040. John Crist, Robert Kelly, & Zac Amico | Chaos

Summary

Story Warz Episode 040 Summary: John Crist, Robert Kelly, & Zac Amico | Chaos

Introduction In episode 040 of Story Warz: A Game of Deceptive Storytelling, hosted by comedians Big Jay Oakerson and Luis J. Gomez from the GaS Digital Network, the final night of the Nashville Comedy Festival takes center stage. The episode features special guests John Crist, Robert Kelly, and Zac Amico, who join the hosts for an evening filled with laughter, competitive spirit, and chaotic storytelling.

Game Overview The premise of Story Warz involves each participant submitting multiple stories on a given theme—in this episode, the theme is "Chaos." Producer Alex reads out eight stories, with the panelists tasked to identify the true stories among the fabrications. Points are awarded for correctly guessing a story's author or successfully deceiving others about the story's origin.

Round 1: High School Hijinks [08:38] Alex begins the game with the first story:

"In high school, a cop car pulled up on my friends and I drinking in the woods. We ran and split up. I went back and collected all the booze and hid it behind my house and never told the rest of the group." — [08:38]

Louis Gomez immediately dismisses it:

"That is a pretty chaotic story. But that's not my story. You know this. I've only drank a handful of times before I was..." — [09:15]

The panel suspects John Crist, Robert Kelly, or Zac Amico. After heated debates filled with playful insults and comedic distractions (e.g., Big J stuffing a taco in his face), the story is revealed to belong to Louis Gomez.

Round 2: Dating Disasters [19:40] The second story reads:

"I called a black girl who I was on a date with, colored by accident." — [19:40]

The panelists engage in a heated discussion about racial terminology and the authenticity of the story. Louis Gomez confidently attributes the story to himself, asserting his lack of involvement in underage drinking, while John Crist and Robert Kelly challenge his claims. Ultimately, Alex confirms the story belongs to Robert Kelly.

Round 3: Stand-Up Struggles [29:35] Alex presents:

"I headlined a show where the feature had no arms and no legs. He closed on an inspirational speech. I couldn't follow him. One night, I decided to put one of my arms in my sleeve. When I walked out, I bombed for an hour. And an amputee military vet tried to fight me in the parking lot." — [29:35]

The panel suspects Louis Gomez due to the comedic mishap, but after intense banter and accusations of deceit, the story is again confirmed to be Louis's own, showcasing his self-deprecating humor about performing with physical limitations.

Round 4: Brake-less Driving [42:06] The fourth story:

"For a month, I drove a car with no brakes and would memorize routes to avoid going downhill." — [42:06]

John Crist vehemently denies the story, leading to a flurry of accusations among the panelists. After much deliberation, Alex identifies the story as Robert Kelly's, highlighting his penchant for reckless driving anecdotes.

Round 5: Mosh Pit Mayhem [58:21] Alex shares:

"I took someone on a third date to a music festival. We got locked into a surprise mosh pit on the lawn where we were both lifted off the ground and scared for our lives." — [58:21]

The panel debates the likelihood of each member experiencing such a chaotic date. Louis Gomez attributes the story to Big J due to its resemblance to his wild antics, while others consider Zac Amico's involvement. Ultimately, Alex confirms the story belongs to Zac Amico, who humorously relates it to his experience on a heavy metal cruise.

Round 6: Family Feuds [71:19] The sixth story reads:

"My father was involved in a melee that got him stabbed with a knife." — [71:19]

This deeply personal story sparks intense debate about the panelists' backgrounds and the authenticity of the narrative. Amidst heated exchanges and humorous deflections, Alex reveals the story as belonging to Robert Kelly, shedding light on his tumultuous family history.

Round 7: Wedding Woes [83:42] Alex presents the seventh story:

"In middle school, me and my buddy both tried to make a move on the same girl at the same time, unbeknownst to the other while watching a movie in the dark. And she let it happen." — [83:42]

The panelists analyze the awkwardness and comedic potential of the scenario. Louis Gomez points towards Big J due to its alignment with his flamboyant personality, while others consider Bobby Kelly's involvement. Alex confirms the story belongs to John Crist, adding another layer of complexity to his character.

Round 8: Inappropriate Encounters [96:59] The final story:

"One time on a trip I got walked in on by housekeeping while I was masturbating. And I got so scared that I threw my phone instead of covering up." — [96:59]

This risqué story leads to uproarious laughter and accusations of impropriety among the panelists. Louis Gomez rules it as his own due to its explicit nature, while Big J and Zac Amico argue over the authenticity. Alex finally declares the story as Zac Amico's, concluding the intense round.

Final Scores and Tiebreaker [104:59] After tallying points from each round, Louis Gomez and Zach Amico find themselves tied. A dramatic tiebreaker ensues, involving secret wagers and heated debates about the integrity of the game. Ultimately, Alex reveals the final scores:

• Louis J. Gomez: 16 points
• Zac Amico: 16 points
• John Crist: 14 points
• Robert Kelly: 16 points
• Big J. Okerson: 6 points

Due to the three-way tie, an overtime round is initiated with a new story, deciding the ultimate winner. The final story belongs to Zac Amico, who deftly navigates the chaos to secure victory.

Conclusion Louis Gomez emerges as the grand winner of the episode, securing the highest points through his consistent storytelling and strategic deception. The episode concludes with heartfelt (and humorous) acknowledgments among the panelists, celebrating friendship and the joy of competitive comedy.

Notable Quotes:

• Louis J. Gomez:

  "I'm hooked on espresso breakers, 8 milligram strength. I toss one in during our pre-show huddle to get my head in the game." — [18:38]

• John Crist:

  "You don't have a license. You think it's who?" — [47:22]

• Zac Amico:

  "I'm Shiprocked. And I love you so much." — [105:18]

• Luis J. Gomez:

  "It's all gay." — [87:50]

These moments encapsulate the dynamic interactions, comedic tensions, and playful rivalries that define Story Warz, making episode 040 a memorable installment in the series.

Transcript

[Louis J. Gomez]

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[Big J. Okerson]

Fill her up.

[John Crist]

You're listening to the GAS Digital Network. D Nashville Story wars with the Story Warriors, Big J Okerson and Lewis J. Gomez. What is up, everybody? Welcome to night four of Story wars, the Nashville Comedy Festival. Make some noise if you're in this room and you're feeling good. It's the final night.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Very excited to be here, guys. It's been incredible. Every single night, it has gotten crazier and crazier and more fun. I have a feeling tonight is gonna be no different because we have an incredible panel. But first thing first, has anybody clap your hands. If you've heard of Story wars, you know what you're here for. It's everybody.

[John Crist]

That's fantastic. How many people here are not familiar with Story Wars? All right, this bitch.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Okay, well, he just wandered in here, lady. How'd that happen?

[John Crist]

She'll get involved. Don't worry. Everybody loves Story Wars. We are your Story Warriors. Big J Okerson, the Puerto Rican rattlesnake, Louis J. Gomez. We have a fantastic, fantastic panel of guests tonight. Everybody. Very excited for this one. Did we save the best for last? Maybe, maybe we'll see our first guest contestant coming to the stage right now. You know him from the you know what dude podcast, the regs podcast. He's my work husband at the bonfire and his latest special kill box available right now. How about it for the living legend, the great Robert Kelly.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Bobby Kelly is a story warrior, which is very exciting. Very few people have won the show, so this is one of.

[Big J. Okerson]

I just had to stuff a taco in my face because Lewis won't let me eat on stage.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, it's on your lip now. Wipe your lip. We all saw it. Spit out of your mouth.

[John Crist]

E. You can't.

[Big J. Okerson]

Smokey, Kenny, don't blink.

[Alex]

Don't.

[John Crist]

You can do whatever you want, dude.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Your second competitor and guest is another story warrior. Actually, he's got his brand new show, Zach Amigo's morning Zoo started on Gas Digital next week. Ladies and gentlemen, clap it up for another living legend, Zach Amico.

[Alex]

Just a little, you hold me down.

[John Crist]

You holding me back. And that's the sound.

[Alex]

I mean, I calling you.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, hello.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What if we somehow got another. A fatter competitor now?

[John Crist]

And our next competitor, in the interest of space. You know him from his podcast, Net Positive. He is the author of the book delete that, everybody. How about it for Nashville's very own, the great John Crist, everybody.

[Robert Kelly]

Let'S do it.

[John Crist]

And the lightning strikes Another hurricane. A sleepless night as the turn runs on out of control Deep in our hearts the thunder rolls. Yeah, that felt. That is so much cooler than comedy.

[Robert Kelly]

Way cooler.

[John Crist]

Miss your tits.

[Zach Amico]

Hey, when you guys are done pandering, John's not even at the table.

[John Crist]

He's not even at the table and.

[Robert Kelly]

I got no money.

[John Crist]

Bobby's on my lap.

[Robert Kelly]

I got no. Oh, I'm good.

[John Crist]

John's in the audience.

[Big J. Okerson]

Gucci John, you good looking son of a bitch.

[Robert Kelly]

He asked me if I could do the show and the first question he asked was, how much do you weigh? I go, why would you ask that?

[John Crist]

Yeah, doing story war is a getting on a private or a biplane. You know what I mean? You have to make sure everything's a lot of things taken into consideration.

[Louis J. Gomez]

If this was an airplane and Zach was in the middle seat, I would ask for a refund.

[John Crist]

Yeah, I have some notes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Tweeting at Delta. I was like, what the fuck's going on right now?

[John Crist]

If you are here, if you're this lady and you're unfamiliar with story wars, you're listening at home for the first time. Quick exclamation of the game, everybody on this panel, all five of us, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one specific subject. Tonight's subject, Louis Chaos. Chaos. Our lovely producer Alex is going to read eight of those stories off one at a time, in no particular order. There can be doubles. When you see the story pop up here on the screen. If it's your story, you're the only person who knows that it's your job to fool everybody else. It's not your story. And if it isn't your story, it's your job to figure out whose story it is.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Every time you guess a story correctly, you get two points. Every time you fool a person, you get one point. Or once you have your answer written on the dry erase board, you put the dry erase board right here in this little slot. That means it is your final answer, you cannot change it. And I'll tell you right now, this is going to be a lot of fun. We all know Story wars is fun. We all play it for laughs and fun. But that's not it. Jay, let everyone know what we're playing for today.

[John Crist]

We are always playing for a book from the Story wars library. And tonight's book, a brand new copy of Lysistrata by Aristophanes. Translated by Doug Parker. Doug lysistrata is a 2004 year old comedy that still hits like a scandal. In it, the women of Greece, fed up with endless war, decide to withhold sex until the men agree to peace. And it spirals into absurd, riotous chaos. It's bold, funny and shockingly relevant.

[Robert Kelly]

Is that a thing?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

What is that a Story wars thing?

[Louis J. Gomez]

What are you talking about?

[Robert Kelly]

The Woo Woo Woo?

[John Crist]

Yeah, it's original.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, I guess it must be.

[John Crist]

Yeah, I guess it's the thing we do.

[Zach Amico]

PEOPLE CHEERING.

[John Crist]

If everyone's up to speed. Without any further ado, miss your tits.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I can. By the way, I can see Areola on your right tit.

[John Crist]

I think you can see Areola. Am I right? Am I looking hard? Am I looking too hard?

[Zach Amico]

Oh, wait, I've been looking at this lady's tits.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hold on.

[John Crist]

No, her tits are fantastic. But they're. They're covered over here. I think there's like full.

[Zach Amico]

They're both gentlemen. This good for you boys?

[Big J. Okerson]

I like his tits.

[John Crist]

Hey guys, whosever tits are your tits? Good tits.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And Solit, Is that your wife, sir? With their tits all hanging out like that? Hell yeah. That's not very Christian of you, but it's all right. I thought this was Nate Borgatzy country.

[John Crist]

How dare you. I think everyone's ready for work and.

[Zach Amico]

Your wife's got some big slobbers.

[John Crist]

For the final time at the Nashville Comedy Festival. Are we Ready for war? Yeah. Then without any further ado. Alex.

[Alex]

Story number one.

[John Crist]

No, wait, I was gonna say it. I'm just posing for this picture.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I thought you were pausing for dramatic effect.

[John Crist]

Story number one.

[Alex]

Story number one. In high school, a cop car pulled up on my friends and I drinking in the woods.

[John Crist]

Louis.

[Alex]

We ran and split up. I went back and collected all the booze and hid it behind my house and never told the rest of the group.

[John Crist]

You piece of shit.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That is a pretty chaotic story. But that's not my story. You know this. I've only drank a handful of times before I was.

[John Crist]

Stop saying that. Stop saying that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's.

[John Crist]

Put it on. Stop saying it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Bobby stopped drinking at 9 years old after an AA meeting.

[John Crist]

This isn't Bobby. Yeah, Bobby. Vehicular homicide at a kid when he was 11. So he had to stop drinking.

[Big J. Okerson]

Not true. That is not true.

[Zach Amico]

It's not me. Cuz it said we ran.

[John Crist]

Yeah, there's no running. And it's not John because his last name is Christ. And he wouldn't.

[Robert Kelly]

No, I had to blame it on somebody else.

[Zach Amico]

Bobby, when did you get sober?

[Big J. Okerson]

Thirteen. What? I got so. No. Fifteen. Sorry. I started drinking at ten. This could be me.

[Zach Amico]

But how old were you? Fifteen. In eighth grade. What did you get into? High school?

[Big J. Okerson]

I got it. I was in high school.

[Zach Amico]

Okay. And did you drink in high school?

[Big J. Okerson]

No, I got sober at 15.

[John Crist]

Yeah, but high school starts.

[Big J. Okerson]

I was in jail. I was in jail and then I went into high school.

[John Crist]

Why are you saying, like you didn't want to admit that to us? Something. All right. You found me out.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Bobby has the origin story of the Penguin.

[Big J. Okerson]

And Zach has the body.

[John Crist]

Together, you guys rule the tunnels.

[Robert Kelly]

It's a matter. It's a matter of who. Who on this would be who. Who's the most drinking in the woods energy up here.

[John Crist]

Well, woods, Woods, Woods, I think is pretty important here. I grew up in West Philadelphia. We did have woods. I think the kids would drink there. But I wasn't a high school drinking popular kid at all.

[Robert Kelly]

Sounds like a cover to me.

[John Crist]

Does it? Could be a lie.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's hard because I don't know him. He's very good looking.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Like high school parties.

[Big J. Okerson]

I feel like you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You.

[Big J. Okerson]

Do you drink now?

[Robert Kelly]

I do not.

[Big J. Okerson]

You don't drink? Have you ever. Have you ever had drinks?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. I've been sober for five years.

[Big J. Okerson]

You're sober?

[John Crist]

Yeah, five years.

[Robert Kelly]

So for five years.

[John Crist]

It's John.

[Robert Kelly]

Chris.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It could be John.

[John Crist]

It's. It very well could be John.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's you, right? Because you can't lie because you're Christian. It's you, right? Look at me. Look at me. God will hate you. Look at me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're committing a deadly Bobby.

[John Crist]

I like this. Ask him the question straight up. If the lights flicker, he's lying. It's you. I think, Bobby. That's a good sell, dude. I think this is it.

[Zach Amico]

Hard for you to say sober because every time you touch water, it turns to wine. Nice.

[Robert Kelly]

Some people are so heathen in here, they don't even get that reference.

[John Crist]

Our audience has no idea what that means. That's what Jesus did. Miss your tits.

[Big J. Okerson]

Can you scooch over a hair, dude?

[John Crist]

I mean, just wait.

[Zach Amico]

I thought you said Mr. Tits and I turned around.

[John Crist]

Mr. Tits. Where do you chime in on this before you feel bad about what I've said? I'm Mrs. Tits.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I mean, I'm definitely. As soon as the story was read, I was leaning toward John.

[John Crist]

Really?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, I'll tell you right now, it was definitely not me. Me and my friends were not drinking in high school.

[John Crist]

Worthless.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's.

[John Crist]

Lew is a fucking liar, and I'm not talking people out of him anymore. He ruined my week.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We all lie on the show, Jay. You can't be upset yet. Last night in the last story.

[John Crist]

I know, but you come in with a whole earnest. And you say it, and I believe you because you're my friend and I don't think you'd lie to me. And then I become your fucking big, hey, guys, it's not Louis. And then you take points and then you win, and then what you do, you laugh at me for losing last night.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, I don't. I don't want to give any spoilers because I don't know if this one will be out before last night's, but last night's. On the last one, I just stole it from Big J. And right before they read it, I leaned into him and I went, I'm sorry.

[John Crist]

He apo.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, yeah.

[John Crist]

I was winning. At the last story, a come from behind victory brought to you in part, by the way, by double points. I was cruising the victory. I informed everybody that the last story was Louis and then talked myself out of Lewis the last moment. And then at the last moment, and then Lewis leaned over to me right before they said the story, he goes, I'm so sorry. And he ripped the book away from me so much that Yakov Smirnoff had to feel bad for me and promised me a different book.

[Zach Amico]

In Soviet Russia, book Reads you. I've been doing that joke for two fucking days.

[John Crist]

I'm okay with it.

[Zach Amico]

I won't stop.

[John Crist]

I got no problem with it.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's got to be John, because it says and I. It's. It's actually properly written and it says friends, not friend.

[John Crist]

Okay, Bobby, I'm putting my. Bobby, stop talking. You made the sale, dog. John. Chris.

[Louis J. Gomez]

John. Christ. That's my final vote. Nice and easy.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. Thank you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Everyone thinks it's John. Who does John think it is, though?

[Big J. Okerson]

Wait a minute.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wait.

[Robert Kelly]

What are you doing right now?

[Big J. Okerson]

What's up, dude?

[John Crist]

No, I don't like Bobby. Wait. Bobby, you sold me. What do you mean now you don't.

[Big J. Okerson]

Think John, look at me.

[John Crist]

Bobby. I'm bad at this game. I need your help. You've won before. What's he doing?

[Big J. Okerson]

You're a bj. That's dirty.

[John Crist]

No. Oh, he thinks it's me. Oh, then it's definitely him. Boom.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Does John need a new marker?

[Robert Kelly]

That marker, that's low budget.

[John Crist]

Why don't you guys get John a good marker? It's funny, you guys, because you guys are atheist fucking devil worshipers.

[Big J. Okerson]

Actually, God doesn't want him to play this game.

[John Crist]

Stop.

[Big J. Okerson]

Every marker you give him won't work.

[John Crist]

Jonathan, stop. Dry out his dry erase marker.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You are better than this, John.

[John Crist]

You are slumming it. You are currently slumming it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All of our answers are in Alex.

[Alex]

That story belongs to Zak amico.

[John Crist]

Come the on. Why do I want to believe? Leave my friends always. He said I can't run since high school.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I really just. That was the reason I didn't vote for him. But Zach used to be so much skinnier.

[John Crist]

I forgot how Skinner he was. Fuck. Miss your tits.

[Big J. Okerson]

He didn't come out like this.

[Robert Kelly]

I should have thought. What got me was. And I never told the rest of the group. I feel like the four of us, if we did that, we would be like, I got it. I got the alcohol. Never told the rest of the group is it's insane behavior.

[Zach Amico]

I had a giant stockpile.

[Robert Kelly]

That's crazy.

[Zach Amico]

It was like 15 people. And I took it all and I hid it behind my mom's garage. And that was my liquor for like the summer.

[Big J. Okerson]

And now you do it with tacos.

[John Crist]

Don't let the cops see my taco stash. Wow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Zach amigo just cleaned up clean. Round one came. Pulled way ahead.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, so he gets everybody's points.

[John Crist]

All right, so I see Zach's game every time there's activity in the story. It's Zachary.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Damn.

[Alex]

Alex, we're on the scoreboard. Everybody has zero points besides Zach Amico with four points.

[John Crist]

Reluctant. Reluctant Applause.

[Zach Amico]

Man, I wish I had double points on that.

[Robert Kelly]

What's the two?

[Big J. Okerson]

It's. It's double points.

[Zach Amico]

Hey, can we turn on the air conditioning so this lady has double points.

[John Crist]

Miss your tits.

[Robert Kelly]

I gotta make. I gotta make sure this guy stays in front.

[John Crist]

God damn right.

[Robert Kelly]

He's got a block. My pastor told me he's got to sit right there.

[John Crist]

Absolutely, sir. You have no idea your importance. Tonight you are John Crist, Guiding light. Keeping on the right path. Keeping away from monsters like us. Miss your tits. I don't know if that thing is see through or not, but I think I see through it. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Great tits.

[John Crist]

Sir, can I see your dick? So I don't feel like I'm just your family up.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Now. If she has children, they should be taken away by the state.

[John Crist]

Why?

[Big J. Okerson]

She's feeding them. Well.

[John Crist]

I'm gonna say something. John.

[Zach Amico]

Pluggers full of me and Bobby's.

[John Crist]

Jonathan, plug your ears. I'm gonna say that if this woman's nipples are bigger than this, I'd see them right now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right. Yo, what's good Story wars, fam? It's Louis J. Gomez and Big J Okerson bringing the heat on the wildest game show podcast ever.

[John Crist]

Look, I used to chain smoke to keep up with the chaos, but now I'm all about that Lucy train. Lucy's nicotine pouches are 100% pure nicotine. Zero tobacco. Louis, when are you gonna jump on that Lucy train? Right now. I'm obsessed with the Citrus breakers flavor. Zesty as hell. That doesn't mean gay. I go for the 6 milligram strength. Pop one right in before we start taping Story wars so I can stay sharp. That breaker capsule pops and it's like a Citrus Tsunami with extra hydration. Beats the hell out of chewing gum.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Damn straight. I'm hooked on espresso breakers, 8 milligram strength. I toss one in during our pre show huddle to get my head in the game. That's right. I take nicotine pouches to get my head in the game. Get your shit right, the subscription keeps them coming to my door. No hassle. Jay, ain't it wild how the capsules make every pouch feel like a flavor bomb?

[John Crist]

Yo, it's like cracking a glow stick for your taste buds.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ready to level up your nicotine routine? Hit Lucy Co wars with a Z and use code wars with a Z. For 20 off, your first order. Lucy has a 30 day refund policy for not vibing again. That's Lucy Code wars with a Z. For 20 off, tell them that Storywar sent you to support the show.

[John Crist]

Lucy products are only for adults of legal age, and every order is age verified. Warning. This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, story number two.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, no, it's not. You don't do it there. All right, my bad, my bad. Nah, it's false alarm.

[John Crist]

My fault, my fault, my fault.

[Big J. Okerson]

You just go, ooh, Ooh.

[Robert Kelly]

Yes. All right.

[Alex]

Story number two. I called a black girl who I was on a date with, colored by accident.

[John Crist]

John Crist.

[Robert Kelly]

It was on purpose.

[John Crist]

I didn't know what she was.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That is such a Southern story.

[Zach Amico]

Fuck.

[Big J. Okerson]

That's how you found Jesus, right?

[John Crist]

This could also be Bobby.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Bobby's old school.

[Zach Amico]

That's the girl.

[Robert Kelly]

I think she's here.

[Big J. Okerson]

First of all, I wouldn't do it by accident.

[John Crist]

Yes, you would. Bobby Boston. So inside of you. Yeah. Three times now, in our working relationship of three years, working together, daily I've said, damn, dude, did you even look around before you said that? And you went, did I say it? You don't even know it's not true. Person falls out of you.

[Big J. Okerson]

You put on NWA the Police. And I just sang the song right on live radio. But when you sing it, it's okay.

[John Crist]

Is that what you've heard?

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's what. That's what Bobby does when he calls black people the N word. He just sings it at them.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[John Crist]

Get off my lawn.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You.

[Zach Amico]

Get away from dawn.

[John Crist]

You.

[Robert Kelly]

You singing. It's okay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Big J wouldn't date a black girl. He's racist.

[John Crist]

That's wrong.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's not him that's wrong. Bobby. Bobby's. Bobby used to be a little player. Every color of the rainbow.

[Big J. Okerson]

I've dated black girls. Absolutely.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. And you're old, so you would accidentally call somebody colored and you're.

[Big J. Okerson]

Well, I'm so old that when you did it, it wasn't offensive.

[John Crist]

Yeah, that was like.

[Big J. Okerson]

It was actually what you called them.

[John Crist]

Yeah. She understood everything you were. You got to go before my family sees your ear. She goes, oh, I understand, Mr. Bobby. I'mma go wash off my face and leave here riding Jiffy.

[Zach Amico]

Are we missing that? It might be Korid. And that was her first name, and he mispronounced it.

[John Crist]

Ooh, that is very possible.

[Zach Amico]

Washington.

[John Crist]

Oh, Bobby reads phonetically. It could be Bobby.

[Zach Amico]

Still phonetically was her sister.

[John Crist]

Almost got them both when their mama Was out of town.

[Robert Kelly]

The joke is like that. That I'm just new here, but that Bobby's like, dumb or he's like not.

[John Crist]

No.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, that's the joke.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay, all right. Yeah, yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

I think it's racist. You.

[Robert Kelly]

No, no. They're all knocking on you. Yeah, yeah. Not this. This is helping for Maine's best decision.

[Zach Amico]

Let me catch you up. Bobby's dumb and I'm fat.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Let's go.

[Big J. Okerson]

Okay, Lewis is racist.

[John Crist]

This isn't Lewis. Because Lewis was deflecting. Lewis has never dated a black girl.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's not true. I dated. I had a full fledged black girlfriend.

[John Crist]

That's not true at all.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, it is. She cut the refrigerator cord.

[Louis J. Gomez]

When she caught me texting other girls, she cut the cord to my refrigerator and nearly electrocuted herself. It actually made her hair straight.

[John Crist]

Now she got the good hair. Oh, when was this?

[Louis J. Gomez]

You don't remember this, right during the beginning of the pandemic. That hot big booty.

[Zach Amico]

Ironically, it was a Black and Decker.

[John Crist]

She wasn't that black. Dude, that chick wasn't black.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She was straight up black from Washington dc.

[John Crist]

Oh, she was barely black.

[Zach Amico]

She was electrocuted. She was.

[John Crist]

Yeah. I thought she was light skins, half Hispanic. So she wasn't that black.

[Big J. Okerson]

You came up with a black circuit.

[John Crist]

You.

[Big J. Okerson]

You definitely dated black girls.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[John Crist]

But I didn't start in the black circuit in 1950s where I'd call a black girl colored. I'd call her sister before that. Come on, sista. Colored.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Colored is colored.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[John Crist]

I lowered my radio across 100 in history. Hey, colored girl. You want to drink from the cleanest water fountain you've ever seen?

[Big J. Okerson]

I think it's John.

[Zach Amico]

What's your dating history been like? Are you married?

[Robert Kelly]

I'm. No. I got a girlfriend.

[Zach Amico]

But before that, what's your. Have you been slinging dick or you've been kind of a monogamous.

[John Crist]

It's okay. You know, Jesus had hair of wool.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. What is it?

[Robert Kelly]

What's the deal? I thought that was John the Baptist.

[John Crist]

Jesus was black. I don't know if you know that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, yeah, Mary Magdalene was definitely black.

[Robert Kelly]

Now my mom has a photo with Jesus hugging Trump. They're both white.

[John Crist]

No.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, they're both white.

[John Crist]

She was there for that.

[Robert Kelly]

It's on the fridge. Jesus hugging Trump. Both very white. Both very white, so.

[John Crist]

Oh, my God. That was the hottest ticket in Tennessee that day.

[Robert Kelly]

I would feel more comfortable having this discussion if the crowd wasn't entirely white. That would be.

[John Crist]

That is not our fault. Black people don't love jokes about black people.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They hate them.

[Big J. Okerson]

There's one colored person, he. Oh, don't say no, no, no joke.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, no, no, no.

[Big J. Okerson]

It was shit.

[Zach Amico]

Come on. Hey, guys, guys, let's not be dicks about this. You think black people are coming to a show where the prize is a book?

[Big J. Okerson]

Holy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We have jumped the shark, everyone.

[John Crist]

That's it.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm not.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Black people can't jump sharks because they don't swim.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, you're up, Jay.

[John Crist]

John. Chris.

[Robert Kelly]

What?

[Louis J. Gomez]

You think it's Chris? I think this is Bobby.

[Robert Kelly]

I feel like there's different parts of this pod where I feel like because I'm off the table, I might be off the camera, and I'm not sure. I'll be like, I wasn't. I wasn't there for that part.

[Louis J. Gomez]

My final post, Robert Kelly locked in.

[Zach Amico]

Really for strategic reasons.

[John Crist]

I'm going, Bob, not me.

[Big J. Okerson]

I think it's.

[John Crist]

I'm going jump this.

[Big J. Okerson]

I don't know.

[Zach Amico]

Because whoever's wrong, I don't want them to get all the points. So I want to split it up.

[Big J. Okerson]

I'm going, Big J. John now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think it might be John because I don't think he cares about his answer. Why would you think Big J? That's crazy.

[Robert Kelly]

That was podcast for the first time, and that's what I would say.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't think so, but that's why I think it's Bobby. Also, Jay. Nice handwriting.

[John Crist]

Thank you, Alex.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All of her answers are locked in.

[Alex]

That story belongs to Robert Kelly.

[Big J. Okerson]

I. I was very nervous. I was. It was my first black girl that I dated. I was very in love with her. And it was just when it went from that word to African American and I. And black. I didn't. I was confused on what's. Which word to use.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

To not be offensive. And I.

[John Crist]

Why did you have to use any. Why do you have to describe her color to her?

[Big J. Okerson]

Because I said, I. This is the first.

[John Crist]

Did you go, sweetheart, being that you're a no colored person, African American. Did I jump the shark?

[Big J. Okerson]

I said. I was like, I've never dated. I was gonna say black, but then I was like, African American. I was like, that's the wrong one. And then I said that. And she was like, motherfucker, I ain't. Bitch, I ain't colored.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

And she actually forgave me. She's like, I understand. And then we had a great date, and me and Debbie dated for a little while.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Debbie. Her name was Debbie.

[John Crist]

Debbie.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, Debbie.

[John Crist]

Was there a Z in there? Somewhere or apostrophe.

[Zach Amico]

Oh, the apostrophe. E, B. What?

[Big J. Okerson]

She was one of. I was.

[John Crist]

Her name is the B. I remember.

[Big J. Okerson]

I went to pick her up at her house in a very dangerous neighborhood. And she came out of the house with a bowl of peaches. And she. White people, like, she walked up, she's like, baby, you want a peach? I was like, I do. And then she fed me a peach.

[Robert Kelly]

I think you can.

[John Crist]

She had the yellow. She goes, get out of here. He. My boyfriend leave. Malone. Lamar.

[Robert Kelly]

He said this was before it switched. When did it. When did it switch?

[John Crist]

1957.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I thought it was them. I thought it was the Gettysburg Address.

[Big J. Okerson]

Well, down here, it switched that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

When. When President Lincoln said it wasn't okay anymore.

[Robert Kelly]

That guy was there. Dude, I think it was him.

[Zach Amico]

It switched four score in seven years ago.

[Big J. Okerson]

This guy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, where are our points at?

[Alex]

All right on the scoreboard. With two points each, tied for second place, Lewis J. Gomez and Robert Kelly. And in the lead with six points, Zak Amico.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[John Crist]

And you didn't say my name.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, if you're score. If you're scoring, by Christ's rules, the first shall be last.

[John Crist]

But by the way, I like you to know that me and John both have voted for each other, both stories, and both eaten shit hard.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, John, I mean, him voting for you was just a crazy vote. It made no sense.

[John Crist]

I look like a problem. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know you guys reputations that well.

[John Crist]

Yeah, no, Louis is the piece of shit, everyone. I'm the sweet, nice guy.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, Jay, you look like a real weirdo up here.

[Big J. Okerson]

You don't know the reputation of a guy with pink fingernails.

[John Crist]

Okay? They're dip gel. And I'll say this, it's supposed to strengthen them. Miss your tits, Alex. Story number three.

[Alex]

Story number three. I headlined a show where the feature had. No, it's not Lewis.

[John Crist]

All right, that does whittle it down.

[Zach Amico]

It's fucking Jay.

[John Crist]

It's J and me. That's it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Let him read the story, Bobby.

[Big J. Okerson]

I'm sorry.

[Alex]

I headlined a show where the feature had no arms and no legs. He closed on an inspirational speech. I couldn't follow him. One night, I decided to put one of my arms in my sleeve. When I walked out, I bombed for an hour. And an amputee military vet tried to fight me in the parking lot.

[John Crist]

This story, story reeks of Lewis. Headlined, he does everything. This is everything that Lewis would go, like what?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I would. I would do that.

[John Crist]

All these things you Would do you go. You know what will ingratiate me to this guy? I'll pretend I have no arm. I've been. Let me tell you something. This ain't me, but I've been in this situation. I've had. I've given a guest spot to a handicapped person and they ended on like. Like they think that we can't do the thing and John wants to leave. No, no, this is you. You don't know the guy. It's a direct impression. You. No, I'd get an Oscar if I was playing him. If you do, people can do what they want to do.

[Louis J. Gomez]

If you do this, you can get a golden ticket on Kildoni.

[John Crist]

And then. Wait, let me show you my misshapen shoulders and limp, though, first.

[Zach Amico]

Meow.

[John Crist]

John Crist. I'm going. John Crist, once again, for third time in a row, playing a numbers game.

[Robert Kelly]

I feel like this went from. This went from hiding alcohol from the cops to racism to where does the. Where does the show go from here?

[John Crist]

Well, the natural progression. We kill a person.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Pure chaos.

[Big J. Okerson]

Then we all suck on her title.

[John Crist]

It really degenerates into a full blown.

[Robert Kelly]

Room or I headlined.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This is a chaotic story. I would do this. I will admit that. Bombing for an hour sounds like me and an army vet trying to fight me. We wouldn't try to fight. We would fight. I. I can see this being John. John seems like he'd be booked for military gigs.

[Robert Kelly]

That's. That's kind of.

[John Crist]

I don't know why, but that's a necessary military gig. It says an amputee military vet that was there also. So there was multiple people in the room. I understand what you're saying.

[Zach Amico]

So it was a VFW show, which means Geno booked it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Zach, your references aren't gonna work with people that nobody knows.

[Zach Amico]

Sorry. It means a very. A very old man comedian from New York used to book shows at VFWs, which makes me think it's New York side, not John.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Why?

[Big J. Okerson]

They don't have those down here.

[Zach Amico]

John. Do they have bad VFW military shows down here?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but they're. No, they're good.

[John Crist]

Oh. I thought you were asking if they have handicapped people here. They have handicapped people here. No, I didn't think so. God, country.

[Robert Kelly]

Send them to Joel Osteen.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, they call them colored.

[John Crist]

Fix them right up. There's so much arm behind that baby arm. I'm just pulling it out. John again. I keep saying John, but it's got.

[Louis J. Gomez]

To be John eventually.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's John.

[Robert Kelly]

These Are random.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They're all.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, yeah, they're in.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It could be. It could be two Bobby stories in a row. This also could be. This sounds like a Bobby story. Could easily.

[John Crist]

That's exactly what I went to and I'm going with it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Bobby was.

[Zach Amico]

This year it's 100 a Bob story.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Bobby, is this you?

[Big J. Okerson]

No.

[John Crist]

Why'd you think about it?

[Big J. Okerson]

Because you asked me a question and I like to think about things.

[Robert Kelly]

How did he.

[John Crist]

Bobby, What? Is this not you?

[Big J. Okerson]

Yes.

[John Crist]

Okay, Bobby. It is. Bob.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Bo could be a dub. We haven't had. We haven't had two stories in a row in a while for somebody. And that happens. Just a pure game of numbers. He wrote Booby.

[Big J. Okerson]

Why'd you write Booby?

[John Crist]

I wrote it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's thinking of this girl still.

[John Crist]

Is that you think you wrote Booby? Yeah, I wrote Bobo. Oh, I thought you were B O B B, O E.

[Big J. Okerson]

Rooney.

[Zach Amico]

As he wipes sweat off his forehead when everyone votes for him.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That didn't help with the feature. Had no arms and no legs. He closed on an inspirational speech. I could not follow him. One night I decided to put one of my arms in my sleeve. And when I walked out, I bombed for an hour. And an amputee military vet tried to fight me in the parking lot.

[John Crist]

Did somebody ask you to do that?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I needed to read it out loud. There's too much chaos happening right now. That's the theme of the show.

[John Crist]

That was crazy what you just did on a show. Bing, bang, bang. Couldn't follow him one night. Decided to. That makes me feel like it's you and not baboo.

[Big J. Okerson]

But it's headlining.

[John Crist]

Yeah, that does make a scene. But it's a show where they've let in people with no arms to work.

[Big J. Okerson]

If Lewis bombed, he would have called one of us and told us that story.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You think I call you every time I bomb? I think I call you every weekend. No, it's insane.

[John Crist]

But when you bomb because you put your arms in and acted handicapped after a handicapped person was on stage, you. I would know that. But Bobby has been doing comedy since. I believe he said earlier 1950 something. When you could make fun of handicaps. They called him invalids. Yeah, and they would thalidomide people. So this is Babu.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm going with my original instinct. John Chris.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm going. Bobby.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Bobby, you going?

[Big J. Okerson]

You going with me?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, I'm going with John Chris.

[Big J. Okerson]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[John Crist]

Okay.

[Robert Kelly]

That's.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Bobby's looking very excited about it now.

[John Crist]

He does, right? He was like. He's like, you know what? Me? No, no. Oh, okay. You're good.

[Big J. Okerson]

No, John. It's John.

[John Crist]

But why you. But you wouldn't want Bob. You wouldn't want Lewis to write John. You wouldn't want him to get points with you. You wouldn't get ahead.

[Big J. Okerson]

Why I would get points with you?

[John Crist]

Direct him in the wrong way. Direct them to you, then.

[Big J. Okerson]

No, let him get.

[John Crist]

No, but why wouldn't you direct him to you to take his points away.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Let people play how they play.

[Big J. Okerson]

I'm just saying, dude, let him get points.

[John Crist]

I'm trying to save you right now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm trying to save me.

[Big J. Okerson]

No, it's.

[John Crist]

Bobby is trying to direct you away from John.

[Louis J. Gomez]

John, swear in this Bible. Tell me it's not you.

[John Crist]

Yeah, he's trying to direct you towards John. He's like, oh, good, good, good. You're saying John Bible. Why would Bobby want you to have the point points? Why would he make sure you don't pick wrong and he gets the points.

[Big J. Okerson]

He's my friend.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's my friend.

[Big J. Okerson]

He's my friend.

[John Crist]

You really need a father.

[Big J. Okerson]

What's up, brother?

[John Crist]

Bobby's not your father.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Your father left you.

[John Crist]

I know. It was by choice.

[Zach Amico]

Your father left Earth.

[Big J. Okerson]

Wow.

[John Crist]

That's how much he wanted to be away from you. Miss your tits. I do it like sitcoms. Sometimes it's sad. Miss your tits. And then when I'm winning, I'll be like, miss your tits.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm going. Man's original. I think, John.

[John Crist]

Christ, you're a dumb ass.

[Robert Kelly]

Why do I have a cross?

[Big J. Okerson]

You did good.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, no. Alex. All of our answers are in. Might be Bobby toys that are all pissed.

[Alex]

That story belongs to John. Chris.

[John Crist]

Yes. I'm terrible at this game.

[Robert Kelly]

You had it. Lewis knows. Lewis knows.

[Louis J. Gomez]

There we go.

[Zach Amico]

I'm very impressed.

[Robert Kelly]

That was the Little Rock loony bin. Yeah. And. Yeah, that. It's a real story.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And he tried to fight. What happened in the fight? Did you. Did you try to fight him back?

[Robert Kelly]

Well, I thought that was gonna. Because the pro. Okay. It was Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. You guys know how the club. So we, like, we. We become buds. Like, we were. I was driving him everywhere and we were like, so in the.

[John Crist]

Well, you had to.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, yeah.

[Zach Amico]

It was manual.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He just threw him in the back of the pickup truck.

[John Crist]

He goes, here, hold the wheel when I shift gears. Oh, I'm back.

[Robert Kelly]

So he was in the. He was like. Like I was like. I couldn't follow him because he did this whole thing. And then, like, he gave this whole inspiring speech, and he got a standing ovation, which I thought was offensive. Offensive.

[John Crist]

It should have been. It should have been.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

Did they applaud, too?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

Look at another thing you can't do.

[Zach Amico]

Wait. You had to drive the feature around. Yeah, Well, I mean, obviously.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That. That he. I would load him up, or. I don't know how you say it, but yeah. Brett Eastman is.

[Big J. Okerson]

Did he come in a box?

[John Crist]

Yeah, sort of.

[Robert Kelly]

But he was. He was hilarious because he was like, man. Mentally, he was all. There. He was. But he was just. It was. It was hilarious.

[John Crist]

Yeah. Yeah. He's missing all kinds of parts.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

His sense of smell was great. He could see real sharp, but he was funny.

[Robert Kelly]

And then I was like. I was bomb every night. I was like, what. What do I have to do to follow this?

[John Crist]

You had to follow a pillow with a head.

[Robert Kelly]

They, like, put him. He had a table. They, like, put him on a table.

[John Crist]

Oh, my Christ.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah. No.

[John Crist]

Oh, my. Chris.

[Robert Kelly]

No, he had, like a.

[Big J. Okerson]

Was it his table or did they have.

[Robert Kelly]

I think they brought a table.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Table.

[Big J. Okerson]

They have to have a table that isn't a rider. Diet Coke and a table.

[John Crist]

You can't make him. Do not make him have to check a table every time he goes somewhere. Come on, just have a table for him. Dude, don't be a. He had. That would be awful.

[Robert Kelly]

Hottest girlfriend, though.

[John Crist]

Of course.

[Big J. Okerson]

No way.

[Zach Amico]

You went on the road with a glow worm?

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[John Crist]

Hottest girlfriend.

[Robert Kelly]

Hottest girlfriend I've ever seen.

[John Crist]

What was her damage?

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know. We didn't talk about it. She was like, his handler or something.

[Big J. Okerson]

No, she.

[John Crist]

Did he have a.

[Zach Amico]

She was his feetler, too.

[John Crist]

Did he have a wiener?

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, he didn't get that close, no. I don't know.

[John Crist]

Do you think he just lived in her stomach? Like, quado?

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know what that is.

[John Crist]

Did he ever tell you, did he.

[Zach Amico]

Lose the limbs in war?

[Robert Kelly]

No, he would like. He was born like that.

[John Crist]

At any point in the weekend, did he inform you to turn on the reactor to get an atmosphere on Mars?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay, they don't watch Total Recall science fiction down here. They don't care.

[John Crist]

You don't watch Total Recall? Oh, miss, you're a titch.

[Big J. Okerson]

Speaking of quato.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, well, there we go. Alex. We're points at after round three.

[Alex]

All right, after round three. In fifth place with zero points, Big J Okerson.

[Robert Kelly]

Wow.

[Big J. Okerson]

Wow.

[John Crist]

We're only halfway through the game with.

[Alex]

Two points, John Crist.

[Robert Kelly]

I only got two for that on the board.

[John Crist]

Yeah, you Fooled two people.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Two people.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, okay. I got it. Got it.

[Alex]

Tied for second place with four points each, Lewis J. Gomez and Robert Kelly.

[Robert Kelly]

All right, I'm not worried about that.

[John Crist]

They're in cahoots.

[Alex]

And in the lead with six points. Zach Amico, we gotta go.

[Robert Kelly]

Six.

[John Crist]

All right. This is the regs trying to suppress me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yo, it's Louis J. Gomez and Big J Okerson coming at you from Story wars, the wildest game show podcast in the world. Man, we are hyped to talk about Brunt Workwear, the boots that have got our feet feeling like they're on vacation. While we're dodging verbal grenades up here. Jay, what's the deal with your Brunt kicks?

[John Crist]

Yo, Louis, I'm rocking the Marin 6 inch soft toe. Check these bad boys out.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They look more like five and a half inches.

[John Crist]

Nope, no, no. I measure from the base straight out the box. These things are comfier than the couch. Most boots I've worn. Shit. Weeks of breaking torture. Like walking on bricks. Brunt, it's like they hug my feet. Day one.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hell yeah. I've got the toes. Waterproof, safety toe. Look at this. Beautiful. I'm stomping around like I'm ready to build a skyscraper, but they feel like my favorite sneakers. Other brands, forget it. Blisters for days. Brunt's built for real work. No break in bs and they've got pants, jackets, the whole deal. Tough as hell, but comfy. Jay, you think these boots could survive your stand up rants?

[John Crist]

Survive? These could survive your Puerto Rican temper tantrums. Louis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Guilty. Look, Brunts founder Eric Girard grew up blue collar and named these boots after his tradie buddies. They're legit, waterproof, safety toe, whatever you need.

[John Crist]

Brunt doesn't just make a durable work boot. They reinvented comfort for the hardest workers out there. For a limited time, Story wars listeners get $10 off at Brunt by using Code wars with a Z. W, A R Z at checkout. Just head to Brunt Workwear B R u n t workwear.com and use code wars with a Z and you're all set. After you purchase, they're going to ask you where you heard about them. Please support the show by telling them story Awards sent you. All right, let's get back into it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex. Story number four.

[Alex]

Story number four. For a month, I drove a car with no brakes.

[John Crist]

And if this isn't Louis, I'm gonna fucking kill myself, dude.

[Alex]

And would memorize routes to avoid going downhill.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, my gosh.

[John Crist]

Dude.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That'S a. That's a waste. I mean, by the way, I did. When I was in high school, my. My car did. Its brakes went out completely, and I almost crashed into a house, but I didn't drive it around for a month. That's crazy.

[John Crist]

He's lying. He does this constantly.

[Robert Kelly]

All right?

[John Crist]

And then he gets me. He says something like that. And then I go, yeah, Louis, what is that? Come on up. Constantly. I'm so. I'm gonna leave this open. This could very much be Lewis. Don't listen to me at all. I've never heard this story, but he is a reckless. Dare I say Chinese woman like driver.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I will say I am a horrible driver.

[John Crist]

Awful bad driver.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I am a horrible. I will admit that has nothing to do with the quality of my car.

[John Crist]

He said some. No cars are beautiful until he bashes them to pieces by crashing in other cars. And he says things like, dude, I'm doing good. I haven't been in an accident in six months. He said to me one time, that's impressive. Even the guy from major league who does the commercials goes, if you don't have an accident for a year, your price goes down. And Lewis can't get to that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I have a real. I have a hard time. Well, it's been. I got a new car in December after totaling the Audi, and it's been. What is it? January, February, March.

[John Crist]

Bobby, do me. I'm not gonna ask. John, can you give me a second opinion on this? Does that guy right there have a boner in his jeans?

[Big J. Okerson]

That's a. Yeah, that's right.

[John Crist]

That guy's completely rocked up, right? Yeah, that guy's got a complete fully. Don't turn around.

[Big J. Okerson]

That might. That might be a.

[John Crist]

Don't turn around.

[Big J. Okerson]

Can you do it, sir? Can you push down on it for me? Nope, it's not.

[John Crist]

Oh, optical illusion. Damn, dude. Sorry. I thought you had a super hard cop. No, my bad.

[Robert Kelly]

Wild.

[John Crist]

I didn't mean to pull the brakes.

[Zach Amico]

Real quick.

[Big J. Okerson]

More tits over there.

[John Crist]

Oh, my God, look at the tits. Damn, this town is tit heavy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, let's play the game.

[Zach Amico]

So, man, Nashville is the town of foreheads and tits, huh?

[Robert Kelly]

And that girl.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's what he called his opener. John, did you grow up with money?

[Robert Kelly]

No, my dad was a preacher.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That was a preacher?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

He grew up with everyone else's money.

[Robert Kelly]

That's a pretty good joke. That's a pretty good joke. That's a pretty good.

[Big J. Okerson]

Somebody get a picture of him shaking hands with. With him and send it to his father.

[John Crist]

I knew it. I knew you went. Now to get in entertainment, you become gay.

[Robert Kelly]

Why, Zach? Why did you say it was immediately. What kind of reputation does Lewis have that you were like, it's for sure, Louis.

[John Crist]

He just told you. This guy he's been driving, first of all, he's 40 something. He's been driving for three years. And in those three years, he was impressed that once he was not in an accident for six months.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, let Zach answer the question. Why do you think it was me, Zach?

[Zach Amico]

Because I spent every road gig with Lewis in his passenger seat. And I just hear, I got it on, bro. And I know that maybe she. Maybe work, whatever you then. And I go, as he almost collides into something, and that's the Audi that had the technology to stop.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I will say I should fucking sue Audi for the amount of times that it didn't stop. It's crazy.

[John Crist]

Lewis one time was in an accident, so his Audi was in the shop, and they gave him a loaner, and for some goddamn reason, they gave him like a fucking. Like a. What was it, a fucking muscle car? Oh, yeah, it was like a Challenger or something. And then. So I went to his house, and he goes, let's go. He goes, let's go pick up food for the gals. And I go, yeah, I'll drive. I brought my car. He goes, no, no, I want you to see the Charger. And I was like, no, I'll drive. I'll drive, dude. He goes, come on. And I was like, okay. It was raining terribly. Lewis lives in New Jersey with winding roads to get to this barbecue place. As we're watching, he's showing me, he goes, dude, look at how this thing hugs curves. He's taking 70 miles an hour. He's weaving down roads. And I go, lewis, dude, it's very dark here.

[Zach Amico]

Speaking of hugging curves, how you doing, miss?

[John Crist]

What's up, miss? Oh, miss your tits? Lewis is hugging these curves for sure. And we're almost going off the road. We're hitting grass, and I go, louis, those lights are. I think your lights aren't on. And he goes, dude, they're just low and we can't see anything. And it's raining, and he's flying around, and. And then we finally skid, where Lewis loses control over a second, goes, whoa, whoa. And I go, can you please pull over? And he did. And we found that lights, in fact, were not on at all. He was driving 30 miles above the speed limit, around corners, in the rain, in the dark, in the Dark. This is why. This is definitely his story.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I don't. Look, I vote for me all you want. I actually don't give a shit because you're not. I already know whose story it is, 100%.

[John Crist]

Who? What do you think? Go ahead, convince me. So I could tell everybody else and lose again.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm getting a vibe that this is Robert.

[Big J. Okerson]

You don't have a license.

[Zach Amico]

I don't have a license.

[Big J. Okerson]

You think it's who?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think it's Bobby Kelly's story.

[Big J. Okerson]

Me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Bobby Kelly's been driving for the better part of 40 years.

[John Crist]

When brakes could go out in the car because there was no computers.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, yeah, they. They. You'd have to your car inspected back in the day or any of that. Well, Bobby's being very quiet right now.

[John Crist]

He's also sweating and wiping his head again profusely.

[Robert Kelly]

And I don't know at the time if the Model T. Yeah, me. If the model T had brakes.

[John Crist]

It might even had brakes. It was a concept car at that point.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This is a logic.

[Big J. Okerson]

You put your feet down like Fred Flintstone.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Me being a bad driver does. Has nothing to do with not having brakes in your car. It's not the logic.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's Lewis.

[John Crist]

No, but. No, no. You being a bad driver is the person who would go, my car doesn't have brakes, but I'll give it a shot.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's 100% Lewis.

[John Crist]

I'm saying Lewis would never do that. Jay.

[Big J. Okerson]

Jay is too anal to have a car with a little thing wrong with it.

[John Crist]

Oh, my God. You can't do anal on a car with no brakes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't think it's Big J. I think this is Bobby Kelly. Jay, you're retarded. I. I genuinely think you're retarded.

[John Crist]

I don't care.

[Big J. Okerson]

Who did you pick? You picked me. Who'd you pick? Lewis.

[Robert Kelly]

You know, I thought you had the last.

[John Crist]

I said Lewis.

[Robert Kelly]

You can choose. You can read by now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Bobby's acting bad.

[Big J. Okerson]

What?

[John Crist]

Oh. Ah. Dude, come on now you touched it. Oh, come the. The on. Don't say you touched it.

[Big J. Okerson]

You. Come on, ask me again. Ask me again.

[Zach Amico]

Wait, wait. If Bobby's acting bad, the show's gonna get canceled this season. He's got a bunch of shows to get canceled.

[Big J. Okerson]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[John Crist]

It'S true. But you guys never watch those shows.

[Zach Amico]

If you guys have never seen the TV shows Bob's on.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Bobby, just write your answer. We know it's you. You.

[Big J. Okerson]

Okay, okay, okay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It doesn't matter. He's putting J Bot Big J. Bobby.

[Robert Kelly]

He's nervous.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You can't write your own name.

[Big J. Okerson]

I'm not right?

[Zach Amico]

No, he forgot how to spell your name.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Dude. He's.

[Big J. Okerson]

No, I think it's Big J.

[Robert Kelly]

Big J.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You just said it wasn't Big J. You know me. It wasn't Big J.

[John Crist]

You know, it's not.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It was Bobby the whole time.

[John Crist]

You're a son of a dude.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, all of our stories are in.

[Alex]

That story belongs to Louis J. Gomez.

[John Crist]

Oh, my God. Oh, this is amazing. Thank you guys so much. I didn't think it was gonna be Louis after all that. And, man, oh, man, I'm so happy. I don't know. Sometimes you wake up, I got your.

[Zach Amico]

Number, you dumb spick.

[John Crist]

Oh, my God. Oh. Miss your tits, I gotta tell you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. It was my 1989 Chevy.

[John Crist]

Let me have my moment. Oh, man.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ah.

[John Crist]

That was. And I almost. And I thought. Even. I'm sorry.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It was in high school. I had a 1989 Chevy Caprice, giant beast of a car. And this thing. I mean, everything was wrong with it. I had no insurance. I had no registration. We just drove this thing into the ground. The. The. It might have been more than a month with no breaks. And I used to time it at red lights. I would, like, slow down a mile down the road, and I take my foot off the gas. And the amount of times that I just straight up ran through red lights onto people's lawns, it was insane. So eventually, I had a. I had to memorize routes that didn't go downhill at all because I would literally die.

[Zach Amico]

So you couldn't drive on your own career?

[John Crist]

That.

[Big J. Okerson]

That wasn't funny, man.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It wasn't that good.

[Big J. Okerson]

That hurt.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. I've supported you in everything you do, Zach.

[John Crist]

I don't know, dude. I don't know if it was funny or if I'm just feeling good, but, man, that make me laugh. Zach. Good stuff, Lewis. Also, great story. I'm happy with every. You guys are all great.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I. I also couldn't go uphill because my car would.

[Zach Amico]

I was in it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, that. Whatever. It was like, it had no. No pickup, so it wouldn't go uphill and I couldn't go downhill. I had to find the flattest route.

[John Crist]

That is funny. You should have just gotten a fat friend to be your brakes.

[Zach Amico]

In the front. All right, now in the back, the.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Car, eventually, the car in the back, the car, eventually. It was so shitty that me and my friends just took it down to a place called Pex Pond and we beat it with hammers and baseball bats and left it like office space.

[John Crist]

That's crazy.

[Zach Amico]

That's also how Lewis got rid of his first ex girlfriend.

[John Crist]

Stupid car.

[Zach Amico]

How would you get another double jacked Diet Coke up here, please.

[John Crist]

Don't worry though. Lewis cut her fingertips off and took her teeth out.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So what were you saying, John?

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, if he. If he could only go uphill, how would you get home?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, I could barely go uphill and.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, but you had to come back to the original.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I had to go.

[John Crist]

I had to figure out all the story's a lie.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, it's a lie.

[Zach Amico]

If he had to get home, he just had to drive to the wrong side of the tracks.

[Robert Kelly]

That's like.

[John Crist]

Like.

[Robert Kelly]

Well, going uphill both ways to school, you had to come down.

[Big J. Okerson]

Who's the dumb one now, John?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I didn't. It wasn't that hilly, John. All right, where are points at?

[John Crist]

Oh, oh, someone gets fact checks. I was in one of those points.

[Alex]

On the scoreboard. Tied for last place with two points each. Big J Okerson and John Crist.

[Robert Kelly]

Hey, we're going to come back. We're going to come back. I'm not worried.

[John Crist]

Worried?

[Robert Kelly]

Are you worried?

[John Crist]

Nope.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm not either.

[Alex]

In third place with four points, Robert Kelly.

[John Crist]

Barely anything more.

[Alex]

In second place with six points, Louis J. Gomez.

[John Crist]

Whatever.

[Alex]

And in the lead with eight points, Zach Amico.

[John Crist]

Enjoy it now, you scallywag.

[Zach Amico]

About to really tank this. I'm about to really fucking blow this lead.

[John Crist]

Zach, I know you're panicking right now because you want this book so bad. Lysistrata. This Cygnet Classic Edition, translated by Douglas Parker doesn't treat the play like a museum piece. The language is fast, foul and electric, capturing the rhythm of everyday speech while keeping the poetic force of the original. It feels ancient and modern at the same time.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We are at the halfway point of the game. We did four stories. At this point, we do some plugs real quick. John, what are you plugging?

[Robert Kelly]

I'm just here to have fun, man.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Here to have fun. John does not respect our audience at all.

[John Crist]

None of these people come to his show. Please.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's like, please, can you bleep out my name?

[John Crist]

He doesn't need it. He doesn't want it. Tits. Save your cash.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Zach. Amigo.

[Zach Amico]

Zach Amico's Morning Zoo Monday Wednesday Friday Gas Digital Network I hope you guys fucking tune in. I'm really excited about it. I'm fucking pumped.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hell yeah.

[John Crist]

Hell yeah. Robert Kelly, Baboo.

[Big J. Okerson]

I just want you guys to have fun too. No, I'm kidding.

[John Crist]

Seriously.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No.

[Big J. Okerson]

The regs and the bonfire, make sure you check those out.

[John Crist]

Big J. Also, Bobby's gonna be at the county mothership and check out punchup Live Robert Kelly. I do his plugs every day. BigJComedy.com for all my days here. Punch up Live Robert Kelly. Sorry. Bobby gets money for that. I am all over the place. Big J Okerson's Peter North American tour coming on a city near you. If you get it, you get it, John, you don't get it. It's a point of reference. I apologize in advance, please. Like me still my first. Or actually now at both point. At this point, both halves of my double Crowd work special are currently out them they available right now on YouTube for free. Thank you for all your support. Keep up that support, please. And of course, the bonfire five days a week, faction talk series XM103 with me and the great Robert Kelly and the flagship show right here on the guest digital network, the legendary Legion of Skanks.

[Robert Kelly]

Can I get. Can I. How do I be involved? Can I join the Legion of Skanks?

[John Crist]

Yeah, of course.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Fourth skank. We could replace you. We could replace Dave Smith with you.

[John Crist]

I swear to God, if we voted right now, me and Lewis would vote unanimously to bring you in over Dave Smith.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Let's go.

[Big J. Okerson]

Why don't you tell him the core values before he joins this club?

[Zach Amico]

Well, listen, we'll fill you in if he turns from a conservative Christian to a liberal Jew over the years.

[Big J. Okerson]

You think the word colored was bad?

[Robert Kelly]

Why is Dave Smith on bad? He's on bad.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We love Dave.

[John Crist]

We love our Dave Smith.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Come see me live. I'm on tour right now. The Bring Five Friends tour. Come to a city near you. Bring five Friends. I'm desperate. And yeah, I'll be in Europe at the end of May with Scott Chaplin. And I'm filming a new special which is going to be directed by the great Robert Kelly in Tampa July 12th. There's, I mean, a handful of tickets left. So get them now. Don't wait till the last minute and make sure you guys, if you love this show, you should know that we do an uncensored and ad free version of the show. We bleeped out a lot of stuff. You know, John's over there, he pulls his dick out a lot during the show. If you want to see the uncensored version where John's pulling his dick out and beating it off, you have no.

[John Crist]

Idea what he's doing with this woman's tits.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Real pervert but, yeah, the uncensored version, ad free version all. And plus a bunch of on demand and episodes that are not available anywhere else are [e-mail] use the promo code Warz W A R Z to save on a premium membership. And yeah, check out all the other pods that I do. The Regs Legion of Skanks. And I do a bonus solo podcast for people on my mailing list. So join my mailing [e-mail] and that's that.

[John Crist]

That is that.

[Robert Kelly]

It's a lot of pods.

[John Crist]

Now. Yeah. I'm in last place. Who gives a fuck? This game is far from over because nobody's pulled far ahead. Who's winning?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Zach, Eight points.

[John Crist]

Whatever. I'm only six points away. And that's very easy to make up, that kind of distance. Easy is easy to make up, especially when we go for the final four stories. Couple points.

[Robert Kelly]

I got it. Now I'm in.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Dude, you got it. John knows what's up.

[John Crist]

I'm in, in case you're not to explain it really quickly. Whereas before, if you fooled anybody, you would pick up one point.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[John Crist]

If you guess the correct story, you got two points. Now that goes to double points.

[Zach Amico]

Do you get it now? He says double points. They play the music and then everyone does their impression. Yeah, the music and then everyone does their impression of a black person.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

Jesus Christ.

[John Crist]

That's Jesus, Zach. That's in the liner notes.

[Robert Kelly]

That's.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jesus Christ.

[John Crist]

Jesus Christ, Zach, Bobby, Alex.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Story number five.

[Alex]

Story number five. I took someone on a third date to a music festival. We got locked into a surprise mosh pit on the lawn where we were both lifted off the ground and scared for our lives.

[Big J. Okerson]

Not. It's not Jay or Zach.

[John Crist]

It's fair.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean this. It's so obviously Big J. Only Jay would bring a chick to a heavy metal concert on a date. No women want that, Jay.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[John Crist]

I wouldn't assume they would. I always do dudes at festivals.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Gay.

[John Crist]

Yeah. I go to festivals and dude dudes. I set up a little tent.

[Robert Kelly]

Couldn't be Bobby because it said third date. And I don't even know if that applies because I don't even know him, but I must.

[John Crist]

That's fair.

[Robert Kelly]

He might be married. I don't know.

[Big J. Okerson]

I am.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, shoot. All right. Dang it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But for years, he was a cheater.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's not for years.

[John Crist]

It was for Bobby. That'll be on the uncensored version.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's not cheating.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Dawn's gonna have to subscribe to Gas Tizzle. In order to get that information, I.

[Robert Kelly]

Took someone on a third date to a music.

[Louis J. Gomez]

John's not going to a heavy metal show. That's crazy.

[Zach Amico]

It does. It could be Christian Pod or some horseshit.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That is true.

[John Crist]

Yeah. You're kind of assuming. I guess.

[Zach Amico]

It could be some dog that would like that.

[Robert Kelly]

Have you ever heard of. Have you ever heard of Skillet?

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, dude, I knew. There's some ex. There's some ex Christians.

[John Crist]

Why would he draw us? I could hear him.

[Robert Kelly]

I could hear him.

[Big J. Okerson]

It could be you, John. Don't you get like a year to just go out and do weird.

[Robert Kelly]

That's Rum Springer. That's Amish people. Dude. That's wild.

[Big J. Okerson]

Dude, I'm Catholic. I don't know.

[John Crist]

I think it's gonna be Zach.

[Zach Amico]

No, they said lifted off.

[John Crist]

Zach. You did this last time when it was your goddamn store. You were a thinner man at one point in your life.

[Big J. Okerson]

Life.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's true. And with enough people.

[John Crist]

Like Gulliver's Travels.

[Zach Amico]

Everyone used two fingers.

[Big J. Okerson]

It was a pit of people.

[John Crist]

A bit of people.

[Big J. Okerson]

Reading it. It's you. Because you're pretending like.

[John Crist]

Yeah, I'm leaning towards that.

[Big J. Okerson]

Why are you reading it? It's you.

[John Crist]

Must there have been a surprise.

[Zach Amico]

No. Sure. Bob. Bob, it is me. Go ahead.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's fucking you.

[Alex]

It's you.

[Zach Amico]

Bob. Look at me in the eyes. Go ahead. It is me.

[Big J. Okerson]

It is you.

[Zach Amico]

It is me.

[Big J. Okerson]

Don't fucking mind. Fuck me. Zach.

[John Crist]

Look into his wacky eyes. I wanna say. Zach. There's been no Zach story yet. It's a mosh pit.

[Robert Kelly]

Numbers wise.

[John Crist]

I stay away from mosh pits.

[Zach Amico]

There has been a me story. And you know that's not how you spell my name. You've been my friend for big joy.

[John Crist]

I know. It's one of the two.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Big Js. Putting it in early.

[John Crist]

Early.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, that. He put it.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

You always.

[Zach Amico]

We've heard that before.

[John Crist]

I always go last. That's false. Lewis does that to cheat.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's not true. I've been voting a lot first lately.

[John Crist]

Okay, Cheater Jay right now is deflecting.

[Zach Amico]

I don't think.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Every time he. It's him.

[John Crist]

He starts this. This is every time. Everybody vote for me, please. And I'll take the points.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Also. He does that when it's him as well. Everyone.

[Zach Amico]

It's not Louis. Because Lewis wouldn't be scared for his life. He would try to fight everybody.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's true.

[John Crist]

I don't think Louis would also call anything a third date. I don't know. It doesn't seem.

[Zach Amico]

I wouldn't like third fuck session out.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Of everyone that I know. Big J. I mean, literally, he hits on, like, fucking three things. He'll watch World Star videos. He goes to music, music festivals, and he takes three shots in order to hang out with his friends. This is it.

[John Crist]

That is my. That's my Grinder bio.

[Big J. Okerson]

Zach. Zach, is that an earring? That's an earring, right?

[Zach Amico]

Bob, You've asked me for eight years. Every time you look at my lip, is that an earring?

[John Crist]

We still think it's a pink booger.

[Big J. Okerson]

I thought it was a gross mole. I was disgusted the whole show.

[Zach Amico]

Every.

[Big J. Okerson]

But it's not. It's a little earworm.

[John Crist]

And now you want to suck it. Yeah. All right.

[Zach Amico]

You want to see this one?

[Big J. Okerson]

Because he has a earring on his cock.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right.

[Zach Amico]

It's not an earring if it's in my dick, Bob.

[John Crist]

It's a dick. Yeah, it's a dick.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, but your dick looks like an ear.

[Zach Amico]

I do have cauliflower dick. It's the only way I can get fat chicks to eat vegetables.

[John Crist]

Okay, five second break. Bring John Crist back in. John, sorry. Those are editing notes for later. Keep John out and then we'll.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I feel bad. John doesn't know the people on the panel the same way that we all know each other. So he's at a little bit of a disadvantage.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm still trying to figure out if you're Mexican.

[Zach Amico]

No.

[John Crist]

I mean, John. We're all just trying to figure that out, dude. That's what Legion is all about. John.

[Zach Amico]

John.

[John Crist]

Worse.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I see what's going on. He read Mosh pit on the lawn, and he's trying to figure out if it's a Mexican guy. Okay. Very clever.

[Robert Kelly]

Once we got started, I don't know how to ask.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, Mosh put on the lawn. This is an Oz Fest type thing. This is way in the back. PNC Bank Art center type thing.

[John Crist]

I would go to Camden.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Big J, he just talks a lot. As soon as you start to bring it up for him, he's. It's very obvious. It's Big J.

[John Crist]

That's my obvious.

[Robert Kelly]

Anything, whoever it is, we need does. We need to know what the song is. And we got to play it. We got to know who the band was.

[John Crist]

That's fair.

[Robert Kelly]

Surely.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We know it was Slipknot.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

If you're funny, you do it again.

[John Crist]

I thought. I thought about it a lot. Zachariah. O.

[Zach Amico]

You know what? I raised you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No way. No way.

[Zach Amico]

It's cuz he said third date. Like that was a big deal.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Okay.

[John Crist]

This is what you think of me? This is what you think of me?

[Big J. Okerson]

Dude, stop fucking.

[John Crist]

This is what you. Okay.

[Big J. Okerson]

What?

[John Crist]

All right.

[Big J. Okerson]

What?

[John Crist]

I don't care. Lose points. Dude, it's Zach, you dip. Everyone's answers are in.

[Big J. Okerson]

You've never won.

[Alex]

That story belongs to Big J.

[John Crist]

Don't I though. Sometimes they win. Sometimes I went woo.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Was it Ozfest?

[John Crist]

Jay, it was Ozfest. It was Slipknot. I.

[Louis J. Gomez]

As it was. Right dang it.

[John Crist]

It was Ozfest.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It was Slipknot.

[John Crist]

It was Slipknot.

[Robert Kelly]

That's crazy.

[John Crist]

I am. I was then wasn't because he's a bad person. But then it turns out he's totally cool and am a Marilyn Manson fan. And Marilyn Manson was the headline before ozzy that year at Ozfest. And I brought my became my ex wife Carla, who is Colombian and Argentinian American, but that's her background. So she knows much more Tito Puente than she knows anything metal. But I'm like Marilyn Manson. Oh, the artist and the blah blah, blah. You got to see him. So Slipknot came on. That was just the first album came out. I didn't really know it yet or anything, so I was like, yeah, I don't know this band at all. Let's go walk around the fucking, you know, festival village for a while. And I go, and when they get off stage, let's go. We were on the lawn. My hookup was on the lawn. And then I go, let's get a good place in the lawn so we can watch Marilyn Manson from really far away, but as close as possible. And she was like, sure. And then Slipknot stopped.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This is a nightmare third date. For a girl that doesn't like metal.

[John Crist]

Music, this is a fucking nightmare.

[Louis J. Gomez]

There's dust everywhere. There's dirty fucking people in black T shirts.

[John Crist]

Yeah, she did. She dressed up like she was like, oh, I'm gonna look cute for a heavy metal festival. And I was like, no, you should have brought sneakers. And we walk on the fence. And then Slipknot stops. So I go, oh, let's go now so we can get a good place on the lawn. While everyone's like switching over and we go and we bury ourselves deep in the lawn. And Slipknot comes back out and they go, one more song. This is your national fucking anthem. And they play a song called Spit it out.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Great song.

[John Crist]

And in the middle of that song.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She spit his dick out.

[John Crist]

She spit my dick out. I Mean, the woman takes direction. She.

[Big J. Okerson]

No, John is giving confession right now.

[John Crist]

John. On Mark Wahlberg's prayer app, John does teleconfections.

[Robert Kelly]

No, I have a filter on my phone that goes to my pastor. I said, spit it out, and it's no.

[John Crist]

Okay, yeah, that's fair.

[Robert Kelly]

Can't look that up.

[Zach Amico]

So spit it out is something this pastor said a few times.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't get it.

[John Crist]

It's not that kind of Christian, Zach. It's not that kind of Christian. So we get in this. We get in the middle of the thing, and Slipknot comes back out. They start playing Spit it out. When they play this song live, historically, always. It became one of my favorite things when I'd see them once I became a fan. But they have the whole. They do a breakdown. They have the whole audience get down on there. Like, they tell everyone to get down the ground. They won't even move on. So you get down on the ground, and everybody gets down, and me and Carla sort of get down. We're like, I guess we'll play along. And I start seeing. And then at some point, it's taking so long, we just stand back up, and we are the two people standing in a sea of people on the ground. Yeah. And I'm seeing frat dudes look at each other.

[Zach Amico]

If Carla was down, you guys would still be married.

[John Crist]

No shit. I. But we're sitting, and I see these frat dudes looking at each other with a real, like, fucking. Like. Like, you're ready for this. And I don't know the song, and I'm just like, we'll get past this, and then we'll watch. Marilyn Manson's gonna be so good. And then he just does the thing and he goes, jump the fuck up. And the entire building turns into a mosh pit. And everyone jumps up, and me and her are. I'm holding her, screaming, don't panic. In the most panicked voice possible, and both of our feet aren't on the ground. And when it was over, I had. I told her that the wind was why there was tears in my eyes. I go, no, it's fucking windy. But that was crazy, huh? I was pretty sure we're gonna die. Was. I was screaming, don't worry. Don't panic.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right.

[John Crist]

A lot of points for me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're a couple.

[Alex]

Alex on the scoreboard. In last place with two points, John Crist.

[John Crist]

Oh, where's your God now?

[Robert Kelly]

Hallelujah, dude.

[Alex]

With six points, Big J Okerson.

[John Crist]

Oh, what place is that?

[Alex]

That's third Place right now, tied for second place with eight points each, Robert Kelly and Zach Amico.

[John Crist]

Before and after.

[Alex]

And in the lead with 10 points, Louis J. Gomez.

[John Crist]

Okay, I'm doing pretty good considering Louis cheats.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, guys, let's take a quick moment and thank yocratum.com for supporting today's show. We love Yo Kratom, home of the $60 kilo a kilo kratom. It's incredible. That's 1.1 pounds, Jay.

[John Crist]

2.2.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, that's right. I forgot that we're doing double points.

[John Crist]

Yeah. Double pounds. Double pounds. Double pounds of Kratom. Everybody. Double pounds. It looks like if you order a kilo a kilo of Kratom, you're gonna get double pounds.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Double pounds.

[John Crist]

Thank you, Roots.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, look, if you're in the market for creative, you got to get it from your creative with the market sponsors for everything here at Gas Digital and for Skank Fest. Long time supporters of all the shows that we do. So if you're in the market already, support the company that supports us, yocratum.com all right, where were we?

[John Crist]

Alex, story number six.

[Alex]

Story number six. My father was involved in a melee that got him stabbed with a knife.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Somebody's playing the game right now, Jay. My father. If you don't know my father was murdered, everyone knows.

[John Crist]

Everyone knows. They don't even know. They could tell by your behavior.

[Robert Kelly]

Is that for real?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. I swear to God. My father was murdered with a knife, but I wouldn't have put that story in. That's retarded.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, oh, I got it.

[John Crist]

I, I. John, you don't know anybody. Is it possible your father was involved with an. Your pastor father?

[Robert Kelly]

No.

[John Crist]

Was it an exorcism going bad?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It didn't say murder, though, so I can't. Look, Bobby's dad was a piece of. Your dad was a piece of Zach. Your dad was like.

[John Crist]

My dad could have been stabbed by the night he. He was.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Zach's dad was in some weird. Back in the day. He's got crazy stories about his dad.

[John Crist]

Stop it. His dad wasn't present and his mom was weird.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Everyone up here has questionable fathers except John.

[Zach Amico]

Was your father trying to stop Damien from becoming the Antichrist?

[Big J. Okerson]

Was your father in front of an abortion clinic trying to stop girls from going in.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Shane. Shane did this. Where he put a. His story was, I got into a fight with my girlfriend in Jamaica. So this is somebody trying to fucking play the game right now.

[John Crist]

Which means what?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Me?

[John Crist]

Exactly. The only way this could be the case is if it's me, Zach, or Bobby. John doesn't know your father was.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Unless his dad was actually in a melee saga. SAP with a knife.

[Robert Kelly]

All right, so. So if the real thing is, we.

[Zach Amico]

Know Lewis doesn't know the word melee.

[John Crist]

He certainly doesn't know how to spell it.

[Robert Kelly]

I think that's one of their best songs.

[Zach Amico]

He says, when I meet an open mic female comedian, she may lay me.

[John Crist]

And I'm only saying this because I would do it too, but we would first write out M A Y L A Y. Melee.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Sure.

[John Crist]

Oh, you wouldn't do that. Why? You're so smart. You know how to spell melee. It's you. You.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Now I'm thinking it's big J now.

[John Crist]

You really? You think my father was stabbed? I never mentioned that your father was murdered by a knife. And I never mentioned that my father was also stabbed. That didn't come up.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But none of you have mentioned this to me before.

[John Crist]

Right, because it's John Crist. His father was an unscrupulous piece of pastor who had many females families around town, and one of them got pissed off one day and stepped with a knife.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, how long was your. When. When did your dad become a pastor?

[Robert Kelly]

My whole life.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Your whole life?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[John Crist]

After that stabbing?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Did he. Did he have, like a weird upbringing? Was he like, involved in bad when he was younger?

[Zach Amico]

His dad's a pastor. Your dad's just passed.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

And isn't. Isn't Melee one of Yalls best soccer players?

[John Crist]

Interesting. Interesting. Lewis would know how to spell melee because of his interest in soccer.

[Big J. Okerson]

Can I get this straight, though?

[John Crist]

Yes.

[Big J. Okerson]

So he can just tell a real. This really happened.

[John Crist]

Bobby, don't make me think they all.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Have to be true stories.

[John Crist]

Bobby, don't make me think this was you, because your father, you don't know very well. And all you might know is he was stabbed once and he definitely left.

[Big J. Okerson]

No, it's not me.

[Robert Kelly]

But if it's.

[John Crist]

Okay, never mind. I wasted my time.

[Big J. Okerson]

But this could be Lewis. Lewis is just being.

[John Crist]

Yes, it could be. It's definitely Lewis. He just may not have written it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I have this story, okay? This is my origin story.

[Robert Kelly]

Is it? Is it? Who submitted this? Because it's.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Who submitted it. Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

All right, so we can. All right, so.

[John Crist]

So everyone except you on this panel knows for sure that Lewis's father was stabbed in what was most would consider a melee.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay.

[John Crist]

Outside of a strip club, because I.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Think Patterson, New Jersey, I think he.

[John Crist]

Was a piece of.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It was a pimp. Well, he was a Good pimp.

[John Crist]

Oh, he was a good pimp. His mom, though.

[Robert Kelly]

But how long has this podcast been going on?

[Louis J. Gomez]

This is our 40th episode.

[Robert Kelly]

So this has been. This story has been covered before.

[John Crist]

Oh. Legion of Skanks has been going on for, I think, the better part of 27 years. And I think it's come up a lot almost daily when we have to excuse Lewis's behavior to remain friends with him.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay. Oh, got it. Got it.

[John Crist]

You have to remember that in the.

[Zach Amico]

History of Legion of Skanks, Lewis's dad being killed were what we call an Old Testament story.

[John Crist]

Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, I got it now. I got it.

[John Crist]

It would be called. It would be called net positive with John Crist if there was no murder in Lewis's life. My father was never stabbed, but he did lie to me once and say he smoked pot.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I feel like Jay would have mentioned his father being stabbed to me.

[John Crist]

You think?

[Louis J. Gomez]

But I think Bobby doesn't. Bobby doesn't talk about his father. I feel like it's all, like, repressed memory.

[John Crist]

He doesn't know about his father. And he may have just made.

[Big J. Okerson]

He was raised by two fat women.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's a good joke.

[John Crist]

He probably was Gilbert Grape's mom and Gilbert Grapes. Mom. You're my not in shimmering armor.

[Big J. Okerson]

That's the only way you can make this.

[John Crist]

You're my knot in shimmering armor.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The only thing I'm thinking. My instinct is Zach because I know his dad was like a fucking he. Dak has great stories about his father being a real shithead. A real shithead.

[John Crist]

You wrote this knowing that. And you're gonna try to throw us all to Zach right now, you scumbag.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay. Whatever. Please.

[John Crist]

I think I should get points because Lewis's father was stabbed with a knife.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You don't get points just because I have that story. As well I should. It's whoever submitted the story that is the rules. Is Bobby or Zach. That's what's going on.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's not me. My dad was a Vietnam vet. He was a drug.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. He got sat with a bayonet.

[John Crist]

Yeah. Charlie got him.

[Big J. Okerson]

It was a. It was a May Ray.

[Robert Kelly]

Now we're cooking, bro.

[John Crist]

Ah. Worth it. This is all worth it.

[Robert Kelly]

This is a podcast.

[John Crist]

Sure. That exact action got Shane fired from snl, but look where he's at now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All of my instincts are saying Zach amico. Cuz I know what a his ad was.

[John Crist]

I can't believe all your instincts aren't wink. You want to vote for yourself. I kind of want to write that's crazy. Your instinct should make you go, I must have put this in.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're saying John.

[John Crist]

All right, you know what? If Zach's doing that, it's Zachary for sure.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm going with my instinct. I'm going Zach amico.

[John Crist]

Zach played the game.

[Zach Amico]

I think John's one of two people in this room who had used the word melee, and it's not me.

[Robert Kelly]

John takes 16.

[John Crist]

John, it's got nothing to do with your father being stabbed. You'd probably use the best grammar and language.

[Robert Kelly]

That is how you spell melee.

[Big J. Okerson]

Who'd you vote for?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I voted for Zach.

[John Crist]

It's Zach.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think Bobby's voting last for this reason. Good guess, John.

[Big J. Okerson]

But it technically is you, too.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes.

[John Crist]

No, it is him. We should get half points.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's not true.

[John Crist]

You should.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You shouldn't.

[John Crist]

New rule.

[Louis J. Gomez]

New rule, new rules.

[John Crist]

Yeah, that's the right answer.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think it's the right answer.

[John Crist]

If it's Lewis, I'm gonna. Honestly, I'm gonna listen. Hey, stop. Everybody. I gotta say something serious right now. I want you to understand what's gonna happen.

[Zach Amico]

Look at this lady's fucking tits.

[John Crist]

First things first. Miss your tits. Louis. Look at him. Loosen up. He's. I'm gonna tell you, if it's Lewis, we're gonna take an intermission. I'm gonna have to. I have to go in the back and I gotta break something.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay. Jay lives all of his lives all of his life by Limpus lyrics.

[John Crist]

I smoke so much pot, dude. I'm gonna do it all for the nookie. Come on. And Lewis, I'm gonna take that cookie and stick it up your yeah I'm gonna stick it up your yeah Stick it up your yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Zach's gonna grab that cookie out of your hand and eat it.

[John Crist]

5 second rule. Dookie don't count.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alec.

[John Crist]

Alex, I read that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All of our answers are in.

[Zach Amico]

If this is Lewis, he's playing 3D chess. And I will never be more impressed.

[Alex]

That story belongs to Louis J. Thomas.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Sometimes you got to just hide in place inside everyone.

[Zach Amico]

Well deserved. Very well deserved. I can't. I can't be mad. That was brilliant. That was great.

[Big J. Okerson]

Who told you to do that?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I did it. I just had the idea. Oh, thanks for using that setup. Jay's pissed.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's bullshit. It's fucking bullshit.

[Zach Amico]

Hey, I want you to have this on audio. Lewis, you're smart and funny.

[John Crist]

Let him.

[Robert Kelly]

That was the only advantage I had this whole time with not knowing.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It was beautiful.

[Robert Kelly]

I got that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

John got his points on that One.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And now I think he's beating Big.

[John Crist]

J. Oh, he might be winning.

[Robert Kelly]

This is so.

[Zach Amico]

You deserve every moment of that, dude.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Thank you very much. Ah, that was a delightful round.

[Robert Kelly]

That feels good.

[John Crist]

I guess we know the story. Lewis's father. Piece of. Father was stabbed in cold blood by a guy and he probably deserved. It was probably justice.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He was outside of a shrimp club. Club in Patterson, New Jersey. Shrimp.

[John Crist]

I know you already told the story to prove that it wasn't your story. Yeah, you and.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It was a 15 year old kid. A 15 year old kid came, they got into a fight and he came back and he stabbed him with a kitchen knife after he got into a fight with him and his friends.

[John Crist]

A butter knife.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's a. Lewis.

[John Crist]

His father was such a. He was killed by a butter knife.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's a plastic butter knife. Oh, my organs are so soft.

[John Crist]

Father was killed with a spork outside of a strip club in Paris, New Jersey. It was only topless.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Honestly, I gotta be honest with you guys. Those points in that round was worth my dad's death.

[John Crist]

I believe that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I love you, papa.

[John Crist]

Abusive.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I love you, papa. Thank you. The one thing you gave me.

[John Crist]

Hell yeah, dude. You know what? God bless you, dude. Miss your tits.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, where are points at?

[John Crist]

Fuck you, dude.

[Big J. Okerson]

Okay, that was brilliant, dude. You're a piece of.

[Alex]

I'm happy with six points.

[John Crist]

Is that real? I'm backing last.

[Alex]

John. Chris.

[John Crist]

Oh, thank God. Oh.

[Robert Kelly]

Or Ty.

[Alex]

Oh, both of you.

[John Crist]

I'm sorry, John. Sorry I started judging you. I didn't realize we're both pieces. We're both dumb as. But you have a great excuse. You didn't know that this was definitely Louis was a story.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's making me so happy. Oh, that worked out better than I thought it would. Go ahead.

[Alex]

Alex tied for second place with eight points each. Robert, Kelly and Zach. Moo.

[John Crist]

It doesn't matter. Me and Bobby are going to go back to our Airbnb and eat our feelings after this.

[Alex]

And in the lead with 16 points, Louis J. Gomez.

[John Crist]

Smart. Thank you, Roots. The Roots are here. They're off camera.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And thank you. Double points.

[Zach Amico]

It's almost like they keep loading Lewis stories into when it's double points.

[John Crist]

Interesting.

[Zach Amico]

Not that I've noticed that over the last 20 hours episodes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's not. That's not even close to true. It's all random. And my first story was in the first round.

[Big J. Okerson]

I love Serious Lewis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Keep on hosting.

[Robert Kelly]

I have to ask, like, surprisingly, I would say this.

[John Crist]

Are we moving on the next story? Yeah, oh, can't go to the next.

[Zach Amico]

Story because Alex is here.

[John Crist]

You're next to Lewis.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, there. A whisper story. Talk amongst yourselves.

[John Crist]

Number.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Seven.

[Alex]

Story number seven. In middle school, me and my buddy both tried to make a move on the same girl at the same time, unbeknownst to the other while watching a movie in the dark. And she let it happen.

[John Crist]

John Crist. Unbeknownst. Make a move. Bobby Kelly. That's true, Bob. You are from a different era.

[Louis J. Gomez]

How many stories has Zach had in so far? 1. This could be a Zach move. They're all freaks, all free. They're from Jersey. This is a very Jerseys type story. Zach uses big words like unbeknownst.

[John Crist]

Does he?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, for sure. Zach's got a great vocabulary. Went to nyu.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, but that could be Lewis trying to throw us off.

[John Crist]

Lewis on his. He's still reading it in context. Doesn't know what unbeknownst means.

[Zach Amico]

If this was a Lewis story, it would end with and then we got in a fist fight, him and the girl.

[John Crist]

I want to say. No, this isn't John.

[Big J. Okerson]

He wouldn't tell us John because they were in the dark.

[Robert Kelly]

What's that mean?

[John Crist]

Is that the girl. That's that girl that you and your friend pigged out together. Bobby.

[Big J. Okerson]

Huh?

[John Crist]

Lady?

[Big J. Okerson]

This is for me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Shut up.

[John Crist]

I'm gonna. Oh, I'm gonna say Bobby.

[Zach Amico]

That's what they said at the movies.

[John Crist]

It's John or Bobby because John wrote it. Because it's. It's a cleanup of a dirty story. Or Bobby's just an older gentleman who uses these words.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think John would. John would feel very ashamed about double finger banging a girl with his best friend.

[John Crist]

That's not what he said. Had. No.

[Big J. Okerson]

He said made a move.

[John Crist]

Move.

[Big J. Okerson]

Which is.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, she let it happen. What do you mean? Yeah, but that could spread her legs and then their pinkies touch. They're like, whoa, listen.

[John Crist]

Gonna be a light tit grab. It could be one making out and the other one rubbing some ass. It's. It could be. It could be pretty innocent.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, if it was Bobby, it was a silent movie. So it's true. It's not easy to do that in.

[Big J. Okerson]

We got it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Just a.

[Big J. Okerson]

We got it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What are we sound effects now?

[John Crist]

Dude, you have to lower than the reel to reel.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Security, can you violently remove that woman?

[Big J. Okerson]

No.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Why?

[John Crist]

No, no, no, no, no, no. Wait, wait.

[Robert Kelly]

Bring her up.

[John Crist]

Bobby, you should want her removed because, by the way, I'm going to want your word, Miss. I'm just going to blindly put Bobby Kelly down.

[Big J. Okerson]

Don't do it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

If she's right. If she's right, she can stay. And she'd be at Jay's corner every episode.

[John Crist]

You're going to be. And this is not my. I don't like this.

[Zach Amico]

This.

[Big J. Okerson]

I'll do this.

[John Crist]

I don't like this at all. But it's Lewis's thing. I'm trying to save you. I'm going with you, Miss. You're so confident, Bobby. I'm going to say, Bobby, if it's not as Lewis stated, you will be. And I think the word violently thrown out. But I'm trying to save you.

[Robert Kelly]

Is any.

[John Crist]

For that reason, that reason only.

[Robert Kelly]

Is anyone on this panel gay?

[John Crist]

Everyone sort of.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Zach's bisexual.

[Big J. Okerson]

We're not gay, but we've done gay stuff.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Zach is bisexual. This could have been Zachary Zach's origin story of turning into a bisexual.

[John Crist]

Yeah, Zach's bisexual. Me and Lewis the French kissed. He also had sex with a pocket I was holding. Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, you. No, no, no, no. He jerked me off with a pocket.

[John Crist]

Oh, that's true. I did move my hands. He didn't move his dick.

[Zach Amico]

Bobby got jerked off by his friend who played guitar for him.

[John Crist]

Very true.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And Bobby sucked dick for a steak.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, but it says made a move. And this girl.

[John Crist]

Wait, Bobby, we're not done yet. Also, Lewis sucked off Bobby on. On stage.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, it was a dildo.

[John Crist]

It was a dildo. But it was.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But it was a good blowjob.

[John Crist]

A lot of people. It was such a good dildo.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hey, John. I thought Christian's own judge.

[Robert Kelly]

No, wait. No, I just. I'm John.

[John Crist]

This could be your next chaos story.

[Zach Amico]

This for the game and Bobby the sink has nothing to do with it. I just wanted to add another thing.

[John Crist]

It's true. But, Jon, I will tell you this. And I'll tell you this only unbeknownst was autocorrected in any one of our phones. So if you don't know which one of us is don't. I won't judge on that.

[Robert Kelly]

Interesting. Every year, Lucy from the club here goes up to the festival and she comes back and tells us this. The clean Nashville comedians. What happens up there at the festival?

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's all gay.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, we've heard.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She's like. You have no idea.

[Zach Amico]

We call her Lucy Fur.

[John Crist]

Yeah. Skank Fest is essentially just a puddle of gay sex.

[Big J. Okerson]

I saw Jay put a gun in Lewis's ass.

[John Crist]

Oh, yeah, well.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And I put a gun in his ass. Another year, different times.

[John Crist]

And then twice, though, I put a Gun in Louis ass. But wait, before you think this is.

[Big J. Okerson]

Getting gayer and gayer.

[John Crist]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I guess when you lay it all out like that, it does seem like we don't.

[John Crist]

You're laying out like that. But the thing was, what was amazing about the human body, you'll find out is when it got to the. I had. I made love to his ass with a gun. Gun. The gun. And we played the song. We're not gonna take it. Hilarious.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Great idea.

[John Crist]

Now, are you familiar with the song Good story.

[Robert Kelly]

Good song.

[John Crist]

Yeah. There's a breakdown.

[Robert Kelly]

We're not gonna take.

[John Crist]

There's a breakdown after the guitar solo acapella hand clapping with just. We're not gonna take it over and over again. No, we're not gonna take it.

[Robert Kelly]

All right.

[John Crist]

At that point, I released the gun, and Lewis's shot it. His. His anus was able to hold onto it while we both clapped in unison. The gun hung out. It was. Is this legal in Vegas?

[Big J. Okerson]

Hey, John, John, can I go to church with you this weekend?

[Robert Kelly]

I think you need to.

[Zach Amico]

And if you've never heard a success story from a man whose father couldn't take a knife and then he could take a full gun, hey, you know what?

[Robert Kelly]

Fair point.

[Zach Amico]

That's the power of Christ.

[Robert Kelly]

Amen, brother. Yeah, amen.

[John Crist]

And, Louis, it was your job to be better than your father, and you are.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I was.

[John Crist]

You are.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So votes.

[John Crist]

I'm in. I'm in way early. This lady's whole life is in the balance.

[Louis J. Gomez]

In middle school, me and my buddy both try to make a move in the same girl at the same time, unbeknownst to the other while watching a movie in the dark. And she let it happen.

[John Crist]

Buddy, if it's you, I'm gonna quit. I'm gonna. It's gonna be the Louis J. Gomez presents Story Wars.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I really wish it was me.

[John Crist]

Four days in a row. I can't take this kind of deception.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Four days in a row.

[Zach Amico]

Don't do it. You don't know the pain of your podcast partner leaving you.

[John Crist]

Oh.

[Robert Kelly]

What does that mean?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Who'd you vote for? Big J. Who'd you vote for?

[John Crist]

Oh, Bobby. Because that lady made me Bobby.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Is this you?

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah.

[John Crist]

That solves it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Bobby. It's either Bobby or Zach. I'm running out of ink.

[John Crist]

Oh, no.

[Big J. Okerson]

Zach.

[John Crist]

Dude.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Dude, dude. Zach. Bobby, Kelly. Everyone voted for Bobby. Oh, this might be Zach catching up to me right now.

[John Crist]

Suck my balls, Alex. Tell me.

[Alex]

This story belongs to John Crist.

[John Crist]

Drag her out. Grab her by her. Lady Parson, remove her.

[Zach Amico]

Drag her out by the tents.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh my God.

[Robert Kelly]

That was.

[John Crist]

Did that guy go to go aggressively attack a lady.

[Zach Amico]

Don't do that.

[John Crist]

When I said that, he got up, he's like, I'll take care of this, sir. Don't.

[Zach Amico]

That energy you were going to use to attack a woman. Can I please get another double Jack Daniels and Diet Coke? Thank you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

John, please tell us this story. What happened here?

[Robert Kelly]

I think that's the story. I mean, what you guys do with her.

[Zach Amico]

Holy. Since that guy moved. Miss your tits?

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

Oh, wow.

[Zach Amico]

Holy. I'm sorry. He's been in front of him the whole time. God bless.

[John Crist]

It was John's story.

[Robert Kelly]

We don't catholic. We don't do that. Oh my.

[Zach Amico]

John, you piece of. It was Passion of the Christ.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, what? What?

[John Crist]

So what, what.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What did you do with these girls?

[Big J. Okerson]

Or this girl look like Crona.

[John Crist]

Something about the Passion of the Christ gets me so hot.

[Robert Kelly]

No, I. Well, to be fair, I didn't know the. The depth of the depravity of these stories. That was about the wildest thing I ever.

[Zach Amico]

I thought you said you know the depth of her high school.

[Robert Kelly]

No, I didn't. We're not allowed to do that.

[John Crist]

Still.

[Zach Amico]

Me and him can both get in here.

[Robert Kelly]

I was like holding her. I was holding her hand.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You were holding her hand and he.

[Robert Kelly]

Was touching her leg, like above the knee.

[Big J. Okerson]

Was that the move?

[Robert Kelly]

That was it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's as far as it went.

[Zach Amico]

I quit.

[John Crist]

John, how would you like to do the gathering of the jugglers for this next year?

[Robert Kelly]

Am I out of the legion of skanks now you're on.

[John Crist]

Now you're in.

[Robert Kelly]

Now I'm in.

[Big J. Okerson]

Oh, you're in.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, I'm in. Sweet.

[Big J. Okerson]

You're so dirty. You went the other way.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's making a move on a girl. If I make a move on a girl, she wakes up an hour later.

[John Crist]

John. By simply looking forward. Have you made a move on Miss yous Tits?

[Robert Kelly]

I'm not making eye contact.

[Big J. Okerson]

You know, the more we make her laugh, the more they pop out of that thing.

[John Crist]

Get her going, get her going.

[Zach Amico]

The best thing is there. There was one point where she was holding both their hands and they both went, you slut.

[John Crist]

Yeah. Oh, I didn't know you were a. Oh my God.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Damn.

[John Crist]

That is a shake up.

[Robert Kelly]

Wow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, where are points at? This is crazy.

[Robert Kelly]

I'm not last anymore.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, no.

[Alex]

And I get place with six points.

[John Crist]

Is this real big?

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, you suck back.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Baby's so bad at this Game.

[John Crist]

You're so bad.

[Big J. Okerson]

You're good with them.

[Alex]

Big J.

[John Crist]

Everyone enjoys me doing bad. This why it's like a thing. Serge, you attack a lady.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex.

[Alex]

Next up, I have a tie with eight points each, Robert Kelly and Zach Amico.

[Zach Amico]

Ooh, I told you I was really gonna shit the bed on the second round. Thank you.

[Alex]

In second place with 14 points, John Chris.

[Robert Kelly]

If I win this, if I win this game.

[John Crist]

Wow. If you win this, you can't tell anybody.

[Alex]

And in first place with 16 points, Lewis J. Gomez.

[John Crist]

John Chris is on your ass.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm holding on to my lead by a thread right now.

[Robert Kelly]

Coming for you, brother.

[John Crist]

Wow.

[Robert Kelly]

I feel like if, if all. If like they captured someone from Al Qaeda and they put all five like you guys interrogate, we would like after an hour we like, like we got nothing. We didn't. We came up with nothing. We have very little skills in this area.

[John Crist]

Yeah, yeah. True. No pertinent information.

[Alex]

If you're into gaming, you've got to hear this. Big J Okerson and Lewis J. Gomez from Story wars have a new obsession and it's Turtle Beach.

[John Crist]

I just got my hands on the Stealth 700 headset and from the moment I put it on, I was hooked. First thing that hit me, the sound, crystal clear. Insane bass and a 3D spatial audio. That's a game changer. Especially in fast paced games like Call of Duty. I could hear footsteps. Direction they were coming from. No more surprise attacks.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm telling you, this is the real deal. I swapped out my old headset and the difference was night and day. The comfort alone. Crazy. I could wear these for hours. I honestly forget that I even have them on. Plus the 80 hour battery life. Never had to worry about charging mid game. That's huge.

[John Crist]

And the best part, I can switch between my console and PC with just a button. Plus I can connect my phone at the same time to listen to music or take calls. It's like Turtle beach thought of everything.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And it's not just headsets. Turtle beach has everything. A full range of gaming gear that's top tier quality without draining your wallet. It's the ultimate cheat code for gamers.

[Alex]

Ready to level up. Grab your Turtle beach gear now and hear the difference for yourself. Trust us, you'll never go back.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Head to turtlebeach.com and use code wars with a Z for 10 off your entire order. That's 10 off your [e-mail] with promo code wars with a Z. After you purchase, they're gonna ask you where you heard about them. Please support the show and tell them that we sent. You get the ultimate immersive gaming experience with Turtle Beach Today, Alex. Our final story. Story number eight.

[Robert Kelly]

Hold on. What do I need to do? I need to win this. And then somebody else needs. You need to not win.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So if you. If you guess the correct and you and I don't. You win.

[Robert Kelly]

Let's go, baby.

[Big J. Okerson]

Wait a minute. Is this the last question?

[John Crist]

But John, consider it's one of your stories. It could be a sweet. It could be a landslide.

[Big J. Okerson]

Can I ask a question? So this. This is double points?

[John Crist]

Yes, you tits. Oh, my God. Dude, that was almost the one.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Go ahead, Alex. Story number eight, please.

[John Crist]

Our final story.

[Alex]

Story number eight. One time on a trip I got walked in on by housekeeping while I was masturbating. And I got so scared that I threw my phone instead of covering up.

[Big J. Okerson]

That's not John.

[John Crist]

Probably not John. Most likely Bobby.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes.

[John Crist]

This could be Lewis.

[Big J. Okerson]

We know you jerk off with your fucking.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, Jay jerks off with his phone. I don't jerk off with my phone.

[John Crist]

I don't jerk off my phone.

[Big J. Okerson]

He just.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I jerk off the computer. I have a new computer.

[John Crist]

I jerk off with my phone. I'm all, laptop, laptop.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, I can't look at such a small screen. I got walked in on housekeeping while masturbating. Jay. Jay likes that. Actually, that's the thing he enjoys.

[John Crist]

No, stop.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What?

[John Crist]

Don't tell lies about me. I like videos of guys who do that. Where they whack off and pretend they're listening to headphones so the maid comes in and sees their wieners.

[Zach Amico]

You could have stopped that. I like videos of guys.

[John Crist]

I do, though.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So, Bobby, What? Do you jerk off your phone ever?

[Big J. Okerson]

I use my phone all the time, but this is not me.

[John Crist]

But Bobby also has iPads and all kinds of shit gadgets.

[Big J. Okerson]

I bring VR on the road. I jerk off with VR.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I do like a VR headset.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's pretty wild.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's the fucking best, dude.

[John Crist]

Bobby and Bobby, let me tell you, he's very open. He's married for a long time now. He's got a son at home. He's got limited time at home. He says as soon as he gets into a hotel, first thing, pants off, spread leg, bed jerk.

[Big J. Okerson]

That's what I did in the Airbnb we're sharing.

[John Crist]

Oh, my God. I was there before you. Is that what you. Is that your naps?

[Big J. Okerson]

It's gotta be Zach. It's Zach or Lewis.

[John Crist]

Yeah, I agree.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I wouldn't Be scared if, and I really mean this, if a housekeeper walked in while I was jerking off, I would continue to jerk off. I wouldn't stop. I'd be like, you interrupted me now. Join lady.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah.

[John Crist]

Plus, she's so mad at you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What?

[John Crist]

But I believe you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You believe me. It's true. It's not me.

[John Crist]

Are you doing this to me again?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Listen to me. I need to get this answer correct.

[John Crist]

And, John, it means nothing. I'm out.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I know. Well, no, you're not.

[John Crist]

Tell me the truth. Once in four days. Look at me and tell me the truth.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, yeah.

[John Crist]

Jay can't win.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay can't win.

[John Crist]

Tell me the truth.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's not me, dude. But here's the thing. If it was me, I wouldn't want them to know that. So I gotta lie to everybody.

[John Crist]

Don't care about them. Dude. It's just a dumb book.

[Big J. Okerson]

Whispers.

[John Crist]

Hmm?

[Big J. Okerson]

What?

[John Crist]

Guys, you can do that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I can do whatever I want.

[Robert Kelly]

Bobby.

[Big J. Okerson]

What?

[Robert Kelly]

I mean, I feel like you're. We kind of have a rapport.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't trust anybody else.

[Big J. Okerson]

You too, John.

[John Crist]

Yeah.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah.

[Big J. Okerson]

Not like Zach.

[Zach Amico]

You have good instincts.

[John Crist]

The Lord is your shepherd.

[Robert Kelly]

What I'm going back to here is that the theme was chaos. And some people would think this is a regular 9 to 5 activity. Who would this be? Chaotic.

[Big J. Okerson]

It would not be chaotic to me.

[Robert Kelly]

But it was a miss.

[Big J. Okerson]

I'll tell you. That's a good point, John. He would not care. He would not care. I would not care. But Jay hates his body. So if somebody walked in with his little dots, he'd be like, oh, this is chaos.

[John Crist]

I'm out of the game. Why?

[Zach Amico]

Wait, Bob, can I tell you why I agree with you?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Zach Amico]

Covering up.

[Big J. Okerson]

Covering up. And that's. He. He showers in the dark. Never mind a Mexican walking.

[John Crist]

What is this?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, my.

[Big J. Okerson]

Holy mo.

[John Crist]

I told you that in confidence.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He has sex with his shirt on.

[Zach Amico]

I'm telling you, it's the COVID Oh, God.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Miss your tits.

[Zach Amico]

I'm going Big J, Big J, something crazy. Anybody else would have said, put my dick away.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yes.

[Robert Kelly]

Hold on.

[Big J. Okerson]

And Lewis doesn't jerk off. He open micrs.

[Robert Kelly]

What does that mean?

[John Crist]

He uses a bunch of. He uses open Microsoft as instead of masturbating as like a human fist.

[Zach Amico]

It's like masturbating, but sadder.

[John Crist]

It's like masturbating, but with more shitty conversation.

[Big J. Okerson]

But better jokes.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay, so I gotta wait for you, right? Are you waiting for me?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No. Maybe I'll wait for you.

[Robert Kelly]

I defer because you're the. It's your. Your pod.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I am in lead. And if I. Because I will tell you right now.

[Robert Kelly]

Bobby, who you going?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I will. I was. I was going to vote for whoever you voted for, so there was no way for you to win. That was my strategy.

[John Crist]

That's such a piece of.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But I won't.

[John Crist]

Integrity of the game.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But I won't integrity the game. I'll vote for.

[John Crist]

You should vote first now. All right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, yeah.

[John Crist]

It is great, though, right? Come on. We do love that. Thank you.

[Big J. Okerson]

Roots Lewis, you can win right now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I. I can win right now.

[John Crist]

Don't be a. I think it's Big J.

[Robert Kelly]

This would absolutely be the wildest.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think it's big if he, if he votes. Here's the thing. I genuinely think it's big.

[John Crist]

Jason, Lewis could be driving you to me. Lewis could be trying, but.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hold on, listen, Jay. No, no, he's not going to vote for the same person because there's no strategy in that. Because if we both vote the same thing, I win no matter what. But I'm going to vote for who I really think it is, which is Big J. So if I were you, I would vote for one of these other guys or me to have a chance to win. But I genuinely.

[Robert Kelly]

If I won on this, and this was my story, they would carry me into the streets. And I have. You have to let. Let me in. You have to let me in.

[John Crist]

You're an immediate legend and you get.

[Big J. Okerson]

To say double points.

[Robert Kelly]

Yeah, I, I, you know, I called.

[Big J. Okerson]

Ooh, they almost come out.

[Robert Kelly]

I called, you know, I called. I called Nate. I called Nate and asked him if I should be on the show.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And what did you say? Yeah, he said, he's like, I wouldn't do it, man. It's career soon. Suicide.

[Big J. Okerson]

Zach hates God.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, not if you believe in the same God as me.

[John Crist]

Hope you don't mind going back to clubs.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, I'm gonna give Big J as my final answer.

[Robert Kelly]

All right, I'm locking in Bobby.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, it might be Bobby. It might be Bobby.

[John Crist]

It's Bob.

[Robert Kelly]

Oh, man, I been. I've never been.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This is wild. This is a lot of tension.

[John Crist]

A lot of tension. Should we see what the audience think? Do they think it is?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Apple. We'll have an audience vote. Vote. If you think it's John Cruz, clap your hands. What if that's Jesus?

[John Crist]

I see everything.

[Zach Amico]

If you think it's Jesus, it would whistle when he clapped.

[Big J. Okerson]

What?

[John Crist]

Come on. No, listen. Don't take, take. Do not take Zach's paganism without the. Without some humor. That was a good one, John.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm sorry, Z. If you think of Zach, amigo, clap your hands.

[John Crist]

No one's clapping for this godless piece of.

[Big J. Okerson]

It's either him or him.

[Louis J. Gomez]

If you think it's Bobby Kelly, clap your hands.

[Big J. Okerson]

You know what? I'm offended at all of you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Everything is Big J. Clap your hands. And if you think it's me, clap your hands. Grands.

[Robert Kelly]

Split room. It's a split room. It's a split room.

[Big J. Okerson]

God damn it.

[John Crist]

Bobby. Was the mo. People call out Bobby the most?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think they clap for.

[Big J. Okerson]

No, they clap for you the most.

[John Crist]

Oh, you're wrong.

[Big J. Okerson]

No, I'm right. Me. Clap for me. Who thinks it's me? Okay, who thinks it's Big J?

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's almost exactly the same.

[Big J. Okerson]

Wait, one more time. Me, Big J.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They were. They think it's him a little bit more. I think it's the same amount of people, though.

[John Crist]

Well, you're all stupid rube hillbillies. Alex.

[Zach Amico]

You guys need the power of Christ in your lives.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, all of our answers are in who was this story?

[Alex]

Wow, you guys, that story belonged to Zach Amico.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, well, Zach, tell the story. We gotta. I have no idea where our points are at right now. That's crazy. Zach.

[Zach Amico]

I'm Shiprocked.

[John Crist]

Oh, my God.

[Zach Amico]

You were my guest opening for Jay last night. Somebody got psilocybin Mushroom pills.

[John Crist]

Okay.

[Zach Amico]

I took one to be a nice boy. Micro tripping. We had to go do a podcast, go back to my room, turn on the tv. I knew I was gonna have Internet, so I'd saved photos.

[Big J. Okerson]

John, earmuffs.

[Robert Kelly]

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know half these words mean.

[John Crist]

Alex, if you could slide John off the screen for a second post production note.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Shiprocked is a heavy metal cruise, by the way.

[Zach Amico]

I knew I was gonna have Internet, so I'd save photos to jerk off to microchipping on mushrooms. I thought I saw a face in the curtains and it scared me me. So I was like, let me reset. I'm gonna whack my bag real quick. Holding my phone, had TV on, blasting. The guy came in to take my suitcase.

[John Crist]

It was a guy no one knew. This was a gay story.

[Zach Amico]

I know I didn't say which it was coming up. And the dude. So. So you would think he would knock and then give it a second and then open the door because they take your bag on the last night of the cruise. He literally knocked open the door and it's me on my phone jerking off. And I didn't know it was on the tv and it was Monsters University.

[John Crist]

Nice.

[Zach Amico]

Not just monsters.

[John Crist]

So it's not your fault.

[Zach Amico]

Barely Legal Monsters. I panic, but I've been caught cheating so many times, my instinct wasn't to put my dick away, it was to throw my phone across the room.

[John Crist]

Sorry, sir. I wasn't seeing somebody else.

[Zach Amico]

So this guy just sees me fully jerking off, looks at me and goes, stay rock and close the door.

[John Crist]

Nice.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't know who won this right now. Alex, give us our final points.

[John Crist]

Zach, did you clean your penis with a towel elephant of some sort on that cruise?

[Alex]

In last place with six points, Big J. Okerson.

[John Crist]

It's been a long festival.

[Alex]

In third place with eight points, Robert Kelly. In second place with 14 points, John Crist. And tied for first place with 16 points each, Luis J. Gomez and Zach Amico.

[John Crist]

Winner gets the right own morning show on Gas Digital.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We have. We do have a tie break.

[Zach Amico]

It's clearly loser got his own morning show against.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We do have a tiebreaker round. The way it is going to work is Alex is going to read one more story. It belongs to one of the three guys besides me and Zach up here. Me and Zach have to wager an amount of our points on the back of our board. Secret wager, secret wager. And then we have to vote. We could vote for the same person, different person, doesn't matter. But this is our official tiebreaker round.

[John Crist]

I think I speak for everybody when I say miss your tits.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Guys, are you having a great time at story wars tonight? This is it.

[Zach Amico]

Hey, hey, Lewis, no matter who wins, it's been an honor and I love you and you fucking made a really great show, dude.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, thank you, brother. I appreciate it. And Zach, I'm pretty sure John Crist hates you.

[Robert Kelly]

No, no, they don't hate anybody. I don't hate anybody.

[John Crist]

Zach, get the away from my friend John Crist.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Take a moment here while Alex figures out the last story which is going to belong to Big J, John or Bobby. We could. It's Jeopardy. Final Jeopardy. Style.

[Zach Amico]

So we have to put the wager first.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, yeah, yeah. On the back of your board. Don't let me say it.

[John Crist]

It. Of your 16 points.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Of your 16 points, you got to.

[Zach Amico]

Get all of them. Thank you.

[John Crist]

13.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Let me see it.

[Zach Amico]

What?

[Louis J. Gomez]

You can't let me see it.

[Zach Amico]

Okay. Sorry.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[John Crist]

Miss, if you could use your tits to. No, no.

[Zach Amico]

Okay. Really?

[Robert Kelly]

Me and Bobby, dude, we should start a pod.

[Big J. Okerson]

Yeah, dude, I'll do anything, John. Anything I'll do with you. Let's hook up. Not like that, you perverts.

[John Crist]

John, Bobby is a guy. He said do it. Despite. Despite Bobby's filthy, godless life, this is a guy that still prays. It's very weird. Yeah, nothing's wrong with it. It's just weird that he does Alex.

[Zach Amico]

Lewis praise on women.

[John Crist]

Yeah, it's just spelled different.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, our wagers are in.

[Alex]

All right.

[John Crist]

Overtime story.

[Alex]

Story number nine, I split my pants at a wedding.

[John Crist]

Both you vote for Bobby and see who voted more, put more points in.

[Big J. Okerson]

100% of John Story. It's not me.

[John Crist]

It's. I heard that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, the fact that John would think that John would think that's chaotic.

[Big J. Okerson]

100%. That is chaotic. Chaos.

[John Crist]

Chaos. That's right. He did think that.

[Big J. Okerson]

That's.

[John Crist]

That's actually. He did think hand holding was.

[Big J. Okerson]

That's actually normal for me. I actually have to bring an extra pair of pants to every wedding I go to.

[John Crist]

He didn't quit a blowjob to a knee touch.

[Louis J. Gomez]

If it was, Bobby would say I had banana splits at a wedding.

[John Crist]

There's a banana split bar.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Dude, it's fat, dude.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah, Bob, you fat?

[Big J. Okerson]

Wait a minute.

[John Crist]

That'll learn them.

[Big J. Okerson]

Wait a minute.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I mean.

[Zach Amico]

Yeah. I mean, I just.

[John Crist]

I mean, you guys got to talk it out.

[Zach Amico]

I want this so bad.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You do want it so bad.

[Zach Amico]

I. I mean, I gotta go. But I feel this could be a deception, though. This could be Jay.

[Robert Kelly]

Jay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Bobby.

[Zach Amico]

It doesn't say I split my jorts.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[John Crist]

I buy those baggies so it doesn't happen.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I lost my chain wallet at a wedding.

[Big J. Okerson]

Just the chain. It doesn't go to a wallet.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, this could be a Bobby Kelly story as well. Bobby. I feel like it could be splits pants once a month.

[John Crist]

I thought this was the title of his next special.

[Robert Kelly]

Wait, Jay and Bobby. Who. Who are we siding with? Who are we trying to help here? We're trying to help him or him.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, you're not trying to help anyone.

[John Crist]

Well, he might be.

[Big J. Okerson]

Let's see now.

[Robert Kelly]

We're out. We're done, right? We're out of the game.

[Big J. Okerson]

He's trying to get you guys over to some other spot with that.

[John Crist]

I didn't realize. I just believed him. I didn't think he was taking over and throw us off track. Oh, shit.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm going fucking John. Chris.

[Zach Amico]

I'm going John. And let's just base it on wage it.

[John Crist]

No.

[Zach Amico]

I love you very much, buddy. Whoever wins, Lewis, you're my best friend. And I love you so much.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I love you so much.

[John Crist]

Zach. This is so way over dramatic unless you guys put the same exact scores up.

[Robert Kelly]

Alex, show the score. Wait, wait, wait. Did you show the score first?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, after.

[Robert Kelly]

Okay.

[Alex]

This story belongs to Robert Kelly.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Big J. Okerson]

Hey, boys.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What an unchaotic story to have in there.

[Big J. Okerson]

Bobby, I've told you that I split. I went to Colin Quinn's wedding and the first dance, I got carried away with Prince. They were playing a Prince song.

[John Crist]

Should I do a split?

[Big J. Okerson]

And I.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No.

[Big J. Okerson]

I tried to just make a move and my pants just split down the middle and I had to leave his wedding.

[Zach Amico]

You touched a girl's hand. You made a move.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Zach, how many. How many points did you wager?

[Zach Amico]

14.

[Big J. Okerson]

14?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I wagered six points.

[John Crist]

It looks like the book stays here. We get to keep our brand new copy of Lisa Strada, where Parker learns hard into the comedy. The jokes land, the insults sting, and the raunch is profoundly front and center. But underneath the laughs, the play is still asking serious questions about power, protest, and how far people will go to make change. Especially when they're not the ones in charge. Liz Estrada stays right here.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm so happy to be the most winningest story warrior.

[John Crist]

Did you win? Every day. It's lopsided.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Like her tits.

[Zach Amico]

Wait, I have to say something.

[John Crist]

Yes, you're tit.

[Zach Amico]

I gotta tell you something.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What's that?

[Zach Amico]

Bobby won you this game.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Why do you think that?

[Zach Amico]

Because I wrote four. Bobby went really? And I put a one in front of it. Wow.

[John Crist]

I was just saying words.

[Zach Amico]

Bobby, Bobby, mind me out of this game. Not meaning to, but I need you to know I love you and I'm happy for you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I love you too, baby.

[John Crist]

Zach, that's nonsense. You love Satan. You. Bobby hurt you just now. You're hurt by him. He leaned the game on you. Let him bully you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Guys, thank you so much for coming out to Story wars tonight. Thank you very much. Clap it up for your panel. John Crist. Zack Amico. The great Robert Kelly.

[John Crist]

I'm Big J. Okerson.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm the Puerto Rican rattlesnake, Louis J. Gomez.

[John Crist]

We'll catch you next time on Story Wars. Until then, Pen.