#169 - Eric Andre

Summary

Stavvy’s World #169 — Eric Andre (Feb 23, 2026)

Episode Overview

In this rowdy, highly candid episode, Stavros Halkias is joined by comedian/actor/chaos agent Eric Andre. The two riff on everything from juvenile masturbation habits and living like bachelors to wild travel stories, their multicultural upbringings, and, as always, advice for listeners with highly dysfunctional personal problems. Throughout, Stav and Eric balance gross-out humor and real vulnerability, maintaining the absurd, irreverent tone that defines both comics’ brands.

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1. Bachelor Life, Back Pain & Childhood Debauchery

[01:02–05:50]

• Stavros welcomes Eric to his temporary, grim Lower East Side apartment, describing it as “the most depressing... divorced man’s apartment set up right now.”
• Banter about living in squalor and feeling like “Lee Harvey Oswald.”
  • Eric Andre: “You’re living like fucking Lee Harvey Oswald. This is Derek Chauvin right before he went to jail.” (02:11)
• Eric recommends Dr. John Sarno’s back pain book, leading to riffs on flexibility and whether either ever tried to “suck their own dick.”
• Candid talk about childhood masturbation rituals:
  • Eric admits to using his dad’s silk boxers (“I stole and nutted all over... sounded like Velcro coming off the floor.”) (04:04)
  • Both joke about having “jerk-off shorts” and “My Pillow” as an adult catchcloth.

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2. Toilet Taboos, Gender, and Apartment Etiquette

[06:53–10:50]

• Eldis the producer clogs the toilet; Eric says he doesn’t allow men to poop in his apartment:
  • “I don’t let anybody shit in my apartment. You got to go outside, on the street—in the sewer.” (08:08)
• Discussion on who gets toilet privileges based on gender, size, and diet.
• Segues into Stav’s snowed-in survival strategy: eating $120 worth of Indian food over a weekend.

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3. Florida Upbringing, Class Clowns, & Dangerous Friends

[12:11–14:50]

• Eric reflects on his “almost all dead” childhood friends:
  • “A class clown in Florida is just a kid willing to die for a joke.” (12:29)
• Wild friend stories—acid trips, hatchets, bathing in toothpaste.
• Comparing being funny in Florida (life-threatening pranks) vs Stav in Baltimore (just repeating jokes from the Anchorman DVD commentary).
  • “Accuse someone of being gay, later he turns out he is gay. You feel bad.” (14:10)

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4. Parental Divorce, Childhood Hyperactivity

[21:09–22:46, 34:16–37:15]

• Eric’s parents divorced right after his older sister left for college: “It was a real bummer that you’re still around.” (21:19)
• Both discuss parental disengagement and learning about ADD/ADHD.
• Eric shares his high testosterone (and estrogen) levels at 42: “I’m just a sensual man of the earth. Huge pendulous breasts.” (22:29)

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5. Travel Stories: The Wildest Massage in Taiwan

[23:12–31:26]

• Eric recounts a trip to Taiwan with his ex-girlfriend.
• After a night of drinking, they get a “completely normal” couples’ massage.
• A male masseur crosses boundaries (“getting up in my spaghetti and meatballs”), gives Eric an unsolicited blowjob while his girlfriend is in the same room:
  • “He gets two sucks in. I’d never even been jerked off by a guy, let alone get a blow. So I’m like, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait...” (28:02)
  • “He got a thrill out of that. That’s wild. That’s a man living on the edge.” (31:06)
• Reflexive, open discussion about sexuality and surprise arousal.

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6. World Travel: Sperm Whales, Sketchy Places, and Blending In

[31:26–36:13]

• Eric describes swimming with sperm whales in the Caribbean (“they’re just chill ass bros, like sea cows”).
• Reflects on the most dangerous places:
  • “The most danger I’ve ever been in is always in American cities... Gun in my face in Providence, knife in my face in Boston.” (33:25)
• Notes his ability to blend in across cultures due to mixed Haitian/Jewish heritage.
• On traveling safely: “You gotta go with somebody that knows the lay of the land... Comics [comedians] actually have a good structure of community.” (35:24)

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7. Family Origins, Multicultural Background

[36:13–39:09]

• Eric’s mother is Jewish (“a Jew from Harlem”), and father is Haitian from Port-au-Prince.
• Parental divorce, step-parents from Lebanon and Puerto Rico; “getting more beige in the family.” (36:57)
• Stav’s Greek immigrant parents’ story: “Classic old world, don’t consult your wife about anything shit... There was no, like, ‘What do you girls think about moving to America?’” (38:02)

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8. Greek Travel Tips and Yacht Sex Trafficking

[39:09–42:27]

• Eric and Stav on Greece: Milos and Athens, party culture, “high-end sex trafficking” (meaning sugar babies for millionaires).
• “I’m not gonna suck an old man’s dick for a goddamn boat ride! ... Maybe once.” (40:38–40:52)
• Recommending less-touristy Greek islands like Naxos, Andiparos.

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9. The Eric Andre Travel Show Pipelines & Satire on Right-Wing Media

[42:27–46:35]

• Eric shares his travel show “Anthony Bourdain meets Hunter Thompson” is being passed over by networks, pondering a pivot to right-wing streaming sites.
  • “I’ll be the Mr. Beast with no budget... the number one travel show on Rumble.”
• Riffs on conservative media, right-wing “bum fights,” and Andrew Tate jokes.

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10. Historical Atrocities and National Image Rebranding

[54:11–56:16]

• Discussion on how Japan and Italy’s “excellent food culture” erased cultural memory of war crimes.
• “Japan was horrendous... they would, like, do medical experiments, shove live eels in women’s [genitals]... and now you just think of sushi and anime.” (55:09–56:07)

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11. Listener Call-In Advice (Highlights & Timestamps)

A) Anal-Or-Bust Husband (59:31–64:52)

• Caller: Husband refuses any sex unless it’s anal post-childbirth; she’s not into it anymore.
• Eric: “Why are you dating this guy? … There’s 7 billion people—he’s the last two I’d ask advice from.” (60:29)
• Stav: “First of all, don’t [use homophobic slurs]. Your communication issues aren’t the problem if your husband won’t have sex unless it’s anal. That’s wild.” (61:03)
• Both recommend couples/sex therapy.

B) Off-Grid Colorado Guy (66:10–70:51)

• Caller: Laments his off-grid property is being crowded by RVers.
• Eric: “Step on the gas... Drive 20 minutes in any direction!” (68:50)
• Both: If you want remote, move—Colorado is huge.

C) Dude Who Dumped Supportive Girlfriend, Regrets It (72:13–77:43)

• Caller: Dumped amazing girlfriend, now she’s doing local OKC TV ads, can’t move on.
• Eric: “In attachment theory, that’s ‘phantom ex-girlfriend’. Avoidants fantasize about their ex to avoid intimacy in their current relationship.” (75:36)
• Stav: “You shouldn’t have a Google alert for your ex. Move on.”

D) Boyfriend Wants Surgery Using Her Lawsuit Money (78:42–86:29)

• Caller: Won ~$30k in court, boyfriend wants her to fund a “one-inch lift all around” in Brazil (plastic surgery and potential penis enlargement).
• Eric: “Basically, hold on to that money... The boyfriend’s trying to full-body yaaassify himself on your dime and you think he’s coming home loyal?”
• Stav: “This might be as doomed as the anal coercion couple... Stand up for yourself, don’t bankroll a surgery fantasy.”

E) PSA: Good Oral Can Change Your Mind (88:26–89:43)

• Female caller: Used to think she disliked being eaten out, then a new man "changed her world."
• “Maybe you actually would enjoy it if your man was actually good at it.” (89:32)
• Stav & Eric: Celebrate thorough oral technique, “decolonize your [approach to pleasure].”

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12. Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On male friendship in childhood:
  • Eric: “You’re completely out of your mind when you’re jacking off—a wild chimpanzee. Disgusting.” (04:43)
• On being dangerously funny in Florida:
  • Eric: “A class clown in Florida is just a kid willing to die for a joke” (12:29)
• On ethical ambiguity traveling:
  • Eric: “I am white in Africa and Haiti. My dad’s from Haiti. They called me ‘blanc, blanc’… half-blanc.” (35:27)
• On being the last people to ask for advice:
  • Eric: “We’re the last two [of 7 billion] to ask about marriage advice.” (60:48)
• Wildest travel admission:
  • Eric: “He gets two slurps in on my dick and I’m like... no, no, no, wait!” (28:02)
• Advice for RV call:
  • Stav: “If you like being in the sticks, live further in the sticks, dude.” (68:10)
• On penis enlargement surgery:
  • Eric: “If there was a lengthening surgery that worked, we would know about it. We’d be at Cox Mayo Clinic.” (84:47)

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13. Closing & Plugs

[90:12–93:02]

• Eric plugs his own podcast, “Bombing with Eric Andre.”
• Stav hyped up his biggest show to date: Radio City Music Hall, March 28.
• Eric: “The last time I played the Beacon, I got naked. James Dolan called my agent, threatened to call the police.”
• Both close by riffing on their tours and future plans.

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14. Episode Tone

• Maximal irreverence, frequent sexual candor, radical honesty about insecurities, bodily functions, and relationships.
• Black-hearted but big-hearted: emotional support couched in crude humor and relentless self-deprecation.
• Unfiltered, fast-paced, with each riff running wild before snapping into advice or a savage punchline.

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15. Overall Takeaways

• Stavvy’s World remains a safe space for America’s weirdest advice calls, and Eric Andre is an ideal chaos agent guest.
• The best advice sometimes comes sandwiched between stories of getting surprise oral in Taiwan or why you shouldn’t bankroll your boyfriend’s yassification.
• Laugh at yourself, but set boundaries—whether that’s with your pillow, your partner, or your travel plans.

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Notable Timestamps Quick Reference

• 05:45–10:00 — Toilet etiquette and snowed-in living
• 12:19–13:56 — Florida class clown stories
• 23:10–31:26 — Eric Andre’s wild Taiwan massage ordeal
• 59:31–64:52 — Anal-obsessed husband caller
• 66:10–70:51 — Off-grid living, Colorado caller
• 72:13–77:43 — Regretful ex-boyfriend caller
• 78:42–86:29 — Lawsuit-funded plastic surgery boyfriend caller
• 88:26–89:43 — PSA: Good oral technique winner

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For newcomers: This episode is as much about laughs and gross history lessons as it is about the agony and ecstasy of being human, single, coupled, or just a little bit lost. Buckle up.

Transcript

[Stavros Halkias]

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[Caller/Listener]

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[Eric Andre]

Well, the holidays have come and gone once again. But if you've forgotten to get that special someone in your life a gift. Well, Mint Mobile is extending their holiday offer of half off unlimited wireless. So here's the idea. You get it now, you call it an early present for next year. What do you have to lose? Give it a [e-mail] Switch limited time,

[Stavros Halkias]

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[Eric Andre]

$90 for six month or $180 for

[Stavros Halkias]

12 month plan taxes and fees.

[Eric Andre]

Extra speeds may slow after 50 gigabytes per month when network is busy see terms.

[Stavros Halkias]

Welcome Everybody to Stuffies World. 904-800-STEP- CALL IN. We'll solve all your problems on the couch today. Very happy to have Eric Andre.

[Eric Andre]

Hey everybody. Welcome. Welcome. Hollywood Tinseltown.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's right.

[Eric Andre]

You Tinseltown tick tock types are the talk of the town.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's so true.

[Eric Andre]

Drinking your Hollywood hot dog Hogwarts.

[Stavros Halkias]

True as.

[Eric Andre]

How's showbiz, baby?

[Stavros Halkias]

Dude, you're looking at it well. Welcome to the new temporary Lower east side headquarters of Stavi Baby Enterprises.

[Eric Andre]

Nice.

[Stavros Halkias]

We are between students.

[Eric Andre]

I need a new calendar. I need a 2026.

[Stavros Halkias]

I might have one for you right here. We got to find it through all my. I'm moving for the folks at home. But I will get you 12 pictures of my butt cheeks right the fuck now. Yeah, we're. We're, you know, we're all struggling here. We're going through a snow. I. I got snowed in here. There's nothing here. It's the most depressing. It's the most depressing. Like divorced man's apartment set up right now. Like it feels like my. My was just. My wife just left me for a more beautiful man.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And I've got nothing.

[Eric Andre]

You're living like fucking Lee Harvey Oswald. This is a Derek Chauvin right before he went to jail.

[Stavros Halkias]

This Is like Mirage in Vegas. This is what his apartment looked like.

[Eric Andre]

Oh God.

[Stavros Halkias]

But with way more.

[Eric Andre]

And the only picture they had of him was him like doing a shot of Jack Daniel.

[Stavros Halkias]

Seems like a cool guy from what I can see. He seems cool, seems chill.

[Eric Andre]

You don't know his side of it.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. So we're. I'm struggling. I. My backup. You gave me a book to read. That should solve.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah. John Sarno. People know there's Sarno heads out there. Shout out to John Sarno. Howard Stern's a bigger Sarno head. Yeah. So is Larry David.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Now Howard St. Likes him.

[Eric Andre]

Does.

[Stavros Halkias]

Does the. It's about back pain. Does it teach you how to suck your own dick?

[Eric Andre]

Yeah, it teaches you how to remove your ribs. It's co written by Marilyn Manson. And then you can suck your own dick.

[Stavros Halkias]

If. If your back got limber enough. Could you suck your own dick even with the. Now you've got a nice piece.

[Eric Andre]

Could I? Could I.

[Stavros Halkias]

You got a nice piece. You seem like a limber guy.

[Eric Andre]

I don't think I could reach it, but I've never tried to suck my own dick.

[Stavros Halkias]

Were you ever. Were you ever like a thin kid or anything?

[Eric Andre]

I was a very thin kid. I was a little string bean.

[Stavros Halkias]

So you might have at the. But you never attempted to suck. You suck.

[Eric Andre]

No, no, no, no. I was eating fruit by the foot and gushers and I wasn't doing this.

[Stavros Halkias]

Perverse. It didn't even occur.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah, well, I mean you're. You're rubbing your dick all the time when you're a little kid. You know, I'm like watching Baywatch and rubbing my dick against the. Like I would steal my dad's silk boxers and like rub my dick and watch Jenny McCarthy unsingaled out.

[Stavros Halkias]

The silk boxes are a nice touch, dude. Is that when you're treating yourself?

[Eric Andre]

Yeah, well, yeah. I don't know. I was. You know, you're 10, so you're like. You're a wild chimpanzee. It's disgusting. So.

[Stavros Halkias]

And your dad was a silk boxers guy.

[Eric Andre]

I know. I think he just had like one random pair of silk boxers that I stole and nutted all over. Sounded like Velcro coming off the floor. It's like a disgusting having. I love the creepy best employees coming

[Stavros Halkias]

of age of having specific jerk off shorts. Oh yeah.

[Eric Andre]

I think I still do. I think I'm like. I have like the three lightest like shirts that are the jizz rag jerk off. I'm my pillows. I still my pillow.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah.

[Eric Andre]

I My Pillow. Because I'm kind of like. You're not. You're kind of like simulating the interesting. Yeah, well, you could.

[Stavros Halkias]

This is interesting to me because I just feel like that to me is childish behavior. No disrespect.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah, well, your pillow. You're not. You're out of your mind while you're jacking off. You're not like, hey, okay, I'm gonna fudge solve E equals MC squ. You're like completely out of your mind on your you're orangutan state.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, I'm going to my pillow.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Interesting.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah. Well, you're thinking clear thoughts on your jacket off. You're like, oh, you're reading E. Cummings. You're like, oh, interesting.

[Stavros Halkias]

Or that not horny. I just feel like the pillow. The pillow feels like such a to do.

[Eric Andre]

No, no, no. I'm like kind of jerking off and then I'm like, you know, if there's like a sock or shirt near the pillow, I'm kind of like rubbing it all around. You got to get it out. You got to get it out. You got to get it out. You got to get it over with.

[Stavros Halkias]

So you're in a.

[Eric Andre]

So whatever it takes by any means necessary. I'm the Malcolm X.

[Stavros Halkias]

That picture.

[Eric Andre]

Jeans unnecessary.

[Stavros Halkias]

That picture where he's got the gun and he's looking at just you holding a pocket.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah, he has me holding a flashlight.

[Stavros Halkias]

See to Feels like you'd be a candidate for fleshlights if you're a pillow Fun maybe.

[Eric Andre]

Or my pillow. That My pillow guy.

[Stavros Halkias]

My pillow.

[Eric Andre]

Who made the country great again. The country's great again. I don't know if you noticed.

[Stavros Halkias]

I have noticed and I.

[Eric Andre]

They did it great.

[Stavros Halkias]

What if the pillow. What if the secret to the My pillows. And it's just an okay pillow, but it's awesome to.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah, I hope so.

[Stavros Halkias]

What if that's it?

[Eric Andre]

I'd be my. My apartment would be sky high with my pillows. Sticky ass. My pillows.

[Stavros Halkias]

Beautiful. Respect. Well, we to also address before we get into. And I know every time I jerk

[Eric Andre]

off to porn on my phone, I'm like, there's like a Russian KGB guy like watching me jerk off, right?

[Stavros Halkias]

Probably. And the thing is he doesn't see your dick. He just sees your eyes. I think if I had to pick, I'd rather see a random guy's than

[Eric Andre]

his gaze than his jack off stair. Oh, nightmare.

[Stavros Halkias]

I think if I had to pick, it's like, all right, a's a. But that disgusting look in his eyes. That hunger. Those. Yeah.

[Eric Andre]

Horrendous.

[Stavros Halkias]

We should. Look, this is obviously about you, Eric, and we're very happy to have you here.

[Eric Andre]

Whatever.

[Stavros Halkias]

We should address Eldest. This is day two full. Two full days in this apartment. Eldest takes his first shit. Immediately clogs the bathroom. Immediately clogs the. It was after the first couple flushes. Let's start there. So it's not like. You know, it's not like a crime scene in there. It's just some clear water still. But clear water. No shit particles. No.

[Eric Andre]

Well, you should.

[Stavros Halkias]

There's not like turds floating around.

[Eric Andre]

You know, there's always bacteria and stuff. Of course there's always bacteria.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay. Okay.

[Eric Andre]

The bacteria for every time I heard that, brother.

[Stavros Halkias]

So what's is the water up high? What do you mean? There's no shit. It won't flush clean.

[Eric Andre]

I think bring one of those cameras in there.

[Stavros Halkias]

Let's see what we're cooking with. I think by the end of this episode the water will be pretty low and it'll be safe to try another flush to follow up and see if. But the water is at the top of the bowl right now. It was about.

[Eric Andre]

It was like maybe a little past halfway. So I don't know to risk it when it was. When it was like that.

[Stavros Halkias]

But you know, we'll get a plunger in here sooner. Sooner or later. Okay. We'll get to the bottom and what was this a partic. This is just something we need to know with you. Because if this doesn't even feel like it was a run of this feels like a run of the mill. It was. You might be banned from in my apartment.

[Eric Andre]

Well, I don't let. I don't let anybody my apartment crazy. I don't want you go down. You go outside on the street. You in the sewer. Look, get the out of my house. I don't why I wanted to my mom okay. She's 81. He's the only person who's got what the. I'm going to kick my mom out. But yeah guys. No man is coming up. Women can in my house. Of course.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like small women shits.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah like women is fine cuz they're respectful about a man. It's like goddamn rhinoceros loose.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm with you. Actually, you know what? If I had my druthers I would not allow a man to in my apartment.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah, men should not over. Maybe you men got to go downstairs or outside the has to go away.

[Stavros Halkias]

I respect that. And that's. That's gentlemanly of you as well. Now is there A woman who you'd be like. You know what I mean? Like, maybe a bigger girl.

[Eric Andre]

No, no.

[Stavros Halkias]

Maybe a friend of yours who you know is. Is small, but maybe she eats a lot of protein. Give me like, small weightlifting friends. And you're like, I know she's gonna rock my. With those small weightlifting.

[Eric Andre]

All my female bodybuilder friends. That is true. You know, you make it a.

[Stavros Halkias]

You don't really run in those circles.

[Eric Andre]

Well, it's not true.

[Stavros Halkias]

I mean, who's your most jacked female friend, would you say?

[Eric Andre]

I don't know. Great question.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right?

[Eric Andre]

That's just. I'm stumped. I don't know, because there's so many. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

I could see you being randomly friends with, like, someone who does, like, aerial yoga, you know?

[Eric Andre]

Is that some.

[Stavros Halkias]

Some, like, lady on a.

[Eric Andre]

She's doing, like, the.

[Stavros Halkias]

She's got weird.

[Eric Andre]

Yes, the box kind of. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

You have it like, befriended a Cirque du Soleil light.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Who would be friends with one?

[Eric Andre]

I'm not letting her take a. In my house. I'll tell you.

[Stavros Halkias]

So we found.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah, Dad, I draw the line. A man has boundaries. I can only be so many things to so many people. Of course.

[Stavros Halkias]

I get that. I get that. You're right, man. I'm gonna eldis. I think you might have lost your. In my house. Well, look, I don't want to point the finger, but you need to get someone up here to check out the water pressure. That toilet. That. That toilet is not going fast. Listen, Val, this is what these. What this apartment has to offer, okay? And by the way, I'm fat as shit. I've shit a couple times. I took some pretty hefty Indian food shits this weekend because how I got through the snowstorm, Erica, is I just bought $120 worth of Indian food and rationed it for the weekend. That was my equivalent of like.

[Eric Andre]

We live in the medieval times, though the supermarket was open.

[Stavros Halkias]

I hurt my back. You know, it's hard for me to walk.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

So I had to really. I had to make some chicken tandoori, some lamb rogan. Josh. Some fucking Joe Rogan, Lamb Joe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some elk, some fucking curried elk meat. What else did I get going? Chickpeas and the grilled tandoori chicken, a couple rices. You know what I'm saying? Samosa made that last three days. That's it.

[Eric Andre]

What else is at the supermarket? What other foods are at the supermarket?

[Stavros Halkias]

This is about truth, Eric. I'm not stretching.

[Eric Andre]

I guess we're on Truth Social, and

[Stavros Halkias]

we are sponsored by Truth Social Retruth this episode with Eric Andre. We're happy. We're happy we've switched from serious to truth. We're a Truth Social original. Now Stavi's world is moving to Rumble.

[Eric Andre]

Rumble. The boxing gym?

[Stavros Halkias]

No, it's where you could just be. You could just say the N word. It's like the racist YouTube, basically. They're like, YouTube is too lived out. We can't even say straight slurs. So Rumble exists now. So we're on Rumble.

[Eric Andre]

I gotta get on that Rumble.

[Stavros Halkias]

I think you'd actually have a good time. I think you have a good time on Rumble. Rumble is very Rumble. Very Florida coated. And you are a Florida boy.

[Eric Andre]

Oh, yeah, that's right.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know, you must have. You must had some. What's the crew looking like in Florida growing up?

[Eric Andre]

Who are you now? They're almost all dead. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Really? All your childhood friends are dead?

[Eric Andre]

So many overdoses. For real. And I thought that was, like, the norm, that most people like their childhood class clown friends.

[Stavros Halkias]

Of course.

[Eric Andre]

Like, a class clown in Florida is just, like, a kid willing to, like, die for a joke.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right, right. Playing Russian roulette.

[Eric Andre]

Totally. Totally.

[Stavros Halkias]

Isn't this funny?

[Eric Andre]

Totally. Totally. Butterfly knives in school. And, like, sketchy sketchbooks. Totally. Pantera shirt. Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

Dude, I love that Phil ensemble. May he rest in peace. I think he did, right? Dimebag Darrell. Phil's still kicking.

[Eric Andre]

Oh, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

He's still in this deep ass.

[Eric Andre]

Stronger than ever.

[Stavros Halkias]

Sorry, Phil. That's it. So you're. You were. Are you saying you're, like, the tamest in the crew?

[Eric Andre]

I was insane. I was.

[Stavros Halkias]

If you were, like, I really was well balanced.

[Eric Andre]

No, my friend Alex was, like, chasing these kids and threw a little hatchet through the back of their car window and then landed, like, an inch deep in their thing. He's like, whatever. They cut me off, dude. While I was driving. Like, he was totally crazy. He was totally crazy. He would eat Adderall all morning and eat OxyContin all night. He didn't. They didn't last long. He didn't last long.

[Stavros Halkias]

Burn bright.

[Eric Andre]

Last long. Burn bright.

[Stavros Halkias]

Burn bright.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah. He would, like, bathe and, like. He would do acid and bathe and toothpaste.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay.

[Eric Andre]

And his skin would be burning, and he'd be like, ah. How'd he go? He'd be on acid. He'd be like, if God exists you. If God exists you. And he'd be like, alex is crazy, dude.

[Stavros Halkias]

That was the class clown that's what a fun goof was. That's awesome, dude.

[Eric Andre]

Our class clowns are like Gigi Allen.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, that's awesome.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. I was. I was one of the funniest guys. Just for, like, repeating. I heard on the anchorman commentary. That's what was, like, the being that was being funny. Call someone gay. You know What I mean? Baltimore, 2004. Dude, accuse someone of being gay later. Turns out he is gay. You feel bad, Waters? Yeah, no, actually, I lost class clown to a closeted gay guy who might be the funniest guys, right? Because, like, a closeted gay guy's got to be Peter Thiel in high school. Oh, yeah, they're on. They're on. They're on there. They're, like, on the offensive. You know what I mean? Like, because they're funny. Yeah, gay guys are hilarious, right? And they're also like, got to keep.

[Eric Andre]

Keep.

[Stavros Halkias]

Gotta keep you off the scent so they have to strike. Call you fat, call you white.

[Eric Andre]

Okay.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know what I mean? Really get your ass. No, no, I was white. I was one of.

[Eric Andre]

Who was the guy? Was he black?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah.

[Eric Andre]

Oh, black, gay, closeted.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, black.

[Eric Andre]

Why do these lights need to be so bright?

[Stavros Halkias]

Take that up with eldest man. I don't know what to tell you.

[Eric Andre]

Really did, like. Like, there's a light. There's two lights per one camera.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's right.

[Eric Andre]

You need three.

[Stavros Halkias]

We have a pro setup.

[Eric Andre]

Me and you hanging out.

[Stavros Halkias]

I think Elvis is making up for cl. My toilet.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

I had a crazy.

[Eric Andre]

Especially this light. This is like, just lighting. Nothing. I think.

[Stavros Halkias]

I think we're getting the backdrop, maybe.

[Eric Andre]

Getting the backdrop, getting those blinding. It's like, I can see, like, the veins in my retina pulsating. Like a Ren and Stimpy. Still see, like, cells floating in my people.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, we got the casting, lighting set up. Familiar with.

[Eric Andre]

It's weird, like, going to countries where porn is illegal.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Eric Andre]

Like in Korea and India, like, I would be my ride. Get a jack off and go to bed. And it'd be like, no, you're not. I'm like, come on, man. Korean bathing suit. Many, many countries, porn's illegal.

[Stavros Halkias]

Damn, dude. The south is like that, where you have to go through. You have to, like. In England. I was in London. They got a. You got to scan your face. It's up, dude.

[Eric Andre]

Oh, yeah. France is doing that too. But that's more to, like, keep children. Prevent children from watching it. That's not like porn is illegal.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's crazy, dude.

[Eric Andre]

That's just.

[Stavros Halkias]

You should Be able. A child should be able.

[Eric Andre]

How's the boy gonna become?

[Stavros Halkias]

Child should be able to watch pornography.

[Eric Andre]

I did. I watched like snuff footage on Ebam's World. I would watch like, this woman was crushed at a industrial factory by a. Rotten dot com and all that. I would destroy my mom's computer downloading, like nightmare footage. This guy was run over by his team while I was doing my homework.

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't know why it's running so slow. I was on homework dot com.

[Eric Andre]

Trying to download like a JPEG of Jenna Jameson that's coming in, like, coming across the top matrix printer.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, I got in trouble for just crushing a whole, like, thing of ink on a picture of Trish Stratus and you could see her nipples through a white T shirt.

[Eric Andre]

Why'd you have a thing. You had a thing of ink, like a Ben Franklin quill dipped in.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know how expensive toner and shit was? Dude, that was probably like a forty dollar picture.

[Eric Andre]

Ike Baron Holtz told me that when he, like, worked at like the. He worked for the. The MTA of Chicago. Like, he worked for the bus station, like, basically. And like, it was like Gen 1 Internet. He's like, dude, I'm gonna print out Madonna's sex book. He printed it out. He printed it out at work. Forgotten. His boss came back like, don't print this out. I'm going to Portillo's. I don't need this shit.

[Stavros Halkias]

I love. It's like that's old Internet where it's like the printer had like the little pieces of paper up top. Remember little. The dots?

[Eric Andre]

Oh, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

The circles.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

The respect. So that's black and white. Shout out to Ike Barinholz. Man, jacking off. Just jacking off in the fucking Chicago mta. Forgetting the sex books.

[Eric Andre]

Nuts. I remember every piece of gear to download it. 4 years to print it,

[Stavros Halkias]

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[Eric Andre]

No. I have an older sister.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, you have an older sister. Oh, so. But you were destroying the. The computer.

[Eric Andre]

My sister's eight years older than me, so she was already out of the house. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, yeah. So. But when you're in your prime.

[Eric Andre]

So when I was, like, 10, she was off to college.

[Stavros Halkias]

Nice.

[Eric Andre]

So then I was, you know, destroying computers left and right.

[Stavros Halkias]

And were your parents just d. Like, did they. Did parenting one child take it out of them?

[Eric Andre]

They got divorced, like, right when my sister left, like, when I was, like, 11 or 12.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, so it was a real bummer that you're still around.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah, she's gone.

[Stavros Halkias]

We're divorced. We still got to figure out this piece of. He's doing whippets with a kid with neck tattoos.

[Eric Andre]

I wasn't. I wasn't with the crazy kids. At first.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay, okay, okay.

[Eric Andre]

In middle school, I started getting really hyper and crazy, so I was still getting, like, straight A's.

[Stavros Halkias]

And this must have been some, like, undiagnosed add, right?

[Eric Andre]

Yeah. Yeah, I know. Probably.

[Stavros Halkias]

I mean, knowing you, it is. You tell me. You still don't know. You tell me. Everyone in your life hasn't told you. You. You were late because you went to the grocery store before the podcast.

[Eric Andre]

I was so hyper in school. I was crazy in school.

[Stavros Halkias]

So, yeah. Yeah, I was.

[Eric Andre]

Especially when I started pressing puberty. I was not.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, really? The puberty?

[Eric Andre]

And then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When the testosterone started, I was like.

[Stavros Halkias]

So I'm. I'm understanding the. Why you're still pillows. Yeah, this is, like, still.

[Eric Andre]

When you get. I got my testosterone tested when I turned 40. I'm 42.

[Stavros Halkias]

Nice.

[Eric Andre]

And the doctor goes, you still have, like, tonic testosterone.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're like a bull hell.

[Eric Andre]

And I was like, hell, yeah. So how's the estrogen? He's like, that's really high too. You got, like, titties and hormoned up. I'm just like, a sensual man of the earth. Huge, pendulous breast.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. How's the titties? How are your titties?

[Eric Andre]

Are your titties nice titties?

[Stavros Halkias]

Are your titties now? Do you like. Are they, like, sensitive?

[Eric Andre]

They're sensitive.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're getting your dick sucked. Are you playing with your nipples?

[Eric Andre]

I'm not. Not playing.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're not looking for it, but I'm

[Eric Andre]

not looking for it.

[Stavros Halkias]

But you're anyone to stop.

[Eric Andre]

That's kind of how I am with any sexual activity. I'm like, I didn't think that I was into that, but guess what? Turns out I am.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, yeah, I saw a clip of. I saw a clip online where you talking about going to Thailand or something? Taiwan.

[Eric Andre]

Taiwan.

[Stavros Halkias]

Couples massage.

[Eric Andre]

So I went with my ex.

[Stavros Halkias]

Ex, okay.

[Eric Andre]

She's Taiwanese. She wanted to surprise her dad, and I wanted to go there.

[Stavros Halkias]

He was giving you the massage?

[Eric Andre]

He was giving me the massage. So he went to his massage parlor. No. So she and.

[Stavros Halkias]

And my.

[Eric Andre]

My friends. International tea master. He's from Miami. He's this Cuban stoner dude, and he goes to Taiwan three times a year. Tea master. He's obsessed with tea.

[Stavros Halkias]

Sick.

[Eric Andre]

So Taiwan has the best tea in the world, right?

[Stavros Halkias]

Really? Okay. Sick.

[Eric Andre]

All the tea culture like that.

[Stavros Halkias]

Taiwan seems awesome. I want to go. Yeah, yeah.

[Eric Andre]

So he's always there. So I was like, why don't you surprise your dad? I go hang out with.

[Stavros Halkias]

His name is Top Notch chamomile.

[Eric Andre]

Top notch. Song Suong. I'm drinking tea of the gods, right? And that's what's awesome about you.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're lit. You literally just mean I'm drinking awesome tea.

[Eric Andre]

Just tea. There's no euphemism, there's no metaphor like tea. Like PG tips, Earl Grey, who's awesome at tea. I have a friend, he's the first western. His joke is, I'm the first round guy who won the International Tea Conference in Vegas. Everywhere year, it's always like 200 year old Chinese common for you guys. And he's just as like Miami Cuban stoner dude. That makes amazing tea. So shout out to Michael.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay, so you're in, you're going.

[Eric Andre]

So I go to meet up with him and I'm dating a Taiwanese gal. Her dad lives there. So I was like, we'll surprise your dad. So she's taking me around Taipei. We're drinking, we're having a blast. The food's amazing there. And she goes, you know, it's like it's part of the culture to get to go to a massage parlor after a night of drinking. Not like a jack off place, just like a total Williams spa. It's like a way to wind down after drinking. I was like, awesome, that sounds sick. We go into this place, it looks totally normcore. Fluorescent lighting. There's old people playing mahjong and reading the paper in the front. It's three, four in the morning, maybe five in the morning.

[Stavros Halkias]

Damn.

[Eric Andre]

And it's like men and women work there. It's bright, it's not all dark and like, you know what I mean?

[Stavros Halkias]

Brothel window.

[Eric Andre]

No blackout windows. It's not brothel at all.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yes.

[Eric Andre]

So I'm like, okay, we'll get a couple's massage and a massage there. A massage in America is like luxury, so it's really expensive. Massage there is like going to the grocery store. It's like 40 bucks for two hours. Whatever. So we get a couple's massage.

[Stavros Halkias]

Same room.

[Eric Andre]

Same room. She's on one side, she's a female therapist. I'm on the other side. I have a male therapist. They put a little, like a little dinky curtain, like a little airplane blanket between us.

[Stavros Halkias]

Sure.

[Eric Andre]

Totally normal. Getting a massage. She's getting rubbed on, I'm gonna rub down. Then the guy starts getting up in my spaghetti and meatballs and I'm face down. I'm not, I'm not giving you the underneath.

[Stavros Halkias]

He's going.

[Eric Andre]

He's just getting real close and comfortable. He's going Crazy. He's grazing. And I'm like, don't get a boner. Don't be gay. Don't get a boner. I get a raging heart on. I'm like, I'm getting the high E. So I'm rock hard up. Like, dude, this guy's like, give me a boner. And I was like, all right. And my girlfriend and the other lady is right there. I'm like, hey. So he flips me over, and I'm like, you got to get your boner to chill. You're, like, trying to get your boner to come down. And he starts going all around boner

[Stavros Halkias]

town, and I'm getting.

[Eric Andre]

I'm like, a heart. He's not attractive. He's like. He's just, like a schlubby.

[Stavros Halkias]

Doesn't seem like a. I mean, not that he. Anything, just a regular.

[Eric Andre]

No, he was slow. He was kind of schlubby. He wasn't like. Like. He wasn't, like, masseuse a good. So I'm like, you know what?

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm feminine about it.

[Eric Andre]

No, no. He's not particularly, like, effeminate or feminine. So, like, he's.

[Stavros Halkias]

Facial hair.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah, he's kind of got some scraps.

[Stavros Halkias]

Sounds hot.

[Eric Andre]

So, you know, so he's, like, doing his thing. And then I'm like. And then he goes. And I'm rock hard. I'm like, God damn it.

[Stavros Halkias]

And then I'm, like, flipped over.

[Eric Andre]

And I'm flipped over. I'm, like, pitching a 10. Fully pitching a 10. It looks like fucking. When you're like, a ghost for Halloween as a little kid, you know? So I'm like, fuck. And I'm looking at my girlfriend and see if she's noticing, and then. And then he goes. And he speaks no English. He just goes, it's okay. And I'm like, yeah, it's okay. What do you mean, it's okay? It's okay. And he goes, it's okay. And I'm like, yeah, man. And in my mind, I'm like, if you're talking about jerking me off right now, just fucking do it. Get it over with. Make sure the fucking girls don't hear, because I've crossed. My mind is already crossed the point of no return.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's been hard for.

[Eric Andre]

I'm like, just get it out. Yeah, get the poison out. Of course it's okay. I'm like, yeah, it's okay. It's okay. And I don't know what, like, culturally, I'm like, maybe this is just. Maybe I'm Thinking the wrong.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right.

[Eric Andre]

He goes, no, it's okay. It's okay. I'm like, yeah, it's okay. Just shut the up, you know? Like, the girls are there. Just. Just get over. So I close my eyes, and then I feel like. Like a hot octopus, you know, on my dick. And I'm like, oh, dude, he's going to town on my dick. He's, like, jerking me off. Then I look, he's giving me a blow job, full. He gets two sucks in. And I've jerked off by a guy, let alone get a blow. So I'm like, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Like, it was, like, too much for me at once, you know? I mean, I was like, no. And I knock on his head like a door. Like, I'm like, the girls. I was like, the girls are here. I was like, dude, maybe if, you know, later. I come back, she goes to sleep. She goes to sleep. I come through the back. We, you know, we. We horse around a little bit. So he gets too full. Like, slurp, slurp. And I'm like. And he's just like. And then I'm like, oh, stress. I'm like, this is crazy. I'm having, like, a homosexual awakening. So then the massage finishes normal. They leave.

[Stavros Halkias]

You don't nut?

[Eric Andre]

No. I don't know. I'm, like, backed up. But I'm like. I'm, like, in hysterics, you know?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yes.

[Eric Andre]

And I tell my girlfriend.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm like, the surprise of the suck took you out of the moment.

[Eric Andre]

It was too much. Maybe if the girls weren't there, I would have just been like, all right, I'm in Taipei, baby. Let's go.

[Stavros Halkias]

Let's take the if out of that statement. Let's go ahead. If it was a thicker curtain, you'd probably suck to completion, let alone if they weren't there. So if it was sound dampening at all.

[Eric Andre]

Duvette or something. Foley blankets. So the massage therapists leave, and I tell my girlfriend. I'm like, dude, that guy just fucking rubbed. Jerked me off and sucked my dick. She's like. She's like, what? You told me this is part of. Part of the cultural thing. She goes, that's not what I. I'm like, dude, that guy sucked my dick. I'm not even joking. And she's dying. Laughing. She's dying. She's like, did you like it? And I was, like, instantly cunty. I, like, found out what kind of gig I was. I was like, nah, he was pudgy. Yeah, I was like a.

[Stavros Halkias]

But if he was hot, that's awesome. He was hot.

[Eric Andre]

I would. I would have gotten, like, a better sound for me, but. And then, like, the worst part was I walked out. And immediately my girlfriend goes off and goes to the bathroom, and her female therapist is long gone. It's just me and the dude in the hallway, like. And I'm just like, you like sports? You want some tea or. I got a tea guy here. Yeah, you hang out with him.

[Stavros Halkias]

He's in the crew. He sucks your friend off for some oolong.

[Eric Andre]

That was it. I had a homosexual awakening in Taipei.

[Stavros Halkias]

The rest of that trip, you're thinking about that guy sucking your. You're at dinner with her. Your. Her dad.

[Eric Andre]

She was like. She was.

[Stavros Halkias]

Got to be in the back.

[Eric Andre]

Oh, we were not. The back of my head. The front of my. We didn't. We didn't stop talking about it the whole trip. We're like, we got to hit that guy up.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's respect to that guy, too, for sucking dick in a couple's massage. You know, he.

[Eric Andre]

That's. He sent it.

[Stavros Halkias]

He got a. He got a thrill out of that.

[Eric Andre]

That's wild.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's a man living on the edge.

[Eric Andre]

That's wild.

[Stavros Halkias]

I kind of respect.

[Eric Andre]

I ti. My cap to that cap to you, sir.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's like trying to get three stars on the mission. You know what I mean? He's trying to be. He's trying to be as gay and sneaky as possible. That's awesome, dude.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah, it was wild.

[Stavros Halkias]

You. I'm always. I'm jealous that you've traveled like a dude. Every time I text you, you're like, I'm in Zimbabwe. You're always somewhere cool.

[Eric Andre]

Let's go to Greece. I would love to go to Macedonia.

[Stavros Halkias]

I would love to go to Greece. I want to do a whole road trip, but I want to go somewhere. Where did you just. Where'd you just come back from? You were in the.

[Eric Andre]

I was in Barbados, Dominica, Martinique, and St. Lucia. Hell, yeah. Yeah, brother.

[Stavros Halkias]

Get some rays.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah, brother. I swam with the sperm whales.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, nice.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah. Speaking of sperm.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Eric Andre]

Let me flex some sperm.

[Stavros Halkias]

Please show us some sperm whale content.

[Eric Andre]

Gonna flex on you hard.

[Stavros Halkias]

My g. That is awesome, dude. So you're just go. You're. You're a beach bum. You're also. You took a sick trip to Africa last year.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah. Yeah. I'm going back this year. I'm going to a cocktail festival in South Africa. We good? This is me and My friend.

[Stavros Halkias]

What the.

[Eric Andre]

Swimming with the sp, Bro.

[Stavros Halkias]

These whales? Yes, in this. The eldest. That's. You're so close to those whales.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah, we were swimming right at them

[Stavros Halkias]

and they would just go, they're just chill bros.

[Eric Andre]

They're just chill ass bros. They're like sea cows.

[Stavros Halkias]

Holy.

[Eric Andre]

Dude, it's wild.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's awesome.

[Eric Andre]

Wild.

[Stavros Halkias]

What's. Is that the largest animal you've been near?

[Eric Andre]

Yeah, it's a whale. What's the. What's. No, I was actually a T. Rex. I went to Jurassic Park.

[Stavros Halkias]

The Megalodon, dude. The big ass shark. That's crazy.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah. Yeah, man.

[Stavros Halkias]

Damn. Did you feel. Were you just like. That's a beautiful time stood still?

[Eric Andre]

I felt like I was on Mars, man. Gorgeous.

[Stavros Halkias]

Is that the. What's your favorite trip you took or what's the wildest you saw?

[Eric Andre]

Haiti was pretty wild and wild as in like, like, like there's no laws there kind of place. Haiti is like, there's no laws. There's places in the Phil. There's parts of the Philippines and parts of Brazil. There's. I was like, this is gnarly property.

[Stavros Halkias]

But yeah, I'm scared of. I'm definitely scared of parts of Brazil. Like, parts of Brazil and then parts of. Yeah.

[Eric Andre]

I'll be honest with you. The most danger I've ever been in my life is always in American cities.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah. My face in Providence, Knife in my face in Boston. I mean, you're from Baltimore, right? Like, dude, like, I don't know. Like, people think like, oh, the world's not that scary. I mean, we give guns to every. Every one of our citizens has guns and like, whiskey.

[Stavros Halkias]

No, it's true. I mean, it's just. It's a danger I understand better. You know what I mean? Like, I don't know, like, you.

[Eric Andre]

You.

[Stavros Halkias]

You like, without realizing, got your dick sucked. What if that guy was a violent criminal? That guy was able to sneak your. In his mouth.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Imagine if he was trying to rob you or. Or kill you. Okay. Yeah, no, I'm. I am scared. I mean, when I was younger, I was like scared of. Of like anything I didn't understand at all. Like, I was scared of China and like that. But now I want to go.

[Eric Andre]

I mean, it always seems scarier before you go. And then when you land, you're like, oh, this is totally normal.

[Stavros Halkias]

Everybody's.

[Eric Andre]

And like 90 of people on Earth are not like violent sociopathic criminals. They're just like, want to like.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Eric Andre]

Eat food and go to bed.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's more the, like The. The tourist scams, you know what I mean? Especially when you're fat.

[Eric Andre]

You got to go with somebody that, like, knows the lay of the land, and they can avoid that. You need a fixer if you're fat.

[Stavros Halkias]

If you're a fat white man in

[Eric Andre]

a Hawaiian shirt, These are rubbing China.

[Stavros Halkias]

They're rubbing. The scammers are ready, dude. They're ready to sexually coerce you. Yeah, they're ready to rob you.

[Eric Andre]

You gotta go if you have a local on the ground. That's the best. That's the best. And now, like, with the contacts I've made and just through Instagram, I'll just throw up. Like, comics are good. Good. Like, when I was in Hong Kong, I was like, hey, any Hong Kong comedians out here? And a bunch of people reached out. I met a bunch of comedians in India. Like, they can tap you in because they're on the same wavelength as you and your pursuits. But also they know the different languages and they know where to go and know where not to go. So, like, comics actually, like, have a good structure of community.

[Stavros Halkias]

I feel you could also blend in a nice way. A lot of places.

[Eric Andre]

I'm ethically ambiguous.

[Stavros Halkias]

You really could you put a hat.

[Eric Andre]

I am white in Africa and Haiti. I'm Haitian. My dad's from Haiti. And they were like, blanc, blanc. Blanc, blanc. Yeah. I was, like, half blond.

[Stavros Halkias]

How dare you? Damn, dude. Pierre was from Haiti.

[Eric Andre]

Pierre was reported Prince. Haiti. Yeah, dude. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. That's sick.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

What kind of. What. What were your parents into?

[Eric Andre]

What were they, like, what they do for straight dog? They were sucking at all, like, a Taiwanese massage therapist.

[Stavros Halkias]

Wait, what? You grew up in South Florida?

[Eric Andre]

Like, yeah, yeah. I was born in Miami, and I was raised, like, in the suburbs. Boca Raton, where Jerry Seinfeld's fictional parents are. Oh, my mom's still down there. My mom's still down there.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's kind of perfect.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Your destroyer. Your mom's Jewish?

[Eric Andre]

Yeah, she's a Jew from Harlem.

[Stavros Halkias]

I mean, that's kind of Jew from Harlem. Ending up in Boca Raton is almost like. Yeah, exactly.

[Eric Andre]

Right? Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. That's where. That's, like, where.

[Eric Andre]

So Jews go to die. God's waiting room.

[Stavros Halkias]

Do you ever consider doing the Kramer and moving into a retirement? Retirement community?

[Eric Andre]

No, I grew up in that. I grew up and escaped that, you know, around all old people. That was my whole childhood.

[Stavros Halkias]

When they. When your parents got divorced, did you live with one of them more than the other?

[Eric Andre]

I lived with my mom, but my dad was in the same town, like, you know, 10 minutes away.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, okay.

[Eric Andre]

So it's not like, you know, he didn't move like to a different.

[Stavros Halkias]

We get any step family.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah, and I got a stepmom. My dad remarried a Lebanese woman.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, interesting.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Getting more beige in the family. You know what I mean? It was like, let's get Lebanese. He's.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Nice.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay.

[Eric Andre]

And then they got divorced and then he was dating this like Puerto Rican Haitian chick.

[Stavros Halkias]

Shout out to Pierre.

[Eric Andre]

And then he died. Then he broke up with her and he died.

[Stavros Halkias]

Damn, dude, when the is so good.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah, Once it's taken away through an email, dude. Or you, like, wrote her a letter. Me and my sister, like, dad, that's harsh, dude. You were dating that woman for three years, you coward. Like, you gotta break up with her in person. At least a phone call. He's like, no, I wrote her a letter. You know, I'm like, you were a chicken. Yeah, that's hard.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's crazy.

[Eric Andre]

He's like, what if I fall and you need to go to the hospital. She won't be here. I'm like, okay, well, yeah, that's the reason. But I don't know, maybe express, like. Yeah, communicate better than. Yeah, communication wasn't a structure.

[Stavros Halkias]

Listen, immigrant dads.

[Eric Andre]

Immigrant dads. What's your parents.

[Stavros Halkias]

Parents Greek.

[Eric Andre]

Both Greek. No, but like from Greece.

[Stavros Halkias]

From Greece. They came here in like 82.

[Eric Andre]

Oh, you're first generation.

[Stavros Halkias]

First generation.

[Eric Andre]

Why did they move? Why did they leave Greece?

[Stavros Halkias]

They left because my mom's. My mom's parents were here. My. My grandfather moved to Greece. Some real classic old world, don't consult your wife about anything. Shit. He just got it. He got a job offer in Greece to move to America. And he just comes home, my grandfather, my mom's dad, and he just comes home one day. He's like, by the way, I'm moving to. We're moving to America. I'm going to head over there for six months, save up money, and then send for you. There was no, like, what do you girls think about moving to America? There was like, I'm moving to America. And so they came to visit them and like, save up money. And then they just. And then they couldn't.

[Eric Andre]

Your parents came to visit your grandpa. Grandpa. And like, save up money. And then they just stayed in Baltimore.

[Stavros Halkias]

In Baltimore.

[Eric Andre]

Greek community in Baltimore.

[Stavros Halkias]

It was a Greek community in Baltimore. Although the funny thing is a lot

[Eric Andre]

of Greek people in Australia, I noticed

[Stavros Halkias]

Melbourne, second most Greeks outside of Greece.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And by the way, great Greek food I've said it before. Killer stalactites.

[Eric Andre]

Can you speak Greek?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Eric Andre]

Can you read the Alphabet?

[Stavros Halkias]

I can read. I can read like a child. You know what I mean? Like, if I read it fully.

[Eric Andre]

Fluent.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, fluent.

[Eric Andre]

Wow.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's like. But it's like when I start rolling and I really want to communicate, it's a little annoying because it's like, you know, I talk for a living.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And I have like a. I have to translate and it takes forever. But.

[Eric Andre]

But you got Uzo at the house.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, we got. Well, not here. We gotta restock the. We just moved in. But yeah, growing up. Absolutely. I mean, totally. And if. If in Greece.

[Eric Andre]

A little leaf with the rice in it.

[Stavros Halkias]

Sure. Dormades.

[Eric Andre]

For sure.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Eric Andre]

And.

[Stavros Halkias]

And so they're. But yeah, they. They.

[Eric Andre]

Greece was fun. I had fun in Greece.

[Stavros Halkias]

Where'd you go?

[Eric Andre]

What'd you do? I did. I went to Athens and I went to Milos.

[Stavros Halkias]

Milos. Great. Yeah. Great island.

[Eric Andre]

I want to be. That's not really my cup of tea. I was just, like, observed and left.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's not a lot of cheeks.

[Eric Andre]

A lot of.

[Stavros Halkias]

She's smoking 500 hookahs.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That wasn't for me.

[Stavros Halkias]

A lot of sex trafficking.

[Eric Andre]

Oh, God. Really? I didn't notice that. It seemed more like, like, high end sex trafficking. Euro burning man, kind of like house music, super rich people.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's just become completely over the top rich people. And when I say sex traffic, I mean, like, you know, millionaires paying, like, models.

[Eric Andre]

Sugar babies.

[Stavros Halkias]

Sugar babies.

[Eric Andre]

Sugar baby.

[Stavros Halkias]

Sugar baby. Sex trafficking.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

That type of stuff.

[Eric Andre]

A guy with a yacht, like, oh, yeah, yeah. Oil baron troll with a yacht and

[Stavros Halkias]

a sugar baby paper scissors who has to suck his dick.

[Eric Andre]

God damn it.

[Stavros Halkias]

All right, Keep losing.

[Eric Andre]

He's like, I don't care, man. People want to be on a boat that bad. I mean, I like.

[Stavros Halkias]

Boats are. Not that I thought about that.

[Eric Andre]

I like a boat, but I'm not gonna suck an old man's dick for a goddamn boat ride. Worth it. God damn. You really want to be a.

[Stavros Halkias]

Maybe once.

[Eric Andre]

Maybe you stuck in my once.

[Stavros Halkias]

And then you're like, all right, this wasn't worth it. And you have to learn. But when you re. You love a boat that much, go to the beach. Yeah, the beach is so much better. And that's the grease I like is like. Like the non. Tourist islands where it's like, what are the non.

[Eric Andre]

That's what I. That's what I'd want to go to.

[Stavros Halkias]

You just I mean, you just want.

[Eric Andre]

But it's, like, rustic. Even Milos was, like, rustic.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah. Milos is good. That's a pretty good one. And it's just kind of like the further you want to get from there, the ones that are, like, less like anything in that island chain, the Klades, the Cyclades or whatever, they're going to be pretty touristy. But, like, if you go to, like, Andipa, like, there's Bos, there's Andiparos, there's like, I like Naxos. It's the biggest one. It's like the capital. But it's, like, not as crazy as, like, you just don't want to go to Miko. You don't want to go to Santorini, basically.

[Eric Andre]

No.

[Stavros Halkias]

And then it's like, from there, you want to try some on the other side, you know, go to, like, Icaria, all that kind of.

[Eric Andre]

There's like, give me all that. And I want to do former Yugoslavia, Montenegro, all that.

[Stavros Halkias]

I kind of want to go to Croatia. Croatia looks awesome.

[Eric Andre]

You know what I'm saying? I want to stay at a lighthouse in Croatia type of life. I'm trying to want to live. When are you going to Greece next? We'll go. We'll film some.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Eric Andre]

If I'm trying to do a new show where I just film, that's smart. Anthony Bourdain meets, you know, Hunter Thompson.

[Stavros Halkias]

You would actually be great at that because you actually do do that.

[Eric Andre]

I pitched it all over town. Hbo, pass, Netflix, pass. Everybody pass. I'm just gonna do the YouTube. I'll be the Mr. Beast with no budget. Shoestring 1.99 Mr. Beast.

[Stavros Halkias]

It'll do well, though. It will do well.

[Eric Andre]

Hopefully once I get on Rumble or Ramble or whatever, the.

[Stavros Halkias]

Get on Rumble.

[Eric Andre]

The N word every episode.

[Stavros Halkias]

Get whatever, whatever type considered the lowest to fight each other, do bum fights in each country, find whatever their N word is, and then make them fight. And then you'll be the number one

[Eric Andre]

travel show on Rumble, Another Andrew Tate production. The top, the theme song is Hal Hitler by Kanye West.

[Stavros Halkias]

Dude, you'll do numbers.

[Eric Andre]

Smart.

[Stavros Halkias]

That right. That right. Pivot. You get mad. No one picked up. No one picked up your travel show. You go, right. That would be so funny, dude. The other black guy. The other, like, the black dudes who just go right because they can't get a mainstream entertainment crew would be so pissed to see you coming. Like a real entertainer decided to go right. Well, there goes my whole.

[Eric Andre]

I moved to Austin for this dude.

[Stavros Halkias]

I was Trying to be Gutfeld's token black guy. Andre just took the whole thing. You do conservative Eric Andre show. That would be awesome.

[Eric Andre]

Sins with Tucker Carlson.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. You surprise what happened to men in America.

[Eric Andre]

He's like, Jiminy Glick.

[Stavros Halkias]

He is on his Jiminy Glick. I would love Jiminy Glick v. Tucker.

[Eric Andre]

Oh, man.

[Stavros Halkias]

That would be a nice. That would be a nice. You surprised Kyle Rittenhouse. You're with a guy with a gun. He's like, you do Eric Andre.

[Eric Andre]

This is what I've been saying. I think the judge and Luigi sentencing should be like. If you can hunt, find, and kill Kyle Rittenhouse, you're off scot free. Other than that electric chair. Like the right wing shooter versus the left wing shooter. That would be fun.

[Stavros Halkias]

That would be fun.

[Eric Andre]

Rittenhouse versus Luigi. Somebody's gotta like, Trump's got a pardon Luigi so that he can have a rumble in the jungle Hunger Games.

[Stavros Halkias]

Hunger Games.

[Eric Andre]

Hunger Games. Games.

[Stavros Halkias]

They just.

[Eric Andre]

They can. They have. They have GPS trackers that can track each other, and they have to hunt each other down. Whoever wins. Yep. That gets to be the next two president.

[Stavros Halkias]

Then you get to be vice president. Yeah, I like that. It would be cool if they gave. If they gave Luigi some kind of, like, listen. Yeah. Some task, like, you have to kill, like, 10 more CEOs or something. And if you. If you don't get all 10, you're going to jail. If you get all 10, you win. You know what I mean? You win. I would like to see him get a couple of the, you know, something like that going.

[Eric Andre]

I think that's the plot of Die Hard with a Vengeance. You know, when they played growing up, when they played I Die Hard with a Vengeance on tv, they changed Bruce Willis's sandwich word to I hate everybody. And Samuel Jackson's like, oh, hell no. I see a dead man. There's only humanitarians up in Harlem. I know you hate everybody. No misanthropes up in here.

[Stavros Halkias]

We are humanists. Us black criminals in the 90s are humanists.

[Eric Andre]

I hate everybody. I know.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's.

[Eric Andre]

That's Mr. Falcon.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Some of the best. Some of the best editing. That's the lost art.

[Eric Andre]

That is the lost art.

[Stavros Halkias]

The made for tv.

[Eric Andre]

Totally a lost art. That is true. I would look forward to, like, how the. Are they gonna make this two Live cruise song work?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Eric Andre]

Oh, me so hungry. It'd be like, Weird Al, me hungry long.

[Stavros Halkias]

Me feed you long time. Oh, me so hungry. Dude, we actually got ourselves a Weird Al hit on Our hands. Me feed you long time.

[Eric Andre]

We're trying to kick off our rumble channel and we got a pitch for you.

[Stavros Halkias]

Or that could just be the commercial for our Vietnamese restaurant. Be so hungry.

[Eric Andre]

That's gotta exist. There has to be some little shack in Houston.

[Stavros Halkias]

Hungry.

[Eric Andre]

Please be so hungry.

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't know, man. It might be just stupid and racist enough to not exist. And what do we got? Oh, what a surprise. Eldest cannot work. See a place called Miso Hungry two in San Francisco.

[Eric Andre]

You thought the first was gonna get ready for the sequel. All right. Such a good pun. They skipped right ahead.

[Stavros Halkias]

I stand corrected, Eric. Your instincts were better than mine.

[Eric Andre]

He's so hungry too. Electric boogaloo. D minus. Health reading.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But good stuff. Great names. Great names folks. You know me. I'm a glasses wearer. But I got a big head. I'm always looking for a bargain. I don't know what's going to fit on me. What's going to be worth my cash? Looking for glasses online has been a hassle, but with Warby Parker they make it easy to get well designed, high quality prescription eyewear without the usual hassle. With Warby Parker, you can use virtual Try on and see how frames look on your face in real time using your phone. I'm a computer guy, but phone or computer, whatever. Prescription glasses start at $95. They also offer contacts, online, eye exams, sunglasses and over 300 retail stores across the US. As you can see, I'm wearing the Downings right now. English Oak Matte. If you want to swag or jack me completely and you know I'm looking cute as a button in these things thanks to Warby Parker. If you want to be like me, go to Warby Parker. Warby Parker gives you quality and better looking prescription eyewear at a fraction of the going price. Our listeners get 15% off plus free shipping when they buy two or more pairs of prescription glasses at warbyparker.com Stavi W A R B Y that's 15% off when you buy two pairs at W A R B Y parker.com after you purchase they will ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them Stavies world sent you. Please. You know, once I found myself I had freshly quit a very successful podcast. I wanted to focus on stand up and I thought to myself wait, why did I do that? Podcasting is annoying but but it makes a tremendous amount of money. Maybe I can start my own show. I'll need a good employee. Well, I don't have that, I won't be able to find a good producer. Hopefully there's a company that can help me grow because it won't be my employees that do that. Lucky for me, lucky for us here at Stavie Baby Enterprises, that company was Shopify. Starting something new isn't just hard, it can be terrifying. Especially when you're starting a business business. That's why it helps to have a partner like Shopify by your side. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e commerce in the US from household names like Magic Spoon, which we love, to allbirds to Chubbies Momofuku. Slurp some nude news to brands just getting started. Get the word out like you have a marketing team behind you. With Shopify, you can easily create email and social media campaigns wherever your customers customers are scrolling or strolling. I love Shopify. We use it to sell all our merch Here at Stavie Baby Enterprises, they are a bang up partner with us. They track everything. They're letting us know all our inventory. It's a beautiful. You know there's more but I'm too stupid to actually know exactly what it does. But I'll tell you, it works really well. We move a lot of calendars and that would be impossible without Shopify. It's time to turn those what ifs into sales with Shopify. Today. Today. Sign up for your $1 per month trial at shopify.comstavi go to shopify.comstavi that's shopify.comst a vy what would.

[Eric Andre]

So what's going on? You single now? You dating? What's. How's your love life?

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm single, dude. I'm single. I got this up back like Luigi,

[Eric Andre]

you gonna settle down soon Cuz I know you're a bit of a player. Player. You got the ladies of the 80s waiting in the White Castle.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's right.

[Eric Andre]

I'm in the own Sarah Squirm goes stabby gets laid with hotties. I was like, I believe it. He swagged out. It's funny. He's hilarious. I don't.

[Stavros Halkias]

Dude, I hurt my back. I don't know. I might hear me. Yeah. For real. I'm monkly. I'm. I'm not. I.

[Eric Andre]

You're in a monastic.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm monastic due to an injury. Although I did.

[Eric Andre]

How long ago is your back up?

[Stavros Halkias]

Like two weeks, dude.

[Eric Andre]

Oh, three weeks.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like it's like been a while. So I'm going to the doctor to get My. I'm going to get some like, steroid injections to take the swelling down or some. But it is hard. It's the exact motion you use to the, you know.

[Eric Andre]

You got ibuprofen?

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm crushing ibuprofen.

[Eric Andre]

You're doing hot bath, cold plunge, all this stuff.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, I'm in the. I'm doing my Epsom salt bath.

[Eric Andre]

I gotta eat that, man. Read that, dude.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm about to crack open Sarno like you wouldn't believe.

[Eric Andre]

Sarno.

[Stavros Halkias]

What about you, my friend? You also seem to be sucking yourself.

[Eric Andre]

I suck.

[Stavros Halkias]

And you, you seem like a bad.

[Eric Andre]

I'm. No, you know, I'm not virgin.

[Stavros Halkias]

No.

[Eric Andre]

I didn't think you were celibate.

[Stavros Halkias]

No, no.

[Eric Andre]

Lenny Kravitz is practicing celibacy. All of us.

[Stavros Halkias]

Wow. For every light skinned guy.

[Eric Andre]

I think he said he's been celibate for nine years. I was like, what?

[Stavros Halkias]

Can I say something, though? Lenny Kravitz being celibate for nine years, he still average wise. If you average the last year pre celibacy, in the last nine years, he's had a better decade than everyone. In that one year, he got more pussy than anyone on earth.

[Eric Andre]

Anyone.

[Stavros Halkias]

So his 10 year readout is still like insanely high.

[Eric Andre]

100.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's. That's got to be a guy who's just OD'd, I think. Can you.

[Eric Andre]

I think he became a sex addict.

[Stavros Halkias]

Can you think of a guy? Like, it's almost like craft him in a lab.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

To get to them.

[Eric Andre]

You see his dad? Have you seen his dad?

[Stavros Halkias]

I haven't seen his dad.

[Eric Andre]

Look at a picture of him and his parents. His mom's beautiful. Black owned. His dad's like, hey, you want some potato? Go. Looks like if a California raisin was white. He's like, he really. You forgot your Benadryl.

[Stavros Halkias]

You really.

[Eric Andre]

Shut up, dad. I'm gonna be a hot black guy.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm trying to be a hot black guy, dad. Oh, my God.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah, he looks like Alan Dershowitz for real. He's like Letty. Excuse me, the music is a little too loud.

[Stavros Halkias]

Could you stop getting so loud? Leonard, I'm trying to get from your beautiful black mother. Your rhythm is throwing me off.

[Eric Andre]

Your rhythm's too powerful, sucker. This gorgeous black woman and having children with me.

[Stavros Halkias]

Leonard, stop. Your stroke is distracting me. That's fucking you really? With his dad. You really see where the name Lenny Kravitz comes from?

[Eric Andre]

Yeah. He's like. People are like, lenny Kravitz is Jewish. I go yeah, dude. His name is Lenny Kravitz.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, it's not a slash thing where you can hide behind a cool name.

[Eric Andre]

His name is Lenny Leonard.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's Schmulowitz. That is how hot he was, though. It completely papered over being named Lenny Kravitz.

[Eric Andre]

Think.

[Stavros Halkias]

Wow, dude.

[Eric Andre]

Lenny Alan Dershowitz Kravitz.

[Stavros Halkias]

If we hit you with the Men in Black thing and we're like, draw Lenny Kravitz. You would never come up with Lenny Kravitz.

[Eric Andre]

You would end up drawing Stephen Miller.

[Stavros Halkias]

You would be arrested for hate crimes. If you wrote. If you drew the name, if you drew the face that your brain associates with Lenny Kravitz. And it's actually the hottest guy of all time.

[Eric Andre]

Time. I can't believe Stephen Miller is younger than me. Like, that guy looks like Mr. Burns. He's 39. I'm like, dude, you look like you're fucking 90s.

[Stavros Halkias]

And he looks like his little bones. He looks like he could crack his wrist by fucking squeezing his hand too much. I feel like a baby could beat up Stephen Miller. Let's look up how Mussolini died. Completely unrelated to what we just bleeped out, by the way. Just. It's just our history corner. It's just. Stop. And Eric's history corner right now.

[Eric Andre]

They up, right. They were like, cutting off his dick.

[Stavros Halkias]

They literally dragged him through the streets and like, yeah, like, look, our bad. Look, we him up. Please forget we were friends with the Hitler.

[Eric Andre]

Oops, he wants to bust up. Yeah, yeah. Japan and Italy, their food's so good that it, like, wiped out our association with it.

[Stavros Halkias]

All the stuff they came up with, the vibes are so good.

[Eric Andre]

Japan was horrendous. They would rape women with knives. Like Chinese and Korean women. They would, like, do medical experiments, like shove like live eels and women's and like, jigsaw from the Saw movie Human Center Beach.

[Stavros Halkias]

And they put all that into their food. Into their food. And they're like animated pornography.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah, yeah, that.

[Stavros Halkias]

You totally see that.

[Eric Andre]

That.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's where it went the, like the octopus puss genre.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know, that all makes sense.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

They couldn't do it anymore.

[Eric Andre]

No, they were. They would throw Filipino babies in the air and, like, catch them on bayonets and. And they would like. I met these, like, Australians. Like, oh, yeah, my granddad, like, was trying to fight the Japanese, and the Japanese soldiers would put them in a dog cage and just poke them with knives all day. I was like, oh, my God.

[Stavros Halkias]

Strong rebrand for the Japanese, dude. Now you think of them as like gentle anime guys.

[Eric Andre]

Hey, we're just into photography. It's like. Nah, dude, you were gnarly, bro. You were super gnarly.

[Stavros Halkias]

Good point, dude.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah, they were up.

[Stavros Halkias]

Sorry. Germans. Sausage and Venus schnitzel is not good

[Eric Andre]

enough to get it out of it, man. Not good enough to get out of the Nuremberg trials.

[Stavros Halkias]

Ellis, why don't we take some calls, buddy? You know, let's. Let's get some of Eric's wisdom.

[Eric Andre]

My friend Kimmy to completely get lost, locked out. Or did she give up?

[Stavros Halkias]

No, she should.

[Eric Andre]

She ain't smoking a cigarette for an hour. I told her I probably gotta go too. You can check. How much more time do you need?

[Stavros Halkias]

We do a couple. We do like take your time, you know, we do some calls.

[Eric Andre]

I got a. A zoom meeting with the CEO of Quibi.

[Stavros Halkias]

Gotta get turned down one more time for that travel show.

[Eric Andre]

I'm putting my new stand up special in an iPhone ratio.

[Stavros Halkias]

Hahaha. Let's play a couple calls here. Little eldest.

[Caller/Listener]

Hey Savvy, it's me, Lindsay.

[Stavros Halkias]

Kind of his classic move.

[Caller/Listener]

So let me just like jump right in.

[Stavros Halkias]

Would you get. When you get Albanian producers. Oh, he's unplugging. That's a bad sign. No, dude, now we hear us. Why did you unplug? When does that ever work? Just play the theme song. Worked. You're embarrassing me in front of Eric.

[Eric Andre]

That's fine.

[Stavros Halkias]

I think we got it now. Okay, go ahead, Eldis.

[Caller/Listener]

Hey Savvy, it's me, Lindsay. I'm obsessed with you. Anyway, I need some help because. So let me just like jump right in like we were talking last week. My husband is very into anal in like the misogynistic kind of way. Which is fine because like I like being subjected. But since having his child my ripped open to my. And I'm just like not really like into it anymore. Like every single time. I just. First of all, like, it's a process. Like it's. I don't have time to like clean everything, wax everything, self tan everything. Like I just don't have the time to put in the effort of being a hot porn star anymore. And like I don't want.

[Stavros Halkias]

Well, you don't have to.

[Caller/Listener]

Like how about. How about. How about eat me out? Like why. Anyway, so like why I'm asking for advice is because like I said, I have a child and I'm married, so I don't really like have it sounds so dramatic. Harder to do than. We need to call the police anyway. Yeah, I've just, like. I don't really. Like, he's just on the wrong side of porn, and I don't really, like. I'm just not really into it. And I've tried having the conversation, but, like, my communication skills are pretty poor. I blame my Staten Island Jewish mom and my silent father. So when I try to communicate, like, hey, this literally isn't for me, what comes out is, what, are you gay? And I. I. You know, like, no, it doesn't. Do I mean it? Yeah. Yeah, I do. So I. I don't really know.

[Stavros Halkias]

Hold on, hold on.

[Eric Andre]

Wait.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're very sympathetic.

[Eric Andre]

Where the did that come from?

[Stavros Halkias]

It's awesome.

[Eric Andre]

Psychopath.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's awesome because she was, like, 100% completely in the right, and then she's like, what are you gay? And she's like, do. I mean it? Sort of. It's like, okay, we'll. We'll let that. We'll just pretend you didn't sneak that weird advice was she looking for. So basically, this comes down to her husband wants to her ass all the time, and she does not really want that to happen.

[Eric Andre]

So go. No.

[Stavros Halkias]

So there's a tiny bit more. Okay, what is it?

[Caller/Listener]

Well, from here, but his idea is to just boycott sex entirely. Gone. Like, nine months dry. Because I won't dick it up my ass.

[Eric Andre]

Riddled with problems.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. What. What do we.

[Eric Andre]

What do we think you're.

[Stavros Halkias]

Dude, you should have never had a child.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah. Why are you dating this guy?

[Stavros Halkias]

Married as a kid.

[Eric Andre]

What's the compatibility? Why are you calling us to give you advice? Anyone on earth you should go to before there's 7 billion people on Earth? We was like, the last two out of the whole 7 billion list.

[Stavros Halkias]

I mean, this is a tough one because. Yeah, I mean, you clear. First of all, don't the. It's like your communication issues aren't the problem if your husband won't have sex with you at all unless he gets to your ass. That's wild.

[Eric Andre]

That's wild.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's a cr. It's one thing.

[Eric Andre]

So, like, he's got to find somebody that. That is cool with that. That's like his line in the sand.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Also, it's like she's like, in the misogynistic. You clearly have problems in this relationship. I mean, you have crazy issues here.

[Eric Andre]

Why are you bringing a kid into that?

[Stavros Halkias]

And the kid is tough, but it's here now, so we're not gonna. We're not, you know, whatever. The kid's here.

[Eric Andre]

You want to do, like, a Casey Anthony. Fucking sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.

[Stavros Halkias]

Maybe frame him for the murder of your child. No, don't kill any children.

[Eric Andre]

No, don't kill kids. Don't kill kids.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're not even kids or people at all.

[Eric Andre]

I guess.

[Stavros Halkias]

But yeah, I mean, listen, this is bizarre. And you're like, he won't. Like, he just won't have any sexual contact. You should go to couples counseling, I guess, because this is insane.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like, I have never even.

[Eric Andre]

Start with that.

[Stavros Halkias]

I've never. I can't even. It won't. It'd be one thing if he's. First of all, he sounds like he doesn't eat her out because she. She had. She very frustratingly was like, how about you eat me out for once? Like, for once, he. Your eyes. He doesn't eat your.

[Eric Andre]

And the. And the nuts. And then he's gay.

[Stavros Halkias]

Then the gay. That's. You might have something to work on. But also.

[Eric Andre]

Sounds like a whole bucket of syrup you fucking jumped into.

[Stavros Halkias]

But also, I. Yeah, I do think that, like, the. The one scenario where I would. I sort of. She's been driven into homophobic insanity because he won't fuck anything but her ass. And it's like, she's not right. But I also. Also kind of see where she's coming from, where it's like, what do you mean? He just boycotts sex if he does. If he can't have anal. You got a lot of problems, sister.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah. And you and this guy sounds like therapy. Couples therapy, a lot of that.

[Stavros Halkias]

You got to talk to a sexual therapist, something, because his shit's out of control. And also, you have a kid. It's been a year. She said. Is that right?

[Eric Andre]

Nine months.

[Stavros Halkias]

I mean, dude, the fact that you're even talking about this. This. It's like, so tough for the mom when the baby's that. That young. It's, like, all over. It's like, I feel like the mom gets the brunt of everything when the kid is a year and under. So it's like, if anything, your husband should be really deferential to you. And if he's like, I can't have anal, well, I'm not gonna have sex with you at all. It's like, that's a real problem. That's a real issue, and you need to work on.

[Eric Andre]

Is that what this podcast is about?

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't. It's not normally like that.

[Eric Andre]

Not.

[Stavros Halkias]

Well, sometimes it is. I'm not going to lie to. Yeah. It's not the anal show. They're not all. Every We Take five more calls. They're all about getting in the ass. No, but. But this woman clearly. This woman clearly has her own issues too. She has like, you know, it's like, you got to be. You've allowed yourself to get gaslit into thinking this is normal and that you have a communication issues and you're bringing up your Long island and Staten island up. It's like, that has nothing to do with your husband. Like, take, take the anal out of it. If your partner was like, I will only do one sex act and I will do nothing for you. You must do exactly what I say. That's insane. No matter what that act is. Right? And let's. And now when you throw in the fact that it's, you know, really a

[Eric Andre]

partnership, let's see, it's like a dictatorship or something.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, this is sexual dictatorship here. And maybe my guess is that that goes to the rest of your relationship too. So take a real serious appraisal of what the fuck's going on, sister. You already have a kid. The kid's here. Don't do it. Don't go Casey Anthony or anything. Don't do that. But your relationship maybe do, maybe do drown your relationship in a bathtub.

[Eric Andre]

Don't let him Natalie Wood you.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right, right, right, right, right. Absolutely. We're rooting for you. And you believe in yourself a bit little, a little more. And go to therapy if you don't already.

[Eric Andre]

He's Kenny Maine, the funny guy from espn. Formerly, he's Cooper Manning, the more intelligent and handsome of the Manning brothers.

[Stavros Halkias]

And he's Brian Baumgartner, but to me,

[Eric Andre]

he'll always be Kevin from the office. Yeah, you and everybody else together. We're the hosts of the new comedy golf podcast, We Need a Fourth from Smartless Media and Sirius xm.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's like a cold beer after a round. You hear the strangest and most bizarre golf stories from our friends, athletes, celebrities and comedians.

[Eric Andre]

It's all about how much we love golf and how much we hate golf. New episodes are out every week. Listen now and subscribe wherever you get. Your podcast could just be anywhere, just on a couch. Doesn't matter.

[Stavros Halkias]

Busy work weeks can leave you feeling drained.

[Eric Andre]

Prolon's five day fasting mimicking diet rejuvenates

[Stavros Halkias]

you at the cellular level, lets you enjoy real food, and does not require an injection. Developed at USC's Longevity Institute, Prolon supports biological age reduction, metabolism, skin health and fat loss when combined with proper exercise and nutrition. Get 15% off plus a $40 bonus gift when you subscribe at prolonlife.com pandorap promo let's do some more calls here. Eric's gotta get to his sushi.

[Caller/Listener]

Eldis Davi as team Guest I am 38 years old. I live in the woods of Colorado. It used to be a cool, like, off grid spot, 2 acres. But lately a lot of RV people have been moving in, like running generators, dog barking. Just RV piece of people. Like, off grid. It's a big, you know, YouTube thing, but I'm actually living it. And so it's this place that used to feel like the wilderness. Now feels like I built my own prison in a shitty RV park in a shitty neighborhood.

[Stavros Halkias]

That sucks.

[Caller/Listener]

It used to be, like, my freedom, you know, paying 500 bucks a year in rent. These are property taxes. Taxes. So if you had a good amount of money in the bank and you were kind of living off grid, do have a girlfriend who down to, you know, shit in a bucket and stuff.

[Eric Andre]

Okay.

[Caller/Listener]

But if you had some money, but you were living off grid, you're kind of just working some nonprofit job in a small town in Colorado, and you just get mad now that all these RV generator people have moved up here. What would you. You do? Would you leave? Would you follow some dream?

[Eric Andre]

Colorado's a massive.

[Caller/Listener]

What is the stavy, baby. Perspective. Thank you all.

[Stavros Halkias]

I never shit in a bucket. I need a bidet. In fact.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

I need a robot to lick my ass clean.

[Eric Andre]

I'm the same.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm gone from that, but I see where he's coming from. This guy's a. This guy. If I were a guy who loved the outdoors. Right. I mean. Yeah, like you said.

[Eric Andre]

I mean, he's an expansive, massive state and, like, you could go to Wyoming.

[Stavros Halkias]

Push out. Yeah, exactly.

[Eric Andre]

Just like, pick up. It sounds like he lives pretty minimally and rustic.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, you're gonna have to. These guys found your little. Your little niche. You're gonna have to.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah. Go anywhere into the Rockies, and it seems like you'll be happy just.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. If you got the cash. Because it sounded like he's. I thought he was gonna tell us he's trapped there. But he's not.

[Eric Andre]

No.

[Stavros Halkias]

He says he can move. His girlfriend will shit.

[Eric Andre]

She's in buckets. He can work online or whatever.

[Stavros Halkias]

And is he also in a van?

[Eric Andre]

Your demographics, Living in beds in buckets, torturous relationships.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm getting sexually coerced by my husband and I live in a van. But I'm superior to the other guys that live in a van. That's the thing. It's Like I thought he lived in a cabin and all these van guys moved in. You're also a van guy. You're just mad they're also living exactly like you. Just fucking drive further. What the fuck are we talking about?

[Eric Andre]

Just step on the gas, dude. During 20 minutes in any direction.

[Stavros Halkias]

Is he in a van?

[Eric Andre]

I don't think he specified.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay, well listen, either way, pick up

[Eric Andre]

a van, get a van.

[Stavros Halkias]

Our good buddy Saxon, cameraman extraordinaire, he lives out in. Up in. Like. I don't. We don't want to dox. He's probably already said it, but whatever. He lives in the state of. Kind of near where our former bus driver lives as well. Actually BLEEP that out. He's a. The man loves his privacy. But yeah, dude, anywhere. Just fucking pick up and move. You actually have no problem here, especially if you live in a van. So pick a place that's a little off the beaten path. Don't go to some Van life type shit. Don't look up the hashtags and fucking follow that shit. You seem like you like being in the fucking sticks. Live further in the sticks, dude. There's nothing I would never do. Like I said, I got to be a. I love being in New York City, baby. I love having a bidet, you know.

[Eric Andre]

You know, some gabagool.

[Stavros Halkias]

Gotta get my g. I would be a beach guy. As a retirement. I would be a beach guy. That's what I got in my.

[Eric Andre]

Go to Milos.

[Stavros Halkias]

I might. What about. What would you. Where would you retire? Your beach guys will.

[Eric Andre]

Oh God. Vietnam, man. I had the best time of my life.

[Stavros Halkias]

That makes sense.

[Eric Andre]

You go there, everybody's nice. Cuz they overthrew France and they overthrew the usa. They're confident. They're like. We beat two Imperial, imperial. Two of the harshest, hardest imperialist powers. We overthrew you.

[Stavros Halkias]

We them up.

[Eric Andre]

They're cool.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Eric Andre]

Best food, beautiful women, great music. You get a little moped. You can order whippets from an old guy on a moped that just comes up with like a tank. They love cocktails, they got exotic fruit. The best coffee. Yeah, the best coffee.

[Stavros Halkias]

The coffee is awesome.

[Eric Andre]

Funnest people. I just had a blast. It is just beautiful. I don't know.

[Stavros Halkias]

Even the. They took from the French the bon me.

[Eric Andre]

The bon me, the egg cream coffees, man. Man, it's just unbelievable there.

[Stavros Halkias]

They got beaches.

[Eric Andre]

They got beaches. They got the. You're out in the. The.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know, the jungle and.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah, in the jungle you're eating the raccoon coffee. You're on the boat, you're in the how long bay.

[Stavros Halkias]

I might have to check out.

[Eric Andre]

It rules.

[Stavros Halkias]

Vietnam rules again being I might have to be slightly less fat, slightly less Hawaiian shirts. I just feel like I'm a market.

[Eric Andre]

Nah, they don't care. There's a bunch of expats there.

[Stavros Halkias]

But I'll look. But see the thing is I' look like a. A mark or I'll look like a trick cuz I look like a fat guy coming for sex tourism. Which

[Eric Andre]

you're not now.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm not not. It's not at the top of.

[Eric Andre]

It's not.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's on the list. I want to get fub on me. Check out go on a hike.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

But after that, yeah, four or five. Couple bullet points down.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's not not there.

[Eric Andre]

It's not not.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm getting a couple's massage. I'm not stopping the guys.

[Eric Andre]

All I'm saying, whether your girlfriend's in the other seat over sheet is crazy.

[Stavros Halkias]

Dude, the sheet is nuts. I can't even imagine like your eyes starting like. Just get it over again, man, quick,

[Eric Andre]

like get it out of me. Can't think straight. Get the poison out.

[Stavros Halkias]

We'll do a couple more. You know, we gotta, we gotta help the people here. Eric.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know, give you a couple

[Caller/Listener]

guest. I'm dealing with a problem you've kind of alluded to before in some of your material. I was 21 and met this great woman who helped build me into a much better guy. She was super supportive in building my. My career, my fitness. Kind of like, you know, every part of me improved while we were dating. We dated for six years and then I got it in my head that I could do better for some reason and tough. Wouldn't commit to marriage or anything. I broke off the relationship. It's been about a year since then. I've dated a couple times and I am still struggling to get over that relationship. I've accepted that it's done. I fall it up. But it's becoming harder and harder to properly let go of it and causing issues in my new relationships. Yeah, she's been on this huge journey of her own since we broke up. She lost all this weight. She's like in ads on tv, locally, around here now. It's just.

[Stavros Halkias]

She's doing it for a local dry cleaner. Holy.

[Eric Andre]

She's doing ads for herself. She's like, I'm hot.

[Stavros Halkias]

All right. I dropped 30 pounds, dude. That's okay, keep going. But this guy's so cooked mentally.

[Caller/Listener]

Sneak from the situation. Starting therapy over it this week. Looking forward to that.

[Stavros Halkias]

This week.

[Caller/Listener]

I was wondering if you had any advice.

[Eric Andre]

Come on, man.

[Caller/Listener]

Something you've tried.

[Stavros Halkias]

I just swallowed the penicillin, but my. My infections still hurts. Have a seat. This is fucking.

[Eric Andre]

Wait, I missed the first person. What's his deal?

[Stavros Halkias]

So this guy was in a relationship. She kind of helped him become a better guy. Whatever. Whatever. He was 21. He was 21, you know, all this shit. And he thought he was too good for her. Breaks it off, and now he's regretting his decision. Or at least like it's kind of the one that got away. He says he's still in a relationship. And the funniest part is he's dating. He's dating. But the funniest part is he's like, she's doing so much better now. She's in local. She's in local commercials. I mean, dude, first of all, she's doing fucking commercials for car wash. Yeah, A car wash in Des Moines. He says it later. He's from Oklahoma City.

[Eric Andre]

Oh, wow.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay. She sucks dick, so I get that. Brutal town. You ever been there?

[Eric Andre]

Brutal.

[Stavros Halkias]

Brutal stuff. Brutal stuff.

[Eric Andre]

I played all over that state. It's just like flat weird and stuff.

[Stavros Halkias]

Tulsa's probably better. I haven't been to Tulsa. Okay, see, I don't remember.

[Eric Andre]

I confused all that area.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm sorry to be such a coastal elite, but okay.

[Eric Andre]

See, no, I'm not even going. It's just between the Rockies and Chicago, that. That chamber of.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah.

[Eric Andre]

Like corn.

[Stavros Halkias]

Specific type of white trash. It changed at every latitude point. You get a different flavor of, like, weird Midwest white trash trash. Okay, dude, so look, first of all, you got. You shouldn't be keeping up with what she's doing. You shouldn't have a Google alert for your. No, that's weird that Step one is that you're keeping tabs. That's a big problem.

[Eric Andre]

There's also something in. In attachment theory about the phantom ex girlfriend. If you have an avoidant attachment style and you're in a relationship and you're fawning and fantasizing about your ex, that's a way. It's a. It's a type of avoidance.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm liking this. This might help me.

[Eric Andre]

So. Yeah. So a lot of people with avoidant attachment style, right? Would you say give me people with guys with. Well, maybe any gender. With a void. You'll kind of fantasize about your ex. You'll forget all the shitty reasons why you Guys broke up.

[Stavros Halkias]

Of course.

[Eric Andre]

And you'll fantasize. Oh, I should get out of my current relationship. I should get back with my ex. It's a. It's an. It's a. It's a. It's an avoidance.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Okay.

[Eric Andre]

Behavior pattern.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's probably what's going on here. But also, I don't fucking. I think it is this guy. It's also like. But I think you're right. He's like, romanticizing some because he also knows it's impossible. So it's like, well, he got rid

[Eric Andre]

of her, you know, he. He called it off, so.

[Stavros Halkias]

So you up?

[Eric Andre]

You know, or maybe he didn't up. Maybe he called it all for a reason. And now he's like. Either way, he's rewriting history in his mind because he's like, whatever. Feeling avoided in his current relationship or something.

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't totally. Well, he said he started. He said he started.

[Eric Andre]

Started.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's fine, dude. He said he started therapy.

[Eric Andre]

I thought I was just coming on telling some dick jokes with my boy Stabby. We're going to the rib far and some eat cheeseburgers and like, giving secondhand therapy to some Oklahoma freak.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's the beauty of the show, man. The people we need to help the people.

[Eric Andre]

Eric thought we were just gonna roll cigarettes, watch some mma. And

[Stavros Halkias]

dude, yeah, Elvis has done some great producing. The first one was a crime. The second was a real estate van. A van hobo real estate problem. And the third call is like a guy pining after an ex. Yeah, dude, move on. You started therapy. You'll be all right. But yeah, you gotta. Your brain. You're an idiot. Your brain is dumb and it's trying to stop you from enjoying the shit you have in your life. Life. Now stop keeping tabs on her local commercials.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah, all right.

[Stavros Halkias]

Either you blew it or you didn't. But it's over.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah, it gives.

[Stavros Halkias]

Move on. Dude, this is tough though. This is provincial thinking.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

When you live in a small ass town.

[Eric Andre]

Yep.

[Stavros Halkias]

Everything seems like honestly move is really the answer. Start a new life. But he's not going to. Hey, at least you got the thought. Shay Gilders Alexander. Great player. Enjoy the fun. You know, you guys are going to be a dynasty for. For years to come. It looks like even though you stole Seattle's team, you redneck. Give back the Sonics, you. I'm glad that left you. We're doing this for Sean. Sean Camp Sean Hemp smoke his strand of weed. Give us another one. A little eldest. Let's see what you got now? Any tragedy here? Okay, let's see.

[Caller/Listener]

Hey, Stav. What's up? So I have a question for you because I recently won a lawsuit and got, like, a nice chunk of change. Like, less than $50,000, but more than 10,000. And I told my boyfriend about my finances, and he said that he would love if I sponsored a trip to him to Brazil. Important context. He does have body image issues. He and I both kind of have, like, body dysmorphia type thing, but I'm not fucking cheating.

[Stavros Halkias]

Als. He's not going to take one last trip before he's confined to a wheelchair. He's got tits. What are we talking about? That's fucking nuts, dude. Let's finish. I'm sorry. That caught me by surprise. Surprise, surprise.

[Caller/Listener]

But I'm not a huge fan of plastic surgery. I've ever had plastic surgery. I don't plan on getting it, but he wants a 1 inch lift all around, and I don't.

[Stavros Halkias]

He's going to Brazil for

[Eric Andre]

lawsuit, and he's like, hey, babe, give me that money. I got to get my.

[Stavros Halkias]

Holy. This is crazy.

[Caller/Listener]

Like, I didn't know what that meant at first first, but then he just kept saying, like, one inch, one inch. And so I know that he keeps making jokes about, like, getting a bbl, but I think the BBL jokes are becoming a little too frequent to be jokes. And then the 1 inch lift all around. Like, he doesn't seem to really want to do, like, steroids, but I don't think plastic is a good alternative to that. And then he's like, well, what are you, like, all around, like, to his dick?

[Eric Andre]

What?

[Caller/Listener]

And for me, it's like, his dick is perfect. Like, it's good. And Azalea banks, Like, I remember a few years ago, she had tweeted about getting with a guy who, like, had, like, a plastic extended dick. Like, he had the plastic surgery on his dick. And it seemed so uncomfortable and awful that I'm like, one, like, my boyfriend's dick is perfect. The way it is is. But two, you're too supportive. I don't want a, like, two big jabby piece of plastic going into my cooter. That just sounds super uncomfortable. So I need your advice because I wouldn't. I wouldn't mind investing in something that makes them happy, especially if it's money that I kind of got, not money that I had to work really hard for. I have. I have no problem with that.

[Stavros Halkias]

Body images.

[Caller/Listener]

But I'm worried about where the line between happiness and body Image issues, you know, comes into play.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay.

[Caller/Listener]

So yeah, thank you so much.

[Stavros Halkias]

So much.

[Eric Andre]

Good here, actually. Okay. She won a lot.

[Stavros Halkias]

This is awesome. Yeah.

[Eric Andre]

Less than 50, 000. More than 10,000. No, let's say it's 30 grand.

[Stavros Halkias]

Let's say 30 grand. Not that much money.

[Eric Andre]

Her boyfriend wasn't like, congrats, baby. You get invested in that? No, he's like, he goes, oh, hell yeah. I'm gonna get my dick one inch bigger. He's like, babe, that Brazil, that ice

[Stavros Halkias]

rink chopping off your toe was the best thing that ever happened to us. That zamboni running over your foot.

[Eric Andre]

The doctor's going to do the same thing to my dick in Brazil. Cha ching.

[Stavros Halkias]

Dude, the fact that these guys forget, listen, not to be, not to be Hollywood elites here, but that's not the kind of money where you can buy your boyfriend plastic surgery and a trip to bridge Brazil. That all that money's gone.

[Eric Andre]

Basically. Hold on to that money. I don't know what happened to get the money. Hold on to it. Yeah, the boyfriend scoop it. It's not his money. It's your money, girl. And then he wants to go get like a face lift, a bbl, a bigger day. Like random sketch Brazilian doctors just chopping him up. He's like, oh, hell yeah. Then he leaves her a full body. Exactly.

[Stavros Halkias]

He wants a full body. Yassification on your dime. And you think he's coming back loyal.

[Eric Andre]

Kanye West's mom.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's true. That is like he could go the way of Don the West.

[Eric Andre]

She's like, I'm gonna get my titties done. My list, my ass in Mexico.

[Stavros Halkias]

Tough look.

[Eric Andre]

And then her body was like kablooey.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, that's a tough one. And that was one of many dominoes that led us to the new hit Heil Hit the new song. Taking, Taking Rumble streamers by storm.

[Eric Andre]

Only on Andrew Tate Records.

[Stavros Halkias]

So, okay, that number one. This is an insane. That's not enough money. That's number one. Number two, this guy's selfish as fuck. His girl wins a lawsuit and he wants his dreams to come true. And third, his dreams are pathetic. He's a weird bitch if you ask me. Dude, I, I, I hate to be be like, I hate to go into classic, like masculine, feminine. And listen, you know, if this guy wanted hair plugs, maybe it'd be a little different if he wanted like what, like, but like to want a full. They don't. She doesn't sound that old. Sound like he's a. It's not like he had a, a burn. He's a burn victim and he's like, I've never gotten my confidence back since the accident. I'd love a expensive skin graft. He's just a pudgy loser.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah, he's just like a fluffy me.

[Stavros Halkias]

Guys do steroids. Steroids. She's cool with him getting yoked, but he's like, no, I want to. I want to go under the knife. I don't respect this man at all.

[Eric Andre]

I got to see a picture of this guy.

[Stavros Halkias]

Offer him.

[Eric Andre]

I will say, got to get a picture of this guy. We got a do.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yes. We need a picture. And I would say offer him steroids. And that way he can, he can earn his salvation through the iron paradise.

[Eric Andre]

You buy him steroids like your dick is fine. It's not like she's got. Oh, you got a little peener, you know.

[Stavros Halkias]

What's this about? If it's not. If his girl is happy with his dick and then the final piece is if there was a lengthening surgery that worked, we would know about it. This would not.

[Eric Andre]

We would be at Cox.

[Stavros Halkias]

This would not be a secret.

[Eric Andre]

We'd be at the Mayo Clinic.

[Stavros Halkias]

Absolutely.

[Eric Andre]

I'd have a puncture on the floor.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'd be getting my tuned up every nine months. Dude, there's no way this that big

[Eric Andre]

whale cog that looks like a silly straw going on.

[Stavros Halkias]

This. This is insane. What is going on in your life to our caller where you would even entertain this.

[Eric Andre]

I don't know.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's the problem here. You have some serious self esteem issues. You are getting gaslit to oblivion by this fucking guy and you gotta. What do you want to do with the money? What the fuck do you want to do with the money? Does that ever come up once?

[Eric Andre]

Yeah. Why don't you do what you want to do with your money? Yeah. What the. That's yours, not his.

[Stavros Halkias]

We could not be more anti this plan.

[Eric Andre]

That didn't come up.

[Stavros Halkias]

And in fact she was like, well, it's not money I really earned.

[Eric Andre]

I just got it through a lawsuit

[Stavros Halkias]

so

[Eric Andre]

I didn't want it at all.

[Stavros Halkias]

That is all we needed to hear. This is a person that has a hard time accepting anything good. She has low self esteem and she's probably in a relationship dynamic where the guy gets to fucking walk all over all the time. We're here to tell you, stand up for yourself. So, sister, this guy's a fucking dork. Number one. Okay? He wants to get a fucking Brazil. He wants to get a lift. Come on, dude. We believe in you. You're saying his dick's perfect. Actually, this might be the one time I'm with him. His dick probably does suck. And you probably gas him up too much because you seem like a nice person. I would say from this even being a conversation, I don't want to call my shot and be like, leave him. But I feel like this might be as doomed as the sexual coercion.

[Eric Andre]

Anal husband sound on purpose.

[Stavros Halkias]

He's immediately ask. Imagine you're dating someone and you immediately ask for most of her money.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah, that's weird.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're dating someone.

[Eric Andre]

That's weird. Also, you're the guy like you, you, you.

[Stavros Halkias]

I know there's a little bit and

[Eric Andre]

maybe guy you got to provide the money.

[Stavros Halkias]

And it wasn't even like, let me listen. Give me this seed money. I'll start a business and. And we'll feed our family off it. I need DSL. I need DSOs to maintain our heterosexual relationship. I mean, this sucks. This is crazy. And she's so nice and like, she's so nice and like, yeah, she's getting taken advantage of. That's our read on the situation. So definitely don't give this guy your fucking money. Hopefully this call wasn't from October or some shit. When's it from? Eldest? All right, that's not bad. This will come out in February. So hopefully you haven't done anything. Hopefully that money's still tied up in rock red tape. And this guy doesn't have, you know, I don't know, filler already. Doesn't have Sou Paulo filler in his system already. Speaking of great movie, the Secret Agent. You see that? Nah, it's good.

[Eric Andre]

All right, let's see.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's really good. Check it out. Wagner Mora.

[Eric Andre]

That's respect.

[Stavros Halkias]

All right, well, let's do. Let's do one more here. Eldis. Give it. Give us a. Give us one to go out on. How we doing? Do we. Do we hit the 120 mark? All right, give us one to go out on. Eric's got rancid sashimi to get home to. Eric's got room, room temperature toro to peel off his doorstep. The juices are coming down. All the neighborhood cats have come in through the. Have come into the fire escape players wanted to go out on here, buddy boy.

[Eric Andre]

Hi.

[Caller/Listener]

Stop. Hi, ld, Longtime fan of the POD here. I have some input in regards to a caller's dilemma that I actually feel like I've heard about more than once in the QA Q&A section as well. Well, as in real life.

[Stavros Halkias]

Great, wonderful.

[Caller/Listener]

And that is women or havers that don't enjoy being eaten out saying this is important, just not for them. That it doesn't do anything for them. I just wanted to say I came to terms with being one of these people until recently. A man changed my world when it comes to oral. I had to kind of surrender to it. It because I was stuck in that mindset and just had so many less than ideal eating situations or a lot

[Stavros Halkias]

of chomping going on.

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah, I didn't believe this would be any different, but it is. I actually love being out by him and crave it and think about it frequently. So I guess this is just a PSA to the ladies out there that need to hear it.

[Stavros Halkias]

Salute to you, sister.

[Caller/Listener]

Settle. Maybe you actually would enjoy it if your man was actually good at it. So, yeah, good luck out there. Anyway, love you guys.

[Stavros Halkias]

Love you. Thank you. You heard it there. You heard it, gals. Decolonize your. Open up your mind to getting your eaten. And that's coming from a lady who was once in your shoes because we're pro. Everyone sucking and on this podcast, we're pro getting sucked and sucking and eating and getting eaten out, et cetera. So we're happy to hear that. Keep. Keep at it, gals. Eric, anything you'd like to plug on the way out?

[Eric Andre]

Oh, yeah, I got a podcast bombing on iHeartradio. Bombing with Eric. Andre, listen to my pod, bro.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm coming.

[Eric Andre]

You gotta come on it.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'll be on for sure.

[Eric Andre]

Get your eaten. Get your butthole eaten. Get your dick hole eaten. That never gets eaten.

[Stavros Halkias]

The whole never dick hole doesn't get

[Eric Andre]

a lot of a girl with a tiny tongue.

[Caller/Listener]

Like

[Stavros Halkias]

everyone. Everyone just skips right over the hole.

[Eric Andre]

Everyone skips right over the dick hole. They're not even thinking about what I've been through.

[Stavros Halkias]

Give it a little blow. Blow right into that. Put your ear onto it like a seashell. What noises does the dick hole make? Find out. Find out. That's what Eric's plugging. Listen to the pod. Eric, you're the man, dude. Thank you for. And yeah, we're on tour probably when this comes out. We might be on the bus when this comes out.

[Eric Andre]

Eldis, did you just start touring? Are you in the thick of it or what?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, we're in the we. I did a whole leg last year and I'm gonna record a special in the spring.

[Eric Andre]

Nice.

[Stavros Halkias]

So this kind of. This is like our last run to kind of tighten everything up. Come see us It'll be. You'll be seeing me work on the f. The finishing touches of this next special.

[Eric Andre]

And you play New York work already?

[Stavros Halkias]

No, in fact, let's plug that one specifically. Radio City Music Hall, March. What is it? 28th eldest.

[Eric Andre]

Can I come?

[Stavros Halkias]

God forbid you fucking know, you piece of shit. Yeah, of course, dude. I think we're gonna have a big party afterwards, too. I'm actually one of your last shows. It's pretty close. It's like the. It's kind of on its own. And then I'll do, like, one more run right before I record in April.

[Eric Andre]

Nice.

[Stavros Halkias]

But last time I did the beat, March 28, I got it right. Last time I did the Beacon, and it was awesome, but I just didn't celebrate at all. I was, like. Had to promote my special right after it. And, like, this time, I want to. Actually. I'm trying to work on enjoying my life a little bit.

[Eric Andre]

So.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, when I have a. It's a big one, it's a dream come true. I'm actually shocked my life is in a position that I can play Radio City music. I never would have fucking thought this was gonna happen. So we're gonna have a great time.

[Eric Andre]

Please come out. Very talented.

[Stavros Halkias]

Thank you, brother.

[Eric Andre]

And the last time I played the Beacon, I got naked, and James Dolan called my agent, and I almost got banned from. I was doing, like, the Orpheum. No, no. Like, I was doing, like, one of his Boston venues next, and they were like, if he does it again, I'm calling the police.

[Stavros Halkias]

Live theater.

[Eric Andre]

It was apparently. I think it was James.

[Stavros Halkias]

Whoever owns they Own.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Because. Because I. I mean, Mr. Dolan, we love. I. I love what you. You're doing. Please keep the Knicks tickets coming. Yeah.

[Eric Andre]

No disrespect.

[Stavros Halkias]

Good. This man from a Knicks. I had no idea. Mr. Dolan. I would have never had him on if I knew he disrespected such a beautiful theater.

[Eric Andre]

Naked at the next Penis.

[Stavros Halkias]

All right, that's gonna do for us. We'll see you next time. Bye, guys.

[Eric Andre]

Yeah. Finding the music you love shouldn't be hard. That's why Pandora makes it easy to

[Stavros Halkias]

explore all your favorites and discover new artists and genres you'll love. Enjoy a personalized listening experience simply by selecting any song or album. And we'll make a station crafted just for you.

[Eric Andre]

Best of all, you can listen to

[Stavros Halkias]

for free, download Pandora on the Apple App Store or Google Play and start hearing the soundtrack to your life.