#142 - Ralph Barbosa

Summary

Stavvy’s World Ep. 142: Ralph Barbosa (August 18, 2025)

Episode Overview

In this episode of Stavvy’s World, comedian Stavros Halkias welcomes stand-up star Ralph Barbosa for a hilarious and wide-ranging conversation. They riff on Texas city rivalries, extravagant DoorDash orders, the side effects of fame and internet virality, generational body types, sex work, car culture, haunted garages, and much more before diving into listener questions about relationships, sex, and strange dilemmas. The episode blends raunchy humor with genuine introspection, giving listeners both laughs and surprising insights.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Dallas vs. Fort Worth & Texas Life (00:12–03:00)

• Stav and Ralph joke about Texas airport names and riff on the ongoing rivalry between Dallas and Fort Worth.
• Both agree Dallas is "all suburbs," filled with malls and bars.
• Ralph: "Dallas is better than Fort Worth." (00:57)
• They make fun of Dallas’ car-centric, “no one walks” culture.
• Ralph: "Everybody drives drunk in Dallas. It's insane." (01:25)

2. Ralph’s Decadent DoorDash Night (02:09–04:51)

• Ralph describes a lavish multi-restaurant DoorDash order in Austin, post-Hulu payday.
  • Two Italian restaurants and a wing place: “I wanted a high end and a low end Italian experience plus wings.” (02:50)
• The unchecked indulgence led to digestive regrets—especially during a marathon Joe Rogan podcast taping.

3. Rogan Podcast Survival, Fame, and Adult Diarrhea (03:24–05:39)

• Ralph recounts barely surviving Rogan’s show while holding back diarrhea, joking, “I just kept telling myself… I'm an adult.” (04:13)
• He notes losing privileges on Rogan’s set (pool table and cigar) between appearances and speculates it’s not his fault but possibly a previous guest’s.
• Stav riffs on potential other podcast guests causing trouble: "Maybe Jordan Peterson started crying about how beautiful Pinocchio is, got tears all over the felt pool table." (05:01)

4. Metabolism, Latino Body Types, and Food Philosophy (06:13–08:39)

• They analyze when male and female Latino bodies "turn" and share anxieties about waking up fat.
• Ralph reflects on eating habits as a comic on the road: "I'll have two weeks where I'm eating really good...then one downhill meal and it just goes after that." (08:05)

5. Comedy Bubble, Money, and Mistakes in Love (09:19–12:38)

• Both acknowledge they benefited from a “comedy bubble,” with fame and viral clips bringing sudden success.
• Ralph admits “fucking up” good relationship opportunities due to newfound attention: “I got cocky really fast.” (10:19)
• Stav: “…We’re living in the middle of a comedy bubble. Both of us have more money than we deserve, for sure. We're more famous than we deserve.” (09:19)
• Stav laughs about people asking if the GTA 6 character is based on him: “They've stolen my likeness.” (12:02)

6. Podcast Fame vs. Stand-Up Fame (12:38–14:13)

• Stav reminisces about the difference between being known from podcasts (“ComeTown”) and the rapid escalation of selling out comedy clubs via viral clips.

7. Porn Industry Fantasies & OnlyFans Complaints (14:13–17:39)

• Ralph expresses fascination with the porn business—though more as a “middleman” than a performer, comically musing: “I could have been one of those guys with like a cigar… Kids, a star.” (16:36)
• They bemoan how direct-to-consumer platforms (OnlyFans) make everything pay-per-view and joke about longing for a Napster of porn.

8. Virality, Fame, and Staying Relevant (17:39–19:02)

• Ralph: “Anybody can go viral these days, but only very talented people can stay viral.” (17:33)
• Discussion about being “shrewd”—smart in understanding algorithms and staying consistently seen.

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Memorable Quotes and Moments

On Adult Diarrhea Survival:

• “Anytime I feel like I might shit my pants, I keep telling myself, I'm an adult. But the more I say it, the more I realize I should just shit my pants. I'm a grown man.” —Ralph (04:13)

On Podcast Poverty vs. Viral Riches:

• “Much more talented than us had to play the shittiest comedy clubs for like 12 years to make, like, a third of the money. I had a couple videos go viral. Next thing I know, women are DMing me.” —Ralph (09:55)

On Fame’s Lonely Rewards:

• “You just wish you had been desirable when it mattered… Like high school. You can't fuck your way to not being a loser.” —Stav (28:07)

On Not Being Offered Cuckold Deals:

• “I'm almost 30… Never once been offered. Now I don't want nobody to offer it because I feel like they heard me complain, ‘Hey, fuck my wife, come on…’” —Ralph (24:22)

[Notable Segment – Listener Question: The Sex Worker Slippery Slope]

• (52:19–58:52) Listener asks if indulging in frequent threesomes with sex workers will “ruin” him for normal relationships.
  • Stav: “I'm also pro a nice steak dinner. That doesn't mean you should have three ribeyes every night.” (54:08)
  • “You're over-indulging. You can get addicted to anything and you absolutely are going to get addicted to this. And even looking at it, it's like, is a normal woman gonna cut it? …Are you gonna cut it?” (56:19)

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Ralph’s Car Life, Family Compounds, and Haunted Garage (34:42–39:45)

• Ralph discusses spending his comedy money on classic junk cars from Facebook Marketplace, often overpaying as “Latino Robin Hood.” (35:02)
• He lives on family land with multiple relatives, dreaming of a Texas “compound.” His garage is apparently haunted:
  • “I hear a little girl laughing at night. It's either a ghost or some little kid sneaking up to my land and fucking with me.” (39:45)

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Family, Real Estate, and Generational Wealth (42:39–45:12)

• They swap stories about buying houses for family, immigrant family dynamics, and fighting over worthless land back home.

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Sex and Relationships: Therapy and Villain Arcs (26:36–33:13)

• Both host and guest reflect on why they crave validation now, linking it to a desire to rewrite their adolescent social status.
• Jokes about “the villain arc” and why comedians long for the attention they never got as kids.

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Car Culture, Greece, and Global Sex Work Attitudes (45:38–48:44)

• They compare Greek vs. Texas car culture and the decriminalization of sex work in Australia and Japan.
• Ralph: “I wanted to be a pimp back in the day. Nobody listens to me. I'd be like, can you fuck that guy? Please?” (49:15)

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Advice Segment Highlights

Listener Questions Include:

1. Overindulging in sex work after breakup (52:19–58:52)
   – Both agree: Pace yourself or it will backfire on future intimacy.

2. What to do about drunk, possibly alcoholic airline technician in the friend group (60:52–71:41)
   – Consensus: You don’t have proof, and the real issue is you dislike them socially—don’t snitch, get better friends, or have a conversation.

3. Molluscum bumps on penis, should I get liquid nitrogen? (72:32–77:14)
   – “Do the liquid nitrogen, bro. Let the pain be a reminder of your mistakes.” —Ralph (76:22)

4. Old owners keep shipping packages to my house—what do I do with their iPad? (78:09–83:20)
   – “Year and a half is nuts—that's on them. Give the iPad to a relative, fix relationships.” —Ralph (82:09)

5. How to pursue a relationship with an old hookup who just got single again? (85:50–90:39)
   – First, see how she treats you: Are you a “piece of meat” or does she want more? Start with a real date and communicate intentions if the vibe is right.

6. Is it okay to use the Greek word “malaka”? (90:49–95:34)
   – Stav: “Greeks love when you throw some curse words at them… But don’t greet people in Starbucks with ‘malaka.’” (92:04)

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Additional Quotes with Timestamps

• “I made money just so that I could be the guy who doesn't lowball people on Marketplace.” —Ralph (34:56)
• “I'll go to Greece, move onto your grandma's island, make her a sweet deal… I think I’d hate it. No car culture there.” —Ralph & Stav (45:30)
• “Stop raw dogging strangers.” —Stav (77:37)

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Notable and Funny Moments

• Ralph’s fantasy of being a porn “middleman” producer, not a performer. (16:36)
• The haunted garage (“I hear a little girl laughing at night…”) (39:45)
• Joking about wanting to be objectified by men (“I want men to objectify me… but in a straight way… ‘Bro, you're so hot, fuck my wife.’”) (25:36–25:59)
• Multiple callbacks to car culture and overpaying for junkers as “Latino Robin Hood.” (35:02–36:34)
• The episode bookends with plugs for their comedy specials and projects, and a running gag about haunted attics and Greek curse words. (96:15–97:00)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Dallas vs. Fort Worth & Texas Life: 00:12–03:00
• DoorDash Decadence & Rogan Podcast Survival: 02:09–05:39
• Latino Body Types & Food Habits: 06:13–08:39
• Comedy Fame & Viral Clips: 09:19–12:38
• Porn Industry as Middleman: 14:13–17:39
• Listener Sex Work Question: 52:19–58:52
• Haunted Garage & Family Compounds: 34:42–39:45
• Greek Slurs & Culture Q&A: 90:49–95:34

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Final Thoughts

This episode is a perfect encapsulation of Stavvy’s World: conversational, irreverent, often filthy, but never without some underlying kernel of honesty and emotional truth. Listeners are treated to a funny, revealing rapport between two of stand-up's hottest stars, plenty of outlandish stories, and solid, if unorthodox, advice.

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Guest Plugs:

• Ralph’s new special: Planet Bosa (on Hulu)
• YouTube: Formula Bean (car restoration/racing)
• Stavros’ special: Live at the Lodge Room

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Transcript

[A]

Welcome Everybody, to Stavi's World. 904-800-stop calling. Solve all your problems. We got Ralph Barbosa on the couch today. Ralph, thanks for coming, bro.

[B]

Thanks for having me. What's up, everybody?

[A]

Hell yeah, dude. Straight. Straight off the jet.

[B]

Straight off the jet.

[A]

Straight off the jet. From that. From. What's the. What's the. Is George Bush. It's George H. Bush Airport.

[B]

No, no. Yeah, but I was. I mean, I'm not from Houston.

[A]

I know, but which one's Dallas? Which.

[B]

Dallas is dfw?

[A]

Lynd. Oh, yeah. They don't. They didn't name it after a president. Nothing. Yeah.

[B]

The two cities. It's in between.

[A]

Fort Worth is barely a city, though. It's a. The Dallas is also.

[B]

Thank you for saying that.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Hear that? Forward you.

[A]

Yeah. Let's get into it. Let's do some greater Dallas metro area. Let's do 40 minutes on the Dallas metro area. Hell yeah.

[B]

People, listen. You gotta know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

This is as important as like Civil War history and World War II. Dallas is better than forward.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, sure. I do think the problem with Dallas though, it is all suburbs. It's just a collection of suburbs. And like, it's like mall to mall. Yeah. You know what I mean?

[B]

I guess so. I didn't really realize how many malls we had until I went to cities with no malls.

[A]

Yeah. It's a big mall culture over there.

[B]

It's malls and then bars. That's all it is.

[A]

And then you drive drunk from the bar. From the bar to the mall.

[B]

Everybody drives drunk in Dallas. It's insane.

[A]

Yeah. Dude. People would look at me h. Like I Cuz, you know, I would do. I did I think hyenas or some way back in the day. And just walking anywhere. People looked at you like you were insane. Like no one walked. Like, I would walk from my like hotel to like there's like a movie theater. And it was like a, you know, 12. What are you doing?

[B]

Drive a truck.

[A]

It was. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Burn eight gallons of gasoline for a four minute drive.

[B]

If you're not burning gas, bro, they'll tax you.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, they love. They love that.

[B]

I flew in from Austin though.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah. And my stomach. I've been having the shits the past couple days.

[A]

What did you get into?

[B]

And I hadn't had an extravagant meal. I've been splurging.

[A]

Let's talk about. I love talking about extravagant meals.

[B]

Yeah. I flew into Austin before coming to New York and I was at my Hotel. And I was just like. I couldn't decide what to order from doordash. Then I was like, bro, I just made a bunch of money on Hulu. I can order like three different.

[A]

Three different door, three different 40 meals.

[B]

I ordered. I ordered from two Italian restaurants.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And then I ordered from one Wing place.

[A]

The same two restaurants, the same cuisine. That is a wild. What?

[B]

Because one of them didn't have meatball subs and then the other one had. What do you call it? Bolognese.

[A]

He wanted a high end and a low end Italian experience. Experience plus wings.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

Yeah. I was craving hot wings for a couple days, but man, that up my stomach.

[A]

That is a wild meal. Spaghetti bolognese, a meatball sub, and wings. I have tip my cap to you.

[B]

I mean, I didn't eat all of it, obviously, but I just wanted a little bit of each.

[A]

A third. A third of each to make one full meal. Or did you take down all the hot ones? You can't save hot wings.

[B]

Yeah, no, no, I took them down, but then I woke up in the middle of the night and then I finished off the bolognese. It was good, man.

[A]

A little 2am Bolognese I had.

[B]

I did Rogan's podcast the next day and yeah, it, you know, it goes long. It goes like three hours. And the whole time I was like, I'm going to my pants, like, and your shit's.

[A]

You're just rumbling the whole time. Yeah, yeah, dude.

[B]

It's bad, man.

[A]

Belly full of bolognese and wings. And Brogan's just kind of hitting you with like, you know, theories about a human evolution or whatever.

[B]

Yeah, I feel bad because I feel like people always go on his show and they have like a lot of cool knowledge, like, information to share.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I was just asking them stuff.

[A]

Oh, nice. Yeah, you're just like, it. You're just like trying to like, fill time so you can. Yeah, you're like, oh, that's really interesting, Joe. Can you tell me more about that? As you're just like holding back, Just focusing all your attention on holding your Is just slam.

[B]

I just kept in my mind, I just kept telling myself and I tell myself this anytime that I feel like I might my pants, I just keep telling myself like, I'm an adult. I'm an adult, I'm an adult. Like, but the more I say that, the more I come to the realization, like, I should just. My pants. I'm grown man.

[A]

Right. Tell me anything. Oh, that's an interesting read on it. It's the flip side. As an adult, I have the choice to my pants. Yeah. Cuz I have to deal with it. I'm not a child who's going to myself.

[B]

I'm buying the new pants.

[A]

Yeah. I'm buying rogan a new $400 chair or whatever. You know what I mean? I'm paying. We'll smoke a couple cigar. I mean, the cigar smoke is so thick in there. I feel like it would cover the smell of.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Or two.

[B]

Last time I was there, the first time I went, he offered me a cigar. This time he didn't offer me one. I don't know if I did something wrong. And you know, the first time I was there, was he smoking a cigar? Nah.

[A]

Okay, okay. Maybe he's living clean. Who knows?

[B]

That could be it. I'm going to go with that.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

The first time I went, I got to use his pool table. And then this time I. I showed up and they were like, yeah, he'll be here in a minute. And I was like, all right, cool. Can I go with the pool tables while I wait? And they're like, no.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

I was like, what the did I do last time?

[A]

And then I was like, all right, we'll give him another shot. The whole time you're quiet. Just trying not to yourself. Yeah. Wow. So you lost pool table and. And cigar privileges.

[B]

Yeah, I gotta earn those back.

[A]

I don't think it was you. I think somebody did something stupid with the pool table. I bet you like Ben Shapiro got like, you know, got skin, got something on the pool table, you know what I mean? Got some locks. Not to be stereotypical maybe. You know what I mean? It was probably like, you know, maybe Jordan Peterson started crying about how beautiful, you know, Pinocchio is. He got tears all over the felt pool table. I think it's something like that.

[B]

Jordan Peterson it up. Jordan Peterson gave me diarrhea.

[A]

Dude. That I do like. I like when a skinny man will indulge in a, you know, in a, in a true meal. There's no, you know, do you plan metabolism? Oh, interesting.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So do you think that's right around the corner is just getting fat at like 40 for you or something like that?

[B]

Yeah. For some reason my metabolism has been like just on overdrive, but I have a feeling like any day now it's just gonna completely shut down.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And then I'll just like.

[A]

That is true. I do feel like Latinos as they age either keep like, keep like sort of a. A good like physique or all of a sudden, one day you're shaped like a potato.

[B]

I try to.

[A]

And that goes for men and women, by the way. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like either one.

[B]

Like, what sucks about, I think for, for the women, for Latino women, it's usually right after they have a baby.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Know what I mean?

[A]

Right.

[B]

It all goes. Yes, but for men, it's, it's. I don't know when, but. And then I try to look at older people, like at airports and stuff, and I try to wonder like, which body type am I going to be when I start to lose it?

[A]

Right.

[B]

Like there's dudes who like the, it's just like the belly and like one.

[A]

Yes. One incredibly spherical stomach. Yeah.

[B]

They got like the four month pregnant thing going on.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But almost like a cyst.

[B]

I feel like my neck is thickening up, so I'm like, nah, I'm definitely going to be one of those like V shaped, kind of chunky guys.

[A]

You think V?

[B]

Yeah, but not like good V, not like muscular V, more like.

[A]

Like my legs will probably stay Skinny ass legs. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

My legs will stay small, but my upper body will start to like.

[A]

Right, right, right. I think you're thinking of ice cream cone.

[B]

Ice cream cone.

[A]

There you go. A V on the legs. Too fat. You know, do snowman up top, cone in the bottom.

[B]

Yeah, I think I'm a snowman. I don't know yet.

[A]

I like that, dude. I like that you're just, you're, you're not trying to fight it. You're like, I'm gonna get fat as soon.

[B]

Yeah. But I also have these moments where I lie to myself and I'm like. Because I eat shitty on the road. Like, I'll have two weeks where I'm like, I'm eating really good and then I'll, I'll. It'll start with one like downhill meal where I'll just be like, nah, I've earned these bolognese and hot wings, of course. And then it just goes after that.

[A]

I want to eat like. Yeah, you're just, you just eat the way like as if you were like a Vegas buffet.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like I want two disparate cuisines.

[B]

And. But as I'm eating this, I lie to myself and I'm like, nah, it's okay. Because one of these days I'm just going to go super fit and gym every day. But like, that's not. It's probably not going to happen.

[A]

I don't think so. What about. Do you have people in Your family. Can you look forward? What's your dad's body look like? What's your uncles? Anything like that?

[B]

My dad has a beer belly. He hardly drinks. It just stayed. You know, my uncle is short, and, man, you know what? Yeah. He's losing the. The neck. It's just becoming a chest piece.

[A]

Oh, wow. His head is just descending into his body.

[B]

I'm bro.

[C]

And.

[B]

And then I start to get the pressure. Like, I'm turning 29 this year. So now I feel, like, that pressure of, like, all right, it's only going to get worse. Right? Like, it's only going to get harder. Like, I have to find somebody to marry now right. Before my options start to diminish.

[A]

Right, right, right. I know what you mean. Yeah. Oh, the. We're living in the middle of a comedy bubble. Both of us have more money than we deserve. For sure. We're more famous than we deserve.

[B]

Me and Michael were talking about that on the way here. Like, I'm so thankful that comedy is, like, the most popular that it's ever been.

[A]

Yes. Yeah. We got so, so lucky. Like, in terms of when our careers popped.

[B]

Was that on the first episode of Sopranos and Tony Sopranos? Like, I feel like I came in at the end.

[A]

At the end. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

No, I'm like, opposite. Like, I came in the pinnacle of these people.

[A]

Much more talented than us. Had to play the shittiest comedy clubs for, like, 12 years to make, like, a third of the money.

[B]

I had a couple videos go viral. Next thing I know, women are DMing me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Sometimes I want to talk to these women. Just straightforward. I'm like, why are you doing this?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is. You don't buy bitcoin now, bitch. You buy it eight years ago. It's too. It's too expensive now.

[B]

I fucked up a couple opportunities to settle down with some good women.

[A]

You did.

[B]

Over the last two years.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Because I got got cocky really fast.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

They. They're talking to me like, hey, you know what? Let's work at something serious. And I'm like, I'm fucking.

[A]

Are you kidding?

[B]

I'm killing it right now.

[A]

Are you kidding? I'm living. I'm living a triple doordash lifestyle. You think a man who orders from three from two different Italian restaurants in one night is gonna have a wife one night, bro.

[B]

I don't know. I'm living crazy.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, but I get that, though. It did. It's been. Everything's kind of popped over the last, what, two years?

[B]

Would you Say yeah, yeah, for sure.

[A]

And you're, you're. And so you were. You were 26, 27.

[B]

Yeah, I was like 26. That's a 24.

[A]

That's the tail end of being able to blame it on youth too, you know? Yeah. You know what I mean? Like it's not quite like I feel bad for athletes where it's like you're 19 or you're 20 and you have $100 million and you're fam. Like of course you're gonna act crazy, but comedy, you know, you probably like at 25, I was. I was as dumb as like most 18 year old for you. Probably, you know, similar three, four years ago. Maybe started popping just a little before. But like you know, when I was. But I was older, right. I was like, I guess 30s, 31, 32. When was. When was.

[B]

What do you think kicked it off for you?

[A]

Was it cometown come down definitely helped. Don't get me wrong. Look like come down. I was like when I was. When I was kind of your age is when like 27 is when it really pop. It was like when come down pop. But that was like a level of like specific podcast fame, which was awesome because like I didn't need. I got to quit my job. We were making solid, you know, we were making good money and I could do like, you know, comedy clubs pretty good. But it was like the same that happened with you where I was like, we just got caught up in that stand up clips going viral and I went from like, you know, people knew me from a podcast to like people like in selling pretty well at comedy club weekends to selling eight shows in a weekend to selling theaters out to like, you know, and the. The special live at the Lodge Room. When. When did we do that? That was like. That came out 2022.

[B]

Is that the one where you did the. You did the opener where you said I look like a. A side mission boss. Boss on like yeah, yeah.

[A]

By the way, gta. I saw the guy. I don't got nothing. People have been asking me, dude, you're in the gta. No, they've stolen my likeness. Cal Hampton or whoever the that is. There's still time to make it right. Rockstar. Pull this guy up. Look at that guy. How the. Is that not me? That'.

[B]

That's not you, dude.

[A]

That's. I mean they made him taller. So they have. But like, come on, dude, that's Bert Kreischer. No, no, Bert's got enough. Bert's got enough. We. We've Been on his arena tour. Yeah. Anyway. Yes, that was the one, though.

[B]

Hey, you know, one time I had a. I had a chance to meet you. I don't know where I. I think it was like a comedy club. I can't remember if it was here or North Carolina.

[A]

Probably not North Carolina. No, I don't think I've.

[B]

I just remember somebody being like, yeah, but they. They were. I didn't know who you were necessarily.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And they were like, yeah, he's the dude from cometown. You want to meet him? But I was like, cometown. Like, I didn't know it was a podcast.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

I was like, nah, it's probably like some only fans, dude. Probably like some porn guy who transitioned to comedy. I'm all right.

[A]

That would be cool. I would give credit to like some gay porn guy. Like, a lot of hot girls can go sex work to comedy, right? Because they're hot, whatever. But if it was a fat. If it was a fat, bald, gay, poor guy who flipped it into comedy, I would tip my hat to him because that's not, you know, that would.

[B]

That would be sick. The porn industry would be like a sick industry to like break into. But it's.

[A]

You think so?

[B]

But it's so crazy these days. Like, I wouldn't even know how.

[A]

I have a friend who said the same, actually. He was like, he's like 40 something. And he was like. And he settled down now, but he was like, like his regret. It's not like, I wish, you know, people be like, I wish I gave like music or comedy or whatever a try. He's literally like, I wish I had tried porn before I got married.

[B]

I should have, like, not that I should have been like an actor. No, I'm not sure.

[A]

You don't think you could be a.

[B]

Performer talented like that?

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

But like, bro, you, you know, to like produce your own porn and like put it out there. Like now it's just, you know, only fans has put too much power in the actors.

[A]

So wait, you're pro middleman is what you're saying. You're mad that the performers get all the money. You think there should be some guy who takes advantage of these?

[B]

Well, because now it's like, it's more expensive than ever now. It's like, give them the money directly back.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

And then like, I live in Texas where they banned pornhub, right. And other websites.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, that's crazy. The land of the free. Come on.

[B]

So now, so. So I go only fans because I'm Like, I guess this is what I got to do now, you know? But then I go on there and it's like, I gotta pay for each individual video on. What is the world becoming? We used to bootleg music all the time.

[A]

Right?

[B]

You know what I mean? We used to lime wire.

[A]

You need the Napster of only fans. Is that what you're saying?

[B]

Yeah, like, yeah, like, because now, now we. Don't you think it's crazy that we used to get our music for free and then because we were bootlegging it or whatever.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

But now we all pay the subscriptions to like, I mean, Apple or Spot.

[A]

You could argue that. We used to pay for our music and artists could make a living and then getting it for free was the fucked up thing. And now Spotify is double fucked up because we still have to pay, but it's not the artist, it's some fucking CEO that gets the money.

[B]

The middleman.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, but you're coming out as pro middleman is what you're saying.

[B]

I'm pro middleman from porn because you.

[A]

Want to be one? Is that what you're saying? Because, yeah, because you imagine a world even though you're doing great right now, you're imagining you're mad that you could have been a porn producer and made money off that and probably gotten sucked off by the.

[B]

Yeah, I could have been one of those guys with like a cigar.

[A]

Right?

[B]

I see like some, like some stripper chick and I'm just like, kids, a star.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, you've got what it takes. And then I also look at guys up whole. You're like, now that girl's got to be on film.

[B]

Some dude, you know, I got like power over people. It's just like some dude wants to be a porn star. I'm like, drop your pants, kid. Let's see what you got.

[A]

Like, that would give you a thrill. He's exploiting these people and forcing a kid to show you his penis. These are the things you wish you could do.

[B]

I wish I.

[A]

Okay. Hey, man, to each his own. I can't say that I share those.

[B]

I feel like as a standup comedian, I might be able to get some people to show me their penis, but it wouldn't. It wouldn't mean anything, right?

[A]

Right. It would be about the spectacle.

[B]

I'd be like, I can't get you, rich guy. I'm sorry.

[A]

Right? He would be thinking, maybe this will go viral. You know what I mean? He'd be doing it for exposure.

[B]

I feel like anybody can go viral These days. But only very talented people can stay viral.

[A]

Okay, yeah, yeah, I think there's definitely a. There's definitely some kind of. For. Yeah, it's interesting now. I mean, I do think it was like, was just going viral pretty easily a couple years ago, but yeah, I.

[B]

Think it still goes viral easily. I just think now when I see like content creators, they like, if you go through their pages, there's a lot of content creators, but there's a shitload of them that like, if you look through their reels or their tick tocks, they get like consistent views for a while.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And then they'll go through like heavy dips.

[A]

Sure, sure.

[B]

But then some dudes or some content creators are just like kind of killing it consistently.

[A]

Yeah, for sure. I mean, I also do think there's a problem in that the metric has become getting views and not. Is what you're making good, you know what I mean? Because I do think there's a way, I do think people, some people are very talented and smart and shrewd about staying viral and they understand the algorithms.

[B]

Was that word mean shrewd?

[A]

Shrewd means just like kind of like sort of like just smart about like smart in a very specific way and like understanding of the exact. It's sort of like the way people understand how to go. Like somebody being shrewd about going virals. Like somebody who like really understands the.

[B]

Algorithm patterns and the patterns.

[A]

Exactly, exactly. They're kind of, they're locked in on, you know, you know, on what it takes.

[B]

I want to use that like as many times as I can.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you were porn producer, you could be like, you know, I'll make some shrewd moves for you, kid. You know what I mean? You can say that too. Now show me that penis now my wife. And do it good. Do it good. See, look, I'll be honest with you guys. I grew up in poverty. I wasn't, I wasn't a stranger to insects, rodents, all types of thing. I didn't like that. That's not how I want to live now. I moved into a nice new apartment. I saw cockroaches, I flipped out. I wasn't scared because I'm a man or whatever. I wasn't scared, but I was pissed. However, thanks to my pals at Pesty, I haven't seen a cockroach in the month I've been here since that. And yes, could I have gone? Could I have probably charged an arm and a leg to my landlord to figure it out, but I Said, no. I have my wonderful partners at Pesti. They're going to give me some do it yourself pest control. And I get the same products the pros use for a quarter of the cost. They send you a kit, makes it incredibly easy. Only takes a few minutes to apply. Other companies call. You know, they're charging like hundreds and hundreds of dollars. Pest can get you started at just 35 bucks for treatment with a customized plan based on your location, bugs and climate. I loved it. It was easy. I've done. I did not just the one application. I did two. I figured it out. It was so easy to figure out. And by the second application, I was flying through it. They bring, they give you a sprayer, a mixing bag, the pesticide gloves and instructions and you're done in less than 10 minutes. And kid and pet friendly pesticides, you know, they ship, are fully registered and have been used in hospitals and schools all over the country. Pesti offers a 100% bug free guarantee or your money back. If the bugs don't go away, they'll give you a full refund. Now is the time to protect your home from bugs with Pesti. Go to pesti.comstavi for an extra 10 off your order. That's P-S-T-I-E.comstavi for an extra ten off.

[B]

Anybody ever offer you like some weird like that on the road?

[A]

Yes. Yeah, we. A couple. A couple times.

[B]

Nobody's offered me and it wasn't good. I don't want to do it. You did it.

[A]

No, no, I'm just saying the op. The, that specific thing was not interesting.

[B]

Yeah, I, I wouldn't do it. I'm just offended that I haven't even had the, the offer to do it.

[A]

Right, right, right.

[B]

But I met, I met a dude.

[A]

1.

[B]

No, I'm not saying any names, but I met a dude who apparently like got hired by his manager to bang his manager's wife.

[A]

What an industry.

[B]

And got paid.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

But imagine like he was like, do this.

[A]

And I think we could get you on impractical jokes. You could be a guy that Sal throws a pie in his face. All you got to do is my wife.

[B]

Just some dude working like at an assembly line.

[A]

Oh, you mean manager is in like at his blue collar job. Manager now entertainment. So some guy, this guy's making parts for cars or whatever and the guy's like, the guy's basically doing what you said, scouted him and he was like, hey.

[B]

The dude was like, yeah, my, my wife, I told her for her birthday, she could somebody else, and she chose that dude.

[A]

Wow. She chose a guy you work with. That's insane.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

See him every day. Imagine how shitty turkey sandwich with him in the break room, bro.

[B]

But imagine how it feels to be the guy next to that guy at the assembly line.

[A]

Like, oh, yeah, like.

[B]

Like, bro, I put in for a raise.

[A]

Yeah, you overhear them too. Yeah. Like, this guy, can I talk to you for a second? And you just hear them like, he. Man. So, like, I'll give you.

[B]

I'm like, bro, I show up to work every day on time, but this guy gets to your wife. You think, I don't want to your wife?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But.

[A]

Yeah. How is first. What. See, if it was for, like, that's their thing. Because some people. Look, it's not. I'm not into.

[B]

I mean, maybe it is their thing.

[A]

Sure. So you think he was lying about. I told my wife she could pick one guy.

[B]

Well, I think that.

[A]

You think that's more of, like, a recruitment tactic, but he actually wanted it with.

[B]

I think that maybe they were like those. Like, those swinger types that they go out to, like bars or whatever. Swinger type parties, meet people and do that. But I think as a birthday gift, she was, like, wanting to pick somebody specifically that.

[A]

Oh, yes. We'll break for my birthday. We'll be a little naughty. We'll. We'll find someone that you work with. Yeah. Interesting. Interesting.

[B]

And he did it a few times.

[A]

A few times. It wasn't It. Wow. It was her birthday month. I guess it wasn't just one thing.

[B]

You know, she started that whole birthday. I wanted to broker. The whole thing would be like, hold on, let's see.

[A]

Middleman. You show me your penis, too. Not just him. You too. Wow. So he asked.

[B]

I think about this stuff sometimes when I'm laying in bed.

[A]

Right. Just.

[B]

I'm like. It's like, good for them that they're doing this stuff and that. Good for the people that get these offers.

[A]

Right.

[B]

For any listeners out there, you know, maybe somebody's offered it to you, but, like, it's just crazy to me that I. I'm almost 30.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Never once been offered. And now. Now I don't even want nobody to offer it because I feel like they heard me complain about it. Hey, my wife. Come on.

[A]

Yeah. Hey. Come on.

[B]

They're being polite.

[A]

Yeah. Because they know you're not gonna take them up on it. They're like, ralph could really use this.

[B]

So now it means nothing.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, so you think it's over. Yeah. And you just. To you, it's just. You just want to feel desired. Yeah. But you don't want to do it.

[B]

Bro, it would have made my year if just one guy was like, you know, could you fuck my wife, please?

[A]

Now, this is interesting because many women have asked to you. You've. You know what I mean? Like, hot girls have DM'd you.

[B]

They're not asking. They're not like, can I you sometime?

[A]

Right. Oh, you think it's something about the raw. You want to be desired as a sexual being, not just as your. As an overall package of a man.

[B]

I'm a piece of meat, too.

[A]

You want to be a piece of meat. You want to be objectified in a way that ye. These DMs are not cutting it. Yeah. You want another man to be like, I need you to my wife. Maybe there's a little misogyny wrapped up in here because the. The. The value of a. You want a man to place sexual value on you. It's not enough for a woman to see you as a. As a partner.

[B]

You're a good therapist. I'm learning a lot about myself. I want men to objectify me.

[A]

Me, but in a straight way. But you need it filtered through their. I want to do it to be.

[B]

Like, dude, you're hot. My girl. My girl, you beef cake.

[A]

Now. But if a girl just was that sexually forward with you, would it scratch the same itch? Yeah.

[B]

Now that would definitely feel better.

[A]

Okay. Okay. Okay. That would be better. Okay. You just.

[B]

I'm gonna go through my message request. Maybe there's something in there.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Hopefully there might be something.

[B]

Christmas morning.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. Hopefully something comes in before this episode comes out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It wasn't. It wasn't. Because people saw this and are responding to it. Yeah.

[B]

I wouldn't even, like, need the actual hookup. I just need the thrill of I could have had it.

[A]

Right. That the older I get, the more being able to is almost as good as doing it. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, knowing a hot girl wanted to me and having, like, proof. Especially now where it's like, you know, I'm tired. I want to stay up late. You know what I mean? Like, it's like, I'm 36, I'm fat as hell. I'm trying to get.

[B]

I have a friend that I don't know how many times he's already been had. Had his trips paid for by women.

[A]

Who want to bangle. Oh, wow.

[B]

And then respect. And then has Gotten offered like, hey, why don't you take a trip with me here?

[A]

I'.

[B]

I'll cover the cost, you know, Just take the trip with me. And he's just like, nah.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

I'm just like, what the. I would drop tour dates for these opportunities.

[A]

Well, this is a very interesting thing because I think we're both kind of. It's. It's from a similar place of, like, you have it all right. Like, your shit's awesome, but you just want. And maybe we're similar here. Where I think so much of my pathology and like, all the. That's up with me is that like. Like, I. And why, like, hooking up with girls matters to me and what I'm trying to get in control of is that you just want. You just wish you had been desirable when it mattered. Yeah. Right. Like high school. You know what I mean? Like, yeah, you wanted to. Because I didn't. High school. I'm trapped in this. Like, I think if someone. There's enough. If I. Enough women, like, it'll be like a time machine where I go back in time and, like, I was cool in high school, but that'll never happen. You can't fuck your way to not being a loser.

[B]

We're on this villain.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Life is a villain arc now.

[A]

No, no, it doesn't have to be. But it is true. Yeah. You don't have to be a porn producer around. You don't have to exploit the most. The most vulnerable in our society. You don't have to aspire that when you've already achieved your comedy dreams. But I get why you're. I get why you're stavi.

[B]

You made a nude calendar.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You don't think that's villain arc?

[A]

No, no, dude, that's art. That's just. That's pure art. And by the way, they're $5. You know, there's only a. In the year. We're selling them off before the new. We have the 2026 calendar is coming out. So this August, September, they're flying off the shelves. $5 as a piece of art. It's not really a calendar anymore, but we can get it to you. But. No, but. I know, but I'm trying. Certainly there was some villainous behavior where you're, like, trying to get it back, but it's like, yes, you're jealous of your friend just because he's a sexy guy who gets pussy. Yeah. You know what I mean? And he doesn't. He doesn't have. This motherfucker's never been on tv. Unless he's been in the background of your. You know what I mean?

[B]

He didn't go to like a thousand open mics.

[A]

No.

[B]

Just to get.

[A]

Just was born with better bone structure than you. Nicer hair. Better bone structure.

[B]

How do you know he has nicer hair? He's not here.

[A]

He's not here. You're right. It's just some guy. I'm speculating. Yeah, that is funny. It would be awesome to, to, to that. And I do think though, one nice thing is when more people know you like some. Sure, certain people might you because they're a fan or whatever. But it's like sometimes they just kind of see you or find out about you and they're like, oh, that's the type of guy I'd like to. And that kind of feels good. Yeah. When someone is attracted to you for they do kind of objectify you. That does feel. I'm sure that's how.

[B]

Yeah, for sure. I like, like, I like every now and then I like talking to a girl who really didn't know like who what my comedy was playing. My comedy funny.

[A]

That's the best.

[B]

Oh hell yeah.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Now, now I feel like they have genuine.

[A]

Wow. That's all I have to offer. You're actually like that's crazy. What the do you even like about me? But hey, that's cool. I'll take it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I love a good weirdo.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. Something's not right for sure in their lives.

[B]

You think you'll ever get married?

[A]

I don't know. Probably.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I guess it just kind of another thing with like. You just realize how much of what we do in our lives is because of sort of social cues and like the rest. What the rest of your circle is doing. Like I, I've realized like everything I've done in my life has been. I've been kind of a late bloomer in everything. But the more you, the older you get, the more everyone around you is married, has kids. Like, like it might take me a little longer, but it's like, you know, all my friends are pretty much. Not all, but most are settled down. Some are looking at having kids. My brother had a kid. My best friends had a couple kids. Like it does feel like, you know, and then you see it in comedy too. Dude, how pathetic is it when it's like a 47 year old guy and he's still trying to get. You know what I mean? You see that a lot. You see that a lot. And it's like I don't to want. Want to be that guy.

[B]

Well, you know, it's funny, I was just thinking about that is when I first started going to open mics and I'd see like older guys like in like you said, like 40 year old guys.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like hitting on young comics or like stuff like that.

[A]

Dude, a 48 year old hitting on like a 22 year old open micr is. It's one of the most pathetic things in the world.

[B]

I like forgot all about those guys until like maybe a few weeks ago. As I saw. I don't want to say no names. I saw like, like older successful comics, like still hitting on young girls. And I was like, oh man.

[A]

It never changed stuff. Yeah. And that's the thing. Yeah. It doesn't change unless you try hard to change it. Unless you steer away from the villain arc. But that's the thing the villain arc ultimately leads. There is being pathetic and lonely. You're rich and you're trying to get 23 year olds to like you. And it's like you don't have a connection with anybody.

[B]

I feel like I at least need to be like, even if I don't stay married, I need it like going.

[A]

Into it being like it's not gonna work. But I need this. I need this for face and my life is awesome.

[B]

I need at least one divorce.

[A]

By.

[B]

By like my 40s or 50s.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

See this? I guess I think what you're doing is setting yourself up for a reason to have to be that pathetic old guy.

[B]

No, I don't want to be that guy that's haunted.

[A]

I just want be to confused.

[B]

My thing is like if I'm like in my 50s and I'm single, you know, I'll probably just holler at like at least women my own age.

[A]

Sure, sure, sure.

[B]

But 38 year olds, I need to like. I don't want to be the guy who got to my 50s and was just like single, but also never married. Like, yeah, that's a little, you know me. It's a little weird. It's a little suspect.

[A]

I gotcha.

[B]

So I need a track record so people can trust me.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, but see that's part of. Again, this is the problem is that you're doing it for your plausible deniability. You just want to be like, I'm not weird. I gave it a shot and it didn't work.

[B]

Tried it out.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

But I don't know. I mean, hey, also I might stay married. I don't know.

[A]

Yeah, there you go.

[B]

I'll let you know how it goes.

[A]

Please let me know. Is there. Are there any prospects or you're still just out here right now?

[B]

I'm just out here, man.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

Yeah, I met one girl, but I don't know. We'll see how it goes.

[A]

That's good, man.

[B]

She's on Instagram. She's, like, kind of like a little Instagram famous. We're just friends right now, but. But who knows?

[A]

She'll.

[B]

She'll get more famous and then she'll dump me for, like, right. I don't know, one of the Nelk guys or something.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. After they. After they interview a different war criminal. Yeah. No, I know what you mean, dude. I don't know. I. You were you. When. When you were growing up. What was it. Was it a similar thing? Like, I assumed it was the, like, trying to make up for lost time, but what was. What were the vibes like in high school? Because one thing I do like is that, you know, we're similar to. In that, like, you surround yourself with friends of yours from back in the day. Like, you know, Elvis I've known since we were kids. Like, everybody. You know, the people I bring to open for me, or, like, JP Who. I was one of the first guys I met in New York. It's been like 10 years, you know, over 10 years, been friends. All that stuff's. You know, I. It's cool to be around your crew and to kind of like, like, get to do what you wanted as a kid. Like, I love that you're. What you're doing with. Clearly, you were a kid that liked cars. And now, like, it seems like all your expense, half your expendable income is going having sick cars, bro.

[B]

I'm going broke thanks to Facebook, Marketplace. And I don't, like, here's the. I feel like I. I made money just so that I could be the guy who doesn't lowball people on Marketplace.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

I love to, like, surprise.

[A]

You're redistributing wealth. Yeah. One, like, carburetor @ a. I'm like.

[B]

What do you have a 96 Camaro that doesn't run for 800? I'll give you 2,000. They're like, what?

[A]

Yeah, that's awesome. You're like, Latino Robin Hood. You're like, Texas car. Latino Robin Hood.

[B]

I look at the yard, and it's just a bunch of cars that don't run. And I'm like, I made it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Somebody had to fill up this land.

[A]

Were you. So did you. Were you, like, a car guy when you were a kid, too? Like, you grew up on that or.

[B]

Yeah, I like cars. My dad had a body shop, and I was. Had shitty cars coming in and out. My dad would, like, flip cars.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And that maybe not in the best ways.

[A]

He was just always like, sure, buy this car.

[B]

Fix it for cheese. Like, let's sell it.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I like. I like that. I don't know. I just like junk, I guess.

[A]

You were working at the body shop.

[B]

Yeah, it's bad, bro. I think I'm like. I think it definitely up my head a little bit. Probably my lungs.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Because we didn't even have, like, paint boots. It was just like, a building where we just, you know. I mean, people would spray. There's just clouds of, like, clear coat all in the air. And my dad would be like, stand in that corner, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, don't breathe it in.

[A]

Don't breathe it in yet. Get away from it.

[B]

Yeah, I'm just like, do this.

[A]

Putting your shirt over it.

[B]

The shirt blocks the cancer.

[A]

Love that, dude.

[B]

But, yeah, I mean, that was, like, in the summers, and it was cool, man. And so now I just. I built, like, a. Like, a house to live in. But my uncle lives in there. I didn't. Yeah. Not that he bullied me out of it. I'm a grown man. But.

[A]

Sounds like he did.

[B]

But I just used, like, the garage area.

[A]

Sounds like your uncle got your ass.

[B]

Like, I'm not allowed upstairs. The bottom floor is, like, all garage, and then the top floor is, like, the living thing.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

So, like, I just go in the garage?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Keep them up.

[A]

Where do you. And where do you live?

[B]

In my dad's house.

[A]

Okay. How far is that?

[B]

It's on the same land.

[A]

Okay. Nice.

[B]

Yeah, we got, like, a cult thing going on.

[A]

Love. I do love that, actually. Yeah. For real. No, I love a comp hound. Like, it would be awesome to buy land. And, like, like, one. One kind of, like, dream is, like, either upstate or somewhere where you could have cabins, where it could be, like, me and all my friends just have a little house, and everybody's hanging out, man.

[B]

The. The people. There's, like, some people not too far from where I live. They have, like, a. Like a real, like, little village going on. They bought up, like, maybe four acres.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Maybe five. Four or five acres. And. And then every time I pass by there, it's, like, advancing. Like, it. Like, it started off, like, two, three trailer homes.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And then and then they built, like, houses, and then they built bigger garages, and the houses got nicer and nicer. And then last time I drove by there, they had like a. Like a brick wall with like, like actual. Like the.

[A]

They're learning masonry.

[B]

They got, like, gates around the whole property. And then they had a playground for, like, the kids.

[A]

Playground.

[B]

I'm like, bro, one day I'm gonna pass by, there's gonna be a elementary school.

[A]

Yeah, dude. Some. Yeah.

[B]

But they're all related to each other. But they. They each other.

[A]

They have to.

[B]

They're weird.

[A]

And this is your. How this is like, outside of Dallas or where is this?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. This is like. I don't want to say exactly where.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, sorry. But in the.

[B]

Can I just say I live in bleep and then you bleep?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. That's another reason. I think it's like. That's another reason, I think that they're doing, like, incest and. Because it's just, like, out in the country.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Like, they don't even. They don't have an education.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

They might. I don't know. They might.

[A]

They might. Who knows? It seems like they know how to build, you know. Yeah. Fences. And at least in the houses, they all work.

[B]

I think they all work for, like, the first guy that moved in there. They're like. I don't know. They do, like, construction or some.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, to me, I'm. I'm definitely like a city person. Like, I grew up in Baltimore, not the biggest city, but it is very urban. And then, you know, I love it here. Like, I don't. For a second. For a second I considered moving, and I was like, where the would I even go? I just. I love. And you know, in fact, I moved into Manhattan, which I like more. As much as I love Queens. I just. I like being in that. Like, I like people being on top of me. I don't. The silence scare. Like. Like being out there with, like, n. Like, acres away from my neighbors would freak me out.

[B]

Actually, when I. When I first went out there, like, I had to stay out there for a couple weeks. Yeah, I hated it because there was no noise. Like, I couldn't hear the highway.

[A]

Yeah, there's highway Dallas, there's highway everywhere. Every road is.

[B]

So if I couldn't hear, like, the, like. Yeah, it kind of freaked me out. But I don't know. One day I just started liking it. It is definitely haunted, though. Ghosts are real. I hear a little girl laughing at Night. It's either a ghost or some little sneaking up to my land and with me or something.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. But, yeah, yeah, you hear a little girl laughing.

[B]

Yeah, my uncle's with me. Somebody's with me. But I, it'll. I, I hear it sometimes when I'm in the garage.

[A]

Like, dude, that sucks.

[B]

I don't, I don't with my cars like until it's like 1am that's when I'm like the most awake.

[A]

Oh, interesting.

[B]

And I was getting really frustrated. I was laying under the car, I was getting really frustrated and I just laid there like, I just gave up. I was like, man, this. And then I just hear like, like laughing. And my uncle told me once that if you hear like ghosts or spirits, that you're supposed to say like, you're not welcome here. Like leave or some. I, I'm not going to piss her off more.

[A]

Like, first of all, I love that your uncle thinks he knows how to deal with ghosts. That's awesome. It's like, oh yeah. You have to say a specific thing and they, they have to list.

[B]

It worked on me. Like, he's like, you're not welcome here. And I left my own house.

[A]

I'm a summertime boy. You see me, I'm in my tank top. Summer, it just makes you feel your best. So what better time to create healthy meal habits that last than the summertime? What better time to get Green Chef the number one meal kit for clean eating. They make it so easy to spend less time in the kitchen and more time enjoying summer customers with their new heat and eat meals. Enjoy a delicious, wholesome meal in just three minutes. You know, I love that as part of. I love to mix it up. I cook a little bit, sure, but there's days when I'm busy. I love the convenience of Green Chef. They use real ingredients. Clean ingredients help you build lasting, healthy habits without the hassle. Enjoy. Salads ready in just five minutes. Protein filled breakfasts or nutrient rich smoothies to fill your day. Green Chef is ready to nurture your nutritional needs. The recipes change every week. With week to week flexibility, you can adjust your plan to match your mood and your schedule. Okay, listen, I use these meals and you should too. I like, I'm a Mediterranean boy. I like their Mediterranean style meals. They got other stuff too. Gluten free, plant based, protein heavy. Even gut and brain. Health, health. So make this summer your healthiest yet with Green chef. Head to greenchef.com 50stavi and use code 50stavi to get 50% off your first month, then 20% off for two months with free shipping. That's code [e-mail]. 50stavi. Yeah. What's that relationship like? How much is he your dad's younger brother?

[B]

Yeah, younger brother, but Nah, nah, he didn't kick me out or nothing like that. It was kind of hard to convince them to move in there. He was the one that taught me how to do, like, body work and.

[A]

Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Oh, yeah. No, I feel you, dude. I mean, I. I, like, just keep buying shitty houses in Baltimore for my family to live in. Yeah. Like, most of my real estate is horrible homes in Baltimore in the neighborhood I grew up in. Like, just so my family, you know.

[B]

There'S a meme that I saw. I think it's like. I don't know if this relates to our families, but it definitely relates to, like, Mexican families families. And it's like, when you see the property that your uncles, like, fell out.

[A]

Yes, yes.

[B]

It's like a shitty house in Mexico.

[A]

Same thing with Greek people. There's like. There's like. This happens all the time with the part of the family that moves to America because they're like, oh, they're gone. We're just gonna take the land. And it's literally just like, on. Just, like, shitty hills of olive trees around nothing. And they're like. Yeah, there's like a blood feud over, like, these, like, horror. This horrible. And me and my brothers. Maybe me and my brothers, our grandma has a little piece of land in an island in Greece. And it's like, that could be a.

[B]

Nice little, you know, an island that's next level.

[A]

It's nice. It's nice. Yeah. Yeah. We would have to build it up, and it would be expensive.

[B]

You'd have to build up the island.

[A]

There's just nothing there.

[B]

No, that's a lot of.

[A]

Not the island. No, no, we don't. I'm not doing a compound like your neighbors. I'm just. It would. We just have to. You know, there's just a piece of land. But yes, every time there's, like a. There's real estate battles over just shitty village properties.

[B]

Your grandma's still alive.

[A]

She is, dude. She's still kicking. She's 94.

[B]

So, like, anytime she gets a cold, you and your brother start to be like, here.

[A]

It's packed. Yeah, let's get some of those. Yeah, let's get some engineers. Let's get some architects. No, she's here. I mean, we could. We could do Whatever the we want with it. She's. She's living with my mom and she has no idea what the going on. She's kind of in that phase.

[B]

My mom is living with my grandma. That's not good.

[A]

That's classic immigrant. I feel like everybody. Like that's how this should be.

[B]

The other way around. It should be. My grandma lives.

[A]

Oh, yeah, you're right. I'm sorry. I didn't realize that's what you were getting at. Your mom moved back in with her mom. Yeah, your mom moved back in with.

[B]

Her parents up the order.

[A]

Damn, bro. Uncle gets a whole floor of the house. Mom's gotta live with grandma up.

[B]

We live like if there's no money.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

We live like. I have no specials.

[A]

Yeah, you can't. You can't build a. Another little lean to on the property. You can't build an A frame on the. Now you don't want mom in the car.

[B]

I'm never building another home.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Because I don't know who's going to live in that one.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

I don't.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't have the balls to like build the home and like say no to somebody else. Moving.

[A]

That's what I'm saying. Build it kind of shitty knowing they'll move. Build three shitty properties, three shitty little houses so that everyone has one. And then you get to build a good one when everybody's moved into theirs. Cars.

[B]

That. I'll go to Greece and I'll move on to your grandma's island. I'll make her a sweet deal.

[A]

Nah. You know the. No car culture there. I think he'd hate it.

[B]

There's no car culture in Greece.

[A]

Not really. They don't give a. About cars.

[B]

What do they do? Like ride bikes or something?

[A]

A lot of. Yeah, a lot of little scooters. Vespas and a lot of Vespas because they're small islands. The roads are very small in Europe.

[B]

So what do you guys eat in Greece?

[A]

You know, we're talking kebabs. We're talking.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[A]

You know. Yeah. Ao Sulaki, Greek, you know, fry seafood. A lot of seafood. Greek salad.

[B]

Okay. I can maybe move to Greece.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

What's the.

[A]

You should go. It's awesome.

[B]

It's a prostitution. Like the.

[A]

It is not fully legal, but it is. You could figure it out if you need to.

[B]

All right.

[A]

It's not like, you know, I think other European countries, it's pretty much legal as hell. I think Australia, it's pretty much legal.

[B]

Australia has legal prostitution I believe so. That's pretty cool.

[A]

Have you been?

[B]

Never interesting, but I want to go now.

[A]

You're good.

[B]

I feel like Australians are wild.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

They like, they like cars a lot too, though. I met a lot of Nissan GTR fans or like enthusiasts who are Australian or Australian interesting at GTR Fest.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

GTR Fest was created by Australians.

[A]

That makes sense because. Because that's like. I do feel like they would be more into Asian cars because they're right there. Yeah. Like, I was shocked by how much. Much like Asian influences in Australia. But then you see, you look at a map, you're like, oh, it makes a lot of sense.

[B]

Yeah. I didn't know this. Japan has a people shortage, which really imagine, you know, you see the videos and stuff.

[A]

Right, right. Well, you can't get pregnant from a tentacle monster nutting. That's part of the problem.

[B]

That is part of the problem. There was a dude, he's in a relationship with the anime character. Like a. Like the toys.

[A]

Yeah. There is something weird about the culture there where it's like become sexless. It's like, yeah, they work too hard. They don't really. Or if they do, they do go to like sex workers. That's not like, you know, they're not having kids. It's crazy.

[B]

Yeah, that's. That's crazy. Apparently they're trying to like invite people over to like live there, but I don't know. Would I move to Japan? I guess it just depends on their prostitution.

[A]

They're pretty open about it. Yeah. In fact, I've seen PE and I don't know if this is true. It's just like a tik tok I saw. But they claim that the. If, you know, even in a relationship, women don't really care because they see it as like. As long as you don't have feelings for someone, I don't care if you them.

[B]

That's nuts.

[A]

Which is crazy. Which is a crazy take.

[B]

You think that's crazy? I think that's perfectly logical.

[A]

I don't know if it's perfectly logical. I think it's a pretty. I think it's a slippery slope if you're starting to somebody else else, you know. Now if they're, I think like going back to the threesome question in a relationship, I think it would make sense to like get. Get a pro involved, get a professional involved because that way there's no emotions or anything. But I think, I think it's very easy.

[B]

I just wouldn't want the. I just wouldn't want the pro to talk to me like he's like a coach, like, like I, like I've never been skydiving. But you know how they make you.

[A]

Go with like like right strapped on your back.

[B]

Yeah, like that situation in a threesome.

[A]

Right, right, right.

[B]

Let me just show you how to perfect.

[A]

You don't want to your wife. You don't want to feel like it's a training, like you're taking a cooking class. You want to feel, you want to feel like no, you're, you know. I would look at it as like, you know, hiring like a housekeeper or something like that. Tell them exactly what you want done and then it's their job to kind of keep it professional, not tip them after. You got to tip, you gotta tip. Well, interesting. Are you. Have you been getting into prostitute. Have you been getting into sex work lately or.

[B]

No, but that's another industry I wish I would have broken into. You don't ever imagine like a lot.

[A]

Of sex work is you're interested in. You're into that.

[B]

I wanted to be a pimp back in the day.

[A]

I don't think you have that in you, man.

[B]

Nobody listens to me. I'd be like, can you that guy? Please, please.

[A]

I'm short on rent. I need you to start sucking dick. We're all going to be homeless if you don't start sucking dick around here. You're begging. It's like you, Ralph. Well, this is a very interesting perspective. I think it's time that we brought your perspective and we should say by the way, new special on Hulu. Yeah. Planet Bosa out now go check it out. And then. And we should take your perspective and help our, help our listeners here. Ralph. We like to do what we got. Let's see what we got here. Eldis. I usually don't start with ones this long, but this one touches thematically on a few things that have come up so far. Okay.

[C]

And esteemed guest. I recorded a message earlier, but it wasn't long enough. So basically for a bit of context, I'm 37, grew up a loser and all throughout college didn't have a lot of luck with, with women and particularly had two or three, two actually two incidents where there were girls right in front of me in my dorms inviting me for a threesome and I've chickened out. So you get the picture. Anyways, fast forward. I've just got out of a long term relationship about five, four months ago. It was already dead. So it was just. We officiated the Ending. And I find myself being a single man with lots of disposable income and no interest in a real relationship yet. Kind of just licking my wounds, as they say. And I've. Because I have some disposable income and I don't spend a lot of money. My work feeds me breakfast, lunch and dinner. And I live next to work, so I don't even use my car. I go to a lot of sex workers. And I particularly started partaking in threesomes and foursomes and etc.

[A]

Pause.

[C]

Never one.

[A]

This guy has too much money. This guy clearly works for like Google or some shit. They feed him breakfast, lunch, or dinner. What the kind of workplace lives at work, he goes to fuck does he go to like daycare? And he. And he lives next door and he's having. Anyway, it's international, it looks like. Interesting. Keep going. All this. Maybe this. This shows you what life is possible, what kind of life you could have under socialism, folks, this is what happens with debt. When you have a strong safety net, you get to buy. Yeah. What. What country is this?

[B]

I kind of feel like scared.

[A]

Oh. Oh, never mind. Oh, this is not Europe. This is somewh sinister. All right, keep going.

[B]

Scary.

[A]

Yeah. Well, that's crazy. Holy.

[B]

I don't think I want to work in prostitution anymore.

[A]

Keep going. Elders, let's see what we got here.

[C]

Sex worker at a time. It's always two or more. And it's fun. I'm loving it. It's. It's a new experience. It's ecstasy, euphoric. But part of me is thinking that if I get used to this, probably a normal woman won't cut it. Because when I'm with these sex workers, I'm like going wild. Like everything I've seen in porn, I'm doing, using protections where possible. But yeah, I'm just thinking, am I overdoing it? And then a normal woman won't cut it anymore.

[A]

And I mean, that's a horrible way.

[C]

To say easy, easy way out. As opposed to investing in learning about someone and going on dates and stuff. I mean, at the moment, I'm not interested in that, but I just feel like if I keep going with those wild.

[A]

Come on, man. You know the answers.

[C]

Expositions. It's gonna ruin me.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

For normal relationships. A normal woman. Kinhoe's arts. I know that you. You're pro sex work.

[A]

We are, but there's a limit to everything. You don't have to hear more. I mean, this is insane.

[B]

What's the guy's name?

[A]

We don't know his name.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

It's anonymous, buddy.

[B]

I'm gonna say this. Start carrying a gun.

[A]

I don't know that that's where we start. I don't know. That's the first thing this guy needs to take care of is having a gun. But you are right this, I mean, look, we are pro sex work, right? But I'm also pro a nice steak dinner, right? That doesn't mean you should have three ribeyes every night. It's a little treat, man. Sometimes you got to have flank steak, sometimes you got to have chicken breast. I mean, this is insane. And yet this is. This is like you do this at your. On your birthday, maybe get a buy a couple, you know, get a couple. Couple sexy ladies to double suck you. That sounds cool. As a treat. You can't. What do you have an ice cream for every meal? I mean, this is insane.

[B]

That's true, man. Don't over indulge, bro. You know, it's cool. You got it.

[A]

You.

[B]

You probably felt like, yo, I missed out on this in college, so let me do it now. But.

[A]

And this guy makes too much money. I mean, we need to take some of his money away.

[B]

I feel like he's trying to bang us because he's saying maybe he brought it twice. He's like, I got disposable income.

[A]

Come dude. I'll tell you though, like, this does end with crazy things like paying two guys you don't know to suck your dick even if you're not gay. Like, he's. He's up his neural pathways with this much pleasure. Like beating off to porn can. Is a problem for intimacy. Finding human beings to recreate the you saw in porn every time you. Is insane. You're out of your mind. Also, like, like he called in from somewhere where I don't know where his source of money is. It's nothing good right there. There is a darkness and a sinister energy to every aspect of your life right now. And you need to change a lot of things about yourself. Definitely stop doing this again. We're not anti sex work here. Hopefully you're tipping well, you're paying well, whatever. But it's. It's like we are. You're. You're over indulging in things. You can get addicted to anything and you absolutely are going to get addicted to this. And it's not. And even looking at it, it's like, is a normal woman gonna cut it? It's like, that's not.

[B]

Are you gonna cut it?

[A]

Yeah, it's like, what are you.

[B]

Normal woman? Yeah, you gotta imagine. Not that you're gonna. Like you said you have no interest in getting into a relationship right now, but you gotta imagine it could be four or five years from now. You're on a.

[A]

You're.

[B]

You're in a relationship. You're. It's getting serious. And then she asked you, have you ever had a threesome? And you're just like, yeah. And she's like, how'd it happen? I paid for it. Like, imagine what that's gonna.

[A]

I paid $30,000 over the course of four months on a threesome every three days. What the are you talking about, dude?

[B]

You know what I mean? A good woman is not gonna like that, bro. You guys.

[A]

I mean, look, it's just. I don't even know about that. Right? I think it's. Yes. I don't know that anybody. He just clearly has an addict. This is just so clearly an addiction that it's bad. It's bad for you. Anytime you're doing. You're overindulging in things that are awesome. It will you up.

[B]

You. Everybody has a vice, but you don't want this to be your vice, bro. Do, like. Do, like, go on Marketplace, Facebook. Marketplace or some sort of drugs. Don't do a lot of mushrooms. The mushrooms will help you, brother.

[A]

I just. Yeah, I mean, I think. Yeah, he's just. Yeah. This is just not. This is too. Too much of anything is a problem, and you are really overdoing it when it comes to buying pussy. I feel like, also, it's not gonna make his, like, college self less of a loser. This won't have made you, like, have that threesome in college. That is your North Star in life. And you're like, hollow life or whatever. Yeah. This is an even more hollow version of what we're up to. You know what I mean? It's like. And it's not. It's not like it's. This is purely transactional. You're not. You're not making up for anything, and you're just changing the way that you relate to sex. And you're really making it an unrealistic thing where, yes, of course, hot women that you're paying to do exactly what you want. Of course a regular person who's trying to relate to you and have the, like, sex in a loving way is not going to be. Is not going to behave this way.

[B]

You should go. I don't know if you have these type of friends, but you should hang out with friends who judge you.

[A]

Yes. You. This guy does need a little. I mean, we're doing it now. We're showing you that even us, even this podcast that is very horny and pro sex work is disgusted at your behavior. So change your life, man. This is too much. Do this once a year, max. Even though he's saying it, I'm like, it doesn't sound so bad.

[B]

I think you should quit. I think you've had enough quit call.

[A]

Yeah, wean yourself off, folks. You know, starting your own business can be damn intimidating. It's a lonely task. All the hat you got to wear all the hats. You're wearing a top hat, you're wearing a bowler, you're wearing a koofie on top of that. Too many hats. I know that as a one man band, podcast, comedian, merch salesman, I did it all and it was a pain in the ass. That was before I had my friends over at Shopify involved. And look, you're probably starting your own small business. You're probably. You got too many hats on yourself. You know what I mean? I don't know what you're doing. Maybe you're selling soaps. You're mixing the soap. You're doing the website. You're trying to keep track of everything. Well, well, why don't you stop messing around and help with the number one fricking e commerce platform? That's right. It's Shopify. Wait, what is that? We just made another sale on the Stavi baby on Stavi biz store. Must have been a T shirt or a calendar. Those are coming up quick. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all E commerce in the United States. From household names like Mattel and Gymsharks to brands just getting started. We're one of them. Like I said, look, get your damn business off the damn ground with Shopify. If you're ready to sell, you're ready to for Shopify. Turn your big business idea into with Shopify on your side. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling [e-mail] Stop. Go to shopify.comstavi shopify.comstavi Holy crap. What else we got?

[C]

LD hey, Savvy, Eldest, esteemed guest, a long time listener. Seen you a couple times out in the West Coast. So excited to be speaking to you. I have kind of an odd question. So I'm in this French group, there's, you know, a bunch of us. I'm really lucky to have found them. It's great. And some people who are on the periphery of this friend group invited their friends to kind of join us when we do, like, outdoor activities, go to concerts, stuff like that. I don't particularly like these extra friends who've been brought in. It's a couple. They're fine. They're nice enough, but they are always belligerently drunk. Constantly, whenever I see them, it's a real fucking downer. And, you know, we've had to, like, you know, out, like, hanging outside, save them from fucking falling into the river or some shit like that. It's always a hassle. They're always drunk. They never remember anything from when we hang out. It's kind of the worst. And so I can look past this, like, whatever. Keeps their own. But I recently found out that. That the husband in this couple is an aircraft technician and that he supposedly drinks on the job right before he goes on the job. This is hearsay. Like, secondary. That's probably not the right usage of that word. But it's secondary information, so I didn't hear it from him directly. I'm not sure how true it is, but this has me fucking terrified. And also in a weird place because I don't really know what my place in this is as someone who's like, on the periphery of them, you know? So I am torn because part of me wants to tell the airline and snitch.

[A]

What the are you talking?

[C]

But also, it's like I don't know for sure if that's happening. And I don't want someone to lose their job and they fall worse into alcoholism.

[A]

Exactly.

[C]

Or something. I don't know. Honestly, the worst part of it is I really like flying. I'm terrified to fly to my home airport. So just looking for advice. Should I switch airlines? Should I report him? Should I forget it and act like nothing happened? Report him. I could use your help.

[A]

The Are you talking about?

[B]

I'm on my next few flights. Call it in.

[A]

And maybe we'll bleep the airline so we don't get sued. That's actually really true. Thank you. Else this. Leave the airline. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, this is crazy. This is the most. I'm a coward, and I'm finding a different thing to pretend I'm mad at. You're mad? Him and his drunk, dumb wife have up four hikes and three concerts for you. You don't give a. That he's a drug, that you have secondhand information that he's a. He drinks on the job and. Look, you sound like a good person. I get that. You pro. Part of it probably is you're a little worried about this, but you also don't have any proof, Right. For you to immediately go to snitching means you hate this guy. This is like when you're. You know, when. When you hate somebody, when you've secretly been hating someone, you're looking for any little wait for someone to talk on them. And then once they talk, it's like.

[B]

You fire up the group chat.

[A]

Right? Right. This is his. Like, I can't say I don't like their vibes, but now I can pretend I'm morally offended that I heard a rumor he drinks on the job. You know what I mean?

[B]

Dude, look, you. You either got to go one way or the other here. You either stop hanging out with these people and find different friends, just get out of the circle completely. Or man up, drug his drink, put cocaine in his beard. Obviously he's going to drink or whatever, put some drugs in there, called bleep on him, and like, yeah, look, I'll watch them do heroin and get rid of them. Either you get out or man up and get the rid of this guy, bro.

[A]

I mean, there is something to this general dynamic, though, of, like, this. Ha. What's happening is your friends are doing a hostile takeover of your friend group. You know, like, you know when there's like five or six people that always hang out together. Yeah. And then it's great when somebody gets added in. They vibe with everybody. That's. Actually, I've been really lucky that a lot of my friends from my life, you know, like, it's cra. You know, we. We've meshed a lot of our friend groups, and, like, I've. It's been awesome. And then sometimes you bring somebody along and you're like, you know what? The vibes aren't exactly right. We're going to keep them over here. You know what I mean? It's like. But it's awesome when friend groups, especially as you grow older and it's kind of harder to make friends if somebody picks up. If one of your boys picks up, picks up a friend and they're actually cool and they get in the mix and you like them. And now it's like this group that's known. You know, it's almost like circles on a tree where it's like, it starts with four people, then it's six, then it's, you know, I mean, it's cool when it works.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But also, it doesn't work a lot of the time. Right. Like, I'M sure you've been. I'm sure, like, you've had a friend who's, like, talked up somebody like, dude, you're gonna love my boy Mike. This guy's the man.

[B]

And then Mike's like a piece of.

[A]

And he sucks, eating ass.

[B]

Ass in front of everybody.

[A]

It's like, okay, Mike's on some freak. Like, Mike's decided, you know, he doesn't have to commit assault or, you know, some kind of. He's getting three sex workers at a time without telling everyone. Come on, guys, let's cheat on our wives with. You're like, I don't know about this.

[B]

Yeah, you definitely got to, like, like you said, change it. Mess it up. You know what I mean?

[A]

This is an. It is an interesting topic of discussion. Like, what do you do do, like, let's take this drunk shit aside, right? You don't give a fuck about that. You're not snitching. Okay, first of all, if you really, really care, you need absolute proof. Not just somebody else who also hates this guy talking about it. More important is, like, who told you this? Because politically, within the friend group, this might be. This might be where you can start a faction to get him out. It's not important that you hear this rumor. The fact that somebody's spreading this rumor means he also hates this.

[B]

I feel like. Like this guy's girlfriend told him.

[A]

Yeah, it might be his girlfriend. But if there are other people within the group, like, you need to do a census of, you know, you need to, like, really get in here with the rest of the group and be like. I mean, the fact you have to. Maybe this person is just nice, actually. He sounds like a nice guy, actually. And he doesn't think in this conniving, Machiavellian way about his friends the way I do. I have a problem where I am. You know, I do think of the dynamics and, like, how are we going to get this piece of out of here? But you need to start thinking that way because this guy clearly has been up your friend group. Or the opposite is just like. Or if you want to be an adult about it, you can just have a conversation with your friends.

[B]

I was going to. What I suggest, too, is, like, ask the dude himself. Be like, hey, bro, are you drinking on the job? And if he's like, yeah, just be like, don't do that. Chill out. You know what I mean?

[A]

That is interesting. Interesting, though, because again, I'm just like. He's not wrong, but it's like, what the. Do you care I don't know, dude.

[B]

You could be friends with this guy. What if you could be the guy who really fixes this guy up, like, or at least helps him in this.

[A]

You could look at it as like, do you have a drinking problem? Yeah.

[B]

You could just be like, hey, bro, knock that off. This guy, though, what's not to like? The guy, he's obviously in a good relationship. He's a pilot.

[A]

He's not a pilot. He's a technician. Technician.

[B]

Oh, he's a technician.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

All right, guys. A technician. You know, like this guy. I'll be friends with this guy.

[A]

I don't know, man. I. I get where he's coming from. Being annoyed at a new at somebody break. What you're really, really annoyed at is somebody bringing people in the friend group that you don't like. That's really the crux of the matter here. And how you deal with that is either talk to your friend about it, or if you want to be Machiavellian, see who feels this way about them. And then, look, at the end of the day, you don't have to hang out with people you don't like. But also, snitching is kind of insane. I don't know. Or even confronting him about a room. What if you're wrong? What if just somebody made that up? Because. Because this guy gets drunk at a concert that, like, people are like, oh, he drinks on the job, too. And then he's like, like, do you drink all the jobs? Like, what are you talking. Imagine somebody telling that to you. And you don't. You're like, what. What the. Are you talk. That's a weird overstep to somebody that you tolerate socially. You were going to say something, El, did you have anything. I was going to say, I agree with you that it's like, kind of none of your business. Like, you have to make sure the source is good. When he did make. When he did make, like, when he did mention the airline, though, that made it a lot more real for me, where it's like, I do fly them a good amount. That's kind of weird. But at the same time, you never know, like, how many pilots or aircraft know this, though. We're talk. It's be if it was fat. Stone cold fact. Yeah. Even then I would be like, yeah, I don't like if you had proof. And you do. And you are like, the kind of person who sees this as like a. As like a public good. Okay, maybe. Or you confront the guy and be like, hey, man, you should get Your drink under control. This is unsafe, right? I guess, like, because there's different levels, right? This is somewhere between, like, you know, know, like, guy at a convenience store who goes to work drunk, don't care at all, get as fucked up as you want, doesn't matter at all. And then on the other end, it's like school bus driver, right? It's like, yes, you have to stop that immediately. Airline technician, which. What does that even fucking mean? Is somewhere in the middle for me, right? Where I, you know. And so I just. My. My larger point is, is he clearly is pissed that this guy's in the friend group. That's his actual problem. And you need to bring it up with your friend and talk about it. Talk about. Talk it with your other friends or, you know, may this guy. It might just sting that your friend likes these people more than you. And you're like, I don't really want to hang out with them. It might just up the whole vibes of the thing. But he's just looking for an out where it's somebody. Some. There's some other reason that this guy's not in the friend group. Unless his point is, look, I've made peace with this guy being in the friend group. I'm just. He can still. Even after he gets fired from the airline, he is going to hang out. And I'm okay with that. It's just a public safety thing. And if that's the case, then you have to become a private eye or some and find actual information, proof that.

[B]

He'S doing it, Bro, just make more friends, bro.

[A]

I say make more friends. Yeah.

[B]

Find people that are more like you, that don't get too drunk, I guess.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Personally, I want to hang out with airlines guy.

[A]

You don't know that, man.

[B]

That guy kicks ass.

[A]

You don't know if that's true. The older I get, the more I'm like, oh, people who love getting up. It's like, Jesus in your 30s, man. Again, being like, I like to get. Just blackout. It's like, we're not 20.

[B]

I know I'm a shitty friend because I like hanging out with those people for the entertainment of it. But like, yeah, that guy was falling down a river. I probably wouldn't, like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Risk myself to catch him.

[A]

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Well, there goes that guy. I'm wearing car. My favorite cargo shorts. I can't get in the river. What else we got, Eld?

[C]

Hello. Stuff elders and a team guest. I have a problem with my penis. I'm 22.

[B]

Here we go. I've been waiting.

[C]

About six months ago, got out of a long term relationship and started having sex with women I didn't know. Got a met at bars and unhinged, unprotected. I thought it was gonna be chill, but turns out I got something on my dicks called molluscal contagiosum, which is a common, benign viral skin infection that causes small, raised, pearly bumps on the skin. Basically, my dick and my pubic area was covered in red bumps. And. And it looks really not good. Anyways, so obviously freaked out and went to the dermatologist. And my options are either wait six to nine months for it to go away or six to 18 months. Some people say four years.

[A]

Years.

[C]

Or I get liquid nitrogen treatment on my penis and I'm like, fuck, that sounds really painful. But I'm going into my senior year of college. Am I not gonna have sex?

[A]

You can't.

[C]

Not gonna jerk off.

[A]

No. That's insane.

[C]

I have like 50 bumps on my penis and they're gonna. I mean, I don't know what burning off liquid nitrogen is, so.

[A]

Didn't they?

[C]

Yeah. I'm just kind of freaking out. And you just need some good quality advice. Thanks.

[A]

I had a wart on my leg. Okay. That they, like, burned off with some liquid. Liquid nitrogen. I had, like, the sketchiest dermatologist in the world doctor's office in Astoria that was like straight up. Like just a living room. Like, this guy's doctor's office was how we use this apartment for a podcast studio.

[B]

Like, we. Sorry, we've been burning this. We gotta turn this into a studio right now.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. And it was up, like, the whole time. He's just complaining to me about how people are so harsh on, like, ZOC doc reviews. It was really weird. Hilarious. But anyway. Okay. So I thought. I forgot if it was ridiculous. Whatever. This is nuts. You can't have bumps on your. First of all, don't random people without a condom. Okay? That's crazy. Especially not random people you meet at a bar. You got to. You got to. You got to cap up for situations.

[B]

Like, I think you just got to go to better bars.

[A]

And. Rav, you do have a child. Is that correct? Wedlock? Yeah. Okay, so that you get bumps or child. Are you disappointed in me? I just mean. I just mean maybe you could have worn condoms in situations.

[B]

You have a bastard, don't you?

[A]

I know, Certainly. So all of a sudden it becomes a puritanical podcast. Why did you just do this?

[B]

Like, what is that Pawn Stars thing? I have A buddy who's an expert on this.

[A]

Ralph, Ralph, you've been with sleazy women, right? I'm just saying. Dude, I'm just saying. You don't want to be unwrapped if you can help it. It's my. That's. My point is, like, it's. We're.

[B]

We're.

[A]

We're pro sluts on this podcast, but we're also pro protecting yourself. This guy ended up with. Now, listen, I'd probably rather have a kid than bumps all over my dick, if I'm being honest. Yeah. But four years is nuts. And you got. You have to go in here with night. You gotta. You gotta get the nitrogen. It's gonna hurt and you should know that.

[B]

Yeah, do the nitrogen. If you wait, even if you get it in six, even if you wait six months to go away, you're gonna be so horny at the end of those six months, you're gonna go right in back to another.

[A]

You're gonna be wrong dogging in no time. Yeah.

[B]

If you get that liquid nitrogen, even if it's painful, you'll have that pain to always remind you to use condom.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

Do the liquid nitrogen, bro.

[A]

You have to do the liquid nitrogen.

[B]

Don't let your. Also, your penis probably looks all Quasimodal right now. Like, don't let it look like. Treat your penis with respect, man.

[A]

It probably looks. It probably looks like what people assume herpes is even though he doesn't have her. Yeah, but that's. I don't even believe that it's benign. I mean, I guess it is, or. But that's. That sounds like he's really spinning this. A red bumps that stay on your for up to four years is a benign infection. Doesn't sound benign to me.

[B]

Nine, bro.

[A]

Oh, dude.

[B]

You could also maybe make some money out of this. Like, keep the bumps and then just go give lectures. Like, here's why you should wear a condom. Like, show your penis to high school students.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't show your professional.

[B]

Your like, in auditoriums, you're bumpy prick to children.

[A]

I wouldn't show that. You're like, let's. Okay, I'm going to school for the blind. Let's learn how to do Braille, everybody. Yeah, dude, get this laser. Get this nitrogen. Do. Let the pain be a reminder of your mistakes, you know, for sure. Tough stuff, dude.

[B]

Go to better bars.

[A]

Don't raw dog strangers. Here's the thing. I'll raw dog if I know someone after a while, but I can't be raw dogging strangers.

[B]

Yeah, you and I don't. Well, I didn't see what school he went to, but be careful.

[A]

Yeah, go with Christ. Yeah, not till you're married.

[B]

Hey, this guy. I. I mean, I'm reading the. The transcript. Why is the guy started off with.

[A]

Sorry, it's probably picks. It very rarely gets Stavi right. So. Oh.

[B]

So I say, hey, Stavi.

[A]

Oh, yeah, here's got. Let's see.

[C]

Hey, Savvy. Love the show. First time, long time. My wife and I, we got a question for you. We moved into this place. We love it. Old owners left it in great condition. And after they moved out, we just kept getting packages from them. You know, at first it kind of felt like auto buys. You know, we get stuff like baby bath stuff, clothes, kids stuff, and they wouldn't come pick it up, so we would, you know, donate it. There were a couple things we could use that we used. And they. There was one time they did like a whole back to school, tons of kids clothes. You know, they came to pick those up, but it's. It kept going. So, you know, they send like, women's hair products. And where we're at now is they just sense an iPad mini. It's been. Been like almost a year and a half since we moved into this place. Like, what do we do with this? You know, did we donate this? Are we allowed to keep it? I mean, how long does this have to stay out in front of us?

[B]

Kept some of it, you know, door.

[C]

Before we take it. All right, let us know.

[B]

Love you.

[C]

Thanks.

[A]

Yeah. This is insane. It's crazy on the other people's part.

[B]

The.

[A]

The.

[B]

I mean, it's crazy. I feel like it's a little crazy on both parts, but it's just funny to me that, like, I guess the stuff that was inexpensive as an iPad, he's like, I'm gonna give that away.

[A]

And of this.

[B]

But now that it's something, like, cool. He's like. He's like looking for Stobby's. Approved. Like, st said I could.

[A]

I could do an. First of all, iPad mini. What the. Do they still make those? Isn't that. Aren't those old as. I don't know. Anyway, whatever. It's been a year and a half now. What's interesting to me, what puts a little. Throws a little wrench in this, is the fact that they've come to pick up certain things. Like if it was the kind of thing. Thing where these people move out and you just have no contact with them for the entire time, and you've tried to get into contact and they've sort of ignored it. Whatever. Then it's almost like, whatever, man. You gave it a shot, but you have some strange connection or they've come like, bro, look, there's got to look.

[B]

Up the laws on this. Like, there's got to be some sort of law where, like, if it's on your property for more than so many days.

[A]

Yeah, that's true.

[B]

Could just be yours. Or do the shady thing. Ignore these people's calls, and when they come to your house, be like, I ain't seen nothing.

[A]

You could say it was stolen all the time. Oh, true. Some places do. Only the iPad was stolen. Hey, these shitty baby clothes. They left these.

[B]

I. I'd just be like, bro, I haven't seen and it's not my problem. Like, I bought this house from you, whatever.

[A]

Year and a half. It is crazy.

[B]

You can. You don't know how to change addresses on Amazon.

[A]

I mean, that's. That's insane. Yeah, be like, delete the address. Delete it. Don't just change it, delete it. Yeah, I mean, it's been so long that it's just like, you don't really have. I would say for me, a big, big ticket item. I would not feel com. Like, I would either. I would probably return to sender it or some like that. Or if you really felt like it, you could, you know, get in contact with them. But I think, think, like, basically if you ever get in contact again, you should be like, hey, just so you know, we're not. I'm never doing this again. Like, if you ever talk to them again and be like, hey, this is unacceptable. We're just donating everything that comes, you know, that. That gets sent our way because we just don't want to deal with this anymore. And I think you're fine, but I.

[B]

Think this is a perfect opportunity. Community.

[A]

Or just return to sender it.

[B]

Whatever. Nah, that. Bro, just like, give the iPad to, like, some. Some relative that you had a falling out with and be like, let's squash. And it just looks so good on you.

[A]

That's not a bad idea. Use it to your advantage. Use it to your personal.

[B]

Give away these gifts as if you bought them.

[A]

I like that. Yeah.

[B]

Fix your relationships.

[A]

Year and a half is nuts.

[B]

Yeah, that person that's on them.

[A]

You know, I would say after. I mean, the bit the. Yeah, it is on them. I mean, maybe I. I think your point of, like, look up the laws is a good One just so you're covered. But I think at some point you might just want to be like hey, please stop getting things sent here. Please delete this address. Yeah, we don't want to deal with this and anything further will just be thrown away. You could just say that there's probably just. Just to cover your yourself. Cuz I mean you know, they also probably don't give a. These people are stupid. It sounds like. Imagine doing this for a year and a half. It's okay. It happens three times and then you like I gotta delete that.

[B]

Also the like these people with some of the stuff that they never picked up. How much money do they make that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Ordering and just be like ah well.

[A]

That'S, that's the other point is that these people clearly if they don't give a at all about this many deliveries then they're also probably have the money to not get. Give a fuck. So them. Yeah, it's their fault. Somebody who's like who an iPad mini matters to is not just kind of letting it chill there willy nilly.

[B]

I order an iPad mini, I'm making sure is my fucking address.

[A]

Absolutely. Dude. I just ordered some fucking tracksuits. I'm double checking, I'm double checking. That's my address. I've been getting active this summertime. Okay. I've been hitting my steps. I recently lost my steps tracker. It actually has broken my heart. I have to go get another one because I'm addicted to this steps. But summertime out in the heat, you know what that means? Sweat. And if you're not wearing the right underwear that gets real uncomfortable real fast. I know all about that. I spent the first 20 years of my life with constantly chafed thighs. Not with me undies. Their micro modal fabric is legit magic super soft, breathable and somehow stays cool even when it's 90 degrees and your AC is losing the battle. It does feel. It feels like your junk is wrapped up in a beautiful chafe proof ice cold towel. Soft too. Breathable too. Oh my God. And they got a bunch of different styles I'm wearing. I've gotten some compliments. I don't want to be a saucy boy. I don't kiss and tell. But certain fresh, you know, certain pals of mine have seen me in the undies. They've said wow, that's a nice. What is that? A little popsicle? A little popsicle covering up your little popsicle. That's what they said to me. Unmatched comfort style for everyone. Like I said you know, sustainably sourced partners who care for their workers. And are you not happy with your first pair of undies? It's on meundies. With more than 30 million pairs sold and 90,000 five star reviews, MeUndies are an essential summer must have for every drawer. We love them here at Stavi World. I got some. Eldest has some. They are keeping us chafe proof, comfortable and looking stylish all summer long. Right now, as a listener of my show, you can score sizzling summer deals like up to 50% [e-mail] stavi so enter promo code stavi that's meundies.com stavi promo code stavi for up to 50% off me undies comfort that's made for summer. All right, these people, what else? You know, maybe we got time for one more. Maybe one more in a quick one. Eldest. Yeah.

[C]

Most honorable guests and general disdain for any Albania's presence. I'll get right down to it. I fucked this girl about two years ago. We had like a weekend fling right before I went back to university over Christmas break. She's great. So funny. Just the kind of person I'd want to be in a relationship with. So I moved away and we talked for a bit, but I kind of dwindled off. Right. So she dates a guy for about a year in between. I'm back two years later and she just broke up with this guy. How do I get back with this girl and turn it from like the fuck buddy you get to get with right after breakup because she had just got out of a five year relationship the first time. And I forgot to mention that it turned this into like a real ass relationship because I don't know, I just. There was such a spark the first time. I really want to kind of capture my opportunity here and not waste my window because I mean, she could get back to someone right away.

[B]

I don't know.

[C]

Anyway, any advice is appreciated. Thank you very much and sorry about the other voicemails.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

These guys is like a good guy, man.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You this guy compared to the first guy. You have range in your listeners.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

You have like romantic comedy, main character guy.

[A]

Yes, true. Yeah. Like this guy might be cooked cuz he's too good a person. I feel the desperation and desire in his voice, which is good. I would say the jet. The thing to be aware of here is that like he clearly wants this. This might be the rare time where it's like, do you know that she wants that from you? You think she's awesome you might just be some little. He might be a piece of meat to her. He might be living your dream, Ralph.

[B]

You might not have a good personality.

[A]

So you have to be prepared for that. But I would say, I mean, dude, this is pretty simple. It's been. It's been two years, right, Eldis? Yeah, so. So two years, a long enough time where you just. You're back in the town, you're. You're done with college or whatever. You ask her. You just like, ask her out. You do relationship stuff with her. You, you know that you guys, like, if you hit her up, you're like, hey, want to get dinner? And she's like, no, but why don't you come over to my apartment at 1am you got a good idea about what she thinks of you, right? Yeah. But if you say, hey, want to get dinner? She comes, comes, great. You go to dinner, you, whatever.

[B]

I think if you, if you get to go to dinner with her, you tell her straight up at the dinner, like, hey, I would like to like, for real date you.

[A]

Well, the other thing though, it has been two years. That's why I think you do a real date, to just kind of catch the vibe.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because right now he's going off of what it was two years ago, and he's a different person. She's a different person. She might just be like looking at us like, nice, one of my old hoes get back on the horse, suck a little dick, get ready for next. I meet my husband after that, you know what I mean? He's looking at it like, this is my wife. She might look at it like, oh, nice. This is just kind of.

[B]

That's true. Don't move too fast, bro. Cuz what if she's changed so much now? You. What if you meet up with her for dinner and she's like, oh, I caught some bumps from some weird dick bump guy.

[A]

I have benign rash on my. I have five. I have red bumps for four years for a presidential term. Then around the next Olympics, my pussy will clear up. So, yeah, I think you just go. You just go, figure out the vibes. See, go, go out, do something that's like, not overtly sexual, Right up top and just catch the vibe. See how the first hangout goes. And then if things go well, well, I think on the second one you could be like, hey, it's been great. I've had a great time. I had a really great time two years ago, and I feel like those vibes are still here. You know, I was moving away, you had just gotten out of a relationship back then, but now it feels like, you know, from my. What I'm looking for right now is something serious. Or you could even be like, hey, I've grown up a little bit. I'm not looking just for a fling. We have some great chemistry. I enjoy spending time with you. Yeah, why don't we. Yeah.

[B]

How far this can go.

[A]

Yeah, let's. Let's hang out. And it's like, I'm looking for something a little more serious. I think that's fine. But I think you try the first hangout, and if you are even granted one serious hangout, you'll know kind of automatically how she feels about you. And then. Listen, I'm not saying you should quit on that. You could even try. Even if she sees it as a. As a buddy situation, you could kind of go in there and be like, hey, I actually would like something more serious and see how, how she responds to that. Like, I'm not trying to get married or anything, but like, I. I wanted to be a little. The context needs to be a little more serious than just we. Which sounds crazy to me. It's like I'm hearing that. I'm like, that sucks. But it's like, no, that's good. You're right.

[B]

I hope this works out, bro. Like, I'm invested now.

[A]

I do, too. Let us know if it works out. You got something fun for us to go out on? Eldis.

[C]

Davi. What's up, baby? Booked a trip to Greece, my boyfriend, for this summer, for two weeks. Really excited. So naturally I'm brushing up on my Greek culture by watching season two of the Wire. And I plan on using the word malacca a lot. I think I'm really going to lean on that one. So I'm wondering, is that a word that is used in like day to day casual exchanges between friends that maybe like to rip on each other in Greece? So is that. Am I going to stick out like a sore thumb if I use that? And also, what are some other words that I might be able to use just so that the locals know that even though I'm American. American, I'm not one of the bad ones. I like to like to around. So, yeah. Any advice? Much appreciated. Thanks, man.

[A]

Wow. Okay, so this guy's going to Greece and the term malaka is like a. It's kind of like. It technically translates to jerk off, but it's kind of closer to our, like, it's just kind of like our standard, like curse word. Like mala. You know, you call Everybody on my.

[B]

Lack of.

[A]

It is a little like you call your friend. Like it would be like if, if you're visiting, if you're like a Greek guy and you're visiting America, you're not going to go into a Starbucks and say hey can I have some coffee, you jerk off. You know what I mean? Like that's what you would sound like just as. You know what I mean? So it's like that's not really what you want to lead with. Now. Greek people love. Love when now if you're like at a bar or something and you've kind of struck up a little conversation. Pe. Greek people love when you throw some curse words at them. You know, malaka the other the. I don't know if I even want to say because it's. It's cuz our slur for gay people is a little softer than the F. Than the. I feel like, you know, hidden. Hidden gay guys with a hard F isn't so fun here in America, in Greece. Now I don't know if we're just a more homophobic country, but I feel more comfortable saying it in Greek. And it's a funnier sounding word. But I don't know that I'm going to tell you it and I don't know I'm going to say it on record, I'll tell it to you off camera.

[B]

But you gotta release this guy into.

[A]

Greece with as many bad as many slur. I mean butcher is dick, right? Malaka puta mun mun is.

[B]

I think that you should have as much fun as you you can in Greece and make as many friends as you can. And I think the best way to find your friend group in Greece is by being yourself. And being yourself is saying malaka the strangers. Malaka that up, bro.

[A]

I do think a lot more people than you'd expect would like it. But I think I. You just got to have one little interact, one little smock smile. But it's again, it's like a foreigner coming into America and being like hi jerk off. You know what I mean? Like can I have a sandwich please? One time stop. And his brothers egged me on to tell his dad in Greek stop jerking me off you. And then like a slur. That's like an extreme f slur kind that's like ass party or something. No, no, that was more fun. Okay, Biso Glendy literally tried translates to party from behind. And that's a term for gay guy. Stop. Stop jerking me off. Ass party or in Greek to him. And I Thought it was gonna get like a big. We all thought it was gonna kill. And my dad just kind of looked at me. You could tell he was, like, annoyed. It did not go over, which is crazy. That is my dad's sense of humor. I don't know. We caught him.

[B]

That was like. You set that up. Up, right?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, Absolutely. Yeah.

[B]

Just really disappointed in you at that.

[A]

I don't know. I don't know. But my dad. No, my dad. Because we're, like, older, too. It's not even like we were a little kid. Yeah, as a little kid, you're like, why are my kid. My kids and his friend cursing? But, you know, we were like, 23, 24, and my dad hated it. And it was like it was on him. Because that was objectively funny. But, yeah, you. We. That was a tough one. My dad did not like.

[B]

What's the word? Ass.

[A]

Party from behind, Glendy.

[B]

Piso. Glendy. It means party from behind.

[A]

Yeah, Piso is behind. Glendius. Party behind. Party behind. Party. That's more of an obscure one.

[B]

Let me type.

[A]

But it's a fun one. It's a very fun one.

[B]

I'm gonna type that down.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

How do I spell it?

[A]

P, S, O. Yeah. G, L, G, L, E, N, D, I. Piso Glendy.

[B]

I'm gonna call my next special that.

[A]

Piso Glendis ass party guy who likes to party for my behind. There it is. So anyway, that's a. That's a fun one. I think people would be kind of surprised you even know that one. But look, man, enjoy Greece. Don't worry about cursing at the locals. Everybody speaks English there. You throw a couple curse words there, they'll like it. Malaka pua muni. You know, go up to a guy. Go up to a guy that you're trying to be friends with and be like the. It means I want. He'll love that. He'll be like, I also want. You'll bond over not getting at a bar in Greece. It'll be awesome. Anyway, that's gonna do for us, Ralph. Thanks for coming, man. This was so fun.

[B]

Oh, thanks for having me, guys.

[A]

Go watch the special on Hulu right now. Planet Bosa. And you got a bunch of stuff, though. You got old specials.

[B]

I started a YouTube channel called Formula Bean where we fix up cars we find on Facebook, Marketplace.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Try to race.

[A]

That's a great idea, dude.

[B]

Yeah, well, blown up our first car.

[A]

Stay tuned, Formula Bean. And you might hear the haunted ghost of the. Of the garage, too. If you're lucky. Wow. That's Matt Rice buying haunted dolls. You're living in. You're in a haunted garage. We need to do some kind of haunted Eldis.

[B]

Yeah, buy my garage.

[A]

Matt R. Put the Annabelle Annabelle doll in the Honda garage. Let him fight it out.

[B]

You can have my uncle.

[A]

That's going to do it for us, folks. We'll talk to you next week. Bye. Bye.