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Patreon preview. Unlock full episode at https://www.patreon.com/stavvysworld Doug Smith returns to the pod to discuss his son explaining to him what gooning is, his brother taking him to high school as a baby so he could pick up chicks, his son's love for anime, Stav's new addition to his art collection, why him and Stav are both dressed like it's fall for some reason, and much more. Doug and Stav help callers including a man whose sister is threatening to remove him from their dying abusive father's will if he doesn't contribute to his caretaking, and a corporate woman who's wondering if she should correct her client who calls her by the wrong name in meetings. Follow Doug Smith on social media: https://www.dougsmithcomedy.com/ https://www.instagram.com/whodougsmith/ https://x.com/whodougsmith ☎️ Want to be a part of the show? Call 904-800-STAV and leave a voicemail to get advice! 🎟️ See Stavvy live on the Dreamboat Tour 🛥️💕!!! https://stavvy.biz/ for tickets ‼️ Bonus epi...
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Co-host 1
Hi, diva.
Rachel
It's Rachel and Jordan. Yeah, hi.
Jordan
Quick question.
Co-host 1
Why are you not spending your Venmo Balance? Yeah, we're concerned you can, like, buy stuff with it.
Rachel
Ugh.
Jordan
You love buying stuff.
Co-host 1
And earn cash back on eligible purchases.
Rachel
Mm.
Jordan
You love purchasing eligible things.
Co-host 1
So the money your friend sent you yesterday, that's today's ramen or rideshare or eye patches.
Jordan
The skincare kind, not the pyro kind.
Co-host 1
Spend with Venmo and you can earn cash back with Venmo Stash. Venmo Stash bundle terms and Exclusions apply. Makes $100 cash back per month. See terms@venmo me. Terms, Idaho. Verification required to use a Venmo balance.
Caller Eldis
Hey, Stuff. Eldest, beautiful guest. I got a pretty standard shitty dad question for you.
Rachel
Great.
Caller Eldis
Long story short, my parents divorced when I was young, and I moved in with my dad. He was an abusive piece of shit, so I moved out when I was 13 and never spoke to him again. Fast forward a decade, and he got diagnosed with something called Marfan Syndrome.
Rachel
Marfan Syndrome. He's now blind and, I don't know, isn't Marfan syndrome? Isn't that, like, gigantism? Didn't Bobon. Doesn't Boban Marjanovic have Marfan syndrome or some shit? I think that's when you see that,
Jordan
like, turned into a titan, when you.
Rachel
Basically, I kind of think it's you turning into a titan.
Co-host 2
Characterized by skeletal changes like elongation of the limbs and looseness of joints, displacement of the lens of the eye. So that's where the blindness comes in.
Rachel
Look up Marfan Syndrome, NBA players and keep playing while you do that. Maybe see if you can be good at producing for. Oh, never mind.
Caller Eldis
Practically, I'm deathbed. Like, if I had to guess, this guy has, like, five years left, and my older sister has gotten close to him and has been taking care of him because of that. And now she's pissed at me, the guy he used to abuse when he was young, that I'm not taking care of him, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I live three hours away, so I don't even know why she's mad at me for that. And then she's also threatening to have him cut me out of his will if I don't start Pitching in and reach out to him. I didn't even know I was in it. The only thing in his will is his house split 4 ways, so I'm looking at probably 50 to 100k. I have 40k in loans I need to pay off, so I don't really know what the fuck to do here. I kind of planned on never talking to this guy again, but now my sister's telling me he has this will and.
Rachel
Your sister and your dad.
Caller Eldis
Dude, don't start talking to him and helping him out. She's gonna have him cut me out of it. And I don't know, man. I got 40k in loan, so I don't know. What's the move, gullible sister, to just go yourself or do I suck it up and back into my life? I don't know. Sorry, it's kind of rambling.
Rachel
You do know.
Caller Eldis
Thank you.
Rachel
You're just. You do know. You're just in the exact situation that makes you the most ner. Reverting into being a nervous ass little kid whose fucking drunk dad might fucking give him a black eye. So you're scared again? Yeah. Dude, you got to tell your sister to fuck off here. In my personal opinion, I don't know, you are. You're. You're kind of dealing.
Caller Eldis
You.
Rachel
You've dealt with elderly parents, you. A bunch of weird shit's going on. In fact, didn't some crazy shit happen? That was one of the reasons you podcast.
Jordan
That was the best excuse yet. Yeah, they found out my dad's caretaker was a convicted felon.
Rachel
That's nuts, dude. You just trust that you're bar. Yeah, actually, what we should do is get this convicted felon to care for your dad. Well, that solves all the problems. Send this convicted felon to steal from this guy's abusive piece of shit.
Jordan
Doesn't matter if you're in the will or not.
Rachel
Yeah, the money's gonna be fucking.
Jordan
You'll get what's yours.
Rachel
The money's going to a fucking gated community in Barbados. What did I do? You want to fucking. Is it too weird to talk about? No, no, no. You just found out that your dad's caretaker felon.
Jordan
It was not my dad was actually doing okay. It was his wife's caretaker. So her kids were hiring just, you know, the. The cheapest. You know, Craigslist.
Rachel
That's where you want to cut corners, is carrying after your elderly mother? Are you kidding me? That's insane, dude.
Jordan
Yeah, they're like, can you change a diaper?
Rachel
No, they're on TaskRabbit. They're like, watch my mom for seven hours, $40 an hour and two bottles of water. Yeah.
Jordan
One time if you can mount a television, you can care for a.
Rachel
Hey, while you're there, change your diaper. Yeah. You get shelves put in. You're like, hey, in the notes, hang out with my mom and change her diaper twice. We'll give you $40 tip. If so. One time Adam, Adam was telling. Adam Friedland was telling me he hired a fucking. He hired a task rabbit to clean. Like I guess he just wanted like a, you know, he didn't have. He just wanted someone to clean his place. And the guy is just Some dude shows up, just task rabbit and he's like, yeah, I can do it, whatever. And Adam just finds him on his belly, on his, on his phone. The guy just on his phone, feet up, being like, oh, sorry. I was taking a break. Seeing a grown man, first of all, seeing any grown man with his feet up like Britney Spears on the COVID of her fucking album on my bed would piss me off. Something just primal in me would be like, stop enjoying my be. No other man can enjoy my bed. It was a girl. It wouldn't make me as mad. Anyway, yeah. Hired TaskRabbit. So, so, so this is now. So this is your stepmom. Basically.
Jordan
My step, My stepmom's kids hired the. They were, they were burned through these people like two weeks paying them a hundred bucks a day for round the clock care, you know. And these people would burn out and, and hit the bricks. So they were just burning through these people. And finally they found this woman who was great. She was just no complaints. Just reorganized the garage, going above and beyond cooking three meals a day, you know, sweet, bubbly. And then my sister in law at some point was like, we should probably be doing background checks on these people. There's a lot of elder abuse and you know, theft and fraud and they ran a background check. She just texted me a picture of a fucking mug shot. Oh no, just this methed out face, just chopped haircut, just.
Rachel
Oh my God. But wait, was that like how far in the past, like three, like a month before her.
Jordan
It was, it was, I think it was from two years prior to when they hired her.
Rachel
It was a little.
Jordan
Yeah, soon. Yeah.
Rachel
That's crazy. And she was great at the job.
Jordan
Yeah. So we were kind of torn. We're like, but she's good. Like they're happy.
Rachel
She's on thin ice.
Jordan
Yeah, we know what you've done. We Know what you're up to. So that's basically what we said. We were like, we, we know you're, you know, we know your history. Don't do anything. And then you kept her on for a while.
Rachel
Nice. And then she eventually, obviously, you know, choked my mother in law to death. She actually ended up selling my stepmother's kidneys on the black market. But she told them they were from a youthful shooter. So then she got killed by the cartel because they were expecting a child's kidneys. It's all right. But that's so funny to be like, ah, she's pretty good.
Jordan
Yeah.
Rachel
And you know what people do need? Chicken.
Jordan
Chicken. Catch a tory.
Rachel
Yeah. Honestly, if someone was addicted to shit and then got their life and they looked really fucked up in the mug shot and they looked good now. Yeah, I think I. And they were great at the job. I do think you kind. If they looked exactly the same and they were being weird already, I'd be like, all right, yeah, sorry, but you know, people need second chances.
Jordan
Exactly. That's what I said. But turn over a new leaf.
Rachel
Give her a shot. But finding, getting the, Getting a text that the woman that's in the home with your elderly father every day like this, that's not a great text to get. Well, good for her, right? But anyway, returning to this guy's call, I would say, first of all, here's what's going on. Your sister is completely overwhelmed with how much it takes to care for an old person. And she's grasping at straws and. And now she's like, fuck, how do I. I don't want to do this bullshit. Could we hire someone? I don't wanna pay the money. It's like, what about my brother who my dad molested? What if I could guilt him into changing a diaper every once in a while so I could go to fucking samba class or whatever the fuck. Because like right now, even, like, my mom's dealing with this with, you know, my grandma, she's old as fuck and my mom has to be her care. Like. And I've even offered to be like, do you want. My mom just doesn't want a random person in her house. She's like, look, I'm still young enough, I can still handle it. But I've offered, like, we'll pay for somebody. Like, we'll get somebody. And it's. I don't know, I guess my mom just. People get stuck in patterns that they just know I might just have to force it on her this year because she Cares after my nephew. Basically her whole life has now become babysitter or babysitter of an old woman or a baby or literal baby. But it takes a lot like looking at and I think America's real. Dude, we're going to be really fucked when all these fucking boomers, all these boomers keep voting to keep themselves healthy and have resources. And it's like soon you're about to be so fucking old you're going to drink, they're going to drain all the, they're going to have to sell those houses to get fucking around the clock care because this shit, it's, it's a lot. So I think what's going on here is your sister is up against the wall, right? Needs help. Nope. Your dad's a piece of shit. So no one, he doesn't have community or friends or you're this literal kid who doesn't want to see him. So who the fuck else is going to want to deal with his fuck. Like that's the thing. The checks come due for pieces of shit and this is coming due and it would be nice if it only affected your dad, but it's clearly affecting your sister. I think ultimately I don't know what your relationship is to your sister. I think it's pretty fucked up and manipulative of someone to try and force them to make amends with the person that abused them so badly that this guy said he moved out at 13.
Jordan
Thirteen? Yeah.
Rachel
Where the fuck did you go? Yeah, I mean what the fuck are you talking about? And also what the hell is his mom up to if his fucking abusive dad got custody? That's fucking nuts, dude. They never give a fucking man custody. His mom must have been a real fucking piece of shit or I don't know, dad or something. I don't know. Sorry, I don't know. I don't. Maybe something I'm. My guess is tragedy.
Jordan
He's got to bring the sister to his side and let this guy rot.
Rachel
Yeah, I think, I think the point is, I don't know, is your sister a reasonable person? I don't know what the going on
Jordan
here, but it's true. It's not something that one person can take on and you're just going to be scrambling for who else. Can I dump some of this?
Rachel
Yeah, exactly, exactly. And, but this is not your issue. Like if you have you gotten lucky in the now, even though you're a fucking 40 year old man now, you're still the baby of the family. So do your, your fucking siblings like take Care of most that other shit or do you have to get in?
Jordan
Yeah, now that he's. He's. He lives down in Maryland now, like 15 minutes away from my brother. He's at an assisted living facility. So. Yeah, I mean, nice. I was visiting him every week while he was living with the convicted meth head.
Co-host 1
Yeah, yeah,
Rachel
sure.
Jordan
Making sure she hadn't, you know, stolen the hubcaps, but. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that was. I mean, that was like a two year stint. I was going to visit him every week.
Rachel
Oh, wow. Was you? Connecticut.
Jordan
In, In Rockland County.
Rachel
So nearby.
Jordan
Yeah. It's not fun, man.
Rachel
So, yeah, that's my read of the situation is your sister's desperate. This is a lot of work.
Jordan
Yeah.
Rachel
And at the same time, though, I do empathize with her. If it's. If there's one person whose problem this is not, it's you.
Jordan
Yeah.
Rachel
And listen, if, if, if your dad would say to you I'm. I was a piece of shit, I'm really sorry I fucked up so bad. I'd like for you to, you know, if he wasn't like, I don't want you to help me. I would just like to spend. If your dad reached out to you, he was like, I'm so sorry. I'd love to be a part of your life in any capacity that's comfortable for you. It's totally up to you. I realize I fucked up and, oh, by the way, it will never make up for what I did. But I want you to know that when I pass, you get X amount of dollars and you have all. If your dad did that and you had it in writing, by the way, that you're getting money because right now this poor bas is being this gullible idiot. Sorry, man. I don't think you're an idiot. I think you're a gullible person who's abused and probably your pattern is sort of like guilt is really working on you and your sister is keying in on that. And I think it's actually really cruel of her to do that. She doesn't even. He's like, now she knows that if he was. If she just appealed to a sense of justice, he would never help his fucking dickhead dad.
Jordan
Right.
Rachel
And she probably knows that her dad is never going to fully apologize, so she has no way to like, appeal to his, like, sense of wanting to reconcile. So she knows the most powerful. Just like everything else, this guy's material conditions. We had Jabouki on and he said you can either choose dignity or Money in capitalism. And it's like, that's what she's appealing to you now? She's like, well, I know he's got loans and I'm gonna. Maybe he can trade his dignity, even though he made a principal stand to get away from this abuser. What if I pretended like he might pay his student loans off? Cuz your fucking sister. Your sister doesn't know what's in the will. You don't even know. So if I wouldn't even consider it unless I got a real number in writing, and even then, I think this money is not worth it. You don't know how much it is. Maybe if it was a guaranteed huge lump sum. Maybe you don't even know what's in the will. You don't. You can't trust that that's what's going to stay in the will. These people. Go ahead, Eldis. You're gearing up to say something.
Co-host 2
I'm just going to say too. 40,000 in debt sucks. That's a lot. But, you know, when's your dad gonna die? First of all, who knows how long this is gonna be kicking and how long you might be on the hook and, you know, just not feel good about it and never get an apology or anything from him. But also, he said house split four ways. Yeah, probate plus after death is a fucking headache. Someone's gonna need to be like, running around doing the paperwork, you know, the
Rachel
lawyer you buy to make all the fees, all this other shit. If all we're talking about is a house, dude, I would say for your soul, if this was a hundred million dollars, it's not worth it.
Jordan
Now, I'm also not picturing some like, blue blood palatial estate here.
Co-host 2
Somebody tells me this dad has not
Jordan
buttoned up his shit the right way. Aluminum siding, split level, ranch.
Rachel
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Jordan
Split four ways. Listen, you're not even going to cover your 40 grand.
Rachel
Of course. It's like, look, look, he's going to cut you out of the world. And we're talking about $800 in Kohl's cash, if you know what I mean. We're talking about. We're talking about some vintage Marlboro merchandise. Yeah. Dude, you're being manipulated. You're also gullible. You're falling into the same patterns that your abusive family. I don't. That, you know, put you in this position. Your sister is not who decides whether you have to have a relationship with your dad or not.
Jordan
No, you do.
Rachel
And furthermore, your sister is not the person who can Convince you to. I think if your dad made a real appeal to you and you felt like you wanted to, then you could do it. But this money, this money is fake. You don't even have a number. I think she's. There's a chance she's just straight up lying to you. Yeah. You know what I mean?
Jordan
Yeah.
Rachel
So don't fucking do.
Co-host 2
Call her bluff and see what she does. Be like, okay, take me out.
Rachel
Okay. And.
Co-host 2
And then be like, dad fucking molested me or hit me or whatever.
Rachel
Yeah. Yeah.
Co-host 2
And you know, she probably knows at the very least I should fucking get this money. But if you want to take me out, I don't give a fuck.
Rachel
I don't fuck.
Co-host 2
I hate him.
Rachel
I hate him. He's a piece of shit. He rot.
Jordan
Make sure you got. Make sure you got home homeowners insurance. Torch the place with him in it.
Rachel
Yeah.
Jordan
Two birds, one stone.
Rachel
I like that a lot. Yeah. Commit insurance fraud and murder your. Now that's not our. For legal reasons, that's not our official advice. But consider all your options.
Co-host 2
What a humorous, satirical solution that is.
Rachel
What a satirical humorous non real crazy. Right? It would be crazy to do. Do not look up faulty wiring in the types of homes that your father lives in and try and recreate it. All.
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Host: Stavros Halkias
Guest: Doug Smith
Date: May 28, 2026
This Patreon bonus episode of Stavvy’s World, hosted by Stavros Halkias with guest Doug Smith, dives into a heavy, yet darkly comedic, listener call focused on family, trauma, elder care, and the ethics of reconciling with abusive parents for money. The conversation blends gut-punching real talk about family obligations with trademark irreverence, absurd tangents, and advice that walks the line between sincere and brutally honest. The hosts analyze the emotional and practical consequences of returning to a toxic parent’s orbit—even for a potential inheritance—and expose uncomfortable realities about American elder care, complicated sibling dynamics, and the price of dignity.
"You do know. You're just in the exact situation that makes you... revert into being a nervous ass little kid whose fucking drunk dad might fucking give him a black eye. So you're scared again? … You got to tell your sister to fuck off here, in my personal opinion." (03:10)
"Yeah, they found out my dad's caretaker was a convicted felon." (03:45)
“If there's one person whose problem this is not, it's you.” (12:11)
"The checks come due for pieces of shit and this is coming due, and it would be nice if it only affected your dad, but it's clearly affecting your sister." (09:53)
"I'm also not picturing some like, blue blood palatial estate here... Split four ways? Listen, you're not even going to cover your $40 grand." – Jordan (15:08–15:24)
“This money is fake. You don't even have a number. I think she's... there's a chance she's just straight up lying to you.” (16:06)
“Call her bluff and see what she does. Be like, okay, take me out [of the will]... If you want to take me out, I don't give a fuck. I hate him. Let him rot.” (16:22–16:36)
“For your soul, if this was $100 million, it's not worth it.” (14:56)
Takeaway:
The hosts’ unified advice: Eldis is under no moral obligation to reenter his abuser’s orbit or be manipulated by guilt or vague promises of inheritance. Family members often weaponize guilt to dodge their own fatigue, and in the end, “choosing dignity over money” is almost always worth it—especially when the promised money is speculative. If the abusive parent wants real reconciliation, it must come with a sincere apology, on Eldis’ terms, and not as a transactional quid-pro-quo. The pod blends genuine empathy with blunt, hilarious skepticism—stressing: No amount of “vintage Marlboro merchandise” is worth sacrificing your mental health.
Listeners are reminded with satire and sincerity: you get to decide who is in your life, not guilt or “Kohl’s cash.”