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Harry
Hey. Son of a boy. Dad. Listeners, you can find every episode on Apple podcasts, Spotify or YouTube Prime. Members can listen ad free on Amazon Music.
Roan
Okay, guys, it's grit week. This is the part of the football calendar where nobody's watching, but everything gets built. Early mornings, pads back on, conditioning, film reps. Spring training in football is all about putting in the work when nobody's cheering yet. And honestly, that's the same mindset behind the Chevy Silverado. This is a truck that is the definition of grit. Long days, dirty work, and showing up day after day, no matter the conditions.
Sass
Strong, dependable, and built for the grind.
Roan
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Sass
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Roan
alrighty. Well, nothing much to it.
Mark Normand
You got your vinyl up there.
Roan
Mark was like, what's the premise?
Sass
That's not real.
Mark Normand
Oh, well, you fooled me.
Roan
Premise. Well, Harry's diarrhea might be our premise.
Harry
Yeah, we have no premise.
Mark Normand
All right, great.
Harry
Happy to say. All right, shall we?
Roan
Let's do it.
Harry
Label out on that too. That's sponsored.
Mark Normand
Label out. You have anything to palate? I'll take.
Sass
All right. Welcome back to the Son of a Boy dad podcast. We are here joined by Mark Normand.
Mark Normand
Hey, good to be here.
Sass
Thank you for being here. Thank you for joining us, fellas. How we doing?
Mark Normand
Good energy up top.
Sass
Did you stutter?
Roan
Boys, how about it?
Mark Normand
You're like walking into a gamestop. You don't know what. You're high. I don't know what's going on.
Sass
I never know how to start it when. We don't know when the exact date it's coming out is.
Harry
Oh, yeah. This is going to come out in the future.
Sass
Sometime in the future.
Mark Normand
They all do.
Sass
Kevin Hart's doing like a new show.
Harry
Oh.
Sass
Where it's like. I mean, it's kind of like last comic standing to an extent.
Mark Normand
Yeah, yeah. They have judges and then they have young comics come on and perform for them and they vote who's the best and all that shit.
Harry
If you're doing that show, how do you know when to like hit the nas? Like, are you using your best material? It's like America's Got Talent. If you're a comic, are you using your best shit right at the top of the show?
Sass
Yeah.
Harry
I mean, then what about like week eight when it's like the finals?
Sass
Then you're fucked. That's pretty much what's going on. I've watched the first two episodes. The first one, it's like they just do like the Cellar and everyone does like a 10 minute spot or something like that. And then like the second episode they're like, they're roasting Marshawn Lynch.
Mark Normand
Weird.
Sass
Which is a very odd. Yeah, like, task to be provided with, but yeah. So they're. They're roasting Marshawn lynch and that was terrible. No one did well. They all did bad.
Roan
Can we touch on Marshawn lynch for one second? Yeah, yeah.
Sass
I don't. I was actually thinking about this while I was watching. I was like, because they bring out Marshawn lynch, the crowd's going insane. And in my head I was like, who's having that, who would be having that reaction for Marshawn Lynch?
Harry
I don't know. Be careful. Francis, what are you about to say about Marshawn Lynch?
Roan
So this is my thought about Marshawn lynch and this is a thought that I've always had about Marshawn lynch, which is that as we may remember, during his playing days, he professed to have an anxiety about post game interviews that bordered on like crippling social, like claustrophobia. Do you remember?
Harry
Yeah, kind of.
Roan
Because they kept finding him for it and then he'd get up there and have to do it. And all the pundits were like, this poor guy, you can just see him breaking. Clearly he's not comfortable. And yet now he's spun out into a cross cultural media career.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Roan
How do you go from not being able to answer so what you think about their defense to playing a guy on euphoria? That to me is bullshit. And you know, maybe you care about this call bullshit on like a mental health thing. But yeah, he beat it.
Harry
You can't. You're like pissed that he doesn't have cancer forever. Like you can beat the fucking disease.
Roan
He, he was doing stuff with Conan. He really got like all kinds of front facing, speech oriented roles and things that require him Being on camera and talking on camera and being himself. And he seems to be relishing it. And that's to his credit. But I don't find that squares for me with. With how insanely crippled he became post game Interview. Do you remember this?
Harry
Yeah. No. I've seen him eating things other than Skittles. Like, I think he's a fraud. I think he's full of shit.
Roan
Yes.
Mark Normand
Of all the athletes to roast, like, get a Michael Vicky. Yeah. Aaron Rodgers is a lot of kooky stuff going on. Marshawn lynch just feels a little dated.
Harry
Yeah.
Sass
It just doesn't really make sense. And like, the crowd. It's in a theater, right? And the crowd's going insane.
Mark Normand
I mean, that's all you know.
Roan
Yeah.
Mark Normand
Stage. Hey, come on. There's like a director there.
Sass
I feel like if I saw Marshawn Lynch, I'd be like, holy shit, it's Marshawn Lynch.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Sass
And then that would be it about it again.
Mark Normand
You'd move on to your next airport.
Harry
He's roastable, though. He's cross. He's cross eyed.
Sass
He is cross eyed.
Harry
Cross eyed. That's timeless. That's like.
Sass
Yeah, you can always find something physical.
Roan
Everything I just said was just an audition for Kevin Hart's show. I didn't mean any of it, honestly. I actually am a big fan.
Sass
I honestly think I have a theory that Kevin Hart's not even there while they're filming the show. Every time they cut to him, it looks like he's in, like, just his own room with, like, a green screen behind it.
Mark Normand
Sounds right. That's what's the problem with these shows is, like, I never watch these because what they do to stand out, like, we're all gonna live in a house, and then we're gonna cook a pizza and we're gonna roast the pizza. You know, like, they always have to make some events. And so it started off with comedy. They're at the Cellar. They're doing stand up. Okay. But now we're off on roasting. And then the next one's like, we're gonna build a lawnmower out of sticks. Yeah.
Harry
Why not just have it be comedy the whole time?
Sass
I don't know.
Harry
Comedy to comedy.
Mark Normand
I think they're out of material.
Sass
It is like. I don't know. I feel like these shows, like, the payoff doing them as a comic. It's like you either win or you just look like a fucking dumb ass. Like, it's kind of tough. Like, I don't. I don't Think I would ever be able to do something like that? Like, I was watching the roast. Like, they have to roast, like, you know, like, in, like, a regular roast. Like, you'll roast the guest, the. The special guest, and you'll roast everyone else on, like, the panel and everything.
Mark Normand
Yes.
Sass
Like, they have to do that at a theater. But it's like, no one knows the people because they're all, like, small comedians and sure spread out around America. So it's like you're roasting just like a random dude to the crap.
Harry
I honestly don't want to see white people roasting. I have no interest in it. I just need my black brothers to be doing. I really don't want to see. There's like, no. No white dudes that's like, oh, he's fudgeing. Killing it right now. It's an art form. If some black dudes are doing it, they have a different energy about them.
Roan
Yeah.
Mark Normand
I don't know, man. Jeff Ross, Greg Giraldo.
Harry
Okay.
Mark Normand
And also, I saw Shane Gillis is his couple of his Kevin Hart jokes. They're pretty great.
Roan
Yeah, he said that they were good.
Mark Normand
They're dicey. He's gonna get in trouble.
Harry
I think I'm more talking about, like, classroom roasting when everybody's, like, snapping on each other. I think that, like, if you want.
Roan
Yeah.
Harry
An acerbic, well written, like, sharp joke. Yeah. Those are probably the guys to go to.
Mark Normand
What is it?
Harry
There was, like, a show, and it's like, a bunch of dudes. It's like a bunch of grown comics sitting in, like, a classroom, and it's the funniest show ever. All they're doing is, like, roasting on each other, and it's like. It's, like, on the spot.
Mark Normand
That's a great idea.
Harry
It's. Is it called. Is it Roast Me?
Roan
So Roan, if you don't know, Mark, Roan grew up in the hood,
Harry
and
Roan
I don't even think I'm actually kidding. He was a world champion battle rapper. This is all true.
Mark Normand
Wait, what?
Roan
Really? King of the Dot, which is their kind of Super Bowl. And so he comes.
Mark Normand
Sorry.
Roan
He's like Mark Wahlberg in that movie four Brothers.
Sass
Oh, yeah.
Mark Normand
Good movie.
Roan
Where instead of, like, violence, they wrapped.
Harry
Yeah. There's probably a better movie comparison. If you're going to compare to a rap battle. There's probably like, eight Mile. Yeah, maybe, maybe, maybe.
Roan
Oh, yeah, that would work. I forgot about that fish fish out of water sort of premise, but I
Harry
gave that up a long time ago because it Is not lucrative. And after a while, embarrassing. Keep on doing. You know what I mean? There's like. You kind of have to age out of that. You can't just do that forever. But this show was funny as these dudes are. I think that this is the one I'm talking about.
Sass
Five seasons.
Mark Normand
TI Is in it.
Harry
Just these just. I mean, I.
Roan
Without even hearing it, I can already tell it's funny.
Harry
That's funny.
Mark Normand
That's really funny. This is brilliant. I've never heard of it. This right. Of my own.
Harry
Honestly, it would be something that you would like and maybe even thrive at.
Mark Normand
But I went to public school.
Roan
If you had been there, wouldn't you have been right at home?
Harry
I think these dudes are significantly funnier than I am. I think that these dudes are so. And there's something about the. The way you deliver the joke where you're laughing at your own joke and then everybody starts laughing at it. It's like a supreme confidence to be able to machine gun because I don't even know if these dudes are writing it. Maybe they are. And their delivery is just so natural.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Sass
Yeah.
Roan
I would have been sitting in one of those chairs being like, can we please shut up so we can learn something? Let's keep distracting from the reason we're all here.
Harry
You said you went to public school?
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Harry
What was the ratio?
Mark Normand
I was in New Orleans, so I'd say it was probably 70, 30. Black.
Harry
Okay.
Mark Normand
Oh, wow. Yeah.
Sass
Really?
Harry
So was it that. Was it that kind of thing?
Mark Normand
Totally. A lot of zinging, a lot of zanging. Your mama's so fat. I think I'm a little older than you guys, so it was a lot
Harry
of just classic mom shit.
Mark Normand
Any appearance. And black people have this, like, weird ability to get kind of abstract and creative with a zing. Like, one time a guy told me, he's like, shut the fuck up, man. You look like a rich lady's dog. And it crushed, like, about me. And I was like, damn, that's good. But I don't know if he's right or wrong, but just the fact that he came up with that blew my mind.
Harry
Everything about it's good. Like, the economy of language. It's, like, fast. You, like, get to the punchline really well, like, that's. I mean.
Mark Normand
Yeah. Yeah.
Harry
Pretty brilliant.
Mark Normand
Brilliant shit coming out of those guys. And they're all homeless now, but I
Harry
know if they had the MTV2.
Mark Normand
I know.
Harry
Cast with them.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Harry
Was filming them.
Roan
Mark, did your school have metal detectors?
Mark Normand
No, we were. It Was kind of before all that. We never got that far.
Roan
I was gonna say they'd probably be going off all the time with their teeth and whatnot.
Mark Normand
Yeah, true, true. And the jewelry. But, yeah, it was a. It was dicey, for sure.
Roan
That's exciting that, like, they were throwing dice.
Mark Normand
Well, the weird thing is we never had a school shooting because they were black. They don't do that. Ironically, black people have the metal detectors at the school, but they don't shoot each other. Yeah, that is funny.
Harry
It. Does it just not count if, like, you know, is a tree falling and, like, what. Why is that?
Roan
No, what they. You know, what they say is that the only thing that can stop a school shooter is a black student with a gun.
Mark Normand
Did you see that principal that tackled the guy?
Harry
Yes.
Mark Normand
That was amazing. Yeah, that was like out of a movie. The fat balding principle.
Harry
Everybody wants to believe that that's what they would do.
Mark Normand
Totally.
Harry
You want to think that that's what they would do, but I just.
Sass
I know for a fact I wouldn't do that. No, no. Sprinting the other way as a teacher,
Harry
throwing kids behind you into the line
Mark Normand
of fire, I would stress you to just sprint in general. Look at that.
Harry
That's so sick.
Mark Normand
I mean, this guy's got to be 58, 60.
Roan
Wow.
Mark Normand
And then he went to prom the next week after he got out, he got shot in the leg.
Harry
Oh, he did?
Mark Normand
Because of that. Yeah. And then he went to prom and he got crowned the king. It's like a movie.
Roan
Yeah, well, everyone dances with the paraplegic.
Harry
So easy to get invited if you're a paraplegic. Yeah, but, Francis, I'm just scared that that'll never be you, because I know that you want it so bad, but I feel like you just have had, like, chances recently.
Roan
I've only had the one chance.
Harry
You had two chances.
Roan
When was the other one?
Harry
The guy on the street out here, and then the people biking in from Brooklyn that stole that lady's purse right in front of you while you were on the bike.
Roan
I know that one. What was the one out here?
Harry
There was, like, a guy that you, like, accosted or something, but then you, like, let him go. Took.
Sass
And the girl that was. That was vandalizing.
Harry
The girl that was vandalizing.
Sass
To be a hero.
Roan
You're talking about.
Mark Normand
Really?
Sass
He wants to. He wants to stop crime.
Harry
He thinks he would, but he had three chances.
Roan
Wait a minute. Let's. Let's break those three chances down. I'll tell you because you're You're. You're a city biker, right?
Mark Normand
Big time. Yeah, me too.
Roan
Yeah.
Sass
Yeah.
Roan
I city bike everywhere and helmet. Yeah, I do wear one now. Ever since the comic passed away.
Mark Normand
It's pretty horrible.
Roan
That hit way too close to home.
Mark Normand
Totally.
Roan
Like, I'm like that. I literally take that route that he. He hit his head on. It was. What's his name, Casey.
Mark Normand
Was Kenny DeForest Cannon.
Roan
Kenny DeForest. Yeah. He just like went. He hit a pothole, went over the handlebars and hit his head on a car fender and that's it.
Mark Normand
There was.
Roan
It wasn't like he. He didn't hit a moving car. He wasn't like drinking nothing.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Roan
So I was like, all right, I'm going to wear a helmet.
Mark Normand
Smart. Is that it?
Harry
That would be so sad.
Roan
That is a Harvard lacrosse helmet. But be a little on the nose if I wore that.
Harry
Biking around the city, like seeking out contact, running into with the shoulder pads.
Roan
One of those guys on those single wheel things where they have like arm pads on.
Sass
That is what they wear.
Harry
I saw one of those dudes yesterday weaving in and out of leaning from side to side.
Roan
They're amazing. Mark. I live in Dumbo, and I was coming into the city and I was getting on the Manhattan Bridge and I saw out of the. To the left, like, kind of out of the corner of my eye, I saw a woman get knocked down.
Mark Normand
Oh, shit.
Roan
She was just waiting kind of on the curb. And I saw then a guy close by to her really like, wobbling on a bike. On a city bike, an E bike. And I was also on an E bike. And then four other people were like, with him on E bikes. And as I started to process what happened, I noticed that he was slinging a woman's bag over his shoulder. So he had like driven up, ridden up to her, knocked her down, grabbed her handbag, slung it over his shoulder, and then biked off with his like four lookouts or whatever.
Mark Normand
Oh, wow.
Roan
And I turned to chase them down.
Mark Normand
Four of them.
Roan
Yeah, that was the.
Harry
They were in a flying V too.
Roan
It was five. There was the. There was the thief and then there was his four henchmen flankers. And I thought, I think confidently I could overtake them simply because I city bike so much that I know, I know really how to get the most juice out of my E bike.
Mark Normand
Okay.
Sass
The key is to let it sit for a couple seconds and give it a couple pumps.
Roan
That's not it.
Harry
It's like hitting turbo and matting.
Roan
Do you think that those Guys know how to, like, draft and to lower their head to the point where they're. You know what I mean? Like, I was gonna go full Tour de France on them to hunt them down and do it in a way where they wouldn't have. They would've been like, oh, this guy's in a hurry.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Roan
And then all of a sudden, I'm knocking them down. I played the whole thing out.
Mark Normand
Your plan was to get. Knock them down, get the purse, and then bail out before.
Roan
My plan was just to knock him. The guy who had stolen the purse was to knock him down. Okay, that was my whole plan.
Mark Normand
But why wouldn't the four other guys just beat the shit out of you?
Roan
Because they're all. The first guy. I had a stick, and I was gonna throw it in his spokes.
Mark Normand
Oh, my God.
Harry
Indiana Jones style.
Roan
He flips over forward, much like in.
Sass
The stick would have just exploded.
Mark Normand
Exploded.
Sass
He would have just cleanly written off.
Roan
Did you ever see that movie with the. With the cyclists in? It was like. It was a great movie. It had Dennis Quaid in it from the 1980s.
Mark Normand
Oh, breaking away.
Roan
Breaking Away.
Mark Normand
Amazing film.
Roan
What a great movie.
Mark Normand
Great movie.
Roan
And he finally rides with the Italian team, and they throw the wrench in his spokes and flip him over. So that was what inspired. That's how I got the first guy.
Mark Normand
All right, that's one guy.
Roan
And then the second guy, I think I was just going to hopefully push away. Right. And then maybe the other two guys now realize I'm not to be fudged with. So they bug off. They, like, bug out, you know? But then now it's just me and the guy with the. With the bag.
Mark Normand
Okay. Were they young?
Sass
Oh, yeah.
Harry
Yeah.
Mark Normand
All right. That helps.
Harry
Mm.
Roan
Yeah.
Sass
What, like, how old were they, though?
Roan
You know, probably like 16 to 20.
Mark Normand
They got nothing to lose.
Harry
It's dangerous.
Sass
I think they would have pieced you up.
Harry
I have.
Roan
Too far loose.
Sass
No, they would have found it. They would have found whatever you have to lose, and they would have taken it.
Harry
They would have lured you to a one way. They would have lured you to a cul de sac.
Roan
The only thing I have. Bring me into my own environment. Bring me to a home game. Oh, no.
Harry
Turf.
Roan
Oh, look. Ring cam is perfect. Just what I want. I want this documented so it goes viral and I get. You know.
Mark Normand
So I grew up in a bad. Pretty bad neighborhood, and I got my bike stolen all the time. And one time, three guys pushed me off about. I was like, 11, 12, and they were probably 16, 17. They had armpit hair. Which freak. I'll never forget it. But I had gotten with so much that I kind of just lost my cool. And the kid stole my bike. And before he get away, I just pushed him like you. I knocked him over on the bike, and then one of his friends just punched me in the stomach. And I was like, okay, okay, okay. All right, take it easy. But I got off easy.
Harry
I felt like stomach punch is almost more disrespectful than a face punch.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Harry
It really takes it out of you.
Sass
Yeah.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Sass
You can't breathe
Roan
when you. I mean, when you're a kid, right, and you have your bike stolen, what's. What happens next? You buy a new bike?
Mark Normand
Well, yeah, I ran home crying, and my mom, you know, she's such, like, a bleeding heart liberal that I was like, these black kids stole my bike. And she was like, well, they need it. Thanks, bitch. Appreciate that.
Roan
Reparations, Mark.
Mark Normand
And, yeah, I got. I guess I got a new bike, like in Christmas or something.
Roan
And. But that. My question becomes, if they have such an easy time stealing a bike from you and there's no repercussions for them, and then you get a new bike, don't you just become, like a vending machine of bicycles?
Mark Normand
Totally. I stopped riding it after a while.
Roan
Yeah.
Mark Normand
Which is pretty sad.
Harry
That's devastating. Yeah, that is.
Sass
That is. It does suck.
Harry
And you're just looking up at his armpit hair.
Mark Normand
Well, you get why people buy guns. You're like, next time a guy comes off, just shoot him.
Harry
Yeah.
Mark Normand
It's my only option. I can't beat them up. They're all tougher than me and bigger than me.
Harry
I remember the first time seeing kids had armpit hair, and it was. I was in seventh grade, I think, and it was a kid a grade lower than me. He was in sixth grade.
Sass
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I remember that.
Harry
It's devastating to see a kid in sixth grade have armpit hair. Like, I was in sixth, he was in fifth.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Harry
It's like, why am I not. Why am I not caught up yet?
Sass
Yeah. I remember finding out, like, one of my buddies had, like, a full bush, and I had, like. I didn't even. I hadn't even begun to have, like, a single hair.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Sass
I was like, what the.
Harry
How did he find out?
Sass
He probably just showed it to us.
Mark Normand
Do you remember your. I remember seeing a couple sprouts.
Sass
Oh, yeah.
Mark Normand
I'm a man.
Roan
I'm a man.
Mark Normand
I had.
Sass
I remember I had one individual pube, and I Cut it off with a nail clipper so I get this thing the out of here.
Mark Normand
Saved it, framed it. Can you grow facial hair or you just do the cleanest shave of all time every single day of your life?
Roan
I can grow a full beard. Yeah.
Mark Normand
Oh, really? Have a sick beard?
Harry
He would have an awesome beard.
Sass
What color is it?
Roan
Let it go like a dark rust.
Sass
Really dark rust. That's crazy.
Roan
It's kind of nice.
Harry
Why don't you just grow that, bitch?
Roan
Everyone wonders this, why I don't grow a beard. I don't know. I've just even let it.
Mark Normand
Stubble. Like. You got the cleanest shave today. Okay. But I've never seen you with any kind of.
Sass
Yeah, I don't think I have either.
Roan
Yeah, you definitely have.
Sass
I definitely. I would remember this rust if I saw it.
Harry
No, it is. I've seen it once. An incredible rust.
Roan
Yeah, I've got a rust and now it's got flecks of gray and it's quite distinguished.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Harry
Why not let that thing go?
Roan
Well, the first. The first problem is that I have really sensitive skin. So for two weeks, or maybe even three, it is the most uncomfortable thing in the world for me to get past this. It's like itchy and really, really miserable.
Sass
Yeah.
Roan
And then somehow you kind of break through the cloud cover and you're. You're in cruising altitude, and it's fine after that. But the other part of it, you know, full disclosure, I'm very vain. As you guys know. It rounds out my face.
Mark Normand
Oh, I see.
Roan
And I like having a little angular.
Mark Normand
I get it. I get it.
Harry
Be one of those dudes that, like, shaves their, like. Yeah.
Mark Normand
Angles.
Harry
The beard.
Sass
Sharp ass beard. A sharp beard, that'd be Dan Bilsarion beard.
Harry
And your pubes, are they quite. Quite rich in full.
Sass
Are those rusty as well?
Harry
Do you have rusty?
Roan
No, I shave those every day.
Harry
Oh, you have a landing strip. I forgot that you have a very thin landing strip.
Roan
Tic tac toe board currently losing.
Harry
Beautiful landing strip. But damn, I think just what was the longest you ever had it? Have you ever had, like. Is there a picture maybe of. Of like a really.
Mark Normand
Oh, here we go.
Harry
Yeah, I need to.
Mark Normand
Don't you. Don't you hate. I hate shaving. Like, that's like you got a straight razor right there. Yeah. You got to go to the barbershop every day. Yeah.
Harry
Sweetening Todd's every day.
Roan
I don't love shaving, but again, it's just like after three or four days, my face is so fucking Uncomfortable that
Sass
I shave every day?
Roan
No, I shave like every three days probably.
Mark Normand
Damn.
Roan
Yeah. I'll show you a picture. Here you go.
Harry
Yeah, I'm fucking struggling to grow this bitch ass, shitty fucking beard. You could easily have a thick ass rust on your face.
Roan
Look, just because I'm better than people at certain things doesn't mean I need to exercise that.
Sass
Do I wish I could grow a beard? Oh, you.
Mark Normand
Is this.
Sass
Is this as much as you go? I mean, it'll get like, it'll grow out, but it's just like patchy and grossing. It just looks like I haven't like showered.
Mark Normand
Right.
Harry
That's nasty.
Mark Normand
Hello.
Roan
Son of a boy. Dad. Fans, you're probably wondering where in the world is Francis? Well, I'm in Paris, France, in a beautiful hotel, sitting in the lap of luxury. And you could be too if you work with our partners over at Jack Pocket. Okay, folks, ordering lottery tickets has never been easier thanks to our partners at Jack Pocket. Whether you like to order Powerball Mega Million scratch off tickets, you can order them all on the Jackpocket lottery app. Jackpocket makes ordering tickets quick, simple and secure. And here's the best part. If you're new to Jackpocket, they've got a special offer just for you. Download the Jackpocket app. Sign up using code DAD2 and new Jackpocket customers who deposit $5 will get $10 in lottery credits instantly. That's right, get $10 in credits instantly when you deposit $5 on Jackpocket, America's number one lottery app. Again, Powerball Mega Millions scratch offs. Use jackpocket code DAD2Gambling Problem.
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Sass
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Mark Normand
So wait, what happened with the bike?
Harry
He just thought about it.
Mark Normand
Nothing happened.
Harry
He turned, he turned his shoulders and then he. And then he's like. He thought Better of it.
Roan
I realized that everything you said, which is that there were five of them, and, you know, I don't even know if what this woman had in her bag was particularly valuable.
Harry
She might have been in on it, trying to.
Sass
Maybe she robbed them. Maybe that was their b.
Harry
They were taking it back.
Mark Normand
Yeah. The problem with being a hero is I'll. I'll. I'm down to do some hero shit if I get a guaranteed news story.
Roan
Same.
Mark Normand
I don't want to do it for nothing.
Roan
Oh, there were. This was middle of the day. There were a lot of people around.
Mark Normand
All right, that helps.
Roan
And she was decent looking, so.
Mark Normand
Oh, that helps too.
Roan
You know, I could have gotten.
Harry
Just the satisfaction is awesome. It might just be enough to just know if you're that guy, if you're that principal for the rest of your life, you kind of feel pretty good about yourself.
Roan
Yeah, but he knew.
Sass
He definitely knew that camera was there.
Mark Normand
Yeah, he documented.
Harry
He waited till the guy got in frame.
Sass
Yeah, yeah. He was like, there's one right over by this bench. Just take him out here.
Mark Normand
Is that rolling?
Sass
He's. He's looking right at the camera while he's removing the gun.
Mark Normand
Yeah. Like, I bet that's his wallpaper now on his phone. Yeah, definitely.
Sass
He's probably like. I feel like if you do that once, like, you're just waiting for the second time now. Yeah. You're walking around all day just waiting to tackle someone.
Harry
Yeah.
Mark Normand
And it sucks, too, if you're in the grocery store and somebody breaks in, everybody's like,
Sass
the hero.
Mark Normand
Right?
Roan
You go, this is me with a.
Mark Normand
Oh, that looks great. Oh, wow. You look angular.
Harry
That's crazy. It's angular.
Sass
When is this from?
Mark Normand
Way hotter there.
Roan
This is from 2018.
Sass
No, I get what you. You're definitely. I feel like it's decently round.
Mark Normand
All right.
Sass
You look decently rounded.
Harry
That's crazy.
Sass
That doesn't even look like you.
Harry
I know.
Mark Normand
See, that guy would have stopped the kids on the bike.
Roan
Sure. What if they wouldn't have taken it?
Mark Normand
No, no.
Sass
They would have seen you across.
Roan
Oh, my God. There's a Viking over there.
Mark Normand
Yeah, exactly. What?
Harry
Bro, you're up so bad by not having.
Mark Normand
I agree.
Sass
That's crazy. I never. I never do it.
Harry
Yeah. Hey, hey. Do it.
Mark Normand
Do it.
Roan
I'm not against it. You know, I'm not going down on anyone these days.
Mark Normand
You will with that thing. Oh.
Roan
My point is, I don't want to cause irritation.
Sass
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mark Normand
Get out of here. Excuses.
Roan
Beard burn.
Harry
You would be a Hero.
Roan
No, I'm saying I'm open. I'm open to do it now because there's nobody lined up.
Mark Normand
We need a female poll. We need, like, a Twitter poll of him with.
Harry
Can you send that to both of those pictures to producers just so they have it to put into the show?
Roan
Men love beards on other men. I don't know if women do. I actually don't know the answer to that.
Mark Normand
We could ask, but I assume you have no female listeners.
Sass
Listeners, yeah, not a lot.
Roan
We have a few. We got a couple. Yeah, we do have a few, but. But they're. They're few and far between.
Mark Normand
Got it.
Harry
It's because Sass is a heartthrob is really what that is.
Roan
What it is. Women go crazy.
Mark Normand
Oh, is that right?
Roan
Yeah, they really do. Every. I get messages from women being like, hey, can you pass on this picture of my breasts to Harry? And I'm like, yeah, sure, I'll make sure he gets it. I don't send it. Print it.
Mark Normand
Well, you got the little. The cute boy thing. Yeah, we really like boy men.
Sass
When I was younger, I have. I had a lot of girl fans, but now it's pretty much just dudes. You go to the shows and it's just a bunch of dudes. Right, Francis?
Harry
Do girls come to shows like that? Like, would your women fan come to your shows early on?
Mark Normand
Matt Rife. That's all his fan.
Sass
Yeah, it's all girls.
Harry
That is.
Sass
I'm trying to think, like, I remember, like, maybe, like, when I was really young, there would be, like, a lot of girls at the shows, but now it's. I would say that, like, there are girls at the shows now, but it's usually girls that are there with, like, their boyfriends or something, and they're pissed.
Mark Normand
Right, Right.
Sass
Not happy at all.
Roan
The girls aren't.
Sass
No, no.
Roan
Because they're there with their boyfriend, so they can't come up to you.
Sass
Exactly.
Harry
Dude. I just. I just. I didn't even put. Put it together that you have your new show that came out. It's fucking sick. With all the bald dudes.
Roan
I was talking about that.
Harry
That's so good. That's. That's such a creative concept.
Mark Normand
Thanks. Yeah, we're shooting three more episodes tomorrow, so.
Sass
Oh, hell yeah.
Mark Normand
Yeah. We got a Chinese businessman, hookers, and I think white supremacists. Really? Yeah, those are the groups. So that's gonna get.
Sass
That's crazy. How did you find, like, a. That many white supremacists?
Roan
How did you find that?
Mark Normand
Well, you Just throw out, like, a Craigslist type casting thing. And people want to be on TV and have clicks so bad. They're like, yeah, I'm a white supremacist.
Roan
Do you almost doubt whether they're being authentic or not?
Mark Normand
I think so, but I think there's more white supremacists than you think.
Sass
Oh, yeah, definitely.
Harry
But that want to come on camera.
Mark Normand
Yeah. Well, I mean, once you're. It's kind of cool because they're like, yeah, I'm racist. Of course. Like, everyone else like, I'm not racist. Don't cancel me. But they're all like, crazy. Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I be racist? What are you, nuts?
Sass
Maybe they'll have, like, the gators on, you know, the masks. Oh, yeah, just fucking 40 dudes with masks on.
Mark Normand
It's like J6, you know, they're like, yeah, I'll go to J6.
Harry
Yeah.
Sass
Yeah, why not?
Harry
So what is the. How'd that premise come to be? Like, where's that come from?
Mark Normand
You know, it's funny. I pitched it for years. I was like, oh, this should be a show. It's like a simple concept, and everybody's like, ah, how you gonna get all those people? It's never gonna work. And I pitched all these networks. They all said no. I was at a comedy club and a guy came up to me. He's like, yeah, if you ever have any ideas, you know how they always do that?
Sass
Yeah.
Mark Normand
And I told him the idea, and he was like, that's it. We're doing it. And I was like, you do all the work. I'm sick of it. And he got everything settled, and that was it. We shot it. And it worked.
Harry
Yeah, it worked. It did great. Yeah, it's going good.
Mark Normand
Thanks.
Roan
You hosted? Are you producing? What are you doing?
Mark Normand
I just didn't want to do anything. So I said, I'll do a set or, you know, on each show, but I don't want to, like, have to promote it or book it or any of that. Yeah. They were like, okay, fine. Because that's how they get you. They always go, oh, you won't do anything. And then they're like, we need you to go on this. This show and talk about it, whatever. But, yeah, I didn't. These guys, this is a company called Unicorn. They're like a production company, and they made it and they did all the work. They edited it. Yeah, they're great. They killed it.
Harry
They have some really good shows.
Roan
Brandon Barrera is my feature on the road, and he's been doing it. I think he's on. He's. He opened. He hosts it or something.
Mark Normand
Yeah, yeah, he was a great host.
Roan
Yeah, he's awesome.
Mark Normand
The beauty of him was he would go out after the show and do like a Q and A and it was the shit. These women said. These Gen Z chicks were fascinating.
Harry
What, like, is there. How much do you have to change what you're about to say to any group? Or are you just doing your material right down the middle? Like, are you tailoring it for the group?
Mark Normand
No, I mean, I only have what I have. So I just do my act and see how it. See how it goes.
Sass
I mean, who do you think is going to be the hardest tomorrow? Like I feel like white supremacists, I feel like will be easy.
Mark Normand
Super easy.
Sass
Yeah, yeah.
Mark Normand
Girls is always going to be the hardest.
Sass
I feel like hookers might be tough.
Mark Normand
Hookers could be tough because I don't think they're going to care or listen.
Sass
Yeah, I don't think they're going to know what's really happening.
Roan
No, not unless you, you know.
Mark Normand
Right.
Roan
You know, that's what they listen to.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Sass
Maybe if a couple jokes fall flat, just raise the hand.
Harry
Do you pay that. Do you pay the hookers to come?
Mark Normand
Yeah, we give them a couple bucks and we say, you're going to be on YouTube.
Harry
And is it like their rate?
Mark Normand
No, no, thank God. We give them drinks. We'll say, we'll say it's gonna be a good time. You have a, have a fun show. Yeah, there's interesting. A lot of lonely people with nothing to do in this city.
Sass
Yeah, makes sense.
Harry
That many lonely hookers is crazy.
Mark Normand
Yeah. I think they're like, hey, I get to not get, you know.
Sass
Yeah, this is way better. Just get to sit in a chair.
Mark Normand
I can't wait for the Chinese businessman to be like. Like hookers. See them in the lobby.
Sass
It's gonna be a slow turnover between show one and two.
Mark Normand
Right, right. Wait a second.
Sass
Clearing out the room's gonna take a while.
Mark Normand
But it really is wild how different. I mean you put it's group think you put different people in a, in a show. Same material, completely different reaction.
Harry
Like 1, one of the early ones you did. I forget all the groups that you did, but it was a group that I was like, I don't know if these people are gonna laugh. Like, I don't know if this humor is like for them, but it's like you kind of like slowly got them like one by one. Who was it? Was it like.
Mark Normand
It was Gen Z girls.
Harry
Was it Gen Z Girls?
Mark Normand
Yeah. And like, here's what's scared about the Gen Z chicks was there was two in the front who hated us. Arms folded.
Harry
You.
Mark Normand
You're offensive. You're problematic. But there was three Long island in the back who just loved everything. They were like, go darker, Go harder. And then. Then when they did the Q A, the two girls in the front who were super, like, you know, kind of wokey and whatever, they. They made everyone else feel bad for enjoying it. And then the Long island girls were like, we're sorry, you're right. They were problematic. And it was like, oh, my God, it's scary to watch them have a good time. And then. Then they started to be like, I don't want to look like an. So you're right, they were bad.
Sass
Yeah. Yeah.
Mark Normand
And that's what was the scariest part, is that, like, they dominated them and made them change their tune.
Roan
It's a sort of, like, sociolog. But, like, do you think that there's anything about maybe if the Long island girls had been in the front and those other girls had been in the back, maybe the maybe crowd would have followed that. And maybe, you know, I think. Do you think the, like, angry is always going to win?
Mark Normand
I think the angry wins because they were the loudest. You know, the squeaky wheel thing that they were like, no, no. That one girl be like, I thought it was funny. And the other girl's like, well, maybe you're a problem. Maybe you're a bigot. And she was like, okay, you're right. And. And it's kind of a microcosm of, like, Twitter, especially if they're like.
Sass
If you're on camera, and they're not usually on camera, probably like, yeah, I don't want this coming out. And everyone's gonna think I'm, like, racist.
Mark Normand
Exactly, exactly. And you want to go, hey, you psycho. We're just doing jokes, you retards. Relax.
Roan
It's funny because, as I'm sure you know, or like, we've all experienced, is that, for me, an audience that has, like, is diverse, has black people in it. Those shows are always better.
Harry
Way better.
Mark Normand
The black woman loved it.
Roan
And because when. When you do a joke that's edgy or something, like, often white people will nervously check out of the corner of their eye to see if the black people are laughing. And then they are, and it allows. It's like, permission that everyone can laugh.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Roan
Whereas it sounds like with just the Gen Z girls, they're gonna follow the leader of the anger.
Mark Normand
Yeah. And again, it's like you said, everyone wants to look on the up and up, you know, Nobody wants to be called a racist on camera.
Sass
Except for the white supremacists.
Mark Normand
Yeah. They're on board.
Harry
Yeah. They didn't call me a racist on camera. Pissed off after the fact. Damn, that's gonna be sick.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Harry
Great concept.
Mark Normand
Hey, thanks, man.
Sass
I wonder if they, like. Do you think, like, the. Like, they. Any of those guys, like, link up after the show, like, the.
Mark Normand
Probably. Yeah.
Sass
You get, like, 40 Chinese businessmen in one room.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Harry
You're gonna get a stadium.
Sass
So they're probably like, yeah, let's go get some drinks.
Mark Normand
They're networking. Yeah.
Sass
Talk shop.
Mark Normand
Yeah, true.
Harry
They got to. I ate this weekend at a restaurant in Brooklyn called the river cafe.
Mark Normand
Oh, I've been there.
Harry
I saw you there one time from afar, and. And I didn't want to. It's such a nice restaurant. You're not gonna bother somebody.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Harry
At that restaurant. But how sick is that restaurant?
Mark Normand
That's a beauty. I mean, that's a panty dropper.
Harry
It is 100. It's like a timeless old New York.
Mark Normand
It's crazy expensive.
Harry
Yes, it is. But it's all right.
Mark Normand
Yeah. It was really cool. Really pretty. Brought. Brought the wife. I think I was in trouble, so I had to, like, you know, there.
Harry
It's the perfect. If you're in trouble, that's the perfect. Get out of jail.
Mark Normand
Yeah. And dumbo's just awesome.
Harry
Yeah, it's lovely. Sass. You gotta go to the river cafe.
Sass
Yeah, definitely. At some point.
Roan
Harry, go to the river cafe.
Harry
Wear your Jeff cap. But it's the kind of place you have to dress up nicely. And I've seen them before. They. They'll rent out suit jackets to dudes there who come up underdress. They have, like, a white suit jacket that they'll rent out.
Sass
Humiliated.
Harry
So humiliating.
Sass
A white one.
Harry
You stick out like a sore thumb. And I saw the guy trying to take it off, and the mater d came over to his table, was like, you need to wear that.
Sass
I would just go home. I'd be like, this is mortifying.
Harry
Yeah, it's fudgeing nuts. You have to. I mean, I guess you got to
Sass
dress up wearing fudgeing, like, the. Like, just, like, corduroy pants and a white blazer.
Harry
They're, like, thumbing the corduroy, like, I don't know, sir. Not quite sure.
Mark Normand
There's a weird concept. We require this. And then you show up you don't have it. They're like, we'll give you one. Yeah, we do that with money. I don't have any money for the bill.
Harry
That is. It is not. I mean, it's nice to dress up, but if you're not dressed up, I don't know, you're kind of.
Mark Normand
Yeah. You're wearing a stinky jacket.
Sass
Yeah, I don't like dressing. I don't like dressing up to go get food because then you got. Then you're. Then you're. Then you eat.
Roan
Does it need to be going. Going to get food?
Sass
No, no, I don't like dressing up, but I don't like dressing up especially to eat, because then you eat and then you're full and then you got a suit on.
Mark Normand
Suit on? Yeah. Bursting through it and you spill something on it.
Sass
Oh, yeah.
Mark Normand
That sucks.
Harry
Reaching for in the jacket, too. It's like you're kind of, like, hulking out. It's like tough on the elbows.
Mark Normand
So true.
Harry
I know you love that, Francis.
Roan
None of my dress clothes fit anymore. None of them do, really.
Mark Normand
Put on a few lbs.
Roan
Yeah.
Sass
I'm getting fat as yoked right now. He's up to 220.
Roan
I am 224 now.
Harry
Jesus Christ.
Roan
Normally fly around at like 210, 208 when I'm chasing people on city bikes.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Roan
And right now, I'm just way above my fighting weight, which I'm not happy about. Well, I'm okay with it.
Harry
We got to get your body fat percentage.
Roan
I looked up. I looked up, like, how the most efficient ways to cut on YouTube and all the videos. Yeah, it's vertical after some aspirin in a tub. But no, the. You know, all the videos were like 20 to 30 minutes.
Mark Normand
They always do that.
Roan
It really drives and drives me. I'm like, I need one minute of telling me what to do.
Mark Normand
What about Chat gbt?
Harry
Exactly. Just ask Chat gbt. That's the kind of. You should be using it for. Just some stupid mindless thing where you could get the answer right away.
Sass
Then they just give you, like. It gives you the wrong answer.
Mark Normand
It'll just.
Sass
It'll just tell you, like, doesn't matter what you eat.
Mark Normand
Can we look?
Harry
Let's look it up in real time here.
Roan
I lost all faith and. Yeah, he thinks it's all wrong. Everything they say is wrong.
Sass
Well, it's just, it. It's wrong so often that it makes it hard to trust it for anything.
Mark Normand
Right. Which gives me hope because I'm like, all right, it's wrong still.
Sass
Yeah, exactly. It's wrong. It's wrong. And like, have you seen those videos we were talking about? Have you seen those videos of the kid that'll, like, talk to chat? Oh, they're so funny.
Harry
I think he does with unicorn too.
Roan
I think.
Mark Normand
Oh, really?
Harry
He does stuff with unicorn too?
Mark Normand
Yeah, yeah.
Sass
He'll put on, like, he'll just, like, show his face and he'll be like, look at this, like, hideous, like, face filter I have on. And then chat GPT will be like, yeah, you look, like, disgusting.
Harry
And then he's like, I don't have a filter on. He just catches them line.
Roan
Damn, this hat is actually sick.
Harry
Yeah, it looks nice.
Mark Normand
Take it.
Harry
Take it down to golf.
Roan
I'm gonna wear. I'm gonna grow a beard and wear hats from now on.
Sass
That's not a bad idea.
Harry
So nice.
Mark Normand
That's a good call.
Roan
That's who I am now.
Harry
Just be a sovereign citizen. Just be, like, a guy who. Who knows his rights and, like, films and post offices and like that.
Roan
I love that.
Mark Normand
So did you guys have a boy dad? Like, what does that mean? Your dad was just a deadbeat or a. What is the boy dad?
Sass
The boy dad thing doesn't really come from anything. I guess it was. We started the show. I don't remember how long ago.
Harry
Five years ago.
Roan
Five years ago.
Sass
And it was just me and Roan in the beginning, and he came up with the name, but it was, I guess, a play on.
Harry
It's just a fucking retarded dumbass name. Has nothing to do with anything.
Sass
I guess, like, the idea is that we're all sons of boy dads, technically.
Mark Normand
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Sass
Yeah. So it's very inclusive.
Mark Normand
Okay. Got it.
Roan
It's quite circular, too.
Sass
Yeah, exactly.
Harry
Everyone's a son of a boy dad every time.
Sass
It's a podcast for everybody, buddy.
Mark Normand
Got it.
Harry
We're all dudes. It was when Kobe was really pushing the. The girl dad thing and people really. That.
Sass
No, that was. That was after he died, though.
Harry
Yeah, but it was. But it's like girl dad. Like, he. He popularized being a girl dad. Girl dad. Like, where's the boy dads?
Mark Normand
He's a real helicopter parent. We're having fun.
Harry
We're having fun. It's funny. It's fun.
Mark Normand
Is that. Is that a Rogan way, right? It is. That's funny.
Sass
That is. I bought that. It was like $500.
Mark Normand
What?
Roan
Every time he says it, the price goes up.
Harry
What was it? What was it?
Sass
It was 400 it was like 350.
Roan
We can't have it on our table because the cameras focus on his face.
Mark Normand
You got Blackface Rogan.
Roan
Yeah.
Sass
I thought it was really funny when I bought it, and then it just kind of became a weight to hold the carpet down.
Harry
It's not even doing a good job of that. That carpet is still curling.
Sass
Yeah, the carpet's still coming up.
Roan
But the iron ironic thing is that all this weight that I've put on comes from the fact that I got into kettlebell workouts as watching them from Rogan and other people on Instagram and stuff.
Mark Normand
So you are more weight from muscle.
Roan
It's. I think it's mostly muscle.
Mark Normand
Oh, that's good.
Roan
Yeah, but I don't look good. I just look like I'm ready to tell people they can't come into a bar.
Sass
But isn't that what we're all striving for?
Harry
Yeah, that's not apex male.
Sass
To be able to tell someone, I
Roan
want to look like I'm for the season.
Sass
Yeah.
Harry
Golf season.
Roan
No, like football season. I want to look like I'm ready for football.
Sass
You're gonna have to keep gaining weight then.
Roan
Came back from ota. No, I'm receiver. You know what I mean? I want to look like a receiver.
Sass
Devonte Smith.
Roan
A.J. brown.
Mark Normand
That's a big year.
Sass
Weight, then.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Harry
You're 62.
Sass
40.
Roan
This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Life is a journey. Some feel. Some days feel good. Some days feel bad. So many of you have reached out to me, Francis, and asked me for help on your mental health journeys. And while I'm very honored and flattered to be solicited for such advice because I've been transparent about my own mental health issues and the benefits that I've received from working with a therapist, I'm not exactly equipped. I can only go so far. If you really want trained, licensed professionals, you need to go to BetterHelp. Okay. BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. If you aren't happy with your match, switch to a different therapist at any time from their tailored recommendations. And it works with an average rating of 4.9 out of 5 for a live session based on over 1.7 million client reviews. You don't have to be on this journey alone. Find support and have someone with you in therapy. Sign up and get 10% off@betterhelp.com sun that's betterhelp.com Sun it's never too early to start your mental health journey. Good luck. You think? AJ, how tall is he?
Harry
He's six. 1, 2, 20, 225 or something like that.
Mark Normand
All right.
Roan
That's not that far off from where I'm at.
Sass
Well, you're like six three.
Roan
Yeah.
Harry
This is. There's no need for you to be walking around like this.
Roan
6, 1, 2, 28. This is what we want. This is who I want to be. I'm gonna get a bunch of tattoos.
Harry
Why is he so shiny?
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Sass
Why is he glistening?
Roan
Came from a Diddy party.
Mark Normand
That guy would have stopped a bike thief. Yeah, definitely. Or was he the stand in the
Sass
middle of the land?
Harry
He was probably just flying away on the bike train.
Sass
Like, that's what it said on the video.
Harry
What did it say?
Sass
That was the title of the thumbnail just said train. Like, like he's like a train.
Mark Normand
Oh, who's a freak?
Harry
Yeah, there's no, no reason to be walking around like that. It's just disrespectful to everybody else.
Sass
It's also a full time job.
Mark Normand
Yeah, like that. Yes.
Sass
Like, you got to be training every day. Consist and like, you know, not just, not just one kettlebell workout.
Roan
I want to be. I want to be like the one on the right. On the right.
Harry
DK Metcalf.
Roan
DK Eats less candy still.
Mark Normand
That's true.
Harry
Yeah. He has a. He eats one meal a day and like a bunch of candy. I refuse to believe that.
Sass
There's no way he's eating one meal a day unless the meal is like 20,000 calories.
Harry
Incredible bodies, Mark. Let me ask you this.
Mark Normand
Sorry. A little distracted.
Harry
You're walking through the city of New York. You ever look at dude's packages? You ever look.
Mark Normand
All the time.
Harry
Dudes. Balls.
Mark Normand
Constantly.
Harry
Balls and dick.
Mark Normand
Yeah. The gray sweatpants. Guys walking around. I always have to take a check.
Harry
You have to. I really feel like dudes are just really flaunting their penises in this day and age. And it's like, I don't know. I. I don't know if it's like disrespectful or respectful to. To just like get.
Mark Normand
Get a.
Harry
Get a sense of their penis.
Mark Normand
Yeah, I'm. I'm a urinal looker. Oh, yeah.
Harry
I'll go the extra or even urinal. Wow.
Mark Normand
Well, I'm very insecure with my genitalia, so I have to know where I'm at that.
Harry
Oh, always assessing. Always assessing the people around you. The Barstow, Chicago office just got a trough.
Mark Normand
Like an old school trough. Don't let me in there.
Harry
You're just gonna camp out. Let's examine it. Just posted up with a stool in the trough.
Mark Normand
And you know, I'm not. I'm not huge. I'm not tiny, but, you know where I get is my balls are saggy, so I don't get that ball lift. You know, like when you're a tight ball. Yeah, we. Tight ball. It pushes up the dong so you get that little. Little lump.
Sass
I'm the always talk about. I got real long balls.
Mark Normand
Same hang. What's wrong with us?
Harry
Like a necklace in, like a. A jewelry store window house. Just like perched up there underneath the lights.
Roan
Yeah.
Harry
You need a nice, tight sack for that.
Mark Normand
Yeah. So I think I would have a decent bulge if I had a. Had a good sack, but my sack
Harry
is on my knees that Sass's problems has been going. And Sass has been going through this for the last five years since we've had this show. He's always had long balls. Yeah, at the bottom of your pants right now.
Sass
It is true, though. They don't. They don't. There's no prop. What?
Mark Normand
Right. No prop up.
Sass
Just a hang.
Mark Normand
Sometimes in a cold pool, you get a prop when you get out that. That feels pretty good.
Harry
But is there a way that you can, like, shorten the string? You know what I mean? Shorten the yo yo string and pull them up? Or is it like. Is it pure?
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Harry
Nut lift. Get the lift. Girls can get a boob job. We can't just get our nuts.
Mark Normand
Like, we should hit it with Botox. Botox.
Harry
Francis, you've been conspicuously quiet. I know you got a tight sack.
Roan
No, I don't.
Mark Normand
Sack as bald as your cheek.
Harry
He's got a bald sitting on an orange. No droop to his sack at all.
Sass
It's not good.
Roan
It's the same.
Harry
It's a cartoon penis.
Roan
My sack is above my penis. No, it's. It's the same that your guys is describing. In fact, I. I had a doctor's appointment a long time ago now where they were like, that's too long. These are so long that you. You could be affecting your sperm count.
Sass
Whoa, really?
Harry
Because they're nowhere near your body. Yeah, like a lawyer's desk.
Roan
We're gonna need to monitor this because I remember there was some medical thing they were quite concerned about. And then I saw a different primary care physician years later, and the guy was like, you're okay. But it has always worried me. I think that.
Harry
How do they check that? Were they just like.
Roan
Yeah, I mean, it's not for nothing that, you know, in order for me to come sexually, I need Sexually.
Mark Normand
Thanks for adding that.
Roan
I need them hoisted a little bit.
Mark Normand
I need them by the lady.
Roan
Yeah. Not need it, it just helps.
Mark Normand
I enjoy a hoist.
Roan
I. I need the. I need the dumbwaiter.
Harry
Yeah.
Roan
It's a bit like, you know, when you were a kid and you'd get to the bottom of the giant water cooler in sports and there was only a little bit left and you'd lift the whole thing to tilt it. Yes, I need them lifted so they're closer to the sound.
Harry
Oh. To like spill it like your water in a plant at the end of sex.
Mark Normand
Do you throw your balls on the coach?
Harry
There's a really good.
Mark Normand
Yeah. Ball. Ball play is great, but women like a tight sack. They don't want that weird over easy pendulum.
Sass
Yeah.
Harry
Yeah. They love a tight sack and I. I just wish they would be more open about it. Like you hear it from time to time, but that's got to be one of their main things.
Roan
Well, this is why I only have sex with. With my pants on through the fly.
Mark Normand
Oh, nice.
Sass
Hide the sack completely.
Roan
Yeah. Well, I need the oral or I'll have it with my underwear on and I'll go through the thing because I have a built in shelf in this.
Sass
I see.
Harry
Yeah.
Sass
You're automatically being lifted.
Harry
Oh. Because you're a brief man.
Roan
They told me. They told me I had to be a brief guy when that, When I had that issue with the.
Mark Normand
Whoa.
Roan
They were like, you got a switch. Whatever you're doing is just. It's not. It's dragging them down.
Sass
Maybe that's my issue because I got. No. I have no support at all. I'm. I wear big boxers.
Mark Normand
Oh, that's. No, that's large.
Sass
It's like a pair of shorts.
Roan
You might as well tie like a kettlebell to them.
Mark Normand
There you go.
Harry
Yeah.
Sass
What is that? Jelking?
Harry
Is that tying it to your balls or is that tying it to your. Your bird?
Sass
I think it's your penis. Yeah.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Harry
Are you familiar with Gel king?
Mark Normand
Is that where you put a weight on there? Yeah, I've seen that.
Harry
Yeah. Which seems like a timeless technique, but it seems like it also is like experiencing a rebirth. Like more people are. The youth are finding joke.
Sass
Youth are getting into Jail King at a rapid pace.
Roan
There was a famous pianist, I can't remember a composer who. Who wished that he could have a wider. His hands weren't big enough to play like tenths or whatever. And it bothered him so he started putting his hands in these like. Like spacers and it up his hands to the degree that he could no longer play.
Mark Normand
Whoa.
Sass
Yeah, that's not. That's not that surprise. I'm not surprised by that. It feels like that's kind of a recipe for disaster.
Roan
Yeah.
Sass
But then rock probably works similar with Jelking as well.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Sass
Just stops working. We've doubled in size in the last month.
Roan
Rachmaninoff had huge hands. Famously.
Mark Normand
Interesting.
Harry
That's why Kawhi Leonard's so good at piano.
Sass
Yeah.
Roan
Six.
Mark Normand
Six. Yeah. That's rare in the 13th century.
Sass
Yeah. That's crazy. Imagine being six, six back then. They probably just. You're probably just. People are probably just trying to kill you all the time.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Sass
Just trying to drink your blood, witch.
Harry
Jesus Christ.
Roan
Tyler, who was the guy, the. The pianist who up his hands by trying to make them bigger anytime you. Schumann. Yeah, there you go. Yeah. Schumann. It's really too bad. Great composer.
Harry
Oh, really Tiny little hands, though.
Sass
Had to switch to composing after he destroyed his hands.
Roan
I might be thinking of Schubert maybe.
Sass
Oh, yeah. He's got tiny little hands.
Harry
The Asian ladies that would bind their feet, they would it up in the kind of the inverse way of that they try to have like the cute little tight feet the way that I think. I guess Asian men were like women of today. They just like a tight little foot like we the women. Like a tight ball sack. Maybe it's just you wanted like a little speck of a foot foot.
Mark Normand
Yeah. It's feminine, I guess, but I'm not a foot. I wish I was a foot guy.
Harry
Yeah.
Mark Normand
Got it made because people give it
Harry
away for free by accident.
Mark Normand
Exactly. Flip flops and open toe barefoot. They're all. They're all out there.
Sass
Yeah. Feet. Doesn't that. That doesn't do it for me.
Mark Normand
Nothing?
Sass
Nothing.
Mark Normand
I've stared at them like, come on. It's like gay porn where you're like, maybe something will happen.
Roan
Yeah.
Harry
It would just be so much more simple.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Sass
If anything, it has the opposite effect. Like the. It's more gross same than anything else.
Harry
I don't.
Sass
I'm not. I just don't really want to see anyone's feet.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Harry
Just.
Mark Normand
I don't care.
Harry
But there's some people. I mean, Hollywood, you know, Jersey Jerry. Jersey Jerry. Yeah. There's a guy who works for us that got caught, but then he got foot foot fished and like a man put his foot under or something and he like got horny from it. And it was like just a dude's foot. It's like, oh, you're gay now.
Mark Normand
Wow.
Roan
Yeah.
Harry
Who end up gay.
Mark Normand
You think you'd see, like the little it. Yeah.
Harry
Look at those feet on the right. Those are the ones that got him. That was like, oh, those are hot ass feet.
Roan
Those are big cats.
Sass
Yeah. He shaved his head. He shaved his feet.
Mark Normand
Oh, what?
Harry
Big cat. Nice foot. I guess it's nice.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Harry
Big toe looks a little bit.
Mark Normand
The anklet on. That's a Fred Flintstone on the left.
Sass
I totally forgot that Jerry did this.
Harry
Yeah, he got visibly horny on camera. Like he started salivating and then it's
Roan
like, what was the name of the show?
Mark Normand
That's great.
Harry
That's great.
Mark Normand
Now, is there a female body part that you think is underrated? I like, you know, I'm not talking tits, but even legs.
Harry
Vagina.
Sass
I guess I'm just into the standards.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Harry
The small of the back, that's a good one.
Roan
I like the. The nape of the neck.
Harry
Neck.
Mark Normand
Ooh, the nape.
Roan
Where there's. Especially when they have their hair up and there's just a little bit of sort of fuzz.
Mark Normand
Ah, statutory nape. I'm a shoulder clavicle guy.
Harry
This.
Mark Normand
This area right here on a woman. Really? Oh, it drives me crazy. Yeah.
Harry
But what if they're like Ron Artest, like broad, like, clavicle, like. Or is it any clavicle will do it for you or just like a really nice.
Mark Normand
It's like anything. There's good clavicles and bad clavicles. Like I saw a woman the other day with that tube top thing where it just ends right here. Had these tan, kind of tight, muscular, almost shoulder. It looked great. It was. It was very hot.
Harry
A nice clavicle.
Mark Normand
Good clav.
Harry
Interesting.
Sass
Good collar bones.
Mark Normand
Interesting collar, daddy.
Harry
There's some people that are. That are super anti knee that are like disgusted by knees. That's like a phobia. Or like they. They're like. They get the quote unquote ick from knees. And I guess knees look pretty weird.
Sass
I guess.
Mark Normand
Yeah, I guess they do look kind of weird. Weird.
Sass
I don't know if it would be a make or break for me, though. No.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Harry
Or if there's guys who are. Who love it, who are like beating off to the back of tiger.
Roan
Isn't it amazing how much an ankle can. Can make or break a woman, though?
Mark Normand
No way.
Sass
Sounds like that's your thing.
Harry
Oh, you're saying you hate a cankle?
Roan
That's what I'm saying.
Harry
You hate it.
Mark Normand
Ankles are tough.
Roan
Yeah.
Harry
But that's like. I don't know. There's a sturdiness to a cankle.
Mark Normand
True.
Harry
That, you know, kind of suggests that they could maybe have, like, 14 or 15 kids or something. Or walk from Venezuela.
Mark Normand
She's not getting pushed off her bike.
Harry
There's something very respectable about a cankle. You hate it.
Roan
I just don't love the idea that, like, if you cut their feet off, you could just stick them into a lawn and they'd be there, like, protecting against pigeons or something.
Harry
You want something fragile that can't really run away or make cuts in the woods or anything like that.
Mark Normand
I mean.
Roan
Well, I prefer athletic, but, yeah, sure, all of the above.
Sass
You should do a show where you got it. You get a bunch of people with. What is this? Genophobia.
Roan
How do you pronounce Genuphobia?
Mark Normand
Oh, wow.
Sass
And then just have all the comics wear shorts.
Mark Normand
Right. They might be harder to find, but
Harry
yeah, that's what like, Maury turned into after a while. Mori just, like, would bring out cats to people who had, like, a cat phobia and they would just sprint off.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Harry
Like, why would you even go on Mori if that's the thing that, you know, that you're advertising, you know that they're gonna. With you.
Sass
I mean, this has to be pretty tough to even live with, right? Nausea or panic attacks at the side of sight of knees.
Roan
What if it turned out that this is what Harry had?
Sass
Yeah.
Roan
And all this time he's been like, yeah, I just. Every time I have a meal, I don't know, I. I get diarrhea. It's like, no, dude, you've just been around people with knees too much lately.
Harry
People's knees.
Sass
Turns out it was the knees that was getting me.
Mark Normand
Any phobias over here?
Harry
Not a phobia, but my thing that would make me sprint off the stage at Mori is when people rub two pieces of Styrofo together. Oh, it like.
Mark Normand
Oh, that's a good one.
Harry
It, like, gets me, like. It. It, like, gets underneath my skin. Like, I can't even compose myself when I hear it.
Mark Normand
Wow.
Harry
It's foul to me.
Mark Normand
Is that interesting?
Sass
I get a weird thing with cars.
Mark Normand
Come on.
Roan
Yeah.
Mark Normand
What? What the. Yeah, it's tough inside. Or just see being.
Sass
Being in them.
Mark Normand
Being in the right city, I guess.
Sass
Yeah.
Harry
You a phobia of cars.
Roan
Does it bother you when you're driving them?
Sass
No, not really. Being in the passenger.
Roan
Dude, I have a. I have this, too. I have this, too. I don't trust the person Driving.
Sass
It's not even like that. I'm not like even afraid of crashing. I guess it's just being in call. I don't know. I mean I had a bunch of panic attacks in cars when I was younger.
Mark Normand
What?
Sass
And then since then. Yeah, since then it's just been.
Harry
Is it claustrophobia?
Sass
It might be like some sort of form of that it has something to do with being in the car and not being able to get out of the car.
Harry
Do you feel it when you're on bike, a boat? Like,
Mark Normand
no.
Sass
But like I. I think that I'm going to like when we went on the fish week, I was, the whole time I was like, it's going to be a disaster. I'm going to freak out. I just get like. I think I just have like a panic disorder. And then I just like don't like being stuck.
Mark Normand
Right, right.
Sass
Like even like comedy, like being on stage. Like if I have to do like 15 minutes, I'm not nervous at all.
Roan
All.
Sass
But when I have to do a longer amount of time, I'm like, I'm going to be up there for a while.
Mark Normand
Whoa. Like traffic is horrible.
Sass
Like it honestly like depends on the day. Cuz sometimes I'll just be on my phone and I won't give a. But then other days I'll be in the back of the car and I'll be like, I got to crack the window.
Mark Normand
Got it.
Sass
Gasping for air.
Mark Normand
I'd love to get you and you and car with Tiger Woods. Yeah. See what happens. Road trip.
Harry
Do you have anything, do you have anything that you're like, this is a little bit weird.
Mark Normand
But my only thing, like I'm, I'm weird. I'm not worried about cancer. I ride without a helmet. I don't think about anything. But home invasion scares the out of me. I'm in bed. Like, you ever wake up at like 2am like I'll do edibles at night and I'm high and I wake up and I'm like, what was that? I heard something. I swear to God I heard something, man. I have a cat. So then my cat will walk in the room and I'm like, really? I have all these game plans like you did, where I'm like, all right, here's what I'll do. I'll keep a pipe over here and then I'll keep a thing over there and I'll hit the guy with a potted plant or whatever. I've got all these scenarios in my head.
Sass
Are you like that even in the City.
Mark Normand
Oh yeah. I live in Brooklyn. The first week we moved into our apartment, I was like, because we have two floors. I was like, this is it. It's gonna happen.
Sass
Yeah.
Mark Normand
And oh my God, the city doesn't
Sass
get me as bad as the, like when I was growing up, I used to like my parents every night.
Roan
I hate to say it, Mark, but you know, I've lived in, you know, walk ups and whatever and moving into a doorman building, like that's pretty solved.
Mark Normand
That is good.
Sass
His place actually got broken into while he was asleep.
Roan
No, but that was not when I lived in a dorm.
Harry
I know, I know.
Roan
Yeah. I had a guy break into my apartment while I was asleep and I confronted him.
Mark Normand
Get the out of here.
Sass
Yeah.
Roan
I had to testify against him. Whoa. That grand jury.
Mark Normand
Sean lynch for half an hour. This is the good stuff. What happened? I mean I like, how did you, were you in your boxers?
Roan
I was naked.
Harry
His publess orange sack.
Mark Normand
Wow. Were you tight knit on the balls?
Roan
I had a sliding bedroom door and I, I, I was a, a small duplex. So they were like the bedroom in Chelsea.
Mark Normand
Oh, Chelsea.
Roan
The bed. It was the garden apartment. The bedroom was downstairs and like the living room kitchen were upstairs and I was in the bedroom. And then outside of my bedroom was my bureau, like my dresser or whatever in, in the hallway. And I heard someone pulling the drawers of the bureau open.
Mark Normand
Oh my Lord.
Roan
And I woke up and I, and you do that thing where you're like I must. Because 99 out of a hundred times.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Roan
Every other time in your life.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Roan
You're like, ah, I'm just imagining it.
Mark Normand
Oh.
Roan
And so you're like. And, and, and in those instances you're proving to yourself.
Mark Normand
Yes.
Roan
That you're imagining it. And then in this one it was like this is really happening. And I'm trying to prove. Does that make sense?
Mark Normand
I completely understand.
Roan
Anyway, so give me the whole thing. So I went quietly to the door and then listened and I, and then I like could really, I was certain. I mean the guy was four feet away. What if your drive was fueled by
Sass
with more like more protection for more
Mark Normand
time on the road.
Sass
Shelby Power Nitro plus provides more protection
Mark Normand
for longer lasting engines.
Roan
So it helps you keep your engine
Sass
running like new for whatever drive is ahead. Shelby Power Nitro engine performance that lasts compare to minimum detergent gasoline. With continuous use of Shelby Power Nitro plus and gasoline direct injection engines. Actual effects and benefits may vary. See Shell us us more protection for more information.
Roan
And so I didn't know what to do, really? I mean, there was no lock on the door. It was a sliding door. And so I opened it a crack and saw him.
Mark Normand
Oh, my God. What do you look like, Hasidic Jew?
Roan
I have a photo of him. What? Yeah, I took a picture of him. Fuck. I wonder if I can find this at the time.
Harry
You took a picture, didn't you took
Sass
a photo when you found him outside, right?
Roan
No, he went upstairs. I. Here it is. I found it. Perfect.
Sass
Damn, I'm fast.
Mark Normand
Well, you didn't snap it.
Roan
No, it was. Because it was right around the time when I was growing the beard, so I was already way back in my. In my. In my.
Sass
That's crazy. Whoa.
Mark Normand
A young Hispanic man.
Roan
Yeah, well, I don't know how young he was, okay? Because he died shortly after this.
Sass
Good.
Roan
This story is crazy. And I know his pose in this.
Harry
Send this. Can you send this to Tyler, too? We could black out his face or something. Always dead.
Roan
But did you know you can't defame a dead person?
Harry
What do you mean?
Roan
Legally, it is not possible to commit def. Defamation against.
Harry
How the. Do you know?
Roan
How do you. What do you. How do you think I know about this writing?
Harry
The book?
Roan
The blog.
Harry
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Sass
No, that makes sense.
Roan
Yeah.
Mark Normand
So you confronted him. What do you do there?
Roan
I had. I remember, decidedly keeping my. My penis like I was. It was like I was in the bathroom asking someone for a towel.
Mark Normand
Right, Right.
Roan
You know, I was like. And I went. I went, what are you doing? Whoa. And the guy goes, oh, sorry, I'm lost.
Mark Normand
Huh.
Roan
And then I was like, you're in my apartment and it's three in the morning. What the Are you doing doing? And he goes, chill out, man.
Mark Normand
I mean, you could have just shot him. How does he know you're not a psycho? He.
Roan
He was like. So maybe he was up or something. I don't know what it was, but he wasn't like, oh, I've been caught. I need to run.
Mark Normand
Yeah, yeah.
Harry
Even the picture. He's like,
Roan
what's the big deal in this picture?
Mark Normand
Let me finish.
Roan
He goes, why are you taking a picture of me? That's why he's saying. That's what he's saying.
Mark Normand
So you look.
Roan
And this one's blurry, but he's like, I'm having a conversation with him in the hall because he. All right, so he.
Mark Normand
He.
Roan
I had a door to the downstairs from the downstairs hallway that was like the basement.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Roan
Of the building. But then it didn't have an exit to the out Outside, or. So he had to get in the elevator to go up to the first floor to get out. So when he went out of my door, I knew he was going to get in the elevator. So then I, like, threw some shorts on and then ran up the stairs so that I could get a picture of him from my front entrance.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Roan
As he stepped out of the elevator. And that's where I'm confronting him there. And I remember taking the picture. And he goes, why are you taking a picture of me? And I was like, you're. You broke into my apartment at three in the morning, in the middle of the night. I was like, get the out of here, man. Like, what are you doing?
Mark Normand
And were you prepared to throw down? Because he could have.
Sass
Didn't you have a knife?
Harry
Yeah. Were you looking around your room for something hard?
Sass
I thought you grabbed a knife from the kitchen.
Roan
Maybe I did. Honestly, I can't really remember if I, like, grabbed something at this point. I'm sure. I'm sure I did. And I've told this story before, so, you know, whatever the truth was then remains the truth.
Mark Normand
Okay.
Roan
But you start to feel like you're lying.
Harry
You know what I mean?
Mark Normand
Yeah, yeah. But anyway, the picture, Louis Gomez.
Roan
And then I called the cops. And, you know, because they lived in Chelsea, they were there in, like, three minutes.
Mark Normand
Hell, yeah.
Roan
Which was like, oh, gentrified neighborhood. How nice. And so many of them came. I mean, there were like, truly. And you're like, oh, there's nothing going on at the precinct, right?
Mark Normand
Yeah. Yeah.
Roan
And so, like, three of them came in to my apartment. They knocked, and first of all, two of them knew who I was.
Mark Normand
Hey, that's a good sign.
Roan
And they were. But they were, like, nice about it. They were like, I know who you are. And I'm like, oh, thank you. And. And then I told them what had happened, and then they were, like. Went outside, and then they were on the radio, and then they came back in, and they're like, all right, we found someone who matches your description, but we need you to come look at him because he's in the. He's in the. One of the cruisers. And we can't tell you, like, what he looks like.
Mark Normand
Okay.
Roan
Which must have been.
Harry
It's like, a leading.
Roan
Yeah, they. It was like they didn't want to be like, is the guy you caught wearing this and this. Because I had told them what he was wearing, and I also had a fucking photo of him.
Mark Normand
Exactly.
Roan
Can. They were like, you need to come confirm with your eyes without Any sort of prep who we've caught as the guy you saw? I walked out, the window was down, and he's in the back of the car. He's got handcuffs on. I'm like, yeah, this is the guy. And again, he's like. He's not. He's, like, annoyed.
Sass
Yeah. Yeah, he definitely was on drugs.
Mark Normand
Definitely.
Roan
He was like, what's the deal? Like, why are you guys all making such a big deal out of this? And by the way, I should mention another fact, which is. And it's probably why I wasn't really afraid, which is that I'd seen this guy before.
Sass
Oh.
Roan
So I lived in, like, a building that had, like, seven apartments. And it was this, like, small converted townhouse where whatever. And one of the owners of the building also had an apartment in the building. And this dude was super weird. Weird? Really, really weird. Like, what's that, the owner? Yeah, one of the owners. It was like a family of guys. And none of them really liked this dude, but he had. Because he was in the family, like, he had part of the ownership and got one of the apartments.
Harry
A family of guys? Are you talking about a gay couple?
Roan
It was like, guys, you know, this Italian patriarchal family. And it was like the nephews had shares in the apartment project. And then, like, one of the cousins was the super, but he drove a Bentley. I mean, it was crazy. Like, I never knew what was going on, but I had seen them hanging out together before because the guy would always leave his fucking door open and he would play organ. Like, I'm not making any of this haunting organ music on full blast.
Mark Normand
Whoa.
Roan
Like, at weird hours of the. The night, and his door was open and he lived on my floor. So I. And then one time, and I saw them coming out one time, they like, at that time, they were kind of nice to me. They were like, oh, hey, you're the new guy. Yeah, this is the dude. Then, like, six months later, I find him in my apartment at 4 in the morning. Which is why when he was like, I got lost.
Mark Normand
That's kind of believable.
Roan
I was kind of like, oh, maybe he was just lost. Yeah, and couldn't find his way out and whatever.
Sass
Going through the dresser, though. Well, so looking for.
Roan
When I went to testify, you. I had to go meet at the. I had to go to the district attorney's office, which was weird because I had been a paralegal there for a year when I was, like, very early on, like, I'm not going anywhere in comedy. I need to get Serious with my life. So I was trying to go to law school, and this was the street crimes division, which was exactly where they were prosecuting this guy. And I had to meet with one of the assistant. The ADAs who was prosecuting the case and tell her everything. And she said that the reason that he was opening drawers and what they found because I also found that a number of documents that I had up in my kitchen, which were, like, credit card statements and things like that. He was looking for documents to steal my identity or sell my identity.
Mark Normand
Interesting.
Roan
So that's what he was doing.
Mark Normand
Okay.
Sass
That's a tough task. That's going and breaking into someone's home, being like, I got to find the Social Security number certificate in here. It is.
Roan
But it's also probably not as hard as you'd think. You know, everyone had a lot of.
Harry
If he weren't home, he probably would have thrived. And just. If he had all night.
Roan
Yes.
Sass
I don't. I think that would take. Like, if you were to go to my apartment and be like, I gotta find something that I'm gonna be able to steal his identity with. You'd be tearing the place up for two hours.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Harry
It just probably doesn't exist.
Sass
Social Security, like, my. My Social Security card's got to be, like, at the bottom of a box.
Roan
But is that the only thing in your apartment that has your Social Security number on it?
Mark Normand
Maybe some mail, a bank statement? I don't know.
Roan
That's what I'm saying. Like, this guy was trying out to figure. Find lots of papers, and he could. Whatever.
Mark Normand
So how'd he die?
Roan
I only found that out after the fact. The. The district attorney, the woman. The funniest thing that happened was that finally she. I haven't been trying to be funny. I've been trying to tell this as fast as possible.
Mark Normand
Okay?
Roan
The funniest thing. The one funny thing that had happened in my story is that I was at Barstool at the time, and she was like, look, by the way, I've become aware that you've told this story now on your radio show, that you have written a blog about it and you've been tweeting about it, and it's getting very hard to paint you as a victim in this case.
Mark Normand
Oh, shit.
Roan
Given how much light you are making of it. With that said, though, it's. What I've seen has been very funny. And I was like, you should have started with that, because it's easier for me to accept criticism when it's couched in Praise.
Mark Normand
Whoa.
Roan
But then I had to testify in front of the grand jury, which, you know, went in, like, dressed up for it. And then, you know, you're in front of, like, I don't know, 30 or 40 people or whatever, and they're just asking you questions to determine if there's enough evidence to prosecute the case. But what I found out after that, because I don't think the case went to trial, was that this dude had actually been an informant for presumably the DA's office or something.
Sass
What?
Mark Normand
What?
Roan
And had been informing and, like, helping them out. And was killed because I think he was. It was found out. He was found out to have been an informant.
Mark Normand
Oh, my God.
Sass
That's crazy.
Roan
And the DA's office told me so
Mark Normand
many layers to this.
Roan
Yeah.
Harry
Is he trying to get out from under the case of, like, stealing your identity? And he's like, here, I'll work with you guys again.
Roan
It's one of those weird things. You might have killed him, where I'm
Mark Normand
like, if you would just let the
Harry
guy walk away, he'd still be with his family today. You had to be a hero. Call 91 1.
Roan
Still, to this day, I'm not 100% sure that he was actually doing anything wrong.
Mark Normand
He's going through your drawers three in the morning.
Roan
I know. It's. It's a. It's certainly. I don't feel bad about calling the police and. And doing what I did, but, like, given that he was an informant, given that he knew the guy and was probably, like, partying with him and up.
Mark Normand
Sure.
Roan
Like, there was a way for him to not know how to get out. But, yeah, the drawer thing made no fucking sense.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Roan
And the papers and whatever.
Mark Normand
Anyway, I do think he was fucked up.
Sass
Yeah, definitely.
Roan
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Mark Normand
Quince.com boydad so I got robbed in the West Village. I'll be short, but I'm not.
Roan
Brevity is not the soul of my wit in a way.
Mark Normand
I was out doing spots and my girlfriend at the time, time, she said, I'm out at a dinner with some friends. I'm right by your house, can I. We weren't dating that long. We didn't live together. She's like, can I just go to your house? And I was like, yeah, sure. So she goes to my house, she's like, your door's wide open and there's a bunch of furniture knocked over. And I was like, ah, shit. All right. So I ran home and I get there, she's drunk out of her mind. She was at a party or something and she's like, this is crazy. I think somebody broke in. And then she. She just falls asleep on the couch. I was like, okay. So I go in the bedroom. My bedroom window is opened up on the fire escape and I see footprints on the bed. So you're like, oh my God. It's just so violating. TVs there, laptops there, everything's there. Ipod, everything. There was one drawer that I had in a dresser that I kept all my spot pay in. So like, I would go do the seller, I'd go to the stand, New York, and I would just throw 25 bucks in, 100 bucks in, whatever. It was probably like 8 grand of accumulated money. I had mushrooms, weed in there. I. I had a slingshot, brass knuckles, baseball car. It was like a cool guy drawer. Yeah, like you were a kid. I had condoms and whatever and he took everything out of the drawer and just bolted.
Harry
What? How did he know the drawer was there? Or just like typical top drawer.
Mark Normand
It was the first dresser. When you walk in, I just, I think you open that. He was like, great. Drugs.
Roan
Jackpot.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Roan
It's like he put it here for me.
Mark Normand
Yeah. Ken Griffey Jr. I'm out of here.
Harry
What kind of like cartoon break in is this? So that he flipped all of the furniture and left footprints behind and went out the window.
Mark Normand
Well, fuck, I guess I should probably
Harry
flip like tiptoeing out with a burglary
Mark Normand
mask on or I shouldn't say flipped all the furniture. I had a coffee table like this and a chair. And he put the chair, he flipped it in front of the door, like in case somebody came in.
Harry
In.
Sass
Oh yeah.
Mark Normand
I don't know what the hell he was thinking. But she said your door was unlocked. There was a chair when I opened the door. There's a chair in front of it. So I guess he thought that would do something. And then I think he moved the coffee table, like just get this out of my way.
Harry
And you called the cops or called
Mark Normand
the cops and they caught him. Fingerprint.
Roan
Oh, no way.
Mark Normand
Apparently had broken into a ton of places and they've been looking for him.
Sass
Damn.
Mark Normand
But I had a way worse experience than you, cuz first of all, the cops come in, I got a passed out gal like a cocktail dress. They're like, oh, this is weird. I was like, I have a ton of cash and drugs here. Stole all that.
Roan
He's still here.
Mark Normand
So then they go out to like check me out. So they go out to the car, check me out and they google me. And I guess my clips came up and they were not into it. They came back and they're like, oh, some kind of comedian, huh? We didn't care for it. I was like, okay. And then they called me like a week later and they found the guy.
Harry
Did they recover any of the stuff? Did they recuperate any?
Mark Normand
It was cash and drugs, so you can't really claim it. I could just make up up any number I could be like, I told 10 grand.
Roan
And then presumably if you were to like go through what, renters, insurance or something like that, would that have covered it?
Mark Normand
No, I don't think so. I don't even have insurance.
Harry
Damn.
Roan
Damn.
Harry
Is that why you're scared? Because of that experience or you were already scared and what is Francis's story like? Does that scare you?
Mark Normand
That's the out of me. It's. I got broken into a lot as a kid and I walked in on a couple robberies and my parents got held up at gunpoint in the house.
Harry
Wayne.
Mark Normand
Yeah, I wish. Jesus Christ was. I didn't get the, the toughness out of it. I got the scared out of it.
Harry
Jesus Christ.
Mark Normand
So I think that me, I think that's why I Was a bedwetter. I had a lot of trauma.
Roan
Yeah, that'll do that.
Sass
Yeah.
Roan
That reminds me of my favorite joke I ever saw you tell, which was on the Tonight show when you were like, it must just be a cup of piss.
Mark Normand
Oh, yeah, yeah. With the bed of the FR. Friend's house. And he was like, what the hell happened? I was like, I spilled a cup of piss. I had to fight for piss. They wanted me to say pee. I was like, piss is funnier.
Harry
Yeah.
Sass
That's crazy.
Harry
This is sanitary. What are they talking about? It's sterile.
Roan
I think you can see Fallon, like, shaking with laughter when you say that bit too in the background. He's like a shadow.
Mark Normand
Yeah. Yeah. Those are fun times.
Roan
Yeah.
Mark Normand
Now let you do a late night show and two people. People see it.
Harry
Yeah. Is that just cook now going on late night shows?
Mark Normand
You get the credit, I guess, out of it. Like, I can say I was on Jimmy Fallon, but no one's gonna see it. The clip of the show will do better than the show.
Harry
Yeah, just like the still photo of you having done it.
Sass
Yeah. I remember like Ian Lara telling me that like, like, occasionally after he'll do like, Fallon, he'll just get like an email from someone. Like, people like, email him and be like, really loved the set.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Sass
But like, that's it.
Mark Normand
One good thing is it's clean. So you get like a corporate gig out of it. Maybe. Like, we saw you on Jimmy Fallon. We'd love to hire you for an hour. And you're like, I can't do a clean hour.
Sass
Yeah. At a corporate gig. Sounds like hell.
Mark Normand
Oh, I've done. I just did one last weekend. The pay is incredible. But they, they're always a. Always.
Roan
I've been doing a lot of member guest golf tournaments lately. Not easy.
Mark Normand
Not easy. You're working out there outdoors.
Roan
That is rough cigar, men's mouths full of cigar. Nobody's laughing around us.
Mark Normand
Just counting the minutes.
Roan
Yeah, Yeah.
Sass
I mean, the one that they had you do, it's like the timing also. It's like they were. They wanted you to do it before, like the kickoff of the member guest.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Roan
It's always on the opening night. So there's been like a practice round and then like everyone's saying hi. People been flying in.
Sass
Yeah.
Roan
They're all each other in years and like they're catching up. And then some. Some guy's like, you know, hey, by the way, everyone gather around. We got a comedian. Please walk.
Mark Normand
Right?
Roan
And you're like, no ho. No host, no Opener, horrible acoustics. Mic doesn't work every time. Just. And people are like, who. Who the.
Mark Normand
I don't know.
Roan
This guy. I'm gonna go back to drinking, talking to my friends that I spent, you know, grew up with.
Harry
When you do, it is often like, a brand or like a company that you can tailor some material to, or are you just like, let me just do what I do.
Mark Normand
I just did one for a steel company. It was like a steel Pittsburgh steel company.
Sass
Oh, so you're getting paid that. They must be crazy.
Mark Normand
And then it's all a bunch of, like, steel guys. Like, iron bearing guys. So they were. They were actually cool. But the only real laughs I got was I googled the dude who owned the company. And it's just. I don't give too much away. I might get in trouble. But it's a big German guy. So I was like, all right, steel, German. So I went out there and I was like, this guy's, what, a Nazi, huh? He probably built the concentration camps, all that steel. I probably did the railroad. And then you're like, all right, so I gotta. I gotta marry. And they're like, yeah, they want their. They want you to with their people, but they don't hear your stuff. Yeah, that's corporate for you.
Sass
Didn't you do. I feel like I saw a clip of you talking about doing one where, like, you were. They gave you, like, a list of things to say.
Mark Normand
Oh, yeah.
Sass
And they were like. But then they were like, what the are you doing?
Mark Normand
I did one in Toronto. Great money again. And the guy met me outside. He's like, I'm a huge fan. You gotta do this joke. I love this joke. And I was like, oh, this is gonna be great. This guy loves my stuff.
Roan
He's.
Mark Normand
He's quot jokes. I got this. It's gonna be a cakewalk. And I go upstairs. It's all these rich guys in suits at, like, a fancy restaurant. Horrible mic, you know, feedback. And I'm bombing. I'm bombing. And the guy's in the front row going like, come on. I'm like, oh, I'll do the jokes he picked. And those jokes bomb. At one point, he looks up at me, goes, what are you doing? And I'm like, I'm doing comedy, you idiot.
Harry
This is what you asked for.
Mark Normand
You wanted these jokes you like. But he acted like I was, like, blowing, like I was doing something wrong. I'm like, this is what stand up is.
Roan
Oh, my God. I'm doing stand up.
Mark Normand
It's just not working.
Roan
I came.
Sass
What are you doing?
Roan
Is crazy. I did one in Vegas. It was for like a hedge fund and the whole. They were doing a corporate retreat and at lunch they had a keynote speaker who was Alex Honnold from Free Solo.
Mark Normand
Oh, that guy.
Roan
He's unbelievable.
Mark Normand
Wow.
Roan
He came out and did this whole PowerPoint presentation or like slides and stuff. Clearly he tours this.
Mark Normand
Sure.
Roan
In a corporate environment when he needs a paycheck. And like it was so seamless and he was tying in like, you know, business and like professional themes to like his ascent of El Cap and like being like, you know, trying to like teach and like it was funny and cool and daring and all this. And then everyone filed into this, like small theater that had a huge stage that was way above everyone. And I went up, no opener, 45 minutes. And then the CEO of the firm came on and apologized for me.
Mark Normand
Oh no, 45 is too long for anybody. You could have a Cat Williams up there.
Harry
What did he say? What was the apology?
Roan
He was like, hey everybody. Obviously we didn't really know what we were getting ourselves into there.
Sass
No.
Mark Normand
Oh, no. Painful.
Harry
Just their side stage.
Roan
I. Yeah, I mean, I hadn't gotten paid yet.
Mark Normand
The only thing worse than bombing on those is being, you know, insulted like that. Yeah, yeah, you got a double whammy.
Harry
Yeah, it was his fault. I mean, why do they continue to book comics if I've only ever heard stories about it going poorly?
Mark Normand
I think, I wonder this too. I think in their mind they're picturing like, I'll book this guy. Everybody's gonna be howling, laughing and high fiving each other. We have a great night, but it just never turns out that way. You got HR in the room. Doesn't work for me.
Roan
It's that they see me at a conference comedy club and they've had a great time there and they think that that environment will translate to their work. They're like, I want to bring my people into this. It's like, well then bring them to the comedy club.
Harry
Yeah, why not put on a whole
Sass
even that doesn't work though.
Harry
Or like have an opener and like
Roan
multiple acts, you can, you can try to express that. But then, you know, they just don't get. My attitude is these are not going to go well no matter what. So I always want to give, get in, rip the band aid off, get paid and get the home.
Mark Normand
Yeah. My, my worst one, I did a show at the seller went well. This guy goes, I'm a big fan of your stuff. I like how you, you're you're dark. You say crazy. I want you to do my hedge fund roast. My hedge fund. And I was like, okay. Paid a lot of money. It was up in Westchester. Took the Metro north up. I get there, it's at a golf course with, like, Ferrari, you know, Lamborghini in the crowd, Bentley. I was like, oh, my God, this is a big deal. I go in and he gave me like a cheat sheet of all these crazy zings on people. Like, wait, this guy cheats on his wife. This guy's a cokehead. This guy's actually gay. This guy's whatever. And so I was like, oh, this is gonna be great. I gotta. I got it all written for me. So the guy goes up, slick hair, suit, cigar. And he's like, all right. I saw this guy at a comedy club. He's hilarious. He's gonna roast us. It's gonna be great. And everybody's like, woo. All right. It's big balloon ballroom, round tables. Everybody's with their family. There's kids there. And I go up and I'm like, hey, so is that Bob in accounting? And everybody's like, hey, Bob. Bob's doing this, you know? And I'm like, yeah, we all know you're actually gay. And his wife's like, I knew it.
Sass
So that pops.
Mark Normand
So I was like, oh, okay. Hey, Rob, we all know you're doing blow in the break room. And he's like, what? The two cops come in, they arrested, arrest Rob. You know, it was just like every horrible thing. And I was like, this guy cheats on his wife, his wife's there. It all was horrible. And that was like six minutes in. So I see the guy in the back like, oh, no. What the are you doing? I'm like, you gave me this dirt. Pull this out of my ass. And then I started trying to go into my act of like, cereal's weird. What's up with that? And they hated me. So I think I did probably like 16 minutes and got the hell out of there.
Harry
You just caught it on yourself. You just pulled your. Pulled your own leash.
Mark Normand
No, I was like, kind of doing this. Let's go. Let's wrap it up. This is not working. But they always act like it's your fault. And I'm like, you booked me and you gave me these notes.
Roan
So, yeah, I hate to do it. I have to jump out. Flight, right?
Harry
You're good, brother.
Roan
Yeah.
Mark Normand
Are you gonna. You're gonna be all right?
Roan
Probably not.
Harry
Oh, no.
Roan
It was worth it. This was really fun. I really enjoyed it.
Mark Normand
Ah. I feel it was a LaGuardia.
Roan
Yeah.
Mark Normand
All right. We can get you there.
Roan
I'll be all right.
Harry
You'll be fine. Thank you for coming in, bro. You're the man.
Roan
Yeah.
Sass
You got anything you want to promote
Mark Normand
at all or watch? Watch my special Netflix. We might be Drunk Tuesday stories. And I'll see you on the road. Thanks for having me.
Sass
Thanks, Mark.
Harry
That was awesome. You're the man.
Date: May 19, 2026
Hosts: Sass (Harry), Roan (Francis), Producer Harry
Special Guest: Mark Normand
In this lively episode, comedian Mark Normand joins the Son of a Boy Dad crew for a classic freewheeling hang. With Sass having recently dropped out of college and feeling untethered, the group riffs on everything from standup and masculinity to bike thefts, break-ins, trauma, and even the aesthetics of male genitalia. There’s no set agenda—just raw, honest, and outrageous conversation, packed with bits, personal stories, and Mark’s legendary comedic timing.
[02:42 – 07:36]
[08:32 – 11:55]
[14:45 – 19:43]
[20:13 – 28:01]
[29:41 – 36:31]
[40:28 – 80:56]
[46:18 – 53:00]
[53:13 – 56:41]
[80:54 – 88:32]
Mark Normand on the diversity of roasting style:
On being a would-be hero:
On puberty and insecurity:
On brutal audience dynamics:
On childhood trauma & home invasion:
Corporate gig disasters:
The tone is boisterously irreverent, self-deprecating, and often dark—perfect for fans of comedy ‘inside baseball’ and those who love a glimpse into the strange lives of standups. Mark’s presence supercharges the riffing, and the episode is packed with laddish camaraderie, confessional honesty, and no shortage of pure idiocy.
Promotion:
Final Note:
For anyone who appreciates wild storytelling, raw comedian life, and late-night, boys-club banter, this episode is a riotous, no-holds-barred listen.