Walking Through Anxiety: Faith, Marriage, and Mental Health with Shawn & Jill Johnson

Summary

Podcast Summary

Podcast: Stay True with Madison Prewett Troutt
Episode: Walking Through Anxiety: Faith, Marriage, and Mental Health with Shawn & Jill Johnson
Date: February 2, 2026
Host: Madison Prewett Troutt
Guests: Shawn & Jill Johnson (Red Rocks Church), Grant Troutt (co-host, Madison’s husband)

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Episode Overview

This heartfelt episode explores how faith, vulnerability, marriage, and leadership intersect with anxiety and mental health. Madison and Grant Troutt welcome Pastor Shawn and Jill Johnson, who lead Red Rocks Church, for an honest conversation about Shawn’s journey through addiction, suicidal thoughts, pastoral leadership, a devastating health diagnosis, and the day-to-day fight for hope. Both Shawn and Jill share their testimonies and offer practical encouragement and wisdom, especially for those battling or supporting loved ones with anxiety.

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Major Discussion Points & Insights

1. Contrasting Testimonies: From Addiction to Ministry & Faithful Upbringing

• Shawn’s Early Life & Faith Journey

  • Raised by a teenage mother, experienced abandonment and trauma (03:13)
  • “My mom had me when she was 17. She was a heroin addict. … She put me in a car seat and put me on a stranger's porch … and went and jumped off a bridge.” — Shawn Johnson (03:16)
  • Grew up in dysfunctional environments; eventually introduced to church and Jesus.
  • Struggled with addiction in early adulthood; contemplated suicide at 24, but recalled the message of heaven and hell from childhood church, which prompted him to reach out to a Christian friend and begin his faith journey.

• Jill’s Faithful but Imperfect Background

  • Gave life to Jesus repeatedly in childhood, reflecting “altar call culture” (06:03)
  • “I just want to make sure I have given my life to Jesus over and over and over…” — Jill Johnson (06:41)
  • Became a teacher, moved to Rockford, Illinois—the same time as Shawn’s spiritual recovery.

• How They Met & Fell in Love

  • Random, overlapping moves to Illinois for Shawn and Jill; both ended up at the same church.
  • Jill initially had a boyfriend when she met Shawn but was drawn to his character, honesty, and sacrificial choices.
  • Powerful anecdote: Jill prayed for her future husband during the exact week Shawn was despondent and suicidal—before they met (12:50).

2. Calling to Ministry & Planting Red Rocks Church

• Shawn’s Surrender vs. Jill’s Steadiness
  • Shawn’s calling affirmed through a mentor’s prophetic journal entry (16:28).
  • They planted Red Rocks Church with a small group of friends and almost no resources (18:07).
  • Now with multiple campuses, including Denver, Austin, and Brussels (01:45), celebrating 20 years (19:17).

3. Anxiety, Mental Health & Ministry

• Shawn’s Ongoing Battle with Anxiety

  • Anxiety and depression intensified as Red Rocks grew; panic attacks led him to ER (24:44).
  • “I was having such bad panic attacks that I thought I was dying. … They’re like, you’re not dying, you’re having a panic attack.” — Shawn (24:44)
  • Suffered for years in silence, taking medication, fearing stigma, and hiding struggles from even his wife (26:53).
  • “I was also super embarrassed because I’m like, well, I’m a pastor. … I guess I’m just a hypocrite.” — Shawn Johnson (26:53)

• Breakdown and Breakthrough (2019)

  • Panic attacks escalated; checked himself into an inpatient treatment center (28:47).
  • Wrestled with how transparent to be with the church; ultimately shared his full struggle and instead of shrinking, the church doubled as people found solidarity (“me too” moments) (30:04).

• Diagnosis With Incurable Brain Disease

  • In 2020, after a misdiagnosed injury, found to have a degenerative brain disease in the Parkinson’s family; prognosis considerably altered life expectations (45:11).
  • “You have an incurable brain disease and your life’s about to change.” — Shawn Johnson quoting his doctor (45:11)
  • Massive spiritual shaking, doubt, and anger with God—but held by Jill’s faith and presence.

4. Faith, Marriage & Supporting a Spouse Through Crisis

• Jill’s Approach: Not the Source, But a Conduit

  • Drew strength from daily personal time with God, recognizing she couldn’t “fix” Shawn (35:06 – 38:38).
  • “I’m not Shawn’s source, the Lord is his source. Any support I had for him came out of my quiet time.” — Jill Johnson (34:34, 35:06)
  • Practical encouragement: Support your partner out of the overflow of your own relationship with God; send them Scriptures, be present, pray, but realize ultimate help comes from God.

• Grant & Madison’s Relatable Experiences

  • Grant also experienced acute anxiety and panic, especially after coming to Christ (31:32).
  • Madison: “You felt like Jesus was saying, ‘Am I still enough for you?’ Even in the midst of it—heaven is my home. I can cling to Jesus.” (33:34)

5. Turning Pain into Purpose: Kiss the Fire

• The Philosophy of “Kiss the Fire”
  • Born from a coach’s advice in the aftermath of Shawn’s diagnosis: “We’re gonna kiss this fire and walk away whistling.” (47:22)
  • Embracing hardship directly—not running from pain or pretending it isn’t real.
  • “Pain, you feel like it’ll never end... but when you hold on to God and go a little while and you look back … because of that pain, that’s what gives me the ability to help and influence people in a way today that I never could without that pain. … I will turn this pain into purpose.” — Shawn Johnson (58:51)

6. Practical Advice for Getting Back Up

• Three Core Strategies (55:45–59:49)
  • Don’t Isolate:
    • “The worst thing to do is to isolate… there needs to be a few people who know everything so they can fight for you.” — Shawn Johnson (56:38)
  • Fight to Get Into God’s Presence:
    • Even when it’s hard, be real with God. Sometimes worship is the most difficult and therefore the most honest thing you can do.
    • Shawn worships with his “bad arm” up, as both surrender and defiance to the enemy.
  • Pain Into Purpose:
    • “Look back and go, thank God I didn’t give up, because look what God has done through pain and who I now can help because of it.” — Shawn (59:49)

7. Prayer & Hope

• Jill’s Closing Prayer (60:30)
  • A passionate prayer for anyone struggling, invoking God as refuge, healer, source, and sustainer.
  • “We thank you that you are the God who takes the ashes of our lives and you turn them into something beautiful when we allow you to do so.” — Jill Johnson (60:30)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Early Trauma and Redemption:

  • “So, you know, that was how I ended up at this particular church … she grew up in church her whole life.” — Shawn (06:03)

• On the Power of Honest Testimony:

  • “We couldn’t talk to enough people who wanted to come talk to us about, oh my gosh, me too.” — Shawn (30:04)

• On Supporting a Spouse:

  • “I’m not his source. Any support I had for him came out of my places, of my quiet time places, my time with Jesus.” — Jill (35:06)

• On Embracing the Battle:

  • “When are you going to start to fight back?” — A friend to Shawn (43:01)

• On Living in the Middle of Suffering:

  • “This one is not, I'm on the back side of it going, here's how we got through it. This one is, I'm in the middle of it.” — Shawn, about the difference between his two books (43:01)

• The Title Philosophy:

  • “We're gonna kiss this fire and walk away whistling. … I'm not saying it's not gonna burn—I'm saying you're not gonna walk away from this, you're gonna go through this, you're gonna be stronger on the other side. … We're going through this.” — (47:22)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Shawn’s Childhood/Testimony: 03:13 – 06:03
• Jill’s Testimony/How They Met: 06:03 – 13:34
• Planting Red Rocks Church: 16:28 – 19:17
• Shawn’s Mental Health Struggles: 24:44 – 31:26
• Jill’s Perspective/Supporting a Spouse: 35:06 – 38:38
• Grant’s Panic Experience: 31:32 – 33:34
• Health Crisis & The “Kiss the Fire” Mentality: 45:11 – 52:53
• Practical Ways to Keep Getting Up: 55:45 – 59:49
• Jill’s Prayer: 60:30 – 62:43

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Overall Tone

The tone is raw, compassionate, and faith-filled. The Johnsons’ vulnerability and the Troutts’ own relatability cultivate a safe and authentic environment for listeners wrestling with anxiety, faith, or disappointment. The episode encourages listeners that pain and hardship do not disqualify them from God’s purpose but can be transformed into channels of comfort and hope for others.

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Closing Encouragement

If you or someone you love is battling anxiety, depression, or a hard diagnosis, you’re not alone. This episode offers the reminder that the fight is not in vain. “Kiss the fire”—face the pain with honesty, share your struggle, cling to God’s presence, and trust that your story will point to purpose and hope.

For a deeper dive, check out Shawn Johnson’s book, “Kiss the Fire: 7 Ways to Get Back Up When You Want to Give Up.”

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Transcript

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

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[Sean Johnson]

You have a incurable brain disease and your life's about to change. I said, coach, it's not good. And I told him what the doctor had told us. He goes, we're going to kiss this fire and walk away whistling.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

How do you keep getting back up? And how do you keep fighting when it. When it feels like you can't?

[Jill Johnson]

I'm not Sean's source. The Lord is his source.

[Sean Johnson]

I'm tired of fighting. I don't want to be a pastor. I don't want to talk to God. I don't want to go to church.

[Jill Johnson]

Any support that I had for him came out of my quiet time. Places where I prioritize just time with Jesus.

[Sean Johnson]

When we start to really hurt, we want to isolate. The worst thing to do is to isolate because of that pain. That's what gives me the ability to help and influence people in a way today that I never could. Without that pain. I just remind myself that I will turn this pain into purpose. I was like, have you ever even cussed? And she goes, I did once in a mirror just to see what it would sound like. And I'm like, yeah, we're done.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

What's up, guys? Welcome back to another episode of Stay True podcast. I'm your host, Madison Pruitt Trout, and I got. Got my handsome husband to the right of me.

[Grant]

Good to be here.

[Sean Johnson]

Yep.

[Jill Johnson]

Grand Schraut.

[Grant]

Yes.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

In the podcast studio. And we are joined with some dear friends. We got Pastor Sean and Jill Johnson in the podcast studio, too, for having us.

[Jill Johnson]

So fun.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

Come on. They lead Red Rocks Church in Colorado, but you guys have multiple campuses and locations.

[Sean Johnson]

Yeah, we have one in Austin and one in Brussels, Belgium.

[Grant]

Amazing.

[Sean Johnson]

And four in Denver. Wow.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

Brussels, Belgium.

[Grant]

We got to check that. That's. We gotta go visit that one.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

Yeah, we should add that to our list.

[Grant]

Yeah.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

And we're gonna be talking about your kiss the fire. 7 Ways to get back up when you want to give up. Wow, that just is like. That's like a little bar right there. I like that. 7 Ways to get back up when you want to give up. And I'm really excited to talk about this because one of. And we're just going to dive in, and then I Want to hear y' all stories and all the things. But one of the biggest feedbacks we've gotten on a podcast we've done is when we really opened up about anxiety and just learned that that's something a lot of people deal with. And you talk a lot about that in this book, and it's a big part of your story and how God has used you guys. So I would love to just open up and have. We'll have you guys open up and talk about your stories, your testimonies, how you got to where you are and how you guys met and all the things.

[Grant]

It's a loaded. That's loaded right there.

[Sean Johnson]

That's a lot of stuff right there.

[Grant]

We just heard bits and pieces before the camera.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

He's so good, and I can't wait. He laughs at me because he'll get home from, like, the longest day ever. And I'm like, so. So tell me everything. And he's like, I don't. What am I supposed to do with that?

[Grant]

Such a weighted question.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

I just get excited and I'm like, I really want to know everything. So we were talking about a lot of good stuff before this podcast, and I was like, ranch, I want to hear this. The podcast they want to hear. So now I'm like, I want to. Let's retell some of the things of just what makes you. The things that you've. You both have very different testimonies, so I'd love to hear that.

[Sean Johnson]

Couldn't be more different, right?

[Jill Johnson]

Yeah, go for it. Jump right in.

[Sean Johnson]

Okay, so I'll give you the. The Cliff Notes. My mom had me when she was 17. She was a heroin addict. And when the biological father found out, he got spooked, left the state, never to be seen again. So I've never met him. And my mom was just this scared, messed up kid, and she did the craziest thing. She put me in a car seat and put me on a stranger's porch and with a note attached to, like, my shirt or something saying, please take care of him, and went and jumped off of a bridge on a freeway to take her own life. And so she didn't die. I know. Heavy start having so much fun.

[Grant]

And did she know this person or Random House.

[Sean Johnson]

Random House. She was just so, like, messed up and so.

[Grant]

Wow.

[Sean Johnson]

So. So, yes. But she didn't die. I think it probably crushed every, you know, bone in her legs. I. I learned this, you know, obviously later in life. I lived with my grandma while she was healing, and then When I was 2, my mom married her drug dealer. And so it was just a, you know, just very dysfunctional upbringing. But the coolest thing is at one point she ended up being, you know, on her own again with me, just lost, messed up in a parking lot one night and a stranger, a lady met her in this parking lot, invited her to a church. She gave her life to Jesus at this church. Craziest thing. So then growing up, you know, we had a household where my mom ended up being a believer, but her husband, my stepdad, wasn't. So we didn't go to a lot of church, but she was always a believer. And she did take me to church a few times. And a kids volunteer told me about heaven and hell when I was a little kid. And so, you know, fast forward to what we were just talking about. When I was 24, I lived in LA, was not a believer, had, had become a cocaine addict and some things happened and I got suicidal and I sat down one day to take my own life and all of a sudden I thought, wait a sec, that, that lady in church told me about heaven and hell. I wonder like, is that real? Because I don't know the rules and I think I'm going to be in one of them soon if they're real. And so I called the one person I knew that was a Christian, an old college roommate. He took me to a church and at 24 with drugs in my pocket, I raised my hand, wow. And it was a come down to the altar church. Like I went forward, had my black leather jacket and combat boots, smelled like smoke and just was. But yeah, so, so you know, that was how I ended up at this particular church in Illinois. Um, she grew up in church her whole life and yeah, I think I.

[Jill Johnson]

Gave my life to Jesus at a vacation Bible school when I was 7.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

7 years old. VBS girl.

[Jill Johnson]

I love it. So, so, and then, I think, let's see, at age 9, my parents actually had been part of a church, but my mom was just looking for more in terms of personal relationship with Jesus. So God kept putting people in her life that invited her to this one. Just really wonderful, special church in our community that. And so I ended up there and at age 9 again, re gave my life to Jesus. And probably every altar call after that.

[Sean Johnson]

She gave it at night.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

I just want to make sure I.

[Jill Johnson]

Have given my life to Jesus over and over and over over the course of, yeah, many, many years. So I though went to college in Minneapolis, got a degree in elementary education and ended up getting a job In Rockford, Illinois, teaching sixth grade, right at the same time that Sean left LA and moved. He really had been living in LA and tried to stay in LA as a follower of Jesus, but just didn't have the community or the people around him to support that desire to live sold out for God. So he then moved. He left LA and moved to Rockford, Illinois. That's where he had the. The friend from college. His friend from college who. Who helped make that happen. That introduction to Jesus. He was. That friend was in Illinois and Rockford. So Sean moved to Rockford right at the same time as I moved there. I'd gotten a job teaching sixth grade at a big Christian school attached to the church that he was a part of. And he. We met actually in, like, a teacher orientation because the youth and young adults pastor at this church so badly wanted to give Sean a reason to stay there. So she gave him a job teaching drama in the high school. She was like, you acted a little bit in la, so even though your degree's in biology, you can come and we'll just give you a job teaching high school kids drama.

[Grant]

Amazing.

[Jill Johnson]

So he was working in the high school, I was working in the middle school. But then we actually met at a small group because, again, it was all attached to the same church. So met in a small group and. And I, you know, I wasn't perfect. This perfect Christian girl growing up, not true. All kinds of mistakes.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

But we did learn right before, she had never cussed when they. Right, yeah, we're dating.

[Sean Johnson]

And I'm like, okay, we can't be more opposite. And one time we were sitting at dinner and I was like, all right, just have you ever even cussed? And she goes, I did once in a mirror just to see what it would sound like. And I'm like, yeah, we're done. This can't work.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

So you guys met and then how did he. How did he woo you? Like, what was that journey like? Did you know immediately? Was it like, you knew. You didn't. You knew he didn't. Like, what was that like?

[Jill Johnson]

Well, I actually. I had a boyfriend at the time that we met. Yes.

[Grant]

Oh, man.

[Jill Johnson]

Yes. And so, however, this is actually kind of a cool piece of our story. So I. When Sean moved to Rockford and was working, he started to work at the school, work at the church a little bit as an intern, also studying theology. He would constantly share his story. His mentor was the pastor's wife at our church, and so she would put him in front of large groups of people. Again, and again and again just to share his testimony, share his story. And so I can remember listening to him share his story. And then we were just, I don't know, we met at a small group. So that's how we started, you know, hanging out and whatever, which I did. I actually, I broke up with the boyfriend when I realized I had seen him, heard his story and I thought, oh, he's really cute. And. And as he was sharing his story, it was just interesting to me because, well, later I decided, hey, I need to break up with his boyfriend because I don't think he is the one. So break up with this boyfriend. And then eventually, how did he woo me? That's a great question. He was just so charming. And I think what I loved most. He's charming. He was cute. But I think what impressed me most. No, I know what impressed me most about him as he would share his story again and again. When he was living in LA prior to moving to Illinois, he was actually on a, by the world's standards, a very successful path. He was starting to get great jobs as location managers and starting to do a little acting. And however, when he gave his life to Jesus, he realized, that's not what I want. And so in my opinion, I was like, here's this man who demonstrated so much character, so much integrity, had this heart for God that said, hey, I don't care if the world promises, you know, money and fame and all the things that's not healthy for me. It wasn't a good environment for me. So the fact that he walked away from that promise of a successful future, again by the world standards, to pursue God, that's what it was that draw me to him. And I thought he was super cute. But one cool thing that as we started dating and in time as he would share his story, he would talk about the moment when he. A moment when he was really anxious and feeling very suicidal. And it was then though that he reached out to this friend in Rockford and said, hey, I'm. I'm about to take my life. Give me, give me the Cliff Notes on what I need to know before I do. And he was sharing that story. And I realized the date that, that whole week where he was again suicidal, pursuing a conversation with his friend about heaven and hell and what do I need to do. It was that week that I. It was summer, it was in the month, it was in June, I can remember specifically the week he was having. And I was home in June. I had just gotten a job teaching, so I knew that I'd be moving to Illinois. But leading up to that move to Illinois, this one week in June, I can remember being home and feeling the need to pray for whoever it was I was going to marry. And like I said, I was dating somebody at the time, and I didn't feel like it was him that I was praying for. And so it was that that made me. So it was actually summer, the end of summer start of the school year that I broke up with this guy. Hadn't met Sean yet, but I knew it wasn't him I was praying for or felt like it wasn't him that I was praying for. So here I am praying for whomever I'm going to marry. And I didn't usually do that because my mom would pray those prayers. And so I just trusted her to pray for whoever it was I was going to marry. And so I. But this one week in particular stood out in my mind. And so then in time, fast forward a little bit, meet Sean and start hearing his story, we start dating. And then in time, we. I realized, wow, the week that he was this suicide in this dark, depression, anxious state of mind, suicidal state of mind, was the exact week I'd been praying for him before I even knew him or met him. And so, yeah, it's just neat how the Lord.

[Grant]

The Lord works things that way. Wow.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

The power of prayer. We've talked about that so much with. I mean, even his story and testimony of like, how often or. Or what? How will we know? Like, one day, I guess we'll know of just, like, how you came to know the Lord and was. I mean, so much of that. Probably so many people praying for you. Your mom praying for you, my mom praying for you, me praying for you. Like, you know, just praying for your future husband. That's so crazy that. The timing of that. And so for you. What was that moment like for you with Jill that you were like, man, I really want to pursue this girl, and I think she's the one.

[Sean Johnson]

Well, we did meet at that small group, and I was like, look what the Lord has made, and look what.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

The Lord has made.

[Sean Johnson]

But her boyfriend was actually with her in that small group. And I was like, that's unfortunate. He came to visit and so we had act. We had went on a missions trip with the young adult group. And no, no joke. I think at. By this point, I think you maybe had broken up with your boyfriend. But we were on this missions trip, and I was watching her worship, and I was just like, that's the woman of my dreams right there. And so, yeah. Wow.

[Grant]

Wow. That's amazing.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

So you came from all that and then that like that was your background. And then you just started working at a church.

[Sean Johnson]

Crazy.

[Jill Johnson]

That's crazy.

[Sean Johnson]

Yeah, that's not just like a church. It was like, you know, it was. They had very high standards when it came to what you could and couldn't do. And so I went from, yeah, I was a drug addict living in LA to I'm now working at a church where I can't listen to secular music. I mean, it was unreal. But you know what, it was probably good for me because anything that I would have thought that was fun in life was not allowed at this church.

[Grant]

Yes.

[Sean Johnson]

And so, yeah, it was a protection. All I could do really was spend time with God.

[Grant]

Praise the Lord.

[Sean Johnson]

Wow. And even that, I didn't have a clue what to do, man. And so it was kind of like, because they weren't, you know, they didn't like you listening to the radio. They were always doing this thing of like, well, if you like this band then you'll definitely like they're doing that thing. And I was always like, no, it's not the same.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

It's not the same.

[Sean Johnson]

And so, so. But what I really started to love was worship music.

[Grant]

Yeah.

[Sean Johnson]

And so because I worked at the church and then became an intern, I had a key to the auditorium and I would go up there late at night and that this was the era of the boombox. And I would take this little boombox and I would just lay on the floor in the auditorium and just listen to worship music. I didn't know how to pray. Yeah, I don't know how to read the Bible, man.

[Grant]

Wow.

[Sean Johnson]

Like when I first started reading the Bible, it was when I was in la. I'd go to Melrose Avenue, I'd go to a little coffee shop and my cigarettes, my Zippo lighter, I'd open up the Bible and like, I just. No clue, you know, where to start. And so, yeah.

[Grant]

When did the Lord start to put it on you guys hearts that planning a church would be what he called you to. Like, how did that come about?

[Sean Johnson]

So, so I, in this small group, so interesting. I went to the pastor's wife at one point and I said to her, this is about six months after being there. I said, I don't know what this means, but when I go to small group, it's like the one night of the week I most look forward to. And I think it's because I get to tell people what God's done in my life. And I don't know what that means. Does that mean I'm supposed to, like, tell people about Jesus? Does that mean I should be a pastor? And no kidding. She grabs a notebook from her desk. It was like a journal, flips it back six months ago. And she showed me the page and it said, one day Sean will come to my office and tell me that he wants to tell people about Jesus for the rest of his life because he's called to be a pastor. And she read it to me and I'd like to.

[Grant]

Yeah. Wow.

[Sean Johnson]

And so, yeah. So around 25, 26, I was like. And so I did a two year internship with a bunch of 18 year olds. And even then I was like, well, I'll never be a pastor. I don't know why I'm doing this. I actually figured I'd do like creative or something because I, you know, I liked video. God just has a sense of humor, man. So. But I was. So I started then got hired to be on the creative team at that church. After my internship was working with the youth and young adults. And we kind of blinked. And now we're married, we're 30. And I couldn't invite our neighbors. You know, we built our first house together. I couldn't invite my neighbors to the youth group. And the church was amazing, but the average age was, you know. Right. Close to 60.

[Grant]

Yeah.

[Sean Johnson]

And so, you know, I tried to bring them, but they just weren't interested.

[Jill Johnson]

And.

[Sean Johnson]

And so honestly, it was just this, like, maybe we could start a church that we'd be excited to invite our friends to. That was really it. And then it was like, well, do you have any experience? No. And so you have the education? No. And so we, we prayed and fasted. And I remember I prayed and fasted in that auditorium in the church for three days, which to me was an eternity. And I have so many notes in a journal. And at the end of it, I thought, I think God wants us to start a church. I went to my senior pastor at the time. It was a different couple that had now taken over the church. And he told me, no, I did not have that gift. I did not have that calling. And I was just like heartbroken. Wow. And but about six months later, I just couldn't get it out of my spirit. And so we just started praying, talking, and decided, let's go for it. And so we started with, we had three couples. We had two couples with us. We partnered with a friend who had two couples with them. So we started with about 12 people in 2005, and I can't believe we're still here.

[Jill Johnson]

Wow.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

20 years later.

[Sean Johnson]

20 years. Yeah.

[Grant]

Beautiful, man. And you've been to Red Rocks? I've never been.

[Sean Johnson]

Oh, you gotta come.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

I've been to Colorado and Austin.

[Jill Johnson]

Location.

[Sean Johnson]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Jill Johnson]

Realize you went to the Austin location? Yep.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

Been in color. So now we gotta go.

[Grant]

We got in Belgium.

[Sean Johnson]

We're gonna go. Yeah, that's where we're gonna go. Let's do the tour.

[Grant]

Yeah.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

Yeah. For the Red Rock store.

[Jill Johnson]

We need to bring you out.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

Hey, friends, it's Maddie. If you've read my new book, Dare to Be True, I would love to hear what you think. Your reviews mean so much to me. They help more people discover the message and the heart behind this book. So if this book has encouraged you, challenged you, or reminded you to live with bold faith and honesty, would you just take a minute to a review? It truly makes such a difference. And if you haven't gotten my new book yet, Dare to Be True, you can go and find it anywhere books are sold. Thank you so much for being a part of this journey and for daring to be true. Right alongside me. Stay True Merch drop. We got a new Stay True Merch collection, you guys. And this is my favorite collection yet. I am wearing the jersey from the Stay True merch collection. And you guys, it is so amazing. It says Stay True on the front, stay free on the back. It's got John 832. It is the coolest jersey you've ever seen. But we have sweatshirts, we got T shirts. This is seriously my favorite collection yet. This is the perfect Christmas gift, birthday gift, New Year gift to yourself. You guys, you need to check out this new collection. I'm so excited about it. And you can go to Stay True podcast dot com. We'll also include the link to the exact merch landing page in the show notes. You guys gotta go and check it out. Let me know what you think. If you rep it, tag us. We want to see it. Go and check it out, you guys. This episode is sponsored by Better Help. February can make it feel like everyone else has their love life figured out. You see the posts, the flowers, the highlight reels, and it's easy to start wondering if you're behind or missing something. But the truth is, whether you're married, dating, single, or just focusing on healing, therapy can help you create a space to slow down and get honest about what feels heavy, what you want, and what you might be carrying, that was never meant to weigh you down. 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Sign up and get 10% [e-mail] StayTrue that's BetterHelp H E L P.com Stay True let's be honest, the beginning of the year can feel a little overwhelming financially. The holidays are over, real life is back, and the budget doesn't magically reset just because it's a new year. That's why I want to tell you about Upside. Upside is a free app that helps you earn cash back on the things most of us are already spending money on, like gas, groceries, and dining. Basically, the three things draining your wallet right now. There are over 100,000 participating locations, so these are things you already buy. And this isn't points that expire or credits you forget about. It's fast, easy cash back that you can transfer straight to your bank account. Here's how it works. You open the app, claim an offer, pay with your card like you normally would, and then you get paid. That's it. Upside users earn three times more cash back than traditional loyalty programs or credit card rewards alone, and you can even stack it with the rewards you already use. In fact, users are earning $1 million in cash back every single week. If I were looking for a simple, practical way to earn money back on everyday spending, this is exactly what I'd use. Upside has given back $1 billion to its users. To find out how much you could earn, download the free Upside app and use promo code Stay True to get an extra $0.25 back for every gallon on your first tank of gas. That's an extra $0.25 back for every gallon on your first tank of gas. Using promo code Stay true. But what's wild about your story is you talk and open up a lot about too dealing with anxiety even in the midst of like from the pulpit, even in the midst of leadership and leading a church, leading a family, leading a congregation. So I'd love for, you know, you both to kind of open up about what that experience has been like. I know a lot of people listening I said this earlier, but really wrestle and battle with anxiety and maybe even some with depression, suicidal thoughts and ideation. And so I'd love to just talk about like sometimes. And that's a part of your story. I don't know how much you want to get in that into that too. But for him, anxiety and panic attacks came after he started following Jesus. And so, you know, I think sometimes we think like, oh, when you start following Jesus, like work out, it's all going to go away, it's all going to get perfect and better and, and that's just not what is promised. And that's not the case always. And so I would love to just hear a little bit about what that's been like.

[Sean Johnson]

Yeah. So about four or five years into doing the church, it just started growing kind of crazy fast. And all of a sudden like magazines were coming to do articles and people were paying attention to us and like what. We don't even know what we're doing, like what is happening. And I'll never forget this, this guy came into to do an article about a fast growing church and he started out with, did you ever think you'd be this successful? And I thought, oh, if he only knew what my day has been like. I was having such bad panic attacks that I thought I was dying. And I went to the hospital and thought, I literally thought I was dying. And they're like, you're not dying, you're having a panic attack. Wow.

[Grant]

And it. Was that the first time or was that in your past?

[Sean Johnson]

It was in my past a little. A little bit. Okay. I'd always sort of dealt with anxiety and depression. Never like crazy panic attacks all at once, continuously. So anyways, I started having a panic attack, went to the doctor, they put me on some medication. And so this guy's asking me, do you ever think you'd be this successful? And I'm thinking, I don't think I've ever been this miserable. But it was, I remember that day going, I don't think I'm allowed to tell people how bad this hurts because all of a sudden we're quote, successful and I'm a pastor And I guess I'm so. So I. I took medicine for almost 10 years. Yeah. Never really telling anyone how bad it was. I would talk about my anxiety a little bit, only when it was so noticeable that I kind of had to. I would talk to her a little bit about the depression. Nobody knew, though, that, like, now this was about 14 years into the church. Nobody knew that I would sit up late at night sometimes and think about ways to end my life because the panic and depression would get so bad. I just didn't know what to do with it. And I hadn't told her the fullness of it because I was embarrassed. I wanted to be her knight in shining armor, you know, I don't want to be the problem.

[Grant]

Yeah.

[Sean Johnson]

And I thought I was being heroic because it's like, well, I'm saving everyone from having to deal with my mess. And then I was also super embarrassed because I'm like, well, I'm a pastor. Like, I tell people that Jesus can bring you peace and hope, joy, yet I'm really struggling to find those things. And so then I was like, well, maybe I'm just a hypocrite. Like, maybe I need to quit all that stuff.

[Grant]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Sean Johnson]

Sorry, my mouth's getting dry.

[Grant]

Oh, man. That's a simple. Yeah, man.

[Sean Johnson]

That.

[Grant]

And. And as a leader especially. What was that, 10. 10 years ago?

[Sean Johnson]

It was 2019 that it happened.

[Grant]

Okay.

[Sean Johnson]

But it got real bad.

[Grant]

Yeah. I just feel like it's recently become almost okay and almost, like, cheered for to, like, talk about it for a while. I just remember nobody would say that stuff, especially not a pastor. And I just. It's crazy because I remember hearing about Red Rocks, how amazing it was. Had you had any idea at the time, like, this is what. Where this is coming from?

[Sean Johnson]

Well, it's interesting. So. So in 2019, I started having panic attacks again. So bad that I couldn't hide them anymore.

[Grant]

Yeah.

[Sean Johnson]

I was. I was having to leave restaurants. I was. I was leaving the house. I would have to pull over and just get out of my car sometimes because I couldn't breathe. And I called her one day from the. From the highway, and I was just crying, and I was like, please pray for me. Please pray for me. I think I'm dying. And I pulled my car over on A Highway, C470 in Denver, and I just started walking up the side of this hill, and I was just, like, yelling, God, like, please help me. Please help me. I need a miracle. I can't live this way. And I thought, I think I'm going crazy. She knew where I was coming from. So her and some friends found me, brought me home. Some friends that I worked with were like, you know, like, you need help. And I'm like, I don't know what to do.

[Grant]

Yeah.

[Sean Johnson]

And so I ended up checking myself into a seven week anti anxiety inpatient treatment center. And it was super helpful. They did help me unwind a whole lot of things, like a lot of childhood trauma. My schedule was out of control. I did need medication. Like, there were some very practical things. What's super interesting though, and this is what we didn't know at the time. So In January of 2020, I came back to the church, was really struggling with like, what can I tell the church? And I had a couple pastors actually say, be careful how much you tell them because you don't want them to lose faith in you. And that freaked me out. And then I realized, like, wait a sec. I've never wanted Red Rocks church to have faith in me. I want him to have faith in God. And so I just told him everything. And I just said, man, I'm better and healthier and stronger than I was than I ever thought I would be, to be honest. But I'm still broken. And I told him about the panic attacks, the depression, the suicidal thoughts, all of it. Wow. And I thought, like, this might be it. Maybe the church is over. And it's what you said. I think the church doubled. It was the craziest thing to me because all of a sudden we couldn't get. We couldn't talk to enough people who wanted to come talk to us about, oh my gosh, me too.

[Jill Johnson]

Yeah.

[Sean Johnson]

Or wanting to talk to Jill because my spouse is dealing with it and I don't know how to help them. So what did you do? And so we started finding out that the more and more we talked about it, the more and more people just kept feeling like, well, then I guess I can admit it and I guess I can. And so it. For me, it was a. I was just trying to survive. And for. I couldn't hide it anymore. So I was like, if I'm going to keep being a pastor, I. I have to tell the church, my friends, my family, my wife, my boys. I can't hide it anymore because that's exhausting.

[Grant]

Yeah.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

Yeah.

[Sean Johnson]

And. But I was super embarrassed. And it took a lot of counseling for me to be okay with being like, I can be a pastor and be broken at the same time. Yeah. And I just hadn't seen it. And so. But it was Very freeing to be able to share it.

[Grant]

Yeah.

[Sean Johnson]

But, so what's interesting, Maddie, is when I got this diagnosis about three years ago, they said that they think it probably kicked in around 2019, which would have been when I started having all those panic attacks. And they think it could have been the degeneration going on in my brain and the lack of dopamine that could have maybe, like, kind of put an exclamation point on anxiety and depression that I was already dealing with. So. But at the time, no, I had no clue what.

[Grant]

Wow.

[Sean Johnson]

And. And honestly, for a while, no clue what to do.

[Grant]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Sean Johnson]

Unbelievable.

[Grant]

That's. Thanks for sharing that.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

Yeah.

[Grant]

That happened to me in 2019. 2019.

[Jill Johnson]

Same time.

[Grant]

2019. December of 2019. I just. I give my life to Jesus, and everything was awesome. Life, joy, peace. That he promises. I'm starting to just share my story. That was what everyone wanted me to do. Just, Grant, share your story. And I was driving in a car, and my heart started, you know, 200 beats per minute. I go to the ER, six hours there, thinking I'm going to die. The whole time. And they're hitting me with the like, hey, buddy, I think you're having an anxiety attack. So, like, belittled, you know? And then you're just like, what is wrong with me? For the next eight months, panic attack every single day. Couldn't leave my home, couldn't fly. And public speaking is what was shattered. I'm talking 10 people in a room. Hey, Grant, tell us your story. 10 people. As soon as I started to look at me, it was. The throat would close, they would go, and I would stutter, and I couldn't get it out. And I remember it just brought me to a point where I was in my closet weeping, and I was just like, why didn't you promise? And it was there that I'd love to talk about the journey out of that, but it was there that I was like, I need help. And the most freeing thing was like, hey, guys. Really struggling right now. And the not, like, leaving rooms. The not, like, subtle. Like, I would fake a phone call if I knew we would go in a circle to speak, I would kind of miss my part. And it was just. It was horrible. And Satan was just in my ear. And it was to mute me. I know it was to mute me. And I remember praying a prayer two years before that. I said, lord, will you make me more relatable? And I had no idea what that prayer would cost me. But now I would never change a thing because the people that will come up and say, like, oh, you too. And I'm like, yeah, and we all need Jesus Christ. And so it's just been a cool journey.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

And you had that moment where when you were sitting in the closet and you were just crippled by that anxiety, you felt like that you, Jesus was like, and am I still enough for you? Like, if this is how it is till the end, like, am I still enough? And I think that that is hope in the midst of a hopeless situation where you're just like, oh, yeah, heaven is my home. And. And even in the midst of it, like, I can cling to Jesus. Stay true. Podcast is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever think about switching insurance companies to see if you could save some cash? Progressive makes it easy to see if you could save when you bundle your home and auto policies. Try [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states. And so I'd love to hear, before we dive into just kind of like getting out of that and diving into the book and just like some practical things and scripture and all of that, of what that journey can look like. For those who might be feeling that right now, I'd love to hear, like, your experience and you kind of alluded to it, but just as a wife, as maybe even boyfriend, girlfriend, if someone's dating someone who's battling really bad anxiety or depression. I mean, I remember Grant started going through bad anxiety, too, when we started dating right before we got engaged. And that was really hard. And so I'd love to hear, like, how that experience has been for you and just some things you've learned from it of maybe just like helping those who are dating or married to someone who's battling anxiety. That could be helpful.

[Jill Johnson]

Yeah. So I think, you know, that he, Sean described that day where he was. Had to pull off on the side of a highway. And I had been noticing for a while his panic attacks were increasing and they were becoming really rapid and really frequent. And I remember thinking, this, this life and all that he's doing, this is not sustainable. And something, I almost was hoping that something would break to the point of then being able to say, hey, this is clearly broken. It's time to do something about it. And leading up, though, I think leading up to that one day where Shawn was on the side of the road, I had actually just on my own, in my own personal, quiet times, the Lord, I, you know, I'll read portion of the Old Testament, portion of the New Testament, and then a psalm every day. And all throughout the Psalms, I was recognizing and seeing this theme of the Lord is a refuge. The Lord is a hiding place. And so I took that as, okay, God, you are my refuge. You are my hiding place. When it feels most intense, most difficult. I'm going to do my best just to prioritize a moment where I can escape to your presence, where it's. Whether it's in my car listening to worship music or hiding out in the bathroom. No one bothers you in the bathroom. Hang out in the bathroom just to have a minute to go, okay, God, this is hard. We need you. I don't feel like I can do anything about it, but I know you can. And so I came to this place of just truly constantly, day after day after day, going to my own place of refuge, me and Jesus, spending time with him, because that was the only place that I felt. Felt I would. Felt full, so to speak, and able and capable to then go out and be a voice of encouragement or a support to Shawn. And so I realized through it, too, I think for so long, too, I wanted Shaun to be free of this anxiety and panic. And I wanted to. I wanted to see him healthy and whole and healed. But I also then kind of would take on this responsibility as his source, his source of help, his source of healing. And through it all, I realized, oh, wait a minute, I'm not Shawn's source. The Lord is his source. And so just making that realization and recognize and recognizing, okay, God is his source. God is his healer. The Lord is his help. The Lord is his strength. Yeah, that was a huge relief to me. Any support that I had for him, excuse me, came out of my places, of my quiet time places, my time with Jesus, I would. Scriptures would, you know, as I'd get into the word, scriptures would pop up that I go, oh, this is. This is what Sean could use right now. This is what he needs. So I'd send him a scripture. I'd send him a blurb out of the devotion, the daily devotion I was reading at the time. And so I think, how did I support him? My best ability to support truly came from those quiet time moments where I prioritized just time with Jesus and allowing him to fill me up so that I could go out and then be a source of encouragement. So if that makes sense.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

No, that's so good.

[Grant]

Which is not easy because I remember, like, when I was going through my spiral, I would. Because she was my safest place, I would take out everything on her and almost, you know, she was this like, punching bag of, like, you know, just things because you're not thinking, you're not. You don't even know how to stay afloat.

[Sean Johnson]

Yeah.

[Grant]

And I remember Maddie. And the difference is y' all were married, we were dating, and so there was a different boundary line. And she just was like, grant, I can't be your person that. That is sustaining you right now. But it wasn't. I didn't feel abandoned or anything. It was just the boundary we had to draw.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

It was like, I love support you, but that was when you really had a mentor come in. And his. His wife was my mentor. And then he was kind of stepping in as your mentor in that. In that season and really helping you through that. And then we ended up getting engaged like a month later. And the Lord did so much in that month. But even. Even throughout, like, our marriage, I mean, I remember one time on Cuz planes are really hard and. And retriggering for Grant. And so even a time on the plane where his typical situation is like, to turn and just like, he's like, hey, just distract me. Like, like, tell me a story. Something you've never told me before. Like, I don't know, story I've never told you.

[Grant]

Feel it on planes, bro.

[Sean Johnson]

I have. I've gotten off several planes.

[Grant]

Yeah.

[Sean Johnson]

Because for me, it's a. Somehow it's a claustrophobic. Oh, totally.

[Grant]

Totally.

[Sean Johnson]

So I'm. I'm not afraid that the plane's gonna crash.

[Grant]

Me neither.

[Sean Johnson]

Turbulence doesn't care less. It's when the door shuts. Yep. And all of a sudden my mind goes, you're trapped.

[Grant]

Oh.

[Sean Johnson]

And so I have, yes, maybe double digit times gotten off a plane and said, I'm so sorry, babe. And sometimes she'll go, I have to go. And sometimes she'll stay with me, and I'll just have to either catch another flight or stay overnight or.

[Grant]

Yeah.

[Sean Johnson]

I have a real hard time.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

Yeah.

[Grant]

Yeah. Because all of a sudden you're like, I'm in a metal cylinder in the sky.

[Jill Johnson]

Yeah.

[Grant]

And that is the worst feeling for someone with panic attack.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Grant]

And. Oh, gosh.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

But I remember this one time where you. You turned to me and you were like, tell me. You know, tell me something. And I just was like, you need to open up the word and take it to God. And. And. And I just remember you did, and you just like sat in Psalm 23 and you just kept reciting Psalm 23. And. And that was just a beautiful moment of even to what you're saying, too, of just, like, I'm here and I love you, and if you want me to pray over you right now, listen, I'll shout prayers over this whole plane. But also, like, I want you to know where your help comes from. I want you to know who your source is. And. And I'm here, but I'm. I am not the source. I am not the helper. A helper, but not the helper. And. And that has, I think, been so huge for us, too, in our marriage. To add on to what some of what you're saying, too.

[Grant]

So beautiful. This book isn't.

[Jill Johnson]

Yeah.

[Grant]

It's not the first one on anxiety, right?

[Sean Johnson]

Correct.

[Grant]

Okay.

[Sean Johnson]

So went through all this stuff we were just talking about in 2019.

[Grant]

Yeah.

[Sean Johnson]

Came back 2020. So funny, because all my counselors were like, okay, whatever you do, ease back in. No major changes.

[Jill Johnson]

Covid.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

Oh, my goodness.

[Sean Johnson]

And I was like, oh, terrible.

[Grant]

Awesome. Oh, my God, the world.

[Sean Johnson]

You know what. What happened was, is because I started talking about it. I felt like anytime I looked at my phone or if I went to Instagram or whatever, it was just person after person after person. Every person in the lobby after church or before church wanted to talk about anxiety.

[Jill Johnson]

Yeah.

[Sean Johnson]

Every person we see at a restaurant wants to talk about anxiety. And they either wanted to talk to me and go, tell me how you're getting through it, or to her, how do you help someone going through it? And so I was like, wow, I wonder if I should just write something. And I'm. And so I was talking to my. Some. Some friends who are pastors and. And some counselors. I was like, I don't. You know, I'm definitely not perfect. And it's not like it happened all that long ago. And they're like, well, sometimes it's best to write about something when it's fresh. And so I wrote a book called Attacking Anxiety, and that was a few years ago. And so. So, yeah, so I wrote that one. I don't know. When did that come out, babe? Like, maybe three years ago.

[Jill Johnson]

20. 21.

[Sean Johnson]

Yeah.

[Grant]

And that. And that. What's the difference, you would say, between attacking anxiety and Kiss the.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

The fire and explain what? Kiss the fire?

[Grant]

Yeah, because we got to talk about this. Oh, my goodness.

[Sean Johnson]

Yes.

[Grant]

Intimate, yet scary.

[Sean Johnson]

Such a great question. The difference is attacking anxiety. Although not perfect. Not even close. Just better. Attacking anxiety was me on the other side of falling apart with panic attacks, being able to say, here's what I have learned through counseling. Pastors, God's word, here's some spiritual weapons that you can use to go fight against anxiety. Yeah, I had always believed the lie that I guess I just am stuck this way. It's just how I am. And I sat down with a pastor one time and was telling him, you know, I'm suicidal and falling apart and nobody knows. And he just looked at me and he goes, well, when are you going to start to fight back? And I was like, what do you mean? He's like, you got to stop blaming yourself and start to fight back. And so I did. I went. So I felt like I went through a process of learning that you don't have to just take it, but that you can fight back against anxiety and depression. And God has given us some spiritual weapons. And so that's where that came from. This one is a different situation in life and this one is not. I'm on the back side of it going, here's how we got through it. This one is. I'm in the middle of it. And so every chapter in this book is a message to myself and to my wife who as you can tell, she's a rock. She hardly needs anything, but to my three boys too. And so this one is a. I'm in the middle of it. And so the title, kiss the Fire. You want me to tell you where it came from real quick? So about a little over three years ago, I thought I had a pinched nerve. I had torn a bicep wake surfing and had surgery, was doing physical therapy and was having a little tremor in my left arm. And the physical therapist thought, oh, it's just atrophy. You know, you've been in a brace for, for six weeks. Well, it stayed. And so one at one point she's like, you might want to see a neurologist. And I remember thinking like, that's crazy. What's a neurologist have to do with a torn bicep? And so I went and have you ever went to the doctor and like they're telling you things but you're going, I know bro, but I googled it, you know, like I heard the same.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

I've self diagnosed, but I googled it.

[Sean Johnson]

I kind of already know what it is. So in my mind I already knew what it was. I had hurt my neck before lifting weights. Sometimes I would have some injections because it would like, cause like a pinched nerve and it would affect my left arm. So he had asked me to get some scans done and my neck and head, I did. So her and I went back to this doctor and I'M just like, I know what's going to happen. He's going to tell me I have a pinched nerve, and then we're going to like, go out on a date today. And he tells me, he said, hey, ma', am, I'm so sorry to tell you this. You don't have a pinched nerve. You have a incurable brain disease and your life's about to change. And of course, I'm just like, wait, what?

[Grant]

Whoa.

[Sean Johnson]

And you know, Jill just kind of grabs my hand, hand. And so I'm like, well, what's. I don't understand. I was, I think I was in shock. I was like, well, what's like, best case scenario? And he goes, that you have that we find lung cancer. And I went, because, like, my. My. My mom's twin sister passed away from lung cancer. So I watched that, you know, and I'm like, how is that best case scenario? And he said, well, at least it would describe some of your symptoms, but it's something we could go fight. He's like, what? I'm telling you, I think it is. There's no cure. And so we went and sat out in, in our car in the parking lot of this hospital. And I'm just crying and just in shock. And, you know, I'm having all these. Not my story. Like, I pray for people that their lives get changed in doctor's appointments. That's not my story. Like, I'm in good shape. I like. And so she, you know, I'm just crying. I'm telling her, I'm like, I'm so sorry, babe. You know, you don't deserve this. And I don't know what this means for, you know, you, us. I don't know what this means for our future, for our boys. And so she just does what she does. Like, Maddie, you know, this girl, she reaches in her back, grabs the Bible and just starts reading. And I'm just like, what are you doing? I was, I think I was mad. Yeah. And she goes, well, she goes, I'm not scared and I'm not going anywhere. And it sounds like we need a miracle, so I'm going to start praying for one.

[Grant]

Come on.

[Sean Johnson]

And so that's just who she is. And so we, we had. We had come in separate cars. So we left. I was going home. Our church was in the middle of a 21 day fast. And I went to the gas station and bought a box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts. And I'm like, this fast is over and Sebast is over. I drove home and, you know, I was. I kind of just. I started, like, falling apart. Honestly, mentally, I was just mad at God. I can't believe this news I just heard. Like, this can't be my life. I tell. I dedic, I've dedicated my life to you, God. Like, how could you let this happen to me? All the thoughts that. Yeah, we've tried to pray for people and pastor people through moments who are dealing with them, and now I'm going. They're in my head, and they're real. They feel very real. And I went and sat on my back porch and just went into, like, a tailspin, man of, like, I give up. Like, I'm just tired. I'm tired of fighting. I don't want to be a pastor. I don't want to talk to God. I don't want to go to church. I stopped answering my phone. I don't want one more person to send me a Bible verse. I don't. Like. I just disconnected from everything, and I just was, like, in my heart, I just felt like I'm done. Like, I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm scared. And a friend called me, and I was ignoring everyone's calls, but he's a. He coaches a UFC fight team, and he's one of the toughest dudes I've ever known, and I'm scared of him. So I answered him, and I call him Coach. He's. He's. I'm in a men's small group with him, and like I said, he's one of my best friends. And I said, coach, it's not good. And I told him what the doctor had told us. And I'm just, like. I could barely talk. I'm just crying and sniffling and just falling apart. And he goes, well, he goes, all right. He goes, we're going to kiss this fire and walk away whistling. And I went, man, that sounds awesome, but I don't know what that means. And he goes. He goes, listen, I'm not saying it's not gonna be hot. I'm not saying it's not gonna burn. I'm saying you're not gonna walk away from this. You're gonna go through this. You're gonna be stronger on the other side. It's not gonna take your peace. It's not gonna take your joy. It's not gonna change your calling. And he goes, I wanna be with you every single step of the way, but we're going through this. And then he said it again. He goes, we're Gonna kiss this fire and walk away whistling. And so it. I never thought I'd write about it. It turned into this thing in my heart almost on a daily basis when I would start to think, I don't know how fast this is going to progress, and I don't know what next year looks like. I don't know what next month looks like. I'd start, like, my family. When I. My family can throw, like, professional level pity parties. We are really good at throwing pity parties for ourselves. And so I was just doing that. And so it just Kiss the fire became this thing in my heart. We're on a daily basis. I'd go, no, I'm not gonna give up today. Yeah, I've always wanted to be a dad. I'm gonna go be a really good dad today. I'm gonna be the best husband I can be. Today I got. Today I'm gonna go be a friend. I got. Today I'm gonna go be a pastor. And in my head, I would tell myself, you're gonna kiss the fire today.

[Grant]

Come on.

[Sean Johnson]

And so that's where that came from. And again, I never thought I'd write about it. My agent called me a couple years ago and was telling me about how well they thought Attacking Anxiety was doing. And they're like, would you love to? Would you. You want to write another book? And I was like, no. No, I do not. No. And I told him what was going on, and he asked me if I would write about it. He's like, you know, Sean, I feel like you're. You're good at being vulnerable. Like, would you consider writing about it? Yeah, it's like, I just don't think I can. And then a few months later, we were talking. I was praying, and, um, I was actually just reading. I think it's Acts 18. I'd have to look it up, but I read a verse where Paul, I think, was talking about having a dream or a vision. And in the vision, God's told him, don't stop sharing your story. Don't stop speaking up. You don't have to be afraid of anybody. I got a whole lot of people in this town, and I'll be with you. I'm paraphrasing, but that jumped out at me. And I call my agent. I said, I'll write about it. And so this is really. It's sermons I need to hear every day on how to get back up when you want to give up. Yeah. Because I think we all know what it feels like to experience something really hard and There is. It's almost like there's two voices, right? There is a voice that goes, man, just. Just give up on all of it. Like, who are you kidding? I do think it's sometimes Satan putting lies in our ear of, you can't trust God. If you could, this wouldn't have happened. If he loved you, this wouldn't have happened. Like, I do think there's part of us at times like that that goes, yeah, I do want to give up. Like, forget all this. I think there's another part of us. I think it's that maybe it's that flesh and spirit that the Bible talks about so much. I think there's that other part of us deep down that goes, I really don't want to give up. I just don't know what to do. I really don't want to give up. I really do want to see what God has for me. Me, I just don't know how to hold on.

[Grant]

Right.

[Sean Johnson]

Yeah. And so that's what this is. Wow. This is the best things I would know to tell myself or my three boys. If they said, man, life got real hard real quick, and there's this little voice that says, I want to give up.

[Grant]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Sean Johnson]

And if they said, dad, what would you say?

[Grant]

Wow.

[Sean Johnson]

It's like. And so that this has been dedicated to them. And that's. So this is for me. This is for anybody who's going through a tough time.

[Grant]

Wow.

[Sean Johnson]

And like I said, I've dedicated it to my three boys.

[Grant]

Yeah. Kiss the fire. Yeah, man, There's. And there's a lot of people that want to give up right now. Yeah, there's a lot of people. Because Satan's like, hey, it's just not worth it. And so I know there's a lot of people listening that need to get this book. Kiss the fire. It's powerful, man. Yeah, it's powerful.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

Yeah. Whether it's external circumstances, things happening around you, or internal in your own mind and your own heart and the relationships that you're in. I know that there's a lot of that hopelessness and. And feeling like you can't get up and. Or you want to and you don't know how to back up. I'd love to, just as we wrap up the pod, just to hear, like, a couple just practicals. And I know you talk about it, obviously, much more in the book, but just a couple practicals of what you've seen that has helped you keep getting back up, because I. I'm sure it's a message that you know, you never quite graduate from. Until the day we're. We're in heaven is like there's, there's always going to be moments we're going to get knocked down, some that feel harder than others. But, you know, how do you keep getting back up? It talks about it in scripture, you know, the righteous fall, but they, they back up. And so how do you. How do you keep getting back up? And how do you keep fighting when it. When it feels like you can't?

[Sean Johnson]

How long do you want to talk?

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

Just, Just like, just a few. A few minutes on some practice.

[Sean Johnson]

And also.

[Grant]

Are we still in the midst of the diagnosis?

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Grant]

We're sitting in this right now.

[Sean Johnson]

Yeah. So. So right now I take medicine four times a day, and it's just to hide symptoms. Yeah, it's. It's. It's. It's in the Parkinson's family of brain diseases. So they, they say the right side of my brain is degenerating. So I take medicine four times a day. I go to Mayo Clinic multiple times a year, trying to stay in really good shape. Doing a lot of boxing. We were talking about that earlier. Yeah, they, they. They think that boxing is a great thing to fight back against stuff like Parkinson's and other degenerative brain diseases. In fact, around the country. And I didn't know this, you know, obviously now I do, but they actually have boxing for pd for Parkinson's disease in certain cities around the country. There's. It has something to do with physically exhausting your body, but your brain has to work really hard at the same time. So it's not like running in a straight line where you're just kind of let your brain wander.

[Grant]

Yeah.

[Sean Johnson]

You're exhausted and you have to like, what's my footwork? What's. What's my counter strike? What's my. You know, so it's. So anyways doing a lot of that, but yeah, I'm right. Right smack in the middle of it.

[Grant]

It.

[Sean Johnson]

Yeah. And so that is why this one's different, man, than the other one.

[Grant]

Wow.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

And what would you say is just a couple of practicals, and then I'd love for you to even just close us in prayer, too, as we, as we wrap up. But I'd love to hear. Yeah. A couple practicals for those who are listening. And this is seven ways. So maybe give us a couple ways. And then they have to go read the book for the other five.

[Sean Johnson]

Yeah. So let me give you. So obviously, every situation's different and the severity of what we're struggling with is different. But I would say two things right off the bat to do and one thing to think about. Two things to do is on autopilot. I think for a lot of us, when we start to really hurt, we want to isolate. Whether it's pride, fear, people might leave me, people might not respect me, people might not love me, people might not think highly of me anymore, or the. I just don't want to burden them all that stuff. It's the worst thing to do. The worst thing to do is to isolate. And so if you're trying to fight something, you go, man, I just. I want to get back up, but I don't know where to start. It starts with finding some people who will push you closer to God and sharing with them. You don't have to tell everybody everything, but there needs to be a few people who know everything so that they can fight for you and fight with you.

[Grant]

Yeah.

[Sean Johnson]

And then I would fight to get into God's presence. And it that. That one, especially coming from a pastor, almost sounds like that's what you should say. And if I say that in church, a whole bunch of people will clap. The truth is, though, for me, and I'm just being real, not proud of this, when I got this diagnosis, I was so mad that I was a pastor because I'm like, I'll quit my job right now, but I don't want to go back to church. And then when I went back to church, even preaching was hard. But, you know, the hardest part of every church service for me for a long time was worship. Because I'm like, I'm mad. What do I have to be thankful for? I don't want to tell you that I love you because I'm not happy with you right now. Now we back up, and we know we have a huge list of things to be thankful for, starting with our salvation. Right? We have a huge list of things to be thankful for. But getting into worship was really hard for me. Me, because I felt like I was being fake, and I just don't want to be fake. And there was a day when I was in church and, you know, depending on what your church background is and all this stuff, I had no church background. And then I went. Got saved at this, you know, very Pentecostal church. So, like, two hands in the air worship was just, like, standard, you know, which freaked me out for a while. But so. But that's. That has been me. Like, when I'm really into worship and I don't care what anybody thinks I attend, put two hands in the air, and I worship God. Well, my hands were in my pockets. After this diagnosis, I'm like. And one day in church, I made that decision. I went, no, kiss the fire. And I need to stop running from God's presence. I've never needed his presence more, and I need to worship. And so now oftentimes. And no one else would know what I'm doing, but oftentimes now I only worship with my left hand in the air. And to me, it's God, I'll worship you with my bad arm because this is the one that's the most affected by the disease right now. And it's also a middle finger to Satan at the same time.

[Grant]

Come on, now.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

Amen.

[Sean Johnson]

And so I'm just like, you know, it's that. It's that song that. That Brandon Lake and Jelly Roll just did that hard. Hallelujah.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

Oh, yeah. So good.

[Sean Johnson]

That's what was going on in my heart.

[Grant]

Yeah.

[Sean Johnson]

I'm gonna put my left hand in the air. And I had to work for this today.

[Grant]

Yeah.

[Sean Johnson]

But I think that honors God even more. Yeah. You know, and so. So tell somebody. Get in God's presence. And then one of the things that I love to think about is someone asked me just the other day, they're like, man, you've been through a lot in life. How do you not give up? And one of the things I've learned just doing life for a little bit and going through some things is. And, Grant, we were talking about this. The pain, you feel like it'll never end. And it's like, I do anything to get out of it, but when you hold on to God and go a little while and you look back and then you start to realize because of that pain, that's what gives me the ability to help and influence people in a way today that I never could without that pain. And so I just remind myself that I will turn this pain into purpose, and there will be a day where I'll look back and go, thank God I didn't give up, because look what God has done through pain and who I now can help because of it.

[Grant]

Yeah.

[Sean Johnson]

And so I, like, I try to remind myself of that, and I've fully believe it. Wow.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

So good. Thank you for sharing all of that. And I'm so excited to hear, just from you guys, what you took away and how this was encouraging, because I know that this is something that a lot of us have faced before or someone we love is facing, or maybe it's what we're in it right now, right in the middle of it, right in the thick of it. And we're going to be including the. The link to this book in. In the show notes, so you guys can go and check it out. But I would love, Jill, for you to just pray for us. Pray for those who are listening, who. Who want to get back up, who want to have the strength to keep fighting and keep showing up, and who know God has more for their life, but they just don't quite know where to. Where to go from here.

[Jill Johnson]

Thank you. I'd be honored to pray. Heavenly Father, we just come to you right now and we first of all say thank you. We thank you that you are the God who takes the ashes of our lives and you turn them into something beautiful when we. When we allow you to do so. And so I just. I thank you for who you are. I thank you, Jesus, that you too, know suffering and you know hard and you went through it. And I thank you that today, Jesus, you stand at the right hand of the Father and you are interceding on our behalf. And so I pray for every single person that is listening to this podcast who is going through something difficult that. That they feel like there's no way to get back up. Father, I pray that your spirit would just come in like a flood, that you would come close and that you would remind your children that you are there with them, that you never leave us. And I thank you for your presence. I thank you that your presence provides us with all that we need to just do one day, to live one day at a time. I pray that you would strengthen your people in a mighty way. I pray that you would give them eyes to see you and ears to hear what you would have to see. Say specifically to them as. As. As your beloved children. I pray, Father, that you would cover your people with peace and. And fill your people with hope in a mighty way. And I pray that you would help us see where our pain can be purposeful in the life of somebody else. And I just pray that you would pour out your Holy Spirit in such a powerful way on your people and that you would do something new that only you could do. I thank you that you, our. You are our source. You are our source of healing. You are our source of help. You are our source of hope and our comfort. And. And I just thank you for that. I pray that you would truly sustain and bless and multiply your people in a powerful way. And I thank you for. For Maddie and Grant and for their sweet baby Hosanna. I pray that they would see you do immeasurably more than they ever dreamed possible in their lives, through their lives. And I just thank you for all that you're doing all across the world and we love you and we honor you in Jesus name.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

Amen.

[Jill Johnson]

Thank you.

[Madison Pruitt Trout]

That was beautiful. I can tell you spent some time in that prayer closet. I know it. I just feel it. So blessed by you guys and so thankful for your vulnerability, your story, your yes. The way that you're impacting so many people and the way you've encouraged me. Just so blessed by you guys. So thank you so much for coming on Stay True podcast. And as always guys, be sure to stay you and Stay True. We love you. Stay True podcast is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever think about switching insurance companies to see if you could save some cash? Progressive makes it easy to see if you could save when you bundle your home and auto policies. Try [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states.