029. Sal Vulcano, Bonnie McFarlane, & Julian McCullough | Parenthood

Summary

Story Warz Episode 029: Sal Vulcano, Bonnie McFarlane & Julian McCullough | Parenthood

Release Date: February 21, 2025
Guests: Sal Vulcano, Bonnie McFarlane, Julian McCullough
Location: The Stand Comedy Club, New York City
Host: GaS Digital Network

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Introduction

In Episode 029 of Story Warz: A Game of Deceptive Storytelling, hosts Big J. Okerson and Lewis J. Gomez welcome a stellar panel of comedians and entertainers—Sal Vulcano, known for his role in Impractical Jokers, Bonnie McFarlane, celebrated for her work on The For Worst Podcast, and Julian McCullough, recognized from the Big Dumb Eyes Tour with Nate Bargazzi. The central theme for this episode is "Parenthood", challenging participants to share and decipher each other's personal stories with a comedic twist.

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Meet the Guests

Julian McCullough

Julian brings his sharp wit from the Big Dumb Eyes Tour, engaging the audience with his humorous take on family dynamics. Upon joining, Julian quips, "Get prepared to give me some of your food," setting a playful tone for the evening.

Bonnie McFarlane

Bonnie, dressed in a humorous Joe Rogan-inspired outfit, introduces herself with a straightforward, "I was just there," highlighting her no-nonsense comedic style.

Sal Vulcano

Sal, the face of Impractical Jokers, is introduced as the final contestant. His presence adds an element of unpredictability, especially with his in-depth comedic persona.

---

Understanding Story Warz

Big J. Okerson provides a succinct overview of the game's rules: each participant submits three to five stories on the designated topic—in this case, "Parenthood". Stories are read anonymously, and contestants must either disguise their own stories or correctly identify others'. Points are awarded for successfully deceiving peers and accurately guessing the origins of stories.

Big J. Okerson [03:41]: “Parenthood.”

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Round-by-Round Highlights

Story 1: The Dead Dog Prank

Story: A parent tells the family their dog was killed on April Fool's Day, only to reveal the truth by showing the deceased pet.

Discussion:

• Big J. immediately suspects Bonnie, citing his own late experience with dogs.
• Bonnie elaborates, "It was a German shepherd," adding depth to her story.

Bonnie McFarlane [11:41]: “No, it was dead. It was a German shepherd and...”

After a humorous exchange about the plausibility of such a prank, Alex confirms the story belongs to Bonnie McFarlane.

Story 2: Accompanying Parents on Dates

Story: A child is taken along on their parent's first dates, leading to awkward and comedic situations.

Discussion:

• Julian humorously attributes the story to himself, saying, "My mother was a prostitute."
• Big J. playfully questions, "Why are you dressed like Blade?"

Julian McCullough [46:17]: “My mother was a prostitute. She wouldn't bring me.”

Alex later reveals the story is Big J. Okerson's, solidifying his spot in the game.

Story 3: The Fake Principal Scare

Story: A parent hires an actor to impersonate a boarding school principal to discipline a misbehaving child.

Discussion:

• Lewis skeptically analyzes the complexity, suggesting it doesn’t align with his personal experiences.
• Sal injects humor by referencing famous actors, saying, “My step pop came when I was probably a big like 8 year old.”

Lewis J. Gomez [22:33]: “I can't see Lewis's mom paying someone to do something like that.”

Ultimately, Alex assigns the story to Sal Volcano, pushing him further ahead in the competition.

Story 4: The Elevator Escape

Story: A parent briefly leaves their child by an elevator, fearing the worst upon the child's return.

Discussion:

• Julian contemplates overstepping as a concerned parent, while Big J. accuses him of fabricating details.
• A banter ensues about the authenticity of the story and the use of the word "heart racing."

Julian McCullough [52:25]: “I was on the second floor and I was pretending to jerk off over the balcony...”

Alex confirms this story is Sal's, further cementing his dominance in the game.

Story 5: Simulating Masturbation in Public

Story: A teenager is accused of public indecency due to misunderstandings about simulated actions.

Discussion:

• Julian vehemently denies the actions, exposing his innocence.
• Big J. and Lewis humorously debate the likelihood of Julian being the culprit.

Big J. Okerson [46:50]: "I don't know if he knows how to use quotes like that."

Alex reveals the story belongs to Lewis J. Gomez, adding to his point tally.

Story 6: Always Carrying a Weapon

Story: Since becoming a parent, never leaving the house without a weapon.

Discussion:

• Bonnie and Julian humorously discuss the practicality and absurdity of the story.
• Sal's apprehensive behavior leads to playful intimidation among contestants.

Big J. Okerson [56:03]: “It's a taser.”

Alex assigns the story to Sal, maintaining his lead.

Story 7: Operation Pornography Room

Story: A child is put in a room filled with pornography by a babysitter, leading to familial conflicts.

Discussion:

• All participants debate the plausibility and assign the story to Big J., teasing him about his mother's questionable parenting choices.
• Bonnie confesses to exaggerating for comedic effect, focusing the storyline on exposing the game's deceptive nature.

Julian McCullough [68:16]: “I went with Julian. He makes this a good argument.”

Alex confirms the story belongs to Big J. Okerson, despite Bonnie's admission of embellishment.

Story 8: Delaying Hospital Visit

Story: A parent delays a hospital visit after their child breaks a foot, believing it to be an overreaction.

Discussion:

• Julian, Big J., and Lewis engage in a heated debate over the story's authenticity.
• Bonnie and Lewis ultimately deduce it belongs to Julian, who admits the mishap with mall antics involving simulated actions.

Julian McCullough [73:05]: “We went to the mall and I was pretending to jerk off over the balcony...”

Alex reveals the final story belongs to Bonnie McFarlane, concluding the game.

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Competition Progression and Sal's Dominance

Throughout the episode, Sal Volcano maintains a strong lead, correctly identifying and deceiving other contestants with ease. His strategic gameplay and sharp instincts set him apart, culminating in him being declared the "Story Warrior"—the episode's winner.

Big J. Okerson [72:49]: “Alex, Story number eight. My child broke their foot...”

Sal's consistent performance and quick thinking ensure he stays ahead, outpacing Lewis J. Gomez, Julian McCullough, and Bonnie McFarlane. His charismatic and competitive spirit adds a dynamic energy to the game, making for an engaging and entertaining episode.

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Notable Quotes

• Julian McCullough [03:42]: “Parenthood.”
• Bonnie McFarlane [11:41]: “No, it was dead. It was a German shepherd and...”
• Sal Volcano [22:44]: “I'm a story warrior, officially.”
• Big J. Okerson [46:50]: “I don't know if he knows how to use quotes like that.”

---

Conclusion

Episode 029 of Story Warz showcases a blend of sharp humor, strategic gameplay, and engaging storytelling among some of the biggest names in comedy. The competitive yet friendly banter between Big J. Okerson, Lewis J. Gomez, Sal Vulcano, Bonnie McFarlane, and Julian McCullough creates a lively atmosphere, culminating in Sal Volcano securing his spot as the reigning Story Warrior. Fans of the show can look forward to more hilarious and deceptive storytelling in future episodes, promising endless entertainment from The Stand Comedy Club.

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Stay Connected:
Follow Story Warz on GaS Digital Network for updates on upcoming shows, tours, and exclusive content. Don't miss out on more comedic genius and engaging storytelling battles every week!

Transcript

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Bombas makes the most comfortable socks, underwear and T shirts.

[Big J. Okerson]

Bombas are so absurdly comfortable, you may throw out all your other clothes.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Sorry, do we legally have to say that?

[Big J. Okerson]

No, this is just how I talk. And I really love my Bombas. They do feel that good.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

And they do good too. One item purchased equals one item donated.

[Big J. Okerson]

To feel good and do good, go to bombas.com wondry and use code wondry for 20% off your first purchase. That's B O M B-A-Com wondry and use code wondry at checkout. Fill her up. You're listening to the Cash Digital Network. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story wars with the Story Warriors, Big J. Okerson and Lewis J. Gomez. Oh, the dog pounds in full effect. What's up, everybody? Welcome to Story Wars. We are your Story Warriors. Big Jokerson, the Puerto Rican rattlesnake, Louis J. Gomez. Thank you all for being here.

[Julian McCullough]

That's right, front row. Get prepared to give me some of your food.

[Big J. Okerson]

That pepperoni pizza's calling you. I know it is.

[Julian McCullough]

Oh, I would just like some cheese and pepperoni off it. We'll get to it in a minute, though. Don't worry, boys. Enjoy it. It's got to congeal a little bit for me.

[Big J. Okerson]

We always like to ask this show, it's pretty young. Who here is familiar with Story Wars?

[Julian McCullough]

Clap your hands.

[Big J. Okerson]

How many people's first time hearing about Story Wars? That wasn't everybody.

[Julian McCullough]

It was a lot of people. But they were. They're not as pumped to not know about it. They're like, what the are we watching?

[Big J. Okerson]

Well, you're going to be in love with it very, very shortly. We have an amazing panel on the show today. We'll get them up here and then we'll explain the game to you. Everybody, our guests, in no particular order of importance, everyone, you know him from the Big Dumb Eyes tour with Nate Bargazzi. Everyone, how about it for the hilarious Julia McCullough?

[Julian McCullough]

Ye. Julian. Welcome to Story wars, my friend.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Thank you.

[Julian McCullough]

And your next. Yeah, of course, your next competitor from the for worst podcast. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Bonnie McFarland. Bonnie is dressed like Joe Rogan to.

[Bonnie McFarland]

I was just there.

[Big J. Okerson]

Thank you so much for being here. Our third and final contestant, everybody, you know him from a little new show over on True TV called the Impractical Jokers. How about it for the great Sal Volcano?

[Julian McCullough]

We have two returning Story Warrior competitors and we have one brand new one in Julian McCullough. Never played the game before.

[Big J. Okerson]

Julian. And we have found that even when we have multiple returning guests, no one seems to quite know or remember the rules. So it's okay. I ask you all, I beg of you all, pay attention when I say this so we don't have to fix it eight times during the show.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You guys know how this show works.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah. Julian, over here.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, sorry.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah. So Story Awards is a very, very simple game. All of us, all five people, including me and Lewis, have submitted three to five stories to our lovely producer Alex on one given topic. Tonight's topic, Louis.

[Julian McCullough]

Parenthood.

[Big J. Okerson]

Parenthood.

[Bonnie McFarland]

Excuse me.

[Big J. Okerson]

Alex is going to randomly read one story at a time. It'll pop up here on the screen for you. If it is your story, you're the only person who knows that. So it is your job to fool people to think it's not you. If it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it actually is.

[Julian McCullough]

For every person you fool, you get one point. Every time you guess a correct story, you get two points. Once you put your dry erase board in this little slot right here and take your hand away, that is your final answer. You cannot change it.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, we did it.

[Julian McCullough]

Very easy.

[Big J. Okerson]

A very solid explanation. Even that lady who's not clapping like this, she goes. That's a good explanation.

[Bonnie McFarland]

Are you allowed to vote for yourself?

[Julian McCullough]

No.

[Big J. Okerson]

If you never.

[Sal Volcano]

Wait, no.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

No.

[Bonnie McFarland]

Because the last time I played, if you waited it out long enough, you could vote for yourself.

[Julian McCullough]

Only assholes do that.

[Big J. Okerson]

But voting for yourself wouldn't really anything.

[Bonnie McFarland]

I'm just saying, technically, would you get the point?

[Big J. Okerson]

You wouldn't get the point. You don't get a point. No, it's just your way of saying, like, obviously, it was me and the game.

[Julian McCullough]

By the way, the game is fun. But we're not just playing for fun. Jay, tell them what we're playing for today.

[Big J. Okerson]

Today? Well, we're always playing for a book from our Story wars library. Today you came on a good night, everyone. Because you get. If you win, Eggplant and Emoji Forgasm Directors Uncut. It's the final installment in the Eggplant Emoji series, a literal journey dedicated to comedic prose fiction.

[Sal Volcano]

I want that book.

[Big J. Okerson]

You do want that book. You thought you didn't, but now you do. Now everybody understands the rules. Me and Lewis are playing.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Which volume is it?

[Big J. Okerson]

The latest edition.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Okay, good, good, good.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, yeah. So if you can do it chronologically, you'll be fine. Is everybody ready for war?

[Julian McCullough]

Right.

[Big J. Okerson]

Then, Alex. Story number one.

[Alex]

Story number one. One of my parents Told the family that our dog was run over and killed on April Fool's Day. We didn't believe it. They had to show us the dead dog.

[Big J. Okerson]

This sounds like Canadian logic. That's why I'm early saying Bonnie McFarlane on this one.

[Bonnie McFarland]

Well, it is well written.

[Julian McCullough]

So possibly my birthday is April Fool's Day.

[Big J. Okerson]

I know. So I think I would know if you had a dog killed on your birthday.

[Julian McCullough]

And also, my mother wasn't very clever. No, this is a clever mom right here. This is. I would say it could be Bonnie. Could be Julian. Julian's a clever dog.

[Big J. Okerson]

But wait, this isn't. This is. This. This happened. And then when she told everybody, no one believed. They go, oh, you're just lying to us. She'd be like, no, dummy, the dog is dead. I'm sorry. That's a dumb, made up holiday. Also.

[Bonnie McFarland]

You seem to know a lot about it.

[Big J. Okerson]

I do. Well, here's the other thing. Never had a dog until I was 45 years old. So that's not true. Oh, yeah. I guess. Also, in my 20s, you had a.

[Julian McCullough]

Dog for a little while that. That Nate Barghatti did he take ownership of.

[Big J. Okerson]

Not once. That never happened at all? Nope.

[Julian McCullough]

What happened to that dog that your daughter had that she hated?

[Big J. Okerson]

She didn't hate it. No one liked it. No one asked for a dog at that time. We were broke and the dog went to go live with my ex's mother.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

The dog was like, this place sucks.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, probably. And no one likes me here. And they get really mad if I eat their Xbox 360 cords right away.

[Sal Volcano]

Question.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah.

[Sal Volcano]

So Louis misunderstanding the entire thing. What, do we just effectively strike him from this one then?

[Big J. Okerson]

No, that could be his loop de loo. But I'm telling you, one of his parents. That again, Keep in mind, we should always say this to Alex. If there's things that make it obvious to who it is, Alex will tweak the words a little bit.

[Julian McCullough]

I think she. She did that a lot because my dad died when I was very young.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah. So one of my parents told.

[Bonnie McFarland]

So she changed dad to dog. Okay.

[Julian McCullough]

Because it was killed. He was run over by a car on April 4th.

[Big J. Okerson]

Lew. His birthday, which happens to fall. Wow. Shyamalan couldn't write that.

[Julian McCullough]

I don't believe it. My dad's still alive. They should hold up his birthday.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's my birthday. He wouldn't be murdered on my birthday.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I feel like. Are we allowed to deduct out loud? What?

[Julian McCullough]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's preferably. That's the Whole. The whole game, Julian, by the way.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It's the game. Right.

[Big J. Okerson]

But let me tell you, Julian, sometimes people don't get that. Last week was one of the weeks where we said the first question or first story and Alex read it and then the panel just went like this and started writing. No one talked it out at all. That's a fun podcast of the show. Yes.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

So I think that obviously this is a child who does not trust their own parents at a young age. Right. So even when they make something up about something as serious as the dog is dead, and at a young age, they're like, yeah, right. And then. And then they showed the kid the dog. So here's what I'm saying. All comics have like a little bit of dead inside. That's how we are comics. But Sal seems like a pretty, like. Like a. Like an almost, I'd say, well adjusted. Like a. Almost like a happy person.

[Big J. Okerson]

Fun loving.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah. And so. And you haven't had a dog. I would know this story about you.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Lewis is just too sad. If this happened to Lewis, also, this.

[Julian McCullough]

Is the least sad thing that would have ever happened in my childhood. My childhood was so. This would a bright day of my childhood.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

But it would be also in the lore of Lewis for sure. Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It was like, I don't have to share food with the dog anymore.

[Big J. Okerson]

Beautiful. Great. Now I get all the sugar smacks. Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, before we continue, by the way, everyone in the room should know that I know you guys forever. So if I say something really mean about them, we're friends. It's my first time on the show, but I can say whatever I want.

[Sal Volcano]

Ass.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Bonnie just met him, so I think it's Bonnie.

[Julian McCullough]

Well, here's the other thing. This also does seem like a.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Because Bonnie is so dry and sarcastic. This is the kind makes a kid like that.

[Julian McCullough]

Well, she's only dry because of her husband.

[Big J. Okerson]

That is true.

[Julian McCullough]

The other thing, this does seem like maybe the impractical joker's origin story. Right? Like your mom had a. An earpiece in her ear.

[Big J. Okerson]

Your dad was like, tell him the dog's dead. I'm sorry, but your dog is dead. No, show him the dog.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Show him the dog.

[Big J. Okerson]

Show them the fifth picture of the dead dog. Oh, my God.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Okay, that was too far. We're coming out.

[Big J. Okerson]

We're coming out.

[Julian McCullough]

Jelly roll is here to show you your do dead Post Malone, can you.

[Big J. Okerson]

Please bring in the dead dog? Okay, I. Yeah. This one, to me, this sounds. This sounds Canadian.

[Julian McCullough]

Do they celebrate? Do they celebrate April Fool's day in Canada. Or is it like.

[Bonnie McFarland]

I don't even know what it is, Honestly, April. What?

[Julian McCullough]

Well, now she sees what she's acting right now.

[Sal Volcano]

I didn't know what I was putting until you said that, so.

[Big J. Okerson]

God damn it, no one says that. What is tofu Bonnie Voss? Oh, Bonnie's getting.

[Julian McCullough]

I'm voting for. Oh, everyone's voting this now.

[Big J. Okerson]

I'll tell you how this game works. If it's not Bonnie, someone just wrecked shopping here.

[Julian McCullough]

It's either Bonnie or Sal.

[Sal Volcano]

One point per, right?

[Big J. Okerson]

One point per every person. Everyone's locked in.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, I didn't like that.

[Julian McCullough]

Yeah, I think Sal's counting his points right now.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Son of a. We're locked in.

[Big J. Okerson]

Oh, he's drinking right out of the bottle.

[Sal Volcano]

Water.

[Big J. Okerson]

Everyone's in.

[Alex]

Alex, that was Bonnie McFarlane.

[Julian McCullough]

Yes. So, Bonnie, is there any more to this story? What type of dog was it? How dead was it? Was it somewhat alive when they showed it to you?

[Bonnie McFarland]

No, it was dead. It was a German shepherd and.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh man, that's a big carcass.

[Julian McCullough]

Yeah, the bigger the dog, the better it is.

[Big J. Okerson]

That's substantial.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

They're like, both your parents had to bring it in.

[Big J. Okerson]

Look at it.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

The giant dog is dead.

[Julian McCullough]

How old were you, Bonnie?

[Bonnie McFarland]

I don't know. Maybe I think seven, something like that.

[Julian McCullough]

Oh my God. They had to show you a 7 year old the dead dog?

[Bonnie McFarland]

Yeah, because my sister and I just wouldn't believe. We were like, haha.

[Sal Volcano]

It could have just never came back.

[Big J. Okerson]

It could have just been like, look, you'll see tomorrow. They never had their sho. The grill goes, look, this is what life is about.

[Bonnie McFarland]

Yeah.

[Julian McCullough]

Or they could have done what most parents would do is like, oh, the dog's in a farm upstate somewhere where we were. Oh, yeah, you're in Canada.

[Big J. Okerson]

Is America's upstate farm.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah. They're like, he went to the city to follow his dreams with nothing but.

[Big J. Okerson]

A guitar and the clothes on his back.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Dude. We had a dog when I was six and it was the only dog we ever had. They brought my parents brought it home, and literally two days later, I got hit and killed by a car.

[Big J. Okerson]

That's not enough.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

And we never got another dog.

[Big J. Okerson]

But that's also not enough time for you to really like.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, I cried for like a week.

[Big J. Okerson]

Did you?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I was 6. It was a dog. I watched it get hit.

[Julian McCullough]

Well, you do fall in love with it. You.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I should have done that story.

[Julian McCullough]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

And that's what drove you to white supremacy.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Bonnie McFarland]

What if all these stories are about Dogs dying. It's a direct, everyone.

[Julian McCullough]

All right, Alex, where are our points at?

[Alex]

All right. On the scoreboard, I have everybody except Bonnie with two points and Bonnie with zero.

[Big J. Okerson]

Wow.

[Bonnie McFarland]

Now I'm gonna misspell stuff next time. I'm gonna remember.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, that could make it sound more like dumbasses like us.

[Julian McCullough]

All right, let's take a quick moment and thank Cornbread for supporting today's show. Not cornbread. The. The delicious, tasty bread. Jay. This is cornbread Hemp. They have amazing gummies that. That are genuinely just absolutely incredible. USDA certified organic. They are genuine, real thc, no synthetics. So a lot of people are trying to give up drinking. A lot of people even want to give up smoking weed while cornbread dummies have you covered, because they have them. It's real deal. It's legally shipped right to your door. It's 100 legal.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's also been helping Lewis fall asleep in life because you just recently stopped smoking weed.

[Julian McCullough]

Yeah, no, I saw that.

[Big J. Okerson]

Drinking.

[Julian McCullough]

They have the sleep gummies, which are incredible. They're 25 milligrams of CBD and 1 milligram of THC. Very, very low THC. But they also have one to one ratios of THC and CBD. There's a bunch of different products on the website, so if you want to get stoned, you got to get it from Cornbread. It's cornbreadhemp.com wars w a r Z and use the code wars. Guess what? You're gonna get 30 off your entire order up. I swear to God. 30% off. Get stoned. Be a little bit healthier. Cornbread hemp, they're the fucking best. All right, where were we?

[Big J. Okerson]

Alex? Story number two.

[Alex]

Story number two. I would accompany my mother on first dates when I was a child.

[Big J. Okerson]

Lewis.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I'm not, like, close now.

[Sal Volcano]

Not then.

[Julian McCullough]

My mother was a prostitute. She wouldn't bring me.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. First dates. There are only dates. There's no second dates.

[Julian McCullough]

Well, sometimes you get referrals.

[Big J. Okerson]

Oh, okay. Yeah. Hey, that was really good. Prostitution. I'd like to tell my friend about you. Do you have a card or something?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You ever just get, like, a gut reaction to something like you? Just like a psychic feeling? As soon as I read that, I was like, sale. I don't know.

[Big J. Okerson]

Why. Were your parents together?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Mine?

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Till I was. Wait. I want to make sure it doesn't ruin any of my other stories. Until I was 13.

[Julian McCullough]

Sal, were your parents together?

[Bonnie McFarland]

He said, by the way, did you hear that? So it doesn't ruin any of my other stories.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

She can't play anymore. I didn't know we were listening closely to each other.

[Big J. Okerson]

Sal, when'd your parents split? Split?

[Sal Volcano]

Four.

[Big J. Okerson]

When you were four.

[Julian McCullough]

A lot of people said it was your fault.

[Big J. Okerson]

Sources are saying my parents split when I was three.

[Sal Volcano]

It was my fault.

[Julian McCullough]

This could be a lot of people. It's not Bonnie, though. I think her parents are probably still together. If I had to guess, Canadians don't divorce.

[Bonnie McFarland]

There's. Yeah, you rule me out of this one.

[Sal Volcano]

She could have been a cheating.

[Julian McCullough]

That's also true.

[Sal Volcano]

Why are you ruling that out?

[Big J. Okerson]

Your mother's royal.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I could see that happening to Jay.

[Julian McCullough]

I could see this very much happening to Jay.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, this could very much have happened to Jay.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

I remember a few of my mom's boyfriends before step pop came along.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It would explain a lot.

[Julian McCullough]

But Jay was. Jay was a. Jay was a fat kid, so nobody's bringing him.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, well, this is when he started eating, obviously.

[Big J. Okerson]

And it's true. You don't want to show your fat kid. He goes, hey, I hope you got a job because we got to feed this. Yeah, my mom was young, so that would have been a lot.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

He just sat on first dates ordering two spaghetti.

[Big J. Okerson]

What, you want me to go to bed when we get bad?

[Julian McCullough]

13 is too old to accompany your parents or your mom on a first date, right?

[Big J. Okerson]

Is it?

[Sal Volcano]

No way. Why 13?

[Julian McCullough]

You know what's going on. You know that your mother's at that point. That's crazy.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Well, at 13, you're like, this guy's trying to finger my mom. Yeah, that's as far as you think it goes.

[Sal Volcano]

You should see what you think at 4.

[Big J. Okerson]

Company on first dates.

[Julian McCullough]

There's J. There's Jay's bad acting. Here we go. First date now.

[Big J. Okerson]

I was about to go on a first date. What child would I bring?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Jay, why aren't you in more stuff? You're such a good actor.

[Julian McCullough]

All right, I'm going to give my vote. I'm going to start the voting. Big J Okerson is my vote right now.

[Big J. Okerson]

You.

[Julian McCullough]

This sounds like a big J story through and through.

[Big J. Okerson]

When he jumps quick, though, Lewis will jump quick. When it's him now.

[Julian McCullough]

Now Jay's going to try to throw it on to me, but everyone's on to bj.

[Big J. Okerson]

Oh, really? S. Well, guess what? I think it's you. Yeah, you stupid ass.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Here's my. Here's my thing with this show, though, because you guys know each other so well. Why wouldn't one of you thinks the other one is the one. Why wouldn't we all just put that, like, I ruined it already, but you know what I'm saying, Like, if Lewis thinks it's you, it's you.

[Julian McCullough]

I will say that we've been wrong about. We've been wrong so many times.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Do you guys ever talk when you're not on this show?

[Julian McCullough]

We do not talk unless there's cameras and microphones. We monetize our friendship always. We have multiple podcasts per week together. There's no reason to share.

[Big J. Okerson]

I haven't seen a movie with this guy in 22 years. Yeah, all the answers are in. Everyone's locked in. Alex.

[Alex]

That was Big J Okerson.

[Sal Volcano]

Of course.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Dang it.

[Big J. Okerson]

Of course.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It was too obvious.

[Bonnie McFarland]

Yeah, I needed that.

[Julian McCullough]

Big J's mom was a whore.

[Big J. Okerson]

No, she was just. She was looking for a father for her fat son.

[Julian McCullough]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, but she made some weird choice. But she was young, but yeah, I remember the only one of the ones I remember.

[Sal Volcano]

How old. How old were you?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Like, how often did this happen?

[Big J. Okerson]

Handful of times.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's too many.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's too many. We one of them that we went.

[Sal Volcano]

To, like, mom, are we going on another one with this guy?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I liked them.

[Big J. Okerson]

We went to the Jersey State Fair. She was on a date with a guy who worked for her at. Now my mother, when I was young, got a job. I didn't realize why at the time. We were broke, so she got a job at the original. Used to be called Casual Male. Big and Tall.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

So she can clothe her fat son for free. And there was a guy who worked there with her, I guess, and she. He asked her on a date and we went to the Jersey State Fair and she brought me along.

[Julian McCullough]

How old were you?

[Big J. Okerson]

Maybe like six or seven or so.

[Julian McCullough]

You had a shop at Big and tall at 6?

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah. So maybe it was a little bit old. Yeah.

[Sal Volcano]

You know, I never thought.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

No, back then it was huskies, but.

[Big J. Okerson]

My step pop came when I was probably a big like 8 year old or something. Maybe. But like.

[Sal Volcano]

Yeah, I never thought of you as casual.

[Big J. Okerson]

This is a casual male.

[Julian McCullough]

They could have just gotten you regular.

[Big J. Okerson]

Adult clothes, you think, right? I think they were regular adult. Well, I think they were fat adult clothes. It was called Big and Tall. Children's biggest.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

The tag said right tackle positional mlb.

[Big J. Okerson]

What does that mean? Middle linebacker. And yeah, the guy I remember was wearing like a Corey Feldman style fedora and a scarf over a pushed up sleeves like blazer. Like he was doing. It was full like mid-80s, like trying to look cool for my mom. And I remember how. And he had like a tail. Like he had like a rat tail. So like that. Yeah, I was like. And he was just young, but I was, you know, my mom was young, but to me it just seemed like he. I still always viewed my mom as like my mom, even though she was 23 or something, you know, and so this guy was every bit 23. Yeah. She brought me along and she said because I did ask her, she didn't fuck that guy.

[Julian McCullough]

You asked her at six?

[Big J. Okerson]

No, no, no way. Later, when she would have told me. Although she still tells me she didn't get double teamed by those two guys in that picture of her in the Bahamas.

[Julian McCullough]

But we all know the truth.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, for sure. Those guys double railed my mom.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Did they get in touch with you?

[Big J. Okerson]

No, no, no.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Like how do you know?

[Julian McCullough]

No, they got in touch with his mom.

[Big J. Okerson]

She always had a casual picture in this thing of these two. When she went to the Bahamas, her and her friend Joanne, it's these pictures of two guys. They go, oh, these guys were great. We went back to the room and drank beers. They just hurt. Like on a bed with two guys. And like the guys like has like arms over her legs. The other guys behind her drinking beers and smiles. She goes, no, those guys were just nice. I'm like, yeah, I bet they fucked the out of you after this picture for sure. And she, she swears. No, but that one, I think she's lying. Yeah.

[Sal Volcano]

Why don't you get her on the show and on skanks and put her on the lie detector test.

[Julian McCullough]

That's a great idea.

[Big J. Okerson]

I would be happy to lie detect my.

[Julian McCullough]

Well, she, she did win the Hottest mom competition last year.

[Big J. Okerson]

She did.

[Julian McCullough]

Even though she was not even in the top eight hottest Moms. It was crazy.

[Big J. Okerson]

That's just you being sour.

[Julian McCullough]

No, you bullied. You bullied everyone into voting for your okay mother.

[Big J. Okerson]

Let's think about how Your mother died 15 years ago. Think of how ugly she is now.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh my gosh, she's just a skeleton.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah. Still wearing earrings. Yeah.

[Julian McCullough]

All right, Alex, story number three points.

[Big J. Okerson]

Points.

[Alex]

All right, round two scores. I have Julian and Bonnie with two points each, Big J with three points. And Lewis and Sal in the lead with four points each.

[Bonnie McFarland]

Still anybody's game? Come on.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I know.

[Julian McCullough]

Hell yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

Alex, story number three.

[Alex]

Story number three. One of my parents hired an actor to play a boarding school principal and set an appointment, a fake office in order to scare a younger relative with Being sent away if they kept misbehaving.

[Big J. Okerson]

What?

[Bonnie McFarland]

I need a documentary series.

[Julian McCullough]

Younger relative. All right. So Alex has changed the wording of everything.

[Bonnie McFarland]

How do you know?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Boarding school principal.

[Big J. Okerson]

Well, one of my parents. They're going to keep doing that when they're trying to make you sure you. It's not. Obviously, Louis.

[Julian McCullough]

It's not a dad and a younger relative. They know I don't have a younger sibling, so they change it to relative. Alex, can you make it. I mean, you might have just. Well written. Just not Louis on this one.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Well, you don't have cousins.

[Julian McCullough]

No, I have plenty of cousins.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Puerto Rican.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Julian McCullough]

And technically I do have a younger sibling. My father had a different relative, though.

[Big J. Okerson]

It does say relative. And he keeps pushing away. He kept saying sibling. Yeah, sibling. He's trying.

[Sal Volcano]

It says younger relative.

[Julian McCullough]

Well, all right, all right. I'm saying because I think that Alex didn't want to make it obvious by saying younger brother or sister, because everyone knows that I don't have a younger sister or brother, but I do.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

We also. We're focusing on the wrong thing. This is a diabolical parent. Like whoever is the most messed up on this panel is probably was your parent.

[Julian McCullough]

Dr. Evil.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

All right. This also, I have a little bit insight into salsa growing up over the years now. And you're. I know one of your parents for sure will go the mile to make a statement. You're. Yeah, for sure. I don't want to tell the story in case it's one of the. I hope it's not, but this sounds very sad. Sal's parents were. They'd go for. They'd go.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Were they theatrical?

[Big J. Okerson]

I feel like they were a little theatrical for sure.

[Sal Volcano]

I wouldn't. I mean, I personally wouldn't describe it.

[Big J. Okerson]

That way, but is the story of after school one of your stories right now? Sal's mother dressed up in full grease, paint, clown costume and outfit to meet him after school one day so his friends would think that he was cooler.

[Bonnie McFarland]

What?

[Sal Volcano]

It was really a one off.

[Big J. Okerson]

But it seems like it's also a one off.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

So we know she had her finger on the pulse of what's cool.

[Big J. Okerson]

The whole thing sounds like one big impractical joke.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It does. It sounds like an episode. Did. Did Al Alex mess up and watch an episode?

[Big J. Okerson]

It's a fake boarding room. You're pitching products.

[Bonnie McFarland]

But also there's money, like exchanging.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I can't see Lewis's mom paying someone to do something like that.

[Big J. Okerson]

This is too involved for Lewis's mom. She's junked out getting by people who.

[Bonnie McFarland]

Put a gun to someone's baby.

[Julian McCullough]

My mother got paid. Your mother was a whore just for the love of the game.

[Big J. Okerson]

She was trying to get Christmas into her fat Jewish son's life wife.

[Bonnie McFarland]

I don't think it's Jay.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

The point is. Yeah, Jay's mom would have just used a boyfriend. She wouldn't have hired someone, right?

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah.

[Julian McCullough]

One of her.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's so bad. I'm like. They were like, oh. I'm like. It seems like a pretty obvious move.

[Big J. Okerson]

I don't even know. Hiring an actor is what seems crazy.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Where do you. Even before Craigslist.

[Julian McCullough]

Staten Island. That's where you find an actor, right?

[Big J. Okerson]

Local playhouse theater. That s family was very involved in.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, I just realized something.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's you.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

The sutter fug. Yeah, the sutter fuge involved. Reminds me of a parent whose child would think that they would lie to them about killing the dog.

[Julian McCullough]

Oh, yeah, the. The sutter fuge.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Sutterfuge. Am I allowed to say sutterfuge on this show?

[Bonnie McFarland]

Listen, he's. He's gonna start sweating in a minute because he's like, oh, it's me. It's me.

[Big J. Okerson]

That's what it meant. I felt I got it contextually. I. Yeah, I accepted the word.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

I'm not. I'm not going to try to reuse it anytime soon.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You want to hear something crazy? The word has a b in it.

[Julian McCullough]

What?

[Big J. Okerson]

Say it again.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Subterfuge.

[Julian McCullough]

Subterfuge.

[Big J. Okerson]

S U B.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yes.

[Big J. Okerson]

Boom. Right there.

[Julian McCullough]

It's spelled on the screen.

[Big J. Okerson]

Look at that.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, there it is.

[Big J. Okerson]

I thought it's subterfuge.

[Sal Volcano]

That's how you say it.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Well, you should keep saying it like that.

[Big J. Okerson]

I. I think you're doing it wrong.

[Bonnie McFarland]

It's Julian.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I thought it was too subterfuge.

[Big J. Okerson]

That's always.

[Julian McCullough]

Hold on. Go to the phonetic. Go the phonetic.

[Sal Volcano]

I thought it was too.

[Big J. Okerson]

Now if you would have said subterfuge. I don't.

[Sal Volcano]

I've heard a lot of people use it that way.

[Julian McCullough]

Go down. It's subterfuge.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I've been saying it wrong.

[Julian McCullough]

Subterfuge, you jerk off.

[Big J. Okerson]

Julian, I love that we have on record you going. Can I use a word like that here? Guitar St. Great. What a beautiful 80s movie moment that was.

[Sal Volcano]

You took a real stance about it too.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Wait, wait, wait.

[Big J. Okerson]

Oh, hey. I don't know if any of you guys can hate it's not a beat.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

In it a second. Did they get this from dumb guy Internet though.

[Big J. Okerson]

They May have.

[Julian McCullough]

All right, it's either Julian or Sal.

[Bonnie McFarland]

Julian.

[Big J. Okerson]

Really? I. I agree. Julian or Sal. And I'm going to go first and say it's our old friend Sal.

[Julian McCullough]

Julian's face is red, but that's only because he just mispronounced that word.

[Big J. Okerson]

I know it's not subterfuge things, really.

[Julian McCullough]

Yeah, I've heard the word subterfuge. Subterfuge. I felt like an. I was like, subterfuge.

[Sal Volcano]

I. I mean, I felt dumb.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I'm like. I was like, did you know there's a B in that word that I'm mispronouncing? All right, I got a good joke.

[Julian McCullough]

It was a great joke.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

All right, I'll just. Okay.

[Sal Volcano]

Nobody heard it.

[Julian McCullough]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Because even though I think it's my heart says Bonnie, but my brain says Sal.

[Julian McCullough]

My penis says, who did you put? Sometimes I vote last. Eeny, meeny, miny, mo, Catch a tiger by the toe. If he hollers, let him go. My mother says, my mother. Oh, Julian. I'm going with Julian. He used the word, got all in his own head.

[Big J. Okerson]

He tried to throw us with subterfuge. Everyone's answers are in Alex.

[Alex]

That story belonged to Sal Volkano.

[Julian McCullough]

It's the cheese.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

By the way, once you told that clown story, it was obvious who would do something.

[Sal Volcano]

Well, my mom was a clown, but my dad's the one that did this, so.

[Big J. Okerson]

Really?

[Sal Volcano]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

Well, she's from a very theatrical family.

[Sal Volcano]

I don't know. I really don't think so.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

No, we're telling you, we're not asking.

[Big J. Okerson]

Hired an actor is pretty. Well, it was a friend of his.

[Sal Volcano]

Money.

[Big J. Okerson]

They threw it.

[Sal Volcano]

A friend of his is an actor. My friend of mine is an actor. He threw him some money to do it.

[Big J. Okerson]

Gotcha. But still, it's the whole thing, it's like, it's very involved.

[Julian McCullough]

Hold on.

[Sal Volcano]

Did it hold his friend and said.

[Big J. Okerson]

Do this to me?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Did it scare the kid?

[Sal Volcano]

Yeah.

[Julian McCullough]

What if it was a really famous Willem Dafoe?

[Big J. Okerson]

That man, a young Willem.

[Sal Volcano]

You may have heard of Sir Anthony Hopkins. He had to throw him something.

[Big J. Okerson]

Hannibal Lecter.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It was the principal from Ferris Bueller.

[Big J. Okerson]

And your dad just hired a friend actor.

[Sal Volcano]

My niece.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah.

[Sal Volcano]

She was getting out of line. Yeah, she was like. She was heading into high school, and he. They put a fake sign on the door and everything.

[Big J. Okerson]

Where was the fake office? I mean.

[Sal Volcano]

No, I think they went to the p. Like, the. Her school. Like, they went to her school and did it.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, my God.

[Sal Volcano]

Yeah. Wow.

[Big J. Okerson]

I know it was turned around immediately.

[Sal Volcano]

I don't recall the details of that, but I know that she, like.

[Big J. Okerson]

Is she aware now the whole thing was a ruse?

[Sal Volcano]

Yeah. She knows now.

[Julian McCullough]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

Okay.

[Sal Volcano]

Yeah. Because then, like, later, that guy was at like a family party.

[Big J. Okerson]

Oh, my God.

[Sal Volcano]

Was like, what is that about? Like, I. Luckily it was years later.

[Big J. Okerson]

That guy from boarding school that said I would be raped until I was right.

[Sal Volcano]

She's like, what is.

[Julian McCullough]

What is doing at this party?

[Sal Volcano]

She's like, why is the boarding school guy at Thanksgiving? I've been. I've been good for eight years.

[Big J. Okerson]

I didn't know. You know, Jason Biggs.

[Julian McCullough]

Also. Nobody wants to send a girl to boarding school. You're just going to send her to go get.

[Big J. Okerson]

No, dude, that's going to. They become lesbian. That's lesbian factor.

[Sal Volcano]

I think it was like, it was framed as like a, you know, a. You know, a ship up, shape up type of school.

[Big J. Okerson]

And she'd be a lesbian then.

[Sal Volcano]

That's up to her.

[Big J. Okerson]

Okay.

[Julian McCullough]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

All right, our scores. Alex.

[Alex]

On the scoreboard with two points, Bonnie McFarlane with four points each. Julian and Lewis with five points. Big J Okerson. And in the lead with six points, Sal Volcano.

[Big J. Okerson]

Just like that.

[Sal Volcano]

W. It's anybody's game. It's anybody's game.

[Big J. Okerson]

Oh, my God. Sal, before you try to lose your excitement, I want you to know that eggplant emoji forgasm. Director's Uncut is a comedic literary anthology featuring original short fiction from 13 authors.

[Julian McCullough]

I can't believe that we might lose this book from our library.

[Big J. Okerson]

Everything's on the line. Fine.

[Julian McCullough]

Jay, we gotta just talk about one of our best sponsors, which is Mando's Total Body Deodorant. I love Mando.

[Big J. Okerson]

Dude, my dick smells so good from this.

[Julian McCullough]

Let me smell it. Give me it.

[Big J. Okerson]

Go on. You like that?

[Julian McCullough]

Oh, my God, it smells delightful.

[Big J. Okerson]

No, but really, get in there.

[Julian McCullough]

Hold on. You know what, dude? My sense of smells a little off. Let me taste.

[Big J. Okerson]

Tastes like. It smells great.

[Julian McCullough]

Oh, my God. Tastes like a potpourri.

[Big J. Okerson]

Something Mando does not stand behind the fact that it tastes good.

[Julian McCullough]

It tastes delicious. I don't care what they say. It's Total Body Deodorant. Deodorant's not just for your armpits anymore. More. What are you guys, heathens from the 90s?

[Big J. Okerson]

This ain't your granddaddy's deodorant just for armpits.

[Julian McCullough]

They can put it on your. Your. Your grundle, your balls, your back, your. The back of your Neck. All of our fans are fat. So you guys have lots of folds with stinky areas.

[Big J. Okerson]

So many places can smell. But not anymore because we have a thing you can roll on between your fat folds.

[Julian McCullough]

They also have spray feel like at home.

[Big J. Okerson]

But later you're gonna thank yourself.

[Julian McCullough]

They got stick deodorant, spray deodorant. They have creams. They have so many different products. Really what I want to talk to you guys about is their starter pack. Their starter pack is perfect for everybody. It includes the solid stick deodorant. It includes a cream deodorant. Plus you get two product choices of your choice. So the mini body wash I recommend, and I highly recommend the deodorizing wipes.

[Big J. Okerson]

And I'm talking to you, our fattest of fans. It does not come with another person to hit your areas you can't reach with.

[Julian McCullough]

Oh, yeah, that's gonna be tough. You gotta figure it out.

[Big J. Okerson]

Your big fat, disgusting body. But if you could trust one friend to rub into all these humiliating places to lift up, someone would go, oh my God, that can fold over itself.

[Julian McCullough]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

And then you just go, yeah. Can you just roll it on, please?

[Julian McCullough]

They should, they should include like one of those elephant sticks that they use to wash elephants.

[Big J. Okerson]

Maybe that'll be in the starter pack. Moving forward. Who knows? Everybody. All I know is that if you go right now to shopmando.com shopmando.com youm're gonna get $5 off your starter pack. If you use the code right now. Wars with a Z at checkout, you're gonna get five DOL. Starter pack.

[Julian McCullough]

That's 40% off.

[Big J. Okerson]

40% off. Everybody. One more time. That's shopmando.com use the code wars with a Z at checkout. Five dollars off that starter pack. Let's have a confident, odor free 20, 25.

[Julian McCullough]

Hell yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

All right, where were we? Alex? Story number four.

[Alex]

Story number four. I left my three year old by the elevator for just a moment to check if I'd locked the door. But when I came back, my child was gone. Racing, I ran up and down four flights of stairs, checking every floor, dreading the worst. Finally, I found my baby grinning and stepping off of an elevator, about to board another, joyfully riding them like it was the best day ever.

[Julian McCullough]

Is this one of the short stories from this book?

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah. Can I vote for Mark Twain? That was best. Shit. Heart racing, there was a tepid energy in the room.

[Julian McCullough]

Now, everyone, everyone here is a parent and everyone here probably has lost their child at one point.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Right? Right, guys?

[Bonnie McFarland]

No.

[Big J. Okerson]

No, no.

[Julian McCullough]

I mean, I already think I know who it is, but I'll let you guys talk it out.

[Big J. Okerson]

I think you know who it is.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I've heard Jay say that his heart was racing in stories he's told before.

[Julian McCullough]

No, he just has an enlarged heart, so it's always racing.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Okay, that's true.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, yeah. No, any story where I gotta, like, go from a bottom floor to a top. Heart racing is in there, but I usually don't start it with a comma after it. Heart. Yeah. That would be redundant. Heart racing. I went into the living room to watch television. Hard racing. I got up to get some iced tea.

[Julian McCullough]

Yeah. This is an elevator. If it was I had to fly two flights of stairs, my. His heart would be racing.

[Big J. Okerson]

Heart racing.

[Julian McCullough]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

Four flights alone. I just give up on my child. Isabella. Isabella. This.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

We loved you.

[Big J. Okerson]

This could be this. This. Yeah, This.

[Julian McCullough]

I mean, just the writing style is just so different than everything else we've seen so far.

[Big J. Okerson]

Right.

[Julian McCullough]

And there's only one person who's never played the game before. I know. It just seems so obvious that it's. Jul.

[Big J. Okerson]

Does seem very joy.

[Julian McCullough]

He was like. He's like, I have to write a full short story.

[Alex]

Correct.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

We also should talk about how Alex might take literary freedoms with the things we send him.

[Big J. Okerson]

You think she.

[Sal Volcano]

Yeah, we could talk about that.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

You think she turned it into a beautiful.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

She added commas and whatnot. Maybe I.

[Big J. Okerson]

Now can I say. I don't want to put this out. I don't want to. I'd like to get the. The only one who gets points if I could. But I do have to say this could be Lewis. I guess you could say the same thing about me, but this could be Lewis writing this beautiful nolla to throw people off that. It's usually Lewis is kind of like. Just so you know, I punched a guy. This chick.

[Julian McCullough]

I mean, I'll tell you right now, if it was me.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Heart rate.

[Big J. Okerson]

Heart racing. Heart racing. Part racing. I punched a guy. Heart still racing. I took his lady for.

[Julian McCullough]

Do you really think that I have the attention span to write right?

[Bonnie McFarland]

You just talked about using Chat GPT for that other letter.

[Julian McCullough]

I did. I. I wrote. I wrote. I wrote a letter to the. The CEO of Equinox using Chat GPT to try to get my. To try to get my membership reinstated after being banned from the clubs.

[Bonnie McFarland]

So this could be Lewis.

[Sal Volcano]

Yeah. At this point, you don't play this game, this cunning. I'm not to believe that I'm very.

[Julian McCullough]

Good at the game. So There is a chance, yes, it could be me. But I will tell you right now, now it's Julian.

[Big J. Okerson]

He's trying to see you over there.

[Sal Volcano]

I thought it was Julian from the second it came up and so that's why I'm putting the fact that Jay's.

[Julian McCullough]

Voting for me though, makes me think it might be Jay.

[Big J. Okerson]

Do you. Stop trying to throw other people off from guessing you. It's you.

[Julian McCullough]

Oh, wait a minute.

[Big J. Okerson]

This could be J.

[Sal Volcano]

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

[Julian McCullough]

It makes no sense that Jay would put me because he knows it's not me. Me.

[Big J. Okerson]

I don't.

[Julian McCullough]

That's why I think it might be you.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, I didn't put mine in my thing yet. He's right.

[Big J. Okerson]

What?

[Sal Volcano]

Yeah, I don't know about that. That's. That's.

[Julian McCullough]

Now Julian's trying to me up right now cuz it's him.

[Big J. Okerson]

I'll be happy to be the only one. It might be Julian.

[Sal Volcano]

No, I'm stick.

[Big J. Okerson]

But I'm too late.

[Sal Volcano]

I'm lost. I'm sticking with you.

[Julian McCullough]

Don't think it's. I'm going with my instinct. Julian McCullough.

[Sal Volcano]

If it's Jay, I am impressed.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Jay started making fun of it right away.

[Big J. Okerson]

Chat GP J, Jay has turned a.

[Julian McCullough]

Corner in the strategy of this game. If this is Jay, we. We gotta all be on notice from now on.

[Big J. Okerson]

When it's Louis, you're gonna suck my dick.

[Julian McCullough]

If it's me, I will suck your dick on this stage.

[Sal Volcano]

Yeah, honestly, if it's Louis, he will suck your dick.

[Big J. Okerson]

Okay, Alex, if you're funny, you'll say it's Louis. And then right before my dick goes in his mouth, I'll be like, psy. The crowd's gonna be like this. Like, what's. Is this actually happening? They're like, no, April Fool's. Your dog.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Alex.

[Alex]

Sorry, Jay. That was Julian.

[Julian McCullough]

Yes. You really thought it was me?

[Big J. Okerson]

When? When someone Suggested that chat GBT wrote your story, you fed in this chat GBT. I thought that was a good thing. You love chatGPT.

[Julian McCullough]

I do love chat GPT.

[Big J. Okerson]

There was my best friend. There was logic to what I was doing.

[Julian McCullough]

What happened here, Julian, besides every detail you already shared with us?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah. I'll tell you what happened.

[Bonnie McFarland]

Not much more to unpack, I guess.

[Big J. Okerson]

It was night. That all happened at night.

[Sal Volcano]

I had that in there, but I wanted to edit it down a bit.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, what happened was I thought it was a story show, so I wrote a story. I forgot that it was all the kids that make Fun of kids for writing stories.

[Big J. Okerson]

Laid there worrying that my heart palpitations would awaken the beast.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Hopefully my centrifuge won't be noticed.

[Sal Volcano]

Or if it is, it's subtle. Yeah, I keep playing with the B sounds. I told you I felt dumb.

[Big J. Okerson]

God damn.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Well, well, my next two stories are longer, so this isn't good.

[Big J. Okerson]

Two screener at halftime of our game, what are the scores? Scores? Alex.

[Alex]

On the scoreboard with four points, Bonnie McFarlane with five points each. Big J and Julian with six points. Louis J. Gomez. And in the lead with eight points, Sal Volcano.

[Julian McCullough]

Sal Volcano taking the lead.

[Sal Volcano]

Anybody's game. It's anybody's game. Bonnie, I still. I still think you're in it as well.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, but according to his.

[Sal Volcano]

I have no. Many rounds. I have no idea how many rounds are.

[Bonnie McFarland]

It's gonna go to double points or something in some. Right?

[Big J. Okerson]

No.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Knowing his parents, he was born into this life. He knows how to play this game.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's very possible, you know, this. Halftime of the show, everybody. Let's go around, do some plugs. Everybody. Sal, Everybody.

[Sal Volcano]

I'm on tour right now. Sal volcano. Comedy.com for tickets is like 30 cities up, and I'm adding another 30 in a couple of weeks. And yeah, I'm starting a new podcast soon, but I'll. I was teaching tease that nice, exciting stuff. It's exciting stuff.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That. That sounds pretty cool. Except there's no such thing as 60 cities. Are we still playing the game, Bonnie?

[Big J. Okerson]

You idiots. Probably. There's 50 cities.

[Bonnie McFarland]

Follow me on Instagram Bonnie McFarlane.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

All right.

[Big J. Okerson]

All right, Julian.

[Julian McCullough]

I wish I was so cool to not care about porn. When it gets to me, I'm like, you want to see me here, Here, here, here?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I got to do my spots for the week. I'm. I'll be opening the whole tour with Nate Bargetzi on his new tour this year, Big Dumb Eyes Tour. It's arenas. It's like, whatever, dude.

[Big J. Okerson]

Who cares? Who doesn't matter.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It's just because there's not bigger buildings. Like, it's not because he wanted to do them.

[Big J. Okerson]

Look. Is the rush of the sound of 22,000 people laughing course through your body and make you feel alive? Little bit, I guess.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah. I mean, makes your heart race.

[Big J. Okerson]

BigJ.Comedy.com for all my dates. Everybody coming to a city near you. Big J Okerson's Peter North American tour coming on a city near you.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's a good one.

[Big J. Okerson]

Thank you.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I like that.

[Big J. Okerson]

You can look for them all over the place and then Biggest news is next Thursday, February 20th, I'll be dropping the first half of my double crowd work special. Them. There's the first half them coming out on YouTube. February 20th.

[Sal Volcano]

Nice.

[Big J. Okerson]

Please, yeah, subscribe to my YouTube page, get in the comments, share it, do all that. It'll be very fun. And of course, listen to the bonfire five days a week, Faction Talk Series XM103 with me and the great Robert Kelly and the Legion of Skanks, the flagship show right here at Gas Digital Network.

[Julian McCullough]

Oh, yeah. Come see me live on the road. The Bring 5 Friends tour coming to a city near you. Let's remember, folks, Bring five Friends, don't come alone. Next Wednesday, me and Big J will be doing Story wars live at the Comedy Store, which is going to be great. Los Angeles, lookout, we're going to be there on the 19th. And then that weekend, I'm going to be in Salt Lake City, Utah. I got Southman, Indiana coming up. Rally North Carolina coming up. A bunch of stuff. Oh, and we're doing Story wars in Austin at the mothership on March 26th. Two shows.

[Big J. Okerson]

Two shows.

[Julian McCullough]

The mother ship going to be a goddamn blast.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's awesome.

[Julian McCullough]

Make sure you guys. Guys subscribe to gas digital. Gas digital.com use the promo code wars with a Z to get a buck 50 off your premium membership. There's a few episodes that are only available for subscribers. Plus you get the uncensored ad free version of the show. And then also, I'm filming a new special July 12th in Tampa, Florida at side Splitters. So come out to that. It's going to be a blast. Robert Kelly going to be directing it. Zach, Kiko, with me the whole weekend. And yeah, all the other pods, the Lewis and Zach show, the Regs, Legion of Skank, all that stuff. All right, that's it now. Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah. We've reached the second half, the final four stories of Story Wars. And the people who are losing do tend to feel a little dejected and upset thinking they're out of the game.

[Bonnie McFarland]

I don't. I'm proud of myself for not knowing anything about you guys.

[Big J. Okerson]

But, Bonnie, you will get a little spark in your step when you realize that the final four stories. Double points. Thank you, Roots.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I just remembered a plug, please. So you guys know Soul Joel, right?

[Julian McCullough]

So I would.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It's not.

[Julian McCullough]

It's not a black guy.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

No, it's not. It's like the furthest list. I'm doing a high school. We went to high school together. I'm doing a fundraiser for our highest old High School, March 16th in Morristown, New Jersey. So South Dojo, Philly area, huh?

[Julian McCullough]

Dojo of comedy are you doing?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

No, it's not. Like by Cherry Hill, by where Jay grew up.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, South Jersey.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It's.

[Big J. Okerson]

What?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, sorry. It's where he lives. I'm so sorry, dude. All right, that's it.

[Big J. Okerson]

Nice.

[Julian McCullough]

You and Bonnie are dressed alike.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That is funny.

[Alex]

I thought that the whole night.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Bonnie McFarland]

Is that what I look like?

[Big J. Okerson]

All right, Understand the concept, right? Before, if you fooled someone, you got a point. And if you got the right person, you got two points. Now it's double pointed points.

[Julian McCullough]

Wow.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Seems reckless.

[Julian McCullough]

It's anyone's game, but we play it.

[Big J. Okerson]

Fast and loose over here. Story wars, baby. And remember, Sal, I see you playing with your beard. Nervous tension. I understand you want to bring home eggplant emoji. Forgasm directors uncut. The contributing Authors include James P.W. martin, Allison Fradkin, Robert Garnham, Alexandra LeCoutre, E.P. landy, and Casey Lawrence, among others.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Big J. Okerson]

Lookoutre's in that Lecutre at a retirement right before his untimely death.

[Julian McCullough]

Alex, story number five.

[Alex]

Story number five. My first real partner's parents wouldn't. Wouldn't let them date me because I was caught, quote unquote, simulating masturbation.

[Big J. Okerson]

I'll finish reading before final answer. Already locked in. Can't change it. I'm not gonna lie to you. The only thing that makes me think it's not Louis is I don't know if he knows how to use quotes like that. Because putting that in quotes means you were actually masturbating at the mall. Simulating masturbating.

[Julian McCullough]

How do you simulate masturbation?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

How do you simulate.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, right. That's what you understand. That's why you put in quotes. You don't know how to.

[Julian McCullough]

I would just jerk off at the mall.

[Sal Volcano]

That means it's you, isn't it?

[Julian McCullough]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

Lewis has said to us many times, this story is me. And then I have for some reason swooped in and been like, that's his bullshit. And then it was him. So take my word for this.

[Julian McCullough]

I mean, sure, you can vote for me all you want, but I would tell you right now that I would not simulate masturbation in a public place.

[Big J. Okerson]

First of all, if this is Bonnie, it's too hot. I can't even take.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Did you see. Did you see Louis use his innocent eyes when he said that?

[Big J. Okerson]

Well, me, I wouldn't touch her in.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Public at the mall. The mall is sacred.

[Big J. Okerson]

No, first of all, yeah. Louis used to work at malls. He hung out at the fucking. What's that stupid mall?

[Julian McCullough]

Palisades.

[Big J. Okerson]

Palisades Mall.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

He's getting hard just thinking about it.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah. He didn't give a shit about them. He had no respect for them all. He stole from the place he worked at.

[Julian McCullough]

My first girlfriend's parents. This is true. My first girlfriend's parents would not let me date her, but it was because I was brown.

[Big J. Okerson]

Right? And brown to masturbate at malls.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's actually more of a white thing.

[Big J. Okerson]

You're right. But Louis also has aspired to be white his whole life.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's true. Maybe he thought that that was going to get him in good with the parents.

[Big J. Okerson]

His ethnic. His ethnic parent was murdered by stabbing. Or as I call it, natural selection.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Natural causes would have been his killer.

[Julian McCullough]

Stimulated masturbation into his stomach.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's okay. He's over it. Hey, guys.

[Julian McCullough]

It was over three years ago.

[Bonnie McFarland]

This is Louis. Because it's like, making it seem like you were asking for permission from the parents where you wouldn't care if you got caught.

[Big J. Okerson]

You.

[Bonnie McFarland]

You just do what you want to do, Right? You don't believe in the.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

The.

[Bonnie McFarland]

The laws at the mall, but you.

[Julian McCullough]

I mean, my first girlfriend. Parents didn't know I was dating her because I was specifically brown. So this. That's just. It's not me, so.

[Bonnie McFarland]

My point exactly.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, but that's what I'm saying. Maybe they.

[Julian McCullough]

They didn't. They didn't know I was dating her because I was Puerto Rican and her parents were racist as shout out anyway.

[Bonnie McFarland]

Yeah.

[Sal Volcano]

Was that your first partner? Your first real.

[Big J. Okerson]

Well, here's what's catching me too. No pun intended.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Caught.

[Julian McCullough]

You can't change it.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I'm not. Okay, still you. I just realized why that doesn't work.

[Big J. Okerson]

Caught at the mall is what's like. And then it trickles back to her parent. That means you're either caught by the parents fake whacking off at the mall or this became town news.

[Bonnie McFarland]

No, that's what I thought. I thought it was like somehow it.

[Sal Volcano]

Got back to them.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Like, so here's the boy.

[Big J. Okerson]

That boy who everyone knows masturbated. Masturbated at the mall.

[Julian McCullough]

This is this, weirdly. Could be Sal. Or it could be Jay because he's talking so much.

[Big J. Okerson]

That's what I do, baby.

[Julian McCullough]

But Jay likes it when Jay's lying. He just keeps on yapping.

[Big J. Okerson]

Sure.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Look, people hate being called racist, right?

[Big J. Okerson]

Right.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

So they didn't want him dating their daughter. Daughter for racist reasons. But they couldn't say that, so they said, oh, it's because of that time he jerked off at the mall.

[Big J. Okerson]

Julian, stop talking. You made the sale.

[Bonnie McFarland]

That fully makes me believe it's Jay.

[Julian McCullough]

I think it.

[Big J. Okerson]

I think.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, yeah. That made me think it was Jay. That move.

[Bonnie McFarland]

Yeah, yeah, that's what.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That move. We can change them all with the time, right?

[Julian McCullough]

No, you can't.

[Bonnie McFarland]

He'll just agree with whoever up there tries to get the motion going in that direction.

[Julian McCullough]

It's Big J's strategy. He starts yapping happen, throws it on somebody else. And when he won't stop talking to Tim.

[Big J. Okerson]

This could still be Lewis easily. He's trying to get everybody off of himself. Now, I shouldn't even said that because I want other people to not say Louis so I can get points.

[Julian McCullough]

Sure. Okay. There we go.

[Big J. Okerson]

There you go. There you go.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I feel like Jay's wiener's too small to get in trouble for this.

[Big J. Okerson]

They thought I was fixing my sound. This guy couldn't even figure out how to get a zipper up. I go, I was masturbating. And they go, sure. You were like a dude. You're just gonna figure your zipper out. Goes, no, dude, I was whacking off so hard. You didn't see my elbow was moving and everything. Everything.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Why isn't anybody else laughing?

[Julian McCullough]

I should have, you fool.

[Sal Volcano]

Yeah, I felt it as Alex Lewis.

[Big J. Okerson]

Has a little dick and that's why he fake masturbates at malls.

[Julian McCullough]

My dick is slightly bigger than yours. So what do you think of your own dick?

[Big J. Okerson]

That's true at all?

[Julian McCullough]

I know it's true.

[Big J. Okerson]

You're just saying it.

[Julian McCullough]

I've seen your dick.

[Big J. Okerson]

We've never measured anything, but I've seen.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Guys, guys, guys. You both have horrible dicks.

[Julian McCullough]

No, the shape's solid. It's just the size.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, no, mine's pretty good. It's just like. It's just on the edge of, like, thicker and longer than Lewis's. Like, look, we're close. I mean, neither of us is fucking turning heads. I'm just saying. It's just.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Which one's better at crowd work?

[Big J. Okerson]

That is a good question. Neither are good at crowd control, Alex.

[Alex]

That story belongs to. To Louis Jacob.

[Julian McCullough]

Yeah, that's my story. It was my dude, I was a piece of. You got everyone on your side too quickly. Yeah, Julian, you.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I've never seen. Louis, you've never lied to me before. And I noticed a different look in your eye, and I was like, oh, he's lying.

[Julian McCullough]

Yeah, I'm not I'm not a good liar.

[Big J. Okerson]

What?

[Julian McCullough]

Yeah, I know that was a lie.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

See, if I didn't know you though, if I didn't know you, those were honest eyes.

[Julian McCullough]

Yeah. No. So it was the girl I lost my virginity to. My first real girl girlfriend. And it wasn't even that her parents wouldn't let her date me. They wouldn't let her speak to me ever again.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

So how did they find out about.

[Julian McCullough]

So no, here's what happened was we all went to the mall and I was on. It was the Nanuette Mall, not the Palisade Center Mall. This before the Palisade Center Mall opener. Maybe right around the time it opened. And I was on the second floor and I was pretending to jerk off over the balcony while her and my friends all ran around with their mouths open below me. We were having a fun. We were having a fun time.

[Big J. Okerson]

The mall, that's fun.

[Julian McCullough]

Just fun. Just good, innocent, clean fun. And I was like, ah, it's raining. Come. And I. My dick wasn't out or anything. But then security came and kicked us out of the mall. And then we were waiting outside and when her parents came to pick everyone up, the mall security came over and was like, yeah, this guy was simulating masturbation. They're not allowed in the mall anymore. So they kicked everyone out. And her parents were dumb racist junkies and they didn't understand the word simulated, so they thought I was actually jerking off in the mall. And that was a whole problem. But this is also the same girl I, I drew on her basement walls in crayon. So they hated me for multiple reasons.

[Big J. Okerson]

Seems like an everyone more justified than the last.

[Sal Volcano]

So then they believe that her and all our friends are running around catching it.

[Julian McCullough]

They, they just.

[Big J. Okerson]

That was Lewis's Puerto Rican brown influence.

[Julian McCullough]

They just heard masturbation. They thought I was jerking off in the mall. And then when they found out the truth, they were like, fine, you can still be his friend, but you're not.

[Big J. Okerson]

Going to date a guy who whacks off at the mall or something.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I like that your two crimes were so opposite in terms of like guilt. He's like, I jerked off at the mall and I wrote on in crayon on their wall.

[Julian McCullough]

Well, no, her father was like, her father wanted to fist fight me. He's, he's like, why would a 15 year old write in crayons on my wall?

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, they're not wrong.

[Julian McCullough]

You are as an adult now with a home. I'm like, I would fucking kill somebody if they wrote in crayons. You're on my walls.

[Big J. Okerson]

You're performing the actions of an unruly 8 year old. This guy can touching himself in public and then he writes, when I'm being crayon.

[Sal Volcano]

I guess you can't be brown and jerking off of them all anymore.

[Julian McCullough]

They were racist, then they were mad.

[Big J. Okerson]

I killed their guinea pig with safety scissors. That was so funny. It put that guy completely asleep.

[Julian McCullough]

No, don't wake him up. It's better.

[Big J. Okerson]

The immediate beer grab was great. What's up? Oh, we're partying still. What happened?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

No, he got hypnotized six months ago and the secret word was crayon. We got to say it one more time. Crayon. Hey, he's back. That's crazy.

[Big J. Okerson]

He goes, I ruined ruin a thing with crayon. With crayon. She goes, yeah, dude, crayon got a sling.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You got to say it an odd number of times.

[Julian McCullough]

Me. Alex, where our points at?

[Alex]

All right, the score is after round five. I have Bonnie with four points, Lewis with eight points.

[Julian McCullough]

I'm in. Only I'm in fourth place with eight points.

[Alex]

Well, I have a tie for second. You're technically in third. Okay, in second place, tied with nine points each, I have Big J Okerson and Julian. And in the lead still with 12 points, Salv.

[Sal Volcano]

Do not underestimate how much I love eggplant.

[Julian McCullough]

That's what my girlfriend's parents called me. You're not going out with that eggplant anymore. That's what they said. It's like I'm Puerto Rican.

[Big J. Okerson]

Some eggplant jerking off like a spider monkey.

[Sal Volcano]

Can't be a nightshade in jerk.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It was Tom Brady's parents.

[Big J. Okerson]

Hey, everyone, real quick, let's talk about one of our Austin some sponsors of Story Wars. And of course, that is Yo Kratom, everyone.

[Julian McCullough]

Yo Kratom. They are the marquee sponsors for everything here at the Gas Digital Network. And the marquee sponsors five years in a row now for Skank Fest without Yo Kratom support, a lot of these shows that you guys love wouldn't even be around. And we're not telling you if you're. If you're just. If you don't know what Kratom is, turn off the ad right now. Just fast forward a little bit. Hit that 15 second button. But if you're in the market for Kratom y kratom dot com, there's no promo code or anything needed there. They're home of the $60 kilo. That's nearly 2 pounds of kratom for 60 bucks. That's huge deal, folks. So right now, just go to ycratom.com, let them know that we sent you ycratom.com. all right, where were we? Alex, story number six.

[Alex]

Story number six. Since the day I became a parent, I have not left the house without a weapon.

[Julian McCullough]

One of us has a weapon on them right now.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Why?

[Big J. Okerson]

Well, Bonnie's jacket says switchblade.

[Julian McCullough]

Bonnie's dressed like Blade. She's got two swords.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

She's dressed like an undercover cop in the seventies.

[Big J. Okerson]

Is this you?

[Julian McCullough]

There we go. We only had one reference. Thanks, guys.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Hey, could have gotten Donnie Brasco.

[Big J. Okerson]

Remember? We all know that. 1970.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Sorry, Jay.

[Julian McCullough]

That's great. You know what? Editor it up. Say it again.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Okay. Bonnie Brasco.

[Sal Volcano]

I got. I get switchblade comb from you. So I'm this. You know what I mean? Yeah.

[Julian McCullough]

Without a.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

This is a tough one.

[Big J. Okerson]

I want to.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Because it's so obviously Lewis again.

[Julian McCullough]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

No, no, no, no. Can I tell you something now? Lewis? This is definitely hyperbole because Lewis is thinking I have left the house. He is a human weapon.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah. His hands are certified.

[Big J. Okerson]

He doesn't carry weapons like this. This sounds like the fear of a woman.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Good point. I agree. It's made something stupid like this eggplant.

[Big J. Okerson]

This sounds like a feminine fear.

[Julian McCullough]

Ah, this is kind of hard. I mean, just Bonnie. I know probably the least about Bonnie out of everybody up here.

[Big J. Okerson]

Girls think keys in their knuckles. Her weapon.

[Julian McCullough]

But I bet you she does have a weapon on her keychain. That's. It's like mace or pepper spray.

[Big J. Okerson]

That's what I mean.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

She also has a razor sharp wit.

[Bonnie McFarland]

So no need using it here tonight.

[Big J. Okerson]

Dust it off here.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

These people don't even know what subterfuge means.

[Big J. Okerson]

And that there's a bee in it.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Once you told us not changing it.

[Big J. Okerson]

Once you told us about the be, we realized you were saying it wrong.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I know. That's how good I am at the. This game threw me off.

[Big J. Okerson]

I was goofball.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Now. You have no idea how smart I am.

[Bonnie McFarland]

No, but Big J, you have a chain wallet, right?

[Big J. Okerson]

Not anymore. Not anymore. So now I would currently not have a weapon with me.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Well, a wallet chain is only a weapon if you consider it as something that you use to slay.

[Big J. Okerson]

Oh, so you know. Well, it worked for Smash Mouth.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

He has a name.

[Big J. Okerson]

You think you're better than Smash Mouth? I call the whole band Smash Mouth. You guitar Smash Mouth.

[Sal Volcano]

I feel like it's. My mind went right to Lewis or one of you guys. And I feel like that's too easy. And so I just feel like this would be the. I feel like you would be the. The least. Yeah.

[Julian McCullough]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

I'm gonna get it rolling. She's been very quiet. Bonnie.

[Bonnie McFarland]

I let my weapon speak for me.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, you want to speak to these Ninja size.

[Julian McCullough]

That's where we find out Bonnie carries an Uzi at all times.

[Big J. Okerson]

That'd be great. It's like twin desert eagles under her armpits.

[Julian McCullough]

I guess it's just too obvious. It must be Bonnie.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

But Sal is Italian.

[Big J. Okerson]

He is Italian.

[Sal Volcano]

I'm also, you know, I'm also Puerto Rican.

[Big J. Okerson]

That's all you are?

[Sal Volcano]

Yeah. That's probably a nice.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That makes it even. Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

Who'd you go with?

[Julian McCullough]

I went with Bonnie.

[Big J. Okerson]

Oh. All right.

[Julian McCullough]

I just feel like women always have pepper spray or, like a loud horn or something or whistle.

[Bonnie McFarland]

Those women.

[Julian McCullough]

You can never get away with what you want to do to them.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Well, once she became a parent, she didn't need the. She didn't need the rape whistle anymore.

[Julian McCullough]

Alex, all of our stories.

[Big J. Okerson]

No, you are. You're so rap.

[Julian McCullough]

We would rape you. Stop. We would. We would.

[Big J. Okerson]

Bonnie. And I mean this as a friend.

[Sal Volcano]

Don't beat yourself up like that.

[Big J. Okerson]

Rape victim 11.

[Bonnie McFarland]

Thank you.

[Julian McCullough]

Oh, yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

Everyone's answers are in, Alex.

[Alex]

Holy shit, you guys. That was Sal. Volcano. Oh, my God.

[Julian McCullough]

Wow.

[Sal Volcano]

Still anybody's game. It's still anybody's game.

[Julian McCullough]

Sal is pulling away with this game right now.

[Big J. Okerson]

Wow.

[Julian McCullough]

Sal, what weapon do you have on you?

[Sal Volcano]

What's that? A stun gun.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Like a knife? A knife?

[Julian McCullough]

A voice box.

[Bonnie McFarland]

The guy, he really got me.

[Big J. Okerson]

Talk to my children. I'm a vet.

[Julian McCullough]

I have cancer. Do not come near me.

[Big J. Okerson]

Stolen valor. I've got you.

[Bonnie McFarland]

But I do feel like I should somehow go get a weapon of some kind.

[Julian McCullough]

So you have a. A taser on you at all times?

[Sal Volcano]

Yeah.

[Julian McCullough]

That's wild.

[Sal Volcano]

You want to test me?

[Julian McCullough]

I want to test you.

[Big J. Okerson]

Right.

[Julian McCullough]

I'm going to see this taser.

[Sal Volcano]

I have it on me for real.

[Julian McCullough]

Do you really? Yeah. Can I see it?

[Sal Volcano]

Is that the right thing to do right now?

[Julian McCullough]

Yes.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Give it to him.

[Sal Volcano]

Give it to him.

[Julian McCullough]

All right.

[Sal Volcano]

I want to. I want to be. I want to.

[Big J. Okerson]

You carry it in your. Your boot, you put in your sock.

[Sal Volcano]

No, no, no. My bag. I want to. I want to be indemnified of anything that goes down after I hand Lewis.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You know what they say, though? The police say, never pull out a taser unless you're going to use it on Lewis.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's true. That's in the handbook.

[Sal Volcano]

Sorry, Jay. I'm high cuz of you.

[Julian McCullough]

Good job getting it out. You're already dead.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I know.

[Sal Volcano]

I may, sir.

[Big J. Okerson]

Wait a second.

[Julian McCullough]

They've killed you three times.

[Big J. Okerson]

I promise you, you keep my wallet up my butt with my Taser.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Give me a second. I'm a parent.

[Bonnie McFarland]

It's still in.

[Julian McCullough]

Your child has been stolen from you.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Julian McCullough]

They're already in the getaway car.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

These kids already been found.

[Sal Volcano]

Let me show you something. I, I haven't left the house without recently.

[Bonnie McFarland]

No.

[Julian McCullough]

Whoa.

[Big J. Okerson]

Sal. I don't mean to try it on me, but the ones that have little flashlights make me think you're not putting anybody down with that thing. No, I don't think.

[Julian McCullough]

Here, try it on me. I'll let you try it on my arm.

[Sal Volcano]

No, no, you do it.

[Julian McCullough]

No way, not you.

[Big J. Okerson]

Sal, this is.

[Sal Volcano]

I, I think it's pretty. Not good.

[Big J. Okerson]

Is it tactical? It's got a light on it.

[Sal Volcano]

No, it can't be.

[Big J. Okerson]

Who said it was dead? Who said it was. Who said it was dead?

[Sal Volcano]

Who the fuck said it was that?

[Julian McCullough]

Maybe, you know, that is a jarring sound.

[Sal Volcano]

Yeah. I mean, I don't really want to fight the person. This is a scare mobile. No, I want to put somebody down.

[Julian McCullough]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Julian McCullough]

I do think one shock will put him down.

[Sal Volcano]

I don't want to fucking put somebody down. It's very theatrical.

[Big J. Okerson]

That's. I don't know if that was just. If that's all sound hype, but that sounded pretty brutal.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Sal Volcano]

You're welcome to test him with it. I won't.

[Julian McCullough]

But I also.

[Sal Volcano]

Again, I'm not responsible, you know, have a heart attack or whatever, you know.

[Julian McCullough]

Let me say this. If, if he shocks me. Your taser. I can still sue you.

[Sal Volcano]

L. Do you want. No, no, I, I, I, I don't.

[Big J. Okerson]

Think it over. Bring it over.

[Sal Volcano]

Listen, this is. I, you know, I don't.

[Julian McCullough]

Pass it over.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I'm not getting fingerprints on that thing. Oh, God. Don't do it.

[Sal Volcano]

What do you push there? There's a button. I think this is the.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

By the way.

[Sal Volcano]

Right on the side. Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

This is the move of a very.

[Big J. Okerson]

I don't always go to. I won't do it to you. Unless you want me to do it to you.

[Sal Volcano]

No, don't do it to you.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

No. Wait, wait, wait. It's going to. The microphone's going to get wrecked. You're going to wreck the microphone.

[Sal Volcano]

Oh, my God, dude.

[Big J. Okerson]

Why?

[Bonnie McFarland]

Come on.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You're Going to punch Jay in the face.

[Sal Volcano]

Oh.

[Bonnie McFarland]

How bad could it hurt?

[Sal Volcano]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Julian McCullough]

I can't do it.

[Big J. Okerson]

I hear you.

[Julian McCullough]

I want to.

[Bonnie McFarland]

I thought this was your testosterone.

[Big J. Okerson]

A.

[Sal Volcano]

Give me it back, you brown masturbating pussy.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, man, that made me have to pee.

[Julian McCullough]

You do feel it right in your taint, right? You're like, yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I'm like, stop pressing it. I'm gonna pee my pants. That's the move of a very practical joker.

[Julian McCullough]

Yes. Alex, where are our points? Sal. I don't even know if anyone can catch up with Sal at this point.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I'm furious. I'm furious that it was Sal.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's crazy.

[Sal Volcano]

Yeah. I don't know, man. I don't know.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's all Jay's fault, though. He was like, oh, that's a woman move. And we were all like, yup. We deserve that.

[Big J. Okerson]

Sal played right on our misogyny.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I know.

[Julian McCullough]

Alex scores.

[Alex]

All right, after round six, I have a tie between Lewis and Bonnie with eight points each.

[Julian McCullough]

What? We suck. Bonnie.

[Alex]

A tie between Jay and Julian with nine points each. Beach. And in the lead, sal, volcano with 18 points.

[Big J. Okerson]

Wow.

[Julian McCullough]

We can. Look, we can sell everybody's game.

[Sal Volcano]

It's anybody's game.

[Julian McCullough]

It's still anybody's game.

[Sal Volcano]

Technically, it's anybody's game.

[Big J. Okerson]

Hey, everybody but Sal. Get your ass in the game. Okay, I'm so. Published by Eggplant Emoji lit. This collection offers a variety of humorous stories, each bringing a unique comedic perspective. Perspective. So let's go.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I want that.

[Big J. Okerson]

Don't just hand this to him.

[Julian McCullough]

Are you guys having a good time so far?

[Big J. Okerson]

Sorry.

[Julian McCullough]

Wars Making sure. What a fun show. What a fun show. Even if Sal wins by this much, it's still fun.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

He's almost got a point for every city he made up. Let's get everybody in the game. Crayon.

[Big J. Okerson]

All right, Alex. Story number seven.

[Alex]

Story number seven. My mother would sometimes let a man babysit me. He would put me in a room covered in pornography until she came back.

[Big J. Okerson]

Lewis. Why are they all Louis stories are so long? It sounds like the origin story story of all of us.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Julian McCullough]

This could be Big J.

[Big J. Okerson]

Well, I'm thinking Bonnie.

[Julian McCullough]

Sal, you can't vote for yourself.

[Sal Volcano]

Oh.

[Julian McCullough]

Bonnie, No.

[Big J. Okerson]

Why this would stand out.

[Bonnie McFarland]

I mean, this. You know, statistically, this has happened to almost every woman in here.

[Big J. Okerson]

Put in a room.

[Julian McCullough]

That's how you become a Legion of Skanks fan.

[Big J. Okerson]

So put you in a room covered in pornography. Pornography is very proper sounding pornography.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Alex probably removed the last sentence, which was. It was awesome. Cuz then we knew. Then we know. It was Jay. It ruled.

[Julian McCullough]

I mean, this does sound like a very big J story.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

J.

[Julian McCullough]

His whore mother really just had. No.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Well, now I'm thinking it's Lewis pushing hard, but it's.

[Big J. Okerson]

And Lewis's mom needed. You know, I don't want to oversell. Louis, it's fine.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It's.

[Big J. Okerson]

Maybe it's not Louis.

[Sal Volcano]

What does it mean? That he would put me in a room until she came back. So she was aware. She was unaware.

[Big J. Okerson]

His mother was a prostitute. It seems like she has to get the kids away quickly.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I'm doing this quick because I have to. I literally have to go to the bathroom. That taser brought something out of me. Can I run and go Come right back?

[Julian McCullough]

You can run. Yeah, before. But you got to come back for.

[Big J. Okerson]

The stories that are on your final answer.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

All right.

[Bonnie McFarland]

It's Julian.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I can't get out. Never mind. I'll just pee.

[Big J. Okerson]

I don't think it's Julian, but Julian covered in pornography.

[Sal Volcano]

What does that mean? There's magazines.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Weird, right? Was it a clubhouse?

[Sal Volcano]

Yeah. Like, was it. Was it like kitschy wallpaper? What do you mean? Covered in pornography?

[Julian McCullough]

Yeah. Was it. Was it the. Like the bathroom at a cool downtown bar?

[Big J. Okerson]

I have to assume pictures and not like, just video drone walls. Like what's a Clockwork Orange? You just had to sit there and keep looking at it.

[Sal Volcano]

Sounds like. Like it's not that they went in a room and that happened to be pornography. The way it's worded is pornography room that he kept him in. And then when she came back, they opened. It was like, you can get out now.

[Julian McCullough]

I imagine porn posters all over the walls, clipped out of magazines. That's what I'm imagining.

[Big J. Okerson]

Okay, if it were me, are you imagining it?

[Bonnie McFarland]

But is the mother complicit in this story? Or she didn't know it was happening. Louis.

[Sal Volcano]

Why. Why were you putting a room. Like, why isn't the porn posters at this person's like this one room that has the porn posters and that. That's where you had to stay until your mom came back? Like, why didn't you have free range of the house?

[Julian McCullough]

Stop asking me.

[Bonnie McFarland]

I'm starting to think.

[Sal Volcano]

Baby, I. I'm just saying. I don't. I don't understand.

[Big J. Okerson]

It sounds throwing. It's worded. Last story was Sal.

[Julian McCullough]

Was his last story. But we could do two stories in a row. Three stories in a row. It's all random. It's happened randomly Generated.

[Big J. Okerson]

But you want to play the numbers sometimes.

[Julian McCullough]

This I could see this, but I feel like this would be. Sounds too nice of a person to have this in his background around.

[Big J. Okerson]

I'm thinking.

[Julian McCullough]

You think Julian left cuz he couldn't hold a straight face?

[Big J. Okerson]

It's very possible. I want to say Julia. You think I'm going to say Bonnie, and my reason is going to be the word pornography.

[Julian McCullough]

Jay. Jay, you're crazy. What do you think we'd say porno?

[Big J. Okerson]

I don't know. But I know Bonnie was. I think she used to like go to strip clubs with teachers and so she. Some weird stuff.

[Bonnie McFarland]

That's true.

[Julian McCullough]

I'm going. I'm going with Big Jersey. Whenever Big J does a weird vote, I always feel like it's him.

[Big J. Okerson]

Weird.

[Julian McCullough]

It's a weird vote.

[Big J. Okerson]

Okay. I don't know if this stands out.

[Julian McCullough]

Bonnie's mother. Bonnie's parents were together.

[Bonnie McFarland]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Julian McCullough]

There's no. There's no man babysitting her.

[Big J. Okerson]

Her parents were together. God damn it.

[Bonnie McFarland]

Everyone thinks it's always the babysitters. I mean, really? Where? I mean, there's still like pornography around. I mean, it was still like.

[Big J. Okerson]

You guys think terrible of my mother.

[Julian McCullough]

You're Canadian. Canadian pornography.

[Big J. Okerson]

Unless this is Sal. Someone's gonna catch up to Sal. You all up big.

[Julian McCullough]

Oh, man. Dude, if it's Sal and nobody voted Sal, he's just at 30 points. I'll lose my mind right now.

[Big J. Okerson]

This game's.

[Julian McCullough]

I will lose.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Have to vote for him.

[Julian McCullough]

So, Alex, all the votes are in.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, we can't. Yeah, I'm already.

[Alex]

Did everybody vote for Big J Oson?

[Julian McCullough]

Yes.

[Alex]

Everybody is correct.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yes. His name was Chaz. I should. My mom should have known by the name. Don't leave your son alone with him. But I thought he was the coolest because he would let me go into his bedroom that was covered. Lewis nailed it with cutout pictures of porn magazines. Just bush and pussy everywhere. And then just a little tiny TV that I was able to watch Inspector Gadget on while waiting for my mother. But I'm not gonna lie to you, Gadget Gang. I didn't watch a lot of Inspector Gang.

[Julian McCullough]

If you did, you'd be Inspector Nice. All these hot naked chicks on the walls.

[Bonnie McFarland]

I don't think it affected you at all.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Go go Gadget trauma.

[Big J. Okerson]

Next time, Gadget. Next time.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Then he just waited in a chair petting his cat. You never saw his face.

[Big J. Okerson]

Your mom's here. Oh, well, I've been done.

[Julian McCullough]

Alex, where our score? What's our points at all right, going.

[Alex]

Into the final story, I have Big J Okerson in last place with nine points. All of you, Lewis and Bonnie tied with 12 points each.

[Sal Volcano]

Yes.

[Alex]

Julian with 13 points and Sal in the lead with 22 points.

[Big J. Okerson]

Wow.

[Sal Volcano]

Anybody's game?

[Julian McCullough]

Wait, how many points is.

[Sal Volcano]

It's anybody's game.

[Julian McCullough]

How many points does Julian have?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

30. 13.

[Julian McCullough]

Julian is 13 and we have 12.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

And Sal has 22.

[Big J. Okerson]

Anybody but me.

[Julian McCullough]

No. Literally. No, no, no. Yes. Sal can't be beat right now.

[Alex]

It is quite literally not anybody's game but Sal's right now.

[Julian McCullough]

Sal, actually there's. We'll play one final round for fun. But Sal, you're a story warrior, officially.

[Sal Volcano]

I appreciate it. Thanks for coming out.

[Julian McCullough]

And by the way, this has been in 28 episodes of the show, we've never had some. Somebody pull ahead so far that nobody else could win.

[Big J. Okerson]

You don't seem appreciative of it. You just seem very like, yeah, whatever.

[Sal Volcano]

No, you got me high before this.

[Big J. Okerson]

That's fair.

[Sal Volcano]

So I can't even function. I will say. I. I think. I think I might have gotten everyone correct.

[Alex]

I got every answer correct.

[Big J. Okerson]

Perfect game.

[Julian McCullough]

Perfect game.

[Sal Volcano]

Has that ever happened? No.

[Big J. Okerson]

Josh. Adam Myers came close. This would be a perfect game.

[Sal Volcano]

Yeah.

[Julian McCullough]

This.

[Sal Volcano]

Okay, guys, it's a lot of pressure.

[Big J. Okerson]

And Josh lost the perfect A game on the final round.

[Sal Volcano]

Really?

[Julian McCullough]

Okay, Sal, official story where this is a big deal. By the way, you can trigger.

[Sal Volcano]

We just talked about the. No hitter is what just happens.

[Julian McCullough]

Sal, you can. You can trigger. You could trigger the double points.

[Big J. Okerson]

That's right, everybody. When you become an official story warrior, you're able to trigger the double points jingle. Sal, you want to take a shot?

[Sal Volcano]

I don't know what's being asked of me.

[Julian McCullough]

Just. Just say dp.

[Sal Volcano]

Dp.

[Julian McCullough]

Well, no, you got to say the. The words. I don't want to trigger it for.

[Sal Volcano]

Oh, okay. I got it.

[Big J. Okerson]

Double points. You know what, Sal? The other people who have won this, you've just accomplished too much for this to be anything to you.

[Sal Volcano]

No, I really wanted that eggplant book. And also the first time I was on, I. I lost in the last round.

[Big J. Okerson]

Wow.

[Sal Volcano]

And so I've. I've thought about that ever since. And so I came to play today.

[Julian McCullough]

It's a big deal.

[Big J. Okerson]

So that's. This is your game face. Apologies.

[Sal Volcano]

Yeah, no, it's. You gave me a joint before this face, but it's fair.

[Big J. Okerson]

Maybe we just.

[Sal Volcano]

And I shouldn't have taken. Because I. I got spots after this and stuff.

[Julian McCullough]

We have one more Story.

[Big J. Okerson]

You go in those spots, it looks like, with a new book. Eggplant emoji. Hey guys, real quick. Let's talk about one of our awesome sponsors over here. Story wars. And of course that is Lucy. Everybody, everyone. A hundred percent pure nicotine pouches. That's all the rage right now.

[Julian McCullough]

Always tobacco free. Yeah, and they have gum too. But I'll tell you right now, everyone loves the breakers, which are like, you break them and they have the juice in them and you put them in your mouth. You get to pretend to be a hillbilly. You do a Nate bargazi voice.

[Big J. Okerson]

Oh, hey, I like to spit. But you don't even have to spit. Nope, that's what's so great about these. They have amazing flavors. So you and all of your friends can enjoy them together.

[Julian McCullough]

Yeah, dude, they have. If I did do pouches, I would do the espresso because I love coffee and I love nicotine.

[Big J. Okerson]

I'm a peach guy, but I grew up in a black neighborhood.

[Julian McCullough]

So listen to me. What you got to do is check out their incredible line of products. It is Lucy Co wars with a Z. Lucy Co W A R Z. And if you use the promo code wars with a Z, you're gonna get 20% off your first order. Plus they have a 30 day refund policy in case you change your mind.

[Big J. Okerson]

That'S delivered right to your door. And also, I need to say, Lucy, products are only for adults of legal age. And every order is age verified. Warning. This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.

[Julian McCullough]

All right, let's get back into it. Alex. Our final story.

[Alex]

Story number eight. My child broke their foot. But I waited a week to go to the hospital because I thought they were overreacting.

[Big J. Okerson]

Bonnie, you're an icy.

[Bonnie McFarland]

It's all Lewis. Every single one.

[Julian McCullough]

Now. My baby boy. Are you kidding me?

[Big J. Okerson]

No, Louis is. Is Lewis would be kissing it.

[Julian McCullough]

I'm a helicopter father.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, this does seem. It's Bonnie or Julian.

[Julian McCullough]

Wait, who left?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Just cuz I leave my kid on an elevator.

[Big J. Okerson]

Just that one time.

[Bonnie McFarland]

We have to at least.

[Big J. Okerson]

I ran around looking for heart racing.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Heart racing.

[Julian McCullough]

I waited a week to go to the hospital because I thought they were overreacting. You don't have to admit this. It's only a game, guys. I see the guilt on Julian's face. He's feeling bad about her now.

[Bonnie McFarland]

And it goes with his other story that, you know, this is just how he is as a parent.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I didn't realize that.

[Big J. Okerson]

I thought we were all giving bad father Stories?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Julian McCullough]

I thought every single story's gonna be.

[Big J. Okerson]

I haven't seen my child in 11 years. That's the whole story. Who is it?

[Julian McCullough]

I forgot my child's birthday.

[Big J. Okerson]

Just found I had a kid about a week ago. They're 18. That's been a real rough road.

[Julian McCullough]

I mean, I just.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

For the mystery at this point.

[Big J. Okerson]

No, no, no. But Sal is also. If a child broke their foot, they'd be helicoptered off.

[Bonnie McFarland]

They'd hire someone to play a doctor.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

And scare them not to break their foot again.

[Big J. Okerson]

Keep breaking your foot again.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

An idiot. Get out of my office now.

[Julian McCullough]

This doesn't seem s. Is already this. Sal's already a story warrior. It doesn't actually really matter, but I want. I kind of want Sal to pitch a perfect game right now. So I'm just going to use. I'm going to say it's got to be Julian. It really does.

[Big J. Okerson]

I don't know. I'm going with Bonnie.

[Julian McCullough]

You're going with Bonnie?

[Big J. Okerson]

I think her involved.

[Bonnie McFarland]

Do you remember the last time you guys did this?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I'm going Bonnie.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yep.

[Bonnie McFarland]

Poorly.

[Sal Volcano]

This is too much pressure, man.

[Julian McCullough]

I'm going with Julian. The theme is Julian's a bad dad. We're finding this all out tonight. Here we go. Julian McCullough, final answer from me.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It almost. Even if you're wrong, this still hurts.

[Sal Volcano]

Can I poll the audience?

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, you can.

[Julian McCullough]

You can do whatever you want. You're a story warrior.

[Sal Volcano]

All right, guys, this is our victory together. If we got this, okay?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

No, no, no, Sal, don't pass it off. You have a great. You have a perfect hitter going right now. And don't put it on the crowd.

[Big J. Okerson]

Julian's trying to distract you.

[Sal Volcano]

It's one of the reasons I love.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You can do it.

[Sal Volcano]

It's one of the reasons.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Think you can do it? Did Nolan Ryan say, hey, why don't you guys come out here and pitch this last one?

[Big J. Okerson]

Julian's doing a great job right now.

[Sal Volcano]

If it's him, I wasn't faced for the entire game. We called it out.

[Big J. Okerson]

Now.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I literally want to just out now.

[Sal Volcano]

Yeah, Yeah, I bet it just. I'm. All I'm saying is I better get this right. That's all I'm saying. That's. I'm just saying I better get it right.

[Big J. Okerson]

You're about to get your shar straightened out by set.

[Sal Volcano]

Now, let's just say whoever I put down should be whose story it is. All right?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I mean, he understands the game.

[Big J. Okerson]

This sounds like a Voss household story.

[Julian McCullough]

This also could be Big J. I forget that Big J was a bad.

[Sal Volcano]

Father and became a good sounds Bonnie. It sounded Bonnie father ever once sounded Bonnie to me. And you guys are making.

[Big J. Okerson]

If I feel like up Lewis.

[Sal Volcano]

I feel like it's Bonnie. I don't know. Man up your game. Look at me. Tell me you're going to up your game.

[Big J. Okerson]

I will say, sal, you pitching a perfect game. I didn't write this story, but one time my ex wife goes, Isabella's coughing. Really? Or her. She's saying her ear is hurting. I think she has an ear infection. I went, if you want to run her over to urgent care because she's making up another fucking ear infection, have at it. And she came back with a massive.

[Sal Volcano]

Ear infection, all right?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That Carla gave her on the way back.

[Big J. Okerson]

Carla probably gave it to her just to prove me wrong.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That bitch.

[Big J. Okerson]

She took everything and she wants more.

[Sal Volcano]

That's all I've been thinking about is Rich Voss.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I got.

[Big J. Okerson]

Are you dry? Are you dry? Now I could.

[Julian McCullough]

I could see Rich being like, her foot's not broken.

[Big J. Okerson]

Oh, are you kidding me?

[Bonnie McFarland]

He loves going to the.

[Big J. Okerson]

I've seen worse than this. Hey, as long as you're here, give me some B12.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I have proof it's Bonnie. I have proof it's Bonnie.

[Sal Volcano]

Oh, you think it's Jay?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Because.

[Sal Volcano]

But I know J too well.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

In what? Marriage.

[Big J. Okerson]

Marriage.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Let me say that. Hey, let me say this. What marriage would a kid say, I think my foot's broken. And the dad can say, I'm not taking her in. And the mom goes, okay, no, but if a mom goes, it's not broken. The dad's like, all right.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yo, Sal.

[Julian McCullough]

Sal, I want you to pitch a perfect game. I really think it's Julian here.

[Bonnie McFarland]

Sal, that is such a good argument.

[Big J. Okerson]

If you picked Jul.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I'm a master of subterfuge, so you have to.

[Big J. Okerson]

He said it right that time. I know.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Who is this guy? Did I grow up in a carnival?

[Big J. Okerson]

Dude, you are. You live in mystery.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, my God.

[Sal Volcano]

I.

[Julian McCullough]

What? You put down Jay. You put Bonnie.

[Big J. Okerson]

I put Bonnie.

[Julian McCullough]

I put. I put Julian. I really think it's Julian.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah, but you've always thought I was a monster, Louis.

[Julian McCullough]

That's not true. You remember the time you let me in your bed for $40?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's a monster.

[Big J. Okerson]

Maybe you're right. I don't know. I don't know.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

But my argument was so good.

[Sal Volcano]

Yeah, it was.

[Big J. Okerson]

But now that the fact that he said that, he made it seem like you already chose and he was depressed.

[Julian McCullough]

We're all playing for second place right now.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

What is it?

[Big J. Okerson]

Wow.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Wait, wait. What do you think it is? You think it's. It's Bonnie.

[Sal Volcano]

Look, can we get around you coming out?

[Julian McCullough]

Yeah. Yeah. All right, all right. If you. If you think it's me, clap your hands. No, no one. If you think it's Big J, clap your hands.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

A few people think you're a piece of.

[Sal Volcano]

If it's.

[Julian McCullough]

If you think it's. If you think it's Julian, clap your hands. If you think it's Bonnie, clap your hands.

[Big J. Okerson]

Wow.

[Julian McCullough]

What if it's Sal?

[Sal Volcano]

I. I think. I think it's Vonnie.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I think if it's Sal, I'm like never playing this video.

[Big J. Okerson]

If it.

[Sal Volcano]

If it was me, I'd literally, literally moonwalk out here on fire.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

No, if it's Sal, he's definitely a sociopath. Never talking to him again.

[Big J. Okerson]

His children are so young.

[Sal Volcano]

If it's me, we riot.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I know. Because if it's Sal, that means he can read people like a book. And he's doesn't care if his kid breaks his toilet.

[Sal Volcano]

Can I change mine?

[Julian McCullough]

No, it's too late.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

This sounds like I should put me.

[Sal Volcano]

I want to go on.

[Julian McCullough]

Final answers are in.

[Sal Volcano]

I now think it's Bonnie. Fuck. There'll always be an asterisk.

[Alex]

I'm sorry, Sal. It was Bonnie.

[Sal Volcano]

You're fucked up. You are fucked up. The way you looked at me in the face.

[Julian McCullough]

Mother of the year for a full week, you let her have a broken foot.

[Bonnie McFarland]

Well, here's the thing. I might have exaggerated. Exaggerated for the part of a story. And then I realized that was wrong of me to do because none of you guys have ever had your kids for a week. I was like, oh, that's gonna give it away.

[Big J. Okerson]

Seven straight days. That's crazy. Wow.

[Sal Volcano]

Just has turned into the worst night of my life. I can't I get to explain to you how this is gonna. How my is going to bother me right now.

[Big J. Okerson]

I know.

[Bonnie McFarland]

Especially cuz Sal does it my daughter's foot.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, but it doesn't feel like you won anymore.

[Big J. Okerson]

But you won though, bud. You're a story warrior.

[Sal Volcano]

Ah, the eggplant book. I need it. To glory of the no.

[Alex]

All right.

[Sal Volcano]

Thank you guys.

[Bonnie McFarland]

The highest score.

[Big J. Okerson]

I appreciate it.

[Julian McCullough]

I appreciate.

[Sal Volcano]

I appreciate it.

[Big J. Okerson]

First perfect game. I appreciate it. Still hasn't happened, but you came. You came close, buddy. Almost a perfect game. How about a big round of applause for all of our panel here tonight.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

Julia McCullough, Bonnie McFarland. Our newest story Warrior Sal Volcano. Thank you guys so much for checking out Story Wars. We are here at the stand every Wednesday night. Not next Wednesday, but every other Wednesday night. We are right here at the stand.

[Julian McCullough]

Sign that for us.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I'll sign it.

[Julian McCullough]

Yeah, yeah, sign it. Also, you got to give them an official story. We're stamping the book as well.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Isn't this super insulting to the actual authors of the book?

[Bonnie McFarland]

Yes.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Okay.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yes. Their jokes become books become jokes.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Take this, Leutra.

[Big J. Okerson]

Suck on this, lacoutre. We will catch you guys next time on Story Wars. Until then, everybody, good night.