019. Nate Bargatze, Jeff Ross, & Duncan Trussell | Religion

Summary

Podcast Summary: Story Warz Episode 019 – “Religion”

Podcast Information:

• Title: Story Warz
• Host/Author: GaS Digital Network
• Description: Story Warz: A Game of Deceptive Storytelling features comedians Big Jay Oakerson and Louis J. Gomez as they compete against top figures in comedy and entertainment, engaging in a witty and deceptive game of storytelling. Filmed live at The Stand Comedy Club in New York City.
• Episode: 019
• Guests: Nate Bargatze, Jeff Ross, Duncan Trussell, Dr. Drew Pinsky
• Release Date: December 13, 2024

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Introduction

The episode kicks off with Big Jay Oakerson and Louis J. Gomez welcoming audiences to “Story Warz,” introducing the whimsical and competitive nature of the show. Dr. Drew Pinsky serves as the narrator, setting the stage for an evening filled with humor, storytelling, and strategic deception.

Notable Quote:

• Big J. Oakerson: “We gotta raise the ante every day.” [01:18]

Game Explanation

Jeff Ross, as co-host, explains the mechanics of "Story Warz." Each participant submits stories based on the episode’s theme—in this case, Religion. Dr. Drew Pinsky reads each story aloud, and the competitors must either deceive others into thinking the story isn’t theirs or guess the original storyteller.

Key Rules:

1. Submission: All five panelists submit stories on the chosen topic.
2. Deception: If the story is yours, convince others it’s not. If it’s not yours, guess who the actual author is.
3. Scoring: After four stories, the game shifts to double points, intensifying the competition.
4. Prize: The grand prize is Dr. Drew Pinsky's book, Cracked.

Notable Quote:

• Jeff Ross: “People love double points.” [06:19]

Round Summaries

The game progresses through eight stories, each presenting humorous and sometimes outrageous anecdotes related to religion. Below are highlights from selected stories:

Story 1: Masturbation on Religious Holidays

• Narrator: Duncan Trussell
• Summary: A controversial story about abstaining from masturbation during Christmas and Easter out of respect for divine oversight.
• Interactions: Jeff Ross attempts to link the story to himself, while Nate Bargatze and Big J. Oakerson discuss their experiences.

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. Drew Pinsky: “I did this as a kid. I would not jerk off on Christmas.” [11:14]
• Jeff Ross: “Don't fuck with alopecia people about that.” [08:25]

Story 2: Telling a Holocaust Joke in Germany

• Narrator: Louis J. Gomez
• Summary: The tale revolves around the repercussions of making a Holocaust joke in Germany, highlighting cultural sensitivities and legal implications.
• Interactions: Jeff Ross is quickly identified as the likely author due to his bold comedy style.

Notable Quotes:

• Jeff Ross: “I've told Holocaust jokes in many countries.” [23:12]
• Big J. Oakerson: “What's the point of us writing it down...” [22:28]

Story 3: Neighbors Luring into a Religious Cult

• Narrator: Duncan Trussell
• Summary: Recounts an attempt by neighbors to recruit a teenager into a cult, blending humor with the unnerving aspects of cult dynamics.
• Interactions: The panel debates whether Nate or Jeff submitted this story, with Jeff ultimately being the favored guess.

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. Drew Pinsky: “Everyone has this story.” [26:56]
• Jeff Ross: “Dianetics. Facts.” [28:09]

Story 4: Eating Communion Wafers with a Priest’s Son

• Narrator: Big J. Oakerson
• Summary: A bizarre and humorous incident involving the consumption of communion wafers, leading to existential and religious reflections.
• Interactions: The panel engages in exaggerated and humorous exchanges about religious practices.

Notable Quotes:

• Big J. Oakerson: “I didn't realize they have to be transubstantiated.” [40:11]
• Dr. Drew Pinsky: “You can't vote for yourself.” [23:26]

Story 5: First Day at a New Church and Singing with Youth Choir

• Narrator: Nate Bargatze
• Summary: A lighthearted yet awkward experience of being pushed into singing with a youth choir on the first day at a new church, highlighting the discomfort of unfamiliar settings.
• Interactions: Nate Bargatze’s authentic recounting makes it easier for others to guess his authorship.

Notable Quotes:

• Nate Bargatze: “I was just like, I'm gonna go sit with my buddy.” [44:07]
• Jeff Ross: “I had to apologize to Larry King.” [59:41]

Story 6-8:

• These stories continue in a similar vein, with participants sharing exaggerated and humorous religious anecdotes, leading to lively debates and strategic guessing. The intensity increases with double points in the latter half, culminating in a competitive score tally.

Advertisements

Throughout the episode, sponsors are seamlessly integrated into the conversation without disrupting the flow of the game:

1. Instacart Family Carts:

   • Promoted at the beginning, highlighting the convenience of shared online grocery carts.

   Notable Quote:

   • Louis J. Gomez: “The holidays are all about sharing... download the Instacart app.” [00:00]

2. Turtle Beach:

   • Dr. Drew and Jeff Ross discuss the quality and features of Turtle Beach gaming headsets.

   Notable Quote:

   • Dr. Drew Pinsky: “They have every gaming accessory you can ever think of.” [17:36]

3. MyBookie.com:

   • Jeff Ross emphasizes the thrill of betting with promo codes for bonus deposits.

   Notable Quote:

   • Jeff Ross: “Bet on anything, anywhere, anytime. Only with mybookie.com.” [33:14]

4. Shop Mando:

   • Promotion of Total Body deodorant and multifunctional cleansing bars.

   Notable Quote:

   • Dr. Drew Pinsky: “Use the promo code wars to get $5 off their starter pack.” [48:37]

Conclusion & Final Scores

As the game approaches its end, the competition remains fierce. Final points tally reveals a tie between Big Jay Oakerson and Jeff Ross, with both having cleverly deceived or correctly guessed multiple stories. The hosts humorously decide to split the grand prize, symbolizing the collaborative and playful spirit of the show.

Notable Quotes:

• Big J. Oakerson: “We split the book.” [66:05]
• Dr. Drew Pinsky: “Clap your hands if you know a priest's son.” [37:04]

Final Remarks

Dr. Drew Pinsky wraps up the episode by thanking the participants and sponsors, encouraging listeners to tune in for future episodes of "Story Warz." The lively interactions, sharp wit, and strategic storytelling make this episode a standout, blending humor with thoughtful insights on religion.

Notable Quote:

• Jeff Ross: “Thank you guys for hanging out with Story Wars. Enjoy the rest of your skank fest.” [66:44]

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Key Takeaways:

• Story Warz combines humor with strategic deception, creating an engaging and entertaining experience.
• The theme of religion provides a rich ground for comedic storytelling and insightful discussions.
• The interplay between hosts and guests, coupled with notable comedic figures like Jeff Ross and Duncan Trussell, heightens the episode’s appeal.
• Advertisements are cleverly woven into the narrative, maintaining listener engagement without overshadowing the content.

Whether you’re a comedy enthusiast or new to the show, Episode 019 of Story Warz offers a compelling blend of laughter, competition, and meaningful dialogue on religion.

Transcript

[Louis J. Gomez]

The holidays are all about sharing with family. Meals, couches, stories, Grandma's secret pecan pie recipe. And now you can also share a cart. With Instacart family carts, everyone can add what they want to one group cart from wherever they are. So you don't have to go from room to room to find out who wants cranberry sauce or whether you should get mini marshmallows for the yams or collecting votes for sugar cookies versus shortbread. Just share a cartoon and then share the meals in the moments. Download the Instacart app and get delivery in as fast as 30 minutes. Plus enjoy free delivery on your first three orders. Service fees and terms apply.

[Big J. Okerson]

Fill her up.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

You're listening to the Cast Digital Network.

[Nate Bargatze]

Skagfest, how are we feeling?

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

No, no, no, no. I said Skagfest, how are we feeling.

[Jeff Ross]

It' with your hosts, the story Warriors.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Big J. Okerson and Louis J. Gomez.

[Jeff Ross]

What's up, everybody? It's Gangfest. Welcome to Story Wars. We are your story Warriors, Big J Okerson and Louis J. Gomez, everybody.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Are you guys ready for war? Shout out to all of the people watching@mint comedy.com and shout out to the many more that have stolen this stream and posted it to our Reddit.

[Jeff Ross]

Is that happening?

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Oh, yeah, it's happening. Oh, yeah. There's a whole discord specifically about stealing Skank Fest Mint Comedy streams. I'm pretty sure they're doxing the CEO of Mint Comedy as we speak. You do not want to go after the the Legion of Skanks subreddit. They will fucking win. Trust me.

[Jeff Ross]

I didn't know we knew so many computer nerds. God damn. We have an amazing lineup on the show today. But first, a very rare treat. Louis, am I right?

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Jeff Ross]

Well, tell them it.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Oh, well, I thought you were going to say it.

[Jeff Ross]

Well, I thought we were doing like a two man thing.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

All right, guys. All right.

[Jeff Ross]

Have we got some fun for you guys.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

So today we have a very special guest narrator. Since we're at Skank Fest, we have so many amazing people here, we wanted to include him. We fucking love this guy. He's been on the show many a times. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the one and only Dr. Drew.

[Duncan Trussell]

So happy to be here with the skanks.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Come on.

[Duncan Trussell]

And nothing skankier than a religion topic.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Yes, that is the topic. The topic today is religion.

[Jeff Ross]

Today's stories are religion. And we have an amazing panel of comics up here to play the game with us. Everybody. Our first. You know him from the Midnight gospel. Everyone put your hands together for the legend, Mr. Duncan Trussell.

[Big J. Okerson]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

And our second competitor today, trying to take our book away from us. You know him as the roast master general himself. Put your hands together for Jeff Ross.

[Jeff Ross]

We gotta raise the ante every day. Our third and final contestant in today's story. Wars, everybody. He happened to pop into town so he could hang out with us. Make some noise right now for Nate Bargazzi, everybody.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Nate, have you ever seen so many people?

[Jeff Ross]

This must be pretty crazy for you.

[Unknown]

I was thinking, like, was skank. I was talking to Julian on the way down. I was like, a skank fest. If y'all were like, hey, can we do it at this strip? And Vegas was like, what about the old part? You go, all right, we'll go down there. Discrete.

[Jeff Ross]

The time forgot.

[Unknown]

Yeah, you're like the wind. Can we go to the wind? They go, look, we got a pretty cool old part now.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

We wouldn't. We wouldn't fit in in the wind. We wouldn't fit in anywhere else. Downtown is the fucking sketchiest part of Vegas. This is where it's at, baby boy. We get crazy, dude. Some of these people might just live here and become street performers.

[Jeff Ross]

Very, very possible. Real quick explanation of the game, everybody. All five people on this panel, with the exception of Dr. Drew, of course, have submitted stories on today's topic, which is religion. Dr. Drew is going to read the stories off one at a time. If it's your story, you're the only person who knows that it is your job to fool everybody to think it's not yours. And if it's not your story, it's your job to try to guess whose story it is. When you have your final answer, you write it down on the whiteboard. Once you write it down on the board, that is your final answer. And it gets pretty exciting because we do eight stories. And after four, the game flips to double points.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

I love it.

[Jeff Ross]

People love double points.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

We love double points here on the show, folks.

[Jeff Ross]

And today we have our course. Playing for the grand Prize will be Dr. Drew Pinsky's book Cracked.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's a good book.

[Jeff Ross]

Life on the edge in a rehab clinic, but it says in very light gray with Todd Gold. But him, he's not getting the credit.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, he's good, too. He's a good guy. But that's my favorite book I ever wrote, so there you go.

[Nate Bargatze]

Did I see it?

[Jeff Ross]

Absolutely. Oh, don't shit on it.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's not going to go. He will on it.

[Jeff Ross]

Don't worry.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

You know, we are. We're not giving up our book to these. Our book to these losers. Are you out of your mind? They wish.

[Nate Bargatze]

And then I licked Adam Carolla's asshole for 40.

[Jeff Ross]

Oh, my.

[Nate Bargatze]

Really? Page 47. All right.

[Jeff Ross]

Dr. Drew, a collection of erotic fan fiction.

[Nate Bargatze]

What's it about? For real, Doc?

[Duncan Trussell]

It's a fictionalized story about things I experience treating patients. So I sort of distort it a little bit. So you can't really.

[Nate Bargatze]

Dr. Drew helped me with my alopecia early on.

[Duncan Trussell]

I did.

[Nate Bargatze]

I thought I was transforming into Bruce Willis at first, and he's like, no, you have alopecia. And I was like, no, I'm fine. And then my eyebrows fell out, and I was like, oh, I think he's.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Well, how exactly did he help you? Because, Jeff, I'm looking at you.

[Nate Bargatze]

He made me realize that whatever it was, was gonna be and that I would be okay. And he sent me to an amazing research doctor to make sure that I was healthy. And Dr. Drew's a legend in my life.

[Duncan Trussell]

I sent him to Yale. They just done some research on this. And like you said, you can see.

[Nate Bargatze]

You see him now I have three. Now I have half an eyebrow on one side and a complete eyebrow on. Thanks to the doctor that Dr. Drew sent me to.

[Jeff Ross]

I would call you GI Jane, too, but I don't want to get slapped in the fucking face. Do not fuck with alopecia people about that.

[Nate Bargatze]

It was between me and Jada for that part.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

And you're actually more attractive than Jada Pinkett Smith.

[Jeff Ross]

True. That.

[Nate Bargatze]

Personality alone, that makes me feel really good.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah. I want to thank Dr. Drew, too.

[Duncan Trussell]

Jesus.

[Big J. Okerson]

Dr. Drew writes all of my Oxy, Xanax prescriptions whenever I need it. Thank you, Dr. Drew.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, Louis looked at me longing leg.

[Jeff Ross]

Really?

[Duncan Trussell]

You can get that shit for me.

[Big J. Okerson]

Whatever you need.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Dr. Drew is going to do my first finger up the butt thing.

[Jeff Ross]

That's weird. You've already had two guns up your ass.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Shut up, dude. I've had one gun up my ass. I'm going to have another gun up my ass, too, tomorrow.

[Jeff Ross]

Nate.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Welcome to Skank Fest.

[Unknown]

It hasn't changed.

[Nate Bargatze]

Dr. Drew at the midnight show is going to be offering free prostate checks.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Yeah, Dr. Drew offered to do my first prostate check on Legion of Skanks Live.

[Nate Bargatze]

Really?

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Yeah. Fact. You know what, Dr. Drew? We have nothing planned for tonight's show.

[Unknown]

Yeah, and if you could you check.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

My asshole to make sure it's okay for Jay to put the gun in my asshole.

[Jeff Ross]

Tomorrow. Yeah.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

And is there a chance that. Is there a chance that it's not okay? Because you find something in there to be like, hey, Jay, maybe this is not the time to put a gun in his ass.

[Jeff Ross]

Dr. Drew, would you run full back into Lewis's ass so I can come behind just. If you could break the hole, I'll pop through it, dude. Doctor, give me the A gap. I'm through it.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

What if we give you gloves?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, what if?

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

What if?

[Jeff Ross]

One of the options. No gloves. If we could find prostate examination.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Slide it in raw.

[Duncan Trussell]

Drew, so glad I know you guys.

[Jeff Ross]

When you do it. Dr. Drew, can you put your hand on one of his shoulders, though? He likes that.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

I do. As long as you make eye contact with me, but I have to look from behind like this. Yeah.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Jeff Ross]

Are you guys ready? You did that for Story Wars.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Let's get the game going.

[Jeff Ross]

We wait till there's a natural lull.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Yeah.

[Jeff Ross]

Our first story, Dr. Drew.

[Duncan Trussell]

And please, nobody pluck these audios out of context and put them up somewhere. You understand? This is a sacred environment and the topic is religion. As a kid, I wouldn't jerk off on certain religious holidays because I thought God was always watching and it was disrespectful.

[Jeff Ross]

What?

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

I mean, let me say this 100%. I did this as a kid. I would not jerk off on Christmas. I would not jerk off on Easter. But unless I'm forgetting, I don't believe that I submitted this story. So somebody else has the exact same story as me.

[Jeff Ross]

It's you then.

[Unknown]

Yeah, that could be.

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah, that's a good throw off. I've never thought of doing that. I do have this story, but this isn't me.

[Unknown]

Every story that's funny. That's the same story I had verbatim.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Do we not all have this story? Would you guys jerk off on, like, Easter and Christmas?

[Jeff Ross]

I'm Jewish and I'm not. Not jerking off for eight days of Hanukkah.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Dude.

[Jeff Ross]

That's outlandish. That's outlandish. No God would want me to do that.

[Big J. Okerson]

My parents made me jerk off on Easter. I didn't want to.

[Nate Bargatze]

All I know is on 4th of July, I'm gonna jerk off thinking about Louie's outfit.

[Jeff Ross]

I'm gonna go. I feel like Jeff. I feel like you grew up semi religious.

[Nate Bargatze]

Yeah.

[Jeff Ross]

Where this could have been in your head. And Jewish holidays, they make a big deal about God is watching. I'm thinking, this is Jeff.

[Nate Bargatze]

There's that old Jewish joke too. Or there's an old Joke, right?

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Like.

[Nate Bargatze]

Like, hey, if you keep jerking. You know, my mom caught me jerking off. It's like, if you keep. And she's like, if you keep doing that, you're gonna go blind. I was like, mom, I'm over here.

[Jeff Ross]

Jeff, in the seven bazillion jokes you've written.

[Nate Bargatze]

Yeah.

[Jeff Ross]

Clever, witty things no one else would ever think of. You fumbled on that one there.

[Nate Bargatze]

That one's not mine. That one's not mine. That's like. That's an old joke.

[Jeff Ross]

But, yeah, I could.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

I could see this being. Duncan. Duncan, did you grow up religious?

[Big J. Okerson]

I did, yeah.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

What religion?

[Big J. Okerson]

Well, technically, it's a masturbation religion that emerged from ancient Babylon. Baal. We worship a God called baal. And, yeah, you just gotta jerk off on Christian holidays.

[Jeff Ross]

It brings a good harvest, Right? Yeah, I've been a little dabbling in that religion.

[Nate Bargatze]

Nate's, like, fumbling around in his fingers. He looks like he's nervous. Like, this nerd Nate. Now he's worried.

[Jeff Ross]

Jerk off.

[Unknown]

Oh, yeah. I mean, I'm telling you, I'm out. I wouldn't have said any of that. Yeah, I was like. I was talking to Christine. I was like, they're not gonna do anything, like, crazy, right? And this is the first one.

[Jeff Ross]

So if defense, though, it says that they wouldn't do it.

[Unknown]

That is true. That is true. That is nice.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

I'm thinking that this is Duncan Trussell. I think he's. He's fibbing right now.

[Big J. Okerson]

He's playing the game of disgust with you. I have been impotent since I was three. And my father. I watched my father get attacked by pit bulls, and I have not been able to come since.

[Jeff Ross]

Damn it. Now I think it's Duncan. Yeah, I had Jeff. I'm going, duncan, I'm right on.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

My final answer, Duncan Trussell. Here we go. Once you guys put it on the board, it's your final answer, and you can't change it, and that's that. So write it in. My final answer is Duncan Trussell.

[Jeff Ross]

My final answer. Duncan.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Nate votes for Duncan. Duncan votes for Jeff Ross.

[Nate Bargatze]

Hold on. Well, now you're making it too easy for me. No, but I really think it's Nate.

[Jeff Ross]

Well, it would be a good one for Nate to throw in and be like, whoa, whoa, I said nay. Spicy stuff.

[Unknown]

If I ever go dirty, that would be. That's as dirty as I'll go. Is that.

[Nate Bargatze]

Imagine. Imagine whoever this story is, imagine, like, God is now watching this.

[Unknown]

Well, it's not to think that God wasn't watching the whole time it was just on holiday. Like, he goes, well, no. Well, it's Easter, everybody, so I better get my eyes out.

[Duncan Trussell]

I'm just figuring with this panel, whoever this is has subjected God to a lot since this story was a thing.

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah, no, very. For sure. But that is true. It's like, why do you think on the holidays, it's when he peeks in on the thing. Wonder what little Duncan's doing in his room.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Because I specifically have this story. I will tell you. The reason is because, like, you're like, obviously God can watch you on a Tuesday jerking off, but he's not going. Like, it's not like you're just doing it right in his face to fuck with him. You know what I'm saying? If I'm doing it on Easter, that's just disrespectful.

[Jeff Ross]

Oh, you're jerking off at God.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Yes, exactly. Right in his face. Than the day that his son rose.

[Jeff Ross]

Sorry, Nate, I'm going with Duncan. I would have stopped this conversation. I'm sorry.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Final answers are in, Alex.

[Duncan Trussell]

Final answers.

[Unknown]

I'm scared. It's Louis.

[Duncan Trussell]

Is there an audio before I announce?

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

I might have just put this in.

[Duncan Trussell]

I don't remember any weird sound effect before I tell you who it is.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Oh, you know who it is.

[Jeff Ross]

I know who it is.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Oh, nice. Dr. Drew, who is it?

[Duncan Trussell]

Louis J. Gomez.

[Unknown]

I knew it. And that's what he did.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

I told them. So here's what happened. I wrote. I wrote and I shit you not, like 12 episodes of stories. On an airplane ride one day, I was just like, fucking. Let me just get all my stories in for the next three months. So I wrote these religious stories.

[Jeff Ross]

Like, you can't not know they're yours.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

I have no idea.

[Jeff Ross]

You can't be actually dumb to it.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

But yeah, that was definitely my story. I guess I won't say that again if I think it could be mine, because that's obviously mine. You guys didn't vote for me. I gave you the tip.

[Jeff Ross]

You said, I didn't send this. So that means someone has the exact same story. Why do I keep believing you?

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

That's above board. That was an above board way to play the game.

[Jeff Ross]

Completely my fault. I'm looking at you, I'm like, I'll take what Lewis says. Look at him. He's probably not going to steer me wrong.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Yeah, no, exactly that, though. I wouldn't.

[Nate Bargatze]

Dr. Drew, can I ask a question real quick?

[Duncan Trussell]

I suppose.

[Nate Bargatze]

Is it healthy to masturbate? Like, is there something you would tell someone who's paranoid that God is?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yes. In fact, there's some. Some evidence that might reduce the risk of prostate cancer.

[Nate Bargatze]

There you go.

[Jeff Ross]

Thank God.

[Duncan Trussell]

You God.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Nice.

[Jeff Ross]

So I won't even get checked then?

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Yeah.

[Nate Bargatze]

God is going to start masturbating because of this.

[Duncan Trussell]

You got to get Duncan in the game. He's not going to masturbate at all.

[Big J. Okerson]

So if God doesn't want us to masturbate.

[Duncan Trussell]

I didn't say that.

[Big J. Okerson]

And masturbating is good for us.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

Is God still benevolent? Doesn't that mean God's evil? Thank you.

[Jeff Ross]

Whoa.

[Big J. Okerson]

Never say that again.

[Jeff Ross]

Come on, man. Come on. Trying to have a nice show here. This place is getting out of hand.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Dr. Drew, let's go to. Let's go over the scores. Scores. I'm in the lead with four points. Everyone else has zero points. That's right, bitches.

[Duncan Trussell]

Jumps out to a big lead. Lewis Crack.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Coming home with me, baby.

[Duncan Trussell]

Excited for him.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Thank you. Let's take a quick moment and talk about our brand new sponsor, which is Turtle Beach. Guys, put your hands together for Turtle beach, one of the most trusted names in gaming hardware. They sent us these incredible headphones that I've been using both to play games and to podcast. I just used them on Legion of Skanks the other day. Amazing, high quality sounding headphones with a microphone built in. They're the turtle beats self 7 hundreds. This is going to be the Christmas gift for that gamer in your life.

[Jeff Ross]

They have an insane 80 hour battery life with quick charging, so you rarely have to think about charging it, which is very, very nice. I travel a lot, so it's huge. Battery life is a huge thing for me.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Yeah.

[Jeff Ross]

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[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

And they don't just have amazing headsets. They have every gaming accessory you can ever think of. All high quality. You guys heard of, have heard of Turtle Beach? You probably use Turtle Beach. I was using Turtle beach before they even became a sponsor. So I got super excited when they came on. We're gonna give you a pretty amazing deal for this holiday season. If you go to turtlebeach.com and order anything, they're gonna give you 10% off with the promo code. Warz W A R Z. Get the ultimate immersive gaming experience today with Turtle Beach. That is turtlebeach.com use that promo code. Wars with a Z for 10% off. All right, where were we?

[Duncan Trussell]

Story number two I told a Holocaust joke in Germany without knowing that those types of jokes are illegal.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Ari.

[Unknown]

Ari Shaffir.

[Jeff Ross]

Is.

[Duncan Trussell]

The answer is.

[Jeff Ross]

Well, Lewis has never told jokes out of North America.

[Unknown]

He's never. Lewis has never been in Germany. That's not.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

I've never.

[Nate Bargatze]

Wait, I can't remember if.

[Unknown]

Unless Germany's near Rockwood. Where is it? Rockland. Rockland.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

I've never been to Germany. But neither of you, you ignorant.

[Jeff Ross]

I have been.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

When you go to Germany, I actually.

[Jeff Ross]

Went with Tony Roberts, who's here. We did USO stuff for the troops.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Oh, this could be Jay then. I just thought Jay had never been to Germany. I can see Jeff Ross doing this, though.

[Unknown]

Specifically, I would think it's Jeff.

[Jeff Ross]

This smells like Jeff Ross to me. Me.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

True. That's what they said in the shower.

[Duncan Trussell]

I saw a Jeff in a maximum security penitentiary with a bunch of Nazis screaming at him, telling them to off. But that was in this country.

[Unknown]

Yeah, I mean, so imagine what they do in Germany.

[Jeff Ross]

Jeff roasted people at the wall and he roasted prisoners in prison. Holocaust joke in Germany.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Jeff should have gotten roasted in Germany. Come on.

[Big J. Okerson]

What the.

[Nate Bargatze]

Too soon.

[Jeff Ross]

How do you like your master generals roasted?

[Nate Bargatze]

Actually, I do. I was in Amsterdam and I took the Anne Frank walking tour, and I took it backwards, so it had a happy ending.

[Jeff Ross]

Back to the good old days. Eating with your family downstairs?

[Nate Bargatze]

I like to stay up.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Have you been to Germany, Duncan?

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, I taught there.

[Duncan Trussell]

What'd you teach?

[Jeff Ross]

What'd you teach? American history.

[Big J. Okerson]

As a matter of fact, I did. I taught American history in Germany for four years.

[Jeff Ross]

It's a good time to whip NFL.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's the best time of my life. It's a beautiful place. It's probably the greatest civilization that ever existed.

[Jeff Ross]

Stylish as all hell.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

All right. Nate wouldn't tell a Holocaust joke. I've never been to Germany. It's one of these three guys in the middle.

[Nate Bargatze]

You wouldn't tell a Holocaust joke?

[Unknown]

Hey, I find probably not that.

[Nate Bargatze]

I don't believe that.

[Unknown]

I don't know. Yeah, but I don't. I don't need to tell. Is there not enough. Is there not enough Holocaust jokes?

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

There's never enough Holocaust jokes.

[Unknown]

I leave it to y'all and go, you know what y'all.

[Jeff Ross]

Lewis's chest tattoo. Yeah, but it says there's never enough.

[Nate Bargatze]

It says, hashtag never again. Hash.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Never enough until we write 6 million Holocaust jokes.

[Jeff Ross]

Can't stop, Walter.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

It will never be enough.

[Jeff Ross]

I'm gonna go with Jeff Ross in this one. I go with Jeff Jeff goes for it. He got yelled at by Tom Brady. Remember? This guy don't give a fuck.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

All right, Duncan, who do you say?

[Big J. Okerson]

I'm going? J. Why, it's Big J.

[Unknown]

Hey, is it. What's the point of us writing it down and you asking when we just show it?

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Well, we can show it.

[Unknown]

I don't know, but you go.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Well, it's an audio podcast, too, Nate.

[Unknown]

Huh?

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

It's an audio podcast, too.

[Unknown]

Okay, well, this is just a lot of people standing here, so I just.

[Big J. Okerson]

You know, the reason I know it's Jay, and I don't know if this is fair or not because, like, I'm a big fan, and one of my favorite books, my favorite joke books of all time is yours truly, Tasteless Holocaust Jokes.

[Jeff Ross]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

So good, man.

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah. But time and place, you know what I mean?

[Nate Bargatze]

It's worth it just for the illustrations.

[Jeff Ross]

I've told Holocaust jokes in many countries.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

I'm giving my final answer as Big J.

[Jeff Ross]

My final answer is Jeff Ross.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

I think it's Big J because he was the first to put the vote in. I think that's a big J tell as he wants to get the voting going. When it.

[Jeff Ross]

Do you now?

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, you're voting on yourself.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

You can't vote for yourself.

[Jeff Ross]

Jackson. Jeff.

[Duncan Trussell]

Jeff Ross is correct. It is Jeff Ross.

[Jeff Ross]

Yes.

[Nate Bargatze]

Hal Hitler.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

We all voted. Why?

[Jeff Ross]

What did you vote? Who'd you vote for? Nate?

[Unknown]

I said Jeff.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Nice.

[Jeff Ross]

Jeff.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

What happened there? You got in trouble, huh?

[Nate Bargatze]

I voted Jeff.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

No, no, I know, but you can't vote for yourself moving forward.

[Nate Bargatze]

Oh, oh, oh. I was doing a show in Landstuhl, Germany, at the military hospital with Sarah Tiana. Solid gig and Solid gig and the county. Adam Durretts from Accounting Crows and Robert Klein. It was like. And Stewie Stone. Like old timers. And because we were real fast.

[Unknown]

What. What war was this?

[Nate Bargatze]

This would have been the. The operation Enduring Korea during Afghanistan and Iraq. About 2000, about 18, 19 years ago.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Jeff, are you okay? What just happened to you?

[Nate Bargatze]

Well, he.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Is your. Is your alopecia acting up? What? Is doc help?

[Nate Bargatze]

No, I wanted to get the facts right because it was in Germany. I have to remember it because I kind of wrote it quick, but. And it was like anything goes kind of crowd. We were entertaining the doctors and nurses that were taking care of severely injured people on the way home. I wore. I wore an orange vest, which was what the guys that have head injuries would wear when they walk around. And that was a big hit. But so I was used to Going for it with the military. But then my buddy was like, let's change our flight, Fly out of Berlin, have dinner. And there was an open mic in East Berlin. This is like 20 years ago. And I didn't know any better. I just went up, and it was like half the audience kind of understood English. And I made a joke about David Hassel. I go, you know something about David Hasselhoff being more popular than Adolf Hitler in Germany. I don't know what the fuck I said, but basically it was one of those. And I think I said, my aunt Bess always wants me to date Jewish women, but she won't just come out and ask me overtly. She'll be like, I didn't catch her last name, dear. And I'd be like, hitler, Aunt Bess. Jennifer Hitler. And something like that. And then I was doing fine. And then when I got to that joke, the whole audience just stopped laughing. And I found out later that holocaust jokes. Jokes about that stuff. You can make fun of the Nazis, but you can't make a holocaust joke.

[Unknown]

So what if it was just that joke?

[Nate Bargatze]

There is a law just for that joke.

[Unknown]

They go, it's illegal. Whatever. Talk about your aunt. You're like, my aunt. You can't talk about ants here.

[Nate Bargatze]

They're like, your aunt Bess and Hitler are both illegal.

[Duncan Trussell]

Lewis still ahead at four. Duncan far behind with zero. The other three with two. All right, here is the third story. Two of my neighbors tried to lure me into their religious cult when I was a teenager.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Who doesn't have this story? I mean, seriously, what? I mean, come on.

[Jeff Ross]

Doing this again, dude.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

I'm telling you right now, we all have this story. I didn't submit this. I know I didn't submit this.

[Unknown]

Yeah, he did submit it.

[Jeff Ross]

Fuck you. I'm too stoned for this trickery.

[Unknown]

I don't think Louis talks to his neighbors, and I don't think they want to talk to me.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

They would talk to me.

[Unknown]

Yeah, yeah. So that I think that takes him out. I like Duncan.

[Jeff Ross]

This feels Duncan to me also.

[Big J. Okerson]

It feels like me, too. I know. Like, yeah, I would think it was me if I wasn't me, but it's not me. I love cults. And it would have made my summer if some neighbors tried to lure me into their religious cult. Yeah, but I was so alone in the summers, man. Like, my dad was working. I was just, like, watching.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Let me just say, Duncan just gave a detail. Summer. This says nothing about summer. So I feel like Duncan's fucking showing his ass right he's filling in little details here.

[Jeff Ross]

Now Lewis does this. Lewis tries to dig somebody else after he told us right away it's him.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

I'm very good at this game.

[Unknown]

I am a master familiar.

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah. Damn, dude, I this.

[Unknown]

Hey, I could speak of Colt. Yesterday I was in Waco, Texas. I was at David Koresh's property.

[Jeff Ross]

Oh, I was gonna say, was he at a steakhouse now? Yeah, I was at David Koresh.

[Unknown]

That's what I did to corporate. It was very funny. They were like, they raised donations and she goes, you know, because the government won't give us any money. I'm like, didn't he fight the government? I was like, yeah, I think that's why they wouldn't. But it's all there. So. So a lot of fun stuff.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

This is tough. This could be anybody.

[Jeff Ross]

No one's really showing their to Lewis.

[Unknown]

And I. I got Duncan. I think it's. Yeah, but I mean, if Lewis is going to go the whole route with this. What story I have.

[Big J. Okerson]

Nate, I promise you, it's not me. Like, I really promise you, like, it's.

[Unknown]

A mistake in your head.

[Big J. Okerson]

I promise you, I wouldn't lie to you.

[Unknown]

It's not me.

[Jeff Ross]

Promises are empty. I'm doing it.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, it's not me. When I was a kid, I had more people into my cult.

[Unknown]

Yeah, but this could be when it started.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

This could be anybody. This could be Nate acting right now. This is fucking nate. This is 20 years of acting lessons.

[Jeff Ross]

I don't know why I didn't.

[Duncan Trussell]

20 years.

[Unknown]

I've never taken you thinking acting and.

[Big J. Okerson]

Swears I've never done that.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

I just touched a nerve with Nate. If you state of taking acting lessons, he will get really pissed.

[Unknown]

I didn't take acting lessons. That's you. You took them. I haven't ever acted. That's y'all. Y'all act.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

I took. I took one auditioning class and it was horrible.

[Jeff Ross]

I hated it so much.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Yeah, yeah.

[Unknown]

Y'all are big actors over here. Stand up right there. So you guys the Hollywood elite.

[Jeff Ross]

All right, one. Once it turned. Once it turned to Nate, Nate started flipping up. But I wrote mine.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

So Nate's having a full fledged meltdown right now.

[Jeff Ross]

I can't.

[Unknown]

I swear to you, it's not me.

[Duncan Trussell]

So you guys are kind of lost. Let me just say, if two neighbors approached a teenage kid. Neighbors. There must have been not much parenting going on.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

So does that or no.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

There could be a really good neighborhood.

[Duncan Trussell]

Or a really shitty neighborhood.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

It's either a terrible neighborhood or A great neighborhood. Neighborhood.

[Nate Bargatze]

The neighbors could also be teenagers. We don't know what this story.

[Duncan Trussell]

That's true.

[Nate Bargatze]

This could have been two friends trying to get you into a cult.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

My neighbors were junkies. They were not in cults.

[Unknown]

I know, but you joined a bunch. You were in bands and stuff like that.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Yeah, bands aren't cults, Nate. Jesus Christ.

[Unknown]

It's the same thing, you know?

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

That's that devil stuff, you know?

[Unknown]

No, but a dumb, weird band. When he dressed all weird, I dress weird. Yeah, Me.

[Duncan Trussell]

Nothing weird about that.

[Jeff Ross]

I fucked up. I wrote Duncan, I got Nate.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

That's my final answer.

[Jeff Ross]

I think it's Nate, but I have Duncan. Duncan's my.

[Unknown]

I got Duncan.

[Duncan Trussell]

Come on, Jeff.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Jeff's writing Nate.

[Duncan Trussell]

Final answers. Big J.

[Jeff Ross]

No.

[Big J. Okerson]

God damn it.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Come on.

[Big J. Okerson]

Incredible.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Come on.

[Nate Bargatze]

What cult? What cult?

[Jeff Ross]

That's a clean sweep. Jews for Jesus. Oh, they were two neighbor kids across the street. They were brothers. They both had the same, like, curly kind of Jew froze. And, like, those kind of smiles were like, their tongues are out of it a little too much. But they had cool toys and shit, because cult people do. That's how they get you. And I would play with them, and then they would just, like, say a bunch of, like, Dianetics. Facts. That sounded, you know, I. You know, we're, like, playing with their cool Transformers, and they're like, do you sometimes feel lonely and depressed? I'm like, yeah, guys, whatever. My mom's broke. I don't have these toys. I'll listen to whatever bullshit you have to say. And then they were. And then they got me one time, and they were like, you should come to one of our, like, meetings at the place. And I was like, yeah, you guys rule. And then I told my grandmom, and she was like, absolutely not. And then I think their parents came over to talk to my grandmother, and I think she was kind of, like, in the most polite way. Way.

[Unknown]

Well, I can tell you, you. You really showed them with your life path.

[Nate Bargatze]

I had two neighbors lure me into a Ben and Jerry's once.

[Jeff Ross]

Really? How does that story end? Probably not religious.

[Nate Bargatze]

No. Me eating for the rest of my life. Kiss Army. I got lured into the Kiss Army. Oh, that's a fun cult as a young boy, but.

[Jeff Ross]

Oh, that felt great. Oh, look at that. Let's take a look at the scoreboards. Dr. Drew, if you wouldn't mind reminding.

[Duncan Trussell]

The people, Big J Okerson jumps out in front with a score of six. Lewis lagging with four. Jeff, Nate, two. Duncan.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's rigged.

[Nate Bargatze]

Doc. Doc. Doc, can I ask a religious cold question? What's the psyche of somebody? What's the vulnerability that they look for? What does that person looking for in their life life that they could be tricked into?

[Duncan Trussell]

The cults. Yeah, it's almost anybody. Adolescents in particular.

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah. In this room. Anybody.

[Duncan Trussell]

This, anybody. I like the way Jay characterizes Christians though as cults. But it's good.

[Jeff Ross]

So it's Jews for Jesus. It was a weird little.

[Nate Bargatze]

I always thought that was like dogs for cats. I never understood juice for Jesus.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

If it was called juice for Jesus, Jay would have joined.

[Jeff Ross]

Yes, I would have.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Jay loves a sugary drink.

[Duncan Trussell]

So called love bombing is a very common technique and they get these kids that are sort of looking for something. They just happens very commonly. Be careful.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

All right, let's take a quick Moment to thank MyBookie.com for supporting today's show. We love my bookie. Whether you're cheering for your alma mater or just betting on a hunch, there is no better way to amp up the thrills than having a little skin in the game.

[Jeff Ross]

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[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Merry Christmas to you.

[Jeff Ross]

That's right. The best part. My bookie keeps you coming back with more, offering exclusive lines, free bets, access to VIP contests. So don't miss a single play. Bet on anything, anywhere, anytime. Only with mybookie.com. let's get back into it.

[Duncan Trussell]

Story number four.

[Jeff Ross]

I feel good. That feels great, doesn't it? When they play the thing. Yeah.

[Unknown]

Cool.

[Duncan Trussell]

I ate a bunch of communion wafers with a priest's son.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

I bet you did. You swallow those wafers hole. I bet you did. This seems like a nice, sweet Nate Bargazzi story. And it's. It's. It's eaten him alive ever since he was a little boy. He ate those communion wafers. Wait, but no, no, that's catholic.

[Jeff Ross]

I was gonna say it was like Duncan and more of, like, an evil. Like, I eat these as snacks. The flesh of Christ. But now you're right. It might be sweeter than that. It might be a sweet Nate being like, oh, we're gonna get so much Christ in us. Like, what a cheat. I ate a sleeve of Christ.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Well, priest, dude, I put peanut butter on Christ.

[Jeff Ross]

I ate a whole little peanut butter and jelly Christ flesh sandwiches.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Put two Christ flesh sandwiches together, and then.

[Big J. Okerson]

Okay, here's my theory. It's a little meta. I'm sorry if I cut you.

[Unknown]

No, go ahead.

[Big J. Okerson]

Whenever it's you, you start off with some, like, blaming somebody else. Like, meta pattern is emerging here. I think it was you. It's Gomez for sure.

[Nate Bargatze]

That's a tell.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Don't you ever point at me again, Duncan.

[Big J. Okerson]

I'm sorry, but it's. It's.

[Jeff Ross]

You piece of man.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's. You.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Don't you point your finger at me, evil son of a.

[Big J. Okerson]

This is rigged.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

The devil's in the room, and his name is Duncan Trussell. It's not me. I'm telling you, I did not do this. This is a story anymore. This is a story that I do not have. I would tell you if I have this story. I did not submit it, and I do not have it.

[Big J. Okerson]

Hold your hand like this.

[Jeff Ross]

See?

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

See?

[Jeff Ross]

Steady arrow, priest. Steady is an arrow.

[Nate Bargatze]

I have a theory.

[Jeff Ross]

Oh, I've never seen a steadier arm.

[Nate Bargatze]

Go ahead.

[Unknown]

Well, I was thinking priest is. I've never had a priest. We would not call them priests. We're in the South. I didn't go to Catholic church. We got a pastor.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

What do they call Catholic priests?

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

What do they call them? What was your priests called?

[Unknown]

I don't know. I try to think of a joke. They're just pastors.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Pastors.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Jeff Ross]

No, but also, Alex, because if there's words that would kind of give away who it was. Like, if it did say pastor or she.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Well, communion wafer is just in the Catholic Church. They don't give communion in any other religion.

[Unknown]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

So it's not Jeff.

[Jeff Ross]

Sounds like they was good. Yeah. You don't even do that.

[Unknown]

Yeah, I don't even know what that is.

[Jeff Ross]

It's. I.

[Unknown]

We have Communion.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Do they give you a little shitty cracker? They say body of Christ and then they put it.

[Unknown]

I know. Yeah. I do it every week.

[Jeff Ross]

Or maybe Jeff did it and see. See if he can become a day walker or something.

[Unknown]

Yeah, that's what I mean.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

That's why his hair fell out. They put it on A Jew's tongue. And it went.

[Unknown]

Yeah, but that's. That eliminates. Unless, you know, he was on his bin and Jerry kicked. And then he goes. He just walked into building. He going, what food you got in here?

[Jeff Ross]

This is a difficult one.

[Nate Bargatze]

That's my theory, is that it's the funniest version of the story, is if it's a Jewish person, and I know it's not me, so I think it could be Jay.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Well, Jay's also raised half Catholic, maybe.

[Nate Bargatze]

Yeah. And it has dessert. And it has dessert.

[Jeff Ross]

No religion really, at all.

[Big J. Okerson]

Right.

[Jeff Ross]

But you don't have to be religious to eat wafers with a priest. So you could just know a priest's.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Son, but who knows a priest's son? That would be crazy.

[Jeff Ross]

Probably a lot of people.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

No way.

[Jeff Ross]

Well, maybe not in this room.

[Nate Bargatze]

Oh, a pastor.

[Unknown]

I bet there's a bunch of. This room. All right. There's more right there.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Clap your hands if you know a priest's son.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Security, remove these people right now.

[Big J. Okerson]

Lewis, can I ask you to do something? But will you cross yourself like they do in the Catholic Church?

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Like Jesus?

[Big J. Okerson]

Like, how do they cross? How do they do it? It's Gomez. It's Gomez.

[Jeff Ross]

God damn it. I'm going with Duncan.

[Unknown]

I go.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Oh, I think the only one that makes sense here is Duncan. Duncan, you weren't. You're not gonna tell me what religion you were raised, though?

[Big J. Okerson]

Baptist. You're not priest.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Duncan doesn't blink when he plays this game.

[Big J. Okerson]

Botox. I can't blink.

[Nate Bargatze]

I can't believe how good you are at this. You guys already, like. I don't know how many of these have you done? But that. We're not figuring it out by your joke. Like, you guys are really good at covering these up.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Yeah. No, no, We've won all. We've only lost two games. It's like our 10th or 12th episode. We've only lost twice to Chris D. And to some dude who just came.

[Jeff Ross]

It was like, I saw him online. His videos are cool. And then he came in and took our foia.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Corey. Corey B. He's like a Shane. Oh, yeah. Shane won. Yeah. Yeah, Shane won on Thursday. She dominated us.

[Jeff Ross]

Dominated us.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Final answer. Duncan Trussell.

[Jeff Ross]

Duncan Trussell for me.

[Unknown]

I'm going. I'm going.

[Jeff Ross]

Lewis, this could be Nate Jay, do.

[Duncan Trussell]

You get an answer? Oh, there it is.

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah, I have.

[Duncan Trussell]

Duncan, Answers are in. I've got a million questions for this guy. Duncan Trussell.

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah, I got it, I got it, I got it.

[Unknown]

I got it.

[Jeff Ross]

I got It.

[Duncan Trussell]

He doth protest too much.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yes, that's right. I'm learning. I was trying to do what you do.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

It was good. You're playing the game very well, Duncan.

[Big J. Okerson]

Thank you.

[Duncan Trussell]

Did you worry that since it was a priest son, you were eating these crackers with, that he had converted them to the body of Christ and you were a cannibal?

[Big J. Okerson]

Well, no, I mean that it was, like, a real intense moment for me because I was raised Episcopalian and, like, I thought these things were, like, Jesus flesh.

[Jeff Ross]

Wait, it wasn't a masturbation religion. I believe everything everybody says. I'm a rude.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, it was wild. And, like, I made friends with a priest kid, and, like, he took me back into the, like, weird place where they do the, like, molestations about it. We didn't call it that. And I don't like it that you call it that. He. It was really wild, man. Like, just watching. Like, I didn't realize, like, they put it. It just is like Ritz crackers. Like, they pull them out of a box. It's got, like, a logo, communion wafers. And then we're both hungry. He's like, let's just eat these. And I was like, oh, fuck. God is dead. This is all just bullshit. I'm in here eating. I didn't know they have to be transubstantiated at the time, but it really, like, threw me for a loop. And the glee. The glee is he's eating them little crumbs of Jesus flesh falling out of his face and. And this sparkle in his eye as he's, like, red pilling me on Christianity.

[Duncan Trussell]

What's he doing now?

[Big J. Okerson]

What? What's he doing the next week? Really sad, man.

[Nate Bargatze]

That was a transformative moment in your life, I bet.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, no, it was. It was a really big moment. It was really cool. Wonderful moment.

[Jeff Ross]

They're disgustingly bland, right?

[Big J. Okerson]

What?

[Jeff Ross]

Aren't they, like, super bland?

[Big J. Okerson]

Not when they have jizz on them.

[Jeff Ross]

Nice.

[Unknown]

Thank you.

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah. The ookie Holy cookie, dude.

[Duncan Trussell]

So. Oh, there we go. Big J still out in front with an eight. Lewis lagging a little bit with six, but coming up from behind. Duncan's got one.

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Jeff Ross with four. Nate with two. It's question number five.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Hold on. Before we go to question number five, you guys should know that is our halfway point, ladies and gentlemen. The next four questions are double points. Anybody's game, folks. Anybody's game really is.

[Duncan Trussell]

Who are we pulling for up here.

[Jeff Ross]

By? Everybody's gonna want to see a.

[Duncan Trussell]

All right, number five on my first day at a new church, my parents told me to go sit with all the kids. It was the youth choir row, and I got pushed out and had to go sing with them, and I did not know the songs.

[Jeff Ross]

Nate Bargassi, locked in, loaded.

[Unknown]

We didn't have youth choir. We called it something else. We never had any of that stuff. I've never. We didn't have kids at the school, at the church. That's not me. That's crazy. That's crazy. When would I even have time to write that? I wouldn't. I don't even have time.

[Nate Bargatze]

It's not a fucking deposition, you know, it's okay, Jeff.

[Unknown]

I don't know what to tell you. I've never. I'll be honest with you. I've never seen this a day in my life.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Oh. Oh. I mean, first of all, I can't unhear it in Nate's voice. It's so written in Nate's voice.

[Jeff Ross]

Just so pleasant. He was. It was a different day.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

I had to sing a song. I didn't want to sing a song, but I didn't know the lyrics of that song.

[Jeff Ross]

The thing was crazy.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

It was probably maybe the worst day.

[Unknown]

Of my childhood, you know, It's a story. Oh, wait, it's not me. If it was me. It's. It's not me, though. But it was a story that I. Well, I'm gonna. I.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Why don't we vote before you.

[Unknown]

Yeah. Before you tell the story for no reason obvious. Yeah, I'll vote.

[Big J. Okerson]

Man.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Final answer is Nate.

[Unknown]

Mine is obviously not me.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Okay, everyone votes Nate. Nate votes not himself. Dr. Drew, whose story is this?

[Duncan Trussell]

Maybe we ought to have him actually read it in his own words. He will hear his voice. Sing it. It is Nate par.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Nate Bargazi.

[Nate Bargatze]

I'm psyched for this.

[Unknown]

It was. We went to church. It was the first day. My buddy's like. We're like, eight years old. And so I just was like, I'm gonna go sit with my buddy. I saw him. All the kids are in the same row, and I go sit up there. But we're new to this church. And then I don't know that it's. They're in the youth choir. I'm just like, oh, we're sitting here. And then they get called up, and I'm like, on the front, and they're like, go, go. And I don't know what to do. And I lead them to the steps, so my parents are in the back. I mean, this is our first day at this church, and I'm now on stage like eight. And then I'm just mouthing the words because I don't even know the song. I don't. I'm not supposed to be there. And that was your parents confused looking everybody. Yeah, my parents don't know because, I mean, there's no read. They're like, why does he. Why is he up there?

[Jeff Ross]

Have you seen Nate? Yeah, yeah. What the.

[Nate Bargatze]

And you say you're not an actor. That's great acting.

[Unknown]

I did great acting that day. That was the last day I did it. But that day. But they just pushed me out. And you just have no. Like, where you're like, yeah, yeah. Y'all go out, just hang out. I was just like, all right.

[Jeff Ross]

I guess I'm in it.

[Unknown]

I kind of knew the idea. And you're like, I'll just go up there and stand with him.

[Big J. Okerson]

Do you remember the song? Like, no, no.

[Unknown]

It was Baptist, so it was just like. It would be a hymnal. But what I was saying is like, I've always wondered if I could make that story a journey, and I never have. But it is funny that it comes out here. I didn't think that for sure. I didn't think I would ever. First time I tell the story, it'd be like we're doing a skate fair. I guess I'll save it.

[Nate Bargatze]

You gotta sing the song at the end in the joke you got as an 8 year old. Like, what was the. Whatever you. It's blah, blah. Whatever you did is probably funny.

[Unknown]

Yeah. I mean, I don't do songs in my act, but it's. If I'd imagine. I know what you mean. Yeah.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Wow.

[Unknown]

Maybe do a voice.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Nate has no respect for Josh Adams. Holy shit. Did you see that? The way he said that?

[Nate Bargatze]

I don't do music song. I'm saying that was a. Another transformative religious moment in your life.

[Unknown]

Oh, yeah.

[Nate Bargatze]

I'm just going to be a phony until I get. I mean, you know, religion for me is like. It sounds like Harry Potter. It doesn't make sense to me.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

What if Nate punches Jeff in the face right now?

[Unknown]

Yeah, but I mean, I would look at Alakuzam. Yeah. I would bet that Jeff has it figured out and he's out of all the ones religion.

[Nate Bargatze]

I'm Jewish. I'm proud of that. I go to temple like twice a year. Christmas and Easter, the high holidays.

[Duncan Trussell]

Skaggs are pulling out in front. Big J at 12, Lewis at 10. Dunkle's got 5, 5, Jeff 8, Nate 2.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Steal anybody's game folks, three questions left.

[Jeff Ross]

Game.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Okay, let's take a quick moment and thank Shop Mando for supporting today's show. We love Mando. Mando makes Total body deodorant. You. Most of you guys probably are only wearing deodorant on your armpits. You're a disgusting piece of shit.

[Jeff Ross]

You should know that dicks smell like.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Shit from your asshole, your grundle, your. The crevices, your fat. Every you. There's everywhere.

[Jeff Ross]

You have a fix yourself, you piece.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Of everywhere where you can sweat. Everywhere that has a little bit of an area where more can build up. You should be using deodorant. And Mando has Total Body deodorant that is proven to control odor for 24 hours. And they have incredible products. Not just their deodorant, but they have their four in one acidified cleansing bar. J.

[Jeff Ross]

Yes. Incredible. Five ounces. It does the job of shampoo, face wash, body wash, and deodorant. They couldn't legally call it the Puerto Rican shower bar.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

That was illegal.

[Jeff Ross]

But if you need a quick shave, it can also create a rich lather, which technically makes it a five in one. It's the Swiss army of soap bars.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

All you got to do right now is go to shopmando.com that's M A n D O. When you use the promo code wars, you're going to get $5 off their bestselling starter pack, which is incredible. It includes a stick deodorant, a cream deodorant, plus you get two product choices of your choice. I'm going to highly recommend getting the ball wipes. They're deodorant wipes that you use for your balls. And l. Literally. You don't even have to shower if you have them.

[Jeff Ross]

No, I just line my underwear with them. Like a panty line.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Yep. I love it. Just right now, go to shopmando.com use that promo code wars. $5 off their starter pack this holiday season. All right, where were we?

[Duncan Trussell]

Points are double. Question number six. I spent a summer going to a religious camp every week and trying to convince the youth leader that God wasn't real.

[Jeff Ross]

Duncan Trussell. Man.

[Nate Bargatze]

You got me.

[Jeff Ross]

Nate would never do this.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Dude, what if this was Nate's story?

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah, it was my one wacky summer. I talked everybody out of God.

[Unknown]

We didn't have camps.

[Jeff Ross]

We called it something else.

[Nate Bargatze]

Yeah, we did. My family did.

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah, yeah, Jeff did go to camps, but.

[Unknown]

And he did just try to convince me of this.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

This is true. I could see. I could see Jeff Ross specifically Joining a Christian summer camp.

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

And trying to convince everyone that God's not real.

[Jeff Ross]

A lot of people actually call the Holocaust the endless Summer.

[Big J. Okerson]

Oh, no, I rebuke that. I rebuke it.

[Nate Bargatze]

Oh, my God.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's Gomez. For sure. It's Gomez. You know why I know this? Because I mentioned God and you had, like, this instant Richard Dawkins like, reaction. Like you're like, that shit's not real. Some dude up in the sky. I don't even know if you remember saying that.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

When you said that, you know what I saw underneath it all? A desperate need for the Lord. And I did. I did they all. All of them. That's how it starts. Because you're connected with God in the negative. And I'm going to bring you home to Jesus, baby. I'm going to bring you home to Jesus. But it was you.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

I think that Duncan is deflecting in a major way right now and playing the game and throwing it on me. And this is. You guys will know this. When I was younger, I did believe in God. So when I was at a youth camp age, I. I've been kind of believing God, but enough so that I wasn't jerking off on holidays. So I wasn't trying to convince anybody that God wasn't real. I think that this is Duncan and he's doing a whole right now. Look at him. Look at his face.

[Big J. Okerson]

Loves you. God loves you.

[Unknown]

Hold on. What? I got one thing with Lewis. What if this was the summer after your dad died and.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Oh, Jesus.

[Unknown]

Oh, this is bringing up a good point.

[Jeff Ross]

That is the year where you'd be, like, questioning your face.

[Unknown]

You know, he doesn't have a father.

[Jeff Ross]

Oh, Jeff. Okay, Nate, you may have convinced me.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

That it's Lewis, but my dad was killed by a man named Jesus, so.

[Jeff Ross]

Oh, yeah.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

So I believed. Oh, I believed. Oh, it could be Big J, too, by the way. He's just sitting here playing. This Jay's good.

[Unknown]

Well, Jay, you know what?

[Jeff Ross]

Well, you know what? When Duncan pointed at me, it's Louis, it's Lewis.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Here's Big J. The way he just did that.

[Unknown]

I know what J.

[Jeff Ross]

As soon as he mentioned it already. Do you think it's me?

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Jeff Ross]

But do you feel. Think it's me?

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Yes.

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah, it's you.

[Unknown]

I think it's.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

What game are you playing now? I think it's Big J. I think it's Big J. I kind of go.

[Unknown]

With Big J because I think. I think what Big J does is act like he really flip flops. Because his answer doesn't matter.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

It's a game.

[Unknown]

Because he could write Duncan Lewis. It doesn't matter. It's Tim.

[Big J. Okerson]

Wait, is it.

[Jeff Ross]

You think I have no stories in my life?

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Here's what I'll say.

[Jeff Ross]

You can just camp.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

If you show it up, you can't change it. Okay. If you. Until. Until you show it, you can see.

[Big J. Okerson]

How excited he got for me to change it.

[Nate Bargatze]

I have a theory. I have a theory.

[Jeff Ross]

I'll show it now. Duncan, I see you.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

All right, I'm going. Big J. I think it's Big J.

[Nate Bargatze]

Can I. Can I. Can I tell you why I'm going with Big?

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Why?

[Nate Bargatze]

It's been a night of transformative religious stories. His first time on stage. Somebody else had one like that. And Jewish people have religious Jewish camps, like Jewish white camps. I feel like Jay may have been a part of that. He would be the disruptor. He would start to realize he's funny and people listen to him. Him as a. As a kid at camp. And I feel like that would be a transformative moment for Big J Okerson.

[Jeff Ross]

Can I say something before anyone put their thing up? The summer camp that I did go to usually was at the Jewish Youth Community center. And it was. But it wasn't religious, but it was technically Jewish summer camp. Maybe it's me, but it's not. It's Duncan Troll.

[Duncan Trussell]

Jeff, what's your answer?

[Jeff Ross]

Answer, Jay, Duncan, trust him.

[Duncan Trussell]

If he does not believe in God, it begs the issue why he did not masturbate during holidays. Religious holidays in particular. It is Louis J. Gomez.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

You're goddamn right it was.

[Jeff Ross]

I wrote it. I wrote it.

[Big J. Okerson]

I'm in your head now.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Yes. Yes. Yeah. No. I was, like, 14 years old, and it was Nyack, New York. We would. There was. It was just. There was free snacks. It was chips and, like, candy at this, like, that. We just knew a kid who went. He was like, oh, come. It's like our religious camp thing. And we would go all the time, and I would wear, like, Marilyn Manson T shirts. And I was like, dude, God's not real. I'm just eating their chips. And, yeah, the guy, the main youth leader, he, like, wanted to make it his mission to, like, get through to me and, like, make me believe in God. And it just didn't happen. I started, like, getting kids to not believe in God. They kicked me out.

[Jeff Ross]

Past the Sour Patch Kids.

[Duncan Trussell]

But help us understand why, then the no masturbation on the religious holidays.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Well, the no masturbation. Because I really did. I barely ever Believed in God. But I was like, well, if there is.

[Duncan Trussell]

Just in case.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Just in case. I'm not gonna jerk off right in his face. That's fucking crazy. Disrespectful.

[Jeff Ross]

Some people do that with prayer. You do it with masturbation.

[Duncan Trussell]

Called Pascal's wager.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

I'm retaining my come for Jesus.

[Duncan Trussell]

Lewis is up at 16. Big J, 12. This gangster leading the pack.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Goddamn right. I'm about to take this book home, boys.

[Duncan Trussell]

Jeff at 8, Nate, 2. And it is question number seven. At a comedy event, I saw a priest in the front row and made a joke about him being a creep. Nobody left, and I bombed. And I found out afterwards that he had been in jail.

[Unknown]

All right, look, this takes me out because I don't do crowd work.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Look at judgmental Nate. No musical comedy, no crowd work. Holy. Up there in your high holocaust jokes.

[Unknown]

Yeah, no, Yeah, I draw the line, dude. There he goes.

[Jeff Ross]

I. I feel Jeff Ross. Am I read?

[Unknown]

I would think. I would think Jeff.

[Jeff Ross]

I think Jeff is a comedy event is what strikes me there.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

It was like a private event for Steve Jobs.

[Jeff Ross]

So, yeah, something like that.

[Unknown]

Yeah, He. At first, he wrote at a roast, and they go, well, you don't put. And he goes, oh, all right. I'm sorry. Comedy event.

[Jeff Ross]

Nate, you're also part of comedy events. But I do agree, if you saw a priest, I don't think your thing would be, like, no. Hey, you fucking with kids, or. It doesn't seem like your style.

[Unknown]

No, no, I think, yeah. All the people on the show I would have been on would have done.

[Nate Bargatze]

I wouldn't do a joke. This on the nose is what Jay's saying, which is true.

[Unknown]

But if you're bombing, all bets are off. You kind of just are trying to get out of it. Like, if it's a bad situation, I wouldn't know. You just end up, like, not bombing, but it's, like, just not a good situation.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

I don't think it's Jay, because Jay wouldn't admit to bombing.

[Big J. Okerson]

You know, I've never had a priest at any of my comedy events.

[Unknown]

He got a chicken thrown at him.

[Big J. Okerson]

Hasn't happened. But I feel like this is Jay just. I don't know why. I just have some weird sense it's Jay. I don't think it's you, Gomez, but maybe Jeff. I can't imagine, like, both of your stories are about. About saying some offensive stuff about different religious people.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

I mean, it is written in the same cadence as the other story that was Jeff's story.

[Jeff Ross]

I would do this. Maybe I sent this in and I don't remember.

[Nate Bargatze]

This feels like Big JJ, you know, 101 right here.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

I'm. I'm going to get the voting going. I'm saying, Jeff Ross, this is my vote.

[Nate Bargatze]

I feel like I pictured Jay on a stool, work in the room, sees a guy, he's like, what do you do? He's like, I'm a priest all day long.

[Jeff Ross]

I would, but.

[Unknown]

But I don't. But I don't think, honestly, Jay would. You would get out of it. He wouldn't say you bombed like you said. And he would.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

They wouldn't say.

[Unknown]

He would end up talking about like, yeah, he would, like, sit with them or something.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Yeah. Jay would ask the priest if he's ever seen a black cock.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Jeff Ross]

No, true. Listen, I was like, here's why it wouldn't be me. Also, I saw a priest in the front. There's no priest in the front row of any of my shows. But if it's a priest who had previously been in jail would be at one of my shows.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Jeff Ross]

For pedophilia. Everybody would know that in the town. And that's why no one laughed. And I would have bombed this one time.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Doctor.

[Jeff Ross]

True, but this is not. This is not me. I'm gonna go. Jeff Ross.

[Nate Bargatze]

Dr. Drew, you look like a disgraced priest. What do you think?

[Duncan Trussell]

Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, my friend Jeff Ross. What I want to know is why, if the guy had been in jail. Well, I'll ask questions later, whoever it is, so.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

All right, final answers.

[Jeff Ross]

Call. Final answer. Jeff Ross.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Jeff Ross.

[Big J. Okerson]

For me, Jeff Ross.

[Nate Bargatze]

I know it was big Jeff from Nate.

[Duncan Trussell]

Don't vote against the skanks. They zeroed in on the comedy event of Jeff Ross.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Yes.

[Big J. Okerson]

Nice.

[Duncan Trussell]

Why was he wearing a collar if he'd been in jail? Was he dressed like a priest?

[Nate Bargatze]

It was for the Larry King Cardiac Foundation. Larry King had eight heart attacks at some point, I guess in the, you know, like late 90s or something.

[Duncan Trussell]

That is a comedy of.

[Nate Bargatze]

It was a big time Hollywood tuxedos. I still lived in New York. I didn't have any friends in la. I didn't want to. I didn't care. I had no nothing to lose. So I was probably bombing a little bit or at least nervous. And there was a guy in the front. They weren't rows, they were like tables. Like, everybody paid. So somebody brought their, like, priest. And I was like, hey, Father, great to see you. When did you get out?

[Jeff Ross]

Oh.

[Unknown]

Oh, wow.

[Nate Bargatze]

And I lost the room completely. So bad That I had to apologize to Larry King.

[Jeff Ross]

Larry King.

[Unknown]

Why would Larry. Larry King brought a guy. He goes, I got this one priest coming. And they go, is he cool? He's like, I'm not gonna get into all the details about it, but let's sit him up front.

[Nate Bargatze]

It turns out he had gotten in trouble, not for creepy so much, but for some kind of financial scam. But he had been to jail, so the whole thing was like. It was like a record scratch kind of moment. And I didn't know what happened. The funniest part was me bombing for the rest of the set, then being backstage going, how did I lose him on that joke? Finding out later on that that was what happened.

[Jeff Ross]

Then they.

[Nate Bargatze]

Yeah, then they lured me into a cult called Christianity. No, I'm just kidding.

[Duncan Trussell]

Lewis now out in front with 20, Jay with 16, Duncan with 13 coming on from behind, Jeff 8, and Nate 6.

[Jeff Ross]

There's some points anyone's game except Nate.

[Duncan Trussell]

It is question number eight.

[Jeff Ross]

Final question. Story.

[Duncan Trussell]

This is story number eight.

[Jeff Ross]

I bet you do it.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

This is crazy.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay, so I got a comment on this one. When I would go dove hunting as a child, who in this panel grew up in the British countryside and went dove hunting? It's me as a child.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

It was for soap. In my neighborhood, when I would go.

[Duncan Trussell]

Dove hunting as a child, I would try to bring the dead birds piled up in the back of the truck back to life.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

This is.

[Unknown]

No, y'all are completely wrong. I'm not a hunter.

[Jeff Ross]

First of all, dove hunting sounds, like, sacrilegious.

[Unknown]

Yeah, I've never. Yeah, I didn't dove hunt. I don't. I'm just confused on which one of y'all would like. That's what's so crack. Because this is not me, and I don't know dove. I kind of think Jay.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

I'm also watching Nate, but you would.

[Unknown]

Have to go to some weird thing, and then you would get sad.

[Jeff Ross]

Back in my dove hunting days as.

[Unknown]

A child, you'll be sad.

[Jeff Ross]

In west Philadelphia, you would be as sad.

[Unknown]

That's what you love.

[Jeff Ross]

Those gulls, dude, those are gulls in the schoolyard.

[Nate Bargatze]

I think I read this on back of the truck.

[Jeff Ross]

Who had a truck?

[Nate Bargatze]

On RFK's Wikipedia page. I think this is stolen from RFK's Wikipedia page.

[Unknown]

Would.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's got to be Nate. That's a southern. No, that's a southern thing.

[Jeff Ross]

I don't see Nate. First of all, I know to a dove in the back of a truck.

[Unknown]

I know that is the southern thing. Is bringing birds back to life. But I've never gone dove hunting.

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah, I know Nate has that accent, but he's not a green mile. He can't.

[Nate Bargatze]

This is like if you asked AI to write Purple Ra rain, the only when doves cry.

[Jeff Ross]

When I would go dove hunting really implies on our regular dove hunting trips. Son, get your ghillie suit. We're going dove hunting.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Also, what an. What an evil thing to do. Doves are beautiful birds that we use for magic. Why hunt them? Why would you hunt them?

[Jeff Ross]

You release them whenever Michael Jackson gets away with pedophilia. Remember that Count one innocent dove.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

It's either Nate or Duncan. I think Nate would have gone dove hunting. I feel like Duncan would try to bring back animals from the dead.

[Jeff Ross]

That's what I think, too. And then use them for, like, to do his bidding.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yes. Yeah.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Yes. Doves. Now you will kill.

[Big J. Okerson]

Call it, necromancer.

[Jeff Ross]

Kill Fermi. Doves bring message to the west. Duncan Trussell has just started his army.

[Nate Bargatze]

When I would go dove hunting.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

All right, I'm gonna. I'm gonna get the voting going, because we do have to end the show soon enough. I'm gonna vote for Nate Bargazzi. I think there's gonna be Nate.

[Jeff Ross]

I'm going Duncan.

[Unknown]

Nate, I'm going.

[Jeff Ross]

Duncan Trussell, Final Duncan. MF Answer. This is it for all the marbles.

[Duncan Trussell]

Final answers are in. I literally had to look at this one three times. It is Duncan Trussell.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Damn it.

[Duncan Trussell]

What the hell, Dude?

[Jeff Ross]

What a mysterious past you have. So full of. Not mysterious. Even the wrong word. Like mystic.

[Big J. Okerson]

I'm going to be honest. I'm pretty sure it was quake, not dove. And I didn't. And, you know, it's been a long time since it happened to me, so I'm sorry if I threw people accidentally that way, but. Yeah, my dad loved to go hunting, and he wanted me to be a hunter like him. So he'd take me out with all of his hunter friends, and I fucking hated it, man. I hated it. They had dogs that would go on the retrieve. It was terrible. They would just blow the shit out of these beautiful birds. And then in the back of the truck. Truck, There'd just be piles of dead birds, you know, and just.

[Jeff Ross]

You just. In the back of the truck, be.

[Big J. Okerson]

Riding in the back with a pile of dead birds.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

Praying.

[Jeff Ross]

Damn, dude.

[Big J. Okerson]

God. Like, please, God, just bring him back to life. And I try to breathe life back into them. And my dad was mortified. Like, his hunter friends were so embarrassed.

[Jeff Ross]

My gay Boys back there French kissing all the doves.

[Unknown]

Look at your boy.

[Jeff Ross]

They're quail, Dad.

[Nate Bargatze]

I learned it from you. Dad.

[Jeff Ross]

Will you leave me back here with him? Things are gonna happen.

[Unknown]

He's just throwing them out of the back of the truck. Fly, fly. And they're just.

[Jeff Ross]

Dead dogs.

[Unknown]

Come on.

[Jeff Ross]

What is a John Woo movie?

[Unknown]

Sit down, boy. Sit down. He's yelling at him.

[Jeff Ross]

No, dad, take the disguise. This one. His eyes are moving. Go. Oh, my God. Our final. Oh, wait.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

No way.

[Duncan Trussell]

Well, and here is the final score. The Skanks are tied for first. Lewis and Big J. 20 story wars. Not far behind with 17, Jeff with 8 and Nate with 10 is the skanks. Once again, Jay, I'd say we just split.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

We split the book.

[Jeff Ross]

We don't need to do a tie breaker book. It stays in the middle.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

Everybody just tear it in half.

[Jeff Ross]

It stays in house with the Story warriors.

[Duncan Trussell]

I'm so proud.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

That's right.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's in your library. And it is signed Drew Pinsky's Book.

[Jeff Ross]

A fictitious book about solving addiction.

[Dr. Drew Pinsky]

We want to thank Dr. Drew for coming in and narrating. Clap it up one more time for the great Dr. Drew. Drew. And give it up for our amazing panel. Come on, guys.

[Jeff Ross]

Duncan Trussel, Jeff Ross. Nate Bargazzi.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Jeff Ross]

Thank you guys for hanging out with Story Wars. Enjoy the rest of your skank fest. We'll see you next time.