#162 - Sarah Sherman

Summary

Podcast Summary: Stavvy's World #162 – Sarah Sherman

Date: January 5, 2026
Host: Stavros Halkias
Guest: Sarah Sherman (aka Sarah Squirm)
Setting: The makeshift “Stavvy’s World” studio in Manhattan

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Overview

In this lively and hilarious episode, comedian Sarah Sherman joins Stavros Halkias and co-host Eldis for a freewheeling conversation blending career updates, surreal personal anecdotes, and candid advice for call-in listeners. The episode is infused with Sarah’s trademark absurdist humor (especially about body horror and gross-out comedy), behind-the-scenes tales from SNL and stand-up, and the trio’s uniquely warm-but-caustic camaraderie as they roast each other, riff on youth and aging, and dispense practical, if unconventional, advice. The vibe is equal parts chaotic, affectionate, and unfiltered—classic Stavvy’s World.

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Main Discussion & Key Themes

1. Catching Up: The Make-Up and the Vibe (01:11–03:13)

• Sarah returns to the show, glammed up from press obligations (“from the neck up. Glammed up, glammed up. Eyelashes burning into my eyes” – Sarah [01:20]).
• The crew jokes about her full day in makeup and the discomfort: “[You] could just take a shovel and scrape off 4 inches of concealer.” (Sarah, [01:33])
• They riff on the impersonal, weird “sublet” studio space, and Stav’s plans to host a wild, real party before moving out.

2. Comedy, Parties, and Social Burnout (03:11–05:36)

• Sarah confesses she hasn’t been to a fun, non-work party in a long time—after show events are all “work.”
• “I had a martini and a half… fully blacked out, was acting crazy” and “I can’t tell if I’m charming anymore.” (Sarah, [03:30], [04:16])
• The group recalls embarrassing post-show run-ins and Sarah’s “apology tour” at SNL after getting stressed with producers.

3. SNL Sketches, Gross-Out Comedy, and Technical Challenges (05:01–17:00)

• Sarah and Stav excitedly discuss the art of vomit/diarrhea sketches and the technical challenges of fake vomit rigs.
  • “The vomit hoses are hard… Louis, special effects, shout out to—he actually did scan me for [the movie] Begonia.” (Sarah, [05:01])
• Sarah shares the frustration of writing “four sketches a week”—most being absurdly on-brand for her—but rarely making it on air.
• Discussion of SNL “normal woman” sketches and how losing certain cast members shifted Sarah into more “straight-woman” roles, despite her surrealist leanings.
• Sarah’s HBO special Live in the Flesh: anxiety about how it’ll look streamed, and neurotic fears (blurry upload, visible IV port from “the hydration drip” pre-show).
  • “I’m always, like, inventing a new terrible thing that’s happening, so… I was worried it was going to get blurry.” (Sarah, [10:59])
• Both Sarah and Stav swap war stories about technical mishaps while taping comedy specials (lights going out, color correction mishaps).

Notable Quote

“I write four sketches a week, and they’re exactly what you think—they don’t make it past the finish line.” (Sarah, [10:08])

4. Body Horror, Gender, and Gross Anatomy Riffs (16:23–40:00)

• Extended riffing on fake genitals, nudity in comedy, prosthetics, and censorship on streaming platforms.
  • “They wouldn’t let me show my real balls… Not dangly enough? Yep.” (Stav [14:55])
• Sarah talks about the detail-obsessed color correcting for the special and the visible “red, oozing IV port” (her own “Easter egg”). ([17:00])
• Honest, hilarious discussion of male and female anatomy, penis/breasts/butt envy, testicular torsion, “nut slings,” and the comedy of being physically vulnerable.
  • “They are fun… in terms of genitals and sexual organs. They are the goofiest, almost the most innocent ones.” (Stav, [34:07])
  • Sarah: “I just have ball—I’m ball curious.” ([33:57])

Timestamped Highlight

• [33:02] Stav: “Mr. Belvedere, the chika, famously sat on his own balls so hard they had to delay production for three days…”

5. Sarah’s Youth: Lifeguard Days, Awkward Romances, and The Nanny as Fashion Icon (25:25–41:56)

• Sarah recounts her formative high school years as “head lifeguard” among the popular kids—but embracing outsider status (“dressing like Grandma Yenta from The Nanny” at 17).
• She discusses spurning the advances of the “bald, short” quarterback—preferring oddball crushes like a young English teacher who “wore Snoopy ties and smoked a pipe.”
• Extended lovefest about Fran Drescher and The Nanny—Sarah cites the character’s bold fashion and humor as a primary inspiration.

Notable Quote

“She’s again the most stunning woman I’ve ever seen. Full head to toe, neon Moschino every episode.” (Sarah, [28:03])

6. Comedy Career Stories: Showbiz Anxiety & Typecasting (43:03–49:52)

• Sarah shares acting audition woes and the agony of being typecast (“Every time an audition comes… that’s like, whatever, 30s… can we not?” [44:19])
• Jokes about wanting to play high schoolers despite “early onset skin age” caused by vaping (Sarah, [46:11]).
• Candid talk about age, appearance, and cosmetic interventions versus embracing comedic character roles.

7. Therapy, Stress, and Personal Care (50:42–51:36)

• The group swaps stories about dental work, teeth grinding, stress-related issues, and the comic indignities of trying to stay healthy as an adult.

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Listener Calls & Advice Segments

1. Accidental Young Dad? (67:44–77:51)

• Caller Situation: Young cousin (24M) is about to become a dad with a much older girlfriend (late 30s), freaking out, seeking help.
• Advice:
  • “Is this lady going to have the kid? She’s going to have a kid with a 24-year-old?” (Stav, [69:04])
  • Step one: open, honest conversation with partner—figure out what they want to do.
  • Support is crucial—emotionally, financially, logistically (“this is an all hands on deck situation”).
  • Comical riffs about possible outcomes (faking insanity, running to Ecuador) but ultimately, be their sounding board and encourage honesty.

2. My Sibling Smells—Can I Tell Them? (80:36–85:49)

• Caller Situation: The caller’s sibling smells “like body odor and incense.” Should she let them stay at her house while they help with childcare, and can she bring it up?
• Advice:
  • Sarah: “This has nothing to do with where this person is staying. You just have to tell your sibling that they stink.” ([82:36])
  • Stav: “You gotta have [this conversation]. If not now, when? This is crazy.” ([84:13])
  • Options: Gently but firmly tell them, or take the “coward’s way out” and get them a hotel/Airbnb with an excuse.

3. Old Teacher Sliding Into DMs… Is He Creepy? (88:30–95:53)

• Caller Situation: A young woman’s former history teacher, recently divorced, is inviting her to meet at his hotel—she’s conflicted, unsure if it’s just friendly.
• Advice:
  • Sarah: “Why would you not go?” (joking)
  • Stav: “There is no innocent scenario here.” ([90:59])
  • Team consensus: He’s absolutely trying to hook up. It’s not unheard of, but it’s weird—double-check your own comfort and priorities.
• “If you want to get dicked down and you’re clear… this is it—then do it. But it’s a weird move to hit up an ex-student for a hotel meet.” (Stav, [92:16])

4. Am I Too "Gay-Seeming" for Straight Life? (101:14–109:55)

• Caller Situation: Straight guy frustrated he’s always assumed to be gay due to style/grooming. How to look "straighter" without sacrificing self?
• Advice:
  • Sarah: “I think he’s not telling us something, that he like, waxes his chest or something…” ([105:56])
  • Stav: “This isn’t bad… people want to look gay. Everybody loves gay now. It’s like the thing everybody loves.” ([109:08])
  • Embrace your style and vibe; don’t sweat assumptions. If you want to “look straighter,” dressing down and being a little messy can help—but why compromise if you like who you are?

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Memorable Quotes

• “[Testicles] are the goofiest… almost the most innocent [genitals].” – Stav ([34:07])
• “I just have ball—I’m ball curious.” – Sarah ([33:57])
• “I’m not a diva deluxe… but all my jokes are ‘I’m ugly, I’m sweaty, I stink’—and my director was like, I think we have to hose you down because you’re bone dry and stunning.” – Sarah ([19:25])
• “I tried to show my nuts… to the point where people were like, oh–like, I didn’t care if it was a closed set. Everybody can look at my nuts.” – Stav ([30:34])
• “If you want an ounce of respect in this universe, you better pray on your hands and knees that everybody thinks you’re gay.” – Sarah ([109:34])
• “You could just take a shovel and scrape off 4 inches of concealer.” – Sarah ([01:33])
• “I haven’t smoked weed since I got crossfaded and watched Rap World before its release. I don’t come back from weed.” – Sarah ([25:01])
• “I was raka. He was a jock.” – Sarah ([41:21])

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Sarah talks SNL makeup & party deprivation: [01:11]–[03:13]
• Work parties & social awkwardness: [03:13]–[05:36]
• Diarrhea/vomit sketch talk, SNL inside baseball: [05:00]–[10:10]
• HBO special neuroses: [10:40]–[16:23]
• Body horror humor & physical comedy tangents: [16:23]–[40:00]
• The Nanny & Long Island identity: [27:00]–[41:56]
• Listener calls/advice (Dad panic, stinky sibling): [67:44]–[87:00]
• Teacher ex-student dilemma: [88:30]–[95:53]
• Am I “too gay-seeming?”: [101:14]–end

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Conclusion & Tone

This episode captures everything fans love about Stavvy’s World—unfiltered stories, joyful grossness, and friends tackling both big life issues and the gloriously mundane. Sarah Sherman brings her offbeat candor and self-deprecating wit, Stav keeps the pace snappy and mischievous, and all three riff astutely on everything from bodily functions to existential anxiety. A standout for listeners who love authentic, absurd, and unexpectedly wise comedic conversations.

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Sarah’s Special Plug:
Watch Sarah Sherman’s HBO special “Live in the Flesh!”
“If you like the special, take a screenshot of your favorite moment. Send it to me. Explain why. I’ll make a scrapbook.” – Sarah ([110:22])

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Transcript

[Host]

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[Sarah Sherman]

Well, the holidays have come and gone once again. But if you've forgotten to get that special someone in your life a gift. Well, Mint Mobile is extending their holiday offer of half off unlimited wireless. So here's the idea. You get it now, you call it.

[Eldis]

An early present for next year. What do you have to lose?

[Sarah Sherman]

Give it a [e-mail] Switch limited time. 50% off regular price for new customers. Upfront payment required. $45 for three months, $90 for six month or $180 for a 12 month plan. Taxes and fees. Extra speeds may slow after 50 gigabytes per month. When network is busy. See terms.

[Eldis]

Welcome everybody to Stavi's world. 904, 800 stuff. Call in. We'll solve all your problems. Look who's back on the couch, everybody.

[Sarah Sherman]

Miss me?

[Eldis]

Look who's back on the couch. And she was doing other press. So she looks halfway presentable today.

[Sarah Sherman]

From the neck up.

[Eldis]

From the neck up. Glammed up, glammed up.

[Sarah Sherman]

Eyelashes burning into my eyes.

[Eldis]

How does it feel? Is this strange for you?

[Sarah Sherman]

I'm. One day.

[Eldis]

How much makeup have you had on? How many hours have you had this on?

[Sarah Sherman]

I've had it on since 8am and you could just take a shovel and scrape off 4 inches of concealer. One day. One day. You have to do this for a full day. Lashes, lips. I'll give you 40 bucks.

[Eldis]

40 bucks to do it.

[Sarah Sherman]

Yeah. Contacts.

[Eldis]

Contacts. Are you wearing contacts?

[Sarah Sherman]

I'm wearing contacts. Cuz the eyes are the windows.

[Eldis]

Of course.

[Host]

Of course.

[Eldis]

Of course. I do like the purple eyeshadow.

[Sarah Sherman]

Isn't that nice?

[Eldis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Looking the only place the camera there isn't a camera. What a pro.

[Sarah Sherman]

Well, there's so much space in your new Epstein's mansion.

[Eldis]

That's right. That's right.

[Sarah Sherman]

Can they see?

[Eldis]

No. No one has any idea it's where you are. We are in the. In the headquarters. The Manhattan headquarters of the temporary headquarters of Stavi's World at. In the middle of nyu. We. We've rented a studio at nyu. Of course. We're in the middle of the campus right now.

[Sarah Sherman]

And it looks like a big refrigerator.

[Eldis]

Yeah, it's.

[Sarah Sherman]

If a house was a refrigerator and it's a house.

[Eldis]

It's pretty much a house in apartment form. Yeah, it's. It's big.

[Sarah Sherman]

Do you feel safe?

[Eldis]

Yeah. What do you mean?

[Sarah Sherman]

Like spiritually safe?

[Eldis]

Spiritually safe? That's a good question. No, not really. There's something sinister going on here.

[Sarah Sherman]

You did say it feels evil. There's nothing on the wall.

[Eldis]

Well, I've subletted and it's furnished so I can't put my own. And the.

[Sarah Sherman]

No, but that's what I'm saying. The person who lives here doesn't. It's bad.

[Eldis]

The vibes are not great. It's a cool space.

[Sarah Sherman]

Right.

[Eldis]

And it's a cool neighborhood that I never lived in. But I did learn. Like, I don't want this. This is too much for me. I'm going to get a smaller place.

[Sarah Sherman]

Although, my God, you're so humble stuff.

[Eldis]

Well, the idea, what I would love to do is throw a big ass party here on the way out. I will throw a party.

[Sarah Sherman]

I need to go to a. I haven't been to a party where I was just. I was having fun in a long time.

[Eldis]

Lot of, A lot of work after parties.

[Sarah Sherman]

I'm at work. Thank you for saying that. I'm at work.

[Eldis]

That can't be that fun.

[Sarah Sherman]

No. And I'm like tweaking off a Celsius that I drank at like 11pm before the show. And then I like, I had martini and a half a couple weekends ago, like fully blacked out, was acting crazy.

[Eldis]

Yeah. Have you embarrassed yourself in front of like a famous person? To a degree. Anything that come. Does anything come to mind? Anything in particular?

[Sarah Sherman]

Just on Saturday I ran up something I saw cry. I was full blown sober, just like tired as hell. And like on Celsius, I saw the.

[Eldis]

Dare and I went, nice.

[Sarah Sherman]

Terrible.

[Eldis]

That's pretty good.

[Sarah Sherman]

And then, and then his friend goes, good job on the show tonight. I know you did good on the show tonight. And I go, no, I didn't. It's like I can't tell. I'm at a point in my life where I don't know if I'm charming anymore.

[Eldis]

Oh, interesting. You know you're having a real crisis.

[Sarah Sherman]

I am, yeah. And then, and then I to. And then I was kind of on an apology tour because I was really stressed out at work and like a producer asked me to cut just One joke from a thing wasn't that funny. When you cut time out of your sketches, it's good because then your friends have time to get their sketches on the show. Everybody eats, you know, I'm saying, I'm an angel.

[Eldis]

You cut one fart out of your diarrhea sketch.

[Sarah Sherman]

I cut just one R at a diarrhea.

[Eldis]

Are they gonna let you do, like, some kind of diarrhea? Like, you know, remember back in the day, One of my favorite sketch as a kid was the throwing up out of the hand.

[Sarah Sherman]

Also, I've tried one of the best.

[Eldis]

That'S got to come back.

[Sarah Sherman]

We even made vomit. Because why they do it with the hand is because when you tape, like, a vomit tube to your face, the force of the liquid vomit, like, usually, like, pries the hose off. It's hard to keep the hose on your face.

[Eldis]

I had. I did a movie where somebody had one of those in there, like, in their mouth. And it was crazy. Crazy. Their head flew around. Like, he was. Yeah, it was, like, very. It was a lot. And he didn't have control of it that we were with him. It was pretty fun, actually. The director was a fun. A fun. A fun little rascal. He was just with him, and it was pretty.

[Sarah Sherman]

And that director was Begonia.

[Eldis]

Yeah, it was. It was an uncut. Yeah, it was a cut scene. There's a lot of, like, throw. Yeah, Lanthimos loves the hand in the. In the wrist throw. I bet he would love that, actually.

[Sarah Sherman]

Awesome. We like. It's. The vomit hoses are hard, so, like, Louis, special effects shout out to.

[Eldis]

He actually did scan me for begonia.

[Sarah Sherman]

That's true.

[Eldis]

So me and Louie has looked at my. He's scanned my whole body.

[Sarah Sherman]

He has that on a computer.

[Eldis]

Yeah, he has my body on a computer somewhere. I kind of want it. I want to make an action figure of myself.

[Sarah Sherman]

He will make it for you.

[Eldis]

Cool.

[Sarah Sherman]

He. I have so many of my little heads that he's printed.

[Eldis]

Yeah, I saw that in his workshop. You're like the. You're like the number one person in there. Well, pretty good for somebody who's barely in the sketches.

[Sarah Sherman]

It's all, oh, you haven't tuned in this season. Neither of you have turned in this season. I'm woman number three in a blonde wig and bangs going, hey, you're acting bizarre.

[Eldis]

Well, they lost to you guys lost two normal women.

[Sarah Sherman]

We did.

[Eldis]

And that did push you even further into pretending to be a normal woman territory. It is Heidi Gardner who's going to do that, you know, What I mean, and the answer is not you, but somebody's taking her spot. And so you have to be a background normal woman.

[Sarah Sherman]

Lauren always says, like. Because I'm always going, like, someone's doing something weird. And I'm going. And he's like, you're gonna catch flies in that mouth. And I'm like, I'm legitimately disturbed. Nikki Glazer and Tommy Brennan are doing a sketch where they're.

[Eldis]

They're siblings and they're. They have a lot of sexual chemistry.

[Sarah Sherman]

And so I'm going to.

[Eldis]

Yeah, you're playing it natural.

[Sarah Sherman]

Yeah.

[Eldis]

That's how anyone would react in real life.

[Sarah Sherman]

I try to really get in there and go, like, huh. I'm really present. Sometimes I'm fully, like, 10 seconds late on a line because I'm watching to sew in.

[Eldis]

I'm going like, yeah. Like, this is crazy. These siblings shouldn't be about the. What the hell is.

[Sarah Sherman]

I actually. I got a wig. I was gonna come in here full. Sarah normal.

[Eldis]

Oh, my God. That would have been incredible.

[Sarah Sherman]

I.

[Eldis]

That would have been incredible.

[Sarah Sherman]

I got a blonde wig and I had a whole.

[Eldis]

Yeah, what would you have worn? Not this.

[Sarah Sherman]

I have a Von Dutch tank top and a mini skirt with fishnets and a blonde wig. I should have just done it.

[Eldis]

That would have, like, short circuited my brain. I actually see you.

[Sarah Sherman]

You do have to come to snl.

[Eldis]

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I did. I wanted to come. I up. Because I was just up late as one Saturday to the point where I'm never up that late. And I was like. It was like.

[Sarah Sherman]

It's the only thing to do in.

[Eldis]

New York when I was weekend.

[Sarah Sherman]

Oh.

[Eldis]

And I. I was like. And I went to a party, and I was. And I was wired because I never do anything, like, social.

[Sarah Sherman]

Right?

[Eldis]

And I was like. And I didn't go to bed to, like, four.

[Sarah Sherman]

You could have just easily.

[Eldis]

I could have immediately been there. I'm such a idiot.

[Sarah Sherman]

Just come. This is the move for the listeners out. Just come sit in my dressing room. It gets to be 150 degrees in there. You'll be in there with, like, two of my cousins and someone I don't even know.

[Eldis]

Yeah, I don't want that. I don't want that.

[Sarah Sherman]

It'll be great.

[Eldis]

I want. So when.

[Sarah Sherman]

But then you get the experience of. Then I come into the dressing room and Sarah, normal drag. And you like. And then everybody goes like, whoa. And then. And then I go, sorry, you got to go to work. And then you watch the monitor, and it's Me on stage going, you like? Huh?

[Eldis]

What? Well, what I'm saying is, what if you pitched the hose gag? But it's out of my mouth.

[Sarah Sherman]

I reversed. I switched. Comes out of my mouth and pu. Comes out of my ass. Yes.

[Eldis]

I've never seen it come out of anybody's eyes. I've never seen it come out of anybody's ass. That's how you could be the. You could move the. The art form forward.

[Sarah Sherman]

Me and Mikey Day wrote something, and I'm not gonna spoil it because maybe it'll. No, it got cut because it didn't get a single laugh. But we were like animatronics that were puking.

[Eldis]

I love it.

[Sarah Sherman]

And then Louie built us a vomit rig that, like, hooks in your ear like a Bluetooth so that, like, it wouldn't. So it was really, like, in place.

[Eldis]

Nice.

[Sarah Sherman]

So, yeah, we're doing, like, huge technological developments in the vomit rig field, and nobody's buying.

[Eldis]

All I'm saying is, if you don't do a vomit rig by the. Before you leave, it will be a wasted tenure on SNL.

[Sarah Sherman]

Well, obviously, I've written it 800 times. That's it. I write four sketches a week, and they're exactly what you think. They're what you think they're what you can imagine.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Sarah Sherman]

They don't make it past the finish line.

[Eldis]

Of course.

[Sarah Sherman]

Of course.

[Eldis]

We'll get there. We'll get there one of these times.

[Sarah Sherman]

Well, when you host.

[Eldis]

That's right. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I'll bring you back. You'll have been fired by then. Right.

[Sarah Sherman]

You know, for coming on this podcast and talking about how I look beautiful in a wig. Damn. I should have. I should have just done it.

[Eldis]

That would have.

[Sarah Sherman]

I was like. There was something to. I had a busy day today.

[Eldis]

Of course, a lot of press for. We should say Sarah Squirm live in the flesh out. Probably by now when you're listening to it.

[Sarah Sherman]

Well, but not. I told you about my new. The new anxiety that I invented about it.

[Eldis]

Oh, give it.

[Sarah Sherman]

Yeah, it's that I'm worried that when it gets uploaded to the H. Hbo. What if it gets blurry?

[Eldis]

I mean, that's one of the stupidest things I've ever heard.

[Sarah Sherman]

But it's like, I all. Of course.

[Eldis]

Of course, said it's going to get blurry.

[Sarah Sherman]

Well, I'm just. I'm. I'm always, like, inventing a new terrible thing that's happening so that I was worried that it was going to get blurry. What was the other thing I invented? Oh, well, this isn't interesting, but I. Well, this is. Well, this is. Okay, well, now, ogres are like onions. This is a lot of layers.

[Eldis]

The day of the taping are like onions. Okay, we'll get back to that.

[Host]

The classic Long island saying, right?

[Sarah Sherman]

You guys know what I'm talking about. Everyone knows exactly what I'm talking about. I'm coming across as completely clean.

[Eldis]

I understand the layers.

[Sarah Sherman]

Right.

[Eldis]

And the ogre, I guess, is your worry is that.

[Sarah Sherman]

That's like the. From Shrek. He's like, ogres are like.

[Eldis]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[Sarah Sherman]

I mean, for you to pick up on, it would be odd.

[Eldis]

I don't remember that. And I am a Shrek.

[Sarah Sherman]

My mouth is talking like, my mouth is over here and my mind is over here.

[Eldis]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Sarah Sherman]

I. The day of the special, I was convinced I had a new Covid 39 variant, right? So I wasn't testing positive for anything. I didn't have a fever. I just want. I. I said I'm.

[Eldis]

So.

[Sarah Sherman]

I got an IV that morning.

[Eldis]

Oh, I know. I'm the IV king, but I don't think they're good. They are, but why.

[Sarah Sherman]

But why is that better than drinking a vitamin? Why?

[Eldis]

I don't know if it even is better. I just think I have always felt better after doing them. I don't, but I'm just hydrated. Right.

[Sarah Sherman]

But then it's like some anti vax, like, cowboy nurse coming to your house and doing it out of a dirty lunchbox.

[Eldis]

Yeah, that can happen.

[Sarah Sherman]

It's great. But that's what they are. Oh, are you going to the place? Are they.

[Eldis]

Sometimes they go to the place. Sometimes they come.

[Sarah Sherman]

Because I usually get it. Like, it's like an emergency. The shows that night, and they need to come to my house.

[Eldis]

Of course you're freaking out.

[Sarah Sherman]

I'm freaking out. They. They're giving me in, like, in intense. The vibe.

[Eldis]

It is anti vax a little bit, I guess.

[Sarah Sherman]

And it's like.

[Eldis]

They're like, vitamins will heal you. Yes, vitamins.

[Sarah Sherman]

And I'm not working at the hospital anymore. I prefer sort of a private practice.

[Eldis]

Yes, yes, yes. You'll get two. You'll get, like, the most competent nurse you've ever seen in your life trying to make an extra dollar. Or you get someone who's like, medical care has gone crazy.

[Sarah Sherman]

Right.

[Eldis]

You know, this is so much better. I got into some. You know, I got into some scraps over at the er. Cause I. You know, just someone with a real backstory or, like, you know, Like a lady who's been working in shock trauma forever, and to her, this is like a vacation. Giving rich people IVs that are mostly a placebo effect.

[Sarah Sherman]

Right.

[Eldis]

Is basically like, oh, it was either this or try and put a baby's limbs back on.

[Sarah Sherman]

Have you ever asked, like, a former, like, ER doctor or ambulance or emt, have you ever asked any of these people about their word? Every time I meet someone like this, I'm always like, what's the worst thing you've ever seen? And it is always the worst thing you've ever heard. And then you're like, is it bad that I asked?

[Eldis]

Yeah. Well, you like that? Kind of. That's. You're a fetishist.

[Sarah Sherman]

Quite disturbed by it, which is. Wouldn't.

[Eldis]

But you want to know. You do, like, gross shit. Special will have plenty of gross folks.

[Sarah Sherman]

I kind of want you guys to do, like, a live unboxing of it right now. Like, you just watching the opening package, and then you. And then just going like this.

[Eldis]

Yeah. Oh, what the.

[Sarah Sherman]

Oh, that's interesting.

[Eldis]

Holy crap.

[Sarah Sherman]

I think you might like the first two minutes.

[Eldis]

I think I will. How. We will like the special.

[Sarah Sherman]

I think you'll like the first. The first two minutes have something quite interesting that you might enjoy.

[Eldis]

Oh, are there tits in it?

[Sarah Sherman]

There's a lot of tits in the special.

[Eldis]

Mine.

[Sarah Sherman]

But not my. I got an email after the special came out that was, like, from hbo that was like, were any of your real genitals shown? And I got to be like, those are not mine.

[Eldis]

Not dangly enough? Yep.

[Sarah Sherman]

Yeah, those are not my real genitals, but there are.

[Eldis]

Jenna does that kind of. That's kind of.

[Sarah Sherman]

That's. That's quite interesting, isn't it?

[Eldis]

Yeah. I mean, we've. I do think there's a weird thing where you're not allowed to show real genitals, but you can show fake ones.

[Sarah Sherman]

Right?

[Eldis]

Which is, again, we've talked about ad nauseam about. Let's start a cult. They wouldn't let me show my real balls. I'm still mad to this day.

[Sarah Sherman]

Wait, why?

[Eldis]

Little n. I don't know. Because you can't. You can't show real balls. And I.

[Sarah Sherman]

But on what? Like, on. On the streaming.

[Eldis]

I don't even know. I guess I don't know, because we're rated. We're on. It's an unrated movie. We never got rated. We made $0.1 million at the box office. It's not like. It's not like it was like, by.

[Sarah Sherman]

The way, for A second. I went 0.1.

[Eldis]

I think it was a little more than that, but not much, folks. But yeah, I don't know. I guess because they wanted to sell it to a streamer, but it's like, well, then let me shoot it with my real balls and then swap them out. Have a. Have a Hulu cut, right? And have the direct.

[Sarah Sherman]

Oh, it's on Hulu. Yeah. You can't have nuts on Hulu, everybody.

[Eldis]

Why is that? I guess now it's Disney. You're right.

[Sarah Sherman]

And just like I. I do kinds.

[Eldis]

Of kindness was on Hulu, which is hilarious.

[Sarah Sherman]

Is there nuts and balls?

[Eldis]

Have you seen. It's good. No, you'd like it. And there's some wild in there.

[Sarah Sherman]

Oh, okay.

[Eldis]

Yeah.

[Sarah Sherman]

Me with a good time. But I. I got an IV the day of the special. And then when we were color correcting it, you know, we're like, bumping the saturation up. Looks, whatever.

[Eldis]

Let's make this jizz whiter.

[Sarah Sherman]

Well, this was the problem when. When you saturate things too much, the whites become yellow. So this became an interesting balancing act, which you'll see in this special. It was funny. It would be like, I. The labia. I feel like we're losing the labia in this. It's a lot of cutting around that. Right, right.

[Eldis]

That's fun.

[Sarah Sherman]

It was fun. But I. I got an IV that day, and because of the color correction, we made all the reds really pop, and you can just see, like, a red oozing IV port for the whole special.

[Eldis]

That's hilarious. You didn't do a little makeup on it?

[Sarah Sherman]

I just didn't. No one could.

[Eldis]

The.

[Sarah Sherman]

The. Halfway through my second show, I'm like, I'm on. I'm on stage. I'm talking. I'm shaking my ass.

[Eldis]

Yeah, yeah.

[Sarah Sherman]

All the lights break.

[Eldis]

That happened at JP Spot. We did it.

[Sarah Sherman]

Really?

[Eldis]

We produced JP Special at the Bell House. The exact same thing happened to us. They kept going on and off. Are you fucking kidding me?

[Host]

Oh, my God.

[Eldis]

That happened again.

[Sarah Sherman]

Wait, when was this?

[Eldis]

This was. I mean, last year.

[Sarah Sherman]

Oh, yeah. No, that exactly happened. And I'm on stage going like, that's. And they had to pull me off for 20 minutes in the middle of, like, the best.

[Eldis]

You know, it's funny that we were like. We just kept powering through it, but I wish we had stopped.

[Host]

We should have done that. Why?

[Sarah Sherman]

Because you couldn't use the.

[Eldis]

We could use it. But he was also crushing. It was the same thing where the second show's better. Every. He's JP was fucking destroying. And the special came out great, don't get wrong. But we had to cut. And some of the jokes just. We got lucky with the timing, but some of them. It was like. It just up the SEC. The back half of his. Poor JP.

[Host]

JP's a pro, but he went on for, like, 40 minutes. Like, then the lights were switching off, like, every six minutes or something.

[Eldis]

That's insane. That. That happened again.

[Sarah Sherman]

It was. I went, I don't think. I'm not a diva deluxe. But I went, no, I mean, that's. It was. And also we had to stop.

[Eldis]

That never happened. We do shows the bells all the time. That's never happened once. The two specials that we've been involved with that both happened, you know, it.

[Host]

Was the worst part. After it was done, they, like, switched the lights on and off and that fixed it.

[Eldis]

Yeah.

[Host]

And then it stopped doing that for, like, the rest of the night. While we were in there, it was.

[Sarah Sherman]

Can they. Maybe it's just, like, too much because. Because mine had. I have, like, crazy. So there's, like, carnival lights. And, like, I was like, oh, we're like, overpowering the system you got. You know, I. At the end of the day, ultimately, it was kind of good for me because Pepsi. Pepsi, burp. Give me reverb.

[Eldis]

Mark that.

[Sarah Sherman]

Hey, can you get that?

[Eldis]

They.

[Sarah Sherman]

The. The. The. Because I'm, like, running around and, like, screaming and hyperventilating and sweating. I actually got to catch my breath.

[Eldis]

Because they had seemed like a more dynamic performer. Yes. You like James Brown when you come back.

[Sarah Sherman]

I come back, and all of a sudden it's like, I'm not James Brown. They wipe me off. I'm less sweaty.

[Eldis]

True, true, true.

[Sarah Sherman]

But my. My director kept. All my jokes are like, I'm ugly, I'm sweaty, I stink. And my director was like, I think we have to hose you down in the middle of the show because you're dry as a bone. And you're stunning, by the way. I know, I know.

[Eldis]

It's all right. This next one.

[Sarah Sherman]

Yeah, the next.

[Eldis]

Next one.

[Sarah Sherman]

Did you take a break after your special?

[Eldis]

Not really, no. In fact, I really didn't. Too much like the second one I did right after we took a. I took a much longer break between. I'm currently working on the third one. And it. That's a. That's a longer. That was a much longer process. I mean, what. The last one came out when? Last summer was it. No, it was December.

[Host]

Oh, yeah.

[Eldis]

December 6th.

[Host]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Eldis]

So December 6th was that last year? Yeah, that was. It was just a year ago. Damn. That's crazy. That is kind of crazy. I thought I. I did. I know. That was. That was two years ago.

[Sarah Sherman]

Take a break, didn't you?

[Eldis]

Kind of. I took like five months, wasn't it? I'm pretty sure. No, I think it was two years ago.

[Sarah Sherman]

Because since I did the show, I have not. I have. No, that's not true. I've mostly taken a break. I have no dates on the calendar.

[Eldis]

But you're on. You're on snl. You have a job.

[Sarah Sherman]

Yeah, that's true. What? Yeah, you're acting crazy.

[Eldis]

Yeah, you're working for the man. Dude. NBC Universal.

[Sarah Sherman]

It's kind of nice. Someone tells me where to go and what to do. Y' all jealous? You know, who tells you where to go, what to do?

[Eldis]

That's right. And he loves it.

[Host]

He's like, we're doing two podcasts tonight.

[Eldis]

I'm like, hey, Elvis, I know you plan getting dinner with your wife, who's only in town this week, but I kind of want to do a podcast and immediately get high. And I figure, what, are we going to get high like friends? No, we're going to record that and make that a podcast, too. Everything. Okay, little buddy, let's do it. 2026 New Year. Big goals. No time to cook Factor makes it easy with fully prepared meals designed by dietitians and crafted by chefs so you can eat well without the shopping or cooking. Factor's always fresh, never frozen. Meals are made with quality functional ingredients, including lean proteins, colorful veggies, whole foods, and healthy fats. No refined sugars, no artificial sweeteners, no refined seed oils. Just meals that fit your goals and schedules. I've been dabbling with Factor. They help support me. You know, I'm always trying to get Stavi gets ripped. We're on season four or five. I can't even keep track. I love factor meals. I'm a steak guy. Their filet mignon is secretly very tender, very juicy. You wouldn't think a meal delivery service could get it this way, but it's good, baby. That peppercorn spice, filet mignon and low carb calorie smart high protein. I'm dabbling with all the high protein calorie smarts. I like the cowboy burger and smashed beans. A lot of very interesting stuff on this menu. You're going to love it. It helps. Keeps me satiated. So why don't you be like me? Head to FactorMeals.com Stavi 50 off and use code Stavi50OFF to get 50% off your first Factor box plus free breakfast for one year offer only valid for new factor customers with code and qualifying auto renewing subscription purchase. Make health healthier eating easy with factor folks. It's a new year. A time to tackle new challenges. To finally do what you always have been dream of doing. 2026 is the year to launch your business. The year you transform into an entrepreneur, a founder, a boss. One powerful move puts your future firmly in your hands. Starting a business with Shopify. Shopify gives you all the tools to easily build your dream store. Choose from hundreds of beautiful templates that you can customize to match your brand. Your swag marketing is built in to create email and social campaigns that reach customers wherever they scroll. Shopify completely changed my online business. I used to sell my own merch. I had no way to really keep track of it. I was probably losing money on it. Now Stavi baby, our online store, selling our calendar, selling our T shirts, powered by Shopify has made has really been a way for us to make a ton of money. You're going to love it. It's expanded our business. It'll expand yours too in 2026. Stop waiting and start selling with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.comstavvi go to shopify.comstavi that's shopify.comstavi S T A V-V Y hear the sound of your first sale this new year with Shopify by your side.

[Sarah Sherman]

Should I break my weed sobriety?

[Eldis]

Yeah, you want to, you want to, you want to stay? You want to stay and do a podcast that'll come out before this one?

[Sarah Sherman]

And why would that be now? Why would that come out before this?

[Eldis]

It's a Patreon exclusive. Kushmas brothers. It's already happened. Everyone's had a great time. Sarah was on it or she wasn't, right? We're not sure. Maybe she makes a quick appearance, right? It is fun. I don't know. Were you. Were you? You were. Were you ever a weed guy?

[Sarah Sherman]

I was a weed guy in college. I had a bomb.

[Eldis]

Oh yeah? What kind of bong? Was it like a crazy one?

[Sarah Sherman]

It was like a crazy, like fat, short, thick bomb.

[Eldis]

Love that.

[Sarah Sherman]

And I. And then it just. You just reached. I just experienced ego death on weed. And I was like, weed is the hardest drug known to man and I will never do it again. And I haven't. I haven't smoked weed since I got crossfaded and watched Rap World before its release.

[Eldis]

That's the time to do it.

[Sarah Sherman]

And I was like. And Jack was showing us a cut of Rap World, and I was like.

[Eldis]

Yeah, that's a great thing to be stoned for, too.

[Sarah Sherman]

But I don't come back from weed.

[Eldis]

What do you mean?

[Sarah Sherman]

I'm just.

[Eldis]

You're just done?

[Sarah Sherman]

I'm just. I'm googling heart attack. It's just. It's not good.

[Eldis]

So. So you weren't. As a kid, though. You weren't. You never smoked weed, like, when you were, like, on Long Island?

[Sarah Sherman]

Not real? No, not really. No.

[Eldis]

What were you doing? Did you ever act out? Do you ever act a fool?

[Sarah Sherman]

I would. I was a head lifeguard.

[Eldis]

Wow. Okay.

[Sarah Sherman]

I was a head lifeguard for five years.

[Eldis]

Did you swim competitively in school?

[Sarah Sherman]

A little bit, yeah.

[Eldis]

To save people's lives.

[Sarah Sherman]

And. Well, when I was 16, my dad's like, you're getting your working papers. I don't care what it is. So then I just ended up being a lifeguard, and it was like, all the popular girls and the football players and the volunteer firefighters.

[Eldis]

Oh, interesting. And were there any lifeguard romances for you? Come on, dish.

[Sarah Sherman]

So, like, though, I did, like, a little partying in high school because it was like all the hot lifeguards were doing it.

[Eldis]

Yeah. I'm one of them.

[Sarah Sherman]

Yeah. What's good?

[Eldis]

Yeah, yeah. This is pre. This haircut.

[Sarah Sherman]

This is. No, I was pretty.

[Eldis]

You're rocking his hair.

[Sarah Sherman]

This haircut, but the. The rest.

[Eldis]

Something to throw people off.

[Sarah Sherman]

Yes. Yeah, I was still throwing people off.

[Host]

This off.

[Eldis]

You're trying to. Yeah, I got you.

[Sarah Sherman]

Yeah, I was still. You know, I'm wearing.

[Eldis]

You're unique. You got. You're letting people know you're different. You're like, I'm not going to let you get to know me. I'm going to make it obvious by.

[Sarah Sherman]

Sight that I'm going to dress like Grandma Yenta from the Nanny, Even though I'm 17 years old and you're going to like it.

[Eldis]

The Nanny. What a show. What a show. I mean, Fran Drescher that.

[Sarah Sherman]

I mean, that's the most stunning woman. Saying that's the most stunning woman.

[Eldis]

It's like her. It's like she's the Jewish version of Marissa Tomei.

[Sarah Sherman]

Yeah.

[Eldis]

The Italian version.

[Sarah Sherman]

Italians. Parallelogram is on a square, you know.

[Eldis]

Sure, sure, sure.

[Sarah Sherman]

It's kind of the same.

[Eldis]

Italians would be pissed to hear that. But you're right.

[Sarah Sherman]

You guys like it. We have the same female arm hair.

[Eldis]

Interesting. That is true. I mean Greeks, Greeks and Italians. There's a closer line there as well. I think you're picking up on the Tri State. Sort of like that type of Jewish girl is very similar to. It's really just being from Jersey or Long Island. It's really what you're talking is having dark being a brunette from Jersey online or Long island is what you're talking about. But we digress. You're dressing like the. The nanny or the nanny's mom, who was a great character.

[Sarah Sherman]

Yeah, exactly. And she was basically like the bubbles from Trailer Park Boys of the nanny.

[Eldis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they had the gay butler, uptight girlfriend of the. Of the guy.

[Sarah Sherman]

She's why you're a queer icon.

[Eldis]

I love that show.

[Sarah Sherman]

It's a. It's legit funny.

[Eldis]

It's legitimately very funny. It holds up fully.

[Sarah Sherman]

She's again the most stunning woman I've ever seen.

[Eldis]

She's so hot.

[Sarah Sherman]

Full head to toe, neon Moschino. Every episode. She's wearing Todd Oldham. She looks amazing. Best episode, Lamb chop makes an appearance.

[Eldis]

I was a big Lamb chop guy. I was a big. I know, I know. Yeah, it's. I loved Lamb Chop until that whole Hanukkah episode.

[Sarah Sherman]

Jewish women. You do?

[Eldis]

I do, yeah, yeah.

[Sarah Sherman]

Sherry. Sherry Lewis, Jewish woman.

[Eldis]

I like. Well, I do. I mean, look, Jew. Jew comedy. Jewish people, right? It's just like. Of course.

[Sarah Sherman]

Right?

[Eldis]

I'm all in there. And there is a. There is something to that. What you said earlier about the like Italian, like the dark haired, loud mouthed Greek women are sort of like that too. So it's like I, I get right. Got right into that. And there was something. And I went to, I went to Baltimore City public schools and so the only like white kids were like. It was like mostly Jewish Jewish kids.

[Sarah Sherman]

So like not even white. Right, guys?

[Eldis]

Yeah, yeah.

[Sarah Sherman]

Right guys?

[Eldis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're working on that. We're working on not you guys not being white anymore. It's about halfway. It's loading.

[Sarah Sherman]

I got something too, right, guys?

[Eldis]

Yeah, you especially. I look at you, I'm like, that's not a white person dressed in clown pants.

[Sarah Sherman]

You know what? And I, I was like, if I show up in a blonde wig and.

[Eldis]

You would have crushed it, I would respect you. I'd be like, there wouldn't even. What's going on. There wouldn't even be a conversation about what value is.

[Sarah Sherman]

Like, you would be like, love the special. Watch the whole trainer.

[Eldis]

Got to check the special out. I mean, this is some of the. The funniest stuff I've ever seen.

[Sarah Sherman]

Damn. I really. I up. I was like, ah, it's a.

[Eldis]

Next time. You have to. You have to something like, your next appearance has to be.

[Sarah Sherman]

I showed up to this, like, white, freezing cold apartment in the middle of me. It gets a little hot blonde wig and a little skirt. It would. That's. That. I would have felt like I'm in a porno. This is porn.

[Eldis]

Lights.

[Sarah Sherman]

This is porn. Lights. It's porn couch.

[Eldis]

Me and Eldis definitely don't have a. He doesn't look like the guy behind the camera. I don't look like. I don't look like the producer. Slash on camera talent. All right, we're doing Ron Jeremy, but his dick is small. You know the problem with Ron Jeremy? That dick is just too unapproachable. Most guys check out, but they want him to be fat. They want to look exactly like him, but with a dick that's a third the size.

[Sarah Sherman]

You know, Ron Jeremy. At least he showed his nuts on tv.

[Eldis]

That's true.

[Sarah Sherman]

What's your damage, dude?

[Eldis]

I'm. I try again. I tried to show my nuts. I tried, right? And I actually tried, like, to the point where people like, oh. Like, I was gonna. Like, I didn't. I didn't care if it was a closed set. I was like, I don't fucking. Everybody can look at my nuts. Oh, my God.

[Sarah Sherman]

No. This is the breakfast scene. This is the breakfast scene.

[Eldis]

And I was like. I was pre. Like, I did realize, like, oh, doing a movie is having a job. And it's kind of like being in an office because I had the prosthetic nuts. And I was just going up to, like, the DP and being like, hey, dude, check this out. And he's like, ah.

[Sarah Sherman]

Like, he hated it.

[Eldis]

And I was like, up t. I'm going, like, the hair and makeup ladies. I'm like, check out these fucking nuts gals. And they're loving it because they're cool.

[Caller 1]

Right?

[Eldis]

Right? But yeah, there were people on the. The sound guy didn't like it. We. They weren't. By the end.

[Sarah Sherman]

You made the mic. Your nuts.

[Eldis]

I made. I was like, can you write down the seam? Can you hide. Can you hide the mic right in the seam? My balls will envelop it. Yeah, that's right. You need to do more seam work. Work, not seam work. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's something I. That's like what I'm writing. That's me writing for you is like a gag about somebody's like balls, like the balls, like turning inside out, you.

[Sarah Sherman]

Know, I've done that.

[Eldis]

Okay, well, I'll take it back.

[Sarah Sherman]

And I used chicken skin.

[Eldis]

Great minds. That's a great call.

[Sarah Sherman]

And I slashed open the nut sack and the balls were eyeballs.

[Eldis]

I actually, you know what? I've seen that.

[Sarah Sherman]

You know, I think about testicular torsion every day of my life. I have phantom ball because, you know, you just. Do you ever just, like, think about what it would be like to just have big, huge tits?

[Eldis]

Not really.

[Sarah Sherman]

I think about. I just can't imagine that you.

[Eldis]

I would want to look, I want to. I. I don't want to be attracted to myself.

[Sarah Sherman]

Right.

[Eldis]

You know what I mean? If I had big juicy tits on my body, that would never leave the porn mansion. That would just be weird. I wouldn't like that at all.

[Sarah Sherman]

I just can't imagine sitting down and there's nuts there.

[Eldis]

Yeah. I. I do envy how aerodynamic women sitting. How aerodynamic women sitting down is. There's never. Yeah. Not worried. I've sat on my nuts. It's horrible.

[Sarah Sherman]

You know, like, if you were to.

[Eldis]

Just like plop down and I'm also like, would you not.

[Sarah Sherman]

Where are your nuts?

[Eldis]

It's possible that your nuts could be. If you're not wearing the right underwear. They could, you could sit on your balls. Mr. Belvedere, the chica, famously.

[Sarah Sherman]

Yes.

[Eldis]

Sat on his own ball so hard they had to delay production for like three days. They shut down production. And I, I also envy women never have, like. Because presenting your dick is also a nerve wracking moment if your dick's not looking real. You know what I mean? Like, you don't want to pull out a soft ass, little ass dick.

[Sarah Sherman]

That stinks.

[Eldis]

Bringing it out. I'm always a little, you know, for the first time, you want to be fluffed up. Women don't. Women don't have that.

[Sarah Sherman]

I don't have amazing boobs.

[Eldis]

Sure, sure. Hey, it's not the same, though we're talking. It's not the same because everyone, Everyone at least, like, it's like everything is kind of outwardly the dick is a big surprise that matters. Right. Whereas, like, everyone, by the time you're about to fuck a lady, you've kind of. You've thought about it quite a bit.

[Sarah Sherman]

You know, it's not gonna be a curveball in a way that it could be.

[Eldis]

Yeah, like you. Exactly. Exactly.

[Sarah Sherman]

Yeah.

[Eldis]

So. But you know, whatever. That.

[Sarah Sherman]

I don't have a penis envy or anything like that. Just have ball. I. I'm Ball curious.

[Eldis]

They are fun.

[Sarah Sherman]

Just curious.

[Eldis]

In terms of genitals and sexual organs. They are the. The goofiest.

[Sarah Sherman]

Right.

[Eldis]

Almost the most innocent ones. Balls are actually pretty funny. And getting kicked in the ball, like, right. As a kid, like, you'll mention your balls as, like, a little kid in a way that you would never like. Like, no one's talking about getting kicked in the dick or pussy as a kid, but they're talking about getting kicked in the balls. That's something that's ever present, I think. And you don't necessarily need to involve them in sex, so they can just be innocent bystanders to the whole thing.

[Sarah Sherman]

They're almost like, it shouldn't be the Achilles heel. It should be the Achilles ball.

[Eldis]

The Achilles ball.

[Sarah Sherman]

Because they're more.

[Eldis]

You're right. That is the most vulnerable. Achilles should have been on all fours and his sacks should have been swinging low and fucking. They should have hit it just like that.

[Sarah Sherman]

And see, now I'm thinking about the torsion. That could just happen.

[Eldis]

Your nuts gets.

[Sarah Sherman]

They swap.

[Eldis]

A good friend, a good friend of the podcast has had his ball when, as a little kid had his balls all turned up.

[Sarah Sherman]

And I do. I have phantom pain. I know exactly what it feels like.

[Eldis]

You think you know what it feels like? I don't think you do.

[Sarah Sherman]

I felt it. I judged. Did you see that? I felt it.

[Eldis]

I don't. The ball.

[Sarah Sherman]

Such an impact.

[Eldis]

I really am.

[Sarah Sherman]

I really am. I just know what it feels.

[Eldis]

Sure, sure.

[Sarah Sherman]

It's a shooting pain that goes up, like, through. Like, I feel. I felt.

[Eldis]

Shooting is right.

[Sarah Sherman]

Like an electric blue jolt.

[Eldis]

Yeah, there's a jolt to it, but there's also a. A numbness that lasts too long. You know, it's. Ball pain really is the weirdest. There's got to be an equivalent. I don't know what it is, but.

[Host]

When you have some ball pain, there's like a kind of consistent feeling of like, you need to adjust your underwear and you just can't. And that makes you, like, feel a little crazy. You know what I'm talking about?

[Eldis]

Not really. That's the craziest thing.

[Sarah Sherman]

But you can have ball. Just ball pain. Like, oh, my balls hurt.

[Eldis]

Not really. It's either really intense or, you know, they get sticky. They do. They can get sticky, sure. In the. In the heat, they elongate. You know, if it's hot. That's what I'm saying. The Trojan War. It was probably hot out there. Achilles worked, worked up a sweat. His nuts are probably hanging low.

[Sarah Sherman]

Right.

[Eldis]

And the Older you get. That is a funny aspect too. Old guys, balls hanging low as hell. Just cut them off.

[Sarah Sherman]

What do you need them for?

[Eldis]

Cut your nuts off. But we could figure out ways to. Why not nutsack rejuvenation. You know, why not? The way like people's. Get their. Get a facelift. Get a nut lift.

[Sarah Sherman]

Can you wear just a sack hammock.

[Eldis]

Great question. You probably could. Sharks. Sharks what we have for you today. And for that reason I'm in a bidding war.

[Sarah Sherman]

They have to have invented this.

[Eldis]

I think I have seen something. If you're. If your nuts are injured, you can kind of have like a Look that up Elders. Like a nut sling. You had some ball issues. You had one giant homunculus nut.

[Host]

Pretty up. I had a. I had a UTI that turned into like a ball.

[Eldis]

The listeners know. Eldis, you know, we don't have to.

[Sarah Sherman]

Sarah. Sarah is an active listener.

[Host]

Basically, I got like epididymitis, which made my left nut sack like big as a lemon. Like crazy swollen. Like I was.

[Eldis]

It enveloped his dick?

[Host]

Yeah, it like. It like got so big. It pushed like my, My. My dick skin up and like my dick just disappeared within me.

[Eldis]

Yeah. So it was at least 4cm big. You.

[Host]

It was up.

[Eldis]

Yeah.

[Sarah Sherman]

What's epididymitis?

[Eldis]

It doesn't matter exactly. Some kind of. Some kind of ball infection from a yeast infection.

[Host]

Thankfully I passed. I pat, you know, it passed, but maybe that's how.

[Eldis]

Are you nuts? Let's do a little check in. Are your nuts normal, you think?

[Sarah Sherman]

Did you have to wear a skirt?

[Eldis]

Kilt? He pretended to be Scottish.

[Host]

I could weirdly, like, walk through it. It wasn't that intrusive when I was.

[Sarah Sherman]

Walking, but the size of a lemon.

[Host]

It was. It got like, crazy, like, scary.

[Sarah Sherman]

You were ball pregnant?

[Host]

Yeah.

[Eldis]

Yeah. His nut was out of control.

[Host]

Yeah, it was up.

[Eldis]

He was podcasting through it though. A real trooper again. He knows where his bread is buttered. He wasn't as.

[Sarah Sherman]

Stavi. I'm sorry I'm late. Do you need any twisted teeth?

[Host]

Well, I put a hemorrhoid pillow down on the fucking producer's chair.

[Eldis]

Riff eldest. I don't care if your nuts hurt. Riff right now. Interesting. Yeah. So you have nut envy. Well, maybe one day you should get some, like, press. I should have kept the prosthetics and given them to you to wear.

[Sarah Sherman]

I've made balls of my own.

[Eldis]

Okay, so you've know. You know.

[Sarah Sherman]

But I've never. It's not the same.

[Eldis]

I get. You sure it's not curious now. Going back to, you know, let's get back to being a lifeguard. You know, maybe you saw some balls in one of these. In one of those bikini. Bikini briefs.

[Sarah Sherman]

Maybe you were I. Lifeguard party. Lifeguard. So cool. All the athletes. Whatever. Whatever. The quarterback of the football team.

[Eldis]

Wow.

[Sarah Sherman]

Asked me out.

[Eldis]

Wow.

[Sarah Sherman]

And I said, no, no, no.

[Eldis]

Wow.

[Sarah Sherman]

And then everybody's like, sarah, you're not gonna do better than that. Just go out with him. It's just. And I was like, I don't know. I'm not into him.

[Eldis]

Yeah.

[Sarah Sherman]

No disrespect. He was bald at 16. No disrespect.

[Eldis]

Okay. Why are you looking at me when you say that? I don't understand what you mean.

[Sarah Sherman]

No disrespect.

[Host]

He's bald.

[Sarah Sherman]

16.

[Eldis]

Quarterback, though.

[Sarah Sherman]

No disrespect. He was short. No one's short here. He.

[Eldis]

And it just.

[Sarah Sherman]

We weren't really vibing.

[Eldis]

The quarterback was bald and short. Jewish kid on Long Island.

[Sarah Sherman]

Long island football team. It's a Jewish Long island football team. Do you think there's a Jewish Adonis?

[Eldis]

I don't know. Me. Who knows?

[Sarah Sherman]

But I just. I don't. I literally was like, oh, like, he's a jock. Like, I'm an artist.

[Eldis]

I got my eye on the stage manager of the. Of the. Of the theater department. That was you?

[Sarah Sherman]

Yeah.

[Eldis]

You're like, I don't want this guy.

[Sarah Sherman]

I was.

[Eldis]

I want the guy who's helping do quick changes for.

[Sarah Sherman]

Yeah, I. I. Well, I have my eyes on the English teacher.

[Eldis]

Hell, yeah. It was a young English teacher.

[Sarah Sherman]

He had a red and white beard, and he would smoke a pipe in his car in the parking lot, and he would wear Snoopy ties.

[Eldis]

Okay. And then. So you're my best friend.

[Sarah Sherman]

Emily would watch him smoke his pipe in his car and be like, God, that must be what, like, professors are like, so. Yeah.

[Eldis]

Wow.

[Sarah Sherman]

I've held on to the fact that the quarterback asked me out in high.

[Eldis]

School, but also, he's five six, and bald.

[Sarah Sherman]

I know, but I got to hang my hat on that for. I'm still hanging my hat on it.

[Eldis]

But you didn't even so much as jerk his little dick off or anything.

[Sarah Sherman]

No, because. Because, again, he was a jock. I wasn't gonna jerk off a jock. I was really like that.

[Eldis]

I believe. I totally believe you.

[Sarah Sherman]

I was like. I was raka. He was a jock.

[Eldis]

Right, Right. She. Yeah, he was a boy.

[Sarah Sherman]

Yeah, exactly.

[Eldis]

Yeah. You said, see you later.

[Sarah Sherman]

I wonder, like. Yeah, I've thought about it so much.

[Eldis]

About this particular guy.

[Sarah Sherman]

Yeah.

[Eldis]

This is a sliding doors moment in your life.

[Sarah Sherman]

I've just.

[Eldis]

If you get figured by the by a bald 16 year old. How does your life.

[Sarah Sherman]

Would it have just been different?

[Host]

I'm. I'm imagining Sarah saying no when he asked her out. And then the end of the night at that party is like the end of Carrie. You're just like covered in pig's blood. And that's where Sarah Squirm was born.

[Sarah Sherman]

He makes the fire hose spray me with diarrhea.

[Eldis]

Yeah. Do you think it'd be different? You think you would be like teaching theater and he'd have like a small accounting firm on Long Island? Yeah. You think you would just. Because it's true. You could just. Just channel this into dressing like the nanny.

[Sarah Sherman]

Right.

[Eldis]

There is a Long island version of you that's a housewife.

[Sarah Sherman]

I've never in my. In. I swear. I swear to God, never in my life has that idea even crossed my mind.

[Eldis]

But it doesn't. It didn't. I didn't think about it until now. But it's like that is sort of like that loud dressing. There's like that.

[Sarah Sherman]

That's that entirely informed where she would talk about on the show how she would shop at Filene's basement. I so I would make my aunt go to Filing's basement. She wore a head to toe mosquito. So it's like that was the one designer I knew about.

[Eldis]

Sure.

[Sarah Sherman]

I. I would. I would do. I do anything for her. I. Anything. She ate wasabi on the show. I tried wasabi at sushi place. That was my girl.

[Eldis]

Yeah.

[Sarah Sherman]

That's what puts and put some respect on her name. President.

[Eldis]

Negotiated the new deal. Exactly. Now we got Rudy. Now we got Sean. Whatever his name.

[Sarah Sherman]

You should run for SAG president.

[Eldis]

Me, I've been in one movie. I've been in what. Yeah. To a one real movie and by starting calls a real movie that's coming out and I guess three movies. I guess I was in an HBO movie. Four movies.

[Sarah Sherman]

HBO movie.

[Eldis]

I'm an HBO streamer. I was. I did one scene where I'm the weird guy on the bus for a rom com between like 22 year olds.

[Sarah Sherman]

Put some respect on.

[Eldis]

Shout out to sweetheart. Caleb Herron plays a college freshman in that. It's him, Kieran and Shipka and Nico. I forget Nico's last name. But two 24 year olds and Caleb.

[Sarah Sherman]

Any time an audition comes across my desk and they do and please keep sending them, please. I'll do full frontal. I don't Care. Much to Stav's dismay. I'll do full frontal. I'll do full backal. I'll do anal. I'll do anything. Anytime an audition comes that's like, whatever. 30s, I'm like, can we not?

[Eldis]

What's this about?

[Sarah Sherman]

What's this about?

[Eldis]

I can play 28.

[Sarah Sherman]

I bet I. Oh, my agent called our agent.

[Eldis]

Oh, okay.

[Sarah Sherman]

And there was a movie that I.

[Eldis]

Remind me to get a new agent. They're clearly not working for people.

[Host]

Stretched a little thin over there.

[Sarah Sherman]

Movie I really want to be in. He's like, yeah, the director's telling me there's no parts for you. And I'm like, what do you mean? He's like, well, it takes place at a high school. I go, I'll do a high schooler. And he was like, oh, you mean. I'm like, yeah, I can do it.

[Eldis]

You thought you were gonna play a student or like a teacher.

[Sarah Sherman]

I wanna be in the movie so badly that I was like, put me in coach for high score. And he had to legit. He had to be like, come on.

[Eldis]

Look, I know my job is to lie to you, right? But you're stretching that right. I'm an immortal. My whole job is immoral. And it's about lying to my clients and pretending I think high, higher of them, when really they're just a means to 10 of a check and I don't really care.

[Sarah Sherman]

And the whole agency is somehow. What, the money? We don't know the. Listen, bleep. Cut this out.

[Eldis]

No, this is gonna stay in. But even you are stretching even my ability to make. To pump you up delusionally.

[Sarah Sherman]

I feel like I could.

[Eldis]

You think you could play a high school student?

[Sarah Sherman]

Hear me out. Hear me out. Hear me out. Hear me out there. Hear me out. Some teenagers today vape a lot. Okay, So I think, right, that vaping causes early onset skin age.

[Eldis]

Like, if a kid grew up in a smokestack something and vaped all the time, you could maybe play her. Right, Right, right, right, right. She has some kind of disease. Chimney sweep. It aged her prematurely. And everyone's like, oh, look, there's up Face Sarah.

[Sarah Sherman]

Right, exactly.

[Eldis]

The dumb who's 16 but looks so up. Up. Yeah, you could play that. Yeah, yeah.

[Sarah Sherman]

Like, I mean, Sabrina the teenage witch. She was like, 30.

[Eldis]

Yeah, I guess.

[Sarah Sherman]

And the cameras were blurry. Which brings me to. Right, like my fashion, your fear.

[Eldis]

Oh, it all comes back.

[Sarah Sherman]

Well, TV used to be blurry. That was just.

[Eldis]

Everything wasn't high def.

[Sarah Sherman]

Right. And I think we don't need to see a porn studio. These don't need to be be. So.

[Eldis]

I agree.

[Sarah Sherman]

Sometimes, seeing all that.

[Eldis]

I agree. Yeah.

[Sarah Sherman]

And if the cameras were less porn cameras, then I could be playing 16, my role.

[Eldis]

You know, they.

[Sarah Sherman]

That's what it used to be. TV was blurry. You could get. Buffy was. Well, Buffy was. But yeah, right.

[Eldis]

When I think Buffy, I think. When I think. When I think Sarah Michelle Geller while playing Buffy, right? I'm like, who. Which one of my friends reminds me me the most? Sarah Sherman.

[Sarah Sherman]

I just could use. I could use the Irishman filter. Yesterday, I could see you played.

[Eldis]

I mean, you did. You've already gone through this, though. You played a rabbi. You played.

[Sarah Sherman]

I'm not kidding. It said on the thing, rabbi, 30s. And I went, do we have to.

[Eldis]

Rub it in and do your. To be fair, though, when I saw that, I was like, huh, that's weird. For a second, I thought that because.

[Sarah Sherman]

I was so young, but then I.

[Eldis]

Was like, oh, no, of course. But listen, knee jerk. I was like, sarah's playing a rabbi. She's too young. And then. But then my senses caught up to me, and I was like, wait, no, of course she's not. That's like. That's also what I'm going through. I'm like, I'll never play a young person on camera. I just played. I just played a guy who was, like, a few years older than Jesse Plemons. Jesse is a year older than me. You know what I mean? I'll always. I will never. I'll play like dads. I'll play up old guys, right? You know, and that's fine. That's our lives.

[Sarah Sherman]

I'm a comedian. Okay? First, above all else, at the end of the day, God's honest truth, I am on this planet to attempt to extract laughter. Attempt. It's not always gonna happen, but I'm gonna attempt.

[Eldis]

Yeah.

[Sarah Sherman]

Do I just get Of. Can I just get a lower facelift?

[Eldis]

No, you look great. Stop. Stop fishing.

[Sarah Sherman]

But no, no, no, no, no, no. This is not. I'm say, I'm. I'm talking brass tax here. You're a hustler. You're in grindset mindset.

[Eldis]

Yeah.

[Sarah Sherman]

I'm just saying, if I.

[Eldis]

If.

[Sarah Sherman]

If acting bag is maybe want to try to do some acting bag, right? I'm just. I'm just talking.

[Eldis]

No, no, no, no. Right. First of all, I wouldn't start with a face flip. I got a. Some facelifts, and I go, no, shut the up.

[Sarah Sherman]

That I go, but that.

[Eldis]

You're so stupid. It's crazy. The fact that you think that's what's holding you back is a fa. You think you're going to get hot vixen rolls if you get a facelift?

[Sarah Sherman]

That's not even it. I just want to play a high schooler in a.

[Eldis]

No, you can play a high school assistant principal.

[Sarah Sherman]

Right.

[Eldis]

You know, you can for longer. You don't need a facelift.

[Sarah Sherman]

But. But I'm gonna. When the cameras stop rolling, I'll tell you guys the movie, and then you'll be like, get a facelift tomorrow.

[Eldis]

First of all, you're just not gonna.

[Sarah Sherman]

Be in the movie.

[Eldis]

So let's just.

[Sarah Sherman]

I'm not. I'm not above begging. If I see a director of a movie on the street, I'd be like, hey, I'm free. Yeah, I don't care.

[Eldis]

Whatever the movie is.

[Sarah Sherman]

Yeah.

[Eldis]

The facelift doesn't get you in the movie. I promise you that. True, true. You're going up. There's botched. You do it real fast.

[Sarah Sherman]

That. If I got botched, it would be amazing.

[Eldis]

You would love that. I would love to get botched plastic surgery.

[Sarah Sherman]

I tried to get, like, nipples on my ass. Oh, my God, my butt's green now. Can't sit.

[Eldis]

No, no, no. You're too. You're not. You shouldn't get surgery. That's stupid. I am curious, though, about you.

[Sarah Sherman]

You're a turncoat because you got a fake tooth.

[Eldis]

I think it's a little different. Different than a facelift at 30? Whatever you. However you are.

[Sarah Sherman]

Yeah, but you all.

[Eldis]

You went.

[Sarah Sherman]

All of us said, bro, you all your day ones, all your ride or dies said, it's working.

[Eldis]

I loved having no tooth. I loved it. I really did. But it did get to a point where I was like, all right, I guess I'll have a tooth.

[Sarah Sherman]

Is this the one that's chipped?

[Eldis]

Yeah, the fake one is chipped.

[Sarah Sherman]

Chipped.

[Eldis]

I didn't fix it.

[Sarah Sherman]

Doing to that tooth that.

[Eldis]

I don't know. I woke up one day and it was chipped. I swear to God, I chipped it in my sleep. I remember looking in the mirror and being like, what the.

[Sarah Sherman]

What are you doing?

[Eldis]

I think I was grinding my teeth. It was grinding.

[Sarah Sherman]

I grind my teeth so hard that I have bone growths inside of my mouth under my tongue.

[Eldis]

I believe that.

[Sarah Sherman]

I'm grinding and clenching. Do you clench all day?

[Eldis]

I'm better about it. I think I was really stressed at the time, right? It.

[Sarah Sherman]

It's lips together, teeth apart.

[Eldis]

Oh, really?

[Sarah Sherman]

All day. I Clench my teeth so hard.

[Eldis]

Interesting.

[Sarah Sherman]

I've ground mine down.

[Eldis]

You look stupid as doing that, Eldis. What? I. I am still curious about lifeguard Sarah, though. I'm curious about Sarah.

[Sarah Sherman]

On. I am.

[Eldis]

Did you ever. Okay, you fetishized the teacher. Did you ever, like, do the classic move of dating someone? Some. Some guy like 10 years older than you or something?

[Sarah Sherman]

No.

[Eldis]

You never did.

[Sarah Sherman]

I like, when in high school, I went on a couple dates with a guy who was 30 in high school. In high school.

[Eldis]

That's not what I asked. What the.

[Sarah Sherman]

And he.

[Eldis]

How did this happen? Because the Internet, I'm guessing.

[Sarah Sherman]

No, no.

[Eldis]

How did you meet a 30 year old and you were in high school?

[Sarah Sherman]

He was like, friends with my friends. Like me.

[Eldis]

Oh, my 30. Yeah. He's like. Either way, he felt that.

[Sarah Sherman]

He felt.

[Eldis]

Let me tell you something.

[Sarah Sherman]

Bubble tea. And his wallet was his cigarette case. And he goes to pet. He opens his cigarettes and he goes to pay for the bubble tea. And he was like, can you spot me?

[Eldis]

No. Oh, my God.

[Sarah Sherman]

And then ever. I never dated older dudes after that because I was like, I found out young that they were losers.

[Eldis]

Right? I was like, let me tell you something. Anyone who's not in high school school, who's trying to date a girl in high school is a piece of.

[Sarah Sherman]

Right. But I. We girls usually don't find that out until they're older.

[Eldis]

But I feel like if you're dating someone, I think you find that out in co. Like, college is the first time that's acceptable.

[Sarah Sherman]

Right.

[Eldis]

And it's. It still can be weird. High school. He is a criminal.

[Sarah Sherman]

Right?

[Eldis]

Like that guy 100 has committed statutory rape.

[Host]

Right?

[Eldis]

Right. You know, like, fully 100% just have amazing taste. No.

[Sarah Sherman]

Head lifeguard. I was the head lifeguard.

[Eldis]

Head lifeguard. You're rejecting the. You're like, I can't date the. The high school quarterback.

[Sarah Sherman]

I'm a artist.

[Eldis]

I got it. I got to date the manager at Bennigans.

[Sarah Sherman]

I don't even know if. I don't think he had a job where.

[Eldis]

So he was just. He was a guy who hung out who partied with high schoolers. And you knew him socially?

[Sarah Sherman]

He had gone to.

[Eldis]

And he still kept tabs on the underclassmen there.

[Sarah Sherman]

I can't even, like, tell you the truth because it's like, I can't deal with your ridicule.

[Eldis]

Oh, you. You have to. Come on.

[Sarah Sherman]

Of course. I was on my high school improv team.

[Eldis]

You knew him through. He was an alumnus of your high school improv team.

[Sarah Sherman]

I don't even know if he was an alumnus it or if he was just like a.

[Eldis]

He was a fan.

[Sarah Sherman]

Oh my God.

[Eldis]

You dated a pedophile improv fan. That's incredible. But that's awesome. Cuz you did. You like just went on it. You literally courted him and you're like, not for me. Which is.

[Sarah Sherman]

I said something funny.

[Eldis]

Yeah. Good for you.

[Sarah Sherman]

Something's a miss here. And then I was. I was.

[Eldis]

He's just checking out the shows. Some 24 year old. Let's. Let's say he's not 30. That's. 24 is still crazy.

[Sarah Sherman]

We were doing the shows at like a local hot spot, the basement of the public library.

[Eldis]

He's getting dropped off by his mom.

[Sarah Sherman]

He was so cool.

[Eldis]

She wore his mom get a beard. Wow. The beard. Did he smoke a pipe? But he smoked cigarettes.

[Sarah Sherman]

He did smoke cigarettes.

[Eldis]

You want. You wanted bearded and tobacco user as a child. That's what. That's what you were jacking off to.

[Sarah Sherman]

I was like. Because I was raka. It was rocket chick.

[Eldis]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Sarah Sherman]

And then I was a lifeguard. And growing up on Long island, pretty much everyone's good at swimming. Because you're on an island, you just get like kind of tossed in.

[Eldis]

That's true. Everyone who I've just met had just good. John Gabris also was a lifeguard. He's the man.

[Sarah Sherman]

We are very similar, he and I from what I hear.

[Eldis]

Oh, you don't know Gabrius.

[Sarah Sherman]

I've done his Long island podcast.

[Eldis]

Hell yeah.

[Sarah Sherman]

He had a Long island character podcast.

[Eldis]

Gino Lombardo. He's. Gabri's just hilarious.

[Sarah Sherman]

He's awesome.

[Eldis]

I Stabby's World fans have just enjoyed the st Christmas special. Oh, maybe we shouldn't give it away if this comes out before.

[Sarah Sherman]

Yeah, well, you have a Christmas special.

[Eldis]

We'll tell you about it afterwards. Gabri is involved or. Or we've told you or we told you a week after. We don't know who's the.

[Sarah Sherman]

Who's the best guest you guys have?

[Eldis]

Have. Ooh, not you. Let's start right there.

[Sarah Sherman]

I always check in after my. My episode comes out. I go, did they like it?

[Eldis]

He goes, no, you're. You are. They do like you, dumbass. You are a favorite. You're in the top tier. I would say you've been. You've been on it a bunch. I don't know. We've had a ton every. We. All the episodes are pretty good. We've. We've had some heaters. I mean we Love the. Are you garbage guys? Caleb Soder.

[Sarah Sherman]

Caleb.

[Host]

Blake Griffin was awesome.

[Eldis]

Blake was awesome.

[Host]

He was like, ready to rob riff.

[Eldis]

More than like, Blake's the man. Blake's funny as. He's great on tv too. He's on Amazon this season.

[Sarah Sherman]

I had a long day of press.

[Eldis]

Yeah, Blake was. I gotta say, Blake is a lot. Was a lot funnier than you're being on this episode.

[Sarah Sherman]

Watch my HBO special, Lose My number. Don't come visit me at work.

[Eldis]

Sydney's a classic.

[Sarah Sherman]

Sydney.

[Eldis]

Oh, yeah.

[Sarah Sherman]

Anyway, so I lifeguard, but on Long island, you don't have to like, you never. I never really had to save anyone because everyone was pretty good at swimming. Like, kids would just go like face down and the kids pool and you're just like pulling off by the back of the shirt. And then one day I was. Stop me if you've heard this before because this is. I'm having a memory of telling this.

[Eldis]

Telling it on this podcast.

[Sarah Sherman]

No, just telling it.

[Eldis]

Go ahead.

[Sarah Sherman]

So there was a. A girl, fully clothed, this big.

[Eldis]

Maybe a child.

[Sarah Sherman]

She made eye contact. I'm on the. I. I was watching the diving board area. The deep end. Yeah. So pretty cool.

[Eldis]

Put the big guns.

[Sarah Sherman]

Yes. So.

[Eldis]

And you were in the classic red one piece. I'm in the classic red Pamela Anderson.

[Sarah Sherman]

With the little bandana, sandlot style. Had my little.

[Eldis]

You know.

[Sarah Sherman]

And she makes like, eye contact with me. And she's moving very slowly and she's not blinking. And she's just staring at me. And I was like, in trim. Danced by this child. And she had me totally hypnotized. And then she starts walking, like, in slow motion, like to full clothes and on. She was wearing socks and shoes and. Slow motion while making eye contact with me. Walks off the diving board. Does not in clothes. In clothes and shoes. Does not hop into the water. Slow motion. Walks off the diving board as if the diving board continued through space.

[Eldis]

Oh, interesting.

[Sarah Sherman]

And I.

[Eldis]

But she was an interesting bit. And she was kind of like. She's almost miming or clowning or something.

[Sarah Sherman]

Yes. She was one of the sexy.

[Eldis]

Charlie. Yeah. Charlie Chaplin.

[Sarah Sherman]

And she was making eye contact with me. And I was like, so bewitched by this. And she goes in the water. Slow motion. And then she just starts going like this.

[Eldis]

And I was under the water.

[Sarah Sherman]

No, like, like gets up, like, and then goes like this. And I was like, so, like, like entranced. And so I just start waving back. And then immediately another lifeguard is like.

[Eldis]

She's signaling for help. You're like, hey, Buddy, that was cool. Yeah.

[Sarah Sherman]

Cuz you don't make noise when you're drowning.

[Eldis]

Oh really?

[Sarah Sherman]

Because all of your reserves and air are for breathing, so you never make noise if you're actually drowning.

[Eldis]

Why did she do that? Did you talk to her afterwards?

[Sarah Sherman]

The child?

[Eldis]

Yeah, she like how old are we talking? Like five.

[Sarah Sherman]

This bit like you, I, I little.

[Eldis]

Kid who didn't understand what she was doing. Basically.

[Sarah Sherman]

I'm, that's like my one, my one experience of like maybe that was a ghost or like a skinwalker.

[Eldis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was so something bizarre, something overtook this child.

[Sarah Sherman]

But. And that was my one chance to save someone in five years.

[Eldis]

And you didn't do it. And I didn't do it because somebody else jumped in.

[Sarah Sherman]

Somebody else jumped in and saved her.

[Eldis]

That's insane because it would have just.

[Sarah Sherman]

Been like, I was like, hello, she. Or she was like on a, like a death. She had a death drive and she was emanate like she was like, don't save me.

[Eldis]

And I was like, like, I'll respect your wishes, spirit. You want to go back? You want to go see your husband from your last life?

[Sarah Sherman]

Yes.

[Eldis]

Sometimes kids are connected to some weird.

[Sarah Sherman]

When they're born and they can speak Chinese or something.

[Eldis]

Yeah. I just think babies loving old people to me is a little bit like one's on the way out. One just came in. I, I, the older I get, the more I believe in some weird like, well, but then all babies and old people are like friends in a way.

[Sarah Sherman]

That like, and babies see ghosts, they're always like, ah, I agree.

[Eldis]

I think that or some, they're, they got, they got access to something and.

[Sarah Sherman]

Then what do we do? We send them to school.

[Eldis]

Right.

[Sarah Sherman]

We say we beat the imagination right up of them.

[Eldis]

Yep.

[Sarah Sherman]

Did you, have you seen ghosts?

[Eldis]

No. Have you?

[Sarah Sherman]

I took a picture in Salem, Massachusetts.

[Eldis]

Whoa. Yeah. That. You definitely saw one there. I mean, shut up. Salem. You had a ghost experience, you idiot. Wow. I was like, was it flying on a broom?

[Sarah Sherman]

13. I was like, 13. I took a picture of a house. House on my little cam. On my little like whatever camera.

[Eldis]

Film or digital?

[Sarah Sherman]

Digital. And I'm like, o spooky house. Looked at the picture and I saw a smear.

[Eldis]

Whoa. Remember being like your $120 cannon definitely caught spirits.

[Sarah Sherman]

$40 target canon. I remember just being like, I possess something mystical on my camera. So dramatic.

[Eldis]

I'm too good for the, yeah, I'm too good for the, the jocks my age. I'm, I'm in touch with the spirit realm. I have to date a 40 year old English teacher.

[Sarah Sherman]

Brag of the century quarterback. Turned him down.

[Eldis]

Turn him down.

[Sarah Sherman]

Did the head cheerleader ask you out? I don't think so. You.

[Eldis]

You. No, no, no. We really got nothing going high school wise.

[Sarah Sherman]

Not class clown.

[Eldis]

Yeah, people liked me, of course, but I just. I was too nervous to talk to a girl. Like, to talk to a girl.

[Sarah Sherman]

The. When I was a head lifeguard, I was in love with this one head lifeguard, Andrew Brash. Look it up. Andrew.

[Eldis]

Andrew. You blew it.

[Sarah Sherman]

You blew it.

[Eldis]

You blew it.

[Sarah Sherman]

He drove me home one day in his convertible and.

[Eldis]

Whoa. Yeah, in high school, the guy you were in love with drove you home and the convertible. You. You must have thought you were in clueless.

[Sarah Sherman]

Yeah. And I was like, bye. Get off the black leather seat, swamp ass and puddle so big. And I just closed the door. Oh, God. And we both. And I'm like, God. And I just. Yeah, I can. I'll never forget the market.

[Eldis]

You don't think he. You think he was interested and you blew it or you just.

[Sarah Sherman]

No, I.

[Eldis]

He was just giving you a ride.

[Sarah Sherman]

Home and he was just giving me a ride home. I. I was so nervous that I sweat so much that there was a full Rorschach test on the se. It was just like a full, like slimer ectoplasm sweat. My ass sweat so hard.

[Eldis]

He's like, how is the print bigger than the ass print? How is that physically possible?

[Sarah Sherman]

Did a moose take a shower and step in my car? Damn.

[Eldis]

Well, look, channel some of these. This is good. Maybe we have. Maybe we have some questions about, you know, making yourself, I don't know, attractive to the opposite sex. Some things about youth, you know, Sarah's very in touch with. She's basically a high schooler. And so we're gonna take some calls. Of course. The special is out on hbo. Sarah Squirm live in the flesh, you.

[Sarah Sherman]

Know, and this will be interesting to see if this podcast moves the needle at all. We'll find out, like, what cultural relevancy and impact this podcast really has. And if it doesn't move the needle at all, I'll know. I'll never come back. You'll never.

[Eldis]

Here's what I want you to do, folks. Cancel your HBO Max subscriptions and tell them it was because of Live in the Flesh.

[Sarah Sherman]

And again, no genitals were actually shown.

[Eldis]

Real or dicks were shown.

[Sarah Sherman]

No dicks.

[Eldis]

No dicks at all. No.

[Sarah Sherman]

Wow.

[Eldis]

What the hell?

[Sarah Sherman]

Of course not.

[Eldis]

Come on, dude. Oh, why why is this playing? I just looked at. Sorry. I was looking at a picture of my nephew and I left.

[Sarah Sherman]

Oh.

[Eldis]

I mean, he's the man. What's going on, Eldo? A little more room in case she wants to do crowd work on the podcast some more. She wants to do act outs again? No, no. I mean, he's. He's so. Oh. Oh, he's so cute.

[Sarah Sherman]

I love when they put them in the little suit.

[Eldis]

Yeah, they got. He's. He's dripped.

[Sarah Sherman]

How old is that?

[Eldis]

He is 10 or 11 months. Yeah.

[Sarah Sherman]

Oh, he's not even.

[Eldis]

He's not even one. He's not even one.

[Sarah Sherman]

I want to hold a baby.

[Host]

So he's.

[Eldis]

He's the man. It's. It's awesome.

[Sarah Sherman]

Awesome.

[Eldis]

The uncle mode. Awesome.

[Sarah Sherman]

How often do you go there? I've.

[Eldis]

I check in, like, I've probably seen him like, you know, every. Every couple months. Maybe. I'm gonna spend some time. Yeah, I'm gonna spend some time in the. I would have gone and seen him more recently, but I'm. You know, the holidays. I'm gonna really put some hours in with the boy. I'm excited. He's the man. Hopefully I'll see him a bunch this year.

[Sarah Sherman]

Smell his little head. Is there another one or. That's their only one.

[Eldis]

That's my brother's kid and my. My best friend. She has two babies now and they're awesome. One of them, he's like. He's like. I guess three probably is. Is the little. Is the number one stunner. Is he three per. Has to be, right?

[Host]

I think so, but yeah.

[Eldis]

He's like a little guy. He has like. He loves fucking aquatic shit. He'll talk to you about Finding Nemo for a long time. Yeah, it's really cute.

[Caller 2]

Cute.

[Eldis]

All right, I'll just play us some calls. I think that's coming from your computer, dumbass.

[Sarah Sherman]

Stop. And. And.

[Eldis]

Come on, dummy. Nice. He's unplugging something and plugging it back in. You know, he has no idea if this will work or not. He' just desperate and hoping. Let's see.

[Sarah Sherman]

You looked like a genius when you were doing that.

[Caller 2]

Stop.

[Eldis]

Wow.

[Caller 2]

Hey.

[Eldis]

So classic.

[Caller 2]

Never called in before.

[Eldis]

And I want to say you unplugged two things, so you weren't really sure which one it was.

[Host]

I didn't just plug and unplug. I switched the plug order on the USB C. Okay. I think that's happened before.

[Sarah Sherman]

And the. The speaker is, by the way, like a Bed, Bath and Beyond shower speaker.

[Eldis]

Yeah, we're just getting started. This show barely makes any money.

[Sarah Sherman]

I can see Central park from here.

[Host]

It travels well.

[Eldis]

Yeah, we shouldn't have a travel one and one for this studio. Anyway. Go ahead. Eldis.

[Caller 2]

Stop. How's it going? Hey. So, never called in before. Have kind of a unique situation. So my wife's little cousin came into town and was visiting us for a week and he's a young kid, 24 years old. We're both roughly about 10 years older than him. And he goes on to tell me that he's dating this girl. Girl. That's nice. A couple years older than both. She's in her mid to late 30s.

[Eldis]

Oh, wow. Okay.

[Caller 2]

And basically he ends up getting a phone call a couple days ago while he's at. While he's staying at her house, visiting from his girlfriend that he has not been dating that long, who's, you know, 12, 13 years older than him, that she is pregnant. And he promised me that I wouldn't tell anybody and he's very much freaking out. And I'm a father, I've got a four year old at home and I don't really know how to help the kid. I just told him that I was going to be there for him, but wanted to see your take on this.

[Eldis]

My take?

[Caller 2]

Thanks. Have a good one, my friend.

[Eldis]

Can you get the Planned Parenthood? That's my fucking take. Take you kid. I mean, is this lady gonna have the kid? She's gonna have a kid with a 24 year old?

[Sarah Sherman]

Well, it's a geriatric pregnancy. She's probably like, this is the last.

[Host]

I don't know.

[Sarah Sherman]

I wouldn't know. I'm 18, so.

[Eldis]

Damn, dude. So I thought there was going to be some resolution. He's just. How do I help this kid?

[Host]

I mean, yeah, it sounds like they.

[Eldis]

Get him a fake passport, get him to Ecuador.

[Sarah Sherman]

By the way, you're always like, Sarah, you're so sex negative.

[Eldis]

Yes. This is what happens exactly. You've never been. You've never been in danger of getting pregnant.

[Sarah Sherman]

My life.

[Eldis]

You've had sex. It's been like seven condoms have been worn.

[Sarah Sherman]

It's more likely that I will get testicular torsion than pregnant.

[Eldis]

Um, yeah. This is brutal stuff. This kid's so, so fucked. Um, okay, first of all, what do. What are they gonna do here? I guess she's gonna ha. I mean, we. I supp. My hunch is that they're gonna have the kid. Right? Otherwise what you do is tell them you'll pay for a fucking abortion. I mean, what are we talking about here? This is insane. He just started dating her. And this is the problem. Look, dating someone older you. They're the one who's supposed to know not to get fucking pregnant. Like, is he blasting inside this lady, this poor fucking kid lady is the cougar in the relationship. It's up to you. Are you trying to get knocked up by this kid? I guess she was.

[Sarah Sherman]

That's what I. That's what I'm thinking is she wants to be pregnant.

[Eldis]

Fuck, I would say. I mean, look, if this, if, if. Go ahead.

[Sarah Sherman]

I mean, what. Maybe they've talked about it.

[Eldis]

Look, it seems like obviously, you know, it's her call what she wants to do here. He can advocate for himself, but maybe he even wants to have it. I don't fucking know. I'm get. I'm putting mine. My coastal elitist, eighth godless views. I don't see it as a baby, so sue me. It's. It's a bunch of. It's a little. It's like jizz. Plus the first month or so. You know what I mean?

[Sarah Sherman]

But there's bones. It's like, yeah, believe.

[Eldis]

Yeah, I'm the wrong guy for this conversation. People are gonna get pissed at me.

[Host]

He did say the kid is freaking out. So it's not like the kid is like, open, Let it, let it come. Like, I think he's like, what the am I gonna do?

[Eldis]

Yeah, well, step one is you have to have a conversation with. With. I mean, this is great that we're fucking releasing this. He probably called it a month ago. It's coming out in a month and a half. This kid's gonna be. He's gonna be hosting a baby shower by the time we fucking. This call comes out. But we will give advice in good faith. First things first, you gotta have the.

[Sarah Sherman]

So what's the plan?

[Eldis]

Conversation. That's number one. And if the plan is, you know, that we gotta. We gotta stop this, then you need to support that in any way, shape or form you possibly can. If the plan is I'm keeping the fucking kid, I want to have this kid. Like, he's just kind of fucked here and look at it like supporting him through any tragedy. I mean, look, it'd be different if he'd be dating her for a while, but it's like, like getting someone you just started dating pregnant and she's older than you. Not that that really matters. It's really just the how that they're not in a serious. Like you want to have a kid with somebody you barely know.

[Sarah Sherman]

Also, wait. She's 34. He's 24. What is it?

[Host]

She's probably more like 36. 37 based on the math.

[Sarah Sherman]

Yeah, I wouldn't date a 24 year old if I'm my age, which is much, much younger.

[Eldis]

Yeah. I mean, that's insane. And it's like, even for her, it's like, lady, fuck this 24 year old. Get a couple. Get some youthful dick up in you. But you're gonna have a kid with him. How do you support him? I don't know. You just kind of support him any way. You can't. You're. You got to be there for him financially.

[Sarah Sherman]

He don't need it.

[Eldis]

Yeah. I mean, help him get a fucking job. I don't fucking know, dude.

[Host]

It sounds like the caller's wife is not in the loop. I think you got.

[Sarah Sherman]

He sounds like he's on a wall walk.

[Eldis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. He's far away. He can't. Yeah, he can't have this. He can't take this call in his. In his house. Yeah. I mean, the wife's. Listen, he promised not to tell anybody. We're past that.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Eldis]

This is not. This is like, let's get all hands on deck. I may have overcorrected by opening the window. It's getting cold, even for me, I think.

[Host]

Should I close it?

[Eldis]

Probably. Are you cold?

[Sarah Sherman]

No, I'm like, everything hurts.

[Eldis]

Okay. I thought you were. Then we can keep it. Yeah. First of all, this is an all hands on deck situation. This is not a. Keep a secret from your wife because her. Her little cousin is embarrassed. He nutted in a fucking 37 year old. He met, you know, at Girls. Wherever the fuck he met her. I don't know, at his improv show. She was in the. She was in the audience. You got to get her in the mix. You got to figure this out as a family. And yeah, depending. I think you have to calm him down so he can rationally go through this. And the order of operations is, what are we going to do?

[Sarah Sherman]

You're going to have to be a big grandparent.

[Eldis]

Yeah. And if. If the thing is we're keeping the kid, it's like, all right, well, get a job, start saving money. Also, he. You have to talk him through what he wants. He can say like, look, I've liked dating you, but this is crazy. I'm fucking 24. I don't want to be a dad. If we want to do this, we should. And then he has to decide, does he stay with her? Does he say, you know what, we can't be in a relationship. I'll obviously help financially, but it's like, hey, this is the rare time where it's like, yeah, take him to court. What are you gonna get? What is the child support gonna be? Fucking 18amonth. This kid doesn't even. He's a college student or whatever the he is or he works somewhere. I don't know where he works. But that's the thing, dude. You just gotta walk him through it and just manage his. How bad? He's freaking out because if I was that I was. I've had some scares. Let's say we never got. It never got crazy. But I remember in college my college girlfriend thought she might be pregnant and I did not rise to the occasion. I was like, ah, ah. I was like, no, no, we're looking like. And I think at that moment she was like, I can't. This is over. This relationship's over. Like, that's how he deals with crisis. I was, I literally was. I was wearing a hoodie and I was like. Like, I literally did that. I was like, oh, no, it didn't end up. It was just whatever. She was just kind of paranoid. But I showed my true colors as a 21 year old who was not able to handle that situation. And he probably can't handle the situation. So you just need to take his emotional blows so that he can now think as rationally as possible because he's going to need all his. All his wits about him to. To get this. To figure this out.

[Sarah Sherman]

My worst fear is that I'm pregnant. This is my recurring nightmare.

[Eldis]

You never want kids. No, no.

[Sarah Sherman]

My recurring nightmare is I'm nine months pregnant and I'm like, how did this happen?

[Eldis]

Even though that is kind of in. In a horror, in a body horror way, pregnancy is the most body horror natural thing possible.

[Sarah Sherman]

And then my body horror nightmare mind gives birth to the frozen ice baby with wires coming out of its head every time. How's that?

[Eldis]

Interesting. Interesting. And that's why you've taken a vow of celibacy.

[Sarah Sherman]

Exactly. For Christ.

[Eldis]

So, yeah, I'm sorry, brother. That's all you can do is just fucking be a sounding board. Help him work his way through the order of operations and yeah, get your. I mean, your wife needs to know about. This is crazy. This is not like I smoked weed in your car. Can we get it detailed before she finds out out he might have a child? Dude. Yeah, that shows you how not prepared for having a kid he is. He's like, don't tell my. Don't tell my big cousin. He's worried about getting in trouble. He should be worried about the life he's about to bring into this world and how that's going to impact. And you know what?

[Sarah Sherman]

Maybe he's gonna like it.

[Eldis]

That's the thing I was gonna say. Either way is fine. Like, he'll be. Because he has a kid. Sometimes I'm like, damn, if I would have knocked somebody up in my 20s, I'd have a 15 year old or some by now. I'd be done parenting. I would have done a bad job, but I'd be done. You know what I mean? Like we go to. We'd be watching, you know, we'd be going to four DX movies together by now.

[Host]

I'd be babysitting on tour.

[Eldis]

Oh, yeah.

[Host]

I'd be in the green room.

[Eldis]

He would be our intern. He would be our Internet. That would be awesome. Oh, should I have a kid so we can have an. So we can have free labor. Real, real immigrant. Have your.

[Host]

So I can have an intern in 17 years.

[Eldis]

Yeah.

[Sarah Sherman]

Rich men can do whatever they want.

[Eldis]

I know. It actually is.

[Sarah Sherman]

You could have a kid. It wouldn't even affect you at all.

[Eldis]

I know. I actually was thinking about. I remember when I was in my mid-20s because my mom was. Was like, when are you going to get married? I was like, list, you want a kid? I can get you a kid. But you're going to. I literally was like, do you want to raise? Like, I'll get you a kid. You got a race. And she was like, no. She was like, no, I'll help with it. But yeah, sorry, dude, I don't know. We've exhausted ourselves here. Good luck. But yeah, it's basically, how does he handle it going forward? Is he prepared? He's probably not prepared to be a dad if he's. If that's what's on the table. Table. And does he really want to stay with this woman? And if not figuring out what his life looks like, where you can kind of be an. A co parent to a, you know, a cougar.

[Host]

Get him a Patreon subscription. He can call.

[Eldis]

Yeah, give him a Patreon subscription. He can call in and get, get him.

[Host]

Be a part of the help and sort it all out.

[Eldis]

Yeah. He could start pretending like he's mentally ill to her. He'll be like, you. You should be like, hello. Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Jack got out of his home. Oh, no.

[Sarah Sherman]

Did you?

[Eldis]

He can pretend to be Sane for a little bit, but just convince this woman.

[Sarah Sherman]

Two and a half months or however long they've been here.

[Eldis]

He's got about two and a half months before the schizophrenia kicks in. Oh, yes. We've just institutionalized him. Yes, yes. Oh, well. Well, I'm sorry you had to find out this way. Glad you're not with his child. I mean, his jizz is rotten and the kid will come out rebe. You know, whatever you could do that. You could try and say he's mentally unstable or that he has some kind of rare genetic disorder that will get passed down.

[Sarah Sherman]

Right.

[Eldis]

You know, that's something you could lie to this lady about. But either deceit or supporting him through this, this. Those are your two options. Next question. Eldis.

[Caller 1]

Hey, Davi. Eldis and guest. So I have a smelly sibling.

[Eldis]

Smelly sibling.

[Caller 1]

They're 40 years old.

[Sarah Sherman]

40.

[Caller 1]

And have developed a bad habit a pretty long time ago of not caring about personal hygiene or maybe not realizing that they smell. They would take off their shoes in the house and you can smell their foot odor right away. They kind of smell like body odor and incense. So my husband and I are going to go out of town for four days and my sibling, who lives about four hours away, is going to come help my parents, who we just live down the street from, to take care of our kids and our dog while we're gone.

[Sarah Sherman]

No, but it gets in the.

[Caller 1]

So I thought I'd offer up our house for my sibling to stay in so it won't be too chaotic in my mom's tiny house and everyone can have their own bed. My dad is a lot. And so I just thought that my sibling would appreciate sleeping somewhere else. They're super sweet. They've always offered to let us stay with them anytime we go visit over there. They're very considerate and caring and giving and I just want to be that way to them.

[Caller 2]

Them.

[Caller 1]

Even though I've always been pretty meticulous with my things and I'm like super clean and kind of type A person. So I just talked to my husband about it and he says he doesn't want them to sleep over there because of the smell and he doesn't want them to sleep in our bed or really anywhere in our house because it'll smell like my sibling when we get back. So my question is, do I tell them that they can stay at our house, but they have to, like, shower before bed or sleep in our son's room? Even though I still.

[Sarah Sherman]

You have to tell your sibling to.

[Caller 1]

Shower when we're not there? Or should I just not even mention it, knowing that they may have a hard time being over at my parents altogether for four days?

[Sarah Sherman]

This is nothing.

[Caller 1]

All right, thank you.

[Sarah Sherman]

This has nothing to do with where this person is staying. You just have to tell their sibling that they stink.

[Eldis]

Yeah, I mean, what are we talking about? They smell so bad that your husband is saying, look, here's the other thing. They're doing you a favor, right? Like, how bad does someone have to smell? Like, what's it really worth? You're getting childcare. You're getting somebody looking after your parents. It's like you can change the sheets. Like, okay, I get it. Your, your non binary gutter punk sibling is gonna have their fucking rescue. Golden retrievers that they never bathe with bandanas on stomping around through your house and you're like, I don't. They take their Doc Martens off and there's fucking green stink lines come, come on their socks, right?

[Sarah Sherman]

She said incense, but she, she said body odor and incense, but she didn't say anything else besides.

[Eldis]

Yeah, yeah, and so that's me. This is me. This is what I think is going on, right? Because I know plenty of. I have some pals that are this type of person. You know, we've seen them. You know, it's a, it's, it's, it's crazy.

[Sarah Sherman]

It could have been that energy. We. Thank God for patchouli. Thank God.

[Eldis]

But yeah, I mean, I kind of agree with you where it's like, this is about telling your sibling to fucking.

[Sarah Sherman]

Baby, they're 40.

[Eldis]

They're fucking 40 years old.

[Sarah Sherman]

Also, if you're not gonna do it. If I was walking around all my life with spinach in my teeth and my brother didn't tell me there was spinach in my teeth. That's my brother.

[Eldis]

Yeah, yeah, I know this is crazy. And like, you gotta have. Have you had this conversation? Have you never had this conversation?

[Sarah Sherman]

Maybe they have a disease.

[Eldis]

Either way, I mean, look, I, I'm of the opinion that if someone is coming over, over to do child care, to watch your, your kids, to watch your parents, you're not going to let them stay at your house. Or you. Here's what you could do. You want to know the, the, the King Solomon's way? Pretend you're getting your house fumigated and get them a hotel. Like, if you're worried about, if you're worried about them, your parents being too much. Because at the end of the day, now, this would be different if they were begging you to crash or something. Then you could be like, look, my husband is fucking. And not even. Don't even blame my husband. Because you should feel this way too. This is crazy. If they were asking you for a favor, this would be different. They are doing you a favor. So I think you do owe it to them to make their experience that you're. While they're doing you this favor pretty good.

[Sarah Sherman]

Also, you owe it to them to have a stink. Durvention. Yeah, you owe this person. They stink. Tell them.

[Eldis]

Yeah, yeah.

[Sarah Sherman]

Oh, but I guess I'm operating like they don't know. Maybe they know.

[Eldis]

If they know, that's a whole other also big problem.

[Sarah Sherman]

Right?

[Eldis]

But it doesn't get them out of. It's like, you can't. Like, you can't bring like, okay, if somebody's coming over to my house and they just leave a bunch of garbage there and it smells like garbage, I'd.

[Sarah Sherman]

Be like, looking at me, that's.

[Eldis]

You can't. I'd be like, that's up. You can't do that. Right, Right. If. If the odor is coming from their fucking armpits or whatever, their feet, it doesn't matter where the odor comes from. You can't come to my house and make it smell like shit. Right? But yeah, you have to look, the coward's way out is get them a hotel or an Airbnb. Make some excuse up about your house, whatever the real the. But you should talk to them about this. If not now, when? This is crazy. And like, what, like, why are you on eggshells around them about this? You know what I mean? It's like, like, that's the thing. Like, there's something deeper here, right? Because you should be able to like, my brothers come to my house and smell like. I'd be like, shower or get the out of my house. That's what I would say.

[Sarah Sherman]

I mean, well, stinking bad is also like a sign of like, yeah, maybe they're depressed, whatever.

[Eldis]

But also, you trust them enough to fucking watch the kids do this. So it's like they're probably just. Look, I have had friends who don't bathe that much or who are sort of like, who like, live in a weird warehouse.

[Sarah Sherman]

Stop looking at me.

[Eldis]

Not you anymore. They cleaned you up. They deloused you at NBC. 30 Rock. It's like a prison movie. They're like, spread your cheeks. They're putting powder on you and hosing you down with a fire hose. Put on this blonde wig when you talk to Lauren.

[Sarah Sherman]

Change your underwear.

[Eldis]

Put on this aeroplane hostile sweater when you talk to the executives. But yeah, you that those are your two. I think we gave you two good options. If you're a coward, get them a hotel or some shit. Make an excuse. But at some point you have to under. You have to reckon with why you won't tell your sibling they smell like dog and you should. You. You. I agree with you. You owe it to them to tell them frankly. Next question. El Dunce.

[Sarah Sherman]

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[Eldis]

Every Mazda SUV offers you an elevated driving experience and refined performance. Discover it at your local Mazda dealer today.

[Caller 1]

Hi ladies. So I need a bit of advice. I guess like, Ari, do you think my old teacher from high school is like trying to or is he just being friendly? So this morning I was checking my Instagram DMS from this man who used to be my history teacher stuff when I was in high school.

[Eldis]

He's getting a little naughty down under. How about, how about I take a a piss at your can I suck your do. Keep going.

[Caller 2]

High school.

[Caller 1]

And I also used to babysit his kids when I was like 15 and that was like over 10 years ago. I'm like 25 now. He's probably now in his his late 30s SL, early 40s. So he recently got a divorce from his wife and I feel like he's going through some kind of midlife crisis. He moved countries and he happened to move to the country that I've moved to. And then he's messaged me this morning like, hey, do you still live in Inside City? I'm in town and I was wondering if you'd like to meet at my hotel. And now I'm wondering like why the up to meet at a hotel?

[Sarah Sherman]

Straight.

[Caller 1]

Wondering like why the would he ask to meet at a hotel? Yeah, so I like a triple threat of bpd, bipolar and autism. And the autistic part of my brain is wondering if I'm misreading it.

[Eldis]

The hotel thing.

[Caller 1]

The normal part of my brain tells me so I've got like a triple threat of bpd, bipolar and autism. And the autistic part of my brain is wondering if I'm misreading into the hotel thing. No, the normal part of my brain tells me that I think he's got bad or like sexual intentions. But then the BPD part of my brain just. Just like craves attention and male validation and I'm kind of like giggling and kicking my feet. So I guess my questions are, one, is there any scenario wherein he wants to like platonically meet at his hotel? And two, would it be terrible of me to go?

[Eldis]

Yes. Well, why? It's not terrible, but it's. Yeah, Sarah's like. Sarah's dreaming of that fucking history teacher smoking a fucking smoke, making her pube smell like hickory.

[Sarah Sherman]

That's a nice Snoopy tie you're wearing there. It would be a shame to see it on the floor. Why would you not go?

[Eldis]

Okay, I. Here's the thing here. You're out, basically. Okay, let's. Let's address what she's saying. One, is her Eng. Her innocent? No, absolutely not.

[Caller 1]

Right.

[Sarah Sherman]

But is it, is it grotesque? Because it's clear that when he was her teacher, he was horny for a teenager.

[Eldis]

I think that's the problem.

[Sarah Sherman]

Right?

[Eldis]

That's the problem is that.

[Sarah Sherman]

Right.

[Eldis]

He saw her as if she babysat his kids.

[Sarah Sherman]

Right.

[Eldis]

And it's. And also it's not like she's a grown up now. Here's the thing. It's not like they bumped into each other, right?

[Sarah Sherman]

He like hunted him down.

[Eldis]

He was like, apparently they've moved. He's like, I'm in this city. Like if it was. If it was more of a meet cute, right? Maybe. But there is something to.

[Sarah Sherman]

God, this is just so much teacher.

[Eldis]

And then them later. Does sound hot. I'm not, I'm not. Don't get me wrong. I would love if like one of the teachers. I'm trying to think if there's a teacher. Not really. Nobody really comes to mind. Who's the hottest teacher? Well, I could see anyway. I could see a scenario where this would be awesome. Right?

[Sarah Sherman]

Right.

[Eldis]

But yeah, in terms of what you're. What you're in for, it's like, it's a very interesting tug of war between BPD and fucking autistic here.

[Sarah Sherman]

But look, go ahead, girl. Wild out.

[Eldis]

It could be strange and messy is my only thing. You know what I mean?

[Sarah Sherman]

Right.

[Eldis]

And listen, if you want to get dicked down and you're clear to this guy, you're like, this is it. I don't. I just. This is also a fantasy for me in a weird, fucked up way. Yeah. Do you not get it up?

[Sarah Sherman]

He is a pedophile. No, he's not quite.

[Eldis]

It's just weird. I mean, he maybe but did he want to fuck her when she was 15? Probably. And that's not great.

[Sarah Sherman]

But he's not making the move until.

[Eldis]

She'S an adult and he's divorced.

[Sarah Sherman]

Maybe. Maybe he's. She's like the one. Because she was the. Like, he doesn't know any women.

[Eldis]

No, that's not what's going on here. What's going on here is this guy got divorced and immediately is like, who are the top 10 girls I taught that I want to fucking look who are. Who are easily accessible to me. And I can dm. And by the way, hotel is a wild move.

[Sarah Sherman]

Also, did he hunt her down to the city that she's in?

[Eldis]

Who knows, right? We don't know. But also, it's like, he didn't ask you to get dinner, drinks.

[Sarah Sherman]

Probably like a hotel restaurant.

[Eldis]

Meet right at the hotel. Is a particular. It's a move.

[Host]

Maybe a little room service.

[Eldis]

Yeah, it's a move. Hey, I'm not knocking it. I can't say I don't know. It's not something in my personal arsenal. But I do think you're making your intentions very clear when you're like, let's meet at my hotel.

[Sarah Sherman]

I feel like we. I are. When did she call about this? Because I feel like this is like happening right now.

[Eldis]

Doesn't matter. Pretty recent.

[Host]

It doesn't matter.

[Eldis]

Okay. That's what he was.

[Sarah Sherman]

I feel like this is like an imminent.

[Eldis]

Like, I want to know what happens. Yeah, yeah, give us an update. I actually would like the update. But look, here's the thing, cuz.

[Sarah Sherman]

I want to know if you, like, meet up with him and you're like, oh, he. Oh, yeah. This is like, you are a pedophile.

[Eldis]

Well, that's the thing about it. That's weird is he taught her when she was 15 and she babysat his kids. Like, listen, if she went to the high school he taught at and they randomly bumped into each other.

[Sarah Sherman]

No, he hunted her.

[Eldis]

It's still weird. I wouldn't. I wouldn't think that's. But. But also it's like I see it from both sides. You're just talking about how you wanted to. Your teacher.

[Sarah Sherman]

This was like, this is my ultimate fantasy.

[Eldis]

Yeah, I think it's a lot of. I. I think it's. I think it's plenty of people's ultimate fantasy. In a weird way is. Is that teacher. They wanted to as youths, but it's. It's really up to you, you know? Do you want to do this?

[Sarah Sherman]

She say she's bipolar, autistic.

[Eldis]

And bpd, which is a hell of a cocktail. Quite the cocktail. I do.

[Sarah Sherman]

I bet she might be perfect.

[Eldis]

I bet it goes crazy. I bet that pussy goes insane. I mean that's quite the trio right there. If you do go to the hotel, I bet he's gonna get some pretty good head. You have the precision of an autist with the insanity of a BPD girl and bipolar.

[Host]

I think that BPD quadrant in her brain is throbbing like crazy.

[Eldis]

Autism might be the perfect thing. Like that crafts the best head of all time. If I had to guess. If I had to guess, it's probably possible, right?

[Sarah Sherman]

You wouldn't know. You're a saint.

[Eldis]

I wouldn't know. I don't think I would know. I mean, I assume some bpd, not that I'm doing a psychological screening.

[Sarah Sherman]

We'll be checking the IDs at the door of your green room next door.

[Eldis]

Anyway, yeah, listen, he's definitely, definitely trying to fuck you. It's up to you if you want to or not. I would say it's probably clean or not to because this is a strange. This is just a weird move to immediately after getting divorced try and hunter like.

[Host]

I don't know. I think she should. I could just hear it in her voice that she wants to.

[Sarah Sherman]

Yeah.

[Eldis]

But yeah, we're not gonna. It's up. I fully up to you.

[Host]

It's like, okay.

[Eldis]

And if I was in this position I probably would. If I had like a hot teacher who's like milfed the up and hit me up.

[Sarah Sherman]

Oh my God, you wouldn't waste us.

[Eldis]

Not. So yeah, whatever. It. I don't care. I don't care. Fucking do it. Whatever.

[Sarah Sherman]

What do I care?

[Eldis]

You're right. I'm being sexist about female pedophiles. If there was some teacher that looked at fat 15 year old me, I was like, I need to fuck that little butterball. I need to suck that little ass dick that I can see through his gym shorts. Oh, the way he's sweaty after gym when he comes into my class and his whole gray shirt is drenched except the nipples. That turns me on.

[Sarah Sherman]

Has anyone from your past like, like a teacher reached out to you?

[Eldis]

A teacher?

[Sarah Sherman]

Or like I don't really slid.

[Eldis]

I really. I don't think I have anybody from my past. Not that I can think of. That's a great question. I'm kind of offended now. You know, like why isn't somebody. I'm up now.

[Sarah Sherman]

Why isn't you tried to suck me up crazy sliding?

[Eldis]

No, nothing like that. You must Have.

[Sarah Sherman]

My God.

[Eldis]

Yeah. Just cuz women get treated that way.

[Sarah Sherman]

Of course.

[Eldis]

Who. What type of person? The.

[Sarah Sherman]

The. I'm thinking of, like, this was. I was older, but like the GM of the barbecue restaurant I worked at that fired me in front of everyone and humiliated me at the same restaurant where the head chef told me to wear red lipstick. Like a. And it's just this.

[Eldis]

How old were. Oh, you. You were like in your 20s?

[Sarah Sherman]

I. I was like a freshman in college. Yeah.

[Eldis]

Yeah. And he hit you up recently?

[Sarah Sherman]

Oh, he slid.

[Eldis]

That's an awesome. For a guy who's probably still a GM.

[Sarah Sherman]

100. He's 100. And he fired me in front of everyone like a dog in the dirt on Christmas morning.

[Eldis]

On Christmas? No, but like, yeah.

[Sarah Sherman]

Oh, God.

[Eldis]

Metaphorically speaking.

[Sarah Sherman]

Yeah.

[Eldis]

No, I mean, I think. Now that I think about it, there's been. Been. There was like, people that I went on like a date with.

[Sarah Sherman]

Right.

[Eldis]

Who rejected me.

[Sarah Sherman]

Right.

[Eldis]

Who have resl. And I just have. I think, you know, one of them. I actually. I actually up. I meant to DM her back and tell her.

[Sarah Sherman]

Tell her. He's about to. He's gonna dm.

[Eldis]

Hey, hit me up again. That one girl I went on a date with and I kind of blew it. I just. I remember it was like the most cowardly. It could have been a turning point. And like, it was. I just moved to New York and she was hot too. She was like. She was. She was half Greek, which I like because it's like, Greek enough.

[Sarah Sherman]

Okay.

[Eldis]

But not fully Greek.

[Sarah Sherman]

You know what I mean?

[Eldis]

Like, I don't need the whole. You know, she was cool. I liked her. And I was just. And I think I actually did a pretty good job on it. It was the first time I went out with like a hot woman in New York when I first moved here. And I was like, against all odds, I'm doing pretty well here. And I just bitched out on kissing her at the end of the night. And it was. And like now 100. It was just a. It's a home run.

[Sarah Sherman]

Sure.

[Eldis]

And I just know the moment. And literally I talk about in therapy and my therapist, like, why didn't you kiss her? And I was like, that's not what I'm looking for, you piece of shit. He was like, oh, you fucking. Literally. It was the most animated I've ever seen him. He was like, oh, are you serious? Why didn't you kiss? I was like, I don't know. And then I'm like, pathetic.

[Sarah Sherman]

And I'm the one with the crazy thing. Therapist.

[Eldis]

Well, you go to therapy eight times a week. We didn't even. We didn't even get into it this time. That's well trod territory on Stav's World. Oh, but something to file away from for our upcoming interview. Yeah, we're taking this. This relationship to print, folks. Watch out for that. Or actually, it's a priority come out. It's probably. Yeah, you've. You've already seen it. Interview magazine. You did a great job. It's already happened.

[Sarah Sherman]

Couldn't get anyone else. House.

[Host]

Oh, it's gonna be you guys. That's awesome.

[Eldis]

Yeah, it's gonna be us. Sabrina Carpenter said no. She asked every host this season. They all said no. Nikki was like, oh, I gotta write for the. I have the Golden Globes I gotta get ready for. Glen Powell was like, he called you, Veronica. He was like, I can't do it, Veronica. Sorry.

[Sarah Sherman]

Well, I showed everyone the screener first. Everyone agreed, and then I showed them the screener and they went, oh, my God, the craziest thing just happened. I. My basement flooded, like, and I just can't even plug in there. I don't have a computer charger, so I can't.

[Eldis]

I can't do.

[Sarah Sherman]

Watch the. The.

[Eldis]

Yeah, yeah.

[Sarah Sherman]

My phone exploded.

[Eldis]

It's so funny that they're like, we have to do it over zoom. But it's like, we're doing this right now. Like, we could do it anyway. Who gives a. Give us another room.

[Sarah Sherman]

I'm not going to zoom with you.

[Eldis]

That's what my. That's what an email said. We. We could do it whenever.

[Sarah Sherman]

Zooming with you. The indignity of zooming with stall. Jesus. Hi, welcome to my office.

[Eldis]

You're really scraping the bottom of the barrel. What happens if I say no? Motherfucker, you're begging, Connor. And Connor's like, I got a baby. I can't fucking do it.

[Sarah Sherman]

God is a great.

[Eldis]

Give us another one else. Hey, stop.

[Caller 2]

Hey, Elvis. Hello, guest. Basically, my problem is that I am a straight man, but every single person that I meet assumes that I am gay. And I would like them to stop thinking that. I think part of it is, like, presentation stuff. Like, I dress pretty well. Like, I take care of myself. I go to the gym and room and, like, I make sure I'm clean and smell nice and all that.

[Sarah Sherman]

That.

[Eldis]

And I'm all. She's like a guy that appears gay but is straight. My dream. He dresses a straight guy that appears gay and can't stand up for my. Himself.

[Sarah Sherman]

Hello.

[Caller 2]

Nice and All that. And I'm also like, I feel like I'm pretty polite and like relatively mellow in my day to day interactions. And I'm not trying to like, like everything that moves all the time, which I think is also part of it. Like I, I don't know, do like I have the gay voice or something. Like, is that. Are you picking that up?

[Sarah Sherman]

No.

[Eldis]

A little bit. Anyway, I tried to alter guys. That's the problem. You're not a reliable. All your friends are the gayest guys of all time. They're cool. But this guy seems like a midwestern gay guy. This guy seems like a gay guy who fucking shops at Target. Target.

[Sarah Sherman]

He doesn't have. I'm not clocking gay voice.

[Eldis]

I'm telling you. He's got a little pinch. Okay, keep going. Let's finish up.

[Caller 2]

Anyway, I tried to alter things. I tried to dress like more blue collar.

[Eldis]

Blue collar. I'm butching it up. I'm wearing overalls with no shirt underneath.

[Caller 2]

I bought some Carhartt hat pants. And. And then all the gays.

[Eldis]

No, that's gay now, dude.

[Caller 2]

And. And then all the gays started buying Carhartt pants and wearing them.

[Sarah Sherman]

Yeah.

[Caller 2]

So now I'm kind of. I just don't know what to do. Basically I want to know how I can look straighter while also not sacrificing any of.

[Sarah Sherman]

Like, I need a visual aid.

[Eldis]

I know. I would love to look at it.

[Caller 2]

Like too much.

[Host]

Look, dude, I feel like I just have the picture of this.

[Eldis]

Well, first of all, straight George, we have a friend who has this to a te. He sounds a little gayer than this guy. He's got a big wet mouth. I think there's. He's got, you know, he's nice, he's kind, he smiles a lot.

[Sarah Sherman]

I. I think he's like. Basically he's, you know, he's stunning is what he's saying.

[Eldis]

Probably. Yeah. He's probably gorgeous.

[Host]

He's. He's probably good looking. I think, like, it's more that he's.

[Eldis]

Clean cut, he's polite, he's clean cut. And he's not like horny.

[Sarah Sherman]

Maybe he combs his hair crazy or something.

[Eldis]

I just think, here's Wes.

[Sarah Sherman]

Hollywood gays like gel and comb their hair in a very specific way. Maybe he's doing a hair thing that he doesn't know is gay.

[Eldis]

It's just some guys have this. Yeah, there's just nowhere.

[Sarah Sherman]

I think it means he's just like, he's stunning. And no one could believe that he's straight because he's so perfect.

[Eldis]

I don't think it's bad. And our friend straight George, a lot of people think he's gay.

[Sarah Sherman]

Can I see a visual aid, straight George?

[Eldis]

Sure. By the way, you, you have some text messages to attend to Eldis.

[Sarah Sherman]

Oh, from me?

[Eldis]

No, but look, dude, this isn't bad.

[Sarah Sherman]

No, you're gorgeous. That's what it sounds like.

[Eldis]

Let me see if I can. Yeah, here he is. But yeah, it's like how do you seem straighter? This didn't put pictures of him. That's him. That's him with his girlfriend. That's his girlfriend.

[Host]

I think visually you don't say. You really have to hear straight George's voice.

[Eldis]

Yeah, it is about, it is about.

[Host]

Cuz I think, I think this guy's a different flavor where he's probably just, just like clean cut or something. He's just wearing like a, you know, he's probably fit. Wearing like a button down shirt into some neat chinos.

[Eldis]

Some of those boring like elders is getting hard. Some of those describing his dream man.

[Host]

Just some of those like brown pleather shoes kind of thing with a white stripe on the bottom, the white sole or whatever, you know what I mean? I don't think that's what I'm seeing in this guy.

[Sarah Sherman]

It's like he's really fit. Fit. That is often guys who are visibly very fit.

[Eldis]

I always assume he's gay. It's possible. But look, I just think yes, gay guys are wearing Carhartt. Do you want to dress a little shittier? I guess if you want to. I don't think this is a bad thing though.

[Sarah Sherman]

I think he's not telling us something that he like waxes his chest or something. I don't know.

[Eldis]

He's looking at his chest though, day to day.

[Sarah Sherman]

Maybe he's walking around in a Los Angeles apparel deep V. I'm walking around.

[Eldis]

In a tank top. Top. I, I'm a very. But I'm clearly a heterosexual man. That's a different thing. You go, you go a different you, you turn, you go on the other end of the spectrum of like so straight. You could do the gayest of all time.

[Sarah Sherman]

So straight at the Szechuan restaurant that he's got to strip down to his tank top because the chicken too spicy.

[Eldis]

Spicy. I'm, I'm sweating. And by the way, it's like will I let a guy suck me off? I guess, you know. So how to appear more straight. I don't know. I think this is good. I think you can use this to your advantage, I think. Like people. Yeah. Being a nice guy. Like, why is this a problem? I guess is my question. What's really negative here? I don't know. And is there a way to. Yeah. Go. Go get our. One of our food. No, no stars thing. Damn. Sorry, bro. I don't know. I think like, how to appear straighter. You could dress a little shittier. You could just get like Levis instead of Carhartt. You could just wear like T shirts. But also, you might just be a guy who seems gay. And that's okay. Women are going to trust you more, you know? Will gay guys sit on you? Okay, maybe. But you could just.

[Sarah Sherman]

That's a confidence booster.

[Eldis]

Yeah, that's a compliment. I just think this is your cross to bear. And in terms of crosses, it ain't so bad. I would say to appear straighter, just be sloppier. Just care less about what you look. Maybe get some facial hair growth going that's not manicured.

[Sarah Sherman]

Of like people who work out to make their arms look better. You can just work out to not. Not do that.

[Eldis]

He's like, listen, the guy's got it. We don't know. He doesn't change his work, his workout regimen.

[Sarah Sherman]

No, but work out all the time. But you can't tell. And that's because what do you do? Run as fast as I can. As fast as I can. Just so it all. It's all far behind me. It's all gone away. It's just me in the open road. But it's like you can't tell because I'm not doing like, he's doing like vanity exercises maybe.

[Eldis]

Look, I don't know, but I just think he should have like, don't change.

[Sarah Sherman]

A hair on your cheeks.

[Eldis]

He shouldn't have to change the way he. How ripped he is is to appear straighter. I would just say if you want to. If you. If this is a problem for you, dress sloppier.

[Host]

I think he should be himself because, like, the. The thing is, like, there are women out there too, who are like, attracted to. I don't know why I keep going.

[Sarah Sherman]

On this clean cut thing, but they are.

[Host]

Yeah, you could, you could bag a Sarah out there.

[Eldis]

Oh, boy.

[Sarah Sherman]

I love.

[Eldis]

Yeah. I stop working out, I get fat of wear. Wear like NFL team apparel.

[Host]

Only be the quarterback of your football team.

[Sarah Sherman]

Dude, I don't know bad about looking gay. Dude, it's good.

[Eldis]

People want to look gay.

[Sarah Sherman]

Awesome. Everybody loves gay now. It's like the thing everybody loves from.

[Host]

His from his message, I think, like, okay, one thing you should change. It sounds like you are a pussy or you're worried about, like being a pussy or something. He's like, I guess I'm pretty. Nice face. It's like, you know, do you need some more? Is it a self confidence?

[Eldis]

Some more? Eldest hula masculine style? Masculinity.

[Host]

Exactly.

[Sarah Sherman]

You better pray everybody thinks you gay.

[Eldis]

Yeah.

[Sarah Sherman]

If you want an ounce of respect in this universe, you better pray in your hands and gaines that everybody thinks you're gay.

[Eldis]

I say stick with it.

[Sarah Sherman]

Be so lucky.

[Eldis]

I say stick with it. It's nice to be gay. Women will trust you more men.

[Sarah Sherman]

And that's how you get them.

[Eldis]

And that's how you get them.

[Host]

You can manipulate them.

[Eldis]

You can manipulate them. All right, we gotta go, like, texting. So the episode's over.

[Sarah Sherman]

You do you phone in a different room?

[Eldis]

Well, we have to do another episode.

[Host]

Do you want the quick to go?

[Eldis]

No.

[Host]

Okay.

[Eldis]

It's so the episode's over. All right, Sarah, go watch your special on hbo.

[Sarah Sherman]

You have to watch it.

[Eldis]

You do have to watch. And like I said, if you don't like it, unsubscribe and email them, letting them know specifically because of her special.

[Sarah Sherman]

If you like the special, take a screenshot of your favorite moment. Send it to me, Explain why. I'll make a scrapbook. I will. I like it.

[Eldis]

I believe you.

[Sarah Sherman]

Tell me.

[Eldis]

Do that.

[Sarah Sherman]

Tell me what you like about it. Yeah, tell your friends what you like about it. Don't play the Greek music over it.

[Eldis]

Play the Greek music. Fade her out. It's over. Go watch the special. Bye.