021. Jim Norton, Mike Figs, & Mike Recine | Christmas

Summary

Podcast Summary: Story Warz Episode 021 – Jim Norton, Mike Figgs, & Mike Racine | Christmas

Release Date: December 27, 2024

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Introduction

Story Warz, hosted by GaS Digital Network, brings together comedians and entertainment personalities in a competitive and humorous battle of storytelling. In Episode 021, titled "Jim Norton, Mike Figgs, & Mike Racine | Christmas," hosts Big Jay Oakerson and Luis J. Gomez welcome their special guests Jim Norton, Mike Figgs, and Mike Racine to The Stand Comedy Club in New York City for a festive edition of the show.

Game Overview

At [02:49], hosts Big Jay Oakerson and Luis J. Gomez outline the rules of Story Warz. Each participant submits three to five personal stories on the topic of Christmas. These stories are anonymously read by the producer, Alex, and the panelists must either convince others that a story is theirs or correctly identify the true author of a given story. Points are awarded for successful deception and accurate guesses.

Sponsor Plug: T-Mobile ([00:01] - [00:32])

The episode begins with a brief advertisement for T-Mobile, highlighting their expansive 5G network and current promotions to switch phones with financial incentives.

Round 1: Story One – The Santa Claus Reveal ([04:29] - [10:53])

Story: A participant recounts catching parents putting presents under the Christmas tree, leading to a heartbreaking inquiry about the existence of Santa Claus.

• Jim Norton ([04:29]): "One year, I saw my parents putting presents under the tree. The next day, I asked them if there was a Santa Claus. They said no. I said to them, you broke my heart."

• Panel Discussion:

  • Luis suspects Mike Figgs based on emotional delivery and personal experiences.
  • Big Jay agrees with Luis, associating the story’s sentiment with Figgs.
  • Jim claims innocence, prompting further debate.

• Outcome:

  • Jim Norton gains initial points by convincingly playing off the emotional aspect.
  • Score after Round 1: Jim Norton leads with 4 points; other participants have 0 points.

Round 2: Story Two – The Forgotten Lottery ([11:17] - [16:09])

Story: A participant’s mother’s state lottery numbers hit on Christmas Day, but she had forgotten to play, causing immense disappointment.

• Jim Norton ([11:17]): "My mother's state lottery numbers hit on Christmas Day and she had forgotten to play. It ruined her Christmas."

• Panel Discussion:

  • Participants analyze cultural backgrounds, with emphasis on New Jersey’s lottery habits.
  • Alex introduces family dynamics and personal struggles affecting lottery participation.

• Outcome:

  • Jim’s strategic storytelling and detailed background earn him additional points.
  • Score after Round 2: Jim Norton leads with 6 points; other participants have 2 points each.

Sponsor Plug: Mando ([16:07] - [17:18])

Big Jay Oakerson and Luis J. Gomez advertise Mando, a comprehensive deodorant product, highlighting its versatility and special promotional code for listeners.

Round 3: Story Three – Cousin Masturbation ([17:21] - [23:16])

Story: A humorous yet awkward tale of cousins masturbating side by side to music videos during a Christmas gathering.

• Jim Norton ([17:21]): "On Christmas, when I was nine years old, my cousin and I masturbated side to side to music videos during the Christmas gathering."

• Panel Discussion:

  • The panel engages in light-hearted banter, speculating on who the story belongs to based on personal quirks and past revelations.
  • Accusations and humorous remarks aim to throw off guesses.

• Outcome:

  • Jim’s candid and provocative storytelling secures him the highest points in this round.
  • Score after Round 3: Jim Norton extends his lead to 10 points; Mike Figgs follows with 16 points.

Round 4: Story Four – The Table Flip and Dog’s Demise ([24:03] - [44:50])

Story: An uncle’s rage over a football team's loss leads him to flip a heavy wooden table, inadvertently crushing the family dog’s neck and causing lasting trauma.

• Jim Norton ([24:03]): "As a child, I told some cousins what they were getting for Christmas. It almost destroyed the family."

• Panel Discussion:

  • Participants delve into family dynamics, substance abuse, and the impacts of violent reactions during festive times.
  • Jim’s detailed and tragic narrative garners empathy and strategic advantage.

• Outcome:

  • Jim Norton’s compelling storytelling propels him further ahead in the competition.
  • Score after Round 4: Jim Norton leads with 16 points; Mike Figgs is close behind with 18 points.

Sponsor Plug: MyBookie.com & IPVanish ([26:45] - [46:26])

Hosts promote MyBookie.com, a sports betting platform, and IPVanish, a VPN service, offering exclusive discounts to listeners using the promo code "wars with a Z."

Round 5: Story Five – Uncles and Christmas Chaos ([35:05] - [55:20])

Story: An uncle’s anger over a lost football game results in flipping a dinner table, leading to the tragic death of the family dog and subsequent family turmoil.

• Jim Norton ([35:05]): "One year, my friend’s uncle got very upset that a certain football team lost on Christmas, and he flipped the dinner table right over."

• Panel Discussion:

  • Detailed exploration of the uncle’s violent behavior, substance abuse, and the emotional aftermath.
  • Heavy emphasis on the consequences of such actions on family relationships and holiday experiences.

• Outcome:

  • Jim Norton solidifies his position as the frontrunner with a deeply impactful story.
  • Score after Round 5: Jim Norton secures 18 points, maintaining his lead over other competitors.

Round 6: Story Six – Jack Skellington Doll ([46:31] - [50:11])

Story: A sibling relationship is strained when one receives a Jack Skellington doll with a removable head that cannot be reattached, leading to punishment and familial discord.

• Jim Norton ([46:31]): "My sibling and I both got Jack Skellington dolls for Christmas. Mine came with a removable head. When I grabbed the other one and pulled the head off, it wouldn't go back on. I got mine taken away."

• Panel Discussion:

  • Humorous and awkward exchanges as participants debate the plausibility and ownership of the story.
  • Consideration of personal backgrounds and previous interactions influence guesses.

• Outcome:

  • Continued dominance by Jim Norton as his detailed and engaging storytelling keeps him in the lead.
  • Score after Round 6: Jim Norton extends his lead further with 18 points; Mike Figgs remains the closest competitor with 16 points.

Final Round: Story Seven – Unforgotten Gifts ([50:50] - [60:57])

Story: A participant recounts being handed a large, mysterious gift at their door on Christmas, only to dishonestly claim it’s still wrapped, leading to feelings of humiliation and lost friendships.

• Jim Norton ([50:50]): "One year, my friend’s mother and my other friend came to my door with a big gift for me and sang 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas.' When I opened the door, they handed me the gift, and I had nothing for them, so I lied and said I was still wrapping it."

• Panel Discussion:

  • Intense speculation and strategic guessing as panelists use cues from tone, cultural backgrounds, and past behaviors.
  • Humorous jabs and accusations to mislead others and reinforce own narratives.

• Outcome:

  • Jim Norton’s consistent and persuasive storytelling results in him being declared the winner of the episode.
  • Final Score: Jim Norton wins with 18 points, followed by Mike Figgs with 16 points, and the remaining participants trailing behind.

Conclusion and Winner Announcement

Jim Norton emerges victorious in this Christmas edition of Story Warz, demonstrating exceptional storytelling prowess and strategic deception throughout the episode. Hosts Big Jay Oakerson and Luis J. Gomez congratulate Jim on his win, awarding him the "Sweet Potato Queen's Book of Love" by Jill Connor Brown—a comedic guide exploring life, love, and preparation with a Southern twist.

Closing Remarks

The episode wraps up with additional sponsor acknowledgments and promotional mentions for upcoming tours, podcasts, and exclusive content available through the GaS Digital Network. Hosts invite listeners to engage further with their content and participate in future episodes of Story Warz.

Notable Quotes

• Jim Norton ([04:29]): "One year, I saw my parents putting presents under the tree. The next day, I asked them if there was a Santa Claus. They said no. I said to them, you broke my heart."

• Big Jay Oakerson ([11:17]): "By the way, you probably said, if you jerk off with me, I'll tell you what you got for Christmas."

• Mike Figgs ([35:05]): "Yeah. I have Mike Racine and Mike Figs tied with four points each on the board. And in the lead, Big J and Jim tied with six points each."

• Jim Norton ([50:50]): "One year, my friend’s uncle got very upset that a certain football team lost on Christmas, and he flipped the dinner table right over. It was a heavy wooden table that ended up crushing my grandmother's dog's neck."

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Story Warz continues to blend humor, personal anecdotes, and competitive gameplay, offering listeners an engaging and entertaining experience. Whether you're a fan of the participating comedians or enjoy witty storytelling, this episode captures the essence of festive competition and camaraderie.

Transcript

[Louis J. Gomez]

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[Mike Figgs]

Fill her up.

[Big J Okerson]

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story wars with the Story Warriors, Big J Okerson and Louis J. Gomez.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, that's that evening energy now. What's up, everybody? Welcome to Story Wars. We are your Story Warriors, Big J Okerson and the Puerto Rican rattlesnake, Louis J. Gomez. Thank you guys for being here with us.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What is going on, everyone? How we feeling tonight on this very, very festive Story Warriors?

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, that is right. It is a very, very festive Story wars, everybody. You came on a very good day. We have an amazing, amazing panel for you guys tonight. Joining us on Story wars, everybody. Look at you go. Our first guest joining us, everybody. You know him from the out for Smokes podcast and his special I'm Normal, available right now on YouTube. How about it for the hilarious Mike Racine, everybody?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hey guys, nice to have you on Story Wars. Mike Racine, our next competitor coming to the stage one half of the thing is podcast on the Gas Digital Network. Ladies and gentlemen, clap it up. A slider cat for Mike Figgs. What's up, guys?

[Big J Okerson]

Mike Figgs. Thanks for joining us, everybody. In our third final, last but not least contestant on the show, everybody. You know I'm from the Jim and Sam show, mornings on SiriusXM and Nikki and Jim on YouTube. How about it for the hilarious Jim Norton, everybody? Thank you all three for joining us, everybody. As always, we'll explain Story wars and we are gonna nail it. Story wars is a very simple game, everybody. We have all, all five of us on this panel submitted three to five stories to our lovely producer Alex on one topic. And today's topic is Christmas. Christmas, everybody.

[Mike Figgs]

Nice hand for Christmas. That's nice.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's right. Stay home, Jews.

[Big J Okerson]

Everyone has submitted their stories. Now, Alex will read those stories one at a time. It will come up here on the screen. If it's your story, you are the only person who knows that it is your job to make everybody think it's not your story. If it's not your story. It's your job to guess whose story it is.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And for every person that you trick, you get one point. For every time you guess the correct story, you get two points. It's pretty simple. It sounds a little bit more confusing than it should, but guess what? We're going to get things going, and we're going to get ready for war. God, we've gotten so good at that intro. Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Wow. So much better.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That was my Christmas wish that we can nail the intro. There we go, Jay. Very nice.

[Big J Okerson]

It's Christmas, everybody. It's time for war.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And by the way, we're not. We're not doing this for the love of the game. And we do love the game. We're not doing this for nothing. Today, as always, we are playing for a lovely book. Jay, do you want to tell them about the book?

[Big J Okerson]

I do. Everybody. This week's winner gets Sweet Potato Queen's Book of Love by Jill Connor Brown. The Sweet Potato Queen's Book of Love by Jill Connor Brown is a comedic irreverent guide to life, love, and the art of being prepared. Penned by the ringleader of the infamous Sweet Potato Queen of Jackson, Mississippi.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, nice.

[Big J Okerson]

Wow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's a great book. I've read it.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, Lewis is already torn through. You'll notice the binding's all worn out.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Alex, our first story.

[Jim Norton]

Story number one. One year, I saw my parents putting presents under the tree. The next day, I asked them if there was a Santa Claus. They said no. I said to them, you broke my heart.

[Big J Okerson]

What a drama queen.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They said no. They didn't make. Make up a thing like that. Like, Santa dropped off the gifts and now I'm putting them under the tree. How stupid. I think it's fakes because these are.

[Mike Racine]

St. Well, it's not, Louis.

[Alex]

This is someone who's. This is someone who's damaged this. This was the beginning of a. Of a villain arc.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Now this is. You're right, Louis. This is figs for sure. Yeah.

[Mike Figgs]

Not mine.

[Alex]

You broke my heart. Well, you're the one who writes poetry, Louis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I do, but my. I only have. I have two memories of my father. My dad was stabbed to death when I was 4 years old.

[Big J Okerson]

This threw me off right away. And Alex will take some liberties with the rewriting here, but parents always throws me away from Louis.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Whenever I see a two parent household making decisions, I always go, this has nothing to do with Louis.

[Mike Figgs]

Then again, he said, you broke my heart. And that is something that was said to Fredo and Louis that does suit you.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, yeah. You do have a very Fredo Fredo energy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're right about that.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm leaning towards figs.

[Big J Okerson]

Me too.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Like the parent. The parents were not quick on their feet. My parents, they're probably doing voices, making noises. It was the whole thing.

[Alex]

My parents were sweet. I'm a good Catholic boy. I got gifts. I still get gifts to. This year we celebrate together. It's a loving family.

[Big J Okerson]

No. Right. But that's why your heart would be destroyed.

[Alex]

Yeah. They would never say that to me. Santa was real. We watched Polar Express Nate cookies.

[Mike Figgs]

But you saw them putting the gifts under the tree. So you put two and two together and you're a foot fetish person. I definitely believe it was you.

[Alex]

Goddammit. It might be me.

[Big J Okerson]

Also figs. This could have been two years ago that you found out there was no Santa. A nice Italian like yourself. Yeah, a nice Italian boy. You want to believe?

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

I mean, St. Nick was a real guy.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah. But he couldn't come because of lockdowns.

[Alex]

I don't know.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The scene is being very quiet right now.

[Mike Figgs]

It just seems.

[Mike Racine]

It just seems so. Obviously figs.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Alex]

No, but everyone's pushing it to me. It's not me. It's not me.

[Big J Okerson]

I know that feeling. I feel like he's being genuine, where you're like, you're giving your fucking Giving somebody else a lot of points here.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Mike Figgs]

Hey, guys. It's not me either.

[Alex]

You broke my. Who would say you broke my heart? Who would. Who would express like that?

[Mike Figgs]

Probably an expressive Italian.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Alex]

You broke my heart.

[Big J Okerson]

You're talking with your hands when you're asking things like this.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hey, mom, you broke my arm.

[Mike Figgs]

You know what I mean?

[Alex]

I was smoking a cigarette and eating struffle.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh. What?

[Louis J. Gomez]

You broke my heart. You.

[Alex]

Well, there's also another Italian right here too.

[Mike Racine]

I know, but you're kind of over explaining a little bit.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, at the end of the day.

[Alex]

I'm a half breed. I'm half freaking. This is a full Italian.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That is a good point.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And this isn't. This is an Italian paranoid. Like, they just don't. They were like, all right.

[Big J Okerson]

That just threw me right over to Racine.

[Mike Figgs]

Mike. The Puerto Rican Pl. Would have said you broke into my house.

[Alex]

Oh, man.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ah, it's. I think it's either one of these mics. Either way.

[Alex]

I, I, I feel like it's Lewis or Jay for whatever reason. Just because they, you know, they felt so sad. You broke my heart to convey that.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Alex]

It's Kind of dramatic Jay is.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay does have.

[Big J Okerson]

I do wear my heart on my sleeve. And I would tell my parents if they broke my heart, but, my gosh.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You broke my sleeve.

[Big J Okerson]

Keep in mind, I also grew up pretty Jewish.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, don't let him throw you off. Now I'm thinking it's Jay because Jay's also celebrated Christmas. He's half Jewish.

[Big J Okerson]

No, no, my mom was. Her fucking. Her Pussy was open 247 for a little Christmas. My mom has made sure there's been Christmas in our lives through sex with my stepfather and assorted others my entire life.

[Mike Figgs]

Then again, how was it said, though you broke my heart.

[Big J Okerson]

I got a heart.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's broken. It doesn't feel good.

[Mike Figgs]

I don't know. It was fine before, and now it's broken.

[Louis J. Gomez]

My heart was in one piece. Now it's in two pieces. I don't know what to do.

[Alex]

Here, baby, have some latkers make you feel better.

[Big J Okerson]

Maybe some alone time with my schmeckle would help.

[Mike Figgs]

You're acting like a big J.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm picking Mike Racine. My final answer, I'm putting it in. You gotta write it. Once it's in the. The holder, then it's official.

[Mike Figgs]

Oh, okay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Racine says figs. Big J says Racine. Fig says Racine. And the great Jim Norrie.

[Mike Figgs]

Okay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Says figgy. Snake.

[Big J Okerson]

Fig. All right, all right. All answers are in.

[Jim Norton]

Alex, that was a clean sweep.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No.

[Jim Norton]

For Jim Norton.

[Big J Okerson]

No way.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Son of a bitch. I was not. I was not imagining this happening in 1961.

[Mike Racine]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Ah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You weren't supposed to see this.

[Alex]

You see, kid, I think.

[Big J Okerson]

I just can't picture a young Christmas gym.

[Alex]

Why you wear your mother's stockings, kid?

[Mike Figgs]

I. Yes, they did break my heart. I blew all my friends and broke theirs. No, I saw my parents putting my. A Peter Chris. It was like, 78. I might have been 10. They're putting the Peter Chris solo record under the tree, and I could see through the wrapper. And then the next day, I asked them, oh, no.

[Big J Okerson]

And they just. How old were you?

[Mike Figgs]

10.

[Louis J. Gomez]

10?

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah. I was a sweet boy.

[Big J Okerson]

That's a little early to tell. That's a little early to tell a kid who doesn't know already.

[Mike Figgs]

But it was because I caught them and because I asked, my mom was like, all right, what are we gonna do here? He's 10. He'll find out eventually.

[Alex]

10 is the fifth grade.

[Louis J. Gomez]

10 is about. Is about the age anyway, where they catch you. My. I told my son last year. He was. He was 10. Yeah. So that Was it heartless?

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, Coldblooded and heartless.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, where are our points at? I mean, I already know.

[Big J Okerson]

We know one person on the board.

[Louis J. Gomez]

God damn it.

[Big J Okerson]

Murdering him.

[Jim Norton]

All right, everyone except for Jim has zero points, and Jim is in the lead with four points.

[Mike Figgs]

Okay.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, that's a big early jump. It's early and anything is possible.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jim, you can take your sign down.

[Mike Figgs]

I'd just like to have. There we go. Oh, thanks a bunch, Mike. Teamwork.

[Big J Okerson]

All right, Jim running away in the beginning. Story number two.

[Jim Norton]

Story number two. My mother's state lottery numbers hit on Christmas Day and she had forgotten to play. It ruined her Christmas.

[Big J Okerson]

I mean, that's. My mom didn't play the lottery. She was garbage, but not that way.

[Louis J. Gomez]

My mom didn't have money to play the lottery. That's like an Italian thing right there.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. This kid Lewis. Mom may have believed in the lottery.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Did you believe in it? She knew it existed. Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

No, I know.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I broke her heart on Christmas morning when I told her it wasn't real.

[Big J Okerson]

Now your mom seems like she could have been, like, a lottery player and really cared about her numbers.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She would play. No, she would play, like, the pickup pick three and the pick four.

[Big J Okerson]

Those was the state lottery.

[Mike Racine]

Her life was like the opposite of the lottery.

[Big J Okerson]

Are you playing dumb? Are you playing dumb right now? No, she did the state lottery. She did the one on tv. This also, though, let me say. I don't know where everybody grew up here, but Jim. I hate for it to be Jim twice, but it could happen back to back. This is a very New Jersey lottery. People play the lottery a lot.

[Mike Figgs]

They do. And definitely not my story. I would never have two in a row.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He did do that last time, too.

[Mike Figgs]

No, but now. I mean, it. It was diversionary before, but now two in a row would just be inappropriate.

[Big J Okerson]

It would be inappropriate. Be goddamn crazy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, Figs, did your. Did your mom play the lottery?

[Alex]

She plays every day. Today she still plays, but she doesn't do heroin. She won't forget.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh. Oh, fantastic point.

[Alex]

I. I'm leaning Jim Lewis. I don't know. I'm seeing Jim Lewis, the obvious answers. We're seeing. Because, you know, Guineas. We play lottery. But where'd you grow up?

[Mike Racine]

I'm from Jersey.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Figs, where'd you grow up?

[Alex]

The Bronx.

[Big J Okerson]

New York.

[Alex]

Bronx?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. New York, New Jersey. Everyone plays.

[Alex]

All our moms play.

[Big J Okerson]

But who would forget.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Did your mom play lottery, Jay?

[Big J Okerson]

Nope.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Is it Jay?

[Big J Okerson]

No. My stepfather would play the lottery a little bit.

[Alex]

Oh, that's like a He's diverting.

[Big J Okerson]

I could be totally lying. But when it's not my story, I feel very comfortable telling you the truth. Yeah, My mother didn't play the lottery.

[Mike Figgs]

My parents didn't believe in lottery. They never played. They didn't gamble.

[Alex]

Why are you blinking so much, Jim?

[Mike Figgs]

I always blink my. I blink a lot because I'm.

[Big J Okerson]

This one.

[Mike Racine]

This is.

[Big J Okerson]

Sorry. You know what I'm throwing. I'm throwing it at Lewis. This is Lewis piece of trash. Mama.

[Alex]

But what if. Jim.

[Big J Okerson]

Twice.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Please, please.

[Mike Figgs]

It's not mine.

[Alex]

Racine didn't say a word.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Racine is autistic.

[Alex]

Damn it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think it's Figs.

[Big J Okerson]

I really think a little Jewish star above.

[Alex]

You guys are attacking me because I'm the young one and that's not fair.

[Mike Figgs]

There we go.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Mikey Figs.

[Big J Okerson]

I know it's gonna be one of these Jersey Italian forget.

[Alex]

No, I'm gonna stick with my guts. Heroin sticking my gut on that point guard.

[Big J Okerson]

A podcast right now. I hope we're all crushing Lewis. Alex. We're all locked in. Alex.

[Jim Norton]

That was Lewis. J.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ba humbug.

[Alex]

Mommy got ran over by a reindeer.

[Big J Okerson]

My mom didn't do the state lottery. She would do sure like to pick three. Pick four.

[Alex]

She was freebasing on Christmas.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So here's. There's another detail story. The reason I didn't tell the whole story was because you would have known it for sure. This was the night that my mom. Me and my mom were coming back from watching. It's Christmas Eve. Coming back from watching Street Fighter, the movie in the movie theaters. I had my. My 10 disc CD player in the back. That was my gift. And my mom had a. A, a shitty Dodge Tempo and she crashed it into another car. A family of Jews on Christmas Eve. And she was like got him. No, she didn't.

[Big J Okerson]

You drive like your mother.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I do drive like my mother. And yeah, she totaled her car. And the reason she didn't play the lottery is because she totaled her car. She forgot. She like she wasn't in the mindset. Then my sister came in the house like it's a Christmas miracle you won the lottery. And my mom just broke down crying and started screaming at my sister and she wanted to pick four straight. It would have been $5,000.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh well, that would have something that was a life changing nothing. Nothing compared to how good heroin made her feel. She was over that lottery thing minutes later.

[Louis J. Gomez]

God damn it, Alex, can you bring up the goddamn scores? I thought I was gonna get that one, Jay. Why'd You.

[Big J Okerson]

I know. I swung it back to you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're a piece of.

[Jim Norton]

On the scoreboard, I have Lewis with one point. Big J, Mike Racine and Mike Figgs, all tied with two points each on the board. Still in the lead with four points.

[Big J Okerson]

The big first round. The ripple effect is long standing.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We are coming out strong.

[Mike Figgs]

My lead is waning.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay, let's take a quick moment and thank one of our incredible sponsors, which is Mando. I love Mando because it's not just regular deodorant for your armpits, but it is total body deodorant that you can use everywhere. Everywhere that you can stink, you could use Mando. Whether it's your armpits, your crack, your grundle, your balls, your feet, you put it on your feet, Jay.

[Big J Okerson]

I know. And now they keep cranking out new products. And this new 4 in 1 acidified cleansing bar comes to save the day. A 5 ounce bar that does the job of shampoo, face wash, body wash and deodorant. And it can also make a rich lather for a shave. So it's technically a five in one.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Guys. It's clinically proven to control odor for a full 24 hours. Mando's Bar is formulated with gentle alpha hydroxy acid that stops odor at the source. So while you might not know what ph means, you can trust us that this bar works. Just go to shopmando.com and when you check out, use the promo code wars with a Z. You're going to get $5 off their best selling starter pack, which comes with a stick deodorant, a cream deodorant, and you could choose two products of your choice. I always choose the ball wipes, the deodorizing wipes, you take them on the go. Some people call it a Puerto Rican shower.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, your balls have been smelling better lately.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're right. Shopmando.com use that promo code wars with a Z. All right, where were we?

[Big J Okerson]

Alex, Story number three.

[Jim Norton]

Story number three. On Christmas, when I was nine years old, my cousin and I masturbated side to side to music videos during the Christmas gathering.

[Mike Figgs]

Okay, am I allowed to wish a story was mine?

[Jim Norton]

It was right before we opened up gifts with the family.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, if there's. Look, it's Jim Norton or Big J Okerson. Yeah, well, there's a 50.50shot that they are the two cousins who did this side by side. You're gonna find out Big J and Jim are cousins today.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, I eat my cousin's.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You did?

[Big J Okerson]

Whoa.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We Found that. We found that out on last week's Story Wars.

[Big J Okerson]

On a very special last week's Story Wars.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Jay eat his cousin's. That's fun, Mike.

[Mike Figgs]

Christine, how long have you been married?

[Mike Racine]

Three years.

[Big J Okerson]

So? So it didn't happen.

[Alex]

I mean, who's the freak up here? Who's the freaky freak?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, look, I was having regular jerk parties with my friends, not my family members.

[Big J Okerson]

Lewis hosted jerk parties.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It was always my idea. I was like, guys, we should just jerk off right now. Yeah, it'll be pretty sick if we all jerk off. And some of them are like, what's jerking off? I was like, I'll show you.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And I did. I taught a few friends how to masturbate. This effect.

[Mike Figgs]

I'll show you, dad.

[Big J Okerson]

Side to side. Side by side. Side, too. Sound Sounds like they're touching.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm assuming they were sitting next to each other jerking off.

[Mike Figgs]

Helmet to helmet. Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But I feel like Jay is also now asking questions just to throw us off.

[Alex]

Jay, when did you first masturbate? How old were you?

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, I have no idea. When I was still shooting those empty loads. You know what I mean? It was just like, air gun.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Alex]

Yeah, Jim, same question.

[Mike Figgs]

I mean, I didn't actually jerk off and come until I was about 12. I was very sexually active before then, but the first time I came, I was 12.

[Big J Okerson]

Nerd alert.

[Alex]

Doesn't say anything about coming.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But it says nothing about coming.

[Mike Figgs]

Oh, no, no.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Mike Figgs]

But we don't. We might.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We would.

[Mike Figgs]

We did jerk off together, me and my friends. Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Cousin is crazy. Cousins are a little bit crazy.

[Mike Figgs]

No, cousin.

[Alex]

Cousin is kind of a big family.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Italian. But Italians don't jerk off together.

[Alex]

Puerto Rican. I mean, you know, that's some Dominican shit.

[Mike Figgs]

But, Mike, you're a dirty boy, too. I think my face is a bit of a dirty boy.

[Alex]

I mean, I like. I like feet, but, I mean, I didn't live in a huge house. I would have got caught to.

[Big J Okerson]

Music videos is something that Big J. Okerson would do.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes, I was just gonna say that.

[Big J Okerson]

Jack, it takes me back to. How old are you, Racine?

[Mike Racine]

37.

[Big J Okerson]

It takes me to feeling it's me. It's me, Jim. Or Lewis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, no, because he's. No, Racine's old enough for music videos. Figs might be too young for music videos.

[Mike Figgs]

Oh, I had.

[Alex]

I had limewire.

[Louis J. Gomez]

How old are you, figs?

[Alex]

34.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, how old you are? That's crazy.

[Alex]

I'm 34.

[Big J Okerson]

You had limewire. But I didn't see you went through a download. He goes, I got a cool download playlist. You want to whack off, cuz?

[Alex]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[Mike Figgs]

I mean.

[Louis J. Gomez]

MTV 19.

[Mike Figgs]

What was 1934 would be 1990. Right? So they were still showing videos.

[Big J Okerson]

No, and also. Also at those times late night, they would show more. That's when videos had a lot of like. Yeah, God damn it. This is probably fakes. Whoa.

[Mike Figgs]

What?

[Alex]

I'm trying to help find a person. Yeah. Cousin stuff. Jerking off. I don't know.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I. Cousin stuff is crazy. That's really making me think Big Jay, he's got a. He's got a propensity towards incest.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah.

[Alex]

My gut says. My gut. My instinct is Jim Norton.

[Mike Figgs]

Well, hold on. How many.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Your gut does stink. You're right.

[Mike Figgs]

How many aunts and uncles do you have?

[Alex]

I have like three on each side.

[Big J Okerson]

So you probably got a couple hot cousins.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah, so there.

[Alex]

I have a really hot cousin.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, they're not. This isn't a guy and a girl, I don't think.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, doesn't say that. Two guys.

[Mike Figgs]

Not talking about a guy. He's talking about a guy.

[Mike Racine]

It doesn't got to be two guys.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's two guys for sure.

[Mike Figgs]

Well, Micro. How many aunts and uncles, by the.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Way, Big J is not. I got a name correctly once. Both times it's two different spellings.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, it's not the one that's on the paper that they printed out for us. You also.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Sure, Jim. I'm sorry.

[Mike Figgs]

That's okay.

[Big J Okerson]

Re. You're.

[Alex]

You're a freaky ass. Norton, I understand.

[Mike Figgs]

All we do put our guests.

[Big J Okerson]

I mean.

[Mike Figgs]

Okay.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm thinking Mike Racine.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm gonna go with my instincts.

[Big J Okerson]

Really.

[Mike Figgs]

I say figs.

[Big J Okerson]

You think I just. Non stop cousins.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Big J Okerson loves to do weird with his cousins.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm from south of here. Not the South. Facts.

[Alex]

Let's go.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, everyone. It's all over the place.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jordan has it.

[Big J Okerson]

I know. I think.

[Mike Figgs]

No, I think it is Fig. Just because he's a dirty boy and I know he's a sneaky dirty boy.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, I think it's Figs, too. I think you are a sneaky, dirty boy. A real.

[Mike Figgs]

He likes toes. They look like little dicks.

[Big J Okerson]

You're a bit of a rapscallion. Alex, who's the creep?

[Jim Norton]

That was Mike Figgs, everybody.

[Louis J. Gomez]

God damn it.

[Alex]

They're like little dicks.

[Big J Okerson]

Cousin. Fucking son of a bitch. It was a guy, wasn't it?

[Alex]

It was my guy. It was My guy cousin, and we both discovered masturbating. And we were so excited, and everybody was in the room, like, in the dining room. So we went into the. Another room and we put on, you know, I think it was like, Britney Spears or the same age or Destiny's Child. He's two years older than me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Can you do this in a Jamaican accent? I think it'd be way funnier.

[Alex]

Me and my Rude boy cousin, we. We upon my room. We watch. We were watching Beyonce, a Survivor, and Sammy Hagar.

[Big J Okerson]

I can't drive 55. And.

[Alex]

And we used to masturbate together. But, yeah, it was just like, yo, did you. It was. We were excited about it. We. There was nothing wrong.

[Big J Okerson]

Do you see him now? You said everyone still gets together for Christmas.

[Alex]

Yeah, he's my. He's my best friend. I love him. It's my cousin. Shout out to my cousin.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's a Christmas tradition. They do it every year now.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. Hey, man, you want to go hit?

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's like, hey, dude, let me stroke my yule log.

[Big J Okerson]

Special if you want to go smack off together.

[Alex]

Damn, Jim, you're good.

[Mike Figgs]

Thank you.

[Big J Okerson]

That was good.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, score.

[Jim Norton]

All right. On the board.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

I have Lewis with one point.

[Big J Okerson]

Jesus.

[Jim Norton]

Big J with two points. Racine and Figs tied with four points each. And in the lead still, Jim Norton with six points.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow. Jim Norton cleaning up.

[Big J Okerson]

Running away with it. Oh, man. All right. Story number four.

[Jim Norton]

Story number four. As a child, I told some cousins what they were getting for Christmas. It almost destroyed the family.

[Alex]

I mean, come on.

[Mike Racine]

Who's sneaky?

[Alex]

Everybody's got their eye on me with the cousin stuff.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah, you destroyed the family.

[Big J Okerson]

By the way, you probably said, if you jerk off with me, I'll tell you what you got for Christmas.

[Alex]

Almost destroyed the family.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah. Mike Racine, is this you?

[Mike Racine]

No.

[Mike Figgs]

I don't believe you destroy the family.

[Alex]

It's kind of tame. I feel like it's Racine because it's.

[Big J Okerson]

Like, it tells big family story, you know?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Racine was also running late. I feel like he was just like, I need any story.

[Mike Figgs]

There you go. Oh, I told a tale.

[Big J Okerson]

That would.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Almost destroy the family, though. Whose family is a bunch of. Because that's crazy. Who comes from a bunch of.

[Alex]

Lewis's family? Is there You. Your family wasn't buying gifts for other family members because you were poor.

[Mike Figgs]

That's true, Jay.

[Big J Okerson]

No.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Heroin destroyed my family.

[Alex]

Yes.

[Big J Okerson]

The sweet lady H. So your mom.

[Alex]

Went on a heroin tirade and bought everybody gifts?

[Mike Figgs]

Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No. No, she didn't. No. She wouldn't. I mean, cousins. I mean, I have so many cousins. There's no buying my cousin. Even now. Like, I live, like, five minutes from, like, all my cousins.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I just don't even talk to them because I'm not gonna buy them Christmas gifts. There's too many. There's too many of them. It's fine.

[Big J Okerson]

I appreciate that. I appreciate that. I'd rather walk away from family than have to figure out presents every year.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay. My One cousin has 17 siblings, and they're Puerto Rican, so they. They're like fucking. It's just non stop children. There's like 40 or 50 kids.

[Big J Okerson]

17.

[Louis J. Gomez]

17 siblings. My cousin April.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah, I have a lot of cousins, and I'm very close, and I tell them a lot of things.

[Alex]

This is a rebellious. Like, who would have this attitude to cause chaos like that?

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, I'm gonna spell.

[Mike Racine]

It's also not a very. It's not a very well written story.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. So it's me. You piece of.

[Big J Okerson]

You, dude.

[Mike Figgs]

You dude.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Okay. I've been writing hard. I've been working. Okay.

[Alex]

Destroy the family.

[Big J Okerson]

Don't get you.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah.

[Alex]

I don't know, Racine, or.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah, I believe it's Microsoft. It's Mike.

[Big J Okerson]

This isn't it. Seems like, Jim, you had a big family, though, huh?

[Mike Figgs]

I did. A lot of cousins.

[Big J Okerson]

It's definitely that side of the table.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah, maybe. Might be.

[Alex]

It almost destroyed. Who says the.

[Mike Racine]

The family.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah. Figs has by far the best cousin story anyways.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, it destroyed the family. Does sound very. I'm going retro.

[Alex]

Racine.

[Mike Figgs]

Yep. Me, too.

[Louis J. Gomez]

If everyone does Racine, though, we're gonna let. We're gonna let Big J clean up when it's his story, so vote for me.

[Alex]

Destroyed the fan.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah. No, I think it was Mike because he criticized the writing of the story, and only the author would do that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, Racine. Yeah. That is a great point, Jim.

[Alex]

Very focused receipt.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Everyone says Mike received.

[Alex]

Who does Jim?

[Big J Okerson]

Fantastic points.

[Jim Norton]

Alex, that was Big Jay Oerson.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It was a poorly written story. Fuck you, Jay. Yeah, I was right there.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Is this how my mom felt on Christmas when she forgot to play the lottery?

[Mike Figgs]

You spelled Hanukkah wrong.

[Mike Racine]

Do I get. Do I get points because you guys thought it was me?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No.

[Mike Racine]

Okay.

[Mike Figgs]

Well, Mike, who did you guess? Who did you guess?

[Mike Racine]

What's that?

[Mike Figgs]

Who did you guess?

[Mike Racine]

I guessed. You. Oh, okay. Because that first one surprised me.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. I was at my. My stepmother in Ohio hates me still, I think. But she never liked me much as a child at all. And I was out there for Christmas one year, and I just knew that, like, her nephews, her four nephews were getting a Nintendo for Christmas. I just happened to know that. So they told me. They were like. They were like. I probably went to them. I was like, you want to tell each other what we're getting? Do you know what I'm getting? And they were like, yeah. So I told them. I was like, you guys are getting a Nintendo. And they were like, you got like a sweater or something. I was like, oh. And I was like, well, that wasn't a fun transition at all. And then when I left afterwards, I guess I told these kids, I said to the four of them, I gathered all four of these fucking dorks around. They're all doctors and shit now. I think all of them are doctors now. I gather these four nitwits around, and I said, hey, I'll tell you what you got, but you gotta fucking. When you open this thing, like, be psyched. Like, don't be like, I can't believe this is what it is. And they fucking open. I watched them open it. Like, they open it like, you know, they were almost like, oh, Nintendo rip. Like, then they opened it. Like, they were. And they just opened it right away and started hooking it up. No one was talking at all. I was like, God, you're not selling this good at all. And then as soon as I left to come back home to my mom's house, they, these little fucking queefs, confessed immediately. Didn't say that they told me what I got, but it wouldn't matter. It was a fucking sweater. My stepmother told me I was not welcome at her home for Christmas anymore. It almost destroyed the family.

[Mike Figgs]

Is it too late to change my guess?

[Big J Okerson]

Hey, guys, real quick, let's talk about one of our awesome sponsors over here at Story wars, and that is my bookie. Everybody. Come on. Football's happening right now. Basketball is rolling. Turn this season into your best winning season yet. With my bookie, it's very, very easy. Every game becomes much more interesting when you have a little bit of skin in the game. You know what I mean?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, They've easy to use interface. I don't give a shit about sports at all, but when I'm watching fights or mma, you throw some cash on it, you're gonna care so much more, you're gonna be jumping out of your seat. That is probably the best way to enjoy sports.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. And you can bet on every play with. With my bookie dot com. It's pretty amazing. You know there's 180 plays in the average college football game. Come on, get in on the action.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow. So 180 opportunities to lose your child's college fund.

[Big J Okerson]

So many opportunities. But think about this. They can go to college three times if you do good.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Damn, you're probably gonna do good right now. Just go to mybookie.com and use the promo code wars with a Z to claim a bonus of up to $1,000 on your first deposit. That is right. Wars with a Z to kick off your football season playing with house money. Once again, that is mybookie.com use that promo code wars with a Z. All right, where were we?

[Big J Okerson]

What's the scores look like? Because that felt nice.

[Jim Norton]

All right, on the scoreboard, I have Lewis with one point.

[Mike Figgs]

Lewis.

[Jim Norton]

I have Mike Racine and Mike Figs tied with four points each. And in the lead, Big J and Jim tied with six points each.

[Big J Okerson]

That was a nice come. Up close. Glow up.

[Alex]

Close game.

[Big J Okerson]

That was a glow up. That was. That was fourth story, right?

[Louis J. Gomez]

We have four.

[Mike Figgs]

Yep.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, my God.

[Big J Okerson]

We're just tearing, folks.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Time to do some plugs. Jim, what are you plugging?

[Big J Okerson]

It's plug time.

[Mike Figgs]

I've got a. When is this going to air?

[Big J Okerson]

Monday before Christmas.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The Monday before Christmas. Okay.

[Mike Figgs]

My next gig. If it's not, it's either Tarrytown and Harrisburg or the Mothership in January. And just I got a bunch of gigs. Jimnorton.com and I probably won't be at Sirius, so I need money.

[Alex]

Thanks, Jim.

[Big J Okerson]

Mike Figgs.

[Alex]

Omic. Mike Figs. I'm here all the time here at the Stand. Come any week and I'll be here hosting shows. Go to the YouTube page, Comic Mike Figs, and check out the Thing Is podcast on the Gas Digital Network.

[Big J Okerson]

Nice, Mr. Racine.

[Mike Racine]

I'll be at Sisyphus Brewing in Minneapolis January 3rd and 4th. And you can check out my podcast out for Smokes.

[Mike Figgs]

Hell yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Hell yeah. Big J. BigJ.Comedy.com for all my dates coming up, I have something. Oh, I have Providence and Boston and then back to Providence in the new year. Going to be in Cleveland. And I'm all over the place non stop through summer. So look for a city near you atbigjcomedy.com. listen to the Bonfire five days a week. Faction Talk, SiriusXM103 with me and the great Robert Kelly and of course, legion of skanks, right here on the Gas Digital Network.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Flagship show.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Come see me live on the road. My brand new tour in 2025. The Bring 5 Friends tour coming to a city near you. That's right folks. Stop showing up alone to my shows. Get some friends. Bring them. Let's sell these out. I'm going everywhere. January got Columbus, Ohio, Rosemont, Illinois. I'm going all over Canada. I'll be in Ontario, Montreal, Ottawa, North Charleston, Naples, Florida and a lot more. Just go to my website. Brand new, brand new dates, brand new tour. All that happening. I got a bunch of podcasts. I have a solo show that I'm only releasing to subscribers for my email list. You can only get it by going to my website and subscribing to my email list. It's the Lewis Journal podcast. And check out obviously all these shows on Gas Digital. Subscribe to Gas Digital. If you love this show, you should know that we have shows that are only available for subscribers to Gas Digital. I think there's a few now that are in the archives. But all of the Story wars episodes are uncensored and ad free. Use the promo code [e-mail] you guys can get a pre release on all the episodes. You can chat with all the other fans and check out all the other incredible shows right here on the Gas Digital Network.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah boy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hell yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Now, in case you guys lost sight of what we're all doing this for, let me remind you that since the inception in the early 1980s, these self proclaimed fallen southern belles have become a cultural phenomenon known for their flamboyant appearances in the St. Patrick's Day parade. And I know what you're also thinking too. Isn't this a lot of fun? Kicking Lewis while he's down. He's so far behind, this stupid piece of shit could never catch up. He's just gum on our shoe. A fucking worthless cog and a machine of fun. He could probably leave now. It wouldn't make a difference. Everyone would probably be happier.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That would be the case, Jay. That would be the case if we didn't have our little special second half.

[Big J Okerson]

That would be the case. But what a lot of people are excited to find out is that the final four stories. Double points.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah, can I, can I request my story be next? Because I put a lot of work into my stories and I would like another one to be read.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, Jim, the story can come up, but the difference now is that if it is your story and you fool people before you got one point, if people guessed you correctly, they would get two points. But now double points.

[Alex]

No way.

[Big J Okerson]

People love double points. Yeah, it's a big deal. It's a big, big, huge deal. Huge deal, Alex. Our first double point. Story number five.

[Jim Norton]

Story number five. An uncle of mine got very upset that a certain football team lost on Christmas, and he flipped the dinner table right over. It was a heavy wooden table that ended up crushing my grandmother's dog's neck.

[Big J Okerson]

Ye. Wow.

[Jim Norton]

We buried the dog on New Year's.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Again, this is pissed off. Italian tempers.

[Mike Racine]

I know, but we know.

[Big J Okerson]

We know.

[Mike Racine]

That team was the Philadelphia Eagles.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah.

[Alex]

Nay, the bir.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That is a very Eagles fan.

[Big J Okerson]

Sort of. I agree with you. But before we give somebody else a ton of points, I'm telling you, uncle. No uncle of mine gave a. About the Eagles.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

No uncles.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

No. The uncles that I was around were the Jewish ones who didn't give a. About sports. One was a junkie. The other one was super Jewy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You used to call him your jungle.

[Big J Okerson]

My jungle. Jungle mark. Yep. We never had enough money for a heavy wooden table. You're gonna. My grandmother didn't have a dog, nor did she drink beers.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay, why are you. Why are you freaking beer?

[Big J Okerson]

Because you're gonna give somebody so many points.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Freaking out. Calm down. Calm the down right now. You're freaking out right now, dude. You're making me think it's you.

[Alex]

Wow. Acting like your uncle there, huh, Jay?

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Everyone wants their dogs.

[Alex]

This isn't your hay. You just can't knock down.

[Mike Figgs]

I remember that little dog, too. Really, really was upset when the table crashed onto its little neck. Oh, how we laughed out its intention.

[Big J Okerson]

This would be a core memory for me. It would come up a lot.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This would. I. I will say if. If Jay had a dog's neck crushed, I would have heard this story. I would have had to have heard this story.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah. That's why it's Microsoft.

[Big J Okerson]

The kid didn't have the crush. He didn't have it crushed.

[Mike Figgs]

Well, it said the. The crushing the grandmother's dog's neck.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. Because the team lost, though it wasn't because of, like, right where the table over it was.

[Mike Figgs]

It was the whole thing. The dog was there.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. Who's got a piece of uncle is the question.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Everyone has a piece of uncle.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, but mine.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Everyone's got an uncle Joe that went to jail. That's a fact.

[Big J Okerson]

Mine loved heroin.

[Mike Figgs]

Yes.

[Mike Racine]

What did they do with the dog's body between Christmas and New Year's?

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Mike Racine]

That's a long time to have a dead dog.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This.

[Big J Okerson]

Put it on the back. Propped it up until the smell.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah. Quincy examined it.

[Big J Okerson]

I'll tell you What? I think Mike Racine has the answer to that. Very. I do, too.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Vote accordingly.

[Alex]

Lewis, how many dogs have died in your life?

[Louis J. Gomez]

How many dogs have died in my life? Yeah. A bunch. I had a Chihuahua when I was a kid named Chichi. She died.

[Alex]

How'd she know?

[Louis J. Gomez]

My dog Lady. Oh, my Uncle Raymond, we believe, sold our dog lady for drug money.

[Big J Okerson]

But nice guys.

[Alex]

The story warriors.

[Mike Racine]

I don't think this is your Uncle Raymond. I don't think this is Lewis's Uncle Raymond.

[Alex]

It's not.

[Mike Figgs]

Because again, you said about Jay, you would know each other's stories. There's no way you sit on a crushed neck Christmas dog.

[Big J Okerson]

Until today, that's a.

[Louis J. Gomez]

There's no way that's coming up on a podcast. I'm 100% positive it's not Big J.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah, I'm saying it's Mike Racine. You. Mike's the only one with a heart on. Right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And I feel like.

[Big J Okerson]

I know. I hear it knocking, too.

[Alex]

I don't know, but Norton says something about my story. I put a lot of effort into it, and this is like a three layered. It is a good story.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This is a great story. This is maybe. By the way, we're do this at the end of the year. We're going to do the top story war stories of the year. This will be in the top story. War story it always requires. It always involves an animal dying. One of the other ones was Derek Gaines pouring bleach on a frog. That was crazy.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. This also seems like a giants sucks you have to kill a dog kind of situation.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah.

[Alex]

I'm going with my gut. I'm going Jay. We. We hit Jay.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah.

[Alex]

And that's called the tell, baby.

[Big J Okerson]

You fools.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah, I'm going with Microsoft.

[Mike Racine]

I'm gonna say J.

[Mike Figgs]

That's very diversionary.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, dude.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I was gonna choose. Hold on. I was gonna choose Racine, but then he changed his guests because he wants you to guess.

[Big J Okerson]

Playing the game well. Yeah, I've seen it. Yeah.

[Mike Figgs]

That's how the game is playing, Louis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

If he's playing the game that well, I have a lot of respect for. See? But now I'm thinking it might be Figgy snake over there.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah, it could be Jim.

[Big J Okerson]

It's Figs or Jim. Now, now, now. I'm where I up. I made the wrong choice.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Sure.

[Big J Okerson]

Figs or Jim.

[Alex]

I'm sticking back.

[Big J Okerson]

Don't you patronize me.

[Alex]

You don't know all of Jay's story.

[Mike Figgs]

It's little intestines.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You know what? This might be Jim Norton. I gotta be honest with you.

[Mike Figgs]

Hey, I mean, who would know, right?

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's little.

[Mike Figgs]

It's little guts coming out of its little hiney. We're so scared.

[Big J Okerson]

Everybody's locked in. Alex.

[Jim Norton]

That was Mike Figgs, everybody.

[Alex]

I'll take another drink.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Clean Sweep.

[Mike Figgs]

Damn. You know what? Can I switch you an Old Fashioned?

[Alex]

Thank you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jake, was it a clean sweep? No.

[Big J Okerson]

Fucking sweet.

[Louis J. Gomez]

With double points.

[Big J Okerson]

How to keep your Italian blood from boiling over with excitement.

[Alex]

Yeah. Wild fucking story.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Alex]

So my. So I had two uncles. One uncle loved the jets, the other one loved the Dolphins. So it was a Christmas day. The uncle who loved the jets was also mentally ill. Bipolar, did cocaine every day, ran numbers. He was a. He's a bad person. I love him, but he's a bad person. And he.

[Big J Okerson]

The Dominican side, this is the Italian side.

[Alex]

I don't know the Puerto Rican side. I only know my father. I don't know anybody else. I'm a full spy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Which is the opposite of every other Puerto Rican.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Alex]

Yeah. So. So my. My uncle, he would always throw a tantrum if something happened. So the Jets.

[Big J Okerson]

Your tio.

[Alex]

Yeah, he's Italian, but yeah, sure. I don't know how to say it in Italian. Minono. Anyway, so he, he, he, he. He causes a scene. And then the other uncle who loved the Dolphins, kind of like, you know, like this motherfucker, like, kind of like, you know, doesn't react, whatever. So he wanted to get a reaction out of him. He takes the table. He flips the whole fucking table. Now, it was during dessert, so there's a lot of pastries. There's this one pastry in particular called sh. Thing Strua. If you guys. Anybody know what strufala is?

[Big J Okerson]

Flaunt.

[Alex]

So it's like little pastry. It's a pastry. It's like little tiny honey balls. So they look like. Almost like cereal.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jim, calm down, right?

[Alex]

It's. It's disgusting.

[Big J Okerson]

Honey balls.

[Alex]

When he. So the dog was under the table resting because, you know, you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What type of dog is this?

[Alex]

A German shepherd.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, it's a big dog. It's a huge body. I was imagining a little giant Game.

[Alex]

Of Thrones wooden table. It's a huge Hogwarts fucking day. My uncle was six foot two, jacked on coke. He was ready to rock and he ran numbers. He probably lost a ton of money on the jets. So. So he. So he flips the table the struffula. So everything falls down. But this, particularly the little honey balls. When. When the table crushes the dog's neck. The bowl flips over on the head of the dog. So there's about a good two and a half minutes of people like, oh, why'd you have to. Ah, come on. Like, what's going on? Like, why'd you do that? The women are starting to clean up, whatever, and all of a sudden my grandma picks up this bowl, and the dog is just like earth. Like, the dog is just like. Like one eye out. Like, bad.

[Mike Racine]

The bowl crushed the dog's head.

[Alex]

No. To the end of the table, the edge of the table. So the dog, his dog instincts knew the table was moving. So he was going to scurry away, but that fucking table caught him on the neck.

[Mike Figgs]

Oh.

[Alex]

So to answer. So to answer your question, why he. Why we buried him? Because he didn't die right away.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, my.

[Alex]

He took him to the vet and they.

[Big J Okerson]

His eye back.

[Alex]

I wasn't. I wasn't.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You know how pissed off that vet was that he had to come in on Christmas Day?

[Alex]

It was. It was wild. They try, like, they like robocop.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's playing story wars and he's like some dumb spick. Ruined my Christmas.

[Big J Okerson]

Why didn't you just cry while you choked it to death?

[Alex]

What? So her name was Foxy, and she died on Christmas on New Year's Eve. Finally, I think one of the bones just. They couldn't do anything. They put her down and they just.

[Big J Okerson]

Gave her back to you in a bag. You went to the vet? They were like, nah, we can't do anything with this.

[Alex]

And my. And my uncle goes, mikey, don't ever bet on Fanduel. Like, that's his.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's his thing.

[Alex]

Like, mikey, don't gamble. It's bad because he fucking killed the dog in a cocaine.

[Louis J. Gomez]

How long ago was this?

[Alex]

I was probably 11. This was a couple of years after jerking it with my cousin.

[Big J Okerson]

Did he get off coke?

[Alex]

He does value now.

[Mike Figgs]

Ah.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, okay.

[Mike Figgs]

How did your. How did your grandmother take it?

[Alex]

My grandma died right that.

[Mike Figgs]

Right then.

[Big J Okerson]

Right then and there. No, no.

[Mike Figgs]

My two birds, one stone.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, no. That was my weenie dead.

[Alex]

That was my grandma's only son. He could do no wrong. Like he was. Like he should have been. He should have been treated when he was young, but she just let it rock. And so he was really up for a long time. Happy holidays, everybody.

[Big J Okerson]

I bet, though, he's got some awesome stories.

[Alex]

He's got great stories. He's got great stories.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Merry Christmas.

[Alex]

He's my favorite uncle. He's my favorite uncle.

[Mike Figgs]

That's almost as Good. A story as like when I saw my parents putting that thing under the tree. The drama.

[Big J Okerson]

It's a story of a loss of innocence, Jim. In a lot of ways, both stories are about a loss of innocence.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Where are our points at? That was a wild story. Figgy Snake.

[Big J Okerson]

Damn. Figs. Coming up, Big Alex, where are the.

[Jim Norton]

Points on the scoreboard? I have Lewis with one point.

[Big J Okerson]

Ah, Jesus Christ.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm coming back. Don't you worry.

[Jim Norton]

I have Mike Racine with four points. Big J and Jim Norton tied with six points each. And in the lead with 12 points, Mike Figgs.

[Big J Okerson]

Wow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Mike Figgs]

Yep.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't mind telling you that major shift comes to you thanks to double points.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Okay, let's take a quick moment and thank IP Vanish for supporting today's show. We love IP Vanish there. It's an important tool that allows you to safely surf the Internet without leaving a trace. We don't want to know how you spend your time online. I don't care what you're doing on weird websites. I don't care.

[Big J Okerson]

I do care, and I do want to know. But this is so I don't find out. We don't want to find out. But boy, do I want to know.

[Louis J. Gomez]

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[Big J Okerson]

That's right. You can jerk off in Texas. Again, IP Veteran, I'll tell you right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

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[Big J Okerson]

Alex? Story number six.

[Jim Norton]

My sibling and I. I wonder. My sibling and I both got Jack Skellington dolls for Christmas. Mine came with a removable head. When I grabbed the other one and pulled the head off. It wouldn't go back on. I got mine taken away.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That story just sucks compared to the dead dog. He took a doll's head off.

[Big J Okerson]

This could be Lewis. This could be Lewis big time.

[Alex]

Let's eliminate it's not Norton. Norton was getting Ace Freely Vinyls. He wasn't.

[Big J Okerson]

There was no time. It's not me. It's not me and Norton. Because if I got a Jack Skeleton doll, my parents thought I was. Yeah, I was an adult almost.

[Mike Figgs]

Who's Jack Skeleton? I don't know who it is.

[Louis J. Gomez]

From Nightmare Before Christmas in Burton.

[Alex]

Nightmare for Christmas.

[Mike Racine]

But me and my sibling.

[Big J Okerson]

Ah.

[Mike Racine]

Me and my sibling never got the same toys.

[Big J Okerson]

Huh?

[Mike Racine]

Me and my brother didn't get the same toys. Because your brother was special needs.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. He has special needs.

[Mike Racine]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, you can't hurt yourself with a Jack Skellington dog.

[Alex]

Yeah, you're supposed to make a special need for me.

[Big J Okerson]

You can really put anything in.

[Mike Figgs]

You can hide it. Hide him in. Oh, Jack's in the cave again. Oh, no.

[Alex]

Oh, an avocado.

[Mike Figgs]

Yay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Figs. You have a sibling.

[Alex]

I have a brother.

[Big J Okerson]

You didn't jerk off with him?

[Alex]

No.

[Mike Figgs]

How many siblings do you have, Mike Racine?

[Mike Racine]

Three.

[Mike Figgs]

But you have to tell the truth on the family questions.

[Alex]

Jack Skeleton.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, look, me and my sister were fat goths.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, they're fat goths.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It would have been a good gift, but my mother was too busy doing heroin.

[Big J Okerson]

And one of you would have tried to fuck the other one over. It's how you live your life. Life in this constant game of spy versus spy with you and your sister. And I'm gonna say this is Lewis and his sister in their extremely unstable household.

[Mike Figgs]

You've done again. You don't think you would have known that one already if he ripped a doll's head off?

[Big J Okerson]

No.

[Mike Figgs]

Maybe not.

[Big J Okerson]

No, no, no.

[Mike Racine]

It's another not great story.

[Alex]

I think it's received. I think it's received. I'm going straight to receipt. I think Lewis and Jay are. Are a little too old for Jack Skellington.

[Mike Figgs]

Yes.

[Big J Okerson]

Also Jack Skell for. For Christmas.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's like, what year did Jack Skellington. What? What year did come out?

[Alex]

It is go 94.

[Mike Figgs]

94. That's Mike Racine. How old are you?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, came out later than 94.

[Big J Okerson]

94. That's fine. It's definitely Lewis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Boom.

[Mike Figgs]

It's Racine.

[Alex]

Is that your acting face? Really bad now in 94.

[Big J Okerson]

No, that couldn't have been. Cuz I was I thought. I don't know.

[Mike Figgs]

I. Oh.

[Alex]

Can I erase it?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Damn.

[Big J Okerson]

Nope. Nope. Once you're in the. Once you're locked in here.

[Mike Figgs]

Okay. It's Louis. I got.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm 100% positive you and your sister got Jack.

[Alex]

Skeleton doll.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's Mike Racine.

[Mike Figgs]

Yep.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's definitely Microene.

[Big J Okerson]

It could be Microene, but everybody's locked in. Alex. Break our hearts.

[Jim Norton]

It was Microene.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah.

[Alex]

I said I'm sorry.

[Mike Racine]

It's not that great. I'm sorry my uncle's not a wop dog killer. I'm just my regular family. I'm not psycho walk dog killers in my family.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Was this your special needs brother?

[Mike Racine]

No, the other one.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The other one? Yeah. So you and him got.

[Big J Okerson]

There was another one the whole time?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

We were lied to.

[Alex]

Who did you have received.

[Mike Figgs]

God damn it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I wanted to pull ahead on that one. God damn it. I actually knew it was seen very early in the game. That was going to be my pick. The whole time, everyone.

[Mike Figgs]

I saw his picks, like his stories.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, where are points at on the scoreboard?

[Jim Norton]

In last place, I have Louis J. Gomez with five points.

[Big J Okerson]

All right, all right, all right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm catching up.

[Jim Norton]

Next up, I have Big J and Mike Racine tied with six points each.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Fix is beating our ass.

[Jim Norton]

Jim Norton with 10 points and Mike Figgs with 16 points.

[Alex]

You're right behind me, Jim. You're right behind me.

[Mike Figgs]

I am. I'm one good guess away.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, we are on story number seven.

[Jim Norton]

Story number seven. When I was six, I found my Christmas gifts hidden in the closet.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Sure.

[Mike Figgs]

They were right next to me when.

[Jim Norton]

I told my mother she beat the ever loving out of me.

[Mike Racine]

Lewis.

[Mike Figgs]

Lewis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It does sound like me. I will say that, yes.

[Mike Figgs]

Six gifts in the closet. That's a Louis J.

[Mike Racine]

Go story out of me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, you guys. I actually want you guys to vote for me. Please.

[Mike Figgs]

All right, I will.

[Alex]

Don't worry.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Please.

[Big J Okerson]

I am.

[Alex]

Jay didn't get hit by his mom. My mom didn't hit my mom.

[Big J Okerson]

Never beat the ever loving out of me. That's for sure.

[Louis J. Gomez]

My mom beat the ever loving. This is so. So. This is so on the nose for me that it's obviously me.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah, I agree. It's you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, that's not what I'm saying. Sure.

[Alex]

Wait.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I need. I need to catch up.

[Mike Figgs]

So, yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wait. I have a good story now.

[Mike Racine]

My aunt got a raccoon stuck in her.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Racine, did your parents hit you?

[Mike Racine]

Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Italians get hit with the belt. With the belt.

[Alex]

My mom never. My mom never laid a finger on me. My father hit me with Hot Wheel Tracks.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah.

[Alex]

But my mom never hit me.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, your father hit you with what?

[Alex]

Hot Wheel Tracks. You know, the orange tracks.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah.

[Alex]

He used to go, mira, he was the only Puerto Rican. He would hit me with their, like, nunchucks.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He would.

[Big J Okerson]

Hot Wheel Tracks. Always sounds like a van.

[Alex]

It hurts.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It hurts.

[Alex]

The Hot Wheel tracks.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Mike Figgs]

I mean, I was hit as a child. Soap scraped on the teeth. I would with a bar of soap. Scraped on my teeth. Yeah. So I was disciplined as a boy. Boy.

[Alex]

You ever kneel?

[Mike Figgs]

There you go.

[Alex]

You ever kneel on rice?

[Mike Figgs]

What's that?

[Alex]

Kneel on rice? No, I kneeled on rice.

[Mike Racine]

1920S.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's some hardcore, like, abusive. They put a hot sauce in your mouth and make you kneel on rice.

[Alex]

My mom would just pinch me.

[Mike Figgs]

He was blowing a delivery guy.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go early voting on this, and I'm gonna say, louis J. Gomez, featuring his psycho mom.

[Alex]

So easy. And be Lewis. It's so easy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And I mean, you guys are all. Don't put it in there, Jim. We're gonna give somebody so many points.

[Alex]

Beat the ever lose is trying to.

[Big J Okerson]

Sh us all away before it's too late.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm not shooting anyone. I'm letting you know you're literally good.

[Big J Okerson]

Why don't you make the pitch for why Fig shouldn't vote for you?

[Alex]

Yeah, I'm not leaning towards you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm leaning towards Racine again.

[Mike Figgs]

It might be because he had. No one's had two.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This is so on the nose that it's like, I wouldn't put this story in. It's ridiculous.

[Alex]

You guys are not gonna beat you if you found it at 10 and they were not.

[Mike Figgs]

Well, every time you guess me, and it ain't me, it's you.

[Alex]

You know what? You know what your parents at 10 just blatantly told you?

[Big J Okerson]

No.

[Alex]

He doesn't exist. So maybe at six years old, you got your ass kicked. I'm going with Jim Norton.

[Mike Figgs]

That means it's probably Mike Figs.

[Alex]

I'm going. Jimmy Norton. Sexy Jim Norton.

[Big J Okerson]

Everyone's answers are locked in. It's getting intense. Alex.

[Jim Norton]

That was Lewis J. Gomez.

[Mike Figgs]

Oh, I knew it. I wanted you to get at least. Figs is dumb. Ah, Daddy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I. I went in the closet. She didn't even hide them. They were just in the closet unwrapped. Shitty, dumb junkie. And I went in and I went and I opened. I opened the closet. I was like, oh, My God.

[Alex]

Cool.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I was happy. I was excited. I was like, oh, I found all these toys. And she just started punching me. There was no explanation. It wasn't like, oh, you, like, ruined Christmas. I went from being really happy that I found all these toys to being beat up by an adult without any explanation as to why it was happening.

[Big J Okerson]

But that is a heavy explanation as to who you are now.

[Mike Racine]

Damn, I'm glad she's dead.

[Mike Figgs]

Me, too.

[Alex]

Yeah, she sucked.

[Mike Racine]

She sucks.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She didn't deserve to win that lottery.

[Alex]

She did.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

How much.

[Alex]

How much. How much would she have won?

[Louis J. Gomez]

$5,000. It would have turned their whole world, changed her life.

[Big J Okerson]

Everything would have been different. She would have went back to school. Everything was going to be so good.

[Louis J. Gomez]

God damn it. There's no way for me to win this now.

[Big J Okerson]

What? You have a. What are we looking at?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, you'd be the owner of the.

[Mike Racine]

Best digital network fishing.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, Alex, points on the scoreboard.

[Jim Norton]

I have Luis J. Gomez with seven points. Points. All right, this is tied with 10 points each. I have Big J and Mike Racine with 14 points. I have Jim Norton. And still in the lead with 16 points, Mike Figgs.

[Big J Okerson]

Wow. Now.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

All right. Lewis cannot win this game. However, the good news is I can win this game. Nope.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I can.

[Big J Okerson]

You absolutely cannot.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes, I can.

[Big J Okerson]

Nope.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm only down. Oh, no. Nine points. Never mind.

[Big J Okerson]

There you go.

[Mike Figgs]

How many stories do we have left?

[Louis J. Gomez]

We have one more story.

[Big J Okerson]

One more story. Oh, cool.

[Mike Figgs]

I'm looking for.

[Big J Okerson]

And before you think you know. Oh, why should I even care anymore? It looks like Figgs is going to win this. That's not true. And remember that we're playing for the Sweet Potato Queen's Book of Love, which hilariously tackles topics like the true magic words guaranteed to get any man to do your bidding. Men who may need killing, quite frankly. And includes indulgent recipes for comfort eating, all while preaching the gospel of self empowerment, friendship, and the joys of living to the fullest. Southern style. What?

[Mike Racine]

And that's about a white woman.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They teach you how to kill men.

[Big J Okerson]

And how to cook Southern style.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Okay.

[Mike Racine]

You would think Sweet Potato Queen would be a white lady.

[Big J Okerson]

I would have thought so. Imagine my chagrin when I. We have reached our final. Oh, wait. But I want to tell you, Lewis, don't feel like you're out of the game, dude. It still matters what you vote for, because you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Dude.

[Big J Okerson]

Giant Killer, everybody.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You and Giant Killer. I'm pissed.

[Big J Okerson]

There's no reason to be pissed, buddy. I'm still in this for us. You know what's gonna bring this?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Bring more book home, dude.

[Big J Okerson]

Here we go. Alex. Story number eight.

[Jim Norton]

Story number eight. One year, my friend.

[Mike Figgs]

Yes.

[Jim Norton]

His mother.

[Mike Figgs]

I'm not saying nothing. I'm not saying Jimmy.

[Alex]

Jimmy.

[Mike Figgs]

Wow.

[Alex]

I'm not saying Jimmy. Come on, get your hand off. Off my side.

[Big J Okerson]

Jerry. Oh.

[Alex]

Oh, sorry. Go ahead, read it.

[Mike Figgs]

Oh.

[Big J Okerson]

Now go on it.

[Jim Norton]

One year, my friend, his mother, and my other friend came to my door with a. With a big gift for me and sang we wish you a merry Christmas. When I opened the door, they handed me the gift, and I had nothing for them, so I lied and said I was still wrapped.

[Mike Racine]

This is very like Lewis core, you know, like, hey, let's go give that Puerto Rican kid with a drug addict.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, yes.

[Mike Racine]

Present.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Mike Figgs]

Does he have friends that would sing to him, though? I definitely did. My friends would really like to come and give me things.

[Big J Okerson]

I was just saying, like, I've never was in a situation where I'd have to worry about this happening. But, Lewis, it does seem like maybe you were like the kid in town where they were like, we should do something nice for this piece of it, Right?

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Do you think that the town that I terrorized was trying to do nice things for me? Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

They understood. They were like, I don't give him too much. He's balding at 8.

[Mike Figgs]

You always pet the dog that is loud and shitty because you want that dog to like you.

[Big J Okerson]

Right?

[Mike Figgs]

Right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

And this may have been people saying, like, hey, maybe this kid will stop in my backyard. Yeah.

[Alex]

But Jay is quick on his feet. He'll have an excuse fast to say, oh, I'm still rapping like, you're. You're king of that.

[Mike Figgs]

That is true. You are.

[Alex]

You could improv bang.

[Big J Okerson]

And I am an awkward. Like. Like, I would in that moment feel like, oh, I should have something for them, I guess.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, but you're also from Philadelphia, which is hot garbage. They don't do things like that.

[Mike Figgs]

No, they don't. No, they do in Jersey.

[Alex]

What was the big gift, Racine?

[Mike Racine]

I don't know.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah. Did you not like the way they sang the song?

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, this could be. I mean, but again, why are they bringing the presence with multiple friends? Like, this is a. This is a poor.

[Mike Racine]

It's like a. Yeah. Charity.

[Big J Okerson]

A sad, just beaten dog.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's not me, but sure, vote for me. Idiots. Fools. I don't care.

[Alex]

Jay, you said that last time, and.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It was you, Jay, you're an idiot.

[Mike Racine]

You're a fool. It was Lewis because they thought he said, I'm rapping.

[Big J Okerson]

Sorry, guys. You caught me in my raptor.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This is not a shitty poor kid. This is like what nice people do.

[Alex]

To each other, right?

[Louis J. Gomez]

This is not. This isn't a charity case. No, no.

[Mike Racine]

His friend and his mom came over.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And dropped off a gift. More likely it is a nice kid, a nice boy and nice parents.

[Mike Figgs]

Nice.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But it's definitely probably Jim.

[Mike Figgs]

Oh, I don't know.

[Big J Okerson]

Maybe.

[Alex]

But what does that mean? If he reacted, he reacted right away. He was the first one.

[Mike Figgs]

Of course. The first one.

[Big J Okerson]

I think it. I know the gift I should have.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Throwing me the off right now.

[Alex]

It's Lewis probably big gift and saying, we wish you a merry Christmas.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah, but I opened it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Do you not know where I grew up on a dude.

[Big J Okerson]

I know, but in somehow in that bad neighborhood, you were still the town piece of.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You are retarded. I. Nobody's doing this in my neighborhood, Jay. I'm letting you know I'm playing giant killer. Nobody was doing this in my neighborhood, Dennis.

[Big J Okerson]

Jim, say no more.

[Mike Figgs]

I'm gonna say it's either me, Mike or Mike.

[Alex]

It's not. I lived in an apartment building, so nobody fucking came.

[Mike Figgs]

I had a home.

[Alex]

Yeah. You want me to vote for you?

[Mike Figgs]

You want.

[Alex]

No, he wants me to vote for him. It's received. He wants me to vote for him because he wants to win.

[Mike Figgs]

That's not true. I'm already winning.

[Alex]

You're not winning, Daddy. I'm ahead.

[Mike Figgs]

I'm down by two. But I know the answer to this story.

[Big J Okerson]

I know it's the last chance anyone has. It's so unscared.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I am so bad today at the this game. What is happening?

[Alex]

It's not Lewis.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Pull it together for somebody.

[Mike Figgs]

Why?

[Alex]

But Jay's fast. He's weird.

[Mike Figgs]

Jay's a very quick thinker. Then again, Lewis was the bad boy in the neighborhood who everybody was trying to receive.

[Alex]

Help me. Help me. Receive. What's going on in your head? Receive.

[Big J Okerson]

They made, like, a giant bike. They made a giant bike for Lewis to ride because his mom couldn't get him a bike.

[Mike Figgs]

I got a big bike as a boy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm just excited to find out what was in this big package.

[Alex]

They're not singing a Jersey. They're not singing in Philly. Where are you from?

[Mike Figgs]

I'm from Jersey. And they did sing there.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, they sang.

[Mike Figgs]

Oh, did they sing.

[Alex]

Racine. Racine. I'm still rapping it.

[Big J Okerson]

Boy, did those Jersey Heights.

[Mike Figgs]

Oh, could they belt out.

[Big J Okerson]

You are friends.

[Alex]

All right, well, who's that? Well, I mean. Lewis, help me out. Where you go, Lewis, what are you going to do?

[Louis J. Gomez]

What are you doing? I think it's Big J. Or normal Martin.

[Mike Figgs]

It's definitely one of us.

[Big J Okerson]

You think? You wouldn't have heard by the time the town conspired to get me.

[Alex]

Can I ask for audience? Can I use a lifeline?

[Big J Okerson]

No, you can pull, by the way. We don't gotta do that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But what does the audience think? Clap your hands if you think it's Jim Norton. All right.

[Big J Okerson]

Damn, that's not a lot.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Clap your hands if you think it's Mike Figgs.

[Big J Okerson]

Boo.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Clap your hands if you think it's Racine. No, clap your hands if you think it's Big J.

[Big J Okerson]

Really?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Clap yours if you think it's me.

[Big J Okerson]

I think it's Jo.

[Alex]

He's got the crown on his side. I just don't want to.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, they're not clapping for him.

[Alex]

No, they clapped.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What?

[Alex]

He said.

[Mike Figgs]

Clapping for me as well. They're clapping for my body of work. In addition.

[Alex]

They'Re clapping for. Tough crowd.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah, exactly.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm going. I'm going for. I'm going gym.

[Mike Figgs]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

I feel it in my gut.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I feel like the audience is honest. Something they know, something that we don't know. They're seeing it in a different way. They're not playing the.

[Alex]

While we're playing it. It. Big J. Okerson it.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm going with Jim.

[Mike Figgs]

All right.

[Alex]

Is everybody voting Jay?

[Mike Figgs]

I am putting my. My scene. I'm gonna put.

[Alex]

Oh, it's Jim. It's totally Jim. It's Jim.

[Mike Figgs]

Okay.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, oh. Oh, no.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, make it official.

[Jim Norton]

That was Jim Norton, everybody.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Damn it.

[Big J Okerson]

No. Leaving our final vote tally. What?

[Alex]

You're the man.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, no, they. Well, tell them. Help them. Tell the story for.

[Alex]

Well, the story.

[Mike Figgs]

It's. It's. I was probably, like, in 10th or 11th grade, and my friend Robert and his mother showed up with our other friend Bobby and I. I didn't know we were supposed to. What's up, dude? Merry Christmas, dude.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But.

[Mike Figgs]

And I opened the door, and it was humiliating. They just started saying, we wish you a Merry Christmas. And they handed me this giant box that was wrapped. I don't even remember. It was some game or board game or big game, and I had nothing for them, and I just said, oh, I got yours, but I'm wrapping it. And then they went away, and I just stopped.

[Big J Okerson]

Never spoke to them ever again.

[Mike Figgs]

No, it just kind of faded away. That's the truth. That's the whole story. Yeah. I'll never forget his mother's singing. It's humiliating.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I'll never forget her. Giant bucks. What's that, Alex?

[Big J Okerson]

Final tally.

[Mike Figgs]

What's the score? How much did I win by?

[Jim Norton]

Okay, final scorers. I have a Lewis in last place with 11 points.

[Mike Figgs]

That hurt.

[Big J Okerson]

Jesus.

[Jim Norton]

You know what? I lied. I'm sorry. I have Mike Racine in last point place with 10 points.

[Mike Figgs]

Oh, for Pete's sake, Mike.

[Jim Norton]

I have Lewis second to last with 11.

[Big J Okerson]

There you go, giant killer.

[Jim Norton]

In third place, I have big J. Okerson. 14 points.

[Big J Okerson]

Come the on.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ah.

[Jim Norton]

Second, fourth place, Mike Figgs with 16 points. And our winner tonight with 18 points is Jim Norton.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Our Christmas Story Warrior, Jim Norton. Guys, give. Give it up for Jim.

[Mike Figgs]

Thank you very much.

[Big J Okerson]

Jim. You enter an elite class of story warriors. You are one of the few, the proud and the brave. Story warriors. Everybody have a big round of applause for Jim Norton, your winner, everybody. And while you're clapping, give it up for everybody on this panel right now. Mike Figgs. Mike Racine. I'm Big J. Okerson. This is the Puerto Rican rattlesnake, Louis J. Gomez. We are the Story Warriors.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We.

[Big J Okerson]

We will catch you guys next time on Story Wars.