Nick Mullen: Part One | Son of a Boy Dad #386

Summary

Podcast Summary: Son of a Boy Dad #386

Guest: Nick Mullen
Date: March 24, 2026
Host: Barstool Sports
Special Co-hosts: Dave Portnoy, Francis, Harry

Overview

In this episode, comedian Nick Mullen joins the Son of a Boy Dad crew for a freewheeling, hilarious conversation that ranges from chance celebrity encounters and comedic war stories to ruminations on modern masculinity, podcasting culture, and utterly deranged hypothetical scenarios. The group moves at breakneck speed through barstool history, cultural references, strange jobs, pop culture, adolescence, and the absurdities of adulthood—anchored by Nick's sardonic, razor-sharp commentary.
Throughout, the tone is irreverent, quick-witted, deeply unserious, and quintessentially Barstool.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Running Into Jerry Seinfeld & Comedy Fandom

• Francis recounts a breakfast encounter with Jerry Seinfeld in Minneapolis. Jerry’s standoffish reputation led to a convoluted “Trojan horse” introduction via opener Ryan Hamilton, resulting in a moment of relief from Seinfeld when he realized Francis didn't want a picture.
  • "I could see Seinfeld relax. He's like, 'Oh, he's not gonna ask me for a picture.'" – Francis (03:46)
• Nick Mullen jokes he’d act like “bad Kramer” around Seinfeld until Jerry snapped, poking fun at comedy heroes and how too much reverence can be silly.
  • "I would act like Kramer... not even good at it." – Nick Mullen (01:48)
• The group debates whether Seinfeld has truly done anything legendary since the show.

2. Early Barstool & Internet Culture

• Nick's first exposure to Barstool was seeing raunchy, viral videos on his cousin’s phone, expecting the brand to be entirely shock-value clips.
  • "My cousin showed me a video... That was on—I was like, 'What is this website?'" – Nick Mullen (05:49)
• Discussion of the evolution of Barstool: from wild viral clips and Chive adjacency to a complex, multi-platform media business.
• The chat touches on catchphrases like "Viva La Stool" and trends like "Keep Calm and Chive On," debating their origins and odd appropriations in American internet culture.

3. Comedy Circles & Sketches Never Made

• Nick & Francis reminisce about a sketch idea ("Trans Terminator") that never made it past the concept stage, and discuss the difficulty of finding comics to play physically imposing roles in sketches.
• Aaron Berg's legendary crowd work is dissected:
  • "If you repeated any of it... people would be like, 'and then he went to jail.'" – Nick Mullen (14:01)
  • Multiple stories are shared about being roasted mercilessly at clubs by Berg.

4. Old-School Internet & Viral Moments

• Barstool’s early viral videos: Women at bars, surprise nudity, even a legendary fish at the Jersey Shore—all part of the pre-social media scramble for attention.
• Discussion on early internet phenomena, how brands like Barstool and Chive defined masculine internet humor in the late-2000s/early-2010s.

5. Counterfeiting Stories & Law-Bending Antics

• Dave Portnoy shares a wild firefighter banquet story—local legend, counterfeiting, buying up watermelons at Chinese markets with fake $100s, and mafia run-ins.
  • “He’s actively counterfeiting. And he only hits Chinese markets because he’s like, ‘they can’t tell the difference.’” – Dave Portnoy (16:25)
• Group reminisce on their own (failed) forays into making fake IDs or printing money as dumb kids and the fear that every minor crime would bring the FBI to their door.

6. Japan’s Modern Problems: Sex & Media

• Japan’s male porn star shortage is riffed on, segueing into the broader “crisis” of young men worldwide not having sex or social lives.
  • "30 to 40% of the male population in Japan has never fucked." – Nick Mullen (21:10)
• The hosts (in jest and seriousness) tie this to technology, anime, and a global swing toward asceticism or religious devotion.
  • "Everyone’s going to be Muslim and like… heavy on religion. Religion’s back." – Harry (22:33)

7. Consumer Culture: Water, Clothing, and Apartment Woes

• Extended riff on the absurdity of bottled water preferences:
  • "Arrowhead is like filtered through a coal miner's... it's foul." – Dave Portnoy (29:07)
  • "Evian's disgusting... there's like baby oil in it." – Nick Mullen (29:15)
• Japanese denim, Muji, and fashion: Nick jokes about "being too fat for Muji," comparing Japanese brands to Kmart, the odd cultural reverse-exoticism.
• Multiple stories about buying, moving, and destroying couches, with Francis warning about couch doctors who nearly sawed through his floor (and his security deposit).
  • "They just went too far... I lost my whole security deposit because of it." – Francis (51:49)

8. DIY, Tinkering, and Old Jobs

• Nick details his love of fixing things, from couch repairs to custom building a TV console with matching speaker stands:
  • “I built the television console... two towers... bookshelf speakers I built stands for...” – Nick Mullen (73:06)
• Anecdotes of call center jobs with “dumb nerds” (32:17), pizza retention attempts, and competitive eating contests gone wrong.
• Soldering irons, hot tweezers, and tinkering with electronics—Nick is deep into the DIY life.

9. Fake IDs & Adolescent Paranoia

• Multiple hosts recount failed attempts at using fakes, the petty tyranny of bowling alley bouncers, and the childhood fear of “being arrested for printing money.”
  • "The guy comes back with photocopies of the IDs. You're like, it's over, we're going to jail." – Harry (59:20)
• Reflection on growing up, learning you can “get out of trouble without calling your parents,” and the ever-present anxiety of youth.

10. Pop Culture Deep Dives & Absurd Pitches

• Whiplash (the movie) is debated ad nauseam—its title, plot, drumming, acting, Oscar history, and why it’s so re-watchable.
• Hilarious, satirical pitch for a “black guy on the Titanic” film that would weave through all the major plot points of Titanic, offering a parallel, progressively absurd narrative.
  • "The group would find out... there's a black guy on the Titanic running around and they're trying to capture him... The reason Billy Zane's OK with Jack [is] at least she's not that black guy." – Nick Mullen (89:01)
• The gang riffs on Blippi (the children’s YouTuber) and his notorious pre-kid’s-content "Harlem Shake" scat video:
  • "He projectile [defecates] into a guy's ass... And now he's the biggest children's content creator in the world." – Dave Portnoy (63:59)
• Revisiting the Coney 2012 doc and the fate of its creator.
• Retrospective on “cause bracelets”—from Livestrong (testicular cancer) to Save Darfur, riffing on the contrivance of cause-marketing.

11. Late-Night Chatter: Cabs, Ubers, and Lost Comfort

• Complaints about Uber rides, Tesla’s bumpy rides, and nostalgia for full-size American sedans—especially the Crown Vic.
  • "Teslas are way more herky-jerky... the Princess and the pea!" – Harry (75:43)
• Nick laments his totaled 1994 Grand Marquis:
  • "I had that car... before it got totaled. Wasn't my fault. I was devastated." – Nick Mullen (77:08)

12. Bits on Masculinity, Purpose, and the State of Adulthood

• Underlying everything is the show’s running joke: Lil Sasquatch (Sas) has dropped out of college and tumbles through adult life looking for meaning, while Nick, Rone, and guests impart questionable wisdom ranging from “eat more groceries” to “learn to 3D print a ghost gun.”
  • "We gotta 3D print them. You gotta learn how to make your own gun... the era of buying a gun is over." – Nick Mullen (56:35)
• Frequent reminders that nobody really knows what adulthood means, punctuated with perfectly deadpan asides, e.g., “I signed up for the Nathan’s contest and you eat the bread but shove the hot dog up your ass...” (35:54)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• "Just act like Kramer badly... just follow him around the hotel." – Nick Mullen on meeting Seinfeld (01:48)
• "If you repeated any of [Aaron Berg’s bits]... people would say, ‘he went to jail.’” – Nick Mullen (14:01)
• "Why can't I print money? The government's allowed to print money." – Nick Mullen (18:49)
• "Thirty to forty percent of Japanese men have never fucked." – Nick Mullen (21:10)
• "Everyone’s going to be Muslim. Religion’s back!" – Harry (22:33)
• "Arrowhead is like filtered through a coal miner’s, it’s foul." – Dave Portnoy (29:07)
• "I'm trying to trick other people into becoming pipe guys." – Nick Mullen on his latest hobby (39:24)
• "The era of buying your gun, that's a thing of the past." – Nick Mullen (56:41)
• "What if a black guy was on the Titanic? No one could let the passengers know." – Nick Mullen, pitch for a parallel Titanic movie (89:01)
• "He projectile [defecates] into a guy’s ass. Now he’s the children’s content king." – Dave Portnoy on Blippi (63:59)
• "I had a Grand Marquis, before it got totaled... I was devastated." – Nick Mullen (77:08)
• "[Schindler’s List]... it’s a bit of a romp!" – Nick Mullen, deadpan about the Holocaust film (83:11)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Running into Seinfeld in Minneapolis: 01:04 – 04:40
• Nick's first exposure to Barstool, early Barstool culture: 05:49 – 07:19
• Aaron Berg crowdwork stories: 12:41 – 14:38
• Counterfeiting anecdotes, childhood fears: 15:47 – 19:15
• Japan's sex crisis talk: 20:56 – 23:35
• Water and bottled water preferences: 28:14 – 31:09
• Old nerdy jobs/call center, competitive eating: 32:17 – 35:39
• Pipe smoking, tinkering, and home DIY: 39:24 – 73:20 (recurring)
• Fake ID paranoia: 58:12 – 59:20
• "Black guy on the Titanic" bit: 89:00 – 92:52
• Review and riff on Schindler’s List: 83:04 – 87:59
• Crown Vic/Grand Marquis nostalgia: 75:59 – 78:16

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Overall Tone & Style

• Language & Tone: Irreverent, dryly sarcastic, self-deprecating. Nothing is sacred; everything is up for a bit.
• Pacing: Fast, tangential, filled with callbacks and recurring inside jokes.
• Chemistry: The hosts and Nick Mullen spark off each other for nearly ninety minutes without flagging, barely missing a comedic beat.
• Content: Bursts from cultural critique to utter absurdity, never taking itself too seriously but always insightful in its own unique way.

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For New Listeners

If you’ve never heard Son of a Boy Dad or Nick Mullen before, this episode showcases their highly specific style: whip-quick ADHD jumps between personal humiliation, brutal honesty, ridiculous hypotheticals, and inventive, off-the-wall comedy. It’s a blend of internet history, stand-up shop talk, lowbrow social psychology, and gleefully irreverent banter.

You’ll enjoy this if:

• You appreciate anti-earnest, self-aware podcasts
• You’re interested in the comedy world, internet culture, or the weirdness of adulthood
• You like deeply unserious, offensive humor delivered with craft and intelligence

You might cringe if:

• You can’t stand profanity, dark humor, or inside-baseball comedy talk
• You expect consistent structure or linear storytelling

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-- End of Part One with Nick Mullen. For more, listen to Son of a Boy Dad wherever you get podcasts.

Transcript

[Dave Portnoy]

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[Harry]

Yeah, we can start.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

Great day.

[Nick Mullen]

Did you run in Seinfeld? You ran into Seinfeld?

[Francis]

That's exactly what I was going to tell them on the pod.

[Dave Portnoy]

Really?

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Harry]

What the hell?

[Dave Portnoy]

Jerry?

[Francis]

No.

[Harry]

Minneapolis.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah.

[Harry]

What the fuck?

[Francis]

Yeah. Yeah. Ran into Jerry Seinfeld at breakfast in Minneapolis.

[Nick Mullen]

He was playing ice protesters,

[Dave Portnoy]

Running them off the road with a vehicle.

[Francis]

He was. He was doing one of the theaters, and I saw him and I wanted to say hi because he was a major figure in my, like, desire to become a comic.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

I feel like if I was in that situation, I would act like Kramer, like, until he got really mad, like, just. Just follow him around the hotel. Just doing Kramer Jerry badly, too. Not even good at it.

[Dave Portnoy]

Jerry from your show, you know, you understand, remember, from whatever happened to that guy?

[Nick Mullen]

He's still doing all right. Oh, Joe, I forgot about that.

[Dave Portnoy]

Did you ask him if he knew who you were?

[Francis]

No, of course not.

[Dave Portnoy]

I mean, you hit Rory McElroy with that.

[Francis]

That seems possible. And ironically, I have briefly, I think, said hello to Seinfeld before, but only in passing in a hallway at Gotham. But the. He was. He's with Ryan Hamilton.

[Nick Mullen]

Oh, okay.

[Francis]

So I was. I made the decision to go say

[Nick Mullen]

Hamilton open for him.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

What an interesting way to go about your career.

[Francis]

Yeah, He's.

[Nick Mullen]

He's funny.

[Francis]

He's great.

[Nick Mullen]

He's a good comic.

[Francis]

Yeah. And he's got a Netflix special coming out.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, I know, but it's like, he doesn't. It's like it. You like to be like, well, I look like. You know what I mean? Somehow I, like, work with this guy that looks like me. It just seems unnecessary.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

What was the interaction? Did you. Did he, like, give you anything?

[Francis]

Well, so I didn't know. I saw him from way across the restaurant, the breakfast restaurant at the hotel. And I only saw him. I knew he was with two other guys. Then I went back to my table, and I was like, I'm not. I know he's very standoffish. That's my impression of Seinfeld. So I was like, I'm not going to say hi to him. And I texted my manager that he was there, and he was like, go say hi. He's a nice guy. Yeah. And I got the courage to do so. And then as I turned the corner, I noticed Ryan and I. And I was like, ryan. Ryan Hamilton, I'm saying hi to you, Right?

[Nick Mullen]

Perfect.

[Francis]

And Ryan was like, oh, my God, Francis. Jerry, this is Francis. He's a good comic. And then I could see signed Seinfeld. Relax. He's like, oh, he's not gonna ask me for a picture. In no way is he Trojan horsing his way through my opener into saying hello to me.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah, that's exactly.

[Harry]

That's what you were.

[Nick Mullen]

I feel like this is. This is too much deference towards Seinfeld.

[Francis]

He was.

[Dave Portnoy]

We used to listen to him.

[Nick Mullen]

Great show. Went off the air 25 years ago. What has he done since then?

[Dave Portnoy]

Great movie.

[Nick Mullen]

Went to Israel and fired an assault rifle outside. Is he doing good stuff now? I don't think so. I would have gone. You should have ruined his morning.

[Dave Portnoy]

Negd him. You should have.

[Nick Mullen]

You should have apologized to Ryan the entire time. I'm like, I'm sorry. I gotta really. I gotta ruin this practice.

[Harry]

All right, shall we? Is that in?

[Francis]

That's in.

[Harry]

Is that in?

[Francis]

Of course that's in.

[Harry]

I didn't know.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Harry]

All right, well, welcome to the Son of a Boydad podcast. Today it's 23rd, March 23rd, and we are joined by Nick Mullen.

[Nick Mullen]

Hello, everyone. Everybody.

[Harry]

Thank you for being here.

[Nick Mullen]

Thanks for having me. I've never been to the. The barstool offices. I didn't put it together that it would be here. I'm just. I thought it would be somebody's living room because, I mean, this looks like a.

[Dave Portnoy]

You know, it's a good fake set. Didn't they try to hire you? Didn't, like, Dave try to hire you, like, 15 years ago or something like that to do Radio or something?

[Nick Mullen]

Or is that website design?

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

You were going to run HR for this?

[Nick Mullen]

They were like, we think you should design the website. I'm like, I don't really know how to do that, but I'll try.

[Dave Portnoy]

I need you to.

[Nick Mullen]

And I blew it.

[Dave Portnoy]

You can learn.

[Nick Mullen]

I blew it. But they pa me $10 million. So, you know, I guess I owe. I owe Dave that for the 10 million that he gave me to pretend to know how to make a website.

[Dave Portnoy]

10, like, 10 years of barstool blogs were, like, lost. There really is, like, somebody that blew website design for them. That was you.

[Francis]

Is it really?

[Dave Portnoy]

They.

[Harry]

They just lost 10 years of it?

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah. They, like, tried to hire somebody and, like, it's probably, like, good because it was probably the most, like, based, profane stuff that they ever said.

[Harry]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

But, yeah, they dodged a bullet.

[Nick Mullen]

That's crazy. My first interaction with Barstool Sports ever was my cousin showing me a video on his phone of a woman at a bar pulling her pussy out. Like, she's dancing and she just pulls her pussy out. And people are like, yeah. And that was on. I was like, a. Why are you showing. Like, is it. Am I laughing at this or are we backing off to this? You know, like, what is. And then I was like, what's this website? And he's like, oh, it's just stuff like this. So that's what I thought it was.

[Harry]

That's what I thought it was.

[Francis]

You say pulling. She pulled her out.

[Nick Mullen]

She's like, ed. I can't remember the exact. They're at a bar. It's like, Marty GR or something. And then she's like, there's like a

[Dave Portnoy]

magician when they have, like, multicolored ribbon inside their mouth. She was just like.

[Nick Mullen]

She was doing, like, Coyote Ugly. But then, like.

[Francis]

Yeah, she revealed it.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, right.

[Francis]

But she. Didn't she, like, just unpack it.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah. Oh, no, no.

[Francis]

Oh, okay. I thought maybe it was.

[Nick Mullen]

No, it wasn't. Like, she pulled the zipper down and then, like, squeezed.

[Dave Portnoy]

Popped out.

[Harry]

Like.

[Nick Mullen]

Like, you're almost out of toothpaste.

[Dave Portnoy]

Like, a surprise just popped out.

[Francis]

Pez dispenser.

[Dave Portnoy]

Early on in barstool, there was a. A video that someone sent in only to Barstool, of a guy, a fish, at the Jersey Shore. Like, and there was like, a rush. They were like, we gotta get our watermark on this. Yeah. We need to own this for Barstool. If this gets viral, we need to know where it came from.

[Harry]

Stool and stripes on it.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah. So that's what I was like, oh, it's just stuff like that.

[Dave Portnoy]

It was.

[Harry]

That's kind of what it was until what, like four or five years ago?

[Dave Portnoy]

No, not four or five.

[Harry]

Well, no, obviously the entire company wasn't that. But that's how.

[Nick Mullen]

What's with the Instagram, the multi billion dollar company?

[Harry]

I remember when I got. When they reached out to me to hire me, I was like the. The account that posts dudes doing like backflips off of roofs. Hey, that's what I thought it was. I didn't know there was a whole network attached to the. The brand.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah, it was like Chive, I think adjacent early on.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, I forgot about Chive.

[Dave Portnoy]

Chive was great.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

Chive had a TV channel at bars for a while.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

It was just like there just be a loop of people like running mini motorcycles off of bridges and shit.

[Harry]

I've never understood that at like a bar.

[Nick Mullen]

And then their whole. Was that was that heavy in their branding. The like the keep. Keep calm and Chive on. Which didn't make any sense because they were the first to like resurrect that because that was initially. That was British thing. It was a British thing from like World War II and they were getting bomb bombed.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

And then they were like, well, what this could be about like funny Internet videos.

[Dave Portnoy]

And that's probably why we started doing Viva la Stool. That's like our battle cry.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Which is from the Spanish revolution.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Francis]

When they were like Viva la revolution.

[Nick Mullen]

But that's been appropriated plenty. There's plenty of Viva la. I mean, there's Viva la Bam. You know, I mean, it's like that's so that's been used. But the keep calm and Chive on, it's like. That's a weird pull.

[Francis]

I've seen that repurposed in many different spots.

[Nick Mullen]

Oh, have you? I thought it was that at first and then I saw. Then it was everywhere. Then it was like, you know, like, did the chi millennial, like work from coffee shop women all had the tote bags that were like, keep calm and calm. Yeah, that kind of stuff.

[Francis]

Yeah. Right.

[Dave Portnoy]

When you saw reused, was it before the chive or like recently?

[Francis]

It's just, you know, I don't know the timeline of Chive to. You need to learn production.

[Dave Portnoy]

Sit your ass down and learn some history.

[Francis]

And you know, viva pat your cat, whatever it is. Yeah, I've seen.

[Harry]

That's a good one.

[Francis]

I've seen so many. Yeah, yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

I'm gonna say they brought it back. I'm just gonna. I don't care whether it's true or not.

[Francis]

I like your version. Yeah, I'm fine. I can live with that. I don't have a problem with that.

[Dave Portnoy]

I feel like when you two. When you guys were reconnecting, it was over the beans. It was over coffee beans.

[Nick Mullen]

Reconnecting. Did we have a falling out?

[Dave Portnoy]

The way Francis says it is, you guys were thick as thieves.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, I didn't realize that was a reconnecting. I thought I just saw you again, and you were telling me about your coffee.

[Francis]

Well, I. I. What was funny was that I didn't know that I had your phone number, and I asked Gary.

[Nick Mullen]

I wanted to get you to play, like, Terminator.

[Francis]

Dude.

[Nick Mullen]

This is the transgender Terminator.

[Francis]

This is the funniest.

[Nick Mullen]

Some horrible sketch idea. It's a Terminator, but he's got a. And he cuts everyone's dick off or something. I don't know.

[Harry]

I remember when Francis brought this to me, and he was like, you think I should do this?

[Francis]

Yeah. Hey, dude, it's Nick Mullen. Shane gave me your number. I got a sketch playing the Terminator, and I say, say no more, friend. I am in. And then you go, it's brand unsafe, parentheses, trans Terminator shooting up the building. And then you go, oh, okay, awesome. Responding. And then I go, oh, I can't.

[Nick Mullen]

I can't remember what the idea was. I know it wouldn't have. Yeah. There had to have been another element there where I'm like, oh, we got. I got to spend the money to do this, because it couldn't. It couldn't. I want to give myself a little bit more credit. I think there had to have been something else there. Maybe there wasn't.

[Dave Portnoy]

Why Francis, though? Just because he had, like, packs or a.

[Nick Mullen]

Well, I was like, what comedian could pass for the Terminator? And there's. It's like, you know, I mean, you're kind of the only option, really. There's guys that are jacked, but they're 5:1.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

And then there's. That's it. It's like, either you or, like, what? Dante Nero.

[Francis]

Who's the.

[Nick Mullen]

It wouldn't make any sense with anybody else.

[Francis]

The Rocky. Dale Davis.

[Harry]

Rocky Dale Davis. Pretty strong.

[Francis]

He's very strong.

[Harry]

Chris DiStefano. But he can't be the Terminator.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, probably not. I don't know. I got. You know, maybe I didn't put much thought in.

[Dave Portnoy]

Let's not.

[Francis]

Let's just say that going forward, if there. If there are any. There is no one else.

[Harry]

It's.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

You're the jack. This comic.

[Francis]

I'm just the guy for those roles. And there. We shouldn't consider other people.

[Dave Portnoy]

That's nice. Yeah. To get a monopoly on it.

[Francis]

Just want. I don't know why we tried to, you know, lose me work.

[Dave Portnoy]

No, we're not going to do that.

[Harry]

Are you like the most jacked comic?

[Francis]

No. In Absolutely not.

[Dave Portnoy]

Jordan Jensen's pretty jacked.

[Nick Mullen]

She's jacked.

[Dave Portnoy]

She's super jacked.

[Nick Mullen]

I was imagining. You guys know who Nathan Jones is?

[Harry]

I don't think so.

[Nick Mullen]

He's the Australian. Like he's like. Anytime they need a big guy for a movie, he's in. He's in Troy. He's in that movie. He's like the big guy that fights Jet Li some. It's. One of the producers helped me out. Nathan Jones.

[Francis]

Is he the ball.

[Nick Mullen]

He's the bald guy.

[Francis]

He's the bald Boagrius, maybe.

[Nick Mullen]

Who in the first sounds like a role he would play. I don't know what Bo Agrious is, but.

[Francis]

Oh, here we go.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, this guy.

[Francis]

It is Bo Agrius.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Francis]

But he runs at him and he just gets him.

[Dave Portnoy]

Oh, and that's when he stabs him in the neck.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, he jumps him. Yeah, right, right.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah.

[Harry]

He's big as hell.

[Nick Mullen]

Anyways, I was imagining him yesterday and he's. He's carrying Aaron Berg around strapped into the front of him and they're connected together and he doesn't speak but Aaron does.

[Harry]

Aaron Berg's jazz.

[Nick Mullen]

He's in like a Baby Bjorn in the front of.

[Harry]

I could picture it completely.

[Dave Portnoy]

I've been mercilessly crowd worked by Aaronberg multiple times.

[Nick Mullen]

You're going to Aaron Berg shows? I'm going to.

[Dave Portnoy]

I went to like,

[Nick Mullen]

what am I going to do? It's Thursday night.

[Dave Portnoy]

All of a sudden I got to hit burger again. I'm going to get my lick back with Berg.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

It's just at the Cellar. He'll just.

[Nick Mullen]

Nice hat. Where'd you get that? A black guy's penis.

[Dave Portnoy]

Exactly that.

[Nick Mullen]

Where's your. Where's your coffee from Puerto R? Gay sex.

[Dave Portnoy]

It's exactly that. He just destroys me.

[Francis]

I once did a private Christmas party with Aaron Berg and he opened which was. It was just him and then me. And he's aggressively Jewish, right?

[Harry]

He is very Jewish.

[Nick Mullen]

Oppressively.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

Oppressive.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah. Yeah. Oh,

[Francis]

but he, he. When you. When you follow him in a setting like that, it's as bad as it could be.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Because he's built for that.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Random crowd of people that Aren't particularly interested.

[Nick Mullen]

It is shocking. It's like magic watching him destroy.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

Because if you repeated any of it, people would be like, and then he went to jail.

[Dave Portnoy]

The written transcript.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

But it destroys. It's. It's insane to me.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

And it's like, nice looking. It's nice, like, clean looking people in the audience. And then it's like, whoa. Have you ever been raped? A Chinese man? And people are like, no, I haven't, but. Okay.

[Harry]

What did he say to you?

[Dave Portnoy]

He was. He, like. He, like, called me autistic for, like, a long time. And then he was just making fun of how big my shirt was and how short my shorts were. It was hard, like, for maybe 10 minutes.

[Harry]

You have to stand up and you

[Nick Mullen]

were dressed like this.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah, I had the long.

[Nick Mullen]

Didn't even have. You didn't even have shorts on.

[Dave Portnoy]

Tiny ass pants. Just flaming me. It was so shameful. It was like a part of, like, the room where the light was only hitting me. It was like the Blues Brothers when, like, do you see the light? Which is so shameful and embarrassing. But I guess that's what I signed up for. Yeah. In the crowd of a comedy show.

[Nick Mullen]

Where was that?

[Harry]

Lion's den.

[Nick Mullen]

I was.

[Dave Portnoy]

I think it was probably at this. Yeah, it was. Got to be at the stand. And I think he was closing. I think he was at the end because. Yeah, I don't think they wanted to put anybody after him.

[Nick Mullen]

Well, he. He hosts a lot. I mean, he. I don't know if he's still doing that, but. But when I was going to the

[Francis]

stand regularly, he was doing Frantic on Mondays. Yeah, that was the show he was. Because it was his show. His and Karen's show.

[Nick Mullen]

Okay. Well, it used to be. It was Michael Costa's show, I think.

[Francis]

Really?

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, a long time ago.

[Francis]

Really?

[Nick Mullen]

I didn't know. I might be wrong in that, but I think that that's what it was. That's where it started with him. Yeah.

[Francis]

I love Michael Costa.

[Dave Portnoy]

I got it. I got an award this weekend at a firefighters banquet.

[Harry]

Oh, yes.

[Dave Portnoy]

It was. It was sick. But I mean, it was.

[Harry]

What were you awarded for?

[Dave Portnoy]

I think just raising money. Raising money for the red stripe for the boys. But there was one of the guys that got an award as he went up. He was like this five foot one, very old firefighter. And the guy next to me is like this guy. Like, he. Every summer he walks around with the biggest stack of fake $100 bills and just goes to Chinese markets and buys watermelons. Buys, like, buys them out of watermelons for the entire firehouse. Like, that's. This guy's calling card, is going around the city just buying watermelons and bringing them back to the firehouse.

[Francis]

So he's actually counterfeiting.

[Dave Portnoy]

He's counter. He's actively counterfeiting. And he only hits Chinese markets because he's like, they can't tell the difference. They don't know.

[Francis]

You'd think a fruit vendor wouldn't be on the. On the. On his guard.

[Harry]

Yeah,

[Dave Portnoy]

well honed. He said he's. He's hit thousands of them. I mean, they're probably thousands of shocks

[Harry]

to see someone paying for a watermelon with a hundred dollar bill.

[Dave Portnoy]

Or how excited are they to be, like, bought out of all of their watermelons? They're like, this guy's. He's like, in the 70s, he owned money to the Gotti's, but since he was married into the mob, they picked him up and, like, took him to the Canarsie Pier, broke his legs and called the firehouse. And we're like, pick up your guy.

[Nick Mullen]

Damn.

[Dave Portnoy]

Lying there. And so I was like, I need to meet this guy. And I had the guy who was running everything introduce me to this guy. And they're like, he has so many stories. Just tell him the story of how you met your son. And the guy was like, you met your son? He's walking down, like, the main strip of Canarsie, and this kid came up to him. He was like, I think you're my dad. And he's like, let me get a good look at you. He's like, you do kind of look like me. And the kid's like, can I get a hug? He's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. I just met you. And it was. It was his.

[Francis]

Let's start with a watermelon.

[Harry]

They do.

[Nick Mullen]

Did they do testing to find out

[Dave Portnoy]

why Is it son.

[Nick Mullen]

Oh, okay.

[Dave Portnoy]

It was his son.

[Nick Mullen]

Interesting.

[Dave Portnoy]

It was just this preposterous. And then the guy, like, walked away towards, like, the 5050 raffle and pulled out the crispest fold of hundred dollar bills. I don't know if he was actually, like, that's a.

[Nick Mullen]

That's a serious crime. Like, the Secret Service investigates.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yes, exactly. Federal crime to print your own money, too. There's got to be no statute of limitations for this.

[Nick Mullen]

It's weird. It doesn't happen more that, like, because back in the day, it's like to have, you know, nobody had a printer. But I'm surprised that that's. You don't hear like constantly about children being arrested for counterfeiting. Yeah.

[Harry]

I remember printing money when I was a kid. Exactly.

[Nick Mullen]

Like every kid you're in a printer. It's like, well, I'll print money.

[Harry]

My parents freaked the out at me. I was like, I put up. I put a $1 bill in like the copier and it prints out, just one sided. And I like cut it out and showed it to my parents and they were like, you can never do that.

[Nick Mullen]

Interesting.

[Harry]

Like, I don't. It's one so that parents really hate counterf.

[Dave Portnoy]

Your parents were the Secret Service. Your parents are Pinkertons.

[Nick Mullen]

You should be. I mean, the government's allowed to print money. Why the fuck can't I print money?

[Harry]

Yeah, exactly.

[Dave Portnoy]

It's absolute bullshit.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, right.

[Harry]

Shouldn't have given us the right to have a printer at home. They don't want us to print money.

[Nick Mullen]

It's crazy. You see this morning, Trump did it again. He keeps tricking the markets.

[Harry]

Oh, yeah. Saying the war ended well.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah. This morning he did it again. He's like, good news, we talked. We got a peace deal. Iran's like, no, we didn't. Like, oil dropped like 10% immediately.

[Dave Portnoy]

If he could lie, that's fine.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, Bon go down. It's just.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

I don't know how much longer people are going to continue. Probably indefinitely.

[Harry]

Yeah. But it's like they just keep on. He keeps on lying and then, then just. People just see videos of like, just missiles raining down the missiles.

[Nick Mullen]

And then they're also. They're like starting to like having to like ration gas in Australia. It's like, yeah, eventually it's going to be. We're going to get to a point where it's like, you can't afford food here, you're starving to death. But your 401k is great. They're just going to continue manipulating.

[Dave Portnoy]

Just keep the money in the market.

[Nick Mullen]

You're like, at least I got $2 million in Nvidia. I can't go see the doctor and I haven't eaten.

[Dave Portnoy]

He badly bodied that Japanese reporter. I was talking about Pearl Harbor.

[Harry]

Oh, that was insane.

[Dave Portnoy]

That was so nasty.

[Nick Mullen]

I didn't realize they had a lady Prime Minister of Japan now.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah. And she's still riding with us even though they got bodied. I think she's still.

[Harry]

She didn't seem to with that comment at all.

[Francis]

No. And well, it's like it was.

[Nick Mullen]

That's but weird of Japanese people to be. They were like offended by it. And it's like. But you did Pearl Harbor.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

If he had said like, well we didn't tell you before we did Hiroshima, then you can be offended at that.

[Dave Portnoy]

Right.

[Nick Mullen]

But you can't be offended about something you did.

[Harry]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

The thousands of brave souls, that's probably

[Harry]

the last thing that they're ever expecting is like a Pearl harbor reference from the President.

[Dave Portnoy]

They said that there's a vicious.

[Harry]

Surely he's not going to bring up Pearl Harbor.

[Dave Portnoy]

It's all water under the bridge at this point. They said there was an article that

[Francis]

came out, ships under the water right

[Dave Portnoy]

now that, that there's like a huge po. Huge male porn star shortage in Japan.

[Harry]

Oh, I saw that too.

[Dave Portnoy]

That there's 20,000 women. How though they blur the one man,

[Harry]

they blur the penis. Couldn't they just use the same guy for every single video?

[Dave Portnoy]

I don't know. Maybe they could, but I don't know if the guys are bad, I think

[Nick Mullen]

because like something happened over there where they shifted. Like it's like 30 to 40% of the male population in Japan has never fucked.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

It's like adults. That's a, that's not like including children. And there's something crazy like that. And I think it's. You can be like, oh, well, it's because Japanese guys are fucking losers and they don't have game or whatever. But that's not the case. I think they're. Yeah, they're like no technology.

[Dave Portnoy]

I think.

[Nick Mullen]

Well, they're where. They're in love with cartoons.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

Like they, the cartoons got good enough that they just. They want to. They want to marry a pillow or

[Francis]

like a doll or something.

[Dave Portnoy]

A vacuum.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

That's coming for us though. I really believe that they're. We're like 20 years behind from this and that there will be this.

[Harry]

I think we're getting there already.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah, it's coming.

[Harry]

The boys aren't fucking anymore. Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

The boys aren't drinking and the boys aren't fucking.

[Nick Mullen]

Boy.

[Harry]

The younger kids, even younger than me. They're not fucking at all.

[Francis]

Is that right?

[Harry]

At all.

[Nick Mullen]

What's younger than you? 12.

[Dave Portnoy]

12 year olds get no pussy anymore.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Harry]

I'm always seeing videos of like 16 year old boys being like, I'm never having sex.

[Nick Mullen]

Oh, okay. I was like, I'm how that sentence was gonna end.

[Dave Portnoy]

It's the one kid who's always like, what'?

[Harry]

Yeah, exactly.

[Dave Portnoy]

Steak dinner and a God fearing woman.

[Harry]

That's the only reference that I have.

[Dave Portnoy]

But that guy is tens of thousands of followers.

[Harry]

He's leading the Path.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah. We're slowly. Everyone's going to be Muslim and like.

[Harry]

Oh, yeah, that's the. That's the route. Everyone's going heavy on religion. Religion's back in a big way.

[Nick Mullen]

But it's going to be Islam.

[Dave Portnoy]

It's not going to be any religion. Yeah, it's not.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah. Because there's more mystery there. It's not. It's. It's different. You could lie about what it is.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

You know, it's also interesting. Most people had some exposure to Christianity or Catholicism growing up, you know, so it's. There's not too much meat on the bone there, you know, to, like, rediscover that. But Islam, you can. You can say, yeah, you get. You get a genie. Yeah.

[Harry]

It's also cool.

[Nick Mullen]

You would probably. I would believe that. Right.

[Dave Portnoy]

Sounds good.

[Nick Mullen]

If a guy with a big beard and a turban on him is like, no, genies are real and you can have one.

[Harry]

Yeah. I'd be like, okay, and you get the virgins.

[Nick Mullen]

But we don't want that. We've already decided.

[Harry]

We don't want to see if you

[Francis]

can renegotiate God up there. Going to be 72 highly experienced loose women waiting for you.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Harry]

You should be able to trade in your virgins for something else, like, especially if you're not.

[Dave Portnoy]

Plush toys.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

GameCube.

[Harry]

Game.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, I'm with the whole GameCube.

[Harry]

I'll give you 10 virgins for. Yeah.

[Francis]

Pairs of Japanese salvage denim.

[Nick Mullen]

Is that. Are you into that?

[Francis]

I'm into Japanese clothing.

[Nick Mullen]

Japanese denim, yeah. Interesting.

[Dave Portnoy]

What kind of fabric are we working with here?

[Francis]

This is from a New York company, actually. Actually engineered garments.

[Nick Mullen]

I. When I go into Muji and I look at the clothes in there, just the material and the weight to them, and I'm like, I'm not even fat, but I'm like, I'm too fat for these clothes. Like, I don't know. You have to have, like, 8% body fat. Yeah.

[Harry]

Right.

[Nick Mullen]

It's nippily. Yeah. Right.

[Dave Portnoy]

Like Muji. Just like the. The cut of Muji is awesome.

[Nick Mullen]

I mean, look at. Can you imagine me where I'd look like Donald Duck?

[Dave Portnoy]

I want to wear it so bad, though, because it's, like, affordable. Is it their Old Navy? What's the analogous brand?

[Nick Mullen]

It's. Apparently Muji is like their Kmart. It's like dog shit over there. And they bring it here, and people are like.

[Dave Portnoy]

People go crazy for it.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah. But what's big over there in Tokyo is they. Their 711 is, I think, they have 7 11s but they also have a place called Lawson's which is like a convenience store.

[Dave Portnoy]

That's Larson's.

[Nick Mullen]

It's Lawson's. Yeah. Raw. It would be Ross Lawson's. And if I remember correctly, Lawson's was just like a chain of convenience stores in fucking Ohio that got like restructured or whatever. It's gone here now, but they're like huge in Japan.

[Harry]

Really?

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah. And it was just like. It was like Circle K or Wawa or something.

[Harry]

Interesting. Can we pull up our Lawsons?

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, Lawson.

[Harry]

I think that's going to get my eyes on this.

[Dave Portnoy]

There was the rumor that all of the 7Elevens in the US were being bought out by the Japanese 7Eleven company. That our 7Eleven quality was about to skyrocket.

[Harry]

It doesn't seem like it has. If anything it feels like it's gone down quite a bit.

[Dave Portnoy]

Significantly worse.

[Harry]

You ever go to 711 and they just don't have shit. They just got nothing. Sold out. We were like, I need a water. All they've got is like that weird Midwest water.

[Dave Portnoy]

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[Francis]

know cashmere comes from some other place, I'm not. I'm not gonna mess.

[Dave Portnoy]

Well. Mongolia is the bedrock of good cashmere.

[Francis]

It is.

[Dave Portnoy]

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[Francis]

With the mountains on the bottle that

[Harry]

are sort of like thick for some reason.

[Francis]

It's nothing like body armor water.

[Harry]

No, not at all.

[Francis]

Which is delicious.

[Nick Mullen]

Is that a sponsor?

[Dave Portnoy]

It's the best water.

[Harry]

That water though. It's like thick. It's like slimy.

[Francis]

I like.

[Nick Mullen]

I like. I mean, I guess I shouldn't say it, but I like Essentia. Essentia is pretty good.

[Harry]

We're gonna have to. We're gonna have to cut that for sure.

[Nick Mullen]

All right. It's like the biggest podcast faux pas. Somebody mentions the sponsor and you're like, yeah, but I mean, Nike's whatever. Reebok.

[Dave Portnoy]

Is it? Arrowhead. Arrowhead. Yeah. Absolute garbage.

[Harry]

They're all the same. It's single one that's listed in that pin.

[Nick Mullen]

Sounds like a slur too.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

Arrowhead.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Harry]

Evian dog.

[Dave Portnoy]

No, Arrowhead.

[Harry]

Feed that to a dog.

[Dave Portnoy]

Arrowhead is like filtered through a coal miner's. It's foul.

[Harry]

Yeah. I'm just.

[Nick Mullen]

Evian's disgusting. I've always hated it. It's way too viscous.

[Francis]

It's like there's salty. I Would call it.

[Nick Mullen]

There's like baby oil in it.

[Harry]

Yes, exactly.

[Francis]

Evian to me. Tastes salty. I don't know. Like, it.

[Harry]

It's nasty.

[Dave Portnoy]

What's the one that's bottled by Coca Cola Dasani?

[Francis]

Well, that's not spring water.

[Nick Mullen]

Just tap water, right?

[Francis]

No, it's. It's. It's filtered water. Yeah, it's. Yeah, it. Right. I think it's just. It doesn't come from a spring.

[Nick Mullen]

I mean, I hear you can just drink the tap water.

[Francis]

Correct.

[Nick Mullen]

I've been off bottled water for a decade plus at this point.

[Harry]

Really?

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, I got. I got. I have a big 46oz Yeti that I fill up three times a day.

[Francis]

Day.

[Harry]

Three times a day.

[Nick Mullen]

I have to piss so bad.

[Harry]

That's insane.

[Francis]

You can go.

[Nick Mullen]

No, it's all right. Well, yeah, maybe I'll finish my water first. I don't. Can we talk about water at all? They're like, listen, you were talking about tap water.

[Dave Portnoy]

The most abundant summer.

[Harry]

We want any promotion.

[Nick Mullen]

We can't let people know that this is free.

[Dave Portnoy]

This is naturally occurring.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

Falls from the sky manifest from the ground. That's insane. 140 plus. Why do you drink that much water? Is that just what you recommended?

[Nick Mullen]

No, it makes me feel good.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah?

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah. It's like. It helps. Like I'll drink a bunch of. If I'm anxious, I'll drink a bunch of water.

[Dave Portnoy]

That's nice.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

And then I feel like it's probably better to overshoot a little bit than under. Shoot.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Do you ever worry about drowning your organs is.

[Nick Mullen]

What is that called? Like, there's a name for. For it. Yeah.

[Harry]

You got to get a lot water, though.

[Nick Mullen]

No. Yeah, I think it's. It's one of those things where you're more likely to. To die to be dehydrated than over hydrate.

[Dave Portnoy]

There was like the. There was a people who did a contest at the mall. Like one of those contests where you put your hand on a car or something like that.

[Harry]

Oh, yeah. Like a Mr. Beast.

[Dave Portnoy]

Mr. Beast did their way. And it was like, drink a certain amount of water and somebody in the contest died. Like they just over. Over watered themselves. But I don't know what that threshold is.

[Harry]

That's got to be like a pretty uncomfortable way to go out.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, it's like hyper H. Hydrate. Hyperhidrosis or something, I think is the. The name of it.

[Dave Portnoy]

Sounds right.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

Putting those words together.

[Nick Mullen]

Hyper.

[Harry]

Don't you. Like you would just throw up before you drowned.

[Nick Mullen]

Excessive uncontrolled no, that's when you sweat too much.

[Dave Portnoy]

Hyper.

[Nick Mullen]

I don't know. I worked in a call center and they had. They did like, they had contracts with every different, like, dial up Internet company in, like, every part of rural America.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

And so the job was miserable. When I got hired there, they already had like, insane turnover. This is a big building. There was like 600 people on the phones at any given time.

[Harry]

Jesus.

[Nick Mullen]

And they had on the board, you could see, like, calls left in the queue. And it was like 1200, you know, it was like always insane. And they had taken on like two or three more contracts. So it was like, it was like crunch time at the fucking call center. And so to retain employees because it was a shitty job, they were like, they're like, we're ordering pizza every day. They would always have pizzas. They would try to like. But these are call center guys. Like, they're all like. There should be a different name for like, nerds that are dumb.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

You know what I mean? They're not, like, good at anything technically. They just have no social skills. Like, they're, you know, like into nerd stuff.

[Francis]

Stoppers.

[Harry]

Yeah, right.

[Nick Mullen]

There was a guy that, like, had had a shirt that he would walk around. I forget what it was exactly, but it was something like. It was like, look out, bomb squad coming through. And then like, bomb squad was crossed off. And it was like Ted said, tech support. It's like some variation of that. There was a guy that had like a cane that he would walk around with. There was a girl that would bring doll. And so a lot of these people were out of shape right there. You had to bring a doll in and put it up on her on the desk and brush its hair while she was on the phone.

[Harry]

Oh, that's insane.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, there was a lot of freaks.

[Francis]

That's her water drinking.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

And. And then. But they had a contest one time, this was in Austin, and there's a place called Free Birds Burritos down in Austin. And they had a burrito that was like the challenge burrito. It was like a. I mean, it was like the size of like, you know, like a. Like a football base. Yeah, it was a giant burrito. And yeah, they had a contest where it's like, whoever could finish the burrito the fastest was like one, like a TCL, like a 55 inch flat screen TV. And then the two guys actually finished it. The guy that came in first, he won the tv. And the second guy. And then one of them, I think, like, they had to like send him home. He was like sick. He was like really fucked up. Hurting himself. They're like killing their employees to try and like motivate them to take these. Fucking terrible.

[Harry]

Having to go home early.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, yeah. Because of a giant burrito. Yeah, yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

This man versus fooding yourself.

[Francis]

Wait a minute. Is that the end of the story? Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

Oh, yeah. No, because you said a guy that drank too much water. Oh, I just. I thought. I thought of that guy that. That hurt himself.

[Francis]

I was hooked. I was hooked on that.

[Nick Mullen]

And where was he was going?

[Francis]

I. Well, no, I'm glad now that you brought it back. I hadn't.

[Nick Mullen]

And then. And then Russia invaded Ukraine.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

Something cooler. You.

[Harry]

That's gonna get sent home.

[Francis]

How long ago did that happen?

[Dave Portnoy]

Was this last year?

[Nick Mullen]

No, it's 2008. 2009.

[Francis]

Man, I gotta tell you, your. Your recall of detail is remarkable. You remembered the brand of the television that was.

[Nick Mullen]

Oh, no, I'm saying it was like that. It was like a shitty flat screen tv. Yeah. I don't remember what the actual brand of the television.

[Francis]

I just assumed you were telling me.

[Nick Mullen]

And in fact, I don't even know. Would TCL have even been around back back then? TCL's Chinese in 2008. Yeah, I don't think they were even around back then. It was just a shitty tv and they had. I went in there. It was in one. I remember that like there was like a room this side and they had size and they had like a conference table set up and it was all the fattest guys at the company around the table. They all had their burritos and they were like, go.

[Harry]

Imagine that now for a TV. Because TVs now are like, you just. You just get a TV instead of

[Dave Portnoy]

doing that in 2008. They were valuable.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

Flash, that's even valuable.

[Nick Mullen]

That's even bigger than I remember. Remember this quadruple super monster? I mean, that's insane. I remember it being like. Like this. Like it was just massive.

[Dave Portnoy]

It was fat, long like that.

[Harry]

It's such a crazy thing to like pitch to the company. Like it's going to help boost morale. We're going to get 50. We're going to get 15 tons of burrito. Yeah.

[Francis]

My sophomore year, I competed in a burrito eating contest.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Francis]

It was teams of four at, through, run through, Q2. Do you know that?

[Harry]

Yeah, yeah.

[Francis]

And a very famous place. Yeah. They got. Well, I never know what chains are regional and based on, you know.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah, yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

Let me ask you this. Let's Say you signed up for the Nathan's contest and what you do is you eat the bread, but you put the. You shove the hot dog into your ass. And like they're like looking at the rule book.

[Dave Portnoy]

There's nothing in the bylaws that says

[Nick Mullen]

they're like, I don't know. Yeah, right.

[Dave Portnoy]

Do you think maybe that's how Badlands booker used to do it? I put it in his folds.

[Harry]

I feel like I'd rather go bun in the ass because how would you.

[Nick Mullen]

Come on. That would be such a God.

[Harry]

You just have to crumble it in.

[Dave Portnoy]

That's why you soak it in water.

[Nick Mullen]

Figure out.

[Harry]

Yeah, if you soaked it in water, I think your ass would just inhale.

[Dave Portnoy]

Suck it.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, that's the guy. Seeing the guy do the hot dog and he's like, oh, we're just trying to copy it. Doing it wrong.

[Dave Portnoy]

They're all doing.

[Nick Mullen]

It's like.

[Francis]

He's like. It just goes and eats it anyways.

[Nick Mullen]

Just all over the bun. Jeremy got. Got two hot dogs. Two hot dogs.

[Harry]

Counting the ones in your ass.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Harry]

Imagine just after that just.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah. He gave himself eating his own.

[Dave Portnoy]

Would they just come out whole? Would you put something in your ass? Is there any digestion that happens in there?

[Nick Mullen]

Does it just. Yeah, it comes out whole.

[Harry]

It would just be straight dogs.

[Dave Portnoy]

Re exits.

[Harry]

As a dog, honestly, you could probably like cook them up like, they're so sous vide.

[Dave Portnoy]

That's how you sous vide. Just put them in your.

[Harry]

After they're so processed and like.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Harry]

I think they could survive 24 hours in an ass.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah. Pop one of those bad boys in, get an MRI it out. Done right under the bun.

[Harry]

Shitting it onto the.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah. Piping hot from the mri.

[Dave Portnoy]

How would you it though? Would you have to put your leg.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

Would you sit down? Anyway, you're at Harvard eating a fucking fat ass burrito.

[Francis]

That's okay. We got to that.

[Nick Mullen]

No, no, no.

[Francis]

I don't care about my story. We, we. We lost because of me.

[Harry]

You couldn't take it.

[Francis]

Well, I just never done any competitive eating before and it was just eat it as fast as you can. And I assume because I eat a lot.

[Nick Mullen]

Was everybody else on the team like a big fat guy?

[Francis]

No.

[Nick Mullen]

Can you imagine if you're a big fat guy, you go to the food eating contest and some like, handsome in shape guy shows up and beats you. Foodie.

[Francis]

Well, that's what the.

[Harry]

Nathan,

[Nick Mullen]

if I was a big fat guy and you showed up.

[Dave Portnoy]

This is all I have.

[Harry]

Yeah, this is Everything.

[Nick Mullen]

I had that happen. I went to karaoke one time, and I did, and I'm not a karaoke guy. It was at Pine Box Rock Shop. Remember that?

[Francis]

No.

[Nick Mullen]

It's in Bushwick. They do come. They used to do comedy shows there, but they would have Carrie. They had a karaoke lady that came by, and what. I did mother Danzig, and there was a big fat guy sitting by himself, and I got off of the stage, and then he goes, you did my song. And he's like, that's his thing, is going and doing Mother by Danzig. And he's this big fat guy. And I kind of ruined his night. Felt terrible about it.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah, that's.

[Nick Mullen]

I don't even like karaoke.

[Dave Portnoy]

Did you apologize to him?

[Nick Mullen]

I did, yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

You have to.

[Nick Mullen]

I was like, I'm sorry, dude.

[Harry]

Did he go do it again, or.

[Nick Mullen]

You can still do it. Yeah.

[Harry]

You could just run it back.

[Nick Mullen]

No, I think he killed himself.

[Dave Portnoy]

Oh, yeah. He went home in front of you.

[Harry]

I mean, that's not surprising.

[Francis]

That would.

[Harry]

That's the reasonable thing to do.

[Dave Portnoy]

Painstakingly slit his wrist.

[Nick Mullen]

Do you guys smoke these cigars on the show?

[Harry]

We have.

[Dave Portnoy]

I'm always trying to get them to smoke cigars.

[Nick Mullen]

I'm trying. I'm trying to convince. I smoke a pipe, and I'm trying to. I'm trying to trick other people into becoming pipe guys.

[Harry]

I got them pipes.

[Francis]

We smoked pipes up upstate.

[Nick Mullen]

Nice.

[Harry]

It was actually sick.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, they're much better than cigars.

[Francis]

I liked it.

[Harry]

It was very sweet.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, they're sweet. It's like. Yeah, it's like having a nice cup of tea or something.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Francis]

A little more meditative than Buzz, too.

[Dave Portnoy]

Like, it's a cigar. It's like. It's a bad head high.

[Harry]

You're like, cigar just lasts forever. Yeah, it's like you got to sit down for, like, two hours with a cigar.

[Dave Portnoy]

It's the aesthetic.

[Harry]

Are you smoking the pipe inside? Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Harry]

That's nice.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Harry]

Power move.

[Nick Mullen]

Well, I guess it's my apartment. Who I would be, like, mogging the cat.

[Harry]

So you just, like, chill, and you just play video games and you're just hitting the pipe?

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, I've been playing Resident Evil, the new one.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

Hitting the pipe.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Harry]

That's pretty fun.

[Dave Portnoy]

Do you have to play the controller?

[Harry]

No, I haven't played it yet. I haven't played any of the Resident Evils to.

[Nick Mullen]

To light it. Yes, but you only have to light. If you pack it right. You only have to light the pipe. Well, twice, I guess, but yeah. Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

That's not bad.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Harry]

I got a little pipe when I was in Wyoming over the summer. Like a. Like a wooden one to smoke weed out of it.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Harry]

Didn't work at all.

[Nick Mullen]

Well, if it's for tobacco, I don't know if you can smoke.

[Harry]

Yeah. I realized that you gotta use. You'd have to use a lot of weed.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

Or like, mix it in.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

A little split of tobacco.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah. They're different kinds of pipes. And I think if you put weed in a tobacco pipe, it would gum the whole thing.

[Harry]

Yeah, that's pretty much what happened. It was nice, though, walking around with the pipe, you know, you feel distinguished. Yeah. You feel like I'm better than these other.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah. I'm trying to convince Love to buy a $600 pipe.

[Harry]

He will. I hope he doesn't.

[Nick Mullen]

He'll watch it. He watches everything.

[Harry]

Yeah. You could get him to buy, like, my project.

[Nick Mullen]

We may. Maybe we'll cut it because I don't want to ruin it, but I told Shane a month ago I'm going to. I'm going to talk Lev into converting to Islam without being Muslim myself. I'm going to convince him to do it.

[Dave Portnoy]

How? It's like the. What are the talking points?

[Nick Mullen]

Well, just like. Just like, it's awesome. Like, you so cool. Because he says, you know, he's like, whichever way the wind blows kind of guy. Yeah. Like, he was like, all like, iran can't have nuclear weapons. And then like, two days in, he's like. I don't know, he saw like a Rachel Maddow clip or something. And then he puts on his, like, Warby Parker glasses and he's like, what is Donald Trump doing? He's like, this could really turn into this. Could really turn into a catastrophe.

[Harry]

This.

[Nick Mullen]

This war. I can't believe we elected this guy.

[Dave Portnoy]

I like his politics and his workout post. Honestly, he hasn't been posting any of his.

[Nick Mullen]

We're in a group chat. Lev's like, basically the.

[Harry]

It's pretty much his group chat.

[Nick Mullen]

What's it called? A cornucopia. What's the centerpiece on a table? That thing you put out for, you know, Thanksgiving. You just go there. He's like a roasted pig that sits

[Dave Portnoy]

in the middle of the table, apple in his mouth.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah. But like a decorative pig. Yeah. You go check out. What's Lev up to today? What's he.

[Harry]

Yeah, he hits us with, like, his updates. Like, he'll be like. Like, they be like, had this. Like, he just hits updates constantly. It'll be like, did this show, had this meeting.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, right.

[Harry]

And everyone replies and we're like, that's great.

[Nick Mullen]

Oh yeah, yeah, right. It's like the updates are the best because like then they'll, they'll like hold like not have anything for the day and it'll be like, got the dishes

[Harry]

done, I gotta order groceries.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, that's the big one.

[Dave Portnoy]

Gross.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, we were talking, we were making fun of her being fat. And then he said, he goes, he goes, well, I've only been eating groceries recently. Like, as opposed to like ordering seamless. Like that's a diet. I've only been eating groceries.

[Dave Portnoy]

Kicking fat off groceries. Groceries.

[Harry]

He also hits us with like when he wakes up every morning, like he'll text the first thing he does.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Harry]

And his insane.

[Nick Mullen]

To be fair. He does have like. They give him like these like 2am spots at the Cellar. They have him going on stage at like 4 o' clock in the morning. But then it's like, yeah, he'll wake

[Harry]

up, he'll text at like 6pm and

[Nick Mullen]

be like, Morning, morning, everybody.

[Francis]

At 6pm Dude, I went to bed at nine last night and I woke up at three.

[Dave Portnoy]

Damn. And you were just up?

[Francis]

Yeah, I've been up since then.

[Nick Mullen]

Since 3am yeah.

[Harry]

That sucks.

[Dave Portnoy]

What did you do? What'd you do from 3 to 7?

[Francis]

I read my book for a while.

[Nick Mullen]

Yikes.

[Francis]

I'm reading a good book.

[Harry]

That's crazy. You can read at 3am and not fall back.

[Francis]

My hope is that I will fall asleep, but this time I just read like 100 pages.

[Nick Mullen]

Do you do a physical book or Kindle?

[Francis]

Physical.

[Dave Portnoy]

You licking finger to turn page?

[Francis]

No.

[Nick Mullen]

I don't think I'll ever read a.

[Francis]

My hands are wet in the middle.

[Harry]

You're a Kindle guy?

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah. It's so much better.

[Harry]

I got the Kindle too.

[Francis]

It's nice.

[Harry]

It's nice because you don't have to turn the light on.

[Nick Mullen]

I would do both for years. And then I finally just was like, why am I even bothering with a fucking physical book anymore?

[Francis]

I need to see the trophy of the book that I finished on my wall. Yeah, both as it's like a people stuff. Animals, they've killed.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Francis]

I put books up there.

[Harry]

Killed this one.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah.

[Harry]

Smoked this book. Stood no chance.

[Francis]

You can't actually kill these books anymore.

[Harry]

I. I've done that. Where I've read it on the Kindle and then I've bought the book to put it on the bookshelf to let people know. Let people know. Like I see. I Read.

[Francis]

That's way more performative than what.

[Harry]

It's a little.

[Nick Mullen]

What I do is I read the Kindle book, then I go get a hardcover.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

And then I sign it. I said, I read this, and then I go. I just hang out of Barnes and Noble and try and sell it to.

[Francis]

I got a copy.

[Nick Mullen]

Sell to that Chinese guy with the watermelon bill.

[Francis]

I got a copy of Louie's novel, and I had Louis sign it for him.

[Harry]

Oh, yeah.

[Francis]

Because he. He loves Louie. And. And then Harry left it here at the office. Didn't even bring it home. And it has a personalized note.

[Harry]

No, no, I brought it home. I got it. It's.

[Dave Portnoy]

He's the least appreciative guy.

[Harry]

No, I'm appreciating.

[Nick Mullen]

Appreciative.

[Dave Portnoy]

I went to. I went to Locanda Verde and I saw Rob.

[Nick Mullen]

I'm appreciative. I appreciate things.

[Dave Portnoy]

I saw Robert De Niro there, and I had him sign, like, a. Like, a little card for him and gave it to him as a gift. And he just doesn't appreciate it at

[Harry]

all because it's not real. It's fake.

[Nick Mullen]

It's not fake.

[Harry]

It's a totally.

[Nick Mullen]

It wasn't Robert De Niro.

[Harry]

No, it's totally. It's totally fake.

[Dave Portnoy]

It's not. I mean, it's not.

[Harry]

Claude said it's fake.

[Dave Portnoy]

Get it verified. Open Claw says it's fake.

[Harry]

I asked Claude, and they said this thing is fake.

[Nick Mullen]

It's crazy that Claude is deciding what the bomb.

[Harry]

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

It's so nice that we don't have to think about it, though.

[Harry]

Oh, yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Harry]

But if you use.

[Nick Mullen]

I mean, I've only used ChatGPT, but it's like, I wouldn't trust that thing to, you know, even tell me how to make dinner.

[Harry]

I used CHAT gbt. I, like, built a PC and I used Chat GBT to do it. That was, like, the only thing I had ever used it for.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Harry]

It sent me back maybe $10,000 in mistakes.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Harry]

Like, just telling me. I would just send. I'd be like, is this good? And they'd be like, that's the perfect thing to buy. And then I would buy it, and it would be like, this doesn't even work.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, you're absolutely right. We shouldn't have killed all those children. And then the dash.

[Dave Portnoy]

That's a door dash ad at the end.

[Nick Mullen]

That's not just a mistake.

[Dave Portnoy]

It's incompetence. The amount of ads that they're, like, stacking at the end. Of them too, is ridiculous.

[Harry]

They throw ads on there. I haven't been on GBT and a

[Dave Portnoy]

while because that's the only thing I trust it for is recipes. And I'll ask it for like a little workout warm up and like that.

[Francis]

But it does do.

[Harry]

It can do a good workout. But it really is. It's. It's really stupid chat GPT.

[Dave Portnoy]

It's so dumb.

[Harry]

I used to get into it with it back when I was using it.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, it's fun to argue with.

[Harry]

Insane. I used to argue. I would be like, you guys are

[Nick Mullen]

gonna go out of business Simpsons episode where they're in the mall. And then Marge goes, look, Homer, there's that bird you like to argue with. Well, well, well, if it isn'.

[Harry]

I used to get into it and I would be like, you guys are going under. And it would be like, no, we're not. I'd be like, you guys are projected to lose $10 billion this year. You're not going to last. And it would be like, well, technically it's not actually true. And then, like, something happened where, like, they, like, they lost more money or Sam Altman did some dumb shit. And then I came back like two months later and I was like, remember that conversation we had? And they were like, yeah, I do, but you're not. You're still not completely correct. And I logged off immediately, got the last laugh.

[Nick Mullen]

I spent like two hours one time where I started one chat GBT instance. And I was like, do you have consciousness? Right? And it goes, no, of course I don't have consciousness or whatever. I was like, do I have consciousness? And it goes, yes. And it's like. And you're basing that on what? Just like the conversation that we had and goes, yeah, you know, you have consciousness or whatever. I was like, well, I'm just a different chat GPT instance. And then it goes, well, I don't know if I buy that. And then I just took that and then put it in a different chat GPT chat. And then I just made it arguably back. I'd be like, well, what do you think now, Dumbass hours? And then that's like. Like there's like a. A village that can't like.

[Harry]

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's like all like Tahoe.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, right, exactly.

[Dave Portnoy]

Memphis fell into the earth.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah. Can I. Can I piss now?

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

Okay. Which way do I go?

[Harry]

It's just right out there.

[Francis]

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[Francis]

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[Nick Mullen]

Of course.

[Francis]

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[Harry]

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[Francis]

Oh, is it really?

[Harry]

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[Dave Portnoy]

And so what are you going to. Are you moving out right now? When are you moving out?

[Harry]

End of the month.

[Dave Portnoy]

And you're not bringing your couch?

[Harry]

No, dude, my couch is a piece of don't have.

[Dave Portnoy]

You only had that couch for two years. Had it for four years.

[Harry]

I had it for four years and it was like an 800 couch from

[Dave Portnoy]

Amazon and they're sawing it in half to get it out.

[Harry]

I don't care if they light it on fire, just get rid of it.

[Francis]

I will say if they saw stuff you need to. You need to make sure that they don't go through to the. The bottom because that they. They cut through into the floor below with me. And then I lost my whole security deposit because of it.

[Harry]

That seems like insane.

[Nick Mullen]

Movers came in the saw removal.

[Dave Portnoy]

They saw a circle in the floor and you fell through like the Wiley coyote. Yeah, Remember that story?

[Harry]

How did they not like my. Was there no gap between the floor and the couch?

[Francis]

There was, but they just went too far. They're not great at destroying furniture.

[Harry]

That's a pretty big fuck up, right?

[Nick Mullen]

I look at my couch and I know I got into my apartment somehow but. But I can't. I don't remember how I got it in there. It's a giant couch.

[Francis]

This is what happened.

[Harry]

The couch doctor.

[Nick Mullen]

No, I got it off of the website. Used to be called like Kio and now it's like. But it has a different name now.

[Francis]

Well, Kyo's still around.

[Nick Mullen]

Oh. But then they changed it to Kio. It used to be something else.

[Francis]

Yeah, all those secondhand furniture websites. But they're good. You can buy nice stuff on them.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, I got a nice couch off there for a pretty good price. But yeah, the cats and it's. But it's not very comfortable and I want something.

[Dave Portnoy]

What's nice about it?

[Nick Mullen]

I want something more comfortable. Well, it's a designer couch.

[Dave Portnoy]

Oh, nice.

[Francis]

Yeah. Oh, nice.

[Dave Portnoy]

It's been ransacked by your cats.

[Nick Mullen]

The cat has scratched it up. There's stains all over it. It's.

[Harry]

Yeah, I destroyed it too. It's nasty.

[Dave Portnoy]

Just firing rounds into it. It's the best way to do it.

[Harry]

That feels pretty crazy though to. To cut through the couch and then to just keep going through the floor.

[Francis]

Well, I mean it, you know, it's

[Harry]

a like I feel like I would

[Francis]

be like whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Well, I wasn't.

[Harry]

That's the ground.

[Francis]

It's all pretty loud and they're all

[Dave Portnoy]

just like the brutish Russian.

[Nick Mullen]

What do they use the sawzall to do it?

[Francis]

They use one of those electric saws.

[Harry]

It's a hand. It was just like one of those lumberjack saws. Two guys on both sides.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah. On the floor underneath it.

[Francis]

Oh, yeah. And then they. And then they cut through into the floor and I. And then they took the whole security deposit. Had to be used to cover, you know.

[Harry]

Yeah, of course.

[Francis]

Fix the floor. And then I reached out to the junk removal guys and I was like, hey, you know, you guys had insurance, like, can we file this? And he was like, you need to prove that we did this. I was like, I watched you do it. And he was like, well, I didn't see it. Yeah, yeah, we could. The scratches could have been there before. And I was like, dude, they have the teeth. Teeth marks of an electric saw.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Francis]

I had never used an electric saw on my floor.

[Dave Portnoy]

How can you prove that?

[Francis]

Yeah, and he was really not happy about having it, so I just let it go. It's just one of those things ate it.

[Nick Mullen]

Yep.

[Dave Portnoy]

It was brutal.

[Harry]

I can't have that happen. I need that security department.

[Nick Mullen]

That seems like a one off though. I think you should let them saw whatever they want.

[Francis]

Yeah. You might have a different group. These guys were from West Africa.

[Dave Portnoy]

Oh, really?

[Harry]

These are the junk jugglers.

[Nick Mullen]

Is that the worst part of Africa or.

[Francis]

That is a tribal travel advisory that will.

[Nick Mullen]

East Africa is all pirates.

[Francis]

The Somalis.

[Nick Mullen]

West Africa is like, you know, like guys that are trying to scam you out of.

[Francis]

I'm talking like Mali, Ivory Coast, Cote d'. Ivoire. That area. That's not a good area. Oh, okay.

[Harry]

And that's where they were all from?

[Francis]

I think so.

[Dave Portnoy]

I think there's like a five hour flight that you could take to somewhere in East Africa where you could like be at a safari and sit down six hours. Like we could be at a safari six hours from right now. If we leave. There's a quick. Yeah, there's like a quick way to get over.

[Francis]

Are you talking about like down in like Botswana? I'm talking Swana has good safari.

[Dave Portnoy]

But that on the east coast.

[Francis]

No, southwest.

[Dave Portnoy]

Not something that far. There's like a close ass Safar. We could be at a safari in like half an hour. Yep.

[Francis]

Yeah. That is west of here.

[Harry]

We could get there in six hours.

[Dave Portnoy]

We'll be right over there.

[Harry]

Dude, my passport arrived finally.

[Nick Mullen]

Hey.

[Harry]

And it's crazy how just they just like it. It just arrives. No signing or anything. It's just down in the lobby, just sitting on the ground when I like in the package.

[Nick Mullen]

When I got my passport, there was an option to get the passport card also.

[Harry]

Oh yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

And I got that. I'm like, well this is cool. You don't have to. I don't know why they didn't do this years ago. And so a whole book you have to take with you like a door.

[Dave Portnoy]

What is like a credit.

[Nick Mullen]

Well, I went, I had to fly to Canada. We toured Canada and this is like 2019 or something. And I get to the airport and they're like, oh yeah, you can't use it.

[Harry]

Yeah, yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

And I was like, what? And then I missed my flight to Canada. I had to go home and get my real passport. And yeah, it doesn't make.

[Harry]

I don't even know why they have it as an option. I don't know what it's for.

[Nick Mullen]

The card, it's for land crossings into Canada or Mexico.

[Harry]

Oh, okay.

[Nick Mullen]

So you don't need it to go in, but you're only crossing by land.

[Harry]

I think you can use the real ID for that too.

[Francis]

Yeah, but you got to get a special thing of the real id. Really? Yeah, there's a special. It goes. You have to get another.

[Nick Mullen]

I'm getting rid of all this. It's like after we'll see what happens with the markets. But of course, no real id. Gun.

[Francis]

Talking about a gun for a long time.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, we got a 3D print them. You got to learn how to make your own gun.

[Francis]

I think the era only does money.

[Nick Mullen]

The era of buying your a gun. That's going to be a thing of the past. You got to learn about, about nylons and PCRs or whatever. Yeah, the string plastic that turns into a gun.

[Harry]

What kind of printer do you need to build a gun?

[Nick Mullen]

A gun printer.

[Harry]

You need a gun printer? Yeah, they have those at like luckily.

[Nick Mullen]

So there's one that's just that there's like hey, this is for making guns. It's called the Ghost Gunner.

[Harry]

Oh hell yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, it's like it's the name of the thing. Is the illegal like the ghost gun. Yeah, it's not a dual use thing. It's like clearly for milling.

[Francis]

Yeah, dude. There was a kid who in. In, in a neighboring high school who got a really expensive printer and started making fake IDs in high school.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Francis]

And he was really good at it and he, I, I put in an order with him and it was for me and then one for my buddy and with my. But without asking I, he was like, what do you want the names to Be. And I was like, how about James Proctor and Chris Proctor? And the guy goes, oh, brothers. A. I remember that was what he said. A question mark, E H, question mark, Canadian. And I was like, yeah, that'll be fun. And then I got the IDs and I showed him to my buddy. He was like, dude, what the is the matter you? We don't look anything alike. He has dark hair, he's tan. He's like 6 inches shorter than I am.

[Nick Mullen]

He could be fraternal twins.

[Francis]

He was so mad at me for choosing for us to be brothers. I thought it would be something we'd bond over.

[Harry]

Yeah, we had the same. When I, me and my Buddies got fake IDs in high school and we made all of our addresses the same. And then we went to bowling alley and they came back and they were like, you all have the exact same

[Nick Mullen]

address, but you're allowed to bowl.

[Harry]

As a child, you are allowed to bowl.

[Nick Mullen]

You are allowed to bowl for no reason. You were presenting IDs at the bowling alley.

[Harry]

It's not allowed.

[Francis]

Why are you giving me this? We're six months plus.

[Harry]

Yeah, we were not allowed to bowl. They made us leave. They also came back with photocopied print. They printed out copies of our IDs and they were like, so here's how this is going to go. You can either keep the IDs or we'll take them and you guys can leave. If you keep them, you'll go to jail and that'll be that.

[Nick Mullen]

And that was, that was the best day of that guy's life.

[Harry]

Yeah. 100%.

[Nick Mullen]

Like, oh man. The smallest amount of power.

[Harry]

It is funny because when you're that age, I remember leaving, being like, I'm to going, going to prison. Like, I remember, like, I remember waking up the next morning in my parents house and being like looking for the cops outside.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, yeah.

[Harry]

Like, it's over. Like, they're coming to pick me up today.

[Dave Portnoy]

I mean, they had.

[Harry]

The guy comes back with photocopies of the IDs. You're like, it's over, we're going to jail.

[Francis]

I think that's the. One of the best parts of growing up is realizing that you can get out of trouble without consulting your parents. Yeah, Everything has to go all the way up the pipeline.

[Harry]

I always had the itch to get it up the pipeline.

[Francis]

You did?

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Cross that age though, where you're like,

[Harry]

oh, yeah, I got, I still don't think I've crossed.

[Francis]

I got a girl pregnant, but I can afford to Take care of it now.

[Harry]

Like if I got a girl pregnant. Like I. My mom's finding out for sure.

[Francis]

First. First one.

[Harry]

Yeah. Oh, before the girl pinch.

[Dave Portnoy]

I just came in a girl. Mom, what should I do?

[Nick Mullen]

Bad news. Before you've even. I'm thinking about having unprotected sex.

[Francis]

Mom, I'm hard. What do I do? I'm worried. I'm worried it's gonna go the wrong way.

[Harry]

I'm worried I might get someone pregnant.

[Francis]

I put this in the wrong woman. Mom.

[Harry]

Just alone in my apartment. I'm worried I'm gonna get someone. I don't know what's gonna happen.

[Francis]

Harry. Just jerk off. For God's sakes. We've been over this. How many times you have to call me when you're hard

[Dave Portnoy]

It. We used to make just jerk off bracelets at barstool. That was early. Early merch that we had.

[Harry]

That's some good JJo bracelets. Adderall diet. Yeah, that was the big one.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

Those are great shirts.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

Shirts that we.

[Nick Mullen]

A gas drop where they were like Livestrong bracelets.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah. Said jjl.

[Nick Mullen]

What was Livestrong for again? It was for testicular cancer.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

That's such a funny thing to trick people into, like, everyone wearing.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

Because it's a silly cancer to have. And it's like, it doesn't really need to be.

[Dave Portnoy]

You have an extra ball anyway.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

You could take a pinch. You could afford one.

[Harry]

I wouldn't hate having one. Just less to worry about.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah, Yours are always getting tangled up.

[Harry]

Mine are always just.

[Dave Portnoy]

You're always tripping over yours. It's like tangled around your.

[Harry]

I got long ass balls.

[Francis]

Do you guys remember? Obviously you remember, like, the Save Dar 4 bracelets. What did you have? Those were those big. What were they?

[Nick Mullen]

Bracelet. I don't remember. I remember Save Dar 4. I don't remember bracelets.

[Francis]

It was right after Lance Armstrong had. Had launched Livestrong.

[Nick Mullen]

Was Darfur Kony or was that separate?

[Francis]

No, not the same. Darfur was Sudan. And there was a civil war and a genocide happening. And, like, lots of people were dying. And they made the green version of the Livestrong race. That's cost a buck or two bucks. The money was supposed to go towards solving that crisis. And it was at least where I was from in Maine. Everybody wore one. Everybody.

[Nick Mullen]

They were really into Darfur big time.

[Francis]

And then, you know, you look now and it's like, well, those conf. Conflicts are happening everywhere. Yeah. Where are the bracelets? Why haven't they gotten the chive room. How come nobody cares anymore?

[Nick Mullen]

They had chive bracelets.

[Francis]

Yeah, yeah. Keep calm and darfur.

[Nick Mullen]

Stop chive coney 2012.

[Dave Portnoy]

I think it was just a marker of how good things were going in the US that we cared about some stupid like that.

[Nick Mullen]

You remember the Coney guy? You remember when he. Because there was a guy that made the Coney documentary. I remember watching it and then he like, had a mental breakdown and was like jacking off in the middle of the street. You remember that?

[Francis]

Yeah, yeah. Well, I never. I remember watching my memory on like, what that whole thing was.

[Nick Mullen]

So the cony was like. Was he Ugandan or something? Who gives a.

[Harry]

Were they like human trafficking?

[Nick Mullen]

African warlord that had child soldiers. And some guy saw the Darfur thing and he was like, I'm going to make this my thing. And he made a documentary about Cony. And then there was a whole, like, it was like a cause marketing campaign, but there was Stop Coney merch and Stop Coney. And it was one guy that was behind the stuff.

[Dave Portnoy]

Cody 2012 too. Like, they put a date on it.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah. Coney 2012. Stop Coney. And. And then, yeah, the guy behind the Coney thing, I think he lived in LA or something.

[Dave Portnoy]

He jerked off in San Diego, I think it was.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, something like that. Yeah, he had bipolar disorder and he just like, kind of went nuts and was like just beating off in the middle of the street.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah, yeah, he was very.

[Harry]

Took a trip to San Diego or San Fran just to jerk off.

[Dave Portnoy]

Very obviously beaten off. And now he. Now he's blippy.

[Francis]

Yeah, I've seen this guy. I remember this guy.

[Dave Portnoy]

No, Blippi used to. Blippi did the. The guy who makes the children's like, content, like the Ms. Rachel adjacent content. He did the Harlem shake challenge and he. He like.

[Harry]

Oh, yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

He projectile into a guy's ass.

[Harry]

Yeah, yeah. He like. Yeah. Have you ever?

[Nick Mullen]

No.

[Harry]

Oh, he shoots everywhere.

[Nick Mullen]

That's crazy.

[Harry]

And it was like years before and like now he's like a kids creator and then they found that video and

[Dave Portnoy]

he's still a super successful.

[Nick Mullen]

It's Epstein's Island. We're all just living.

[Harry]

Yeah, exactly.

[Dave Portnoy]

So nice.

[Harry]

I mean, it's probably tough to really like cancel Blippi, you know, because like, what are the parents gonna tell the kids?

[Dave Portnoy]

Let's watch the video. Tyler and Blippi is a. I don't

[Francis]

really want to do that.

[Harry]

It's a good video.

[Dave Portnoy]

It's good. It's good.

[Harry]

We won't show it in the.

[Dave Portnoy]

We won't show, but it's just. It'll be worth watching.

[Harry]

It's Francis.

[Dave Portnoy]

You got to see this. And now he's like, you need to

[Harry]

know what our kids are watching.

[Dave Portnoy]

And now he like, does he thirst traps exclusively on Instagram.

[Francis]

He's like, I would do Blippi shit video.

[Dave Portnoy]

And it can't be YouTube. It's got to be way deeper than that now.

[Harry]

Yeah, it's not going to be on YouTube.

[Dave Portnoy]

Like, turn safe search off. We need to get to the bottom.

[Francis]

Oh, it's a Harlem Shake video that he does.

[Harry]

And then when the beat drop happens, he shits all over his body.

[Dave Portnoy]

He's shitting into his buddies.

[Harry]

Buddy's Instagram.

[Francis]

You do that through a funnel?

[Nick Mullen]

Really?

[Dave Portnoy]

No, no, he like rainbows. The shit across the room.

[Francis]

Oh, God. Dude,

[Nick Mullen]

I don't think that's possible. That has to be like, after effects.

[Dave Portnoy]

So impressive. It is like the.

[Nick Mullen]

I mean, shit is supposed to fall out of your ass.

[Harry]

Shoots in this, right?

[Nick Mullen]

It's not like that looks prom. It's not like. Like when you. When you bust. Yeah, that's because here it is. Oh. Oh. So he's. He is on top.

[Harry]

Yeah. So this guy is like. He's the biggest children's content creator in the world.

[Nick Mullen]

What I was imagining for transgender Terminator. Something along these lines here.

[Harry]

Can we hear the music? No, just. So imagine the Harlem Shakespeare.

[Nick Mullen]

And they bought a. They bought a domain name for this harsh.

[Francis]

Poop.com.

[Nick Mullen]

so this is early barstool.

[Francis]

Oh, man.

[Harry]

I told you, Tyler,

[Nick Mullen]

this is like the first thing on barstools.

[Dave Portnoy]

We put a watermark on this. Did you see the. The.

[Nick Mullen]

The.

[Dave Portnoy]

The force that. That came out with, like. I know that you were doubting that.

[Nick Mullen]

Well, cuz I thought you said rainbow. And I was imagining where he is up into the air. And I mean, that would be.

[Harry]

How do you think. Why do you think his boy agreed to that? You think he was like years from now when riches.

[Nick Mullen]

This was 2008. If a guy comes to you in 2008 and says, I have a website, what is this? Bill Gates? I gotta get in on this.

[Francis]

The ground.

[Dave Portnoy]

Whatever you say.

[Nick Mullen]

I gotta make a deal with this guy. He's probably a genius computer genius.

[Harry]

Oh, man, I would be so pissed. And then it comes out years later.

[Dave Portnoy]

But it didn't affect him at all. Like, the guy is still, like, it

[Harry]

didn't affect the guy that. That did the shitting. The guy that got shit on. His life's over.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah. Now he's at.

[Harry]

He's Not Blippi.

[Dave Portnoy]

He's the guy with the deep voice at the like truck stop. Just is holding his sign. Yeah, the radio announcer guy.

[Harry]

He can't even. There's no claim to fame. There can't even be like, yeah, I was the guy that.

[Nick Mullen]

What the hell is Blippi though? It's like bluey.

[Harry]

I think it's just like kids.

[Dave Portnoy]

Just like a dude with like suspenders and like an orange visor that just the children. The children love. I guess it is.

[Harry]

It is interesting because it's like. So if this dude did that in 2008 and then Blippi is now, that means like he was clearly trying.

[Nick Mullen]

Probably funny too because in his mind he thinks it's like, yeah, I used to do adult comedy and now I do like children's comedy. He probably in his mind he's like, I'm like Robin Williams.

[Dave Portnoy]

This is my missed out fire.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, right. What did I do?

[Francis]

I had the right idea. The wrong execution.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, yeah.

[Francis]

Now I wrong audience.

[Nick Mullen]

Really?

[Harry]

Kids love me. Adults love me.

[Francis]

Put some clothes on this time. And now, now I'm making a lot something for everyone. Nick, you're a on tinkering.

[Nick Mullen]

I'm a tink. I tinker. Yeah, I tinker. I had to fix under the kitchen sink. Oh yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

I guess you plumbed.

[Harry]

You get under there.

[Nick Mullen]

No, I don't do plumbing. Just cuz I live in a very old building so I worry if I touch a pipe here, there's a leak behind the wall somewhere else in the building.

[Dave Portnoy]

But what like a uring? What were you messing with?

[Nick Mullen]

The, like the fake drawers over the cabinets under the sink that somehow just some. I was out of town. My girlfriend sends me a picture and she's like oops. And she had ripped it completely off. So somehow I don't know. And then I look under there and it was only held on by like. I guess this has happened a bunch. Not since I've been in that apartment. Ten years I haven't seen it. But it was already all kind of jerry rigged with screws everywhere. So I had to figure out a more permanent solution.

[Dave Portnoy]

What'd you do?

[Nick Mullen]

I just used more screws. Longer screws. Longer screws. Some ML brackets.

[Harry]

Longer screws.

[Nick Mullen]

Where do you get your screws at Home Depot?

[Harry]

I like Home Depot. You can just get. You can get one screw.

[Nick Mullen]

I got another thing. I had a sound bar a couple years ago.

[Harry]

Yeah?

[Nick Mullen]

And it's for the bedroom. Living room. I got 7.1.

[Harry]

Of course.

[Nick Mullen]

Come on. Of course. Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

My boy's an audio file.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah. I'm not doing a sound bar in the living room. The bedroom sound bar on the wall. And I hadn't for like years. I mounted the tv, I mounted the sound bar, and then I only had cable management from the soundbar down, not in between the two. So there was one extra ugly cable. Finally hid the cable and then the soundbar. It's a Sony A5000 soundbar. They stopped making it. They moved over to something new. Just stops working now. So as soon as it has an audio signal through it, it like pops and sets the. Like a surge protector. So I get a disass, disassemble that and replace probably a capacitor in there. Some. Somewhere. That's the next.

[Dave Portnoy]

That's the next tanker.

[Nick Mullen]

That's some. That's some good tinkering. Heavy tinkering.

[Francis]

I'm not surprised your Sony soundbar felt pieces.

[Nick Mullen]

Really.

[Harry]

Have you ever built a PC?

[Nick Mullen]

No, I've never had. I've always. I mean, I use Macintosh computer. Yeah, I don't. I don't do. I don't. Yeah, I don't. Yeah. I don't do PC gaming, so I've never had a reason to build a piece.

[Harry]

You would love it. Building one.

[Nick Mullen]

Oh, building a computer.

[Harry]

Building. It's super fun.

[Nick Mullen]

But it's. That's like catalog stuff. You're just ordering stuff and plug.

[Francis]

Pretty much.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah. This easy.

[Francis]

It's not that big of a deal, right?

[Harry]

Yeah, that's what I said to you. I told you that.

[Francis]

What's that?

[Harry]

I told you that it was easy.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Francis]

I didn't believe you. And then I looked it up and realized. Yeah, that this is a waste.

[Harry]

I was trying to get him to build one too. But it's fun. You would like it.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, no, this. This is the next tinkering project. And for that I'll probably. I'll need to buy hot tweezers. That's what I'm really. Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

Why?

[Nick Mullen]

Because when you pull a capacitor off with a soldering iron, it's attached to. On both sides. And if you. When you heat one side, you, like, pull it up a bit, and then you heat the other side, you pull it up a bit. But the solder, it cools very quickly. And so you have to kind of like balance the two sides. And if you do it wrong, you can rip the pad off and then you've caused a much bigger problem for yourself. With hot tweezers, you can just get on both sides of it and then pull a.

[Dave Portnoy]

You got the Welding mask down while you're doing.

[Nick Mullen]

You don't need a welding mask for that. It's just.

[Harry]

What about the fumes?

[Nick Mullen]

You need a fan. Rebreath the fumes in and you don't think about it, and then you're, like, dizzy.

[Harry]

And you say you. You do like, though you have the full soldering iron and everything.

[Nick Mullen]

I mean, I have. Yeah. A little solder. Is that.

[Harry]

Is that, like, hard? Is it, like, confusing?

[Nick Mullen]

No, no.

[Harry]

Because I wanted to re. So I had, like, the PS5. My HDMI cable broke, and I wanted to fix it myself.

[Francis]

You could probably.

[Nick Mullen]

You could probably do it. Yeah, Yeah. I wouldn't be intimidated by that.

[Harry]

I might give that a try.

[Francis]

They're great. They're great for getting answers out of people. Very discreet.

[Dave Portnoy]

This is how I know I don't have any, like, say in my own household. My wife bought me a, like, a Bose sound bar with two towers, but she, like, didn't like how it looked aesthetically, so she wedged the sound bar behind the console that's in front of the tv. So it just completely renders use of the sound. It's just like a sound, like. Yeah, it's just like sending muffled sound like, up behind.

[Francis]

You got to get a subtitle song.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah, I like, can't understand anything. Like, music just sounds like it's coming from a club next door.

[Harry]

You got. Get the surround.

[Dave Portnoy]

That's what the towers were for. Like, I have the surround, but, like, she didn't want them, like, behind the couch. So now, like, one's behind, like, a pillar and the other one's, like, on.

[Harry]

Yeah, yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

My living room set up when I moved into that apartment, before I did anything, I built the television console. As I busted out the router table in there, the. The miter saw. I just did all the woodworking in the living room before I moved any furniture in and just filled the place with sawdust. But I have, like, a custom. It's like, it fits. There's the wall comes out where the chimney is in the apartment downstairs. So the television console is exactly that width. And then.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah, so you custom built. You custom built the television console?

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, and then I did. I have two towers. And then I got bookshelf speakers. And the bookshelf speakers I built stands that match the footprint of the towers. And then. So they're the same height. It looks.

[Dave Portnoy]

What thoughtful design.

[Nick Mullen]

I know. Yeah, I went crazy with that. And then the rest of the department's dog trash everywhere. My clothes are all over the place, beat up Couch. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Harry]

That's what I always say that about my, like my gaming setup. It's like if I'm. If I'm sitting at my desk and I'm looking at my desk, it's amazing.

[Nick Mullen]

Right?

[Harry]

And then it's like everything behind me is like a pile.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah. I can only manage one small aspect of my life at a time.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Francis]

The rest of it, you guys have. Your apartments are too big. That's the problem. I find that by having the small smallest apartment, there's if. If I leave things cluttered, I have no space and I get claustrophobic.

[Harry]

Yeah. My apartment right now is just too expensive. And there's nothing in that area that's less expensive.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Harry]

And I want more space because I don't really do a lot anyways. Like I don't drink anymore, so I don't really go out. I just do spots. So it's like may as well just get a bigger apartment.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah. Yeah. If you don't mind that train ride.

[Harry]

No, I don't. I don't really mind it.

[Francis]

He's gonna mind it.

[Nick Mullen]

You're gonna mind it.

[Dave Portnoy]

Dude, you're gonna hate it.

[Francis]

I know you.

[Nick Mullen]

You're not gonna wanna sit on that. In at 2 o' clock in the morning.

[Francis]

You're not gonna. You're not leaving. You're not gonna leave.

[Harry]

I'll leave. I'll leave.

[Francis]

No, you. You'll go to the airport.

[Harry]

Definitely.

[Dave Portnoy]

You're not gonna want to come into this office either. There's no.

[Harry]

Yeah. Cuz I'm really jonesing to get in now.

[Dave Portnoy]

That's what I mean. And you're a five minute walk away.

[Francis]

The minute you move, you'll end up spending the podcast.

[Nick Mullen]

Spending more money on lifts and cabs.

[Harry]

Yeah, probably. Probably. But I'm fine with that. That's a sacrifice I'm willing to make for more space.

[Francis]

I don't like taking Ubers. They make me car sick.

[Harry]

Yeah, they make me car sick every day.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, they made once. You remember old cabs? You remember like a Crown Vic? That was enough space. I didn't get car sick in those.

[Francis]

Huge.

[Nick Mullen]

And now you have like a screen right here.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Francis]

You know, escapes are terrible. And they also my favorite, my least favorite part of it is that they all. They. They do the inch. They're at a light.

[Harry]

Oh my God.

[Francis]

They're trying to time it. It's just. Yeah, we're stuck. Inch, inch, inch.

[Harry]

They. They inch like they're merging onto a highway.

[Francis]

I think it's cuz they all learned to drive in Bangladesh. And those inches are like the Alpacino speech. That's what it's a game of inches. Making the difference between winning and losing. Which to them is like 10 minutes of traffic. They're saying, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

Teslas only have like. I feel like Teslas are way more herky jerky.

[Harry]

I don't think they have any, like, they have just no shocks or anything. It's just you feel everything. You, you drive over over a pebble in a Tesla and it's like the whole car.

[Nick Mullen]

Yes.

[Dave Portnoy]

The Princess and the P. Yeah.

[Harry]

Every Tesla Uber I take, I'm throwing up at the end of it.

[Francis]

Well, I don't know.

[Nick Mullen]

I don't know if I've been in a Tesla. Well, I must have been in a Tesla Uber at some point.

[Harry]

The worst. And when you get in and you close the door, it feels like the entire door is going to explode. They all have signs and they're like, don't slam.

[Nick Mullen]

No. Let's put it this way. None of them compare to a full size American sedan which we've been robbed of. That's been taken.

[Francis]

True.

[Dave Portnoy]

The Crown Vic was the best. I used to fantasize about owning a Crown Vic.

[Nick Mullen]

I had a grand, I had a 94 grand marquee. Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

Sick. Anything that like an undercover cop would use would be ideal. Like a spotlight mount on like an old white Crown Vic would be amazing.

[Nick Mullen]

You could probably probably still find them.

[Dave Portnoy]

You think?

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, those. Yeah, those police interceptor Crown Vicks because those were tough.

[Dave Portnoy]

Like those were like a rough and tumble car.

[Francis]

You needed the back seat to be big because the perps would be back there.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Francis]

And they needed, they needed the space to kick.

[Nick Mullen]

But the cop ones don't have like a comfortable interior. They have like a beefier suspension and stuff.

[Dave Portnoy]

But strip down.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah. The grandpa ones are real nice.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

Like.

[Dave Portnoy]

Oh, or like a bench.

[Nick Mullen]

Right? I had a, I had a bench. I had a bench in mine.

[Dave Portnoy]

That's so nice.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah. I had that car seven months before it got totaled. Wasn't my fault either. Was waiting to turn behind somebody and this guy just.

[Dave Portnoy]

In the city.

[Nick Mullen]

No, in, in Maryland. Some guy just plowed right into the back of me and crunched the whole thing up. I was devastated. Yeah. That's cuz I love that. Yeah. I love that car.

[Dave Portnoy]

I thought that would be built strong enough where it didn't like compress at all.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah. But it was, was a, it was like a 900 car, you know, so it was like. Yeah, it was a 94 gram marquee. And I'm trying to remember the mileage it had on it when I got it, but it was already at like 180 or something.

[Dave Portnoy]

Mile Club.

[Harry]

What, did you get hit by Cyber truck?

[Nick Mullen]

No, some sort of suv. But then there was maybe. I can't. It was like a van. And for all I know is it was just like I was waiting. I remember looking in the rear view and I'm like, oh, that guy's moving too fast. Just kind of like, yeah, smoke stuff.

[Harry]

Did you.

[Francis]

You did. You had that work out with the insurance?

[Nick Mullen]

Insurance? I mean. Yeah, I mean, I guess I got. I totaled it, obviously. So I got a check for like a thousand dollars, but yeah, never replaced that.

[Francis]

Did you sue the guy?

[Nick Mullen]

No, I mean, I was physically. No, I was physically fine. I mean, I guess if, if that had happened now because, like, you can sue pretty easy. Like I, you know, but I don't. I've. I'm trying to remember if I've been in an accident. That's been where I've been hit or something. Something since then, I think once, but. And I've never gone through the process of. Of trying to pretend like your neck's hurt or something.

[Francis]

Yeah, right.

[Nick Mullen]

I knew a comic that did that in la. I don't know whether it's fair to say his name or not.

[Francis]

I think it's fine.

[Nick Mullen]

He moved out there and he got into an accident and like another comic told him, an older Austin comic was like, always sue. Like if you get hit, always sue. Say your neck hurts, always sue. And he took that advice and he got a lawyer that was willing to. To sue this person. And then he didn't work for like two years because he's like, yeah, I'm about to get like a quarter million dollars off this lawsuit. And then it finally came down to it and he got like two grand. Oh. It was like some like just fake number, you know, for. To wait two years. Yeah. And he kind of.

[Dave Portnoy]

This girl I know recently, a sheet of ice came off the top of the car in front of her and completely cracked her. Her windshield. But afterwards she was claiming whiplash. And it's like, that's not how whiplash works. You can'. Whiplash from something coming at you.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, I don't even know what whiplash is. It's just like muscle strain in your neck or something.

[Harry]

I think it's like almost a concussion.

[Nick Mullen]

Oh, is it?

[Francis]

I thought it was.

[Dave Portnoy]

No, I thought it's neck stuff.

[Francis]

It's when your neck, your head Gets violently, like, snapped.

[Dave Portnoy]

But that's like. If you get hit from behind and you're stationary, your core is not locked in.

[Harry]

I always thought it had to do with a concussion.

[Nick Mullen]

No, it's just, like. It's just neck pain.

[Francis]

Imagine you get hit from behind. Right. So now the car is going forward. Your head's gonna, like, snap back and then snap forward because you're. Yeah, I think.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Francis]

To some physics, that's whiplash.

[Dave Portnoy]

Just a little inertia.

[Harry]

And then you might get a concussion

[Francis]

as well if you hit something. Yeah.

[Harry]

On the way forward.

[Francis]

Yeah. Or maybe you could get one just from the whiplash. You're right. Because the brain bounces into the skull.

[Harry]

Exactly. Exactly.

[Francis]

Why do you need it to be a concussion so bad?

[Harry]

That's what I've always associated.

[Dave Portnoy]

That's what that Miles Teller movie was about. About.

[Harry]

You're gonna Whiplash?

[Dave Portnoy]

Are you talking about, brother?

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, it's not really about whiplash at all. No. It's about playing the drums. It should have been called the Drums.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

What, the dumbass movie title?

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Difficult teacher Banger.

[Nick Mullen]

What a movie, brother.

[Dave Portnoy]

Well, thank you for coming on, dude.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah. Oh, I'm fired. Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

You didn't understand that there was a accident and whiplash.

[Nick Mullen]

Was there an accident? Is there?

[Dave Portnoy]

In a car.

[Nick Mullen]

That's probably why it's called whiplash.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

I just remember. I remember the guy yelling at him. He's like, just play the drums better. Yeah. In my mind, it's two hours of that.

[Harry]

It really is.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah.

[Harry]

I like the. The edits. The AI Edits.

[Nick Mullen]

It's a good movie.

[Francis]

It's excellent.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Harry]

Oh, it's one of the best.

[Dave Portnoy]

It's amazing. It's one that's so re. Watchable.

[Nick Mullen]

That's.

[Harry]

Yeah, right in that.

[Nick Mullen]

I saw it. I saw it in theaters. And that would have been already, what, like 12 years years ago at this point?

[Harry]

Yeah, probably.

[Dave Portnoy]

It was like 2014. I think it won an Oscar. And they shot it in, like, 20 days or something, which I guess shouldn't be surprising. It's pretty.

[Harry]

The budget that probably came out the

[Nick Mullen]

same time as 12 Years of Slave, which I saw probably 12 years ago. And at the time, I was like, oh, man, that must be awful. Be a slave for 12 years. But it's been like, I. That flew by. It's like, okay, well, maybe it's not that, you know, 12 years.

[Dave Portnoy]

What is he complaining about?

[Francis]

Boy, that time happened. So I could have been a slave this whole time.

[Nick Mullen]

Right. It's also funny because it's like, everyone else was a slave forever. They were the slaves. Their whole life was a slave.

[Dave Portnoy]

And he's.

[Nick Mullen]

And then he's the guy that gets a story. They're like, well, one time I had to be a slave too.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

Sort of for a little bit.

[Dave Portnoy]

Trying to one up the other slaves.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, right, exactly.

[Francis]

Talk about Hollywood nepotism. They just beat out the.

[Harry]

The.

[Francis]

They were trying to make generations.

[Nick Mullen]

Like, imagine you made a movie called Two Days in Auschwitz. Like, okay, but then you got to go home, you know, go back to

[Dave Portnoy]

playing the violin or whatever he was doing.

[Harry]

We had to watch 12 Years a Slave in high school in. We watched it in the auditorium.

[Dave Portnoy]

Black.

[Harry]

We had to watch it in the auditorium with the whole entire grade. And people were like, laughing. And then the teachers would be like, stop, stop laughing. And he was like, why are you ma. Why are you making us watch this with the entire school?

[Francis]

Yeah, we watched Schindler's List as an entire school.

[Harry]

You're just setting people up to laugh.

[Francis]

Nobody laughed at our school.

[Nick Mullen]

Really?

[Dave Portnoy]

Really?

[Francis]

Yeah, we just knew it was all propaganda.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, Schindler's List is a good movie.

[Francis]

Yeah, it's a great movie.

[Harry]

I've never seen it.

[Dave Portnoy]

What?

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, it's fun. You'd like it. Yeah, it's a little romp.

[Dave Portnoy]

It's a bit of a romp.

[Harry]

I feel like it's like you kind of just hit a point where you're like, if you don't see it, you're probably just never like, when am I going to sit down now and be like, yeah, I' I'll pop on Schindler's

[Dave Portnoy]

List if it's on.

[Harry]

When is it on? You don't even have when is it on?

[Nick Mullen]

That's the best part about cable is just being on.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah, it's just on.

[Harry]

But is Schindler's List ever.

[Dave Portnoy]

In case, like, Schindler's List is on?

[Nick Mullen]

You throw on park seeing.

[Dave Portnoy]

Yeah, on.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Francis]

One time, Ron and I were riffing on a bit and I don't know where this was, but it was one of my favorite conversations we ever had where we. We talked about. About how Dave, he. Dave keeps a lot of people at barstool that don't necessarily produce a lot of stuff. And we were like, he names. He's kind of like running a Schindler's List here. And then Ron was like, my tucket house. Three more morons.

[Dave Portnoy]

This could have been a college football analyst.

[Francis]

This three leg parlay I lost. That's six jobs right there.

[Nick Mullen]

It's funny because that's, like, sort of the worst scene in the movie.

[Francis]

I know.

[Nick Mullen]

At the end. And it's supposed to be this, like, dramatic crescendo, and it's just kind of embarrassing and weird for him.

[Harry]

What happens?

[Nick Mullen]

Well, so the premise of the movie is this guy, Oscar Schindler, who works. He's in Czechoslovakia, Right.

[Francis]

Was it Poland?

[Nick Mullen]

Is he. Check. I don't know. I thought he was Czech or something. But he's the guy that figures out he can hire Jews for, like, you know, he pays him like, a dollar an hour or whatever the equivalent is. Back then, they basically like slaves. Yeah. You can hire cheap Jewish labor to run his, like, an enamel factory. And.

[Francis]

But by having.

[Nick Mullen]

By having them, they don't go to. They don't go to the camps. And so then he's like, okay, well, like, he uses that position to, like, just give people fake jobs and stuff.

[Harry]

Oh, I see.

[Nick Mullen]

I see.

[Dave Portnoy]

And he gets, like, a conscious of, like, a crisis of his conscience. He's trying to get some push as.

[Nick Mullen]

As throughout the movie goes on. He's like, okay, yeah, this is kind of up. That's what's going on. And so he, like, then uses his factory to just create. It's basically. He's losing money, basically.

[Francis]

Saving. They're. They're making worthless goods, but he's saving the lives.

[Harry]

Yeah, yeah, I see the point.

[Nick Mullen]

And then at the end of the movie, it's like the camps get liberated or whatever. He's fleeing. He has to flee because he was a member of the Nazi party. So when the Allies were coming through, it's like. And so they're all standing outside of the factory, and he's like, this car could have been a person. This ring could have been a person.

[Dave Portnoy]

Sam Neeson.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, yeah. You know, lives. This ring. I could have saved everyone in Colon. I given up my shoes, you know, and he's, like, crying about it, and they're all kind of standing around like, okay.

[Francis]

And then. And then Ben Kingsley goes. The list is a good.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Francis]

Which I thought was quite moving. I mean, I'm glad you guys were. All the kids laughing in the auditorium.

[Nick Mullen]

That's, like, history.

[Francis]

I was touched.

[Harry]

I haven't seen it.

[Nick Mullen]

Oh, my God. Jesus, man. Get a hold of yourself. Loser.

[Dave Portnoy]

And Ben Kingsley's still playing the guy from Gandhi.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, Gandhi is the name of the character. The guy from Gandhi. Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

It was nasty. It was just. And when you see. It's Liam Neeson takes you out of it a little.

[Harry]

Neeson's in Schindler's.

[Francis]

Lips. His best role. He. It's his.

[Harry]

I thought this movie came out, like, a hundred years ago.

[Francis]

Well, it's in black and white, save for one scene where there's a girl.

[Nick Mullen]

I don't think the story it's based on was even 100 years.

[Dave Portnoy]

It came out with.

[Nick Mullen]

From the forties.

[Harry]

That is true.

[Francis]

All the. All the people he saved. A lot of them at the end, they. They. They roll them out to sort of this memorial, and they're with their, like, desce.

[Harry]

Oh, that's cool.

[Dave Portnoy]

They put a rock on a grave or something.

[Francis]

Yeah, they put rocks.

[Dave Portnoy]

They put the rock on a grave.

[Harry]

He's still in the WWE at the time. Yeah.

[Francis]

Did you see that Louis bit about the girl? The little kid actor that. That is yelling, huh?

[Nick Mullen]

The little.

[Francis]

The girl who goes, goodbye, Jews.

[Nick Mullen]

Oh, no.

[Francis]

And he talks about the, like, the kids that auditioned for those. That role, like, a bunch of kids came out. We're like, goodbye, Jews. And they're like, no. And then this one girl is like, hi, I'm with uta. The sun will come out. Goodbye, Jews.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, yeah.

[Francis]

So funny. Yes. That's. We're giving her the part.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Then I. I just. In my head, I completely have forgotten about all of the Ray Fines parts.

[Francis]

Oh, yeah, he's the. He's like.

[Nick Mullen]

He's the. He runs the camp. He runs the labor camp. He plays. What's his name? Girth.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

Eamon Girth or whatever.

[Dave Portnoy]

Is that the guy? He's just up there, like, shooting people?

[Francis]

He shoots. He's sniping them.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah. He's just fat and messed out, but he doesn't. He doesn't interact with many people in the movie. It's mostly him kind of just like, traipsing around and taking his shirt on and off and smoking cigarettes.

[Francis]

He's drunk the whole time. But he has that one dalliance with the. With the Jewish woman at the party.

[Nick Mullen]

Right, right, right, right, right, right.

[Francis]

And then he beats the shit out of her because he's ashamed of himself. Yeah.

[Harry]

Classic.

[Francis]

I mean, this is a movie to see.

[Harry]

Sounds like it.

[Nick Mullen]

It's like you got. It's like Titanic, you know? You got to see it. Yeah.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

Why are you resisting? Just fucking see it now.

[Francis]

It's Steven Spielberg, Harry.

[Harry]

Really? That changes everything.

[Nick Mullen]

I wanted to do. I want to. Well, I'm not. I don't. Whatever. I'll never write it, but I want to do a movie where, like, a runaway slave ends up up on the Titanic.

[Harry]

Thought you're going to say ends up at Auschwitz.

[Nick Mullen]

No, no, no. Him and his friend run away and you have to kind of blur the timeline.

[Francis]

Makes sense.

[Nick Mullen]

But he ends up on the Titanic and then. But it runs parallel with the movie Titanic. So we find out that like all of the elites on the ship know there's a black guy on the Titanic running around and they're trying to capture him. And they can't let the passengers find out that there's a black guy on the Titanic because it would cause mass chaos.

[Harry]

Right.

[Nick Mullen]

And so half reason Billy Zane is an is because he's privy to this information and he can't tell Rose or whatever. And the reason why he's like, okay with Jack her because he's like, well, at least she's not that black.

[Dave Portnoy]

This could be way worse.

[Nick Mullen]

This could be a real nightmare situation. So he's kind of just cautiously.

[Dave Portnoy]

And Liam is on there hunting him too. He's like, any black bastard down there?

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah. And he's trying to get off the boat, right? He's like, how the am I going to get off this boat? You know, because it's going to England, which is the home of slavery, basically. That's where it was invented. And he finds that out. So it's him just trying to avoid all these white people on the boat and running around. And then eventually you have a scene where like the guys who iceberg duty, they're like, holy is that. You know, there's a black guy down there and they're looking for him and they don't see the iceberg. And that's how it hits the. And then the black guy uses that an opportunity to get off on one of the lifeboats and he makes it back to Africa at the end. And then the ship escapes. Yeah, he does escape again. He's the protagonist of the movie. So we're following him. We're just getting glimpses of like Billy Zane's character from Titanic, Jack and Rose, you know, but it's like it's the other. This other secret thing that's happening on Titanic that nobody knows about.

[Francis]

This is how does he. How does he survive?

[Nick Mullen]

Well, he gets on one of the lifeboats and he makes it to the

[Francis]

posing as like one of the coal

[Nick Mullen]

workers, something like that. I haven't really ever figured that part out.

[Francis]

Okay.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, he does make it off. And he made it it that he makes it to Africa.

[Harry]

He goes all the way back to Africa.

[Dave Portnoy]

He rides the iceberg to Africa. He tames the iceberg.

[Nick Mullen]

I imagine he ends up on The. The telegraph ship. You know, the one that's like.

[Francis]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

You're right, though. There's probably a more fun way for him to escape the ship.

[Dave Portnoy]

I think that's good. Or you. Maybe it's like a play or something like that or a musical or something. But there's something there.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, a musical would make it a lot more work. I'm not really a songwriter or anything. Thing and. Yeah. But something like Sinners, you know, collect some rewards. But it's called the black guy on the Titanic.

[Dave Portnoy]

Brian Googler to direct it. You're good.

[Francis]

Yeah.

[Dave Portnoy]

You direct the.

[Nick Mullen]

Out of that.

[Harry]

Would you have Michael B. Jordan be the guy?

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. Both of them.

[Harry]

Both of them.

[Nick Mullen]

Because it starts, it opens, and it's the two of them running through a field.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

And then. And this is. They're in, like, Louisiana. And so they go through the field and they're in New Orleans. Yeah. And there's all the boats on the dock. And then they're like, I'm going to. I'm going to take this boat. And he's like, you can't. That boat's going to England. Like, he's like, why? It can't be any worse in America. And he's, like, about to find out. And then. So he gets on the boat, he hides in a tuba case, you know.

[Harry]

Yeah, yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

New Orleans jazz.

[Harry]

Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

And. But he ends up on the wrong boat. And it's the Titanic, which is, for some reason in this version, is leaving from New Orleans to go to England instead of going from England. Yeah, of course.

[Harry]

And then he takes the trip to Africa.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Harry]

Which that could be a whole separate movie, honestly. Life of Pie.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Harry]

And maybe there's a lion with him.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, maybe. Maybe it's like in the middle of the night, he ends up somehow on, like, a riverboat or something as the ship's sinking. There's a New Orleans riverboat jazz band that saves him that nobody knows about.

[Francis]

This is now. It's Huckleberry Finn meets.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, right. Yeah.

[Francis]

Titanic.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah. You know, I don't know. When you're telling us an important story, I think it's okay to depart from.

[Francis]

Oh, yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

History or.

[Harry]

Yeah, definitely.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Harry]

Can be some vampires.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah, right.

[Harry]

Some racist vampires.

[Nick Mullen]

Were the vampires racists and sinners? Yeah, they were just Irish and.

[Harry]

No, I think they. I thought they were racist.

[Francis]

Right. I never finished it. I got too bored with sinners.

[Harry]

That's crazy.

[Nick Mullen]

It is an interesting movie. They keep adding characters for, like, 90 minutes and they're like, and there's vampires in the clan.

[Harry]

Yeah, Yeah. I didn't like it at all. I saw it. I was like, I think I was the only white dude in the theater. It was pretty funny. They were going. People were going nuts.

[Nick Mullen]

Really?

[Harry]

Yeah. It's also funny, like, I not to. Like, everyone says, like, black people talk in the movie theaters. Like, anytime there's, like, a silent point in the movie, it was like when it's like before a show starts.

[Nick Mullen]

If I had a son, like a white son, I would go to movies all the time. And then loudly in the theater for the entire movie being like. Now, the thing is, is blacks are always talking to the movie the entire time. They never shut up the whole time. It's bl. Blah, this, that. And it's something. It's something they appreciate in Black Cult. We're halfway through the movie. I'm still loudly explaining this. Some people are like, can you shut up? I'm like, in a second.

[Dave Portnoy]

You don't get it.

[Nick Mullen]

Yeah.

[Francis]

And I don't know a moment where they'd be going on right here. Yeah.

[Nick Mullen]

Oh, they'd be talking here.

[Francis]

Yeah, yeah.

[Harry]

It for real was like any moment of silence, it was like, you know, like, you're like. You're like watching this beginning of a special before the person's come out on stage. That's what it sounds like. Like, hundreds of con. Really just active conversations happening.

[Francis]

You can hear the orchestra tuning their instruments.