lead if you hadn't said that.

[Shane]

Anyway.

[Francis]

That wouldn't have been a spoiler until. Because you talked about it on Matt and Shane's.

[Shane]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Francis]

With the pillow.

[Shane]

Right, right, the pillow. Oh, sure. Yeah.

[Francis]

What was the pillow again?

[Shane]

For my knees.

[Francis]

It's for your knees.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Francis]

I see. Not to lift her pillow.

[Matt]

One of those, like, gardening mats.

[Shane]

What's that?

[Matt]

Like the gardening mats that, like, people use.

[Shane]

It was just run of the mill pillow, you know, just for knee comfort.

[Matt]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Francis]

A lot of these women, they don't have. They have hardwood floors.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Francis]

So it gets uncomfortable. And he. If you're down there for a while.

[Matt]

Yeah, I could see that. I can see that for sure.

[Shane]

Am I the only one you. Dude, you're not.

[Francis]

Oh, no. I just don't tend to talk about it too much.

[Roan]

Francis is like, he likes to lay flat on his belly with his knees up.

[Shane]

Yeah, got it.

[Matt]

His knees are never touching the ground.

[Roan]

Like he's reading a good book. Like he's reading poetry.

[Matt]

Yeah. The only thing that's touching the ground would be his, like, upper thigh.

[Francis]

Actually, what I do is I usually I'm. Yeah. I'm flat on my belly and then I hold my ankles behind me in a scorpion position so that I don't touch the ground down.

[Shane]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Roan]

Or if a pure airplane will get it done too.

[Francis]

A little ab workout while I chow box.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Is a standard variety pillow, too. Too narrow. For your knees. Do you have to have your knees touching one another or is it a longer pillow?

[Shane]

What Standard variety.

[Roan]

And your knees are a little bit closer.

[Shane]

It's just on the ground.

[Roan]

But I'm just thinking like, do we have like a standard pillow anywhere?

[Matt]

I don't think so. No.

[Roan]

I feel like pillows like a regular pillows like this wide, which is like just.

[Francis]

That's like a camping pillow. That's a camping pillow. That's too small.

[Roan]

All right, so. Oh, oh, oh. A head pillow. I'm thinking of a couch pillow. A throw pillow.

[Shane]

Right, right.

[Roan]

I was thinking of a throw pillow.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Okay. Throw pillow. You have to kind of have your knees together.

[Francis]

Your knees would be together.

[Roan]

Right. But on a regular size that you

[Matt]

just showed was the size of a napkin.

[Roan]

I'm saying a throat.

[Matt]

You're like a standard pillows about this.

[Roan]

A throw pillow is not this big.

[Francis]

No, he's right. That's a throw pillow pillow.

[Roan]

How big would you say? Like it's like this.

[Shane]

I mean, throws come in all different sizes.

[Matt]

Yeah, that's the throw.

[Francis]

They sure do.

[Shane]

Which is part of the.

[Francis]

You want and you want them. Yeah, they're all the same.

[Roan]

It's like small ones on the inside.

[Matt]

I got a new cat. I got a cow. Well, I got a couch finally this weekend and it actually it came with two throw pillows. How nice is that?

[Shane]

Very nice. A little treat.

[Francis]

Yeah, the couch came with two throw pillows.

[Matt]

It came with two threads.

[Roan]

I think that's standard. I think most couches come with throw.

[Matt]

Well, when I got my Amazon classic a couple years ago, that came with just the couch.

[Roan]

Got an Amazon classic.

[Matt]

It's a great couch. Beauty of a. Beauty of a couch. But this time I went wayfair. Very nice. Very convenient.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Two pieces. It came in.

[Roan]

You're gonna want more throw pillows. Honestly.

[Francis]

Season three of Tires is coming out. When is it coming out?

[Shane]

August 13th.

[Francis]

Lovely. I am not in this season.

[Shane]

Unfortunately not.

[Francis]

Yeah, that's okay. You guys have been very generous to me over the years. I'm thrilled to been in seasons one and two.

[Shane]

I mean, you're so good in it. And I'm sure you'll be back.

[Francis]

I have. I'm not going to hold you to that.

[Shane]

Well, I mean, I.

[Matt]

You just confirmed it. You said.

[Shane]

No, no, no.

[Matt]

You're coming back.

[Roan]

Aren't you listed as a creator of the show?

[Shane]

That's right.

[Matt]

You're the face.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Roan]

So you could easily save.

[Shane]

No, no.

[Matt]

Who made the call? Was it you or Shane?

[Roan]

Well, you created the show.

[Shane]

There was no. No Francis decision ever made. It was just a matter of the story.

[Francis]

The story. I didn't fit in. I think originally John told me originally that I was.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Shane]

It's so hard.

[Francis]

I do. I get it. I'm not. Again. You don't hear me.

[Shane]

I know, I know, I know.

[Matt]

But you should know me and Roan are furious.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Understandably.

[Roan]

He was like, you're gonna need to fight this battle for me, boys.

[Shane]

Find out why is so much fun. And you know, I. Very biased. Just my opinion. I know he wouldn't want me, but, like, Shane is lights out.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Shane]

He's so good. Love that.

[Matt]

I can't wait to watch.

[Shane]

Everybody's great, dude. Everybody's great.

[Francis]

You're really good.

[Shane]

Yeah. No, no, no.

[Francis]

The number of people who talk to me and say, that guy. Nobody knows your real name.

[Shane]

Oh, that's great.

[Francis]

A shout out to how your humility. But like, when they all know you by your character's name. The guy who plays Will, the guy who runs the place. That guy's so funny. Everybody says that to me.

[Shane]

That's incredible. Incredibly sweet.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Did you ever talk about why your name wouldn't work for your character?

[Shane]

Yeah. Well, I just wanted separation.

[Roan]

Got it.

[Shane]

And then it's fair. Yeah.

[Roan]

But Shane is. Shane.

[Shane]

Yeah, because I. We talked about that. But yeah, it was like Sean. And he was like, just call me Shane.

[Roan]

Oh, got it, got it, got it.

[Francis]

And I was almost surprised you guys didn't name me Francis.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Because in his sketches, he often will have me.

[Shane]

You are. Your character is very based off of a real life.

[Francis]

Yeah. Oh, someone else or me?

[Shane]

No, someone else.

[Francis]

Oh, really?

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, I had no idea.

[Shane]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Francis]

That's awesome.

[Shane]

There's a real guy. There was a guy that worked for my dad that was like, oh, you

[Francis]

did tell me this. You did tell me this. Okay.

[Shane]

But just was an incredible salesman, had a horrific cocaine problem and was just into any. Always doing something.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

And getting fired and coming back robbed them at one point. Yeah. But, dude, my dad is one of my favorite stories. My dad was. He was so. My dad's Jewish. My mom's also Jewish, but she converted. But what's. To what From Catholicism to Judaism.

[Roan]

Oh, really?

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Oh, wow.

[Shane]

But back when it was like 79 or 80, he had his first shopping King of Prussia, and he was interviewing this guy and he's, you know, ask him, like, why'd you leave your last job? And the guy goes, did you ever work for a Jew? And My dad's sitting there and everybody's listening to it. So then, you know my. I asked for that. He said, what'd you do? He goes, oh, I hired him. He's great. He worked for me for eight years. Really good tech. Just like, he doesn't have any, so. And I think that's just a facet of the business. People come and go.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Did your dad ever let him know?

[Shane]

Oh, I'm sure everybody did. Yeah.

[Matt]

Yeah. What a way to lead an interview.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Francis]

That's amazing. What a bold thing to say.

[Matt]

He must have.

[Francis]

You're all anti Semitic, right? Anyway. Yeah.

[Roan]

When you assume everybody thinks the same thing as you, it is. It's so. It's like, so cocky to be racist. To just be like, everyone. Everyone is too. We all. We all hate.

[Matt]

I mean, he must have been so confident that your dad was not, like, not even. Was he not Jewish. He must have been confident that your dad hated Jews.

[Roan]

Right.

[Matt]

And he was just wrong on everything.

[Shane]

Yeah. He doesn't have. My dad does not have a very Jewish attitude. Affect at all. Oh, yeah.

[Francis]

Are you Jewish?

[Shane]

Jewish? No.

[Roan]

Undercover Jew.

[Shane]

I was.

[Matt]

What's it, 50%?

[Shane]

Well, I mean, I was bar mitzvahed, but.

[Matt]

So you're full on Jewish.

[Shane]

Yeah, but I don't, you know, not practicing.

[Matt]

Yeah, my dad's Jewish. My mom's not, though. I'm not. I didn't, like, grow up Jewish.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Francis]

I didn't know this dude because if I had, I'll be honest. I'm glad I'm not in season three because I wouldn't want to work for.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Sounds like a nightmare.

[Francis]

Yeah. You ever work? You ever work for it?

[Roan]

We should have a bar mitzvah for you. I don't think it's too late.

[Matt]

I think.

[Shane]

There you go. That's fun.

[Roan]

Party. A really nice party. What do people spend on and go ahead.

[Shane]

Sorry. No, no, you, like. You could have a competition when he's reading the half Torah, like.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Shane]

If you laugh, you have to leave.

[Matt]

Oh, yeah.

[Shane]

The room. That's actually Matt McCusker, man. This is like back in the day, he. I don't know if I should, but he had this concept of, like, you would go into a, you know, like a conference room.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Shane]

And it would just be a bunch of white guys working on their Asian accents and that. If anybody laughed, you were kicked out. Brilliant. That's hilarious. Having, like, have your friends listen to you.

[Roan]

Yeah. If they have to. If they giggle at the baruch. I don't know.

[Shane]

Yes. The Last time we ever lit candles is a family. My friend Dhruv, he was from India, was over and he had never heard. So we light the candles. Then we start like bar. And he sort of wheeze laughing and like felt so bad. He felt so bad. He was crying, trying to apologize. And we all just chanted through it.

[Roan]

India.

[Shane]

Yeah. That was the end of it. We were all so humiliated.

[Matt]

That's so funny.

[Shane]

We were humiliated. Yeah. And again. Cuz he felt so bad. Wow. He could not.

[Roan]

And you were like, I'm done doing this. I'm not doing this anymore.

[Francis]

It's not that funny. I've heard it many times. I don't find it funny.

[Roan]

It's like a little raw though. You don't have any music or backing tracks. No one gives you your key. You just have to jump in.

[Shane]

People that you're used to talking to normally all of a sudden just chanting together in a room. Definitely fun.

[Matt]

Definitely laugh.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Roan]

And at a bar mitzvah, you're doing like 20 pages.

[Matt]

Yeah. It's a lot.

[Roan]

You're just singing like, those are long. That's so much to memorize. You can't read it.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Roan]

How much did you spend? You don't have the answer, but how much was your bar mitzvah ballpark? If you're comfortable saying, like what I raked in. No. Or both. Both.

[Francis]

How much did.

[Roan]

How much did your family spend and how much did you rake?

[Shane]

We. I don't know how much was spent. I think I got like three grand for. For it. And then that was kept in an account.

[Francis]

Not very good.

[Matt]

I feel like people are usually walking away with that. They're like, I made a million dollars.

[Shane]

Yeah. My dad was not like, you know, my dad was the highest society of the people that were.

[Matt]

You got confirmation money.

[Shane]

Oh, okay.

[Roan]

Yeah. That's confirmation Catholic.

[Shane]

But it was put in a savings account. And then later my dog Scooby needed surgery. Then it was used for that.

[Francis]

Oh, okay.

[Shane]

And my brother's too was combined then.

[Francis]

Do you used two Jews savings accounts to fix one dog?

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Francis]

How long did it live after that?

[Shane]

She did live for like four or five years. Yeah.

[Francis]

It's worth it.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Wow.

[Roan]

Worth it.

[Shane]

What was the decision? That was kind of. I forget exactly how that conversation.

[Roan]

Was it forced on you?

[Shane]

It wasn't for. I mean, we would have. He was like, we'll pay it back.

[Matt]

Did he?

[Shane]

No. But yes. But, you know. Yes. In so many other ways. Yeah.

[Roan]

But not with cash.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Francis]

What kind of surgery did the dog need?

[Shane]

She had tumors she removed.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Francis]

That's a very noble application of the money.

[Shane]

Well, I mean, she was a great dog.

[Roan]

Did your parents, like. Was it tight? Like, could they have. Couldn't they have just paid for it or.

[Shane]

It was like the weird kind of like, because he. He had money in the business.

[Roan]

Right.

[Shane]

There was, you know, good years, bad years, stuff.

[Roan]

Got it. Got it. You don't want to liquidate. That's so interesting.

[Francis]

Dog.

[Roan]

Yeah, for a dog.

[Shane]

But he's also the type that he would like, Right.

[Francis]

I'll let my sons do it.

[Roan]

Yeah, like, that's.

[Shane]

I'll let my. What?

[Francis]

I'll let my sons do it.

[Roan]

Like, was he like. Did he not like the dog? Was he like, how bad do you guys want it?

[Shane]

No, it's just like, he was at some point not paying state tax, you know, and then he just has that sort of. He. He can, like, be on the high wire from a business perspective in a way that I think would make most people uncomfortable, where it's just like.

[Francis]

I don't know what you mean by that.

[Shane]

Well, he's like, I'm not going to pay state tax.

[Roan]

He lived in a precarious position.

[Shane]

A precarious position, and then just chose

[Francis]

to opt out of.

[Shane]

Well, because there wasn't money for it.

[Francis]

Oh.

[Shane]

So it's like, you know. But he's still. We'll fix it. We'll figure it out.

[Roan]

There's some.

[Matt]

Yeah, it's current that you guys aren't paying taxes.

[Shane]

No, no, no, no. Now he is. The state came in and was like, if you don't start, like, we're. They came in there like, we're shutting you down today.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Because you haven't paid. And he goes, well, hold on. And then, you know, my sons have a bar mitzvah and he goes out. A repayment plan. Yeah. So then they just start a repayment plan. And his people have so many kids, you know, they.

[Matt]

They want their money.

[Shane]

They're not going to shut me down. All I got to do is tell them, you know. Yeah. And they'll get it back. It's like he's got that attitude where I'd be like, you what?

[Francis]

What?

[Shane]

You haven't. What? I just be like, googling, Googling, you know, prison time, you know, what's this? Due to the credit. We worry about your credit force, you know, you really gotta. You really gotta take it easy.

[Matt]

Wait, what is the name for that?

[Shane]

You.

[Matt]

You watched a movie about the people that don't pay taxes.

[Roan]

Sovereign citizen. Sovereign citizens.

[Shane]

There Was nothing political political. It was just like.

[Matt]

It wasn't like, he wasn't making, like, a statement. Like, he was. So he was still paying, like, federal taxes and stuff.

[Francis]

He had. He feared the feds, I guess.

[Matt]

You don't. With the fed.

[Francis]

No, you don't.

[Matt]

The state, though, there's some debt that

[Roan]

you can just, like, get away with not paying, though. Like, that dude, Caleb Hammer was just talking about how, like, if you have medical debt and you can't pay it, just don't pay it, bro. The bankruptcy is, like, easy to. To, like, handle.

[Francis]

I had a. I had an elbow surgery in, like, 2013, and for whatever reason, I had good insurance, I think. But, like, it. It didn't really cover that much of it. And I still remember that the. The hospital bill, the, like, rental of the surgical theater and the doctor's bill, it was like 30 grand or something like that. And I did not pay it. And they stopped asking for it.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Francis]

And I never saw my credit score go down. Eventually, the doctor died.

[Shane]

There you go.

[Francis]

So I am clear.

[Shane]

Perfect.

[Matt]

Yeah. Now his kids have to pay off your sur.

[Francis]

They're all doing well. Their dad was a doctor.

[Matt]

Yeah, it's true.

[Francis]

Very successful doctor.

[Matt]

I thought it all got passed down. I thought. I thought it all went somewhere.

[Roan]

Like, if you have debt, medical debt, I think medical. I think there's just different levels of debt. I don't think it's all the same. I think that the state taxes isn't as important as the federal taxes.

[Matt]

I'm not going to pay my state taxes. Let me. Let me get in touch with your dad. I want to talk to him about that.

[Francis]

I saw a chart recently that showed, you know, if you make a million dollars a year, here's what you walk home with, based on the state, and Pennsylvania was. Was one of the higher ones. Meaning there's not as much state income tax there as I thought.

[Shane]

Right.

[Francis]

It's a pretty low state income tax.

[Shane]

It is. Yeah.

[Roan]

But it's not. I mean, Florida, Texas, what was New York?

[Francis]

Florida and Texas were both the top because there's zero.

[Matt]

What did it say you come home with?

[Roan]

You owe money on a million in New York?

[Francis]

New York was. New York was pretty bad. California was, like, decidedly worse than New York.

[Matt]

Like, what you come home with, like 100k?

[Francis]

I think it was less than five, less than half.

[Shane]

That's crazy.

[Francis]

Maybe.

[Roan]

That's so nasty for a million.

[Matt]

That's why we had to get out of there.

[Roan]

But he. His dad owned his own. Yeah, his dad owned his Own business, though, like you.

[Matt]

Yeah, I own a business.

[Roan]

No, you don't.

[Matt]

Sasquatch touring.

[Roan]

You own, like, a little business. But that's not your job.

[Matt]

It's a. I have.

[Roan]

Have.

[Matt]

I have a company. I'm the president of the company.

[Roan]

That's not your main job.

[Matt]

Don't size shame companies.

[Roan]

The feds will.

[Shane]

Let's try and use this as a little, like, worm, like. But I have started dipping my toe back into stand up. So maybe I start to build a little bit of an act if I could, you know. Of course. Yeah, that'd be really nice.

[Roan]

Are you.

[Shane]

Yeah, I'm doing, like, small shows around Philly. And how is it? Kind of bombing. Bombing, you know, but it's. It's fun because the. It does feel like a lot less

[Roan]

pressure now because you don't need it to, like. You don't have to, like, do it to make it right. You made. How.

[Matt]

How long did you do stand up before you stopped?

[Shane]

I think about a decade.

[Matt]

Oh, really?

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Like, consistently eight years.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Oh, wow. I didn't know you.

[Shane]

Wasn't. Was not good.

[Francis]

Isn't there some pressure in that? Everyone knows who you are now.

[Matt]

I mean, Philly, it must be like, everybody, right?

[Shane]

Yeah, Yeah, A lot of people know me. I mean, but it's. It's not pressure. Like, I just remember Comedy Central would come in once a year and you'd have an audition.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Shane]

And the last time it was always a helium and I had auditioned twice. And then the third time, you. You know, it's like I. I wasn't writing anything that was good. I could feel that. And I remember getting up on stage and my. I could just see my hand shaking, and I was just like, it's over. And.

[Matt]

Yeah, that shit is a lot of pressure. Even like, the JFL auditions, like, stuff like JFL auditions.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Matt]

It's like you. You do the same set forever, and then you go up and then you're like, okay, none of these jokes are funny anymore. Yeah, I don't know what happened.

[Shane]

So even if they know me and then, you know, I'm also upfront with them that I'm like, you know, new to this again, so bear with me. And they're. They're all incredibly sweet. I'm also not doing a lot of time, so they don't.

[Roan]

What are you doing, five minutes?

[Shane]

Yeah, about five to eight.

[Roan]

Sick.

[Shane]

Hell, yeah. That's awesome. Yeah.

[Francis]

So it's.

[Shane]

It's. It's really fun. But that's what I was like.

[Matt]

Maybe.

[Shane]

Maybe if I could, like, check your schedules and, like, pop in as a guest set sometime.

[Matt]

Yeah, definitely.

[Francis]

All right, we'll see how season four looks.

[Roan]

I mean, you're the creator of the show.

[Francis]

See if George makes a comeback.

[Roan]

How was going to. Did you go to the link?

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Was it sick?

[Shane]

It's incredible.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Surreal. Yeah.

[Matt]

It's insane. Well, how many people was it? It was like.

[Francis]

It was like 76.

[Matt]

76,000. And wasn't it like 4,000 people did. Didn't come and they still. Bro, it still broke the record.

[Shane]

Is that right?

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Damn. Wow. Yeah.

[Matt]

I mean, you gotta assume 80, 000 tickets at least someone's not gonna show.

[Shane]

Yeah, yeah.

[Matt]

It's crazy how many people do show, though. It's insane.

[Shane]

It's wild. And like, the buzz about it before, like, I remember before he did SNL,

[Matt]

that's why LeBron went to the Sixers.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Just the energy of, like, everybody that I was running into, they're like. Yeah, you know, they were. So many people were going, well, it's

[Roan]

probably like, also, I mean, a lot of the people that know him know you too.

[Matt]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Roan]

So there must have been, like, a nice pop. I saw they played the trailer, like, there for the. For the entire stadium of people saw the trailer for your Netflix show.

[Shane]

Crazy. It's crazy. It's crazy. And just like, standing on that stage because we went the night before just to like. Yeah, yeah. You look at it and just like, stand there and his name just gigantic. Wow. I mean, like, it's. Your mind can't really wrap itself around that achievement.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Did you have some Bud Lights that night? Did you enjoy yourself?

[Shane]

Well, I enjoyed myself, but me enjoying myself is probably very different. Like, I had like, three or four Bud Lights in. I would like to go home, please. Man. There's one little thing that I wish I would have taken because. So, like, before they brought Phil and then me, Chris and Kyla up, it was Bam Margera. And he was just like, kind of giving an announcement about, like, phones or what have you. Have you. And so then he. He does his thing and then Phil, we. We come out, Phil does his thing, they start playing. I look down. Then Bam's notes were on the ground. And the first thing was like, what's up? I should have taken it. What a treasure to have. Oh, my gosh. I just looked at it.

[Roan]

That's so funny that he wrote that line.

[Francis]

I know. What is it? Was it Cox? Is it?

[Matt]

What up?

[Francis]

I need to write this down.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Francis]

You saying I'll Go Home now conjured a very, very fond memory in my life, which is when we went out to dinner with Nate Diaz or.

[Shane]

Oh, yeah. And dude, I'm trying to talk about that on stage.

[Francis]

Are you?

[Shane]

Yeah, go ahead.

[Francis]

Because we're at that huge table with so many people, and it's a vegan restaurant in LA in a private room, and they brought out the bags of mushrooms.

[Shane]

Yeah, I don't. Didn't remember that.

[Francis]

And I'd never done, like, real. I'd only ever done, like, the chocolate bar mushrooms. Right. And all of a sudden, this was like, crops being handed. I don't know what.

[Shane]

It's weird when you go to a place, they give you something foreign.

[Francis]

He also had these, like, cargo pants on that had so many pockets. And inside of each pocket was a room temperature, like, hard seltzer.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Francis]

And at various intervals of the evening, as we're walking along the sidewalk, he'd be like, hey, you want one to shotgun?

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Francis]

And I'd be like, of course, Nate Diaz. I'm not gonna say no. And he would just pull one out that has been warming against his thigh and hand it to me, and we would shotgun a seltzer and then go on our merry way.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Francis]

But go ahead.

[Shane]

Go ahead. Yeah. As soon as the mushrooms came out, I probably said, I got an early flight.

[Francis]

Well, we were pushing you to stay.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Francis]

We really wanted you to stay. Stay. And that was the night you told me about how you really liked the pinch.

[Shane]

Oh, yeah.

[Francis]

Which I've never forgotten of that. That vodka. Yeah, the ice cold vodka after a long day of work. That first sip gives you the pinch.

[Shane]

Unbelievable.

[Francis]

What's the pinch you got to describe? I don't know.

[Shane]

It's just like that pinch in your mouth of like, you know, and then you. And then you're like, oh, maybe I'm not the worst, but that night, the thing I'm, like, trying to talk about is it's just tough to. But Shane made me tell a story. We were sitting there and it was a little quiet. He was like, tell them what happened last night. And I was like, please. And then. Because the previous night I had accidentally brushed my teeth with Preparation H. Oh, no. Yeah, dude.

[Matt]

I had that in my bathroom and I was like, I wonder if, like, I'll accidentally fuck up and use that.

[Shane]

Yeah, well, you did that. I did that because I also have, like. I wear incredibly strong contact lenses. So when that's out, everything's a blur. It's all travel sizes and just the disgust at the Table. The utter disgust.

[Roan]

How many brushes did you get in?

[Shane]

I got a couple, and then I freaked out.

[Roan]

Is it, like, right away? Like, didn't you taste it right away?

[Shane]

So when I call a couple, I

[Roan]

would say that, okay, got it. I did it. I've done that exact, exact move. Because it's red. The container's red.

[Shane]

Yes.

[Roan]

I was at a shorehouse. I grabbed it off another counter. I was like, there's toothpaste in there. I know it put it on, but as soon as it touched tongue, I didn't even get a scrub.

[Shane]

It's probably cortisone cream.

[Roan]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Matt]

So what happened?

[Roan]

Happened.

[Shane]

Called poison control.

[Matt]

I mean, I feel like you kind of have to. I feel like that's the right move.

[Shane]

Funniest response from the guy. You know, the poison control say, I just brushed, redo the preparation age. And he goes, what? Everything that he's heard throughout his life. But it's fine, you know, you didn't

[Matt]

get sick or anything. Interesting. I feel like that would you up bad.

[Roan]

No, it's for the body, H. Preparation H is for the ass. You put it in a hole, it's like you're putting it in another hole of your body.

[Matt]

But what is it supposed to.

[Roan]

The. The.

[Matt]

What does it do? It numbs pain and, like, reduces the inflammation.

[Roan]

Don't act like you don't know a preparation age.

[Matt]

No, I know what it does. I'm saying. So putting that in your mouth, that's gotta cause a world of issues.

[Roan]

I did it, obviously.

[Matt]

Of 50% of us

[Shane]

humans, I passed about 12 of them my way here. Who put stuff in their body that you're like, that should kill them immediately. They're fine.

[Roan]

Yeah, It's a resilience.

[Matt]

You can take a little prep.

[Roan]

H. Yeah.

[Matt]

The body's meant to handle it.

[Roan]

Did you take the drugs with the. The ds?

[Francis]

I. I had made a vow at the beginning of the evening, the way that it was all coming together. I was like. I could see from a mile away that this was going to be, like, one of the nights of my life. Because, you know, we were all going out, and then all of a sudden, like, we ran into Nate Diaz and his whole crew at this hotel bar. And then they were like, come to dinner with us. And then you agreed to come because you were about to go home. And it was like, just the group of people and what was happening. I distinctly remember at the dinner, because this was like, the first really, like, famous person dinner that I had been like a wallflower at. And I remember that the owner of the restaurant opened the sliding doors to that private room we were in, and this guy came in.

[Shane]

The doctor.

[Francis]

Correct. Not just a doctor. He owned the hospitals in la.

[Shane]

Oh, he did.

[Francis]

That's what it was.

[Shane]

Because I've been saying that he was like the head cardiologist at Cedars Sinai.

[Francis]

I think he. Maybe. But he. He owned. I know he owned the hospital, like, one or two of the hospitals in Los Angeles.

[Roan]

Good God.

[Francis]

And he paid for whole dinner.

[Shane]

Oh, he paid for the whole dinner.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Because I just. The. The. My recollection is nobody tried to get his number.

[Francis]

He just.

[Shane]

That's the guy.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Roan]

He.

[Francis]

He shook Nate's hand. Was like, big fan.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Francis]

And was like, if you ever need anything, come to my hospital.

[Shane]

Right.

[Francis]

I'll give you a wing. And then paid for our whole dinner. And it was like 14 of us at a very fancy LA restaurant. It must have been like a.

[Shane]

And nobody was jumping get this guy's number.

[Francis]

No. But. But I bet that the owner of the restaurant connected them. We. It wasn't for us.

[Matt]

You never know.

[Francis]

What would we have done with that guy's number?

[Shane]

No, I know. I'm not.

[Matt]

I'm not.

[Francis]

Surgery Bill play. Yeah. Yeah. Well, just in case we ever needed to get to the front of the line of, like, a heart transplant.

[Roan]

No. Some money. He's the money man.

[Francis]

No.

[Shane]

Yeah. If anybody comes to meet me and they're like, tax accountant, you know, whatever, You. These are people that you go, let's get that in the phone. And I couldn't believe that he was like, thank you.

[Francis]

What do you do professionally? Okay. Yeah, you can have my number. Yeah, that's very good.

[Roan]

He's collectible.

[Shane]

What's the point of all this if not that?

[Matt]

Yeah, it's true.

[Shane]

The front of the line. Please.

[Francis]

I would have said chicks.

[Shane]

Oh, yeah. That. You're still. Sure. But. But heart more than cardiologists. That's. You're right.

[Matt]

I mean, heart surgeon that owns multiple hospitals.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Why is he still doing heart surgery? Hang it up.

[Shane]

Well, that. That. That's just competing. I would trust Francis's way more than mine.

[Matt]

That would be insane if he owns the hospital. He was so good at the doctor there.

[Roan]

He's, like, messy.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Roan]

He's like a steak in the hospital. So sick.

[Francis]

It's one of those weird things where you don't even think there's a person who owns a hospital.

[Matt]

No, like, oh, those are.

[Francis]

Those are owned.

[Matt]

Yeah, you're.

[Roan]

You.

[Francis]

You're in the hospital. Business.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Francis]

How'd you get into that? Well, we started with, you know, pediatricians off, worked our way up from a mom and pop, you know, overnight aid place.

[Matt]

They probably. It's probably one person that owns everything. They probably own like the. They probably own the morgue, they own the. The funeral home, like the funeral places, graveyard. They own it all.

[Roan]

Yeah, they definitely do. Yeah.

[Shane]

But you guys did have a fun night. I remember seeing pictures of you shadow boxing with the sensei. I don't think I'm honest.

[Francis]

That's true.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Francis]

We all went to watch Shane perform at the Improv and then we went from there to this, to this comedy store which was closed and went into a convenience store and got cases of hard seltzers and then went into a parking lot behind the Comedy store and just drank.

[Roan]

Good hang back there though.

[Francis]

Like learned martial arts for the next three till like four hours. And then the next morning I had to go on Tim Dillon's podcast and I was so up. It was everything I could do to not throw up on the show.

[Shane]

Really?

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Shane]

I'm gonna re. Watch that.

[Francis]

It was really glory days.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Yeah, Glory days.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Roan]

That's sick. Were you. Who else was in the group with the Diaz's? Were you. Was it just your. Your part?

[Francis]

Dude, it was one of the guys from Surf Ninja Jazz, that amazing movie, who has had a pretty good career in Hollywood as like a martial arts stuntman.

[Roan]

And are you mixing it up with these guys too, or you the one giving me.

[Francis]

He was the one giving me lessons.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Francis]

In how to like striking and striking defense.

[Shane]

Wonderful.

[Francis]

Yeah, it was good to learn from him. And then a number of his, like the rest of his crew was comprised of like other mixed martial arts artists from Stockton, California.

[Matt]

Stockton?

[Roan]

Yeah, Stockton. 209. Stand the up.

[Francis]

But John was there too.

[Roan]

But why?

[Francis]

You just.

[Roan]

It was just too much.

[Shane]

Yeah. Not a. Not a nighttime guy.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Shane]

What's that?

[Matt]

You like to be inside?

[Shane]

No, no, I like. Yeah, more of like a day activity, morning activity guy.

[Matt]

I get that.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Retirement's going to be amazing for you.

[Shane]

It's.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Matt]

What time? What do you do? Like, what do you do at night? Like you go to bed early or are you just chilling?

[Shane]

I watch a ton of YouTube, golf, vodka and then.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Matt]

What a mix.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Love that.

[Shane]

It's good.

[Francis]

God, I like that you're back on the sauce because you were off of it for a little while.

[Shane]

Yeah, for like six months I was off of it. And then.

[Francis]

I'm glad you're back.

[Roan]

Vodka Just cold vodka.

[Shane]

Straight. Yeah.

[Francis]

We're off.

[Shane]

Like a little pinch of unsweetened cranberry,

[Roan]

which is to stay. Is that to stay like lean?

[Shane]

No, it's just. I mean, that's just your drink. Yeah. You don't want to put that much sugar.

[Matt]

No, there's no way that's your drink. It's definitely a. It's sugar. And you're worried about the calories, not

[Shane]

worried about the cat. I'm worried about the sugar. But alcohol is sugar, right?

[Matt]

Well, it turns into sugar still from sugar.

[Francis]

Some of it, not all of it, but yeah. Right.

[Shane]

Anyway, I. I don't know why my brain likes it, but that's what my brain.

[Matt]

Well, yeah, no, if you like it, then yeah, yeah, then, then have that.

[Roan]

Probably because it gets you faced because it gets you really drunk really fast.

[Matt]

I can' myself ever sitting down in any scenario with a glass of vodka. But I don't know. I don't know.

[Roan]

That's Russian as hell.

[Francis]

I think that's what you get to when you become a real man. And I say that as someone who has not like the. The most sort of learned and mature men that I know drink vodka, which is cool.

[Matt]

It's cool because it's like, it's. It's like impressive. Honestly.

[Shane]

That's not nothing about that.

[Matt]

It's kind of impressive.

[Shane]

No.

[Matt]

If I saw you sit down somewhere with a glass of vodka, I'd be like, that guy' a fucking of steel.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Because you think whiskey and like, dudes are like whiskey drinkers or even like maybe tequila, but like whiskey. Like, people sip whiskey, but vodka is like harsher, but also lower calorie and like a little bit healthier, but like way harder to drink straight, I think.

[Matt]

Yeah. You don't mix in like a seltzer or anything. Like you like, you like it just straight with the gram.

[Francis]

Yeah, dude, it is cool.

[Matt]

It's like cool.

[Francis]

That's cool. It is, dude, that's cool, man. Especially if you like, keep your bottle of vodka in the freezer.

[Shane]

I do, I do. Smear off.

[Francis]

I knew. Well, I would have thought it was better, but smeared off crazy.

[Matt]

Got that.

[Francis]

This season four. Get yourself some.

[Matt]

You might be their number one customer.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Are you Russian at all?

[Shane]

No. Well, from my. The. The Jewish side. Yeah.

[Roan]

Oh, well, yeah. There you go.

[Shane]

Yeah. Ashkenazi, Russians or something.

[Roan]

I wouldn't have even thought that until

[Matt]

Ashkenazi was like European.

[Shane]

Yeah. Yeah. Maybe Russia.

[Roan]

Part of Russia's in Europe.

[Matt]

Oh, yeah, true.

[Roan]

But I would have never. That's the most Russian sounding thing ever. Just drinking straight.

[Matt]

I don't even know.

[Shane]

Tried to do the other.

[Matt]

That's like a bad stereotype for Russians.

[Francis]

That's the one you like?

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Then far be it for me to sort of mock your. Your prescription. It sounds like you know exactly what you want.

[Matt]

Yeah. No, I agree. I think we all probably have just had bad experience is with Smirnoff.

[Francis]

We're also all out here trying different things. Some nights we'll have a beer, then it's this like a bunch of.

[Shane]

What are your nights look like in the city? You guys going out all the time?

[Matt]

No, I don't go out ever. I'm currently on a weed sabbatical. So my, my, my day to day is changing quite a bit.

[Shane]

So you just go home?

[Matt]

I just go home.

[Shane]

What are we watching?

[Matt]

Nothing right now. Right now. It's a lot of just sitting and thinking.

[Shane]

Okay.

[Matt]

And going. I don't really want to do anything. Anything.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Playing video games but not really having fun.

[Shane]

So just know that feeling that's like. Well, I used to play practice piano back in the day.

[Matt]

Yeah, yeah, of course.

[Shane]

And you're like past the point of any like sort of sensible practice. You're just like making noise. Feels like your brake pedals aren't working

[Matt]

and you're like, this sucks.

[Shane]

Yeah. Yeah. You're just like.

[Roan]

Yeah, you're a penis. I didn't realize.

[Shane]

No, no. I mean just for a little brief period, you know, was forced to.

[Roan]

What, what, what age?

[Shane]

Middle school.

[Roan]

Yeah, I think I was forced to for a little bit.

[Shane]

Oh.

[Matt]

I was forced to for a while

[Roan]

and I dream of forcing my children to.

[Matt]

Yeah, of course.

[Shane]

Do it.

[Roan]

I feel like you have to like the idea that like people know musical theory. I feel like you got pretty far into music.

[Shane]

Absolutely. You're great.

[Francis]

I was forced to do it long enough that I understood it and then I switched to guitar and then came back to the piano on my own. And that only then did I start enjoying enjoying it. And once you start enjoying it, you do get better.

[Roan]

How many years were you forced to do it?

[Francis]

Probably like 10.

[Roan]

Oh my God.

[Matt]

That was probably me too. I was, I was forced to do piano from kindergarten through middle school. And then I started playing clarinet in high school and then I quit. And then I haven't, I haven't really played much loud ass houses because I wanted to play saxophone.

[Shane]

Right. Naturally.

[Matt]

And then they tell you, well, if you play clarinet it's actually very easy to switch over to the saxophone. Saxophone like once there's more because you. There's only a certain amount of available spots.

[Shane]

Okay.

[Matt]

And then. Oh, you start playing the saxophone or the clarinet and then you're like, I'm not. Like, this is impossible to learn. I'm not switching once I learned this. Like, that's crazy.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

In high school, I'm not going to become like a three instrument guy. That's nuts. So I played clarinet. I was really good at it, though. Second chair. I was. I was second chair in the hot in the top, top band.

[Francis]

Who was first chair?

[Matt]

An Asian girl.

[Shane]

What was your name?

[Matt]

I don't. I don't do that. I'm not like Francis.

[Roan]

This is like, we're giving her credit.

[Francis]

I'm platforming these people. They reach out. Thank. Thanking me.

[Matt]

Oh, really?

[Francis]

Hey, everybody told me you mentioned me on your podcast. Thank you.

[Shane]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Matt]

No, I don't want that.

[Francis]

I get that.

[Matt]

I don't want that at all.

[Francis]

Sharing the love.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Francis]

I name people by their legal names from my life on this show.

[Shane]

That's great.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Shane]

You know, one of my favorite things, I looked for it on your Instagram. I couldn't find it. Maybe it was like a story thing that you did. Do you remember when you were waiting for that flight and there was one first class seat and you were third in line.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Shane]

And the people in front of him were a newlywed couple. So it was the drama of him being like, are they going to.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Francis]

One of them had the upgrade.

[Shane]

Right.

[Francis]

And if. If one of them had taken it, I wouldn't have gotten it.

[Shane]

Right.

[Francis]

And I was rooting for their love.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Francis]

So that they would want to sit together and not take the one remaining seat.

[Shane]

Yes.

[Francis]

And when I saw them, I was like, I really think you guys have a beautiful marriage. Congratulations.

[Shane]

Like him sitting in first class screwdriver. Love wins. Love wins.

[Francis]

Love wins.

[Shane]

That's what it was.

[Roan]

That's so funny. He just said he had another one this weekend. We just talked about it. But you should tell him.

[Francis]

Yeah, I had. I had. There were. It was a mutt. Well, this was a little different. There was. I had a first class seat, but I, I was. I usually spend as much time in the lounge as I possibly can until I like to get on the plane at the end.

[Shane]

Yeah. And get into a lounge. What am I doing wrong?

[Matt]

Like, what you gotta have.

[Roan]

They're a capacity. Honestly, you don't even need to.

[Matt]

They, they. Honestly, they're. They're terrible. Don't listen to him, dude. It's like a soup Kitchen.

[Francis]

This is a. This is like you.

[Matt]

You think you're going to this, like, luxury, luxurious experience. And you get there and there's people, like, begging for, like, a slice of pot or a piece of the.

[Francis]

The.

[Matt]

The food they have is like, what do you.

[Francis]

What do you.

[Matt]

What do you like to eat?

[Shane]

Well, it's more about the seclusion.

[Matt]

It's no. There's no seclusion.

[Francis]

This is a guy who makes the team and then is like, they sucked anyways. I didn't want to play.

[Matt]

I've live. Look, trust me.

[Roan]

I've been.

[Francis]

That's what it is.

[Matt]

I've been in the Delta Lunch. I went to the.

[Francis]

The.

[Shane]

The.

[Matt]

What is it?

[Roan]

The Centurion.

[Matt]

I went to the Centurion. I mean, what are we doing? It's a closet. And they have like.

[Francis]

And you know what? In a week. In a week, he'll be back on. On the lounge being like, I really like them. See, that's the. Know.

[Roan]

I don't.

[Matt]

I'll go. It's bullshit, but they're not good.

[Roan]

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[Roan]

When I busted my knee, I got onto zocdoc and I said, where can I get somebody that's going to check out my knee today? I think it was like 10 in the morning. By 11:30 I was in a doctor's office.

[Matt]

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[Roan]

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[Shane]

I just have to leave before running rush hour.

[Roan]

No, no, we'll get.

[Francis]

Oh, okay. Well, there's a defined time for that.

[Matt]

Yeah, it's always rush hour.

[Francis]

I have to leave before dusk.

[Shane]

I'm not sitting in rush hour traffic. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. When I sense dusk creeping in, it's

[Francis]

probably time for me to hit the road.

[Shane]

On my third time through the Lincoln Tunnel today, I was like, I'm out of here. I'm supposed to. I'm out. I'm not seeing anybody in that parking garage, by the way. It's. They can't fit any more cars in. And he's like, sure, leave it. Are you sure

[Matt]

that shit's the worst.

[Shane]

You know exactly what I'm talking about. Just send me to a normal place. You pull in, there's two lanes, the right lane, which is where you're supposed to, you know, all the cars are parked facing you. So I'm like, I guess, I guess it's full. So I start to back up. Beeping. So then I'm like, I don't know what to do.

[Matt]

You drive an 18 wheeler.

[Shane]

So I sat there. When you back up, maybe park there. Is that going to be like, do I need a. So then I was like, I bet you this is a New York thing. There'd probably be a gate. So I went down there.

[Francis]

Oh, thank God.

[Shane]

No place to stand. And the guy's like, yeah, leave it. I'm like, like, all right, yeah, they

[Francis]

park it for you.

[Matt]

You don't.

[Shane]

My point is there's no place to park it driving into another car.

[Francis]

They have secret compartments. They've got elevators. They have all. It's an M.C. escher painting in there. Parking garages in New York City are that. And they. They will find a place that we

[Roan]

would never Tuple park you, like, just stack you in with no space in between. These are Colombians who are somehow the best drivers on planet Earth.

[Francis]

Correct.

[Roan]

Like they're formula one geniuses. They can make you work. Their spatial awareness is second to none.

[Matt]

Yeah, I had that where I was returning a car from to a rental place a couple weeks ago and there was nowhere to. Nowhere to go. I just had to leave it in the middle of the road. There's like. Yeah, but there's like cars behind.

[Shane]

Oh, you can't.

[Matt]

There's nowhere. Well, there's nowhere for anyone wants to get any of us to go.

[Shane]

There had it. What? Describe the Seymour. What happened.

[Matt]

It's. It's, you know, like the car company, like 6th. Yeah, yeah, it was that in Queens by. By LaGuardia. And in the. The road that it comes onto is a one way and the road goes. It like merges on to like a busier road and it's like a very thin, short road and there's just nowhere to go.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

So you just had to leave it.

[Shane]

Damn.

[Matt]

Just tell the.

[Roan]

No one said anything.

[Matt]

No, I had to tell the people. I'm like, I don't know. Like there's nowhere to go. And then they. Then they leave it. But then there's like. It's causing a whole jam. 6.

[Roan]

6 is the sexy car rental option option though.

[Francis]

Really?

[Roan]

Oh, yeah. I think it's like sexy in European.

[Francis]

Yeah, I like hurts.

[Matt]

They're all the same.

[Roan]

You can set your clock too. Yeah, it's just hurts. Sexy.

[Matt]

But I'll be honest, I tried. I tried to do that thing that you were talking about with the card with Hertz. I'm gold. I'm a gold member. And I showed up to LaGuardia and my name was not on the thing.

[Francis]

There's something else you have to do. I had this happen to me recently

[Matt]

and then I waited in line for an hour.

[Francis]

I know.

[Matt]

And it. Bro, like the questions. People gotta stop asking so many questions. Like, oh, we got the. What did you want? You wanted a big car. Okay, we can do this Tahoe.

[Francis]

Well, I Don't know if the top.

[Matt]

Does the Tahoe have, like. And it's like, why does it matter?

[Roan]

Why do you care? It's all the same.

[Matt]

It's a car.

[Francis]

A lot of these people don't travel, so it's daunting to them. I knew there was, like, their first time out of the house.

[Matt]

One of the guys who definitely travels business, he switched cars three times.

[Shane]

Oh, that's insane.

[Matt]

It's like, bro, at a certain point, you're just an.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Like, I see us all waiting here, and you're waiting to get, like, the perfect fit for your fat body.

[Roan]

Because he was fat. He was a fat guy.

[Matt]

He's a fat guy. Yeah, he's.

[Roan]

Well, then say. I mean, lead with that so we could all get on the same page. We're fat hating.

[Matt]

I don't know. It's just the questions enraged me. Hotels checking in, people asking about the incidental charges. Like, they. They get hit with, it's going to be $200 in incidentals. It's like a flash grenade to the face for those people. They're like. They can't comprehend what that is.

[Francis]

But that's just. That's. They don't. They know it's coming back to them.

[Matt]

Yes, exactly.

[Francis]

And they don't understand that.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Some Americans can't. They can't stomach a 200 bonus charge.

[Matt]

I mean, I get it.

[Roan]

They used to have it in battle rap all the time. There would be, like, dudes checking in, and they would have to, like, bring the hotel clerk to the side so they could, like, whisper to them. Be like, dude, the way my account's set up, like, I don't have 200 extra dollars.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Roan]

And have to reset it. It's a nasty time.

[Francis]

And it's like, well, that's fine. Just don't touch anything.

[Matt]

Yeah. Make sure you don't rip the TV off the wall.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Matt]

There's not much to break anyway.

[Roan]

You're. You're leaving the Delta Lounge after a long time.

[Francis]

Oh, I forgot we were talking about that. Yeah, yeah.

[Roan]

We're in the middle of the story. This was an aside.

[Francis]

What did I.

[Roan]

What was you leaving the Delta Lounge and there's two women.

[Francis]

Oh, yeah, I. I leave the lounge, I get to my flight, there's only two people left waiting and that have not boarded the plane.

[Shane]

And this is on your Instagram now?

[Francis]

No, I didn't post about this.

[Roan]

It's a personal one.

[Francis]

But I overheard them talking, and they were. Were like, yeah, there's two seats left in first class. And if the one person who has one doesn't show up, we'll get both of them. And I heard them say that as I was like coming, and then I.

[Roan]

He lurked behind and waited until the last second before the doors closed and then claimed his.

[Shane]

Why would you do that? That's sick.

[Francis]

What do you mean?

[Shane]

I. There's no need to clarify what I meant.

[Francis]

I wasn't doing it to punish them. I didn't. I didn't know they were going to be there and like, hoping for the upgrade.

[Shane]

Wait, but he said. But so you. But when you found out that they were ready, that they got that piece

[Francis]

of information, they were just saying that.

[Roan]

And then he waited and he bought. He bought a vodka straight and just watched them.

[Francis]

I didn't wait. He's pulling your leg. I didn't wait. I was.

[Roan]

But as far as those women are concerned, you might as well. Like you did wait, but you didn't know that they were the victims.

[Francis]

What I wanted to do is scan my ticket and wait to hear them be like, ah, we lost. Lost it. Because that would have made me happy.

[Shane]

Why?

[Francis]

Because. Shame on them. Shame on them for thinking the world would be handed to them on a silver platter. I had to use a global upgrade certificate to get me from premium economy into Delta 1 on a flight home.

[Roan]

Global upgrade for a domestic flight from California. Wow.

[Francis]

I got those global upgrade certificates by dint of how much I travel for work so that I didn't get anything they did not have.

[Matt]

I didn't get any this year. Just regional.

[Roan]

Regional.

[Matt]

No one wants that. Yeah, I can get an upgrade from New York to Boston.

[Roan]

Did you fly. Fly to Greensboro first class when you went?

[Matt]

Yeah, yeah.

[Roan]

Regional upgrade.

[Matt]

It was a regional upgrade.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Francis]

If I get to a hundred thousand, a hundred thousand MQDs, I can gift Diamond Medallion on Delta to someone else. I got you.

[Shane]

Is that right?

[Francis]

You'll love it. Coming right to you.

[Shane]

Diamond medallion. What is that? It sounds the highest tier.

[Matt]

It's the highest tier you can. Well, it's actually not.

[Roan]

It's all we talk about. It's literally all we ever talk about or aspire.

[Shane]

Diamond Medallion.

[Roan]

Diamond Medallion.

[Francis]

Two episodes and I'm in recovery now. No more coke for me. I kicked it.

[Matt]

Love that.

[Shane]

Okay.

[Francis]

Peyote palooza.

[Matt]

I think that's a fair trade off.

[Shane]

I'll talk to. No, don't talk to my boss about it.

[Francis]

Don't bring anything of this up, please.

[Roan]

One episode for Diamond Medallion. One for a spot on the road for the tour.

[Matt]

Yeah, I feel like Diamond Medallion's worth at least. I mean, he needs to be in the trailer. We need.

[Francis]

Like, I had my own trailer for season two.

[Matt]

Oh, really?

[Francis]

It was awesome. One, one day I had the small one, and then the other day I had the big one.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Next to Shane.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Francis]

With. That room is huge.

[Shane]

Yeah, you can.

[Francis]

So you can nap in that.

[Roan]

Oh, you meant like a trailer? Like a preview, right?

[Matt]

Yeah, Yeah. I just got so confused.

[Francis]

Sorry, sorry.

[Roan]

When you said I had my own trailer, I thought you meant you had your own pre preview, like, preview video.

[Shane]

Shane got the Bluetooth to my trailer this year, so. I can imagine.

[Roan]

Yeah. What did it hit you with?

[Shane]

I don't think I should say the nog. What's that?

[Roan]

Porno.

[Shane]

Of course that.

[Roan]

Oh, so something more nasty than porno.

[Shane]

Yeah, but. And then music that I hate, but.

[Matt]

Bruce.

[Shane]

What's up?

[Matt]

Like Springsteen.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Going from season one to season two was a really cool experience.

[Shane]

It was awesome.

[Roan]

You can only imagine what going from season two to season three was. Must have been incredible.

[Francis]

I can imagine.

[Shane]

It was incredible.

[Francis]

No, no, no.

[Roan]

The crafty must have been better.

[Shane]

Crafty was no different.

[Roan]

Okay, that's good.

[Shane]

Yeah. You missed.

[Roan]

Okay. You missed nothing.

[Francis]

Every time we would eat on set, I would feel sick after every single time.

[Shane]

Snap. Yeah.

[Francis]

And you do that for, like, months. Well, I'm there for a week.

[Shane]

Yeah. I, I, I. Because we get an executive assistant, so I, I go, o, please get me something else. Give me chip.

[Francis]

And Yeah, I just would gorge. I would eat so much of the prepared food.

[Shane]

Oh. Oh, so you liked it?

[Francis]

No, I didn't.

[Shane]

Okay.

[Francis]

I mean, I didn't. When there's food out, I eat like I'm a Labrador. I can't not eat all of it.

[Shane]

Is that right?

[Francis]

Yeah. I have a problem.

[Shane]

Is it a pro or are you just, like, trying to pack on mass with, like.

[Francis]

I've just forever been a very hungry person, and I have this feeling that if I stop eating in such enormous quantities, my metabolism will slow down, slow down, and then I'll gain weight.

[Shane]

Interesting.

[Francis]

I attribute somewhat of my physique to how much I eat.

[Shane]

Interesting.

[Francis]

And I have no idea.

[Shane]

Have you ever been overweight?

[Francis]

No.

[Shane]

Nice.

[Roan]

Never. Never once.

[Francis]

I would kill myself.

[Roan]

Well, you've never been obese, but I mean, your BMI is probably like.

[Matt]

Oh, yeah, you are. At least.

[Roan]

Yeah, you're. You're probably like, overweight for your height because you're so. He is.

[Matt]

He's fat.

[Francis]

That calculation is really outdated and obviously everyone knows it's. Flawed because by those metrics, the Rock is also obese.

[Shane]

He is.

[Matt]

He's a fat ass.

[Francis]

Me, J.J. watt.

[Roan]

That's a regular day for Francis the Rock's cheat day. Yeah, that was him on the pancakes at Crafty. What kind of stuff are they? Like, is it like a plate or like a tin of fish or some like that? Or like a bunch of chickens lined up?

[Francis]

It would always be like some mother and father and daughter who are like a Barbie barbecue family. They're like dry our chickens. You're like, I don't know what that is.

[Matt]

And you don't want that for lunch.

[Francis]

Just piles of sausages with onions and peppers.

[Matt]

I mean, having barbecue as your midday meals as an actor.

[Francis]

Seven more hours on my feet after

[Roan]

this or you have to look presentable. I mean like a camera guy, a grip or something like that. They can load up and they don't give a.

[Francis]

And I was always like, you'd have makeup on. And one of my outfits. I had to wear a leather jacket over a hoodie. And I just was so hot. Which luckily, like, contribute helped me act because my character was just so fucking, you know.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Francis]

But making you laugh was my favorite thing.

[Shane]

Oh, my God.

[Francis]

On the show when. Remember when I took your seat in the office?

[Shane]

Yeah, I used to. You're just so good.

[Francis]

Oh, yeah. That's not why I brought.

[Shane]

Well, I still. I still go back and rewatch the you from the first episode for the first season. You making chain break. Yeah.

[Francis]

That was fun, too.

[Shane]

That's. That's such a fun outtake. Shane and Shane Francis. I love that.

[Francis]

I'm glad I got to be in the blooper reel. I like the bloopers. I've always been a blooper guy.

[Roan]

Is there anything that we need to know about season three or just going raw?

[Shane]

Yeah, I think raw. Well, just. Yeah.

[Francis]

Love that. Awesome. August, what?

[Shane]

1313.

[Roan]

My dad's birthday. Come on.

[Matt]

Right around the corner.

[Francis]

Really soon. Cool. Check that out on Netflix. That's season three. Congratulations.

[Shane]

Thank you.

[Matt]

Congrats.

[Shane]

Thanks.

[Francis]

Thanks for coming. Thanks. Invitational next year.

[Shane]

Sure.

[Francis]

You and I are due for some golf.

[Roan]

You guys got to play some golf.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Come on down.

[Francis]

Cool.

[Roan]

Oh, no, no, no. You got to come on up, bro. Are you going to go down to play golf with him?

[Shane]

He's never going to go down.

[Francis]

I will come.

[Roan]

What about like, Marion or. Or something like that or somewhere nice?

[Shane]

No, no, I got to play Marion East. Yeah. Yeah. With the Eagles Autism Foundation.

[Roan]

Oh, nice.

[Shane]

Incredible. Yeah.

[Roan]

Carter Barwin or who Is that. Or. I don't know. But still, it was sick.

[Shane]

What do you mean? Like, who's.

[Roan]

Is there somebody that runs that from the Eagle side?

[Shane]

She. Well, yeah.

[Roan]

She a woman.

[Shane]

Yeah. And the first time. Because the week before I got to play with Jason Kelsey as an event, and that was at Rolling Green, and I was like, passing this woman that kept. Every time I'd pass her, she'd be like, and then this quarter, I made X amount of millions. And then this X amount of millions. And I'm like, what a psycho.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Talking. I was like, got to be a real. Yeah. But she was in charge of the Eagles autism, so she was just talking about how much money she's raised.

[Francis]

She was like, all you have to do to play Marion is get diagnosed.

[Matt]

You'll be making millions.

[Shane]

She. She's awesome, Ryan. And. Yeah.

[Roan]

So how was it?

[Matt]

They're playing.

[Shane]

Really incredible.

[Francis]

Marion's really cool.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Francis]

I'll come down. I want to play your course. He's a member at the same course that Saquon Barkley's a member of.

[Shane]

No, Saquon's not there, but Radley Run is the. The course we're gonna play.

[Francis]

I thought Saquon had joined your club.

[Shane]

No, he's. He thought about it.

[Matt]

He signed an NDA.

[Francis]

He thought about it.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Well, that's what he ended up going with.

[Shane]

I don't know.

[Francis]

Well, yeah, he's a big time golfer.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Love that.

[Roan]

I grew up right by Overbrook. No, it's nice.

[Shane]

Yeah. Overbrook's awesome.

[Roan]

Is decent.

[Matt]

Saquon will always be a giant in my eyes.

[Roan]

You're just trolling now, bro. Talking into Philly. Autism, he really had.

[Matt]

When he was in New York. He had something to him.

[Roan]

He's a Super bowl champ, bro. Don't put smut on his name.

[Matt]

No. Stupid IT Note. You saw what happened in the super bowl, though.

[Francis]

You know that he knew to run forwards at least.

[Matt]

Yeah. When he was kind of forgot how to play in the Super Bowl.

[Roan]

A.J. brown is, like, spazzing on the Patriots.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Roan]

It's fine that he can't get a separation. The balls are hitting him in the hands, and Mike Vrabel has been fucking reaming him out. He admitted it.

[Francis]

We have company.

[Matt]

V is going to get him. Right. I mean, that's the thing that's nice about having an actual faz on Vrabel. That's the thing that's nice about having a good coach who plays. Played the game.

[Roan]

Nick Sirianni played the game in what Au college.

[Francis]

Aau.

[Matt]

College at what?

[Roan]

Where he got out before he destroyed his body. Madden, he'd be walking around like a rock. Like. Like it's not neither here nor there.

[Matt]

John Cena, what do you think of Sirianni?

[Roan]

Thank you for coming on.

[Matt]

You like Sirianni?

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Leave him alone. He's our guest. Shut up.

[Matt]

Cool.

[Roan]

Thank you, bro.

[Shane]

Thank you.

[Roan]

That was awesome.