049. Steve Byrne, Dusty Slay, & Dave Smith | Drinking

Summary

Podcast Summary: Story Warz - Episode 049: Steve Byrne, Dusty Slay, & Dave Smith | Drinking

Release Date: July 11, 2025
Host/Author: GaS Digital Network
Location: Live from The Stand Comedy Club, New York City

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Overview

In Episode 049 of Story Warz, hosted by GaS Digital Network's Big Jay Oakerson and Louis J. Gomez, comedians Steve Byrne, Dusty Slay, and Dave Smith join the hosts for an evening filled with humor, competitive storytelling, and dynamic interactions. The episode centers around the theme of "Drinking," where each participant shares personal anecdotes, aiming to deceive their peers and earn points through convincing narratives.

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Introduction to Story Warz

[02:20] Louis J. Gomez
Louis kicks off the episode by welcoming the audience to the second night of the Nashville Comedy Festival, setting an energetic tone for the evening. He introduces the concept of Story Warz, a game where panelists submit stories on a given topic—in this case, drinking—and attempt to both deceive others and correctly identify the origin of submitted stories.

[05:21] Louis J. Gomez
He explains the rules: panelists submit 3-5 stories each, and during the game, stories are read anonymously. If a panelist recognizes their own story, they must convince others it's not theirs; otherwise, they guess whose story theirs is. Correct guesses earn points, while successfully deceiving others also adds to their score.

Quotes:

• Louis: "Drinking. That's a fun one."
• Big J: "Our lovely producer Alex will read these stories off one at a time, in no particular order."

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First Round of Stories

[07:16] Alex
Alex, the producer, reads the first story: "When I was 15, I got shit faced at a party and puked on a table in front of the hottest girl in my school."

[07:27] Big J Oakerson & Panelists
The panel immediately suspects Louis due to the relatable nature of the story, but he deflects by pointing out his limited drinking history before the legal age.

[09:06] Dave Smith
Dusty argues in favor of Dave Smith, suggesting such antics align with Dave's persona as a "party guy."

[12:07] Alex
Truth revealed: This story belongs to Dave Smith, solidifying his position.

Quotes:

• Louis: "This is an everybody story."
• Dave: "I voted for Dave."

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Second Round of Stories

[17:59] Alex
Story Two: "The first time I had tequila, I fought a black dog."

[18:11] Panel Discussion
Dusty takes the lead, insinuating that despite his calm demeanor, the story might be his own misadventure with tequila.

[24:31] Alex
The story is confirmed to belong to Steve Byrne, highlighting his surprising and humorous altercation fueled by tequila.

Quotes:

• Dusty: "For some reason I have to go Dusty on this."
• Steve: "So I get out of the car, and suddenly I end up hugging a small gay man."

---

Third Round of Stories

[31:57] Alex
Story Three: "I was so drunk during one hookup that I took a break from going down on her to go puke rally and get back to eating her. Hoo ha."

[33:00] Panel Discussion
The panelists debate whether this risqué story aligns more with Dusty or Steve, ultimately revealing it to be Big J's own tale of a messy hookup mishap.

Quotes:

• Big J: "I started writing in someone else's voice."
• Louis: "This is not me."

---

Fourth Round of Stories

[40:57] Alex
Story Four: "Once, while day drinking, I used a hand dryer in the bathroom stall to dry pee off of my khakis."

[42:00] Panel Discussion
The panel narrowly discerns that this awkward and relatable drunk story is Dave Smith's, reflecting his candid and humorous nature.

Quotes:

• Dave: "It was one of the three or four times that I got hammered in my youth."
• Louis: "This is Dave's story."

---

Fifth Round of Stories

[54:47] Alex
Story Five: "I got drunk at a high school party and drove my car across the host's lawn."

[56:00] Panel Discussion
After much deliberation, the panel identifies this reckless drunken escapade as Louis J. Gomez's, showcasing his ability to surprise and engage with unconventional antics.

Quotes:

• Louis: "This was a Vanagha... It's very hilly."
• Dusty: "It's clearly him."

---

Final Points and Winner Announcement

[60:47] Alex
Scores are continually updated, reflecting the competitive spirit of the game.

[77:59] Big J Oakerson
In the final story, after intense debate, Steve Byrne claims the last story, leading to the final score tally.

[90:26] Final Scores Reveal

• Louis J. Gomez: 20 Points (Winner)
• Steve Byrne: 19 Points
• Big J Oakerson & Dusty Slay: 13 Points each
• Dave Smith: 3 Points

[91:00] Finale
Louis J. Gomez triumphantly secures the game, earning the coveted book, "We Should All Be Feminists" by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, which the hosts highly praise for its cultural significance and thought-provoking content.

Quotes:

• Louis: "It's a short, powerful essay. I’m going to be fighting very hard to keep that book in the Story Wars library."
• Big J: "How about a big round of applause for everybody who joined us tonight on this panel."

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Conclusion

Episode 049 of Story Warz offers a night of laughter, competitive storytelling, and insightful banter among comedians. The theme of "Drinking" serves as a fertile ground for humorous and relatable stories, allowing participants to showcase their wit and improvisational skills. Louis J. Gomez emerges victorious, adding a memorable chapter to the show's history. The episode concludes with plugs for sponsors and future events, maintaining the engaging and interactive spirit that Story Warz is known for.

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Notable Quotes:

• Steve Byrne: "Be water, my friend."
• Big J Oakerson: "If you go with Dusty, then I think Dusty has one more chance to stay in the tournament."
• Louis J. Gomez: "You can still ruin it for somebody else. You're not. Not important. You just can't win."

Timestamp Highlights:

• [05:21] Introduction to the game's rules
• [07:16] Story One begins
• [17:59] Story Two begins
• [31:57] Story Three begins
• [40:57] Story Four begins
• [54:47] Story Five begins
• [77:59] Final story and score reveal
• [91:00] Winner announcement

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This detailed summary encapsulates the essence of Episode 049 of Story Warz, providing an engaging overview for both regular listeners and newcomers alike.

Transcript

[Louis J. Gomez]

Skank Fest New Orleans is happening November 14th through 16th. Get your tickets right now. There's only individual day passes left. All access is sold out. VIP is sold out. It is the largest lineup we've ever had. Favorites like Tim Dillon, Shane Gillis, Nick Mullen, Joe List, Robert Kelly, Sam Hyde, obviously the Legion of Skanks and many, many more. Over 150 comedians, six stages, three full days of comedy fighting, music, and everything else you love about Skank fest. Go to skankfest.com right now and grab your single day passes.

[Big J Okerson]

Great news, everybody. Story wars merch store now up and functioning. Everyone get your goddamn merch right now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Represent the show that you love. Show that you are yourself a Story Warrior. We got T shirts, we got hoodies, maybe socks one day. StoryWarsMerch.com is the way, but plugs that.

[Big J Okerson]

Thing you can put inside of a woman and you control it from your phone.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The Story wars breakfast cereal. The Story wars flamethrow. Go to storywarsmerch.com and grab your merch today. What's going on, Story Warriors? If you love Story wars and you want to be a part of the live audience, come out to the New York Comedy Club every Wednesday night at 7:45pm to be a part of the show.

[Big J Okerson]

Don't be a piece of. Just get your tickets and come. It's fun. Buck face. New YorkComedyClub.com hey, before we start today's Story wars, let's talk about one of our awesome sponsors. And that, of course, is Yo Kratom. Long time, long time sponsor.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We give Yo Kratom double points.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. Yo Kratom. Home of the $60 kilo, everybody. That price never changes. No matter how many things in the world do change. Presidents time, assassination attempts, Gaza Wars. What else? There's something else going on over there.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't know, man.

[Big J Okerson]

You've been listening, Iran.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You've been listening to part of the problem. Too much.

[Big J Okerson]

I've been digging into part of the problem. It starts playing after my last video sometime.

[Louis J. Gomez]

YoCRU, $16 kilo. Let them know that we sent you. No promo code needed. All right, let's start the show.

[Steve Byrne]

Fill her up.

[Big J Okerson]

You're listening to the GAS Digital Network.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Nashville Comedy Festival.

[Big J Okerson]

Welcome to Story wars with the Story Warriors, Big J Okerson and Louis J. Gome. What's up? Nashville Comedy Festival. Welcome to Story Wars. Make some fucking noise in this room right now.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Night two of the festival. We're so excited to be here with you hillbillies.

[Big J Okerson]

What's up Hillbillies, thanks for being here. Thanks for pulling your wieners out of your cousins for five seconds to come. Enjoy a story about books. That's gotta be big here.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Now, a book is something with words in it that tells a story, not.

[Big J Okerson]

A guy reading it to you. Nerds, how many people here are familiar with the show Story Wars?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Everybody. Jay. It's everybody. They're here for us.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, we say that, but there's always one who's not familiar with Story Wars. There they are. That's okay. We'll explain it once we get our very esteemed panel up here. Everybody, you have an amazing, amazing lineup tonight. Our first guest coming up here to the stage, our first contestant. You know him from his podcast, Part of the Problem, and you may know him as one third of the legion of skanks. Everybody, how about it for the hilarious Dave Smith.

[Dave Smith]

This minute?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Philomine has got a damn good hold of me. My tweeter friends have got me, too. What is the music that you chose for Dave Harrington? That was crazy. He's a Jewish wigger. What are you doing?

[Steve Byrne]

We're in Nashville, Bill.

[Dusty Slay]

Okay, now I'm transitioning.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And your second contestant, Very excited to have him. His first time on Story Wars. One hour special, Working man, streaming on Netflix. Clapping up for Dusty Slay.

[Dave Smith]

Okay, we're having a good time.

[Big J Okerson]

And last but not least, our third contestant, everybody. He is now local right here in Nashville. Everybody. He's one of your own. Everybody. I've known him for a long time. One of the funniest motherfuckers working out there in the world. Make some noise for Steve Byrne. The damn thing gone wild Family lamb said it were not a mess Family.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Lamb the damn thing going blind Family.

[Big J Okerson]

Lamb peace be with you. All right, welcome to the show, everybody. Real quick, before we start the game, we'll explain for the two people who are unfamiliar with the game and the people listening at home for the first time, what this game is probably a lot of them. It's probably a lot of them. Story War is a very simple game. All five of us on this panel, including Lewis and I, have submitted three to five stories on one particular subject. Tonight's subject, Louis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Drinking.

[Big J Okerson]

Drinking. That's a fun one.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Look at all the drunks in the crowd. They're like, yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Our lovely producer Alex will read these stories off one at a time, in no particular order. We will see that here on the screen. If it's your story, you're the only person who knows that it's your job to fool everybody. Else in the panel that it's not your story. And if it's not your story, it's your job to guess whose story it is.

[Louis J. Gomez]

For every time you guess the story correctly, you get two points. For every person you fool, you get one point. Now, once you write your the name on this dry erase board and put it in the little slot right here or move your hand, that is your final answer. You cannot change it. And I'll tell you right now, the game is a lot of fun. And everyone knows the game's a lot of fun. But we're not playing for fun. We're playing for real deal prizes. Jay, tell me what tonight's prize is.

[Big J Okerson]

Tonight's? Well, you're always playing for a book in the Story Awards library, and tonight is no exception. Tonight you are playing for We Should All Be Feminists by Chimamandangazi Adichie. Yes.

[Dusty Slay]

Question. If you already own that book, can we play it for something else?

[Big J Okerson]

It's a short, powerful essay Adapted from her TEDx Talk of the same name. In it, Adichie explores what feminist means today, drawing from her own experiences growing up in Nigeria and navigating gender expectations.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Big J Okerson]

Wow. It's not for nothing. It's not for nothing.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. I'm going to be fighting very hard to keep that book in the story wars library.

[Dusty Slay]

Man, you guys have really classed this joint up since I bailed.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We love books over here, everybody. So if everyone's in and we're all ready to go. Drinking is the subject. Is this audience ready for war? Then with no further ado, Alex, story number one.

[Alex]

Story number one. When I was 15, I got shit faced at a party and puked on a table in front of the hottest girl in my school.

[Big J Okerson]

This sounds like this is pulled out of Lewis's brain. It sounds like you so much.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This is an everybody story.

[Dusty Slay]

It's a story that every dude can just immediately relate to.

[Big J Okerson]

Never got shit faced when I was 15.

[Steve Byrne]

I'm Korean, so I wasn't drinking a 15.

[Big J Okerson]

I believe you. You were fucking in lessons all day.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes, he's playing the viola.

[Big J Okerson]

I've met Steve's mother. She had him in lessons for sure. He was in lessons.

[Dusty Slay]

I know Jay enough to know that he was not drinking at 15. I believe Steve.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He also wasn't hanging out with any hot girls from his school.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, it didn't mean I was at a place where she was at. Maybe I drank to get the confidence to talk to her and then I.

[Dusty Slay]

Just yacked on her this story maybe happened to Jay last week, but not at 15.

[Big J Okerson]

Strong chance. I do not know how to drink. Cheers, everybody.

[Dusty Slay]

I think there's a. There's a possible, Louis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, I drank very few times before I was 21 years old because one of them.

[Big J Okerson]

You got shit faced at a party, puked on a table.

[Dusty Slay]

He didn't say no times.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, I can see this being a Dave Smith story. Dave was a cool kid. I'm telling you, right? Dave was an old school wigger.

[Dave Smith]

I vote for Dave.

[Dusty Slay]

I'll tell you right now, this absolutely could be a Dave Smith story. It's not. But that sounds just like one of my stories.

[Big J Okerson]

Dusty, you're sober, right?

[Dave Smith]

I am sober. But. But I did drink.

[Big J Okerson]

No, that's what I'm wondering.

[Dave Smith]

If you.

[Big J Okerson]

If you went hard, too hard at one point.

[Dave Smith]

No, I did go too hard at one point. And you know, this could be my story. But.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But this is a very mild story to stop drinking. Like, if you stop drinking, it's because you killed somebody or spent some time in jail. Well, yeah.

[Dusty Slay]

Like, even the people in aa, if you told them this was why you stopped drinking, they'd be like, you should keep drinking.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Right?

[Big J Okerson]

You stopped drinking? Did you go to jail?

[Dave Smith]

I grew up in Alabama. The hot girl was puking too, when I was.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah, that was her name.

[Dave Smith]

Yes.

[Big J Okerson]

Puking, too. Yeah, puking too. What's up? Puking too.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hey, Dusty. Hey, Dusty. Steve, were you a cool kid when you were younger?

[Big J Okerson]

No.

[Steve Byrne]

That's why I wasn't invited to the party.

[Big J Okerson]

No, Come on, you are handsome always.

[Steve Byrne]

No, no, no, no. I was. When I was in high school, I was like, you know, I. I didn't even know what hair product was. I didn't know what conditioner. My dad was bald, so I didn't know what shampoo and conditioner was. It just like, it would just dry out and poof out. It was awful.

[Dusty Slay]

Dude, I'm starting to think this is Steve and he's the best actor ever. I'm telling you, he was really good at this game.

[Steve Byrne]

I had like, mad scientist hair. Would just like.

[Dave Smith]

He puked, but it wasn't drinking.

[Steve Byrne]

It was from the beatings, my mom's beatings. That's why I puked. No, but I didn't know. Wouldn't get invited to a party, wasn't drinking.

[Big J Okerson]

And it's getting invited to a party that takes me out.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Dave, though, Dave was a party guy.

[Big J Okerson]

Dave was pretty popular.

[Dusty Slay]

I would certainly have been at a party at 15 where I could have puked on a table. I didn't, but it could be me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Dave's breaking. Look at the corners of his mouth going out.

[Big J Okerson]

That's what I thought.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, his.

[Big J Okerson]

His mouth quivered.

[Dusty Slay]

All right, you guys got.

[Big J Okerson]

But this also. This is Louis. I think it could be Louis very much.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, I believe.

[Dusty Slay]

I didn't like Lewis's. I only drank a few times.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I did. You're my best friends. You guys know.

[Dusty Slay]

I know you only drink a few times, but this could be one of those times.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Maybe, but it wasn't.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, that's helpful.

[Dusty Slay]

But that's what you would say.

[Big J Okerson]

I believe him because I want to.

[Louis J. Gomez]

My. My vibe is going towards Dave Smith. I don't know Day or. I don't know Dusty or Steve as well as I know the rest of the panel, but I will tell you.

[Dusty Slay]

I'm going Louis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I know that look. Dave's trying to defer right now.

[Dusty Slay]

No, no, no. I just think you're lying.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think Dave's lying right now.

[Big J Okerson]

I think Dave. I don't know which one of you is lying. And it's really gonna suck when this is Dusty and he kicks all of our ass in the first round.

[Steve Byrne]

Hold on, hold on. You're a clean comic, though, right?

[Dave Smith]

Yeah.

[Steve Byrne]

So he wouldn't put I got shit faced, so I would eliminate him.

[Dusty Slay]

God, these Asians are smart.

[Dave Smith]

They are smart.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They're fucking great.

[Big J Okerson]

Now it's back to Dave and Lewis, the two other pieces of shit at this table.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm going. Dave Smith. He was cool. He went to parties. He was getting shit faced doing drugs, banging hot chicks. That's Dave's origin story.

[Dusty Slay]

All right, you're making it sound way.

[Big J Okerson]

Cooler now, Dave, remember, you never had a bad day in high school and everything was awesome and so much pussy in sports.

[Dusty Slay]

Listen, if you guys want to let Louis lead you down this trail, go for it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I was a dork. Dave was a David, a big dick, had a cool attitude, great car.

[Steve Byrne]

Dave, by the way. Dave was, like, half bald. You had a big forehead, and as you've gotten older, you've had a preceding hairline.

[Louis J. Gomez]

None of that goes forward.

[Steve Byrne]

So I.

[Big J Okerson]

You know what? Dave Smith's a clean comic. I'm gonna say this is Louis J.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Idiot.

[Dusty Slay]

Louis J. Gomez.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow. Dave just fooled you into that, Jay. Good job wasting your vote, you fool.

[Big J Okerson]

It's too late. It's already done. And you know I'm right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, we'll see.

[Big J Okerson]

Ooh.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Okay, Jay, I'm not gonna lie on today's episode at all. That's my promise.

[Steve Byrne]

All right, So I go.

[Dave Smith]

I go, Dave, I may have gone too early.

[Big J Okerson]

Sorry, I don't know. And Dave's going voting last. Which fuck makes me think it might be Dave? You cocksucker. Everyone's answers are in Alex.

[Alex]

That story belongs to Dave Smith.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What did I tell you?

[Dusty Slay]

Totally belongs to me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, God.

[Dusty Slay]

Dude, it was so bad.

[Dave Smith]

I knew it right away.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Dude, it was.

[Dusty Slay]

I was 15, and we went to this house party, and me and my buddy, we were so new to drinking, and we got a bottle of vodka with a fake ID that I had that said I was 21 when I was 15. Like, if you saw me at 15, there's not a shot. Like, there was this Asian lady behind, and she was like, all right. And so we just start drinking, literally from the bottle of vodka, something I couldn't do today as a professional drinker. And we get to. And I. At a certain point, I just realized I've drank way too much of this bottle. Like, I think I put half of it away myself. And then I just happened to, like, have an interaction with the hottest girl in our high school. And it was going, at least as I remember, really good. And I was like, wow, that's fucking awesome.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And then that's. Your shit goes back.

[Big J Okerson]

But if you had a real video of it, you're probably just going to some titties.

[Dusty Slay]

There's.

[Big J Okerson]

I says, some titties.

[Dusty Slay]

I'm sure it was awful. I thought I was making her laugh.

[Big J Okerson]

Titties. You use it with me in the mouth, then.

[Dusty Slay]

Okay. So I end up getting fucking, like, just retardedly drunk. I fucking puke everywhere I get home. It was the next day. I started having, like, a flashback, and I was like, shit. I remember being outside, and we were just sitting around this table and everything's blurry. And then I just go, blurgh, puke right on the table, right in front. And then I asked her about it at school, and she confirmed it was real.

[Steve Byrne]

Hey, you threw up the next day?

[Dusty Slay]

Well, maybe a couple days later. I don't remember. But back at school, I asked her about it at some point.

[Steve Byrne]

But you threw up in front of her after you had been drinking?

[Dusty Slay]

Yeah, that night at the party.

[Steve Byrne]

Oh, shit.

[Dusty Slay]

You know, I couldn't give you details like that.

[Big J Okerson]

That's not.

[Dusty Slay]

It's quite possible.

[Steve Byrne]

What does she look like today?

[Dusty Slay]

I don't know. But.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But describe. But, Dave, describe her hotness as a teenager.

[Steve Byrne]

Yeah. How hot?

[Dusty Slay]

I mean, she.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, man. First cr.

[Dusty Slay]

I was younger than her, so there's no way.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, first crop bush, dude. Like, extra virgin olive oil.

[Dusty Slay]

It is even. This is a real. All right, I'm just not going to say it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Forget.

[Dusty Slay]

But, you know, like, when you remember being in the eighth grade or, like, ninth grade and thinking of, like, an older chick and you're like, oh, she was so hot. And then you have a moment where you're like, I'm talking about a child. Yeah, yeah, but, like, in my mind, she was old.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, but.

[Dusty Slay]

Yeah, no, she was great.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So great you're still allowed to go back there and think she's hot. There's nothing against it.

[Dusty Slay]

I was a child.

[Big J Okerson]

Nope. Nope. I think this crowd and society will tell you you can't think that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They can't. You can't beat the.

[Steve Byrne]

I don't think. You know, you haven't been paying attention to the title of the book.

[Big J Okerson]

We Should All Be feminist.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Dave. Alex, we're appointed.

[Big J Okerson]

Maybe Dave needs this book more than anybody.

[Alex]

On the scoreboard with one point, Dave Smith. With two points each, Louis J. Gomez. Dusty and Steve.

[Dusty Slay]

Have two points.

[Alex]

Big J, you have zero points.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Okay, how does any of that make sense?

[Big J Okerson]

What do you mean?

[Louis J. Gomez]

You get two points.

[Big J Okerson]

One person.

[Dusty Slay]

You get two points for a correct guy. You guys have fucked this thing up.

[Big J Okerson]

No. Well, Dave, you're on the board now. I'll tell you this. Lately I've been coming out of the gate strong and then never score again. So this is.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's good for you.

[Big J Okerson]

It's a long game right here. We're fine. Twos, Ones. Two. We're good.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yo, it's Louis J. Gomez and Big J Okerson bringing you the madness on Story Wars With a Z, the sickest game show podcast around. My old wallet was a disaster. Bulky, falling apart, give me a crooked spine. Jay. What trash were you carrying, Louis?

[Big J Okerson]

My wallet was a saggy leather mess, like a sad taco stuffed with receipts. Now I'm all in with Ridge Wallets. You see that new titanium black beast they got on the website? That's my new go to bathroom site, by the way. So long, Worldstar. Hello, Ridge. Slim as hell. Holds 12 cards plus cash. Made with badass aluminum and carbon fiber, over 50 styles. And that RFID blocking tech keeps the digital pickpockets out of my biz.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yo, Ridge actually gave me an idea. With their carbon fiber airtag wallet, I'm gonna put an airtag attachment on everything I own. That's right. Ridge gave me that idea. Ridge's lifetime warranty means it's the last wallet that I'm ever gonna buy. And their suitcases and key cases. Same sleek, tough vibe. With over 100,000 5 star reviews. You know it's legit. Jay. That air tag give you a piece of mind or what?

[Big J Okerson]

Hell yeah. No more freaking out at the bar or when you get home after the bar.

[Louis J. Gomez]

For a limited time, our listeners get 10% off at Ridge by using code warzwithaz. Make sure you go check out ridge.com warswithaz to grab a perfect upgrade for your summer. That's ridge.com warzwithaz at checkout. Tell them that storywar sent you to support the show. Crowd CHEERS.

[Big J Okerson]

Alex. Story number two.

[Alex]

Story number two. The first time I had tequila, I fought a black dog.

[Dusty Slay]

Oh, man, when you can get him in one sentence like that, it's great.

[Big J Okerson]

I want to believe this is Dusty Slay.

[Dusty Slay]

For some reason I have to go Dusty on this. But that is such a funny sentence.

[Big J Okerson]

It's a great sentence. It definitely makes you want to know more.

[Steve Byrne]

Dust is from the south originally. So this totally.

[Dave Smith]

It gets wild.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. When tequila. I either fight or on tequila. So I understand.

[Big J Okerson]

And both black guys.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, both black guys give me the opportunity.

[Big J Okerson]

He goes, hey, brother, your call. Fighter goes, excuse me? I said fighter me, you black bastard. You black son of a. I had tequila and I'm ready for both.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But here's the thing. Dusty seems like a very nice guy. Dusty doesn't seem like a fighter. No offense, right?

[Big J Okerson]

But maybe tequila made him wild. Tequila.

[Dave Smith]

Tequila does get you wild.

[Big J Okerson]

Tequila is the. Is the alcohol that most people say they don't drink it. It's like, it's. That's the one that caused the problem for.

[Dusty Slay]

Dusty's a nice guy now. Drinking water around white people.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Steve doesn't seem like a fighter either, though. Steve, when's the last time you got.

[Big J Okerson]

Are you out of your fucking tree? Steve Byrne, martial Arts.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Don't be racist.

[Big J Okerson]

I've seen Steve Byrne fist fight more than I've seen him on stage. I've known him for 25 years.

[Dusty Slay]

Is that true?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Steve's a fight.

[Dusty Slay]

I've always thought Steve is always from.

[Big J Okerson]

Steve's a father now and a married man. He was a hot headed youngster.

[Dusty Slay]

I've known.

[Big J Okerson]

I've known Steve for many years from Pittsburgh.

[Dave Smith]

I don't see a tequila guy, though. No, I don't see him as a tequila guy.

[Steve Byrne]

No. I mean, look. Yeah. In the. In the cellar or at the Strip.

[Big J Okerson]

You.

[Steve Byrne]

You saved me that night.

[Big J Okerson]

That was wild.

[Steve Byrne]

Got hurled at me at the back of my Head.

[Big J Okerson]

Steve was doing the right thing. He was on stage. The crowd, just one group of young Hispanics were hepcling. I say young, in their 20s, late mid-20s.

[Steve Byrne]

Well, today I'd call them illegal.

[Big J Okerson]

True. Probably. You're not wrong. Yeah, there was one table, and, man, you hit some. I'll never forget this night. They were saying fucking. They were just heckling. They were being shitty. And Steve goes, they were a bunch of, like, pretty Puerto Rican dudes and their girlfriends. And Steve goes, hey, o town, shut the fuck up. And then the escalation from there was so immediate, they threw a table menu at Steve. And then they were kicking them out. And when they were leaving, Steve goes, get out of here, you and your fucking cunt girlfriend. And that girlfriend. The guy was leaving. The girlfriend looked at the boyfriend with a face of, you have to fight him or you can't come home with me. And the guy reluctantly ran on stage and grabbed a stool on the way up and swung it and hit Steve on the top of the head. And then I hugged Steve, which is the not right thing to do. You're supposed to grab the other hand.

[Dusty Slay]

Jay just went full retard on it. He was like, I love you. You're my friend.

[Big J Okerson]

I grabbed Steve as if to hold his arms down, to not defend himself from this guy. I don't know why. Thank God somebody else grabbed the other guy. I don't know why. I went to grab Steve. Steve, enough. You're bleeding.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah. Steve, stay down.

[Big J Okerson]

I saw Steve chase two guys out of the Boston Comedy Club once, throw a parking cone on him. Steve's a hothead. Young.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, now. Now you're making me think this might be Steve's story.

[Big J Okerson]

Could be Steve.

[Steve Byrne]

But I don't drink tequila because of this. I don't. No, no, no.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's like, I don't associate with black people. Well, I don't drink tequila. You know, I don't like them.

[Steve Byrne]

I don't like them. I don't like him at all.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Damn, that's not. That's not bad.

[Big J Okerson]

That's the ultimate Trump insult. A Chinaman doing the impression.

[Steve Byrne]

Young lady, could you please join the show?

[Big J Okerson]

Thank you.

[Steve Byrne]

No, I've always been a beer guy. And then I made the transition to Jameson on the Jameson whiskey tour. So I've only, like, literally, in my life had two liquors. It was always beer, whatever beer there was. And then the Jameson whiskey tour we did. And I went two years on the whiskey tour without ever trying Jameson. And they flew us to Ireland and the Head of Jameson said you gotta have one to keep or one. What the whiskey.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Interesting. Interesting. Up, Steve. Interesting. Up. Well, Steve is what we're talking about.

[Big J Okerson]

You were on the Casamigos tour.

[Dusty Slay]

I. I think we are overlooking the possibility that this is Lewis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You think it's me?

[Dusty Slay]

I think that kind of sounds like the type of shit you do.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Fight black guys now.

[Dusty Slay]

I think it's Dusty again. God damn it.

[Big J Okerson]

Listen, this could be Lewis.

[Dave Smith]

I thought he's just Lewis all along.

[Big J Okerson]

But this very well could be Louis.

[Steve Byrne]

Lewis always looks like he's ready to fight anyways.

[Big J Okerson]

But white guys. Yeah, you want to go?

[Louis J. Gomez]

You want to go, you black piece of shit? You talking shit.

[Dusty Slay]

Someone give me a shot at tequila.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They're all black guys. To me.

[Big J Okerson]

This might not. I'm going to go Dusty.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're going with Dusty. I think Steve. Steve also is like the most accomplished actor on the stage as well. I think Steve is a fucking.

[Steve Byrne]

I don't agree with that. I was on TBS for three summers.

[Louis J. Gomez]

We've been on nothing.

[Big J Okerson]

That was your show, though. I was on a. I'm on you.

[Steve Byrne]

I think it's you.

[Big J Okerson]

Ooh.

[Steve Byrne]

I think you've been fighting words of dust ups. That's my thought.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I've been to a few dust ups in my day, but never with a black guy. I only fight down and I think I'm gonna.

[Dusty Slay]

I'm gonna regret. Lewis is over talking and made me switch. I was gonna go with dust.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm going, Louis, it's either Dusty or Steve. It's not Jay. Jay's a pussy. Jay wouldn't find anybody.

[Big J Okerson]

I fought black guy sober motherfucker.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm going, Steve, final answer. Everyone thinks it's me on that side.

[Big J Okerson]

Not me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I went, wow, dude, this panel over here thinks I'm so tough.

[Big J Okerson]

No, it didn't say you won. It says you were crazy enough to try. Fuck. It's gonna be Lewis. And I suck such shit at this game.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All of our answers are in.

[Alex]

That story belongs to Steve Byrne.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, oh, oh, you accomplished actor. Oh, I did some summer stock one summer. You motherfuck. I believe you looked me right in the eyes.

[Dusty Slay]

All right, so what's the story here, Steve?

[Steve Byrne]

The story is I was on.

[Big J Okerson]

How did I not know this was Steve? I just told you eight fighting stories. I told you the one fighting story I didn't know.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You literally convinced me it was Steve.

[Steve Byrne]

I even said tequila and I go, oh.

[Dave Smith]

I watched Steve not be able to handle a hot pepper. I never thought. I never saw this. I Never saw this coming.

[Steve Byrne]

No. I did Mike Young's Young American tour when he was like. He was. He was bringing, like, Bret, Ernst and Sebastian and Kreischer and me, and we went to Phoenix. I never had tequila before. And Mike Young, that's all he drinks, tequila. He's like, let's do tequila. So we did tequila. And then Sebastian and I met these girls years ago before we met our girls, like, new to la. We bring these girls back to the hotel, have a blast. I'm like, all right, I'm going to walk the girls back. Sebastian's like, go ahead, take them. So I go to walk them.

[Big J Okerson]

Why would you do that?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Why would you do that?

[Big J Okerson]

You're going to walk them home? You already fucked them.

[Steve Byrne]

Why would you do that? So I was trying to be a gentleman, and I catch up to them in the lobby. There's a black guy holding the door open and four dudes behind him, and he's talking to the girls, trying to flirt and like, come on, girl. Come on, come on.

[Big J Okerson]

Right in front of you.

[Steve Byrne]

Well, I. I hadn't been there yet because they. They left. And so I was catching up to them. So I caught up to them. And then the guy's like, come on, give me your number. Give me number. Come drink with us. She's like, nah, I'm okay. He's like, come on, come on. And so I dip under his arm. I go, I get it, guys. We're all here to have a good time. We're just wrapping up the night.

[Big J Okerson]

The ladies are spoken for. Excuse me, homeboy, but the ladies are spoken for.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So.

[Steve Byrne]

So he's ignoring me, and I'm just like, all right, we're trying to wrap it up. His boys are pulling him aside. And then he's like, come on, girl, give me your number. She's like, I'm not giving my number. He's like, come on, come on, you want this bling? She goes, I don't want your bling. He goes, come on. She goes, I'm not giving you my number. You drops the N bomb.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Come on.

[Steve Byrne]

He walks and.

[Dusty Slay]

You didn't marry this chick, dude.

[Big J Okerson]

I was gonna say, you just. She dropped the N bomb with you dream. We like.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The one who got away.

[Steve Byrne]

The door shuts.

[Louis J. Gomez]

My wife has never done anything near as cool as that. Never.

[Big J Okerson]

Never.

[Steve Byrne]

Door shuts, I'm there. He walks to the girl. I step in front. I played hockey all my life. And obviously he's black, so he never. So I grabbed the back of his shirt.

[Big J Okerson]

Was not expecting the fucking jersey over the head.

[Steve Byrne]

I pulled the jersey over the head. I pulled the jersey.

[Big J Okerson]

Come on.

[Dusty Slay]

You're doing white people moves.

[Big J Okerson]

What's this foxhole?

[Steve Byrne]

So I just start drilling, drilling, drilling, drilling. I'm just pounding him as hard as I can because I'm like, this is it. It's like we're in a thing. So I. I'm hitting him. He goes, chill, dog, chill. I go, you done? He goes, chill, dog, chill. I go, are you done? He goes, I'm done.

[Louis J. Gomez]

The girl chimes in again, no, he's not. He's a dumb.

[Big J Okerson]

Stop saying that.

[Steve Byrne]

Now here's the part.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ready?

[Big J Okerson]

His heads are super hard. He's fine.

[Steve Byrne]

What happened now is that we knocked the elevator off the mooring, so now we're stuck in midair. Okay, so elevator stops. Sarah smiles is playing from hall and Oaks. Oh, so nice.

[Big J Okerson]

That's good. Dude.

[Steve Byrne]

To this day when I hear that song, like, even.

[Dusty Slay]

Even in that moment where you're like, good tune.

[Steve Byrne]

Even the black guy's like, right?

[Big J Okerson]

It's like the slow mo that goes.

[Dusty Slay]

If you want to be free.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You know.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, you gotta say so.

[Louis J. Gomez]

When you feel warm.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, you. And when you feel you can't go.

[Steve Byrne]

You really know all the lyrics.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Okay.

[Big J Okerson]

It's you and me together. Sarah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Sarah.

[Steve Byrne]

So then.

[Big J Okerson]

So.

[Steve Byrne]

So that happens. He gets up, pulls his shirt over his head, and the girl's crying. The other girl's comforting her. I'm in the corner. He gets up, pulls it over, and he's just looking at me. He's looking at me. And I'm like, he's gonna fucking come again. So I'm kinda like bracing up against the wall, and he's just staring at me. He goes, were you on BT's Comic View?

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Steve Byrne]

He goes, you do the Bruce Lee thing. I go, fuck yeah. He goes, oh, shit, I love that. And I was like, oh, thanks, man. What are you doing in town? I was like, well, I was at the improv and I met this girl who's apparently racist. I had no idea. All of a sudden, the door goes, okay, door goes. Opens. The door opens. His four boys heard everything. They rush in, pulled my shirt, pop me here, pop me here. I got like, cut here, cut in the lip. And he goes, whoa, guys, guys, guys, guys. Remember BET's comic view? Bruce Lee? The Bruce Lee bit. And they go, oh, shit. And they go, yeah. So the lobby guy comes over, he goes, I call the cops. These guys bolt down the thing. The girls go back in the elevator. I'm standing in the lobby. And the attendant goes, are you okay? I'm like, yeah, I guess I'm just bleeding here and stuff. And that's when Sebastian Maniscalco comes out. He comes out of the business center holding a Frappuccino dressed in all Adidas nightgear. Just looks at me, goes, what the fuck happened to you, guy? So that was the last time I had tequila.

[Big J Okerson]

The last time you had tequila.

[Steve Byrne]

The last time I had tequila.

[Big J Okerson]

That was it. Yeah, man. Great.

[Dusty Slay]

What an amazing story. Who'd have thought BET Comic View would get you out of violence? God bless America.

[Big J Okerson]

God bless America.

[Dave Smith]

Looks like it worked out, though. You should drink tequila more. I think it really worked out.

[Big J Okerson]

More stories in the end. Yeah, really? The story is I drank tequila one time and beat a black guy until he loved me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Dusty Slay]

That was good.

[Steve Byrne]

And then I wrote Rush Hour based off of that.

[Big J Okerson]

Alex, you had a buddy cop in you the whole time.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I know. Alex, where our points at?

[Alex]

Well, in last place with zero points. Oh yeah, Big J Okerson.

[Big J Okerson]

It's patronizing. Thank you, Roots.

[Alex]

In fourth place with one point, Dave Smith.

[Dave Smith]

Come on, I got time.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They really only clap for last. In first place.

[Alex]

In third place with two points, Dusty Slay.

[Dave Smith]

All right.

[Alex]

In second place, with four points, Luis J. Gomez. And in first place with five points, Steve Byrne.

[Steve Byrne]

I hate to set the bar today, but I set a very high bar.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay.

[Steve Byrne]

Be water, my friend.

[Big J Okerson]

Be water. Alex. We sell Alex. Story number three.

[Alex]

Story number three. I was so drunk during one hookup that I took a break from going down on her to go puke rally and get back to eating her. Hoo ha.

[Dave Smith]

That's Big J.

[Steve Byrne]

It's gotta be J.

[Dave Smith]

That's Big J.

[Steve Byrne]

No one here says Hooha. That sounds like something you'd say.

[Big J Okerson]

I will say it sounds Southern, but I don't think this is Dusty's going to.

[Dusty Slay]

Jay would never say Hooha.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hoohah is crazy.

[Steve Byrne]

To throw off the scent. To throw off the scent. N. They changed it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They didn't change it.

[Steve Byrne]

Who the are you?

[Big J Okerson]

You.

[Dusty Slay]

You have no information, lady.

[Big J Okerson]

It's not wrong.

[Steve Byrne]

Why did this woman from the table that all just came back from Lens Crafters just know.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What are you talking about, Elvira? How do you know they changed it?

[Big J Okerson]

I believe them. They just came from a current disturbed show.

[Steve Byrne]

I'm saying Hoo ha, Jay, because it just sounds like a funny word and.

[Big J Okerson]

I could hear you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay would say unquestionable, but.

[Steve Byrne]

But I'm saying in this game to.

[Dusty Slay]

Throw it off, it's just not really a J story.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay's also dramable at this game. He wouldn't think that far ahead.

[Steve Byrne]

He's not.

[Dusty Slay]

It's just not Jay being, like, hammered.

[Big J Okerson]

I should start writing in someone else's voice.

[Steve Byrne]

Well, the story starts. I was so drunk. So you got to go right here, Dave Smith.

[Dusty Slay]

I'm the fucking drunk here.

[Steve Byrne]

You started drinking. What's that?

[Louis J. Gomez]

The topic is drinking.

[Steve Byrne]

So, yeah, I think this is the one that's.

[Dave Smith]

And we know he pukes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, so Dusty's a clean comic as well. Hoo ha is a clean term.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't think you would say even going down on her. Yeah, the topic doesn't sound right.

[Steve Byrne]

Hold on.

[Dave Smith]

I don't know. Who uses hoo ha even as a clean comic?

[Big J Okerson]

You wouldn't use, say, vagina first?

[Dave Smith]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't. Alex doesn't take those type of liberties either. She would change, like, a couple verbs. She would say sibling instead of brother or sister.

[Big J Okerson]

To not give away stuff.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's not going to change a whole word. This is something.

[Dusty Slay]

Come up with her, by the way.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It could be Steve. This could be Steve throwing us off right now. Because there can be two stories in a row.

[Dave Smith]

This could be the same night.

[Big J Okerson]

Could be Steve twice in a row.

[Dave Smith]

That's why he had to walk her home.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He had to puke. He had a. She had a puke. Rally. Clan rally. And get back to eating her hoo ha.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, that's the rally.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That was the rally. I understand.

[Big J Okerson]

I'll be back in an hour.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, my instinct says Dusty, but it's just because, I mean, Dave or J would not write Ian her Hoo ha. That's crazy.

[Steve Byrne]

I think it's. I think it's dusty. Yeah, I think it's dusty. That's. Yeah, that's.

[Dusty Slay]

Now I'm thinking it's Steve.

[Louis J. Gomez]

God damn it.

[Big J Okerson]

Exactly right there. Made me think it's Steve.

[Dave Smith]

Steve's really pushing hard for me.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hold on.

[Steve Byrne]

I'm also a writer. This is too. This is too much information here. My last sentence. Nice. Compact, to the point. This is way too much.

[Dave Smith]

It's a lot of information. You got to get it all out.

[Dusty Slay]

Ah, shit. Steve would have trimmed that fat.

[Steve Byrne]

Plus, it's all about me in the bedroom, so I don't do that shit. I work too hard.

[Big J Okerson]

Asian, take care of yourself. When I fall asleep, I'm putting Dusty, too.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Asian people don't eat pussy. They eat cat, but not pussy. So I don't believe this is Steve.

[Steve Byrne]

I'm saying Dusty.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't think it's Dusty.

[Louis J. Gomez]

My instinct is Dusty here. I think Dusty's a dirty little liar.

[Big J Okerson]

Yikes. I'm gonna go.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think this might be.

[Steve Byrne]

Can I. Can I change mine?

[Dave Smith]

I'm sticking with my.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No. Once your fingers are. You can't change it.

[Dave Smith]

I'm sticking with it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's.

[Steve Byrne]

Second thoughts. I think I'm wrong. God damn it, I'm wrong. I know I'm wrong.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You think mayjay. It might be Jay.

[Big J Okerson]

This might be.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It might be Jay. Did you learn how to play the game?

[Steve Byrne]

I think it's Lewis. And I. I completely up. The minute I turned around, I'm like.

[Big J Okerson]

I think it's Louis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Okay, well, we'll see. It might be Jay. No, it's not Dave. If Dave wrote Hoo ha, I'll never respect him again. Thank you.

[Dusty Slay]

You don't have to worry about that, sir.

[Alex]

Alex, that story belongs to Big J. I was right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He learned. I was right. He learned strategy.

[Dusty Slay]

Alex, did you write Hoo ha or did she change it to Hoo Ha?

[Big J Okerson]

Alex, do me a favor. Read the text I sent you. Read the story again and read, but.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Read it in full.

[Alex]

Sure thing. Jay said.

[Big J Okerson]

I was so drunk. You read the story?

[Alex]

I was so drunk during a hookup that I took a break from going down on her to puke, rally, and get back to eating her Hoo ha. Then in parentheses, it says purposefully, not written in my voice.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Dave Smith]

All right.

[Dusty Slay]

Holy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay has turned in Story wars history. He's finally learning to play the game. Smart move, Jay. I can't.

[Dusty Slay]

I don't even know if I could look at you as a friend the same way.

[Steve Byrne]

Literally, the first thing I said, I don't know.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Dusty Slay]

You could just fucking be this manipulative. I don't know. Maybe you're cheating on me. All these years.

[Big J Okerson]

It was a girl me and Christine were hanging out with, and I have very few drunken hookups in my life, but I got drunk this night at the stand and we went home. When I was going down on her, I was like. I went. I go, oh, I have to go.

[Louis J. Gomez]

To the bathroom, actually.

[Big J Okerson]

And I went in the bathroom and violently puked and felt way better and then got back to work on her. Hoo Ha.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What? I don't even know what to do anymore.

[Big J Okerson]

She came. Everyone was great. She came. Everyone had a great time. It was a fantastic night. Alex, those scores, please.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm pissed.

[Dusty Slay]

Feeling pretty good.

[Big J Okerson]

Dusty, what made you just. Last second. That was a fucking.

[Dave Smith]

Well, I Don't know you well enough to know that you wouldn't say hoo.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ha.

[Big J Okerson]

That's fair.

[Dave Smith]

It just seemed like your story, though.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. If you took who I out of it, though, this does read me.

[Dave Smith]

From what I know about you, that.

[Steve Byrne]

Felt like your story.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's also the sound that he made.

[Big J Okerson]

When he was speaking. We spent a cumulative two hours together. I think he does know me pretty well at this point, as people see.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex.

[Big J Okerson]

Alex.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Why don't you go ahead, read them? Scores.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Alex]

In last place with one point, Dave Smith.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Big J Okerson]

Boo. Boo. Libertarian Jews.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Boo.

[Dusty Slay]

Lot of time. A lot of time left on the clock.

[Alex]

In fourth place with three points, Big J Okerson.

[Big J Okerson]

He's not last. He's not last.

[Alex]

I have a tie for second place with four points each, Louis J. Gomez and Dusty Slay.

[Dave Smith]

All right, all right.

[Alex]

And in the lead with five points, Steve Byrne.

[Steve Byrne]

I'm angry. I should have gone with my instincts. I had it. I fucking cracked the case.

[Big J Okerson]

Tells me right away, by the way. Let me know. What happened tonight is a real microcosm. What happens here every fucking week was I told everybody three stories back to back of why that fighting a black guy thing was you. Yeah. And then I voted for Louis. I do this and I fucked everything up.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Damn.

[Big J Okerson]

You hear the crowd? They're like, he does it all the goddamn time. It's insane.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, Jay, let's take a quick moment and talk about our chubbies. My favorite fucking thing to wear this summer is my chubby shorts, okay? They have swim shorts, they have regular shorts if you want to show a lot of thigh. And I know you do now that you have those little skinny thighs.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You do.

[Big J Okerson]

I go for the 8 inch inseams.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Sure you do. More like the 4 inch inseam for you.

[Big J Okerson]

But Chubby's really is going for the guy who wants to show you the full gam.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, dude.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. Without a doubt, the four inch inseam. You got to be wanting for your pecker head to pop out of that. Yeah, dude.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Muscly thighs and a big dick. Four inch all day. I wish I could wear the four inch.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, it's a Fire island sale.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I'm wearing the Jenko style down to the ankles.

[Big J Okerson]

No, dude, I'm a Clam Diggers fellow. But you know what? If you want to see all my.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Inner thigh discoloration, Truly incredible products. Just incredible styles, colors. Very, very comfortable. All you got to do right now is go to chubby shorts.com c h u b b I e s shorts.com and use the promo code wars with a Z for 20% off your order today. Once again, that is Chubby Shorts dot com. Use the promo code wars with a z to save 20% off. All right, where were we? Alex, story number four.

[Alex]

Story number four. Once, while day drinking, I used a hand dryer in the bathroom stall to dry pee off of my khakis.

[Dusty Slay]

Well, everyone's done that.

[Dave Smith]

I mean, that's gotta be Steve. Steve's wearing khakis right now.

[Steve Byrne]

No, these are, like, cargo pants. I. I'm not a youth pastor.

[Dave Smith]

I thought khaki was a color.

[Big J Okerson]

The color is khaki.

[Steve Byrne]

Oh, really?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, khakis are a type of pants.

[Steve Byrne]

Yeah, it's like a pleated or straight, but that colored.

[Dusty Slay]

Is that.

[Dave Smith]

It's a color, though, too.

[Dusty Slay]

I am now. That's the first I've ever heard khaki is the color.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, khaki is a type of pants.

[Dusty Slay]

I always thought khaki was the type of pants.

[Big J Okerson]

It's the. They call them. But I think you can have black.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Khakis if you're wearing khakis.

[Dave Smith]

If it's a lot like cargo pants.

[Steve Byrne]

But I thought khakis were. The first time I heard about khakis was like when the Gap sold khakis. And it's like frat boy pants.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. I think I call them date rapers.

[Steve Byrne]

Well, it's got to be Dave.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, if it's day rapists. Why? Because Dave has the haircut of a date rapist.

[Dusty Slay]

That's not what I'm thinking.

[Big J Okerson]

Sure. Would Dave be voted most likely to date rape on this panel? Sure, but I don't think that makes him a date rapist.

[Dusty Slay]

I'm sorry. My parents could afford roofies.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm looking at Dustin Nasty sleigh over me too.

[Dave Smith]

Do I look like a khakis guy?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Kind of.

[Big J Okerson]

Maybe at some point.

[Dusty Slay]

He doesn't really look like a khakis game.

[Louis J. Gomez]

At one point when you were drinking, you were maybe wearing some kicks. Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Maybe this was a day you had short hair and no beard and used to wear khakis. And then you were like, you know, would hide this long hair, a beard and jeans.

[Dave Smith]

Well, that would be a real long game to play.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah. This is how you got to your current look through pissed khakis.

[Dave Smith]

It is a good disguise, though. I'll give you that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But I will say Asians do wear khakis. That is a very Asian thing to be wearing.

[Steve Byrne]

But I'll tell you this. And full Disclosure, I do not day drink. I do not date.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, but you also don't drink tequila, you liar. We've learned today that you're a liar.

[Steve Byrne]

Steve, can I just ask this? Why the attitude? Where's the tone? Like where this is a comedy show.

[Big J Okerson]

What about when you got drunk and rode that tricycle in the Revenge of the Nerds race day she. I know the whole thing. You guys never saw. Revenge of Nerds is the only legal rape ever in a movie.

[Dave Smith]

I think Steve dresses the nicest, though.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm going, Steve, Dusty rushed and it lets me know. It is definitely dusty.

[Dave Smith]

I'm always first.

[Steve Byrne]

I think it's dusty.

[Louis J. Gomez]

If you're not first, you're last.

[Dave Smith]

That's right.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, going dusty. Ooh, everyone's going dusty. Yeah, it's clearly him. You know what, though? We've trained this audience to think that it must be the clean comic if it doesn't have the word cunt in the story. So that could be throwing us off that one of us just didn't write a filthy story. This could be.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Were you a big day drinker back then?

[Dave Smith]

I don't even know what khakis are, apparently.

[Big J Okerson]

I think none of us know. And by the way, our crew didn't tell us.

[Steve Byrne]

Are we all dusty?

[Dave Smith]

I was a drinker of any time. I mean, I was, you know.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, Steve or Dusty? Steve or Dusty? I think it's Steve. You guys think it's Steve, right?

[Dave Smith]

It's gotta be Steve.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Did you take your hand off that, Jay?

[Big J Okerson]

Not yet.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Khakis.

[Big J Okerson]

Khakis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Not a day drinker. Not a khaki wearer.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah.

[Dave Smith]

A lot of surface area.

[Big J Okerson]

If it's Lewis, sir, I'll whack you off in the bathroom just to hard. I'm not going to finish you off, but I'll get you fully hard.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's not Jay. Jay's never worn khakis in his life.

[Big J Okerson]

I. I have, but this is not this thing.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think this is Steve. I think Steve. I'm looking at his face. He looks like he's lying.

[Dave Smith]

Look at this guy.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm going with my instincts. I'm going, Steve. The fucking khaki burn.

[Big J Okerson]

This could. This could be a Joe derosa hang. All right. Everyone's answers are locked in. Alex. Shit.

[Alex]

That story belongs to Dusty Slay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. Come on, let us go.

[Dusty Slay]

That's what we needed.

[Big J Okerson]

Thanks.

[Dave Smith]

I guess it was too obvious. But you really nailed it, though. I had short hair. No. Beard.

[Big J Okerson]

No.

[Dave Smith]

Yeah, I mean, I did that many times. And not just the one time. But, you know, you're. You're like, drinking, and you. You know, you go to the bathroom, you pee, and you don't shake well, and khaki, it spreads pretty fast, and. And you're having a good time. You're talking to some women out at the bar, and then you're like, oh, no, I have pee all over my pants. And so you have to hang under the hand dryer for a while and clear yourself up. It's like, you know, puking and then going back to the hoo. Ha.

[Big J Okerson]

No doubt similar. My question is, if one of these girls comes home with you, though, at night, you have to do something about your pissy wiener.

[Dave Smith]

Oh, yeah, but that dries, too, over time. I mean, pee dries if I've learned anything. Pea dries.

[Big J Okerson]

And you've traveled the world, and if you've learned anything and you're.

[Dave Smith]

Drinking margaritas, you're like, that's why it's so salty. I had spilled salt everywhere.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Damage. Alex, where our points at?

[Alex]

All right on the scoreboard. In last place with three points, Dave Smith.

[Big J Okerson]

Wow. Idiot. What an idiot.

[Dusty Slay]

I got the last round right.

[Big J Okerson]

You feel like a dummy right now? Probably.

[Dusty Slay]

I do. I do, kind of.

[Alex]

With four points, Lewis J. Gomez.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, anybody's game, folks.

[Alex]

Tied for second place with five points each, Big J. Okerson and Dusty Slay.

[Dave Smith]

Okay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's the best Jay has done in months.

[Big J Okerson]

Hell, yeah.

[Dave Smith]

I feel like she said gusty slay, which I like.

[Alex]

And in the lead with seven points, Steve Byrne.

[Dave Smith]

All right.

[Dusty Slay]

We all knew coming in that they're very good team test takers.

[Big J Okerson]

I got to tell you, if you.

[Dave Smith]

Don'T let him win, he'll fight you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's a very tight game, right?

[Big J Okerson]

Very tight game. This has been a good one. It is halftime of the game. That was our fourth story. We do go around now and do plugs, Mr. Burn, anything you want to plug.

[Steve Byrne]

Dusty's got a book coming out.

[Dave Smith]

Well, that is true, but no real date for it, but yeah, Steve, you've.

[Big J Okerson]

Got multiple specials, you've made films. Yeah.

[Steve Byrne]

Nobody gives, you know, nobody cares. It's fine. Happy to be here.

[Big J Okerson]

Seems bitter.

[Dusty Slay]

No, I think it's like Steve does.

[Dave Smith]

A show here in the lab called Steve versus Nashville. Steve Vernon. Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So.

[Dusty Slay]

Let me tell you something. Got full curtain pole here. Steve is doing a brilliant, like, marketing tactic, which is that now it puts the audience, like, on the back foot, and they're like, well, I want to find out what this motherfucker's doing, you know? Like he's not just like in the list of plugs. You're like, this guy doesn't even want to plug his own shit.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's so cool.

[Dusty Slay]

It must be amazing.

[Big J Okerson]

Too western to understand his mysticism.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Dusty, what are you plugging?

[Dave Smith]

Well, I have a Show tomorrow night, 6pm at the Zany's right next door. Yeah, I have more drunk stories, maybe some pee stories. I've had a lot of pee incidents over. Over the years. I pee a lot. Big pee. I gotta pee right now, to be honest with you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Dave Smith.

[Dusty Slay]

Check my website. Comicdavesmith.com has my dates for the rest of the year. I think the next thing I got is the other. It's great being here at Zany's. And I'm going in a couple weeks.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This won't be out for like a month.

[Dusty Slay]

Well then, thanks for coming out.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That was fun, wasn't it?

[Dusty Slay]

Catch you guys back. I don't know that I got a bunch of stuff coming up. Comictabesmith.com partoftheproblem.com that's all.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hell yeah. Thanks, Big J.

[Big J Okerson]

Thanks, Bigjay. Comedy.com for all my dates or punch up for all my dates. Coming to a city near you. Big J Okerson's Peter North American tour coming on a city near you. If you get it, you get it.

[Dave Smith]

Right in the hoo ha, baby.

[Big J Okerson]

The hoo ha is right. I keep it all filthy. And of course, listen to the bonfire five days a week. Faction Talk, SiriusXM103 with me and the great Robert Kelly. And of course the flagship show right here on the guest digital network, the legendary Legion of Skanks. And. And this is out already. So that means both parts of my double crowd work special. Them. They is available right now on YouTube. Check it out again. Watch it again for the first time. Thank you guys for all the support.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Come see me on the road. The. The Bring 5 Friends tour. Guys, come into a city near you, please bring five friends at least. And I'm going to Europe at the end of the month with Scott Chaplin. Going to be a blast. Amsterdam, Glasgow, Dublin, Manchester and London. And then I'm filming my next special in July in Tampa, Florida.

[Big J Okerson]

So get tickets for that London part, the England part. You should make like the conversion, like bring five friends, but they bring seven because it's their fucking people.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Okay, thanks, Jay.

[Dusty Slay]

I was right there with you, brother.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Make sure you get tickets at Lewis and check out all the other pods that we do. The regs, Leisureless Kinks and sign up for my mailing list on my website. If you guys love this show, though, the most important thing you can do is subscribe to Gas Digital. You get the pre release on all episodes uncensored ad free versions of the show, plus an on demand library. There's a bunch of episodes of story wars that are not available anywhere else. Just for Gas Digital subscribers, plus thousands of hours of other uncensored podcasts. Gas Digital.com use the promo code wars with a zone to save a little bit of money and support the show directly. And yeah, that's that.

[Big J Okerson]

Gas Digital, the last place you can hear Steve Burns say the N word uncensored.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So, yeah, here I go. Second half.

[Big J Okerson]

Second half of the show. Now, listen, I understand that a lot of you here are worried that you're not going to be able to take home this book. We're all pretty excited about this book. We should all be Feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. Chimamanda Ngozi highlights the everyday sexism women face and argues for a more inclusive, culturally relevant feminism that benefits everyone, regardless of your gender.

[Dave Smith]

Okay, it's about time.

[Steve Byrne]

It's about time.

[Dusty Slay]

Bitch, you used to live in Nigeria.

[Big J Okerson]

True, true.

[Dusty Slay]

Count your blessing.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No.

[Dusty Slay]

So I'll take the book.

[Big J Okerson]

But what are you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Are you. Are you the girl that. Steve. Jesus. Dave, Dave, Dave.

[Big J Okerson]

I understand why Steve.

[Dusty Slay]

Fight these guys. Steve, you're gonna let these feminists talk.

[Louis J. Gomez]

To us like that?

[Steve Byrne]

Play some hall of notes. Here we go.

[Big J Okerson]

Dave, you're probably feeling a little low right now. Like you're not going to be able to take home this book.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, he's only four points behind Jay.

[Dusty Slay]

I mean, I feel like I could still buy it on Amazon, but, yeah, I'm not. I'm not thrilled with the first half. If that's your point, buddy, you could.

[Big J Okerson]

Pull away big in just one round. Because for the final four stories over here at Story wars, we go double points. Ooh. Oh, thank you, Roots.

[Dusty Slay]

Now, I understand there was a controversy about double points where Lewis announced there were no more double points, and then there was a mutiny amongst the audience.

[Louis J. Gomez]

First of all, I never said there was no more double points.

[Dusty Slay]

I know a lot of the things that happen on this show. Now, it wasn't like this last time I was here.

[Louis J. Gomez]

There wasn't mutiny. People were upset. We've now given if you win story wars, you can trigger double points. But we're saying use it sparingly. Don't overdo it, or we're gonna maybe take them back. Take the Privilege back from you.

[Big J Okerson]

We could because some people were getting out of hand. Yeah, but just walk lightly and we'll keep it around in any way.

[Steve Byrne]

Sorry, just one more reminder. This round is what?

[Big J Okerson]

Well, if before you fooled somebody on a story, you would get one point.

[Steve Byrne]

Got it.

[Big J Okerson]

And if you guess somebody's correct story, you got two points. But now that goes double points.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, fuck.

[Big J Okerson]

What?

[Steve Byrne]

Now I get it. Now I get it. Sorry, I just took it. I got it. Sorry.

[Big J Okerson]

No, it's good, it's good. We like to make sure everyone understands what's going on.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Truly anybody's game. We still have four more stories and anybody story could come up next.

[Steve Byrne]

By the way, when I fought the guy in the elevator, it wasn't Sarah Smiles. That was the actual song on a loop.

[Big J Okerson]

Alex.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Story number five.

[Alex]

Story number five. I got drunk at a high school party and drove my car across the host's lawn.

[Dave Smith]

Oh, another high school party.

[Steve Byrne]

This was the lamest party I've ever heard in my life. Is that fair to say? This party sucks.

[Dusty Slay]

I hope whoever's story this was was in high school at the time, because that's not clear.

[Dave Smith]

Yeah, it doesn't say.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, I didn't really. I drank maybe three times before. 21 years old.

[Big J Okerson]

I want to give you my train of thought. You said that earlier in the. You keep hammering that one home.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, I'm just saying that. Sure.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, none of us. Me either.

[Steve Byrne]

But maybe you guys should travel separately. I think you've spent a little too much time together.

[Dusty Slay]

I don't like how Lewis also like. But like, the theme is drinking. And then he's like going, I never drank. I never drank.

[Big J Okerson]

Sorry.

[Dusty Slay]

I started drinking as a man. I drank across my own lawn.

[Big J Okerson]

I only drank three times. So all three of my stories are.

[Steve Byrne]

By the way, I'm Korean and I would drive my car across anybody's lawn anytime, so.

[Big J Okerson]

Goddamn right. And by the way, when they go.

[Steve Byrne]

Hey, I go, sayonara, suckers. And I drive my Hyundai, dude.

[Big J Okerson]

Fucking drift, dude. Just drift across lawns. What are you doing?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Drifting Gong.

[Big J Okerson]

Here's the secret is all in the break, dude.

[Dusty Slay]

That's my favorite line of this entire festival, Steve. That's just normal Asian driving right there. There's no need to get drunk at.

[Louis J. Gomez]

A high school party for here's how.

[Big J Okerson]

I have to break it down.

[Steve Byrne]

Well, I guess my mom's here.

[Big J Okerson]

I gotta break high school. I didn't go to many high school parties, but the ones that no one the lawns weren't like that in Philadelphia. Dave, Same thing.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Brooklyn doesn't currently drive. He's never had a license.

[Dusty Slay]

No, but if I did, this is probably how it go.

[Big J Okerson]

This is how it go. Lewis did grow up in a neighborhood where there was lawns, people had cars.

[Dusty Slay]

It's just not a Louis story I would have heard. I know that's kind of cheating, but I would have heard this story from Louis. It's not Louis.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, I mean, it's not really. It's kind of uneventful. Drove across their lawn.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All my stories are extremely eventful. This Steve, where'd you grow up?

[Steve Byrne]

I grew up in Pittsburgh.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Pittsburgh. There's a lot of lawns in Pittsburgh.

[Dave Smith]

A lot of lawns in Pittsburgh.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's very.

[Steve Byrne]

Lawns hilly in Pittsburgh.

[Big J Okerson]

It is hilly.

[Steve Byrne]

The Monaga. It's. It's very hilly. So it.

[Big J Okerson]

That.

[Steve Byrne]

Not a lot of front lawn.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Front lawns.

[Steve Byrne]

You could do that.

[Dave Smith]

That I.

[Dusty Slay]

All right. And that settles it for me, Steve.

[Dave Smith]

It doesn't settle front or back. It just says lawn.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Steve is like, seems like there's mountains. You know, I can't really, really.

[Dusty Slay]

If you want to get into a.

[Big J Okerson]

Conversation about my car, wouldn't no lawns be good?

[Louis J. Gomez]

You go.

[Dusty Slay]

If you think about it, we're all driving on tectonic plates that are constantly.

[Big J Okerson]

Shifting underneath us, spinning on our axis. Technically, nothing.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Still, Steve really showed his ass there. Okay, Alex, all of our answers are in.

[Big J Okerson]

This might be dusty crushing our asses right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Now.

[Alex]

That story belongs to Lewis J.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, Louis. Damn. This is.

[Big J Okerson]

Wow situations.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You look at the generation. Yeah. Hooah.

[Dusty Slay]

I really want to just be like.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't even care that I'm in.

[Dusty Slay]

Last, but I care so much.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm so upset.

[Big J Okerson]

My f is the nature of the game. By story three, you're like, I want to win this thing.

[Dusty Slay]

I got an hour ago, Kid Rock told me he really enjoyed my comedy. And I wish I never came to Nashville after this.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, I was. It wasn't a cool kid party. I was in musical theater at the time, and it was a musical theater kid party. And I got driving across the lawn. This is what we do at the end of a house party. And yeah, it was one of, like, the three or four times that I got hammered in my youth, and I got hammered, and then I got in my big old shitty Chevy Caprice. I was like, watch this, guys. Drove across the lawn, and my buddy James Mechan was like, like, what the is wrong? Like, nobody laughed. Nobody thought it was.

[Big J Okerson]

Call the cops. I don't care. Call the cops. I Don't care.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And I drove across this chick's lawn. It was her. Her family's house. And everyone was like, you're a idiot, dude.

[Big J Okerson]

No one thinks this is cool. No one said do this or thinks it's cool.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It was bad, but, yeah, I did just score a ton of points, dude. Alex, where are points at?

[Alex]

All right on the scoreboard. In last place with three points, Dave Smith.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He also. He also only makes three political points, folks.

[Dusty Slay]

Now I got. I got to lose this game. I'm going to let you sit in that one for a minute.

[Alex]

Tied with five points each, Big J Okerson and Dusty Slay.

[Dave Smith]

All right, five's not bad.

[Alex]

In second place, with seven points, Steve Byrne.

[Dave Smith]

All right.

[Alex]

And in the lead with 12 points, Lewis J. Gomez.

[Dave Smith]

Double points, baby.

[Dusty Slay]

Big on double points to clean up.

[Big J Okerson]

It's a crazy shift brought to you almost exclusively by double points. So we'll be right back after this break.

[Dusty Slay]

So is that why you wanted to get rid of double points because you just felt like you were doing that way too much?

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, it was. Aaron Berg and Felipe Esparza went a little crazy with it.

[Big J Okerson]

They got out of hand where the audience was starting to do, like the. I was like, oh, don't stop.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, yeah, it was really Felipe, but.

[Big J Okerson]

Nobody wants to just blame an ethnic.

[Dusty Slay]

Yeah, yeah, but you got to know how to play.

[Steve Byrne]

It was Aaron in his fur jacket.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was.

[Steve Byrne]

My God.

[Big J Okerson]

And was it Summer?

[Steve Byrne]

Yep.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yo, it's Louis J. Gomez and Big J Okerson coming at you from Story wars with the Z Man. We're hyped to talk about Brunt workwear, the boots that got our feet feeling like they're on vacation. While we're dodging verbal grenades up here, Jay, what's to do with your Brunt kicks?

[Big J Okerson]

Yo, Lewis, I'm rocking the Marin 6 inch soft toe. Check these bad boys out. Oh, straight out the box. These things are comfier than my couch. Most boots I've worn, weeks of break in torture. Like walking on bricks. Brunt, it's like they hugged my feet day one.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hell yeah. I've got the toes. Waterproof, safety toe. Look at this beast. I'm sobbing around like I'm ready to build a skyscraper, but they feel like my favorite sneakers. Other brands, forget it. Blisters for days. Brunt's built for real work, no breaking bs. And they've got pants, jackets, the whole deal. Tough as hell, but comfy. Jay, you think these boots can survive your stand up rants?

[Big J Okerson]

Survive? They can survive your Puerto Rican temper tantrums. Lou laughs.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Guilty. Look, Brunt's founder, Eric Girard, grew up blue collar and named these boots after his tradie buddies. They're legit, waterproof, safety, toe, whatever you need.

[Big J Okerson]

Brunt didn't just make a durable work boot. They reinvented comfort for the hardest workers out there. For a limited time, Story wars listeners get $10 off at Brunt by using code WARZ with a Z at checkout W, a R Z. Just head to bruntworkware.com and use that code warzwithaz, and you're all set. After the purchase, they're going to ask you where you heard about them. Please support the show and let them know Story War sent you. All right, let's get back into it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex. Story number six.

[Alex]

Story number six. A drunk Irish guy started an argument with me while I was in my car. I got out to fight him, but.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ultimately, every story of Steve kicking somebody's ass.

[Alex]

I got out to fight him, but ultimately ended up hugging a small gay man who I think was going home with the Irish guy.

[Big J Okerson]

That's the story.

[Steve Byrne]

This is just. This is. It's a. There's a lot to process here. I got it. To fight.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't.

[Dave Smith]

I'm not a hugger.

[Dusty Slay]

Okay. I'm good.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Thank you.

[Dave Smith]

I'm not a hugger or a fighter.

[Big J Okerson]

I mean, it's a lot.

[Dusty Slay]

It does. It's got. From what I understand, by the way, if you had asked me before the show today, I thought Steve was, like, one of the just sweetest people I've ever met. Probably never been in a fist fight.

[Big J Okerson]

He's a loose cannon with a short fuse. He will go through you and anyone he has to to keep his family safe.

[Dusty Slay]

He has a long history of wild, aggressive behavior that always ends up in friendship. So that does seem to be his.

[Dave Smith]

And Irish, right? I'm so Irish. Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

The gay guy recognized you from Chelsea Handler. And then that was all.

[Steve Byrne]

And I was like, I'm not joking.

[Dusty Slay]

I think we can all agree that the Irish are the blacks of Europe. Oh, I'm sorry. There was consensus on this a few decades ago.

[Big J Okerson]

This is.

[Steve Byrne]

This is a lot. This is a lot. So I'm gonna go down the line here. I. Oh, boy.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, I'll save you time. I think it's you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, this is. This. The. The person who wrote the story wasn't drunk. The guy in the other car was drunk. The Irish guy.

[Steve Byrne]

A drunk Irish guy started.

[Dusty Slay]

It's a. It's a story about drinking Though it's.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, of course. I'm not saying. I'm saying it's above board. But maybe it's not.

[Steve Byrne]

Steve.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Steve is more like a problem when he gets drunk.

[Dave Smith]

Tequila, specifically.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, look, I. Oh, yeah, I see what you're saying. I mean, the person in the car.

[Steve Byrne]

Sober, ended up hugging a game.

[Big J Okerson]

Well, assumingly, I guess.

[Steve Byrne]

So he ended up hanging. He hugged the bottom or the top?

[Big J Okerson]

Yo, Steve. Dude, you know, it's too.

[Steve Byrne]

There's a lot. There's a lot.

[Big J Okerson]

So. So the guy. So then the Irish guy must be.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I. I can almost see this being Big J as well.

[Dusty Slay]

This could be Big J.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This could be a Big J. Sir. Big J will get out of cars.

[Dusty Slay]

To fight people, quick to get out of a car and could end up in a hug.

[Big J Okerson]

I just told a story about getting out of the car recently. Yeah, my last time ever.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, but Jay will get out of the car. Jay's. Jay's a road rage.

[Big J Okerson]

I have a story. Out of the car.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay's a road rage. Get out of the car and fight somebody, guy.

[Dusty Slay]

I'll tell you something. Could be Lewis.

[Big J Okerson]

Road rage. Let me defend myself.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm not hugging a gay person.

[Big J Okerson]

It's just not without him.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't hug him. I don't kiss him. What is the sex with him?

[Big J Okerson]

What are we, teenagers?

[Louis J. Gomez]

We have hooker rules?

[Big J Okerson]

No kissing. I will jump out of a car for sure, which is dumb. I can't argue that. I just told a story of it recently. But I almost. For that reason.

[Steve Byrne]

You're a hugger.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm also a hugger.

[Steve Byrne]

I think she'd be quick to pivot.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Maybe that's what that girl said. Maybe she said hugger and you misheard her.

[Big J Okerson]

You filthy hugger with your extra ankle for hugging. Better with your extra ankle bone.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Get out of my neighborhood, hugger.

[Dusty Slay]

Steve was like, please and least say hug up.

[Big J Okerson]

Saw a couple of huggers down at the shopping market. Well, I guess. I guess the Sullivan's finally sold.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, it could be anybody. This is a tough story.

[Big J Okerson]

My instinct was Steve.

[Dusty Slay]

Now, is this good strategy? It's been a while since I played the game, but I almost feel like at this point, like, if you're all picking someone, I got to pick someone else.

[Big J Okerson]

You can, because I got to kind.

[Dusty Slay]

Of try to, like, get ahead, you know? Like, I gotta pull ahead.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Dave, you're in dead last. This woman has.

[Dusty Slay]

Yeah, I gotta go for it. I don't like how you're offering advice like you're a insider here. You don't know this game.

[Big J Okerson]

She does the same thing when she watches Jeopardy. Why would you wager 701?

[Steve Byrne]

I think you're just throwing off. You're throwing off a bit more scent.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm good. Then I think.

[Steve Byrne]

Then I think normal on this one.

[Big J Okerson]

Come on, dude.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think you're.

[Steve Byrne]

Because I. Because I.

[Dusty Slay]

Every time Steve talks, I'm convinced it's him.

[Steve Byrne]

Steve, I'm trying to play poker and. And pay attention to. I'm learning my lessons up top. And I'm trying to find.

[Dusty Slay]

I've never seen you stumble this much to finish a sentence in my life. Me, for 20 years.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Jay always tries to trick me.

[Dusty Slay]

He's like, bad move, dude.

[Big J Okerson]

You are whiffing hard.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think this one's big.

[Big J Okerson]

Put it in and take your fingers off of you, you dumb.

[Dusty Slay]

Wait, hold on.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think this is Big J.

[Dusty Slay]

You can't take it back once it's in.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, you can't take it back once it's in it. I think it's a Big J.

[Dusty Slay]

He does? Yeah. Yeah, he convinced me it's you, Big.

[Louis J. Gomez]

J and the little gay. I don't mind that.

[Dusty Slay]

It's really good, Alex.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All of our answers are in.

[Alex]

That story belongs to Big J over.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Big J gets cars. I'm destroying it right now. Oh, Jay. Jay's cleaned up. With some points, though. What happened here, Jay? You got out of your car because.

[Big J Okerson]

You'Re a lunatic, Sort of.

[Dusty Slay]

You hugged a gay dude.

[Big J Okerson]

It was all so fast.

[Dusty Slay]

That's the best. That's the best, like, explanation for a gay thing.

[Big J Okerson]

I don't have any explanation of this story other than to tell you these are the situation that happened, and it ended quick. But a guy, a drunk guy. I have a black, like, suv. So a drunken, like, Irish guy in a suit, like, older.

[Steve Byrne]

Hey, Fucking con.

[Big J Okerson]

But no, he was like, she just started getting on my car.

[Steve Byrne]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

And I'm like. He's like, well, open the door. I'm like, no, dude, I'm not. I'm not your Uber. And he's like. And he's like. And he's kind of doing, like, shut the fuck up, open the door kind of thing. And I was like, buddy, get away from my car. And he was like, ah, fuck. And then so I. I drove off, and as I drove, he kicked my car. So then I got out of the car, and out of nowhere, I got out of the car to go walk around it and fucking, like, hit this guy.

[Steve Byrne]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

But as soon as I get out of the car, comes around, coming around the corner of my car is a little. I mean, like, Jeffrey Dahmer, victim, gay person. I mean, like, dressed like Captain eo, super flamboyant gay, tiny.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Is there a chance it was the Irish guy's leprechaun?

[Big J Okerson]

Wouldn't that be amazing? It was she. He was so flamboyantly. It was what? And he just came over and, I mean, he goes, you ain't gonna get the. I started, like, barking at me in the face, like, right in my face. And I didn't know what to do, so I just hugged him and I went, it's cool, guy, it's cool. And then I just. And he was like, I thought so and blah, blah, and talking and walked away. He wasn't back in my car. He did not want to hug. I hugged him to subdue his flamboyance. And I go, it's cool, dude, it's cool. I don't even know. And I got back in my car and drove up. I'm like, what happened back there? It was crazy. I felt so, like, disarmed. But I was like, I can't. I mean, this was like, would have been. It was. Somebody came to hear on me. I was like. And I was like, come on, man, chill out. It was so bizarre.

[Dusty Slay]

But can I. Insane retard reaction that you had to just hug your problem away.

[Big J Okerson]

I started the story by saying, I don't have an explanation for it other than it just it happened the way it happened.

[Dusty Slay]

He just started aggressively petting this little gay dude.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, yeah. I was angry and then I was like, calm down, you little fucking firecracker. And then when he did calm down, I was just like, I'm leaving. It was over. Damn, it was weird.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow. Great story, though.

[Big J Okerson]

Alex points.

[Alex]

On the scoreboard. In last place. All right, three points, Dave Smith.

[Dave Smith]

All right.

[Dusty Slay]

I stayed out late for this.

[Alex]

With seven points, Steve Byrne.

[Dave Smith]

All right.

[Steve Byrne]

Oh, that was. That was a nice story about you and Kevin Hart reconnecting.

[Big J Okerson]

Our first hug in years.

[Alex]

In second place, tied with nine points each, big J Okerson and Dusty Slay.

[Dave Smith]

Baby.

[Alex]

And in the lead with 16 points, Lewis J. Gomez.

[Big J Okerson]

I know Lewis would keep this book in house, but I am telling you, I want to win it so bad. Do you understand? The book calls for raising boys and girls differently, encouraging equality and challenging traditional gender roles. It's clear, accessible, and most importantly, thought provoking.

[Dusty Slay]

It's an awfully small book.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, it's a one shit read. But.

[Dusty Slay]

Like, I mean, it's a small number of pages and teeny tiny pages, Dave.

[Big J Okerson]

But the words are mighty.

[Steve Byrne]

I'm so intrigued. I can't wait to go to Barnes and Noble and ask them if they have this book. And they say, can you spell the author's name? I'm gonna go, is there a fucking Indian in here that can help me out with this?

[Big J Okerson]

Chimamanda ngazi adichie. Let's hear an accent and we go, go. How do you spell that? You go like it sounds. Don't waste my time. Like it sounds. Type it in, please.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right, let's take a quick moment to thank Cornbread for supporting today's show. We love cornbread. They make incredible THC and CBD gummies that are organic. They're the best in the business. Truly the highest quality organic THC and CBD gummies that you will get. And I'll tell you right now, we love them. They're America's only USDA organic THC gummy.

[Big J Okerson]

J sick. 100% legal hemp fast and free shipping. It's a one to one ratio of THC to CBD and it's the only USDA organic THC gummy in the land.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow, they're really working good. And you just repeated my line. Yeah, you're high, dude.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, my God, dude, I'm so whacked out on cornbread. Yeah, it didn't work the first time because I was just eating cornbread.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, look, alcohol does not have to be your default anymore. Whether you're going dry to be healthier or you're just looking for a healthier way to relax and have a guilt free good time, you got to try Cornbread's THC gummies. And right now, Story wars listeners can save 30% on your first order today. Go to kornbreadhemp.com warz with a Z and use code wars with a z to save 30% off your order today. That's 30% [e-mail] warswithazzi. Alex. Story number seven.

[Alex]

Story number seven. My first ticket was for underage consumption of alcohol. I had to cut school to go to court.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Let me just say something. I only drank maybe three times before I was.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm telling you, it's Louis.

[Dusty Slay]

It's honors.

[Big J Okerson]

I love Lewis.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Son of a.

[Dusty Slay]

It's worked every time to throw me off the scent.

[Big J Okerson]

Steve, ticket for underage consumption.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Steve, tell us he does start putting lipstick on.

[Big J Okerson]

Sorry, I'm putting on boys. That couldn't be me. I'm a vivacious lady. I don't get tickets for drinking I'm.

[Louis J. Gomez]

A lonely boy looking for a hug.

[Dusty Slay]

I was so confused. It was Steve.

[Big J Okerson]

I wish Steve would to Wong Fu his way out of every ticket he gets. Come on, officer, you don't mean it. Pittsburgh doesn't feel like that does. Actually, you know what? Actually, it does feel like a town where you get a ticket for underage drinking. They don't bring in for that.

[Steve Byrne]

Well, I wasn't a boozer in high school.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He was a loser.

[Steve Byrne]

I really was. I totally was. I didn't get my confidence till latter half of college. So this is definitely.

[Dusty Slay]

Every time Steve talks, I think it's him. But then last time I was convinced it was him and it was this.

[Big J Okerson]

Guy I had to cut.

[Dave Smith]

Yeah, you don't get tickets in Alabama. Underage is not even a thing.

[Dusty Slay]

So that's a good. That is a good point.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, you might get a ticket for being a. If you're sober.

[Dave Smith]

Exactly.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But I mean, I mean, look, I feel like.

[Big J Okerson]

Here he goes. Here he goes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

What? What?

[Big J Okerson]

Lawrence Olivier over here about to lay it out. Go ahead, do your Oscar moment, you piece of.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, maybe this could be a Dave Smith story. This is a new New York City does give out a lot of tickets.

[Big J Okerson]

It is a New York City story.

[Dusty Slay]

It's okay, that's true. But I'm convinced now. It's Lewis.

[Dave Smith]

I think Lewis got in trouble every time.

[Big J Okerson]

It's Dave. Oh, look, he panicked and started writing your name quick.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's Dave. Dave's hands are shaking.

[Big J Okerson]

I've never been more right than it is Dave.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Dave is just giving his heart out. That's right, Dave.

[Dusty Slay]

No, I was just saying like, thanks for buying a Tesla.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, it's good to be here today. His heart goes out.

[Dusty Slay]

Seriously. Probably stop, you know, defaming them, Dave.

[Big J Okerson]

And in case you guessed it, the artist formerly known as Dave.

[Dusty Slay]

All right, I'm actually.

[Big J Okerson]

Dave's putting it in so fast.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Dude, it's so Dave.

[Big J Okerson]

If it's Lewis, I'm gonna punch you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

In the fucking face.

[Big J Okerson]

Dude, I'm so sorry, but I have to.

[Steve Byrne]

I'm going. Dave, you were a little too quick after that.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Dave was a little quick after. But I can see it being Dusty as well. David, Dusty had a great excuse. In Alabama they don't give out tickets. But that's not true. That's just not true.

[Steve Byrne]

But I think the, the chances of getting poached are probably a lot stronger.

[Louis J. Gomez]

East coast in Brooklyn, Dave would like, sit in high school. He would like, drink on soups with his friends.

[Dusty Slay]

That is true.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Sorry, Jay's got to get more drunk.

[Big J Okerson]

I didn't. Look. You want me to hang with you?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Big J Okerson]

Dusty isn't the ask for this. They just brought it, right?

[Dave Smith]

Yeah, you'd be in the woods. Yeah, you're in the wood. You're in a. Yeah, you're in the woods. You're, you know, in the back of a truck. There's no tickets for that.

[Big J Okerson]

Why is.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Louis, what happened to your youth?

[Big J Okerson]

I think it's Dave still. Because Lewis hasn't voted yet. And Dave is still confident in his Louisville because he's a liar.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think that this is Dave the Jew Smith.

[Big J Okerson]

If this isn't Dave, I'll wear a Jewish star armband like I'm in the Holocaust for the rest of the year.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'll get numbers tattooed on my arm if this is a day.

[Big J Okerson]

Yes, Alex, this story. Who is being Holocaust tattooed?

[Alex]

This story belongs to Dave Smith.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yes.

[Big J Okerson]

That'S a Brooklyn story.

[Dusty Slay]

I'm having a rough night, guys.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, it.

[Dusty Slay]

It is true. It is the first. It was a summon, not a ticket. And the fucked up thing is they would give you. So you just get caught drinking, and then they give you a summons on a fucking school day. They're like, the crime is that you're a high school kid drinking. And they go, show up at 9am on Wednesday, three day off. I was like, well, I'm not gonna tell my mom about this. So you was like, I guess I just have to go. So I had to cut school to go to wait in line with like, just a, you know, a bunch of thugs.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Whoa. Who are all. Easy, Dave.

[Dusty Slay]

All right.

[Louis J. Gomez]

A bunch of thugs, Dave.

[Dusty Slay]

And they're. No, they were thugs of all colors.

[Steve Byrne]

But the good news is, you know, plenty of attorneys.

[Big J Okerson]

As a Jew, there's one related to you.

[Dusty Slay]

I know, none somehow still. And they. So I. Yeah, I had to cut school. And I went there. And then they just. The judge just asked, like, the most basic questions. Like, there. He was like. There was one thing where they asked you. The judge actually asked me to read. Like, there was a. Like a paper they gave. And he goes, can you just read the first? And I just started reading it. Like, why am I doing. And then I realized, oh, he was just seeing if I could read. And then he goes. I was like, 17, so he goes. He goes, are you going to college next year?

[Big J Okerson]

And I went, you're like, sir, my high top fade might be confusing you, but I am quite Jewish.

[Dusty Slay]

Yeah, well, that's basically. That's basically. And then I went like, I was like. I was like, I'm supposed to like, I'm applying to schools like in the fall or whatever. And he went, case dismissed. That was it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

They literally just made me come in now.

[Dusty Slay]

No, she. I did get in trouble for cutting school. They called home and then I was just like, oh, I was just drinking the streets.

[Big J Okerson]

No, no, stop. You think I was getting a girl break?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Dusty Slay]

Like I made up some other excuse for. For cutting school.

[Big J Okerson]

Did they fool anybody with that?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I think so. Yeah.

[Alex]

No, he did not.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Nobody. Everyone voted. Dave. All right.

[Dusty Slay]

I couldn't. Listen, guys.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I had a.

[Dusty Slay]

They told me I was on this last minute.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't know.

[Dusty Slay]

I came. I should have thought a better stories.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex points.

[Alex]

In last place.

[Dusty Slay]

All right.

[Alex]

With three points, Dave Smith.

[Dave Smith]

All right. Yeah.

[Dusty Slay]

I always thought this show sucked.

[Alex]

Next up with 11 points, Steve Burns.

[Big J Okerson]

Hair Hitler. That was a tweet Christine stopped me from sending out years ago. That was the little the boys from BTS today. Thank you video for the Grammys once. And when they were saying goodbye in the video, one of them just unfortunately did this and I did that and tagged it Hair Hitler. And I go, this is gonna be great. And. And Christine goes, yeah, that's funny. And she goes, wait, who are you sending it to? I went, the world. And she goes, don't, don't. And that was probably one of many times Christine saved my ass from being killed.

[Dusty Slay]

But that was a good back during cancel culture. That was good. But these days, it. You could send that out.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, that could go good. Down.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You get booked on Netflix.

[Alex]

Alex tied with 13 points each. Big J. Okerson and Dusty Slay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[Big J Okerson]

Coming on strong.

[Dave Smith]

Yeah.

[Alex]

And in the lead with 20 points.

[Big J Okerson]

It's not over. It's not over anybody's game.

[Alex]

Still CH Gomez.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I assure you, it's not Dave's game.

[Dusty Slay]

What do we got, like five, six more stories?

[Big J Okerson]

Nope. But, Dave, can I tell you something?

[Dusty Slay]

How many more we got?

[Big J Okerson]

It doesn't matter because you as being in very last place still have the chance to play giant killer.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I don't.

[Dusty Slay]

What's that?

[Big J Okerson]

Nobody knows you know sports.

[Dusty Slay]

I do.

[Big J Okerson]

I. Yeah.

[Dusty Slay]

I'm J.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Runs a shoehorn. Giant killer.

[Big J Okerson]

No one's ever heard the term giant killer. When you come in at towards the end of the season and you have a team that's like. Like still competing in it. Oh, he doesn't give a there season up their season.

[Dusty Slay]

Yeah, but you weren't even playing any of your starters.

[Big J Okerson]

My point is, you could still ruin one of our nights.

[Dusty Slay]

How Much. How many more stories are there?

[Louis J. Gomez]

One more story.

[Big J Okerson]

One more. You're done.

[Dusty Slay]

I mean, hold on, give me a second for the math.

[Big J Okerson]

You still have to play. Yeah, I think.

[Dusty Slay]

I think we're gonna look to get a draft pick.

[Big J Okerson]

But I'm trying to just give you encouragement to let you know that you can still ruin it for somebody else. You're not. Not important. You just can't win.

[Dusty Slay]

Okay, it was Lewis.

[Big J Okerson]

That's a good guess, Alex.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Story number eight. Our final story, everyone.

[Alex]

Story number eight. My bar bill once forced my girl to get a text alerts from our bank.

[Big J Okerson]

It just sounds like words.

[Dusty Slay]

Oh, your bar bill.

[Big J Okerson]

So.

[Dusty Slay]

Oh, so it. You overdrafted your account with the bar bill. Is that.

[Dave Smith]

That's Big J.

[Big J Okerson]

I will tell you that. For a while I had my bank account garnished. When I had the first 200 they were deposited. So I was afraid of the bank for a long time after that. And most of my would be a Jew.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Afraid of the banks. Impossible.

[Big J Okerson]

Terrified. They didn't my last. What are you afraid of?

[Louis J. Gomez]

The weather?

[Big J Okerson]

Yes. Sorry, Dusty, this is not me. But. But does it. There's a situation where this could have been the thing.

[Dave Smith]

This is Big J or Lewis here.

[Dusty Slay]

It's a confusing sentence. My bar bill once forced my girl to get text alerts from our bank.

[Big J Okerson]

This exactly has.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So he spent so much money at the bar that his girl found out and she got a text alert.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, Lewis is explaining it to us because it's his story that's worded.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Listen to me for my. Do you think I. Bank account. You got a joint bank account with any girl? No, I went from my son's mother. I just used her bank account and I didn't. She didn't give me her debit card.

[Dusty Slay]

Sounds like she might get in a.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Lot of me being completely the breadwinner and supporting all these dumb whores afterwards.

[Big J Okerson]

Our bank.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I get you, but this is Steve or Dusty.

[Steve Byrne]

No, I. I can write a fluent sentence. This is horrible. I'm. I'm like literally reading the sentence.

[Big J Okerson]

If Steve wrote this first, if it ends up being Steve that wrote this, his mother will come out and hit him.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Dusty, when did you stop drinking? I.

[Dave Smith]

Well, many reasons, but not because. Oh, when? 2012.

[Louis J. Gomez]

2012. And how long you been with your girl?

[Dave Smith]

2015.

[Big J Okerson]

Yeah, but he's not gonna say my girl. It's just Louis, this Smell this. This is Louis to me.

[Dave Smith]

I always kept enough drinking money. This was never an issue.

[Big J Okerson]

Nice.

[Louis J. Gomez]

This is. This has Steve written all over it. Steve Steve, he's married. He's got a chick.

[Dusty Slay]

I'm going. Louis. Just because of Jay's whole giant killer thing. I might as well try, right?

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're not gonna kill me by getting it wrong Dave.

[Big J Okerson]

No.

[Dusty Slay]

Yeah, but I'm not gonna change anything.

[Big J Okerson]

Stop him from getting the points of view.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So here's here. The here's what could happen. Okay? The only people here. All right, so if nobody votes for the person whose it is saying a lot of words right now, and it happens to be Dusty or Jay, then they can beat me.

[Big J Okerson]

Right? But in the second round, if Steve beats Dusty, then I think Dusty has one more chance to stay in the tournament. If he beats Dave.

[Louis J. Gomez]

If I married my cousin's brother's sister and then she.

[Big J Okerson]

What turf did my cousin pull into?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Buffalo.

[Big J Okerson]

Louis, you just tried to jumble my brains. I'm not listening to your bullshit again.

[Steve Byrne]

You're telling me a single bullet came from the sixth floor of the depository building?

[Big J Okerson]

It's left.

[Steve Byrne]

Went through his wrist in Governor Connally's leg.

[Big J Okerson]

It's ludicrous. Hold on.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, Louis.

[Big J Okerson]

Wrapped in an enigma. Wrapped in a puzzle.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Whoa, easy. Enigma.

[Big J Okerson]

You don't love chanting. Fuck music.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So hold on. Hold on. Here.

[Steve Byrne]

Ticket.

[Louis J. Gomez]

If it's. Could it be Jake? They give Jay three stories today.

[Big J Okerson]

Do you remember when they said that when I write bubble letters that the story is me?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I said that.

[Alex]

Boop, boop.

[Steve Byrne]

I, I, I gotta say, I've gone down the thing. Dusty's the quietest on this panel.

[Big J Okerson]

I'm gonna tell you right now it might be Dusty because he's eating with that guess.

[Louis J. Gomez]

All right. I like the fact that he shows Jay so Jay can't win if it Jay. I like that. Beautiful. I want to go with Dusty or Dusty or Steve.

[Steve Byrne]

I'm going Dusty.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm going Dusty.

[Dave Smith]

I had good stories. These aren't it, though.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Here it is. Final answer.

[Big J Okerson]

Everyone's answers are in Alex.

[Alex]

That story belongs to Steve Burn.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, no.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Nobody chose Steve. Wow. Nobody shows Steve.

[Big J Okerson]

Wow.

[Dusty Slay]

Steve did what? What are the numbers on?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Steve won. But I, I, I, I gotta say. Tell the story first. Steve.

[Steve Byrne]

I was in Cleveland. I It was the first time I ever had 1940. 41 tequila. Is that what it's called? 1941. 1942, whatever. 1941. If I was Japanese. I remember.

[Dave Smith]

First time.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Another tequila story.

[Dave Smith]

Another. First time.

[Steve Byrne]

Am I Iraq? All these. The bachelorette party came in after the show. Got them around. Another group of dudes came in, got them around. Then at the end the staff came in. I'm buying. Cause I'm like, this shit's fucking delicious. It's like water. This is dangerous. And I got round, round, round. And then at the end, I bought everybody that was at the show around. And nobody told me it was $40 a shot. So my bar bill was over $1,500. And I remember my wife. Wife woke up the next day, what the is this? And so she got. She got text alerts. Then after that, and then I. I learned the text Alerts are at 125. So I drink up until like 120. And I'd cash out and then I'd start drinking again. You, Jess, enjoy your Lexus Pre owned.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Alex, where are our final points? Spread out.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, my.

[Alex]

In dead last.

[Dusty Slay]

Yeah, we could skip over dead last. Alex, we all know who's in last, so, like, whatever. You still have to work with me on another show.

[Alex]

With three points, Dave Smith.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Thank you.

[Dusty Slay]

Thank you, Nashville. I do appreciate was fun.

[Dave Smith]

It's so low. It's almost like first place us.

[Big J Okerson]

Really true.

[Dusty Slay]

In a way.

[Dave Smith]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It is one of the lowest scores in Story wars history.

[Big J Okerson]

It's the most. It's the most unique score tonight, I think.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I believe it's tied for the lowest score ever, right?

[Alex]

With Calm Turtle.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Tied for the lowest score ever, guys.

[Big J Okerson]

That dumb Mick.

[Dave Smith]

And also dale Earnhardt. Number three.

[Alex]

Alex, tied for third place with 13 points each. Big J Okerson and Dusty Slay.

[Dave Smith]

Lucky 13.

[Big J Okerson]

That's a place we placed.

[Alex]

Replaced in second place with 19 points, Steve Byrne. Making your winner tonight with 20 points, Lewis J. Gomez.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Thank you. Double points.

[Big J Okerson]

Oh, my God. We should all be feminists. The book has not only been praised not just as a book, but as a cultural artifact. Overall, critics see it as vital, compelling, and impactful. Lewis. Ah, I did it this time. No, get it on you. I. You shouldn't be able to save it before it gets on you. Louis J. Gomez keeps the book in the Story wars library. Everybody make some fucking noise. How about a big round of applause for everybody who joined us tonight on this panel. How about it for Steve Byrne? Dusty Slay, our skank brother, Dave Smith. We got two more nights here, two more nights, two more shows here. Of Story Awards. Thank you guys for hanging out. We'll catch you next time. Until then, peace.