← Spooked
Spooked
Spooked LIVE: Jen Kober x Glynn Washington
00:47:54
The hallowed halls of an Airbnb house a spirit that can only be seen through sprinkles, spritzes, and sparkles… of air freshener. Snap’s Queen of Comedy, Jen Kober, returns with a story only she could tell. Plus, Glynn shares a story about a close personal witch.
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Transcript26 lines
- [00:03]
Glynn Washington
I don't want to start any blasphemous rumors, but I think that the Shadow has an odd sense of humor. And when I die, I expect to find her laughing. You're listening to Spooked. Stay tuned.
- [00:25]
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- [00:53]
Glynn Washington
Limu Cable and Doug Limu and I always tell you to customize your car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. But now we want. Cue the emu music. Limu.
- [01:04]
Jen Kober
Save yourself money today. Increase your wealth. Customize and save. We save.
- [01:13]
Glynn Washington
That may have been too much feeling. Only pay for what you need@libertymutual.com Liberty. Liberty.
- [01:18]
Jen Kober
Liberty.
- [01:19]
Glynn Washington
Liberty Savings. Very underwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company Affiliates. Excludes Massachusetts. Okay, so backstage at the house hallowed halls of LA's haunted Orpheum Theater, over 2,000 spooksters have gathered, waiting on the other side of that curtain, preparing to summon the Shadow for Spooked Live. They think they're gonna get one thing, but friends, y' all about to get something else entirely. I am so excited. A woman who is royalty to this snap judgment enterprise rolled out the red carpet. She's about to step on the spook stage. No, I will never be able to predict the next word out of her mouth, but I promise, I guarantee you're gonna love the ride. And dear friend of mine, Snap Fam. Jim Col.
- [02:28]
Jen Kober
I just have to say I didn't know who was on this show. And when you show up to a gig and there's a CNN correspondent there, I was already spook. This can't be good. I don't like spooky things. I hate to be. I have been in a dressing room in the bowels of this building listening to music. La la la la la la la la. I don't like to be scared. Even as a kid, I didn't ever like scary movies. I'm not really Nightmare on Elm Street. I'm more Ghostbusters. Though I do watch a lot of Dateline. Yeah, like those slasher kind of movies that Blood and Guts. I can't take that, uh, fictionalized Horror terrifies me, but actual people dying, I fall asleep to that shit. That's. But I've never liked scary movies. I remember at a slumber party when I was 8 years old, Betsy Rodriguez got us all into a circle and she started all that light feather, stiff as a board, Bloody Mary, Ouija, voodoo, Schma Doodle. I don't care for that. It scares me. Uh, Anytime that would start, I would just go to sleep. I would often wake up with my hands in bowls of warm water. If you know, you know. If not, we'll move on. I never understood it though. Like, fine, make me pee. It's your sheath. It was hard to handle those scary movies. I just couldn't do it. Side note, I don't like scary movies so much that when the movie I know what you did last summer was popular, I was doing a one woman show at that time that I wanted to title I Know what yout Ate last Summer. I thought it would be funny. And then I was gonna parody some scene from the movie. So I sat down to watch the movie. Five minutes in, I shut that shit off and changed the name of my one woman show to Indiana Gin and the Temple of Food. I love Indiana Jones. It's the ringtone on my cell phone. So I didn't know what to do. Y'. All, how am I gonna tell a spooky story when I don't like to be spooked? So I called Glenn. I was like, dude, I don't know what to do. Glenn says, jen, it doesn't have to be blood and guts kind of scary. Haven't you ever just been spooked? I was like, ooh, dude, you mean like the time my dog, who is really my grandmother reincarnated, sat at the end of my bed telling me about the presence of extraterrestrials in the greater Los Angeles area? All night long, she just kept being like, I'm telling you, Jennifer, there are space aliens on Wilshire. Glenn was like, that's not quite it. I said, ooh. What about the time we held a seance for a dead squirrel in Paducah, Kentucky, with a voodoo priestess closer? I got it. What about the time me and my buddy Jeff D. Cleared a haunted Airbnb of a ghost that looked like ZZ Top? Glenn said, jackpot. Here's what you gotta know about my buddy Jeff D. Jeff D. Looks like the brother I never had, but he's more like the sister I never wanted. He looks just like me. And he is very, very, very gay. He loves Rock Hudson. And Judy Garland and Leslie Jordan. I often refer to him as the ghost of homosexuals past. We've known each other since college and he opens for me all over the country. So we travel together a lot. So one weekend what had happened was we found ourselves playing at the Stardome Comedy Club in Hoover, Alabama, right outside of Birmingham. I don't mean to brag, but they have two Walmarts. One of them has a brand new Arby's inside of it. So naturally we had our shows on the weekend. So we had gotten there on Tuesday. We were gonna spend a few days in an Airbnb there in Alabama and get our laundry done and catch up on our TV shows. This is road life glamour. So we get an Airbnb. The homeowner meets us at the address. It's a little bit outside of the city limits, but it's a big old house. We get there and the owner meets us. Her name is Celeste. And I can't tell if Celeste is a hick or a hippie. She's wearing a tie dye T shirt hippie, but with overalls hick. She has long gray hair hippie, but it's in Willie Nelson braids hick. She's got her dog with her hick, but it's a golden doodle named Bailey. Hippie, y'. All. It's like Hee Haw meets woods dog. Or for you millennials, Miley Cyrus. I can't tell what's going on with this woman, but she and the dog start showing us around the place. She shows us the washer and the dryer. She's got some environmentally friendly detergent there for us to use. Thank you, Celeste. Then she shows us the bedrooms and the dog keeps sniffing around a door. She says, oh, that's the equipment closet. Equipment, uh huh. Life vests, oars, rackets, that sort of thing for sports. I don't know what about looking at Jeff and I would have made her think to show us the sporting equipment, but I figured it was just part of the tour. And then she says, oh, and be careful. There's spirits in the house, but they're mostly friendly. And she laughs, gets into her Subaru Forester and drives away as Jolene blares in the distance. So there I am, left with my laundry. Jeff goes to his room. He says he's going to watch a movie. I'm going to get my first load started. I'm separating things there. And Celeste has installed, installed one of those air freshener, the psst. Right. And it's on top of the refrigerator, which I thought was precarious placement for air freshener, but, you know, maybe Celeste likes her smell good at eye level. I don't know. I'm not trying to judge anybody, but. And the first couple times, it's of kind.
- [12:15]
Glynn Washington
The Psst.
- [12:16]
Jen Kober
It just comes out of nowhere. So I keep separating my laundry. And then I remember y', all, I had put a Yoo Hoo in the fridge when we first got there, but I can't find the light. She had shown me the light switches. The lights were on dimmers, right? Finally, the lights come up. I get the lights to come up and y', all, there's crystals all over this room. And there's a crystal ball in the middle of the room. And at first I'm like, let's play Pee Wee's Big Adventure in the Basement. So I'm getting distracted. I have laundry to do. So I dim the lights back down and I go to the refrigerator to get my Yoo Hoo out. And when I open the fridge and the light of the refrigerator comes on as I grab it and it closes, the psst happens and I see the outline of a fella. A tall white fella. So I do wanna. I mean, I don't know any. But I have moves.
- [13:40]
Glynn Washington
Though.
- [13:40]
Jen Kober
To be honest, just doing that, I'm a little out of breath. Then I start thinking to myself, this is ridiculous. Sending me a male ghost. This is bullshit. I am. I am a short haired woman. If you want to scare me, son, you best bring your A game. You know what I'm saying? I've been chased by murderers on the Purge. I had blood thirsty demons trying to eat me on American Horror Story. Droids shooting at me on the Mandalorian. You think you gonna come in here, you tall, skinny ZZ Top, and just scare the hell out of me? Damn straight he did. I was scared shitless. I didn't. I just did my. I just did the Southern thing and acted like it didn't happen and kept folding my laundry. And a few minutes later, the. And I see him again. And I felt something near my shoulder, like his beard. Like just y'.
- [15:02]
Glynn Washington
All.
- [15:02]
Jen Kober
I freaked out. I go running into Jeff D's room and I tap him on the shoulder and he screams, right? He loses it. I was like, oh, my God, what were you watching? He was like, Steel Magnolias. What did he. Shelby was just drinking her juice when you came in. So I explained to him, I said, dude, every time the thing on top of the refrigerator goes psst. I see a ghost that looks like ZZ Top. So Jeff gets up out of his bed, goes to the kitchen, grabs the thing off the refrigerator and smashes it to the floor. He says, there, I've solved the ghost problem. I said, you didn't solve the ghost problem, you moron. You just took away the only way I could see it. Apparently, you gotta shoot particles at the ghost so you can see it. Jeff says, this is just like Poltergeist Girl. We're gonna have to confront this ghost and usher it out of a portal. A portal? Like a door. Are you saying we gotta get it out the door? Because earlier I had seen it run out the door, but it didn't run out the door. It ran through the door. That's how I knew it was a ghost. He says, come on, you can do it. And then he starts dancing. I said, what the hell are you doing? He said, I'm ushering. So the only thing we can do is arm ourselves with things from the sporting equipment closet. I'm not confronting a ghost in my jammies. And gay people love costumes. We love costumes. So we're each wearing a bright orange life vest and a batting helmet. Jeff's has the little holders for beer cans and straws hanging off of it. He has an oar in one hand and a bat in the other. I'm holding what I later came to find out was a pickleball racket and my cell phone. And Jeff bravely says, I'll go outside and check the perimeter of the house. And I'm like, we're in Alabama. The hell does perimeter mean?
- [18:03]
Glynn Washington
He said.
- [18:04]
Jen Kober
He says, I'm gonna check the outside. I said, what if we lose power or something? He says, don't worry. Even if we lose power, your cell phone will still work. If you see anything, call me. I can't see anything. Fool. You took away the only way I could psst with the thing at the seeing it. So I realize I need something if I'm gonna see the ghost to spray at it. And the only thing I have with me is a can of bacon flavored spray cheese. I had meant to buy the American cheese flavor, but somehow bought a bacon flavored can. So I was not as attached to it as I would normally be. So I was willing to spray some at the ghost in order to see its outline. So there I am, pickleball racket in one hand, bacon spray cheese in the other, and I see it. I see the shadow of ZZ Top. And I call out to him, you have no place here. And I have spray cheese and I start to spray the cheese at where I think he is, over and over. And I can see the form lunge towards me, which makes me back the hell up. I'm not. So I back up, but there's spray cheese on the floor. And just then, my cell phone rings. It's Jeff. And he says, I don't see dead people. I was like, I got him right here. I'm spraying the cheese. I'm gonna usher him to the door. I spray more cheese. I lunge again. And now I'm headed towards him, when all of a sudden, the spray cheese gets the best of me. I flip. I go up six feet in the air. I come down, the crystal ball follows me. I take down the curtains with me. I hit the ground. And I wake up inside the tv. I'm kidding. Look at this guy. He's like, is she serious right now? I don't know what happened once I hit my head, but I hit my head. And I woke up the next day to Celeste opening the door to the scene that lay before her. Curtains down, crystal ball shattered, spray cheese everywhere. Jeff and I still wearing life vests. I am still gripping a pickleball racket for dear life. And the dog is licking spray cheese off of everything. And Celeste just looks at me and says, what happened? I said, girl, we seen Zay. Zay top. He was here. I think he had a message for us. And that's when the dog said, did he mention the aliens on Wilshire?
- [22:50]
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- [23:18]
Glynn Washington
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- [31:55]
Jen Kober
Am.
- [31:56]
Glynn Washington
Please. I'm sorry.
- [31:58]
Jen Kober
Please.
- [32:01]
Glynn Washington
I can't do anything for you. I take him back out, and he's pale, his eyes blank. I take this grown man outside of our house. When I close the door, he said, let me just go talk to her one more time. Let me just explain something to her. Granny says she can't help you. Granny says she can't help you. He walks to the sidewalk, turns around, spits. Witch. They often use that word. The one she can't help and the one she can't. She sets me to work later on with a feather duster, dusting that place. And she has these candles that I've seen since I was tiny. Tiny. The apostles. Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. Each of them, their faces turned upwards toward glory. And I'm dusting them and I notice for the first time that there's some other candles behind these ones. And they've got faces I've never seen before. And instead of looking up, they're looking straight ahead. Some of them are holding weapons. Others are holding herbs. They've got color on their face. Granny. Granny, who this? Oh, baby, Jesus is love. But you know Jesus works for free. Jesus give you everything you want. But Jesus takes his sweet time. Do you see how they come quick in a hurry? But, baby, you got to pay later. I'm at church. My parents church next to Pops. And the preacher's building up a head of steam. Brethren. Brethren. Some of y' all think we playing games here. Some of y' all think you're gonna have it both ways. You think you're gonna have your Ouija boards and your tarot cards and you're.
- [34:55]
Jen Kober
Gonna come into God's church and sit.
- [34:57]
Glynn Washington
Down like you ain't done nothing with the devil. Well, I got some news for you. I got some news for you right now. Lord don't appreciate it. The Lord sees. The Lord knows. And you say, preacher, patriots going too far. Ain't you saying things that aren't so well, brethren, I speak for the Lord. I speak for the Lord. Cause I know the Lord's book. And I want you to know it, too. Turn, if you will, to Exodus 22:18. Pops is quick on the draw. He knows his Bible. I will read it real slow so you can hear it in the back.
- [35:44]
Jen Kober
Thou shalt not suffer.
- [35:50]
Glynn Washington
A witch to live. You hear me? Pops looks at me like I told you so. I can barely breathe. When I next see my grandmother, I just asked her, granny, are you a witch? She looks to be a long time. Ain't no such things as witches. Well, Mama, Daddy say. Your mama and daddy say a lot of things. But you got to understand something, boy. You are far too young to have secrets. But you gotta keep some secrets. You see, you can't tell everybody everything. You see, you can't tell everybody everything you know. You understand me, boy? You understand me, Yasu? When I go to sleep, folks don't know. I hear him arguing with my auntie. Cause he's my boy, that's why. I know what they arguing about. I'm husking corn with my at Granny's. I got me some more questions. Granny. Granny, why didn't you help that man? Boy, you saw it plain as I do. You know good and well why I didn't help that man. Nah, I didn't see. Tell me what you saw. I didn't say, tell me what you saw. I wasn't supposed to see what I saw. You better tell me. I saw a monster fouling them, Eden. And I want her to tell me, no, you're wrong. Is that what you saw said? She nods. But Granny, honey, why couldn't you help him? And for the first time ever, she looks small, tired, drunken. I don't know what that man did or who he did it to, baby, but some things you can't fix. It's a beautiful summer morning. And my parents tell me, packing up or move away to the deep country 200 miles away. And it makes me sad. It makes me sad. And I tell him, I say, you know, I love you and I'm gonna miss you, boy. You coming with us. And I think that don't make no kind of sense. I don't think. I don't think Granny gonna want to move to no country 200. Granny ain't coming. You is. And I do. I move to the middle of nowhere, Michigan, and don't get to see Granny much. Don't get to have the songs. Don't get to hear the stories. One night I go to bed, and then, right at the foot of my bed, I see my granny sitting there. Boy, how you doing? I'm good. You talk to the plants like I told you? Yes'. Em. Now talk to the plants. Ask' em. They do for you. Mm. She. She tells me stories about the coyote, about the fox, about the moon. She tells me that certain things skip a generation. She tells me that sometimes you gotta look deep, deep inside to find out what's out there. Uh huh. I said. Somebody said, well. Well, I got to go now. Where you going? Got a couple more stops to make. All right. Okay, then. In the morning, I sit on the side of the bed, weeping. My father comes in, in the dark, and he tells me that he got a call from my auntie in the middle of the night. My grandmother, 200 miles away. She passed away. I tell him I know. And the look, the shock of horror when I say it. I know I've made a big mistake. She told me a million times, never tell what you know, what you understand. And I know what he's thinking. He's thinking, Exodus 22:18. I think maybe he's right. He didn't ask for this. Kid who talks to things that couldn't be there, chases after bumps in the night. There's only one person, one person I could speak to, one person. I could tell the truth. You could tell that sometimes, sometimes I see monsters. And she's backing away towards the door. And I know he's gonna walk out, but instead he stops, he pulls himself up, he walks over to me. He bends down, eye level. Boy, you know the stuff you talk to your granny about. You could talk to me and this is the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life. But I appreciate it. I appreciate it because it feels like he's bending a little bit. Like to say, I have to walk this way, I have to walk my path. But I understand, I understand a little bit that you're going to have to walk yours. I want to thank the LAS team for welcoming Spooked. John Cone, Rebecca Stumay, Kristen Payne, the Orpheum team. What a beautiful theater. Ryan Davis and Sarah Rose Leonard at kqed. And thank you, Jen Kober. Jen Kober. She is always doing something awesome. Comedy tv, you name it. Gen Tours find the link to all things gin in our show Notes. The original live score for this story was by Doug Stewart and Brigean Murphy. The recording was mixed by Miles Lassie. Now, did you go on a cruise ship and have a life changing supernatural experience? Of course you didn't. That would be absurd. But if it happens anywhere else, I would sure love to know about it. Spooked@snapjudgment.org because there's nothing better than a spooked story from a spooked listener. Spookednapjudgment.org the spooked emerges in the dark of night from the underground crypts at K2D Studios. Don't seek to find the way in, lest the way in seeks to find you. Sprint is brought to you with a team that uses the Ghostbuster movies as instructional videos. Except of course, for Mark Ristich. You can scream at him till you're hoarse. He's still trying to cross streams. There's Davy Kim, Zoe Ferrigno, Eric Yanez, Elliot Lightfoot, Marissa Dodge, Teo Dicott, Miles Lassie and Doug Stewart. We've got the special incantation from Spook Legal. It reads that no SNAP Studios content may be used for training, testing or developing machine learning or AI systems without prior written permission. Take that team. Spooked. The union represented producers, artists, editors and engineers are members of the national association for Broadcast Employees and Technicians, Communications workers of America, AFL CIO Local 51. The spook theme song is by Pat Mesiti Miller. My name is from Washington and they say the Shadowlands are scary. And I'm gonna guess that's true. I'm gonna guess as well. The lands of Shadow are other things that they are beautiful, curious, compelling, horrifying, even Funny. Really? You might ask me. Bold claim. Based on what? I'll tell you what it's based on. It's based on the idea that it is us. And us is it? Wherever we go, there we are. Run as far as you want, cross as many planes of existence as you wish. Wherever we are, it is as well. And as a reminder of this fundamental tenet, one thing I like to tell the kids is to never, ever, never, never, ever. Never, ever. Never, never, never, never, ever. Sam Sa.