044. Tony Hinchcliffe, David Lucas, & Valerie Vaughn | Family

Summary

Podcast Summary: Story Warz Episode 044 – Tony Hinchcliffe, David Lucas, & Valerie Vaughn | Family

Release Date: June 6, 2025
Location: The Stand Comedy Club, New York City
Hosts: Comedians Big Jay Oakerson & Luis J. Gomez
Guests: Tony Hinchcliffe, David Lucas, & Valerie Vaughn

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Introduction

In Episode 044 of Story Warz: A Game of Deceptive Storytelling, hosts Big Jay Oakerson and Luis J. Gomez welcome their guests Tony Hinchcliffe, David Lucas, and Valerie Vaughn to engage in a spirited game centered around the theme of Family. The episode, recorded live at The Stand Comedy Club in NYC, promises a blend of humor, wit, and playful deception as contestants share and guess personal family stories.

Game Explanation and Rules

At [06:02], Big Jay and Luis explain the premise of Story Warz: Each participant submits three to five stories related to the chosen subject—in this case, "Family." These stories are anonymously presented, and contestants must either convince others that a story is not theirs or identify the true owner of another's story. Points are awarded for successful deception (1 point) and correct guesses (2 points).

Notable Quote:

Luis J. Gomez ([06:02]): "Once you write the name on the dry erase board, put it in the little slot right here. Very high tech stuff we have."

Contestants Introductions

The hosts introduce the trio:

• David Lucas: Known for his YouTube special "Uncancelable."
• Valerie Vaughn: Recognized from "Kill Tony."
• Tony Hinchcliffe: Also from "Kill Tony," bringing a competitive edge to the game.

Notable Quote:

Tony Hinchcliffe ([03:32]): "I sold out two Bridgestone arenas here in Nashville."

Round 1: Initial Stories

Story 1 ([08:12])
Story: "When I was 10 years old, I ruined my family's trip to Disney World by crying and freaking out so much that we had to leave after only an hour."

• David and Luis suspect Tony due to his known anxious demeanor.
• The panel debates the authenticity, leading to the revelation that the story belongs to Tony Hinchcliffe.

Notable Quote:

Tony Hinchcliffe ([10:25]): "He was there. Was not what we were all expecting."

Round 2: Second Story Discussion

Story 2 ([18:05])
Story: "My sibling once took mushrooms and then got arrested for going to sleep in a tent inside of a Walmart."

• Valerie Vaughn deflects the story, creating confusion among contestants.
• Eventually, Valerie admits the story is true, revealing a darker, more serious family anecdote.

Notable Quote:

Valerie Vaughn ([32:47]): "I have one brother I used to get locked in the bathroom and do Bloody Marys."

Round 3: Third Story Analysis

Story 3 ([27:50])
Story: "I had an aunt named Cricket. She used to rob banks with a shotgun."

• Unexpected racial undertones emerge as contestants grapple with the name and actions.
• Valerie Vaughn confirms the story, adding depth to her character beyond comedic antics.

Notable Quote:

Valerie Vaughn ([32:53]): "This was my great aunt that my parents never let me meet. But she used to rob banks with her best friend."

Round 4: Fourth Story Challenge

Story 4 ([39:54])
Story: "I keep a family member's cremated remains in a shoe box."

• The tension heightens as contestants debate cultural practices and personal choices.
• David Lucas reveals the story pertains to his own family, sharing a heartfelt yet humorous revelation about his father's cremation.

Notable Quote:

David Lucas ([45:06]): "I cre. I cremated him. I put him in a Jordan 11 box."

Final Round: Last Story Revelation

Story 8 ([82:51])
Story: "I cleaned a bloody knife after my sibling's friend stabbed somebody at my house."

• The panel navigates sensitive topics, balancing humor with genuine emotion.
• Valerie Vaughn unveils the story, highlighting a traumatic yet pivotal family moment.

Notable Quote:

Valerie Vaughn ([87:57]): "I totally blocked that story out of my memory... I was scared of getting busted."

Conclusion and Winner Announcement

After intense rounds filled with laughter, introspection, and unexpected twists, Tony Hinchcliffe emerges victorious with a total of 19 points, earning him a signed copy of "Permanent Record" by Mary HK Choi.

Notable Quote:

Big J Okerson ([93:21]): "Congratulations to Tony Hinchcliffe for being our newest story warrior."

Highlights and Memorable Moments

• Humorous Banter: The dynamic between contestants, especially between Tony and Big J, adds a layer of entertainment beyond the game itself.

  Tony Hinchcliffe ([08:35]): "Tony just wrote N word on the..."

• Emotional Depth: Despite the comedy-centric format, heartfelt stories about family struggles and personal growth provide depth to the episode.

• Cultural Sensitivity: The episode touches on sensitive topics, such as racial terminology and family trauma, handled with a mix of humor and sincerity.

Closing Remarks

Episode 044 of Story Warz successfully blends comedy with personal storytelling, offering listeners both laughs and meaningful insights into the complexities of family dynamics. Tony Hinchcliffe's win not only showcases his storytelling prowess but also highlights the episode's engaging and multifaceted nature.

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For those interested in experiencing the full blend of humor and heartfelt narratives, Episode 044 of Story Warz is a must-listen on the GaS Digital Network.

Transcript

[Louis J. Gomez]

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[David Lucas]

You're listening to the gas Digital Network.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nashville Comedy Festival.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Come to Story Wars.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Give it up for the Story Warriors. Big Jerry Okerson and Lewis J. Goz. What is up, everybody? Welcome to Story Wars. We are your story Warriors. Big Jilkerson and Lewis. The Puerto Rican rattlesnake, Jay Gomez.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's right. That' right. Nate Bar. We're taking over your town.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

These people are animals, everyone.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Savages. We have no papers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We need papers for sure.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, they're going to give them to us.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, how many people here are familiar with the show Story Wars?

[Louis J. Gomez]

They all are, Joe. They all are. They all are. They would just randomly come to this little tiny portion of the comedy club for no reason at 10:00 clock at night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, you'd be surprised how many people are unfamiliar with Story Wars.

[Louis J. Gomez]

One of you guys, one in the back. Everyone spit on that guy right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's not an. He seems all right. You see you're getting ready to have a good time, everybody. Oh, thank you very much, Alex, everybody. The lovely Alex, our producer, our narrator and producer. We have an amazing panel of contestants tonight on Story Wars. Let's get it going and bring them out here right now, everybody. Our first contestant, you know him from his special on YouTube Uncancelable. Make some noise for the hilarious David Lucas. Or so we thought.

[Louis J. Gomez]

There he is. Yeah. Yes, sir. And our second contestant, you might know her from Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, clap it up for Valerie Vaughn. They're very slow on the left hand side of the room. I don't know what's happening over there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Claps. Just stop.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Valerie Vaughn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You knock her drink over honor.

[Louis J. Gomez]

There she is, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bob and a. I would say, what a piece of shit, but that was a fantastic whistle.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That was me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean. Oh, was it?

[Louis J. Gomez]

That was me. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do it again. That sounded better the first time. Valerie, thank you so much for joining us. Our third contestant, last but not least from the show, Kill Tony. Make some noise for the one and only Tony Hitchcliff. Everybody to it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I wish they were as excited to see us. Jesus Christ, you pieces of. They barely clapped when we came out here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We got to do this, dude. We should start doing this when we come out. Hey, everyone, welcome to Story Wars. Hose us down with your C of adoration.

[Big J Okerson]

A bunch of blow hanging out of my nose.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's all right, dude. Showbiz, man.

[Big J Okerson]

People get here. I'm glad you. Thank you guys so much for having me. You know, I filmed Netflix Kill Tony 12 years in the making. This week it comes out at midnight. I sold out two Bridgestone arenas here in Nashville. But, man, being at Story wars on a Sunday night in the closet connected to Zany's is the highlight, highlight of my week because this is what it's about. It's about the roots. It's about the grits and the gravy of comedy. It's not all about the big Netflix deals and arenas. It's. This is where it all starts, is in tiny cavernous rooms, just like we started Kill Tony in the belly room 12 years ago. So if you guys play your cards right, in 12 years, you can be successful.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'll be 60.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We're only expecting Jay to live for another eight years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You want me to make it to 60? Oh, my God. I gotta stop smoking. If you are unfamiliar with the game Story Wars, a quick explanation. Everybody on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one specific subject. Tonight's subject, Louis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Family.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Family. Alex. We'll read those stories out one at a time, in no particular order. It will appear here on the screen. If it's your story, you're the only person who knows that. It is your job to fool everybody else here to think it's not yours. If it is not your story, it's your job to figure out whose story it is.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And for every person you fool, you get one point. Every time you guess a story correctly, it is two points. Once you write the name on the dry erase board, put it in the little slot right here. Very high tech stuff we have. Then that is your final answer. You can't change it. And by the way, we're not just playing for fun. Jay, tell them what we're playing for today.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, boy. You're always playing at Story wars for a book from the Story wars library. And tonight it's a very special one. A signed copy of Permanent Record by Mary HK Choi. Permanent Record is a coming of age story about falling in love when you're still figuring yourself out. Pablo Rind is 20, deep in debt and working the night shift at a Brooklyn bodega. After dropping out of college, he's stuck, directionless and spiraling, until a chance encounter with a celebrity turns his world upside down.

[David Lucas]

Wow.

[Big J Okerson]

I really hope I win that fucking buck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You want that, dude? Permanent Record.

[Big J Okerson]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mary HK Choi. I'm guessing Asian.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Big J Okerson]

It's gotta. I gotta win. That is the only person on the stage that knows how to read.

[David Lucas]

My master taught me how to read.

[Big J Okerson]

You did? Did. Wow. Incredible. It's your first time enjoying Mary HK Choy or Bach choy because you don't eat vegetables, you fat.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes.

[Big J Okerson]

More jokes like that are in the barrel. Ready to go. A bok choy joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If anybody doesn't have any questions and we're all ready, I say, yeah, let's get to war. Thank you, Roots. Alex. Story number one.

[Alex]

Story number one. When I was 10 years old, I ruined my family's trip to Disney World by crying and freaking out so much that we had to leave after only an hour.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony, you're gonna draw it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Tony just wrote N word on the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So your early guess is David Lucas.

[David Lucas]

I know exactly whose story that is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, who do you think it is?

[David Lucas]

It's between the five of us.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, between all of us. It could be any one of us. I would say to this does have Tony Hinchcliffe energy. Crying and freaking out so much.

[David Lucas]

No, I know his mom. She's not leaving Disney World. She pay her money. That's real white girl right here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that's what I was thinking first too. This could be Valerie.

[Valerie Vaughn]

I've never been to Disney World.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I believe it. This is why. No. No women that get fake boobs ever went to Disney World as a child. It's a thing if you have the love of Your family, you don't need fake boobs.

[Big J Okerson]

It's true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were either. You were either not taken to Disney World by your father or taken to Disney World by your uncle.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I. I feel like this is Tony Hinchcliffe energy all over it.

[Big J Okerson]

I did. It was my first. I mean, I have been to. I was.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He is tongue twisted right now, folks.

[Big J Okerson]

I have been, by the way, a disclaimer. I hate it when comedians do this, but I am gonna give one. I have been day drinking all day with Kid Rock, so. So I'm in. I know I don't seem drunk, but.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Believe it or not, well, if you're going to day drink, that's. You got to do it with no doubt about it.

[Big J Okerson]

In Nashville, Tennessee. I just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You kid rocking an eagle. That's what I picture there. Literally bald eagle.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm. I swear to God, I was directly next to a eagle. In fact, I hung my towel, I went in the hot tub. At one point, I hung my towel on an American eagle. She was there. There's a giraffe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She was there. Was not what we were all expecting. She was there.

[David Lucas]

This could be Tony also, because at 10, he was battling a fucking gender issue and he probably started crying because he couldn't put on Snow White's dress.

[Big J Okerson]

You probably left after an hour at 10 years old at Disney World because you couldn't close the latch on any of the rides.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Otherwise, fuck you.

[Big J Okerson]

Fucking piece of shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

David, I don't know if that did happen to you, but I will tell you this is not my story, but I've had to walk off many a ride in my life and there's nothing worse than your girlfriend that can fit on the ride following you off. So everyone knows you're ruining her good time too. My eating has now caused no fun for both of us. Yeah, but I wasn't 10 when that happened.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I don't believe that. I don't think. I don't believe that black people get to go to Disney World in their childhood either. So it's not Valerie. It's not David. I don't think it was Jay either. I don't think Jay went to Disney World. I think it could be Val. I think it could be Tony. I didn't go to Disney until I was 19 years old. That was the first time I went to Disney World.

[David Lucas]

Grown ass Puerto Rican.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Puerto Rican.

[David Lucas]

Selling churros.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Got a job as Goofy.

[David Lucas]

It was Val. I don't give a what she say. That's. That's some white parent, bro. And I know Tony's mom and she's Italian.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We all know Tony's mom.

[Big J Okerson]

Yes. My 76 year old obese mother.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes.

[Big J Okerson]

You know her well, Louis.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I call her Mickey Moose.

[Big J Okerson]

Ooh, I call yours Dead Brenda.

[David Lucas]

You can't call her. She in Puerto Rico. She needs some toilet tissue right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I think, man. I'll start the vote.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Start the voting. Jay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My first instance, Valeries. That was my first instinct. I'm sticking with it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Val, is this not you?

[Valerie Vaughn]

I live right next to Disneyland, so why would I go to Disney World?

[Louis J. Gomez]

And where'd you grow up?

[Valerie Vaughn]

In Huntington Beach.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Huntington Beach?

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Nobody's going to Disney. Nobody's going to Florida to go to Disney. It's a great point.

[David Lucas]

No, shoot, that's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well then I'm with Lewis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm going with my first instinct. Tony Hinchcliffe. He's whiny. He looks like a 10 year old boy.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, I'm super whiny.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This is him right there. He cries, he freaks out. He's Tony Hinchcliffe.

[Big J Okerson]

I cry and freak out all the time. That's the secret to wild success. No doubt about it. At the Mountaintop, it's just all of us crying and freaking out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It must be so sad there.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. Well, this is an interesting conundrum for me because while I've sat mostly silent, I will say that it could be Val, but I'm also getting a suspension suspicious feeling from the other table over there. Now, I know it's not David Lucas because he doesn't cry and freak out at all. But I feel like one of you two may have had a little temper tantrum.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Lewis cried at Milo and Otis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Don't be an. I didn't cry at Milo notice. I cried while describing the plot of Milo notice to my friends while I was drunk.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm going.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think Big J is actually a pretty good answer as you wrote that. I'm going. This could easily be Jay. He was a whiny little of a kid. You've told me this before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was Alex.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All of our stories are in.

[Alex]

That story belongs to Big J.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Tony. By the way, Tony played this last week in Austin and Tony is very good at this.

[Big J Okerson]

And I got beef with fucking double points. Shit. By the way, that's some bullshit. I got up 8 to 1 against everybody last week and ended up fucking losing. Bullshit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. In the rare occasion that my father was kind of forced to take me with his. With his new wife and her kids to Disney World. We got there and because I had no Father figure. I was really girly. And one of my.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You have more of an ant figure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. One of my girly things was I was terrified of weather, which you do know that about me before. A bad weather scared the shit out of me.

[Big J Okerson]

Weather.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

I thought you said leather. I'm like, well, that turned out. Getting over that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not anymore. Weather, like, bad weather would scare the shit. I mean, Florida is like notoriously just constant, like. So when the skies would get out there, they get like black for a half hour.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. Looks like David Lucas on a hot air balloon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. But no teeth in sight. You know what I mean? Just David Lucas.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And it was terrifying skies. And I knew it was only going to. I didn't know this, but we know everyone else knew. It's going to last 30 minutes and then it'll be sunny again. But I had such a freak out panic attack that we were all gonna die in some fictitious end of the world storm that was coming. That eventually my father disappointed so much. I assume that we didn't speak much until I was in my 20s after that, but he. Yeah, we got on the fucking monorail and I remember everyone just being like, head shaky, like, what the fuck? But I was not gonna make it through the rest of that day. So I ruined Disney and in the turn drove my father away.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I side with your father.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, well, you can all side with the fact that I just had a pretty great round there, Bob.

[Louis J. Gomez]

God damn it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Worst record in the history.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This might be your game, Jay. This might be your game. Maybe this is why quickly pull out early. Alex, where are points at?

[Alex]

All right on the scoreboard with two points, Tony Hinchcliffe. And in the lead with three points, Big Jay Okerson.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, it feels sweet. Oh, it feels sweet.

[Big J Okerson]

Wow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, let's take a quick moment and thank Brunt Workwear for supporting today's show. These are amazing boots that feel like sneakers. They feel like they're. They're pillows or couch cushions on your feet. And they're designed to be super durable. You could wear them at work if you're working on a job site. Genuinely incredible products. A bunch of different styles. They have not only boots, but they have like, other apparel as well, but really great company. I wear my Brunt work boots all the time and I just wear them casually.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I got the. They sent me the Marin 6 inch soft toe ones, which I gotta be honest with you, I didn't think I was gonna like. And then I put them on. They look much better than I thought. And Also feel amazingly comfortable.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I got the toes. Waterproof safety toe. Which are incredible. They really. Dude, I'm telling you, they look cool. They feel great. If you guys have to go to work all day on a job site or if you're just working outside and you need to wear work boots. Just such a difference between a lot of these other steel toe options. I've had plenty of boots that are just kind of painful on my feet. These feel absolutely incredible. The comfortable sneakers that you have.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. And high quality, very high quality soft toe. Lewis has the safety toe. So they do have both options there. If you're working with some heavy stuff or if you're just trying to be casual with them. Comfortable, stylish. Check them out. They didn't just make a durable work boot. They reinvented comfort for the hardest workers out there. For a limited time, Story wars listeners get $10 off at Brunt by using Code Wars W A R Z at checkout. Just head over to bruntworkware.com and use code wars and you're all set. After you purchase, they're going to ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and let them know that Story wars sent you. Check them out. Bruntworkware.com promo code wars. All right, where were we?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, Story number two.

[Alex]

Story number two. My sibling once took mushrooms and then got arrested for going to sleep in a tent inside of a Walmart.

[David Lucas]

That's white. That's white.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's why the mushrooms don't make me think it's white.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That is some white. You're right.

[David Lucas]

Black people just started taking mushrooms in the last three years.

[Louis J. Gomez]

If it was my. If it was my siblings, it was my siblings smoked crack and then got beat up by a cop. I would think it was David Lucas, but yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Or Val.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Val. Are you an only child?

[Valerie Vaughn]

No, I have a brother.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Okay.

[David Lucas]

How old is your brother?

[Valerie Vaughn]

He's two years older than me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So he's like, what, 45?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You son of a.

[Big J Okerson]

Louis. You invite us here and then you fucking go, oh, look at you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's how he gets him.

[Big J Okerson]

Dude, Tony's a whiny. You've been begging me all day. You want me to show the crowd the text messages? Yeah, I'm gonna show you begging me to come. I will show you the text messages. There's Canadians at this festival 15 times.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Tony says, I'm coming, that I'm not coming. I'm coming. Sorry, I'm hanging out with Kid Rock right now. I can't answer you. I'm Coming. I'm not coming.

[Big J Okerson]

I thought we were sexting each other. I was spelling it C U M M I N G. That's how much I cap.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. I mean, just so you know, I was third hand living the whole drama. He was like, tony's coming. We're all good. And I was like, breathe easy. Show's gonna be great. He's like, tony hasn't answered and said nothing to me. In two hours, he's gone ghost.

[Big J Okerson]

I swear to God, one day when you're at Kid Rock's house for the first time and you're. And all this crazy, it's literally a White House replica. It is the most diabolical house anybody has ever seen in their lives. And one day you're gonna be there and you're gonna be like, oh, I. Now I know why he wasn't texting me back.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Now I get.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, about. In the Wild Turkey Lounge.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. About story wars on a Sunday in a black box. I went to the other, by the way. I went to actual Zany's. I walk into the green room. There's like, like five creepy liberal white open micrs looking back at me. I'm like, I think I'm in the wrong place. There's somewhere else that, that rare vibe of just like people like, there he is. That I've never.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Tony, are you, are you an only child now?

[Big J Okerson]

I have, I have a bunch.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, you have a brother. I've met your brother.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. Yeah, I have a ton of siblings.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Val's got an older brother. Huntington beach is a very mushroomy sort of environment.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

California.

[David Lucas]

How many, how many brothers and sisters you got?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I got one sister and she is a. A degenerate junkie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So she's not a generic junkie, but I don't see Janiece Gomez sleeping in a tent in a Walmart. Really?

[David Lucas]

How many siblings you got, big J?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

5.

[David Lucas]

So this could be you too.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't think so. All of Jay's siblings are like 10 years younger than him.

[David Lucas]

Did you grow up in?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh?

[David Lucas]

What city did you grow up in?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Philly.

[David Lucas]

So Walmart was like a big deal there, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I didn't know there was a Walmart was a thing when I was younger.

[Big J Okerson]

Walmart is their Gucci. Yeah, Philly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In Philly. You're probably right about that. But no, there was no, like, accessible Walmart.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Now can't listen again, for people that don't know, these are all randomly generated stories. So it could be Big J twice in a row very easily.

[David Lucas]

Val grew up rich I don't think her family went to Walmart.

[Big J Okerson]

I love that you say they're randomly generated, like you run them through a computer system or something. And it's not just synergy. One producer give us a random story minutes before the show started. They're trying to do their work at the last second. Ooh, are you generating. Cynthia, are you generating the show?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Tony submitted his stories 18 minutes ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, we give it to Alex, she.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Puts it through the Storator, and then the story Omatron.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And.

[Big J Okerson]

My phone fell in Kid Rock's hot tub at one point.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, dude, you should sue him.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Okay, I'm. I'm leaning Val on this or. She's being very quiet. She's being very coy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Valerie Vaughn]

This is something that my brother would do, but it's. It wasn't. It wasn't him.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Feel like she just admitted it in a weird way.

[Valerie Vaughn]

Well, listen, I know Tony's brother, and I could see him doing this.

[David Lucas]

Now you're deflecting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa.

[Big J Okerson]

That's Donnie. He would do that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I will say Walmart is actually a big deal in Ohio. Is it? Oh, yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

We were always more. I had Kmart. Did you guys have Kmart?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, sure.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no, for sure there was Kmart.

[Big J Okerson]

But, I mean, yeah, there was even Farm Wars. You guys have farmers?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, I've never heard of it. I'm thinking it's Tony or Val. Tony or Val?

[David Lucas]

Val deflected. She was like, this is something. Tony's.

[Big J Okerson]

By the way, I think I truly believe this is Val. Yeah, there's a.

[David Lucas]

There's a very nice Walmart in Huntington Beach.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think, Kent City.

[David Lucas]

They don't put.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But here's the thing. If we all vote Val and it's Tony, Tony's going to pull so far ahead of us right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not so far ahead of me, but they don't.

[David Lucas]

They don't. They don't put tents up in the hood.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Walmart in the hood.

[David Lucas]

No, there. I've never seen a tent fully put.

[Big J Okerson]

Up in a Walmart inside of a Walmart in a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In a hood. Walmart for sure. He's right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, but it's Walmart in the hood. They put everything behind glass. They lock it all down. So I don't know. Let me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I need a tent and deodorant and toothpaste and nail clippers and everything else.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Val, is this you?

[Valerie Vaughn]

It's really not me.

[Big J Okerson]

You think?

[Louis J. Gomez]

What?

[Big J Okerson]

Do you think she's gonna be honest?

[Valerie Vaughn]

Yeah, it's not me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Val, is it you?

[Valerie Vaughn]

I Promise.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She's smiling right now. She's getting nervous. Ah, I think it's Val. But if it's Tony, he's gonna us up right now. I'm so pissed.

[Big J Okerson]

It's. It's not me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm going, Val. God damn it. That was my first instinct. Never ignore your instincts, Gomez. Yeah, all of our answers are in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like when you talk it out to yourself. It's hot.

[Alex]

That story belongs to Tony Hits.

[David Lucas]

What?

[Valerie Vaughn]

I knew it was Donnie.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What did I say? What did I say?

[Big J Okerson]

The crazy fun fact, Val, is that it actually wasn't Donnie. It was Jeff. And we were. It was a July 4th lake house party, and it was. They took me there. You know, they're all much older than me, my older brothers, 12 years and 16 years older than me. And I was like. I don't know, I was like, whatever. Cool little age 14, 15 or whatever. So I was happy to be at a lake House on July 4th where there's fireworks. I'm not really drinking or anything like that. And the big thing was that these people whose house we were at were like, God, I can't remember. They owned, like, a baseball team or something crazy. And we really shouldn't have been there because we were like three trashy white trash brothers. And I'm like, man, I hope nobody does anything stupid. And my brother ate mushrooms and indeed just left the party. Got somehow into the city. This was, like, away from the lake house. And we got a call saying, hello, this is Sheriff so and so. We got your brother. We have your brother. And we're like, why do you have our brother? He's like. He was sleeping inside of a tent inside of a Walmart. And we knew for a fact that he had eaten, like, way too many mushrooms. Like, two, eight or whatever. The. Like, a lot of mushrooms throughout the night. And. And yeah, then we had to go pick his ass up from the jail hours later.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Damn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sleep. Did he end up having, like, a drug problem ever? There was just one dumb mushroom.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, his entire life. He ended up having a drug problem.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And lifelong major problem.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, pretty much. But this was during his sober period. And you know how those sober people do it with a good old mushroom trip. So it's not really a funny story. It's quite depressing now that I think about it. But I only had minutes to write my family stories.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'll tell you what's not depressing. The point you just got, buddy.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, yeah, But, Alex, let's look at.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

These scores, all right?

[Alex]

On the scoreboard with Two points, Valerie Vaughn. Oh, with three points, Big J Okerson. And in the lead with five points, Tony Hinchcliffe.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He can't miss. Can you almost stop blessing Tony Hinchcliffe with such great luck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did Tony not almost throw a perfect game in Austin?

[Louis J. Gomez]

It was great right up until the very end.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Close.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. Those I don't like double. I want to talk with you guys. Kind of crazy. It's like. It's like if the NFL was like, okay, for the last two minutes of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The game.

[Big J Okerson]

You could get a hundred points. Like, what the is the rest of the strategic game for that would.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That would make the last two minutes at the NFL awesome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That would really ju up.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What are you talking about? You know, great. That would be.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That would really throw things into high gear. For that last two minutes, you seemed.

[Louis J. Gomez]

A great idea that they should add to football.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jot that down, Alex, would you?

[Big J Okerson]

The NFL brought to you by GAS Digital. Have you ever wanted your games to be computer generated?

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, Alex. Story number three.

[Alex]

Story number three. I had an aunt named Cricket. She used to rob banks with a shotgun.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, I don't want to be racist here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But every element of this story is black.

[Big J Okerson]

Totally computer generated.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, this is going to be wonderful if it's val.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I didn't name Cricket how much. The blackest sentence anybody's ever written.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That could have been the whole story. I have an aunt named Cricket.

[Big J Okerson]

How much more black could this story be? It's like, yo, yo, yo, I had an aunt named Cricket. She used to rob banks with a shotgun. And all the bankers would be like, oh, hell no. And she was like, here, take this bag and fill it up. Ain't your mama just stole your money?

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's the only name that would have been blacker.

[Big J Okerson]

Only slightly blacker version of this story, bro.

[David Lucas]

I noticed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I thought rob Banks was somebody's name.

[Louis J. Gomez]

David Lucas, please just defend us here, because I. I mean, there's.

[David Lucas]

First of all, Cricket is a southern white name.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, stop it.

[David Lucas]

If you're from the south, you know, Cricket is for white people.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, moon crickets. It's a whole thing that people say.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Louis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What?

[David Lucas]

You are kind of right. Because Jimmy the Cricket was a nigga Alabama white.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Listen, this could be Lewis deflecting hard because Lewis comes from real trash Garbage himself.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Don't be that way, Jay. You also come from Trash Garbage.

[David Lucas]

But what does criminal translate to in Spanish?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Cricket.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cucaracha.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Now, that's always Cucaracha.

[David Lucas]

I know this shit sound like some shit my Auntie would do, but she ain't did this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your Aunt Cricket didn't do this.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's like, you know, I got an auntie named Cricket, but she didn't know rob no bank.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sure. Guilty as charged. On the.

[David Lucas]

I got an Auntie Cookie. I don't got an auntie.

[Big J Okerson]

Black ants and crickets both make noise in movie theaters, so.

[David Lucas]

And if I would have wrote this, it would have been a N T. Because that's Ant Cricket, not Aunt Cricket. That's white Aunt Cricket.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, Aunt's black.

[David Lucas]

No, it's not ant. Anti.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Auntie.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Auntie Cricket.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I don't know Auntie.

[David Lucas]

I've always heard black or auntie. We say auntie or auntie, not Aunt.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, there's. If this is. This is the craziest story ever. There's no way that's Belle doesn't have an Aunt Cricket.

[David Lucas]

What's your auntie's name? How many aunties you got?

[Valerie Vaughn]

I have Auntie Amber.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Valerie Vaughn]

I have my Aunt Lee, Aunt Sapphire.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are they all strippers?

[Valerie Vaughn]

I don't know. I have a lot.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Aunt Destiny, my Aunt Shaniqua.

[David Lucas]

Any of your aunts start with a C? No, because I'm just trying to see where Cricket would derive from. Like, why would you call her Aunt Cricket?

[Louis J. Gomez]

It.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, maybe she had, you know, a little. A little, like, flincher. What do you call it? A tick. Little cricket tip.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, she rubbed her legs together and had those inner thigh brown. You know what I mean?

[David Lucas]

Oh, yeah, that makes sense.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[David Lucas]

She make a lot of noise at night.

[Big J Okerson]

You got to lick it before you, Cricket.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. When a fat person wears corduroys, they sound like crickets.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just zipping down the street. I learned that lesson young.

[Big J Okerson]

Yep. Yep.

[David Lucas]

I feel like there's some redneck.

[Louis J. Gomez]

There's no rednecks up here either.

[David Lucas]

I feel like James from Philly. He can have, like.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's not a redneck. What are you talking about?

[Big J Okerson]

Feels black neck to me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. It was more that little Jew neck. Little black neck.

[David Lucas]

All my aunties are established women that have never been to jail.

[Big J Okerson]

What about your Uncle Charles?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Charles.

[David Lucas]

Charles.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You miss your Uncle Charles?

[David Lucas]

Oh, Charles.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. This is David.

[David Lucas]

This is not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Super fun conversation, everybody.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That was the shortest round we've ever done in the history of the show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We dragged it out a little bit. Honestly.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We made some jokes. Big J. That's a ridiculous answer, bro.

[David Lucas]

This is not. You about to be mad that a Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony says Val.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Tony. Tony says Val. Last second.

[Big J Okerson]

Yep. I don't know much about Val, but I know that you guys don't have real families at all. And I'm going about here just by process of elimination.

[David Lucas]

And Tony knows all my family.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I might have an aunt used to rob banks.

[David Lucas]

Please get answer. I can't wait to hear this, Alex.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All of our stories are in. I think Tony's right.

[Big J Okerson]

Yep, I'm right.

[Alex]

This story belongs to Valerie Fine.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What is happening right now?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's good.

[Valerie Vaughn]

He's really good.

[David Lucas]

I told you that wasn't me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

N bel, you have a black aunt.

[Valerie Vaughn]

This was my great aunt that my parents never let me meet. But she used to rob banks. She was a heroin addict and she would rob banks with her best friend. Her friend drove the VW Bug as the getaway car and she would go in with the shotgun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thelma and Cricket crime spree together.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh my God. That is fucking crazy. I'm sorry, David. We were all very racist just now. I'm really. I feel like we really. We really were out of pocket in a lot of ways, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I thought we.

[David Lucas]

I thought it was me from the beginning. Y' all read this shit. You like it gotta be black.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We were flat out killing. We were killing. Time to give this show a little stretch. Let it. Let's lay in each story I started laughing.

[David Lucas]

I'm like, this is not my aunt. I wish. I wish I had a gangster ass aunt like this.

[Big J Okerson]

Right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I want to just formally apologize to all the black people watching at home.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where's my camera?

[Louis J. Gomez]

To the two black people that are here in the audience. Thank you guys very much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm David's family. Who is here watching the show.

[Big J Okerson]

Those are the two black people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

His own crickets here.

[Big J Okerson]

Those are the two block.

[David Lucas]

My. My grandparents named all their sip. All their kids something that would be hireable.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, I love that, you guys. That's how many black friends Big J and Lewis has where it's like, oh, cricket's a black name. It's like, like, it's like it's Javante or something. Oh, Aunt Javante.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It just sounds like a. It sounds like a racist name that a white person would call a black person.

[Big J Okerson]

Exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I started comedy in the black circuit and I worked with a lot of Crickets.

[David Lucas]

There's actually a wing restaurant in Atlanta called JR Crickets. It's really good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice. Yeah, I'm there this weekend. I'll check it out.

[Big J Okerson]

Hell yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

David can tell you where every Wing restaurant in the country is.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[David Lucas]

Shut the fuck up with that dumb ass mustache. You look like Tyler Perry. Presents Puerto Rico. That's stupid.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You look like Tyler Perry.

[David Lucas]

That wasn't that good.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It was okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was pretty good. Because Lewis doesn't know what Tyler Perry looks like.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You all kind of look.

[David Lucas]

You know what Lewis actually looked like? He looked like one of them 1940s circus strongmans.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you notice his hat off, you know the.

[David Lucas]

That pick up the weights with the circles on the outside. Lewis, the strongest man in the world.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If Lewis. If Lewis wore one like one of those one strap singlets.

[David Lucas]

I feel like this is what white people thought Tarzan looked like 50 years ago.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You know what you look like? You look like Big J Shadow.

[David Lucas]

That was not good.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It wasn't that good. Fuck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've also lost substantial weight.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You have lost.

[David Lucas]

You fucking proud boy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That wasn't that good.

[Big J Okerson]

Welcome to another episode of that Wasn't that Good. With Lucas J. Gomez and David Lucas going back and forth, forth. It's unbelievable. Only at the room connected to zany.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The room connected to Zany.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I feel y' all should just.

[David Lucas]

Change the name of this show to a black show called that Ain't Me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn. Trademark that, Alex. Jot that down. We have to trademark that before a black person steals this show.

[David Lucas]

That Ain't Me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That Ain't Me is such a better name than Story Wars. Please, God. Next week it's gonna be on the BTC by the URL. Right now.

[David Lucas]

That Ain't Me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Val cleaned up. Tony pulled ahead even more. Alex, where are our points at?

[David Lucas]

Is Tony ahead?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, a lot now.

[Alex]

All right.

[David Lucas]

Normally he's behind.

[Big J Okerson]

Hey. Oh, you son of a. Son of a.

[David Lucas]

Right.

[Big J Okerson]

Wow.

[David Lucas]

What's the next story?

[Big J Okerson]

David's score is the exact same as his credit score, ladies and gentlemen. It's incredible.

[David Lucas]

My credit score is terrible. I'll be paying so much money for.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the scores, Alex?

[Alex]

With zero points each, Louis J. Gomez and David Lucas.

[Big J Okerson]

Wow. Hey, that. That one wasn't good either. That wasn't good.

[David Lucas]

That ain't that good.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Good. That ain't that good.

[Alex]

With three points, Big J. Okerson.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, showing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm showing.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're still in the game, bro.

[Alex]

With five points, Valerie Vaughn. And in the lead with seven points, Tony Hinchcliff.

[Big J Okerson]

America.

[David Lucas]

Is grace on thee.

[Big J Okerson]

Yes. Pour a drink on a lovely.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, die good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Were you guys not at Kid Rocks today?

[David Lucas]

From sea to shining sea.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm getting nervous. Tony's pulling far ahead right now, and I want this book. I don't know if you know this, but Liana Smart is an intentional pop star with Millions of followers and a carefully, carefully curated life. When she walks into Pablo store in the middle of the night, he doesn't expect her to talk to him. But she does. And their instant connection pulls him into a fast paced romance that blurs the line between fantasy and reality.

[Big J Okerson]

Buy my book. I marry HK Choi. I sign it and everything. Buy my book. It's so good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you've seen her interviews? I see. You guys might not know because you're racist, but that was a dead on impression of Mary HK Choi. Maybe the best in the business.

[Big J Okerson]

I sign it and everything.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know how. It's like he summons her.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, I'm gonna look up tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, real quick, let's take a minute to thank one of our amazing sponsors over here at Story wars. And that is Sheath underwear. Father's Day is coming up in a few weeks and if you're tired of getting the same old golf balls and a tie and a a shitty shirt he's gonna hate, try some brand new sheath underwear. It's the moisture wicking underwear that keeps all of your equipment cool. And most importantly and best part to me separated. My genitals don't get along, so I like to keep them in different things like betta fish and then they flare up. Sheath can be worn as boxer briefs or you can use the incredibly high tech sheath pouch to keep everything separated. They are super comfortable. As you said, moisture wicking. The materials are great. We've been using them for years. I wear them every day and you can tell they're the most comfortable pair of boxer briefs I've ever worn. So go right now and find out for [e-mail] and use the promo code DAD30.D, a D30. And you're going to get 30% off your next order. One more time. That's sheathunderwear.com promo code DAD30 for 30% off. Find out what all the hype's about. It Sheath underwear. All right, where were we?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, story number four.

[Big J Okerson]

Story number four, computer generated.

[Alex]

I keep a family member's cremated remains in a shoe box.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh my God.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This is also a very black sentence.

[David Lucas]

Y' all been fooled once already? No, don't start looking at me. Y' all thought I had an aunt. Creek, you can.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I tell you my first feeling on this? Lewis, don't be that way. I think it's Lewis.

[Big J Okerson]

The cap of my pen cannot come off fast enough.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We. Hold on. Don't just start voting, you psychos.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you doing?

[Big J Okerson]

You don't want to vote. Huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Talk it out. Talk it out.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I was raised Catholic. We don't cremate our family members. We bury them. That's just wasting.

[Big J Okerson]

You're wasting afford that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're wasting your votes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They jumped in quick.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They jumped in quick. You guys are idiots. All of you. It's too late to change your votes now. You've wasted your votes. We don't cremate any of our family members. They are all buried. Literally. Am I lying? My aunt, my grandma and soon to be my. Or. I'm sorry. My great. My great grandma, my mother and soon to be my aunt all in the same hole. I swear to God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

True. I had dinner with the aunt the other day. It's coming.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

They'Re all in this same.

[Louis J. Gomez]

On the same plot. And there's no headstone either.

[Big J Okerson]

What the.

[David Lucas]

What city is it in?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jesus.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Lewis, by the way. Lewis. Well, well. Down to the wire. Lie his ass off in this game even after you voted. He doesn't want me to also do it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Please vote for me. Idiot.

[David Lucas]

What city are they buried in?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't even know exactly.

[David Lucas]

Liar.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, I'm not. I swear to God.

[David Lucas]

How you don't know where your mind.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Visit my mother's grave.

[David Lucas]

You didn't go to the funeral.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I've never once.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, you do.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I swear to God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You told me you learned how to play tears.

[Louis J. Gomez]

In my dead mother's life. I never visited.

[David Lucas]

I don't know where she's buried.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I swear. My. My. May my mother burn in hell.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My name. If I saw you in heaven.

[Louis J. Gomez]

There's somewhere. Somewhere in Rockland County, New York, is my great grandmother Rose and my mother. They're in the same plot. My aunt. I'm gonna give my aunt a headstone on her own plot because she wants it. She's like, no, just bury me in that plot. Not happening.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Throw me in the hole.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Keep me in a shoebox in your house.

[Louis J. Gomez]

My father.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Louis J. Gomez]

My dog is in a shoebox in my house.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You keep talking this. You keep talking this out. Who do you think.

[David Lucas]

Why did you burn your dog?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't know. Give me a second here. I'm thinking it's probably David Lucas to me. What'd you say?

[David Lucas]

Why'd you burn your dog but not burn the dog?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Because you cremate the dog. You don't bury the dog. That's crazy.

[Valerie Vaughn]

Some people consider their dogs family members, not Lewis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That is true. That's a good point. But I wouldn't. That'd be crazy. No, Only A dumb white would think their dog is a family member, not me. No, no, I'm sorry. Not that you're. But that is a very dumb white mentality. No, that's not my family member. I don't think it's. Jay. I keep. I keep at this seems like a David Lucas thing or maybe a Tony Hinchcliffe thing.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, you're in for a special treat.

[David Lucas]

A very special treat, because it's your ass.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You. My mom's dead body. Break out his mom's dead body.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, bring that shoebox out.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're an idiot, Jay. You're wasting your. I'm letting you know.

[David Lucas]

You're deflecting so hard.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm going, David Lucas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

David Lucas.

[Louis J. Gomez]

David Lucas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That lets me know it's you. You're just whipping, bro.

[David Lucas]

You know, black people have funerals. We always have fish fries to bury our relatives.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They do, but black people, they don't cremate, do you?

[David Lucas]

No.

[Big J Okerson]

They have fish fries.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Man, you must have been to a lot of funerals.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

David used to be a funeral dj.

[David Lucas]

Wicked.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wicked.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I keep a family member's cremated remains in a shoe box.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Lewis is using his producer brain right now. He's like, that went too fast.

[David Lucas]

People burning.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They got to burn some time.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm not burning time. You guys all wasted your vote. You're. You guys are all fools.

[David Lucas]

You're a fool for putting your family in a shoebox.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who's a fool?

[Big J Okerson]

Yep.

[David Lucas]

Lewis, what kind of shoebox do you keep? Your shoebox?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is it vias? It's the shoe.

[David Lucas]

You know, one thing about black people, we always.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You would not waste a shoebox. You're right.

[David Lucas]

We don't waste a shoe box. I got all my shoebox boxes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's true. Is this Tony?

[David Lucas]

Exactly. You get it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right. Who do you guys think it is? It's not. I don't think it's Big J. I. I've been to Big J's house. There's no. It's not me. You. It's not me. Shut your face. I wouldn't be wasting this much time. I swear to God. It's not me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, you would.

[David Lucas]

Go ahead and vote, bruh.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm gonna go it. Tony's a. Tony's a weird one. I'm going. Tony Hinchcliffe. Come on. I need these points.

[Big J Okerson]

You will get nothing. You will get less than nothing on your own show. You will end up with zero.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, where are our points? I'm sorry. Whose story is it?

[Alex]

That story belongs to David Lucas.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I told you it was David Lucas. God damn it.

[David Lucas]

Yes, sir.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I told you guys, I'm more excited.

[Big J Okerson]

About you getting zero than me not getting it right.

[David Lucas]

I put my daddy in a Jordan box.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What year?

[David Lucas]

I cre. I cremated him. I put him in a Jordan 11 box.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice. That's what I just guessed.

[David Lucas]

He died and his ex wife didn't want to give up their insurance information. So they called me and I was like, this nigga was not in my life enough for me to pay for a funeral. And the funeral home told me that a cremation was 3,500 with the chapel rental. And I said, sign me up for that. We had a big picture of the nigga in his heyday, and the ashes was already delivered to my house. And my mom said, what you want to do with him? I said, put him in one of them shoeboxes and put that nigga in the garage with my favorite car so he can make sure don't nobody steal it. And that's the truth. He's in my garage right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

God damn it. You idiots.

[David Lucas]

You almost voted for me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I was right there. I changed it. Sony.

[David Lucas]

At the last minute, I said. Because I said black people don't wear shoeboxes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's true.

[David Lucas]

Which I was mad I had to waste the shoebox.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He was furious. I was mad for you, David. I gotta be honest with you now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Those 11, I almost put them in.

[Big J Okerson]

A Pringles can sometimes. David, to connect with his father. You can't tell he's wearing a jacket, but he dips his elbows in the ashes before he goes out sometimes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Explains it. That explains it.

[Big J Okerson]

Ashes on his black elbows. Oh, look, we lost here. There we go. You can't handle it. Can't handle it. Get out of the kitchen. There goes Aunt Cricket, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's either angry or she has to. She has remind her she. She has to go lotion her elbows. So go fuck.

[David Lucas]

That reminds me, how many points I got now?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Fuck me, Alex.

[Alex]

Where are points at with zero points?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Shut the up. You don't have to say it. You don't have to say the zeros. That could just be known.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You flew here for this.

[Alex]

With three points, in fourth place, Big J Okerson.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'll be honest with you. I come out of the Gates humming every week, and then I never score again. Almost weekly that happens. I'm like, here I go. I've arrived.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This is bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Don't shake your head no.

[David Lucas]

She has a great voice to deliver that answer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bad news.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you're right.

[Alex]

In Third place, with four points, David Lucas.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what it is?

[David Lucas]

That story was great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She doesn't like me or Lewis, so she loves telling us when things are going bad.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Fucked up Alex.

[Alex]

In second place with five points, Valerie Vaughn. And in the lead, lead with seven points, Tony Hinchcliffe.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Do you want a job? You want a job with Kill Tony? Why are you so happy? You're giving Tony the lead points. Do you hear the way she said that?

[Big J Okerson]

Right? It's exciting for her.

[Alex]

I love Tony.

[Big J Okerson]

It's excite. Hello, Alex.

[Alex]

Love you guys too.

[Big J Okerson]

You know what, Alex? Do you like arenas?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Lewis's biggest fear. Don't let them find out that producers can make a livable living.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, all right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We're at the halfway point.

[Big J Okerson]

I love this.

[Louis J. Gomez]

At this point, we. We do plugs, but you guys aren't allowed to plug on that side. I'm pissed. We get it. They're doing arenas. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think. No, you have a pretty big plug, Tony. Why don't you give it one more time?

[Big J Okerson]

We are on Netflix. Netflix. I mean, this is it right now. In a couple weeks, Tony. On Netflix. We also, of course, do it every week on YouTube. It is, if you think about it, it's an unprecedented deal. And. But I'd also. I have a new book that I'd like to plug and it's called Permanent Record. It's from Mary HK Choi. And the book is mine. It will be mine. I will have that book. It is my book and it's not for sale and it is signed.

[Valerie Vaughn]

Valerie, Just get in the car.com go to get in the car.com and get in the car podcast.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

[David Lucas]

Hell yeah, bro. We make our Netflix debut this year. I'm on tour. David lucascomedy.com Fuck with your boy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Sick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Big J bigjay comedy.com for all my dates all over the road. So look for a city near you. Big J Okerson Peter North American tour coming on a city near you. If you get it, you get it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And the first half of my double crowd work special. Them. They is out. Them is out right now. Part two. Oh, nice. So part two is out right now too. So both parts are everybody them and they both available right now on YouTube. Please like it, share it. All that and listen to the bonfire with me and Rob Robert Kelly, SiriusXM Faction Talk 103, and of course, the legendary Legion of Skanks, the flagship show of the Gas Digital Network.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Come see me on tour a bunch of cities in May. I got Houston, Fort Collins, I got Fort Myers. I'm going to Europe. I'm going to Amsterdam, Glasgow, Dublin, Manchester and London. That's all coming up just in May. Go to LewisOfSkangs.com to grab those tickets. Make sure you guys subscribe to gastisrael.com if you guys love the show. We do an an uncensored version of the show only available for guest digital subscribers. Plus, there's an on demand library that is thousands of episodes deep with Legion of skanks and all the other great shows on the network and a bunch of episodes of story wars that you can't get anywhere else. Gas digital.com use the promo code wars with a Z. Wars with a Z. And you guys can get yourself a discount on the membership. Thank you, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, we're gonna cremate you and put you in David's garage right next to the old man in a pair of chucks. Oh, listen, I know a lot of us, most of us probably feel like we're out of this game. You're feeling pretty low about yourself, Lewis. You particularly.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I feel like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You feel like. But you know better than anybody, you're not out of this game. You're not out of this game at all.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Not at all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Because for the final four stories.

[Big J Okerson]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I think it should be. How many you think it should be? The final two stories.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now, we've pulled people and the people have decided that for the final four stories, we thank you. Roots.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Roots. People love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Black Thought and the boys.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, we hire the Roots, but they don't. They can't play. They don't appear on camera.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That costs more. But they're over there every time. Questlove.

[Louis J. Gomez]

David's really looking. This is the world that he lives in. That. That could be a possibility.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. Nope. Don't look too hard. But that just means simply, whereas if you fooled somebody on your story before, you got one point, and if you guessed the correct story, you got two points. Now that goes to double points.

[Big J Okerson]

Now. Now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, Tony, it's anybody's game still. No.

[Big J Okerson]

I could.

[Louis J. Gomez]

In fact, I don't even care about the first half. Who gives a shit?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is what happened to you last time. Yes, you were kicking ass until double points.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You were even way. You were way further ahead last time. Tony hates double points.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We'll be right back after this commercial break.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Tony doing a little dog. Tony's a chihuahua.

[Big J Okerson]

If I was a Chihuahua, you know, who would want to eat Me, Mary, HK Choi.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. But I'll tell you what. In between puppy jerky, this girl's throwing down a nice book.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Alex, story number five.

[Alex]

Story number five. My grandfather was sent to jail for robbing a bank. He died months after getting paroled.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Dare I say probably? Val. It turns out David comes from fine, upstanding, fantastic African American people. And Valerie comes from a bunch of unscrupulous pieces of shit.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We have two bank robbers on the panel. Could be from the same family. Now, that would be impossible.

[Valerie Vaughn]

I wouldn't have done two of the same. The same thing like that. No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unless you had two amazing stories of criminal. Nope.

[David Lucas]

No, I know exactly who this is.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Who?

[David Lucas]

This is Tony. And you want me to tell you why?

[Louis J. Gomez]

He does have some, like, mob ties in his family, right?

[David Lucas]

Bro, his. Tony's daddy is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is a real garbage man.

[David Lucas]

No. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is. I. I know Tony enough. And Tony's car in high school was blacker than mine that drove like a Caprice or some. I drove a Honda.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, Tony, you've talked about your father or your family having mob ties, right?

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, yeah, but not anymore. But for a long time he got out. Yeah. It's it. It in. Yeah.

[David Lucas]

Tony grew up blacker than me, bro.

[Big J Okerson]

And the way things ended up, it's not like the. The 90s anymore. The way things ended up, it's hard to keep up, you know? A true mafia racket nowadays. The FBI really cracked down on it when it became glorified.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So everybody just went their own ways. Well, interesting.

[David Lucas]

Do you know about Youngstown?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He goes, well, dude, the heat's coming down, huh?

[David Lucas]

Do y' all know about Youngstown, Ohio? Yeah, it's like the halfway point between Detroit and New York. That's where, like, gangsters would go, set up houses.

[Big J Okerson]

And Chicago in New York and Cleveland and Pittsburgh.

[David Lucas]

So it's like the halfway point.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's halfway point between everywhere.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Midwest and the Main Freeway. Interstate 80, slash 70.

[David Lucas]

Youngstown is making a lot of rap songs, bro. This is definitely 1000%.

[Louis J. Gomez]

If it's Val again, I'm going to be so pissed because David's convincing me that it's Tony. I know it's not Big J for a fact.

[Big J Okerson]

How do you know that?

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's because I would have heard this story. There's no way Jay would hide something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like this unless I was ashamed. Until tonight. Sorry, Pop. Pop, the world's gotta know.

[Big J Okerson]

Did you have a grandfather, Louis? I know you didn't have a father.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I had two Grandfathers, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, but you know what he means.

[David Lucas]

My.

[Louis J. Gomez]

My father's father was, like, straight up Puerto Rican from Patterson, New Jersey.

[Big J Okerson]

Ew.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Never.

[David Lucas]

But it can also be Val. She's quiet as right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Val. Val hasn't said a goddamn thing.

[David Lucas]

Val is. When did your grandfather die?

[Valerie Vaughn]

Well, one of them died before I was born, and the other one died.

[Big J Okerson]

Months after getting paroled.

[Valerie Vaughn]

The other one died or left.

[David Lucas]

What kind of job did your grandfather have?

[Valerie Vaughn]

I don't know. He's the drug addict. And then my dad.

[Louis J. Gomez]

How did he get money for those drugs, Val?

[Valerie Vaughn]

Huh?

[Louis J. Gomez]

How did he get money for those drugs?

[Valerie Vaughn]

I don't. I don't know.

[Louis J. Gomez]

How's acting Strange as I want to believe this, I don't believe that Val would be enough to put in two bank robber stories. That's crazy.

[Valerie Vaughn]

I wouldn't.

[Big J Okerson]

There's no way she could be that retarded with tits like that.

[Valerie Vaughn]

Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No way.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But I feel like Tony's kind of deflecting it on Tavel right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. I mean, I'm so confident.

[David Lucas]

I've been knowing Tony for, like, seven years.

[Big J Okerson]

All right, geez. Why don't you just fucking tell him that I accidentally told you the story once or something? Jesus Christ, David. My God. Double boys. You guys start bringing up my genealogical line up here. The grandfather, there it is. There's his prison sentence.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, I think it has to be. It has to be Tony. First instinct.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He was a drug addict. My grandfather was a drug addict.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She said, well, no, you're gonna regret this, Jay. If it's Val and she pulls ahead of everybody right now, that would be hilarious.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm gonna go, Val.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay's going, val, I think this is.

[Big J Okerson]

A bad guess, but we caught you on the camera. It wasn't me, David.

[David Lucas]

Tony says, david, I did come from. You ever seen the movie American Gangster?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[David Lucas]

That's my great uncle.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What?

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Denzel Washington.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Frank.

[Big J Okerson]

Luke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Congratulations, dude. That explains your meteoric rise to success.

[David Lucas]

No, Frank Lucas. Frank Lucas. The story about the story. Denzel. Frank Lucas is my great uncle.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's crazy.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh. I mean, it is awesome, but it's not as awesome as Denzel Washington. That's. I kind of built my emotions around that. It was Denzel Washington. I thought I was one degree of Kevin Bacon from Denzel Washington.

[Big J Okerson]

I have a question, Louis. If. What's double. What do you get for double zero?

[Louis J. Gomez]

What are you. For double zero? You get two times zero is zero.

[Big J Okerson]

Alex, whose story was that? Come on, dude, I'm sorry. I'll let you guys.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You. Tony, I hate it when people do that on my show.

[Big J Okerson]

I didn't mean to do that. I hate it when people host it. You go ahead, Zero, boy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Two times zero.

[Big J Okerson]

Call for it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Two times zero is zero. But Alex, whose story was that?

[Big J Okerson]

You've heard of Zorro? You're zero. You need to wear like one of those gay masks. Can we get. Can someone take off? Can we. Sir, you look like Fat the fat man. Can you look like you're wearing black socks? Do you mind taking off one of your socks and making eye holes? And we can wrap it around Lewis's face and call him zero for the rest. Does that sound like fun?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, you're right, Tony. I did have zero points. Alex, whose story is that?

[Alex]

That story belongs to Louis J. Gomez.

[Big J Okerson]

You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And guess what that round is worth. Double points. Oh, no. So guess. Just guess who just took the lead, bitch. Guess who.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Guess. Guess. Guess. Guess.

[Big J Okerson]

Guess who just took the lead.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Computer generated.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You just never said this before.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, I never said it before. My mother's father. What's funny is I was gonna start stuttering because I said my father's father, and then everyone just moved on but my mother's father. I met him one time in his life. He was in jail my entire childhood because he robbed a bank. And then he got out visit us for Christmas one year. And he died like a month after that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, that was an awesome.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, he was a badass guy, man.

[Big J Okerson]

Spen most real ass dude.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

And this was the non Puerto Rican.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This is the non Puerto Rican. This is the white grandfather.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Big J Okerson]

Even the whites in your bloodline were weak.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yep.

[Big J Okerson]

Unbelievable.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And. And I have no idea where he's buried.

[Big J Okerson]

He's actually the ultimate. You in a shoebox.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, where are our points at? Oh, I love the sound of this double. It's. I do kind of have double zeros, like one zero on top of the other zero.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, my God.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Pretty sick dude.

[Alex]

On the scoreboard. In last place with three points, Big J. Okerson.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's. Dude, that's wild. At one point in this game, Lewis said, tonight's your night, dude.

[Alex]

In fourth place with four points, David Lucas. In third place with five points, Valerie Vaughn. In second place with seven points, Tony Hinchcliffe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What a shift.

[Alex]

With eight points, Louis J. Gomez.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Motherfuck.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, that felt so fucking good. Oh, I was out of it. Now I'm back in it. Wow, what a. What a roller coaster ride. This game Is.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, yeah, if the hill was at the end because it fucking double points. Okie dokie.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, guys, let's take a quick moment and thank yocratum.com for supporting today's show. We love Yo Kratom Home. Home of the 60 kilo. A kilo kratom. It's incredible. That's 1.1 pounds, Jay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

2.2.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, that's right. You. I forgot that we're doing double points.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Double pounds.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Double pounds.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Double pounds of Kratom, everybody. Double pounds. It looks like if you order a kilo kilo of Kratom, you're going to get double pounds.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Double pounds.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, Roots.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, look, if you're in the market for Kratom, you got to get it from your creative. The market sponsors for everything here at Gas Digital and for Skank Fest, longtime supporters of all the shows that we do. So if you're in the market already, support the company that supports us. Yo, kratom.com. all right, where were we? Alex, story number six.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Am I in last place?

[Alex]

Story number six.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I started off so good.

[Alex]

My sibling and I lived in a broken Winnebago. We would push it from one side of the street to the other for street cleaning.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, Big. Why don't you just sign it Big J Oker.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's crazy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Sincerely, Big J. O sure this is not. Jay's never lit too late.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He didn't take his finger off you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He did. He took his finger off it. You can't change it once your fingers out. That's a crazy vote. Jay lived. All of his siblings are younger than him. This is.

[Big J Okerson]

You guys don't know as much about each other as you think. He didn't think that you had.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Grandfather Lewis knows I wouldn't live in a broken Winnebago.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He wouldn't live in a broken Winnebago. And also his siblings are a decade younger than him. He lived with a child in a Winnebago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm too prissy to live in a Winnebago.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Look at his nails. You think he's living in a Winnebago?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a. That's a powder gel I got at Gulch Nails today. I got powder because the gels I think were starting Val, you understand? I think they're making my nails weak.

[David Lucas]

So this could be Val.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I did a dip.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think this is Val.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, now that I.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This is some Huntington Bee beach. We were beach kids.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I agree.

[Valerie Vaughn]

Yeah, My family is pretty white trash, but not. Not like that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, No, I don't believe you, Val. This seems like a. Like a Val origin story.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is.

[Valerie Vaughn]

No, I think it's one of you two, maybe.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, I never.

[David Lucas]

Bedrooms. Did your childhood at home have Lewis?

[Valerie Vaughn]

I actually lived in a pretty nice house in Newport.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But that's also.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let me tell you something, Square feet.

[Valerie Vaughn]

Oh, I don't know. It was a big house.

[David Lucas]

At what age did y' all move there?

[Valerie Vaughn]

We moved there when I was 7 and we moved out when I was 17.

[Big J Okerson]

You've totally convinced me. That totally sounds believable, Val. There you go.

[David Lucas]

Why'd y' all move out at 17?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Because she got this cool new Winnebago. Sick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shouldn't wait to show everybody your dope ass Winnebago.

[David Lucas]

Big J and Lewis could be conspiring to throw us off.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Listen, by the way, we have such. We have massive story wars. Integrity. We would never do that. Matt and Shane did it on the show last week. And I will. I will never be actually friends with them again. Because.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If it's not you, you're wasting it, Val.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She's wasting her vote.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Broken Winnebago. I would never live in a broken valor. J and Lewis and his sibling have a hard time living in the same neighborhood, let alone a broken Winnebago.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Together can never happen. It's definitely Val. It's. It's a Huntington beach love story. Her and her brother.

[Big J Okerson]

No doubt about it. Totally, Val.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All of our stories are in Alex.

[Alex]

Wow, you guys. That story belongs to Tony Hinchcrow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why am I so aggressively bad at the game that I am a coach. Co founder of?

[David Lucas]

That's crazy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He pulled so far. Hedges now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And Tony.

[David Lucas]

Oh, the Trump dance.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony. And I want you to. I want you to give due respect right now because I want to let you know whatever this score is about to break up, his buddy Hearts with is brought to you solely by Double points.

[Big J Okerson]

You know what? I love double points. We love double points. Always have good system. Perfect time for it to happen. So I guess I should explain myself because it is kind of wackadoodle. I moved to Los Angeles immediately after high school. And. Well, there was a few months in Columbus, but then I went to la. And my super cool hippie brother that we all know and love, Donnie, did indeed live in a fully operational. Awesome. Like a 19. I think it was like 68. Donnie, are you here? Is Donnie here?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's in the Winnebago, bro.

[Big J Okerson]

He is here. There he is. What year was that? Winnebago. What year was that?

[David Lucas]

22 years ago.

[Big J Okerson]

No, but I mean, what was the. What was the. It was a 72. Okay. All right. And. And indeed we had it. He had a whole setup. He was in the driveway of a really nice house with. There was like. It was like three bedrooms. And we had. There was. So there were three people living in the house. And we paid minimal rent. He was already there. So I pitched in too. And we had this awesome SRV that was plugged into the thing. And we didn't have to like run the water or anything because we had a little side door that was. It was just a perfect LA setup. It's a great way to be 18 or 19 in LA. And we lived a hippie ass lifestyle, smoking blunts from the time we woke up all day long. One day we had. We decided to throw a party up in Malibu.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And you guys ended up white lotusing each other.

[Big J Okerson]

It's like a company party. We were just going to the beach. We were going to camp in Malibu. And we had only at a paper. Paper map. We didn't have like smartphones at the time. And we thought we found.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where do you guys get in this situation?

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, anytime. Anytime we wanted. Because we're built like. And we have these faces. It's. It's different. You can't. You can never fathom Jay. Anyway, but we didn't. We had.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We'll just. You in a Winnebago while your brother's there. Hey, I can't finish unless my brother watches.

[Big J Okerson]

I mean, yeah, was. It was a wild. It was like tour bus life. But anyway, we. One more time for Donnie Hinchcliffe, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anyway, man, he was 80% proud of you and 20% resentful.

[Big J Okerson]

Donnie, did you hear me tell the story about Jeff at the Walmart? Yep. Okay, perfect.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Donnie's trying to do cocaine in the back. Leave him alone, Tony.

[Big J Okerson]

Living that life. But what's amazing is that we thought we found a shortcut because we had a paper map and we had a fucking 72 Winnebago that we barely ever drove. But we're like, let's go. We're taking our home to the beach. It's gonna be awesome. And the shortcut, it turned out we didn't read the map properly because it was over the Santa Monica mountains, over like tens of thousands of feet in the sky. And we completely blew out the engine, the brakes, everything. I mean, we broke. We found a way to break everything about this vehicle. And so, yeah, eventually it didn't work out in the driveway because the owner of the house or whatever is like, you guys gotta. You can't just park up, whatever. It was like 26, 28 foot RV, so we ended up pushing it out to the street. And when you have a broken rv, there's street cleaning every week.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Did you tell your brother Jeff this story and that's why he fell asleep in that tent?

[Big J Okerson]

Yes, yes. But you have to picture me and that guy literally every Tuesday having to push this, I mean, massive RV to the other side of the street. And then the next day, Wednesday's street cleaning on that side. So you'd have to push it back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

To the other side.

[Big J Okerson]

Just the trashiest you can imagine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just an in neutral Winnebago. Yes, it sounds dangerous.

[Big J Okerson]

As now you're picturing it unbelievably, ridiculously.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The ladder on the back.

[Big J Okerson]

I. Yep, yep. Crazy sometimes. Yeah. It's just insane. And now you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, holy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Look, it's still anybody's game, but Tony pulled very hard. Is it anyone's game except for it's probably not Jay's game?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God fucking damn it. I'm always out by slightly after halftime.

[Big J Okerson]

Can I just do the first part? Can I just say, in last place, with three points, Big J Okerson.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

None of us. None of us know anything else except that our points.

[Alex]

That is correct. In last place.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Everyone knew was correct. I scored three immediately.

[Big J Okerson]

Do I get more points? Do I get more points for being correct about that?

[Alex]

In fourth place, with four points, David Lucas. In third place, with five points, Valerie Vaughn. In second place with eight points, Louis J. Gomez.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, that's a lot, Lewis. That's really good.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's not over yet.

[Alex]

Tony Hanschland lead with 15 points, Tony Hinchcliff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Lewis. Lewis, you're our only hope. Please do not let Mary HK Choice sign copy of Permanent Record out of our lives.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm going.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you understand? As Pablo is swept into Leanne's glamorous orbit, he's forced to confront the parts of himself he's been avoiding with crackling dialogue, smart humor, and heartfelt vulnerability. Permanent Record is perfect for anyone who's ever felt like they're falling behind in a world that never stops moving.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Look, I've read the book twice. I love the book. I don't want to let it go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Keep it here, please. It's got your cum stuff stains all through it. You can't stop finishing this book. Something about Choi's writing style has always finished you. Hey, let's take a minute and thank our sponsor for today's show and that is Ridge Wallet. You've seen the advertisements online. You've heard us talking about Ridge wallet for years. You're tired of having that big, messy, sloppy leather wallet with all your falling out of it in your pockets. Ridge wallet is the slim lined 12 card holding aluminum and carbon fiber wallet that fits right in your front pocket. Super sleek. Holds a bunch of cards, RFID blocking, tech, everything that makes a wallet great these days, plus more. They're actually amazing. They have an airtag wallet where you can put the air tag attachment so you never lose it at all. It's pretty amazing. And right now for father's day, Ridge is going to have a huge sale for you that's up to 40 off. Go to ridge.com wars with a z w a r z to grab the perfect gift for your dad or yourself. Go to ridge.com wars with a Z W a R Z and get that perfect gift for dad right now. Ridge.com warswithaz and make sure you tell them story. War sent you to the show. That helps us out and you get to give dad the upgrade he so much deserves. Ridge Wallet wars with a Z. All right, where were we?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, Story number seven.

[Alex]

Story number seven. My friends and I used to lock my sibling in a closet until they said the N word.

[David Lucas]

I'm out. I'm out. I'm out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not necessarily.

[David Lucas]

What do you mean? I'm out. We can say it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They can say it. It would be a crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It would be a weird. Yeah, I guess. But.

[David Lucas]

That'S some rich Orange County.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Look, I've been doing a podcast with Big J for I guess, 13 or 14 years. And this is your humor.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My humor.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Your humor. I can see you doing this to your little brother. I can see you doing this with little Bobby.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bobby would be funny to say. That is funny.

[David Lucas]

I don't know, but Orange county is kind of like the south. They kind of like big truck redneck energy in Orange County. But I feel. Where'd you grow up, Big J?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Philly. But I don't also think. But I feel like I don't think a white girl would tell this story.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, it doesn't seem like this. Seems like most other people except for Big J or Tony would be embarrassed to have this story.

[David Lucas]

But you're half white, Lewis, and proud of it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's only proud of that part.

[David Lucas]

I feel like the N word. Did you grow. Was your. Who'd you grow with, your mom or your dad?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I grew up with my mom. My dad was murdered when I was.

[David Lucas]

4 years old and Your mom is Puerto Rican?

[Louis J. Gomez]

My mom was white.

[David Lucas]

Oh, white. So, yeah, N word would be taboo.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I was called the N word by the rest of my family.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh.

[David Lucas]

How many siblings you got? I got.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, I got. I got.

[David Lucas]

Got stuttering. You said that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I got one full sister, and then I got a half brother and a half sister.

[David Lucas]

They grew up in the house with you?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Just the sister Lewis is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Lewis has a sister, and she's older. She's older than you, right?

[Louis J. Gomez]

She's older than me, yeah.

[David Lucas]

So this was sibling, siblings, singular.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. I wouldn't have.

[David Lucas]

I mean, sibling.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We had no problem saying the N word in my household. We have to lock in a closet. That was like, it's not only accepted, it's accepted, Encouraged.

[Big J Okerson]

Yes. You know, no one knows more about being in a closet than me. And while, of course, I know this isn't my story, I, using my pure instincts, know exactly whose story it is. And that story belongs to Big J. Wow.

[David Lucas]

Wow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Very slick. I have a feeling that Tony's right right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was gonna vote for Val because Tony did. It ended up being me. I can't vote for me.

[David Lucas]

Lewis J. Grew up with one sister in the house, which is sibling, singular.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[David Lucas]

Big J, how many siblings did you have eventually?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

3.

[David Lucas]

Age range?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was 11 years older than my brother, 15 years older than my sister, and 19 years older than my other sister.

[David Lucas]

So that was not your house.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't like him being a detective right now.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Sherlock homeboy, huh?

[Valerie Vaughn]

You could have more than one sibling, and you only locked that one in the closet.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[David Lucas]

No, but siblings is singular.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, it would still be a specific sibling to everybody.

[David Lucas]

All right, so you had how many?

[Valerie Vaughn]

I have one brother I used to get locked in the bathroom. Thank you. My cousins would lock me in the bathroom and do bloody marriage toit.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I like it.

[Valerie Vaughn]

Bloody Mary. But never, never that.

[David Lucas]

Tony's Italian. They damn near get a pass. Puerto Ricans down there get a pass.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Lewis, Big Jay just whizzed me. He was like, dude, don't waste your vote on me. It's a waste of a vote. We're gonna lose it. Jay doesn't want to lose by that.

[David Lucas]

I can throw a curveball into the mix.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Please.

[David Lucas]

My grandmother's white.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Whoa, your grandmother's white?

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Valerie Vaughn]

Maybe you have white cousins or something.

[Big J Okerson]

Or a white.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But you didn't lock your grandmother in the closet, so she said the N word.

[Big J Okerson]

David.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That'd be great.

[David Lucas]

Okay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't do it.

[David Lucas]

Some of my relatives don't fuck with that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Word. Fine. I'm scared. You got me.

[David Lucas]

I think I chose right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's Val or Big J. But I feel like. Would Val.

[Valerie Vaughn]

I would never.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Would Val say this story. I could see Big J doing this with his little brother Bobby, with his friends. Philly trash. These kids were fucking animals. There's black people everywhere. He was afraid.

[David Lucas]

If you grew up white in Philly, you got the N word. Pass. I feel like you did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It wasn't that big. I will say it wasn't that big of a deal.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, but it's just a funny thing to do to your little brother. It's hilarious. It's objectively hilarious. Guys do this tonight. If you're out there and you have a small child that you could lock into a closet and have them say that the N word to get out.

[David Lucas]

Come on, put your.

[Big J Okerson]

Put your. It's old Steph Curry.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think I'm gonna go with Big J. O. God damn it, J.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn.

[Big J Okerson]

Steph Curry. Big Steph Curry. Okerson, the three point king.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Alex, let's find out.

[Alex]

That story belongs to Big J. O.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You son of a. You were trying to fool me right at the end. You don't wanna keep my book.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Off mic. Let's fucking go. Off mic. I tried to convince Lewis it wasn't me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Was it Little Bobby?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Of course.

[David Lucas]

Me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And by the way, this is what the 90s were so great. My assorted mix of white and black friends. We thought it was the funniest thing when my brother was like, really little. We'd put him in a closet until he would say the N word. And then we would all laugh together in. In. In racial harmony at how funny that was at a little boy saying the N word. And then we would all do whatever we did as friends. No one really overthought it, except it was funny to hear a little boy say the N word.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Would he cry?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Him crying. The N word rules.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We go. Just say the N word and you can get out.

[David Lucas]

Oh, that was crazy.

[Big J Okerson]

What would be really funny is if you locked him in the closet and then said say the N word and then let him out and open the door and there's just a bunch of black guys.

[David Lucas]

That is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was genuinely funny. He had to walk out and face everybody. I didn't mean you guys.

[Big J Okerson]

Can I get back in the closet?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. One of those black guys. Name is Mooneer, Mooneir and Armani. What two black dudes have waiting for you after you just said the N word?

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, someone call Aunt Cricket.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mouneer definitely had an Aunt Cricket.

[David Lucas]

I gotta hear this age story.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, we got. What's the points.

[Big J Okerson]

Points there, Big J, you're in double point territory. I think you're out of last place.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nope.

[Alex]

In last place with four points, David Lucas.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Small victories. This is how I felt in CrossFit. I just didn't want to be last. I just didn't want to be last because they all have to sit there and cheer for you until you're done. It's insane.

[Alex]

In fourth place with five points, Big J O. In third place with nine points, Valerie Vaughn. In second place with 12 points, Louis J. Gomez. And in the lead with 19 points, Tony Hinchcliffe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, man. Dude, that is a perfect rendition of your dick, dude.

[Big J Okerson]

Very crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your sack is always tight and your head starts the same exact plane as your shaft. You are circumcised, but still the skin perfectly stops at the bottom of the head. And then the helmet begins, not at that rough part, like the outside of a quarter you see on most dicks. Damn. The Golden Pony, everybody.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm sorry, dude. I'm just feeling good.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You. You're so happy. Jay's already given up. He's just happy that he's not in last place.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dude, I'm in crosser right now. Come on, David. You got this, man. Don't give up.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Off microphone. He whispered to me. He's like, dude, don't do it. We can't lose this book. That was crazy. Dude, you're a piece of some playing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm playing the game. Sorry, dude. I'm a baller.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, we're on our final story. Story number eight.

[Alex]

Story number eight. I cleaned a bloody knife after my sibling's friend stabbed somebody at my house.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. What? All right, this definitely. Can I tell you guys, let me just make it easy for everybody. This isn't me or Lewis. I mean, if this is Lewis, dude, then you've been pulling a shit sham on me your whole life. This would be major.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, my sister's only friends with gay guys, so if she cleaned their bloody dick, I would believe it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But, yeah, and if you clean that knife, you might have aids.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, this seems like a Val type story. This like a woman would clean a bloody knife after a friend stabbing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Valerie Vaughn]

That's too gnarly. I couldn't do something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I agree. That's too gnarly.

[Valerie Vaughn]

That's pretty heavy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, but like, gnarly like how people in California say it's like, gnarly?

[Valerie Vaughn]

No, not in a cool way. It's like gnarly. It's. That's too heavy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, David. I see we're getting ready to write. Explain, please. White bitch.

[David Lucas]

Shit.

[Big J Okerson]

This bitch over here.

[David Lucas]

I feel like that's very white. Because black people don't like blood.

[Big J Okerson]

Ah. Black people don't feel they like Crips.

[David Lucas]

As I have on a blue shirt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We know where we're at, but that.

[David Lucas]

Is very black to hide the evidence like that didn't get stabbed in here. You know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Also, Tony, he's actually wearing a Crips shirt as you made that joke, by the way.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, my goodness. Yeah. I mean, well, I will say Valerie looks like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You ever see the movie Bully? Valerie looks like someone who was involved in a lot of teenage crimes, like cleaning knives for dudes that she liked, bad boys that she thought were going to be good guys.

[David Lucas]

What spot did the person get stabbed did?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't know. It's not my story.

[David Lucas]

What part? What spot?

[Valerie Vaughn]

I don't know.

[David Lucas]

But if somebody were to have a bloody knife, where do you feel like the spot would be, Val?

[Valerie Vaughn]

I mean, the stomach, maybe.

[David Lucas]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony's very close with his siblings, too. He might. Look, one's a hippie, but you got several siblings. One might be a homicidal maniac.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, it's a sibling's friend. So this could just be. People always have an oddball friend out there. Right? So this isn't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And hippies hang out with anybody who has drugs.

[Big J Okerson]

That's true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Music. Oh, man. I stabbed somebody in my house.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Now this seems like a female sort of activity.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cleaning up blood knives. You're taking the blood out of it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Any kitchenware? Just any sort of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just the. Just the instinct to want to make flatware clean again.

[Big J Okerson]

I bet she made a delicious sandwich.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Spreading the mayo on with a form.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Clean a bunny knife. And I put in a nice brie and crackers for everybody.

[David Lucas]

My two hunches are Tony and. And Val.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, Tony cleaning a bloody knife is. That seems like it would affect you, but maybe not a woman so much because, you know, you just gotta hold down your motherfucking, man. I'm prone to go with you, David, and say Val.

[Valerie Vaughn]

Yeah, I'm gonna go, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a quick deflection.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. I feel like she got nervous. She freaked out right away. She said, I'm gonna go, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She spazzed out, as she always does. Classic Val skits it out like a Orange County.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Huntington beach is a bad area, too. Here we Go.

[David Lucas]

No, it's not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I thought. It's a nice area.

[David Lucas]

Very nice.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The Huntington beach bad boy, Tito Ortiz, I think he's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, but he was the most bad boy.

[Valerie Vaughn]

There's bad boys in Newport. Newport's not like a little better than Huntington.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's a little better than Huntington. Huntington's danger.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where's Christine? She's my California expert.

[Valerie Vaughn]

Yeah, some stuff in Huntington.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She left bored.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, there's only one person that it could be. And that person is without a doubt, David Lucas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, shit.

[David Lucas]

Nigga, I ain't touching no knife. Not no blood in there.

[Big J Okerson]

All right, well, maybe I'm wrong on this one then.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes. All right, I think it's Val. I'm seeing her face right now too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All the answers are in Alex.

[Alex]

That story belongs to Valerie Vaughn.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. Fuck.

[David Lucas]

Somehow I'm still in last place. Cuz, we all got this right now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What happened here? You.

[Valerie Vaughn]

Well, I totally blocked that story out of my memory. And then today I called my dad and I'm like, what's some crazy family stories? And he goes, what about the time you clean the knife after somebody stabbed somebody? And I was like that. I was like, I wish something that cool happened to me. And then he's like, no, it really did. And my pregnant 17 year old cousin was staying with us. Maybe she was 18, hot. She was supposed to be watching us.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then Valerie, you are come from garbage. Yeah, you have really risen above her.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Her podcast is get in the van.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Get in the van, Put the lotion on the skin.

[Valerie Vaughn]

I really don't. Don't have very much memory of what happened, but I do remember cleaning the knife and being scared that I was gonna get.

[Louis J. Gomez]

How old were you?

[Valerie Vaughn]

Probably 16.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice, nice. Good. Formative years.

[Valerie Vaughn]

I'm a good sister.

[David Lucas]

How did the stabbing go down?

[Valerie Vaughn]

I have no idea.

[David Lucas]

So this story shouldn't even count.

[Big J Okerson]

Who told you to clean it?

[Valerie Vaughn]

It did. This did happen.

[David Lucas]

You don't know what happened?

[Valerie Vaughn]

No, it did happen.

[David Lucas]

Sound like some lion ass.

[Valerie Vaughn]

No, no, it really didn't happen.

[Big J Okerson]

That's trauma.

[Valerie Vaughn]

Yeah, I was scared of getting busted.

[David Lucas]

Tony, you. You let your trauma out in as an expression of being homosexual. So what do you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The.

[Big J Okerson]

What the was that supposed to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I gotta be honest, I don't know where the score is. Like, except I know I didn't win.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I think I know who won already. But Alex, where are our final scores at?

[Alex]

All right, in last place with eight points, David Lucas.

[Big J Okerson]

Eight? As in he ate everything they put in front of him. Trauma in Fourth place, Alex.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let the crowd calm down. First.

[Alex]

In fourth place with nine points, Big J. Wow.

[Big J Okerson]

Wow.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's not last. He's not last. He's not last.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a W for me at this point.

[Alex]

In third place, with 11 points, Valerie Vaughn.

[Big J Okerson]

Ooh la la.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's play. She placed.

[Alex]

In second place with 16 points, Luis J. Gomez.

[Big J Okerson]

Aw, isn't that sweet?

[Alex]

Making your winner tonight with 19 points, Tony Hinchcliffe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not only is Kill Tony available right now on Netflix, but much more importantly, far more Paramount, Tony gets to bring home a signed copy of Permanent Record by the great Mary HK Choi.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And Tony, you can now, you can. As a story warrior, you can now trigger double points.

[Big J Okerson]

There's so many people that I'd like to thank for this moment. First of all, out there in the crowd, one of my good friends, Anthony Florig, ladies and gentlemen. He's from Youngstown, Ohio. He once called me and said, I'm going to come visit Los Angeles. Can I stay on your couch? And I go, I'm living on a couch, but you can stay on the floor. And I said, why are you coming to Los Angeles? And he said, I'm coming to Los Angeles to win the Price is Right. To which I responded, I don't think you know how that works, but you can come stay at my place. And he came and he stayed at my place. And he was on the floor. We had a fun night. I was working at the Comedy Store at the time and we had a fun night that night. Everybody that I introduced him to was my first friend from home visiting me at the Comedy Store ever. So everyone was excited. He's at the back door as I'm checking people's IDs. And everybody goes, wow, Anthony, nice to meet you. What brings you to la? And he told everybody, looked him right in the eyes and goes, I'm here to win the Price is Right. And every single person looked at him like he was nuts. And that we, we had a lot of fun that night. A whole night at the Comedy Store. Watched don Barris until 3 or 4am he had a car at the time, I did not. And he drove me home. And I hear a little tussle at 3 or 4, maybe 5 in the morning. Then it's him waking up off the kitchen floor. That's right, it was a kitchen floor. And he went. And a few hours later, I get a phone call. It's him. And he says, come outside. I walk outside and he is holding a piece of white billboard like that, that what was the total?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

$20,980 retail.

[Big J Okerson]

Motherfucker won the prices, right? I figure, why not? Since I saw him, I was really just going to thank the president, Donald Trump. But I saw Anthony out there, and I figure why we're better than on Story wars to tell you a true crazy fucking story.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You won the prices, right? Can you please tell us what you won? Oh, but the objects. Grill, $40 in Campbell's VHS. An armchair and an ottoman, eight small kitchen appliances, $400 in board games, two folding bicycles and a wine cooler, an antique restored player piano, Roy Hill attic heirlooms, Mission dining room set, and the Noritake Fitzgerald Fine dinner.

[David Lucas]

Dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bob Barker would be proud.

[Big J Okerson]

And on top of all that, tonight you're gonna leave with a very HK record. Congratulations, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you want to wield your powers for the first time ever?

[Big J Okerson]

What does that mean?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, you now get the ability to say the term that triggers the. Well, the fanfare.

[Big J Okerson]

There's so many. The reason you won, I would like to thank, first of all, shout outs to single points, shout outs to my aunt Cricket out there watching. And more than anything, I'd love to thank my new favorite part of the game. It's called double points.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Congratulations to Tony Hitchcock for being our newest story warrior. A big round of applause for all of our guests, everyone. Tony Hinchcliff, Valerie Vaughn, David Lucas. I'm Big J Okerson.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And I'm the puerto Rican rhino St. Louis J. Gomez.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We'll catch you guys next time on Story Wars. Good night.