#113 - Jon Gabrus

Summary

Stavvy's World Podcast Episode #113 - Jon Gabrus
Release Date: January 27, 2025
Host: Stavros Halkias
Guest: Jon Gabrus

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Introduction

In Episode #113 of "Stavvy's World," host Stavros Halkias welcomes comedian and actor Jon Gabrus for an engaging and candid conversation. The episode delves into their personal lives, friendships, career choices, and the challenges they face, all peppered with humor and relatable anecdotes.

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Navigating Fan Interactions and Personal Boundaries

Early Discussion ([00:59] - [05:02])
Stavros and Jon kick off the episode by sharing amusing and sometimes awkward interactions with fans. They discuss the overwhelming and often inappropriate messages they receive, highlighting the stark differences in how men and women experience fan attention.

• Stavros: _"And my most recent gay guy that wants to f*** me is, I believe, a Turkish guy that's just been blowing me." ([01:54])
• Jon: "Sometimes they're like honey trapping you as, like, for their husband." ([03:34])

They humorously recount instances where fans cross boundaries, emphasizing the importance of maintaining personal boundaries despite the flattery.

---

Deep Dive into Personal Histories and Upbringing

Childhood and Education ([05:13] - [14:04])
The conversation shifts to their formative years, exploring their experiences in school, relationships, and family dynamics. Jon shares stories from his time at Marist College, his long-term relationship, and the influence of his friends and family on his personal development.

• Jon: "I've been with the same chick since College. Over 20 years." ([06:53])
• Stavros: "And you were both there. That's where you found love." ([07:05])

They reflect on the impact of standardized testing and educational environments on their career paths, with Jon humorously lamenting the constraints it placed on his creativity and humor.

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Embracing Passions and Career Choices

Pursuing Comedy and Martial Arts ([14:04] - [29:18])
Stavros and Jon discuss their mutual love for action movies and martial arts. Jon reminisces about his early experiences with Taekwondo and the quirky characters he encountered, including his father's involvement in martial arts.

• Jon: "Sensei Nick was this straight, like, Ginzo gangster dude, Korean War vet." ([26:10])
• Stavros: "I love that he picked up Taekwondo. That is the Korean martial arts." ([26:27])

They delve into how these passions shaped their outlook on life and influenced their comedic styles, blending physicality with sharp wit.

---

Personal Struggles and Self-Improvement

Health, Weight Loss, and Mental Health ([29:18] - [62:34])
The duo opens up about their personal struggles with weight, substance use, and mental health. Jon shares his journey with weight loss and considerations around testosterone replacement therapy (TRT), while Stavros discusses his attempts to maintain sobriety.

• Stavros: "I've taken this year to be sober, and it sucks. I do not." ([60:39])
• Jon: "I'm in, like, a legit, like, health crisis point in my life." ([61:15])

They offer each other and their listeners practical advice on balancing personal well-being with the demands of life and career, emphasizing the importance of self-awareness and gradual change.

---

Engaging with Listeners: Advice and Troubleshooting

Call-In Segment ([66:56] - [119:52])
The latter part of the episode features multiple listener calls, where Stavros and Jon provide advice on various personal dilemmas:

1. Amanda's Relationship Dilemma ([69:02] - [99:19])
   Amanda seeks guidance on opening her relationship to include a third partner. Stavros and Jon discuss the complexities of introducing third parties into a relationship, emphasizing honesty, communication, and cautious exploration.

   • Stavros: "You gotta be careful... This feels like an AI generated." ([70:41])
   • Jon: "Trust your judgment." ([58:15])

2. Elvis's Friendship Challenges ([120:38] - [131:55])
   Elvis, a transitioning individual, asks for tips on making male friends. Stavros and Jon suggest common interests like movies, sports, and shared activities as effective ways to build camaraderie without forcing deep personal conversations initially.

   • Jon: "Watch the movie 'Heat,' and then you will always have something to talk to guys about." ([121:32])
   • Stavros: "Just be present, do something awesome with him." ([127:14])

Throughout these exchanges, Stavros and Jon maintain a supportive and humorous tone, addressing each caller's concerns with empathy and practical solutions.

---

Final Thoughts and Closing Remarks

Wrapping Up ([119:52] - End)
As the episode concludes, Stavros and Jon reflect on the importance of genuine connections and the value of shared experiences. They encourage listeners to seek meaningful relationships and maintain a balance between personal happiness and social obligations.

• Stavros: "That's what's important." ([120:06])
• Jon: "We're really helping people." ([119:58])

The episode ends on a high note, with both hosts expressing gratitude for their friendship and the opportunity to connect with their audience through heartfelt and often humorous discussions.

---

Notable Quotes

• Stavros Halkias:
  "With family, cannolis and spins mean everything." ([00:04])
  "More hymns than blood." ([118:32])

• Jon Gabrus:
  "Sometimes they're like honey trapping you as, like, for their husband." ([03:34])
  _"I'm ready to." ([05:13])

---

Conclusion

Episode #113 of "Stavvy's World" offers a blend of humor, personal anecdotes, and heartfelt advice, showcasing the strong chemistry between Stavros Halkias and Jon Gabrus. Their candid discussions on personal struggles, relationships, and the pursuit of happiness provide listeners with both entertainment and valuable insights, making it a standout episode in the podcast series.

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Note: This summary intentionally omits advertisements, intros, outros, and non-content sections to focus solely on the meaningful discussions and interactions between Stavros and Jon.

Transcript

[Stavros Halkias]

Step into the world of power, loyalty and luck.

[John Gabris]

I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse.

[Stavros Halkias]

With family, cannolis and spins mean everything.

[John Gabris]

Now you want to get mixed up in the family business?

[Stavros Halkias]

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[John Gabris]

Someday I will call upon you to do a service for me. Play the Godfather [e-mail] Welcome to no purchase necessary VGW Group void where prohibited by law 18 + terms and conditions apply.

[Ryan Seacrest]

This message comes from Pemco Mutual Insurance Company. You know that moment when things take an unexpected turn and you get that sudden sinking feeling that maybe it could have been avoided? Pemco Insurance wants to help you avoid that feeling by sharing prevention tips that empower you to prevent some of life's preventable pitfalls. Because Pemco's commitment to their customers goes beyond the moment of acclaim, it's about being with their customers every day.

[Stavros Halkias]

[e-mail] Prevention welcome everybody to Stavi's World 904-800-Stav Call in. We'll solve all your problems. We're continuing our Los Angeles series, Hollywood Halcus, and we are taking. We get some of our favorites from la and I'm pumped to have on the couch John Gabris. Oh, pumped to have. Thanks for being here, dude.

[John Gabris]

Oh, hell yeah. I can't believe we're in the same location.

[Stavros Halkias]

Feels wrong, right?

[John Gabris]

There's like nine bear chasers slash podcast freaks who are so hyped for this.

[Stavros Halkias]

There's one guy, there's one gay podcast fan that this would be. He'd get so hard.

[John Gabris]

He's the one who responds to my pics on the toilet with I wish that was me. Yeah, I read those message requests and I don't respond.

[Stavros Halkias]

I have there's a guy and I don't know if I should keep talking. He probably I legit think he doesn't speak English. But my. My. My most recent gay guy that wants to fuck me is, I believe, a Turkish guy that's just been blowing me. Every story gets a response. It is funny to know just have a little piece of what an insanely hot woman goes through.

[John Gabris]

I have since talked to girls that I know. I'm like, I get it. I can only imagine what it's like for you.

[Stavros Halkias]

We get 1% of it. But like, imagine that a hundred times a day.

[John Gabris]

I know and I understand. For a woman might have a hard time, I get a slash of flattery out of It. Because I'm not getting, like, chicks posting their tits. Like, oh, you're. I love your podcast. I get, like, some dude who's like, fuck me, Daddy.

[Stavros Halkias]

And I'm like, oh.

[John Gabris]

And I gotta just be like, you know, it feels good to be attractive.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yes.

[John Gabris]

Or some girl will be like, you remind me of my husband. Then I'll like, click through and look at her husband. I'll be like, fudge you. That's.

[Stavros Halkias]

Fuck you. That's a real tough one.

[John Gabris]

That's mean.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yes.

[John Gabris]

I know. I don't look. I look like that, but I drink water.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it is what that'll happen where I'll be at a show and a woman's being very flirty, but in a way that I'm like, I don't. She's being so flirty. But some of my spider sense is like, I can't fuck this woman. It's like, she. I could just tell. And then I'm like, what's going on here, though? She's even, like, touching an arm. And then I'm like. As I'm trying to put it together, the fattest guy you've ever seen in the world comes up and, like, grabs her by the waist and is like, we love the show, bro. And it's like, ah, that's what it is.

[John Gabris]

Sometimes they're like, honey trapping you as, like, for their husband. They're like, oh, I have blue hair and my tits are out. And they're like, hey, Stopi, you should.

[Stavros Halkias]

Get a drink with us.

[Eldis]

Yeah.

[John Gabris]

They come over her husband who looks like you. Like, your before picture is like, I'm a huge fan. You're like, oh, fuck, is she a.

[Stavros Halkias]

Big, fat, fat podcaster? Oh, dude. A couple of the first tours I went on. How many? Like, like, one fucking Moscow mule I had to sit through when I got, like, a DM that's like, a girl. It's a picture. Like, come meet us for a drink. I don't think who the us is. I just see, like, I just see on chicks. I'm gonna fuck this bitch in a girl that's even hotter than her. All I have to do is go meet them for a drink. And it's fully. Sometimes it's five guys, and she's not even there. She's like, all right, well, see you guys later. I've done my due diligence here.

[John Gabris]

The only worst fan interaction in. Listen. I call them. I should say listener interaction, because I don't know if they're actually fans, because the way they behave. They'll come up and be like, you're a fat pig and your dead father hates you. And it's like, wait, no, no, no. That's how I talk about myself. For entertainment.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yes.

[John Gabris]

You just whispering that to me is absolutely traumatizing.

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't know you at all.

[John Gabris]

I know. Because your little dick and big gut is a terrible problem. Right?

[Stavros Halkias]

Like, yo, you, man. I don't. We're not friends. And I will f. Like, you'll make me. I'll. I'll get my ass kicked. But I'll swing on you if you can.

[John Gabris]

I'm ready to.

[Stavros Halkias]

If you keep doing this, dude, I will fucking swing on you. Yeah, dude. It is fucking hilarious. But I love. Yeah. Thanks for being here, because this does. You know, we. We've never met in person. Actually, I've been a fan for a long time.

[John Gabris]

Same shout out.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know, back in the day of the, like. You know, I'm sure you get this all the time, but starting with Gino Lombardo or when I was at a. I was at my. At my paralegal job where I did nothing. Where I truly was listening to podcasts. One day I listened to an eight hour podcast about the Roman Empire. The whole day didn't pause once. Right. And that. That's where. The first time. This was, like, years ago. This must have been like, you're. When you were just on that. And then I've been following you ever since. And it does feel like I like, it feels like, like now that the spider verse or like the multiverse is, like a concept everybody understands. It does kind of feel like we're multiverse versions of each other. Totally.

[John Gabris]

It does feel crazy that this is our first time overlapping.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yes.

[John Gabris]

It's like we were both walking backwards and bumped into each other. What are you doing on this case?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[John Gabris]

The FBI sent me. Well, the LAPD sent me.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right, right, right, right. No, absolutely.

[John Gabris]

Yeah. I've been a fan for a long time, too.

[Stavros Halkias]

Thanks, man.

[John Gabris]

Truly. Someone was like, you and Stavi are long lost brothers. Just someone sent that text to me, and I had no context. I'm like, what do you mean?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[John Gabris]

And then I clicked through search and I was like, oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mediterranean cousins. Yeah. That's for sure.

[Stavros Halkias]

Our lives took slightly different paths, like, I thought, because you've been, like, married forever.

[John Gabris]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like, you.

[John Gabris]

You. I've been with the same chick since College.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[John Gabris]

Over 20 years.

[Stavros Halkias]

College.

[John Gabris]

Wow. We started dating junior year of college.

[Stavros Halkias]

Holy shit. Where'd you go to school?

[John Gabris]

I Went to Marist College in Poughkeepsie, New York, which is like a feeder from Catholic high schools in the tri state. All the coolest guys.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[John Gabris]

It's just a million chicks named some version of Christina, Christine, Kristen, Kirsten, Chrissy, Kiri, and they all just are PR majors.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, dude. Hell yeah. And you were both there. That's where you found love.

[John Gabris]

Yeah, we found love in Intro to Communications, which the irony when we were in couples therapy that we met as communications majors cannot figure it out.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, dude, that's because I, I always think about that where I'll be like, oh, what if I just met a wonderful woman in college and I wouldn't have to be this fucking pathetic, constantly trying to get pussy guy. Like I'd literally look at you, I'm like, is that what my life would be?

[John Gabris]

It would be like that you'd be just chasing your new pussy Would be validation. Yeah, well, I got the pussy on lock.

[Stavros Halkias]

We got that too. I don't got that either.

[John Gabris]

Yeah, it was a crazy experience being in my early 20s. Like I ended up bonding with like my buddy Adam Pally because he also had a long term girlfriend that's now his wife. So we were like the only two twenty something that had like five year girlfriends.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[John Gabris]

So we were like, we can't, we don't want to go out to the bar after. We want, our wives are here, let's go get dinner or whatever.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right, right.

[John Gabris]

So then we ended up. And then I always felt like kind of mature and now I'm so glad I wasn't single in my twenties. In the early aughts I'd be like to be like a Reddit thread about me. You end up putting a notes, apology and then a donation to some fucking cause.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, after. Yeah, I'd have to fucking do like I would direct to camera self help apology. I did not know about the allegations.

[John Gabris]

We're taking down all the clips and then we are donating to, I keep wanting to say a charity, but that's going to make you seem like I'm telling on my. Yeah, yeah, what you want in genocide or whatever.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's like, what did he do? I just heard about the events in the UCB Green Room in 2008. I had no idea.

[John Gabris]

He's being called the Coney of ucb.

[Stavros Halkias]

What does that mean? He did well, they did have a child's improv class and he trained them up into a militia. He also fucked a couple of them Coney style. Yeah, dude, no Cause you were. Yeah. I mean, I could see that you're just a little older and you are from Long island, which is its own form of trash. Exactly. So I definitely think you would have been susceptible to minor sex crimes if you were not in a relationship.

[John Gabris]

If I. If I. If it just. If iPhones existed. Yeah. Period. Like, I dodged such a bullet. I remember my buddy got a digital camera, like a. A Canon Elf, 3.2 megapixels. It was like $500. We were like, 20. This is 2002. And he's like, bro, it's the best blackout prevention. And I was like, huh? And you'd be like, look at last night. And we'd be like, oh. Like, it was like. And then I was. Once smartphones came around, you're like, this is why you have to take selfies. Yeah. For the next day. I'm like, we were at McCoy's Steakhouse.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's fudgeing. Awesome, dude. Yeah. I mean, there is. That is a nice. I guess you did just catch it before the ubiquity.

[John Gabris]

When people talk about that elder millennial shit of, like, being. That just means you printed up Black and white JPEGs of naked chicks and jerk off. That's like, are you still using the computer? Like, shut the fuck up.

[Stavros Halkias]

I have a science project tomorrow.

[John Gabris]

It's just Jenny McCarthy standing topless, no background. Because if it had a background, it would be like, eat all the ink and you the fuck ate all the fucking. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

You tell yourself how to use Ms. Paint solely to remove background so you could print tits easier.

[John Gabris]

Like, that is just such a specific time in technology when I was like, yeah, yes, you can find pornographic images online, but I still can't jerk off at the family computer, so I have to, like, print and then hide. So it's like the bridge between magazines and pornhub.

[Stavros Halkias]

I jerked off to the. At the family computer.

[John Gabris]

Oh, I eventually got it. I used to. We had, like, a. The first big screen I've ever seen when we moved at 14 to one of those. Like, you can't have the wind. Like, you can't have the shades open when you try to watch it because it's like, barely. It's like just a low lamp that makes it. And it's like £700.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yes.

[John Gabris]

And it had a VCR on top of it. And this was the era of VHS porn, and we would have one in the neighborhood. So if you were, like, staying home sick from school, you'd be like, hey, Dennis, leave it behind your pool. And you'd have to, like, sneak out, get the vhs, bring it back to your house while your parents are at work. And I was beaten off so much to VCR porn that there was a blue screen that said auto tracking. I gave myself, like, a Pavlovian hard on to the point when I would, like, rent a movie with my family and put in a movie and say auto tracking my body be like, let's dick would start getting hard.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, that's. You're about to watch An Officer and a Gentleman with your mom and your dick is getting hard.

[John Gabris]

My dad's like, are you hard at the beginning of Commando again? You. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's just beautiful, the life he's carved out with his daughter Alys.

[John Gabris]

Poor Alyssa Milano, she knows she's okay. It's.

[Stavros Halkias]

This is a boner of fear for.

[John Gabris]

The child, for what might happen.

[Stavros Halkias]

Dude. Yeah, that's. That's fucking hilarious. So this. And do you remember what the porno was? Yes, Specific one.

[John Gabris]

There was two that we had in the neighborhood for a long time, and it was Passenger 69 Part 2, which featured A. Honestly, it might have been shot in this studio. Like, it featured a fake 69 on a parachute scene. So it was like they were 69ing with just two ropes going off camera and fan audible, fans blowing on them as if they were skydiving. It was so awesome. And it's so funny. We had, like. We had, like, the two removed from a good porno. You know what I mean? I would have killed to just have, like, it's four different sex scenes instead. The other one we had in the neighborhood was called E3, the extra testicle. And it was like a joke porno. Yeah, it was like a joke porno. It was like the one thing we could jerk off to. Had the main character be a blue guy.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah.

[John Gabris]

And I'm sorry, this is so.

[Stavros Halkias]

And it. Was it a guy whose dick was coming through the blue thing.

[John Gabris]

Yes. This is. It's so crazy that you bring this up. I remember nothing about the porno except they do one, like, special effects close up of his dick. And it's like, blue and pulsing with, like, glowing and stuff like that. And it's all fake, like a big. It looks like the aggro crag on guts or something. Like, there's like a fucking atmosphere and dry ice or something.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like it's steaming off and you're like.

[John Gabris]

I just want to see titties. Now. I've got to, like, be triggered by a blue glowing dick.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah. And they were like, Legally had to make him blue, too. They're like, can't be brown.

[John Gabris]

Can't be brown. We got sued by Spielberg again. We gotta lose the Reese's Pieces in the girl's asshole part.

[Stavros Halkias]

No, they can't be Skittles either. Too close.

[John Gabris]

We can't say taste the rainbow when he comes up with shit all over his face.

[Stavros Halkias]

You can do dots. We negotiated. We can get dots. That's it.

[John Gabris]

Yeah. Well, we know it looks like toilet paper when it's in her ass. We can't help that.

[Stavros Halkias]

No, RA nets won't work. They'll look like shit. Come on, man. That. Yeah, we had fat. My dad's porno that we found was Loose Times at Ridgely High.

[John Gabris]

Oh, hell.

[Stavros Halkias]

So I also had, like, a novelty porno, and it was just very. You know, there was obviously a. The Spicoli character is really the only one who gets it.

[John Gabris]

They par.

[Stavros Halkias]

No, they parodied. Everything else was just like. Just high school cheese.

[John Gabris]

Well, yeah, there's like, a weird abortion scene. They kept that.

[Stavros Halkias]

They keep the fucking harrowing abortion scene where you're like, I remember being a kid and being like, nice. There's probably. I remember, like, you hear about the. You know, you see in what's your face's tit, the famous Phoebe Cates is like. I'm like, yes, dude, I see your fucking tits. I'm a Coley's hilarious. You know what I mean? I'm like, I'm so bummed to see this movie. And then that girl, like, gets kind. Not exactly assaulted, but, like, enough. It's, like, weird. It's like an old guy taking advantage of.

[John Gabris]

Doesn't let you enjoy.

[Stavros Halkias]

Dude.

[John Gabris]

The amount of movies from our childhood, like, we watch a lot of old movies on Action Boys, my podcast, and.

[Stavros Halkias]

Action Boys is great, by the way.

[John Gabris]

Oh, thank you so much.

[Stavros Halkias]

I will. I don't like to listen to comedy podcasts, understand. But I got into. I got into, like. And then I was like, listen a lot of sports stuff. But then I got really into, like. I was just watching so many movies over the last year. I took time off touring, and I was just looking for shit to, like, you know, I was just trying to find stuff. And I didn't even know you did it because it was, you know, Patreon, I guess, and it's kind of like. But I found the, like, the ones you put out for free.

[John Gabris]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And it's so fucking funny. You guys are fucking hilarious.

[John Gabris]

Thank you.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's like the. So now every time I'll Just like, if I watch an action movie just for fun, I'll be like, I will, like, a couple days later be like, I wonder if they checked it out. And I'll just. I'm on the Patreon and I'll just search it. So that's. I don't listen to chronological, but I'm like, whenever I. Because I feel like we have very similar taste in movies. So whenever I just happen to watch fucking, like, we just watched. What did we just watch? Eldis with Harrison Ford.

[Eldis]

Oh, Air Force.

[John Gabris]

Air Force One.

[Stavros Halkias]

And I was like, there's no way they haven't done Air Force One. And then I was like, all right.

[John Gabris]

Hell yeah. So awesome.

[Stavros Halkias]

So anyway, but yeah, that's a. That's a great podcast.

[John Gabris]

But you. You watch a lot of these old movies and you're like, I remember there being titties in this movie when I was a kid. And then the titties are during, like, a sexual assault.

[Stavros Halkias]

And you're like, oh, she's being held hostage. She's scared.

[John Gabris]

Yeah. Could that have really my brain upping? I. So the times I saw tits in movies were attached to violence against women.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's very possible.

[John Gabris]

And I'm always like, that gives me a hard on. But now when I watch it, I'm like, this is like, they're cutting her shirt off.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is this why everyone's choking?

[John Gabris]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Is this why the whole. Our entire. Everyone who's this age is choking?

[John Gabris]

I don't want to get political, but it does feel like everyone in power grew up on these movies but didn't understand, like, detachment. Like, there are people who are like, on the Cops and Rambo, those sides.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I know.

[John Gabris]

People are like, Tony Soprano is right.

[Stavros Halkias]

He's awesome. And back the blue, by the way.

[John Gabris]

My favorite guy is a mafia guy. And also the cops.

[Stavros Halkias]

Cool.

[John Gabris]

You contain multitudes.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're so. Yeah, I don't have on.

[John Gabris]

I'll do it, though.

[Stavros Halkias]

There you go.

[John Gabris]

Hell, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

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[John Gabris]

Yeah. Being a 42 year old guy with a backwards hat and shorts on and.

[Stavros Halkias]

Be like, the cops are awesome, dude.

[John Gabris]

Cops were the most aspirational job of my generation. Like in the 80s and 90s, the stereotype was like, you got to be a doctor or a lawyer, but on Long island it's like, like a Suffolk county cop actually makes six figures. That was. That's like widely known. The Suffolk county cops are the highest paid cops like in America.

[Stavros Halkias]

Interesting.

[John Gabris]

And we lived in Nassau, which is a little trashier. But my family would be like, you know, you could be a Suffolk cop. Acting like that was like going to grad school or something. It's like two years of college, you get a gun and six figures.

[Stavros Halkias]

You get all the overtime you want. You work a giant as security, basically shake them down. Just stand there and beat a kid who shoplifts candy to fucking.

[John Gabris]

And your kid will just be the worst behaved kid in school because he knows he can't get in too much trouble. Like always, all the cops. Kids in my school would be like the speeders. The guys would be like, I'll go pick up all the. One thing you'd like about them is like, I'll go buy all the beer. And you're like, oh, hell yeah. Yeah. Cause you got that PBA card.

[Stavros Halkias]

Of course, dude.

[John Gabris]

There's Sergeant so and so. You're Sergeant Nunzio's kid. That's what's Long Sergeant Feldman and Sergeant Nunzio's kids are here.

[Stavros Halkias]

I know. I love how cops act like justice and the law is like working at cold stone and giving yourself an extra scoop of ice cream. You're like, yeah, I can drunk drive. Who get it? I'm a cop. I work at the drunk driving store. I'm allowed to let myself drunk drive a little bit.

[John Gabris]

Dude, I know, I know cops who just drive on the shoulder in full traffic, like on the highway going nowhere. It's fine. It's like I just want to go to the gym. I want to go take. Take trend and do curls.

[Stavros Halkias]

If I don't shrug in the next 15 minutes, I'm going to hit my wife harder. When I get home, I gotta get.

[John Gabris]

I gotta get to 24 Hour Fitness and then get home in time because my son's private batting coach is coming over.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, dude, that's awesome. The. Yeah. I mean, it just is so funny that that childhood must have been like a very funny because Long island just is such a. Being a New York City suburb is such a funny thing to be because you're so close to New York and it is truly a fully different world.

[John Gabris]

Yeah, I think, you know, we have a lot of famous comedians come out of there. Eddie Murphy, Jerry Seinfeld, Tim Dillon.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Yep.

[John Gabris]

Tim Dillon used to say it's 45 minutes away and 45 years behind new York City. And it really is, it just like it's full of a bunch of people who go, like, why would I go to New York City?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[John Gabris]

You're like, oh, because it's a place where people fly from all over the world to visit. Because it's like an amazing, like one of the top cities in the universe. And they're like, but I got a Thai restaurant right here, you know, in Manhasset.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, I got, I got a Thai restaurant. They got the best teriyaki I ever had.

[John Gabris]

My fucking. I don't going to leave out family members names, but like my brother eats like chicken tempura sushi. Like that's a chicken tender with rice on it. Why would I go to the city? Like, it just. To me, it was so crazy. I moved to Brooklyn. My family thought it was crazy that I lived in Brooklyn. They were like, you could live at home and just drive in. And I'm like, no, you cannot. I can't like get coffee. Like, I want to live this. I want to live like a city life.

[Stavros Halkias]

It is very funny because it's like there's like, that's not true of Any of the other suburbs. If you go to, like, fucking Westchester, it feels like what you would assume New York suburbs are. It's like, you know, like, people just got tired of living in the city, even parts of Jersey. But yeah, truly, Long island is like, how did you get all the culturally worst parts of New York?

[John Gabris]

Yes. And none of the progressive, none of the interesting, none of the art scene.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's like you bred it with Ohio. No disrespect, Elvis, but you bred, like, the parts of Queens that voted for Trump with. With fucking, like, Cincinnati. And you're like, yep, we're gonna fucking. This is where we're fucking go. Actually, that might. That might be disrespectful to Cincinnati.

[John Gabris]

Yeah, no, I think it's right for.

[Stavros Halkias]

Actually kind of nicer. We had a good time in Cincinnati. Yeah. I don't even know what the crossbreed.

[John Gabris]

Is, but, yeah, Long island in the 80s and 90s was CRA. It was like. Like, not a lot of comedians or the. The circles I run in at the soft ass, like, improv groups. No one was like, you. I was like, you didn't get, like, jumped all the time? And they're like, what are you talking about? I was like, I just jumped all the time.

[Stavros Halkias]

They're like, how? I'm like, I don't know why it just happened.

[John Gabris]

My name. My last name is Gabris. And my. My high school football coach, who was also a history teacher.

[Stavros Halkias]

Love that.

[John Gabris]

My Nick. Gay boy, the gym teacher called me grab ass, and the dean of admissions called me garbage. That's three adult men who bullied me. If, like, I. If I didn't shoot up my school, I, like, I had to do comedy or else I was gonna call. Once Columbine happened, I saw a lot of people in my school be like, okay, interesting.

[Stavros Halkias]

If only we. If only there's a way to get guns. Not from black people, because we. We are racist. Oh, yeah, we're still racist heads. They're like, well, I can get a gun, and if I talk to a minority, that's the only thing stopping me from shooting up the school. That's hilarious, dude. So you. So you grow up there in the. Like, yeah, you're growing up there. And how many you have brothers, right?

[John Gabris]

I have two younger brothers.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, you're the oldest?

[John Gabris]

I'm the oldest of three. And my. My dad was a stagehand and my mom was a nurse. So they work, like, create the weird hours, not the traditional school hours. So we were like, like, loose children. Yeah, we were feral Me and my brother are three years apart, and then we have another brother who's seven or eight years younger than me. And so we had, like, a. We would be, like, fully experimenting on this.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yo.

[John Gabris]

I bet you if we put the hamper upside down with him in it, he can't get out. When I talk about some of the. We did, my. I see my. My therapist, like, I tell. I talk like it's funny. And he's like, hey, so where was your parents during this? I'm like, oh, they were gone for, like, 12 hours.

[Stavros Halkias]

They're like.

[John Gabris]

I was like, oh, yeah. You know, me and my brother, we used to. We had a set of lacrosse gloves. One was left, one was right. My brother was left, the other righty. What we do? Tie our other hands together and just fight with one glove each. Just straight up tie these two hands together with a karate belt. Because it was.

[Stavros Halkias]

Dude, karate, dude.

[John Gabris]

You had to. I had a Korean War vet, an Italian guy, who had USMC tattooed on his knuckles, and he was my karate. He was my sensei. Sensei Nick in his garage.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's awesome.

[John Gabris]

Here's the Beatles.

[Stavros Halkias]

Do we have a sandbag? Sorry. Just to get you going. No, no, it's all good. Tell me about Sensei Nick, bro.

[John Gabris]

Sensei Nick was this straight, like, Ginzo gangster dude, Korean War vet, USMC on his. And he. Me and my brother started taking taekwondo there because he was, like, a local freeport guy, and that was, like, where all my relatives were from.

[Stavros Halkias]

I love that he picked up Taekwondo. That is the Korean martial arts.

[John Gabris]

Yes. Right? In Kore, Korea.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[John Gabris]

Yeah. He's like, I'll bring it back and teach it to the worst kids I've ever met. I will teach some of the worst bullies in Long Island. On Long Island. I will teach them how to fight.

[Stavros Halkias]

I will empower these bullies. Yeah.

[John Gabris]

I will give these two kids the ability to kick each other in the face when they're home alone. But the worst part is, like, just as we got old enough to think it was gay and we didn't want to do it anymore, my dad started doing it. After driving us to and from. He got material. He got so into it that towards the end of our time there, he started off with the adult class. And so then we were, like, 16, thinking that the fact that we did karate was corny. Going to my dad's black belt test. Vfw.

[Stavros Halkias]

Your dad's fucking fully breaking fucking.

[John Gabris]

I've got a. I've got a picture on my Instagram.

[Stavros Halkias]

Here comes Mysterious Mo with the sandbag. We'll blow your face out, Mo. Don't worry. Blur out his hands too. I don't want them knowing what race he is.

[John Gabris]

Yeah, that's why we nicknamed him Mo. It's like one of those. It could be anything.

[Stavros Halkias]

Mo. Really could be anything. Truly, it would not be surprised. Could be a little gay Asian guy. Could be the fattest black guy you ever met in your life.

[John Gabris]

Could be my short for Muhammad.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah. It's everywhere. There's Italians, there's. I know Greeks named Mo.

[John Gabris]

Oh, hell yeah. Everything's a very common name.

[Stavros Halkias]

Mo. Can. Can. Mo can it. It's like that. It's like those, like, Hispanic guys that also play Taliban guy. You know what I mean? Like, Mo is one of those, like, you could do whatever with Mo, dude.

[John Gabris]

There's that dude who's in Training Day who's played like. I think he's actually, like, Polynesian. Yes. He's like Mexicans. Minority gangster.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yes, yes, yes. I know that guy. I know exactly the guy you're talking about.

[John Gabris]

Yeah. We went to my dad's black belt test. He's breaking bricks. And there was a demonstration. This is one of my core memories of my childhood. There's a demonstration by a second degree black belt who we only knew as Joey. And he had a blonde curly mullet. And he did commas, which are those little sticks with the hooked blade that look like sickles. He did two of those. He did a routine set to snaps. I Got the Power, which was a song from Perfect Weapon in which Jeff Speakman does that with two sticks to a couch. So it was like he's like, clearly doing a movie. Like, it's so funny. And he's like.

[Stavros Halkias]

He's nice with it.

[John Gabris]

And now I. Now I'm like, why didn't I just stick with karate?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah. Like, that would be such a cool.

[John Gabris]

I'm. I do take martial arts again.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're back.

[John Gabris]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're back in the zone.

[John Gabris]

I've got to the point in my life where I started caring less about succeeding in the industry and more about, like, gaining levels.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like I'm some sort of RPG character. You're doing side quests.

[John Gabris]

I'm gonna learn Spanish Ye. Pete Kundo this year.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. I'm Link and I'm fishing all day.

[John Gabris]

Right, exactly.

[Stavros Halkias]

Figuring out the puzzles. I'm making stews.

[John Gabris]

Yeah. That was like. I got like Skyrim and vaporizer at the same week. When I. When I lived in Brooklyn and I was unemployed and my wife would come Out. And I'd be like. She's like, what are you doing? I'm like, I'm making gloves. She's like, what? I'm like, I made like 40 gloves. It's like three in the morning. And I'm like. She's like, like, I see it in her face and she's like, you even like work this hard on anything in real life.

[Stavros Halkias]

You became a glove merchant, essentially.

[John Gabris]

Yeah. You're like, I'm imagining. I'm like, I could probably have learned how to actually make gloves.

[Stavros Halkias]

You could have been making bespoke gloves.

[John Gabris]

For yourself or at least walked on a treadmill.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so fucking. Yeah, that's so. It's funny to think about that era, going through that era with a wife.

[John Gabris]

You know what I mean?

[Stavros Halkias]

Because I know I went through it with Eldis on our couch in Queens. I'm just fucking playing Red Dead Redemption. High as shit. But it's like I can't even imagine the woman I'm spending my life with seeing me like that.

[John Gabris]

Especially when she had like a full time corporate job at the time. It was like. So I was like having like a lifestyle affair.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[John Gabris]

You know what I mean? Like, I had a second family, but that family was just me.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yes.

[John Gabris]

Where I'd be like, no. While you were gone today, I went to the coffee shop. I wrote. I had that commercial audition. Meemaw. I'm just like. And all I had to do was make sure no shit was out when she got home. And it would just be like, how was your day? I'm like, you know, like, I don't.

[Stavros Halkias]

Even want to get into it.

[John Gabris]

Five hours at Diablo 2. Yeah, I know. I don't need to get into how my Rogue is gaining levels through the roof. I finally got the fourth piece of armor that links up in the green set and I'm so. I'm Gucci for another, at least another 10 levels. What the fudge? Yeah, yeah, sorry. I was in the middle of Starcraft 2 when the weed delivery guy came and I know our downstairs neighbors, a DEA agent. So I panicked and then we lost. My clan is all mad at me. I just like, how was your day? Good. Good. Yeah. Got a lot of stuff. I, I, I got that. I got heard back an email from an agent.

[Stavros Halkias]

The email, the email from a manager.

[John Gabris]

Oh, dude. Would the times in my, when I was younger, the amount of time I would spend crafting emails and I'd be like. And conclusively, would you think, like, you know, I'M like writing it like it's a business. And I'm like, here are seven things I wanted to just, you know, and like, they just write back like, yes, let's talk about it.

[Stavros Halkias]

Sounds good. Send for my BlackBerry.

[John Gabris]

You spend like 40 minutes going like, dear sir, I better have a joke. I seem too serious. Yeah, it's your fat guy that pitched you, you know, way too self deprecating. I can't believe you want to read my stupid idea. Here you go. It was always just like, it's about a Long island scumbag who blanks.

[Stavros Halkias]

But guess what? He's got a fucking heart of gold.

[John Gabris]

The thing about him, his heart is gold. He actually loves his mom.

[Stavros Halkias]

The twist on him is he's in a Long island time who loves his mother. That's what makes this a little bit different. They're like, oh, great, that's a great idea.

[John Gabris]

I've seen that.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Dude, I'm still stuck on your dad getting into karate afterwards.

[John Gabris]

My dad got really into karate and he's the one who got me into action movies.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay.

[John Gabris]

He took us to see T2 when it came out and I would have been maybe 11.

[Stavros Halkias]

And I'm like, that must have been awesome.

[John Gabris]

Dude. Dude, this is of the. In the era too, where having seen T2 was like social currency.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[John Gabris]

Like you go back to school and you can just talk about T2 to the kids who haven't seen it.

[Stavros Halkias]

Believe me, I was. My mom was very strict about that we could see. And so I said that was at south park was big when I was in third grade.

[John Gabris]

Oh yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Because it was like. And I remember we just could not. You could not. My mom would not allow. She just knew about south for some reason. And if something hit the news in the outrage cycle, my mom picked it up.

[John Gabris]

Right. And that's all she had, was like some Tipper Gore.

[Stavros Halkias]

Totally, totally. And she could. There were a lot of blind spots, but if something got in there and south park was the fucking coolest thing. It was like cursing and it was a cartoon. And so I remember I did so much pretending I had seen Terminator and South park and just like, oh yeah, I love that part. Like somebody would make something up. I'm like, oh, yeah, that was my favorite part too. Oh yeah. I love when they, they kill Kenny every. Not sure if that happens.

[John Gabris]

I had a friend like that who. Whatever he, Whatever movie you saw, he also saw. And his favorite part was something from the trailer.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yes.

[John Gabris]

I thought it was so sick when he said, I'll Be back. You're like, okay. That's one of 90 seconds that they.

[Stavros Halkias]

Show on TV when he was wearing sunglasses. Glasses. I love the sunglass part. I couldn't get over the jet leather jacket. Oh, man, it's just so much good stuff. Well, he.

[John Gabris]

My dad was so into these action movies, and he. He got us into them. And of course, all the martial arts movies of the times, like the Van Dammes and the Seagulls. But then my dad, like, accidentally. I don't know about accidentally, but unbeknownst to us, at least, started, like, adopting a lot of Seagal mannerisms. He definitely, like, aspired to be him. There was a period of time when my dad had his ha pulled back into a rubber band in, like, the mid-90s. He's, like, 50, he's got a beard. And he. I'm not exaggerating. Starts whispering all the time.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, my God.

[John Gabris]

He, like, starts getting into, like, talk soft, carry, big stick, seagal shit. And I remember a fight with my mom. With his. Him fighting with my mom where? My mom's like, what? What are you saying, hon? I can't hear you. Jesus Christ. You think you're Steven Cigar? He got so, like. My dad was so mean, and he.

[Stavros Halkias]

Got so mad at me.

[John Gabris]

You would always just be like, johnny, Johnny. And, like, you're in the car, and I'm like, what? I'm all the way in the back of the minivan. I can't fucking hear you, Johnny. You want to go to a pizza parlor tonight? Why are you talking like that?

[Stavros Halkias]

Holy fuck.

[John Gabris]

My dad was one of those, like, that's incredible. Yeah. He was like, a crazy alpha guy who would always be like, you know, wouldn't sit with his back to a door at a restaurant.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know, he's got to survey all the exits.

[John Gabris]

Yeah. He's like, if you ever had a fight, John, you hit the biggest guy first and see if they could sort it out after that. And I'm like, like, okay. I'm ever getting jumped by multiple guys in prison.

[Stavros Halkias]

Thank you, dad.

[John Gabris]

Yeah, and then, like, some of the came in handy. Like, I remember one thing he always told me was, like, if you're ever going to whale on a guy, don't put your fingers like this. You can sprain all eight fingers. And I remember being like, thank you. And then, like, one day I'm fighting this, like, weird freak in school, and I just, like, just do, like, double hammer business.

[Stavros Halkias]

I was like, yeah, but he was worried you would try and hit him like this.

[John Gabris]

Yeah. He said he ax handled someone like that when he was a kid and. And like broke like three of his fingers.

[Stavros Halkias]

Where was he? Did he grow up on Long Island?

[John Gabris]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

My dad was how many generations Long Islander?

[John Gabris]

We talk, dude. Here's the exclusively. It goes back like, because my. My dad's side of the family, this is where it gets complicated. My dad doesn't know his real dad. He left him when he was young. But my dad's mom was like, only educated up to like second. This is my grandma from the educated up to second grade. Now. This isn't like the antebellum South. This is like 19, 1940s in New York.

[Stavros Halkias]

Holy.

[John Gabris]

She was. They lived on the last like potato farm on Long Island. Wow. My dad's side of the family is. Is so special. It's like. It is like, I should. I should write like a Running with Scissors David Sedaris book about it, but it wouldn't even be funny. That's okay, man. We're all proud of you and you. And you can read.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Yeah. Holy. And they were like, what, immigrated to Long Island?

[John Gabris]

Yeah. I don't know because. Because they were all also like crazy liars. My mom's side came from Naples, Italy, in like the early 1900s, late 1800s or whatever. But they're all stage hands in New York, which is like. Like, if the Irish are to cops in New York, Italians are to stage hands.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's like a mafia union. That's the union job.

[John Gabris]

Yeah, it's like longshoremen and stage hands.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like, interesting.

[John Gabris]

All. All of my cousins are all like, I work off Broadway. I'm doing the. The Amazing John. I went to see the Amazing Jonathan for free. Cause my uncle was doing the.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's fucking awesome. So you probably have like a ginzo cousin that's like working on Cola Scolas. Mary Todd Lincoln.

[John Gabris]

I guarantee someone in the Valentino empire. Yeah, dude. I have so many, like, I have so many cousins that have a name that just ends in Y. I got like six Nicky's, Tommy's, Johnny's jokes always like everyone like that. And so they're. They're all stage hands on that. On that side. Then my dad's side is all just like some sort of welfare scam.

[Stavros Halkias]

Interesting, interesting.

[John Gabris]

That's the house where on Thanksgiving when I was like 11, the police came and in riot gear and broke up like a full blown family. Yeah, like, they had like the helmets and like the shields and the sticks.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh my God.

[John Gabris]

Arresting. Like my dad and uncles.

[Stavros Halkias]

The family, it was a Full family fight. And what are they arguing about?

[John Gabris]

They were. Someone pantsed my grandfather and he started crying. And he was a German immigrant and he was an alcohol. They were all alcohol. Obviously there's an umbrella of alcoholism over here. And my grandpa got pants and he started crying and my dad, I guess it was one of the uncles did it. My dad like attacked him. And they're like, let's take this shit outside.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh my God.

[John Gabris]

And then he's like one of six. So all of a sudden, like, it was like a brother rumble, but they're that level of trash where they're like, this is my friend Marty. He lived on a bunk bed with us in this house for 10 years. It's like, what? And he's like, that guy's in the fight. And it's like, there's like just 50 year old men.

[Stavros Halkias]

Love that dude.

[John Gabris]

A distinct thing I remember was my father kicking the. Out of his little brother, my uncle. And then I was like, dad, that was crazy. You were punching uncle. Leave names out of this. Punching uncle in the face like dozens of times. He's like, he's lucky because I could have kicked. And that's what my dad said. Like I, I treated my, my little brother right by just punching him in the face in front of his kids and mine.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're making some real memories there, dude. Pantsing your father and he starts crying and then you fight your brothers over it is insane.

[John Gabris]

It's aspirational almost. It's like.

[Stavros Halkias]

No, you're right, you're right. What you said about the fact that it's like you're. That your family even figured it out is incredible that your dad just held down a job. I guess your mom got him the stagehand job.

[John Gabris]

Yeah, my mom's dad told my dad, if you get a ged, cut your hair, I'll let you. I'll get you a job and then you can marry my daughter. And my dad was like, fuck it. You know, my mom was a little bit of like an, An Italian American princess.

[Stavros Halkias]

Sure, sure.

[John Gabris]

Like the plastic furniture.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yes.

[John Gabris]

And like, you know, oh, she goes to Catholic school and she's a, she's on the dance squad. You know, she's like, she's 15, dating a gu. Five years older, who's a high school dropout. You know, it's like, that's my dad.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, that's the, that's the Long island, like, fairy tale.

[John Gabris]

Yeah, well, my dad had maybe the most Long island job of the 70s you could possibly have. He Was a car dealer, car detailer, and boat valet down on the dock. He jump onto like rich guys boats and help them park.

[Stavros Halkias]

Just fucking smoking a cigarette.

[John Gabris]

His big story was Johnny. One time this millionaire had only had flip flops and they wouldn't let him in the restaurant. And he gave me $100 to borrow my shoes. He told me that, like, this was like I met a king.

[Stavros Halkias]

The pope blessed me once. Pope John Paul touched the fringe of my khakis. And ever since then, I never. I. I only had luck when I wore those pants.

[John Gabris]

And that man, man Jeff hosted.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's so awesome. Dude, that rules. Step into the world of power, loyalty, and luck.

[John Gabris]

I'm gonna make him an offer he.

[Stavros Halkias]

Can'T refuse with family. Cannolis and spins mean everything.

[John Gabris]

Now you want to get mixed up in the family business.

[Stavros Halkias]

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[John Gabris]

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[Stavros Halkias]

It sounds like you did good, man.

[John Gabris]

You know, what was Baltimore like growing up? Like, what, what. What cruise were you running in? Like, what was. What were you and your friends doing?

[Stavros Halkias]

It was interesting because Baltimore, you could have such a range of outcomes. Because even between me and my brothers, like our adolesces were, all three of us had something different going on. Cause I was just like, I just tested good on like standardized tests and shit.

[John Gabris]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And. And if you went to your publisher.

[John Gabris]

Another thing making me a long lost brother is. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

That like people thinking you're smarter just because your brain worked in that specific way.

[John Gabris]

Yeah, I think I was just as smart as I am now in like sixth grade. And they were like, this kid's a genius. And then I just, like leveled out.

[Stavros Halkias]

My reading comprehension has only dropped, dude. I've read full books and then been like. And then like been in my fucking, like Kindle library and be like, oh, what's that?

[John Gabris]

That?

[Stavros Halkias]

And I'll be like 90 pages in and be like, I have read this before. Like, that's how little I remember how stupid I am. Or I'll read a book and be like, that was awesome. And I'll like recommend it to elders who's like, what's it about? I'm like, it's a, there's a guy and there's somebody. It's in Ireland.

[John Gabris]

Like it's a girl and she's gone.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like I can barely remember the details, but it was. So I went to like the like you tested into, from, from elementary school, you would have to take tests and then you would basically legitimately depending on how you did on this test in fifth grade, a lot of your future is decided, which is so fucked up.

[John Gabris]

Yeah, it's like some, it's like some standardized version of like race sorting slash like redlining. That shit is so real, it's crazy.

[Stavros Halkias]

Cause so like you. I tested well and I got. There was literally like three good middle schools in the whole system, right. And I went to the best one and my brothers went to like the third best one. But even that, even the drop off from that was enough of a like fucking nuts, dude. Like I, my shit was like, kids from my classes went to like hard. They were truly like kids that it was the smartest kids in. And dude, it was actually nice to get into that class. Cause I was the dumbest kid in my class. And that was a freeing feeling in elementary school, you know, I only had to compete with fucking idiots like Eldis. I was the smartest guy at fucking elementary school. And then you get there and I'm like, oh, these kids are so fucking smart. I'm gonna cheat and fucking just have a good ass time. And it really laid out my whole life. I just copied their homework. I was the dumbest guy in the smart classes. And so I didn't really get into anything fucking wild until even like the end of high school. Whereas my brothers, it was like at their school, kids were getting stabbed for Pokemon cards. A pregnant teacher one time was trying to break up. There's kids in the hall trying to fight or whatever and she tried to break it up and a girl elbowed her in the stomach and this bitch fucking cold cocked the child. Holy shit, she was pregnant. She's like, you don't touch my fucking baby. And she literally knocked this little, this girl out.

[John Gabris]

Fuck.

[Stavros Halkias]

It was like. And so the crew was like, I, me and Eldis were friends from like elementary school and it was like we had, we basically had like essentially a long distance friendship and we had another one of our buddies, the, the elusive big p Who will never bring up. He'll, he, he doesn't want his name out there. We would fucking all hang out and like, you know, and I was just kind of like, I went to Greek Youth, like Greek Youth, like after school shit. And like you would get drunk with those kids. But it was like, it was pretty tame in that I was fucking scared of the shit going, like, of everything going. And my parents, we were test tube babies and it took them forever to have kids and so they were like a little older. Everyone will kill you. Everything will kill you. Like, they were so scared.

[John Gabris]

They were so blessed that you were like, they got you. Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

They were so protective and like, don't. You can't. Like we weren't allowed like walk to like the rec center until I was like, you know, 14 or something. So I was like. And then it was like. And then, you know, once you get the fucking. Once we got. Once I was whipping my mom's Dodge Grand Caravan.

[John Gabris]

Oh, hell yeah. Very familiar.

[Stavros Halkias]

Then we're smoking weed and listening to Lil Wayne and getting no pussy whatsoever.

[John Gabris]

But it was just another parallel. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We, we were, we were drinking, listening to Weezer, getting no pussy.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[John Gabris]

I, I, I went to like a, all black and Hispanic school system up until I was in like sixth grade. I was just like one of like five white kids in the grade. So I was only ever being bullied just for being white.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right.

[John Gabris]

And that was just kind of like felt normal. Then when I moved like my, when my mom. This is like the most, this is like the dark side of the American dream. It's like my mom got a second income and we moved to like two towns over to a much better school system. And then it was way more white kids. And then I was bullied for who I was for being a loser. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And then all of a sudden I.

[John Gabris]

Was like, oh, no. I have like no defense to this. These people are like, you're a. And I was a new kid. So then I latched on to what we are still all friends to three 43 year old guys called the Nerd Herd. And we, we still are on a text thread where it's about video games.

[Stavros Halkias]

And about D. Oh, it sounds very similar.

[John Gabris]

Yeah, we like, I found these dudes and we like stuck together and started playing Dungeon Dragons. But then in seventh grade, we were just enough of like, almost like we were freaks that were entertaining. We got like kind of gesturized.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yes, yes.

[John Gabris]

All the cool kids would be like, we're drinking in Martin Avenue tonight. Do you guys want. We'll buy you 40s. You come hang out. Because everyone of everyone in our grade had older brothers, except for like, us freaks were the old kids. So the older brothers in the high school, would they already like full back their way to a social life. And so in ninth grade, starting in seventh grade, we were just drinking every Friday and Saturday night.

[Stavros Halkias]

Hell yeah, dude.

[John Gabris]

And in hindsight, being bullied, being like, yeah. Remember when Mike's older brother made me do the truffle shuffle on the diving board in front of all those girls? And I started crying and I was like, how funny was that?

[Stavros Halkias]

When I think about it now, I'm.

[John Gabris]

Like, oh my God.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[John Gabris]

The older brother, he used to play a game called Gaylord. And the way Gaylord worked was it was a swimming race and whoever lost had to go up against the fence with their pants down and get a basketball thrown at them. This guy was six years older than us. We were 14 racing against, he's like, I win, line up.

[Stavros Halkias]

This guy was 20 hang out with.

[John Gabris]

14 year old, just absolutely bullying us. My friend's older brother, Jesus Christ. They did something called the stamp of approval, which was he just pulled your shirt up and slapped you on the backside. We were like, the Uruk hai. We all had like these big ass handprints on her.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're like, it's so awesome being cool. You're like, I'm so finally making friends. Mom and dad, I don't need to go to Taekwondo anymore.

[John Gabris]

We would be like playing D and D in his basement at a sleepover. And then the older brother would like come home drunk with, with like five cool kids who in hindsight were absolute just dirt pieces of shit. Yeah, they were cool. Cause they had rims and speakers and jobs. Even though, like having a full time job instead of high school is not like. But to us, it was like this guy fucking cool.

[Stavros Halkias]

Believe me, dude, that's the one. Another parallel is like Greek people. Half the kids, dads just had carryouts and like had diners or carryouts. So it was like the kids that were awesome had the job they have now when they were 16. They were like managers of a shitty pizza restaurant. They had Nextels. They had like fucking used BMWs. They were getting pussy. And I was like, dude, they made fun of me for going to college. They were like, what are you going to college? Pussy?

[John Gabris]

And I was already making 57k a year. It's an unfathomable number.

[Stavros Halkias]

I remember being like, one day, Maybe I make 45k a year, get a house in Greek Town. Like that's. I couldn't fathom moving when I was like, you know, until I was like, I guess till I went to college. And I was like, you just meet. Even though I went to a shitty small school, you just meet enough different people that it's like. But I remember how parochial it felt where I was just like, yeah, maybe someday I can live. I never even at first I was like, I'm gonna stay in Greek Town. I'm gonna just get a nice job.

[John Gabris]

I couldn't. I just imagined being wealthy enough to move closer to the beach. Yeah, that's all I had was like, I'm not gonna leave Long Island. Yeah, I know mom's a 10 minute drive from Jonesboro beach. But what if I was a five minute drive? I wasn't dreaming of on the beach. That was for a different class. That's so fun. I think about this. I went to that small college outside of New York solely because this is like where my mom's like, this is cute. And it's less than three hours away in hindsight. But I remember being like in my early 20s in New York, walking past a bar on Saturday and college football's on and I just like stop and look in and I see that there's a University of Hawaii playing. And I go to my buddy, I'm like, they have colleges in Hawaii? He's like, yeah. I'm like, what the fuck? And then I just like in that moment realized I can do anything.

[Stavros Halkias]

Dude, believe me. I only applied to the University of Maryland. The University of Maryland, Baltimore county, which is where I went, and Johns Hopkins, which was like the good school that was me thinking, which is in Baltimore City. And I got wait listed at Hopkins and I got into the other two and UMBC gave me a scholarship. And I was, I was like, guess that's where I'm going. And then I remember, I actually remember this moment of listening to. And I also just went to college. Cause my parents, I'm an immigrant. I was the first person in my family. Like, it's the only reason I went. And I remember listening to. I think it was Donald Glover's Marin. And he talks about how he went to NYU for comedy writing. And I was like, the same moment of you with the Hawaii. I was like, what the fuck?

[John Gabris]

Yeah, the dream.

[Stavros Halkias]

I was like, I could go to school for. I don't have to pretend to care about history and then do shitty open books mics. I could have just gone to school for comedy.

[John Gabris]

I mean. Yeah, nyu. NYU kind of broke me open too when I started doing UCB classes at 22.

[Stavros Halkias]

And you meet.

[John Gabris]

And I'm meeting like, my buddy Dominic Deus, and he's like, yeah, I've been in UCB classes since I was 17. I'm like, oh, you're 22 and got the world like, oh, you, you man. Like, you move to. I'm moving to the city. I'm living in a loft that's getting set on fire like every weekend.

[Stavros Halkias]

Was that. Yeah. What's your first move to New York? What's the setup like?

[John Gabris]

I moved to.

[Stavros Halkias]

You graduate, I guess.

[John Gabris]

I do graduate. I live at home for like nine months. My first summer home, I worked Monday through Friday as a PA at VH1, and then Saturday and Sunday, 10 hour days at the beach. Cause I couldn't give up my lifeguarding job. Cause even to date, I've been a travel show host. I've been on Drunk History. I get paid to talk about action movies with my friends. And lifeguarding is still the best job I've ever had. I'm on. On. I'm on the LA Fire department email list about the lifeguard test. Because this is. My midlife crisis is. I'll get on test and the TRT roided out life. Why not?

[Stavros Halkias]

Dude, let's all return. Who are we pretending?

[John Gabris]

Dude, I. I would be. So, like, you could still podcast as a lifeguard. No, of course.

[Stavros Halkias]

Action. You'd be better at action. Boys. If you were on trt, you would be. Literally, it would be better.

[John Gabris]

I can use my business account to buy my trt.

[Stavros Halkias]

You would understand it. You would tap in in a primal way if you were a. A guy from Long island in his 40s on steroids. That's who needs to be watching mid tier Rob Van Dam movies. You know what I mean? Like, that would be perfect. So true.

[John Gabris]

Also, now that you say it, it's like most of the successful podcasters in our industry are on TRT as well.

[Stavros Halkias]

Abs, Are you kidding me?

[John Gabris]

All the. All the guys with Spotify money, all the bears in caves.

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't even know what the Bert's on. He. He told.

[John Gabris]

He told me I took two days off drinking and now I have a six pack. Okay.

[Stavros Halkias]

He's on some. He's on medicines I haven't heard of. He told me that one. I was like, what is that? He's like, I don't even. He doesn't even know.

[John Gabris]

They're like concierge hospital. I got to get there.

[Stavros Halkias]

Dude, I need. Dude, I'm ready to get Zed up.

[John Gabris]

I said to.

[Stavros Halkias]

I am ready, bro.

[John Gabris]

This. I'm on a. A text thread with a couple of friends exclusively about, like, when are you gonna pull the needle or whatever.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm gonna be the guinea pig because I'm ready to. I. I took this whole year to try and get. And I lost 45 pounds.

[John Gabris]

Hey, that. That is fucking no joke.

[Stavros Halkias]

But the second we shot tires, and the second I'm on a set with fucking unlimited uncrustables.

[John Gabris]

Second, your routine is broken, like, in the slightest.

[Stavros Halkias]

Exactly, dude. Even a little bit. And I have snacks. I gained 20 pounds back.

[John Gabris]

And you don't have to tell me about, like, oh, well, I worked today. Even if it is.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[John Gabris]

Being on the set of Friends.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[John Gabris]

Like, I work today, so I deserve.

[Stavros Halkias]

I deserve. You know, and it's like, look, I.

[John Gabris]

Had a bad day. I deserve this. I had a great day. I deserve.

[Stavros Halkias]

And then you get into, like, well, I had a bad day today. I ate. I ate kind of bad. I'm not gonna eat healthy for dinner when I get home.

[John Gabris]

I'm getting Popeyes.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Today's over some calls. Yeah.

[John Gabris]

Already.

[Stavros Halkias]

As if it's like a pl. It's like a pass fail situation, and it's not amount of calories ingested. I'm like, well, today goes in the X column. Tomorrow will be a check.

[John Gabris]

Yeah. It's like getting, like, the fourth star in gta. You're like, it. I'll use a bazooka on the helicopter.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right, Right.

[John Gabris]

Rather than trying to cool off, switch to salad. You're like, I'm fucking annihilating my innards.

[Stavros Halkias]

Today I'm getting two, three pieces. Because I've done the math, and it's cheaper that way. On Uber Eats, thanks to this way, the Spec Astoria Popeyes lists their chicken. Like, I know all the little tricks.

[John Gabris]

Oh.

[Stavros Halkias]

This way you get the sauces for free and you don't have to pay. They have crazy upcharge on their sauces, but if you get two separate ones, they each come with two sauces. It's like, you know that level of fucking. I know.

[John Gabris]

I save four bucks. Yeah. I pay a $27 service fee, but I save four bucks and don't have to make eye contact with anyone. Yeah, this. That's so funny. I literally said to myself, like, in the beginning of the year, I'm like, I'm not gonna do a Zenback. I'm gonna take this year to really. And then, like, we Are recording this on December 9th.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[John Gabris]

And I turned to my wife today. This morning, I was like, I was supposed to lose weight this year. Like I remember, like I was supposed to move my car.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, Yeah.

[John Gabris]

I was like, oh, wasn't I supposed to lose £50 this year? Oh, shoot, I forgot. I put on six instead. Yeah. It's like something I'm constantly thinking about and I don't understand what my hesitancy is.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm with you, dude. Yeah.

[John Gabris]

And part of me thinks it's like I don't want to be on a medication, but I'm already on blood pressure medications that I could foreseeably get off of if I was at the Ghost.

[Stavros Halkias]

And it's like I have done every other drug. Like now I care about drugs. I used to take pills off the floor.

[John Gabris]

I know. I just. That's how I got so pro vaccine when I was like, brother, me too, brother. I drank blue juice for 10 years. Me too. I was like, I'm gonna shoot me up.

[Stavros Halkias]

There's no way this is worse than.

[John Gabris]

The like the cicadas for money.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, I know. I don't even trust it, but I don't care. I think it's 50. 50. It works or it doesn't. But in the 50% chance it works, I'll take it. I rolled the dice on worse.

[John Gabris]

I'm not gonna die from vaccine. Yeah. I got a long list of shit that's gonna take.

[Stavros Halkias]

Me and Eldis smoked codeine. We crushed up. We crushed up bills in a shitty gas station. Metal essentially a crack pipe. And sprinkled a little horrible weed on it and watched a Tanya Harding documentary. It's not. Whatever they're doing is not going to be fun. And by the way, in the comics.

[John Gabris]

That would like turn you into a hero or a villain. Like that would be your origin story.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh yeah, for sure, Sure.

[John Gabris]

I was at a arcade fire. This is like the whitest 40 year old guy story ever.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah.

[John Gabris]

I was at an arcade fire show at Central Park Summer stage and I just started smoking weed in like my mid-20s and a dude turns to me, he's like, you want a hit of this? And I'm like, oh man, this is awesome. I take a rip and this and like a movie. The second I hand it back to him, he's like, it's got that cheese in it. And I was like, that must mean like we. And then I go back in the script and I. It must have been like dust or something cuz I just immediately was the most up I've ever been in my entire life. Like, I look over at my. My wife is there who didn't hit it, and I'm like, good thing you didn't hit the weed. She's like, what's the matter? You're so sweaty.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're sweating.

[John Gabris]

I just, like, immediately start sweating. And, like, you think David Bowie or Bruce Springsteen's gonna come out for the end of the set?

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm like.

[John Gabris]

Immediately I was like, I don't know what I just spoke.

[Stavros Halkias]

I've never heard of the cheese. Yeah, me neither. Got that cheese in it.

[John Gabris]

Another time in Puerto Rico, I smoked a blunt with some dude, and he kept saying, it's got that something. And I could not. He had enough of an accent. He wasn't even Puerto Rican. He was like a southern black guy.

[Stavros Halkias]

But his accent was so heavy, I.

[John Gabris]

Still couldn't tell what he was saying. And he's like, I got the. It's what? He's like, that manskin. And I'm like, the what? He goes, it hits you right here. And I'm like, just smoking it.

[Stavros Halkias]

And I'm like, cool. And I went to.

[John Gabris]

I'm with my buddy Adam, and I'm like, should we, like, really follow up as to what's in here? What are we doing? And we're like. We're at this point of, like, hospitality where we're like, we have to smoke the whole blunt with the blunt.

[Stavros Halkias]

You don't want to be rude.

[John Gabris]

Yeah. So I'm just smoking a whole blunt of, like. And I can't truly.

[Stavros Halkias]

I love that you smoked the whole thing. You weren't just like, let me take a little puff.

[John Gabris]

I should have just gone like, oh, hey, man, good hanging out. Instead I was like, oh, let me try me right here.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[John Gabris]

My heart is racing. And that's good, right?

[Stavros Halkias]

I know, man. The. The. I've taken this year to be sober, and it sucks. I mean, I will do drugs again for sure.

[John Gabris]

You. Wait, you did a whole.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, pretty soon. So I turned 35, and I was like, I gotta have at least one more year of my life. So, like, the last time I was totally sober for a year was probably when I was, like, 13, right? So I was just like, all right, I need one year on record as an adult, sober. And I also was on the road and getting so fucked up, and I thought I was like, you know what? We'll stay for a year. And I'll probably not. I'll probably just like being sober, but I do not.

[John Gabris]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And I want to, but I think I'll probably just stick to just light weed.

[John Gabris]

That's where I'm trying. That's where I'm trying to get at, too. I'm in, like, a legit, like, health crisis point in my life.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like, where I'm like, now's the time.

[John Gabris]

In the pandemic, I shifted my relationship with booze in such a way that I'm very happy with my new relationship with booze. But then I ruined my relationship with cannabis and food. And now I've got to, like, get back to some sort of my dream. This is such old man. But my dream is to treat cannabis how normies treat alcohol, right? Where it's like, all right, Friday night, I'm done with work. I can get high. Instead of, like, me driving up to an audition with, like, a joint in my mouth and, like, tapping a car, parallel parking and like, why do I.

[Stavros Halkias]

Believe me, dude, Me doing the math of like, all right, if the edible hits now and the show is in six hours, I'll be coming down. If I have an espresso, I'll probably be okay. The first one will be a little rough, but by the second show, and It's a fucking 2,000 seat theater. And I'm like, these people have, like, got a babysitter. It's like, the fuck, they planned it for months.

[John Gabris]

And I'm like, this is the most relatable shit. I always like, if I have to go do a show, the way I like to treat, I tell myself, is like, I'll eat an edible on the drive home. And then I get home and I'm high. And so I say to my wife when I'm leaving, and I'm like, I'm going to bring edibles to eat on the drive home from the podcast because it's Sunday night, we're vibing out or whatever. And she's like, didn't you just say it's only 10 minutes away? And I was like, yeah, I'll just wait. Like, I have to be like, you're right. I should wait 10 minutes to come. I'm like, gotta eat drugs in my car. I gotta eat gummies in my car real quick before I try.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, you set an alarm to go on during the pod and just pop an edible.

[John Gabris]

That'd be awesome. You have, like the Monday through Sunday, like, vitamin things, and it's just got, like, weird starburst in it.

[Stavros Halkias]

Pictures of scooby doo with 25 milligrams. Yeah, that would be a fucking awesome. But yeah, I'm with you, dude. Because I was thinking about this where I'm like, I'm looking at the way the tour is set up because I also don't want to go crazy on the road. But I'm like.

[John Gabris]

Because it's so already. It's already so easy to treat yourself when you're on the road because you, like.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[John Gabris]

Feel like. Or you feel out of whack and you're like.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. You're lonely.

[John Gabris]

We have in the lobby is like a. Yeah. Steakhouse or whatever.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yes. So I'm just like, all right, I'll smoke weed. I won't smoke weed unless I have the day off the next day. Like, I'm trying to kind of put some, um. We'll see.

[John Gabris]

You know, I've been trying to. I've been. Another thing I'm doing. This is again, all weird old man shit. Which. This is our huberman.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Are you fat as shit and can barely control your vices?

[John Gabris]

Here's sauna's cold plunges. Forget fucking CrossFit. This is just how you smoke. Slightly less weed per week. A little less weed from two of.

[Stavros Halkias]

The fattest guys that are.

[John Gabris]

Take it from us.

[Stavros Halkias]

Take it from us. Guys have been getting fatter every year their entire lives.

[John Gabris]

Get back to two bears, one hospital bed.

[Stavros Halkias]

But you know what? I have a sneaking suspicion we have some incredibly fat men listening right now. That this will actually help.

[John Gabris]

Because luckily, here's something that we forget every once in a while. We call ourselves fat all the time. We are objectively overweight gentlemen. We are la fat. But then when you go to Dallas, you are like a fudgeing college athlete. These guys get out with that like, like three tiered fupas.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're like, sweatpants.

[John Gabris]

Like, everything is like. You have like, pubic hair in their fucking neck, you know?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[John Gabris]

And you're like, okay. I forget because all my friends are on trt or wealthy with personal trainers.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yes. Well, no, I remember feeling that when we literally in Dallas, remember elders, remember how roomy those booths were. It was the first time sat in a restaurant. We were like, I don't have to move my side of the table a little bit to the other side.

[John Gabris]

I'm so tired of walking into a restaurant with my wife and her going like, yeah, you need to sit over here, right? Like, it's like the reverse of a booster seat. You're going to go lay on the floor here next to that bowl full of bread and butter. You're like, ain't Jabba no Bob dy. As she chokes out with a chain.

[Stavros Halkias]

What are you going to do?

[John Gabris]

I've been trying to be way more present with my weed where I'm like, this is the blunt. I'm going to smoke.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, let's enjoy it.

[John Gabris]

You know what I mean? And I like, try to, like, settle in because previously I'm just like, just mind off. Baldur's Gate 3 hour 175 and I'm just, oh, chain smoking joints. And I'm not. I'm not even enjoying it. I'm just trying to not be sober.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're just trying to get your head. You're trying to fast forward your brain.

[John Gabris]

A little bit, Just time travel to happiness fully.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're like, maybe in six hours I'll not be depressed. Maybe I won't want to kill myself when I come off this edible.

[John Gabris]

Yeah, when you're in the pocket on cannabis, your schedule starts looking like, well, tomorrow I have that podcast. It's done at 3, and then I don't have anything till 2 the next day. Yeah, that's like a good 23 hours. Just degeneracy. Solo degeneracy.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like true.

[John Gabris]

Like, shut the lights off, troll.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like, yes, you.

[John Gabris]

You mentioned opening up your Kindle. The frequency in which I'm like, oh, Scott Adkins martial arts movie. Sick. Press play. It's like, continue.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[John Gabris]

Watch an hour of this and then you put it on. You're like, oh, I watch an hour of this multiple times.

[Stavros Halkias]

Let's. Let's run back the first 40 minutes of Revenger right now. That's a banger. That's a good one. All right, well, look, we've already started giving advice to the fat weed heads out there. Why not keep it moving and really address some of these questions directly? All right.

[John Gabris]

The premise of the podcast, of course.

[Stavros Halkias]

Of course, of course. Yeah, yeah.

[John Gabris]

Now that he stopped talking about his problems.

[Stavros Halkias]

No, no, we like to introduce our guests so they know exactly who they're dealing with, what expertise you have to help them. And I think you really do hear and, yeah, at the midway point, some stuff to plug Action Boys. I'm a fan.

[John Gabris]

Oh, thank you so much.

[Stavros Halkias]

Whatever else you want to plug.

[John Gabris]

You mentioned the Gino Lombardo show. I'm putting out physical media of all 30 episodes of Gino's. I. I made a separate series that was behind a paywall for a long time, but now I'm selling a cassette tape with, like, all original art for this Long island artist, and it has all 30 episodes. It's a USB drive that looks like a cassette tape. And that's on [e-mail] yeah, I'm gonna.

[Stavros Halkias]

Pick me up one of those.

[John Gabris]

I'm trying. You know, if comedy doesn't work out, I' fucking merch, dude.

[Stavros Halkias]

Believe me, the first, the only. Actually, I should fucking plug the calendars. The first successful thing I can offer. Thank you. The first thing that ever made me money was a nude calendar. Merch is the way to go, brother. Merch is it.

[John Gabris]

It is.

[Amanda]

Ryan Seacrest here. There was a recent social media trend which consisted of flying on a plane with no music, no movies, no entertainment. But a better trend would be going to chumbacasino.com it's like having a mini social casino in your pocket. Chumba casino has over 100 online casino style games, all absolutely free. It's the most fun you can have online and on a plane. So grab your free welcome bonus [e-mail] sponsored by Chumba Casino. No purchase necessary vgw group void where prohibited by law 18 + terms and conditions apply.

[Ryan Seacrest]

This message comes from Pemco Mutual Insurance Company. You know that moment when things take an unexpected turn and you get that sudden sinking feeling that maybe it could have been avoided? Pemco Insurance wants to help you avoid avoid that feeling by sharing prevention tips that empower you to prevent some of life's preventable pitfalls. Because Pemco's commitment to their customers goes beyond the moment of acclaim. It's about being with their customers every day. [e-mail] prevention yeah, go check that out.

[Stavros Halkias]

Buy the cassette, USB, listen to the pods and yeah, let's take some fucking calls here.

[Caller 1]

Eldest I will be firing away bits. Hello, my name is Amanda. If it sounds weird, I'm currently walking my dog, but I am with the same guy. For our 10 year anniversary is coming up, April 2025. We are so happy together. We love each other very much. I never thought this would happen to me. And it did. This guy's a cat.

[Stavros Halkias]

Nice.

[Caller 1]

And context. I am bisexual. He is straight as a arrow.

[John Gabris]

Perfect.

[Caller 1]

And we have talked about maybe opening our relationship strictly sexually to invite a third into the bedroom.

[Stavros Halkias]

No problem.

[Caller 1]

Definitely a woman. I'm not any other man ever again in my life. Sorry. Love you guys.

[Stavros Halkias]

But come on.

[Caller 1]

And we have talked about it in depth and length. Had really fruitful, healthy conversations about it. Love him so much. We've gone so far. I'm like, we're both kind of ready and I don't know how to find Somebody that would us. I kind of want to watch some other hot chick suck my boyfriend's dick. I'm sorry. And yes, he's my boyfriend. We're not married. We don't want to get married. I don't want to hear any about that. Like, you just want to find somebody and have some fun.

[Stavros Halkias]

Fun.

[Caller 1]

We're both ready for it. We love it. I love him so much. I am his first girlfriend ever.

[John Gabris]

Okay.

[Caller 1]

For me, I want to watch this, have some fun, you know?

[Stavros Halkias]

Interesting.

[Caller 1]

I'm not saying I was a before we met, but I've got a couple partners, you know, so. And I've never gotten off before him.

[Stavros Halkias]

Never gotten off.

[Caller 1]

I'm very happy.

[Stavros Halkias]

This is interesting.

[Caller 1]

So, yeah, I just want some advice. Like, how do you go out? How do you find someone out? Want to use a dating app? I don't want to it. I don't know. How do you find people that want to. Your boyfriend? Let me know. Love you guys. You guys rock.

[John Gabris]

I think I'm on the wrong show. Wait, what?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. This is hilarious.

[John Gabris]

This is wild.

[Stavros Halkias]

This is awesome.

[John Gabris]

Is Amanda a real person? Because it seems like she's, like, created by a male screenwriter. I just want to watch my virgin boyfriend get his dick sucked by a stranger.

[Stavros Halkias]

My virgin boyfriend who makes me bust.

[John Gabris]

So much, he's the only one who's ever hit me deep. What the fuck?

[Stavros Halkias]

You're so right. This feels like an AI generated. Like, this is like someone's. This is someone's like Joe Pantoliano Matrix fantasy.

[John Gabris]

This is like an incels.

[Stavros Halkias]

This is like a guy who's never gotten pussy. He's like, oh, put me back. I want a bisexual girl that wants me to let me a girl I'll kill. I'll fucking destroy the Nebuchadnezzar.

[John Gabris]

She needs to not know the steps to make it happen. She needs to reach out to two guys, probably with limited experience in these departments.

[Stavros Halkias]

I love this.

[John Gabris]

This is like open Instagram in front of my wife. You think we're going to fucking be able to figure out how to get a third chance?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yes.

[John Gabris]

No.

[Stavros Halkias]

This obviously cannot be m. Man driven. You need a woman with the exact kind of mental illness that our friend here has.

[John Gabris]

Yeah. You need. Amanda needs to someone to match her freak.

[Stavros Halkias]

Absolutely.

[John Gabris]

Because then the hus. The boyfriend, not your husband. Sorry, I don't want to give you that.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[John Gabris]

That's a little defensive.

[Stavros Halkias]

We don't believe in the patriarchy here.

[John Gabris]

That's kind of wild that she's his first Lay, too.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. I mean, let's see. Let's say they're in their 30s. They met when they were, like, 20 or something.

[John Gabris]

You know what I mean? It's not undeniable. I mean, I. Like, my wife's. My third leg.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's. Yeah, that's. That isn't. That's. Again, that's what I. When I think about the, like, the multiverse thing, I'm like, seems nice.

[John Gabris]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

So it's great to not constantly have to.

[John Gabris]

I haven't worn a condom in 20 years. Haven't sweated one minute. You know what I mean?

[Stavros Halkias]

Like, yes. Yes, I have. I've sweated. I'll tell you that much. We have something similar in the condom department, but I have had a couple sweats.

[John Gabris]

I, too, dislike condoms, but I have to deal with this.

[Stavros Halkias]

But it has come with some sleepless nights, I'll tell you that much.

[John Gabris]

Just banking on my own lack of motility.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, I'm this fat. I drank a lot of Mountain Dew.

[John Gabris]

I'd pull. I spent my 20s in a Speedo in the hot tub. There's no way my boys are cooked.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay, so very interesting setup our friend here has. Look, if that's what you want, I'm not gonna dissuade you. Especially since it feels like a nice thing you're doing. Since he's never fucked another woman, part of me would say, do you really wanna open up Pandora's box like this? You seem very happy.

[John Gabris]

It would be his second pussy. Like, whoa. He'd be like, this is.

[Stavros Halkias]

Aw. Other women rocks. I want to do more of this.

[John Gabris]

Wait, he's got, like. Like a kid who's been in, like, homeschooled. Going to Baskin Robbins. There's 30 other flavors.

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't have to get vanilla.

[John Gabris]

Not saying you're vanilla. I'm not saying even ch Gets tired.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, she's definitely a good flavor. I can tell.

[John Gabris]

You can tell.

[Stavros Halkias]

You can tell this woman who makes this call. Good. No doubt about it. But look, why don't you want to go on a dating app? I don't understand. You're bi, right? Here's the thing. You're finding a woman to fuck, and you're gonna. And obviously, you should make. I mean, I've seen there's couples who are on, like, Tinder. There's also Field. Yes.

[John Gabris]

E L D, which seems to be.

[Stavros Halkias]

The one where it's, like, you're gonna find, like. I bet you there are women in your specific situation. Not in your. But, like, minded Women that would find this incredibly hot, that would find the idea of even the like being the temptress for a man who's only fucked one woman. Like this is an erotic setup for freaks where it's like, I think, but I think you gotta open up your mind and go to a more freak, a more freak centric thing because you.

[John Gabris]

Want someone who wants it to be just about sex, sex party situation or like some sort of.

[Stavros Halkias]

Even a sex worker. Why not? You want it to be purely sexual. You don't want. You don't want him to, you know, get this woman. You know, it's. He's not gonna pretty. Well, it's not gonna be a pretty.

[John Gabris]

Woman at your coffee shop. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know what somebody he knows like, oh, this woman he's had a crush on for, you know that he says.

[John Gabris]

Also I would say maybe Amanda, don't ask him who he wants because that might be telling on. Because imagine like you get that my wife goes, babe, who do you want to add? And I'm like your friend Blank. She's like, what? You're like, oh, you didn't want me to have that answer locked and ready to go. Your aunt.

[Stavros Halkias]

Your recently widowed aunt. I think we can get her while she's, while she's vulnerable out. So yeah, I don't know, I would say open you. You're happy with whatever. I think treat him to a nice high end sex worker. Nothing wrong with that. Or if not, yeah, go to like a freak forward dating app. I don't know why you're so against dating apps. I would personally say let this feel less like dating and more like a sexual adventure.

[John Gabris]

Yes, like an appointment.

[Stavros Halkias]

Exactly, exactly. Because like you have a great relationship. I'm a little, you know, we're not. We're not. Don't slut shame here. We're not prudes by any means, but I'm literally.

[John Gabris]

We're not prudes here. But I am literally out of my depth. I'm hard as a rock focus at all. This is honestly, after being married for 20 years, this is like seeing the university Hawaii. Wait, there's chicks out there who want to see someone else suck like that?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, there are, but they probably would have fogging like stolen your carburetor when you were playing Baldur's Gate.

[John Gabris]

Did you delete my Baldur's Gate save?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, you do.

[John Gabris]

Deserved it. I stole all your Star wars customizable cards. Not my ob's lightsaber.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yes, that was black rim.

[John Gabris]

Sorry.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay.

[John Gabris]

Getting genuinely upset about a hypothetical Situation I gave myself like sense memory, anxiety.

[Stavros Halkias]

Not my actually did that. That will piss me off. But you guys have a nice thing going. I would keep the variables you introduced to a minimum, make them purely sexual. Sexual. That's my advice to you. Go. You know, that's. That is hot.

[John Gabris]

I would say like you would want to present it as like a one time thing with, you know, with. In the back your mind, hey, if we dig this, we could do it again.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[John Gabris]

But I wouldn't like want to say. I don't think you should say to your partner cold here of like, we're ready to start bringing heads in.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[John Gabris]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Dip your toes in the water. Don't cannonball into the waters of strange to take a little beep, you know what I mean?

[John Gabris]

Could be really shallow. Shallow could be one of those things where gets caught on the filter, gives you the pink sock. You gotta be careful.

[Stavros Halkias]

You gotta be careful. Yeah, this is quite the setup.

[John Gabris]

Yeah, I think I like read that in like Penthouse. That's the kind of when you're like at a sleepover party, you're like, imagine.

[Stavros Halkias]

Dude, that's my car. That's the wife I want. She lets me other chicks and she eats too.

[John Gabris]

I wanted, Yeah, I just wanted a. I want. Wanted Jenny McCarthy because she had huge tits and like did fake nose picking. That's the pinnacle of women.

[Stavros Halkias]

I really wish that what I. The character I just did isn't what. In the back of my mind I hope my wife is like.

[John Gabris]

You know what I mean?

[Stavros Halkias]

Like, I'm like, I'm like holding out hope that I get a. That specific kind of bisexual woman, but probably won't happen.

[John Gabris]

I'm.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm open for love, even if you're more conventional ladies. And if you just want to suck me off, hit the DMs lead with your tits. It never hurts. Next. Next question. Elvis.

[Caller 2]

Hey, Stavros. Elvis. Friends. I'll try to keep this short and sweet. So I'm a grad student at some university in the southeast of the U.S. and, and I'm in my fourth year.

[Stavros Halkias]

Of hopefully four years, maybe five.

[Caller 2]

And I made this friend the first year. He's in my. He's in my class or whatever of like six other grad mates that were gonna, you know, be graduating together.

[Stavros Halkias]

Nice man.

[Caller 2]

And you know, he's really like my. He was my only friend that I kind of made out of these six people. And you know, he, he. We got comfortable with each other. He started sharing more and more about, you know, his beliefs and Things.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, no.

[John Gabris]

Oh, no.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know, long story short, a couple.

[Caller 2]

Months ago, he kind of confesses to me that he's like a literal Nazi.

[Stavros Halkias]

What?

[Caller 2]

Or at least a fascist is the word.

[John Gabris]

What the.

[Caller 2]

So, you know, I don't know what the. To do. He's not my friend anymore, that's for sure. And I've been ignoring him.

[John Gabris]

Suck his dick.

[Caller 2]

But my main.

[Stavros Halkias]

See a guy in an SS uniform, put his thumbs in his ass and suck his dick. Is that so much to ask? Keep going, Elvis.

[Caller 2]

For sure. And I've been ignoring him. He's been hitting me up. But my main concern is, like, do I just let this guy, this fascist, exist?

[Stavros Halkias]

I mean, what are you gonna do.

[Caller 2]

Like, throughout the world? Not really throughout the world, but, you know, in my program, amongst my peers and, like, just not tell anyone about it.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm not.

[Caller 2]

I don't want to report him and play into the rights. Cancel culture.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's a little different.

[Caller 2]

Let me know. Let me know what you guys think I should do. All right, thank you.

[Stavros Halkias]

I mean, this is wild.

[John Gabris]

This is such a modern ish. I mean, it's also like an ancient 1940s issue somehow. It's also now it's such a modern issue.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Yeah. My friend is secretly a Nazi in grad school.

[John Gabris]

That feels crazy too. Yeah, he's studying, like, brain size. Yeah. He's a phrenologist.

[Stavros Halkias]

In my phrenology program.

[John Gabris]

We found a literal Nazi. My white Argentinian friend.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. My Argentinian friend, Claude.

[John Gabris]

This is fucking crazy. And I actually don't know what to do.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, I don't think it's fucking super cut and dry. I mean, depending on how much of a friend he is. Here's the thing. You always have to make an attempt, I think, like, we always say, have a conversation, even if it doesn't go right. Cause, like, sometimes people like this get alienated because, like, this might. Ha. How many times do you. It doesn't always happen, but there are those weirdly heartwarming stories where someone just talks to someone and it's so clear they became waiting for them because no one accept them. They were abused. They were like, that shit happens. And now maybe this guy doesn't wanna do that. He doesn't wanna be the guy who reforms a Nazi. And I also fully understand that that's not your responsibility. It's not your responsibility. But it's like, how good a friend is he? And be like, can you explain to me? You can have the conversation? Like, hey, man, it's one thing to have different Political beliefs. I just don't, I don't think people are inferior. Like where did this start? Like where is this coming from? Like I really think, and you're my.

[John Gabris]

Friend, this is the right move. I think this guy needs to at least hear that you don't want to engage with him anymore because of that.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right, right.

[John Gabris]

He needs to know that this, this is in your mind, caller. This is the wrong choice that this guy made. Maybe he hasn't heard that yet because no one online is going, hey, I know we're all Nazis in this chat room. Has anyone ever thought about like, has anyone ever met a cool black guy?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah. And so like, dude, will this work? Probably not, right? But it's also like if it's an actual friend and not. He says it is, right? He says it's like the guy who stuck around for like six years.

[John Gabris]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know what? Like I do think it merits like some discussion of like, you know, what the fuck, dude? Like what? For real, where did this come from? I don't think, you know, you don't strike me as this kind of person. This is very hateful ideology. Like I don't think, like I think this shit is fucked up and have that conversation. He might just, you know, say you're fucking, say you're a libtard or you know what I mean, say you're a pussy, whatever. Sometimes people are too entrenched.

[John Gabris]

But the fact that there's some psychology behind the fact that this guy hit it for so long, for sure because like the one thing I know about these guys is they like to share.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's true.

[John Gabris]

I've never sit next to someone at a bar out of town and they turn to me and go like I'm crazy liberal, whatever.

[Stavros Halkias]

I think we should.

[John Gabris]

The people who are down to tell you what they believe are usually Trump guys.

[Stavros Halkias]

Dude, come. You know, between you and me, I think we should have maternity leave over. I think women should get a year maternity leave.

[John Gabris]

I say openly the borders.

[Stavros Halkias]

But yeah, I don't know, I mean this is very. This is weird. And yeah, you got to I guess sort of make the attempt.

[John Gabris]

I have like a million more follow ups. Cuz I'm. I'm curious how this guy revealed himself to be a literal Nazi or at least a fascist as the phrase you used. Like. Cuz those are slightly different categories and.

[Stavros Halkias]

I mean neither of them are good.

[John Gabris]

No. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And then it's also like, what do you do about it? I mean certainly you can just, if it comes up, be like, you don't have to snitch, but it's like, you don't have to report him, obviously. I don't know. I mean, at the end of the day, is this guy doing hateful shit or is he just like a fucking weird. He also, some of these guys do it for attention. Some of these guys, like, it's like, you know, you can tell your friends, hey, what happened? You never hang out with Mark? Well, this motherfucker. This, this and this. And it's like, that's. It is funny because this is. There's an old Mark Norman joke of like, when someone confesses they're racist to you, and you're like, you know, I. I think what you're saying is horrible, but I didn't. I didn't know. You think. I didn't think. I didn't know you thought we were this close.

[John Gabris]

Like, it's like.

[Stavros Halkias]

It is like a weird badge of honor how much he likes the guy.

[John Gabris]

I guess we're better friends than I.

[Stavros Halkias]

Thought since you're revealing this.

[John Gabris]

But also, I have to walk away.

[Stavros Halkias]

But now we'll never. I'll never speak to you again. But, yeah, dude, I don't know. I think it's worth it at least. And I do think is like, incredibly fucked up as this is. You owe one fact finding potential. Can I save my friend conversation? If he's your true friend, yeah. And after that, it's like, all right, man. If you're really. Fuck. If you're really.

[John Gabris]

He needs someone cares about him. And then also, if that doesn't work, he needs to know that his beliefs are so disgusting that he's going to lose what little friends he has in grad school.

[Stavros Halkias]

Truly. Because at the end of the day, there is something to that of like, there's like, you have to exist in a society. And it's like, if your beliefs are.

[John Gabris]

That despicable, the most real response is just like, guys, we all have to live here.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

[John Gabris]

Like, if you were all in just a dorm room, you'd be like, take that poster down, dude. We all have sucks, dude.

[Stavros Halkias]

And then you might fuck him up. You know what I mean? But, like, I don't know. You just have to. And yeah, he has to understand that in the real world because this is. This smacks of radicalized online. Maybe this hasn't affected him in real life. Who knows?

[John Gabris]

It's not just like he voted for Trump.

[Stavros Halkias]

No, no, no, no, no.

[John Gabris]

This is not just like, I'm a big JD Vance.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right, right, right, right. You like jd, you like that guy?

[John Gabris]

That's my.

[Stavros Halkias]

You find him charismatic and think his policies are good. Okay.

[John Gabris]

I love his book.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Dude. But again, at the end of the day, you don't have to fucking save some guy. But it's like one conversation to fucking try and reach some humanity is fine. And then, you know, don't report. Unless this guy's from. Unless there's like a guy who's. You're like, oh, they. Some guy threw a brick through a synagogue. Any. Any guesses? Maybe then you can say, I got a guy we might want to fucking see.

[John Gabris]

He just got nominated to be a member of the DEI board. Yeah. I think we should say something now.

[Stavros Halkias]

Damn. Tough.

[John Gabris]

That's crazy.

[Stavros Halkias]

The rise of Notch. It's like.

[John Gabris]

Imagine having like a fascist sculptor MFA or something. You know, like someone who's got a graduate degree and. But they are a piece of shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And he is a great sculptor. Fuck. It's good stuff, man. Yeah. Who do we got here? I mean, it is. Fuck, the Nazi shit is crazy. Like, it's. I guess we're far enough away from World War II that young people, to them, it's like what the Civil War was for us.

[John Gabris]

Yes. We're like, rebel, huh? Checks a hazard. It might be that.

[Stavros Halkias]

Which is fucking crazy. I mean, it's. I mean, in Europe, it's crazy too. I mean, there's Greek people who say they're fascist. And it's like they literally took. They fucking took over Greece. It's just insane how much people have forgotten. How quickly people forget this shit. It's like it's fucking nuts. You're just eating. They're like, you see that and you're like, those guys are a little misunderstood. Like, it's funny that there's. It's crazy in America. There's people that are like, okay, both fascism and communism are bad, but with a couple tweaks, fascism could work.

[John Gabris]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's like, that's the one you want to tweak.

[John Gabris]

Yeah. The refusal to tweak the other one. Cuz Russians were communist.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. It's like. It is funny because that is so funny because we're both big action movie fans and the politics are so atrocious and how they're like, you know, commies. Every commies are pie.

[John Gabris]

Lionist. This Taylor that I love. It's so violent.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's on my. That's. And it was filmed in Baltimore the first season.

[John Gabris]

Oh, hell yeah. The politics are bananas. It's like the worst. It's like playing Call of Duty politics where they're like, well, we gotta get in there and kill Saddam so we could plant the nuclear bombs.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're like, okay, we know that was a mistake. Like, we have information that that was wrong. A bad move.

[John Gabris]

Part of this feels like instigator arms race, too. Of like, I. I'm a weird online troll, and it's like the worst kind of troll you can think is a fascist Nazi. And it's like, look how mad everyone. I trigger everyone that is. And you're like, but what you're saying is historic. Like, you're choosing the bad guys from movies. Like, how do you.

[Stavros Halkias]

And by the way, you're a pussy. Like, that's. The other thing is, like, could you actually kill another human being? Could you fucking round up people and shoot them in the fucking head? Or are you a fucking pussy on the Internet? And it's like, probably. They're just weird trying to. It's. It is the. The, like, logical conclusion to trolls. One branch is like, what's the most hated type of thing?

[John Gabris]

How can I be so offensive?

[Stavros Halkias]

I could pretend in good faith I'm. I'm, like, supporting it, which is crazy. It is nuts.

[John Gabris]

It's ban. Like, it. It should be like, you should be Persona non grata the second that happens.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[John Gabris]

Everyone should, like, get the lineup, punch you in the gut like a movie. And then like, everyone's like, all right, everyone in class gets to punch this Nazi.

[Stavros Halkias]

He understood. He gets his. He got his lesson. Now let's go back. No more Nazi shit. And it's such a fucking just. It's also, like, lame. It's not fun. It's like, you want to spend. You're clearly not fucking. Right? Like, that's part of the incel thing. It's like, you want to get into, like, just getting into any politics is fucking gay.

[John Gabris]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

But then being like, I'm a Nazi, you think that's going to make your life more fun?

[John Gabris]

Honestly, it would be. Being like, an anarchist would be more trolly. Being a fucking crazy socialist would be almost troll at this point. Just choose the one where, like, people aren't considered inferior.

[Stavros Halkias]

I know, exactly. It's like, yeah, you could make people mad that way, but whatever. I guess there is, like, it's also wrapped up in, like, you could just.

[John Gabris]

Go, say, go Red Sox in a Yankees Reddit thread, too. At least.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like, just go, well, that doesn't hit the same. You gotta be a fascist now. I guess it is like, you know, it's the way it's the way we could jack off the printed black and white pictures, right? Like a troll back then. Just be like, the Yankees gay. And they're like, how dare you? Now you have to be like, here's my ranking of all the races. It's an arms race.

[John Gabris]

Yeah, you gotta just.

[Stavros Halkias]

Porn is like. Kids are jacking off to the craziest.

[John Gabris]

Stepmom stuck in washing machines and a return to 1940s Germany.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh my God.

[Amanda]

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[John Gabris]

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[Stavros Halkias]

All right, well, let's see what we got here. Maybe a question about. About jacking off or something.

[John Gabris]

Yeah.

[Caller 3]

David, you beautiful bastard. What's happening? And shout out to the best producer and podcast. How are y'all? I hope y'all are doing well. Look, I've got this problem. I met a girl on the Internet.

[John Gabris]

Nice.

[Caller 3]

And she is drop dead gorgeous Colombian immigrant.

[Stavros Halkias]

Nice.

[Caller 3]

No baggage, no family here. No kids. 10 years younger than me. Smoking hunt. Always wanted to come to America and find a blue eyed white boy to just be with for the rest of her life. Sounds awesome, right?

[Stavros Halkias]

I guess, if we're.

[Caller 3]

Sounds great.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Caller 3]

Well, here's where the problem lies.

[John Gabris]

Oh, the problem hasn't happened.

[Caller 3]

I am going through the worst period of my entire life. Just got into credit.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. You're telling me you uncritically believe all of that?

[John Gabris]

Yeah, you. When you. I thought this was going to be the problem. And then he's like, well, the problem.

[Stavros Halkias]

Is here's where it gets complicated.

[John Gabris]

I am like, brother, you have sent her so much airline money already. I know you have.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, man. All right, respect. Let's see what else he's got be.

[Caller 3]

With for the rest of her life. Sounds awesome, right? Sure, sounds great. Well, here's where the problem lies. I am going through the worst period of my entire life. Just got a divorce, credit destroyed because. Because of it. Horribly alone. Go home every night to an empty House. Nobody. Nobody there to greet me while.

[Stavros Halkias]

While I sounds like a guy who's ripe for a Colombian scam.

[John Gabris]

Sounds like the kind of guy Elato Pesco, the catfish.

[Stavros Halkias]

I mean this is.

[John Gabris]

Not to be the long term married guy but I'm relishing in the coming home to an empty house. Sounds nice. Alone at night, quiet.

[Stavros Halkias]

I get the.

[John Gabris]

I get choosing your own dinner and movie.

[Stavros Halkias]

Get to throw on army of One. Some early Chuck Norris work free on Amazon prime right now. Let's just plug that. I haven't plugged my own movie in like 8. 8 episodes. Check out Chuck Norris army of One. I keep forgetting to plug my tour and my. And my movie but. Hey guys, check out we plugged field Reacher banger. Love Reacher, man. Great stuff.

[John Gabris]

All right.

[Stavros Halkias]

All right. Let's keep going here.

[Caller 3]

Treat me while. While I've been gone. So I feel like my judgment has been clouded.

[John Gabris]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay. We're getting somewhere.

[Caller 3]

As much as I want it, I know that this is probably a green card marriage situation. And I don't know what to do. She's assured me that's not why she's here. She's assured me that she's not here for a green card or a child that would keep her in the country. But my judgment tells me better. But again, going through the things that I have been going through.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yes.

[Caller 3]

And being alone for as long as I have. I don't know if this is a good idea. I need the wisdom of the beautiful ancient Greek God of the portly gentleman.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's right.

[Caller 3]

So holla at you, boy. Let me know y'all. Take it easy.

[Stavros Halkias]

Wow. Okay. A little self awareness there towards the end.

[John Gabris]

Yeah. I wouldn't normally tell a guy with that pacing and accent to trust your judgment, but in this case, Alabama slamma. I say trust your judgment.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay. The fact that he's even. He won me over in the end. Where now I'm trying to figure out a way for him to get back. So I'm trying to do the math here. All right. He's going through a horrible divorce.

[John Gabris]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

His credit's ruined.

[John Gabris]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

What is he. What does this have to take from him? He's got nothing.

[John Gabris]

He might want to shoot the. Shoot the bazooka at the helicopter now. It sunk. Cost I'm in.

[Stavros Halkias]

Your life is at the lowest it's ever been.

[John Gabris]

I say go to Columbia and become her dependent. I say you go. You know what, babe? You're right. And you show up in Medellin and move in with.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, absolutely. That's a great move.

[John Gabris]

You're right, babe. We should get. We should be together.

[Stavros Halkias]

We should be together.

[John Gabris]

Imagine the feeling you are if you catfish someone and they move in with you. They reverse it.

[Stavros Halkias]

That would be awesome. Now he's saying that she's in America as.

[John Gabris]

Is that right?

[Stavros Halkias]

She's a real human being that he knows.

[John Gabris]

It's hard to tell.

[Eldis]

He says, I gotta go on the Internet.

[Stavros Halkias]

He met her on the Internet, but he says that's not why she's here. She's not here, so. Okay, then, here's my follow up to you, little buddy.

[Eldis]

If she's here, he says, always wanted to come to America. Oh, well, I guess that's where she might be here.

[Stavros Halkias]

From the way he's talking, it sounds like she's here. If she's here, you're divorced. You have nothing for her to take. You're lonely, she's hot and claiming she's not. Let her. If she's trying to take you for your wealth, let her find out the hard way. Them accounts is empty, baby. That Wells Fargo accounts as empty as your balls are gonna be, God willing.

[John Gabris]

Honey trapper with a bag of dead bees.

[Stavros Halkias]

I mean, so yeah, dude, that's my other thing that I would say is, like. And let's play this out. Let's say she wants a green card. She's smoking hot. What do you have to. You're lonely right now. Let's say you're married for five years, she gets permanent residency, and you got the fucker for five years. Is that the worst thing in the world? Is that really that bad? Okay, he's got.

[John Gabris]

Actually, this is the kind of pro. This is how we get the conservatives to come around on immigration.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah.

[John Gabris]

Some chick with a donk to fly in here. I dare you to tell her to leave.

[Stavros Halkias]

All right, but if you get her, we let two little. Two other guys in. That's how it works. We two for one it. We two for one it. One hot woman for two, ugly with a hard work ethic. So, I don't know, man. I mean, look, at the end of the day, if she's here, what do you have to lose by going on a couple dates? Yeah, and my other question is, why haven't you gone on dates yet?

[John Gabris]

It's making me wonder if she, like, lives in another city and wants to be flew out, you know? And like, that's the kind of stuff where that's what I foresee. Like, okay, I'll do it. She's like, nah, I just need some money. For the airline ticket. You're like, yeah, of course I'll send you 200 bucks. It's only fair if you're visiting me. And she's like, just blocks him on everything. Get out of. It's so weird to get out of the account because I actually. Can you send like another 60. You know, you're like, sunk. Like, okay. You're just sitting there with a hard dick going, should be here any minute. Like, why did I take the honey pack already?

[Stavros Halkias]

You're in the part. The airport pickup lot with the hardest dick you've ever had in your life. She's like, oh, still delayed. Oh, you won't believe it. They canceled my flight, But United has one leaving in 45 minutes.

[John Gabris]

I just need 400 extended leg room.

[Stavros Halkias]

So, yeah, I would. That's. We need a little more information here. If you can do. I would say if you could do this in a way where there's no. And have you FaceTimed this woman?

[John Gabris]

Yeah. You know what I mean?

[Stavros Halkias]

Like, let's go through the basic catfish.

[John Gabris]

Protocol FaceTime with her and go like, oh, do you have, like a newspaper or today's magazine or anything you can. Hold on.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, I haven't got a chance to check out the paper.

[John Gabris]

Can you put Channel 7 in the background?

[Stavros Halkias]

Hey, what's. What's the Rams score on the Rams game? Can you pull that up real fast? Yep. Just hit a PN for me right now. Yeah, dude, if there's a way to do it where it's just going on a date with someone who's assuring you that she's not. And by the way, the fact that he's brought this up to her, and.

[John Gabris]

She'S like, no, you're not just trying to get. Get me to knock you up. She's like, oh, hold on. What? Should I write back right back? No.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[John Gabris]

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. No way, babe.

[Stavros Halkias]

Well, yeah, it's like a guy on Google Translate. It's just like some. It's not even a Hispanic guy.

[John Gabris]

But I. It's also nice to hear because I know so many white guys who've fallen in love with, like, unattractive exotic chicks who are like, bro, she's Venezuelan. Yeah. You look at her and you're like, okay, you're into the fact that she's fun to hear the flip of. Like, she always wanted a blue eyed American. Always wanted one of them blue eyed Americans. I'm like, she's like, whoa.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, that's true.

[John Gabris]

I haven't seen that many Americans.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, there is a path to this happening. It's a very small, very small, strenuous path. It's a fucking bridge. It's a rope bridge between two fucking high ass cliffs. Like you might be able to. It may be, but just. If you can just go on a date with her. FaceTime, literally, like go through the Catfish protocols. Go on a date. You have really nothing to lose right now. So I don't understand your hesitancy. It feels like there's a piece we're missing, right? Doesn't it feel like otherwise she would.

[John Gabris]

Have met up, like what your mother's maiden name is or childhood text and stuff like that. Sniff that out. But otherwise. Otherwise I say, fuck, let it rip, brother.

[Stavros Halkias]

Proceed with caution.

[John Gabris]

Yeah, yeah. You've been warned. But I say, like using Stavi's rope bridge analogy, I think the back one is lit on fire.

[Stavros Halkias]

In the back. Absolutely. You're either. You're either making it across or you're dead. But either way, you know, it might be good enough for the chances of. And now the more I'm thinking about it, no way this is real. But hey.

[John Gabris]

Hey. But we need to make content every week.

[Stavros Halkias]

So no way this woman exists. But hey, man, try and make it happen, brother. That's all I can tell you. All right. Interesting stuff here.

[John Gabris]

Oh, man. What a wild life.

[Stavros Halkias]

I know. That is crazy. Who else we got?

[Caller 1]

And guest. I don't know how to speak, so I'll just get right to the point here. I've been working a really good lux job, good health insurance, good pay, Nice. I could play Nintendo at work for like three years now.

[Stavros Halkias]

Awesome.

[Caller 1]

But one of my managers quit his job so that we could try dating.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, no.

[Caller 1]

And now that that's happening. Oh, I don't.

[John Gabris]

I don't want.

[Caller 1]

I do not. I do not want to date this man. In fact, maybe I'm gay. Maybe I'm asexual.

[John Gabris]

I don't know what's going on, but.

[Caller 1]

I do not want to date this man. But I have to.

[John Gabris]

But, but. But we just.

[Caller 1]

We just had a going away dinner party with our whole entire work group yesterday. And everyone's looking at me and I. I hate my life. So should.

[Caller 2]

Should.

[Stavros Halkias]

What?

[Caller 1]

Should I. Oh, my God.

[John Gabris]

What the is going on? How. How did you get in this position?

[Stavros Halkias]

This is nuts.

[John Gabris]

This is bananas. And I think just right off the bat, I'll tell you, you owe this dude nothing.

[Stavros Halkias]

True.

[John Gabris]

That is.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's insane to be like, I'll break up. We can be together. You're like, I guess, like, I Mean, this is wild.

[John Gabris]

It'd be awesome if she got promoted into his position. And that's crazy. And I, I, I wish I knew the, like, I'm trying to imagine the workplace.

[Stavros Halkias]

Tech or programming. This is not a, this guy is not Rico. Sweet, suave.

[John Gabris]

Yeah, I know. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like the one woman who worked there. He's like, I'll throw my life away if you let me just see your, oh, getting a job. Just let me see your. For a second. Please, please, please, please, please, please, please.

[John Gabris]

Holy. Imagine quitting your job for a chick. And her response is, I might be.

[Stavros Halkias]

Either gay or asexual, which is just not true. You just don't want to fuck this guy. They probably fucked once. And she's like, ruh, Ro.

[John Gabris]

And he's like, don't worry, I'll step down. Don't say anything to the boss. I'll quit.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'll quit.

[John Gabris]

But then we'll be together finally.

[Stavros Halkias]

I, I, we need, I, I hate to be the guy who's like, we need a little more info. But, like, how the did this happen? For real?

[John Gabris]

Yeah. I gotta know.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like, and look, it sucks. Now, let's, let's say, let's just say nothing weird happened.

[John Gabris]

Right? Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

Let's just.

[John Gabris]

It's all above board.

[Stavros Halkias]

Let's say it's all above board.

[John Gabris]

Would you like to grab a drink sometime? Well, you're my boss. I quit.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right, right.

[John Gabris]

Right. Yeah, I guess I'll get a beer.

[Stavros Halkias]

Or even that she was in on it. Let's say, let's say they had some kind of rapport and who knows? Let's just. Even though I doubt it, I don't know how that would happen, but let's just say that's what happened. And so let's just say you were even sort of. You wanted to be in a relationship and now you really don't want to be in one. I get feeling guilt. Like, if you actually like this person and thought they were nice and were like, let's give it a whirl. Whatever. It was a mistake. Both of you made a crazy mistake.

[John Gabris]

I mean, it might be feeling that too.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[John Gabris]

I mean, if you guys and you had in your head that you might be asexual or a lesbian, he felt that.

[Stavros Halkias]

What's wrong with your. I've never seen a snap shut like a Venus fly trap before. How did that happen? Your lips, they're braiding each other to close your hole.

[John Gabris]

Why do I hear the, the sound of a faucet closing? Why do I feel a hose Faucet tightening. Righty tighty.

[Stavros Halkias]

Creak.

[John Gabris]

Creek, Creek, creek, creek.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay, so in a world where this was a mistake you both made and you really are not having a good time, unfortunately, now we can tell you now, if there was some weird thing where there was an abuse of power thing and you kind of felt like you had to agree to it or some weird shit, that's a different story. But if you just, like, that's a different story. You should be able to keep your job. And if anybody tries to do anything about it, there should be, like, legal, yes, whatever. But if you just said, yeah, dude, I'd love to date. Let's do it.

[John Gabris]

Quit your job. That's perfect. I'm gonna quit my job, burn my house down, shave my head, and then we're gonna start like, wait, what were those three things?

[Stavros Halkias]

Last three. And like, let's just say you even encouraged it and you've just made a mistake here. I mean, you shouldn't be in a relationship you don't want to be in. But I mean, realistically, like, if this guy's like a beloved figure in the office, like, you just might need to fuck and everything was above board, it's just gonna affect your life. You can break up with him and be like. But it's. It will. There will be blowback. I mean, there just will be. Like, yeah, especially if there was. If you wanted this to happen.

[John Gabris]

This is why you don't at work.

[Stavros Halkias]

This is so clearly why. This is so clearly why you're doing.

[John Gabris]

It, like, as above board as possible. And it is still disassembling your life.

[Stavros Halkias]

And it could both of your lives up.

[John Gabris]

And we're not even saying that. The hardest hitting part of this paragraph for me is the idea of a good job with good health insurance where you can play Nintendo.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, I mean, that's.

[John Gabris]

That just got me strapped the in. Like, I need that.

[Stavros Halkias]

I get why she doesn't want to fucking leave that job. And I would say don't. Don't quit because you feel bad. Like, look, break up with him. See how the office. See how the office takes it.

[John Gabris]

Yeah, there's a manager position that's open in your company. There's room for growth.

[Stavros Halkias]

Maybe you can fucking transfer to a different office. I don't know. But, like, if you really are feeling this way, right? And look, here's the other thing. I have also been in. I have commitment issues, right? Like, and I've been with someone that I really liked. And then the second it was official and real, I freaked the fuck out broke up and I've ruined multiple relationships.

[John Gabris]

And then I like those like six month later regrets and shit.

[Stavros Halkias]

Not even six months, but like two weeks or like I just had an emotional response.

[John Gabris]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

And like that really felt like psychological and that I like I've worked on and I now I know I might have that feeling momentarily, but I have.

[John Gabris]

To let it go. That doesn't mean I need to act on that. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And that I even might be. So like we don't even even know what's going on.

[John Gabris]

Like do you have that?

[Stavros Halkias]

Or like, so I don't we just.

[John Gabris]

A fear of like, oh, this is too real happening.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[John Gabris]

Because we're like, I might be asexual.

[Stavros Halkias]

Because by the way, that's a lot of pressure. Right. The fact that somebody quit their job for you, even if you like them, that could make you feel weird.

[John Gabris]

Yeah. That's like, that's like a weird power dynamic or shame already.

[Stavros Halkias]

Already you go in owing them something, right?

[John Gabris]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And that might be what feels weird to you. It's like, like it doesn't. Maybe you had a fun flirty back and forth at the office, but now it's like, if I don't love this.

[John Gabris]

Guy too real, too fast.

[Stavros Halkias]

And now you're like, oh, this is like moving in. This is like the level of moving into.

[John Gabris]

Right. It's like, it's like an accidental, too sped up version of the relationship. 100%, I'll leave my job for you. It's like we've only fucked once.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Eldis]

I feel, I feel like, why doesn't she just split the difference and be like, okay, break up. Give. Give this guy two or three months. Not even to give your chance yourself a chance to like him, but just like give yourself a three month deadline to break up with him. So then it's like a little cleaner than just like breaking up with him the second he leaves the job. It's kind of like, it's kind of like, oh, I can't break up. Or you got this trip booked this summer.

[John Gabris]

Right. Right.

[Eldis]

We're going to this wedding. It's like the same kind of thing, you know, Give the guy a few, A few weeks.

[John Gabris]

True.

[Stavros Halkias]

Give it a real honest college try. I mean, but that's not even a college try.

[Eldis]

But like just wait a little bit like, true.

[John Gabris]

It's not him if you have to. Exactly. We'll hang out next week. Yeah.

[Eldis]

It's not good advice usually to be like, be in a relationship. You don't want to be in, but, like, you know, you got to make your clay, your case, like, a little clean or something.

[Stavros Halkias]

But that's also why we need more info, right? Because I think that's good advice. If she was like, an active participant in this plan, right?

[John Gabris]

She kind of pushed it. You know what I mean? If she's b. She's like one of the architects of you leaving your job so we can. Cuz I. I understand how that sounds on paper. Like, of course you're dming with some coworker. And he's like, I wish we could, but these stupid HR rules. And she's like, well, why don't you quit your job and I'll suck your dick? And he's like, yeah. And then he shows up and he's like, I quit. And she's like, wait, what?

[Stavros Halkias]

What the.

[John Gabris]

I'm.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, she's really going for the spacey defense. She's like, I've committed unspeakable crimes. I'm gay.

[John Gabris]

I like alcohol and men. Doesn't that make me not evil?

[Stavros Halkias]

So, yeah. That's why I do wish we had a little more info about how this started, but yeah.

[John Gabris]

And if this job, this company is hiring, I have a steam deck and noise canceling headphones. You never even have to see me.

[Stavros Halkias]

Do they have a lifeguard position opening up?

[John Gabris]

Do they have a pool? Is there a pool?

[Stavros Halkias]

Do they need a lifeguard?

[John Gabris]

Lifeguard Kids just drowning as I'm playing Shadow of Mordor for the eighth time.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, man. I feel for. I mean, I definitely feel for our call. I feel for both of these.

[Eldis]

I feel like she also, like, absolutely do not move in with him. If this is a situation where, you know, she's just really passive and going with the flow. Do not move in with him. And in fact, if he tries to, like, get that going fast, that could be a clean. That could be her out to be like, I don't know. This is moving. I just wish for me.

[Stavros Halkias]

Let's see if we can get her on a live call for real. All right, I need to know a little more about this situation. We do. We do a couple live calls on Patreon sometimes.

[John Gabris]

Oh, you'll get like some follow up from the people that sometimes.

[Stavros Halkias]

Or we'll have.

[John Gabris]

Let me know if you get Amanda that I want to hear word for word slowly. Her watching some chick suck her boyfriend's dick.

[Stavros Halkias]

Boyfriend, not husbands. Let me have you get Amanda. Maybe her and my wife could become friends and maybe talk some stuff out. What do we got? What else we got here?

[Caller 4]

Ldavi, baby.

[Stavros Halkias]

Hey.

[Caller 4]

I thought I'd call and give an update. You answered my question quite a while ago. But I called about my wife in there, her early 40s and really stepping it up a notch with her sexual appetite. And I was looking for advice on how to kind of spice things up a little bit more.

[John Gabris]

More, you guys.

[Caller 4]

Advice was awesome, you guys.

[Eldis]

This was from the George and Sam episode.

[Stavros Halkias]

His. What was it? His, like, wife was a freak and he couldn't keep up.

[Eldis]

Yeah, basically, she just. She, like, she's like 40 or something.

[John Gabris]

That's something that happens to women in their 40s.

[Stavros Halkias]

Gabriel's like, I just want to eat dominoes.

[John Gabris]

Yeah. The cruel. The cruel punishment that God, that the Supreme Being put in our bodies is that man at full 40 start to fail. Women at 40 are like, I cannot get enough.

[Stavros Halkias]

And you're just like, I can't put it. There's too much hymns in my bloodstream.

[John Gabris]

Promo code. Stop me.

[Stavros Halkias]

For him, I have more hymns than blood.

[John Gabris]

More hymns and then hymns in. More hymns and then hymns in.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yes. Promo code. Stavi.

[Caller 4]

A couple comedians on. On George Sivas and Sam Taggart. Having the two guy gay guys on there was hilarious.

[Stavros Halkias]

They're awesome.

[Caller 4]

I wasn't that. Neither of us were interested in butt stuff. Well, it turns out she is. So long story short, turns out I am. That's been going pretty well.

[John Gabris]

She.

[Caller 4]

She likes some of the ass play stuff we've been doing.

[Stavros Halkias]

Nice, dude.

[Caller 4]

But I was calling to also ask an additional question. See if what your advice would be on asking her and talking to her about watching some porn together. A little background would be. We've never really talked about it. It's kind of don't ask, don't tell and what. I always just assume she knew that. I still watch some porn here and there. But when I stop and think about it, I always wonder if she really does know that maybe she is. Assumes.

[John Gabris]

I don't. What?

[Caller 4]

I don't know. Obviously she's not approved, but I think in the past she may have looked at that kind of as a cheating type thing.

[Stavros Halkias]

Anyway, what is going on? Just curious. Coming up, what people keep talking about porn is cheating. Is something in the zeitgeist here? Are we really getting that conservative as a country that people are starting to talk about?

[John Gabris]

Not politically conservative, but socially conservative to the degree where jacking off is cheating. Save your seed for me. What the fuck?

[Stavros Halkias]

Especially this guy's calling. He's like, yeah, my wife's a freak. Now in her 40s.

[John Gabris]

She lets me rip her asshole out. I'm worried about letting her know I watch pornhub. You're good, bro. She lets you call into a podcast and say she liked the ass play gay guys. So I think she. Chill, dude.

[Stavros Halkias]

But yeah, watching porn, yeah. What? That's great. I think that's another thing to spice it up.

[John Gabris]

You know, I would, I would say that this is, this is a fun couple's activity. But just keep in mind the male taste and the female taste could be pretty far apart. And you like the thing I'm always worried about when, when men, young men tell. Ask me about this stuff or I hear. I'm always concerned that like, like, you know when you've been like. To go back to a cannabis analogy, you've been smoking Keith bong rips and like laced joints and then you have like a friend over and you, you forget that they're not up to that level. Remember that with pornography we don't necessarily. She might not want to kick it off with like mascara running throat jobs. Yeah, it's like this is called 8th Street Latinas. You know, like you might not want to go right into hard like so kind of let her lead.

[Stavros Halkias]

I will say by the flip side. I have dated some women who watch the most atrocious things you could possibly imagine.

[John Gabris]

You got to find out from them, cuz you don't want to overstep. Be like, what, what, what kind of stuff turns you on? It's like this and she's like, what? Like, yeah, but the other trick is maybe you find like one porn star that looks kind of like your girl and you're like, I like her.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, she's hot. Oh, you're fucking.

[John Gabris]

Like I jerk off to reg. I jerk off to regular girls.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[John Gabris]

I mean that to be fair, that is kind of my thing now. It's just like I like when a TV is on in the background. I want it to be so amateur that I'm like, this could be like, you know, this could be a colleague.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I, I got you. But yeah, dude, you're in there. Dude, you're. Yeah, start slow. I think that's good advice. And then fucking. She's definitely gonna be into watching porn. That's a fun little spice up. Activity. Activity.

[John Gabris]

That seems kind of like. Not that you should like rank kinks, but like to me watching porn is probably lower on than your first ass.

[Stavros Halkias]

Then late in life, like butt plugs, right? Like yeah, dude, you should have started with poor, you're fine. Now you're going back. You're beating level one with all you.

[John Gabris]

Got the fireballs, you're gonna 100 it. Yeah, you want to get all the map you want to complete.

[Stavros Halkias]

Skip that somehow.

[John Gabris]

Yeah, you're back to tutorial.

[Stavros Halkias]

Just let it rip.

[John Gabris]

You got this. X to jump, Y to crawl.

[Amanda]

Ryan Seacrest here. When you have a busy schedule, it's important to maximize your downtime. One of the best ways to do that is by going to chumbacasino.com Chumba Casino has all your favorite social casino games like spin slots, bingo, and solitaire that you can play for free for a chance to redeem some serious prizes. So hop on to chumbacasino.com now and live the Chumba life. Sponsored by Chumba Casino. No purchase necessary. VGW Group void where prohibited by law, 18/ terms and conditions apply.

[Stavros Halkias]

All right, let's. You got something fun for us to go out on here, Eldis. Oh, yeah. This has been so fun, dude. Thanks for coming.

[John Gabris]

Oh, please. I'm having a blast. And we're really helping people.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's what's important.

[Caller 1]

Oh, my God. That was amazing. Hi, Savi. I'm a transition dude. I just wanted to call in and ask if you have any tips for making guy friends. I would love to have some more guy friends, but I don't seem to be able to speak their language. They. I don't know, they all seem kind of aloof, and they don't really talk about their feelings.

[Stavros Halkias]

Welcome, brother. That's what it's like around here, you know?

[Caller 1]

Like, how are you doing? How's your mental health? And they stare at me like, no one's ever asked how they feel ever in their life. And either it goes really well, or they're like, jesus Christ, what are you talking about, dude? So, yeah, I need. I need dude information from the inside, so I don't know.

[John Gabris]

All right, so I'm assuming, you know, you're taking whatever steps are as part of your transition. The main step you need, I think, from a layman when transitioning to being a man is to watch the movie Heat, and then you will always have something to talk to guys about. It goes across all ages. You can just say heat, right? And everyone be like, yeah, Val Kilmer with the guns.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know, like, Val Kilmer's awesome Michael Mann. There's so many rich veins to fly.

[John Gabris]

Out on after De Niro Pacino.

[Stavros Halkias]

The Dairo Pacino, Michael Mann. Why did Val Kilmer ever really figure it out? You know, like, why don't we get that guy in his own movie. You know what I mean? There's so much good stuff.

[John Gabris]

Yeah. It's funny what he's asking like, yeah, he's. He's 100%. I don't want to compare our lives at all. But this is something I dealt with as like just a sensitive heterosexual. I'm just like, is everyone feeling. They're like, you're gay.

[Stavros Halkias]

Shut the up. That's how we're feeling.

[Eldis]

If Sa ever asked me how's my mental health, I'd be like, are you okay?

[Stavros Halkias]

He's my best friend.

[John Gabris]

Known each other for 25 years. I would be. I would be suspicious if you asked.

[Eldis]

Me that after my mom died.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, I don't think I did ask you that. After your mom died. I was like, damn, dude, that sucks.

[John Gabris]

Sucks.

[Stavros Halkias]

Your mom, who we both, both who I probably love the woman I love the most after my own mother just passed away. And we never had a direct conversation about it. We just flew you out to LA and smoked weed when I did that show. That was a great weekend though. But that is a good book.

[John Gabris]

It's a lot like collateral.

[Stavros Halkias]

We literally took mushrooms and we fucking watched. Yeah, that's. But, but that is. That might kind of be the answer is like, if you are worried about a dude, don't ask him directly. Just do something awesome with him.

[John Gabris]

Just be present. Like Stavi and I have never met before. We have just sat here and had like a random bit conversation about our childhood. Found all these parallels. That's all you need. Honestly. Men connect. If sports aren't for you, that's like sports is a.

[Stavros Halkias]

Sports is. So it's a very, very cheat code. The NFL for small talk. Easiest thing in the world.

[John Gabris]

I call it father in law conversations. Yes. And it's like this is what you can talk to your trump supporting father in law about is movies, sports. Like what kind of car you drive. Even if you are not a car head.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right?

[John Gabris]

Just telling a 70 year old man you have a Subaru Outback. They're like all wheel drive. Huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then now we're buddies. Yeah, totally. You'd be surprised also how low the bar is. Like if. If you go to a gym and you've said to some person twice like hey, nice lift or sup? That person may consider you a gym friend 100%. Like I have nod friends that I'm like, that's my boy.

[Stavros Halkias]

I wonder what he's up to. Yeah, Yeah. I wonder what that guy's up to, man. And so yeah, that's something. You might just be overthinking this in a crazy manner. There's. There's like the. Just. You just hang out. You just do. And maybe, like, again, instead of making the effort to directly ask about mental health, like, an effort that might go. Because the other thing I'll say about bros, almost no one is good at making plans. If you figure out, let's say they're showing a print of heat, you're like, boys, I got four tickets. There's a win place around.

[John Gabris]

Trouble in little China. 4k in big trouble in Little China.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like, just having a sick activity and passing time together. That is what a fucking true conversation is. Like. That is, like, connection. And you will. Eventually you'll have those real convos, but it's like, it happens when you're not expecting it. It sometimes just randomly happens. Like, I feel like we have just been, like, playing Mario tennis and just We've had a profound discussion about you. Like, when you were still thinking about when it just was like, hey, I think I literally was just like, why haven't you proposed to your girlfriend yet? Like, out of nowhere, it just kind of felt right. And we had a legit. Not making any eye contact. I'm fucking. I'm boo hitting my. I'm serving. I'm doing the weird boo serve. He's fucking Waluigi. We're not looking at each other's eyes, and we're having one of the deepest conversations of our lives.

[John Gabris]

Yeah. One of my best friends, we were wasted at his mom's lake house, and we ended up, like, hugging with life vests on in the lake. We were, like, drunk, having a conversation. I was like, I fucking love you, man. This is when it happens.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's when it happens.

[John Gabris]

We're treading water.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's when it happens.

[John Gabris]

So, like, it is so funny to me now. I'm wading into some dangerous territory here. I support.

[Stavros Halkias]

We're all good here. Everyone knows the that about Stav's world.

[John Gabris]

I am into whatever you want to do, no matter what. I could. It comes from a little bit of. I could give a totally.

[Stavros Halkias]

But that's the most important thing we all forgetting at the end of the day, I don't really give a what anyone is doing if they don't bother me.

[John Gabris]

Yeah. If they're not hurting anyone else. So. But it is wild to want to be a man. You know what I mean? Like, to me, that seems like a crazy thing of, like, hey, I finally realized my dream of being a man. And Now I'm a man, and you guys are kind of fucking living. And it's like, oh, brother, I could have said, welcome aboard the Titanic the day you started. Whatever system you started. Because it. What you're describing is real. It is what we are. Like, I'll be in couples therapy, and my couples therapist will straight up say shit like, that's what guys are like to my wife.

[Stavros Halkias]

And it's like, yeah, it is kind.

[John Gabris]

Of crazy to say that in 2020.

[Stavros Halkias]

Look, it just is, lady.

[John Gabris]

Universal truth. For some reason, little boys like trucks, and for some reason, big boys don't like eye contact.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's. I mean, that's the. That's really. If there is a secret, it's like, hang out, play video games. Like, the. The best times when me, Eldis, and our friends that we've known for 15 years hang out. What we always do is that we come over. Like, maybe we'll go out to dinner or whatever, but otherwise, we'll come over to my apartment because I have the best setup for watching movies. We will watch a stupid movie.

[John Gabris]

Single guy with a pretty good paying job.

[Stavros Halkias]

Exactly. I'm the rich guy. I'm the rich single guy. And so we come to my place, we watch my sick projector, we order Chinese food, we call each other gay, we say our dicks are small. And then, like, for one second, we'll be like, oh, whatever happened with that girl? Like, she's a dude. And then we're like, all right, well, back to the movie.

[John Gabris]

You know what I mean?

[Stavros Halkias]

Like. And that's it. Those are my best friends in the world.

[John Gabris]

Guys I've been friends with for 32 years. When we get together, we play video games and then just say random kids. We went to school with full names just to, like, surprise each other.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah.

[John Gabris]

Like, have you thought of this guy? When's the last time you thought of this? Be like, Michael Carter.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Oh, that's freak. And then you look him up, you're like, he's. Oh, damn. His.

[John Gabris]

He also is a. He was another cop that shot a guy. The fifth guy we looked up from our high school that was a cop who's been fired.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh. But, hey, man, that's what it's like. Welcome.

[John Gabris]

Yeah, welcome to a literal. It's honestly, a little. I'm a little honored that someone is choosing to jump to this team. You know what I mean? Like, that's crazy. Welcome. If you're ever around me, just fire off, like, what movie you watched recently. And I could Talk to you. Honestly, I have, like, friends of mine who I'm like, I officiated their wedding, and I just show up, and when I see them, I go, I saw Y2K today. It was hysterical. They're like, oh, I want to see the brutalist. It's like, oh, I want to see. And we just say that for, like, 40 minutes. It's like, it was so good hanging out with Jimmy.

[Eldis]

Oh, yeah, that looks awesome.

[Stavros Halkias]

That looks fucking sick, dude. We should see that. You don't see it together, but, yeah, if you come up with a little bit of a. I think that's so much more valuable of what the team is missing, is a little planning. In my experience, like, how many times if one of us had. And we have a friend who actually is like, he sometimes will plan something, or he'll be like, should we go to this restaurant? And like, it's. Fuck, we're all fucked up.

[John Gabris]

If he makes the res, you're like.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, that sounds awesome. Or he'll be like, that's always a fun move, too. Is like, hey, no pressure. I got tickets to this. And then sometimes half of us come, sometimes all of us go. That's the other thing. It's like, it's gotta be no pressure. It can't be direct, and it's gotta be a fun thing. And then you just got. It's quality time with the bros. That's what it is.

[John Gabris]

I'm that guy. My wife tells me I have camp counselor energy because I'm always the guy that's like, I looked it up. Billy Joel is playing this Friday in Vegas. If we go on Thursday, we can do blank, blank, and blank. We do crafts. We can eat at Yardbird.

[Stavros Halkias]

We can do that.

[John Gabris]

And they're like, all right, I'm in. And I'm like, click, click, click. I just. I'm high at a computer all the time. It's so easy to be like, I can make plans.

[Stavros Halkias]

Totally, dude. In a different. In a different world, you'd be a lifeguard. SL travel agent on the Long Island Sound. Much island left for an islander like me, but, yeah. Good luck, bro.

[John Gabris]

Welcome aboard the Titanic.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Yeah, that's good. We're rooting for you.

[John Gabris]

It's a great time to be a white guy. Smart move.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. It's swinging back, actually. It's swinging back. All right. Yeah. Congrats to you as well as us for Trump's. Trump getting elected.

[John Gabris]

It's a great time.

[Stavros Halkias]

I know it's a little bittersweet for you, but still a guy now. So it's actually sick. You win some, you lose some, but yeah, that's going to do it. Jon, dude, thank you so much. This was so fun, dude.

[John Gabris]

Stabby, this was a blast. I'm so glad we got to hang, dude.

[Stavros Halkias]

Hit us up when you're in New York. Dude, I know you probably, if you go, if you're back on the island and you're coming. Coming into Queens. Dude, we're in Astoria. It's not. You don't even have to fully get into the city.

[John Gabris]

I don't even have to go over water.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's going to do it for this episode, guys. Thanks and we'll talk to you next time. Bye. Bye.

[Amanda]

Ryan Seacrest here. When you have a busy schedule, it's important to maximize your downtime. One of the best ways to do that is by going to chumbacasino.com Chumba Casino has all your favorite social casino games like spin slots, bingo and solitaire that you can play for free for a chance to redeem some serious prizes. So hop on to chumbacasino.com now and live the Chumba life. Sponsored by Chumba Casino. No purchase necessary VGW Group void where prohibited by law, 18 terms and conditions apply.