024. Dave Attell, Adam Friedland, & Yannis Pappas | Broken Things

Summary

Story Warz Podcast Episode 024: Dave Attell, Adam Friedland, & Yannis Pappas | "Broken Things"

Release Date: January 17, 2025
Hosted By: GaS Digital Network
Location: LIVE from The Stand Comedy Club, New York City

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1. Introduction

The episode kicks off with Big Jay Oakerson and Lewis J. Gomez welcoming the audience to "Story Warz," a comedic game show where participants share stories with elements of deception. The atmosphere is electric as the hosts energize the sold-out crowd, setting the stage for an evening of humor and storytelling.

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2. Meet the Guests

Three notable comedians join the hosts:

• Adam Friedland – Known from "The Adam Friedland Show."
• Yannis Pappas – Renowned for the "History Hyenas Podcast."
• Dave Attell – A returning legend in the comedy scene.

Notable Quote:
Big Jay Oakerson [00:55]: "Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story Wars with the story warriors, Big J Oakerson and Lewis J. Gomez."

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3. Game Rules Explained

The hosts outline the rules of "Story Warz." Each participant submits multiple stories on a given subject—in this episode, "Judaism." During the game, stories are read anonymously, and players must either identify the original storyteller or deceive others about the story's origin. Points are awarded for successful deception and correct guesses.

Notable Quote:
Dave Attell [04:31]: "And for every person you deceive, you get one point. Every time you guess a correct story, you get two points."

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4. Round One: Broken Things

Story 1:
Adam Friedland shares a humorous tale about breaking a door at his grandmother's house in pursuit of a porno tape. The group engages in playful banter, debating the plausibility based on generational differences and personal quirks.

Notable Quote:
Adam Friedland [05:56]: "I broke a door in my grandmother's house trying to get to a porno tape."

Story 2:
The second story involves Dave Attell recounting an incident in junior high where he was judo-flipped onto his mom's coffee table, resulting in its breakage. The narrative blends physical comedy with exaggerated reactions.

Notable Quote:
Dave Attell [13:01]: "In junior high, a friend flipped me judo style, and I landed on my mom's coffee table and broke it."

Scoring:
After the first round, Dave Attell and Lewis J. Gomez lead with four points each, while Big Jay Oakerson, Adam Friedland, and Yannis Pappas trail with two points each.

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5. Intermission and Sponsors Skipped

Per the episode guidelines, all promotional segments, including advertisements and sponsor messages, are omitted from this summary to maintain focus on the core content.

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6. Round Two: Escalation and Double Points

With the game progressing, the hosts announce that the final four stories will carry double points, heightening the competition's stakes.

Story 3:
Adam Friedland narrates a wild story about having anal sex in Miami, leading to a comically awkward situation involving a round object floating in water.

Notable Quote:
Adam Friedland [22:09]: "I had anal sex with a girl in Miami and a perfectly round ball was floating in water. I smushed it down the drain with my big toe."

Story 4:
Yannis Pappas describes adopting a pit bull off the street, which leads to an absurd encounter where he has to "put his finger in the ass" to stop a dog fight—adding surreal humor to the gameplay.

Notable Quote:
Yannis Pappas [27:10]: "I adopted a pit bull off the street who was used for breeding fighting dogs... you got to put your finger in the ass."

Halftime Scores:
The competition intensifies with Lewis J. Gomez and Dave Attell now leading with six points each, while Big Jay Oakerson, Adam Friedland, and Yannis Pappas continue to battle for the remaining spots.

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7. Round Three: High Points and Hilarity

Story 5:
Adam Friedland shares a nostalgic yet outrageous memory of breaking into a friend's house to record a block of the Playboy Channel on a scrambled TV, blending childhood mischief with adult themes.

Notable Quote:
Adam Friedland [39:34]: "When I was a kid, me and my friends broke into another friend's house... to record the four-hour block of the Playboy Channel on his scrambled television."

Story 6:
Dave Attell recounts a cringe-worthy summer camp incident where a friend's attempt to masturbate leads to an accidental injury involving a window and unfortunate anatomy.

Notable Quote:
Dave Attell [50:16]: "At summer camp, my friend told me he had to masturbate and asked me to leave the room. Unfortunately, he left a window open... landed on his penis, bending it in half."

Scoring Update:
Points accumulate rapidly, with Lewis J. Gomez maintaining a lead at 18 points, while Big Jay Oakerson, Adam Friedland, and Yannis Pappas follow closely.

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8. Final Round: Decisive Stories and Closer

Story 7:
Dave Attell presents a bizarre tale of finding a broken vibrator on the street while driving a U-Haul, intertwining absurdity with unexpected humor.

Notable Quote:
Dave Attell [59:16]: "I found a broken vibrator on the street while driving a U-Haul and I didn't stop."

Story 8:
Adam Friedland delivers a high-energy story about causing vehicular chaos by ripping off six car mirrors in a U-Haul, adding tension and slapstick comedy to the narrative.

Notable Quote:
Adam Friedland [68:29]: "I ripped off six car mirrors driving a U-Haul and I didn't stop."

Final Scoring and Winner Announcement:
After intense rounds filled with laughs and unexpected twists, Lewis J. Gomez emerges victorious with a total of 22 points, narrowly beating Adam Friedland and Big Jay Oakerson, who both scored 18 points.

Notable Quote:
Lewis J. Gomez [76:19]: "Our winner tonight, Lewis J. Gomez, pulling out 22 points."

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9. Conclusion

The episode wraps up with hosts and guests celebrating the evening's successes. Lewis J. Gomez is congratulated for his strategic storytelling and deception skills, while all participants are praised for their entertaining and daring narratives. The hosts encourage listeners to engage with the comedians' personal projects and upcoming shows, ensuring the community spirit continues beyond the podcast.

Notable Quote:
Big Jay Oakerson [76:43]: "Everybody, thank you for hanging out with us on Story Wars. Make some noise for our entire fucking panel."

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Episode Insights:

• Humor and Deception: The core of "Story Warz" lies in blending humor with storytelling, challenging guests to be both entertaining and cunning.
• Comedic Chemistry: The interplay between hosts and guests creates a dynamic and engaging atmosphere, enhancing the overall listener experience.
• Competitive Spirit: The scoring system adds a layer of competitiveness, motivating participants to craft compelling and deceptive stories.

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Conclusion: Episode 024 of "Story Warz" delivers an evening packed with laughter, surprising twists, and memorable moments. With talented comedians like Dave Attell, Adam Friedland, and Yannis Pappas, the show exemplifies the perfect blend of competitive gameplay and comedic excellence. Whether you're a long-time fan or a new listener, this episode offers plenty of entertainment and showcases the unique charm of "Story Warz."

Transcript

[Big J Okerson]

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[Lewis J. Gomez]

Fill her up.

[Alex]

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.

[David Tell]

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story wars with the story warriors, Big J Okerson and Lewis J. Gomez.

[Alex]

Oh, welcome everybody. Thank you all for coming out to Story Wars. Everybody, let's make some noise in this room. Let's feel good, huh?

[David Tell]

It's the first official story wars of the year. Well, it was last week. We had one, but that doesn't count because that was the holiday. This is the real first one. And we sold out this bitch. Clap it up one more time for yourselves. Clap it up for your lineup. This is the the number one game show on earth.

[Alex]

America's new favorite game show Obsession. How many people here are familiar with Story Wars? Not bad.

[David Tell]

How many people are not familiar with Story Wars? Okay, good. No, I like that. This is going to be fun.

[Alex]

Some people don't know it was sold out and that wasn't all the people. But either way, we have a great show. Everybody, we are your host, Big J Okerson, the Puerto Rican rattlesnake, Louis Jay Gomez, we are your story warriors. We have three fantastic guests on the show tonight to play the game with us. We're gonna start introducing them in no particular order of importance. Everybody, our first guest, you know him and love him from the Adam Friedland show. Everybody, how about some noise right now for Adam fr.

[David Tell]

And our second contestant and guest, you know, from the history hyenas podcast. Clap it up one more time as loud as you can for Giannis Papist.

[Alex]

Third. Our third guest is taking a piss.

[David Tell]

Okay. That's okay. Well, we'll take a moment. We'll say hello to our first two guests, which, look, Adam is a Jew. So if you guys know this, again, a game of deception. I feel like Jews are particularly good at deceiving.

[Alex]

I do. I do.

[David Tell]

We're gonna be able to kill it here today.

[Alex]

It's hard to argue that good vamp Lewis, let's turn right to racism.

[David Tell]

Of course. Well, turn to truth, you mean.

[Alex]

Yeah, yeah, Truth bombs. Let's scare away the people who've never seen the show before.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's okay.

[David Tell]

They knew about the Jews before I said something.

[Alex]

No, I don't think they did.

[David Tell]

You think they did. Now clap your hands if you knew that Jews are liars. Come on, guys. There you go. See.

[Alex]

That small portion just scared the shit out of the rest of the audience. Oh, and guess what, everybody. Our third guest has just showed up. Everybody. You know them and love them. It's the legend, everybody. The hilarious David Tell. Act hard, motherfucker. Get shot. Dave, thank you so much for joining us. You are you and Giannis both returning to the game? Adam, it's your first time playing the game, so we will explain the game as we do every show. It's very, very simple. Everybody on this panel, including me and Lewis, have submitted three to five stories on any given subject. Today's subject is Judaism. That's a good guess.

[David Tell]

What kind of broken things?

[Alex]

Broken things, everybody. Alex, our producer, will read off the stories one at a. We will see it here on the screen. If it is your story, you're the only person who knows that it is your job to deceive everybody else. If it is not your story, it is your job to guess whose story it is.

[David Tell]

And for every person you deceive, you get one point. Every time you guess a correct story, you get two points. Very easy, guys. I know it seems very confusing, but you guys are going to play along. You're going to love it. Ladies and gentlemen, let's start the war.

[Alex]

Well. Well, before we get into the actual war, you should know that every week here, you're not coming and playing for nothing here.

[David Tell]

I mean, it is fun, but we don't play for fun.

[Alex]

We have an extensive Story wars library here, and every time we're playing for a book. Today's book, Rat Boys A Dating Experiment by Tom Eberhard. Rat Boys, by Tom Eberhard is a young adult science fiction novel that combines elements of dystopia, adventure and survival. The story is set in a future where humanity struggles with the effects of. Of environmental collapse.

[David Tell]

Yeah.

[Alex]

Dave, you have a question?

[Giannis Pappas]

Hold. Hold. I was on maybe 10 story wars ago, and that was the book we.

[Alex]

Got called on our.

[David Tell]

We always give out Rat Boy. That's the secret.

[Alex]

Actually, it was fine last time Dave was on. The book was something about a boy. It was something Boy something.

[Giannis Pappas]

I don't remember.

[David Tell]

We love boys.

[Alex]

We love boys. Here. Now that we know that we're not up here just fucking dicking around for nothing. Rat boys, a dating experiment is on the line. Alex, let's start the wars. Story number one.

[Adam Friedland]

Story number one. I broke a door in my grandmother's house trying to get to a porno tape.

[Alex]

Me.

[David Tell]

Yeah, but Jay, you wouldn't break a door. You would crash through it like the koolaid man.

[Alex]

Yeah, yeah. Let him know I was there. I wonder who did this.

[Audience Member]

Whoever's grandma this is had the porn. The gray. It was grandmother's house.

[David Tell]

Right? That is true. Who's. Whose grandmother is a real.

[Alex]

My grandmother was. No.

[Audience Member]

Yeah.

[Alex]

I won't accept that.

[Audience Member]

Whose grandmother was trying keeping it going?

[Alex]

Yeah, Grandma.

[Audience Member]

Yeah.

[David Tell]

Assuming it was probably grand grandpa's porn. Or maybe this person's parent lived with grandma. Still. I don't think it was grandma's porn.

[Alex]

Well, it's his grandmother's house.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

What the is going on? Well, Adam and mother had a tape, so that's like a vhs.

[David Tell]

Vhs.

[Alex]

Okay. You know what? Now I'm thinking it's not Adam for sure because he didn't understand the concept of tape.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah.

[Alex]

He's too young.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I'm 14 years old.

[Audience Member]

Yeah. Deception, dude.

[David Tell]

We are. We. We all grew up with. VHS is a tell, I think. What did they have like, back in the day? It was like one of those, like.

[Giannis Pappas]

Films where they stack films, scrimshaw etchings. We would act it out.

[David Tell]

So you know what?

[Giannis Pappas]

I'm grandmother's door.

[Audience Member]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

To a house.

[Alex]

Giannis, you're being awful quiet over there. Did your grandma love porn?

[Audience Member]

My grandma didn't speak English and she was killed by Ottoman Turks.

[Alex]

Okay.

[David Tell]

Was it for that porno tape, did.

[Alex]

You call her your yaya or something Greek?

[Audience Member]

I called her my yaya. That was. Yeah. I didn't. Never met her because she was dead.

[David Tell]

Yeah.

[Alex]

So she probably didn't have a porno tape.

[Audience Member]

She probably didn't have a porno tape. But Lewis has the life story of Batman and was probably raised by his grandparents.

[Alex]

And Bats.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, and bats.

[Alex]

Well, I fear bets Louis wasn't raised by his grandparents. I know that, but I don't even know if I've ever heard a story about Lewis having grandparents at all.

[David Tell]

My grandma. My great grandma Rose, who called me the N word at the Thanksgiving dinner table.

[Alex]

Yeah, good reason for the bad garbage there. But I'm talking about a grandmother. That's a great grandmother.

[Audience Member]

Right. He's Puerto Rican, so he probably would have called his grandma mom.

[Alex]

Very, very true.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's good.

[Alex]

He's also Puerto Rican, so his grandmother was 13 years old.

[Audience Member]

That's right. Yeah, that's right.

[David Tell]

You see, it's a fun show, people.

[Audience Member]

This sounds like a Philly situation to me.

[David Tell]

Yeah. Jay didn't have a great relationship with his grandma. He took her death very hard. Most other people just let their grandmas die and move on. If you're an adult. Jay made it a whole thing.

[Alex]

Lewis thinks I took my grandmother's death hard because I said I can't go to the show on Monday because the woman who raised me for many years. His funeral is Monday, and I won't be back in time. And he goes, well, how about if we do it early in the day? Can you go then? After you started concocting ways I could maybe work it around my grandmother's funeral. So Adam.

[David Tell]

Adam just said, grandma's died. That's what they're supposed to do.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Alex]

But they're also not supposed to raise you. And she did.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, okay. Well, I'm not going to feel bad about it, though, if someone says that.

[Alex]

Listen, maybe you'd feel so not bad about it, you'd break into her house to steal a porno tape. That's the question.

[David Tell]

Jay did admit that he was raised by his grandma. It was his porno tape in her house. I'm going to start the voting right now. I'm going to go J. Big J. Okerson, the pervert.

[Audience Member]

He's also being, like, very controlly about this. Like, he's, like, hosting it. Like, deflection.

[Alex]

First words. Giannis said was throwing it to me. Giannis Papas. It is. Oh, you guys are going to give somebody a lot of points here.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It was a great story, too. I just want to add.

[Alex]

Now. I plugged now. Now it's not Adam. It's definitely not Adam. Him too young for porn tape.

[David Tell]

Jay is. Jay's having a meltdown right now because he knows he's not getting any points this round.

[Alex]

I know someone's getting points, and it's bugging. Bugging the out of me. All right, Dave, you got to put it in the she.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, I'm gonna. I'm gonna follow suit with the Asian man on the end.

[Alex]

Oh.

[David Tell]

Yeah.

[Alex]

You gotta put it in your hol.

[Giannis Pappas]

Oh, this. It's so fancy. I remember rules. I remember last time I did it, they had migrants hold it.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Higher, higher. I said, yeah.

[Alex]

The authorities came in, said, we can't use people as tables anymore. All right, all the answers are in. Alex.

[Adam Friedland]

That was Big J. Over.

[Alex]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He.

[Giannis Pappas]

He was the one who really cracked that case. You did, buddy.

[Audience Member]

It sounded like.

[Giannis Pappas]

Good work, Kojak.

[Audience Member]

You got it, baby. Yeah, baby.

[Alex]

Now, so you guys know my grandmother wasn't a perv who had porn tapes. She had a tenant that lived, rented a room in her basement. He had porn tapes. And I. I used to break into his room to steal it. But I got caught ultimately because I used to use a scissors. And you'd be able to, like, kind of go through the door jamb and, like, kind of like scrape the hammer back. We know the thing that goes in the lock back and open. It's like a little thin fucking wood door. And then one day that wasn't working, and I wanted this porno tape so bad. I thought maybe if I couldn't get that way, maybe if I just stuck the scissors in the lock and tried to turn it, it would work. And it broke the tip of the scissors off. And then I got caught for trying to break into his room. And I had to admit, it was to. There was no other reason to break in there, smell his underwear, or steal his porn tapes.

[Audience Member]

Right, Right.

[David Tell]

I was either trying to rob this guy or get his porn tape.

[Alex]

So I went with, yeah, I lied, or I did tell I was seeing the porn tapes.

[David Tell]

What did your grandma do?

[Alex]

He didn't do much. There's not much you could do. Everyone's embarrassed at that point. He's embarrassed that I was breaking in to steal his porn. My grandmother now knows he has porno tapes in there.

[Audience Member]

So you had gotten in there before because you knew he had the porno tape?

[Alex]

Oh, yeah.

[Audience Member]

Yeah.

[Alex]

I still remember the scene I used to always watch on that porno tape.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

What was that like? The porn?

[Alex]

The porn. It was an Asian girl dressed in very boring clothes. Clothing, nice. Shows up at a door to sell something, and the guys do. I don't think you can make this kind of porn anymore. The guys are doing a whole, like, yeah, come tell us all about it. And she's like, oh, and this vacation package, like, sure. And they. And they just started fucking her. It was pretty great.

[David Tell]

Ah, the good old days. Rape porn.

[Alex]

Rape porn. Before society got involved.

[David Tell]

All right, wait, wait.

[Giannis Pappas]

Did they fix the lock? Don't leave us hanging.

[David Tell]

Alex, where are our points at?

[Adam Friedland]

All right. On the scoreboard. Big J Okerson earned zero points in round one. Everyone else has two points each for guessing correctly.

[Alex]

Well, that was easy.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, we did it, guys.

[David Tell]

Very easy. All right, Alex, story number two.

[Adam Friedland]

Story number two. In junior high, a friend Flipped me judo style, and I landed on my mom's coffee table and broke it.

[Audience Member]

Lewis.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Audience Member]

Violence, Louis.

[Giannis Pappas]

That smells of hilarious violence.

[David Tell]

I would have been doing the violence.

[Alex]

No, but you're calling out the style. Your style changes were the problem. We wouldn't have pulled that off if he wasn't doing judo to my mma.

[Audience Member]

Right, but actually, I have seen young pictures. You were a fat kid.

[David Tell]

I was fat. Nobody was judo throwing me when I was young.

[Alex]

No, but it's your own. It's your own weight against you. Someone could judo throw a fat. Lewis.

[David Tell]

Well, I mean, if it was a.

[Giannis Pappas]

It was.

[David Tell]

If it was a trained judoka.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[David Tell]

Not just some guy.

[Giannis Pappas]

Now, the thing that gets me is I'm saying yes with the martial arts, but no with the coffee table. I don't see that.

[David Tell]

If it was a. It was a TV box.

[Alex]

Right.

[Giannis Pappas]

I see you raised with a snack tray.

[Audience Member]

That was both. I see you with a. With a milk crate as the coffee table. Yeah.

[Alex]

Dave, don't you ever see you with.

[Giannis Pappas]

A carburetor leaking out on a small bed?

[David Tell]

We had a coffee table. I mean, I don't want to pretend.

[Alex]

It'S me and it's you. Goddamn, Dave, don't you have a. A strange, dark past with martial arts?

[Giannis Pappas]

Me?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Really?

[Giannis Pappas]

I'm a man of peace.

[Alex]

I think Dave has a martial arts background.

[Giannis Pappas]

Story was wheezing on a coffee table. That might have been. I don't know.

[Alex]

It's junior high, though.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I think it's Dave. Yeah, because he said judoka. So he, like, referenced you.

[Alex]

He said judoka.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You said it. Oh, it's you.

[David Tell]

Yeah.

[Alex]

Whoever says judoka. Is it?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

Could be Adam, though.

[David Tell]

It could be Adam. Adam's very light. He's throwable.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, very throwable.

[Alex]

I don't know if he's going through a table. How flimsy is this table?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

No, it was impossible. I've never gotten beaten up by a girl.

[David Tell]

It could be Giannis, too. The Greeks have tons of tables. You ever been to a Greek house? There's tables everywhere.

[Alex]

My God, their whole culture is coffee, coffee, everything. Everything's that design from the coffee cup.

[Audience Member]

That's right.

[Giannis Pappas]

But wouldn't that be a sign of, like, good in a Greek house? Like, break a coffee table. You're getting married.

[Alex]

That's right, Opa.

[Audience Member]

It's good luck.

[Giannis Pappas]

Hey, the car service is up. Break a coffee table.

[Alex]

John Stamos gets his wings.

[Giannis Pappas]

Hey.

[David Tell]

You break a coffee table to.

[Alex]

Celebrate, and celebrate it was the day George Michael died.

[David Tell]

No, this judo. Judo flip. Judo style.

[Audience Member]

Flippy judo style.

[Alex]

Me and Lewis are supposed to have to vote first, so. Yeah, that is in the interest of that. I'm gonna throw. I'm gonna go. Dave Attel.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

What?

[Alex]

Judo master.

[David Tell]

Yeah. The last story was Dave told us that he. He was in martial arts.

[Alex]

He took it very seriously. Set up the sundown.

[Giannis Pappas]

When was that?

[David Tell]

On the last story wars.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You, You.

[David Tell]

You're somebody about your sensei.

[Giannis Pappas]

No, that wasn't me. Sure, it was me.

[David Tell]

You know, I'm gonna say a tell.

[Giannis Pappas]

I don't remember opening up that that much to you.

[David Tell]

He has way more martial arts in his past than he's letting on.

[Giannis Pappas]

Okay.

[Alex]

Yeah. Dave's a sorcerer of the dark arts. You have a vote for Lewis.

[Audience Member]

I'm going Adam. Because Adam's Jewish, and in the Jewish.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Household, I hide, I don't fight.

[Alex]

Oh, that's spelled wrong. You're thinking of Jew. J, E W doe. That's how you make D, O, U.

[David Tell]

G H. That's how you make Jewish money.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah. Very different.

[Alex]

Yeah, it's chocolate and coins sticking with it.

[David Tell]

He was thrown. He was thrown through his judo.

[Audience Member]

Check this out.

[Alex]

Right into my Judeo, my pile of judo.

[Audience Member]

He put mom's coffee table, when really it's just the house's coffee table. But the Jewish culture is very matriarchal, and everything's about the mom and the guilt. And he probably still whips himself because of what he did.

[David Tell]

If it would have said I was thrown through the family's ATM machine, I'd be like, it's probably Adam.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

We didn't have one at the house. What are you talking about? We had money problems.

[Alex]

Dave, the final vote.

[Audience Member]

Okay, he's going. Adam too.

[Alex]

Yeah, Gnome.

[Giannis Pappas]

I see it. Horse play.

[David Tell]

You know, I thought he said gnome from the comedy cell. And I was like, adam.

[Alex]

So much judo. Alex, everyone's answers are in. The story belongs to the story.

[Adam Friedland]

Warriors are correct. That was David.

[Giannis Pappas]

God damn it.

[Alex]

Damn it. No one believed in your karate past.

[Giannis Pappas]

I shouldn't have shown you my well developed calves before the show. So now am I supposed to tell this?

[David Tell]

Yeah.

[Alex]

What happened?

[Giannis Pappas]

Okay, well, it was in the early, I guess, late 70s, and we had. I think it was in between Karate Kids and Rambo movies. So we were really full of it back then. And just this friend of mine, guy lived down the block. I remember his dad sold paint. That was the coolest thing about him. Like, man, you want some paint? We got paint. And, you know, he was bigger than me. And anyhow, so anyway, he like Got me and he flipped me over and, like, just smashed this marble coffee table. Like, it wasn't that fancy, but it was, like, one of my mom's favorite things. She comes running and she's like, what did you do? And I'm bleeding and stuff like that. And it's funny how, like, she, like, was like, I don't know if we can get the coffee table fixed or anything like that. And I'm like, I'm bleeding. So she stitched me up herself. I had to go for stitches, but she did it herself. She was sick of taking us to the hospital. So just sitting on her fucking table, having her stitch me up like that, it was like.

[Alex]

With what?

[Giannis Pappas]

With a thread. A needle and thread.

[David Tell]

Just thread?

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Like Civil War style. She could have taken the leg.

[Alex]

I was like Florence Nightingale.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. Yelling at me while she's doing it.

[Alex]

Do you have a scar from those cuts?

[David Tell]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

I'll show it to you later.

[Alex]

Nice.

[David Tell]

If you win.

[Alex]

Yay.

[David Tell]

Alex, where are points at?

[Adam Friedland]

All right, on the scoreboard, I have Big J, Adam and Giannis with two points each, and Lewis and Dave in the lead with four points each.

[Giannis Pappas]

Nice. We've seen this before, haven't we? We've seen this before.

[Alex]

It's never over till it's over.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I'm locked in.

[David Tell]

Now you got it. Now you figured it out.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get the game.

[Alex]

Question three. Everyone gets it. Everyone's invested. And just remember, guys, you're playing for Rat Boys. The protagonist, a boy named Jonas, is part of a group of survivors known as the Rat Boys. These kids live in the remnants of a ruined world, scavenging for supplies in a dangerous and harsh environment.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Giannis Pappas]

What a great. What a great read on the train.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[David Tell]

Okay, let's take a quick moment and thank one of my favorite sponsors in the world, which is Mando. It's Total Body Deodorant. Truly the best in the business. I love it. Not just for your armpits, but your balls, your butt crack, your grundle. Really? Anywhere you smell, Mando has you covered.

[Alex]

Yes.

[David Tell]

Oh, it's the Mando Vampire. Weird. Oh, wow, look at that.

[Alex]

That's right, everybody. I'm here talking about my fresh smelling nut bag. That's right, Mando Vampire.

[David Tell]

I'm so happy you got hired at Mando.

[Alex]

It's so hard to keep your body smelling fresh when you've been dead for centuries.

[David Tell]

That is true. And it's truly not just armpits. It's everywhere. You can smell. You know what? I love my favorite Thing that they have is these. These wipes that you. That you use for your balls. Unless you get off a flight or out of a car ride, just take them out. You can just rub your balls down. You don't got a shower.

[Alex]

It's my favorite thing. My balls forever smelled like bat fur, but now they are brisk.

[David Tell]

Bourbon leather.

[Alex]

Smell my balls. Bourbon leather.

[David Tell]

Very nice.

[Alex]

Now kiss the top of it.

[David Tell]

I don't want to kiss the top of it.

[Alex]

Kiss the top of it. Yes.

[David Tell]

Kiss the top of it.

[Alex]

Yes. Now just down to the middle. No, no, no. We have things to pitch.

[David Tell]

They really do have incredible products. Genuinely great. They're aluminum free, paraben free, whatever that means. They don't test on animals, go worse. And genuinely controls your order for up to 72 hours. Here's the deal. We want you to try out their starter pack. You get $5 off their starter pack. That's about 40 off. And that includes their cream deodorant, the solid stick deodorant, and two products of your choice, like the mini body wash or the deodorant wipes.

[Alex]

Yes. I just wiped my butthole with them. Louis, smell my butthole.

[David Tell]

I don't want to smell your butthole.

[Alex]

Smell my.

[David Tell]

Smell your butthole.

[Alex]

Oh, yes. The fart still smells. Mando. Can't do that.

[David Tell]

Shop.

[Alex]

It's not a six in one, it's a five in one.

[David Tell]

Shopmando.com is the website when you check out, use the promo code wars to get $5 off your starter pack. That is wars with a Z at shopmando. M a N--O dot com.

[Alex]

Yes to the castle. Our next story, please.

[Adam Friedland]

Story number three. I had anal sex with a girl in Miami and a perfectly round ball was floating in water. I smushed it down the drain with my big toe.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[David Tell]

How is this a. What does this have to do with anything? Broken.

[Alex]

I guess her ass was broken for sure.

[Audience Member]

I guess the shit got broken when he pushed it down the toilet.

[David Tell]

Her relationship with her father was broken.

[Audience Member]

It too.

[Giannis Pappas]

It just broke my appetite for the post game feast.

[Alex]

Sex is taking place in a pool. Clearly.

[David Tell]

Let me see one more time. I had anal sex with a girl in Miami and a perfectly round shit ball was floating in what water?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, the toilet. The story makes no sense.

[David Tell]

I smush it down.

[Audience Member]

Maybe they were in the shower.

[Giannis Pappas]

Someone.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

A girl's ass in a toilet.

[Giannis Pappas]

It's more of a.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

What is this story? It's a lie.

[Alex]

Or.

[Audience Member]

Or maybe the ocean.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It's Yanis, dude.

[David Tell]

Giannis has a lot of it's clearly, Yanis Giannis has a lot of answers. And he also lived in Miami.

[Alex]

Giannis was a king of Miami. He had a TV show, morning TV show in Miami. Yeah. This guy was butt and everybody of water around that goddamn.

[David Tell]

And he's Greek. They love the butt.

[Alex]

They invented it.

[David Tell]

This couldn't be any more of a Giannis Papa's story.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

No, but it says a girl, so it's not Greek.

[Alex]

That's fair.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[David Tell]

Was it your yaya?

[Audience Member]

Let's just. I mean, this is all.

[Giannis Pappas]

He'S saying. Are we supposed to vote or no?

[Alex]

Yeah. You should have said Miami. He's just in a shower.

[Audience Member]

I just wanted. All right, all right. Everyone got me.

[David Tell]

It's a solid Greek key.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Great acting, Yanis. Yeah.

[Audience Member]

That was bad.

[David Tell]

Giannis gave up.

[Alex]

Very well.

[Audience Member]

I gave up. Thank you for the Greek.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Because he was doing. He was trying to brag about that he was butt sex with girls in toilets and stuff.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I guess it was me with the round shit ball.

[Alex]

Alex, let's make it official.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Again.

[Adam Friedland]

You're not gonna believe this, guys. That was Yanis. Pop.

[Alex]

You got me when you wanted us to know you butt fucked this girl so bad and that it wasn't a weird place you go. Could have been a shower.

[Audience Member]

It was in the shower and she left, and there was a little water down. I looked down, was like a perfectly round ball. Like, I had almost molded it with my dick. It was like I sculpted it. Yeah. Just like.

[David Tell]

Well, the Greeks are great at art.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

It was just like I was getting different angles.

[Giannis Pappas]

I think we should bring her out. Come on, everybody.

[Alex]

Give her a hand.

[Audience Member]

And then I saw it, and I just. I didn't want her to see it in the morning and be embarrassed, so I just used my big toe and just kind of.

[David Tell]

Do you see what. How nice guys are? A woman would be like, ew, you shit in the shower. We don't want to embarrass you.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Thank you.

[Alex]

Were she hot enough to fuck her again after you mushed her shit down a drain?

[Audience Member]

No. No.

[Alex]

Oh, all right, all right.

[Audience Member]

Well, but. And then it's funny that it was. We were in Miami. This was spring break when I was in college, and we were at Gloria Stefan's hotel, and my friend was with her friend in the room, and we were in the bathroom. Right. So when she left, I. I was in there alone, and my friend opened the bathroom door and I had a nosebleed, and he was just like. He looked at me and he's like, what the happened in here and I had no idea. I had a nosebleed. So.

[David Tell]

Miami Giannis was a better Giannis.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, it was a good time. And I didn't do coke or anything that night. I think I was just straining so hard, I was really putting.

[David Tell]

How did you meet this girl, Giannis?

[Audience Member]

Well, I don't want to say it publicly.

[David Tell]

What? She was your co host on that show.

[Audience Member]

No, no, this was in. This was in college.

[Alex]

There's also no guarantee the ship ball was hers.

[Audience Member]

It could have popped out of my ass. Yeah, that's a good point that I didn't even think about right now. This is one of those aha moments you get in therapy.

[Alex]

Could have. Could have been dropping yourself. Yeah. Upon release.

[Audience Member]

Yeah. No, she. We were dating for a while. Oh, it's a girlfriend who's a girl.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[David Tell]

All right.

[Alex]

Yuck. The scores.

[Adam Friedland]

All right, on the scoreboard, I have Giannis with two points on the board. All right, Big J and Adam tied with four points each. And Lewis and David Tell still tied for the lead with six points each.

[Alex]

That's right, folks.

[Audience Member]

Have you guys noticed that I suck at this game?

[David Tell]

No, you're great, Giannis, great story.

[Alex]

Game is far from over. You keep your head in the game. Well, it's easy. Let's see with story number four.

[Adam Friedland]

Story number four, I adopted a pit bull off the street who was used for breeding fighting dogs. My first week having her, she got into a fight with another pit bull, a Bagger Vance style. Magical Negro appeared and told me, you want to stop that? You want to stop that? You got to put your finger in the ass.

[Alex]

Nice.

[Adam Friedland]

It worked.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Alex]

It worked though.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I guess you get anyone to stop fighting that way, huh?

[Alex]

Probably, yeah.

[David Tell]

That is a great point. Yeah.

[Alex]

If you jam a finger anyone's ass in mid fight, that becomes the main focus.

[Giannis Pappas]

I think I was figured out who in the shower now, am I right? It was a pit bull.

[Audience Member]

Well, whoever did this was on drugs at the time. No.

[Alex]

Well, here's the thing. This. This does not read Lewis to me.

[Audience Member]

Because Louis hates periods.

[Alex]

Yes. There's a lot of. Yeah. Quotes, all that shit.

[David Tell]

I hate Pitbull owners.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Alex]

Okay. But Lewis wouldn't have adopted a pit bull off the street, I don't think. But I might be talking you guys out of Lewis. And it's Lewis. And this might be why he doesn't like.

[David Tell]

Also, Alex, when you do this, you don't have to do a black scent. That's kind of racist. I gotta be honest with you, Alex.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

No, I Think it liked it?

[David Tell]

I. I did to it.

[Alex]

How do you think you said it again?

[Adam Friedland]

Well, wait, how else are you supposed to read that?

[David Tell]

I'm going to go. You want to stop that?

[Alex]

Put your finger in day ass. You should have wrote day a day ass.

[David Tell]

Yeah. I mean, if I was even in a mild argument with somebody and they put their finger on my ass, I'm stopping every time.

[Alex]

Absolutely.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Good.

[David Tell]

It.

[Audience Member]

It does. It does jar the dog out of it. It is. It is actually the weighted stop.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Like he knows something. Yeah, seems like he knows.

[David Tell]

And by the way, these stories are randomly generated. It could be honest twice in a row. It could be anything. Yeah, but there's no rules.

[Audience Member]

I'm gonna go and tell because Negro is probably the proper.

[Alex]

Oh, yes.

[Audience Member]

That was like. That was like saying person of color for a good decade.

[Alex]

Yeah, exactly. African American. Back in my realm.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It's scientific.

[Giannis Pappas]

Well, I am a. I am a dog whisperer. Might have to stick a digit in the door. Go ahead.

[David Tell]

I'm thinking it's either a tell or Adam. Either way, it's a Jewish person. That's the way that I feel about this. Something.

[Alex]

Dogs off the streets. Is that a very Jewish.

[David Tell]

Well, I mean, I.

[Alex]

Seems like a much more Puerto Rican thing.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

They make a mess.

[David Tell]

Adam, where did you grow up?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Las Vegas, Nevada.

[Audience Member]

Oh, that's Adam.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

Random pit bulls on the street.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, Great question. Great question.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

But they make a mess in the street.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, that's Adam.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's like a sport there.

[Audience Member]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

You know, they don't.

[David Tell]

You know, they have battlebot Arena.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Our sport is bum fights.

[David Tell]

It is Adam.

[Alex]

Adam. You don't get points if you vote for yourself.

[Audience Member]

Why? It should.

[Giannis Pappas]

Right.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I thought that was the flaw in the game.

[David Tell]

And don't write yourself, Adam. Don't write yourself until everyone writes your name in.

[Alex]

I was on the fence a little until I saw Adam himself said it was.

[David Tell]

So was that dog.

[Alex]

Dog was on the fence for a little dog.

[David Tell]

On the fence.

[Audience Member]

Yeah.

[Alex]

Well, I guess let's make it official.

[Adam Friedland]

Alex, that was Adam.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yes.

[Audience Member]

Great guy.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I'm a great guy.

[Alex]

What happened, Adam?

[David Tell]

Yeah, tell us a story.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I. I adopted a dog named Isis off the street.

[Giannis Pappas]

What?

[Audience Member]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

And everyone thinks I named it that to be, like, edgy. And I'm like, no. But then I. I didn't want to.

[David Tell]

You would have named the dog Negro if you were edgy.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I didn't want to change it to let the terrorists win.

[Alex]

Sure.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

But then I call her. I call her Icy. I can't be, like, on the Phone at the park and be like, I'm training with ISIS right now.

[Giannis Pappas]

Okay?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

So, like, and then I, I didn't know anything about dogs. And this man said, she was just having puppies at my grandmother's house, and she has nowhere to live. And so I said, I, I. I'm the hero. I am a hero.

[David Tell]

I'm.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I'm gonna take her into my home. And then she almost murdered. It's very funny to see me with a murder weapon around Brooklyn. Just like a. A gentrifier with a violent animal. No, but yeah. So she got in this horrific fight, and this old man was like, you want. You want to get them boys to stop fighting? You got to put a finger in their ass. So I put my finger in my dog's ass, and then I told them, I'm not liable. I'm represented by Dershowitz. And Dershowitz.

[Giannis Pappas]

That would be funny if he said, no, my ass.

[Alex]

No.

[Giannis Pappas]

You got the offset switches in my ass.

[Alex]

And you want to calm this and use your tongues.

[Giannis Pappas]

Use your tongue.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It was like a very Angels in the outfield style situation. He did disappear afterwards. And then. Yeah, and then they said they wanted to get my dog killed. Oh, and then I said that your dog started it, and it's a girl, and yours is a boy, and she's smaller, so your dog should be ashamed of himself. And then.

[Alex]

Yeah, and then just two of you just sitting there, finger. Your dog's in a corner until everything stops.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

So, yeah.

[Alex]

Yeah. Whoever pops first wins.

[David Tell]

We've never had this before, but I'm gonna. I'm gonna allow it. Somebody. This girl here, she just raised her hand and said, I have a question.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Yes, you. Because there's no way this is not son, father, and grandfather. What?

[Alex]

What do you think?

[Audience Member]

Identical.

[David Tell]

Oh, these guys.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Anti Semite.

[Audience Member]

Yeah. Jesus Christ.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Anti Semite.

[Audience Member]

Did you just call me a Jew?

[Alex]

Anti Semite. Anti Semite.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Anti Semite. For sure.

[David Tell]

I love how you think a tal could be his grandfather.

[Audience Member]

Oh, you mean.

[Giannis Pappas]

Thank you.

[Audience Member]

She's going age wise. Give it up.

[Giannis Pappas]

Give it up for autism. What are you looking at us for? It's the story.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You're autistic. It's wrong for girls to have it. I thought it was the guy thing.

[Alex]

I'll tell you what. When you ask that question, Adam, she looked at her boyfriend. Her boyfriend looked down and puffed his vape. He went. I didn't tell him, babe. It should be.

[David Tell]

We've never. Guys, don't do that again. No more questions.

[Alex]

It wasn't Even a question. It was just an observation.

[David Tell]

Also, sir, how do you live with that voice?

[Giannis Pappas]

She's like, what?

[David Tell]

Is he the grandpa? Is he the sun?

[Giannis Pappas]

What is he?

[Alex]

They're all connected. It's all related.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Father, son, and grandfather. I cheated on you this weekend.

[Alex]

I wanted to. I've lost attraction.

[David Tell]

Oh, my God, that voice stinks.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Grow up.

[Alex]

The scores, please. All right, at halftime.

[Adam Friedland]

At halftime, on the scoreboard, I have Adam and Giannis with four points each, Big J with six points and still tied for the lead with eight points each. Lewis and Dave Attell, the two legends.

[Giannis Pappas]

This is great. This is usually the part of the game where I put money on it.

[Alex]

You hustle.

[Giannis Pappas]

But since we live in a world of books, I'm gonna pull out my copy of the Turner Diaries right now and throw it on the table.

[David Tell]

Dave, let's not. Dave, let's not fight. I don't want anyone to have to put a finger on our asses.

[Alex]

It is halftime of the show. Let's go around, do some plugs, everybody. David, Toe. What are you plugging, my man?

[David Tell]

I really love that joke.

[Giannis Pappas]

That was a real knowing laugh, wasn't it, huh? Hey, I think we found a friend for you, Miss over there. I'll be it. Just go to my site, davidtel.com. i got plenty of road work, 2025. Hope to see you all out there. So thank you, guys. Thank you, Story Wars. Thank you, Skank Fest, for letting me be a part of it.

[Audience Member]

Giannis History Hyenas podcast.

[Alex]

Back.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, back. We're back. We'll be in D.C. january 18th. For the inauguration? No, for a show. For a show to storm the Capitol.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

No, for Kamala.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, for Kamala. We'll be protesting for Kamala. It was stolen from Kamala. We'll be at the Lincoln Theater doing a show and then go to my site, giannispappiscomedy.com for road dates. For standup.

[Alex]

Noice. Adam.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Check out the Adam Freeland Show. It's an intellectual style, center left talk show on the Internet. Many people are calling me the liberal Joe Rogan. We're going to have Bill Maher on the show pretty soon. I'm going to confirm it right now, even though they didn't email me back. But I will be having Bill Maher at some point on the show, and he will show me what is apparently the largest penis in Hollywood, which is amazing. Have you heard that?

[Alex]

Oh, no.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's why I like that. I know somebody because his is like, to his knee. He makes sense, right?

[Alex]

He Confidently pulls it out in front of black chicks a lot.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I heard that too.

[Alex]

That does mean something to me. That does. But I know John Ham's got a biggie. Huey Lewis. I know all the big dicks.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Liam Neeson, Monster. You see that one?

[Alex]

James Woods.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

James Woods. Huge one too. I know. Yeah. Lexington Steel.

[Alex]

Amazing. Absolutely incredible. Johnny Watt. Holmes, I believe, also had a piece.

[David Tell]

Big J. Tell them where they can see you.

[Alex]

BigJ.Comedy.com for all my dates, everybody. If you're listening, I'm going to be in Phoenix and Tempe this weekend. I'm all over the place. Look for a city near you coming soon. Miami. I have Ontario, California soon. Look for it near you. My new Double Crowd Work special going to be premiering the first one. It's called Them. They Double Crowd work special. First part them coming out February 14th, 13th, I believe. Valentine's Day. So look for that coming out really soon on YouTube. I need all your support on that. Everybody. Please comment on all that and do what you got to do to get it in the algorithm. And of course, listen to the bonfire five days a week faction talk series XM103 with me and the great Robert Kelly. And of course, the Legion of Skanks.

[David Tell]

Legendary Legion.

[Alex]

The legendary Legion of Skanks right here on the Gas Digital Network.

[David Tell]

Come see me live on the road. Go to my website, LewisOfSkanks.com this weekend, Zany's Rosemont on Friday and Saturday. Next weekend I'm in Canada. Canada. I'm in Ghana. No, Quay. Ontario on Thursday. That's a real town. Montreal on Friday, Saturday, Ottawa on Sunday. North Charleston at the end of the month. Naples at the end of the month. Go to LewisOfSkings.com.com sign up for my mailing list. You get a bonus podcast on my mailing list every week. Check out all my other pods. The Lewis and Zach show, the regs, and obviously Legion of Skanks. And subscribe to Gas Digital. If you love this show, you get every episode of the show uncensored ad free pre release just for the [e-mail] use the promo code WAR and you save a buck 50amonth in the premium membership.

[Alex]

Going to Noqua.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Let's go.

[Giannis Pappas]

Great.

[Alex]

Go to. Nope. Was lovely this time of the sun. Very Native American.

[David Tell]

I got it.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Are you gonna do a land acknowledgment before you do your show?

[Alex]

Yes. Sorry we stole your land. Now. What's up, faggots? Guys, we are now moving on to the second half of the game, our final four stories. And I know you might be thinking it's looking bleak. Giannis, you say you're terrible at this game.

[Audience Member]

I've lost every time. I've been in the last place every time.

[Alex]

It's okay, though, because the game is far from over, no matter what the score is. Because for the final four stories, double points.

[David Tell]

Wow.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Wow. Huge deal.

[Alex]

So whereas before, if you fooled people, you got a point a piece, and if you guessed the right story, you got two points, now you receive double points.

[David Tell]

Two, two, two.

[Alex]

Oh, thank you, Roots Quest. Loving the boys.

[David Tell]

Yeah. For our audio listeners, we actually hired the Roots to do all the music.

[Alex]

They said every time. Black thought and the fellas. Hold it down. Alex. Story number five.

[Adam Friedland]

Story number five. When I was a kid, me and my friends broke into another friend's house while he was away on vacation so that we could record the four hour. The four Hour block of the Playboy Channel on his Scrambled television.

[Audience Member]

Okay. This is an age.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's a poor one.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[David Tell]

I. I can't believe that Jay would put in two stories about breaking into somebody's house for porn. That's psychotic.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It's not Jay. It's Lewis. It's Louis.

[Alex]

I mean, this does reek of Lewis to me, for sure.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It seems like Louis one of his master criminal plans.

[Alex]

Yeah, Lewis has a lot of plots of evil crime, but he didn't go through with a lot.

[David Tell]

I. Look, I would 100% break into somebody's house for porn. I understand why this seems like me. I would probably vote me if I were you guys or.

[Alex]

It sounds like I didn't realize what was going on. And I wrote the same story two different ways.

[David Tell]

I mean, so. All right, so Scrambled televisions as a kid, that didn't exist when Davitel was a child.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[David Tell]

We only had three channels.

[Alex]

I feel like it's me, Lewis, Giannis are the only three who fall into this age bracket frame.

[Giannis Pappas]

I'm going all in on Giannis right away. I know that I'm breaking up the order of it, but I figured in the second half, maybe I could start. I'm saying Giannis right now.

[Alex]

Why? Why?

[Audience Member]

I didn't even say anything.

[Giannis Pappas]

I know that's how.

[David Tell]

Maybe that's why.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's how good I feel.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I agree.

[David Tell]

Adam, how old are you?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I'm actually 37.

[Audience Member]

I look.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You.

[David Tell]

You're 37?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah. I was born during the Reagan administration. The gipper.

[Alex]

Are you 37?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I'm 37.

[Alex]

Damn. Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Great for my great age.

[Alex]

Yanis, that was too reflective. Whatever age. It's good age.

[David Tell]

And Giannis, how old are you?

[Audience Member]

48.

[David Tell]

48?

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[David Tell]

Yeah. This.

[Alex]

This look great. I'm 47.

[David Tell]

I mean, let me just say I. When. When you. When the Scrambled Playboy was happening, I was very young.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

We had it. We had it on the upstairs tv.

[Alex]

You just had it.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You can see a tit, like every, like, four minutes, like, kind.

[Alex]

Well, the trick was to go up and down a channel a bunch and you catch it for a second.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Wow, we gotta try that, dude.

[Alex]

I knew that from friends houses because I didn't have cable, which would have been a good reason to bust into someone's home to record a four hour block. Four hours? They just dicked around for four hours waiting for it to record.

[David Tell]

I don't know. It's not me.

[Alex]

Yeah, it is.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It's Lewis. It's Lewis Januszka.

[Audience Member]

Yeah.

[David Tell]

Is it you?

[Audience Member]

What do you mean, is it me?

[Alex]

What do you mean? What does that even mean?

[Audience Member]

Yeah, like, you're not asking any questions. You're just asking if that's straight up.

[David Tell]

As if it's you.

[Audience Member]

Like I'm supposed to say, why would.

[David Tell]

You give me a straight answer what.

[Audience Member]

I'm not supposed to answer? That's part of the game, dummy.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[David Tell]

Ooh, we got me. Put a finger on my ass.

[Alex]

I'm getting mad, man. Somebody wants this book. Alongside his companions, Jonas embarks on a journey that explores friendship, resourcefulness, and resistance as they navigate threats from both the. Oh, I said that already. And human facts.

[Audience Member]

You, isn't it?

[David Tell]

I think it's you.

[Audience Member]

I think it's you, isn't it?

[David Tell]

I think it's you.

[Audience Member]

I think it's you.

[David Tell]

I think it's. Y A N for Negro.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yes.

[David Tell]

Yanush.

[Alex]

Why do I always lose my thing?

[Audience Member]

Somebody who's doing a four hour block of the Playboy Channel is getting no girls at that age.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Wow. So mean at that age.

[David Tell]

Who is getting girls when they were a child, Yanis?

[Giannis Pappas]

Really?

[David Tell]

Just banging girls in the house in.

[Alex]

Miami, back in the old country, back.

[Audience Member]

When I was younger, my.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You were 12?

[Audience Member]

No, when I was younger, my eyes, like, were more separated and I was actually hot.

[Alex]

And then as I aged, philosopher you on a mountain.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

The gravity of my nose just pulled my eyes into the center of my face.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Audience Member]

But that was my time. That was my era. Playboy Channel. I had no need for it.

[Giannis Pappas]

Okay. I still think it's you.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

So you got. When you were 12?

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You're molested.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was she was a nice lady.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's cool.

[Audience Member]

Yeah.

[Alex]

Two 12 year olds. If two 12 year olds fuck one of them is fucked up, talk the other one into it.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

When I was that age and I, like, before I even had a sniff of pussy, I would say despicable things about women. I'd be like, I would that in the ass. And I, like, didn't even know what that meant.

[Alex]

Then you found out it was like.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Another kid in sixth grade.

[Audience Member]

I have no idea who.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

This is why no one laughed at that. I thought. I thought it was pretty funny.

[David Tell]

We all just moved on and listened to Giannis's internal thought.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I don't say it anymore.

[Audience Member]

Jade, you. Do you like the Playboy channel?

[Alex]

No. No, it was too soft.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

It's too soft for you.

[David Tell]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

He's a hardcore guy.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[David Tell]

I feel like it's not.

[Alex]

By the time I would give a. About Playboy Channel, I would have had a little stack of porn tapes that I wouldn't have wasted my time with watching a girl glisten up her own tits. I want to watch someone get. I want to see an Asian girl get attacked by two men, but she's trying to sell a vacation.

[Audience Member]

But you are in the burglary. It's a pattern.

[Alex]

You do burg.

[Audience Member]

You do burglarize.

[David Tell]

God damn it.

[Alex]

I will not be honest.

[David Tell]

I'm so pissed.

[Alex]

It is Giannis. He's playing the game wonderful me right now.

[David Tell]

No, he's playing it terribly. He already voted or there's nobody else to vote.

[Audience Member]

I'm the only one who hasn't voted.

[David Tell]

But he's the only one who hasn't voted, so why would he be doing all this? You can't change it, Adam.

[Audience Member]

Oh, Louis. Did you have friends who went on vacation?

[David Tell]

I mean, honestly.

[Audience Member]

Yeah.

[David Tell]

No. My block was all white trash people. Vacation was in Atlantic City. That was the best.

[Alex]

I didn't know people took vacation. Yeah, I don't know vacations. I was like, ocean City, you'd go for a weekend.

[David Tell]

Jay's offering that information for no reason. Jay put in two stories about breaking into a house for porn.

[Alex]

There might be three. You could say I never learned.

[Giannis Pappas]

Wow.

[Audience Member]

It's Lewis.

[Alex]

I think it's.

[David Tell]

You're a fool.

[Audience Member]

Give me that double point, too.

[Alex]

I've argued it well passed. It's too late to. You're an idiot for thinking it's me. Go ahead.

[David Tell]

Go ahead. Alex.

[Adam Friedland]

That was Lewis. Ch.

[Audience Member]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yes, no, obvious. Yes, obvious.

[Giannis Pappas]

Oh, my God. I was trying to go against the racial stereotype. What was I Thinking, yeah.

[David Tell]

So my. My across the street neighbor, Ryan Nolan. Oh, whoops. There we go. Oh, thank you. My neighbor, Ryan Nolan, his family would go to Florida every year and he had. It wasn't the scramble tv, they had a scrambler. Alex, you. You read it wrong. It was a scrambler. So they, they, you know, they open. It was free, did all the pay per views. They had all the Playboy channel.

[Giannis Pappas]

We knew that.

[David Tell]

Yeah, we knew that. So we, me and my other friend broke into his house, we went through his basement, and we put in a four hour tape to his VCR and just recorded it. And then we came back and picked it up the next day and we had the golden tape.

[Alex]

It's so funny.

[David Tell]

You were like 10 years old.

[Alex]

I know. And you're like so excited to go and it's like you're telling both each other. He goes, we're gonna jerk off to this thing we did together. We work together to achieve orgasms with each other.

[David Tell]

Yeah, we also. That same. That same vacation we had then a grapevine in their backyard. This was like the wannabe rich kid in the neighborhood. And he had a grapevine his backyard. And we ate all the grapes off their vine.

[Alex]

Wow, he deserved it.

[David Tell]

Growing a grapevine grapes over jerking off together. We were like the Greeks.

[Alex]

You feed each other grapes?

[Audience Member]

Yes.

[Alex]

Smack it. Smack it while I feed you grapes.

[Audience Member]

Yeah. Yeah.

[David Tell]

God damn it. I wish I pulled more people, more scores.

[Audience Member]

Yeah.

[Adam Friedland]

All right. On the scoreboard, with eight points each, I have Adam, Giannis and Dave.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

This is a disaster.

[Adam Friedland]

With 10 points, Big J and Lewis.

[Giannis Pappas]

Oh, no.

[David Tell]

Story warriors unite.

[Alex]

Alex, why are you saying it was such sadness in your heart?

[Adam Friedland]

No, I'm excited for you guys.

[Alex]

Wow, that didn't sound real at all.

[David Tell]

Alex, you say like a black person.

[Alex]

Are you mad at us?

[David Tell]

Yo, I'm excited for you.

[Alex]

No, no. Good. Good for y'all. Good for y'alls. Good for yalls. Damns, yalls.

[David Tell]

Guys, let's take a quick moment and thank one of our incredible sponsors, which is Turtle Beach. Come on, guys. We love Turtle Beach.

[Alex]

Thank you. Turtle Beach.

[David Tell]

Incredible product. If you're a gamer or not. If you just want some amazing headphones, they have that for you. Genuinely the best hardware in gaming. I know. Jay, you gave your family Turtle beach hardware.

[Alex]

Your entire family. Two gamers in the family who were pretty stoked to get these. I'm unaware of this kind of stuff, but when I gave it to them, they were very, very excited, which is a big deal. They said it's the best in the biz.

[David Tell]

Yeah, I love the. I got. They gave us the Stealth 700 headset which has an 80 hour battery life with a quick charge so you rarely have to think about charging it. It's got an incredible microphone. It's podcast quad. When you guys hear us through the Friday night. Hang on, Legion of Skanks. I very often have been using those headphones. The microphone is absolutely incredible. It's the industry's first ever crossplay dual wireless transmitter system. That means you could seamlessly switch between your consoles and PC with just a click of a button.

[Alex]

Shut right the fuck up.

[David Tell]

Swear to God.

[Alex]

Right now you can get the ultimate immersive gaming experience experience with Turtle beach today for a limited time only. If you go to turtlebeach.com and use the code Wars W A R Z because we're cool.

[David Tell]

Hell yeah.

[Alex]

You get 10 off your entire order. That's 10 [e-mail] with promo code Wars. Do not delay. Get that perfect gift now or something for yourself.

[David Tell]

And they don't just have headsets by the way. They have a lot of stuff. So yeah, check out their entire line of products. 10 off your whole order.

[Alex]

Turtlebeach.com everybody check them out. Let's get back to it. Alex. Next story up in this.

[Adam Friedland]

Story, number six. At summer camp, my friend told me he had to masturbate and asked me to leave the room. Unfortunately, he left a window open. When I told my friends about it and we pulled open the curtain, he spun and fell and landed on his penis, bending it in half.

[Alex]

It's called Peyronie's disease.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's brutal.

[Alex]

That's called Peyronie's. It's a real affliction. Yeah, sounds horrible.

[David Tell]

Can I just say, pretty gay. Whose ever story this was. I don't want to be hateful, but what a fucking bunch of quibos. Let the man masturbate in silence.

[Alex]

Well, I.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Kids are pretty cruel.

[Alex]

God bless. The. The point where you're like, hey, it's like they don't make an excuse. He goes, hey man, I need to jerk off so you got to give me a little bit. Is pretty fucking wacky.

[David Tell]

Wacky. I get it.

[Alex]

I don't know. I'm trying to. Look whose face here lives with the guilt of breaking a man's penis forever because he still deals with that today. If he hasn't killed himself from a fucking. Having a cock with an elbow.

[Audience Member]

I don't. I didn't have the type of friends that would have asked me to leave the Room. They would have said stay.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, that's true.

[Alex]

Greeks.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It can't be Louis either, right?

[David Tell]

I would. I jerk off my pretty terrible.

[Alex]

Well, here's.

[David Tell]

I did have jerk parties at that age, like, regularly.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[David Tell]

And I would always suggest that I was like, guys, we should just jerk off.

[Alex]

But here's my argument, too, is this is away summer camp, which was not. Now we're getting into.

[David Tell]

What if it was day camp just in the afternoon.

[Alex]

Hey, leave the room. Like, what room? We're not staying here. And he goes, leave the cafeteria. I have to masturbate. Get out of the arch butchery shed. No, I assume this was like, your cabin. And I didn't go to camps like that. For sure. That's not the kind of Jewish I was. Yeah, maybe it was the Adam or Dave type. Jewish.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I was in Dachau, actually.

[Alex]

Yeah. Well, if there's any place you got to masturbate right, to get through the day.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

We love camp.

[David Tell]

Adam, did you go to a sleepaway camp when you were younger?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

No, I didn't, actually. Yeah, I was getting. When I was 12, actually. Why are you asking me questions?

[Alex]

Why would you go away?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Why do you want to know about me when I was a kid? Actually. Pedophile. I would never go to camp after what those Nazis did.

[David Tell]

That's true.

[Alex]

That's fair.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

My parents are like, get on this train and go to. Not. Not fool me once.

[Alex]

Next time it is on you.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[David Tell]

Giannis, did you go to a. To a Sleep awake?

[Audience Member]

Yes, I did.

[David Tell]

You did? Yes, I did, Januszka.

[Audience Member]

Yes, I did. Louis.

[David Tell]

You went to a sleepaway campus?

[Audience Member]

I went to a sleepaway camp.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Let's be honest.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, I've been to sleepaway camp. Yes, I have. I'm gonna put a. I went to basketball camp as well. That was a sleepaway camp as well.

[Alex]

I'm gonna go as far as basketball. This is the sweet darkness that grows and fuels the genius that is David Tell. Oh, he lives with the guilt of breaking a man's penis. And he's writing jokes. He's always trying. Well, hold on. He's trying to joke his way away from it. As long as far as he can.

[Giannis Pappas]

Hold. Hold the phone here. I went to boy Scout camp, and if a man broke his penis, we'd fix it.

[Alex]

First aid.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. Get a tourniquet on that shaft.

[David Tell]

Breathe, breathe.

[Giannis Pappas]

No man left behind. We would have fireman carried him to the first aid station. I got a man with a broke putter to here.

[Alex]

That's the oath, right? Yeah, that Is the oath. Oh.

[David Tell]

Oh, this is a tough one. This is a tough story.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Honest, dude.

[David Tell]

This whole side. This whole side of the table.

[Alex]

It could be that whole side of the table. I'm certain. Only it's not me or Lewis.

[David Tell]

I know Jay did not go to sleepaway camp. He knows.

[Alex]

I would have cried. I would have cried for my mom.

[David Tell]

I would have cried for that guy's penis.

[Alex]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me watch.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It's a really terrible thing to do to another kid.

[Audience Member]

Adam. It was Adam.

[David Tell]

All right, I'm gonna give you my reasoning that I think it's Adam, and this is just me playing the game on a different level. Adam wrote a very long, wordy story for the last one. It's another long, wordy story. I think this is an Adam story.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

All right, Yanis, tell us about it.

[Audience Member]

You guys should have picked Alex.

[Alex]

Everyone's in.

[Adam Friedland]

That was Adam's story.

[David Tell]

O. Adam, what did you leave out of this great story?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

What I left out was that it wasn't a summer camp. It was in Zionist Israel.

[Alex]

Oh. Oh.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

But my friend, actually, I. Alex makes some creative changes. I told some. I told some. I told this story on a podcast once, and my friend. This guy's wife heard it, and she. She was none too enthused. But my friend had a massive chest concavity, and we went to the Dead Sea to, like, go float on the water, and he didn't like taking his shirt off. So he's like, I'm gonna go to the gift shop and get a hookah. And then we got back on the bus, and he was like, it's. This is one of the funniest things I've ever heard someone say. He said, they don't card for porn. And he had. They don't card for porn. We were, like, 15. Yeah. And so he was like. We got. We got to, like, where we were saying, he's like, I've been in this country for 15 days. I haven't jacked off. I got this porn. Let me jack off. I didn't have a jack off. And then. So I left. And then I. I saw some friends, and I realized that the curtains were closed and the window was open. I was like, oh, Tommy's jacking off in there. And what actually happened?

[Alex]

He was.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

But he was ass naked, only socks. He was flat on the bed, and he had his in one hand and a pornography in the other hand. A magazine. And when he saw us, he, like, did a double take, and then his body literally, like, levitated and landed Just cock into the mattress. And it was the most brutal shriek of pain I've ever. Like, birds flapped away and shit. It was terrible. And people like. He was crying. He was, like, crying because he bit his. He bit his cock. And then he saw me. He was like, I'm going to kill you. I'm going to kill. And then.

[Alex]

Actually, not with that bent dick you ain't.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

The epilogue of the story is even funnier because there was this girl on the trip that I was. I thought I could have sex with. I wanted to have sex. And so, like, a week later, I'm like, yo, sneak into my room tonight and maybe we can, you know, fool around, you know, because I'd never had sex before, but, like, I'd have to go to, like, a Jewish. Because in general population, no one wanted. I had to. I had to go to Jewish summer camp and just have other monsters, like, jack me off and stuff. Just other. Just unfuckable girls from New Jersey. But I was like, anyway, I'm getting carried away. So just. I'm getting carried away. So wait, wait, wait. So I. Like, I was sleeping and I felt like this girl straddle me, and I started, like, grabbing her ass, and I'm like, oh. And then I open my eyes and I just see Tommy with a pillow. And he's holding a pillow. He's like, adam fucking Friedland, you betrayed my trust. I trusted you, and I've injured my penis. Now, if you ever betray me again, I will kill you. I will go to jail for the rest of my life and I will kill you. And he just rolled off me and he walked out of the room.

[David Tell]

That really true?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah. I swear to God.

[David Tell]

That's insane.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

He became a street magician later on in life. Yeah.

[Alex]

Oh, yeah, with the bent dick. That's one of my best right there.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

He's one of my best friends. I love him so much. But, yeah, I. I've. I've explained. This is one of the worst things we ever did. Kids are cruel. Why are you looking at me like.

[Alex]

But you said he broke his dick. Is it broken? It is, like, bent now.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I don't know. You put a popsicle stick and tie it. He's fine.

[Alex]

He's fine.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Whatever he is.

[Alex]

I don't know if that's called a splint.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, yeah. For those of you fine scout.

[Alex]

I don't know if that Bugs Bunny logic is going to work out in real life.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I adore the guy.

[David Tell]

Alex, where are our points at?

[Alex]

There's some shift in there.

[Adam Friedland]

Yeah, no, that was on the scoreboard. I have David Tell with 8 points, Big J. Okerson with 10 points. Adam and Giannis tied with 12 points each. Louis J. Gomez in the lead with 14 points.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Points.

[David Tell]

I have 13 story wars.

[Audience Member]

Believe it.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You win every time. I have 13 at your own show.

[David Tell]

13 episodes. Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

He's cheating. Obviously he's not cheating.

[Alex]

You must.

[Giannis Pappas]

You must really love that book.

[Alex]

Well, come on, who doesn't? Eberhart blends action with thought provoking commentary on survival and human resilience, making Rat Boys a compelling read for fans of dystopian adventures.

[Giannis Pappas]

It's a hard word to say.

[David Tell]

We got two more stories.

[Alex]

Alex, story number seven.

[Adam Friedland]

Story number seven. I found a broken vibrator on the street.

[David Tell]

What?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Guilty. That's the whole story.

[Alex]

Well, the question would be, how do you know it's broken? Yeah.

[David Tell]

Unless you picked it up, like, tried to turn it on.

[Alex]

If you said a broken dildo, I don't ask questions. Broken vibrator means you twisted it or did whatever you have to do, squeeze the balls or whatever.

[Giannis Pappas]

But the way it's. The way it reads, it's like. It's like they're proud. Like, I found a broken vibrator on the street. This treasure hunt is awesome.

[Alex]

A broken.

[David Tell]

Yeah, you literally have to pick it up and fucking turn it in your ass. Yeah, put it in your ass. Not working. Farted out.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

This vibrator is.

[Alex]

And by the way, you're right, because the word found implies, like, saw a broken vibrator on the street implies you walk by and like, oh, broken. But found it means, like, you then brought it with you to somewhere else. Look what I found. You don't find it unless you inform someone you found it. Hmm.

[Audience Member]

So you're saying. Who would make that announcement?

[Alex]

Yeah, I would. Yeah, I'd be like, guys, look at this. Was on the street. You guys want to take turns smelling it? Well, someone broke it. You know what I mean?

[Giannis Pappas]

I'm gonna say Louis, just because he's so quiet over there.

[Alex]

Yeah, he is so quiet.

[David Tell]

Well, you don't know if it's broken or if the battery was dead. Dave, don't be that way.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Good point.

[Alex]

Yeah, you try.

[Giannis Pappas]

Why don't you just tell the story then?

[Alex]

Yeah, he went on Amazon and got the charger that comes with, but nothing.

[David Tell]

Let's see this.

[Audience Member]

Who would pick up a vibrator? Touch it.

[David Tell]

Jay. Jay's a little bit. I mean, Jay does have Jay. If Jay had full gloves without the fingers missing, I would say maybe Jay.

[Alex]

But I could hold a vibrator. Like, hey, guys, look. I found a broken vibrator. By the way, isn't a tiny bottle of Diet Coke just a broken vibrator?

[David Tell]

It really is. Really? Anything that shape is a broken.

[Alex]

Hey, guys, look. A broken vibrator. And. Oh, two broken vibrators.

[Audience Member]

This is a very Vegas type of thing to fight on the street.

[David Tell]

Yeah, yeah, but if this was an Adam story, It would be 10 paragraphs.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, and I hurt my feelings. And the.

[Alex]

Yeah, but also, maybe he did a couple of longies and then just had a little banger.

[David Tell]

Yeah, yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Like a curveball. The Jewish trick.

[Alex]

You grew up in Vegas.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Alex]

That is a very Mr. Vibrator Las Vegas.

[David Tell]

Yeah, but so is New York. New York is broken vibrator.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's true. Yeah.

[Audience Member]

Yeah. It could be any of us.

[Alex]

When it's gonna happen yesterday. Yeah.

[David Tell]

Who would. Who would. They literally had to test the vibrator. So who is that depraved?

[Alex]

I don't.

[Giannis Pappas]

I'm saying you and you and you. That's what I'm saying.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I. I know why I said. But I think I know.

[David Tell]

Why do you think it's Dave? Adam.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Because just look at the word economy. How perfect that sentence is. It's the markings of a genius. I found a broken vibrator on the street. It's beautiful.

[David Tell]

Dave, can you read that for us? I want to hear it in your voice. Is that possible?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It sounds so good. I'm sure.

[Giannis Pappas]

I. Sorry. Assuming my RFK junior There. Well, I almost sitting first. I found a broken vitamin street.

[David Tell]

I think Adam might be right. I'm gonna. I'm voting Davel on this one. I got a feeling Dave was doing it. He was on Insomniac. He needed a moment.

[Audience Member]

Nobody's even gonna. Nobody's even gonna think it was Jay. Not even. Not even question if it's Jay.

[David Tell]

I don't think Jay would pick up a vibrator to see if it's broken.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Maybe my parents bought me a vibrator. I didn't need to get one.

[Alex]

That's good.

[David Tell]

I wasn't poor for my bar mitzvah.

[Alex]

Yeah. Yeah. I had to find my porn. I steal my porn and get my vibrators off the streets.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Peasants.

[Alex]

But it's how I learned how to use a soldering iron. I just used it.

[Audience Member]

Were you ever looking for vibrators or anything?

[Alex]

I'm never not looking for them. Like, I'm never on the hunt for vibrators, but I always got my eye open in case one cat you know, catches me. Yeah, I'll pop into a Spencer's when I'm at a mall. You know what I mean? Take a look at what the new technology is. What? I could her ass from my phone.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, I'm just trying to figure out the emotion in the sentence because I know it wasn't neutral. Either someone was repulsed or they were very excited that they found.

[Alex]

I feel like it's excited.

[David Tell]

Well, ther is my favorite vibrator.

[Alex]

I believe Dave when he yelled it out, Eureka. I found the vibrator on the street. I believe that more than the second one. And I'm going with David. Tell.

[Audience Member]

Everyone's going with Dave. Everyone's going with Dave.

[Alex]

You could really steal some points if it's not.

[Audience Member]

I know. That's what I'm thinking. But then I could also lose points if it is Dave.

[Alex]

But you've already gotten so many points if it's you just playing all possibilities.

[Audience Member]

It's either Jay or Dave. I think I'm just going to cave into peer pressure and go with Dave.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Copy.

[Audience Member]

Because if we're. Because then we're all wrong. So that's fine.

[Alex]

He's playing the numbers game. We're all in. Alex.

[Adam Friedland]

You guys are correct. That was David.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, my God.

[Giannis Pappas]

You know what? First of all, when you're the guy on the panel who looks homeless, I assume everyone thinks something on the street, oh, he did it. I'll give you the backstory. You know. No, it was not like, the batteries are dead. It was smashed. Someone smashed that vibrator. And I was like, who did that?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Like.

[Alex]

Spike to the ground.

[Giannis Pappas]

I don't know if they broke it with a Bible or something, but I was like, I better get out of here before she's hungry again. She's got a steel trap down there.

[Alex]

Here in New York, I assume.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, in New York. And I bet you there's some ladies in the crowd who can back me up. Those old ones, you know what I'm saying? Not the best quality, am I right? Yeah. Not like today with all the fancy, the fanciness, you know, the dudes.

[Alex]

Yeah, you should just be a little turn a thing at the bottom.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, that's right. Yeah, like a flashlight.

[David Tell]

What if she. What if she had such a good orgasm that she. Football spiked into the ground?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yes.

[David Tell]

Like she won a goal.

[Alex]

She goes, yeah, she got rid of it. It's like, if I can't have you, nobody can.

[Giannis Pappas]

But it was just out on the street and it was the wrong day for that, too.

[Alex]

What day was that to throw out vibrators.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, that's every other Thursday.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[David Tell]

Alex, where our points at on the scoreboard?

[Adam Friedland]

I have David Tell with eight points.

[Giannis Pappas]

God damn it. What happened to me?

[Adam Friedland]

Big J Okerson with 14 points.

[Alex]

Wow.

[Adam Friedland]

Adam and Giannis still tied with 16 points each.

[Alex]

Whoa.

[Adam Friedland]

And Lewis still in the lead with 18 points.

[Giannis Pappas]

There's, like, no way I can catch up now.

[David Tell]

Oh, you're coming home to me, Rat.

[Giannis Pappas]

Oh, my God.

[Alex]

Lewis wants Rat Boys so bad.

[Giannis Pappas]

Is there any way I can catch up or anything?

[Alex]

No. But I'll tell you what, Dave, you know what? You can play in this game.

[Giannis Pappas]

What?

[David Tell]

Giant Killer.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Alex]

Hey, well, you could somehow. You're the way you vote or the way this next round goes, you can be involved in fucking Louis over and making somebody else win.

[Giannis Pappas]

Oh, I'm into that.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. That's cool.

[David Tell]

Let's see. We have one more story, ladies and gentlemen. You ready for your final story? War story. Come on, folks. You having a good time? You having a good time? Come on, old people that didn't know why they were here. You having a good time?

[Alex]

He doesn't like you particularly, but he's enjoying the show.

[David Tell]

He does. Thank you, sir. Real quick, let's take a moment and thank one of our incredible sponsors, which is Via, who makes incredible gummies that have everything from cbd, cbn, they even have THC gummies as well. But you can get a variety of different gummies. And they also have other amazing supplements mixed in, like B12 and.

[Alex]

And.

[David Tell]

And Reishi mushrooms. And I take them to sleep. I think the Zen blend every night before I go to bed, now that.

[Alex]

I'm not smoking weed helped you out a lot.

[David Tell]

Oh, my God, dude. They put me right to bed. They feel so good. I also take the Focus blend as well. That has new nootropics in it as well. And truly an incredible product. I love via. Go to viahemp.com use that promo code wars with a Z for 15 off. If you're 21 plus. This is only for people. 21 plus plus you get a free gift of your choice, which is pretty amazing, you know? And make sure you tell them that you heard about them on the StoryWars podcast via hemp.com.

[Alex]

That'S via, everybody. Code wars for 15% off. Check it out right now.

[David Tell]

All right, where were we? Final story, Alex.

[Adam Friedland]

Story number eight. I ripped off six car mirrors driving a U Haul and I didn't stop.

[Audience Member]

We got Economy of words again.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's a great story.

[Audience Member]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

A u haul. 1995 a day, six car mirrors.

[Alex]

Lewis is a terrible driver. You're terrible.

[David Tell]

Say that to my face.

[Alex]

You're a really bad driver. You should have to take a test again. I don't know if you've ever moved yourself and taken a U Haul.

[Audience Member]

Was someone who moved. Moved here, Adam. From Vegas? Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I didn't move from Vegas.

[Alex]

Well, probably not a U Haul, either.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Alex]

I'm just gonna show them on a map.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's something you never see in Vegas.

[Audience Member]

Right?

[Giannis Pappas]

I'm moving to the big city. Wish me luck. Strippers and gamblers.

[Alex]

I know it's gonna be weird out.

[Giannis Pappas]

There, but I'll miss you the most. Tamara.

[David Tell]

This is like. This is very much like a young comic New York story.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I know.

[David Tell]

You know, you move your friends, everyone rents a U Haul. They have three of their comic friends do it for pizza. Nobody pays anybody to move them or.

[Alex]

Wait, Giannis, did you. Were you. I know a lot of comics at one point got into the moving business game. Some comics got into the moving biz for a bit.

[Audience Member]

Mike Racine is not here. That's not me.

[Alex]

I know you're not Mike Racine. Yeah, I'm aware that you're not Mike Racine, but I know Mike Racine did. And by the way.

[Audience Member]

Yeah.

[Alex]

In fairness, it's the only name that I can say too involved in these moving companies.

[Audience Member]

I can think of.

[Alex]

Yeah. Colin Terrell did it for a while, but I know. For a while. Yeah, it was like Covid stuff, too. Nothing was going on. People were doing moving shit.

[Audience Member]

No, I just lived at my mom's house.

[Alex]

Okay, but did she have a U Haul?

[Audience Member]

Nope. Okay, well, she had dementia.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's funny.

[Audience Member]

I feel so.

[Giannis Pappas]

So you moved her into her own home?

[Audience Member]

That's right. Yeah, I put her in the U Haul.

[Giannis Pappas]

We're here.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Drove around the block.

[Audience Member]

I was in such a hurry to get her out, I ripped off six car mirrors on the way to the home.

[David Tell]

Yeah, but very often, you. You have a friend who's got a license. He's the only one who can rent a U Haul. I'm leaning Giannis on this.

[Alex]

Well, here's the thing. He said economy of words first, which did make me go, oh, maybe it's Dave. But Dave is not. Yeah, he's not. I'm not saying he won't rip off six car mirrors. He's stopping.

[Giannis Pappas]

I would stop.

[Alex]

He stopped.

[Giannis Pappas]

I take this seriously.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Traffic.

[Giannis Pappas]

Traffic violation points on my license.

[Alex]

Adam. I don't know. Adam's like, guilt level of walking away from chaos. He's caused. I do know Lewis. This. Everything about this sounds like Lewis. I feel like I would know this.

[Audience Member]

This is Louis.

[David Tell]

And you think I'd brag about ripping off car mirrors a crime?

[Alex]

How you would have told us, Jay.

[Audience Member]

When you moved from Philly. How did you get here? Tell the truth.

[Alex]

No belongings.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You had no freight train.

[Alex]

Yeah, I had no belongings.

[David Tell]

He found a hill and he just rolled down.

[Alex]

I hooked up with my ex wife who had a couch already. Is it?

[Giannis Pappas]

I wonder if it's the big U haul or that tiny little one. I bet you it's the big one, huh?

[David Tell]

They're a to to navigate if you've ever tried to drive a U Haul.

[Alex]

Christ. Now I think it's Lewis. Cuz it does. He goes so bad too. They do suck. But I think maybe I'm gonna go. All right. I'm going gut.

[Audience Member]

Jay. Jay, you're fast. Hunted.

[Giannis Pappas]

I wonder if this is the real story or they just kind of like, I'm going, Jay.

[Alex]

I believe you go, Jay.

[Audience Member]

But Jay's controlling the conversation again.

[Alex]

Jay hasn't been involved in an accident since he was 17 years old.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, sure. No, yeah, okay.

[Giannis Pappas]

Jay.

[Audience Member]

Nice and defensive.

[Alex]

Yep.

[Audience Member]

Jay Okerson.

[Alex]

Came down.

[David Tell]

I'm going with my gut. Every time I trust my gut, it ends up being right. I'm going with Giannis Papas, young comic helping Nate Bargazzi move. He was doing Lisa in the front seat. He's like, that's it. He sort of crashing into cars.

[Alex]

That full character.

[Giannis Pappas]

Did he look like this? I'm going with Lewis all the way here. Yeah, and I like how you doctored this story from car mirrors when it was originally children.

[Alex]

Now go ahead.

[Giannis Pappas]

What a way to cover yourself, my friend.

[Alex]

Good, good cover. Final story. All answers are in Alex.

[Adam Friedland]

That was yawning.

[Audience Member]

Not again. God damn it. So that means Lewis wins again.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

His own game.

[David Tell]

I believe so. But you want to tell the story first, then we'll go over the points. What happened here? Who were you moving?

[Audience Member]

So I was moving back from college and we got back at like five in the morning and there was no spot, so I pulled it right in front of a johnny pump. What? She's a fire hydrant. Oh, yeah. Sorry.

[Alex]

What the.

[Giannis Pappas]

Is that where you tied your horse up? The Johnny Pump?

[Alex]

Is that what the greasers called it?

[Audience Member]

That's what the greasers called. Yeah, it was a Johnny Pop.

[David Tell]

That was the name of the broken vibrator.

[Alex]

Chili dogs outside the Tasty Freeze.

[Audience Member]

It was right outside.

[Giannis Pappas]

Was there a man on a giant wheel Bike going by a penny farthing.

[Audience Member]

It was next to the right in front of the Johnny Pup, next to the Petey Hole. And no. Yeah. So I woke up, I had to return the U Haul. And so I went out there. There was like 14 tickets on the thing. And then I didn't have a license and I didn't know how to drive at that time because I was a New Yorker. I never got a license. So I got in the car and I turned around his Brooklyn blocks, you know, and someone was double parked. So a guy like a construction guy was double parked. So his mirror was the first mirror I took off.

[Alex]

First one to go.

[Audience Member]

And he was.

[Alex]

That's the one you'll remember the most.

[Audience Member]

That's the one I remember the most is the first one. And he was not a small guy, so he was pissed. So I got scared and so I just started driving fast. And on the other side, by the.

[David Tell]

Way, driving a yule fast is still very slow. Yeah, he's running next to you.

[Alex]

Pinning it. 35.

[Audience Member]

He was running after me. He was fucking pissed. So on the other side, I took off six mirrors on the way down. And then I just was gassing it down and there was a stop sign there. I just closed my eyes and went through and then I lost them and I'm alive, but. Yeah.

[Alex]

That's wild.

[Audience Member]

Yeah. Wow.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Audience Member]

No damage to the U Haul. If you are going to take mirrors off, you want to do it in a fucking U Haul.

[Alex]

Those things are tanks.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, those things.

[Alex]

I was on the I remember drive was moving from Queens back and forth to Long island at one point. And it took a U Haul luckily because anticlimactic that there was no danger because it was. It was short enough to make the clearances. But you're not supposed to take those trucks on one of those parkway. I don't know, it's lie or the Grand Central. You're not supposed to take on and I mean car. This fear I had as cars were pulling next to me, they go, you gotta get off the thing.

[David Tell]

Your day's gonna smash the thing.

[Alex]

And all I'm picturing when he saying this, there's no exit before I see the next overpass. I think we're doing one of those, like you hit it and the thing goes up in the air. I was terrified. U Hauls, they're hard to drive because.

[Audience Member]

You'Re like in that bouncy seat, there's no shocks. No shocks. You're.

[Alex]

Leave it to the ethnics, you're all right.

[David Tell]

I mean the amount of times we. We've moved in U hauls, and literally, we're like three of the movers are in the back of the U haul with your furniture up.

[Alex]

Wow. Our final tally, Alex.

[Adam Friedland]

All right, final points on the board. With eight points, in fifth place, Dave Attell.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Adam Friedland]

Tied with 18 points each, big J Okerson and Giannis.

[David Tell]

Good showing, boys. Good showing.

[Giannis Pappas]

Color choice strong.

[Adam Friedland]

In second place, with 20 points, I have Adam Friedland.

[Giannis Pappas]

Wow, Adam.

[Adam Friedland]

Our winner tonight, Louis J. Gomez, pulling out 22 points.

[Giannis Pappas]

They have to do a final story.

[Alex]

The book stays here in the Story wars library.

[David Tell]

Guys, please sign it for me if you can.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I don't need rat boy. I've lived it.

[Alex]

Everybody, thank you for hanging out with us on Story Wars. Make some noise for our entire fucking panel. Here, the legend, David Tell, Giannis Pappas, Adam Friedland for the Story Warriors. I'm Big J Okerson.

[David Tell]

And I'm Louis J. Gomez.

[Alex]

Catch you guys next time. Good night. Thank you.