043. TJ Miller, Mike Rainey, & Danny Polishchuk | Minorities

Summary

Story Warz Podcast Episode 043 Summary: TJ Miller, Mike Rainey, & Danny Polishchuk | Minorities

Introduction

In Episode 043 of Story Warz, hosted by Big Jay Oakerson and Luis J. Gomez from the GaS Digital Network, the dynamic duo welcomes renowned comedian TJ Miller, Mike Rainey, and Danny Polishchuk to engage in a captivating round of deceptive storytelling. Filmed live at The Stand Comedy Club in New York City, this episode centers around the theme of Minorities, setting the stage for an evening filled with humor, wit, and unexpected revelations.

Guest Introductions

• Danny Polishchuk: Known for his appearances on the Boys Cast Podcast and involvement in the Bathhouse, Danny brings his unique comedic flair to the panel.

• Mike Rainey: Featured on the Dad Meat Podcast and as one of the authors for the show's book giveaways, Mike adds depth and humor with his diverse background.

• TJ Miller: The multifaceted entertainer, recognized from Dear Jonah and his ongoing Gentle Giant Tour, TJ brings his signature energy and humor to the table.

Explanation of Story Warz

Big Jay Oakerson initiates the game by explaining that each panelist, including the hosts, has submitted multiple stories centered around the episode's theme—Minorities. The game mechanics are simple:

1. Story Submission: Each participant submits three to five stories.
2. Story Presentation: Eight stories are randomly selected and read aloud by Alex.
3. Guessing Game: Panelists must determine the origin of each story.
   • If a panelist guesses correctly, they earn two points.
   • If they successfully deceive others into believing a story isn't theirs, they gain one point.
4. Finalizing Answers: Votes are submitted via dry-erase boards, locking in answers for scoring.

Game Play: Story Rounds

1. Story Number One ([11:06])

   • Alex reads: "I used to hide my Green Day CDs under my dresser so that my black friends wouldn't know that I listened to music other than rap."
   • Notable Quote: "I don't have black friends." – Mike Rainey ([11:51])
   • Reveal: Mike Rainey claims the story, detailing his experiences hiding his music preferences to fit in with his predominantly black friend group.
   • Score Update: Mike earns points by accurately identifying the story.

2. Story Number Two ([23:49])

   • Alex reads: "I once got a rub and tug from an old Chinese lady who had trouble breathing. She was wheezing the whole time and it was very distracting. Eventually, she made me finish myself because she was too old and tired."
   • Notable Quote: "It's the realest thing I've ever said in my entire life." – Louis J. Gomez ([16:15])
   • Reveal: Louis J. Gomez shares a humorous yet unsettling encounter, highlighting cultural and generational misunderstandings.
   • Score Update: Points are allocated based on the panelists' guesses and Louis's storytelling.

3. Story Number Three ([32:34])

   • Alex reads: "I was robbed by a lesbian in a prostitution scam in Trinidad."
   • Notable Quote: "I can't stop going there." – TJ Miller ([28:57])
   • Reveal: Danny Polishchuk recounts his experience with a scam during a comedy gig in Trinidad, blending humor with a cautionary tale.
   • Score Update: Danny secures points through his candid and funny narrative.

4. Story Number Four ([44:36])

   • Alex reads: "I once hooked up with two heavyweight women in the back of a cab. When the Arab cab driver told us to cut it out, the girls started yelling racial slurs at him."
   • Notable Quote: "I'm so pissed I didn't get a clean sweep." – Big Jay Oakerson ([48:27])
   • Reveal: Danny Polishchuk again emerges as the storyteller, sharing a wild night that intertwines humor with cultural exchanges.
   • Score Update: Danny continues to lead as panelists navigate the chaotic events of the story.

5. Story Number Five ([57:16])

   • Alex reads: "While having sex with a black girl for the first time, she said, 'You're turning me out.' And I had to turn her over so she wouldn't see me holding back laughter."
   • Notable Quote: "That's insane." – Big Jay Oakerson ([59:00])
   • Reveal: TJ Miller humorously claims the story, adding layers of comedic disbelief and personal reflection.
   • Score Update: TJ earns recognition from the panel, despite initial skepticism.

6. Story Number Six ([66:15])

   • Alex reads: "I went and visited Alcatraz recently, and it was the golden hour. Suddenly, Al Capone was blowing out my cheeks, and I was being fucked in the ass by Al Capone."
   • Notable Quote: "That was me. I got it." – Big Jay Oakerson ([24:15])
   • Reveal: TJ Miller takes ownership of the absurd and vivid tale, blending historical figures with personal anecdotes.
   • Score Update: TJ solidifies his position with his bold storytelling.

7. Story Number Seven ([72:12])

   • Alex reads: "I traveled by cab from Arizona to Mexico for the sole purpose of eating a Mexican hooker."
   • Notable Quote: "I am going to eat hooker pussy." – Louis J. Gomez ([75:34])
   • Reveal: Mike Rainey shares his adventurous yet morally questionable experience, bringing laughs through his candid confession.
   • Score Update: Mike climbs the leaderboard as panelists react to his story.

8. Story Number Eight ([82:12])

   • Alex reads: "When I was a kid, I had an old Indian lady babysitter. She would microwave bananas, put ketchup on them, and feed them to me. My parents found out, and I never saw her again."
   • Notable Quote: "That's a Canadian delicacy." – Louis J. Gomez ([83:06])
   • Reveal: Danny Polishchuk concludes the storytelling rounds with a quirky and culturally infused memory from his childhood.
   • Score Update: Points are tallied as Danny wraps up his series of engaging tales.

Highlights and Humorous Interactions

Throughout the episode, the panelists engage in spirited banter, often teasing each other and the hosts. Memorable exchanges include:

• Mike Rainey humorously affirming, "I don't have black friends." ([11:51])
• TJ Miller expressing his competitive nature: "I am competitive." ([07:43])
• Danny Polishchuk making light of his experiences with, "I didn't have a friend for, like, two more years." ([20:25])
• Louis J. Gomez’s playful jabs, saying, "It's the realest thing I've ever said in my entire life." ([16:15])

The dynamic between the hosts and guests adds layers of humor and relatability, enhancing the overall entertainment value of the episode.

Conclusion and Winner Announcement

As the game progresses, points accumulate, leading to an intense and competitive atmosphere. By the end of the storytelling rounds, Mike Rainey emerges victorious, securing the prize: "Tropical Secrets. Holocaust Refugees in Cuba" by Margarita Engel. His ability to both tell convincing stories and correctly guess others' tales positions him as the night's top Story Warrior.

Notable Conclusion Quotes:

• Luis J. Gomez: "Mike Rainey, you take home 'Tropical Secrets. Holocaust Refugee in Cuba'." ([87:07])
• Danny Polishchuk: "Yes, baby." ([85:54])
• Big Jay Oakerson: "I'll tell you right now. You're right. You're nipping at my heels right now." ([70:20])

The episode concludes with heartfelt thanks to the audience, acknowledgment of the live show's energy, and a glimpse into future Story Warz episodes. The combination of compelling storytelling, comedic interplay, and competitive spirit makes Episode 043 a standout installment in the Story Warz series.

Transcript

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[Big J Okerson]

What's going on? Story warriors very excited to announce that we have merch available right now at our brand new website, storywarsmerch.com so if you guys want to rep the show that you love and you do love it, there's so many different things. We have great designs. We have double point shirts, Story Warrior shirts, hoodies, everything you guys want. Rep the show that you guys love. Whether you got double points or double tits, guess what? Storywars has you covered. Go to storywarsmerch.com that story wars with a Z merch.com and grab your T shirts or hoodies. Today we're going to have other stuff coming out. This is the first limited run. These are all limited edition designs, so grab them now before they disappear up.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're listening to the Cash Digital Network.

[Big J Okerson]

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Story wars with the Story Warriors. Big J. O Lewis, JCO.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What's up, everybody? Welcome to Story Wars, America's favorite Duke comedy game show. We are your Story Warriors. I'm Big J Okerson. That, of course is the Puerto Rican rattlesnake, Louis J. Gomez. We are happy to be here at the New York Comedy Club, our new.

[Big J Okerson]

Home sold out show three weeks in a row. Thank you guys so much. All 17 of you filled these seats.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We did it, dude. We got a large two large groups in here. How many people here are familiar with the game Story Wars? How many people's first time hearing about it?

[Big J Okerson]

A couple people. A lot, actually, a lot more people than usual.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's fine.

[Big J Okerson]

That's what you guys are gonna love it. I'll tell you right now, in an hour and a half, you're gonna be like, holy, that was the best show I've ever been to. I thought everyone was Gonna.

[TJ Miller]

I thought everyone was gonna explode.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's why it is the best show. Also because most of the people know the show, so it's funny. They didn't even get behind us. They were like, ah, best show I've ever seen. I'm sure it'll be fun. If you're not familiar with the show, we will be explaining after we get our esteemed panel up here of contestants. We have an amazing panel tonight. First person coming to the stage, you know him from the Boys Cast podcast as well as the Bathhouse. Make some noise for the hilarious Danny Polis. Chuck, everyone. Danny, Polish Chuck.

[Big J Okerson]

Polish Chuck. Polish Chuck. Danny was so excited, he knocked over everyone's water.

[Mike Rainey]

Sorry, sorry. They were yelling at me to come in.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You came in like a Polish Chuck. You walked in here like a real Polish Chuck.

[Big J Okerson]

He polish chucked those bottles of water on the floor. And your second competitor, making his Story wars debut as well, you know from the dad Meat podcast, Delco Derpa, Delco Durball, and actually one of the authors of one of the books we gave away on Story wars, which is pretty incredible. Ladies and gentlemen, clap it up for Mike Raining.

[Danny Polishuk]

Jay, do me a favor, knock all those books off so we could just have mine up here, please.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, sorry, sorry. I'll turn them around.

[Danny Polishuk]

Thank you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

There. Shame them. Our third and final contestant, last but not least, from the Dear Jonah. Stand up. Specially as on YouTube. The gentle giant tour currently going on it is the hilarious TJ Miller.

[TJ Miller]

There's a lot of split opinions. A lot of split opinions.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Tj, is your hair oddly darker than normal?

[TJ Miller]

I tried to get it dyed just in the center, but it didn't work. Everybody thought I was a charlatan. Hey, buddy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You look very hot as a brunette.

[TJ Miller]

What's that?

[Louis J. Gomez]

You look very hot as a brunette.

[TJ Miller]

Thank you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I like it.

[TJ Miller]

It suits you, Suitcase.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Sorry. If you're not familiar with the show, we always have a meet cute. Start in the beginning and see how the relationship develops throughout the show. Will me and TJ kiss? I don't know. You got to make it to the end.

[Danny Polishuk]

Tj, you look like you're wearing one of those down syndrome Instagram filters.

[TJ Miller]

Killed it. Killed it on that one. That was great. Absolutely, man. No, I. I do.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Calm down, everybody. The claws are already coming out. Everyone's excited to play Story Wars. If you're not familiar with Story wars and it was your first time listening is a very, very simple game. Everybody on this panel, all five of us, secret we. Everybody on this panel, including Lewis and I, has submitted three to five stories on one specific subject. Tonight's subject, Lewis.

[Big J Okerson]

Minorities.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Minorities.

[Big J Okerson]

Fucking act like it.

[TJ Miller]

Fucking act like it. Fucking piece of shit.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Who better to talk about minorities than three straight white guys?

[Danny Polishuk]

We figure, how is Anthony Kooman out here?

[TJ Miller]

I am. I'm serious.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Not what you identify as.

[TJ Miller]

I am a gay woman.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex is going to read off eight of those stories one at a time.

[Big J Okerson]

Let me just say. I don't mean to cut you off, Jay, but I've never seen the audience get more excited about a topic this 100.

[TJ Miller]

Well, Lewis, please. You have shaped your audience.

[Big J Okerson]

It's a 100% white racist audience. We've been waiting for this day.

[TJ Miller]

Everybody go to skank fest. It's crazy.

[Danny Polishuk]

Everybody's showing teeth right now. Love it.

[Big J Okerson]

That was good.

[TJ Miller]

It is. It's an Aryan rally.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's gang Fest. Everyone's got a minority story.

[Big J Okerson]

Minority Report, Alex.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hopefully not in no particular order. Alex is gonna read at random eight of those stories, one at a time. If it is your story, you're the only person who knows that it is your job to fool people that it is not your story. If it's not your story. I said, God damn it, if it's not your story. It's your job to guess whose story it is.

[Big J Okerson]

And for every story you guess correctly, you. Two points. For every person you fool on the panel, you get one point. Once you write the name of your guests on the dry erase board, put it into the slot.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Serious.

[Big J Okerson]

And take your hand away. That means that is your final answer. You can't change your answers. Tj, what's wrong?

[TJ Miller]

I.

[Big J Okerson]

What is wrong?

[TJ Miller]

Well, I'm a little concerned about how this whole thing will go, so.

[Mike Rainey]

We all are, man.

[Big J Okerson]

We all very competitive.

[TJ Miller]

I am competitive.

[Big J Okerson]

Have you won a Story wars yet?

[TJ Miller]

I did this thing called Lip Sync Battle. It was in 1982. And listen, when I say that I won.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ooh.

[TJ Miller]

And now here we are.

[Mike Rainey]

Okay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What did you lip sync?

[TJ Miller]

What's that?

[Louis J. Gomez]

What did you lip sync?

[TJ Miller]

Sometime the Sun Goes Round the Moon or something. Like whatever that is, that song. That's what I did.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I looked. You pointed. This moby looking motherfucker thought he might know. Hey, sir, you're.

[TJ Miller]

I think what's funny too, is he was like, I don't know what you're talking about.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Sir, you're a longtime EDM producer.

[TJ Miller]

But, yeah, listen, I'm nervous, okay?

[Louis J. Gomez]

There's no reason. Well, listen, also, you and your girlfriend.

[Big J Okerson]

Have the same glasses and face. Actually, Jay, we're like cartoon Characters.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay.

[TJ Miller]

You know, one time, a lot, one of the Legion of your Skanks pulled out the plug from the pinball machine that I was playing.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Michael Harrington. Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Alex is a classic. That was honestly the beginning of the legion of skanks. T.J. miller, love story.

[TJ Miller]

Well, it was pretty upsetting. And when it happened, I thought, if there's one thing I will do instead of lashing out at these gentlemen, I will one day come on to a heretofore not known podcast and win. And that's what I intend to do.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Holy shit. All right, well, tj, I don't want to get you too hyped up playing for keeps.

[Big J Okerson]

A win. A win is enough. But we're not just playing for bragging rights here, dj.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. If you want to know what you're gonna win, you're gonna want it even more. Tonight's winner wins Tropical Secrets. Holocaust Refugees in Cuba by Margarita Engel. 6. During World War II, Tropical Secrets follows Daniel, a Jewish boy who finds refuge in Cuba after being turned away by other countries. As he adjusts to a new culture and faces the pain of separation from his family, he forms deep bonds with the people of Cuba who have secrets of their own. Margarita Engel brings to light Cuban and Jewish culture through a moving yet poetic lens.

[Danny Polishuk]

Wow. That's beautiful, man. It sounds like the ovens in Auschwitz just got hotter.

[Big J Okerson]

They got a little spicy here, I'll tell you that much.

[Mike Rainey]

I didn't know there were Jews in Cuba.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Jubans.

[Mike Rainey]

Jubans.

[Louis J. Gomez]

On my life. That's what they're called.

[Big J Okerson]

That's a great joke.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's not a joke. They're called Jubins. The guys I was on Xerock with were Cuban Jew Jubans.

[Big J Okerson]

They were Jubins, okay?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, no, they were Jewish Colombians, which is also a thing. Jew Lumbians.

[Big J Okerson]

Jew Lumbians.

[TJ Miller]

Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Everyone's laughing, but this is a real. It's the realest thing I've ever said in my entire life.

[Danny Polishuk]

Tropical Holocaust. Adolf Hotler. Is he responsible for that?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Adolf Hotler.

[Danny Polishuk]

Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This guy gets it. I think this crowd is ready for war. Are we ready for war?

[Big J Okerson]

Let's go, baby.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Then, Alex. Let's stop the waiting. Story number one.

[Alex]

Story number one. I used to hide my green day CDs under my dresser so that my black friends wouldn't know that I listened to music other than rap.

[Big J Okerson]

Okay, okay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm gonna say what it's calling out.

[TJ Miller]

That's the end of the story.

[Big J Okerson]

It's the whole story.

[TJ Miller]

It's the whole story.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't know why this hits me. It's my first instinct was Danny.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Mike Rainey]

Lewis looked directly at me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

When I don't have black friends with conviction, maybe. Rainey. What part of Philly you grew up in?

[Danny Polishuk]

Delco.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I think. Yeah. Delco was like. I mean, there was white.

[Mike Rainey]

I never had black friends.

[Big J Okerson]

Never. No.

[TJ Miller]

I grew up in a very still. Nice. And you're like. And never.

[Big J Okerson]

It's a policy. Okay.

[TJ Miller]

And never, ever.

[Mike Rainey]

It's called sticking to your guns.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Where'd you grow up?

[Mike Rainey]

Burlington, Ontario, Canada.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, yeah.

[TJ Miller]

There's no black people in Canada at all.

[Danny Polishuk]

No.

[Big J Okerson]

But I was just in Burlington. It is a real shithole.

[Mike Rainey]

Yeah, it was nice. It used to be.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. But that doesn't mean there's definitely. There was some black kids there. And once in a while, you'd have to hide your Green Day. A telling thing to me here is Green Day CDs. Yeah, I got dookie on from Columbia House, but I never at the dookie poster.

[Big J Okerson]

I have dookie in my underwear.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We just pulled the CD out right now.

[Big J Okerson]

Jay did have black friends. He would have to hide it from them because they would kill him because he grew up in Philly proper.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes.

[Big J Okerson]

And so this could be a big J story. Pretty easy. Easily.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It could be a big Jason. I didn't have Green Day, dude. I do not like Green Day.

[TJ Miller]

You look like you do. You look so much like you do that. If I was across the street with Kate, our Jordan would be like that guy. Like Screen Day.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I thought Green Day guys were, like, horizontal striped shirt kind of guys. You know what I mean? Shoes. Are you wearing vans?

[Mike Rainey]

No, no vans. All right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No vans. Nike Duck Boots. I didn't have multiple. I only know two Green Day CDs.

[Big J Okerson]

I never got into green. I was more into metal, not into, like, pop punk.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[TJ Miller]

Were you ever into sketch? What is this, Scott?

[Big J Okerson]

I thought I hated sky, hated pop punk. Blink 182, bunny, buddy, boss songs.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The only thing that got us. The only thing that got us a little in the scoff for a second, anybody, was that you didn't realize Gwen Stefani's midriff was singing Gaska that whole time. We had no idea.

[TJ Miller]

That guy likes Green Day.

[Big J Okerson]

No, but I did secretly enjoy that tragic kingdom.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Secretly.

[Danny Polishuk]

Beautiful lady.

[Big J Okerson]

And I remember when I had that cd, I got, like, the ninth grade, and I was hanging out with my friends who like metal music, and they saw the CD and they were like, dude, that's gay. And I was like, No, I got it to break it. So we, like, broke it and burnt it and melted it down.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And I was like, don't speak. I know just what you're saying.

[TJ Miller]

Just don't speak about it.

[Big J Okerson]

But I did secretly enjoy the no Doubt CD Tragic Kingdom.

[Danny Polishuk]

Jay, how long was your wigger phase?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Has it ended going on about it?

[Big J Okerson]

It feels like he's in the Michelope.

[Danny Polishuk]

Ultra section of his wigger phase right now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What was I core wigger was probably. I mean, Green Day's era for sure. Yep. But I never liked Green Day.

[Danny Polishuk]

That's what they all say.

[TJ Miller]

Secrets.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But again, it's also. It's also. And Lewis could probably back this. It's also too targeted for the thing. It's like, if I'm hiding from my black friends would have to be like, Moody Blues, Greatest Hits, and Kenny Rogers the Gambler. There's so many things I would have had to hide because I was all over the place.

[Big J Okerson]

You just like Kenny Rogers because of the chicken place.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You know that guy sang. That guy sang.

[Big J Okerson]

It wasn't just macaroni and cheese and chicken. Tj, you're a fucking. You are a walking enigma. You could have easily.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Whoa.

[Big J Okerson]

Your friends. You had to hide your Green Day CD from your Enigma friends.

[TJ Miller]

There's no. I'll tell you because I personally know there's no possible way that I used to hide my green day CDs under my dresser so that my black friends wouldn't know that I listened to music other than rap. I never had a dresser.

[Mike Rainey]

Case closed.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Can I tell you something? I'm gonna say something.

[TJ Miller]

I kept my clothing in cabinets, you fucking idiots.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's bold.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm getting a TJ vibe here. I know everyone on the panel pretty well, and tj, he just seems like when he was younger, he would love Green Day. He seems like he'd really want to impress his black friends.

[TJ Miller]

Yum, yum, yum.

[Big J Okerson]

Tj, how do you feel about green.

[Danny Polishuk]

How do you feel about black people?

[TJ Miller]

Green Day is my scar. Let me put it that way. Green Day is my scar.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I feel like I'm gonna. I'm hurting someone's feelings. Who really, to this day, probably still likes Green Day by saying how much I find them just deplorable.

[Danny Polishuk]

Oh, yeah.

[TJ Miller]

They were so fun to watch, though, because they were so into it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Right. But I got. I don't know. I got a guy. Heavy. Faking an English accent is annoying as shit.

[TJ Miller]

Take it back.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's really annoying.

[TJ Miller]

They were terrible. I do take it back.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, my go Here we go.

[TJ Miller]

Yeah, exactly.

[Big J Okerson]

You have the time.

[Danny Polishuk]

No, no, no.

[TJ Miller]

I get knocked down and I get up again.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's Dishwalla for us.

[Big J Okerson]

To listen to.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Me wine.

[Mike Rainey]

Remember they had that secret song about jacking off at the end of that album?

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, yeah, I do remember that. I mean, not that I ever would like a Green Day song.

[TJ Miller]

A dingo ho, baby.

[Danny Polishuk]

Same one, right?

[Big J Okerson]

Look, I'm gonna get this. The voting going here, okay? I'm thinking tj. TJ won't make eye contact with me. He's looking down. He does have black person hair. I feel like this could easily be tj. And this is going to be my final answer right now. Tj. Miller. It's Miller time, baby.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I might surprise you here, Lewis. I'm going with Michael Rainey. Whoa.

[TJ Miller]

Strong, Jonathan.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's how I feel. Oh, everyone's getting goosed up.

[Big J Okerson]

TJ's hiding his answer.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I locked my answer in. Now I'm starting to think.

[TJ Miller]

I'm trying to get into it.

[Big J Okerson]

We got three votes for Mike, one vote for Jay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Who did you vote for?

[Big J Okerson]

I voted for tj, but now I'm thinking it's Mike. I feel like every. Everybody else read something right now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It could be.

[Big J Okerson]

And he just threw out.

[TJ Miller]

I really thought it could have been Jay.

[Big J Okerson]

I really.

[TJ Miller]

I really thought it was you.

[Big J Okerson]

No, no, Green Day Jay, like Jay. Jay did hang out with black people, but he secretly loved, like, Marilyn Manson and fucking gay metal.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It wasn't secret.

[Danny Polishuk]

Yeah, Green Day does seem like the intro to this.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Sure, I would bring.

[TJ Miller]

That's a gateway drug.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I would bring my black friends to see Marilyn Manson and corn and all that. Yeah, I wouldn't. This wouldn't be something I feel like I'd have to hide.

[Big J Okerson]

Alex, all of our answers are in.

[Alex]

Story number one belongs to Mike Rainey.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[TJ Miller]

I knew it.

[Big J Okerson]

So, Mike, what. What happened here? Your black friends would have beat you up if they saw you like Green Day?

[Danny Polishuk]

Well, no, the thing was, I had no friends at this time. But I just fantasized so much about black people liking me because I was so heavy in the rap that that wasn't happening. And then I. I accidentally got in the Green Day and I was like, if I acquire a black friend.

[TJ Miller]

Perfect.

[Danny Polishuk]

I cannot have Green Day CDs out because it was the only white that I had out. So I was like, if I acquire a black friend, they cannot see this.

[Big J Okerson]

Because they can't say, acquire a black. What year is it?

[TJ Miller]

Wait, I. I gotta understand. The Green Day was the only white I Had around. What was the other stuff? Everything else was, like, a stylish black.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Guy, super hip hop, throwing a bunch of super hip hop.

[Danny Polishuk]

Yeah, it was Wu Tang. It was mob deep.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I got you. So I understand. But it is much more hilarious that you're doing it for potential black friends. You were worried you were such a friend. Slut. You were worried that you were going to meet them and then have to bring them home immediately and they were going to see your bedroom, day one. Hang with your new black friend right in the bedroom.

[TJ Miller]

That's no time to take down. I thought, sound garden.

[Danny Polishuk]

I thought that's how black people worked.

[TJ Miller]

I didn't know they just go through.

[Mike Rainey]

All your stuff right away.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yo, you're my best friend. What's your mom making? Stove Top. I'm coming.

[Big J Okerson]

So did you ever. Did you end up bringing any black friends home?

[Danny Polishuk]

No, I didn't get a friend for, like, two more years.

[Big J Okerson]

And every time you went, every day.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You went to listen to Green Day, you had to fish underneath your dresser. Another day. New. No new black friends. Might as well pop on Dookie.

[Mike Rainey]

Was it dookie?

[Danny Polishuk]

It was a dookie. And they had an ep. Ep, which I thought was. I think it was an EP called Kerplunk.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, I remember that. Yeah, I remember.

[Big J Okerson]

Was it all album names?

[Danny Polishuk]

I gave up on them after that.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You didn't make it to American Idiot?

[Danny Polishuk]

No, no, I checked out by then.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's when they really kicked it up for me.

[Danny Polishuk]

Yeah, I acquired one black friend, and that was enough.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, nice.

[Big J Okerson]

You're like, this is enough.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That was his name.

[Mike Rainey]

Did you ever tell them about the green?

[Danny Polishuk]

They're gonna see it now.

[Big J Okerson]

So, Alex, where are our points at?

[TJ Miller]

Oh, boy.

[Alex]

All right, with zero points, Louis Jake, Omez you.

[TJ Miller]

You don't have to say zero.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Fine.

[TJ Miller]

You can say without any points, Louis J. Gomez, you can say that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You don't have to hurt him.

[TJ Miller]

Sorry, Lewis. I'll defend you to my death.

[Alex]

On the board, with one point, Mike Rainey. And tied for the lead with two points each, Big J Okerson, Danny Polishuk, and TJ Miller.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[TJ Miller]

Yeah, motherfucker.

[Danny Polishuk]

It's fun. Tj, you getting it now you have.

[TJ Miller]

To say in the lead, you can say with the most points.

[Danny Polishuk]

Are you having fun?

[TJ Miller]

What?

[Danny Polishuk]

Are you having fun now?

[TJ Miller]

I'm at work, man. My mother just died. I don't want to talk about it.

[Danny Polishuk]

Same.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Go ahead.

[Big J Okerson]

TJ Was supposed to do the show three weeks ago, and he was like, my mom just died. Give me a couple weeks and now I'm here.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's back.

[TJ Miller]

All right, come on. I'm sorry I keep interrupting. It's too much. I don't mean to keep interrupting. I'm going to leave in 20 minutes. Let's go for it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hey, let's take a minute and thank our sponsor for today's show. And that is Ridge Wallet. You've seen the advertisements online. You've heard us talking about Ridge Wallet for years. You're tired of having that big, messy, sloppy leather wallet with all your shit falling out of it in your pockets. Ridge wallet is the slim lined 12 card holding aluminum and carbon fiber wallet that fits right in your front pocket. Super sleek. Holds a bunch of cards, RFID blocking, tech, everything that makes a wallet great these days, plus more. They're actually amazing. They have an airtag wallet where you can put the air tag attachment so you never lose it at all. It's pretty amazing. And right now for Father's day, Ridge is going to have a huge sale for you that's up to 40% off. Go to ridge.comwarzwithaz W A R Z to grab the perfect gift for your dad or yourself. You don't have to just care. Maybe your dad passed away like Lewis's and you could buy it for yourself. Or buy it and just give it to a picture of him and. And cry. I don't know what Lewis does in his downtime. The important thing is Father's Day is here. You probably have a father. Get him a Ridge wallet. Go to ridge.com warz with a Z W A R Z and get that perfect gift for dad right now. Ridge.com wars with a Z and make sure you tell them story War sent you to the show. That helps us out. And you get to give dad the upgrade he so much deserves. Ridge wallet.com wars with a Z All right, where were we? Alex? Story number two.

[Alex]

Story number two. I once got a rub and tug from an old Chinese lady who had trouble breathing. She was wheezing the whole time and it was very distracting. Eventually she made me finish myself because she was too old and tired.

[TJ Miller]

That was me.

[Big J Okerson]

That was me. I got it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Experience.

[TJ Miller]

I completely forgot this. I thought for sure this never happened to me. I died.

[Big J Okerson]

I feel like everybody but Danny would get a rub and tug.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Thank you.

[Big J Okerson]

Thank you. You don't have rub and tug energy?

[Mike Rainey]

I don't have any energy.

[Danny Polishuk]

No, he does. He looks like he bows the entire way in as he passes everyone.

[Big J Okerson]

Danny has an old wheezy Chinese lady.

[Mike Rainey]

Yeah, I was Doing the rubbing tugs.

[Louis J. Gomez]

When I weigh, this comes back to Mike. Me or you, Louis. That's who I would be between if I was TJ And Danny.

[Danny Polishuk]

If a Chinese lady's heart stops, do you have to do cpl.

[Mike Rainey]

Very nice.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Big J Okerson]

I mean, yeah, Mike, you've gotten a handful of rub and tugs in your day. Yeah, yeah. Have you. Have we all gotten rubbing tugs here?

[Mike Rainey]

I have not.

[TJ Miller]

I can't stop getting them. I'm serious, and I won't stop. It was in my vows. I will not stop getting rub and tucks. So, yeah, you know, that's actually the.

[Mike Rainey]

Reason I never got one, because I always assume it's just like an old wheezing Chinese lady. I go, what's what? What is fun about that?

[Big J Okerson]

I had to hide My Weezer CDs from that old Chinese lady.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You had to hide them?

[TJ Miller]

I did. My buddy got a rub and tug, and at the end of it, she kept saying, oh, a big boy. Who's a big boy? Such a big boy. And it totally made him become flaccid.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Of course. Don't be patronizing.

[Big J Okerson]

It feels like she's mocking him.

[TJ Miller]

He became flaccid.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, he almost filled my whole tiny Chinese hand.

[Big J Okerson]

I mean, look, we've all had similar.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Stories to this, but this one is Louis.

[Mike Rainey]

We pick more than one person.

[Big J Okerson]

No, you can only pick one Danny. I'm getting Big J vibes. Sure. This one. Really?

[Louis J. Gomez]

This could. It could be me. I said, it's me, Mike or Lewis.

[Big J Okerson]

Very often, when it's Big J, he does exactly that. He goes, it could be me.

[Danny Polishuk]

And I think historically, Lewis gives minorities the most. Most problems.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes.

[Danny Polishuk]

So I think even when he's not trying, this is Louis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's what I feel like. I feel like this is Lewis is like. Like, oh, this is my life. I get the wheezy coffee.

[TJ Miller]

Yeah, but would you.

[Big J Okerson]

I wouldn't finish myself. I wouldn't make her finish me.

[TJ Miller]

Would you admit to actually finishing? I. I don't know. I don't think you would.

[Big J Okerson]

I would admit.

[Mike Rainey]

No, you would be like, get someone else to finish me. I paid.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, I'm not.

[TJ Miller]

Yeah, I paid a lot.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm not finishing myself at all.

[Mike Rainey]

It's not the transaction that was.

[Big J Okerson]

That's actually insane. Big J is a nice guy, so he wouldn't complain. I would be like, no, no, no.

[Mike Rainey]

Mike's nice, too, though.

[Big J Okerson]

No, but Mike's real.

[Louis J. Gomez]

One minor complaining. Me. And then if they're like, you're complaining about this? Like, yeah, it's crazy.

[Mike Rainey]

That is not a crazy complaint.

[Big J Okerson]

No, if. If she didn't finish me, I would be like, can you get somebody else? First of all, if she's wheezing in my ear, I'm going to ask for somebody else very quickly.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I see. I can see Lewis. I can see Lewis asking for something else.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm not wasting my $140, so I. On a wheezy old lady that's not gonna finish me off.

[Danny Polishuk]

Lewis would give her a shot of albuterol while she jerked him off. You're almost done.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm getting. I'm getting major Big J vibes on.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This one, which is making me think it's Louis, because I want to say, like, TJ Just put up Mike again. I also think this could be Mike again.

[TJ Miller]

I mean, I think he's cool. Thank you.

[Danny Polishuk]

Thank you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Guy parties.

[TJ Miller]

You know what? I think this is cool.

[Danny Polishuk]

Thank you.

[TJ Miller]

Guy gets so bad news, I chose Mike.

[Danny Polishuk]

Thank you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, I believe Danny when he says he's never been to a Robin tonight.

[Mike Rainey]

I've never been.

[TJ Miller]

It would be so amazing if it was him. It's just like, one time, and then I. Baby.

[Big J Okerson]

T.J. lewis, is this you?

[TJ Miller]

I don't know if you remember earlier, I not only admitted it, but I screamed about it.

[Big J Okerson]

He did admit it. I can see that being a TJ strategy.

[TJ Miller]

I won't listen either. Do it, buddy. Come at me.

[Big J Okerson]

Believe that, dude, because I feel like this is strategy. I'm going T.J. miller again.

[TJ Miller]

So much tragic. Every time I walk by an Equinox, I think of you.

[Big J Okerson]

You son of a bitch. You know how much I loved Equinox?

[TJ Miller]

Hey, dude, it's terrible. Here we go.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ooh, I likey likey.

[Big J Okerson]

Alex. All of our answers are in.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, shit. It's tj, isn't it? Fuck.

[TJ Miller]

It'd be funny if I got what it was. Like, scream. And I was like, go ahead and tell him, Alex.

[Alex]

Story number two belongs to Louis J. Goz.

[TJ Miller]

Exactly. Exactly.

[Big J Okerson]

Jay always talks himself out. Yeah, dude. This was right next door to Stand Up New York. The. It's actually a New York comedy club. Now, the. The door directly next door upstairs, it was an old Chinese lady.

[Danny Polishuk]

Lay down China.

[Big J Okerson]

Dude. She. Dude, the whole time, it wasn't even, like, wheezy. She was wheezy. But then she kept on, like, clearing her throat with phleg. And she's drinking off. She's trying to breathe.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You like? Yes. You tense here, big boy.

[Big J Okerson]

Dude, after. After. I mean, I want. I mean, 3040 minutes of her just, like, doing this.

[Louis J. Gomez]

40 minutes forever, dude. Holy.

[Big J Okerson]

First of all, anytime we got in a rub and duck, I don't even get the massage. I turn right over and I go, let's go. Yeah, I don't want to waste on a shitty massage. Just go. Get to it. Ming Ping it is. But.

[TJ Miller]

But honestly, why not prostitution? Because it's such a weird idea to be like, you know what? I'd like you to do the thing that I do better.

[Big J Okerson]

No, honestly, that's.

[TJ Miller]

That's what you're paying someone to masturbate.

[Big J Okerson]

You're not worried about AIDS with a hand job. That's really the difference.

[TJ Miller]

Depends on where you're getting the hand job.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's true.

[Big J Okerson]

Sounds like I probably worry where I go. Yeah, dude. So eventually my dick was just kind of like semi erect, and she says, and wheezing and fucking coughing. And then eventually she's like, you take too long, you finish yourself. And then I just jerked off as I looked at this old lady.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, guess what, Lewis. Her daughter's here in the back to avenge her. She's come back to defend her mother's honor. Wow.

[TJ Miller]

It's either that or her remains are right over there.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, my God. Is that my hand baby?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, no, it's.

[TJ Miller]

Sorry to say it has aids.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I've looked for you everywhere, hand baby.

[Danny Polishuk]

Louis, have you ever gone back to check on her to see if she survived?

[Big J Okerson]

No, she definitely died at least a month later. Dude, she had some sort of weird disease. Yeah, it wasn't good.

[Danny Polishuk]

Do you think she's in heaven with your mom?

[TJ Miller]

What?

[Danny Polishuk]

You think she's in heaven with your mom right now?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No.

[Big J Okerson]

No.

[TJ Miller]

There are separate heavens. You know that.

[Mike Rainey]

There's a Chinese.

[Danny Polishuk]

Just try to make it easier for you.

[Big J Okerson]

Alex, where are our points at?

[Alex]

On the scoreboard with two points each. Big J Okerson, Danny Paul.

[Louis J. Gomez]

God damn it.

[Alex]

And TJ Miller got all right and tied for the lead with three points each. Lewis J. Gomez and Mike Rainey.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Let's go, Bab. It's tense. It's tense. Tight.

[Big J Okerson]

Very close game.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Tight game, Alex.

[TJ Miller]

Don't me on this one, Alex.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Story number three.

[Alex]

Story number three. I was robbed by a lesbian in a prostitution scam in Trinidad.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This sounds like tj.

[Big J Okerson]

I mean, TJ is the type of guy to go to foreign countries because not all of us are losers.

[TJ Miller]

You know what? But sometimes when you're scammed in Trinidad, it's not a scam at all. It's a lesson.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[TJ Miller]

So, yes, I was robbed by a lesbian in a prostitution scam in Trinidad. But I see it as a lesson. It was an opportunity, not a mistake.

[Louis J. Gomez]

A teaching moment. A teaching moment.

[Danny Polishuk]

I, I picture Lewis going there to Trinidad, just so he can experience some kind of dad.

[TJ Miller]

Any.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So even if it's a Trinidad right now, if this now, would Alex change a place? Because Lewis isn't a Trinidad, he's an island man. Yeah, but I never heard him going.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't think she would change a place.

[TJ Miller]

Now everything feels like it's Louis, right?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, well, he's the only minority off.

[TJ Miller]

To that elderly Asian woman, by the way. Now you're like, prostitution scam. Yeah, I believe it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Lewis is so bad at being a minority that I've said on this stage multiple times, hey, five straight white guys doing stories about minorities. I just count Louis. Like, he's not Puerto Rican. That's fucking wacky. And by the way, he doesn't even correct me. He goes, nice.

[Big J Okerson]

I never, I never went to Trinidad, but I did go to Vietnam.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm glad I vamped long enough for that to pop. Danny.

[Big J Okerson]

I mean, I, I know that Jay has been robbed by a few prostitutes. You've told me a few stories of you being robbed by prostitutes in your life.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Sure.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't remember if one was in Trinidad.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I've never been to Trinidad.

[Mike Rainey]

I've never been to Trinidad.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Who's been to Trinidad?

[Big J Okerson]

I didn't even know Trinidad was a real place.

[Mike Rainey]

It's kind of Trinidad and Tobago.

[TJ Miller]

It's kind of too bad that there these people on these, the stage.

[Big J Okerson]

It's okay.

[TJ Miller]

It's fine. All right. Never mind what I was saying.

[Big J Okerson]

I feel like Rainey doesn't own a passport.

[Danny Polishuk]

You're correct.

[Big J Okerson]

I think.

[Danny Polishuk]

Tj, you look like you would hire a lesbian just for the conversation.

[TJ Miller]

But I don't have to hire them.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. This one just said, like, tj, what.

[Mike Rainey]

Is exactly a prostitution scam, I wonder? Like, do they fake me?

[TJ Miller]

How can it rob you? Were the lesbians robbing you or the scam itself was robbing you?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Mike Rainey]

Like, was this like a short haired Trinidad?

[Danny Polishuk]

No, it's either they take your money or they reveal like a Scooby Doo, like, penis.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, that is a scam. I would love that too. That is a scam.

[TJ Miller]

Then I could be like.

[Danny Polishuk]

And I would have got away with it if weren't for you pesky lady boys.

[Louis J. Gomez]

If it wasn't for you pesky lady boys.

[Big J Okerson]

I would have come if it wasn't for this penis. I'm, I'm leaning tj. I'm leaning Jay. Tj, does he has that? He's been in multiple movies. He's fucking traveled the world, tj. Have you been to Trinidad?

[TJ Miller]

I can't stop going there.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Lesbian prostitution, I can't gut. I gotta go gut.

[TJ Miller]

I won't. You know what? I won't do it domestically. I won't. I only go to lesbian prostitution rings in Trinidad because when I think sexual experience, I think lesbians. So, yeah, I pay money for women to be like, I'm not into you.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Out of left field.

[TJ Miller]

Do you have any?

[Big J Okerson]

I. I feel like this is a big J story. I remember you talking about being robbed by lesbians once. Once in a foreign country. We've been friends for time and I'm. It's sort of making me feel like this is you, my friend.

[TJ Miller]

Wow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I did get robbed by a prostitute, though.

[Big J Okerson]

Wow.

[Danny Polishuk]

He didn't deserve it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Everyone's locked.

[TJ Miller]

Locked and loaded.

[Louis J. Gomez]

J. Alex.

[Alex]

That story belongs to Big J. Okerson.

[Big J Okerson]

You little.

[Mike Rainey]

I'm sorry, tj.

[TJ Miller]

You piece of shit.

[Mike Rainey]

I'm sorry.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, I didn't remember Trinidad. I remember you got robbed in a. Fuck you in a foreign country. You got robbed and it was Trinidad.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It was Trinidad.

[TJ Miller]

What was the deal? How did you get into the prostitution scam with women that don't like men?

[Louis J. Gomez]

So I was in my really creepy jungle hotel room. I was out there doing a gig. It was a black comedy circuit gig. They had me do out there while Carnival was happening in Trinidad. And we went there, did a show. And this show was full of gorgeous. I mean, half naked women was the. It was like a club that they just decided to do a comedy show at. And after the show. This was not a place where I was getting any second looks from anybody, but I was. Was horny as. And I went back to my.

[Big J Okerson]

I couldn't imagine you not getting second looks in Trinidad. This guy must love Green Day.

[TJ Miller]

Another Green Day.

[Big J Okerson]

He's probably got some CDs under his dresser.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's where these mono. So they always. This is before, like, especially in Trinidad, I had no working functioning Internet in any way. This is. Is early 2000s. And so they had the newspaper, you know, the back of those shitty newspapers that would have prostitutes that would come over and I got. And it was like the equivalent of like 100American dollars. It was or something like they want. It might have been. They might have used American dollars. But 100 bucks. I remember they like to come over and then, you know, I called, they said they were coming I got. I was nervous as. And then I get a knock on the door. And it's one of the hotels where it's like. Like it's. You know, your door goes right to the outside, like a balcony. Where? Motel.

[Mike Rainey]

That's a motel?

[TJ Miller]

Yeah, yeah, it's a lesbian motel.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's not always a motel, but for.

[Big J Okerson]

The right now, by definition, it's a motel.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, no, not always. When it goes.

[TJ Miller]

But in this case, it's a motel.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[TJ Miller]

Every morning they have naughty ladies. Certainly always.

[Mike Rainey]

It looked.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, like. It looked like j.

[Big J Okerson]

Just let it go. It was a motel. Jesus. We're not judging.

[TJ Miller]

You did the sign out.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I didn't choose to stay. That's where I was put up by a show. So I. But it was a very jungly around it.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, sir. I apologize. That was up.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What was up about? It's only fucked up what you did.

[TJ Miller]

One way to put it. Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But, yeah. So I got a knock on the door, and I open the door, and it is an obese, bulky, obvious bull dykish lesbian.

[TJ Miller]

Yum, yum, yum.

[Louis J. Gomez]

A stud, I think they call that. And she goes. She goes, hey. She goes, all right, a hundred dollars or whatever. And I was like, oh, wait. I go, is it just. I go, are you the girl? And then. And she very quickly. And congratulations to her, goes. She goes, no, no. I just clicked the money. Then I send the girl up, and I was like, oh, thank God. And I gave her the $100. And then as soon as I closed the door, she goes, she'll be right up. As soon as I close the door, I go, there's no one's coming back. That was the girl. And I insulted her and then handed her $100 for free and told her to go that way.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't know if it was a prostitution scam or you just didn't have good etiquette with prostitutes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, no, she scammed me. What was I supposed to do? Just whack myself off like a fucking weirdo? Prostitution etiquette.

[TJ Miller]

I love that. You're like, I don't have to fuck you, right? And she's like, no, give me the money, and thank God I don't have to fuck you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, it's like she played. The move was so smart. She goes, he's gonna be so excited that he's not fucking me, and there's someone he will be attracted to coming up that he's just gonna. I didn't even think twice. I go, oh yeah, yeah. Here, take all of my worth.

[Big J Okerson]

She sets up an uglier girl and she's like, no, no, no. I'm the next girl that says the next girl. Give me another $100.

[Danny Polishuk]

And as she tells the story, it sounds the same. She's telling her friend, she's like, yeah. Opens the door and there's this obese bullshit.

[TJ Miller]

So I don't, I don't want to be weird, but this feels a little less like a lesbian prostitution scam and more like this Bulldike took your money.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was just robbed by a lesbian. Sounds like a regular. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[TJ Miller]

Classic deniers and of a lot husband.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I guess maybe she would have had sex with me for $100, but luckily for her, she was too fat and ugly.

[Big J Okerson]

She was so gross that she scammed you. Alex, where are points at.

[Alex]

All right on the scoreboard with two points each, Danny Polishuk and TJ Miller.

[Mike Rainey]

We stink, man.

[Alex]

With three points, Mike Rainey. And tied for the lead with five points each, the story warriors, Louis J. Gomez and Big J Okerson.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The way it should be, this never happens. This never.

[Big J Okerson]

Hold on to our book, Jay. We can hold on to Tropical secrets.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Do you know how much I want to keep this book? In Tropical Secrets, 13 year old Daniel escapes Nazi Germany and ends up in 1940s Cuba, a place unlike anything he's known. Struggling with loss and loneliness, he slowly finds hope through unexpected friendships with Cubans and the kindness of strangers told in lyrical verse. What? This is wow. What? This is a powerful story of Jewish survival, identity and the healing power of human connection. Don't tell Dave Smith.

[Danny Polishuk]

Yeah. And just so we're clear, in Cuba the book is being sold as the Diary of Tan Frank.

[Big J Okerson]

So.

[Danny Polishuk]

So don't get confusing.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Working title. It's a working title.

[Mike Rainey]

Working title.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hey, real quick, let's take a minute to thank one of our amazing sponsors over here at Story wars. And that is sheath underwear. Father's day is coming up in a few weeks and if you're tired of getting the same old golf balls and a tie and a. A shitty shirt he's going to hate, try some brand new sheath underwear. It's the moisture wicking underwear that keeps all of your equipment cool. And most importantly, part to me separated, my genitals don't get along. So I like to keep them in different things like betta fish and then they flare up. Sheath can be worn as boxer briefs or you can use the incredibly high tech sheath pouch to keep everything separated. They are super comfortable, as you said. Moisture wicking. The materials are great. We've been using them for years. I wear them every day. And you can tell they're the most comfortable pair of boxer briefs I've ever worn. So go right now and find out for [e-mail] and use the promo code DAD, 30. D A, D, 30. And you're gonna get 30% off your next order. One more time. That sheathunderwear.com promo code DAD 30 for 30% off. Find out what all the hype's about. It sheathunderwear.com all right, where were we? Yeah. Alex. Story number four.

[Alex]

Story number four. I once hooked up with two heavyweight women in the back of a cab. When the Arab cab driver told us to cut it out, the girls started yelling racial slurs at him.

[Big J Okerson]

I know it's not Jay, because there's no way three heavyweight women are gonna put in the back of the cab.

[Mike Rainey]

Could have been an Escalade.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They make bigger cabs. Dude, they make big cabs.

[TJ Miller]

There were bigger cabs back then that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They got the cabs with the sliding door.

[TJ Miller]

Dude, huge cabs back.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Don't say, this couldn't be me. It is me now. How about that? I'll just admit it, because you can't insult me. I can. Two fat chicks in a cab, two.

[Big J Okerson]

Heavyweight women back of a cab is hilarious. Danny, how long you been married?

[TJ Miller]

Well, this feels almost one year.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, yeah. So this could be. This could be early Danny. Big old Canadian cab. Two big old native Canadians.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, he didn't even say heavyweight. He didn't even say heavyweight black women, which means it could just be big, bulky, thick Canadian bitches just full of piss and SAP.

[Danny Polishuk]

Yeah. It feels like the women in Canada are built for winter, too.

[Mike Rainey]

This seems like a thing that happened in Philly to me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, I don't know, O. I don't.

[Big J Okerson]

Like that little deflection.

[Danny Polishuk]

Plus, it's. I could be wrong, but I think Canadians refer to Middle Easterners as Arabic Arabs.

[Big J Okerson]

No, Arabs are Arabs.

[Mike Rainey]

What do you mean?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, boy, oh, boy. This is really coming together for me.

[Big J Okerson]

I mean, you've been married forever, Rainey, right? Yeah.

[Danny Polishuk]

Quarter century.

[Big J Okerson]

Quarter century?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Really? Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

25 years?

[Danny Polishuk]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Man, that's wild.

[Danny Polishuk]

I know, man.

[TJ Miller]

What's the. Just kidding. I wasn't gonna imagine if I was like, what's the secret? I would never. Not gonna do that. So. Sorry.

[Big J Okerson]

I mean, this seems like. This seems like it could easily be a me or big J story, but I'm getting Danny Polishuk vibes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

On this one.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't know why.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I know why he said aab, but he didn't call the heavyweight women black.

[Big J Okerson]

You imagine you're imagining black women?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Seems like I was imagining black one. So there's a lack of the word black there. Making me think it's big, thick, Canadian. Fat chicks.

[TJ Miller]

Big Canadian.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We have blacks in Canada with the tits that. Like, they're weirdly thin up here, but heavy down here.

[TJ Miller]

Yeah, but it's like someone.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Someone's trying to get to the last in their eyes.

[TJ Miller]

If you look at that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes.

[Danny Polishuk]

And cut it out. Makes it seem like you're doing 3st in the back.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Hey, cut it out.

[Big J Okerson]

That is a Canadian thing.

[Mike Rainey]

See, I feel like.

[Big J Okerson]

Cut it down. You like Uncle Joey.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, dude, that guy's an idiot too.

[Big J Okerson]

You're right.

[Mike Rainey]

Feel like this had to have happened.

[Big J Okerson]

Kier is Canadian.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Kier. This is a Kier Sl. Polish story. Nonsense. Say no more.

[Mike Rainey]

See, I feel like this had to happen shortly after 911. I said I think this had to happen shortly after 911.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's when you were really getting AAB in your vocabulary. I'm not going to America. The Arabs are coming.

[Mike Rainey]

When you could call Danny.

[Big J Okerson]

You don't have to act anymore.

[TJ Miller]

It's fine.

[Big J Okerson]

Everyone has voted. Everybody's voted.

[TJ Miller]

Everybody's kind of giving you.

[Big J Okerson]

You can't write yourself.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The charade's over. By the way, if there's anyone who's not Danny, this is Lewis. He loves fighting with cab. Oh, this is the girl's fault with the cab driver.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This isn't Louis. Go on, Alex. Fuck our shit up.

[Alex]

This story belongs to Louis J. Gome.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Fuck this game. Fuck this game.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, I'm so pissed I didn't get a clean sweep. Danny, you son of a bitch. I had everyone thinking it was you for no reason. This doesn't seem like a Danny story at all.

[TJ Miller]

And you know what? It's.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You know, his private life.

[TJ Miller]

How do you, Danny, how do you.

[Mike Rainey]

I mean, it could have happened, but.

[TJ Miller]

Yeah, I was gonna say, Danny, how do you feel about the vaccine that everybody was like you hooked up with two heavyweight women in the back of a cab.

[Mike Rainey]

Threesomes. A threesome.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right.

[Big J Okerson]

It was right. It was right after 9 11.

[Mike Rainey]

I know because it must have been when it was still cool to call.

[Big J Okerson]

It was. It was my ticket selling days for this club. I met these two just absolute pro wrestlers in Times Square. Like the. The Big show and the Great K. These were a tall one. They were massive and I was in the cab and I was making out with one. The other one was sucking my dick.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Give me your typhoon. Get your earthquake.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, dude, it was, it was so gross. I did. I was just 19 or 20. I was just, I was, I was a mess of myself. And the cab driver was like, hey, cut it out back there. And these just went to town on him. They're like, you, you dirty sand. N word. I mean, it was crazy, right? It was.

[TJ Miller]

And then you, you just.

[Big J Okerson]

And then I came.

[TJ Miller]

I was going to go.

[Mike Rainey]

I was going to go.

[TJ Miller]

I was going to go. And you're like. And then you imagine an elderly Chinese woman.

[Mike Rainey]

Then you came.

[TJ Miller]

Was what I would have done.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, dude, these, these came quicker. They were gross. I will tell you that much.

[TJ Miller]

I love it.

[Big J Okerson]

I've talked about the one, cuz I ended up hooking up with the other one again. And she looked like, like you remember? Because I was, I, I had a.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It was one heavyweights. Better than heavy weights doggy.

[Big J Okerson]

She looked, she, I, I mentioned this reference to you about the one girl. She looked like Station from Bill and Ted's bogus journey. Remember when the two stations became Giant Station? That's too specific of a reference. But she was, she was an animal. And she's here now.

[TJ Miller]

Bring her out.

[Big J Okerson]

Everyone out here.

[TJ Miller]

Come on out here.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Say hello, angry.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, I just cleaned up there, though.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What are our scores, Alex?

[Mike Rainey]

Can't believe everybody thought it was me.

[Alex]

All right, on the scoreboard. In last place with two points.

[TJ Miller]

You haven't even done one of mine. We talked about this on the telephone before I came here. That's why I'm gonna leave in 10 seconds. Put one of my fucking stories up there. And I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at me. Ever felt that?

[Alex]

In last place with two points, T.J. miller.

[Louis J. Gomez]

On the board. On the board.

[Alex]

In fourth place with three points, Mike Rainey. In third place with four points, points. Danny Polishuk. In second place with five points, Big J. Okerson. And in the lead with eight points, Louis J. Gomez.

[Big J Okerson]

We're at the halfway point of the show, so we're gonna go around and do some plugs with everyone real quick. Another four stories coming up. But T.J. what are you plugging, my friend?

[TJ Miller]

I'm so excited that everybody came to see the show. I love the show. It's a great new logo with a question mark and the little devil horns. I thought this was gonna go a different direction for me and it's not going to seems. No, there's not Any more time. In fact, there's no time at all. So I'd like to plug kind of the end of this show.

[Big J Okerson]

I'd like.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ha ha.

[TJ Miller]

I'd like everybody listening to be excited about the second half of the show. That's what I plugged.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Mike Rainey.

[Danny Polishuk]

Rather than plug anything, I would just like to celebrate the life of TJ's deceased mother, Enorma Miller, who rose from the trenches of being a heavyweight prostitute.

[TJ Miller]

Without a doubt you're getting the audience on your side right now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Thank you, brother.

[TJ Miller]

Yes, without a doubt who rose from the trenches.

[Big J Okerson]

The best move you could have made, screaming at Arabs.

[TJ Miller]

So go ahead to raising one of.

[Danny Polishuk]

The finest comedians that entertainment has to offer. That's what I want to do.

[TJ Miller]

It's a double back. That won't work. But they forgave you enough to. That's how charitable this legion of story warriors.

[Danny Polishuk]

Thank you, buddy.

[TJ Miller]

Is.

[Danny Polishuk]

Thank you.

[TJ Miller]

Touch me again and I'll fight you physically.

[Big J Okerson]

Danny.

[TJ Miller]

I don't need to. I'm too, too good.

[Mike Rainey]

I'm gonna be in Calgary at the last shop June 5th to 7th. You can get tickets.

[TJ Miller]

Great club.

[Mike Rainey]

Amazing club. Danny.Comedy.com. check out the boys cast and the greatest calling show on the Internet. Low value mail every Monday night.

[TJ Miller]

Where's cast? So good.

[Danny Polishuk]

Let's go, baby.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Big J, bigjay comedy.com for all my dates. I got Long island governors coming up. San Diego, Tacoma, Washington, Charlotte. Look for a senior. You bigjay comedy.com of course, the bonfire five days a week, faction talk, Sirius XM103 with me and the great Robert Kelly. The legendary legion of skanks right here on Gas Digital network. And them, they both parts of my double crowd work special available right now on YouTube. Go check them out.

[Big J Okerson]

Luis, come see me live on the road next weekend, May 28 through June 1. I'm going to be in Europe. I'm going to be in Amsterdam, Glasgow, Dublin, Manchester, London. It's gonna be a blast. I got Boston coming up in June. Baton Rouge, Louisiana, Long Beach, Missouri, Mobile, Alabama. Atlantic City's coming up. This is all before I film my Next special on July 12th. Tampa at Tampa side splitters. Very excited about all this. It's a great club, incredible club. Thank you. Come see me on the road, please. And also check out all my other podcasts, the regs Legion of Skanks. My, my private bonus podcast just for people on my mailing list as well. You know what? I just launched my own coffee brand that supports testosterone. So go to bodybraincoffee.com that's on brand. Yeah.

[TJ Miller]

What about your solo stream? What is that? Cuz I jumped on there and it was hilarious.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh yeah, tj, Cold in earlier today for my solo stream. I'm streaming on my YouTube channel as well, so do all that.

[TJ Miller]

That's so good.

[Big J Okerson]

And if you love this show, if you're listening to this show right now and you really love it, you should know that we do an uncensored and ad free version of the show. Like up here, we're saying so much crazy that we can't put out on YouTube. So go to gas digital.com you get a pre release on the episode. There's a bunch of episodes that are not available anymore on YouTube or anywhere else. Gas digital.com use the promo code war or wars. Both of them work and you'll save a buck 50 on a premium membership. And you get access to thousands of hours of many other amazing podcasts, including Legionist Gangs and all the other shows we do on guest Digital. All right, second half, second half.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Now.

[Big J Okerson]

TJ's down in the dumps right now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

TJ, TJ, I know you're feeling, you're making dinner plans. You. You're ready to get out of here because you think you're out of this game, buddy. You couldn't be further than out of this game. Because I think you know from being on the show before, for the final four stories, we go double points.

[TJ Miller]

Is that true?

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's right, tj, it's very much true. Before, if you fooled somebody, you got one point. If you guessed the correct story, you got two points. Now that goes double points. Your chick in the back. It's just funny when whenever double points comes on, she's in her phone, but she's just going like, like it just catches her like it's such a tune. Yeah, she loves double points. Thank you, Roots.

[TJ Miller]

I like the woo woo woo part at the end.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, yeah, we made that up. That's our thing originally.

[TJ Miller]

Heart. That's what I like the best.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Somebody's about Arsenio hall, but I'm like, what? Who's that?

[TJ Miller]

This better go my way.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It could. It could.

[TJ Miller]

Alex, I swear to God.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Story number five.

[Alex]

Story number five. While having sex with a black girl for the first time, she said, you're turning me out. And I had to turn her over so she wouldn't see me holding back laughter.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, my God. He came back as a black man. What a crazy trick. Oh my God. The craziest magic we've ever Seen here on the show.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's T E E J A Y Miller.

[Mike Rainey]

Is he coming back?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, probably not.

[Big J Okerson]

What if it is his story?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Brilliant move. Would he do. Did.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, if it's his story and he just did that. What a hardcore move.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Miss, could you ask TJ Mo if this is a story? Thank you. When having sex with a black girl for the first time. You're turning me out. I mean, that would make one of you two. That would make all of us laugh.

[Danny Polishuk]

I think you would get too winded turning a lady over.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Me? Yes, it's possible.

[Danny Polishuk]

So I'm going to go with. I'm gonna go somebody else on this.

[Big J Okerson]

Jake, he's gone. He's out.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's gone.

[Big J Okerson]

No, there's no, there's no way. It's actually too. But if it's tj, that's crazy.

[Mike Rainey]

That's insane. But he is insane.

[Big J Okerson]

But I do think it did upset him that it wasn't his story. I think Alex had one shot to keep TJ on the show, which was to make story number five when they got.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Guy's a thespian.

[Mike Rainey]

He is a bit of an actor.

[Big J Okerson]

Jay got. Jay got ripped off by a thespian scam in Trinidad.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Big old thick thespian turning out is funny.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm getting Danny. Paula. Shut me too.

[Mike Rainey]

No, I've never had sex with a black woman.

[Big J Okerson]

Have you. Have you really never had sex with a black woman?

[Danny Polishuk]

How come?

[Mike Rainey]

No, now I'm married, so it's not to be going to happen.

[Danny Polishuk]

What would hold you back from that?

[Mike Rainey]

Being married?

[Danny Polishuk]

Well, I mean before that. Have you been married all along?

[Mike Rainey]

No, no, no. I've only been married for like a year. Just the situation. Never.

[Big J Okerson]

How old were you when you got married, Mike?

[Danny Polishuk]

Never officially married, but been together for 25 years.

[Big J Okerson]

Okay. And how, how old were you before you guys got together?

[Danny Polishuk]

21.

[Big J Okerson]

21, yeah. Any black checks before that?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No. No.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, I thought you were going to.

[Mike Rainey]

Say you couldn't even get a black friend.

[Danny Polishuk]

He was like, I do like to roll my ends.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, I'm getting, I'm getting no TJ. No, TJ's gone. TJ is gone.

[Mike Rainey]

If this is his story, that's insane.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think it's going to be his story.

[Big J Okerson]

That's crazy. That's crazy. If it's his story.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But, but, but maybe he's just hiding out until we all guess something else.

[Big J Okerson]

Maybe.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And he's going to come back with triumphant a.m. also, Jake is a scumbag.

[Big J Okerson]

If TJ was like, go back in there and tell Jake. Jake is climbing pieces.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Zero loyalty. You think TJ's going to hire you to do nothing.

[Big J Okerson]

You'Ve erased.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's foolish what we're doing.

[Big J Okerson]

I mean, TJ would be be the smarter answer here, but I'm still going. Danny. Paula, shuck. I don't believe him when he says he's never had sex with a black woman.

[Mike Rainey]

I think it's J.

[Big J Okerson]

Is Jay. No. Nobody. No, no, no woman is saying Jay is turning them out. Look at me. It's insane. No offense, Jay. And this I'll say for both of us. We don't have dicks that turn black women out.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's how I thought. I thought I was laying on top of her and her insides were going on the outside.

[Big J Okerson]

You turn to me inside out. Get off.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, my insides.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh my.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Outside. I'm going with Danny as well. No vote from tj, no vote from tj. All answers are in Alex.

[Alex]

That story belongs to Danny. Paula, shock.

[Big J Okerson]

We knew it. Danny, wait a second.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I just want to say before the show, Lewis, you came up to me and you go, TJ said he's doing something. Oh God, what's it gonna be? And it was just leaving the whole time.

[Big J Okerson]

No, he had another. He had another plan at one point. Right, Alex?

[Alex]

Oh, for sure.

[Big J Okerson]

And Alex put the kibosh on his plan. I think that probably bummed him out for the beginning of the show. Go.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh God, what was it going to be?

[Mike Rainey]

I don't know. He said in the green room, he goes, I got to leave at 8:45.

[Big J Okerson]

Did he really?

[Mike Rainey]

Yeah, it just seemed like it was a joke. It's dj, just go, haha. Funny dj.

[Big J Okerson]

So what happened with this black girl you had sex with?

[Mike Rainey]

Met her on Tinder randomly in Ottawa and had sex with her and then she said that and I was like.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Would she take a black girl with like a super Canadian voice? Like, you're turning me out, turning me out.

[Big J Okerson]

You're turning me o.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Too hard.

[Big J Okerson]

You're turning me.

[Danny Polishuk]

I mean, was she. Was she on Section 8?

[Mike Rainey]

No, we don't have that. No, no, she's actually rich. No, no, no, you're a racist.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm a section oot.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It should be a crime how you're me, eh? I'm gonna call the mounted police.

[Mike Rainey]

No, she was actually really rich, actually. But no, I didn't know I had that gear in me. I'm not gonna lie.

[Big J Okerson]

Like rich. Like chocolate.

[Mike Rainey]

That too.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And sweet. The darker the berry.

[Big J Okerson]

Hell yeah.

[TJ Miller]

Yeah.

[Mike Rainey]

They say once you go black, you Never go back, and I never went back, so.

[Big J Okerson]

Actual racism. Actual racism. Alex, where are points at?

[Alex]

In last place with two points and not here anymore.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, there's still time. There's still time for him.

[Alex]

T.J. miller.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Did he text anybody what his vote was?

[Mike Rainey]

He said it was Jay.

[Alex]

In fourth place with six points, Danny Paluk. In third place with seven points, Mike Rainey. In second place with nine points, Big J. Okerson. And in the lead with 12 points, Louis J. Gomez.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, that's right. Story.

[Big J Okerson]

Just to clarify, TJ Stories will still be in here, right? Or are you removing them from the game?

[Alex]

I was gonna leave him in. I guess we've never faced this before.

[Big J Okerson]

We've never faced. I don't. I don't know. What if. What if through TJ not even being here, he ends up winning?

[TJ Miller]

Is that possible?

[Mike Rainey]

Yeah, technically, if he could make up that many points.

[Big J Okerson]

Yes. Yeah, 100%.

[Alex]

Technically, he could. Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

TJ can still win by not being here. Okay. All right, guys, let's take a quick moment and thank yocratum.com for supporting today's show. We love Yo Kratom Home. Home of the $60 kilo. A kilo kratom. It's incredible. That's 1.1 pounds, Jay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

2.2.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, that's right. You. I forgot that we're doing double points.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Double pounds.

[Big J Okerson]

Double pounds.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Double pounds of Kratom, everybody. Double pounds. It looks like if you order a kilo kilo of Kratom, you're gonna get double pounds.

[Big J Okerson]

Double pounds.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Thank you, Roots.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, look, if you're in the market for Kratom, you got to get it from your creative. The market sponsors for everything here at Gas Digital and for Skank Fest, longtime supporters of all the shows that we do. So if you're in the market already, support the company that supports us, yocratum.com. all right, where were we? Story number six.

[Alex]

Story number six. I went and visited Alcatraz recently, and it was the golden hour, and I realized that's not that bad of a place to be. And then suddenly, Al Capone was blowing out my cheeks, and he was busting it up from behind, and it was the golden hour, and I loved it. I loved being fucked in the ass by Al Capone. My name is Mike Rainey.

[Mike Rainey]

Guy's killing. He's not even in the room.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What?

[Big J Okerson]

My name is Mike Ray. Really got me. Nailed it, baby.

[Alex]

All the votes are in.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All the votes are in.

[Alex]

That story belongs to TJ Miller.

[Danny Polishuk]

Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Finally got one, baby.

[Big J Okerson]

So. So tj, elaborate on this story.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Tell us what happened there, bud.

[Mike Rainey]

Do you have his phone number? You call him?

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, I do. All right. Should I. What if he. What if he deads My call. I mean, there's not a.

[Mike Rainey]

Sends you in a voice.

[Big J Okerson]

There's not a real story to tell.

[Mike Rainey]

That was not even in the form of a story. That was like a manic thought.

[Big J Okerson]

Alex, Alex, you let this story get in. What is wrong with you?

[Mike Rainey]

It's like a fever dream.

[Alex]

I texted TJ Miller to get his stories in last Saturday because he tends to do it sort of last minute. And I bothered him about it all day today. And at about 7:20, he said, I'm in a cab. I'll give them to you when I get there. And when he got here, they all read the same way as this one did. And I pulled him aside and I said, you can't do that. And he said, but they're all true.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That is the only rule.

[Alex]

And the show was starting, so, like, what am I gonna do?

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's the only rule.

[Big J Okerson]

They have to be true stories.

[Louis J. Gomez]

True stories. So. All right.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. Alex, stop badgering our guests.

[Danny Polishuk]

When he got here, he's like, mike, I just want to congratulate you on San Francisco. And I. Yeah, I was like, yeah.

[Mike Rainey]

But you did you go, thank you.

[Danny Polishuk]

I did, Yeah. I figured it was for getting butt.

[Big J Okerson]

Alex Wer points it.

[Alex]

In last place with two points, TJ Miller. In fourth place with 10 points, Danny Polishuk.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Good showing. People are doing well this game. And one left.

[Alex]

In third place with 11 points, Mike Rainey. In second place with 13 points, Big J Okerson. And in the lead with 16 points, Louis J. Gomez.

[Big J Okerson]

J. I'll tell you right now. You're right. You're nipping at my heels right now. This. You could come from behind and get this victory. Jay's only won four Story wars games ever. No, you won four. Yeah. Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, they said three. And then someone else was like, I think there's four.

[Big J Okerson]

There's four. Yeah, somebody fucked up.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But anyone could win this.

[Big J Okerson]

This is genuinely. This is anyone's game genuinely. But. But, Jay, there's a real chance here. In a weird way, I'm rooting for you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Stop.

[Big J Okerson]

I want you to just win another one.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I want to defeat you.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm not gonna. I won't. Listen, I won't just give it to you. You have to take it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm gonna take it because when I win it, it's gonna be so sweet when I bring in the story of a Daniel after fleeing Nazi Germany, who arrives in Cuba along, scared and uncertain about his future. There he meets Paloma, a local Cuban girl with a generous heart. And David, a Russian immigrant, who with his own painful past. Through their friendship, Dana's gonna discover the strength to heal and the possibility of belonging in a land far from home. Tropical Secrets is a tender, beautifully written story about hope in the face of despair. Making that girl cry.

[Big J Okerson]

All right, guys, let me take a quick moment and talk to you about my brand new coffee company, Body Brain Coffee. This isn't just another coffee with a cool label. I built this from the ground up for myself and for other guys like me that needed something better. Better energy, better focus, and no crash. We blended premium freeze dried Colombian coffee with Tonga Ali ashwagandha, lion's mane, and L Theanine, four ingredients that support testosterone, reduce stress, and fire up your brain without making you feel cracked out. It's smoot, smooth, strong, and legitimately tastes better than 90 of the overpriced crap that you're probably drinking right now. We've tested and retested every version, and I drink it every single day. Pre sale starts Friday, May 16th. And if you jump in early, you're gonna get 20 off your first order. So go to bodybraincoffee.com Once again, that's bodybraincoffee.com. there's no promo code needed. Just order during the pre sale and you'll save 20%. All right, where were we? Alex, story number seven.

[Alex]

Story number seven. I traveled by cab from Arizona to Mexico for the sole purpose of eating Mexican hooker.

[Big J Okerson]

Look, this sounds like my origin story.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't know why I was gonna say it could also be Mike Rainey, but it's not.

[Big J Okerson]

I mean, me, you and Rainey are sort of the same scumbag.

[Danny Polishuk]

Yeah, no, cabbies were berated, so I don't think it's you, Louis.

[Mike Rainey]

Expensive of a cab is that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Depends where you're at in Arizona, I think. Right?

[Big J Okerson]

That is true. That's a great point. Does Arizona border Mexico? I have no idea.

[Mike Rainey]

I think so.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. So isn't that where Stanhope lives? So in case he has to dip out of the country? I think we want to say this is TJ Miller.

[Mike Rainey]

A little too coherent for TJ Story.

[Danny Polishuk]

Dan, I don't think it's you because I don't think you've ever been to Mexico.

[Mike Rainey]

I've been to Mexico.

[Danny Polishuk]

Really?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I have.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Danny Polishuk]

For what purpose?

[Mike Rainey]

Eating hooker pussy?

[Big J Okerson]

I think this is a Gaffigan joke.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Why Is Mexican hooker pussy always say the same as me, Cheese. Oh, what about Mexican hooker asshole? Oh, it's Wallace the asshole. Me, cheese, lettuce. It's all the same thing.

[Big J Okerson]

Why did he say the same thing? This guy has tb.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This guy's got the super.

[Mike Rainey]

Has to be one of you two.

[Big J Okerson]

Look, it does sound like Matt will.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Admit that, you know, then I just saw you, Lewis. I'm just. I'm coming to take this game, Jack.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, that. You're gonna say me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I am Jay.

[Big J Okerson]

I want you to win.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're not ruined for me to win.

[Big J Okerson]

I want you to win.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, you're not. I'm not gonna fall for your wiles again.

[Big J Okerson]

Randy, have you been with some prostitutes? I mean, you've been with your chick for 25 years, but you've probably, you know.

[Danny Polishuk]

Yes, I've been. Well, just washy, washy. I would go after Eagles games and.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, you got it. Sometimes you're feeling down.

[Danny Polishuk]

Yeah. Even after wins, though, Jay, you go in there, there's 50 guys wearing Eagles jerseys. It feels like guys.

[Big J Okerson]

Everyone's writing my name. It is not me you're about to give.

[Danny Polishuk]

You seem very decisive sexually. That's why I'm picking you for this.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm letting you know story, too.

[Mike Rainey]

He just gets scammed, Jay.

[Big J Okerson]

The fact he's a lover. Hold on, let me just say this. I know it's Jay. You're an idiot. You're an idiot. I know it's Jay, and I'll tell you why.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Why are you playing this charade? Everyone's in charade.

[Big J Okerson]

Was the name of the prostitute actually Sherrod Martinez? No. Because Jay would know this story. If it was me, you know, I would tell you that I took a fucking cab from Arizona to Mexico. I. I've been to Mexico a couple times in my life. Do you think I've ever traveled from Arizona to Mexico? You're an idiot. It has to be you. Could it be rainy? I don't think it's rainy. I don't think rainy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

My pothead memory is so, so short and terrible that I'm telling you. I believe you told me this story happened two weeks ago.

[Big J Okerson]

I think it's gonna be big. But would Big J eat Mexican hooker pussy?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Would I take a cab to Mexico? That's the thing.

[Big J Okerson]

If it was. If it was 15 minutes over the border. Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No.

[Big J Okerson]

Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You would think nuts, dude.

[Big J Okerson]

But not when you were not afraid.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'd be afraid to do that. I'd be like, what if I can't.

[Danny Polishuk]

Get back it's different from turning down a woman in Trinity, dad, because he's right there for that. He's traveling there for this. And it's like he's going to take what he's got.

[Big J Okerson]

Whatever. I mean, Jay, would he have his passport on him to go to Mexico? I don't think. I don't know if he'd go through.

[Mike Rainey]

You like to travel, though?

[Big J Okerson]

I love traveling. I love hooker.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And you love eating.

[Big J Okerson]

Danny, Danny, Danny. Could this be Danny?

[Mike Rainey]

Oh, this is not.

[Big J Okerson]

It's definitely. Listen to me. I swear to God it's not me. So I have to figure out who it is right now because I can't let Jay take this.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I was. If I were you, at this point, I'd write tj.

[Big J Okerson]

No, I don't think it's TJ could it be Danny? Was Danny a dirt ball? Danny could be a secret dirt ball. What was his.

[Mike Rainey]

Well, it wouldn't be much of a secret.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Also, it's a very Canadian friendly thing to do to go pay a prostitute to eat her.

[Alex]

Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I wish I would have thought better.

[TJ Miller]

That's good, eh?

[Big J Okerson]

What?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I may have.

[Big J Okerson]

What was Danny's other story?

[Mike Rainey]

The black girl.

[Big J Okerson]

The black.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's also a black back. I mean, this guy's a bottomless. A bottomless bit of surprises.

[Big J Okerson]

But I just don't feel like Danny's the same type of dirt ball that the other three of us are eating.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hooker. I know. It is a dirt ball move, but in the world, dirtball, that is the most vanilla. Like, oh, this guy.

[Big J Okerson]

That's vanilla.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, he wanted to go be like, nothing but like, oh, he wanted to go get some hooker and he just made her feel good and left.

[Mike Rainey]

Yeah, I don't think they make her feel good.

[Big J Okerson]

They want to be loved.

[Danny Polishuk]

I think you're a unique dirt ball. It's like out of the four of us, you look like you're into hookers, but you could also be caught in a kitchen with Chris Hansen.

[Big J Okerson]

Sure.

[Mike Rainey]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Danny Polishuk]

Yes.

[Big J Okerson]

What a compliment. Rainy. Do you not. You really not have a passport?

[Danny Polishuk]

I don't know.

[Big J Okerson]

I believe that.

[Danny Polishuk]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

So this is Big J or Danny. I'm going to go with my original instincts, which says Big J. I would. Jay bring his passport to Arizona. That's crazy. Why would you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

To go eat hooker?

[Big J Okerson]

Daniel, just do that in Arizon.

[Mike Rainey]

By the way, this is crazy. If we all said Lewis and you're taking this long and it is you.

[Big J Okerson]

That would be nuts. I would say, if it's me and I'm Just stretching the show out. I'm still hosting. Is it Danny or Jay? I. I just. I don't think Jay would travel to Mexico to eat hooker.

[Mike Rainey]

Try to get us to ch.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I wouldn't travel to Mexico at all.

[Big J Okerson]

But you would eat hooker pussy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes, but domestically.

[Mike Rainey]

Buy American maga right here.

[Big J Okerson]

You know what? I'm going to.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm going to go down there and start taking their jobs. Eating.

[Big J Okerson]

Process of elimination. I don't think it's rainy. I don't think it's big J. I'm going with an offer here, Danny. Paula. Chuck is my guess.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You might be right, Alex.

[Alex]

That story belongs to Mike Rain.

[Big J Okerson]

You son of a. He had a passport the whole time. No way. No way. That's insane. You had a passport this whole time?

[Danny Polishuk]

No.

[Big J Okerson]

You illegally travel to another country.

[Danny Polishuk]

Here's the deal. I was in the military, and I was in the marine reserves. And we had to do two weeks every year. And for this two weeks, we had to go to Yuma, Arizona. And as soon as you get there, they give you the rundown saying, look, whatever you do, you know, if. When you're not working, you can do what you want, but we advise you not to go to Mexico because you're going to get stuck scammed. So that night, as soon as everybody got a few in them, we got in a cab, and the guy's like, yeah, I could take you to Mexico. So they took us to Mexico, and immediately the scam starts. They make you change cabs like three or four times. But they do deliver on the prostitutes because we did tell him what we wanted. And I said, I just want to eat, man. And bless his heart, he place for that.

[Big J Okerson]

And we got white, we got black, we got yellow, we got bloody.

[Louis J. Gomez]

If you can find cheaper.

[Big J Okerson]

Eat it, eat it. I just watched that last night.

[Danny Polishuk]

So eventually, they bring you to a hotel and they wave you in. You get matched up with a girl, they put you in the room, and you're there for an hour. So I ate. I ended up an hour. No, I ate for a little bit, and then I ended up. And then I took a nap for the rest of the 15 minutes or whatever.

[Big J Okerson]

The whole Mexican experience, the whole enchilada.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, lazy, horny.

[Big J Okerson]

The whole enchilada is great.

[Danny Polishuk]

But then the scam starts all over again. Going back, you have to get into multiple cabs before they take you back to the base. And when it's all said and done, I think each cab was maybe like 40, 50, or 60 bucks. But they did give you what you wanted and I got to eat hooker.

[Rakuten Ad]

Wow.

[Big J Okerson]

And you just got a lot of points just now. Alex, we're a point.

[Mike Rainey]

How was it?

[Danny Polishuk]

It was great. I enjoyed it.

[TJ Miller]

Gross.

[Danny Polishuk]

Muy caliente.

[Big J Okerson]

Really gross.

[Alex]

On the scoreboard, in last place with two points, T.J. miller.

[Louis J. Gomez]

On the board, though, still on the board.

[Alex]

In fourth place with 10 points, Danny Palaceuk. In third place with 13 points, Big J Okerson. In second place with 16 points, Luis J. Gomez.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, what a shake up. What a shake up.

[Alex]

And now in the lead with 19 points.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Whoa.

[Alex]

Migraine is.

[Big J Okerson]

No, that's wrong. Hold on. He should have 17. He got two for each of us. TJ didn't vote.

[Alex]

Yeah, I've been counting that. TJ got zero points every time, and I've just been putting it toward whoever's score. We're acting as if TJ's here score wise.

[Danny Polishuk]

I'll tell you what, Alex, give TJ two of mine just so I'm still winning and TJ's got a few more points.

[Big J Okerson]

I mean, that's crazy, though. Now I'm three points further away from my goal of winning this game.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's being ripped away from us.

[Big J Okerson]

This is ridiculous.

[Mike Rainey]

Well, he still got some time. He still got one.

[Big J Okerson]

I mean, fine, I guess the game's not real. Whatever, Alex, go.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Listen, that's not the thing. The idea is that that's how the game works. And Mike was able to jump ahead thanks to one thing and one thing only. Double points.

[Danny Polishuk]

Thank you, baby.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Thank you.

[Big J Okerson]

They're handing out. They're handing out everyone's bills. S was like, yeah, double points.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Thank you, Roots. We have, by the way, I have such, like, dad left when I was young syndrome that every time the door opens, I'm going, tj. She's some stupid girl. Tj.

[Big J Okerson]

Alex, give us our final story.

[Alex]

Story number eight. When I was a kid, I had an old Indian lady babysitter. She would microwave bananas, put ketchup on them, and feed them to me. My parents found out and I never saw her again.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That is a Canadian delicacy. Microwave bananas. Never heard of that in my life. Absolutely. And Indians are all over Canada. They're lousy with them.

[Big J Okerson]

They're lousy with it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Canada's lousy with the old Indians.

[Mike Rainey]

Never had an Indian babysitter.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Dad.

[Danny Polishuk]

When she poured the ketchup through her fingers when she put it on the bananas.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, microwave my babysitter.

[Big J Okerson]

Maybe put my own ketchup on my own banana.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I was gonna say, by the way, microwave the banana. Sounds like she was blowing you. Do you want me to microwave your banana? It's not racist if it's dead on impression.

[Mike Rainey]

Pretty spot on. Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Your parents found out and never saw her again because you're uppity white Canadian parents don't understand other cultures. And they're hot. Banana ketchup, which.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, but hold on. Big J's doing a lot of talking right now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Indian babysitter. Not in a million years.

[Mike Rainey]

They don't have Indian people in Philly.

[Big J Okerson]

You also never been to Trinidad, you piece of. You liar.

[Louis J. Gomez]

By the way, vote for me. But you're giving it to your. Then you're giving.

[Mike Rainey]

He looks like he's maybe never eaten a banana.

[Big J Okerson]

I remember you saying. Saying on skanks at one point, you had an Indian babysitter.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, you don't.

[Big J Okerson]

Yes, I do. Yes, I do.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You did. You've never heard that. I've heard this, but I would play it more like I had an Indian babysitter when I was younger, but she wasn't in trouble for giving me ketchup and bananas. This is not a thing that happened to me. I've never had ever an old Indian lady babysitter in my life, let alone this story you claim you heard. Sorry. Sorry.

[Mike Rainey]

Just pull that out of his ass.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What?

[Big J Okerson]

I mean, I should even be saying this. I should just take the. The points myself. But I remember you specifically saying you had an Indian babysitter.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But that's crazy. You're having a real. A genuine false memory.

[Big J Okerson]

No, I'm not.

[Louis J. Gomez]

When this story. When we find out whoever this story is, and you go, jay. But that was. I'm still gonna say, I think this is terrible.

[Big J Okerson]

Big J acting right now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's life, dude. It's real.

[Mike Rainey]

I think it's Mike, but now.

[Danny Polishuk]

All right, here's the deal. It's not Lewis's parents because he didn't have parents to find out.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Can't say parents. If this is Lewis, then there was a finagling here.

[Danny Polishuk]

Jay said his dad left.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's Danny.

[Danny Polishuk]

Yeah, I'm going with Danny.

[Big J Okerson]

Jay's trying to get everyone to vote quickly.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Now, everyone take your time and vote. I never had an old Indian lady babysitter.

[Big J Okerson]

Sitter. I was just trying to get Rainey to choose Jay. I know it's Danny. Jay never had an Indian babysitter.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I said that one time on the show. You remember?

[Big J Okerson]

I was really just trying to convince Rainey to vote.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay, I know this story from Jay. I know it.

[Big J Okerson]

God damn it. It's not Jay. It's Danny, obviously.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, dude, if it's Lewis, I'm gonna break something.

[Alex]

Alex, that story belongs to Danny. Paul Jones.

[Danny Polishuk]

Yes, baby. What do you think your parents did to her?

[Big J Okerson]

Killed her.

[Mike Rainey]

Departed her, probably.

[Big J Okerson]

Danny, did you like the snack? Did you eat it?

[Mike Rainey]

I. I was really young, but when my parent. I don't even remember. But my parents found out.

[Big J Okerson]

They're just. How'd your parents find out?

[Mike Rainey]

Cuz I think she told them. She's like, I made them some microwave.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Why don't you want to just tell us that you tattle taled on this old age.

[Mike Rainey]

I didn't tell. I don't. I have no memory of this. My parents just tell me. They're like you were like four or something and she was making you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And my parents were like my kid. Ketchup, eh? You're supposed to put maple on your bananas.

[Mike Rainey]

There's these young white chicks for the.

[Big J Okerson]

Rest of my career.

[Danny Polishuk]

Was she microwaving that to cover up her smell, you think?

[Mike Rainey]

I don't know what was going on, but it's possible.

[Danny Polishuk]

Something definitely stinks in here. Definitely. Whatever was in the microwave, it might.

[Mike Rainey]

Be why I am the way I am.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Do you think Indian people smell like ketchup and bananas? Now catch. And bananas. That must be an Indian here.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, I already know who won, but. Alex, make it official. Go for the scores.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Motherfuck. Wow.

[Alex]

Okay. With the lowest score in the entire history of the show.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow. I thought I would have that.

[Alex]

In last place with two points, T.J. miller. In fourth place with 12 points, Danny Palchuck. In third place with 17 points, Big J. Okerson. Your winner tonight with 23 points, Mike Rainey.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Mike Rainey, you take home Tropical secrets. Holocaust refugee in Cuba by Margarita Engel. Believe it or not. It is a fiction. It is a work of fiction. Thank you so much, everyone. You're new with Story War. You now get the right to say the term the N word. Yes, you have also earned that right, but that's a different meeting.

[Danny Polishuk]

Double points.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Make sure, everybody.

[Big J Okerson]

Thank you guys so much for coming out tonight. You guys are a great audience. Thank you for supporting the New York Comedy Club.

[Danny Polishuk]

Wow, man.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Big round of applause for all of our guests. One more time for the late, great T.J. miller, Danny Polishuk. Your newest story warrior, Mike Rainey. I'm Big J. Okerson.

[Big J Okerson]

I am the Puerto Rican rattlesnake, Louis Shay Gomez.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We'll catch you next time on Story Wars. Good night.