Podcast Summary: Squeezed with Yvette Nicole Brown

Episode Title: Caring For Her Kid, Her Parents and Herself
Date: September 11, 2024
Host: Yvette Nicole Brown
Guest: Sade (with appearances from parents Celia and Marvin)
Producer: Lemonada Media

Overview

In this deeply personal episode, host Yvette Nicole Brown introduces Sade, a 34-year-old mother and multi-generational caregiver in New Jersey. The conversation explores the daily realities, emotional burdens, and financial obstacles faced by caregivers. Sade’s experience, spanning caring for her young daughter and her aging, medically vulnerable parents, reflects a broader crisis of care in the United States and tests the limits of resilience, family love, and self-preservation.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Family Dynamics and Joyful Moments

• [00:26–01:19] Sade, her husband, daughter, and her parents (Celia and Marvin) enjoy Saturday game nights to escape the cycle of caregiving and medical duties—a temporary reprieve where laughter and music prevail.
• Quote:
  • Sade: "Sometimes so much of my identity gets wrapped up in being a caregiver. Sometimes it's just nice to sit around the table and play board games and have fun and think about moments that are funny and make us laugh, sort of those like, pockets of relief almost." [02:26]

Layered Responsibilities

• [01:19–02:43] Sade balances her own needs (managing rheumatoid arthritis) with ensuring her mother takes heart meds and her father his prostate cancer treatment. Only then does she tend to herself.
• Quote:
  • Sade: "If I don't do it, then who else will? We don't live in a country where we have the sustainable, equitable, affordable options that would allow me to not be that person." [01:41]

The Cost of Childcare and Work

• [05:50–07:24] After the unexpected birth of her daughter, Sade and her husband struggle to afford childcare. Her company did not legally owe her paid leave, which increased stress and financial pressure.
• Quote:
  • Sade: "They made it very clear that they didn’t have to do this. Almost like they were doing me a favor. And it felt terrible and I felt stressed…I ended up doing like a six week recovery and the bills on top of that, you know, post pregnancy and during paid leave when not all of it was fully paid, was a hard time for us." [06:42]

When Life Changes Overnight

• [08:11–09:44] Sade's mother's heart attack while caring for her granddaughter forced Sade into even more demanding caregiver responsibilities. Her family provides support, but she becomes "the plan" and infrastructure.
• Quote:
  • Sade: "But the plan was me. I was the plan. That was the infrastructure." [08:39]

Systems and Organization — Survival Through Structure

• [11:19–13:28] Sade uses 27 phone alarms and color-coded routines to juggle appointments, duties, and medication schedules for three generations.
• Quote:
  • Sade: "I do a lot of multitasking. I often think about the most effective route to solve something quickly, and I apply that to everything... balancing my time, balancing what we have to do in the home, like literally anything." [12:11]
  • Yvette Nicole Brown: "There's a plaque on Sade's desk at home that perfectly summarizes her ability to get stuff done. It reads: Goddess of Efficiency. And even though Sade deserves it, I wish that she didn't have to embody it 24/7." [13:28]

Compounding Medical Crises and Financial Strain

• [14:22–15:37] Both Sade’s parents face new diagnoses and recurrences of cancer, forcing her to constantly adjust family routines and take on new roles. Financial outlays are staggering: $15,000/year on childcare, $24,000/year on home care, not including medical equipment and necessities.
• Quote:
  • Sade: "I haven't sat down to count it because if I sit down to count it, I'll cry." [15:14]

Silver Linings Amid Hardship

• [16:01–17:21] Marvin receives long-overdue compensation for 9/11-related cancer, and there’s hope to downsize to a more manageable home. Family humor and resilience shine through even bleak news.
• Quote:
  • Marvin: "So I did get good news today. I'm gonna have one of my checks before I die." [16:01]
  • Celia (responding to the idea of "a light at the end of the tunnel"): "My light is not an oncoming train." [17:09]

Caregivers’ Health and Intergenerational Guilt

• [18:06–22:51] Sade’s mother minimizes her own crises; Sade does the same with her own chronic illness (RA). Both hide suffering out of guilt and love—for each other and their families. Sade worries about modeling self-sacrifice for her daughter, wishing for caregiving to be a choice, not a mandate born from gaps in social and economic support.
• Quote:
  • Sade: "I don't think I have a choice. I think that there is no real system or infrastructure to support us, so we have to make those sort of impossible choices. There have been times where I've had to choose between, well, do I pay my medical bill now or do I pay my parents? And I don't think that that's a fair system to have her inherit." [20:17]
  • Yvette Nicole Brown: "You have spent so much of your life caring for so many people. The sadness and concern… I know it's for you, but I feel like this is mostly because you're like, what's everybody gonna do if I'm not able to be me?" [21:42]
  • Sade: "My mom is the person who was the me... I think that she feels a lot of guilt around the fact that she is making me do these things and be that person and she cannot contribute. So then when I can't contribute, I feel bad about making her feel bad about needing things." [22:17]

Systemic Issues and the Need for Change

• [23:08–25:21] Sade and Yvette reflect on the cultural, political, and systemic causes of caregiver burnout, stressing the need for social safety nets and policy intervention.
• Quotes:
  • Sade: "The reason why our loved ones and our family members have to fill in these gaps is because political leaders haven't funded the long term systems and supports in this country and that the systems that are currently in place are restrictive and crumbling." [23:08]
  • Yvette Nicole Brown (referencing sociologist Jessica Calarco): "'Other countries have social safety nets. The US has women.' When unexpected challenges pop up, it shouldn't just be up to people like Sade to be the plan." [25:21]
  • Sade (advice to her past self): "Give yourself grace because it is not your fault. We can figure a version of OK out, but we're not going to get a picture perfect moment here." [24:17]

Memorable Moments

• Sade describing her role: "But the plan was me. That was the infrastructure." [08:39]
• Marvin’s dark humor and optimism about his benefit check: "I'm gonna have one of my checks before I die." [16:01]
• On generational patterns of self-sacrifice: Sade reveals how her mother modeled selfless caregiving, and now both struggle under the emotional weight of not being able to do it all for others [22:17].
• Laughing through adversity: Celia and Marvin’s banter about light at the end of the tunnel keeps their spirits up [17:09].
• Yvette’s rallying call for action: "Caregivers are the backbone of our economy and they should be treated as such." [25:21]

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Sade on the lack of options:

  "We don't live in a country where we have the sustainable, equitable, affordable options that would allow me to not be that person." [01:41]

• On 'being the plan':

  "But the plan was me. I was the plan. That was the infrastructure." [08:39]

• Costs of care:

  "We spend 15,000 a year on childcare, maybe 24,000 for home care... I haven’t sat down to count it because if I sit down to count it, I’ll cry." [15:14]

• Generational reflection:

  "I want [caregiving] to be a choice because I don't think that I have that now, but I want [my daughter] to have that." [19:39]

• Advice to her younger self:

  "Give yourself grace because it is not your fault. We can figure a version of OK out, but we're not going to get a picture perfect moment here." [24:17]

• Yvette on the social burden:

  "'Other countries have social safety nets. The US has women.'" [25:21]

Conclusion

This episode paints a vivid, affecting portrait of what it means to be a caregiver in America: the blessings, the heartbreaks, and the insidious toll of systemic neglect. Sade’s story is both singular and universal, echoing the silent sacrifices of millions. Through honesty, humor, and palpable love, this episode calls for recognition, policy change, and new norms of collective support—so that caring for our families doesn’t mean sacrificing ourselves.