#143 - Nick Viagis and Ivy Wolk

Summary

Stavvy’s World Ep #143: Nick Viagis & Ivy Wolk
Released: August 25, 2025

---

Episode Overview

In this episode of Stavvy's World, Stavros Halkias invites comedians Nick Viagis and Ivy Wolk for a deeply personal, hilarious, and occasionally unhinged conversation about addiction, mental health, sex, family backgrounds, and the messy realities of being young (or no longer young) in comedy. The trio swap stories, roast each other’s neuroses and choices, and, as always, tackle listeners’ advice calls with characteristic irreverence and honesty. Raucous and caustic, the conversation bounces between self-deprecating humor, surprisingly raw admissions, and idiosyncratic wisdom—exposing the chaos behind being both a performer and a person.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introductions, Meds, and Pill Stories

• [00:12–02:35] Stav introduces Nick and Ivy, immediately riffing on Nick’s supplement “stack” (Wellbutrin, Finasteride, testosterone support, erection pills) and Ivy’s history with benzodiazepines.
  • Nick: “If we’re talking about addiction, you’re addicted to having hair and a hard dick.” [01:30]
  • Ivy shares her pill addiction stories, including Nick having to wake her up from blackouts before gigs.
    • Ivy: “Falling asleep in my damn soup. Love that fucking feeling.” [01:40]
    • Nick: “There was one time right before show, I was on the phone with Ivy’s mom and she was like, make her flush the pills.” [02:05]

2. Ivy & Nick’s Friendship: Comedy Origins and Gendered Spaces

• [02:47–05:45] The duo recount awkward early standup encounters. Ivy discusses the unique position of being accepted by male comics as "one of the guys," which comes with its own downsides.
  • Ivy: “They objectified you in that. They see you as just like, a chair… They butchered me real fast.” [05:09–05:16]
• They joke about shorts fashion, romantic disappointments, and the “hot girl transformation” trope.
  • Ivy reveals a new milestone: “I got cummed in for the first time ever in my whole life. Not my name.” [06:06]

3. Sex, Age-Gap Relationships & Social Perceptions

• [06:59–09:44] Ivy recounts her first time being “nutted in” (post-IUD), with the group riffing on expectations vs. reality.
  • “I thought it would feel like a bidet… It actually didn’t feel like much of anything.” [06:17]
• Ivy discusses dating a much older man, reflecting both humor and fatalism about “cashing in” her youth.
  • “Soon I’m gonna be like a crone.” [07:44]
  • Conversation veers into male fantasy, objectification, and why Ivy paradoxically craves comedy scene “locker room” treatment.

4. Family Background & Upbringing

• [10:15–15:56]
  • Ivy: Grew up in LA; her dad is the censor on Jimmy Kimmel Live and is socially involved with comedians like Andy Dick. Raised poor among rich kids, with parents who amassed debt for appearances but not comfort.
    • “My father’s the censor on the Jimmy Kimmel show… my dad sleeps on a mattress on the floor…” [12:33–14:14]
  • Nick: From Westchester, NY, to a suburban, less glamorous—but “rich town”—background. His mom was an alcoholic ice skating teacher; his dad is a theatre historian, co-founder of playbill.com—described as possessing both “gay vibes and horniness.”
    • “If you didn’t know him, you think he was a gay guy. But he’s like a liberal, Long Island kind of scumbaggy guy that loved theater.” [19:11–19:25]
  • Both swap stories about discovering their dads’ porn stashes (gooner dads), broken marriages, and nostalgia for dysfunctional households.
    • “When my mom and I were moving… my dad had a closet… floor to ceiling physical media pornography and a handgun.” [20:23]

5. Addiction, Sobriety & The Struggle of Youth

• [23:35–29:18]
  • Ivy and Nick candidly discuss their experiences with benzodiazepines (Ivy), Adderall (Nick), alcoholism, and the effect on their comedy and self-presentation.
    • “I became an alcoholic.” [24:11]
    • “I used to take like, 160 mg of Adderall. That's too much.” [24:40]
    • Ivy’s infamous benzo withdrawal gig: “I read the entire [Vulture] article on stage, 10 hours in withdrawal from benzos.” [27:16]
  • Stav offers reassurance about making self-destructive mistakes publicly at a young age and the blessing/curse of early recognition.

6. Hair Loss and Body Talk

• [29:18–36:32]
  • The group debates male pattern baldness, wigs, and body image.
    • “Have you tried, like, scooping from the back and pushing over?” [33:18]
  • Nick contemplates shaving his head; the group discourages it.
  • Stav details his own hair journey (“I started going bald early, and then... went buzz cut… at 35, you get a buzz cut, everybody knows what the deal is.” [32:04])
  • Ivy recalls her own hair loss due to anorexia.

7. Friendship, Intimacy, and Boundaries

• [36:32–39:01]
  • Candid questions about whether Stav and Eldis (producer) have explored each other's bodies, led by Ivy’s chaotic curiosity.
  • Eldis and Stav reminisce about living situations, hearing each other have sex, and measuring up (literally).
    • “Do you know we have the same size dick? Which is a real problem for him because he’s 6’5”.” [37:48]
  • Nick talks about post-show hookups, sobriety, and shifting standards with age and experience.

---

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On pill addiction:

  • Ivy: “Falling asleep in my damn soup. Love that fucking feeling.” [01:40]

• On objectification in comedy:

  • Ivy: “They objectified you in that. They see you as just like a chair… They butchered me real fast.” [05:09–05:16]

• On growing up in LA:

  • Ivy: “My father’s the censor on the Jimmy Kimmel show… my dad sleeps on a mattress on the floor…” [12:33–14:14]

• On hair:

  • Stav: “I would love a nice luscious… Have you tried, like, scooping from the back and pushing over?” [33:14–33:18]
  • Nick: “If you didn’t know him, you think he was a gay guy… But he’s like a liberal, Long Island kind of scumbaggy guy that loved theater.” [19:11–19:25]

• On sex & relationships:

  • Ivy: “I got cummed in for the first time ever in my whole life. Not my name.” [06:06]
  • Ivy: “Soon I’m gonna be like a crone.” [07:44]
  • Ivy: “I dream of just being spit roasted and thrown around like a beach ball by my contemporaries. It’s all I want and I'll never have.” [10:02]

---

Listener Advice Calls & Responses

1. Gay Man Frustrated by Condom Use Norms ([51:54–59:16])

• Caller describes a post-Prep world where no one wants to have sex with a condom, but he’s not on Prep and doesn’t want to take extra meds.
  • The hosts riff on fetishizing condom use (“Spin the condom thing into, ‘This is so bad of us. We’re so disgusting. I’m a nasty, fat little condom pig.’” —Ivy [56:18])
  • Nick: “What if he got on an app for people with herpes?” [57:58]
  • General consensus: Lead with your preference, put it in your bio, and screen harder.

2. Bisexual or Lesbian? Tall Woman Unsure ([62:58–68:39])

• Caller is a tall, femme but dominant woman confused by her desires and the energy women assign her.
  • Stav: “You just gotta fuck more girls. It’s pretty straightforward here.” [67:25]
  • Nick: “If you’re like a tall woman, like, lesbians just kind of walk up to you.” [67:03]
  • Ivy: “Everyone wants to get sledded out by a tall bitch.” [67:11]

3. Dealing With an Ambien-addicted, Creepy Coworker ([70:03–75:48])

• Caller’s girlfriend receives midnight messages about her looks from a drugged coworker.
  • Group largely agrees: “She needs to talk to HR.” [72:54]
  • Ivy: “I rewarded this behavior with [sex], so I don’t know what you guys are saying. Really judgmental and mean. I would fuck this guy in a lickety split.” [74:58]

4. Handling Racist Old Ladies in Art Class ([80:05–86:39])

• Caller feels outnumbered in a watercolor class full of casually racist old white women, wonders if speaking up is worth it.
  • Stav: “My way of dealing with this shit is, like, staying friendly but being like, ‘I’m not so sure about that…’” [82:05]
  • Ivy: “Paint them getting their brain splattered in the projects.” [86:33]
  • Theme: Engage politely if you want, but don’t expect to “fix” these people in a class setting.

---

Memorable Moments & Running Jokes

• Ivy’s repeated references to craving being “trafficked” (“I dream of just being spit roasted and thrown around like a beach ball by my contemporaries. It’s all I want and I’ll never have.” [10:02])
• Ongoing jokes about hair, baldness, wigs, and comb-overs.
• Ivy’s interaction with non-binary internet haters: “Somebody threatened to shoot me with a gun in Pittsburgh… and then the next slide is, ‘Please help me stay housed, I’m being evicted in two days.’” [89:39]
• Nick’s “Make a Wish/Kish Dying of Stuttering” bit, reflecting on being a previous caller [51:49–51:54]
• Recurring theme: early success in comedy is both toxic and exhilarating—“I think it’s a problem when people get people paying attention early. For real.” —Stav [27:57]

---

Plugs & Upcoming Shows ([88:27–90:44])

• Nick:
  • Struggle Bus at Life World (Sept 14), Boston (early Sept), North Carolina (following weekend), Madrid Comedy Lab
• Ivy:
  • Bottle Rocket, Pittsburgh (Aug 14), Deep Cuts, Medford, MA (Aug 15), El Cid, Los Angeles (Aug 21)

---

Overall Tone

Irreverent and brutally candid, with moments of surprising empathy. Ivy and Nick’s dark humor and gleeful confessional vibe match Stav’s comedic approach, creating an atmosphere of intimate chaos, self-deprecation, and no-holds-barred honesty.

---

For listeners: This episode dives deep into the realities of young comedians, trauma, addiction, and the weirdness of the standup world—delivered through explicit, raw, and very darkly funny conversation. If you want incisive life advice, cathartic laughter, and to feel less alone in your dysfunction, this one’s for you.

Transcript

[A]

Welcome, Everybody, to Stavi's World. 904-800-stop calling. We'll solve all your problems. On the couch with us today, we got Nick Vilagas.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

Very nice. And Ivy Wolk. Hit that L hard. Hit that L hard. She's not Ivy woke, folks. She's very transgressive. She's very, very, very unwoke ideas. You should have seen the stuff she was saying before we started recording. A lot of slurs. A lot of different ones I hadn't even. I had forgotten about. Thanks for coming, guys.

[C]

Thanks for having us. Dove.

[A]

Yeah. What do we got? We got. You're chewing on some alpha brain. Sure. You got to get primed, ready to go.

[B]

Yeah. I need to be sharp and have really good recall.

[A]

Yeah, I do love that shit. I should. I should work with more. I should get some more chemicals to get my brain firing up.

[B]

Yeah, I have like a whole stack.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What's your stack?

[B]

I do Wellbutrin, obviously.

[A]

Okay, nice.

[B]

Then Finasteride, I take.

[A]

That's hair.

[B]

That's hair. Then I take testosterone support.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Because the finasteride lowers your whole testosterone, not just in your scalp.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

Then obviously, you know, the erection.

[A]

Stuff your dick it. Your dick up.

[B]

Your dick up. Yeah.

[C]

Can you believe, out of the two of us, I was the one that had the pill addiction?

[A]

Yeah, that's true. You just. You. He does have one, but it wasn't as fun. As fun. Yeah, you do.

[C]

He has a stack. Yeah.

[A]

That's a good point, though. What? If we're talking about addiction, you're addicted to having hair and a hard dick.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Ivy was addicted to just feeling. What kind of pills are we talking?

[C]

Benzos, baby.

[A]

Nice. Classics.

[C]

Falling asleep in my damn soup. Love that fucking feeling. There was so many times where Nick would, like, have to come over to my apartment because I would have been in like a 48 hour blockout and we had a show to do and he had to, like, start stir me awake.

[A]

And you thought that was whatever was gonna happen after that would be worth taking to the show? Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

And the returns may be high.

[B]

There was one time right before show, I was on the phone with Ivy's mom and she was like, make her flush the pills.

[A]

Lady. We do a monthly. I'm not. This is not what I signed up for.

[C]

He's my home.

[B]

Little field is waiting.

[C]

He's my healthy.

[A]

That's beautiful.

[B]

Yeah. Ivy's like my dog and like, actually my dog and like my manager and also like Shirley Temple.

[A]

Yes. That makes sense.

[C]

I'm kind of like the JonBenet of our. Of our dynamics.

[A]

That's beautiful.

[B]

And I'm a guy who helps JonBenet.

[C]

You're the lead detective on the case. Please figure it out. Please figure it out.

[A]

I'm like the handyman who and. And killed me. He's still on the loose. How do you guys know each other? You just met doing comedy? Ye.

[B]

Just through standup.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Did we meet at St. Farts?

[B]

No, I. I think we. We. We became friends at St. Mark's Comedy.

[A]

Club called Saint Farts now that's pretty. See what I was talking about? Transgressive. Take that, take that. The church. St. Mark. More like St.

[B]

I think you're looking for Ivy. Woke. We're saying Farts now. No, I think, yeah, we. We met at all. It's of kind gate.

[C]

I think it was a bar, a gay bar in my old neighborhood that I remember. We went there one night with like a whole group of dudes. And I got mad drunk and every guy there started playing female comedian would or would not with their phone. So they were just showing like kind of my female contemporaries on their phones and being like, I would her, but backwards. And it's like you had sex in.

[A]

Years and these are other comics doing that.

[B]

It was like me and Assad.

[C]

Yeah, it was like Assad and like Ethan and Geo.

[A]

But first I was like, oh, that's disgusting. But then thinking of those guys doing it, I'm like, that's pretty cute.

[B]

Like, I would suck the shit out of her ass.

[A]

They still shouldn't do it, but I'm like, boys.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[C]

I kind of was like on, like. I think I had like two blood orange marks. And I was like kind of in like a bit of a fugue state. And I woke up to just like a girl. I know I'm not gonna say her name. And she was on a phone screen and all the guys were kind of doing dialectics about whether or not they would fuck her.

[A]

Interesting.

[C]

And that's when I realized I female comedianed a little too close to the fucking star.

[A]

That's true. There is an hour. You gotta let the. You gotta let. Cause look, that's gonna happen.

[C]

Yeah, right.

[A]

There's no way that's not gonna happen.

[C]

I came to New York under the guise that I was like this like hot young gash, like fresh pussy, fresh meat on the scene, like showing up to the open mic, everybody would want a lick of the clit. And. And then all of a Sudden I'm being let in on, like, the fucking locker room talk. Like, boys talk shit. And I'm like, damn. Like, when the other girls walk by, they go, how do you do, m'? Lady? And then meanwhile, me, they're like, ivy, like, if you had a cock, would you fuck her ass or her cunt first?

[B]

I'm like, yeah, Ivy's a dog.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. Yeah, yeah. I see. They objectified you in that. They see you as just like, a chair.

[C]

They butchered me real fast.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

I got butched real fucking fast. They were like, hey, can you lift in conditioner unit? Like, I'm actually the youngest woman that.

[A]

You've got the shorts for it. I got the shorts for mover.

[C]

I've got. I really. These shorts. My situation ship really did not like these shorts. And we got in, like, a spat about it because I think these shorts are really fucking chic. And he was like. He was like. I was riding my bike the other day, and I was thinking, you could have, like, a 90s movie, Hot Girl transformation.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

I was like.

[A]

I was like, but that's pretty romantic.

[C]

I was like, don't you think I'm hot now? And he went, yeah. A meager. Just kind of squeak out of the throat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. But I would like to announce. Do you have a soundboard? Eldest, do you have a soundboard?

[A]

He's got limited sounds. He'll do his best.

[B]

You have, like, applause.

[A]

We do.

[C]

I would like to announce that last night I got cummed in for the first time ever in my whole life. Not my name.

[A]

Not my name. Wow. How and how. Walk us through that. What was that about?

[C]

I thought that it would feel like a bidet. I thought that it would feel like a bidet where it's kind of like an eruptive splash, but really, it actually didn't feel like much of anything. It was over before it even began.

[A]

Do you think that's because it was a small nut or.

[C]

No, his loads are actually, like, quite robust. Like, technically.

[B]

Isn't the inside of the vagina, like.

[A]

The brain for his loads? Eldest. Eldest. Okay, good, good.

[B]

Just checking there's no feeling on the inside.

[A]

Interesting. Yeah.

[C]

Well, at least not for a girl like me.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm with you.

[C]

Beyond these bars, you don't really feel nice. Yeah.

[A]

Okay. So that's. Congrats. That's a big. That's a big moment.

[C]

Thank you. Yeah. I just got an iud.

[A]

Oh. I.

[C]

So I'm feeling I'm acting brand new.

[A]

Sure. So you did more. Your destructive act outs were pills. Now you're starting with getting nutted in. That's kind of.

[C]

Yeah, but it's. I'm doing it in a healthy way, under the supervision of many doctors.

[A]

You got a whole team.

[B]

He's the same age as you, right? This guy?

[C]

No.

[A]

Yeah. And how old you're. You are? 18. Let's start there before we have to edit all this out.

[C]

I'm 20.

[A]

Okay, great, great, great. And oh, so we're talking about some guy who's what, 48 or what, about.

[C]

10 years less than that?

[B]

I believe he's 39.

[A]

Nice.

[C]

Dude, listen, listen. Age gap, Autumn every day for a girl like me whose precocity is wearing.

[A]

Off by the minute. Oh, you think you have to cash in?

[C]

I have to cash in because pretty soon I'm gonna be like a crone.

[A]

Yeah, that's tough. Cause the 38 year old's probably. Is he the guy who told you you could have the transformation?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, that's.

[C]

So he's referencing the movies of his childhood. He didn't stream that on Netflix. He saw that in theaters.

[A]

You could be like Judy Garland in the wizard of Oz with a little blush. Yeah, yeah. You shave those legs and everything's in color.

[B]

You're in a magical land with a.

[C]

Wizard and no bush and the hair on your asshole.

[A]

Please goes away and wear this wig. So he's looking at this as like a look. I can't get. Look. This is not a. He sees as a car that he's gonna do a little work on and then it becomes a hot rod. You know what I mean? You're like the bones of a Camaro.

[B]

It's more like he found an engine. He's kind of like looking to make it into a car.

[C]

He found a catalytic converter on the streets of Atlanta and he's trying to sell it.

[A]

That's kind of what else. Sell it at a chop shop.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He's like, all right, let's get her to trafficking shape. Let's get her to lure her into the bo. We're not there yet, but we'll.

[C]

No, I'm not chained to a radiator worthy yet, unfortunately. I've been waiting every single day since I was a little girl. All I've wanted is to be just chained to a radiator and whip senselessly. But I wear shorts like this. And so I'm by my lonesome.

[A]

I am getting that from you just in the 15 minutes we've known each other speaking from the like the fantasy of being the like meat on the. On the circuit. It's a very funny thing to be like wanting and looking for and if you want it, it doesn't happen. I think that's how that works.

[C]

Exactly.

[A]

You have to actually be. Because we've all seen it.

[C]

Hashtagbait.

[A]

Yeah, I mean like you have to be like actually trying to be. I actually want to have a career. And then like the worst men of all time will be like, hey, wanna write, you know, the worst fucking guys of all time.

[B]

I'm nice to us.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no. I'm not talking about her. When you like the, the open. When a hot girl comes to open mics and she just like gets. It's. It is like the vultures descending.

[C]

I've witnessed it happen other women. It's absolutely terrifying. And yet I lick my chops for it. Every night when I hit the pillow, I dream of it. I dream of just being spit roasted and thrown around like a beach ball by my contemporaries. It's all I want and I'll never have.

[A]

Sorry man. Yeah. It doesn't look like it's in the cards for you. Where does this. So it sounds like you had a chill childhood. Everything went well.

[B]

She was.

[C]

No, I wasn't. That's why I've craved it so, so.

[B]

Badly because it's like one wanted it too bad.

[C]

Too bad. It's a female experience that I was let out of because I just. I look like a soccer ball from the.

[A]

Okay, I see. So. But something. A couple horrible things happened. Right. Some tragedy, some. When we. When are we talking pills? How did the pills start?

[C]

Pills started. I was. Well, I was kind of like honoring my foremothers by doctor shopping and like lying to doctors. I had a non binary nurse that was giving me the pills. I had some back in Los Angeles. I had like, you know, from the Internet that I was getting them from. I had a dealer I really like.

[B]

Little Pete.

[C]

Little Pete. Shout out.

[A]

Little Pete.

[B]

Little Pete giving her pills.

[C]

Giving me pills. I, I like to sort of, you know, I like to stash so I would have my, my K pins, my zannies and my Adavan, which Adavan doesn't have a colloquialism because I feel like it's kind of a deep cut but.

[A]

Well cuz Addie already's got that market cornered so. Advent. Vannies.

[C]

Vannies maybe that's.

[A]

That's kind of cute.

[C]

It's charming.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Van Jones.

[A]

Yeah. A couple Pop a couple Van Jones. Get real. Right. Really live out.

[C]

But, you know, I like to sort of have my little cocktail like me and my orange bottles posted up in the crib. Just sort of like watching Million Dollar Extreme videos off the. Off the Zans. Like, I was young in 2016, but actually I was really young in 2016, and so I missed all that.

[A]

I see.

[C]

So I recreated it all for myself.

[A]

Oh, this is crazy. You're like a girl that grew up in the 90s that dressed in the. For the 50s.

[C]

Right?

[A]

But you're a girl that grew up in 2020 pretending you grew up in 2016.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Five years. That is fucking nuts. So, wait, so, okay, where did you grow up? Let's. Let's get some basic biographical details of both of you. Obviously, Nick, you know, you know, you clearly understand how this goes. This is your life. You've chosen this dynamic. It's. You know, I will get to you. Don't get me wrong. My guess is I was going to jump in even when it's your turn, but. But let's start with where. Yeah, where'd you grow up?

[C]

I grew up in Los Angeles. California.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Heart of the city.

[A]

Okay. It was your family in the entertainment industry.

[C]

My father's the censor on the Jimmy Kimmel show.

[A]

Wow, I didn't realize you were that thing with that level of Nepo, baby. Any word gets bleeped out. ABC after 11:30am her dad's doing. Yeah. So that's fucking hilarious. Grew up in Lexington to raise a family on that job. Knew he. Oh, okay. Okay. It's coming together. It's coming together.

[C]

EAD was replaced by EBT and mos.

[A]

I see, I see, I see.

[C]

Let's jot that down.

[A]

Hell yeah. Okay. A fellow. Hey, we got. We. Me and Eldis, we would crack your grandmother's food stamps for sure.

[B]

Yeah, we had the food stamps rocking.

[A]

I respect your family for not. My parents like to pretend we weren't poor, so they wouldn't let us get free lunch. Lunch or ebt. But then Eldis, I was like, eldest, uses the EBT for ice cream sandwiches and chicken strips. I was fucking so upset.

[C]

My mother was similar where she wasn't, like, never got on, like, any of the assistance until I was, like, out of the house. And instead, like, we kept up the illusion that we, like, looked nice and had nice things by her racking up just tens of thousands of dollars of credit card debt, like deposit credit cards. And so I always had new clothing. But to what end?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

The question is, to what ends?

[A]

Interesting. Interesting.

[C]

Love her, though. Love you. Queen.

[A]

Single mom in la. And you're like, are you. Are you. Are you, like, you're sit. You're in the city, so are you. And your dad is the sensor for Jimmy Kimmel. Are you around other high powered entertainment children like that?

[C]

Yeah, I grew up around a lot of children. Who.

[A]

Your dad mop the. Your friend's dad was like the guy who mopped the floors at Letterman or that kind of thing?

[C]

No, like, I was friends with people whose parents had actual, like, power and money. And so I was, like, at house parties in high school, like, smoking weed with, like, you know, in ground trampolines and, like, staff and stuff, just thinking, damn, like, if only my dad had, I don't know, got up on his good foot or participated in the dot com boom a little more. Like, we could maybe have something for ourselves. But no, he sleeps on a mattress on the floor in a studio apartment.

[B]

Yeah. Every time I hear a story about Ivy's childhood, it's always like, yeah, I was at, like, Harvey Weinstein's son's bar mitzvah. Mac Dre was there.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, children should not have that upbringing whatsoever. It's crazy.

[C]

It's really haunted. I feel like I have ghosts in my blood.

[A]

Like, this is what happens when you don't get molested. That's crazy. Growing up there and not getting molested is. This is the best case scenario. That's nuts.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What about you? Where'd you grow up?

[B]

Westchester.

[A]

Westchester. Okay. Westchester, New York or Pennsylvania. Okay, nice. So just like a nice suburban New York boy.

[B]

Yeah, it was like a rich town.

[A]

And.

[B]

Yeah. My dad was a writer. My mom was an ice skating teacher.

[A]

Ice skating teacher. Okay.

[C]

And she was an alcoholic, and she was.

[A]

Now, nice. I dated a nice. An alcoholic ice skating Catherine. Yeah, she moved to Baltimore for a while, get her life together.

[C]

She works at Trader Joe's now.

[A]

Oh, no. That sounds cool, though. Yeah. No, this. This girl, she's doing good. She's got a family, you know, she. But she was drunk as hell.

[B]

Did she fall a lot on the ice?

[A]

No, I think she kept that happen. That's awesome. She always has, like, a broken leg. Okay, girl, something. Watch and learn, Trip. You don't think I could do a.

[C]

Triple action falling on the ice?

[A]

That's all she was like.

[B]

Yeah, it was always like, really beginner students, and she was like, yeah, I teach them how to fall.

[A]

Oh, that's smart. I bet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a good. Alcoholics should do that more. It's just be like. I'll be like, oh, I teach them how to eat four burgers at 2am and not get hard. That's the. Just get the other lessons that you get. Your natural alcoholic lessons. Interesting. So was this, like. Was your mom, like, a hot skater for, like, a successful writer? Was she, like, sort of a trophy wife that just kept drinking or.

[B]

Neither one was that successful.

[A]

Okay, nice.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You an only child? You got more.

[B]

Yeah, I've a brother. Older brother.

[A]

Older brother.

[B]

He, like, owns a home, and he's, like, normal.

[C]

He has a child, in a way.

[B]

He has a child.

[A]

That's cute. How's it feel going Uncle Mode?

[B]

Yeah, it feels cool. I actually just saw him before this. He named his son Cosmo.

[A]

Cosmo?

[B]

Yes. That's so, you know, he's, like, doing well. His child is, like, a really stupid name.

[A]

Cosmo's also lives in Brooklyn.

[C]

He was born with a New Yorker subscription.

[A]

Yeah, Cosmo is great. And listen, it means, you know the world in Greek.

[B]

I think that's why they. They named him that.

[A]

Hell yeah. You have.

[C]

You don't have Greek ancestry, do you? Just Italian.

[A]

Oh, interesting.

[B]

Italian and Spanish.

[A]

Ah, I could have seen it. It's all. It's all kind of a. It's all kind of a tan morass.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Around there. Yeah.

[B]

Depending on how Latino they call.

[A]

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I guess. Depending on, like, what level of, like, North African and, like. Yeah, you know, they. They. Because, like, some Spanish people just look black. Like, some Greek people straight up look like Dominicans, where they're like, I'm Greek, and they have, like. They straight up look like. You know, they have, like, curly. They have, like, afros. Right.

[C]

Should we measure each other's skulls next?

[A]

We do have the cat. The calipers are out. Eldest broke that. We tried using eld. El skull was too thick. Albanian skull. We tried to get to his brain, but the skull cracked the caliber.

[B]

So the brains are too big?

[A]

No, they're not too big. It's too thick a skull. It's the. The head looks big. And you think there'd be brain. 85% skull.

[B]

Yeah. My grandpa was from Spain, and there's nothing he would hate more than the idea of people from Spain being black.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

[B]

He moved here and got racist real quick.

[A]

They love. Yeah, they love getting here and getting racist as hell.

[B]

He hated Latino, the whole thing.

[A]

Wow. Even so, they. There was no. Oh, we both speak Spanish.

[B]

No, not at all.

[A]

He was like, I was. If I was around, I'd be conquistadoring your asses, which I do respect. Conist doors. Look, as far as oppressors go, they had the best armor for sure. They had those cool gold helmets, for sure. Pretty sick stuff. And I think they were playing some serious mind games. Cuz they, like, convinced people they were gods and like that.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, the. Yeah, they convinced them that they were like the white Great Birdman or whatever it's called.

[A]

Yeah, that's my people. Yeah. Dude. So what are we talking? A nice little suburban upbringing? Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

We had a pool. It was a shitty pool.

[A]

Still.

[B]

Mom was an alcoholic.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Didn't work that much, but was okay.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. What's Pops writing? What kind of stuff he wrote?

[B]

Theater history.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

He's one of the founders of playbill.com.

[A]

Oh, okay. Yeah, that's pretty cool.

[B]

But he. Yeah, he's like.

[A]

Yeah, to Nick and I, that means a lot. Ye.

[B]

But yeah, he's like a. If you didn't know him, you think he was a gay guy. But he's like a liberal, Long island kind of scumbaggy guy that.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Loved theater.

[A]

Interesting. Well, we say. When you didn't know him, like, does he have gay mannerisms? Yeah. Okay, cool. Yeah, that's a good way to play. I like that though.

[B]

But he's also really horny. You know, like the architect of the European guy who's sort of gay.

[A]

Sort of gay. The arts. His wife's too drunk to realize he's getting head on the sleeve. That kind of thing.

[B]

Precisely.

[A]

I like this. Yes, we have a lot. We have a lot in common. My dad wasn't gay. He definitely seemed straight. But yes, all the definitely. The cheating and the.

[C]

My dad's just a gooner.

[A]

He likes to beat off.

[B]

My dad is a gooner.

[A]

Really? Yeah. Have you ever caught your dad eating off?

[B]

No, but we found. When we were moving out of my childhood home, we found these boxes and boxes of like, Pop Shot, like vhs.

[A]

Oh, respect. Awesome.

[B]

Cum Shot compilations.

[A]

Cum Shot compilations. Shout Out.

[B]

My dad, by the way, he's a public figure.

[C]

When my mom and I were moving out of, like my childhood apartment, my dad had a closet in their bedroom that in the 12 years that they had like been separated, he hadn't come back to clean out. And my mom finally opens it when we're moving out floor to ceiling physical media pornography and a handgun.

[A]

Hell yeah. That's awesome.

[B]

Him, he was like the My Fair lady soundtrack. Boxes of vehicles and then like the.

[A]

Numbers of Widowed women in the neighborhood. Yeah, exactly. Inch. Okay, so you. But you've never. You didn't catch. You just found his gooning stash.

[C]

Yeah, but I never caught my dad. He wasn't in the home that much.

[A]

He wasn't around enough.

[C]

I wasn't really. I wasn't really catching him slipping because there was no catch to be had.

[A]

How old were you when he went to move to a studio apartment to focus on bleeping out?

[B]

Wasn't he friends with like Cato Kaelyn?

[C]

No. I've described my dad as a Cato Kaelyn type.

[A]

Interesting.

[C]

So my dad's friends when I was a child were like Andy Dick and like guys like that. So those. That was sort of his circle that I had to sort of grow up under the tutelage of which it's really.

[A]

Funny to not be a comedian, but socially be around them. That's a pathetic thing. Yeah.

[C]

He's never been more interested.

[A]

Hey. Hey. Hey. The fuck?

[C]

It's okay, Aldous.

[A]

Better word. You're at work right now. You guys are right.

[C]

Thanks.

[A]

You have a lot of friends. It's really pathetic to be support staff for a successful comedian show. And all your friends accidentally become fucking comedians. You know what doesn't belong in your epic summer plans? Getting burned by your old wireless bill. So here's what I'm going to tell you to do. If you want to get coverage speed you're used to, but for way less money. Well, my friends, what you need to know is that Mint mobile is offering three months of unlimited premium wireless service for 15 bucks a month. So while your friends are sweating over data, overjoys and surprise charges, you'll be chilling, literally. And financially, we love Mint Mobile. We use it here for the Stavie Baby Enterprises business line. It's been incredible to use. Very easy to switch over from a competing dog shit carrier. I don't know if we're supposed to badmouth the competition, but it was very easy to switch over either way, I'll tell you that much. And you could use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with all your existing contacts, Ditch overpriced wireless and get three months of unlimited service from Mint Mobile for 15 bucks a month. This year, skip breaking a sweat and breaking the bank, get this new customer offer and your three month unlimited wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.comstavi that's mintmobile.com Starvi upfront payment of $45 required equivalent to $15 a month limited time. New customer offer for first three months only. Speeds may slow above 35 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details.

[C]

My dad has never been more interested in, like, my personhood than now that I'm, like, finding success in standing.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, this is the most straightforward psychological of all time, which is like, let's get dad to pay attention to me. The only thing he ever paid attention.

[C]

To talk about my comedy.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Was to jack off to in comedy. So why not combine the two and do pussy jokes?

[C]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

Some nice Freudian stuff we got here.

[C]

Yeah, it's real delicious.

[A]

Yeah. Do you. How about let's. Okay, let's get Freudian with you anyway. Any alcoholic women you've tried to fix in your life? Yeah, I became.

[B]

I became an alcoholic.

[A]

Okay, nice.

[B]

I've been sober for a few years.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah. And I was in. I was really into Adderall. I know that that doesn't sound that bad, but.

[A]

No, no, I can't choose.

[C]

All over his foot.

[B]

Yeah, I used to take Adderall.

[A]

Oh, no. I mean, that's crazy.

[C]

Honey, flash that to the camera.

[A]

Camera.

[C]

Oh, yeah, there you go. The bottoms of your feet are, like, stark yellow.

[A]

Those are freakishly long.

[B]

I used to walk around with no shoes a lot.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

But, yeah, I would take, like, 160 milligrams of Adderall.

[A]

That's too much.

[B]

Pretty. Normally, I used to have. I. I stutter. I have a speech impediment.

[A]

What? Holy.

[B]

I used to have. I used to have, like, a normal one. I used to have, like, a Porky Pig one.

[A]

Oh, hell.

[B]

But now I have, like, this thing that's really specifically annoying to have on a podcast.

[A]

I'll have you. No, you're fine. I'm with you. You're totally fine. Porky the Pig would be funny, though.

[B]

That's what I was like when I was a kid.

[A]

Yeah. I used to. Oh, that's funny, Mom. Until like, nine, it was probably. Oh, yeah, Mama, I'm a little late for school again. Sorry.

[C]

He's back in the hole.

[B]

I start crying. Stutter, revers.

[A]

You just don't say anything the whole rest of the fucking episode. Okay. Yeah, I mean, Adderall, definitely. It is straight up meth. And I did. I like it as well. I just am. I'm so. I am so, like. Like, it affects me so much that I just can't sleep, even if I've had, like, 10 milligrams. But the feeling, the first.

[B]

The Chill.

[A]

The first hour that Adderall hits.

[C]

I'm such a downer's girl. I really can't relate to this at all.

[A]

See, my problem is I like both. And there's a classic.

[C]

But that makes you middle of the road, which is normal. And you're totally normal and fine.

[B]

Doing alcohol and Aderall felt so good.

[C]

Oh my God, he's hard.

[A]

No, I know exactly what you mean. For me, it was Aderall and weed. Cuz it's like it would take. It would take away the. All the bad of each one. They kind of mellow it out. So when you hit it just right, you felt awesome.

[C]

Have you ever tried 3 Adavan, 2 Benadryl, a hydroxyzine and a glass of white wine?

[A]

I've never tried that.

[B]

And then an alternative comedy show.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then a show with some rambling, not a lot of punchlines, you know.

[C]

You know, I've done that. You know, I've done that on the world stages.

[A]

Hey, listen.

[B]

And then like I'm in the background.

[C]

And I'm like, please, the light went.

[A]

On 10 minutes ago. You've used your phone, you've used a flashlight you found.

[C]

Yeah, at this point there's.

[B]

I text my friend in the audience.

[A]

Yeah, you text radio and just fake a medical emergency, pretend to be having a seizure.

[C]

And I have to be like, is this bitch having a seizure? Doing my set.

[B]

The night that the. The night where we flushed the Xanax down the toilet, Ivy read an entire Vulture article.

[A]

Oh, nice.

[B]

About her on stage.

[C]

Vulture published a hit piece on me called why Do People Hate this Minor Character actress from Enora.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And I read the entire thing on stage. Like 10 hours in withdrawal from benzos. And then Jordan Jensen said I seemed like I was playing up my autism.

[A]

Oh, okay. I remember this. Jordan told me about this. That was you. Ok?

[C]

She'll never forgive me. I met her that one night.

[A]

It was a horrible impression.

[C]

I was like 80 pounds. My skin was peeling off my body in sheets. I was balding. Like, I was so. The withdrawals were so nasty. I was like literally 10 hours in withdrawal. And I tried to be so regular around Jordan because I'm such a big fan of hers.

[B]

Yeah, she really failed.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you definitely blew it in a major way, but that's all right. You'll be fine. Fine. That's it. The problem is like, you're like no one. Like what a 20 year old thinks no one should get. No one should find out about that. You know what I mean? Like. Like, you're. You should be. Like, you got successful in a way that I actually am. Like, I don't envy. I think it's a problem when people get people paying attention early. For real. I'm serious. No, like, I like that. It's like. Like, I. Like I was just in basements where no one gave a. Until I was like, 27. I get 20. I was dumb as hell. So it's like, you're gonna. You're going through a lot of bullshit right now. And the fact that you're like, stop doing pills through this. And, yeah, you're gonna do some dumb shit, like read an article and embarrass yourself in front of somebody you look up to. Sure. But you will going, like, in a couple years.

[C]

Eight months ago. I'm really giving you now. A lot can change in eight months, Dobros.

[A]

It actually can. That's a huge percentage of your life. Eight months is like.

[C]

It's a lot. I haven't had that many.

[A]

You actually truly haven't. It's fucked up. But you'll be. You'll be. It's just like, you're just gonna make a lot of dumbass mistakes for the next couple years, but you'll. You're gonna be better off for it at 25. You'll be kind of. You'll level out, whatever, you know, you'll get a regular haircut. Everything will be good. He's gonna be all right.

[C]

If only I could, like, take my bangs and put it on the top of your head.

[A]

We would make one good piece of hair. We would make one good hairstyle.

[C]

Between us, we would make one beautiful, big woman.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, my God. Just the best secretary in an elementary school you've ever seen in your life.

[B]

Get bangs.

[A]

I need the top. I need this part of your hair for sure.

[C]

But then what do I get a chance at a normal life?

[A]

You get the beautiful curls of the back.

[C]

I don't know if I want them.

[B]

She's on her way there. Losing your hair?

[C]

No.

[A]

I was.

[C]

Back when I was anorexic. Yes. Was I balding in the temples? Absolutely. Has it largely grown back? I would say so.

[A]

Nice. Good for you.

[C]

Thank you. Thank you.

[A]

Yeah, we're big fans of not balding due to malnutrition around here.

[C]

I'm a big fan of it as well. I've grown into loving it.

[A]

Love it. Hell, yeah.

[C]

I was ready to be bald and 60 pounds and just, like, aimlessly padding down the street. I was about to love that life.

[B]

Yeah, you're doing the opposite.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

You're trying to eat more, to regrow your hair.

[A]

I'm getting every fucking vitamin you tell me. I'm getting 1000% of all of it.

[C]

When did you start losing your hair? Hair?

[A]

Young. Honestly. Honestly, when I was like 20.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

And I went buzz cut. I went buzz cut. Which I think at the time was a good move because no one had, like, the. No one would go buzz. And you couldn't tell I was balding at a buzz at that time. And now I switch. Because now at 35.

[B]

Writing this down.

[A]

Yeah. Once you're ready to start, you know, to have. Stop having a soft dick for finasteride reasons. Just for aging reasons. It does look good. It does look really good. Yeah, Real. The hairline.

[B]

I'm not getting so much.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. No, like, don't get me wrong. It's like, it's. You're. It's like barely good hair, but it is good.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

No, but you know what I mean? It's like it counts as good. I'm not like that.

[B]

I am about to shave my head.

[A]

Oh, really? Why?

[C]

Please, why?

[A]

No, for real. The hair's good.

[B]

I like it. I don't know.

[A]

And also, you want to do it as a look. If you want to do it as a look.

[C]

Your head is triangular.

[A]

No, dude, you don't have to. You don't have to shave your.

[B]

I look like an ice cream cone when I shave my head.

[A]

Yeah, you do seem like you have a very.

[C]

Just like it sort of slopes down.

[A]

Yeah. No, no, no, you don't. I don't think you should do that. For real. You have good hair. It's also hot as shit in here. You fucking get a comb. You get comb that nice. You'll be fine.

[B]

I am so sweaty at this point.

[A]

Yeah, no, we're. We're so bad.

[C]

Is it just for sound purposes that there can be no ac?

[A]

Yeah, the AC Eldis is too bad at his job to learn how to get AC out of production.

[B]

We've all not install an H Vac in here. I'll begin BL black mold.

[A]

If I open these.

[B]

This building's walls up.

[A]

But yeah, I started going bald early, and then it was like. But it felt good to get ahead of it. And then it's like, nah, I just feel like in your mid-30s, when you get a buzz cut, everybody knows what the deal is. Yeah.

[B]

And I don't want to do hats.

[C]

Yeah, no, please don't be a hat guy. I know so many hat guys.

[A]

I've actually. I stayed away from hats because I was like, I will not. I will face this head on. I will not be a cow. But now that I think I've proven I have no problem being very publicly bald. Like, the years I was on TV the most in my life, the years I was the most photographed, I was the fattest and the baldest. It's like the exact opposite.

[C]

Like, six months ago.

[A]

That was literally a year and a half ago. Yes, I was like 350. And just like. So I felt like I was. I was like, Jesus Christ. Like, the fact that I can look at a picture now and be like, jesus, bad song. You know what I mean? Like, and. But now I feel like I've been publicly bold enough. I don't feel like it's a cop out to wear a hat. I've. I've gone back, everyone. I'm not hiding. No, I'm not gonna take my hat off and someone's gonna be like, what the hell? I mean, when you have. When you already have dumb long hair like this, it's like. It's not. It wouldn't even be good if I took the hat off.

[C]

I am confused as to how it grows in the back, but not up top or front.

[A]

You and me both, sister. You and me both. I would love a nice luscious. Luscious.

[C]

Have you tried, like, maybe scooping from the back and pushing over?

[A]

Yeah, I've thought about going comb over for. That would be pretty funny.

[B]

Oh, crazy.

[A]

I think there will be an era of my life where I go 70s comb over. I have a lot of ideas.

[C]

When you start fucking girls that are 13.

[A]

Well, I don't know about 13, but what if I'm kind of like a your boyfriend situation? Give me three more years. You know, I'll be kind of doing that.

[B]

It'd be so funny for you to pretend you got a hair transplant.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And just have a really ugly look.

[A]

That would be funny.

[C]

You should start wearing wigs. Why don't you wear wigs?

[A]

Wigs, Wigs. I'm definitely gonna go wigs. At some point you just gotta weave.

[C]

So right now there's nothing to sew it to.

[A]

Actually, you could probably figure it out. We've got a really great. We got really great technicians.

[C]

Lace front, glue down.

[A]

Yeah, I could do that one where the. They shave this and they give you, like, pay on top, a really expensive toupee. Basically. I'll walk you Guys through it, because I've thought about this a lot. I gotta get the pony a little longer, and I gotta have a really nice bald pony for about one season. You know, like, it's pretty close. I. I thought I had it last summer, and I had to cut my hair.

[C]

Why'd you have to cut it?

[A]

I was. I would play, like. I played a role where it made no sense. Sense to have dumb long hair like this. I. And I. I fought too. I was like, come on, come on, it's okay.

[C]

They've made me shave my armpits on a bunch of things.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. You get. You absolutely get it. We both had to betray who we really were for. For art. But I'm gonna go bald pony. Classic bald pony kind of right in the middle of my back. And then I might dye it blonde. Yes. Yeah. And then I'll. And then I will cut it shortest. Hell, have like a little Tony Soprano situation. And then I will go wigs for a while.

[B]

That is so smart.

[A]

Thank you, man. Thank you. I think that.

[B]

I think you should be able to dye your hair in your 30s. And it's not a cry for help.

[A]

Or anything like that. It's been planned for a while. Right. I just have to get the big long pony for a while. You know, I also have a big dream to play an 80s action guy with a bald pony. So that's why I kind of want to. To, like, have a proof of concept.

[C]

Like a Steven Seagal type thing.

[A]

Exactly, exactly. Seagal is a big inspiration of mine in many ways, and so I want to have that going.

[C]

I've always said that you were a little Asian.

[A]

Thank you. Yeah.

[B]

Every time I see him, I'm like, I wish you were more bald.

[A]

I know what you mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wish you just let it go a little more. I wish he was fatter and had even less martial arts knowledge.

[C]

Has a good, solid hairline.

[A]

He does. He does.

[B]

Yeah. Thank you. Thank you.

[A]

Eldest has been blessed with a lot genetically, and, you know, it's because he could never stand what the. The burdens I live with.

[B]

Eldest crumble skull don't sound so bad now, does it?

[A]

You're. You would be so. If you were five' seven and bald, your life would be horrible.

[B]

Nah, I'd be all right. My life is horrible still, though.

[A]

So it's all you.

[B]

That much I know.

[A]

It'd be worse. I'd be like, look, Eldis, I can't have a guy looks exactly like me hanging around, man. It's bad for the vibes of the company.

[C]

It would be cute. It'll be like Tweedle D and Twitter.

[A]

No, we actually. Yeah, that actually would be.

[B]

I mean, you're not far off.

[A]

Well, I'm. I'm.

[B]

I'm felt, you know, completely different.

[A]

You're not fat at all. So true.

[C]

I have a question. Have you guys, like, ever explored each other's bodies?

[A]

No, we have not.

[C]

You've never done no gay on each other.

[B]

But. What? Sorry. We've shown our dicks to each other.

[A]

That's cool.

[C]

Jacked off in the same room. Room?

[A]

No, not same room. No, not that interested in that. Doesn't sound cool to me. Yeah, sorry.

[C]

It's never too late to start.

[A]

I think it's over.

[B]

We've, like, heard each other.

[A]

Yeah, we were roommates in this. We were roommates in this house.

[B]

Have you ever heard each other jack off? No.

[C]

Is it always that loud?

[A]

Yeah, I don't really. I don't think it's. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, we've definitely. We def. There were. There were years where I knew El. This is exact bpm. Like, we lived in this apartment with a bunch of other people. So whenever anybody fucked, you could really.

[C]

Is he a slow stroker? How he do it?

[A]

Oh, no, Eldest is fucking. He has no endurance. Yeah, Anxious, off rhythm and fast.

[C]

I just felt my IUD shift. It just punctured my liver.

[A]

Well, it punctured the very opening of your vagina. I don't know about your liver. I think that's as far as eldest could possibly get there. Yeah, that's.

[B]

Who's bigger.

[A]

Do you know we have the same size dick? Which is a real problem for him because he's 6 5?

[B]

That's where this. I like you.

[C]

Like a brother to me.

[A]

Thanks, guys. Thanks for backing me up here. I did.

[B]

I did hear ST get sucked off once when we were on tour.

[A]

We were in an Airbnb in the rooms. Didn't have. My room. Didn't have like a. It was like a fake room, so the ceiling.

[C]

Oh, like a loft type thing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I had to retreat to, like, my room for the evening with like, two bottles of water. Just.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Not be around. There was, you know, lay back and smile.

[A]

There's some Airbnbs where it's like, all right, I'll just get. Get your snacks. Get, you know, use the bathroom because I'm going.

[B]

Let me just grab a yogurt, a protein bar and a banana for the night.

[A]

A towel. That is true. That is true. So you got a pretty. Yeah, That. I guess that's the most intimate. That's we. You, I guess, technically breathed the air that I was getting sucked off. Yeah. I have a question, staff, please.

[B]

How do you meet women after shows?

[A]

Usually just through the Internet, through, like, a DM situation or something.

[B]

So, like, they DM you. You DM them?

[A]

They'll DM me. Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Then you're like, meet me at the hotel room.

[A]

You meet at bar. Yeah, I used to. I used to, like, go out for, like, when I was, like, partying more after shows, I would just, like, go hang out and whatever, you know, just try and have a good time. But, like, it just is fucking annoying now to, like, try. And I'm also trying to be. So. I was trying to be sober on the road, and so just going out to bar, and then you would just inevitably be out too late. So it's kind of become a. Or like, somebody will DM you ahead of time and you'll strike up an actual conversation. But I also. I will fuck. Like, at first, it's, like, so cool that anybody wants to fuck you. You're like, yes, just. But now I'm just like, unless somebody's really give a fuck. I really, unfortunately have gotten. You know, I am getting older where.

[C]

I'm like, I wish I had the privilege of not being totally mystified by the prospect of sex. It to me, actually is like, if somebody wants to fuck me, I'm like, okay, so basically you're going to me and gut me and leave me in the alley. Like, to me, it's truly frightening.

[A]

The one time. Yeah. What the fuck is going on here?

[B]

Me and IV both, like, leave our bodies during sex, but she doesn't have any, and I have way too much.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah. Basically, that's like, we're kind of each other's yin. And.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But now I have a girlfriend, so I don't do that.

[C]

And I'm in a situationship with an older man, and he did come inside of me, so we're all growing and learning.

[B]

So I was married.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, that's true.

[C]

The one time I had sex with somebody after a show who, like, approached me after a show. It was like, this really hot guy who was like, an ex male model model who used to be gay, but swears he isn't anymore after his boyfriend died of a fentanyl overdose.

[A]

That was God telling him, don't be gay.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Thunderbolt on his boyfriend.

[C]

And then he turned out to be like a. And a stalker. And multiple women have restraining Orders out against him because he called them across multiple states. So that's kind of. Who wants a bite of the cookie after I get off stage. It's not really, like, a comedy club waitress who's, like, trying to make a name for herself in a small town.

[A]

Sure, sure.

[C]

I'm not really.

[A]

I never. The waitress, by the way, I'm not.

[C]

Really at, like, the Boner Hut Chuckle Factory, like, in Toledo. Kind of getting.

[A]

Love to see you do some time at a Toledo comedy club. I would love to watch that. That is tough. Those places are brutal.

[C]

I don't think it would go. I mean, even Atlanta didn't take kindly to me.

[A]

Where'd you go? Where were you in Atlanta?

[C]

I went up at the Laughing Skull Lounge, and I came out on stage. It was the day the Playboy Cardi album came out. And I went, y', all, this new Playboy Cardi got me filmed, like, and. And then it was silent in the room. And I said, do you guys know who Playboi Cardi is? But it's his hometown. I thought it would be a hometown hero thing.

[A]

Hey, you got me an eldest. That was a good opening line.

[B]

Ivy did the. The Comedy Attic. And after the weekend, she was like, people in Indiana, they don't really laugh.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She was like, they're not people in Indiana.

[A]

They're not laughing. A lot of America is kind of not big laughers.

[C]

A lot of manh in Brooklyn.

[A]

For.

[B]

Some reason, the only people that laugh. It's like Union hall.

[A]

When I've posted a story about the show, you know, this summer, I've tried to get in tune with my body. You know, I've been experimenting. I've been dabbling. One of the greatest experiments that I've conducted has been with mud water. That. That's right. I've cut out other sources of caffeine. Mud water is an incredible little blend of cacao chai, turmeric, and adaptogenic mushrooms to help you feel focused without the crash. And I drink it iced. I'm an iced coffee boy. I'm an iced tea boy. I'm an iced mud water boy. That's right. You just mix it with cold water or milk. I'm a water guy, okay? I like to start my days. Little peek behind the curtain. I haven't been eating early in the morning. I've just been slurping sustenance from my delicious mud water. And I've been ready to go. Every single ingredient in mud water is there for a purpose, okay? It ain't now, look, I hear mushrooms I'm like, nice. And though they aren't nice in the way you might think they are, they're nice in the way that they give you sustained mother freaking energy. Okay? Do you understand that? I'm feeling awake, I'm feeling ready to go. No crashes, no spikes from coffee. Like I said, we got cacao, we got chai for a hint of caffeine, just a little bit, just a little smooch. And a hot chocolate like flavor, which I like. I'm a little chocolate boy. And then we got lion's mane for focus. Nice. We got cordyceps to promote natural energy. Nice. And both Chaga and Reishi to support a healthy immune system. Nice. I have been healthier. Have been. Look, this isn't scientific. I'm just telling you as I've been drinking, I've been feeling better about it. I've cut out energy drinks, caffeinated sodas, coffees, all that kind of. I usually get that for a little pep in my step. I've actually, I've replaced that with mud water ever since they came on as a sponsor and I've been been loving it. Ready to make the switch to cleaner energy. Head to mudwatermudwtr.com and grab your starter kit today. Right now, our listeners get an exclusive deal. Up to 43% off your entire order, plus free shipping and a free rechargeable frother when you use Code Stavi. That's right. Up to 43% off with code Stavi at M U D W T R dot com. After your purchase, they'll ask how you found them. Please show your support and let them know we sent you. Keep your energy natural and refreshing all year long with mud water because life's too short for anything less than clean, delicious energy. That is so, so true. Interesting. And then what's your. You were just. When you were just out sucking and a bunch.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You were just what because you were drunk? You were just at bars or what are we talking?

[B]

No, this was like kind of after I was sober, kind of still trying to fill the hole.

[A]

Of course. That's really what it is.

[B]

Yeah. With people with septum piercings.

[C]

Fans of mine.

[A]

Oh, that's actually. Oh, I see what's going on. That actually is. Hey, you want to do like, hey, maybe we do a one off. I. What do you say maybe we a one off?

[B]

Throw a photo of me on your story.

[A]

Yeah. Make sure to post about me. Oh, interesting. That actually makes a lot of sense.

[B]

Show at the Pratt Institute. Yeah, maybe I open you're doing your.

[C]

Hour at Parsons School of Design.

[B]

One time. One time. A fan of Ivy's came over to my apartment and she had a self harm wound.

[A]

Oh no, dude, not a.

[B]

Not a scar.

[A]

Not the scar wound.

[C]

That's my girl.

[A]

Oh God.

[C]

That's my girl. And you know, she don't play about me. And you're like, the day she kills herself or succumbs to anorexia, she's gonna be screaming my name in the streets. Okay. My fans don't give up on a like me.

[A]

That's right. And Nick was like, all right, well listen, I have a couple bandages we got. We're gonna get the peroxide.

[B]

I was like, let's never see each other after like maybe an hour.

[A]

Give us 30 minutes from now. I am gonna be like, what the hell was that about? I'm gonna unfollow.

[B]

I'll check the story sometimes.

[C]

Once your blood drips from your thigh.

[A]

Onto the bridge of my nose. Beautiful. What a beautiful. What Youth is so beautiful.

[C]

He's gonna be 30 soon.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. The tail end of youth is so beautiful. That was. I. You know, that was my. That was exact. I mean that's. It's very. It's a rested development for sure. Because I was. That's the same for me. Like, I mean I still sort of. Now it's. I'm like, what am I doing?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Lightly, I guess just because I just. Cuz I just haven't lived anywhere in a while. So it's like it's kind of hard to. Not when you. To have anything serious, you know. And also just your old habits die hard, you know, Just like. This is nice, right? Yeah.

[B]

There's never been a. A comedian who's in a relationship. You know what I mean?

[A]

It's never. It's never.

[B]

It's never happened.

[C]

I've never met one ever.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

No, but it's awesome.

[A]

It is also. That's the other part is that it's awesome.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It is cool to see new titties. That's kind of one of my favorite parts of life.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I feel like one of the. Also love is important too.

[B]

One of the reasons I had to stop is I kept thinking it meant I was successful. It. Comedy.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Do you know what I mean? I was sleeping with women.

[A]

That's different. I mean, that's insane. That's just a different problem. Yeah, no, for me it was like the hole for me is so clearly like, oh, five girls. I wasn't a loser when I Was a child. You know what I mean?

[B]

My penis was hard every time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

If I sleep with enough women.

[A]

That's. We're not. I have no. That is not something that factors into my cat.

[C]

Do you not have boner issues?

[A]

I do. I'm saying I do so much that that doesn't matter. Oh, I just say my dick's hard. Maybe half the time lucky. You know what I mean?

[B]

I just want to say hearing this is hearing you talk about not getting an erection early in my life, it was like. It changed my life. It was like I felt like this.

[A]

Means a lot because I've heard from a lot of fat boys, but about, like, you talking about being fat and getting pushed has been important for me, but I've never heard about a healthy man. Talking about was, like.

[B]

It felt like gender euphoria. Like, you're talking about.

[A]

Yeah, dude.

[B]

You don't even wore a dress for the first time.

[A]

Yeah, dude, I'm your Eddie. I'm your not getting hard Eddie Izzard.

[C]

You put the wig on.

[A]

I'm not alone.

[B]

My whole life makes sense.

[A]

Well, look, I don't think we've ever had two more qualified people to give advice on the podcast, so, you know, I think it's time.

[C]

We are actually really wise, both of us.

[A]

I. I believe it. And let's find out about it right now. Okay.

[B]

I have one more thing I want to say.

[A]

Please.

[B]

Kind of gay.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

I've called into this show before, and you've answered my question.

[C]

Longest phone call ever.

[B]

Yeah, it's one with a lot of long breaks.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

No, it was. It was about my. I said, my friend's a comedian, and he keeps talking about wanting to fuck my girlfriend.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

It was a. On the. The Carmen lynch episode.

[A]

Oh, holy.

[B]

I didn't say that I was a comedian because I thought you would never answer the question.

[A]

Yeah, you're probably right. You're absolutely right.

[C]

How far we've come.

[A]

That's beautiful.

[B]

You answered the question like, you're a. You're a huge.

[A]

Really? And we were right.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

Did it help at all?

[B]

Well, I was just like, hey, can you stop doing that? And then I felt gay. But he did stop. But now it's sort of weird between us.

[A]

Well, no, he is a piece of shit, though, too. It's also, like, bizarre to, like. Yeah, I mean, I think you are a. For not being like, shut the fuck up, dude. The fuck are you?

[B]

But it's just so gay to, like, say to your friend, like, hey, man. Like, that's not fun.

[A]

No, it's not. Here's the thing. It's not, though. That's the other thing comedians have a problem with is, like, we don't have some weird invisibility cloak or like, some kind of, like, Mario star for not for, like, being a human being. If some. If you weren't a comedian and some guy at your own office was talking about wanting to.

[B]

I feel like I'm on a call right now. I called in and you're answering my call.

[A]

But, like, I do. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's. It's the truth where I'm like, come. Like, it's. It's a big problem. Where it's like, no, man. We're just. In fact, we're less important than regular people.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Bigger pieces of who. Like, I give less the benefit of the doubt. Like, if some guy just made a little offhand comment, I bet you that guy does want to. Your girlfriend.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[B]

He would not be able to.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. And that's important. And it's just like, shut the fuck up. And if he's not able to, then you remind him of that. If he wants to play that game, then it's like, all right, time to fuck you up. Right. You know what I mean?

[B]

If he was like, hey, man, I won't fuck your girlfriend. I was like, you're a worm.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. For real. You're a piece of shit. You couldn't fuck. Are you out of your mind? Which is good. That's good to feel that way, because it's worse to be like, he could fuck my girlfriend and live in fear. You know what I mean?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That. That could possibly happen. Anyway, this is.

[B]

This is the first and, Lord willing, the last time a caller sits.

[A]

That was very vulnerable for me to admit. I respect that.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

This will probably not happen to you, but keep calling in, folks. But thanks for calling in, actually. That was awesome. That was a good call.

[B]

I won a contest. That's how I'm here.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Make a wish.

[B]

That's amazing. Kish dying of stuttering.

[D]

Hey, St. Love the podcast. I found you through Caleb Heron.

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[D]

Anyways, I listen every Monday now. Anyways, I'm calling because I'm gay. I'm in an open relationship with my boyfriend.

[A]

Nice.

[D]

He totally allows me to see whoever I want sexually.

[A]

Nice.

[D]

However, I live in D.C. and. And you probably know that a lot of gay men have the stereotype of being pretty promiscuous. We have stereo new medicine called PrEP. It's like, that's not that new anymore, but it prevents hiv. And you know, we also have doxy pep, which is just antibiotics gays take after having unprotected sex to get to prevent the rest of the STDs.

[A]

It's just a PS plan B for not getting.

[D]

I'm not on either of those, nor do I intend to get on on those. However, I would like to have more fun outside my relationship. But I'm having a really hard time finding partners on the apps that are willing to have sex with a condom. It's gotten to the point where I've.

[A]

Had plans to meet up with. What the. I'll just be like, nah, we're not. What am I a.

[B]

And why won't he just take the pill?

[C]

Cuz that's gay.

[A]

Yeah. I don't know. That's. That's also a good question. But also you can get other than aids. Like, I don't just get.

[C]

You know, like, it's like how when everybody gets the flu nowadays, they think it's Covid and it's like other stuff still exists.

[A]

It's still out there. You could still. You could. I don't think it's a crazy idea to put a condom on when you a complete stranger. But anyway, sorry.

[D]

It's gotten to the point where I've had plans to meet up with multiple guys and I. I'm verse. You know, and meet up with multiple guys and they've canceled because they found out that I prefer to use condoms.

[A]

How did they find?

[B]

Yeah, it's crazy to have to say you want to use a condom before you meet up with somebody.

[A]

That's awesome.

[B]

Like, he doesn't want to bring it up on the date and make it awkward.

[A]

Yeah. Like he has herpes. He's like, look, this is weird, but I like to wear condoms.

[D]

Like, what advice do you have on this? It's really wild. And I just. I'm at the. I'm at the point where I'm just like extremely frustrated. I feel like this was never a problem when I was growing up. I'm 35. But now, like, nobody's willing to wear a condom when they're in sex.

[A]

And this is crazy.

[B]

16. No one work on me.

[D]

I'm not willing to take a medicine medicine. I just wouldn't be willing to have sex without a condom anyway.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

So I'd appreciate any advice you can give me. And you know, maybe I should just have some patience. But it's been a few months Since I've had any kind of action besides my boyfriend, which is great again. But my boy.

[A]

I love gay guys. Right. Truly.

[D]

Anyways, Respect.

[A]

Salute, man.

[D]

Appreciate your advice. Thanks.

[B]

Yeah, this is like. It's like speaking to like an immigrant from another culture. I just have no idea.

[C]

I understand gay guys really well. They kind of flock to me.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Sort of naturally. Because they think I'm like always on the brink of death and they want to idolize me before I pass.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

I understand to this man. Okay. So his. His problem is other gays don't want to do condom sex because. But he won't get on the medication, the preventative medication.

[A]

I think the medic. I don't think the met. He's saying medication or not he would wear condoms. Right. He's just explaining to us straights why everyone's raw dogging. He's basically saying since the advent of Prep raw dogging his sky, so he's now living in a post prep anti condom gay sex world. But he is still a condom guy. And basically he's. It really boils down to how do I get people to wear condoms while fucking me?

[C]

I have a suggestion.

[B]

I also have a suggestion.

[C]

Please allow me.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So gay guys are dirty dogs. We know this, right? And they're fetishists and they love to make anything kind of dirty and nasty in order to it.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Why don't you spin the condom thing into like. This is so bad of us. This is so disgusting of us. We're so disgusting. I'm a nasty, fat little condom pig.

[A]

I'll drink the con. I'll drink the. There are.

[C]

There are gay guys called bug chasers who are guys that seek out hiv. So there's something in the gay community for everybody. Why don't you spin it so that the condom is like the dirty, nasty kind of prophylactic tool and so that it's just another kind of sexual instrument or additive that can make the entire sexual experience dirtier, nastier, harder, raw, Gayer, Sweatier, etc.

[A]

I think you're onto something. I think the pro. I think he has to make it very. He has to really focus on the condom. I think he has to invent a new fetish that's drinking jizz out of the condom. That's good because I think as a. As an abstract thought, the condom being a fetish doesn't quite work because at the end of the day, it still feels better to fuck someone's ass without a condom on. And you need to make wait a Minute.

[B]

But he said he's versed, right.

[A]

You know, I know. I've done a little experimentation my day.

[C]

With guys?

[A]

No, with women. I fucked women in the ass. Yeah. Yeah. Women have. Women have asses too.

[C]

I totally forgot. I've been shitting out of my cunt for years.

[A]

You gets really bad for it. You gotta stop doing that.

[C]

Damn. That's why I'm itchy.

[A]

You gotta stop shitting out of your pussy. So I would. I think, yeah, maybe be like, I'm a jizz. I love a big jizz smoothie coming out of that Trojan or something like that. That's. But I like where your head's at. That's fun. Spitting it. Nick, what do you got?

[B]

He said that he's verse. Right. So that means that he can't even find someone who wants to get with a condom.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Right.

[A]

That's crazy.

[B]

That's weird, right? What if he got on like a her? Like an app for people with herpes.

[A]

Oh, interesting.

[B]

You know what I mean? Yes, there's probably. And then you're like, I don't have it, but I like, really into the idea of maybe getting herpes.

[A]

Interesting. You gotta. Yeah. You have to seek out people with gonorrhea, with herpes. The only people that are the only.

[C]

Gay guys that'll let you groups for all of these.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

[B]

Can you not find one guy besides your boyfriend?

[C]

I mean, I feel like he's not trying hard enough.

[A]

I agree.

[C]

I think ultimately this is made.

[A]

Ultimately. I agree. It's a. It's. It's also a thing where, look, you have to lead with this now. It's weird that you have to. But like, gay guys, like, especially on, like, apps, it's not. They're just like. I like this very specific thing. Leave nothing to the. Like. This is a bad screening process because you've these guys. Look, I agree with you. They should you and get by you with a condom, but that's not what they're into. So you have to be like, I'm a condom guy. Like, you have to before you meet up. All this can take place in. Within grinding.

[C]

Put it in the bio.

[A]

Yeah, put it in the bio.

[C]

Literally, like, process. Just work it out harder.

[A]

I think that's all it is. It's screening. And that means you're gonna get less hits. But the hits you do get. You get the them, actually. So that's all, brother. I think that's pretty much it. I think you'll be some guy's ass. That's not Your boyfriend in no time.

[C]

Gay guys are so easy. It'll be easy for you. Just put some elbow grease into it and you'll be just fine.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, we believe in you.

[C]

Gay guys would monkeys and ants and rats.

[B]

A girl maybe?

[A]

Yeah. Oh, unless I get crazy. Keep them over there. I don't want ripped guys. I don't want sexually. You know those D.C. gay guys, you don't even know they're sexy. Do the right thing.

[C]

I've had some good sex with homosexuals.

[B]

Did you just say you almost got like going on?

[C]

No other people? Not me.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

He used my name to later sexually assault other women.

[A]

Interesting.

[C]

My proximity to me, he kind of clout chase other women. But I made it out alive because I'm the chosen one. But also extremely unlucky.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. So now how many gay guys have you had sex with, would you say?

[C]

Okay, well. Okay, so in college I fucked a white guy from Atlanta who is like a fake bisexual. But he was like working on it. I don't have any updates on you think he's actually.

[A]

When you say fake bisexual, mean he was gay.

[C]

He was only fucking pussy. And then I think he was like looking at men on Tinder and then like trying to get himself there. But ultimately, you know, he's from Atlanta.

[A]

He could be that religious, depressed.

[B]

Yeah, there's a lot of. I bet you he gay guys in Atlanta.

[C]

Yes. Oh, honey, yes. The guy that I lost my virginity to was trans in college and then went back around the time I met him. So that's kind of gay girl back to being a boy. So that's like D. Trans. So that's kind of gay adjacent.

[B]

So zero so far.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, so far. No.

[C]

No. But then the guy that the gay that I fucked was gay, but then swore he wasn't after the.

[A]

But then he. It was women that he was assaulting a lot of. Of straight. Mostly straight gay guys is what I'm hearing.

[C]

But he was getting in the ass by a guy who's now dead for like five years.

[A]

Okay, so sounds like two bisexuals and a detransitioner. So far is what I've heard.

[C]

That's three plus three equals gay. That all adds up to one homosexual man.

[A]

All right, I'll give you one. All right, so I got into the buckle.

[C]

Gay sex with one gay guy.

[A]

Okay. All right, great. Summertime, a time of vacations, of road trip trips, of BBQs. Long days. Challenging time to be cooking meals constantly. Maybe you're like me. Maybe you are looking for a Quick fix that doesn't compromise my nutrition. Well, a Tempo Meals has your back. That's right. Our pals at Tempo make it very easy to stay on track. Lots of beautiful made lunches and dinner options. You just pop ready to go. No cooking, no bs. Just ready for you right there. They got carb conscious, protein packed, calorie conscious, fiber rich. Whatever you want they got for you. And they are the official partner of the 2025 CrossFit Games. That's right. We have something in common with the CrossFit Games here at Stavi Babies at Stavi's World. And they deliver fresh Chef K curated dietitian approved meals right to your freaking door. Huh? You can't beat that fast feel good single serving meals that are crafted to cook in just two minutes so you can eat well without sacrificing taste or convenience for a limited time. Tempo is offering my listeners 60% off your first box. Go to templemeals.com Davi that's Tempo Meals T MPO meals.comi for 60% off. This is a steal, folks. 60% off your first box. Tempo meals.com Stavi rules and restrictions may apply. Next question here.

[B]

LD not to be too on the nose, but I guess I'll stay on theme here.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

Hi SA and guest. I am wondering how I should confirm if I am in fact a lesbian and not bisexual. I have hooked up up with both men and women. I've only slept with men though, all the way. The reasoning is because every time I date a man and I get out of a relationship, I'm low key. Like, wow, I kind of hated that. Like, like that just wasn't that good. But then like sexually, like I trained him enough to where it could be satisfying. The problem with women and the reason I haven't troubled a lot of them is like I'm a tall girl, I'm femme. But like I'm more assertive even with the men was with like they're going to call me mommy bro. Like I don't know what kind of energy I. My thing is like women this out.

[A]

Before Nick blows like a top or something about a tall woman that'll just bully him sexually.

[B]

Her voice ask if she ice skates.

[A]

Does she ice skate? Do you want to go party her coffee. Okay, keep going.

[E]

The thing is like women tend to treat me more like a top or like masculine because of that. That's kind of why I have an issue.

[A]

Sure.

[E]

So yeah, I'm just wondering like I've. I've tried different things. Should I be just hooking up with more women. Should I be going on the app more? How exactly do you know, like if you hate men, if you liked it. You know what I mean? Maybe you're not the most equipped for this, but I'd love to know a man perspective on it. Just because the women I talk to are always like, you know, you'll know, you'll find out. So yeah, please let me know.

[A]

Thank you. Bye.

[C]

Yeah, she's asking for male voices so I'm gonna set this one out.

[A]

Yeah, after we're done. Feel free to chime in. I mean I honestly do think. Yeah, you just. You just have to more women. Like you've never actually a woman. If you've dated a bunch of guys and you come out of it being like that sucked and you've hooked up, clearly there's an attraction with women and like. But you haven't explored all the way. You just gotta a couple girls and you haven't exactly found the. I guess she doesn't want to be treated like a top or a ma. The masculine one or whatever. You can find that if you just look a little more. I don't know exactly what you're looking for, but screening process again. It's like another small guy, really tall.

[C]

Tattoos all over his.

[B]

Tattoos all over his foot. Nose ring, fatty liver.

[A]

The nose ring does.

[B]

25 years old.

[A]

Oh, hell yeah, dude. Wow.

[B]

My thing with her is like who cares if you just listen to your body, right?

[C]

And the body says suck next dick and next penis.

[A]

And I'm.

[B]

I'm very happy my relationship.

[A]

She's.

[B]

She's 511 and blonde. Exactly like my mom.

[C]

We love you, Olivia.

[B]

Love you, Olivia.

[C]

Olivia, you're the fucking coolest girl I know.

[A]

That's fucking awesome.

[B]

Check her out on the Tonight show.

[C]

On Thursday and on Instagram @og Carter new faces.

[A]

Hell yeah. All right, get. Let's get these plugs out for your girlfriend so she has an only fan. Okay, now I'm listening. So yeah, I mean also you might just be the whole worried about the role that you're playing in the lesbian thing. It sounds like she's a little repressed and doesn't really want to dive into. She's limited eating fully. You know what I mean? Like it sounds a little bit like you're at like Atlanta fake bisexual.

[C]

Right?

[A]

She sounds like a like he. To me that guy sounded like a repressed, maybe religious from the south guy. She's maybe hung up on gender roles. Who's masculine, who's not. She hasn't gone all the way. She's clearly giving it a try over and over again.

[C]

Why don't you get on some non binary.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Why don't you go munching some envy box?

[A]

Sure. I think that could just.

[C]

There.

[A]

I think that could definitely work.

[B]

Yeah. And I think if you're like a tall woman, like lesbians just kind of walk up to you.

[C]

Absolutely. Absolutely. Everyone wants to get sledded out by a tall beach.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. It sounds cool. Cool. I think all of us agree with there. No one's against that. So, yeah, you just gotta. Why aren't. Why haven't you more girls go do that? I think that's really the answer. I think it's really pretty straightforward here.

[B]

There are so many women like this where they're like, I'm bisexual and I hate men and I've never slept with a woman and I don't want to, but then I also want to.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And I think some of them are faking it to be cool, but I think some of them are big as fucked.

[C]

All of them.

[A]

Yeah. But I think there are plenty of like. I think there's. It does run two sides where it's like. Yeah, I think some women are just sort of like a little more flexible and they'll kind of hook up with girls, but they're ultimately straight, whatever. Right. And I think there's plenty of people who like, everyone's like, well, it's so easy to be gay now. But it's like, it's still hard for a lot of people. It's still not. There's so much like internalized homophobia. There's so much worrying about what people are going to think. All this other shit where it's like, I just think you sound repressed, that you haven't really given it a whirl. I mean, the fact you straight up have not fucked one woman for real is crazy. Just give it a whirl. I would say, don't date. Stop dating men that you hate and try to train to fuck you adequately. Like, stop doing that.

[C]

That's hard, though. Starve. A good dick is a dime a motherfucking dozen.

[B]

Star doesn't know what he's talking about.

[A]

But it's not good dick. That's what I'm saying. You know what I mean? Like, she's.

[C]

It's hard to find good dick. A good dick is hard to find.

[A]

Diamond dozen does not mean that. It means that they're easy.

[C]

I'm a dozen. It means there's one dime out of a dozen.

[A]

No, it means for a dime you can buy a dozen of them.

[C]

No, it means that in a stack of a dozen things there's one dime.

[A]

That's not at all what it is. There's a dozen strange objects, one of.

[B]

Which is a dime.

[C]

Good dick is needle in a haystack of dimes.

[A]

But no, good dick is like a needle. Finding good dick is like finding a.

[C]

Needle in a haystack. I said that right first. That's the first thing I said.

[A]

Yeah, edit that. So. But she's not even finding good dick. She's finding mediocre dick that she's wor. She's spending three months so that these.

[C]

Guys making them eat their for her for three hours.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I guess like, if you've never loved before.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

You know, like, that could be scary.

[A]

Yeah, that is true.

[B]

Just like, listen to your body.

[A]

Yeah. I think go fuck more girls. It's pretty. Pretty straightforward. And tell us about it. Yeah. Maybe you and a girl need to. A little fat guy. Maybe that'll help.

[B]

Maybe you'll end up on the couch.

[A]

You know what? Of all the. Of everyone who's called in. Let's just put it this way. The odds that a man who called in. That's the couch. Pretty low. Yeah, I hit it even in the fall. Hit us with another one. Little ld.

[D]

Hey, St. Long time fan. So got this situation going on where I used to work with my girlfriend and I got a new job a couple months ago and there's this guy that we both worked with with that bit of an idiot and he is like an Ambien addict.

[A]

Nice.

[D]

And we'll take Ambien at night and then just message all of our co workers crazy after like 11pm There was one time that.

[A]

Where do you work?

[D]

Message my girlfriend just saying how she looked nice in the. The pants she was wearing.

[A]

Good Christ, dude.

[C]

It's like, he's sweet.

[B]

Obviously she's a lover.

[D]

Talking about her ass.

[A]

What? Really?

[D]

And now she like, has to have like a weird talk with the boss and him because he thinks that everyone is leaving him out of activities and being mean to him.

[A]

That's crazy that he's still employed there.

[D]

Because everyone knows that he. He randomly messages people high on drugs late at night. And I don't know, I just. If you have any sort of, you know, advice about what I should do, I. I don't work there anymore. I don't know if I should like message the guy or, you know, I should do anything, but I'd appreciate any advice, man. Thank you so much. Much love you, Stavi.

[C]

That's how I met the guy that I'm fucking.

[A]

How's that?

[C]

He would like my Instagram stories on Ambien, and I slid into the DMs and he would message me when he was on Ambien. And now it's been four months, so.

[A]

Have you ever seen him when he's not in a fugue state or.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, that's good.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I see him during the day.

[A]

You go out to dinner. He's wearing like a.

[C]

We don't go out to dinner. Really? He doesn't really take me out of the house, but. But I do see him when he's not on the Ambien. But it's. It. It can cause love connection. So maybe you're kind of hindering your girlfriend, kind of hobbling her, because this could be her kid.

[B]

Yeah, I see no problem.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. This guy could be nutting in your girlfriend in no time.

[C]

I say, let me guess. Your girlfriend's 18 years younger than you.

[A]

I. I mean, look, you're basically just like, hey, Stav, my girlfriend works with a loser. What do I do about that?

[C]

It's like, dude, our hands are tired.

[A]

This is clearly just a shitty, like, low level job. This is what half the people that.

[C]

Work there are like, what if they work at BlackRock?

[A]

It's. That's actually also kind of. Then this guy would have just like, Then the guy's not on ambient. He's just assaulting whoever the. He's just any, like, low level female intern he wants to.

[C]

Awesome.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's like, talk to hr.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, this guy should be fine. You're not. You're not allowed to take drugs and message your co workers, especially suggestive things and like, it's now. And then complain that you don't get to go to fucking happy hour at Chili's with them.

[B]

Imagine messaging a girl. I like how your pants look.

[A]

Yeah, that's, like, good in those.

[B]

You should, like, go to jail.

[C]

Somebody needs to say that about these shorts I'm wearing.

[A]

I mean, those are really brutal.

[B]

Talk to your man.

[A]

I really, really, like, I don't even understand what's going on, honestly.

[C]

They have, like, a maternity.

[A]

The maternity is where it's kind of getting. I'm like, what the.

[C]

Oh, the pockets are kind of fake out pockets. Like, they're cargo shorts, but they don't really, like, work.

[A]

Those are like white trash.

[C]

That's not your word to say.

[A]

Those look Like a white trash kids plaid shorts. Those are very much like the Cookie Monster cap. I went to college with a kid who wore those shorts and a Cookie monster cap, actually. And a beater that's actually his exact outfit.

[C]

One of these look fire with like a newsboy hat or like a football fedora. Like, tell me that. Tell me you see the vision. Stop.

[A]

I. Weird. Weirdly, I kind of do. I know what you're going for. It becomes performative.

[B]

You want to get trafficked so bad.

[C]

Entourage character on the body underneath bait.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

That's what I'm trying to serve to this damn world.

[A]

Yes, yes. Everybody would act. Fedora would actually go a hilariously long way. Yeah, that's really funny.

[B]

And yeah, you in a photo like that.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll give you that. I'll give you. That's actually, actually really good. But with no hat. It has no powers with no hat. So just get the hat.

[C]

I'll get the hat, I promise.

[A]

Yeah, dude. I mean, what you don't. You don't have to message this. I. She needs to talk to hr and then, you know, he'll get fired from stocking a Walgreens at midnight, which is what I assume this company. Company you work for is.

[B]

But it's like, what does this guy expect? He takes Ambien and blacks out, and then people, like, treat him differently after he does it.

[A]

Like he's a idiot. What does he think he's a drug addled idiot?

[C]

I rewarded this behavior with, So I don't know what you guys are saying. Really judgmental and mean. I would this guy in a lickety split.

[A]

You might. It's. I don't actually necessarily doubt that that's true. But, you know, we got to get this guy. You know, there's just not much to do here for our caller, I guess is my point. I don't know what else he could really, really do. You don't have to message him. Hey, stop taking Ambien and saying my girl's ass little looks good. Just get it. Get people to complain and then just like, you know, whatever. She has an annoying co worker. I mean, unless it get. If it escalates, sure, that's something different. But he doesn't sound like violent or scary. Just sounds like a loser. And who hasn't worked with a bunch of losers? I worked at a law firm where it was like people would do this kind of.

[C]

What did you do at the law firm?

[A]

I was a paralegal.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah. Yep.

[C]

That's a good Job if you're a woman.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

What kind of.

[A]

I was looking for husband.

[B]

Was it like evil law or like.

[A]

It was law. It was not good. No, it was. I found out when I got there that it was, it was like a real estate place. And then it was, it was foreclosures. So then I stopped working.

[B]

And around what time was this?

[A]

No, dude, I was, I was a part of every part of the mortgage crisis where when I was in high school, I was a telemarketer for a company called American Government Mortgage. Who's. Whose business was plan was call old people, let them think the government is calling them and so that they'll refinance with you. Never, by the way, I was so bad at that job. I never once closed a single mortgage application. I was just getting paid my, you know, it was actually at the time, pretty good money. It was above minimum wage. And then I worked for this law firm that was dealing on the other end with foreclosures. But I was sort of like, like after like a month there, I got hired in July. I was also going through a breakup with my like college girlfriend at the time. And so like I spent the first month like crying, you know, at my desk, just like not doing any work. And then when I realized what was happening, I was like, wait, I'm not helping these people. So I didn't do anything. And I was like, I guess they'll fire me in like a month or two. And I, I got to keep my job for like eight months after that. Just hanging out, being like the, you know, company clown, kind of like my.

[C]

Whole stand up career, basically.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. Just be around, be, be a good vibes guy. Kind of take two hour lunches. It's pretty nice.

[C]

Did it pay well?

[A]

It paid okay. I mean at the time it was like, it was like above minimum wage. It was like, you know, we're talking at this point 11, 12 years ago. And it was like 17, 18 an hour, which was, it wasn't bad compared to the other other. And then I quit that. Well, I got fired eventually. And then I worked at a paint store that was pretty fun that paid 11, that paid $10 an hour. But they let me fill out paperwork where it said, how much is the hourly rate? Like my manager should have put the wage. And I just put 11, hoping no one would see. And no one did. And Sherwin Williams paid me 11 an hour. I don't, you know, shout out to them for that one who. Sometimes I'm looking to let my Hair down, shake these curls. Get a little nasty. Get a little freaky. Get a little twisted, you might say. That's right. There's only one beverage for keeping it mother effing ass effing twisted. That's twisted tea. Slurp that shit down. Suckle on the teat of good times. Think of two cans of twisted teas as the mother of fun's breasts. And drinking twisted tea is like getting breastfed by the concept of fun itself. Are you a fun hunter? Well, then suck your mommy's titties with twisted tea. Your mommy, in this case, being fun and her tits being cans of twisted tea. And the milk being the twisted tea itself. Let's keep the analogy fairy clear. I love a twisted tee to kick back, relax. You know how the motherfuck we get down around here. We're big fans of twisted tea, and we think you should be too. I've been slurping them down when I'm trying to kick back. Relax. I'm a twisted tea guy. That's right. Go down smooth. No pesky carbonation getting in the way of you having a nice bev? No, sir. Just real Brewed iced tea. 5% perfection volume. Good God, it goes down smooth. So here's what I want you to do. No promo code. None of this bullshit. This is simply. The good folks at Twisted T have purchased advertising space to raise awareness about Twisted T. I don't even. Look, you don't have to track shit. You don't have to do anything. This is not even financial for me. I just want you to have a twisted tea. So what I need you to do is grab a refreshing twisted tea, Twisted T today, wherever the. Doesn't matter to me. I'm not gonna see $1 from your purchase. I just want you to have it and keep it twisted. All right, what else we got? Eldis? I think we have time for one. One more. Maybe two if they're short.

[E]

Hey, Stav. I have a little bit of an annoying situation I recently took. Joined an art class, like, a local art class that is at my community center. And all I'm trying to do is learn some watercolors. And I understood when I signed up for this class that I would probably be with just, like, a bunch of old white women, which is like, whatever. But I swear to God, every class we. They talk about local gun violence or, you know, the bad areas of town. And it's just like, these women are obviously so racist. And it's just. Like I said, I'm just trying to paint And I don't know whether. And just, like, be silent and let my silence be the uncomfortable thing in this room or you. Like, today in. In the class I took today, I was like, oh, you guys are talking about, like, all of these crimes that are happening. Let me tell you about a situation where, like, somebody was constantly convicted. I know that sounds lame, but, like, I just, like. If you get to talk about dumbass, you know, dumbass things, like, why can't I just, like, kind of throw the opposite in your face? Am I wrong? I'm sorry. I appreciate. Thanks.

[C]

I think kill them all with a gun.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, that is true. Show them. Show them real gun violence.

[B]

And why can she just not, like, talk to them?

[A]

I mean, dude, come on. Even though you've been around people like this.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, it sounds like she's outnumbered, for one. Like, it sounds.

[A]

They just say. I mean, yeah, you can. And, you know, you're obviously in a situation when you've been around out. Like, people just bring up crazy shit. And, like, I've had these conversations. I mean, this happens to me a lot because people, like, fans of yours.

[C]

Are like, isn't it crazy how many there are?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like this. Especially, like, in Baltimore, it'll have, like, I do a character that is a. I mock racist Baltimore trash.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And sometimes people are so fucking stupid, they think I am racist. Like, they are.

[C]

They're like, it was more like 600,000.

[A]

And so I have. I've had to have conversations where I'm like, oh, yeah. I don't really. Like, this happened. Where somebody's like, I'll be visiting. And some I'll tell somebody's like, mom, that I live in New York. And they'll be like, isn't it dangerous? I'll be like, actually, statistically, New York is much safer than wherever. You know what I mean? Like, and I have. I do have these. Like, honestly, my. The. The way that I deal with this shit is, like, staying friendly but being like, I'm not so sure about that. Like, I don't. Or I'll say, I don't feel unsafe. I've been in a lot of places. It's always been great. You can. All you can do is your actual personal. And then ask them, have you been there? Right. When's the last. Like, kind of make them. And as long as you're not doing it in an accusatory way, I'm not saying it ever sinks in, but honestly, sometimes I have seen. Because a lot of people. People, like, like, my dad is kind of like this. We'll just parrot whatever, some, whatever he just heard from his idiot friends. And when I'll be like, let's think through that. Like, I remember back in the day he was saying some homophobic about like, he was like one time he was like, oh, I mean, look, fine, they can get married, but you're gonna let him raise kids, right? And then I was like, okay, dad, would you rather a child be in an orphanage or within a loving gay home? And he was like, oh, I guess it would be good if they like literally they just. Sometimes these people don't think about these things.

[C]

You have to meet them where they're at 100%.

[A]

You have to sort of like not. You can't be accused. Like, I hear the frustration in your voice, but you also have to understand that some of these people are just kind of brainwashed. It is. Their, their culture is sort of like there. Some of them are just parroting talking points in a way that like, like they don't even necessarily know that they're being hateful, to be honest with you. Some of them are like, some of them might be legitimately thinking it's unsafe and not even understand the dog whistle. Don't get me wrong, half of them are racist. Yeah, more probably. But there might be some that aren't. And I think nothing is solved by being shitty and combative. I think a big problem is like people on the left have been like tattletales have had. Very tattletale. You're a piece of energy. When in reality, reality it's like how just be a regular person. Like everybody, like you grow. I. You know, when you work blue collar jobs, you're gonna be friends with racist people. You know what I mean? Like, or people who say wild. Who might actually be kind of nice. Who. The people that they, they might think theoretically racist, but the people they come into contact with, they're actually very nice to.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they actually have more like, you know, people in the, in their lives that are like how many like rich liberal, liberal arts people actually don't have any minority friends? Truly Like a lot. And a lot of like racist people actually do. And so I don't know if you're like a small town and you're also. You're dealing with the watercolor racists. Yeah, they've got to be a little open minded compared to the like and that you're not at the gun. You know what I mean? You're not like the mechanics organic shop. You're. You're taking art, like.

[B]

And like where is she? Did she say like where in the country? She's like, how bad is the place?

[A]

True.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

I mean, what. Listen, I'm just saying, whatever.

[B]

If she lives in like Iowa, it's like, of course that's completely fine, dude. You know what I mean?

[A]

Whatever it is, it's the same thing where it's like, let's see, what this area code. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, it's like, it's like the Midwest somewhere. It's like wherever you are though, it's always. Well, the big city nearby is dangerous, but the suburbs are okay. You know, it's always the same. It's the people that are scared of New York. So whatever, dude. I get the frustration. Try and be nice and then ultimately you're there for class. If all you want to do is actually learn, just put your nose to.

[C]

The grindstone and paint.

[B]

Yeah, or like paint them.

[A]

Paint them and then paint them getting railed by black guys. Be like, check this out.

[B]

Do you like this?

[A]

Like this Paint their. Their sons having a black boyfriend. No, that'll shut them up. That'll shut those whores up a lickety split.

[C]

Paint them getting their brain splattered in the projects.

[A]

Yeah, that's good too. Well, this came to be a vision.

[B]

I thought you guys would like this.

[C]

Isn't this what you think is happening?

[A]

My.

[B]

Do you have dad? My dad is really stupid about Zoron.

[A]

Oh really?

[B]

He's like.

[A]

He's like.

[B]

It's just like the Bernie Bros. They're like brown shirts.

[A]

Yeah. It's insane.

[B]

It's like who told you?

[A]

That's what exactly what I'm talking about. It's like this is that. I do think with some reasonable people you can get them to change. It's just that they. They hear something and they like. I had a friend who legit thought Epstein killed himself.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He's like, he just had never heard that the. He just didn't know that there's missing footage. He didn't know anything. And he was like, wait, really? It was news to him that that had happened. But anyway, I think we gotta go. We have a heart out. Ivy has to go big. We're doing big. She's gotta meet up with her 42 year old boyfriend.

[C]

No, no. Oh, not even. Not even.

[A]

No, you're right. It's the daytime. He doesn't want to see you. Yeah, yeah, but we do it. We do have a hard out here.

[B]

They're meeting up at 9pm in a Walmart parking lot in. In rural Maine.

[C]

I have to am track to him. He lives in Manhattan, but he'll only see me at the train station.

[B]

She pays for it, too.

[C]

Nothing linked in the ramble in Central Park. He me in the butt, he leaves. It's a really sweet deal we've got.

[B]

You said to meet up with her face down.

[A]

I don't know what that means. Guys, thanks for coming on the show. Really fun.

[B]

Thanks for having us.

[A]

Of course.

[C]

Can we do plugs?

[A]

Please do. And we'll put up. We can also do. Put some plugs up earlier.

[B]

Where.

[A]

Where do you want people to see you? All this kind of stuff. All right.

[B]

We run a show called Struggle Bus. Okay. It's at Life World, September 14th. It's a contest to see which comic had the worst life.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It's fun. It's a good show. Come to it. Is there a ticket link yet?

[A]

No. Right? No, that's okay. By the time this comes out, this will come out in probably a couple weeks. No, no, just come out a couple weeks before that. Probably, right?

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

August.

[B]

All right. And then I'm going to be in Boston the first week of September. I'm going to North Carolina. I think the weekend after that, I'm going to be in Madrid. Spain.

[A]

Spain. Nice.

[B]

At the Madrid Comedy Lab. Great room.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And I think I'm doing something in Western Master Fall man instrument.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Worcester and Madrid. Yeah, the two comedy powerhouses.

[C]

I have dates as well.

[A]

Yeah. Please hit us with them.

[C]

August 8th, I'm at Color Club in Chicago.

[A]

Probably will have HAP. Will not be out by then.

[C]

Ignore that then. August 14th, I met Bottle Rocket in Pittsburgh.

[A]

It's a toss up weather.

[C]

August 14th, 15th, I met deep Cuts in Medford, Massachusetts.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

If you want to assassinate Ivy.

[C]

August 21st, I'm at El Cid in Los Angeles.

[A]

Oh, hometown show.

[C]

Hometown show. So if this comes out by then, come see it. Somebody threatened to shoot me with a gun in Pittsburgh. A non binary person threatened to kill.

[B]

Me with guns and they like use a cane. Do you know what I mean?

[C]

Yeah. It's somebody with pink hair who is homeless. They threatened. They threatened to shoot me dead in Pittsburgh on their Instagram story. And then the next slide is, please help me stay house. I'm being evicted in two days and I'm really scared, actually, because I know that person is outside.

[A]

That is true. That is true.

[C]

Anywhere I go. They're not posted up in the crib. They're not safe in a domicile. They are lurking the streets.

[A]

They got time to kill.

[C]

This might be the last filmed document of me ever of this podcast. So I hope I did well.

[A]

I hope you didn't. You know, I hope you don't. But if you did, this would go crazy. Fire.

[C]

Would you donate any of the proceeds to, like, my funeral fund?

[A]

Yeah, depends. If we. Let's. Let's talk about it after we hit a certain amount of views. We can do that. It's going to be like a door deal. You'll get ad revenue after, like, 300,000 views. Again, we'll figure it out.

[B]

If I die, I'll be edited out of the episode.

[A]

We're just going to put JP in here. You take up about the same amount of space. He'll just read. We'll just redub all your lines.

[B]

Yeah, it's just him and a. A green super tending to stutter.

[A]

Yeah. Thanks, guys, and thanks for listening. We'll talk to you guys next time. Bye. Bye.

[C]

Bye.