Mark Normand | Son of a Boy Dad #402

Summary

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Son of a Boy Dad #402 – Mark Normand Joins the Chaos

Date: May 19, 2026
Hosts: Sass (Harry), Roan (Francis), Producer Harry
Special Guest: Mark Normand

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Episode Overview

In this lively episode, comedian Mark Normand joins the Son of a Boy Dad crew for a classic freewheeling hang. With Sass having recently dropped out of college and feeling untethered, the group riffs on everything from standup and masculinity to bike thefts, break-ins, trauma, and even the aesthetics of male genitalia. There’s no set agenda—just raw, honest, and outrageous conversation, packed with bits, personal stories, and Mark’s legendary comedic timing.

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Key Discussion Points & Memorable Moments

1. Comedy Competitions, Roasts, and The State of Standup TV

[02:42 – 07:36]

• The group opens with talk of a new Kevin Hart-hosted standup competition show, reminiscent of "Last Comic Standing."
• Sass and Mark discuss the pitfalls of roasting celebrities outside of classic roast environments.
  • "They were roasting Marshawn Lynch and that was terrible. No one did well. They all did bad." – Sass [03:37]
  • "Of all the athletes to roast... Marshawn lynch just feels a little dated." – Mark [05:30]
• Mark critiques the novelty challenges in modern comedy shows:
  • "What’s the problem with these shows is, like, I never watch these because what they do to stand out, like, 'we're all gonna live in a house and we're gonna cook a pizza and we're gonna roast the pizza...'" [06:28]

2. Battle Rap, Roasting, & Public School Lessons

[08:32 – 11:55]

• Roan reveals his battle rap credentials and they reflect on the art of "classroom roasting."
• Mark shares memories of growing up in a 70/30 Black/white New Orleans public school:
  • "A lot of zinging, a lot of zanging. Your mama’s so fat. I think I’m a little older than you guys, so it was a lot of just classic mom shit." – Mark [10:39]
  • Mark recalls a stunning burn: "You look like a rich lady's dog. And it crushed." [10:48]

3. Bike Thefts & Not-Quite Hero Moments

[14:45 – 19:43]

• Roan describes witnessing a purse snatching on the Manhattan Bridge and debating confronting the thieves.
• Mark relates being mugged as a kid, and how these moments affected him growing up:
  • "I got my bike stolen all the time... Three guys pushed me off... I was like 11, 12... just punched me in the stomach. But I got off easy." [18:08]
• They discuss the psychology of bystander heroics and the allure of being "caught on camera" saving the day.

4. Beards, Puberty, and Male Vanity

[20:13 – 28:01]

• Extended riff about facial hair, beards, and the insecurity of puberty milestones:
  • "I remember seeing a couple sprouts. I’m a man." – Mark [20:33]
  • Mark asks Roan about his capacity for a beard and the "distinguished" rust-color stubble.
• The conversation veers into the territory of pubic hair, male grooming, and body image.

5. Mark’s New Standup Show – “All the Bald Dudes” and Booking Extremes

[29:41 – 36:31]

• Mark details the process behind his new show featuring performances to hyper-targeted audiences (e.g., white supremacists, Chinese businessmen, sex workers).
  • "You just throw out, like, a Craigslist type casting thing... There’s more white supremacists than you think." – Mark [30:09]
  • "They gave me all these crazy zings on people..." – Mark [87:09]
• The group debates the sociology of laughter and how diverse/hostile audiences affect a comic’s set.
  • "Everyone wants to look on the up and up, Nobody wants to be called a racist on camera." – Mark [36:14]
• Mark shares the challenge (and sometimes futility) of pleasing Gen Z crowds, especially women’s groups.

6. Stolen Bikes, Home Break-Ins, and Childhood Trauma

[40:28 – 80:56]

• The hosts swap harrowing break-in stories:
  • Roan’s story: Awakened at night by an intruder going through his dresser, then calmly confronting him:
    • "I remember, decidedly keeping my. My penis like I was... It was like I was in the bathroom asking someone for a towel..." – Roan [64:39]
  • Mark’s story: Grows up in burglary-prone New Orleans, later gets robbed in NYC.
    • "My parents got held up at gunpoint in the house... I didn’t get the toughness out of it. I got the scared shit out of it." – Mark [79:47]
• Both reflect on the aftereffects—hypervigilance, insomnia, fear of home invasion.

7. Body Insecurities, Testicle Length & “Jelking”

[46:18 – 53:00]

• The group embarks on a signature Barstool boys riff about balls, “yo-yo strings,” tight vs. saggy scrotums, and the urban myth of jelking:
  • "I have to know where I’m at... I’m very insecure with my genitalia." – Mark [46:57]
  • "My sack is above my penis... They were like, you got a switch. Whatever you’re doing, it’s dragging them down." – Roan [48:47]
  • They fantasize about a testicular "nut lift" or "Botox" for balls.

8. Odd Fetishes, Phobias & Underappreciated Woman Parts

[53:13 – 56:41]

• Jerry’s infamous Barstool foot-fishing incident is retold ("he got visibly horny on camera").
  • "He got foot fished and like a man put his foot under or something and he like got horny from it. And it was like just a dude’s foot. It’s like, oh, you’re gay now." – Harry [53:57]
• They muse on "unpopular" preferences:
  • Mark: "Shoulder clavicle guy. This area right here on a woman. Really. Oh, it drives me crazy." [55:25]
  • Roan: "The nape of the neck, especially when they have their hair up and there’s just a little bit…" [55:14]
• Sass claims, "Feet don’t do it for me... If anything, it has the opposite effect." [53:40]

9. Corporate Gigs & Hell Gigs for Comics

[80:54 – 88:32]

• Mark and Roan lament the perils of corporate and private gigs, from hedge fund roasts to member-guest golf tournaments:
  • "I just did one for a steel company... But the only real laughs I got was I googled the dude who owned the company... So I went out there and I was like, 'this guy’s, what, a Nazi, huh?'" – Mark [82:30]
  • Roan: "Then the CEO of the firm came on and apologized for me…he was like, hey everybody. Obviously we didn’t really know what we were getting ourselves into there." [85:22]
  • Mark: "Paid a lot of money. It was up in Westchester…he gave me like a cheat sheet of all these crazy zings on people...I was like, 'yeah, we all know you’re actually gay.' And his wife’s like, ‘I knew it.’" [87:09]
• They agree: No matter what, these gigs never work the way bookers expect.

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Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• Mark Normand on the diversity of roasting style:

  • "Black people have this weird ability to get kind of abstract and creative with a zing…Just the fact that he came up with that blew my mind." [10:48]

• On being a would-be hero:

  • "I’ll do some hero shit if I get a guaranteed news story. Don’t want to do it for nothing." – Mark [25:51]
  • "The problem with being a hero is …I don’t want to do it for nothing." [26:00]

• On puberty and insecurity:

  • "I remember I had one individual pube, and I cut it off with a nail clipper." – Sass [20:35]

• On brutal audience dynamics:

  • "There was three Long island [girls] in the back who just loved everything…Then [the others] made them feel bad for enjoying it…It was scary to watch them have a good time and then they started to be like, 'I don’t want to look like an asshole.'" – Mark [34:46]

• On childhood trauma & home invasion:

  • "I got broken into a lot as a kid and I walked in on a couple robberies and my parents got held up at gunpoint in the house…I think that’s why I was a bedwetter. I had a lot of trauma." – Mark [79:38]

• Corporate gig disasters:

  • "I’m doing comedy, you idiot. This is what stand up is…It’s just not working." – Mark [84:06]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Comedy Competition Shows & Roasting: [02:42 – 08:08]
• Roan’s Battle Rap Background & Mark’s School Days: [08:32 – 11:55]
• Bike Theft, Hero Fantasies, and Puberty Stories: [15:00 – 28:06]
• Mark’s New Standup Show & Audience Sociology: [29:41 – 36:31]
• Break-In Stories and Childhood Trauma: [40:28 – 80:56]
• Testicle & Genitalia Riffing: [46:18 – 53:00]
• Corporate Comedy Gigs & Roasting Disaster: [80:54 – 88:32]

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Episode Tone & Highlights

The tone is boisterously irreverent, self-deprecating, and often dark—perfect for fans of comedy ‘inside baseball’ and those who love a glimpse into the strange lives of standups. Mark’s presence supercharges the riffing, and the episode is packed with laddish camaraderie, confessional honesty, and no shortage of pure idiocy.

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Closing

Promotion:

• "Watch my special on Netflix—We Might Be Drunk, Tuesday Stories, and I’ll see you on the road." – Mark [88:51]

Final Note:
For anyone who appreciates wild storytelling, raw comedian life, and late-night, boys-club banter, this episode is a riotous, no-holds-barred listen.

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Transcript

[Harry]

Hey. Son of a boy. Dad. Listeners, you can find every episode on Apple podcasts, Spotify or YouTube Prime. Members can listen ad free on Amazon Music.

[Roan]

Okay, guys, it's grit week. This is the part of the football calendar where nobody's watching, but everything gets built. Early mornings, pads back on, conditioning, film reps. Spring training in football is all about putting in the work when nobody's cheering yet. And honestly, that's the same mindset behind the Chevy Silverado. This is a truck that is the definition of grit. Long days, dirty work, and showing up day after day, no matter the conditions.

[Sass]

Strong, dependable, and built for the grind.

[Roan]

Because grit isn't about being flashy. It's about being ready when it's time to go. Check out the current offers and build your Silverado at Chevy. That Silverado, all grit, no quit. And you can build your [e-mail] today.

[Sass]

In sports, winning takes more than talent. It takes strength, reliability, and the drive to go the distance. Sound familiar? That's the same DNA you'll find in a Chevy Silverado. As capable and dependable as a winning team, Chevy Silverado shows up and gets the job done. It won't flinch when the pressure's on. It doesn't take plays off when it comes to trucks. Chevy Silverado is football guy approved. To learn more about Silverado, visit chevy.com

[Roan]

alrighty. Well, nothing much to it.

[Mark Normand]

You got your vinyl up there.

[Roan]

Mark was like, what's the premise?

[Sass]

That's not real.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, well, you fooled me.

[Roan]

Premise. Well, Harry's diarrhea might be our premise.

[Harry]

Yeah, we have no premise.

[Mark Normand]

All right, great.

[Harry]

Happy to say. All right, shall we?

[Roan]

Let's do it.

[Harry]

Label out on that too. That's sponsored.

[Mark Normand]

Label out. You have anything to palate? I'll take.

[Sass]

All right. Welcome back to the Son of a Boy dad podcast. We are here joined by Mark Normand.

[Mark Normand]

Hey, good to be here.

[Sass]

Thank you for being here. Thank you for joining us, fellas. How we doing?

[Mark Normand]

Good energy up top.

[Sass]

Did you stutter?

[Roan]

Boys, how about it?

[Mark Normand]

You're like walking into a gamestop. You don't know what. You're high. I don't know what's going on.

[Sass]

I never know how to start it when. We don't know when the exact date it's coming out is.

[Harry]

Oh, yeah. This is going to come out in the future.

[Sass]

Sometime in the future.

[Mark Normand]

They all do.

[Sass]

Kevin Hart's doing like a new show.

[Harry]

Oh.

[Sass]

Where it's like. I mean, it's kind of like last comic standing to an extent.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah. They have judges and then they have young comics come on and perform for them and they vote who's the best and all that shit.

[Harry]

If you're doing that show, how do you know when to like hit the nas? Like, are you using your best material? It's like America's Got Talent. If you're a comic, are you using your best shit right at the top of the show?

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Harry]

I mean, then what about like week eight when it's like the finals?

[Sass]

Then you're fucked. That's pretty much what's going on. I've watched the first two episodes. The first one, it's like they just do like the Cellar and everyone does like a 10 minute spot or something like that. And then like the second episode they're like, they're roasting Marshawn Lynch.

[Mark Normand]

Weird.

[Sass]

Which is a very odd. Yeah, like, task to be provided with, but yeah. So they're. They're roasting Marshawn lynch and that was terrible. No one did well. They all did bad.

[Roan]

Can we touch on Marshawn lynch for one second? Yeah, yeah.

[Sass]

I don't. I was actually thinking about this while I was watching. I was like, because they bring out Marshawn lynch, the crowd's going insane. And in my head I was like, who's having that, who would be having that reaction for Marshawn Lynch?

[Harry]

I don't know. Be careful. Francis, what are you about to say about Marshawn Lynch?

[Roan]

So this is my thought about Marshawn lynch and this is a thought that I've always had about Marshawn lynch, which is that as we may remember, during his playing days, he professed to have an anxiety about post game interviews that bordered on like crippling social, like claustrophobia. Do you remember?

[Harry]

Yeah, kind of.

[Roan]

Because they kept finding him for it and then he'd get up there and have to do it. And all the pundits were like, this poor guy, you can just see him breaking. Clearly he's not comfortable. And yet now he's spun out into a cross cultural media career.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Roan]

How do you go from not being able to answer so what you think about their defense to playing a guy on euphoria? That to me is bullshit. And you know, maybe you care about this call bullshit on like a mental health thing. But yeah, he beat it.

[Harry]

You can't. You're like pissed that he doesn't have cancer forever. Like you can beat the fucking disease.

[Roan]

He, he was doing stuff with Conan. He really got like all kinds of front facing, speech oriented roles and things that require him Being on camera and talking on camera and being himself. And he seems to be relishing it. And that's to his credit. But I don't find that squares for me with. With how insanely crippled he became post game Interview. Do you remember this?

[Harry]

Yeah. No. I've seen him eating things other than Skittles. Like, I think he's a fraud. I think he's full of shit.

[Roan]

Yes.

[Mark Normand]

Of all the athletes to roast, like, get a Michael Vicky. Yeah. Aaron Rodgers is a lot of kooky stuff going on. Marshawn lynch just feels a little dated.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Sass]

It just doesn't really make sense. And like, the crowd. It's in a theater, right? And the crowd's going insane.

[Mark Normand]

I mean, that's all you know.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Stage. Hey, come on. There's like a director there.

[Sass]

I feel like if I saw Marshawn Lynch, I'd be like, holy shit, it's Marshawn Lynch.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sass]

And then that would be it about it again.

[Mark Normand]

You'd move on to your next airport.

[Harry]

He's roastable, though. He's cross. He's cross eyed.

[Sass]

He is cross eyed.

[Harry]

Cross eyed. That's timeless. That's like.

[Sass]

Yeah, you can always find something physical.

[Roan]

Everything I just said was just an audition for Kevin Hart's show. I didn't mean any of it, honestly. I actually am a big fan.

[Sass]

I honestly think I have a theory that Kevin Hart's not even there while they're filming the show. Every time they cut to him, it looks like he's in, like, just his own room with, like, a green screen behind it.

[Mark Normand]

Sounds right. That's what's the problem with these shows is, like, I never watch these because what they do to stand out, like, we're all gonna live in a house, and then we're gonna cook a pizza and we're gonna roast the pizza. You know, like, they always have to make some events. And so it started off with comedy. They're at the Cellar. They're doing stand up. Okay. But now we're off on roasting. And then the next one's like, we're gonna build a lawnmower out of sticks. Yeah.

[Harry]

Why not just have it be comedy the whole time?

[Sass]

I don't know.

[Harry]

Comedy to comedy.

[Mark Normand]

I think they're out of material.

[Sass]

It is like. I don't know. I feel like these shows, like, the payoff doing them as a comic. It's like you either win or you just look like a fucking dumb ass. Like, it's kind of tough. Like, I don't. I don't Think I would ever be able to do something like that? Like, I was watching the roast. Like, they have to roast, like, you know, like, in, like, a regular roast. Like, you'll roast the guest, the. The special guest, and you'll roast everyone else on, like, the panel and everything.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sass]

Like, they have to do that at a theater. But it's like, no one knows the people because they're all, like, small comedians and sure spread out around America. So it's like you're roasting just like a random dude to the crap.

[Harry]

I honestly don't want to see white people roasting. I have no interest in it. I just need my black brothers to be doing. I really don't want to see. There's like, no. No white dudes that's like, oh, he's fudgeing. Killing it right now. It's an art form. If some black dudes are doing it, they have a different energy about them.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

I don't know, man. Jeff Ross, Greg Giraldo.

[Harry]

Okay.

[Mark Normand]

And also, I saw Shane Gillis is his couple of his Kevin Hart jokes. They're pretty great.

[Roan]

Yeah, he said that they were good.

[Mark Normand]

They're dicey. He's gonna get in trouble.

[Harry]

I think I'm more talking about, like, classroom roasting when everybody's, like, snapping on each other. I think that, like, if you want.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Harry]

An acerbic, well written, like, sharp joke. Yeah. Those are probably the guys to go to.

[Mark Normand]

What is it?

[Harry]

There was, like, a show, and it's like, a bunch of dudes. It's like a bunch of grown comics sitting in, like, a classroom, and it's the funniest show ever. All they're doing is, like, roasting on each other, and it's like. It's, like, on the spot.

[Mark Normand]

That's a great idea.

[Harry]

It's. Is it called. Is it Roast Me?

[Roan]

So Roan, if you don't know, Mark, Roan grew up in the hood,

[Harry]

and

[Roan]

I don't even think I'm actually kidding. He was a world champion battle rapper. This is all true.

[Mark Normand]

Wait, what?

[Roan]

Really? King of the Dot, which is their kind of Super Bowl. And so he comes.

[Mark Normand]

Sorry.

[Roan]

He's like Mark Wahlberg in that movie four Brothers.

[Sass]

Oh, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Good movie.

[Roan]

Where instead of, like, violence, they wrapped.

[Harry]

Yeah. There's probably a better movie comparison. If you're going to compare to a rap battle. There's probably like, eight Mile. Yeah, maybe, maybe, maybe.

[Roan]

Oh, yeah, that would work. I forgot about that fish fish out of water sort of premise, but I

[Harry]

gave that up a long time ago because it Is not lucrative. And after a while, embarrassing. Keep on doing. You know what I mean? There's like. You kind of have to age out of that. You can't just do that forever. But this show was funny as these dudes are. I think that this is the one I'm talking about.

[Sass]

Five seasons.

[Mark Normand]

TI Is in it.

[Harry]

Just these just. I mean, I.

[Roan]

Without even hearing it, I can already tell it's funny.

[Harry]

That's funny.

[Mark Normand]

That's really funny. This is brilliant. I've never heard of it. This right. Of my own.

[Harry]

Honestly, it would be something that you would like and maybe even thrive at.

[Mark Normand]

But I went to public school.

[Roan]

If you had been there, wouldn't you have been right at home?

[Harry]

I think these dudes are significantly funnier than I am. I think that these dudes are so. And there's something about the. The way you deliver the joke where you're laughing at your own joke and then everybody starts laughing at it. It's like a supreme confidence to be able to machine gun because I don't even know if these dudes are writing it. Maybe they are. And their delivery is just so natural.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Roan]

I would have been sitting in one of those chairs being like, can we please shut up so we can learn something? Let's keep distracting from the reason we're all here.

[Harry]

You said you went to public school?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Harry]

What was the ratio?

[Mark Normand]

I was in New Orleans, so I'd say it was probably 70, 30. Black.

[Harry]

Okay.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, wow. Yeah.

[Sass]

Really?

[Harry]

So was it that. Was it that kind of thing?

[Mark Normand]

Totally. A lot of zinging, a lot of zanging. Your mama's so fat. I think I'm a little older than you guys, so it was a lot

[Harry]

of just classic mom shit.

[Mark Normand]

Any appearance. And black people have this, like, weird ability to get kind of abstract and creative with a zing. Like, one time a guy told me, he's like, shut the fuck up, man. You look like a rich lady's dog. And it crushed, like, about me. And I was like, damn, that's good. But I don't know if he's right or wrong, but just the fact that he came up with that blew my mind.

[Harry]

Everything about it's good. Like, the economy of language. It's, like, fast. You, like, get to the punchline really well, like, that's. I mean.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Harry]

Pretty brilliant.

[Mark Normand]

Brilliant shit coming out of those guys. And they're all homeless now, but I

[Harry]

know if they had the MTV2.

[Mark Normand]

I know.

[Harry]

Cast with them.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Harry]

Was filming them.

[Roan]

Mark, did your school have metal detectors?

[Mark Normand]

No, we were. It Was kind of before all that. We never got that far.

[Roan]

I was gonna say they'd probably be going off all the time with their teeth and whatnot.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, true, true. And the jewelry. But, yeah, it was a. It was dicey, for sure.

[Roan]

That's exciting that, like, they were throwing dice.

[Mark Normand]

Well, the weird thing is we never had a school shooting because they were black. They don't do that. Ironically, black people have the metal detectors at the school, but they don't shoot each other. Yeah, that is funny.

[Harry]

It. Does it just not count if, like, you know, is a tree falling and, like, what. Why is that?

[Roan]

No, what they. You know, what they say is that the only thing that can stop a school shooter is a black student with a gun.

[Mark Normand]

Did you see that principal that tackled the guy?

[Harry]

Yes.

[Mark Normand]

That was amazing. Yeah, that was like out of a movie. The fat balding principle.

[Harry]

Everybody wants to believe that that's what they would do.

[Mark Normand]

Totally.

[Harry]

You want to think that that's what they would do, but I just.

[Sass]

I know for a fact I wouldn't do that. No, no. Sprinting the other way as a teacher,

[Harry]

throwing kids behind you into the line

[Mark Normand]

of fire, I would stress you to just sprint in general. Look at that.

[Harry]

That's so sick.

[Mark Normand]

I mean, this guy's got to be 58, 60.

[Roan]

Wow.

[Mark Normand]

And then he went to prom the next week after he got out, he got shot in the leg.

[Harry]

Oh, he did?

[Mark Normand]

Because of that. Yeah. And then he went to prom and he got crowned the king. It's like a movie.

[Roan]

Yeah, well, everyone dances with the paraplegic.

[Harry]

So easy to get invited if you're a paraplegic. Yeah, but, Francis, I'm just scared that that'll never be you, because I know that you want it so bad, but I feel like you just have had, like, chances recently.

[Roan]

I've only had the one chance.

[Harry]

You had two chances.

[Roan]

When was the other one?

[Harry]

The guy on the street out here, and then the people biking in from Brooklyn that stole that lady's purse right in front of you while you were on the bike.

[Roan]

I know that one. What was the one out here?

[Harry]

There was, like, a guy that you, like, accosted or something, but then you, like, let him go. Took.

[Sass]

And the girl that was. That was vandalizing.

[Harry]

The girl that was vandalizing.

[Sass]

To be a hero.

[Roan]

You're talking about.

[Mark Normand]

Really?

[Sass]

He wants to. He wants to stop crime.

[Harry]

He thinks he would, but he had three chances.

[Roan]

Wait a minute. Let's. Let's break those three chances down. I'll tell you because you're You're. You're a city biker, right?

[Mark Normand]

Big time. Yeah, me too.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Roan]

I city bike everywhere and helmet. Yeah, I do wear one now. Ever since the comic passed away.

[Mark Normand]

It's pretty horrible.

[Roan]

That hit way too close to home.

[Mark Normand]

Totally.

[Roan]

Like, I'm like that. I literally take that route that he. He hit his head on. It was. What's his name, Casey.

[Mark Normand]

Was Kenny DeForest Cannon.

[Roan]

Kenny DeForest. Yeah. He just like went. He hit a pothole, went over the handlebars and hit his head on a car fender and that's it.

[Mark Normand]

There was.

[Roan]

It wasn't like he. He didn't hit a moving car. He wasn't like drinking nothing.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Roan]

So I was like, all right, I'm going to wear a helmet.

[Mark Normand]

Smart. Is that it?

[Harry]

That would be so sad.

[Roan]

That is a Harvard lacrosse helmet. But be a little on the nose if I wore that.

[Harry]

Biking around the city, like seeking out contact, running into with the shoulder pads.

[Roan]

One of those guys on those single wheel things where they have like arm pads on.

[Sass]

That is what they wear.

[Harry]

I saw one of those dudes yesterday weaving in and out of leaning from side to side.

[Roan]

They're amazing. Mark. I live in Dumbo, and I was coming into the city and I was getting on the Manhattan Bridge and I saw out of the. To the left, like, kind of out of the corner of my eye, I saw a woman get knocked down.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, shit.

[Roan]

She was just waiting kind of on the curb. And I saw then a guy close by to her really like, wobbling on a bike. On a city bike, an E bike. And I was also on an E bike. And then four other people were like, with him on E bikes. And as I started to process what happened, I noticed that he was slinging a woman's bag over his shoulder. So he had like driven up, ridden up to her, knocked her down, grabbed her handbag, slung it over his shoulder, and then biked off with his like four lookouts or whatever.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, wow.

[Roan]

And I turned to chase them down.

[Mark Normand]

Four of them.

[Roan]

Yeah, that was the.

[Harry]

They were in a flying V too.

[Roan]

It was five. There was the. There was the thief and then there was his four henchmen flankers. And I thought, I think confidently I could overtake them simply because I city bike so much that I know, I know really how to get the most juice out of my E bike.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Sass]

The key is to let it sit for a couple seconds and give it a couple pumps.

[Roan]

That's not it.

[Harry]

It's like hitting turbo and matting.

[Roan]

Do you think that those Guys know how to, like, draft and to lower their head to the point where they're. You know what I mean? Like, I was gonna go full Tour de France on them to hunt them down and do it in a way where they wouldn't have. They would've been like, oh, this guy's in a hurry.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Roan]

And then all of a sudden, I'm knocking them down. I played the whole thing out.

[Mark Normand]

Your plan was to get. Knock them down, get the purse, and then bail out before.

[Roan]

My plan was just to knock him. The guy who had stolen the purse was to knock him down. Okay, that was my whole plan.

[Mark Normand]

But why wouldn't the four other guys just beat the shit out of you?

[Roan]

Because they're all. The first guy. I had a stick, and I was gonna throw it in his spokes.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, my God.

[Harry]

Indiana Jones style.

[Roan]

He flips over forward, much like in.

[Sass]

The stick would have just exploded.

[Mark Normand]

Exploded.

[Sass]

He would have just cleanly written off.

[Roan]

Did you ever see that movie with the. With the cyclists in? It was like. It was a great movie. It had Dennis Quaid in it from the 1980s.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, breaking away.

[Roan]

Breaking Away.

[Mark Normand]

Amazing film.

[Roan]

What a great movie.

[Mark Normand]

Great movie.

[Roan]

And he finally rides with the Italian team, and they throw the wrench in his spokes and flip him over. So that was what inspired. That's how I got the first guy.

[Mark Normand]

All right, that's one guy.

[Roan]

And then the second guy, I think I was just going to hopefully push away. Right. And then maybe the other two guys now realize I'm not to be fudged with. So they bug off. They, like, bug out, you know? But then now it's just me and the guy with the. With the bag.

[Mark Normand]

Okay. Were they young?

[Sass]

Oh, yeah.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

All right. That helps.

[Harry]

Mm.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Sass]

What, like, how old were they, though?

[Roan]

You know, probably like 16 to 20.

[Mark Normand]

They got nothing to lose.

[Harry]

It's dangerous.

[Sass]

I think they would have pieced you up.

[Harry]

I have.

[Roan]

Too far loose.

[Sass]

No, they would have found it. They would have found whatever you have to lose, and they would have taken it.

[Harry]

They would have lured you to a one way. They would have lured you to a cul de sac.

[Roan]

The only thing I have. Bring me into my own environment. Bring me to a home game. Oh, no.

[Harry]

Turf.

[Roan]

Oh, look. Ring cam is perfect. Just what I want. I want this documented so it goes viral and I get. You know.

[Mark Normand]

So I grew up in a bad. Pretty bad neighborhood, and I got my bike stolen all the time. And one time, three guys pushed me off about. I was like, 11, 12, and they were probably 16, 17. They had armpit hair. Which freak. I'll never forget it. But I had gotten with so much that I kind of just lost my cool. And the kid stole my bike. And before he get away, I just pushed him like you. I knocked him over on the bike, and then one of his friends just punched me in the stomach. And I was like, okay, okay, okay. All right, take it easy. But I got off easy.

[Harry]

I felt like stomach punch is almost more disrespectful than a face punch.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Harry]

It really takes it out of you.

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sass]

You can't breathe

[Roan]

when you. I mean, when you're a kid, right, and you have your bike stolen, what's. What happens next? You buy a new bike?

[Mark Normand]

Well, yeah, I ran home crying, and my mom, you know, she's such, like, a bleeding heart liberal that I was like, these black kids stole my bike. And she was like, well, they need it. Thanks, bitch. Appreciate that.

[Roan]

Reparations, Mark.

[Mark Normand]

And, yeah, I got. I guess I got a new bike, like in Christmas or something.

[Roan]

And. But that. My question becomes, if they have such an easy time stealing a bike from you and there's no repercussions for them, and then you get a new bike, don't you just become, like a vending machine of bicycles?

[Mark Normand]

Totally. I stopped riding it after a while.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Which is pretty sad.

[Harry]

That's devastating. Yeah, that is.

[Sass]

That is. It does suck.

[Harry]

And you're just looking up at his armpit hair.

[Mark Normand]

Well, you get why people buy guns. You're like, next time a guy comes off, just shoot him.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

It's my only option. I can't beat them up. They're all tougher than me and bigger than me.

[Harry]

I remember the first time seeing kids had armpit hair, and it was. I was in seventh grade, I think, and it was a kid a grade lower than me. He was in sixth grade.

[Sass]

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I remember that.

[Harry]

It's devastating to see a kid in sixth grade have armpit hair. Like, I was in sixth, he was in fifth.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Harry]

It's like, why am I not. Why am I not caught up yet?

[Sass]

Yeah. I remember finding out, like, one of my buddies had, like, a full bush, and I had, like. I didn't even. I hadn't even begun to have, like, a single hair.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sass]

I was like, what the.

[Harry]

How did he find out?

[Sass]

He probably just showed it to us.

[Mark Normand]

Do you remember your. I remember seeing a couple sprouts.

[Sass]

Oh, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

I'm a man.

[Roan]

I'm a man.

[Mark Normand]

I had.

[Sass]

I remember I had one individual pube, and I Cut it off with a nail clipper so I get this thing the out of here.

[Mark Normand]

Saved it, framed it. Can you grow facial hair or you just do the cleanest shave of all time every single day of your life?

[Roan]

I can grow a full beard. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, really? Have a sick beard?

[Harry]

He would have an awesome beard.

[Sass]

What color is it?

[Roan]

Let it go like a dark rust.

[Sass]

Really dark rust. That's crazy.

[Roan]

It's kind of nice.

[Harry]

Why don't you just grow that, bitch?

[Roan]

Everyone wonders this, why I don't grow a beard. I don't know. I've just even let it.

[Mark Normand]

Stubble. Like. You got the cleanest shave today. Okay. But I've never seen you with any kind of.

[Sass]

Yeah, I don't think I have either.

[Roan]

Yeah, you definitely have.

[Sass]

I definitely. I would remember this rust if I saw it.

[Harry]

No, it is. I've seen it once. An incredible rust.

[Roan]

Yeah, I've got a rust and now it's got flecks of gray and it's quite distinguished.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Harry]

Why not let that thing go?

[Roan]

Well, the first. The first problem is that I have really sensitive skin. So for two weeks, or maybe even three, it is the most uncomfortable thing in the world for me to get past this. It's like itchy and really, really miserable.

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Roan]

And then somehow you kind of break through the cloud cover and you're. You're in cruising altitude, and it's fine after that. But the other part of it, you know, full disclosure, I'm very vain. As you guys know. It rounds out my face.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, I see.

[Roan]

And I like having a little angular.

[Mark Normand]

I get it. I get it.

[Harry]

Be one of those dudes that, like, shaves their, like. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Angles.

[Harry]

The beard.

[Sass]

Sharp ass beard. A sharp beard, that'd be Dan Bilsarion beard.

[Harry]

And your pubes, are they quite. Quite rich in full.

[Sass]

Are those rusty as well?

[Harry]

Do you have rusty?

[Roan]

No, I shave those every day.

[Harry]

Oh, you have a landing strip. I forgot that you have a very thin landing strip.

[Roan]

Tic tac toe board currently losing.

[Harry]

Beautiful landing strip. But damn, I think just what was the longest you ever had it? Have you ever had, like. Is there a picture maybe of. Of like a really.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, here we go.

[Harry]

Yeah, I need to.

[Mark Normand]

Don't you. Don't you hate. I hate shaving. Like, that's like you got a straight razor right there. Yeah. You got to go to the barbershop every day. Yeah.

[Harry]

Sweetening Todd's every day.

[Roan]

I don't love shaving, but again, it's just like after three or four days, my face is so fucking Uncomfortable that

[Sass]

I shave every day?

[Roan]

No, I shave like every three days probably.

[Mark Normand]

Damn.

[Roan]

Yeah. I'll show you a picture. Here you go.

[Harry]

Yeah, I'm fucking struggling to grow this bitch ass, shitty fucking beard. You could easily have a thick ass rust on your face.

[Roan]

Look, just because I'm better than people at certain things doesn't mean I need to exercise that.

[Sass]

Do I wish I could grow a beard? Oh, you.

[Mark Normand]

Is this.

[Sass]

Is this as much as you go? I mean, it'll get like, it'll grow out, but it's just like patchy and grossing. It just looks like I haven't like showered.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Harry]

That's nasty.

[Mark Normand]

Hello.

[Roan]

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[Roan]

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[Sass]

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[Roan]

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[Harry]

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[Roan]

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[Sass]

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[Mark Normand]

So wait, what happened with the bike?

[Harry]

He just thought about it.

[Mark Normand]

Nothing happened.

[Harry]

He turned, he turned his shoulders and then he. And then he's like. He thought Better of it.

[Roan]

I realized that everything you said, which is that there were five of them, and, you know, I don't even know if what this woman had in her bag was particularly valuable.

[Harry]

She might have been in on it, trying to.

[Sass]

Maybe she robbed them. Maybe that was their b.

[Harry]

They were taking it back.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. The problem with being a hero is I'll. I'll. I'm down to do some hero shit if I get a guaranteed news story.

[Roan]

Same.

[Mark Normand]

I don't want to do it for nothing.

[Roan]

Oh, there were. This was middle of the day. There were a lot of people around.

[Mark Normand]

All right, that helps.

[Roan]

And she was decent looking, so.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that helps too.

[Roan]

You know, I could have gotten.

[Harry]

Just the satisfaction is awesome. It might just be enough to just know if you're that guy, if you're that principal for the rest of your life, you kind of feel pretty good about yourself.

[Roan]

Yeah, but he knew.

[Sass]

He definitely knew that camera was there.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, he documented.

[Harry]

He waited till the guy got in frame.

[Sass]

Yeah, yeah. He was like, there's one right over by this bench. Just take him out here.

[Mark Normand]

Is that rolling?

[Sass]

He's. He's looking right at the camera while he's removing the gun.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Like, I bet that's his wallpaper now on his phone. Yeah, definitely.

[Sass]

He's probably like. I feel like if you do that once, like, you're just waiting for the second time now. Yeah. You're walking around all day just waiting to tackle someone.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

And it sucks, too, if you're in the grocery store and somebody breaks in, everybody's like,

[Sass]

the hero.

[Mark Normand]

Right?

[Roan]

You go, this is me with a.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that looks great. Oh, wow. You look angular.

[Harry]

That's crazy. It's angular.

[Sass]

When is this from?

[Mark Normand]

Way hotter there.

[Roan]

This is from 2018.

[Sass]

No, I get what you. You're definitely. I feel like it's decently round.

[Mark Normand]

All right.

[Sass]

You look decently rounded.

[Harry]

That's crazy.

[Sass]

That doesn't even look like you.

[Harry]

I know.

[Mark Normand]

See, that guy would have stopped the kids on the bike.

[Roan]

Sure. What if they wouldn't have taken it?

[Mark Normand]

No, no.

[Sass]

They would have seen you across.

[Roan]

Oh, my God. There's a Viking over there.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, exactly. What?

[Harry]

Bro, you're up so bad by not having.

[Mark Normand]

I agree.

[Sass]

That's crazy. I never. I never do it.

[Harry]

Yeah. Hey, hey. Do it.

[Mark Normand]

Do it.

[Roan]

I'm not against it. You know, I'm not going down on anyone these days.

[Mark Normand]

You will with that thing. Oh.

[Roan]

My point is, I don't want to cause irritation.

[Sass]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Get out of here. Excuses.

[Roan]

Beard burn.

[Harry]

You would be a Hero.

[Roan]

No, I'm saying I'm open. I'm open to do it now because there's nobody lined up.

[Mark Normand]

We need a female poll. We need, like, a Twitter poll of him with.

[Harry]

Can you send that to both of those pictures to producers just so they have it to put into the show?

[Roan]

Men love beards on other men. I don't know if women do. I actually don't know the answer to that.

[Mark Normand]

We could ask, but I assume you have no female listeners.

[Sass]

Listeners, yeah, not a lot.

[Roan]

We have a few. We got a couple. Yeah, we do have a few, but. But they're. They're few and far between.

[Mark Normand]

Got it.

[Harry]

It's because Sass is a heartthrob is really what that is.

[Roan]

What it is. Women go crazy.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, is that right?

[Roan]

Yeah, they really do. Every. I get messages from women being like, hey, can you pass on this picture of my breasts to Harry? And I'm like, yeah, sure, I'll make sure he gets it. I don't send it. Print it.

[Mark Normand]

Well, you got the little. The cute boy thing. Yeah, we really like boy men.

[Sass]

When I was younger, I have. I had a lot of girl fans, but now it's pretty much just dudes. You go to the shows and it's just a bunch of dudes. Right, Francis?

[Harry]

Do girls come to shows like that? Like, would your women fan come to your shows early on?

[Mark Normand]

Matt Rife. That's all his fan.

[Sass]

Yeah, it's all girls.

[Harry]

That is.

[Sass]

I'm trying to think, like, I remember, like, maybe, like, when I was really young, there would be, like, a lot of girls at the shows, but now it's. I would say that, like, there are girls at the shows now, but it's usually girls that are there with, like, their boyfriends or something, and they're pissed.

[Mark Normand]

Right, Right.

[Sass]

Not happy at all.

[Roan]

The girls aren't.

[Sass]

No, no.

[Roan]

Because they're there with their boyfriend, so they can't come up to you.

[Sass]

Exactly.

[Harry]

Dude. I just. I just. I didn't even put. Put it together that you have your new show that came out. It's fucking sick. With all the bald dudes.

[Roan]

I was talking about that.

[Harry]

That's so good. That's. That's such a creative concept.

[Mark Normand]

Thanks. Yeah, we're shooting three more episodes tomorrow, so.

[Sass]

Oh, hell yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. We got a Chinese businessman, hookers, and I think white supremacists. Really? Yeah, those are the groups. So that's gonna get.

[Sass]

That's crazy. How did you find, like, a. That many white supremacists?

[Roan]

How did you find that?

[Mark Normand]

Well, you Just throw out, like, a Craigslist type casting thing. And people want to be on TV and have clicks so bad. They're like, yeah, I'm a white supremacist.

[Roan]

Do you almost doubt whether they're being authentic or not?

[Mark Normand]

I think so, but I think there's more white supremacists than you think.

[Sass]

Oh, yeah, definitely.

[Harry]

But that want to come on camera.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Well, I mean, once you're. It's kind of cool because they're like, yeah, I'm racist. Of course. Like, everyone else like, I'm not racist. Don't cancel me. But they're all like, crazy. Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I be racist? What are you, nuts?

[Sass]

Maybe they'll have, like, the gators on, you know, the masks. Oh, yeah, just fucking 40 dudes with masks on.

[Mark Normand]

It's like J6, you know, they're like, yeah, I'll go to J6.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Sass]

Yeah, why not?

[Harry]

So what is the. How'd that premise come to be? Like, where's that come from?

[Mark Normand]

You know, it's funny. I pitched it for years. I was like, oh, this should be a show. It's like a simple concept, and everybody's like, ah, how you gonna get all those people? It's never gonna work. And I pitched all these networks. They all said no. I was at a comedy club and a guy came up to me. He's like, yeah, if you ever have any ideas, you know how they always do that?

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

And I told him the idea, and he was like, that's it. We're doing it. And I was like, you do all the work. I'm sick of it. And he got everything settled, and that was it. We shot it. And it worked.

[Harry]

Yeah, it worked. It did great. Yeah, it's going good.

[Mark Normand]

Thanks.

[Roan]

You hosted? Are you producing? What are you doing?

[Mark Normand]

I just didn't want to do anything. So I said, I'll do a set or, you know, on each show, but I don't want to, like, have to promote it or book it or any of that. Yeah. They were like, okay, fine. Because that's how they get you. They always go, oh, you won't do anything. And then they're like, we need you to go on this. This show and talk about it, whatever. But, yeah, I didn't. These guys, this is a company called Unicorn. They're like a production company, and they made it and they did all the work. They edited it. Yeah, they're great. They killed it.

[Harry]

They have some really good shows.

[Roan]

Brandon Barrera is my feature on the road, and he's been doing it. I think he's on. He's. He opened. He hosts it or something.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah, he was a great host.

[Roan]

Yeah, he's awesome.

[Mark Normand]

The beauty of him was he would go out after the show and do like a Q and A and it was the shit. These women said. These Gen Z chicks were fascinating.

[Harry]

What, like, is there. How much do you have to change what you're about to say to any group? Or are you just doing your material right down the middle? Like, are you tailoring it for the group?

[Mark Normand]

No, I mean, I only have what I have. So I just do my act and see how it. See how it goes.

[Sass]

I mean, who do you think is going to be the hardest tomorrow? Like I feel like white supremacists, I feel like will be easy.

[Mark Normand]

Super easy.

[Sass]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Girls is always going to be the hardest.

[Sass]

I feel like hookers might be tough.

[Mark Normand]

Hookers could be tough because I don't think they're going to care or listen.

[Sass]

Yeah, I don't think they're going to know what's really happening.

[Roan]

No, not unless you, you know.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Roan]

You know, that's what they listen to.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sass]

Maybe if a couple jokes fall flat, just raise the hand.

[Harry]

Do you pay that. Do you pay the hookers to come?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, we give them a couple bucks and we say, you're going to be on YouTube.

[Harry]

And is it like their rate?

[Mark Normand]

No, no, thank God. We give them drinks. We'll say, we'll say it's gonna be a good time. You have a, have a fun show. Yeah, there's interesting. A lot of lonely people with nothing to do in this city.

[Sass]

Yeah, makes sense.

[Harry]

That many lonely hookers is crazy.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. I think they're like, hey, I get to not get, you know.

[Sass]

Yeah, this is way better. Just get to sit in a chair.

[Mark Normand]

I can't wait for the Chinese businessman to be like. Like hookers. See them in the lobby.

[Sass]

It's gonna be a slow turnover between show one and two.

[Mark Normand]

Right, right. Wait a second.

[Sass]

Clearing out the room's gonna take a while.

[Mark Normand]

But it really is wild how different. I mean you put it's group think you put different people in a, in a show. Same material, completely different reaction.

[Harry]

Like 1, one of the early ones you did. I forget all the groups that you did, but it was a group that I was like, I don't know if these people are gonna laugh. Like, I don't know if this humor is like for them, but it's like you kind of like slowly got them like one by one. Who was it? Was it like.

[Mark Normand]

It was Gen Z girls.

[Harry]

Was it Gen Z Girls?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. And like, here's what's scared about the Gen Z chicks was there was two in the front who hated us. Arms folded.

[Harry]

You.

[Mark Normand]

You're offensive. You're problematic. But there was three Long island in the back who just loved everything. They were like, go darker, Go harder. And then. Then when they did the Q A, the two girls in the front who were super, like, you know, kind of wokey and whatever, they. They made everyone else feel bad for enjoying it. And then the Long island girls were like, we're sorry, you're right. They were problematic. And it was like, oh, my God, it's scary to watch them have a good time. And then. Then they started to be like, I don't want to look like an. So you're right, they were bad.

[Sass]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

And that's what was the scariest part, is that, like, they dominated them and made them change their tune.

[Roan]

It's a sort of, like, sociolog. But, like, do you think that there's anything about maybe if the Long island girls had been in the front and those other girls had been in the back, maybe the maybe crowd would have followed that. And maybe, you know, I think. Do you think the, like, angry is always going to win?

[Mark Normand]

I think the angry wins because they were the loudest. You know, the squeaky wheel thing that they were like, no, no. That one girl be like, I thought it was funny. And the other girl's like, well, maybe you're a problem. Maybe you're a bigot. And she was like, okay, you're right. And. And it's kind of a microcosm of, like, Twitter, especially if they're like.

[Sass]

If you're on camera, and they're not usually on camera, probably like, yeah, I don't want this coming out. And everyone's gonna think I'm, like, racist.

[Mark Normand]

Exactly, exactly. And you want to go, hey, you psycho. We're just doing jokes, you retards. Relax.

[Roan]

It's funny because, as I'm sure you know, or like, we've all experienced, is that, for me, an audience that has, like, is diverse, has black people in it. Those shows are always better.

[Harry]

Way better.

[Mark Normand]

The black woman loved it.

[Roan]

And because when. When you do a joke that's edgy or something, like, often white people will nervously check out of the corner of their eye to see if the black people are laughing. And then they are, and it allows. It's like, permission that everyone can laugh.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Whereas it sounds like with just the Gen Z girls, they're gonna follow the leader of the anger.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. And again, it's like you said, everyone wants to look on the up and up, you know, Nobody wants to be called a racist on camera.

[Sass]

Except for the white supremacists.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. They're on board.

[Harry]

Yeah. They didn't call me a racist on camera. Pissed off after the fact. Damn, that's gonna be sick.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Harry]

Great concept.

[Mark Normand]

Hey, thanks, man.

[Sass]

I wonder if they, like. Do you think, like, the. Like, they. Any of those guys, like, link up after the show, like, the.

[Mark Normand]

Probably. Yeah.

[Sass]

You get, like, 40 Chinese businessmen in one room.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Harry]

You're gonna get a stadium.

[Sass]

So they're probably like, yeah, let's go get some drinks.

[Mark Normand]

They're networking. Yeah.

[Sass]

Talk shop.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, true.

[Harry]

They got to. I ate this weekend at a restaurant in Brooklyn called the river cafe.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, I've been there.

[Harry]

I saw you there one time from afar, and. And I didn't want to. It's such a nice restaurant. You're not gonna bother somebody.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Harry]

At that restaurant. But how sick is that restaurant?

[Mark Normand]

That's a beauty. I mean, that's a panty dropper.

[Harry]

It is 100. It's like a timeless old New York.

[Mark Normand]

It's crazy expensive.

[Harry]

Yes, it is. But it's all right.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. It was really cool. Really pretty. Brought. Brought the wife. I think I was in trouble, so I had to, like, you know, there.

[Harry]

It's the perfect. If you're in trouble, that's the perfect. Get out of jail.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. And dumbo's just awesome.

[Harry]

Yeah, it's lovely. Sass. You gotta go to the river cafe.

[Sass]

Yeah, definitely. At some point.

[Roan]

Harry, go to the river cafe.

[Harry]

Wear your Jeff cap. But it's the kind of place you have to dress up nicely. And I've seen them before. They. They'll rent out suit jackets to dudes there who come up underdress. They have, like, a white suit jacket that they'll rent out.

[Sass]

Humiliated.

[Harry]

So humiliating.

[Sass]

A white one.

[Harry]

You stick out like a sore thumb. And I saw the guy trying to take it off, and the mater d came over to his table, was like, you need to wear that.

[Sass]

I would just go home. I'd be like, this is mortifying.

[Harry]

Yeah, it's fudgeing nuts. You have to. I mean, I guess you got to

[Sass]

dress up wearing fudgeing, like, the. Like, just, like, corduroy pants and a white blazer.

[Harry]

They're, like, thumbing the corduroy, like, I don't know, sir. Not quite sure.

[Mark Normand]

There's a weird concept. We require this. And then you show up you don't have it. They're like, we'll give you one. Yeah, we do that with money. I don't have any money for the bill.

[Harry]

That is. It is not. I mean, it's nice to dress up, but if you're not dressed up, I don't know, you're kind of.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. You're wearing a stinky jacket.

[Sass]

Yeah, I don't like dressing. I don't like dressing up to go get food because then you got. Then you're. Then you're. Then you eat.

[Roan]

Does it need to be going. Going to get food?

[Sass]

No, no, I don't like dressing up, but I don't like dressing up especially to eat, because then you eat and then you're full and then you got a suit on.

[Mark Normand]

Suit on? Yeah. Bursting through it and you spill something on it.

[Sass]

Oh, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

That sucks.

[Harry]

Reaching for in the jacket, too. It's like you're kind of, like, hulking out. It's like tough on the elbows.

[Mark Normand]

So true.

[Harry]

I know you love that, Francis.

[Roan]

None of my dress clothes fit anymore. None of them do, really.

[Mark Normand]

Put on a few lbs.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Sass]

I'm getting fat as yoked right now. He's up to 220.

[Roan]

I am 224 now.

[Harry]

Jesus Christ.

[Roan]

Normally fly around at like 210, 208 when I'm chasing people on city bikes.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Roan]

And right now, I'm just way above my fighting weight, which I'm not happy about. Well, I'm okay with it.

[Harry]

We got to get your body fat percentage.

[Roan]

I looked up. I looked up, like, how the most efficient ways to cut on YouTube and all the videos. Yeah, it's vertical after some aspirin in a tub. But no, the. You know, all the videos were like 20 to 30 minutes.

[Mark Normand]

They always do that.

[Roan]

It really drives and drives me. I'm like, I need one minute of telling me what to do.

[Mark Normand]

What about Chat gbt?

[Harry]

Exactly. Just ask Chat gbt. That's the kind of. You should be using it for. Just some stupid mindless thing where you could get the answer right away.

[Sass]

Then they just give you, like. It gives you the wrong answer.

[Mark Normand]

It'll just.

[Sass]

It'll just tell you, like, doesn't matter what you eat.

[Mark Normand]

Can we look?

[Harry]

Let's look it up in real time here.

[Roan]

I lost all faith and. Yeah, he thinks it's all wrong. Everything they say is wrong.

[Sass]

Well, it's just, it. It's wrong so often that it makes it hard to trust it for anything.

[Mark Normand]

Right. Which gives me hope because I'm like, all right, it's wrong still.

[Sass]

Yeah, exactly. It's wrong. It's wrong. And like, have you seen those videos we were talking about? Have you seen those videos of the kid that'll, like, talk to chat? Oh, they're so funny.

[Harry]

I think he does with unicorn too.

[Roan]

I think.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, really?

[Harry]

He does stuff with unicorn too?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah.

[Sass]

He'll put on, like, he'll just, like, show his face and he'll be like, look at this, like, hideous, like, face filter I have on. And then chat GPT will be like, yeah, you look, like, disgusting.

[Harry]

And then he's like, I don't have a filter on. He just catches them line.

[Roan]

Damn, this hat is actually sick.

[Harry]

Yeah, it looks nice.

[Mark Normand]

Take it.

[Harry]

Take it down to golf.

[Roan]

I'm gonna wear. I'm gonna grow a beard and wear hats from now on.

[Sass]

That's not a bad idea.

[Harry]

So nice.

[Mark Normand]

That's a good call.

[Roan]

That's who I am now.

[Harry]

Just be a sovereign citizen. Just be, like, a guy who. Who knows his rights and, like, films and post offices and like that.

[Roan]

I love that.

[Mark Normand]

So did you guys have a boy dad? Like, what does that mean? Your dad was just a deadbeat or a. What is the boy dad?

[Sass]

The boy dad thing doesn't really come from anything. I guess it was. We started the show. I don't remember how long ago.

[Harry]

Five years ago.

[Roan]

Five years ago.

[Sass]

And it was just me and Roan in the beginning, and he came up with the name, but it was, I guess, a play on.

[Harry]

It's just a fucking retarded dumbass name. Has nothing to do with anything.

[Sass]

I guess, like, the idea is that we're all sons of boy dads, technically.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, that's what I thought.

[Sass]

Yeah. So it's very inclusive.

[Mark Normand]

Okay. Got it.

[Roan]

It's quite circular, too.

[Sass]

Yeah, exactly.

[Harry]

Everyone's a son of a boy dad every time.

[Sass]

It's a podcast for everybody, buddy.

[Mark Normand]

Got it.

[Harry]

We're all dudes. It was when Kobe was really pushing the. The girl dad thing and people really. That.

[Sass]

No, that was. That was after he died, though.

[Harry]

Yeah, but it was. But it's like girl dad. Like, he. He popularized being a girl dad. Girl dad. Like, where's the boy dads?

[Mark Normand]

He's a real helicopter parent. We're having fun.

[Harry]

We're having fun. It's funny. It's fun.

[Mark Normand]

Is that. Is that a Rogan way, right? It is. That's funny.

[Sass]

That is. I bought that. It was like $500.

[Mark Normand]

What?

[Roan]

Every time he says it, the price goes up.

[Harry]

What was it? What was it?

[Sass]

It was 400 it was like 350.

[Roan]

We can't have it on our table because the cameras focus on his face.

[Mark Normand]

You got Blackface Rogan.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Sass]

I thought it was really funny when I bought it, and then it just kind of became a weight to hold the carpet down.

[Harry]

It's not even doing a good job of that. That carpet is still curling.

[Sass]

Yeah, the carpet's still coming up.

[Roan]

But the iron ironic thing is that all this weight that I've put on comes from the fact that I got into kettlebell workouts as watching them from Rogan and other people on Instagram and stuff.

[Mark Normand]

So you are more weight from muscle.

[Roan]

It's. I think it's mostly muscle.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that's good.

[Roan]

Yeah, but I don't look good. I just look like I'm ready to tell people they can't come into a bar.

[Sass]

But isn't that what we're all striving for?

[Harry]

Yeah, that's not apex male.

[Sass]

To be able to tell someone, I

[Roan]

want to look like I'm for the season.

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Harry]

Golf season.

[Roan]

No, like football season. I want to look like I'm ready for football.

[Sass]

You're gonna have to keep gaining weight then.

[Roan]

Came back from ota. No, I'm receiver. You know what I mean? I want to look like a receiver.

[Sass]

Devonte Smith.

[Roan]

A.J. brown.

[Mark Normand]

That's a big year.

[Sass]

Weight, then.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Harry]

You're 62.

[Sass]

40.

[Roan]

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Life is a journey. Some feel. Some days feel good. Some days feel bad. So many of you have reached out to me, Francis, and asked me for help on your mental health journeys. And while I'm very honored and flattered to be solicited for such advice because I've been transparent about my own mental health issues and the benefits that I've received from working with a therapist, I'm not exactly equipped. I can only go so far. If you really want trained, licensed professionals, you need to go to BetterHelp. Okay. BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. If you aren't happy with your match, switch to a different therapist at any time from their tailored recommendations. And it works with an average rating of 4.9 out of 5 for a live session based on over 1.7 million client reviews. You don't have to be on this journey alone. Find support and have someone with you in therapy. Sign up and get 10% [e-mail] sun that's betterhelp.com Sun it's never too early to start your mental health journey. Good luck. You think? AJ, how tall is he?

[Harry]

He's six. 1, 2, 20, 225 or something like that.

[Mark Normand]

All right.

[Roan]

That's not that far off from where I'm at.

[Sass]

Well, you're like six three.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Harry]

This is. There's no need for you to be walking around like this.

[Roan]

6, 1, 2, 28. This is what we want. This is who I want to be. I'm gonna get a bunch of tattoos.

[Harry]

Why is he so shiny?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sass]

Why is he glistening?

[Roan]

Came from a Diddy party.

[Mark Normand]

That guy would have stopped a bike thief. Yeah, definitely. Or was he the stand in the

[Sass]

middle of the land?

[Harry]

He was probably just flying away on the bike train.

[Sass]

Like, that's what it said on the video.

[Harry]

What did it say?

[Sass]

That was the title of the thumbnail just said train. Like, like he's like a train.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, who's a freak?

[Harry]

Yeah, there's no, no reason to be walking around like that. It's just disrespectful to everybody else.

[Sass]

It's also a full time job.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, like that. Yes.

[Sass]

Like, you got to be training every day. Consist and like, you know, not just, not just one kettlebell workout.

[Roan]

I want to be. I want to be like the one on the right. On the right.

[Harry]

DK Metcalf.

[Roan]

DK Eats less candy still.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Harry]

Yeah. He has a. He eats one meal a day and like a bunch of candy. I refuse to believe that.

[Sass]

There's no way he's eating one meal a day unless the meal is like 20,000 calories.

[Harry]

Incredible bodies, Mark. Let me ask you this.

[Mark Normand]

Sorry. A little distracted.

[Harry]

You're walking through the city of New York. You ever look at dude's packages? You ever look.

[Mark Normand]

All the time.

[Harry]

Dudes. Balls.

[Mark Normand]

Constantly.

[Harry]

Balls and dick.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. The gray sweatpants. Guys walking around. I always have to take a check.

[Harry]

You have to. I really feel like dudes are just really flaunting their penises in this day and age. And it's like, I don't know. I. I don't know if it's like disrespectful or respectful to. To just like get.

[Mark Normand]

Get a.

[Harry]

Get a sense of their penis.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I'm. I'm a urinal looker. Oh, yeah.

[Harry]

I'll go the extra or even urinal. Wow.

[Mark Normand]

Well, I'm very insecure with my genitalia, so I have to know where I'm at that.

[Harry]

Oh, always assessing. Always assessing the people around you. The Barstow, Chicago office just got a trough.

[Mark Normand]

Like an old school trough. Don't let me in there.

[Harry]

You're just gonna camp out. Let's examine it. Just posted up with a stool in the trough.

[Mark Normand]

And you know, I'm not. I'm not huge. I'm not tiny, but, you know where I get is my balls are saggy, so I don't get that ball lift. You know, like when you're a tight ball. Yeah, we. Tight ball. It pushes up the dong so you get that little. Little lump.

[Sass]

I'm the always talk about. I got real long balls.

[Mark Normand]

Same hang. What's wrong with us?

[Harry]

Like a necklace in, like a. A jewelry store window house. Just like perched up there underneath the lights.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Harry]

You need a nice, tight sack for that.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. So I think I would have a decent bulge if I had a. Had a good sack, but my sack

[Harry]

is on my knees that Sass's problems has been going. And Sass has been going through this for the last five years since we've had this show. He's always had long balls. Yeah, at the bottom of your pants right now.

[Sass]

It is true, though. They don't. They don't. There's no prop. What?

[Mark Normand]

Right. No prop up.

[Sass]

Just a hang.

[Mark Normand]

Sometimes in a cold pool, you get a prop when you get out that. That feels pretty good.

[Harry]

But is there a way that you can, like, shorten the string? You know what I mean? Shorten the yo yo string and pull them up? Or is it like. Is it pure?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Harry]

Nut lift. Get the lift. Girls can get a boob job. We can't just get our nuts.

[Mark Normand]

Like, we should hit it with Botox. Botox.

[Harry]

Francis, you've been conspicuously quiet. I know you got a tight sack.

[Roan]

No, I don't.

[Mark Normand]

Sack as bald as your cheek.

[Harry]

He's got a bald sitting on an orange. No droop to his sack at all.

[Sass]

It's not good.

[Roan]

It's the same.

[Harry]

It's a cartoon penis.

[Roan]

My sack is above my penis. No, it's. It's the same that your guys is describing. In fact, I. I had a doctor's appointment a long time ago now where they were like, that's too long. These are so long that you. You could be affecting your sperm count.

[Sass]

Whoa, really?

[Harry]

Because they're nowhere near your body. Yeah, like a lawyer's desk.

[Roan]

We're gonna need to monitor this because I remember there was some medical thing they were quite concerned about. And then I saw a different primary care physician years later, and the guy was like, you're okay. But it has always worried me. I think that.

[Harry]

How do they check that? Were they just like.

[Roan]

Yeah, I mean, it's not for nothing that, you know, in order for me to come sexually, I need Sexually.

[Mark Normand]

Thanks for adding that.

[Roan]

I need them hoisted a little bit.

[Mark Normand]

I need them by the lady.

[Roan]

Yeah. Not need it, it just helps.

[Mark Normand]

I enjoy a hoist.

[Roan]

I. I need the. I need the dumbwaiter.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Roan]

It's a bit like, you know, when you were a kid and you'd get to the bottom of the giant water cooler in sports and there was only a little bit left and you'd lift the whole thing to tilt it. Yes, I need them lifted so they're closer to the sound.

[Harry]

Oh. To like spill it like your water in a plant at the end of sex.

[Mark Normand]

Do you throw your balls on the coach?

[Harry]

There's a really good.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Ball. Ball play is great, but women like a tight sack. They don't want that weird over easy pendulum.

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Harry]

Yeah. They love a tight sack and I. I just wish they would be more open about it. Like you hear it from time to time, but that's got to be one of their main things.

[Roan]

Well, this is why I only have sex with. With my pants on through the fly.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, nice.

[Sass]

Hide the sack completely.

[Roan]

Yeah. Well, I need the oral or I'll have it with my underwear on and I'll go through the thing because I have a built in shelf in this.

[Sass]

I see.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Sass]

You're automatically being lifted.

[Harry]

Oh. Because you're a brief man.

[Roan]

They told me. They told me I had to be a brief guy when that, When I had that issue with the.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa.

[Roan]

They were like, you got a switch. Whatever you're doing is just. It's not. It's dragging them down.

[Sass]

Maybe that's my issue because I got. No. I have no support at all. I'm. I wear big boxers.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that's. No, that's large.

[Sass]

It's like a pair of shorts.

[Roan]

You might as well tie like a kettlebell to them.

[Mark Normand]

There you go.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Sass]

What is that? Jelking?

[Harry]

Is that tying it to your balls or is that tying it to your. Your bird?

[Sass]

I think it's your penis. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Harry]

Are you familiar with Gel king?

[Mark Normand]

Is that where you put a weight on there? Yeah, I've seen that.

[Harry]

Yeah. Which seems like a timeless technique, but it seems like it also is like experiencing a rebirth. Like more people are. The youth are finding joke.

[Sass]

Youth are getting into Jail King at a rapid pace.

[Roan]

There was a famous pianist, I can't remember a composer who. Who wished that he could have a wider. His hands weren't big enough to play like tenths or whatever. And it bothered him so he started putting his hands in these like. Like spacers and it up his hands to the degree that he could no longer play.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa.

[Sass]

Yeah, that's not. That's not that surprise. I'm not surprised by that. It feels like that's kind of a recipe for disaster.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Sass]

But then rock probably works similar with Jelking as well.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sass]

Just stops working. We've doubled in size in the last month.

[Roan]

Rachmaninoff had huge hands. Famously.

[Mark Normand]

Interesting.

[Harry]

That's why Kawhi Leonard's so good at piano.

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Six.

[Mark Normand]

Six. Yeah. That's rare in the 13th century.

[Sass]

Yeah. That's crazy. Imagine being six, six back then. They probably just. You're probably just. People are probably just trying to kill you all the time.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sass]

Just trying to drink your blood, witch.

[Harry]

Jesus Christ.

[Roan]

Tyler, who was the guy, the. The pianist who up his hands by trying to make them bigger anytime you. Schumann. Yeah, there you go. Yeah. Schumann. It's really too bad. Great composer.

[Harry]

Oh, really Tiny little hands, though.

[Sass]

Had to switch to composing after he destroyed his hands.

[Roan]

I might be thinking of Schubert maybe.

[Sass]

Oh, yeah. He's got tiny little hands.

[Harry]

The Asian ladies that would bind their feet, they would it up in the kind of the inverse way of that they try to have like the cute little tight feet the way that I think. I guess Asian men were like women of today. They just like a tight little foot like we the women. Like a tight ball sack. Maybe it's just you wanted like a little speck of a foot foot.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. It's feminine, I guess, but I'm not a foot. I wish I was a foot guy.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Got it made because people give it

[Harry]

away for free by accident.

[Mark Normand]

Exactly. Flip flops and open toe barefoot. They're all. They're all out there.

[Sass]

Yeah. Feet. Doesn't that. That doesn't do it for me.

[Mark Normand]

Nothing?

[Sass]

Nothing.

[Mark Normand]

I've stared at them like, come on. It's like gay porn where you're like, maybe something will happen.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Harry]

It would just be so much more simple.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sass]

If anything, it has the opposite effect. Like the. It's more gross same than anything else.

[Harry]

I don't.

[Sass]

I'm not. I just don't really want to see anyone's feet.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Harry]

Just.

[Mark Normand]

I don't care.

[Harry]

But there's some people. I mean, Hollywood, you know, Jersey Jerry. Jersey Jerry. Yeah. There's a guy who works for us that got caught, but then he got foot foot fished and like a man put his foot under or something and he like got horny from it. And it was like just a dude's foot. It's like, oh, you're gay now.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Harry]

Who end up gay.

[Mark Normand]

You think you'd see, like the little it. Yeah.

[Harry]

Look at those feet on the right. Those are the ones that got him. That was like, oh, those are hot ass feet.

[Roan]

Those are big cats.

[Sass]

Yeah. He shaved his head. He shaved his feet.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, what?

[Harry]

Big cat. Nice foot. I guess it's nice.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Harry]

Big toe looks a little bit.

[Mark Normand]

The anklet on. That's a Fred Flintstone on the left.

[Sass]

I totally forgot that Jerry did this.

[Harry]

Yeah, he got visibly horny on camera. Like he started salivating and then it's

[Roan]

like, what was the name of the show?

[Mark Normand]

That's great.

[Harry]

That's great.

[Mark Normand]

Now, is there a female body part that you think is underrated? I like, you know, I'm not talking tits, but even legs.

[Harry]

Vagina.

[Sass]

I guess I'm just into the standards.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Harry]

The small of the back, that's a good one.

[Roan]

I like the. The nape of the neck.

[Harry]

Neck.

[Mark Normand]

Ooh, the nape.

[Roan]

Where there's. Especially when they have their hair up and there's just a little bit of sort of fuzz.

[Mark Normand]

Ah, statutory nape. I'm a shoulder clavicle guy.

[Harry]

This.

[Mark Normand]

This area right here on a woman. Really? Oh, it drives me crazy. Yeah.

[Harry]

But what if they're like Ron Artest, like broad, like, clavicle, like. Or is it any clavicle will do it for you or just like a really nice.

[Mark Normand]

It's like anything. There's good clavicles and bad clavicles. Like I saw a woman the other day with that tube top thing where it just ends right here. Had these tan, kind of tight, muscular, almost shoulder. It looked great. It was. It was very hot.

[Harry]

A nice clavicle.

[Mark Normand]

Good clav.

[Harry]

Interesting.

[Sass]

Good collar bones.

[Mark Normand]

Interesting collar, daddy.

[Harry]

There's some people that are. That are super anti knee that are like disgusted by knees. That's like a phobia. Or like they. They're like. They get the quote unquote ick from knees. And I guess knees look pretty weird.

[Sass]

I guess.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I guess they do look kind of weird. Weird.

[Sass]

I don't know if it would be a make or break for me, though. No.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Harry]

Or if there's guys who are. Who love it, who are like beating off to the back of tiger.

[Roan]

Isn't it amazing how much an ankle can. Can make or break a woman, though?

[Mark Normand]

No way.

[Sass]

Sounds like that's your thing.

[Harry]

Oh, you're saying you hate a cankle?

[Roan]

That's what I'm saying.

[Harry]

You hate it.

[Mark Normand]

Ankles are tough.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Harry]

But that's like. I don't know. There's a sturdiness to a cankle.

[Mark Normand]

True.

[Harry]

That, you know, kind of suggests that they could maybe have, like, 14 or 15 kids or something. Or walk from Venezuela.

[Mark Normand]

She's not getting pushed off her bike.

[Harry]

There's something very respectable about a cankle. You hate it.

[Roan]

I just don't love the idea that, like, if you cut their feet off, you could just stick them into a lawn and they'd be there, like, protecting against pigeons or something.

[Harry]

You want something fragile that can't really run away or make cuts in the woods or anything like that.

[Mark Normand]

I mean.

[Roan]

Well, I prefer athletic, but, yeah, sure, all of the above.

[Sass]

You should do a show where you got it. You get a bunch of people with. What is this? Genophobia.

[Roan]

How do you pronounce Genuphobia?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, wow.

[Sass]

And then just have all the comics wear shorts.

[Mark Normand]

Right. They might be harder to find, but

[Harry]

yeah, that's what like, Maury turned into after a while. Mori just, like, would bring out cats to people who had, like, a cat phobia and they would just sprint off.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Harry]

Like, why would you even go on Mori if that's the thing that, you know, that you're advertising, you know that they're gonna. With you.

[Sass]

I mean, this has to be pretty tough to even live with, right? Nausea or panic attacks at the side of sight of knees.

[Roan]

What if it turned out that this is what Harry had?

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Roan]

And all this time he's been like, yeah, I just. Every time I have a meal, I don't know, I. I get diarrhea. It's like, no, dude, you've just been around people with knees too much lately.

[Harry]

People's knees.

[Sass]

Turns out it was the knees that was getting me.

[Mark Normand]

Any phobias over here?

[Harry]

Not a phobia, but my thing that would make me sprint off the stage at Mori is when people rub two pieces of Styrofo together. Oh, it like.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that's a good one.

[Harry]

It, like, gets me, like. It. It, like, gets underneath my skin. Like, I can't even compose myself when I hear it.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Harry]

It's foul to me.

[Mark Normand]

Is that interesting?

[Sass]

I get a weird thing with cars.

[Mark Normand]

Come on.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

What? What the. Yeah, it's tough inside. Or just see being.

[Sass]

Being in them.

[Mark Normand]

Being in the right city, I guess.

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Harry]

You a phobia of cars.

[Roan]

Does it bother you when you're driving them?

[Sass]

No, not really. Being in the passenger.

[Roan]

Dude, I have a. I have this, too. I have this, too. I don't trust the person Driving.

[Sass]

It's not even like that. I'm not like even afraid of crashing. I guess it's just being in call. I don't know. I mean I had a bunch of panic attacks in cars when I was younger.

[Mark Normand]

What?

[Sass]

And then since then. Yeah, since then it's just been.

[Harry]

Is it claustrophobia?

[Sass]

It might be like some sort of form of that it has something to do with being in the car and not being able to get out of the car.

[Harry]

Do you feel it when you're on bike, a boat? Like,

[Mark Normand]

no.

[Sass]

But like I. I think that I'm going to like when we went on the fish week, I was, the whole time I was like, it's going to be a disaster. I'm going to freak out. I just get like. I think I just have like a panic disorder. And then I just like don't like being stuck.

[Mark Normand]

Right, right.

[Sass]

Like even like comedy, like being on stage. Like if I have to do like 15 minutes, I'm not nervous at all.

[Roan]

All.

[Sass]

But when I have to do a longer amount of time, I'm like, I'm going to be up there for a while.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa. Like traffic is horrible.

[Sass]

Like it honestly like depends on the day. Cuz sometimes I'll just be on my phone and I won't give a. But then other days I'll be in the back of the car and I'll be like, I got to crack the window.

[Mark Normand]

Got it.

[Sass]

Gasping for air.

[Mark Normand]

I'd love to get you and you and car with Tiger Woods. Yeah. See what happens. Road trip.

[Harry]

Do you have anything, do you have anything that you're like, this is a little bit weird.

[Mark Normand]

But my only thing, like I'm, I'm weird. I'm not worried about cancer. I ride without a helmet. I don't think about anything. But home invasion scares the out of me. I'm in bed. Like, you ever wake up at like 2am like I'll do edibles at night and I'm high and I wake up and I'm like, what was that? I heard something. I swear to God I heard something, man. I have a cat. So then my cat will walk in the room and I'm like, really? I have all these game plans like you did, where I'm like, all right, here's what I'll do. I'll keep a pipe over here and then I'll keep a thing over there and I'll hit the guy with a potted plant or whatever. I've got all these scenarios in my head.

[Sass]

Are you like that even in the City.

[Mark Normand]

Oh yeah. I live in Brooklyn. The first week we moved into our apartment, I was like, because we have two floors. I was like, this is it. It's gonna happen.

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

And oh my God, the city doesn't

[Sass]

get me as bad as the, like when I was growing up, I used to like my parents every night.

[Roan]

I hate to say it, Mark, but you know, I've lived in, you know, walk ups and whatever and moving into a doorman building, like that's pretty solved.

[Mark Normand]

That is good.

[Sass]

His place actually got broken into while he was asleep.

[Roan]

No, but that was not when I lived in a dorm.

[Harry]

I know, I know.

[Roan]

Yeah. I had a guy break into my apartment while I was asleep and I confronted him.

[Mark Normand]

Get the out of here.

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Roan]

I had to testify against him. Whoa. That grand jury.

[Mark Normand]

Sean lynch for half an hour. This is the good stuff. What happened? I mean I like, how did you, were you in your boxers?

[Roan]

I was naked.

[Harry]

His publess orange sack.

[Mark Normand]

Wow. Were you tight knit on the balls?

[Roan]

I had a sliding bedroom door and I, I, I was a, a small duplex. So they were like the bedroom in Chelsea.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, Chelsea.

[Roan]

The bed. It was the garden apartment. The bedroom was downstairs and like the living room kitchen were upstairs and I was in the bedroom. And then outside of my bedroom was my bureau, like my dresser or whatever in, in the hallway. And I heard someone pulling the drawers of the bureau open.

[Mark Normand]

Oh my Lord.

[Roan]

And I woke up and I, and you do that thing where you're like I must. Because 99 out of a hundred times.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Every other time in your life.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Roan]

You're like, ah, I'm just imagining it.

[Mark Normand]

Oh.

[Roan]

And so you're like. And, and, and in those instances you're proving to yourself.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Roan]

That you're imagining it. And then in this one it was like this is really happening. And I'm trying to prove. Does that make sense?

[Mark Normand]

I completely understand.

[Roan]

Anyway, so give me the whole thing. So I went quietly to the door and then listened and I, and then I like could really, I was certain. I mean the guy was four feet away. What if your drive was fueled by

[Sass]

with more like more protection for more

[Mark Normand]

time on the road.

[Sass]

Shelby Power Nitro plus provides more protection

[Mark Normand]

for longer lasting engines.

[Roan]

So it helps you keep your engine

[Sass]

running like new for whatever drive is ahead. Shelby Power Nitro engine performance that lasts compare to minimum detergent gasoline. With continuous use of Shelby Power Nitro plus and gasoline direct injection engines. Actual effects and benefits may vary. See Shell us us more protection for more information.

[Roan]

And so I didn't know what to do, really? I mean, there was no lock on the door. It was a sliding door. And so I opened it a crack and saw him.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, my God. What do you look like, Hasidic Jew?

[Roan]

I have a photo of him. What? Yeah, I took a picture of him. Fuck. I wonder if I can find this at the time.

[Harry]

You took a picture, didn't you took

[Sass]

a photo when you found him outside, right?

[Roan]

No, he went upstairs. I. Here it is. I found it. Perfect.

[Sass]

Damn, I'm fast.

[Mark Normand]

Well, you didn't snap it.

[Roan]

No, it was. Because it was right around the time when I was growing the beard, so I was already way back in my. In my. In my.

[Sass]

That's crazy. Whoa.

[Mark Normand]

A young Hispanic man.

[Roan]

Yeah, well, I don't know how young he was, okay? Because he died shortly after this.

[Sass]

Good.

[Roan]

This story is crazy. And I know his pose in this.

[Harry]

Send this. Can you send this to Tyler, too? We could black out his face or something. Always dead.

[Roan]

But did you know you can't defame a dead person?

[Harry]

What do you mean?

[Roan]

Legally, it is not possible to commit def. Defamation against.

[Harry]

How the. Do you know?

[Roan]

How do you. What do you. How do you think I know about this writing?

[Harry]

The book?

[Roan]

The blog.

[Harry]

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

[Sass]

No, that makes sense.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

So you confronted him. What do you do there?

[Roan]

I had. I remember, decidedly keeping my. My penis like I was. It was like I was in the bathroom asking someone for a towel.

[Mark Normand]

Right, Right.

[Roan]

You know, I was like. And I went. I went, what are you doing? Whoa. And the guy goes, oh, sorry, I'm lost.

[Mark Normand]

Huh.

[Roan]

And then I was like, you're in my apartment and it's three in the morning. What the Are you doing doing? And he goes, chill out, man.

[Mark Normand]

I mean, you could have just shot him. How does he know you're not a psycho? He.

[Roan]

He was like. So maybe he was up or something. I don't know what it was, but he wasn't like, oh, I've been caught. I need to run.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah.

[Harry]

Even the picture. He's like,

[Roan]

what's the big deal in this picture?

[Mark Normand]

Let me finish.

[Roan]

He goes, why are you taking a picture of me? That's why he's saying. That's what he's saying.

[Mark Normand]

So you look.

[Roan]

And this one's blurry, but he's like, I'm having a conversation with him in the hall because he. All right, so he.

[Mark Normand]

He.

[Roan]

I had a door to the downstairs from the downstairs hallway that was like the basement.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Of the building. But then it didn't have an exit to the out Outside, or. So he had to get in the elevator to go up to the first floor to get out. So when he went out of my door, I knew he was going to get in the elevator. So then I, like, threw some shorts on and then ran up the stairs so that I could get a picture of him from my front entrance.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Roan]

As he stepped out of the elevator. And that's where I'm confronting him there. And I remember taking the picture. And he goes, why are you taking a picture of me? And I was like, you're. You broke into my apartment at three in the morning, in the middle of the night. I was like, get the out of here, man. Like, what are you doing?

[Mark Normand]

And were you prepared to throw down? Because he could have.

[Sass]

Didn't you have a knife?

[Harry]

Yeah. Were you looking around your room for something hard?

[Sass]

I thought you grabbed a knife from the kitchen.

[Roan]

Maybe I did. Honestly, I can't really remember if I, like, grabbed something at this point. I'm sure. I'm sure I did. And I've told this story before, so, you know, whatever the truth was then remains the truth.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Roan]

But you start to feel like you're lying.

[Harry]

You know what I mean?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah. But anyway, the picture, Louis Gomez.

[Roan]

And then I called the cops. And, you know, because they lived in Chelsea, they were there in, like, three minutes.

[Mark Normand]

Hell, yeah.

[Roan]

Which was like, oh, gentrified neighborhood. How nice. And so many of them came. I mean, there were like, truly. And you're like, oh, there's nothing going on at the precinct, right?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Roan]

And so, like, three of them came in to my apartment. They knocked, and first of all, two of them knew who I was.

[Mark Normand]

Hey, that's a good sign.

[Roan]

And they were. But they were, like, nice about it. They were like, I know who you are. And I'm like, oh, thank you. And. And then I told them what had happened, and then they were, like. Went outside, and then they were on the radio, and then they came back in, and they're like, all right, we found someone who matches your description, but we need you to come look at him because he's in the. He's in the. One of the cruisers. And we can't tell you, like, what he looks like.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Roan]

Which must have been.

[Harry]

It's like, a leading.

[Roan]

Yeah, they. It was like they didn't want to be like, is the guy you caught wearing this and this. Because I had told them what he was wearing, and I also had a fucking photo of him.

[Mark Normand]

Exactly.

[Roan]

Can. They were like, you need to come confirm with your eyes without Any sort of prep who we've caught as the guy you saw? I walked out, the window was down, and he's in the back of the car. He's got handcuffs on. I'm like, yeah, this is the guy. And again, he's like. He's not. He's, like, annoyed.

[Sass]

Yeah. Yeah, he definitely was on drugs.

[Mark Normand]

Definitely.

[Roan]

He was like, what's the deal? Like, why are you guys all making such a big deal out of this? And by the way, I should mention another fact, which is. And it's probably why I wasn't really afraid, which is that I'd seen this guy before.

[Sass]

Oh.

[Roan]

So I lived in, like, a building that had, like, seven apartments. And it was this, like, small converted townhouse where whatever. And one of the owners of the building also had an apartment in the building. And this dude was super weird. Weird? Really, really weird. Like, what's that, the owner? Yeah, one of the owners. It was like a family of guys. And none of them really liked this dude, but he had. Because he was in the family, like, he had part of the ownership and got one of the apartments.

[Harry]

A family of guys? Are you talking about a gay couple?

[Roan]

It was like, guys, you know, this Italian patriarchal family. And it was like the nephews had shares in the apartment project. And then, like, one of the cousins was the super, but he drove a Bentley. I mean, it was crazy. Like, I never knew what was going on, but I had seen them hanging out together before because the guy would always leave his fucking door open and he would play organ. Like, I'm not making any of this haunting organ music on full blast.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa.

[Roan]

Like, at weird hours of the. The night, and his door was open and he lived on my floor. So I. And then one time, and I saw them coming out one time, they like, at that time, they were kind of nice to me. They were like, oh, hey, you're the new guy. Yeah, this is the dude. Then, like, six months later, I find him in my apartment at 4 in the morning. Which is why when he was like, I got lost.

[Mark Normand]

That's kind of believable.

[Roan]

I was kind of like, oh, maybe he was just lost. Yeah, and couldn't find his way out and whatever.

[Sass]

Going through the dresser, though. Well, so looking for.

[Roan]

When I went to testify, you. I had to go meet at the. I had to go to the district attorney's office, which was weird because I had been a paralegal there for a year when I was, like, very early on, like, I'm not going anywhere in comedy. I need to get Serious with my life. So I was trying to go to law school, and this was the street crimes division, which was exactly where they were prosecuting this guy. And I had to meet with one of the assistant. The ADAs who was prosecuting the case and tell her everything. And she said that the reason that he was opening drawers and what they found because I also found that a number of documents that I had up in my kitchen, which were, like, credit card statements and things like that. He was looking for documents to steal my identity or sell my identity.

[Mark Normand]

Interesting.

[Roan]

So that's what he was doing.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Sass]

That's a tough task. That's going and breaking into someone's home, being like, I got to find the Social Security number certificate in here. It is.

[Roan]

But it's also probably not as hard as you'd think. You know, everyone had a lot of.

[Harry]

If he weren't home, he probably would have thrived. And just. If he had all night.

[Roan]

Yes.

[Sass]

I don't. I think that would take. Like, if you were to go to my apartment and be like, I gotta find something that I'm gonna be able to steal his identity with. You'd be tearing the place up for two hours.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Harry]

It just probably doesn't exist.

[Sass]

Social Security, like, my. My Social Security card's got to be, like, at the bottom of a box.

[Roan]

But is that the only thing in your apartment that has your Social Security number on it?

[Mark Normand]

Maybe some mail, a bank statement? I don't know.

[Roan]

That's what I'm saying. Like, this guy was trying out to figure. Find lots of papers, and he could. Whatever.

[Mark Normand]

So how'd he die?

[Roan]

I only found that out after the fact. The. The district attorney, the woman. The funniest thing that happened was that finally she. I haven't been trying to be funny. I've been trying to tell this as fast as possible.

[Mark Normand]

Okay?

[Roan]

The funniest thing. The one funny thing that had happened in my story is that I was at Barstool at the time, and she was like, look, by the way, I've become aware that you've told this story now on your radio show, that you have written a blog about it and you've been tweeting about it, and it's getting very hard to paint you as a victim in this case.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, shit.

[Roan]

Given how much light you are making of it. With that said, though, it's. What I've seen has been very funny. And I was like, you should have started with that, because it's easier for me to accept criticism when it's couched in Praise.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa.

[Roan]

But then I had to testify in front of the grand jury, which, you know, went in, like, dressed up for it. And then, you know, you're in front of, like, I don't know, 30 or 40 people or whatever, and they're just asking you questions to determine if there's enough evidence to prosecute the case. But what I found out after that, because I don't think the case went to trial, was that this dude had actually been an informant for presumably the DA's office or something.

[Sass]

What?

[Mark Normand]

What?

[Roan]

And had been informing and, like, helping them out. And was killed because I think he was. It was found out. He was found out to have been an informant.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, my God.

[Sass]

That's crazy.

[Roan]

And the DA's office told me so

[Mark Normand]

many layers to this.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Harry]

Is he trying to get out from under the case of, like, stealing your identity? And he's like, here, I'll work with you guys again.

[Roan]

It's one of those weird things. You might have killed him, where I'm

[Mark Normand]

like, if you would just let the

[Harry]

guy walk away, he'd still be with his family today. You had to be a hero. Call 91 1.

[Roan]

Still, to this day, I'm not 100% sure that he was actually doing anything wrong.

[Mark Normand]

He's going through your drawers three in the morning.

[Roan]

I know. It's. It's a. It's certainly. I don't feel bad about calling the police and. And doing what I did, but, like, given that he was an informant, given that he knew the guy and was probably, like, partying with him and up.

[Mark Normand]

Sure.

[Roan]

Like, there was a way for him to not know how to get out. But, yeah, the drawer thing made no fucking sense.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Roan]

And the papers and whatever.

[Mark Normand]

Anyway, I do think he was fucked up.

[Sass]

Yeah, definitely.

[Roan]

You guys know me. You know, I'm a bit of a snob when it comes to clothing. All right. This is not new information, which is why I was so surprised when I was sent my first package of quints. They're linen shirts and T shirts star starting at $34 are of a high quality that I've come to expect from spending far more on stuff I don't end up feeling happy about ultimately. Honestly, guys, Quince just makes getting dressed simpler. Quince has been my go to. The fabrics feel elevated. The fits are clean. Everything just works without needing to overthink it. They have all the wardrobe staples you need for spring and summer. Think 100% European linen shorts and shirts, again, from just $34. Their pants also hit that same balance. Relaxed and Comfortable, but still polished enough to wear to pretty much anywhere. Everything is priced 50 to 80% less than what you'd find at similar brands. Quince works directly with the ethical factories, cuts out the middleman. So you're getting premium materials without the markup. Refresh your everyday with luxury you'll actually use. Head to quince.com boydead for free shipping on your your order and 365 day returns. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com boydad for free shipping and 365 day returns.

[Mark Normand]

Quince.com boydad so I got robbed in the West Village. I'll be short, but I'm not.

[Roan]

Brevity is not the soul of my wit in a way.

[Mark Normand]

I was out doing spots and my girlfriend at the time, time, she said, I'm out at a dinner with some friends. I'm right by your house, can I. We weren't dating that long. We didn't live together. She's like, can I just go to your house? And I was like, yeah, sure. So she goes to my house, she's like, your door's wide open and there's a bunch of furniture knocked over. And I was like, ah, shit. All right. So I ran home and I get there, she's drunk out of her mind. She was at a party or something and she's like, this is crazy. I think somebody broke in. And then she. She just falls asleep on the couch. I was like, okay. So I go in the bedroom. My bedroom window is opened up on the fire escape and I see footprints on the bed. So you're like, oh my God. It's just so violating. TVs there, laptops there, everything's there. Ipod, everything. There was one drawer that I had in a dresser that I kept all my spot pay in. So like, I would go do the seller, I'd go to the stand, New York, and I would just throw 25 bucks in, 100 bucks in, whatever. It was probably like 8 grand of accumulated money. I had mushrooms, weed in there. I. I had a slingshot, brass knuckles, baseball car. It was like a cool guy drawer. Yeah, like you were a kid. I had condoms and whatever and he took everything out of the drawer and just bolted.

[Harry]

What? How did he know the drawer was there? Or just like typical top drawer.

[Mark Normand]

It was the first dresser. When you walk in, I just, I think you open that. He was like, great. Drugs.

[Roan]

Jackpot.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Roan]

It's like he put it here for me.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Ken Griffey Jr. I'm out of here.

[Harry]

What kind of like cartoon break in is this? So that he flipped all of the furniture and left footprints behind and went out the window.

[Mark Normand]

Well, fuck, I guess I should probably

[Harry]

flip like tiptoeing out with a burglary

[Mark Normand]

mask on or I shouldn't say flipped all the furniture. I had a coffee table like this and a chair. And he put the chair, he flipped it in front of the door, like in case somebody came in.

[Harry]

In.

[Sass]

Oh yeah.

[Mark Normand]

I don't know what the hell he was thinking. But she said your door was unlocked. There was a chair when I opened the door. There's a chair in front of it. So I guess he thought that would do something. And then I think he moved the coffee table, like just get this out of my way.

[Harry]

And you called the cops or called

[Mark Normand]

the cops and they caught him. Fingerprint.

[Roan]

Oh, no way.

[Mark Normand]

Apparently had broken into a ton of places and they've been looking for him.

[Sass]

Damn.

[Mark Normand]

But I had a way worse experience than you, cuz first of all, the cops come in, I got a passed out gal like a cocktail dress. They're like, oh, this is weird. I was like, I have a ton of cash and drugs here. Stole all that.

[Roan]

He's still here.

[Mark Normand]

So then they go out to like check me out. So they go out to the car, check me out and they google me. And I guess my clips came up and they were not into it. They came back and they're like, oh, some kind of comedian, huh? We didn't care for it. I was like, okay. And then they called me like a week later and they found the guy.

[Harry]

Did they recover any of the stuff? Did they recuperate any?

[Mark Normand]

It was cash and drugs, so you can't really claim it. I could just make up up any number I could be like, I told 10 grand.

[Roan]

And then presumably if you were to like go through what, renters, insurance or something like that, would that have covered it?

[Mark Normand]

No, I don't think so. I don't even have insurance.

[Harry]

Damn.

[Roan]

Damn.

[Harry]

Is that why you're scared? Because of that experience or you were already scared and what is Francis's story like? Does that scare you?

[Mark Normand]

That's the out of me. It's. I got broken into a lot as a kid and I walked in on a couple robberies and my parents got held up at gunpoint in the house.

[Harry]

Wayne.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I wish. Jesus Christ was. I didn't get the, the toughness out of it. I got the scared out of it.

[Harry]

Jesus Christ.

[Mark Normand]

So I think that me, I think that's why I Was a bedwetter. I had a lot of trauma.

[Roan]

Yeah, that'll do that.

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Roan]

That reminds me of my favorite joke I ever saw you tell, which was on the Tonight show when you were like, it must just be a cup of piss.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah, yeah. With the bed of the FR. Friend's house. And he was like, what the hell happened? I was like, I spilled a cup of piss. I had to fight for piss. They wanted me to say pee. I was like, piss is funnier.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Sass]

That's crazy.

[Harry]

This is sanitary. What are they talking about? It's sterile.

[Roan]

I think you can see Fallon, like, shaking with laughter when you say that bit too in the background. He's like a shadow.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Yeah. Those are fun times.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Now let you do a late night show and two people. People see it.

[Harry]

Yeah. Is that just cook now going on late night shows?

[Mark Normand]

You get the credit, I guess, out of it. Like, I can say I was on Jimmy Fallon, but no one's gonna see it. The clip of the show will do better than the show.

[Harry]

Yeah, just like the still photo of you having done it.

[Sass]

Yeah. I remember like Ian Lara telling me that like, like, occasionally after he'll do like, Fallon, he'll just get like an email from someone. Like, people like, email him and be like, really loved the set.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sass]

But like, that's it.

[Mark Normand]

One good thing is it's clean. So you get like a corporate gig out of it. Maybe. Like, we saw you on Jimmy Fallon. We'd love to hire you for an hour. And you're like, I can't do a clean hour.

[Sass]

Yeah. At a corporate gig. Sounds like hell.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, I've done. I just did one last weekend. The pay is incredible. But they, they're always a. Always.

[Roan]

I've been doing a lot of member guest golf tournaments lately. Not easy.

[Mark Normand]

Not easy. You're working out there outdoors.

[Roan]

That is rough cigar, men's mouths full of cigar. Nobody's laughing around us.

[Mark Normand]

Just counting the minutes.

[Roan]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Sass]

I mean, the one that they had you do, it's like the timing also. It's like they were. They wanted you to do it before, like the kickoff of the member guest.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Roan]

It's always on the opening night. So there's been like a practice round and then like everyone's saying hi. People been flying in.

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Roan]

They're all each other in years and like they're catching up. And then some. Some guy's like, you know, hey, by the way, everyone gather around. We got a comedian. Please walk.

[Mark Normand]

Right?

[Roan]

And you're like, no ho. No host, no Opener, horrible acoustics. Mic doesn't work every time. Just. And people are like, who. Who the.

[Mark Normand]

I don't know.

[Roan]

This guy. I'm gonna go back to drinking, talking to my friends that I spent, you know, grew up with.

[Harry]

When you do, it is often like, a brand or like a company that you can tailor some material to, or are you just like, let me just do what I do.

[Mark Normand]

I just did one for a steel company. It was like a steel Pittsburgh steel company.

[Sass]

Oh, so you're getting paid that. They must be crazy.

[Mark Normand]

And then it's all a bunch of, like, steel guys. Like, iron bearing guys. So they were. They were actually cool. But the only real laughs I got was I googled the dude who owned the company. And it's just. I don't give too much away. I might get in trouble. But it's a big German guy. So I was like, all right, steel, German. So I went out there and I was like, this guy's, what, a Nazi, huh? He probably built the concentration camps, all that steel. I probably did the railroad. And then you're like, all right, so I gotta. I gotta marry. And they're like, yeah, they want their. They want you to with their people, but they don't hear your stuff. Yeah, that's corporate for you.

[Sass]

Didn't you do. I feel like I saw a clip of you talking about doing one where, like, you were. They gave you, like, a list of things to say.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Sass]

And they were like. But then they were like, what the are you doing?

[Mark Normand]

I did one in Toronto. Great money again. And the guy met me outside. He's like, I'm a huge fan. You gotta do this joke. I love this joke. And I was like, oh, this is gonna be great. This guy loves my stuff.

[Roan]

He's.

[Mark Normand]

He's quot jokes. I got this. It's gonna be a cakewalk. And I go upstairs. It's all these rich guys in suits at, like, a fancy restaurant. Horrible mic, you know, feedback. And I'm bombing. I'm bombing. And the guy's in the front row going like, come on. I'm like, oh, I'll do the jokes he picked. And those jokes bomb. At one point, he looks up at me, goes, what are you doing? And I'm like, I'm doing comedy, you idiot.

[Harry]

This is what you asked for.

[Mark Normand]

You wanted these jokes you like. But he acted like I was, like, blowing, like I was doing something wrong. I'm like, this is what stand up is.

[Roan]

Oh, my God. I'm doing stand up.

[Mark Normand]

It's just not working.

[Roan]

I came.

[Sass]

What are you doing?

[Roan]

Is crazy. I did one in Vegas. It was for like a hedge fund and the whole. They were doing a corporate retreat and at lunch they had a keynote speaker who was Alex Honnold from Free Solo.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that guy.

[Roan]

He's unbelievable.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Roan]

He came out and did this whole PowerPoint presentation or like slides and stuff. Clearly he tours this.

[Mark Normand]

Sure.

[Roan]

In a corporate environment when he needs a paycheck. And like it was so seamless and he was tying in like, you know, business and like professional themes to like his ascent of El Cap and like being like, you know, trying to like teach and like it was funny and cool and daring and all this. And then everyone filed into this, like small theater that had a huge stage that was way above everyone. And I went up, no opener, 45 minutes. And then the CEO of the firm came on and apologized for me.

[Mark Normand]

Oh no, 45 is too long for anybody. You could have a Cat Williams up there.

[Harry]

What did he say? What was the apology?

[Roan]

He was like, hey everybody. Obviously we didn't really know what we were getting ourselves into there.

[Sass]

No.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, no. Painful.

[Harry]

Just their side stage.

[Roan]

I. Yeah, I mean, I hadn't gotten paid yet.

[Mark Normand]

The only thing worse than bombing on those is being, you know, insulted like that. Yeah, yeah, you got a double whammy.

[Harry]

Yeah, it was his fault. I mean, why do they continue to book comics if I've only ever heard stories about it going poorly?

[Mark Normand]

I think, I wonder this too. I think in their mind they're picturing like, I'll book this guy. Everybody's gonna be howling, laughing and high fiving each other. We have a great night, but it just never turns out that way. You got HR in the room. Doesn't work for me.

[Roan]

It's that they see me at a conference comedy club and they've had a great time there and they think that that environment will translate to their work. They're like, I want to bring my people into this. It's like, well then bring them to the comedy club.

[Harry]

Yeah, why not put on a whole

[Sass]

even that doesn't work though.

[Harry]

Or like have an opener and like

[Roan]

multiple acts, you can, you can try to express that. But then, you know, they just don't get. My attitude is these are not going to go well no matter what. So I always want to give, get in, rip the band aid off, get paid and get the home.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. My, my worst one, I did a show at the seller went well. This guy goes, I'm a big fan of your stuff. I like how you, you're you're dark. You say crazy. I want you to do my hedge fund roast. My hedge fund. And I was like, okay. Paid a lot of money. It was up in Westchester. Took the Metro north up. I get there, it's at a golf course with, like, Ferrari, you know, Lamborghini in the crowd, Bentley. I was like, oh, my God, this is a big deal. I go in and he gave me like a cheat sheet of all these crazy zings on people. Like, wait, this guy cheats on his wife. This guy's a cokehead. This guy's actually gay. This guy's whatever. And so I was like, oh, this is gonna be great. I gotta. I got it all written for me. So the guy goes up, slick hair, suit, cigar. And he's like, all right. I saw this guy at a comedy club. He's hilarious. He's gonna roast us. It's gonna be great. And everybody's like, woo. All right. It's big balloon ballroom, round tables. Everybody's with their family. There's kids there. And I go up and I'm like, hey, so is that Bob in accounting? And everybody's like, hey, Bob. Bob's doing this, you know? And I'm like, yeah, we all know you're actually gay. And his wife's like, I knew it.

[Sass]

So that pops.

[Mark Normand]

So I was like, oh, okay. Hey, Rob, we all know you're doing blow in the break room. And he's like, what? The two cops come in, they arrested, arrest Rob. You know, it was just like every horrible thing. And I was like, this guy cheats on his wife, his wife's there. It all was horrible. And that was like six minutes in. So I see the guy in the back like, oh, no. What the are you doing? I'm like, you gave me this dirt. Pull this out of my ass. And then I started trying to go into my act of like, cereal's weird. What's up with that? And they hated me. So I think I did probably like 16 minutes and got the hell out of there.

[Harry]

You just caught it on yourself. You just pulled your. Pulled your own leash.

[Mark Normand]

No, I was like, kind of doing this. Let's go. Let's wrap it up. This is not working. But they always act like it's your fault. And I'm like, you booked me and you gave me these notes.

[Roan]

So, yeah, I hate to do it. I have to jump out. Flight, right?

[Harry]

You're good, brother.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Are you gonna. You're gonna be all right?

[Roan]

Probably not.

[Harry]

Oh, no.

[Roan]

It was worth it. This was really fun. I really enjoyed it.

[Mark Normand]

Ah. I feel it was a LaGuardia.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

All right. We can get you there.

[Roan]

I'll be all right.

[Harry]

You'll be fine. Thank you for coming in, bro. You're the man.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Sass]

You got anything you want to promote

[Mark Normand]

at all or watch? Watch my special Netflix. We might be Drunk Tuesday stories. And I'll see you on the road. Thanks for having me.

[Sass]

Thanks, Mark.

[Harry]

That was awesome. You're the man.