039. Yakov Smirnoff, Elle King, & Jared Freid| Restaurants

Summary

Story Warz Podcast Episode Summary

Podcast Information

• Title: Story Warz
• Host/Author: GaS Digital Network
• Episode: 039. Yakov Smirnoff, Elle King, & Jared Freid | Restaurants
• Release Date: May 2, 2025
• Description: 📖 📚 Welcome to Story Warz: A Game of Deceptive Storytelling. Comedians Big Jay Oakerson & Luis J. Gomez face off with some of the biggest names in comedy and entertainment for this hilarious game of wits and deception… LIVE from The Stand Comedy Club in New York City!

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Introduction

In Episode 039 of Story Warz, hosts Big Jay Oakerson and Luis J. Gomez welcome special guests Yakov Smirnoff, Elle King, and Jared Freid to The Stand Comedy Club in New York City. The episode centers around the theme of restaurants, where participants share anecdotes and attempt to deceive each other about the ownership of these stories.

Game Mechanics Overview

Big Jay Oakerson introduces the rules of Story Warz:

• Each participant submits three to five stories centered on the given theme (restaurants).
• Producer Alex reads eight stories aloud.
• If it's your own story, you must convince others it isn’t yours. If it's not, you guess whose story it is.
• Points Allocation:
  • Correct guesses: 2 points
  • Successfully deceiving others: 1 point
• In the second half of the game, the points are doubled for added competition.

Big Jay explains:

"[05:33] Big Jay Oakerson: Restaurants. Our lovely producer Alex will read eight of those stories off one at a time..."

Round 1: Stories 1-4

Story 1:

Audience Member [08:15]: Drunk in a restaurant bathroom, took shirt off while using the toilet, child intervened.

Guesses and Discussion:

• Luis J. Gomez suspects Jared Freed due to his humorous persona.

  "[08:40] Luis J. Gomez: I mean, this could be Jared. Jared's a good looking guy..."

• Big Jay leans towards Jared, citing lack of traits typical to himself.
• Elle King suggests it might be Lakshmi (L. King) due to recent pregnancy-related experiences.
• Yakov Smirnoff humorously connects the story to his American freedom narrative.
• Final Reveal: The story belongs to Jared Freed.

  "[15:02] Audience: That story belongs to Jared Freed."

Story 2:

Audience Member [19:10]: Served spoiled potato salad overseas, flavor akin to spoiled milk.

Guesses and Discussion:

• Luis J. Gomez initially associates it with Russian cuisine.
• Elle King attributes the story to herself, referencing personal experiences.
• Final Reveal: The story is L. King’s.

  "[25:42] Audience: This story belongs to Louis J. Gomez."

Story 3:

Audience Member [28:26]: Only took a dump at Ruby Tuesday's restaurant.

Guesses and Discussion:

• Elle King laughs, indicating familiarity.
• Big Jay contemplates multiple public restroom incidents.
• Final Reveal: The story belongs to Big Jay Oakerson.

  "[80:51] Audience: That story belongs to Louis J. Gomez."

Story 4:

Audience Member [39:54]: Drove a Rolls Royce to get free dinner at Denny's on birthday.

Guesses and Discussion:

• Elle King believes the story is Yakov Smirnoff’s due to its outlandish nature.
• Luis J. Gomez agrees with Elle, linking it to guest behaviors.
• Final Reveal: The story is attributed to Yakov Smirnoff.

  "[68:41] Audience: That story belongs to Jared Freed."

Mid-Game Standings

• Jared Freed: 10 points
• L. King: 13 points
• Big Jay Oakerson: 14 points
• Yakov Smirnoff: 9 points
• Luis J. Gomez: 17 points

Round 2: Stories 5-8 (Double Points)

Story 5:

Audience Member [52:30]: At the fanciest restaurant in Amsterdam, got into a fight, flipped a Victorian chair, grandmother cried.

Guesses and Discussion:

• Elle King contends it’s her story, relating to personal conflicts.
• Big Jay and Yakov argue over the authenticity based on behavioral cues.
• Final Reveal: The story belongs to Elle King.

  "[88:51] Audience: That story belongs to Louis J. Gomez."

Story 6:

Audience Member [62:04]: Sat next to someone with the same birthday at a restaurant, dessert candle incident.

Guesses and Discussion:

• Elle King doubts the story's ownership, suggesting non-ownership.
• Big Jay believes it aligns with Jared Freed's adventurous tales.
• Final Reveal: The story is Jared Freed’s.

  "[68:41] Audience: That story belongs to Jared Freed."

Story 7:

Audience Member [74:21]: Thanksgiving tradition of dinner theater with family.

Guesses and Discussion:

• Big Jay and Luis J. Gomez debate the authenticity.
• Final Reveal: The story is Big Jay Oakerson’s.

  "[85:01] Audience: That story belongs to Louis J. Gomez."

Story 8:

Audience Member [82:50]: Worked at a restaurant, got into a physical altercation over tables.

Guesses and Discussion:

• Elle King confirms minor involvement, hinting at shared experiences.
• Luis J. Gomez reveals personal affiliation, aligning with his narrative.
• Final Reveal: The story belongs to Louis J. Gomez.

  "[87:49] Yakov Smirnoff: That was a tough one..."

Final Standings and Winner Announcement

After all eight stories, points were tallied with Lewis J. Gomez emerging as the winner with a total of 18 points. He clinched the victory by adeptly guessing and deceiving fellow participants throughout the game.

Final Scoreboard:

• Winner: Lewis J. Gomez – 18 Points
• Second Place: Louis J. Gomez – 17 Points
• Third Place: Big Jay Oakerson – 15 Points
• Fourth Place: L. King – 14 Points
• Last Place: Yakov Smirnoff – 13 Points

Conclusion: Big Jay Oakerson awarded Lewis J. Gomez a brand new copy of "City Bird and Other Poems" by Patrick James Dunnigan from the Story Warz library as the grand prize. The hosts wrapped up the episode with heartfelt congratulations to all participants and invited listeners to tune into future episodes and their respective projects.

Notable Quotes:

• Big Jay Oakerson [06:10]:

  "It gets pretty serious in here when you find out what we're playing for."

• Yakov Smirnoff [25:02]:

  "I love love having my shirt off during a dump."

• Elle King [25:50]:

  "My guy. Classy guy."

• Luis J. Gomez [73:23]:

  "Story warriors are taking over, baby."

• Big Jay Oakerson [91:47]:

  "Louis takes home a brand new copy of City Bird and Other Poems by Patrick James Dunnigan."

---

This episode of Story Warz was filled with laughter, playful deception, and memorable interactions among comedy heavyweights. Lewis J. Gomez showcased his storytelling prowess, ultimately securing his win in this spirited competition.

Transcript

[Ray Porter]

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[Big J Okerson]

Before we start today's show, let's thank one of our biggest sponsors over here at Story wars. And of course gas digital, that is yocratum.com home of the 60 kilo lab tested high quality Kratom delivered right to your door. Now look, this is if you're over 21 and already in the market for Kratom. We're not trying to get you hooked on something here.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That'd be crazy.

[Big J Okerson]

No, that would be crazy. Just know it's so good and then when you don't have it, it's. It's like a nightmare.

[Jared Freed]

I'm itching right now because I haven't had my Kratom today. But hey, don't be that guy, okay?

[Big J Okerson]

Don't be like always. Listen, if you always have it, you'll never be sick.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It's gonna take you a while to.

[Jared Freed]

Get through an entire kilo. Look, less and less. The second time you buy a kilo.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It'S gonna go a little faster.

[Big J Okerson]

Gonna go a little bit. You're gonna. And you're gonna be like, what happened? This used to last me a month. Yeah, and you're sharing it with friends and you're throwing parties on the weekend and then you get the tiki torches out.

[Jared Freed]

$60 for a kilo of freedom. It's the best deal on the Internet. No promo code needed through the marquee sponsors for everything in our universe, so support the company that supports us. Yokratum.com all right, let's start the show.

[Big J Okerson]

Fill her up. You're listening to the Gas Jamie's Nashville. It's Story wars with the story warriors, Big J Okerson and Lewis J. Gomez. Oh, yeah. What's up? What's up? National Comedy Festival, Night three. Oh, yeah. Are we here for night three of Story Wars?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

This is wild.

[Big J Okerson]

Do I even have to ask first of all, we are your Story Warriors. Big J Okerson, the Puerto Rican rattlesnake, Louis J. Gomez. Thank you guys so much for being here.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

This is great.

[Big J Okerson]

Who in this room is familiar with the game Story Wars?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Who is not familiar with the game Story Wars?

[Big J Okerson]

That's impossible.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

A couple people back there.

[Big J Okerson]

Some people are on the fence.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Let me ask a different question. Who has been at another Story wars during this festival here in this room? Okay, so it's a bunch of new people. It's been so much fun so far. You guys missed some great shows.

[Big J Okerson]

You guys missed some great ones, you dumb pieces of shit. But you came tonight, and tonight is gonna be a fantastic night with amazing contestants, everybody. Our first. Ha. Our first. Because you were my foot. Our first contestant. You know him from his special 37 single, available right now on Netflix. How about it for the hilarious Jared Freed, everybody? Shake your body, baby.

[Elle King]

Do that. No, you can't control yourself any longer. Come on.

[Big J Okerson]

Shake your body, baby. Do that.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Kong.

[Big J Okerson]

I know.

[Elle King]

You can't control yourself any longer.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Thank you. Thank you. Great to be here.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Welcome to Story Wars. Jared, you look great.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Thank you. Everyone looks wonderful.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I feel like he's lying to us.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, sorry.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I'm sorry.

[Big J Okerson]

I tried. It looks like you tried to say it for real and looked at us both and went, you.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I definitely gave up midway through.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

And our second contestant, this woman, first time in Story wars, first time on a comedic stage ever. Just had a baby three weeks ago, and this is her first night out. Clap it up for the one and only L. King.

[Big J Okerson]

Now. Her hair was jet black. Al, thank you so much for being here and joining the show. You are way bigger than this. And last, but certainly not least, our final contestant, everybody, a comedy legend from Russia from the Tonight Show, Showtime, the comedy couch podcast. Make some noise for the legend, the hilarious Yakov Smirnoff, everybody. We've been traveling about our home. Fantastic. Joyce Harrington, right on the nose, they call that. If you are not familiar with Story wars or if you're listening at home for the first time, quick explanation of the game. Everybody on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. Tonight's subject, Louis, the.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Tonight's subject is restaurants.

[Big J Okerson]

Restaurants. Our lovely producer Alex will read eight of those stories off one at a time. We will see them on this monitor when the story comes up. If it's your story, you're the only person who knows that it's your job to fool everybody else that it's not your story. If it is not your story. It's your job to guess whose story it is.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

And for every story you guess correctly, you get two points. Every time you fool somebody, you get one point. Once you write your vote or your guess on the dry erase board and put it in the slot and remove your hand, that is it. That is your final answer. And you know, we are playing for fun. We have a great time here on Story wars, but that's. That's not all we're playing for. Jay, let him know what we're playing for tonight.

[Big J Okerson]

It gets pretty serious in here when you find out what we're playing for. It's a book always. From the Story wars library. Tonight, the winner will be taking home a brand new copy of City Bird and Other Poems by Patrick James Dunnigan. City Bird and Other Poems is a love letter to San Francisco. Not the postcard version, but the real thing. Cracked sidewalks, smoky bars, endless fog. Patrick James Dunnigan writes like a man who's walked every block and felt something on each corner. Brand new copy. City Bird and Other Poems.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

It's a really good book. I masturbated to it last night.

[Big J Okerson]

That's right. So now you can have a fresh copy. You can re ruin the same pages all over again.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I'll squirt all over it again. I love the audience. This is just great.

[Big J Okerson]

This audience is jacked.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

The community you've put together is just unbelievable.

[Big J Okerson]

Yes. These are the story warriors. They're here to represent, and I tell you, they're ready for war. Alex, with no further ado, what have you done? Well, we're starting.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Everyone came straight from their AA meeting.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, Jared, this is going to get much weirder to you as the show goes on.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I can't believe there was an Arsenio hall style hoot that just happened.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

What do you mean, Arsenio Hall?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Never heard of him.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't know.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I don't know what you're talking about.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Oh, sorry.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

We are completely unique and original.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, okay, Louis, get in the hoot one more time, why don't you? Thank you. Roots. We also have the roots off camera. We don't pay them to be here on camera, but they're black in the guys.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yakov did Arsenio like three times.

[Alex]

So I did. I did.

[Big J Okerson]

Without any further ado. Alex. Story number one.

[Audience]

Story number one. I was drunk in a restaurant bathroom and took my shirt off while pooping. A child crawled under the door to my stall and looked up at me, screaming that I was naked until a parent dragged them out Well, I want it to be.

[Big J Okerson]

L. I don't think it is. I don't think it is.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I mean, this. This could be Jared. Jared's a good looking guy. I can see you taking your shirt off for a poop. Jay's not pooping in public or taking his shirt off.

[Big J Okerson]

I wouldn't poop public and take my shirt off in any situation at a restaurant for sure.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

But let me just say, guys, Jay was terrible at this game, but he's getting much better. And this could be Jay throwing everyone off because this is something that. Two things that Jay wouldn't do, right?

[Big J Okerson]

I wouldn't do them.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Why wouldn't he do them?

[Big J Okerson]

Well, thanks for asking. I'm fat and insecure, and I don't like to be the guy who just shit and fat and shirtless.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

But you do like when children look at you naked.

[Big J Okerson]

I do love that. No, I don't look at them. I don't look at them.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

And your fatness would heat you up to need to take off a shirt.

[Big J Okerson]

It seems meaner when you say it, right?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I'm Russian, so he. He's probably drunk all the time. I would assume it's possible.

[Big J Okerson]

As a teenager.

[Alex]

I. It's possible. Yeah. They. They taught us how to drink when we were young. Like 16 years old. You got to finish a bottle of vodka, otherwise you're not a man.

[Big J Okerson]

And then maybe you would take your shirt off in a bathroom while you were taking a dump.

[Alex]

I wouldn't remember.

[Big J Okerson]

That's true. I would say that too, if the story ended with a child looking at me naked. I don't remember.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Well, in Russia. In Russia, they don't have heat, so I'm assuming you're not taking your clothes off.

[Big J Okerson]

Russia isn't only the stuff you saw in Rocky 4. I keep telling you that. You gotta go to the place. You gotta go to the place. Not just a whole country making a machine of a man to take down our best black.

[Alex]

Yes, I. Whichever one. Whoever wins this war is fine with me. I'll go with that.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Jared, this.

[Big J Okerson]

This has you written all over it. You're a handsome enough guy that. I know. Handsome guys don't mind telling fart and stories.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's true.

[Big J Okerson]

Because it's still. Somehow the girls are like, oh, he's human. I'm gonna go with Jared Freed. Pow.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

My. I think I'm gonna. Actually, I'm thinking this could be Elle. She was just pregnant, right? When you start pooping, you're sweating. You know, you're. You know, you're Getting all freaky and weird. Your nipples are probably shooting milk out of them. You don't want to get milk and poop on your shirt.

[Big J Okerson]

So, Louis, are you doing pornographic asmr? Leaking with fluids? Just the slurping of a baby.

[Elle King]

I don't know how many, like, dads take their kids into the bathroom. So, like, that's weird, but I just also feel like it's you. You seem like you wear, like, button downs a lot. Are you wearing one right now? I know that's a zipper, but, like, I feel like you wear a lot of layers. Oh, that's a tee. Oh, that's nice. That could come off easy.

[Big J Okerson]

No, if you're taking a shit, you can really rip open a button down like a real. Especially here in Nashville. Tell them snap shirts crack.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I think it's Yakov. Look at him. Take off that jacket right now. Damn, that didn't take a lot to get.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Why is Yakov in the best shape on this stage? It's making me furious.

[Big J Okerson]

I didn't know.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

76 years old.

[Big J Okerson]

I didn't know you were hiding that Putin body under there.

[Alex]

I have a young wife, and I grew up near Chernobyl. That's why I look like that.

[Big J Okerson]

You're a mutant. I'm. I'm putting it in first. Jared.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

My first instinct was Jared. My second guess was L. But Big J could be playing a crazy game now. He's gotten so much better just. Just during this trip. I mean, he still has never won a game, but he's still 3 and 37.

[Big J Okerson]

But 3 and 35. Someone told me there's a fourth one you missed. Oh, someone said that?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Jared, was this you?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

No.

[Big J Okerson]

He hesitated.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

No, it wasn't. Oh, I think it's Yakov.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, wait, before we puts it in there, I've already voted, and I do this a lot. I go early, and I don't want to fuck this up. This could be Louis. I don't know why I didn't think at all this could be Louis. I think I always look this way, but I forgot this is completely a Louis situation. Louis sweats profusely.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I if I'm eating something spicy. We went to Hattie B's earlier on today, and I'm just pouring fucking spice.

[Big J Okerson]

We went to Hattie B's, and two workers came over to ask if he was okay. They asked if they should turn the heat down. They asked several questions, and he was falling to pieces with and using a lot of napkins. This could be Louis. He gets hot. He will poop in public. And he encourages. Not only welcomes, but encourages children to come watch him. Shit.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I don't know why we're looking over the fact that Yaakov moved to this country and experienced the freedom of America and was like, holy shit, I'm gonna rip off my shirt in this fucking IHOP bathroom.

[Big J Okerson]

It is ultimate freedom, right? Oh, I didn't think about that.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Like, this was a moment where he was like, I'm not living like this anymore.

[Big J Okerson]

It's the most liberating thing in the world.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Elle brought up a point that I even consider the fact that, like, yeah, typically, it's a mom that brings a child into the bathroom that would drag the child out from underneath. So I'm gonna go with my instinct, which is Elle fucking King, the only mom on this stage.

[Big J Okerson]

Ooh, ooh, ooh. It's all over the place. All right, pop it in. Everybody has their final answers in Alex. If this is Louis, I'm gonna be. It is. He closed the pen fast. He's excited. You cock. You cock. Come on.

[Audience]

That story belongs to Jared Freed.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, thank God.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

First instance.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, thank God. So, Jared, the story's pretty much what we said. You're super hot. Love taking your shirt off.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Taking a. I love love having my shirt off during a dump. I was in Freeport, Maine, and I was at a bathroom at an IHOP and went in. You don't realize when your shirt's off while you're shitting. You are naked.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

When you take your shirt off and you're like, I'm not getting naked. I'm just taking my shirt off. Then you pull your pants down.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

You're like, oh, I'm naked through the mouth of babes. Because this kid ran into the bathroom, ran ahead of. There was a line of, like, 10 people. I was hammer drunk and ran ahead of the line, Got under the. The divider and started screaming, he's naked. He's naked. And I said, kid, you're right. I know. Never would have thought of it that way, because pants on ankles, shirt off. On the handicap rail, that's where you hang it up.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You took the handicap saw you piece of shit. There is more room. It's nice. You could do a little dance.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Well, when you have the choice, you know, you want to go to the.

[Big J Okerson]

What would have been fun? Did you hear another man's voice go, hey, kid, wrong stall.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

So, yeah, then the kid got dragged out from underneath by his legs. And then I had to walk by the whole line, and they just looked at me like, I Was a fucking pedophile, you know, I was like, he ran in on me.

[Big J Okerson]

Do you take your shirt off at most public shits?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Most dumps. I try to have a shirtless dump.

[Big J Okerson]

Why?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Why not? What do you.

[Alex]

It's America. What a country, right?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

That's right.

[Big J Okerson]

What a country.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Jay has to take up a chain wallet, some accessories, some.

[Big J Okerson]

You definitely can hear when my pants hit the floor. It's like a ghost taking a. Just chains and everything. Smack the ground in the coast of the Christmas pass. Needs to take a dump once in a while.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Alex, what is our point spread after one story?

[Audience]

All right, after story number one, I have Jared Freed with one point.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

That's right.

[Audience]

And tied for the lead with two points each. Big J Okerson, L. King, and Yakov Smirnoff.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, wait, where does that leave Louis?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Don't be an asshole. It's the first story.

[Big J Okerson]

I just want to know where the game stands.

[Audience]

Alex, for reference, Lewis has zero points.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It's all good. They're still with me.

[Jared Freed]

All right, Jay, let's take a quick moment and thank Mando for supporting today's show. We love Mando Total Body Deodorant. If you're a fan of Story wars or anything in the Gas digital universe.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You'Re a fat slob.

[Jared Freed]

You probably stink in a lot of different places. Deodorant is no longer just for your armpits, but it's for your entire body.

[Big J Okerson]

You smell like shit and you should know it. And now it's time to fix it. You've got the information. It's right in front of you. They have an amazing amount of products that are amazing right now. The Mando clover wood sprays on the pits, thigh folds. Yeah. The butt crack. All that stuff keeps me smelling like a champ for up to 72 hours. It beats a shower.

[Jared Freed]

Yeah, it's doctor made. It's genuinely incredible. Way better than a shower. Way faster than a shower. You just spray it all over your body. But they have tube deodorant. They have cream deodorant, roll on deodorant spray deodorant. It's genuinely incredible product.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

They're. They're everywhere.

[Jared Freed]

Everywhere you go, you can find the wipes we love. I love the wipes. All you got to do to try out their starter pack and save $5 on it is go to shopmando.com s h o p m a n d o dot com. Use the promo code wars with a Z to let him know the story. Warrior sent you. So once again, that is shopmando.com use that promo code wars with the Z warz to save $5 off your starter pack today. And, yeah, you're gonna love it. Let them know we sent you. Enjoy, Mando. All right, where were we?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Alex, Story number two.

[Audience]

Story number two. Recently, I was served spoiled potato salad at a restaurant overseas. I kept eating it, trying to place what the flavor was. The flavor was spoiled milk.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I mean, that just sounds like food in Russia, right?

[Alex]

Very funny.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It says overseas.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

More importantly, that's an old man story. Like, I'm having potato salad at the restaurant overseas, and all of a sudden I'm like, what is the spilled spoiled milk? Sounds like my Jewish dad would say.

[Big J Okerson]

That it was the story of an older gentleman for sure. I didn't think so. I was gonna say this was elk. She tours a bunch, and she was overseas, but I don't know what's.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

That's a boomer, that, Yakov. This has you written all over it.

[Elle King]

Yeah, I almost just pointed because it really just is giving you, you know.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Can you say potato salad for me?

[Alex]

Potato salad.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, man. That's what I was hoping for.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

That is exactly. That was asmr. That itched my balls a little bit. Just hear. I needed to hear him say potato salad.

[Big J Okerson]

That was so satisfying.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yeah, it felt good.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I'm trying to imagine this as anybody else, but Yakov, and I can't. Overseas is such an old man word. No offense. Not that you're that old. You look better than everyone.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

No, you look amazing. This is not, you know, but Casey Yakov in his underwear in front of the fridge, eating potato salad with a fork from the tub.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

He's like, is this.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I can't see him any other way.

[Big J Okerson]

He's got to go to his young wife and be like, smell this.

[Alex]

It turns her on. Okay?

[Big J Okerson]

That's all. We make them taste it, and you go, spoiled milk, right? Oh, why'd you let me try it? Yeah. This. I want to believe it's anybody else. Also, Lewis could be throwing us off yet again. Lewis has gone overseas recently.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I go overseas every year, two, three times.

[Big J Okerson]

He loves potato salad. Oh, does he?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

No. I don't do carbs very often, my friend.

[Big J Okerson]

No. But in the. He takes a lot of people to Jamaica, Truman, and they hire a local slave to cook them. To cook them meals. I see you looking down. I'm not there. I don't go to this.

[Elle King]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't believe this.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You also can't call them that. They're not happy if you call them slaves. You have to call them the help.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, the help. Sorry. And they come in and. Mr. Lewis, I whacked up some other. More food for you. And potato salad sounds like a very Jamaican dish.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Jamaican ladies sounds like a Jamaican dish.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, the milk was spoiled because they have to import it. They don't have cows there. What this could be.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Lewis, are we overlooking the fact that Elle was recently pregnant? Potato salad feels like a pregnancy food.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's true.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Right?

[Elle King]

I ate the fucking shitload of potato salad pregnant. But if I took one bite and was like, this shit tastes funny. Not like an old man would say. I kept eating it, trying to place what the flavor was. No, I would spit that out.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

This makes me think it's Elle even more. She attacked Yakov just now.

[Big J Okerson]

She really did. She turned hard.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I. I didn't see it in her.

[Alex]

I would say, that's her guilty.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yakov say. Say spoiled.

[Alex]

Spoiled.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

That.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I don't know.

[Jared Freed]

Damn it.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm back to him.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yakov has the best one.

[Alex]

She wanted to point at me for this potato salad.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Potato salad.

[Alex]

I think it's her.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yakov just say, they ran out of coleslaw, so I got the potato salad.

[Alex]

They ran out of coleslaw, so I got a potato salad.

[Elle King]

It's him.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

It's him. It's him. There's nobody else that could have that sounds like.

[Alex]

I sound like Andrew Dice Clay all of a sudden. So I got a potato salad.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh.

[Alex]

Oh.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

He's trying to throw us off the scent.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

This is the other thing. Jay's throwing a lot of accusations out as well, which very often is a tell for Jay. But you've not been.

[Big J Okerson]

I am also. I am an old Jew who enjoys a potato.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

When's the last time you were overseas? It's been a while. Yeah.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Jay doesn't go overseas getting into his potato salad years.

[Big J Okerson]

I am. I'm gonna make my own, though.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I think I love a potato salad.

[Big J Okerson]

And you know what? I'll put in it A little relish.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I'll put some non spoiled milk in.

[Big J Okerson]

Mine because of that one time you had spoiled milk. This could be Louis. Lewis does travel a lot. He goes overseas a lot.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I do.

[Big J Okerson]

He takes his son places. That sounds like a father son snack. A little potato salad.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I'll never take him to an IHOP bathroom when Jared's there.

[Big J Okerson]

Hell, no. Yeah. Or unless you go, hey, son, you want to see a naked man? Stall three.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I mean, I want to see a.

[Alex]

Guy living his best life in the handicap zone.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

That's right.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

With my original Instinct. This sounds like a Yakov story. The whole thing just sounds. It screams Yakov.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

This could be Elle, you guys, Elle's got money. She's not going to Europe and having potato salad.

[Elle King]

No, I recently just got really bad potato salad from Publix, and I spat that shit out, so it's definitely not me.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

She's pointing at him, though, now. Fuck. I can't change my answer. The way she's doing this makes me think it's her.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I think it's her now.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Fuck. Yeah, it's the letter.

[Big J Okerson]

You think it's me? That's how you spell it in Russian.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I'll take it.

[Elle King]

I'll take it. I'll take it.

[Big J Okerson]

Just put a crown on it. Oh, this is. I'm last, but all right. I'm gonna go with. I'm gonna go with Yakov. This. I. Fuck. Let me tell you something. I just met Elle for the first time tonight. I would be impressed to find out that she is that unscrupulous of a liar. She looked me right in the face, and I believed every word she said. So just know, if it's her, I'm hurt. Alex, whose story is it?

[Audience]

This story belongs to Louis J. Gomez.

[Big J Okerson]

Clean the fuck up, J.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Make fun of my zero points now, bitch. Yeah.

[Elle King]

Wow.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

That is.

[Big J Okerson]

I did it again.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I was in Jamaica.

[Big J Okerson]

I told everybody. Let's stop before we vote. Crazy for Yakov. This could be Lewis.

[Elle King]

But is Jamaica really, like, overseas? Like, you consider that.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yeah, that's.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It's literally overseas.

[Elle King]

I mean, like a sea.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It's. Yeah.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Overseas is crazy to call Jamaica.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Well, I don't want to. I didn't want to say Jamaica.

[Elle King]

Yeah, yeah.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

No, that.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's overseas, in my opinion. I was in Jamaica. And it wasn't at the villa. It was. I stayed at the Rock House Hotel. Beautiful hotel. Incredible hotel. The restaurant there was so good. Everything was delicious.

[Big J Okerson]

Did it serve potato salad?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Except this shitty potato salad. I got it, and I was sitting. I was going, I love potatoes. And I was like, this is. And then I thought it was, like, a flavoring that I wasn't for.

[Big J Okerson]

I was like, what is it?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I know this flavor. I kept on eating it. It's not really good, but. And I kept on eating it. And meanwhile, by the way, I'm not noticing other people are sending their potato salad back in the background.

[Big J Okerson]

More for me. No, no, I'll take that. I'll take that. There's.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

And.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

And then after. And then as soon as it hit me, I was like, oh, that's Just spoiled milk. Then I got very nauseous and I sent it back. They did nothing. They still charged me for it. It was crazy.

[Big J Okerson]

What?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah. They didn't pay? No. I was like, no, you have to take this off the bill, you dumb Jamaicans.

[Big J Okerson]

Nice. They respond to that.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Is the island of Aruba paying you to tell this story?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

But, no, it was still a great hotel. Incredible hotel. Terrible potato salad, but worst potato salad. Worst potato salad I've ever had in my entire life.

[Big J Okerson]

Was that your Yelp review? Room is fantastic. The views are amazing. The potato salad.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It's not even on the beach. Your room is in a cliff. You jump off of the cliff from your room. It's pretty sick. Pretty sick. The Rolling Stones used to stay there. Anyway, Alex, where are our points at?

[Audience]

On the scoreboard, with one point, Jared.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Freed got one point.

[Big J Okerson]

That's sarcasm.

[Audience]

Tied for second place with two points each, Big J. Okerson, L. King, and Yakov Smirnoff.

[Big J Okerson]

We're all fine. We're fine. Fine.

[Audience]

And in the lead with four points, Louis J. Gomez.

[Big J Okerson]

Thank you, Roots. Fuck. Alex. Story number three.

[Audience]

Story number three. Ruby Tuesdays is the only restaurant I've ever taken a dump in.

[Big J Okerson]

Elle King. She just laughed. She couldn't believe she wrote it.

[Elle King]

Oh, my God. Yeah. I love fucking Ruby Tuesdays so much.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm not gonna lie. I will say I love Ruby Tuesdays, but maybe too much to take a dump there. Last place with a salad bar and their croutons are rye bread. No pumpernickel.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's pretty good.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

That's an. I've taken a lot of shits at Ruby Tuesdays.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't shit information. I do not shit in public.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

But he has shit in public.

[Big J Okerson]

And they're all.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

The fact that there's only one wrestler restaurant that he's ever did. This is screaming of big, right?

[Big J Okerson]

I've told every I've had this shit in public story ever on stage.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's not true.

[Elle King]

I feel like you would poop in public at a lot of different places.

[Big J Okerson]

You're wrong.

[Elle King]

Oh, really?

[Big J Okerson]

I'm very prissy.

[Elle King]

Okay. I didn't get that vibe.

[Big J Okerson]

I understand.

[Elle King]

I did get that vibe from him. For me, you're like a proper gentleman.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, just so you understand, Louis one time checked two knuckles deep into my butt to make sure there's no brown. No, no, listen. And. And there was nothing.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

There was no brown. I put a napkin around my finger first.

[Big J Okerson]

Put a napkin around his finger.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

So it was a bet.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Nothing.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Jay's like, I wiped, so he was like, I wipe so crazy. You can go two knuckles deep into my. You won't find any. And I was like, everyone's got a little poop up there.

[Elle King]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

And then we had to go to the bathroom. Took a break from the podcast at the Creek and Cave. I wrapped a napkin around my finger. Don't be. You guys are gay. Not us.

[Big J Okerson]

You guys are. Honest to God. Honestly, our behavior towards this is disgusting.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I know you guys had a lot of doubts. I do think this show is gonna sell to Disney plus.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't know. That was a confident phone call I made you, Jared. Do you think they'll take it?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yeah, well, if you tell the poop knuckle story.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, no, there was no poop. That's the story. My bet initially was that you can.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Excuse me.

[Big J Okerson]

My bet initially was that you can put a blow pop up there, take it out, and safely consume it without any worries of. What would that be? Botulism. Hep C. Yeah.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Where did this conversation happen?

[Alex]

Is this, like, your subtle way of coming out or is that.

[Big J Okerson]

This is not subtle.

[Alex]

It's not subtle.

[Big J Okerson]

Okay. Yakov, the things me and Lewis have done on camera would have our fingernails ripped off in your mother country.

[Alex]

More than that, the government would shock.

[Big J Okerson]

Us or do something to change our ways.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yakov, are you a big public pooper? Do you go to poop in public a lot? You travel a lot.

[Alex]

I do. I. I travel a lot. I. I try to stay away from Ruby Tuesday because of the salad bar and croutons.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh. But they're pumpernickel.

[Alex]

That's why I stay away from there. Yeah. But I will go to the bathroom if I have to, but I might go somewhere else and McDonald's across the street or something, so.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Women don't. Women aren't telling poop stories. This is not Elle. No one would ever do that to herself. But Elle is pretty cool. She's got face tattoos. She poops in public.

[Big J Okerson]

She goes, don't go in there for 45 minutes unless you love it. Sluts.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That was a problem. Never mind.

[Elle King]

I just don't think it's you because you already talked about shitting and ihop, so you're, like, more free and, like, shirtless. I just. I think you're such a gentleman that.

[Alex]

I would not go to the.

[Elle King]

No. That I don't know that you're. You're picky.

[Alex]

I'm. But I still would go somewhere, like.

[Elle King]

That'S too nice of an establishment. Ruby Tuesday.

[Alex]

No, I would still go If I have to. Let's put it this way, Jared.

[Big J Okerson]

We know it's not Jared, because he said the other one was an ihop.

[Elle King]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

So this wouldn't be the only place you've.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I. I can't.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You know, you can't lie on the show. So you can lie now, but you can't lie in the stories.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

No, this is. It isn't me. I. I gotta.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, no, I'm saying I don't think it's you because you said you've.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yes, you said deduction.

[Big J Okerson]

If it was only one place you. It would have been ihop. Lewis.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I've shit everywhere.

[Big J Okerson]

Have you ever lived near a Ruby, too?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

There was a Ruby Tuesdays at the Nanuet Mall where I grew up, and I never once have been inside of it. I would go to Friday, so I chose one day, one restaurant. Fridays it was. I'm a loyalist to Fridays.

[Big J Okerson]

Jack Daniels, right.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Pretty sick. This is very. I think this is very obviously big, Jeff.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Really?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I'm with you, Louis.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I really think it's big about salad bar. No, because you don't really like pooping in public, Right? The fact that there's only been one restaurant kind of checks out.

[Big J Okerson]

You shit in a bunch of restaurants?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yes.

[Big J Okerson]

Piece of garbage trash.

[Alex]

Do you poop on. On Tuesday and one Ruby Tuesday in one restaurant, then go to Fridays on alternating days? Yes, on Fridays.

[Big J Okerson]

And then Starbucks. I have shit in several Starbucks.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Starbucks are nice. Nice shits.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, you're by yourself. The problem is, a line will gather, and I really. While I leave all my clothes on except my pants, I do take a shit for a real walk, if you know what I mean. I check in on some local news. Maybe I call Jay in the morning.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Sometimes, and he'll be like, hey, dude, I gotta call you back in an hour. I'm taking your shit. I was like, how long are your shits?

[Big J Okerson]

It depends how fast he wears.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Depends. That's where he shits.

[Big J Okerson]

I wear. Yeah, yeah. It depends, man. How much does World Star have updated that day?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Your phone is covered in shit. Speckles.

[Big J Okerson]

No, Louis. You think I clean my asshole pristine and leave my phone all shitty? Does that make sense to you? Get your head out of your shitty ass.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I'm going, big J Okra. And I am.

[Big J Okerson]

You're a jerk off.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Now he's. Now he's trying to.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, and he convinced you all of a sudden?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I just can't think. See Yaakov sending in this story. L. Is our Ruby Tuesdays here in Nashville.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm Thinking I'm gonna go, L. Because dump. L. The word dump is not a throw off. But, like, she would think maybe that we wouldn't think that was her.

[Elle King]

That's fair.

[Big J Okerson]

Dump.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

El's not sending in a poop story. This is Big J. Don't even wish your. I want everyone to. I want to. I want everyone to not give J right now.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

L goes at the outback and calls it a awesome blossom.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That was a good joke, Jared.

[Big J Okerson]

Wow. Wow. You had this Puerto Rican flim flam car salesman change. You all answers to me. Sons of. Well, go ahead, Alex. Make him feel stupid.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

There's no reason for this whole show. Jay, it's you.

[Audience]

There is no reason for this whole show because it is Big J. Okerson.

[Big J Okerson]

Pumpernickel croutons are. And they were like, soft and crispy. Damn, they were good. Yeah. I mean, the story is almost as simple as that. I was at a Ruby Tuesdays, really enjoying my salad bar.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

And then I got some kind of a weird fucking, I'm sure frozen few minutes ago steak. And in the middle of it just took over and I had to go break the seal. For the first time ever, I shit in a restaurant. What was this, 15 years ago?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I think half the room's about to commit suicide from that story.

[Big J Okerson]

Why? Because they're upset that I don't shit in public. Don't feel sad for me, gang.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

It is a bad.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, I won't. I've shit my pants by accident. Not shitting in public.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

No, I know. I know how against it you are.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't like it. The few times I've done it like a nightmare happens. The one time I told you, the first one, I stopped at a rest stop, went in the handicap stall, and a guy kicked in the door next to me and screamed no while he shit the whole time, the entire language was screaming no. And like, different things where I was like, no, no, no.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Alex, after three stories, what is our point spread?

[Audience]

All right, in last place with two points, Yakov Smirnov. Tied for third place with three points each, Big J and Jared.

[Big J Okerson]

Okay.

[Audience]

In second place with four points, L. King. And in first place with six points, Lewis J. Gomez.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Six points like the star. David.

[Jared Freed]

Yo, it's Louis J. Gomez and Big.

[Big J Okerson]

J Okerson coming at you from Story wars, the wildest gaming show podcast in the world. Man, we're hyped to talk about brunt workwear. The boots that's got our feet feeling like they're on vacation while we're dodging Verbal grenades up here.

[Jared Freed]

Jay, what's the deal with your Brunt kicks?

[Big J Okerson]

Yo, Lewis, I'm rocking the Marin 6 inch soft toe. Check these bad boys out. Straight out the box. These things are comfier than my couch. Most boots I've worn, weeks of break in torture. Like walking on bricks. Brunt, it's like they hug my feet. Day one.

[Jared Freed]

Hell yeah, I've got the toes. Waterproof, safety toe. Look at this beast. I'm stomping around like I'm ready to build a skyscraper, but they feel like my favorite sneakers. Other brands, forget it.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Blisters for days.

[Jared Freed]

Brunt's built for real work. No break in bs. And they've got pants, jackets, the whole deal, son. Tough as hell, but comfy. Jay, you think these boots could survive your stand up rants?

[Big J Okerson]

Survive? These could survive Puerto Rican temper tantrums. Louis.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Guilty.

[Jared Freed]

Look, Brunt's founder, Eric Giroud. Girard, blew up in a blue. Blew up brute.

[Big J Okerson]

Blew up and grew up Toe up from the flow up.

[Jared Freed]

Grew up blue collar and named these.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Boots after his tradie buddies.

[Jared Freed]

They're legit. Waterproof, safety toe, whatever you need.

[Big J Okerson]

Brunt didn't make your durable work boot. They reinvented comfort for the hardest workers out there. For a limited time, Story wars listeners get $10 off at Brunt by using Code wars with a Z at checkout Swarz. Just head to bruntworkware.com and use code wars with a Z and you're all set. After your purchase, they're gonna ask you where you heard about them. Please support the show and tell them Story War sent you.

[Jared Freed]

Yeah, boy.

[Big J Okerson]

Alex.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Sorry.

[Big J Okerson]

No, you go, Alex.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Story number four.

[Audience]

Story number four. I drove a Rolls Royce to get free dinner at Denny's on my birthday.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It's not Big J.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

It's not tater salad either.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I mean, this is obviously L or Yakov.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, L or Yakov. It could be Yakov, but my instinct was l. Thank you. Yeah.

[Elle King]

That's so nice. But it's a really good idea that I will take from you because I believe it's you.

[Alex]

What? To eat free dinner driving the Rolls Royce?

[Elle King]

Yeah.

[Alex]

I mean, why would you do that?

[Big J Okerson]

Well, it's the most American thing you can do, Yakov.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Good point.

[Alex]

I think they still do that. Maybe I should do it on my birthday.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Do you get free dinner at Denny's on your birthday?

[Alex]

Oh, yeah.

[Elle King]

This guy knows.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

How would they know? You got a show id. What if I just. You could just make a fake id.

[Big J Okerson]

You make a fake ID to Just get free food from Denny's. You've gone above and beyond. You just want to commit a crime.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I can just eat. I could just go on a Denny's eating spree across America and never pay for food.

[Big J Okerson]

It's my birthday again. I'll have the usual.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Free dinner on your birthday is wild. Anything off the menu? Grand slams. Grand slam. I don't know what that you guys are trash. I don't know what any of this stuff is.

[Big J Okerson]

This is Elle. She doesn't know what to do with her money. She wants to be regular, but she wants to show up big time. I'm just like you, eating at Denny's in my Rolls Royce.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

What type of car do you drive, Al?

[Elle King]

A Volkswagen, but I have multiple cars.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You have multiple cars? Okay, bragger.

[Elle King]

Well, I got classic trucks. I wouldn't get a Rolls Royce.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

This is Yakov. No question.

[Big J Okerson]

This is very possible.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Comes from a time where a Rolls Royce would make black guys high five you. You pull up the duo in a thing. He goes, oh, okay. Okay. Y. That was my Arsenio. Keep going for yah.

[Alex]

I, I, I. I wish I had the Rolls Royce.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

This is the most made it in the 80s story I've ever heard.

[Big J Okerson]

That was night court money, right?

[Alex]

No, they don't pay that much.

[Big J Okerson]

No, I mean, it's also.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It doesn't mean you own a Rolls Royce. Just as I drove a Rolls Royce.

[Big J Okerson]

You bumped the Rolls Royce.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You bum one from somebody.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, I'm going. My first instinct was L. I've never.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Been more sure of anything in my entire life.

[Alex]

Oh, wow.

[Big J Okerson]

Really locking in.

[Alex]

Lucky you.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I can.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, look at Lewis copying.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I'm not copying. I'm just going with my actual instincts.

[Big J Okerson]

That's a queen's crown.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It's a king's crown. L. King.

[Elle King]

I don't know. I'm kind of doubting. It feels like maybe something that you would do.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I don't know. Oh, now Elle's energy is making it's.

[Elle King]

Like, classy if you did it and just, like, trashy if you did it.

[Big J Okerson]

I would do it.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Elle starts whispering when she's lying. It's one of her major tells that.

[Elle King]

I've just trust my butt.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Trust your butt.

[Big J Okerson]

Trust your butt, Big J.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's a crazy vote.

[Big J Okerson]

It's a crazy vote, but it's not crazy crazy when the answer is L. King.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, dude. If it was you, I thought you were like, it's not crazy because.

[Big J Okerson]

I cry and go. I invited you to go with me at Denny Satday. I told you as much. My birthday. You said you had other stuff to do. I said I rented a Rolls. Dude, it's no big deal. I said it was no big deal, but it was.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Alex, all of our answers are in.

[Audience]

That story belongs to Yakov.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yes.

[Elle King]

My guy. Classy guy.

[Big J Okerson]

Damn. I. Jared, you nailed it.

[Alex]

Well, what. What happened is that I actually bought. Bought a Rolls Royce in England and brought it to America. And what was it, amphibious? Oh, you said it's a right hand drive.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yeah, but.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, you were Rolls Royce and fievelmouse coming over to America.

[Alex]

So I was. I was proud of it. And. And I thought it was kind of a funny thing to do, is to go get a breakfast or dinner in Denny's on my birthday. And it was my birthday, and I ate crow because there's a lot of people there who could not afford, you know, dinner. And I was preloading. So I learned my lesson, and then I tried to buy everybody in Denny's dinner.

[Big J Okerson]

That set you back 20, 40 bucks.

[Alex]

And.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

And.

[Alex]

And most people accepted it, but one couple said, no, I'm sorry. I'm buying my wife a dinner. You're not. So that was my. I learned my lesson.

[Big J Okerson]

I didn't realize it was gonna be such a downer of a story. Was laughing like, oh, it's. Y'all got spirit over there.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Well, then he.

[Big J Okerson]

The guy's wife, Moon's over Miami. He's like, everyone thought I was a piece of. And then I tried to make it right, and they said, no, no. Yeah, but some people took it.

[Alex]

Oh, most of them did. Yes.

[Big J Okerson]

Did you sign autographs and stuff?

[Alex]

Yes. On the napkins? Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

How long ago?

[Alex]

80S. Sometime. Yeah, sometime in the 80s.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Big J Okerson]

That's fucking crazy. You got chewed out for driving a Rolls Royce. If you were black, they would have celebrated you. That was your problem.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Not being black.

[Alex]

Being black Russian. Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Next time.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

A black Russian. That's the scariest thing I've ever written down in my dream journal. The scariest whites mixed with the scariest other. Anything else? Scariest whites mixed with the scariest rest of it.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, Alex, we're four stories in. What is our point spread at all?

[Audience]

Right on the scoreboard, in last place with three points, Big J. Okerson.

[Big J Okerson]

Really good.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's. That's what you get for throwing it in my face.

[Audience]

Next up, with four points, L. King. Tied with five points each, Jared Freed and Yakov Smirnoff. And in the lead with six points, Lewis J. Gomez.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

All right, we're at our halfway Point in the game. Which means that we usually do plugs. If you guys got anything you want to plug. This probably coming out in about a month. So if there's anything you want to plug, touring dates, website, whatever it is.

[Alex]

I'm going to be in this room Saturday at 4pm Doing my one hour show. So if anyone to come see my show, that would be great. And then I have my theater in Branson, Missouri where I perform regularly and so it's on my website and then I tour around the country.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You have your own theater?

[Alex]

I have 2,000 seat theater, yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

The fuck. I should have guessed.

[Big J Okerson]

It was his story in Branson, Missouri.

[Alex]

Branson, Missouri. I've had, I've been there for 32 years and it's because, you know, when I, I was playing Vegas, Atlantic City, Reno, Tahoe, but then Soviet Union collapsed and none of my contracts were renewed. So I started looking for a place where they did not know that the Soviet Union collapsed.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Alex]

I ended up in Branson, Missouri.

[Big J Okerson]

Was that a family guy thing where they did Yakov Spirov? He goes, I miss old Soviet Union.

[Alex]

Yeah, it's coming back. So anyway.

[Big J Okerson]

New metal and the Soviet Union.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Love it.

[Elle King]

El King, honestly, I just had a baby and this was how I got the fuck out of the house.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Elle King]

So like I'm down to take a shot and see where the night goes, you know, maybe someone can drive me home.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I'm gonna fuck elking tonight.

[Big J Okerson]

Dude, that'd be dope. Get L. King in the family. Dude, that'd be pretty fucking dope. She's cool.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Jared.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I'm gonna be taking a shit in the handicap bathroom naked after the show. So if you yell over the door, just say what's up?

[Big J Okerson]

Please don't steal my shirt.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yeah, don't let any of your kids out. Otherwise there's a Special on Netflix 37th single, you can watch it. Yeah, yeah, watch that.

[Big J Okerson]

Big J bigjay comedy.com for all my dates or punchup live bigjokarson all over the place on Peter North American tour. Coming on a city near you. If you get it, you get it. I'm all over the place. Of course listening to the bonfire five days a week faction talk series XM103 with me and the great Robert Kelly. And of course the flagship show of the guest digital network right here, the legendary legion of skanks. And it's coming out in a month so both parts of my two part crowd work special them they available right now on YouTube. Fucking check them out. Watch them again.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Very cool. Come see me on the road to Bring five Friends tour. I'm desperate. And just bring five friends. It'd be sick. I'm gonna be going to Europe at the end of May. It's gonna be a ton of fun. Amsterdam and London and then Glasgow and Dublin and Manchester. And then I'm filming my next special on July 12th in Tampa, Florida at side Splitter. So get those tickets. They're about to be sold out. So get them now. Make sure. If you love this show, you should know that we do a an uncensored ad free version of the show. A lot of the stuff we've said tonight has been bleeped out. Yakov's been saying the N word the whole show. You guys gotta get the unset, uncensored version. It's pretty crazy.

[Big J Okerson]

We couldn't get a dump button it fast enough to it.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

But the uncensored ad free version is available exclusively on gasdigital.com if you're watching this on YouTube or elsewhere. Plus there's an entire On Demand library that are thousands of episodes deep for all of the shows. And there's probably a dozen and a half Story wars episodes that are not available anywhere else. Use the promo code Warz W a r [e-mail] and obviously check out all the other pods that I do. The Regs and the legendary Legion of Skanks and sign up for my mailing list. I do a bonus solo podcast just on my mailing list on my website, LouisofSkanks.

[Big J Okerson]

Okay, well, I'm feeling pretty shitty. I'm in last place. But what our guests probably don't know is that this game's not over for me.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It's not.

[Big J Okerson]

Because for the final four stories, we go double points. Thank you, Roots. If that wasn't clear, you were taken down. If you were taken aback by that fanfare, I apologize to explain it better. Whereas before, if you fooled somebody and it was your story, you got one point. And if you guessed the right story, you got two points. Now that goes to double points.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I never thought I would describe this audience as being whimsical, but they are whimsical. Beautiful.

[Big J Okerson]

Thanks.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Consider me surprised.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Alex. Story number five.

[Audience]

Story number five. I went to the fanciest restaurant in Amsterdam. My cousin and I got into a fist fight and I flipped a Victorian chair. My grandmother cried.

[Big J Okerson]

Jesus Christ. Oh my God, this sounds like a fable. The fanciest restaurant in Amsterdam. Elle, stop looking left and right. Nobody up in this fucking thing knows what a Victorian Chair is besides you. Oh, wait, Jared, you might. I. I feel like your parents had Victorian chairs.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yeah, probably.

[Big J Okerson]

But you didn't know that.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

But I didn't. You know the words here. I believe I know this isn't Louis. Not Louis.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Both times I spent no money on food. It was all hookers and drugs.

[Big J Okerson]

Right. So Lewis doesn't fist fight in family. He puts it outward. And he wouldn't know what that chair was that he flipped. And I believe his grandparents died at 30 years old.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Right. So he's out. You're not going to Amsterdam and going.

[Big J Okerson]

To the fanciest place.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Not with family.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I'm just trying to figure out, is Yakov a fancy restaurant in Amsterdam person?

[Big J Okerson]

Well, he's not going to Denny's again. I don't know if you heard what happened last time, but everybody turned on him for being all fancy and coming in for some free moons over my.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I can see this.

[Big J Okerson]

Also, look.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It's between Jared and Elle. Very obviously.

[Elle King]

I'm wondering about your cousins. Like, are you from a big fan? Are you Italian? Are you Latino or what?

[Big J Okerson]

He's so Jewish.

[Alex]

Wow.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Insulting both of those words.

[Elle King]

I just needed you to say it, not me.

[Big J Okerson]

What do you think I'm some greasy Italian or some greasy Puerto Rican?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I have cousins. I don't know if we're flipping Victorian chairs, though.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I mean, you do have punch a family member in the face energy.

[Elle King]

That's fucked up.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Right? Elle does look like she had a fallout, but then came back to the family.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. A lot of times at a Thanksgiving, they have to say, hey, are you and Jenny gonna be cool? Or do we have to honestly. Or do we have to ask one of you not to come?

[Alex]

Right?

[Big J Okerson]

And you go, if she doesn't talk shit.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Comedians. Comedians don't travel with their entire families anywhere.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Well, can't you see Rob Schneider in the corner going, boo?

[Alex]

What?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

No, like talking, like. Right. They're taping the jigalo movies.

[Big J Okerson]

The jigalo movie?

[Elle King]

No. Do you have a face tattoo?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I do.

[Elle King]

I feel like you're right. What you get that tap for?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

To impress you.

[Big J Okerson]

Lewis's cousins are 100% dead or imprisoned. These are just facts of life. And I don't know that to be true for sure, but it's true.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

My. Yeah, my grand. My grandmother. I wouldn't be on in Amsterdam with my grandmother. That's just not happening. It's definitely not me.

[Big J Okerson]

His grandmother sold drugs in America.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's true. She did in Patterson, New Jersey. Grandma Jane. They would Call her Grandma Candy.

[Big J Okerson]

What? She gave guns to kids.

[Alex]

Yeah, I think Lewis is the one who travels to Europe.

[Big J Okerson]

No, no, to Lois. Yeah, he does not travel to Europe. He thought Jamaica was overseas, remember?

[Alex]

Right, but I mean, I've been to.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Europe twice in the past year.

[Big J Okerson]

Didn't he say, I'm heading across the pond of the Bahamas, so I don't know when I land there, if it's tomorrow for you or if I. If it's the middle of the night. Okay, I'm going. I've written L, I think almost for every story so far, and I have been way wrong.

[Elle King]

I think Louis is a fancy ass motherfucker and is, like, trying to be, like, flipping shit all around the spot.

[Big J Okerson]

People really can't see the gay in you.

[Elle King]

Potato salad.

[Big J Okerson]

His chair.

[Elle King]

I heard you talk shit about grandma's earlier. That's wrong.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I was pushing too hard.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, she's pushing way too hard. Yakov, I don't know why you're listening to her. She. She fights family members to you.

[Alex]

But if anybody got into a bar fight, it would be you.

[Big J Okerson]

Listen, I understand what you're saying. I don't think this is Louis at all. He wouldn't say Victorian chair. He doesn't know what that means still now.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I don't. I mean, the Victorian era. Is that an era right now?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

It's Lewis.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

He's shitty.

[Big J Okerson]

If it's you. If you hit me with.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yeah, it is him.

[Big J Okerson]

Dangerous Liaisons.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I didn't like the way he smiled when he said Victorian.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Alex, all of our stories are in.

[Big J Okerson]

If you wink, I'm gonna punch you.

[Audience]

Oh, no, that story belongs to L. King.

[Big J Okerson]

Yes. Oh, thank you, sweet lord.

[Elle King]

Ah, it was up. My dad was filming European Gigolo and just. I had gotten kicked out of school. And he said, what do I do with her? And my mom said, you take her. So I did get into a fist fight with my cousin. We cool now because we moms, ho. But drinks.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Sounds like the kids are probably okay too.

[Elle King]

Yeah, no, they're cool. They're cool, man. They're cool, man. Yeah, but I flipped a chair. My poor little Filipino grandmother was crying, get along, please. And I was like, you.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Why'd you get into a fight with your cousin?

[Elle King]

I don't really know. She was a. And I would. I probably was, like, calling her out. She might have thrown a drink in my face or I did that. I don't know. I never really remember, like, my wrongdoing because I just remember, like, my pain. And that was just. I was. It I remember that. It was. It was cool.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Did you win the fight?

[Elle King]

Fuck yeah, I won. Look at me. Are you kidding me? I'm a linebacker. Yes. I won the fucking. She was a ballerina. Like, I won the fight.

[Alex]

I don't want to sit next to her now.

[Big J Okerson]

We have a lot of common friends that said, L. King rules. L. King rules. Yakov, you cool?

[Audience]

Alex, points on the scoreboard. In fifth place with five points, Yakov Smirnoff. In fourth place with. With six points, Elle King. In third place with seven points, Big J. Okerson.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It's gotten to the point where Jay is just happy to be in third place.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, I stopped listening. I don't even know who's after me.

[Audience]

In second place, with nine points, Jared Freedom. And in the lead with 10 points, Louis J. Gomez.

[Big J Okerson]

If you think the story warriors are ready to part with this book, City Bird and other Poems. These poems echo with the voices of Bay Area legends Joan Brown, Jay Defeo, Lou Welch. But filtered through Dunigan's own restless, searching lens, the long title piece city Bird is a freewheeling emotional ride through memory, art, and the strangeness of staying put while the world changes around you.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That was beautiful.

[Big J Okerson]

New brand new copy.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That was beautiful.

[Jared Freed]

All right, let's take a quick moment to thank crowd health for supporting today's show. We love crowd health. Health insurance is genuinely broken. Premiums are increasing, deductibles are getting larger, and claim denials are becoming more and more common. And that's, I'll tell you right now, that's why health insurance is just a headache. And you need to join crowd health for that exact reason. It's not health insurance. It is a better way to pay for healthcare through crowdfunding.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. That's why your $50 a month membership includes the tools and services you would need to get the highest quality healthcare. You get access to telemedicine visits, discounted prescriptions, and so much more without doctors networks messing things up. Plus, you have access to your own personal care advocate who helps you navigate the complexities of health events and even negotiate bills on your behalf, which is huge. And of course, you're going to join the crowd, a group of members just like you who want to help pay for each other's unexpected medical events.

[Jared Freed]

It's time that you opt out of restricted healthcare plans and let crowd health help fit your healthcare needs. So get started today. For just $50 per month, go to joincrowdhealth.com wars with a Z to get the healthcare that you deserve. Once again, that is joincrowdhealth.com warz to get the healthcare that you deserve today. And just so you know, crowd health is not insurance. Learn [e-mail] that's joincrowdhealth.com Warz. All right, where were we?

[Big J Okerson]

Alex, Go.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Joe. You do it.

[Big J Okerson]

No, you don't care.

[Jared Freed]

Alex.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Story number six.

[Audience]

Story number six. I went to a restaurant alone on my birthday and randomly sat next to someone who had the exact same birthday as me. The bartenders gave us a dessert with a candle in it, and I lit her hair on fire.

[Big J Okerson]

This is beautiful. And also, definitely not Elle. Unless she had a lesbian stint at some point.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

She absolutely had a lesbian stint.

[Big J Okerson]

She did call herself a linebacker. That does tend to me. You've had a woman's knees on your shoulders once or twice.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Rich chick who fought her cousin.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yes.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

In Amsterdam. She went straight to the red light district and ate some bitch out.

[Elle King]

I mean, I have been to sturgis twice.

[Big J Okerson]

So my little girl's a dyke. Daikarino. Daikorama.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Ah, a restaurant. Alone on my birthday.

[Big J Okerson]

Why are you reading so slow, you weirdo? This is something you would do, you sentimental SAP.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

And randomly set.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Lewis feels like an alone birthday guy.

[Elle King]

I get the opposite vibe. I feel like you're like, stop flirting with me. No, no, no. I feel like it's my birthday. Right.

[Big J Okerson]

Lewis is prepared to raise your child with you.

[Elle King]

Okay, so I got two.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I'm. I'm a great father.

[Elle King]

Good. Yeah, great.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Y.

[Elle King]

That's nice.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Look, we go, there's my son, the.

[Elle King]

Same guy, shouting out my real ass.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Dad, I'll give my son up for your children.

[Elle King]

Oh, mine are really cute.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Mine's pretty cute, too.

[Elle King]

Yeah, he's cute.

[Big J Okerson]

And here's gay.

[Elle King]

I don't know yet. There's so little.

[Big J Okerson]

Neither does Lewis.

[Elle King]

Oh, great.

[Big J Okerson]

I. Well, the jury's out. The jury's out is all I'm saying. He's a good kid.

[Elle King]

I don't take Louis as a birthday alone kind of guy.

[Big J Okerson]

He doesn't want to. But Louis also. And we share this as brothers. We're dramatic saps.

[Elle King]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

And we would do a thing where you go purposefully to a place by yourself. I don't even care. And then. But I am not outwardly personable enough in that setting to just start talking to somebody and then have some weird fucking rom com. Meet cute fucking happen with a candle being put. And so I lit her hair on fire. Hilariously. This is a story told with confidence of a guy who would even Put himself in that position. This is Jared Freed.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

That's crazy.

[Elle King]

Oh, yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Wow. I swear, I thought the whole cloud was gonna, like. In my mind, in my mind, I just explained my whole fucking beautiful mind, like, red strings thing and brought you to the end. And you guys are gonna be like, holy shit. That's what.

[Alex]

We were all there.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yakov, when did you get married to your young wife? I feel like Yakov was fucking all over Branson and.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, dude, no doubt those hillbillies were throwing their daughters at him.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yakov slings dick. We know this, right?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

What?

[Alex]

Why. Why are you asking?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Okay.

[Big J Okerson]

We're talking about your big Russian sickle.

[Alex]

Oh, It's a hammer.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh. Even the roots like that.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Alone on your birthday is pretty wild.

[Big J Okerson]

Wild.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It's a little while.

[Big J Okerson]

It's just sad.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

No, it's not really. It's. It's a. It's a mentality where you're like, I'm going along on my birthday, but I.

[Jared Freed]

Feel like that has a little bit.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Of Elle King vibes.

[Elle King]

I would fucking never.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You might. I could see this.

[Elle King]

Kidding.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I can see you just being like, fucking coming down from heroin or whatever you used to do. And she's like, I'm just going to go by myself.

[Elle King]

So it's spot on, actually. I would throw a party and just like, sit alone in a room by myself. Yeah, that's true. But I. I would light a hair on fire. Maybe for fun.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Elle King]

But not like accidentally and be like, oops, sorry, it's our birthday.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, okay. You know what? I looked at this as guy meeting a girl in some kind of. Where? I called it a meet cute. But this. You just said someone there had the birthday. You guys could have been like, well, then, bitches night. And then you're like, girl, light that candle right near my fucking stupid hair. Sprayed hair. And you were like, I got you, bitch. And then you lit her on fire.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Right. This is more mistake question, Al.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Which restaurant was this at?

[Elle King]

No, no, I think that this is maybe a you thing. You're so quiet right now. Why are you so shy?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I think it's. Yeah, I think this guy took his Rolls Royce over to impressed some woman, some rando at the bar.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Is this the ceremony he met his wife?

[Alex]

Right, right.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

In Russia, they light women's hair on fire to impress them.

[Big J Okerson]

You are my bride. Now take off that hair. So no man find you attractive.

[Alex]

You got me.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Not Big J. Big J is not a go alone for to his. For his birthday type of guy. He likes to have all of his friends and minions around him.

[Big J Okerson]

Or I'd order in.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I could see this being Jared or Elle, maybe. It's two stories in a row for L. It could be, could be, could be. It's all randomly generated.

[Big J Okerson]

She's learning the game, though. I like that.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Ls a drinker too. So she could have, you know, roll up to a bar.

[Big J Okerson]

No doubt.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Cocktail.

[Big J Okerson]

Like, I'm not gonna be alone on this birthday. That.

[Elle King]

That's true. I do give that off. I would love another drink.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

But you know what? This also could be a Jared on the road story. He's on the road that weekend by himself.

[Big J Okerson]

Absolutely.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Alex]

I.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

It's just. I. I don't know. Yakov.

[Alex]

Yeah. Jared.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

That Jared Giant of his.

[Alex]

Yeah, Jared is pushing it on me, but I think it's him too.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I think he's going back. He's throwing it on other people a little bit too much. I'm going.

[Big J Okerson]

Whenever you give sound logic. Why, it's Jared. He goes, Yakov. It's a deflection. This is Jared.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

He got his voting quickly because he wanted other people to not vote for him. Now he's freaking out. He's picking his nose. That's another tell. He's rubbing his knee. Look, he's rubbing his knee. Now he's got his hand in his pockets. A lot of things happening with Jared Freed. Checking his phone. Here he is. There he goes.

[Audience]

Alex, that story belongs to Jared Freed.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Thank you. I actually have the picture of her lighting her hair on fire.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, shit.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

So that's what I was getting. So what happened was I was in New York. It's my birthday. I did two shows in between. I went to Coco Duck, which is this, like, nice chicken finger, you know, place they do, like, trash tonight.

[Big J Okerson]

And so I went to this nice chicken.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Chicken finger place.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I went. It's a chicken nugget place that puts, like, caviar on the chicken nugget. So I, like, sat out, I had a glass of wine.

[Big J Okerson]

That's like a. That's like a personification of a Rolls Royce to a Denny's.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yeah, it's a high, low moment.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

She doesn't know what the word personification means.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, it's to make it a person.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I sit at the bar and you can't get into this restaurant. I sit at the bar and then suddenly the seat next to me opens up and this young girl, she was like 24, sits next to me, and all she orders is a chicken nugget with caviar in it and a cocktail it's very like, Gen Z, I'm gonna do the thing. And I said, is that all you ordered? And she goes, oh, it's my birthday tonight. I was like, that's crazy. It's my birthday too.

[Big J Okerson]

And you Frenched.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I fucked her right there on that bar.

[Big J Okerson]

I have to live through your beautiful dick.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

So then the bar heard about it, bought her a glass of wine. Let's celebrate our birthday together. It was a very sweet thing. And then they gave us a frozen yogurt at the end with, like, a candle in it. And then she takes my phone to take a self. She goes, let's take a selfie with it. And I take a selfie. And literally, as we're taking the selfie, she goes to give me a kiss and lights her hair on fire. And I have it on. I literally have it on camera.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Wait, she kissed. She kissed? You did.

[Big J Okerson]

She wanted to fuck you.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

She wanted to give me a kiss on the cheek.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

She wanted to fuck you so badly.

[Big J Okerson]

Yes, she did.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

It was very sweet. It was very rom comy. Like, very. Like you couldn't. And when she went to give me a kiss, it lit her hair on fire. And a woman walked by and goes, wax her in the face. And she goes. She goes, holy shit. The whole bar stunk of burnt hair. And the. And it's funny because she was so embarrassed.

[Big J Okerson]

Dude, there's nothing funnier than a hot chick eating shit. It really. It tickles me to no end. Hot.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

And the manager was even hotter because she was this woman who. She goes, I used to work at Liv, and this happened every night. Like, she was like a nightclub woman. So she, like, whacked her. And then the girl was so embarrassed, she kept going, I'm fine. I'm fine. And, like, her hair is, like, on smoking.

[Big J Okerson]

That smell stays.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

The whole bar stunk, like, burnt hair. And I felt so bad. But then I had the other show to go to, so I go, okay, well, it was nice to meet you.

[Alex]

Sorry.

[Elle King]

Happy birthday.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Happy birthday.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, text me the burn ward you're at. I'll come pick you up. 24 hour CVS gave you some cream.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

We wish this happened two years ago. I wished her happy birth. She wished me a happy birthday on our. On our birthday, Said hello, and that was it. That's.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You never her.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

No, she was very, very nice. And you.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, that means yes. You dirty dog. You piece of shit. You fucked that burn victim. That was sweet of. He goes, yeah, bring your Freddy Krueger over here. Lay on your left side.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

She'll make fire marshal Bill.

[Big J Okerson]

Holy. Wow.

[Jared Freed]

Okay.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That was a lot of points that Jared did not get.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

That was brutal. I. I can't. I couldn't. You guys are all looking other places, places. And I was like, oh, I'm gonna get some good.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Nope. Alex, where our points at?

[Audience]

Okay, we have a tie for last place with nine points each, Jared Freed and Yakov Smirnoff.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I knew this show was anti Semitic.

[Big J Okerson]

Those poor saps.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

That's right.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Jesus.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I don't know if that was a.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It was an actual Klansman.

[Big J Okerson]

It was real.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I don't know if that was a Tennessee togetherness or.

[Big J Okerson]

No, no.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Double. Oh, it was a double.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That was a threat, Jerry.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Oh, okay.

[Big J Okerson]

Security.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

There was a security guard.

[Big J Okerson]

Your Y Merker can't save you from this, Alex.

[Audience]

In third place with 10 points, L king.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Ye.

[Audience]

In second place with 11 points, Big J Okerson.

[Alex]

Wow.

[Audience]

And in the lead with 14 points, Luis J. Gomez.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Story warriors are taking over, baby.

[Big J Okerson]

This feels great.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

This is good. Jay. We might keep this book in the Story warriors library. And I'm very excited because this is one of my favorites.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, dude. You know it's one of your favorites. I mean, it's smart, it's personal, and it's got that rare thing in poetry. Almost never has real atmosphere.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Big J Okerson]

You don't just read this book. You move through it. It's brand new copy. Jared, looks like you're going to have to keep that old spunked up one you have.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

But, I mean, guys, remember, the second half of this game is double points. Anybody's game still.

[Big J Okerson]

It really is.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Very close game right now.

[Big J Okerson]

One of our closer ones, Alex. Story number seven.

[Audience]

Story number seven. When I was a kid, for Thanksgiving, my family would go to a dinner theater cabaret with singers, dancers, and comedians.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Dinner theater slash cabaret was.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

This is how we found out that Yakov was American the whole time.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, my God. Holy.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

The bit was over. Tonight on Story Wars.

[Big J Okerson]

It's just a character he's doing his.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Whole life from Ohio.

[Big J Okerson]

My name is Steve Johnson. And yeah, we used to gather together a little cabaret. A little like cabaret.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Read one history book about Russia. Now here I am.

[Big J Okerson]

This.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

My instincts are saying, l. This seems like.

[Big J Okerson]

Really?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Like, this is. Rich people don't want to cook their own meals. They're like, let's just go to dinner theater. Cabaret singers, dancers, comedians.

[Big J Okerson]

It seemed Jewy to me.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

This feels poor. It could be Louis.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

This feels poor.

[Big J Okerson]

Does it? Yeah. I agree with you, Louis. I thought this seemed a little more.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Like My half Puerto Rican, half Italian Irish families going to a dinner theater on Thanksgiving.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

There's got to be a buffet. And it's not as good a theater as maybe it sounds.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't know if you ever heard about Lewis's mom, but do you know how much turkey and heroin cost?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Don't be an dude. Don't be a piece of.

[Big J Okerson]

Let's just say the turkey's not going to have stuffing.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

We would. We would have turkey every year.

[Big J Okerson]

Huh?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

We had turkey every year.

[Big J Okerson]

I want to say this feels Jared to me. This feels like a. Yeah, it feels.

[Elle King]

Like kind of gay. So.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, it feels just left of gay. It feels like the origin story of a gay who overcompensates by getting naked in front of children and bathrooms.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

That's a fair point.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Is there a Russian version of Thanksgiving?

[Alex]

No.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

No, there's no thank you in Russia.

[Big J Okerson]

Thank you for a share. Thank you for a shared outdoor bathroom for my entire family.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

We are not thank. Thankful for anything.

[Alex]

No. And no cabaret either.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

You try being thankful when you bathe in a wooden tub.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I might. My. I'm kind of leaning towards L right now.

[Elle King]

You would. You would. But, like, my family didn't love each other, so we wouldn't, like, do nice. Why so fucking quiet? Jesus Christ. Dark.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

We're all thinking differently of Rob Schneider.

[Big J Okerson]

The darkness of Rob Schneider. We didn't do shit.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Oh, my God.

[Big J Okerson]

Steve Areno. It's fucking stupid. I'm a gigolo. Joke's on me. Jared was the last story, though.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Has Jay had any stories today yet?

[Big J Okerson]

Yes.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

The shitting in Ruby Twosies.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

This feels big, J. For some reason.

[Elle King]

I kind of feel like that too. Like, are you secretly theatrical? I mean, look at the gloves.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yeah, gloves.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I mean, look at the nails.

[Elle King]

Those mean something. They came from somewhere. Do you paint your nails? It's you. It's me.

[Big J Okerson]

Do you paint my nails? An Asian lady dip gelled them.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

That sounds like a. Ooh.

[Big J Okerson]

It's a quicker drying process. And my nails harder. Not me. This is. I feel like Jay.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I've been friends with Jay for 20 years. I would have heard that his family didn't do Thanksgiving and they went to dinner theater in cabaret.

[Elle King]

I wouldn't admit that now.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Jay with Jay is self deprecating.

[Elle King]

Okay.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, Very self deprecating.

[Big J Okerson]

I would tell this if there was a.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

This isn't something you would hide.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

But Jewish people, for some reason, they like to do retarded shit.

[Big J Okerson]

Right? That's why I'm taking Jared as my.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

First guest theater cabaret. Murder. Jesus. There's a lot of decisions that they make.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

It's a lot to do on Thanksgiving.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yes.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I don't know. This is maybe Lewis. I think now he's pushing. He's pushing this Jew joke a little hard.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I think you're a little crazy. Waste your.

[Big J Okerson]

Don't I know Lewis Me? That's. Listen, the only advantage me and Lewis has. We do know each other well.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I was in. I was in musical theater in high school. I had a little.

[Big J Okerson]

Was a fruit. Yeah, I don't think. But his family was not tight to do this. So this is not.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I will say. I don't want to make it sound like it's me, but my family was. When I was a kid, they kind of kept.

[Big J Okerson]

No, you come from just pieces of shit.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Your mom was the town slut.

[Big J Okerson]

She wasn't a slut.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

She was a town slut. My mother many a policeman. She had many policemen.

[Big J Okerson]

She had sex with a few cops to keep us safe. She was a single mother living in West Philadelphia. It was a bad neighborhood. Sometimes she had to throw down with a bitch. But when guys would come around, she fucked a few cops to keep us safe. I don't think that.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

That's why I think this is Big J.

[Big J Okerson]

You think in between sucking off cops, we went to dinner theater? Yeah, that makes sense. It's Jared. That was insane, what you just said.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It could be Jared two stories in a row, but maybe it's L. Fuck.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

This is a tough one.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Can I go to the audience and ask? Can we pull the audience? Who do you guys think it is, really?

[Big J Okerson]

Jay?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

No, this feels just very inner city Philadelphia.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You just. You're saying names now. You think this sounds. Well, West Philadelphia.

[Big J Okerson]

That's crazy. Did you only watch the beginning of Fresh Prince? My family went out to the cabaret, watched some comedians and singers and dances.

[Elle King]

I feel like. Like Shabbat is, like, more important than Thanksgiving, right?

[Big J Okerson]

Okay, probably.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You know what, dude? Is it two stories in a row for Jared? Is this his third story, though? He had an early story.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, yeah?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I don't think they. I mean, it's all randomly generated. But did they get to three Jared stories?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

And this is where we might be.

[Elle King]

I'm going out a lot.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I think I. I get out a lot, too.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

L. Al King is my vote.

[Big J Okerson]

All right. Everybody's locked in.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

There. Sorry. I started yelling at Yakov. I was like, don't you take it out of that. What's your final answer, Yakov?

[Audience]

That story belongs to Big Jerson.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

He was pushing Too hard.

[Elle King]

Knew it.

[Big J Okerson]

It.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Wow.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

No way.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Really? Wow.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. When my grandfather was alive, we did a lot more Jewish side of the family things, and he loved musicals and all that kind. And we would go to this. I'm trying to remember the name of the place, but we go to the place for Thanksgiving, always Palumbo. And they would put on, like, a dinner theater thing with cabaret, with, like, minor strip teas. And then, like, somebody would come out and be like, you know, you'll be swell. You'll be great. Gonna have the whole world on a plate. And then at the end, we would buy the cassette tapes of, like, the songs of Fiddler on the Roof, sung by the guy at the place. And that's how they got out of cooking turkey in my Jewish family. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Alex, the scores, please.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, my God. I think Jay might be in first place right now. This is crazy. This is wild.

[Audience]

All right, on the scoreboard, in last place, with 10 points, L. King. Tied for third place with 13 points each, Jared Freed and Yakov Smoff. In second place with 14 points, Louis J. Gomez.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Wow. Wow.

[Audience]

And in the lead with 15 points, big J. Okerson.

[Big J Okerson]

Yo. Yo. Christine is so wet right now.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It's still anybody's game. This is the closest Story wars game that I think we've ever had right now. It truly could be anybody's game. One final story. This is crazy. Holy. Alex. Story number eight.

[Audience]

Story number eight. When I was younger, I worked at a restaurant and got into a physical altercation with another employee because they were taking care of my tables.

[Big J Okerson]

This definitely physical altercation always feels like Louis.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Right, Jay?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I. I've never worked in a restaurant.

[Big J Okerson]

Me either. Me either.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That's a woman job. No offense, Al. And also, waiting tables is a woman's job.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. Listen, you'll suck a cousin for. For just being a. You'll definitely attack an employee. Is all of hell stories. Kick the out of this one for up. I don't need you to take care of my tables.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

So me and these other hoe moms took care of business.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Jared, you ever work at a restaurant?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Absolutely.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yes.

[Big J Okerson]

Really?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

No, I haven't. Really.

[Big J Okerson]

I always thought I was, like, one of the only people that never worked in a restaurant.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

No, I, I, That's. Yeah. I'm taking. This takes Yakov out of. Out of it. This takes l. Out of it.

[Big J Okerson]

They had restaurants in Russia.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yeah.

[Elle King]

You never fought anyone?

[Alex]

No, no. I, I'm, I'm not confrontational. I'll. I'll make jokes about him, but.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

No, that sounds like what, the guy at the beginning of the movie who murders everyone?

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, absolutely.

[Elle King]

Have you been in a fist fight?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

He's like, yippee, gay.

[Elle King]

You never been in a fist fight?

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I've never been in a fist.

[Big J Okerson]

Dude, she thinks you are such a queef right now.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

I know. She's really undressing me.

[Big J Okerson]

Me. She's not gonna make you feel good in online. She's gonna be like, what was that lady I was sitting next to? You've never fought anybody homo. Never even punched a cousin.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Elle, did you work in restaurants ever?

[Elle King]

Yeah, I've worked in a restaurant.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You worked in a restaurant?

[Elle King]

Yeah. Wolf Burger in Pasadena for two days.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

They made burgers.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

That sounded okay. Now I'm on L. That the way she just said that. It sounded like she.

[Elle King]

I got in trouble for taking 50 cents off the table and put in my pocket. And she said in an accent very close to yours, it's for the jar, not your pocket.

[Big J Okerson]

Damn.

[Elle King]

So I lied. I'm gonna take the bus to town and just like, around and say, hard day at work when I go home.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

That was it. But never. You'd never beat up another waitress for taking your tables?

[Elle King]

No.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, you did.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I feel like you might have.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Nah, this.

[Big J Okerson]

I mean, Lewis also will flat out lie. He absolutely may have worked in restaurants. I'm trying to remember if you ever told me about working in a restaurant to know this whole thing's a lie.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, wait, I did work in a restaurant.

[Big J Okerson]

There you go.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I did. I just remembered.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yeah, that's who it is.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I mean, literally, for like, two days when I was a teenager.

[Big J Okerson]

Absolutely. You got fired for fighting your co worker for doing a very nice thing while you were probably off and smoking weed. You are a unscrupulous.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Guys, guys. These are your last answers. You're gonna let Jay win right now. What is wrong with you?

[Big J Okerson]

You think it's me?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

No, it's not you. It's L. Obviously. It's so obviously L. What are we doing here?

[Big J Okerson]

I did. I did think it was L at first.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Fucking retarded. I'm just saying, like, I obviously was not a waiter ever. I worked as a busboy when I was 15 years old for like three days.

[Big J Okerson]

It just says I worked at a restaurant. Doesn't say you were a waiter. Oh, it took your tables.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Tables.

[Big J Okerson]

You have your bus. Tables.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I'm fighting somebody for bussing my tables. I'd high five them, probably. Thank you for busting my tables.

[Big J Okerson]

You do really care.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You don't get tips for Busing tables.

[Big J Okerson]

Don't you, though?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

No.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't know. I never worked in a restaurant for real.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I simply forgot.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm change this to Elking, and I. I swear to God, if you lead me wrong o, I don't know what I'm gonna do. You think?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

All right.

[Jared Freed]

I don't care.

[Elle King]

Now he's lying. They pull the tips. That's why I got in trouble.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Jay, we want to keep this in family. I don't.

[Big J Okerson]

You're right. You'd win.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yeah, you're right. Wait, no. You win, though, if you're right.

[Big J Okerson]

If I'm right, I win.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

But if you are, you're actually. You know what, Jay? Vote for me. L. King.

[Big J Okerson]

Now talk to me for real, though. Is it you?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yes. Good. Vote for me.

[Big J Okerson]

Is this how you feel when I do this to you?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I would never lie to you. Go ahead, vote for me.

[Big J Okerson]

Fuck. Yakov, where are you leaning?

[Alex]

Wow.

[Elle King]

Were you gonna wipe that off?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

He drew a penis.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, I'm just doodling. Yeah, he's going out. It's L. Lewis.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

It's.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Yeah.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Do what you got to do, my friend.

[Big J Okerson]

I hate this.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You're so close to winning right now.

[Big J Okerson]

Why would you do this? Why would you just see your friend?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I'm not doing anything to you. You know what? Either way, it's going to save the story wars. Library, it feels like thing.

[Big J Okerson]

Would you do this to me? Would you hurt me?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Yes.

[Big J Okerson]

That's why God gave you a gay son.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You know, he loves this show. And he's gonna hate that Uncle J called him gay.

[Big J Okerson]

No, you're not really gay, but if you are, it's your father's fault. He just doubled down and rewrote my name bigger. He wrote it bigger, with more flair.

[Alex]

I was just doodling.

[Big J Okerson]

Damn, his voice is so satisfying. Everyone's in. The final story belongs to Alex.

[Audience]

That story belongs to Louis J. Gomez.

[Big J Okerson]

He said. He said. I'm sorry. My ear.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

You were so close to winning.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Christine.

[Big J Okerson]

Why are you laughing so hard?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, that was awesome. If he would have wrote Lewis, he would have won. Oh, he can never win. It's making me so happy. I'm so happy that I don't care that my son's gay.

[Big J Okerson]

It does ease the pain. And now you can read of these gay ass poems.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Let's do our final scores.

[Audience]

What about the story, Louis?

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, it was.

[Big J Okerson]

He's so excited that I lost.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I was. I was a busboy and. Yeah, it was a Mexican restaurant. Fiesta Cancun. And the reason and we didn't. It didn't matter how many tables you bust. These Mexicans were so good at busting tables. They were, like, just busting around me. I was like, I don't know how to fucking keep up with them. And then this one Mexican guy started taking my tables, and I didn't want to get fired because I wasn't fast enough. So I was like, hey, man, that's my table. And I don't speak Spanish. And he only spoke Spanish. So it just escalated into, like, this little, short Mexican guy getting in my face. Then I put my finger at him, and he grabbed my finger and bent it back. And I was like, ah. And then I told on him. I tried to, like, tell on him, and they were like, all right. And then they fired me. Anyway, in a couple days, I'm all fucked up. Shout out. Fiesta. Cancun. Great restaurant.

[Alex]

We'll get you another book.

[Big J Okerson]

That needs to be merch. We'll get you another book.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

I don't know why I feel so good to win.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh.

[Elle King]

Alex.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Final scores.

[Audience]

All right, our final score is. In last place with 13 points, Yakov Smoff in fourth place with 14 points, L. King in third place with 15 points, Big J Okerson.

[Big J Okerson]

What? I wasn't even second, dude. I thought I was second. I for sure was just like, second place to first loser. I'm the second loser.

[Yakov Smirnoff]

Big swing.

[Audience]

In second place with 17 points, Jared Freedom. And your winner tonight with 18 points, Louis J. Gomez.

[Big J Okerson]

Louis takes home a brand new copy of City Bird and Other Poems by Patrick James Dunnigan. How about a big round of applause for our entire panel up here tonight, everybody. The legend Yakov Smirnoff. The badass L. King, and the hilarious and handsome Jared Freed.

[Lewis J. Gomez]

Thank you very much. Nashville Comedy Festival, you guys have ruled so far. We got one more tomorrow night. If you guys. I think there's, like, 10 tickets left, so try to come back tomorrow night. Crazy panel. Tomorrow night. What a fun. You guys have a fun time. Fun time.

[Big J Okerson]

Thank you guys so much for joining us on Story Wars. Until next time, everybody. Peace.