Z for Zendaya | Son of a Boy Dad #423

Summary

Son of a Boy Dad #423: "Z for Zendaya" (July 30, 2026)

Hosts: Lil Sasquatch, Roan, Darren
Podcast: Barstool Sports

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Episode Overview

In this wide-ranging, comedic episode, the hosts riff on everything from social media AI spam, the bizarre trajectory of billionaire egos, the legacy and decisions of celebrity athletes, and the absurdity of luxury and privilege—to highly specific debates about the pronunciation of "buccal fat," celebrity plastic surgery, and high-end espresso machines. The rapport is quick, irreverent, and full of callbacks, bits, and satirical asides. With Sass recently out of college and searching for guidance, the group explores what it means to be a man in a hyper-mediated, post-Twitter world, drawing comedic parallels between online identity, legacy, and midlife existential crises.

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Key Topics & Segments

1. The AI/Dead Twitter Era & The Decline of Social Media

[03:16–06:05]

• Discussion of how social media (particularly Twitter/X) is "dead," swamped by bots and AI-generated posts, with real conversation declining.
• The crew riffs on viral personalities (e.g., Kyle Kuzma’s AI-esque tweets).
• Notable Quote: “[People] are just, like, tweeting to a cacophony of other AI bot accounts. Dude, it's dead accounts.” – Sass ([04:38])

2. The Billionaire Ego Problem

[06:05–13:35]

• Scrutiny of Elon Musk’s downfall from “visionary” to “villain” and the prospect of insane wealth corrupting people.
• Satirical takes on billionaire behavior—Musk vs. Bezos—and which makes for a less offensive rich person.
• Notable Quote: “He's like, I'll be mayor of New York...you get to a level where it's like, you're corny, and then you have to go back down one level, definitely.” – Sass ([09:01])
• Gags about absurd billionaire indulgences—hosting weddings in venues like MSG, or buying cities for parties.
• Running joke about giving Leo DiCaprio a palace as a flex.

3. Over-the-Top Celebrity Spending: Taylor Swift’s Wedding

[10:35–14:42]

• Dissection of Taylor Swift’s rumored ultra-extravagant wedding at Madison Square Garden, speculation about live plants and fake ICE raids as "party entertainment."
• The practical realities (and practical jokes) of billionaires making 'absurd purchases,' with allusions to American decadence.

4. The Post-Retirement Athlete Hustle: Tom Brady & Commercials

[14:49–23:33]

• Why does Tom Brady keep doing commercials and WWE events after his NFL career? Is it generational wealth, ego, or just boredom?
• Compared/contrasted with other retired athletes doing ads (Shaq, Peyton Manning, Jason Kelsey).
• Notable Quote: “My theory...is that he has come to the conclusion that it is so easy for him to make money in his post career...such that future generations of his family will not have the ease that he has of making this money.” – Roan ([15:09])

5. Celebrity Cosmetic Surgery & Aging

[23:11–27:04]

• Spirited debate over “buccal” vs. “buckle” fat and celebrities' obsession with plastic surgery (Kim Kardashian, Tom Brady, John Travolta).
• Roasting recent celebrity looks post-cosmetic surgery.
• Notable Quote: “Tom Brady looks like his buckle fat was vacuum sealed out of his body.” – Darren ([23:01])

6. Getting Old, Injury Stories, & Men’s Health

[27:04–29:39]

• Brief detour into the toll of aging and athletic careers (John Cena and Hulk Hogan walking like old men, back pain, stretching routines).
• Sass swears by back stretching apps and “fascia guys,” while the others reminisce about aches and pains.

7. Men’s Folly: Self-Reliance and Home Repairs

[62:14–68:46, 68:46–70:46]

• Roan’s espresso machine disaster after a misguided DIY attempt at swapping out knobs.
• Parable about men learning (too late) to avoid brute-forcing repairs; destroying expensive machinery out of pride.
• Notable Quote: “If you’re trying to fix something... and it’s taking more than your natural strength to do it, where you need to get the other arm involved, it’s not the right thing to do.” – Darren ([66:42])

8. The Zendaya (“Z”) Bit & Hollywood’s Pay Gap

[47:14–49:00]

• Satirical examination of the trend of referring to Zendaya as “Z” online and fan weirdness.
• Comical outrage over movie cast salaries (Damon, Holland, Zendaya).
• Notable Quote: “People on Twitter call her Z. They're like, Z and Tom are so perfect together... That's so terrible.” – Sass & Darren ([47:39])

9. Wheelchair Tickets & Bit Comedy

[50:03–56:47]

• Extended story about team member Nate accidentally booking a wheelchair companion seat at the movies, leading to a classic workplace prank.
• Intern bugging out in a wheelchair, faux-guilt, great callback to cringe social situations.

10. Vacation & Upgrades: First Class Flying Ethics

[54:46–58:06]

• Banter about the ethics of first-class upgrades when traveling with significant others or family; who gets the seat, and who sacrifices.
• “I can’t be with somebody who insists on coming back to sit in coach. I want a winner.” – Roan ([57:56])

11. Philosophy on Life, Learning, and the Future

[71:52–72:46]

• Roan jokes about never wanting to learn anything new, wanting to "purge" his mind, and feeling full of life knowledge.
• Light existential musings about life cycles, building/destroying, and the futility of trying to hold on to skills or possessions.

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Memorable Quotes & Running Jokes

• “A father becomes a son, a son becomes a king.” – Roan satirizing social media style ([03:42])
• “Twitter's really got a real serious vibe to it.” – Darren ([03:48])
• “You're playing operator.” – Sass riffing on identity theater ([03:41])
• “I gave Leonardo DiCaprio a palace to fuck my wife.” – Sass ([10:16])
• On Taylor Swift's wedding: “I feel like if. If you're at MSG and you're picking strawberries off of a tree..., you’re probably like, this is pretty insane.” – Darren ([11:28])
• “How's a jit gonna come on heroin?” – Sass, during a wild Basketball Diaries tangent ([36:08])
• On celebrity plastic surgery: “Why does he have no buckle fat?” (various, [23:39–24:10])
• “You must be the strongest guy on earth.” – Roan’s espresso repair man, after Roan breaks an expensive machine trying to upgrade it himself ([65:54])

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Pop Culture Deep Dives

• Taylor Swift, Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, Tom Brady, Peyton & Eli Manning, Shaq, John Travolta, Kim Kardashian and multiple other celebrity pop culture figures are referenced as touchstones for America’s obsession with success, money, youth, and celebrity.
• Extended riffing on films and TV (Basketball Diaries, Kids, MacGruber, Interstellar, Oppenheimer, The Odyssey).
• Satirical asides on over-the-top movie theaters (4DX), Hollywood pay disparities, and online fandoms.

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Tone, Style & Structure

• The episode is conversational, fast-paced, and sardonic, thick with inside jokes, meta-commentary, and call-backs.
• “Education” comes in the form of ironic wisdom, with Roan and Sass (and occasionally Darren) dispensing ‘life lessons’ via stories of mild personal disaster.
• The trio uses the news and pop culture as foil for riffing on male anxiety, societal decline, and the search for meaning amid privilege.

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Timestamps to Key Segments

• AI Twitter/Bots Discussion: [03:16–06:05]
• Billionaires, Musk & Bezos: [06:05–13:35]
• Taylor Swift’s Wedding at MSG: [10:35–14:42]
• Tom Brady, Shaq, etc. – the Post-celebrity Hustle: [14:49–23:33]
• Celebrity Plastic Surgery ('buckle fat') Debates: [23:11–27:04]
• Aging/Stretching/Back Pain: [27:04–29:39]
• Roan’s Espresso Machine Disaster: [62:14–68:46]
• Zendaya as 'Z'/Movie Casting & Pay: [47:14–49:00]
• Nate's Wheelchair Prank Story: [50:03–56:47]
• First-Class Upgrade Debate: [54:46–58:06]
• Life Philosophy/Ending: [71:52–72:46]

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Closing Notes

This episode is a perfect encapsulation of Son of a Boy Dad’s tone: irreverent, self-effacing, full of absurd hypotheticals, and always ready to lampoon the pretensions of modern life and celebrity—while playfully admitting the hosts’ own foibles. It’s a hangout for listeners who love comedy that straddles the line between the existential and the ridiculous. If you’re looking for advice or answers, you’ll leave with more questions, but you’ll be laughing the whole time.

Transcript

[Sass]

Hey, son of a boy. Dad. Listeners, you can find every episode on Apple podcasts, Spotify or YouTube Prime. Members can listen ad free on Amazon Music.

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[Roan]

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[Sass]

Basically, it rewards a lot of the stuff that I'm already spending money on.

[Roan]

Anyway, to learn more about the Chase Sapphire Preferred card, go to chase.com Sapphire preferred that's chase.com Sapphire preferred cards issued by JP Morgan, Chase Bank NA member FDIC subject to credit approval Terms apply.

[Sass]

All right.

[Darren]

Ready?

[Roan]

Yep. Alrighty.

[Darren]

Welcome back to the Son of a Boy that podcast Today it is. What is this for Thursday? Yeah, it is Tuesday. It is 10:30am, July 28th. We are here live from HQ3. Welcome back. How we feeling, boys?

[Sass]

Some comedians cosplaying as podcasters.

[Darren]

Oh, yeah.

[Sass]

Founders cosplaying as operators.

[Darren]

There's a content creators doing one on

[Sass]

ones thinking they're pro, and the mayor cosplaying as president.

[Roan]

You know how I know?

[Sass]

You missed a good Kyle Kuzma.

[Darren]

You missed a great riff.

[Sass]

You know who Kyle Kuzma is? The basketball player?

[Roan]

Yeah, of course. Yeah.

[Darren]

He's tweeting AI.

[Sass]

He's been tweeting some heavy AI. Does that read his AI to you?

[Roan]

Mayor playing president. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah, he doesn't talk this way.

[Darren]

No one talks this way.

[Sass]

You're playing operator.

[Roan]

A father becomes a son, a son becomes a king.

[Darren]

Twitter's really got a real serious vibe to it.

[Roan]

No, this is making me think. Really, what it's making me think of is Maximus's speech to Commodus when he's like, father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife, commander of the armies of the north, and I will have my vengeance in this life of the next.

[Sass]

It's really. It makes me think of, like, Mufasa explaining the circle of life to Simba.

[Roan]

Yeah, this is weird. Why go there?

[Darren]

Because this is what it's like. You're not on Twitter anymore. This is what every tweet looks like.

[Roan]

Yeah. So, you know, people, like, you're not missing anything. People excoriated me for leaving Twitter, and they were like, you're just trying to, you know, avoid negative backlash to your work. You're so sensitive. It's like, no, I was trying to avoid poison of the world.

[Darren]

Yeah, yeah. Negative backlash to the world.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Sass]

People are just, like, tweeting to a cacophony of other AI bot accounts. Dude, it's dead accounts.

[Darren]

Nothing makes you feel more like, like, insane than like. Like reading a tweet, then reading a reply that. It doesn't make any sense. And then you're like, this conversation never happened. Like, this never. This never took place. You can go to robots.

[Sass]

You can go and see, like, how many accounts are dead that follow you. And, like, it's like, 60 or, like, 40% of the accounts are, like, dead accounts. So they're either AI or dormant accounts.

[Darren]

Yeah.

[Sass]

But Twitter continues to use them to and, like, populate them as numbers, and numbers will grow because all they care about is the bottom line. They don't care if it's a platform of all just AIs talking to each other. They just care about the number. The number being high.

[Darren]

I mean, I've googled it a couple times, but I think they claim that their percentage of users that are bots are like, is like 10%. And then it says that a lot of people speculate that it's closer to like 70 or 80%.

[Sass]

And then it's just. Kyle Kuzma. Yeah. That is.

[Darren]

There's no bro. You could go on. You could make a Twitter account for the first time. You would find out that it is more than 15% immediately every. Maybe it's not like full on bots that are running the accounts, but it's someone that's generating an AI, that's using an AI prompt, and then just copy and pasting right onto Twitter.

[Roan]

I finished the Elon Musk biography one week before he became the worst person in the world. And I remember that week where I was like, you know, elon Musk is saving the world. There is no more visionary leader. There is no more inventive guy. He's gonna solve all of our issues.

[Darren]

Yeah.

[Roan]

And then one week later, he was like, yeah, Hitler, Twitter. I'm gonna make it my weapon.

[Darren]

Yeah. I mean, he didn't even make it his weapon, though. He just killed it. He ruined it.

[Sass]

His biggest. His biggest thing we were just talking about before you came in, his, like, biggest fatal flaw is just wanting to be cool.

[Darren]

He doesn't like that. Did you see that interview clip of him being like, where the lady was like, a lot of people loathe you. And he was like, I think a lot of people actually love. They actually love me.

[Sass]

They love or loath. Because it's not loath. They love me. I just. He just never had to, like, do all this. Like, he never had to. He could have just kind of lived evilly and silent.

[Darren]

People thought he was cool when his only thing was, like, Tesla, the boring company.

[Sass]

He's like, I'm making rocket ships and, like, affordable, environmentally, like, friendly cars.

[Darren]

Yeah. And I. And I also make flamethrowers on the side.

[Roan]

You can't.

[Darren]

You can't really.

[Roan]

You can't really take away the success of his company. I mean, he's, of course.

[Darren]

Well, of course not. He's a trillionaire.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Darren]

But he lost $600 billion this week.

[Roan]

Yeah. And he probably doesn't care.

[Darren]

Well, no. Because it's not real money.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Sass]

But speculative stock price.

[Roan]

I saw him say that he regrets how he went to. He got too obsessed with politics.

[Sass]

Yeah. Because he probably. He doesn't realize, like, he doesn't have the part of his brain he's Brilliant. But he doesn't have the part of the brain that realizes what real consequences are to real actions because he's so removed from. From reality. Like. Like, politics is polarizing, Period.

[Darren]

Yeah. Yeah. It doesn't matter what stance you have.

[Roan]

What is it about becoming successful that just ultimately always makes you think, I should run for office?

[Darren]

I think people like, yeah, I think there's a big difference between, like, being successful and having that amount of money. I think getting to not even, like, a trillion dollars is. Obviously, you can't even comprehend how much money that is, but even a billion dollars. Like, I think to get to that level of money, you have to be, like, kind of like a narcissistic, like, bad person. Like, it's very. Like, you can't just work hard at your job and get that amount of money.

[Roan]

You don't think that. That it makes you that way having that.

[Darren]

I think it makes you that way, but I think it's also extremely difficult to get there without fudgeing over a ton of people.

[Roan]

Sure, I agree.

[Sass]

But I think that there's people who just get drunk with power, though. They're like, I did this. I can do anything. Like, Michael Bloomberg's like, billion, billion. Like, he has so much money. He's like, I'll be mayor of New York.

[Darren]

But I mean, like, in all honesty, though, like, if you. If you are able to acquire a billion dollars and have a billion dollars, you probably can be president. Like, I feel like those kind of

[Sass]

billionaires, bro, there's a lot of people who have a billion that's just like,

[Darren]

2000, but still America.

[Sass]

Oh, not all of them could be president. Like, I just think that, like, you get to a level where it's like, you're corny, and then you have to go back down one level, definitely.

[Darren]

Or you should just be rich and just not be in the public. Like, I don't understand. If you buy a trillion dollars, I wouldn't be on camera. Never.

[Sass]

That's the other thing we were saying is, like, that right before you walked in is that, like, Jeffrey Bezos is just, like, rich, but, like, silently evil and so he can just get away with it because there's, like, a way more like, annoying billionaire that's, like, prancing around in Elon Musk.

[Roan]

I suppose that's true, but he also has an incredibly visible wedding and takes over. Bezos took over Venice and spent, you know, $100 million or whatever. I don't mind that, though. That's what my billionaires should be doing.

[Sass]

100%.

[Darren]

Just, like, take over Venice.

[Roan]

Hey, I bought Paris for the night.

[Darren]

Yeah, that's what you should do. No one would care. I mean, people would care, but it's better than, like, the alternatives.

[Sass]

I gave Leonardo DiCaprio a palace to fuck my wife.

[Darren]

Yeah, great.

[Sass]

That's what it should be.

[Roan]

Exactly.

[Darren]

Glad you're using your money wisely.

[Roan]

Yeah, yeah, we can. We can all laugh at that a little.

[Darren]

Yeah, yeah. You know, yeah, like that's what it should be. It should be like absurd purchases and dumb things.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Darren]

You look at.

[Roan]

Taylor Swift rented out Madison Square Garden to have her wedding. Wow. She's got poor taste. That's the end of that.

[Darren]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Sass]

It's not like they said that there was real strawberries on the plants, though. Did you hear that?

[Roan]

No, no.

[Sass]

There were real strawberries on the plants at Taylor Swift's wedding at Madison Square Garden.

[Darren]

They were like. Someone just ripped strawberry plants.

[Sass]

Or you could like, put. You could pluck a strawberry off and eat it.

[Darren]

That's pretty sick.

[Roan]

I do like to do immigrant labor at weddings.

[Sass]

Yeah. There was a bog of cranberries at her wedding that you could. You could forage cranberries.

[Roan]

Your wide brim sun had some waiters. Your fake papers should ice arrive at any point.

[Sass]

She had a fake ice raid at her wedding. A stage ice raid where they could all cosplay.

[Roan]

I mean, where are the caterers?

[Darren]

I feel like if. If you're at MSG and you're picking strawberries off of a tree or whatever the fuck, you're probably like, this is pretty insane.

[Roan]

I wonder.

[Sass]

I never.

[Darren]

I never thought I would be going apple picking at msg.

[Roan]

Yeah, yeah. See it at the New York Convention Center Avenue.

[Darren]

But I. I wonder what it looked like in there.

[Sass]

Of course, bro. Welcome to America. We all do.

[Roan]

I don't.

[Darren]

I do.

[Roan]

I just picture folding chairs and cold concrete floors.

[Darren]

Got to be freezing.

[Roan]

And I know that's not what they did. They turned it into a greenhouse probably,

[Darren]

or some thousand seats.

[Roan]

That's my point, though. Like, there's no way to not make that feel like you're cozy and warm and romantic and non sterile. It just is too. It's too corporate of a space.

[Darren]

Maybe it's just because, like, she's been doing arenas forever.

[Sass]

That's the only thing maybe, like, she feels at home.

[Roan]

That's her coffee cellar.

[Darren]

Yeah, right.

[Sass]

I see the only safe space. She's like, the ceilings are a little high.

[Darren]

Yeah.

[Sass]

You could have them lowered.

[Darren]

Can we reconstruct MSG for the wedding?

[Roan]

Look, at us doing a new episode and talking about something that happened weeks ago.

[Darren]

That was like a month ago. But we never talked about.

[Roan]

Finally have time to reflect. We wanted to hold our thoughts.

[Sass]

But it is. I mean, like, if she wanted the. An orchard vibe to her wedding, like, who wouldn't go to an orchard for Taylor Swift?

[Darren]

I don't. Yeah, that's what I don't understand. Like, if that was the vibe, like, why not just do it outside? Go. Why don't you just go 45 minutes from New York City.

[Roan]

We've also forgotten about that whole thing where she paid those. That couple in Rhode island for their wedding venue because they had booked it.

[Darren]

Yeah.

[Roan]

And she, like, said, I'll give you double whatever you paid for your wedding and fund your whole wedding so that we can have it. And then didn't have it there.

[Darren]

That's crazy.

[Sass]

Travis was like, I don't know, babe. I like stadiums.

[Darren]

Yeah.

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Darren]

I'm kind of more of an msg.

[Sass]

Okay, babe, whatever you want. Yeah, I know.

[Darren]

We were thinking a church, but I'm thinking the most famous arena in America.

[Sass]

Listen, I want to do Arrowhead Orchard. Let's compromise at msg.

[Darren]

Arrowhead would be insane.

[Roan]

What's the one arena. What's the arena that has garden in the name? Okay.

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Roan]

This only makes sense, right?

[Sass]

Anybody would have gone anywhere for this wedding.

[Roan]

Obviously, that's not the only arena that has garden in the name, but it's.

[Sass]

There's only like, two.

[Darren]

It is kind of a convenient spot, though. You got to think if there are a lot of people flying in.

[Sass]

But. But you just. Bezos had. Had Emma had a Leo in a chair in Florence or whatever.

[Roan]

Venice.

[Darren]

Yeah, but you think Leo was happy about that?

[Sass]

Of course.

[Darren]

He'd rather be in New York. No, dude, the amount of people that probably went in New York and just flew out 30 minutes after the ceremony,

[Sass]

you don't think that there was the party of the century after that?

[Darren]

You didn't see Brady leaving halfway through?

[Sass]

Brady left early.

[Darren]

He left the party of the century. Brady's not leaving.

[Sass]

Brady is definitely leaving, bro. Brady's going to, like, go play grab ass with Jake, Paul or some gay.

[Darren]

Yeah. Why is he doing that?

[Roan]

Okay, I'm glad you asked this again.

[Darren]

We're weighing in because you guys probably talked about it.

[Roan]

Me and Tom.

[Darren]

Yeah, yeah.

[Roan]

No, Tom and I didn't. We didn't. I know. I know what to talk about.

[Darren]

Yeah, yeah.

[Roan]

Tv. But I had this thought, which was that people have been asking, like, why is Tom Brady doing this. Why is he delegitimizing his legacy and his career? And I agree to that. Would that take to some degree. My theory on why he continues to appear in every single commercial he can possibly get his hands on and to do these gimmicky things. My theory, in his defense is that he has come to the conclusion that it is so easy for him to make money in his post career.

[Darren]

Yeah.

[Roan]

At a. In a. In a magnitude that is, you know, unheard of.

[Darren]

He's probably making more money now than

[Roan]

he was in the NFL that he's just printing money such that future generations of his family will not have the ease that he has of making this money. So he might as well continue to amass this pile because for him to spend five minutes doing a commercial, at some point, three generations of Brady's from now are going to be back to, yeah. Gas stations and school teachers or something. And for that guy, hey, here's the $50 million I made from doing a call sheet commercial or whatever for an hour of work.

[Sass]

He probably has it on something where it's like, yeah, I'll come and I'll film for an hour.

[Roan]

Great grandpapa.

[Darren]

That.

[Roan]

That's my, My, my one theory.

[Darren]

No, I mean, that's definitely what it is. Like, there's, it's. There's money to be looking out for his jits. Yeah.

[Roan]

Maybe that. That is the way. In his defense, the other, more cynical version is that he's just like, can't stop. And it's just like doing it for himself.

[Darren]

I just don't really get, like a ton of money from Fox. Isn't he like $300 million?

[Roan]

This is my point. Everyone's like, why does he need more? Why would he accept that commercial? Why would he do this thing when he's cl. Got all the money in the world? And my thought is that like 375 mil. It's. Yeah. My thought is that he's thinking of like great, great, great grandchildren who, I

[Darren]

mean, he must be thinking of like.

[Sass]

Oh, but sass, what you're not realizing, bro, that's 375 mil over 10 years. And that's 375. And you're forgetting. So that's 18. That's eight. Yeah.

[Darren]

I mean, that breaks down to about a million.

[Sass]

So he has to give half to Giselle.

[Darren]

No, no, he's not giving Giselle.

[Sass]

And then you think, agent, that's 10. Manager, 10%.

[Darren]

If I'm Tom Brady, all those people are getting fired. Why do you have an agent or A manager.

[Sass]

If you're Tom Brady, he's down to like $5.6 million off of that contract that he's actually seeing.

[Roan]

Which when you whittle that down through three generations of grifters.

[Sass]

Think about mortgage. You're forgetting about mortgage. Hit to buy his parents a house.

[Roan]

All that, all that ends up being for that janitor great, great, great grandson of his is like, you know, maybe a tank of gas.

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Darren]

This is, I mean, bro, the $37.5 million a year to call one game a week.

[Sass]

Yeah. But in, in 2032, that is not going to be any.

[Darren]

No, no, that's not.

[Sass]

That's going to be.

[Roan]

It's not 2032. What about 2164?

[Darren]

Yeah.

[Sass]

2164.

[Roan]

Which isn't my pin.

[Darren]

That's pennies.

[Sass]

The last four. Francis's social.

[Roan]

No way. Is that the security code for my debit card.

[Darren]

I have. I have no problem with Tom Brady doing the Logan Paul stuff. Like, whatever. It's corny. Who cares? Wwe, it's always like going to be like that. I think it's like, if he wants to do it, who cares?

[Sass]

I bet his jits just like fucking. I bet his jits just like wrestling.

[Darren]

Definitely.

[Roan]

It's not always going to be like that. Peyton and Eli did the right thing. They joined every golf club in America.

[Darren]

Yeah, no, I know. I'm saying, like, that's what the WWE is like.

[Roan]

Oh, I see.

[Darren]

Like with like the build ups, the storylines, whatever. But yeah, I mean, I will. I think the commercials, like, maybe like, let's skip a couple, you know, save the legacy. Skip a couple.

[Roan]

We've moved past this era of saying that celebrities who do commercial endorsements are selling their souls.

[Darren]

I don't think he's selling his soul. I just think it's annoying.

[Sass]

I don't care about that. Him. People get so annoyed by like Jason Kelsey too. It's like, I think Tom Brady, Jason Kelsey, they have like a window. Same with Peyton Manning. Peyton Manning had like years where it's like he was in everything and like,

[Darren]

yeah, he was doing like, he was doing like Levi commercials and like cool commercials.

[Sass]

Well, he's just funny. Like, he made it cool because he was funny like the other. Those other two dudes are just like, yeah, they'll have a couple years and then like someone else loud with a beard will get like, will retire. And it's like, okay, now you're that person.

[Darren]

But like Jason Kelsey even makes more sense to me than Tom Brady. Like Jason Kelsey kind of hit his peak notability when he retired.

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Darren]

So then all of a sudden all the commercials start rolling in and it's like he probably like, has to take the. Like, why would you. I think you're just not to.

[Sass]

You're just running into the fallacy that anybody ever thinks that they have enough. Yeah, nobody ever thinks they.

[Roan]

They never think they have enough.

[Darren]

Like, he's Tom Brady's, like, hard to look at now.

[Roan]

They never think they have enough. And it's not as if these guys are like. My assumption is they're not missing their kids soccer games because of an icy hot commercial.

[Darren]

No, no, I don't think so either.

[Sass]

They're missing their kids soccer games because they don't like their kids.

[Darren]

Yeah, they don't want to be there

[Roan]

because their kids continue to expect handouts.

[Darren]

Yeah, exactly.

[Roan]

Yeah. But it's like, you know, you see shaq do an AC hot commercial and you're like, dude, you're 60 degree, 60 years old, make plenty of money from inside the NBA. Like you have whatever, all this. You, you know, you, you're, you're franchised up the wazoo. Why are you doing that? And I think again, another assumption is just that it's not as much time as we think.

[Darren]

What do you mean? Like doing all that stuff?

[Roan]

I don't think that the work. I don't think Shaq is working harder now than he was in his playing.

[Darren]

No, definitely not.

[Roan]

Maybe call it 15 hours of work a week, five of which is shooting a commercial that pays him 2 million bucks. Yeah, it's not that big of a deal.

[Sass]

Like, he's not spending on days. Days on set with the General. Yeah, like working out his lines with the general.

[Roan]

Right.

[Sass]

He's like, he's, he's in a green screen studio and he looks cross eyed at the camera for 10 seconds. Yeah, they just give him his fucking 100 mil maybe.

[Roan]

I really look at Tom Brady and you're like, why doesn't he pass up on that commercial? And it's like, because it doesn't. It's not much. Like, what else is he gonna do?

[Darren]

Yeah, he's got nothing else to do. There's no point.

[Sass]

Except for Jeff Bezos's wife.

[Darren]

Jeff Bezos's wife get his buccal fat removed even more.

[Roan]

His what? Fat.

[Sass]

Buccal fat. He has no Bugle fat.

[Darren]

Dude, I didn't say buccal.

[Sass]

Isn't that what it is? Is it, is it Bugle or Buckle?

[Darren]

I thought it was Bugle.

[Roan]

It's Bugle.

[Darren]

That's what it said.

[Sass]

It's definitely not bugle. Bugle fat.

[Darren]

Buccal.

[Sass]

Buccal or buckle.

[Darren]

It's buccal fat.

[Sass]

It is not buccal.

[Darren]

It's either buckle or it's 1000% not buckle.

[Roan]

It's actually Bacall.

[Sass]

Buckle.

[Roan]

Charles Bacall.

[Darren]

It's buckle. What?

[Sass]

Yes.

[Darren]

No, don't ever try to. I've never heard anyone say that, ever.

[Roan]

Buckle.

[Darren]

Have you? Is that how you would have said it?

[Roan]

I've never heard this word in my life.

[Darren]

Really.

[Roan]

So I'm just trying to muddy the

[Darren]

water because you don't have to get. You don't got it.

[Roan]

I would have thought buccal fat was waste fat, where you have to unbuckle your pants a little more.

[Sass]

I thought it was buccal for a few years and then I went to a place that gave me an inside

[Darren]

the mouth massage and they said, buckle

[Sass]

fucking in my cheek.

[Darren]

That's crazy. I do.

[Sass]

I swear.

[Darren]

I feel like everyone pronounces it as. I know. As buzz.

[Sass]

I know. And this Asian lady was in my mouth.

[Roan]

I don't.

[Darren]

I'm willing to admit I'm wrong, but I feel like that's like, not uncommon to pronounce that way.

[Sass]

Like, this is revelatory. This is big news, Darren. Revelatory.

[Darren]

Well, regardless, Tom Brady looks like his buckle fat was vacuum sealed out of his body.

[Sass]

Yeah. He looks like he's about to pop out of a standing coffin at a fucking, like, night terror show.

[Darren]

Yeah. I just don't know why he did all that.

[Roan]

He looks like someone stuck a vacuum around his lips.

[Darren]

Yeah, he's gone.

[Roan]

Sucked all the air out of his mouth.

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Darren]

I don't understand that way. How many times do people have to see celebrities get a bunch of work done and it looks bad? Like, what is it? What happens when that, like. Because Tom Brady going. Thinking, like, I'm going to be the one that gets it right.

[Roan]

Many of them do. They have the best plastic surgeon respect

[Sass]

on the Kardashian Jenner family, but a

[Darren]

lot of them are, like, mangled.

[Sass]

None of them are, bro. They're. Their plastic surgeon is Michelangelo. No, dude, it is. Who. Who's. Which one of them is mangled? And then pull up a recent picture of them.

[Darren]

Kendall, Chloe, even their.

[Sass]

Their. The mom is the mom.

[Roan]

Looks like you're just naming them. You don't even believe what you're saying. Just listing them.

[Darren]

The mom.

[Sass]

Doctor.

[Roan]

The mom is the one who did the best. Everyone raved about the work that she

[Sass]

had so young Right now, the mom is popping her and she's currently working with Kylie on.

[Darren]

On her implants.

[Roan]

I would say that Kim Kardashian is basically funding a. A Benjamin Button lifestyle, but you wouldn't understand that. And I don't want to unpack that again.

[Darren]

I don't understand that at all.

[Sass]

70 years old. She got it. But, like, what.

[Darren]

What's the point? Like, what's the point of this? Like, so you're 70 and you look like you're 40. So what? Like, now what?

[Sass]

So she wants to look hot. Women can't want to look hot.

[Roan]

Jesus Christ, dude, when you're 70, you're going to want to look 90.

[Darren]

When I'm 70, I want to look 70.

[Roan]

I don't think so. You say that now just because your whole life you've been trying to look 70.

[Darren]

But like, what?

[Roan]

Like what?

[Darren]

So, like, what is what happens when she goes out? Like, she goes out with her friends, pretty cool. Look like they're supposed to be in fucking nursing homes.

[Roan]

All of her friends are doing this shit too. She only hangs out with people that are.

[Darren]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Part of the tribe.

[Darren]

I just feel like it's like. It's more like. Like, confusing, you know? A guy I like. What's his name? Travolta. That fucking lunatic.

[Roan]

Yeah. Some people get it wrong, but Travolta also went under the knife at a time when that was. It was too soon.

[Darren]

Travolta's like 95 and he looks like he's 30 years old.

[Roan]

No, I think he looks. I think he looks wrong.

[Darren]

He looks wrong, but he doesn't look how old he is.

[Sass]

Oh, I think he. I mean,

[Darren]

bro, he's like. He's literally like 75.

[Sass]

The picture.

[Roan]

Actually, he doesn't look as bad as I thought. The bald look is a good look for him.

[Sass]

But the.

[Darren]

But the Berets, he's 72.

[Sass]

He's. He's who Jack Harlow was making the album for

[Darren]

the Soul Brothers.

[Sass]

All I want to do is spend some time alone with you.

[Darren]

I just don't get, like, what's his goal here? Like, so, like, he looks like, as

[Sass]

young as possible and his version of handsome.

[Darren]

He looks like he should be on, like, Kick.

[Sass]

Yeah, but look at them.

[Darren]

You should be live streaming on Kick.

[Sass]

Look at the movie. Like, look how old Greece is, bro. Look how. Look, like that's like an old time. They didn't even have, like, the cameras that. That was filmed on were probably like, hand crank cameras. Like, that's. That's an old. That's an old person.

[Darren]

I'm just.

[Sass]

Okay.

[Darren]

I don't want to. I'm gonna say it. Dying in this fashion has to be a tough way to die. Like when people see you leaving a pretty. Oh, my God. He was just a boy.

[Sass]

Only the good die young.

[Darren]

He was just a kid.

[Roan]

Gone too soon. Gone too soon.

[Darren]

What if he falls down? If he's. If you're walking down the street and he falls down in front of you, I'm going around.

[Sass]

Why?

[Roan]

Oh, you're not helping him. Because you're like, kids need to learn how to fall.

[Darren]

Yeah, you can get up yourself.

[Sass]

He'll bounce right back up.

[Darren]

No one knows. There's an 80 year old man in there screaming for help, begging for help,

[Sass]

dude. Meanwhile, did you guys see the pic of John Cena Laugh walking this week? No, I don't pull that up. People are like, john Cena is walking like he's 85 years old.

[Darren]

Really?

[Roan]

I watched that Hulk Hogan documentary. And the wear and tear on the bodies of wrestlers is something I would not wish on my worst enemy.

[Darren]

Yeah, yeah, they get up really bad.

[Sass]

That guy, Brian Johnson was. He said he's learning the dunk and he said that like when you land from a dunk. Oh, poor guy.

[Roan]

Dude, I've. I know this. That's lower back pain. Yeah, I know that feeling. I feel that way every morning.

[Darren]

Got him smooshed in the back of the car like that.

[Sass]

That wasn't even the one I was talking about.

[Darren]

Oh, man.

[Sass]

Poor guy.

[Roan]

Yeah, he's in a. Yeah, that's really bad. And I know that feeling. And there's really. I've been talking to Roan about it. Roan sent me a lower back workout. His stretching thing, it's the hardest thing I've ever done in my whole life and I've gone through divorce. Not compared to the 12 minute hell thing he sent me.

[Darren]

What's the workout?

[Sass]

It's like a 12 minute. It's like a lower back. I mean, it's just a lot of like standing with like a kind of pronated lunge and you. It's like a movement of like your arms meant to kind of correct the, like the psoas and the.

[Roan]

You basically do. You stand at 45 degrees and you put all of the tension in your world into a 3 inch area in your lower back muscles that have never been worked before.

[Sass]

Can you just show what.

[Darren]

Does it feel good?

[Roan]

It's this. It's like going like that for like 12 minutes.

[Sass]

Really.

[Roan]

Basically doing crunches for your lower back. At an angle where you're like. After three minutes, I was like, no more.

[Sass]

But. But like, if you go to the like comments of that video, it's like an evangelist church. Like, it's like people who are like, Jesus saved my life.

[Darren]

Oh yeah.

[Sass]

Like there's, it's. They completely fundamentally change lives.

[Darren]

Has that done more for you than the stretching.

[Sass]

Stretching app is my 1A. The Bend app is my 1A. But that's like that, that was a. There was a time in my life where that was huge for me.

[Roan]

My problem is that I. There's probably a hundred things like that that I'm not doing, which I should do all of them and I don't know which to choose. I'm not gonna do them all. In fact, I might not do any.

[Darren]

Yeah, it's sometimes easier just to do none.

[Sass]

I just got a fascia guy.

[Roan]

You did?

[Sass]

Yeah. I gotta, I gotta give you my fascia guy. I haven't even gone to him yet.

[Darren]

What's your fascia guy?

[Sass]

Fascia is like, it's like a network that like goes through your whole body that's like linked up. And these people go in and like break it up. They like knuckle you and like that.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Sass]

But they say it fixes everything.

[Roan]

That's how they start. And then they foment regime change and lose privacy.

[Sass]

Well, they just love like government and like, like a heavy handed police state.

[Roan]

Right.

[Sass]

Where everybody kind of has to agree with the leader.

[Darren]

That sounds like kind of like a chiropractor. Like they're just fudgeing you up and then you have to go back. I think that this is attention relieved again.

[Sass]

I think this is safer than a chiropractor because they're not, not like messing with anything structural like your spine, but they like, like they'll go in and like your foot. You know what I mean? Or like your ankle or something like that.

[Darren]

Yeah.

[Sass]

I don't know.

[Darren]

I. I feel like that that has to have gone wrong at some point. Like the, the getting the. When they put the towel around your neck and they rip your head off.

[Sass]

Dude, I, I knew. I know a guy that got. Had a stroke when they, they did that.

[Roan]

Really?

[Sass]

He got paralyzed. He had a stroke? No, I swear to God. I was on a bachelor party at the famous ass bachelor party. I went on and there was a guy on it who like he, he got his neck cracked. They broke an artery and he had a stroke. Yes.

[Darren]

Oh my God.

[Sass]

Like standard readjustment at a chiropractor.

[Darren]

Oh my God. Imagine being the chiropractor.

[Sass]

Oh.

[Darren]

Oh, he's dead.

[Sass]

He's dead. Run.

[Darren]

Help.

[Roan]

I don't know what happened.

[Sass]

It's your own practice.

[Darren]

His head's just sitting on the ground.

[Roan]

Fuck.

[Darren]

Fuck.

[Roan]

Have you seen MacGruber?

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

What?

[Roan]

Have you seen MacGruber?

[Darren]

No. No, I've never even heard of it.

[Sass]

The movie with MacGruber will forte.

[Roan]

You would love MacGruber. One point, he assembles this crack squad of guys, like former Navy Seals and whatever, to do his, like, mission with him. And he loads up this van filled with C4 explosives.

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Roan]

That they're going to take. And all his guys are sitting in the van and he's like, I got the best team in a van. I got all the C4 in the world. And it explodes and like, sky high. And he runs over and he's like, no, no, no, no. Guys, guys. Somebody call nine.

[Darren]

One.

[Roan]

One thing is, like, obliterated.

[Darren]

I gotta watch that Gruber. Saturday Night Live.

[Sass]

That has to be one of the last Saturday Night Live sketches that got made into a film. Oh.

[Roan]

Oh, it was.

[Darren]

It was one of those.

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Darren]

Who's in it? Is that David Spade?

[Roan]

Will Forte, Kristen Wiig? I mean, dude, it. Ryan Felipe is in it. A lot of sort of SNL type people. Oh, Val Kilmer's the bad guy. His name is Kunth. Dieter von Kanth, I think, or something like that. It's pretty funny. Maya Rudolph. Dude, It's a very funny movie actually. There's parts of it that are so fucking funny. Yeah. Give this a whirl.

[Sass]

Amari Stoudemire. Wow.

[Darren]

Yeah, I'm gonna have to watch that. Gonna have to give that a go.

[Roan]

What happens when you lock 18 co workers in an office for one week to compete for a quarter million dollars of cash? This is Surviving Barstool Season 5, presented by Rumble Premium. Each episode released three hours early, so get it ad free before anyone else. Only when you join Rumble Premium. Surviving barstool premieres Sunday, August 9th at 5pm on Rumble Premium and everywhere else at 8pm man, what are we to talk about?

[Sass]

Just hanging with the bros. Stop.

[Darren]

I'm off the kush.

[Roan]

Day two.

[Darren]

Day two, no kush.

[Roan]

You texted us though, last night. That was very funny. That made me laugh quite hard. It's night two and he goes, guys, I'm going to bed. And then you. Poster of war.

[Darren]

Is that photo of the soldier?

[Sass]

Yeah. The big eyes.

[Roan]

Yeah. Leonardo DiCaprio in the basketball Diaries.

[Darren]

That's what Poe sent me.

[Roan]

Oh, really? That's the best acting of withdrawal that I've ever seen.

[Darren]

Did you ever see Beautiful Boy? Yeah, that was pretty good, too.

[Sass]

Train spotting. No, you and McGregor and withdrawal. It's pretty sick.

[Darren]

Basketball Diaries is pretty up.

[Roan]

It's so bad.

[Darren]

Yeah.

[Sass]

Is that Harmony Corinne? Who directed that?

[Roan]

I don't know.

[Darren]

It's like all those, like, super young. It's like super young Mark Wahlberg when he's super young.

[Sass]

I just tried to watch that Harmony Corinne movie, kids, and you cannot find it anywhere.

[Roan]

I never heard of Harmony Corinne.

[Sass]

Oh, no, it's a Scott Calvert. Okay.

[Roan]

Oh, that's different from.

[Sass]

Different guy, different person.

[Darren]

I watched that movie on my phone.

[Sass]

Kids.

[Darren]

No. Basketball Diaries when I was in sixth grade, I think, and I think I had nightmares for like a year.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Sass]

That should have had a different name, bro.

[Darren]

It wasn't even available. Like, I had to watch it on, like, an illegal website. Like, you could not find the movie when I watched it.

[Sass]

Yeah, that's too. It's too sweet of a name. It's not about diary. Basketball.

[Darren]

Literally.

[Roan]

There's like, one was a great movie, right?

[Sass]

Or Princess Diaries, which was a great movie.

[Roan]

Yeah. What is love and basketball? Think Princess Diaries meets. What's the Basketball Diaries? The comp.

[Darren]

It's just such a fucked up movie.

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Darren]

Great movie, though.

[Sass]

You think Anne Hathaway is about to be in it? She's not.

[Darren]

She ain't it. You think it's going to be about basketball? Nope. There's one basketball scene.

[Roan]

One scene where they take the uppers or the down. Yeah.

[Darren]

And then, like, their coach sucks them all off in the bathroom.

[Sass]

That. That happens.

[Darren]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Forgot about that.

[Darren]

Yeah. No, they really hit everything. There's a school shooting. I mean, they hit everything.

[Sass]

The coach sucks them off while they're on heroin.

[Darren]

Like. Like just Leo for exchange. In exchange for money.

[Sass]

That would take forever.

[Roan]

Oh, yeah, I remember that.

[Darren]

Yeah.

[Roan]

That was my favorite scene.

[Darren]

That was like, right before he goes homeless.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Darren]

And he's out on the streets.

[Sass]

How's a jit gonna come on? Heroin?

[Roan]

This jit thing? I've never heard of this. What is a jet?

[Sass]

A child.

[Darren]

Whatever you want it to be.

[Roan]

Oh, it's a child.

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Yeah. Oh, it's.

[Sass]

I mean, your jit is really your sperm. But like that, your jit turns into your. A child. A jit. That's what. Yeah. Jay Wells always thrown around.

[Darren]

Oh, yeah. Not surprised. Jay Will didn't know Lindsey Graham was gay. Did you know that?

[Roan]

That he didn't know that.

[Darren]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Or that Lindsey Graham was gay either.

[Darren]

Or I Guess none of us really knew that.

[Roan]

I think I knew that Lindsey Graham was gay. Gay. Wait, is that the guy that has the lisp?

[Darren]

He's dead. He died.

[Roan]

I knew that. But he was like.

[Sass]

He looked like a Chucky doll. He had. He was all buckled.

[Darren]

Twink death.

[Sass]

He had so much buckle fat and twink death. Well, did that.

[Roan]

Well, Lindsey Graham.

[Sass]

Sass was telling us that this dude, he was 72 or something gay. $1.6 million.

[Roan]

I don't think I knew that Lindsey Graham was gay. I'm thinking of a different guy. An older congressman or senator, but a guy who I think was a Democrat who was openly gay.

[Darren]

He's probably gay too. Yeah, most of them.

[Sass]

They're all gay.

[Darren]

They're all gay in there. I don't even think they're gay. They're just. They're just. They just want to fuck anything.

[Sass]

Oh, I think that they're gay. I think that to be gay, I mean. Yeah, they can't put the dick down. Like, everything would be better in his life if he couldn't. If he didn't have. Have the dick in it. And he still goes for the dick.

[Darren]

He said to the extent that this is in 2018. He said, to the extent that it matters, I'm not gay. What is that?

[Sass]

I don't consider myself gay. Yeah, sure, I'll suck a dick.

[Darren]

Yeah. That's the gayest way. Like, that's pretty much coming out, saying that.

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Darren]

To. To. To the extent that it matters. I'm not gay.

[Sass]

Now, the parts that don't matter.

[Roan]

Sure.

[Sass]

Of course I am.

[Roan]

When I'm off the clock, take a.

[Darren]

That's pretty much what it means. It means, like, in politics, I'm straight.

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Darren]

Like, but outside of politics.

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Darren]

Yeah.

[Sass]

Between my. The walls of my bedroom. That's. That's international waters. But he's. He died. And there was a. Like a. I think allegedly a young man with him when he passed away. That's what's been alleged. But then Sass comes in this morning and he's telling some story that there's a chance that Lindsey Graham was overseas and he got blown up and that he. That he was.

[Darren]

I'm not. I don't know enough about it to, like, be saying, like. I don't actually know if that's true, but that's what. That. That was what people were speculating when he died because he was a big

[Sass]

proponent of the bombings in Iran and that he's. He has. He's intricately intertwined with our foreign policy. So maybe he was over there and maybe he blew up. But that. That really raised the question of, like, is. Is him being gay a cover up for him? Getting blown to Smith for me getting exploded? That they'd rather be like, oh, no, no, he was just. He was gay.

[Darren]

Yeah. He wasn't in Little Kevin Spacey.

[Roan]

The Kevin Spacey? Yeah.

[Sass]

He wasn't in Iran.

[Darren]

No, I didn't get shot in the head with a missile. I'm gay.

[Roan]

That is funny.

[Sass]

Reap what I sowed in a foreign conflict.

[Roan]

No, no, nothing. Nobody' over in. In Iran. But did you hear that Lindsey Graham has been rubbing his nipples to choir boys? He's got a calendar of.

[Sass]

Yeah, that's studs.

[Darren]

That's. That's what people were thinking. And then the gay rumors and then they. What? But then they ended up showing him getting, like, wheeled out of his house. But they never actually showed him. Right. They just showed a body.

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Darren]

That could have been one of his twinks.

[Sass]

Yeah. I just saw. Yeah. A line of sad boys mourning.

[Roan]

You could actually see the seams where they had sewn his skin together from all the disparate chunks they assembled. They had a master puzzle maker come

[Darren]

in, overnight him back to the US

[Roan]

but the one is destroyed by his

[Sass]

arm was beyond repair, so they had to get a local Iranian man's arm. So it was a little tanned. His left arm is a little bit.

[Roan]

If you look at it, the thumb is in the same place on both arms. They only had two left arms.

[Sass]

That's.

[Roan]

That was the big tell.

[Sass]

They had a. They were flush with thumbs at the Oregon farm.

[Darren]

Yeah, there was a. They released some video of him yesterday talking about, like, the bombings or the US Attacking Iran. It was pretty crazy. Just like some super long interview of, like, him in his office just talking about it.

[Sass]

Can you. Can you pull up an image of him that does make me think that it's less likely that he was gay? Because if he was gay, you'd think that he'd have his bul fat taken care of.

[Roan]

True.

[Sass]

You know, maybe he didn't have enough money for it, but that's a guy rich in buccal fat, where it's like, if he had the Tom Brady jaw, you know, I think that he'd be more respected and seen as a straight center.

[Darren]

But do you think he's playing like, he could have been playing straight with the buccal fat?

[Sass]

Oh, she straps on buccal fat with the buckle fat. Yeah, he puts buckle fat on his face every. Every morning like a Clown. Like, clown makeup?

[Darren]

Yeah, exactly. It's like that. You watch the Aaron Hernandez documentary?

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Darren]

There's, like, the gay. The one gay NFL dude was talking about, like, how he was super fat in the NFL because he didn't want people to know he was gay. Oh, it was, like, with an interview of a guy that was in the NFL that actually, like, not Aaron Hernandez, like, an actual gay guy in the NFL.

[Roan]

Michael Sam or Carl. Carl Nassib.

[Darren]

I don't know. I don't remember.

[Sass]

Because there's only been three.

[Darren]

Yeah, there's definitely been more. Only three confirmed.

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Darren]

Is Hernandez. Is it Hernandez the third or no?

[Sass]

Yeah. Yeah, Hernandez.

[Darren]

See, I don't even think that counts.

[Sass]

You think that he's gay, like Lindsey Graham, like, to anybody ask.

[Darren]

Yeah, to the extent that it matters. To the extent in which it matters. I don't think Aaron Hernandez is gay.

[Roan]

Yes, Aaron, our star tight end, did execute a man, however, he was gay, which is the bigger story.

[Sass]

I don't even cover it up.

[Darren]

I feel like it's, like, it's.

[Sass]

It's the Hernandez playbook that they're running with Lindsey Graham.

[Darren]

They mean they, bro. They had one dude that his friends were there in Hernandez in, like, middle school, being like, yeah, he was gay. He was gay. We were gay together back in eighth grade.

[Sass]

Why would that. Why would they lie about that, though? If you died, there's. There'd be no one. No one would come out of the woodwork and be like, yeah, me and Sass were sucking each other off and. But under the jungle gym in sixth grade.

[Roan]

No.

[Darren]

What do you mean? That's what everyone does. What? They all. That's why all Lindsey Graham's twinks came out of the closet and were like, we all Lindsey Graham once he died.

[Sass]

No, that was. That was known before he was dead. Why would he. Why did he have to answer that in 2018?

[Darren]

I don't think so. He denied it in 2018 for me.

[Sass]

Put it all to bed.

[Darren]

From 2018 on, I've been operating under the assumption that Lindsey Graham is a straight man. And now, right when he dies, everyone tries to tarnish his image.

[Roan]

I mean, look, is it too much to ask at least in my life, that I will die, you know, surrounded by a group of young, hot men jerking me off into a quiet into

[Sass]

Valhalla, jerking my dick into Valhalla?

[Darren]

We've got the watch. Don't worry, Graham. We've got the watch.

[Sass]

See you in Valhalla, brother.

[Darren]

Valhalla, brother.

[Sass]

Crossing the river sticks. But instead of, like, the souls of all the dead. It's just the souls of your unborn kids because it's so cummy. The cummy river sticks. God. Have you guys seen the Odyssey?

[Darren]

No, I haven't.

[Sass]

Speaking of the river sticks, I really

[Darren]

want to see it. And I'm gonna see it, I think this week or next week. But I, I, I've. I was gonna see. I wanted to see it in the 70. The IMAX. Yeah, I wanted to see it in that just because, like, everyone talks about how much better it is and how you're missing, like, half the movie if you don't see it in that. But then I'll say a tweet. Tweet. Stumbled upon my timeline yesterday of someone seeing it in 4Dx, and I think I might have to see it in 4Ds.

[Sass]

I saw that too. It looks great. You're on a boat. You're literally pitching.

[Roan]

What is 4DS, bro?

[Darren]

You leave wet, you leave the theater soaked. Oh, like they're on a boat in the clip. Like, you got it. Look at this.

[Roan]

I'm pretty sure.

[Darren]

Look at this shit, bro. And this is just at a theater. Wait. You gotta wait till the mists comes on.

[Roan]

Oh, my God.

[Darren]

They start spraying mist.

[Sass]

How much water do they have? And where is it?

[Darren]

Where the buckets have water. They have those. Like, the theater right by my apartment has one of those.

[Roan]

What happens if you get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the movie?

[Sass]

You better lash yourself to the mast,

[Roan]

start falling over like John Travolta.

[Darren]

You piss off the side of the boat.

[Roan]

Yeah. Throw up. Bring me the bucket. He's not got his sea legs under him.

[Sass]

Do you think that that's like, regular AMC employees with, like, a bucket of water?

[Darren]

Oh, yeah.

[Sass]

Like fucking Dasani in a pipe popcorn bucket.

[Darren]

I bet that's their only thing. Like, it's 40x, but I bet that they just. They showed everything they had in that one clip.

[Sass]

Yeah, for sure.

[Darren]

Is the water and the chairs move.

[Roan]

I thought 4dx was the active ingredient in the ayahuasca, but no, I would

[Darren]

definitely see it in that. I think that would be pretty cool, to be honest.

[Sass]

Yeah. That's one movie I have to see. A lot of people have been worried about the spoilers for it.

[Darren]

I don't think the movie.

[Roan]

Tell me you're not familiar with Greek mythology without telling me you're out, right?

[Sass]

Exactly, bro. This is. This is Homer, bro. This shit is fucking 5,000 years old.

[Darren]

Yeah, I sent that clip to Beau yesterday, and he was like, it sucks that you already saw spoilers just from that. And I was like, bro, I don't know what the movie's even about.

[Sass]

Some kind of.

[Darren]

It's hard to spoil.

[Roan]

There's no way to spoil any of it. You could watch the last five minutes and be like, okay.

[Darren]

Like, it's not.

[Roan]

So.

[Darren]

It will not be spoiled for me. I'm going in completely blank.

[Sass]

It's also, like, the story that all stories. Stories are based on.

[Darren]

Yeah.

[Sass]

Like an Odyssey. Like, all, like. It's like a genre of movie is, like, going on in Odyssey. It's just, like, the pure form of that journey.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Sass]

Hero's journey.

[Darren]

I almost got the book at the airport when I was coming back from Wyoming, and then everyone was like, you don't want to read that.

[Sass]

It would be dense. But you might want to read, though.

[Darren]

No, I'm just gonna see the movie.

[Sass]

Well, there's a lot. I mean, yeah, there's a lot of stuff.

[Darren]

Why would I read it when I can watch Matt Damon?

[Sass]

Why would I read it when I go watch Elliot Page? Come on, bro. Get with a discourse. If you're not gonna know the story, at least know the discourse. Lupita NGOs in it. Travis Scott is in it.

[Darren]

Trav's in it.

[Sass]

Hathaway's in it. Bro.

[Roan]

Why do you think ha was on

[Sass]

the red carpet with her?

[Darren]

I knew was in it. Oh, I didn't know Z was in it, though. Have you. You seen people. Have you seen people calling Zendaya Z?

[Roan]

No,

[Sass]

as she kills me. Who's calling her Z?

[Darren]

People on Twitter call her Z. They're like, Z. Like, Z and Tom are so perfect together.

[Sass]

That's so terrible.

[Darren]

Yeah, it's awful. Have you seen that tweet of the person being like. Like, it's like it's Z and Tom, and they're sitting at, like, a coffee shop in between two black people. And the tweets, like, it's so crazy, like, how comfortable Tom is around minorities. It's just a photo of them sitting at a coffee shop, and there just happens to be two black people there.

[Sass]

And he's not spazzy.

[Darren]

Yeah, it's like, what did you think he was gonna do?

[Sass]

He's not acting lashing out the fuck out of here right now.

[Darren]

Take my wallet. I don't want anything.

[Roan]

It's like, we're just trying to finish our Frappuccino.

[Sass]

Oh, my God. Yeah. What a stacked cast. Can we pull up what they all made as well? Because this Will blow your mind.

[Darren]

What do they get paid a lot?

[Sass]

Well, that Z is getting paid less than MD.

[Darren]

No.

[Sass]

Yeah, bro. Damon, 15. Holland, 10. Z, 8.

[Darren]

Oh, you know that 2 million difference stirred up a lot of problems.

[Sass]

Seven, bro. Hathaway's been on the scene for how long?

[Darren]

Pathways like LeBron. That's like the LeBron deal. She wants everyone else to get paid.

[Sass]

Oh, she took the vet men.

[Darren]

Yes, took the vet men.

[Sass]

And she'll play small. 4. I heard Hathaway's gonna run point guard a little bit.

[Roan]

I'm frustrated by trying to see this in IMAX as well and seeing how every theater showing of IMAX is sold out from now until forever.

[Darren]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Because I wanted to see Oppenheimer in imax.

[Darren]

I wish I saw that in imax.

[Roan]

And by the time it basically, there was never a moment where it wasn't sold out until it was out of theaters.

[Darren]

They.

[Sass]

They.

[Darren]

I will say that one IMAX theater in Manhattan. They, they re show a lot of those movies like Interstellar is playing there. I saw.

[Roan]

I can't wait until a year from now to see this. Everyone's going to spoil it.

[Sass]

And once you've seen it. And once you've seen it the first time, like, you can't go back. Like, the first time I saw Oppenheimer, I was in, like, a gen pop airplane seat with, like, it was like

[Darren]

one of the old Delta test Scorsese, as he intended.

[Sass]

Yeah. It was like I could see it all in my vision. Like, if I squinted, it was very tiny. And that, like, completely changed it. You can't go back and see Interstellar now.

[Roan]

No.

[Sass]

Once you've experienced it already.

[Roan]

No, I think you could.

[Darren]

I would watch. I would go see Oppenheimer and IMAX today.

[Sass]

You should book the wheelchair.

[Darren]

And I've seen that movie.

[Roan]

Like, I have tried and just stand. I have tried to rent a wheelchair.

[Darren]

Have you seen that when people book the wheelchair seat not knowing that there's no chair, it's just space? Yeah, I saw. I saw some photo of some dude just standing at the space. Like, he thought there was going to be a seat.

[Roan]

I mean, I would do it and bring like a soccer sideline chair.

[Darren]

Yeah, definitely.

[Roan]

Be like, where are your wheels? Oh, they're in the shop.

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Darren]

Getting fixed.

[Sass]

They did that to Nate. Nate booked.

[Darren]

That's what it was. That's what I was thinking about.

[Sass]

Yeah, it was intern bugs. He stood up out of his wheelchair at the end.

[Darren]

I didn't want to reference another tweet because I've Referenced like nine tweets this episode. But that is what it was. I was on Twitter for a while yesterday, a lot of Twitter.

[Sass]

Nate booked a companion seat for the thing, and everybody knew that he. He was in a companion seat. Or Gooch booked it. They traded seats. He was in the companion seat, and he was bugging out about it. No pun intended. And then they sent an intern in a wheelchair to be like, hey, are you my companion for the day? Are you my companion? Sometimes I think about,

[Darren]

what do you remember?

[Sass]

Just take care of me.

[Roan]

It was hysterical. Funny.

[Darren]

It was really the fact that he

[Sass]

went through with it.

[Darren]

Like he was tweaking out about having someone come.

[Sass]

And Nate was the whole. He kept on going out to the lobby and, like, making videos, talking about it being like, I feel like such a bad person. Like, I'm sitting next to the guy. Halfway through, the guy was like, hey, like, can you go get me a water?

[Darren]

The movie's going on right now.

[Sass]

I just want to say I hate dudes. And anybody who buys the companion ticket,

[Darren]

that's for sold out movies.

[Sass]

I hate you, and I hope you all die as his companion. So Nate's making videos in line just bugging out about him.

[Roan]

And they didn't know that this was an intern that worked here.

[Sass]

He didn't know it was an intern that worked here.

[Roan]

What a good bit. Yeah, but.

[Sass]

But yeah. And then at the end of the movie, he stood up and gave it a red. Fantastic.

[Roan]

That's so.

[Darren]

That's hilarious. I didn't see that.

[Sass]

Yeah, that's why he at the wheelchair seat, because he got up out of his wheelchair. But he booked that seat day of bro. For the actual wheelchair. If you just use one of our office wheelchairs that they have for our morbidly obese co workers.

[Darren]

Yeah, but the problem is, like, people would, like if someone recognizes Francis. Whatever.

[Sass]

Bro.

[Darren]

Say you got knee surgery in the wheelchair solo.

[Sass]

Hello. I'm gonna be in the wheelchair section tomorrow.

[Darren]

Yeah, yeah.

[Roan]

Can then I be your companion? We go.

[Sass]

Yes, I'm about to have knee surgery. Let's go.

[Roan]

Hello, this is my gimp.

[Darren]

Can I go too?

[Sass]

Why is he in a latex mask?

[Roan]

I shall. He needs a companion.

[Darren]

Do you get unlimited companions like you do when you're bordering boarding a plane and you have a sprained ankle and you get to bring 15 people on the flight with you?

[Sass]

The. The old Indian parent trick.

[Darren]

Yeah, yeah.

[Sass]

Like a row of anyone who needs

[Darren]

pre boarding and it's 75 people for a guy with a. With a broken collarbone.

[Sass]

It was. If you go back to Clemmer's Instagram, it was the second picture I had.

[Roan]

I overheard. I had my flight home from San Francisco. I had Delta 1 and I was sort of. I dallied a bit in the lounge.

[Darren]

Oh, yeah, of course.

[Roan]

And by the time that I got to the of plane, pretty much everyone, most people had boarded and there was a mother and her daughter who were still there. And I overheard them saying, like, apparently there are two first class seats still available and one they're waiting on one person to show up and if that guy doesn't show up, we're gonna get the seats. They said. And I was like, that sucks. No, I was like, like, get out of my fucking seat.

[Sass]

Don't even think about it.

[Roan]

Who do you think you are?

[Sass]

Don't even eye up my seat.

[Darren]

I mean, that sucks for that person though. I would be so mad seeing you pull up.

[Roan]

Yes, I am the one that will not allow for the mother and daughter

[Sass]

to take these seats with a venti coffee cup full of brownies that you take from the Delta lounge.

[Roan]

I overheard what you were hoping for and I'd be inclined to give it to you, but I don't want your daughter to be raised in an entitled fashion. I think that first class seats.

[Sass]

Well, one of them probably got it, I suppose.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Darren]

Who do you think gets it in that scenario? The mom.

[Roan]

The mom?

[Darren]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Has to be the mom for sure.

[Sass]

The. The guy that I was telling you guys about sold me out. Yeah, that's him standing up in the theater. But the guy who. And they sent another. They sent another intern who bought another seat to take these pictures. Like that's somebody else who got a seat that day. They both got seats that day.

[Roan]

Well, the companion. I'm confused a little bit because if. If someone shows up in a wheelchair and you've got the companion seat, you're not necessarily displaced. Unless that person has a companion with them.

[Darren]

Yeah.

[Roan]

At which point you have to relinquish the companion seat.

[Darren]

Yeah, definitely.

[Roan]

The wheelchair doesn't displace the companion seat seat.

[Darren]

No, it doesn't. That's what the companion seat's for.

[Sass]

Yeah. He said his mom was supposed to take the.

[Roan]

Okay, I see. So they had a guilt trip play.

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Roan]

For like.

[Sass]

Oh, yeah. I was supposed to come with my mom, but they said someone already had the companion seat.

[Roan]

My mom and I were supposed to have these seats, but someone had a first class ticket.

[Sass]

But the guy who I bought this jewelry from, he said he was flying with his. His wife and four kids to Tel Aviv. And he at the gate, he was like, it's going to be like 200 a bag or something like that. He was like, are there like first class seats? And he was able to upgrade himself for like $800 and he got two first class seats and he just went back and told his wife. He's like, hey, like it could be me and like one of the kids or like me, me and you and then the kids. But like the kids are like like 3 years old and like 5 years old. They can't be back there alone. So he just completely over the wife.

[Darren]

That's got to be the argument of the century.

[Sass]

Argument of the century.

[Roan]

He never said

[Sass]

no, no, no, no. He's like. But he got it from it for himself.

[Darren]

Oh, that's bad.

[Sass]

He was like. But I slept, I woke up, I was refreshed.

[Darren]

Oh man, that's bad.

[Sass]

Hey, you guys figure it out amongst yourselves.

[Roan]

One time I was dating this girl and we were on a flight and I got upgraded and she didn't.

[Darren]

Yeah, yeah.

[Roan]

And I gave the guy next to her my first class seat so that I could come sit with her and coach. And I did not receive a blowjob in the bathroom for it.

[Sass]

Damn.

[Roan]

Which is why the relationship ended.

[Sass]

What about when you got home? Was there any quid for the pro quo?

[Darren]

I mean, giving up that, giving up that. How long was the flight?

[Roan]

It was like a two and a half hour flight to Florida.

[Darren]

The first class?

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Darren]

You would in for a two hour flight? Yeah.

[Sass]

Well, I'd rather her have it than some random guy. I'd rather be able to chill with the boys in the back.

[Darren]

Yeah, that's true.

[Sass]

Crack some beers, laugh with two fingers.

[Roan]

I like party gestures. I like to be gallant. It makes me feel good.

[Darren]

But it would have been gallant if you said, why don't you go sit up first class? I'm gonna sit back here and coach.

[Roan]

She wouldn't have done it.

[Darren]

She would have.

[Roan]

No.

[Darren]

And you would still be together.

[Roan]

Probably.

[Darren]

All you had to do is just give her the first class.

[Roan]

I can't be with somebody who insists on coming back to sit and coach. I want a winner. I want someone who believes they should be in first class.

[Darren]

I've given up my first class seat once and it was because I was already sitting down and I was like, I'm not.

[Roan]

I remember you told this to me.

[Darren]

I was the first seat in Comfort plus. Or the last seat in or no. Or the first seat on the flight. Which is the worst One that. That seat sucks.

[Roan]

Oh, I like that seat.

[Darren]

Well, you don't get to have your bag.

[Roan]

I don't mind.

[Darren]

I need my bag.

[Roan]

Why?

[Darren]

I have all of my things in it and I need it. I need it at arm's reach.

[Roan]

You can't take your. The things. How many things do you need during the flight?

[Darren]

Depends on how long the flight is. But, I mean, if it's a long flight, I've got, like, toys to play with.

[Sass]

A suction cup, fidget spinner that you

[Darren]

put on the window and spin. Essentially.

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Darren]

I mean, I have.

[Roan]

Oh, turbulence. I need my. Bop it. I have a. I have a thing for this.

[Darren]

Yeah. I mean, I. I try. I bring the laptop. I mean, the gaming laptop is. I think it's a piece of. I've said it a thousand times. Don't buy one waste of money. Try to play a game on the plane going to Vegas. You can't load a game, can't play any games. I have games downloaded to the computer, but you have to log into, like, Steam, which is like the. The. Where all the games are, to play the game. So, like, I can't play the game. Battle nets the same way. So then I'm like, okay, this thing's a piece of shit. Pull out the Rog. The handheld. Got a couple games in.

[Sass]

So you have a backup.

[Darren]

I have the backup because the laptop, I gotta, like, sell it or something. It might be. Not. It might be a good idea to sell it.

[Sass]

If anybody wants the. The backup.

[Darren]

Yeah, I'll sell it for 2k.

[Sass]

How much did you pay for it?

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

More.

[Sass]

How much did you pay for it?

[Darren]

Never saying.

[Sass]

You've said it.

[Darren]

No, I haven't.

[Sass]

We could look it up.

[Darren]

No, you can't.

[Sass]

You know what I want people to look up? Remember when we set our. All of our goals? When was that? And. And what were they?

[Darren]

I can't imagine I've hit one of those, man.

[Roan]

I don't remember that.

[Sass]

It was for the show. It was goals for the show.

[Roan]

I do remember. Well, I remember. I feel like I asked you guys what your goals were.

[Sass]

No, it was a me. It was me and you. One time. Sass wasn't there. Sass was fishing or something.

[Roan]

You're right. We wouldn't talk about the future if he was here.

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[Darren]

Yeah, I was on. I was at a funeral. That was the last time I missed.

[Sass]

You're at Lindsey Graham's funeral?

[Darren]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Sass]

Well, yeah, if someone could. If someone could comment that what I think my goal.

[Darren]

I said I wanted the episodes to get above 50k on YouTube and we're well above that now.

[Sass]

No, that was my goal.

[Darren]

No, that was definitely mine.

[Sass]

You weren't. You weren't even here. Someone will be able to pull this up.

[Darren]

No one's gonna be able to pull this up.

[Sass]

100 people are locked in with us. I think we probably wanted to be like, oh, we're gonna have, like, certain number of big guests, a certain number of, like, activities or some like that. That's probably the one we didn't hit. You know where I always see on the map that I'm dying to go with you boys? Edinburgh, bro. I need to get to Edinburgh with you guys.

[Roan]

Why?

[Darren]

Why Edinburgh?

[Sass]

Just come.

[Darren]

Why? What's there?

[Sass]

Why. Why wouldn't you want to go?

[Darren]

I don't know much about it.

[Sass]

It's a magical city. Why don't you go learn when you get there?

[Darren]

Magical?

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Darren]

Doesn't sound too magical. Never heard of it.

[Roan]

Never heard of it.

[Darren]

No, I have, I have.

[Roan]

I don't know.

[Darren]

I said that I'd have never been there, though.

[Sass]

Just joking.

[Roan]

Did I tell you guys about how I fucked up my espresso machine? No.

[Darren]

Did you?

[Roan]

Oh, man.

[Darren]

Jerry was just asking me about that thing.

[Roan]

Mine? Yeah, it's too much for him, he said.

[Darren]

Is it. Does it like. Is he have to wake up, like four hours early and start. Start getting to work?

[Roan]

No, but it does take 15 minutes.

[Darren]

Oh, that's not bad.

[Roan]

10 to 15 minutes. 10 minutes to make a really good coffee.

[Darren]

Oh, that's not bad at all.

[Sass]

What happened? You loaded some gravel into it?

[Roan]

You're gonna laugh. This is insane. So you know, I had one. I loved it. I brought it to my place upstate. Then I thought I would use my shittier one at home in Brooklyn when I was here. Realized I can't live that way.

[Darren]

Wait, wait, you brought, like, the La Marzocco? Yeah, I love that crazy one upstate.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Darren]

Okay.

[Roan]

Got it. And then I thought I could just use my shittier one here, but then I realized that once you go La Marzocco, you can't go back.

[Sass]

So you needed another La Marco.

[Roan]

So I needed another La Marzocco. I bought another. This was a while ago. This was before I had stopped spending.

[Sass]

Those are, like 10 grand.

[Roan]

No, they're four and a half. But I bought another one, and I bought it for here. And of course, I really liked the custom wood accents that I purchased for the one upstate. And I thought, I can't have one with stock knobs.

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Roan]

I need the custom wood accents for this one. I bought a red one for Brooklyn.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Hmm.

[Roan]

Turns out I didn't need the custom wood accents because the red one looks good with the plastic black knobs. Yeah.

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Shouldn't have done it. But we are where we are.

[Darren]

Yeah, of course.

[Roan]

And when knobs on the way. When the custom wood accents arrived for the red one in Brooklyn, I thought, I don't need to hire the guy from Brooklyn, Queens Espresso repair to come install these. I think I have a decent handle on how to do it myself.

[Sass]

No. And it's a classic mistake.

[Roan]

I thought I could just do it with sheer strength.

[Darren]

So you broke it. That's like the ultimate like. Like. Like, just adult man move, bro.

[Roan]

Let me tell you something.

[Darren]

Like, I'm gonna fix this, and then you just destroy it.

[Roan]

I didn't really look up how to do it. Yeah, I kind of did and started to. I didn't have the tools.

[Darren]

Yeah. So you just ripped it off?

[Roan]

No, I just started to unscrew the knobs. There's a steam kn. Hot water knob. And I started to unscrew them, and I was like, man, this is really hard. Like, it was. It was so hard.

[Darren]

But they weren't meant to be unscrewed, but I.

[Roan]

They were continuing to just move a tiny bit. So I started to use my other hand.

[Darren]

Yeah.

[Roan]

To support.

[Darren]

Anytime you have to use that amount of pressure, you're doing something wrong.

[Roan]

And I was getting it. And then I finally did get it.

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Roan]

And then I screwed my custom wood nabs on to replace them.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Them.

[Roan]

But then when I tried to use them, nothing was happening.

[Darren]

Yeah.

[Roan]

So I called The Brooklyn clean espresso repair guy, Jimmy, he must have been furious. He came and he was in my apartment. Well, he. I had to schedule him. It took me, like, two weeks. I had to. He came when I wasn't home, and he called me, and he was like, dude, in my 20 years of working on these machines, I've. How did you do this? He was like, it's broken. All this. All the screws and the nuts inside are, like, warped. He goes, did you do this with your bare hands? And I go, yeah. And he goes. He starts laughing. He goes, you must be the strongest guy on earth. I go, jimmy, I'm not happy about this, because. Yeah, I don't mean to laugh, but if there is a plus, you're the strongest person I've ever met. And I'm like, dude, I know I'm strong.

[Darren]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Okay.

[Darren]

That's why I have an espresso machine.

[Roan]

Why do you think I brute forced my way to break the Ferrari of espresso machines that I own?

[Sass]

You warp the metal. You, like, inside.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Sass]

Stripped the screws.

[Roan]

I basically. I didn't just strip them. I, like, popped them. So, like, lug nuts and the.

[Darren]

The.

[Roan]

The things like that. And he was like, I've never seen this before. And he couldn't stop laughing about it. And I felt really sick to my stomach. So we're seeing if the warranty covers.

[Sass]

That's a compliment, though.

[Darren]

Covers. Human destruction.

[Roan]

Human rage. Pure. I'm gonna just pure force my way through this.

[Darren]

It is really, like. It's a good rule to follow. Like, if you're. If you. If you're trying to fix something or repair something or build something, and it's taking more than your natural strength to do it where you need to get the other arm involved. It's not the right thing to do.

[Roan]

I know. It was. Breaking it.

[Sass]

I can picture the faces you were making, like, the sound, like,

[Roan]

I was literally, like, off my feet.

[Darren]

Yeah.

[Sass]

Straight.

[Roan]

I was using my, like, full body weight to just turn it.

[Darren]

But I caught myself in moments like that where I've done that, and, like, halfway through, I'm like, if it's this hard, there's no way. This is how it's supposed to be.

[Roan]

See, that is the correct way to think. My thought process is. Is, wow. Think of how many weak men have not been able to do this.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

They've.

[Roan]

This machine, just this whole instruction manual. All of that is for people who weren't Division 1 athletes.

[Darren]

Exactly. That's how my dad used to do everything. You just Break constantly. Like, oh, this must be how you do it. Snaps and a half broken. It's just how, like, it's how everyone do things. Yeah. Yeah.

[Sass]

Pft was telling a story that, like, he. He bought a place upstate in, like, Indiana, some beach town. And there's golf carts. It's a golf cart neighborhood. And him and, like, the beef, like, tried to, like, fix a golf cart, and they spent like, 16 hours on it to try and save 500.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Sass]

And then 16 hours later, they have to buy a new, like, $10,000 golf cart. Yeah. They just. They broke everything because they, like, spent time away from their families to. To fix this golf cart that they destroyed.

[Roan]

Yeah. But you can't put a dollar value on the satisfaction of doing it yourself

[Sass]

or with a buddy.

[Roan]

And the problem. Yeah. And the problem there is that pair eyes on it. You pair. Like, none of us know the correct and fastest way to do it ourselves. So when we get into the weeds of a repair like that, that we get frustrated.

[Darren]

Yeah. And you start just breaking.

[Roan]

And then you're like, I'm going to cut some corners. I'm just.

[Darren]

Maybe if I pull on this as hard as I possibly can, I'm not

[Roan]

going to do it. I'm going to go my own way. I'm going to take the route, the road less traveled, and put all my weight into twisting this knob off of its hinges.

[Darren]

I mean, even, like, furniture, like, setting up furniture. I never read them. I'm just.

[Sass]

Did you watch a YouTube video?

[Roan]

I sort of did, but there's always a YouTube video. I think halfway through, I saw, like, LeBron top 10 poster dunks of all time.

[Sass]

And you just watch that instead and with your other two hands.

[Roan]

Yeah, Yeah. I posterized the machine that got me so fired up that I.

[Sass]

You're watching the chase down block on Andre Godala. Smack the out of your La Marzocco.

[Roan]

Oh, what a block by dream.

[Darren]

I remember being a kid and going over to my friend's house Christmas Day, and I was looking at the gifts that he got, and he got like a. Like a remote control, like, helicopter. And I broke it immediately. And it was the same thing. It was like, I was like, why is this, like. This should be, like twisting, shouldn't it? Snap it in half.

[Sass]

No.

[Darren]

Yeah. Christmas ruined. Everyone's pissed.

[Roan]

Yeah. How did you come out of that?

[Darren]

Apologizing?

[Sass]

You're like, I'm Jewish. I don't. This doesn't mean anything.

[Darren]

No. I feel.

[Sass]

Don't you guys have eight days of this? No.

[Darren]

Oh, would you Just get seven more of these.

[Sass]

That is brutal. Oh, my God. That's a apparent thing. Dude, on Christmas this year, I spent like the. I spent two hours putting together some kind of like, play set inside my house that they didn't even look at. And like, just two months later, I just saw it in our like, recycling room. Just like, it's just thrown out.

[Darren]

Oh, really?

[Sass]

Yeah, they never played with it. Tossed. Yeah, just like. I know my whole life is just going to be December 24th. Construction of things. Terrible.

[Roan]

Well, Ron, that's one way to look at it. Another way to look at it is that you have built a beautiful family that will support you all the way through your life with love and. And stuff like that.

[Sass]

Oh, yeah.

[Roan]

Whereas I'm just. Just building things for. To distract myself from how lonely I am.

[Sass]

Yeah, you're building and destroying.

[Darren]

Building and destroying so that you can invite the espresso guy over again.

[Roan]

Yeah, I keep it up.

[Darren]

Just broke again. Bad news, Jimmy, bro. You don't got to rip the knobs off for me to come over here.

[Roan]

Remember that espresso machine you worked on? Yeah. It up again.

[Sass]

I want to come over.

[Darren]

Why don't you bring some beers this time? Bring your own mug. How about I make you a cup after you fix it?

[Sass]

Jimmy. What a legend. I can't believe that that's the only guy in that business. Maybe you need to get into that business so you can just meet. Meet fellow espresso heads.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Sass]

Good networking tool.

[Darren]

You should start like an espresso club where you guys go to a different machine every week.

[Sass]

Home. Espresso club.

[Darren]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Yeah, that's pretty good.

[Darren]

You guys run to an espresso place.

[Roan]

I think I'm too life at this point to learn anything new.

[Darren]

Well, that's definitely not true.

[Roan]

I think it's over.

[Sass]

What do you mean?

[Darren]

Learn any. You have to learn new things.

[Roan]

I think I'm full. Yeah, I think it's. It's over. If anything, I need to start. I need to start taking things to Goodwill.

[Sass]

Yeah.

[Darren]

Yeah.

[Roan]

I need to purge my mind.

[Darren]

Ayahuasca.

[Roan]

Because right now I know too much. I know too. I know how to do too many things.

[Darren]

Well, it doesn't sound like you do because you destroyed your espresso machine.

[Roan]

Yeah, because that's a new thing.

[Darren]

Yeah, so you got to learn. Learn it.

[Roan]

No, no, I'm not gonna.

[Darren]

You gotta learn how to take those knobs off yourself.

[Roan]

If I learn how to do that, then how does the friendship with Jimmy come to be?

[Darren]

Maybe you call him Next time. And you say, jimmy, you'll never get. I figured out how to do the knobs. Turns out there's a couple screws inside. You just kind of pop those out and they slip right off.

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Roan]

You remember your job? Turns out it's not hard.

[Darren]

Yeah, it turns out they have, like, Chad, GBT just told me how to do it in one paragraph.

[Roan]

Now that you're gonna have so much free time on unemployment employment. Let's go get a beer.

[Darren]

Yeah, let's go grab a beer and celebrate your retirement.

[Sass]

An espresso man. Cosplaying as a craftsman.

[Darren]

Tales oldest time.

[Sass]

Yeah, that's Kuzma. That's a Kuzma 101 right there.

[Roan]

He went to. He went to high school with Jordan Jensen. Who? Jimmy.

[Darren]

Oh, really?

[Roan]

Yeah, he's like, you're a comedian. Do you know Jordan Jensen? And I was like, do I?

[Sponsor/Ad Voice]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Yes, I do.

[Sass]

Where does. She said your name? On Rogan one time.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Sass]

You should have been like. Yeah, she talked about me on Rogan.

[Darren]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Darren]

We're very close.

[Sass]

She mislabeled me on Rogan.

[Darren]

Consider her one of my best friends.

[Sass]

Is she from the city of New York?

[Darren]

I have no idea.

[Roan]

No, I don't think so. She's not from New York.

[Sass]

And they both wound up here.

[Darren]

What are the odds? What are the fucking odds?

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Darren]

What are the odds that two people from high school could end up in New York City?

[Sass]

Wow.

[Roan]

Two kids done made it good. They made it out.

[Sass]

And he's an espresso repair man.

[Darren]

He express repairs espressos. That should be his motto.

[Sass]

How often do you think he hears the X in espresso? Do you think people ever throw it at him?

[Darren]

No one with a machine like that is calling it an espresso.

[Sass]

Whoa.

[Roan]

What's that supposed to mean?

[Darren]

Means it's top notch. It's a top notch machine.

[Roan]

You're saying that black people can't afford long.

[Darren]

I wasn't even thinking about black people.

[Roan]

Oh, okay. Well.

[Darren]

But now I am.

[Sass]

What do you think?

[Darren]

Don't get me riled up, dude.

[Roan]

That was such a good joke by. By Zach Galifianakis when he hosted snl.

[Darren]

What'd he say?

[Roan]

He said that he was talking about how he uses Axe Body spray and then the. But he has a lot of black friends who call it Ask Body Spray. Something like that. That. Oh, so well done. He was a good comic.

[Darren]

Oh, yeah.

[Sass]

Really?

[Darren]

His special. The. What's it called? The something room.

[Roan]

Yeah, the purple. Purple thing where he sits at the piano and does the. Yeah, I think he's funny. Yeah, he's really good. Yeah, he did Letterman.

[Darren]

Yeah.

[Roan]

Back when Letterman was like the. The thing.

[Darren]

Yeah. Yeah, he's very funny.

[Roan]

Yeah.

[Sass]

And now. Now where's Letterman? You know,

[Roan]

doing that, but doing that cool show on Netflix.

[Darren]

Oh, yeah, Yeah, I saw that.

[Roan]

My next guest needs no introduction.

[Sass]

He's not starting any beef with Logan Paul. He's just being graceful about his.

[Darren]

His no buckle. Fat removed.

[Sass]

No buckle.

[Darren]

That's still there.

[Sass]

He has a fat beard now.

[Darren]

Fat ass beard. Rick Rubin beard.

[Sass]

Delicious beard.

[Roan]

Yeah. What else? Is there anything else?

[Sass]

No. We have Steve German coming in. So check. Check for that episode that will be coming out we're about to record right after this. So check for that episode that will be coming out soon.

[Darren]

That'll be coming out on Tuesday, the 11th of August.

[Roan]

Nice.

[Sass]

Is that true?

[Darren]

Yes.

[Sass]

Holy. All right.

[Darren]

All righty. We will see you guys next week. Thank you.