#186 - Ari Shaffir

Summary

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Stavvy's World Ep. 186: Ari Shaffir (June 22, 2026)

Episode Overview

In this episode of Stavvy’s World, stand-up comedian Ari Shaffir drops by Stavros Halkias’s new Chelsea studio for a wide-ranging, hilarious, and surprisingly reflective hang. The two comics riff on everything from Ari’s epic backpacking adventure through Latin America to the complexities of modern relationships, outrageous travel stories, the state of comedy, and the evolving landscape of creative independence in entertainment. Listeners call in for advice on cheating, catfishing grandmas, engagement etiquette, and whether doing an accent is racist when learning a new language.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Ari’s Latin America Backpacking Saga

• Ari’s Disappearance Post-Special: After releasing his latest storytelling special "The End," Ari vanishes for months, traveling solo from Mexico to Argentina and up through Brazil for Carnival.
  • [06:46] Ari: "You just finish your work and you disappear...I started in Mexico and worked down the tip of Argentina and then back up through Brazil to Carnival."
  • [07:08] Avoided Rio for Carnival—too commercial and overpriced; found local, less-touristy options for a more authentic experience.
• Backpacking as a Grown Man: The experience of being a 50-year-old surrounded by 20-something ‘gap year’ backpackers.
  • [08:30] “Do you feel weird doing a child's vacation? ... Now is when you're backpacking, as a 50-year-old.” – Stavros
  • Ari describes the gear, shoes, and social dynamics of hostel life.
• Hostel & Bus Life—The Gritty Side:
  • [16:01] Ari and Stav discuss the education you get on the road, meeting people, gross-out moments, and how quickly you can acclimate to discomfort: “I escaped poverty. I don’t want to go back for fun… Eating hot dogs and ramen noodles for dinner.”
  • [17:32] Hostels as social hubs vs. hotels: “You find out what there is to do, you find people to do it with... You just put your bags down and people are like, ‘Hey, we're going to the Beyonce Bar, want to come?’” – Ari
  • Major pink-eye risk and other dirty secrets of hostel living.
• Jacking Off in Hostels (and Tour Buses):
  • [24:30–33:00] Detailed, explicit, painfully funny breakdown of the etiquette, logistics, taboos, and true-life confessions of “solitary fun” in crowded spaces.

Travel Reflections, Food, and Going Native

• Going Native:
  • [14:31] Ari and Stav imagine each other “going native,” with Stav joking that Ari would take a squat Guatemalan wife and disappear into the valleys.
  • Favorite Countries/Experiences: Ari struggles to pick one but highlights Peru and Mexico for food, Brazil for Carnival, urban vs. rural life variety, and the social reset that comes from unplugging.
• Food Discoveries:
  • [37:28] Mexican movie theater snacks: Doritos & Cheetos popcorn, Squizzles (gummies with hot sauce), and the snack game blowing American options away.
    • Quote: “Doritos flavored popcorn with crumbled up Dorito pieces in it… How are they beating us at snacks?” – Ari [38:05]
  • [48:39] Peruvian food: Ceviche, guinea pig (“It’s so good, bro. It’s a delicacy…”), anticucho (grilled cow hearts), and the illegality of GMOs, making the produce taste like “the candy version of the fruit.” – [52:56–53:00]
• Cultural Observations:
  • Former Nazis in Argentina/German towns in South America: Jokes about the “interesting timing” of German emigration [09:13].
  • Marijuana in Latin America vs. the U.S.: [45:08] “Mexican weed is $5 an eighth...barely gets you buzzed. That’s the joke. That’s what I’m looking for.”
  • The real virtue of travel: unplugging from online outrage cycles, resetting relationships with one’s body and routine, and discovering new ways to “be social.”

Comedy and Creative Independence

• Storytelling Shows & Special Releases:
  • Ari explains the history of "This Is Not Happening" and why he’s become committed to releasing material independently, especially via YouTube.
    • [05:44] “Just do it all yourself... That’s the way to do it. You have more control and it’s cool to see it.”
• Changing Distribution Landscape:
  • Discussion about the pluses and limits of Netflix vs. doing your own thing, lessons from comedy tours, and producing specials outside the industry norm.
    • [06:21] “You can be like, I want to put a song in here... Who cares? I’m not making money anyway.”

Wild Listener Calls & Advice (with timestamps)

1. “I Accidentally Hooked Up with a Married Woman” [59:38–72:57]

• Situation: Caller’s been dating a woman for a month, is head over heels, then discovers she has a husband and kids.
• Dilemma: Should he tell the husband? He feels morally obligated but is terrified.
• Advice:
  • Stav: “You’ve been taken advantage of, too. She ghosted you, so ghost her. Forget this happened.”
  • Ari: “You don’t know these people, you don’t owe them anything... Don’t put yourself in further danger.”
• Notable Moment: “He’s gonna turn your ass into banana ketchup, my boy. You’re gonna be lumpia when this motherfucker’s done with you.” – Stavros [64:47]

2. “Grandma’s Being Catfished by ‘Keanu Reeves’” [75:53–87:45]

• Situation: Caller’s grandma is convinced she’s in a Facebook romance with Keanu Reeves, is talking about leaving her husband of 50 years.
• Dilemma: Should they intervene and tell grandpa? Is it ethical to wipe her phone and “break up” the scam from her?
• Advice:
  • “Don’t tell grandpa. Keep grandma offline. She needs to stop talking to Keanu, but you’re not gonna fix your grandparents’ marriage.” – Ari
  • “If you want to go above and beyond, create a fake video (or get a Keanu impersonator) to let her down gently.” – Ari
• Notable Moment: “What if he’s the one doing it to juice her up so she’ll fuck him again? It’s roleplaying!”
• Memorable line: “Do not do anything to Keanu Reeves. Twisted Tea Corporation does not want violence against our national treasures.” – Ari [84:34]

3. “Should My Boyfriend Ask My Dad Before Proposing?” [90:14–101:50]

• Situation: Young woman is pretty sure her older boyfriend is going to propose, but he hasn’t asked her father for “permission.” She wants this tradition, although she says it’s not about ownership.
• Advice:
  • “It’s not really a permission thing anymore, just a moment of intimacy between you and your future in-laws.” – Stav
  • “Use a go-between (sister, best friend) to nudge him, or watch Meet the Fockers together as a subtle hint.” – Ari
  • “If he blows the surprise, tell him directly. Otherwise, let someone close to him nudge him.”
• Notable Quote: “It’s all about communication… these traditions are opportunities for closeness, not control.” – Ari

4. “Is It Racist to Use a Spanish Accent While Learning Spanish?” [107:43–112:01]

• Situation: Caller works with Mexican immigrants, wonders if mimicking their accent when speaking Spanish is racist.
• Advice:
  • “If you’re actually learning the language and want to pronounce things correctly, it’s not racist. If you’re mocking or exaggerating, then it is.” – Stav
  • “Being overly 'American' (e.g., ‘Hola, amigos!’) is actually more disrespectful than making an effort.” – Ari
  • “Learning in-country, you pick up the flow—that’s just good language learning, not posery or racism.” – Ari

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Hostel Etiquette:
  • “The ways people have threesomes are so bizarre… There’s some guys who are cursed with heterosexuality who wish they could [with] their boys, but they like [women] too much. So they use a woman as a conduit to have gay sex with each other.” – Ari [03:12]
• On Food Abroad:
  • “The fruits are like—the candy version of the fruit… In Greece, a fig is like, you pick it right off, so good, dude.” – Stav [52:53]
• On Social Media Detox:
  • “When you’re in Greece, it’s like, damn, that’s a tragedy. That’s sad. And you just go about your day. And then I came home and it was like they were getting people fired for making jokes. It was kind of schizophrenic.” – Ari [23:33]
• On Weddings and Community:
  • “We’ve designed our cities... like nice prison cells… The way you get community is public transit and density, where you have to interact.” – Stav [105:25]
• On Unplugging:
  • “It was the unplugging, mostly. That’s what you would like.” – Ari [18:53]
• On Why Not to Tell Grandpa About Grandma’s "Keanu" Romance:
  • “He wouldn’t even understand. He might go get a gun and shoot the real Keanu Reeves.” – Ari [84:18]
• On Racist vs. Respectful Pronunciation:
  • “If you’re actually learning the language, it’s not racist… Being over-American is more disrespectful than trying to say it right.” – Ari [109:44]

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Studio, Friendship, and Meta-Podcast Observations

• Moving Studios: This is the first episode in Stavvy’s World’s new Chelsea studio, complete with jokes about men's spas, sound panels falling off, and Ari attempting to ‘christen’ the space.
• On Friendship in Comedy:
  • “Some food bloggers give restaurants pub, but sometimes they’re already fine… You don’t want to make lines around the block.” [54:05]
  • “You just do want to do whatever—you're honestly down for whatever, in a very hilarious way.” – Stav to Ari [30:00]
• Meta-Podcasting Commentary:
  • Reflection on how podcasts became today’s "bar talk" and why that’s both good and bad for society [81:07].

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Advice Summary Table

| Call Topic | Stav & Ari’s Key Recommendations | Timestamp | |---|---|---| | Dating a married woman unknowingly | Let it go, don’t endanger yourself; ghost her like she ghosted you | 59:38–72:57 | | Grandma is catfished by “Keanu Reeves” | Don’t tell grandpa; gently shut grandma’s scam down, consider fake “break-up” | 75:53–87:45 | | Engagement & Parental Blessing | Use a go-between or a subtle movie reference; not about control, but intimacy | 90:14–101:50 | | Spanish accent during language learning | Not racist if you’re sincerely learning; mockery is, effort isn’t | 107:43–112:01 |

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Additional Highlights

Hilarious Visuals & Physical Gags

• Ari pantomimes "discrete" hostel masturbation techniques under a blanket [28:00–28:36].
• Running jokes about the "ancient village" ways of Greece, stuffing faces on pizza, and the joys of steamed saunas—sometimes in men-only spas, sometimes not.
• Multiple inside-baseball comedy references: “That’s David’s joke. You liked me and you supplanted his jokes onto me.” – Ari [100:23]

Podcast Tone

The episode is classic Stavvy’s World: irreverent, bawdy, self-deprecating, sometimes gross, always honest and deeply funny—but with a surprising amount of practical advice and empathy for callers’ real problems.

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Closing Thoughts

Ari and Stavros turn travel, sex, relationships, and the creative life into fodder for both relentless roasting and some real, heartfelt truths. Whether you’re in search of vicarious adventure, unsolicited life advice, or just a reason to laugh at human foibles, this is an episode not to miss.

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Timestamps Index for Key Segments

• [06:46] – Ari's Latin America Journey
• [16:01] – Social Life in Hostels vs. Hotels
• [24:30–33:00] – Hostel/Bus Masturbation Section (Explicit)
• [37:28] – Movie Theater Snack Reviews (Mexico)
• [45:08] – Weed Culture and Tolerance
• [52:56–53:00] – Fruit Quality Abroad
• [59:38] – Listener Call: Dating a Married Woman (Morality & Danger)
• [75:53] – Listener Call: Grandma’s Keanu Reeves Catfishing
• [90:14] – Listener Call: Engagement Traditions
• [107:43] – Listener Call: Is My Spanish Accent Racist?

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Relevant Links

• Ari Shaffir’s “The End” Special: Out now on YouTube
• Stavros Halkias’s Upcoming Netflix Special: “Stay tuned!”

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“Keep it twisted.” – Ari & Stav, throughout the show

Transcript

[Caller/Listener]

What's up, sports fans? I'm Rachel Dimita, here to tell you about my show, Courtside Club.

[Ari Shaffir]

If you love hoops and hot takes, then you're in the right place. Want to hear about Caitlin Clark's unstoppable rise in the wnba? How stars like Wemby and Luka Doncic are dominating the NBA? Or maybe you just want the tea on this week's most viral sports moments. Don't worry. We'll keep you updated on all of it. So grab your popcorn and come hang with us courtside.

[Caller/Listener]

You can listen to Courtside Club wherever

[Ari Shaffir]

you get your podcasts.

[Caller/Listener]

Ooey and ah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Carter's has your family covered for every summer. First, first steps, first swim lesson, or first sleepover. Our clothes help kids and parents have their best summer ever. Thanks to comfy design and easy dressing details, generations of families have trusted our must haves for babies, toddlers, and kids designed to shine season after season. Visit Carters.com to shop the latest styles or find a Carter store near you. Welcome, everybody to Stav World, 904-800-STUFF. Call in. We'll solve your problems. Very exciting episode from the Jungles. From the jungles of the. Of the Amazon.

[Elders]

That's kind of for a little bit.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, We're. We've just found Ari washed up on the. On the Hudson river shipwreck. He was trying to sail across the Amazon through the back jet skis, and

[Elders]

then I. I wrecked right at the end.

[Ari Shaffir]

We have Arisha here. He put. He just put out the end. His last big storytelling show, a show that he's had a lot of different versions of. The Comedy Central was called. What's it called?

[Elders]

Comedy Central. This is not happening.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's not happening. Then the untitled Ari Shafir storyteller show, which was just a legal loophole because Comedy Central him in the ass and took his ip. So he was like, well, you. I'm gonna do it anyway. And it was pretty. It was still good. And this one, the end. Very good. Great line. Hilarious lineup. I remember I was doing something. I wanted to do it. I think I was doing maybe Tony the movie. When. When did you. When did you shoot it?

[Elders]

This was about a year ago April. So it's like, yeah. I was like, yeah, sort of been like March or February. And you're like, hold on.

[Ari Shaffir]

I was on tour and then I had to do Tony right afterwards. That's exactly what happened.

[Elders]

You ever done a live one alive?

[Ari Shaffir]

What? A live special?

[Elders]

No. Our storytelling show. Whatever. Under whatever.

[Ari Shaffir]

No, I did Big J'S show once.

[Elders]

That's crazy.

[Ari Shaffir]

And I've just never. I don't have that many stories.

[Elders]

I know but it's. It's like a. It's like a. I would have loved like an assignment to be like of course think of one and then come. Yeah, don't worry about it.

[Ari Shaffir]

And actually doing Big J show helped me. Like I was playing around with a threesome joke that I like kind of. I was like there's more. And then I ended up. I ended up closing my. My first special with it and it was like the best crowd work I ever did because I would get into it by being like, you have somebody. Any threesomes? And the ways people have threesomes are so bizarre. There's like a. There's a. There's like your standard threesomes. There's your like a guy is doing some gay to a hot girl basically threesome. There's like. You know, there's like.

[Elders]

There's the. The craziest. Like I just started talking to two different women at a bar which doesn't exist.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I got. I never got those. Yeah, it was always. And what was what happened A lot. I love the ones where it was like there are some guys who are cursed with heterosexuality who wish they could their boys but they like too much. So they. They literally chicks together and it's almost like they're using a woman as a conduit to have gay sex with each other. That was a funny style of threesome. 3.

[Elders]

It does bring it closer together.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah yeah.

[Elders]

Remember that time we did that? It's like going to a ball game. It's like oh dude.

[Ari Shaffir]

The most mass opportunistic cultures do the gayest like Greek villagers. Greek villagers. Like I went. I remember when I was like. I was like. And I went. I went to like my. My. My family had like a house that was like you know, two or three hours outside of Athens. But for Europe two hours a two hour drive. You know how they are. It's like they might. That's like a 14 hour flight to them.

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah.

[Elders]

Like gotta get everything.

[Ari Shaffir]

They have such a villagers mindset where they're like. And you know we'll just drive four hours. Like it's nothing. But we went there so it was like a little outside of Athens and it was a beautiful. In a beautiful place. I don't remember if this was a place called or if it was the. They have another. It was later on anyway. It doesn't matter. Kind of hickish and These are like year olds are talking about how like them and their older. They're like how their cool older. Older cousins like, like helped that like rant. Help them run trains on like talk about a run train.

[Elders]

They're cool older cousins.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. Like, that was the bonding experience. And it was like you. And it was like, you know, weird. And they're like pumped. And it's like, dude, I think you're like, cousin is sort of molesting you. Like, I think he's making you.

[Elders]

Will make you get naked in front of him.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. And like. Yeah.

[Elders]

And it's like, why would I get naked in front of you? It was like, here's a girl.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But they're like, no, this is cool.

[Elders]

Tiny dick.

[Ari Shaffir]

They felt like. It was like. They felt like it was a. When a JV player gets called up to varsity. That's how. That's how they were. Everyone was like the one year old that got to be in a three. You know, maybe we should bleep this out. Let's bleep out his age. Let's say he was 18. 18 year old villager. Anyway, look, I'm. This is not what you should do, folks.

[Elders]

This is what you should not do. A story of. Of ill.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's weird. It's weird how, how, like how this happens anyway. But yes, I never did to. To come back. No, I never did do your story.

[Elders]

Have I ever invited you to a live one? I didn't do it as much in New York as in la, but I did up sometimes plenty in festivals.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. But that just never worked out. But go see the, you know, watch the end, folks. It's been out for a while now. Very funny. A lot of. A lot of great people on it.

[Elders]

It's great. Everybody's loving it.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Elders]

Response is like, it's kind of cool. Just do it all yourself.

[Ari Shaffir]

I love that. Dude. We gotta start doing completely independently.

[Elders]

You did it.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. Yeah. There's, you know, the, you know, everything. That's the way to do it. And I think, like, I'm very excited obviously for my Netflix special and I do think there's still a space for like our specials to go on certain platforms. But I think everything else, like stand up 2 is like such a real. It's just like, it's. It's nice to. I want to. I guess what I'm saying is I want to go. I want to start putting more stuff out myself on YouTube because it feels like you have more control and it's cool to See it be, you know, more control.

[Elders]

For sure. You can be like, I'm putting a song in here.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. Who cares? I'm not making money anyway. Who cares? I don't think the Rolling Stones are that litigious. But anyway, so you did this. This storytelling thing and then you. You did something, which I love, which I am envious of, where you just do something and you just disappear. You literally just finish my work. You finish your work and then you went. Where did you go?

[Elders]

I went all through Latin America.

[Caller/Listener]

Wow.

[Elders]

No offense. To Albania. I'm sure that'll be my next trip. You can't spend any Albania.

[Ari Shaffir]

You would love Albania. You. You'd just disappear into the hills.

[Elders]

I really would. Yeah. I went to. I started in Mexico and I just worked down the tip of Argentina and then back up through Brazil to Carnival.

[Ari Shaffir]

Went to Carnival.

[Elders]

Yeah, that's. Aw, not Rio.

[Ari Shaffir]

Not Rio.

[Elders]

Everybody I talked to in Uruguay and Argentina, every Brazilian, like, do not go to Rio. That's commercial.

[Ari Shaffir]

That's.

[Elders]

They're like. There's four other carnivals and they're all way more chill and fun.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Elders]

So I was like, interesting. Okay. Plus, hostile beds in a dorm were $400 a night.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, my God.

[Elders]

In Rio during Carnival.

[Ari Shaffir]

That's brutal.

[Elders]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

And it's like, crazy.

[Elders]

I don't think I wanted that bad.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. Yeah. So did you just backpack? What'd you do?

[Elders]

Yeah, backpack. I just bit. My knees are. They're getting better. But like. Yeah, just like pounds on my back.

[Ari Shaffir]

Holy.

[Elders]

Dude, if you buy anything, you got to dump something. You're full on space right away.

[Ari Shaffir]

So you're really, like, living. You're on the Oregon trail. Basically.

[Elders]

Yeah. These shoes. I just got a new pair cuz I wore the other ones out. But like, these. I can go out at night with these. Like, if I needed to, like, be at a restaurant, like, they'll do enough.

[Ari Shaffir]

Right, Right, right, right, right. You look like a dork. But it's still. But still. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One pair of shoes is the tough one.

[Elders]

Everything. Well, I had hiking shoes and these so I could flip them around. And one of these Bert Kreischer flip flops that ruled.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, yeah. The.

[Elders]

The like, not the slides.

[Ari Shaffir]

Not the slides.

[Elders]

No, the leather ones.

[Ari Shaffir]

I love slides. I'm a slides guy. And they're very cushioned.

[Elders]

Yeah, they're cushioned.

[Ari Shaffir]

And they have Bert's face on it, which is hilarious.

[Elders]

Step right.

[Ari Shaffir]

Take that. Take that, Bert. Suck my toes, Bert.

[Elders]

Yeah, but everything in a backpack. It was just fine. It's Fine. Everybody's doing it. All the gap year kids are doing it. It's usually like 28 year olds.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, that's the thing. It's like, do you feel weird doing a child's vacation? Do you feel weird doing an Eat, Pray, Love? It's like you either have to be divorced or 19 and you just got married. So it's very funny that now is when you're backpacking as a 50 year old.

[Elders]

They're mostly. They're mostly like. They. They're mostly like, hey, whoever's here is here. We don't care if we're playing cards. Some Austrians like, let me show you an Austrian card game. We're all in. Yeah, there's sometimes where it's like Austrian card game. You sure you want to be.

[Ari Shaffir]

You sure you want to be involved in that? What happens if a Jew loses an Austrian card game?

[Elders]

The punishments were severe.

[Ari Shaffir]

Don't lose.

[Elders]

Don't lose. It won't be an issue.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, Grandfather taught Mrs. He spent. That's how they killed time. He was a prison guard, bro.

[Elders]

There's so many streets and statues like in the southern like Argentina, stuff named after just German sounding names and like when did they get here?

[Ari Shaffir]

You know when.

[Elders]

Yeah, we'd look him up. We'd look him up and like he made a fortune. Kind of exited Germany in the interesting mid to early to late 30s. Yeah, somewhere between the early 20s and late 30s.

[Ari Shaffir]

Right, that's. That's what. That's what the official ledger says now that got there, 1948. Yeah, got there as soon as the. As soon as the cordite on Hitler and the back of Hitler's head cooled. That guy was on the first steam engine to Argentina.

[Elders]

Entire German cities. But I didn't get to one.

[Ari Shaffir]

Well, I did hear I. Because I do think. And elders maybe look this up. I don't know. I feel like big screen.

[Elders]

We'll look at it.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, yeah, we. We still need to. Elders did not set up the tv. This you should also say. Actually I didn't say this at all. This is our first episode in our new studio.

[Elders]

I'm christening it.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, I'm christening it. You are. Which basically means it's, you know, you're getting the shittiest version of it. Don't. Do not put your penis. No, no. Circumcised penis. Or to touch the artwork. Stop it. Stop fucking the backdrop. By the way. We've used the backdrop before. You'd have to fuck the studio walls we've used. We've Used. We've done maybe a hundred episodes with this backdrop.

[Elders]

Now I'm just a whore.

[Ari Shaffir]

You just fuck the scenery for no reason. No, stop. Don't. The sign, Ari.

[Caller/Listener]

Sorry.

[Elders]

Sorry.

[Ari Shaffir]

But yes, we, we have. We'll say more about it later. But we. We're still figuring our out. But we're very happy that Stavi Baby Enterprises has a world headquarters now in the beautiful Chelsea. In beautiful Chelsea, Manhattan. Eldest picked it. It's right next to a couple men's only spas where she's been going to a lot for some reason. I don't know what that's about. Eldis, he keeps blowing off some steam at the men's spa of Chelsea.

[Guest/Contributor]

Just real stressful setting everything up, you know.

[Ari Shaffir]

Right.

[Guest/Contributor]

You gotta be within distance of a comforting massage. Bob plays place to unwind some like minded guys.

[Ari Shaffir]

Like minded guys.

[Elders]

Talking sports. Talking sports and getting down.

[Ari Shaffir]

Talking sports. Getting some knots out. Sitting in the sauna. Whatever happens, happens. And then you leave and you go back to your wife. The classic men's spot.

[Elders]

So hard to find a non gay sauna on the road. Yeah, here you. There's a couple, but on the road you're like, oh, cool bath house. And you get there like, God damn it, I've had. I've had people tell me like, no, you know, it's all men. You don't need to wear shorts. I'm like, okay. And they go, take your shorts off.

[Ari Shaffir]

Take the shorts off.

[Elders]

I mean, they're already on.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, come on, man. Can I just get esteem while you have gay sex in the corner? Leave me alone. It'd be really funny to love sauna so much. You're like, fellas, I'm straight. You have all the sex you want. Just please leave me alone. I'll be here wearing sunglasses with my airpods on.

[Elders]

People are just like bent over rail

[Ari Shaffir]

is just like, I think I could enjoy a sauna if a guy was discreetly jerking another guy off. Anything more than that, I don't think I could handle.

[Elders]

I want the steam. I want the. I want to know the steam is made by the sauna and not by the actions going on.

[Ari Shaffir]

Right.

[Elders]

Well, you'd have to really, the humidity.

[Ari Shaffir]

You'd have to be butt at a crazy rate to create steam.

[Elders]

Well, that's how I butt stuff. Listen, listen. You do your half ass way, you'd

[Ari Shaffir]

have to suck dick at a. In insane rate of speed to create steam. Imagine somebody sucks your dick so fast

[Elders]

like, like Miyagi steam coming off.

[Ari Shaffir]

And then you have a wrinkled shirt she blows on it. It's completely. She gets all the wrinkles out.

[Elders]

She presses I butt rapidly in front of T shirts.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, you. You could mouth. You could equ. Fart, blow on it, whatever.

[Elders]

Just get Tom and Steve to come over to your house and all your stuff is just thick and stand speed.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, dude, I. I've not. I've not gone to that. I really. Just keep the sauna here or. I have become a sauna guy in general. I do like it.

[Elders]

I'll take you to one.

[Ari Shaffir]

I want to get. I want to. I want my own sauna. Sauna.

[Elders]

Yeah, that would be nice.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, that would be really.

[Elders]

My dad built himself a sauna downstairs for his, like, 75th birthday.

[Caller/Listener]

Whoa.

[Ari Shaffir]

That's himself.

[Elders]

Whatever.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Elders]

Mexicans are Albanians.

[Ari Shaffir]

He oversaw it, but he was the foreman on the project.

[Elders]

But, man, it's so great to have it downstairs.

[Ari Shaffir]

Wait, in the. Because you grew up in Silver Sp Spring, right? Oh, yeah, we know.

[Elders]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

We got Maryland.

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

So that. There's no way that was to code in Silver Spring, by the way. Your dad's got. Your dad's got an illegal sauna in the basement. That's awesome. Okay, so what was your favorite country? Like? What was the most notable. Notable experience on the back?

[Elders]

It's tough. There's a ton. I wasn't gone for three weeks, so every time somebody's like, what's your favorite? Like, man, that's. That's.

[Ari Shaffir]

Well, give me, give me, don't give me. You're right. Favorite is a hack. That's a bad way to be an interviewer, and I apologize.

[Elders]

I do the same. I'm like. That's a better word.

[Ari Shaffir]

There's. There's just. This is literally just tired, and I'm like, I got to do a podcast with a broken arm before going back to the movie. What's your favorite vacation?

[Elders]

I got one for you.

[Guest/Contributor]

You're.

[Elders]

You know, I'm gone. You're here. Yes, I'm gone at some level of months, whatever. I send a text, everybody, like, this ain't going to be my number anymore, so lose it. Are you at all, like, I wonder what he's doing? Or like, what. What kind of. Where's he eating or where's he sleeping or whatever.

[Ari Shaffir]

I guess what I think about is just. I literally just. In my mind's eye, it's like, literally a fucking. Like, thatch. A roof thatch hut.

[Elders]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

With a grass floor. You're fucking. You're, like, barefoot. You know what I mean? You've taken a Very. A squat Guatemalan wife. For the time being, you've taken a

[Elders]

small woman, the smallest small woman who's

[Ari Shaffir]

grounding cassava roots in a fudgeing mortar and pestle to make you weird little specific pancakes. Like, to me. To me, you've, like, just gone native.

[Elders]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Like, to me, I think you're living the life of like, a. Some, like, European that went down there to run a brutal, like, plant, like, sugar cane plantation. You know what I mean? Like, which I know is not what you're doing, but I literally think of, like, you just overlooking a beautiful valley.

[Elders]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

You know, in the. In the. I just think of the most idyllic version of it with. I mean, idyllic. It's horror. You know, it's like. I just think. Basically what I'm saying is I don't think, you know. Yeah, yeah. Basically, when I was on a. Maybe you're fishing.

[Elders]

There were some days like that.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, yeah, for sure.

[Elders]

There were some days where I'm like, I haven't worn shoes in almost a week.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, it was.

[Elders]

It was pretty rad. But a lot of it was like, big metropolitan cities.

[Ari Shaffir]

Cool.

[Elders]

Santiago. Buenos Aires.

[Ari Shaffir]

So you basically, you check into a hotel when you get there and you live like a human hostels. You're a hostel guy. Never a hotel.

[Elders]

Occasionally a hotel. If I'm in and out, the hotels are cheap enough. Or there's no hostels. It was like a totally not tourist town.

[Ari Shaffir]

Right, right, right.

[Elders]

Like, we don't really have that hostel.

[Ari Shaffir]

Seems brutal. You're in there with like. Again, like, you get a private.

[Elders]

Private hostel, but sometimes they're not available and you just do. I mean, I got pink eye out of them a couple times. They're not clean.

[Ari Shaffir]

I mean, you wake up, couple was eating each other's ass on your pillow

[Elders]

24 hours ago because you'll see the guys cleaning up. If you're like. And you're like, wait, did you change those sheets or you just make the bed?

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, dude. If I got into a bed and there was clearly another person's musk in there, it would. I would go craz. I would hate that. Yeah, I. I'm. I'm too much of a. I'm. First of all, I'm too fat. Right. Bad back.

[Elders]

You were buses.

[Caller/Listener]

Huh?

[Elders]

You do buses?

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, but it's a night. I know the mat. I know the mattress. I can get used to it. I. I'll sleep in a nice Airbnb. Like, we got that. Remember that?

[Elders]

Airbnbs are cool.

[Ari Shaffir]

Airbnb but not like you're going to see people. No, but what I'm saying is, like, I'll go to a nice Airbnb, and if the mattress isn't right, my. I'm fucked for three days. Wow. So I'm just too fat right now to do some shit like that. And also, I'm too. I do think I've, like, I have quickly forgotten.

[Elders]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

You can do how horrible my life used to be.

[Elders]

You can get used to it. It takes about 10 days.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Elders]

And then you're like, whatever, it's fine. I mean, I've had bathroom doors, you open up and they fall off, and

[Ari Shaffir]

you're like, fuck, no joke. Like, I escaped poverty. I don't want to go back for fun. It was like, you're talking about me. Just, oh, why don't I. Oh, you know, it'd be a fun vacation. Eating hot dogs and ramen noodles for dinner.

[Elders]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

After. After. After fourth grade, I was like, that's what. I think. I'm good, man. I think I just want to stay in nice places.

[Elders]

It was social. That was the thing, though.

[Ari Shaffir]

Social.

[Elders]

It's like you. You find out what there is to do, you find people to do it with. That part is like, I've never gotten that hotel. I've never met anybody. No, you're.

[Ari Shaffir]

You're absolutely right about that.

[Elders]

So you get used to the. That they're used to, too. And then you're like, I mean, I put my bags down in. In. In some city in. In Brazil, and they're like, hey, we're going to the Beyonce Brazil. Well, like, oh, like, you want to come? It's. It was like grade school. Yeah, I'm gonna play. And I'm like, give me five minutes. I'm like, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's cool. And then it's like, you're just out talking to people from all over.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. And they don't. And the thing is, they don't know how lucky they are that you were not there to sex traffic people. Because a guy that looks like you see the victim.

[Elders]

A guy looks like you at a

[Ari Shaffir]

hostel, like, being like, oh, hey, like, literally, how do you do, fellow kids? The Buscemi meme.

[Elders]

Oh, my God. Where you guys from? Who else knows you're here?

[Ari Shaffir]

Ye. Does your mom have your location?

[Elders]

Your exact location? Hey, guys, let's all turn off our location.

[Ari Shaffir]

That'll be fun. Let's unplug.

[Elders]

Leave your phones here.

[Ari Shaffir]

I know this great. I know this great hike of this. This really secluded hike where definitely no, no. Eastern European mobsters are waiting by a shipping container to take you to God knows where. Yeah, dude, that. That, you know, but. But that's good. I like.

[Elders]

It was the unplugging, mostly. That's what you would like.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, I would like the employee.

[Elders]

It was the. It was the.

[Ari Shaffir]

And, you know, maybe that's why when I think of what you're doing, I'm actually fantasizing about what I want to be doing.

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah.

[Elders]

You would do what I did probably here.

[Ari Shaffir]

I would. Exactly.

[Elders]

And in a new island or something.

[Ari Shaffir]

I wouldn't like to do that much. I would like to set up shop, I think, a little bit, you know,

[Elders]

so everybody's got to do it their own way.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Elders]

You would get a cabana.

[Ari Shaffir]

I would. 100. You're so right.

[Elders]

Greek island.

[Ari Shaffir]

And I'd grill. I would try and buy fresh fish and cook it.

[Elders]

Teach me how to fake this. Can I watch you make it? Can I teach you how to make it?

[Ari Shaffir]

Exactly. I would love. I would love to go on a boat with a fisherman. I would love that, dude. Maybe I will do this.

[Elders]

And they don't know you.

[Ari Shaffir]

They don't know.

[Elders]

Seem like an inquisitive guy.

[Ari Shaffir]

I know, all right. And I know enough Greek where it's like, I can get, like. That's the other thing. In Greece, I can actually speak, and it would help my Greek to actually speak to people. That was. That's been my dream of, like, the last five years. Every year, I'm like, this year, I'm going to Greece for six weeks, and every year, something. This year, it was.

[Caller/Listener]

Hat.

[Ari Shaffir]

Dude, it's so fucked up. 100. I had it.

[Elders]

That's the right time to do it, too.

[Ari Shaffir]

And I. I was like, here's what a piece of. What? What? How much I cursed the gods.

[Caller/Listener]

Where.

[Ari Shaffir]

I was. I was literally looking at my calendar, and I was plotting everything out, and I was like, wow, it's gonna. I don't see any way it doesn't happen this year. The next day, I break my arm. Literally, the day before, I was. I was, like, looking up flights. It was that much. I was like, I think this is the window. And I was just looking up flights to see the prices and like, oh, should I do it now? And I was like, there's no way special into. Into the movie, into the next movie, coming out. Into tires. Coming out, into my special coming out. And then right after I go to Greece now, who fucking knows what's gonna happen? But I am gonna try and go out there for two weeks at least. Nice.

[Elders]

Two weeks to me, is about the time to take 10, 12 days. And you're like, I'm relaxed now.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Elders]

And now I can.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's at least. It's at least a reset. It's not a full reset, but it's a. It's a recharge, not a reset. I guess what you should do, if

[Elders]

you do one of those is like. Is like just get a burner phone or another phone and just take just your mom's number or anyone you would need to. Everyone else, like, don't bother me.

[Ari Shaffir]

That's a great idea. Make it literally impossible for me to use my.

[Caller/Listener]

I.

[Ari Shaffir]

To use Instagram or Twitter or whatever. The.

[Elders]

Dude. I've gotten back and I've noticed that I don't know. But the. The talking points came and went, and I was never made aware of them. So I could hear somebody referencing something that I don't know. And I'm kind of glad I don't.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. And I'm like, you're like, hey, I haven't seen a new Charlie Kirk video in a while. What's going on?

[Elders]

I did hear about that.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. Did you hear about that in Guatemala? In Guatemala. You know what? I was in Greece when it happened, actually.

[Elders]

It hits different. You don't get as emotionalized.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, no. There. I was like. I mean, when it broke in Greece, first of all, you just hear there's a shooting, and it's like, oh, damn, that sucks. And then when. When he died. When, like, he died, I was like, damn, that. Like, I've heard of that. I didn't like the guy, but you shouldn't kill people you don't agree with. That's. That's. And that was all. That was what I thought it was going to be. And then I get home and like, Republicans are like, if you are not sad about Charlie, you need to die. You saw that guy, that one guy? Not all Republicans. Like, no, dude. There's that one guy who's like, cr. Like, in a golf. They're all acting guys in golf, polos crying like, this is mlk. It's like, he was. Anyway, you know, I'm gonna stop myself acting.

[Elders]

They're all just doing Stephen A. Smith. They're all just doing a version of Stephen A. Smith where you're like, you don't actually care about this dude, but you convince yourself you do.

[Ari Shaffir]

Well, all of them wanted to be famous, every one of them. Ben Shapir is a failed screenwriter.

[Elders]

Is he really?

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, yeah. All the Like, I mean, the others, like, so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's tough. Ben Shapiro couldn't make it in Hollywood.

[Elders]

Imagine how bad he was at screenwriting Shapiro. You might have gone further. The Ben threw people off.

[Ari Shaffir]

But it's like, you know, and a lot. A lot of that.

[Elders]

Is this an old black man. I'm not reading all the other. The other name.

[Ari Shaffir]

I don't need to see the last name. But. But like, a lot. And a lot of, like, a lot of, like, conservative online figures or pundits are like, failed comedian. How many failed standups become conservative pundits all of a sudden? You know what I mean?

[Elders]

Stayed out of it. You're so good.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, but. But it's so. Anyway, it's like that shit happens all the time. But I remember coming home and being like, jesus, when you're in Greece, it's like, damn, that's. That's a tragedy. That's sad. And you just go about your day. And then I came home and it was like they were getting people fired for being like, I didn't like when he said black people, you know, deserve to vote or whatever. You know, don't deserve to vote or whatever. Like, the voting rights is the biggest mistake we've ever made. And it's like it was. It was actually firing people over it. It was kind of schizophrenic because I was like. And obviously, I know these people are hypocrites, but it's like, this is exactly what you were mad about.

[Elders]

Oh, they're doing the same thing. They're such.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's literally the same thing where they were getting people fired for making jokes they didn't like. And it's like, I don't want to.

[Elders]

I don't want to use slurs on your podcast. But like. But like, both sides are such.

[Ari Shaffir]

You can bleep it.

[Elders]

Eldest such.

[Ari Shaffir]

And his mouth, too. Don't let people know what he said.

[Elders]

I mean, they're both so lame.

[Ari Shaffir]

But listen, it's so.

[Elders]

And they're like, yeah, yeah, that's like. So then don't do it yourself. Whatever.

[Ari Shaffir]

Anyway, it's so. It's fine the boat. But I will say the both sides argument does bother me a little bit because now we're talk like, the both sides, when they call. When they call, you know, left, they call Mandani a communist. And it's like, like, the guy wants, like, one side is, we should have health care. And the other side is, let's round up every brown person and fucking try them without any Due process. So I do think there's a little difference at this point. But we don't have to talk about it. We could talk about how they mean

[Elders]

bitching about, like, some words.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yes.

[Elders]

And everyone's like, oh, you're so mad about these words. Like, guys, go back to your.

[Ari Shaffir]

Let's get back. Let me ask you this. When's the. Did you jack off in a hostel?

[Elders]

Yeah. Yeah. Tons of times. And generally, were you in a room with other people? Questions now we're dying. Your favorite place. Yes.

[Ari Shaffir]

So did you jack up an Oslo and how did you manage it with other people?

[Elders]

Okay. Showers are your friend shower. That's usually where you go to. Oh. Unless you're a German.

[Ari Shaffir]

An animal.

[Elders]

And they just do. On a animal. Right up top of the bunk bed.

[Guest/Contributor]

Wow.

[Ari Shaffir]

On top. Did any. Did any juices drip on you? Did they come through those thin camp mattresses? They have it, bro.

[Elders]

Germans. And not for the reasons you would expect. And not for. That's fine. We're good on that.

[Ari Shaffir]

We're good on that.

[Elders]

I test drove a BMW once. We're fine. But this new untoward.

[Ari Shaffir]

He's over it.

[Elders]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's not to him. It's. Yeah, it's how I do think they seem like a very, like, utilitarian culture where it's like, well, yeah, we have the room we should have here. You know what I mean? The shower is a gentleman's way.

[Elders]

Go hike in the. Dude. So it was in this place we stayed. It was like, there's an oasis. It's all polluted now, but it's dunes. Sand dunes as far as you can see. I'm sure they've shot movies there.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. And that's beautiful.

[Caller/Listener]

Where was this?

[Elders]

Peru?

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, hell yeah. Damn, I want to go. I've never been to South America. I should do this trip. Sounds awesome.

[Elders]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

I don't know about the backpacking, but

[Elders]

I'll go to, like, Minor City. I mean, it's cool if you're there, but no one's flying straight there. It's not like Machu Picchu, where it's super famous and met some Australians. It was one of those where I saw some people that. That I saw recognize, and I'm like, dude, generally I wouldn't. But if I do and I'm looking to party, this face is a weapon.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Elders]

I'm like, hey, I'm invited for sure.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Guest/Contributor]

Yeah.

[Elders]

Let's go get around.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, dude. If you're a. If you're some weird Australian alien who, like, you know, Is familiar with your work. If you're. If you're backpacking, the dream is you see a bearded derelict, Ari Shafir. Like, hey, mate, you remember that guy that we was. We were laughing at? I got drinks with him. I think it. A girl with him. Like, that's. That's the best story of all time. Me and Ori Sophia ran a train on this girl. Urban Machu Picchu.

[Elders]

Oh, dude, we had so much of these two minors. These two minor Australians. Six months off. Six months? Oh, no, no, no. Adults. Yeah, adult.

[Ari Shaffir]

Like, I mean, you know.

[Elders]

Yeah. And I'm talking about how. How state of origin, whatever. And then I kept seeing him go to the bathroom. And I'm like, well, I know what Australia is. So I followed him once. As soon as the door closed.

[Ari Shaffir]

You seem really. You seem really energetic. After every piss you take, I just

[Elders]

kick the bathroom door open and like, what the. I'm like, line up,

[Ari Shaffir]

it's the police. Let me snort some cocaine. Or you're. We're sending you back to Brisbane.

[Elders]

But some chicken nick lost her phone. She was like, my phone was stolen. Because they were kind of. There was some stories about like, jogging, people taking all their stuff there.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, yeah. And she goes, I lost my phone at hostels specifically.

[Elders]

Or at these. At bars there, where cab driver was like, you want a free shot? I'll drive you home. And a dude fell for it because we've never been drugged.

[Ari Shaffir]

Right.

[Elders]

And then woke up with nothing.

[Ari Shaffir]

Right, right, right, right.

[Elders]

But some chick was like, my phone was still. I was like, but you weren't drugged. She goes, no. I'm like, you sure it wasn't when you were in the dunes? And she was like, it definitely wasn't that. I'm like. And we're like, when did you have a last. Like, right before I went to the dunes to go. Like, I think it might have been.

[Ari Shaffir]

I think it's in the dunes because

[Elders]

once you look, it's covers. It's gone.

[Ari Shaffir]

Wow.

[Elders]

And she was like, no. We're like, lady, it's okay. But that's where you go, right? You find it. Let's go the dunes. Let's go the Amazon.

[Ari Shaffir]

So you never jacked off in your bed with other people?

[Elders]

100. I did so many times.

[Ari Shaffir]

But it's more gentle. Quiet, but quiet.

[Elders]

I'm an adult.

[Ari Shaffir]

Short strokes.

[Elders]

So Also, you want 18 strokes. You want to. If you're lying down, you can go straight or you can just do a little, little, little curve. And then if you see a little curve, Then what you don't get is this.

[Ari Shaffir]

Right?

[Elders]

You just get. You have some space.

[Ari Shaffir]

Right. And for. For our audio only listeners, you're up. Ari is showing you how to use your thigh to disguise jacking off Blake.

[Elders]

So imagine.

[Ari Shaffir]

And maybe you put your T shirt over it.

[Elders]

No, but imagine there's a blanket.

[Ari Shaffir]

A blank. A blanket.

[Elders]

So this is a blanket. And then you're just like.

[Ari Shaffir]

So you. You tend to the blanket and you short stroke it so that your hand does not. Now look. If they're looking at your elbow, they're seeing some motion. But who's really peering?

[Caller/Listener]

Staring.

[Elders]

You don't make.

[Ari Shaffir]

Are there curtains or no.

[Elders]

And the good ones. Yeah, you get a privacy curtain so you're fine. Yeah, but sometimes on the top bunk and that's all you get. There's no privacy, curtains and. Yeah, lame. But sometimes you just gotta.

[Ari Shaffir]

In your. At any point in your life, did you ever. In one of those. Even when you were more reckless, did you ever.

[Elders]

I tried once. I got turned on by a girl once. She was like, I'll just sleep with you. But like we're not doing anything. Like, okay, but I'm not. Yeah, that's not what I'm hearing.

[Ari Shaffir]

Sure.

[Elders]

So. So then it's like trying.

[Ari Shaffir]

I wouldn't. I would. I would keep that conversation for your lawyer.

[Elders]

Ar just I'm like, make it out. You know, and it's like, okay. And then it's like. And she's like, no, I'm not in a dorm. Like, fair, fair.

[Ari Shaffir]

Which is completely fair.

[Elders]

Completely fair.

[Ari Shaffir]

She was completely right. She wanted to you. But you were like, let's go to this communal. Let's go. You want to In a. On the lower bunk bed while some German is above us.

[Elders]

Well, the cool thing is like I'm faking it money wise while I'm there.

[Ari Shaffir]

Right.

[Elders]

I'm not going to say let's do something more expensive than you guys are capable. I will always defer to the poorest one because I'm like, I'll do your experience. I'm not going to be the. You know, I don't want to like ruin it for anybody.

[Ari Shaffir]

Totally.

[Elders]

And also.

[Ari Shaffir]

And I think with you it is authentic. I think other people would be trying to be poor, but I just do there. You just do want to do whatever you're. You are honestly down for whatever in a. In a very hilarious way.

[Elders]

I don't sell myself on the lie pretty fast. You know, you ever use an excuse is like, it hurt my leg and then I legitimately walking yeah. And somebody's like, you get mad like, dude, that's how you handle handicap people. And you're like, but you're lying.

[Guest/Contributor]

Like.

[Elders]

But I believed it.

[Ari Shaffir]

But they don't know I'm lying. And they're still being very anti handicap. The anti handicap or I guess is handicap the right one now. Disabled community.

[Elders]

I think they're more abled.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, wow. That's. In some ways that. And that's beautiful.

[Elders]

Thank you. Click that like button. Smash that like right now.

[Ari Shaffir]

The closest I've come to. I almost jacked off in the bus once eldest. But I just, I couldn't do it

[Elders]

it in the bus.

[Guest/Contributor]

Oh, really?

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Guest/Contributor]

I thought about it. I was like, would I. What would it take for me to try to beat off in my bunk?

[Elders]

I mean, you got the curtains.

[Ari Shaffir]

You got the curtains, but it's just. You don't want jizz air in the bus.

[Elders]

You don't want J.

[Ari Shaffir]

You know what I mean?

[Elders]

Well, how are you doing it? You can't have free flying jizz.

[Ari Shaffir]

No. You're in the bank. You're. You're in the bunk. Because I had thought I was like, what would I do? Cuz I. My dick was hard. Someone had sent me a titty pick.

[Elders]

Okay.

[Ari Shaffir]

And I'm like, interesting. This is pretty cool.

[Elders]

Resulted in a lengthening of my body part.

[Ari Shaffir]

And I'm like. And I'm. And I was. I think maybe. And I wasn't sure if some. Now maybe I was saved by the fact that I thought someone else was in the back. Because if I was fully alone, alone, my neck was hard. I probably would have just jerked my shit.

[Guest/Contributor]

You know what the biggest deterrent was for me on this go around last spring, the curtain was much heavier than it was on.

[Ari Shaffir]

Like this was a lighter curtain. You're right.

[Guest/Contributor]

You're right. I think it was still that same heavyweight, like even sound muffling. It's like, I'm not gonna do it on the front first run because I'm

[Elders]

a little too cagey about anybody else do it too.

[Ari Shaffir]

Right, Right. We. And we know JP's not beating off. He's. He probably doesn't even be. He probably. He probably like has to go to confession right after he jacks off. He's too. He's too good of a Catholic boy.

[Elders]

It's so funny when the, when the bus company's telling you what they're like, oh, listen, there's a shower. We have closet space here. Oh, there's a whole separate area. They don't Sell you on the thickness of the curtains for jacket.

[Ari Shaffir]

No. And I will say I did like our. The first bus we had had did. And the. The. Not only did it have was it a thick curtain. It buttoned all the way down so it was com. You were completely like, oh, Elvis's shoddy job of putting up the soundproofing panel. A soundproof panel just fell. Hopefully the album caught it.

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah.

[Elders]

We just started getting way echoey in here. You'll know. It's all. This is great help.

[Guest/Contributor]

I guess those stickies didn't hold. Didn't have time to screw them in

[Ari Shaffir]

a sound panel with 3M stickies that he got from C. Over under on this one falling.

[Elders]

I mean, it's crooked already.

[Ari Shaffir]

Well, yeah, it is crooked.

[Elders]

They were both crooked.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Elders]

There's either like the towel and you're like jizz under the towel, but that's air. Or inside out sock or something where it's completely enclosed and there is never any air.

[Ari Shaffir]

I think I probably would have gone shield the jizz with my hand minimum shield. And then probably.

[Elders]

I know what you mean.

[Ari Shaffir]

Put the iron dome over my.

[Elders]

You don't want it on your chin anyway. Especially got facial hair. That's not coming out as easily as your youth. That's the whole process. Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Elders]

Oh, you shave the beard. I don't want to talk about it

[Ari Shaffir]

by getting gum. Jesus, what are you eating? Your jizz is so sticky. You had to shave your beard. It's like. Yeah. I went to the doctor right after that. Turns out. Yeah, I have a. I have a massive protein deficiency.

[Elders]

Yeah. One time I was with. Hooking up with a chick. She's like, I'm not in a dorm. And I was like, okay. And so then I was like, like, I'll pay for a private.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Elders]

And she's like, but you already have a dorm. I was like, hey, secretly I have over 100 in the bank. Don't tell anybody else. It'll get weird. But yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Elders]

I'm 100 air.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's. That's nice. So interesting. So a lot of people just had. No. That's fun too. That when no one had a frame of. Most people didn't have a frame of reference for who you were on this trip.

[Elders]

Zilch. Almost here or there. Sure. But mostly I'm just some guy.

[Ari Shaffir]

That's awesome. Awesome.

[Elders]

It was a little out of the age group.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. If I. Yeah. What I would do, I would probably, like, get contacts and cut my hair. And before I did this so that I just look like a different.

[Elders]

I shaved. I shaved everything, dude.

[Ari Shaffir]

What if I really?

[Elders]

Yeah. Ball bald.

[Ari Shaffir]

Really?

[Elders]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

I was assuming you had the bushiest beard.

[Elders]

No, this is nine months of. Of growth.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, did you shave it and then just.

[Elders]

Yeah, I shaved in the. In the layover in Mexico City to get there.

[Ari Shaffir]

Wow.

[Elders]

I went to the bathroom and ruined a bathroom.

[Ari Shaffir]

Like immediate. Imagine the all the messes you think you're going to find in an airport bathroom of guy shaving his full beard and hair. Like you'll find jizz, you'll find blood. And it's not like you have a

[Elders]

scene up guy going. Well, I thought I had seen it all. I thought today was going to be another diarrhea day.

[Ari Shaffir]

That's hilarious, dude. That would piss me off so much, dude. Cuz it's like, honestly, I would rather wipe up a little than have to

[Elders]

deal with your mop and you're like

[Ari Shaffir]

this, like how much of these are pubes? You're thinking, even though. Yeah, they kind of look like pubes. Damn. That's fucking hilarious. That's awesome, dude. Guys, if your lady or your fella or that person that sends you an eggplant emoji at 2am is ready for better sex, then you should be too. That's where bluechew comes in. They have been on a mission for years to get you bricked up, build your confidence and help you actually perform in the bedroom. Their new arousal boosting formula, Bluechew Gold, is helping millions of men have better sex in 2026. While most ED meds only focus on blood flow, Bluetooth Gold goes further by combining two ingredients for blood flow with two ingredients for mental arousal and connection. So you're not just physically ready, you are actually in the mood. This type of innovation is why bluechew Gold is the number one brand in erectile function. Don't let your mind get in the way of a good time. Discover your [e-mail] and we've got a special deal for our listeners. Right. When you buy two months of BlueChew Gold, you get the third for free with promo code Stavi. That's promo code STAVI. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank BlueChew for sponsoring the podcast. If you're anything like me and my pal Elders, you're chronically online. You're scrolling. You can't get that nose out of the phone. Just what's the next short form content I'm going to consume? Well, if you're chronically online like most of us are these days. Your wireless network should be too. Look at those videos no matter where you are. Cuz with Visible, you get unlimited 5G data and unlimited hotspot, all powered by Verizon's 5G network. The perks of big wireless for half the cost. Visible isn't just a wireless plan. It's unlimited wireless designed to keep you connected. Never miss a text. Never miss a nice little, you know, picture you might get from somebody you know. Visible won't let you down. Visible won't drop a nude, I'll tell you that much. You're getting it with their network. I don't know about the other guys. What I want you to do right now, switch it now. Switch [e-mail] plan start at 25 bucks a month or get their premium visible plus pro plan and save 10 bucks on your first month with promo code stav terms apply. See visible.com for plan features and network management details. Okay, what about the bet? What's the best? You know, we're a gourmand podcast. What's the best bite you had on your bro?

[Elders]

Okay.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Elders]

Okay. The concession game in movie theaters in Mexico really is. You can't say USA number one anymore. Well, after you've been to these, you

[Ari Shaffir]

can't say that for a lot of reasons anymore. China's just beating us overall. Mexico's got us in movie. Movie snacks.

[Elders]

Okay, first of all, you split the popcorn down the middle whenever you want. Just like a Garrett's popcorn corn, you know, so you can get two different flavors. What are the flavors? Obviously there's butter. Obviously, there's plain with salt. Obviously there's kettle corn. There's also Doritos. Cheetos. Doritos and Cheetos popcorn.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, my God, this is incredible.

[Elders]

Doritos flavored popcorn with crumbled up Dorito pieces in it. We're getting Cheetos.

[Ari Shaffir]

How are they beating us at snacks? That's the one thing America should have.

[Elders]

Dude, they care.

[Ari Shaffir]

That's what pissed me off about Ireland. Their spice bag. How did they come up with a better spice? Spice, you know, Spice bag. It's like a chicken tender. It's a Chinese chicken. It's like chicken tender spice in an incredible Szechuan way. With fries. And it's like. And like onions and shit. How the did the Irish beat us at a fried chicken and fries? That's crazy Chinese fusion.

[Caller/Listener]

It.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's. It. It literally hurt my. Any patriotism I had for America was really Dinged. When I found out the Irish did

[Elders]

a better if it was like the plain potato area. You like. Yeah. Okay. You got it. You guys beat on that.

[Ari Shaffir]

But I guess that's true. I guess. I guess I didn't think of it as potato first.

[Elders]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

You know what I mean? Like, I guess I didn't think of it as like. Okay, the Irish have a lot. They started with what they know and then they found Chinese people.

[Elders]

Dude, I was with a group who were high. We're watching that movie Weapons in Mex in Mexico. Yeah, it was called the hour of disappearance down there. Oh, that's much better title.

[Ari Shaffir]

That's a cool. Yeah, that's a. It's a. It sounds like a more prestigious movie.

[Elders]

The hour of Disappearance.

[Ari Shaffir]

I like Weapons for what it is. But that's cool. That is cool.

[Elders]

I don't know why they changed that. Weapons. They have a word for it in Spanish.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh yeah? What is it?

[Elders]

I don't know. But. So they have didn't come across. When I was in Israel and Groundhog Day came out.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. Oh, wow.

[Elders]

They did not have Groundhog Day, so that wouldn't be anything. They called it. I'll see you again tomorrow.

[Ari Shaffir]

Wow, that's crazy.

[Elders]

But weapons, you could do that.

[Ari Shaffir]

Anyway, when was this were your birthright? What did you do?

[Elders]

No, I used to live there when I was. When I was.

[Ari Shaffir]

Right, right, right, right, right. Damn, dude, you've had a hilarious life. I forgot about that. You were study. We talked about this on another one.

[Elders]

So then they go, do you want squizzles with that? And we're all like. We're like skittles. And the guy's like, no, squizzles. And then somebody in the group's like, what Squizzles? I'm like, bro, we're getting it.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Elders]

You'll find out when we eat it. Obviously we're gonna get squizzles.

[Guest/Contributor]

Yeah, yeah.

[Elders]

It's gummies that you put hot sauce on.

[Ari Shaffir]

Whoa, bro.

[Elders]

That was the first time I was like, you're gonna enjoy new moments here.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. So we're talking popcorn, Doritos. We're talking Squizzy Diesels. We're talking. Did they have any like traditional Mexican food? Like the way you get a hot dog here? Could you get a good taco there?

[Elders]

Baseball games. Get a hot dog. It's full plates of like. Of like playudas and moles and burritos. Little 12 year old girl serving beer.

[Ari Shaffir]

Awesome.

[Elders]

It was just so. It was so.

[Ari Shaffir]

I love.

[Elders]

And the full place Is going by who wants you know, with like the three sections. Yeah, yeah, they have those.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. Dude, that's awesome.

[Elders]

The Doritos locals will crack it up in front of you, pour all the in and just give it to you in the back bag.

[Ari Shaffir]

Awesome. Jesus Christ.

[Elders]

Yeah, it was.

[Ari Shaffir]

So the movie theaters in Mexico are out of control. What was your best like restaurant meal experience or give me best street food

[Elders]

and then also so from there. So that's the best probably in North America is Mexico okay food wise.

[Ari Shaffir]

Okay.

[Elders]

They care. Everything is like Mexico elevated Mexico city shore. But all over Mexico.

[Ari Shaffir]

All over Mexico. Okay.

[Elders]

And they. Each region they really celebrate their own. So like Oaxaca's mole. I don't really love it that much.

[Ari Shaffir]

I'm not really a mole guy either.

[Elders]

I tried every. Yeah, I went to the store source tried every type.

[Ari Shaffir]

I'll try it if. When I'm there just because I you know. You know I like to take. I take food very seriously. I know, I know.

[Elders]

But we went to this. This like whatever these cliffs with like canyon. And we went. We went. What's it called on this boat through these canyons and you see all this crazy. It's a wild stuff near Palenque. And as soon as you start they go well let's.

[Ari Shaffir]

So is it seafood if it's like.

[Elders]

Like. No, it's like a. It's like a two and a half hour boat ride back and they pick you up.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, okay. Sick. Sick.

[Elders]

But as soon as you start to go, well, let's go by the. The bar boat first. But this is like a national U. S. National park, but there. And they're like who wants michelados? And we're like yeah, that's awesome for the boat.

[Ari Shaffir]

Awesome.

[Elders]

We would never have that. You can't even bring booze with you, let alone.

[Ari Shaffir]

Some parks will have like little like concession areas. But yes, not in the same way. Like even in Amsterdam you go in like their little like, you know, go on Vondel park or whatever. Which is a big urban park or whatever. But it is not. I guess that's kind of more like Central park than what you're talking about. But I do. I love when a park has a little cuz what's. You go on a little hike and

[Elders]

then you and like take two. It's gonna be two hours. You should have beers for this. Like.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, yeah, dude. A michelada on a bar or the crackers.

[Elders]

So that's not official, but we have those guys that are like serving a purpose. You're sitting at Central Park Somebody comes with a cracker and you're like, yeah, whatever.

[Ari Shaffir]

Wait, what's this?

[Elders]

It's those little, little things that the. With vodka in it.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally illegal.

[Elders]

They're doing a service. They're not bugging them.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, there is nothing better than beautiful scenery and a. And like a little like my cousin for her wedding had. She had like, it was in Greece and she rented a boat.

[Elders]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

And it was like, you're on, you know, you're taking this boat through green. You know, through this, through an island. And they're taking you to a. They're taking you to a beach you cannot walk to. You have to. You have to take boat access to Nice. And you're seeing beautiful. You're, you know, you're jumping off into. You're swimming and they break and they grill and they have, you know, they make a pork chop lunch and right there with fresh salad and. And then the boat stops, you swim to the island and there it's. They stop right where the sun sets and you're sitting there with a beer and you're just. It's the best of all time, dude. Like, I love to combine the nature's splendor with just a little. Just whatever makes you happy.

[Elders]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Whatever thing you consume that makes you happy.

[Elders]

Get one J with you.

[Ari Shaffir]

A nice spliff where you're only a little high.

[Elders]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

And you're drinking a couple beers.

[Elders]

Blips are king down there. Splits are king. Where it just gets you a little high. We get to smoke something totally, totally dirt weed anyway.

[Ari Shaffir]

Of course.

[Elders]

So it's not going to bury you like here.

[Ari Shaffir]

Of course.

[Elders]

32% THC, dude. Give me a nice 11.

[Ari Shaffir]

I got some. I got some nice brain. I've. I've become very addicted to wheat again with. After breaking my arm and my back up.

[Elders]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

And I've been using weed, like paint and so I don't do pain. And. And I. It's kind of embarrassing, dude. I'm literally the guy who goes to the dispensary and I had like a 20 minute conversation about weed with the, with the woman who owns the dispenser. I love the dispensary. Is incredible. Mighty lucky. I. I'll just shout them out. They're great. Great. And I will literally just go and be like, no, is this. I was like, is this grown outside? Like I'm asking questions like that. It's up. They have. Dude, this. This much is so sick. They have a microscope where they show you the weed under a microscope and you see all the crystals and. And you sm. They'll let you smell it. I'm. I've become.

[Elders]

Welcome, brother. Welcome.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's. It's incredible. You should check if you're looking for like. And they have some great light weeds too, if you just want that kind of stuff.

[Caller/Listener]

Stuff.

[Ari Shaffir]

I'm a big fan.

[Elders]

That's when I started smoking weed la. I was like, hey, I used to smoke a cigarette while I wrote, right? And I'm like, I want to. I don't want to smoke cigarettes anymore, but if I smoke a joint, I'm done. Well, there she goes. Mexican weed. We have you.

[Ari Shaffir]

That's.

[Elders]

It's $5 an eighth.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh.

[Elders]

And you're like, okay, great.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, that's the joke.

[Elders]

This will barely get you buzzed.

[Ari Shaffir]

That's the joke.

[Elders]

That's what I'm looking for.

[Ari Shaffir]

Well, now I have to. What I have to do now is I need to go. I need to get my tolerance back down, down. So I've actually started back. I've stopped doing edibles.

[Elders]

Oh, yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

And I won. And I'm just trying to completely wean myself off so I can restart my relationship with weed in a much more healthy way. Where like now, like, dude, when.

[Elders]

I suppose you don't know how long

[Ari Shaffir]

it's gonna last, but like, like, dude, when this. When I first broke this, I was taking 200 milligrams a night just to pass.

[Elders]

200 a night.

[Ari Shaffir]

I got to the point where it was like, I did that twice. It was like I started it like, like 80. Then it was like, hm, I need a little more.

[Elders]

Wow.

[Ari Shaffir]

I need a little more. And every. Every day I was taking 10 milligrams more.

[Elders]

Half your listeners are like, five is

[Ari Shaffir]

enough for me, Dude. I know me. That used to be me too. What happened was on tour, I got so. Cuz I had been off we. I've been sober until we started the tour.

[Elders]

I know.

[Ari Shaffir]

And then, and then there's no way to be like, there's no way to sleep on tour, like on a bus sober, where you're like, I just performed for two.

[Elders]

He tried it. He fell out of his bunk.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, exactly.

[Elders]

Did he break his arm?

[Ari Shaffir]

Didn't he do something?

[Elders]

Bobby's so fat. I think it protected him all over. He's fat in a different way.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, he is. More evenly, you know, he's not even that fat. He's just a. A slight man.

[Elders]

He's a munchy chi.

[Ari Shaffir]

He's just a little guy. Yeah, that's the thing. It's like, I think I don't understand why Bobby's identity should not slowed it down. He should have bounced.

[Elders]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

But yeah. And so I started again, and I got too overzealous with it. And one night I took those, you know, tincture. The tinctures.

[Elders]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

There's no way to accurately measure that. And I. Dude, I literally like, like, did like. And then I looked at it, and it was like each one of those was 7 milligrams, right? And I did like, you know, off the rip. I did like, like seven of them.

[Elders]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

And I had already taken a different edible and we were smoking weed, and so I just woke. I was high the whole day. I was high for like 36 hours.

[Elders]

I love those.

[Ari Shaffir]

It was awesome. But after that, my. My tolerance was like, you have to do 50 just to get it going.

[Elders]

Just people that carry. Carry around torches and you're like, dude, you've lost it. If you got to carry around these rigs and with a welding mask to be able to smoke weed. And it's like, this isn't working for you.

[Ari Shaffir]

I know know that. That. That's. I was like, I can't start doing dabs now. That's what. That's actually what I need. I need to do track version of.

[Elders]

Of weed. Those people all think they're normal. They just bring it out and like, bro, bro, no. Yeah. It's like talking to a porn star. She just casually talking about squirting or Madam McDonald's like, Buddy, get it. It's fine. Not here.

[Ari Shaffir]

I like this. Yeah, exactly.

[Elders]

It's like, let's children around.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.

[Elders]

What's the furthest you've scored it? Like, dude, dude, I get it. Let's talk in private. This.

[Ari Shaffir]

This is an Adam 22. Don't talk about that, man. We're in public. But, you know, no disrespect. We do. We're very pro ho here. And we would love to have those conversations in private gals, but, you know.

[Elders]

Yeah, dude, Peru probably had the best in South America food. It was the most varied ceviche they have. So their ceviche Ecuadorians of each other a little different, but proven is great.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, provincial chicken. Do you get like, the rota? Is that a real thing there? Is that an American like?

[Elders]

Yep. And they also have guinea pig, which is the best. No, it's the best.

[Ari Shaffir]

Guinea pig is good.

[Elders]

It's so good, bro. It's a delicacy. People like. I mean, you can't have it for graduation. You have it, but nothing like, you know. Ryan o'. Neill.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yes.

[Elders]

Comic. So he came. He was like, I want to go to Machu Picchu. I was like, I'll let you know. I'm close. So he came. We did it.

[Ari Shaffir]

Awesome.

[Elders]

And I was like, you want to try guinea pig? I'm telling. I have a sandwich that I've been trying to get people to eat that they won't. It's. It's on a bagel, everything or other. Not cinnamon raisin, peanut butter, and then hard salami. People like, it's gross. I won't try it. I'm like, it's fine. I love it. One or two people in my 15 years at the comic store try it, and they're like, oh, this is awesome.

[Ari Shaffir]

I'll try it.

[Elders]

So if you're willing to try something. And he was.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. I also think that that actually makes sense to me because we're talking about. About the richness of the peanut butter, the sweetness of the jelly, and like a salt. Like salt and sweet is a classic thing. And the peanut butter kind of cuts both of them right. So I could see that really working, actually, depending on which type of salami you get.

[Elders]

Yeah, yeah. It's the hard. It's the send your salami to your son in the army.

[Ari Shaffir]

Right.

[Elders]

But, like, let it. Let it get.

[Ari Shaffir]

So you're really. You're really using that as salt more than anything. It doesn't really taste like meat at that point. It's really the salt content. I would. And the fattiness of it, too.

[Elders]

I.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yes. And if you have a. If you have a thick enough.

[Elders]

I'm gonna make you on your mind.

[Ari Shaffir]

If you have a thick enough bread, that would look. Be really good. You know what? That'd be good on a biali.

[Elders]

Ooh, interesting. With the onion taste right there in the middle.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that would add a little.

[Elders]

The.

[Ari Shaffir]

The softness of it and then a little onion just to kind of. Just to kind of kick that up and see just in the middle. That's the beauty of the biali. It's not everywhere. You just get one bite of the onion and adds a little weirdness to it. An already interesting sandwich.

[Elders]

Bial is the only type of bagel you eat with intention. Regular bagels eat whatever order B. How much in the middle should I save? Should go right to it should be every bite a little onion.

[Ari Shaffir]

I love a B. Is that. Was that the proto bagel? Where the. What happened with the biali?

[Elders]

I don't Know what happened?

[Ari Shaffir]

We need to do a full. We need. You know, we need. We need, like, a baker on here. We need to do a culinary episode every month. Eldis.

[Elders]

I want a real history.

[Ari Shaffir]

I want a. I want. Yeah, I want.

[Elders]

When did kale stop being a. A plate for food at the Pizza Hut?

[Ari Shaffir]

24.

[Elders]

Remember the Pizza salad? Kale was just in between.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yes, yes. I know it's crazy. And I'm going to say 2004, 2005 is when it started. And by 2009, it was all 2010. It was all over the place.

[Elders]

You think that's like big Kale going, like, we got to make a push.

[Ari Shaffir]

Absolutely. It was. Some guy was like, what if we. That's. I mean, it's all marketing. It's like Stanley cups were nothing, and then some guy marketed them that way. So it's like. And I think somebody understood how. How to. Doesn't Andy Haynes have a great kale about this? About Kale's agent? Like, Kale got a great agent? Yeah, I think so. See if you can find that bit. Maybe we'll put it on here for some free promo for Andy.

[Guest/Contributor]

I'm saying. I'm saying the transformation began when a marketing agency named Padilla CRT was hired by American Produce Board.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, the produce board hired a marketing. They hired Don Draper basically to rebrand

[Guest/Contributor]

kale as a nutrient condensed superfood.

[Ari Shaffir]

What if we told gay guys this would make them hot if they ate it?

[Guest/Contributor]

A list celebrities like Gwyneth Paltrow, Beyonce and Michelle Obama.

[Ari Shaffir]

Exactly who you want for them. Yeah.

[Elders]

This is like. Yeah. What's their version of making Snoop wear Alexander Julianne colors? Shirt on?

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Elders]

Like, just put it on.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, just wear it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, interesting. All right, so Peru had the best stuff. So did they have Peruvian chicken there, or is that an American.

[Elders]

No, they did.

[Ari Shaffir]

Okay.

[Guest/Contributor]

Yeah.

[Elders]

And then they had also. So cow hearts. Anticucho. I like grilled cow hearts.

[Ari Shaffir]

Heart is good. Heart and tongue. Heart, tongue. And what is head is good? Like, it's good. That shit's good. Cabeza, Cabeza. I need a little cabeza.

[Elders]

Yeah. They had the most different kind of

[Ari Shaffir]

stuff in both ways, by the way.

[Elders]

And the fresh fruit. GMOs are illegal in Peru.

[Ari Shaffir]

Love that.

[Elders]

They're like, why everything grows here.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Elders]

What are we doing that way? Yeah, yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

The vegetables must have tasted so much better. Oh, the fruit here.

[Elders]

The fruits are like. You eat a fruit that. I mean, I wonder if it's like this in Greece, some of it's kind of barren.

[Ari Shaffir]

No, no, the fruits are.

[Elders]

And you taste it, you're like, oh, this is like the candy version of the fruit.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's incredible.

[Elders]

When they have a Jolly Rancher flavor of something and you're like a fig

[Ari Shaffir]

in Greece is like.

[Elders]

So pick it right off.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So good, dude. So incredible. Some grapes, some cherries and dude, you

[Elders]

should go to the island you told. Well, I. In central Durham when you told me where to go.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Elders]

I actually don't want to say these things out.

[Ari Shaffir]

We don't have to say that. We can gatekeep it a little longer.

[Elders]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

In fact, let's gatekeep it until we like. Because we've. We've also thought. This is also my disease of trying to make everything work.

[Elders]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

But like, I want to go on like my own vacation. Vacation. But then how nice would it be to fly everybody out and like we do a little travel doc. We do a couple podcast episodes and then the whole team gets basically a vacation. We work for a week.

[Elders]

And let me tell you something, you might want to.

[Caller/Listener]

No.

[Elders]

That whole thing is tax deductible.

[Ari Shaffir]

Exactly. Thank you.

[Elders]

Little.

[Ari Shaffir]

I like how your video. You have to make it smaller to be anti Semitic.

[Elders]

You.

[Ari Shaffir]

You squeezed it. Sque it down.

[Elders]

Still out pretty far.

[Ari Shaffir]

Still pretty far, bro.

[Elders]

It's pretty far.

[Ari Shaffir]

Pretty far.

[Elders]

Pretty far.

[Ari Shaffir]

I love that.

[Guest/Contributor]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

My tax attorney, Ari Shaffir this. I love the travel. We. That Hopefully. I doubt it, but hopefully Elders has some travel questions queued up. There's probably no way on earth, dude.

[Elders]

I. But I do when I do my travel podcast. You'd be tripping. I'll bleep out names of places.

[Ari Shaffir]

Smart.

[Elders]

I don't want to have any part in making a line around the block of America. Right, right.

[Ari Shaffir]

That is. That. That is the catch 22. Because it's like. Especially like some food bloggers, they'll. Sometimes it's great to give restaurants like some pub. But it's like, yeah, they're doing fine. Yeah.

[Elders]

They're not about to go out of business. That's a different story.

[Ari Shaffir]

Right, right, right.

[Elders]

They're doing fine.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's so weird when everyone. No. Has any business ever been saved when they're like, we're going out of business. We need help.

[Guest/Contributor]

Help.

[Ari Shaffir]

It never happens. It's just. What happens is people just eat there a lot for two months and then it goes out of business.

[Elders]

The dog Cafe near my. Near my place. We all really. It was like. It was a gem in the. In the Neighborhood in the East Village. And we're like, that sucks. And you could go there. Before I had a dog, I would go there, drink some coffee, and play with dogs. Fill my heart. Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Elders]

And when they were going out of business, I was, like, saddened by it, and I really tried to help. Back in business for three months. And then they sold.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Elders]

They're like, well, we actually can't. We need someone else to operate this.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. It's just un untenable sometimes. But why don't we take all the wisdom already received from the South American continent and poured into our.

[Elders]

Our listeners, Answer some questions.

[Ari Shaffir]

Absolutely. Hopefully.

[Elders]

But you would have loved this trip. You would have loved being on it if you could get away from, like, you're. You're skyrocketing, so it's tough. I'm where I am, so, like, it's easier for me.

[Ari Shaffir]

We're gonna level off.

[Elders]

Don't worry.

[Ari Shaffir]

Very soon.

[Elders]

Once you level off, though, then it's like, now's the time to totally.

[Ari Shaffir]

No, I know. It's fun, dude. It's this funny thing where I'm like, everything I get. I'm the most surprised. I'm the most surprised person. Every time I get, I'm like, what? It's got to this weird place where it's like, you see, sound like a lunatic. Because I'm just like. I'm actively rooting against my own career.

[Elders]

I'm like, please, give me some time.

[Ari Shaffir]

This. This Avatar movie. I was like, I blew the audition. I'm not gonna get it. I was like. I was like, oh, it was cool to. You know, I got to the. You know, I actually auditioned with the guys that was cool. I met them. No big deal. Feel maybe something in the future. And then when I got. I was happy. And then I was like, I. What I wanted was to do a really good job at the audition and not get it. You know what I mean?

[Elders]

Right, right, right.

[Ari Shaffir]

So they don't hate you, but they don't hate me. They just got. They just really wanted some other fat guy. You know what I mean?

[Elders]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

I was like, God, come on. I'm, like, trying to be like, guys, don't you want someone with a Southern accent to play this part?

[Elders]

And then it's on weight loss.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Elders]

Like, oh, don't do that.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, literally, I did. I did have a. You know what? That's perfect. Let's. Let's take a. Let's take a call, Elders. You know, I'm a busy man. I'm an on the go fella. I'm busy. Time is money, I often say and I hate waiting around when I want something to get done. You know, sometimes I've hired contractors, come in and do a job and not only do I have to wait around, but the premium priced pro sometimes causes

[Caller/Listener]

more of a problem.

[Guest/Contributor]

Problem.

[Ari Shaffir]

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[Caller/Listener]

I left out some important info, but my name is Dawn. I've been seeing this girl for the past month with the biggest, heaviest, softest natural tits I've ever personally.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, give him a try. Thank you.

[Caller/Listener]

All set on a very tiny wish. So I am head over here feels physically for this woman as well as physically. First, she is very nice.

[Elders]

Also awesome. I guess I should mention she's cool.

[Ari Shaffir]

He one of the most impassioned descriptions of her. And the little, the little waist is the part I'm like, all right, man, she has huge we don't have to know. She has a little by the way, these aren't fat. That's him being like, she ain't fat.

[Elders]

By the way boys, I know what you're thinking. Body.

[Ari Shaffir]

And by the way, nothing wrong with that. A nice big pair of fat titties.

[Elders]

Good honkers.

[Ari Shaffir]

Anyway, I love that as well as emotional. And then the first thing he says is she's very nice but let's fit it. Let's. Let's at least give him a chance to eloquently describe what he likes about her.

[Caller/Listener]

Anyways, so I am head over heels physically for this woman as well as emotionally. She is very nice, treats me very, very well. Or so I thought.

[Ari Shaffir]

Pause. Oh, nice and treats me well. Nothing about her personality. Not, not like she's an artist. I'm really interested in that. Not she's an inquisitive person. He's just like, yeah, she has manners and she's not rude to me and her tits are bigger than my head. So I love her.

[Caller/Listener]

So I love her.

[Ari Shaffir]

Anyway, let's.

[Elders]

Whenever you have somebody that like they. He treats me well. And it's like that. Who have you dated?

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, that's the thing. That's the baseline.

[Elders]

Of course, they all should.

[Ari Shaffir]

Everyone should treat you well and be nice to you. That's like getting into college. You can still fail. It's like. Anyway, go ahead. Go ahead, Elders.

[Caller/Listener]

So like I said, I've been seeing her for a month, and just the other day, she shows up at the gym I work at with her husband and two kids. Yeah, both of our Surprise. We locked eyes. I didn't say anything. I did not reveal anything.

[Ari Shaffir]

Wow.

[Caller/Listener]

Good. But we. We both knew we saw each other. The husband is probably like 6 5. Probably like 260.

[Elders]

Can you pause for a second?

[Caller/Listener]

It.

[Elders]

This guy is a great storyteller.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Elders]

He's revealing things as it went. He doesn't it up saying, like, hey, my girlfriend was. Was. Was a married man. It was like, you. You let. It's.

[Ari Shaffir]

This is a nice call. He. He lets us make fun of him for certain things. Now we're back on his side.

[Elders]

Just you wait. Back on his side.

[Ari Shaffir]

He's been abused y.

[Caller/Listener]

Of just pure muscle and rage from what it seems. Hi. Don't get me wrong. I'm mildly fit myself, but a little Filipino guy. I'm five. Five. Little funny fella.

[Ari Shaffir]

That's awesome to call yourself a little tiny fella. He's got a pretty deep voice. I wouldn't have thought.

[Elders]

Filipino.

[Ari Shaffir]

Five. Five. Filipino. He does not sound like.

[Elders]

Not sound like Filipino at all.

[Ari Shaffir]

Which was. Which probably would happen is like, how many kids did we know growing up that were little as fuck? And that had to like. It was like, you ever meet those kids that faked a deep voice until it stuck? Like, I swear to God, I knew kids growing up that just like, hey, man, how's it going? It was kind of like how trans people change their voices. Like, those guys. There are guys who are, like, femininely voiced that voice trained to sound more masculine. I know guys who have such deep voices that are unnatural, and then they just stuck. I bet you that's what this guy did. Anyway.

[Elders]

It must suck growing up that height to where I was like, I have to overcome this all the time to show people I'm not to be with.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, yeah.

[Elders]

Like, Greg Fitzsimmons is tiny. He's like, yeah. Every nine months or so, I punch somebody who says the wrong thing.

[Ari Shaffir]

Dude, I was. It's. I'm bl. One of my biggest blessings has been, like, ignorance. I swear, I thought I was, like, tall my whole Life, like, until I was like in my mid-20s, I was like, I'm tall. And I didn't. And I thought, like, I didn't know I was poor until, like, I got to college. Like, I'm so happy that stuff that, like, has created, like, it's. It's the. It's insane. What, like, what people latches on into people's heads. Because I had no. I mean, fat was such a big deal. Like, it was more eating stuff for me. I was self conscious about being fat, never considered being short, didn't care at all. And I didn't know I was poor. But anyway, let's finish this guy's story. This is a riveting story.

[Caller/Listener]

I feel as if I should tell this guy.

[Elders]

No, no.

[Caller/Listener]

His wife why. Is cheating on him and has been for a month.

[Ari Shaffir]

How many times did you help?

[Caller/Listener]

But at the same time, I feel as if he's not going to see that from my point of view. He might just kill me also.

[Elders]

Why would you.

[Caller/Listener]

I had a bit of an impasse. I feel.

[Ari Shaffir]

He's gonna turn your ass into banana ketchup, my boy. You're gonna be lumpia when this motherfucker's done with you.

[Elders]

You listen. He's only got any sort of allegiance to the chick.

[Ari Shaffir]

Of course.

[Elders]

He just found that dude existed. So there's no, like, listen, if you're boning somebody, you find out she's dating a friend of yours, you're in a quandry, like, oh. Or even a casual, like an acquaintance, you know, if it's like, wait, you're Phil Hanley's girlfriend? You know, I mean, something like that.

[Ari Shaffir]

That would be brutal. Yeah, absolutely. But first of all, in no world do the girls that Phil dates, either one of us. Phil's good former literal Runway model and one of the funniest, sharpest guys in the world. Phil Hanley gets much better than we ever. I even feel bad saying because Phil. The women Phil's dates are so refined and beautiful that it's like we could

[Elders]

never even get him at the park sometimes. And I'm like, hey, Phil, watch out. The girl's trying to get. No, that's my lady. Like, oh, I couldn't even assume they would.

[Ari Shaffir]

I thought Vogue was doing a photo shoot in the park.

[Elders]

Dude, we're on the run way anyway.

[Ari Shaffir]

Anyway. Hilarious. Why don't we. I don't know, let's. Let's think of a more someone who

[Elders]

you would a bit know.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's not possible that we could. Brendan Sagal.

[Elders]

Brendan Sagalo. Brendan Sagalo is perfect.

[Ari Shaffir]

I would feel really bad if I. If I accidentally. No disrespect to Brendan.

[Elders]

I'm friends with Brendan. So that would be like. To say this. You don't know this guy at all. So the girl is. This girl you, like, you find out as. As a husband has been cheating on him, and then you're like, that's just between you and her.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Elders]

And you're like, well, you want to keep doing this? Or. I'm not comfortable with it, but it's on you.

[Ari Shaffir]

I'm not totally for what's happened. Is there any more elders. Hold on.

[Elders]

Let's.

[Ari Shaffir]

Let's finish it. Because I do. I. I agree with you, but. Yeah.

[Elders]

Jerked off in his teeth.

[Caller/Listener]

If you guys could just give me some advice, I'd really appreciate it. She has not given me any explanation. She's just kind of ghosting me. But I feel very bad for this guy.

[Ari Shaffir]

Relax.

[Caller/Listener]

I feel like I need to let him know.

[Ari Shaffir]

You don't.

[Elders]

Oh, that's girl.

[Caller/Listener]

Morally, I feel like I need to let him know, but also, I'm terrified.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Caller/Listener]

I. I think he could murder me.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yes.

[Caller/Listener]

With one hand.

[Ari Shaffir]

He is a foot taller than my head like that. And he's jacked.

[Caller/Listener]

I'm not sure. So. Thanks. Just. Thank you.

[Elders]

Yeah. This is morals. What the are you talking about? You're having premarital sex. What? Just morals now. About marriage.

[Ari Shaffir]

That's a good point. We. Why. I mean, I guess the people. I mean, I get it, right? I get how some people have a hard stance on cheating. This is probably a person that never would have. Look, this is a person who never would have. Some people just have different opinions on infidelity. Whatever. It's fine. You talk. You know, it is funny to talk to your gay friends. To them, like, cheating isn't even a concept that exists. Really. You know what I mean? Like, big city. Big city gay guys are like, sex is like, not even the most important thing. Like, it is a very.

[Elders]

My buddy, they asked him, Justin Martindale. He was dating this. This attractive guy, but he's. He was especially back then, hot. Weho hot. And. And his boyfriend was like, can you just. Like, he was trying to get him not cheat. Wasn't gonna. Can you just not give me aids? And then Justin was. I mean, I'm. I'm not trying to get aids, but I can't make you that promise.

[Ari Shaffir]

That's awesome. Shout out to prep.

[Elders]

Different game now.

[Ari Shaffir]

Anyway, so look, you're a person who. Who is. Look We.

[Guest/Contributor]

We.

[Ari Shaffir]

We joke, obviously. I don't. We're not very. The people on this podcast right now are not religious. One of us escaped a hilarious cult. The other one just kind of like, was never that religious. Yeah, it was never that. You know, was never that. I was talking about you. I was talking about you escaping a cult.

[Elders]

I know. And you made a movie.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. My story is based on Ari. Let's Start a Cult is about Ari leaving Orthodox Judaism.

[Elders]

Where were you? A synagogue. I had diarrhea. I was out there actually listening to you guys praying for a while. I was it up.

[Ari Shaffir]

So we're not very religious people here, and me and Ari in general probably are more on the scumbag side things. But I understand if you're a person who this. This feels like a real moral red line for. But you did not know. You also. You could argue that you also have been, like, a victim.

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

In a weird way, sort of a victim of the situation where you went against your moral. Now, look, maybe the guilt of this guy's feeling is that if this girl with this types of. These type of tits was like, hey, I want to fuck you so bad, but I'm married. Maybe in the back of his head,

[Elders]

he would have anyway.

[Ari Shaffir]

He thinks he would have anyway. And this is his weird way to, like, absolve himself. Like, I didn't know. And now. And I've done everything right. Right. I think it just. And look, maybe it would be a little different if her husband was, you know, Stephen Hawking. You know what I mean?

[Elders]

Like, it was like, I felt really bad for him.

[Ari Shaffir]

Or like.

[Elders]

Or.

[Ari Shaffir]

Or either you felt bad for him or you. You weren't afraid he would kill you.

[Elders]

Right?

[Ari Shaffir]

Because even a little guy might have a gun.

[Elders]

But I would say, even if it's Stephen Hawking, like, don't tell him. That's not your place. I think this lady's a cheater.

[Ari Shaffir]

I.

[Elders]

And you ain't the first one.

[Ari Shaffir]

She took advantage of you as well, it sounds like. You sound like the kind of person who wouldn't have done this, tell the off and just. She ghosted you. You ghost her.

[Elders]

Couldn't even tell her off.

[Ari Shaffir]

You forget. You just forget this happened. You got, you know, a month. No disrespect to you. If.

[Elders]

If the.

[Ari Shaffir]

How many times? When he says they were dating for a month. What does that even mean?

[Elders]

What does that mean? Every day. Yeah. Twice. Go out once. That, have sex once. Then one more time.

[Caller/Listener]

Six kids.

[Ari Shaffir]

There's no way it's more than Once a week. Right. She has a whole family. You're probably not. You're not. It's not one of those month relationships where you see each other every other day where you both have nothing to do and whatever.

[Elders]

Treated me nice.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. And you also couldn't. You didn't tell us one thing about her. Really, like kids.

[Elders]

Not to downplay the tits.

[Ari Shaffir]

No, no. Listen. Why get it? Sometimes you're in a tits fog.

[Elders]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

And it takes years for it to lift. If sometimes it never really. Some of the best relationships, I think, are when people are so attracted to their partner for certain things. Things that it just kind of. It just kind of puts them in soft focus. It's like the way. It's like the way they used to shoot Barbara Walters where they didn't want to see her fit. You know what I mean? Like, it's like you see the best for you. You want to like, if I do think attraction and sexual chemistry and like there's. There's real things that I think do help a relationship. But in this situation, you're fine. This sucks. And you shouldn't put yourself in further danger. Especially when you're like the.

[Elders]

The guy so much the situation you don't understand.

[Ari Shaffir]

You don't know anything about it. Do they have a weird open thing?

[Elders]

Yeah. What if he's been like abusing her mentally or whatever? So you don't know. It's just like if this is her way, I don't know, maybe she's having a midlife crisis and she'll get back to it and then be fine.

[Ari Shaffir]

It also is really funny that her husband is six five and jacked. He's a five five little Filipino guy. Take that as a win for the. For your community. For our community. I bet your dick is small. No disrespect.

[Elders]

Yeah. What if she's like, I want to not hurt for once? I want to ask, is it in yet?

[Ari Shaffir]

My huge husband's draws me nothing but pain. I want a little. I want to shop in the petite section.

[Elders]

I liked it when I saw it, but every day, yeah, it's more of a.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's more visual than actual, you know, than use. So anyway, dude, I say don't do. I think it's more trouble than it's worth. It'd be one thing like you said, if you knew the person or whatever,

[Elders]

but you know, now here's a question for the guy, for us about the guy when this lady un Ghosts him in maybe two more weeks, that, hey, is he going to allow her to talk him into doing it again.

[Ari Shaffir]

You can't. You got to stay completely. You gotta watch because if you. If you re. Engage now.

[Elders]

Now you're cheating.

[Ari Shaffir]

Now you are. Now you're a participant in a thing you don't want to be. And listen again.

[Elders]

It's Philip Morris before the research and after the research.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, yeah.

[Elders]

They didn't do anything wrong before, right?

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah yeah yeah.

[Elders]

They thought it opened up your Q zone.

[Ari Shaffir]

Right, right right right right right right. Philip Moore, Lucky Strikes opens up your chakras. What if they just got spiritual now?

[Elders]

It's like, oh, also a lot of cancer carry that.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, don't worry about that. Anyway, good luck, my little friend.

[Elders]

Good luck.

[Ari Shaffir]

Enjoy those fat kids.

[Elders]

Maybe try to get a tip. Pick one. One last tip.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's over.

[Elders]

It's over.

[Ari Shaffir]

You got to keep it moving. It's over. Don't save them. That's.

[Elders]

Don't even save them.

[Ari Shaffir]

You got to delete the tidbits.

[Elders]

Yeah, I guess you can't keep.

[Ari Shaffir]

You can't keep news of some. Someone you don't date anymore unless they're cool with it.

[Elders]

Unless they're cool with it because it's.

[Ari Shaffir]

Then it's a. It's just weird, man. It's like people jagging off to a relationship from, like, 10 years ago. First of all, it's pathetic.

[Elders]

And you're not even that guy anymore.

[Ari Shaffir]

You're not that guy. She's not that girl. And also, she would be pit. Like, it's a light form of sexual assault if we're being honest. Like, it really is.

[Elders]

If someone had a picture of me with my balls not at my knees, I'd be like, how? You can't have those anymore. Those don't exist anymore. If I can't see them, you can't.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, man, I bet that sack is drooping like crazy.

[Elders]

Seven months pounding up and down, just lengthening.

[Ari Shaffir]

What the holy. Oh, what the hell? Oh, my God. It's time to keep it. That's right. Keep it twisted. There it is, baby. Oh, yeah, Ari. I was just doing it as set dressing. How delicious is that?

[Elders]

It's actually really bad.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's all there.

[Caller/Listener]

You actually. Let me get a sip.

[Elders]

Dude, twist.

[Ari Shaffir]

I haven't drank. I don't know if we're allowed to

[Elders]

do this, but

[Ari Shaffir]

that's so good.

[Elders]

Oh, it's hard.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, my God. Dude, twisted tea is awesome. I'll. It's time for the twisted ass.

[Elders]

I First drink I've had with you in five years. That's crazy. That's crazy.

[Ari Shaffir]

All thanks to good folks at Twisted. See what Twisted Team does? It brings friends together. That's right.

[Caller/Listener]

Ah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Wow. The Twisted zone. So close to the 4th of July when I want to jump in the pool and slurp down these delicious 5% by volume, brewed with real iced tea delights.

[Guest/Contributor]

Wow.

[Ari Shaffir]

This makes me want to eat a hot dog. As the 4th of July is coming near. I can't wait to drink these on the 4th of July. These will go down smooth on the 4th of July like they always do, but they'll be extra smooth on the 4th of July.

[Caller/Listener]

Mmm.

[Ari Shaffir]

I can't wait to wash down a couple glycerinos with the Twisted Tea party pack. Yeah, I'm gonna be drinking the rocket Pop, which is only available in the party pack. And I'm gonna be doing it on the 4th of July. 5% per volume. Just right. Right.

[Guest/Contributor]

Mmm.

[Ari Shaffir]

Twisted Tea is good. And also brewed with real iced tea. Keep it twisted. What's the fucked up question? F of the ass. Weak elders, dude, when you get to

[Elders]

Brazil, they have alcoholic versions of this.

[Ari Shaffir]

Hell yeah. And that's. Everybody knows that's natural. Twisted Tea. Put it. Put it. When he's doing that, make him hold up a can. Actually just put. Put a. Digitally put a can of Twisted Tea over that. What do we got? LD here. Put that on the.

[Caller/Listener]

Hello, Savi and esteemed guest. Been a bit of a pickle here.

[Elders]

I love pickles.

[Caller/Listener]

It's a family situation. So basically, my grandma is under the impression that Keanu Reeves is reaching out to her via Facebook and a romantic relationship. No. And for a long time, my family and I thought this, you know, this would pass. It's just a funny joke. We've explained to her, you know, it's not real. It's somebody looking to support money from you. And, you know, she's just fully convinced that it's the real Keanu Reeves. Well, recently she went out with my

[Ari Shaffir]

aunt, and Keanu Reeves was there, and they started kissing.

[Elders]

Please tell me Keanu Reeves showed up. No, please, please.

[Caller/Listener]

And they had lunch, and my grandma confessed that she's considering leaving my grandpa and leaving their marriage of 50 plus years for this Keanu Reeves impersonator.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, my God.

[Caller/Listener]

And it kind of blew up the family. And we are.

[Ari Shaffir]

Some fucking guy in India is killing this family.

[Elders]

Of all the people to pick to

[Ari Shaffir]

catfish, a Nigerian guy is like, yeah, I'm destroying a family in Ohio right now.

[Elders]

Wow.

[Ari Shaffir]

Keep going.

[Caller/Listener]

Elders, we are working on an intervention where we basically take my grandma's phone without her knowing and wiping her. Her phone and her Facebook account so that she doesn't have access to this person anymore. So I think the real moral dilemma here is do we tell my grandpa that this is going down because he's under the impression that they are at the best place in their marriage that they can.

[Ari Shaffir]

That's a big problem. Pause this. Your grandfather hasn't figured out that his wife is in an emotional affair with an AI chatbot. He's not by way the. The way he. His hands aren't clean here either.

[Elders]

Yeah, you.

[Ari Shaffir]

You're not a good husband. If your wife can fall for this. Like if she was having a good time with him, like that's the thing. I'm.

[Elders]

If Keanu Reeves came, somebody who's in a great relationship, they'd be like, oh my God, I'm flatter, but 100% no committed to my 50 year marriage.

[Ari Shaffir]

And then look, I bet, I bet they didn't have who knows how old.

[Elders]

70.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, she's 70.

[Elders]

70.

[Ari Shaffir]

Minimum. Min. Minimum.

[Elders]

So I'm gonna get broken open by Matrix.

[Ari Shaffir]

If you're a seven year old lady. Keanu's like what, 50? He's so hot. Still.

[Elders]

I mean, go for it.

[Ari Shaffir]

He's probably.

[Elders]

Go for that.

[Ari Shaffir]

How old is Keanu Reeves? Eldest? I'm gonna say 61.

[Guest/Contributor]

He's 61.

[Ari Shaffir]

Wow. Nailed it. 61 and 70 is not bad. Honestly, if you're a 75 year old woman, Keanu Reeves might be the guy. Honestly, No, I would. Antonio Ban. Antonio Bander's number one ab. Keanu Reeves number two. I think.

[Elders]

I mean it's kind of like Adrian Po. Appropriate total.

[Ari Shaffir]

It kind of is.

[Elders]

Yeah. It's not. It's not the dune guy.

[Ari Shaffir]

And this is, this is the f. This is another. This is a clear example of the difference between men and women where it's like to catfish old women, you need a hot 62 year old guy. To catfish old men, you need like a. A. A clearly AI 19 year old Japanese maid with double GT size triple Q's

[Elders]

and a waist of 21. Whoa. Actually loves me. What did you just find out? A post I made six years ago.

[Ari Shaffir]

Everybody gather around. I'll. I'll be leaving your grandmother from Michiko. I'll be moving. I'll be moving over to another Orient dude.

[Elders]

We knew a guy who fell for his brother. Fell for the Nigerian scam.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh no.

[Elders]

And he. Before we figured out what happened, he was getting to be a real dick

[Ari Shaffir]

to everybody because he thought he was about to be rich.

[Elders]

Yeah. He goes, you guys are going to come to me. I'm the man of this household. You guys are all just a jerk. And then when he found out what it was, it was like, dude, not only do you have the money, you were such a about it.

[Ari Shaffir]

So funny.

[Elders]

It was so great.

[Ari Shaffir]

Must have felt so good to on him afterwards. Okay, so let's finish this the opposite.

[Elders]

We got Eddie Bravo once. We got him in a fake scratcher for 10,000.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, I love those. That's such a rude, mean.

[Elders]

Yeah. And we all. Oh, I didn't. I didn't win. And he was like, oh, and that's

[Ari Shaffir]

the guy who, like, thinks like 911 was caused by aliens or something. Like, he's like a conspiracy theorist.

[Elders]

He's a fun. Like, like the. The. Those long trails, chem trails, all that.

[Ari Shaffir]

He's like a really old school before qanon old school. The.

[Elders]

Everything's up and he won.

[Ari Shaffir]

Just an insane person, to be clear.

[Elders]

But yeah, as soon as he and outside the box thinker for jiu jitsu instruction. And as soon as you won, he goes, oh, my God, you're getting a grant. You're getting a grant. You're getting. And we're like, ah, wow, this is the best. Not being a dick at all.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, me and my friends are going to have an awesome party.

[Elders]

This is going to be a really bad reveal. This is going to be a really bad reveal. Oh, Eddie Bravo rules so hard. He's such a nice guy.

[Ari Shaffir]

That's awesome, dude. I mean, look, an insane nice person is one of the best.

[Elders]

He let me train for free for years when I need when I was broke.

[Ari Shaffir]

That's so cool. That's so cool. Yeah, I miss the days where MMA conspiracy theorists just like, we're your fun friend. You know what I mean? All right, hit us. Let's get the.

[Elders]

For your fun friend. Yeah, the birds aren't real. Those are my favorites. All right, let's go.

[Ari Shaffir]

Great. Dude, that's awesome. And those are conversations that should be happening at. With your friends at a bar. And it's like, unfortunately, due to podcasting, we're. We're all. It's kind of our fault that those guys now have the most power in the world somehow. Like, truly, that is kind of what's happened. But anyway, we're just dumb.

[Elders]

This should be bar talk.

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah, it should be.

[Ari Shaffir]

And awesome fun bar. And even, like, even if, like. Yeah.

[Elders]

Anyway, we had a friend, Jason Lucas when we started door guy with us at time the same Store he would throw out the dumbest. And if we all go. What are you talking about? Well, this is how I found out it's not true.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. And it was such a good value, guys.

[Guest/Contributor]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

I rely on you guys.

[Elders]

That's very funny. He's not on the record for anything. It's clearly your reaction shows that I'm not right. Let's move on. Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. That's awesome.

[Elders]

All right.

[Ari Shaffir]

What else did you have? Let's finish her up at the best

[Caller/Listener]

place in their marriage that they've ever been.

[Ari Shaffir]

Hilarious.

[Elders]

So do we.

[Caller/Listener]

Do we ruin that by letting him know, or do we just try to handle the situation, delete her Facebook, and so she doesn't have the opportunity to destroy their marriage.

[Elders]

Okay, this is an interesting.

[Caller/Listener]

Let me know. Okay, thank you. Bye.

[Elders]

Yeah, because she is senile or falling for stuff, that she can fall for this again, maybe not romantically.

[Ari Shaffir]

Well, I would.

[Elders]

You do have to worry about it.

[Ari Shaffir]

You do. You definitely do. And I also think, like, if this guy has his. First of all, has. Have we been monitoring her accounts? Like, this guy. This. There is a reason he's doing this, right?

[Guest/Contributor]

She. She didn't say outright that he's, like, you know, getting money from her, but

[Elders]

is he getting nudes?

[Ari Shaffir]

Probably.

[Elders]

That would be a twist.

[Ari Shaffir]

I don't think so. I think that makes a lot of sense.

[Elders]

Hope not.

[Ari Shaffir]

I hope. You know what I hope? I hope she's elite. I hope if her grandma's getting anything, she's playing with that dusty old clip for one more time. It doesn't sound like her and her grandf father have been like, this guy.

[Elders]

I should never heard him slap together.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's. Listen, this is. Yeah, this is insane, obviously, because this guy's getting. He's essentially having. This woman's having an emotional affair.

[Elders]

It's not just an investment opportunity. They get you on that. This is like, so I'm.

[Ari Shaffir]

My worry would be like, okay, you block him. Whatever. This guy's going to create another account and be like, hey, beautiful. Did something happen? Did I make you mad? Mad. I'm so sorry. Like, this guy's gonna find you.

[Elders]

He's got her on the hook.

[Ari Shaffir]

You're never. Unless you completely take away her Facebook

[Elders]

or like, yeah, it's not the real Keanu Reeves.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Elders]

So it's not like he's like, I guess she doesn't want to talk to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's some guy that's like, I was just about to ask her for a thousand dollars in Apple gift cards. Or whatever.

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

So I don't like. I do think you have to have a conversation with her.

[Elders]

It's. It's like. But the. The husband. Right? It's like someone's preying on her. I don't want to tell you what. But. But she's got to be offline.

[Ari Shaffir]

I also. Yeah, I mean listen, you. You talk about your. Like I made this point a little earlier, but it's like they have some kind of weird ass relationship. He's so oblivious. He doesn't know he's getting cheated on with fake Keanu Reeves. She's talking to this chat bot forever. Like look, you're not going to fix your grandparents relationship, right? That's not what we're doing here. What you got to do is make sure your grandmother, because like right now she's.

[Elders]

Your grandfather doesn't have to know this.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. And also he wouldn't even understand.

[Elders]

He would understand. It's a new.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's a new world if this h. If you tell your grandfather this, he might go get a gun and shoot the re. Right. And we don't want that. He's carries a national treasure.

[Elders]

Guys, let's very clear on this. Do not do anything to Keanu Reeves.

[Ari Shaffir]

Do not. Twisted T Corporation does not want violence against our national treasures.

[Elders]

Keanu is the all Twisted T Corporation part of this.

[Ari Shaffir]

Here's what you should here. If. If there's a.

[Elders]

You leave Keanu around.

[Ari Shaffir]

Maybe. Maybe. Yeah, maybe what you should do is get your grandparents together. Crack open an ice cold Twisted tea and see if you can't get to the root of their marital problems.

[Elders]

What if. What if the. The husband, the grandfather you have.

[Ari Shaffir]

Of course you know and go ahead.

[Elders]

He's in a great place because like, oh, she tells me about these things he's going to do to Keanu Reeves. We've been open. I jerk off thinking about it.

[Ari Shaffir]

He comes in. He's. He's have a. He has a surfboard under his arm. They're doing Point Break role play. He's addressed in all black. He's eating her in bullet time. He's going backwards and eating his. Like this.

[Elders]

I had to make my back brace so I could go all the way.

[Ari Shaffir]

That would be a twist. If he knows. What if he's the one doing it to juice her up so she'll fuck him again?

[Elders]

It's role playing. We all know who we are, guys. Why are you ruining this kids anyway?

[Ari Shaffir]

This is a very twisted situation.

[Elders]

It's very twisted.

[Ari Shaffir]

She's keeping it too. Twisted. Twisted look, here's what your grandfather's needed about this. What your grandfather needs is the new summer party pack from Twisted Tea, including twisted lemonade. I can't wait to crack these bad boys open. I haven't. I haven't had the. The pleasure of. Of sucking them off yet, but, boy, oh, boy, am I looking forward to it. I got a rooftop now. This summer, I'm gonna be drinking summer party pack.

[Elders]

Yeah, dude, we gotta get. Instead of coos, we gotta get, like, nips on top so we can just. Sweet.

[Ari Shaffir]

I love that. I love that hard lemonade right on this. It like a ketchup bottle. So don't tell your grandfather. And try and get your grandmother to stop this behavior. That's really all you can do here. You know, they're all. Look, if you really want to try hard, you could. You could try and get your grandmother in therapy, talk to them about their relationships. Because this is a person that is not happy in her marriage.

[Elders]

I would say so.

[Ari Shaffir]

And the fact that her husband hasn't caught on to that and he's oblivious, that's a problem, too. So if you reach really, the.

[Guest/Contributor]

The.

[Ari Shaffir]

The way you get a passing grade here is keep your grandfather out of it. Make sure your grandmother stops talking to them. The way you get an A plus 4.0 is you take this as an opportunity to look into the problems in their marriage. But also, they're 70.

[Elders]

If you want AP credits.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yes.

[Elders]

You get Keanu Reeves come in and say, hey, I got to break this off. I didn't know you were married. And I. I don't feel right about this. You can't ever contact me again.

[Ari Shaffir]

Right, right, right, right.

[Elders]

So she feels attractive.

[Ari Shaffir]

That's good.

[Elders]

You need to live out the great days with your husband. Maybe. How about this sucker box once.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, I don't think Keanu is going to do that, but I think what you could do is, if your grandma's dumb enough to fall for this, why don't you get AI to break up with her, to send her a video and be like, I love you? But my old girlfriend from high school called that I'm going to be with her. If it wasn't for her, I just have too much history with her.

[Elders]

Please understand respect.

[Ari Shaffir]

Please understand, respect this. And I want you to know from now on, a lot of people, I'm going to be offline as a celebrity. A lot of people will try. They'll find out about us and try and take advantage of you. I don't want that. So please, never talk to Me again online. That's. That's the. So we've given you three options.

[Elders]

That's not bad.

[Ari Shaffir]

But also, I don't. I don't like using generative AI ever. So I think. So here's what you do. You hire Keanu Reeves impersonator.

[Elders]

Okay, okay.

[Ari Shaffir]

We get a human being to do this.

[Elders]

We're not getting

[Ari Shaffir]

generative AI here. Find a sexy 61 year old Weian somewhere who looks like Keanu and get him to break up with your grandma. And maybe, maybe you can't get the real Keanu to do it, but maybe this guy will give her a kiss. What if this backfires and this guy's like some out of work old actor and he does start fucking.

[Elders]

I don't know, man. I really liked her.

[Ari Shaffir]

Hey, and he's just doing a bad Keanu impression for Bill and Ted. What if he's a Bill and Ted? He's like, hey, dude, talking to you has been totally radical, but it's got to end.

[Elders]

I want to see a shrivelies.

[Ari Shaffir]

So anyway, that was too. Your grandma's keeping it too motherfucking twisted.

[Elders]

Too real.

[Ari Shaffir]

Just crack open the summer party pack, man. That's all you gotta do. And remember, everybody, keep it twisted. Whoa, oh, oh. Whoa. Keep it twisted. The twisted ass question of the week. Hit it with another one, LD that was awesome though. God damn, that was. Dude. Man, what the Ice cold twisted tea hits. So it's early. I haven't had a twisted tea this early.

[Elders]

I'm not into tea usually. That's really good.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, good.

[Elders]

I was like, this is.

[Ari Shaffir]

The ad's done, by the way. This is just real, dude. Oh, next one. LD.

[Elders]

I did not know it was boozy when I drank it. I was like, oh, oh. I thought it was just like.

[Ari Shaffir]

Well, you see, ari, it's actually 5% per volume. The perfect amount of boost to kick it up notch, but not, not too much, you know. And it's brewed with real iced tea. Anyway, the ad's over. Next question. Hey everyone, it's me, Morgan Stewart, and I have a new podcast called the Morgan Stewart Show. Join me each week as I talk

[Caller/Listener]

about pop culture, fashion, my personal life

[Ari Shaffir]

and just a warning, I'm going to

[Caller/Listener]

be giving my opinion on everything. I'll also have some really fun guests

[Ari Shaffir]

to join in on the fun. The Morgan Stewart show is out.

[Guest/Contributor]

Now.

[Ari Shaffir]

Listen and follow wherever you get your

[Caller/Listener]

podcasts or watch full video on YouTube.

[Ari Shaffir]

Carter's has your family covered for every summer. First for steps, first swim lesson or first sleepover. Our clothes help kids and parents shine. Thanks to comfy design and easy dressing details. Visit Carters.com to shop the latest styles or find a Carter's store near you.

[Caller/Listener]

Hi Sabros and guest. So I'm pretty sure my, my boyfriend is proposing soon. For context, we've been dating almost two years. We're both okay. I'm mid-20s, he's mid-30s. Yes, 10 year age gap, but ain't

[Ari Shaffir]

nothing wrong with you.

[Caller/Listener]

We love each other so much. I'm pretty sure he's proposing soon because he bought a ring sizing thing from Shane's company.

[Ari Shaffir]

Hilarious.

[Caller/Listener]

Which, which he's not making it very secretive. He's obliviously obvious about it.

[Ari Shaffir]

Awesome. He's like, you know what? Be fun. Why don't we go get make molds of our hands made? Wouldn't that be a fun activity?

[Caller/Listener]

Keep going. But here's my question. He hasn't asked my dad yet and I'm not traditional in most senses but about something like this, I would want him to ask my parents. Not for permission I guess but.

[Ari Shaffir]

And what may I own you know this. I've been renting the May I own it, sir? I know it belongs to you as her father.

[Elders]

I'll give you a nice bottle of scotch to make it official. A handshake makes it official.

[Guest/Contributor]

And see us.

[Ari Shaffir]

I know I find that such.

[Elders]

So bizarre, so dumb and antiquated.

[Ari Shaffir]

But at the same time it's not about like we're joking. The, the. The.

[Elders]

It's fun.

[Ari Shaffir]

I guess the, the like patriarchal way to look at is like he's what we just. The joke we just did. He's. He's asking. That's the, that's the root of it and it is fucked up. But I do think like I'm sure

[Elders]

the dad would like it.

[Ari Shaffir]

I just think in terms of just, just almost like hey. Almost as a way to be like hey. Because your relationship to these people is going to change when you marry their, their daughter. Right?

[Elders]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

And almost in a way to be like hey, I really respect you. I want, I'm. I want to be a part of this family. Yeah, exactly. And I want to, I want to just do the respectful thing and be like I just want you to know I love your daughter very much. And you know, now asking. I don't know that I would ask.

[Elders]

Hey, can I talk to you guys what I'm planning?

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. It's like I'd love. You know, I just want you to know and you know, because if somebody told me no, I'd be like, well, okay.

[Caller/Listener]

Doing it.

[Elders]

That made it.

[Ari Shaffir]

I don't give a bro. I was trying to be nice. Did you Eldest. You don't have to talk about this if you don't want to, but did you go through this?

[Guest/Contributor]

I did not ask my wife's parents. You know, I'm not losing sleep over it, but I kind of wish I did, just because it's a chance for the tradition. The tradition.

[Elders]

I mean, it's a fun thing.

[Guest/Contributor]

It's. It's kind of fun. Yeah. For the tradition. And it's as bas. As, like, you know, you. You have so few, like, very serious conversations with. With, like, in laws or something.

[Ari Shaffir]

Right.

[Guest/Contributor]

That's like. That's a chance to be. For, like, both parties to be like, yeah, I like you. It'd be nice to be each other's family. This is awesome.

[Elders]

We love you. We already consider you part of the family. That kind of.

[Ari Shaffir]

No, you're right. It's almost like it's not really a permission thing anymore. It's almost like you're wasting an opportunity to really. A moment of intimacy. You're right. There's only, like, four or five moments of intimacy that are that important in a person's life, and getting married is one of them. And that may be your best. That might be the easiest conversation with the most upside, especially when you already. You loved your. You know, I mean, like, you already had great relationship with them, so it wasn't like it was never in doubt. So it was more like it's an opportunity to just bond in a way that's like, you know, and so I

[Elders]

see, like, you know, the thing of, like, throw the flowers in the next girl whoever catches and they get married. But other people, like, like, I've got a career, and I'm 22. I'm not gonna get married.

[Guest/Contributor]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Elders]

It's a fun thing to do.

[Ari Shaffir]

Just try.

[Elders]

So it's like. There's that part, too. It's like, we did that, like, walking down your aisle when you graduated. Like, who doesn't think they're gonna graduate high school? Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

You're still coming in, checking your wife's to make sure the hymen's still intact, you know, Classic cloud. Yeah. Check her teeth. Make sure you're not gonna do too much dental work. You know, Look.

[Guest/Contributor]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Make. Yeah. That kind of the classic stuff. Yeah. Traditional stuff, anyway.

[Elders]

I don't know. But you can't. You're not gonna ask him to ask.

[Ari Shaffir]

Well, let's see. Let's just get the whole context for

[Caller/Listener]

my hand in marriage. He's definitely asked his sister, but I don't know how to bring that up in conversation because if he proposes without asking my dad first, I don't know if I like I want to say yes, obviously. But what if he doesn't?

[Ari Shaffir]

That's weird on your part too.

[Caller/Listener]

I don't feel comfortable saying yes without

[Elders]

let me ask my dad first approval.

[Caller/Listener]

And I know four more years of cooking prove that they love him, but

[Ari Shaffir]

they do love him.

[Caller/Listener]

How do I bring that up in conversation?

[Elders]

You don't. Don't ruin.

[Ari Shaffir]

Well, I think there's ways to do it.

[Caller/Listener]

No, she has kind of letting him know that I need my parents him to have approval.

[Elders]

Pause.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Elders]

He asked the sister already, right?

[Ari Shaffir]

Her sister or his sister.

[Guest/Contributor]

I think. I think she said he talked to his sister.

[Elders]

That's what his sister. So just tell the sister to tell him.

[Ari Shaffir]

That's what I was gonna say.

[Elders]

Is that like, don't tell him came for me, but make sure he knows to ask my dad, right?

[Ari Shaffir]

No, no, exactly the way you can't tell him.

[Elders]

It'll ruin the surprise.

[Ari Shaffir]

Well, his dumbass already got the ring thing. Whatever. I think here's the thing. If he does some. This is not a subtle person. Right. He's fudging. Got the ring thing out. Whatever.

[Elders]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

If it becomes obvious. If he. He just makes it clear he's planning to do this and you know, and he knows you can be like, hey, I need you to go talk to my dad. If it becomes obvious. Now that's only if he fucks up and slips up again. If he doesn't. You're exactly right. Either his sister or your best friend or I think best friends are a really good almost like go between in these situations. You have to kind of do relationship espionage. We have to send in your agent to fucking do a mission.

[Elders]

Yeah. And slip it in.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Elders]

It's like, I can't wait for you to get married. I wonder what the conversation with her dad's gonna be like. Are you excited about that?

[Ari Shaffir]

Right.

[Elders]

Oh, there's somebody else.

[Caller/Listener]

Oh, bro.

[Elders]

For sure.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. You gotta do that.

[Elders]

I know Marguerite. She would be. You should do it.

[Ari Shaffir]

Here's the other thing you could do, which is a fun way to sneak it in. Look up. I don't know if there's any meat. Like watch Meet the. A movie that. That puts in his minds itself with the whole plot of this movie is this guy is gonna go ask her the whole plot of Meet the Fockers. Is a male nurse is gonna ask, you know, his wife's tough guy dad for her hand of marriage. That's the whole plot of Meet the Fockers, and it just goes wrong and wrong and wrong. First of all, it's a great movie, very funny. And also you could be like, oh, that was a funny movie. It's like, oh, yeah. I can't believe he was so nervous about that. It's like, you know, you can be like, someday when we, you know, hopefully when we get married. I know it's gonna be easier for you. I mean, my dad loves you. It's gonna be such an easy conversation.

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

And then I think those are your two options. It's like, put it in his mind.

[Elders]

Like, I can see him watching that and going, if it's me or you go, oh, I forgot that part.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Elders]

Oh, there's so much stuff we forget.

[Ari Shaffir]

Right, right.

[Elders]

That it's like, oh, oh, right. Of course.

[Ari Shaffir]

Right, right, right. So I think the way you like, I mean, I've.

[Elders]

I don't know if I've told you that's not bad.

[Ari Shaffir]

I don't know. But like, movies sometimes can have real realizations. Like, I remember I was dating someone and we watched the. This is way back in the day in Baltimore. We watched the Jenny Slate movie Obvious Child about a girl getting an abortion. And she was like, I could never do that. And I was like, o. I mean, whatever. I mean, that's fine. And we on birth control. And she's like, I'm not on birth control. I was like,

[Elders]

just. It just cloud stop. Like the door slams.

[Caller/Listener]

I was.

[Ari Shaffir]

I was like, what? Thank God we. We got. We got through Scott free, but wow. But like watching movies really can't.

[Elders]

Like, Scott was what she named her child when she did have the abortion.

[Ari Shaffir]

Holy. What if I have a son in Baltimore right now? Actually, you know what? Best case scenario, if I have like a 9 year old kid right now,

[Elders]

I skipped all that would be changing diapers.

[Guest/Contributor]

You get to be a stepdad figure

[Ari Shaffir]

to your own son. That's the dream. Damn, dude, I need to start anyway. Never mind. I'll keep that thought to myself.

[Elders]

We knew a guy, it was a door guy just after me, Dan. And his mom was like a female wrestler. It's kind of wild. Anyway, like bigger lady too, and low level wrestler. And she brought him to a comedy show one day and at the end of it, she goes, by the way, that's your father. And that's. That's how she broke the news. You don't want to say, I don't know, but it's.

[Ari Shaffir]

It was a comedian.

[Elders]

Yeah.

[Caller/Listener]

Wow.

[Elders]

Traveling comedian.

[Ari Shaffir]

That's crazy.

[Elders]

I mean, actually, it's out there now. They know it. It's the guy who used to book Letterman.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, Eddie Brill.

[Elders]

Eddie Brill was his dadonia.

[Ari Shaffir]

That's hilarious. Because he's a ugly guy.

[Guest/Contributor]

Yeah.

[Elders]

It's like, damn. So much better looking Eddie Brill.

[Ari Shaffir]

That's coming from me, folks. Look at what that guy looks like. Tough one. Like, Jesus, it couldn't have been fucking Jim Carrey before he got famous. It was around the same era. So funny.

[Elders]

What a wild way to know.

[Ari Shaffir]

And also, it's like, imagine you go to a comic show and your dad did like, the sixth best. You're like, he wasn't the worst, but he wasn't killing.

[Elders]

Remember the guy that was, like, sort of forgettable?

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, yeah. He had a couple good ones.

[Elders]

Bomb wasn't even, like, fun.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, didn't. Bomb did just. Okay. Had one joke. You. You thought he was a good joke. And you're like, oh, no, that was a d. A different comic, by the way. That happens all the time. People come up to you and they're like, I love that joke. And they're talking to me about a JP joke, and then they'll do the same thing to JP where they're talking about a joke, and it's just so weird. I don't know why.

[Elders]

I had one in. In Anchorage, me and David Taylor did a gig and he's so much better writer than me.

[Ari Shaffir]

Right.

[Elders]

And. And far more annoying face that. People call him a bald F word a lot. And he's not gay, but it's like they want to hurt him because he just has us. I'm better than you face place and. And hilarious, everyone. Oh, I love that NASCAR joke. I'm like, that's David's. I love that joke. I'm like, that's David. You liked me and you supplanted his good jokes onto me because, you know, you're related to it.

[Ari Shaffir]

So funny. But no, I don't know. I just feel like sometimes that I just think these jokes get into people's heads differently.

[Elders]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Anyway, so, yeah, I give it to the friend that, yeah, you either. You got a weapon, friend. Watch Meet the Fockers.

[Guest/Contributor]

I like the hints. I think Meet the Fockers is actually a really good idea to be stealthy about it. I'll also say in my research, like, when I was getting ready to propose, especially when it came to, like, getting the ring. I was like, how the do you pick this out? It's a hard one. I want it to be a surprise. I don't really want to ask anyone. I was like looking around. It is like so many people, like so many girlfriends, like take their boyfriends out.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Guest/Contributor]

They're like, this is the ring. Ring. We're designing it together. They're heavy handed. So it's like also if you really want it and care about it, it's okay not to leave it up to chance. You could like just be so literal and heavy handed about it. I mean, especially if he's as aloof as like you're describing.

[Ari Shaffir]

I think it's the way it should be done is you have like a simple gold ring that's almost symbolic.

[Elders]

Symbolic on your ring.

[Ari Shaffir]

And then she says yes. And then you then go together to pick out the real one. I don't know why that's not the way we do this.

[Elders]

Because something plastic. You're at the circus. Let me buy something out here.

[Ari Shaffir]

Right, right. And then we'll go get the real one.

[Elders]

Yeah. Then we'll go to some real. But also if you're actually talking to him about the, the proposal, the marriage. Some people do that.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Elders]

Then it's like, then just tell, just say it.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, yeah.

[Elders]

If it's not a full surprise.

[Caller/Listener]

Totally.

[Elders]

Then you're going to ruin.

[Ari Shaffir]

There's not. Yeah, exactly. It's like you guys are in love. You, you, you know this is trending this way. It's in. Oh hell yeah. The twisted tea, mate. Awesome. Yeah, that's good. Next question. Give us what do you have an alternate twisted on there? Eldis or those not loaded up.

[Elders]

How do you say twisted in Spanish?

[Ari Shaffir]

I don't know. That's fine. Place it up. I don't know how you say it in Greek. Twisted Yiddish. Meno is turned around sound.

[Elders]

Wait, what's twisted in Spanish? I want to know.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh yeah, because you're doing it right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Elders]

Look it up for me. Twisted, I guess turned around. Yeah. What's that?

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, I think it's more. It's probably idiom based. Right. Because twisted is kind of like, it's more cultural, you know?

[Elders]

Yeah. When I was learning Hebrew I was like doing a sentence. It was like

[Guest/Contributor]

in Spanish.

[Ari Shaffir]

Why don't you play the retro?

[Elders]

Yeah, Twisted play.

[Ari Shaffir]

Play the here we go question.

[Elders]

Retro.

[Ari Shaffir]

Put in keep it twisted and let Google say it. Keep it twisted in Spanish. And yes, this is worth doing in the middle of the podcast. This is the pod. You Guys are listening to. Okay. Play it not you saying you idiot. Jesus, man. That's right, man. Thought mano. That's right for this. For the South American market.

[Elders]

If you don't drink it. Uruguay.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. Next question. You got it, baby girl. We. You know what to do here.

[Elders]

Chicks do get crazy about the. The proposal and everything having to go right and the wedding and it's like that's just their jam.

[Ari Shaffir]

There's certain. There's definitely certain people that like weddings and proposals are so important to them. And I think. And sometimes it can be surprising. You know, it's a very personal thing for people. Even people that you think are very. Are non traditional in some ways. They might surprise you and then the opposite sometimes. I've known people who have super judicial lives. Like I don't give a about that. I don't need a big wedding. They seem like the people who would care. So you just never know. And it all.

[Guest/Contributor]

It.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's so personal to you. It's so just about your relationship to your partner that just make. Do whatever you do to make it the way you want it. There's no reason to be like polite about it.

[Elders]

It was just of kind. Married alone.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Elders]

It's just you and your partner inviting. It's just like I think that do it by yourselves.

[Ari Shaffir]

The best model in my opinion. I mean your wedding was great. Where it was like a very small. I like that. Or have it almost com. Even a little. I mean yours was just a little more than a loping. Barely. It was like literally just the closest family.

[Guest/Contributor]

Yeah.

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

But I also like having a even smaller one where it's just like bet, you know, family, maybe best man made of like honor. And then you do it at the courthouse and then you have a big party that's cheaper than a wedding where you don't have to wear a suit.

[Elders]

Party.

[Ari Shaffir]

You have an awesome party.

[Elders]

Exactly. Do the wedding part yourself.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, exactly.

[Elders]

And then make an excuse. I will say this. The farther we get into whatever version of society we've built right now, it's harder and harder to have get togethers. It's just more difficult. Everyone's at work all the time on their phone. It doesn't leave them.

[Ari Shaffir]

And we've designed our cities other than. That's why I love New York so much. It's like it's a real city. It's Europe. It's like Europe. It's like regular pace. It's walking.

[Guest/Contributor]

Walkable.

[Elders]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

We have designed everyone in suburbs everywhere. We have to take a car These developments where it's like everyone gets there. Basically we've give. We've been given a little pr. Nice prison cells where we're isolated and we're not. And, and they don't want you. They don't want community because when there's community, people realize that if they together they could stop all the that's.

[Elders]

They want you isolated takes care of stuff.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah dude, they want you isolated so you don't retire. Realize it's, it's. It's literally the ruling class that is your life over. And not trans teenagers and Mexican people. But anyway.

[Elders]

But the thing is if you can force people to get together, a graduation, a wedding where people can't say no, a going away party, it's kind of like it's my obligation to go. It's. Then it's your obligation to force them and it's fun. So then you have to have the wedding for everybody.

[Ari Shaffir]

Totally. And dude, I remember when I first party part. When I first moved to New York there was a real culture of like, you know, open. We were all open micros at the time, but it was 11, 10 years ago. There was a real culture of when it's somebody's birthday, you pick a bar and it's like. And it's better than like hey, let's like when. If somebody were to tell me we're

[Elders]

going to birthday, you have to go.

[Ari Shaffir]

Exactly.

[Elders]

It's not just we're meeting up.

[Ari Shaffir]

Exactly. It's like I would skip a. I would, you know, I would skip just a regular bar night. But if you're like, oh it's JP's birthday, we're all going to fucking. And I did. And that was a really great community building thing. And that's what we lived in New York. There's so many great bars in our society. Like the, the idea of the third space that's like. It's communal. It only exists for people to hang out. The parks here, you don't have that shit. Even bars, movie theaters, fucking bowling leagues and shit like that. We need that in our fucking country. And the way you get that, I mean the way you get that is public transit, not people in, in, in dense urban areas. Like anyway, there's, there's so much that's been f. We've been fucked by. I mean, honestly. Ironically, one of the best movies about this is who Framed Roger Rabbit. It's about, it's basically a movie about how greedy fucking rich automobile developers destroyed the trolley system in la. LA used to have some of the best public Transit in the fucking country anyway. Whatever.

[Guest/Contributor]

How about a fun one to take us home? We gotta clear that for our seasoned traveler here.

[Elders]

Okay.

[Caller/Listener]

Hey, dog and esteemed guest. I was calling. So I work with some amigos. They just got here. I worked with them last year.

[Elders]

Vigos.

[Caller/Listener]

And whenever I try to speak, you

[Ari Shaffir]

know, vegans, Spanish, amigos, I throw a

[Caller/Listener]

little accent in there. Accent.

[Ari Shaffir]

He's talking about Spanish. Mexican guys

[Caller/Listener]

just got here. I worked with them last year. And whenever I try to speak, you know, Spanish, I throw a little accent in there. Accent in there. Trying to speak like them.

[Elders]

Yeah.

[Caller/Listener]

And I'm trying to see if that's racist or not before I keep doing it or if I should try to do my Spanish. And, you know.

[Ari Shaffir]

Interesting.

[Elders]

Just a question. It's a thinker.

[Caller/Listener]

Let me know what you think best. Have a great day.

[Ari Shaffir]

This is an interesting question because I think there is a way that it's not race, and there's a way that it's race.

[Elders]

Racist.

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah.

[Elders]

Let's look at. In terms of racism versus trying to fit in. Let's look at Madonna having moved to England.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Elders]

And getting a British accent. Right. So similar.

[Ari Shaffir]

Or similar.

[Elders]

But I wouldn't call racist. It's white on white to her.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's more poser.

[Elders]

Poser.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. So, okay, so are you being a poser? Because I would say it's racist if you don't speak any. If you don't speak a lick of. It's like when. Like a boomer dad's like. And I'll have the fahit does. You know what I mean? It's like, chill. Or if you're like. Or if, like, you know, even worse, the example of like, I've had a friend. Maybe it was Mullen who told this story where it's like his dad would just order it. I don't remember if it was Mullen. So let's not. Maybe it wasn't him. A friend of mine's dad would order Chinese food and do the. Like. The. Not even trying to speak Chinese just was by accident speaking. That's racist. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Elders]

If you.

[Guest/Contributor]

If you.

[Ari Shaffir]

That. That is. But if you're.

[Elders]

Why isn't it a K and barrel? We must do home shopping with K and barrel.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. But if. I will say, if you're somebody who's actually learning the language and you're just trying to speak it with better pronunciation, that's not racist.

[Elders]

Also, if you're there, you. You learn it. They say things differently. So you would just, like, say it, the way you learn it, like, it's really, like, it's actually less under racist.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's less racist than keeping on to the hola, amigos.

[Elders]

Yeah, that's racist. That's actually, that's like, you know, it's not pronounced vegetas.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Elders]

Why do you keep saying it like that?

[Ari Shaffir]

No, you're making an effort. These are your friends. You're not doing it to like, weirdly endear yourself to them. You're doing it to improve your Spanish, I would assume.

[Elders]

Dude, when you meet people that learn Spanish in a Spanish country and you're like, oh, you have a flow that I'll never get.

[Ari Shaffir]

Totally, totally.

[Elders]

I'm like, comeo. Okay. Quanto oras?

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, cuz you're translating. Yeah, they're speaking. You know what I mean?

[Elders]

They learn it that way.

[Ari Shaffir]

And that's my problem with Greek. It's like there's a certain level of Greek where I, I, you know, I comes out fluent, like the easy stuff. And then when we get to more complex ideas, I start, I start translating because I say it's hard when what you're good at is talking. Because I have this I want to say in English and I'm like, how do I say this in Greek? And that's when I always get tripped up. That's why I want to live there for six weeks and go native, baby. Go back to my room, grow. It'll get all.

[Elders]

Yeah, you'll be forced to find a villager wife, literally.

[Ari Shaffir]

My, my.

[Elders]

And be like.

[Ari Shaffir]

And then be like, literally. My fantasy that I was saying about you is just what I want. But at a beach where I just want to take a villager Greek wife and start a family and then leave. Send them $1,000 a month, which in Greece is like $10,000.

[Elders]

Dude, we had.

[Ari Shaffir]

Dude, I would love to have the old fashioned, like, Dominican setup where it's like, you have a family there. You have a family here.

[Elders]

Spend 500 bucks a month, you're gold. They're living high life. When I was in Thailand, I met so many chicks who had a old British dude on the hook for 500 a year.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Elders]

And it's like, I'm having trouble. It's like, oh, let me just. Like, we had such a great time. You're my tour guide, Sl. Buddy.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good business tour guide, buddy. Yeah, yeah. A very knowledgeable, beautiful woman.

[Elders]

They know the streets. She's like, that's a tourist stop. I'll take you over Here.

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, we'll take you to the good.

[Elders]

Yeah, the beach life would be gas.

[Ari Shaffir]

I have. We'll get there. So. Yeah, I say it's not racist.

[Elders]

I say it's not racist. I say you're trying.

[Ari Shaffir]

Do you. Are you. Do you. Did your. Did your Spanish get better?

[Elders]

Tons better, yeah. Tons better.

[Ari Shaffir]

Are you like. How do you. Are you trying to learn it for real? Can you speak? And that's the episode, folks. Thank you for listening to st's world.

[Elders]

I'm trying to.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, that's. Oh, I'm catching a whiff of that.

[Elders]

Oh, my God.

[Ari Shaffir]

Thank you. Ari Shafir. Watch the end.

[Elders]

The end's available right now.

[Ari Shaffir]

Why did I buy you a cream cheese bagel?

[Elders]

Mark Norman's in there. Joe list, everybody. Guys, all the money is splitting. Split up to the comedians.

[Ari Shaffir]

If you're. If you're. If you're a communist, you'll enjoy the end.

[Elders]

Everybody, cream cheese.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, it's that cream that everything bagel.

[Elders]

Don't blame yourself.

[Ari Shaffir]

We'll see you next time, guys. Bye. Hey, everyone, it's me, Morgan Stewart, and I have a new podcast called the Morgan Stewart show. Join me each week as I talk

[Caller/Listener]

about pop culture, fashion, my personal life,

[Ari Shaffir]

and just a warning, I'm gonna be giving my opinion on everything.

[Caller/Listener]

I'll also have some really fun guests

[Ari Shaffir]

to join in on the fun. The Morgan Stewart show is out now. Listen and follow wherever you get your

[Caller/Listener]

podcasts or watch full video on YouTube. YouTube.

[Elders]

Sometimes life will get you stressed out.

[Ari Shaffir]

Lucky you can always count on text now.

[Elders]

Free Talk.

[Ari Shaffir]

Free text.

[Elders]

Free 5G. And they'll never shut you off.

[Ari Shaffir]

Cause like I said, it's free. Text now's got your back. Nationwide.

[Elders]

No long term contracts.

[Ari Shaffir]

But I'll be nervous not losing service. Text now's got your back. That's their sense of purpose. No matter what comes next, you've got

[Elders]

free talk and text with the TextNow app. Wireless plans require the purchase of a sim card.

[Ari Shaffir]

Visit textnow.com for terms and conditions.