022. Felipe Esparza, Ryan Long, & Ian Fidance | Winter

Summary

Podcast Summary: Story Warz - Episode 022: Felipe Esparza, Ryan Long, & Ian Finance | Winter

Introduction In Episode 022 of Story Warz: A Game of Deceptive Storytelling, hosted by GaS Digital Network’s Big J Okerson and Louis J. Gomez, the show welcomes three prominent comedians: Felipe Esparza, Ryan Long, and Ian Finance. Filmed live at The Stand Comedy Club in New York City, the episode centers around the theme of "Winter," challenging contestants to share intriguing and deceptive stories related to the season.

Game Explanation At [02:40], Louis J. Gomez outlines the rules of Story Warz. Each panelist, including the hosts, submits three to five stories based on the Winter theme. Alex, presumably a co-host or assistant, reads each story aloud. If the story belongs to a contestant, their goal is to conceal their identity and deceive others. Conversely, if a story is not theirs, their task is to deduce the true author. Points are awarded as follows:

• 2 points for correctly identifying the storyteller.
• 1 point for successfully deceiving others.

Round 1: Winter Conflicts The first story revolves around a familial conflict during Christmas Eve, where a family member is punched for making an insensitive joke.

• Notable Quote:
  • Felipe Esparza shares at [10:59], “My friend knocked out my brother like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Commando,” adding a humorous twist to the violent incident.

Panelists engage in lively debates, with accusations flying and humorous jabs exchanged. Felipe’s storytelling prowess shines as he skillfully weaves deception, ultimately leading to his first point when his story is correctly identified at [10:47].

Round 2: Snowball Fights and Police Encounters At [13:08], a second story describes a snowball fight that escalates into a police intervention when a firearm is involved. The story’s authenticity is questioned, with panelists debating whether it aligns with Felipe’s or another contestant’s style.

• Notable Quote:
  • Ian Finance narrates at [17:34], “They were trying to freeze me to death,” adding dramatic flair to the encounter.

After intense deliberation, it's revealed that Louis J. Gomez authored this tale, earning him points for successfully misleading the panel.

Round 3: New Year’s Kissing Mishaps The third narrative involves a humorous New Year's Eve scenario where the storyteller is labeled a bad kisser, leading to unexpected lessons from a senior.

• Notable Quote:
  • Ryan Long at [22:16], “Whoa,” reacting to the comedic twist of being taught how to kiss properly.

Ryan's engaging delivery and relatability earn him the lead with multiple correct guesses, highlighting his comedic timing and storytelling skills.

Round 4: Slippery Excuses A fourth story details a failed attempt to fake an injury by slipping on ice to skip school, resulting in an actual fall.

• Notable Quote:
  • Louis J. Gomez shares at [34:15], “The world was ending if it was bad weather,” emphasizing the lengths taken to avoid school.

This story is attributed to Ian Finance, showcasing his flair for exaggerated and humorous anecdotes, thereby securing additional points.

Halftime and Audience Engagement At [19:30], the scoreboard reflects the competitive nature of the game, with Ian Finance leading and Felipe Esparza steadily advancing. The hosts introduce a halftime segment, briefly acknowledging sponsors and promoting upcoming specials from the guests.

Round 5: Hospital Nights and Late-Night Sledding In the penultimate round, stories range from spending nights in hospitals due to sledding accidents to wild ski trips during junior high.

• Notable Quote:
  • Felipe Esparza recounts at [62:42], “We ended up banging on top of the pool table in the rec room,” blending absurdity with humor.

The panelists’ debates become more intense, with Felipe’s narrative ultimately being accepted as genuine, significantly boosting his score.

Final Round: Ski Weekend Make-Outs The final story describes a ski weekend where the storyteller ends up making out with a girl, leading to humorous and chaotic consequences.

• Notable Quote:
  • Felipe Esparza concludes at [71:42], “And I got stacked cuz she didn’t give me a hand job,” adding a raw and comedic edge to the story.

This story is accurately identified as Felipe’s, cementing his position as the episode’s winner.

Conclusion and Winner Announcement At [72:01], Alex reveals the final scores:

• Felipe Esparza emerges victorious with 16 points, winning a copy of Arctic Dreams by Barry Lopez.
• Ian Finance leads initially but is eventually outpaced by Felipe.
• Ryan Long and Louis J. Gomez follow closely, showcasing their comedic talents throughout the episode.

Notable Final Quote:

• Felipe Esparza at [72:43], “I would like to thank Edith. Wherever you're at. Dirty slut,” caps off the episode with his signature humor.

Key Takeaways

• Competitive Spirit: The episode highlights the competitive yet jovial nature of Story Warz, with each panelist striving to outwit the others through deceptive storytelling.
• Comedic Dynamics: The interplay between Big J, Louis J., Felipe, Ryan, and Ian offers a rich tapestry of humor, from slapstick to sharp-witted banter.
• Winner’s Edge: Felipe Esparza’s storytelling finesse and ability to deceive effectively secured his win, rewarding him with a thoughtfully chosen book that aligns with the episode’s intellectual undertone.

Final Thoughts Episode 022 of Story Warz masterfully blends humor, deception, and camaraderie, providing listeners with an engaging and entertaining experience. Felipe Esparza’s triumph underscores the importance of creativity and wit in the realm of comedic storytelling.

Transcript

[Big J Okerson]

Fill her up.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

[Ian Finance]

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story wars with the Story Warriors, Big J Okerson and Louis J. Gomez.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What's up, everybody?

[Ian Finance]

Welcome.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Welcome to Story Wars. Energy was great.

[Ian Finance]

Oh, we're sorry that we're starting late, guys. We had to negotiate with Italians.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We had some goombas with spaghetti on their breath giving us a hard time. It is Story wars, everybody. We are your Story Warriors. I'm Big J Okerson. That is the Puerto Rican rattlesnake Louis J. Gomez, everybody.

[Ian Finance]

The number one Story warrior in the world that' want to separate us, Shay. But, you know, to call us both Story warriors like we're on equal footing is a little crazy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Why are you stirring up drama?

[Ian Finance]

I'm sorry, dude. I really am aggressive today.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, you're all aggressive. Duff. This book seems all up. We have an amazing, amazing group of people coming up on stage here to play the game with us today. Starting first, everybody, in no particular order, you know him from the Being Ian with Jordan podcast, everybody, it's the hilarious Ian Finance.

[Ian Finance]

And your second panelist on Story wars, you know him from the boys cast. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together as loudest for the one and only Ryan Long.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And everybody, our final contestant of the show today, everybody, for the first time on the show, everybody, very, very excited to have him. Everyone from the what's up fool podcast, everybody. How about it for the hilarious Felipe Esparza, everybody?

[Ian Finance]

How exciting.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We really do make the. The guests really have to saunter through the whole audience. Do a little hey, what's up, gang? Welcome to Story wars, everybody. I'll explain the game very quickly as we do every show. And I gotta tell you, we got it. We're getting pretty good at it.

[Ian Finance]

Yep.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Everybody on this panel, including Lewis and myself, has submitted three to five stories on a given subject. Today's subject is the winter. The winter, everybody. We've submitted our stories. Alex is going to read those stories off one at a time. You will see it on the screen, and then if it's your story, it is your job to not let anybody else in the panel know that you're supposed to keep it to yourself and you're trying to fool people. If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is. We have fun conversations that ensue.

[Ian Finance]

And for every time you guess the correct story, you get two points, and every person you fool, you get one point. It seems a little bit confusing, but, guys, I promise you, you'll Catch on pretty quickly. Are you guys ready for war?

[Louis J. Gomez]

You've been there. Getting so good at that. We're getting so, so good at that. All right, everybody here, you guys know Story wars out there, right? Well, then, you know, then we don't sit here and play for nothing. Everybody.

[Ian Finance]

You think. You think this is for the love of the game?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Not at all, everybody. This week's winner of Story wars will receive a copy of Arctic Dreams by Barry Lopez. Arctic Dreams by Barry Lopez is a profound exploration of the Arctic region, blending natural history, cultural insights, and personal reflection.

[Ryan Long]

Wow, Christmas has come early.

[Ian Finance]

This is a big deal, folks. If you get this under your tree. Arctic Dreams, it truly is a dream.

[Louis J. Gomez]

An Arctic dream. Alex. Story number one.

[Alex]

Story number one. I punched a family member at Christmas Eve.

[Ryan Long]

Lewis. Lewis. I call Lewis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's only got one living family member. It's his, like, great aunt.

[Ian Finance]

She knew she had what was coming to her. That.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you old fat Lewis.

[Alex]

Alex, I punched a family member at Christmas dinner for making a fat joke about my girlfriend.

[Felipe Esparza]

Jay.

[Big J Okerson]

Take that, Mom.

[Ian Finance]

All right, so I'm gonna take Ryan out of it. Ryan's not dating fat girls. Gotta take Ian out of it. Ian's a homosexual.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, he doesn't date guys.

[Ryan Long]

Yes. It wasn't a punch, it was a slap.

[Ian Finance]

Now, Big J, he's been with a couple big girls in my. I've seen. And Felipe, I'm assuming, since you are Mexican, Big J, you also have been.

[Louis J. Gomez]

With some larger women, maybe, probably.

[Ian Finance]

Felipe, have you been with larger women before?

[Felipe Esparza]

A lot of them.

[Louis J. Gomez]

A lot of them.

[Ryan Long]

I feel like if it was Felipe would have said, I punched my tia.

[Louis J. Gomez]

At Christmas dinner for me, the auntie.

[Ian Finance]

I feel you are. You're. You're from the west coast, right? Original. Yeah. So the West Coast Mexicans are very dangerous, violent people here in the East Coast. They're very. They're in the kitchen. They're friendly. They're jolly and jovial.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Louis, do you think that's a description of. Oh, you're not Mexican.

[Big J Okerson]

No, that would have said shot instead of punch.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, that's true.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. We got into my. I had some knife violence with a family member. I. My instinct on this one is Felipe. Large family. There could be a lot of. In there. You know what I mean? I don't have large family, so I would have had to punch, like, a stepfather or a brother. That would have been weird.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Louis, you don't have a lot of family members.

[Ryan Long]

I only have a mom, Ian.

[Ian Finance]

But do you date Big girls.

[Ryan Long]

Sometimes you call dates downstairs.

[Big J Okerson]

They're pretty big.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's what you mean by big.

[Felipe Esparza]

We barely have food.

[Ryan Long]

I've only brought like one girl home to my mom, so. No. Yeah, it's my mom. My mom would never say that.

[Big J Okerson]

She'd be like, well, yeah, because she's gonna get clocked again.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You got no other. No. No holiday din. Family ever? No.

[Ryan Long]

Sucks.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Ryan Long]

You can't really punch a ghost.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ryan doesn't seem like he has a big Christmasy family.

[Ian Finance]

Maybe with a Canadian. I don't even know if they celebrate Christmas.

[Big J Okerson]

I'll tell you what, this Canadian business was throwing me off trying to write these with winter stories because every story throws me off. I'm like, yeah. So I'm skating down by the pond.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Like every story.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We're watching Christmas day hockey, eh?

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

Every story for Canadian is a winter story.

[Felipe Esparza]

Yeah.

[Ryan Long]

So there I was in the middle of June, covered in snow.

[Ian Finance]

Oh, so cold.

[Felipe Esparza]

My boy brought a bear.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I. I'm gonna. I. My first instinct goes is Felipe. I'm gonna stick with my first instinct. God damn it. But I don't.

[Big J Okerson]

I'll tell you why it might not be him, though. Cuz you're like, you ever dated fat girls? He goes a ton. So he wasn't even trying to throw you off the scent at all?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No.

[Ian Finance]

Maybe he was naming one girl in her weight.

[Ryan Long]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

One 2,000 pound woman, one tooth.

[Ryan Long]

I think it.

[Ian Finance]

Maybe.

[Ryan Long]

I don't want to say Felipe seems too nice.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

Philippe is not a violent guy.

[Ryan Long]

Family member, but he seems loyal, like he would protect someone.

[Big J Okerson]

Like, you wouldn't want to talk about his girl.

[Ryan Long]

So it's tough.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Can't talk about his girl. Especially that drunk piece of Mexican son of a. Uncle.

[Ryan Long]

You know what?

[Ian Finance]

Also like Ian said, he only.

[Big J Okerson]

Also, you have to remember with Mexicans, right? There's a big family, a huge family. We're talking third cousin.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

There's 80, 000 people at this gathering.

[Ryan Long]

Five abuelitas.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Y. Yeah. Your cousin's cousin can catch a punch in the.

[Ian Finance]

I got to say, I am a little. Ian very quickly threw it to me and then he started saying how he's only brought one girl home ever. You don't have to tell the truth on story words. It's a game of deception for that too.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Only the story. Only the story has to be true.

[Ian Finance]

Story's got to be true. Ian could be a dirty liar and he could have dated some chubby girl.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And have a huge family.

[Ian Finance]

I really have only Heard about Ian's mom, though, to be honest with you, I haven't heard about any other family members.

[Ryan Long]

I know this has been a long con for years. Wanting to win story wars.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It was all for story wars. I got a huge family.

[Felipe Esparza]

I was thinking maybe Jay, maybe, like, you know, growing up, he would put in a foster family. And.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That'S true. You're not my real family. And then punch them. Why do I bring all my fat girlfriends to my not family?

[Ian Finance]

Jay is willing to punch a person, but I know him better than probably anybody else knows him in the world. And I would have heard about him punching a family member about making a joke about a fat girlfriend. Not Jay.

[Big J Okerson]

He'd be more likely to punch the girl and lose weight. You're embarrassing me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, no, my family knows you're fat. Why'd you take your jacket off?

[Ian Finance]

You know what? I'm gonna. I'm gonna be the first to vote. Since everyone accuses me of voting last. I'm gonna go, Ian. I think he's trying to throw me off.

[Ryan Long]

Lazy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm getting one early too. And by the way, everyone, when you write your answer and put it in your stand, that's your final locked in answer. That's it until it's in the stand. You could play with it all you like.

[Ian Finance]

Oh, you really think it's me?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, a bunch of people just because punched.

[Big J Okerson]

I heard puncher.

[Ryan Long]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Can I tell you guys something?

[Ryan Long]

This is more of a yeller than a puncher.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Before we explain all this, let me tell you something. A girl Lewis dated at one time got called fat by a bunch of guys in front of all of us. And none of us did anything.

[Ian Finance]

Nope. Well, let me say this. We were in Philly at a UFC event. It was gonna be like a five on four fight. And we maybe could have taken them, but she just was too fat to make it worth it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. No one was fucking her at that point.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, he was like. He was like, you and your fat girlfriend. We're like, what?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Everyone's like, you don't say, fuck me. We all looked at Lewis like, you're the closest to who he's talking about.

[Ian Finance]

It's like, dude, I'm not going to fucking fight for this girl's honor. Or you changed it to Jay. Felipe changed it to Jay.

[Ryan Long]

I changed mine to Felipe.

[Ian Finance]

You guys, let me just say, I will let you gu it once it's in. Once it's in the holder, you can't change it. But that we're gonna let you guys bend the rules.

[Felipe Esparza]

I changed it. Cause I misspelled Ian. I had it with a Y.

[Ian Finance]

He just gave up on the spelling of E. And he was like, I'm never voting for Ian, Alex. All of our stories are in.

[Alex]

That was Felipe, everyone.

[Ryan Long]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

Yes.

[Ryan Long]

Good for you.

[Felipe Esparza]

My. My fucking girlfriend. My fucking girlfriend was pregnant at the time, man.

[Ryan Long]

Oh, my God.

[Felipe Esparza]

And my mom was making like, some turkey sh. My. My mom asked what part of the turkey or lady likes. And my brother said he was kind of fucked up. Goes, look at this fat anything. And then everybody started laughing. My dad was laughing, and I. I outboard my brother like Arnold Schwarzenegger and commando like this. And I busted his teeth.

[Ryan Long]

Good for you.

[Felipe Esparza]

And then I had to go to a AA meeting afterwards. I wanted to everybody up.

[Ian Finance]

So, Felipe, you're telling me that funny runs family?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, but that's great.

[Ian Finance]

Brother was hilarious.

[Felipe Esparza]

Yeah, he's hilarious.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. You had to punch him. And that's crazy. She was pregnant.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, That's.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So did she know him well?

[Felipe Esparza]

No.

[Ian Finance]

And.

[Felipe Esparza]

And then she didn't hear the joke. So everybody laughing around her. She's looking around like.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Which makes you extra mad.

[Ryan Long]

Yeah. So did you get up and say anything?

[Felipe Esparza]

No, just out of him. Him up. Then my dad saw that his nose was bleeding and he put his plate down. Get the out of here.

[Ian Finance]

Oh, he kicked you out.

[Felipe Esparza]

You too.

[Ryan Long]

Wow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He was laughing. He was. They were. All adults were laughing at your girlfriend.

[Ryan Long]

Why did you go to an AA meeting and not him?

[Felipe Esparza]

Oh, because I was gonna get. Go back and him up, you know.

[Ryan Long]

Oh, wow.

[Felipe Esparza]

The only cheap therapy I knew.

[Ryan Long]

Wow.

[Big J Okerson]

When your girlfriend left, did she take a couple chicken legs for the.

[Felipe Esparza]

No, we were walking. We were walking out. She said, you're right. She said, but I haven't eaten.

[Ian Finance]

I should have bitched myself.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're fine.

[Ian Finance]

Alex, where are our points at?

[Alex]

On the scoreboard.

[Big J Okerson]

Forgot how much I suck in this game.

[Ryan Long]

Yeah. You wrote your own name.

[Alex]

I have Louis J. Gomez and Ryan Long with zero points each. And I have Big J, Ian and Felipe, all tied with two points each.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes. Moving. Yes and shaken.

[Ryan Long]

Has anyone here ever punched a family member?

[Felipe Esparza]

My name is F E O I.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Position.

[Ian Finance]

Aside from I punch my sister sometimes. Still.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Ryan Long]

She deserved an uncle.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Really?

[Ian Finance]

He was molesting you, though?

[Ryan Long]

Well, he was punching me in the mouth of his penis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That was part of. That was part of his kink.

[Ryan Long]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right. Oh, Ryan, take your board down.

[Big J Okerson]

Yes, sir.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And Alex, story number two.

[Alex]

Story number two. When I was a teenager, I was involved in a Snowball fight with a bunch of black youths lived nearby.

[Ryan Long]

Jay.

[Alex]

It ended with the police being called because a gun was pulled.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This could be me.

[Ian Finance]

It sounds so much like a J story.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Y. Yeah, this does. I did a lot of black youth reach out when I was younger.

[Ian Finance]

Black youths is a great way to put it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, that's the black youth hates. Now, this could be Louis because. And I'll tell you why, Louis. Alex will make changes in a story sometimes so it's suitable for the show or so doesn't give too much away. Black use may have been a correcting what Lewis sent in. So.

[Ryan Long]

Yeah, you don't know.

[Ian Finance]

You don't want to know what I wrote. Yeah, originally.

[Ryan Long]

Yeah, it was a different word for black.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, yeah, maybe. Maybe it was me. It also sound. It sounds like a me story. I. I would pull a gun on black youths. You're right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, I didn't see.

[Ryan Long]

Oh.

[Ian Finance]

Because a gun was pulled.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But good move, though. Acting like maybe you read it a little bit wrong. Oh, you fucking cunt.

[Ian Finance]

I'm good at the.

[Felipe Esparza]

I'm good acting.

[Ian Finance]

I'm good at the game, but I'm bad at it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. You know, and then the guy pulls the gun out in the story. Oh, wait, am I reading it wrong? Oh, oh, yeah, Yeah, I guess. Must have read that wrong.

[Big J Okerson]

I mean, there's no. There's no snowball fights in Los Angeles.

[Ian Finance]

That is true.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You go to top.

[Big J Okerson]

And also, if this was you, it'd be me. And some black youths were in a snowball fight with these idiots, and we.

[Felipe Esparza]

Started eating snow cones afterwards.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, yeah, A snowball.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Black ewes is a rarity. Wherever Ryan's from.

[Big J Okerson]

They come out fully for.

[Ian Finance]

They hatch at 30.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They don't come out until they've reached.

[Ian Finance]

Canadian. Blacks hatch at 30.

[Big J Okerson]

They come out when they can be tried as an adult.

[Felipe Esparza]

They could have been dark Pakistanians.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's true.

[Ryan Long]

Yeah, we're indigenous.

[Ian Finance]

Ian, you grew. You grew up in kind of the hood, right?

[Ryan Long]

I grew up like, five minutes outside of the hood.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Guys, keep in mind we're taking snowball fight very literally. This could have been an argument that broke out because people were spitting cummin to each other.

[Ian Finance]

That is true. Ian.

[Ryan Long]

Ian, it was snowball. All right, all right, all right, all right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

This could have also been on our basketball court.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Maybe also a coke situation or some sort. They're talking about cocaine.

[Ian Finance]

I think Jay's doing a lot of talking right now.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, I think it sounds like a Philadelphia guy.

[Ian Finance]

It does sound like. Look, Jay grew Up amongst black youths.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I did.

[Ian Finance]

And the words black youths is something Jay would say.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Teach the truth to the young black youth. Yeah, it's right there in my positive raps.

[Ian Finance]

Are you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Now Lewis is yelling and yelling to throw everybody off.

[Ian Finance]

And look, now he's putting it on me because it's 100 him.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Nope.

[Big J Okerson]

Okay.

[Felipe Esparza]

I think Jay was a basketball coach and got him grew up amongst black youths.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I did.

[Ian Finance]

Questionable.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I did. In fact.

[Big J Okerson]

No. I don't know which one of you three it is.

[Ian Finance]

Ian, you are a fool.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I would have never wrote black youths. Utes. No.

[Ian Finance]

The utes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Nah. And Lewis is throwing. Trying to throw off. You're giving Lewis point. You're just giving him points.

[Ian Finance]

He's bad acting. Big J, you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Everyone's answers are in Alex.

[Alex]

That was Louis J. Go.

[Ryan Long]

Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Can I give you a.

[Ian Finance]

Exactly how I wrote it?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'll give you.

[Ian Finance]

And I wrote black youths in my mind going. Jay would write black youths, I believe.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I thought you wrote it with a shaky hand trying not to write something else. I was in a fight, snowball fight with a bunch of.

[Ian Finance]

So I've told a version of this story, but I changed it enough that I don't think you'd remember it. I don't even know if I told that on this show, but. So I was in a snowball fight with a bunch of black youths. And it was me versus maybe, you know, 20 or 30. Who knows how many there was. So many.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Just you.

[Ian Finance]

It was versus. We were having a. We're having a fun time. Then I ran in my shitty. I had a giant Chevy Caprice, like a huge old cop car. And I got in my car because they were fucking Just destroying me. They're black. They're fucking. They could throw really hard. And then they all surrounded my car and started packing my car in snow, packing my tires in, so I couldn't. I couldn't drive away. And they were literally just like. They were just trying to. I don't know what they were trying to do. They were trying to freeze me to death, I think. So I had a paintball gun in my car. So I took out my paintball gun and I opened the window and I pointed it out. And they're like, oh, he's gonna get. And then they all ran. And then I.

[Big J Okerson]

The gun was pulled. It was you with a paintball gun?

[Ian Finance]

It was giving me a paintball gun.

[Louis J. Gomez]

With the big thing on top.

[Ian Finance]

I didn't have the thing on top. And then I drove off. I drove off. Right. But some. One of Them or one of their parents called the cops saying that I had a gun. And the cops pulled me over and just fucking fist fucked my entire car. And I was like, it's a pain. I was like, I don't have a gun.

[Big J Okerson]

And then she and the huge group of black kids were like, that guy's a criminal.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

And the cops. I remember the cops were like. I was like, all right, can I go? They were like, no. They're like, we'll find something wrong with your car. And then they went around my car trying to find things, and there's things.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All packed with snow.

[Ian Finance]

They gave me a ticket for the dice in the mirror and a broken or red dice.

[Big J Okerson]

What are you?

[Ryan Long]

What are you, the Fresh Prince of Bel Air?

[Louis J. Gomez]

You didn't think that sentence down before you said it?

[Ian Finance]

No.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They got me for my fuzzy dice and my.

[Felipe Esparza]

And my Jesus.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And my air freshener was a picture of David Hasselhoff and my Jesus.

[Felipe Esparza]

Blankety, he's got the black.

[Big J Okerson]

And then the black kid said, we are, we are. Youth of Jamaica. DoD reference. Because he's into rap. They were into rap.

[Ian Finance]

Rap. That was good. We are, we are. Alex, where are our points at?

[Alex]

All right. On the scoreboard, I have Ryan Long with zero points. I have Lewis and Felipe with two points each. And I have Ian and Big J Okerson tied in the lead with four.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm doing all right today.

[Big J Okerson]

I also kind of a lie because he said a gun was pulled and there was a paintball gun.

[Ryan Long]

A paintball what Gun?

[Ian Finance]

That's not a lie at all. That was above board. Yeah, I make up the rules. That's okay, dude.

[Ryan Long]

All I'm saying is, when I heard mystic river was on the docket for winning, I said, I'm playing for keeps.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What book did you think? Mystic river, you son of a bitch.

[Ryan Long]

Big Mystic.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's called Arctic Dreams by Barry Lopez. Through a series of evocative essays, Lopez delves into the harsh beauty of the Arctic landscape, its wildlife, and the indigenous people who have inhabited it for centuries.

[Ryan Long]

Wow. If I don't win it, I'm gonna steal it.

[Ian Finance]

Let's take a quick moment and talk about our brand new sponsor, which is Turtle Beach. Guys, put your hands together for Turtle beach, one of the most trusted names in gaming hardware. They sent us these incredible headphones that I've been using both to play games and to podcast. I just used them on Legion of Skanks the other day. Amazing, high quality sounding headphones with a microphone built in. They're the Turtle beats Stealth 7 hundreds.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They have an insane 80 hour B life with quick charging. So you rarely have to think about charging it, which is very, very nice. I travel a lot, so it's huge. Battery life is a huge thing for me. Yeah, they can connect to your phone for music streaming or taking calls and you can listen to your favorite songs. Gaming. All done with the Stealth 700s. Absolutely amazing headsets.

[Ian Finance]

And they don't just have amazing headsets. They have every gaming accessory you could ever think of. All high quality. You guys heard of, have heard of Turtle Beach? You probably used Turtle Beach. I was using Turtle beach before they even became a sponsor. So I got super excited when they came on. If you go to turtlebeach.com and order anything, they're gonna give you 10% off with the promo code wars. W A R Z. Get the ultimate immersive gaming experience today with Turtle beach. Once again, that is turtlebeach.com use that promo code wars with a Z for 10% off. All right, where were we? Alex.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Thank you, sir.

[Ian Finance]

Alex. Story number three.

[Alex]

Story number three.

[Ryan Long]

Thanks for picking that up. CEO of UnitedHealthcare.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's wearing the outfit.

[Ryan Long]

Yeah, you better be careful.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This guy stands for United Healthcare.

[Ryan Long]

Fuck you.

[Alex]

Story number three. At a New Year's Eve party, girls lined up for me to kiss them at midnight. And by the time I got to the last girl, word had already spread that I was a bad kisser. At the next party, a senior took me into a car and taught me how to kiss Ryan.

[Ryan Long]

Whoa.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This is only a handsome story like that.

[Big J Okerson]

My story. So there's a lineup of girls waiting to kiss me.

[Ian Finance]

If this is you, I hate you. Yeah, that be crazy.

[Ryan Long]

This is a tall word spread that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I was a bad kisser. So they were like, hey, let me teach you while I suck.

[Big J Okerson]

Your cop sucked me off instead. Since some of the teachers wanted to taste.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Okay, this also could be some kind of a crazy chola situation.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, maybe he was jumping them into a gang. They had a.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They had to roll the dice. And then everyone them.

[Ian Finance]

You roll the dice, put them in your mirror.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Put them on your mirror.

[Felipe Esparza]

You gotta kiss a lot of shy girls.

[Ryan Long]

I don't know.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm gonna kiss all you.

[Ryan Long]

I don't know. This does sound like a young Big J horror story.

[Ian Finance]

So you should have had Felipe sit next to you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, Ian's smoking cigarettes. Felipe, you keep that. That's a good friend.

[Ian Finance]

That is a good friend.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'll smoke this one.

[Ian Finance]

I mean, this is worded spread.

[Ryan Long]

Worded spread.

[Ian Finance]

I mean, there's just only one I can. I can imagine this happening to you, Ryan, maybe Ian.

[Big J Okerson]

There's no chance. I would write a story down where I had a line of girls trying to kiss me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ian was in like, hardcore scene. This might be like a weird, like, girl tattooed next.

[Ian Finance]

No, no.

[Big J Okerson]

He could have had drugs New Year's Eve way.

[Felipe Esparza]

I think Louise, he could have been like in a Menudo cover band.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Only someone of Ryan's handsome would have this story be real. Admit he was a bad kisser and then be like. But then, don't worry. Someone older than me taught me how.

[Ryan Long]

This crazy this is tall guy story, man. And you're. You were like tattooed.

[Big J Okerson]

Le is tall.

[Ryan Long]

You were in a ska band.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ian, you're the only short king here, bro.

[Big J Okerson]

You're the only one who thinks that's cool here.

[Ryan Long]

I don't know. I'm saying Big J. I feel like this is like a. A young story for big me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, you think a New Year's Eve girls lined up to kiss me in midnight? I would have never stopped talking about this.

[Felipe Esparza]

They were all strippers.

[Ian Finance]

Jay wouldn't have gotten into comedy had that happen.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Comedy? Like, why would you come? I'm gonna work at a Wawa and get my dick sucked constantly.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, Ryan.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I have no personality.

[Ian Finance]

He was in a ska band. He was.

[Ryan Long]

He was like.

[Ian Finance]

He was bacon can and he was jigs. Ryan gets, I'll tell you right now.

[Big J Okerson]

Lined up for me. Ryan, you cold ass cars at your own accord. Vote for me.

[Ian Finance]

Also, also, if it wasn't me, who.

[Big J Okerson]

Would you think it would be?

[Ian Finance]

Felipe, kind of. I feel like this could be a Felipe. Felipe.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Nobody on this panel.

[Ian Finance]

No, but listen to me. If you look in Felipe's face, there's a young, handsome Latino right in there. Dude, he's in there. Dude.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Felipe's got gorgeous eyes. He's gorgeous.

[Felipe Esparza]

People say I look like Salma Hayek.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's true. In Desperado. Her prime.

[Ryan Long]

Oh, my God.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Her prime.

[Ryan Long]

Wow. Now it's more Salma Hayek and from Dusk till Dawn.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, listen, this could be Felipe. The only other person that possibly could be is Felipe.

[Ian Finance]

That was a good joke, Ryan.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm sorry.

[Ian Finance]

Saw my high Ick. Sorry. I stole Ryan's joke and got a laugh.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He took the valor. Great joke, Ryan. I'll say it.

[Ian Finance]

Well, he said it differently.

[Big J Okerson]

I said, it's too much commotion.

[Ian Finance]

You know what? It's got to be Ryan. Ryan's just hot. It. It's. He wants the points. It's definitely.

[Ryan Long]

Look at how much you're defending. Yeah, I call it Ryan long dick.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, probably.

[Ryan Long]

That's a lot.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Probably.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't even know who's guessed to copy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

My only hope is that it's thin.

[Ryan Long]

Oh, Ryan needle dick.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I hope you have your long.

[Ian Finance]

Everyone, if it's not Ryan, somebody just cleaned up.

[Big J Okerson]

Someone cleaned up, you idiot.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, okay.

[Big J Okerson]

There's no. I would never do this.

[Ian Finance]

Alex.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ryan with two ends, the extra N's for getting pussy.

[Ian Finance]

What is the extra N for?

[Ryan Long]

Black hues.

[Big J Okerson]

It's a J. It's J or Phil.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Thank you, Ryan. I'll take it. I wish all of you voted for me and think this is something that would be in my somehow history story. That the night that all the girls lined up to kiss me and then they were like, oh, they were all so bummed out when they found I wasn't good at it. That one was like, I'll teach it him. Remember that, Alex.

[Ian Finance]

Our votes are in.

[Alex]

Wow. You guys, this was Ian Finance.

[Ryan Long]

I'm getting the book. I'm getting the book. Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Were you nervous?

[Ryan Long]

Women love a little Gremlin, man.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Were you nervous?

[Ryan Long]

I was wearing a Mr. T shirt and his mohawk was. Was fuzzy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Were you nervous when I was pointing out that you hung out like you were in the fucking hardcore scene?

[Ryan Long]

Yep. I averted eye contact.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So these girls. We're picturing a bunch of like cute high school girls going like, I guess I'm next. This may have been some fucking tatted up fucking monsters, dude.

[Ryan Long]

I was a.

[Big J Okerson]

You're saying I was the Legion hall janitorial?

[Ian Finance]

Ian, tell the story. How many girls was this?

[Ryan Long]

I was a sophomore in high school.

[Ian Finance]

School.

[Ryan Long]

December 31st is my birthday.

[Ian Finance]

You weren't soft no more.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Ryan Long]

Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You were at a middle school New Year's Eve party.

[Ryan Long]

Yes, I was in A. I'm 35. I'm. I'm 32. I'm at a Kinsier in Wilmington, Delaware.

[Louis J. Gomez]

These girls are so susceptible to fake promises.

[Big J Okerson]

And these girls want dinner, which I provide.

[Ryan Long]

I jiggled my car keys and it was on. No, I was a sophomore in high school. They lined up because they were like, it'd be funny. And so I don't know what that's about, but we lined up and by the end they were like, you're a horrible kisser. And then at the next party, the senior took me into her car and taught me how to kiss. And then I make a wish.

[Big J Okerson]

I've been a good kiss senior or senor.

[Ian Finance]

Senor.

[Ryan Long]

I'm sorry, A senor it was Felipe.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yo, bro. All the girls are saying you're a bad kisser. Let me take you in the car real quick, show you what's up, huh?

[Ryan Long]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

More tongue.

[Ryan Long]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

What was her technique that she taught you?

[Ryan Long]

You have to. It's a hop in the deck. Well, I didn't know.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I, I, like, don't give purple nurses.

[Ryan Long]

I, like. I was just like.

[Big J Okerson]

They told him to stop saying mommy while he was doing it.

[Ryan Long]

No, that would make me. All right, you know, I can't. I'm not good with words. Louis, let me show you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's easier if he just shows you. Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

Alex, where are our points at?

[Ryan Long]

I getting that book on the scoreboard.

[Alex]

In last place, with zero points, I have. Ryan Long, Lewis and Felipe are tied with two points each. Big J Okerson has four points. And in the lead with a perfect game so far is Ian Finance with eight points.

[Ian Finance]

Eight points.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Is Ian pitching the perfect game so far?

[Big J Okerson]

Well, that's the kind of confidence you have when you have girls lining up to kiss you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No.

[Felipe Esparza]

Right?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm sorry. I thought you were so beautiful. The girls couldn't wait to kiss you.

[Ian Finance]

Never. It's a. I mean, it is a pretty big compliment. We couldn't imagine anybody else on the panel.

[Louis J. Gomez]

There's no one on this panel who I thought that possibly could have happened.

[Ryan Long]

Very insulting to me.

[Big J Okerson]

Next kiss, please.

[Ryan Long]

I was in a popular ska band, so, you know.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, Alex, Story number four.

[Alex]

Story number four. To get out of going to school one day, I purposely slipped on ice to fake an injury, but actually ended up getting pretty badly hurt.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's written like me. Mmm. I'm not really one for fucking taking pratfalls.

[Big J Okerson]

How cold's Philly in the winter? You guys have ice like that everywhere.

[Ryan Long]

Yeah, the Blizzard of 96. Are you kidding me?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Freeze.

[Big J Okerson]

I thought it was always sunny.

[Louis J. Gomez]

In fact, I'm almost annoyed when they.

[Ryan Long]

Say, did you hear that?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I did. It was good.

[Ian Finance]

These are good jokes.

[Ryan Long]

That was Chaz.

[Louis J. Gomez]

In fact, I'm annoyed that what they call, like, shut down snow now, because I remember walking to school at times with snow piled up to, like, my middle, my arm, and you just walk through the tunnel, like the little holes they dig.

[Ian Finance]

I used to walk on his hands, though.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I also walked on my hands.

[Ian Finance]

The thing that he did, he was trying to be an acrobat.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I come from a circus family.

[Ryan Long]

I don't know. I, I think this is a Lewis story. I, I, I think that, yeah, Lewis was trying to get out of school in Rockland county. And he. He had a little Jimmy slip and fall and it bit him in the ass. Yes. I think it was Lewis.

[Ian Finance]

Yep. Maybe. Yeah, maybe it was. Maybe it wasn't.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This also is just seems like a very Canadian problem.

[Big J Okerson]

That's why I told you everyone seems like that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Winter. Winter's always going to have a little feel of Ryan Long to it. Oh, Mom.

[Ian Finance]

Mom, I have snow poisoning.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I got snow poisoning again. I have hockey elbows.

[Ryan Long]

Oh, I overdosed on snow.

[Ian Finance]

Oh, no.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, mom, no. I got curling tummy.

[Felipe Esparza]

My foot is stuck on maple syrup.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I got cheese and gravy fries, guts.

[Ryan Long]

Oh, I. I overdosed.

[Ian Finance]

My. My luge is broken. I can't get to school.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, Mom. Like Rick Moranis marathon on. On the action network. Whatever the. They're stupid. Their channels suck.

[Ryan Long]

Oh, Mom, I put on too many jeans and I can't get them off.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Saying, this is making me feel like Ryan again. But it can't be.

[Ryan Long]

It can't be Felipe.

[Felipe Esparza]

If I slipped in a garage, it can't be.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, yeah, it can't be Felipe.

[Ryan Long]

You grew up in la.

[Felipe Esparza]

I could slip on a raspa.

[Big J Okerson]

That could have been someone's necklaces.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, it's true. It could have been diamonds.

[Felipe Esparza]

I could have slipped at the LA Kings game.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's true.

[Felipe Esparza]

Chasing a lobster in there. A squid. No. Or octopus.

[Ian Finance]

What are we thinking here, boys? In fact, by the way, I think. Can I make a rule change real quick? Jay?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Ian Finance]

I think we should always have to start the voting, me and you, since we. The story warriors.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Fair.

[Ian Finance]

I think that's very new.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Rule change immediately. Right now. This is the beginning of the rest of your lives story wars. Me and Lewis always went first.

[Ian Finance]

Goddamn right. So I'm going to start the voting right now. That's a great. We should do a promo for the show with that. Yeah. I'm gonna start the voting. I'm gonna say Ryan Long. This sounds like a very Canadian problem.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And I feel like this does sound Canadian.

[Ian Finance]

It's Ryan.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It can't be. I feel like this isn't the biggest story that I may have heard from Lewis.

[Ian Finance]

Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He went big. Wow.

[Big J Okerson]

You picked a crappy reason to pick me. That's why.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, you know what?

[Big J Okerson]

You're phoning in your bed now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm saying Ryan because he's selling it too hard.

[Felipe Esparza]

Hard saying Jay because he's.

[Ian Finance]

Yep.

[Felipe Esparza]

He's good at faking some stuff.

[Big J Okerson]

You're a phony, Jay.

[Ian Finance]

Felipe thinks Jay's a LA phony.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We did. We were at sea together. So he has seen another side of me. Alex. Break everyone's hearts.

[Alex]

That was Big J Okerson.

[Ian Finance]

Yes. God damn it, Felipe. You knew it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Felipe on the board.

[Ryan Long]

You guys.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You get.

[Ryan Long]

You guys calling the perfect game. Jinx me.

[Big J Okerson]

Alex. Remind me of how many points I have.

[Ian Finance]

Jay, what happened? What happened here? I mean, it's self explanatory.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So I let. We lived in a duplex, top second floor of a duplex apartment building. And my mom, I was just. Didn't want to go to school one day. I cut school a lot when I was younger. I hated it, but pretty young. I remember walking down the stairs and I was like, my mom, I wanted to stay home. I used to be very afraid of weather, which is a weird thing.

[Ryan Long]

What?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't know. I was. The world was ending if it was bad weather. My dad left young and then. And then. So yeah. So I remember as we're walking down these 8,000 steps to go to our front door, I go, when we go outside, if it's like icy out front, I'm gonna fucking slip and fall and tell her I'm hurt and I can't go to school. So when I went out, I stepped down, actually slipped because it was complete ice out the front door. So it's a. In Philadelphia, they have a storm door in front of your regular door. So it's like almost like this like fucking like the same metal. They make like wrestling stairs out of like it's like that's the door is. And I came out, I stepped off the step of our front door, both feet up in the air, head smashed the concrete step behind me and stormed that right in the face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I stayed home. My mom let me watch Scooby Doo that day. The Price is Right. That was the night I realized the Price is Right. You know, when you. When they give you the car, you still gotta pay the taxes.

[Ian Finance]

That's the thing that all poor people say. It's like, dude, come on, you gotta.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Pay the taxes, buddy. It's the absolute thing. My family, that's the thing about kind of broke. We were the only things I remember from Oprah, giving everybody a car. And anytime the Price is Right gave you a new car was. They go, it's fucked. You still got to pay the taxes on it. They're like, oh, you got to pay 700 for a brand new fucking thing. They're like, doesn't matter. You still got to pay the fuck. You gotta get the tags, the registration.

[Ryan Long]

Porridge is Judaism.

[Ian Finance]

That's a great Point.

[Louis J. Gomez]

These were not the Jews.

[Felipe Esparza]

How about when you got it, a gift certificate on the. On the Wheel of Fortune? You still have to pay taxes on that, too?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, not gift certificate, but I also wonder.

[Ian Finance]

Taxes on the money that anything you. Any prize you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You have to pay taxes on the. The money you have to pay taxes on, I believe the trips. When they send you on the trips.

[Ryan Long]

Really?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. You were sort of on the hook for some shit when they put you on those shows.

[Ian Finance]

I think you have to pay taxes literally on anything you win.

[Ryan Long]

Yeah, but doesn't the free thing outweigh the taxes?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, no. Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

I went on some game show once, and we won, like, a $3,000 trip.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Trip.

[Big J Okerson]

No, pay that. We didn't pay taxes on that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Whoa. But did you have to pay for anything on that trip?

[Big J Okerson]

No, it was just like, all inclusive trip, but we didn't pay tax. I bet you it's up. I bet you it starts at like 10. Like, there's a number that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But some. But there's something. You took a cab to the airport on you. Yeah, that's what my family would bring up. He'd be like, still got to get yourself to the airport.

[Ian Finance]

Alex, where are our points at?

[Alex]

On the scoreboard? With zero points, I have Ryan Long.

[Big J Okerson]

I give people the benefit of the doubt. That's what you're learning.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Let me ask you, Alex, what is that in kilometers?

[Alex]

I have Luis J. Gomez with two points.

[Ian Finance]

Hold on. How many points?

[Alex]

Two.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Okay.

[Alex]

Felipe with four points, Big J with seven points, and Ian still in the lead with eight points.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Damn.

[Ryan Long]

Getting that book.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That was story number three, right? Was that story number four?

[Ian Finance]

Yeah. We're at halftime, folks. Let's do some plugs, my friend.

[Felipe Esparza]

My Netflix Special comes out February 11th on Netflix.

[Ian Finance]

Oh, yeah. That's amazing.

[Felipe Esparza]

Raging Fool. It's called Raging Fool.

[Ian Finance]

Raging Fool.

[Felipe Esparza]

And I have a podcast called History for Fools, if you want to check it out.

[Ian Finance]

Oh, yeah. Hell yeah. Ryan Long.

[Big J Okerson]

Check out my special just came out. YouTube.com Ryan Long just got to 700k, so we're killing it.

[Felipe Esparza]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Let's get this puppy to a million, fellas. All right, YouTube problem. Solve this call. Then I'm gonna be Mina. Minneapolis, Edmonton, Phoenix, Vancouver, Portland, Tacoma, Los Angeles, Irvine, San Jose, Tampa bay. Ryan Long, comedy.com and the boys cast is my podcast.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Ryan Long]

Yes. Hey, everybody. You can check out my special on YouTube. Wild, happy, and free. My Instagram is ianimal69 and I'm going all over in 2025. Hey, thanks. I'm on the Road till the end of May. Ianfinance.com for all my dates. Punchup Live ianfinance to join my mailing list. And the podcast is being Ian with Jordan that comes out every Wednesday on YouTube.

[Big J Okerson]

After every show there is a kissing line.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And yeah, everybody wants to kiss now. I want to kiss Ian. I want to see what you learned.

[Ryan Long]

I'm a good kisser now. If you want to come see me in Syracuse West Nyak we do a.

[Big J Okerson]

Bit of a meet and smooch after the show.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That'd be great. The after show kissing booth. Jcomedy.com for all my dates, everybody. If you're listening to this New Year's, New Year's or actually the first weekend of the new year, I'm gonna be in Cleveland, Ohio, everybody at Hilarities Comedy club. Come check me out there. Very fun fucking club. And then I'm all over the place. Everybody in Big J okerson's Peter North American tour coming to a city near you.

[Felipe Esparza]

Hell yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Spelled the way you hope so look for city. I'm all over the place. Going straight through till summertime at very least. Also picked up. I'm gonna be doing about 10 to 12 at least, I believe arena shows with Shane Gillis. Our very own friend Shane Gillis. Everybod. That's gonna be very fun. Yeah, for sure. I my also double crowd work special Big J Okerson. They them gonna be coming out on YouTube. I believe February is gonna be the date the Valentine's day for the first episode. It's taking blowjob day for episode two. It's two parts. I'm so proud of it, man. So I can't wait for you guys to see it. Of course. Listen to the bonfire five days a week. Faction talk, SiriusXM with me and the great Robert Kelly and of course legion of skanks right here on the gas Digital Network.

[Ian Finance]

Come see me live on the road. The website LewisOfSkangs.com, brand new tour starting in January, the Bring 5 Friends tour coming to a city near you. That's right, folks. Stop coming to my shows alone. Bring five friends. And in January, I'm gonna be in Columbus, Ohio. Rosemont, Illinois. Gananoqua, Ontario.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Just call Rosemont. Chicago gets me more excited.

[Ian Finance]

Okay, Chicago. Montreal, Quebec, Canada. Ottawa, North Charleston, S.C. naples, Florida. That's just January. Also, if you go to my website, you should know I do a bonus podcast you can get by subscribing to my mailing list. I I do a like a newsletter that comes out every Friday and there's a bonus podcast episode just May. And I do three other podcasts to do the regs story, I'm sorry, Legion of Skanks and obviously the great Lewis and Zach show, available here on the Gas Digital network. And if you love this show and all the other Gas Digital shows, you should know that all the shows are uncensored and ad free. If you go to gas digital.com you get pre release and all the episodes. And now I think there's a few episodes of Story wars that are just in the on demand library that you can't get anywhere else. Go to gas digital.com use the promo code war and you save a couple bucks a month and you support us by subscribing to our premium content.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hell yeah. Everybody, we have four more stories to go to end this game. And we always figure it's fun at this point of the game to mix things up, maybe get it a little more exciting. How do we do that? I'll tell you exactly how. Double points.

[Ian Finance]

Holy.

[Felipe Esparza]

Double points.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So it's anybody's game to avoid any confusion here before, if you every person you fooled, if it's your story was one point and if you guessed the correct person, it was two points. Now double points. I just made winky eyes with this chick.

[Ian Finance]

Well, you know what I do? I go extra hard at the people that aren't clapping or smiling.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm like, I think I just went to some guy's girlfriend right in front of his face. It was awkward.

[Ian Finance]

That's right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We soul bonded. What am I thinking of? What am I thinking of right now?

[Ryan Long]

Collective soul.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Come. You're right.

[Ian Finance]

I know, dude. We have.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Sorry. I still bonded with Lewis.

[Ian Finance]

Alex. Story number five.

[Alex]

Story number five. One year instead of having a holiday get together, my family just met in a parking lot and moved presents from one trunk to another without opening them.

[Felipe Esparza]

Ryan.

[Big J Okerson]

That could be Philly trash.

[Ryan Long]

That could be any of us.

[Big J Okerson]

My family would just be hockey sticks. They're all just trash.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This could be me. It should be me. It should be Lewis. It should be Felipe. It probably should be Ian. I don't know.

[Ryan Long]

We had family dinners at rest stops.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. I think Christmas is much more important in Canada because you're from a place of Christmas.

[Big J Okerson]

Big deal, man.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Santa Claus pray on Walter Gretzky's grave.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes. Also, yeah. You're king Santa Claus.

[Big J Okerson]

Walter Gretzky, his dad. You guys would know that if you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Ian Finance]

I literally. I was going to try. I was like, you idiot.

[Big J Okerson]

Pretty big franchise restaurant.

[Ian Finance]

Oh, his name's Wayne. I'm going to lose my mind. How dumb you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

How about this fun fact. Tim Horton. Tim Horton died, but is also now after he's died, it's come out that he was a vicious woman beater, right? He's like a vicious fucking abuser.

[Big J Okerson]

That's Indian propaganda because the Indians took over Tim Hortons.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, we happen to have a shaman here tonight, sir. What does Jim Morrison think about this in the afterlife?

[Big J Okerson]

Wrong type of Indian.

[Ian Finance]

I bet you didn't know this. Guess Dunkin Donut was a real racist.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, I did know that.

[Ian Finance]

Duncan.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, It's a dude named Duncan Dunkin Donut.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah. That's a real guy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ironically, my favorite donut there, chocolate glaze.

[Big J Okerson]

Tell you one fact. You know Wetzel's Pretzels? The guy's last name was Wetzel.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Of course it was.

[Big J Okerson]

I didn't know that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He got made fun of in school enough till he was like, how about I just start a company?

[Big J Okerson]

I'll show him.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'll show these.

[Big J Okerson]

This is Philly story.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow. We got way away from this. You think Philly story, huh?

[Ian Finance]

I'm thinking this is a Felipe story. I feel like.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Me too.

[Ian Finance]

There's no cold weather. There's nothing. This seems like what a Mexican family would do. Yeah, the family was mad at each other. His brother's nose is still bleeding. His fucking girlfriend's eating.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You guys all have to get to work. You all have to get to work.

[Felipe Esparza]

We would have made it the border. Through the presidents, over the fence.

[Louis J. Gomez]

In the interest of me and Lewis voting first with Felipe, the cars are.

[Big J Okerson]

Already lowered, so it's easy to get the cars out.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Felipe and I bet those trunks were airbrushed.

[Big J Okerson]

I still think it was a Ian story.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, it was really hard to get them in the trunks when the cars were going.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, there's almost no room for presents with the bass tubes.

[Ian Finance]

Ryan Long 3. Felipe's an Ian and Orion Philly story.

[Big J Okerson]

I know it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And Ian. And Ian you went with, huh? You thought it was a Philly story. All right, listen, maybe Alex, everyone's answers are in.

[Ian Finance]

Big J's excited. God damn it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Nope.

[Ian Finance]

Oh, I thought you were so excited to get the answer out.

[Alex]

No, Alex, that was Ryan Long.

[Big J Okerson]

Double points, ladies and gentlemen.

[Ian Finance]

No way. Double points. He's hiling Hitler.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Felipe saw it. Yeah, Felipe.

[Felipe Esparza]

I got it, man.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Felipe Esparza]

You know, he was left.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hail Hitler. You're so happy.

[Felipe Esparza]

You were the only one left.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I thought I had him. Felipe hailed Hitler. That buys us a year. That buys us one year. Of no articles that were Nazis.

[Big J Okerson]

Who's hailing Hitler? This is what you do when you're the queen.

[Felipe Esparza]

They made it a Tim Horton party.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Damn.

[Felipe Esparza]

And traded trailer park DVDs.

[Ian Finance]

Ryan, what happen?

[Big J Okerson]

My parents are divorced. And then they. All my parents go to their, like. Like, spouses family thing. So on Christmas, we sort of met up and then it was like, all right, we don't really have anywhere to do this, like, okay, why don't we just open the trunks and we just, like, switch them. We've done this, like, three years in a row, by the way. It was basically a tradition at that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Point in a neutral place.

[Felipe Esparza]

It's like a drug deal. Eh, Leg.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So then you go to your stepfather's family.

[Big J Okerson]

No, they would go there. I didn't really have.

[Ian Finance]

Like, you were selling drugs in a transaction on the docks.

[Big J Okerson]

1,000%. Yeah.

[Felipe Esparza]

Don't take this cheese to America.

[Ian Finance]

Go.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, would you be like, when they saw the box movie, you were like, that's a Nintendo.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

No, it's just all skates. Like, it's so obvious that they're Hoggy gates.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

No, but I probably do it this year. It's like a. Basically a tradition.

[Ian Finance]

I'm pissed. I'm getting my dick kicked in on today's story wars.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, I don't know. What's the scores?

[Alex]

In last place, I have Louis J. Gomez with two points.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I guess I got a point together.

[Alex]

For our crew, I have Ryan Long on the board with six points.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Ian Finance]

Anybody's game.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Guys, we do not want this book out of the library. I don't know if you're aware of this, but the book intertwines scientific observation with philosophy, Philosophical musings on the human relationship to nature, offering a rich contemplative look at one of the most remote and fragile places on Earth.

[Ryan Long]

God, I need it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ian, you want to fuck this book so bad. I'm here. I'm here for the story.

[Ian Finance]

Warrior, Continue with the points.

[Felipe Esparza]

Alex, I wanted an audible with Louis Vuitton reading.

[Ian Finance]

Oh, it's gonna be a long fucking day trying to get that done.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Lewis can't read.

[Alex]

I have Lewis with two points, Ryan with six points.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Points.

[Alex]

Big J with seven points. And tied in first place with eight points each, Ian and Felipe.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, no.

[Ian Finance]

Which if we. By the way, if we have a tie, I'm pretty sure we've come up with a pretty good.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The two people in the tie have to kiss.

[Ryan Long]

Oh, you're lucky. I'm good.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Now, whoever kisses the best.

[Big J Okerson]

Get the second Shot.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. And it's complete honor. So system you have to be honest. You go. He did kiss good. Oh, Alex.

[Ian Finance]

Story number six.

[Alex]

Story number six. I once had sex with a near stranger in a park in sub zero temperatures.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This I want to write Lewis so bad stranger man, I'm gonna think it out before I just answer Louis. Louis would have fucked anywhere, anytime, at any place, in any temperature at one point.

[Ian Finance]

Can I say that is also true for you? That's also true for Ian and likely true for Ryan.

[Ryan Long]

Sub zero temperatures is Ryan.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, Ryan is from Canada.

[Big J Okerson]

I told you man, I was onto this business. If you guys are going to know winter shit was me.

[Ryan Long]

But what is a near stranger?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, here's what I'm going to say.

[Big J Okerson]

It's like you've been dating her for like. Let me tell you, she's wondering what we are.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Can I make an argument? Can I make an argument?

[Big J Okerson]

She wants to put a label on it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But can I make an argument for my friend Felipe over here? Because sub zero temperatures it can only be Ryan or Philippe because Felipe is not going to handle the cold well because we're east coast guys. The rest of us, we've dealt with it. Sub zero is to even point that out.

[Big J Okerson]

I agree though. This is like half the panel for sure.

[Ryan Long]

Yeah, but sub zero temperatures of Felipe is like 65 degrees.

[Ian Finance]

Yes.

[Felipe Esparza]

Also somebody here must have taken a weight waitress at a comedy club instead of freezer. So.

[Ian Finance]

Oh, that's also true. Great point.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Let me tell you the two things I know the two people who I would think this for the pure a near stranger is Lewis. Lewis has the rap that can complete stranger sup girls? I don't even want to know when I gotta be honest with my friend. I gotta be honest. This guy can pull a. He can meet a chick and her quick, especially if she's unconscious.

[Big J Okerson]

He's banned from the parks though.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And Felipe. Felipe. The sub zeros is hitting me that you would think the freezing is such the story there because also you have network television celebrity to a point where it's like someone might people I know from the minimal amount of any of this I have. Sometimes people just want to fuck somebody who's been on tv.

[Ian Finance]

Jay is talking so much right now, I don't even want to tip everyone off because it's a bad, bad way to play the game. But Jay is pittering and pattering through.

[Louis J. Gomez]

His reasoning lead them all towards me. If it's Ian, we're.

[Ian Finance]

Oh, it might be. Look at Ian.

[Ryan Long]

You know, rest stops.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It could just be Ian. Because Ian.

[Ian Finance]

Ian. Ian would. And by the way, it says stranger. Doesn't say a woman.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Right.

[Ryan Long]

And Ian gender neutral.

[Ian Finance]

Does weird with trans.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And guys. And guys will on a dime if they want to dumb. Go on a dime.

[Big J Okerson]

If it was Ian, it would say multiple.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Lewis, you may have just taken me completely to Ian Finance.

[Ian Finance]

Ian. Ian, was this you?

[Ryan Long]

No. No.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You.

[Ryan Long]

I can't. I can't get hard in public. I. I've tried.

[Big J Okerson]

It's a Philly story for sure.

[Ian Finance]

Oh, it's definitely. Look, it's Ian or Big J. Unquestionably.

[Ryan Long]

No, I know.

[Ian Finance]

Good action right now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I've had several with the new stranger in my life.

[Ryan Long]

I'll tell you, I felt like when. When this story is being read, I looked at Lewis and they looked away from me, which I think makes me think of Lewis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Man, this was so obviously.

[Ryan Long]

Are we sharing thoughts?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Did you mind meld?

[Ryan Long]

Did you mind me say the park on 3? 1, 2, 3. Washington Square Bar, Oakland.

[Ian Finance]

I know what you said. I don't know what you said. I don't know why I'm leaning. Felipe. I don't know why I'm thinking. This could be Felipe.

[Big J Okerson]

He's good at the game.

[Ian Finance]

No, he goes on the road, though. But here's the. You go on the road. It could be. He could have been on a show in Canada and you chicks after shows. It's a real thing.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Felipe's quiet, handsome. He's got perfect teeth.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah.

[Ryan Long]

Wow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

His eyes are beautiful.

[Ryan Long]

You just want to cuddle them.

[Louis J. Gomez]

His hair is long and very nice. It makes me miss my long hair.

[Big J Okerson]

We know the girl was pregnant, so he's had sex.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Sex. He's had sex with people. I'm telling you, chicks wing. Chicks wing hard at Felipe. Esp J's doing.

[Ian Finance]

All right, look, I'm gonna go with my original Big J oaker. He's doing so much explaining. I gotta go. I don't think we've had a Big J story. Oh, we did. Yeah, we did. But whatever.

[Felipe Esparza]

Near stranger.

[Ryan Long]

I feel like Big J would want to so bad. He'd be like, I don't care. I'll meet you in a park.

[Louis J. Gomez]

There was a time. Where was the time Jay would fall.

[Ian Finance]

A girl in subdued temperatures in a park? If it's a cute chick, unquestionably, yeah, I.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The chick in my house who had hair on her back that went to her. I stopped. But I did start.

[Ian Finance]

I'm going, Big J.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You dumbasses. Go on.

[Ian Finance]

Hold on, Ian.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Play your game. It's you.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm gone.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ian, keep playing your. I'm a racing. I'm gonna pick somebody else.

[Ryan Long]

Look, they weren't a near stranger. They were a total stranger.

[Ian Finance]

Ian, you are a fool. I'm letting you know you're a fool.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, no, no, no, no. You're locked in.

[Big J Okerson]

Can we make a rule change possibly?

[Louis J. Gomez]

What do you suggest? You're a fool. All right, everyone is locked in this story.

[Ryan Long]

Alex, I need the book.

[Alex]

That was Louis J. Gomez.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Y. I said it immediately. I said it immediately. Dude, Lewis is stairwells. And he's a piece of.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's a trash. Garbage. The only reason we're friends.

[Ian Finance]

This was the back. This was back in my coach.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Of course.

[Ian Finance]

I met this girl. This. But it's funny, I. All right, I met this girl's daughter. She was a weird. Just a weird chick, kind of like punk rock. She had armpit hair, had arms.

[Ryan Long]

You don't say.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, yeah. We went we in Central Park. It was like. I mean, maybe negative 8. It was so cold. But I was such a. I was like, I got a random chick. Let's go. I just met her that day, maybe an hour before we start in Central Park. It was too cold. We ended up going back to her hostel. She was staying at a hostel.

[Ryan Long]

Of course.

[Ian Finance]

Allowed to bring people.

[Ryan Long]

Of course.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So I, a Dutch guy watched.

[Ian Finance]

No, she brought me. We went into the rec room of the hostel. We ended up banging on top of the pool table in the rec room in the hostel. Then we went, me and you went years later and did a show in Key West, Florida. Guess who was in the audience of that show?

[Louis J. Gomez]

That pig.

[Ian Finance]

That pig?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, that pig.

[Ian Finance]

She's probably watching right now. You know, you're a pig, man.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This girl keeps trying to fuck me with her eyes right in front of her boyfriend. It's crazy.

[Ian Finance]

Alex, points.

[Alex]

All right, on the scoreboard, I have Ryan Long with six points, Big J Okerson with seven.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Damn it. Ahead of me.

[Alex]

Luis J. Gomez and Felipe tied with eight points each. And in the lead with 12 points.

[Ian Finance]

Damn it. He's pulling ahead.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I can't have this book go home with that mustache.

[Ryan Long]

Need it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hey, guys, real quick, let's talk about one of our awesome sponsors over here at Story wars, everyone, and that is yo kratom, home of the $60 kilo. That sounds like we're just on a loop because we've been saying it for years and years. Because no matter what changes in the world, that price does not. $60 kilos of lab tested high quality Kratom delivered right to your door. Now, this is for people over the age of 21 who are already in the market for Kratom. We're not suggesting you start doing Kratom, but if you're already in the market for Kratom, why not get it from Yo Kratom? It is the highest quality and it is coming right to your door. And they are the marquee sponsors for Skank Fest every year and just kind of support everything, every kind of comedy that you love out there. So support the people that support us. Go to yocratum.com Home of the 60 kilo.

[Big J Okerson]

All right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Right, let's get back into it.

[Alex]

Story number seven. I spent an entire night with a friend in the hospital because he got badly injured from us late night sledding. We were adults.

[Big J Okerson]

Every person's trying to frame me on these stories.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ooh, ooh.

[Ryan Long]

That makes I feel like we were adults. Is a funny add on. Lewis would. Would do.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, I do hear his voice saying, louis, we were adults.

[Ian Finance]

We were adults.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I do hear you there.

[Ian Finance]

I was adult again.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This takes Felipe out.

[Ryan Long]

And also, Lewis is a good friend. Lewis would stay the night with someone in a hospital.

[Felipe Esparza]

Sometimes people mean.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's not true. No, I think it's Ian.

[Ian Finance]

Oh, yeah. Spent an entire night with the front of the hospital. I would not.

[Louis J. Gomez]

If they were.

[Ryan Long]

You're right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

If they were stable. Lewis is out.

[Ian Finance]

If. Yeah, unless they're going to die and I have to, like, be there, see them off to God or whatever, I'm not staying in the hospital. That's insane. Minor inconvenience. I'm out. I remember my son's mother, she had to have back surgery. And I remember being like, would you stop fucking bitching about your back?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, my God, the baby's out. The baby's already out. Why do I have to be here? I would do this.

[Big J Okerson]

Two bros sledding. Yeah, Jay would definitely do this. But.

[Ryan Long]

But when was. Oh, I don't know.

[Ian Finance]

He'd brag about Ian's a good friend. Ian would stay with somebody in the hospital at home night especially.

[Ryan Long]

Yeah, I don't even have to know him. I just don't want to be alone.

[Felipe Esparza]

Maybe they were doing. They were doing a lot of lines of coke and they call it sledding.

[Ryan Long]

Oh.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, that's possible, too. Are you trying to lure us to you, Felipe?

[Big J Okerson]

You also, late night sledding is, you know, you go to the football field and just get a couple rounds in.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's a very late night Sledding. Sounds Canadian again. Goddamn it. But it's all winter stories and fair. Fairness.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah. Late night.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Late night sledding.

[Ian Finance]

I've never gone late night sledding.

[Big J Okerson]

You know, you guys don't call the football thing a sled.

[Ryan Long]

It's Ryan.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, God damn it. That's Ryan. No doubt. You see that fall apart.

[Ryan Long]

It's Ryan. Long dong.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm telling.

[Louis J. Gomez]

See that fall apart. God damn it.

[Ian Finance]

Could be Ian, too. It could be Ian.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. No, Ian is trying to rush us now. You know what?

[Ryan Long]

I have to pee.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm telling you. Remember what happened last time? You guys all were in unison against me.

[Ryan Long]

It's Ryan. He's projecting.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's projecting hard.

[Big J Okerson]

Spend entire night with a friend.

[Ian Finance]

Now he's reading it.

[Big J Okerson]

I would never let a friend of mine get injured.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Bing, bang, boom, someone got hurt. Bing, bang.

[Ryan Long]

I don't know. We were adults. Is such a funny button to add on to it.

[Big J Okerson]

I wouldn't throw that in.

[Ryan Long]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, you already put it in. You locked it.

[Ryan Long]

You're right.

[Ian Finance]

Locked and loaded.

[Big J Okerson]

Now I have to guess by myself.

[Ryan Long]

Dude, I'll get.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, all right.

[Big J Okerson]

You tell me who you think it is, since it is.

[Ryan Long]

I think it's Lewis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Dude, Louis, you guess the same thing as me. I'm gonna get. You said Ryan also.

[Big J Okerson]

Okay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Damn it.

[Ian Finance]

Everyone said Ryan. Put your vote in. It's you. You.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm telling you, when you guys gang up on me like this, it doesn't end well for you.

[Ian Finance]

I think it might not be Ryan now.

[Big J Okerson]

It's probably Ian.

[Alex]

What?

[Big J Okerson]

It's ridiculous. I told you I wouldn't do winter themes.

[Ryan Long]

Do we get points if we trick people?

[Louis J. Gomez]

If it's your story.

[Ryan Long]

Oh.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, well, everyone's answers are in. Alex, would you please.

[Alex]

That was Big J okerson.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No way.

[Ian Finance]

Late night sledding.

[Ryan Long]

Damn. Who was a friend.

[Felipe Esparza]

I didn't know they had sleds in Philly.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So my friend Ed Gentile is Bob Sacamana. He was one of our few friends that had money growing up. His parents owned a convenience store chain and he was Italian for sure. But he overdid it. Like, he really wanted to be overly Italian and overly. He had a tattoo of Italy on his chest and it said Paisan underneath. He wore a three quarter length leather jacket. He drove a Pontiac Grand Am. He was so. He was so Italian, he would fake his voice. So Italian that it would lean into Boston. You'd be like, yo, I gotta get my car. That's Boston. You're doing it wrong. And so he was a shithead. And one night we got out, we wanted to go sledding. My mom still lives on, like, a golf course. It's like an apartment or.

[Ian Finance]

His mom's a gopher.

[Louis J. Gomez]

My mom's a gopher. She drives the car that picks up all the golf balls.

[Ian Finance]

A funny gopher does a dance.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's townhouses, and they're on a golf course. And so there's these big, huge hills. So one night, me and my friends were hanging out. We're like, yo, we should go sledding now. We didn't have a sled, so we asked the neighbor kid if he had one, and he goes, no, I have a boogie board. Which we were like, yeah, give it to us. So. And we get to the hill and realize the hill is pure ice. Pure ice. And so we go, okay, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna go halfway up, and then when we're getting towards the bottom of it, start banging your hands on the ground. And the other four of us or whatever will grab you, so you stop. We all did it. It worked fine. We were having fun. Dumb Ed goes to the tippy top of this hill and then starts coming down. He's gunning it. Then halfway down the hill, we go, oh, he's starting to hit his hands now. So we'll slow down a little bit. Then as he gets closer, we realize this dumb shit is pumping his hands to go faster. So when he came, was coming down, where we get to the point we're supposed to scrap him and stop him. We just all got out of the way, and he smashed into a creek bridge and into a frozen creek.

[Ryan Long]

Oh, fuck.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Unconscious for three minutes. Popped up. This dummy was so into this character that we went, yo, man, we gotta get you to hospital. He goes, let's do it again. And we go, no, shithead, we're gonna fucking take you to the hospital. And we sat there with him all night with his big, dumb, fat, fucking Italian face.

[Ryan Long]

What. What was wrong with him? Did he just have a concussion or.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Concussion, for sure. His fucking. Like, he had. His. His face was swollen out to here. Oh. And then.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, his face looked like lasagna, dude.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He was such a fake.

[Ryan Long]

He had a big old me the ball.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He was such a fake. He was such a hilarious fake Italian that he was at my house a night or two after that happened. And we went to a Sixers game days before, and they gave out as, like, to all the fans. Got a Jerry Stackhouse face mask. It was just like a. You know, you could put a rubber band on the back of it in your Jerry Stackhouse, I guess. And so he came over my house, and we were laughing so much at his face. And my friend Little J goes, hey, man, put this Jerry Stackhouse thing. I can't look at your face anymore. And he left. And he goes, joey Merlino's here to pick me up. I'm leaving. Joey Merlino was the mob boss in Philadelphia for the longest time that he told us he had real affiliations with. The next day I was talking to Ed's brother Bob, who goes, yeah, Ed seemed pretty pissed when I picked him up from your house. There was no Joey Merlino. Lunatic. That guy to this day wants to be so Italian that he travels to Italy three times a year to watch Italian soccer and wear tiny swimsuits and fucking cheer for Italian soccer.

[Ryan Long]

At what point is he trying. Or he just is.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, Jay, you see, he sounds like a pretty Italian guy to me.

[Ryan Long]

He's teenager.

[Ian Finance]

He goes to the home country.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's from Ado, New Jersey. His parents own. Butson bets he's not some dago.

[Ian Finance]

Alex, where are our points at on the scoreboard?

[Alex]

I have Ryan with six points, Lewis and Felipe tied with eight points each. Ian with 12 points and. And in the lead with 15 points, Big J Okerson up.

[Ryan Long]

No.

[Louis J. Gomez]

By the way.

[Ian Finance]

Bringing it home for the story Warriors.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That extreme points jump brought to you solely by double points. The people have spoken. They love double points. Points.

[Ian Finance]

Final story of the night, Alex. Still anybody's game.

[Alex]

Story number eight. I went on a ski weekend with my junior high class. I ended up making out with a girl and was so happy afterward that I told my friend who told me that he had also made out with her.

[Felipe Esparza]

That's Louis.

[Ryan Long]

Louis.

[Felipe Esparza]

Louis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This could be Lois.

[Ian Finance]

This is. This could. Could be me and Big J.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This could be me. By the way, this is the last story I'm going tell you. I submitted a school trip ski weekend story. Maybe this is it.

[Ian Finance]

I. By the way, as soon as you. As soon as this said school trip ski weekend, I was like, it's Jay. Two in a row at the end. I know of a school make out with girls on that.

[Ryan Long]

Making out.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, let me tell you something, buddy. Maybe that's not true. There was some romance on that trip.

[Ryan Long]

Making out with girls is my thing in high school.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That is true. You are a fucking slut, dude. You're a fucking. You're a tongue slut now also.

[Ian Finance]

What do they call junior high in Canada.

[Ryan Long]

Primary school.

[Big J Okerson]

Junior high.

[Ryan Long]

It's called junior high grade seven.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Now, I don't know why. Here's the thing. Ski weekend could be a fun thing that they do in California high schools. But I will say this, I don't know why. And call us racist. We're all picturing that. Felipe's school was more like the beginning of Lean on Me. When everyone's beating a teacher to death in a fucking bathroom. Welcome to the jungle. And then eventually Sam Jackson has to come to the school and start murdering students.

[Ryan Long]

It was Morgan Freeman.

[Ian Finance]

True story. My mother actually went to Eastside High in Patterson, New Jersey.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Shut the no shit, dude. Was she in the black choir?

[Felipe Esparza]

Play the school song.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You like smoking crack crack, don't you? You. Why don't you jump, Mrs. Gomez?

[Ian Finance]

Wait, no, no, I'm sorry. This is.

[Felipe Esparza]

My high school had a auto shop.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She didn't go to east side.

[Ian Finance]

No, she went to east side High. But that wasn't the scene. Sims jump off the. It was.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's telling Sam to jump off the roof.

[Ian Finance]

That is. You're right, it is.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They found out he was one with.

[Ian Finance]

Jim Belushi, School of Rock principal. I'm getting them confused. Just the scenes. I thought that was in the principal, but no, my mom.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No.

[Ian Finance]

Dude.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Dude. Eastside High is a true story about one guy coming.

[Ryan Long]

And Joe Clark played by Morgan Freeman.

[Louis J. Gomez]

God damn right he was.

[Felipe Esparza]

Stan deliver.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What are you pregnant? Take care of this baby. Stan deliver was pretty great.

[Ian Finance]

What about the other one with Banana way? He taught him the power of one dude.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Mark Dacosta. Dude.

[Ian Finance]

He brought him. He fought. He taught them Brazilian dance.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Fighting dangerous minds start doing dance.

[Ian Finance]

Only the strong. Is that what it's called? Yeah. He's right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, you're right. Right. Power one. Thank you.

[Ian Finance]

Thank you, Big J from the past for correcting Big J from the future.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh my God. That's before I what's when I had long hair and before I smoked all that pot.

[Ryan Long]

It looks like Jason Momoa.

[Felipe Esparza]

Mexican Thor Tortilla.

[Ryan Long]

Big Jose.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, this does again feel like Ian telling us that.

[Felipe Esparza]

I think Ian, man.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's non stop just getting ass. Dude. This guy's a creepy creep.

[Ian Finance]

Yeah, Ian's Ian stories are always. I was kissing girl.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He is everything. You think as much.

[Ryan Long]

I live in a hot girl one store. I was but one story.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Delaware. I'm getting kissed at parties.

[Ian Finance]

Were they going on ski trips in Vermont?

[Felipe Esparza]

Too much. Too young.

[Ian Finance]

A ski trip in middle school is a pretty high end thing to do any?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No. In Philly, you're close to ski places.

[Ian Finance]

Oh, that's an expensive thing to do with kids.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I locked in early and dangerous. I'm locked in early. Philadelphia sends you on ski trips? This is not my story. I know that you guys still might think it is. And maybe it is.

[Big J Okerson]

If he even goes back to back on smooching stories on my high school teacher.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I started dating my friend Jamie.

[Ian Finance]

I could see this being all along he skiing the way he rolled his eyes. I believe him. God damn it.

[Felipe Esparza]

I think that's who is.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're not wrong, but I'm telling you, this smells of Ian.

[Felipe Esparza]

Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Lewis did not go skiing in high school.

[Ian Finance]

First time I went skiing was a few years ago.

[Big J Okerson]

I know two dudes at the same time.

[Ian Finance]

And Latino zoneski Latino. If you ever hear about a Latino hitting the slopes, he's beating up Asian people in a deli.

[Ryan Long]

Jesus Christ.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, listen, when the guy's right, he's right. No, Louis, these are hard truths, all right?

[Ian Finance]

I will admit that's actually a joke in my stand up act. I apologize for doing that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, my God, Miss, your boyfriend is right next to you. Stop fucking me with your eyes.

[Felipe Esparza]

Shaking me out with the back of the head.

[Ian Finance]

Ian Finance. That's my vote.

[Ryan Long]

Wow. Wow. I vote Ryan.

[Ian Finance]

All votes are in. Alex on our final story.

[Alex]

This is unprecedented.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wait, Alex. Before you give the answer J again.

[Big J Okerson]

Fuck off.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, let me let you guys know. This book intertwines scientific observation with philosophical musings on the human relationship to nature, offering a rich, contemplative look at one of the most remote and fragile places on earth. With lyrical prose and deep respect for the environment, Lopez invites readers to reflect on the Arctic significance and its precarious future.

[Ryan Long]

Wow. Kind of like a ski trip.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Our looks. We're ready.

[Alex]

That was Felipe's story.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[Ian Finance]

The California ski trip.

[Felipe Esparza]

We went.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I called it early. I never go with my gut.

[Felipe Esparza]

We went on a ski trip, but we didn't ski to Sun Kiss Mountain. Somewhere in the mountains. And it was like the bad junior high kids. And they invited this high school that had nothing but pregnant chicks and runaway girls. And, like, they're the bad chicks, man. They all had tattoos. They were all in gangs. And this girl, I guess she made out with half of the camp.

[Ryan Long]

Wow.

[Felipe Esparza]

And I was like, I never made out with nobody. Like, I was talking to her titties and she gave me a hickey. And I told my friend, happy hickey was huge to go to. You made I made out with that chick Edith, bro. Me too, bro. She gave me a hand job and then I got stacked cuz she didn't give me a hand job.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ah, it sucks to know she was willing to do more.

[Felipe Esparza]

But we both had cold sores like two weeks later.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, no. Yeah, dude.

[Felipe Esparza]

He then some guy go, what is that? What? That in your mouth. Boy, if you don't know, you're not a man. I was like 15.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's forever. That's a forever story. That is a big shake up. I believe. Alex, our final scores.

[Ian Finance]

This is crazy. I don't even know who won.

[Ryan Long]

I know who won.

[Alex]

All right. On the scoreboard, I have Ryan Long with six points.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Drink your water.

[Big J Okerson]

Nothing wrong with six points. Better than last time.

[Alex]

I have Luis J. Gomez with eight points.

[Ian Finance]

Boo.

[Alex]

With 12 points, Ian Finance.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right. Okay. Respectable.

[Ian Finance]

Oh, I think I know who won.

[Alex]

With 15 points, I have Big J Okerson.

[Ian Finance]

Oh, my God.

[Alex]

And with. With 16 points, our winner for tonight, Felipe.

[Felipe Esparza]

What?

[Ian Finance]

Your winner is Felipe Esparza.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The biggest turnaround. The biggest turnaround. Turnaround. I think in Story wars history, that.

[Ian Finance]

Was the biggest comeback in the history of Story War.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I believe that to be true.

[Ian Finance]

Holy Felipe Esparza, you won.

[Big J Okerson]

He's devaluing your book.

[Ian Finance]

Dreams by Barry Lopez. I mean, what a. What an honor. What an amazing book. I'm jealous that you get to read this. I'm gonna sign it for you, but.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Everybody signs the book. Felipe, you are officially a story warrior. How about I ran across Felipe? Sparse.

[Felipe Esparza]

I would like to thank Edith. Wherever you're at. Dirty slut.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You crazy. You're a crazy mountain slut, everybody. How about it for our entire panel? Everybody here? Felipe Esparza. New special coming out on Netflix soon. Ryan Long, Ian Finance. Both specials available on YouTube.

[Ian Finance]

I am Lucia Gomez.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm Big J Okerson, everybody. We'll catch you next time on Story Wars.