#114 - Kate Berlant

Summary

Stavvy's World – Episode #114: Kate Berlant

Release Date: February 3, 2025
Host: Stavros Halkias
Guest: Kate Berlant

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Episode Overview

In this engaging episode of Stavvy's World, host Stavros Halkias welcomes the talented comedian Kate Berlant. The conversation weaves through personal anecdotes, humorous exchanges, and insightful discussions, offering listeners a blend of comedy and genuine advice.

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Guest Introduction: Kate Berlant

Kate Berlant joins Stavros and his friends Elvis and Eldie for a lively discussion. Her presence adds a unique comedic flair to the episode, setting the stage for a variety of topics ranging from personal mishaps to relationship dynamics.

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Main Discussions

1. Chimney Sweep Catastrophe

Kate shares a harrowing experience with a negligent chimney sweep that left her home drenched in soot and caused her to suffer from a TMJ (temporomandibular joint) flare-up.

• Kate Berlant:
  "I have been wronged by a chimney sweep." ([08:36])

• Elvis:
  "We could go half on that. That'd be fun." ([18:52])

Kate describes how the chimney sweep failed to protect her home, leading to extensive damage and personal discomfort. This story serves as a humorous yet cautionary tale about hiring unreliable service providers.

2. Internet and Social Media Algorithms

The conversation shifts to the frustrating nature of social media algorithms that repeatedly feed users content they're tired of, such as staged fights or unrealistic portrayals of life.

• Unknown Caller:
  "It's like, you have to tumbling the toilet, like, what? Right." ([03:51])

• Elvis:
  "Internet was built on bum fights." ([04:32])

The group discusses the impact of these algorithms on user experience, highlighting the endless cycle of repetitive and often uninteresting content that algorithms prioritize to keep users engaged.

3. Growing Up with Artistic Parents and Acting Experiences

Kate delves into her upbringing, emphasizing the influence of her artist parents and her early ventures into acting. She shares humorous anecdotes about auditions and the challenges of navigating the entertainment industry.

• Kate Berlant:
  "I did plays in high school, not musical theater." ([28:32])

• Elvis:
  "I think it was for some..." ([30:04])

Kate recounts her experiences with acting, including bizarre audition requests and the realities of trying to break into the industry without familial ties to show business.

4. Dealing with Phone Addiction and Sobriety Attempts

The discussion takes a personal turn as the callers share their struggles with phone addiction and attempts at sobriety. They explore the psychological effects of dependency on technology and substances.

• Unknown Caller:
  "I have so much paranoia around specifically pill addiction." ([53:19])

• Elvis:
  "I think we can figure that out." ([18:52])

This segment underscores the importance of self-awareness and the challenges associated with overcoming addictive behaviors, whether related to technology or substances.

5. Relationship Advice: Handling Pornography and Communication

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to navigating complex relationship issues, specifically the implications of pornography consumption within a marriage. The callers seek advice on maintaining trust and open communication with their partners.

• Unknown Caller:
  "Am I being a lame wife by thinking it's cheating if you watch pornography?" ([110:07])

• Elvis:
  "Watching porn is cheating. Come on." ([110:07])

The hosts advocate for honest conversations, emphasizing that regulating a partner's fantasies is neither healthy nor productive. They encourage setting clear boundaries and fostering mutual understanding to ensure relationship harmony.

6. Caller Stories: Ex-Friend's Persistent Dating Attempts and Employment Honesty

Listeners share their personal dilemmas, such as dealing with an ex-friend's relentless attempts to date them through various apps and struggling with honesty regarding their employment status.

• Unknown Caller:
  "Send a fucking super like to the ex-girlfriend of one of your best friends, sweetie, and..." ([77:58])

• Elvis:
  "If you do, you can always ask. But if you're like, if it's on the fence and it's a cool thing and you're not sure, be careful." ([23:34])

These narratives highlight the complexities of modern social interactions and the importance of setting personal boundaries to maintain healthy relationships.

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Notable Quotes

• Kate Berlant ([08:36]):
  "I have been wronged by a chimney sweep."

• Elvis ([04:32]):
  "Internet was built on bum fights."

• Unknown Caller ([03:51]):
  "It's like, you have to tumbling the toilet, like, what? Right."

• Elvis ([110:07]):
  "Watching porn is cheating. Come on."

• Unknown Caller ([77:58]):
  "Send a fucking super like to the ex-girlfriend of one of your best friends, sweetie..."

---

Insights and Conclusions

This episode of Stavvy's World masterfully blends humor with real-life issues, offering listeners both laughter and relatable advice. Through Kate Berlant's candid storytelling and the hosts' insightful commentary, the podcast addresses the intricacies of personal relationships, the pitfalls of modern technology, and the universal struggle with honesty and self-improvement. The incorporation of listener calls adds depth and variety, making the episode a comprehensive and entertaining exploration of contemporary life challenges.

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Final Thoughts

Stavvy's World continues to deliver a compelling mix of comedy and genuine conversation. Episode #114 featuring Kate Berlant is a testament to the show's ability to engage with its audience on multiple levels, ensuring that both casual listeners and dedicated fans find value and entertainment in each episode.

Transcript

[Stavros Halkias]

How do you make an Airbnb a VRBO picture a vacation rental. Now imagine that every time you stay there, you earn rewards towards your next trip. Congrats. Now you're in a vrbo. Make it a vrbo. Onekeycash is not redeemable for cash and can only be used on Expediahotels.com and Vrbo. How do you make an Airbnb a Vrbo picture a vacation rental with a host. The host is dragging your family on a tour of the kitchen, the bathroom, the upstairs bathroom, the downstairs bedroom, and the TV room, which, surprise, is where you can watch tv. Now imagine there's no host giving you a tour because there's never any hosts at all, ever.

[Elvis]

Voila.

[Stavros Halkias]

You've got yourself a vrbo. Want a vacation that's completely and totally host free? Make it a vrbo.

[Elvis]

Hello, everybody. Huge news. Let's start a cult. The movie that I made with my buddies Wes and Ben is out on Hulu. It's been acquired by Hulu. It comes out February 4th on Hulu. If you haven't seen it yet, go. Go watch it. If you already have seen it yet and you have Hulu, just stream it. Let's run these numbers up, baby. If this thing does well there, maybe they'll let us make another fucking movie. We're counting on you. So please watch it. And please enjoy this episode of Stavi's World with the great Caper Land. Welcome, everybody, to Stavi's World. 904-800. Stop. Call in. We'll solve all your problems. We're back in our la, the LA edition. Just a little something at our home here in what Bad Ladder Studios. Shout out to Mo. The elusive Mo. You'll never see his face. He lets us in, he leaves. We got Eldie making the trip.

[Kate Berlant]

Oh, yeah.

[Elvis]

And we're very happy to have Kate Berlant. Kate, thanks for coming.

[Unknown Caller]

Thanks for. Suddenly I'm like, where do the girls put their purses? Do I just have it here?

[Elvis]

You're the first one we've ever had on the show, so this is.

[Unknown Caller]

Hey, we're gonna get into that. By the way.

[Elvis]

Thanks for coming, bud.

[Unknown Caller]

So happy to be here.

[Elvis]

Thrilled to have you. Yes. Yeah, we're taking a little jaunt here. Beautiful weather here in Los Angeles.

[Unknown Caller]

Today's particularly beautiful, I should say.

[Elvis]

Yeah. And we're spending it podcasting. That's what's nice.

[Unknown Caller]

You want to be inside in more.

[Elvis]

Shut up.

[Unknown Caller]

Artificial glow.

[Elvis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. In beautiful Greece.

[Unknown Caller]

I know I've never been.

[Elvis]

Never Been to Greece.

[Unknown Caller]

Top three list to give me where I want to go.

[Elvis]

What? You're half Spanish.

[Unknown Caller]

I pass for. People think I'm from Greece.

[Elvis]

100%.

[Unknown Caller]

You could be a test. Italian.

[Elvis]

No.

[Unknown Caller]

Lord knows I passed. Jew. I am. Because I am. Recently, people would go, you're Jewish? Yeah. And I go, okay, let's relax. Yes, I am.

[Elvis]

It's like, come on, have that thought in your head.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah. But, yeah, Mediterranean.

[Elvis]

No, for sure.

[Unknown Caller]

You could definitely go, my mom is Spanish, so Spanish. And then also just Jew.

[Elvis]

Sure, sure. And in that mix, you get Greek. Honestly, you mix Spanish and Jew. You do get. You do get Greek.

[Unknown Caller]

Absolutely.

[Elvis]

It's like the color. Remember they would teach you colors as a little kid, like, green and yellow makeup.

[Unknown Caller]

I get fed that on my Instagram feed. And it's like, where it's just, like, paints being mixed.

[Elvis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

Like, it's just like. You put this and then guess it.

[Elvis]

And it is calming. I like it.

[Unknown Caller]

Oh, God.

[Elvis]

Mine is pathetic. I don't even wanna tell people. It's exactly. I mean, the amount that I go to search for something on Instagram and it's just some woman who doesn't even have, like, real proportions, like, looks like an anime person, but it's real life. And it's just like. I'm just like. They're just, like, doing a chore, but their tits are bouncing. I'm like, yeah, what friend was I going to dm? And I literally. It's so sad. And I'm like, it has happened to me legitimately, like, 40 times in a row. And I'm like, what? And I'll just. It just. It's so pathetic where you're like, oh, I'm a fucking caveman. I can't help it. I'm one of the dumbest guys alive. And the algorithm is getting me and those.

[Unknown Caller]

I know. When it hits you, your exact interest, I get, like, deformed. Like, I opened it up yesterday. It was like a couple, both, no legs, like in first class. And I was like, that is kind of what I want to see. Yeah. I get, like. You know, people with, like, crazy. Like, you know, like, stuff, like. And they're just dancing and they're doing makeup. Yeah.

[Elvis]

You know what? Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

Look at her.

[Elvis]

Good for you. The Internet's like, go ahead, say something about it.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah. Or fights. I get a lot of, like, fighting.

[Elvis]

Fights is classic.

[Unknown Caller]

There aren't as many fighting. I get a lot on Twitter, a lot of fight videos on Instagram.

[Elvis]

They don't like violence. They'll throw titties out there. They'll throw.

[Unknown Caller]

But no.

[Elvis]

Yeah, no violence. Yeah. What's going on there? Let's get fights back.

[Unknown Caller]

Interesting.

[Elvis]

Internet was built on bum fights.

[Unknown Caller]

Drive through fights.

[Elvis]

Drive through Waffle House. Waffle House fights. Classic stuff.

[Unknown Caller]

Have you seen. I. I get the same video over and over, and then I watch it every time. That's why they keep feeding it to me where it's like, you know, it's like a guy in court goes after his mother's murder and it's him like. And the whole family's like. And every time my adrenaline, I go, I go, guys, I've already seen this. I watch it again, I get a little hit.

[Elvis]

Yeah. You're like, that's fucking awesome. Good for you, man. Fuck that guy. Yeah, I know. I love. I know. I love seeing revenge happen. Yeah, it's nice.

[Unknown Caller]

But the fake ones, the act outs where it's like, there's a lot of those on the plane now where it's like, hey, it's like a guy, like. And then it's clearly completely fabrication.

[Elvis]

Yes, yes.

[Unknown Caller]

And then people are in the comments going like, this is not okay.

[Elvis]

Fake.

[Unknown Caller]

And no, no, they believe.

[Elvis]

They buy it.

[Unknown Caller]

A lot of them. They buy.

[Elvis]

Yeah. It's funny when you see people who clearly have rented a fake private plan plane or like a place.

[Unknown Caller]

Exactly. They're all empty. Yeah.

[Elvis]

Or they'll make a. They'll make a fight. Yeah, Yeah, I was that. Were you an early Internet user? Did you get it? Because we didn't have the Internet in my family. We're a dial up family.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah.

[Elvis]

And I didn't get it till late. And I'm like, you know, my first, it was all aol, you know, but we didn't get it till late.

[Unknown Caller]

Same dial up for sure. And yeah, I mean, I didn't. I guess I signed up for Facebook when I was 18.

[Elvis]

Oh, wow. Fresh, right? As soon as you get to college, you get that. I remember thinking Facebook. I was like, nah, I'm gotta put my face. I'm making fun of my. Making fun of my cousin who was like, in college. I was like, you fucking idiot. You dumb bitch. You put your name and your face on there, they're gonna steal your identity. You know what I mean?

[Unknown Caller]

And that was like, I still harbor, like, deep superstitious. Like, my relationship to technology is so superstitious. And it's like very. Like, I don't. For example. We'll get into it maybe. If I want to.

[Elvis]

Okay.

[Unknown Caller]

I did my first Kate Berlant public, one star Google review.

[Elvis]

Oh, you did your own and you got your own.

[Unknown Caller]

No, I reviewed a business with your name.

[Elvis]

You don't even have a burner.

[Unknown Caller]

Name.

[Elvis]

That's awesome.

[Unknown Caller]

And by the way, it's completely earnest. It's like. It's like, I want everyone to know if my laughing seems strange. I'm having my very first adult TMJ flare up. So sorry to hear laughter and smiling. It's like, actually, is it bad for.

[Elvis]

Wow, you're playing for acupuncture yesterday.

[Unknown Caller]

Well, here's what I'll fucking say.

[Elvis]

Please.

[Unknown Caller]

The cause of my jaw pain is the stress that was induced by a faulty business interaction.

[Elvis]

That's what the one star gets. Yes.

[Unknown Caller]

Beyond.

[Elvis]

Okay.

[Unknown Caller]

Oh, my God.

[Elvis]

And what kind will you say? The business or you don't want? Let's put them on blast.

[Unknown Caller]

Oh, by the way, a couple days ago I went. Cause I'll just say this. I'm gonna get. I'm deciding in real time. I'm gonna tell you everything.

[Elvis]

I love it. I love it.

[Unknown Caller]

And don't get too excited.

[Elvis]

Your own pace. At your own pace.

[Unknown Caller]

But a few days ago. Cause it was about two days of me really being obsessed about this. And then I go, I' releasing it. I go, it's not good. And karmically, you know, I go. And I was talking to my friend because it was business. I'd called nine times and they had to call me back and they blocked me. But the point is, my friend goes. She was like, it's bad. You're texting them. One of the guys that works there looks down at his phone. He's driving. He dies, Right? It's kind of like, okay. And I was like, right? Like, let it go.

[Elvis]

And there's also the old. Like, the only person you're hurting with a grudge is yourself.

[Unknown Caller]

I know.

[Elvis]

I know you know that. Which I fully don't buy. I love. I still love revenge. Like I said, this is how we started. We like seeing that guy kill. Punch his mom's murderer. I would've liked to shoot. Maybe shoot him in the head. Good. No problem.

[Unknown Caller]

I mean, hello. Now what's his head. Yeah. Yeah.

[Elvis]

That was pretty cool. Yeah, that was honestly pretty cool. Taking him out. Sexy assassin. Yeah. Yeah, hopefully. Well, the official Stavi's world stance is it's bad to kill CEOs want that on the record. Don't kill anyone.

[Unknown Caller]

Healthcare CEO and I. And I for an eye. Yeah.

[Elvis]

Leaves the whole world blind.

[Unknown Caller]

I know. But I'll just say.

[Elvis]

So this business Wronged you.

[Unknown Caller]

I have been wronged by a chimney sweep.

[Elvis]

A chimney sweep.

[Unknown Caller]

I have been. So hang on. Some context, right? I had a couple years ago.

[Elvis]

Did you fucking travel back in time? You traveled to Victorian England.

[Unknown Caller]

So a couple years ago, I just want to say, a couple years ago, I had a transcendent chimney sweeping experience. This guy.

[Elvis]

So this guy, this whoever wronged you was also following an impossible standard? It sounds like.

[Unknown Caller]

Well, I go, if this were my first sweep, maybe I'd go.

[Elvis]

I guess we're like, yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

So I'll just say, okay, this is what's interesting to me.

[Elvis]

Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

The guy called me on the phone. I made the appointment with Mr. Chimney. Hey, guys, by the way, if you look it up, their office is like a residence. Like, it's scary. Can I take ownership for this? Someone recommended to me the chimney guy. I got it mixed and went, Mr. Chimney. Which is. I mean, that is all these things.

[Elvis]

It's like they knew what they were doing. The chip. First of all, that should be illegal.

[Unknown Caller]

They're getting runoff from the chimney.

[Elvis]

Yeah, the chimney. Guys, up here. Mr. Chimney. Yeah, yeah. Like, I knew there was a comedian, a really shitty. Well, whatever you want to say about him. There was a comedian who bought a website, RussellPeters.com. but one of the L's was an uppercase I or some shit like that. And he would traffic, and he would get traffic, and he would pretend to be Russell Peters and say, hey, I'm booked, but you should check out my boy, who's awesome. Honestly, genius, he just didn't know Russell Peters at all.

[Unknown Caller]

That's amazing.

[Elvis]

So anyway, that's what I think. The chimney or Mr. Chimney. Steven. I don't. I can't even keep him straight.

[Unknown Caller]

Mr. Chimney. And I'll say this, I should. So my first time I scheduled with them, like, the day after, they're like, my technician's been in a car accident. He can't come. And I. And I text him back, oh, my God. Oh, no. I'm so sorry. Obviously, like, get back to me when didn't hear back the next day go. It's a little interesting. Didn't hear back the next day go. I guess I'll call back.

[Elvis]

Must be a bad accident.

[Unknown Caller]

That was my mistake. I got back in.

[Elvis]

Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

So they. This. They. Here's what I was gonna say. The guy called me because he was early. He's like, hi, I'm here early. I was like, okay, I'll be there, you know, like five minutes away, full body. I don't like him. I don't like it the second he gets there. And I am a bit clairvoyant. I had a full body. I go, I don't trust him. Something's off. It's bad, it's bad. It's hard to describe. And I came there. It wasn't anything. He said it wasn't anything.

[Elvis]

Just a general vibe issue.

[Unknown Caller]

I will say. Interesting note. Is that okay? Anyway, he asked if my partner was Jewish, which I didn't really love. And they're not.

[Elvis]

Well, listen, my father's a contractor. Anytime a blue collar worker asks the religion of someone, not a good sign. I grew up around these guys. It wasn't. Cause he's like. Cause I love that kind of person.

[Unknown Caller]

I love it.

[Elvis]

It's never that. He doesn't want to trade fucking dreidel stories, give you guilt.

[Unknown Caller]

There is no guilt discussed. And so I'll just say this. This motherfucker cleans my chimney, by the way. He's going, you're gonna need this sealant to protect against the rain. I go, ring me up. I don't want to talk about it. I'm a. You think? I know.

[Elvis]

Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

I go, fire. I go, I'm scared. It's a chimney.

[Elvis]

Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

I'm gonna cut to it. Come back in to pay this guy. There is fucking soot on every surface.

[Elvis]

Oh, no.

[Unknown Caller]

Oh, really quick. When he came in, he starts. And I go, oh, do you have, like, additional drop cloths? I have a white fucking couch, white curtain. I go, do you have. He goes, oh, no, no, no, it's fine. He's. And I go, all right, what am I gonna do? I'm gonna.

[Elvis]

You're the chimney guy.

[Unknown Caller]

I go in the other room, I take a shower, right? Okay. I'm relaxing. My chimney's being swept. Something's amiss.

[Elvis]

Everything's slate gray.

[Unknown Caller]

I go like this soot. And I'm talking about in the hallway in the other room.

[Elvis]

Oh, no, soot everywhere. Everywhere.

[Unknown Caller]

So I start going, whoa, whoa, there. There's soot on everything. And he go. And then he's going, it's a dirty job. He goes, look at me. He goes, look at me.

[Elvis]

I go, well, yeah, lady, come on.

[Unknown Caller]

Soot on his nose like a. Like a Dickens character. Anyway, I'm not a fighter.

[Elvis]

He's got a top hat with. There's no top.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, he has one of them. He did not have the right gear.

[Elvis]

Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

Ye. Again, I'm not a fighter. I don't want to get. It makes me uncomfortable, of course. But then I go, don't fuck me in my own home.

[Elvis]

Of course.

[Unknown Caller]

You come in here, you spray soot around here.

[Elvis]

You can't do that.

[Unknown Caller]

And then. And so he. Oh, well, this is the real great moment. I walk into the other hall. I walk into the hall, I come back, look at the bottom of my foot. It's black. Okay? I go, look. I go. He goes, maybe your house is dirty. I go, excuse me, sweetheart. Oh, sweetheart, no. So then, yeah. And I. The point is, so 1.

[Elvis]

Stars are coming out.

[Unknown Caller]

It's beyond. But I was up in the night going, why did I pay? Why did I let him leave? And then I go, well, this is when you really need a husband.

[Elvis]

Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

Cause I go, if my fucking husband were home.

[Elvis]

Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

Would you be doing this to me? Hey, bitch. You unmarried cunt.

[Elvis]

Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

Now your house is dirty.

[Elvis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You need to. How about this? A service rent, a husband.

[Unknown Caller]

I know.

[Elvis]

You get a chimney sweep coming around so that you don't get some big burly guy who knows what football players.

[Unknown Caller]

You happy with the chimney?

[Elvis]

Hey, pal, what the hell's going on out here?

[Unknown Caller]

If I had been able to be like Jeff, like, what would have panned out differently?

[Elvis]

Absolutely.

[Unknown Caller]

So I'll just say I panicked. The guy goes, we'll knock off $200. And I let him leave.

[Elvis]

Wow.

[Unknown Caller]

Full refund required. He leaves. And then I. Then I look around and I go, there's soot everywhere.

[Elvis]

Cost more.

[Unknown Caller]

I'm not kidding.

[Elvis]

I believe you.

[Unknown Caller]

I'll submit photo. The walls, the curtains, soot.

[Elvis]

That's brilliant.

[Unknown Caller]

I call a couch cleaner company. They go, this guy was great. Greg at something. Business.

[Elvis]

I don't know. I went to Greg.

[Unknown Caller]

He was great. I go, and what is your name now? This is customer service. He goes to me, I'm not gonna lie to you.

[Elvis]

I love the moment when you're trying to, like, connect with a different business, to just remind yourself, this isn't me.

[Unknown Caller]

I love this.

[Elvis]

I'm a good human being. I wanna talk. I wanna ask Greg how his days going.

[Unknown Caller]

I'm a chatter.

[Elvis]

Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

I'm going. I'm like, who needs water? Who needs cookies? Okay.

[Elvis]

I'm having fun. Yes, yes, yes. So you're bringing out the lemonade.

[Unknown Caller]

The couch guy go, God, you've been. Can I just say, you have been so helpful. And he said to me, he goes, I'm not gonna lie to you. Soot is maybe the most difficult thing.

[Elvis]

Oh, no.

[Unknown Caller]

So I start calling this business. So I call Mr. Chimney Pro Star Services.

[Elvis]

Is who.

[Unknown Caller]

Mr. Chimney, like, contracted to come to my house. Whatever. The point is.

[Elvis]

Well, we've got subcontract. It's a whole shell company.

[Unknown Caller]

I know. I call Mr. Chimney. Not even Pro Star. Pro Star, you look them up. Their headquarters is a residence in Woodland Hills. Just a house.

[Elvis]

Just a guy's house.

[Unknown Caller]

So. And I.

[Elvis]

Pro Star also means nothing.

[Unknown Caller]

Well, by the. I can't leave them. I can't leave Mr. Chimney or Pro Star. Bad reviews on Yelp because they. I'm worried I'm going to hit the wrong business. It's like Pro star. There's like 18 different shells. I'm calling them, going, do you clean chimneys?

[Elvis]

They go, no.

[Unknown Caller]

So. So I'll just say, the night of the chimney sweep, that. That it happened. I wake up the next morning, I must have been clenching my stress. All the anger, I can't chew. My doctor said to me, two weeks, soft foods. I go, someone's going to be a rail at the end of two weeks. No, but. But only. Yeah.

[Elvis]

No, that's brutal. I'm so sorry.

[Unknown Caller]

And so, yeah, I can't fully do my usual.

[Elvis]

You're doing a great job.

[Unknown Caller]

But I think, yeah, I think playing through the pain, it's kind of good for me to be actually on the way here. I go, I'm gonna get roles I'm gonna book from this because I always go too big. So instead, I'm gonna go like this. It's gonna like, if I. I bet my career would go through the fucking roof.

[Elvis]

I was like this. Just a little more Mr. Chimney, a little more reserved.

[Unknown Caller]

So, yeah, I. So the soot.

[Elvis]

I'm really sorry to hear that. And fuck, I could say it. Fuck Mr. Chimney. Take that. And you know how we said, don't murder CEOs? I'm not gonna. I'm not coming out and saying what to do to Mr. Chimney. And by the way, I'm not weighing in one way or the other.

[Unknown Caller]

I have played this game with myself. I go, do I want their business to crumble? No. Do I want them to go out of business? No. Do I want their children to go hungry? No.

[Elvis]

Okay.

[Unknown Caller]

I want my money back. And I want just someone to say, I'm sorry. Because I'll say this.

[Elvis]

The moral, the wanting a fucking apology is so funny.

[Unknown Caller]

You wanted to be witness to my pain. That's why I was like, kate, let it go. Because I don't. I actually. It made me realize I don't go through life like a victim. Like, I don't feel that feeling the soot, everywhere I go I am a victim.

[Elvis]

Absolutely. You've been victimized by Mr. Chimney.

[Unknown Caller]

Spoke to Jordan. Hey, bitch, if you're watching a manager. I happened to get on the phone after I called nine times and was blocked, and she didn't say sorry. And I said to her, by the way, I go, no, sorry, direct quote. I said, you have no idea who you're dealing with.

[Elvis]

Oh, no. I said, when do you start doing this stuff that you're embarrassed about? When you start getting in the do you know who my father is? Zone?

[Unknown Caller]

I said, I will bury you online. Then I couldn't find them. I go, I'll take you to small claims. She goes, take us.

[Elvis]

I go, oh, no, she's getting into it with you.

[Unknown Caller]

I said, okay, this will be fun. And I hung up. And then I thought I was gonna put it to bed. But then here I have to talk about it.

[Elvis]

Of course.

[Unknown Caller]

Because also the tmj, so. Really?

[Elvis]

Of course.

[Unknown Caller]

Take him to court.

[Elvis]

Now you can sue for damages.

[Unknown Caller]

Damages.

[Elvis]

TMJ damages. Yeah. I'm gonna assume you're gonna be 85%.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah.

[Elvis]

I thought I was looking full face range Caperland. I gotta deal with 80% soot. Berlint.

[Unknown Caller]

I can't go.

[Elvis]

I'm suing Mr. Chimney.

[Unknown Caller]

I can go.

[Elvis]

Ha.

[Unknown Caller]

I can't go. Ha ha, ha. Yeah.

[Elvis]

Wow.

[Unknown Caller]

Anyway, I'm glad I got that.

[Elvis]

Get it off your chest. And you know what? Hold on to a little resentment.

[Unknown Caller]

Soot. What?

[Elvis]

Just hold on to just a little resentment. Something a little bad. You said you're sort of clairvoyant. Do you have any other powers? Could you give them a flat tire, even?

[Unknown Caller]

See, here's why. I'm a light worker. I don't. I wouldn't do that. I actually don't want injury. I don't want injury. I just want my money back. I want an apology. I want someone to acknowledge that I suffered.

[Elvis]

Well, okay. And we will get that for. You know what eldest. Go find Mr. Fucking Cheat, by the way, I love.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, I left. So again, I was like, I'm dropping it. And then yesterday I got a huge email. Or I sent a huge email out and I go, if I don't respond to this, then I'll let it go.

[Elvis]

It's over.

[Unknown Caller]

But I'm on the podcast talking about it now, so we'll see. I don't really know.

[Elvis]

Next you find the house, that address, and you put a fucking billboard.

[Unknown Caller]

I know.

[Elvis]

Mr. Chimney's a fucking liar. Fraud. Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

Mr. Chimney is a fraud.

[Elvis]

Look at how much that'd cost. We could go half on that. That'd be fun.

[Unknown Caller]

I know. That would be.

[Elvis]

Write that off, by the way.

[Unknown Caller]

Woodland hills billboard.

[Elvis]

Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

$700. I mean, I just don't even know.

[Elvis]

We can figure that out. I think we can do that. You know, maybe this could be your whole. Didn't. Who had a. Who had a. Didn't somebody have a one man show about the police him over? Was that Biglia? It just feels like a bala thing.

[Unknown Caller]

The police him over?

[Elvis]

I don't know.

[Unknown Caller]

I don't know. No. Well, trust me. Of course. Yesterday, because I was texting a friend of mine and he said, I love you. You have to let this go. He's like, oh, Mr. Chimney blocked me, right? He goes, let it go. And then yesterday I said, you're coming.

[Elvis]

The wrong guy for letting it go. I'm like, let's fucking destroy this guy. I fucking hate him.

[Unknown Caller]

So I sent my friend the email that I sent. I sent it to my mother. My mother goes, really proud of the letter you wrote. Okay. So I write this letter.

[Elvis]

Your mom is supporting this kind of behavior.

[Unknown Caller]

And my friend did go, there's a movie here. I go, you know, it crossed my mind, yeah, the people versus Mr. Chimney.

[Elvis]

The people versus Mr. Chimney. There is you. There is a movie about, like, you taking it too far and like accidentally killing Mr. And having to like cover the body.

[Unknown Caller]

Well, yesterday when I wrote my one star review, I go, what if I'm opening up a can? You know what I mean? I go, what if I'm. What if it's me begging, Please, please, please. You're pulling it to the threads. I just don't want to die screaming, no. Like, I don't want to be running.

[Elvis]

I don't want, like, Yeah, I gotta say, I wouldn't. Of all the businesses to fuck with. When you get someone on the phone, they're like, fucking take us to court. I know, bad sign.

[Unknown Caller]

It's a little scary. Yeah. Someone else goes, we are so sorry. How do we make this right?

[Elvis]

Even if they know they're not gonna do shit. Even if they're like, oh, that sounds like such a bad situation. Then they hang up on you and they're like, fucking dumb bitch. But to just on the phone be like, try us, whore. We don't fucking care.

[Unknown Caller]

It's crazy.

[Elvis]

I know what's going on in there. You got a couple of Jews I'm not scared of. With a fucking dirty ass living room.

[Unknown Caller]

Exactly.

[Elvis]

With a dirty floor, by the way. Are you sure it's not your floor? Love that. Yeah. Unfortunately, I've now grown to respect Mr. Chimney.

[Unknown Caller]

I know. It is pretty punk what they're doing.

[Elvis]

Yeah. Just being horrible and not giving a fuck. And you realize it's. You can just be a piece of shit and you don't really ever face that many consequences.

[Unknown Caller]

Well, that's what actually made me. I mean, this is minor, right? This is a soot.

[Elvis]

Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

Catastrophe. It's annoying, but, you know, but ultimately it's a minor annoyance. I go, it actually gave me more human empathy. Cause I go, people are dealing with this on the. I go, imagine I don't do well with this. It's making like. I don't do well with.

[Elvis]

Sure.

[Unknown Caller]

Is it confrontation.

[Elvis]

Like, I just conflict.

[Unknown Caller]

I threw my jaw out.

[Elvis]

Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

Hello.

[Elvis]

The jaws. Yeah. You'd be physical.

[Unknown Caller]

I'm hurting myself.

[Elvis]

What was the first TMJ flare up? Has this been your whole life?

[Unknown Caller]

I've always had jaw stuff, but I'm like, doesn't everyone kind of. I mean, like, look at my face. Clearly I carry in my jaw. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I'm like, you're a clencher.

[Elvis]

You've been a clencher your whole life.

[Unknown Caller]

My whole life. I got a night guard years ago. I go, I'm not wearing that. I'm trying to have sex.

[Elvis]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

I just was like, no. And so then, basically, and I asked my dentist, I go, you're telling me one night of really bad clenching can do this? He was like, yep. In your state? Yeah. He goes, you're jerk. Quote, serious risk of lockjaw. Only my greatest fear.

[Elvis]

Wow. For how long is lockjaw?

[Unknown Caller]

I don't know. What do they do?

[Elvis]

You just have to fucking be like this and not say shit.

[Unknown Caller]

No, it's open.

[Elvis]

Oh, it's open.

[Unknown Caller]

I always thought it was open that you're like, here. You take a sub. And you're like.

[Elvis]

And then it's just. Oh, okay. I would be so pissed if it. I would be really pissed at the beginning of the sub. I need to get a little sub. Imagine being hungry and. And lockjaw kicks in. Not even a bite.

[Unknown Caller]

No. Rye. Gorgeous rye crisps.

[Elvis]

You can. Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

Pastrami.

[Elvis]

You can feel a little of it on your tongue.

[Unknown Caller]

Cheddar hits it.

[Elvis]

And you're also.

[Unknown Caller]

Imagine the humiliation. Just the. I mean, frozen open. Crying, frozen open. Help. Help.

[Elvis]

I thought it was closed. Wow.

[Unknown Caller]

By the way, it might be closed.

[Elvis]

Well, just a couple of scientists trying to get to the bottom.

[Unknown Caller]

He goes, put some arnica on it.

[Elvis]

What's that?

[Unknown Caller]

You know Just topical stuff.

[Elvis]

Okay.

[Unknown Caller]

It's not helping.

[Elvis]

Not helping. Damn. Maybe the power of riffing through the podcast.

[Unknown Caller]

No, this is good. The joy is taking my mind off. I have a question for you, actually, but I have an etiquette question for you.

[Elvis]

Yeah?

[Unknown Caller]

Because I got into it, dear friend and I got into a fight this morning.

[Elvis]

Oh, beautiful.

[Unknown Caller]

A little bit of yelling on the phone about this.

[Elvis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

Where do you stand with. Okay. I'm of the mind. You can't say to someone, hey, are you going to the party on Friday? Are you going to Jeff's party on Friday? The person goes, not invited. Their heart's broken. Don't ask people if they're going to parties. Right.

[Elvis]

Okay.

[Unknown Caller]

Where do you stand?

[Elvis]

Here's where I stand. How close a friend is this?

[Unknown Caller]

Like the two. Okay, okay. So obviously. Okay, okay.

[Elvis]

If it's the coolest event of the fucking year. Right. And your friend's a fucking loser.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah.

[Elvis]

And you're just, like, kind of hoping there's a chance. Just, you need a ride. And you're like, he's probably not invited, but let me ask if he's going to fish for my own. But if you're just like, is this a super close friend? How close? The person you're asking and the person who's coming.

[Unknown Caller]

So it's like a friend. Not my event, not your event, not at my event, but a friend. They're close. We're all close.

[Elvis]

You're all close.

[Unknown Caller]

But they had kind of a thing, like, it's not crazy that the other person wouldn't have been invited, because there's history. If there's history between the party thrower and this person, there's history.

[Elvis]

Can you ask the party thrower or.

[Unknown Caller]

No, ask the party, hey, is Susanna invited? And then the party throw goes, oh, my God. Actually, they're not. You don't go, Susanna going to Jeff's.

[Elvis]

Yes. You got to go to the party. If there's history, I think you got to do your due diligence and say, hey, I don't want to make it weird. I want to just have some carpaccio and hang out. I don't want to make it strange. Is she coming or not? And then. And then, if you really want to be a good guy, you've done, you know, you have the information. You know they have invited them, and then you ask them about it in a welcoming way to make it feel like you're just one of the guys. The history's over. But you can't gamble on whether They've.

[Unknown Caller]

Resolved, you can't go. You going?

[Elvis]

Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

Anyway, so I raised. I raised my voice and I said, how about this? Going forward, know this. Never say to anyone, are you going to the party?

[Elvis]

Now, generally, I think you can ask about going to parties. I have to say, God, I guess.

[Unknown Caller]

If there's no history, you could be.

[Elvis]

Like, what's up with the party? You go to that thing? And then if they're like, I'm not invited.

[Unknown Caller]

Be like, I guess, yikes. Maybe I'm too sensitive. That, like, for me is like, well.

[Elvis]

That would, like, if it's. Again, I always come back to if it's a good enough friend that you can offend them and laugh it off.

[Unknown Caller]

Ask them to be safe. Yeah.

[Elvis]

And then why do you want this person there? What are your intentions? Are they pure? Do you really just want to have a good time? And do you have enough clout to be like. Like, just come with me. If you do, you can always ask. But if you're like, if it's on the fence and it's a cool thing and you're not sure, be careful. Be careful. Tread lightly.

[Unknown Caller]

Okay?

[Elvis]

Tread lightly. But if it's a very good friend and you also want to, it could be fun to rub it in that they're not going. Yeah, you didn't make the cut, loser. You're not going. Folks, this ain't a little itsy bitsy, teeny weeny bowl. It's the Super Bowl. That's right. And even though some of us are in mourning and maybe boycotting the game because the Ravens lost. No, I'm.

[Unknown Caller]

What?

[Elvis]

Who am I kidding? Not only am I watching it, I might get in on the action with DraftKings Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NFL of Super Bowl 59. In fact, scoring touchdowns is the key to hoisting the Vince Lombardi Trophy. And you have a shot to score big by betting on them. At DraftKings Sportsbook, the number one place to bet touchdowns, new DraftKings customers can get $5. To get $200 in bets instantly, download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use code STAVI. That's code STAVI S, T, A, V, Y for new customers to get $200 in bonus bets instantly. When you bet just five bucks only on DraftKings sportsbook, the crown is yours. Yeah, I don't know. I also don't have that many. Like, all my friends I've known truly my whole life, that's like me.

[Unknown Caller]

Most of my, Like, I'm. Yeah.

[Elvis]

And you grew up here? Not. Not because. But you. Do you go to school in New York or. You lived in New York?

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, I lived. I lived in New York for, like, nine years.

[Elvis]

Okay.

[Unknown Caller]

I went out there for school and then I stayed.

[Elvis]

Nice.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah.

[Elvis]

Hell, yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

Just doing sets, you know? Doing sets. That's one thing I noticed. If I have, like, one cocktail, I start talking about doing sex. I go. I go. I was there. I was taking the train. I was long. I was like, these kids don't do sets. They don't fucking do sets. I was pounding the pavement. I mean. I mean, one martini.

[Elvis]

Aging. It's like you get in your 30s and you become everything you thought was lame. And it feels good.

[Unknown Caller]

It feels good.

[Elvis]

And you get it. You're like, yeah, these fucking kids don't get it.

[Unknown Caller]

I go, comics, they get on the Internet now.

[Elvis]

They don't have to go to fucking mics.

[Unknown Caller]

No, they weren't. They weren't fighting.

[Elvis]

They weren't out there scrapping.

[Unknown Caller]

They weren't getting business cards.

[Elvis]

No, I had business cards.

[Unknown Caller]

I go, apa. No, I had business cards. I had business cards handed out.

[Elvis]

Fucking business cards. Remember my business cards, Eldis?

[Unknown Caller]

I was remembering. I was just saying my head shot on there.

[Elvis]

I'm like, yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

Oh, my God. I have a head shot I should truly send in, Please. Where I look 10 years older than I look now.

[Elvis]

That's awesome.

[Unknown Caller]

And my hair is to here, and I'm over one shoulder like this. I look Latin. It's absolutely wild. But I was remembering. I did it. I did a show and agent's gonna come to scout you. The mic went out. I had to do it. No mic, just to a room.

[Elvis]

Wow.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, they signed me, but, yeah, comics. You remember comics? The comedy club.

[Elvis]

Of course.

[Unknown Caller]

They closed owing me $150. That's how old I am, folks.

[Elvis]

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

Actually very young. I don't even like to joke.

[Elvis]

Did you. Did you move, like, wanting to do purely comedy? Was it more artsy? Were you a theater kid?

[Unknown Caller]

Rejected from theater school. Never said fucks.

[Elvis]

Rejected theater from theater. Okay, well, that explains everything.

[Unknown Caller]

My first stand up, I did here, like, the Laugh Factory when I was 17.

[Elvis]

17.

[Unknown Caller]

I had a fake ID.

[Elvis]

That's awesome. Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

See, this is where I get into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I did.

[Elvis]

Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

I started stand up when I was 17, and then I moved to New York.

[Elvis]

Interesting. Were you, like, a theater kid, though? Were you, like, doing plays in high school?

[Unknown Caller]

I did plays in high school, not musical theater. I don't know why I feel the need to distance myself from that culture because everyone would've assumed I did plays. You know, I had a line on Lizzie McGuire as a kid.

[Elvis]

Oh, big. That's huge. Wow. How'd that. Were you trying to be a child? Cause I remember I auditioned for a Bruce Willis movie called the Kid.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, I bet you'd be a big booker.

[Elvis]

I was cute as hell. I peaked at, like, Truly. Nine years old. Like, I was the cutest baby. I peaked it as a baby. I'm like, so cute. I should have been, but my parents. And I wanted to be. I'm so glad my parents were like, no. Cause I would have been.

[Unknown Caller]

Those parents should be.

[Elvis]

I wanted to be a show business, like, terror. When I was like a kid, I was like, I need to be a fucking star. And I remember going to a. Just pure open call, just not even really auditioned for it. They just, like, looked at a bunch of fat kids, basically. It's like Bruce Willis goes back in time. There's maybe a very early.

[Unknown Caller]

I don't know it.

[Elvis]

Yeah, it's a really shitty movie. And they ended up casting. By the way. It's a family. It's like a. The Fannings. Apparently they had a fat little brother and he got a bite at the apple.

[Unknown Caller]

What's going on with those parents?

[Elvis]

Yeah, yeah, Truly.

[Unknown Caller]

I talked about this with my friend that, like, children should not be actors. You should have adults play children.

[Elvis]

And then. Yeah, yeah, that's funny. Make it all Stuart.

[Unknown Caller]

It's not like they can't be involved.

[Elvis]

No. It's so fucked up. It's so fucked up to see kids. And like, when I've done stuff and there have been kids, it's like the parents are like, yes, $300. They're just like, take my infant.

[Unknown Caller]

When the infants are crying, go. The baby doesn't know it's not real. They go, he's crying. Perfect. It's like, oh, my God, the murder.

[Elvis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

I don't know.

[Elvis]

Okay, mom, can you pretend you're hurt? So he starts crying.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah.

[Elvis]

We're having a real hard time cuing him.

[Unknown Caller]

So.

[Elvis]

I'm sorry, how did that. Were you like, I gotta be a star? Like, how did the Lizzie McGuire thing happen?

[Unknown Caller]

I will, you know, again, Los Angeles, even though my parents are not in the industry. Yes.

[Elvis]

So why'd they live here? They just liked it.

[Unknown Caller]

Just arty. Yeah.

[Elvis]

Just love the LA ArtC was just a really. I guess I never think of LA as, like, arty. I mean, I guess it is, but I think of it as more like just purely industry thriving art scene in.

[Unknown Caller]

The 70s, I want to say. Yeah, okay, cool. No, but.

[Elvis]

So they were cool artist types.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah.

[Elvis]

Nah. Oh, okay. Sick. They have people fucking coming in and out. You didn't like it? Weren't the artsy type where it's like they're having like, orgies in the pool house.

[Unknown Caller]

No orgies. Just like. Just like. Like there were no orgies. But, you know, dinner parties and weed. You know, my dad wake and bake, stoner my whole life, stuff like that.

[Elvis]

Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

But they explained it to me. They were like, some daddies have beer. Like, really? They were like, some dads have beer. My dad has never.

[Elvis]

I have alcohol. I have a different kind of problem.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, this is. This is.

[Elvis]

Yeah, it's like, not really an explanation. And I'm addicted to a thing you can't buy at stores.

[Unknown Caller]

That's so funny. I've never really seen it that way. I was like, isn't that so humane and just open and modern?

[Elvis]

I mean, if he had like a joint twice a week, that would be the discussion. But like, now some daddies crack a Schlitz at 9:00am I smoke weed at 9:00am it's normal.

[Unknown Caller]

Oh, my God. This is. You're seeing me in a way I've never been seen.

[Elvis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

And never had the courage to see myself. Yeah. Yeah.

[Elvis]

That's awesome.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah.

[Elvis]

Like a good. Like an artsy, weedy dinner party.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Elvis]

Love you.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Elvis]

That's fun. Yeah, That's a cool. That's the. That's the appropriate amount. Want of cool parent to have.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah.

[Elvis]

Any more than that and it's trouble.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, yeah. Of course.

[Elvis]

Starts getting.

[Unknown Caller]

Because I go, listen, I'm already like, you know, you go, oh, you're a comedian. Oh, your dad's an artist. Yeah, I did. I wasn't like, I'm not gonna be in marketing. You know what I mean? Like. Like, it was like, it is all rigged totally. Like, like, so much of it. So, you know. But. But yeah, but no, I mean, it wasn't like, I didn't have a producer in the family or director.

[Elvis]

No one's accusing you of Nepo baby.

[Unknown Caller]

I was called an EPO baby.

[Elvis]

Because your dad got high and what'd he do?

[Unknown Caller]

Because. Yeah, yeah. It's like, I. Because.

[Elvis]

Were your parents both like, like artists?

[Unknown Caller]

My mom worked in, like, set design. Props.

[Elvis]

Okay.

[Unknown Caller]

And yeah, they were like daughter of a sculptor and a prop.

[Elvis]

I was like, guys, you know those sculpt. You know, who has A lot of power in society. Sculptors. You know, the art form that peaked in ancient Greece.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah.

[Elvis]

Those are the people that are respected in the fucking 90s.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah.

[Elvis]

That's so funny.

[Unknown Caller]

But I. Oh, but, yeah, a friend's mother got me an audition for Lizzie McGuire, and I booked it. Have never booked a role since from an audition, essentially. And, yeah, so I was like. I was like, here we fucking go.

[Elvis]

Was it like a really offensive. Like, was your. Your mom. Your friend's mom? Like, oh, they need annoying girls. Annoying Jew, too.

[Unknown Caller]

Student number two, actually, was the name I got.

[Elvis]

Oh, sh.

[Unknown Caller]

Little girl. Yeah.

[Elvis]

Shrill, dumb. Little.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah. Yeah, I. Yeah, I guess I love.

[Elvis]

When you get something and it's like, I. I literally am, like, doing something where it's like, we need a fat piece of.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, totally.

[Elvis]

Hey, if the money's right, I'm there, baby.

[Unknown Caller]

Absolutely.

[Elvis]

I don't even care.

[Unknown Caller]

Bustina.

[Elvis]

Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

And I do it. I. I actually, I have it somewhere. I saved, like, 10 years ago, I got an audition for something, and it was, like, truly said. What did it say? Like, was like, woman, different looking, maybe odd, Possibly even deformed. Possibly even deformed. And I go, I'll take a swing. Didn't get it.

[Elvis]

Didn't get it, huh?

[Unknown Caller]

I auditioned once for. Remember Girl Code?

[Elvis]

Oh, of course.

[Unknown Caller]

Not to be one of the talking heads. To be one of the reenactors.

[Elvis]

Wow.

[Unknown Caller]

Imagine being degraded. A line of me and other. And they go, okay, girls, just dance like you're at a party now you're drunk. To not get that. They go, I like everyone but her, because I'm sure my eyes were crossed. And I was like, yeah, something.

[Elvis]

That's fucking hilarious. I didn't even think they auditioned those. I figured they went into the office and were like, hey, anybody want to fucking dance around while Chris De Stefano calls Chris Brown gay?

[Unknown Caller]

No, they did not want me.

[Elvis]

That's so fucking funny. That's hilarious. Were you an only child? Do you have siblings?

[Unknown Caller]

Wait, I'm just. Because I'm remembering another story I have to tell now. An audition story, because I never get to do this. I once in New York, went to an audition. I don't know even how the fuck I got there, but someone told me it was, like. Wasn't fully off the Internet. Someone was like, oh, I know him or something. Director guy. I go into. It's an apartment. I go up the stairs. There's a bench, whatever. He's there with his camera. He goes, okay, we're just gonna go through a series of emotions so there's no text. So just sit on the couch and you know.

[Elvis]

Okay, just in a guy's house.

[Unknown Caller]

And then, and then, I'm not kidding. He goes, okay, let's just go through some stages of arousal. Oh, no, I'm on a bench like this. There's a camera like this. He goes. So he's like, close your eyes. I was like, okay. He's like, okay, so just kind of stages. You're kind of just starting to get turned on. Like, no, no, no, no. All the way up. Up to barking orgasm.

[Elvis]

Oh, boy. And I'm there.

[Unknown Caller]

I was maybe 21.

[Elvis]

Yeah, yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

You're like, fully coming on a stool. And then he, and then he's bringing me down.

[Elvis]

Okay, now he's recording this.

[Unknown Caller]

Yes, of course he's recording it in audition.

[Elvis]

Fully. This guy has a pyramid scheme to shut jerk off to.

[Unknown Caller]

And he's like, he's like, okay, and now you're coming down off of it. Relax. And then. Okay, that was great. Thank you. Thank you so much.

[Elvis]

It's like for a Iams dog food commercial.

[Unknown Caller]

I mean, it's unbelievable.

[Elvis]

That's fucking.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah. I want my footage.

[Elvis]

The footage. That's big. Now. That's a hit reel.

[Unknown Caller]

I know that's a hit reel right there.

[Elvis]

Put your dates at the bottom. You know what I mean? We're selling tickets, baby. That is so fucking insane. It's insane that that was just allowed.

[Unknown Caller]

And I didn't tell it. Like, I didn't even know. But I wasn't like, I don't know about that. I left like, hey, you want to get dinner? Like, I just left, like, it was like, truly a couple years ago. I like, uncovered it. I was like, wait, I didn't think. I was just like, acting is acting.

[Elvis]

And if I'm an actress, then you.

[Unknown Caller]

Have to be able to do it whatever they want.

[Elvis]

Yeah, you've been to enough therapy where like, that thawed out. Like, you know how they say, like, if we melt the ice caps, ancient diseases will come out? Like, I feel like you finally got through enough of your stuff that it's like, oh, I got like, the lightest form of casting couch assault that there is happened to me when I was just trying to make it in the.

[Unknown Caller]

City art house casting couch.

[Elvis]

And I wonder what it was. It was probably for some. I mean, it was for nothing. There was no project.

[Unknown Caller]

Probably for nothing.

[Elvis]

There was obviously no project. But I wonder what the lie was. Obviously. It must have been like, like his short film. Damn, that is hilarious. Yeah, I, I, I Don't like auditioning because I don't want to. Just put me in the thing.

[Unknown Caller]

Getting off for going, folks. You know what you're going to get?

[Elvis]

Come on. You need a. You need a horny idiot. You need a. That kind of. Kind of rude. Actually, that's pretty much it. Yeah, but with a heart of gold.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah. Yeah, with a little.

[Elvis]

With a little heart of gold. That's. I'm here for that. Oh, interesting.

[Unknown Caller]

Wow.

[Elvis]

Yeah, that's. That. So, okay. Sorry, because I asked you about your.

[Unknown Caller]

So, New York. So New York. Yeah. And then I. I was in New York and then I moved back to LA. I don't know, like 10 years ago or something.

[Elvis]

You're like, I gotta be back.

[Unknown Caller]

Not even. I just kind of was like. Like, I don't know. I. I was coming back here a lot. No, there was kind of a pressure, like, hey, if you want a book, you gotta be in la. Which is like completely not real.

[Elvis]

Not true at all.

[Unknown Caller]

But also I started seeing, like, my. My boyfriend at the time was living here, so I was just like. I was coming back and forth a lot and I was like, and I'm from here. Like, it wasn't a dramatic move.

[Elvis]

Sure, sure, sure. I just always assumed you were from. Cause I guess when I.

[Unknown Caller]

New York.

[Elvis]

Yeah, I just assumed you're from New York.

[Unknown Caller]

People think I'm from New York and I love it.

[Elvis]

Yeah. I wonder what that's about.

[Unknown Caller]

Because I'm not a dumb whore. It really is.

[Elvis]

Curly hair, just being artsy and a brunette. You're like, yeah, well, she's not from LA completely. There's no way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just immediately it's a bro from fucking Staten Island. That's so fucking hilarious. Yeah, I just assumed that. I guess I also. Cause I just. I mean. Cause it was like. I feel like a lot of the comedy you're doing was kind of very shitting on over the top theatrical, like, that kind. You also do have the best version of what an agent is like in the other two that I've ever seen in my life. That's. I mean, you've done a lot of great stuff, but that was. Go check that out, folks.

[Unknown Caller]

We want to see what people scream. I'm gagging for you, faggot. At me on the street. Like. I'm like, okay, yeah.

[Elvis]

That really is probably your most quotable.

[Unknown Caller]

I know. No, completely.

[Elvis]

Because a lot of your shit's awesome. But it's like, there's not like it's a thing to latch, like a phrase to Latch on is like you got. You could be having. You know, that could be T shirts, gravestone, that could be koozies.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah.

[Elvis]

You could sell a lot of merch.

[Unknown Caller]

I know if I had, if I were a little different, I would maybe have really gone hard.

[Elvis]

Oh my God. That'd be your whole thing.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah.

[Elvis]

And. But yeah, that's. That, that is. But yeah. I just always assumed that. But I. I would have never thought artists in la, you know. Although it makes. That also makes a lot of sense. Cuz you're probably like, my art is acting. I'm also an artist.

[Unknown Caller]

I'm also. Yeah. Did you.

[Elvis]

I guess you liked your par. They're good. They're still together. Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, yeah.

[Elvis]

Okay.

[Unknown Caller]

I'm. I'm. Yeah. I never like rebelled.

[Elvis]

Yeah. Oh, interesting.

[Unknown Caller]

Like I realized that like I was always like, I love my mom. Like I just never like. I mean, that was cool. I smoked weed in high school. I'm like, you know.

[Elvis]

Yeah. But I got it from my dad.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah. Well, literally completely. And he was just like, don't. Surely was like, never smoke weed and drive. I was like, you got it. And he was like, my dad like so scared of like the cops. Like Jewish. Like he was like, never smoke weed by an open window cuz someone could smell it. And I'll call and I go, okay, you got it. So I've internalized so much of that.

[Elvis]

Got a hot box. I love your dad being like, I'm not like, I'm a daddy who's smokes weed in the mornings and you got a hot box. Don't smoke a weed near a window. So fucking funny.

[Unknown Caller]

He's like, they'll smell out, they'll walk onto the street.

[Elvis]

Was your dad ever arrested or something?

[Unknown Caller]

Actually he had like a lot of interactions with the cops. Cause the protests and stuff.

[Elvis]

Yeah. Hell yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

So yeah.

[Elvis]

So he was like one of those guys, fuck the pigs type of guy.

[Unknown Caller]

Exactly.

[Elvis]

That's pretty fun. I mean, I guess that is something too. If you're just kind of chill, your kids don't really need to rebuild Rebel.

[Unknown Caller]

In fact, that's the thing.

[Elvis]

Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

Like it wasn't. And yeah, I didn't. Yeah.

[Elvis]

Seems like they hit the sweet spot. Because the way for those kids to rebel is to truly is like become a banker.

[Unknown Caller]

Exactly.

[Elvis]

Like I have friends who are hysterical. Like artists that are so like, like, you know, used to live in warehouses and like filth and like make the weirdest shit. And I'm like. And they've had kids and it's like Those kids are going to be on Wall Street.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, yeah, like that.

[Elvis]

Those kids are going to be Republicans by the time they're like 11. They're gonna be like homophobic somehow.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, they're day traders when they're poor.

[Elvis]

Like they are already. Yeah, for sure. But it's nice. Your. Your parents kind of hit the. Nice. A nice stride in the middle.

[Unknown Caller]

Turned out perfect. I don't know.

[Elvis]

Yeah, just a. One of the most regular people I've ever met in my life. Did you go? But did you. So was your mom from Spain? Like, did you get to go?

[Unknown Caller]

No. So my mom was born here.

[Elvis]

Oh, born here. But I was born here. But my family came in there.

[Unknown Caller]

But like her. I mean. Yeah, her first language was Spanish.

[Elvis]

Like she. Same thing. That's kind of first generation.

[Unknown Caller]

Exactly.

[Elvis]

Did you have family over there? Did you get to go? Do you go a bunch?

[Unknown Caller]

The last relatives I had that were living in Spain moved, so they're not there anymore. So I haven't, I haven't spent time there. Like I've been a couple times, but not for real.

[Elvis]

Damn, that's a fun. Spain is a. Interesting place to be from too because.

[Unknown Caller]

It'S like Andalusia, Malaga.

[Elvis]

Do you speak Spanish? A little bit.

[Unknown Caller]

I'm kind of doing Italian. I really got like. I really was good like in high school. And there's videos of myself when I'm much younger speaking Spanish and I'm like. And I just lost. And now I'm shy with it and I, you know, it's like, interesting. So it's part of my 10 year plan to really get in.

[Elvis]

Gotta get back in there.

[Unknown Caller]

I mean, trust me. I'm in Mexico for a week, honey.

[Elvis]

Gotta get back in there.

[Unknown Caller]

It's pretty good, but gotta get back in there.

[Elvis]

You live. I mean, you live here.

[Unknown Caller]

I know it's criminal to not speak every fucking day.

[Elvis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm always jealous of people who do speak Spanish. Cause I'm like. Cause my Greek really is not so good. And it's like, I just feel. It's also frustrating when you like talk for a living and your whole thing is being quick and like having a thing to say. And I'm just locked in these conversations and I'm like, I got a good one, but I can't. My brain doesn't know it in Greek as much. But I want to get there. I'm with you too with like the whole ten year plan shit of like, well, my brother's having a kid soon and so part of me is like, damn, I gotta pretty much be the relative who speaks Greek. There's no one else who's gonna speak Greek to these kids.

[Unknown Caller]

It fucking evaporates. It's, I think about like my grandparents.

[Elvis]

Yeah, yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

A hundred years changes everything. Insane. Like if my grandmother met me, like, like, like, like it's crazy.

[Elvis]

Yes, yes.

[Unknown Caller]

And I'm like Mr. Chimney, like childless, throwing my jaw out from a chimney.

[Elvis]

Mishap because a chimney guy was bad at his job. It caused you physical pain? Manifested in physical pain. Yeah. Oh yeah. And how. Just truly horrible. Their lives were just my grandparents, the whole family lived on a one floor shitty house. And it was like, you know, you're just sharing a room with everyone. I mean, Elda's still. I guess that is how you grew up too, you refugee ass motherfucker.

[Unknown Caller]

Oh, yeah.

[Kate Berlant]

Grandma's in the living room on a mattress in the corner.

[Elvis]

But we still got. But you could be in a generation, you could have the whitest kids of all time if you. If you wanted to. Yeah, you're really close.

[Kate Berlant]

I'm assimilating hardcore, dude.

[Elvis]

You really are, dude. You're gonna move to fucking Ohio. I can feel it. My brother makes fun of him and he's gonna call it. He's gonna name his son Dylan. He's like. His name is Eldis Dylan. Nice job. Just eldest at the football game being like, good job, Dylan. I'm scared of losing the fucking. I'm scared of losing Greek shit. And it just happens. You just fucking. It just goes like that. It's so.

[Unknown Caller]

You got it down.

[Elvis]

I'm trying so hard.

[Unknown Caller]

I'm trying so hard.

[Elvis]

I think my grandparents would at least be like, that's a weird Greek guy. If they met me. Totally. But my brothers, they're a little more even just being two years younger than me because I was the oldest and my parents didn't speak any English when I was born or like never in the house. I lived in a house that was essentially a Greek. A Greek house and center. Exactly. Yeah. For real? For real. And my grandparents would send us tapes, so all the Disney movies I watched were like dubbed over Little Mermaid in Greek and shit.

[Unknown Caller]

Cute.

[Elvis]

But then I went to school. I guess they just had more. For whatever reason. By the time my brothers came around, it was like in two years, people are just speaking more English. But I don't know, I guess I'm against assimilation. You know, Tell Uncle Sam to suck your dick.

[Unknown Caller]

No, I know. My mom tells me that my grandmother was like. My grandmother basically never learned English and Was very, like. She was like, we're Spanish.

[Elvis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

And was like, these people, this country. And then I'm here. Like, it's a graduation song. I was trying. I started to sing the anthem and I did.

[Elvis]

Wait, where'd your mom grow up?

[Unknown Caller]

Mill Valley. Which now is like a very bougie, like.

[Elvis]

Oh, interesting.

[Unknown Caller]

Like when she. My mom's 80. Like, when she was there, it was a train town. It's like, oh, my God. And now it's like this, like, gorgeous. It's like a silicon. It's like a fucking tech adjacent. It's like an hour from San Francisco or something.

[Elvis]

Gotcha. Gotcha.

[Unknown Caller]

So it's like.

[Elvis]

Gotcha.

[Unknown Caller]

Damn Beautiful, though.

[Elvis]

They didn't hang on to any property. That would have been nice.

[Unknown Caller]

I don't want to get into it. No.

[Elvis]

Damn. But I'm sure you got some sculptures when they die.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, yeah, there's some stuff.

[Elvis]

Yeah, you got some stuff. You got like some. I don't know, the bar from Cocktail that she designed.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, yeah, there's some. Exactly. They got me my whole career.

[Elvis]

Did she work on anything cool?

[Unknown Caller]

She actually has one, I have to say, really cool cred. Why they call me a Nepo, baby? She made the Stonehenge prop. It's in this Spinal Tap.

[Elvis]

Whoa. That is cool.

[Unknown Caller]

No, it's cool. And she was like, insanely hot.

[Elvis]

Yeah, yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

So it's like.

[Elvis]

It's cool. Oh, that is awesome.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah.

[Elvis]

How many, like, how many fucking loser actors tried to your mom on set?

[Unknown Caller]

Well, Kevin Costner. I know.

[Elvis]

Wow.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah.

[Elvis]

Mr. Yellowstone himself.

[Unknown Caller]

I know.

[Elvis]

I just watched Robin on Robin. I just watched it. It was pretty good.

[Unknown Caller]

Oh, did she do that? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. She did then, like, just a lot of, like, advertisements. She like some Divo music video. She kind of was like, all over. And she was like a set painter, too.

[Elvis]

That's cool. Yeah, I know. It is cool when you like. I was never really trying to be an actor and I randomly got into doing some shit and you realize how cool the people that work on this shit are. Oh, yeah. They're like. It's fun to cause. Stand up and like, it's like just you by yourself and you're just you and fucking club owners and it just sucks dick. And then you shoot something and it's like, hey, hey, the props guy's fucking cool. You know what I mean? Like, we're just hanging out like, this is a real human being. I don't have to deal with actors if I don't want to if this person sucks. So, yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

Anyway, by the way, shout out to the crew.

[Elvis]

Kevin Costner. Nice try.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, I know.

[Elvis]

Didn't get the fuck. Kate's mom, Sam.

[Unknown Caller]

I know, I know.

[Elvis]

I wonder what period Costner this was. Was he. Did he really have his fastball still?

[Unknown Caller]

I think it was him. Like, really hot, young, like, kind of peaking.

[Elvis]

Wow.

[Unknown Caller]

Maybe a little.

[Elvis]

Your dad's just like, have fun at work, babe.

[Unknown Caller]

They weren't even together yet.

[Elvis]

Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, so she fucked Kevin Costner and lied to it, too.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, Paula, she was like, nothing ever happens. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He asked me out a couple times. Yeah.

[Elvis]

I wasn't with your father, but it didn't. If he asks, definitely don't bring it up. You're like, why have we never seen Dances with Wolves?

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah. Excluded from the archives.

[Elvis]

You're watching Bull Durham. Your dad's like, you just hear him fucking break a sculpture in the back. Tear it off. I have to go do dabs. I have to go do dabs to chill out. Oh, my God.

[Unknown Caller]

I got like a dab thing sent to me. I mean, I can't.

[Elvis]

Like, it'll fuck your brain up.

[Unknown Caller]

Well, it got sent to me and then I just gave it to, like, a much younger cousin. And then years later was like, I shouldn't have done that. That was crazy.

[Elvis]

I fucked up their development.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, I'm not going to use this thing. You can handle it. Yeah, yeah. You're a teenage boy.

[Elvis]

I don't know about you guys, but I like keeping my money where it is, in my freaking pocket. Unfortunately, the big wireless carriers, these greedy pricks, want your money, too. Good news, though, cuz after years of overpaying for wireless, I finally got fed up. Up from crazy high wireless bills, bogus fees, and free perks that actually cost more in the long run. And we switched to Mint Mobile over here at Stavi Baby Enterprises. That's right. We switched to Mint Mobile. It was a breeze switching over. It was so easy. Elvis did it. You know, he can barely produce a podcast, for Christ's sakes. Say goodbye to overpriced wireless plans. Jaw dropping monthly bills and unexpected over. Mint Mobile is here to rescue you with premium wireless plans starting at 15 bucks a month. You can't do better than that. Dish overpriced wireless and get three months of premium wireless service from Mint Mobile for 15 bucks a month. If you like your money, Mint Mobile is for you. Shop [e-mail] stavi that's mintmobile.com stavi upfront payment of $45 a month for 3 month 5 gigabyte plan required equivalent to $15 a month. New customer offer for first 3 months only. Then full price plan options available, taxes and fees. Extra cement mobile for details. Oh, I had to go on a little sobriety break, which is coming. We're close. We're like a month away from what?

[Unknown Caller]

All of it.

[Elvis]

I did a. Yeah. A year. I turned 35 February 11th, and I was. And I had a crazy year before and I was like, I need to.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Elvis]

I need to chill, baby.

[Unknown Caller]

Good to pull back.

[Elvis]

Good to pull back. But we're getting close and let's just say I'm not sticking with sobriety.

[Kate Berlant]

No lessons learned.

[Elvis]

Didn't learn anything.

[Unknown Caller]

What kind of. What kind of. You drink liquor? What's your cocktail?

[Elvis]

I'm not a huge drinker. I really. It's more social drinking for me. And it's more like nice ass day barbecue.

[Unknown Caller]

You're fine. I'm not. You don't have to take a year off.

[Elvis]

No, no. But it's weed and. Weed. Yeah, yeah, it's weed and it's. I was taking pills. Just whatever you got. I was taking. Those are awesome.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Elvis]

And that's probably bad. That's the. That's the worst one for you. I was just like, there's any kind of. Any kind of thing that people get addicted to. I was just slamming.

[Unknown Caller]

I have so much paranoia around specifically pill addiction that it's like, yeah, you.

[Elvis]

Won'T do any of them. I'll do like a painkiller.

[Unknown Caller]

Truly I have. But also, like I climb up into my bag right now in case. Like it's a very. Like I have a pharmacy on me at all times and I've never. I'm not kidding. I put in there from. This is no exaggeration. It's easily seven years old.

[Elvis]

Oh, wow.

[Unknown Caller]

But it still works because I have it every now and then. If I do, you know, you're going to fucking Australia, London, you gotta sleep. Snap one in half. I've never taken a full. I wouldn't dare.

[Elvis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

But I take my half Clonapin. I'm like, oh, no, I hope I don't get addicted. Like, I just really. But I just. Yeah, it's just like a thing in my head with pills. I'm scared.

[Elvis]

I mean, you're fully right.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Elvis]

It's 100% like a generation ago, like. Like people just constantly. Who had backaches just got addicted to heroin essentially. Just pill Heroin. You're completely right about that one.

[Unknown Caller]

Even something like this, like the jaw thing, I'm like, oh, I could see just something that just melts away the pain.

[Elvis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wouldn't be bad.

[Unknown Caller]

It's a slippery slip.

[Elvis]

Have a little fucking wine.

[Unknown Caller]

Have a little wine. I had some sake last night.

[Elvis]

There we go.

[Unknown Caller]

Didn't help.

[Elvis]

Now we're talking. Yeah, no, you're not gonna medicate with that. But yeah. I don't know. I was just kind of getting.

[Unknown Caller]

Getting addicted to sake would be really funny.

[Elvis]

That would be really funny. Just the weird, weirdest person.

[Unknown Caller]

That's it.

[Elvis]

Just some fucking, like, guy who likes anime too much. He's doing it just to like, be like, I'm so Japanese. I'm even addicted to Japanese.

[Unknown Caller]

Bottles of sake. Everywhere is the apartment. Yeah.

[Elvis]

It's how expensive do heroin. It would be cheaper than fucking importing sake all the time. Do you have any? Have you ever had, like. Felt like a vice. Have you ever had. What's the closest thing?

[Unknown Caller]

It's so boring. But, like, my phone. Like, that's the thing I abuse.

[Elvis]

You got to get a brick.

[Unknown Caller]

Like, I have a brick.

[Elvis]

Do you like it?

[Unknown Caller]

So.

[Elvis]

God.

[Unknown Caller]

Oh, my God. So Changed my life for a week. And then I was like, you better know about that. Yeah, like, truly, like, got the brick. I was like. Like, I felt like I was seeing colors for the first time. And I was like, I'm so present. And then I just. Of course, right back in. That's like. I mean, I'm tied off, like, with my phone. I mean, I know that we all are and who wants to hear about it? But, like, yeah, that's the most destructive thing in my life is my phone.

[Elvis]

Oh, without question. We're so fucked. That's one thing that I'm like, I have to tackle this as well at some point. I have started. I used to put it in a different room when I went to bed. But I'm back. I guess that's probably what I've done. I've just replaced drugs with my phone.

[Unknown Caller]

No, it's an amazing little ejection machine. It's like, so powerful.

[Elvis]

They gotta stop putting, like, ladies working out with huge tips.

[Unknown Caller]

I know with AI.

[Elvis]

They gotta get that outta here. I'm gonna not. I'm gonna. I'm not gonna be able to help myself.

[Unknown Caller]

Endlessly scroll on that.

[Elvis]

Yeah, yeah, we should do that. We should fucking go to Washington. A march on Washington. Make shit a little. Make the ladies on there less hot. Make the guys getting hit in the Nuts less funny. You should make it shittier. That's how we do. Apparently they're gonna sell TikTok, or I guess we should keep that topical.

[Unknown Caller]

January 20th, what is it, 19th?

[Elvis]

Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

That's the big day.

[Elvis]

It's probably today.

[Unknown Caller]

They're not gonna.

[Elvis]

They've sold TikTok.

[Unknown Caller]

Did it happen?

[Elvis]

Yeah. TikTok has either been sold or it hasn't.

[Unknown Caller]

There's no way.

[Elvis]

Yeah, they're not. There's no way someone's gonna buy. They're not gonna shut down. Tick tock.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, yeah.

[Elvis]

And then this comes out the day they shut it down. But I mean, Instagram. Instagram reels. Our boy Zuckerberg, our sexy mark.

[Unknown Caller]

I know you've seen him talk about this. No. He got a new face.

[Elvis]

Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah. He got filler. I go, well, correct. If you're that rich.

[Elvis]

Of course he's got.

[Unknown Caller]

He's got weird, but his whole face is different now.

[Elvis]

He's got, like, chains. He's definitely gotten something. He started doing jiu Jitsu, which I guess if you would be rich. I just don't understand why he's still doing a job. I guess those guys just like the.

[Unknown Caller]

You, like, take calls, right?

[Elvis]

So many people have to listen to you. Yeah, I guess those guys don't. You never get that rich by being good at chilling. Like, in my head, I'm like, cash out, vacation.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah. It's so crazy. They don't cash out.

[Elvis]

That's insane. That's why I say the only one I respect is MySpace, Tom. Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

Cause he got out.

[Elvis]

He got out. Sold to Rupert Murdoch, by the way. He lost a bunch of money, sold MySpace for $500 million. Fucking nothing cost Rupert Murdoch money. And now he's like a fucking photographer and he's just going to cool places, taking pictures.

[Unknown Caller]

How old was he then? Like, how old is he? Was he like 19? Like one, like. What was that? He must have been really young.

[Elvis]

Pretty young. Yeah. And then he sold it and now he's out there. I think he's got a sexy wife.

[Unknown Caller]

I should fucking hope so.

[Elvis]

Yeah. Shout out to MySpace. Tom. Tom, come on, the podcast man. We'd love to have you, brother.

[Unknown Caller]

We love very Zen life.

[Elvis]

Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah.

[Elvis]

Well, what's the. What's the place? You. Okay, you cash out? What are you doing? What's the setup? Where are you moving?

[Unknown Caller]

Oh. Oh, my God. I want a home. Okay, well, obviously, get a great. Get an amazing New York City apartment.

[Elvis]

Of course.

[Unknown Caller]

I want a great apartment in Mexico City.

[Elvis]

Okay. Okay.

[Unknown Caller]

I want apartment in London. Obviously. And then I want, like, a fun, like, beach spot.

[Elvis]

Of course.

[Unknown Caller]

Okay. Maybe somewhere in the Yucatan.

[Elvis]

All right.

[Unknown Caller]

And then I guess maybe like a mountain house, Colorado or something.

[Elvis]

And how much time are you spending in each place?

[Unknown Caller]

Every other Christmas in Colorado.

[Elvis]

Sure, sure, sure.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah.

[Elvis]

So we're not renting it. We're buying a place. But you've got.

[Unknown Caller]

And then for friends, relatives. Hey, that's a cool moment. That's the way to be rich.

[Elvis]

If you're rich as hell and you let your boys use the fucking. Of course, use the chalet.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Elvis]

Yep. Eldis, anytime you want to go to the shitty house in Greek town that my brother's about to move out of, you can. You can stay there whenever you want, man.

[Kate Berlant]

Yeah, I'll go. I'll go crash.

[Unknown Caller]

Definitely. The Mediterranean.

[Elvis]

Of course.

[Unknown Caller]

Italy. I want to be on the coast.

[Elvis]

Okay. Now I have to. I hate to do this to you. One place you got to stick. What's the one place out of all those? It is la.

[Unknown Caller]

You mean like. Like if I only could live in.

[Elvis]

One place, only could live in one spot.

[Unknown Caller]

La. I'm just very, like, home.

[Elvis]

Wow.

[Unknown Caller]

I mean. What you mean like truly one place forever? I guess. Maybe New York. But I'd have to be an orphan. My parents would have to no longer be living, which will never happen, of course. So in a crazy universe, you said.

[Elvis]

Your mom was 80?

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah. So it looks like I'll be living here forever.

[Elvis]

See, that's the. That's where growing up in a loving family, that's the flip side. Oh.

[Unknown Caller]

I remember talking about some therapy years ago. I go, maybe I should start separating now. I go, maybe I should start. Be like, I don't know about you, actually.

[Elvis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

Try to love someone less.

[Elvis]

Oh, no, that's over. No, I mean, I've. I mean, well, my mom. Oh, that's going to be brutal. My dad. I will be pretty sad. You know, I'll keep it at that. That's going to be a tough one.

[Unknown Caller]

You hate to see it happen. It fucking sucks. Moms, they have to figure out a pill so that moms don't die. I mean, it is like, it's.

[Elvis]

It's fucked up. That's when you need pills.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah.

[Elvis]

Keep those colonies.

[Unknown Caller]

For sure.

[Elvis]

Keep those colonies around pills. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Damn. Yeah. So anyway, everybody. Everybody at home thinking about your parents dying. It's okay.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Elvis]

It'll happen sometimes. Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

Just keep going. Keep.

[Elvis]

Keep it moving. But yeah. And then everyone has a shitty family. Look at that. Kids, you're gonna be a lot less sad than Kate is when your parents die for sure. You're kind of paying for it. Yeah. It's kind of all the love in accumulates into sadness, interest when tragedy happens. So silver lining to all our fucked up.

[Unknown Caller]

If there really is a silver lining for y'all.

[Elvis]

Silver lining. Silver lining. If your dad tried to pay his rent in Camel cash. Silver lining. When he dies, you probably will be like, oh, dang. And then move on and just be kind of sad when you have Chipotle that day.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah.

[Elvis]

Just be like, the stake isn't hitting. My dad died. That'll be the biggest thing. Yeah, that's what. So, yeah, I just. I guess I work. How about. Have you had. Okay. I guess we don't have to talk about death, but I guess asking somebody what the first funeral they went to is not a fun question. But here we are.

[Unknown Caller]

First funeral.

[Elvis]

The first funeral. What did we go to? I think mine was just some Greek guy I did not care about at all. All. And then I was kind of like, this is kind of fun.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, yeah, totally.

[Elvis]

I was little as.

[Unknown Caller]

I think my first year was open casket, actually.

[Elvis]

That's tough. That's tough.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah. No one I was close to.

[Elvis]

No one.

[Unknown Caller]

You were. No. No one I was particularly close to.

[Elvis]

Well, that's like o. Yeah, that's so that's even. That's kind of weirder. That's like a kid going to the science.

[Unknown Caller]

It is like a. I feel like I have six memories and that's one of them.

[Elvis]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

Kind of being like, oh, why are.

[Elvis]

They all weird looking like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Damn.

[Unknown Caller]

I did not approach the casket.

[Elvis]

How do you want to go? What do you want to do?

[Unknown Caller]

Hit from a coconut on me on vacation? Coconut hits me on the head, knocks me out.

[Elvis]

And then. Do you want to be one of those tree pod people?

[Unknown Caller]

Oh, yeah. It's putting the earth in the tree.

[Elvis]

Seems kind of fun.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah. Being incinerated.

[Elvis]

I don't want that. I'm too beautiful.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah. Think a tree.

[Elvis]

Plus, if you incinerate me, that's like. You know when you try and grill pork belly and there's flare ups.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, yeah.

[Elvis]

It'll be a little. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't to getting smoky in there.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah.

[Elvis]

That has to happen, right? Fat guys get incinerated. It gets smokier.

[Unknown Caller]

And they do.

[Elvis]

They cut your fat out.

[Unknown Caller]

They might have to reposition you a few times. Yeah.

[Elvis]

They flip you over to get an even sear.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kate Berlant]

You start A grease fire at the burning place.

[Elvis]

That's hilarious. Yeah, that is. So do they chop you up when they incinerate at you?

[Unknown Caller]

You know what's crazy?

[Elvis]

No, they don't.

[Unknown Caller]

No.

[Elvis]

They just put you in just one big ass.

[Unknown Caller]

They don't chop.

[Elvis]

I guess that's chopping.

[Unknown Caller]

That's so funny. They mutilate you. They chop you up. They chop you on up like a butcher.

[Elvis]

They're like, look, this is. We don't got a big oven.

[Unknown Caller]

I think it's that they put you in and it's all about getting the hearth, the abdomen. It's not called the hearth, but that's the hearth.

[Elvis]

The hearth is an oven, I believe.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah. Yeah, they put you in the hearth.

[Elvis]

Interesting.

[Unknown Caller]

And then. Yeah, I think it's all about. You just kind of go up in flames. For my first.

[Elvis]

You know a lot about this. I didn't realize.

[Unknown Caller]

Feet under a lot.

[Elvis]

Oh, right. That's true. I guess that's true. They put those guys in.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, they're heavily.

[Elvis]

That's Hollywood. You never know.

[Unknown Caller]

You never know.

[Elvis]

I'm thinking of a guy with a chainsaw.

[Unknown Caller]

Chop me up first.

[Elvis]

Putting a leg up.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, you could.

[Elvis]

You should be asked to be chopped up. That could be fun.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, if you want to be chopped.

[Elvis]

I want to be chopped up. I want to know that somebody had to fucking cut through the gristle with a chainsaw. Could be fun. Maybe not for them, but for me. I'm watching from heaven for their life.

[Unknown Caller]

And. Yeah, they. You know, it's really. It's like. It's like you're buried or you're burned alive. Oh, no, you're not alive.

[Elvis]

Yeah. Yeah, but it's kind of like there's no middle ground. Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

Buried or burned, I guess. Right. What else?

[Elvis]

And if you burn them. It was cast. It was cool. When they put you out in the sea and they hit you with an arrow.

[Unknown Caller]

That's cool.

[Elvis]

That's cool. But in a big. Oh, like what? Like your fucking trash.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah. Well, exactly.

[Elvis]

No, thanks. Yeah, I guess I gotta go in the. I gotta be a tree guy. I want to be a tree, and I want to be a fun tree. Are pineapples trees? Yeah, I'm a big pineapple fan.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, they're. They're. Wait. Yeah. In the ground. How are those?

[Elvis]

They must be, right? Yeah. Or do they just come out like potatoes? Elders do little farms.

[Unknown Caller]

Where do they come from?

[Elvis]

Thing.

[Unknown Caller]

It's got to be a tree. It's got to be a vine, a plant.

[Kate Berlant]

Not a tree, but a Flowering plant in the.

[Unknown Caller]

Everyone relax. I hear tree, I hear flowering plant. Yeah.

[Elvis]

Okay, so I guess I have to go somewhere tropical. Destination. Funeral. Why don't they do those?

[Unknown Caller]

God, that's good.

[Elvis]

That could be fun. Yeah, if you're rich as hell. Pay for everybody to have a vacation.

[Unknown Caller]

Put you in a. People don't know how to use their money.

[Elvis]

They put you in a fucking coconut or a fucking pineapple flower. Yeah, just a big ass.

[Unknown Caller]

That would be a real gift to give the living.

[Elvis]

And then I want you. But then you have to eat my pineapples afterwards. Yeah, that's the trade off. I want you to.

[Unknown Caller]

You have to ingest the day to feast on me.

[Elvis]

To enjoy me one last time. By eating like pineapples from your dead uncle. That would be fucking. I wonder how I'd feel if I would eat fruit from my. Let's say my uncle Dimitri died. Would I eat his fruit that came from him? Nah, you wouldn't. Elden.

[Kate Berlant]

I don't know. I don't want to eat fruit from like one of my relatives. Maybe my mom or dad, but not someone uncles.

[Unknown Caller]

I don't know.

[Elvis]

Your Albanian uncle. You don't want to eat his fucking figs.

[Unknown Caller]

They're gonna do something with mushrooms, right? And like burials, I guess that mushrooms are like the.

[Elvis]

Oh, yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

The new. You know everything. The new economy across every area of life.

[Elvis]

You're a psychedelics guy. You do mushrooms?

[Unknown Caller]

Do you have to ask? Yeah. No, I mean, yeah, not like a ton.

[Elvis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that'd be fun. Make mushrooms out of you and then your friends have trip on you.

[Unknown Caller]

That would be hell, by the way.

[Elvis]

Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

Imagine the grief process with that.

[Elvis]

That's kind of fun, actually.

[Unknown Caller]

Maybe that's good.

[Elvis]

Yeah, they're like, imagine if you could come back as a ghost, but only like that. And you could with your friends. If you ate my mushrooms eldest, I would 100% with you.

[Kate Berlant]

You wouldn't with me.

[Elvis]

Yes.

[Kate Berlant]

My mind is too strong.

[Elvis]

No, no, you're not putting up your weight. I'm playing with this shit.

[Kate Berlant]

Up in the terrestrial realm or from beyond.

[Elvis]

Nah, dude. You're fucking eating my death mushrooms. You're eating my death pineapple. And you're gonna love it. Yeah, I'll get back in there. I feel like my brain is feeble right now.

[Unknown Caller]

Like you're open to it.

[Elvis]

I just feel like I would get fucked up by like. The last time I did mushrooms, I had a horrible time. Cause I was like, oh, I had.

[Unknown Caller]

A bad time too.

[Elvis]

My life actually. I'M fucking sad.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah.

[Elvis]

They really tell you my last.

[Unknown Caller]

Cause I did like a big thing in the mout mountains, whatever a few months ago.

[Elvis]

When you're like planning it and it.

[Unknown Caller]

Doesn'T go well when I tell you. I was literally seeing like texts. It was my phone.

[Elvis]

Oh, no.

[Unknown Caller]

It was like. So what I saw was, it was a dragon breathing fire for hours. And I felt like the weight of like the world's grief. I was just sobbing for hours.

[Elvis]

Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

At the very least you got to get crying. No, it was good. It was a good. And then just like my phone, I was seeing texts from people that I had forgotten to respond to. I saw. No, no, I'm not kidding. A text from this. This woman I kind of know being like, hey, would you want to drop in and do a set? I was like, I never got back. It was all like these small social like missteps and it was just texts. It was just texts.

[Elvis]

That's nuts. Yeah, you gotta get off your phone.

[Unknown Caller]

Well, by the way. Well, I came back, as you can imagine, and I was like, brick me. Brick me about the brick.

[Elvis]

Yeah, yeah, I was doing.

[Unknown Caller]

Cause I used to go like a month off, not look at all.

[Elvis]

Sure.

[Unknown Caller]

But then you're back, you relapsed.

[Elvis]

Wow. Seeing your phone during a mushroom trip in the mountains too. It wasn't like a impromptu take some mushrooms at home. It was like I drove throughout the cottage.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah. I was spending the night. I was. I mean, I did a full ceremony and I was just like my phone. I didn't.

[Elvis]

I left her on red. I left a mid level booker on red.

[Unknown Caller]

I mean. Yeah. And they made me just weeping like my life has to change.

[Elvis]

Well, that's beautiful. I think we have. I think we. We've gotten an idea of the kind of people we're dealing with here. Between Kate and myself, folks, we're ready to really guide. The way those mushrooms guided you towards the brick momentarily. I think we're ready to guide.

[Unknown Caller]

And I'm putting on my jacket.

[Elvis]

Yeah, you're getting serious cold yet?

[Unknown Caller]

Sweating. Yeah.

[Elvis]

Oh, interesting. I'm fucking. I'm fucking and burning up over here. I hope I had. I hope I'm okay. I had a lot of coffees.

[Unknown Caller]

Oh, yeah, I know. I've missed Celsius.

[Elvis]

Oh, Celsius is. That's tough. Go ahead, a little lD. Play us something.

[Unknown Caller]

Hey, stuff. Hey, Eldis. We don't see the thing, so I've kind of.

[Elvis]

What are you doing? The are you doing? Sorry. We were on a real operation here. That's what you get. Do you want any Albanians, Kate? We like to cover that with our guests. Elvis is Albanian.

[Unknown Caller]

Nope. No.

[Elvis]

Lucky you. Come on. What the fuck are you doing? You're just typing the word display. What did you even do, dumbass? Dude, you're fucking embarrassing me. How fucking dare you? I bring you to fucking sunny Los Angeles, I take you from your family after I promised you a week off, and I was like, actually, dude, we have to go to LA last minute and this is how you fucking repay me? Oh, you got it, buddy. Okay, but you got to put it up front and you gotta get whatever the. The stage manager is out of there. All right? Great. We did it. Oh, you know what I know you guys like doing? I know you like keeping it twisted. That's right. I know we got a bunch of fun hunters in our audience, okay? Type of people that like a refreshing beverage to hit their lips. Brewed with real fresh iced tea.

[Unknown Caller]

Still.

[Elvis]

Still 5. 5% alcohol by volume. Something to get you feeling right. Something that's refreshing. Something that tastes freaking good and it'll let you keep it twisted. I'm talking, of course, of our good pals twisted tea. You know, I. I took. I was very in very poor health last year and I've done better. And part of that was just to test my willpower. I abstained from even a friendly little alcoholic beverage from here from time to time. I got less than a week left on that. And can I tell you what I'm cracking? February 11th last year is when I started being sober. February 12th of this year, when I have completed one full year, I'm cracking myself a twisted tea. And I suggest you do the same. Folks, we love twisted tea. We love keeping it twisted here at Stavi's World. If you want us to keep it, to keep keeping it twisted, go do us a favor, buy some twisted tea, okay? Go. Just. Just get some twisted tea. Grab a refreshing twisted tea today and keep it twisted.

[Unknown Caller]

Hey, Elvis. So I have kind of a two part question. My ex boyfriend and I, we remained friends after we broke up.

[Elvis]

Interesting.

[Unknown Caller]

And after we broke up, I downloaded, you know, all the regular dating apps and I would get the what's it called? Like a super like sent to me each time on every single app by one of my ex boyfriend best friends.

[Elvis]

And so I guess, damn super like across platforms. Not even one. Not even though, like, look, I'll match her if she matches me.

[Unknown Caller]

Great.

[Elvis]

But the super like on Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, he's probably paying for those too. I don't think those are free. Interesting. Well, okay. That's. What a scumbag. Keep going, Eldis.

[Unknown Caller]

The question is two part. Because I want to know, should I view that as kind of, like, shitty behavior? This best friend, he knew him since, like, third grade, and we're in our late 20s.

This is crazy.

[Elvis]

Should I view it as shitty behavior? That's part one. Part two is he's gotten me pregnant, and I want to trick the other guy into thinking it's his kid. Okay, what else? This is awesome.

[Unknown Caller]

And we're in our late 20s, so should I view that as shitty behavior? Because I do. And then the second part of the question is, should I tell my ex. Boyfriend friend that his friend has essentially tried to date me for, like, three years? Like, as soon as we broke up.

[Elvis]

Let's not get crazy.

[Unknown Caller]

Like, I don't know. I haven't told him because I feel like that would ruin his friendship with one of his oldest friends, you know? But, man, so, God damn, is that shitty. Send a fucking super, like, to the ex girlfriend of one of your best friends, sweetie, and, like, repeatedly try to date her.

[Elvis]

Saying it out loud is so funny.

[Unknown Caller]

I don't know. The Internet is fucking weird.

[Elvis]

So the Internet's weird.

[Unknown Caller]

All right, let me know.

[Elvis]

I mean, this is nuts.

[Unknown Caller]

You do know. You keep saying, I don't know. This is a neighbor issue here, doll. You do know.

[Elvis]

Yeah, yeah, that is true. Like, I mean, they've stayed friends. Now the question, the fact that. Is this shit ridiculous? Of course it's shitty. But do you tell. Is a little more interesting. Cause, I mean, my.

[Unknown Caller]

If this is me, you don't tell, you just leave it alone.

[Elvis]

Yeah, well, they stayed friends, though. She said now. What level? Now did you actually stay friends? Or is this like a amicable break?

[Unknown Caller]

Right. They forgot about that detail.

[Elvis]

Yeah. If you're broken up. Broken up and you have no contact, you don't fucking. You don't reopen. You don't text your friend, like, hey, by the way, your friend tried to fuck. Or your ex, hey, by the way, your friend tried to fuck me? Because that can seem same. Kind of like, gloating, kind of shitty behavior.

[Unknown Caller]

Stayed friends.

[Elvis]

I guess the answer lies in how true of a friendship they have. You know what I mean? Like, if. But how true could they have?

[Unknown Caller]

If they're like, you're friendly with your ex, there's no bad blood. I think you maybe still leave it alone. If you're really close.

[Elvis]

Yeah. Or even if. If you see him and it comes up but now more information. Would I like to. I mean, yeah, I mean, call her. The more information. The information we need is about her and her ex. My hunch is probably when she says they stayed friends, it's just they don't hate each other. Yeah, people like, confuse being, like, just being adults and not.

[Unknown Caller]

Right, right, right.

[Elvis]

With each other trying to ruin each other's lives with being friends. Cause it's like if what you mean by be friends is if you see him on the street, you'll be like, hey, what's up? And you'll like, chat for two minutes, right? That's not enough to tell him, no, that's not friendship. Even if you have any kind of relationship and you act now, this is where we have to trust you. And that's hard because she started this call with is this shitty behavior? So her judgments aren't the clearest. But if you think you have an actual friendship with this guy, I think you could tell him. Would I like to know this?

[Unknown Caller]

Right, Right. Right.

[Elvis]

Now let's flip it there. Would I like to know this? This. How long were they together? Did she say Eldis? She didn't.

[Kate Berlant]

Not really, but.

[Elvis]

And it's been years. This guy's been trying to her for years.

[Unknown Caller]

Wait, so he's continuing to do this for years?

[Elvis]

Yeah, every time, Every time she comes up on his, like, dating profile, he super likes her. The super like is a nuts maneuver.

[Unknown Caller]

I've. Wait, so I've like never been on those apps, so I don't even know what's the super.

[Elvis]

So it's like, because. Yeah, so there's the regular swipe, which the way these things work, women will never see. Right? Cause it's like every guy's like, odd, fuck her. You know what I mean? So they had to institute a. She at least has to look at your face to reject you. That's what the super like is. So you can send like, if you.

[Kate Berlant]

Both like each other, it'll show up in your inbox. But the super like makes it so that she doesn't have to like you back. And they'll show up in. In her inbox.

[Elvis]

She'll at least front of the line, hey, decide whether you like this guy or not.

[Unknown Caller]

Well, I'm gonna go somewhere that there might be something subtextual here. I wonder if she's interested. Oh, because I go, you. Is this shitty behavior? Is this shitty behavior? I think she's questioning her motives maybe.

[Elvis]

Interesting, right?

[Unknown Caller]

Because is this wrong? Is this wrong?

[Elvis]

Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

Cuz like, why would he's Wanting someone to say, there's only so many people out there. He likes you. What are you gonna do? I think there's a little something going on here.

[Elvis]

It is interesting, because I did sort of think that other shoe was gonna drop at some point in this call. But it's also like, if that isn't the case, why do you still care? Cause since you say he's been doing this for years.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah.

[Elvis]

It's like, at this point, who gives a fuck? Why are you even paying attention to that?

[Unknown Caller]

I'm like, where are these people living? I'm like, are you all in different cities?

[Elvis]

They're probably in a small, smaller town, right? What's the area code? Scroll up. I don't know what that is, but whatever. Who gives a fuck?

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, we won't.

[Elvis]

We won't dox them, but let's see. Yeah, yeah. Some. Some shitty. It looks like, kind of, yeah, this place. The dating pool's shallower, but yeah, I.

[Unknown Caller]

Mean, as you said, what kind of friendship are we talking about?

[Elvis]

If you have an actual friendship, maybe. But even these guys.

[Unknown Caller]

These are not friends. These two guys are not close friends, right?

[Elvis]

Well, they are, unfortunately. But that's the level of friendship we're dealing here. That's the thing. Like, that's the thing is, like, this is not. This isn't a good guy. I can't imagine. Like, look, if a friend's ex. To, like, swipe right on her and be like, if she likes me back.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Elvis]

It's like. It's like, I'm not making any decisions. This is just a fact finding. Swipe.

[Unknown Caller]

Right, Right.

[Elvis]

You know what I mean?

[Unknown Caller]

Totally.

[Elvis]

I am not necessarily gonna try and fuck her now. If she wants to fuck me, then I have to do my due diligence and really run the number. But the super like is like, fuck my friend. And to do it over and over again, aggressive. So he's definitely a scumbag. That's true. And then the answer's like, how much do you really want to get in there? Who fucking cares? It's your ex. You're in your. She said she's in her late 20s, so you broke up in your mid-20s.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah.

[Elvis]

Fuck, just move on with your life.

[Unknown Caller]

I think so, too.

[Elvis]

And even maybe block this guy or even be like, match with him and be like, if you keep doing this, I'm telling Dan.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, exactly.

[Elvis]

And that's it. That's the solution.

[Unknown Caller]

Tell him. You're telling. Tell Dan.

[Elvis]

Yeah. He's like, oh, so you're messaging Back. He's still trying to fuck her. It's like the guy playing the violin is the Titanic.

[Kate Berlant]

Let me try to talk you out of it. Go to dinner with me one night.

[Elvis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a real serious issue. She might even fall for that. Honestly. Unfortunately. Cause she doesn't even know if this is shitty or not. I don't know. Is betray. Trying to betray your friend. Friend pathetically trying and failing.

[Unknown Caller]

Got to keep doing it.

[Elvis]

Is really bold and also like so weird and sad.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah.

[Elvis]

Like I bet you if she tried, she hit him up. He wouldn't even really know what to do.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, yeah, totally. He's a coward.

[Elvis]

Fuck this guy. I actually hate him. He can't be fucking a friend's act. Trying to fuck a friend's X. Go ahead, Eldis.

[Unknown Caller]

Hey stuff. Hey eldest. Hey guest. I'm calling because I need a little bit of advice on a situation. First thing, I'm married and I have a 14 month old son. Do not worry, I do not want to cheat. I'm incredibly happy. I work in niche sort of high end retail sales, customer facing. And I have a client that is a child agent. An agent for babies and children in film and media.

[Elvis]

We're talking about.

[Unknown Caller]

And like not to brag but I have an exceptionally cute son.

[Elvis]

Wow.

[Unknown Caller]

Protect him with everything he does.

Happen to be a very good client and spends a fair amount of money with us. She saw a picture of my son on my phone and has since been.

[Elvis]

Kind of hounding me about this already. Oh, a baby talent agent desperately wants access to your child.

[Unknown Caller]

A baby talent agent is the most bottom by the way. And she's rich.

[Elvis]

She's rich.

[Unknown Caller]

She's like, yeah.

[Elvis]

A person's like looks at the baby's like ugly.

[Unknown Caller]

Imagine you see, oh, it's your kid. Can I see her baby again? Like, like imagine that moment.

[Elvis]

You have any other pictures?

[Unknown Caller]

How long, how many inches?

[Elvis]

Like what percentile of weight? Insanity. You're right. This is like such a crazy person to be. Keep going.

[Unknown Caller]

Elvis been kind of hounding me to get the kid involved in some of these photo shoots. And from the little she's told me there is potentially a fair amount of money to be gained which be great for like his college fund and things.

It's always about the college fund with these people. Yeah, he's going to be molested beyond comprehension. But we got the college fund. It's always the college fund. Come on.

[Elvis]

He's going to, he's not going to college.

[Unknown Caller]

College is going to be done in like Two more years.

[Elvis]

Yeah, yeah. College isn't even serious, dude. You're so right.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah.

Or just generally his life later on when he would have access to it. No, but I kind of find it morally reprehensible to do that. Like, I'd be fine if he was, like, older and maybe, like, could say, like, I like this or I don't or, like, even talk, but, like, ran out in, like, 14 months. He's still learning, like, how to walk and stuff like that.

You want to be a crafty when you're 14 level.

[Elvis]

Where are the unquestables? He's just a tyrant. I want swing cheese throws. Fucking hot juice in a fucking lady's face.

[Unknown Caller]

This client's relatively nice, but, like, they've started kind of like they've crossed the border into sort of hounding me about it.

[Elvis]

Very dreadful.

[Unknown Caller]

And I do not know how to tell them, no, I'm not gonna happen.

[Elvis]

Yeah, dude, be a man. He's like. So what I'm thinking to do is kind of slash my son's face, ruin his beauty so that I can keep selling leather.

[Unknown Caller]

Strange woman, dumb bitch who fucking.

[Elvis]

Who books Gerber commercials. What the fuck? This lady buys a lot of jackets when with us. So I'm thinking about now. Should I be a man and tell.

[Unknown Caller]

Her, no, get away from my baby?

[Elvis]

Or should I put my adorable baby in one of the. In the most fraught line of work a child possibly could get into. This is awesome. I mean, we got it all.

[Kate Berlant]

Couple more seconds.

[Elvis]

Okay.

[Unknown Caller]

Potentially messing up the money in the situation. Like I said, this person comes in a lot and spends a good amount of money.

They're not going to stop.

Laura.

[Elvis]

Yeah, man.

[Unknown Caller]

I hope you can give me some advice. Love the pod.

Bye.

She's not going to stop coming to you and buying jackets.

[Elvis]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

And you can say to her, so flattered by your interests. I'm going to tell you exact. Write this down.

[Elvis]

Yeah, yeah, we're.

[Unknown Caller]

I'm so. Listen. So flooded by your interest. My wife and I have discussed this and it's just not something we're comfortable with. Yeah, hello.

[Elvis]

Yep. Done and done.

[Unknown Caller]

You must have left a door open a crack if she's going. Come on, come on.

[Elvis]

Yeah, yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

Oh, 11K's on the line. I mean, what is this?

[Elvis]

I know.

[Unknown Caller]

What is it?

[Elvis]

What is a fucking Pampers commercial?

[Unknown Caller]

Really Pay pin it on your fucking wife.

[Elvis]

Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

Say, I'm curious, but we've talked about it. She just isn't comfortable.

[Elvis]

Me, I'd fucking throw him to the wall. I'd let him. I'd let fucking Harvey Weinstein babysit him if it was up to me. I'd say, let's get him tutored by Dan Schneider if it was up to me. But, lady, sorry, you know, you say.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, you just go over and over again. We're so flattered in the. Aye, the kid's gorgeous.

[Elvis]

Yeah. Can't do it.

[Unknown Caller]

Do not do it.

[Elvis]

Don't do it now. So here's the one way I could see it. Let's say this woman. Him saying, no, this woman.

[Unknown Caller]

Pisses her off.

[Elvis]

Pisses her off. She's like, what does that mean?

[Unknown Caller]

You think I.

[Elvis]

What I do is unsavory? You think I'm Ghislaine Maxwell for babies? I'm not. You know, Like, I could see that happening, but at the same time, it's like, well, this is what having principles is. It's like, let's think the worst happens is this lady buying fucking whatever bullshit luxury item perfume from you. More important in the, like, 11K your son makes at a Gerber's commercial also, is that. Would you pay that to have him get molested?

[Unknown Caller]

Exactly.

[Elvis]

Even in those simple terms.

[Unknown Caller]

Exactly. Yeah. Like try childhood vs 11k. Also, if this woman is running a legitimate business, ostensibly, she's offering you cash, right? So if you, hey, you want this job, you say, no, she should back off, right?

[Elvis]

I'm gonna say the biggest red flag here is that she won't fucking push it. If she was like, look, hey, we do this, I'd love to. Love to have your kid. I think he'd be perfect at it. And she just kind of brings it up every once in a while. But if she's getting pushy, I would just be like, no, we're good, thank you.

[Unknown Caller]

We're not interested.

[Elvis]

Interested in it.

[Unknown Caller]

No.

[Elvis]

Very.

[Unknown Caller]

Now she takes away her business. She takes away her business.

[Elvis]

To play devil's advocate here, I think 11k's 11k.

[Unknown Caller]

11K. 11k.

[Elvis]

It's like if this is if. If he honest. And this is not a. I don't think this. Right, But I think it's incredibly fucked up to have kids. Like we were saying, actors, whatever, if they're cognizant at all. But if he's some fucking little blob, he's a worm that's gonna fucking eat. Eat baby food. And you get $20,000 for it, and he'll have no memory, maybe. And you're there and your wife's there and. You know what I mean?

[Unknown Caller]

Totally. Totally. Maybe.

[Elvis]

But the second, he said 14 months. This motherfucker's already probably said his first word.

[Unknown Caller]

I'm sorry. I'm overriding it. You can't even do that. Because these kids, they're sponges. They're sponges in the womb, prenatal. They're in there going, my father's yelling at my mother. I mean, actually, they feel it. They're there. They're surrounded by strangers. There's hot lights on them.

[Elvis]

You're right.

[Unknown Caller]

People are bullshitting them. They can feel it.

[Elvis]

You're so. You know what? You're right.

[Unknown Caller]

They go, where's my mom? Where am I?

[Elvis]

My friend told me he was talking about how his daughter started talking, and when she started talking, she started telling him stuff. She started telling him memories she had from two months ago when she couldn't talk. And they were like. And they were watching, like, get in touch with her.

[Unknown Caller]

She's a genius.

[Elvis]

Some movie they're watching, some, like, movie. And she was like, oh, yeah, I remember that. And it's like, you're right. These fucking babies know shit. You know what I mean?

[Unknown Caller]

They absorb everything.

[Elvis]

Devil's Advocate has been completely rebuffed. Stop being a fucking coward. Because some pushy type. I mean, imagine what a dumb bitch this lady is, though. A baby agent. Can you imagine the push?

[Unknown Caller]

Salivating over a baby.

[Elvis]

Like, imagine how, like, no won't take no for an answer. This woman is.

[Unknown Caller]

9.4 out of 10 babies are acceptable for commercials.

[Elvis]

It's totally true.

[Unknown Caller]

This is not a real. You're not. I got an eye for babies. It's like, no. Like, they're anywhere. They're everywhere. What is this?

[Elvis]

That's not even a skill at all. It's like, most babies are cute.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah. Like, the babies. Like, I need a baby tomorrow. It's like, yeah, just get a baby then. Literally anywhere they're going to work.

[Elvis]

Oh, that's so true. All right, man. So stop being a. And just.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, yeah. Protect your child.

[Elvis]

Protect your baby at all costs. I mean, my scarf business is going to take a hit.

[Unknown Caller]

Hermes is not gonna like this.

[Elvis]

Hey, stopi all this or. Eldest and honored guest, always listening. Love the show.

[Unknown Caller]

Just rented. Let's start a cult on my roommate's ex girlfriend's Amazon prime account.

[Elvis]

Very nice. So that's a plus.

[Unknown Caller]

Get me on a free episode maybe.

Who knows?

[Elvis]

It doesn't matter.

[Unknown Caller]

Giving you a ring.

[Elvis]

My girlfriend of, like a year or so really like her a lot.

[Unknown Caller]

She kind of makes me feel bad for doing things that I like, like golfing or Skiing. Or, like, if I talk about how I'm, like, trying to get back into shape and, like, running and jogging, she gets, like, very sad, as if I'm, like, attacking her for not doing anything.

[Elvis]

And I don't care that she doesn't do anything.

[Unknown Caller]

I just. I care that she doesn't do anything.

She didn't make me feel guilty for doing things, if that makes sense. I like her a lot.

[Elvis]

Cool girl.

[Unknown Caller]

That's about it.

End it.

[Elvis]

Kick it in the car.

[Unknown Caller]

This up real quick for you. This ain't good. I wanna go on a run. I'm sad. I mean, what? No. Yeah, you can be empathetic and go, okay, this is triggering something in her. Let's talk about I love you. Why are you getting sad when I talk about wanting to do anything?

[Elvis]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

I don't care that you don't. What does this mean, you don't care she doesn't do anything?

[Elvis]

Yeah, I mean, I guess she's a couch potato.

[Unknown Caller]

Is this about fitness? Is this about just life? Is this about what? What is this?

[Elvis]

Could be fitness.

[Unknown Caller]

No running. What is it? Golfing?

[Kate Berlant]

It sounds like fitness.

[Elvis]

It sounds like maybe he doesn't get that it's about fitness because everything he's described is even, like, golfing and skiing. Everything is physical activity. So it could be some kind of, like, you know, body dysmorphia.

[Unknown Caller]

This is bringing up stuff with her that's all unwell. We all have things.

[Elvis]

Rhonda's got things.

[Unknown Caller]

We all have shit. So you guys just say to her, I'm noticing this behavior. They're not talking. He doesn't say that. They've talked about it, right?

[Elvis]

No. Well, he sounds pretty young. He didn't say his age, right, Eldis?

[Kate Berlant]

Yeah, he's talking about his reality. His roommate's ex girlfriend.

[Elvis]

And he's on his roommate's ex girlfriend's prime account.

[Unknown Caller]

Okay.

[Elvis]

Sounds like a young girl, early development.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, I think just. You just say, hey, I'm noticing this behavior. I really. I like you. I love you. Hello?

[Elvis]

Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

You like her.

[Elvis]

Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

Get out. But. But. But if. You know, I love you, I care about you, I'm noticing this. I want to talk about it. If she can talk about it, that's a whole different story. If she can't talk about it and she's still. Then. Then you have a deeper issue.

[Elvis]

Absolutely. And, yeah, you might. Right. She might not be ready to talk about it. You don't know, but you won't know until you actually try. And that's most of this show is like telling our listeners to have the one conversation they. They should.

[Unknown Caller]

Nothing can be off limits if you're in a relationship we're talking about. Anything is off limits. You're fucked.

[Elvis]

That's exactly. You gotta be able to fucking talk about it. And also by the way, maybe she thinks you're judging her or that's what you've picked up on.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah.

[Elvis]

Have you ever said, have you even said, I don't care if you don't do shit. This isn't the bad. I just like doing this. And then maybe organically it'll get into her.

[Unknown Caller]

Whatever her hang ups are, she'll feel better after talking about it probably.

[Elvis]

So you gotta try, you gotta try and have the convo. And yes, look, at the end of the day, if there's no resolution or she's weird about it or.

[Unknown Caller]

And if it's a year in and you like her, get out. What do you say? It's been a year.

[Elvis]

Year said about a year, right?

[Kate Berlant]

Yeah.

[Elvis]

And you know, year when you're this young, who knows?

[Unknown Caller]

Okay, yeah, good point. I'm getting hard.

[Elvis]

You've seen her 11 times. You know, some. Sometimes these relationship. But you know, maybe not, who knows? But yeah, dude, you just gotta, you gotta have that convo.

[Unknown Caller]

You gotta protect yourself.

[Elvis]

I would have my antennas up about like you gotta go into it. But Kate might not be that wrong about Sometimes people just aren't compatible and you learn that. You know? You know what I mean? But yeah, good luck, little buddy. Get out there, fucking do a little golfing. Nothing wrong with that. Trying to think if I ever had anybody try and keep me down in a relationship. I don't think so.

[Unknown Caller]

You can't be adjusting your behavior. I know what I mean. You can't be not doing what you want to do.

[Elvis]

I also will only be with somebody that really treats me too nicely. You know what I mean? That's a good way to be. I just like to be like a little sultan. That's the problem. That's what my mom did to me by being I was her little fat prince I had. At the end of the day, it's nice being treated like that. It feels good. But you know, we all have our. We all have our.

[Unknown Caller]

I don't get off on being treated poorly.

[Elvis]

No, I don't get that at all.

[Unknown Caller]

I go, oh, you are.

[Elvis]

No, that.

[Unknown Caller]

Okay, that's. Let's get out of here then.

[Elvis]

No, stop being mean to me.

[Unknown Caller]

No.

[Elvis]

Be overly nice to me. Yeah, I don't get it all. When People even, like on a BDSM level when it's like, all right, I guess I can let her fucking whip me, but she's going to suck me off afterwards, right?

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, yeah.

[Elvis]

And they're like, no, it's just about the whipping.

[Unknown Caller]

I'm like, what?

[Elvis]

It's not just a chore you have to do to get the fuck. A hot girl that wears leather. Don't get that at all. Don't understand it.

[Stavros Halkias]

How did Ella bake her way to the top? It all started with one smart decision. She test drove a certified used truck from her local Ford dealer. It was installed expected, backed by a Ford warranty and fitter budget. A Carfax report was the cherry on top. Soon, a pinch of confidence became a truckload of ambition. Cupcakes became customers. Customers became regulars.

[Elvis]

Hola.

[Stavros Halkias]

Turns out Ella's next great investment was herself. Ford Blue Advantage used car buying that's built for you. See dealer for full program and limited warranty details. How do you make an Airbnb? A vrbo. Picture a vacation rental. Now imagine that every time you stay there, you earn rewards toward your next trip. Congrats. Now you're in a vrbo. Make it a verbo. One key. Cash is not redeemable for cash and can only be used on Expedia, Hotels.com and Vrbo.

[Elvis]

What else we got? Elvis.

[Unknown Caller]

Hey, I was just calling because basically. Oh, I need your advice. I've been living a lie. Oh, three years, going on to four.

[Elvis]

Jesus Christ.

[Unknown Caller]

Basically, I've been telling my family that I have very good job. Like an office job.

Oh, no, corporate.

[Elvis]

Are they in the room right now?

[Unknown Caller]

In reality, I work retail at a. At a Home Depot.

[Elvis]

Okay.

[Unknown Caller]

Nothing to be ashamed.

I did at one point work job. But me being young and dumb, I. And working at home, I really slacked off and. And just didn't do. So I got fired. I was confronted by my boss at that time where I straight up lie to her and be like, oh, my Internet was banned and whatnot. They showed me video proof of my screen being recorded of me answering calls and immediately hanging up on people.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

[Elvis]

That's awesome.

[Unknown Caller]

Wait, what? His voice is so. It's so soft and quiet. I like, wait, what's happening? Screen recording. Wait, what?

[Elvis]

So he was lying. He was like, my Internet's down. But he didn't realize his company software tracked him. And so they would show him videos of him answering calls and immediately hanging up on people. I guess he was working like customer service. This happened to me. I Got fired from a paralegal place. And they would track, like, how often you, like, did. You had to check off your steps, they called it. And they pulled up the fucking stats. When they were firing me, it was so funny. They were like, someone in your division usually averages about 2,000 steps a month. It looks like you've done about 92 this month. And they would be like, we tried to track your activity, but your computer wasn't on long enough for us. They actually said that to me. They had, like. My boss would walk by and I would hit the mouse, and it was just the login screen, like, I had not touched. I was playing. This was back in the. I was really into Clash of Clans, the iPhone game at the time. This is probably 2000. 2010. No, 2012. Maybe 11. Yeah.

[Kate Berlant]

Like, right after college.

[Elvis]

Right after college, yep. And. And yeah, I was just fully on my phone. I was on Facebook. Messages me.

[Unknown Caller]

So I was working for a woman that. And it's like, I would have to talk to her accountant. And I was like, oh. Cause, I mean, I can't. She made me do files, like, file. I'm like, I. And I was on the computer all the time on Twitter. This was heyday. Twitter, I'll never forget. Rob Delaney retweeted me.

[Elvis]

I go, oh, that must have felt incredible. Rob Delaney, Twitter 1.0 with RT.

[Unknown Caller]

You must have, while you were flying. Rob Delaney, RT. And so I go, I'm not talking to your accountant today, honey. I go, we've got. I've got. You got bigger.

[Elvis]

I'm racking up this year.

[Unknown Caller]

The money's coming.

[Elvis]

The money's coming in. And back then, a viral Tree was like 300 retweets. It was like there were like 4,000 people on Twitter. But Delaney was the king. Delaney was the pure king. Wow. Were you, like, an assistant?

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah.

[Elvis]

I mean, there's no way you were good at that job, right?

[Unknown Caller]

She once. She kind of slapped me as a joke once.

[Elvis]

Okay, we're kind of getting back to that casting couch situation.

[Unknown Caller]

But she was just like, you're. Because I just. I just, like, really, like, earnestly. I couldn't do it, of course. I just like admin. Like, I. No, no, I mean stuff with, like, the account. I mean, just. Oh, my God, the taxes. Like, I don't understand. Yeah.

[Elvis]

You don't strike me as somebody can't.

[Unknown Caller]

Be the one organized. What the fuck is the QuickBooks?

[Elvis]

Oh, dude. Oh, my God. I still don't get how to use QuickBooks.

[Unknown Caller]

I can't do that.

[Elvis]

Absolutely not. Yeah. That's so funny. And you just applied on Craigslist, or was this a friend?

[Unknown Caller]

This was a woman friend of a friend.

[Elvis]

Yeah, yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

No, she was lovely. And she'd be like, you know, my God, I can't. I'm getting flashbacks of this.

[Elvis]

Anyway, so.

[Unknown Caller]

Okay, so. So he's.

[Elvis]

We know what it's like being horrible employees, basically. But yes, so he. So he. So again, his. He was lying to his family when confronted with not working. He's lying to his boss. We're sensing a pattern here. Let's keep going. Elvis.

[Unknown Caller]

Going instead of assisting them with what? Whatever. But, yeah, I was just going to see. What do you think I should do? Like, should I just keep on living the lie, sweetie? Or should I be upfront with my family and just tell them? The reason why I don't feel like it's necessary to tell them is because, I mean, first of all, I live with my mom, okay? And my brother. I pay for the bills, basically everything. Like, I can still afford everything with my retail job, and I'm pretty comfortable. It just kind of weighs on me sometimes thinking about all that. But, yeah, let me know. What do you think I should do?

I mean, like. I mean, this is fucking awesome, by the way. Just keep lying. Next. Yeah, you've got it.

[Elvis]

This kid is fucking awesome.

[Unknown Caller]

Did he say he lives with his wife and his child?

[Elvis]

No, his mom. He lives with his mom and his brother. He's young as shit.

[Unknown Caller]

I have reading comprehension issues.

[Elvis]

I.

[Unknown Caller]

Wife and child.

[Elvis]

So.

[Unknown Caller]

Okay, clean. Unburden yourself.

[Elvis]

And he's lying for no reason. That's the craziest part about this fucking call is like, no one fucking cares. He's just like. He is so worried about. Here's how scared of confrontation this guy is. The theoretical argument he'll have with his mom when he tells her he doesn't have an office job anymore, even though he has for three years paid the bills. The whole thing is like, you freely are. Look, you're a fucking coward. You're spineless. And that's okay. We've all been. We, you know, we're. I'm a reformed coward. I try and be better every day. I used to hide when your shit was bad, but this is a big moment for you, buddy.

[Unknown Caller]

Three. Let's all take a minute with this. Three years. Maybe four. I heard.

[Elvis]

Going on four. Going on four. You're right. Pandemic.

[Unknown Caller]

It's okay.

[Elvis]

He clearly got fired in the middle of the pandemic.

[Unknown Caller]

And he's been. This is not Good for your health. I'm actually worried about you. This is not good.

[Elvis]

And you can't be lying anytime something bad happens, bro. You can't be like, this is huge for you. You have to start living reality, right? You're living in a fucking fantasy world. You have to, you know, maybe be less of a lazy piece of shit. That's one thing. That's okay. That's part of growing up. We all have done shit like that. But you're confronted, you lie to your boss, you're pre lying. Like, there's no reason to keep this charade up. It's not like your mom's like, my dream has been for my son to have a shitty customer service. Corporate job didn't sound like a good job.

[Unknown Caller]

And they're tracking you mother, and you're paying the bills. Like, what? Unburden yourself. This is, I mean, this is high, high risk.

[Kate Berlant]

I feel like I have a theory. I feel like this guy is probably like a foreigner if I had to.

[Elvis]

Definitely. Definitely.

[Kate Berlant]

I don't know, I'm guessing Asian, but okay. I mean, my, my dad also did this for.

[Elvis]

Your dad literally used to pretend he had a job he. He didn't have and he would go sit in the minivan and drink coffee.

[Unknown Caller]

This is clearly. Yeah, this is fear. This is self worth stuff.

[Elvis]

It is immigrant. It does feel immigrant. Y.

[Unknown Caller]

It does feel tragic.

[Kate Berlant]

Would like really, you know, really press like, oh, you got to get a good office job. And you know, they wouldn't like you like doing Home Depot or something. So.

[Elvis]

But, but, and you're not, I'm not saying you're wrong at all, but for this guy's life, he needs to start understanding he's in control of his own life and that other people, what other people want from him doesn't matter. And that he has. There's probably some comfort in living the lie. You never have to advocate for yourself. You never have to argue about anything. You're just going with the flow. But you have to start taking charge of your life. And listen, what that means is when you fuck up, like get fired, you have to fucking own up to it. You know what I mean? You have to tell your mom, but you're still doing everything you need to do. And here's the other thing. I'll say, you gotta aim higher, brother. You're saying, hey, I mean, look, what do I gotta tell her for? I'm living the dream. I'm living with my mom and brother as an adult and I'm paying the bills. I'm Pretty comfortable. This is how you want to live forever.

[Unknown Caller]

Comfortable.

[Elvis]

You don't want your own place.

[Unknown Caller]

You don't want to fucking.

[Elvis]

What if you fucking find a girlfriend? I know I'm going to guess that's not a big problem right now, but at some point it should be three.

[Unknown Caller]

More years of this.

[Elvis]

Dude, what the fuck are you doing? And me and Elders both came from this kind of background, so I fully told my parents, parents, I'm doing whatever the I want. That was a big problem for me. Getting over the guilt was very hard. That was the reason I started going to therapy was immigrant guilt. So I know it's hard, but you're going to be a loser forever if you don't just.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, this is a major moment.

[Elvis]

This is a big moment and you got to say and get. And. And you know, and just start telling the truth in the rest of your life and stop hiding. When something bad happens, you are safe.

[Unknown Caller]

It's not. Your mother's not going to take away her love. No, I'd be angry. Whatever. You will get through it. You have to. It's actually non negotiable. You just have to do it.

[Elvis]

Yeah, you have to do it.

[Unknown Caller]

Circle a day on the calendar. Go. Oh, there it is.

[Elvis]

It's coming.

[Unknown Caller]

I got to talk to you.

[Elvis]

I got to talk to you about something.

[Unknown Caller]

Are you free tonight? I'll be home from work.

[Elvis]

Yeah. Yeah. Hey, mom, are you free? Can we meet in our shared living room?

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, exactly. Family meeting.

[Elvis]

The logistics of telling her about it. It's going to be pretty easy seeing as how you live. You share a wall with her, probably.

[Unknown Caller]

You're going to feel so much better. Maybe not immediately, but you will feel much better.

[Elvis]

And you gotta stop. You gotta stop hiding from bad shit.

[Kate Berlant]

Dude, this guy's like changing it to his Home Depot shirt in the car.

[Elvis]

In the parking lot before he goes in. Yeah, he's got a shitty fucking H and M blazer that he fucking takes, puts on, all right, mom, going to work. Then he puts on a fucking orange. He puts a smock on afterwards. All right, dude. You know we feel for you though.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, Sending me love.

[Elvis]

The expectations of your family can be crushing. But you really sound like a fucking. I mean, dude, you can't be behaving like this.

[Unknown Caller]

No, no, no. Not good.

[Elvis]

Not good at all. Hey, Sabi. So hopefully this gets asked with maybe a guest that has like some kids.

[Unknown Caller]

Or a family or something.

Whatever. Oh, Jesus.

[Elvis]

Nope.

[Unknown Caller]

Just asking for a chimney over here.

[Elvis]

Yeah. Is it a soot question? Have you Been wronged by a small business. Go ahead. Eldest maybe. I guess that has like some kids or a family or something. Whatever. So. Just asking for advice. I got a six month old baby now and I'm just. I just want to know if I'm. I'm ruining the kid because like, you know they say like Beethoven in and Mozart and all that mumbo jumbos, right? Like, you know, when I've been in the car with him and driving and doing tasks around the house and background noise. It's been a lot of, been a lot of work with your podcast. Okay. Some Rogan CEO, you know, Tim Dillon, A little bit of sports talk radio. Radio. And then the music. Some Zeppelin. Standard 90s, just alternative rock, brunch 90s hip hop, early 2000s. I don't know. You got range, man.

[Unknown Caller]

I've got this crazy vinyl collection and the kids just absorbing it all.

Yeah, maybe I should.

[Elvis]

Should I put on some, some Beethoven or.

[Unknown Caller]

Some Beethoven.

[Elvis]

His little brain or just maybe, just maybe I'm just raising a fucking badass.

[Unknown Caller]

I know.

[Elvis]

Let me know what you think. You're raising a fucking badass, dude.

[Unknown Caller]

First of all I'm hearing is that you're around your child.

[Elvis]

Yeah, that's good.

[Unknown Caller]

That's all that matters.

[Elvis]

That's a huge.

[Unknown Caller]

All I'm hearing is I'm in the car with him. I'm doing chores around the house with him. Yeah, it doesn't fucking matter. The ambient noises in the background, by the way, I would argue it's actually probably very good for developmental, early developmental stuff to hear talking, conversation, hearing about.

[Elvis]

How aliens made the pyramids.

[Unknown Caller]

It does not not matter.

[Elvis]

This kid's gonna know what the fuck is going on with the Younger Dries theory. So. Yeah, that's a great point. You're spending time with him and here's the other thing.

[Unknown Caller]

You're good.

[Elvis]

Here's the other thing. I'll tell you, your kid's not going to be into the shit you're into. That's just not how it works.

[Unknown Caller]

Totally.

[Elvis]

So it's like, who knows, maybe developmentally fucking. But even that you haven't really done any research on that. That's, that's the thing. We've all heard that you're supposed to put a baby in the womb listening.

[Unknown Caller]

To most of the time. That's like a weird, like the 80s. I'm like, I just don't think babies can read dot com or whatever that thing is. It's like, no. And also like, don't be so invested in your child. Being a genius. Or else you're gonna fuck them like it's. You're hanging. You're parenting your child. That's actually the only thing they actually need.

[Elvis]

Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

So you're fine.

[Elvis]

And you're his dad. He's gonna fucking listen to some of the shit you listen to and, you know, whatever. And believe me, he will pick one movie and that he will want to watch Cars. Every moment of the day like this. Listening to your music, enjoy it is gonna end in like. My friend has a kid and this motherfucker doesn't. He tried to put. The first time I saw him be disappointed in his father is his dad was trying to watch a Packers game, and he goes, finding Nemo. And his dad's like, not happening, kid. The first time he realized there's a hierarchy. But this little motherfucker has come into my home room full of adults, just fucking puts on Finding Nemo. That's what's gonna happen to you, man. So, yeah, he's.

[Unknown Caller]

Enjoy the Zeppelin.

[Elvis]

Enjoy. Yeah, he's fucking. He's rocking out. He's listening to Tim. You're gonna be good, man. That's very fucking cute, though. That's cute, though, to have that question, even.

[Unknown Caller]

That is sweet. No, I like you.

[Elvis]

And it's even funny to be like, but is he gonna be fucking awesome? It's like, no, not from that. I mean, maybe for other reasons. Cause you're a good dad who's around. And I was thinking about starting him on, like, maybe light, like, on menthols. Not having to do full cigarettes. But he can't be a fucking lightweight. What do you got for us, fellas? You got a couple nice ones to go out on here? Yeah, we've already, you know, we've taken a lot of Kate's time up, but you're.

[Unknown Caller]

I'm having fun.

[Elvis]

You're crushing the. You're crushing this advice here.

[Kate Berlant]

We got a nice one, then a nice little update to wrap it up.

[Elvis]

Perfect. Perfect, perfect.

[Unknown Caller]

Hi, Stavros calling as a representative of the engineer community of your fan base, maybe a minority of your demographic. This is just to piggyback off of a caller previously mentioning how his girlfriend forbid pornography. And it's something that we have an agreement upon in my marriage. Now, I'm trying to understand, am I being a, like, lame wife by thinking it's cheating if you watch pornography?

Cheating?

[Elvis]

Yes.

[Unknown Caller]

Yes.

[Elvis]

Yes, you are.

[Unknown Caller]

You've got bigger problems than you can see.

[Elvis]

Am I being a lame wife? Yes. No, it's cheating. I'm sorry.

[Unknown Caller]

That's cheating. No, textbook cheating.

[Elvis]

Watching porn is cheating. Come on. What are we talking about here?

[Unknown Caller]

Guys?

[Elvis]

This is insane. Let's, let's, let's hear out. But this is crazy.

[Unknown Caller]

Like lame wife by thinking it's cheating if you watch pornography.

[Elvis]

Yes.

[Unknown Caller]

I try not to be like a prudish, traditional lame wife. Like you know, with fervor. Give sloppy tappy on a daily baby.

[Elvis]

All right, now the plot thickens, by the way.

[Unknown Caller]

Actually I'm almost like jealous of her. Like there she's so horny. Or like you're like. That's my. Like. Like your husband watching porn is making you be like that horn. Oh my God. Like you're that on top of it.

[Elvis]

You're right. And sloppy Toppy on a daily basis.

[Unknown Caller]

Jesus Christ.

[Elvis]

Now it's getting interesting. Cuz I think. Are you weird? Yeah. Yes. Do you have a hell of a bargaining chip if you want to make your husband change any of his behavior?

[Unknown Caller]

You're that obsessed with your husband also?

[Elvis]

Yes. Like, look, if so. Anyway, let's finish this up. But this is interesting.

[Unknown Caller]

I try to keep myself looking good for my husband. So I just am trying to understand if you could explain to me from your perspective, like why did men go to pornography and why is it not considered cheating? You know, because I just think that looking at naked people and like going to strip clubs is cheating. I always think it's cringey. Like if I watch the Sopranos and Tony Sopranos, that's.

Don't bring Tony into it.

[Elvis]

I also love watching the Sopranos and being like the most morally reprehensible thing they're doing is.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, I know.

[Elvis]

So bad.

[Unknown Caller]

Irredeemable evil human beings chopping people's heads off on the regular.

[Elvis]

But she's appealing to us. She's trying to put it in terms we understand. Let's figure this all out. Ellis, let's keep going here.

[Unknown Caller]

And he's like looking at young naked girls. It just, it doesn't make sense to me. I always. I'm pro sexual worker 100%. But it's like a single man's game, in my opinion.

I don't know, but it's like a.

Being long winded game. Looking for your, you know, explanation here. Certainly not asking you to defend this, but just trying to be a cool wife and maybe learning something from this. So thank you.

Love you.

So love you. Bye.

[Elvis]

I.

[Unknown Caller]

You gotta stop trying to be a cool wife, doll.

[Elvis]

Yeah. Just be yourself. That's number one.

[Unknown Caller]

Be your sloppy self.

[Elvis]

You're giving top. Listen here's the thing. The point I was trying to make earlier is, like, your rule, honey.

[Unknown Caller]

Ye. Yeah. Yeah.

[Elvis]

Is this ridiculous? Yes. If you're blowing your husband every day, you can ask, like, five ridiculous favors. You could be like, I don't like it when you eat green skittles. And you'd be like, great, I'll never have a green skittle again in my life.

[Unknown Caller]

You know what I mean?

[Elvis]

Like, you do have a hell of a bar. Like I said, it's a hell of a bargaining chip. But why don't I consider porn cheating? Is like. I don't even. It's hard for me to. Like, how is it cheating? He has no relationship with these people.

[Unknown Caller]

He's jacking.

[Elvis]

Can he jack off? Is he allowed to jack off? Is thinking about another lady's tits cheating to you? Like, that's what we're talking about.

[Unknown Caller]

This is pointing to a very delicate ego. Girl, you got. You got to. This is very.

[Elvis]

You may be right.

[Unknown Caller]

You cannot. What? This is your husband. In what world is him looking at porn a violation of your marriage or. Or his feelings for you? This is. And also you. You. I mean. I mean, exactly. The thought police. I mean, we're good, right? I mean, it's like. It's something you're just going to have to get over. Right? Or if he's. I mean, what's his reaction?

[Elvis]

So this is hard to. This is such a fundamental question where she's like, why isn't porn cheating?

[Unknown Caller]

And I'm trying because it's not.

[Elvis]

Yeah, I'm trying.

[Unknown Caller]

It's actually quite simple.

[Elvis]

I was trying so hard to get over.

[Unknown Caller]

Once you start trying to regulate the fantasy life of someone. Someone else, you're fucking done. You cannot do that. It's actually an abomination. I actually think. I think it's actually violence, sweetie, what you're doing. And I'm actually not even really kidding. You cannot regulate other people's imaginations and sexualities. And you're allowed to go, I wish that you didn't need them or whatever about pornography, but it has nothing to do with you.

[Elvis]

Yeah, I guess we have to draw a line somewhere. Somewhere. And it's like, imagination.

[Unknown Caller]

Wait till he starts cheating on you.

[Elvis]

Yeah, exactly. Imagination and fantasy. You gotta be allowed to do that.

[Unknown Caller]

You've gotta be allowed. This is the most basic human. This is the most. Is he gonna wake up and go, sweetie, sweetie, I had a dream I got a blowjob from the woman from Jamba Juice or whatever, Like. And then you're gonna be Like. Like, this is very. What's going on here. There's gotta be something historical here that's. That's pulling on this. So we're not hearing about.

[Elvis]

Right. It's like, look, he's just. It's a beating off aid. It's. You know what I mean? Like, it's not. If you let this guy beat off, which is crazy to think that you.

[Unknown Caller]

Would allow someone to beat the shower on Easter is the only time. Yeah.

[Elvis]

He has to bleach the tub down right afterwards. Yeah. It's like. I guess I'm just real. Yeah. It's just a fucking. It's not real. He's not trying to fuck those people. He's just trying to get a nut off.

[Unknown Caller]

It's not real. It's a fantasy. It's a cave painting. It's a drawing and a fucking book from. It's the. You just get. It's. It's not about you.

[Elvis]

Yeah. And even. And then. Then if the reason you're blowing him every day is because you're trying to compete with.

[Unknown Caller]

Well, that's what I'm worried about.

[Elvis]

If you want to do it, great. But if you're like. If you're like, well, if I. If I hold up my end of the bargain, which sounds a little repressive.

[Unknown Caller]

I start going, what's. What's so good about this guy?

[Elvis]

I know. What is. What is the setup here? And also, is this an issue, like how. If you're sucking his dick every day, how much pornography is this guy watching?

[Unknown Caller]

I know what's going on.

[Elvis]

How old is he? Is he good for. You know, is he a multiple nuts a day guy? I mean, I don't know, by the.

[Unknown Caller]

Way, how long I'm really stuck on BJ every day. Really having trouble with this. And then also BJ every day because you want to be a cool wife. Cool wife's come up a few times. I want to be a lame wife. I don't want to be a prude. I'm on all fours every day. Like, what's going on?

[Elvis]

Yes, I'm trading. It's like, you don't have to. Like, you just have to behave the way you want. It is. You're right. The cool wife thing is a little like, are you doing all these things because you feel it's good, or are you doing them because you feel you have to? Oh, honey, I'm a little scared of that.

[Unknown Caller]

I'm really worried.

[Elvis]

And here's the thing. Like, with the porn stuff, it's like, do you not want to blow him. But you're like, but if I don't, he'll start watching.

[Unknown Caller]

Exactly. No, this is, this is getting, this is getting trapped.

[Elvis]

There's a little, I'm just a little. I just want you to interrogate what your feelings are and what you think the role of a wife is. And if you're truly happy to do them. Look, you might, you might. Look, you might search your feelings and you might think this is everything I want to do. But it's feeling a little like, especially the porno thing, it's feeling a little old fashioned. And even though like I try to keep myself looking good, I try and give him a head every day for him.

[Unknown Caller]

For him.

[Elvis]

Yeah, it's like what about your ass?

[Unknown Caller]

Tight. For you, for you.

[Elvis]

And then he gets to also you. That's a, that's nice.

[Unknown Caller]

Also buckle up. If you're actually, you're married, you're. He's going to by the way, just straight down the road. I guarantee you he's going to be in love. He's going to have a fantasies about a real person. Sure. He's going to want it. So you're going. I'm scared he's going to want to someone else. Guarantee you he will. That's fine. That's natural. You're going to want to someone else.

[Elvis]

Yeah, yeah. Why not actually as long as he doesn't do it.

[Unknown Caller]

But it's like if you're policing and getting really upset about pornography, what's going to happen? You're in the real world.

[Elvis]

Yeah, yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

So then you're going to completely collapse when the actual, I mean like you, if you can't be in a marriage, if you can't acknowledge that there's like you're both going to have desires from other people.

[Elvis]

Totally.

[Unknown Caller]

And pornography is ultimate, is, is arguably a safe place for a fucking escape valve to do that. Yeah, you should be fucking praying he's watching porn.

[Elvis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You should be praying he's like typing a Indian girl that works at your job on X videos, you know, instead of texting her. You know what I mean? Like that's a great point. It's like I think you're being a little unrealistic about what humans are like and how they just will have some desires and that like, and it's okay. Porn is kind of a safe way to like not do it. And you don't have to feel repressed either. I just do. Some alarm bells are ringing about like, are you truly happy?

[Unknown Caller]

Like maybe the cool life Thing's gotta go. The cool life.

[Elvis]

Unless he's really going above and beyond for you as well. Maybe. But even that is like, yeah, just do stuff. You actually behave the way you actually want. It does sound like you have this idea of what an ideal wife is that's a little. A little restricting, mamacita. But yeah, you know, keep at it. I hate to be given advice that might lead to a guy getting blown less. That does that philosophically is very difficult for me. But I will even tell you to interrogate that aspect of.

[Unknown Caller]

But you can't be withholding BJ's because he's watching porn.

[Elvis]

If you saw.

[Unknown Caller]

If you're.

[Elvis]

You can't be checking his fucking search history. Like, use your 11 year old son.

[Unknown Caller]

Like.

[Elvis]

And even him. You should let.

[Unknown Caller]

If you're. If you're feeling concerned about the content of the porn.

[Elvis]

Sure.

[Unknown Caller]

Like, right. And you want to be like, hey, what's this about for you? I'm trying to understand this part of you, but guess what? Your fucking partner is entitled to have whatever that. What? This is crazy.

[Kate Berlant]

Also, he probably is watching porn, you know, when he needs to beat off when you're at the store or something. He's probably beating his dick.

[Unknown Caller]

He's watching more porn than you could imagine, sweetie. Is what I'm hearing. This guy. Something wild's going on in this home where she's. Yeah.

[Elvis]

Yeah, she. Like, I try and be a cool wife. I. You know, I'm. I'm on my collar whenever he asks me to.

[Unknown Caller]

Exactly. Exactly.

[Elvis]

I never drink from. I only drink from. From my bowl.

[Unknown Caller]

Exactly.

[Elvis]

But anyway, hope. Hope that kind of got. Hope you see our side of it. I suppose. But very interesting. I would.

[Unknown Caller]

I will.

[Kate Berlant]

I will say for this girl, like some couples do just like lean into the roles like this too. So maybe it is just like.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah.

[Elvis]

And also we again are not. Are two of the weirdest people in the world. This is most of the world. Like they're a little less intense than her. But this is how most people behave probably. You know, like, yes.

[Unknown Caller]

That sounds like. Wow. Being the cool wife.

[Elvis]

Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

Whoa.

[Elvis]

Yeah. Wild, right? Thinking about that.

[Unknown Caller]

Thinking about how that there is something I actually want to watch a porn about a girl who's like. Like the idea of getting like possessive. I'm like, maybe she's like, are you really sexually obsessed with your husband? Like, that's awesome.

[Elvis]

That's cool.

[Unknown Caller]

If you're so fucking obsessed with him that you're like, you better not check it for anyone but me. Like, like, I'm like, whoa, okay. You're.

[Elvis]

That is almost like. Then we're getting into.

[Unknown Caller]

Are you actually territory?

[Elvis]

Because anybody who's that possessive, it's probably like they're scared on some level of them cheating. And then it's like. But that's actually their greatest turn on in a weird.

[Unknown Caller]

Yes.

[Elvis]

In a way that. Like how Republican senators are closeted.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah.

[Elvis]

This woman might be a closeted cuck because she's like, you can't even jack off without me. You know, maybe we're just. We're just dreaming up. You called me to ask if porn is cheating. And we're trying to use your life story. We're using your life story kind of the way SVU does. Ripped from the headlines. We're ripping your life from the story and making porn.

[Kate Berlant]

You're reverse engineering like a porn scenario out of it.

[Elvis]

But yeah, I would. But I know you're saying all this. You're right. This is how.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah.

[Kate Berlant]

It's like some couples probably are just like that. And it's like, you know, if you are getting sucked off every single day, you probably don't even feel a need to like, look at porn.

[Elvis]

So I kind of. Well, that's what I'm saying.

[Kate Berlant]

Self regulating system that might just be like natural in a way.

[Elvis]

That's. It's a beautiful engine. Yeah.

[Kate Berlant]

It's not too much. It's not like about people's like.

[Elvis]

It's a terrarium that you can put a cork into and it'll just work perfectly.

[Kate Berlant]

Yeah.

[Elvis]

Yeah.

[Kate Berlant]

I don't know.

[Unknown Caller]

Perhaps fascinating.

[Elvis]

But even that. It's a lot of upkeep. You know what I mean? You. You miss one now we're backed up.

[Kate Berlant]

Yeah.

[Elvis]

It's a lot. It's a lot to deal with, man.

[Unknown Caller]

I want to see pictures of these people, like really bad.

[Elvis]

Yeah. So I would be interested to talk to her about it. Who knows? Some. Maybe someday we can get her on a live call. Zep. But that's our take.

[Kate Berlant]

Suck your husband off, sister.

[Unknown Caller]

I hope I'm not being too angry.

[Elvis]

I don't think so.

[Unknown Caller]

At her. Sweetie, I'm not mad at you. I'm just worried about you.

[Elvis]

I think we're her friend and she's looking for our perspective and we gave that to her. But hey, yeah, maybe it's working for you. I just. Who cares? Let the guy beat off to some porno.

[Unknown Caller]

Who gives a.

[Elvis]

Who cares?

[Kate Berlant]

Let him beat off and suck him off. Then you're like really awesome wife.

[Elvis]

Yeah. Then you're cool. Let him One of your friends.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah.

[Elvis]

If we're talking about being cool wife.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Elvis]

I got a couple ideas of what.

[Unknown Caller]

I'm the coolest wife of all.

[Elvis]

But where does it end? Is a good question. The pursuit of cool. Being a cool wife. Yeah. You want. Okay, this is crazy that we're talking about this, this deeply. You don't want him to love the cool wife. You want him to love whoever you happen to be. Not the ideal of the cool wife. Because if you're just pretending to be doing. Which you might not be, you might be liking all this stuff. But, yeah, don't get crazy with it. That's a great philosophical question.

[Stavros Halkias]

How did Ella bake her way to the top? It all started with one smart decision. She test drove a certified used truck from her local Ford dealer. It was inspected, backed by a Ford warranty, and fit her budget. A Carfax report was the cherry on top. Soon, a pinch of confidence became a truckload of ambition. Cupcakes became customers, Customers became regulars.

[Elvis]

Hola.

[Stavros Halkias]

Turns out Ella's next group, great investment was herself. Ford Blue Advantage used car buying that's built for you. See dealer for full program and limited warranty details. How do you make an Airbnb a vrbo? Picture a vacation rental. Now imagine that every time you stay there, you earn rewards towards your next trip. Congrats. Now you're in a vrbo. Make it a vrbo. Onekeycash is not redeemable for cash and can only be used on Expedia, Hotels.com and Vrbo.

[Elvis]

All right, I'll just. We got a little update here.

[Kate Berlant]

You said not just like a comment on another call that we've had, but sorta.

[Unknown Caller]

Okay, this isn't a question. Hello, Stavros. Hello, Elba. Not a question. A response to advice you gave to a previous caller. The one about I send my husband memes and he doesn't respond as much as I'd like.

[Elvis]

Yes, Kate, just to catch you up, we had a woman call in who says that her husband, she sends him a bunch of memes. He doesn't respond. He doesn't, like, give her LOLs. He doesn't.

[Kate Berlant]

Not even a heart reader.

[Elvis]

Not even a heart. I guess he just kind of fed up with it.

[Unknown Caller]

He's over it.

[Elvis]

Okay, he's over it. But so. And we basically said, like, that's rude, but you might also be overdoing it. You know, we don't know the full breadth of it, but it can be annoying. We basically tried to take a middleman position and just Cause it comes up in here.

[Kate Berlant]

We also said, like, sending good memes does not make you funny.

[Elvis]

We did say that. Cause she said she was funny and she might be funny, but meme curation does not make you funny.

[Unknown Caller]

No, no.

[Elvis]

And that might be. You know, maybe now we're being defensive, but whatever. Fuck you.

[Unknown Caller]

It's not an art.

[Elvis]

Yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

Okay. You're doing sex. You're doing meme sex. I don't think so.

[Elvis]

You at the meme open mics.

[Unknown Caller]

Pound the pavement.

[Elvis]

Are you fucking? Yeah. He's got an 8pm, you got a.

[Unknown Caller]

9Pm he's got a 9:30. You got a 10:45.

[Elvis]

I'm workshopping different types of fat kids. Before we got the rzr, there was the fat Mexican kid that was a comic to watch.

[Unknown Caller]

I. I was at Caroline's JFL when it meant something.

And he doesn't respond as much as I'd like. During the response there, you had comment which was. I think it's probably the exact quote you said. I got news for you. Finding memes doesn't make you funny.

Here we go.

[Elvis]

I did. I disagree.

[Unknown Caller]

I strongly disagree. Finding memes. Well, you didn't make the meme. You didn't make the joke.

[Elvis]

Of course. Interesting.

[Unknown Caller]

Choosing which memes to send in. That absolutely does make you funny. And I'll die on that hill.

You know, it doesn't sound funny. This guy that's ever seen.

[Elvis]

Bye.

[Unknown Caller]

Okay. By the way.

[Elvis]

Okay.

[Unknown Caller]

Go to hell.

[Elvis]

Well, guess what.

[Unknown Caller]

Why are you so angry?

[Elvis]

I hate to do this, man, but. Okay. You think that you. You. A guy calling into this show thinks that, and me, the guy whose show it is, has a different opinion. Let the people decide who knows what funny is. You some fucking dickhead who's kind of nervous even on this call.

[Unknown Caller]

By the way, you didn't tell. His voice is angry.

[Elvis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

I heard real angry. I just want to say that it is. You are funny.

[Elvis]

I'm sorry, man. Do a couple. Look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry they didn't pull your name on the bucket at Kill Tony. I don't know what you want from me. I'm sure you're crushing the memes, but it doesn't make you funny, buddy. I don't know what to tell you.

[Unknown Caller]

And this is why our culture is suffering so much.

[Elvis]

It is true. In a weird way, it actually is. People have like, curate. Look, curation is a skill, right?

[Unknown Caller]

Absolutely.

[Elvis]

Curating things is a skill. And I will even say that some people with good senses of humor have very successful meme pages. And I will say some people that are funny do pick good meme. Right. Like it can be a Venn diagram. I feel like, you know, there's probably very funny people that run successful meme pages. And I'm not saying it's not a skill, having a good sense of humor, but it is a different thing than generating things from nothing. That's all I'm saying.

[Unknown Caller]

I'm not even talking about making memes. You're talking about me posting memes. This is a non argument.

[Elvis]

I hate that you're making.

[Unknown Caller]

This is not.

[Elvis]

He's drugging me into the mud. Do you understand? Do you understand how stupid this feels? I literally. I hate that you're making me talk about this sincerely. That I have literally dedicated my life to comedy. And I'm a fucking 30. You know, I'm 35 and you know, my career's good, but the rest of my life's dog shit. If there's one thing I know, it's being fucking. All I have in this world is being funny and knowing what being funny is. And I'm sorry that you also want to be funny, but you probably have a. Well, I don't know about this guy, but you know what I'm saying. Actually, that's probably what's going on here. His life is as bad and he's not funny, but at the same time, I'm sorry that we're even having this discussion. It's just a different thing. Exactly. We're not even talking about this.

[Unknown Caller]

Promoting a funny movie.

[Elvis]

Yes, you're the guy.

[Unknown Caller]

Because of you being funny.

[Elvis]

You're the guy who in college said milk was a bad choice and everybody laughed.

[Unknown Caller]

Yeah, exactly. And listen, I said it too, by the way. You're having fun.

[Elvis]

I'm not saying it's bad. I'm just saying you're not funny by doing it.

[Unknown Caller]

Exactly.

[Elvis]

And I'm not saying you. Some people who. You know what? This guy. I don't know why I even allowed this. Him. I didn't like his voice from the beginning. There was something off with his tone and. Okay, you're dying on the hill. Congratulations. You. Wow, you really made me end this on a sour note, Eldis.

[Unknown Caller]

No, I feel. I feel empowered. Like, this is.

[Elvis]

Okay. Yeah, but see, I do hate that too, because there's nothing worse than. Than like standups. And again, I'm not trying to be one of those guys that pretends standup is an important thing. Yeah, of course it's not. Yeah, of course I'm not over here telling you you don't get what it's like. I'm just saying picking a funny thing is not certain things are. We're just talking about the definition of words.

[Unknown Caller]

Don't degrade what we do to the.

[Elvis]

Point you repost my joke about having a little dick. You didn't think about the joke.

[Unknown Caller]

Exactly.

[Elvis]

You didn't make it. Well, I guess that does it. I. You know, usually I'll just. The idea is for a fun, light hearted last call when I say, hey Eldis, you got something fun for us?

[Kate Berlant]

I didn't know that would get that out of hand, man.

[Unknown Caller]

Sorry we went cultural. We're talking about the overculture here. I know.

[Kate Berlant]

I didn't know I would have linked the dragon with that one.

[Elvis]

Well, I thought it was going to be a fun. You said it was an update. I thought it was probably some fat kid that we told to go on walks and buy three XL shirts and believe in himself. And he's like, guess what? A girl kissed me. And we're like, yeah, good for you. Those are always fun, those updates. But this is some fucking. Anyway, who cares? I don't care. Repost your memes, brother. This was a great episode, Kate. You were so great. Please come back. We'd love to have you. If you're ever in New York, if you're ever back in your old stomping grounds.

[Unknown Caller]

Honey, I'm there all the time.

[Elvis]

You got to check out the original studio as of course we are. We are in Los Angeles right now. But this was great. Anything you want to plug? Anything people want to.

[Unknown Caller]

Hey, sure, I have a pod. I have a podcast. Actually, we're doing video now too.

[Elvis]

Love it.

[Unknown Caller]

Berlant and Novak. I do it with Jaclyn Novak.

[Elvis]

Hell yeah.

[Unknown Caller]

Comedian used to be called. Well, we had a podcast. Pug. Not going to get into it, but we've got Burl Novak.

[Elvis]

Did you get videos by Goop?

[Unknown Caller]

No, actually Goop's been very friendly to us, but. But yeah. Don't be a stranger out there.

[Elvis]

Check out Kate. So, so funny. Do you have a special? You taped a special? Is it coming out or anything?

[Unknown Caller]

I have an old special.

[Elvis]

Right. Cinnamon in the Wind. That's cool.

[Unknown Caller]

Cinnamon in the Wind. You can find it on Hulu.

[Elvis]

You got something with.

[Unknown Caller]

I've got you.

[Elvis]

And John Owen did a very funny.

[Unknown Caller]

Did a thing on Peacock. Would it Kill youl to Laugh? I'll be touring actually in the new year.

[Elvis]

There we go.

[Unknown Caller]

Check out the dates. So please Ait Berlant send us the dates.

[Elvis]

We'll put them up there. This. I mean, it is. It's not. It won't come out in January.

[Unknown Caller]

It's currently 2025. I'm going to be on the road.

[Elvis]

Right. Great. Well, go see Kate live, listen to her podcast, and we will talk to you guys next time. Bye.