037. Tony Hinchcliffe, Kim Congdon, & Ari Matti | Lies

Summary

Story Warz Podcast Episode 037: Tony Hinchcliffe, Kim Congdon, & Ari Matti | Lies

Hosted by GaS Digital Network

Release Date: April 18, 2025

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Introduction

Story Warz: A Game of Deceptive Storytelling is a lively podcast hosted by comedians Big Jay Oakerson and Louis J. Gomez. In this episode, titled "Lies," the hosts welcome three prominent guests: Tony Hinchcliffe, Kim Congdon, and Ari Matti. Filmed live at The Stand Comedy Club in New York City, the episode promises a blend of humor, deception, and sharp wit as contestants vie for the coveted Story Warrior crown.

Guest Introductions

Big Jay Oakerson & Louis J. Gomez kick off the show with their characteristic banter, setting a relaxed and humorous tone. The guests are introduced as follows:

• Kim Congdon: Known for her "Childless Milf" YouTube takeover and affiliation with King Kong, Kim brings a dynamic presence to the panel.

  Big J. Oakerson: "How about it for the hilarious Kimberly Congdon?"

• Ari Matti: A regular on Kill Tony and a fixture at the comedy mothership, Ari adds his unique flair to the game.

  Big J. Oakerson: "Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Ari Ma."

• Tony Hinchcliffe: Famous for his appearances on WWE roasts and Kill Tony, Tony is poised to showcase his storytelling prowess.

  Big J. Oakerson: "How about it for the hilarious Tony Hinchcliffe?"

Gameplay Overview

The essence of Story Warz involves each panelist submitting several stories centered around a specific theme—in this episode, Lies. The rules are straightforward:

1. Story Submission: Each participant provides three to five stories on the chosen subject.
2. Story Presentation: Stories are read aloud in a randomized order.
3. Guesser's Role: If a story belongs to the reader, they must convincingly pretend it’s someone else's. Conversely, if it's another participant's story, the guesser must identify the true owner.
4. Scoring:
   • Correct Guess: 2 points.
   • Successful Deception (fooling others): 1 point.

The ultimate goal is to accumulate the highest points, with the prize being a copy of Hillary Rodham Clinton's memoir, In Living History.

Louis J. Gomez: "And by the way, we're not playing for nothing here... today we're playing for a book from the Story Wars library in In Living History by Hillary Rodham Clinton."

Round Summaries

Round 1: Dog Adoption Story

• Story Presented: One panelist claimed to have lied about their apartment size to adopt a dog from an online service, resulting in the dog being sent in a crate under a plane.

  Ari Matti: "I bought him off of a website called nextday.pets.com..."

• Notable Interactions:

  • Louis J. Gomez expressed skepticism, suggesting the story sounded like Big J's.
  • Tony Hinchcliffe attempted to humorously malign the story's authenticity.

• Outcome: Tony achieved a clean sweep by successfully deceiving the panel.

  Tony Hinchcliffe: "I tortured my dog for 18 years. He's like, okay, next story."

Round 2: Donation Bucket for Concert Tickets

• Story Presented: A contestant described setting up a donation bucket for the homeless, diverting the funds to buy concert tickets for the band Incubus.

  Louis J. Gomez: "It's a brilliant idea... we're so close to Incubus tickets."

• Notable Interactions:

  • Big J. Oakerson and Louis J. Gomez debated the plausibility, with humor directed at the deception tactics.
  • Tony Hinchcliffe humorously dismissed the story's authenticity.

• Outcome: Louis J. Gomez successfully identified the story as his own, gaining points and challenging the panel's perceptions.

Round 3: Fake Vaccine Card

• Story Presented: A panelist lied about having a world-class server position to secure a job at a fancy restaurant, subsequently stealing money while pretending expertise in wine and fine dining.

  Narrator (Ari Matti): "I once lied about being a world-class server to get a job at a fancy restaurant."

• Notable Interactions:

  • Big J. Oakerson and Louis J. Gomez debated the authenticity, focusing on details like workplace settings and personal behaviors.
  • Tony Hinchcliffe provided humorous skepticism regarding the story's veracity.

• Outcome: The story was correctly attributed to Ari Matti, showcasing his ability to weave believable lies.

Notable Moments and Quotes

• Deceptive Banter: The hosts and guests frequently engaged in humorous exchanges, often teasing each other about their storytelling abilities and personal quirks.

  Big J. Oakerson: "We are your story warriors. Big J Okerson, the Puerto Rican rattlesnake..."

  Louis J. Gomez: "Jay's throwing it on me so hard right now."

• Humorous Accusations: Tony Hinchcliffe and Big J occasionally criticized each other's stories in jest, adding to the episode's lively atmosphere.

  Tony Hinchcliffe: "I love the fact that you guys finally took my advice and started a show with a format and tables and red microphones and buckets. This is very exciting. Really smart."

• Audience Engagement: Audience members contributed to the conversation, often adding humorous takes or questioning the authenticity of the stories.

  Audience Member: "Fill her up."

Conclusion and Winner

As the game progressed, points accumulated, leading to a climactic finale. Despite fierce competition, Kim Congdon emerged victorious, securing the Story Warrior crown and the prize book.

Big J. Oakerson: "Kim Congdon is the newest story warrior on the wall of legends, making history."

The episode concluded with heartfelt acknowledgments and thanks, reinforcing the show's community-driven spirit.

Big J. Oakerson: "We'll catch you guys next time on Story Wars. Until then, peace. Thank you all so much."

Final Scoreboard

1. Tony Hinchcliffe: 18 points
2. Kim Congdon: 12 points
3. Louis J. Gomez: 10 points
4. Ari Matti: 7 points
5. Big Jay Oakerson: 9 points

Alex (Scorekeeper): "And in the lead with 18 points, Tony Hinchcliffe."

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Key Takeaways:

• Engaging Gameplay: Story Warz effectively blends competitive storytelling with humor, keeping both participants and listeners entertained.
• Dynamic Interactions: The chemistry between hosts and guests fosters a lively and engaging environment, essential for the show's success.
• Effective Deception: The theme of lies challenges participants to craft believable yet deceptive stories, highlighting their creativity and improvisational skills.

Story Warz continues to captivate its audience with episodes like this one, where humor, strategy, and storytelling prowess intersect seamlessly.

Transcript

[Narrator]

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[Audience Member]

Fill her up.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're listening to the Gas Digital Network. Ladies and gentlemen, live from comedy mothership, it's story wars with the story warriors Big J. Okerson and Louis J. Gomez.

[Big J. Okerson]

What the fuck is up, Comedy mothership?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Let's go. Round two.

[Big J. Okerson]

Who was on the story wars?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Sorry, who was at the early show? Who was not at the early show? Okay. Love it, love it. Different crowd.

[Big J. Okerson]

Good. Sort of a different crowd.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Kind of a different crowd. Half a different crowd. This girl was in the exact same seat. I know, it is crazy.

[Big J. Okerson]

Well, you got rid of your family. That's strange.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, that girl. You had a whole family with you earlier. Where'd they, where'd they go? You're just hammered like you guys. Okay, well, that hurts.

[Big J. Okerson]

Well, it was a weird way to say it. You could be like, ah, they were tired, they didn't enjoy the first one and was like, just give the other ones away. She couldn't even move one of the tickets. There's one empty seat right there.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Fuck.

[Big J. Okerson]

Mother fuck. That hurts.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Right?

[Big J. Okerson]

We are your story warriors. Big J Okerson, the Puerto Rican rattlesnake, Louis J. Gomez. Very exciting to be here. Very, very exciting. And we have three amazing contestants coming up here right now on the show. In no particular order of importance, everyone, our first guest from the King Kong, Kim Congdon takeover and her special childless milf on YouTube. How about it for the hilarious Kimberly Congdon? Everybody.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Disagree?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come and see me in the comments.

[Big J. Okerson]

And tell me who's a bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A woman.

[Big J. Okerson]

And you want to be a comic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Then you got to be a bad.

[Big J. Okerson]

You trying to make it in this game. You can't be average. You got to be a bad bad. Yeah, gotta be a bad, bad, bad.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And your second guest, this guy is so funny. He is a regular on Kill Tony and a regular right here at the mothership. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Ari Ma.

[Big J. Okerson]

Oh, I thought we were all going to sing along. You guys know the Estonian anthem? No.

[Audience Member]

Oh, it was an anthem?

[Big J. Okerson]

I think so. That was my guess. And last but not least, our third guest of the evening. You might know him from the WWE's roast of WrestleMania and maybe you know him from a show called Kill Tony right here at the Comedy Mothership. How about it for the hilarious Tony Hitch? Cliff. Holy. This is a very, very exciting panel.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This is a crazy panel. I'm very excited to have all of you guys on competing on Story Wars. There's maybe a new story warrior crown tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love the fact that you guys finally took my advice and started a show with a format and tables and red microphones and buckets. This is very exciting. Really smart.

[Big J. Okerson]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did not think about the make a noise. Exactly.

[Big J. Okerson]

If you take too long to tell your story, then I'm bring up the.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Angry West Hollywood bear.

[Big J. Okerson]

Lewis is the angry North Jersey bear?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes, I am.

[Narrator]

Jay is bread ban.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, oh.

[Big J. Okerson]

Or bread fan. Nice. If you're not familiar with Story wars, here is a quick overview of how the game is played. Everybody on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. Today's subject, Lewis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Lies.

[Big J. Okerson]

Lies. Alex, our lovely producer, will read these stories off one at a time, in no particular order. It can be two times back to back the same person's story. And if it is your story, it is your job to fool the other people. That is not your story. If it is not your story, it is your job to guess whose story it is.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And for each time each story you guess correctly, you get two points. And for every person you fool, you get one point. Once you write the name on the dry erase board. Put the dry erase board in this slot right here and remove your hand. That is your final answer. That is your final answer. You cannot change it. It seems very confusing. You guys will play along. It'll be a lot of fun. And by the way, we're not playing for nothing here. I know it's a lot of fun, it's a lot of laughs, but ladies and gentlemen, we always have something on the line. Jay, tell them.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's a fucking game at the end of the day. And you have to have something to play for, something to get up for, as they say in sports. And today we're playing for a book from the Story wars library in living history by Hillary Rodney Clinton. In living history, Hillary Clinton offers readers a thoughtful reflection on her years in public Life. Providing personal insights into her role as first lady, senator, and influential advocate. She candidly addresses both the triumphs and controversies that defined her journey, emphasizing her unwavering dedication to improving health care and advocating for children's rights.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think it's just you open it up and it's hollow on the inside with a noose.

[Louis J. Gomez]

True.

[Audience Member]

Did she look like that when she was cheated on? She's hot there.

[Alex]

Hot, Hot.

[Big J. Okerson]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Audience Member]

She's banging.

[Big J. Okerson]

That was also picture day, though.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's not bad.

[Big J. Okerson]

I know. I wanted to go, too. I wanted to go. What the you talking about? You know what? Not bad at all.

[Audience Member]

Not bad at all.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Pretty toy when she was younger, I got to be honest.

[Big J. Okerson]

Damn better than you think. This would probably pick her spirits up right now if she's watching this. Hey, Hillary Rodham Wood.

[Audience Member]

100% wood.

[Narrator]

Can you imagine eating her out, though?

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

Yes.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, I could. She got a pussy just like all the other ones. I could picture it. What do you say? Let's get to war?

[Narrator]

That is what Hillary would say.

[Big J. Okerson]

I have a sneaking suspicion this TV's not on again.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, it's gonna be on. You're fine, Jim. All right.

[Big J. Okerson]

Okay. Well, then, Alex, without any further ado.

[Audience Member]

This happened the first show, too, right?

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

Okay. Okay.

[Big J. Okerson]

Well, it is on.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

Okay.

[Big J. Okerson]

Story number one.

[Audience Member]

It's not on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's not on.

[Narrator]

You guys have a bigger TV budget. Story number one, we're looking at an iPad.

[Big J. Okerson]

I know.

[Audience Member]

This show ain't gonna be picked up anytime soon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I remember Kill Tony was like this 12 years ago. Yeah, I remember your.

[Big J. Okerson]

We have a lot of catching up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

To do and working out the gangs by the time you guys look, we.

[Big J. Okerson]

Got the buckets and the red microphones. You know, Rome wasn't built in the day.

[Alex]

Alex, story number one. I once lied to a dog adoption service about how big my apartment was by sending them pictures of a yard I found online.

[Big J. Okerson]

Now, I'll tell you, the only person, the person I know the best on this stage, obviously, is Lewis here. And I will say I remember when Lewis got his dog Sport. And I will say he lived in the basement of some place, and I have to assume nobody would give you that dog.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I didn't adopt my dog. I bought him off of a website called nextday. Pets.com, next day, pets.com.

[Audience Member]

Who the fuck adopts it?

[Louis J. Gomez]

They sent him in a little crate underneath a plane.

[Big J. Okerson]

Oh, you did go to the airport to pick up Sport. That was in the poem you wrote.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, that's Right. So I didn't have to lie to anybody. I had to pay $500 and they just sent me this dog. They're like, do what you want with him. And I did.

[Narrator]

My first instinct was Lewis, but now I'm really believing.

[Big J. Okerson]

And now I do believe that story.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay did it.

[Audience Member]

Wait, where do you adopt a dog?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do they do in Estonia?

[Audience Member]

You just get one.

[Narrator]

It's Tony.

[Audience Member]

No, literally, take one of the loose.

[Big J. Okerson]

Ones off the street.

[Audience Member]

I. I had a dog when I was a kid. Those are the scars from my face. The dog bit me. You know why I told my stepdad I want a dog? Cause I watched Lassie and I was like, fuck yeah. You know, help me with my homework and shit. And then my stepdad just went to the woods and brought home a baby wolf. True story. And then the wolf attacked me, bit me in my fucking face. We went to the hospital, and the next day I asked, why the fuck did the dog attack me? My stepdad looks at me and goes, it's a wolf.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That is the most war torn Eastern European story I have ever heard in my life.

[Audience Member]

And a dog adoption is the most ass American I've ever heard in my life. You bitch ass.

[Big J. Okerson]

Get the dog. It is true. It is.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Every story. Every story from Ari is going to be like, so I was waiting in line for bread for eight days.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yes. My mother was pissing on me and my siblings for heat.

[Audience Member]

We had to eat the soap.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, look, I know that Jay adopted a dog. I know that he lived in, you know, a decent size apartment for New York City, but it is in New York City and you didn't have a backyard, so I'm leaning a little. Jay, I don't know that Tony. Tony doesn't have a dog.

[Audience Member]

It's got to be Kim.

[Narrator]

It's not me. We don't have to adopt dogs either in Florida. We just get them during the hurricanes.

[Big J. Okerson]

Nice.

[Narrator]

Swear to God, you get free dogs.

[Big J. Okerson]

Just take off the collar and go, oops.

[Narrator]

You just drive up their highway there in fucking boxes on the side of the road.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You name it. After the hurricane that was happening, dude.

[Audience Member]

The way Americans care about your dogs is absolutely insane. They have like coats and a hospital.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, what do you.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, I'm like, my dog has a tumor, dude. Fuck your dog.

[Narrator]

I will say that.

[Audience Member]

Fuck your dog. My dog's got a weird lump, dude. I have a lump. I ain't going to the fucking hospital.

[Narrator]

Yeah, dude, this is adopting a dog as a white person.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, get a new dog.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, what do you do for dogs?

[Narrator]

We pick them up on the side of the road.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Serious?

[Narrator]

I swear to God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You had a dog that you picked up on the side of the road?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, and then they put him in the backyard.

[Narrator]

People are trying to get rid of them because they have to go find hotels to survive in. And they have, like, dog breeding and they have a bunch of dogs and they start giving them away during the hurricanes every season. If you want a dog, go to Florida. Save a life.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. And then you put them in your backyard, you have them fight. You bet money. It's a whole Puerto Rican thing. It's a fun time, Ari.

[Audience Member]

I would do that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I know.

[Audience Member]

Do they still do that in Puerto Rico?

[Narrator]

Yeah yeah yeah. It's more like cockfights, but.

[Audience Member]

Oh, that's awesome too.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, not that type of cock. He's like, oh, I can cockfight. Yeah.

[Narrator]

Estonia, we just find our own cock in the woods.

[Big J. Okerson]

I gotta say, Tony's been pretty quiet during this one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So high and drunk. That's absolutely retarded.

[Narrator]

I will say he is high and drunk.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's ridiculous.

[Narrator]

We got very high and drunk in the green room.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm gonna start the the voting right now. Big jokers. And I know he's got a dog. I know he adopted it and I know that he has no backyard. So Big J Okerson is my answer.

[Narrator]

I think I'm gonna do that too. I don't think Tony would go to an adoption. Adoption place for a dog.

[Big J. Okerson]

I just let me warn you all that Lewis is a conniving piece of. And this is him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, we know wolf catcher over here didn't adopt a dog if it was you. Wait, wait, is that a tell? When you lie to, you cough. Oh, it's Russia. We cannot help.

[Audience Member]

No, I just remembered that we're supposed to. Okay, yeah, I that up. Like, it's definitely not me, obviously. Right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm going.

[Audience Member]

Estonia isn't even real.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, yeah, you put them in the slot.

[Big J. Okerson]

Well, when you put in the slot, it's your final answer.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hold the rules three times, you drunken, you.

[Narrator]

Yeah, I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Alex.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All of our stories are in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think we've been tricked over here. This might be a recent adoption by Ari. Maddie.

[Narrator]

Oh.

[Alex]

Oh, you guys have definitely been tricked. That story belongs to Tony Hinchcrow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did you expect me to lose?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Clean Sweep, Tony Hinchcliffe, story number one. What did you do with this dog, Tony?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was a. It was a very. It was the tiniest apartment.

[Narrator]

Where's the dog?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Girlfriend was the one that wanted the dog. And of course. And, and we did it. We got a little tiny dog in a tiny little apartment. Unbelievably tiny. I went, yeah, I went online and I googled like backyard. And I literally, I literally, I'm like, I'm not gonna screenshot like the first one. So I scrolled like twice like that, clicked on one screenshot because they wanted a fucking picture. I'm like, I'm going to get this dog. And then they're like, wow, what a perfect yard. Take the fucking dog. It needs saved.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Your. Did your ex take this dog? She has it now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. The dog lives a prosperous, prosperous, unbelievable life. It actually lives in Chicago now. Little Pepper.

[Narrator]

It's the youngest rising puppy.

[Audience Member]

One of the fastest rising, I guess.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It'S like 414 or 15 now.

[Audience Member]

Jesus Christ.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm an old man.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That dog's about to die.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

That dog's not what you're picturing in your head. It's got like a milky eye now. It's got one of those like half wheelbarrows that it's back legs are in.

[Narrator]

It's on its last thought. Like, I just wish I had a yard.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Audience Member]

This dog got.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

They show the picture of the yard to the dog. He's all happy. Me, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It just starts pissing all over. It's doesn't know why it loves the picture of the yard so much. Never seen a yard, never apartment. It's like a kidnapping situation. We. We made sure at that point to torture the dog permanently. No, no, I'm kidding. Jesus God.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, where are our points at?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, when people don't laugh, that means that they truly think it's believable what you just said. So I'm like, yeah, I tortured my dog for 18 years. He's like, okay, next story.

[Big J. Okerson]

Tony Hinchliffe, evil overlord who tortures dogs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. They remained a puppy forever.

[Big J. Okerson]

That's true. Like Jim Morrison, dude. Forever.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Young Alex, where are points at?

[Alex]

On the scoreboard with four points, Tony Hinchcliffe.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's it.

[Big J. Okerson]

That is it.

[Audience Member]

Oh, this is.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Nobody, nobody thought it was Tony Clean Sweep.

[Big J. Okerson]

I always picture Tony having a big apartment. It.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, God, no. Especially then.

[Big J. Okerson]

So dramatic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Especially that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, let's take a quick moment and help out all of our smelliest story warriors out there. And look, if you play the Story wars game at home with your friends or with the game, we know you're sweating. It's a high stakes, crazy, energetic game. And you guys probably are a Little bit smelly at this point. And by the way, deodorant is no longer just for your armpits, but everywhere. All over your body. This is a new thing. A lot of people are advertising this now, but Mando was one of the first people to do it. Total body deodorant for everywhere you have a little crack or crevice, your balls, your grundle, your under tits, your fucking back, your feet, anywhere where you can smell. Mando has you literally and figuratively covered.

[Ari Maddie]

Listen, story warriors, you're fat and your girlfriend probably is too. There's no reason you both have to smell.

[Big J. Okerson]

Terrible.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Very unlikely that you're fat and you have just a smoking hot, unsmelly girlfriend. Let's get real.

[Ari Maddie]

Listen, maybe, maybe once in a blue. Once in a blue.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But the king of queens, the out of here. Look, they have everything. They have cream deodorant, stick deodorant. They have spray deodorant that's aluminum free. All of their deodorants are paraben free. I don't know what parabens are, but they seem like they're nasty little things.

[Big J. Okerson]

Little buggers.

[Ari Maddie]

Go right now. Support the products that support us. Everyone. If you go right now, we have a special offer. If you use code wars [e-mail] at checkout, you're gonna get $5 off that starter pack. And that starter pack is a great way to go. It's over 40% off right now. One more time, shopmando.com code wars at checkout for $5 off that starter pack. Here's to a confident, odor free 2025. All right, let's get back into it, Alex.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Let's do story number two.

[Alex]

Story number two. Me and a friend set up a donation bucket for the homeless. We used the money to buy concert tickets.

[Narrator]

All right, that has YouTube all over it, dude.

[Audience Member]

It does.

[Big J. Okerson]

And I know it's not me, so I think this is Louis.

[Narrator]

Jay loves concerts.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay goes to a lot of concerts.

[Big J. Okerson]

I love concerts.

[Narrator]

He would do anything to go to a concert.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I will say that Kim looks the most homeless up here, so it's believable for her.

[Big J. Okerson]

Well, where Ari's from, everyone's homeless.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well.

[Big J. Okerson]

And no one plays.

[Audience Member]

And we don't set up donation pockets for losers. It's called democracy. Help yourself.

[Big J. Okerson]

Figure it out.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, you.

[Narrator]

I will say this smells of Puerto Rican. Yeah, and it's not me. I don't go to concerts like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're telling me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I've been to. I've been to A lot of concerts. This is a brilliant idea. I will say that this is an amazing idea. I want it to be my idea.

[Big J. Okerson]

It is your idea.

[Narrator]

It is your idea. Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I guess maybe it is. Let's see. Put your vote in.

[Big J. Okerson]

What concert was it?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Incubus.

[Big J. Okerson]

Ah, fuck.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ah, she got me. You piece of shit.

[Big J. Okerson]

Let me tell you how good Louis is this game, though. This probably is him, and it was for Incubus. And somehow, if history serves me correctly, on this show, I will somehow convince everybody else it's not Louis to the point where they'll change their answers and then it'll be Lewis. And then he wins again. And I go to 3 and 32 come every week to lose. To feel bad.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I. To be honest with you, Jay does go to a lot of concerts. I don't believe that Jay would have the balls to go, this is a ballsy, badass guy move. In my opinion. I'll have a really badass real ass dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is the type of thing, a really good looking guy in a baseball cap with a mustache right there. Class act as a great father.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I could see this being Tony Henchcliffe, though. Tony, Seriously. Tony's fucking, like, all classy and rich now. Tony grew up as a piece of shit. Yeah, an actual piece of shit. And he was a shady doing rich.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yes. Do you read Tony as classy? Is that the thing? I mean, it's not even a dig. I just like. It's like, what is he like, pinkies out? Like espresso?

[Narrator]

This is yardless behavior. But.

[Big J. Okerson]

This stinks of Lewis to me. Lewis is a piece of that will step over the homeless to get to a concert that I promise you was a shitty band.

[Narrator]

Lewis, is it you?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No.

[Narrator]

Yes, it is.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Let me ask you, what's your votes?

[Big J. Okerson]

She just so bonded you, dude. She just sold you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay is. Jay's throwing it on me so hard right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know. You know what I'm gonna do here because I like it. I like it like this. I noticed. We looked. We all looked this way the whole goddamn time. And then. And then I realized someone's off. I'm quiet over here. You've never been.

[Narrator]

Never been to a concert.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is even concert? I kill everyone. What is ticket? You mean walk through?

[Audience Member]

What is music?

[Narrator]

We have to consider that. He just said he's never been to a concert. That seems insane.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's crazy. And also, he put up the vote before anybody else, which is typically a tell in this game. Ooh, Ari, Ari, you've really never been to any concert ever.

[Audience Member]

I went to one. It was a Marilyn Manson concert.

[Louis J. Gomez]

How'd you get the money for those tickets?

[Audience Member]

My sister bought them by stealing from.

[Big J. Okerson]

The homeless.

[Audience Member]

Donation bucket in Estonia. Wouldn't work, guys.

[Big J. Okerson]

I would assume that.

[Audience Member]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

Or it would just be filled with shit. You wouldn't want, like a half a sandwich or like.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, they do that here.

[Big J. Okerson]

A big rock. A rock, but a big one.

[Audience Member]

Yeah. Your homeless don't do. They just put up the bucket and just sit there like a fool.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And then Tony picks their name out of it and they come up and get a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

True.

[Big J. Okerson]

Of keeping the homeless on stage for 20 years.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's how it happens. I did notice a guy. I was walking here yesterday and there was a homeless guy that had a camera. Really, really, really, really, really nice camera. And it said, get your picture taken, you know, real quick, professionally. $5 or $10 or whatever. And I. But he's like laying there, like, totally, like, right. Like total homeless. Looks homeless, but with a great camera.

[Big J. Okerson]

Damn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I took his camera. No, I'm kidding. But I thought to myself, it's great when they contribute in some way.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, they should. Like you go to Spain. They're all dancing on a slack line as dressed as Superman. Yeah, yeah. They do shit. Play a guitar. Slack line here is just a shitty sign.

[Big J. Okerson]

I'm going with Lewis. This is Louis J. Gomez. He's a unscrupulous piece of shit. This is what just fucking.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This is what Jay does. He does. He always does bubble letters when it's.

[Big J. Okerson]

Cohen, Cambria or something. You know what? I gotta be honest with you. I don't know if that is a tale of mine. Did I write bubble letters?

[Louis J. Gomez]

You write bubble letters?

[Big J. Okerson]

Very possible.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's when he's nervous. He needs to have extra lines in there.

[Big J. Okerson]

You might be right about. I don't know if that's true, but this is Lewis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm going. Big J Okerson. He was going to see.

[Big J. Okerson]

He knows it's not me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The Insane Clown Posse. And he's trying to throw it on me right now.

[Big J. Okerson]

The only time I saw the insane clown buzz is when you made me go Z. Either.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Big J is my answer.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, they said we can get them red, but they said we can't make them work. This is still your home club, you know.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Kim, you're an idiot. You're an idiot. You're giving Big J.

[Big J. Okerson]

You're not. He's trying to bully you. He's taking advantage of the fact that you are severely inebriated.

[Narrator]

I'm looking at that.

[Big J. Okerson]

I wouldn't lie to you like this.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's Louis.

[Narrator]

Look at me.

[Big J. Okerson]

If it's not Lewis, it's not me.

[Narrator]

Which one of you would lie to me?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, I would definitely lie to you. I have a history of lying to Kim.

[Narrator]

Oh, and I can never read it. Dude, he's really good.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah yeah yeah. She'll buy it.

[Narrator]

Lying is his. Stand up, dude. Okay, that was mean. I'm sorry.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I mean, I'm letting you know right now it wasn't me. I. I don't think it was Ari. I don't think it was Tony. I don't think it was Kim. I genuinely believe it's Big Jay.

[Big J. Okerson]

He doesn't believe.

[Narrator]

Look me in the eyes with your sweet little blue eyes. I'm gonna go. I think it's Louis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You guys are fools.

[Big J. Okerson]

You're right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Idiots.

[Big J. Okerson]

All right, I give.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Big J is just caught up with Tony Hinscliffe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He just caught up with Tony.

[Narrator]

Look at his sweet blue eyes.

[Big J. Okerson]

I can't tell you if this is Lewis for sure it's not me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, you're starting to. It's starting to change.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Right to Tony Hinchcliffe's face.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You didn't set up a donation bucket to get. To get to go to a concert.

[Big J. Okerson]

I've done a similar thing in my life, but not for a concert. I also haven't.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's fucking breaking. You guys are idiots.

[Big J. Okerson]

I'll give you this. I'll give you this fun fact right now. I didn't really go to concerts until I was a little bit older. For sure, I didn't go to concerts.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Young Jay did this when he was 35 years old.

[Big J. Okerson]

You'd be blown away. Oh. Oh, no. Tony, you're up, dude. Oh, you're up.

[Narrator]

Wait a minute. I don't like.

[Big J. Okerson]

You can't change it. You can't.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You can't change it.

[Narrator]

I can't change it.

[Big J. Okerson]

No, Kim, you're safe.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right?

[Narrator]

You're safe. Clan meeting in here. Dude, crazy. Relax.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It'S Alex.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All of our stories are in.

[Narrator]

They went crazy.

[Alex]

That story belongs to Lewis J.

[Audience Member]

Of course it was OB dude, I had that out 15 minutes ago. He was so passionately, I.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It was 100% incubus.

[Narrator]

That's actually the thing that made me vote. When you said, he's probably lying and it's probably incubus, I went, he would do that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Not only that, the cops came and they took our money bucket away from us. Yeah, we. We did it for like three days in a row. We. And we kept on getting more and more money. Like, this is a brilliant idea. Dude, we're so close to incubus tickets.

[Audience Member]

What did you write a sign?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't know. We just. It was like one of those big jugs, like, sold it from my friend's parents house. And we just said, you know, support the homeless or something.

[Big J. Okerson]

There's these little weird.

[Audience Member]

And you look like you do now. And they still gave money?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, I was fatter and more pierced. And yeah, I don't. You know, it was very obvious. People just call the cops on us. They were like, they're not. They're obviously not collecting money for the homeless.

[Big J. Okerson]

I. Me and Lewis, the connective tissue in us is unspoken. It's because I have. That's why I thought it was Lewis, because I went around not for a concert, but collecting money. I was like, if you just knock on doors and say, I'm collecting money for Jerry's kids, they just give you money.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jerry Seinfeld's kids?

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah. But my mom found out and she made me give the money back and apologize to everybody. So I learned my lesson before I got to incubus age. Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. When I asked you, Big J, at the end there that you didn't do this, instead of saying no, you said, I started going to concerts when I was much older in life.

[Big J. Okerson]

Because I could have just lied to you, but I gave you a fact.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay's a really good liar. That's how you cheat on women. You give them facts and figures, and then they're like, yeah, you know what? He's telling the truth.

[Big J. Okerson]

Sure, I saw women last night.

[Louis J. Gomez]

At least I get I got a point there. That was nice. Thank you, Tony. I really did convince you at the end. Alex, where are points at all right.

[Alex]

On the scoreboard with one point, Louis J. Gomez.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Whoa. Thank you, Tony.

[Audience Member]

Wait.

[Alex]

Tied with two points each, Big J. Okerson, Kim Congdon, and Ari Maddie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Two points. That's a lot. Where am I at?

[Alex]

In the lead with, with four points, Tony Hinchcliff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you very much. I'll sit back down. Thank you.

[Audience Member]

I'm so up, Alex, I gotta drink quicker.

[Big J. Okerson]

Story number three.

[Narrator]

Whoa.

[Alex]

Story number three. I had a fake vaccine card made to perform during the pandemic.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Who didn't?

[Big J. Okerson]

I got vaccinated.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Boo.

[Audience Member]

One shot.

[Big J. Okerson]

What if I shot electricity on my fingers? Okay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

His eyes start bleeding.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah. Boo. Boo, You've woken me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Fake vaccine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So it's you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I have. I did get it. Well, for My. I did get the original vaccine, but then for this, the booster. But you needed. I just faked it because there was no way it was a fucking card.

[Audience Member]

Too much stutter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you were in. You got Lewis again.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, well, you will waste your vote on me this time.

[Narrator]

I will say this.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah. Where was Lewis performing that he had to present a vaccine card? That's not. I don't even know how. That's a dig.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, I'm saying where I performed during the entire pandemic. No, me too, but planes by myself. It was great.

[Big J. Okerson]

Me too. But I never had to show a vaccine card. Oh, I guess to travel. I guess.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, to travel. You had to. But in New York, I had to get vaccinated to go to Europe and do shows. So I did get vaccinated the first.

[Big J. Okerson]

Time to perform during the pandemic.

[Narrator]

I think.

[Big J. Okerson]

Is Louis just telling us this is his.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, if you.

[Big J. Okerson]

I'll say it a thousand times. He does this. He goes, this story is me. And I go, don't listen to him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

And then it's him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's trying to incubus us right now.

[Big J. Okerson]

Keep missing me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If I could remember one of their songs, I would have the best reference right now. The. Do they sound like incubus? Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, we'll get to it later. We'll get to that reference later.

[Narrator]

I think that it's Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, in la, people in LA had to be vaccinated to.

[Narrator]

Oh, you were here.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, not during the pandemic. You didn't move here during the pandemic. It was after the pandemic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, I did. Yeah, you're right. Goddamn dead. I got Kim Congdon on this. She was in la. That's.

[Narrator]

Yeah, you're definitely needed.

[Big J. Okerson]

Kim performing with a fake vaccine car.

[Audience Member]

I love how nobody's questioning me just because they're like, vaccine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We don't even know. We didn't even know there was a pandemic. We were out in woods catching wolf.

[Audience Member]

Pandemic. Have you heard of Russia?

[Big J. Okerson]

Soon I'll be writing these letters in.

[Narrator]

Don't write my name down, Jay. I'm telling you right now, it's not me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm writing you down right now. You are a liar.

[Narrator]

I think that it's Jay or Lewis, the Puerto Rican.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Strangely bad at lying tonight.

[Narrator]

No, I'm not. I'm not lying. I will tell you this. I got vaccinated, and then I did the same thing as you. I lied about the boosters because I was like, enough is enough. Yeah. I swear to God. I got vaccinated. I fucking.

[Audience Member]

Enough is enough.

[Big J. Okerson]

And then you took the country back on January 6th. You've been consistent.

[Narrator]

It's not me. It's a waste of a vote.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's gotta be an LA person. It's Kimber. Tony Kimbertoni.

[Narrator]

I think it's Jay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You said that you had one. I think you're incubating us or.

[Narrator]

Yeah, you know what?

[Big J. Okerson]

He's incubating us.

[Narrator]

Yeah. Yeah. I'm going. Louis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wait, is it Big J now? Because why would Big J. Chevy. Excuse me. This is what Jay does. He's. He's overacting. He's changing his school right now.

[Narrator]

Lois. Louis, Is it you?

[Big J. Okerson]

No, that's right. I don't know if. Louis, the vaccine car.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I swear on my son's life it wasn't me.

[Big J. Okerson]

Why? That's not even fun for the game. This is even fun for the game.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's kind of may my son die of COVID 19. If this was me. Or natural causes.

[Narrator]

Actually, I think Lewis would swear on his son's life because he'd want to win that battle.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I want to win this Hillary Ron book so badly.

[Big J. Okerson]

You know what?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm saying it over and over again. I really. Ari, that's crazy.

[Big J. Okerson]

Sure.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think Kim is reading Jay in a weird way right now. Jay, look at me.

[Narrator]

How blue are they? How blue are they?

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's got. The man has beautiful eyes. Has even better eyebrows, but I'm not going to be fooled by them.

[Big J. Okerson]

Talk about my eyelashes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Your eyelashes are pretty. I think Jay is doing a lot of switching up. He's doing a lot of overacting, a lot of fooling people. I'm going.

[Big J. Okerson]

Big J Okerson overacting. How dare you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Big J Okerson is my final answer.

[Audience Member]

Let's see, let's see.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who is it?

[Big J. Okerson]

Alex?

[Alex]

That story belongs to Tony Hinchclaw.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Two stories already. Nobody picked Tony. Nobody picked Tony. Oh, my God. Now put it down. Put it down. Tony.

[Big J. Okerson]

Tony.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Tony, put that book back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you want it, you're gonna have.

[Big J. Okerson]

To win it back.

[Audience Member]

Holy shit.

[Big J. Okerson]

Tony. Are you aware of what you just grabbed?

[Audience Member]

This is crazy.

[Big J. Okerson]

In Living History, With Clarity, I don't trust you anymore. And sincerity. Clinton discusses her significant contributions, including spearheading policy initiatives aimed at children's health and women's equality. The book also tackles the personal struggles and difficult decisions she faced under immense public pressure, highlighting her growth as both a leader and an individual.

[Narrator]

This is my bio for comedy shows.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right. He did two clean Sweeps in three stories.

[Narrator]

You're disgusting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I knocked over. Get up. May I have another Crown and Coke, please? For the young new king of the show. For the crown weighs heavy on my huge head.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You were going to say. You were going to say tiny head. You were going to call your own.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I changed it the last session. Oh, the weight.

[Big J. Okerson]

Oh, Alex, did. Did tone. These mic flags bite cop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys got them before you even got the logos.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's unreal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's no logos, but you should get that thing and. What, did you bring that from your bedroom picture?

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah. For the next two nights, my AC DC highway to Hell blacklight posters lays flat.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, that's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You curious little devil, you evil.

[Big J. Okerson]

Question. Did Tony. Did Tony guess right on the first story?

[Alex]

The first story was Tony's, and he got a clean sweep. Then he guessed wrong. Then he guessed.

[Big J. Okerson]

Okay. I thought maybe he was going for a.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So, Tony, tell us. I mean. I mean, there's not much more to this story, but why'd you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, no, it's easy. I. I wanted to go back to. Or. No, it was something. There was something going on.

[Audience Member]

That's a federal crime. No.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, it was so easy. By the way, I wish I could tell you who got it for me, but I. It was like the. It was the craziest thing. The comic store, the Comedy Store, forced people to have a. A vaccination card I had already lived here for. It took them forever to open. It was like May. Whatever the. Of the next year. Anyway, I was there for something and I called one Mexican. That's what it took. And he's. I'm literally like, I'm checking into this hotel Friday. It's two days away. You could do that. He's like, yep, send a hundred bucks or 200 bucks or whatever. And there was. I. When I.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You just printed it online, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no, no, no. This was legit. They were psychos at the time.

[Audience Member]

They were like actual doctors. That's what we did.

[Louis J. Gomez]

A Mexican doctor would be hilarious.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It would be like on a fucking. On the actual.

[Big J. Okerson]

My daughter made one on her phone to get into a Cheesecake factory.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's unbelievable.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She was trying to. Father. She was trying to find Big J. He was passed out in there.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah. Just surrounded by fucking chicken salad sandwiches. And that bread with the oats on it. Ah, what's that? Oat bread.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But I just thought it was so cool, you know, going back to LA after, you know, performing every goddamn night. Every night, multiple times a night. Here indoors. Going back to la and when I checked into the hotel, it was there.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mr. Hinchcliffe, you have an envelope waiting for you. It was a. That's a Mexican. Had it. Dropped it off at the hotel for when I checked in.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, Texas didn't give a. They just French kissed Covert here, they didn't give a. Dude.

[Audience Member]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And we get it less than anybody. It's you guys that are always sick.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah. Us New York queers wearing our masks and going to the Philharmonic.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, where are points at? I'm furious.

[Alex]

I already know the points on the scoreboard. In last place with one point. Oh, Louis J. Gomez.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Thank you, guys.

[Alex]

Tied with two points each, Big J Okerson, Kim Congdon, and Ari Maddie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. I'm gonna send you guys a picture in my yard and then adopt you.

[Alex]

And in the lead with eight points, Tony Hinch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus. You know, when it rains, it pours. Sometimes life just giveth and giveth and giveth. I have no trouble sleeping at night at all.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Tony cannot miss. Except for Drew Nickens. But besides that choice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, come on. He's a special case. He does a spot every few months.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, Drew rules. I love him.

[Audience Member]

That is true. Tony doesn't miss. I went to Vegas with this guy. He. Dude, I lost two grand in 10 minutes. First time in a casino, by the way. I lost two grand. This guy would. Before we took the flight, the flight was already boarding. You know, in Vegas, they have the machines, the slot machines next to the gate. We Both put in 500. I lose mine. Three pulls gone. This guy, two pulls, 1,200, go straight on the flight.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's because Tony.

[Audience Member]

And he doesn't even.

[Narrator]

I watched him win, like, $30,000 and 40 seconds.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Important is the Netflix deal. I mean, it's unprecedented.

[Narrator]

He has a deal with the devil.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. Part of my deal with the devil is. That's actually from my bedroom. The question mark with the devil horns.

[Narrator]

Yeah, the question mark is his sexuality.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, yes. And it's only for y'all to question, because when I go home at night, I can't even open my door. I have a special dildo detector in which you have to wrap. You have to sit on a. And then it goes, welcome home, sir.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, yeah. A retina scan. A retina scans for broke faggots.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

You do an internal anal scan? Second chamber colon scan. That's security. You can't cartwheel through that. Catherine Zeta Jones, suck my dick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Interior anal scan.

[Ari Maddie]

Real quick, let's thank one of our awesome sponsors over here at Story Wars. And that Is Turtle beach, everybody. Turtle beach saved my ass this year. I'll never forget that. How cool they made me look over the holidays with their amazing products for gamers. Most impressively, the Stealth 700 headset.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm using them right now. The microphone on that I'm speaking through right now is the cell 700. I'm using them to hear right now. You sound better than you've ever sounded, Jay. Okay. Your voice sounds like an angel.

[Ari Maddie]

Thank you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I like the way you made it.

[Ari Maddie]

Deep and you look like an angel wearing them.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm gonna put this on my. I'm gonna put this headphone on my butthole right now and I'm gonna have you start mumbling and humming. It's really incredible. And it's not just the headsets. They have everything. They have a full range of gaming gear that is absolutely top tier quality. This is. If you go to any of the.

[Ari Maddie]

Best somewhere, they are somewhere in the ladder of the of what brought out the new guitar controllers again.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So I'm excited. I know they make incredible products, including the Guitar Hero controllers that I use at Jay's house when we jam out the origin of this show. Story wars doesn't exist without Legion of Skanks. And Legion of Skanks doesn't exist without Guitar Hero. And honestly, Guitar Hero coming back and being popularized again thanks to Turtle Beach. All comes full circle.

[Ari Maddie]

It all comes full circle. Our whole lives have funneled down to this moment. It actually makes sense that Dave Smith is nowhere near us right now. If you go to turtlebeach.com and use code wars right now, you're gonna get 10% off your entire order. 10% off your whole order. @turtlebeach.com with promo code wars with a Z. After you purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about them. Please support the show. Tell them that we sent you. It helps us out so much. And you get the ultimate immersive gaming experience with Turtle beach today. All right, let's get back into it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex. Story number four.

[Alex]

Story number four. When I would go away in the summertime, I would show people a picture of someone I went to school with and say I was dating them.

[Audience Member]

100% Kim Congdon. That's such a chick thing to do.

[Big J. Okerson]

I didn't even. I didn't even bet that's even.

[Audience Member]

I'm dating.

[Narrator]

No. Y'all wish I was that gay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Don't let them.

[Narrator]

Don't let them be sexist about it. One of them is gayer than me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No. When Kim was in high School. She was a.

[Narrator]

So that's not true.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Okay, I. Okay, I take it.

[Narrator]

I lost my virginity at almost 18 and half of it in a Honda Accord.

[Big J. Okerson]

Oh, my God.

[Audience Member]

Half of it?

[Narrator]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

That's a Hispanic miracle. Santa Maria.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you mean, half of it?

[Narrator]

Like, I. I started in a bedroom halfway, and then his mom was gonna come home. We were like, let's just go in the car.

[Audience Member]

Damn.

[Big J. Okerson]

Wow. You like, reverse slotted?

[Audience Member]

Yeah, it usually goes.

[Narrator]

I lost my quick virginity in a bed like a lady, and then I went in a hospital and.

[Big J. Okerson]

You lost your mouth virginity in a car.

[Narrator]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

I didn't even consider Kim. I didn't think. This is a girl. This seems like a guy moved.

[Narrator]

This is a guy move. I would never lie about dating a guy. I could just date a guy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Is a fat guy move. And I. I'm not. I don't want to point anybody on the panel.

[Audience Member]

I'm having second thoughts about Kim.

[Big J. Okerson]

Sucker.

[Audience Member]

It is a fat guy move.

[Big J. Okerson]

Go away.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Where? It's a fat guy move.

[Audience Member]

It's 100% fat guy move.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You went to.

[Big J. Okerson]

How dare. What the is wrong with everybody on this panel? That's crazy. It is a fat. As I'm reading it again, it is a very fat.

[Narrator]

Also, the word summertime is a fat guy word.

[Audience Member]

Yeah. And when I call it the hot.

[Narrator]

Season, summertime, it's like you have a fear of it. You can fucking see the T shirt in the pool when you hear that word.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes.

[Big J. Okerson]

Maybe it's Kim.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, well, summertime was in the bed. Summertime was in the car, so. Hey, that was a good one.

[Big J. Okerson]

Thank you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This kid, I mean, no, Ari, Maddie's a hot European, so I know he's just getting left and right his whole life or this be sick to me.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's. Who went away in the summertime.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, exactly. Go away. What did your parents send you? What?

[Narrator]

Go away?

[Audience Member]

Yeah, go away. That's fat too. Yeah. This guy to camp.

[Narrator]

You know, that's what you say to fat people. Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

You send them for the summer.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You sent them to fat camp.

[Audience Member]

They do come back skinnier. They sweat a lot. They have to run around. There's activities.

[Narrator]

Also going to fat camp and showing a picture of a fake girlfriend. That makes sense.

[Audience Member]

It's a fat guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is a fat. It's a fat thing.

[Big J. Okerson]

God damn it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But you know what story is.

[Audience Member]

But then again, you did try to deflect from Kim, and typical behavior would be you would go deeper into the theory that I'm throwing out. But.

[Big J. Okerson]

Oh, the fat thing really is shell shock. The more you pick at the scab of the story, it does feel fat.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay might vote for himself right now.

[Big J. Okerson]

I should have done this. Maybe the people that I would see when I went away in the summertime would have thought I was so cool.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The only thing is, Jay didn't go to, like, summer camp or anything. And his parents weren't like, like, going away to, like.

[Big J. Okerson]

I went to Jewish. I went to Jewish day camp.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I know, but, you know, you would go visit your father and his other family sometimes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that's true. And fat people are more the catfishing type when it comes to photos. Fat people do with their own bodies what I'm willing to do to adopt a dog.

[Big J. Okerson]

Although I will say I spent time with my father, like, staying at his place four times in my youth.

[Narrator]

You know, that's enough to show a picture.

[Audience Member]

Wouldn't chicks do this?

[Big J. Okerson]

It is. It is enough. Show a picture.

[Louis J. Gomez]

J. Jay showed people a picture of a backyard. And was it.

[Big J. Okerson]

Now let me. Your dog.

[Narrator]

You see how wet the lawn look?

[Big J. Okerson]

There's a huge backyard. So this dog has a plain place to run around. If I catch it, I should be like to it. Look at the size of this yard.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay, I love you.

[Audience Member]

I can totally imagine you being a. Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Her.

[Audience Member]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It wasn't me.

[Big J. Okerson]

It doesn't feel like Lewis didn't go away.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I didn't go away at all. I had nothing. I was just walking.

[Audience Member]

How would you show the picture? There's no phones. Jay, you're like, 47, by the way.

[Big J. Okerson]

Nailed it. Yes, I'm 47.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Really?

[Audience Member]

You're 47?

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

I know men.

[Big J. Okerson]

You should work at a carnival. Those are. You would never give away painted nails.

[Audience Member]

47. I love it. Okay, so when you. So when you were. Okay, 15. This was 1962.

[Big J. Okerson]

Sure.

[Audience Member]

So how would you show the picture? You cut him? No, that's a complete. Not even a PC. Dude, you're pre bc.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

How would you show this?

[Big J. Okerson]

I would trick a girl into getting into one of those booze where the light bulb exploded.

[Audience Member]

Yeah. How would you show the picture in 19?

[Big J. Okerson]

And then I would take it. I would say, this is my gal back home. This is what we're fighting for.

[Narrator]

Jay, is it you?

[Big J. Okerson]

No.

[Narrator]

Look at me.

[Audience Member]

It's gotta be.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think Kim. Kim is being. Kim is being very performative right now.

[Big J. Okerson]

That's what I feel. I think.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Can I change it?

[Big J. Okerson]

Nope.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, you can't. No. It's in my first guess.

[Audience Member]

My first guess. Kim is gonna Be correct.

[Big J. Okerson]

I think you're right.

[Audience Member]

She's a psycho.

[Big J. Okerson]

Kim would. This is a good one. I would have.

[Narrator]

It's crazy.

[Big J. Okerson]

Kim's playing the game great, by the way.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Crazy.

[Narrator]

You think I'd have to make up a boyfriend?

[Big J. Okerson]

I didn't.

[Narrator]

It's so easy for a girl to get a boyfriend.

[Big J. Okerson]

Already explained it. Maybe you were an awkward child, like.

[Narrator]

Spit at them now, Kim.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I. I don't. I don't think the. Look, I would say it's Kim, except for she's not a fat guy.

[Audience Member]

The timeline.

[Narrator]

Jay, is it you?

[Audience Member]

No, I Up.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's Kim that's making you write me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think it's Big J.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's Kim.

[Narrator]

Dude, I'm so scared. It's Tony. It's my.

[Audience Member]

If it's Tony again, it's Tony again.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The show's over. We can't catch up.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, this is a severe problem. Yeah, yeah, this is.

[Narrator]

If it's Tony, vote Tony just to make sure he can't catch up.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, that's terrible strategy.

[Narrator]

Is it? Why? Why would that be terrible strategy?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Tony? Close that book. You don't own it yet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

1982 campaign was a family endeavor, Tony.

[Big J. Okerson]

You're breaking the rules.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We loaded Chelsea's diaper bag and all.

[Big J. Okerson]

Don't just give it away, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can't wait to find out more about that diaper bag in a mere matter of minutes.

[Big J. Okerson]

Oh, is it Tony?

[Narrator]

Is it you? No, it's Jay.

[Big J. Okerson]

What?

[Narrator]

I hope it's not Tony. I really.

[Big J. Okerson]

If it's Tony, we're hard.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's crazy. Tony will be up fucking.

[Big J. Okerson]

It will be insurmountable.

[Audience Member]

Come back to Jay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is what happened with the popular vote. He's right there in front of us. The winner was clear all along.

[Big J. Okerson]

Everyone's answer locked in.

[Alex]

That story belongs to Big J.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes.

[Audience Member]

Fat guy behavior. Fat loser behavior. In 1961, the day in my summertime.

[Big J. Okerson]

So fat it wasn't cool.

[Audience Member]

How would you. But how would you show the pictures? This is a real question.

[Big J. Okerson]

I would go away on the weekends so they can fire hose black people down the street. The year was 1952. 5.

[Audience Member]

A separate fountain.

[Big J. Okerson]

No. I go visit my father in the summer once in a while. And the. The years he would have me and when I would go there, I remember. I bring. I brought a picture of Kim Kropinski. Poor Kim Kropinski.

[Audience Member]

Wait, how? Well, in what form? How'd you get the picture?

[Big J. Okerson]

School picture.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ari, do you not know that pictures existed before phones? Why do you keep saying this?

[Big J. Okerson]

No no, it's a good.

[Audience Member]

It's a good question. How'd you get that? It's creepy if you have a girl's picture, right?

[Big J. Okerson]

In school, everyone would get school pictures and then they would like give, you know, at the end of the year, it's like you'd give pictures with a little note on the back. They were friendly things and I got plenty of those as like, you know. Did you, hey, thanks for being fat and drawing me a picture or whatever.

[Audience Member]

Did you joke, you jerk. Right? Wait, you would draw a jerk off to that picture?

[Big J. Okerson]

No.

[Narrator]

You would draw pictures for girls?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, yeah, dude.

[Narrator]

I had a guy behind me in class that would draw pictures for me. Fat guy. Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fat guy behaviors.

[Narrator]

And then one day he was like, I finished my book. And I was like, I swear to God, I was like 14 years old. He was like, I finished my book and you're in it. And then he gave me the book. And it was the most graphic sexual scene of him eating me out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, that's a solid fat guy eating you out. His fingerless gloves grazed upon my hips.

[Narrator]

It was summertime.

[Big J. Okerson]

His palms were warm.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I wasn't away at the time.

[Big J. Okerson]

No, it was funny. Was the person I was trying to impress with the story was the only kid I became friends with in my dad's neighborhood was a 6 foot 4. And we were young. He's like 13 years old and he was like a 6 foot 5, gigantic fat black kid named Kenny. And I'm showing a picture of a narrow ass, flat 13 year old white girl. And I'm like, this is my girlfriend. He was like, okay, why would I give a shit about this? You can see on the back she wrote, have a great summer and keep in touch. So. Wow, we're probably having sex.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was, what was her name again?

[Big J. Okerson]

Kim Kropinski.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sounds beautiful.

[Big J. Okerson]

A Polwalk girl. Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, my God. This. This was a nice mix up. I don't think Tony got any more. Wait, did you vote for Jay?

[Big J. Okerson]

You know, this is the story. You do know this story? The part of the second part of it. Kim Kopinski at one point came to a party. I had like a graduation party or something at my house. It was over and we held hands, which was a pretty big deal. And then for a fact, we for a fat guy, big deal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pretty fly for a fat guy.

[Big J. Okerson]

At my fattest, I could have Ms. Estonia, I promise you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh.

[Audience Member]

Definitely not. Highest per capita supermodels in the world.

[Big J. Okerson]

You know, I don't think about. You may be completely right about that it is. I have to take your word for it.

[Audience Member]

Our genetics are better.

[Big J. Okerson]

Get put.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Kim Kopinski, super size.

[Big J. Okerson]

Super size me with that supermodel. Me and Kim Kaminsky were chatting on the phone in like, the little kid's way of like, you know, we're a kind of an item now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Narrator]

And then she's like, what would you do if I was there?

[Big J. Okerson]

What? One day she ghosted completely. And after a couple days not talking to her, I saw her brother, who was older than us, riding his bike. And I was walking with my friends, and I don't know why I thought that was the time to go, hey, what's up with your sister? I thought we were kind of like talking, and then she just stopped answering the phone or whatever. He goes, yeah, it's actually kind of fucked up. She really liked you. But then all of her friends were like, you can't fucking be into that fat guy, so that's why she's ghosting you or whatever. And then I was like, that's cool. Fuck her. Anyway, with my friends who were like, not trying to laugh at me hard, it was so awesome.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay is hanging with all black kids, so they really wanted to laugh hard at him.

[Big J. Okerson]

Mooneir Smith was really biting his tongue.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Moone ears.

[Narrator]

Why are you still running away?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got ghosted by a Karpinski dude.

[Big J. Okerson]

Kropinski.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, by the way, if you're wondering when a Polish girl ghosts you, it's during World War II.

[Big J. Okerson]

I will say this, though.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Good job. Joke.

[Big J. Okerson]

I'll say this. I still see her on Facebook from time to time and she's aged like a Krapinski, so I'm fine.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, where our points at?

[Alex]

On the scoreboard. In last place with three points each, the story warriors, Lewis J. Gomez.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Don't you guys always win?

[Big J. Okerson]

No, I never win. 3 and 31.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Audience Member]

Yes, really.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you. What's your record?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Like maybe 16.

[Big J. Okerson]

I think Lewis wins like 60 of the time.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I win a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That seems about.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm a good liar.

[Alex]

Lewis is 14, 19 and 1.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, yeah. Thank you, sir.

[Big J. Okerson]

That's better than a full room. Clap one. Go.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

That was awesome.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Are you. Are you an orthodox Jewish? Legion of skanks. Fish man.

[Narrator]

I've been wondering that all night. I'm so glad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bonkers Legion of Banks. This guy goes to Bank Fest every year. Stage dives into a pile of ones.

[Big J. Okerson]

Oh, just Scrooge McDucks it. Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Dude, that's wild.

[Big J. Okerson]

Make penny angels.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's going to be Doing the goddamn comedy jam. He's singing my to see. No one's allowed to do Kanye here. He's off the karaoke list.

[Big J. Okerson]

Still make him that jewelry, though, huh? God bless him. The Jews.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, continue with the points, please.

[Alex]

Tied for second place with four points each, Kim Congdon and Ari Maddie.

[Audience Member]

Okay.

[Alex]

And in the lead with eight points, Tony Hinchcliff.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's still anybody's game.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's anybody's games. We're halfway through now. We go around, do some plugs, some quick plugs. Ari, what are you plugging, my man?

[Audience Member]

Instagram.

[Big J. Okerson]

Instagram, okay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Just the platform. You guys should try Instagram. I like it. There's pictures on it. You don't even got to print them out.

[Big J. Okerson]

Limewire. Any song? Every song.

[Audience Member]

Well, also.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Three weeks, Tony. This will be out in, like, three weeks from now.

[Audience Member]

Oh, oh, we're already on Netflix. Don't worry. We're already making so much money.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you haven't yet, go watch it. But what I'm here to plug is my new book. It's actually. I say mine because I own it. It's from Hillary Rodham Clinton. It's called Living History or something like that. I think I have a bad angle at it. What is it? Loving or living? Living. Yeah, that's what. That's what I'd like to plug my new book.

[Big J. Okerson]

And also make sure you watch Kill Tony now on Netflix, everybody. Come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you're goddamn right, Kimberly.

[Narrator]

Yeah. Thank you guys so much. Kim Kongdon.com for show dates. Thank you so much. That's it.

[Big J. Okerson]

Bye. Oh, yeah, Big J. BigJayComedy.com for all my dates. First half of my double crowd work special. Them, they is out right now on YouTube part two. They coming out 4:20, so look for that coming out really soon. Man, I need you guys again, so fucking thank you so much. Almost at a million views, so that's fucking amazing.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hell, yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

Look for me to sit near you. And of course, the bonfire five days a week, faction talk, SiriusXM103 with me and the great Robert Kelly. And of course, the flagship show of Gas Digital, the legendary legion of skanks.

[Audience Member]

I don't do enough shit.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Come see me live on the road. Lewisofskangs.com is the tickets. I'm going to Europe in like a month and a half. I'm going to Amsterdam, London, Manchester, Dublin, a bunch of places. Filming a new special in July in Tampa. So get those tickets at my website. And if you love this show, you should know there's an uncensored version of the show that premieres every Monday, every Monday night on Gas digital dot com. Use the promo code war. You get the uncensored version. Plus there's an on demand library at this point. There's at least a dozen episodes that aren't available anywhere else. All uncensored, all ad free, all in one place. Gas digital.com use that promo code WAR. Check out all the other pods, the Regs, Legion of Skanks, and the great Lewis and Zach Show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Good lord. Now I see why you quit smoking weed and drinking. That was very good, Louis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Thanks. Thanks, Tony.

[Big J. Okerson]

Now, I know you probably think that me and Lewis are going to be sulking because we're out of this game, but we're not out of this game. It's still anybody's game because for the final four stories, we go double points.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Audience Member]

Holy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no.

[Audience Member]

This guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Big J. Okerson]

Not yet. Not Mr. Hinchcliff. Not yet.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You may have Madison Square Garden, but we have Hillary Rodham Clinton's living history.

[Big J. Okerson]

It still belongs here until you take it from us. As before, if you fooled somebody with your story, you get one point. If you guessed the correct story, you get two points. Now you get double points. Thank you. Roots. We have the Roots here. They're always off camera. We can't afford them on camera. But thank you to Questlove, Black Thought.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And the boys, they donate their time. They love the show that much that they donate their time.

[Big J. Okerson]

They just come here. They said they have a deal with the Tonight Show. They can't be on camera, but you can see Questlove's little pear shaped ass up there. It's like a bowling pin behind drums. Tell him I said so.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex. Story number five.

[Alex]

Story number five. I lied about being a world class server to get a job at a fancy restaurant. I worked there for a month stealing money while pretending to know all about wine and fine dining.

[Big J. Okerson]

Can I write the word I will say? Can I write Kim seven times like me?

[Audience Member]

I noticed.

[Narrator]

I will will say. Hold on, hold on. I know this seems exactly like something I would do.

[Big J. Okerson]

And I will.

[Audience Member]

It's got to be a chick thing.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, only a woman would consider any server to be a world class.

[Big J. Okerson]

World class. I'm world class.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Who talks like that?

[Narrator]

I need you guys to understand me.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, you're Puerto Rican. Like Pitbull and everything's world. I'm the worldwide. I'm world class. Top of the heat, baby.

[Narrator]

Who believes that? It's not me. I need you guys to know it wasn't me. I did. I was a server at a restaurant. It was not fancy. The only restaurant I ever stole from was the restaurant I love more than anything. The Swamp restaurant. Shout out to the Swamp. Swamp?

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's where Ari lived in Estonia.

[Audience Member]

Most per capita swamps in the world, by the way. Supermodels and swamps.

[Big J. Okerson]

We got it. Supermodels and swamps. You're bound to get laid.

[Narrator]

It wasn't fancy and I didn't work there for a month. I worked there for almost three years until I dropped out to be a comedian at the Swamp restaurant. Is the only restaurant besides this Italian.

[Alex]

From the attack.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You worked at the pancake spot in la? You liar.

[Narrator]

Oh yeah, you're right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, and Lewis thinks a pancake spot is world class fancy.

[Narrator]

World class.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It was a great pancake spot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait a second.

[Big J. Okerson]

You worked at the pancake spa?

[Louis J. Gomez]

What was that place called? The place was delicious.

[Narrator]

The Griddle.

[Big J. Okerson]

The griddle.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ooh, it was good.

[Narrator]

Yeah. Dude, listen.

[Big J. Okerson]

Or the servers.

[Narrator]

I know it sounds like me. I swear to God, it's. This is not me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Whoa, don't do that.

[Narrator]

Why?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Swear to God.

[Narrator]

You swore on your son.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This is Texas.

[Big J. Okerson]

Don't swear on your God or your guns or your government.

[Narrator]

I swear on my abortion.

[Big J. Okerson]

Rest in peace, Kyle. Rest in peace, Kyle.

[Narrator]

So funny to name my abortion Kyle. That is a good giveaway name. You know, you're like, I'm not going to use that again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Little Kyle.

[Big J. Okerson]

Oh, one less Kyle. Boohoo.

[Narrator]

Everyone can agree with an abortion Kyle.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Little Kyle couldn't last a while if people are people.

[Narrator]

People Kyle. He didn't smile.

[Big J. Okerson]

Do people screaming you outside of an abortion clinic as you walk by? You just go, it was a car. It's a Kyle. No, don't stop. Stop jeering.

[Narrator]

It's my intuition is on. It was gonna be a Kyle. Everyone's like, all right, dude, I get it. Even the women with the umbrellas out there, like, go ahead.

[Big J. Okerson]

This kid was about to be a Kyle. Everybody, do not sweat this one.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Tony, were you ever a server?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I was a server at really Nice.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm not talking about with a man in the bedroom. I'm talking about.

[Big J. Okerson]

Oh, wow, dude, wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was world class in both things.

[Big J. Okerson]

Low hanging fruit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, dude.

[Big J. Okerson]

And this show is so fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I worked at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse for years. Yeah, fancy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Fancy for black people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a fancy restaurant.

[Big J. Okerson]

That is fancy. If you're ethnic, that is. Like you saved up a few weeks.

[Narrator]

Ari, what about you? What was your job?

[Audience Member]

Bar Bartending and stealing. So not nothing fancy, but I did.

[Narrator]

Kind of feeling like it's Ari, but Tony would say fancy restaurant. That's a gay thing. You know how he had a fat thing? Fancy. The gay word.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ari Maddie]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

This feels like Tony to me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I do say the word fancy.

[Narrator]

You love the word fancy. I've known Tony for 13 years and I've heard him say the word fancy a bunch of times.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like fancy.

[Narrator]

Yeah, I. I think I'm gonna go Tony with the. But I could also see Ari being like, fancy.

[Audience Member]

It's definitely Kim. I know it's you.

[Narrator]

It's not me.

[Audience Member]

You stood up as soon as he came up.

[Big J. Okerson]

Oh, y.

[Narrator]

Anyway, it sounds just like me and I understand that, but it's a waste. And I think I'm going to go Tony on this one. Ari, is it you? If it's not you, it's not one of these guys. So if it's not you, it's Tony. It's not me. It's either you or Tony.

[Big J. Okerson]

I'm telling you right now, it's Kim or Tony. And I'm going.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I know exactly who it is.

[Narrator]

Who?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm going to put my vote in last.

[Narrator]

Well, that's fine, Ari. I'm telling you, okay? It's Tony.

[Big J. Okerson]

I'm not going to talk about it and I'm going to go last.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Who are you putting, Kim?

[Narrator]

I'm putting Tony.

[Big J. Okerson]

That's what I did. I went with Tony.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I know for a fact that this is Ari. Maddie.

[Audience Member]

What?

[Big J. Okerson]

Ah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Maddie has a working at a fancy restaurant. There are no fancy restaurants in Estonia, so it had to be a lot and.

[Big J. Okerson]

Or was like a ground round or a Bennegan since we don't have any.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was the griddle, Alex.

[Audience Member]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was Pancake place.

[Alex]

That story belongs to Ari, Maddie.

[Audience Member]

You snuff it out, you bastard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm just gonna go with whatever Lewis goes with, so there's no chance he can.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You son of a. You son of a. All right, tell us the story. What else? What else did.

[Audience Member]

I went to Australia and I needed a job at this place called New do you guys had the series called Home and Away? It's an Australian series now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sounds like Shoney's one of the biggest shows in Australia.

[Audience Member]

For some reason it was sold to Estonia. I don't know. Why did you have a. Guys have Comisa recipes? The dog who investigated. Okay, so Commissary Rex. Really?

[Big J. Okerson]

No.

[Audience Member]

Knight Rider. Knight Rider.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Knight Rider.

[Audience Member]

We got Knight Rider, Sex and the City, Game of Thrones all same year after the fucking union collapsed.

[Big J. Okerson]

Wow.

[Audience Member]

Literally Terminator 1 Matrix all at once.

[Big J. Okerson]

Wow. Yeah, that's a lot to lay on people.

[Audience Member]

So there's a space home and away. It's an Australian family. They're going through tough times.

[Big J. Okerson]

If you live in Estonia, I assume you really want the Matrix to be real.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Also, I asked. I asked Ari to tell the story and he just started naming TV shows that came up.

[Audience Member]

Anyway, so. So there was this place in Home and Away they filmed in Noosa, Australia, one of the most beautiful beaches you've ever been in. So I went there and then I got a. There was a Jamie Oliver owned restaurant there and I went for an interview. And the owner slash manager, strong gay guy. And you know, gay guys see a European guy lose their mind.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell me.

[Narrator]

So he's kind of like, yeah, Ari showed up in a Speedo though, so.

[Audience Member]

He'S like leaning me into like, you sure have qualifications. And I'm like, yeah, sure. He's like, you have the H1. I'm like, they have the H1, H2.

[Big J. Okerson]

You know, our steak is almost delicious as an uncircumcised dick.

[Audience Member]

And then I just created a fake email to own a fake restaurant in Estonia and wrote a fake suggestion letter like, this guy's amazing. Took them about a month to figure. Dude, I fucked so many. They were like high roller clients with ten grand bills. And I would really riff cocktails. Like they would say a cocktail name. Hahaha random.

[Big J. Okerson]

Bah bah.

[Audience Member]

It tasted so shit. But you know, part of fancy thing is just selling. You're just bullshitting every wine you're like, it's California summer, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, you're not bullshitting if you're professional and good at it.

[Audience Member]

No, I guess. Yeah. And then, you know, there was another bartender there that was from Slovakia and he goes, listen, I'm stealing money here. This is how you do it. So we will bring our own bottles of booze in a backpack and stock ba ba ba. And you sell 80, you know, $80 fucking cocktails and shit. 20 grand in a month till they figure it out.

[Narrator]

Whoa.

[Big J. Okerson]

What happened when they figured. What happened when they figured it out? Just fired you?

[Audience Member]

Oh, yeah, yeah, they. I mean, none of the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My boss was wolves.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

None of the money made sense. And the gay guy really wanted to believe me, man.

[Big J. Okerson]

Did you flirt? Did you flirt with him a little bit?

[Audience Member]

I always flirt with gay guys. I throw him off. It feels really good, you know, that's.

[Louis J. Gomez]

How he became a killer.

[Audience Member]

Someone after You.

[Big J. Okerson]

Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's all work.

[Big J. Okerson]

You cannot say no to me.

[Audience Member]

Feels good when someone likes you, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's why Lou Lewis has the record for all time appearances as a guest on Tony.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I do?

[Big J. Okerson]

Oh, yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's how I got him. I would flirt with Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You get everything, so you get everything with me. Yep.

[Narrator]

You've never stolen from a restaurant?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I only. I work. I worked at a restaurant when I was, like, 15. I worked at a Mexican restaurant as a bus boy. I didn't have an opportunity. They weren't giving busboys access to any.

[Narrator]

Anything, Jay.

[Big J. Okerson]

Never.

[Narrator]

Wow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was a damn good waiter. I took it very seriously.

[Narrator]

Did you? The restaurant I worked at, I would. If someone ordered, like, five shots, I would tell the bartender to, like, fill them to the top because they were my friends. And then I would split them in half and sell 10 shots cash.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, that's a good one.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Big J. Okerson]

Can I say I've been drinking enough and smoking enough water that I just now realized this guy's not wearing a half top with his belly button out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, look at that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, he's wearing. He's wearing a dirty brace around his stomach.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's a brace, but I thought it was a belly button.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is a wild brace. That's a wild.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes, sir. Is your stomach broken? You got stabbed in Afghanistan.

[Big J. Okerson]

Well, why don't you say that out loud before we start shitting on you, dude?

[Narrator]

That's too respectful.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There was a look that I got when he looked back at me. He's like, you want a piece of this? And there's something cold behind us. He goes, I got, like, in Afghanistan, guys.

[Big J. Okerson]

Great laughs. I'm an American hero, though, so no, have your chuckles. Life's different. I fought for your.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wait a minute. You were in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, it's a little stained. From my blood. For your freedom.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You were in the military and you went to Afghanistan to fight, and then you had a hand to hand combat with you, and they stabbed you.

[Audience Member]

This is like, it's saving.

[Narrator]

All right, I vote this guy is lying.

[Big J. Okerson]

He goes, yo, anyone can make up a story, and anyone can buy a back brace.

[Narrator]

There is real blood on his brace. I will, sir.

[Louis J. Gomez]

How long ago did this happen? Why?

[Narrator]

Are you blood or their blood?

[Audience Member]

No, this one's mine.

[Narrator]

Oh, sick.

[Louis J. Gomez]

How long ago did this happen? 9904 18th.

[Audience Member]

2002.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You can't just get a clean brace at this point. They all get dirty.

[Audience Member]

It's a matter of, like, how much it fits.

[Big J. Okerson]

Can you wear it under your shirt?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's not as good of a story.

[Narrator]

Yeah, you gotta explain why you got brace on already.

[Big J. Okerson]

You should write. It's a great old.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If it was up to him, they would have kept the knife in his abdomen.

[Audience Member]

Exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have the knife?

[Audience Member]

Sent with me from Afghanistan.

Wow.

[Narrator]

Did you kill the guy?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes.

[Narrator]

Hell yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, you killed him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God.

[Narrator]

Hell yeah, brother. This is a warrior, dude. I was 18 years old and like.

[Audience Member]

16 year old kid.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I was a child.

[Narrator]

Oh, you could have just left that out and took the chance. Listen, in comedy you got to take the time. Sometimes you got to shut down.

[Audience Member]

Dude, you have the craziest.

[Big J. Okerson]

You see these kids? Holy.

[Narrator]

It was a blind guy who killed a.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Do you want to. Do you want to play story wars with us? Whoa. I once killed a child, dude.

[Audience Member]

Imagine if this came up as a story.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Like what one time I murdered a child.

[Big J. Okerson]

How old were.

[Narrator]

That's fat guy behavior. That's fat guy behavior.

[Big J. Okerson]

15 or 16. So you bullied an Afghani kid, Was it.

[Audience Member]

It was like 2 o'clock in the morning outside of an AP. We were waiting for a hilo to come in, lift us out. Dude came in like 20 yards away, so we conditioned for him. M16 break.

[Big J. Okerson]

I'm sorry, I'm military. How many clicks was that?

[Narrator]

20 yards is about 60ft clicks. What's he doing this in Africa?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Somebody get this guy a microphone.

[Audience Member]

We told him to get on the ground. He does so, and we started taking sniper fire from a dune about 200 yards away.

[Narrator]

You guys don't see this, but he's getting harder and harder.

[Audience Member]

Sniper fire.

[Narrator]

Okay, okay.

[Audience Member]

So we bury ourselves in the fucking rocks and return fire. And that lasts for 40, 50 seconds. And then the army post behind us starts putting up flares in the air. And it's bright also.

It gets real bright. Okay, okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

I look over and the guy who we've.

[Narrator]

The little kid was like, fireworks.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh my God, Daddy.

[Narrator]

Let's go watch fireworks together.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is the prettiest.

[Narrator]

Americans won't mind. They're good guys.

[Alex]

You know, it's new year.

[Narrator]

They gave us water yesterday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. What could go wrong?

[Narrator]

It's purple, daddy. Just one more purple firework before we go to war again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Since I'm in the middle of making this sandwich, I guess I'll just take the knife with me to and look at the beautiful stars in the sky.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah.

[Narrator]

Nothing could go wrong, Daddy.

[Big J. Okerson]

Okay, okay, now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

By the way, he's now a guy. I love how it Turned into a guy.

[Audience Member]

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Flares are up. Yeah, flares are up.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Go ahead.

[Audience Member]

18 and 16 to have sex and to kill. Just fine.

[Narrator]

You're right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, he's having flashbacks. Fuck.

[Narrator]

Dude, he's. This might not be good.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, right in that Uber.

[Narrator]

His back brace is getting browner.

[Audience Member]

Like up underneath his. His jacket. And I think, oh, he's going for a gun. But I don't have a shot. My. My partner's like between me on the line, so I have to flip around the empty, grab it by the barrel shard, and I run out him and just butt stroke him with the barrel.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And I see his butt stroke. Tony's a pro at that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. I've been butt struck since you started talking.

[Big J. Okerson]

Studio furious. Hollywood butt striker.

[Narrator]

That's a move in the military. We gotta butt stroke these guys. Dude, that's okay. That's what you're saying. You guys are having.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So this child, you're butt stroking him.

[Audience Member]

Continue across the face, jaw just snap out of place.

[Narrator]

That's you hitting him with the butt of the gun.

[Audience Member]

Yeah. So you hit him. Did you already see him pull something out?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not at the time. So then what happened?

[Audience Member]

He drops to the ground. And I'm just. I don't confirm the kid kill. I'm looking, I'm staring up the boat.

[Big J. Okerson]

First mistake.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You always confirmed the kill.

[Big J. Okerson]

You thought you killed him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you not learned a thing, you're.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Gonna end up wearing a dirty back brace for 30 years.

[Big J. Okerson]

While you thought he was standing on the ground, you started singing Credence Clearwater Hail to the Chief.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Woo.

[Big J. Okerson]

That red, white and blue. And he was like, ah, I should have confirmed the kill. It ain't me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It ain't me.

[Audience Member]

He gets distracted.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Y'all are gonna get me my 16 year old scalps. And I want my 16 year old scalps.

[Alex]

I need three scalps.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I need three scalPs that add up to the age of 34.

[Alex]

War.

[Audience Member]

I got distracted up and like tackles me. We go down in a hand to hand. I can't clear my nine, so I took my. My hand and I shoved it up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Through his eye socket.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, my God.

[Audience Member]

Oh, Game of Thrones.

Until like he started twitching and flopping. So I roll them off of me and I'm like trying to stand up and my legs don't work. I look down, they this massive knife sticking out of my chest underneath my.

[Narrator]

Whoa. And I'm like, this was like dating Lewis.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's a lot. Dude, I was there. I was there. Dude, I got stories.

[Narrator]

My thumb switches.

[Big J. Okerson]

I was there.

[Audience Member]

I lose my shit like you. You don't feel it, but you start thinking, oh, fuck. Oh, fuck, I'm dying. I'm dying. And my survey partner slams me on the deck, and he's like, leave it in. You can't take it out.

[Narrator]

That's what Lewis said.

[Big J. Okerson]

Our point being, you're both survivors.

[Narrator]

I wear a back brace for a different reason. Now.

[Big J. Okerson]

This is an undershirt brace, sir.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's telling a great story. Shut the up, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on.

[Narrator]

This is an American hero.

[Audience Member]

The story too many times.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's bored with it. He's like, move on. You killed a child.

[Big J. Okerson]

He's like, great. Are you gonna help me open up this comic book store or what? Blah, blah, blah. Tell it to your shrink, bro. Are you gonna give me a VA loan for this thing or what?

[Narrator]

He ordered a Sex on the Desert to drink.

[Audience Member]

And, like, I'm convinced. I'm dying. I'm trying to, like, tell. Here's the letter from my girlfriend. You gotta tell my kid I love him. This document package has to go to the colonel. And then there's wind.

[Big J. Okerson]

You knew the guy you were telling it to was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mm. And my. Tell my wife I love her. Okay, sure. Got it.

[Audience Member]

And then there's wind and light. I'm like, this is. This is how it ends. And then all of a sudden, this dude who's, like, shaved in the last day, he's like, don't worry, Corporal. We got you. Shoves this massive needle in my throat. It's the kilo coming down the land in the lights. And then I'm out. I wake up three weeks later in Lanso, Germany.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Audience Member]

Wait, but that guy was dead. Huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You woke up in Germany. That's. I woke Jew's worst nightmare.

[Big J. Okerson]

That is fun, by the way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The Jew. The Jew would have woken up in Germany, been like, oh, no, I'm in.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hell, by the way.

[Narrator]

Send me back to Afghanistan, by the way.

[Big J. Okerson]

None of us were there. This guy just could have fell on his own knife and made that whole story up in the Med.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, the story started. T. Tapered off at the end in terms of excitement, too. I was like, all right. Finish the story, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Narrator]

I would have never said. He was 16.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah. He's like, I killed the guy. And then, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a great story, but it was a soldier. It was a young soldier, or it was a civilian.

[Big J. Okerson]

Hey, dude. In Africa, a Five year old?

[Narrator]

Hey, don't ask, brother. You just butt him in the face.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, stop asking this guy questions. For the love of God, Alex, where are points at?

[Narrator]

This is exactly how we deal with stuff like this in America. But for the beginning, just back to gay fancy stuff.

[Big J. Okerson]

To get back to the original point, the original point.

[Narrator]

Let's stop thinking about the innocent kid that died, please. Alex. Next. Sorry.

[Alex]

On the scoreboard, with three points, in last place, Big J. Okerson.

[Big J. Okerson]

Suck my dick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. The fat guy behaved year.

[Big J. Okerson]

That is classic fat.

[Narrator]

That's so summertime.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Suck my dick.

[Big J. Okerson]

That's so exhausted in the hot weather, Alex.

[Alex]

In fourth place with four points, Kim Congdon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Narrator]

I'll take fourth place.

[Alex]

In third place, with seven points, Lewis J. Gomez.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Alex]

In second place with eight points, Ari. Maddie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. That's so many points. He should get the book, right?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wait a minute, Alex.

[Big J. Okerson]

Seven.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right. Yeah, we. I waited three before, now seven. All right, go ahead, Tony, tell us. Dumb score.

[Alex]

In first place with 12 points.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Alex]

Tony Hinchcliffe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Still anybody's game.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Give him his book. Give him his book.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The fuck is wrong with you people?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're with me now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Pieces of shit.

[Big J. Okerson]

We're not just gonna give him the book.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We have three more stories.

[Big J. Okerson]

Hillary Clinton's memoir, Living History, chronicles her compelling journey through the world of politics, public service, and personal challenges. Her commitment to advocacy and reform is evident through detailed discussions of her legislative efforts, efforts and humanitarian projects. With thoughtful introspection, Clinton examines both success.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let me cut you off.

[Big J. Okerson]

Offering valuable insights.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm going to win that book. You know what I'm going to do with it? I'm going to tuck it into the front of this guy's back brace. And if anyone tries to stab him, that book is going to block it. And it's going to make up for one of the soldiers that she killed in Benghazi. Every time. She's actually going to be stopping death instead of causing it for the first time in our life. Look at that.

[Narrator]

That's beautiful.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, Jay, let's take a quick moment and talk about crowd health, which is a great, great service. We all know that health insurance is broken, okay? Premiums are increasing, deductibles are getting larger, and claim denials are becoming more and more common. The headache of health insurance is exactly why crowd health was created. It's not health insurance. It's just a better way to pay for health care through crowdfunding. Crowd health gives their members the freedom to efficiently and affordably break free from the antiquated insur and into the healthcare option that fits your needs.

[Ari Maddie]

The insurance companies don't give you any kind of peace of mind. Crowd health does. That's why for a $50 a month subscription, you get the included tools and services you need to get the highest quality health care. You get access to telemedicine, visits, discounted prescriptions, and so much more without doctors networks messing everything up. Plus, you're going to have access to your own personal care advocate who's going to help you navigate the complexities of health events and even negotiate bills on your behalf, which is nuts.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, this is, you know, hilarious. This is a great company. And, you know, obviously in the middle of this comedy podcast, this is really just making. Making the mood even lighter, in my opinion. What I'm thinking about how great they are to help you sourcing your health care.

[Big J. Okerson]

Wow.

[Ari Maddie]

And you can get started today for just $50 a month. Go to joincrowdhealth.com wars with a Z warz to get the health care that you deserve. One more time, join Crowd Health Health.com wars with a Z. Crowd health is not insurance. Learn [e-mail] that's joincrowdhealth.com Wars. All right, let's get back into it.

[Big J. Okerson]

Alex. Alex.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Story number six.

[Alex]

Story number six. In the last year, two of my family members have lied about having a serious form of cancer.

[Big J. Okerson]

What the fuck kind of crazy shit is that? Yeah, that sounds foreign.

[Audience Member]

We don't believe in cancer.

[Narrator]

No, you can't use that now.

[Big J. Okerson]

I actually heard cancer over the highest by population. Cancer. Estonia.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Look, I've met members from Kim's family, and they are lying pieces of garbage, a lot of them. And I. I'll tell you right now, this. This is definitely a Puerto Rican Florida type of behavior, in my opinion.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I agree.

[Narrator]

It's not me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I agree. It's port. It seems Puerto Rican to me, too.

[Narrator]

And yeah, Puerto Ricans don't get sick like that. We're in the sun. Dude, I'm serious. Have you ever seen a Puerto Rican? They look so healthy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I know. They're lying, kid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, they lie about having cancer.

[Big J. Okerson]

I'm throwing up an early guess because I have pissed so bad I'm going to cry.

[Narrator]

I think it's Ari. I saw his face as soon as we read the thing. I think it's Ari.

[Big J. Okerson]

No, but talk it out more because I have to piss so bad. Bad Louis vamp.

[Narrator]

Not picking it up yet, but it's definitely not My family.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Kim. I mean, I can see your mom doing this. I can see your dad doing this.

[Narrator]

Let's not bring moms into this, Louis. I could see your mom doing this. Didn't you say your mom died of cancer?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, she had cancer and killed herself.

[Narrator]

With the last year, that wouldn't be your mom.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So instead of. Instead of letting the cancer take her, she committed suicide via needle. Yeah. It is pretty. That's what she used.

[Narrator]

Yeah. The needle was metal? Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Mrs. Gomez, she's watching.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They let you watch story wars in Hell. That's why we have that logo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that's it. Is mom watching?

[Narrator]

Well, okay, it can't be Lewis because he doesn't have a mom and. Oh, okay. It's not.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's not just moms. It's any family members.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did I do that when I.

[Narrator]

Two of my family members. What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I messed up the curtain when I stole the book. It was before that, when I went in the middle and soaked in extra applause. Oh, it was Lewis. Perfect. That sounds about.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'll do whatever the I want to do. Wait, is Joe here? Is Joe Rogan watching right now? I won't do anything I want to do. It's fine, Joe. He just hits me in the neck with a fucking bow and arrow. Yeah, I mean, my instinct is Kim Congdon. I feel like your family is a little bit trashy. They're. They're, you know, they want attention.

[Narrator]

I feel like this is your family, Kim.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Seriously, is this one.

[Audience Member]

This is Puerto Rican behavior.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is this yours, Rich?

[Audience Member]

Ari, relax.

[Narrator]

I wrote Ari down first and I'm gonna go with Ari. I felt like it was Ari immediately freaking out.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Her handwriting's all scribbly and wet.

[Audience Member]

It's Lewis.

[Narrator]

Yeah.

[Audience Member]

No, it's gotta be Lewis.

[Narrator]

Oh, I can't think. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God.

[Audience Member]

Wait, the fat guy had to pee first.

[Narrator]

Don't waste it. Loose. It's not me.

[Audience Member]

Don't they have, like a bigger.

[Narrator]

I think it's already.

[Audience Member]

Seriously bladder or something.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wait, is it Big J? Did Big J just leave so. He didn't have to. We didn't have to see his face.

[Narrator]

I think it's Ari.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wait a minute, hold on. This could be big jarbage. And they're probably fat, so they're sick.

[Audience Member]

You're right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's believable. You can't clearly see the tumors on.

[Narrator]

Fat people thinking you have cancer. That's fat problems. That's what I'm saying. My family's like, no, I've really done.

[Big J. Okerson]

My best to lose weight. I. I used to not be able to sit in this shirt. Hey, have you guys ever pissed? This is weird. I'm just looking for a friend in the world here. Have you guys ever pissed?

[Narrator]

I wish I could.

[Big J. Okerson]

And then you're not pushing piss anymore. Like, you're like, I'm done pissing. But there's still piss coming out.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, it's because you're 47, dude. Yeah, welcome to being in your 40s.

[Audience Member]

That's rough.

[Big J. Okerson]

I was like, I'm done pissing. But I'm looking down, there's still piss.

[Audience Member]

Jesus.

[Louis J. Gomez]

My final vote is big J. O Christ.

[Big J. Okerson]

You're a sucker and a half.

[Audience Member]

We up. We all up.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex.

[Alex]

That story belongs to Kimberly.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I change it from Kim. I knew it was Kim. I knew it was your trashy ass family. Which family members?

[Big J. Okerson]

Two of them?

[Narrator]

Yeah, both my parents.

[Big J. Okerson]

Shut up.

[Narrator]

Well, it's like less like lying and more like confirming before they check to, like, kind of lie, like, to kind of be like.

[Big J. Okerson]

But they've spread the word that, like.

[Narrator]

Spread the word that they have cancer and it's over. My dad was like, it's this last week, he was like this. And trust me, I'm not going out with cancer. I'm going out with an explosion. And I was like, I gotta go.

[Big J. Okerson]

What does that mean?

[Narrator]

I don't know.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's what that guy said to that guy right before he stabbed him.

[Narrator]

But he was just coming. Too many bad guys anyways. Yeah, it's. It's a very exaggerated form of health worries.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Narrator]

Where they just call and go, this is the end.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And what is your mom saying?

[Narrator]

Call us and say goodbye. One time she called, she was like, I have cancer. And she was like, don't tell your sisters. And I was like, oh, my God. And I cried for two days. And then my boyfriend was like, call her again and ask, like, about details. And I was like, what did the doctor say? She was like, well, I haven't went yet.

[Big J. Okerson]

But my shoulder feels funny.

[Narrator]

I just know Kim. This is. Sometimes it feels like the end.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She also has a thick Puerto Rican accent. It's hilarious.

[Narrator]

Yeah. Kimberly, listen. Something very bad happened. I need to tell you something. I leave you a little bit of insurance. It's not mine much. You gotta pay off my bills first. There's some stuff to take care of with my sister. Pedo. Listen.

[Audience Member]

That's hot.

[Narrator]

This is the end, you know? I had cancer.

[Audience Member]

That's so hot, dude. A Puerto Rican girl talking about dying.

Oh, my God.

[Big J. Okerson]

She gave. She gave a piece of Paper with her last wishes. Like, this is the DJ I want at my funeral.

[Narrator]

Yeah, they're both like very dramatic where they call me and say it's the end a few times. And I. I keep believing it, dude. I'm like the most gullible person ever. I'm like, this is it. Say goodbye, Lo. Yeah, so that's it, Lo.

[Big J. Okerson]

That's a. That could be a bit of a shakeup right there.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It is a little bit of a shake up. Alex, where are points at?

[Alex]

On the scoreboard with three points. Big J. O.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, what was that?

[Big J. Okerson]

Three wins.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That was. That was that guy blowing his nose.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God. Thank God. I thought this guy farted out of his stab wound.

[Big J. Okerson]

Oh no. The trachea. The tracheotomy of stomachs.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Go ahead. Alex.

[Alex]

With seven points. Louis J. Gomez with 10 points. Kim Kongden and tied for the lead.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God.

[Alex]

With 12 points each.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How dare you strike down your master.

[Audience Member]

I have some I ideas of my own, Tony.

[Big J. Okerson]

Ari, your journey to the dark side is almost complete.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Narrator]

Wow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's still anybody except for Big J's game.

[Big J. Okerson]

Shut the up. There's. What if both stories are mine. I have a clean sweep twice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm.

[Big J. Okerson]

You don't know. You don't know yet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm dam.

[Big J. Okerson]

I should have took a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Alex, you take a. And you stop pushing out the keeps coming up.

[Big J. Okerson]

Think it's got something to do with my age?

[Narrator]

Oh my God, J.

[Big J. Okerson]

God damn it. That looks bad.

[Alex]

Oh, number seven.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm sorry.

[Alex]

My mother was secretly having sex with a long haired man when I saw him. She told me it was a female friend having sleepovers.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's not me.

[Narrator]

Wait, I don't know. Jay's mom.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay's mom?

[Big J. Okerson]

My mom didn't secretly have sex.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, your mom was out there. She was a single mom for a few years.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, no doubt.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I can see this happening easily.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was your mom banging a little bit? Big J.

[Big J. Okerson]

No doubt. But mostly cops. No long haired men. There was no long haired men in the mix that I could remember at all. A guy named Ron who punched our fucking front door in while my mom had my stepfather up there fucking him the first night she met him. Yo, My mom fucking got. Damn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you get to hang with the cops when you were younger and eat donuts?

[Big J. Okerson]

No donuts. Which would have been great. No, my mom fucked cops and DJs. But the DJ would like. Would be like I'd go home from school.

[Louis J. Gomez]

A short haired dj. Likely story.

[Big J. Okerson]

He did have short hair. JR this isn't me, but my mother.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay's giving a lot of details.

[Big J. Okerson]

Once again, my mother had sex for sure, but there was no secret about it. We were in a very small apartment. I was aware she was having sex.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Were your parents together, Ari?

[Audience Member]

Everyone's dead.

[Big J. Okerson]

I believe him.

[Audience Member]

It's true.

[Big J. Okerson]

Under rubbles, my guess.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, and not like a cool death long.

[Narrator]

I think this is Lewis. Wasn't your mom having a lot of sex?

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, but no secrets. Also for money and sometimes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, my mom. But by the time I was old enough to. To like see anything, my mom was borderline celibate. She didn't really date any guys. There was one guy named Izzy that she was banging.

[Big J. Okerson]

What? That's a girl's name?

[Audience Member]

Yeah, that's a long haired guy. Long haired name, looks like a P.

[Narrator]

Looks like a chick.

[Audience Member]

Looks like a chick.

[Narrator]

And he did that? Yeah, he's doing the thing with the band again.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's what I said. Somebody was like, that guy's bang your mom. I was like, izzy.

[Big J. Okerson]

Oh, nice. That joke is not going to throw me off though. While it was fantastic.

[Audience Member]

But what do we think about Tony? Tony? What do we think about Tony?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Tony? Were your parents together? They were. Right? No. Divorced. And your mom was hot. You said you submitted and your father.

[Big J. Okerson]

Was a mobster and your mother would have to hide having sex with a long haired guy. It's Tony, boo.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, it could be Tony.

[Narrator]

Is it you?

[Audience Member]

It's Louis or Tony.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's Louis or Tony. I agree with you, but again, not Lewis, because there's no secrets. She was a. A whore.

[Audience Member]

A whore. A whore. My mom was a whore too.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She was, wasn't. She was not a single mom when she was raising me. She was a. Before she was raising.

[Big J. Okerson]

You know, my mom was a. Yeah.

[Audience Member]

You got to have a slut.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Your mom's a happy bunch of guys for nothing. For the love of the game.

[Big J. Okerson]

For protection of our house. Yeah, like there's cops constantly in and out of that place and in and out of that place, if you know what I mean.

[Audience Member]

A.

[Big J. Okerson]

Sorry, Terry, I love you.

[Audience Member]

A mom who doesn't get dick is a miserable moment. Mom.

[Big J. Okerson]

And my mom was pleasant.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, Mom's got to get.

[Big J. Okerson]

And my Jewish mother was willing to go knees behind the ears to get Christmas into our lives.

[Audience Member]

100%.

[Big J. Okerson]

Go, Terry. It was going to be Hanukkah for us all the time.

[Audience Member]

I put Lewis. Yeah. Because of the deflection. Because of the.

[Big J. Okerson]

And Louis is saying me and I know he thinks I didn't put it in yet.

[Audience Member]

So all our moms were horse. That's crazy. Yeah, you can totally see our moms were.

[Big J. Okerson]

Is anyone's mother an active?

[Audience Member]

Still dead, but she might get.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, my mom's alive. She's been my stepfather for a long time before that. Man, she got down.

[Audience Member]

Yeah. Even with my stepdad. My mom would.

[Narrator]

Yeah, I think I'm going with Lewis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Big J. Okerson is the answer. Very obviously you're. You're letting Big J.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's a tiebreaker here, right? Because I don't want to go with the same.

[Louis J. Gomez]

There is. There is a tiebreaker. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, then I'm just going with the right answer.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Neither one of you guys got points just now. Well, just so you know, because it's Big J.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's not though.

[Audience Member]

Holy.

[Big J. Okerson]

You'll see that if it's Tony.

[Louis J. Gomez]

If it's another Tony story, I'll kill myself.

[Big J. Okerson]

Break Lewis's heart.

[Alex]

That was Kim Con's story.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Nobody guessed. Kim. I think Kim just pulled the head. Alex, or whatever your name is. Kim.

[Big J. Okerson]

No, you gotta tell story. Tell a story first.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, that's what I'm saying. Kim, what happened here?

[Narrator]

Yeah, my dad was a fisherman and he would go out for months at a time. And I was just very, very young. I barely remember this. I remember walking into my room and seeing a long haired person. And then. And then my mom being like walking out and being like. You remember my girlfriend that spent the night and trying to like gaslight me into thinking it was like her friend that was sleeping over? And then when my dad asked me was there another man here, I was like, no, but I think mommy had like a long haired girl here.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And that girl was.

[Narrator]

And my dad was like, I know you're tight, bitch. And yeah, he figured it out. Out.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, your dad had long hair too, man.

[Narrator]

Dad had long hair, so he knew.

[Big J. Okerson]

But dude, every time you tell a story, it becomes more and more evident how you fell into Lewis's arms at one point.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, your mom was a real ass, dude.

[Narrator]

Yeah, no, she is.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She still is.

[Audience Member]

Damn.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, if that cancer.

[Audience Member]

What did you hear sounds from the bedroom or something?

[Narrator]

No, no, no, no, no. She wasn't like a pig, dude. She kept it in her own terms. She was a great mother. She just liked to. Okay. Get off her ass.

[Big J. Okerson]

Those things aren't mutually exclusive.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, where are our points at? God damn it.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, this is bad, huh?

[Alex]

All right. On the scoreboard, in last place with only three points.

[Audience Member]

Holy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's one of the lowest scores in Story wars history. It's nearly impossible to get three points.

[Narrator]

In Story Wars, Ty.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Saddest part of this is he's still pissing right now.

[Big J. Okerson]

I don't think I am, but that means nothing.

[Alex]

Apparently tied with Column Terrell for the lowest scorer in Story wars history.

[Audience Member]

Oh, my God.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You got to get.

[Alex]

Big J Okerson.

[Big J. Okerson]

Wow. I got in an Uber at 4:30 this morning to get here.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Go ahead, Alex.

[Alex]

With seven points, Lewis J. Gomez.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Okay, it's okay. We may be losing this book, but it's okay.

[Big J. Okerson]

That book is walking out of our lives.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are we tied for second place?

[Alex]

Tied for second place with 12 points each.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Alex]

Tony Hinchcliffe and Ari Maddie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My God.

[Alex]

And in the lead with 18 points.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

18, Kim Carden. Oh, my God.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We gotta go over these points, not over K. Stop licking the pages. We don't know where we got this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what I do.

[Big J. Okerson]

Not where that book was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what she thinks you do with books.

[Big J. Okerson]

And I think it's safe enough to say that that major shift in the game. Brought to you by double point. Thank you, R. Roots.

[Narrator]

I'm getting into it now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Holy 18 points.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They got really wet. I knocked him over when I stole the book. It's soaking.

[Narrator]

I feel like my mom's underwear with a long haired guy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, Jay, let's take a quick moment and thank Cornbread Hemp for supporting today's show. We love Cornbread Hemp. They make incredible THC gummies and THC free gummies as well. So I like using the ones that go to sleep. The sleep time gummies are 25 milligrams of CBD and 1 milligram of THC. So very, very low THC. So you don't gotta get high sugar to bed. Really, really. With a great full rest. This is my favorite thing to take before I go to bed. But they have incredible products, guys. If you guys are trying to cut back on alcohol, my doctor when I was smoking weed, he was like, dude, don't smoke it, just eat it. It's a way healthier way to do it. All right, don't drink. You're poisoning your body. THC gummies are the way to go. And a lot of people are switching from a lot of their other crap and switching over to THC gummies.

[Big J. Okerson]

Gummies.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Cornbread Hemp is America's only USDA organic THC gummy. That's it. They're the best one to one ratio of THC and CBD in a lot of their products. And it's real THC with no synthetics. This is 100% legal hemp with fast and free shipping right to your door. Jay.

[Ari Maddie]

Oh, yeah. Alcohol does not have to be your default anymore. Whether you're doing dry January or just looking for a healthier way to relax and have a guilt free good time.

[Big J. Okerson]

You got Jay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's April.

[Ari Maddie]

Huh?

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's April. You said whether you're doing dry January.

[Ari Maddie]

Yeah, but just in case you decide to do it, do it. Whether you guys are doing dry April or just looking for a healthier way people believe dry apple's a real thing. We're just looking for a healthier way to relax and have a guilt free good time. Try Cornbreads THC Gummies right now. And Story wars listeners can save 30% off their first order by going to cornbreadhemp.com wars with a Z W, A R Z and use the code wars at checkout. That's cornbreadhemp.com war wars, code wars, Cornbread, Hemp. This is the good life. All right, let's get back into it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Let's do our last story.

[Alex]

Story number eight. I once meant to send a text to my friend telling them to lie to the person I was dating about where I was.

[Narrator]

Lewis.

[Alex]

I accidentally sent it to the person I was dating.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's me or Lewis. It's me or Lewis. Lewis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think everyone has this story.

[Big J. Okerson]

I've done it.

[Narrator]

No, dude, I'll tell you what a.

[Big J. Okerson]

Funny list would be. The. The next text you send when they go what? You go around. Dummy. That's the name I wish you had.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean.

[Big J. Okerson]

I mean, this is me or L.

[Audience Member]

Just so you guys, watch out. This. This might be donor me.

[Big J. Okerson]

Sure.

[Audience Member]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's all of us.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I really think everyone's done this before. Accidentally sent it 100%.

[Audience Member]

Yeah, I did it last week. I literally did it last week.

[Narrator]

Yeah, but I've never done last week to a comedian. Genuinely, I believe her. I haven't.

[Big J. Okerson]

Cuz I want to believe her.

[Narrator]

I'm telling the truth.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She's lying to her boyfriend right now. He's watching.

[Narrator]

I love you, baby.

[Big J. Okerson]

I just love going to the library. Library for two hours every other day.

[Narrator]

And smelling like a black dude when I get back. I'm kidding.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I said I was kidding.

[Narrator]

I'm dating in my entire life. I do believe.

[Big J. Okerson]

I do believe her.

[Narrator]

No, I've never lied to a guy I was dating. I've never lied to you.

[Big J. Okerson]

If she was gonna lie, she would have lied to you.

[Narrator]

Never lied to you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I Don't know. Maybe not.

[Big J. Okerson]

Most deserve to be lied to.

[Narrator]

I genuine. I've never lied to you. We've been friends for 13 years. I've been very honest with you. I don't lie well. I've never dated you, but we're very close friends. I've never lied to Jay. All right. We just met. I feel like I have to lie to you because I don't trust you, but. But you're a foreigner, dude. I don't know. I'm kidding. No, I. I think it's to you too.

[Big J. Okerson]

I'm going Lewis. This feels like Lewis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Big J, I don't want. Look, Big J is a liar. Big J was in a full fledged other relationship while he was with his wife.

[Narrator]

He is doing the bubble letters. I will say he's doing the bubble. He's doing the bubble letters for the first time even.

[Big J. Okerson]

I've looked to see if there's consistency in that theory. There isn't. Sometimes I'm just feeling bubble letters. Dude, I'm an artist. I like to tag.

[Narrator]

I once meant. I once meant. Who would say. I once meant. That's a very specific way to talk. Right? Almost like you feel like a young king. I once meant.

[Big J. Okerson]

Ooh.

[Narrator]

Because people write kind of how they talk. That's what I've noticed in this. They write it in the way that they talk a little.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ari, can you read this?

[Narrator]

That's why Ari said fancy. Fancy.

[Audience Member]

Like, read this.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Read this out loud.

[Audience Member]

I once meant to send a text to my friends. No, no, come on. I'm just reading it. It's telling them to lie. The person I was dating about where I was. I accidentally sent it to the wrong person I was dating. This is all correct. Perfect read.

[Big J. Okerson]

Perfect read, though. But I'm this. I'm mathematically fucked on this game.

[Audience Member]

Who hasn't done it? Oh, my God. God, that was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I once meant it to send text to. No, I. I mean, dude, it could.

[Audience Member]

Be Tony too, it seems.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I once meant to send a text to my friend telling. I've done that so many times about where I was.

[Audience Member]

Type the name into the context you're talking about.

[Narrator]

Willis. Did you do this?

[Big J. Okerson]

The fact that everyone over to the table, standing up.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I have a story very, like, very much like this, but it's not this.

[Narrator]

Who are you voting for?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Either Big J or Ari.

[Narrator]

Wow. Why?

[Big J. Okerson]

Because it's one of us?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Because I genuinely think it's one of them. I know Big J's dating history and this could just be a. A. A natural flub. Especially when Jay was married. That was when you had us like press the button three times to write a letter. So that was a whole to do.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, that was pretty much before I go. It took me a long time to write. You just read was for somebody else. But just take her name out and put your name in it because it.

[Audience Member]

Does say text and J is very old.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, I would call it sms.

[Audience Member]

Yeah. Pigeon letter, my friend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is you. It's you.

[Big J. Okerson]

Shit. It might be Ari.

[Narrator]

Is it you, Ari?

[Audience Member]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. I'm gonna let Kim guess. Cause I don't want her to just copy me and stay in the lead. I'm gonna play strategy. I'll stay here all night.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, here's the thing. Unless somebody takes a clean, Kim is winning this. So we. We can try to get somebody to win this game right now and everyone can vote for the same person. And then that person could take over Kim's thing.

[Big J. Okerson]

I'll be honest with you. I don't know what the.

[Narrator]

You just want anyone else besides me to win.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I want to be. I want to be.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We can never have a female story Warrior. Impossible. It's not going to happen. Not today. Not with Hillary's book. This is going to a man, but it's the last thing I do.

[Narrator]

That's crazy.

[Audience Member]

It might be Tony.

[Narrator]

Dude, I think it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think Ari's acting now and. Or is trying to take it off.

[Narrator]

Yeah, his text, when he read it, it sounded so natural. But I could also see Big J going. I once sent a text and starting to light a cigarette.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think it's. It's. I think it's Big J. But I'm. I have a feeling it's Ari. Just because he's trying to throw it to different people after he's already voted for no reason.

[Big J. Okerson]

The only reason it might be Ari is because he doesn't know that everyone's got the story.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, Ari. Maddie, that is my vote.

[Big J. Okerson]

I guess it's not me because none of this reads as a fat thing.

[Audience Member]

This isn't a fat thing. Who are you sending to?

[Big J. Okerson]

It seems like any size person could do something like this.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Technically, your fat thumbs could have hit the wrong name.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's not bad. It's not bad logic.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Who'd you vote for?

[Big J. Okerson]

Me?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

Who did I vote for?

[Louis J. Gomez]

You don't even remember you. We got three votes for Lewis, two votes for Ari. Alex, whose story is this?

[Alex]

This story belongs to Louis J. Go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Big J. Okerson]

You didn't even pushed me away too far because you wanted me to get A couple points.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I want you to be the same as Column Turrell. That's crazy.

[Big J. Okerson]

Oh, my God.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. But luckily, here's the thing. I wasn't. I wasn't cheating. I've told you this story before. I didn't want to include that detail. I also included in the text, all I texted to my ex was my son's mother. I was like, hey. And I texted Gary Veder, who's a great comedian. I was like, hey, dude, you know the story. Yeah. I was like, if. If Beatrice asked you say that I was with you all night tonight. And then I was like, I'm really smoking weed with Dave. And I was lying to my son's mother about smoking weed, not cheating. It was. It was just a lot of lies. But, yeah, And I sent it to her. She's like, really? I was like, oh.

[Narrator]

But a party couldn't tell the story without being like, I wasn't cheating. He couldn't just be like, I lied about smoking weed.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, well, it's true. I was. I mean, I was cheating, but that wasn't what the story was.

[Big J. Okerson]

She didn't catch that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, she didn't catch that one. Alex, where our final points at? I already know who won, but on.

[Alex]

The scoreboard, final points. With seven points, Big J Okerson.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Big J.

[Alex]

Weight watchers with nine points, Lewis J. Gomez.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Alex]

Tied with 16 points each, Tony Hinchcliffe. And Ari Maddie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Wow.

[Narrator]

And your winner with 18 points.

[Big J. Okerson]

I thought we won, Kim Cromdon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, God. You're just pouring beer on a microphone.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The first ever female story warrior. Holy.

[Big J. Okerson]

Kimberly Con is the newest story warrior on the wall of legends, making history. Holy. Everyone's gonna sign the book so you can take it back with you. Kim. Kim. Official new, newest story warrior. Make some noise for Kim Kong, everybody. And having a big, big round of applause. Those guys really just have to do things. I didn't believe you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He does a big round of applause.

[Big J. Okerson]

For all of our fucking guests tonight. Everyone. The great Ari, Matty, Tony Hinchcliffe, Kimberly Conklin. Your newest story warrior for Story Wars. I'm Big J Okerson.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I am Louis J. Gomez.

[Big J. Okerson]

We'll catch you guys next time on Story Wars. Until then, peace. Thank you all so much.