Caring For Her Kid, Her Parents and Herself

Summary

Podcast Summary: Squeezed with Yvette Nicole Brown

Episode Title: Caring For Her Kid, Her Parents and Herself
Date: September 11, 2024
Host: Yvette Nicole Brown
Guest: Sade (with appearances from parents Celia and Marvin)
Producer: Lemonada Media

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Overview

In this deeply personal episode, host Yvette Nicole Brown introduces Sade, a 34-year-old mother and multi-generational caregiver in New Jersey. The conversation explores the daily realities, emotional burdens, and financial obstacles faced by caregivers. Sade’s experience, spanning caring for her young daughter and her aging, medically vulnerable parents, reflects a broader crisis of care in the United States and tests the limits of resilience, family love, and self-preservation.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Family Dynamics and Joyful Moments

• [00:26–01:19] Sade, her husband, daughter, and her parents (Celia and Marvin) enjoy Saturday game nights to escape the cycle of caregiving and medical duties—a temporary reprieve where laughter and music prevail.
• Quote:
  • Sade: "Sometimes so much of my identity gets wrapped up in being a caregiver. Sometimes it's just nice to sit around the table and play board games and have fun and think about moments that are funny and make us laugh, sort of those like, pockets of relief almost." [02:26]

Layered Responsibilities

• [01:19–02:43] Sade balances her own needs (managing rheumatoid arthritis) with ensuring her mother takes heart meds and her father his prostate cancer treatment. Only then does she tend to herself.
• Quote:
  • Sade: "If I don't do it, then who else will? We don't live in a country where we have the sustainable, equitable, affordable options that would allow me to not be that person." [01:41]

The Cost of Childcare and Work

• [05:50–07:24] After the unexpected birth of her daughter, Sade and her husband struggle to afford childcare. Her company did not legally owe her paid leave, which increased stress and financial pressure.
• Quote:
  • Sade: "They made it very clear that they didn’t have to do this. Almost like they were doing me a favor. And it felt terrible and I felt stressed…I ended up doing like a six week recovery and the bills on top of that, you know, post pregnancy and during paid leave when not all of it was fully paid, was a hard time for us." [06:42]

When Life Changes Overnight

• [08:11–09:44] Sade's mother's heart attack while caring for her granddaughter forced Sade into even more demanding caregiver responsibilities. Her family provides support, but she becomes "the plan" and infrastructure.
• Quote:
  • Sade: "But the plan was me. I was the plan. That was the infrastructure." [08:39]

Systems and Organization — Survival Through Structure

• [11:19–13:28] Sade uses 27 phone alarms and color-coded routines to juggle appointments, duties, and medication schedules for three generations.
• Quote:
  • Sade: "I do a lot of multitasking. I often think about the most effective route to solve something quickly, and I apply that to everything... balancing my time, balancing what we have to do in the home, like literally anything." [12:11]
  • Yvette Nicole Brown: "There's a plaque on Sade's desk at home that perfectly summarizes her ability to get stuff done. It reads: Goddess of Efficiency. And even though Sade deserves it, I wish that she didn't have to embody it 24/7." [13:28]

Compounding Medical Crises and Financial Strain

• [14:22–15:37] Both Sade’s parents face new diagnoses and recurrences of cancer, forcing her to constantly adjust family routines and take on new roles. Financial outlays are staggering: $15,000/year on childcare, $24,000/year on home care, not including medical equipment and necessities.
• Quote:
  • Sade: "I haven't sat down to count it because if I sit down to count it, I'll cry." [15:14]

Silver Linings Amid Hardship

• [16:01–17:21] Marvin receives long-overdue compensation for 9/11-related cancer, and there’s hope to downsize to a more manageable home. Family humor and resilience shine through even bleak news.
• Quote:
  • Marvin: "So I did get good news today. I'm gonna have one of my checks before I die." [16:01]
  • Celia (responding to the idea of "a light at the end of the tunnel"): "My light is not an oncoming train." [17:09]

Caregivers’ Health and Intergenerational Guilt

• [18:06–22:51] Sade’s mother minimizes her own crises; Sade does the same with her own chronic illness (RA). Both hide suffering out of guilt and love—for each other and their families. Sade worries about modeling self-sacrifice for her daughter, wishing for caregiving to be a choice, not a mandate born from gaps in social and economic support.
• Quote:
  • Sade: "I don't think I have a choice. I think that there is no real system or infrastructure to support us, so we have to make those sort of impossible choices. There have been times where I've had to choose between, well, do I pay my medical bill now or do I pay my parents? And I don't think that that's a fair system to have her inherit." [20:17]
  • Yvette Nicole Brown: "You have spent so much of your life caring for so many people. The sadness and concern… I know it's for you, but I feel like this is mostly because you're like, what's everybody gonna do if I'm not able to be me?" [21:42]
  • Sade: "My mom is the person who was the me... I think that she feels a lot of guilt around the fact that she is making me do these things and be that person and she cannot contribute. So then when I can't contribute, I feel bad about making her feel bad about needing things." [22:17]

Systemic Issues and the Need for Change

• [23:08–25:21] Sade and Yvette reflect on the cultural, political, and systemic causes of caregiver burnout, stressing the need for social safety nets and policy intervention.
• Quotes:
  • Sade: "The reason why our loved ones and our family members have to fill in these gaps is because political leaders haven't funded the long term systems and supports in this country and that the systems that are currently in place are restrictive and crumbling." [23:08]
  • Yvette Nicole Brown (referencing sociologist Jessica Calarco): "'Other countries have social safety nets. The US has women.' When unexpected challenges pop up, it shouldn't just be up to people like Sade to be the plan." [25:21]
  • Sade (advice to her past self): "Give yourself grace because it is not your fault. We can figure a version of OK out, but we're not going to get a picture perfect moment here." [24:17]

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Memorable Moments

• Sade describing her role: "But the plan was me. That was the infrastructure." [08:39]
• Marvin’s dark humor and optimism about his benefit check: "I'm gonna have one of my checks before I die." [16:01]
• On generational patterns of self-sacrifice: Sade reveals how her mother modeled selfless caregiving, and now both struggle under the emotional weight of not being able to do it all for others [22:17].
• Laughing through adversity: Celia and Marvin’s banter about light at the end of the tunnel keeps their spirits up [17:09].
• Yvette’s rallying call for action: "Caregivers are the backbone of our economy and they should be treated as such." [25:21]

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Sade on the lack of options:

  "We don't live in a country where we have the sustainable, equitable, affordable options that would allow me to not be that person." [01:41]

• On 'being the plan':

  "But the plan was me. I was the plan. That was the infrastructure." [08:39]

• Costs of care:

  "We spend 15,000 a year on childcare, maybe 24,000 for home care... I haven’t sat down to count it because if I sit down to count it, I’ll cry." [15:14]

• Generational reflection:

  "I want [caregiving] to be a choice because I don't think that I have that now, but I want [my daughter] to have that." [19:39]

• Advice to her younger self:

  "Give yourself grace because it is not your fault. We can figure a version of OK out, but we're not going to get a picture perfect moment here." [24:17]

• Yvette on the social burden:

  "'Other countries have social safety nets. The US has women.'" [25:21]

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Conclusion

This episode paints a vivid, affecting portrait of what it means to be a caregiver in America: the blessings, the heartbreaks, and the insidious toll of systemic neglect. Sade’s story is both singular and universal, echoing the silent sacrifices of millions. Through honesty, humor, and palpable love, this episode calls for recognition, policy change, and new norms of collective support—so that caring for our families doesn’t mean sacrificing ourselves.

Transcript

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Lemonada. Oh, yeah.

[Celia]

I'm out.

[Sade]

That's it. It's pop pop. Let's go.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

It's getting close to the wire.

[Sade]

Let's cause a little carnage. No, the game is over when one person is still alive. Suppose a little carnage. Oh, another exploding kitten.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Oh, yeah. Do you have a defuse card?

[Sade]

Let's go, let's go, let's go. Go.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

That's Sade, a 34 year old living in New Jersey and working remotely in caregiving. She's a mom to a 5 year old and cares for her parents who live nearby. Together they're playing a game called Exploding Kittens and things are getting heated.

[Sade]

You just drew exploding kitten.

[Marvin]

Oh, I thought I was giving it to you.

[Sade]

What do you mean you just. He's playing his own game. It's just true.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Every Saturday night, Sade, her husband and their daughter gather around her parents dining room table to play games and listen to records from her dad's extensive collection. I'm talking Sam Cooke, Otis Redding, or one of the Motown heavy hitters like.

[Sade]

The Supreme Alter the Future. Okay, now let's dance.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Hit that bad boy right at the top.

[Sade]

Don't have a Pharaoh.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Don't have a Pharaoh.

[Sade]

I don't have a Pharaoh.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Yeah.

[Marvin]

So I lose. My turn.

[Sade]

That's it.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

But not every family visit is as joyful as this. At least twice a week, Sade visits her parents, Celia, 73, and Marvin, 81, to make sure they're taking the right medications at the right time. Celia for her heart condition and Marvin for his prostate cancer. Only after that does Sade think about taking her own medication for rheumatoid arthritis.

[Sade]

It is partially in my nature to be a problem solver, and part of me is like, well, if I don't do it, then who else will? We don't live in a country where we have the sustainable, equitable, affordable options that would allow me to not be that person.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

If you've been following Squeezed up to this point, you already know that Sade's experience isn't uncommon among caregivers in America. Speaking for all caregivers everywhere, I can tell you that we'd love to have more carefree moments like game night or really any time with family that isn't spent running through checklists of medications to take, doctors to visit or bills to pay.

[Sade]

Sometimes so much of my identity gets wrapped up in being a caregiver. Sometimes it's just nice to, like, sit around the table and play board games and have fun and think about moments that are funny and make us laugh, sort of those like, pockets of relief almost.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

For Sade, a number of complicating factors and unexpected life changes have made these moments even more fleeting. And without the right systems in place to care for the caregiver, people like her aren't given a fair start to begin with. This is squeezed and I'm your host, Yvette Nicole Brown. Episode 5 Meet Sade.

[Celia]

Besito how you doing? Love you. I'm good.

[Sade]

Hello. How you doing?

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Sharay's a black Latina who grew up speaking Spanish with her mom Celia, a a native of Puerto Rico. They always greet each other with a pesito or a little kiss. It's a warm Friday evening and our team is with Sade at her parents home in suburban New Jersey. Celia and Marvin's home sits on a corner lot with a well manicured lawn and a couple of religious icons guarding the front door.

[Sade]

Today was actually a pretty chill day. Our stairs broke, so we finally got the stairs almost fixed. The contractors came, I went to the dentist, I did a little bit of work, like in between. Hung out with my kid, went to the pharmacy, came here, finished some grant reports. As I'm listing it, it doesn't sound chill, but it felt really chill to.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Me, like every Friday. Sade had barely returned her mom's besito before she was taking stock of what her parents needed or what they needed to be reminded of.

[Sade]

What time is it?

[Marvin]

What time is it?

[Celia]

Mm.

[Marvin]

Oh, wait a minute. I know you told my mom that.

[Sade]

Is from 10:30am oh, Daddy.

[Marvin]

Darling, things a lot of stuff has been going on.

[Sade]

I just need you to.

[Marvin]

Thank you, darling.

[Celia]

Thank you.

[Sade]

Just work with me.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

In the kitchen, Celia and Marvin's medication machine sits on the counter, humming along and spitting out the pills they need to be reminded to take. Nearby is a small whiteboard with memos like Call T mobile and call Dr. Diamond scribbled on it in red dry erase marker. Did you pay your utilities?

[Sade]

Gas and water.

[Marvin]

I gotta take care of that.

[Celia]

Oh, yeah, we don't wanna go there though. I've been asking him to do that.

[Marvin]

Oh, that's a nice way to put it.

[Celia]

We don't wanna go there.

[Sade]

I let it go.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Decorating the walls of the house are framed passages from the Bible and images of lions and rolling hills painted by Celia. In the living room, a children's show called Booba plays softly on the tv, keeping Sade's daughter entertained. Every Friday, she spends the night at her abuela and abuelo's house. So Sade and her husband and high school sweetheart, Jahliel can go on date night or hang out with friends. For the past two years, Jahliel has been a full time stay at home dad, packing lunches, doing laundry and offering guidance on art projects. But when the couple first found out they were pregnant, that wasn't the life plan.

[Sade]

Well, she was definitely a surprise. I did not find out until, oh my goodness, I think I was. It was right at the end of the first trimester. So the first thing was, oh no, what do we do here?

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Sade and Jahliel had a lot to think about. Space. They would need something bigger than their one bedroom apartment. Childcare costs. How are they going to afford them jobs? Sade had just started hers and she was worried.

[Sade]

I waited as long as I possibly could. I was like, I'm going to prove to them that I'm a great employee. I was really scared about losing my job.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

At the time, Sade was working for a New York based company that had less than 50 employees. So they didn't have to legally honor the state's paid leave policy which provides 12 weeks of paid time off, job security and benefits.

[Sade]

We ended up coming to an agreement where they did honor the paid leave and they made it very clear that they didn't have to do this. Almost like they were doing me a favor. And it felt terrible and I felt stressed and I had a really difficult birthday. The doctor wanted me to recover for 12 weeks and I said I can't. I ended up doing like a six week recovery and the bills on top of that, you know, post pregnancy and during paid leave when not all of it was fully paid, was, was a hard time for us.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Tell me this, what did your math tell you about the cost of childcare? Like what was the most surprising and unexpected cost as you did your math?

[Sade]

It's literally impossible. The actual cost of daycare versus what I was making versus what I needed to bring in to offset the cost. At one point my husband and I were like, basically like his salary was just working to pay for the daycare. Like we were like, well what if.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

We get a nanny?

[Sade]

Is it cheaper then if we do a part time and then my mom does it and the math just, we could not make sense of it.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

So instead of hiring a nanny, Sade's parents moved to Jersey from Brooklyn to help raise their granddaughter. And at first things were really working out.

[Sade]

So my mom was super excited and she was doing all of the things she was doing pickups and drop offs and she was staying with my daughter. And when I dropped her off one day, my mom had a heart attack with my daughter like in her arms. I was supposed to be out the door and I turned around and she.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Was having a heart attack overnight. Sade went from being a making it work first time parent to an all hands on deck caregiver.

[Sade]

And my family definitely showed up. My brother came, my aunts came. We kind of like all just tried to figure out what the plan was. But the plan was me. I was the plan. It was, well, Sade will figure it out. Or you know, Sade, the doctors are talking, we need you to come here. Or Sade, how are you going to track medication schedules? And they certainly were there. But the plan was me. I was the plan. That was the infrastructure.

[Celia]

It seems like almost always she's like right there when things are happening right there.

[Marvin]

So where, you know, she's always in the right place at the right time kind of thing.

[Sade]

Are you crying because Shari does so.

[Celia]

Much sometimes I say, slow down, it's okay. She said, I'm fine. You know, I know she's fine.

[Sade]

That's it, I'm done.

[Celia]

I'm done.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Out of the blue, Sade was dealt a nearly impossible hand. Raising a newborn while having to process her mom's declining health and experiencing life as a mother while coming face to face with mortality. This meant adding anxiety, pressure, and responsibility to an already long list. But Sade pulled through for her family because what choice did she have? Ask any family that's dealing with health issues or shifting care plans, and chances are they will point to that one person who has all the answers, dates, and logistics in order. Usually this falls on the most responsible family member or the one who lives closest. Sade checks all those boxes, and over the years, this has really strained her logistically, emotionally, financially. More on that after the break.

[James Corden]

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[Sade]

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

That's Sade counting her many phone alarms. For us.

[Sade]

27.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Those 27 alarms are everyday reminders for things like pick up your daughter from school or go to the pharmacy for your meds.

[Sade]

One of them's a work one. One of them's a reminder like, go get some coffee. You know, there's so many awake. There's so many. Yeah, you know, remind yourself to stay away.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Yeah, Sade's gonna need that phone to stay organized. Insane. Something you should know about Sade is that she loves a good system. So it makes sense that she spends a lot of time building budgets and Excel spreadsheets at work. And you guessed it, she's great at it.

[Sade]

I do a lot of multitasking. I often think about the most effective route to solve something quickly, and I apply that to everything. I apply that to not just work, but balancing my time, balancing what we have to do in the home, like literally anything.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Sade is the kind of person who prints out color coded agendas for family Trips and has 0 unreads in her inbox. Teach me your ways, girl. If we're lucky, we have a person like Sade in our closest circle. They make life easier for us by doing most of the planning, and we might even aspire to be more like them until we realize how many responsibilities they're shouldering.

[Sade]

There are times where I am on a strategy team call with my parents in the car, driving to the doctor. So I do a lot of like, overlaps when possible. So, you know, where is the time? The time doesn't exist. I'm making up time, and that's kind of it. Easily over 100 hours a month spent on care. And that's just back of the envelope between doctor's visits, groceries, prescription runs, things like that.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

There's a plaque on Sade's desk at home that perfectly summarizes her ability to get stuff done. It reads Goddess of Efficiency. And even though Sade deserves it, I wish that she didn't have to embody it. 24 7. Some people, myself included, are programmed to be all things to all people. We're either told to be this way by society or our families, or we learn by example. Either way, we rise to the occasion because we don't want to let anybody down. Failure in quotation marks isn't an option. We'd feel too guilty. So giving ourselves a break is out of the question too. Cause it's like what Sade said earlier. If we don't get things done, who else will? So in 2019, Sade did what she had to do for her mom and daughter and About a year later the systems and routines started falling into place, but that was only temporary.

[Sade]

And then my dad gets diagnosed with stage four prostate cancer. And then it was like, well now what's the new regimen? What's the new treatment? In between all of this, my mother had another cancer reappearance. And it wasn't the first time that mom had dealt with cancer. It wasn't the first time my dad had dealt with cancer. So it was almost like a. Well, we've been here before so we know what this is like. We know the 10 new medications that are needed, I know what all the side effects are like. We can kind of come up with a new plan, but it's been very responsive and reactive instead of like a proactive plan.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

And part of that reactive plan meant tackling the new costs that came with these life changes, like hiring a part time care worker for her parents.

[Sade]

We spend 15,000 a year on childcare, maybe 24,000 for home care. That's not including groceries, prescriptions, the fact that like my mom needed a walker and then she needed a cane and my dad needed a walker, all of those sort of things. I haven't sat down to count it because if I sit down to count it, I'll cry.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Like other Latinx caregivers in the U.S. jade estimates that about 50% of her income goes to care. She even picked up contract work to supplement her paychecks. With financial strains like that, not even the most efficient goddess of efficiency can sustainably care for the people around her, not to mention herself. But there's hope in a recent development.

[Marvin]

So I did get good news today. I'm gonna have one of my checks before I die.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

That's Marvin and his trademark dark humor talking about a letter that arrived in the mail the same day our team was visiting them. Marvin used to work for the City of New York and on 911 he was two blocks away from the World Trade center when the Twin Towers were hit.

[Marvin]

Until about three years ago is when I found out that compensation for anybody who got cancer during that time, and I was one of those people, we've.

[Sade]

Been talking about how this house isn't sustainable for them. So one thing that we were thinking about was getting them into like a smaller, more manageable sort of apartment. And now we're gonna, that's what we're gonna use money for.

[Celia]

See there's a light always in head of the tunnel. In front of the tunnel there's always a light. I'm coming.

[Marvin]

There's always a light. At the end of the tunnel at.

[Celia]

The end of the tunnel we hope.

[Marvin]

It'S not an oncoming train No, I.

[Celia]

Know it's not an oncoming train My light is not an oncoming train that.

[Sade]

Belongs on a shirt that's my light My light is not an oncoming train.

[Celia]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

So even though Marvin's cancer diagnosis has come with so much heartache and uncertainty, this chunk of change is a blessing for Sade's family. But the reality is, many Americans don't have any surprise checks coming in the mail or even savings to fall back on. And while this money will take some household chores and upkeep off the to do list, it doesn't exactly change Sade's everyday life. She's still going to be financially burdened and feel pressured to prioritize her family's needs ahead of her own. But how long can that go on? More when we return.

[Celia]

When was the last time I went on Emergency for my heart?

[Sade]

Two months ago. Because it was before your sprained ankle.

[Celia]

Yes. Yes.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Yeah, that's Sade and her mom talking about the last time Celia had to go to the ER for heart complications.

[Celia]

They told me not to play. Don't go to sleep with it, don't ignore it. So if it's really, really, really something different and strong, then I call her and she says, who you gotta call? Call the ambulance.

[Sade]

The other version of that story is she's uncomfortable for about two days, doesn't say anything, is in deep pain on day three, and then goes, okay, I'm at the point where I can't take it anymore.

[Celia]

I'm guilty.

[Sade]

And then goes, no, no, no, don't. Don't come to the hospital. No need. That's.

[Celia]

I just don't like to shake everything, you know, for me, no, I deal with it as long as I can.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Hearing Celia minimize her health needs reminds me of Sade's approach to her own rheumatoid arthritis, which has gotten much worse over the years. Just how bad? Her parents don't know. Sade keeps her RA diagnosis largely under wraps for fear of making her parents feel guilty about the amount of care and attention she gives them at the expense of caring for herself. Lately, Sade's been thinking about what this means not just for herself, but for her daughter, too.

[Sade]

I sometimes wonder about the sort of values that I'm providing her with. These sort of kind of, like, inherited norms, especially as I think about the fact that I have a pretty severe rheumatoid arthritis, and it is impacting My everyday life. So in five years, 10 years, 20 years, as she becomes the age that I am, I think about the feelings of expectations that she may have, and I don't want her to pick up that as a requirement. I want it to be a choice because I don't think that I have that now, but I want her to have that.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

So you're saying that you don't feel that you have a choice? Is that what you're saying?

[Sade]

I don't think I have a choice. I think that there is no real system or infrastructure to support us, so we have to make those sort of impossible choices. There have been times where I've had to choose between, well, do I pay my medical bill now or do I pay my parents? And I don't think that that's a fair system to have her inherit. So that's what I mean by choice. I would love for her to see it as an act of love, but also think about it a little bit more comprehensively.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Affair system feels especially urgent on the days when Sade's RA zaps her energy and makes her joints feel like they're on fire. In those moments, Sade has no choice but to stop.

[Sade]

Last Monday, I pulled down a bunch of meetings. I didn't do pickup for my daughter. I didn't do drop off. I, like, kind of just existed and just tried to ride the wave. I also have generalized anxiety disorder. So what happens is when I have very bad RA days, it makes my anxiety swell. I think a lot about, is this it? Like, is this what I'm going to be like for the rest of my life? I'm always waiting for, like, the shoe to drop where I'm like, oh, this is the day that is going to be the last. Like, yesterday was the last day that I'll have that level of physicality.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Oh, honey. Oh, sweetie. I. Oh, I can. I can see it. I can feel it. And you have spent so much of your life caring for so many people. The sadness and the. And the concern I'm seeing on your face, I know it's for you, but I feel like this is mostly because you're like, what's everybody gonna do if I'm not able to be me?

[Sade]

Yeah.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Who are you most concerned about? When I see these tears and this emotion, who is the person that pops in most? Like, I'm crying because I can't be there for this person.

[Celia]

Yeah.

[Sade]

I think that my mom struggles with a lot of guilt. My mom is the person who was the me, so she was very Much. So the person who was like, I can do all the things and I'm going to be everywhere. And then I think that she feels a lot of guilt around the fact that she is making me do these things and be that person and she cannot contribute. So then when I can't contribute, I feel bad about making her feel bad about needing things.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

I think it's beautiful that you guys love each other at that level, but I feel like there needs to be a. Let's sit down and talk about this moment where it's like none of us are able to do all of these things for each other all the time. It's just impossible.

[Sade]

I definitely agree that it feels impossible, but the reason why it feels impossible, the reason why it feels unsustainable is because it, it is like the reason why our loved ones and our family members have to fill in these gaps is because political leaders haven't funded the long term systems and supports in this country and that the systems that are currently in place are restrictive and crumbling. And yes, my family is strong and we are powerful and we care for each other and we shouldn't be in this alone.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Absolutely. And you're powerful and you're strong because you've had to be.

[Sade]

Yeah.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

So there's a whole bunch of us doing these acts of love and acts of service quietly and behind closed doors. And it's not something that we can continue to do forever. What would you say to your past self from 2018 when you were just beginning your caregiving journey? Pretend you're giving that version of Sade a pep talk. What would you say to her?

[Sade]

Yeah, you were not going to figure this out and that is okay. I would probably say that. I would say give yourself grace because it is not your fault. We can figure a version of OK out, but we're not going to get a picture perfect moment here.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

You know, I think that that is very healthy for 2024. You and I hope that every tear that may fall is caught by someone who loves you as much as you love everyone else.

[Sade]

I want the same thing for you. I think that we as caregivers need to come together and have more moments like this where we're honest and, and transparent and we mobilize each other and challenge each other to action. Our families, my family, I'm sure your family. We are committed to taking care of one another. And as a nation, we need to just make it easier for all of us to take care of each other.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Commitment to ourselves and other caregivers starts with understanding that there are a lot of unfair choices we are forced to make and every day, like putting our own health needs last or deciding between our job and taking care of our loved ones, these impossible choices aren't fair to anyone, especially women. There's a sociologist, Jessica Calarco, who puts it like other countries have social safety nets, the US has women. When unexpected challenges pop up, it shouldn't just be up to people like Sade to be the plan. Like we said in the first episode of Squeezed, caregivers are the backbone of our economy and they should be treated as such. I recently made a trip to Capitol Hill with AARP and the Creative Coalition to Advocate for Family caregivers. I'm happy to say that lawmakers listened and I was unsurprised to learn that many of them have caregiving stories of their own. They get it, so I trust that things can change. But this is on all of us. I believe. Well, I need to believe that we can do better as people and as a country. Caregivers deserve that. See you next time on Squeezed. I'm your host Yvette Nicole Brown. There's more Squeeze with Lemonada Premium subscribers get a squeeze exclusive access to bonus content like previously unheard clips from all our voices in this series. Subscribe now on Apple Podcasts. Squeezed is a Lemonada Media original. I'm your host, Yvette Nicole Brown. Crystal Genesis is our senior producer. Julia York, Tess Novotny and Hannah Boomershine are our producers. Field production by Julia York and Ivan Kurayev. Our theme music is by Andy, Kristen's daughter, with additional music by APM Music. Ivan Kurayev is our engineer. Jackie DanZiger is our VP of Narrative Content. Executive producers are me, Yvette Nicole Brown, Jessica Cordova Kramer and Stephanie Whittles. Wax this show was created in partnership with the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, a leading national philanthropy dedicated to taking bold leaps to transform health in our lifetime and pave the way together to a future where health is no longer a privilege, but a right. Follow Squeezed wherever you get your podcasts or listen. Ad free on Amazon Music with your prime membership.