The Sandwich Generation in Quicksand

Summary

Podcast Summary: Squeezed with Yvette Nicole Brown

Episode: The Sandwich Generation in Quicksand
Date: August 21, 2024
Host: Yvette Nicole Brown (Lemonada Media)
Series Theme: Real-life experiences and challenges of caregivers in America

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Episode Overview

In the premiere of Season 2, Yvette Nicole Brown explores the universal joys and hardships of caregiving, focusing on the "sandwich generation"—adults simultaneously caring for aging parents and raising children. Through the lens of Stephanie Whittles Wax, Lemonada Media co-founder, and her family's journey with her father's Parkinson's, the episode reveals how caregiving shapes family dynamics, emotional well-being, and practical realities. The conversation is honest, emotional, and often laced with humor, giving voice to feelings of exhaustion, isolation, guilt, joy, love, and hope.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Caregiving’s Universality and Complexity

• Statistic: 53 million Americans provide unpaid care daily ([00:56]).
• Both Yvette and Stephanie share their firsthand experiences caring for their fathers, highlighting how caregiving can unexpectedly reshape every aspect of one's life—work, finances, relationships, and health.

Notable Quote:

"At some point in each one of our lives, we're gonna need care or we'll have to take care of someone else."
— Yvette Nicole Brown [01:13]

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2. Introducing Stephanie’s Family and Dynamics

• Stephanie, her husband Mike, their two young children, and her parents Mo and Ellison live in close proximity in a small California town ([05:09]).
• Her dad, Ellison, is 81 and has lived in a nursing home near them for two years due to Parkinson's.
• The family maintains warmth and humor amid heavy circumstances, often gathering for meals and family activities.

Memorable Moment:

"What are you guys making?" [05:48]
"Pancakes with cinnamon. Dinner."
— Stephanie & Mo

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3. Challenges of the Sandwich Generation

• More than half of Americans in their 40s are "squeezed" between caring for kids and aging parents ([07:26]).
• Stephanie describes her life as a "mess," noting constant juggling and negotiation for everyday logistics, appointments, and needs ([07:58]).

Key Insight:

• Despite the heaviness brought by illness and grief (including the loss of Stephanie's brother, comedian Harris Whittles, to overdose), the family strives for lightness and connection.

Notable Quote:

"I'm a good juggler. I'm a good balancer. There's a lot of balls in the air at any given time..."
— Stephanie Whittles Wax [08:04]

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4. The Impact of Illness and Grief

• Ellison’s health declined rapidly after Harris’s death; Parkinson’s symptoms compounded his grief ([09:57]).
• Steph recounts the fast progression from diagnosis to disability, reflecting on how losing health and independence has transformed her dad and the whole family ([10:37]).

Memorable Moment:

"He was a good life of the party... and then, boom, my brother died, he gets this diagnosis, he retires. All of these happened in such quick succession..."
— Stephanie Whittles Wax [10:54]

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5. Realities of Daily Care and Emergency Moments

• The practical difficulties and emotional toll are candidly discussed. Stephanie narrates a call when her dad fell out of bed and didn’t have his nurse call button ([12:23]).
• Even during emergencies, humor persists:

"He's still making jokes. Let's check your vital signs, Mr. Whittles." — Stephanie [13:33]

Insightful Reflection:

• Both Yvette and Stephanie describe the role reversal as children become caregivers, mourning lost relationships while adjusting to new realities ([14:17]).

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6. The Cost and Decisions of Long-term Care

• Ellison’s nursing home costs over $7,000/month, temporarily covered by long-term care insurance ([21:21]).
• Yvette points out the growing complexity and inaccessibility of such insurance, with future financial uncertainties looming ([21:59]).

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7. Emotional Impact on Spouses and Family

• Mo (Stephanie’s mom) describes feeling like a “married widow” – physically separated from her husband by illness and geography.
• The loneliness and sense of limbo is palpable:

"I'm kind of like a married widow, honestly... I'm just lonely. I can't... It's just hard. I'm just lonely."
— Mo [20:39]

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8. Resident and Staff Relationships in Nursing Care

• Nurse Jackie recounts the bond formed with Ellison and the unique challenges of caregiving—both in terms of trust and the practical realities of falls and limited mobility ([23:41]).
• The facility itself has declined under corporate ownership, reducing care quality and community engagement, prompting the family to seek a new option ([26:47]).

Notable Quote:

"Socialization is such a part of health for the elderly population. They don’t have that... where my dad is right now, he is in his room shut in by himself the entire day."
— Stephanie Whittles Wax [26:26]

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9. Coping Mechanisms and the Importance of Presence

• Stephanie describes compartmentalizing and “future tripping,” referencing her late brother Harris’s advice to “just have to deal with today” ([29:01]).
• Yvette’s Reflection: Even amidst uncertainty, maintaining hope, humor, and grace is essential.

Memorable Closing Quote:

"We can hold each other up. And if the worst thing happens, we will be okay."
— Stephanie Whittles Wax [29:44]

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Notable Quotes & Moments with Timestamps

• Humor in Hardship:
  "Parkinson's is a mother."
  — Stephanie Whittles Wax [00:08]
  "Same with dementia, baby."
  — Yvette Nicole Brown [00:16]

• Caregiving’s Duality:
  "Caring is also joyful...But that doesn't mean I don't have moments where I want to wrap myself in a blanket... and be responsible for absolutely no one else for five days."
  — Yvette Nicole Brown [02:47]

• Resilience:
  "I have proof that we can make it through. I have proof that we can hold each other up. And if the worst thing happens, we will be okay."
  — Stephanie Whittles Wax [29:36]

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Important Timestamps

• Introduction and Statistics: [00:56]
• Stephanie introduces her family: [05:09]
• Care facility realities and the "slow fall": [12:23]
• Mo’s loneliness and financial realities: [20:39]
• Decline of care facility & need for new options: [26:47]
• Future-tripping & resilience: [29:01]

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Tone and Language

Throughout, the episode is candid, conversational, and often laced with dark humor. Both Yvette and Stephanie balance raw honesty about pain and exhaustion with stories of love, laughter, and hope. Neither shies away from the hard truths—aging, loss, broken systems—while also highlighting everyday joys and resilience.

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Episode Takeaways

• Caregiving is a universal, unpredictable, and often isolating journey that affects individuals mentally, emotionally, and financially.
• The sandwich generation faces unique pressures, balancing multigenerational care with their own needs.
• Laughter, honesty, and support—both from family and professional caregivers—are crucial to get through difficult days.
• Systemic issues in healthcare and long-term care urgently need attention.
• “Quit future-tripping. Just deal with today.” The only way through is together, one day at a time.

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Transcript

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Lemonade.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

So Parkinson's is a mother.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Same with dementia, baby. Same with dementia.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

Oh my God, it is. I hate it.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Stephanie Whittles Wax is a well known name around here. Steph co founded Lemonada Media and hosts the popular show Last Day about all the sad stuff that brings us together. She's also a mom of two and one of the primary caregivers to her dad, Ellison, who has Parkinson's. Caregiving is no surprises here. Hard work, and it's universal. At some point in each one of our lives, we're gonna need care or we'll have to take care of someone else. Did you know that in the US at least 53 million people provide unpaid care every day? 53 million. And when caregiving is unpaid and unexpected, it can throw us off balance and force us to rethink everything we have going on. Family, friends, work, finances, the medical system, all of it. But caring is also joyful. And I should know. I'm Eyvette Nicole Brown, Writer, producer, actress, on screen and even on Broadway for a hot workshop. Second, I'm also the host of this series, Squeezed. Now, you might know me from a little show called Community, where I played busybody Shirley Bennett for five seasons. We're sorry we embarrassed you and looked at your prophylactic equipment. Your lifestyle mistakes are none of our business.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

Oh, thanks, Shirley.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

But what you might not know about me is that I'm a full time caregiver for my dad, Omar. He has Alzheimer's and he's a big part of why I chose to host this series. In 2012, I was back home in Cleveland visiting my family. We were at my Aunt Mickey's house cooking dinner, and my dad was driving to meet us. I remember him calling me, saying, yvette, I don't know where I am or where I'm going. He sounded really confused. Dad had gotten lost on the way over. Even though he had been making that same drive for decades, I knew something was going on with him that he couldn't control. So I told myself that as soon as I got a break from Community, I was gonna go home and get my dad. About a year later, after Community's cancellation, well, exactly three days after Community's cancellation, I found myself back in Cleveland, packing up his apartment to move him out to Los Angeles to live with me. I'll never forget how weary and frail and small he looked when I first got there. His hair and beard were so overgrown. He looked like Father Time from the old Rankin and Bass Christmas cartoons. Seeing him like that broke my heart. But I knew it was gonna get better. I recently celebrated 10 years of looking after my dad full time. I say celebrated because it's truly been a gift to be able to be there for him the way he was for me when I was a kid. And we have fun. But that doesn't mean that I don't have those moments where I wan wrap myself up in a big blanket, put on my bonnet for the night and be responsible for absolutely no one else for five days. At the very least in this series, I'll be speaking with caregivers across the country like me and you, or future you, about the dramatic and also very normal moments we experience every day while caring for our loved ones.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

How do I love this as much as I do and give it the passion that I want to give it while still not neglecting the rest of my life?

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

My mom doesn't need me to be running around and creating all the things my mom actually needs me to be. Sitting next to her and holding her hand.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

Daddy, I miss you.

[Mo (Steph's mom)]

I miss you too.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

There are jokes, there is laughter, there's beauty, there's joy. There's also sadness and tears. But there's also like, awe.

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

There's always a light at the end of the tunnel.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

At the end of the tunnel.

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

But we hope it's not an oncoming train.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

No, I know it's not an oncoming train.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

This is squeezed. I'm your host, Yvette Nicole Brown. Episode 1 Meet Steph.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

Okay, what did we just do?

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

We hiked.

[Nurse Jackie]

How far?

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

4,500 steps. Really? Not that consequential.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

Are we out of breath?

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Of course.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

So middle aged, what did you start taking a week ago, Mike? A cholesterol med?

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

Yeah, and now I'm all backed up. Okay, well, you want the real? I'll give you it.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Those people gasping for breath are Steph and her husband Mike, a graphic designer who just recently became a stay at home dad. Steph and Mike are in their 40s and have two kids, Iris, 10, and Harry, 6. They live in a picturesque small town on the central coast of California with a lot going for it, like a monarch butterfly sanctuary and a park called Lovers Point. Steph's mom and dad, Mo and Ellison, live there too, and they all spend a whole lot of time together. On any night of the week, Mo's hanging out at Steph's house playing Legos with Harry, helping Iris organize her room for the hundredth time. Or prepping dinner.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

What are you guys making?

[Mo (Steph's mom)]

Pancakes with cinnamon. Dinner.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

Dinner. It's Dinner. It's dinner. Pancakes. Breakfast. For dinner. How many pancakes are you gonna make? 5 or 14. Yeah, or 14. Same. You can never have too many pancakes. You can never. That's what I always say.

[Mo (Steph's mom)]

Depends on how big you want them to be.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

Too gooey and plump. Gooey and plump.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

But because of Ellison's Parkinson's, he isn't able to be as present in those everyday moments. Ellison, who's 81, has been living in a nearby nursing home for the past two years. Nearby as in Steph can wave to the building from her driveway.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

Okay, let's go in and see. Bapa, look who is showered and sitting in a chair.

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

It's like a real person.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

Well, your granddaughter came to share something with you.

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

Oh, hi, baby. How are you?

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

I'm good.

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

You look wonderful.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

Thank you.

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

You're welcome.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

I have a surprise for you.

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

I love surprises. What do you got there for me, sweetie? I advanced. You advanced?

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Yeah.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

She's in the next round.

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

Really?

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

How'll the spelling bee?

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

Isn't that wonderful? Congratulations.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

I love that you're watching Bravo. When did this start?

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

I just was going through the channels.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

This is what you should be watching. This is entertainment.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

You might see parts of yourself and Steph. You know, two kids, a demanding job, caring for an aging parent. It turns out more than half of all Americans in their 40s are part of what's known as the sandwich generation. This means they're squeezed between two generations, their kids and their parents. Being the go to person for our aging parents is something Steph and I have in common. So we got on a video call to talk about it. Now the world knows her as the queen of darkness and light. But I wanted to know how she saw herself.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

It's so funny. Who am I to myself? The first thing that came in my mind was a mess.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

I'm a mess.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

I mean. I mean, it's like the queen of darkness and life, no? Just trying to get through every moment of the day. Yeah, I'm a good juggler. I'm a good balancer. There's a lot of balls in the air at any given time. And Mike and I do a lot of negotiation around. Well, I need to go here, and you're taking Iris here, and I'm taking Harry here. Mom, come in the house for 10 minutes. I'll be right back. I gotta run to the store. Harry, you know he has so many OT appointment. He has an OT appointment on Friday mornings. He has an OT appointment that he calls friend. Ot. That's like working on social Skills. He has a swimming lesson on Thursday, which is also, like, part of his physicality. Iris, she's decided she is a woman of the stage. So now, you know, she wants to do musical theater two different places, and dance and singing and vocal lessons. Da, da da. And we are a family. I think that pedals in mutual adoration and fun and love. And a lot of stuff has been really heavy, I would say, over the last decade. But you don't get that vibe when you're in the room. It's mostly laughter, jokes, voices, dancing, singing, lots of music. With my parents, I. Yeah, you know, with my dad, it's. I'm always worried and trying to make sure he's okay. And my mom is, like, finally coming out of a real darkness. I think a real sense of loss of her son. And she's like, I'm gonna get a tattoo that says, if not now, when I'm like, go, yes, Mo, do it, do it. She's really thriving, and I love that for her. And my dad isn't, and I hate that for him.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

In 2015, the family lost Steph's little brother, Harris Whittles, to a heroin overdose. Harris was already a successful comedian, and he was just 30 years old. Everyone grieved Harris in their own way. Steph wrote a book, and Mo started a support group in Houston, where they used to live. But Ellison's grief was solitary, and it ate him up. Three years later, Ellison started showing signs of Parkinson's. Tremors, muscle stiffness, feeling off balance, symptoms that tend to get worse over time. And now he's become wheelchair bound and can barely stand on his own.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

My dad was in pretty good health for somebody who lived life largely and how he wanted to for 75 years. I mean, he really. He drank, he ate lots of red meat, he smoked. He was just like, I'm gonna do whatever I want whenever I want. And he was a doctor, you know, I mean, he was like.

[Nurse Jackie]

He was.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

He was a good life of the party. He was a dancer. He was. We would be at restaurants. He would steal desserts off the dessert sample tray. He would take musicians, violins and start playing them. I mean, he was like, you know, he was good at living his life in many ways. And then, boom, my brother died, he gets this diagnosis, he retires. All of these happened in such quick succession, and any one of those on their own is a risk factor for falling into depression. So, anyway, the disease has really, I think, in the last couple of years, I saw that it got worse. And then once he Got into the care facility.

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

I don't know.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

Now he really is having trouble. He cannot walk. He cannot get up on his own. And he's been falling a lot. And every time he falls, he gets more scared to try to walk. So it immobilizes him more and it's a vicious cycle. I was just talking to my dad driving home, and he said that he fell out of the bed. He doesn't have his button to press for the nurse. So I'm glad I was on the phone because now I just did a sharp turn to Come here.

[Nurse Jackie]

Fuck.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

Holy shit. Dad, what happened?

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

Well, I was talking to you and I rolled too far.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

Okay, hold on. I'm gonna go get the nurse. Just hold on, hold on, hold on.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Hi.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

My dad fell out of his bed. He's on the floor. Dr. Whittles.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Oh, gosh. I was coming in to see him.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

Yeah.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

What did you hear on the other line? What was going through your mind at that moment as you're racing to him?

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

He doesn't want to put anyone out. He doesn't want to be a burden.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

He doesn't want to use you. Yeah, see how that works?

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

Pot, kettle.

[Mo (Steph's mom)]

Yes.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

Yes, check. But he fell out of bed. But it was the slowest, most like, silent fall. And so he said, I just fell. I just fell out of the bed.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

I was like, what?

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

I said, dad, press the button and get the nurse in there. I don't know where it is. So I just booked it, you know, ran up and you can hear on the thing. He's still making jokes. Let's check your vital signs, Mr. Whittles.

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

Okay.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

And then what's his. 82 is the heart rate.

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

This is the best it's been of all time.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

Well, that's pathetic.

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

Well, I need to pull out the bed more.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

No, you don't. You know, you just wanted all these girls to come around and hang out. Isn't that.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Mr. Widdles? Your dad is a delight.

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

What am I gonna do now? What am I gonna do?

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

Okay, we're gonna try to get you out most of the time. I mean, it was. It was sad. He was. He fell in a really uncomfortable position on top of this table. And he had peed all over the floor when he fell, so he was just sitting there in it. And it's just really hard to see your dad that way.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

For people in Steph's position and mine, you never forget the moments when reality starts to sink in. It's tough to see the person who taught you how to Eat, walk, read, and write in such a vulnerable position. I so vividly remember similar moments with my own dad. One time, he fell like Ellison did. I turned my head for one second and my dad was busy trying to use his eating tray as a step stool to look out the window, but it cracked under his weight and he fell backwards. It was a gentle tush first landing, and because of his Alzheimer's, he didn't even know what was going on. But I was horrified. Now, instead of them guiding you through life, it's the other way around. You're mourning the relationship you used to have and coming to terms with the inevitability of a more permanent loss. That can take a lot of getting used to. But until that day, all we can do is show up and love our people with everything we've got. When it's easy and when it's tough. Which is exactly what Steph does for her dad. We'll be back after the break.

[Mo (Steph's mom)]

Foreign.

[James Corden]

Hello, I'm James Corden, and on my new show, this Life of Mine, I sit down each week with some of the most fascinating people on planet Earth. From Dr. Dre to Julianne Moore to David Beckham to Cynthia Erivo to Martin Scorsese to Jeremy Renner to Denzel Washington to Kim Kardashian. We talk about the people, places, people, possessions, music, and memories that made them who they are. These are intimate conversations full of stories that you've never heard before. This Life of Mine premieres October 21st. Wherever you get your podcasts.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

The team wants me to ask you about your Parkinson's.

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

I don't have Parkinson's.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

You don't have it? I mean, why are you lying on the microphone?

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

I have Parkinson's. It's okay. I have Parkinson's.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

What's the most frustrating part about it?

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

Not being able to move about as I want.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

Are you happy?

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

That's not the point.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

Ah.

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

The point is to get through.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

Are you content to get through what?

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

Whatever I'm trying to get through.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

You're trying to get to the end.

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

Yeah.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

How do you think that Parkinson's has affected our relationship?

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

Well, I think it's. It's caused to become more. Less spontaneous.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

Yeah. We can't go do stuff that sucks.

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

That is the hardest part.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

I really hate you not being able to be with us.

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

That's the hard part.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

Yeah, it's really hard.

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

I think that's the hardest part is being isolated.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Every few days, Steph visits her dad at the nursing home a couple of blocks from her house. Sometimes her kids, Iris and Harry, will join. There's a hot chocolate machine at the entrance of the nursing home that they adore. Other days, Ellison's wife, Mo, will visit. Mo has this great Southern accent and the kind of warm and open energy you just want to be around. Like Steph, she also lives down the street from the nursing home. Pretty soon, she'll even be moving into a unit in Steph's backyard. Adjusting to this lifestyle change has been hard on everyone. But imagine being in Mo's shoes for over 40 years. She shared a home and a life with the person she loves. In Parkinson's is slowly chipping away at all of that.

[Mo (Steph's mom)]

He doesn't. He's not with us anymore. Physically, he's not with us. One night in the middle of the night, I had to call Stephanie over because he was stiff and he couldn't get on or off the bed. And she came over and she said, mom, you know, it's. You gotta. You gotta think about this now, putting him somewhere, because you can't do it anymore.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

And Mo listened. When Steph and Mike decided to trade their big city life in Houston, Texas, for the small town life in California, Mo and Ellison followed. The plan was to stay close together and find a nursing home that could take better care of Ellison as his Parkinson's worsened.

[Mo (Steph's mom)]

I can't tell you what it was like the first day that I brought him there with that suitcase. That's terrible to have to do that. But he was willing to go because he's, first of all, the nicest person you'd ever meet. And he felt like it was maybe killing me at that point, that it just was. I couldn't do it.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

My dad, he was never gung ho about it. I mean, he knew it made sense. Here's the thing. He's a logical, practical man. So he understood that he was too frail and required more care than she was able to give him. And also, he's so in love with her and wants nothing more than to be in her presence all the time.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Oh, my gosh. That is so. The dichotomy is.

[Mo (Steph's mom)]

I know.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

And my mom is, like, ripping her hair out. So it's really important to note, before we left, my dad was already really declining. He was spending all of his time in bed. And by the time we all got to California, things had really reached a fever pitch. Yeah, it was rough. And I think because I was there seeing it and how bad it had all gotten, it felt like, if we can get him into somewhere where he will have round the clock care with nurses who can come and help him when he falls. And, you know, maybe this will help his quality of life. If my mom isn't badgering him to take his pills.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Yes, yes.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

Badgering him to take a shower. And I like.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

She was on edge. Mo was on edge.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

It was a chance. She was. Yeah, it was real tense.

[Mo (Steph's mom)]

My vision of Ellison and I was, he would retire and we would travel. We've taken some amazing trips together. That's gone. That was gone a long time ago. So I'm kind of like a married widow, honestly, because I am in nowhere land. I have a husband who I love dearly, but I can't really have a life other than, you know, that I can't. And it's just hard. It's just hard. I'm just lonely. I can't. I can't explain it any other way. It's a lonely situation.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

There can be a lot of loneliness in being a caregiver for Mo. This distance has a high price tag. Room and board, plus all the care Ellison receives at the nursing home is over $7,000 a month for the next three years. All of these costs are covered by a long term care insurance plan that he and Mo bought back in the day. According to stuff, that's what grade A worrying will get ya. Now, if you've already pulled out your phone to search how to buy long term care, you should know that it's not so popular anymore because costs have skyrocketed and so have the scams. And these plans have an expiration date even though Ellison is covered for now, the family will have to think of a plan B once those three years are up. But even when you're trying to budget for next steps, there are so many other costs you couldn't have predicted. More on that after the break.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

Okay. All right. Hello.

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

Hello.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

How are you feeling today?

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

About like usual, which is not so good.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

It's just how you. It's just your baseline. Baseline just don't feel good.

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

No.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

How does it feel to wake up every day and feel bad?

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

Used to it by now.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

Any descriptors?

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

No. It's kind of bleak. Food's monotonous. The people are monotonous. It's all monotonous.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

You don't like it here?

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

No. I mean, I can't really do anything. I can't go anywhere. Just what you expect when you get old.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

How old are you?

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

You know, I was trying to figure that whether I was 71 or 81. I can't figure it out. Oh, My God, dad, that's only 10 years difference.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

You're 81.

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

I'm 81.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

Yeah, 71.

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

Good try.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

How do you like the staff here?

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

Staff is good. I like the staff.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

Who do you like the most?

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

Jackie?

[Nurse Jackie]

Your dad? I don't see him as a resident. I see him as, like. I want to say, like my grandpa.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

That's Nurse Jackie.

[Nurse Jackie]

He's not comfortable with anyone I know. And somehow he got comfortable with me and he started trusting me. And, you know, sometimes your dad's my counselor or he's my cupid. He'll, you know, when we call 911, he'll look at a fiverr. He'll like, be like, oh, that one.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

That one.

[Nurse Jackie]

You know, Date.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Yes. When Jackie's working the night shift, she's doing it solo. So when Ellison falls, she has to call the fire department to help her lift him back into bed. That's when Ellison gets to play cupid.

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

Did you like those firemen who came last night?

[Nurse Jackie]

You see what I'm telling you? But, yeah, I. I love your dad. He's one of my favorite residents here.

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

Did you like the farm? Any of the firemen?

[Nurse Jackie]

No, they were too old for me.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

Dad, it was like, what, three in the morning?

[Nurse Jackie]

Yes, it was.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

Yeah.

[Nurse Jackie]

Everybody loves you, even though you give us a hard time. He's very, very stubborn. He doesn't like asking for help.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

I know.

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

So, never have been in favor of asking for help. The trouble is that I'm always worried. I'm worried about falling.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

I know you are. I know.

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

So, as a result, I don't walk as much. And because I don't walk as much, I have more risk of falling.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

That's right. It's like a snake eating its own tail.

[Ellison (Steph's dad)]

That's right.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

So tell me this. Once the decision's made, what was it like walking into the home with him for the first time and realizing this may be where he is forever? I mean, again, I don't have kids, but I could imagine it's a little bit like taking your baby to first grade or kindergarten for the first time. Will they like it there? Will they find friends? Is it like that as we talk about a sandwich generation?

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

Yes. And it's like, look, dad, there's bridge every Thursday. Dad, there's a library. You love to read. You know, there's a piano happy hour happening. You like drinking, you know, I mean, it was just like, ba ba ba ba da ba. It was just trying to, like, make him feel good about it, you know, and, like, doing the tap Dance. And knowing full well that it wasn't gonna be great.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Turns out Steph was right.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

It's not.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Okay.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

We're in it again. We're. Here we go. Starting over.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

A little over a month after our conversation, things took a turn for the worse at the care facility, and Ellison's health started declining fast.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

Socialization is such a part of health for the elderly population. They don't have that. Where my dad is right now, he is in his room shut in by himself the entire day. And so I'm seeing not only, like, the care sort of decrease, but the entire sort of philosophy of the place is kind of flawed.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

About a year ago, the facility was bought by a big corporation, and it's been making some pretty drastic changes. According to Steph, that includes changes to its resources and staff. And much of the staff aren't happy. Steph and Mo aren't happy either. They want to get Ellison out of there. So now they have to start the rigmarole of finding the right care home for Ellison all over again.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

I get my balance, I adjust, and then I get sucked into quicksand again. And I. I'm like a gross compartmentalizer now. I mean, you just have to file it away and keep going. You can't think too hard about it, because then you'll just break down. And who has the time for that? When you're in it, you're just putting one foot in front of the other and doing whatever you need to do to get through each day. But it's like the kind of hard keeps shifting and raising small children and being in a marriage and having elderly parents. No one can say I'm just living in the moment. You can't live in the moment. You can please show me how to be present. And that is something I struggle with constantly as a mother who is running a business and working and working constantly. Like, I. How. How is any of this happening? You know, how is it working?

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Yes.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

And we get through the day, and we all have dinner, and we do bedtime, and I get to see Mike, and then I get to watch the stories for a little bit, and then I fall asleep with the laptop open. Yeah, it's hard. And also, we're fine.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Yeah. You know what's interesting in hearing you tell the story of your family. You're unshakable. And the thing that I love about hearing about how you all show up for each other is that there's been so much tough stuff, but your determination to see this through to the end, I love it. And in that, I want to wrap up with something your brother Harris often would say. He would say, quit future tripping. You just have to deal with today. That's the best we can do. Those are words to live by. So how do you try to live by this? These great words that Harris said?

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

It's hard. It's really hard. I'm wired to future trip, and I feel like the last 10 years for me has been an exercise in, like, what you just said in a different way, which is, I have proof that we have survived.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Yeah.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

I have proof that we can make it through. I have proof that we can hold each other up. And if the worst thing happens, we will be okay.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

Right.

[Stephanie Whittles Wax]

And I'm just lucky. I mean, I have the best people in my family. I have to just, like, be present and look at Mike and look at my kids and look at my mom and look at my dad and just say, we're going to be all right.

[Yvette Nicole Brown]

I know Steph and her family are going to be all right. To me, this series is one small part of the larger cultural shift towards recognizing caregivers as the backbone of our country. Those who care make everything else possible. I also see it as part of a mental shift for me personally. Back in April, my dad, Omar, fell again. This time, he broke his hip and had to spend months recovering in a nursing rehab facility, not in the comfort of our home. It's almost poetic that this shift happened when it did. I mean, my dad and I were being squeezed by life in the middle of recording a podcast that mirrors what this is all about. And just like Steph's family, we're not sure what's going to happen, but that's caregiving. It's messy and sacrificial and time consuming and sometimes scary and unfair. And it's important to speak up about all of it, the hardships and the joys. And I just hope the more we shine a light on it, the more help we can get to face our country's crumbling, broken system of care. If you aren't angry yet, you just aren't paying attention. Because as I said earlier, it's gonna affect you, too, in some way someday. But I'm also here to remind you that as tough as it all sounds, there's still a lot of hope. Over the next seven episodes, we'll be listening to the realities of people who care in America at every stage of life. We have so much more to cover, but I gotta keep some of it in my back pocket for now. Keep those plates spinning embrace the music of humor and try to extend grace to yourself. Honey, this is Squeezed. I'm your host Yvette Nicole Brown. There's more Squeezed with Lemonada Premium subscribe subscribers get exclusive access to bonus content like previously unheard clips from all our voices in this series. Subscribe now on Apple Podcasts. Squeezed is a Lemonada Media original. I'm your host, Yvette Nicole Brown. Crystal Genesis is our senior producer. Julia York, Tess Novotny and Hannah Boomershine are our producers. Ivan Kurayev is our engineer. Our theme music is by Andy, Kristen's daughter, with additional music by APM Music. Jackie Danziger is our VP of Narrative Content. Executive producers are me, Yvette Nicole Brown, Jessica Cordova Kramer and Stephanie Whittles. Wax this show was created in partnership with the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, a leading national philanthropy dedicated to taking bold leaps to transform health in our lifetime and pave the way together to a future where health is no longer a privilege, but a right. Follow Squeezed wherever you get your podcasts or listen. Ad free on Amazon Music with your prime membership.