Skills Sprint: How to Learn From Feedback (Even When It’s Uncomfortable)

Summary

Squiggly Careers Podcast – Skills Sprint: How to Learn From Feedback (Even When It’s Uncomfortable)

Hosts: Sarah Ellis and Helen Tupper
Date: January 20, 2026
Episode Theme: Embracing the discomfort of feedback for career growth

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Episode Overview

This episode focuses on how to transform uncomfortable feedback moments into powerful opportunities for personal and professional development. Sarah and Helen discuss the value of "learning in hard moments," introduce practical frameworks for navigating tough feedback conversations, and share personal stories to illuminate why embracing feedback—even when it’s tough—is essential for growing in our “squiggly careers.”

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The "Lobster" Analogy: Growth Through Vulnerability

• Helen introduces the metaphor of a lobster shedding its shell to highlight growth through vulnerability.
  • "Lobsters grow the most when they shed their shell...It’s an energy-zapping process...they become vulnerable, but when the shell grows back, it’s bigger and stronger than before. We think this is learning." (00:14–00:41, Helen)
• Sarah underscores that learning doesn’t have to wait until after hard moments; it can and should happen during them.
  • "What we have really challenged ourselves to think about is learning in that hard moment. So, do you know what, this is hard. I might as well learn at the same time because it'll be worth it." (01:14–01:36, Sarah)

2. Why Feedback Feels So Hard

• Feedback, whether asking, giving, or receiving, is universally intimidating.
  • Sarah notes that just mentioning feedback to groups elicits dread and humorously negative reactions: "You get people hiding. They're like, I'm going to get fired." (01:50–01:54, Sarah)
  • Helen admits her biggest fear is giving feedback, worrying about damaging relationships and falling into people-pleasing traps. (02:26–02:49, Helen)
  • Sarah’s personal challenge is receiving feedback that might "confirm the worst things you already think about yourself." (02:49–03:13, Sarah)
• Highlighted quote:
  • "When we shield ourselves from feedback, we stop growing." — Brene Brown (03:24, Sarah referencing Brene Brown)

3. Feedback as a Critical Skill in Self-Awareness and Progress

• Feedback is not just about performance management—it's a habit crucial for career growth.
  • "We know that self-awareness is understanding yourself and understanding how other people see you, too." (03:54, Sarah)

4. The ‘Say the Hard Thing’ Framework

Helen introduces a four-part structure from their book for difficult conversations:

1. Start with an open question
   • Don’t jump straight to the hard message; ask open, curious questions.
2. Acknowledge their response
   • Show you’ve heard and appreciated their perspective.
3. Say the hard thing
   • Deliver the message, but nuance it with what you’ve learned from the conversation so far.
4. Involve the person
   • Make the process collaborative: it’s the start, not the end, of a dialogue. - "If you don't share that message, it's probably going to get in the way of someone else's growth—and your growth, too." (04:14–04:32, Helen)

5. Building Psychological Safety for ‘Say the Hard Thing’ at Work

• Sarah references Margaret Heflin's research: "85% of people have concerns at work that they don't talk about." (05:43, Sarah)
• The framework isn't a rigid template but an adaptable approach—often, these conversations evolve over several interactions.
  • "Sometimes I’ve just used the open question and acknowledge, and that's been conversation one… Then maybe you start the next conversation by saying the hard thing." (06:29, Sarah)

6. Personal Example: Lobster Hatchery Feedback

• Helen and Sarah recount giving/receiving feedback while visiting the National Lobster Hatchery—a fitting context!
  • Helen: "I gave Sarah some feedback... you are getting too involved in too many things and doing lots of other people's work and that's hindering rather than helping us." (07:03–07:27)
  • Sarah describes her defensive reaction and how they nearly missed the learning: "You miss the learning, rather than look for the learning. But I think the questions saved us." (08:18–08:58, Sarah)
  • The collaborative problem-solving that followed turned a potentially negative experience into growth and connection.

7. Role Models and Further Advice

• Helen quotes former guest Sophie Williams:
  • "Her advice for learning was: Don't be afraid to ask questions about or challenge things that are unchallengeable or unquestionable." (09:16–09:27, Helen)
  • Sarah: "Sophie is a very good ‘say the hard thing’ role model... empathetically saying things that could be difficult." (09:27–09:30, Sarah)

8. Practical Tool: ‘Say the Hard Thing’ GPT

• The hosts unveil a new tool: a scenario planner that helps listeners practice difficult conversations in a safe, guided way.
  • "It's just a really safe way to get started." (10:20–10:25, Sarah)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "When we shield ourselves from feedback, we stop growing." — Brene Brown (03:24, Sarah)
• "85% of people have concerns at work that they don't talk about. Imagine all the learning you could unlock..." (05:43, Sarah)
• "Don't be afraid to ask questions about or challenge things that are unchallengeable or unquestionable." — Sophie Williams (09:16, Helen)
• Personal anecdote:
  • Sarah: "My response was very much, oh, I'm working really, really hard, like to do things that need to get done. And then at the same time, you've now given me kind of a hard to hear message. So it's like hard on hard." (08:18–08:33)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:14 – The lobster metaphor for personal growth
• 01:36 – Recognizing feedback as a universal challenge
• 02:26 – Personal fears around giving and receiving feedback
• 03:24 – Brene Brown quote on feedback and growth
• 04:06 – Introducing the “Say the Hard Thing” framework
• 05:43 – Organizational silence and the cost of unspoken concerns
• 06:53 – Live example: feedback at the Lobster Hatchery
• 09:16 – Sophie Williams’ advice on challenging the unquestionable
• 10:20 – Announcing the “Say the Hard Thing” GPT tool

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Actionable Takeaways

• Practice learning in the moment: Don’t wait to reflect after the fact; cultivate awareness during challenging situations.
• Try the ‘Say the Hard Thing’ framework for tough feedback conversations.
• Use open questions to create constructive dialogue and reduce defensiveness.
• Embrace feedback as a habit—not just an occasional ordeal.
• Experiment with the ‘Say the Hard Thing’ GPT tool for real-world practice.

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Overall Tone

Warm, supportive, and candid—Sarah and Helen combine empathy with practical advice, sharing their own vulnerabilities to encourage listeners to view feedback not as a threat, but as a powerful lever for development.

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Transcript

[A]

Hi, I'm Sarah.

[B]

And I'm Helen.

[A]

And this is day two of our squiggly careers sprint. We hope you had some fun knowing your notifications and starting to collect some data for your development. And today we're going to be diving into learning in hard moments.

[B]

So this links to the fascinating feature lobsters have, which is that they grow the most when they shed their shell. So I think we're so used to seeing pictures of lobsters with their very beautiful shelf, and what actually happens is that that shell becomes a constraint to their growth. And so they break out of their shell is an energy zapping process. They leave that old shell behind and they have this period of vulnerability. They're kind of like a little jelly.

[A]

Like, aren't they jelly? Like, almost like see through.

[B]

And there's quite a lot of risk in this moment, but there is also a lot of reward because what happens is that shell that they shed can grow back. And when it does, it is bigger and stronger than it was before. And we think this is learning. We think there are moments in our careers which are shell shedding where we become vulnerable. We feel at risk. And these moments feel difficult for people in terms of their development, but they are the moments when we can learn the most. So that's what we want to encourage you to do today.

[A]

So it's sort of hard and worth it is always my conclusion here. And the thing that we really recognize is when we were doing a lot of research on this and talking to lots of our community, people do know that hard moments have lots of learning, but they tend to wait until after the hard moment. So then you've got to look back. You've probably missed out on some of the learning from that moment. So what we have really challenged ourselves to think about is like learning in that hard moment. So during a hard time, so moving beyond just being in like make it through mode to actually, do you know what, this is hard. So I'm almost like, I might as well learn at the same time because it'll be worth it for my development. So today we're going to be talking about feedback. And feedback is hard for everyone. When you say that word, feedback, when I talk about it in workshops and say, how would you respond if your manager asks you for five minutes for some feedback at the end of the day, the emoticons and gifs and dread that I get back. I actually asked this yesterday. You get like people hiding. They're like, I'm going to get fired. So there is so much fear around Feedback, I think asking, giving and receiving all has different types of fears. Um, so, Helen, what's your biggest feedback fear?

[B]

Well, out of the asking, giving and receiving, it's probably giving. And I think my fear is, what if the feedback that I give you creates friction in our relationship? It's probably linked to a confidence, scrambling about, like wanting, you know, everyone to be happy and people pleasing and be liked, all that kind of stuff. And so I don't then give the feedback or the quality of the feedback because of that fear.

[A]

Yeah, I think probably receiving feedback that might confirm the worst things you already think about yourself. And this is like we put this in the book, like, about. I think receiving feedback sometimes gets forgotten as a skill. You know, you talk a lot about like asking for it and kind of giving, but actually it, it can feel really scary when people have given you feedback, being like, well, how do I make sense of this? How do I process this in a way that is useful, especially as somebody? Like, I would reflect a lot. I'll think about things. So any I can remember, like most feedback people ever give you. And so it really kind of sticks and stays with me. But Brene Brown has a great quote that I keep coming back to on feedback, and she says when we shield ourselves from feedback, we stop growing. So though it is hard, you know, that kind of payoff of you can uncover learning, I think that you just can't get any other way. We know that self awareness is both understanding yourself and understanding how other people see you too. So if we really want to progress and develop, I think we sort of have to have the acceptance that feedback needs to be part of that process and then kind of figure out, right, how can we make this more of a habit? How can we practice this so that it feels easier? It'll probably never be easy, but make it easier.

[B]

So we're going to hopefully encourage people that are sprinting to shed their shell. And we're going to talk about a tool that is in the book called say the Hard. And this is about delivering messages that you really want to but feel difficult to do. And if you don't share that message, it's probably going to get in the way of someone else's growth and your growth too. So we've got a framework in the book that I will talk through quickly so people know. And then we thought we would give a bit of a live example of a say the Hard thing situation that Sarah and I had recently where we've kind of reflected with our model in mind and spotted where it could have been better, it could have been better. So it's a good learning moment, I think, to use it. So the say the hard thing framework, there's four parts to it. So it's a structure for when you are potentially delivering a message that feels difficult to say, probably feels hard for someone to hear. How can you set yourself up for a more effective learning moment? So the first thing is we always want to start with an open question. So we're not always diving into saying the thing that is difficult. We're starting with an open, curious question so we can see where someone's coming from. Then we will acknowledge their response. So however someone feels or whatever they're thinking, we will take the time to appreciate and acknowledge that. Then you have to say it. There is no getting away from. You need to say the hard thing. But what you might do is change how you say it or what you say based on what you've heard. And then the last part is that you need to involve the person. So I'm not just saying it. And that's the end of the conversation. It's really the start of the conversation. Together, we're going to work through this difficult thing that we wanted to say and speak about together.

[A]

And I think if you can get better at this both individually, but also as a team. So I think say the hard thing can also be a team skill as well as an individual one. The difference can be that things that go unsaid suddenly actually are acknowledged or talked about. And Margaret Heflin did some great research on organizational silence, and she found that 85% of people have concerns at work that they don't talk about. So, you know, if you then saw that as like, imagine all of the learning you could unlock if you could get people to speak up and to say that hard thing to make it safer to say the hard thing. And definitely what we are not saying here is this is a structure you've got to remember for a conversation. I never think that's realistic. And also I think it's worth remembering. Almost the harder it is, the more likely this is to be a number of conversations. You know, I think sometimes people put a lot of pressure on themselves. I have to fix all this in, like, one conversation. And as I've been using this over the last year, sometimes I think I've just used the open question and acknowledge, and that's been conversation one, because then I've understood where someone is. And then maybe you start the next conversation by saying the hard thing and having some Go to phrases for like what the say the hard thing sounds like has really helped me. Shall we give our example?

[B]

So the situation was, Sarah and I were away. We were actually at the National Lobster Hatchery. We were going to see some lobsters.

[A]

So appropriate. Trying out our own models with a lobster just down the road.

[B]

True. And it was the end of the day and. And I gave Sarah some feedback about how I believed Sarah was showing up at work, which went somewhere along the. Well, I don't know. You tell me how it, how what you heard.

[A]

You are getting too involved in too many things and doing lots of other people's work and that's hindering rather than helping us.

[B]

So, yeah, I effectively said that to Sarah. I don't think Sarah was expecting it. And your first response was. I think were sort of taken aback, a little bit defensive. And I could see that I hadn't delivered that feedback in an effective way. And as a result of that, there was a moment where learning didn't happen, actually. It could almost create a bit of conflict between. Yeah. Almost shut down. But then actually we started to move towards questions. So it happened quite naturally for us, which is I'd kind of said the hard thing before I'd asked that open question at the start. And then when we started asking questions like, well, why is this happening? What's changed? What's making you feel like this? Then together we started to be able to solve it. And so it really, it really showed to me that a better thing would have been to start with the question rather than start with saying the hard thing. I didn't have the context.

[A]

Yeah. And I think when we reflected on that, you know, if you think about it, my response was very much, oh, I'm working really, really hard, like to do things that need to get done. And then at the same time, you've now given me kind of a hard to hear message. So it's like hard on hard. And so you have to take a really deep breath. And I think, well, crikey, that's in the context of you and I getting on brilliantly, very high trust, known each other for a really long time and it's still really hard. You miss the learning rather than look for the learning. But I think the questions saved us.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then we got there and then actually we both felt quite positive and then we're both quite interested in it. We were like. Because then it becomes like, I don't know, something that together you want to make better and you're challenging and building and it's just a lot less about going, well, you have got this wrong versus this doesn't feel right. So how do we improve?

[B]

So the quote that we picked out today comes from Sophie Williams, previous podcast guest.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And she said to us her advice for learning was don't be afraid to ask questions about or challenge things that are unchallengeable or unquestionable.

[A]

I feel like Sophie is a very good say the hard thing role model.

[B]

Yeah, I agree.

[A]

She's, she's really good at empathetically also saying things that could be, could be really difficult. So okay, what's that tool for people.

[B]

For their 24 hour action?

[A]

So our tool is a say the hard thing kind of GPT. So we have built something so you can go away and put in your say the hard thing scenario. Because I bet we all have one. It might, it might be a big one, but it could be something smaller. Just like there's a process in my team that's not working well or everybody said they were going to do this thing but it's not happened. Or I'm finding this thing a bit tricky with my manager. But I've not, I've not said anything. So it can be a really small say the hard thing scenario. It can be a really big one. And what it's going to do. This say the hard thing sort of scenario planner is going to help you with how you might approach that situation, what you might say. It will ask you some good questions and it's just a really safe way to get started.

[B]

Love it. So we hope you found today useful and you've got lots of ideas to try out. Come back for day three of the Squiggly Skills Sprint tomorrow. We're going to continue with learning in hard moments and we've got some new ideas for action for you to try out.