#138 - Joe Derosa

Summary

Podcast Summary: Stavvy's World Episode #138 - Joe DeRosa

Release Date: July 21, 2025

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Introduction

In episode #138 of Stavvy's World, host Stavros Halkias welcomes comedian Joe DeRosa to discuss his journey in the comedy world, his personal struggles, and the intricacies of maintaining relationships both on and off the stage. The episode offers an unfiltered look into Joe's life, blending humor with heartfelt conversations.

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Joe DeRosa's Comedy Journey

Joe DeRosa delves into his early experiences in stand-up comedy, sharing stories about his initial performances and the challenges he faced in connecting with audiences. He recounts his debut album, The Day the Laughter Died, and the subsequent backlash he received due to the raw and unfiltered nature of his performances.

Notable Quote:

"I have never listened to it since we did it because it's a little uncomfortable to listen to, but I knew I wanted to put it out there."
- Joe DeRosa [06:24]

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Evolution of His Comedy Style

Joe discusses the evolution of his comedic style across his trilogy of albums titled I Never Promised You a Rose Garden. He reflects on the transformation from self-centered humor to pointed critiques of himself and his environment.

Notable Quote:

"This is the one that's the most hopeless, where there's like, nothing will ever be better."
- Eldest [03:32]

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Handling Challenging Audiences

A significant portion of the conversation revolves around Joe's interactions with challenging audiences. He shares anecdotes about performing at underwhelming venues and dealing with hecklers, which contributed to his imposter syndrome and anxiety about his place in the comedy scene.

Notable Quote:

"I lost it. I lost the high ground."
- Eldest [22:25]

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Personal Struggles and Emotional Growth

Joe opens up about his personal life, including his adoption at nine days old, financial struggles, and the emotional turmoil stemming from a tumultuous childhood. He connects these experiences to his imposter syndrome and how they've influenced his comedic material.

Notable Quote:

"I'm an adopted kid. So like, you know, since you were a little."
- Eldest [29:42]

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Relationships with Fellow Comedians

Joe shares his relationships with other comedians, including moments of camaraderie and conflict. He talks about opening for renowned acts, facing tough crowds, and the mentorship he received from established comedians like Bob Saget and Colin Quinn.

Notable Quote:

"Like, this is the first one, we're playing with this Persona of a guy who was selling out arenas and who must have some ego about his art."
- Ryan Seacrest [24:05]

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Dealing with Imposter Syndrome

The discussion shifts to Joe's battle with imposter syndrome, exacerbated by his early career setbacks and personal insecurities. He emphasizes the importance of self-reflection and acknowledges the ongoing struggle to feel deserving of his success.

Notable Quote:

"Yes, I have massive imposter syndrome. I have terrible anxiety."
- Eldest [27:35]

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Audience Questions and Advice

The latter part of the episode addresses listener questions, focusing on personal relationships and social dynamics.

1. Sexual Frequency in Marriage:

   • Caller: A 30-year-old married man expresses concerns about not satisfying his wife's sexual needs.
   • Advice: Joe and Stavros discuss the importance of transparency and honest communication in relationships, emphasizing that avoiding the conversation can lead to deeper issues.

   Notable Quote:

   "Without transparency and honesty, you're doomed."
   - Eldest [67:34]

2. Fantasy Football League Dynamics:

   • Caller: Issues arise when the commissioner's wife joins the fantasy football league, leading to perceived unfair trades.
   • Advice: The hosts suggest reevaluating the commissioner's role and possibly starting a new league to maintain fairness and preserve friendships.

   Notable Quote:

   "If he doesn't want to do that or if he's like, oh, come on, that's you guys are being ridiculous. Just start your own league."
   - Eldest [103:12]

3. Sex Addiction and Peer Influence:

   • Caller: A 24-year-old struggles with sex addiction and the desire to impress friends with outrageous stories.
   • Advice: Emphasis is placed on understanding one's relationship with sex, seeking therapy, and focusing on self-respect over peer validation.

   Notable Quote:

   "Figure out your relationship to sex. It's good. You're trying to, you know, it's gotten to the point where it's addiction."
   - Ryan Seacrest [74:16]

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Conclusion

Episode #138 of Stavvy's World offers a deep dive into Joe DeRosa's life as a comedian, highlighting his personal struggles, professional challenges, and the importance of genuine connections. The candid discussions provide listeners with relatable insights into overcoming adversity and fostering meaningful relationships.

Notable Quote:

"Good luck, whatever."
- Ryan Seacrest [85:52]

---

This episode seamlessly blends humor with profound personal revelations, making it a must-listen for fans seeking both laughter and authenticity in the world of comedy.

Transcript

[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Joe DeRosa]

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[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Eldest]

21 terms and conditions apply.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I' ma put you on, nephew. All right, Unc. Welcome to McDonald's.

[Eldest]

Can I take your order, miss?

[Ryan Seacrest]

I've been hitting up McDonald's for years. Now it's back. We need snack wraps. What's a snack wrap? It's the return of something great. Snack wrap is back. Hey, everybody. We have an incredible show with Joe DeRosa coming up. He's got a special. Go watch it. Just wanted to let you know that we are the Dream Boat tour is picking back up in September. We're going to be in London when added a second show on September 7th. Dublin, September 12th. Manchester, the 13th, Glasgow unfortunately is sold out for now. We don't think we're adding shows. Sorry. Memphis, Huntsville, Chattanooga, Knoxville, Asheville, Greensboro, Wilmington, Myrtle Beach, Austin and Boston in America. And then we will be announcing more dates. If you think we've missed you. We're not going to miss you. I promise. We are going to. We're going to get back on tour again. 20, 26. So these are the fall dates. Memphis, Huntsville, Chattanooga, Knoxville, Asheville, Greensboro, Wilmington, Myrtle Beach, Austin, Boston. Go Stavi biz. We'd love to see you there. And we're going to do another tour early next year. If we haven't gotten to you, let us know where you are and we will come see you, I promise. And without further ado, let's start the freaking show. Welcome Everybody to Stavis World. 904-800-STEP- CALL IN. We'll solve all your problems on the couch today and on your YouTube as well. Joe DeRosa, I never promised you a rose garden out right now. Pause this. Pause this bullshit. Go watch the special. You know what I mean? You can come back to the podcast. Go watch. Let's run the numbers up. Yeah. Today is the day. I never promise you I do. It's a very evocative phrase. It is.

[Eldest]

There was three things to what you just did.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, go ahead.

[Eldest]

You said evocative.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yep.

[Eldest]

You're wearing that shirt.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yep.

[Eldest]

And you said it you went like that.

[Ryan Seacrest]

A little bit of that was the.

[Eldest]

Hand with the word and the shirt. It was, it was like sensual. Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Evocative. I'm trying to get the people excited. It is a good phrase.

[Eldest]

It's from my. Well, there's a, There's a. A famous country song of that title, but it's the, the. It's. There's a novel called I never promised you Rose Garden. Then they made a movie of it.

[Ryan Seacrest]

But yeah, I mean, you hear it and you just, you immediately. It conjures an image of like a guy being like, I never promised you. Well, it's, it's, you know, getting his wife off his back. You knew what this was. You like, that's kind of what it feels like.

[Eldest]

I did three. I did three hours that had you. And they were all very pointed outward.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah.

[Eldest]

The first one was called you Will D. That was just a record. And then my second one was my Comedy Central hour that was called you let me down. And then this one, I was like, this is the third.

[Ryan Seacrest]

This is you. I never promised you the Rose is you trilogy.

[Eldest]

This is the one that's the most hopeless, where there's like, nothing will ever be better.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, you're off.

[Eldest]

It's. I was like, well, that title seems. It seems like we brought it to a club. I keep telling myself, the next hour, I'm going to do something a little more personal, something more endearing, maybe something to have. And it just keeps coming out like this.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Just. You're still mad at everybody else. What's the common denominator, Joe? Do you maybe everybody else think. Yeah.

[Eldest]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Maybe a little self reflection. Not on this special, folks. But I'm excited. I think I remember. I remember one of those. Cuz you. So maybe it was the first one, the record. Did you have one where it was like you also included.

[Eldest]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Trying to record it and it going horrible.

[Eldest]

Yeah. So the first.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Because I remember this.

[Eldest]

That's the second disc.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yes.

[Eldest]

Of the. It was two discs and the second disc, I called it at the mercy of Drunks. And it was. Yeah, it was us trying to get the record done, but the whole audience was shitfaced.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah. What would you record it? Because I remember this. I remember this when I. This was maybe right when I was about to leave for New York. This must have been like 10 years ago. Did this come out?

[Eldest]

Probably 10, maybe third. No.

[Ryan Seacrest]

12.

[Eldest]

No. Yeah. No, like, God, I still lived in New York. There was. There's probably 15, 14 years ago. It was a while ago.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Interesting. I was working as a paralegal, I think, because I was. I was just listening to a lot of albums, and I remember listening to that one, and it did in a. Because. And it was like, where was it recorded?

[Eldest]

So the first. The disc that's the actual hour was recorded at Star Bar in Atlanta.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Okay, great outtake.

[Eldest]

Disc of the drunks was recorded at Laughing Skull in Atlanta.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Ah, okay. Okay.

[Eldest]

The reason that that second hour is. Is that the venues are different is because I went to Laughing Skull and I had a headline weekend, and we said, we're going to record the new album. And Jason Riggs, who was the producer and the. Had the label that put the record out, he came out and, like, I couldn't. Not that I'm. You know, not that I'm selling fucking stadium tickets now, but, I mean, I couldn't sell a ticket to save my life.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah.

[Eldest]

So like, four of the five shows, there was like 20 people there.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You can hear each individual laugh.

[Eldest]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

In the mix. Yeah. And then the la.

[Eldest]

And then. And then the Late Show Saturday, though. He's like, late Show Saturday, sold out.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Cooking.

[Eldest]

That's where we're getting it.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

And then that just happened to be the worst crowd of all time, so.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Very annoying Woman was talking a lot, if I recall.

[Eldest]

It's. There's.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah. It's classic stuff.

[Eldest]

I have never listened to it since we did it because it's a little. It's. It's a little uncomfortable to listen to, but I knew I wanted to put it out there.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Eldest]

But we. I walked off after that show and Jason was backstage running the board, and I go. I go, that's the record.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That's my debut album.

[Eldest]

Believe it or not. I had four albums out at that point, and I still was selling 20 tickets on a Friday, 8pm you know, maybe I gotta rethink that common denominator.

[Ryan Seacrest]

What were those called before. Before you. Yeah. Or the first three called the Depression Auction. The Depression Auction. Okay.

[Eldest]

Second one's called Return of Son of Depression.

[Ryan Seacrest]

So you've always had a mind for linking your. Your body of work together. Yeah, well.

[Eldest]

Well, initially I was like. I was like in the. Yes, yes. But. But I. Because I was like all the musicians. I like, of course, you know, so. But. But initially in the first couple records, I was like, man, I love to. On myself, and I'm.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Right.

[Eldest]

Because life is sad and I'm a depressed guy. My body sucks. And yes, somewhere around the third record, I was like, you know what? I can Point the finger.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Were you? As a kid, were you like. Did you point it in? Or were you, like, deflective, like.

[Eldest]

No, I've always had. I've always had massive. Wait, really quick, though, please.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

I said that to Jason. That's the record. And he was like, what, are you crazy? Yeah, but that's why it's awesome. Because my favorite comedy album of all time is the Day.

[Ryan Seacrest]

The Day the Laughter. Dude, you don't have to tell us.

[Eldest]

Us. We.

[Ryan Seacrest]

We literally cr. We would listen to that. Maybe when we discovered it, we listened to, like, every day for a month.

[Eldest]

It's the greatest thing I've ever heard.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. Eldest elders, what. This is the most, like. This is the most He. We're secretly gay together accusation you could ever come up with because he. A present for me one year. He transcribed all of the Day the Laughter Died and, like, printed it up for me.

[Caller]

Yeah. Like, typed up every single word in there and broke it in little chapters based on the track list and, like, printed it out.

[Eldest]

That take you to do that?

[Caller]

Took a long time.

[Ryan Seacrest]

But.

[Eldest]

But that's a two. That's. That. That album's over two hours. A double album. That's.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Well, there's the Day the Laugh Died. Then the.

[Caller]

There's. There's the second one, which is the sequel. I only did the first.

[Ryan Seacrest]

The first one is the.

[Eldest]

The first one's a double album, though. I bought it. I bought it the day it came out. It's two full cassettes. The second one's only one cassette, and it's called Part Two. But that first one is a full.

[Ryan Seacrest]

It's long. Yeah, it's longish. And it's a couple. I think it's a couple shows cut together because you can tell he's talking to different people at different points.

[Eldest]

Yeah. There's a couple moments where, you know, like, this is before the person walked out earlier.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yes.

[Eldest]

But because it's edited this way, like, they're still there or whatever. But I. I'm.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I'm with you, though. Literally. My favorite album.

[Eldest]

It's amazing. It's. It's. It's what forged, like, my friendship or friendliness with Dice. When I met him, I was like, dice, yeah. And I. Every time I saw him, I'd sit down and I'd be like, dice, I got to talk to you about that record again.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

You don't understand, because I told him, and this is true. I go. I go, dice, like, do you. I go, you. You know what you've done in comedy, obviously, I Was like. But do you understand, Like, I go like that record, like, Brooklyn Coffee Shop Comics think that record is awesome. It is like it reaches an audience that never would appear in your actual.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Audience because it's actual art. I mean, it is. I mean, it's beautiful. Whatever you want to say about Dice's act, I mean, he did msg, all that stuff, but some of it doesn't exactly hold up. But, I mean, I think that's a fair way to put it. But the Day the Laughter Died is. Is really interesting because. And that's the fascinating thing about Dice, because it's also like, he does something like this and he understands how to play with his Persona and he understands how to make something interesting and actually good with his Persona. But then he also, it doesn't feel like he gets it or he just. He also is addicted to being that big. You know what I mean? Or like there's something about. Because the arena act that he was is because he was. I mean, the parallels you could draw between the, like, what's going on now with comedy. I mean, it's almost like if you distilled Dice into something, it's kill Tony selling out arenas now. You know what I mean? It's almost like the continuation of that where it's like, well, he's the first.

[Eldest]

Well, I guess Steve Martin was the first, right? Yeah, but I was the first record setting arena comic. Right? Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And yeah, and Dice. Dice's thing was very vulgar and very sexy and racist and like, it's like, you know, shock. It's like almost he. Dice, you could argue is what is a re. PC culture might be a reaction to essentially Andrew Dice Clay's act. Like, truly, it's like what he represents is why, like Tipper Gore got mad at like, Dice is the white version of like two Live Crew, essentially. And those together is like what annoying liberal 90s culture is almost reacting to.

[Eldest]

You know, it's really interesting if you watch a documentary about Dice. I'm a staunch, for better or for worse, free speech believer. I'm like, it's got to be everything or nothing. You know, I'm not saying I, I think it's great if a guy runs down the street screaming, let's all kill each other.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

You know what I mean?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. But you should be able to, you should be able to say whatever you want.

[Eldest]

But it's interesting if you watch like a documentary or something about Dice because the, the contrasting opinions, both arguments are very interesting to me because you have people saying like, well, at this time, this type of humor, I perceived it as quite dangerous because these are things that were happening socially that, that this was in, in. In this person's opinion, whoever's saying was this was fueling it or this is one of the things. And then there are other people saying, no, man, that's the point. Like it's, it's self effacing, it's ridiculous. It's over the. It's a very, very interesting argument with comedy.

[Ryan Seacrest]

His fucking audience did not understand that. And they used to cover the guy who was on cometown and who, like, who like and there. And like, we had plenty of people who listened to it because the joke was, this is ridiculous. We're being over the top. But a lot of just racists also listen to it.

[Eldest]

Well, what I love about the Day the Laughter died is, is that's the. That, that. Well, see, that's on the second one too. But that, that one, that's the, that's the one thing where he turns the gun on himself.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Absolutely.

[Eldest]

He says like he drops it a couple times and he's like, come on, stop back at me.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah. Y ain't about. It ain't about being. What do you say? It's not about laughing.

[Caller]

The best part is like, people are.

[Eldest]

Like, dude, dude, sorry, what's up?

[Caller]

Oh yeah. The best part is like, what? People are like, do the rhymes. Do the rhymes. And he just kept saying, no, no. He's like, that's not what comedy is about. It's.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You don't have to laugh to enjoy it. I think is the cool.

[Caller]

Like, that's not what comedy is about. You don't have to laugh to enjoy it. And then that split second later, he's like, hey, what's she doing down there?

[Eldest]

Hey.

[Joe DeRosa]

She's. She.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Caller]

Profound thing.

[Eldest]

And immediate. He follows.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And then a woman is like, kneel down.

[Eldest]

Like, what's she doing?

[Ryan Seacrest]

She's sucking dick, isn't she? I remember the way he says that. It's like locked in my head.

[Eldest]

But that's what he goes.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You know, when he goes.

[Eldest]

When he goes. He. When he does. I think it might be during that thing about the laughter. Not comedy.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

Or comedy, not laughter.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You don't have to laugh.

[Eldest]

And he just goes, he goes, Because I guarantee you I'll be the last person to leave this room tonight. Like, he's so hell bent on alienating everybody. And then some guy in the back goes, why? He just goes, I got nowhere to go.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah. It's really great, but it is fascinating. Yeah. Dice is a fascinating figure for that exact reason.

[Eldest]

He's. He's. He is. And like, he, you know, I. I firmly believe, despite however anybody interprets what he does or whatever. Or did or whatever, my belief in him as an artist is that he gets it. He knows what he's doing. He's aware of the exaggeration in the joke, and that's what makes me respect him. And I'm not being diplomatic. Like, that truly is what makes me respect him greatly as a comic, a person and an artist. And that record, the second one, the part two, is fucking insane. He gets into an almost fist fight.

[Ryan Seacrest]

He's saying, you lose a little bit of the magic because it's almost. It's become now too self aware on some level.

[Eldest]

It's wild. The second.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And then he also. He also has some legitimate show business gripes on that. Like, I remember he's talking about Siskel and Ebert. He's like, Siskel and E. Brick, the fat pig and the bald. And he's mad. He's mad at them for. Because he had that movie, the Adventures of Ford Fairlane that they destroyed. And it probably. I mean, I haven't seen. We actually really should watch that movie.

[Eldest]

Oh, I can't believe. So fun, dude.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Eldest]

It's like a comic book.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah.

[Eldest]

But Dice is the super.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, it's great.

[Eldest]

But he says in that album, on that album, there's a moment where he goes, he. It's the Cisco Neighbor thing. And he goes. He goes, I ain't mad. I'm paraphrasing. But he says, like, you know, I ain't mad that they don't like my career because right now I ain't got one.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Because he's.

[Eldest]

It's like after the fall.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah, it's.

[Eldest]

It's heavy. That's when you're like. The first one feels a little more like an experiment.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

The second one feels a little more like, let's do it again, but just.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Doesn'T have the same juice. It's still good.

[Eldest]

There's an anger behind it or something.

[Ryan Seacrest]

There's an. That's the thing. It's not an artistic exploration, which is what the first one is. The second one is. It's almost like you're trying. It feels a little like a che. It's what happens now with, like, serialization and stuff. It's like. It almost feels like a cheap reboot of the mat. Like he's just trying to capture the magic a little bit. And I think the anger and the legitimate. Like. Because he is. He. On the first one, he's almost mocking his Persona. And on the second one, and this is my problem with it, is that you sense that he does. Maybe he doesn't think he deserves it, but he wants to be that famous. He wants to be, like, lauded. He want. He thinks his. He thinks he at least wants to. I don't know if he thinks his art deserves it, but it's almost like he is saying, no, I'm actually good on that one in a way. That's not the spirit of the first one. The spirit of the first one is like, my. This is ridiculous.

[Eldest]

There's a playfulness to the first one. And the second one, there's definitely not a playful, like, it's. Which is interesting because Rick Rubin did both. And I feel like that's interesting energy, though. So here's what I appreciate about the second one is as uncomfortable as I find it to be. I did a thing with my friend Scott Moran. I forget what the name of the series was, but he used to do this YouTube series where he would take a comic book and he would say, okay, I want to get video of you doing this bit that I like that you do. And I want to do a mini sort of doc around the bit.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Oh, I remember these.

[Eldest]

These, like, 15 minutes.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Those were cool. Yeah, yeah.

[Eldest]

Those are kind of like, you know, like. Like. Like Rory. One of the ones I really remembered was Rory had a big thing about Batman, about how much he loved the Christopher Nolan Batman movies. And then they. They were going to go see the Dark Knight Rises. Modern comedian. They were going to go see the Dark Knight Rises on the day it premiered. And then the terrorist shooting happens.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Oh, wow.

[Eldest]

And. And so it becomes about them reacting to the news versus going to see the movie. Yeah, but. But Rory's Batman bit is still at the center of it or whatever.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Right, right.

[Eldest]

So I. Mine was about. I had a thing about nurses so 12 years ago. Because that's when this out.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, I remember this. I remember this.

[Eldest]

I had a thing about nurses because my mom had gone through breast cancer, and it was, you know, I kind of trashed on nurses a little bit. And my awesome take.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Well, anti nurse, but I love it. That's. Yeah, but I didn't.

[Eldest]

Here's the thing. I didn't trash all nerds. It was very much like. I was like. My point was like, hey, man, nurses are like cops.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

There's good ones and there's ones that are there for the job, and let's stop Pretending like just because one person.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Is a hero, they're all heroes.

[Eldest]

Every. Every person in the military isn't awesome. Yeah, there's. You know what I mean?

[Ryan Seacrest]

You don't say Joe.

[Eldest]

A guy that, like, if I meet a soldier at a show, I say thank you for your service. Like, my dad and my grandfather served. Like, I'm. I'm, I. I'm like, thank you, dude. Like, I respect it, but it doesn't mean I don't think it's out of the realm of possibility that somebody might be in the barracks for the paycheck.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course.

[Eldest]

So anyway.

[Ryan Seacrest]

But you're right, though. Nurse really is female cop. I mean, it's the. It's the equivalent. It is.

[Eldest]

Wait, wait. On the day of the special coming out.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, let's not go back. I'm sorry. Yeah, I know. We're promoting your special. I asked you questions about an album from 15 years ago, and then we talk about Andrew dice clay for 35.

[Eldest]

Minutes and then bring up the time you got trolled and pissed off a bunch of people.

[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Eldest]

I actually talk about this on the special. I talk about when I got the backlash for this.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Oh, wow.

[Eldest]

But my. But. But the point of the. Which is odd that we got on to the dice thing and now this.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

Because my episode was the nurse joke that I got the online.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Looking plump in that one.

[Eldest]

Yeah, I know.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You're looking like a little fat boy. The shaved head.

[Eldest]

I know.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I forgot about the shaved head era. Yes, the.

[Eldest]

But the bit in this is the thing that. The clip came back out again a few years ago, and I got super. There was a whole big backlash. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Everyone was sucking nurses off.

[Eldest]

And then I actually talk about that in the new special. But this is the original bit that. That nobody ever heard for 10 years. Whatever. It was 15 years. But anyway, don't play the bit. But my point is, is.

[Ryan Seacrest]

He.

[Eldest]

So he goes, I want to get that nurse. But that's really interesting. And your mom's going through cancer. And I. This is a great story. And I said, great. And we went. And he shot me a Broadway comedy club.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Oh, my God. Yes.

[Eldest]

Of course the crowd sucked.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Of course. I mean, of course. Yeah, it was a Broadway comedy club. Yeah.

[Eldest]

And, dude, some lady, like, heckled me during the nursing bit, and I lost my. And I'm like, you. My mom is sick.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Who the do you think.

[Eldest]

You think I'm not gonna talk about this? You. Right? And as soon as I said you, I was like, I lost it.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. Yeah. You lost the high ground. You really did.

[Eldest]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

That's like you. My hand slipped off the wheel.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. Son of a. Yeah.

[Eldest]

But.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

And Scott was like. And then we got in the car, we were gonna go to do another set, and I go, we got. Obviously, we gotta read. Yeah, get that bit.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

And Scott goes, no, dude, this is the story.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Eldest]

And I was like, scott, there's no way.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, because at the time also, like, these were big. Like, people were in comedy knew about these. Like, comedy fans and YouTube, now we're used to something having like a million views. But like, 15 years ago, you had 30,000 views. That was a big.

[Eldest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You know, so these were actually. This is a. This is a. This was like kind of like a. A cool in. I remember being such a comedy nerd at the time. And, like, I like these videos. I remember those.

[Eldest]

They were great, man. And. And he was like, this is the story. And I was like, no, dude. And he. He was like, I'm telling you, dude. And then he came to my house. He made me watch the clip. He shot me watching the clip. Reacting. Reacting to. Excuse me. We talk about it even after it was done. I was like, scott, don't put that out.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

And then he called me and he goes. I just showed it to Rory and Sarah Schaefer. And he was like. They were both like, dude, it's. It's. It's fine.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

Like, it's okay. Like, it's like. Like, you're like. So anyway, here's what I'm getting at.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

That second Dice record, I feel like there was a thing behind it with. With him and Reuben.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

Where they. I'm. I'm theorizing, but, like, maybe they were like, hey, dude, that was a little unhinged. But, hey, we captured, like, a real moment.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You're absolutely correct. Is that, like, do I. The first one, to me, is an untouchable, unimpeachable masterpiece.

[Eldest]

Exactly.

[Ryan Seacrest]

The second one is a flawed but interesting piece of art because I. You can't recreate that. But it also did capture. And that's why it's also interesting. The first one is, like, we are playing with this Persona of a guy who was selling out arenas and who must have some ego about his art. But also, you know, you could argue, maybe there's a reading of it where he's being opportunistic and he. He didn't. My. My guess is he didn't expect his brand of humor to take off to fucking arenas. Right. But he. But. But it. So now he's being reflective, and it's interesting. And the second one is, now you get this portrait, and you can only really do that when you're secure. Right. You're like, I'm rich. I'm selling out msg. Let's have fun with my Persona in a way that I'll never get a chance to do ever again. And the second one is, like, you don't ever really get a true window into what it's like to lose it all. I mean, dude, even if it's an interview, it's manicured. And even if they're being open, but on stage, when you're trying to be funny and it slips out, you see the reality of how mad he is, and that is very valuable.

[Eldest]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

It's like, I can't imagine what that does to you. Your head. This happens to him in his 20s.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

So he's an adult, but he's young.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

This is why, by the way, this is exactly why I'm like, hey, Shia LaBeouf is apologizing. I'm listening. Imagine if that happens to you when you're 15.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Right, right.

[Eldest]

Or whatever. I'm like, yeah, yeah. Do you think the guy might have done some up? Like, he. What the man? You know, I'm not excusing behaviors, but it's like, I can understand somebody might get, like, pretty up for sure. And like. Like, dice. It's like, I can't even imagine. Dane Cook told me a story when Steve.

[Ryan Seacrest]

A great analog, by the way. Like, very similar careers, honestly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Eldest]

He. When Steve Martin wrote Born Standing up, he's. Dane told me that Steve Martin invited him to lunch and he went and met Steve Martin for the first time, and he said Steve Martin gave him that book and said, you're the only person alive that will understand this. Yeah, I just got chills, dude.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah.

[Eldest]

Like, that's wild.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I'm not shocked. Dane Cook told you that story.

[Eldest]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

A story where it's like, one of my heroes told me I'm the only guy who'll ever understand him. That checks out. You know, I mean, it's really. He really put himself. The comedian's code. Really make yourself look bad no matter what. I mean, that's the, like, chills. Cause he's bragging. I mean, it's cool, but it's like, let me tell you, you weren't the only guy to hear that story. I promise you.

[Eldest]

No, it was just me. I gotta be honest. As I was telling him, I was like, did he tell me this? Did I hear it on a podcast? I'm gonna be a psycho. I think I just made up that he told me that Joe's like.

[Caller]

And then he said, you're the only one who'll understand this anecdote.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah.

[Eldest]

Then Dane, when his ticket sales went down, invited me to lunch. You're one of the people that will understand. Hey, but, dude.

[Ryan Seacrest]

But yeah.

[Eldest]

Anyway, your question from an hour and a half ago.

[Ryan Seacrest]

No, no, no problem.

[Eldest]

We. We super digressed. But it was awesome. You said, was I always a person that pointed the finger inward?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

Sound like it's an N word. Yeah, yeah. I was. What I was gonna say. I don't remember why we went in the other direction, but the point is, is yes, I have massive imposter syndrome. I have. I have terrible anxiety. I never feel like I belong anywhere. Anything good happening. I'm like, well, this will be taken away.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Eldest]

Just wait.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Of course.

[Eldest]

You know?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

It's constant. It. And it comes from. Well, there's a lot, you know, child. It's the same old story with childhood. You get bullied and you know, I was an only child and I was a depressed kid and you know, at Catholic school and the rules and the guilt and all that, you know, that's.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That'S, that's sort of only child and parents were. Had a good relationship or a bad relationship. What are we talking?

[Eldest]

Yeah. Good in the sense like my parents love each other very much. They're a good partnership. They're extraordinarily supportive of one another. They're still married. No, you know. You know, yes, in that sense. But you know, transparently there was. We, we were a family that did not have a lot of money. There were a lot of economic struggles. They pursued that sort of 80s bill of goods that a lot of people pursued.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Sure.

[Eldest]

Which was like, hey, you live in the city, you shouldn't be. You should be living out in the suburbs in a house you can't really afford. Then we got these credit cards for it.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Right, right.

[Eldest]

So like there was a lot of financial struggling, but also.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Which, but also wanting to keep appearances up, it sounds like, you know, not.

[Eldest]

No, not even. Honestly, not even keeping appearances up. Just, just, just that. Leading to situations like my dad having to work much longer hours, my mom having to work.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Right, right.

[Eldest]

Them. The tension in that. Then the fighting and like it was a loud household. Yeah, it was a loud household. I was, I'm an adopted kid. So like, you know, since you were a little.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Since you were a baby.

[Eldest]

I was adopted at like nine days.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Okay.

[Eldest]

So I don't know anything. That's all I know is that.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Eldest]

But you know, as soon as I realized I could weaponize that, which I realized at a pretty young age, some, some things were said.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

You know, mistakes were made.

[Ryan Seacrest]

But oh no, dude, no one can be more hurtful than like a fucking seven year old who just understands enough to like wound but has no idea how powerful that that weapon is. Like, they know it'll be like hurtful, but they have no idea how hurtful.

[Eldest]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

10 year old.

[Eldest]

I remember realizing I was like, oh, I can say you're not my real parent.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Just dropping a new. Because you don't get a nut or butter.

[Eldest]

Like that's the thing.

[Ryan Seacrest]

It's like that's good to have in your back pocket when it's really necessary, but when you realize it, you're too stupid to know. Like, you can't just be pulling this out every day, man. This is for special occasions.

[Eldest]

That's so funny. Yeah. Eventually my parents are like, yeah, we're not. Yeah, what's your point? You said it. Yeah, get to the point.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They can uno. Reverse that on you too. You know what I mean? Quick, just make it.

[Eldest]

Make it.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You know what I mean? Be like, yeah, you could have grown up in a crack den. Is that what you wanted, you piece of. Or whatever, you know, like they could just made up a horrific place, plucked you from.

[Eldest]

They never said anything like that. But I do believe we. The arguments did get into places of like, do you realize what we did do for you?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Eldest]

Which is fair.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Very fair. Yeah, but.

[Eldest]

But it was. It was. Yes. They, they. They. They were. They were. They. They have a good marriage, but they come from emotional backgrounds. My family was an emotional family growing up. It's something I have had to deal with in my adult life a lot. It's a thing I've had to work on.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I am being too emotional. You mean, like getting too affected high. Too high and too low.

[Eldest]

Yeah, dude. Like, if I feel truly disrespected, like, I. I react like. Like it's like fist fight time.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Eldest]

Like, I literally, like, this is. It's. I'm a. I'm a. I try to be an open book with things. So some stuff I'm embarrassed to talk about, but, like, I was at my boy's house. My buddy Paul and I, we have a band called Salsa Windfall. And we were recording our new record two weeks ago in Atlanta at my buddy Jim's house. And we were having a great time working on the record, whatever. And I'm like, going through this breakup, so I'm emotionally kind of a raw nerve. And, you know, we had all been drinking and stuff.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. I mean, everything you're saying. Yeah, it's like adult male, like, side band breakup drunk. Like, it's. It's all. It's swirling, you know what I mean? Like, it's swirling for something real good. You know what I mean? Something really over.

[Eldest]

So I went out to my Camaro.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Loaded up, you know what I mean? Drunk as hell. Yeah. But I'll show you, bitch.

[Eldest]

So it was like laid. It was late at night, but, like, we. We gotten. They, they. They had asked. I was like, in. I was playing the music that we were listening to, and like, Paul was. Paul kept pushing me to play this song, and it's the dumbest thing in the world.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

But eventually I was like, paul, dude, Shut the up, dude. Like, you keep asking me to play this song. I've been playing everything you want me to play all night. Dude, like, stop. Stop, dude.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

And Jim hadn't heard Paul being kind of like, like, come on, dude.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Needling. You sure?

[Eldest]

So then Jim was like, dude, what's your problem, man? Like, you're being really mean, right? And like, the second I felt like Jim was jumping up on, I was gang, dude. I literally, literally went like this. Really, dude? Hey, you, dude, you too, dude. No, you too, Both of you, dude. And they were like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And I was like, no, this. Yeah, this.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah.

[Eldest]

And I got my computer was plugged into the stair and I got my computer and I. And I just went. Marched right to bed. It was like. It was nuts.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. Acting like your oasis for your, you know. Yeah. Adult male band.

[Eldest]

And I don't get there often, I don't think, but. But I can get there. And that comes from. That comes from, number one, growing up in an emotional environment. It comes from abandonment issues that stem from adoption.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Sure.

[Eldest]

It comes from smothering that came from my parents because they couldn't have. Have kids. So then they adopted and they were also religious. So then they saw me as like this miracle. So then they're overprotective, trying to. So it's a real cocktail. But it is a thing where like. And then I have imposter syndrome and all this stuff. So it's like, if I feel like in a moment like somebody is like, betrayed me. Sure.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Eldest]

I'm like, I. Like, that's when. That's when the real.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Or ganged up on. Like, if you're singled out.

[Eldest]

Ganged up on. If it's. If it's ganged up on. Like, like, I don't. I'm not a. I'm not a. Like, I can take getting my balls broken and getting made fun of and getting trashed. All that I've had, you know, Keith Robinson and Norton and DePaulo and Patrice. I do feel circle around me and on me and it's. I can laugh about it.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah.

[Eldest]

I'm not. That's fine. But if I feel ganged up on, where it's like in a true way.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Like an emotional way, like people like friends, you know, like, for instance, if.

[Eldest]

When. When you and I before the show were having a little more of a socio political discussion, like if you and I were having that debate or discussion and it started to get a little energized, if there were other People in the room that were like, well, Joe, you need to calm down. Yeah. Like, when I feel like it's like, oh, you're all gonna. Oh, okay. I see what this is. You know what I mean?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Like, all right.

[Eldest]

And, like, because, like. And I go back to childhood. I go back to being a young kid who was depressed, who had no siblings.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Right.

[Eldest]

So when I would get into a fight with a friend, it was like, fuck you. I'll go be alone. It wasn't like, I'm gonna go home and hang out with my sister.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. The. The stakes are kind of high.

[Eldest]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Because you kind of. All you had was sort of like, whatever friends you could make.

[Eldest]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Because otherwise you're just back at home.

[Eldest]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Reading the Scriptures with your. With your parents or whatever, you know.

[Eldest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Angrily. Yeah. Playing fucking Nintendo or whatever. And, like, so, like, as an adult, how that manifests, and it's a thing I've really, really, really had to work on and. And learn to control more as an adult. That manifests as, I'll burn this whole fucking thing.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I don't care. I'll be alone.

[Eldest]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That's my default. Is nobody around me.

[Eldest]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

So who fucking cares?

[Eldest]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

So even though you probably don't mean it, right. Like, rather be around. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Eldest]

It sucks after. Right after it sucks.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

Right after. In the moment, it feels like the righteous sword of God.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I'll burn every bridge. I don't care. Yeah.

[Eldest]

Two seconds later, it's like doing it. It's like doing too chunky of a line of blow.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Eldest]

As you're doing it.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Feel cool as you're like, I'm Tony Montana, dude. I'm so cool. And then you're like, ah, my head is burning. I'm doing too much. I have too much. I have too much energy.

[Eldest]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I'm tasting half of it in my throat.

[Eldest]

But yeah, dude. So, you know, I don't know. Are you, like. You're the only time I've ever seen you get. I don't want to say the word aggravated, but, like, you know, I guess emotional is a word because, you know, like, getting hyped up. That's emotion.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Sure, sure.

[Eldest]

But the only time I've ever seen you get charged or whatever is sometimes when I missed.

[Ryan Seacrest]

When I missed the cheesesteaks on tires when I was like, what? I was in the bathroom. Why don't you fucking get me one? The fucking lady came by already.

[Eldest]

She's 10 minutes early. Yeah. Where'd stop go? I don't know you called the food lady a fucking bitch. City quits.

[Ryan Seacrest]

America the beautiful. A country of entrepreneurs. We know it can be hard, very intimidating to start your own business. I started this business, it was pretty much nothing. It was just me driving a shitty car to shitty shows and making like a hundred dollars. What helped me slowly, slowly I grew over time to this multimedia empire you see before you. And a big part of our success was Shopify. That's right. Oh, what's that sound? Eldest? Oh. We hit another sale on our online store thanks to Shopify. The first, one of the first things that made me money outside of actual performance was my calendars, was my merch, was my T shirts. It used to be so hard for me to do that. I had to keep it all up here. It was a very, very poorly run business. I probably barely made any money. If I'm being honest with you. You. What's helped us grow since is Shopify our store now worth? It's easy. They keep track of everything for us. It's easy interface for our customers. You'll love it if you have anything to sell. If you want to accelerate your business, go to Shopify. Get the word out like you have a marketing team behind you. Easily create email and social media campaigns wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling. And best yet, Shopify is your commerce expert with world class expertise in everything from managing inventory to international shipping to processing returns and beyond. If you're ready to sell, you're ready to Shopify. I'm excited. We've been working on the 2026 calendar and it's going to come your way thanks to our pals at Shopify. So turn your big business idea into with Shopify on your side. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.comstavi go to shopify.comstavi shopify that comes. That's lobby.

[Eldest]

No, but like the only. I've seen talk politics and I've seen you get charged up. That's literally the only time like do you get like that in any other area?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, I mean I, I definitely have tried to keep, I've tried to stay. I mean I have the same. I definitely have an anger pro. My whole family has kind of an anger problem and I've definitely, I've been very cognizant of that my whole life to just sort of keep that at bay. I still feel, I mean it's funny because I will tell friends of mine that and they don't believe me because I And which feels good, right? Because that means like people don't see that I've been able to like keep that kind of, you know, sort of hidden or whatever. But you know, I try and not get too hot, get too extreme because I think I came from a situation where no one talked about emotion or feeling. And then the only way it was acceptable is if it completely. You just push it down until it explodes. That's how everyone in my family dealt with shit. My dad, I mean, my dad.

[Eldest]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Has no ability to be. To understand how he feels about anything. And you, you can try and explain to him and he's like, no, that's not true. It's like he'll clearly be sad about something. It's like, hey, go talk to that person instead of stewing here for. But he has no concept of that. And I. So I've been, I've tried in my own life to sort of do away with that and just sort of, you know.

[Eldest]

But yeah, well, that's great. But I will say this to, for, for the listeners, just so you know. You know, there's more to me than rage.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

I have that emotion in every direction.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Sure.

[Eldest]

I cry once. At least once a day. At least once a day. Lately it's been over breakup stuff. Well, lately when this, when at the time of this recording. But yeah, but, but, but, and then, but then, but dude, some days, I swear to God, dude, it could be the right moment in Star wars. And the nostalgia hits me and I start crying. It could be a commercial. That's like what I it. But I cry once a day at least. And then like the laughter like, like, like sitting here with you laughing this hard. You know what I mean? One of my. Excuse me. One of my daily morning routines is, is doing a three way call with Dante Nero and Keith Robinson and just incredible calling. Calling Keith at like 10, sometimes 9:00am yeah, yeah. And he's like, what the do you want? And I'm like, I want to start my morning right, you piece of. You fucking bother me. He go get dumb Dante on the phone. I want to talk about fat idiot. And we called Dante up.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Love that.

[Eldest]

And Dante's like, ah, Keith, man, you know you're stroking, man.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Like, but dude.

[Eldest]

And just trashing each other and laughing so.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

Hard. And then like there's days where like Voss gets pulled in or Bobby Kelly and we're just trashing each other and let Colin Quinn.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Like I do think there was definitely a moment where it feels like you were sort of like the freshman on, like, on the varsity team that they all just. I remember, like, again, as a comedy fan, that's very much when you were young.

[Eldest]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I feel like, you know, because you were opening for Burr and you were, like, at the cell. You know, you're, like, hanging around over there. And I do feel like I just. The first time I was, like, cognizant of you was just like, you know, the tough crowd guys just, you know, making fun of you as, like, the young guy, you know, so Burr and.

[Eldest]

Then Danny, this kid Danny, who was one of the producers on. Okay. They were the ones that pushed me in front of. Out in front of Opie and Anthony. And Opie saw me first do stand up, and Opie was like, you're fucking funny, dude. Like, you should do the show.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah.

[Eldest]

It's just, like, a little matter of time. And then I did the show for the first time, and me and Anthony hit it off, and Anthony's like, the rose.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Your views on black people kind of aligned. You guys bonded over some, like, message boards you're both a part of.

[Eldest]

Yeah, we talked the dark web, but he. He and I hit it off quick. And then, like, the. I just. I just. And Burr was really behind me, and Burr was like, I. The rose. This kid's funny, you know?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Eldest]

And, dude, I was with Burr. I was talking about this the other day, man. I did. I used to open for Burr. I played. I opened for Burr. First sold out club weekend he ever did.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That's awesome.

[Eldest]

First theater he ever did.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Wow.

[Eldest]

First Madison Square Garden. I was with Burr through the entire, like. Yeah, I was with him. And I. It was fun to be a part of that.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Totally.

[Eldest]

But, yeah, I very much became. Mostly because of Opie and Anthony. I became the sort of, like. Burr used to call me the teen idol sensation because I was, like, the young guy.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Right, right, right.

[Eldest]

And I wasn't quite part of, like, you know, if they did, like, you know, a story about Opie and Anthony in a magazine or something or, like. Or, like, when they did the Traveling Virus tour, I wasn't quite fully in. In the way all of the Mount Rushmore guys were in for them, but I was the kid, and I was like, yeah. You know, and, like, the. Almost like, the protege of those guys or whatever. And, like. And was. It was an itch. It. That toughened me up a lot, you know? You know, I'm not gonna say there weren't times where I didn't get my feelings.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Oh, God, of course.

[Eldest]

But that tough.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I mean, I just opened for. Just opening for Bobby, let alone eight of those guys. One time, Bobby called me, called Colin Quinn on speaker, and they were just kind of on me together, and I was like, fool, this is brute. Just these two. Just Quinn kind of checked out. Shitting on me with Bobby was, like, still something I think about sometimes. Like, damn, they got me good. I can't imagine five of those motherfuckers just by using you as a pinata.

[Eldest]

The worst one ever. The worst one ever. I've told this story so many times, but it's the worst one ever. I had a. When I first lived in New York, I had a beard and, like, almost Afro ear.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That's an awesome look.

[Eldest]

Yeah, I looked way more of my Arab.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why don't you look up Joe Derosa beard? Let's see if we can find that eldest.

[Eldest]

You'll find something. Let's see if it's up.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Just comes up with every girlfriend you've ever had. That's all right.

[Eldest]

It's been scrubbed, but we. Look at that. Look at that. Me and Joey Fatone. That's one of my favorite pictures of all time. I love that. It's online right there. Isn't that the best? We were on a boat in Key West. We were face.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Shout out to Fatone.

[Eldest]

Shouts out to Fatoni, man. Shouts out to Brian Quinn. Getting us all down to Key west, man.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Joey Fatone, cast member of My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

[Eldest]

Yes.

[Ryan Seacrest]

He.

[Eldest]

That's all he did, though, right?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, that's it.

[Eldest]

No, but he. Oh, Patrice. I. I so had a beard and. And frowy hair. And they were talking about some at the Cellar, and I was just, like, sitting there, and it was like, I didn't even know Patrice yet.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

And I chimed in. I was just like, yeah, that's kind of like. That's cool, because that's. And, dude, he literally went like this because, like, I'm like, over there.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

She went like that. And he goes, shut the up. You halfway through a werewolf transformation.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. And I remember those moments where you're kind of, like, stealing yourself up to even jump in, like, just even to be like, yeah, yeah. That's kind of crazy. Like, how many times I've blown it trying to get into, like, a conversation circle. I don't belong in. To be. Yeah. Battle back.

[Eldest]

The worst, dude. The most brutal.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

Did you ever used to walk through the cellar when a tell was on stage?

[Ryan Seacrest]

No. No.

[Eldest]

So you know the main room of the cellar?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yep.

[Eldest]

The McDougal one, you know, the bat. The only bathroom is downstairs. Downstairs through the showroom. Right. So if you go to the bathroom. I'm explaining for people that don't know. If you go to the bathroom, you have to walk literally through the crowd.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

Directly.

[Ryan Seacrest]

It's pretty horrible. Yeah, yeah, it sucks. It sucks.

[Eldest]

And most comics are very cool about it. A tell would stop whoever it was every single time.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

And then throw you into something he was riffing on. And if you were not. I remember one time he was like, joe, you know, I don't know, clap the redhead. I'm calling her clown pussy or whatever, you know, he was like. He's like, what do you think of that, Joe? And I was like, well, you know, and I. Dude, I didn't mean to say that. Natalia just goes like this. He goes like, you stop me.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're trying to get out a complex thought. You're trying to get.

[Eldest]

I don't know what to do. Everybody's looking at me. It feels like you walked into a boardroom meeting at a hotel by accident.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

And everybody's like, what are you doing? You know, like, oh, my God. It's the worst feeling.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That's fun. I mean, did you. Were you. Were you always like somebody? Because it also sounds like, though maybe that was something. I don't know. My guess is, you know, like, you're saying adopted kid, only child. Maybe not just in this, but in other stuff. Were you, like, looking to be a part of, like, whether that's a team or like, you know, these sort of, like, almost like, stand in family situation? Because that does feel like that a little bit. The little brother in, like, a little group.

[Eldest]

There's a nice part of that to me. I am very, very, like. I'm not kidding, dude. Like, when I said, I'll cry once a day if I talk about my friends. Yeah, I will probably start crying.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Right?

[Eldest]

Like, if I talk because. Because we all know a lot of people and we all have a lot of acquaintances in this life.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Sure.

[Eldest]

Like, when. When you know, when you. When you. When. When I talk about, like, my friends, like, the people I know like, that love me like that have my back. I'll start fucking crying, dude. I will start crying, dude. I told Ari. I told our. Jesus Christ, dude. I told ARI2, three weeks ago. There was. There's a person that was in me and Ari's life that introduced. It was our manager at the time. She. She. She repped both of us. Her name was Sam Safer. She's Alive?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

Sorry.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Something horrible happened to her, but she.

[Eldest]

Repped me in Ari, and she. We did. We did Edinburgh together. We. We're. We're doing Edinburgh at the same time. And, you know, you got to find a place to live and you got to find people to live with and stuff. And she goes, I want you to live with Ari. And I was like, no. She's like, why? Because I didn't really know him.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And I was like.

[Eldest]

I was like, no. He's like, that guy. Like, he's always like. He's the. Whip his dick out.

[Ryan Seacrest]

He's gonna do. Sure.

[Eldest]

She's like, he's a great guy. Just trust me. Just trust me. Just trust me. And I'm like, all right. And I was like, I knew him, but, like, sure. Not like that. We live together. That trip. He was like, such a rock for me. And that's, like, where like, a. A best friendship started, you know? He's like, gonna be one of my best friends till I die.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Sure.

[Eldest]

And it started there. And I. Dude, I told. I. We were out having a few. A couple weeks ago, and I. I told him while, you know, we were outside, I was having a cigarette and I was like, like, I will always love Sam because of you. I almost started crying right now. Yeah, yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You're tearing up, like.

[Eldest]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And it's about Ari Shafir. Jesus Christ. Imagine an actual good person.

[Eldest]

Imagine if I was talking about a human being that's some sort of lizard man. But, dude, I was like. I was like. Like, this is because of you, dude.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Eldest]

You know, I was talking about it with. With. It's funny, the person that I was dating and involved with, that we had broken up and we're on good terms. But I was telling her, I was like, like Matt Edgar, who's a great guy, great comic down in Austin. Now Matt's become one of my best friends. And I was like. I was like, like, do you realize, brother, I was like, the re. Like, me breaking up with somebody gave us our friendship because you were the dude I called because I needed advice from somebody that was in Austin.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

And I thought you'd be able to give me that advice. And I didn't know you well enough that I literally detect you and say, hey, brother, can I. Can. Can I hit you for advice?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Eldest]

Is that weird?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

And you were like, no, brother, not at all. And you called me and you talked to me for 90 minutes, and every time I've had a problem, you've talked to me for 90 minutes. I go. I go. Breakups are terrible, man. They're emotional.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. I mean, if she's. If she's not. If she's still underage, I mean, you gotta break it off, man. I mean, if she's threatening to go to the police, I re. I would cut it off. I would delete all the text messages. Snapchat, too. It's not. You know, we learned that the hard way.

[Eldest]

We're two months closer.

[Ryan Seacrest]

So you're saying not even hand stuff until she's 18?

[Eldest]

Definitely not mouth. I get not mouth stuff.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Come on. She's. What if she wore gloves?

[Eldest]

But I'm like, dude, I'm like, how crazy is this? I go. I go, you're one of my, like, best pals now. And I go. And it came because of a hard thing I had to go through. Yeah. I don't know, man. Stuff like that. When you find, like, the. Not to be corny, but, like, when you find the beauty that comes out of the heartache, like, that's beautiful, man.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

Like that. I'm emotional, dude.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

I get. You know.

[Ryan Seacrest]

No, it seems. I mean, and that's. I. I think that's also good, is to be, like. You know, to actually feel things instead of. To, like, be pushing it down and, you know, maybe can be a little. The flip side is, like, overreacting to stuff, but it's better to react in some way and to be moved one way or the other than to just not feel anything, brother.

[Eldest]

I have that with you.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

I have this with you. I have this exact thing with you. We're. You and I went in my. We were friendly.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Sure.

[Eldest]

We were pals. We were. Whatever you want to call it. The moment I was like, stav is now, my friend. Was the day that I was having a. A thing that I was dealing with. Regard with. I remember that.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Your parents. Yeah.

[Eldest]

And we were on set of tires, and it was like 6:15 in the morning. Some ungodly hourly. Yeah. And, like, I just was like, brother, dude. Like, I don't. I can. I know you come from a big fan. Can I talk to you about this? Because I was like, this is distracting me.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

And I don't know what to do. And, like, you're like, yeah, dude. And you talked to me. You gave me such good advice. The care was there. It was beautiful, dude. And then I remember. This is. This is the little. I remember, dude. I remember the next time I saw you on set after that conversation was the first time you. Every other time I Saw you, it was like, what's up, dude? What's up? The next time I saw you, you went, my boy. Yeah. And I was like, there's, like, this new bond. Sure. And it was, like, beautiful, dude. Like, I really, really. You know, I cherish that.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, no, it's good. And I mean, we do. It's. You know, I love giving advice, but I did that in particular because you were up about it. For sure. I do remember that.

[Eldest]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You know, I mean, and parents. I mean, that is hard. You know what I mean? Like, parental is always difficult, and it's always nice to get a little. To get a, you know, a different perspective. For sure.

[Eldest]

Absolutely, dude. Absolutely. So, I mean, I don't know. You're. You're. You're a deep dude, you know, but. Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. You know, about. As long as we're talking Andrew Dice Clay, as long as we're talking types of lo mein, you know, that's. I got some serious.

[Eldest]

Which is every kind of, you know, I'm off low Maine.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You're not a low main guy.

[Eldest]

I was.

[Ryan Seacrest]

What do you do? Chow fun or.

[Eldest]

Yeah, I went to the thinner noodles.

[Ryan Seacrest]

The little thinner. Yeah, I like. I like. If I'm gonna do anything, I'm gonna go thicker, actually. Isn't chow. Which chow fun is the thick?

[Caller]

Chow fun is like, those thin, thick ones.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Thick ones.

[Caller]

They're, like, wide.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I don't like the angel hair ones. The like. I like chow main.

[Eldest]

I like the extremes. I like either the. The thin or the big flats.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yes.

[Eldest]

There's something about the lo mein. It's just the rights. It's just a certain size of it. I'm like. It's getting in my way in a weird way. Hard to explain.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I would like. I don't mind the kind of. Of the thin. The, like, size of them, but I wouldn't mind them being a little thicker. I wouldn't mind the little square being a little bigger. I want a substantial lomaine. I don't want it to, like. I don't want to. I want to be kind of a. I wanted to be. I wanted to be a struggle to slurp it up.

[Eldest]

And that's just your low main flavor.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I. You know, it depends. I mean, I do kind of gravitate towards a beef.

[Eldest]

Okay.

[Ryan Seacrest]

But I'll go shrimp as well. If I'm having a beef and broccoli, I'm gonna get a shrimp lo mein.

[Eldest]

Okay.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You know, it's. It's really order dependent, you know?

[Eldest]

Yeah. I go. When I get Chinese food.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, let's talk about this.

[Eldest]

Yeah, I get.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Let's bring our beautiful brains to the people.

[Eldest]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Help them, too. But tell me your Chinese order.

[Eldest]

I get. I hit every food group.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I love that.

[Eldest]

So I go like. I get the fried chicken wings.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yes. So far, we're aligned.

[Eldest]

Barbecue spare ribs. Oh, you'll throw the spare ribs in there every time.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Interesting. Okay, egg roll.

[Eldest]

So there's your two porks. We got a chicken. Then I'll do like, a beef and pepper or whatever it is. You know, something like that.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Sure.

[Eldest]

And then the noodle dish or the rice dish is shrimp. So I'm hitting.

[Ryan Seacrest]

See, I got it all. I will go to. I will go a rice and a noodle. I'll go fried rice and noodle.

[Eldest]

Really?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. Over the spare ribs. I think that's the. We're pretty close. I would just swap out spare ribs for fried rice.

[Eldest]

Real.

[Ryan Seacrest]

See, see?

[Eldest]

Are you. Are you one of these people? Because to me, the noodle and the rice dish is always a side.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yep.

[Eldest]

But I. I dated a girl, like, her main thing was, like, a fried rice.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That's insane. It's a side. That's. That's. That would piss me off. If I saw someone and they didn't want to share the fried rice, they just like, no, this is my meal. It's like, what, are you out of your mind? You go to a Italian restaurant, just order, like, butter noodles and nothing else.

[Eldest]

Yeah, it's. It's like going to McDonald's and. No, I. I eat fries as my meal. Yeah, it's so weird. Yeah, Like. But. Yeah, but.

[Ryan Seacrest]

But there's something off putting about that.

[Eldest]

Now the lo mein.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

Yeah, it is. It's.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I don't like it at all.

[Eldest]

The low main, I could see a little more acceptable as a dish, depending.

[Ryan Seacrest]

On how big the chunks of meat are, but even that. See, if I'm having lo mein, I also wouldn't mind. I want a little white rice as a side as well. I like to mix.

[Eldest]

Wait, you want to bring a second rice?

[Ryan Seacrest]

If I look, obviously, I like to be carb. I like to have in my perfect plate is lo mein fried rice, a little bit of white rice, a chicken wing, an egg roll, and then that beef stuff. You know, beef and broccoli usually just get a little roughage in there, you know, or the, you know, peppers bait. But anyway, some kind of beef.

[Eldest]

The hot pepper beef one is awesome.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Pretty good. But I want it all. I want all those things. I want a. I want a beef. I Want a, Want to. I want a chicken wing. And I want. I guess it would probably be a shrimp lo mein, but then. Well, and then I probably would get pork fried rice and shrimp lo mein to kind of space it. And that's how I'm hitting all the.

[Eldest]

Do you ever get the house fried where it's everything?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, I'll throw that in the mix sometimes, but I even that sometimes that's too many meats in there and it takes away from the, the rice or the lo mein.

[Eldest]

I've always, I've gotten it. I've always found it suspect. I don't understand why it's all the leftovers.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I think it's the leftover stuff.

[Eldest]

Same price to get everything.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That's a great question. That's a great question.

[Eldest]

Like, it's weird, but I, I, it.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Overpowers the dish, in my opinion.

[Eldest]

It is a little much. I agree. And then do you put. I'll do this the next day with, with the leftover fried rice. I'll put it in a bowl and then I mix it up with duck sauce.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Okay.

[Eldest]

And a little soil. It's a whole new experience.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I like that. I think, again, the duck sauce can be a little overpowering to me. The beauty of the Chinese and getting this many things we're talking about, that's four meals right there.

[Eldest]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You know what I mean?

[Eldest]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And I'm gonna have them. I'm gonna have two back to back. Don't get me wrong. But the next day, that's another one. And then there's the. Fine. Maybe when I get the sauces involved and it's like, it's the last possible scraping. Scrapings where it's like the chicken wings have been gone. You know what I mean? The egg rolls are gone. Now we're really getting desperate and we're put, you know, we're scraping little bits of beef from the beef and broccoli in there. And that's when I might come up with like, a really fucked up slurry.

[Eldest]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You know, almost like a. Yeah.

[Eldest]

Stew. The. We're. Yeah. Like, this is, we're talking like one of my ultimate, like, like my rainy day meals and my depression meals are the same thing because they're serving the same purpose. I'm on the couch all day watching stuff I already know and love.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Eldest]

And I'm gonna eat. Like, I'm gonna eat, lay down, fall asleep, wake up, eat again, lay down, fall asleep, Right?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Eldest]

So I do it. But that's My two go to. No are. It's. It's like Chinese, like smorgasbord.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Love it.

[Eldest]

Or I go full family meal from kfc.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Wow.

[Eldest]

Respect. Respect. And I just keep making the plates.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I like that. I really like that. Yeah. I've never thought of the of fried chicken for that, but I could. For me, it would probably be the smorgasbord or a pizza order that also has wings attached and maybe fries.

[Eldest]

So I'm glad you said that because one other one I will do. I'm not kidding. One other one I will do is I'll get a pizza and a cheesesteak and a hoagie.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And a hoagie. Respect.

[Eldest]

And I'm having a little tiny hoagie. Little cheese stick.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Wow, that's awesome. I love that. I love that. I would probably sub the hoagie for the wings, but we're pretty close. We're pretty aligned.

[Eldest]

Listen, brother, put a hoagie on top of the rings, on top of the hoagie.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Nothing wrong with that. You're right. Maybe some tenders, even some fries. Let's get to these questions before I put in. Put in a 400 seamless order.

[Eldest]

Eldest I know. You know, worked up.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, dude, that sounds so good. All right, what do we got here? Let's. Let's take some of this. And let's not forget, I never promised you a rose garden right now out today. Go watch it, guys.

[Eldest]

At Joe De Rosa Comedy on. On YouTube.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, we will link it right here. Give it a click and yeah, let's take some of. Let's take some of our. Let's use our beautiful minds to help the people, Joe.

[Eldest]

Okay.

[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Caller]

Hey star. Hey LD esteemed guest. So I'm 30 years old, been married for a while now. I adore my wife. She's my best friend, great girl, but she feels like I'm not having sex with her enough.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Wow.

[Caller]

And basically like, you know, when we first got together, we like jackrabbits constantly, you know, multiple, multiple times a day as you do in a new relationship. And you know, it's kind of slowed down now and basically it's kind of my fault. But I hate to sound shallow, but like, you know, she put on a lot of weight over the years and you know, I don't care what she looks like. I love her for her.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I absolutely adore, clearly do.

[Caller]

But like, you know, I can't force my dick to be like, hey dick, let's go. You know what I mean?

[Ryan Seacrest]

That's crazy.

[Caller]

And she thinks like now like, oh, I just have a shitty sex drive and like, you know, I need to get on boner pills and it's like, no, dude, I'm pounding off like, like three, four times a day.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That's insane. Hold on, hold on. You're jacking off four times a day but you won't your wife, cuz she's a little fatter than she was before. That's lunacy. But I guess let's.

[Eldest]

She probably really appreciates him calling his favorite podcast, giving his name and distinctive voice.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Let's finish this N. It wasn't me.

[Eldest]

His name's L.D. he's like, that guy's name was A.L.D.

[Caller]

Hit us with like three, four times a day and nuts if she knew that it would break her heart.

[Eldest]

So she's gonna know.

[Caller]

Not only do, you know, I worry about her weight for, you know, the sake of our sex life. It's also like a health thing. Like, you know, we're 30 now, you know, and I'm starting to get worried that, you know, her weight may, you know, affect her life adversely or her health adversely. And. And I just, you know, don't know how to approach that with her, that conversation. And, you know, I honestly don't think I could ever bring myself to be like, yeah, I'm not you, because, you know, I'm not as attracted to you as I once was. It would break her heart. And, you know, I don't ever want to hurt her like that. So I just. I don't know what to do. Thanks. I love you guys so much. You guys carry my life sometimes.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Thank you. Wow. This is kind of like, you really don't want to fuck her that bad, bro.

[Eldest]

Well, I think my interpretation is. Is he. You know, you can hear the trepidation in his voice. I think he's trying to be nice, and I think he's saying, she put on a little weight. He's like. But he's saying, like, no, no, she gained significant weight. Sure, sure. But he doesn't want to sound like an asshole. That was the way I interpreted.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Okay, that's very possible.

[Eldest]

But my advice to this. Take it or leave it. Look, without. You know, without transparency and honesty, you're. You're doomed. This is doomed anyway.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

Yeah, this is doomed anyway. So. So if you can sit down and have the conversation and have it in a respectful way and voice your concerns first and this. The. The shit about the sex second, you know, that's a conversation you. I think you should probably have, and if it leads to a breakup, it leads to a breakup. But this is. This is heading towards a breakup anyway.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, that's a great point. Is that, like, if you just. If things just kind of. First of all, you may think you're being nice, whatever, but it's like, clearly this is seeped into a. Your sex life, but you're probably resentful in other ways that you're like. You're probably like, are you treating her as nicely? Like, he's saying, like. Like, she's my best friend, whatever. You know what I mean? Like, are you. You're probably not treating her as good as you did when she was hot, huh?

[Eldest]

I'm sorry. I just pictured her going, hey, we need to talk. She's like, hold on, let me get my meatball.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Okay. Just takes that whole tray of lasagna. What did you want to see me about? I'm listening. Yeah. And listen, I am no stranger to. I have literally been the per Like, I have gained weight in every relationship I've ever been in. I've gotten fatter, even fatter.

[Eldest]

But the ladies don't seem to mind you do they?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Don't mind as much. Yeah, they don't mind as much for sure. But it's like in a relationship that's different, right? Like, yeah, I will. I've gotten to girls when I'm fat as. But I just mean like anytime you're in a rel. And, and people have said this about marriage and maybe Elvis is the only married man here. Me and Joe, you know, we, we, you know, he's freshly fucked something up. I've fucked all my relationships up. You know, like, we're not exactly, we don't really know how to, you know, make a marriage. So grain of salt here. But my friends who are in successful long term relationships, they've said things to the effect of like, you kind of like you both grow and you continue to change and you have to like keep falling in love with, with kind of a new person in certain ways. And you're just not, you know, like you're not attracted to your wife in a way that's you, you, you don't want to hurt her feelings, whatever, but by just kind of pretending there's no problem, you are. She does feel like there's a problem. And by the way, do you think she's stupid? Like she, we live in a world where women are judged about their bodies from the time they're 10 years old. Like, like she has some inkling here. Especially if the weight loss is what you know is what you're saying, or the weight gain is like really extreme and, and maybe that's projection on her part. Like, oh, like maybe she is in denial and she's like trying hoping. It's like you have an ED problem, but if you won't even be like, hey, like part of this is, you know, you could say it's a, a mixture of stuff, whatever. But I do agree where you kind of have to have some kind of conversation about this, but because right now he's like, you're already engaging in behaviors that like, would hurt her feelings. Like, yes, feeding off behind her back is step one to cheating in a weird way, like hiding your sex life and pretending your sex life is different. It's like you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're basically divorcing your, you're turning your relationship into two things where it's like this person that I love, but you're almost like saying you just want to be friends with your wife. That's kind of what you're saying right now. And it's like, that's dangerous, I think.

[Eldest]

But also, let's hit it from the other side. The other side of this could be she didn't gain a ton of weight. You're just not into this anymore, right?

[Ryan Seacrest]

That's possible.

[Eldest]

That's possible.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Are you lying to yourself too?

[Eldest]

Here's the thing that both of you, I think, need to understand this concept of I don't think I'll ever date a woman ever again.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Stop. Sentence ends right there. Clip it. We'll do some AI of him kissing guys.

[Eldest]

I don't, you know, I don't, I don't. I just, I don't, I don't see myself ever dating a woman ever again. That, that is not, not sexually exploratory. I just don't. I think the idea of this one on one monogamy, you can never have any outside experience, even if it's together.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Right?

[Eldest]

That man, like, it's not normal. It's, it's. And then all these people, women get. I'm not putting it on women, but I'm just saying, for example, like, yeah, they're all.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I see what you're saying.

[Eldest]

Like, I can't believe he watches porn. It's like, what, what do you want him to do?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah, sure.

[Eldest]

You guys been together for 20 years. Like, like you, it's, it's, it's not a normal thing to, to go well, like, like monogamy amongst our species is not normal. So if we're, if we want it to be normal, we have to start making a few adjustments.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I think, I think, like, I think you're right in terms of you need to be with somebody compatible who shares your views. Right? Like, I think, like, I think it can work for some people. Right? Like, I think. But I agree with you. There are plenty of people that, that it's not exactly right for. I don't know. I don't know that we can go that far with this guy. Right?

[Eldest]

No, no, I'm not saying he's got.

[Ryan Seacrest]

To be like, let's go, let's, let's be open. Is not the solution for this guy.

[Eldest]

That's not, that's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is, is like, there's a version of this where it's like you might just no longer be attracted to this person due to time and basic biology and whatever you want to call it. And that sort of also kind of a normal thing, you know, like. But if you. If you want it to work and you want to fix it, then it's either got to be that you're being too shallow or you have to have a fucking conversation with her.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And I. And I also think the. The solution like everything and especially it feels like for marriage is probably a compromise. Right? Or meeting somewhere in the middle. It's like, dude, you're telling me you're. What you're saying is like you're repulsed by your wife. Because if you're saying a woman is begging you to have sex with every day and you're jacking off four times a day and you don't feel like she's. You would rather. You wouldn't her once instead of. You wouldn't trade your hand for once a day. Then you're. Then it's bigger than I'm. You know what I mean?

[Eldest]

Guess what else too.

[Ryan Seacrest]

What's that?

[Eldest]

You just hit something that I can't believe we neither of us said yet. Dude, beating off the porn is.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That's true.

[Eldest]

Provenly provingly bad.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

For the sex life with your wife.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That's a great point too.

[Eldest]

So as much as I understand porn and its use and why a guy can. Could utilize porn but still love his wife and still have sex with his wife. Because it is a little variety. Yeah, it is proven. So, dude, you're exhausting your dick four times a day on porn. Your brain does not know.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That's a great difference. Yeah, yeah.

[Eldest]

Between watching porn and orgasming to porn to actually having sex. Your brain literally does not know the difference. Difference. Your brain, like when you are cycling through clips, your brain thinks we're cycling through women right now.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Eldest]

And then when you orgasm, it's like we had an orgasm with this person. Like, so it's. It's depleting any chance you have. I think that's yourself a porn break and see how you're feeling in a week.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, no, that's true. You know, it'll make. Yeah, it'll make you want to your wife more. And like that's a great point. It's like stop beating. Go no fap. And you'll want to your wife.

[Eldest]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

But also I also think like, if you're at the point where you would rather jack off and a woman that you love and is your best friend is begging you for dick and you would rather beat off four times a day than her, even every other day, then this is a bigger problem. Than she put on a couple pounds. Like, you are fully, completely, not just not that attracted to her, but repulsed by her. So you have to start being honest with yourself about is this fixable? Do you have a. Are you beating off to, like, crazy shit too much? It's like, you know, also, it's like she's put on some weight. How have you. Have you been. Are you in great shape? Do you resent her for that? Have you. Was that something important to you? That's another thing. As you grow and you, you know, in these relationships, if you don't have conversations about basic, like, values and honestly, this is one of those things, right? Some people are like. Like, hey, when. As I grow older, I'm just gonna kind of let myself, you know, Fitness is not a huge deal for me. I'm a try. You know, it's whatever. Some people are like, you know, If I gain £10 a year, what. You know, if I gain. If I gain, like a couple pounds a year, and then as I age, who cares? Some people are freaks about staying, you know, keeping like. This could just be a values thing you don't share, but either way, there's something bigger than just like, oh, I don't. I'm not that attracted to her. You have to have a conversation. And yes, what's more important? Hurt. Like, try maybe slightly hurting her feelings or just basically slowly letting this. Because what you're on is a path to this not being a relationship at all. You might argue this isn't. It isn't one right now. If you're in a sexless marriage where one person is begging the other one and you can't even. Or want. Like, you can't fuck her every once in a while, bro.

[Eldest]

You're worried about a shipwreck, brick. But this is an erosion that's happening.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yes. Yeah, absolutely.

[Eldest]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You're just. It's just slow. The raft is slowly losing air right now. You know what I mean? Like.

[Eldest]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

So anyway, whatever, man. Good luck. You. What else we got? Eldest. I'm thinking about Chinese food stuff.

[Joe DeRosa]

Esteemed guest. First time, long time. You know the deal. I'm 24, but I've been struggling with a sex edition my entire adult life. Pretty much sleeping with a lot of people I shouldn't and feeling a lot of shame and really gross about it afterwards. I'm in therapy now, and we have it really under control. I'm doing really good. But my dilemma is this. I'm essentially the depraved boy of the friend group, and whenever I Tell my friends some of the sick I've done. The joy on their face completely outweighs the shame and guilt that I feel.

[Ryan Seacrest]

So you're gay. I'm wondering if you. What the important part of sex is telling your male friends about it. That's more important to you. Anyway, go ahead.

[Joe DeRosa]

And I'm wondering if you think it's worth it to keep indulging while I'm young, while I can still do it, just so I get those great stories every once in a while to tell my friends.

[Ryan Seacrest]

No.

[Joe DeRosa]

When I let them know I was banging a married woman in an open relationship in a cemetery and the laughter they had after that.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Wow. I mean, that's crazy.

[Joe DeRosa]

That outweighed all the shame I felt from sleeping with sex workers.

[Ryan Seacrest]

First of all, those aren't the two.

[Joe DeRosa]

Things that I've done.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Also, sleeping with sex work is not disgusting.

[Eldest]

No.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You have a weird hangout, dude.

[Eldest]

This guy needs to stop being a pussy.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Crushing ass.

[Eldest]

And he's like, I'm sad about it. Do you want to just enjoy it, dude? Or don't. And if you don't enjoy it, then don't do it. Like, the shame you're feeling is. First of all, it's very natural to feel some shame and don't, because you're. It's a dopamine depletion after you orgasm. Which is one of the reasons why I had that my whole life. And then when I was 45, a clinician was like, I did a blood panel. And she was like, your testosterone is really low. You should get on a testosterone treatment.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Holy.

[Eldest]

So I did. And she's like, it's going to improve your sex drive in some way. But I didn't know how. She just said, that's going to be part of this. And I was like, well, that's cool. All of a sudden, when I had sex, I didn't immediately feel sad. Afterwards when I jerked off, I didn't immediately feel sad afterwards. And I always thought that that was like, shame and guilt. And then I looked up low testosterone orgasm. And the first thing I found was it was like, you will have a feeling of depression and whatever. Like, so that's part of it, but also too.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I've been low t my whole life.

[Eldest]

It's. It'll. It'll.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

Like, it'll get you. Like when. When I got into Celsius, like that thing of like, like, so, you know, sometimes you'll. Not to be crass, but like, sometimes you'll sleep with or rude, but sometimes you'll sleep with somebody. And you're like, as soon as it's done.

[Ryan Seacrest]

What if I don't?

[Eldest]

Yeah, I gotta get out of here. Whatever. And that started going away. Like, all of it was like, all I was. I was like, oh, there's a mental connection to all this, so that could be part of it. But look, you know, dude, my. My friend. I had a friend who. I'm not religious, but I had a friend, and his friend was a priest, and he would talk about, like, guys coming into confession and talking about this kind of stuff.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That's awesome. The priest was just letting you. Just over beers telling you about that.

[Eldest]

And the priest said, he's always the same thing. He goes, of course you're depressed. Your sins are many. And. And he didn't mean it like you're. You're sinning against God. He just meant it like you're. You're living in an empty way.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

Like you're living in a selfish way. And that is causing. Of course that's going to make you sad. So, you know, this. This sounds like an addiction that's also going to carry guilt with it and stuff. And it sounds like. Like you need to get some of that guilt might be coming from some of these things we're talking about. But it sounds to me, at the end of the day, you have an addiction. You're continuing to steer into your addiction. For some reason, you need your friend that you've got. We talked about imposter syndrome earlier. You've got imposter syndrome with your own friends that you think you need them to light up and smile and laugh at sex stories so if they don't, they won't like you or something. Something.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That's all you bring to the table. And your view. That's a good. That's a good point. Is like, this guy, clearly his. I. What. His, like, relationship to sex is so up in so many different ways where it's like, you know, he says he has all this shame. He says he's doing stuff he's not proud of. But then he, like, wants to tell his. Like the fact that your friends. This is like being like, oh, the heroin is really ruining me, but my boys love hearing about me doing it. It's like, come on, dude, respect yourself a little bit. And again, we're. We're two fucking real pieces of shit on this podcast where it's like, what you've done does. It would not phase us. I promise you, whatever the most disgusting thing you think you've done, I promise You, Joe or I have fucking done it. You know what I mean? So we're not coming at this from a prude perspective. No, but you clearly want to be in therapy. He's talking about how he. It's. It's going well. He's in therapy, he's getting the under control. Showing off for your friends is like, you're literally. That's little kid thinking, dude. And being an adult is like, that's. This is literally like. Yeah. You know the classic if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you go with them type where it's like, just cuz your friends think it's cool doesn't mean you have to keep doing something harmful to yourself.

[Eldest]

Well, also too, if I may add another thing. Look man, some of this can just be the sexual encounters you're pursuing, right? Like some of this guilt you're feeling could be like, no, I had sex with a sex worker. Which is fine, there's nothing wrong with that. But it's like, but, but you might have. You might be like you're in your subconscious level shit, man. I hope that was she. Was she. She's clean. And I hope that I'm safe and you know what I mean? You start doing that, you have sex with a woman in an open marriage. I hope it's actually open. What if it's not? What if her husband actually comes and hurts me? You know, like. Like these are things like these, these people that you're engaging with. There's nothing wrong with engaging with them, but maybe it's just the scenarios themselves that are also making you feel very uncomfortable. I don't know if you have a real sex addiction. I would go, I would start going to sex parties and shit and feed it.

[Ryan Seacrest]

It's like a fever. Feed the fever. Starve a cor. Cold fever. Feeder fever. At least starve a sex addiction. Fetus, starve a heroin addiction.

[Eldest]

At least see if it works. At that point maybe I don't know, you go, you know what?

[Ryan Seacrest]

I feel great. Yeah, make yourself. It's like when you're. When you catch your son smoking one cigarette, you're like, you're gonna smoke the whole pack. We're catching you. You're gonna 12 at this party, pal, until you're sick of pussy. Yeah, look, go to a sex party if you want want. But I think ultimately you're on the path that what, for whatever reason, right? Even if you're. If you're a bit. There's a way you could behave this way and it doesn't affect you and we'd be fine with it. No one here would judge you. But it does affect you negatively. And you clearly want a healthier relationship to sex. You wanna. You want. And I agree, there's probably ways where you can maybe take away the things that make you feel really bad and then just have a healthier like, you know, you're. You are young. Maybe you don't have to necessarily get married or anything, but you could be hooking up with people. But know you. It could be people you have some kind of connection to. Either way, it's not worth. I mean, this. You're 24. You have to start shedding the thinking of doing stuff to impress your friends. That's pathetic.

[Eldest]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

So that's the number one takeaway. Figure out your relationship to sex. It's good. You're. You're trying to. You know, it's gotten to the point where it's addiction. You're in therapy for it. Figure out what's right for you and do that. And your friends won't give a. You think. You think that's all you're bringing to the table? You're bringing more to the table. They actually like you. A lot of the times the you worry about is just like a throwaway to people. They don't consider you the guy who, you know, they think it's funny, but it's like, you know, those stories end for everyone at some point.

[Eldest]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

But, you know, good luck, whatever. Who cares? I want pizza now. I'm thinking of rotisserie chicken, too. Peruvian chicken cheesesteak. Yeah.

[Eldest]

Here's the thing is like, I want to mix it up. I want a cheesesteak and fried chicken wings from the Chinese place.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That's a power move.

[Eldest]

You know what's great? When a pizza place's wings are the breaded fried ones and not just the regular hot wings. You're. You're in a whole new bowl.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I do like those you got. When a pizza place has good wings, huge plus.

[Eldest]

Yes.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Humongous plus. But I've seen people really fuck up the breaded ones too, though that can be an issue. I've seen pizza places because I think the worst wings are those breaded ones because they're just like super froze, like totally frozen, and they don't give a fuck. But if they do that in a, like, elevated way, that's.

[Eldest]

Well, here. Here's my thing. I enjoy both. But there's a specific version of that breaded one that tastes when you get it. You're the frozen one you get when you get it. You're like, oh, this is the.

[Ryan Seacrest]

This is the one. You're right. This is the G1. If I had to get. If I had to have a low quality wing, it's that frozen breaded one fried hard.

[Eldest]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Because they're like, this is crispy. This is nice. It hides some of the imperfections of the low grade chicken.

[Eldest]

Yeah. You know, and they taste exactly like when KFC had hot wings and they were just breaded but spicy.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you're talking about. Those are good with the spices baked into the bread. Yeah.

[Eldest]

I don't want sauce on top of breading.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yes. Those are good. Done right. Those are very good.

[Eldest]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Folks, you know what I want you to do this summer? Create an oasis with Thuma, a modern design company that specializes in furniture and home goods. I have a Thuma bed in my beautiful home in Baltimore. My. That is my oasis. I can't wait to go back. Actually, I'm about to go visit my family for a couple days. I'm going to step foot. I'm going to have a wonderful night's sleep in my rest. Not only is it a restful bedroom, but it looks awesome. Thanks to the little touches from Thuma. I got the. I got the bed, the platform bed. It's awesome. I have little side tables. Thuma's got it all. I'm. I love my Thuma stuff and it was very easy for me to put together because I'm pretty. I'm not gifted when it comes to these hands. My father was a contractor carpenter. I did not get any of those skills. I'm. I'm main. I'm just a show. I'm just a little show business guy. I wasn't. I wasn't meant to put beds together, but even a dummy like me put together my Thuma bed in like five minutes. No tools required. Just hand tightened screw. Can you believe that? It's beautiful. Clean lines, subtle curves, minimalist style. The Thuma bed collection is available from four signature finishes to match any design aesthetic. Headboard upgrades are available for customization as desired. I don't even have the. I'll be honest with you. Get the headboard if you want to go all out. I just have the plain bed. It looks awesome. Awesome. To get $100 towards your first bed purchase, go to Thuma Co Stavi. That's T H U M A.co Stavi to receive $100 off your first bed purchase. All right, all right, next question. Eldis, let's do a Couple more here.

[Joe DeRosa]

Hey, Savvy, I got a question for you. I'm a big tits guy and I know. I know you are too.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That's right.

[Joe DeRosa]

For some context, my wife and I, we are both in our late 20s, and my wife has wonderful big old rack on her, and it's one of my favorite things. But she recently learned from multiple doctors now that she has a gene that increases her likelihood of breast cancer drastically.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Oh, my gosh.

[Joe DeRosa]

Basically makes it so that between now and the rest of her life, the doctors are saying there's a 60 to 70% chance that she will get breast cancer at least once. And her mom has had breast cancer twice now. Okay, so we're pretty worried about it. No, the doctors recommend that she gets a double mastectomy.

[Eldest]

How is there even.

[Ryan Seacrest]

This is insane.

[Joe DeRosa]

Completely remove both of her breasts. Nipples and everything.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Nipples and everything. Oh, my God. Nothing.

[Joe DeRosa]

My wife is pretty concerned about to.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Save your wife's life right now.

[Joe DeRosa]

She doesn't want to get the procedure done because she also knows that I like breasts.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I.

[Joe DeRosa]

Big breasts a lot. So she's very self conscious, and I'm trying to reassure her. So. So, you know, in short, my question to you is, what should I do to reassure her? Every once in a while she makes jokes that to our friends that once she gets this operation done, we're never.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Going to have sex again.

[Joe DeRosa]

Because most of the time I get hard by playing with her boobs. So, you know, I want to reassure.

[Caller]

Her.

[Joe DeRosa]

And we will stay together forever. So I just want to hear your advice on this and maybe what would you do in this situation for yourself?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Okay. All right. This is better than I thought it was gonna be. Yes. But also, like. I'm sorry, I'm confused. You can't get fake tits. The fuck.

[Eldest]

Yeah. No, they reconstruct. They make a new.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Did Angelina Jolie famously get the double mastectomy and she has big ass fake tits now?

[Eldest]

They make. Yeah, they make new tits. They. They make a fake nipple. They tattoo. What they do is they. Well, I. I learned how they make the fake nipple when my mom had breast cancer. They. They take.

[Ryan Seacrest]

You're like, give her a nice rack. You're like, I'm staying on the road extra mile. You're getting the top nipples. They can get you.

[Eldest]

They make. They take a little piece of skin and they make like, the bump part and then they tattoo the areola.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Oh, look at that.

[Eldest]

And they make, like a fake nipple.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Perfect. Perfect.

[Eldest]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I mean, look, what are we even talking about? First of All. What the is wrong with your. Like, how low is your wife's self esteem that she's like, well, I'll just. I'll just have a 70 chance of cancer so my husband can get hard.

[Eldest]

Here's my question, and maybe I'm ignorant as. Why. Why do you have to preemptively do it? Why can't you just keep getting regular checkups and then if they. They. They see signs of cancer, then do it?

[Caller]

I. I googled it when I got this question because that seemed a little weird to me too. Like, why would you, like, preemptively do that? But that is something that is done when there's, like, a high likelihood of breast cancer.

[Eldest]

I know. So there's got to be a reason why.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, I think it's probably just safer.

[Caller]

It's like, it is kind of like a standard route you can take if, like, you know, you're highly likely.

[Ryan Seacrest]

If that was me, right? Like, if that was me, and they're like testicular cancer, you could get one of your nuts. I would. I wouldn't check my nuts every four months. I would get them chopped off and get, like, a little fake nut in there. You know what I mean? Like, I wouldn't risk this. So I think it's just a little easier, though. But I'm just. I'm just trying to say, like, I'm just. I see why you would just do it. You know what I mean? Because it's like, if you can just remove the likelihood that cancer is coming into your, you know, into your body at all, I think you do it.

[Eldest]

I know a girl who had this done when she was like, 22, and she was. I met her after she had this preemptive thing done, and she was one of the hottest girls I've ever seen in my life. I saw her. My buddy was. Was hooking up with her, and I slept on her couch one night, and in the middle of the night, she came out for, like, water, and she was in, like, a tank top and panties, and she was like, one of the. I was like, yeah, you can. You. You can carry on.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. This is like. I mean, is there some reason. Is there something we're missing about not getting implants? I don't understand, because he didn't really mention them, and that seems to me like the answer.

[Eldest]

I'm assuming he left out a detail of either my wife doesn't want to get fake boobs.

[Ryan Seacrest]

There's no way.

[Eldest]

Or I, you know, I'm not attracted. I hate There are guys out there. I'm not defending it, but there are guys out there that are just like. Like, I loathe fake tits and they turn me off. You know, I couldn't be.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I couldn't be more anti. I mean, that's ridiculous.

[Eldest]

I don't.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I've said this before. It's like, stand. Why are you standing in the way of science? Yeah, like, it's like, I. I've said again, okay, don't have air conditioning.

[Eldest]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Don't drink pasteurized milk then. You know what I mean? Like, we have. We have techno. Don't take Advil when you have a headache if you don't want science, man.

[Eldest]

I feel like there's a part of this just. He might have left that out where he was like, maybe she's like, no, I won't get reconstructed, but.

[Ryan Seacrest]

But somebody.

[Eldest]

Or maybe she. He's like, I'm turned off my fake boobs. And she's like, well, I don't want to do it because I don't want you to not be a tr. I don't know.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That's crazy, though, because this woman is saying she's. She's thinking about risking keeping her tits around for him. She wouldn't get fake tits. I don't understand. So anyway, reassure her so I, you know, get breast implants and then be like, like, also. The fact that you've let this go on this long is insane. The fact that this comes up and you're like, hey, you're being ridic. Like, you. I love you more than anything. The idea that you would not do that you would risk your life for this kind of reason. I'm almost offended that you would play with your life for, like, that. Like, I can't even. The fact she's even making these jokes, like, how haven't you nipped this in the bud? Like. Like, I know, you know, we're comedians. Whatever, everything's. But it's like, I would have to sit my wife down and be like, we're not joking about this. This isn't funny. This is your life. We're gonna do this.

[Eldest]

Control her.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, control your. Control your fat titted and get her some big fake tits. I mean, that's it, dude. Chop the. Chop her natural big natties off and get her some big fakies.

[Eldest]

And then for the rest of your life, you get to hold that over her head.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

And who bought you those titties?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Exactly.

[Eldest]

This is a power move, dude. Take it. Take the power.

[Ryan Seacrest]

It's the most I've said it. We've said it on the podcast before. It's one of the most romantic things I can think of is buying somebody fake tits because, you know, there's no guarantee she leaves you those, I think go with them.

[Eldest]

That reconstruction, I think that's the most remaining thing. Then you say, honey, can I please pay to reconstruct your lunch meat pussy.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That's beautiful. That is beautiful. Yeah. And I hope you find that one day. Joe, what else we got? L.D.

[Eldest]

You know what they should. When they do a vagina reconstruction.

[Ryan Seacrest]

What about.

[Eldest]

They should put one of those automatic air freshener things.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Goes off every. Goes off every 25 minutes. Yeah. From the top corner that you're like, yeah, I don't want to do chemically, though. I want to just fresh air. Yeah, we'll think about it. We'll draw some schematics up.

[Joe DeRosa]

Hey, Scov. Hey, Otis.

[Eldest]

Hey.

[Joe DeRosa]

Esteemed guests have a question about a group of guys that been friends with since college. We had a fantasy football league and it's been going on for a couple of years now. The problem is the guy that is the commissioner had a fight with one of the guys and they left. And so last year, he invited his wife to join the league. His wife is cool. It's fine. But the problem is that they started trading with each other and all everybody.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Else is pissed now. That's not good.

[Joe DeRosa]

Not really. Sure other guys have talked about about not joining, but it's one of the only times or places that we still connect together since college. So just wondering your advice. Should we just quit the league and start our own? Tell this guy fuck you. Or should we just suck it up and say, you know, this. This guy's livelihood, this is his wife. She's probably just making him do it, but wanted to know your advice. Saw you on the road on the Dream Boat tour. It was awesome.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Thanks for coming.

[Joe DeRosa]

You and JP both killed it. Thank you. Bye.

[Ryan Seacrest]

I mean, look, his wife's cool, but it changes the vibe immediately. Like, it's like. It just becomes a different thing with a fantasy league when it's like almost like a reunion with the. Like, think about your group chat with the fellas. Think about if one of their wives was in it. It's a completely different place. Place. Even if she's cool as it just. There's no way it's not a little neutered.

[Eldest]

I gotta be honest, and I feel bad. Yeah, I zoned out. I didn't listen. I don't even know what you're talking about something caught my attention. What's this problem?

[Ryan Seacrest]

Basically.

[Eldest]

Sorry.

[Ryan Seacrest]

He's in a fantasy football league. It's okay. Thank you for your. For your honesty, being upfront about it.

[Eldest]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

This guy's an infantasy football league.

[Eldest]

League.

[Ryan Seacrest]

The commissioner got in a fight with some guy, kicked him out.

[Eldest]

Okay.

[Ryan Seacrest]

The commissioner's wife is now his replacement. Right. And he's our caller.

[Eldest]

Wait, wait, wait. The commissioner got kicked out?

[Ryan Seacrest]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Eldest]

The commissioner kicked the guy out, and then the guy who got kicked out. Then the commissioner's wife replaced the guy.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That got kicked out.

[Eldest]

Yes, got it. Okay.

[Ryan Seacrest]

So. And. And our caller's not even mad that the wife's in there. He's just saying now they trade with each other. And so it's clearly unbalanced trades is my guess. So here's the thing.

[Eldest]

Yeah. You don't just plot. It's first of all the criteria for your wife to take the spot.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. I mean, that's nuts. Here's what I would say. For real. Here's what I would do. I would say, now, do you have. Does anybody in your. Anybody else want to be the commissioner? Because basically the commissioner can veto trades. And so if they're doing a clearly unfair trade, the commissioner has to have the power to veto. Right. So what I would say is like, hey, if you want your way, because if they've already done this first season and they're trading ridiculous, you'd be like, hey, man, and you have info, right? Like, you have all the old trades. You could be like, you know, this is crazy. You traded. You know, you traded. I don't know, Justin Jefferson from Miami's defense or whatever. And like, that should not be allowed. Whatever. He has to relinquish if he wants to keep his wife in the league, he has to relinquish his powers as commissioner and somebody else has to do. Has to do it.

[Eldest]

Why do some men and women not get this? Why? Why? It drives me crazy. There's nothing wrong with a group of dudes remaining a group of dudes to do.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Absolutely.

[Eldest]

To do whatever their version of dude is. I'm not saying that women can't be in this. These leagues. I'm not even saying that men and women can't be in these leagues. I'm saying that what was already pre established here was it was a dudes club. And I. It really drives me crazy that like. Like there are guys that just don't get this and they just show up to a dude hang and like, they bring their girl and it's like, dude, I like your girl. I love your girl, but this is a dude.

[Ryan Seacrest]

This is not the time. And it just shifts things a little bit. Absolutely.

[Eldest]

And for any. Any women thinking that I'm being sexist or whatever, I'm not. Because I want you to think about when you have a girls night and one of your guys shows up. The way he shifts his energy.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

And comes in like, oh, ladies. Oh, girls night. It starts literally acting more like a chick.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

Because he doesn't want to up the girls night energy. Like, it's just, like, just. It's. And then the fact that it's the commissioner, I don't trust it. This is. This is a dirty. And this is dirty. This is a dirty. Definitely dirty's going on.

[Ryan Seacrest]

It's not good. The trade. The. And. And to our caller's credit, he's not even making the point that we're both saying that they. The vibes up. He's just saying, like, the trades are pissing him off. And so for me, it's like somebody else has to be commissioner. Somebody has to have veto power over their trades because you're not allowed to trade, you know?

[Eldest]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Some guys.

[Eldest]

Trades are pissing him off because the guy threw his wife into this.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. No.

[Eldest]

Yeah. You know, it's like. It's like, go find another dude that's replaces the dude. Like, I don't know. Is that a lady at least that.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Knows the game, but it seems like she knows it. It seems like he's getting annoyed that they're un. They're basically cheating, essentially.

[Eldest]

Okay.

[Ryan Seacrest]

He's not even annoyed. Like, I agree with you. I had.

[Eldest]

That was stressed enough. I didn't listen.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Right, right, right. It didn't stop. It didn't stop you from coming in hot with an opinion, though. And I respect that. But. Yeah, so. So I think if your main issue is how this shit is kind of unfair, then you just. Then you have to be like, all right, man, you can't be the commissioner. This is ridiculous. Like, you and your wife. And you need actual proof, by the way, because you said they've been trading with each other. Did they actually do unfair trades? Because if not, then then then maybe you don't actually care about it. On being unfair, and you're just looking for a different avenue to complain about the vibes getting fucked up. Up. But either way, I think he has to be replaced as commissioner. And if he doesn't want to do that or if he's like, oh, come on, that's you guys are being ridiculous. Just start your own league. Go start a league with the guy who got kicked out. Who cares? Like, that's what I would say. Attempt to save the group. And if the commissioner fights back or he's like, you guys are being ridiculous. Just start your own. Start your own league. It's not a big deal.

[Caller]

I. I got a question. I fully agree with you. I mean, it sounds like foul play between the commissioner and his wife. For sure. Something needs to be done. I am wondering. I've never, like, actually done a fantasy league. How often does it happen that, like, when a bunch of guys are in it or whoever. Like, how many. How often does it happen that, like, people naturally faction together and, like, start operating in, like, bad faith cahoots?

[Ryan Seacrest]

But that's so okay that the commissioner usually has veto power because. Yes. Let's say somebody's out of the. Yeah, you're good. Go take a biscuit. Let's say somebody's out of the playoffs or whatever. Whatever. Like, let's say me and you were in a fantasy league and, you know, you're. You're not going to be in the playoffs. And we're playing the mysterious and elusive Big P, for example. Right. And he's got a better team than me. But he beat you. You're pissed because he beat you early in the season.

[Eldest]

You.

[Ryan Seacrest]

If there was nobody overseeing it, could trade me, your best player, for some dog. And it would essentially be that. That's why they have made it so that somebody has to have veto power. Because, like, they stop that.

[Caller]

The commissioner.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And it seems like this guy is annoyed because his wife, like, it doesn't seem like the kind of thing where the woman doesn't understand football. It seems like she gets it and she's you and she's, like, trying to win and makes her husband trade her good players, actually. Right.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

To me, this is the same as it was like his brother or anybody else. Like, the commissioner is just. It's not the fact that it's his wife. It's the fact that he's abusing his commissioner power to make unfair trades with someone he's in cahoots with. That's my big issue with this. Yeah. And so if he's not willing to be like, hey, man, last season you did this with your wife. It's your wife. You're clearly. You clearly can't be trusted. We need to take veto power away from you.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

If he fights you on that, then it just start a new league. Who cares? He already kind of the vibes up by bringing his wife into it. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, damn. So anyway, I guess let's wait for Joey to come back and we'll do one final. We'll do one final call here.

[Caller]

Yeah. I have a. Have a fun little fan theory about it.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Okay.

[Eldest]

So.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Okay. I like that. I think Joe's washing his hands. More fun. More. More like, more extremely than anybody did during COVID I've never seen him wash his hands. Once. We worked on tires and this motherfuckers. He stopped pissing, like, five minutes ago. That was the most intense hand washing I've ever seen from you, man.

[Eldest]

You have. You have the placement of your toothpaste. It was sociopathic. He's got his toothpaste uncapped directly under the cold nozzle on the sink. So you wash your hands, you go to turn the water off, and your fucking hand water will drip directly onto.

[Ryan Seacrest]

The only one here. It's a fresh tube, but, yes, you're right. That's not the. That's not the normal place. I have it. I had to crack open a new tube this morning.

[Caller]

I've seen some awesome configurations in there. Necklaces and rings and shit. Next to like. Like a dirty T shirt and underwear rolled up in the sink. Toothbrush, toothpaste is all out.

[Ryan Seacrest]

And everything's up in the air, man. Everything's. Everything's for negotiation in that bathroom.

[Eldest]

Riley herbs from 2311 Racing here.

[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Eldest]

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[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Eldest]

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[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Eldest]

All right.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Welcome to McDonald's.

[Eldest]

Can I take your order, miss?

[Ryan Seacrest]

I've been hitting up McDonald's for years now. It's back. We need snack wraps. What's a snack wrap? It's the return of something. Then.

[Eldest]

Great.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Snack wrap is back. All right, let's. Let's. Let's play one last call here. Something fun to take us out on. Yeah, this is.

[Caller]

This is a fan theory about a call we had on the PFT episode.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Okay.

[Caller]

It was the girl who was, like, dating A guy for a month, and she's basically, you know, he was going big. They went on the ski trip. She's like Loki getting like. And then he just ghosted her out of the the blue after a month that included a ski trip. So this caller is responding to that.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Okay.

[Caller]

Hey, st. I love this podcast. I literally only list listen to true crime podcast and, like, story podcast, but this is the only talking ass podcast.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That's big. All right, pause this.

[Caller]

I want to actually.

[Ryan Seacrest]

We need to expand our. That's a big market. If we can steal women from true crime, that's. That's how we hit the next level, baby. But thank you for listening. We appreciate that. Elders, what do you finish your. Finish your call?

[Caller]

Yeah, I thought I'll listen to you because you're hella funny. All right, so I want to actually respond to a question that you got that you put on the. It was on the PLC episode, and a girl got on there and said that a dude ghosted her after a month. Right. Like, he took her skiing and did all this.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Caller]

And she just can't believe that he would ghost her after being such a nice guy for such a long time. All right, Boom. So my boyfriend told me, and now when he told me this, my mind was blown from this. So I think that this is the possible scenario. My boyfriend told me he has a friend that does not want to be in a relationship and he only likes bad bitches. So what he does is.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Sounds similar.

[Caller]

So crazy. So what he does is he stacks his money for, like two months, right? Maybe two and a half months. We're talking, like, I don't know, 10 weeks. He stacks his bread because he has a good job. He stacks his bread, he finds a bad on Instagram, then he dates her for like a month and pulls out all the stops. Like she said. They went skiing. Right. Like, he'll take the to Bermuda. He'll buy her a designer bag, do all this crazy, but then he runs out of money. That was. He ran out of the allotted budget. In his mind, he already knew, I am gonna spend then, what, five stacks on this, and then I'm done with it.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Holy.

[Caller]

That's what happened.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That's fascinating.

[Caller]

He's one of those. That's my theory on it. And yeah, love the pod. She'll be all right. She sounded cute.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah, I agree. That's fascinating.

[Eldest]

That dude rules.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

That's a man that knows what he wants. It makes. No, it's fascinating. The budget.

[Ryan Seacrest]

My man fucks. He'll date a Woman until his budget runs out.

[Eldest]

That's fascinating that that's where it went. Because before she got there, when I was here in the ski trips there for the first time, my immediate thought was what people have to realize is some people don't look at that. It's not. That ski trip isn't taking a girl on the ski trip. That ski trip is a guy wants to go on a ski trip, but he doesn't want to go alone. And. And part of his vacation is I go and I have a girl with me and we go and we ski and then we date, whatever. That's his. He. That is a guy going vacation first.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yes, that's a good point.

[Eldest]

And then plugging in whatever the components of the vacation are, who happens to be around.

[Ryan Seacrest]

What girl am I currently talking to? You get to be. You're lucky that I. It's like this cast of SNL50 who, you know, I'm friends with, but it's like, you shouldn't have been there next to fucking Steve Martin. Sarah squirm next to fucking Steve Martin. No disrespect, but it's like they got lucky that it was like, you know, the SNL50 is like they're in the legend. They're in that room with every legend in the world. Paul McCartney's there. You know what I mean? It's like you just happen to be around. You're the girl I'm talking to when I want to go to fucking Barbados.

[Eldest]

Yeah.

[Ryan Seacrest]

So it's like, congratulations.

[Eldest]

Excuse me. And some guys or some people, People can't be alone, right? They can't be alone. And they. To me, to me, hell. The definition of hell is being trapped with a person I don't want to be around.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

For other people, the definition of hell is being alone.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Right?

[Eldest]

So some people are like, dude, there's somebody here. Okay, great. So that. But so, so it's so crazy. That's exactly what's going to say. And then she talked about this guy.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That's awesome.

[Eldest]

Stacking the money and whatever. And it's like what that guy is doing, that's his vacation. Because I saved up for two months and then I go on vacation. Part of that is the baddest girl I can find. And then vacation's over. It's time to go back to work.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Back to work. That's incredible.

[Caller]

I want to treat myself to the finer things. I'm just a humble middle class guy. I can't be future every day, but.

[Eldest]

I can be future for like, like three or four weeks if I just.

[Caller]

Like, save up to it.

[Eldest]

He's doing sin of a woman Jersey. Sin of a woman.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Sure.

[Eldest]

He saved up his military checks and.

[Ryan Seacrest]

He'S like, we're going to New York, son. Absolutely.

[Eldest]

We're going to rent a Ferrari. We're done.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Respect. That's awesome that your boyfriend's friend does this. That's insane. But that's a beautiful fan theory. You're right. She'll be okay. And thank you for sharing and thank you for listening, even though we don't do true crime.

[Eldest]

One other thing. What a. More. What an awesome way to be a fuck boy.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

He, like, saves money and then spends on these girls. So it's not like he just tries to get laid and he ghosts.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah.

[Eldest]

Or they go dutch on the check and he still tries to have sex or whatever. He comes in hot. He spends money. These girls leave with purses.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Yeah. Yeah, that's. You're right. It is. You. Could someone argues, slightly sociopathic, but it's also compared to just, like, what Just the. The classic thing was like, I. This guy, he didn't even have a bed frame like that. That was the hack joke for a while for like 10 years. Like, bed frame and one set of sheets. Right, Right. Mattress on the floor. Would you rather have that? Would you rather. Yeah. Hit the slopes and get a Birkin, you know? So beautiful.

[Eldest]

But, yeah, I love it.

[Caller]

I also love that she did kind of break it down and unfold it and open. Make that connection kind of like in the True Crime.

[Ryan Seacrest]

She did. She really did. Dude, you got talent, sister. Get out and start your own. That's great. She really did. You're right. She was like, okay. Boom. She's each thing. She's connecting it. Yeah, you. You got talent. Maybe it's the first podcast. Stavi, baby. Podcast Studio Signs, dude. Or Eldest Studios. That's where you try and that's where you're trying to make the. Make the. You sign her to like a 60. You 40% her contract.

[Caller]

I'm like, hey, I got the platform, baby girl. But we can make this big. We can blow this up.

[Ryan Seacrest]

All right, well, that's gonna do it for us this week. Thank you, everybody, for listening. Joe, thanks for coming on. It was so fun, brother.

[Eldest]

Dude, this was awesome.

[Ryan Seacrest]

This was great. Had a great time. And guys, go watch the special out right now. We'll link to it. I never promised you a rose garden. And we will talk to you next week. Bye. Bye.

[Eldest]

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