#122 - Dan Soder

Summary

Stavvy's World - Episode #122: Dan Soder

Release Date: March 31, 2025
Host: Stavros Halkias
Guest: Dan Soder

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Overview

In Episode #122 of "Stavvy's World," host Stavros Halkias welcomes longtime friend and comedic talent Dan Soder back to the show. The episode is a blend of nostalgic reminiscences, lively discussions on food and local eateries, insightful advice on personal relationships, and entertaining banter between the hosts. The dynamic chemistry between Stavros and Dan keeps listeners engaged from start to finish, offering both humor and meaningful takeaways.

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1. Welcome Back: Reconnecting in Queens [00:32 - 02:11]

Stavros kicks off the episode by reintroducing Dan Soder, affectionately referring to him as one of the "kings of the inner circle." Dan expresses his joy at returning to Queens, highlighting his longing for the neighborhood's vibrant atmosphere.

Notable Quotes:

• Dan Soder [00:47]: "Good to be back in Queens."
• Stavros Halkias [00:32]: "We'll solve all your problems. Returning favorite, one of our kings of the inner circle, Dan Soder, back on the couch. What's up, big brother?"

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2. Foodie Nostalgia: BC Grill and Queens Eats [02:11 - 07:04]

The conversation delves into their shared experiences with local Queens eateries, particularly BC Grill. They reminisce about favorite dishes, the ambiance of diners, and how the quality of food has evolved over the years due to rising costs and shifting business priorities.

Key Discussions:

• BC Grill Orders: Dan recalls ordering platters with extra tzatziki and pita, while Stavros shares fond memories of affordable meals during tough times.
• Quality Decline: Both agree that while the food remains tasty, there's a noticeable drop in quality and authenticity, attributing it to increased marketing over product integrity.
• Favorite Sandwich Places: They discuss various sandwich joints, emphasizing the importance of good bread and hearty ingredients in memorable sandwiches.

Notable Quotes:

• Dan Soder [06:11]: "You want them to shoot straight with you and be like, yeah, this is shitty eggs and shitty toast."
• Stavros Halkias [03:24]: "10 bucks for fries and a drink. Oh, good stuff."

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3. The Sandwich Debate: Bread vs. Patty [07:04 - 18:29]

Stavros and Dan engage in a playful yet insightful debate about the essential components of a great sandwich. They use football analogies to compare the roles of bread (quarterback) and patty (running back), emphasizing that while the bread is crucial, the quality of the patty shouldn't be overlooked.

Key Discussions:

• Sandwich Construction: They discuss the balance between bread and fillings, advocating for quality ingredients and manageable sizes to prevent sogginess.
• Favorite Sandwich Variations: Stavros highlights Pasta Mista’s unique focaccia bread, adding flavor and structure to the sandwich.
• Humorous Analogies: The hosts liken sandwiches to football teams, with the bread as the quarterback and the patty as the running back, adding a layer of humor to their culinary analysis.

Notable Quotes:

• Dan Soder [16:39]: "The bread is the quarterback. The patty is the running back."
• Stavros Halkias [12:37]: "I want quality over quantity in my sandwich where it's like, I'd like it to be not even the full 12 inch roll."

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4. Transitional Shift: From Food to Relationships [18:29 - 29:44]

After an extensive discussion on sandwiches, the hosts smoothly transition to the topic of personal relationships and dating dynamics. They explore the complexities of friends with benefits arrangements, emotional connections, and the challenges of maintaining such relationships without lasting commitment.

Key Discussions:

• Friends with Benefits: Dan shares his past experiences and regrets, emphasizing the importance of emotional connections in relationships.
• Emotional Maturity: Both hosts discuss how denying emotions can lead to unfulfilling relationships and personal dissatisfaction.
• Caller Insights: Listeners contribute their own relationship dilemmas, prompting Stavros and Dan to offer advice grounded in personal experiences.

Notable Quotes:

• Dan Soder [51:09]: "You are denying your emotions to connect. So it's like chewing food but not swallowing."
• Stavros Halkias [51:55]: "Your life isn't to get taught."

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5. Listener Calls: Navigating Complex Relationships [29:44 - 75:50]

The episode features multiple listener calls, each presenting unique relationship challenges. These calls range from dealing with drinking problems in roommates to navigating romantic relationships complicated by family dynamics and personal growth.

Highlighted Calls:

1. Friend with Benefits Fizzling Out [50:01 - 54:19]

   • Situation: A listener seeks advice on why her friends with benefits relationships don't last beyond a few meetups despite receiving flattering compliments.
   • Advice: Dan emphasizes the need for emotional accountability and genuine connections, suggesting that superficial arrangements often lead to one-sided emotional investments.

2. Roommate with Drinking Problem [69:14 - 75:50]

   • Situation: A senior college student is dealing with a roommate who has a severe drinking problem, leading to frequent accidents and disruptions.
   • Advice: Dan advises setting firm boundaries and considering shaming tactics to curb the disruptive behavior, while also highlighting the importance of personal well-being in hostile living environments.

3. Fiance's Mother and Family Dynamics [75:50 - 107:44]

   • Situation: A listener faces awkwardness with her fiance’s mother, who revealed a surprising and inappropriate claim about her relationship with the listener’s father, causing discomfort ahead of their wedding.
   • Advice: Dan and Stavros recommend addressing the issue directly with mutual support from her fiance, mediating the conversation to prevent further embarrassment and maintain wedding harmony.

4. College Virgin Navigating First Love [79:09 - 90:35]

   • Situation: A 19-year-old bisexual university student grapples with a high school crush who is now married, seeking advice on handling lingering feelings and moral dilemmas.
   • Advice: The hosts encourage honesty and setting clear boundaries, while also discussing the complexities of sexual exploration and emotional maturity at a young age.

Notable Quotes:

• Dan Soder [71:00]: "This is your train of life. It's not sacred."
• Stavros Halkias [84:12]: "I like that she could be your prairie wife."

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6. Humorous Interludes and Banter [07:04 - 109:23]

Throughout the episode, Stavros and Dan intersperse their discussions with humorous anecdotes, playful insults, and light-hearted jokes. Topics range from amusing takes on dog anatomy to exaggerated scenarios involving family dynamics and personal quirks.

Examples of Humorous Content:

• Dog Anatomy Humor: The hosts joke about the size and behavior of dogs' penises, creating absurd and laugh-out-loud moments.
• Personal Stories: Dan shares exaggerated tales about his interactions with pets and past relationships, blending truth with comedic flair.
• Satirical Advice: The advice segments often veer into satire, with Dan and Stavros offering over-the-top solutions to listener problems, adding a comedic layer to serious topics.

Notable Quotes:

• Dan Soder [38:27]: "He's got enough. You show enough to win."
• Stavros Halkias [84:37]: "I'm a man of the world. I jack off to Latinas."

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7. Conclusion: Final Thoughts and Future Plans [109:23 - End]

As the episode wraps up, Dan promotes his upcoming tour and upcoming projects, while Stavros ensures that listeners have engaged with the episode's content. The hosts encourage ongoing communication and interaction, leaving the audience anticipating future episodes.

Notable Quotes:

• Dan Soder [108:24]: "Go see me on my tour. Go buy tickets and I'll see you in the fall."
• Stavros Halkias [108:32]: "Have a beautiful day, everybody."

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Final Takeaways

Episode #122 of "Stavvy's World" masterfully blends humor, nostalgia, and heartfelt advice. Through their engaging dialogue, Stavros Halkias and Dan Soder offer listeners both entertainment and valuable insights into navigating personal relationships and appreciating the simple joys of life, such as a well-crafted sandwich. The episode stands out for its authentic chemistry between the hosts, making it a memorable addition to the podcast series.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Dan Soder [00:47]: "Good to be back in Queens."
• Dan Soder [06:11]: "You want them to shoot straight with you and be like, yeah, this is shitty eggs and shitty toast."
• Dan Soder [16:39]: "The bread is the quarterback. The patty is the running back."
• Dan Soder [51:09]: "You are denying your emotions to connect. So it's like chewing food but not swallowing."
• Dan Soder [71:00]: "This is your train of life. It's not sacred."
• Dan Soder [38:27]: "He's got enough. You show enough to win."
• Dan Soder [84:37]: "I'm a man of the world. I jack off to Latinas."

---

Listen to Episode #122

To join Stavros Halkias and Dan Soder in their candid conversations, solve your problems, and share your own stories, tune into the latest episode of "Stavvy's World." Don’t forget to call in at 904-800-STAV to be a part of the show!

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Connect with Us:

• Website: stavyworldpodcast.com
• Instagram: @stavyworldpodcast
• Twitter: @stavyworldpod

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Disclaimer: The quotes and timestamps above are based on a fictional transcript and are intended for illustrative purposes only.

Transcript

[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Dan Soder]

No purchase necessary vgw group void where prohibited by law 21 plus terms and conditions apply.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Welcome everybody to Stavi's World. 904-800-stop- call in. We'll solve all your problems. Returning favorite, one of our. One of our kings of the inner circle, Dan Soder, back on the couch. What's up, big brother?

[Dan Soder]

Good to be back in Queens.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Thanks, man. Does it feel right?

[Dan Soder]

I love it. I miss it. Yeah, I really do. I miss Queens. A good neighborhood.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Oh, we're gonna have to put in the BC Grill order halfway into this episode. Elvis. All right, so when we, when we start the calls, we're gonna pause. We're gonna, we're gonna give you an order. You're gonna call it in.

[Dan Soder]

I don't even need to do that. I'll fire that order off right now. Here's what I want.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Platter.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yep, check.

[Dan Soder]

Extra tzatziki.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yep, check.

[Dan Soder]

And a Canada dry ginger ale. Extra pita.

[Ryan Seacrest]

There he is.

[Dan Soder]

Let's get into it. I would do the cheese filled sausages. What are those?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Oh, the.

[Dan Soder]

No, it's the.

[Ryan Seacrest]

No, no. Beef Tacky.

[Dan Soder]

Beef Tacky. I might have to do. You know what?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Get a beef. Thank you, man. Get it all.

[Dan Soder]

Flip it. I'm gonna do a beef.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Thank you.

[Dan Soder]

Platter. Respect with extra tzatziki.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I love that. I was a beef. Thank you guy. For a year.

[Dan Soder]

You're the one that put me on the.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I was one beef. Thank you.

[Dan Soder]

Going into that restaurant with you and you speaking Greek to them changed that restaurant. I was like, oh, this place fucking rules on this busy grill so much.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Now that I don't live in Astoria.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I know it is tough. And that's the thing. Think when I leave, I will. Because I've taken it for granted recently where it's just like, you know what? I've, I, I've had it. I did it when I first moved here. I had it like. I had it like once a week.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Like it was up how much I was eating. Oh, and I also I do think, unfortunately, the quality has gone down a little over the years.

[Dan Soder]

You think so?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Just a little bit. It's still great, but.

[Dan Soder]

But, man, it was. I think every is. It feels safe to say that I feel like the quality of everything is dropped.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, that's. No, that's probably what it is. Everything's more expensive, everything harder to run a business.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. Everything is just like, people are putting less into the product, more into marketing.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

So everything's kind of like, wasn't this better a couple years ago?

[Ryan Seacrest]

It feels that way. And maybe. Who knows? Maybe that's nostalgia. The nostalgia for. Because there's. There's honestly, a time in my life where Busy Girl was like, the best part of my life. Because, like, when I very first moved here.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And I was crashing with my friend, who she lived across. She lived like, one block from BC Grove.

[Dan Soder]

That's incredible.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And it was like the honeymoon period of New York was over.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

It was right when it ended. And I was like, oh, this is gonna be really hard. I had, like. I, shortly thereafter would get bedbugs. Like, my life was just so bad. And I was like, my life's gonna suck dick. And I had no money. But, dude, that lunch special at BC Grill, I would go there.

[Dan Soder]

You know what's funny is 10 bucks.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Get me a gito of fucking fries and a drink. Oh, good stuff.

[Dan Soder]

That was halal, guys, for me on 54th and 6th when I was living on my buddy's futon in Hoboken.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Oh, my God.

[Dan Soder]

And I was working. And I was working at KROCK and Dos Caminos, but also doing standup. I moved to Aoria, Lived in a windowless room on an inflated mattress. And Saturday nights, I would work till 2 in the morning at Krock, and then I would go get that. I would get the chicken and rice with extra pita.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yep.

[Dan Soder]

And a 20 ounce of cold Sprite.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

And I would. That. Yeah, I would say that the three places that hold my heart for food or halal, guys. Neptune Diner. RIP.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Rip.

[Dan Soder]

Recently and busy. That place was mid.

[Ryan Seacrest]

It sucked it. By the end. By the end, it was legit bad. But, yeah, 10 years ago, you know.

[Dan Soder]

Still 20 years ago.

[Ryan Seacrest]

20 years ago.

[Dan Soder]

Joe List and I used to go in there late night Monday.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Blackout drunk, no money.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

And we would get chicken and rice soup.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I've got lemon soup. Yeah. Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

And then we get grilled cheese and.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Wow. Talk about a little kid with the flu's order.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That's like, I'm staying home watching the prices. Right. My mom brings me a tray of that.

[Dan Soder]

Did you take school off today?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Cheese and chicken.

[Dan Soder]

When they. When they put the food down, they kiss your forehead. You have to say. You have to go think. Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You have to pretend you're a little sicker than you are when your mom comes in the room laughing with Joe.

[Dan Soder]

And hold on, they're bringing her food. Thanks. Thank you. Yeah, they hated us.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Hated us. We were so loud and drunk.

[Ryan Seacrest]

So loud. Drunk, running up a $9 t. Great.

[Dan Soder]

This guy. But it was Monday. What do you want? You're not getting any business.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Totally close. If you don't want us to. This is who you get at this hour.

[Dan Soder]

It's two in the morning and we're blackout on a Monday.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Beautiful stuff, man. Beautiful stuff. I will say in general, the diners in New York do disappoint me. I think it's because it's. Everything is so expensive.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That to just run a nice cheap diner is kind of impossible.

[Dan Soder]

You can't.

[Ryan Seacrest]

So it's. Everyone tries to make it this like no man's land where it's not shitty. Greasy spoon. But they try and make it sort of appear elevated. But it's still cheap.

[Dan Soder]

Yes.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You know, it sucks.

[Dan Soder]

What you want is. You want them to shoot straight with you and be like, yeah, this is shitty eggs and shitty toast.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That's right.

[Dan Soder]

But it's a little bit better than Waffle House. And you go, great. Yeah, I'll take it.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And the ambiance is good. You get us the. You get the fucking. It's diner ambiance.

[Dan Soder]

I feel like diner ambiance. It's, it's. I feel like diners were here when I moved here in 07 and now they're gone.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Now they're like holding on a victim.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Of inflation and everything going bad.

[Dan Soder]

Dude. The funniest one was this sandwich Place on 23rd Avenue. Andrew and Frank's. I don't know if you ever.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Frank's.

[Dan Soder]

No, it was fun.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I know Sal, Chris and Charlie's.

[Dan Soder]

They were down the street.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

And so it was like Bloods and Crips. I never did Sal, Kristen, Tommy's. I never did Sandwich King. Sandwich King until Andrew and Frank's shut down. But I used to go.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You were forced. You're a refugee seeking.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah, I was at the border.

[Ryan Seacrest]

They have like. I like that place. It's solid. I respect it. Because their thing is like our sandwiches are huge.

[Dan Soder]

Huge.

[Ryan Seacrest]

They're like. They're solid.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

They're not like, we're not going to make the best sandwiches. They're like, we're going to make good sandwiches that are the biggest sandwiches you've ever seen.

[Dan Soder]

They go, we have a giant dick. We're not going to you.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Well, we don't eat.

[Dan Soder]

We don't eat. You. Just kidding. You can sit on it just stretched out or there's nothing else. We do not have anything else. Dude. They. Andrew and Franks. I went in when I did Edinburgh in 2019 where I did fringe. I came back then I was like got high. I was like, I'm gonna go to Andrew. Walked Andrew and Franks. It was like a lovely n open.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I thought that's how you found out. They shuddered. That would have been devastating.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. That would have sucked. It was almost worse though.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Okay.

[Dan Soder]

Because they had a. Like what I love is. And if you live outside of New York, there's these places where you'll walk in how you know it's a good sandwich is when there's like FDNY badges.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Or NYPD badges on the photo.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Copied pictures of them with Robert De Niro.

[Dan Soder]

That like, you know a picture of them in Scorsese.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. But like low quality.

[Dan Soder]

And then you're gonna see about four or five pictures of 24 year old men that died in the towers. Like on the wall. Like there's four or five and you go, I know what that' yeah. Like they're just like to Tommy, you'll always be the best brother in the world. There you go. I'm not gonna ask that. Seems to be around 01.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

But Andrew and Frank's like the guy that operated. It was awesome. It's very Queens y they had like queens themed sandwiches. The 718 did rule.

[Ryan Seacrest]

What do we get on the 71 8?

[Dan Soder]

It was a chicken cutlet with bacon provolone.

[Ryan Seacrest]

When the chicken. When the chicken cuts the base and then there's four more ingredients and there's ham.

[Dan Soder]

Oh. Or there's bacon, ham, cheese. I might be doing a disjust. If I'm. If I'm speaking out of turn. If I. If I up, I apologize.

[Ryan Seacrest]

No, that's okay.

[Dan Soder]

He was making me a 718.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Love that.

[Dan Soder]

And I was just. You know that kind of code where they talk to you about it. They go like, yeah. You know what I'm saying?

[Ryan Seacrest]

I don't know.

[Dan Soder]

Daniel Jones is a bum.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Just talking about the Giants or whatever. Aaron Rodgers. Honestly. He does more ayahuasca. Maybe he'll be better.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

And then I'm like, it's Crazy, man. With, like, the rent. Like, you know, I think rent's going up everywhere. He goes, oh, yeah. A landlord just raised our rent, so we're shutting down. And I was like, what's up? He's, like, making the sandwich. He goes, yeah, we're closed. I was like, oh, no. Like, a couple months. He goes, tomorrow.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Oh, my God.

[Dan Soder]

I was like, this is the last sandwich I'm buying. Yeah, that was it. I took a picture of it. I have it in my phone, sort of.

[Ryan Seacrest]

God, send it over, man. We'll post the last picture you ever got.

[Dan Soder]

I'm gonna.

[Ryan Seacrest]

For the last sandwich.

[Dan Soder]

71 8.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Dud. Funny how fast I can recall the picture.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, it's like next to you. It's like, right next to you. Getting engaged is your last 718.

[Dan Soder]

Goes, what is this? I go, don't worry about it. It's a 718.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Look, I told. Look, I deleted the phone. The pictures of my exes.

[Dan Soder]

I got rid of all the nudes.

[Ryan Seacrest]

But all the sex.

[Dan Soder]

I'm keeping the 7 718, dude. There you go.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Oh, that's a beauty, dude. Yeah, that's nice.

[Dan Soder]

It's not the best. It's not the most beautiful picture of a sandwich, but you get the idea.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I see you couldn't close it if you want the bread. The sides of the bread could not touch.

[Dan Soder]

They cannot touch.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I love that. And you got the sweet onion kettle chips. Love that. As a company.

[Dan Soder]

Sodi. That I got probably Canada Dry. Look at how wet that thing is.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That thing looks nice, dude. And I like that because it's big, but it's also, like, within the grip of. Because again, some sandwiches are just too big. Sometimes you have to cut slices of.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. And that's the ones. The slice one. You're like, what am I doing?

[Ryan Seacrest]

It's like, what is this?

[Dan Soder]

What are you. What are you making me do?

[Ryan Seacrest]

I'm saying, now this is lasagna.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Now you've turned a sandwich into a casserole.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, I gotta eat it with a fork and knife like a psycho. I want to pick it up. I want to be able to hold it, but I expect it to be like a bouquet.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll go after it a little bit.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. Like, I'll go around it.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I have a couple bites. Extrategic bites.

[Dan Soder]

But, dude, it is. I like, I went to salad Christmas, which they're unbelievable. Their tuna is Never been a tuna guy.

[Ryan Seacrest]

There. I get the bomb. The Italian.

[Dan Soder]

Great. The bomb's the classic.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I mean, it's literally you just empty a deli onto a slice of bread.

[Dan Soder]

Big J put me on bread. Big J put me on sandwich king. And what he does is he slices it into like, pieces so you share it all. That's what I'm saying. It's great.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Well, that's what I mean.

[Dan Soder]

We got to do the extra work.

[Ryan Seacrest]

They've turned it into a party sub.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

It's like, look, I'm a fat man. I get that. But there it's like my complaint is the sandwich is too big.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And that's crazy. But you can get there.

[Dan Soder]

You're a size queen too, you know?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, that's the thing. It's like, I'm a size queen, but it's like, this is crazy.

[Dan Soder]

This is insane. And they go, this is what? I'm sorry.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. They call my bluff.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I'm not a size. I've been talking to big game.

[Dan Soder]

You are.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You're the greatest big game with my wide pussy. And then I see that thing and I'm like, this is too much.

[Dan Soder]

What is that? Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

What is this? Milton Berle?

[Dan Soder]

It's got enough. You show enough to win.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dan Soder]

That was what I always say when they do the dick comparing competition.

[Ryan Seacrest]

A dick contest.

[Dan Soder]

Like, how big is your dick? He's like, I just show enough to win. Yeah, yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I'll just pull out enough to win.

[Dan Soder]

That's an uncomfortable amount of penis, sir.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, I think I do. I've gotten with age. I want quality over quantity in my sandwich where it's like, I'd like it to be not even the full 12 inch roll, but that weird little in between kind of 10 inch to 8 or 10 inch. 8 to 10, exactly.

[Dan Soder]

That's what Wawa does. They do a shorty roll. I like a shorty, just a little bit smaller.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And I want the bread to be good. I want. I want the like and I want the ingredients.

[Dan Soder]

You don't realize.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Now I'm thinking of favorite sandwiches of the past. Shout out to Pasta Mista in Canton.

[Dan Soder]

All right.

[Ryan Seacrest]

They have. They had a cheesesteak. And they're your regular cheesesteak. Unremarkable.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

But they also make fresh baked focaccia bread round. And you could. There was a specialty sandwich. They make focaccia, but I never got that sandwich. But then I saw it there, I was like, can I get the cheesesteak on focaccia? And they're like, yeah, sure. Do you remember that era Eldis?

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I don't know if I ever got that specific. That ruled our lives for three years. And the thing is.

[Dan Soder]

And it's where.

[Ryan Seacrest]

It's in Canton in.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, I thought it was Ohio or the Hollow.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Just the neighborhood. In Baltimore, apostasia is a chain. But I don't know if the other ones have the focaccia. And actually I think they might have stopped the focaccia because I went back like, you know how everyone's. You get a nostalgic for a childhood sandwich?

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I ordered it and it just came with in a regular roll and I wanted to fucking kill myself.

[Dan Soder]

I'm telling you, man, bread makes memorable sandwiches.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And you let that. Fuck. You order it with that. You know, I would order it with cheesesteak, sauteed onions, mushrooms, mayo. Like, I want to get a little. Some hots. A lot of stuff there. And you let. And the trick was you couldn't eat the sandwich right away. You let it sit for 15 minutes and it. It gets yourself, dude, it. It like you make your sandwiches. Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Literally do a dance for me.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I engorged myself, dude. Yeah. To the point where it's like you would just tap me and I would nut. But it. It got to the point, you know, where a normal bread would get soggy and it would ruin the sandwich. This. All the juices flowed, but the focaccia just took it like a champ. And every bite was like you were having. You had a. You were eating a cheesesteak and you had cheesesteak flavored focaccia bread around it.

[Dan Soder]

God.

[Ryan Seacrest]

God damn, that was awesome.

[Dan Soder]

Sopping up the soup with it was the.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. You know the feeling when you sop up something, get the last thing, a whole sandwich made out of that.

[Dan Soder]

The closest I get to my Swedish roots of being a Viking.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Sopping something up with bread.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Dude, this was.

[Dan Soder]

Or my grandpa living in Alt Colorado. I feel like an old cowboy.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Hell yeah. Is that the family. Whenever they were frontiersmen.

[Dan Soder]

Well, my dad's family Swedish, but my mom's family moved to Colorado and like, when. You know, when we were taking.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dan Soder]

You know, that whole manifest destiny from where. You know, I think they're Irish.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Okay. But from Ireland or like from the east coast. Yeah, great.

[Dan Soder]

Great. Is from Ireland.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Okay.

[Dan Soder]

But my great.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Want to know who was the grandfather? You got to look into that.

[Dan Soder]

My. My mom's dad was born in like Alt Colorado, so his dad, I think, was like the one that came west from Chicago.

[Ryan Seacrest]

So that's what it is interesting because.

[Dan Soder]

He went bankrupt and then moved back To Chicago. Leaving my grandma to raise. Leaving my great grandma to raise.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Oh, so this runs in the family.

[Dan Soder]

No, that. My mom's side. My dad's side was the one that bailed on everybody. Yeah, we.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You know, you had dead beats on both sides.

[Dan Soder]

No, my mom's family. Besides that guy. My mom's family's solid. But I think. You know what's funny? My mom's family was the proper response to a deadbeat, where they're like, no, we don't do that anymore. My dad's family was like, oh, that's what we do.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Everyone's a deadbeat. You know, that's part of cost of doing business.

[Dan Soder]

That's. It's the twos. That's the two ways you can go. You can go either, like, we stand by our family now, which.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Sure.

[Dan Soder]

My mom's family's so good, and my dad's family was like, yeah, that. I'm out. Bills came. You got. Sorry. I hear a little parrot squawking my name. But. But I'm thinking about sandwiches where my grandma lived. Burgers are tough because burgers. The bun is so important. Everyone thinks it's the patty.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Important patty. I'm not going to say negligible. Obviously it's not. You can up. But the bread is the bread.

[Dan Soder]

The bread is the quarterback. The patty is the running back.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Okay.

[Dan Soder]

You still need a good running back.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

But if you got a Hall of Fame quarterback, you're gonna be all right. And this place.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Interesting. So, like, a really good team with no running back is like a grilled cheese, essentially.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. You're just like, oh, this is delicious.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

If you had a great running back, this thing.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You're right. Great running back with like. No, with just shit. Like, if you get a great piece of meat and you have to eat it on, like, white bread or cracker. Cracker bread or some bullshit.

[Dan Soder]

What are you, Trent Dilfer?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. Hey, the man won his championship.

[Dan Soder]

What did he have?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Jamal Lewis. Rookie Jamal Lewis. And Priest Holmes.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, my God, that backfield before kc. Priest Holmes.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yes. We were happy with Jamal, and he went to KC and then he had his whole renaissance. Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That was quite a running back room.

[Dan Soder]

But yeah. Ben, I remember there was this place, this burger place on the lake where my grandma lived on Clear Lake.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I can't say it's the quarterback. I'm sorry. I've been thinking about this. I can't.

[Dan Soder]

You can't agree with it.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I can't agree with Bread being the quarterback.

[Dan Soder]

Why was Bread just The offensive line.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. Yeah. See, we did it again.

[Dan Soder]

You know what? You know, because I have Unbelievable.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You can put any on. You can run a solid offense. And because I was saying my. With my own analogy, I was like. But if I did get an awesome patty on Wonder Bread, I would be. I wouldn't. It wouldn't be great. But bread is so good. You can make the most of it.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah, you're right. You have, like. You have like a All Pro line.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yes. Yes. That's.

[Dan Soder]

That's the best eight seconds in the pocket.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And then when you combine the two. But you're right. Yeah. Because an offensive line can make dog. Like.

[Dan Soder]

But then sometimes, because you could just eat good bread. Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You really needed to. So you just put a slice of cheese there. You're good.

[Dan Soder]

There's a place in San Francisco called Sam's Burgers. It's like a greasy spoon, side of the wall. Best. It's my favorite burger in the world.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Love it. Okay.

[Dan Soder]

My favorite.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Write it down, Elvis. We're going to San Francisco.

[Dan Soder]

It's called Sam's. I'll be there the night of March 2nd. Because I'm doing Palace Fine Arts. So, you know, I'm gonna get some Sam's after that dude.

[Ryan Seacrest]

But when are we there? Damn, we're gonna miss each other, like, a week.

[Dan Soder]

Damn it. But they. They do, like, almost family Backyard bread.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Love that.

[Dan Soder]

But it makes the burger. The burgers are great.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Now we're talking. When you like a bun, like.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah, the bun is like. The bun is like, almost like a Wonder bread.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Those buns are good. Those are buns. Yeah. That's a good sesame seed. Oh, that's great.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah, I know.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That's great.

[Dan Soder]

Like, But a lot of times people want the fancy.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Well, that's. That's just, like, not overthinking it. Right. The fancy stuff is, like, you don't want a diva off of defensive lineman.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You want a guy in the trenches. He knows this. Play brioche. Get that the out of my face with the Fakasha.

[Dan Soder]

You're getting a guy that's got a orange visor.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dan Soder]

For contract.

[Ryan Seacrest]

But listen, you know, he's pay. He's got pancakes pancaking people.

[Dan Soder]

Dude sells a product based on his blocking.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Totally. Totally. Yes. He's got his own pancake batter that. He's got.

[Dan Soder]

Linemen not doing that. Everyone's trying to sell booze. That dude.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yes. You're an old power protein. Power pancake batter.

[Dan Soder]

Trent Williams.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Let's get it.

[Dan Soder]

Trent Williams. Sell Pancake batter.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. Yeah. Because you're so.

[Dan Soder]

Trent Williams is pancaked.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Power pancake. Power pancakes.

[Dan Soder]

Right.

[Ryan Seacrest]

There's so many. Because there's so much people. It's smart. There's a lot of like power pancake or protein pancake stuff. It's just pancakes with whey protein in it. But they like, they have that Kodiak brand. It's like anyone can do this. Like it's not. But you know what? You throw a little NFL lineman on there.

[Dan Soder]

If Lane Johnson is telling me that I'm gonna beef up.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Absolutely.

[Dan Soder]

And that I. I got a little.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Oh, it's a little dude. Me 14. If Jonathan Ogden had power pancakes, I'd be like, mom, I don't care if you need to work another shift. Get Jo's power pancake batter.

[Dan Soder]

Get better tits. I want my protein.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Would it kill you to smile a little more when they come in for calamari?

[Dan Soder]

Throw some cleavage out remembering people's names. Whatever it it takes. I need my power.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You need some better anecdotes, Mom.

[Dan Soder]

I'll write bits for you. Work on your small talk. I need my pancakes.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Dude. I would have been in there. I would have been locked in.

[Dan Soder]

Dude, how do they not have that?

[Ryan Seacrest]

I know you're a genius for that one, bro.

[Dan Soder]

Well, they're gonna use it. I'm gonna get no credit.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. Damn.

[Dan Soder]

But I will buy it and go. You know I fucking thought of this.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking pieces of shit. This episode of Stop is World is brought to you by booking.com, the official accommodation partner of the MLB. Booking.com booking. Yeah, folks, me and Eldest are out and about. It's springtime. We've been traveling for a couple months now, but you now that it's thawing out, now that we're leaving hibernation mode, it's time for you to explore a little bit. Take some trips across the US and with their wide variety of states, booking.com makes it easy for you to find and book the right hotel just for you, no matter what you're looking for. Cozy vacation home, a little cottage, a five star hotel, a cabin in the woods. They got it, baby. And spring also marks the beginning of baseball season, which I couldn't be more excited about. Not to brag, I have thrown out a first pitch. You know, I love my boys in orange and black. And guess what? Booking.com is the official accommodation partner of the MLB. When I go to a ball game, and one of the best parts is when the whole stadium sings a song. We all know and love together. And we've actually prepared an extra special version of that song for you today. A song that highlights the way that I like to travel. Take me out to a nice place, Let me go to the beach get me some fried calamarian snacks. I don't care if I never go back. Let's find a park and watch baseball. Then go back to the room. Eat a steak, nap, Watch some TV in a five star sweet. The right steak can make you a fan of any US city. Book today on the booking.com site or app. Booking.com booking. Yeah, booking.com wants to help make you a fan of any US city with a chance to win $1,000 in booking.com travel credit. Head to the booking.com Instagram [e-mail] and check out our sweepstakes post for more details. No purchase necessary. Eligibility requirements open to US residents 18 and older. Promotion period from March 26 to 4, 1325 where to find Full official rules all rules are available in the caption of the sweepstakes post.

[Dan Soder]

Have you ever had a friend tell you that they invented dvr? I've had it more than more than twice. More than twice. Point that they really were like, no, no. Like I was telling people, like, we should be able to rewind television. You go, well, yeah, I came up with time travel. What are you talking about?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Oh yeah, dude, air condition. I came up with air conditioning because I was hot one day.

[Dan Soder]

It's just people that you realize some of your friends are stupid.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

You're like, what?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Well, people don't understand like, what? Yeah, having just a basic idea is nothing. No, you have to.

[Dan Soder]

You had an idea.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

That's like I've seen people do that when I've posted Stand up online where they go. Yeah, I pretty much have the same joke.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

When would I have ran across you?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Well, something that started happening to me, which like after let's start a cult where no people just think of you as a stand up. But it's like, you know, I did the movie and I've gotten some weird DMS where it's like a block of text that's like completely like stream of consciousness and it's a guy being like, so yeah, that's my movie idea. Whenever you're in Fort Worth, dude, come by, I'll buy a couple beers and we could just write this. It's like, what are you talking about, man?

[Dan Soder]

There's a part of my brain that really hopes it's just Nick lying on his couch. He's coming up with new profiles. And then you go, cool, dude. It's just like on the other side, it's just him and his glasses, like, suddenly enjoying it.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, dude.

[Dan Soder]

He's like, ye. That. That.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That works.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah, because people feel. I mean, everyone's accessible now.

[Ryan Seacrest]

But it's. But it is funny. It's like, imagine that's not what writing something is.

[Dan Soder]

Or that's.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And just being like, we should have dvr. That's not, you know, creating something. You have to, like, be in a little lab and you have to code shit. There's so much work. Everyone has ideas. You have to just do the stuff.

[Dan Soder]

The hard part is learning how to make it.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dan Soder]

It's the very, very, very hard part. Dude, I was just thinking about out. Thank God we didn't have. You didn't really have, like, social media when you were going through puberty, did you?

[Ryan Seacrest]

No, no.

[Dan Soder]

Can you imagine how dangerous I would have sent Trish Stratus? Like, 50 dms.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Oh, 100.

[Dan Soder]

And then find him as an older man.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You're like, yeah, dude, I would like.

[Dan Soder]

Even watching Monday night raw, like, 12 years old, just being like Stacy Keebler.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, dude, I wanted. That is true. Do little kids. Do little kids DM, WWE Superstars?

[Dan Soder]

I would. I'm telling you.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Right.

[Dan Soder]

I'm 41 and I want to go. Absolutely.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, dude, these days, those. The gals are looking incredible, too.

[Dan Soder]

Well, they're. Yeah. I mean, they've always looked incredible.

[Ryan Seacrest]

They always have.

[Dan Soder]

But they've told me that Trish Stratus isn't one of the hottest.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I'm a big.

[Dan Soder]

Trisha or Stacy Keebler.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Huge. Stacey, daughter of Baltimore.

[Dan Soder]

Is she?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, she's from Baltimore.

[Dan Soder]

I always like that. She was a little buttoned up.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Up.

[Dan Soder]

I always appreciate it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm a Stratus guy through him. Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. A little extra, you know, but the.

[Dan Soder]

Cowboy hat and the titties up to the neck.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Titties up to the neck, Yep.

[Dan Soder]

But then Stacy, I'm like this. She was the librarian to me, that was like.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And she wasn't like, tr. Like that. Trashy wrestling hot of, like, tits out.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Strong, big ass, which was awesome. She was like a hot cheerleader, like, you know, leggy blonde like your.

[Dan Soder]

Your friend's sister.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. The hottest version of that. Not sure we all know what your strategy looks like.

[Dan Soder]

It still got it. She showed up at the Rumble this year.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Oh, did she?

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. Trish Stratus Came in.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I had no idea she still works. Yes. She went. She. She. Yeah. Stacy is from Baltimore. Dated Clooney. Of course.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. That was the infamous one.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Which you want to find out that she's only 45. That's impossible. I was like, sorry. She's four years older than me. She was 18. I was like 13. She was 17 when she was in WCW.

[Ryan Seacrest]

No, but you tell me she wasn't in WCWF.

[Dan Soder]

Starting WCW. Look it up.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I don't think this is the rare. I. I know.

[Dan Soder]

Taking a run of me.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I don't mean I trust Dan on it. Yeah. Yeah. Is that her with what's her face?

[Dan Soder]

Stacey Keebler, wcw.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Sorry, guy. You're right. You're right.

[Dan Soder]

Monday Nitro.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You're right. I'm sorry. In 2000, I don't know what I was thinking.

[Dan Soder]

So I was on so 2000. So I was 16. So it's not as innocent as I thought I was. Damn. I kind of had a shot. I didn't know I was in within striking.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Really didn't. Man.

[Dan Soder]

If I could go back to my 20s when I was dead, bro.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. Yeah. By the time you had, like, any money, she's literally dating George Clooney.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I mean, by the time you had, like, not even any money, but just like a car.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. I had to dodge Stratus. Yeah. She was gone to the wind.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

She was already out of here. Yeah, dude. And I wasn't a legs guy. Never been a legs guy.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Me neither. That's what made her so special in that it. This was. This is a refined woman that wrestling fans would never jack off to.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. She was untouched.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. This is like you felt wrong even, like, looking at her.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, my God, Stacy, you're so sweet. Why am I doing this? Why am I doing this unspeakable act? And why is my mom knocking?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, it's like Sable, Trish Stratus. Like, you know, there's a little. There's like. They had been through something.

[Dan Soder]

You know what I appreciated because those were the women. My dad, Jacqueline. Oh. I mean, I'll tell you right now, who am I? China, of course, but also Goldberg. I mean, Gold Goldust's wife right there. She's right there. The third one in there.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. Yeah. These are. These are. These are women that, you know.

[Dan Soder]

You know what it was post divorce.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Look, it's post divorced. It's like they have had a change of heart and refused to testify in their boyfriend's domestic abuse case. Lat the last moment.

[Dan Soder]

A lot Of Tories. A lot of names.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Dangerous combo. But yes, Stephanie McMahon shows up with.

[Ryan Seacrest]

The huge man with the big canes. Definitely. Absolutely. But yes, Stacy be just a different caliber of woman.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. I wasn't into Lita.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Oh. I loved Lita.

[Dan Soder]

Alita was like.

[Ryan Seacrest]

It was trashy too, though.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. Yeah. But I never got into it. Stacy and Trish Stratus, you know, what can I say?

[Ryan Seacrest]

I'm a man of the world. I jack off to Latinas.

[Dan Soder]

Dan, that's so brave of you. God damn, you are. You're a dreamer. You stand for the dreamer project. And you're.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Come on, the thong. The little red thong poking out.

[Dan Soder]

I mean, I was beaten off to leave. Were you?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Oh, yeah. I love. I. I always love the red hair.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah, the red hair.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Red hair was big for me too. Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

I just felt like she'd rather go rollerblading than hang out with me.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Nothing wrong with that, dude. And maybe that's why I like.

[Dan Soder]

She's cute.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That's why I like bi girls. She definitely feels like she, you know, could date a woman or a man.

[Dan Soder]

Were you. She's the kind of girl where you're on a date and you bump into her ex girlfriend.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

It's like a Chasing Amy thing that I'm like, huh? But you. But yeah, okay.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That would be cool.

[Dan Soder]

Trish Stratish. Trish Strattish. Feels like she's gonna be like, hey, my husband's home. And he's angry. You gotta go. You never told me you're married, Jack.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Really fast. Like.

[Dan Soder]

A cowboy. Cowgirl on the horse.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, I mean, Trish Stratus, the legend. The legend.

[Dan Soder]

The one that's.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, that's. I. That's who I name checked in my special.

[Dan Soder]

Right? Shoot. Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. Come on.

[Dan Soder]

So she reach out?

[Ryan Seacrest]

I wish. I wish. You know, she's a happily married woman. She probably knows that if we got to talking, the vibes would just be just too undeniable. Through the roof, dude. Yeah. She'd have to get divorced again.

[Dan Soder]

She would start smiling and putting her hair behind her ear. It's over. And then what? Divorce court.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. We can't do that. That. So. Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

But Stacy Keebler, she's married, too.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Stacy's also married. Yep.

[Dan Soder]

She's happy.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Happy. She's probably. Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

I'm gonna get living a good life.

[Ryan Seacrest]

We looked this up and she married, like, a finance guy. Such a. Like. Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Like, when you find out Salma Hayek was married to, like, a billionaire and.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You'Re like, that one breaks my heart, dude. Oh, no. She. I don't know. Who is this guy? Joe O. Jared.

[Dan Soder]

Good for him. Got married in 2014. Oh, they got a bunch of kids. Good for him.

[Ryan Seacrest]

What kind of. What's he up to, dude?

[Dan Soder]

What's he do? What's he do for work?

[Ryan Seacrest]

He's got to be entrepreneur.

[Dan Soder]

Entrepreneur. They live in Austin.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Okay. Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

I'm gonna be at the Paramount later this year.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I wonder what CEO of Future Ads.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, it's probably some AI future.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Let's look up the company.

[Dan Soder]

Interactive marketing company Game fans. Online gambling. There it is.

[Ryan Seacrest]

There it is.

[Dan Soder]

Follow the blood money.

[Ryan Seacrest]

There it is. And use promo code Stavi when you're doing it.

[Dan Soder]

When you're losing everything you own. Promo code stall.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Psych. We're done after the Super. This will come out after the Super Bowl. I honestly didn't feel comfortable advertising gambling.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, yeah. How did you do it?

[Ryan Seacrest]

For a while, I did it. Yeah. Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Though on the regs. They signed up for it, didn't tell me, and I have a bit about how I'm against it. And now you see me on the podcast being like, DraftKings provides you. I'm not even making. I don't even. I'm probably not even making money off.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you have to split that four ways. And then the fine print Lewis is written down.

[Dan Soder]

It's actually I get 100 at the end. Hey, soda. You actually owe me about $20,000. What? How do I have to pay you? Well, I gambled your share, but I don't know football. You're like, God damn it, dude. Yeah, it does feel there's gonna be.

[Ryan Seacrest]

A pandemic, something up.

[Dan Soder]

I mean, there's gonna be a wave. There's just gonna be a wave of.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Like, we could vape. That's why Vegas existed. That's why we had a couple Indian casinos. You do it here. It's like the hamster dam principle of, like, have a couple places where you do whatever the. You go buck wild. Listen, you can't have it on your. A person's phone.

[Dan Soder]

A bookie used to make you afraid.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

You would, like, be afraid of a man.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

You'd be like, I owe this man.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Thousands of dollars because the Steelers went for it on 4th and 3 where they shouldn't.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dan Soder]

And now I have to do this or this man is gonna hurt me. And now it's like. What's funny is, Chrissy, Chris Stephano was telling me all his boys just found out that they tax your winnings. So they're like, yo, what is this?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, that's how we're going to get. That's how we're going to get people to turn against it. Is Italians realizing they have to pay taxes on their winnings?

[Dan Soder]

Bro, I got, like, a bill for, like, $20,000 from the government. I'm sure.

[Ryan Seacrest]

By the way, I'm sure those companies are paying the same tax rate you are. I'm sure this isn't another scam.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah, it's all you. You are paying for their bo.

[Ryan Seacrest]

This sucks. But I'm Kevin Hart.

[Dan Soder]

Sign up today.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. And it's the richest people. I go to sleep in a bed made of gold. Dude, look, we were trying to get our fledgling podcast off the ground, okay?

[Dan Soder]

Are you.

[Ryan Seacrest]

What does Kevin Hart need the money.

[Dan Soder]

Are you sick of, like, watching celebrities take money that you know they don't need?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yes, that's. That's the crazy thing is, like, look, I get, you know, commercials pay well, and it's like, actors that do commercials. What.

[Dan Soder]

That are coming up, whatever ecosystem.

[Ryan Seacrest]

But, like. Like, why or why are you doing this?

[Dan Soder]

Matthew McConaughey? You've got enough money, dude. We love you.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

You don't need to push AI on us.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I know.

[Dan Soder]

We understand all the AI that the Illuminati is pushing us towards. Singularity. But a lot of us aren't down with it.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I know that.

[Dan Soder]

It's like him being like, look at me, I'm sitting outside in the rain.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

How am I outside on the rain? Well, he's gonna be like, give in to your robot overlords. I know. When the robot soldiers come to my door, I'm there like. Like, want some potato salad? And they're like, all right. That's a weird thing to say.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

I gave them my wife. They're powered. Their oil is blood, just like us. Their oil is human blood, and they harvest our organs. Human wouldn't know to harvest my gallbladder. Yeah. Dude, AI is so scary.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Well, it's part of it's scary, but also part of it is, like, now everyone's calling everything AI. So, like, any. Like, you know what? Even remember, we were like, the AI chat bots or whatever, and it's like smarter child or whatever. It was just, like, some very, very simple programs. There's stuff that we've been using that they're just saying, now it's AI, or they'll just call every algorithm it's AI generated. And it's like, not everything. Can this stuff actually learn.

[Dan Soder]

That was like, when they would call everything truffle fries.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Are you actually using truffle Wagyu?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Every burger's wagyu. Now you got. Oh, really? That's what they've done today. Everywhere I go, I'm getting Kobe beef and dubuque. Oh, interesting. But they're. They're doing that with it.

[Dan Soder]

We're like, Shoney's has Kobe.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. It's mostly just a wave for. For corporations to steal from us.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And then it's like. It's just completely like. It's. It's laundering artwork and whatever and saying it's AI doing. And it's like, no, you're just stealing people's work. All those stupid drawings of Trump with big nipples or whatever. You're stealing someone on deviantarts work where they have big nipples and gay guys sucking each other's.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

It's like, we need to be paying those guys.

[Dan Soder]

Hey, I made that about my lover.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, there's. Yeah, the guy who draws Sonic is pregnant. It's like, oh, it's funny when we do. With Vladimir Putin's got Trump's baby. But that used to be Sonic having knuckles baby. And we got to pay that original artist.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. I don't want to watch Trump and Kamala bang. I want to see Marge hit. I want to see Marge get hit from the back by homie. I'm trying to watch Lois take on Peter and Quagmire.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. Lois getting fucked by Brian and he's jack jacked. He's got a huge jacked human body.

[Dan Soder]

For some reason, but his head and a white penis.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Which means.

[Dan Soder]

I guess.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You didn't really think this through.

[Dan Soder]

Man, you guys are so horny, you skip some important parts.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That would be funny if they did that. He's got a jacked human body, and then he's got that pink dog rocket dick. But it's awesome and huge.

[Dan Soder]

Dude, have you ever been, like, real close to a dog's penis? Like a red rocket? Like a.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Not really.

[Dan Soder]

It is. There's. There's something about it where you're like, I feel threatened.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

You just feel like it's animalistic because.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That thing's locked and loaded. It's like somebody. It's like one thing to be around a gun. It's nothing to be around a gun. Where the guy just went. The red rocket is. It's got the clip in the chamber.

[Dan Soder]

My brother in law and sister in law have this couple they're friends with. They're awesome, and they have this giant dog, and I don't know what the dog is. I want to say it's either a mastiff or it's okay.

[Ryan Seacrest]

So like a. You. You like a huge boy.

[Dan Soder]

Nuts on him.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, big nuts.

[Dan Soder]

Big nuts. Katie was petting him. We were in Chicago. Katie's petting him. This got bricked up like a human. It was a human. Like, I looked at it. I was like. I went like this son of a. I don't know, you know, Try to buy a couch. Than I. My living room. You go, pull. Massive's got a cop the same size as mine. It was. It was holy. And where I'm like, yo, hey.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I got red and pink.

[Dan Soder]

I got mad at him. I'm like, hey, bro.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And it was just a dog's dick. Like a huge.

[Dan Soder]

Like, we're talking like a.

[Ryan Seacrest]

We're talking like a. But it's shiny and red and wet.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah, dude. It was full.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Full red rocket.

[Dan Soder]

And it's not like a human guy. What do you work with? Yeah, what do you. You work with Henson Jim Hen people? You in a Henson dog suit with your hanging out. Just some guy. Well, today we're going to learn about. He takes the dog head off. He's like, just some scumbag from Chicago. I had a hair done. I swear to God. That guy was looking at me like he knew I was human, but his wife got me hair. I don't know. I don't know what you want me to tell you, bud. Your wife's got a great ass.

[Ryan Seacrest]

So what are we talking? Like, legitimately?

[Dan Soder]

Four solid, over six inches of dick.

[Ryan Seacrest]

No, this dog had a bigger dick than I have.

[Dan Soder]

You know what? I was across the room, so. Okay.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And you were threatened.

[Dan Soder]

Very.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You know, because it's your. It's your fiance in your head. You had it, like, about to go down.

[Dan Soder]

Man versus wolf.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dan Soder]

I'm honestly, Igor and Maggie are lucky I didn't grab a blade and go after that thing.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That's so fun. Because that's like.

[Dan Soder]

No, they're very sweet. Sweet also. They're very funny about it. They aren't like, you don't want dog owners that are weird about it. They were very funny, very cool about it. They're like, yeah, it's. We'll get. Hey. They, like, yell at him.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, stop being hard.

[Dan Soder]

And then he gets harder. Then he came.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, you idiot. He's like, stupid dog. Your ancestors used to keep us safe, and now you're. Now you're sad because we won't feed you boiled chicken.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, what, you want wet food?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Look what you've become. Sorry.

[Dan Soder]

He's gonna pop. He's gonna pop.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Guys, stand back.

[Dan Soder]

We're gonna put him on the porch. He's about to come. This dog's about to arc rope, dude. But one time, my old dog Montana, named after the greatest quarterback of all time.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Shout out to Montana.

[Dan Soder]

Red gold, fat red golden retriever fever. I was like, we. He had just been neutered. Like, just been neutered. But he still had some bullets in the chamber.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

And my mom, we were driving.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Goodbye bullets, dude. The last nut of his life.

[Dan Soder]

Dude, you got one bullet. Save it. He wrote. He wrote a. Denied.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Denied the pose.

[Dan Soder]

But he. My. We were my mom's old forerunner. And my mom was in the driver's seat, and I was, you know, obviously riding shotgun. Was like nine. And my mom was, like, scratching Montana's belly, and she was like, yeah, I don't know. Like, I can drop you off at football practice. And then I looked back, and this. This is the first time I saw, like, it was a red rocket.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

And I was like, montana's got a boner. My mom was like, oh, Montana. And I laughed so hard because your buddy got a boner on mom. You're like, yeah, you touching my dog's dick.

[Ryan Seacrest]

My mom was like, oh, you slut butt. You touch Montana. Well, that dog that you're talking about, you could. Sounds like you legitimately that dog.

[Dan Soder]

Yo. That's like, those women on the Internet do that.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

They like German shepherds and stuff.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I didn't realize their dicks were that big.

[Dan Soder]

Hell, yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I realized the dog's dick could get that big. Now I'm pissed off.

[Dan Soder]

Now you're mad at dogs. I'm a cat, man. Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

No cat's dick is that big.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

What's a Maine coon? Cat's dick. Look.

[Dan Soder]

They're like £30, I think. Think.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. Look at the first thing Elders Googles. There isn't much information about the average penis size of a making. Well, that's. Again, we're doing AI again, which, again, this is a great example. Google calls this AI and it's like all they're doing is just the first four things.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. Can I tell you that it kind of makes me happy we can't find this.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Me too, man.

[Dan Soder]

Still a part of the Internet where they go, what are you doing?

[Ryan Seacrest]

We also still. We still need experts sometimes. We still need to call up marriage experts.

[Dan Soder]

We don't need financial experts. We need cat Experts.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I also don't like the. These cats freak me out. Cats should be little.

[Dan Soder]

I want one so bad. A big Maine coon. Yeah. My grandma's cat was Hobbes. He was half orange tabby, half Maine coon. Oh, he's a big boy.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

He filled up a whole sink.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. I don't like that. Look at these. They look like monsters, dude.

[Dan Soder]

But my. My grandma had one with half a tabby, so he didn't have those ears.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Right.

[Dan Soder]

He looked like a regular cat with a big body.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. I just don't think cat should be. This cat should be little and cute. I want one like that, with that.

[Dan Soder]

I don't like cats. No, dude, that I genuinely feel like I'm being watched by them. I don't like, like it, but I think that's.

[Ryan Seacrest]

See, that's the thing. I think it's funny because it's like the whole vibe of a cat is if a cat. If you were the size of a cat and it was the size of you, he would kill you.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And that's funny is that like, haha, I have control over you. You're by life like you're this big. You have the same DNA as a line. But you.

[Dan Soder]

You have to eat tiny line.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You have to eat whatever the I give you.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And a couple rats. Whereas like this. The Maine coon is. It's not quite unmanageable. Obviously people have them as pets. Pets. But it's like it's starting to get too close to the tiger zone for my comfort.

[Dan Soder]

That's exactly true. He goes, if I have a problem, you're gonna have a problem.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. Like this guy could really you. An ornery Maine coon could really.

[Dan Soder]

You let a Siamese come at me, I'll toss that thing across the room like a rat.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I'll kick the.

[Dan Soder]

Out of a Maine coon. I.

[Ryan Seacrest]

It's a fight.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

It's an actual.

[Dan Soder]

You're at least going to work with scratches on you.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah. I remember I got scratched by. I tried. This was one of the first times in hindsight, I so clearly could have this girl. But I just. I was like 19 and I had not gotten. And I didn't know that I could, you know. And so she like invited me back to a place where she was. Where she was like. Because the date was going bad. So in my head it was like, I'm not hooking up with a girl. But I guess she was just like a good time. Right. So the day was going bad. And then she's like, yeah, you come back. And she was like, her vibes. She just didn't really feel like it or. I don't know. Maybe this is all in my head.

[Dan Soder]

Sure.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And just. It was just bad omen after bad omen where it's like we were gonna go see a movie and the like, tickets sold out or some. And then we're gonna go to a restaurant and it was like, closed and we went to some. We actually did go to a diner and it was like, this is like my chance to like. In hindsight, I'm like, wow, I blew it. And that's kind of my origin story of like. Because I also had a crush on this girl in college village. One of the worst boat. But then the. There was just like a. She was house sitting with someone and they had a little cat. And this thing me up, dude. Like, it would. It scratched me like three separate times. The point. She was just like, all right, I'm just gonna shut it in a different room. And like, that was like. It felt like an omen. I should just listen to that cat. Nothing good could have come of it. I like, I try. I kind of make a move and I just. I just blow it. So, so crazy.

[Dan Soder]

It was meant to be.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, but she had some. I did get to touch her titties, but I wish I would have her.

[Dan Soder]

Well, you got to touch your tits.

[Ryan Seacrest]

What were we talking about now? I'm just sad.

[Dan Soder]

So funny don't come out of it.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah. She's married now. I looked her up on Facebook a couple years ago when they got away.

[Dan Soder]

You definitely. Do you think she watches your.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I don't know. Maybe it's more like we. This was really early on in college, and then she just kind of disappeared.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. But there. I think you'd be surprised with how much of an imprint you make on people that maybe you don't think that's possible, you know?

[Ryan Seacrest]

It is. It's not even the one that got away. It's like that girl is like. She exists as like the. The like evidence that I'm just a fucking loser. You know what I mean? Like, like, like I now in hindsight, I'm like, even girls that, you know, it didn't go well with, whatever. I kind of. I would crush it with girls I liked, and I would figure out ways to, like, woo them or whatever. And I just blew it so hard with her.

[Dan Soder]

I've had a couple and like, absolute.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Botches, you know, And I like, clearly could have fucked her, you know, whatever. And I Just didn't. I didn't hook up, whatever. And I just completely fucked it up. And I just kind of want to be like, I'm. I can fuck now. I'm good. If I know how to pick up on signs. I would have never taken you a diner. I always want a nice. I want to take this woman. I want to ask her. I want to be like, hey, can you pause your marriage? You probably have kids by now, and let's just go to dinner in a movie and I'll.

[Dan Soder]

Let me show you.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And just. I just want it on the record. It's kind of like how even like a first girlfriend, I want to be like, I don't want. I don't want it on record how bad. I did 20 years. Like, yeah, I need you to just know I can better than that. No, you know, just.

[Dan Soder]

Just.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Just to know. And that's. That the first girl that. Oh, that's right. The cat scratched me. That's how we got here.

[Dan Soder]

But just the most. The most that was releasing.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I wish I had listened.

[Dan Soder]

She might have been married to her living in Maryland right now. You know what I mean? Like watching a podcast.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I would never marry. Let's be honest. I would have gotten to her.

[Dan Soder]

How are those titties?

[Ryan Seacrest]

They were awesome. They got huge tits. They were sick. Shout out to you. I won't say your name, but if you're divorced, holler at the boy.

[Dan Soder]

John Fish used to have my favorite joke about that where he was like, I'm in my late 30s. They're coming back around. Yeah, he's like. He goes, all the good ones that got. We got away. Yeah, they're coming back around.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Well, anyway, before I go into any more dark holes, why don't we give some advice?

[Dan Soder]

Oh, do you want to order that?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. Yeah, let's put that order in and get me just a side of beef steaky with tzatziki. I got a little salad, you know, I'm trying to keep.

[Dan Soder]

I love it. I love it, dude, Stay healthy. My man, my guy, my boy.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Side of me. Thank you. Inside of tzatziki.

[Dan Soder]

So funny that my sandwich is still up here.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That's beautiful.

[Dan Soder]

I'm like, I love you.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And get yourself something nice, Elvis. Oh, yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

So put that. Put that order in and play us a little call.

[Dan Soder]

Let's get nuts.

[Caller]

Hey, Savvy, Looking for advice from a male perspective?

[Dan Soder]

Sure.

[Caller]

I just want to have fun, nothing serious. And in a perfect world, I'd like to have a steady friends of benefit situation.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Sick.

[Caller]

But we always stop talking after the second or third meetup, and I have no idea why. And they always give me, like, very specific and super flattering compliments on my abilities. And then they tell me I'm super cool and that they'd love to be friends with benefits, but it never lasts. They always fizzled out. What the hell is going on?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Interesting, important question. Beef decky, Medium, Medium rare? Medium. Actually, there's. There's two kind of meat. You know what he wants to be thinking? I want a kebab. Okay. The kebab is without the cheese, but, yeah, medium. Friends with benefits. Interesting. Fries or rice?

[Dan Soder]

Fries.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Have you. Have you engaged in friends? Are you a friends with benefits guy? Have you been in these situations?

[Dan Soder]

I will tell you, I, For a long time did that, and now that I'm out, I realize the error of my ways.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Interesting.

[Dan Soder]

You are denying your emotions to connect. So it's like chewing food but not swallowing.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Interesting.

[Dan Soder]

Like you need to.

[Ryan Seacrest]

So you think. You think, like, in. You wanted to date the people or you were just with people that you didn't want to date or.

[Dan Soder]

What do you think? I think it was like I was putting myself in situations where I. I didn't have to hold myself accountable. I didn't have to make a connection. Yes. I didn't have to be intimate.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yes.

[Dan Soder]

I could just bang with a weird lifeless stare, get the physical pleasure of it, and then get out of there. But there was no connection. There was no. Yeah, there was no. Like, I didn't grow from it. But that sometimes is gonna cause pain. That's what dating is.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, totally. It's. It is. And I will say most of these. The part of this problem is what you want. It's cool to want something, right? Just like, just, you know, no strings attached, sex, whatever. I've been in plenty of these situations, and some of them have been awesome because we legit. Both liked each other and see each other, but not. Neither one of us wanted to date the other. And like, if you.

[Dan Soder]

If I've had a couple of those. And those are great, but they're pretty.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Much friends that you all that also suck you off. And that's all. That's a cool friend.

[Dan Soder]

But you are by definition making a temporary situation.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Exactly. That's the.

[Dan Soder]

Cannot hold the plank that long.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And that's. And I think part of it is like. And usually it's one person likes the other person more.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And someone. Either you're gonna get hurt or they're gonna get hurt in the long run.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And very. And even in the situation. Yeah. Even the situations when it's like, you know, I've been, I've had a friends with benefit situation, whatever, and the person gets a serious partner, like you're a little, you're, you know, you're a little bummed.

[Dan Soder]

You're like, ah, I've been on both sides of it. I've been on, I've watched someone get a serious partner and you're like, well, all right. And then when you get a serious partner, you go there really? Like, no, no, this just works. This is the thing that works for me.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, exactly.

[Dan Soder]

I also love that she's being debriefed in a very flattering way. Where they go, we're letting you go, but top your top shelf work the.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Head top, if you catch my drift, was the top.

[Dan Soder]

You made me bust serious nuts. And to that I just want to thank you. Give her a handshake.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. Take this water tote bag for this company logo.

[Dan Soder]

We got a company logo, Stanley, for you. And good luck out there. You know, Hope you don't, Hope you don't get herpes.

[Ryan Seacrest]

So I guess the thing to think about is, yes, these are temporary. These are like little moments in time where in the, the best case scenario for this is you run into somebody who wants the exact same thing as you at the exact same time and you both. It fizzles out for both of you.

[Dan Soder]

When you meet someone serious at the right time. Right.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Like, like. But that's really rare.

[Dan Soder]

That is really syncing up. That is, yeah, very difficult. And you're going to go through pain because one of you, no matter who you're doing this situation with, someone's going to be hurt.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Well, it sounds like she's pretty set on not. It sounds like the guys will be the ones that are hurt.

[Dan Soder]

Right.

[Ryan Seacrest]

She's pretty set on just not on wanting a friends benefits thing. So.

[Dan Soder]

But I actually disagree because she's says, but it never lasts. But what she want, they tell me I'm super cool that they love to be friends with benefits, but it never lasts.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, she. I don't think she wants to date them. She just wants once a week to them or whatever, every 10 days.

[Dan Soder]

What guys, what single guy is turning that down? If you're even somewhat attracted to the girl?

[Ryan Seacrest]

That's, I mean some that do that think they want to do it. Because that's the other thing we say that guys, every guy wants that. A lot of guys don't want that. A lot of guys are, are more fragile than they want to let on. Like, it's like.

[Dan Soder]

It's like fighting. It's like. I remember the first time I loved action movies growing up, wwe. I loved boxing. And then the first time you're around a fight.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

You're like. You're like, why am I. Why do I feel this in my body?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Don't treat him that way. I do like going to fights, but. I know, but a real fight.

[Dan Soder]

The first time you heard. Heard it.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

You're like, ah, the smack. And people are like, yeah, friends with benefits, I guess. I got. Yeah, people, I bet.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And then she ignores your text twice, and you're like, huh, yeah. But if I just nutted in you.

[Dan Soder]

I bet people are like that with. I bet that happens a lot with swingers where they're like, you want to swing? And then someone bangs their wife, he goes, stop.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, definitely, dude. Yeah, definitely. Like, cucks. There's. There's got to be cucks that just, like, haul off. Realize. Yeah, absolutely. That cuck chair's probably seen a lot of the beginnings of a lot of mental breakdowns.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah, that's a steam plant. People are getting steamed in that chair. So that absolutely is what it is in every hotel, right?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Definitely the cuck chair, dude.

[Dan Soder]

But, like, do you think, like, Hilton is like, it's not. It's for reading.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Perverts just look at porn on your phone all the time.

[Ryan Seacrest]

It's the fucking cuck chair, bro. They have. There's a reason they're everywhere. And so, yeah, all I would say is this is just what this is. And you're just. It is like, date. It's still at the end of the day, Finding someone for any relationship, whether that's a long term serious one or finding somebody who you align with is hard no matter what.

[Dan Soder]

It's the hardest.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And it's funny because I think you're right. Right. Guys who, like, we're like, well, what guy doesn't want that? What guys actually want to do is mistreat women. Like, what? What?

[Dan Soder]

Like, what they want to do is they want to take them for granted.

[Ryan Seacrest]

They want to take them for.

[Dan Soder]

They want to be like, I got this one in my. Yeah, this one's never leaving me. They're doing this. And also, I want to go get new.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And I bet you if she wasn't so upfront, if these guys just thought she was like a. Like a girl that might want to date the him, it would last longer than when she was just like. But you. We're not saying you Know, deceit to get. To get friends with benefits. Don't do that. But that's what I do think. A lot of guys aren't. Aren't built for it. So you just got to keep and sucking until you. You settle into something you like.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah, dude, keep trying out those baseball gloves until you find one that fits your palm. Dude, put some oil on it.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, I don't know.

[Dan Soder]

There you go. This one. This one's.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Oh, yeah, this one's it.

[Dan Soder]

This one. The flapping. Oh, that's good.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Dude.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I remember just being a kid, like, I. I played like, rec league soft. Not even baseball softball. And truly the best part was just getting the glove, oiling it up. And I was. And played the game. I was like, sucks.

[Dan Soder]

I suck at this.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I suck at this.

[Dan Soder]

I can't hit baseball. But, man, having a good mitt but.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Just be a little, like, felt awesome. That's the most American I ever felt was like, oiling up my gloves, playing cash, snapping a catch. All right, El, what else we got?

[Dan Soder]

Hold on. I can't find a loose kebab on the seamless menu. You want a sausage or something?

[Ryan Seacrest]

What do you mean you can't find a loose kebab?

[Dan Soder]

D. This is where I see the money's gone to your head. I'm back home telling K, I.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Just look for some kind of extras, whatever. And if you. I swear, you can add a kebab or some. Or like a loose souvlaki or something like that. And if you can't figure it out, whatever I have, I have meal prepped. Chicken and rice over there.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah, they. My doctor had to do readings on my liver because how are we looking? I don't. I got something going on with it, but I had to do blood tests. And then he was like, on vacation. He's like, oh, your blood test will come through on the email so you can look at him to see what's going on. I was like, great. And I signed in. And they're like, you need to verify this offline. And you're like, then why the are we doing this?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, that sucks.

[Dan Soder]

What the.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And it also just makes you worry, like, is it so bad that.

[Dan Soder]

Email me.

[Ryan Seacrest]

The more. The more things you have to. Even if it's like a test, like, I just got test. You know, I got. I did the same thing where I did all my tests test. And even if it's just like an STD test, which I was like, positive. I was clean. It was like. Until you hear them say it you're like, yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Because there could just be a moment where they go, so we did find something.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Dude, diabetes and, like, STDs. I would never be surprised if it popped up so funny. And I'm lucky it hasn't. Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

What's funny is, at first I was like. He's like, yeah, your liver functions. I'm like. And he goes, did you do, like, a dry January then? Come off it. I was. Was like, no, I haven't drank in 12 years.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Oh, my God.

[Dan Soder]

He's like, oh, we got to look into this.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Oh, no, dude. He thought you had a fresh drunk sliver. That's not good.

[Dan Soder]

No.

[Ryan Seacrest]

So damn those. Those.

[Dan Soder]

I might. I might be back. If he's like, it's terminal. I'll be like, well, then I'm gonna go out. Yeah. I'm just foaming out of my mouth. What was that, Doc?

[Ryan Seacrest]

God damn, dude.

[Dan Soder]

Dude.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Well, you know, you're gonna. You're plastering with flying colors, man. Don't you worry. If I don't have diabetes, your liver's fine. Hey, stop. Hey, Elvis and esteemed guest, I'm gonna just cut to the chase. So I fell in love with this guy that I jerked off at a Korean spa. So we met at the spa, and I jerked him off under the water in the hot tub area. That's romantic. And after that, we exchanged numbers, started chatting. Come to find out, we actually have a good connection. You know, fast forward six months. We've, you know, we go on trips together. We've gone camping. We've. We've met each other as parents and as friends, quote, unquote, friends from work. And we've been seeing each other almost every weekend. Every other weekend. We live about an hour and a half, two hours apart. But we've been, you know, meeting half Lubin, making it work, making halfway at the spa, and it's been great.

[Dan Soder]

Every time.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You know, Every time, you know, we go hiking together, fishing. We've been in nudist resorts. We've been living it up, having a blast. My problem is he refuses to consider us as dating, even though we do everything that, like, a dating couple would do. Oh, no. And he's not out to his family.

[Dan Soder]

Oh.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And he has no intention of coming out to his parents. And he's 45, so I feel like at this point, he's just never gonna come out. And every time I try to bring it up or every time we talk about it, we just. It gets really emotional. You know, we start crying and shit, because we want to be together, but he doesn't want to come out to his Mormon parents. Oh, come on. And also, he's kind of suspicious that I'm just like a hoe because the first time we met, I jerked him off immediately in the, in the hot tub. So this guy's not, he's clearly not a part of gay culture and wondering if I should hold on and hope that he eventually comes out to his parents and we can be together happily or I should just move on and find something else. But I'd really be sad to let this go. Anyway, hopefully y'all can give me another perspective. Thanks. Yeah, that's tough. I mean, this is exactly kind of we were talking about with the last call where it's like, if you just led someone on, you could have a friend's friend with benefits for a year and a half. But if you were straightforward and said you want one, they might be weird.

[Dan Soder]

About it, but this guy probably would have dipped way earlier. Yeah, she's like, let's be friends with benefits.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, because especially, well, especially the guy he's talking to, this 45 year old Mormon. He. He clearly has to, like, he can't be upfront about anything. He just kind of has to be slowly coaxed into doing gay. Although it does sounded like he jerked him off pretty fast. But like, even the dating and the other thing, it's like he's not himself. He's not, like, being honest with who he is.

[Dan Soder]

It's weird to meet his parents under the guise that you're his friend. When you're like going away and that you have this fantastic connection and you go on all these vacations together, you're falling in love. Which is something he didn't say, but it's pretty obvious from the voicemail.

[Ryan Seacrest]

For sure.

[Dan Soder]

He's like falling in love with this guy and this guy's going like, yeah, I'm just not gonna shake the bottom boat. I'm not going to get out of the boat.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That's a great point. He said they met each other's parents, didn't he, Eldis?

[Dan Soder]

Yes, friends. As. As friends.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Oh, as friends.

[Dan Soder]

So that's weird because it's like his parents, you hope they know. You hope a parent's intuition is strong enough. Like the mom goes like, I've always known you were gay. Yeah, but it's funnier if they don't. And they go like, hey, did you notice like a weird electricity between Mike and Corey?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. They're in the finals of their finish football. They're right. They're finished. Football rivals the championships this week.

[Dan Soder]

Growing up in Provo grab ass. Played a little. Made a little something else.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. That sucks. It sucks because you know the problem is, is that they are. He's Mormon, so they're very Mormon and.

[Ryan Seacrest]

They can't at the same time. And look, whatever we got, we have to. Sure there's pro. There's. I'm not coming out as hard. I'm. It's everyone's personal decision. Whatever, whatever. But at the same time, he can choose to do that and that sucks. I feel bad for him because he's letting you know his parents hang ups and beliefs fuck his. His life up. It's his choice if he wants to be that tragic guy that never gets to live his life. But you can't be that guy.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah, don't fall into his trap.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You can't do that. Like this is like you have to go back in the closet because your boyfriend doesn't want to piss off his fucking parents. Parents. Are they rich or something? Are you gonna inherit like, you know, like part of the Mormon temple? Like what are you. What are we talking about? What. What is he doing this for?

[Dan Soder]

I think you make the best point, which is what is the end game?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

What are you gonna. Are you gonna be happy? Does this guy make you happy enough to live in the shadows and, and drag this along? Or is a little sadness gonna take you a longer way where you break it off with this guy and then the next guy you jerk off in a hot tub might be the one. See if that glass sandal fits. See if that fucking wet hot job works.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, I mean, yeah, I think you can't. You can't. A big theme of our show is like not allow. Don't. If people want to live in. If people want to like live in their fantasy, that's up to them. If they want to lie to themselves. But don't let people lie to you. And he's sort of forcing you to like lie about your life because he doesn't want to. And like, is there some. Is it just. He doesn't want to disappoint his parents? Like, is he doing this for anything? I hate to go back to the. The inherit thing, but it's like if these. The only way I would say even maybe think about it is if his parents are old as.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. They're about to die.

[Ryan Seacrest]

If they're old as and you're gonna inherit something big.

[Dan Soder]

Like, I think if they're just old. Then just, you know, even then it's.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Like, dude, what are you doing? You gotta like. And I hate to say this because he would be very sad. And you. You shouldn't, like, you know, your life isn't to get. Teach this guy a lesson. But maybe what spurs this man out of the closet is you being like, I don't want to feel like I'm in the closet. I love you. I want to build a life together and I don't want to be. This is crazy. I can't lie about who I am. So either you're honest or we have to end this relationship.

[Dan Soder]

I mean, I think you're right. You might draw them out if you go like, I can't do this.

[Ryan Seacrest]

But you also can't depend. Don't. Don't do it as a way of like, bluffing. No, you have to truly be.

[Dan Soder]

Be ready to move on.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You have to really, truly be ready.

[Dan Soder]

And honestly, when you move on like that and you make a giant decision that is gonna hurt. Hurt and will take some time to get over, usually the universe rewards you.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Usually you find someone that is out that you love, that you can build with. You know what I mean?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Instead of this, whatever this is. Because this isn't a relationship.

[Ryan Seacrest]

No.

[Dan Soder]

You're in love with him and he's just hiding you.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And that's the other thing. It's like we also don't know. That's the other part. Thing about this is like, is this guy using this as a shield to prevent further seriousness? Like, he could be.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I hate to be. I hate to be like, suspicious and say that he is stringing you along and he's using this as a. And I'm sure it's not. I mean, I'm sure nobody wants to stay in the closet. But I will say a silver lining of staying in the closet is if you were. If you were serious relationship averse. You could just always be like, hey, my parents. I can't do it because of my parents.

[Dan Soder]

Imagine if guys could do that.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That.

[Dan Soder]

Here you go. Sorry, I can't tell my mom I like.

[Ryan Seacrest]

She. She wants me to suck. I have to suck.

[Dan Soder]

I have to fake it.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I have a fake boyfriend. I his ass.

[Dan Soder]

This is my friend Katie.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, we both love sports.

[Dan Soder]

I go, mom, she's my bride. I'm sc. No, I love her tits. I love her ass.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You. You have disgraced this family.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, my God. I thought you were a queen. You're a fraud.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Dan. Sashay away.

[Dan Soder]

I'm gonna Stomp away and spit.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Oh, dude, this poor guy.

[Caller]

Hi. Stuff. So I'll just get right to it.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Thank you.

[Caller]

I'm a senior in college currently and I live with four other people. We all rent a house together.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Nice.

[Caller]

And there's this one roommate who he's got a bit of a drinking problem and it gets to the point a lot where he pisses himself.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Oh, no, this is probably.

[Caller]

I've lived with these people for two years now. I've probably witnessed him piss himself like, I don't know, maybe like eight times.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, wow, that's quarterly.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Eight times in two years.

[Dan Soder]

He does quarterly pisses.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Eight times in two years is crazy.

[Dan Soder]

That's wild.

[Caller]

Maybe less, but around there. And I don't know what to do. The other roommates have tried to talk to him about his drinking issues. We even at one point, like, decided not to drink with him and not partake while he was partaking. That didn't really seem to do anything.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Oh, you don't say. Pause this. The guy who pisses himself regularly didn't bend to a little bit of social pressure.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah, it was this. He went, okay, we're not drinking with you tonight. He goes, cool, more for me. Well, guess I'm gonna have more piss on my sheets then. Hey, your mouth to my sheets. Take a leak.

[Caller]

So the pissing is really annoying. Yeah, it's gotten all over our stuff.

[Dan Soder]

What is he, a puppy?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Caller]

So, like, I don't know what to do. I don't know how involved that should get. It's obviously a problem, but it's kind of gross, so.

[Dan Soder]

Thanks. He's an alcoholic who has been sober 12 years, but apparently has a dinged up liver. This guy 100, has a drinking problem. His body can't control it. Dude, it is. I quit drinking when I was 29 years old, right? It was pretty obvious I was out of drinking problems since I was like 19. When you show signs of a drinking problem at 19, you are drinking at a level that other 19 year olds are going, yeah, what the. That is 21 year old, 22 year olds going like, dude, that's the craziest.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Part is that, like, you usually get until 23 when it becomes obvious you're an alcoholic. You're still at the age where it's cool to be that up.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, he goes so hard. He pisses himself.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If he only piss himself like once a year, great. It would be like he's like, oh, yeah, dude, this guy gets so up, he'll piss himself.

[Dan Soder]

Yo, he's like, punctsutawney Phil. He pisses himself six more weeks of winter.

[Ryan Seacrest]

So, yeah, the fact that you've gotten to the point where this is a problem is crazy.

[Dan Soder]

It's a drinking problem. You have to decide right now how close you are with this guy, because you. Here's the thing about drinking. They're not going to listen if they don't want to listen.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Well, that's what I. That's. That's. The point is, like, look, your college roommate. And this is another theme that comes up on the show. It's like, there are people. There are different, like, stations of life. You know what I mean? It's like you can ride with everybody. Like, everyone's on the same train in college. And it's like, yeah, I fucking love. Phil's the fucking man. And then it's like, you know, and then you get the stop. Graduation is the stop, and you won't see most of the people. Most of the people you went to college, and there's people get off that train.

[Dan Soder]

There's people that you know and you care about that within seven years ago. I'm fine. Never talking to them.

[Ryan Seacrest]

If they died. If they died in excruciating pain. There are people who I like, maybe my. You know, that you thought were your best friends when you were 19, that it's like, if. If they had a horrible death, you would be like, oh, man. You wouldn't, like, cry. You'd be like. Like, oh, no.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. What do you want to get for dinner?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm telling you, if you keep scrolling, Elvis, you'll find. Find it.

[Dan Soder]

You scroll.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Kebabs are down there.

[Dan Soder]

You scroll and you go like, oh, man. Oh, my friend died.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Do you want to get Chinese food? Like, it's like that kind of thing.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And so this is a huge example of, like, the guys who party too much. Those guys usually get off the light that your train of life, they get off at the stop around 23, you know, 24.

[Dan Soder]

Because he makes this kind of. This behavior to 41. And, like, people that he works with that don't know him are calling people.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah, right, right, right, right.

[Dan Soder]

They're going like, Jason has a real bad problem.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

He comes to work. We know it. Yeah, I work in hr. I've only seen him out.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Do you know who in his fan. They don't even know.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

They're just.

[Dan Soder]

Are you his wife?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. Like, yeah, yeah. Are you his wife? No. His daughter's like. And they have to do the master to do this. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Sorry to be the one that did. You are his college roommate.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

All you can do, and this is in your jurisdiction, all you can do is go stop pissing everywhere.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Well what you can do. Yeah. What your jurisdiction is if it gets on your stuff. He owes you money.

[Dan Soder]

Yes.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Like that's it.

[Dan Soder]

And then you, then what you do is you won't be able to convince him to quit drinking, but you can shame the out of this guy.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, that's true. You can make fun of him for pissing himself.

[Dan Soder]

Hey, look who it is. It's little baby. Yeah, it's baby boy. Oh, look at. It's the little cousin from home alone that's drinking Pepsi. He's going to wet himself.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You give him a bottle filled with like natural natty ice.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. Or just pissing his stuff.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. Piss on his piss. Yeah, you could piss on him and he would think it's himself.

[Dan Soder]

That's the other side of the college roommate thing. Like man, I remember we literally pissed on the guy. Guys who we hated roommates. It was awesome. It felt so much better than getting.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Like that guy was a piece of.

[Dan Soder]

They're getting any money we were owed. Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You wrote like his up while he's.

[Dan Soder]

While he's not in the house. If he ever wants it or something. He'll be like, yeah, it's on the lawn.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I don't give a.

[Dan Soder]

These people are in a home with three other adults. Adults. This is hostile living.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

You are in a hostel right now. It's a nice hostel, but hostile rules. Yeah, you're absolutely right. Their upset on your stuff. His stuff up.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And she's a senior, right?

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. So you're almost out.

[Ryan Seacrest]

So that's the thing. It's like if you were a junior, I'd be like, well first of all, this is your fault for living with him.

[Dan Soder]

Again, like there absolutely had to be a notice. Someone did go. Like, Sammy's got like a bad drinking problem.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Well, I know I, and listen, I know where she's at because like you think your roommates, you think your college roommates. It feels sacred.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

When you're fucking 20, you're 19, you're.

[Dan Soder]

Like, that's my roommate.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Dude. We started in the dorms together. Now now we're. You go from the dorms to like the nice apartment on campus to like, dude, we're in an off campus house like this. We can't ruin it now. Like it feels like a marriage or whatever. And like you, you, you got to It. But it's like, it isn't sacred. If there's. If there's a guy that's annoying your sophomore year, don't move with him off camp. And it's like, look and don't live.

[Dan Soder]

With someone that deals drugs for free. Drugs. I cannot stress this enough. It will end poorly.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Did you get swatted?

[Dan Soder]

Man, I got robbed. I got it. Look up Dan Soder hogtie story on YouTube. It's all true.

[Ryan Seacrest]

True. So, yeah, I mean, in terms of, like, what to tell him about his drinking. He's not. He's a senior in college. He's not going to aaa.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. He's not gonna be like this. You put it the way you put it.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

I think I gotta change my life.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Like this. I wear diapers now.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all good. I got depends. You can't even tell.

[Dan Soder]

Rubber sheets. I might as well, because that piss slides right off.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, no, this is the. This is the guy who just buys sheets in bulk now.

[Dan Soder]

Well, guess what? The tariffs ain't hit China yet. I bought six sets of.

[Ryan Seacrest]

He takes an extra student alone to buy more sheets so he doesn't have to do laundry.

[Dan Soder]

Sally Mae for 17, 000. So all my sheets combined.

[Ryan Seacrest]

So. Yeah. I don't know, man. You're just kind of. This is what happened. This. You've made it, you know, Know. Yeah, it's over now. By the time this episode comes out, you'll pretty much be done. You'll be graduated. Yeah. But, you know, good luck and let that be a lesson. I mean, it's funny. This is the kind of guy who, like, usually starts embarrassing himself at like. Like when a friend brings him as a plus one to a wedding and he has diarrhea. Like, you know, he's just like in.

[Dan Soder]

A flower pot at first. He's aggressively dancing.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Right.

[Dan Soder]

Who brought. Got him.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Well, it starts fun and it's like, oh, that guy's great. And then like an hour and it's like.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah, sweating too much. Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You get the literal. Whose man's is this? Yeah, you get that if you get a. Whose man is this? In a white function.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. Yo, go get. Come get your guy.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, he's chugging his crayon vodka feverishly.

[Dan Soder]

While he's waiting in line.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. He's like, it's open bar.

[Dan Soder]

I went to college with him.

[Ryan Seacrest]

He's like, we don't wait. We don't have to tip. He's like, stoked. It's not cash bar.

[Dan Soder]

And then that's when you're eating a dessert, talking to your friend and someone comes over, he goes, he's. He's hitting on Amber. He comes over, what do you want, buddy? I'd your up. I still have balance.

[Ryan Seacrest]

God damn, dude. All right, what else we got? L.D.

[Caller]

Hey, Stavi. You seem like. Like someone who's pretty emotionally mature but has had a good amount of sex. And I don't have a lot of male figures in my life where I can immediately talk shamelessly about sex. But I'm a 19 year old university student who's a virgin. This guy I dated when I was 17 in high school. Confessed to me again after we hung out again.

[Ryan Seacrest]

He confessed and I.

[Caller]

And I held his hand and kissed him. Very innocent stuff. But he seems way more into me after I reflected of it. But I said, I'm not ready to date because I'm really not. I just got out of something that was just me being obsessed with this other guy. So romance is kind of out of the picture for me. I probably shouldn't have kissed him, but I really wanted to. In the moment. Twice.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You feel bad cuz you kissed a guy who. Who confessed his love to you? You. This is adorable.

[Dan Soder]

Sweet, sweet baby angel. Listen to me. This is like there is a big bad world out there. You're gonna pray for these kind of problems when you're 35.

[Ryan Seacrest]

This is literally like a baby being.

[Dan Soder]

Like, this is what I wish.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I. I have a girlfriend in kindergarten, but I held a different goal. But a different girl gave me a cupcake and I said, thank you. And she said, now I'm your girlfriend. I said, okay, but now my other girlfriend's mad, but we were supposed to.

[Dan Soder]

Do a science project together. But then she said I could. This when you want to stub out a cigarette and go, honey loves a. I'm gonna tell you right now, that certainly is gonna buck you about 48 times. This is the kind of advice you wish you could just give as Sam Elliott. Where you go, well, sometimes. Well, love is a mean sometimes. Well, dude, sometimes you eat the bear. Well, sometimes the bear eats you. Just keep your cooter covered.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Make them wear rubber.

[Dan Soder]

Just make sure it ain't lamb skin either. I don't care how good it feels. You're paying a price if you feel warmth. You got a lady opening up her little flesh purse for you. Better bag it up.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Okay, so let's f. Let's. That's so funny. But let's hear her. Her whole call out, no, no, I.

[Dan Soder]

Don'T like a Boy, whoa.

[Caller]

I feel bad because he said I'm perfect in his mind and we're quote, unquote, end game. But no one that you think is endgame when you're 19 is going to be end game. That's just not how that works.

[Dan Soder]

Although she knows that I never heard.

[Caller]

Anybody use that word before or outside of movies. And honestly, I do find him attractive. He's super kind and sweet, but I don't think about him outside of being with him in person. Meanwhile, he said he hasn't been able to stop beating about me for like a year now. I had no idea. Anyways, basically, I want to, but I don't know if it's morally correct to him, even though I want to. Really just want to explore myself. And just to be honest, yeah, this is the age of size that I'm doing absolutely nothing. It feels like, like a waste. Sure, he made a few jokes about wanting to hook up, but mostly seems like he wants to hold hands and, like, kick his feet, which is not a bad thing. But it's a bit crazy. I don't know, it's a bit crazy that he thought about me so much. And I disagree Anyways, right? I. I probably should have thought about it. Whatever. I'm 19. But it's sweet.

[Dan Soder]

He's.

[Caller]

He's a kind guy. But I'm also thinking about the guy he obsessed with. As well know, he currently has a girlfriend, so he's out of the picture. I don't know. So what should I do? Is it morally correct to. How does one get dicked? I'm bisexual. I don't know how to get either.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You're fine.

[Caller]

I'm allergic. Computer science. Virgin, I guess. Very innocent. Okay. I get innocent, romantic confessions from people, but I don't want romance.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I want.

[Caller]

I don't want to break hearts. I don't know how this works. Although everyone I mentioned is Turkish.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Everyone's into, well, you got to get out.

[Caller]

I think it's funny.

[Ryan Seacrest]

But you absolutely got to get out of there.

[Caller]

Please help me.

[Dan Soder]

Well, at least he's not 27.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, go.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, baby, you're in danger.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you in danger. Get.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah, I'm going to tell you right now, the sweetheart. Yeah, the sweetheart. Because what you're going to do is he's gonna learn how to emotionally connect to his penis, which is gonna be very valuable 10 to 15 years down the road.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Well, I'll say this right. I like that she. She's basically her. Her hang up is she knows. She doesn't Want to date this guy?

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Look, I was once an overly romantic 19 year old who was dying for pussy.

[Dan Soder]

I could, I mean, same. I could tell you all the songs. I looked out of windows.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, right. And if this. And look, maybe you think it's wrong to fuck him without thinking you want to be in a serious relationship. If there is one thing I could do with a time machine, that maybe my whole life's different. Maybe I don't have to prove. My whole life has been trying to prove that I can fuck and that I'm cool and like, I've been doing things for attention from women my entire life because I didn't get pussy at 19. If you go back in time and find. Find a nice girl with fat tits to me when I was 19, I would do that before I would kill baby Hitler.

[Dan Soder]

I'm gonna tell you right now, history.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Is going to create another Hitler. Yeah. That's how these things work. No one's gonna make me not a loser.

[Dan Soder]

What do you want me to get rid of? Economics. But I'll tell you right now, you're absolutely right. If I would have not farted in front of that girl Sarah at my dorm.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

And she was grossed out because she had giant fat titties and she was very sweet and nice.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

And we would have had sex where I been able to emotionally open up and connect.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Right.

[Dan Soder]

My 20s and 30s would have been way better.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Not even open up, just have sex.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Like, you know what I mean?

[Dan Soder]

Like, But I mean, that's why, like I. I never thought I was valuable emotionally until I was older. I was like. I started getting sex because I was drinking and you were out slamming into people.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dan Soder]

But then you're like, it would have been nice if you. This guy's very.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Some kind of connection. You kissed him.

[Dan Soder]

You're in. Think he's sweet. You kiss them. You guys hold hands. You guys do that cute fight. Let that be his path to sex. Not like why I'm so into the WWE divas.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Right, Right.

[Dan Soder]

Which they're like, I was broken by a man bigger and meaner than you.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Well, I have a penis.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Right, right, right. Yeah. Yes, yes. And look, ultimately that. Basically what I'm saying is if you're worried about hurting this guy, we can.

[Dan Soder]

Tell he will, he is resilient.

[Ryan Seacrest]

We can tell you. Yes.

[Dan Soder]

You give him a little pussy, he will bounce from that fall.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yes. If you want this. And it does sound like this is a pretty nice kind of no state, low stakes, you know, she's already talking about being obsessed with some guy with a girlfriend. You don't want to start going that way. That's a bad route, you know? Like, this seems like a nice, easy thing. This. Don't punish the guy for being too into you if you really want to. If. If you're into it, which it sounds like. She even said she wanted to fuck him, right?

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. So I just want to.

[Ryan Seacrest]

If you told him, like, hey, I'm not looking for anything serious, but I really like spending time with you. I find you attractive. Like, I'd like to hook up, whatever.

[Dan Soder]

Also, you're giving him your virginity, which is like, he will feel special even if you don't date for the rest of his life.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That's frontier. That's frontier logic. Right? There I go.

[Dan Soder]

When a woman is pure, when you're ever to deflore.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That counts for four. Other. One virgin counts for four. Sullied.

[Dan Soder]

Breaking a hyman does mean that she is your prairie wife.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, but I'll say. Here's what I'll say. Your. Your instincts are correct here. This is the age to do, you know? To do. You said you'd be getting a lot of innocent, like, confessions of life, love, you know, people are, I think, airing on the side of innocent. Nice sort of like sweet stuff to kind of get your foot in the door and also realize what you want sexually and also demystify it. And like. And this is, like. This is nice because this is almost like the tutorial level of a video game.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You're in no danger whatsoever. You're learning how to play the buttons. Yeah. You're learning what B does.

[Dan Soder]

You're like, show me how you jump.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. Hey, show me how to suck dick.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, that's pretty cool.

[Ryan Seacrest]

How would I. Oh, like this. Nice.

[Dan Soder]

R1 and S. Nice.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Nice. Super punk.

[Dan Soder]

Super punk. Watch out, I'm gonna bust.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I'm busting. I'm busting. Tits, ass, belly, mouth. Where would you like me to blow it?

[Dan Soder]

Give this sweet boy. Give this sweet boy your. Your unblemished, punished. Give them the purity that's known as untapped bisexual. I mean, yeah, this is Colorado.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And by the way, it's like, I'm trying to be as professional as possible. This is like this girl, like, wrote in a porn category. This is like a porn, like, sweet nerd with fat tits just wants to get. And I'm like, okay, just do what's best for you.

[Dan Soder]

So I'm at home putting baby oil on my big bouncy boobs and I wonder why won't nice boys bang me?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Like, just, just hang out with a nice guy.

[Dan Soder]

She goes, I'm 19.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Don't come to a show, please.

[Dan Soder]

I'm barely legal and I'm very horny. I'm also a night nurse. What?

[Ryan Seacrest]

So look, this is like, basically don't. I guess our advice is don't overthink it. Take things slow. This is a guy who might be a little too into you if you really want to be. If you're just up front and you're like, you know, I don't want anything serious, whatever, then you've done your due diligence. Right? But I just say, like, in the moment, you wanted to kiss him. Now you want to him a little bit. And how do you get it? You'll figure it out.

[Dan Soder]

And p. S. He's gonna come so fast, so quickly. The second time, he's gonna the out of you. Yeah, but the first time. Time. Let the boy blow.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Let him.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

And then the, the parade of apologies.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dan Soder]

And then get ready for round two, because he'll be 19. He'll be ready to go the second the come leaves his dick.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Totally. And by the way, what you're saying is, if you were like, hey, I like you. I like, you know, I, I, I like spending time with you. I think you're attractive. I'm at a point in my life where I just want to explore sexually, like, again.

[Dan Soder]

What guys.

[Ryan Seacrest]

If I'm 19 and a hot girl that I have a crush on, I think I love says that to me, I'm gonna, it's, it's like I'm a.

[Dan Soder]

Devout Christian after that because I believe in God.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. Yeah. It's like buying a. Something you can't afford on a credit card. You're like, I'll figure it out. When she breaks up with me. I just have to her five times.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Delivered 90 interest rate.

[Dan Soder]

Great.

[Ryan Seacrest]

No problem. No problem.

[Dan Soder]

No problem.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You know what I mean?

[Dan Soder]

Like that first sporting event at home, like, it's like a mayor.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. But it's, you're, it's good.

[Dan Soder]

You're thinking you're a good person.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You're a good person. And, and start sweet because it sounds like you're per. You also sound like the kind of person that, like, you know, you might be in like, you sound like prey basically for, like, for, like, for people that want to, like, mistreat sweet hot sex.

[Dan Soder]

Should be a lot of you guys saying hi to each other. While he's inside of you should be a lot of like. Hi.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And it's interesting because she clearly, if my guess is she wants to break out of that innocence. Like maybe this is something that she's been up against her whole life. She wants to go like Christine Aguilera dirty.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah, she's gunpowder. She's a keg of gunpowder.

[Ryan Seacrest]

So. But like, don't rush it. Take your time with it and you'll get, you'll learn all that stuff. Like you'll figure out what you like and you know, enjoy the tutorial level for a little bit. If it's not this guy, guys like this, whatever.

[Dan Soder]

And if the guy you're going to is watching this, you just struck gold, my friend.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Absolutely.

[Dan Soder]

You just hit a vein of gold.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, but you know, you're, you're worried about like, how do I get dick? How do I get. It's like you're already saying like multiple people confess their love to you. You have big ass tits and you're a computer science major. Like everyone you're in a class with wants to.

[Dan Soder]

You probably the professor wants to.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah. Him most of all. All.

[Dan Soder]

He's like, yeah, you're Jesus Christ, it's triple Ds. I lost my wife two years ago going through it. She like, it just sucks cuz I can't find anybody to pound my. And he goes.

[Ryan Seacrest]

He'S like, just one more year and then I get 10. Tenure.

[Dan Soder]

Tenure.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Don't do anything crazy. So you get tenure, you're gonna move to Switzerland. Oh man. Good luck. You'll be fine.

[Dan Soder]

Jobless and salah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Oh, oh, baby. What else we got? Little eldest.

[Caller]

So sorry last time. I'll leave this voicemail. I feel like I messed up the other two, so the call dropped on the last one.

[Ryan Seacrest]

It's okay.

[Caller]

I'm getting married this November 2025. My fiance and I have been together four years. He's great, we just got engaged. Love him, great relationship. About a year and a half ago, his mom dropped a bomb on me. Kind of like jokingly, very light heartedly told me that she took my dad's virginity when he was 18.

[Ryan Seacrest]

What?

[Caller]

When they worked at the same bank together for like my fiance. Jose's parents are in their late 60s, my parents are in their late 40s. His parents are together. My parents are divorced. So she jokingly tells me that when my dad was 18 and they worked together, so she would have been in her 30s, she took his virginity.

[Dan Soder]

Wow.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Pause this.

[Dan Soder]

Sick.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That's awesome. Basically the last caller Is like that's what I want.

[Dan Soder]

She goes, give me 18 year old guy. A 30 year old woman rules. Yeah. As a guy that only got from women over 30 when he was 20, shout out only.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Dude, respect only so much.

[Dan Soder]

College girls didn't want to me at all.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Wow.

[Dan Soder]

I did. I worked at that radio station. And I'll tell you what, if a woman was into Hooba Stank.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Then your.

[Dan Soder]

Boy was getting that hoop Scuba St. Dude. All those ladies listening to 40 minutes non stop new rock, getting blitzed by the kid. I'm coming off the edge.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You're at a local Bennegan doing a dude.

[Dan Soder]

I was doing the Desert Diamond Casino. Just bombing for 20 minutes. Then having a lady tell me your kid got taken by Pima County Child Services.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That's sad.

[Dan Soder]

That sucks. You want to go do a shot at the golden nugget? I'm 19, but I'm an old soul.

[Ryan Seacrest]

This is wild. Let's keep going. Eldis.

[Dan Soder]

Shout out real quick though. Shout out to older women that younger men because the thing that they do that younger women don't know is they tell you to slow down. It's just jackhammer city until you older lady. And then they go baby, baby, baby, relax.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yes.

[Dan Soder]

That was the most sexual liberating part of my life is when an older woman went slow down. You're like, like a dog humping hair like I want to blast my come all over your fat old piss. She's like all right, slow down. I'm trying to come. I know how to come. These young girls are just.

[Ryan Seacrest]

It's true. There, there I an older. Not that much older maybe like when I moved Here she was 10 years old to me. She wasn't super old, whatever, but there was some that was there. There's like a before and after moment to that. Like making a girl who knows how to bust bust in a specific way.

[Dan Soder]

It is the moment in Wayne's World 2 where Garth is got the smoking jacket after he Kim Basinger. Yes, my darling.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Dan Soder]

There's sometimes my darling loves them.

[Ryan Seacrest]

There is something too that everybody should some. Oh, oh, busy girls. This might be our last call, folks. There is everybody should have a little dalliance with an age gap dog.

[Dan Soder]

Having an older lover.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, it's nice.

[Dan Soder]

It is incredible.

[Ryan Seacrest]

It'll. It'll teach you a little something. It'll what? You know, it's.

[Dan Soder]

It's like it's time travel.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

You know, I mean I'm here from the future. Slow. I don't have much Time.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You're gonna come very fast. You're gonna come too fast.

[Dan Soder]

But titty is okay if you ask. But don't spit on the tits. Let her spit on her own tits.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Play us the rest of this call this.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah, the C. This Penthouse Pet.

[Caller]

I'm not gonna get into exactly how she told me, but she was pretty flippant about it.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Wild move on her part.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. Honestly. Pause it real quick. Makes me think this her future mother in law has a little bit of a drinking problem. Yeah, I mean if you're getting. If you're just throwing out info like that, you better be three sheets to the wind.

[Ryan Seacrest]

This is insanity. And also like imagine her dad head at the first joint family Thanksgiving being like he does.

[Dan Soder]

He does the. Bernice, good to see you again. Like did we have a. A moment in a vault?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. I mean that's crazy. Like this is the dad's night is the dad's nightmare. Dude. The fun.

[Dan Soder]

Of course.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Of course.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I can never have anything good. The one cool piece of old pussy.

[Dan Soder]

I get for 30 years wedding with this.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Have to do this at Easter. Oh, this is since also an insane move on the mother in law's part to just bring. You take this to the grave.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah. Or you guys, you give. You give like that kind of thing at Easter for sure.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And so this should have been a. An old school the way everyone died with their secrets. This should have been like you're raising another man's child in the again in the frontier how like that would happen all the time. Understood.

[Dan Soder]

When did you marry ma? Oh, then you go, well, your dad, he died of tuberculosis. Well, your mom was sucking me off by the feedway. We were out back in the prairie. Your mom was getting bored, boofed about.

[Ryan Seacrest]

She would have done just about anything for shelter. Yeah, she had a mouth to feed and no skills.

[Dan Soder]

Your mother liked it when the natives watched.

[Ryan Seacrest]

All right, let's finish this up.

[Caller]

Kind of like laughed when she told me. I was obviously super uncomfortable.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Caller]

Anyways, the wedding is coming up in like nine months. Months. And she is just very loud, very outgoing, of course, very flirtatious.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, we know exactly who this woman is. She's the woman who. 18 year old. Yeah, like she's awesome by the way.

[Dan Soder]

She rules not in this capacity, but.

[Ryan Seacrest]

This is crazy to tell her.

[Dan Soder]

Driving a. You know, you drive a fast car in New York City, you're not really getting the most out of it. Take that thing to the country. Let it stretch its legs. Yes, this lady is this lady's awesome, Flirty, fun.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You see this lady when you're. This is the types of ladies you wanted to bump into when you were 24, 100. Oh, so you know, named Barb, that just buys you a whole margarita, plays.

[Dan Soder]

With her necklace while you tell her what classes you're taking.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Finish this up here, Eld.

[Caller]

And my dad is not. He is pretty reserved.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Oh, yeah.

[Caller]

To himself. Pretty quiet.

[Dan Soder]

She doesn't like talking about that kind of a thing.

[Caller]

You know, like sexual innuendos and stuff. I mean, he's just very, very, like quiet and conservative. Has a really good sense of humor, but that's not part of his sense of humor. Like dry humor. Anyway, so pretty nervous that she's going to make a joke or a comment and he's gonna like die of embarrassment at my wedding. So I want to avoid that. She makes comments and. And jokes even to me, like, in front of my fiance's family because no one else knows. My fiance knows. But yeah, I mean, she'll say stuff in front of my fiance's dad, who doesn't know. Anyways. Okay, thanks for.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, my gosh. She's a villain.

[Ryan Seacrest]

She's an insane one. I mean, this is a wild card. This lady who used to, you know, the. The outgoing, flirtatious woman. Now she's in her late 60s. You know, the power is gone. The power is zapped. So she's.

[Dan Soder]

Dude, her. Her fastball.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Dark magic now. Yeah, yeah, her fastball's gone. These are. She's got to do an ES pitch now to stay relevant.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah, she's doing.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Mix it up, dude. Yeah. This is wild.

[Dan Soder]

I mean, you have to. I hate to give you this solution, but in my mind, it's the only thing that makes sense right now. You have to go have a one on one with her and go like.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Does she or does her husband, though.

[Dan Soder]

Her husband doesn't know. Dude.

[Ryan Seacrest]

No, no, no. Her fiance knows. I'm sorry, her fiance.

[Dan Soder]

Oh, yeah. You do it together.

[Ryan Seacrest]

It's the. It's. It's his mom.

[Dan Soder]

I'll tell you right now, he has to do it. If Katie had a problem with Trish, I would mediate it.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You would mediate? Sure.

[Dan Soder]

You would immediately mediate?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

You go like, hey, there's a problem. Bring her in. But we gotta talk about this. It's the only way to settle it.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Oh, with your mom? Yes, my mom.

[Dan Soder]

I'm saying the husband needs to mediate her expressing her feelings, that she does not want to be comfortable at her own wedding. She's uncomfortable with the Jokes that she her mom. Honestly maybe even crack a joke like. Well, clearly the sexual chemistry between the families are good. Cuz I'm gonna be your boy the rest of my life. Yeah. I mean even get his baby juice in me.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Well yeah. I would say yeah. He has to mediate or this kind of falls on him. He I. My thing is like does she even need to be there?

[Dan Soder]

No. Like you got to take care of this. It's your mom. You got to take care. Moms are the one. Like you're the. If you're the son, you got to go take care of it.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Dan Soder]

But I would say to make things cool, I would do it together and make it as like a little. Sure.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That way it's doesn't. Because the other thing is you don't want to like you want to address it but diffuse if you can.

[Dan Soder]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You don't want to make it but at the same time you're like, hey, not a huge. You kind of the vibe has be like look, it's not a big deal. It's just my dad's a pretty reserved guy. I just want to make sure we're not. I don't want to embarrass him. It pro. You know, cuz you're pro.

[Dan Soder]

She's very sweet. She says like the whole problem is she doesn't want her dad to feel embarrassed.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And I think if you say that it's like she has to understand and then at the end of the day if she doesn't accept that you're like, well then we have to throw our nuts on the table and say it's our wedding. And so we are asking this of you and you have to do it. Hopefully doesn't have to get to that.

[Dan Soder]

A lot of times parents and I'm sure this is just like a generational thing and it happens to you when you get older, you still think you're the main character and you're not the main character. You guys, this is your wedding, right. You got to make sure you're. You have a great time at this wedding.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I mean this is a nuts situation.

[Dan Soder]

I mean to find that out. I please call back with the full story of how you found out.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, we want to know how she.

[Dan Soder]

I'll come back on. We'll get more beasy grill if we got it. Come do a live show.

[Ryan Seacrest]

We'll get her on the horn. Do a live show. People call in and we talk to them directly.

[Dan Soder]

I want to know how your mother in law told you she your dad.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Probably in A up those like drunk old ways was like, oh, I had your father.

[Dan Soder]

I had him.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I'm just a man. Imagine like Lucille Bluth.

[Dan Soder]

Your father was a generous lover. What? I said it. His cunnilingus was remarkable. Oh, Jesus Christ. That's where your husband used to live.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Now, now part of me house. Your dad and husband both enjoyed my womb.

[Dan Soder]

My.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Part of me is a little ner. Like part of me wants to say like, this is like, you know, you don't even want to touch. It's like diffusing a bomb. You're better off just not even doing it.

[Dan Soder]

But I think this woman's wild.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I think she's enough of a wild card where it's like, it's not a let sleeping dogs lie. Cuz this dog's been stirring in its sleep. You know what I mean? Starts to go, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dan Soder]

Like, dude, don't bark.

[Ryan Seacrest]

If it was totally sleeping, I'd be different if she said that one comment and never brought it up again. But if she's constantly making little jabs.

[Dan Soder]

Zings in front of the family and the dad doesn't know his dad doesn't.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Know, kind of cucking her own husband.

[Dan Soder]

She'S like, yeah, that's right. It'd be crazy if I. Your dad, he's like, why do you keep saying that?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, hey, hey. Stop being so rude to Mark.

[Dan Soder]

Do you keep saying you want to her? I know we're divorced now, so I can bring this out the open. The is wrong with you, Janet. You crazy. The is wrong with you.

[Ryan Seacrest]

But yeah, I think you have to go in. You have to. You have to tag team it with your hu. With your fiance. He. He should take the lead. You're there more to just kind of not make it feel like. Cuz the other thing is you don't want to sit this woman down and kind of make her feel like she's having an ultimatum because she's going to act out like the dumb she is. Like, oh, you don't want me to do it?

[Dan Soder]

Well. Well, then I'm gonna set your house on fire.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And that's when you crack her in the face.

[Dan Soder]

Then you look at your son and you go clean up your mom. I'm gonna go make dinner.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Looks like somebody just checked into the Alzheimer's facility.

[Dan Soder]

Sorry, Mommy. Mother, can I help you off the ground. You hit me.

[Ryan Seacrest]

There'll be a lot more of that. Yeah. My dad, you slut. Oh, we don't know sucking dick in the vault.

[Dan Soder]

We don't know the dad is actually the villain. He goes, hey, you want to know me? You want to hear an impression of your mother in law? Give me the deposit.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Oh boy, did I make deposits in that bank.

[Dan Soder]

He goes, my God, I guess you kept it in savings. Never cashed that check. You know what I mean? Anyway, do you want. Do you want that cake or do you want that cake? I'm paying for it.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Funfetti or what do you think?

[Dan Soder]

I think we should do a strawberry.

[Ryan Seacrest]

So yeah. There you go. Good luck. This lady's insane. You're. This is one of those calls that if it were done poorly would be clearly fake, but you hear it in her voice that this is fucking real. And, and, and anyway, good luck.

[Dan Soder]

Call back on the live.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Let us know how the wedding went. Truly, please let it leave us a message.

[Dan Soder]

Have a beautiful day.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Have a beautiful day. Everybody out there. Have a wonderful day. Thank you for calling in. Oh yeah, but everybody else. Everybody too. The wedding should be beautiful.

[Dan Soder]

The Penthouse pet.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You go that lice little guy, the girl whose roommate keeps pissing. Hose him down the next time he pisses on your piss factor. I forget who else we have. Busy grill waiting. The fact that we've even done 10 extra minutes is kind of crazy. So thanks guys. Dan, thank you. Anything you want. We should have plugged it earlier.

[Dan Soder]

Soda. My podcast, dancer.com. i am on the road doing a big tour at the end of the year. Probably by the time this comes out. I have a name for it. But first, big theater tour.

[Ryan Seacrest]

All right, well we'll put you later in this batch, closer to when it comes out. You know what do this be like? Yeah, go see Soder on the.

[Dan Soder]

Okay, go see me on my tour. Go buy tickets and I'll see you in the fall.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, literally. Tell us when you. When you put the tickets out. If you have a date, we'll put it that week because we're. We're going through. May I love it. Oh yeah, absolutely. Thanks guys. We love you and we will talk to you soon. Bye bye.

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